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landwriter · 1 year

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1589 got me feeling&rambling and I'm so sorry beforehand that I can't keep it short and simple, as would probably befit the thing. Feel free to ignore if not interesting to you, still you are the one that comes to mind when thinking about Hob being morally grey.

That scene is always so painful to watch, mostly because Hob is behaving like such a sorry fool. He has really decked himself out to impress his stranger and misses the mark so dramatically.

(Whereas Dream seemingly has not held back either - I mean it's easily his hottest look, you can't tell me he didn't mean to make a lasting impression. So much disappointment on both sides.)

Cringe Hob as part of the dark Hob spectrum, his self-importance/selfishness showing - of course it's not pure fun to watch, but I'm always so fascinated by that flicker of pain (foreshadowing shame) that comes right to the surface in all his put on show, just before he orders the lamb. The contrast makes for a very intense moment, imo. And I am wondering, has he really left all of this behind by 1889? Or is he simply more smooth by that time (that's what I'm getting from the show) ? In fanfics his flaws are mostly depicted as minor or serving a good end in modern times, he is always such a goodie by then (and I love him, of course). But can we imagine just a trace of more questionable/offputting Hob in the mix (if only on impulse) - to be clear, I have no idea how that would work. Or should we just be grateful that that lies behind him (it certainly makes for a much more likeable character and a nicer love story)?

(me force feeding myself more of the horrible stuff I just wanted to avoid looking at)

It's a beautiful contrast: opulence and insecurity. Success and asking still for validation. I have Thoughts on each meeting (please send me asks about them) - ostensibly the very first fannish thing I did for this show, and also in my adult life, was rewatch the meetings and pause constantly and take - oh holy Christ over 4,000 words of notes.

I propose Hob is not acting like a sorry fool. Sure, some bits are clearly played for comedy. Hob is selfish, self-important, and given to hedonism. He is concerned primarily with his own comfort and the personal pleasures of life. But I blame 1589 pretty solidly on Dream. In 1489, after being asked what his experience is like, he answers Dream with an inarticulate statement spoken by a true person who just Digs The Experience of Experiencing: it's 'fucking brilliant' and 'all changing'. Dream asks how, Hob literally looks around the room like a student who forgot an essay was due, and names chimneys and playing cards. Handkerchiefs. Simple things - still sensual things - but simple ones. Certainly no sociopolitical discourse here. What will you people think of next, says Dream, deeply sarcastic and visibly disinterested. And Dream also asks him: but what is Hob doing with his time? This, too, he is under-prepared to answer. Soldiering, banditry, bit of printing press work. Hardly enough to impress this supernatural lord, and Hob can tell.

When he is granted, explicitly, another 100 years by Dream, it is not only a relief, but I think a part of Hob squares its jaw in that moment and says: I'll show him - I'll show him what I can do in a century, I'll earn his pleased regard. Not necessarily because he's even, you know, madly in love at this point, but because he's in it for the living, does not intrinsically have great ambitions, but does have someone who has a) seemingly granted him this greatest gift and b) is unimpressed with what he's doing with it. And he's lost everyone he knew. Dream is now his oldest acquaintance, and wouldn't it be nice if he liked Hob?

He knows only the language of what impresses other men, and this is what he achieves. But to Dream, both Hob's socially-valued successes and his deeply personal ones are terrifically uninteresting. They are not New Dreams To Spur The Minds Of Men. There is no new story in a man seeking fortune and having a wife and a child he loves. He is ancient as the first dreaming thing, and he is Bored. He is, in fact, soured on this meeting from the outset, when he says "Hello, Hob," which on my watch struck me, apparently, as extremely bizarre and of having a real air of Hob being In Trouble. (The only other times Dream says his name are at the first, looming and omniscient, and in 1789, - 'I suggest you find yourself a different line of business, Robert Gadling'. He does not say it at their modern meeting.)

I mean - how would you impress someone? Someone who was interested in your deeds? Putting on a nice little dinner and catching them up on your life, talking about your family, seems a decent enough shout. It's not like you can ask him about his life, he won't offer information when asked and only sometimes will correct you if you venture your own guesses. (see also: 1889 foreshadowing) Hob is feeling proud and triumphant, feeling like he's come far. He is obviously a bit obnoxious about it, but I do think Dream shows off his flaws far more in 1589 than Hob does.

Hob's greatest sin, here, is trying to be liked. His greatest regret is almost certainly not the spread he put on, but the moment he was really, truly, earnest - not underscored even by a subsequent joke - the moment he declaims that this is what he had imagined Heaven to be like (safe enough to walk the streets; good food; good wine) - Life is so rich, he says - and Dream looks away to listen to Will Shaxberd, and we watch real time as Hob's expression collapses. He had leaned forward nearly out of his chair in enthusiasm, and now he shrinks back, reminded again of the dangers of earnestness: being alone in it. Being ignored. Better to make a joke of things, which is why he tells so many around Dream, especially after being more open - it's clearly a matter of habit. (It is also, incidentally, absolutely unappealing to Dream, who really and truly looks at him for the first time in 1689, when he is stripped of the social niceties of men and reigns nothing in.) He eats. He frets. He has had another century, and he has failed to impress the stranger.

The worst moment, I think, is that Dream does not renew their compact. He does not ask Hob if he still wishes to live, and Hob does not get the opportunity to say "Oh, yes." He was given this gift for one reason: the stranger was curious about his experiences. Does the stranger seem still curious about him now? I wonder, honestly, if Hob thought he would see another meeting.

Has he really left that all behind by 1889? No - you hear it in his own words, 'People are almost always better than you think they are.' - the earnesty, and then the joke - 'Not me, though, still the same as ever.' Except it's not really a joke, is it? Hob is saying to Dream, I know you don't think much of me, well, I don't pretend to think much of myself. He still wants Dream's validation, of course, he's just trying to earn it differently. (It goes poorly.) He's smoother, but also more frustrated, more fed up, more hungry for knowledge of his stranger; and I think that's such an interesting point in time for him. I think he leaves little behind, and what he does leave behind, he dreams of. He's changed so much and so little, and I think you could really go in whatever direction you want depicting that and be convincing.

I can't speak to the fanon on Hob's flaws because I don't read nearly as much as I wish I could. While I don't personally think 1589 Hob was actually that questionable or offputting - at least no more than most people would be in that situation - I would love to see a modern fic where has the same flaws he's always had, where they come up maybe different than they would have several centuries ago, but they absolutely exist, it does have plot consequences. Bonus points if he is not being offputting for the purposes of rescuing Dream from the fishbowl - if his flaws exist independent of his relationship with Dream altogether. Bonus bonus points if Hob is the one whose character development needs to be developed and Dream is in a better place than he is. If anyone has fic recs feel free to drop them in the comments!

P.S. 1589 Dream, wow, yes, for sure. 10/10 would babble and get walked out on

#the sandman #dreamling #century meetings #meta #dream of the endless #hob gadling #the amount of them just not understanding what the other person wants or is offering at first is incredible #1489 #1589 #an essay #i really do think the dynamics in the first few meetings are SO INTERESTING and precarious

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transgenderer · 1 year

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Up front: I'm fine. Don't worry about me. I've been dealing with this stuff for a decade. It's so mundane it's boring

So to me at least suicidality has two flavors, which we might call "reasoned" and "felt".

Felt suicidality is when your immediate stimulus is so terrible that escaping it is your number one priority, but it's inside your brain so you can't escape it, and so you feel you have to kill yourself the same way you might have to gnaw off your own foot if you were stuck in a bear trap and starving to death in the woods. I have no real recourse against felt suicidal it, but luckily antidepressants are pretty effective against it for me. Barring that I can like, take a nap, and there's a good chance I will feel terrible but less terrible when I wake up. It tends to be fleeting. Number one tactic to avoid dying: do not keep easy means of suicide in your house. Don't live alone.

The much more insidious form is reasoned suicidality. In this form, a submodule is arguing passionately that killing yourself is the rational choice. The expected utility for the rest of your life is negative. Things might be terrible but bearable now, but there's some oncoming thing that means it's going to get worse, or you're certain it will never get better, etc. This submodule loves the argument that there are dates worse than death. Like, if you know youre going to be tortured for the rest of your life, you should kill yourself now to avoid it.

As such, I think countering this line of reasoning requires philosophical work. I think it requires a decision theory where the answer to the question "if I know I'm going to be tortured to death, should I kill myself first to avoid it?" is no. There are lots of arguments for this position but I find most of them unsatisfying, so personally I think i have to embrace positive utilitarianism. The hedonic integral in the sky has an absolute value (or actually like. A relu. Whatever) slapped around it. It accepts values that decrease the total, but not below zero. Death is not infinitely bad but things cannot be worse than it.

The intuition: what have you got to lose dipshit! Let's say, for the sake of the argument, you have 60 years of suffering left on this earth. Who gives a shit! Obviously it's worse than 60 years of pleasure, but dying does not give you 60 years of pleasure! It gives you 60 extra years of nothing! Sure, suffering those years gives you a worse "high score" on the net pleasure in your life. Who gives a fuck! You have, quite literally, nothing to lose! Suffer anyway! Suffer for no reason! Why not! Sure, maybe your suicide is inevitable when the bouts of felt suicidality hit, but getting it over with early doesn't achieve anything!

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balkanradfem · 2 years

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There are some walnuts around this year. I’ve noticed a little walnut here and there, while foraging for apples, plums and peaches, the walnut trees are mixed with them.

I knew it was too early for the walnuts to be falling down fully edible, the trees were just shedding the empty and dried-up ones. But last year, there was no walnuts, and I haven’t had any for longer than a year. So it felt unreasonable not to collect and gather any kind of walnut, even if there was a chance it was empty.

I got a small bag of light walnuts, and I set them on the balcony to dry. If they were unripe, drying could help them a bit. And then one day finally, I grabbed a hammer, I grabbed my rock that I have from the river, and I started cracking them open.

Most of them were empty. But, every now and then, luck would strike and there was a fully delicious walnut to be found within the shell. And each time it would happen, my excitement would go thru the roof. Not having tasted walnuts in forever, I would hurriedly clean it with my fingertips and nails, then quickly stuff it in my mouth and then make noises of pure delight and happiness, mumbling about how perfect, sweet and delicious they are. It felt like the ultimate decadence and hedonism, stealing the few good walnuts from the dead-looking ones.

I went at it for a while, and then I caught myself in what I was doing, and I realized it. This. This is what being a squirrel is all about. I get it now. I get loving walnuts to the point where you’re willing to be the first critter scouring for them underneath a still-unripe looking walnut trees. I get willing to collect even bad-looking ones, only to later fervently crack them open and devour them with greatest pleasure, feeling like life has given you unlimited joy and riches. I too, would want to anxiously bury them everywhere to spare some for later, and I too, would forget and end up growing new walnut trees. The squirrels are right.

#walnuts #foraging #pleasures of eating local walnuts #i'm gonna go at it again #by now more walnuts are good to eat #and i will get them all

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mermaidsirennikita · 1 year

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ARC Review: His Study in Scandal by Megan Frampton

4/5. Releases 5/23/2023.

For when you're vibing with... Milf excellence, nice boys who fucking do, and lighthearted romance.

Widowed duchess Alexandra is tired of pretending to mourn her husband. Hitting the Garden of Hedon for a night of pleasure, she finds it with businessman Theo Osborne. Despite their intense evening together, she expects she'll never see Theo again... but she does. And it turns out he's meant to get engaged to her own daughter.

I usually love angst on angst, and I wouldn't say Megan Frampton's books are that. But somehow, they work for me anyway. Maybe because she writes really likable characters. Maybe because she writes super bomb sex scenes (especially in this one). Either way, I had a good time, and I loved writing about a heroine who's lived a legitimate life and a hero who's not only younger than her, but a good bit younger than her.

Quick Takes:

--I've seen some concerns about the age gap between Alexandra and Theo, and concerns about how the text addresses this (or rather, doesn't--it's not as much of an issue for the couple as is Theo's obligations towards her daughter, or for that matter Alexandra's desire for freedom). She's 40, and he's 28. I just don't think it's a big deal. She's 12 years older, and he's grown the fuck up. Theo is a man who has everything he needs on his own; he doesn't need Alexandra, and honestly, she doesn't really need him either. For the subject matter, the conflict here is relatively low. As a reader, I kind of loved that there wasn't a lot of handwringing over Alexandra's age. It's kind of criminal that so many people who read historical romance are women 40 and over, and they get so little representation in the subgenre.

Also, we read so many books with this age gap or much larger with an older hero and younger heroine (and I have no issue with that). Why is it a problem when she's older?

--There are some quibbles I have with the pacing, which is kind of... not slow, but calm, and then suddenly rushes at the end. It didn't take away from my enjoyment of the book, but I do feel like one particular trigger could've been pulled earlier in the story.

--Alexandra has a lot of concerns about being free in her future life after literal decades of a constraining marriage. This extends to her being uncertain of Theo really ensuring her freedom in the future. I found this to be a realistic concern for a woman in her era, with the experiences she'd had. It's not about her not loving Theo, or even really not trusting him as an individual. It's about him being a man and Alexandra having learned some pretty tough things about how men conduct themselves in marriage, especially within her class. I'm sure romance readers will be super normal about this. Personally, all of her hesitancy made me like Alexandra more and relate to her more for that matter.

--And because Alexandra is an interesting, complex character, I don't think it's surprising that Theo's development is a little quieter. A little her-centric. It's something we don't always see with historical heroes. He's not tortured, though he's not perfect, either. He's the kind of "good guy who puts it down" Megan Frampton is so good at writing.

The Sex Stuff:

This is the hottest Frampton book I've read so far. Like.... damn? Theo and Alexandra's relationship begins with sex. She never really had good sex in her marriage, and fortunately, he in fact a giver (though I wouldn't call him a sub). The sex they have is both super hot and passionate and like... genuinely fond? You can feel the relationship developing through it, and her confidence growing in turn. It's very sweet, while also being scorching. But this dude really would just dive under her dress headfirst at any given opportunity, huh? His enthusiasm and how much he loves giving her pleasure just leaps off the page.

I had a good time with this one. It's not perfect, but it's sexy and entertaining and a different take I'm happy to see in historical romance.

Thanks to Avon and Netgalley for providing me with a copy of this book. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

#romance novel blogging #arc reviews #netgalley #book recs #books #book reviews

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maximspublicprivatediary4sickos · 3 months

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Sat Feb 10 3am

I decided using my brain to just skip a second nights sleep. “I can do it! Why not! Done it before! The second day is easier!” Every muscle in my body hurts. I threw a fit at 7-eleven, when my card was declined. I cannot allow myself to believe this Extremist Mind over Matter shit. I actually was starting to seriously panic, very intensely, a few hours ago, I had that jolt in the back of my head that feels like some kinda mini stroke, my pulse was racing, and kept racing even when the other stuff mostly subsided. Ilja, YOU, despite the pseudonym, YOU, look at your hands right now, I am speaking to you as the being who knows you as closely as a being can know a being without being God: It hurts every time you do this. At best, it hurts. You cannot cheat it. Whatever glory days you thought you had, whatever dude. This is reality, it is now and it’s not going to change; you must change it. I love you, and you are slowly cracking yourself to bits with a hammer. You can’t / do it / ever.

I am not smart. I can tell a person about Hegel, about art, about politics, I can comprehend subtlety, observe and scrutinize and challenge. Sit laus Deo that I have not managed to fetter that stuff away. I am good at thinking in a particular kind of way, but at turns like these, my overarching, consuming self-delusion in areas of life that are directly germane to my survival, to my mental weal and capacity, is at a level where I am frightened of myself. I did Do a Couple of Tasks, so what. At the expense of what. Of waking up to loud alarms tomorrow? Maybe fucking my whole shit up for two days? (deus det mihi gratiam) I had some actually fairly great ideas in the beginning of the day for working this film, that’s for tomorrow’s entry. The hospital is for other people, always, to those people, until it’s for them.

I am hoping this entry will be what keeps me never doing that again. Sleep is sacred. I should already be asleep, but it was frankly essential that I journal this before lying down to have uncomfortably weird scary hypnogogia. Earlier in the “day” (weird to say when the day had three days to it), I was feeling myself, I was a little innocuously cocky, and I was feeling hopeful. I storyboarded (in my sort of scattered way) for a film that could be, I wrote an essay on Adorno of which I am proud. Mostly those things were done in the scattered hours when I had some artificial assistance, but alas, best not throw baby out with bath water [this year I have to, I have to, life or death I have to trickle out this bath water.] Hope I cannot allow to die. I cannot allow hope to be even emaciated, vitiated. It is what I have. My hedonism brings pain. And not just after the Great Pleasure wears off: no, pleasure is scarce as all get out when I punish my body (and soul, as evinced by my hair trigger lash outs when I am this tightly wired up.) I’ve lived my life a hedonist. 17 years, and the results have been anhedonic, always.

I’m going a bit ham on the Christianity here — I have to feel God; I have to have religion in these hours, and, hats off to those pedantic atheists: indeed, it is because I am afraid. Yet I would surely rather be a Dupe to something that is a glimmer of comfort and potentiality than to something that’s not unlike scamming myself out of money, time, and emotional peace, on a concrete basis.

Ilja, my friend, for better or worse: you tell yourself sleep deprivation helps you make better art. It doesn’t. What it does is disinhibit you and some “I should be dreaming right now” sorts of ideas flit by. But you will never ever be an exceptional artist if you do not simply sit there at the screen or on the paper and work, and every time you do this you foreclose that possibility. Every. Time. You sit on Discord until your phone is scalding hot, and you trick yourself into letting that be a replacement—hey I’m talking ideas, I’m having conversations. Sure. Talking ideas. Talking ideas. Never in your life have you had trouble doing that. You do not need to hone that. You need to back away from it and towards work.

Are you serious about art? Do you mean it? Does it enrich you? I believe yes. But art is work. Like weight lifting or something, the more fertile inputs to art are not looking at others art — though this is important to — but sleep, food, exercise, in person sociality, and the titration from chemicals.

I have made my parents disappointed in me. I am the embarrassing topic at extended family dinners, with my faux-Christian judgmental witch of a Nana. But that bit aside, my father saved up from a low level professional police job for 18 years so that I could attend whatever college I wanted, and an expensive one, turns out, I did. That hurts. That hurts me, AS my dad. I put on the empathy shoes, I am made unhappy and bitter each time that pops into my mind. To have a human being I (my dad) forged and loved, squander his graciously given chance to do whatever I wanted… I cannot imagine. But I did it. I couldn’t handle myself, I was not fit for the world, and rather than work on that concertedly I simply chickened out.

That’s to say, yes my mother and father, but my dearest friends: they bring me in and accept me despite even egregious moral errors. Why? The “why” is something I have to continue to answer, not in theory, but through my actions. I am so, so grateful for Gram, Erin, Chris, Abigail and Kyle. Erin has lent me thousands. The money isn’t exactly the point here, although it is, but: I want nothing more than to be able to be generous myself. To pay for a group dinner. To say “I can spot you if you need some help.” When I was able to do that, there was nothing I enjoyed more, and didn’t expect it back, because friends do friends. Erin I think maybe sometimes doesn’t believe how deeply I want that, how much of my pursuits are motivated to repay her and to discontinue this unjust arrangement of which she bears the overwhelming brunt. Has nothing to do with some slimy desire to be Appreciated in that particular way. Only to be able to do what I must and the inability for which is something that drives me a different type of crazy (many to count.)

*Wake tomorrow: feel like shit, get errands done, the shitfeel will happen, you will survive and you will move to the next day and you will thrive. If you care for the vessel that carries your mind and your soul.

**Do not lose touch with Kyle. He is going through what you are. And he is emotionally gracious and communicative as are you. You need him, he needs you.

Today’s music is two things, first Iceage. Gorgeous, even when they played their brand of pathos driven literary punk rock. Lyrics (pictured, a fragment) hit home today.

Second, Taverner. Holy minimalism. Sublimity. Just elegiac and true

#Spotify

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impeccablebackside · 4 months

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i know that's a silly and nerdy little question, but somehow i'm still into it. how many times do you think the "average" jellicle couple fucks in a week?

It is not a silly or nerdy question to me anon, so keep them coming. As much as sex is pleasurable and fun (and it would be), I think it is a good way for two people to connect in a way that nothing else can quite match. Physical intimacy between a couple is extending a form of love and care into a relationship dynamic that essentially no one else outside of said couple can have. It is needless to explain how special that is.

Anyway, to answer your question I would say that it varies a fair bit between any given couple.

For Victoria and Plato, they have straight up all-they-can-muster passionate sex at least once or twice a week. They have a hard time keeping their paws to themselves, always waiting to hold the other or embrace in some way. Not only that, they are constantly kissing when they are together. Unsurprisingly, it oftentimes translates to them fucking out the feelings of immense love and lust that they will never grow tired of.

Rumple and Mungo fuck in some way or another basically every single day. Mutually operating out of pure hedonism, Rumple more than Mungo sexually, they are in a constant search for excitement and pleasure. The fucking does not even need to be something big or lengthy (that's what she said) either, as some fingering / jerking or oral love goes more than a long way to start off, elevate, or close out another day. Though, it all gets conflated enough that the smaller acts become them mounting the other before long. Who can blame them.

Cass and Alonzo fuck at least once a week, and they always ensure it is something for the ages. Nothing overly complicated by any means, but very little nothing is a special for the tom as Cass' perfect pussy. It is the stuff of legends and myths. They use up all available energy when they fuck, battling it out position and domination wise. Cass always wins those though, not the Alonzo minds.

Bomba and Tugger are a couple that varies. Sometimes it is three or four times a week when they are really hungry for the other, other times it is a more sustainable once a week or less. It depends on how great the sex ends up being. Short sessions are great, and lead to more short fucking times in the day(s) that follows. When the sex is a more involved affair, it keeps them satisfied for longer.

Deme and Munk try to set aside a weekly rendezvous, but it frequently gets hampered by other adult responsibilities. Their fucking comes in quick bursts to make up for lost time if a dry spell goes on longer than a week. Otherwise, if it ends up being a long time, they have a marathon fuck session that goes on for hours to ensure everything is (literally) out of their system.

Jelly and AGus still find time to fool around here and there, but more structured sex is not overly common. It happens more out of spontaneity than any planned interval.

For those without a definitive partner, sex is obviously not on any committed time-line. Tanto fucks infrequently based on when her partners are available, and those times are certainly capitalized on. Jenny fucks based on how often Busto (or Skimble) is around, so it ends up being less frequent.

#First ask of 2024! Thanks for this anon #send more asks please #I get being Mungo and getting a piece of Rumple whenever you can #Even if it is probably her initiating it to begin with at points #The best sex is between vic and Plato #It is a time of spiritual and physical fulfillment that reinforces love

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castielcommunism · 2 years

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could you maybe elaborate on why you changed your mind about endverse cas? im having a hard time trying to understand ben edlunds vision and why people love that version of cas so much

Yeah for sure! I’ll preface this by saying that the execution of endverse Cas leaves something to be desired imo (like the whole hippy vibes are a bit much, the orgies are over the top), but thematically I think it’s a very natural and logical way for Cas to develop, especially in a worst case scenario like the world ending. So I like the thematic elements of endverse Cas and the concept of it, not necessarily all the specific details included in the episode, if that makes sense. Celebrating the spirit of it rather than the literal execution.

So to start, I think one of the most important internal motivations for Cas is hedonism. He is curious and pleasure-seeking (those two things are heavily linked), and generally wants to feel good. I think people tend to read Dean as a hedonist, but I don’t actually think that’s the case - he substitutes short term pleasure for long term happiness, and pleasure functions as an easy form of comfort for him, but the thing he wants is happiness and comfort, not pleasure directly. But with Cas I think he just enjoys feeling pleasure in all kinds of forms and is actively curious about it. Not only does it function to make him feel good, but it’s also a knowledge-building activity. He wants to understand things, and he doubly wants to understand things that feel good to him. Pleasure is a site of discovery for him, and he actively wants to engage in that as much as possible.

But Cas is also heavily restrained in that regard. I don’t think he’s naturally a restrained person at all, but through circumstance and his relationship with Dean, he’s had to learn a great deal of restraint. And I think Cas has a complex about it, like I think he believes himself noble for being so inhibited when really all he wants to do is have a good time. But like realistically a starved glutton isn’t a noble one, they’re just a restrained one. Cas would do a lot of pretty fucked up stuff if it meant getting what he wants, especially if that includes “getting” Dean. And on some level he knows that about himself, but it’s easy to ignore when the question of “having Dean” is purely theoretical. I think this is much more true of early seasons Cas than later seasons, where he’s mellowed out and become more adjusted to life on Earth (although not entirely - “I’m going to watch you murder the world” in s10 is demonstrative of what I’m talking about), but endverse is early seasons so I think this all makes sense.

And I’m not saying this as a “bad” thing per se. Everyone is selfish to some degree, but I think one of Cas’ shortcomings is that he doesn’t realise he’s selfish. That one Metatron line about draping himself in the flag of Heaven when really he’s only doing this for one guy (Dean) is, again, a good example. I think Metatron is right! I think on some level Cas styles himself a martyr, a noble fool whose biggest crime was loving too much, and woe is him for choosing to love a man who won’t return his favour. But if someone seriously approached him and said hey, there is a way to get Dean to love you back, there is a way for you to have him in every way possible, what do you think he would do to get that? Or maybe a better question is, what do you think he would consider too extreme in the course of pursuing that goal? What wouldn’t he do?

Cas IS selfless and altruistic in a lot of ways, don’t get me wrong, but I think that he’s got a streak of narcissism in him, the kind that people who deeply hate themselves have. He’s not getting validation from anyone else, so he may as well give it to himself, but the way he does that is, again, couched in self-hatred. He’s prideful of his own failures and congratulates himself for being humble about it. I fucked up but I did it for the greater good, I love but am not loved, etc etc. It’s a pitiable position, but it’s a principled and noble one, which is how Cas styles himself. I think it’s also a way for him to contend with how little he’s allowed to indulge in his own desire for pleasure. He’s just too good of a guy to put that on anyone (read: Dean) so he settles for crumbs.

So you’ve got Cas with a martyr complex and a hugely repressed hedonistic streak, and then you couple that with a deep nihilism about the world ending. Cas has lost his grace and become fully human, and his disobedience on Earth is partially responsible for the world literally ending. He no longer has any real cause to follow or goals to pursue aside from following the orders Dean gives him and protecting what few people are left, so I think by that point he realises there’s no reason to not seek out pleasure whenever it becomes available to him. Now he’s also trying to fill a void inside him by doing that (his guilt, his loss of identity, his inability to be with Dean, the end of all life on Earth), but he still enjoys pleasure for the sake of it. He is masking his grief and anger and pain with physical and chemical pleasure, but he’s also indulging himself in a way he never was able to before, so that’s the silver lining.

So at least for me personally, I think endverse Cas crystallises a lot of those important character traits in him and helps to clarify the perspective Cas is coming from. He’s a pretty straightforward person in a lot of ways, but the fact that he’s never allowed to be straightforward has caused him a lot of issues and problems. And I think the dual impulse of both wanting to straightforwardly “do the right thing” while also constantly questioning what the right thing actually is causes him a lot of grief already. He wants to be righteous and certain because that’s what angels are and that’s what’s easy, but he fundamentally rejects easy authority. And then on top of that he’s been conditioned into repressing that curiosity, so now you have a guy who doesn’t know what the right thing is anymore and has little recourse to discover it. So at that point doing drugs and having sex all day sounds like the best course of action. If he can’t indulge his curiosity in larger ways like “what does it mean to be good?”, then he may as well indulge it in immediate, simple, controllable ways. I think this is also partially why godstiel was another very natural conclusion to his character, because Cas was taking that curiosity to its most extreme end, which is trying to fundamentally reorganise the way Heaven was structured in order to have a definitive answer to “what is the right thing to do?”. Like, make Heaven good and then the question of what good means will flow easily from it. If he can’t feel good he can at least feel righteous.

Anyway sorry lol this is veering off topic but, those are my thoughts on the matter. Like with a lot of things in spn, the concept slaps even if the execution is insufficient in some way.

#cas.txt #cas studies #asks #meta

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chubote · 3 years

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Don’t stop fucking yourself to your hoggish nature. Sexual pleasure needs to be synonymous with fattening up your body. Like grinding your fat pad is an essential part of nourishment. The more it turns you on, the more you’ll want to glut yourself even more than you already enjoy doing so. Soon regular meals will make you climax and your mega binges will be pure bliss. You’ll never be full enough, you’ll hump your lard to the thought of food itself like you do while stuffing now. Like a good hedonistic puppy

Trust me, I can't help myself, heh. I've trained myself far too well to associate sexual pleasure with gluttony. Whenever I glut myself, I get deeply turned on - mentally and physically. Whenever I'm turned on, I want to stuff myself until I'm pinned under my own achingly full gut. It's an insidious little cycle to be stuck in - and it's incredibly hot. It's no wonder my weight just keeps skyrocketing, there's no hope for me resisting such pleasure. And it shows with every pound of blubber added to my frame.

And of course, it's only getting worse as I continue to give in. I feel like I'm always slipping further down that spiral of gluttony and hedonism, and I absolutely love it. I don't doubt that I'll start unconsciously bucking against my fat pad at the mere thought of food sooner rather than later - being a hedonistic, hoggish pup is what I'm destined to be 🐶

#ask

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herinsectreflection · 3 years

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I Don't Sleep on Bed of Bones: The Slayer as a Killer Across the Seasons

A pretty constant question throughout Buffy's arc - arguably the central question of the entire show, that Buffy must answer, is "what is a slayer? What does being The Vampire Slayer mean?". And a major part of that is the question of whether a slayer is just a killer. It's a question central to S5, but ripples throughout the rest of the show too, with some of the most iconic scenes in the show in converstion with each other around it. Inspired by an ask I received about this from @potterkid, I took a look at how this idea develops and resolves itself over the course of the show.

In S1, being the Slayer means accepting responsibility. It's metaphor for growing up - a metaphor that recurs throughout the show along with other ideas, but is strongest in S1. Buffy is torn between her teenage/human wants and her adult/supernatural responsibilities. She accepts her mortality and her duty (fighting the Master), and wins when she manages to integrate that with her personal desires (fighting the Master in a kickass prom dress with her friends and boyfriend). There's some stuff around the classic superhero idea that being around the hero is dangerous -e.g. in Never Kill a Boy on the First Date, but not much on the idea of a Slayer being a killer exactly.

In S2, being the Slayer means making hard choices. It means accepting that sometimes all your options are bad ones, but choosing one anyway, even at personal cost. This is introduced through Ford's story in Lie to Me, with Buffy's words to him forming one of the core thesis statements of the show ("You have a choice. You don't have a good choice, but you have a choice."), and it's climaxed beautifully in the tragic ending of Becoming. There's not much direct allusion to the idea of Buffy being a killer here, but this is a vital moment in that discussion. Ultimately, Buffy does make the decision here to kill Angel - not to slay Angelus, but to kill him. To take the life of her ensouled lover in order to save others. It's kind of the opposite of the decision that Ford makes - the best of two bad choices. It's the classic trolley problem, and Buffy's hand is on the lever by design - she has to make that choice because she's the Slayer. We will see this moment returned to again and again as this Slayer-vs-Killer theme develops.

Also, Ted is a very important episode for later. Buffy herself feels guilty specifically because she used her slayer powers on what she thinks is a regular human, and therefore killed him. Specifically, being the Slayer made her a Killer. It's also notable that this is where the idea of Buffy having a free reign to kill is first introduced - by Buffy's original shadow self in Cordelia no less.

Cordelia: I don't get it. Buffy's the Slayer. Shouldn't she have... Xander: What, a license to kill? Cordelia: Well, not for fun. But she's like this superman. Shouldn't there be different rules for her? - 2x12 Ted This isn't explored massively here but will be revisited again and again going forward.

S3 is where this theme really comes into focus. Faith enters as Buffy's shadow self and a representation of hedonism. How that manifests is as a Slayer who gives herself a license to Kill. She posits the idea that as slayers, they can and should decide who lives and dies.

Faith: Something made us different. We're warriors. We're built to kill. Buffy: To kill demons! But it does not mean that we get to pass judgment on people like we're better than everybody else! Faith: We are better! - 3x15 Consequences

Obviously, this is something that Buffy has to reckon with and fight against. But there is a glimmer of truth here, because at the end of S2, she does take the power of life and death into her own hands. She is faced with the choice between Angel and the world and decides that Angel should die. She had to, that's the position she has to be in because she is the Slayer. She has to be a Killer because she is a Slayer. So the two are intertwined.

More than this, Faith is someone who at least appears to revel in the kill. Up until now, we hadn't really seen Buffy enjoy being a slayer, but Faith does. Buffy is genuinely drawn to that, to slaying for pleasure. The equation of slaying/killing and sex for Buffy is first explicitly drawn by Faith in this season. ("Isn't it crazy how slaying always makes you hungry and horny?"). Slayers are very much like vampires in that respect, blurring the line between sex and death. In general, Faith introduces the idea that Buffy is drawn to killing - not just to protect people (the ideal of a Slayer), but for its own benefit. That's something that Buffy continues to struggle with going forward.

I have said before that Faith in S3 is an echo of Angel in S2, both in Buffy's relationship to them both and how that shifts mid-season, and in how it ends. In Graduation Day, Buffy again is given the power of life and death. This time, it's more personal - she can stop Angel dying by killing Faith. It's not such a straightforward (for want of a better word) decision as Angel .vs. the literal entire world, it's just the value of one life against the other. Another trolley problem, and it's not an easy choice, but it's still a choice. Just as she chose the lesser evil in killing Angel in S2, she kills the person filling the Angel role in S3. And this time, the choice is explicitly tied to the idea of being a Killer. Faith is set up as the person that Buffy could be in a slightly different world, and that person is a Killer, as Faith herself claims.

"What are you gonna do, B? Kill me? You become me. You're not ready for that, yet." - Faith Lehane, 3x17 Enemies

"You did it, B. You killed me." - Faith Lehane, 3x22 Graduation Day

In the act of choosing to pull the lever, Buffy has to kill. In the act of killing, she has become her dark mirror. In the act of defeating/becoming Faith, she becomes again the sole Slayer. Being a killer and a Slayer again intertwined. It's interesting here that she then makes the decision to feed herself to Angel. She unravels the trolley problem by throwing herself on the tracks. It's fascinating that between the dual trolley-problem finales of Becoming and The Gift, where in the first Buffy chooses to pull the lever, and in the latter she refuses and chooses a third option, Graduation Day exists in the middle as a stepping stone where she kind of does both.

The bulk of S4 is a little lighter on this theme, instead examining The Slayer as a role that must be juggled amongst a series of competing roles as Buffy's life as an adult becomes more fractured. There are flavours of it in Fear Itself, where Buffy fears that her friends will leave and her destiny lies with death and the dead, but otherwise not too much jumps out at me. Except, of course, for Restless, which is so heavy with this theme. It's one of the many reasons why I kind of consider Restless an honourary part of S5, as it's setting up the themes and arcs of S5 as much as it's wrapping up the like from S4.

RILEY: Hey there, killer.

BUFFY: We're not demons. ADAM: Is that a fact?

RILEY: Thought you were looking for your friends. Okay, killer...

TARA: I live in the action of death, the blood cry, the penetrating wound. I am destruction. Absolute ... alone. BUFFY: The Slayer. FIRST SLAYER: No friends! Just the kill.

OK, so SO much to unpack here. This is all within the under-10-minute sequence of Buffy's dream, and in that sequence she constantly shows a fear that she is in fact a "killer". It's clearly strong in her mind. Riley calls her "killer" multiple times, and Adam equates her with him, and with demonhood. I also find it very interesting how she responds to Tara's words, which are very literally describing the act of kiling ("the action of death...the blood cry...the penetrating wound"). She hears that and immediately identifies her as the Slayer, so slayerhood and killing are clearly bound up together in her mind.

Central to her concerns is the dichotomy between friendship and death. This was built up in Fear Itself, and it's central here. Riley and Sineya both frame it as a choice, between friendship and "the kill". This is a fear that Buffy has already, since S1, that her Slayer life will stop her ability to have a "normal" life of friends and family, but it also sets up her arc in S5 nicely. She chooses her friends over becoming a pure instrument of death in Restless, but that does not resolve her ongoing fears. They existed before and continue to dwell even more strongly in her mind, with words that both Sineya and Dracula repeat.

"You think you know ... what's to come ... what you are. You haven't even begun."

This sets the stage for S5, and her arc of choosing between family and being the Slayer. Friendship and family are presented as more of less one and the same a few episodes later in Family, and the choice Buffy is faced with in S5 is another trolley problem - the life of Dawn against the world. This time, it's more specifically tied to the Slayer/Killer dichotomy through the prophecy that Buffy is faced with ("Death is your gift"). This frames the similar choices she faced in Becoming and Graduation Day in the same light, with Buffy even specifically comparing this to the former.

BUFFY: I sacrificed Angel to save the world. I loved him so much. But I knew ... what was right. I don't have that any more. I don't understand. I don't know how to live in this world if these are the choices. If everything just gets stripped away. I don't see the point. I just wish that... I just wish my mom was here. The spirit guide told me that death is my gift. Guess that means a Slayer really is just a killer after all. - 5x22 The Gift

S5 is soaked in this Killer-vs-Slayer idea, and that's part of why I love it so much. It opens with Buffy having gained an appreciation of killing. She goes out not to patrol, but to hunt. To revel in the enjoyment of the kill, just as Faith did. There's also a constant theme of people identifying Buffy as a Killer. Importantly, it's a theme of her believing them. She knows that there is a kernel of truth there, and it develops from a subconcious worry in Restless to a more concrete fear in Intervention, where Buffy explicitly says that she is afraid that being the Slayer means losing her humanity and ability to love, and become nothing more than a "killer". Eventually, Buffy is so ground down by it that when The Gift rolls around, she simply accepts that the Slayer is "just a killer" as an inevitability.

BUFFY: Yeah, I prefer the term slayer. You know, killer just sounds so... DRACULA: Naked? - 5x01 Buffy vs Dracula

SPIKE: Death is your art. You make it with your hands, day after day. That final gasp. That look of peace. - 5x07 Fool for Love

FIRST SLAYER: Death is your gift. - 5x18 Intervention

I also like the way that Joyce is repeatedly linked to this idea. Buffy's response to Sineya points to Joyce's death as a rebuttal to the idea of death being a gift ("Death is not a gift. My mother just died. I know this."). Buffy talks about Joyce just before accepting that "a slayer is a killer" in The Gift. Spike's speech about Slayer's having a death wish comes immediately before Buffy finds out that Joyce is going into hospital. The idea of the Slayer as an instrument of death, killing every day, is juxtaposed against the mundane horror of what death is really like, as demonstrated in The Body. As the Slayer, Buffy must cause death, but this is what death looks like. It's hard and painful and mortal and stupid. Eventually Buffy reaches a point where she just can't do this anymore. She can't live in a world where she must choose to be a killer, because she understands death more now than ever.

It's here that the show explicitly connects the ideas of utilitarianism and being a killer. Buffy says that killing Dawn to save the world (and by association killing Angel to save the world, or killing Faith to save Angel), would make the Slayer "just a killer". This goes back to S3, and Faith arguing that the death of one innocent was washed out by the many people that they save, and that being Slayers gives them the right to make that calculation. Tara points to Giles in this episode, the voice of utilitarianism, and identifies him as a killer. Giles himself identifies himself as one when he kills Ben, and here draws a line between being a utilitarian/killer, and being a hero.

BEN: Need a ... a minute. She could've killed me. GILES: No she couldn't. Never. ... She's a hero, you see. She's not like us.

Some people criticise the moral absolutism of this, and could very justifiably argue that killing Ben, or even killing Dawn, would be the most moral thing in this situation. Who are we to say that Dawn's life is more valuable than the lives of a thousand other 14 year old girls, with families of their own that love them just as much as Buffy loves Dawn? But within the context of the show, I think it makes sense for them to reject utilitarianism. Buffy is a Sisyphean story. There will always be another apocalypse after this one is stopped. There will always be another impossible choice with innocent lives in the balance. Through that lens, the idea of "killing one to save a thousand" becomes meaningless, because there's a thousand apocalypses, and if you kill one to stop them all, then you've killed a thousand. That's how Buffy feels - she killed Angel, she killed Faith, now she has to kill Dawn? Where does it end? Eventually it all just gets stripped away, so what's the point? There's no winning move here. The only way to break the cycle is to change the game.

We should also keep in mind Buffy's words at the start of the episode. She fears that the Slayer is "just a killer", but she is also identified by the guy she saves in the alley in the opening scene as "just a girl". And Buffy agrees ("That's what I keep saying."). Buffy is The Vampire Slayer, which dictates that she must make these impossible choices, but she's also Buffy, which means she is a human being with the power of free will. She gets a choice - not a good choice, but a choice. As a human being, she can reject the options in front of her and find a third way. She can transform the whole game, and turn "Death is your gift" into an empowering statement. This was heavily foreshadowed of course - the Guide in Intervention outright stated that Buffy was full of love, and that "love will bring [her] to [her] gift". But it takes Buffy working through these fears and emotions and realising that she simply can't take Dawn's life. She chooses a new way. She avoids being a killer by rejecting utilitarian ethics. To paraphrase The Last Jedi, she wins by saving what she loves. Ultimately, she's not a killer, but a girl, a friend, a sister, a Slayer - a hero.

So season five is very much the climax and resolution of this theme. Very few themes ever disappear entirely from this show though, and this one continues to echo throughout the show. In S6, Buffy again fears she is slipping into darkness. That there is some kind of darkness that is innate within her. But where in S5 this was a fear that she recoiled from but at times seemed inevitable, in S6 it is something that she is drawn towards, that disgusts her but that she takes a kind of comfort in, because it's easier than facing the mundane reality of her depression.

This yearning for her own darkness takes the physical form of Spike, who she uses for what is basically sexual self-harm. Spike steps into Faith's role as Buffy's shadow self for much of the later seasons, and , and like Faith he represents killing as hedonism, and as sex. There's no vampire who so aggressively blurs the lines of sex and death/violence as Spike. Her fear that killing is part of her nature, and her fear of her own sexual desire, are very much one and the same. When she breaks down in Dead Things, she talks about the darkness within her, and of her shame over her own sexuality.

Spike also repeats Faith's utilitarian justifications from Consequences in the episode which forms the climax of Buffy's self-destruction, Dead Things. When Buffy attempts to metaphorically commit suicide by turning herself into the police, she does it while constantly identifying herself as a killed. She repeats some variation on "I killed her" four times in just two scenes. She wants to be punished for being a killer, and not protected for being the slayer. She has grappled with this several times, and is still resolute that being the slayer does not give her a license to kill, but this time she is desperate to be seen as a killer, to give justification for her own self-hatred.

The final way S6 explores this idea is with Willow. When she is after Warren, Buffy tries to stop her, not for Warren's sake but for Willow's. She knows that taking a life changes a person, and implicitly draws on the first time she chose to take a human's life, the moment she "became a killer" on that rooftop with Faith.

Buffy (re: going to kill Faith): I can't play kid games anymore. This is how she wants it. Xander: I just don't want to lose you. Buffy: I won't get hurt. Xander: That's not what I mean. - 3x21 Graduation Day

XANDER: She should be coming down at some point, shouldn't she? I mean, back there she was out of her head ... running on grief and magicks. BUFFY: Doesn't matter . Willow just killed someone. Killing people changes you. Believe me, I know. - 6x21 Two to Go Killing Warren might have been justified given what a complete piece of shit he was - just as killing Angel was justified, just as killing Faith was, just as killing Ben was. That doesn't matter, because Buffy still recognises that the act of killing leaves permanent psychological scars, which she is still bearing.

In S7, we get the final major exploration of the "does the Slayer have a right to kill" idea in Selfless. Here, Buffy seems to have reached the conclusion that Cordelia, Faith and Spike (all her shadow selves) were right, and she does, in fact, have the right to pass judgment because she's the Slayer, when she decides she has to kill Anya.

"It is always different! It's always complicated. And at some point, someone has to draw the line, and that is always going to be me. You get down on me for cutting myself off, but in the end the slayer is always cut off. There's no mystical guidebook. No all-knowing council. Human rules don't apply. There's only me. I am the law." - 7x05 Selfless

However, I don't think the show wants us to take this as gospel. Buffy is conclusively proved wrong in this episode, since killing Anya doesn't work, and it's Willow who finds a third option that saves the day. In S7, the idea of the Slayer-as-Killer is more an incidental theme, while the central exploration is the idea of "one girl in all the world". It explores the nature of that tragedy, that Buffy is by definition alone. Because of this, she necessarily must be a killer. She does have to pass judgement, because there is nobody else capable of it. She has to be the one to hunt and kill vampires. She has to face the choice to kill Angel, to kill Faith, to kill Dawn, to kill Anya.

This is where the theme ends up - as a tragic inevitability. Buffy must always make that choice. Making the selfless choice to kill her boyfriend doesn't stop it. Avoiding the choice and dying herself doesn't even stop it. That boulder just rolls down the hill again and again, and Buffy is the only one who can push it back up. The Slayer is a killer because the Slayer is alone. So the only way to break that cycle is for the Slayer to no longer be alone. There are still elements of The Slayer, and of Buffy as a person, that are linked to death and killing, but she has mostly made peace with those parts, and now can be free of having to be "the law" too.

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wisehoagiekidwobbler · 3 years

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Why bad things happen after you start practising witchcraft?

Calorie/Nutrient Loss

Performing spells, working with releasing blocks, or simply emotionally fraught situations use up a lot of the nutrients that our brains use. We tend to think of ‘work’ only as something we do for money, or maybe the tasks we have to do that really suck, but all action, including mental action, is work. And whilst some work lifts up our souls, all work uses up calories and nutrients. You’ve got to replace that, or you will quite literally run out and have to start using up stored resources. This is normally okay in terms of pure calories – a lot of us have pretty okay fat reserves – but when it comes to certain types of nutrients, we just can’t store them the same way.

Running low on physical energy/mental energy (which is truly the same thing) often means we’re forced to use up soul energy – that sudden burst of energy that can come through when we think we’re down and defeated. But the thing is, that energy is best saved for situations where it’s really called for – life or death situations, grieving, running marathons, writing books – amazing, cool stuff, the stuff that doesn’t happen often. When you’re dipping into that soul reserve on a regular basis, dis-ease is right behind you.

A lot of what we call mental illness is really just different ways of being burnt-out. And magick, like any other work, can contribute to burn-out. Watch out for signs like tiredness, exhaustion, fatigue, irritability, low mood, increased negative thoughts, making mistakes or poor decisions.

After you do a spell or some deep internal work, always make sure you up your amounts of salt, good sugars like those in fruit and vegetables, protein, Vitamin D and magnesium. Especially magnesium! Most of us are running low constantly anyway, as soil depletion means our food doesn’t have the levels it should.

More sensitive

As you do more magic, particularly if you’re also deliberately working on heightening your intuition, you’ll naturally become more sensitive to feeling the various energies of the world.

This includes the negative ones. And remember – negative energy is often simply ‘inappropriate’ energy. Everything in the universe has its place, but that place is often not your house.

As you become more attuned, you’ll find yourself reacting quicker or perhaps even more intensely to negative energies, especially in other people. If you work at your meditation and use good shielding methods, after awhile you stop becoming quite so reactive about it. You also know who and what to remove out of your life, too 😉

Also, just as you got used after years to living in an energetic waste site, so to will you get used to living it a place that’s cleaning and flowing. If your rooms looks like a bomb hit it, you won’t notice the sock on the floor. But if you’re tidy and orderly, you will.

You just can’t let yourself get worked up about the energetic equivalent of a sock on the floor. It’s counter-productive in so many ways. If it really bothers you, daily energetic cleansings can take anywhere from two – five minutes when the groundwork’s been done.

Lack of Detachment

The Universe doesn’t understand ‘dread’, which is, in essence, negative desire. The Universe only understands desire. So, what you put your focus on, does indeed grow.

When you worry about poor outcomes, or simply approach the time after a spell with worry or desperation, weird stuff happens. You’re confusing two desires, and the Universe isn’t sure which to pick, at best, and picks your dread, at worst.

Try to distract yourself from the outcome, should it arise in your mind, try and remain positive and hopeful. But don’t try and do that whole ‘be positive all the time’ shit either – leaning into negative emotions in the proper space and time is great. Just try not to poke at open wounds – a watched pot never boils!

Guides prompting you to do stuff, normally internal blocks

There are essentially two philosophies in life. Be a good person and eventually get everything you want. And: get everything you want and through that become changed into a better person.

The first is what’s known as the right hand path in some magick circles, and the second is the left-hand path. The left hand path scares a lot of people with its focus on self-gain, hedonism, and the optional wild orgies on a moonlight night. Devotees on the left-hand path are also harder to control, with their focus on self-gratification, and self-illumination. When you look after yourself, that makes those who want you to do as your told, nervous.

I bring this up, not to preach at you (either pathway is fine, do what works for you), but to point out that any and all practical magick when entered into mindfully is the left-hand path. This is why some people don’t think that you should do magic for personal gain. I think that all practical magic is for personal gain, and given that a desire to be of service is a fundamental human desire that brings pleasure when it is gratified, that even service is selfish.

When you ask for and receive a gift from the Universe, the gift comes with a lesson. And the lesson is sometimes not fun, but when you lean into it, it can become ‘fun’. It also helps you internalise the lesson and move on quicker, rather than remaining stuck.

Especially with larger things like money or love, there is a plethora of lessons to learn about having, containing, giving, receiving and a thousand other things. So, if you do a spell for money and you’re suddenly presented with debts, be mindful about the potential lesson here. Say ‘thank you’ for the additional lessons, and trust that when you lean into the lesson, it will work itself out. Maybe not in the way, you thought, but in a way that is better for you.

This goes for other magics, too – life will not be perfect, it’s okay if you got weird results, it just means that maybe you try something slightly different. Be more specific. Be less specific. Realise that perhaps you got what you wanted and it’s not like how you thought it would be, and that’s okay too. You’re alive. You’ve learned.

Through the self-gratification of asking for and receiving your desire, you’ve grown and matured as a person.

#grimoire #witchcraft #book of spells #wicca #book of shadows #witch #spell book #witches journal #magic book #pagan #pentagram #upper world #divine magic #divine witchcraft #alchemy #box for witchcraft #witchy spells #forest witch #eitch

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keirangoldenwatch · 3 years

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World Building Wheneversday: Seran / Nox

I was tagged by @swtorpadawan (but missed Wednesday on account of sleeping :D;; so it's wheneversday again). Enjoy!

B A S I C S

• Full name: Seran Lohi ("Lohi" is the clan name of her adopted mother, Tenku'lohi, so it's technically her surname--sort of) • Gender: Female • Sexuality: Heterosexual ((One of my very few "straight" characters hah)) • Pronouns: She/Her

O T H E R S

• Family: Mother and Father (Biological Parents, Presumed Dead) | Tenku'lohi (Adoptive Mother, Minimal Contact; Tenku'lohi met Seran when she was eight and Tenku'lohi was sixteen, and she promised to return and free Seran once she was an adult. Their respective positions in Imperial society makes spending time together more and more difficult and dangerous. But Seran still loves her.) | Vector Hyllus (Adoptive Father, Minimal Contact; something of a step-dad, and they haven't had as much time together due to the same stuff keeping her away from Tenku'lohi, but she loves her bug-dad just as much) | Aloysius Kallig (Great x??? Grandfather, Dead but Talkative; Seran has mixed feelings on her ancestor's ghost because on one hand he's the reason she has Force sensitivity, on the other his death may be the reason their bloodline fell into slavery at all. At least he's fun to talk to/bother when she's bored) • Birthplace: Dromund Kaas (as a slave) • Job: Former member of the Dark Council, head of the Sphere of Ancient Knowledge / Presently (as of KOTFE) Assassin for the Eternal Alliance • Phobias: Cleithrophobia - the fear of a lack of escape (Triggered by being intentionally locked up or placed in restraints) • Guilty pleasures: Beyond all the Sith related guilty pleasures? Seran is a hedonist. Expensive alcohol, weird and dangerous spice, random acts of gratuitous violence...there's a reason she and Jaesa get along.

M O R A L S

• Morality alignment?: Chaotic Evil. Although she has some methods to her madness, most of the awful things she does are spur-of-the-moment more than they are maliciously planned out. She fell out of Chaotic Neutral as time passed and she got more into her Sith heritage and started killing lots of people. Oopsie? • Sins: lust/greed/gluttony/sloth/pride/envy/wrath; All of the above! Sith, hedonism, and general lack of giving-a-damn are all to blame, but at least she has fun doing it? And it isn't like she does anything (usually) out of anger. It's just because she can. • Virtues: chastity/charity/diligence/humility/kindness/patience/justice; The one thing that she has going for her is that she is kind to those she cares about. She makes threats at them in jest, yes, but she could never actually harm anyone she loves. It's her biggest weakspot as a Sith. (Unless they wrong her, first, in a way that she can't forgive...)

T H I S - O R - T H A T

• Introverted/extrovert; Surprisingly, with all her energy, Seran would prefer being around a few close friends (and enemies) to being out at a crowded cantina. She can enjoy a party now and then but it wears her out quickly--and a worn out Seran is a zappy Seran • Organized/disorganized; This woman is a walking tornado--if it isn't bolted down, it's going to end up strewn somewhere it's not supposed to be. Twovee had a lot of work to do on the ship (and she was very grateful for that!) but nowadays Lana has to bonk her on the head and reminder her to pick shit up • Close-minded/open-minded; Having not grown up with the Sith or Imperial rhetoric shoved down her throat (unlike some) she's not incredibly invested in it. She's never going to be a Jedi or anything but a Sith, but she's fine with people who are. And also with killing them when the mood strikes her. She's nothing if not contradictory. • Calm/anxious; But in a crazy, energetic sort of way--it's hard to make her seriously worried or upset, which is a good thing considering how she gets when she's upset... • Disagreeable/agreeable; Intentionally so. She finds it fun to argue for the sake of arguing or pissing people off. • Cautious/reckless; You have to ask??? • Patient/impatient; Unless she's keeping her brain busy somehow, she gets bored very, very easily and goes to find a better source of entertainment. Unfortunately the "brain busy" thing does extend to stalking a victim, so she's still a very good assassin • Outspoken/reserved; If you do something she doesn't like she will let you know. Loudly. And sometimes with lightning. • Leader/follower; Which...makes some things at the Alliance awkward. Unless she likes somebody, she won't follow their orders, let alone tolerate their existence. Acina was a prime example. • Empathetic/unempathetic; A little weird for a Sith, yeah, but this is one of the few things her mother managed to get into her head before she went to Korriban. It isn't always enough to get her to not kill people (in fact it rarely is) but she's never going to capture or enslave another living being--she always lets them go free, even at a detriment to herself or the Empire • Optimistic/pessimistic; She's a very cheerful murderous Sith! Yes it can be creepy. Yes she intentionally plays it up because of that. • Traditional/modern; HARD modernist. Kark all these Imperial laws, kark the slavery and xenophobia--she's going to change all of this when she's in change. And yes, "when". • Hard-working/lazy; The one thing keeping her from going all out Sith politics and killing her way to the top. If she doesn't enjoy what she's doing, or isn't invested or otherwise entertained, then she doesn't want to do it. Thankfully this involves the mountains of work she knows she'll have to once she's Empress, so she's fine waiting a while to actually pursue that goal

R E L A T I O N S H I P S

• otp: Theron Shan. Yes, at first she was flirting with him because she wanted to "corrupt" the Grand Master's son, but the two of them actually fell in love along the way--which she wasn't ready for in the least. She doesn't think of him any less for being Forceless (why would she? Neither is her mom, or several of her close friends) and loves his terrible terrible sense of humor. He's the only thing that keeps her from doing her more reckless, life-threatening shit. Unfortunately he also gets her into some pretty reckless, life-threatening shit. So it balances itself out. • ot3: Theron Shan and Andronikos Revel. She and Revel were (and are to some extent still [fuck you SWTOR let me have my space polyamory]) together when she first met Theron, and she loves them both a ton. • brotp: Jaesa Willsaam. Seran met her through Xisath (because of the whole "catch and corrupt the Padawan" thing) and once she had fallen, the two became peas in a pod. They agree on nearly everything. The only thing Seran can't stand is watching her and Xisath flirt. That freaks even Seran out. Which is saying a LOT. • notp: Xisath, for the aforementioned horrifying flirting, and Talos Drellik--because as sweet as he is she kind of made him a second dad (after Vector) when he joined the crew. Yes, he's younger than Andronikos. No, she doesn't care about that.

I'm going to throw them for a loop and tag @doctortentacles. Make one for one of your lads, I dare you! >:D

#swtor #swtor oc #world building wednesday #except on a thursday #seran / nox #sith inquisitor #darth nox #and also because they were mentioned:#tenku'lohi #xisath alkane #theron shan #andronikos revel #jaesa willsaam #talos drellik #it's *weird* how young Talos is like he stuck me as closer to Lokin's age but when you meet him he's in his twenties???#that's even younger than revel???#i may not wanna smooch him with seran but why can we romance talos devs????

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withcreamandsugar · 3 years

Text

Chamisul Chapter 3 | Yabuki Nako

word count: ~1,000

category: fluff with a hint of lewd 👀

a/n: as always, links to the wattpad and the previous parts on tumblr!!

It's been 2 months since you met Nako and 1 since you started dating, and it's everything you wished for and more. Food dates became so frequent that the two of you decided to go on gym dates to balance it out. Nako turned out to be quite the mature partner - communication was on point in your relationship, for the most part. On the physical side of things however...

The farthest you've gone with the woman was that kiss you had on the first date. Sure, you held hands, hugged, and cuddled often, but anything beyond that was few and far between. Not that you minded, Nako was perfect just the way she was, sex wasn't everything - at least, that's what you used to justify the lack thereof.

*thwack*

Nako had flung a piece of candy at your forehead. "Hello? Earth to boyfriend?" Nako smiled, bringing you back to reality.

"Sorry, ship malfunction, lost in the galaxy sector known as 'your eyes'. What were you saying?"

"The party tonight? At the Sapphire Club? Listen, I know you hate these kinds of places but I'd really like to introduce you to my other friends." Nako pleaded.

"*cough* Can't... breathe... need oxygen... CPR..." You feigned choking.

Nako giggled, muttering "idiot" under her breath, and planted a peck on your lips. "After we're done eating, let's shop for an outfit for you."

later that night

"How do I look?" You posed in front of Nako and a mirror, flaunting your new look. The two of you decided on a sleek plaid suit jacket look for you, and a matching blazer look for Nako.

"Like... like you're missing something. Close your eyes." You followed instructions, then heard Nako shuffling around you, stepping as if she was straining. You realized what was happening, and sat down for the poor girl. You felt a delicate hand around your neck, then voice saying "open". You look down to see a cute necklace, very much the same as her's. "We got the matching outfits and I thought, why stop there? Don't worry about the price or anything, it was pretty cheap and-"

Touched by the sentiment, you immediately cupped Nako's face with your hands and gave her a passionate kiss. "I love it. I love... you." Nako's eyes widened at your confirmation of love.

"I love you too."

The Sapphire Club, you googled, was "a place of pleasure, passion, and hedonism". That last one wasn't even a "p", you thought to yourself. Nightclubs aren't really your forte, you'd much prefer staying at home and reading a good book. Nevertheless, you steeled your reserve and prepared to leave a good impression for Nako's friends.

The two of you sat down at a table, drinks already in hand, and waited for Nako's friends to arrive. The first one to arrive was a familiar face, one you saw every day at Nako's dorm. Bob cut blonde hair, particularly large... eyes, none other than Kwon Eunbi. "I hope I didn't keep you two lovebirds waiting. I just had an... appointment with my girlfriend." the woman explained as she sat down.

"In the bathroom? I saw you two go before you sat down." Nako asked.

"Hey, you don't see me nosing around your sex life. Do you even know what sex is?" Eunbi joked, although Nako was clearly annoyed. Under the table you placed your hand on Nako's lap, giving her a reassuring look.

The three of you drank, and drank, and drank, playing truth or dare to pass the time.

"Okayy Y/N, truth? Or dare?" Eunbi slurred, almost 6 shots of tequila in.

Sensing a scolding for having picked truth the past 2 rounds, you elected for dare instead.

"Hehehe! Okay Y/N, I dare you to... lick Nako's ear!"

"Eh? Why just my ear?" Nako looked puzzled, as innocent as a young bunny rabbit.

You yourself were 7 shots in, confident from the liquid courage. You leaned into Nako's ear and whispered, "Let me know if I'm doing good."

This sent shivers down the girl's spine, whose face was now flushed, feeling hot and bothered.

You started at the outer edge, slowly licking from bottom to top. Nako's lower half started fidgeting, almost as if to hide something. Your tongue now flicked around the inner part of the ear, each flick making Nako flinch ever so slightly. Her breathing became heavier, shakier. You decided to end the girls torment with a gentle blow to the ear. "Mmf..." Nako bit her lip and stifled a moan. As you leaned back to admire your handiwork, you noticed the sweat forming on Nako's forehead and several buttons undone from her blazer.

"Wow Y/N! They should call you the ear whisperer, you tamed this cute submissive bunny just from her ears!" Eunbi applauded.

Nako nervously giggled, fanning her face and asked "O-okay, who's next?", desperate to take eyes off of herself.

"I think that's you, bunny." You smiled, taking yet another shot as a pat on the back for a job well done.

"Okay... Eunbi-unnie, truth or dare?"

"Truth, just so we could get to the good stuff between you two," Eunbi chuckled as she spoke.

"What did you do with your girlfriend in the bathroom?" Nako inquired.

"You sure? If I tell you you won't have another hands free orgasm? We just messed around in there." Eunbi reached into her purse and pulled out a bullet shaped vibrator. "If edging her and playing with her clit for 30 minutes straight counts as just 'messing around', haha."

Nako, either scared or aroused by the scenario, cleared her throat and moved on. "A-anyways, where is she anyways?"

A figure stumbled from the bathroom, a girl with a light brown bob cut and blazer outfit lurched closer. From afar the woman seemed familiar, but you couldn't put your finger on it. As the woman came within seeing distance, your eyes widened, your systems sobering up as if it was a dire emergency.

"Ryujin?" you asked.

#nako #yabuki nako #izone #izone scenarios #izone fluff #izone smut #izone nako #izone reactions #izone imagines

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bimbosupreme · 2 years

Note

Hey, it's anon again. I've been really moved by your post, thanks to you and pearl-princess who drew the lovely picture! (There's so much depth to both Douman and Limbo. But all my acquiantances see is creepy horny man. They also say they're ugly.) Seeing blogs like yours always cheer me up, knowing that I'm not the only one who's obsessed with this dumb clown (affectionate) <3

Long response under the cut!

You sent this a while back & I still find myself struggling to even phrase the gratitude I feel reading your words. And I don’t want u waiting forever for a response on something u wrote super wholeheartedly so I’m just gonna ad lib a response as is and hope it’s sufficient

Limbo is an obsession of mines thanks to how well written they are and heian kyo kind of cements it, theres sooo much depth, i usually joke “they’re everything at once” and by that I mean a nice guy a bad guy an evil guy a good guy a confident guy an insecure guy. Etc all at the same time, I can’t wait until NA catches up so I can fully read translated heian kyo and lose my mind once I read the events I caught in snippets here and there about douman

AND I MEAN... yeah he’s creepy I will admit because douman kinda goes hand in hand with horror related things and that’s just due to how their nature is lol they’re creepy in how they act and I LOVE that so ur acquaintance aren’t 100% off with that assumption, and his final ascension .... he may be .. yeah I think he’s horny for sure there ... and he’s always screaming about ... honeydew when he’s injured thats a voice line when he’s damaged.,,, um.. there’s also his hedonism passive, that could just be pleasure tho right I don’t wanna say it’s ALL horny stuff but it’s certainly there to a degree lol

THEYRE WRONG ABOUT THE UGLY THO. I THINK HES BEAUTIFUL. The game even calls him beautiful carnivore, musashi trips up when she sees them because they’re HOT, i think ur friends simply refuse to admit it !!! Hmph!!!! I also think maybe they find the clothes and hair off putting but I swear if u dressed him up normal and gave him a normal ass haircut he looks like any other hot big pec anime dude

BUT THE MAIN THING THAT I WAS STRUGGLING TO RESPOND TO WAS YOU SAYING THAT BLOGS LIKE MINES MAKE U HAPPY

Thank you so much! I’ve mentioned this in previous asks to other ppl but it really needs to be reiterated that I’m nothing but extremely pleased to know that me doing my little clown doodles and uploading them can translate into making some strangers happy and *squints & readjusts glasses* you said “cheer you up” oh my that’s a lot of praise I wasn’t ready for uh uh um um that certainly seems like a powerful emotion to generate and a positive one at that, I’m literally sitting here drawing some clowns & u just point at me and go “that’s the shit I’m talking about” while I’m sitting there w my mouth agape & drooling & all my processing power is occupied by douman thoughts —— anyways !!!!!!!!!!! Douman fans are out there anon we out here (Pearl princess is one, general gray is another u can talk to — we often examine every single spoiler on douman with Extreme scrutiny all the time lol, my homie vampireadjacent is a douman fan, there’s a lot and I mean a LOT of douman artists on twitter especially on the jp side) he’s like. Very crazy popular on the jp side of fgo fandom things, I mean hell me & someone tried ordering official douman keychains when they came out and those damn things sold out in less than a day , so it shouldn’t be long until douman gets a figurine at which point I will be ready to trade blood for um I went off a tangent again, anyways anon main thing is thank you for sending such nice words in my direction and at me,

I was explaining to a friend that sometimes I hesitate to post drawings or explore more horror themes with douman and post those but honestly all this, support??? Um I guess the Positive Response I’m getting lately to my drawings regarding douman & horror things is leaving me feeling more confident to keep trying and push the boundaries more lol not that I need approval to post such things but it’s nice knowing “it’s ok” and now I have the knowledge that it “cheers someone up” like what do I even say to that goddamn that’s cool I can be that person for u, feeling honored over here teehee

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

This response was much longer than intended anon & I apologize for that but yeah I can’t believe a fucking mobile game character got me acting up and none of my fgo friends understand and I have to be like well u gotta play this dog shit mobile game and read all of doumans lines and ,,, ok another tangent lol let me stop anyways anon thank you I’m eternally grateful and ur words are gonna stick w me And I’ll use them as reference for when I feel bad to be like damn I cheered them up that one time whewwww 😭💖🥰😳

#asks #anon #shout outs to Pearl princess for drawing such a nice thing unprompted too wahhhgggg #also anon I listed to one of those utau videos he sounds WEIRD lol #still love him still love him

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