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be-ready-when-i-say-go · 4 years

Text

Study Sessions

Calum’s always wanted to go back to school and it’s the first midterm that makes him realize just how long it’s been since he’s been in a class. Thankfully, Noa’s nice, albeit a little too organized, and more than happy to help.

Who asked for a 21 page long fic about Calum, Valentine’s Day, smut, and poetry? Bc I got one hot off the presses.

There is 18+ content in this fic. Please, no one under the age of 18 interacting or reading. Thank you!

You can support me on ko-fi. I’m saving up for graduate school.

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Noa really wants to kick herself. She always left her pencil pouch in the front zipper of her backpack. Everything had a system; everything had a place with Noa. The placement of the full-length mirror in the corner of the dorm room, the cleaning supplies, the rotation of who cleaned what, making sure her books were always in the same spot, and always, always putting the pencil pouch in the front zipper of her backpack was important to Noa. She was sure it drove her roommate up the wall in their dorm room. But Brooklyn, Noa’s roommate, could be just as anal retentive about the trash and boxes from their addictive online shopping, and keeping the room free other people past 11 pm. Their crazies matched. So things worked out well.

Maybe Noa was panicking a little too much about a pencil pouch. That didn’t really matter though. Her system was out of whack and she would have to backtrack to the science building on the other side of campus before making a loop and going to the library after class. Her printer refused to print properly and while it was annoying having to go to the library at the end of the day to type up and print out her notes to study later, it made catching group dinner with her friends easier on Thursday’s because she didn’t leave the west side of campus to go to her dorm. This did, however, mean that when Noa was going to get a lot more steps in today. Not bad, but not ideal.

This also means that she’s going to have to use a laptop. She hated using her laptop because it meant she’d have to rewrite her notes so there were no gaps in her notebook. Noa could see that it was a very contrived system--at the end of the day, all she needed were the notes. That’s it. But it mattered to the deep recesses of her mind. It had to flow from handwritten notes to her laptop, no matter how she had to backtrack

“Here, I have an extra.”

Noa blinks at the hushed voice. A black pen slides in next to her open notebook. The hand is tan and tattooed. She knows those initials anywhere. Calum. She smiles and looks up to him, even if the shadows cover his face thanks to the bucket hat. It’s a staple she’s noticed over the course of the semester. “Thanks. Promise I won’t steal it,” Noa grins.

Calum exhales his laughter. “I’d be a little upset but they are really good pens to write with. So I’d understand.”

“I’m a woman of my word, though. So you won’t have to chase me down.” Noa dates the top right corner of her blank page and then pulls out her book. She hates the book. She wasn’t able to get a copy to rent and had to kick out 50 bucks for the anthology for class, one she never really use again either.

Calum gives a hum in response, his own pen twirling around his fingers. The professor, a man in his late sixties at the youngest, with thinning white hair and thick circular glasses walks in through the doors. There’s still five minutes before class starts and the chatter amongst students quiets just a little but doesn’t stop. Calum looks to her notebook, the way she’s written the poet’s name at the top of the page, her handwriting is tight together with a lot of width for each letter. It’s pretty with a little mess to it.

He’s noticed that she normally uses purple ink for her notes and part of him feels bad for not having a purple pen for her. “Sorry it’s not a purple pen,” Calum states turning to face her.

How the hell did Calum notice that? Sure she had a color for every class she took each semester. But surely no one else would’ve noticed that. It had only been three weeks of the semester. No one could’ve known that besides her group of friends and her roommate. “No, no, it’s okay. I forgot my pencil pouch in my last class so you really saved me from having to use my laptop.”

“Don’t like it?”

Noa shakes her head, feeling some of her Senegalese twists falling from the bun she put it up into on her walk across campus. Though this part of campus was walkable the heat of summer was dry and it took no prisoners some days. “I remember everything better if I write it down in my own words instead of just typing everything down the professor says. It’s like I’m not learning anything.”

He gives another nod. Though Calum studied for his high school diploma on some late nights, on tour buses, hell even in the studio, he liked sitting in class. He liked processing things and attempting to get the right words together to understand the core of things. He liked the sense of normalcy. It was nice to be learning not just from a textbook but from everyone else in the room. Sure this is just a poetry class, and sure he hadn’t really known what to expect with a title like “Modern Poetry from 1920” but he was straddled in and was surely going to see until the very end.

Before Calum can respond, the professor clears their throat. He fishes his book out of his bag too and flips to the poems that he read the night before. “Hope everyone’s having a great day,” the professor starts. Even from the fifth row of the tiny room, Calum notices the shakes in the older man’s hands. The room is full of three to four gray rectangular tables pushed together to create rows. They sit two at each table comfortably. Each row sits about forty students comfortably.

“A quick reminder, your first midterm is next week. All the poets we’ve discussed including today’s poet is going to be material that I will pull questions from. I’ll be providing the excerpts if a question calls for it. I’m saving about ten minutes at the end of class for us to discuss it more in-depth.”

With a quick dab to the corners of his mouth, he finds a volunteer to read the first poem up for discussion. Once the first reading is concluded, the professor looks around for another person to read. Noa lifts her gaze and she locks eyes with the professor. A fucking rookie mistake. Something she knew better of in her eighteen years of being in school. But here she is making it. They smile at her and point at her. “Miss Noa, right? Why don’t you read for us?”

With a nervous habit of biting her pens, Noa puts Calum’s pen down and picks at her nails underneath the table. She nods and lets her eyes drift down to the page. “When over the flowery, sharp pasture’s/ edge, unseen, the salt ocean/lifts its form.” Her voice is a little shaky and though William Carlos Williams's poem is short, she becomes more confident by the end.

Calum watches her reading more than he listens. In the three weeks classes have started, she’s never read. Neither has he. But it’s already a little awkward to walk around campus, being in a classroom isn’t too bad but it’s a confined space. He knows people are looking. He knows that they know who he is. He does what he can do just blend in and even hide. He likes listening to her reading. Her insights in class have always kind of blown Calum away too, now that he thinks about it.

As discussion opens up, Calum finds himself taking fewer notes than usual and waiting for Noa to speak again. She doesn’t say much about the first poem but the second about the death of a cat she cuts in to make reference to Robert Frost’s poem. “I know there’s a literal connection of fire and ice in each poem but there’s death in both pieces too. Frost and Williams’ are on opposite ends of the same spectrum in a way. Williams is talking about fleas that couldn’t escape death and Frost mentions that nature is powerful that if it doesn’t take you with the sweeping fire then it will swallow you up with water. Williams's titled his piece, ‘Complete Destruction,’ and he details the destruction of a pet, of maybe even memories. While Frost is more metaphorical with some religious undertones too about the destruction of society and earth.”

Calum grins a little, watching the way she shrugs at the end of her thought. As much as if she weren’t so sure of herself. When she glances over to him, he nods at her, writing down a condensed version of her thought. The class goes on and the professor ends early like they stated. There are a few questions about the style of the midterm but not too many about the content. So the professor pulls up a small canvas bag. “Before you leave, feel free to grab a piece of candy. I know it’s Valentine’s Day and you guys may or may not still have classes after this. So I hope it helps your day just a little. I have chocolate and non-chocolate options.”

He upturns the bag gently, shaking the wrapped candies onto the table next to the podium. Laptops are shut, people get up to venture to the candy. Noa slides the black pen across the gray table to Calum. “Thanks.”

“No problem.”

Without much thinking, in the shuffle of packing up belongings, Noa lets what she intends to be just a thought fall over her lips. “I haven’t had a Valentine’s in so long, candy from a professor feels special,” she jokes.

Calum laughs a little, pocketing the pens and stands. “What’s your poison?”

Noa looks up at him, the cut of his jaw and the soft smile on his lips, puffing out his cheeks. “I’m a dark chocolate fan. But anything chocolate is fine.”

He nods and shuffles, backpack thrown up over one shoulder. Calum gets to the table and picks up what he estimates to be the two biggest Hershey's kisses on the table. He picks up one for himself too. Noa finally gets her backpack zipped and she slides out from between the tables. Calum drops the kisses into her hands when she pauses at the door to the classroom. “Happy Valentine’s Day.”

Her heart shouldn’t flutter like it does when Calum smiles at her. She pulls the twists down and slips the silk tie around her wrist. “I’m sure you’ve got someone to get too. But thanks, though.”

Calum pushes open the door to the English building and holds it open for her. “See that’s where you might be a little wrong on your analysis.”

Noa scuffs, attempting to bite back the smile. The kiss doesn’t last long before she’s biting into the candy. She shakes her head. The joke is cheesy but she’ll be damned if she doesn’t like it. “I won’t be won over by academic pickup lines.”

They pause at the end of the pathway that leads up to the building. Students are carrying on around them, to and fro they scuttle across the asphalt and brick. “Do you have another class after this?” Calum asks.

“No, it’s my last one of the day.”

“Since we’re both lonely on Valentine’s Day, do you mind if we study together? For the midterm? It would really seal our fates.”

Noa nods. Who is she to say no to Calum Hood? She could say no of course and it’s as the breeze kicks up another heavy and slightly stale pocket of hot air that she’s reminded of her misplaced pencil pouch. “Shit, I have to go to the science building. I left my pencil pouch there. I have no clue if there’s another class in there and like I need that.”

“I-I can walk with you. If you’d like. I don’t get to see much of the campus.” Calum keeps his schedule to Monday, Wednesday, Friday. He’s here from about eleven to four most days and then he heads back home. Hanging around campus would only serve to get Calum caught but he knows it might be awkward to offer his place to study.

“Are you sure? It’s kind of far and I’m not a slow walker.”

Readjusting his hold on his strap, Calum nods. “Lead the way.”

Noa ties her hair back. “Less scenic route to get there. More scenic route on the way back.” When she steps, it’s more like a run. Noa cuts straight across, over the grass and dodging the bushes. Calum wasn’t sure what he was expecting but her power walking like his mother when they go to the grocery store wasn’t it. He keeps up though, regrettably passing by the dogs playing fetch without cooing at them.

They cut behind buildings. A less-traveled path Calum can tell but it’s well known amongst though that have to use it to get to and from classes. He watches the others power walking past him and he’s glad he was able to keep most of his classes in buildings close together. Though parking was terrible and required him parking sometimes a block away, it was better than this walk, especially on the short time they had between classes.

His thighs start to burn just a little when they reach the towering brick building. It looks almost like every other building on campus, minus the sign hammered into the ground--it’s the only thing that denotes its uniqueness. Noa takes the front stairs two at a time. “Holy shit, how do you do this every other day and still live?” he huffs once they enter. The lights are bright against the sterile white tiles and marble. Another marker, he notes, the older buildings on campus have dimmer light, less white. This has a more modern feel to it.

“I don’t. I die about three minutes into the walk.”

He’s laughter leaves him in bursts, as he attempts to get his breathing back. Thankfully she stays on the first floor. Any more stairs and Calum’s sure he would’ve just opted to wait at the doors for her. The room she stops at does have some students piling in but she doesn’t stop for too long. When Noa ducks her head inside, she notices her pencil pouch sitting on a folding chair at the back of the lecture hall. Not where she left it. But she’s glad she doesn’t have to go sifting through some three hundred seats in the classroom.

She’s quick to grab it. She can feel the eyes of the other students looking at her. Because she doesn’t raise a ruckus, the stares don’t last long and she closes the door quietly behind her. “You all good?” Calum asks.

She holds the black pouch with roses up and grins. “All good. I just hope I didn’t kill you with that trek.”

He watches her slip into the front pocket. “I mean, I died about two minutes into it. But I’m okay now.”

Noa sucks on her teeth, a tsk falling over her lips. “Gotta keep at it. You’ll be a pro at it in no time. Is the library cool? Doubling seal our fates?”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

The walk back is less intense. They take the asphalt paths and go the long way around in front of buildings. They stop for a moment to just watch the dogs running on the green. They loop back around to the English building and continue on down past it. “So are you getting a degree or auditing classes?” Noa asks.

“Auditing. I thought about going back full time but it works better for me to just audit them. The whole getting grading thing still kind of gets to me.” Calum likes to fulfill his curiosity. He just didn’t want the fear of failing to hinder him. And while he had loaded his schedule at nine credits, which was only three classes, it was more than enough. He was tempted to drop one of his classes and though Calum wasn’t super fond of the intro to psychology class, he wanted to tough it out. Prove to himself that he didn’t have to avoid the obstacle but could instead tackle it head-on.

Noa gives a hum. “Gives you time to still work on music?”

“Yeah.” He isn’t shocked that she knows. He is glad though that she doesn’t treat him differently. That she hasn’t made a huge deal of his fame. He wishes he could cloak that, at least here at school. “What about you? What are you studying?”

“I was Community Health Sciences. I switched to Public Affairs last year. So I have another semester tacked.”

The trek to the library feels somehow too short and too long at the same time. Calum’s sure it’s his thighs still angry at the stairs to get inside the science building. He learns she has an older brother and that’s she the first one in her family to go to college. She worries about the extra semester and the finances but her parents have encouraged her to keep going. Noa finds out that Calum has a dog and if he had to pick something to study it would probably be in English. He could see himself in Religious Studies. Calum’s not sure though and he’s glad he doesn’t have to be sure. He can just take whatever for the moment.

Inside the library, Noa goes to make a beeline for the open computers and then stops. “We can book a study room? I’m not sure if you just want to be, like out in the open?”

Calum looks around. It’s nearing about 5 in the evening. No one is really in the library. Most people have plans. There’s no reason to sit inside the library on Valentine’s Day when one can drink in sorrows or be out celebrating. “Whichever you prefer.”

“Let’s just get a room. I doubt anyone’s going to be hanging out here on a day like this. But I doubt you’ll be back here at all. So why not go for the full experience? The only thing you're missing is final’s week and hunkering down in a study room where you pull an all-nighter and show up to your class in your pj’s and with your pillow in your backpack.”

He doesn’t want to believe that actually happens. But she says it so matter of factly. “You’re kidding right?”

“I am speaking from experience.” She walks one of the open computers and pulls out her laptop. She logs into both of them and then pulls up the scheduling system for the various study rooms located throughout the library. “We can only technically schedule in thirty-minute blocks for up to two hours. But there’s a trick around that.”

Calum logs in as he’s instructed to do on her laptop and they agree on a room. She books it, for every hour and when the blocks show up gray for Calum on his refresh, he goes in and books it for every half hour so that they have the room from 5 to 8. “So the library has pretty strict rules about noise. Generally, the higher the level you are the quieter you have to be. The second floor is as far as I go. You can talk inside the study rooms but nothing super chatty unlike the ground floor,” Noa explains on their ascent. “I have my notes from the other classes printed out. And I was going to type up the notes from today before working on a study guide. How does that sound?”

“Anything sounds good right about now because I literally have no clue how I’m supposed to study for this at all.”

Noa grins, cracking open the door to their room. It’s tucked towards the back of the floor, in a corner. It’s behind the bathrooms and not too far from the stairs so it’s not hard to navigate to and from for bathroom or snacks located in the vending machines on the first floor. “Trust me that’s my entire college experience. You kind of figure out what works best for you as you go along.”

The room isn’t big by any means. The white table sits in the middle of it with two trash cans near the door and a whiteboard that holds the left behind lettering of study sessions past is the complete setup, not including the four chairs pushed into the conference length table. Noa drops her bag into a chair and finds her pencil pouch, she pulls out a couple dry erase markers and an eraser in a plastic bag.

“Do you want to write down the different poets we’ve studied on the board? Start there at the very least.”

Calum, putting his bag down in the free chair, nods. It’s when he glances down at his phone just to check the time that he worries for a moment that he should get home to Duke but after shooting a quick text to his roommate he confirms that someone is there to take him out and feed him. Noa opens up her laptop, notebook and pulls the textbook out too from the depths of her backpack.

Calum’s handwriting is mostly uppercase and narrow. But it’s mostly neat. The markers thankfully don’t squeak on the board. He draws columns for each poet, thinking that will at least help contain the guaranteed mess of ideas during this window. He even goes a step further and creates squares for each poem, scribbling down the titles into corners

The room’s not even that hot, while Calum browsing through his notes. Noa’s been typing for a while since he finished setting up the drawing board. But suddenly from the walk around his jacket is too warm. He knew he shouldn’t have worn it but out of some sort of habit, out of routine, Calum snagged the extra layer and now he was regretting it. It’s like his body finally caught up and he slips out of it.

“I thought we were studying, not getting a show,” Noa teases. The thought slips through her lips with a grin. She’ll admit that she does find Calum attractive. Most times he didn’t really flaunt his body or even his status in class and that made him even more attractive. But she didn’t think she’d ever have a shot. She didn’t really think she had one now all things considered but he was the one that asked her for help. But he had started it and she was just going to see if it would continue.

Calum feels the heat immediately flooding his cheeks. “It’s just warm, is all.”

“Kidding, sorry.” Her gaze flicks up from her screen. Her fingers are still going, the taps echoing amongst the silence of their room.

Calum recognizes that gaze, the smirk that tells him she is joking, but she is also not joking if he’s willing to take that step. Calum goes back to his laptop, he’s on nothing right now just staring at a blank google doc. But he makes the initiative to break the tension and ask her what her school email was. “We can just use a Google doc to make things easier.”

As she rattles it off, Calum adds her. Maybe Noa completely misread this. Maybe he really only wanted to help to study. It definitely was a hit to her pride. She almost felt like a deflated balloon as she typed down the last bullet point in her notes. “I’m going to print these out. I’ll be right back.”

Calum nods, watching her leave with her laptop in hand. His brows knit together. She sounded hurt and Calum feels like he could absolutely kick himself. Of course, he found Noa attractive. He would’ve made a move and even though he wasn’t technically getting a grade for this midterm he wanted to at least feel confident going into. God, he was an idiot. Even after all the partying, and all the girls before, Calum still finds a way to fuck something up--even innocent flirty.

Standing at the printer, Noa exhales. Just a hit to her pride, a hard hit too. But she wouldn’t chicken out. That’s for sure. She’d march back up there and she’d see this study session through. She could do that much. Maybe she could convince the girl to her left to switch seats come Monday. That way at the very least she wouldn’t feel awful going to class. She couldn’t drop the class now--not without a Withdraw showing up on her record. Professors weren’t too keen on adding students this late into the semester. Withdrawing, would thankfully, not hurt her graduation credit hours.

She almost wants to laugh. Just because some guy rejected her does not mean she had to drop a class. All she had to do was keep a level head about all of this. Even though asking to switch seats would be blasphemous, she still enjoyed the class. It was one of the few classes she could take each semester that were just for fun. She would not give that up just because Calum turned her down. As the last of the pages spits out from the printer, she grabs her stack. All she has to do is go over the notes. They don’t even have to stay in the room until 8.

The stairwell is stuffy as she ascends back to the second floor. She’s always hated them in the summer, the way the air clung to the sweat and humidity of the temperatures outside. Noa wasn’t sure who designed it but it was only ever the library stairs that felt so awful in the summer and even the early fall. She can see Calum with his head in his hands from the glass walls that separate open library from the study room. For half a second, she wonders if something is wrong--like with his dog. If that were the case, he could’ve just left.

“You alright?” she asks opening the door.

Calum, not even hearing the door, pops his head up. His heart thunders in his chest. He was wallowing in his own misery a little too deeply. “Yeah-yeah, I’m good.”

With a nod, Noa pulls at the silk tie around her twist and stares up at the quadrants on the whiteboard. “So the best place to start studying is just as the beginning of the coursework. Lame I know. But professors usually start there for a reason.”

There goes his window. Gone all within two minutes to print notes. He nods and flips to the starting poet. “So we have Frost,” Calum starts, the blue dry erase marker semi firmly gripped between his fingers.

“Start with basics. The year he was born, maybe what his life was like, his most famous works.”

Calum spins his chair to face the whiteboard, attempting to recall some of the biography from memory. It’s when the lulls hit that Noa steps in. He hears the table creak but he doesn’t turn. He can almost feel her leaning into it. He can see just how the tops of her exposed thighs, not dared to be hidden by her denim shorts, would squeeze and smush against the end of the table. The weather is still warm. It’s still perfect weather for shorts and skirts.

He turns his attention back to the task at hand though, listening to Noa speak behind him. “I’ve had this professor before. He’s a kind of lenient grader. But he wants to make sure you can back your shit up with context from the poem. You can’t say someone’s trying to talk about rainbows in their poem when they’re clearly allusions to chickens.”

Calum snorts at her point but nods. “Understood. Now this is going to sound dumb--”

Noa’s quick to cut him off. “No such thing as dumb questions.”

Calum turns, seeing her leaning on her hands on the table. One knee is resting on the chair she once sat. Her gaze is stuck on the whiteboard. For a brief second, Calum lets his gaze fall. The jade green of her top nestled against her dark skin and the way her breasts are almost threatening to spill over the flimsy material almost makes Calum forget his question. She was not wearing that before. She wore a white shirt, tied in the front. There was something green underneath it--he knows that. He clears his throat. “I assume you don’t mean illusions like magic tricks and I’m a little confused.”

Noa finally brings her gaze back down, pushing back upright realizing the position she’s in. “Allusions, they’re like indirect references. So you’re talking about a thing without actually stating what it is.” She picks up a different colored marker and writes the word down in the corner of the whiteboard not holding any information.

Calum watches the way her undershirt rises a little as she stretches up to write but flicks his gaze to the floor. “Think he’ll ask about those on the midterm?”

“He could,” she says and then leans against the table again. Calum stands. She’s too close and he’s at a bad angle to keep his focus on the material at hand.

Facing the spread of her notes, their laptops, and textbooks, Calum looks out over the sea without really seeing any of the details. He wants to make a move that shows he’s interested without it being too subtle or too brazen. Resting his weight onto his palms, he shakes the thought from his head. It’s probably too late now. “So, like, for example, a question could be what are allusions in whatever poem of his choice?”

“Yeah, but he’ll probably ask something more like compare and contrast.” Calum nods. He definitely feels a bit better about going into this exam than he did before. But he still feels like an idiot with Noa.

Noa turns her head just a little. Not a lot. Just enough to see the bucket hat still on his head and the way his face is almost entirely hidden. She knows though. She knows the cut of his jaw and the way his lips are a little chapped but mostly plump. As she stares at him, she does feel the urge to apologize. At least just to let him know that she didn’t mean to cross any lines and that she hopes there are no hard feelings. She can feel her heart thumping in her throat as she gently rests a hand on his shoulder.

“Sorry about earlier,” she whispers. His head never raises and she drops her touch before going back to the whiteboard. “That was a poor taste joke.”

Calum’s breath hitches. It catches right on his inhale and he nearly chokes on it. “You don’t have to apologize.” His voice is soft, so much so that she barely catches it before turning to grab her phone to take a picture of their notes on the board.

“What?” She’s not believing her own ears. “I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. I thought--I was sure I had crossed a line.”

“No, it didn’t make me uncomfortable.” His gaze is soft when it lands on her. Her brows are pulled together and he has to stop his hand from raising to smooth them over with his thumb. He feels the twitch, the pull to take her hand and he lets himself to that. Just gently brushing his fingers over her hand pressed into the table next to his.

“But-what?” She could’ve sworn the way he diverted the topic was a sign that she was pressing her luck.

“Really, I didn’t mind. I don’t mind.”

Noa shakes her head, the twist slipping over her shoulder a little. “I know I’m not a math major but this isn’t adding up.”

Calum really can’t tear his gaze away from her lips. They glisten a little, dark brown and a hint of pink from the saliva on her tongue as she licks them. It’s really lame, he thinks, that he’s this hesitant to make a move on her. But she hasn’t pulled away from him just yet so that must mean something. Maybe he could show her what he meant. “Is-Is it okay if I kiss you?”

Fuck. Oh fuck. Noa nods, she’s sure her eyes are blown wide. She’s not sure however that she’s breathing properly until the whisper of “Yes” falls from her lips. They inch closer together. Like stuttering traffic that stops and starts and soon there’s no more space to be hesitant. Their lips brush, slightly parted too. He can smell the chocolate she had earlier and it’s so sweet in his nose. Before the first kiss truly ends Calum reaches for her waist, turning her into him. He leans into the table, his back facing the door, and she leans into him.

Her arms loop around his neck, nails trailing at the edge of his t-shirt and his neck. It sends a shiver down his spine when her nails scratch at his skin. Calum encases her waist with his arms, pulling her into him. Her kiss tastes like the Hershey kiss and her skin is so soft beneath his fingers. When he breathes in, his nostrils are lined with the smell of coconut. An intoxicating scent if he’s going to associate it with her at all.

The sounds of their kisses, lips meeting and pulling apart before meeting again echo slightly around the room. She reaches up, pulling away from his lips just a little. Calum stretches out for her though, capturing her bottom lip between his teeth. She laughs, mostly from her chest before she gives in and recaptures his lips.

His cologne isn’t too strong. It’s got a hint of musky to it with some more floral overtones and Noa thinks she has to figure out the exact scent because she would love to just bathe in it. She doesn’t stop her previous movements though and pulls the hat up. Calum ducks his face into her shoulder and chest.

She didn’t expect a buzz cut but it looks good and she runs her hands over the back of his head. “Can’t kiss you if your face is buried in my shoulder.”

“But I can kiss you,” he counters, gently capturing the juncture of her neck and shoulder between his lips. The touch is so feather-light, almost as if her skin were made of glass. But it makes her hot and her heart strums steadily in her chest. It’s almost sad how the softest touch is turning her own. She’s glad for the moment Calum can’t see what effect this is having on her. It’s shameful how wet her underwear is.

Noa lets her head go as Calum kisses across her throat too, his tongue trails after the places his lips have touched first. Her hair brushes over Calum’s fingers, as they start to travel down to her ass, cupping her over the denim shorts. They hardly do much to stop the imagination from running wild. His fingertips run across her skin, digging into the crevice between the line of her ass and the tops of her thighs.

A moan escapes her. Noa doesn’t even feel the shame anymore. Not as her hand reaches between their bodies and trails up his chest. She cups his throat and pushes him up. His grin is lazy on his face, eyes heavy with lust. “So I see you really didn’t mind.”

“Not at all.” The vibrations of his voice tickle her palm but she doesn’t drop the hold and Calum doesn’t duck away from it. Would Noa let herself go? She could attempt to bring Calum back to her dorm though she’s not sure if Brooklyn is in the room. If so, that’s definitely an awkward shuffle to text Brooklyn and then walk all the way back to her room.

She drops her hand from his throat, before running it up under his shirt. He tenses for a moment at her touch but grins. Noa decides not to think too much about where things go and where they wind up at the moment. Instead, she kisses at his neck, running her tongue over his adam’s apple. Calum has to bite his lip just a little to keep the groan from escaping him so loudly. He knows she knows just what she’s doing as her nail scratch at his lower abdomen right along the band of his boxer briefs.

“I have another question,” Calum asks, a soft sigh escaping his lips when she kisses up to his ear.

“Which is?”

“I can only assume we’re not studying poetry anymore. But I just want to make sure it’s okay if I study your anatomy?”

Noa snorts, her laughter shaking her shoulders as she presses her face into Calum’s chest. “I told you I wouldn’t be won over by academic pick up lines but I’ll be damned if you don’t keep trying.”

“They seemed to work,” Calum takes the sides of her face into his hands. There’s still a grin on her face when she lets him pull her upwards a little. “Is that a yes though in all seriousness?”

“That’s a yes,” she sighs, enjoying the slight roughness at the tips of his fingers as he brushes them over her cheeks.

“How likely are we to get caught in here?”

“If we don’t make too much noise, pretty low. I mean, who else is coming to the library on Valentine’s Day?”

Calum presses her in close before pushing up with his hips and spinning them around. He clears away a spot before hoisting her to the table. “I must admit, I like the sounds of those odds.”

Calum stands between her legs. She spies a set of chains around his neck and pulls them out, gently holding the gold and silver chains in her palms. She’s not sure what they mean, the symbols on the black enamel or the gold plate but they look good hanging around his chest. “Sentimental?”

Calum runs his fingers over the strip of skin just under the edge of her green tank top and the top of her shorts. “Yeah.”

The subject is dropped rather quickly and she kisses the underside of his jaw. Her fingers find the hem of Calum’s t-shirt. He pulls the black tee up without much thought and she lets her hands wander of the expanse of his chest. She lingers at his tattoos. She doesn’t question those either. Just admires them and the way the black ink stands out on his golden skin. There’s a moment, in the back of her mind, that she’s acutely aware of how much darker she is compared to him. It's a thing she’s always been aware of for sure, it’s a general fact about herself that is generally inescapable. But she’s not sure why it matters now.

Calum can see her mind wandering and he tips her chin. “You can always say no. It’s okay.” He doesn’t want her to feel pressured. It won’t hurt him at all if she backs out of this. He’d rather her protect herself than worry about him.

“It’s just--a thing, a small thing. Nothing to do about this.”

“You sure?”

Noa nods, flicking her twists over her shoulder. Calum raises an eyebrow at her, a silent question. “I’m very sure,” she says, tugging at the band of his pants.

There’s a soft chuckle he gives and nods, satisfied with her answer. “I was going to break out another taboo pickup line.”

Noa gets a grip around his neck and brings him down. Her kiss is soft and slow before she pulls back just a little. Their lips brush as she speaks. “As much as I hate those, they are effective. So I hate that fact a little more.”

Calum dares to bring his hands down, under the shorts and underwear. What he finds makes him groan into her lips. She’s dripping onto his fingers. “Very effective,” he whispers, teasing her heat with his fingers as he collects just a little taste of her onto his fingers. She watches through slightly hooded eyes as Calum licks his fingers. “God,” he huffs.

He goes back to get yank the shorts and panties. She pushes herself up to assist and Calum wastes no time slipping down to his knees. Noa reclines back, hands pressing down into the table and the edge of a notebook. Calum takes a generous lick from her. She’s sweet on his tongue and all he wants is to drown in the arousal she drips.

Noa shudders at the first touch and she’s glad she’s facing the whiteboard and not the window because the look on her face, of pleasure and also desperation is a sight for sore eyes. It’s been a long time since she’s been with anyone. Her breakup sophomore year kind of scorned her. She’s had the offers at parties or even out at bars, but never took them. Right now, the way she’s responding to Calum should be embarrassing but it’s the last thought on her mind.

All Noa wants and can think about is how Calum’s tongue flicks against her clit, the way his lips wrap around it to give it a gentle suck before planting a kiss. “Shit,” she heaves, trying to keep from being too loud. It’s not lost on her that too much noise will get them caught. But god is her rock shaking at the feeling of Calum’s tongue working at her. It’s going to be the end of her, she thinks, staring up at the ceiling attempting to keep her breathing under control.

Calum feels her thighs starting to shake and he throws them over his shoulder. She falls deeper into her recline. Every lewd slurp echoes. The first finger into her is all too easy to get inside and he works the second one in while teasing her clit with his tongue. It’s a moment, with a breathy instruction of “Back and up,” before he’s brushing over her g-spot. Her vision spots for a moment and she presses her lips together to swallow down her own moan.

“Fuck,” she whines when Calum sucks at her clit. The knot in her stomach grows, she can feel the heat radiating from the top of her head to her toes. She’s going to make a mess. She can feel it bubbling in her lower stomach but she can’t find the words to warn him as she works to keep her cries in her chest.

It’s evident though when she finds the edge and falls over it. Her legs close in around Calum’s head. He works her through the orgasm, gentle licks. Calum kisses over her inner thighs before pulling his fingers from her. She’s spent above him, panting. But she stops him-- a hand tight around his wrist and brings his fingers to her mouth.

“You wouldn’t?”

Noa says nothing before licking her own arousal from his fingers. Calum shouldn’t be so turned on by her tasting herself but he swears he could nearly come from just the way she hums around his digits. It makes him wonder for a moment what else she can do with that tongue. She grins when she releases his fingers from her mouth with a lewd pop. “I would.”

Calum stays on his knees, watching carefully as she slips off the table and back into her underwear and shorts. She taps at the chair. “Take a seat.”

He pushes up and into the chair. “You really could’ve just left those off.”

Noa bites her lip at the thought. “Even though I’m young, I’m not dumb. I never re-upped on condoms in my backpack and unless you have some. I think you’ll be pleased with my compromise.”

Calum mimes zipping his lips shut and tossing away the key. He nearly forgot about that and that’s not a risk he wants to take either. No matter much the idea seems tempting he knows that the potential consequences are not worth it. Noa doesn’t waste any time, to tie her hair back or get Calum’s pants and underwear down either. She’s not really sure what she expected but he’s more than he lets on and her mouth drools at the thought.

She kisses his tip, the tip leaking just a little. Calum sighs, dropping his head back on his neck. He doesn’t really want her to tease him like this. But it does feel good. How gentle she’s being. The way she’s slow to coat him with her saliva. He exhales harshly when he slips into her mouth and when she doesn’t stop but continues on Calum groans. “Fucking hell.” It’s as if she could just swallow him whole and her mouth is so warm too.

Noa hums a little at the taste and weight of him. She looks at through her lashes and keeps her eyes nice and big, playing innocent at the way Calum huffs above her. He blinks his eyes just enough to see her batting her lashes and he’s so tempted again to pull out of her mouth and just fuck her right here. He’s sure her pussy is just as good as her mouth, if not better. Another moan is crawling up his chest and Calum inhales to keep it from falling over his lips. She pulls back from him, swirling her tongue just around the top. Her fist pumps at him. Calum knows he won’t last. His head is starting to float and he’s reaching out for anything and everything to keep ground.

He finds Noa instead, the very thing lifting his consciousness from his body. But it’s all he has to attempt to ground him. Calum lets one choked moan fall over his lips. “God,” he heaves like he’s been underwater for too long and is getting the first gulps of air again. His eyes screw up as she takes him back down and bobs her head along his length. The sounds of her slurping up her excess saliva are a little loud but he prays that they don’t echo too much before he cums.

That’s all he wants. Just release. That bliss of orgasm. His toes are curling and he’s holding a little tighter to Noa he knows. But he can’t help it. His hips raise up from the seat, bucking into her and she has to readjust her angle to keep him down. But Calum’s so fucking close. He can feel it. His thighs are tensing and he’s nearly in tears with how badly he desires to cum. She’s toying with him, speeding up to build up that pressure--that need, but slowing down just enough to keep it far enough away.

“Oh, please, please,” he begs. There is definitely a prickle of tears. Noa knows she’s playing with fire but she pulls back one last time, watching the way his jaw tense and he hisses, the air sucked in between his teeth. “I wasn’t-I wasn't this mean to you.”

Noa winks at him. Calum knows he’s going to have to do something to wipe that smirk off her face somehow. “Wanted to see how much you could take.” She says nothing else and finally takes him back into her mouth, hand and mouth pumping at him. He goes barreling towards his orgasm. He halfway expects her to pull away again when he finds his hips bucking again but she doesn’t. Calum holds her head tight and pours down the back of her throat.

Noa brings him over the edge and she’s gentle, slightly suckling to get down every drop. When she finally brings her head away, she does leave a small kiss. The air is thick and Calum exhales, attempting to bring his vision back into focus. He nearly has to make sure that it’s actually his soul that comes back to him. Noa hands him a tissue and then excuses herself for just a moment to the restroom.

When she returns, the table is clearned for the most part. Her books are neatly stacked and her laptop is sitting on top of the sleeve. The dry erase markers and erasers sit at the top of her pile too. Calum is dressed again, leaning against the table with the bucket hat back on his head. He watches her open the door with a tiny smile. The whiteboard’s been erased too. “Did you get a picture of the--” Calum nods before she finishes the full question.

She’s not sure if she should move from the spot at the door but Calum’s gaze is intense so she waits. “I’m not going to bite unless you ask for it,” he grins. “How far away do you stay from here?”

“I live on campus actually. It’s like a fifteen minute walk to the other side.”

“I’m parked not too far from the English building. How about a ride and a round two?”

“For studying poetry or anatomy?” There’s no hiding her grin as she asks the question.

Calum’s impressed at the wit. “I would say, after what I’ve seen and tasted today, I would call it poetry.”

She has to cast her gaze down. Because if not, she’s going to explode at delivery of the compliment. “Just don’t make any joke about tasting desire twice or I might nickname you Frost and I don’t think you’d appreciate that.”

Calum laughs and reaches out a hand. She takes it, stepping into him. She gazes up, the shadow of the bucket hat making the moment seem more private. “I think that’s a risk I’m willing to take.”

“Of course you are.”

The ride over is nerve wrecking. But the gentle pressure of Calum’s hand on her thigh keeps her just enough on the string that it doesn’t matter. Brooklyn agrees to give her the room until 10. It’s a little after six currently. Plenty of time but still. It’s not fun being sexiled. Noa makes a mental note to grab a few snacks on her next grocery run as a thank you to Brooklyn. The AC blasting in Calum’s car is Noa’s saving grace. The slight chill is welcomed to the warmth still radiating from her body.

She directs him to turn right at the next intersection. “It’s pretty out here,” Calum notes. The buildings follow the same brick patterns as most other buildings on the campus. But there are some trees that stand tall and it feels a little cozy. Noa hums and she directs him down to a parking lot. It’s not that far down from her actual dorm. The walk feels longer though for Noa, feeling Calum right behind her. Calum follows with quick glances the way her ass shakes a little with her gait. The shorts are definitely higher than they were before and he’s sure that was done purposefully.

Noa fishes out her keys and swipes into the building before directing Calum up the flight of stairs on the side. Their shoes echo as they ascend. Her room is the first one once they step outside from the stairwell. “I apologize now if it’s a mess,” Noa says with her key in the door. She’s praying that Brooklyn’s side isn’t a disaster.

Thankfully at the first crack, the room is cool and clean. She carries past one bed to the second pushed against the wall near the window. Calum notes the white and black comforter and the posters decorating her wall. There are string lights and after a moment they twinkle off the white plaster of the walls.

“Putting on the full works, huh?” Calum drops his hat and bag next to her desk. They shed shoes. Her bed is raised so she pulls out a step stool.

“Something like that.”

Calum cups her jaw. “I’m flattered.” Their kisses are still heated but less desperate. Both of them are aware of what’s happening and what’s going to happen. Calum pulls at the knot of her white shirt and pushes it off her shoulders. Maybe it was a little insane. Maybe it was the fact that Calum was a little tired of being lonely on Valentine’s Day even though he hated the whole institution of the holiday.

Whatever it was that brought him here to peeling Noa out of her shirt and revealing her breasts to him didn’t really matter. Because he was okay with it. He cups one of her breasts, teasing the bud with his fingers and he kisses along her neck. He feels her heart races with his tongue. “Love it don’t you?”

Noa hums, pulling around his shoulders. “Maybe.”

He laughs into her skin. She climbs up onto the bed first and Calum sheds his shirt before climbing up behind her. On the corner of her desk near the bed, he spies the box of condoms. Multiple boxes actually. He reaches over her to one of them. He’s going to drag this out just to have her begging like she did with him. “This is quite the collection.”

Noa knows part of this is payback but she reaches up running her hands over his sides to get him to come back to her. Calum resists the temptation to look down and kiss her again. If she does all his resolve will break. He studies another box and she lifts her head from her pillow finding one of his nipples and sucking it into her mouth. Two can play this game. And Noa knows that while she’s aching for me, she might have a better chance of riding this game out than Calum.

Calum drops his head for a moment, letting the electricity of her touch travel up his body. One hand creeps up to his crotch, putting just enough pressure onto his growing erection. He’s so fucking screwed. Noa kisses across his chest, soft ones that barely make contact with his skin. “I’m going to be giving a pop quiz about the varieties I have. So study up,” she jokes before pulling her hand away.

His laughter is soft above her. “I won’t be won over by academic pickup lines.”

“You were being stubborn and I had to try something.”

“You teased me. Don’t dish out what you can’t handle.”

“I can handle plenty,” she retorts pushing at his shoulder.

Calum straddles her lower legs, popping the button on her shorts yet again. “Is that so?” The question is punctuated by him pulling her shorts and panties off. His fingers waste no time to part her and circle her entrance. Her back sinks into the mattress and her hips rise. Calum catches the small hard exhale of all her air leaving her lungs.

Calum hovers over her, one arm keeping his weight steady while he teases her. His lips brush over her jaw. “What was that?” His question is answered by a moan that falls over Noa’s throat. He kisses down her throat, sucking just a hair too hard at the thin skin. It doesn’t leave a bruise but when Calum pulls way, there’s a red spot for sure on her skin.

Noa lets herself be consumed by the way his stubble scratches over her skin. Calum kisses down the valley of her breasts. His teeth graze over her nipples. Maybe he’s better at the game than she thought he was. She liked to think she was tough, but Noa knows deep down the softest touch can turn her into putty. She doesn’t find it within herself to care when he flicks her nipple with the tip of her tongue.

Calum drinks in every sound. She sounds so good beneath him at the mercy of his whims. Though he knows he’s going to give in soon. Soon his own tough act will dissolve and all he’s want is her to be thoroughly fucked. Calum carries down her body, kissing over her stomach before finding her heat again. All it takes is one lick, bottom to the top and Noa shakes, her thighs quiver and Calum knows he has her.

Her hands find his neck though. She pulls him up before pushing up and Calum falls into the mattress. She works his pants down and kisses over his thighs as she goes. Her teeth are sharp when she takes a bite, nothing too hard, but it’s enough. It’s enough for Calum to know she’s serious. He’s serious too. His arm hooks around her neck once the pants are fully disrobed. “Come here,” he murmurs and she settles on his lower torso.

Noa could lose herself in Calum’s kisses and never want to find a map out. Calum traces at her skin with the tips of his fingers as if trying to etch the roadmap of her into his memory. Noa reaches behind and strokes Calum’s length, almost too leisurely, like she knows she can just take her time with him. He lets her too. What else does he have to lose? What else does Calum have to do on such a bullshit holiday than just having some fun?

He does enjoy that this isn’t rushed. He’s also glad he’s not tipsy and neither is she. There’s something about alcohol and sex that never quite worked for Calum, though he’ll admit to some days waking with hickeys and blaming the vodka almost immediately. He likes the intimacy that they share, as crazy as it sounds. Like the way Noa looks at him after they break away from a kiss. She doesn’t look crazed or greedy, her eyes cradle him almost. She traces over his tattoos.

The questions linger on her lips. Like what does ‘Choose Life’ really mean to Calum? Who was Mali? To whom did those initials belong too? But Noa knew those were questions she couldn’t ask. And she kind of liked the mystery of it. She liked knowing Calum but not getting the full picture. She had the frame. She has the beautiful man in front of her but she didn’t have his mind. She saw bits of it in class for sure. When he finally decided to speak. But that was a piece that would always linger behind the curtain.

It was still a game for sure. Calum giving away what he wanted to give of himself but keeping everything else. Noa knew better than to think she could win that game. She knew better than to assume she could even be a player. It seemed cliche to think that maybe just maybe she could be the one to change that. That had to be loneliness talking though. It always crept in on days like this. At least for the moment, she was having her own fun.

Her own fun--that’s all she needs to focus on right now. Noa reaches across Calum’s body to her desk and he uses the moment to bring the nipple and even part of her tit into his mouth, to tease her for just a moment longer. She barely keeps her grip on the box of condoms at the shiver running through her body. “Fuck,” she breathes.

Calum hums at the praise and pinches her right nipple between his fingers. “You know,” he starts, tracing the swell of her breast with his fingers. “You do this thing when you’re thinking, where you bit the inside of your lip and you kind of zone out.”

Why is Calum so fucking observant? Why did he have to go and say that? He was really digging her grave. He might as well go and build the casket for her too. “I’m not backing out of this.”

“I was just saying,” he hums.

“When you’re thinking you tend to play with whatever is in your hands,” Noa returns and then glances down her nipple, the way his fingers roll it and pinch. A moan builds in her chest--she can feel it. Calum immediately pulls his hand away. “I never said I didn’t like it.”

The grin that takes over his face is shy. Noa kisses his nose before tearing a condom from it’s foiled package. “How about a ride?” she grins.

Calum has to laugh at the smirk and corny joke. But he agrees. “I hope I’m tall enough for it.”

“More than tall enough,” she laughs, rolling the condom done him. It’s the first sink, the stretch that makes Noa’s eyes nearly roll back into her head. Calum finds her hips, exhaling hard too at the squeeze and warmth of her.

“Fuck,” they both exhale. Her pace is slow to start but Calum brushes everything inside of her, even parts that she didn’t even know could be brushed. It’s a little painful but the adjustment happens and all Noa’s concerned with is watching Calum fall apart beneath her. His fingers curl into the fat and muscle of her hips and thighs.

The sounds of skin slapping against skin echo about the room and Noa releases the hiss, the only thing she can do at the feeling of Calum buried so deep inside of her. It’s true bliss when her pace picks up and Calum watches her tits bounce in time. “Fuck, just like that,” he encourages.

It’s not easy work Noa will admit but it’s rewarding to hear how strained Calum’s voice is. How much he’s tittering closer and closer to the edge. Calum brings his fingers to her clit and her yelp, part surprise, part an exhalation of arousal, he hums. “That what you needed? Just a little attention for a greedy clit?”

Noa sighs, holding herself upon his chest. “But you like it, don’t you? You’re coming to cum for me and my greedy clit, aren’t you?”

He is. Not right now, but soon. It’s creeping up on him and god, will it be sweet. He brings her head down to kiss her, to swallow down every filthy sound she makes and save it for later in his chest. Calum plants his feet into the mattress and meets her bounces with his own thrust. “Oh, shit,” she whines, her voice straining at the added sensation. Time starts to lose its grip. They are just feeling bodies.

It’s soon her face down into the mattress though, curling the sheets into her fist as Calum drives into her. “God, please,” she groans, feeling the twinge of her orgasm knotting at her lower stomach.

Calum brings her up, her back into his chest with a hand tucked around her throat. It’s not tight and soon it drops to her nipples again. “Tell me what you need.”

“Just you,” she exhales. “Just you, Calum.”

His fingers dance over her sex. She clenches once, a sign of the impending orgasm that will be crashing over it. Calum kisses along her shoulders and across her back, the twists in the way don’t even matter. Not when he can feel her occasional spasms. He’s not going to last much longer. But he wants to get her there first. With a little more pressure at her clit, Noa grabs Calum's thigh. Another whine falls over her throat and she again lacks the warning.

She cums with a heavy grunt scratching over her throat. Calum bites down onto her shoulder. His orgasm follows soon after thanks to her spasms. After they clean up, she falls into her sheets and Calum lays for just a minute. Just to catch his breath and he traces over the still red marks of his teeth. “Is it too much if I offer to buy pizza?” Noa asks, curled up into his chest. “Does seal the fate on Valentine’s Day as well when you’re single?”

Calum laughs. “It’s definitely sealed the fate on many of them for me in the past. But I should probably get home. Be an adult, even if I don’t want to be.”

Noa nods. It’s a little awkward when Calum has to crawl over her to climb down off the bed but all she does is giggle before kissing his cheek. Calum finds his shirt and she tosses him his underwear from the sheets. “I should write a personal note to Calvin Klein for that underwear. Your ass is ten out ten in those.

Calum shakes his head, his laughter loud. “And out of them?”

“Seven out of ten.”

“I should be offended.”

Noa shrugs, holding the sheets to her chest. “Alas, you don’t seem to be though.”

With the bucket hat situated back over his head, Calum shrugs. “Guess I’m not if it’s coming from you. I’ll talk to you later, yeah?”

She nods. “Sure.” Calum’s hand doesn’t quite reach the door before she calls out her next question. “You remember how to get out of here right?”

“Something tells me it’s like the same way I came in? But I’m not too sure.”

“Smartass,” she grumbles.

Calum chews on his lip for a moment to hide the smile. He was worried him leaving would be awkward. But he finds himself not wanting to go really. He thinks he could split a pizza with her. What would be the worst that would happen? But he doesn’t want to push any more boundaries or piss off her roommate.“Bye, Noa.”

“Bye, Calum.”

***********

Now Noa is definitely worried after not seeing Calum on Monday that he freaked out about their hookup. She didn’t have his number and emailing him was out of the question. Emailing wasn’t the format to have the ‘what-happened-and-why-are-you-avoiding-me’ conversation. Everything seemed fine when Calum left. He even sent a thank you email when she sent him the notes she typed up from their study session. He had included the blowing a kiss emoji. That had to mean something. It had to. Even Brooklyn said it meant something. Sure Brooklyn was no expert. But who sends that kind of emoji unless they mean something behind it?

Though when Monday rolled around, Calum wasn’t to be seen. Today was Wednesday, the day of their midterm. Noa books it from her class in the science building but because of some rain, there is a mud spot and she slips. She doesn’t fall, thankfully catching herself on the edge of the brick wall but she knows the feeling of her pants splitting literally anywhere.

Her shirt is most definitely not long enough to cover it and she can’t be late for the exam. So she carries on, wishing she had grabbed an extra layer to help save her from the embarrassment. First Calum ghosts her and now her pants rip. Today’s really not her day. Not that she needed it to be her day, but she would’ve liked it.

Taking a quick moment to assess the damage, Noa feels behind. The hole is mostly towards her inner thighs but it does gape a little to the back and she’s mortified that half her ass is hanging out. She hopes this is the icing on her cake. She’d really rather not have too much else to her shit cake. This was more than enough shit for any one particular day.

Just a few minutes before class starts, she opens the door to the classroom. The professor stands at the podium, exam in hand. Her eyes scan the room briefly and there’s Calum. His head down and she’s sure that he had to have heard the door opening but he doesn’t look up. There’s nowhere else to sit either, except for her spot right next to him. And she’s not going to cause a scene on midterm day either.

She’s careful as she sits, to avoid further splitting, and slips off her backpack. She keeps her back turned and fishes out a pen, black ink this time. Just as she faces forward, a Hershey’s kiss and peppermint are placed in front of her. Calum grins, pulling the wireless headphones from his ears. “My mum used to give me peppermints before a test. She said it was supposed to help. I don’t know the exact science.”

Maybe Calum didn’t hate her? It definitely is a shock for him to be talking so casually. She’s happy though. She’d rather not have to shun Calum. She liked his stupid ass jokes and maybe, just maybe, she was letting herself get a little too close. That was a disaster she’d deal with later though. “Were you sick on Monday or something?” Something was going around and if Calum had caught it, she did worry that she would too,

He shakes his head. “A gig ran late Sunday. I just emailed my professors that I wouldn’t be able to come in on Monday. I realized I needed the notes from Monday but I didn’t want it to seem like I was just using you. So I’m sorry about you not hearing from me after I said I would.”

Noa reaches into her backpack and pulls out a small bag of peppermints. There was just a misunderstanding. She can handle that. “My mom used to say the same thing.” She situates the bag between them. “In case you need another one during the exam. Also, I can give you my number.” She finds a scrap piece of paper and writes it down. Calum saves it fast and sends her a text too so she has his number.

As the professor starts to hand out the exam, only a list of four questions of which they’ll pick two to respond too, Calum feels the slight jitters coming back. Noa notices and slides her piece of chocolate over to him. They lock gazes for a brief moment and smile, both reminded of the last time chocolate was involved.

The questions aren’t too hard. The practice ones Noa came up with fall right in line with what she said the professor would ask. She finishes first between the two of them and leaves the bag of peppermints. Calum notices her awkward shuffle and the hole in her jeans. He can’t use his phone to tell her to wait up but he’s almost done himself. So he scribbles down the last few sentences for his question and quickly gathers his things.

From the pocket of his backpack, he feels his phone vibrate. He hands over his exam and slips out of the front door. Noa’s not in sight so he digs out his phone, stepping out into the bright sunlight. She’s not even halfway down the path, stopped by someone else as they chat for a moment. He thinks it’s her roommate, she looks familiar and the two laugh before going their separate ways.

“Noa,” Calum calls out to her and she turns. These stairs aren’t as steep and he’s quick to get down them. Calum reaches into his backpack, revealing a sweatshirt and hands over her bag peppermints. “You can use this until you get back to get new pants.”

“I have a meeting with my advisor and then a club meeting. I was just going to tell them I’ll be a few minutes late to our meeting.”

“No, no, keep it. It’s okay. I don’t want you to be late.”

“I won’t be able to get it back to you until Friday.”

“I could come to pick it up too before then?”

Noa knows that look, the glint in his eyes as she ties the sweatshirt around her waist. “My last class tomorrow ends at 2.”

“I’ll pick you up from class. Just text me the building. We can study. I heard it’s Valentine’s Day.

“That’s about a week late.”

“I was always bad at math,” Calum jokes. “You think I should sign up for one next semester?” Noa laughs as she steps backward from Calum. Of course, he would make another joke. They get her every time too. “Is that a yes though?”

“That is a yes. To Thursday and to you needing a math class.”

“Ouch.” He holds a hand to his chest, faking pain.

She twirls before throwing a wave over her shoulder. “Bye, Calum.”

“Bye, Noa.” He wipes out his phone, watching her walk down the bricked over paths. Next time you don’t have to split your pants to get my attention.

She stops and spins around, fingers flying over the keys. I can and will take this hoodie hostage.

“That’s my favorite hoodie,” he shouts at her.

“Not my problem, sweetheart.”

“It absolutely is your problem.”

“My problem is that I’m going to be late.”

___________

Tagging: @irwinkitten @5-secondsofcolor @pinkbubbles-and-bigtroubles @glitterlukey

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lucysweatslove · 4 years

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Weekly Weigh-In #2: 1/19/2020

Content/trigger warning: body numbers including weight and weight loss and body measurements. Usually any talk of that stuff is put under a “read more” so you won’t see it on your dash if it triggers you, but I don’t do that for my weekly weigh-ins.

Weight: 170.8 (-1.8 lbs) So this is exactly half of what I lost last week, and it’s not exactly what I wanted to see. I mean, it’s close to 2 lbs, but I was really hoping for two pounds or if I was really lucky finally be back out of the 170s. It’s okay though. Weight loss isn’t a perfect function, and any loss is good at this point. Also, it fluctuated between 170.2, 170.6, and 170.8 before decided on 170.8. Idk what that means but to me it means I might be closer to 170.7 but because a tenth of a pound isn’t very big or accurately measured it rounded up.

Body measurements:

Natural waist: 35.25″ --> 35″ (-0.25″)

Low waist: 40″ --> 40″ (no change)

Hips: 42″ --> 42″ (no change)

Thighs: 25.5″ / 25″ --> 25.25″/ 24.5″ (-0.25″/-0.5″)

Ribs: 34″ --> 34″ (no change)

Bust: 42.5″ --> 43″ (+0.5″)

Energy balances: Remember that these numbers are a very imperfect science. I look at it as a “big picture” and not an absolute

Weekly balance: -9414; if this was “perfect science,” this would be about a 2.69 lb loss, but again, not absolute. I guess I’m okay with 1.8.

This balance is mostly bc I had no appetite for half of the week. Yes I had “good” active calories burned too I don’t want people to think this is because I exercised a lot or whatever. I don’t want to have no appetite and thus this balance number is not a “goal” for me to reach. I try to aim for maybe 7000.

I’m not going into energy in/out specifics this week (if you’re interested, that discussion is whisperposted)

Workouts:

Cardio: Just one, 30 min + 5 min cooldown on AMT.

Strength: Just one, about 50 min, upper body only.

Additional: None, though I did run in place for a while on Thursday to get my steps in. It’s been too cold to go on proper walks with Oreo (I won’t take him out for a long walk below freezing due to concern about his paws), and I’m still a bit salty that I can’t do proper yoga (my left hand is not weight-bearing; I have a mysterious soft-tissue injury which despite OT is not resolved).

Additional thoughts:

I’m trying to not get too discouraged. It’s not just that I didn’t lose 2 lbs this week. I can handle that; I know how weight fluctuates and how loss isn’t linear and while I can’t say I’m thrilled with that number (and I don’t think it reflects what I did this week entirely), it’s still a good downward shift. What gets me is the measurements.

Besides minor soreness in my abdomen, none of the spots I’ve measured today would be impacted by my workouts (artificially inflated due to water retention and inflammation). It’s weird that the weight mostly decided to come off of my thighs, though I can’t be too surprised because my body has always stored its fat first and foremost on my stomach. I wonder when I’ll see more movement around my mid section.

That said, I also know that my “low waist” is prone to other types of fluctuations, and the fact that my breasts “grew” half an inch this week makes me curious if I’m starting to gain hormonal water weight. I’m not exactly sure when my next period is due (long story short, husband has a vasectomy and while I use NuvaRing for other issues, I forgot to put it in after my last period and thus I have to wait for my natural cycle). If I had to guess though it’s either this week or next. So I am trying to look at my measurements through PMS-bloat lens.

Which tbh might be why I didn’t lose 2 lbs this week anyway :)

Things I need to consider/remember:

It’s okay if I have a low appetite, but I shouldn’t count on those numbers consistently.

Look for trends, not absolutes.

Everything fluctuates

It’s better to lose a bit less but eat more to fuel workouts because my heart needs to be happy and muscle tone will help my body confidence immensely.

The honeymoon is not the end goal. It’s one motivating factor on the way.

#weight #weight loss #stats #measurements #body measurements #inches #tmi #talking about energy in and energy out may come up later #but this week it becomes apparent that I didn't really have a good intake in #and i don't want those numbers around for people to think that's normal #either for me or for others #i'm very much anti disordered eating #so i just don't want anybody to get the wrong idea #my numbers this week are based on super shitty appetite #like on some days particularly Monday-Wednesday I just couldn't find the motivation to eat #and that's different than ED thoughts because ED thoughts are more like you have the motivation to NOT eat #does that make sense?#if eating too little is intentional or based off of fear it's no bueno #but i give myself a pass when it's not at all related to those things #just know it's not goals or whatever #k rant done

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tryingtokeepgoing · 2 years

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My First Impressions

Im honestly a little turned around. There are some good things in life and some bad things, like usual. But I’ve been trying to change my lifestyle for ages now. I try to reinvent myself over and over and it’s it’s just like now, look, I’m 21 years old, I know what I want, I know my flaws, I know my fears but I have no fucking clue who I am or what makes me happy. Bc to be honest, what makes me happy usually isn’t good for me, so it changes a lot.

I always feel the need to explain myself and make things makes sense, and most of the time I feel like people do not understand what I’m trying to say. So tbh this is going to be my space to write what I’m feeling without having to rub together more than 2 brain cells at a time.

I tend to reread my writing a lot as I write, I’m going to try not to do that here either bc it wastes a lot of time. That probably also means I’ll get off track A LOT. So bare with me. Like I said, 2 brain cells. I feel like my brain travels at 2000mph when I’m thinking or writing so it’s like I have to pick and choose which thought to write down.ANYWAY, the whole idea behind this was that this blog is meant to be my therapist. I don’t need a response, I don’t need advice, I just need an empty void with no expectations that I can dump my crap on for free. I’m hoping this will help me tone down my anxiety.

I’m 21, in a relationship where I desperately want to feel content but developed under the worst circumstances and now I’m trying to patch it up and make it better. While still low key expecting the worst to happen just so i can feel prepared if it does. I feel like… I’ve got body dysmorphia in reverse. Not because I love my body completely because I know I’ve got work to do, but bc despite doing the work I still keep getting told my body is getting worse. And that it’s astronomically bad. Like I’m trying to work on myself in a chill way, and I can’t. I’ve cut out alcohol, increased my exercise by a lot, payed more attention to my calorie intake so I can make sure I’m at a calorie deficit, and I wasn’t expecting anything drastic, bc I know my body isn’t like that. But I’ve gone in the complete opposite direction. I lost a couple lbs the first couple of weeks, then in one weekend gained six pounds. And I thought it might go away, workmates have said things like, “it’s your period, it’s water retention, it’s muscle mass,” whatever they said, it was eventually supposed to get better. Nope. 1 whole month later and I’m a little heavier than when I first shot up. Measurements keep getting bigger, weight is increasing, I feel weaker, gassier, etc… i went to get my body fat percentage read today and even then, as I was saying I knew I’d get my feelings hurt by this machine, I was actually thinking it’d make me feel better. It did not. It hurt my feelings. Showed me that the weight gain is in no way water retention, my muscles are weak asf, and I have an extra 36lbs of fat I have to lose somehow.

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vvalcrer · 6 years

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I can’t bear how cute Kim Junho is.

I have been watching 2D1N for several weeks now–mostly the really old stuff from the beginning of Season 3. And let me tell you what a skilled, captivating, and naturally hilarious man he is. Just off the top of my head, there was this one time when they got to lie down for a break, and he tried to pull Jongmin closer pretending that JM was his sweetheart, making JM turn away in disgust but only low-key. Not only is it great that the cast seem genuinely like good friends and understand each other well, JH knows how to create little bits of humour seemingly out of nothing but his own sense of humour. (Eating lunchbox in classroom game is a prime example how he shines by knowing how to work the ‘disadvantage’ he is given.) Needless to say his whole ‘yaps/devious trash’ character adds so much to the show. It is also very attractive how confident he is, although it should be expected bc his work is to be in front of cameras and therefore we see him performing in his element. Which leads me to this: don’t @ me but he’s pretty sexy. I don’t think I mean his body, not only is it pretty beat up since he’s over 40, and there is often zero make-up/slick dressing during 2D1N shootings. I mean that he seems like he knows how to come on to a woman, and when he says something suggestive in his deep voice I acknowledge that it probably comes off as sleazy but it’s also a turn-on. (Reference his YouTube videos to know what I mean about that voice. He also appeared on Unnies for some MV and I had to pause and take a breather from the tension that his acting generated :-//) I think the effect is heightened by the contrast to his normal self: his almost stubby stature, the slouch he has, the expression that more often than not is found in an open grin. And in so many episodes of 2D1N his stylist gives him the cutest outfits, especially hats with ears, and winter jackets that make him look so huggable and small, even though he’s 10cm taller than me. (In an aside, in the first ep of the season where he is surprised in his home, he looks so fucking cute when he wakes up in his teddy bear pyjamas, all bewildered and flailing his small limbs!) I’m glad that he likes to wear glasses because I agree with him that it makes him look cute (he said that in the 2015 Health Exam Special I think). These elements of dressing contribute to some behaviour/aegyo that he pulls off, sometimes seemingly without thinking, and it blows my mind that a 40-y/o-man can do it so naturally that I want to make him my pet. In the 2015 New Year Special pt. 2, where they had to play the chance game of picking strands of noodles, he was licking his chopsticks in preparation and then gave some kind of hiccuping start with a sound (SO FUCKING CUTE) that even made Taehyun laugh when he noticed? And another one that I remembered was when they had to do aegyo into GoPros during the Catching Mice game, I mean, you’d think that a man in his forties with bloodshot eyes and maybe a face puffy from water retention would be repulsive but nope. After watching his I Live Alone feature, and knowing even more about how reliant he is on others to take care of him, as if he were a helpless baby, I actually feel more for him (for having created such a successful career for himself despite being clueless about household things on top of suffering a lot of major setbacks) and want to protect him TT at that time, he probably felt lonely in his house after his flatmate moved out, so he used any excuse to get friends to come over. He seems like an extrovert? So I think he gets his energy from others. He said he has basically never stopped working, so when he does get a free day he has no clue what to do. I respect that his work is his passion is his life. I guess seeing him in his entirety (ofc I’m aware it’s only TV, but I believe you can tell a lot even so)– dead tired on his feet after having slept only an hour, entertaining others on GagCon, accepting daesang with shingles on his face– convinced me that I can continue liking this man for a long time. (What is it exactly about KJH that makes him one of the fastest growing Korean channels on YouTube, where a lot of the fans are international as well?) He seems to have nothing to hide, nor any masculinity to jealously protect, he is aware that his body is ‘ugly’ by many standards but bares his skin readily for the sake of entertainment, he breathes life into comedy, he is clueless but gifted at the same time, he seems to live for comedy and performs well even when he goes through hard times in other aspects of his life, he is by no means perfect/polished and i don’t think he would be the thoughtful person in a relationship. Yet, yet. I think it’s an affliction of this crazy digital world that attractions wax and wane quickly, and I’m no doubt one of the patients; I have always wanted to have loyalty like some do, such that they can stay interested in their favourite celebs for years. 2D1N in general I feel merits such devotion. I didn’t realise I wrote so much for this post. I might continue with more if I gather enough points that I have nowhere else to share. If you made it here, drop me a reply and tell me why the hell you read all this lmao. I assume you’d be a KJH fan as well. Cheers.

#kim junho #2d1n #analysis? lol #thoughts

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thebibliosphere · 7 years

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Okay so u know how u mentioned uve been prescribed an all organic diet bc of ur health issues? My doctor straight up told my mom today to take me to McDonalds and get some fries. What a wild world we live in. This isn't a new thing at all too, all of my doctors have sternly told me to eat a ton of salty foods to help water retention. So, hi-five for opposite food prescriptions that make ppl question ur doctor?

Hah, for what it’s worth I also don’t get enough salt so I have to add a lot of sea salt to my food. So I’m eating fresh organic produce to avoid preservatives (and other things) but then throwing a bunch of salt on it.

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transgenderteensurvivalguide · 7 years

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Do you have any recommendations about using progestin-only birth control to stop shark week pre-t? Does this work? Will a guy get feminizing side-effects from using hormonal birth control?

Lee says:

The progestin/estrogen combination-pill is usually the go-to for stopping your period, but I have heard of people using Norethindrone which is progestin-only to stop periods. With progestin-only pills, it’s super important that you take your pills at exactly the same time every day, and if you don’t then there’s a chance that your period might come back.

I’ve also heard of people using Seasonique (a combo pill) instead of Norethindrone, so it’s worth discussing which type is best for you since there is more than one option!

But it’s established that you can use continuous contraception to stop your period safely, and Planned Parenthood says you can safely stop your period with it.

I have heard of estrogen/progestin combos also working and they shouldn’t cause feminizing effects, but your results may vary.

“The FDA approved the first no-period pill (brand name Lybrel) in 2007. And, yes, this new pill is safe. It isn’t that different from other low-dose birth control pills that use estrogen and progestin to stop ovulation. Instead of taking four to seven days of placebo pills, however, people take Lybrel continuously, with no breaks and no period. Seasonale, another extended-use oral contraceptive, limits menstrual cycles to four per year. The FDA approved Lybrel based on two clinical trials, each lasting one year, of more than 2,400 women ages 18 to 49. The trials showed Lybrel to be a safe and effective contraceptive when used as directed.” (X)

Basically, yes, it’s possible to stop your period with birth control! You may have to try more than one thing if the first one doesn’t work for you, but it’s something you and your doctor should be able to work out. If your primary care physician doesn’t want to work with you with this for any reason, you can try a Planned Parenthood- they tend to be pretty good with this stuff.

From the NY Times: For the Teen Who No Longer Wants a Period …

I’ll collect other mod answers and follower responses from similar asks about stopping periods below for ya:

Kii says:

Estrogen-based birth control isn’t “feminizing.” If you’re AFAB and not intersex, you already have enough estrogen in your body that birth control can’t really feminize your body anymore.

You’ll have to decide for yourself if stopping your period alleviates more dysphoria than taking birth control gives you. Most people see very few physical changes when they take birth control, so it won’t make you “more feminine.”

Plus, estrogen and progesterone are not “female hormones” because everyone has them in their bodies, not just females.

Unless you have a method of birth control that’s especially designed to stop periods, your periods will not stop. There are many different types of period-stopping birth control, so your best bet is to ask your doctor or pharmacist what to expect.

You should always take prescription medication as directed by your doctor. If you want continuous cycle birth control, get a prescription for that instead, but don’t skip pills in your current prescription.

Once you’ve had your first period, you can be on birth control! My doctor once told me, “If you’re old enough to have periods, you’re old enough to be on birth control.” so I would say no, there’s no minimum age to starting birth control. For me personally, it has helped me a ton and I’m very happy that I started taking it.

Addressing a possible concern that wasn’t mentioned- I was on multiple types of birth control prescribed by multiple different doctors, and no one required me to get a gynecological exam until I turned 18. Generally, unless you’re having problems with your bits, you don’t need gynecological exams until you turn 18 or become sexually active. Here’s our big gynecology post!

Also, IUDs do not stop periods for everyone, but that’s definitely something you can try.

Kai says:

I got a hormonal IUD, which will stop my periods.

(tmi ahead)

There’s no feeling/sensation that I would know anything is in there unless I literally inserted my fingers to feel for it, and even then, the strings soften over time. I had some mild cramping and discomfort for 2 days after insertion, but took over the counter ibuprofen and have not felt anything at all since. I’m pretty sure most people, if inserted correctly, won’t be able to feel their IUDs on a daily basis unless something is going weird or they’re very very sensitive.

They would need to have the strings there so that you can tell if it’s either been dislodged or fallen out, or else you wouldn’t know and could potentially not be protected against pregnancy. Definitely talk to your doctor about it. You can also get daily birth control pills, but you will have to take those every day at around the same time, and also that’s not a localized hormone so there may be other effects you may not like, but definitely talk to your doctor about it.

Speaking of, there’s a post-IUD survey here (not affiliated with us) about people who had/have IUDs.

Archer says:

So, before starting testosterone I started on progesterone only birth control and it completely stopped my monthly occurrence. In fact I’d had issues with every other birth control method I’d tried and this one, with no added estrogen, stopped it all together. On top of that, my doctor even told me to continue taking the pill up until about three months on T so I wouldn’t have to deal with my period at all hopefully.

Ren says:

To my knowledge, most long-term birth control methods (the pill, shots, IUDs, etc) don’t cause breast growth, although some will make you more ‘feminine’. But the amount of estrogen in BC usually isn’t enough to cause any noticeable effects. Maybe some boop tenderness, but it’s not enough to, like, cause boop growth.

Phoenix says:

There are lots of non-hormonal birth control options available- you just have to tell your doctor/nurse that you would prefer a non-hormonal method and they can give you more information.

Even non-hormonal birth control can help with cramps and stuff. And honestly, even if you have to use a hormonal method, it isn’t a huge amount of estrogen added to your body. I would look into non-hormonal methods first, though. Best of luck!

Emery says:

Different types of birth control affect different bodies differently. Some birth controls are estrogen and progesterone, some are just progesterone, and some are non-hormonal.

Side effects of birth control that could be considered “feminizing” include weight gain (including in the breasts), breast tenderness, and potentially bleeding/spotting between periods. Birth control shouldn’t significantly affect your body size/shape though.

Implant birth control is usually a good method. They last for about three years typically, and I haven’t heard any horror stories about them. The implantation is relatively painless and pretty quick, and after a day or two you basically don’t notice it anymore. Then a few years later, it’s removed, and that process is also pretty quick and pretty painless. They have no serious side effects that I’m aware of, but you should consult with your doctor about whether it’s a good option for you.

As far as HRT goes, you would probably want to remove your implant before starting testosterone, but there shouldn’t be any complications from having had the implant previously, taking it out, and then taking T. Again, though, always talk to your doctor. None of us here have medical degrees.

You can use BC to have a period once a month, once every three months, once a year, or even once every three years, I think. Discuss with your doctor the best options for you and your body. Also consider visiting a sliding-scale Planned Parenthood for doctor’s feedback and cheap and/or free birth control of many varieties.

Fox says:

Extra estrogen in the body for DFAB individuals actually mimics pregnancy. Generally, the most it does is keep your skin clearer and hair shinier, perhaps similar minor changes. There shouldn’t be any huge changes, depending on the kind you use– but some individuals get bigger chests or hips from it, and that’s something to consider if you experience gender dysphoria. But if you’ve been on it for awhile and haven’t noticed those changes, you should be okay! I’ve been on BC for the same reason for years, and my hips and breasts are on the smaller side of average, so it isn’t an issue for everyone.

Tyler says:

I have Nexplanon, if people have questions about that then they can send an ask.

Autumn Says:

One of your fears is having more estrogen in your body. That is completely valid. But there is a cool fact about estrogen that might put you to ease. If your body has excess estrogen, it actually converts it into testosterone. I don’t know if that will help at all, but it might.

danny says:

birth control, depending on the method, can cause your body to retain water more easily. this means that regardless of your age, it can make your breasts grow. it really depends which method you are using, though. this also means that you will gain weight elsewhere too. when i was on birth control i noticed it made my hips and thighs a lot bigger, and didnt effect my breasts that much, however, it may be different for you!

Harper says:

Yes, one concern that some folks have is weight gain. But most forms of birth control do not cause weight gain:

https://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/contraception-guide/Pages/which-method-suits-me.aspx

The narrative about The Pill being linked to weight gain is based on dubious evidence:

https://www.nhs.uk/news/medication/does-the-pill-really-cause-weight-gain/

What looks like you’re gaining weight can be from water retention. it usually settles down after a few months, and will definitely go away if/when you end up going off the pill. That said if you are concerned I’d say speak to your GP if you can and also consider a the variety of birth control that has the desired effect.

Jay says:

According to this, certain types of hormonal birth control may slightly increase the risk of breast cancer. (Warning at the link for cissexist language). This page states that high-estrogen BC slightly increases your risk, but low-estrogen BC does not. Low-estrogen is the type most people use. This page says nothing about progesterone-only BC (that I saw), so it most likely does not pose a risk either. If you did get breast cancer (which is very unlikely), you could have a mastectomy (it’s actually part of the treatment). A mastectomy for cancer is actually quite different from top surgery. Top surgery removes about 95% of the tissue in and around the chest to create a “male” contour while a mastectomy for cancer removes as close to 100% of the tissue.

Followers, any personal experiences with birth control to add?

Followers say:

shmannah said: For those who cannot/prefer not to introduce outside hormones, paraguard is the only hormone-free BC that I’ve found my research (although it can affect the hormones your body naturally produces). Nexplanon is a hormone releasing implant! Just FYI.

lilulak said: Also depo-provera. Progesterone only, injection every 3 months.

timefrozen-waterstreams said: I hope its okay to say this, but please don’t take the needle variant, if you plan to stop your period with it. I did it and it kinda messed me up? I had my period for 2 whole months and even after it stopped, it won’t come normally and its longer than before. Many peoples body got messed up because of it, most will tell you not to take it. I think the name was “depo-provera”, but I’m not sure.

anon said: for anyone wanting to start the depo shot - it may make you bleed for the first 3 months youre on it due to the thinning of your uterus’ lining but i got my second shot on tuesday and my bleeding has almost stopped entirely! even so, you should talk to an obgyn if you experience this bc it could also be something more serious. its a pretty common side effect and it terrified me because they didnt tell me about it so figured id inform!

sfodijnvwipejrnfgworijnhgfrijfn said: i’m a trans dude and i’m on a depo provera shot (basically progesterone) and i haven’t had a period in years. it’s amazing. also you can continue to take it for birth control after you’re on t if you eventually do decide to go on hormones!

anon said: I’m on depo prevera and it completely stopped my periods. It’s just a shot you get every three months (unless you’re like me and I now get it every 10 weeks because I have poly-cystic ovarian syndrome). It does have some side effects but it could help those who struggle with dysphoria since it can stop periods. :)

anon said: about depo-provera!!! its great if its the right hormone combo for you, but when i talked to my gp about it he suggested taking a pill form birth control for a few months that’s the same sorta composition as depo so you can see how you react to it. some birth controls can lead to like. nausea and depression etc if it’s the wrong composition, so its better to test it out before you put it in for three months!

anon said: trying a different version (?) of depo first to see if the chemical composition works for you is a good idea. i had a really weird experience w/ depo, it messed with my mental state for about a week after i took it. & it only stopped my period for a month or two, then it just made it rlly irregular for a while. everything is back to normal now but i wish i could have tried a version that didn’t last as long.

rammyrue said: It’s worth noting that a few of these options (possibly all, I haven’t tried Seasonale) can mess up your libido but it won’t necessarily be mentioned by your doctor or in the Choose Which Is Best For You type pamphlet (but will in the paperwork with the pills.) I’d say that info is more than just a ‘nice to know’ if getting the 3-monthly injections and don’t get a side effects list. These medications can also make you put on or struggle to lose weight, which can sting if dysphoric about hip size. Oh, and also birth control meds in general can be horrible for your mental health. You might need to try a few different options until you find what works for you :)

anon said: I briefly went on birth control for really painful periods and dysphoria, and i ended up having a nervous breakdown. for any one with mental illnesses who’s considering going on birth control for whatever reason, make sure you talk to your doctor about any and all side effects!!! because stopping periods was not worth the severe depression and panic attacks in my opinion and my doctor never warned me

knifegoth said: I use it, it stops shark week but my chest grew, then again I’m still a teen so it might have just been me

rosemarionttyler said: My sister takes birth control (she takes them so she won’t get her shark week) and she hasn’t had any breast growth

theeightandtheone said: I’ve been on almost a year and my experience is they didn’t grow on their own but when I gained weight it went straight to my chest which is :/ but I recognize that if I lose the weight it should stop

anon said: I’ve been on birth control for awhile and it actually didn’t change my body at all! No more acne. I can skip shark week whenever now! It’s made me more accepting of my non binary identity. But it’s diff for every1

alexisthegayestofgayboys said: it didn’t always stop the bleeding i did this and i bled for 3 months straight

schizo-fractured said: I use nuvaring which stopped my period completely- and you only have to change it once a month so you don’t have to think about it that much, if that helps.

patmolandcornedrue said: i got a prescription for the patch from my family doctor without seeing a gyno, but she did a breast exam, so you should be prepared for that to possibly happen

anon said: to the person wondering about the birth control patch, i have found it to work really well. i have had no side effects, and it makes my periods shorter and less emotionally taxing. i highly recommend it for people like me who have issues with pills because it doesn’t have some of the harsher side effects assosciated with other non-pill birth control methods

xfelvesandmen said: You can also get an IUD for terrible pain since it generally stops periods, I’ve personally found it has fewer side effects that emphasize areas id rather ignore (breast tenderness, etc) than pills but it’s different for everyone

anon said: having and IUD put in is really quick once you’re in for the procedure. However, getting it put in hurts A LOT if you don’t get numbing stuff/pain meds (I’ve fallen asleep getting tattoos and I almost fainted during this), and outcomes vary a lot. Instead of making my period shorter it just made it last a lot longer but each day was lighter. There is a type of pill where you don’t have to have your period more than 3 times a year. I’d ask your doctor about your options and tell them what you want from it.

narrito said: When I was put on birth control when I was 12 or so, they didn’t do a pap smear or anything like that (because I was 12) and hell, they didn’t even do one when I was 16 and given an IUD. (Mostly because both times I could honestly answer no to if I was sexually active or not). So you may have to see a gyno, but you probably won’t have any sort of uncomfortable experience beyond having to answer weird questions with an adult around.

iteraltortoise said: Be aware tho anon some people w iuds end up w complications bc of them

madrigalfan1 said: my mother, aunt, and other people my mom knows have tried the mirena and have experienced really negative side effects like having it cause severe pain from piercing into other body parts bc it moved and being extremely difficult to remove bc of tht

theboychosenbythekeyblade-riku said: I’ve been using an IUD for close to 3 years and I have found that it doesn’t cause breast growth.

sleepyanimal said: Mirena is an IUD that releases progesterone and can be used with testosterone if you are thinking of eventually going on it?? I know this because this is why I chose this birth control method– but yeah it does stop/lessen periods and is a really effective birth control method

tigerqueer said: I second the mirena- it completely stopped shark week for me! Best of luck!

narrito said: I also have the mirena, the only downside is it is vaginally inserted, so it can get kinda uncomfortable. It does take 6+ months to stop your period, but some of the PMS can linger even after that like cramping and all that.

heyhosers said: I’m on Mirena which is an implanted birth control that ONLY relies on progesterone, NOT estrogen, so I’ve heard (not 100% positive) that you can be on it and T together. Anyhow, whether you’re on t or not, I HIGHLY recommend it. It makes most people’s periods stop, so it alleviates that dysphoria for me and it also doesn’t mess with my emotions!! Feel free to talk to me abt it ~

demiiboy said: Progesterone based (ie implant, depoprevera) is okay too, according to my pp. I’ve been on depo for 4 years and testosterone for 5months. No affect on the speed of my physical transition

demiiboy said: Progesterone based birth control (depo preva) is your friend. Has no feminizing effects

socollectioncyclesblog said: Progesterone is an androgen! I’m on continuous progesterone to stop my shark week axtually and it xan make you look a litttle more masxuline in some xases

magicalfairyprince said: Just get the depo shot. Thats what I did. You get it every 3 months and its one of the only forms of birth control that doesnt contain estrogen as well!

anon said: Just wanted to say that I’m on T but I also take a birth control pill. Its a progestogen only pill so I get no oestrogen from it. The good thing about this birth control pill is it stops your monthly stuff, or at least it did for me, so for about 2 years before I started T I never got my period which was great. For some it might be embarrassing to go to the pharmacy to get it but no one has ever raised an eyebrow. Just thought I’d share for people who are interested.

we-came-as-times-new-romans said: Estrogen based birth control and T may affect each other slightly, and you should probably not plan to be on estrogenic BC forever if starting T, but it’s ok

thelaner said: if it adds estrogen to your body in a consistent way, your body should make less estrogen of its own and it really shouldn’t change your hormones that much other than stabilize the hormone cycle

i-am-nathaniel said: I used to use birth control for my periods but the extra estrogen in my system kinda wrecked me mentally. Testosterone will stop your periods altogether if you can get on it.

soldierslightwillforeverburn: Basically from what I know the only one that won’t counteract/will be safe on T is a copper IUD.

toryinnismoved said: ive taken norethindrone and depo provera before and didnt notice any real weight gain on either (compared to gaining quite a bit upon starting T)

palethsharkstudent said: I take Norethindrone and it’s awesome!! completely stops menstruation without any physical changes estrogen-based pills would cause!!

httpcaden said: I took Norenthindrone which is an estrogen free birth control but I do NOT recommend taking it because it gave me 2-3 cycles per month and they were extremely painful and dysphoria inducing so. That’s one i don’t recommend, so if someone mentions it to you be hesitant about going on it. But Depo provara is an injection that - hormonally - is incredibly similar to testosterone and halts the cycle all together with very limited side effects

anon said: i took norethindrone before i took the depo provera. it worked fine (i still bled but even now i still bleed after a year on T and two years on the depo so thats more of a me thing, i think?) but my issue with it was that i had to take it twice a day and if i missed doses frequently my period would hit me Hard (w/ all the lovely cramps and gastro trouble) so if you dont have issues with remembering to take medicine every day it should be fine, but i recommend the depo provera

radical-boy said: Someone I know says the shots stopped her period completely so you could ask about that

crystal-jem said: I’m on the depo shot and have been for about a year, and its awesome. I don’t have a period or cramps at all, and mine were so severe they would make me throw up. Its a shot every three months on your butt cheek, and if you want to do it yourself you can even ask for a needle and syringe with your prescription

Lukas said: If there are any trans guys out there who are looking into BC pills as a way to control or manage their monthly “shark week” but aren’t sure what to use, I would personally recommend Seasonique. Seasonique comes in 3 month packs, which means you get your period only 4 times a year. It also means fewer (and possibly embarrassing) trips to the pharmacy. If you do experience spotting, you can talk to your gyno about adjusting your schedule. I have been using it for about a year and have experienced only minor spotting, my chest did not grow at all, I’ve not had any changes in sex drive or had any changes in weight or mood. While it might not be right for everyone, I know many people who’ve been very satisfied with it; again, it’s something to work out between you and your doctor/gyno.

tangible-crisis said: Cryselle has been really helpful for me. It’s a very small amount of hormones so there is not many feminizing effects. It worked great for me

anon said: I take cryselle (a 28 day pill) for 9 weeks instead of 3 and then take one placebo week! This was prescribed to me as I wanted fewer periods for blood loss reasons. I had tried a pill specifically made to be taken for 9 weeks but the dosage was too low so that’s why I take mine like I do! I can’t say there are any different side effects than the ones I already noticed taking it normally

anon said: i’m a pre-t trans boy on birth control and it hasn’t changed anything about me except made me healthier and more able to do things when i’m menstruating! the chemicals in birth control (well the ones in mine anyway) are actually the same ones used in oestrogen blockers, so you’ve got nothing to worry about!

anon said: I’ve been on birth control, and although it affects everyone differently, I can offer some advice. LoLoestrin FE has been really good for me. I’ve had heavy periods too and it fixed that. Ashlyna, the three month stuff, made my boobs grow though

anon said: The birth control I take is called LoLoestrin. It has really low doses of estrogen and progesterone, and hasn’t given me any side effects while being really effective at managing my period and cramps. I recommend it for afabs who want to use BC!

space-boy-3000 said: This worked well for me for a while but the low dose may not be enough for you, I had to switch to a higher dose because it didn’t have any effect

courteous-lamp said: I take LoLoestrin too and I had side effects. I got a lot of acne and unpredictable mood swings. I’m generally extremely sensitive to medication though

chaeslife said: there’s this one implant that they can put in your arm called Nexplanon that can lighten your period and for most people it will stop completely.

pimptier said: Get the stick! I’ve had my nexplanon stick for a year and it completely rids me of my period and almost all of its symptoms!! Plus there isn’t a pill you have to take every day (mines good up to 3 years but I’ve heard of some good up to five!)

anon said: I’m a cis girl and I got the nexplanon implant. It can stay in your arm for 3 years. After the bruise goes away you hardly notice it’s there. (For most people) it stops your period. It’s great if you can’t remember to take pills.

superbananatime said: My doctor gave me these pills I would take only when I get my period! It makes it not as heavy flow and usually I have like 10 day periods also but it was like seemed like 5 days.

frogprincesstsuyu said: I’m not sure what your pills look like, but if there’s a 4th row of different colored pills (they may be reddish brown, yellow, or another color, or you may only have 3 rows) then you skip that row and immediately start the next pack. This means you pick your pills up one week earlier. The 4th row is placebo pills that don’t contain hormones, so you get withdrawal bleeding. If you skip the placebo pills, then you won’t have the withdrawal bleeding/ “period”.

pageollie said: my best friend takes tri-montly birth control and just skips the week where the pills are just placebos. they’re transmasc and their period causes extreme dysphoria as well as physical pain/issues. they have their period every 6 months I believe?

we-came-as-times-new-romans said: There is a 3-month cycle pill. Please don’t misuse a 1-month prescription without talking to a doctor about it.

physicsmagics: Yeah, some people take the active pills for the entire month instead of taking the sugar pills for a week out of the month, which is what causes you to get your period. It depends on why you’re on the pill. My dr wanted me to do that for 90 days due to painful periods

anon said: I’m on a progesterone-only pill called Desogestrel, and for me it’s been great because: A) it has completely stopped my menstruation B) there’s a 12-hour window for taking it each day, so it’s still effective even when you forget to take it at the usual time (great for my ADHD self) and C) I’ve had no noticeable side effects at all for the whole 2 years I’ve been on it. Not started T yet, but multiple doctors have said the pill should still be effective once I do. :)

anon said: For ppl in the UK I just went to my GP and said “my period is giving me awful gender dysphoria can you prescribe me something to stop it?” and she just gave me a choice of 2, discussed the difference and gave me a prescription for the one I chose! No touching or further explaining was needed :)

anon said: Some doctors will refuse to use continuous birth control to stop your periods. If you get one like this, ask about Seasonale or another similar birth control. It doesn’t stop your periods completely, but it makes it happen every three months.

anon said: In my experience ( and those I know of who also take it) it doesn’t make your body more feminine! You can skip it for ~2 months, shorten the time span & how heavy it is, and virtually no cramps, headaches, other icky stuff.

anon said: My doctor put me on Jolivette, which is a non-estrogen birth control pill. (I wasn’t out, but estrogen birth controls can cause blood clots and my family has a bad history with those kinds of things) It doesn’t make the cramps go away 100% but it helps a LOT (before, I was missing school two days at a time because I would sometimes black out)

sanguis-ripam said: You should def stay in check with blood work to watch your hormone levels, and like if one doesn’t work for you because of mood or physical shit tell your doc. A lot of AFAB people have to experiment with which birth control is best.

trans-chat said: Liam says: I was on birth control for a while and the only thing it did was lower my sex drive and control my periods a bit. You probably won’t gain weight in any way unless you’re on something really strong. Another mod, Lukas, has been on birth control for a while and hasn’t noticed anything other than a lower sex drive, less acne, and a slightly lighter period. I would give it a try and if you don’t like it switch. There are shots you can get every three months that completely stop your period so maybe talk to your doctor about that.

#Lee says #period #menstruation #birth control #Anonymous #transgenderteensurvivalguide #trans #transgender

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eatasaurusfaster · 7 years

Text

10 day (almost) fast

Wow. I've been gone for a minute. I got down to my lowest weight 207. Then, tragedy striked my life. My father had a stroke and passed away. My world was rocked so hard. And still is. I stopped fasting. I was eating whenever it was convenient and I didn't hold back. Fast forward a few weeks later and I had already shot up to 220. Now, a month after that I am at 227 this morning (with some water retention) .. enough is enough!!!! My number 1 thing before my dad died was losing weight! And fasting! It's been 2 months, and even though my life will be challenging for a while, right now I need to go back to prioritizing losing weight before I end up back at my highest weight (247) ... eating doesn't make my life better! Neither does smoking! ( I smoked about 20 packs of cigarettes in about a month and a half after my dad died but I quit a little over a week ago) smoking n eating doesn't fix anything! It's temporary relief but life remains the same. If I lose weight it can actually make my life better! I would be healthier and I would be able to deal with my challenges more gracefully. I would have the energy I need to be a full time mom and also settle my Dads estate all while running a household and caring after my little sister who is developmentally disabled. It's a lot on my plate but when I try to imagine doing it all while gaining weight, potentially at my highest weight- I know I simply won't be able to do it!!!

This leads me to my ten day cleanse, aka (almost) fast that I made up as a specialized program for me since

--I don't have the strength to fast hardcore right now. I'm the emotional equivalent to a wilted flower. I need some leniency.

--I want to do this for a while, and for ten days I know I wouldn't be able to completely fast for all that time.

So for ten days I'll be eating only when I feel the need to, snacks spread out at least by 2 or 3 hours. I'm hoping that for at least into the early afternoon I could just be enjoying beverages like herbal tea or some zevia. I am also allowing tea and coffee with cream whenever I want it within reason. I read about an older woman who fasted for several months who only had tea with cream every day. I would obviously not want too much cream bc of calories .. but I tend to sip on those drinks for a while.

My guidelines for eating are simple: unlimited lettuce and cucumber- restrict myself to 1 TBS of olive oil, unlimited red wine vinegar, and spices like oregano basil salt pepper

Snacks limited to 150 calories or less, at least 2 or 3 hours apart. My exception is a protein shake which I will allow to be up to 300 calories. The protein shake is whey protein, fresh spinach, half n half, water and vanilla. This will help with nutrition during my cleanse. Since I am not initiating many hormone process through strict fasting, I want to ensure my body is still digesting high nutrient foods. I don't need to have it every day, but I think I probably will have it towards the evening to help with hunger while going to sleep.

I will be taking my vitamin supplements as well as making a home made electrolyte drink. especially for the days when I eat very lightly.

I would love to throw in a fasting day in the middle of the 10 days if I can. Also throw in 12-4 hours dry at a time if I can! I wanna take charge of my weight! I wanna stop this weight gain in it's tracks. I simply can't wait any longer. I don't want to gain one more pound. It's not worth it! I quit smoking and to b honest I feel like being fat is more dangerous to my health than smoking is!!!! Now I can get to being a healthy weight AND not smoke cigs! I'll be coming back to the blog throughout the ten days to keep myself accountable. My hardest time will be 6 pm and beyond. I will probably benefit from coming on the blog at night in bed and reiterate my goals and how I feel.

Until next time 🤘🏻

#cleanse #loseweight #weightloss #starting again #betternowthanlater

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iivlvii · 5 years

Text

Day 47 - 06:01

Weight: 182.4 SIKE 181.6

I did weigh myself this morning, but I'm convinced the scale is broken so I'm waiting until 9 when my mom goes to work and I can double check on her two scales before I record it. It better not be what it says right now, bc if so I've somehow lost no weight щ(ಠ益ಠщ)

I get it, I didn't work out yesterday, but I walked for an hour the day before! Isn't that enough? Ugh. Now I have to go walk in the park (but I can't because I can't leave my sister alone but I also can't go later because Alex will be at work AAAAAH!) They blame you for being fat but don't give you any options to be better!

Fuck it, it's official. I somehow only lost .2lb between yesterday and today :/

SIKE! Took a nap and woke up a pound (actually 0.8lb) lighter! I guess sleep is important lmao gonna remember to force myself to sleep for now on.

Thoughts:

Fat! I'm so fat! I wanted to be down two pounds today so I could happily record 180 ;; this blows. This also wrecks my weight loss assumptions and I hate that! How do I lose absolutely no weight in 24hrs?? That can't be right! And that's why I'll wait and double check with mom's scale.

If it is right somehow, I'm definitely doing some pacing and silent work outs to get my heart rate up later.

...oh. I just felt a stray cramp. That would explain a lot, actually. If it's water retention from my cycle, there isn't much I can do besides out fasting it.

Tch. This better not make my fasting harder. But at least it's happening now so it can't ruin my other 3 fasts.

12:32:

Took a three hour nap and immediately had to urinate upon waking. Took that as a good sign and weighed myself again: 181.6! It's not 180, no, but it's better than nothing lmao. We being grateful this year.

The last time I was this weight, Dimitri and I went to Dragon*con. He made me miss the Bella Morte concert.

17:47:

I slept another 2hrs and desperately want to weigh myself, but I don't think that'll be healthy for me right now. What I need to focus on is weighing myself once a day at a predetermined time (11 seems good) so I don't go crazy obsessing over my rate of weight loss. And although walking would make me lose weight quicker, it's no use if I overdo it and end up dealing with the discomfort for the next four days.

Yes, I have 4 days left. It's surreal that I'm already halfway through this dry fast, and I've handled it relatively well. I just have to make it to Friday. I'm not going to force myself to work out this round of fasting, because 204hrs is a new threshold I've never been able to achieve. I'm going to focus all my energy on getting there. The weight can come after.

20:45:

I know I said I'd stop weighing at night but I peed twice so I figured I might as well and I'm down to 180.6. I rue my lack of self control, but I'm so glad I'm at 180 on day four. Even if the day is almost over.

Monday, January 14, 2019

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i-amusemyself · 7 years

Note

All the stationary.

Ahhhh ty!!! I can’t tell if you wanna know that much bc you gaf or not though.....

Paranoia aside imma overshare either way!! *finger guns*

gel pen: when are you most comfortable?

I mean, I have anxiety so that just doesn’t happen much lmao! My first thought though was when I visit my favourite place, a little corner of a field with amazing views where I’m always on my own. I love it there.

ballpoint pen: tell me about the day you’ve just had

The day I’ve had was hell, so I’d rather relive yesterday.

Yesterday I woke up and binge watched supernatural; actually remembered to eat for once then was actually motivated enough to do revision. I got into hysterics over a tumblr post so quickly decided it was a day I should be avoiding hella emotional stuff....10 minutes later I was watching the last ever episode of prison break and sobbing uncontrollably at every word. In the afternoon I went out but not before losing my phone which was exactly where I left it. By that point though I was so late I had to speed walk at least 2 miles to the next village, where of course my friend arrived flanked by two pretty decent looking guys. I honestly looked like a tomato with water retention issues at that point so I’m sure that was a fabulous first impression. Then we got over to our revision session at the library early so went to the pub instead which was a dream; didn’t get any alcohol though because you can’t revise biology while hammered. Believe me. Then I stayed up late enough to get my ass whooped last night but it was so worth it because even though it turned into some sort of snapchat contest, I was laughing my ass off the whole time it was amazing.

That enough of a day for you?fineliner: what’s your greatest achievement?

I used to train with the england basketball team, and I played for East Midlands. That was a pretty cool experience.highlighter: what are your best qualities?

Jfc, plural? Idk! I’m pretty motivated? And I always make an effort to tell the truth (if its good, otherwise I keep my mouth shut).

greylead: what is something you want to try for the first time?

Being attractive. Being loved. Need I go on? Oh and also giant zip-lining.felt-tip: describe your aesthetic

My bedroom looks like an ikea showroom lmfaooo so whatever that is. Weird architecture and cacti and random objects in neat little storage places.

But equally like, overgrown graveyards mixed with roses and anything black. Depends on my mood.crayon: your earliest childhood memory

Treading on a bee and having to have the sting removed from my foot lmao

scrapbook: something from your childhood that makes you smile

............um??

Okay there was this one time we found an old camera in the loft. I must’ve been 3 since my dad was still there. Anyway we all went out in the garden and it was such a normal little family thing, but it’s the only time I ever remember that happening. It’s got my parents waving and looking happy and me sticking my head out from inside a little wendy house grinning and it’s so cute. It’s the sort of thing I wish I’d had more of.

sketching pad: describe yourself from a stranger’s point of view

A lanky thing approaches. It has a stereotypical lesbian haircut, bad eyesight and appears to have given up on all things fashionable. It’s shy and awkward, so makes you feel extremely uncomfortable too. It appears to be reasonably friendly, but occasionally says things that don’t make a single bit of sense before desperately looking around the room looking for more small talk inspiration. You’re overall impression is it’s a pretty boring human being, probably totally harmless, but would be incredibly easy to replace.notebook: what’s your favourite quote?

I have a couple of little quotes I remind myself of on a daily basis, ranging from song lyrics; “darling you’ll be okay” and “the sun will rise and we will try again” to “pick your fights” and “you gotta give a bit of yourself to get something in return”. I kinda live my life by those.paper: what kind of book would you write?

I have absolutely no idea! I can’t see myself ever having the motivation to write a book.stapler: out of all the people you know, who do you think you are closest to?

My best friend @only-slightly-dangerous who literally knows me so well it’s scary! She can literally message me out of knowhere and know from 3000 miles away if I’m in pain.glue stick: what do you look for in a lasting relationship/friendship?

I can’t be dealing with people that lie or are fake or whatever. So definitely honesty. Also people just being themselves and not being afraid to be weird or whatever, because that’s when I relax a bit lmao! I guess a decent sense of humor too? And someone that doesn’t mind you asking questions or whatever. Idk. Sometimes you just click with people without being about to put it down to a specific characteristic.tape: tell me about your longest friendship

It wasn’t very long.

I mean I had “friendships” through all of primary school but that doesn’t really feel like it counts. Secondary school? The first girl I made friends with and was really close to for 5 years is now like,,, someone I honestly can’t even stand to hear about soooruler: what line will you never cross?

I could never cheat. eraser: what do you consider to be your biggest mistake?

I’m not sure. Maybe not standing up for myself more at school and at home. There have been occasions where it would have been totally reasonable but I just shut up and let shit happen so I’ve spent a lot of time beating myself up about that stuff.

Also, and I know I shouldn’t but, I still spend a lot of time thinking about a boy at our school who killed himself and I never knew him but I still wonder if I could have done anything.scissors: ever had a bad break-up?

Nothing hella nasty but I don’t really talk to any of my ex’s at all.calculator: list fifteen things that make you happy

Lmaooo I’ll do my best!! Okay so music; concerts; friends; seeing other people laughing; making people laugh; stand up comedy; hella good art; hearing people tell stories; sitting and listening in the middle of knowhere; thunderstorms; exploring; helping people; good food; the sound of rain on the roof; cuddling and tumblr.protractor: an unpopular opinion/angle you have on an issue

Pinapple is good on pizza.sticky note: something about yourself you’d like to change

I feel like I have no personality so like,,,I wish that could be better. I wish I was pretty. Or attractive or whatever. Oh and I wish I could sing those hella high notes because I feel sorry for the neighbours atm.stamp: a date that’s special for you and why

25th March because that’s the day my life changed just enough for me to carry on.bookmark: a book that means a lot to you and why

I always just say Numbers, but honestly it was the first ever book I cried at and I feel like it helped me understand the world a little more.folder: describe your family

How long do you have? I mean, it’s quite a small family but I’m not that close to any of them. Most of them are just pretty conservative living in little nuclear families. I didn’t used to get on too well with my dad but we’ve got a lot closer. I still don’t get on with my mum very well though bc she’s abusive. welp. whiteboard: tell me your plans for tomorrow

I’m gonna die a slow, painful death by revision and then recover when I go to my dad’s and walk Borris.blackboard: tell me about a memory that has affected who you are today

All those memories are locked away in a place I can’t get to and I think it’s best to keep it that way for now.

A low key one is probably when a friend once told me nobody cared about me or what I had to say and I’ve basically been mute in most social situations since XDpinboard: what are you focusing on in your life right now?

Exams. A level exams. Just one more month and I’m freeeee!!!tablet: tell me your plans for the future

Start a fresh life at uni and get this degree. Then who knows? I’ll probably go and get another degree and I’m pretty sure I’ll end up doing medicine.stencil: who are your role models?

I don’t have very many. Kaitlyn Alexander for sure, because they really helped me understand who I am and start to accept it. Also Luke Cutforth because I love his YouTube channel but also a lot of things he’s done related to mental health have been helpful and I relate a lot.envelope: tell me a secret

I’m going to my end of year prom in a shirt and tie and I haven’t told anyone yet and I’m scared shitless. I’m still gonna do it though!!

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aquarianlights · 6 years

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I am the anon who asked about nexplanon. I thought it could trigger you, that's why I didn't go into details. I wanted to know if it stops your period or if you are still bleeding? Hope I've been more clear.

Gonna write out a fuckton of details, putting the important things in bold…and then put a completely bolded TL;DR at the end:

I really appreciate the not wanting to trigger me. I thought maybe that was why you didn’t go into detail. That is really respectful and I really appreciate it, but for future reference for you and anyone: If it is medical, scientific, or for educational purposes and does not reference my parts sexually or treat me or my parts as sexual objects and I still remain male in the eyes of whomever is asking me questions, I don’t mind explicit detail.

I really appreciate that, though.

As for the answer….It’s a little complicated.

This is my replacement nexplanon. I had one for three years prior to this one. I got my replacement one put in on 11/22/2017.

With my FIRST nexplanon…the first three years I had it…I didn’t bleed at all. The one and ONLY time I spotted (did not get a full period and did not get ANY associated symptoms…just simply spotted) was when living with my ex-girlfriend and her husband. My ex had VERY alpha-essque hormones. I spotted tiny, tiny bit when living with Chelle but it was so unnoticeable that I didn’t even have to use a pad.

It is completely normal for anyone with female parts that has nexplanon to actually get a full period (even with all the associated symptoms) for the first few months after insertion… And, IF I UNDERSTOOD MY NURSE RIGHT…..(I may not have, coz I’ve been in a total daze this past week+), it’s even possible for people with the appropriate female parts to have full periods with associated symptoms every month on time for the entirety of their time with nexplanon. But every single person I’ve talked to who has nexplanon said that’s really not a thing and their periods, if they got them AT ALL, went away almost immediately after the first few months.

I have a bleeding/clotting disorder that especially affects my periods (and is also something I have to alert tattoo artists to which is why a lot of my tats come out unfinished). When I got my first period at the age of…maybe 13? I was hospitalized because I clotted so badly and I almost bled out entirely. They suggested I take my uterus out immediately because this wasn’t something that was going to go away and I would need to be on a VERY STRONG BC for the rest of my life that either eliminated bleeding/clotting altogether or made it to where I bled/clotted like a normal person’s period, which would still be awful. ALSO, my periods last approximately 2 weeks, give or take a couple days each time. This is normal for my entire family on my mother’s side…it would put my mom and her mom and their mom before that and all my mom’s sisters out of work and out of school and stuff the entire time every month of their period. They didn’t have it as severe as me because they didn’t have the bleeding/clotting disorder to worry about. But they did have as severe cramping as I had that was as bad, if not worse, than labour pains (spoken from women in my family who have been through it, some multiple times). They DIDN’T have something that I didn’t get until my late teens, early 20′s…and on… until I got my nexplanon. The psychological effects of the period. Every single time I got my period, I would wind up in a hospital the day before I actually got it because of the most extreme and impulsive suicide attempts you can imagine. I have NEVER felt such extreme psychological instability as I have when on my period. It’s like…every single disorder I have gets amplified by a million and they all clash and I’m unable to control anything and suddenly my body and mind act on their own and I’m no longer in control and I black out and wake up in a hospital or while being dragged, kicking and screaming, down the hall by orderlies to the floor with a ward on it. The hallucinations, the BPD symptoms, the other schizo symptoms, the homicidal and suicidal symptoms usually being taken over by suicidal, the self harm urges, the inability to make decisions for myself, the panic attacks while all of this is happening, flashbacks to rapes and being in wards and being trapped and sex training and all sorts of different things that i cant remember, …the list goes on and on. ALL AT ONCE. I just wake up and get FLOODED with all of these things all at once and Killian shuts down and idk what or who takes over but whatever does instantly goes for the most dramatic, impulsive, instantaneous, shocking, grandiose, suicidal gesture you could ever imagine that always seems to be in public (lets break a glass mirror in public with your brass knuckles and slit our wrists and throat open with a huge shard where everyone can see, why don’t we!?) so I mean, you can only imagine how many times I’ve been thrown right on the ground by a cop and cuffed and taken in. This is usually the day BEFORE my period. Also, I starve on my period. I starve naturally coz I’m anorexic…but it takes willpower to starve during non-period times and times when I’m sober..During my period…I can’t eat anything coz I always feel nauseated, my two lower quadrants are always in such intense throbbing or stabbing pain that I’m writhing and screaming despite heating pads and normally a dilaudid or fentanyl drip at the hospital, the thought, smell, and visual effect of food makes me feel….full? Idk how to describe… It’s not nauseated. But it makes me feel so full that I couldn’t force myself to eat even if I wanted to. And since my period lasts a MINIMUM of two weeks, give or take a couple days, I usually end up on IV nutrients, too.

I’m explaining all of this because I’m needing to explain WHY it is so important that I chose nexplanon over…say…The Pill or an IUD or something. I’ve heard that the Depo Provera shot works for people who can’t handle nexplanon and vice versa. Well, when I tried the Depo Provera shot, I wound up having the effects of an anti-depressant on me…in other words, it made me so insatiably suicidal that I ended up in a ward within a couple hours of getting the shot. Depo worked HORRIBLY on me…I didn’t even get to see if it worked for any of my period symptoms coz it had to be flushed from my system entirely coz of the EXTREME psych effects it had on me.

But Nexplanon….Nexplanon was my saving grace.

Coz not only did I literally NEED the bleeding/clotting to stop….But I NEEDED ALMOST ALL of the associated symptoms to stop. I think the only things that weren’t either life threatening or debilitating were mild acne that happened very rarely each period (never really had to deal with acne in my life) and the bloating/water retention. Very specific, certain mood swings associated with periods were something not life threatening or debilitating either. Just…annoying and a total bitch to everyone around me hahahaha. I slayed with my words and popped off on anyone…Yikes. But it wasn’t like my BPD mood swings where 0 to 100 in less than a second on being euphoric and suicidal almost simultaneously.

I explained all of that because I need everyone to realize I chose nexplanon and not anything else because almost everything about my period (the bleeding/clotting AND almost ALL associated symptoms) were life threatening AND debilitating and had almost killed me so many times, it was terrifying. Since my parents obviously did not agree to get my uterus taken out and since I haven’t had the money to get mine surgically removed and donated to a wonderful transgirl (got three of you lovely ladies in mind! you all know who you are!)…I needed a BC medication that was going to stop EVERYTHING. Not just “the period”. But the ENTIRE period. The bleeding/clotting and ALL associated symptoms.

That BC was either Depo Provera shot or Nexplanon. One works, the other doesn’t…it seems to be that way with everyone. I tried Nexplanon first. That worked well. I forget why I tried Depo inbetween but you just read how nearly fatal that was for me…

ANYWAYS…

So this is my second time on it. As I said, It was put in on 11/22/2017.

The removal and replacement went smoothly and it’s been going smoothly……..until this month.

What I am experiencing is normal for a NORMAL PERSON. A NORMAL PERSON with a NORMAL PERIOD would be okay with these symptoms. Problem being….Idk what symptoms are associated with what because:a) I’m switching my migraine medication to something that causes certain side effects until it levels out in my systemb) I’m having what a normal person would consider a full periodc) Optical and chronic migraines are happening simultaneously and they are debilitating to the point of making me bed-ridden if I don’t take my old migraine med along with this new one (which I’m not supposed to be doing)d) I’m getting a rheumatoid diagnosis and seeing a rheymatologist soon (they’re gonna probably schedule me tomorrow for a week to a month out…month at the longest) for either a lupus or fibro diagnosis, but they’re also going to check for hyperalgesia presenting in the kicked puppy/”flinching disorder” way and there are a FUCKTON of new symptoms I’m experiencing because of whatever this auto-immune disorder or rheumatoid virus (or both) is and my period actually could be happening BECAUSE of all of thise) I added a new exercise regime in when I really haven’t exercised every day and night consistently since I got diagnosed with chronic costochondritis for fear of cardiac arrest, which I fear even more now that I’m on a med that makes it to where I can’t sweat, BUT….exercise is good for joint/muscle disease/virus/pain/etc etc etc…f) I’m under a LOT of stress and pressure regarding so many things but right now it’s primarily school…getting into a pre-med tailored general biology major and a good university to switch to a medical major and pass the MCAT and do a FUCKTON of things simultaneously in order to get into medical school (trust me, you have NO idea how many non-scholastic things you HAVE to do to even be considered an applicant at p much every med uni)… I mean, I’m enrolled in three different colleges right now and I’m taking 6 vet tech related medical classes right now and will be taking 2 general ed classes on campus 45 minutes from here to finish a different degree…so I will have two associates band a bachelors by the time I’m moving on to my doctorate (coz med majors don’t get their masters, we just move from bachelors to doctorate for some reason)g) FAFSA is another time constraint stress that is KILLING ME and scholarships and such….h) Getting into the “back to work” program with disability, trying to find a job, trying to find internships, keeping up with seminars, paperwork stacked a mile high that is all deadline, deadline, DEADLINE…I’m going to a bazillion, million doctors who are all 3+ hours away and a lot of them are turning me away at the end of the visit because they “just don’t know what to do” and “this is above [my] pay-grade” so specialists refer me to other specialists who just refer me RIGHT BACK to those other specialists and then it’s an argument on whose specialty it is because the symptoms are literally from head to foot in me and no one knows what the fuck to do to help until I see a rheumatologist so it’s MORE THAN STRESSFUL driving 6+ hours almost every day of the week to go through extensive medical exams and testing only to be told they can’t help me/don’t know what to do/recommend…….and refer me someplace else….. and also all the hospital visits I’m ending up having to endure… alone… because my roommates are an “every man for themselves” type of roommate situation….i) Being put on a new medication I’ve never tried before, Lyrica, and playing around with the dosage myself and pushing it up to 600mg a day sometimes when I’m prescribed 200mg a day (100/100 day/night) and the max legal dose for my issues is 300mg/day…not to mention I’m not being consistent with it at all…and I was supposed to titrate up from 25mg to 75mg because it can affect my psych issues the first month but I just started on 200mg per day anyways coz I��m an idiot and have a self-medication problem (hence why tons of psychs have discharged me…rightfully so)j) moving in general and getting adjusted to new roommates and a new state and a new city and a new environment in general….k) getting used to a new style of support that I WANT AND NEED OVERALL but can’t handle and don’t need specifically right now when I’m just now getting diagnosed and transitioning through all these things…L) my HRT doc finally cleared me for T after working with her and the HRT board with PPH because it was dangerous with my psych issues….and then all of a sudden all of these physical issues popped up, forcing me not only to change my entire moving plans, living plans, schooling plans, autonomy timeline, Echo timeline, screwed with my financial stability I had going on MAJORLY, a TON of other things….and then ONCE AGAIN…barred me from being eligible for HRT because it isn’t safe anymore and until I get a full, complete workup and diagnosis, as well as find out what medications I’m going to be on and the dosage and they level out in my system and we all see how they’re going to affect me…….HRT is not an option….so I have to wait EVEN LONGER….to transition….M) relations with my parents became more strained than ever lately which is odd because normally being away and being unable to be physically abused makes things better and healthier between us…but suddenly, I’VE become the abusive one…. I’m fucking lashing out at my mother every chance I get and that’s normal for chronic illness diagnosis and stuff but blacking out due to anger is not… and idk where the anger black outs are coming from…and there are other black outs…N) Shit going on with my grandparents that SHOULDN’T be going on as well as with my father that SHOULDNT be going on and only people who truly know my father and me and what has gone on between us and who he really is can comment on this (which those people I can count on one hand), but I hope to god he dies before I can get to him…Jesus fucking christO) ……I can’t go on with specifics anymore, I’m bad with list but SUFFICE IT TO SAY…..

I HAVE A FUCKTON OF STUFF GOING ON SIMULTANEOUSLY AND I’M DOING ABOVE A NEUROTYPICAL LEVEL OF ADULTING EVERY SINGLE DAY. Like….WAY above. Above an able-bodied level of adulting, too! Above a neurotypical, able-bodied person’s adulting workload every day…. Which is scary.

I’m mentioning all that because all of that is apparently stress related. Apparently if there is enough stress in your body, it can release certain hormones. And those hormones, if powerful enough…like…if the stress is powerful enough…can cause a period in people. For people who aren’t on BC, it can cause them to have it at irregular times (ie; having it right after having finally stopped it… having it twice in one month…having it once in 3 months….etc etc etc).

That list is the major things I can think of off the very top of my head that are going on with me at this very moment… It is POSSIBLE that all of that is the cause of me having a normal person’s flow and all associated symptom’s at a normal person’s level.

WHAT I MEAN WHEN I SAY NORMAL PERSON: I mean… A normal flow as in… +NOT going through over one of the biggest maxi pads available every half hour/using a singular biggest maxi pad available maybe every 6-8 hours, +NOT being bed-ridden due to cramps/being able to stand up and walk and walk up and down stairs on my own when I have cramps and be out and about if I NEED to and stand the duration of a shower with cramps, being able to eat if I need to, +having zofran or phenergen work when nauseated, +having actual acne that I clawed to shreds with my nails so it’s very noticeable (I’ve had acne less than 10 times in my entire life so it’s a little distressing to see it on my face coz idk how to deal with it, but I had to claw at it until the convex forms turned concave and started gushing blood…so now it looks like two, big, perfectly round, bright red, blood-coloured spots on my face that I claw open every morning till they bleed and claw at during the day and smother in neosporin during the night), +the clotting is about half the size of my fits and comes out only when I pee/sit on the toilet (normally, the clots are the size of my fits or bigger, which is why a D&C surgery is necessary if it were happening again, but my hands are very small…VERY small…probably smaller than President Tiny Hands…so half the size is not that bad),+Bloating/water retention to where my pants/shirts don’t even fit but my weight hasn’t gone up…but, man, it hurts my soul and my mind so badly that it makes me want to hurt myself for self loathing purposes which I haven’t wanted to do in a long time and kill myself for being obese and hideous despite the fact I know this is temporary.+Mild headaches/NOT MIGRAINES OR HEADACHES THAT HAVE ANY SORT OR LIGHT OR SOUND SENSITIVITY,+NORMAL mood swings that are not akin to BPD or bipolar disorder at all and aren’t bad enough to cause any fights, either with others or with myself,+NO Suicidal thoughts or suicidal ideation…No instantaneous suicide attempts…no insatiable self harm urges,+This may be specific to me, but cravings for weird things like the feel of blood or the smell of the ocean,+Either an entire lack of appetite or a voracious appetite+Putting off adult responsibilities with a NORMAL amount of guilty conscious applied to it and not a “Jesus fucking christ, you’re absolutely useless, ON TOP of being obese and ugly, you really DO need to kill yourself RIGHT NOW because look at all the things you need to do and you’re not, you lazy piece of shit child” but more of a “You’re being lazy lol, but it’s okay…tomorrow is a new day. Fuck it. Fuck being an adult. I am NOT adulting today!”+INTENSE craving for chocolate…ALL the time… Like, not cheap chocolate, either. Like… mandarin orange infused godiva chocolate… All day, every day. Fuck.+Breasts swelling to almost a whole new cup size. Been having a hard time using the normal sized chest binder I use because my breasts swelled or retained water/milk/whatever so much. I don’t think they hit C’s, but my smaller B-cup bras which is what I normally wear to bed didn’t fit. Regular sized B-cups are normally WAY too loose on me to wear to bed and my girls will slip out during the night so I always have to find the tight, little girls training B-cups instead of, like…the ladies. I can fit into an A, but it’s just slightly too tight and a little too uncomfortable, unfortunately. I was an A my whole life until I got on antipsychotics. Hopefully T will bring them down to the smallest A possible and I can go down in my binder size.+Heightened sensitivity to pain and heat

Here’s a lack of symptoms I have entirely despite the fact I have my period that normally accompany MY period which also make this a “normal” person’s period:+No homicidal thoughts/desires/actions (thoughts past the normal)!+No suicidal thoughts/desires/actions (thoughts past the normal)!+No impulse spending to the point of spending the entirety of your money.+No sudden development of bipolar disorder but only for the duration of your period (a psych has confirmed this with me and gone over it with me and why I am bipolar on my period and not BPD and how this can be and how it is similar to a drug induced mental disorder, ie; drug induced schizophrenia, so I’m not just like…pulling this out of the blue, I swear lololol)+An ability to remain calm and level headed during arguments or fights if there even are any and turn things into a debate or a joke/satirical conversation instead of an argument like I normally do+No sudden surge of a loss of interest in things I love (which was hard to do to begin with since I lost everything I loved to depression over the years so this feeling of losing my passions during my periods was very soul crushing)+No getting triggered by noise, like… Being mentally overloaded by noise everywhere. I know there’s a word for this and it’s normally associated with autistic people but I’m blanking coz I’m not autistic and I don’t usually experience this and a cacophony of noise actually soothes me usually, tbh…lol.+No being overly sensitive to other people’s words and actions and no reading into and over-analyzing everything everyone says and does+No extreme panic attacks that are actually mental based and not physically based (I have panic disorder, which means I don’t get any sort of mental symptoms with my panic attacks because panic disorder does not have any association with anxiety or anxiety attacks or panic attacks that are caused by mental stuff… so my panic attacks are always purely physical…during my period, they can be started mentally…which is impossible for me otherwise)+No odd fears popping up that I overcame a long time ago (ie; phone phobia making me have a panic attack if someone calls me and making me unable to answer the phone or call anyone I need to, balloon phobia, needle phobia…actually, you know, I’m still not quite over balloons yet…I thought I overcame it about like…4 or 5 years ago but then my coworkers tied balloons to my car doors as a prank and I had a panic attack and broke down crying and had to have one of them come cut them off for me lolololol…so idk about that one, but you get my examples, right?)+No losing the conscience I have built up over the years and maintained so that I can force myself to stay away from being abusive and neglectful to people I love (ie; gaslighting, manipulation, coercion, pressure, charm, using my unique charisma for evil, threats, homicidal actions, conditioning, etc etc etc…) which comes with being BPD since I cannot feel empathy or sympathy and cannot “put myself in someone else’s shoes” due to ANOTHER disorder so I have made my own conscience and I lose it during my period because it’s made up and I have to be very self aware to keep it in place coz I don’t have a conscience naturally like most people do.+No hallucinations, auditory and/or visual+No catatonic moments+No psychosis, temporary/intermittent or permanent enough to need intervention+No purposefully making a dramatic scene in public in order to elicit a response from professionals and the crowd around me to come try to take me away to a ward so I can fight them+No lying without even realizing I’m doing it or meaning to about REALLY weird things to get attention (The things I lie about without realizing I’m doing it until after I’ve already done it while I’m on my period are INSANE!!!! It can range from something as innocent and benign as like… lying about the weather to a long distance friend…”Yeah, it’s raining outside. So nice.” When it’s fucking sunny as hell and making me miserable??? To something as big and severe as “I have a gun pointed at my head right now. I’m ready to do it. I have nothing left to lose.” Bitch, I can count the number of times I’ve held a gun to my head on one hand and it’s a VERY low number because it’s always been my dad’s gun and I’ve only been honest about holding a gun to my head to like… my ex girlfriend and one of my friends. That’s it. Yet, I have said this line so many times on my period without even realizing it until after I’ve said it and when it’s already been said it’s kind of a *shrug* “Welp…oh well…I guess…Too late to correct it…” sorta thing…So I go with it and just put on a whole act and it feels totally normal when I’m on my period??? My period turns me into a really fucking crazy, manipulative, evil little boy…)+Trying to steal the spotlight from others irl to get attention on me (ie; I can’t think of a real example, so I’m making up one: A coworker blacks out during a shift so they have to call 911…when the paramedics arrive, I go start unloading boxes, using one of those retractable blade thingies to open the boxes, while everyone is watching our pale, actually in distress coworker be loaded onto a gurney… I would go as far as to literally stab myself or slice a VERY deep wound in my hand or even chop the front part pad of a finger off (which I really have done before) just so I can scream (for real coz it hurts and it makes me yelp in surprise) so that everyone will turn their attention onto me and one of the paramedics will grab me and take me with them in the ambulance and I will go to the hospital with them and get all the “Omg are you okay? What happened? Did [x] really happen? Were you really in the hospital? Omg blah blah blah ATTENTION blah blah” as soon as I get back and it will rip ALL the attention away from the coworker who actually deserved it and actually needed…that’s not an actual example, I made that up, but I would not be surprised in the least if I did something like that while on my period if I were working rn and this happened)+Impulse stealing from corporate stores just for the adrenaline rush and to shove it to “the man”+Majority of my life, it was Cry and sob and cry and sob and writhe and pull my hair out and claw at myself and sob with full body shakes because of how much mental pain I was in because suicidal feelings definitely overpowered homicidal, but now and before my original nexplanon was put in 4 years ago…like…the very very very last period I had…Going out and looking for a fight with strangers…a physical fight…that I damn well know I will lose coz I’m a 5′2″ obese boy with absolutely NO muscle… SIMPLY TO GET MY ASS BEAT AND FEEL THOSE ENDORPHINS RUSH AND FEEL THE ADRENALINE PUMP AND THEN DIE OUT (similar to cutting)… Or just go to a bar and get in the most gruesome bar fight ever… Or find a human-like substance… and stab it over and over with a knife and beat it in with brass knuckles… Threaten people with knives… Etc etc etc …. Basically a bunch of homicidal stuff that I experienced the first two days of my period but now it’s gone coz the homicidal definitely overpowers the suicidal now+Such extreme apathy AND lethargy that I could lose whatever job I have at the time, go from a solid 4.0 to failing all my classes, and lose placement and lose progress in absolutely EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING I’m attending/working towards/doing/etc+The extreme apathy and lethargy bleeds into self care, too. No showering, no brushing your teeth, no washing your hands, etc etc etc…

I can’t think of anything else, but there’s probably more…Idk. But Anyways…EVERYTHING ABOVE IS SUPPOSED TO BE MASKED MY NEXPLANON COMPLETELY!

What I am CURRENTLY experiencing…is the first list. The one prior to the one right above this one. Normal bleeding/clotting and a normal level of psychological and other physical symptoms.

However…this has never happened to me before…

During my first three years with my first nexplanon, it took less than the first month for ALL of my symptoms to go away and I didn’t even spot the first month. That’s kinda what it was like up until JUST NOW with the nexplanon. No spotting or associated symptoms or ANYTHING until….literally just a few days ago…Maybe even a week ago now. The bleeding has slowed to the point where I don’t need anything other than a thin pad now. The cramping has slowed to where I don’t need a heating pad all the time. The mood swings are gone… I’ll admit, the first two days I got my period, I wanted to kill myself so badly and I most certainly did self harm. I slit the fuck outta my wrists and was SO CLOSE to going for the 20-minute-kill-zone. But I didn’t. Thank GOD I didn’t do it…Also, the first two days were abnormal for me in the fact that I wanted to eat EVERYTHING. NONSTOP. I was SO HUNGRY. Normally my period makes me so nauseated and makes me want to stay away from food so adamantly that I can’t even force myself to eat to stay alive so, like I said, I usually end up on IV nutrients in the hospital during the second week… My hunger returned to normal level on the third day and then has gone to the forcing myself to eat to stay alive bit now because I’m never hungry and I’m looking at food either makes me feel full or nauseated. Smelling food definitely makes me feel nauseated unless it’s chocolate. Lmaoooo! I am prescribed both phenergen and zofran for different reasons, though, so I just pop some zofran and it normally takes care of it to where I can force myself to eat something to stay alive or to not have a hypoglycemic attack. Coz now if I don’t eat something (even if it’s just a fucking spoonful of peanut butter or a cup of orange juice or a bar of chocolate—listing those 3 things coz they’re the top three best things to bring someone out of hypoglycemic shock) within 24 hours, I will notice my blood sugar bottom out and I will go into hypoglycemic shock and if I don’t immediately take care of it, I need to be hospitalized. Which is why I ALWAYS have chocolate on hand and ALWAYS have orange juice in the house. Don’t always have peanut butter on hand…but I should. I also have chronically low blood pressure and for some reason that affects my blood sugar and how easily it can crash and such? I’m not quit sure how (med student here and I have no idea the physiology of this stuff lol….wow) but I have to pay SUPER SPECIAL ATTENTION to BOTH of those things (blood sugar and blood pressure) during my period…because if my BP bottoms out and I don’t get help, I go into a coma. God forbid it fucking happens while I’m sleeping which…since I take metropolol (migraine med which drops my BP coz it’s a BP med) before bed and go to sleep with ambien which lowers my BP double (ambien and sleeping lowers your BP) AND IF I’M ON MY PERIOD ON TOP OF THAT….my BP will just plummet…and if I’m sleeping, there’s no chance at getting help or found or anything… I’ll just go straight to a coma. Same with hypoglycemia. Which is why I make sure ESPECIALLY ON MY PERIOD to eat something chocolate or peanut butter or both…and drink a bit of orange juice before bed…just in case. Coz being in hypoglycemic shock is scary af…the few times I have been…being TOTALLY helpless like that…totally disoriented… totally at the mercy of whomever finds you…feeling yourself slipping away…. unable to call or move for help…that’s TERRIFYING. Lemme tell you…and MY PERIOD CAN MAKE THAT 20x WORSE. JFC.

So….

Tl;Dr: Yes, I’m bleeding this month… 3 months after getting it put in. I’m having what would be considered a “normal person’s” period with a “normal person’s” symptoms…nothing I’ve ever experienced myself with my own period. So this is a fucking miracle period, but it still sucks and is still terrifying.I chose Nexplanon because no other BC (other than I’ve heard Depo does this for some people?) not only stops the bleeding/clotting COMPLETELY, but also stops ALL associated symptoms, both physical and mental/emotional/psychological. Which…almost ALL (I can’t stress ALL enough; there’s barely any that ARE NOT) symptoms associated with a period have the potential to be fatal to me, including the mental/emotional/psychological ones. So a BC that stopped them all entirely is what I needed since my parents wouldn’t consent to taking my uterus out via surgery which is what doctors recommended over and over and over again and when I became an adult, it was too costly and is STILL too costly. So Nexplanon + the T I’m going to be getting on are a beautiful combination for stopping EVERYTHING.Apparently, it is NORMAL to have a period the first few months on Nexplanon, albeit I did not experience this with my first nexplanon and only experienced true spotting ONCE with my first nexplanon the first 3+ years I had it in when my hormonal alpha female ex-gf got her fullblown period and I was living with her and her husband and sleeping in the same bed as her. I only got spotting. No associated symptoms, physical or psychological.This time around, I am having what would be considered a normal period for a neurotypical person with no uterine problems or vaginal problems or bleeding disorders (I have vaginismus, too, so that factors in somewhere).The bleeding seems to have stopped entirely today, making it last around maybe 5-6 days, which I think is the “normal” time for a “normal” person.

Most associated symptoms have left. The ones that remain are: Bloating, Breast swelling, Aching/Sore body (but that could be associated with the lupus/fibro/hyperalgesia diagnoses going on with me because the joints are the worst with sore-ness and aching),Mild, spontaneous headaches,Extreme heat sensitivity,Acne (but that could be because I literally clawed both spots open with my nails until they started gushing blood and now I keep clawing them open every morning and all the time throughout the day….so I mean..??? I’ve never dealt with acne. Idk how to deal with it. I’m just putting neosporin on at night.)

I am expecting these things to go away… The headaches, aching/soreness, and heat sensitivity could be associated with other illnesses going on with me that I’ve never dealt with before and don’t know what to expect. But I know damn well the bloating and breast swelling is from this…and I know the acne is from this, as that was confirmed by a doctor (coz I was scared about it being from something else) but I think it just hasn’t gone away because I keep clawing at it and making it bleed. If they don’t go away in a week, I’m gonna let my gyno know and see what she can do/recommends.

The first two days of this were ALMOST as rough, psychologically, as my normal period and the cramps and clotting put me in the hospital and warranted a high dosage morphine shot, 800mg of ibuprofen (and a script for it) and a hydro (and a script for it).

The ONLY thing I’m worried about recurring other than the cramps and clotting and psychological symptoms is that… I don’t know if the physical black outs are related to my period or if they are related to my auto-immune disorder (lupus/fibro/hyperalgesia) because when I first got diagnosed with a joint-related virus, where they took x-rays that showed a virus of some sort was physically eating away my joints…I was literally blacking out for a couple seconds every 5-15 minutes. That was about a month ago. Now I have almost a full solid diagnosis, but I’ve thrown two new medications into the mix (Lyrica, which I’ve never been on before, and Topamax, which this is my 6th or 7th time being on) and a lot of new things/stressors/lifestyle changes in general… but the other day. ..maybe 3 days ago now? 2? It happened again. Blacking out for very short amounts of time…approximately 10 seconds every 5-15 minutes…but towards the end of the day, I blacked out so badly that I was out for a solid 20 minutes, give or take, and since I blacked out in the kitchen, my head either hit the tile floor or a counter when I went down and since I have a bleeding disorder AND it was head wound, even though it was barely even a surface scratch at all (it’s practically healed now, 2-3 days later), it bled badly enough in those 20 minutes or so that when my roommates came home and found me blacked out in the kitchen, there was a small pool of blood around my forehead. One of them was panicking and had me in his arms and was shouting LEON! LEON! WAKE UP! LEON! OMG ARE YOU OKAY!? WHAT HAPPENED!? CAN YOU HEAR ME!? LEON!!! Meanwhile, he turns to his boyfriend while I’m slowly coming to as he’s shaking me and shouting one of my many nickname’s at me…and he tells his bf to call 911…which is when I snapped out of it (sort of) and used a Scully catchphrase and pushed myself off of my friend and held up an accusatory finger to his boyfriend and was like …quoting that artwork of Scully in the jacket that I love, saying in a very slurred voice “Stand aside! I’m a medical doctor!” Which…lmao. I started giggling. They didn’t get the reference coz they’re not Philes… But I managed to make them understand to please not call 911… That was the last time I blacked out that day…but it was for a solid 20 minutes and I had been blacking out and throwing up all day that day…experiencing both chronic AND optical migraines simultaneously… the clots were bigger than ever and I could feel the flesh being ripped from my uterine wall and slowly oozing out of my vagina. It was the worst feeling. They were almost as big as my fist at this point. And I was so lightheaded and experiencing so much vertigo…but I have been experiencing constant vertigo and lightheadedness since this virus hit me and since we started researching into it and looking into lupus and such.

SO I DO NOT KNOW IF THE BLACKING OUT IS ASSOCIATED AT ALL WITH THE PERIOD….OR IF THE PERIOD IS ASSOCIATED WITH THE LUPUS AND SUCH WHICH IS WHAT THE BLACKING OUT IS ASSOCIATED WITH…OR IF BLACKING OUT IS JUST SEPARATE….

And Idk if this period is a one time thing…or if I’m going to get it again…because, although it is nice to experience a “normal person” version of a period, it’s STILL HELL ON EARTH. It’s nice to know my life is not in danger from a normal body function…it’s still awful and my life is in danger via my psyche and how it affects me psychologically very close to the same as my normal period the first day or two days… Idk if I can overcome it and JUST hurt myself the next time I have it.

But it seems to have…stopped…now? Today?

If it happens again next month at the same level, I’m going in to my gyno to talk about other options or to see if there’s a way to get medicaid or the state to pay to get my uterus surgically removed. The state would have paid when I was 13…sigh. Idk if they will now…

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To answer your question simply? Nexplanon is supposed to stop your period and ALL associated symptoms COMPLETELY. However, as you know, every person is different and everyone will react differently. I was bleeding and did get a “normal” level period for about 5-6 days that is not entirely gone, but the bleeding has stopped now. This did not happen the first 3+ years I had my first Nexplanon. But this could be attributed to a fuckton of things going on with me (that I explained above for this reason exactly), personally, and may not have anything to do with the Nexplanon itself.

I hope that answers everything….Coz I put some thorough af work into all of that. Lmao. But if you (or anyone) needs clarification on anything or has any other questions, Nexplanon is kinda one of my maxed out skill trees that I know a whole bunch about, having had it for over 4 years already and am on my second one now. Lol. Feel free to shoot me an ask!

[edmdma.tumblr.com/ask]

Gonna attempt to tag for triggers coz this was sorta graphic if you’re not really into medical things. Tell if you’d like these kinda posts tagged with something specific.

#personal #nexplanon #nexplanon implant #implant #birth control #bc #b c #birth #control #birthcontrol #nexplanonimplant #progesterone

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