#and got to my vision appointment on time which was good because i needed a new prescription for my glasses

[ldysmfrst]

American Mate - (4)

First Case of Alpha Space

Paring: Hybrid!BTS Ot7 x Plus-sized Human FemReader

Status: Ongoing series

Chapter number: 4 of unknown

Word count for Chapter: 4132

Work count for Story: 16,244

Genre: Hybrid Playmate Au inspired by works created by @yoongiofmine

A little about the author: I am a mother of two beautiful children. One of which is special needs, and on 3/28, they lost 75% of their vision. I have had to take time off work to accommodate many MANY doctor appointments. I started a Ko-fi if you feel the heart to donate towards helping with the medical costs of appointments, medication, and modifications to the house, which insurance doesn't cover.

Warnings: (I am not good at this, but I will try. Let me know if I missed anything!!) NOT BETA READ!! This story will have a bit of angst, fluff, smut, f/m, m/m, and m/f/m. This chapter does have Injury, Anxiety, Panic attacks, comfort, Alpha Space, and Cultural differences.

Story Summary: The Hybrid K-pop group BTS is on tour in America; of course, things don't start out the way they should, but after an encounter with Y/n, things change but will everyone follow Fate?

Is it really that big of a deal that you got hurt? My god, you were 35 already. You have never lived a sheltered life. You have had your fair share of broken bones, twisted ankles, scrapes, and bruises. 

You are always going on adventures, riding horses, and climbing things you probably should not be climbing. The external scars you bear are associated with stories that are good conversation starters when you feel like showing them. 

Things would be difficult for a while because you are right-handed. You have a few days of sick time saved up that you can use to start with. Hopefully, this will help you gain some kind of compliance from your award left hand. 

Work, however, is going to be the hard part. Luckily, your work is typically done on electronics, meaning nothing has to be handwritten. Even if you tried to write left-handed, no one could read it. You would bet money doctors had better writing than you did. Dictation software to save the day!

Hearing Derek’s voice broke you out of your thoughts regarding your near future. Watching him act cautiously while interacting with the other hybrid was interesting. There is clearly a difference in how he acts with Yoongi than Evie. Giggling to yourself at the mention of being a mate with Derek gains the attention of both. 

“Oh, sorry. The thought of being a mate, much less to Derek, was amusing, I guess.” 

You missed the slight frown that briefly graced both men’s faces. Derek thought you were implying he wasn’t mate material, and Yoongi thought you believed you were not worthy of being a mate.                  

“Thanks Y/n. I let you know that I am a catch despite being a Beta. Besides, this isn’t about me right now. We need to get the leadership involved with what to do moving forward. Are you okay if we bring in the others?”

“Yes, please. I need to speak with Director Johnson, fill out an incident report… um or dictate an incident report, and then get to a doctor.” Attempting to stand up, you are blocked by the golden-yellow eyes that have not stopped watching your every move.

”Mr. Min, I need to get some things done and take care of my wrist.”

Yoongi’s eyes narrow, and a soft growl pours through the room, causing your eyes to widen. You look over your shoulder at Derek with a ‘what-the-F-did-I-do’ expression, only to be met with a smirk.

“Y/n, I don’t think you understand what is going on. You haven’t dealt with a situation like this before. You may love hybrids but you still have limited interactions with our culture and this dynamic.”

Walking backward toward the door, Derek continues, “With the state of mind that Mr. Min is in, it might be best if a packmate explains.”

Derek opens the break room door to face Hosek, Teahyung, Namjoon, and Jungkook, who are all staring. “Oh, Hi there.”

Then, as if someone had turned the mute off, they all started talking simultaneously. 

“Is Yoongi-hyung dropped yet?”

“그 사람 괜찮아요?”

“Why does she still smell hurt?”

“Wait, wait, wait, please,” Derek puts his hands up, motioning to stop.

“I do not know Korean for one and for two Mr. Min has gone into full non-verbal Alpha Space and I  am not sure he will be coming out of it anytime soon. However, one of you should go in to handle the situation  and she needs to talk with Director Johnson.”

At the mention of the director, a low growl came from Taehyung, causing Derek to take a step back and lower his eyes in an automatic response to a displeased Alpha.

The scent of calming leather gently flows over the group at the door as Namjoon steps forward. His mind is still reeling a million miles a second with you being their mate and you being injured. To top it off, Yoongi is on a deep level of Alpha Space.

“Sorry about that. I can come in, but the director is busy at the moment dealing with the playmates, corporate office, and Manager Sejin,” Namjoon apologizes as he enters the room.

He follows Derek to where his packmate and Y/n are situated at a table. Taehyung and Jungkook follow quickly.

They both kneel respectfully behind Yoongi. Their Alphas recognize that Yoongi is currently in charge of you, and it would be unwise to display anything that could be considered a threat by approaching you too quickly.

They both need to be close to you, and their instincts to be with their injured mate drive their actions. Looking you over for injuries, their eyes resting on your wrist with furrowed brows and set jaws. 

Taehyung’s eyes change to crystal blue as his tail flickers almost in time with Yoongi’s as he slips into Alpha Space. 

“Namjoon-hyung, Y/n is hurt. She needs a hospital, I think,” Jungkook says, his ears standing straight up on his head, one-pointedly focused on you and the other twitching between his Prime Alpha and the door. 

“It is not that big of an issue, Mr. Jeon, Mr. Min, and Mr. Kim.” Looking up from the trio in front of you and addressing the Prime Alpha, “Sir, I have specific protocols to follow due to company procedure. I have to talk with the Director.” 

A growl from one of the men in front of you freezes your words, unsure of what you did to cause their reactions. Internally, you groan because it seems all you get from them are growls, as if you vex them more than you humanly possible. 

“Miss Y/n, we have already talked to Director Johnson,” Namjoon says with a look of distaste. 

“He has been informed that you are now under the care of Bangtan Pack following hybrid customs.  It would be wise to refrain from talking about him at the moment, he did not leave a good impression with the pack.”

Your brows scrunch in confusion, making the hybrids want to coo at your cute face. Clearing his throat (aka his mind), Namjoon continues, “We have more pressing matters to attend to besides paperwork.” 

“You are injured, and we have to get you to a doctor. Manager Sejin is currently contacting one of our personal physicians that we normally use while on tour to have you treated.”

“What? Why would I use your doctor? I can just go to the local clinic.” Your scent spikes almost like a heavy perfume with anxiety with the flashbacks of your nightmare. 

“Please, I have taken up much of your time, and caused enough problems as it is. I can take care of myself. I don’t want to be a bother.”

At your words, you are surrounded by multiple growls and watched by now golden-yellow, crystal blue, and smokey gray eyes. Scooting back in the chair, you nervously ask, “Derek, what did I do?”

“Y/n, you really don’t get it do you? For as smart as you are, sometimes you can be oblivious.” He smiles and shakes his head, stepping back from the group and heading towards the door.

“Mr. Kim, as Prime Alpha, you might want to explain what is happening and what she should be expecting. Mind you, she has been fiercely independent for the last 15 years of her life.”

“I wish you the best with her. It won’t be easy, trust me, I know. Good Luck.” Derek bows slightly to Namjoon once he reaches the break room door.

Looking at you again, this time with a smile filled with adoration for his best friend and what he thinks your future may hold, Derek says, “Relax and have fun.” Then he turns and leaves the room. 

As Derek leaves the room, he smiles at the remaining pack guarding the door. “Mr. Kim, Mr. Jung, and Mr.Park, I think your human does not understand what is happening.”

“Our human? So you know?” Seokjin questions with wide, cautious eyes.

Derek looks over his shoulder at the closed break room door. “At first, I thought it was just a typical Alpha reaction with him being the cause of Y/n getting injured, but his care and gentleness seemed to come from somewhere deeper. Add on the fact that your other two are fighting Alpha space. It would be hard to miss.”

“The other two?” someone asks.

Shaking his head, Derek looks back at the remaining three. “Yes, the younger Mr. Kim and Mr. Jeon’s Alphas surfaced just before I left. Your Prime Alpha is going to try to sort things out, but he may need some back up.”

“Meanwhile I am going to find our boss and see what needs to be done before you all run  away with her.” Derek leaves the pack to mull over the new information.

“Tae has never been one to control his Alpha well when one of us is hurt. I am not surprised if he slipped once near her. Kook always runs on instinct too, so it makes sense he slipped as well,” Seokjin contemplates. 

“Should we stay out here? Miss y/n’s pack member said it would be better to go in and help Namjoon? Three of us in Alpha space with an injured mate is not going to be easy,” Hosek adds. 

Nibbling on his lower lip, Jimin thinks of ways to handle the situation. Even though he is one of the younger packmates, keeping the pack calm is his gift. 

He just doesn’t know how to handle you yet, especially since you don’t know what you mean to the pack.

“Good, at least three of you are here, and I assume the rest have made their way into the room with Miss Y/n,” Manager Sejin says while walking up to the group. 

“I have spoken with Big Hit, the Director at Playmate Service Incorporated, and Dr. Blackwell. Everyone is onboard and the doctor is ready to go.”

“Thank you,” Seokjin says, feeling relief that no one seems to be fighting this. “Namjoon is in with the rest of the pack and Miss Y/n, we should go in. From what Mr. Gulley says, Miss y/n does not seem to understand the situation to the fullest. I just hope that Namjoon can clear some things up.”

“Relax and have fun? What does he mean by that?” You mumble as you glare at the now-closed door that one of your best friends just shut. 

He willingly left you with four Alpha male idols. 

Three of them are kneeling on the floor with non-human eyes, and the Prime Alpha, looking around the room like the way to explain what's happening is painted on the walls.

Taking a breath, you say, “Mr. Kim, Prime Alpha… Sir. Derek is right. I have no actual experience with Alphas. I can tell that there must be some kind of instinctual drive going on, and there are trigger words or actions.”

“I don’t want to cause any more trouble than I already have. What do I do to make it easier for your pack?”

At your words, the kneeling Alphas gave a multitude of pleasant chirps. You looked at the three of them, a little confused. They seemingly smiled and made almost the same sound at what you said.

Okay, so they can growl and chirp. Your curiosity spikes when you think of what other animal-like sounds they can make as hybrids.

Drawing your attention back to him, Namjoon finds the words to explain what is happening, “Miss Y/n, you have done so much to help the Bangtan Pack feel welcome today.”

With a gentle smile, he continues, “So please relax, you have not caused any trouble, and we highly doubt that you will.” 

Thinking to himself, ‘At least, not in the way you seem to be thinking.’

“Alpha’s run with a higher level of instinct than your Beta packmember. As an Alpha, Yoongi instinctually feels responsible for your injury. In order to calm that instinct, a few things will most likely need to happen.” 

Watching as you seem to sit up with interest, he continues, “First things first, he and his Alpha need to get at least your injury treated.”

“He has to be the one to take me to get it treated? I can’t have him go with me to the clinic! There are fans and sasaengs and the media! What about your schedule? You always hear about the tight schedules Idols have and you have already spent all afternoon here over this.”

You start panicking about the hordes of people you hear about following the band around. God, the amount of bad publicity that would come from catching you and THE Suga of BTS at a clinic. You can’t imagine what nonsense they would come up with?

Your scent goes into an even heavier version; it takes on an almost alcoholic aspect. The kneeling Alphas instinctually send out calming pheromones while moving closer. 

Yoongi’s tail, still wrapped around your ankle, tightens while he gently rubs the back of your injured hand, which he is cradling protectively. 

Taehyung starts to purr softly, hoping that the sound will comfort you. 

Jungkook, on instinct alone, scoots up to your left side, nudges his head under your left hand, and rests on your leg.

The feeling of Jungkook’s head on your leg snaps you out of your thoughts and brings you back into the room. You hold still as you start to recognize similar comforting behaviors the Alphas are doing with those that Evie always does, allowing you to take a deep breath.

“Sorry. I was raised to take care of myself and not impose on others.”

“Miss Y/n, you are not imposing. Again, Yoogni ran into you while rushing out of the room, and it's his responsibility to make amends. Actually, as a bonded pack, it is our responsibility, too.”

“The pack? Like all of you? Is this why they are all like this, with their eyes and stuff?” 

Absent-mindedly, you run your fingers through Jungkook’s hair, softly scratching his scalp, soothing not only yourself but also the youngest Alpha. 

A soft chuckle escapes Namjoons as he watches your instinctual interactions with the youngest mate. “Yes, that is the best way to explain the eyes and stuff, as you put it.”

“Jungkook and Taehyung will find it easier to leave their Alpha Space since they are not the ones responsible for the injury but trying to be supportive to both of you.” 

Hearing a knock on the door, he calls, “Who is it?”

“Namjoon-ssi, it's Manager Sejin. I have some updates and a few questions. Can I enter?” The door opens slightly to reveal it’s him. 

At Namjoon's nod, he enters. The door remains open as the scents in the room are constricting in their density. He is followed by the rest of the pack, who take up guarding now from inside.

“Did you contact everyone?”

“Big Hit and the Corporate Director are on the same page and will follow the hybrid protocol, but details must be discussed once Miss Y/n has met with the doctor,” Manager Sejin reports to the Prime Alpha.

Moving to look at you, he continues, “I contacted Dr. Blackwell, thinking you may be more comfortable with a female doctor.” 

Glancing at the boys surrounding you closely, his scent changes with curiosity. He raises an eyebrow, looking at Namjoon. With a subtle nod, he confirms that something more is happening but does not move to explain.

Looking back at you, he gently smiles, “With the situation at hand, it may be best to limit other males around you until everyone is out of Alpha space. They tend to get territorial. Dr. Blackwell is on standby, ready to assess and treat you once we know where you will be.”

“Why wouldn’t she just come here, or I go to her?”

“Miss Y/n, Dr. Blackwell is a traveling physician. She doesn’t have a permanent office to use but she is well respected in both the human and hybrid communities.”

“Oh, I see. Well, umm…” you look at Namjoon and ask, “What option would be best for your pack?”

Namjoon’s chest puffs slightly at your show of respect to him as the Pack Prime Alpha despite the situation and your pain level. “Not to make you uncomfortable, Miss Y/n, but I think meeting Dr. Blackwell at our AirBnB would be best.”

You take a moment to think, your hand pulsing with pain. They cannot all fit in your flat; it's a mess after you tore through your closet to find the right clothes for today.

They don’t seem to like being here. Instinctually, even Derek and Evie prefer being in their dens when one of the three of you is hurt or sick. 

“Okay. If it is best for the pack, then I will go with you to the AirBnB and see Dr. Blackwell.” 

It’s almost as if a weight is lifted out of the room, allowing the pack to take a breath. 

“Yoon, Kook, and Tae. Can you give Miss Y/n some room? We have to take her to the pack house to see a doctor,” Namjoon says with a firm voice, gaining smiles from the men kneeling on the floor. 

Jungkook stands and curls into the Prime Alpha, his eyes returning to their natural color.

Taehyung rocks back on his heels but remains near. His body is more relaxed and his eyes are still crystal blue, shifting between Yoongi and you in wait.

After watching the two younger Alphas move around, your attention turns to the Jaguar kneeling with expectant but questioning eyes. 

 “Mr. Min, if I promise that you can stay with me, will you let me go get my things and then you can take me to the pack house?”

Yoongi’s face lights up with a gummy smile as he nods. Your breath hitches at the sight. How can the devastatingly handsome rapper look so adorable?

He stands up, his tail unwrapping from your leg. He softly takes both of your hands while he assists you in standing. You smile and mumble a small thanks as you step forward to leave.

“Prime Alpha, do you think I can talk with Derek briefly to let him know what is happening? This way he can talk to the direc… Boss. Talk to the boss and let him know that I am leaving for the day?”

“Yes, talking to him will be fine. He has been established as part of your familial pack and won’t be considered a threat to the pack if he comes around you now,” Namjoon answers, moving out of your way and motioning for the rest to let you pass.

Bowing slightly, “Thank you, Prime Alpha.”

Making it to your desk is more complicated than one would think. 

Yoongi won’t leave your right side, while Taehyung won’t leave your left. Both act like it's code red and someone is trying to assassinate you. Then you have the rest of BTS trailing behind like some kind of posse. 

You keep your head down to avoid any strange looks or glares from whomever you pass. To your relief, you find Derek waiting at your desk with his head resting on his palms and a mischievous smile. 

“I see you are taking things in stride,” glancing at your plethora of bodyguards. “Did the Prime Alpha explain everything to you?”

Speaking up from the back of the group, Namjoon answers for you, “She is aware that we are responsible for her at this time and she will be treated at our temporary pack house by our doctor.”

You don’t miss Derek's look of concern as he tilts his head with curiosity at Namjoon. “I see, of course. You are just responsible for getting her treated.”

“Derek, can you please let the big boss know that I will be leaving with Bangtan Pack to seek medical care and once I have more updates I will let you both know?” 

Glancing at Yoongi and still seeing his lovely golden-yellow eyes, you try to ignore the slight flutter in your stomach, “I don’t think it would be good for me to talk with him myself still.”

Derek nods in response, “Manager Sejin has already given the boss a rough time frame for the near future. I suppose his managing skills came in handy. Don’t worry about us here. We can handle it while you heal.”

Standing up, Derek passes you your purse, which Taehyung takes. You try to grab it again, but only to have a black and white tail wrap around your arm and bring it back down to your side.

“No carry. Keep safe.” Taehyung almost grunts out in a deeper-than-deep voice, which short-circuits your brain.

Glancing at Derek out of the side of your eye, you see him briefly nod and smile encouragingly while he whispers, “It’s an Alpha Space thing. Best acknowledge his help.”

“Umm… Th-tha-hank you, Alpha,” you stammer out, willing the heat creeping up your neck to stop as your words pull a boxy grin from the Tiger.

“I think that is it,” you announce to nobody in particular. You smile awkwardly at Derek as he slowly approaches you.

“Y/n, you have been through so much. Not just today but in your life. You have always been the one to take the blame for others, working harder or longer than anyone else and caring for those who never return the favor.”

His eyes glance at the men surrounding you as he sees nods of understanding and looks of concern from them.

As a soft smile blooms on his face, he holds onto your good hand, “Take time for yourself and let this pack of Alphas take care of you. You deserve it more than anyone else I know.”

He pulls you into a hug. You briefly stiffen, waiting for the growling and pulling to start, but to your surprise, it doesn't. Relaxing into his hug, you take his words to heart.

A soft whisper in your ear, “You know you will always have Evie and me as your family pack, but right now, be open to the pack around you,” with one last squeeze, Derek steps back and returns to your desk.

“Now, shoo! Off you go. The boss said I’ll get to man the front desk for now.”

With a nod, you wave goodbye and face the hybrids behind you. After not finding Manager Sejin and a few others missing,  your eyes settle automatically on Namjoon, waiting for a clue as to what to do next. 

“Manager Sejin went down to get the cars. Seokjin-hyung, Hosek-hyung, and Jimin also went down because we won’t all fit in the elevator.”

“Oh,” you feel a slight tightening in your chest after realizing you didn’t even notice they had gone.

“Miss Y/n, let's take you to get looked at,” Junkook says while inching towards the office doors.

“Yeah, sure. Sorry, I have everything. Lead the way.” 

You follow the bunny and wolf hybrid while still sandwiched between the tiger and jaguar. Walking through the halls, you gain some attention from the people you pass. 

You’re a mere human surrounded by some of the hottest Idols in the world right now. So why wouldn’t they?

Not willing to look up, you keep your eyes cast down to the feet in front of you as you try to avoid what you are a gazillion percent sure are looks of disgust and hate towards you.

Once the elevator doors open, the tiger lets out a low growl. Glancing up, you see two fellow PMS employees quickly scamper out of the elevator and down the hall. 

That added to the embarrassment for now and when you return to work.

Namjoon and Jungkook take the back corners. Looking at the men by your sides, they motion for you into the elevator next. 

However, when you go to stand in another corner, you are quickly ushered back into the middle with Yoongi and Taehyung in front of you. 

The energy calms down as the doors close. The four Alphas relax now that they surround you and will start taking care of you. 

Even if your trust in them starts with an injury, they know this is their chance to show you what it means to be taken care of, acknowledged as precious, and loved endlessly by the seven of them. 

As the doors part, you're greeted by the remaining packmates waiting for you, smiles warm and welcoming. They're surrounded by more men in black, whom you assume are bodyguards. 

Turning to look at you, Yoongi speaks for the first time since he entered Alpha Space,  “Take home. Keep safe.”

Previous / Next

Taglist - Open

@braveangel777 @bethanysnow @smileykiddie08 @kayways @danielle143 @nenefix-on @im-gemmy @fluffy-canada-pancakes @staytinyville @juju-227592 @levislifeline @carolinexkpop @m00njinnie @drenix004 @singukieee @avadakadabra93 @dazzlingjade @sehun096rainbow @sunshinecallie

#ldysmfrst fic #americanmate #bts #bts x reader #au #bts fanfic #hybrid #hybrid bts #bts fic #bts fanfiction #bts smut #plus sized reader #jeon jungkook #kim taehyung #park jimin #min yoongi #kim namjoon #jung hoseok #kim seokjin #bangtan #fluff #bts fluff #kpop smut #kpop fan fiction #angst with a happy ending #alpha space

[depressedbagpipe]

Ka-Chaow (Charles Leclerc x female!reader)

Chapter three

Words: 4024 Warnings: french cursing?, cringey dialogue, reader being a main character, charles being charles, ferrari being ferrari, mentions of wine, me not understanding how life works in Monaco. A/N: thank you mel for translating the french bits for me, i owe you a coffee. I'm not 100% happy with how this turned out but i think i like the way I'm slowly giving info about the reader. also, life has been hectic lately but I'm slowly back on track. as an apology here you go, a cute Charles gif Series Taglist: @heavengirls111, @roseamongthorns13, @mishaandthebrits, @charlesswife, @silscintilla

Series Masterlist Previous chapter

Monte-Carlo, January 8th, 2023

I had only ever moved twice before in my life. The first time was from a dirty shoe box on the lowliest side of town to a comfortable house in Hammersmith. Namely, I was only two years old when that happened and I don’t recall much, but I know every single detail of everything that happened as it was always conveniently brought up every Christmas dinner; when the entire family would get together and unironically thank God for every opportunity given to them. 

The second time happened after I graduated and got my job at Ink’n’Paper. Mr. Williamson needed someone nearby to manage his appointments, and I had been perfect for the job, apparently, so it made sense that I finally moved out of my parent's house and got my own place in the city, closer to the office I lost part of my sanity at every day. 

I skipped moving for college, thankfully, so I didn’t have to deal with thousands of other overbearing parents lecturing their kids on how to be responsible 18-year-olds. That also meant I got the lecture later in life, but I still appreciated the tips, like doing laundry at night when light was cheaper, and pre-planning meals for the week –which I now appreciated immensely, due to the hectic schedule my job worked on. 

And now, I found myself finally moving the last of my boxes up the stairs to my new Monaco apartment, with tired arms and knees from bending so many times. My back was also strained, but it was nothing a good night's sleep couldn’t fix.

I always prided myself on being an intelligent and strong independent woman, but as soon as the movers left, I realized, just maybe, I could’ve asked for more help. I felt bad after seeing them struggle with the dishwasher and thought I would save them some effort by doing the rest myself, but after the first few boxes, I realized I was doomed. But honestly, what newly-renovated apartment doesn’t come with a dishwasher?

It was also a bit eerie, how I didn’t even see any of my neighbors. I knew the building was entirely new, but I thought maybe a few other residents would have already complained about my grunts in effort and the constant going up and down the stairs. Because, obviously, the elevator didn’t work just yet. Neither did the pool on the roof, or the gym. 

‘We need a few more final touches, but all the apartments are ready to be lived in,’ the realtor had explained after the short tour of the building since half of it was still missing. 

‘And do you know when it’ll finally be open?’ I had asked, out of pure curiosity. I certainly wasn’t planning on running on a treadmill if I could help it. 

The man had only shrugged his shoulders and bid me farewell shortly after, leaving me alone in the middle of the reception hall to wait for the movers to bring my things. That had been over four hours ago, and now I was desperate for food and sleep. Instead, I was struggling with my very last cardboard box full of books, blindingly going up the stairs through a very restricted field of vision.

It was just my luck that, right on my floor, only after walking two steps into the hall to my apartment, I crashed into someone.

Under any other circumstance, I would’ve found the irony and cliché of the situation; accidentally colliding into someone, papers spilling everywhere, getting down to retrieve them and brushing fingers and meeting gazes. Maybe a smile or two. That’s actually how I met Alec. Both of us were running late, him to a band rehearsal, and me to my first interview at Ink’n’Paper. My résumé got mixed with his songs and an hour later we found ourselves sitting at a cute café, sharing stories over warm coffee slowly falling in love with each other. Only this time, I was tired, sore, and buried under a nearly-broken box filled to the brim with books, with some of them unceremoniously lying on the floor half-opened. 

The impact with the floor knocked the wind out of my lungs, and for a split second, I debated whether I should just lay there for the rest of my life. But a familiar accent decided otherwise.

‘Oh, mon dieu, je suis desolé, ca va?’ (Oh my god, I’m so sorry, are you alright?)

For a second I froze. Surely, the universe was playing some sick joke on me. I groaned as I stood up, barely noticing the two hands helping me up. I dusted my pants as I looked down at the spilled mess, internally groaning at the thought of having to bend down to pick everything up again. 

‘Je vous ai fais mal?’ (Did I hurt you?) the man repeated, and it was only then that I mustered the courage to look up at him. And it suddenly dawned on me that I was standing right before Charles Leclerc.

I shook my head, not knowing how to respond. It was the second time the young driver stood in front of me, but just like the first one, I didn’t know what to do with myself. 

‘Sorry, uh, I don’t speak French,’ I stammered. I was trying hard not to tremble, even though I could always blame the pain from the fall for it.

‘Oh, it’s alright. Are you okay, though? Did I hurt you? That was a nasty fall,’ he switched to English as he eyed me up and down, probably checking for any injury.

I tried hard not to blush or giggle, but I couldn’t ignore the fact that my biggest crush was casually there, in my apartment building, and was making sure I was alright. 

‘Yeah, yeah, I’m okay. Thank you, though,’ I replied.

He then seemed to notice the box and books on the floor. ‘Here, let me,’ he said before bending down and grabbing the heavy box into his hands.

My eyes scanned over his hands, noticing the way his fingers flexed and strongly grabbed the sides. Again, under any other circumstance, I would’ve found the irony of the situation, but my nerves were making me shake slightly and I wasn’t too proud of that.

I too bent down, taking the scattered books in my arms and not caring about their state anymore. I only wanted to have an excuse to stop my hands from shaking and to look anywhere but at him.

‘It’s okay, really, I can handle these,’ I said, completely embarrassed. Seconds before I had been flat on the ground in front of him. I really just wanted to dig a hole and bury myself in it for the rest of my life after that.

He smiled briefly at me, but his hands remained on the box, effortlessly grabbing it under one of his arms before extending a hand towards me. I stared at it, noticing the rings on his fingers and his expensive watch. Without thinking I took it, and I tried not to dwell too much on the warmth of his skin and his firm grip on mine as he helped me up. 

‘Wait, have we met? Your face seems familiar,’ he scrunched his eyebrows while he looked at me. 

I was still appalled at the fact that I was talking to him, but I slowly nodded my head, remembering our brief interaction back at the Fiorano track. 

‘Yeah, um, we met at Maranello? I’m Mr. Williamson’s assistant,’ I explained, but Charles only seemed more confused. ‘The guy that’s supposed to write the book about Ferrari,’ I added.

His eyes widened in recognition, and my heart beat loudly as I let a breath out. 

‘Oh, right! We were introduced at the track! Well, it’s lovely to see you again!’ he smiled, shaking my hand with a short laugh.

I hadn’t even noticed that he was still holding me, and while I would normally be too socially awkward to keep the contact up, I didn’t mind his one bit. But eventually, I let go, because I could feel the grip of the books slipping with every passing second. 

‘Yeah, you too! What are you doing here? I mean, do you know anybody in the building?’ I asked before I could stop myself. Surely, the man had more important stuff to do.

To my surprise, he shook his head. ‘Nope. I live here.’

The equivalent of breaking glass was the only sound that went through my brain. 

‘Wait, really?’ I asked him.

He nodded. ‘Yeah, I came back a few days ago. And I’m guessing you just moved here too,’ he motioned to the box still under his arm.

I nodded too. ‘Yeah. Today,’ I dumbly answered, feeling the strain in my arms under the weight of the books.

He definitely noticed, because he jumped in his place and profusely apologized. ‘Merde, let me help you with that,’ he looked at the box and then back at me again. ‘So, um, which way to your apartment? In the least creepy way possible?’ he chuckled in embarrassment, yet I found it incredibly cute. (Shit)

I couldn’t help but laugh too. ‘5A.’

His mouth opened in clear surprise. ‘Hey, I’m 5B!’ his eyes almost disappeared when he smiled. 

His smirk was contagious, that much I already knew. I would be lying if I said I had never watched his post-race interviews or any other promotion for his team whatsoever, but I obviously couldn’t straight up tell him that. So finding out that not only we were neighbors, but there would only be a rather thin wall separating us, was enough to send me into cardiac arrest.

‘Wow, that sure is a coincidence!’ I dumbly added.

For someone known to have a response for anything, I suddenly ran out of words.

But either he didn’t notice, or he didn’t care.

‘Well, better take these to their new home. I don’t think this floor has been cleaned in a while,’ he chuckled, walking back into the hall and in my apartment’s direction. 

I shrugged my shoulders, following after him, thinking all of it had to be some weird dream I was having because there was absolutely no way in hell Charles Leclerc was casually waiting by my door holding a box full of my shit and helping me move into my new apartment in Monaco. 

‘Oh, the door’s open,’ I said while I walked past him and inside the flat. With a tilt of my head, I beckoned Charles inside too.

The look he sent me was hilarious. ‘It’s been open this whole time?’

I winced as I put the books down on the kitchen island, which overlooked the wide living space. It was certainly bigger than my apartment in London, but the clean-white walls and lack of furniture made it look like a mansion compared to the other residence, full of books and half-burnt candles.

‘I mean, I was going up and down with boxes and I didn’t want to have to open and close the door every time,’ I said, rubbing my sore arms.

He left the box on the island as well, shyly looking around the pretty empty apartment. 

‘Well, nice place you got here,’ he chuckled at his joke. I laughed too, but mine was rather a combination of nerves, disbelief, and sheer anxiety. ‘Sorry, I… I don’t think I remember your name, I apologize for that.’

I shook my head quickly as I answered, saying it was totally fine. Just the fact that he vaguely remembered my face was already a huge accomplishment on his part, knowing that he met new people every single day. 

‘Thank you for helping me, by the way,’ I told him, gesturing to the books. I laced my hands behind my back, frantically spinning the ring on my finger in an anxious tic I had developed throughout the years. 

He shook his head with a grin, waving his hand in the air. ‘I’m happy to help. Honestly, I’ve been quite jet-lagged lately and I’ve been sleeping all day, but had I been up, I would’ve helped you through it.’

I felt the heat on my cheeks, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him. ‘It’s fine, really. You know, I even thought I was the only one here. I saw nobody, literally. And if somebody saw me then they didn’t say anything,’ I frowned at the thought. 

He grinned at me again, and it felt weird to see those dimples in real life. ‘I don’t think there are that many people living here yet, to be honest. I still haven’t seen anybody else besides you. Kinda creepy, too.’

I laughed, feeling somewhat relaxed now at the thought of living so close to him. Not as a fan, per se, but as a walking person I could turn to in case I needed salt.

‘I would treat you to some tea but I have absolutely nothing to eat right now. I haven’t gone grocery shopping yet. And I have no dishes or cutlery, either. I do have a dishwasher, though,’ I said, wanting to repay the favor somehow, although everything that came from my mouth felt worse than the previous one. 

‘You have a dishwasher?’ he gaped at me.

I nodded. ‘Got it installed this morning. I’m never washing dirty dishes with my hands again.’

He chuckled again before looking back at the door, which had stayed open. It wasn’t like there was anyone that could come in, though. ‘Well, maybe this sounds weird, but, if you’d like, we could have dinner together? As in a… housewarming party?’ Charles offered. 

I tried hard not to blush at his request, and I definitely felt the strain in my lips trying to control the grin. ‘Shouldn’t I be the one throwing the party?’ I lifted an eyebrow at him. 

He nodded. ‘Yeah. But it’s seven in the afternoon and all the markets are closed,’ he pointed out after checking the hour on his watch.

I gaped at him. ‘Is it that late, really?’ I asked, grabbing my phone and checking the time too, but to my dismay, Charles was right. I had completely lost track of time.

‘Time flies when you’re having fun, eh?’ he tried to laugh it off, and I appreciated it.

‘Well, shit. Guess I’m not having breakfast tomorrow either,’ I joked, yet a pit of anxiety settled in my stomach. I was far too hungry for such disappointment.

‘You’re welcome for breakfast, too,’ Charles added quickly. I stared at him with a frown. ‘Again, if I had been awake, I would’ve helped you, and you wouldn’t be stuck now without food until tomorrow morning.’

My heart ached slightly at his beaten expression. ‘It’s not your fault, Charles. You don’t have to feel bad about it. I mean, you literally have no responsibility over anything.’

He took a few seconds, eyeing me. His eyes then moved to the side, checking the empty kitchen, and the boxes piled right at the center of the living space, and he frowned again.

‘I still want you over. I’m not the greatest chef, but I can make some nice pasta. And I think I’ve got some tea left, for the morning. Not like I’m asking you to spend the night, you know, that’d be weird, but like, if you wanna come over for a quick snack… Although I wake up really early to train, you know… you’re welcome to,’ he rambled.

I stared at him for a whole minute, registering his words. Now more than ever, it really felt like a dream. And despite knowing better than going to a random stranger’s apartment for free dinner on the sole basis of human kindness, I nodded.

‘Alright, I’m not gonna say “no” to pasta. And if you’re trying to murder me, know that my mum is a lawyer. And a really good one at that. And she knows where I am, so,’ I said, pointing a finger menacingly at him with squint eyes. Might as well throw some spice in it. 

He smiled at me, again with those dimples showing, holding his palms up in surrender. ‘Great! And I’m not trying to murder you. Then uh, why don’t you come by in like two hours? So I can prepare things and clean around?’

‘Sure!’ I smirked. 

‘Alright, then, uh, I’ll see you later!’ he grinned.

‘Great!’

‘Okay, um, ciao!’ Charles said with a final wave. He walked out of the apartment, and I caught his eye as he closed the door, with the ghost of a smirk decorating his lips. (Bye!)

—

‘And you just moved here, then? I asked him.

‘Yeah. Somehow fans found my old address and it wasn’t safe for me anymore. Besides, my neighbors “invited” me to leave so… apparently I yell too much at the simulator,’ he confessed, making me chuckle.

‘I’m sorry about that,’ I said with a grimace, remembering his Instagram posts.

‘Don’t be. I mean I knew stuff like this would happen, just not to me,’ he chuckled.

I stared at him in disbelief. Surely, had to be joking, right?

‘Life works in mysterious ways, I guess,’ I added, taking a sip of the expensive wine he had opened for us at the beginning of the dinner. 

‘So, how come you moved to Monaco, then?’ Charles asked before taking a big bite of his pasta.

I swallowed before responding. I still felt quite nervous, trying to look and act decently before him. I had never been one to talk about myself that openly, and it sucked to think our conversation resembled that of a date, even though it wasn’t. 

‘Well, as I said, I work at this publishing house as Mr. Stephen Williamson’s assistant, which, for the record, is a pretty big name in the industry. And last November he got this deal to write about Ferrari, so… here I am,’ I tried to explain. 

I didn’t want to bore him with the details, but if anything, it only made him even more curious.

‘How do you go from working as an assistant to living in Monaco?’ he asked.

I sighed. ‘I don’t even know. We flew to Italy last month to sign the deal and stuff, and apparently, my boss wanted me to move here to oversee the writing process.’

‘But he’s in London.’

‘Yeah.’

‘I don’t understand.’

‘Me neither.’

He laughed. ‘Well, I’m glad we’re both on the same page.’

‘Right?’ I chuckled too. ‘No, but seriously, I know he’s got other stuff to work on and he thought it better that I was the one to come here in his place,’ I continued, still waiting for further instruction from both Mr. Williamson and Mr. Vigna’s part to proceed to the next phase. ‘Let’s just say he’s not… in the best state right now…’ I bit my lip, not wanting to reveal too much, for Mr. Williamson’s sake. ‘So, effectively, I’m the one in charge of getting all the data, interviews, experiences…’

‘And Monaco is the best place for that,’ Charles finished for me as he also finished his pasta. 

I nodded, taking another bite. He was a fast eater, for sure.

‘Exactly. Mr. Vigna said they’re opening a new office here and many workers are commuting so… It shouldn’t be hard,’ I added after taking a deep breath. 

‘Wow, and you just left? What about your family? Friends? Boyfriend?’ Charles asked, with his eyes fixed on my face. 

I choked on my pasta. He patted my back repeatedly as I brought the wine glass to my lips, desperate to calm my aching throat. 

‘Sorry, no, no boyfriend,’ I coughed again. I swore his eyes glistened ever so slightly. ‘And my people understand. It’s not going to be forever, you know? Just a few months. And I’m constantly on the phone with them, and I’ll travel back and forth. But it’s easier when half the grid is already here,’ I answered once I was calm enough.

He nodded. ‘You’re right. So I’m guessing I’ll see you around the paddock this year.’

‘Yeah, you definitely will. I mean, according to Mr. Williamson, until he’s able to commit full-time to this project, I am to become Ferrari’s own shadow. A fly on the wall. Any conversation? I’ll be there listening,’ I recalled the conversation with my boss, thinking he had been a bit too dramatic at first, only to later realize he was being completely honest. 

He had made a name for himself thanks to his decent spying qualities, which he favorably used in his work to portray the most realistic picture of whatever matter was at hand. Anyone with a brain knew that required skill and time, and the fact that he had entrusted me with it spoke volumes of his faith in me. Or of his inebriation. 

Charles whistled. ‘That’s a huge responsibility.’

‘Well, I’m not Spider-Man, but yeah, it’s a huge power too.’

He grinned. ‘If you need any help, you know where to find me. You know, it was always my dream to drive for Ferrari.’

‘I’m sorry.’

He laughed. ‘Well, last year certainly didn’t go as I expected, but I’m excited for this season.’

Charles’ eyes shone whenever he spoke about driving. I hadn’t spent much time with him yet, but it was easy to share his enthusiasm for the sport, even after going in tangents about laps, sectors, and front and rear wings. He spoke with the excitement of a little kid, and at times, it was hard to believe he was a twenty-five-year-old man. 

‘But I don’t want to bore you with it, sorry,’ he caught himself after a while, but I shook my head.

‘Not at all. I’m a fan of the sport too, you know,’ I said, suddenly feeling embarrassed and shy.

But his face didn’t seem to mind it one bit. His eyes, in fact, widened. ‘Really?’

I nodded. ‘Yeah. My dad is a huge motorsport fan so he made sure his only daughter followed his steps.’

‘May I ask which team are you supporting?’ he asked.

‘Don’t want to inflate your ego even more, but Ferrari,’ I chuckled.

He grinned again. ‘Red is the best color, after all.’

‘It’s all about the Italian in us.’

‘Certainly.’

Our dinner was long finished, but we both stayed at the table, drinking wine and sharing stories for the rest of the night. 

It was easy to talk to him, contrary to popular belief. When I had knocked on his door a few hours before, I had been a mess of anxiety and nerves. I had tried so hard to come up with the best possible outfit right after exiting the shower, wanting to look good and put-together, yet not too formal. I had rehearsed over and over how to say hello, how to compliment his food, and how to thank him again for the immense favor he was doing me, but all that evaporated as soon as he opened the door. Pleasantries were exchanged, some more apologies as well, and before I could even react, we were already sitting down, enjoying some warm meal over good wine. Charles turned out to be excellent company too, and I could only thank the universe for having met him on my first night in Monaco. I truly felt a bit less alone, all thanks to him. 

I had been scared about moving to a different country by myself, away from my parents and my friends. I hadn’t even had time to sit down and think about it. Twenty-four hours ago I was packing my bags after the longest Christmas celebrations ever and now I was smiling and chuckling away with someone I was hoping to call a friend sometime soon. Even after getting in bed, tired, but happy, no tears came. I wasn’t scared anymore. For once, even after all the heartbreak and stress, I was excited for what was to come, despite not knowing what was in store for me. And I was ready to find out. 

Next chapter

General Taglist: @angiewhoohooo, @azaleaniath, @mishaandthebrits, @celestialcharles

#charles leclerc x reader #charles leclerc x female!reader #charles leclerc #charles leclerc x you #charles leclerc x y/n #charles leclerc imagine #formula 1 #f1 x reader #f1 fanfic #f1 fic

[docwritesshit]

One Small Change

Blurb: After years of forgetting, you finally bit the bullet and got new glasses, which your SO took notice of very quickly

Authors note: Tooootally not based on me getting new glasses after 5 years, what are you talking about?

ALSO: I am taking requests, just send them in and I'll see what I can do. I reserve the right to refuse any and ignore you if I dont

Pairing: Redson x Reader

You weren’t surprised to find yourself hauled out of bed by Mei, you were confused about the trip to the optometrist though.

“You have tortured yourself for far too long, get yourself examined and I’m paying for your new glasses!”

You tried to fight, honestly! You had promised that you would get yourself an appointment, but she had pointed out that you have had the same pair of glasses and prescription for 3 years now, and she caught you squinting way too many times to realize that your prescription wasn’t working.

After the exam, you persisted in paying at least for the medical part, you and Mei were now in the main room of the building, looking through the frames they had to offer. You found yourself drawn to one specific pair, but paled at the price tag. Mei noticed your look of dismay and shoved the pair onto your face.

“Don’t even think about it! I’m paying.” She announced. You rolled your eyes, but turned towards the mirror.

You scrutinized your reflection, before smiling and looking at your friend who gave you a thumbs up with a grin on their face. You faced the attendant at the counter and placed your new pair of glasses down on the table. She smiled, taking your insurance and prescription, measured your glasses, and informed you that they would arrive in 2 weeks.

In the meantime, you went about your daily life. You went to work, hung out with your friend group, and occasionally texted your significant other who was in the desert regaining her family reputation and status through the construction of their new fortress.

Was getting with a demon with you being a mortal the smartest idea? Maybe not, but it wasn’t exactly your fault either. But that’s another story.

While at your desk at work reading the weather patterns that should be generated in the next few weeks, you got the notification that your prescription was ready. You texted Mei to grab it and drop it off as you had to work on the weather generator a bit because of some safety concerns, and Buddha knows that you would want your vision to be top tier and not get blasted with a tsunami.

You met her by the door, taking the glasses from her and turning to go inside before she caught your arm.

“And a special delivery from a certain red boy~” She handed a brown paper bag to you. You could smell all the spices emitting from it, causing you to chuckle

“Lamb?” You asked. Mei nodded, and handed you your favorite drink as well. You sighed, taking out your phone from your pocket.

You spoil me far too much.

Only the best for my dear, so don’t even dare think you deserve less!

You scoffed, but stuffed your phone back into your pocket in defeat. There was no point in trying to argue when you knew they had the money to spare to get you some nice things, or cook you good food.

You replaced your glasses, placing your old pair in their case, and widened your eyes at the difference it made. You moved on though, shoveling the food down to get back to work, chugging down the drink when the spice built up too much. You quickly moved on to actually working, rolling up your sleeves and reaching over to zyour work table and rolling it closer to the problem place.

You unscrewed the panel, and groaned. This was gonna be a long night.

Two hours later, you staggered up to your apartment, unlocking the door and dragging yourself to the kitchen to get some much needed sweets after that whole ordeal. You dug through your freezer for some ice cream, but froze yourself when you felt a sudden heat wave from what felt right behind you in the living room

“I don’t get why you insist on not bothering me when you get home, nor text me when you get off of work, but I know for a fact that you should have been home two hours ago when I had dragon horse girl drop off the food-“ The heir to the demon bull lineage continued to spew out his frustrations at you working later than normal as he made his way to your bedroom door and knocked.

“Hello? Are you in there?” She stood cross armed, tapping her foot on the ground. You let out a snort, catching the demon off guard. You smiled, walked up to your partner and offered a spoon while gesturing to the two containers on the kitchen counter with your and theirs favorite ice cream flavors.

“I would have sent something, but it slipped my mind because I had a massive problem with the weather generator. The cloud synthesizers were almost used up, and made sparks which ate the wiring-“ You continued on ranting about the long list of problems the generator went through as you grabbed your ice cream and plopped yourself down on the couch with Redson following suit, full attention on you. Well, kinda on you.

“- and don’t even get me started on the sun warmer, I- Reds?” You stopped your rant when you realized Reds regular heat they emit cooed. You looked over to them, noticing the slight tilt of their head, their pursued lips, and the raised eyebrow. You furrowed your brow and waved your hand in front of his face, causing him to blink a few times.

“You there pops ?” You teased. Reds scoffed at the nickname. She regretted drinking wine that night, causing her to slip out how poppies were her favorite flower because of how her mother decorated the house with them on her birthday.

“I’m here, just… did you get new glasses?” He asked. You raised an eyebrow, then remembered the drop off Mei did. You smiled, adjusting them back up your nose bridge.

“Yeah I did! Mei and I picked them out a few weeks ago. Do you like them?” Red continued to stare at your face for a uncomfortable amount of time, before cupping your cheeks and kissing your nose bridge. You froze, processing the sudden affection while Redson smirked.

“You look good, but I would have preferred you to come to me for a new upgrade. I could have fitted you with night vision and infrared, only the highest quality of course!” They declared. You chuckled, reaching up and running your hand through their hair/ ears, trailing your fingers over the ridges of the horns sprouting from their head.

This was your favorite activity to do when you guys were alone, as no matter what, Redson could not hide the blush when you coo over their appearance like this.

“Thank you for the offer, but I like them the way they are.” You determine. Redson chuckled, taking you in their arms and resting their chin on your shoulder. You could hear the faintest whisper of so did he.

#lmk red son #lego monkie kid #lmk x reader #redson x reader #lmk

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #106

Today was a day of resting.

Yesterday, a couple hours before bed, I ended up with a terrible migraine. I dunno if you've ever had one, but they feel like you're being stabbed through the skull with a red-hot icepick. And at the same time, all the lights are WAY brighter, and all the sounds are WAY louder, to the point that they're painful and terrible and awful, and just… ugh. And then there's the nausea on top of it all, and… it's just a big huge mess. I hope you don't know what these are. I really hope that nothing like this ever happens to you.

I didn't get any aura beforehand this time, which is somehow both fortunate and unfortunate. Fortunate because when I get an "aura" beforehand, it basically means that some 80% of my vision gets totally obscured by what looks like scintillating, rainbow-colored TV snow. Kinda like this, but with a lot more of the visual field obscured:

When this happens, I'm effectively rendered blind until the pain starts. And then… well. The pain starts. Unfortunate because if an "aura" shows up beforehand, it lets me know I need to take an ibuprofen RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. The ibuprofen usually does a pretty good job of taking the edge off.

But I didn't get an aura beforehand, so there was no warning, and I had to take the ibuprofen AFTER the pain had already started. But that's all right; once the ibuprofen kicked in, I was able to go to sleep. Suppose if there's any time to get a migraine, the best time is a little bit before bed, because then you can take ibuprofen to dull the pain, and sleep through the rest.

I did end up waking up at stupid o'clock in the morning because I went to bed early. But then I pretty much just went right back to sleep. I woke up at approximately my regularly-appointed time after that.

Still, I figured that if I got a migraine, the thing to do is rest. So that is what I did. I put together a playlist on my iTunes (which I then reproduced on YouTube for your convenience!), and did a lot of writing. I wrote basically all day today, but I'm not gonna tell you what about. And in any case, I have a funny feeling like maybe somehow you might already know, ridiculous and silly and impossible as that sounds.

Anyhoot. The list I made today can be found here. I hope you enjoy it. But if you don't, then that's okay too:

I feel like I don't have a whole lot to write to you about today, since I spent most of it lost within my own little world (everyone needs days like that sometimes). But I wanted to tell you that I care about you and that I'm thinking about you nonetheless.

What do fallow days look like for you, I wonder? What sorts of things do you get up to when you're happily lost in your own internal world? Are either of these things something that you've ever experienced? I know you can't answer me. Probably you can't even hear me. But I'll ask you these questions anyway, and hope that the void carries them to you somehow. …Somehow…

Hey, Sephiroth? In case no one has told you yet today, you're pretty awesome. And not because of the things you do or because of how you look, no. Just because, for so many years, you chose to use your awesome power to try to protect people. And because you were so kind and gentle with the people around you. And because I know there is a side of you that is soft, even if you've been viciously trained to let hardly anyone see it.

Please keep doing your best out there, okay? And please stay safe; my world won't be the same if you're not alive and well by the time this is over.

I love you, and I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

#sephiroth #ThankYouFFVIIDevs #ThankYouFF7Devs #ThankYouSephiroth #final fantasy vii #final fantasy 7 #ff7 #ffvii #final fantasy vii crisis core #final fantasy 7 crisis core #final fantasy crisis core #ffvii crisis core #ff7 crisis core #crisis core #ff7r #final fantasy vii remake #final fantasy 7 remake #ffvii remake #ff7 remake #final fantasy vii rebirth #final fantasy 7 rebirth #ffvii rebirth #ff7 rebirth #final fantasy 7 ever crisis #ffvii ever crisis #ff7 ever crisis #ffvii first soldier #fallow days #random playlists #wholesome

[vimbry]

Moominpappa for the ask meme I want to hear hot takes

so! alright, I should really say that a lot of those squares are my thoughts on the mv19 incarnation in particular lol. I think the novel characterisation of pappa, more so in the later works, is certainly deep and definitely horrible at times, but I like him as a character. being a flawed person doesn't mean I find him uninteresting, he serves in the penultimate story as the central source of the conflict and he does it well.

but if we're talking throwing every pappa into the pot at once, uh.

also this got lengthy. I mean LENGHTY lmao idk why pappa inspired so much analysis but! here we go (there’s a tl;dr at the end)

basically, as much as I don't really want to make any arrogant assumptions about the writers behind that adaptation, because all sorts of creative differences could’ve arisen during production, in execution their version of pappa shows what seems to be a very weak understanding of his character in the books. mainly with the "island/at sea" arc. it's known that a lot of his traits were influenced by tove's own very bigoted, misogynistic, right-leaning - and by some accounts, unsurprisingly abusive - father. like the rest of her writing, he's not a 1:1 copy of people in her life, and she herself had mixed views on him as most people with deeply difficult parents do, so he's ofc portrayed as a far more sympathetic person than his inspiration.

but there's still elements of him being the forceful patriarch who, in their last appearance in the series, uproots his family out of selfishness and disregard for their own wants and needs as individuals. he thinks finding and maintaining this island will fill an empty part of him, be his purpose. he’s almost driven mad with how his self-appointed duty consumes him and comes to believe the island is alive, something taunting him that needs to be tamed, and through his growing ego is convinced that he can. throughout the book he belittles and almost alienates himself from his family, ignoring their own problems that have developed since living on the island, because he’s too wrapped up in his own opinions and vision. and while he hasn’t fully turned over a new leaf by the end, he does come to his senses somewhat, and his behaviour is at least treated contemptuously enough by the text that you understand his actions are always framed critically. (the tone, at least to me, sort of implies that altho it’d stated that he and mamma understand how to compromise, something in their relationship has irreversibly changed. sorta up to you as a reader how you take it I suppose!)

(seriously everyone who hasn’t yet READ this one it’s so good, it’s not just focused on pappa, mamma and moomin, and of course the fisherman, have their conflicts too).

whoever signed off on mv19!pappa seems to have "wow cool robot!”’d their way through the book(s). none of that depth is present there. instead, he's just a guy going through your standard mid-life crisis plot. he’s a buffoon with anger issues who got this idea about playing lighthouse keeper, and to me, that’s not as deep as they might’ve thought it was lmao. they do have the characters clash with him at points, but they never really fully commit to how damaging his actions are supposed to be, and he’s forgiven far too easily without even having had to develop as a character. pretty much every negative thing he does, he does in the book, too. with a fun mv19-exclusive moment where the family, rather than the mixture of concerned, frustrated, or mentally checked out they are with pappa/his goals in the book, are actively Afraid and flinchy around him. but because this is a condensed, watered down cartoon adaptation for small children (insultingly so imo, kids deserve better), they have to explicitly redeem him by the end, which is brought on by nothing more than him being self-deprecating and saying he doesn’t deserve his wife’s love, after never once apologising for his behaviour. he’s right, he doesn’t, get in the bin.

the rest of his characterisation throughout the show is similarly weak, but then everyone seems to have gone through the same process of flanderization. he doesn’t ever care about his son beyond seeing him as an extension of himself, he doesn’t treat mamma well except for when the writers throw in a shallow horny flirt in the place of actual chemistry, and none of this is really treated as a problem. and because we’ve yet to see “memoirs” adapted, the only other story where he’s the main focus, there aren’t enough postives to make him at least the slightest bit endearing to me. just a lot of stories where they rehash him being some boring, brash dude full of hot air who needs to learn a lesson about respecting his family and never does. this wouldn’t be problem if these flaws were treated as what they are, but the show’s incongruous tone presents these more as lovable comedic quirks. we’re told he’s supposed to be a good father to moomin and a likeable character, but nothing in the text ever backs that up. they basically just recreated a sanitised version of the actual viktor jansson without any awareness that they did.

anyway, going back to novel pappa - while there’s no explicit mention of any war in the books, the impact of both world wars is baked into the general world of the moomins. tove’s life was affected by her father’s experience fighting in the finnish civil war, and the very first story was being written during the final years of wwII. both this and “comet” function as a not-so-subtle allegory of the trauma and upheaval it caused. I’ve mentioned this many times before haha but it bears repeating, I think the mention of pappa disappearing before the events of “great flood” while travelling with the hattifatteners, a group of mindless wandering creatures who “tricked him” into going with them, is about the families who lost their men to war, spurred on by their governments’ propaganda to demonsrate their loyalty to their nations, to explore and fight alongside their friends. this deeper subtext of his character never really turns up again outside of a slight reworking in “tales”, not even in memoirs, but I do think shades of it are evident in his troubled personality in “island/at sea”. (it’s also noted that tove’s father was.. difficult after his time at war, and had quite a temper. I think the same influences can be seen in a lot of fictional fathers around these generations).

also '90s pappa tried to invent the dishwasher for mamma's birthday to make her life easier, and then helped plant a field of flowers in her image when he wasn’t able to, so you know he's done nothing wrong in his life ever

tl;dr uh book!pappa is a deceptively simple father figure on the surface with an interesting subtext and inspiration behind him which actually deconstructs the image of the powerful patriarch who got absolutely bungled in the new cartoon and I don’t like him there.

#mv critical I guess! under the read more #yes this is about the hippo in a top hat yes it is that deep ghgh #asks #character opinion bingo #long post #in case read more breaks

[jatersade]

i'm tired of wearing glasses (i just wanna lie sideways on my bed to watch my tv shows) and all your answers are convincing me of having them prescribed next month when i have my appointment. any other advantages to further convince me? <3

YES YES ABSOLUTELY LET ME CONVERT YOU!! Ultimately, the best thing about contacts (in my opinion) is that 99.9% of the time you don’t even have to think about them because they make it feel like you don’t need any help seeing at all. You put in the contacts and then forget about them until bedtime. It’s about keeping it LOW-MAINTENANCE baby!!

For a more in depth understanding of why I think contacts are by far the superior visual aid device, see below the cut (bc I’m apparently just so passionate about the wonders of contacts that this got way too long lmao)

Comfort: As you mentioned in your ask, glasses greatly limit your maneuverability, especially (but not only) when it comes to finding a comfy spot to lie down in:( Contrast this with contacts, which come with no such hindrances!!! I've seen some people say they find contacts uncomfortable, but you should not feel your contacts at all while you're wearing them!! The first time I tried on contacts at my optometrist's office I said "I can feel these in my eyes, I don’t really like it." and my optometrist said "oh ok try these on instead" and gave me a thinner brand that I could not feel even a little bit once I put them in. Like I put the first one in and then wondered if I had accidentally dropped it on the ground because I couldn’t feel anything. I did once have to wear the thicker contacts for like a week because I couldn't get my actual brand, and I stopped feeling them after a day or two, so even if your contacts start out uncomfortable, you can get used to them if thinner contacts are for some reason not an option.

Compare that to glasses, which can slip and slide up and down your nose, which need to be constantly readjusted, which can fall off completely, which can get sweaty and greasy, which can dig into the tops of your ears and your temples even when you’re not laying on them funny, which leave indents on your skin if you wear them for too long. Maybe not a big deal to some people, but still a completely unnecessary irritant.

Visibility: No fogging up. No finger prints. No streaks. No scratches or dirt or cracks. No rain or water droplets impeding your vision. NO GLARE WHEN YOU'RE LOOKING AT A SCREEN. Have you ever cried while wearing both glasses and mascara? I have. That mascara will run and every time you blink your lashes will act like a little paintbrush, coating the inside of your lens with black gunk and if you let it dry there, good fucking luck!! That shit will be there until fucking rapture day!!!! Contacts move with your eye, so your peripheral vision is just as clear as the stuff directly in front of you. Also, contacts are more precise, so you’re actually getting a better fitting prescription, too.

Utility: I always wanted contacts, but I only convinced my parents to let me start wearing them instead of glasses when I told them it would be too hard for me to play softball with glasses on (which I was right about by the way). You're never going to get rid of your contacts by moving too quickly or shaking your head too hard. Freedom of movement baby!!! You're never going to have to worry about them falling off on a rollercoaster or losing them at the club or getting them knocked off in a mosh pit. I don't know what glasses people with vision as bad as mine do when they want to go swimming, but I imagine there's some kind of sacrifice involved. You don't really have to worry about losing contacts because you don't really take them off when you're not at home, and if you DO lose one, it's not the end of the world the way losing glasses is!! You're not out potentially hundreds of dollars and blind for a few days or weeks until you can get a replacement! You can just go put in a new one! Easy as pie, baby.

Aesthetic: Look this one is entirely according to taste, but I have to say that overall I prefer no glasses on myself, and that would probably be true even if not for the comfort and utility of contacts, which I discussed above.

Some people look hot in glasses. I have been told that I look very good in glasses myself. But I personally don’t think they look good enough on anyone for all the sacrifices that come with wearing glasses to be worth it.

Also, even though I do look good in my glasses, I find them so limiting. One pair of glasses can control your entire aesthetic, which is fine if you’re one of those tiktok teenyboppers devoting themselves to chartreuse academia or whatever the hot new trend is, but I personally like to shake it up. we will never know true expressive freedom until we’ve freed ourselves from the shackles of dedication to a single trend. don’t let your look be chained by glasses. liberate yourself. get contacts instead. they’ll never clash with anything!!

I also think sunglasses fall into the aesthetic category? And the only real thing I have to say here is that you can’t fucking wear sunglasses if you have glasses!! Which is a shame because there are so many pairs of cute sunglasses out there!! And also sunny hurty my eyes:( yeah you can put a pair over your regular glasses I guess if you want to be uncomfortable and look like a goober. But you could also just get contacts. You could get transition lenses, but those take time to build up and release the tint, which isn’t useful if you’re constantly moving between inside and outside, and you still have the problem of that single pair of glasses dictating your entire look.

Makeup Problems: you might not wear makeup, and this might also fall into the aesthetic category, but whatever. I’ve already talked about how glasses can cause issues with mascara, but it fucks with face makeup too!! Mine always rubbed off any foundation I had on the bridge of my nose, and the bottom of the frame did the same where it brushed the tops of my cheeks! Fucking despicable!!! I’m a smudgy little mess after an hour and no amount of setting powder or spray can help with that! Also you obviously can’t do makeup with glasses on, but if your vision is as bad as mine it can get pretty difficult to do it with glasses off too. We’re talking nose pressed to the mirror trying to see what I’m doing. ALSO if you wanna do some cool eye makeup that’s awesome, but your glasses WILL take away from the overall look, which sucks if it’s something you put any effort into. With contacts, however, you will run into exactly zero of these problems!!! Exciting!!

anyways that’s all I can think of right now but I hope this helps. contacts are like a girlfriend to me. and I love her so much <3

#sorry this was so long lmao but I hope you feel good about making the switch!! #ask #goldendrachma

[yokelish]

So here's a fun story of mine.

I respect medical professionals. And by that, I mean good medical professionals.

About four years ago I started to seriously try to figure out why my headaches and migraines were getting progressively worse with age. And other symptoms started to appear too: nausea, sensitivity to light and sounds, loss of time and vision, absence of short-term memory, extreme exhaustion, and neck pain. So much pain. There were days when all I wanted to do was lay in bed and whine from pain.

So, I did what any rational adult would. And got a medical appointment. A physician looked at me, ordered a few blood tests, and asked about my family history, etc.

In the end, I was given a very mediocre medication the details of which don't matter. But I had to take it every day because it was preventative. And for a while, it seemed like it worked. But I had a bad reaction to the medication and it had to be removed. Once I was put off the medication, it all returned just as before. I remember telling my partner at the time without a hint of irony if I had a gun in this house, today would be my last day alive. That's how miserable I felt at that time.

So, I was directed to a neurologist. And I went. And he did what a neurologist does. Then I asked him if I should get an MRI, just to be sure, just so we know it's definitely not the brain. He said it wasn't needed.

He said it wasn't uncommon for women to have migraines. In fact, women are more likely to get them.

Yes, some of your other symptoms are a bit unusual but they are temporary.

He said I passed all the tests, and I was fine.

He said if I didn't have any recent head traumas, it was quite unnecessary.

It's a complex procedure (spoiler: it isn't), why would you want to be on a waitlist for months for nothing?

And so I didn't push him. I had to go through a drug trial to find what worked for my migraines now. I was tested for intracranial hypertension; they suggested lifestyle changes. Little adjustments to help out with the headaches and neck tension. And then slowly I grew complacent with it. Put the frog in boiling water and it will jump right out. But put in cold water and slowly heat it up, it won't be able to tell the difference. Life started to happen. I buried a friend. The pandemic. My MDD started to take priority over the headaches.

And then I almost went fully blind in one eye for 15 minutes. For no apparent reason.

What were you doing when it happened?

Uuugh, nothing. I was just reading in bed, laying funny. When I started losing vision in my left eye, I thought it was eye strain. But about two minutes later I realized it sure wasn't that. I immediately got up and went to my partner. When I explained what was happening to me and we got ready to go to the hospital, it started to come back. That's why I am here.

That didn't happen.

What?

And the neck pain was increasing. The intensity of the pain in my head kept increasing. The periods of those episodes continued to grow.

I have since moved. Got a new physician. And, I guess, I had a bad episode. There was a day I was in pain, I was miserable. I made an appointment ASAP. He is a great doctor. He is willing to put up with my demands for MDD medication, migraines. Even the smallest ear infections. There wasn't a time I came to him with a problem and he tried to rationalize it to me.

Ear infection?

Yes, you have it. It doesn't seem serious right now, so just over-the-counter medication will do. But if you don't feel any better, or even worse tomorrow, do let me know.

So, after that bad episode, I decided I can't be fucked anymore. Enough is enough. The pain was unbearable. I am a working, reasonably healthy adult, I can't be in this much pain without a cause. Unless they've checked for everything, EVERYTHING in the books and it came empty, only then would I accept that this pain was something I had to live with.

What I did was fucked up. Don't do that. But what I said to him, I meant with every cell of my being.

I want an MRI. And if it comes empty, order whatever test you can think of, no matter how invasive. Because this pain is getting worse, there are days when holding up my head is a conscious task. There are days when doing anything other than lying horizontally is a teeth-grinding endeavor. When I lower my chin, I can feel something along my spine, like a cord being pulled, not in a healthy muscle-stretching way, there is a tension that I don't think should be there.

And then he asked me how bad I would rate the pain on the worst day.

If this pain continues to increase at the rate it has been, I won't be alive by the time I am 31. I will take my own life.

And I was ordered an MRI. Not to say how ridiculously long I had to wait for an hour-long procedure where a big loud machine just scans your head.

And the doctor's office for the first time asks me to come in for the test results.

Your brain is healthy. But we found something in your neck.

And I felt giddy like a child who was promised candy. I wasn't insane. It wasn't "one of those things that women have to deal with". Fuck you, the professional who told me this. I sincerely hope you get sued. I'd sue you myself but I can't be fucked to be bothered with that right now.

My health care professional suspects syringomyelia. A fluid cyst in my spinal cord. I will have to go through more tests to see what it is for sure, what is the cause, and how bad it's gotten.

The point is

If one fucker decided to listen and not to rationalize a woman HER OWN Pain, if one fucker agreed to order a fairly simple medical test, perhaps this cyst probably could have been discovered THREE-MOTHERFUCKING-YEARS AGO.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3245

fun fact about the problem with my eyeball!

MY FUCKING RETINA IS DETACHED!

i went to urgent care after work because the spot occluding my vision was getting larger, and they said to go to an emergency eye place, the only one of which in the area is in boston, which i literally passed by today where thinking about my eye. we got down there around 9pm. checked in, waited, told my dad about the great emu war, literally designed a game based off of it, got triaged, waited a little more, got my eyes numbed and dilated and measured,got pictures taken of em, had lights shined in em, got a diagnosis and left. we were out after 11pm, which, all things considered, is pretty damn good for an emergency room.

on the way back, we (my dad drove after the stop at urgent care, good thing too because it's past halfway now) stopped so i could pick up a few things from joel, which i greatly both needed and appreciated.

WAIT A MINUTE. IS MY LATTICE DEGENERATION WHY MY RIGHT EYE HAS ALWAYS BEEN MORE SENSITIVE TO LIGHT?????

WHAT THE FUCK.

anyway.

i stopped and got a hug from him, along with my meds, my cup, my chargers, and blooper, without whom i would have an incredibly difficult time sleeping tonight. i wish i couldn't stayed at joel's for the night, but my vision is so impaired that i couldn't possibly drive myself anywhere.

and then dad and i got home and i talked to the eggs for a while and had a bowl of cereal for dinner and came up to bed.

anyway, joel is the sweetest person to ever exist. he makes me happy. i'm so lucky to have him.

anyway. doctor specialist appointment at 11am. sad. joel good. happy.

#molly rambles #operation srr #osrr #3000s #3200s #sunshine boy

[yloiseconeillants]

this isnt specifically what that suggest an npc thing was asking but im curious and it made me think of it so i wanna ask anyway: whats yloise's opinion on each of the scions?? which ones are her friends and which ones are just coworkers?? any prospective lovers?? (as of where youre up to in msq rn)

thank you so much for this ask, @kuroimarzipan! i wanted to wait to answer this one when i got home from my trip and now i am slime :/ Uh, just putting this one under a cut because I'm sure it's going to get long lmao. EDIT, on day three of writing this up OKAY THIS GOT REALLY LONG also spoilers up until where i’m at in the msq which is just finished Stormblood proper....

BESTIE ZONE

Y'shtola: Yloise met Y'sthola first, and it was Y'sthola's recommendation that led to Yloise joining up with the Scions in the first place. Yloise is a little intimidated by her, but in a good way? She wants to impress her and she wants to be friends - Y'shtola will insist that they ARE friends, particularly after the Titan quests. Yloise respects and trusts Y'sthola. I imagine they can both get a little catty if they're in the mood for it.

Thancred: Given my fucky timeline for multi-WOL shenanigans, I think Yloise met Thancred for all of maybe five minutes before he was possessed by Lahabrea (but she still thought something was off, given all the stories about him that Erasmus told her, when he was inexplicably absent for her nameday party), but after the whole Lahabrea Fisticuffs Incident where she fractures Thancred’s nose and breaks her wrist doing so, they trauma-bond hard enough that Yloise can consider him one of her closest friends among the Scions during the 7th Astral Era. Thancred’s been busy and distant post-HW, though...

Yda/Lyse: I have talked about their relationship extensively elsewhere but by means of update, I think Yloise is at peace with Lyse’s decisions (even if she was railroaded into them by the plot :/ and i disagree w/ them on a fundamental level but whatever) and ready to move on from her mess of feelings re: Lyse without resolution. It’s fine.

Dariustel (who is still a Scion, despite the game dropping him entirely after ARR it’s fine): Yloise and Dariustel have had a rocky friendship considering that the very first time they met, they were both immediately struck by an Echo vision of the most fucked up moment of Dariustel’s life (when Yloise’s evil dad forced him to torture a farmer to test his loyalty). He very nearly quit the Scions then and there, but Yloise essentially begged him to stay to 1. prove that Dariustel did not have to be defined by his past and that he would make a worthy Scion 2. so that she could seek out her father (who she’s never met) to resolve her own drama/end his reign of terror in the Twelveswood. I’ve written a Lot about this in the Googledoc but very little of it ends up here because I keep changing her father’s Whole Deal, but by the end of ARR, they are very good friends and a sort of trial run for Echo-intimate relationships (Ysayle).

Tajih: Yloise first met Tajih as an Assessor at Mealvaan’s Gate, but I would call them acquaintances (or friends of friends) until they meet up again at the Waking Sands, when Yloise appoints herself matchmaker between Tajih and Liavinne (they can manage all on their own, thanks, AND Yloise doesn’t care for Liavinne), but after the Massacre, Yloise realizes that Tajih needs a different kind of support than just romantic cheerleading and actively works to be a better friend to Tajih.

Erasmus: They’ve been tanking and healing for each other since Sastasha and it’s the sort of working relationship that requires a kind of preternatural ability to read each other (which is inevitably helped by the Echo, but also some people just get each other’s vibes through prolonged proximity). Erasmus is too fucking polite to call her on her deceitful bullshit when he sees it, but he will try to work with her through her own self-imposed barriers. He’s been presumed dead since the Banquet, though, and I need to figure out when I get him back into the Soap Opera plot proper.

COWORKERS

Urianger: While her (rotten) attitude toward Urianger softened quite a bit since the moment that Moenbryda arrived and Yloise can truthfully call him a friend after everything that went down with Minfilia, I still don't think they're close. Yloise has observed Urianger, and can recognize when he's overtaxing himself and (as unobtrusively as possible) leave him some tea and snacks, but she's not doing much more to get to know him.

Minfilia: To be certain, Yloise cares DEEPLY about Minfilia, and feels comfortable enough to share secrets with Minfilia she would otherwise take to her grave (the whole thing w/ Midgardsormr, for example), but there is a certain professional distance that Yloise is imposing on their relationship (out of habit? fear?).

Papalymo: I’m pretty certain Yloise just recognized Papalymo as Yda’s chaperone and like, went to the beach w/ them a few times but they’ve probably never spoken outside of like, making fun of Thancred together a few times.

Alphinaud: Alphinaud was firmly framed in Yloise’s brain as “My 16-year-old Coworker” for most of the game and fluctuated between “I guess I’m just going to go along with him leading a mercenary force now,” “This Child Needs To Get Out of My Personal Business With a Certain Knight in Coerthas,” and “Did he literally just refer to me as a dog?” but then, like, Heavensward happened, and now Alphinaud is Yloise’s Son Boy that she is Very Proud Of and she hangs up his art in her shitty apartment.

Alisaie: Alisaie is currently occupying the “My 16-year-old Coworker” position recently vacated by Alphinaud although Alisaie immediately hit her with the Ga Bu deep conversation which Yloise was not ready for by any means.  They need to spend more time together before Yloise can call her a friend, but anything for Alphinaud’s sister, I guess.

Krile: Yloise knows that she Should Not Fuck with Krile (or any other 30+ furry academic, for that matter), but she seems pleasant enough and would probably have tea with her if the opportunity presented itself but, you know, MSQ.

Fred: My partner’s WOL, and the closest thing to a long-term rival that Yloise possesses (she does not have a competitive bone in her body, except, apparently, when this jackass deigns to speak). He is both the Monk who Stands in the AOE AND the Red Mage who will revive her when she is down. The first time they were ever nice to each other was after she was struck by a falling rock during the Titan Fight that should have hit him, and he felt awful and stayed by her side while she recovered at Warmwine Sanitorium (and got in some fishing in the meantime). I WAS playing with the idea when we first started playing that there was something romantic between these two but absolutely not. The very idea is repugnant to her (which makes Fred’s half-assed flirting even worse when it occurs). He now exists to deliver bad news and give her rides on his chocobo while they are both dealing with MSQ nonsense.

Tataru: Tataru is not just Yloise’s Coworker, but she may be Yloise’s Boss at this point. Yloise is wise enough to indulge her whims and support her endeavors.

NOTABLE OTHER DYNAMICS???

She admires the Company of Heroes tremendously and looks upon Riol as both a compatriot and somewhat of a mentor (Erasmus has an outright crush on him and she WILL make it awkward for him for a laugh) (she does have a crush on Landenel though). 

As previously mentioned, she does not care for Liavinne, but it’s not like she wanted her to die or anything.

I have not written much about Zezesu since they keep changing in my plots, but the basic points are the same: Zezesu probably falls on the coworker side of the Scions, but as a member of Yloise’s early adventuring party, they have a stronger bond than say, Yloise and Tataru. Zezesu does die in the Waking Sands Massacre.

Most of the other Very Minor Scions are more friends of Erasmus than Yloise’s friends, but they’re all friendly-by-proxy. She’s always surprised when a Scion later assumes she doesn’t remember them, just because they didn’t interact much, but Yloise remembers every time anyone was nice to her ever, so of course she’d recall the times Erasmus would call Arenvald and A’aba or Una and her companions to share a table with them.

#i should have just. written a novel i guess #soap opera notes

[andswarwrites]

Day 13

 Part Four: Stacey is Bipolar (getting the hang of things, at last)

Shortly before I was hospitalised and diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I pleaded with my husband to ask one thing of me, and he asked me to be stable.  My heart sank at that request, because I felt it was impossible.  It's not impossible.  There's just a learning curve.  And you can't do it on your own.  You need to accept support.  In my case, I got a lot of support from the very beginning.  My psychiatrist, my therapist, my family, my friends who are as close as family.  I was surrounded with care and consideration.

For my part, all I had to do was cooperate and take one day at a time.  That may not seem like much, but it's enough.  I wrote while in the throes of psychosis, as well as when I was first recovering, and then when I was well on my way to recovery, and all three stages are visible.  What I have learned from re-reading what I wrote is that, like a waking dream, everything makes sense to you while you're dreaming, even though it's splintered and scattered and forever unravelling, and when you first wake up, it still makes sense, but as you reflect and remain awake you see the dream for what it was: a collection of visions and storylines that kept shifting like sand.

My dose of medication had to be adjusted, so I had to have regular blood tests and regular appointments.  As time passed, my mind slowly stitched itself back together.  I participated in some recommended activities and courses.  And mainly I learned patience.  Being discharged from the hospital does not mean that you are fully healed from a psychosis.  The first time, I thought it did, so I tried to resume life like the whole ordeal had never taken place.  I quickly learned that you don't magically heal from something like that.

It takes weeks, then months, then years, of taking your meds, evaluating how you feel, gauging what you can do, embracing healthy habits, getting sufficient sleep and rest.  I'm a bookworm, and I used to be able to devour a book in an afternoon.  Now, even a graphic novel tires me after a few pages.  And it's been years now since those psychoses happened.  I have to pace myself, and not take on too much.  But these limitations don't dishearten me.  My reality is who I am right now, if that makes any sense.

What I mean is: I do my best to not dwell on good things from the past, because there were bad things too; I focus on what I can be grateful for in my present situation, and I do hold out hope for an even better future.  That is what I consider to be a balanced perspective.  And I focus on what I can control: I can remember to faithfully take my medication.  I keep a little three compartment pill organizer in my handbag, just in case I don't get home in time to take those pills in the evening.

Another thing I can control is my attitude.  If I had a choice, I would obviously choose to not be bipolar, but what choice do I have? I choose to make the best of my situation.  On a bad day, I think "Maybe tomorrow will be better."  And if tomorrow is worse, I think "This is just a low period, I'll make it through."  And then I make it through.  Even though I take medication, that medication only tempers the highs and lows, it doesn't make them vanish completely.

I asked S- which he prefers, the highs or the lows, and he told me that when I'm on a high, I'm fun, and when I'm on a low I'm cuddly.  So even though I'm not perfectly stable, in his eyes I'm stable enough.  The therapist I was seeing retired and I made the decision not to replace her.  She had seen me through the worst of it, and she bestowed upon me so many tools to help me cope with life.  And she did so gently, simply through discussion, and asking questions to make me come to my own conclusions.

When I see my psychiatrist I basically bring him up to speed on what is going on with me.  We go over my last blood test, he asks me a few questions and I answer them honestly.  Then I leave.  He's told me several times that a lot of individuals with bipolar disorder stop their medication because they can't live without the highs.  I don't get that at all.  I cannot relate.  I mean, experiencing a manic episode can lead to some funny stories, like redecorating your bedroom in the middle of the night, and you do feel this incredible combination of joy and power, but I feel the cost is too high.

If we look at mental health the way we look at physical health, how do we become and remain healthy?  Good, daily habits are the foundation.  For physical health, we need to stay active, eat well, drink enough water, avoid stress and get sufficient sleep.  I find those habits go hand in hand with mental health.  Just add healthy relationships, healthy self-care, and reasonable expectations of yourself and others.  I also find I need a routine, but if that routine is too rigid, I collapse, so it needs to have enough flexibility and variety for me to keep it up.

How do I conclude?  If there's one thing I'm bad at, it's ending a story.  Every once in a while, the perfect ending comes along and writes itself, but most often, I just abruptly end my tale, leaving things unresolved.  But that's because it's not really the end, it's a stopping point.  I'm only thirty-five, who knows where I'll be at in five, ten years, not to mention fifteen or twenty.  I can plan, to a certain extent, but this story of me being bipolar will continue to unfold and I will learn more and more as I go on.  So for now, let's close the topic and move on.  And thank you so much for reading.

#bipolar disorder #personal experience #emotional stability

[clatterbane]

Farewell, shitty Jason Voorhees cosplay!

And hello... particularly fucked up SFX sclera lens?

(Was actually putting off looking at it until after getting home. Already more than enough to process. They did warn me it was super bloodshot, but I still wasn't quite prepared for...that. It's basically bruised all to hell, as the nurse was saying today. She seemed half-surprised that I didn't have a shiner to go with it. Gruesome enough for the moment, as it is.)

Yeah, at that followup appointment this morning, basically the first thing the nurse did was take that thing off. And thankfully clean up around my eye safely!

Which I was definitely going to ask about, if they hadn't mentioned it straight off the bat. It was feeling really itchy and soggy under there, and finally getting the thing of my face was such a relief. Not to mention wiped off. I'm apparently good to go with a damp cotton pad as long as I don't press hard or, like, squirt shower water straight into Recovering Eyeball for a while. (And pretty obviously keep shampoo, etc. out of it.) Other than that, it should only need the extra-gentle treatment for about a week.

There is definitely more light getting in, for good or otherwise right now. I can make out larger shapes much better, and actually see if somebody is holding a hand up in front of me. The post-surgical blurriness is evidently from the gas, and should gradually start improving over the next few weeks as the gas gets absorbed. With some annoying visual effects developing from the bubble floating around as it shrinks. Doesn't sound like it could be worse to live with than what Haunted Eyeball has been pulling so far, but we'll see.

Don't want to get overly optimistic, but it did indeed sound like I should hopefully be able to get decent vision back in there. Again, we'll have to wait and...see? Pls?

That would be enough of a change with the lens implant and all, that I am definitely going to be needing new glasses ASAP regardless. Again, no idea how long that might take to stabilize enough. Will likely be going around severely lopsided (with the damned migraines! 💀) for at least a couple of months. Which also isn't really sounding like much change from the near-constant varying level migraine situation right now, but hey. Not looking forward to more of this shit--maybe especially after spending years like that for other reasons (celiac deficiencies screwing up my electrolytes), and finally getting that shit mostly stopped for nearly as many years before this started similar up again. 😬

(In other news, I finally got a brainstorm to try some hopefully appropriately tinted clip-on filters, and see if it helps. I know I do seem to be one of the migraine folks sensitive to cooler wavelengths. Rather than going around most of the time inside the house wearing the polarized likewise convertible shades to block some glare. May need to mess with ordering some from Brexit Island and risk Customs hangups, because I could find several suitable-looking FL-41 options there. Where those were apparently developed and the tinted lenses first used for migraine prevention. 🙄 Not much luck from Germany with clip-ons to use with existing glasses specifically, though that's frequently my first choice now. Much bigger country with more stuff available than here in Sweden, inside the Customs union--and, I can still get by well enough in German to even figure out what magic words might work for searches!)

Anyway, that eye was even more nearsighted, etc. going into this whole mess, and however it stabilizes with the new aftermarket lens? That is liable to make me pretty sick and headachy,cgoing around with a pretty strong absolutely wrong prescription in the meantime. Worst case, I guess I can pop that lens out of my existing glasses and see if uncorrected is less awful? But, we'll have to burn that particular bridge when we come to it.

I'm just pretty relieved to even be able to see someone waving their hand on that side now, tbqh.

The less good news: I get to go back tomorrow! 🙃 Not in the already planned like week and a half.

I also got two more kinds of eyedrops to use more temporarily! For a total of five (5)!

The guy who ended up prescribing the new additions actually scribbled down a full list for me to take home, with the dosing schedules laid out.

Yep, including one that's conveniently called for 5 times a day! 😬 The first horribly frequent one is a steroid with a tapering dosing schedule. Guessing that may be why he missed another one of the initial three prescribed yesterday. I'll figure it out from the labels, and alarms will no doubt be set up. Hadn't been needing to use that pill scheduling app since before we moved here, but I guess it's time to reinstall the sucker!

The issue? The pressure in that eye was registering at 32 mmHg, when it should apparently normally be 10-21. Not totally unexpected with the swelling and all--to the point that they wanted me back the next day after surgery mainly to check pressure. Doesn't sound like this is panic-level high, but enough to try and get it down ASAP to recheck tomorrow.

Thus the extra double header of glaucoma drops, to hopefully bring that shit down. And they had me take a couple of diuretic tablets before I even left the office. Which I then proceeded to MacGyver into a swallowable form, using one end of my pocketknife as a pill crusher and a handy Ziploc with some hypoglycemia backup candy hastily evicted to contain the shrapnel! It kinda worked, even if the doctor was looking on rather apologetically with nearly equal parts fascination and surprise. (After shuffling around to find some hopefully suitable bludgeon, not very successfully.)

The occasional benefits of hauling a bunch of miscellaneous shit around in inventory, I guess. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Pocket knives come in handy again. No wheels of cheese or bees required today, at least. Fresh out of those, sadly.

The pressure was less than alarming enough that this guy and the surgeon decided not to give me a longer term prescription of the Piss Yourself Potion. But, I did get sent home with another single-tablet dose in a little envelope, just in case. Not supposed to take it unless I start having some noticeable symptoms before I come back tomorrow. And instructions to urgently call 1177 if that doesn't fix any problems that might arise.

(Yeah, no symptoms at all so far, that I can tell. I think they got extra hyper over what does seem to be "just" the same-old migraine shit, though. Not lessened by the extra disruption and stress of that appointment. 😑)

Better to play it safe, and all that. And I was somewhat impressed again that they have been very specific about informing me what I should do if I do start experiencing any worrying complications or other symptoms. Especially as compared to experiences dealing with the NHS "Don't call us...no really, just don't" approach over the years.

(Very much including opthalmology, which actually dropped me off their list twice. Besides, erm, just not wanting to hear about the hemorrhages and deliberately choosing not to treat it the only time I did get summoned for an appointment almost a year into Plague Time. 😩)

But, at any rate, I also suspect that this difference in base expectations has been contributing to my worry levels. I am just still not used to anything getting treated as that urgent anymore, though when I think about it? This has been closer to what I would have expected back home. Especially when we had "good" insurance, but also later when I was on Medicaid. Not just with this eye garbage, either. Standards of care in general.

Just because they're willing to work me in ASAP to be safe, that doesn't necessarily mean that it's high time to start freaking out. Or, so I keep telling myself. 🙄

#personal #long post #medical stuff #eye surgery #blood #gore #i guess #opthalmology #diabetic retinopathy #medical fuckery #though thankfully not here so far #medical ptsd #vitrectomy #lens implant #retina surgery

[haesi-perpetuo-in-r2]

I’ve been afk for a bit and here’s kinda why. Consider this also as a PSA.

Go to the doctor if you feel something is wrong.

Here’s the story of how I almost went blind in one eye.

Around January/February of this year, I felt something was wrong because my eyes were constantly watering. This had never happened before. I chalked it up to allergies and moved on.

I talked to my allergist and we started an allergy shots treatment. But sadly this would take 3-5 years to fully ramp up. My eyes were still bothering me.

I got put on oral steroids, which worked a bit, but I wasn’t feeling 100% still (something which I neglected to tell anyone). And I couldn’t keep taking those steroids because of side effects. So I coped with my situation at maybe 70%.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago, I finally took an appointment with an ophthalmologist and it turns out I have a massive scar in my right eye.

I didn’t notice because my left eye was compensating for my right’s reduced vision. To truly check vision in an eye, you apparently need to cover up the other eye. I also learned that rubbing my eyes wasn’t a good idea and to always use a tissue.

Thankfully, I’m on prescription strength eye drops and I can actually live in peace again. My vision isn’t what it once was (I’m at 20/70 now) and sadly it won’t ever recover to perfect. But I can see and my eyes don’t water. That’s a win out of a really shitty situation.

I thought once I graduated, I could be an “independent adult” so I kept a lot of these symptoms to myself, thinking that I could deal with it. Please don’t do that. Talk to someone. There were so many people, including my own parents, whom I could’ve told, but I was too stubborn to do so.

This scar was in my eye for at least six fucking months. And if at any point I had gone to the ophthalmologist they would’ve caught it so much earlier. And I’m just mad and annoyed at myself for being a stupid kid.

Please, I’m begging anyone who sees this to not suffer in silence. It’s not worth it. It seemed hopeless a lot of the time for me, but now I can confidently say that there’s a path forward.

So to all my mutuals: please take care of yourself.

#finally typed that all out #verba haesis

[firstumcschenectady]

“The Beloved Way” based on Acts 2:43-47

This week I had a routine dental appointment. Our dentist, selected carefully by the measure of being covered by our dental insurance, having opening for new patients, and being a woman of color (my first choice when available) turns to have incredible an generic suburban office.

So I'm lying there, having my teeth cleaned, and staring at the florescent lights and ceiling tiles and suddenly I start thinking about the impact of this office on the world. The ways that routine preventative dental care subtly but profoundly impacts peoples' lives. The wonder that is dental care when a tooth is aching, and someone can help. The life-changing reality of dentures. It becomes sort of amazing, thinking about this one small office in the midst of a maze of medical offices, and the difference it makes it people's lives.

It was actually awe-inspiring, maybe because I never before thought about the utter wonder that is a modern, first world dental office and its impact. Wow. The only times I've come close to thinking about this is when I hear from or consider the work of our missionary, Dr. Belinda Forbes whose life work has been in offering dental care in Nicaragua where there are so few dentists that there is only one dentist for every 20,000 people. Listening to Belinda talk about training health volunteers to teach tooth-brushing, and to engage in tooth extraction always reminds me how imperative dental work is, but somehow this all still felt like a revelation to me.

(Dr. Forbes)

Dental work is an imperative part of the kin-mod of God. We can't be holistically well if our teeth ache or if we can't eat good food.

The wonder of all this for me was that this dental office is just there, quietly doing its work of caring for its patients, just like many others in our region, providing imperative care to people, and being a part of building the kingdom of God whether they know it or not. Now, I'm not saying dental care is perfect. Right? Some offices overcharge, some offer subpar care, systemic racism is at play there like everywhere else, and worst of all there are far too many people in our country who can't afford to access dental care. It isn't perfect.

But it is good. And it is a very good starting point for the kind of dental care the kingdom needs. Which is really, really nice because there is no need to start from scratch on that one, just expend access and increase justice.

And, the truth is that there are lot of pieces of our society that are like this – already people all over the place are doing foundationally good work, that matters to other people, and holistic well-being, and the kingdom of God, and …. wow!

When I read from Rev. Dr. King, I'm always struck by the depth of his faith. He had a clear-eyed view of the impacts of racism, poverty, cycles of violence, and the military industrial complex. His analysis of them and the ways they interplay is outstanding. Yet, it was his faith that he brought to his work, and his faith that led his work. He worked from a position of hope. He believed that the people working together could bring change, that love could overpower hate, that the evils of the world wouldn't have the final say. His belief in God extended to belief in people, and our capacity to overcome the brokenness and actually build the beloved community. And he thought we got there by shared nonviolent direct action – which sounds like Jesus to me. It should, right, he was a Christian clergy person with a doctorate from a United Methodist Seminary (just saying). But I've noticed not all Christian clergy people pay a lot of attention to the power of nonviolence in the life of Jesus and his followers.

The Beloved Community was for him a realistic, achievable goal that could be attained by a critical mass of people committed to and trained in the philosophy and methods of nonviolence.

Dr. King’s Beloved Community is a global vision, in which all people can share in the wealth of the earth. In the Beloved Community, poverty, hunger and homelessness will not be tolerated because international standards of human decency will not allow it. Racism and all forms of discrimination, bigotry and prejudice will be replaced by an all-inclusive spirit of sisterhood and brotherhood. In the Beloved Community, international disputes will be resolved by peaceful conflict-resolution and reconciliation of adversaries, instead of military power. Love and trust will triumph over fear and hatred. Peace with justice will prevail over war and military conflict.

Dr. King’s Beloved Community was not devoid of interpersonal, group or international conflict. Instead he recognized that conflict was an inevitable part of human experience. But he believed that conflicts could be resolved peacefully and adversaries could be reconciled through a mutual, determined commitment to nonviolence. No conflict, he believed, need erupt in violence. And all conflicts in The Beloved Community should end with reconciliation of adversaries cooperating together in a spirit of friendship and goodwill.1

I often speak of this as the kingdom of God, but I think it is good to remember there are other ways of talking about it, in including “the beloved community” like Rev. Dr. King said or “the way” the early Christians spoke of.

Rev. Dr. King's philosophy of nonviolence has been broken down to 6 principles, I've shared some of them with you in the past. Today I want to share the 6th:

PRINCIPLE SIX: Nonviolence Believes That the Universe Is on the Side of Justice.

The nonviolent resister has deep faith that justice will eventually win.

Nonviolence believes that God is a God of justice. 2

That's what I mean by being struck by the depth of his faith. He saw the problems, but he believed that God will win.

When I read Acts 2, I'm overwhelmed. The space between the radical nature of the early church in selling all they had and living in complete inter-dependence and the way faith is practiced today seems impossibly far. But it turns out that there are so many things actually going right, things that we may not see or might take for granted, things that need a little bit of adjusting to be better, but are already working for good. There are lots of them, if we look. This week I saw one, I hope this coming week you see two. There is reason for hope, for faith, and there is a lot of need for nonviolent love in this world. Thanks be to God who is our source of hope, faith, and love. Amen

1https://thekingcenter.org/about-tkc/the-king-philosophy/ - “The Beloved Community” accessed January 11, 2024.

2Ibid., Dr. King’s Fundamental Philosophy of Nonviolence.

January 14, 2024

Rev. Sara E. Baron 

First United Methodist Church of Schenectady

 603 State St. Schenectady, NY 12305 

Pronouns: she/her/hers

 http://fumcschenectady.org/ https://www.facebook.com/FUMCSchenectady

#progressive christianity #thinking church #MLK #MLK Sunday #Human Relations Day #fumc schenectady #first umc schenectady #schenectady #umc #sorry about the umc #rev sara e baron

[hybridzizi]

I took like 3 months off of work to try and figure out my migraines and I’m going back to work tomorrow so I guess now is a reasonable time to try and collect all my discoveries and suspicions.

Triptans are incredible because they actually make the migraine go away! The downside is apparently they have a risk of making the migraines worse if I overuse them and the line for what “overuse” is seems to be very very fuzzy. This makes me reluctant to use them as much as I probably should and means I should really try and find the source of the migraines if I can.

Cold does seem to help dial down the intensity of the migraines. If the migraine gets bad enough it’s not really noticeable, but if I can catch it early wearing an ice pack as a hat or taking a cold bath can delay the migraine a few hours (which is usually enough time for the triptans to kick in).

Apparently I have pretty bad TMJ and also arthritis in my jaw. I have a little device to stick in my mouth and some stretches that are supposed to help with this. The device does not noticeably help my migraines (though hopefully it will keep my teeth and jaw from getting more fucked up) but the stretches and also trying very hard to notice when I clench my jaw and stop doing that seem to help.

My favorite stretch is the one where I just stick a thumb in my mouth and pinch the masseter muscle really hard until it relaxes. It doesn’t stop the muscle from tensing but it at least resets the tension I’m carrying back to zero. I’m supposed to do this one like once a day but when my muscles start going crazy I do it like every couple hours.

I did try botox, which did nothing for me, but that appointment is where they found the jaw arthritis so net helpful even if I wish the botox helped me as much as it helped my siblings.

My entire body tenses up when I’m on my period and this makes the jaw clenching much worse.

I have tried switching birth controls to help with this. It might have helped a bit? Or possibly it’s just the other stuff I’m doing keeps the muscle tension from getting too bad. The muscles are still tensing up for about a week every few weeks but they don’t seem to be getting as tense.

Started taking muscle relaxants. My doctor wants this to be temporary because there’s no good research on the long-term effects of the ones that don’t interact with my other meds. Tragic. But they are helping a ton for now!!!

I am annoyed to admit it, because my physical therapist was trying to sell me on fucking homeopathy, but physical therapy was enormously helpful. Gave me some good stretches, told me to start using a lacrosse ball as a foam roller (which is honestly such a fucking life saver when every muscle in my body is trying to tense up!!!), and told me to fix my posture.

The posture thing seemed like it was helping except that I wasn’t being very consistent about it so I got one of those awful devices that glues to your back and buzzes if you slouch even a little bit. I hate it with every fiber of my being but also it seems to be helping incredibly.

I did a sleep study and they think I do not have problems but they cannot tell for sure because I didn’t fall asleep very deeply because sleep studies are the worst.

I have an upcoming eye appointment. I think my vision is good but wouldn’t it be dumb if I just needed glasses?

#migraines #personal #bodies