#and the whole reason i've been trying so hard to avoid getting covid and getting sick in general

[purplethespian]

Waiting for Permission to Be Sick - Input Requested!

So, I got officially diagnosed with two chronic conditions last week. And the doctor explained to me the details of how these conditions affect my body, and what kinds of symptoms to look out for, and what I can expect life to look like going forward. And I got prescribed meds, and given detailed instructions for when to take them and any side effects I might experience and what to do to help myself feel better if I'm not feeling well, and all of that.

And I just. Haven't done it. I've started taking some of the meds, but not all of them, and like. There's no real reason for me not to? I'm just. Not doing it. Like I've looked up some products on Etsy to have like. Emergency medical info with me so that if I randomly black out or faint again in public, someone could see me and have info know what to do. And I've been looking at pins that say "I have an invisible disability" and aaaaaaaall sorts of stuff. Basically just window shopping for my chronic illness starter kit. But it's been over a week now and I haven't bought anything, and I seem to have convinced myself that I can't start taking my meds until I have all of my Items sorted out and prepared. And like -- there are some actual reasons for this, such as my schedule has been all over the place and my meds need to be taken at multiple times a day at certain intervals, and some with food and some without food, so I need to be able to have that stuff ready to go even when I'm out and about.

But I'm not. Actually doing the work to get everything sorted out and ready? I'm just window shopping. And today, I have been very tired all day because of the rain and because I did too much yesterday, and my head has been hurting because I'm still not over my concussion and I also probably did too much today, even though honestly all I did was go to one class and observe the whole time, and read a couple of emails. And I thought to myself, "well I guess I should take tylenol for my head, and I guess I can give myself permission to do that since my boyfriend is busy and can't tell me to take care of myself --- oh."

I have been waiting for someone to give me permission to identify as chronically ill! Even today I was like "I feel like I've managed to convince myself that I feel worse than I actually do, and I'm actually fine." Even though there would be no real reason for me to be doing that. And like. My head actually hurts! I really did and still do feel tired! And I've seen my test results, and I know that I have a chronic condition. It's been medically confirmed by a bunch of different tests, and multiple medical professionals have been like "yep you've got something wrong with you" (though using more professional and kind words, of course). All of this to say -- I have been waiting for someone to tell me that I am ill and it is chronic and that it is okay to spend money on taking care of myself and things that will make me feel better, even if it is only temporary like the excitement of buying a new pouch that says "This Bag Is Full of Drugs" specifically to keep my medical supplies in, or something to help keep me safe going forward like a medical alert key chain. The only question now is -- what do I do about this? How do I give myself permission to need help or extra accommodations or even just some medication when I never want to admit that I need or want help? I'm so used to being self-sufficient and doing everything by myself that I don't know how to be okay with more problems.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? What do you do? How do you learn to be okay with the fact that your body is not going to go back to the way it was before? I am only 22 and it's hard to accept that my life is not going to look the way I pictured it when I was 18.

#this post got a lot longer than i meant it to but it sort of turned into journaling halfway through #hopefully people still read it? #hopefully it was not too long to be worth reading? #it's just hard because like. i Already have dealt with a lot of problems in my life #and the whole reason i've been trying so hard to avoid getting covid and getting sick in general #among other reasons #is that i already have Ailments and i don't want more meds to worry about and things that have to be on my radar #and now with this diagnosis it's like yeah i have confirmation so at least the waiting to know is off my radar #but now i have more meds to worry about and more Scheduling that has to be done #plus i've already been pill shamed in the past by my older sister just for taking adhd meds #i don't want to get more shit from her for this #idk dude #just a lot on my plate and now there's more and it makes everything more complicated and harder #at least my boyfriend has been amazing though #he has been so supportive through everything and like he still wants to marry me and everything and it just feels really good #to have his support like that #i know people make jokes about someone talking about their partner and it's just their boyfriend matt #but my boyfriend matt really is my partner in everything and i love him #go matt #everyone applaud for matt #if you read this far into the tags i think you should get a cookie #and i hope you had/have a good day today #also though matt was like 'maybe you should get a cane for times when you have to stand up for a long time' and #idk if i'm ready for that #or if it's even necessary #idk #lots of things #too many things even #i'm tired of there being things #ALSO if anyone read this far and has any product recommendations that made their life easier please lmk

[alligator-spaceinvader]

I miss you. Big love. Hope you’re okay.

TW: anxiety, depression, disordered eating habits, panic attacks, mention of self-harm, mention of suic!dal ideation, mention of alcohol abuse

I'm guessing you're either Harper, Harrison, Asya, Michael, Sable, Becs, Katherine, or Megan, (maybe even Kara?) and whichever one of them you are I need you to know that I love you so, so much. And I miss you (all of you) so deeply it hurts. If anon isn't anyone I just listed, that's ok too and I still love you anyways for caring about me.

In terms of whether or not I'm okay... it's a complicated answer, because on a day-to-day basis, I am usually okay overall (like, mentally), bc I've been communicating w/ all of my family members literally every day, which (shockingly) helps me feel more emotionally tethered to the world. Also, I just got done with the first college course I've ever actually completed in my life (3 CREDITZ BITCHESSS!!!:D), so that tiny step towards self-empowerment & independence has me feeling very proud and determined to continue (I enrolled in a summer course last week!).

However, I've been dealing with some extremely intense self-imposed social isolation (and not just the covid kind, obvi) for multiple years now. Part of this is due to my inability to drive (also I technically have my learners permit now!) but mostly this is due to my own emotional issues that I have to work through in therapy. I don't feel empowered or secure enough to place or enforce boundaries, so I rarely feel able to assert my own social wants/needs and actually act on my desire to see my friends again. I've been getting some truly ass-kicking, ER-worthy panic attacks on the rare occasions that I DO try to go see one or a couple of my friends, and it usually results in me cutting the meeting short so I can rush home and descend into a really dark mental place full of adrenaline-soaked doombeliefs & crushing depression (not suic*dal ideation anymore, thanks to my trusty ol' escitalopram!) that renders me physically unable to eat or drink water for like 15 hours, even after I've taken my prescribed anxiety medication. I've alienated myself so hard that I'm terrified my friends will just eventually get sick of being constantly rejected and avoided and will be hurt and grow to resent me for my constant, deeply sh!tty behavior towards them.

My biggest thing i'm dealing w/ and stressing over right now is that one of my best friends is engaged and will be getting married in the future-- and since I already missed my other best friend's wedding due to this neurotic mental illness & soul-destroying inability to stand up for myself, I'm more determined than ever to NEVER let that happen again-- so I've been trying to gather the documents i need in order to renew my passport (bc I'm assuming the wedding will be in canada). i got my replacement ss card in the mail the other day and now all i need is to find my birth certificate at my dad's house. If I miss one more friend's wedding because of the stupidest reasons in the world, I will be so crushed and defeated, I can't bear the thought of not being there (another reason I'm desperate to not miss it is that the wedding might be one of my only chances to see and apologize to my first friend whose wedding I missed, and I really really don't want to blow this chance)

Oh, also *nervous laugher* I had a ~sliiiiiiight~ ED relapse recently, which is tbh totally exacerbating every single stressor in my life to the degree that I've returned to my former habit of dissolving into tears and hyperventilating multiple times a day, every day. so far, it's not bad enough for me to feel like i need to hide it yet, but i'm familiar enough with this whole dreadful process by now that it I know it's never really in my control at all, at least not in the way I keep deluding myself into believing. lol.

and lastly, the greatest stressor in my life right now is that my mother's been struggling so badly w/ her mania and depression lately, she flippantly stopped taking her antidepressant and I feel literally sick to my f*cking stomach with the choking fear that she'll act on her suic*dal ideation one night and that I'll suddenly find myself in the world without my Momma. She's resumed self-harmnig and has been drinking heavily. "terrified" doesn't come close to describing how intense & heavy the oppressive fear of losing her is hanging over me every second of my waking life. (And also while I'm asleep. I literally have horrifically graphic, haunting nightmares of her k!lling herself in different ways, multiple nights a week, and I'll wake up soaked in sweat and start my day off with a nice session of dizzying hyperventilation.)

So, overall, I'm "okay" in the way that I'm able to take the time to comfort myself and practice self-care at home, w/ my partner and my doggle, and prioritize communication with my immediate family members (which has pretty much never happened before in my life), and I've been doing school and I'm all set up to continue college classes, and I've been taking steps towards renewing my passport...

however, I'm also not doing ok in the way that i miss my friends so much it physically burns in my throat, chest, all the way down to my solar plexus and i find myself incapable of responding to their repeated efforts to reach out to me again and again; i'm so concerned for my mother's health and safety that i'm in a near-constant state of sheer panic and preparation for dashing over to her apartment in case I need to break down her door and save her; i've noticed a concerning reappearance of e@ting- dis0rdered behaviors that i haven't engaged in for literally years; and i'm too mentally ill to socialize w/ any of my friends, literally at all, w/o it triggering a days-long meltdown :\

Thank you anon for reaching out to me. Whoever you are, I love you for caring about me and missing me. I'm so deeply sorry I haven't gotten my sh!t together by now. I swear to god i'm trying every day to get stronger and more assertive. i'm very, very grateful that all of you haven't given up on me yet

(please let me know if I missed any TWs in the tags)

#tw mental illness #tw mental health #tw disordered eating habits #tw ed #tw anxiety #tw depression #tw suicide #tw suicidal ideation #tw self harm #tw self harm mention #tw sh #tw eating issues #tw eating disorder #friends #personal #tw alcohol #tw alcohol mention

[chocolate-failure]

Man, the shrink has been so fucking hard like goddamn. I feel like my resolve can only last week or I go too hard and get sick and gain a bunch of weight back. And I don't think it's due to Ed though I suppose it could be. But I'll get an HS flare or covid flare and can't get out of bed. A couple of those days in a row followed by my period really fuck up my progress. It's like every week there's a fucking crisis and I just don't have the energy to keep at it or I'll have one day where I gain weight in the tub. Like of course I have times where I just overeat or overdrink during the night but a lot of the issue has been being sick because I can always purge, I can't keep however make up for a day where I can't hit the gym or do my extra long baths.

I usually lose about 2 pounds in 2 hours of bathing but if the water is real hot like at hotels I can lose 3 or 4 in the same amount of time. I refuse to do cold baths even though I know they help with weight too. There's just something's I can't give up and my comfort in the bath is one of them.. and having the water scalding hot isn't necessarily comfortable 🥴

But yeah progress has been fucked up mostly because I'm having a hard time acclimating with changes from week to week as far as my physical health goes. It sucks.

I also had a migraine last week (prob Feb 22 or smn) which is the reason why I'm making this entry. I don't have a lot of insight into my triggers or well... When my triggers become an issue. I definitely know what they are with humidity and heat exhaustion being the biggest one but I've gotten migraines after a 2hr walk and not gotten one after a 5hr walk where I'm on the brink of passing out and lost several pounds. Idk what conditiins must be in place along with the heat exhaustion for it to culminate in a migraine. I've had a flash from a camera cause a migraine but have had several encounters with flashing cameras that resulted in nothing. I once ate one of those Louisiana sandwiches with olives in it and got a migraine almost immediately after it but I've eaten olives several times and never got sick. So I end up for the most part not really avoiding my triggers because they more often result in nothing than a migraine. But I still have 2 or 3 a year.

So instead of concentrating on my triggers I try to minimize stress because it feels like that's a common denominator for a lot of my ailments. And the next best thing for migraine management after tigger avoidance is early detection which is only marginally more trackable to me. Unlike some diseases show the symptoms of migraine mean the migraine is happening. Once the symptoms start there's nothing you can do to stop it. You can take meds to take some of the edge off but it's not going away.

A hallmark symptom of the prodrome phase is jamais vu, the opposite of deja vu which just means the world you've come to know feels unfamiliar rather than feeling like you've been here before. But of course this is very similar to dissociation, an experience I have in some capacity nearly all the time. So it's hard for me to discern the difference between premigraine jamais vu and my daily experience of jamais vu. I also experience the confusion and agitation but those things happen directly before the blindness and aura which isn't particularly helpful for predicting a migraine cuz like when I say directly I mean the pain will start within the next minute or so. As the aura expands the headache gets worse but once it's done the headache typically doesn't get worse from that point. Sometimes it's debilitating whole other times it's a dull ache. The headache hat and exposure to cold is helpful. Pain meds are a little helpful if I take them early enough.

[akwardlyuncool]

Class Favorites: Concert (Ranked-ish)

Before I get into the lose ranking of these concerts, since physical tickets are often times being replaced with our phones (rude) I started making my own faux tickets as my own personal takeaway, as well as using it for another creative outlet. The first time I did it, I printed off too many cause I couldn't decide which version I wanted or how many I "needed" so I brought the extras to the show with me and handed a few out to fellow concert goers. Since then it's almost been like a random act of kindness type of gift that seems to bring other people joy, but it's also something I can put on my wall or my notebook and I think I want to make them forever.

The first one I made was for when I saw Yellowcard cause I was just so excited about the tour announcement, however the first one's I was actually able to bring to a show was for Watsky. Anyway they're all my babies and I love them so much.

PS: I only give them out after the show is over, cause I'm so scared of anyone trying to actually use one of these things to get into a show. I also reserve these for the community and not really the artist, however I did make personal ones for Watsky to give to him.

___________________________________________________________________

Note: All these shows were fantastic and such good times, so this won't a hard rank, but more of a soft one instead. I also haven't done any official concert reviews since like 2022 (SHAME ON ME) but I do plan to get those posted this year, because this blog feels incomplete without them, so this is just a taste of that.

The Speaking Our Language Tour - Boys Like Girls

ft: The Summer Set, State Champs and LOLO.

I bought this ticket so last minute cause I didn't know if I wanted to go to any show at the time. That being said, do you see that lineup?! There was no way I could let myself pass that up. This thing was so stacked and such a ridiculously fun time. State Champs called us the best crowd of the whole tour. My 30+ year old body wanted to die when Martin from Boys Like Girls said they were playing 50 songs, but I made it through and however sore and tired I felt afterwards was hella worth it! I think BLG in December will have to be how I see them from now until forever.

Disclaimer: They didn't actually play 50 full songs, it was more like lets mix some covers in with bits and pieces of their original work. So that's how I made it through.

Yellowcard Celebrating 20 Years of Ocean Avenue - Yellowcard

ft. Amberlin, This Wild Life, Mayday Parade and Emo Night Brooklyn

The moment I saw this show was announced I knew where all my money was going. I'm pretty sure I did pre-sale the day they let me. If you know me or have been following this blow for a while now, Ocean Avenue is one of my top 10 favorite albums of all time and one of the first albums that I knew to be a front to back piece of work. Essentially what I'm saying is that there was no way, I wasn't going to this show. I forced myself to feel good enough to be first in line lol. I think the only reason why this show gets second place is because Yellowcard skipped a couple songs (hella rude) so it wasn't technically a full album show. The show was still amazing, it just when you cut a few tracks out, I'm gonna be a little butt hurt.

Watsky Intention Tour - Watsky

ft. Feed The Biirds and Wax

This was another show that I don't think I waited around to buy tickets for. Covid rescheduled and rescheduled and eventually canceled the last set of Watsky tickets that I held, so this was a little bit of a comeback tour for him. Somberly it was also potentially Watsky's last full cross-country/international tour as a musician and although I was gonna go regardless, that made it even more important to me. I was sad that I was seeing him for what could be the last time without my best friend, who I'd seen Watsky with the majority of the time in like the last 12 years, so I've kinda avoided reminiscing about it. (Which is probably why it's at 3.) I will say though, that it was for sure a really GOOD show. Feed The Biirds gets me every time and Wax is just continuously stepping his game up. Watsky said if this is it, then we gone do up right and across the board, he did not disappoint. The whole set was built to cover every album and give fans of any stage something to take home with them.

He also livestreamed the Metro date for free so people who couldn't make a date in person got to still experience the show or so other's could re-watch and re-live the experience from their couches. So technically I got to see the show twice, live and from my couch. I just love how accessible he wants to make his art.

The intention tour ended up not being the last time I would see Watsky in person, George did a small Art Show Pop Up/Meet & Greet tour at the end of the year. There I got to thank him again and do the whole send off thing in person which was really nice. I even made special, more personal faux tickets for the occasion to give to him, so that was cool.

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On the side: I didn't make tickets for them, but I did go to a couple metal shows at a brewery, which I think is hella tight. I mainly watched my friend's band (Goat Hill Massacre) play and ate pizza called The Mortician. I watched other bands too of course and they were also fun, but again I was there mainly for my friend's band. Anyway I wanted to still shout them out cause they were technically shows that I went to this year, had fun at and felt pretty cool while attending. I just need to do the ear plug thing the next time I see them cause I need to save my ears, but also because metal ain't no joke lol.

Go check out their work! Goat Hill Massacre's Spotify

#Class Favorites 2023 #AKWARD CLASS FAVORITES #Concerts #The Speaking Our Language Tour #Boys Like Girls #Yellowcard Celebrating 20 Years of Ocean Avenue #Ocean Avenue 20th Anniversary Tour #Intention Tour #The Intention Tour #Watsky #George Watsky #Goat Hill Massacre #FreshJai Photos

[dixie12]

i've wanted to write a fic where pat and jonny finally hook up, but pat absolutely panics the next morning and sets off a chain reaction that takes a long time for them to fix. i've been thinking about it for like a year, and i finally wrote a piece of it!

It’s been two weeks since that awful morning, and Pat is ready to put this shit behind them. Yes, he panicked and said some very shitty things to Jonny, but he’d also woken up naked next to his best friend of 14 years, the whole room stinking of sex, condom wrappers strewn among the bed sheets. The panic had been well-deserved, even if the anger and insults hadn’t been. He was trying not to think about the details, even though he definitely remembered more than he’d implied to Jonny. Every time he thought about it, his dick gave a traitorous jerk, reminding Pat that no matter what he’d claimed to Jonny, he’d enjoyed a lot of what they did.

For the first few days, the silence from Jonny was a relief. He had no idea how to broach the subject, and it’s not like there was Buzzfeed articles on the best way to address the gay sex you had with your best friend that you didn’t hate as much as you’d wanted to. Believe him, he’d looked. So he’d let it be for a few days, trusting in Jonny’s maturity to see them through. He waited for Jonny to show up at his place, carrying takeout, sheepish look on his face. Or calling him, maybe pissed, but fiery with it, demanding Pat talk it out with him. Even a text, just to check in, blowing off the whole thing like it had never happened. Something. But days passed, and there was nothing from Jonny.

After a week, Pat finally told himself to nut up and picked up the phone. His call went right to voicemail, though, so either Jonny had his phone off, which was rare, or he’d blocked Pat, which was pretty much unheard of. He figured Jonny was ready to talk about it, yet, but he tried calling again every day, anxiety building as he memorized Jonny’s monotone outgoing voicemail message. No he wouldn’t leave a message, and Jonny obviously wasn’t calling him back at his earliest convenience, no matter what the message claimed.

Pat might have let it go, chalked it up to embarrassment or residual anger on Jonny’s part, but almost two weeks later, he got a text from Seabs.

have u heard from tazer? 

no, y? Pat wrote back.

He wasn’t surprised when his phone rang; Seabs avoided texting whenever possible, always had. “Hey Peeks, how’s your summer?”

“Fine, man. Headed back to Buffalo soon, gonna see the family for a few weeks before ramping up the training back here in Chi. What’s up?”

What he learned from Seabs was that no one- himself, Sharpy, Brinksy, had heard from Jonny since Pat had stormed out of his condo. Not that Seabs knew what had gone down that morning, but the timing fit. 

“I dunno, man, I’m just getting worried. I know the whole Covid thing fucked with him, and I thought he was just getting back to himself, and now all of a sudden he’s shutting everyone out again.” Pat heard the stress in Brent’s voice and couldn’t ignore the guilt that settled in his gut, a vague nausea creeping over him. Brent sighed heavily. “Just, if you hear from him, will you let me know?”

“Yea of course, Seabs. I’m sure he’s just meditating his troubles away or whatever,” Pat said, but it sounded weak even to his own ears.

It was time to take matters into his own hands. If Jonny refused to pick up his phone, Pat was going to plant himself in front of Jonny’s door and knock the damn thing down if he had to. Jonny deserved it, anyway; he had to know the consequences of ignoring Seabs, who was the worst mother hen imaginable. 

Pat needed a plan, though, and that plan included Jonny’s secret weakness: Sadie Sharp. He liked to pretend that he was immune to the Sharp girls, always giving Patrick a hard time when Maddie would give him manicures and beg for piggy back rides, but for some reason, he and Sadie had bonded pretty much right away. She was 7 this summer, and Jonny usually took her out for “adventures” once or twice a month. Pat had seen some pretty adorable pictures of the two of them at the zoo just last month, both of them with their faces painted. Pat had secretly sent himself the pictures from Sharpy’s phone, trying not to examine why.

He collected Sharpy and Sadie and set off for Jonny’s building, parking in the garage before all trooping in together. Pat waved at Elliott, Jonny’s doorman, as he walked towards the elevators, but stopped short when he heard Elliott clear his throat and call out to him.

“Mr. Kane, may I ask who you’re visiting?” He asked, and Pat just stared at him. Elliott hadn’t called him ‘Mr. Kane’ since maybe the second time Pat had met him, agreeing easily when Pat insisted that he call him by his first name. Elliott shifted his weight, obviously uncomfortable and slightly flushed, but he was staring at Pat like he needed an answer. 

“Uh, Jonny…” Pat said, not wanting to be a dick, but not understanding what the fuck Elliott was playing at. If anything, he looked even more distressed now, taking a deep breath before answering, “I need a full name, sir,” and seriously, what was Elliott’s deal?

“Jonathan Toews,” Pat replied. “Tall, Canadian douchebag with a serious stick up his ass, apparently?” he finished, frustration bleeding through his voice despite his best efforts.

“I’m sorry sir, we don’t have a resident by that name. I’m going to have to ask you to leave the premises.” Elliott sounded like he was reading off a cue card, and his eyes dipped, no longer holding eye contact with Pat.

“Elliott, I don’t care what he told you,” Pat started, hearing the tremble in his own voice that meant he was close to losing it. His phone started vibrating in his pocket, and he silenced it, but only got a second of quiet before it started again. He ignored it, stalking towards Elliott. “I am going up there to see my idiot of a best friend; I don’t care if you do call the fucking police on me,” and Elliott went pale in front of him.

“Mr. Kane,” he tried again, but he was cut off by a loud “what the fuck!?” from Sharpy, who’d been minding his own business across the lobby, letting Pat fight it out with Elliott.

“Daddy!” Sadie gasped, hands on her cheeks and mouth dropped open in disbelief. Sharpy never swore in front of the girls. As soon as they were born he’d switched to “darn,” and “shoot,” and on one angry, memorable occasion “mother-fudging fudge stick!” No matter how much the guys chirped him for it in the locker room, he was determined that the girls wouldn’t grow up sounding like they were raised in a rink.

Pat whipped his head around to see what had gotten Sharpy’s attention, and saw him with his phone in his hand, trembling slightly.

“Peeks, get the fuck over here,” Sharpy demanded, and Pat went without even thinking. Sharpy shoved his phone into Pat’s face. “Did you know about this??”

#1988 #blackhawks snippet #o captain my captain #wip #angst #warning: this post contains a FAKE tweet

[killyourpoet]

What to expect on 12th September? (NEET 2021)

Hey everybody, if you're appearing for the NEET 2021 exam this Sunday (12th September 2021), I've compiled a list of some important things you might want to keep in mind.

The National Entrance-cum-Eligibility Test (NEET) is the national medical entrance exam in India. It is the only gateway into all medical schools in the country. It is conducted annually around May, but due to the COVID-19 pandemic, it has been postponed to September in 2020 and 2021. This year, 1.6 million students will be appearing for the exam.

[This list is by no means exhaustive, I only speak from my experience and the advice of friends and teachers. Feel free to add anything I might have missed out!]

How to make the most of this last week before the exam?

Do not experiment with anything new. Doing so might disturb the delicate subconscious programming that your brain has undergone through all these months of studying and practicing. By experimentation, I mean anything other than the routine that you've built while solving question papers. If you're used to starting with Biology, then moving on to Chemistry and ending with Physics, do not attempt to spice up your 3 hours by indulging in adventure sports like staring with Physics first. This will end in disaster.

Look through all the important things at least once. I know, I know. That's 10 fat books in one week. But remember that this is not the first time you're reading it. Skim. When you catch on something you're not too familiar with, only then should you actually read.

NCERT = holy book. Idk if you've heard but actually reading the books prescribed by the examining body will most definitely give you an edge over someone who hasn't. I cannot stress this enough. They will LITERALLY take out things from the NCERT and slap that onto the paper and call it a day. Remember that the examiners have to cater to those who do not have access to / cannot afford any sort of study material other than the NCERT. While study guides can help you interpret the NCERT, they cannot substitute it.

Have a plan. It doesn't have to be grand or very detailed. Just clearly defining what you intend to do with your time will suffice.

Set your internal clock. Practice at least one exam a day from 2:00 pm to 5:00 pm IST because that's when the actual exam is held. You want to maximize concentration and attention at that time of the day.

Practice answering on OMR sheets. This year, because of COVID, all your mock tests were probably online. In that case, take a few hours to practice exams on the OMR. The time management on that is very different from online exams.

Eat well. Remember to drink plenty of water. Try to eat things that have come directly from the earth and onto your plate. I know it's hard and the anxiety is enough to make you under eat / overeat but messing up because of something as trivial as meal choices would kinda suck tbh. Please do not eat an entire large pizza all by yourself the day before the exam. Stay the hell away from carbonated drinks for at least this one week. I am begging you. You might not notice but they seriously mess with your head. Whole foods are the way 2 go babes

What to expect on the day of the examination?

The NTA will be releasing the admit cards 3 days before the exam. Your exam centre and time slot to show up will be mentioned on it. This is most probably done to (a) prevent unfair practices and (b) give students enough time to visit the centre.

Know your exam centre beforehand. If you're living with your parents who will be driving you to the centre, you could even ask them to visit the centre the day before just so you don't waste time searching for the centre on the day of the exam. Believe me, a lot of people have lost an entire year because of this.

The peeing. Listen. They'll allow you to go to the washroom in the middle of the exam, of course. But if you ask me, try to avoid getting up to pee. Try to time your water such that you wouldn't have to pee during the exam. Please make sure you pee right before the exam. Idk about you but the exam pee has always been a real problem for me and together with my anxiety, it has ruined a lot of exams. It also breaks your momentum and you'll have to re-orient yourself when you get back. NEET isn't like JEE - it's not about how smart you are, it's about how efficient and accurate you are, because that's what a doctor needs to be.

Eat a light, nutritious meal. Something that'll give you energy but isn't too hard to digest. You don't want to nod off during the exam. That would be highly inconvenient.

Be on time. If you don't turn up on time, no matter what, you will not be allowed inside. Again, a lot of people I know have messed up here.

Security check. You will be checked before entering the centre. Do not wear anything dark (black, dark blue, dark brown etc). Do not wear jeans or any tight clothes. All your clothes must fit loosely and they must be light. This is done to prevent people from sneaking in transmission devices. If you wear long sleeves, you will be asked to cut them then and there. Do not wear heavily embroidered clothes. Do not have any metal on you. Take off all jewelry at home. If you wear a bra, remember to wear a sports bra or one that doesn't have any metal hooks. You can't wear shoes - your feet must be visible. Wear flip-flops or thin sandals. People have been made to take off their shoes before and write the exam barefoot. They will provide a fresh mask at the centre and gloves. This time, due to COVID-19 restrictions, they will not be doing body pat frisking, they will not be checking your ears and mouth. There will be bluetooth jammers in the exam hall to prevent any transmissions and the entire exam will be videographed.

Stay calm. I know it looks like a high security airport check and you'll probably be scanned several times and subjected to several layers of screening but remember - this is done so that nobody has an unfair advantage over you. India has incredibly clever people, but sometimes for the wrong reasons.

While writing the exam:

Don't panic. If you see a question that looks hard do! not! panic! because we always know more than we think we do!! Wait a second, linger for a moment and the answer should come to you.

Know what to leave. If you aren't aiming to get a perfect 720/720 then you should leave time consuming questions and try to do as many questions you know as possible. If you are aiming for a perfect score, do the same but remember that you need to leave sufficient time at the end to come back to them.

Repeat. Remember - this is just another one of the hundreds of exams you've done. Follow the same strategy you're used to. Most definitely DO NOT experiment in the final exam.

Lastly, always remember that ur super cool and smart and amazing and one mistake won't define you. Your worth is inherent and not determined by an exam. Your timeline is very different from someone else's. This is not a race, it's about doing things right. Your physical and mental health are more important than anything else in life. Do your best today and try again tomorrow. And then the day after that.

If you have any questions, feel free to message me :))

Best of luck!!

— Svante

#neetpreparation #neet 2021 #neetaspirants #nta neet #neet2022 #neetcoaching #neetbiology #neetphysics #neet chemistry #neetug #neet #national testing agency #exam #cbse #nta #studyblr #india #neet latest news #neet pg #jee main 2021 #jee advanced 2021 #jee main #neet ug 2021 #neet aspirant #medicine #medblr #med school #medical school #med student #hey saher

[bisluthq]

Hey! I'm fairly new here and I have a pretty uncommon take on Kaylor. But I just wanna start off by saying I try my best to be as supportive of LGBT people as possible and if they're both bisexual, then I would be 100% okay with that! I'm not trying to "defend their heterosexuality" or anything, I think that's really weird

Okay, so my personal theory is that Kaylor did happen, but that Taylor and Karlie are both straight. I know that might sound contradictory, but I say this based on my own personal experiences based on how I am with my best friend. I think Karlie and Taylor's relationship might have been similar in some ways to ours

Right, so I'm straight and I'm not into women in the gay kind of way (but it's completely cool that some girls are), and I have this roommate who's gorgeous. Really gorgeous, she's like a 10/10 "I would sell my kidney to look like you" kind of girl. She's very attractive, she has like tan skin and long legs and gorgeous brown hair and pretty eyes and nice lips and just like… she's just very good looking. I'm definitely jealous of her body, I won't even pretend I'm not 😪 I lowkey hate her because of it (jk)

We've been living together since not long before COVID started, and we're very good friends. There were three of us before, but our other roommate went back home to stay with her parents until in person classes are back on and we agreed to it and worked something out because she has really bad anxiety so we understood her reasoning for it

Anyway so it's just been us two and because we've been at home a lot during this time instead of out for most of the day like before, we've gotten to know each other a lot better and have become a lot closer. We were already friends from before, but now we're like super close besties, we've been hanging out a lot together and playing board games, watching movies, helping each other with essays, just having long conversations about anything and everything, etc

Like it's been so nice having a best friend that I can be this close to now because I haven't had a best friend since I was a kid

So my friend and I were having like a conversation last year about how hard it's been in quarantine not being able to go on dates and how we miss kissing people, and so we decided to just like, make out for fun you know. I mean, there's not really anything that's inherently romantic or sexual about making out, that's just society that says that. But tbh I think making out with your friends if you want to should be normalized, it's fun and it can even be emotional sometimes. It's not that different from hugging people

After a couple of weeks or so, I think we got bored of just making out with each other and decided to like, fully hook up. It started off because we were modelling lingerie for each other for banter and were pretending we were each other's runway judges and then I think we just decided to hook up with each other as like part of the whole "game". I can't remember who initiated it now, I think it might have been me as a joke lol

Like just in a platonic way for fun, as a kind of substitute until we can go back into society

And tbh I always expected hooking up with a woman to be like mediocre and boring and awkward, but although it was a bit hard to get the hang of at first and there was a learning curve, it's actually very enjoyable. Like I was very surprised actually at how hot it can be, I think I can maybe see why bisexual women and lesbians like doing it

Anyway we both liked it and we just carried on hooking up on the regular and it's been like 8 months now and tbh I just think it's very sweet and heartwarming, like it actually makes me feel a little emotional how we're close enough and care about each other enough that we can even help each other out with the physical intimacy side of things so that we don't get sexually frustrated while we're stuck in lockdown

I just think it's really cool and we even sleep in the same bed most of the time now because tbh what's the point in sleeping alone when you can sleep in the same bed as someone else? It's nicer, like you can cuddle and stuff

Anyway, I think that maybe Kaylor's relationship might have been similar. I think they're both straight but they became really close friends in a short space of time, and that their friendship was so intense that it became physical but in a platonic way

I think lesbians and bisexual women are amazing and I have so much respect for you guys for accepting yourselves in a society that tries to erase you, and I think there definitely needs to be more wlw representation on TV and in movies

But at the same time, I would also like there to be more close female friendships like the one that me and my friend have where you can just talk about everything together and do things that society usually reserves for romantic partners, but in a platonic way. Because female friendship is really important and beautiful, whether that's between straight women like me and my friend who I think is probably straight too, or between queer women because one thing I've learnt during my short time on this blog is how queer women can have very close platonic friendships with other queer women too

I think society just has overly strict ideas of "straight" and "gay". Like for some people, they would hear about two women sleeping together and think "Oh that's gay", but not necessarily because straight women can enjoy sleeping with other women too, like it's normal 🤷‍♀️

I think it's just a result of women being a lot more physically beautiful than men are, like straight women really got the short end of the stick tbh compared to straight men

I also think it's because women are so oversexualized in the media, and obviously straight girls see that too and so we sort of internalize that attraction to women because we're so used to seeing women being presented in a sexual way? Except it's not real attraction with us like how it is for queer girls

Like I'm very much "attracted" to my friend, she's genuinely stunning and just very hot tbh. But I still identify as straight because it's just a case of what I mentioned above, it's a "fake" attraction. And also because men are afraid to compliment other men because it's seen as "gay", but women can be fully confident in their sexuality and still recognize other women's beauty and sex appeal. You see it all the time in instagram comments, and I really love how we're all so supportive of each other like that

Like I can be fully confident in my sexuality and yet still say that some women like my friend are gorgeous as hell and also 100 times better looking than most men I've seen. I'm very much obsessed with some women's appearances but in a platonic way

And I just love the concept of "girl crushes" and I think that from a feminism viewpoint, it's beautiful that we're focusing on other girls and showing love towards other girls too, instead of just to men who, let's be real, don't even fully appreciate it half of the time

I am going to be sad when we all have to return to life as usual and my friend and I won't be able to spend as much time together anymore. I'm dreading it tbh, I don't want it to end yet. And it really sucks that the physical side of our friendship will probably have to stop too once our other roommate comes back because I think she'd definitely misunderstand the situation and think it's something different than it actually is if she ever saw us kissing or something. I really am going to miss it a lot though, I really like how things currently are and it's just really really nice and I don't want it to change :/

Btw I'm sorry if I sounded fetishistic or offensive with any of this, I just get a bit jealous sometimes that you guys get to date girls and we're just stuck with men. Honestly if it wasn't for all of the homophobia and the struggles that you all have to face and the fact that it would feel disrespectful to the LGBT community, I would probably really wish I could change my sexuality to be bisexual or gay instead because I just think women are better. Sometimes I really do wish I was into women in that way because dating girls just sounds so much more appealing to me (in a non fetishizing weird way) but unfortunately I'm stuck with dating men 🤦‍♀️ But I also know I'm lucky and privileged to be straight even though most men are mediocre and kinda gross and I don't mean to be disrespectful because I know you all have to face homophobia and other LGBT difficulties and it really sucks, people are awful. There's nothing wrong with women dating women or men dating men at all, society is just ugly and bigoted

Anyway, does anybody else have a similar sort of take on Kaylor where they think they could have both been straight and just had a very close friendship with a physical side to it? I think it would explain a lot. But like I said, this is just a theory of mine based on my own situation, and I'm also open to the idea that it was an actual relationship and that they're both into women for real, not just fake "into women" like I am.

Also pls feel free to call me out if I accidentally said anything offensive towards LGBT people, I tried my best but if I made a mistake anywhere pls let me know and I'll avoid it next time!

You’re not offensive. Please stop apologizing. And we’re gonna come back to the Kaylor stuff another time because... Honey. You and I need to have a conversation for a bit.

So firstly, I’m not trying to like “diagnose” you and at the end of the day it’s your choice what you want to call yourself but... tbh you might not be straight. Sexuality is fluid not static and exists on a spectrum not in absolutes. It’s not like it’s straight, 50/50 bi, gay and you’re born knowing and there’s no room for anything else. That’s not true. There’s a lot of room in between all of these and labels can change over time. We’re people, not cereal brands, and sometimes we don’t even KNOW the word for what we might be. I’m tagging a tag for you from when we asked people to share their label journeys for you to see. It’s not simple or easy and it’s not just because of external stuff - it’s because figuring this out internally is HARD. If you found yourself having such an intense friendship it became physical, repeatedly, you liked it a lot, you still sleep in the same bed and continue to share all your thoughts and you don’t want any of that to end... I’m not sure you’re Kinsey 0. And I think you might lowkey have a girlfriend dude. 

You can obviously prefer men but like... hun I reaaallly don’t think you’re completely straight.

Also: it’s okay to say “I see myself winding up with a man and this is a situationship for right now!” but that doesn’t make you straight because again, sexuality is a spectrum and you can manifest a particular kind of endgame while experiencing other things along the way.

But here’s where you really got me: “most men are mediocre and kinda gross” and “women being a lot more physically beautiful than men are, like straight women really got the short end of the stick tbh compared to straight men” because that’s the kind of thing I used to say in my Bi 1.0 era before I ID’d as a lesbian for a bit and before Harry Styles (KING 🥺) made me bi for real. Hun, no. Straight women like men. Tbh BI women like men. I genuinely, unironically, find Harry and Timmy and Matt Smith to be sexy beasts and I would do dirty things to the former two but maybe not the latter irl in 2021 but yes also him if I could be on that Spain trip with him and Karen where they got sloshed and which I think of often. These men are genuinely fucking beautiful to me in the same way Taylor is and Di Silvers is (okay she’s prettier than all of them but like same ~vibe) and like Megan Thee Stallion is and Indira Varma in everything but especially GOT and Gillian Anderson and Keira Knightley. Like those women are HOT to me and SO. ARE. THE. MEN. 

Straight women find SO MANY DUDES hot. So many. Starting from objectively pretty options I just cannot personally understand like Chris Evans all the way through to bitches who are outchea simping for wrestlers and Cole Sprouse. Do I understand? No. But like... that’s straight girl culture and ours is not to judge. 

If you’re struggling to find men hot then... you might be gay.

Also, I’m not sure what you mean by “fake attraction”. Like queer women - especially femme women which I assume you very much are - experience the same kinds of feelings straight girls do. We have women we want to be like and look like and find enviable (me and Oenone Forbat) and women we find aesthetically gorgeous (me and Anya Taylor Joy) and we have extremely close female friends who we can spend hours on end spilling our guts to - as you say female friendships are truly special - and without going into personal people that you don’t know, that’s me and Cam and Sim right? I literally talk to them for hours. Like those are not gay feelings. And yes we can chat about those kinds of feelings with straight girls and call them “girl crushes” and not immediately get “caught out” because they experience this exact shit too.

But here’s the thing. They never do and I don’t want in the cases above to fuck these women. It’s not sexual.

The moment I can actually imagine fucking the women in question that’s... gay. 

Like it’s not “fake attraction” it’s literally just gay. That’s how we desire women. We want to fuck them. Not all women. Not always. But sometimes we want to get under or on top of one and just really truly fucking make each other moan with pleasure.

I have no idea if Karlie or Taylor are into women. They could both literally be straight. I have no idea.

But I have a better idea about you.

Hun, you’re fucking your roommate/best friend and don’t want to stop.

You’re not “into women”.

You’re into this woman.

And possibly into women more generally.

So I know it’s weird to have to be the one to tell you this, and if you want to keep chatting via anon or in my DMs or if you want me to try collate resources for you from around the web but...

Like.

Dude.

You’re a whole ass part of the rainbow.

Welcome to the community you thought you weren’t a part of earlier today 🌈 ❤️

It’s nice here, sure there’s homophobia, but at least we get to fuck girls and man is it good.

#agony aunat #share your label journey #roommate anon <3

[scarecoen]

Trigger warning ⚠️ domestic violence.

I've typed this story a million times so I'm just going to summarize as much as I can.

A few days ago I was assaulted by my partner's family members. And as I've mentioned, I've typed this a million times and I'm honestly just exhausted thinking about it, but we could use some help.

My partner has always had a transphobic family. (I don't have anyone but my dad, who's in no position to help anyone.)

Her mom used her disability against her and manipulated her into giving her MOST of her checks. She's abused the system and my girlfriend.

When I met Jackie, she was with a terrible biggot. Jackie had came out, and her mother conspired with an abusive long distance ex, to fly her here, to stage an "intervention" and stop my partner from transitioning.

It worked. For years.

I met Jackie here on tumblr, we became good, SECRET friends because she wasn't allowed to talk to anyone.

I told Jackie openly about my views regarding gender and how I myself, was not cis.

Eventually she told her partner about us playing games together, which she responded to by harassing me.

Jackie ended up spilling the beans to me, about her mom, about the ex, everything. I realized that she had been extremely isolated and controlled her whole life.

So I intervened.

I got the two of them to separate, which wasn't smooth because Jackie was scared. She had been with her abuser for 9 years at this point. She's never known anything else.

The ex moved back to her state, and I started seeing Jackie, although she was stuck at her mom's... who was trying to play innocent at this time.

Eventually, I kinda just came and picked her up, she stayed the night, she didn't want to go back home. And I can't blame her. The house wasn't only disgusting, her family microagressed her all the time and they would tell her to pretty much stay in a dark room all day.

Ofc I didn't bring her back.

During early quarantine, we had a lot of self reflection and she started distancing herself from her mother, coming around to holding her accountable for her horrible actions.

Her mom messaged her things like "Why won't you talk to me? It's like you're trying to punish us!" Ect, just every fucking manipulative thing she could say, without ever apologizing.

Unfortunately the place we were staying fell through when my best friend's ex husband decided he wants a divorce and decided to throw in some transphobic hatespeach towards me.

We were all looking for somewhere to go.

I'm sure you know where this is going but listen, she told us EVERYTHING we wanted to hear. She told us she's not hateful now, told us she would go to trans support groups, pride, said she's realized how much she loves Jackie and it's time to accept her- and look- we had NO WHERE TO GO. We have 2 cats and at the time, a car that has no a/c or functional locks. AND I have a chronic autoimmune condition that I recently started taking chemo meds for. (Methotrexate.)

I'm too sick to be on the street, and survive. I had to think about me, Jackie, Zoe, and Boops.

And Jackie wanted to go..

I told her we'd be cautious and try to get out asap.

Well, looking for places right when the housing market crashed really fucked us up. That- and because I had only just finally got approved for disability, means I was set back in life- and had no credit to my name. No credit= no place to live.

I had almost built enough, but things went down hill very quickly with her family. Which leads us to right now:

After weeks of microagressions, giving us breakthrough covid cases, yelling at us to clean other's messes, and forcing us and our cats to isolate in our room, many broken promises, and straight up transphobic hatespeach (because she promised to get vaccinated but then said nvm as soon as we moved in and she went on vacation and got covid and gave it to us, which nearly killed me--) she said not getting the vaccine "IS A CHOICE, JUST LIKE YOU BEING TRANS AND TAKING *gestures to my testosterone* THOSE DRUGS."

We just were avoiding each other while I desperately try to gather resources for us to get out, NOW.

Of course, that wasn't good enough, so when her step father messaged her in all caps about our cats having to stay in our room and "I WON'T FUCKING TELL YOU AGAIN" my partner had a breakdown..

Her mom had let her step dad talk to her like this her whole life, basically.

Out of desperation, we went to her sister for help, maybe hoping she'd give us a place to stay for two weeks while we sign off on the lease for our new apartment.

She pretended to want to help and even said... something fucking weird? She made the comment that I'm a good person and I'm so much like her own boyfriend, that it's "scary"...

A few hours later she came to the house. She talked nicely to us, to gain access to our bedroom.

Then she attacked me.

I called the police right before, and was on the phone with dispatch when she lunged at me because she was aggressively trying to MAKE Jackie go into a separate room WITHOUT ME and Jackie was saying no, BEGGING her to STOP.

I wasn't going to let her take Jackie into that room. She looked fucking crazy.

All of the family came into our room, her two sisters, her mom, and her cousin- When they heard yelling.

It was actually me telling her mom that she's a terrible mother, that triggered her sister to try and attack me- although I knew she was planning on trying to from the moment she came into our room.

And that was after her mom was screaming in my face that if I have something to say, say it now.

Dispatch heard everything and sent emt as well...

But the police stayed outside, talking to them for a WHILE before even asking for us.

Her cousin is the only one that would have stood up for me, saying her sister never should have tried to hit me. But he was in the room with Jackie, giving her support...

I faced the cops alone.

He already had "that look."

He shined a light into my eye, letting the family stay on the porch, throwing insults and just letting it happen. He asked me where I'm hurt, and before I could even show him the scratches on my arm, he said "how do I know YOU didn't put those there?"

I wanted to fucking die in that moment.

This is a conservative city.

No one has equality stickers here. No one flies gay flags. People here that are lgbt- they LEAVE.

This is EXACTLY WHY.

I said "well is there any reason I should tell you anything when, clearly, you're already bias?"

I looked at the emts. I looked at his partner. I looked at all the lights and people coming out of their houses-

And behind me was her family.

Her sister that assaulted me, was laughing about having work in the morning.

All of them were looking at me, with hate in their eyes.

He tried to feed me bullshit about "well if I'm taking someone to jail, there has to be proof."

He dismissed everything I attempted to say, until I just stared at the ground and he decided he did his job here.

I told him my whole fucking body hurts because I had 4 people fucking toss my 100lbs ass all over the fucking room, which was a mess that he refused to look at.

He said "I don't see bruises."

I SPAT "BRUISES TAKE TIME?"

He retorted IMMEDIATELY- "YOU'RE NOT EVEN RED."

I asked what about the dispatcher- she seemed concerned- to which he said "you see, sometimes when people call us- they scream and be dramatic- for a quicker response."

I asked what we could do while the two weeks go by for our new place, and he fucking said "I DONT KNOW. BARRICADE YOURSELF IN YOUR ROOM OR SOMETHING."

Needless to say, we are now safe, in a hotel and I've gotten in touch with a few lgbt organizations that are attempting to help us get justice.

Unfortunately because it's a holiday weekend, all we can do is wait right now.

Our first order of business is getting a protection order, so that we can retrieve the rest of our things without her sister trying to attack us again. (I say us because she kept jumping towards Jackie, like she was threatening to hit her.)

I've been so gaslit and victim blamed that I was too scared to go to the er, even though this all happened in the midst of a flare, possibly including my liver health.

There's so much more to this story, as I'm sure other trans people can relate.. unfortunately.

The emts reluctantly offered to take me to the er, but I was like "and leave my partner here with them?" And he just fucking shrugged dude.

I hate this city.

I want out so bad but unfortunately I've committed to a year, but at least it'll be *our* apartment.

We could NOT stay there for two more weeks. Her step dad is a violent offender that has attempted to murder a homeless prostitute over some fucking pocket change- and he has a GUN in the house.

This hotel might run us into a hole, despite it being the cheapest, shittiest hotel in town, it's still going to be about 700$ for ONE week.

To ADD INSULT TO INJURY, SOMEONE ATTEMPTED TO STEAL MY VEHICLE WHILE WE'VE BEEN STAYING HERE.

I'm feeling incredibly paranoid and unsafe, but I'm on anxiety meds now at least and its SORTA helping us cope (My partner and I have the same Dr and she gave her permission to have some.)

The organization BRAVO is trying to help us with a hotel voucher, but because of all the natural disasters, it's hard to find room in charity for people like us, which is fair enough. We aren't immediately on the street, and for that I'm incredibly thankful.

However, if you or anyone you know wish to help you can donate to venmo: kittyzibby. Or you could just signal boost this.

If you can't help, I understand. And IF YOU'RE STRUGGLING FINANCIALLY, don't worry about it, for real.

Right now I'm just scared we'll go into debt before getting the apartment settled in.

I will update on things once our case moves along more, and we were already considering turning to OF sexwork before all of this, so if there could be support that way, maybe we'll get that going once we get moved in. That way, I feel good about providing a service in return.

Thank you so much for sticking with us during all of this. And really- we're doing much better today. We've given each other pep talks, but we are still determined to start our lives together.

Her family was merely trying to scare me away from her, but I got my girl's name tatted on me for a reason.

I know I'm not the bad person here.

Every time Jackie is feeling more gender euphoric, and showing me her changes, and seeing her get more confident, the more I know that what I'm doing with and for her, is right.

I love her so much. And I will never abandon her, like they tried to get me to do.

Jackie is taking a break from some socials, but she's given me permission to talk about what's been happening.

She needs justice too.

I will update as much as I can, but seriously, I think we both just have a fire under our asses now.

Mentally, we're stronger than ever.

Thank you for reading. My heart really goes out to the rest of the queer community that have experienced or are going through similar things.

It's really made me realize why we need to stick together and fight this bigotry bullshit! 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈

#tw abuse #tw #trigger warning #tw domestic violence #tw trauma #tw assault #tw hatecrime #tw transphobia #tw homophobia #alt #emoboy #emo boy #piercings #altboy #alternative #vent #trans #ftm #genderqueer #nonbinary #enby #nb #transmasc #transgirl #transpoc #trans poc #battery #bruises #tw bruises #tw scratches

[rabbitrah]

The Worst Kind of Movies

When people ask me what kind if movies I like, I have a hard time answering because I like every single genre. Obviously an individual film can be good or bad on multiple axis (script, acting, visuals, concept, presence of bigoted shit or lack thereof) but there's not a single genre I would throw under the bus. Except one.

Movies That Make Me Want to Fucking Die 🤪

This isn't a formally recognized genre, but I think it should be, so I could avoid it better. The reason that I think it's a genre rather than a quality is that these films can be well-written and well-acted and well-directed (or not) and that has no bearing on the fact that they make me want to Stop Existing. In fact, I feel like these films were intentionally designed to make people hate life and being alive. I evaluate movies based on how well they achieve their goal, and I think the goal of these movies is to cause misery and a hatred of life itself. I am NOT talking about sad films or tragedies or bad-ending horror or distressing documentaries. Sobbing etc is different from wanting to Leave The Planet. I've tried looking for lists of movies that people say make them want to die and they're never what I'm talking about. Not Dear Zachary, not American History X. Ultimately those films made me sob uncontrollably and go "shit's fucked up" but they didn't extinguish my will to live. What I'm talking about is like the exact opposite of a ghibli film. There Is No Hope There is Nothing. Anyway, here are the films that have made me feel this way:

The Great New Wonderful (2005)

This is the most misleading poster I've ever seen in my life. It's not a comedy. It's about 5 people all living out different horrible little scenarios. It's a post 9/11 reactionary thing but not in the normal way. Watching this destroyed a part of my soul.

Carriers (2009)

This was a straight-to-dvd movie I watched with a friend because we were baby trekkies and its staring Chris Pine. The whole time I was like "Why no theater release? This is a perfectly acceptable apocalypse flick." And then the ending happened and I wanted to fucking Die. Looking at the wikipedia page, apparently it's had a resurgence of popularity because of covid? 😐

House of Sand and Fog (2015)

This one gave me a panic attack in front of my entire religion class so that Sucked. Interestingly, I think this was also a piece of post 9/11 reactionary filmmaking so maybe that's a running thread.

Transamerica (2005)

This one is an outlier in that it made me want to die and then was able to rub some aloe vera on the wound before the credits rolled, allowing me to crawl away with my will to live intact. I've never talked to other trans people abt this movie so idk what the general trans opinions are but it made me feel Bad and Gross and the fact that it's a trans-centric story meant that I was associating Bad and Gross things to a trans narrative at a time when I was trying to figure out my own gender stuff so.... Yeah. Feels bad man.

Circle

The fact that this movie is objectively just kind of bad actually made it affect me way less than the others. I was able to shake it off easier as a "well that sucked." Had it been higher quality but followed the same narrative strokes, it would have crushed me like a bug.

The Ballad of Buster Scruggs (2018)

This was a shock for me because I really like the Coen brothers. Dark, yes, but not "I want to kms." Full disclosure, I couldn't finish it. I am old enough and wise enough now to see "Oh, this is one if those," and turn it off before the feeling gets Deeper.

Beatriz at Dinner (2017)

Honestly the movie was objectively high quality in every way, it just made me want to fucking die 😖

ANYWAY this post is part warning, part "is it just me?" and part open invitation to tell me any movies that fall into this character so I can avoid them and continue to want to live 😌🙏

#suicidal ideation #<- implied though not fr fr #like yes these movies DO make me want to die but not in a literal dangerous way just in a #alright im gonna head out #way #film #txt #long post #negative

[mymusicalitylove]

Love Lies

2o2o was supposed to be my year! So far this first quarter has proven that statement is false. I am reminded of the old proverb, “You make plans, and God laughs”. I hope this is hilarious to me at some point too, because I love to have me some laughs. 😒

Right now I feel like I’m back to treading water, attempting to stay afloat and figure out what is next. YET AGAIN. Stopped worrying about finding my partner and worked on planning my Eat Pray Love Adventure. Covid killed that dream (for now) - no more planning for the Italian holiday I was gifting myself. No more being out in public because precautions for this Covid craziness are now so serious that the government is encouraging everyone to “shelter in place” in order to slow down the spread of this thing. This is really not what the doctor ordered for someone who already overthinks when left to her own devices, but I get it, and hope it truly works to start curbing this nightmare.

Work is the only thing I have going for me, despite it being a riveting shit show of new protocols mandated every few hours. Oh, and working at a hospital obviously puts me at risk of catching this virus we are supposed to be isolating from. I am further opting to not get together with friends/family in case I am already carrying something, so I do not infect them. Just this weekend I canceled three separate plans I had been looking forward to. This reality only further fuels my loneliness and feelings of frustrations with where things are at in my life.

Wednesday was a disaster day at work. I already was at a deficit due to feeling emotionally down, and with an ugly tension migraine that I have had more days than not over the last couple weeks. Two traumas. An expired patient’s family to comfort and keep updated. An APS worker informing me about a patient I needed to admit because it was unsafe for her to go home. A potential placement issue for a non-compliant patient. And the case that took the cake and the majority of my night, dealing with SJPD and a father for a CPS case with the most adorbs 3 yr old girl, with a very complicated and infuriating situation. I didn’t get home until 12:30 am.

I am grateful for my work ethic and ability to kick into high gear for the work I do. I know I gave 100% to my patients and their families despite not feeling even 60% on the inside. I am proud of the work I did, but it took everything in me to keep it together and not burst into tears at any point. I saved that for my drive home.

Some days, I am totally fine. Thursday was a little better. Friday I was in a much better space and worked day shift then went out for a friend’s birthday. This will probably end up being the last time out in public for who knows how long. I had a great and very needed laughter-filled night. Saturday and Sunday I was supposed to go to the Caldwells’ home. Rather than infect them, I stayed home. And rather than be productive and organize the mess I’ve been calling my home, I Netflixed and chilled. And slept and wallowed in my social distancing depression. And rather than work on crafty/creative things which I know bring me life, I am now writing here trying to make sense of things so I can go to bed with a lighter mind.

This song spoke to me from the time it came out because I felt it in so many ways. I know I can be a hot mess sometimes, but feel that is what makes me ME. Unapologetically me, myself, and I. 

Sorry if it's hard to catch my vibe I need a lover to trust, tell me you're on my side Are you down for the ride? It's not easy for someone to catch my eye But I've been waitin' for you for my whole damn life Are you into me? When it feels so good, but it's bad for you Can't say I don't want it 'cause I know I do Come on over, I need your company Cravin' that synergy

I feel I am a genuine person because I am comfortable with who I am and consider myself to be a pretty open book, but I definitely have layers that are not easy to shed with just anyone right away. I often hear that I make others feel comfortable, and I cannot tell you how many times I hear people’s entire life stories because apparently ‘social worker’ is permanently tattooed on my forehead (even before I decided to become one). I have learned to appreciate that others feel safe with me right off the bat because I know it can be very difficult to be that vulnerable. 

As I’ve gotten older, I realize I am a lot less tolerant of bullshit. I would rather communicate about issues and let’s squash it to move on before it becomes something bigger. I cannot tolerate passive aggressive behavior because I have endured it far too often, and it’s become such a thing that my friend calls me “no Bullshit Betty” - what you see, is what you get. My younger years involved a lot of avoiding conflict and shoving shit under the rug, which is what has led me to the Eeyore-like state I’ve been pulling out of over the last few years. I have felt the growth and buoyancy of letting go and healing from a lot of my past hurts. I’m further evolving into a better version of myself, and I am proud of who I continue to become.

I think this is what makes it so hard to accept my “singleness”. I feel ready to find my person and enjoy my growth with that person, while also supporting theirs. I know I have a lot to offer because I have a huge heart and am ready to give it to the right guy who will value and treasure it. I am not wanting someone to make me feel loved because I don’t already love myself; I do not need someone, because I know I have been kickin’ ass and takin’ names on my own for the last four years. I do miss having a partner to share my day to day with, and enjoy in all that it is to be in a loving relationship. “Cravin’ that synergy” = accurate af. 

Do I remember all the responsibility and bullshit that also comes with being in a relationship? Sure, but I feel that I have learned a shitload from my past relationships, as well as my time of solitude. I tried the “no strings attached” thing while I was jaded and healing, because I was closed off and was not willing to open up. That worked for a while.. until I eventually grew to want all the “strings” (positive and negative) that come along with it. I confirmed that was not the right situation for me, even though deep down I knew that going into it. I feel as though I am now ready for a relationship, but again.. God laughs, because clearly I am still needing to learn or experience things on my own. 2o2o was supposed to be a reboot for me.. instead it has been a string of constant reminders of the crap I’ve tried to escape from.  

Ok.. I am reeeeally trying to trust this extremely elongated process. Everything happens (or doesn’t happen) for a reason, amiright...?

03/16/2020 - 1:57 AM