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thegainingdesk · 6 months

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I've been hovering between 36" and 38" trousers for a little while. I've noticed this past week that my trousers were getting uncomfortable every time I wore them, but for the life of me I couldn't find any of my 38s. A couple of pairs were definitely in the wash, but I knew for a fact there's at least one clean pair somewhere. Whatever, they're pinching but I'll live in these 36s for a while and just be glad that I've officially, unequivocally made the transition up a size.

I actually bothered checking the label today. These are my 38s. My 36s won't just be "pinching", they're completely out of the question. And I don't want to say "I wear 40" waist trousers" if I've not actually tried them on, but... I mean, I'd better buy a couple of pairs, right? Should I pick up a pair of 42s? For that inevitable moment?

There's something so utterly visceral about outgrowing clothes. The increasing tightness against your growing body, contrasting with the blessed relief, the comfortable looseness once you size-up - and knowing, knowing, that soon you'll fill up all that extra space too, that soon these clothes will be the ones that are too tight, too restricting, too small, ready for the process to repeat.

Maybe, to some extent it's because it's so much easier to compare clothing sizes - weights are tricky. I see someone the same weight as me and I think how much bigger they look, or how my gut is rounder, or my thighs are softer, or their moobs bigger . Clothes sizes are official - we wear the same size, we fill the same volume. You're still in 36s? Ah, shame, I've just bought a pair of 40s.

Over the summer I went on a short holiday with friends. At one point, me and one of my closest friends were just lounging about on the sofa in our pyjamas, half-asleep, Wimbledon on in the background while everyone was out. We both sort-of woke up at about the same point, and he made a little comment about my shirt riding up. I tried to tug my shirt down and he just laughed because clearly it wasn't working. Now, this friend is straight, but we're close, he's made some jokes about my weight gain, he's at least semi-aware that I at least don't mind the added weight (a story for a different time), so he doesn't particularly mind my gut sticking out a touch, but he says I should probably put on something a bit more covering before everyone else is back.

And as I'm changing I realise that I was wearing a large t-shirt. Now, at the time I was sort of between L and XL - both worked, I could tell L's were getting a little restrictive, and I had a desired trajectory towards adding some X's, so my wardrobe was a bit of a mix of the two, but up until that point, large shirts had definitely fit. All of a sudden, they're not just a little tight, or I can feel the difference or whatever, they're indecently small - literally, someone had just told me to change to make myself decent. And that's a large; it's in the name, right? It's not huge but it's large. Larger than average. Larger than most people.

And this friend is a lot smaller than me - he wears small and medium shirts. All of a sudden I'm realising that this shirt, the shirt I'd just outgrown, that I'll never fit into again, would be way too big for him. I'm not just bigger than him, I'm bigger than people who are bigger than him. If he asks me to borrow a shirt, I have to apologise for how my old, too-tight shirt from the back of my wardrobe will be too big for him, but it'll work in a pinch. I ask him if I can borrow a shirt and I'll burst out of it like a scene from one of my stories.

Better buy some 2XL's ready for the next time he has to make a comment like that. Some 42s as well. Hopefully I'll be in them before Wimbledon rolls round again.

#weight gain #personal ramblings #personal #not a story #gaining

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lawlietscaramels · 3 months

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Can we get Z,T,S and C with L please?

-🌜anon

death note reborn

also hello 🌜 anon! I think your ask is the next one sitting in my inbox and I'm excited to write it :)

I've mentioned it before I believe, but what brings L to a state of zen is rain. And again I'll mention I don't think it actually brings him that sense of calm and belonging unless he's somewhere small. A garden. A driveway. An onsen. I should draw L in rain. He likes the way each single drop of rain is its own individual part of the whole. He likes how they all "work together." He likes the sound. It reminds him of England.

L is terrified of very few things. He has fears, yes, I think he's scared of thunder and also of zombies, and of being unloved and forgotten. which is very likely, nobody noticed that L had died (he's still alive) and Light took over except for people who knew/had been told that he had died. the world only knew him as a detective not even a person and why do I want to make myself cry today, sigh. Anyway. The thing he's number one most afraid of is losing his ability to think and speak and communicate. So any virus that attacks the brain absolutely TERRIFIES him. He lies awake at night thinking about lyssavirus/rabies and listeria and everything else he's heard of (let's be honest L has a weak immune system the common cold could probably kill him). Any brain damage at all, anything related to it, terrifies him.

SEXUALITY & GENDER HEADCANONS LET'S GO,, okay. L usually just tells people it's none of their business, 1) because it's none of their business and 2) because it takes him a while to list it all (he'd go into more detail than I have). L identifies as: arospec (demiromantic), acespec (greysexual) and pan (he thinks from a technical definition he'd be omni, as he has a preference for men, but he prefers the pan label). When asked by someone what his gender is he'll inevitably reply "what the fuck is gender lol" — the wording because he thinks it's funny and the sentiment because he honestly does not care about gender. L is just L. He looks masc because it's just easier to keep going the way he was raised and he accepts he/him pronouns mostly but you could refer to him as anything and he wouldn't care. Would probably be surprised because he's accustomed to being called he/him but would not care. He'd also wear dresses and skirts and whatever if it was a more appropriate choice for the situation or weather n stuff. oops haha I wrote a lot.

Oh boy talking about L and the change questions is gonna be a lot. One of my favourite things to think about is L's inner conflict and how much he wants to change but is at the same time afraid of it. Iirc he mentions in canon that he knows his own methods aren't great but doesn't make any effort to change them. I think the main reason for that is that he's been brought up knowing how unjust the justice system is and being taught that it's okay for him to do bad things if it makes the bad people go away, i.e. the ends justify the means. So he's afraid he won't be as good of a detective if he follows the law he upholds. Watari probably doesn't help very much with that. But L DOES want to be a good person, otherwise he's a hypocrite and creating as many problems as he prevents. As for how he has changed, well, he went from a poor little boy to someone who was told their only purpose was their intelligence and raised to be a brilliant detective at the same time as his own individuality and life was destroyed and that's really sad to me. When I write L I hope to write him learning to be a person outside of his work. once again it's the Rie formula my dear OC there to let me rewrite everything for a happy AU. HELP I wrote even more for that one shhfhfhfnfgn.

#i have too many fickifin thoughts about L #death note reborn #death note #l lawliet #writing #death note headcanons #dn #lei's lawliet #lei writes #lei's death note #watari

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multiplicity-positivity · 11 months

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Do you have any advice on becoming host? I want to be host really badly and I've been fronting a lot more but I don't think that's enough to call myself the host

Hi! So Kip (hey) is our system’s protector-turned-cohost, and here’s how sea did that!

1) Notice when you’re fronting. When you front, keep track of things your system has to do to function, like self care, work/school, hobbies, obligations, and maintaining relationships. Figure out which of these things you could accomplish if you needed to. Hosts are often fronting, which means they’ll have to take on a huge chunk of helping the system function from day to day!

2) Be open with the rest of your system about your goals and intentions. Ask your headmates what they think about you becoming host. If your system currently has a different host, ask them how they would feel about being replaced or having you step up to cohost with them. Listen to your system, take their advice, and hear their input and suggestions.

3) Set your life and surroundings up with things to help trigger a switch when you’re not fronting. Things like a playlist of your favorite music, keeping your favorite snack on hand, having a picture of yourself or something that reminds your headmates of you nearby. Get comfortable with switching often and understand as a host you may have to switch in and out much more often than the other members of your system.

4) Reassure your headmates that you have the whole system’s best interests at heart. Let them know that, were you to become the system’s host, you would not suppress any other headmates from fronting, and would step away from the front if you had to. Making sure the whole system is on the same page and no member feels slighted may make it easier for you to switch effortlessly when necessary.

5) If your system has a gatekeeper, ask them to help you facilitate this shift. Our gatekeeper controls the fronting space and determines who fronts and when. It’s up to her to organize and execute switches that aren’t triggered randomly or through roles. So if, for example, Ralsei wanted to front for therapy, as a chores-doer and caregiver, they could not do that without our gatekeeper’s help. If your system functions similarly, getting your gatekeeper to help keep you in front may be beneficial.

And remember - if you front more than the other members of your system, you’re welcome to call yourself a host. Also it’s okay for the label to be fluid. You may call yourself a host one week then decide you’re not actually a host the next! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this. So if you’re already fronting a lot, you may not need to do anything different in order to start calling yourself host.

Good luck with this endeavor! We wish you and your system the very best in this time of change. Thanks for reaching out!

🌸 Margo and 🐢 Kip

#system host

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csleko · 11 months

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Boba Fett Helmet (Take 2)

Apparently I never actually posted the original on Tumblr. Hmm. Should I post it separately, or just combine it into this one about the new one? I'll combine them.

VERSION 1 (The not-so-good one)

I've gone into detail about advantages and disadvantages of printing in resin, and they all apply with this first attempt at printing the helmet. Resin printers generally have smaller build plates, and even though the Elegoo Saturn's main selling point was its large plate, it was still too small to print these pieces without further cutting them down. The two bottom pieces needed to be cut in half, and the dome had to be cut into quarters. Because of this, there were many gaps to fill in and seams to try to cover up, and some parts didn't line up 100%.

Also: in a rare case of the resin printer's precise detail working *against* me, you may notice a lot of polygons from the 3D model showing through despite my best sanding efforts. ALSO also: Yes, I do have to leave sticky notes for myself reminding me to leave things the hell alone while glue is drying.

My main method of filling in seams and gaps was to just drip resin into them and hit it with my UV flashlight. You can also do this to "weld" resin print pieces together, but I find it easier to use superglue to hold them together, then seal the attachment points with resin. If I spent a little more time, I probably could have completely eliminated those dome seams.

Time to paint. Did a whole coat of green, then taped the crap out of it to do the red visor part. Didn't bother taping the cheek indents because I was going to have to paint over them anyway, so it didn't matter if they got red on them. I ended up doing them by hand instead of spray painting. I also had to do the tan ear pieces by hand because I didn't have any tan spray paint.

You may notice the "brow" doesn't quite line up with the bottom, and because of that the antenna base that's supposed to sit flat against the side of the helmet...doesn't, and leaves a pretty big gap. Besides just looking wrong, this made it difficult to glue the piece on because it left a lot less contact area with the helmet. The left ear piece warped while printing, so that in addition to the brow sticking out too far kept it from sitting flat. And for some reason the antenna came out really bendy, so it drooped under the weight of the rangefinder.

So yeah! That's everything wrong with version 1, and why I decided to give it another try with my new printer.

VERSION 2

I'm glad I experimented with the Bo Katan helmet first, because I learned a lot of helpful things from that project. Like the fact that my head isn't as big as I thought, so I don't need to print large sized helmets. Also that it's better it to just wait out the hours for high-quality prints, than to rush them and try to fix the flaws afterward.

Because this helmet is slightly smaller than the first one, and my filament printer has a massive build plate, I didn't need to cut any of the pieces to fit. I was even able to print the whole dome. The helmet model consists of two bottom halves, a vent section that goes between them on the back, and the dome. Shockingly, printing them as designed does wonders for fitting them together and much more effectively minimizes gaps, seams and alignment issues.

Fortunately, the less detailed printing method made the polygons much less of a problem. Unfortunately, much sanding and filler is needed to smooth out those rough layer lines.

NOTE: I use a caulk called Kwik Seal for filling and smoothing, but if you go out to get some of this stuff to use yourself MAKE SURE you pay attention to the labels and get the white one. There's also a transparent version that comes in tubes that look exactly the same except it says "transparent." The transparent stuff SUCKS for prop making. It's VERY sticky, and according to the label it can take 2+ weeks to fully dry and cure before you can sand or paint it. The white stuff has a much more manageable consistency, isn't sticky at all, and dries in MINUTES. And yes, I did learn this the hard way. Luckily it didn't ruin anything.

And just to be sure it's absolutely as smooth as I can possibly get it, I hit it with two coats of Plasti-Dip.

And yeah! Pretty much the same painting process as the first one, since that actually worked out pretty well. Except I actually got some tan spray paint to do the ear pieces. And the stripes are actually orange this time. On version 1 the paint went on orange, but faded to an almost yellow when it dried. So I just used a darker orange. Not thrilled with how they turned out, but I decided to let it go before I ruined something trying to redo them too many times.

AND THE ANTENNA ISN'T DROOPING ANYMORE. Resin is weird sometimes. I figured it *must* have been something to do with curing it, but no amount of extra time in the UV bucket would make the first antenna less rubbery. I even tried reprinting it and modified it to make it detachable so I wouldn't have to rip the whole base apart again to change it out, but it still came out droopy. The good news is I never actually glued the rangefinder onto the first antenna, so I was able to just pop it off and stick it on the new one, and I didn't have to print another one.

The files to print this helmet can be found on Thingiverse.

#cosplay #boba fett #mandalorian #3d printing #book of boba fett #star wars #sci fi #bounty hunter

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anime-clickanddrag-geemu · 2 years

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Hi there! If it isn't rude of me to ask, how long does it usually take you to make one click and drag game?

Hi! I don't find it rude at all! I think it'll be a fun thing to answer actually

I'm gonna go long with this one, do bear with me!

So it usually depends! Anything I make from scratch will definitely take longer than anything I've already created gifs/banners for. If there are a lot of characters (~20-50), it'll take a WHILE (like ~2-4 hours) but if there are only a handful, it can take just about 45min to 1.5 hrs)

If you want me to go into specifics, I'll go through my step process! first, I'll have to look for pictures to use and crop them all which would generally take me 5-7 minutes for each character. Then I'll have to compile those images into multiple gifs which would take me roughly about 3-5 minutes for each different gif. Then, the last step would be to finally add the labels and "@" for each gif (taking ~2 minutes each)

After explaining this process, you can imagine how long it'd take to create gif sets that include 20+ characters 🥴

For this blog, it's much more of a straightforward process that I stick to more consistently in comparison to how I do things in @deescade. In @deescade I basically follow the same process, but now, I'll be including the time it takes to brainstorm new ideas/themes/scenarios. Things will take a LOT longer because I try my best to be creative with 'em. (Especially for games that include text/worded outcomes such as Date! Scenario or 7MiH). Whereas, on @anime-clickanddrag-geemu , I simply use the standard outcomes (bff, rival, lover, cockblock, etc.) that you'd often see in the original click and drag games back in 2014-2015, so there's no extra level of creativity that's required of me

I'm not sure if you've seen my games from when I first started out this blog @anime-clickanddrag-geemu (back in 2018), but if you look back at them, you'll notice how a lot of them were not mobile friendly and were quite plain in terms of format. Back then, I would use only one base gif to use for the rest of the options so if you screenshotted it, your results would mostly end up being the one single character (or sometimes 2 of the same characters) you screenshotted. So in order to get a wider variety of characters/results, I would take the extra step of creating multiple, differently ordered gifs, specifically 9 gifs in total.

My process required less time before, but as my click and drag games began to grow more popular and have been getting more feedback on it over the years, I'm spending more time in order to fix those kinks and inconveniences to the best of my ability. I feel like I've accomplished that with @deescade the most, which is why I'm much more active there than on here. The ideas that I come up with on deescade are more fun and interesting too, albeit it takes longer to create.

It's a really tedious process that I'd rather not spend that much time on, but if it makes my games easier to enjoy for myself and others, then I don't mind it too much.

Thanks for asking this question, I enjoyed answering it! :)

Stay safe!

-Nene

#interactions!!#nene's rambling

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fushigurro · 8 months

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i’m interested in you and toji, sweet dahlia!! 😠❤️‍🔥

u are so very sweet and i thank you for sending these!!!!! <33 i've been thinking about them instead of working LMAO i'm so long-winded sry 😪

😠: what's the worst fight you've had?

okay okay so i feel like we squabble often on a relatively surface level but one of our biggest fights probably happened during the process of us trying to determine what we actually were to each other. things with us didn't exactly start out with the intention of 'oh yes we're both looking for a relationship let's go out and date and see where things go!!' because, well… he's toji, and i'm me. i was not really interested in getting involved with somebody and neither was he, but he likes to bounce around between women and get his dick wet ofc.

anyways. cue the attachment eventually settling in after a while of messing around. he's still somewhat in the mindset of 'this is not that serious' because he's in denial, and i'm not exactly wanting to toss labels on things because i get fucking horrified lmao but at this point i'm like 'i need to know kind of what the fuck is going on. do i need to expect something from you or learn to let you go when this thing is over soon?'

bringing the topic up makes him go cold on me because a) he's scared of declaring any sort of legitimate feelings and commitment and b) is also a little afraid of the fact that i can cut him off at a moment's notice (because he secretly doesn't want me to). so it's easier for him to be a dick and try and shut it down first. but he still wants pussy (and emotional fulfillment) and tries to hit me up afterwards, to which i get very pissed and make it clear that i'm not his little toy and i'm sure there are plenty of other girls who would like to fill that role.

he thinks that coming over to my place will change my mind but we just end up arguing because i won't back down and it's either going to force him to leave me alone for good or admit that he wants to be with me.

and guess what 😌

❤️‍🔥: how do your love languages differ?

this is a good question!!!!! so i am a HUGE 'quality time' gurl because i spent the majority of my childhood/life alone and even though i also weirdly love being by myself, it means the world to me when people close to me show me they love me by spending uninterrupted time with me.

i feel like toji can also be like this to a degree, like just chilling and being there with him is enough, but he also has a physical touch love language. it's not exactly lovey dovey mushy gushy up in my face hugs n kisses (tho he does get super horny and grope-y at times), but more like a firm squeeze of the knee, thigh, or cheeks, an arm around my waist or hand against my back sometimes. i usually don't like being touched that much but it grows on me fairly quickly even if i get grumbly sometimes

i don't think he goes overboard on possessive body language in public because just his intimidating presence is often enough lmao, but sometimes he'll just unabashedly do horny shit even if he just scolded me for doing the same thing like 30 mins ago.

also!!! i can be a bit of a gift giver at times which probably makes him go '????' because he doesn't exactly know how to react at first. but he gets more used to it over time lol

self-ship questions

#moot: kae #letters.#ss: toji

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andrrns · 2 years

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i still believe that god exist. that he is alive. he simply abandoned us.

i'm starting to deviate from the belief system that i was forced to subscribed to when i was a kid. i grew up believing that everything happens for a reason. that everything was planned by god before we were born. looking back, it was easier to distinguish between right and wrong not because we were smart enough to know the difference, but because we were told that that's just life and that we had to follow the rules that governed us or face punishment.

i was a kid back then when people started calling me word that i didn't even know, and i had no idea what that word meant until someone threw it right in front of my eyes. that day, the word became real. that's when i realized i was bullied. on that same pavement where i learned to walk, i was judged by adults who should've known better. i struggled so much that i developed anxiety, which still lingers around me at this point in my life.

i grew up occupying that little space in the corner of the room, hoping not to be noticed, hoping to blend in and just casually look at people living their best lives, while i'm still here hurting from what they've said and done. they've moved on and welcomed the new day, but i'm still trapped, fossilized in a barbed wire cage.

i was never a natural. always trying to prove everyone that i am not who they think i am. always doing the exact opposite of what they labeled me. to be honest, i have no idea who i am anymore. i'm scared that this is all i'll ever be. when i was a kid it was easier to deal with things. that whenever i was at my lowest, i would simply pray to god for guidance. i've been praying ever since, but my life didn't get any better.

i was forced to believe that if i just concentrates on my studies, i'd go places. however, i soon realized that life was far more complicated than that. i've hit rock bottom several times. i learned to calm myself whenever the noise began to drown out the last vestiges of hope that I had. but, it was insufficient. finding light in the midst of chaos is difficult. It's like drowning in your insecurities but still breathing normally. even death couldn't escape the gaping hole inside my head.

i still believe in god but i don't believe there is a plan. i refuse to accept that this is how my story should go. i can't believe that someone would planned this life for someone to live because this shit is so hard. maybe this is my life because im just too dumb to handle it the right way. i'm sick of convincing myself that there's a reason for everything---no, people die because of the stupid system we've erected in this world. we messed up because we messed up, not because someone else wrote our story this way. stop telling me that god put me through this because this sht is so unbeneficial, it has caused me anxiety and depression. i can't function normally because i am damaged. and i didnt asked for this shit, nor did i want it, but trauma lingers. it's time for us to accept responsibilty for our actions. but im past that; I'm tired of trying to find my place in this world; the comfort i seek must be beneath the ground.

i was told that i am neither a lost cause nor a broken case. but if I'm not broken—— if I'm not broken, why can't i be fixed?

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saffigon · 2 years

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Carnival of Aros December 2021

I feel like my current feelings towards romance are very much shifting: prior to knowing I was aro, I was very much indifferent, veering into favorable occasionally, but now that I'm a very vocal aro, I've felt more indifferent and repulsed.

I feel like my indifference, regardless of if it is past or present, is related to not being very aware of romance, both around me and towards me. I never could tell when people were being romantic around me unless it was blatantly obvious, and mostly just didn't care about my friends' romantic relationships. I was almost always the last to know two people were together because I just didn't pay attention and didn't necessarily care.

And I feel like that indifference still comes out now, but also with a dash of repulsion. Before, I could tune out my friends' relationships much easier, but now I feel like I'm overly aware of amatonormativity and romance. I still don't really notice when two people get together, but now, when I am clued in or I do notice, I'm hyperaware of the situation. I don't view them negatively, but moreso I notice how their interactions make me feel. Overly gushing about a partner or constantly mentioning a partner make me more uncomfortable than they did before because I'm more aware of my own identity.

And that repulsion also trickles into how I feel when romance is directed at me. My current QPR is with an alloromantic, which she is lovely and very respectful of my boundaries as an aro and as a person and it is in no way her fault, but if it veers too close to romance, I get uncomfortable. I'm lucky in my relationship that I'm able to freely voice that discomfort and she is very accommodating of my repulsion and general aromanticism and is supportive of me; and ofc me of her; and I never feel uncomfortable by her, it's moreso navigating how I feel towards actions and words themselves. The hesitancy with starting any QPR, but specifically ones with more romantic people can be that they don't know how to navigate a non-romantic committed relationship and sometimes more romantic-coded things can leak in. This isn't a problem in and of itself as QPRs can be more romantic or include more romance-coded things and still be QPRs and something romance-coded is not the same thing as being romantic because the intent is what matters, but instead trying to figure out what things cause repulsion. And I have found that adding tone tags to indicate that something romance-coded is platonic or queerplatonic or more joking can be really helpful for me personally. Also, only using certain words, and I prefer our affection to be more private. I was always public with my romance in the past, and being more private with it keeps me from being repulsed by that. And establishing those boundaries within our relationship has really helped me navigate that repulsion

On the note of amatonormativity: I have noticed that my positivity towards romance in the past was caused by the idea that romance is something that should be desired and wanted. I never really felt pressured to enter a relationship, especially if I wasn't close to someone. However, whenever I got close to someone, I felt the need to make it romantic. Whereas, looking back, a lot of the emotions I had for those people would probably have been better categorized as alterous. And so I would put myself in romantic relationships under the guise that that was what I wanted, and ultimately was happy about those relationships because I was supposed to be wanting and desiring those types of relationships. I still cared about those people and enjoyed my time with them, but moreso saying I tried to find specific joy in the label of "romantic relationship" because it was what I was supposed to want.

To go further with amatonormativity: the one struggle I have found with this repulsion towards others is the communication of it all. I'm lucky that I'm in a lot of spaces where people know I'm aro and I'm pretty loud about my aro activism, but I know that, more generally, people don't take "negativity" and repulsion towards romance very well so I'm always hesitant to bring it up, even amongst friends. I know other aros have been accused of being homophobic or berated for saying they don't like being around romance in the past and I'm overly aware of that outcome, though I've only had positive experiences so far. Romance, from society and alloromantics point of view, seems to be this expected part of life, in both your own life and others. It is an everyday occurrence you have to just deal with. People don't feel like they have to warn against it. Because romance is supposed to be something good, something innocent, something desired, something pure. And while those thing may translate to some experiences, they're not universal. But it then becomes projected that being aro is some freak thing. And so voicing that discomfort becomes that much harder when being aromantic is seen as this negative part of yourself. Of course I'm preaching to the choir here, but nonetheless

And ultimately, my feelings towards romance have changed so much over time and since I've started my exploration of my aromantic identity. Though there's been a lot of negative to navigate in that journey, I feel more aware of myself and the world around me because of it and have enjoyed exploring it.

#carnival of aros #long post #aro #arospec #actually aro #aromantic #actually aromantic

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undefined5posts · 3 years

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Credit: Jordan J. Lloyd

I've been trying to dive deeper into politics, discover the genuine roots of our society, the origins of our beliefs, and the consequences of our economic system. It's a big, long, wide journey and through multiple sources such as articles, images, videos and multiple social media platforms, I've been trying to educate myself more on important subjects.

Communism, capitalism, libertarian, conservative, the left, the right, the history, the impact. It is scary to commit to everything because once you start, you simply cannot stop, once you start waking up your conscience about the horrible reality, the lies, the truths, you cannot put it back to sleep. You can't just ignore prejudice, especially when you're extremely conscious of it's omnipresence. I have continually tried to build my own opinions all while actively creating bullet point arguments in my mind because I just know that at some point I will have to defend my thinking, and I want to do it right.

Now, I am so far from being enlightened, I am a beginner and an amateur in all of those themes, but I am trying, which is the only way to start and grow.

So to tell you about my beliefs, I am a militant human rights activist, I believe in equal opportunities regardless of gender identity, sex, religion, sexual orientation, ethnicity, race and disability. This is a fact, not a belief, but the system was obviously not built to protect all people, its wasn't created to serve everyone equally but to grant a privilege to some and harm others. The current state of the world is not a slip, an accident or a misfunction of our brilliant system but a testament of it operating remarkably well. I believe that equity leads to equality, and I believe that we cannot "fix" methodologies that were immorally created with absolutely no honor whatsoever. I believe in reproductive rights, in legal, safe abortions for anybody who needs one. I believe in the decriminalization of marijuana. I believe that the death penalty is a despicable punition that should be banned as soon as possible. I believe in defunding the police and the military. I believe that it is a shame that I even have to talk about police brutality, I don't want to have to say that it is one of the most horrible things our world has originated, I feel extremely dense when I do because it seems like the most obvious certitude and I refuse to believe that this is a controversial statement. I believe that everything I have just stated, along with many more, isn't anything grand but the bare minimum, the bar is low, and yet, we still have the fight for basic human decency.

Humanity has become an option. We have normalized supporting people that represent everything wrong in this world under the name of tolerance. The left has never claimed to be tolerant towards hateful beings, We have never accepted homophobia, transphobia, racism, ableism and sexism. We cannot, for exemple, accept nazis, as too much tolerance inevitably leads to intolerance. This picture explains it perfectly:

I consider myself a communist/ socialist. The two terms still confuse me a little, some say they are the same, some say they differ quite a bit. What I know is that socialism is the transitional period between capitalism and communism. At the end of the day, the final result and goal is a stateless, moneyless and clasless society that will provide to each his need.

Our capitalistic society has brainwashed us way more than you may think. It is the root of so many of our issues, the underground demon of our problems. Every idea, thought, belief, and misconception of ours were all affected by our current economic system. It has sold us the billionnaire dream which is one of the most toxic things capitalism has offered. We have looked up to billionaires for way too long, why are they so idolized? Most of them come from high upper class families that can easily afford to invest in their inventions and creations. After starting up their companies and occasionnaly stealing other's people ideas to ultimately get undeserved merit, they then can start to properly exploit their hardworking employees's labour. And for unlimited hours and a minimum wage which probably won't even suffice you to survive, you will have to either pick up more shifts or a second or even third job, especially if you have a family to support. All while the CEO barely does any of the work and gets all the praise and money. So no, they don't all come from really poor families and have built everything for nothing.

The worst thing is that we've been so gaslit and brainwashed that we're proud of our own exploitation, we are wired to think that to be successful we have to suffer, work 10 jobs we all hate, constantly pick up extra hours, have 2 hours of sleep, have no free time to do anything we love, waste our entire youth, be depressed our entire adulthood, to finally have a few pennies to spend when we're eighty. We so strongly believe that this is the only right way to be successful that I don't think many of us have dared to question it's authority, and even if we do, we quickly accept that this a truth, a fact we cannot change and this is just the way things are.

We have capitalized water, food, land, forests, oceans, space, and everything in betweeen. Money is social construct and we have deliberately let it take over our lives. To think about the wasted opportunities and the misery that we have to endure so others can enjoy life truly angers me.

Also, communism is not an ideology that has every actually taken place. Despite what they say, there was never actually a communist country. However, every nation that has attempted a socialist system, for exemple Burkina Faso, has thrived. But of course, once capitalist countries noticed that, they decided to murder it's leader. So in conclusion, the only reason socialism failed is because of capitalism and it's interventions.

"As President (1983-1987), Sankara initiated economic reforms that shifted his country away from dependence on foreign aid and reduced the privileges of government officials; he cut salaries, including his own, decreed that there would be no more flying in first class or driving Mercedes as standard issue vehicles for Ministers and other government workers. He led a modest lifestyle and did not personally amass material wealth. President Sankara encouraged self-sufficiency, including the use of local resources to build clinics, schools and other needed infrastructure. [...] President Sankara promoted land reform, childhood vaccination, tree planting, communal school building, and nation-wide literacy campaigns. He was committed to gender equity and women’s rights and was the first African leader to publicly recognize the AIDS pandemic as a threat to African countries. Although Sankara became somewhat more authoritarian during his Presidency, his ideas, and the possibility that they could spread, were viewed by many as posing the greatest threat. President Sankara was assassinated during a coup led by a French-backed politician, Blaise Compaoré, in October 1987. Compaoré served as the President of Burkina Faso from October 1987 through October 2014, when he himself was overthrown."

Via:https://africandevelopmentsuccesses.wordpress.com/2015/02/28/success-story-from-burkina-faso-thomas-sankaras-legacy/

I have been reading and watching some amazing human rights activists, notably Angela Davis, Malcolm X and James Baldwin. The people that were villainized, labeled as violent and radical, when every single word that came out of their mouhs were pure facts. They are probably some of the most eloquent people I have had the pleasure of hearing. Every sentence, every argument, every single detail made so much sense and opened my mind to so many new realizations. This is the perfect exemple of how the media tarnishes the reputation of wise black women and men. I would strongly advise you to research more about them.

"Socialism & communism are demonized in the west to the point of erasing influential individuals' socialist advocacy. Heres a short list of people you may not have known were socialists/ communists:

MLK

Albert Einstein

Nelson Mandela

Frida Kahlo

Tupac Shakur

Mark Twain

Malcom X

Oscar Wilde

Bertrand Russell

Hellen Keller

Pablo Picasso

George Orwell

Shia LaBeouf

John Lennon

Woody Guthrie

Socialism & communism are not dirty words. Some of the most brilliant minds of our history were socialists and communists. Embrace it." Via @sleepisocialist on twitter

So what else can I say, capitalism has ruined our society and the way we act and think. I know a lot of people refuse to support communism because they think it's too much of a perfect ideal utopian world for it to ever actually exist. And to that I say, first of all, so you agree, it is a wonderful theory, and second of all, a world without racism, sexism, homophobia or any kind or discrimination could also be perceived as "too ideal to actually exist", but does that mean I'm giving up on talking, educating myself and others, protesting and trying to build a better future? Absolutely not. This is the objective, it would be so dumb to think that we just couldn't achieve that so let's not even try.

I want to talk more in detail about communism, theory, human rights, etc... but I don't want to make this post any longer. I will however be posting more about it soon enough.

I know this is a little different than what I usually post, but I want to speak, tell you all my own opinions, I don't want to just repost activism related stuff. I'll continue to do that, but not exclusively. I know it won't get as many interactions as my other posts, but this is what I needed at some point in my life, and if I could make understanding some basic informations easier to some people, it'll already be a great accomplishment.

Thank you for reading.

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shelbymustange · 4 years

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Is Canada really that good? I've been thinking abt leaving my country and America is a no-no for me

This is such an incredibly difficult thing for me to write, as I’m a white person living in Canada and I don’t know a lot about POC experiences in my country. Everything I know about racism in Canada is from an outsider perspective. The only thing I can really speak on is my experiences as an LGBT person, and as an AFAB person who was born and raised here.

I'm not even close to an authority on how POC feel about living in Canada, and I can only give my opinion on that based on my personal experiences with my POC friends and acquaintances, plus what I have read in the news and from articles written by POC.

As well, this is from the perspective of someone who grew up in rural Ontario, and is living in Ottawa. Ottawa is not a large city, and it is in South Eastern Ontario. Canada is a very, very large country. South Eastern Ontario is no where near the same as Northern Ontario, or even Western Ontario, let alone Alberta or the Maritimes or the Yukon.

Please keep this in mind as a speak on what I do know. There is a lot more that I don’t, and if you are POC, I encourage you to seek out articles or posts written by POC citizens and immigrants about their experience coming to Canada and living here. As well as seeking out local articles written from the place you may want to move within the country.

Now that I have said that, let me begin:

Canada has it's issues with POC, and it would be incredibly ignorant for me to say we don't. There is still racism here, there is still anti-immigrant sentiment. There’s a very, very longstanding history of racism toward our First Nations/Indigenous/Native people. This history and mistreatment is becoming more well known about my country. It’s currently in debate whether we should label the Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women a genocide because of the systematic negligence on the part of our authorities toward finding these girls and closing the numerous cold cases there are. As well, the ‘Starlight Tours’ -- or a more apt and less pleasing name the “Saskatoon Freezing Deaths” are also gaining a lot more attention toward how my country has treated it’s Indigenous people, and their systematic oppression. Not to mention the issue surrounding our residential schools and kidnapped indigenous children. <--there is a lot to unpack about Canada and it’s First Nations peoples. I could go on for paragraphs about this. I encourage any Canadian followers to read the articles in this paragraph and learn about these atrocities if you think our country is perfect.

Canada is not a utopia for POC. Brown and Black people as well, still suffer from racism from our authorities, as well as just daily racism from the people around them. And there are cases of police negligence and brutality that happen in Canada. This is a fact that our country has to face.

In terms of our government -- well, our parties are a lot different than the US. Here’s what our election looked like last year, and a basic overview on party policies. Our elections last like...a month? I think last year it was 78 days and that was a long ass election. Generally speaking, there isn’t as much of and Us or Them mentality with our parties and I think it’s because we have a Parliament system. In my perspective, they’re all sort of toeing the line because they need each other in order for any policy to pass, especially when we have a minority government.

So, no one other than the conservatives are aligning themselves with just one party. And the conservatives only do that because the PC party is really the only contending conservative power in Canada. The other three parties that have MPs in House are leftist parties.

Personally speaking, I’m a leftist. I side more with the NDP than the Liberals in terms of policies, but I don’t align myself with a specific party. I’m just a leftist. I usually vote Liberal, because in my district, they are the only contenders against the PC party, and ultimately my district is PC led because it’s a small town and it’s just how people vote there.

That’s how I look at our government. Notice how much more flippant it is than you might get from someone in the States? AND. I’m going to be perfectly honest here, not long ago, in our provincial government, we had a Premier named Kathleen Wynne, who I wanted to like, but she made some really stupid decisions (except $14 min wage, thank u Wynne). She was a Liberal party leader. And, you know, I was not okay with a PC government in Ontario, especially one run by Doug Ford (brother of notorious Rob Ford). And he’s done some shit I don’t like at all, BUT! I can comfortably say that I respect Doug Ford because of his decision making during the Covid Pandemic. While it was slow and could have been handled better, do I think another leader would have done better? Not really. But at the same time, there was no downplaying, and despite his emphasis on business in his platform, he surprised me with his re-opening policies and how slowly they were taken. (except the schools, because that was fuckin stupid tbh but I’m not going to keep going on about that.). Generally speaking, here when you’re mad about a politician, it’s for non-heinous, smaller bad decision making, rather than taking away Trans rights, for example. (An Aside -- here in Ontario, trans people who are clinically diagnosed with dysphoria and referred for surgery by a professional have their surgeries covered by OHIP (provincial health plan), and do not have to pay out of pocket, so that’s nice).

(Disclaimer: this opinion is from a white person’s prespective, a white person who votes in rural Ontario, who’s friends and family are quite equally as skeptical and logical toward politics and politicians. My flippancy could very well be because of my white priviledge and I encourage any poc Canadian followers to respond with their opinions so I can rb here. I just know majority of immigrant Canadians vote Liberal since like the 70s).

Largely our Conservative party is much more concerned with fiscal issues than anything else (though there are some outliers, like Andrew Scheer who was notoriously anti-lgbt and abortion, but from what I could see it was kept out of his politics?? I need to look into it more, but ultimately he was taken out as the PC leader I think largely because of the country’s opinions on this) but a good portion of their supporters can be racist, and non-supportive of lgbt people, anti-abortion, etc. Ultimately, our conservatives, when in power recently, have never tried to reverse LGBT rights, though they toe the line of reproductive rights, despite not actively re-opening the debate. As well, Ontario, Nova Scotia and Prince Edward Island, as well as Vancouver, Edmonton and Calgary have enacted bans on conversion therapy. A bill has also been tabled that will federally ban conversion therapy, and it’s not something that the conservatives are really fighting against. For the most part, they leave LGBT people alone rather than actively passing laws to harm them. I can personally say, I’ve never felt fear for my life, or my rights when we’ve had a majority PC government.

As an immigrant, compared to the US, you are more likely to be taken in to our country, and it is much easier to get work. It’s also easier to become a permanent resident (here’s a list of personal stories from answers on Quora about Canada vs US immigration).

As well, the Canadian government adopted the idea of Canada as a multicultural nation back in the 1970s. We’re not a melting pot like the US. And this can be a big draw for people looking to immigrate, because it emphasizes individuality and the positives of what different cultures can bring to a country. (Though this can be contested and quite fairly at that).

I personally know a good amount of people who have immigrated to Canada, from a variety of different backgrounds, who love it here, and have had very little issue in their lives. Not none, obviously for the POC, because racism still happens here, but they love being here, and ultimately they feel safe and like they belong. They have found community here. But this is just my personal experience, Heres’s a couple articles from and about Canadian immigrants:

Immigrants talk about when they 'started to feel Canadian' - Ottawa Citizen, 2018 As an immigrant, I know how it feels to be 'lonely and isolated' in my new country - CBC Saskatchewan, 2019 What It Takes: An immigrant’s journey from Zimbabwe to Canada - Global News, 2019

This isn’t to say that people come here and they’re always going to love it. There’s a lot of people who leave, either to go back to their home country, or to go to another country (like the US). Even though it’s easier than in the US, it can still be hard to get a job here in the field you want, things are kind of really expensive compared to the US, the US has better higher level education, they have better paying jobs, etc.

And again, this is the perspective of a white person from a smaller city in Ontario. I know Toronto, even though half of it’s population are immigrants, has a lot of issues with it’s police and brutality and anti-black and brown racism. Ultimately, you will not completely escape racism, individual or systemic, in this country. It’s an unfortunate fact that we can all fight to change in the future.

But in a small town. It’s a community. As someone from a rural area, I know that in my experience, there has never been a point where I have seen anyone from my small communities who have been, at the least, outwardly racist toward a POC. I personally have never seen or heard of a person being confronted or abused or called names because of the colour of their skin or cultural background. (here is an article written by my brother’s friend and former band mate, who is a black man that was adopted as a child, about his experiences in small town Canada, and his perspective on the BLM movement and the response of his white friends).

Anyway, I hope this sort of got my point across. Canada’s a complicated nation, like most. I didn’t touch on the base level, ‘why is canada a good place to immigrate’ points or anything, but I figure you would look that up before making such a big choice. And I’ve already spent 4 hours trying to write something coherent and somewhat researched to say...

Again, I encourage anyone to rb with their opinion or with anything I may have missed. Or send an ask or whatever.

#long post #political post #this is so all over the place I really tried to make it make sense

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justinsdaysinthedark · 5 years

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Post #8 - So long, friend

Sunday August 4th: Today marks 3 weeks I've been in hospital and day 5 of my 16 day chemotherapy treatment. Before I left to head in here on the 14th of July, I joked with Courtney's dad, John that I'd beat his record for time in hospital (3 consecutive weeks) not thinking it would actually happen. Alas, when I wake up tomorrow morning, I'll own that title; one I'd definitely prefer not to have! Here I was thinking I'd be in here for a few days. I suppose in retrospect my breakdown in the middle of Coles 21 days ago was for good reason!

As mentioned earlier, I had my fifth day of chemotherapy today and everything has gone smoother than I thought. I had an incredibly difficult two days on Thursday and Friday (days two and three) with nausea, headaches, incredibly tired and just generally not feeling myself. A lot of this I put down to a couple of bad nights sleep and the chemo finally hitting my body and doing its thing. Saturday and today (days four and five) have fortunately been the total opposite, which is great for me! I've had more energy, less nauseas and just generally felt myself (as well as I can, I suppose!)

I know some of you are wondering what it's like to get chemotherapy...and that's a valid question. Let me preface my answer by reminding everybody that it affects different individuals in different ways. How I react to this chemotherapy plan won't be how anybody else does. I guarantee that! Essentially, it's just like having a fluid drip with a few warning labels on the packet. Some I've felt average during them or a few hours afterwards whereas others I haven't exactly noticed a difference. It's important to keep in mind that chemotherapy isn't the drug itself, it's a word used to cover a wide range of drugs which when used a certain way should assist with treatment of cancer. Much like the word 'car' doesn't distinguish what sort of car one owns - there's a big difference between a '92 Camry and a '19 Jag!

The next two days are 'rest days' for me, which I'm absolutely ecstatic about! Two days without chemo will be a great chance for my body to relax and recover from five days of being pumped with various chemicals.

Day 10 is when things pick up again volume wise and from them until the finish, I'll basically be on a drip 24/7 and constantly have to be monitored - totally different to these first five days.

How have I been going mentally? It's up and down like the hillsides in Tasmania! For the most part, I'm great and remaining as positive as one can be in such circumstances. My support network has been so incredible in coming into see me, calling and checking up on me. I may not have had to use them as much as I thought I would, but it's so reassuring to know so many people are there for me when I do need them. My eye has shown some seriously significant improvements since Friday, which is helping to confirm the fact that maybe this stuff is doing something. This morning I woke up and regained the ability overnight to look up and down with my left eye and I'm just waiting for the morning I wake up and my eyesight is back to normal with both eyes! I'm also just about back to normal with my ability to chew which has opened up the food options for me.

On the other side, I have the daily thought of 'why me? Why does this have to happen to me right now?' Unfortunately, this thought is only human nature and one I have to allow to enter and flow by. Nobody is 100% positive and by allowing this thought to come and go, it strangely makes the situation easier to accept. I'm at a stage where I'm really starting to miss the simple things in life. Little things like sleeping in a completely dark room with no noise, having a shower with a consistent temperature and being able to make up my own food decisions on a daily basis. There's so many other things however it's these three things I'm most looking forward to when I go home!

Last Friday morning was pretty tough for me as well. Adam, my roommate opposite me (not to be confused with Dr. Adam) got the all clear to go home. We'd spent roughly fifteen days together and had developed quite a bond and friendship. Adam had lymphoma, similar to me and was a couple of days ahead of me with his chemo treatment. To have somebody there to talk to, bounce ideas off and ask questions on what to expect is exactly what I needed over the most difficult times I had in here. It made early morning blood tests during breakfast and late nights after both of our families left that whole lot easier. Not having that somebody here anymore has made the past few days a little harder but nothing I won't get through. I know he'll read this to kill time at home so I hope you don't mind me writing this, Adam!

Adam actually sent me a photo a few days after he left with him and his son both smiling and that gave me strength and hope that I'd eventually get out of here and be in the same position! I honestly can't wait for that day! In all seriousness, a big thank you needs to go to this man for keeping me sane in the time we spent together. Whilst a brief fifteen days, we're in this journey together and we will both get through it.

I honestly don't have much planned for the week ahead so I can't guarantee when my next blog post will be. I'm expecting the results of a test that was sent off last Monday sometime this week. This should definitively tell me what type of lymphoma I have. My fingers and toes are crossed it's not Burkitt's as this will change my treatment program for the remaining cycles. I'm not holding my breath these will come through early in the week - I'm more banking on answers before Friday. I'm really looking forward to resting over the next two days before we get into the serious back-half of my 16 day treatment.

That's it from me tonight. I'm off to watch Day four of The Ashes and no doubt will be asleep before midnight! Enjoy your week and cherish moments spent with friends and family. You don't know when they'll be your last.

Much love,

Juzz xx

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doctor-ciel · 5 years

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So I just cut the blogs I follow in half, and here's why you should too

And just before this, I went through all the tags I followed too and cut them down to about a third of the original amount. But I won't talk about that here, since pretty much all the same rules apply.

First of all, it feels great as hell. Start at the bottom, with the blogs that you've been following the longest, and unfollow the ones you don't want there. It'll make unfollowing everything afterward so much easier. So to help you get started, here's some things you should consider about each blog before unfollowing it:

When was the last time you saw this blog on your dash? Have you ever seen this blog on your dash? If not, unfollow it, unless it fulfills another one of the criteria below.

Does the content on this blog cause you anxiety, or make you feel bad in any way? If so, UNFOLLOW IT. This supersedes pretty much all the other things on this list.

On a similar note, does the person(or people) running this blog have views that contrast yours, or that are discriminatory towards marginalized groups that you are a part of? That last one is particularly important. If having them on your dash is just going to add toxicity to your life, get rid of them. Even if they have some content that you like. "Oh, this person is sexist and homophobic, but he has the same niche interest as me"? Unfollow him. "I like their art style, but they're blatantly ableist"? Unfollow them.

If it's a blog about a certain topic(in my case most of the stuff pertaining to this bullet point was fandom blogs), are you even that interested in it anymore? Do you see yourself being interested in it again in the future? I myself unfollowed a lot of Voltron blogs.

Are you following a lot of blogs about one topic? Pick a few and unfollow the rest. I used to be following a buttload of MHA blogs, but I've unfollowed almost all of them now.

If you followed a bunch of blogs back when you were still figuring out your sexuality/used a different label, but have figured yourself out now(like me), you might want to go back and unfollow some of the blogs that don't fit you anymore. For example, I identify as a lesbian, but back when I was still questioning/later identified as aroace, I followed a bunch of blogs for pretty much every sexuality, and then later a bunch of aroace ones. At least a third of my purge came from getting rid of those.

Pretty obvious, but do they still even post? If it's a dead blog that hasn't posted in three years, unfollow them.

Sometimes you'll find a blog that you don't even recognize. This could be because they change their url at some point, or you accidentally followed them. I know that when I'm scrolling through tags on mobile(I don't know if this ever happens on desktop), I'll accidentally click the "follow" button next to a person's url. I usually catch that I've done that and go in and fix it, but not always. I probably unfollowed ~10-15 people from that.

Sometimes you just don't like a blog. You don't like the person, you don't like the content, the general vibe you get from it, whatever, but you don't want to seem rude by unfollowing them. Trust me when I say they won't notice, and it's better to get them off your dash than to just put up with it.

This is especially important when you start, but don't be afraid to unfollow because of nostalgia or whatever. It doesn't matter how long you've followed them, if you want them gone, they're gone.

I think I got all my thoughts down. Obviously this doesn't apply to mutuals, because I only have like two or three mutuals that I've ever talked to so I can't help you there. If any of you have something to add, please do so, and also maybe share this so other people who are following blogs in numbers close to or in the thousands can clean out the trash most efficiently.

#self care #self-care #mine

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notjustanotherruka · 7 years

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National Coming Out Day

Written October 11th, 2017

30 years ago today, there was a march on Washington, DC, consisting of gay/queer activists wanting to make issues and awareness known. The biggest march, with the highest attendance, and the largest scope, ever. Wowza. Kind of a big deal... and by "kinda", I mean "holy shit". 😧 I've also come to realize that quite a few of the LGBTQ and supporters as a whole don't know that information about this day. I've read a lot of posts and articles already today about people's coming out stories, being proud of being out, supporting those around them - their hope, struggles, pride, and individualism... I've also read a handful of storys about why this day shouldn't exist. A couple were hard to read; a couple resonated with me. I went for a run, thought it over, and I decided I wanted to share a memory. A little story, if you will.

My prequel coming out story. And why this day is important.

What the hell is a coming out story? The first time you have realization of how your mind and body might operate differently from those around you? Finally putting a label on it? Kissing your first same-sex person? Dating? Telling someone how you identify for the first time? Sex? //gooood lawd, already I have like... 15 coming out stories. 😂 Ain't nobody got time for that right now. I'll just pick one, thanks. //

1999. I was 11? 12. Whatever, math is hard. Sixth grade. Band nerd, choir nerd, bookworm, teachers pet, student council prez, avid Pokémon and Magic the Gathering player, Nintendo fiend. I was the kid who liked everyone, and everyone liked me. I wasn't super close with a ton of people, but I was easy to be around and I think other kids liked that. I also knew I didn't like boys; I'd known that for a long time. Still, I didn't think that meant anything other than books>boys. //lemme preface that I still feel that way, only it's books>most people bc well, people are silly sometimes. Books are forever. // Anywho, I got in my head that there was something I longed for. Dreamed about. Gushed over, and fantasized about. I couldn't stop. I couldn't get it out of my head, and when I finally got the point where I couldn't take it anymore, I decided I had to tell my mom.

I wanted a perm.

I wanted a perm so bad. SO BAD. I could smell the perm smell. I could feel those curly, dark locks and I could picture the cute looks I was going to rock so hard. I wanted somewhere between Jessi Spano of Saved By the Bell and Janet Jackson's Relvet Rope album cover, and damn it, nothing was going to stop me. My mother wasn't so optimistic. Whatever. I begged. I begged better than anyone had, or has since, ever begged in the history of time itself. And FINALLY... I got my appointment. YAS.

You guys. It. Was.

Amazing.

I strutted outta that salon feeling like four weeks of allowance. It was perfect. My hair was so long that after the perm, the curls fell right at the middle of my back, and the lady had even made them cute and crunchy for me. // you know what I'm talking about. Like, crunchy. You know. // I went home knowing I was going to need to set aside at least four hours to decide what I was going to wear the next day. My mom took my picture on the back deck, and I'm not kidding - I seriously considered ruining the rest of the 110mm film in the roll so that I could go to walmart and have them developed. // Eh, hindsight is 20/20. It would have taken 5 days to get them back. It's film, people. // I was on cloud 9 when my head hit the pillow that night. I'm pretty sure I WAS Jessi in my dreams. Tomorrow was going to be Glorious.

Morning sun. Outfit selected. Towel in hand. Shower. Smiling in the mirror as I got ready to make these curls as cool as I felt. I'll just give them a good brush, and... ...the brush didn't move. 😐 I couldn't even get my fingers through it. I started to sweat. My super thick, super long, super dark, gorgeous hair was now a bird's wet dream for house building. Fudge. //jsyk, my 6th grade self was totally saying fuck over and over again. Also, again hindsight is 20/20, and go figure... maaaaybe my mom wasn't wrong. Notice how I didn't say she was right, buuuut. You know. Moms. //

So the perm was a disaster. Of course it was. My solution for the next six months ended up being massive amounts of Biologe conditioner, and then leaving in the Biologe conditioner. // notice how I didn't say I used 'leave-in' conditioner; I literally LEFT IN the conditioner. Whatever. It worked. And I got the crunchy look without a ton of other products. Win/win? 🙄// Anywho, six long months of that bullshit until finally my hair had grown out enough that I could think about getting it cut and starting over. Mom helped me make the appointment, and the locks ended up being gone. Phew. Sweet, sweet relief.

I'd never had hair that short. My sister had, bc she played soccer and it was just easier for her to have that cute, sports girl hair. I had always had super long hair. Always. It took me a few minutes to decide whether I wanted to cry or celebrate the liberation of my neck and scalp. I decided to celebrate. Short hair was pretty cool. School was different too. Everyone we so surprised, but responded really well! I had a hang out date with my best guy friend after school too, so hey - it ended being a good first day of short hair!

I walked to my friends house. I hadn't had time to hang with him all day. He was an eighth grader, so you know, life's busy when you're old. Finally got to his house, tossed down my bag, and sat on the steps how we always sat. We started talking, and he stopped all of a sudden. With a quizzical look, he stated, "Seriously, your hair kinda makes you look like a dike."

I punched him. Square in the nose. Blood everywhere. I didn't even know what that meant, but I didn't like how it felt or the way he said it. I didn't even grab my bag, i just started stomping home. Fuming and crying, I don't even really remember the mile long walk. My dad was sitting in his chair when I got home, and he asked what was wrong. I didn't answer, but he saw the blood on my hand and asked if I was ok. I told him someone had called me a name and I punched him for it. My dad tried not to laugh and said that wasn't nice to call me names, and he was glad I stood up for myself... but maybe not to punch people. Fine. I needed to get outta this convo to get to the computer anyway.

Dike : something about water and a wall or spillway or the sea... what the hecks. Yikes, maybe I shouldn't have punched him. Why the hell did he call me this? Next search : Dike hair. Huh. // ...much like my mother, this kid ALSO hadn't been wrong. My hair was this hair. But the spelling was off. Dyke. Also, the word 'lesbian' kept coming up. //

Next search. Lesbian. Women who like and date other women. // lezbehonest, there were OTHER sites that popped up too, but I knew better than to click on them. #goodkid // Women who date women. Girls who like girls. Girls who don't like boys like that. Omg. This... this made sense. It explained why I had such a crush on my third grade teacher. It made sense why I liked playing Pokémon with my girl friend versus my guy friend. It made sense why I had ZERO inclination to ever KISS a boy. The thought wasn't gross. It was WRONG. UGH. //keep in mind, I was 11. These are the things I remember vividly as the connecting pieces to finally having a name to call my feelings. I can already hear someone ripping this to shreds about how these aren't true indications of human sexuality, blah blah blah... whatever. Go die grumpy about it; this is my story. //

I felt enlightenment. I felt clarity. I felt like I was ok. I could be ok. There were other people like me that didn't like boys, and they were older, so that means maybe if I still don't like boys later... I can like girls. And it can be ok. That was the first time ever feeling that way.

It's October 11, 2017. 30 years ago, a lot of really cool people marched, and one direct effect it had on me was this: I could be told I looked like a dyke. I could research what that was. I could find answers and clarity and not feel alone. They marched for awareness and rights, and bc of that, information was made available to me. My story is part of their story, and it helped mold my Coming Out Story, Vol. 1.

Pretty fucking cool. Also, you never know what might happen as aftermath of an action, so maybe just...

get the perm. ✌🏼

#nationalcomingoutday gay queer comingoutstory out

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lesbian-ed · 7 years

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🌸Hi, a few years ago when I was 16 (19 now)I was forced out to my friends by this homophobic girl, and I came out as bi (still in the closet to my family), I'm no longer friends with any of them, but I can't figure out what label I should have, I really want to just know who I am. I said to them I was bi, but I've never felt right with that label. I read about comp het and it makes so much sense to me, but I still don't know. 1/5

🌸I feel, like, attracted to male celebs, but only when they’re in films or tv, and watching interviews of them ruins it?, and whenever I’m around guys I get these thoughts I can’t control about kissing them and sleeping with them and I feel rlly self conscious, I said this to a friend who said it’s a crush, but I get it with people I don’t like at all 2/?

🌸 And sometimes I have a phase where I feel like I could date a guy and marry him and have kids and be happy but it feels like I’m imagining a perfect version of me that actually im not like at all? And as well I can only imagine myself with a young guy, once I think about a 30 yr old or older I don’t want it anymore, but the perfect fantasy seems so appealing idk 3/?

🌸I feel different about girls but I don’t know I’m catholic and I feel like it’s always been other people are gay and that’s ok but not me? And I don’t know whether I feel no attraction to girls or I’m pushing it down bc when I see girls kiss on tv I literally have started crying and I saw a lesbian couple in public once and I got butterflies and also Ive found myself changing pronouns in songs in my head without realising but I’ve never had close to a crush on anyone especially not a girl 4/5

🌸Ive never even met a gay girl except for one pan girl at school but she was really weird and rude so I don’t know what it’s supposed to be like to like someone? writing this all down it makes it sound like I’m definitely a lesbian but that scares me so much bc ill never have a normal life and I can’t shake this feeling that actually I do want to be with a guy but I’m trying to be interesting or I’m faking this or something. Pls tell me your thoughts on this 5/5

Oh, anon. This literally all feels as if my younger self came into my ask box just now to ask for advice.

I understand your pain, I really do, I went through so many of the same thought processes you’re describing now. It’s good that you’re aware of compulsory heterosexuality, since I believe that will make sorting your feelings easier. Still, I recommend you look through our tag (if you haven’t already) to read more thoughts on this. It’ll help.

I obviously can’t tell you what your sexuality is for you, that’s your own journey to make, but this sounds so much like my own experience that I’m pretty sure what the answer is already.

Anon, let me tell you a story, I went to a catholic school and while my parents are pretty liberal and not that religious (in fact, my dad’s an atheist) I was also raised with the idea that ok, there were gay people out there, and I didn’t care what other people did with their lives! But honestly that was kind of weird and I couldn’t be like them, because they weren’t normal, like I should be. I was bullied a lot as a kid, because I was weird and ugly and way too shy and easy to pick on, so I grew up with this idea that whatever else happened, I had to stop being like that, I had to be beautiful and normal and acceptable. And that of course included a perfect fantasy of marrying the man of my dreams after he fell in love with men when I suddenly grew up to be the most beautiful woman there was, and having kids, and holding down a successful job that I was happy doing and having lots of money and well, just having the most perfect life. How could I not want that? Ever since I was old enough to walk, society fed me the idea that this was my ideal endgame, how could we ALL not dream about that at some point?

I used to be obsessed with those stories where the “ugly” girl suddenly turns beautiful and the Nice Perfect Popular Boy finally notices her and they get together, those stories were my dream life. As a kid and young teen I’d fantasize about them constantly, I’d make up characters that would always end up fulfilling those same tropes. It was the way to prove to all those who ever called me ugly or belittled me because I was nerdy that “see? I got the happy ending” so when I was twelve, and suddenly all the girls were having crushes on boys I felt nothing for, while I started noticing seemingly out of the blue just how incredibly beautiful so many girls my age and older were, I got veeery scared. I couldn’t like girls like that, I wasn’t like that, I was already weird and had no friends, so how could I ever hope to find a girl who liked girls who’d like me? And if I did, everyone already hated me, so how would I bear it? The stares and the insults and the danger we’d face if people saw us together on the street? So I pushed that attraction down as far as I could, I convinced myself I was actually just too inmature to start thinking about crushes and all that stuff, and obviously when I was mature enough and the time came, I’d like boys, because that’s what Normal Girls did right? And I had to be normal.

In my school’s equivalent of US’ eighth grade, a new boy came to our class, he was pretty, and friendly, and most importantly, blonde! and he was the school sports star! It felt like every movie-like fantasy I ever had come to life. Every girl was in love with him, so one time I had a dream where we were dating. I woke up being absolutely ecstatic, that must have meant I had a crush right? I liked a boy? I was definitely straight?

I never actually began feeling nervous around this boy, or looking at him any more than usual until I had this dream and decided that meant I was in love. I told a friend eventually because I was excited about being in love and the fantasy I had created for myself about our perfect relationship (which did involve us kissing and having sex, and I never actually felt turned on about it but I did imagine it a lot because it meant we were In Love, so those fantasies happen even if you don’t actually like like the person in question, dw!), and isn’t that what you do when you like someone? Gossip about it with your friends? She told some of my bullies and the dude found out, so he started laughing at me in the middle of the class and calling me ugly and saying he was traumatized at the mere idea of me liking him.

And I… felt nothing. I was angry of course, and sad, but it was just the same anger and sadness I felt when some random I didn’t like made fun of me, it wasn’t even like what I felt when former friends said nasty stuff about me. And I wanted to be heartbroken I wanted to wallow in the misery and the drama of it, but I just wasn’t, it was the same “well this shit sucks and I’m angry about it but it happens everyday so wyd?” There was no deeper feeling there, not even any special resentment, there was nothing. I never felt anything ever again when I looked at this boy.

Now, sometime later, the same boy starts dating a girl from our class, and it was around the same time that I was coming to terms with the fact that the latent attraction I had started to feel for women when I was younger had never actually gone away but rather had grown. Things were purely about sexual attraction for me at that point, not romantic feelings. I hadn’t actually been in love with a girl either by that point. Because even tho I was accepting my sexual attraction to women, I still had the idea in my mind that ideally I would end up with a boy, because when so much of my hopes for the future relied of me being beautiful and a man falling in love with me forever and ever so that I could have a normal future, letting go of that dream took a while. I called myself bisexual for a while, only to realize very little later that it didn’t actually fit me. When I did, it was hard, because I had to re-come out again to my mom and the two friends I had told, and that really scared me, because I felt like some fake, like what I felt was not actually real. I put it off, and my friends & mom were accepting but they also were like “you’re just confused about your sexuality!!/this is just a phase!!” so that fed into my insecurities. Even when I realized I was sexually into women only, I still hadn’t fallen in love with one, so that made things more confusing for me (I hadn’t fallen for any boy other than the one I mentioned earlier and one I met on a vacation that thought I liked for like a week because he had a pretty voice and was pretty androgynous lmao, but again, no heartbreak when he went away)

Eventually, (funnily enough through fandoms and f/f ships and fics that depicted them in loving relationships, And I cried when I read about girls kissing too, at first I thought it was because I was a Good Straight Ally, but I was just a lesbian lmao) I realized that I could also be happy in a relationship with a woman, that it was not only a possible future for me, but one that I wanted, one that felt right, one in which I wouldn’t be the beautiful, perfect, feminine, smart, succesful career woman I had dreamed of as a kid, but in which I’d be me, with all my quirks and faults, with another woman with her own quirks and faults who’d love me for who I am, because that was possible! It was possible to be happy like that!. When I realized this, that me liking girls romantically and sexually, and exclusively girls was okay, it felt like a veil was lifted from my eyes. Suddenly, all the feelings and attraction I had thought I had felt for boys paled in comparison to the intensity of what I felt for women, I learned what actual sexual desire was like, I yearned for a future with a real me in it with a real woman by my side, instead of the fake ideal I’d wanted to be when I was younger. It was around that time I fell in love for the first time.

Remember how I mentioned the boy I used to “like” got a girlfriend? Well, guess who I fell for? Me and her were assigned seats together one year in high school, and I got to know her through the first term, every time liking her more and more, until one day, she just walks into class, and I think she did something different with her hair? Whatever it was, seeing her felt like someone punching the breath out of me, it felt like watching literal perfection embodied. And I was gone, I was just so so sooo gone. I felt sparks when we sat next to each other, I couldn’t stop smiling like a fool whenever I looked at her, she’d say something nice to me and it felt like my soul was flying out of my body. And of course it was idealized, it was a crush on a girl I didn’t know that well, but the feelings I had, I had for her, for her actual personality, her actual sweetness, her actual kindness, even her actual rashness sometimes, not the fantasy I had made up of her that I projected onto her like I did when I “liked” her boyfriend. I liked her as a person. Plus the intensity of both crushes was just so fucking different. When I liked her, I cried when we were apart and at the thought of her with her dumbass idiot boyfriend, I listened to a love song and could relate to it for the first time. I understood finally why people would write poetry and songs and do all sorts of crazy things for this feeling.

Tldr: I also fantasized about the ideal boy and I was never able to allow myself to feel anything for a girl because of how much I had repressed my sexuality due to fear of backlash until I was able to recognize that yes, liking women was OK and then all my repressed feelings came pouring out like a tsunami.

If that sounds like something you can kind of relate to, then that’s your answer anon. However, it might not be, or maybe you don’t know if it is yet. That’s alright! Sexuality can be complicated and it can take a long time to figure it out. You’re not on a deadline here, you don’t have to stress about it.

As for the normal part, yeah being a lesbian in this society sucks a lot. And I still get terrified of the idea that I will not be “normal” and that I can never be happy. Even if I know deep in my heart that I can never be happy with a man, sometimes I wonder if it’d be worth it to spare me the pain. The answer? Hell no, I’ve got one life, one, what’s the point of wasting it on loveless unfulfilled relationships when I could try to go for someone I’ll actually be happy with? There’ll be pain, of course there will be, I live in a small town and I’ve only just started meeting other lesbians & bi girls offline this year because I’ve gone to university, and I’ve only ever actually started talking to and becoming actual friends with the ones I knew online this year too because I was so terrified before! All of them tell me about their hurt, and how lesbophobia affects them a lot, and yet I see them talking about how much they love their girlfriends/wives (I don’t have that because I’m an awkward potato but I’m trying) and also other lesbians, and it gives me hope, because I can be just like them, finding genuine happiness amidst the pain.

I hope this answer helps you.

Mod M :D

#anonymous #answered asks #advice #lesbophobia #positivity #lesbian positivity #mod m #original #mod m gets personal lmao #compulsory heterosexuality

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probablysapphic · 7 years

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Hey! you're really cool and hoped you'd guide me a bit, an otsider point of view. I've questioning myself a lot? I've never dated anyone, never had the need to? I've had a few crushes in boys but always when I know they're attracted to me. If I find a boy attractive, I've noticed that I don't have the same reaction of desire as my straight friends, I feel like i'm kinda faking it. But when I find a girl attractive (mostly celebs bc thats what is normal between straight girls) I can't speak..

Haha, thanks for thinking I’m cool, I highly appreciate it :DI actually have nothing figured out myself, so please don’t expect too much.

(This blog was originally just a place to reblog sapphic stuff which I’m not ready putting on my personal blog but suddenly people ask me for advice?? I mean, thank you and I’m flattered, but please don’t think I am an Expert™ or something. I’m just writing what I’ve picked up here and there. I hope it’s accurate and not offensive to anyone. Call me out if it is.)

First things first: I can’t tell you what your sexuality is. You’re the only one who can figure that out. I know, I know, I’m sick of hearing that phrase as much as the next person (like can’t there be a test or something? That would save everyone lots of time, please and thank you), but it’s true.

All I can say is this: Only being attracted to a guy after realizing he’s attracted to you can be compulsory heterosexuality. Doesn’t have to but can.If you haven’t already, get familiar with the concept of compulsory heterosexuality, google it, search tumblr, go through my tag for it - I recently answered an ask and linked some posts regarding that topic - and see if something rings a bell. It’s hard distinguishing genuine from coerced attraction, I know, but doing that can bring you forward in your questioning stage.

But of course it’s not mandatory to do that. It doesn’t matter if you’re sure or not that you experience or don’t experience genuine attraction to men - if you only want to prioritize your attraction to and your relationships with women and women aligned people, you can call yourself a lesbian if you want.

You absolutely don’t have to figure anything out right now this second. Give it time. “Feelings first, labels later” is pretty great advice actually (I’ve read this phrase somewhere). However, I totally understand you if you want to figure everything out as soon as possible. Sense of belonging somewhere and all that. But for most people it takes time.

Important: You don’t need experience of any kind to identify a certain way. (Nobody expects straight people to justify their orientation either.)“Questioning” can be an identity. “Something but not straight” can be an identity. “Sapphic” can be, too. Choose what feels comfortable, or don’t choose anything at all.Also: you can try out labels such as lesbian, bi, pan, etc. and see how it feels. You’re not a traitor or giving into stereotypes if you switch labels. Don’t be afraid to change yours if you feel it doesn’t fit anymore. We’re constantly evolving as human beings, as people, nothing is set in stone if you don’t want it to be set in stone.

If you feel safe, try finding someone to talk to. Bottling up feelings can do a lot of damage.

Last and scariest thing: Just be honest with yourself. Maybe you know the answer already, maybe you don’t, but just let yourself feel. And be honest with yourself what those feelings are. I know that can be very tough, society’s standards and expectations doesn’t make things easier.

Everyone feel free to call me out if I said something wrong here.

Back to you, anon: I wish you all the strength you need and I truly hope you find comfort and acceptance - from yourself and others. I know society makes being anything other than cis and straight very hard but I’m certain that you can do this. I believe in you.

#asks #questioning #compulsory heterosexuality #attraction #faking #advice #anonymous #happy

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