#but also i've been with one partner for 13 years now and we have changed IMMENSELY as people

[mister13eyond]

still relationship ranting forgive me (it's all positive, more or less?)

it's also why it is really funny to me that people constantly talk about like 'i want to be in a relationship but i don't want [one specific part]' and it's like

you can just... you can just NOT do that part, then.

you can NOT cohabitate, if you think living with someone would take away your comfort with your living situation. you can not have sex if you don't want to have sex. you can use or not use any label, you can use or not use any terms of affection, you can choose your level of consistent contact you can choose your level of physical affection you can choose whether you want to make any long-term decisions like pets or marriage or children. you can choose whether you want to be exclusive or monogamous, you can choose whether you have multiple people involved, you can choose whether you make plans now or talk it out later, you can have an ongoing, long-term conversation where you check in periodically to see if anything has changed or if you want to change something.

like! i know the cishets tell us 'you fall in love with ONE person and you will KNOW when you are in love and you will ONLY ever love them FOREVER unless you FALL OUT OF LOVE and then you will be DOOMED TO A TRAGIC BREAKUP OR CHEATING'

but like in my personal experience... it's more like.... 'you will meet someone and you will feel like you are really connected to them and you get along well and you are attracted to them. you can then either nurture that feeling by spending more time together and testing out whether your initial connection is sustainable or you can let it pass through you and simply let things go wherever they go. then you can tell them how you feel, talk about what you think you'd like or not like, decide whether you want to prioritize your relationship and your time together over other, more casual connections in your life, and try it out. and you can talk about this any time something feels off. and you're not going to fall out of love spontaneously and for no reason when you were happy before; most of the time you'll notice that there's more distance between you and you're not as close or communicative as you were previously pretty early along that path. and you can THEN decide whether you want to say 'hey let's do more things together to help us bond and feel close and open up to each other' or you can say 'i think we've probably changed in a way where we're no longer on the same page with our relationship, do you want to figure out what we both need and adjust accordingly?'

which is like. it sounds so sterile and clinical but it's actually GREAT? feelings aren't this great big overpowering beast that you cannot wrangle; love is not a thing that will just spontaneously stop one day despite your desperate desire to still feel it. the more time you spend with someone and the more you support each other, the closer you will feel. the less time you spend and the less you support each other's needs, the further you will drift. you can 100% grow that garden to your own specifications and you can simply choose not to include sex or cohabitation or monogamy or labels or WHATEVER else and it's great because it's YOUR garden.

there is no one hard definition for any relationship and there is no one specific way to have a relationship. it's literally just seeing what feels right and then describing it in whatever terms feel right.

#like idk sometimes i think i sound incomprehensible #but also i've been with one partner for 13 years now and we have changed IMMENSELY as people #and every time there were points where we didn't feel close or comfortable we just like #figured out what we needed or wanted and talked about how to do it best #and the entire reason i'm with my other partner to begin with #is that he and i have REMARKABLY similar feelings about relationships and we could have a long ongoing conversation about comfort levels- #and boundaries and what he wanted out of a relationship #and that lack of pressure let him actually feel comfortable enough with me to explore relationship aspects he had felt super uncomfortable #with previously #and also the entire conversation is STILL ONGOING and Will be In Perpetuity #there might come a time when he wants to change something or he no longer wants the same things out of a relationship! #there might come a time when he needs to pull back and can't give as much time or emotional closeness! #i don't think he has to Love Me Forever but as long as he WANTS to do this and feels GOOD doing it then #i'm enjoying myself! #and if there comes a point where he doesn't we can figure out what to do #maybe we'll just need to redefine things or maybe we'll need to change something like how much time we spend together #or maybe he'll need something from someone who isn't me or maybe he'll find #that he grows close to someone else and is more comfortable in a monogamous relationship with THEM #it's fine? it's not a worry because i trust him to tell me #i like him and i know he cares about me enough to communicate and to check in #god it's 5pm and i'm ranting again #slaps my hands off the keyboard #anyways love is actually great and good and fun and if you find a person who communicates and works well with you #then you'll figure it out together #it may take time but you'll figure it out! #loong post #long post #long tags #personal #relationships

[hunn1e-bunn1e]

Bonten - Debbie Jelinsky (Male) Reader 2

🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.

I wanted to give the reader a husband that he actually likes for a bit of a change, so this is pretty early on into the relationship. I've also decided that this one is very important to Bonten, so they wouldn't kill him nor be okay with the reader killing him. I hope you enjoy this, 🫓Flatbread Anon! — Benny 🐰

Part 1 Part 2

                                                                                                   

🎴•♡•🎴•♡•🎴•♡•🎴•♡•🎴•♡•🎴•♡•🎴•♡•🎴

"Shuusuke? What's wrong?"

[Name] asks his new boyfriend, confused, as the man had stood abruptly from his chair, causing it to jerkily skoot back.

The man in question, Tanabata Shuusuke, a young billionaire who owned a very popular tech company operating out of Sendai. The blonde man had reached the peak of his success at the age of 28 and it kept climbing for the next 5 years to where we are now. Now 33, his company, Tanabata Technology™, was the second most popular in all of Japan.

The young and wealthy bachelor was pretty easy on the eyes as well. In fact, many news stations and magazines voted him as the most handsome billionaire of 20××. To furthur estimate his popularity; Tanabata Shuusuke would get at least 13 letters of love and admiration from random strangers every single day without fail.

"[Name]....—"

Softly speaks the blonde as he gracefully walk around the table; coming to a stop in front of his seated e/c eyed lover.

"—....Every day from the moment I met you has been a whirlwind of pure bliss for me. You've made me feel like noone has ever made me feel before. You complete me, truly. So I want to ask you...—"

He slowly gets down on one knee as he gently takes [Name]'s small hands into his; carefully he reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a royal blue cube shaped box. Flipping it open, Shuusuke reveals a gorgeous ring, consisting of gold band with the words 'Our Love Is Eternal' intricately ingraved on the inner side and a large heart shaped diamond implanted into it.

"—... Matsumoto [Name], will you do me the honor of becoming my husband?"

"Yes! Yes! Yes! I'll marry you!"

"I still don't understand why we have to find this fucker in the first place. We already have Kokonoi, why do we need another person like 'im?"

Complains a surprisingly sober Sanzu as he lazily sprawls out on one of the sofas in Bonten's common room.

Bonten had been searching for the serial killing gold digger after a while of letting him go, which was a very strange decision on Mikey's part, considering they usually never let people go.

But now it seemed that their boss had regretted that decision thus ordering his men to try and find him again. What prompted the sudden change of heart was left out from their orders and they won't exactly ask either, lest they get offed for questioning leadership.

"I don't exactly mind finding him, he had a great ass. I'd love to see him again."

Ran says from his place behind the sofa that the pinkette was occupying as he smoothly inserts himself into the conversation with a sly look on his face.

Kakucho, who was seated in the sofa opposite to Sanzu, deadpanned at the elder Haitani's response. He silently rolled his eyes along with Rindou who was sat next to him scrolling on his phone. The two gave each other a side glance that held so many words of exasperation and expectancy.

"Of course you would."

Rindou groans, finally done with his side-eye conversation with Kakucho.

Ran looked at his younger brother with a teasing expression as he simply shrugs as if to say 'what can ya do'. Prompting yet another eye roll from the jellyfish haired man.

"I found him.—"

Says a previously silent Kokonoi as he reads the information off his screen.

"— Looks like we were right, he got married again. And it's to another one of our partners, but it's an important one, so we need to get to him before he decides to kill the guy."

"Ah! That vanity is vintage! Be more careful, will you! You can put it in the lounge."

A robe clad [Name] huffs at the clumsy movers as they accidentally bump his furniture into a nearby wall.

It had been a few days since Shuusuke had proposed to him in that restaurant; the billionaire asking him to move in right then and there. Which leads us to now, where the last truck full of [Name]'s possessions were being moved into their now shared home.

The h/c-ette vaguely remembered his now fiancee telling him earlier that he'd be meeting with some people today. Perhaps he was still talking with them, it would certainly explain why he wasn't present. Surely if he came and got his wonderfully rich husband, Shuusuke wouldn't mind him interrupting whatever meeting he was in. [Name] was his fiancee now after all, he needs must be tended to.

The e/c eyed man nodded to himself as he made his way to the home office, his eyes carefully scanning the halls so he wouldn't get lost again. Even if he'd been given a tour of the entire estate, it would take a while to really know where he was going.

Reaching the intended door, [Name] gave a brisk knock, entering before an answer could be given. He made a b-line for his blonde fiancee, paying no mind to his guests, and planted a kiss on the man's forehead. He was startled though by his lover's nervous expression.

And then he heard it.

"Well, well, well... If it isn't the cutie from Minato.~"

Shit.

🎴•♡•🎴•♡•🎴•♡•🎴•♡•🎴•♡•🎴•♡•🎴•♡•🎴

🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.

Wanna see similar content? Check out my Masterlist!

#male reader #tokyo revengers #tokyo rev #bonten #tokyo revengers x male reader #tokyo revengers x reader #tokyo rev x reader #tokyo rev x male reader #tr x male reader #tr x reader #bonten x male reader #bonten x reader #ran x reader #ran x male reader #sanzu x male reader #sanzu x reader #rindou x reader #rindou x male reader #kokonoi x reader #kokonoi x male reader #kakucho x reader #kakucho x male reader #kakucho #ran haitani #rindou haitani #kokonoi hajime #tokyo revengers sanzu #tokyo revengers rindou #tokyo revengers ran #🫓flatbread anon

[haecien]

I found this cool prompt generator for ships! If ya want the link its here ;D

8/13

Angst, hurt comfort, tiniest of fluff (FUCK YOU GENERATOR.) , Non-idol AU, happy ending (i promise )

Warnings: Cursing, attempted kidnapping, mentions of hitting & blood, reader was kinda being a bitch HELP

Link to the masterlist

So maybe I DID go overboard with hao, its hao what you'd expect

Chapter playlist (to set the mood:D )

Word count- Estimated 2k-3k (read more under the cut)

Xu Minghao/Seo Myungho ; Everlasting promises

(LMAO IGNORE THAT IT SAYS "you has" I forgot to change it to y/n)

" Happy Birthday my love! " Minghao said as he gave you a cake that was beautifully decorated, " Haooo! You've really outdone yourself with this cake, It's absolutely amazing! "

He got a bit flustered from the complement " Only the best for My Love. But I did get a little bit of help from the guys... but I did majority of the work! "

You pecked his cheek " Non the less you did a perfect job, what would I do without my amazing boyfriend. " Minghao couldn't help but smile like an idiot, he loves you dearly. You both had a rough first meeting, who would have known you both would be whipped for each other?

" C'mon, go blow out your candles. And make a wish~ " He said as he placed down the cake on the table and stood behind you, you blew out the candles. " I know I'm not suppose to tell you this but, Hao can you make my wish come true? "

" How exactly? " you looked at him deeply in the eyes " Promise me you'll never forget me, and I'll never forget you. No matter where we may go I'll always be with you. " he was struck by your words, " And i'll always be with you. Promise. " he cupped your cheeks as he kissed you.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Even after all of that, after everything he said, you still felt empty. Sure sometimes he'd say I love you but, he felt very distant after a while.

You were talking to Dino, Jun and Seungkwan. You guys were just catching up, maybe you just slipped a few things of minghao, but it really didn't escalate much. You had this weird feeling like they were uneasy with you when you mentioned him.

" Y/n, we need to tell you something. " Dino spoke up, his tone was serious and very stern. " You know, In highschool. Hao he, he just got with you to prove to us he could actually get a partner... We also betted money that it could last for a year. "

suddenly, it felt like a part of you just left. Is this why he's so distant now a days?

you excused yourself that you had to go saying shit like " Oh I left my iron on " something like that, you rushed back to your house opening the door and collapsing on your bed. You couldn't help but just cry.

It was the best relationship I've ever had. why did you leave so suddenly? It also made you fucking sick how he pretended to care, why was he doing this, this was all an attempt to make him look cool.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

" My love why so sulky? " Minghao said as he hugged you from behind, " Please cut the act Minghao. "

Minghao let go of you and backed up a bit. " What do you mean? " he said he sounded confused.

" I know about the bet you made in highschool, you know the one that happend when we started dating. " you said looking at him dead in the eyes, you were hurt just seeing him now knowing the truth

He stumbled over his words " What? Oh. Love, that was a long time ago ple- "

" I used to like you a lot back then, but now knowing what you did it seems like everything was fake. You've been distant lately, did I ask too much from you? Huh, fuck foolish of me thinking you've actually liked me. " tears started to swell your eyes, this is painful. You took your stuff and stormed out of his house

I had made so many plans for our future, what happend to all of that? That love was something I never felt something like that, I wonder if ill ever find a love like that again.

Whenever I would be down, I'd go back to him. No, don't you fucking dare. I am not okay, I thought we were suppose to be together.

....

This ringing in my head, it hurts. I feel dizzy, I want to close my eyes. But I feel like I'm in danger, who was this?

Who was this taking me away?

I'm too weak to move, everything hurts.

The person is hitting my head with something heavy, my head feels very dizzy, I could feel the blood dripping down from my head.

I'll just rest for a bit.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Minghaos pov:

I stood there, shit I messed up big time. They felt unhappy, why didn't I listen?

Please, I did love you a lot. I promise, I tried to let go of what I did in the past.

I've changed I swear. I love you too much that my heart aches for you, this "bet" wasn't ment to last long, but you've taken my heart. And now I can't let you go.

My heart aches for you, please come back.

I walked out trying to find you. Shit, why is it raining? Why is it only my face that is getting hit, I can't stop it.

I'm I crying?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I searched for you, hours had passed by. Where was my love?

" Shit. " I whispered under my breath as I ran towards your body.

" Fuck, no. No, I can not loose you. " I placed your head into my arms, no. Please I can live with you being separated from me but, I can not handle being separated from you for more than an eternity.

I rushed you to the nearest hospital, luckly it was not that far away from us. Please stay with me my love.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Minghao waited paitently by your side, " please I'm so sorry. I don't care if you decide not to forgive me, ill still love you endlessly. " He repeated these words in his head, he fucked up big time.

" Oh y/n, please be okay, please. " he grabbed your hand and squeezed it, you lost a lot of blood. You hated him but he still loved you.

The doctor entered your room, " Hello, I'm here to tell you Y/n L/n's results. Are you... Xu Minghao? I need to know your relationship with the patient. "

" I'm... - " he hesitated for a bit " I'm there boyfriend. " the doctor nodded and got closer to your bed.

" So, the paitent did loose a lot of blood. But luckly they'll still be fine, but I think you'll be needing to stay here for, around a week. "

" A week? Oh. I should go and get my things prepared... " Minghao stood up " Very well, ill take my leave. " the doctor exited the room.

" Oh what I'm I going to do with you my love. " he pecked your cheek. " I'll be back. "

Minghao was willing to wait for you until you woke up, but. He still didn't know how to properly apologize to you, he knew that he loved you. He knew that

He just didn't know how to express that into words.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Minghao stayed by your side, just as he promised on your birthday.

Endless hours have turned into days, and those days turned into weeks. Minghao was getting worried, whenever you would ever so slightly twitch your fingers, or moved the slightest bit he'd get excited thinking you were awake.

But, you never did. Minghao would write little journal entries in a small notebook he recently bought, you know just to keep track.

Slowly but surely, minghao was starting to doubt if you'd even wake up. He took out his phone and started to look at his gallery.

All his photos of you and him, those random pictures of you doing the most stupid shit. Fuck, he missed you a lot. Looking back on these memories made him teary eyed.

Suddenly minghao heart a sound from you, a slight grunt. Oh shit, were you waking up?

Its been approximately 3 months since the accident. Minghao couldn't help but run over to you as fast as he can, " Love? Are you there. I know you're upset, but please just let me ex- "

" Who, are you? " you said looking confused. Shit, who was this man? Why was he here.

" ... What? " Minghao's heart sank. So deep, this was just painful, but. Atleast you don't remember how much you hurted because of him, but all your memories together. They were all gone?

" Y/n it's me, come on. Stop playing with me, its me. Minghao! " he stood there for a bit, trying his best to hold back his tears. " I'm, I'm terribly sorry. Doesn't ring a bell. "

Minghao sighed in defeat, how was he going to make you fall in love with him again? He didn't want to loose you again, Minghao called in the doctor in for help

Unfortunately they couldn't do much, the damage that happend to the brain couldn't be fix. But the plus side was you could be discharged in a few days... yay?

" So.. " you looked at minghao " What, were you to me? " Minghao looked at the ground and took a deep sigh, " Well. You were my partner and I was your lovely boyfriend " he said laughing a bit.

" Wow, well aren't you so lovely? " Hearing that again for the first time in awhile made his heart flutter, " Pft, ofcourse I am. You chose me to be your boyfriend anyways... " Minghaos tone was, sad. Who wouldn't be in a situation like this?

" .... How was our relationship? How long were we a thing? " you asked curiously.

" It was the most amazing relationship I've ever had, Haha. You fell for my charm and I fell for your beautiful personality, I'm sorry that I wasn't there to protect you. " you reassured him that it was okay, " Please, I'm sure it wasn't your fault anyways! "

You said as you gave a bright smile to him, you'd always smile for him whenever he was upset. Made him even more happier.

He couldn't help but smile at you.

" Here, you can't remember all of this happening but. We took these on the day of your birthday. "

Minghao took out a picture of you too both eating cake, minghao had placed frosting on your face as a joke but you ofcourse had to hit him back.

At the end both of your faces were covered in frosting. Those were good times, " We look funny here. " you said giggling a bit at yourself.

" We do, hehe. Look at you, you're face is covered entirely with frosting. "

" Yours too! " you lightly hitted him while laughing. " Can you show me more pictures? We look like we're having so much fun hehe. "

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Minghao was trying his best to help you remember him, he was hesitant with you a bit. Usually he'd call you pet names but he wasn't so sure if you were okay with it.

You'd look at old pictures on your phone, trying your very best to remember everything. You don't even remember how much he hurted you,

You forgotten what type of person minghao was, sure he was attractive but. Was he worth just getting back into a relationship with?

You knew deep down he was still hurting that his love had forgotten everything about him.

You tried your best to be attentive to whenever he'd randomly go on and ramble about how your relationship was.

He looked so excited whenever you asked questions, his eyes practically lit up due to his excitement.

Surprisingly, you remember majority of your childhood but your highschool days were blurry. Sure you remembered your friends, and some of the guys too but. Suprisngly minghao never appeared in your memories.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You were chilling in your room, minghao wasn't around since he was out with his friends for a little get together. So you were left alone in your house

You felt as if, there was something in your room that was important. But, what was it? You got up and fucking destroyed your room, items were everywhere.

You had to find this "thing" , maybe it could help you with your memory who knows.

After minutes and minutes of searching, you found a box that was hidden at a secret compartment under your bed. It felt heavy, you slightly shook the box, jeez. There was a lot of stuff in the box.

You sat down on your bed with the box on your lap, on the lid it said " Everlasting promises. " , weird name.

You opened the box.

(This video contains glitches)

I was filled with both rage and sorrow. Where was minghao? You wanted to beat him up and apologize for everything.

Hes been so sweet to you for the past few weeks. Was his feelings actually real?.. was I in the wrong.. ?

You began to cry, looking at the pictures that were already wet due to your tears. God, you were such a bitch to him. You didn't even let him explain, yet he still blamed himself after all of this.

Minghao knocked on your door indicating he was there as he opened your door. You quickly tried to whipe your tears away, not wanting him to see you.

" Y/n? - " he looked around to see the box still on your lap with all the items outside spread out. He realized that you've been crying and he quickly went close to you.

He got down on one knee infront of you looking at you, " Y/n, are you alright?.. Oh y/n, you're beautiful face is all puffy. Why are you so upset? Can you tell me. "

Hearing his words made you cry even more, you struggled to form a sentence. " I'm sorry. " you mumbled out " Everything was my fault " you blurted out.

" Wait, you remember?.. "

" Yes! " you said, tears started to form again. Minghao went close to you and took you in his arms for a hug.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You and minghao started to explain both sides and you both went in a mutual agreement.

It actually took you awhile to start dating again, but eventually. You both started dating again

Happier than ever.

" Hao! Oh my god its our anniversary... where are we going? "

" Secret love, but you'll love it. "

(May or may not have connected it to this post, look i fucking love it HAHA )

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

General tag list: @woozvc

Cien rambles

AAAAA THIS TOOK ME 3 DAYS TO WRITE.

#seventeen #cienlvrs #seventeen imagines #svt imagines #seventeen x reader #seventeen imagine #svt fanfic #svt minghao #minghao x reader #xu minghao #seventeen minghao #minghao #seventeen angst #svt angst #svt fic #svt x reader #svt #the8 x you #svt the8 #the8 x reader #seventeen the8 #the8

[foxes-that-run]

Lover

The Lover video, the title track from Lover, is also brimming with Haylor references, some from Harry's later videos. Starting in Green the Benjamin photo is a reference to Olivia in Me!

Orange room they are on the ceiling, like the cover of Harry's house

The games are a reference to Scrabble, which Harry loves. Taylor also references playing Scrabble with Harry by text in the End Game Making of. Harry has posted about Scrabble on Insta and again in 2015 and again a game with his mum in 2013, in this video and photos by Georgina Fowler in 2013 and this collection of Harry's scrabble board photos.

The other games are lyric references, After glow is an apology, paired with king of my heart a YB song. On a scrabble board in a song about an affair.:.. my theory is that about half of this album and Harry’s Fine Line is about a Haylor affair. Breakable heaven & devils roll, are from cruel summer.

At dinner they eat Spaghetti, which Harry also eats in late night talking. This is an odd one, but the same joke was in this scene as this fan mail interview. When Harry reads it he seems surprised, then gets it and smiles.

The Red room features New Years Day, with the party and glitter on the floor after. He looks sad because they broke up after rather than staying to clean up bottles. 💔 However, in lover they have matured and commit in their own rules (not the 1950’s shit people want from her) so alls well that ends well to end up with you. ❤️ The beau's jacket references a Live on Tour suit of Harrys from Summer 2018.

The Style Video is referenced in the video projector room. This is also in the Lyric video for the song and both reference the home movies used in Style and 1989 promos.

The Fishbowl room is about Taylor's life being in a fish bowl and the muse being willing to jump into it. This is a Haylor Reference because Harry did, whereas other partners have been very private. Harry referenced this scene in the Adore You video where he had a fish that kept getting unmanageably large as he kept doing everything he can to care for it. The Adore Lyrics include: "Honey (ah) / I'd walk through fire for you / Just let me adore you" meaning he will jump in the bowl.

Taylor's yellow dress is very similar to Harry's yellow bird in Daylight.

Lyrics

In diary of a song Taylor tells how she wrote the lyrics in a night in Nashville flew to New York and finished the song that day. She said the song was about putting a spin on typical marriage themes. While often attributed to Joe, the title of ‘lover’ means not boyfriend/husband. The comments on a spin relate to committing to a non traditional relationship. She posted a bizarre thanks to Scott b in that same shirt when she changed label in nov 2018, though that date she was in Tokyo. It looks like maybe an earlier photo recording lover.

We could leave the Christmas lights up 'til January And this is our place, we make the rules And there's a dazzling haze, a mysterious way about you dear Have I known you 20 seconds or 20 years?

In diary of a song Taylor said the first line is about making your own rules. The initial lyric was leaving the lights up till April. Taylor is telling us this is a non-traditional relationship where they set the rules.

20 seconds/20 years is referenced in Taylors Daylight. 20 (13+7) is in many Haylor songs. Mysterious ways is similar to in So it Goes Taylor refers to her muse as "my magician".

Can I go where you go? Can we always be this close forever and ever? And ah, take me out, and take me home You're my, my, my, my Lover

Can I go where you go is a reference to wanting to be together despite their careers keeping them apart. Harry and Taylor have a lot lyrics about distance keeping them apart (Come back, be here, If I Could Fly, Love of my Life, Canyon Moon)

We could let our friends crash in the living room This is our place, we make the call And I'm highly suspicious that everyone who sees you wants you I've loved you three summers now, honey, but I want 'em all

When Harry and Taylor were first together neither had a fixed address, they spent a lot of time in hotels and referred to each other as home (Sweet Creature) They also both bought their current houses in that time, which explains the young adult lyric.

Taylor and Joe had been together for 3 summers, so maybe YB. However the song title is 'lover' not 'boyfriend' and she sings summers, not years. HS and TS had also been together for 3 summers: 2012, August 2013 & 2014. Other maybe times are fall 2016 and winter 2018 not Summer.

Gold Rush also talks about feeling suspicious that people who see Harry want him. It would have been very hard even for a popstar for a 23 year old to date this guy:

Ladies and gentlemen, will you please stand? With every guitar string scar on my hand I take this magnetic force of a man to be my lover My heart's been borrowed and yours has been blue All's well that ends well to end up with you Swear to be overdramatic and true to my lover And you'll save all your dirtiest jokes for me And at every table, I'll save you a seat, lover

In diary a song Taylor talked about a spin on marriage vows, like paper rings these songs are saying she will not marry either beau, one her lover who she wishes she could follow everywhere and the other her ‘not-shiny available boyfriend’

Taylor also uses Magnetic to describe her muse in Gorgeous, there in the context of not being able to hold back from them. Taylor also describes Harry as Magnetic in suburban legends.

The borrowed heart refers to the other people Taylor has dated during the on/off period. A blue heart is a reference to depression, something Harry has sung about in Falling and HS1. Blue is also the colour of 1989.

They are both overdramatic and true to each other. This line in particular separates YB and HS as the muse, YB is decidedly not overdramatic and seemed to tolerate it in TS.

Can I go where you go? Can we always be this close forever and ever? And ah, take me out, and take me home (forever and ever) You're my, my, my, my Oh, you're my, my, my, my Darling, you're my, my, my, my Lover

In diary of a song Taylor talks about “can I go where you go” as a profound question, which it is if going where your lover goes means giving up one of your massive careers and engaging with Stan’s and tabloids. As explored in Anti-hero and Peace Taylor’s career is big enough to make anything hard, but the wording here of going where her beau goes implies the muse has their own challenges beyond hers. Taylor asking how can we make it work and fit in our lives together, how can we protect this connection.

Take me home, is in Style: "So it goes / He can't keep his wild eyes on the road, mm / Takes me home / The lights are off, he's taking off his coat, mm, yeah" they also sing about home a lot.

Finally, my "Lover" means a partner in a sexual or romantic relationship outside marriage, AKA not her BF.

#taylor swift #lover album #haylor

[floralcrematorium]

I don't know if youve answered this before, but what made you come back? I'm not that old in the fandom, maybe half a year and it's so interesting how that fandom changed and how it used to be.

Thanks for the ask! I'm gonna be real with you, it was an accident. This is about to be a loooooooong ass post so I'm putting it beneath the cut:

It happened steadily in July. A very slippery slope.

I left in or around 2018 just because I lost interest. A friend in 7th grade introduced me to it in early 2014. I had been running my Instagram account since Summer of 2014 with my best friend (who at the time had been my partner, and by 2018 we had broken up) and our other friend. We'd all moved on and the account became dead. It wasn't a good account, but we'd amassed 1.1k followers during our tenure. Those were the days of if you wanted to post a comic, there were no Instagram slides. You had to post it all individually. The account was deleted in 2021? I think? 2020?

So come July 2023, I was poking around in my old Google Drive and found some of my old Hetalia stuff. Which included a fic with the aforementioned friends. It uh. Is not good. I reread it and oh boy is it a product of its time (we were probably 13-15 when we wrote it) and it was a 3 way POV that we all wrote with self insert characters. It was basically Heta characters get thrown in the setting of Outlast but with the plot of FNAF. Yeah. So uh. Not much to defend there. I jokingly went to my friends like "Hey, what if we rewrote this but not horrible" and we genuinely thought about it! For a night.

But for me it wasn't one night.

I kept thinking about it.

And one thing led to the next, I was revisiting old Youtube videos I liked and reread a fic I used to like.

I think what really did me in was listening to the character songs again and a couple of hetaloid covers. I was doing artfight and listening only to Hetalia music while I drew.

I genuinely did not really use my normal Tumblr before floralcrematorium came to be. I have an entirely separate account for personal stuff and art (I will not be sharing it) and it got to a point where I was seeking so much Hetalia stuff that I figured, why the fuck not, and eventually made an account. I also eventually made my first A03 account (I was on Wattpad and FFN back in the day) because someone wrote a CanUkr fic where Mattie had overexerted himself and was in the hospital and Katya and Alfred were going to kill him because he kept insisting he could work (I CANNOT FIND THIS FIC AGAIN, I FOUND IT ON TUMBLR ORIGINALLY, PLEASE HELP IF THIS RINGS A BELL!!).

And uh, so here I am!

I draw Hetalia stuff on occasion (I should... draw more considering that's what I went to college for but whatever) and have a couple of ideas for illustration series in my head.

I've got a lot of fic ideas I want to write. I have a literal list on my phone. I think about it in bed, at work, and little things remind me of Hetalia all the time.

I've gotten back into RP (I used to use Shamchat and Kik).

I've met so many cool people and I've been having a wonderful time being back so far. When I was originally in the fandom, I consumed a lot of content, but as far as mutuals went it was just me and my two friends. Meeting so many new people has been absolutely wonderful.

Hetalia is really the only fandom I've been in. I've liked other media and consumed fics/enjoyed art/bought prints (COUGH RWBY), but Hetalia is the only media I've ever had fan accounts for. It's the only media I've so deeply entrenched myself in that I feel comfortable writing fics. My walls used to be covered in Hetalia -- both official wall scrolls and shitty art I'd made myself (I have pictures I can attach at the end of the post). I had... so much merch. When I was 14 I only asked for Hetalia related things for my birthday. Every now and again I get that "am I doing the right thing?" ick because of the negative fandom reputation and reactions I'd get from people when I would admit to having liked Hetalia in the past, but I don't care about that now. Genuinely, fuck that. I like this piece of media whether I want to or not. I'm not going to be a self-hating Hetalia fan like I was in 2018-2021/22. I've come back to the show with completely different... motives? Idk what the right phrase is here -- I'm here to explore the characters of these little freaks (looking at you, Francis), I love all of the fanart I see, I like the exchange of historical and cultural information/resources.

Sure, I'd consider my fandom niche to be humanverse Francis and FACE fam, but I genuinely enjoy exploring outside of my corner of the fandom. I try to spread myself out -- I want to consume everything. I want to be exposed to everything.

Hetalia is one of the single most impactful pieces of media in my life. Without it, I wouldn't have my best friend, who broke up with me for APH Austria in 2015. The friends I ran the Instagram account with and I are all still in contact. I talk to one much more frequently than the other, but they are both so near and dear to my heart and I can't believe that this silly show is what got us to where we are. The youngest of us is about to graduate college a whole year early. I met her when she was 11 and I was 12 or 13? I couldn't be more proud of her, of the three of us, and it's been so fun to have these occasional nights where we (okay, just me) get tipsy and go through old fandom media/watch the dub and go ooooof. I was in a really bad place when I was originally into Hetalia. Coming back now feels like coming full circle.

The old fandom had plenty of its own issues, and the fandom now certainly isn't devoid of issues, but now that the fanbase has shifted to an older audience and I actually have like. Social skills. I love talking to other people. I like creating. I like thinking about these stupid characters before I go to bed.

My single favorite thing about the Hetalia fandom now is the care put into historical work as well as the exploration of portrayals of the characters. Because Hetalia lacks a plot and Hima is constantly retconning things, everyone has their own interpretations of everything. Everyone has their own version of Francis Bonnefoy, Yao Wang, or Alfred F. Jones. And that's so cool!!! You don't see that anywhere else.

I know I'm typically a pessimist on main, but I'm genuinely glad to be back. It's weird to be back. I've had mixed reactions from irl friends that I'm back.

But who the fuck cares?

I'm having fun, I'm making friends, and I can't believe there are still people here.

I genuinely hope I'm here for a while. I have so much I want to write. I want to draw all of the things my skill level was too low for back when I was a teen.

CRINGE IS DEAD AND I AM FREE.

The following images are certainly about to destroy any cool perception anyone has of me, if they even do. I was... certainly a teenager, is all I have to say! I am,,, thankfully not like this anymore. I hope.

Here are those pictures of my bedroom circa 2015 I promised:

DO NOT ASK ME ABOUT THE LIVE LAUGH LOVE.

That drawing of Russia with Neko-Talia Russia? Yeah. Uh. I did that for an art project in the 7th grade for class. I also did a ceramics piece with the mochis, that I've since lost. These images scream "I'm 14 and like Hetalia in 2015."

I used to have little hearts with all the ships I liked in them (I think that's AusHun in the picture on the left?). I also had "I love you" written in like 20 languages on index cards taped above my headboard.

Also a literal timestamp I found in my old emails with the friend who got me into Hetalia:

Being a young teenager in the old fandom certainly,,,, was something. I would not relive that, but by god would I do ANYTHING to get my favorite pieces of fan media back from that time. There was a video called "Hetalia What Did You Do To Panda" which was a bunch of clips from the anime with Katie Herzig's "Hey Na Na" playing in the background. Every now and then a dub audio clip would interject with the song.

I also really miss this one very specific Character Theme Songs video that had Poland in the thumbnail. Mein Gott would play between each song and I could tell you most of the songs that had been assigned to each character.

I would do ANYTHING to get those videos back. I miss them so much.

Anyway, if you read this whole thing, thanks for reading??? I am very Cool And Normal about the things I like, unfortunately. It's nice to come back to Hetalia and like... be a normal person about it.

All I've got to say is, when I like something, I like it a lot.

#floralcrematorium ask box #floralcrematorium is so normal and cool #ne ne papa echoes in my nightmares #soph's public diary

[vex-cti]

[LONGPOST] I just finished... Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth

I wanna write down all my thoughts before I delve into more in-depth online opinions. I'm writing this on the same day as having done the last two chapters of the game, so I may have not had time to process the story completely. However, I've been playing this game for the entire month and I got a lot to say. Obvious spoilers ahead, but I'll still try to keep some things vague enough.

Okay Square Enix, you win, I'll use photo mode

Graphics in video games are like how attractive a dessert looks, it doesn't dictate how it will taste, but it makes you want to try it. Rebirth feels like one of those games that is finally showing what the PS5 is capable of, with environments extremely rich in detail, superb lightning that's both colorful and conveys the right emotion for each scene, this is the prettiest Final Fantasy has ever looked, even compared to 16 which had some optimization issues and dull lightning in some areas, specially towards endgame. No single location in Rebirth feels half-baked, what used to be single screens and flat textures in the original have been completely re-imagined to have their own identity. I will talk about more about the open environments when I talk about gameplay and exploration.

Reliving the moments: Going above and beyond

The cutscene direction for this game is absolutely phenomenal, I love that they have amped up the campiness of the original 7, while also being faithful to the serious and emotional moments. What shines even more in Remake is the excellent writing when it comes to the characters, their performances are full of charisma, and it made it clear to me why the cast of seven ended up becoming so iconic to gaming as a whole. Every scene with these characters interacting, no matter if it was the dullest of sidequests, made everything entertaining. But the best part of Rebirth, like its predecessor, it's when it brings back the iconic moments we all wanted to see. The Junon Parade, Costa del Sol, Red XIII and Cosmo Canyon, Barret and Corel, and many more of these moments have barely altered from how they happened originally, reliving these moments feels like watching a high production TV Series based on a book you loved as a kid. If you love the original FFVII but have no intentions of playing the remake due to how things change, I at least recommend you look up the scenes that do stay faithful.

Some things left me wanting

Still, Rebirth only covers up to the end of Disc 1 section of the story, and has some blatant teases from trailers and the game itself that left me wanting. The Planet's weapons are mentioned and different versions appear, but there's no Diamond or Ruby weapon superboss yet. Both Cid and Vincent make their debuts near the final chapters, but are not playable for now, which left me a little disappointed. And this lets me segway perfectly into the other best part of Rebirth...

Can I just say I love the portraits in this game? Love me some PNGs

When I first played Part 1 of the Remake saga, I felt like I had no idea of what I was doing with the combat, I found the action-hybrid system too complicated and visually cluttered I felt like I was brute forcing every fight and not really enjoying myself. I finished the game and didn't come back to it until early this year where I decided to do Hard Mode for the Platinum, and this time I had a way better time, now understanding the combat system and each fight better. It makes for a flashy, semi tactical game with very visceral and satisfying animations, powers, character building thanks to materia, the importance of positioning, blocking, switching aggro, it felt like the realization of what games like FF12 and 13 aimed to be.

So imagine my surprise when Rebirth made it even better. Fundamentals are still the same, new skills were to be expected, but my favorite new addition are synergy skills. Not only do you get special commands you can perform with your partners in the party with extremely satisfying animations, you also have synergy real time action commands which reward you for being more reactive and agressive, now adding perfect blocks and counters, now every time you play with a different team composition you're gonna feel the difference of having Barret or Red or Yuffie as your partner, as you get access to different skills.

They also help you build ATB for characters not actively controlled at any given time, which is an excellent quality of life improvement. My only nitpick is that despite the menus allowing you to have 3 different party compositions and even allowing you to set the leader for each, Cloud is mandatory. Cloud is of course good at everything, so it's not the worst thing, but it does suck that I can't play as a team of Barret, Red, and Yuffie at any time in the open world. Though you can do that at virtual combat challenges or the colliseum. This feels like an oversight.

Fortunately, this meant I was playing around different characters all the time, because they're all great, and it feels super satisfying to set the right materia for each one according to what you envision them to be and complement their abbilities. Some are obvious: give Yuffie the steal materia, give Aerith healing materia. But who gets to be the mage, the debuffer, the buffer, the tank, that's up to you. I found Red XIII + Darkside materia works extremely well thanks to his Reaper Claw abbility and his health regeneration, sort of like a bestial Dark Knight, great crowd control and support all around. Cait Sith takes some work to get used to, and requires lots of setup, but his luck based gameplay can have some serious benefits, I'm sure he will come in handy in hard mode. Yuffie plays almost identically to her DLC, and she is excellent for handling boss fights with multiple parts or different weaknesses.

Exploring will either be fun or tedious, depends on who you ask

I feel like the other primary component of the gameplay, which is the exploration and traversal, will be a bit more divisive. It takes tropes from standard open world games like towers, points of interest, fast travel, loot locations, hunts, there is nothing new or original about it. However, that doesn't mean it can't be fun. Completing areas feels like I'm playing a collect-a-thon akin to Sonic Frontiers, where while it may not be the most exciting thing in the world, it is very relaxing for me, as I take in the sights and look for ways to get to new areas and find the next rare fiend. What I enjoy about the world design is that areas are not large, but are very packed and designed in such a way where you can't get everywhere by just looking at markers on the map, sometimes you do have to look for clues on the environment to get to where you need to, meaning you're looking at where you're going more than your tracker, which is great, but you still get the benefits of one. So it's a nice compromise, not as open ended as BoTW or Elden Ring, but not as braindead as a Ubisoft game. However, completing these areas can take a while, and if you're like me and plan to do all of them, don't be surprised when each area can take you up to 10 hours if you want to do everything.

"No seriously Cloud, I'm still waiting!" -Sephiroth, 100 hours into your game file

If you remember FF16 (I love that game too btw), you might remember how universally hated the sidequests were, not so much for their stories, but for their large amount and lack of variety. It seems like Rebirth is an active effort to avoid those same mistakes. Most sidequests in this game has you doing something different, have an entertaining story or character development attached to them, or even have you doing something dumb like bringing chickens back to their sweet innocent mother, or following an Ex Shinra employee in some brutal gold saucer challenges. I won't say every sidequest is a winner, at the end of the day, they're still busywork, and never will a game make you feel good saying "Congratulations on your progress, you have unlocked even more sidequests to do!". Still, I have to commend them, they do not bombard you with them, you can do a few at a time and be good for the next area, and the rewards allow your party to access more skills.

They have some of the most fun music too

The sidequest also introduce an excuse to have you do more of the minigames and take on their harder difficulties. And BOY did they add soooo many minigames, I could not believe I was encountering a new one what feels like every hour. There's something both horrifying and admirable about the devs commitment to bring back the spirit of a ps1 classic in this way. Have you noticed that triple AAA games basicly don't do minigames anymore? Yea fishing games are still around I guess, but Rebirth is not ashamed to harken to those videogamey roots and sheer goofiness. Red football, Fort Condor (love the reinterpretation), Super Dolphin Sunshine, and so many more. Enjoy youself with these minigames, and pick your least favorites too because there will be at least one that will make you want to break your controller. Contenders for me are Glide de Chocobo for it's terrible camera, and Gears & Gambits for having an overwhelming amount of Gambits for such a simple minigame (even FF12 had you start with a small amount). Still, there is more bad than good here. What I was not expecting was a brand new card game, akin to Triple Triad in 8 and 14: Queen's Blood.

*Insert Yugioh abridged reference here*

Not only did I not expect a new card game 2 hours into the game, I did not expect it to be so good, and have me thinking about different deck builds, deck synergy, strategies, and ways to one up your opponent with some smart plays. Queen's Blood is an extremely fun time sink and nice break from all the combat and normal exploration. It can be overwhelming at first, and having so many different cards with effects each is a hassle I've seen many not even wanting to bother with, finding some of its rules to be too confusing. I will say that if you're not constantly updating your deck with better cards you won't be making much progress, but you also won't know what cards are better if you don't play enough to get what your objective is, so it's best to start getting into it the sooner you start the game. Do make sure you take note of some of the later puzzles and challenges, as they can teach you strategies to make comebacks on hard duels.Screw the survival challenges, though.

But the journey isn't quite the same, after all

Perhaps the stuff I have the least things to say about, are the new elements to the story, which are more prevalent during the beginning and ending sequences of the game. I was honestly intrigued at the start, the tension and anxiety felt in this unknown timeline Zack has walked into, and the mystery surrounding the true fate of our protagonists, as it shows you bits and pieces of more information the further you progress, I was curious to where things were going. Unfortunately, the ending provided even more questions than answers, and I still feel like it's not as emotionally impactful as perhaps it intends to be, maybe due to the lack of clear information. I understand it wants to keep itself vague with the idea of multiple timelines and universes colliding, or what Sephirot's actual plan is. But it does make things like the Whispers feel even more pointless than when they showed up in Remake, but at least their presence has been reduced, as expected. Areas where changes to the story were most effective were when they were not pointed out to be a product of a split timeline, like the conclusion to the Junon festival, or the Gongaga reactor sections.

But of course, what most people were more curious about, was how was the ending going to change, we all knew it was going to be different no matter what. And while I feel like these convoluted elements do take off some of the emotion of the original scene, there is one element which does seem to align these new events with the emotions of the original: Cloud himself. For he experiences the events of the ending differently from the rest, and it's left unclear how reliable is his perspective. Add Sephiroth's manipulation of Cloud's emotions and he becomes this genuinely creepy and ruthless shell of himself. This new problem does not completely go away by the end, as Cloud is not fully aware of it yet. But with how the new version of the ending has unfolded, it left me with these feeling of doubt and... hollowness, confusion, not sure if to be sad, or hopeful. Which I feel is exactly how Cloud feels as well, as his human nature is questioned.

Despite thinking a faithful story remake would have been more satisfying, I can't deny these new events had me thinking about the story of FInal Fantasy 7 in ways I could connect emotionally to it even more. Perhaps, what this game truly achieved for me, is remind me just how much I love this franchise, for its extremely creative worlds and creatures, to its unique stories and unforgettable characters. Rebirth is a celebration of Final Fantasy, a joy to look and play, to relive and to guess. It's got one more part to prove if these changes to the narrative were really worth it, nonetheless. And honestly, I hope they don't keep relying on vagueness as much.

But when they are not being vague, I promise you, every moment, old or new, will feel exciting.

#final fantasy vii #ff7 rebirth #ff7 rebirth review #review #iranted #now when someone asks me what i thought about the game i can just copy paste this #no but wait then they would find my blog #i did not think this throuuuuuuuugh #i wonder if babyboi will want to ever do a final fantasy marathon with me hmmm i got so much to say about all games #i should also mention the towns in this game are WONDERFUL #and the gold saucer date had me internally sobbing

[misscrawfords]

Hello, fanfic writer question, please. 1, 2, 9, 13, 40, 44, 58, 91. There were so many good ones! Thank you

I'm sorry for the delay in answering this! It was Easter and then I've been on holiday...

do you know how you want the story to end when you start, or are you just stumbling through the figurative wilderness hoping to find a road?

I never start writing unless I know the ending of the story. Like how the conclusions to essays should reflect the introduction, the ending of a story needs to be in the mind of the author from the beginning. But there might be quite a lot of wilderness in the middle I'm not sure about!

2. talk about a notable time a narrative or character has looked you dead in the eyes and said “fuck your plan, here’s what we’re actually doing.”

Actually, that doesn't really happen to me a lot. Stories unfurl and sometimes develop in cool ways when I think of a new bit of plot or development, but the characters don't really do this... I guess a kind of example was with my teenage HP next generation sequel where after writing it for quite a long time I realised one of the main characters was gay and this made so much sense! It wasn't relevant in any way to the plot but I felt I understood Xanthia so much better and it wasn't something I consciously plotted out.

9 - already answered

13. talk about a writing experience that has pleasantly surprised you.

Back when I wrote Downton fic, my collaboration with Claire (@orangeshipper) was such a lovely experience. We were just so in tune with each other in terms of what we wanted to convey about Matthew and Mary and it helped us both develop our writing skills a lot. And we became proper IRL friends too. I can't really imagine having a writing partner like that again.

40. best piece of feedback you’ve ever gotten.

Ooh, I don't know about anything specific but I always loved the comments that a fellow M/M shipper EOlivet left on my fic. We ended up kind of falling out but I was always sorry about that - she gave the best feedback! And @wah-pah also writes amazing reviews and I always feel incredibly grateful if she reads what I've written.

44. any writing advice you want to share?

Uhhhhh I'm not sure I, a person who hasn't written in ages, can give anyone any advice! But I guess I would say that writing has to be what you want to do and whatever you do is okay. I've wasted my emotions and my energy feeling competitive about my writing which is stupid when writers should support each other, and I've also felt jealous of people who seem able to write all the time on top of other lives or who are able to prioritise it or manage to write 1000 words a day or whatever. We all have different lives. Right now, my life doesn't admit of me pursuing writing seriously. It's the wrong point. I do hope at some point that will change but it's okay that I am prioritising other things at the moment. So I guess my advice would be to take it easy and not beat yourself up if you're not writing as much as you want to or how you want to - and definitely don't compare yourself to others!

58. what is the last thing that a fic made you google when you were writing it?

Golly, no idea. I'm sorry! It's been so long...

91. how has your writing style changed over the years?

Tricky. I'd like to think it's improved but honestly I'm not sure it has. I think I peaked when I was doing my masters degree, now over 10 years ago. I was so immersed in reading and the analysis of fiction I was really conscious of how I was writing. I wrote Consolation Prize and a lot of University Challenge then. I think I've got better at writing stories set in the modern era since then and perhaps developed more of a style. But tbqh I think I was a better writer ten years ago and I find that really depressing and it puts me off writing again. :(

#gosh it will be so hard to come back to it #one day #but I feel like I've got such an uphill struggle to get there

[hellolovers13]

Annual Writing Self-Evaluation 2022

Annual Writing Self-Evaluation 2022

Shamelessly stolen from @larrysballetslippers

1. Number of stories posted to AO3 this year: 10

2. Word count posted for the year: 83.245 (WTF??)

3. Fandoms I wrote for: One Direction

4. Pairings: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson and Harry Styles/Niall Horan

5. Story with the most:

Kudos: I Hope We Never Change 

Bookmarks: I Hope We Never Change 

Comments: love drunk, waiting on a miracle 

More under the cut.

6. Work I’m most proud of (and why): 

I Hope We Never Change was my first story and I've put a lot of heart into it. But I also have to mention my advent fic love drunk, waiting on a miracle. Writing 30k words in just three weeks is something I could never have seen myself do. It has been a challenge but I am soo glad I did it.

7. Work I’m least proud of (and why):

I Hope We Never Change Yeah I'm really proud of this one, but I also know I could've done soo much better. As is often the case with your first work, I think.

8. Share or describe a favourite review you received:

This one, because I love when a comment reflects what I wanted to portray. Makes me feel like I've done a good job. Same with this one. And I loved this one, too.

I also received some video reaction from my lovely beta @liberty-barnes which is just something else I love that soo much. <3

But honestly, I cry about almost every comment. I'm just soo grateful people enjoy my silly lil writing.

9. A time when writing was really, really hard:

Finishing Every Snowflake Is Different (Just Like You) was really hard. I struggled with fitting the pieces together a lot

10. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

No really a scene, but then again REALLY a scene XD, but writing Slow Hands really wasn't on by bucket list. It was, if nothing else, a great writing exercise and I'm happy people liked it even tho it had Narry in it XD. (also, if anyone sees this as a kinda sequel to I Hope We Never Change, I will not disagree, although I didn't write it like that it might very well be)

11. A favourite excerpt of your writing:

"All that will ever matter to me is you. My sexuality could never be more important. I haven't figured out what I am yet, but I know I’m yours. And I want you to always be mine. Whether that be my boyfriend, girlfriend, my partner.” (I Hope We Never Change)

12. How did you grow as a writer this year:

When I started again in June after almost ten years of not writing anything, I didn't think I would ever post anything. And now here I am, with 10 stories and over 80k words and I can't quite believe that even happened and that people would enjoy my writing at all.

13. How do you hope to grow next year:

There are a lot of areas I struggle with. Writing a scene with lots of people for example. I hope to get out of my comfort zone a bit next year.

14. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

@liberty-barnes Miah, you already know this, but none of these stories would exist without you. Thank you soo much ily<3

@footy-met-mussy Tricia, you were my first real "fan" (lol) and I'm soo happy every time you comment on my fics or leave a tag or anything. ily

15. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

Definitely. Gender stuff is always very close to my heart, but I'm sure loads of my own insecurities blend into my stories as well

16. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

This will sounds like no advice at all, but just write. Doesn't matter if it's good, doesn't matter if it makes sense, doesn't matter if anything's missing. I have so many things marked as unfinished, so many half written sentences (mark those, otherwise your beta will be very confused XD sorry @liberty-barnes :*)

If I have a scene in my head I'll write it even if it's just a few sentences. I can always change it later if it doesn't quite fit anymore, but at least I have it written down.

17. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year: 

Yes, I have a pretty big project planned. Can't wait to start writing.

18. Tag some writers whose answers you’d like to read.

@liberty-barnes @neondiamond @harryslonecurl @bananaheathen @wabadabadaba @lunarheslwt @itsnotreal @disgruntledkittenface @alwaysxlarrie @tommokat and anyone else who wants to

#tag game #my writing

[yuzukahibiscus]

Flower Troupe Top Star Yuzuka Rei Retirement Press Conference | Takarazuka Revue Homepage

(Source from Takarazuka Revue Official Page)

On August 16 (Wed), Flower Troupe Top Star Yuzuka Rei attended the press conference and announced her retirement for the musical "Arc en Ciel ~The Rainbow over Paris~" (Takarazuka Grand Theatre: February 9 ~ March 24 2024; Tokyo Takarazuka Theatre April 13 ~ May 26, 2024)

Takeyuki Kiba (Chairman of the Takarazuka Revue)

Flower Troupe Top Star Yuzuka Rei will be retiring in May 2024 after the Senshuuraku in the Tokyo Takarazuka Theatre performance. Striving from the difficult and serious times, she led the [Flower] Troupe, fulfilling her important responsibility as a Top Star. She also demonstrated vibrant and delicate expressiveness, delivering spectacular stage performances. Before the retirement day, we hope that Yuzuka could pursue an otokoyaku unique to herself We ask for your understanding, support and guidance.

Yuzuka Rei

I will be graduating from the Takarazuka Revue on May 26, 2024. Now that I am present in this conference, the feeling of retirement feels real to me. Takarazuka is my everything, and as I reflect upon my memories, [Takarazuka] is my youth. It is irreplaceable, lovely, important and also one that would remain always in my heart, and I hope that you could support me before the day when my Takarazuka career ends.

Thinking about retirement

I was raised well in the Revue, and I received love from so many people, that I am filled with memories of Takarazuka, from the fans and from the audience. I am happy now that I decided on graduating.

Reactions when telling your companions about retirement

I told my partner Hoshikaze Madoka during the rehearsals for "A Battlefield for the Two of Us" in late March. Then, [Hoshikaze] said "Please let me [retire] along with you" that we decided to retire together. I told everyone in Flower Troupe the day after the performance on the 12th, a day before the 13th which is the Senshuuraku day of the Takarazuka Grand Theatre performance "Singing Lovebirds" "GRAND MIRAGE!". At that time, from each of their expressions and their gaze, their various views and thoughts reverberated and remained in my heart. I once again was so grateful that I was able to work with these members.

Memorable performances/memories

For each scene of the musicals and shows, I've worked earnestly and continuously in rehearsals that [these roles] are like my duplicates and are all lovely, important productions for me. If I must mention some, it would be "Haikara-san ga Tooru", "Years of Pilgrimage~The Wandering Soul of Ferenc Liszt", "TOP HAT", "Boys Over Flowers". They were many turning points, but "Haikara-san ga Tooru" in 2020 was my Top [Star] debut performance, but also a period of time when the pandemic also brought along great changes, so it was exceptionally memorable to me. Others would include the Taiwan performance that I participated, and "Boys Over Flowers" that I played a lead role, the Flower Troupe 100th Anniversary Revue Performance "The Fascination" were also my turning points.

Memories of Flower Troupe

I've always been in Flower Troupe, so my feelings for Flower Troupe are fonder than anyone, and I feel prouder [to be in Flower Troupe] than the anyone. I hope that the audience, and those who have built Flower Troupe till this time would all feel proud of this troupe called Flower Troupe. It is a great treasure that I could stay in Flower Troupe. So I feel even more determined not to bring disgrace upon [being a Flower Troupe member].

Messages to fans

Whenever the time, I was able to share the time with the audience. The audience would always be supporting me warmly. I truly only have gratitude for that. This is truly pale in comparison when I put it to words. I hope I could repay my gratitude to everyone on the stage little by little, that I will cherish and treasure this time to do my best. Until the last day, I want to continue being the otokoyaku Yuzuka Rei that is convincing and devote my everything to Takarazuka. For the remaining nine months until graduation, I would like to do this rightfully to be a worthy member of the Takarazuka Revue.

#yuzuka rei #retirement #taidan #flower troupe #hanagumi #takarazuka #takarazuka revue #hibiscustranslation #hoshikaze madoka

[grntaire]

gender? i hardly know her!!!

(ranting abt my gender and sexuality. prob more personal than i should put on the internet but i am feeling Raw)

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i literally do not know. who i am lmao. i identified as cis (afab) and bi from the age of like, 13 i think? and that didn't change until i was 22 or so and i was like... she/they?? maybe?? which turned into they/she which turned into they/them which led me to nonbinary and pansexual which is where i've been chilling. but i don't even know if that feels right. like yes i am a girl but no i'm not a woman (i'm 25 so like, that Should Be a descriptor that i feel comfortable with. but it's not?) but im also not a girl either. my gender is more akin to like, the embodiment of chaos, lmao. i am everything and nothing all at the same time.

(i'm gonna use very much binary language here–i've personally only ever been with cis men or cis women, so when i use the binary language i'm specifically referring to it in terms of my experience) my sexuality is even more confusing to me now which is crazy?? my first crush was on a boy, and i had crushes on boys and girls through middle school and high school. i had a crush on my best friend in middle school and she was my first kiss. it felt like magic and i loved every second of kissing her. i ended up breaking up with her after a month or so and i still to this day don't know why. i think i was feeling like, constricted in it. drowning in the attention. also i was 13 and was living on a diet of nothing but nutella and pretzels so who the fuck knows lmao.

but as a teenager it oddly seemed so much more clear to me? my attraction to ppl was different and based off of their gender. like for me, my attraction towards girls was very emotionally based and the more i got to know them the more i wanted to be physical with them, too. with boys it was kind of the opposite, in a way, but not always. i didn't date any girls in high school–i had a big ol crush on one in particular but that was my Oh, She's Straight moment. i dated two boys. the first was a super nice dude who i hope is doing well. i broke up with him after 7 months or so i think? i was straight up convinced i was a lesbian. and then i dated a boy like two months later. i was OBSESSED with this dude. like, hormones gone wild, really just wanted to destroy this mf. he broke up w me after a month out of the blue, and i was devastated for a minute. in college i dated a dude for 2.5 years. he sucks.

my current partner is a man, we've been together for about 2 years. he is the kindest person i know. and yet i still constantly find myself second guessing everything. which, granted, i've always done. when i've been with women i second guess everything too. i think they're intrusive thoughts, and they'll look like "do you even like men/women?" a lot of it, too is that i don't think i've had the feelings of A Crush since i was a teenager, truthfully. i mean w my partner now, i'd get excited when his name would pop up on my phone, but there was no like, pining or whatever. loving him has always been easy and we got together easy.

so where i sit now is that i love my partner. but do i want an open relationship? am i poly? what if i like, actually am a lesbian and it's been comphet this whole time? but i have felt like, absolutely feral abt men before. but then i'll be like, fuck, what if the whole time i've been straight? but is that just from the desire to feel wanted? from the societal pressure to feel wanted by a man? that the act of being wanted by a man is proof that i am attractive enough and worthy? or am i second guessing these things bc my partner isn't what i need in a partner, regardless of gender. do i need someone more extroverted, who matches my energy more? can i bear the weight of being the outgoing one? and how do i cope with the fact that by choosing a partner i'm loosing connections that i could be forging with other people? but even if i'm poly, what does that mean for me? for my partner?

i am Overthinking so much. all of the time. and how much of it is intrusive thought and how much of it is... not, is incredibly hard to discern. i feel deeply tied to my queerness but i don't even know what my queerness is.

ik this is very oversharing but if u read this i appreciate u. u gay people in my phone make me feel less alone sometimes, mwah.

#yes i am emailing therapists #i have friends i can and should talk to about this too but im so nervous to bring it up to them #i dont know why either. its not like theyre judgy they're all cool queer ppl too #but to say it to someone you know and who knows you makes it all so much more real #personal

[freakingoutthesquares]

Discord of the miners' strike influenced a musical journey

By The Newsroom (Yorkshire Post) 25th Mar 2010

AS a 22 year-old graduate fresh out of university, Russell Senior seemed to have the world at his feet. Instead, when he returned home to Sheffield in 1984, he found the city on its knees. "A lot of factories were closing and there was a palpable air of gloom. My dad was a steelworker [and had] been made redundant. I was quite political at the time and I was angry about what was happening," he says.

"The Government had a go at the steelworkers first, then the railway workers and then the miners who were always going to be the toughest nut to crack. So when the miners' strike started, I went to the NUM headquarters and volunteered my services and said, 'What do you want me to do?'"

He was seconded to Nalgo (National Association of Local Government Officers) which ran minibuses through the night taking people to the picket lines and spent the next 12 months as one of the flying pickets. "I was there from the first day to the last when the miners marched back to work with their heads held high," he says.

Senior, who went on to spend 13 years with Sheffield indie band Pulp, is one of the guest speakers tomorrow on the final day of a conference hosted by Leeds University, discussing the consequences of the miners' strike. Several of Pulp's songs are featured in a documentary, The Beat is the Law, which charts the Sheffield music scene during the '80s set against the backdrop of the strike.

For Senior, it was a pivotal time in his life as 1984 was also the year he joined the band. "The two dovetailed, so I was in what was at the time a small band and by night I was out supporting the miners. It was an odd kind of life," he admits. "It was a privilege in a way to be there and at times I felt like Woody Allen's character Zelig, who appears at different historic events, because there were occasions I'd find myself sitting behind Arthur Scargill on a coach heading to a picket line. It felt like an important struggle."

As a frontline picket he witnessed numerous clashes between police and miners, the worst of which was at the infamous Battle of Orgreave. "You could tell something was going to happen. The police formed this shield wall and it was like witnessing a scene from a medieval battle. We'd not seen anything like this in Britain, it was the kind of thing you'd associate with Pinochet's Chile. The way they set about the miners was quite frightening. I was brought up to respect the police, but I changed my mind that day."

When the strike finally ended in 1985, Senior focused on his musical career. "I wanted the band to be world beaters and it was a full-time job, I wasn't just pootling about. The same kind of angst that went in to supporting the miners' strike went into the band."

But although Pulp, and in particular charismatic frontman Jarvis Cocker, went on to enjoy huge success in the '90s, it was a long, hard slog. "It was fairly grim in the early years when we were desperately trying to get off the ground. I've played more concerts to 50 people than I have to 10,000," says Senior, the band's former guitarist and violinist.

"The best bands often have quite a lot of tension and that was the case with us. We didn't really fit in with other bands and it was only when Britpop started that we found some other kindred spirits." But just as the band was at the height of its popularity following the release of Different Class, Senior decided to quit in 1997. "I liked the idea of ending on a high, I didn't want to slowly fade away."

Senior is still on friendly terms with his former bandmates, but these days the 48 year-old, who lives in Sheffield with his partner and two children, prefers a quieter life and is concentrating on writing his first novel.

However, reflecting on the miners' strike he believes that only now – a quarter-of-a-century after it finished – is it being reassessed. "The miners were portrayed as this brutal mob of football hooligans," he says. "Someone said at the time that in 20 years they will tell the truth about this – when it's too late."

The Beat is the Law available to buy here.

#russell senior #printed article #politics #pulp #80s #miners #miners strike #interview #printed interview

[silverghcst]

Dash game: Get to know the mun. ( repost, don't reblog please )

name: Sasha

pronouns: She/her

preference of communication: Discord is nice

single/taken: (´▽｀)

three facts.

I 'm currently working on a criminal justice degree, I'll be graduating in December, which is cool!

I have a cat named Cinnamon, she's a tortoiseshell and very cute! I've had her for 13 years now.

I play a lot of video games, and I've always been very fond of the horror genre (no surprises here I'm sure). Outlast, the evil within, what better way to wind down than being chased.

experience.

I used to write through gmail messenger when I was 12, with a childhood friend for quite a while. We made up ocs, and also added in characters from the cartoons we watched, and the video games we played. It was very simple, we only did one liners along with rapid back and forth, but it was very fun. Eventually I found Tumblr, around 2016 I think? And it took until 2018 to realize I could write on here with other people. I made my first rp blog based on this brooding entity, from a web series, and he's kind of the only one that stuck around. I've recently gotten into the RE fandom, and Leon is quite the change! In a good way! ^^

sub-genres.

I do like the horror and thriller genre, it's fun to explore in my opinion. There's something compelling about having to claw your way out of a nightmare, a fight to stay in control, or to survive. And then, having to recover. I also like dark romance, and drama.

plots vs memes.

It really depends, I like both. Memes are good at testing the waters, or invoking an interesting idea/situation. Plotting is great too though, I love sharing ideas, and hearing them as well. It gives a nice roadmap.

long or short replies.

I tend to write long replies, it's hard to write short sometimes, I always find myself wanting to add more. I will always try to match my partner's length though! Writing short is nice too.

best time to write.

Late at night typically, but also in the afternoon. My sleep schedule is a bit wacked.

tagged by: @captianwesker thank you for tagging me!

tagging: Anyone who wants to! c:

#☆ ノ ( dash games )

[xofantasycloud]

11-23 please :)

Also if you're willing to answer, what's your job like? But no worries if that's too much.

11, Ever drank alcohol?

Yes I have😉 Although what I haven't done is try a negroni sbagliato with prosecco, has anyone tried it?😂 Like I feel like I should try it since there's such a hype surrounding it now, but idk😂 12, Every smoked anything?

Nope! Seen too many patients suffer because of it, plus I can't stand the smell of the smoke🥴 13, Do you prefer to eat-in or take-out?

Oh, hard one. I'll say eat-in, I do love to cook, the only problem is that I hate doing the dishes😂 14, If you could time travel what decade would you go to first?

I think the 1920's!😊 15, An actor everyone loves that you don't like for whatever reason

Can't think of any really actors in the moment, but I'll twist it around and say that I don't really like Captain America in the Marvel movies lol, him a lot of people seem to like a lot😂 16, Something not in your regional dialect that is in your vocabulary

Well there is a few things I say in Swedish that we don't really say in Stockholm where I live due to my best friend being from the north, but I don't think y'all will understand them if I list them, so I'll just go ahead and say; yes😂 17, Color of your eyes?

Blue! 18, Do you need glasses?

Yep, which is why I have glasses🤓 19, Speak any other languages?

I speak Swedish and English and a tiny bit French, I can understand Norwegian and if I focus hard enough I can sort of understand Danish (iykyk)😂 20, Have any tattoos?

Yep, I've got two! 21, Want any tattoos?

Always! I'm thinking of at least two or three that I want to get! 22, Have any piercings?

My ears are pierced, but I haven't used them in years🙃 23, Want any piercings?

When I was younger I wanted my nose pierced, but I don't currently feel the need for more piercings🙂

And sure, I can absolutely talk a bit about my job! Sorry in advance for the novel😝

So right now I'm studying to become a nurse and when I'm not studying or at one of my internships I work part time as a midwife's assistant! My tasks vary, but I usually support the labouring women, I help them with their contractions (putting pressure on knees/hips/back, reminding them to relax and to breathe, holding their hand, talking them through it) and help them use the laughing gas correctly, then I assist the doctors with things such as the epidurals, ultrasounds and other procedures, I help the women (and their partner's) with their babies once they're out and I of course assist the midwives (hence the name lol) with whatever they may need during this whole thing lol.

We're often times an extension of them, because sometimes they need to stay where they are (close to the woman, in another room or with the baby) so then I'm running around gathering stuff that they need! But I help them with stuff like the CTG, with examinations, with helping the women move around, with keeping track of times (like when they've given the women medications, when the women have changed positions, when they've gone to the bathroom), and I of course have to be there during the pushing stage, when the baby comes and after the baby's come. So during the pushing stage it's the midwife that runs the show, but sometimes it takes multiple people saying the same stuff for the women to actually hear us and do as we say. Sometimes I'm tasked with holding onto a leg or support a hip, and then when the baby comes I'm the one who has to remember when the head comes, when the time of birth is, the amount of blood the women's loosing and what time the midwife gives the different medications. Then afterwards I assist the midwife with the suturing if there's been any tearing, and sometimes the doctor if the tearing's bad!

After the baby's out and we've taken their measurements, I usually tend to the women, I take their blood pressure, help them to the bathroom, maybe help them clean up a bit if they wishes. Then I sometimes show them good positions to put the baby in to breast feed and how to best hold them if the midwife haven't already, and then they're often times off to stay at another floor!

Sorry if this felt a bit jumbled, but I just jotted down some of my tasks, I didn't really mention the cleaning of rooms or getting the patients food, but that's ofc something I also do lol. Hope this is sorta what you were hoping for!😊

PS, did not include my participation when complications arise, but that may include taking blood samples, checking temperatures, running to get blood, tending to the women if the baby needs urgent care, cutting the cord, stuff like that🙂

#thank you for the asks!❤️

[inamanicpixiedream]

2022

I've answered these questions on various platforms for over ten years now, I think? That's wild. There's better questions out there but tradition is tradition.

1. What did you do this year that you’d never done before?

Lived alone.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions?

I don't tend to make them. My goals evolved over the year. I did aim to spend more time doing creative stuff and while I still didn't meet my expectations, I did did more than I had previously and just feel like I'm moving more to where I want to be.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My aunty gave birth to my cousin, which will probably be the last of our generation of grandchildren. We share the same middle name - my grandma's name - which feels really special.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Not a person, but my darling dog Juno had to be put down a few months ago. She was almost thirteen years old, and it was time, but that was just awful.

5. What cities/states/countries did you visit?

This year I found myself in a long distance relationship, so I went to Brisbane quite a lot. Got back today from my fifth trip today.

Also went to Melbourne for the weekend with a friend which was lovely.

6. What would you like to have next year that you lacked this year?

More stability in health and finances. Otherwise, time with my partner.

7. What date(s) from this year will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Hoo boy, some pretty big ones. The end of April had a lot of significant dates, culminating on May 4, where I asked to separate from my husband.

And also began a new relationship.

April was a time, y'all.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Professionally, I was on top of things this year. After a couple of years where I felt overwhelmed and underappreciated, and like I wasn't doing anything right. Taking a step back from leadership and just focusing on what I was doing in the classroom was huge.

Personally? Realising I had more agency in my life than I realised.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not having that realisation earlier, I guess.

And while I do not really regret anything, there are things about my separation I could have handled better.

10. What other hardships did you face?

I mean....kind hard to trump my marriage ending. That really was the biggest thing that happened to me, though that phrase implies I had no agency in it, when in reality it was the most empowering thing I've ever done.

Grappling with the decision, putting it into action, and then dealing with the fallout is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

But also one of the best.

11. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I strained my ACL and the meniscus tendon in my right knee on my first flight to Brisbane, giving up my seat so two friends could sit together. I am lucky it wasn't worse; thankfully no surgery, just rehab and a splint, and a weak knee for god knows how long.

12. What was the best thing you bought?

All those plane tickets are up there.

But Leia, my puppy, has got to top this list. I bought her a few months after Juno died, when it was clear Percy needed a companion. It was also a decision I got to make on my own, when I was new to making those, and she has been the perfect little addition to our family. She has helped so much with my healing and the rebuild of my life.

13. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

The support and love my family, friends, and even colleagues showed me this year was unexpected and unparalleled. Where I expected judgement, I got compassion. My workplace accepted my name change without question and told me I could take as much leave as I needed. I was overwhelmed by how much understanding I was shown.

14. Whose behaviour made you appalled?

While he was acting, understandably, out of hurt, shock, and wounded pride, my ex-husband did not take our break up well, and as a result, said and did things that were beyond what I would have thought he would have. Appalled is the right description for my response. Only good thing that came out of this was it just confirmed my decision.

Also, fuck Elon Musk and Andrew Tate and Jordan Peterson.

15. Where did most of your money go?

Plane tickets.

But also I had to refurnish my entire house. I did say my ex could take anything he wanted, with the exception of my bookshelves and personal belongings, and he took absolutely everything. My entire savings went to new things, and while that sucked, everything I have in my own now is mine, and bought with my money, and by my choice. I have loved making my house my own.

16. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Every time I went to Brisbane. Adopting Leia. The release of Midnights. Finally seeing Hamilton. Feeling free.

17. What song will always remind you of this year?

Call It What You Want To by Taylor Swift.

The entire Midnights album.

A bunch of other love songs.

18. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder? Oh, so much happier. Happier than I ever thought I could possibly be. ii. Thinner or fatter? I no longer pay attention to this. Probably fatter, and that's fine. I struggle a lot with my knowledge that this doesn't matter and the world's expectations on me and my body, but all I want to do is focus on my health and my strength, and fuck what I look like. iii. Richer or poorer? Technically poorer, but I have complete control over my own finances now, so while I'm broke af right now, it's in my hands, and I can afford to rent a house on my own, and buy food, and go out, and do things for myself occasionally. I am grateful finances were not a factor in preventing me from leaving my husband. I have less money, but I feel richer.

19. What do you wish you’d done more of? Reading and writing. Going to the cinema.

20. What do you wish you’d done less of? Sleeping. Worrying.

21. How did you spend Christmas? My family did our celebration on the 18th. We had a potluck lunch at my aunty's house, and it was the first time I'd seen my new baby cousin, and I was a bit worried about it being there for the first time without my husband but it turned out to be lovely.

I then drove over 2000km to Brisbane with the dogs, and spend Christmas with my boyfriend and his family. I was nervous about it, as I hadn't met all of them before, and I knew a bit about their dynamic, but it was wonderful, and I was the first girlfriend he'd ever brought to Christmas, and he was super nervous too, but it went super well and he was so happy and relieved, and that made me happy.

The best part though was honestly Christmas Eve. We made spaghetti together, and I've never had someone help me in the kitchen like that before. We played The Whitlams, and then ate dinner with a bottle of rosé I brought, a gift from a student. We ended up doing karaoke, just the two of us warbling away to Jolene, Dancing in the Dark and You Gotta Be. He then asked if we could exchange gifts then because he couldn't wait, so that's what we did. It was lovely because of what it was, but also because it felt like the start of new traditions, and I haven't felt that way in a long time.

22. Did you fall in love this year? 

This really is the story of 2022 for me.

I'm not going to tell all of it, partly because it doesn't entirely belong to me, and partly because there's a lot of it I want to keep to myself.

On top of that, some of it I have already shared here. I was married for thirteen years to the man I had dated since I was 13. He was not a bad or abusive man, but there were several aspects of our relationship that often left me feeling unhappy, unseen, and unloved. But I did not know I could do anything about this. Requests for change, therapy, and even listening, went unheeded. I did not know I had the right to ask for anything else.

And then I fell in love with someone else. I was not looking for it. I did not expect it. I did not ask for it. It took me by surprise and when I saw it for what it was, it only shined a brighter light on the emptiness I felt with my husband. I confided my feelings, and the object of my affection told me simply to work things out with my husband, and he would always be my friend, and he wanted me to be happy. Nothing else happened.

But when I spoke to my husband about the problems that I saw in our marriage, and confessed that I had developed feelings for someone else, I was not faced with anyone who was open to working things out. I was told the problems in our relationship were not ours, but mine. I was told my expectations were unrealistic. I was told I was addicted to attention. I was told that the ball was in my court.

So, I left. I didn't leave for someone else; I left for me. I didn't know anyone else would be waiting for me. What I did know was that I'd a glimpse of another future for myself, and just the knowledge that it was possible was enough to know I had to leave.

But after I asked for the separation, the man I loved was waiting for me. He told me I didn't have to stay, that I was free now and could do anything I wanted. He had no expectations of me, and all he wanted was for me to be happy.

I did not know it was possible to be in love the way we are. I sold myself short for years. It feels like a waste of time, but god, I cannot believe how lucky I am to have it now.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? I don’t think so.

24. What was your favorite show? Frontline. The Hollowmen. Always Sunny. Derry Girls. Abbott Elementary. Curb Your Enthusiasm.

25. What was the best book you read? Tell Me Again by Amy Thunig. How We Love by Clementine Ford. Surely You're Joking Mr Feynman by Richard P. Feynman. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery of the year? My boyfriend is a DJ who's passion is electronic music, so I've been introduced to a lot of that this year.

27. What was your favorite film? 

Films that came out this year - Elvis. Top Gun: Maverick. I also barely saw anything new so I know there'd be more.

 Films I watched for the first time - The Man from Earth. Anna and the Apocolypse. Being John Malkovich.

28. What was your favorite meal?

I made a lot of burgers for myself which is easy and good and comforting.

One night we went out to a Korean BBQ and I honestly think that's one of the best meals I've ever had.

29. What did you want and get?

To stay in my home and keep my dogs.

30. What did you want and not get?

I don't know how to answer this, for some reason.

31. What did you do on your birthday and how old did you turn?

I turned 34. I went to work, and then streamed on Twitch in the evening.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

To be able to get divorced. I hate that I haven't been able to fully close that chapter, and I hate the policy that says I have to wait 12 months before I know my mind and what I want.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept of the year?

Comfortable. Embracing my body. Showing my tattoos. As sustainable as possible.

34. What kept you sane?

My dogs. My friends. Podcasts, particularly Maintence Phase and MBMBaM. My boyfriend. My students.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you admire the most?

Michael Hobbes, who may just be on this list forever and ever. Clementine Ford, whose work inspired me to change my life.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? The overturn of Roe v Wade - don't know if I've ever been so angry to get the news. Misogynist, right-wing men having huge platforms.

37. Who did you miss? Long distance relatonships are terrible, and I miss my boyfriend every day I am without him.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

A bunch of new people on Twitch, a community that is still new to me but been so wonderful.

39. What valuable life lesson did you learn this year?

You deserve more.

40. What is a quote that sums up your year?

Sometimes love means having the courage to end what is no longer working. Love for other people. Love for ourselves.

From 'Leave Your Husband', in How We Love by Clementine Ford

You know there's many different ways that you can kill the one you love The slowest way is never loving them enough Do you really want to know where I was April 29th? Do I really have to tell you how he brought me back to life?

From 'High Infidelity,' on Midnights, by Taylor Swift

#year in review

[nasturtiumsforbreakfast]

What an odd dream that was

Partly because I need to change to summer bedding over winter I think, too hot, and I fell asleep watching Taskmaster, and I always get weird dreams this time of the month tbh

Anyway

In which I was on a idk like a university trip to,, a city, idk where, except that we were walking back, somewhere, and also one of the "students" was a robot who had killed her awful 'dad'? Who was tagging along for nothing better to do? And so the police didn't find her for burning down the guy's house aaand stuff, tho tbh I don't think anyone really knew she existed so she was probably fine, but she was having fun so

Anyway we all got back eventually, figuring out what bloody train station we were at and needed to get to. And someone said, oh I don't want to go home, how about we just go straight back out and get a flight to another place? And I thought yeah, that sounds good, let's do that

He looked rather a lot, somehow, like someone I knew from school - I never fancied him at school, I was stuck a bit on one of the awful popular kids who was in a talent show band - tho if I remember rightly the non-dream version of this guy was also in that week-long talent show band on keys (the other guy was lead singer, and had pointy cheekbones and 15-yo me got all starry-eyed about how 15-yo him played guitar). It was 13 years ago, idk. Anyway, doesn't matter.

And I thought, oh this'll be cool, we'll go to Australia now?? A bunch of us? And then it turned out only him and me took it seriously? And I thought, oh I don't want to go if it's just me and him, really, so I'll send him a message, say I can't get a ticket short-notice or whathaveyou, and I'll drop my wellies with the neighbours so I have to go back for them - idfk it's a dream. So I did that, and then he was like oh no well I don't want to go if you're not! And we like. Nearly kissed?? Idk.

And so then we both went together to the neighbours to get my wellies - and the neighbours were Greg Davies and his wife and their partner (he wasn't Alex Horne, lmao, tho tbh I can't quite picture him)? And they three invited us to stay for dinner, so we did, and Greg Davies told an amusing anecdote about how they're so loud during sex (he's in the middle, if you're interested - to quote dream-him, he's "a big man and needs the attention") that the neighbour on the far side complained to them about it, and I was like oh huh well I know I'm on the opposite side but I haven't heard anything loud enough to warrant complaints, you're safe from me lmao - and then so they asked me what I'd been up to and I was like oh y'know nothing new fucking people on the internet - blank stares - sexting y'know - ah yes okay - then to the bloke you don't mind if I carry on, right? And he's like oh! No (awkwardness) you can do what you want, I don't mind

And then we went to this bar? Him and me and my bag-with-wellies-in for no reason I can fathom, and the guy on the door was giving out different stamps, people was getting different symbols, rainbows and smiley faces, and this bloke got a "they/them" stamp in big letters and was like "huh. alright.", and the guy just said to me "nah you're alright, go on" and let me in without a stamp - and we met the blokes friends, who turned out to be two lesbian couples who were each like "why are you interrupting our date night" and I'm like "I have no idea why I'm here all of this is so weird" (I think I was only now realising it was a dream)

And the bloke was like, well we can go back to yours and watch doctor who instead if you want? And I was like yeah sure let's go ""watch doctor who"" sure

And then I woke up - and now I have to get up and have a shower and do my gel not on my arms cs it's blood tests day

Oh I've remembered the real guy's name now, let's go and find out how similar he is now to dream-him lmao I wonder if he's still got long hair

#i have weird fuckin dreams

[underthevveather]

Coming Out: My Story + Advice

*CW: Mentions of internalized transphobia, transphobic interactions, dysphoria, etc.*

*Please DNI if you're anti-LGBT, a terf, or a general asshole. This blog isn't for you.*

Hello, friends. So I know I don't have the biggest blog out there, but it's continuously growing and I figured I should make a post about this. I don't usually talk about myself or my identity too much on here, even though it's literally an LGBT-related account. So I'm very nervous to post this, but here we go:

I'm coming out to all of you as a trans man.

This is most likely not shocking (because this is Tumblr and everyone is trans or queer in some way), but I wanted to clarify because I'm so tired of hiding who I am. I've had so many people doubt me, be hateful, be disrespectful, be judgemental, and be utterly horrible to me for being trans. But honestly, I'm slowly coming to a point where I want to be authentic with people.

So, when I was 13, my therapist was the first person that I came out to. I told her, without being able to look at her in the eyes, that I thought I might be transgender. I remember she smiled, asked me a little bit about it, and was generally so supportive and handled it amazingly.

On my 14th birthday, I came out to my mom as trans. She was also very supportive, though more surprised and a little confused than anything else. Slowly, over the next year, I began coming out to all of my friends and family.

I had negative experiences along the way. One of my closest family members called me selfish for wanting to change my name and pronouns because it would be "too difficult" for everyone else. I was told that I was "being childish" for asking for support and love from certain family members. I even experienced a lot of hate from my partner's parents at the time (my partner being cis with transphobic parents).

Regardless, I had a supportive single mother that believed in me and supported me and let me start testosterone when I was 15 (yes, I was young and no, I don't regret any of it). Despite T being a very powerful hormone for most AFAB people that go on it, it took a very long time for it to fully kick in.

I had a lot of difficulties with T. My voice, for example, never fully dropped and it's something I've always been dysphoric about. I even remember being told by random people that I "sound like a girl" or that they "can tell" that I'm trans because of my voice.

About 2 years on T, with very little changes, I decided to get top surgery and my mom allowed it because she could tell how much this meant to me. She saw all the struggles that I was going through and she could tell how much my chest bothered me, considering I would wear binders an unhealthy amount of the time.

So I got top surgery and I'm currently 4 years post-OP. Though I received top surgery at a fairly young age, there is not a single part of me that regrets it and not a day goes by where I'm ungrateful for it.

Although my transition has been a struggle (due to external forces and a lot of internalized transphobia), I'm still slowly learning how to appreciate who I am. I've been out for 7 years now, transitioning for almost 6 years, and although I still get misgendered occasionally, it's nowhere near as bad as it used to be and that's something I'm very thankful for.

Now that I've shared all of this, I'd like to be a tiny voice amongst the many different trans people that've given advice on this (or any other) platform before.

To Any Closeted Trans or Gender-Questioning People Out There:

Please be kind to yourself. Please take care of yourself. Please be patient and take your time figuring out who you are. Please only come out when you are safe to do so.

Remember that it gets easier, even when it's just a little bit at a time. Every day gets a little easier. Remember your strengths. Remember that you are who you are, and that is enough. The right people will know it, too.

And never let anyone tell you who you are. Only you can determine that.

If you've read this far, I would like to say thank you and that I hope you have a wonderful day. Remember to be kind to yourself and others :)

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