#but it feels fucking impossible bc of money and all this other shit that’s happening in the world

[irulancorrino]

.

#sometimes I think to myself. what a heartless bitch I am. #my ex basically admitted that he's v depressed about our breakup and me? I feel fine #but then I remember how many times I have bitched and moaned about one thing or other related to the breakup or ex himself #on tumblr dot com of all places #and then I think you know what maybe I'm not all that fine actually dsjkfdslkfl #almost 4 years!!!!! 4 years down the drain #I know that's not how it works but that's how it feels #all the plans all the shit I got from my parents all the enduring and the suffering #for nothing?? #and like not to actually sound like a heartless bitch #but I kinda wish I could back to 4 years ago and tell myself to stand my ground and NOT get in a relationship with him #and I knew I KNEW from the get go that the relationship was not viable #I found diary entries from years ago bemoaning the exact same things over and over again #I was wrecking my brain how to move to fucking canada when I had zero resources to do so!! #I was somehow supposed to make the impossible happen all by my lonesome!! #I was begging BEGGING him to take on SOMETHING #take *something* off my shoulders #but nooo I was supposed to somehow get money for a college in canada bc my bachelors wouldn't work there apparently #get into said college and then work for a year to get a card or whatever #and he wanted to do 50/50 on the rent and expenses!!!!!!!! #like bitch this is all for YOU #I wouldn't move across the ocean for shits and giggles we're talking about leaving everything behind for YOU #and he was like 'well your parents should be helping you' BITCH???? #my parents were so SO pissed about the whole situation #not only were they not helping at all whatsoever they were actively hindering my progress!!!!!!! my mom literally admitted to it #in the middle of a heated fight it just slipped out and I REMEMBER it even though she denies ever saying it now #YOUR parents put you through college. I got in on a scholarship. my parents literally told me they wouldn't be able to afford to pay #YOU are still living with your parents in a three storey house that they own standing to inherit all ur dad's businesses #I was living in a two bedroom apartment with my parents and a sibling standing to inherit shit we are NOT the same #nnnnggghhhhhhh this is so much I cannot even

[kicksnscribs]

Hooray I’ve got the depression again whoo…*waves tiny flag of absolute bullshit*

Haven’t felt normal for a while now, tests are coming back promising but I’m still nervous about something being seriously wrong with me (why else would it all happen so suddenly?) idk I’m starting to just get tired of worrying but I’m still so on edge.

Tried working on some art and got frustrated as fuck bc I just can’t seem to get my faces consistent which is really pissing me off bc I want to start moving on with this but everything is just fucking fighting me every step of the goddamn way like it always does.

Life is boring and I can’t find motivation to enjoy my days off anymore (not like it has ever since my pops died anyway). I’m just tired of not being able to find meaning in anything anymore. I don’t want to die but goddamn I don’t want to live like this anymore.

#personal health #text post #ranting and raving #I’d be ok if I can just make SOME improvements #but it feels fucking impossible bc of money and all this other shit that’s happening in the world #can’t get no pets don’t have anything else to my name outside of one single room in this house #fucking SUCKS man #nothing is hiring at the rate I need to survive #kind of wish they’d just stop teasing us and just pull the fucking trigger already #OH AND THERES A SECOND FUCKJNG PANDEMIC CANF FORGET ABOUT THAT SHIT

[vaguely-yandere]

okay so fat/chubby darling and playboy yan get together, people think that just bc darling is fat/chubby that they could steal playboy yan from them. like since a lot of ppl has fucked them/ want to fuck them or caught feelings, darling would get some nasty ass stares. (so stupid how this happens irl like arent fat ppl lovable lmao?)

instead of shying away darling would either glare at them ir cling to yan more imo

YEEESSSSSSS people who find it IMPOSSIBLE to believe that fat ppl exist and are loveable !!!!!! ppl who say shit like "well, if YOU can bag THAT, then there's hope for me after all!!" and the second darling complains about it or anything or god forbid playboy overhears, playboy is smashing an unopened champagne bottle over SOMEONES head and they don't care whos!!!!

and playboy yan who worships fat darling, covering them in jewelry and fine clothes, constantly posting them on social media, showing them off everywhere, loving their curves, their roles, their chubby cheeks, their double chin, the fat hanging from their arms, their cellulite, all of it drives playboy yan insane <3 and god, if your weight fluctuates a lot, playboy is just gonna like you even more because they means they have an excuse to update your wardrobe everytime you gain or lose weight!

and playboy yans favorite thing is showing you off at parties, eyes practically forming hearts when you wear the outfit and jewelry they bought you and eat the lil finger foods with your manicured hands and if anyone makes any negative or passive aggressive comment, playboy will throw a fit. yelling, throwing things, etc etc, blah blah, playboy is a bit of a brat!

speaking of, i love imagining darling in a silk dress with a big fluffy boa with playboy kneeling by their side, head resting on their hip, a beautiful and expensive collar around their throat with a leash resting right in darlings hand <3 so cute! darling, despite playboys whining, probably wouldn't do this at a party out of embarrassment but the collar would probably stay, maybe just as a more subtle piece of jewelry and if darlings dominance is threatened? if their relationship with playboy is questioned? darling will just call for their lil piggie bank to come over and with a bat of their eyelashes and a tiny pout, playboy hands over their wallet and tells them to get whatever they want <3

i can also see playboy calling places ahead of time and demanding good chairs. none of those tiny little ones (and god fucking forbid the creaky fragile ones (⁠;⁠ŏ⁠﹏⁠ŏ⁠) ) and dw, you won't have a "special" chair that draws attention to you, everyone will get a nice comfortable chair that doesn't creak, doesn't dig into your hips or sides and is just nice <3

and i just KNOW playboy would have a thing for hand feeding you. even if you don't eat much, it's so so hard to say no to that face when they hold up a macaroon to your lips and look like they just need you to eat it and gently kiss their thumb afterwards <3 and they'll INSIST on you sitting either on their jacket or in their lap wherever you go, refusing to let your beautiful butt (even if you don't have one) touch a surface anyone else has touched and if you sit in their lap, theyll spend the entire time hugging you, holding you close, gently kissing your neck and shoulders and god, it's so hard not to feel gorgeous and wanted when they act like that <333

and a fat darling who is so confident in their relationship and who they are and in their body that they don't feel bad when ppl stare or make comments, they just turn to their yandere, give them a kiss mid convo with some other uber rich and important person and grins when playboy loses their train of thought mid sentence and just sighs with pleasure as they look at darling, handing over their credit card with a "i don't care how much money you spend as long as you keep kissing me like that" and it wasn't anything special, just a peck and just <3333 it's so nice feeling loved so much

#asks #yandere #yandere scenarios #yandere imagines #yandere x you #yandere x y/n #chubby darling #playboy yandere

[pwurrz]

IDK WHAT YOURE TALKING ABOUT¹ BUT I HOPE YOU HAVE SO MUCH FUN & SURVIVE <3

¹this is an invitation to tell me abt it LOL

HIIII OH MY GOD OK UMMMM

eoos is like. my favourite fic of all time EVER. it’s got over 300k words and 28 chapters so explaining what’s going on is like. impossible (believe me, i tried summarizing it chapter by chapter bc i wanted shay to read it so badly but they don’t read long fics and i just. gave up after chapter 2 lmao) BUT BASICALLY it’s a genshin impact fic where ajax gets transported into the genshin world and is like assigned to be character tartaglia. tartaglia is a villain in the second chapter of genshin but things go a little differently in the fic version. aka he dies in this version. anyways!!

so basically ajax looks at the fate he’s been given and decides “uhh no thanks fuck that i’m gonna romance zhongli instead” because he spent all his time and money in the real world being a massive zhongli simp and honestly i cannot blame him.

since ajax is now a character in a video game he gets assigned like. a helper?? that basically acts as a system that keeps record of all of his achievements, relationships with other people, goals and main missions (very important!! if he does not complete them on time he will DIE for real) inventory and other stuff like that. he nicknames his system AR (but we LATER find out that AR is actually the spirit of the original tartaglia (who was killed when ajax entered the world and took over his body) but he didn’t know that for the longest time so basically he’s just babysitting this gay trainwreck (ajax) that now pilots his body. their dynamic is fun i love it)

ANYWAYS. anyways for the longest time this fic was about ajax fucking around and being a massive dork who’s hopelessly in love with zhongli, and how their relationship evolves over time. since ajax arrived like 2 and half years before the main missions were to take place he had lots of time to spend taking zhongli on dates and sightseeing with him and making meals for him and serenading him every night before bed, they’re so adorable. and zhongli is very much in love with him too!! this fic is great because the chapters alternate between being written from ajax’s perspective and other character’s perspectives (like zhongli) so we get to see how they feel about each other and. ugh it’s so cute. it’s so cute how zhongli basically immediately took a liking to ajax and was like ‘this one. this one is special to me. he is my little priest and i shall cherish him’ (because he’s a dragon and also a god and childe is like. his biggest fan basically. so he’s zhongli’s priest. it’s cute).

they go on lots of cute dates and they flirt with each other all the time and ajax is such a gay loser he doesn’t even realize he’s in love with zhongli and zhongli is head over heels for him until like. he basically proposed to zhongli. meanwhile zhongli is over here being like ‘ah yes. childe. my boyfriend of over a year. the one i share my home with and spend 90% of my time with. the most important person in my life. and soon to be my husband <3’. they are engaged like ajax definitely proposed to him and he didn’t even realize but they’re totally engaged

AND THATS LIKE THE FIRST 75% OF THE FIC UNTIL EVERYTHING GOES DOWNHILL BECAUSE REMEMBER THE MAIN MISSIONS AND SHIT?? AND HOW TARTAGLIA WAS ORIGINALLY A VILLAIN IN THE GAME?? yeah well SOME PEOPLE still want him to experience the same fate he did in the original game and they’re doing everything in their power to make sure that happens to him. so just when you think ajax and zhongli can finally retire and live happily ever after BAM childe’s under arrest for terrorism and attempted murder and BAM suddenly there’s courtroom drama and OH SHIT zhongli’s gonna reveal he’s a god to everyone to defend ajax’s honour but he CAN’T do that because that goes against one of ajax’s main missions so if zhongli reveals that ajax will DIE and there’s a counter counting down to his death basically so he has to do something to stop it and he’s already dealing with intrusive thoughts from genshin’s version of hell and the only thing he can think of is to STAB ZHONGLI TO MAKE HIM STOP. and it works of course but the ajax gets knocked out and he’s all alone again because AR got suspended during all of this and all of his friends know that he almost destroyed liyue harbour (because he had to. it was part of his main mission) and he doesn’t know if zhongli’s gonna be ok and HU TAO (OH MY GOD I DIDNT EVEN MENTION HU TAO. BEST AUNTIE AND ALSO THE ONLY OTHER PERSON WHO GOT ISEKAI’D INTO GENSHIN LIKE AJAX DID. SHES REALLY IMPORTANT HOW DID I NOT MENTION HER) comes along and is like “ok boyo it’s time to fake your death!!” so NOW zhongli and everyone else thinks childe is dead. and that’s where we left off.

so the next chapter is gonna retell those events from zhongli’s point of view and i am not ready to read about how ridiculously in love he is with ajax at the beginning only to be stabbed by him and have no idea what’s going on and then think he’s dead. my heart burst into a million pieces just reading the last chapter and thinking about how he was going to react and now i get to read it and-

anyways this is an EXTREMELY loose summary of what happens and is basically just the ramblings of an insane person but yeah. i’ve been following this fic for like 2 years?? so i’m along for the ride of emotions whether or not i want to be LMAOOO

#inbox 💌 #♡: video killed the radio star! #entirely out of spite #entirely out of spite spoilers #ITS OUT NOW I GOTTA GO #long post

[izzy-b-hands]

Rambling abt the half dream half nightmare that woke me up today below the cut. feel free to ignore, just need to vent it out somewhere. Probably going to include me talking abt Current Family Issues and Feelings so. yeah. TW for mentions of someone in hospital, death, religion, and overall family dysfunction lmao

I know that ultimately, right now, if something big and/or terrible happened medically to anyone in my family back in ND, I wouldn't be able to go see them. The money just isn't there (part of why I'm not going out there this summer nor are they coming out here at all.) I've accepted it, and I try not to think abt it.

That said, LOVE (read: HATE) my brain deciding a hyper realistic yet weird dream abt my mum winding up in hospital is the way to go this morning. Complete with:

-her bf refusing to speak to me abt it, and telling me not to bother going to visit her in the weird, somehow existing in both CT and ND simultaneously, hospital with a 'haven't you already been enough of a burden to her?'

-me staying in my grandparent's old house in ND, and for some reason that meant being wildly unable to get ready to go to the hospital. Finding my clothes was nearly impossible, but. all their old decorations were back up on the wall so even as I was searching for them I like. Didn't want to leave? As if the house would revert back to being sold like it has been irl, if i left it. Finally I wound up just stealing clothes from my grandfather's side of their closet (specifically his old 80s styled 'eagle on a tree branch' print sweater that he got forced to toss a few years ago bc it was becoming more holes than sweater, and one of his old, big leather jackets. somehow i found jeans that fit me, idk how considering i can't seem to do that irl rn but i digress)

-me showing up to the hospital FINALLY only for Noel Fielding?? to be sitting outside it with a friend dressed in what i can only describe as absolutely gorgeous future techno witch clothing. Unfortunately they were fucking dicks in this dream and scared the shit out of me by joking that 'it was so nice I'd shown up still despite the worst' and implying my mum had already passed. Noel did shout apologies as i stomped off inside and that as far as he knew she was still okay, but his friend is the one who handed me a wrapped in plastic, small, metal stool with a weird cartoon face on the seat so i could 'sit with her body, like sitting shiva, right?' (not like that at all to my knowledge, but then again my family has rarely to never fully followed any of the various religious rituals around death, we just. take the bits the dead person liked from them and ignore the rest, for better or for worse. Maybe that's just what happens when a family is a mishmash of various christian sorts from Catholic to Protestant with the hidden knowledge that actually, prior to ppl moving to the States, ppl in the family were Jewish but inter-marrying into Catholic families for safety-sake, and so any Jewish traditions used now are done wrongly and weirdly and in odd bits and pieces. At least that's as much as I've been told/have found out abt it, anyway)

-I proceed into this stupidly fancy and open concept hospital, to immediately find a hugr crowd mucking up the elevators (crowding the elevator bank and refusing to let others on.) That's where Con showed up, and helped me make it up the ridiculously wide, roundish staircases (think like. wide rounded stage steps, but for each level of this hospital), while also trying soothe me by telling me Housemate was already here and waiting for me, so were my grandparents and even Mum's bf (he promised to keep him away from me lol, it was v sweet in an otherwise filled with anxiety dream.)

-however, as we were struggling up the steps (also full of crowds, pushing each other around, so we literally had to hold hands and hold onto the railings and walls to avoid being shoved down the stairs), he kept hesitating on saying more abt mum. He tried to distract me by mentioning that, since I was here, the docs might want me to address some of my own health issues but that he wouldn't let them force me into any treatment i didn't want. Then he finally alluded to mum being in worse straits than I'd been told abt and said something to the effect of 'doing only what you can, not what she or others would expect of you' and 'not to set yourself on fire to keep someone else alive' plus admitting he was deeply worried my family was abt to force me into a big decision that absolutely wasn't the ONLY treatment option that would help mum, but it was implied to be the one mum's bf and my grandparents were pushing for.

-still dunno exactly what that option was, but just before i woke up i started hearing the latter part of the song Gethsemane from JCS (Housemate and I have been watching various versions irl this weekend lol), specifically the bit where Jesus dares/begs/etc God to see how he dies. This was accompanied by me finally reaching my mum's hospital room, and a stupid bright light emanating from it and like. Not to critique my own brain and the dream it created, but that was far too on the nose for me personally lmao.

-and I woke up thinking abt the call with my grandparents that I had on Thursday (didn't go super poorly but went. kind of weird and uncomfortable and confirmed again that like. they're happy for me being out here in CT, yet at the same time hold it and my happiness against me to some unconscious degree as originally outright confirmed by Mum in an earlier call her and I had like. Tail end of last year lmao. the main crux seeming to be 'why couldn't i find happiness in ND/what's wrong with all of them/why wasn't i willing to keep trying to make my life work in ND regardless of my happiness/don't i know how hard it is without my being there to help everyone whenever they ask/etc family bullshit')

And now I'm laying here thinking. If the Worst would happen for any of them, they would fully expect me to empty my bank accounts and do whatever else i had to, to get to ND not just to see them, but to help. to take care of as much as possible for them (mum and grandma get decision paralysed by sad/scary life events, my aunt is so uncomfortable with sickness and death she won't do hospital visits or funerals at all anymore for anyone, my cousins...are young enough they won't know how to handle it/won't want to, my grandpa tends to just shut down and isolate when things go to shit, and that's not to say that they all don't still get done things that need doing in these situations, but that they DO all usually need prodding and help and have leaned on me for that since i was a kid.)

And i would of course want to see them/help however i could, but. not to that extent. not to the point that I'd have nothing for myself, no money or help (bc they're not in a position to return that help or money to me, and they'd be so emotional as to likely be extremely offended and upset if i mentioned needing help myself.)

That said, I'm sick of silently daring them to watch me die just for their sakes, even tho i do still love them all dearly. and of course, that's entirely too dramatic but at the same time, Mum and I have had convos abt 'what if there's a shooting somewhere that we're at, how do we handle it, how are we attempting to protect each other' and Mum always says she would take a bullet for me, but she didn't protest when i say that I'd take one for her or anyone else in the family first. Last time she just nodded like. yeah. of course you would. so. Feelings, abt all of this.

If u actually read this full thing that was A. very sweet of u and i appreciate that u care abt my silly lil fucked up brain enough to do that (genuinely, I'm v grateful) and b. here is a pic of Nisha as what little compensation i can give for u reading this long ass ramble lol

#text post #long post #i should get up for the day bc this dream may have fucking sucked #but there are spring birdies peeping outside and Housemate and i have planned a day of just chilling together #also gonna put together the chocolate ikea easter bunny we got at some point #neither of us celebrate religiously anymore lmao but it's an excuse for egg and bunny shaped chocolates #anyway i can never tell my family any of my feelings abt this stuff or it'll be seen as an utter betrayal of them #and as a sign to them that i dont care abt or love them #but i do. i just want to have my own life and happiness just like they have theirs. and live for myself as much as i do others

[polyamorouspunk]

I'm a little late for the sleepover asks but FUCK IT WEEEEE

2023 was honestly such a good year for me. Left a person who just wasn't a good partner for me, ended up cutting them out entirely bc they just weren't a good friend either. That was FREEING beyond belief cuz now I have time to do my own things and the confidence to be my authentic self again.

I started dating an old partner of mine again and god I missed him. I missed him so much. I'm happy we had the time apart cuz we really needed it but GOD I'm so happy we're back together, life feels perfect again with him and my irl partner. My polycule is as it should be...

Goals for 2024...well, I've been working for months now to be able to gather the money to visit my partner in March for the whole month so I can meet his family and we can make up for lost time, and in April he'll be coming back with me to New England so we can catch the eclipse with my irl partner and another friend of ours!! I'm very excited for that all to happen...

Other than that...I think artistically speaking I'm going to be branching out a lot more. I want to try 3D modelling again, this time using Blockbench (low poly) instead of Blender. I wanna practice perspective far more often. I want to play around with new brushes in my art program. I also really want to make more Littlest Pet Shop customs and get like...stupid good at them and stupid good at making more miniature stuff to go with them.

Maybe....finish all the games I've started. THAT would be nice. (Impossible goal. Too many games.)

Who knows what else will strike my fancy to try out and to explore but one thing's for certain...I'm going to be myself ENTIRELY and UNAPOLOGETICALLY. I deserve that >:3c

Me reading this without reading who sent this: why does this sound so fami- ah. Yes. The change in icon strikes again.

YOU AND ME BOTH. UNFORTUNATELY YOU ARE MY FRIEND SO YOU HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT HOW I’M LIVING MY BEST LIFE RIGHT NOW BUT UH. Yeah lol.

And relatable! I’m glad we both got to reconnect with old ex’s. It’s what the bpd bitches deserve.

I’m really excited to see what we both create this year. I’m excited to show each other and to encourage each other creatively. Here’s to another glorious year of bitching about shit.

#punk gets mail

[demonicintegrity]

Yknow with the fact that everyone my age is like “ah fuck we’re in a recession and the housing market might crash soon” and that General Air, I’ve kinda accepted it might just be a slim chance if I ever have a retirement. Part of it is the career I’m choosing, but part of it is the Everything.

Y’see a normal full time job has you put some money in for your retirement and then they put money into it. And should you be working for them for X years (and the number keeps growing) you can get the partial/full amount of it at age Y (number also fluctuates) and it seems like a lot of my parents generation has/had this. Something they will get if they don’t have it already.

But two problems are now present with the current model of retirement: one being that the money it gives you just isn’t enough to survive anymore. There was no accounting for how the cost of living and inflation would affect how far a dollar can go. So now we see people who had to come out of retirement and work a bit to make up for the difference. And two, how to build your retirement was never really taught in schools. My mother had to tell her coworkers how to maximize their plan in the current job they all have because they just didn’t know and reading legal/economic jargon is just kinda difficult for a lot of people.

Your other option for a/an additional retirement plan is working with someone who can invest your money in a portfolio. Stocks and all that stuff. But as far as I’m concerned that’s fake money earned through wizardry, I have no fuckin clue how the hell that actually does something.

So now say you’re 20/30 something and you wanna try and have a retirement. Your options is actually be able to work full time at a job that offers retirement benefits and actually stick with it for like 20+ years or invest money you don’t have in a portfolio. It’s not new that a lot of places deliberately don’t have you on for full time so they don’t have to pay those benefits. And the only two careers I know of that promise a full retirement in only about 20 years of work is the military and being a cop.

So what do you do? I think the options generally are morbid.

Wait for your parents to die, sue someone and win, or win the lottery.

For me at least, that is the only conceivable way I’ll ever get a large amount of money at once. (And even then, watch most of it go to student loans lmao)

And it’s morbid. Thinking your best bet into have a comfortable to retirement amount of money is your parents dying. And even that is coming from a place of privilege. But I’ve heard it before! Being upset that your parents are dead and it’s stressful planning the funeral but also feeling guilty because that chunk of change feels good to have. It’s morbid and rightfully taboo as shit to acknowledge but getting a significant amount of money when someone dies might actually help you outta a bind.

The second is suing. Americans in particular have a rep for being a lil trigger happy about lawsuits. And I think it’s for two reasons. 1) it’s the only way to truly guarantee someone has to be held accountable and even then it’s a hope and 2) we’ve romanticized getting a lot of money outta it. Because we need it.

Y’know that older but still prevalent joke that “hey if I get hit by a uni bus at least they’ll pay my tuition?” Yeah no they won’t. Not anymore at least. I’ve had several adults working at my college say they won’t, they’ll only cover medical costs from the incident bc it’s happened so much. Apparently you also have much better luck suing the bus company itself than the school. But it is textbook romanticizing a shitty thing because a lot of money would be nice.

Sidenote: maybe if we had a functioning healthcare system that wasn’t driven on profit we wouldn’t have to be entirely reliant on suing someone to have impossible medical debt not kill us

And it’s also because you don’t realize just how slow and expensive the legal process is until you’re in it. And how much of a difference having money to throw at a court case makes. But that’s why settlements outside of court are so so tempting. Again, it’s also a degree of privilege.

So here’s your last option: the lottery. Which is just gambling. It’s 100% gambling and hoping it works. And a 1 or 2 dollar lottery seems relatively low loss on you for a whatever billion win. Whatever that comes out after taxes is still enough to keep you alive the rest of your life provided you don’t blow through it.

(Side thought on the lottery. If the state has like, a lot of money set aside to give to a random lucky person, why not just actually divide it and give it to the people? Or put it towards the roads/a school/whatever program??

The current mega millions jackpot for 10/24 is $114,000,000. $114 million dollars. So that’s not a lot if you split it out to the population, but I still don’t understand why not put that jackpot money into the roads instead of the amount earned with people buying lottery tickets. Idk idk it just feels like the state is dangling money over you head sometimes. Heehoo look at this money that could quite literally save your life come dance for meeee)

So it would seem the only guarantees for getting enough money to live (cuz remember the minimum wage isn’t livable anymore even with full time hours) let alone retire is some combination of privilege and luck. Lucky us.

#I just woke up and decided to ramble it seems #capitalist hell #America

[like-rain-or-confetti]

Vanity Headcanon in response to the previous headcanon: Vanity does such sadistic things, like writing angst, not creating a masterlist, etc. bc of her trauma. Specifically, her doing it is an example of her self-sabotaging tendencies where she holds people to this unattainable standard (finding her fics which is nearly impossible with lacking tags a d tumblr beung tumblr for instance) and then becoming distraught and overwhelmed because of the surplus of her work and simultaneously relieved because of old works she might not be as proud of having a slimmer chance of being found. And then she teases ppl for it, happy that they desire her work and secretly relishing over the slight power she has over them, giving way to issues with control.

Girl, this was one to UNPACK 😂😂 Buckle up bois, we getting into my psyche 😂. Can't wait until I regret being so honest 😂

I reckon I do self sabotage a lot of things. Not so sure if i do with fics 😂 but fuck it, let's get into my mindset on fics 😂

I have a specific adoration for bittersweet angst. Like to be sad something is over with or a reminiscing a memory. If it's a break-up and there's nothing bittersweet about it. Nothing but hurt and I tend not to read it because for me it can fall into being told things are shit but not really going into it. I feel things rather deeply I'd say in life and naturally that comes out in fics. If I have to write something sad like death, I want to express the full thing, the pain, the hurt, the loss and grief and why those feelings are there. Kind of romanticising the everyday moments hoping that one day I can look back on my life and romanticise all the things I have done and who with. Rather than focus on the end goal of feeling successful by how much money I have, what my career was, how many kids I had and where they went to college. All things that was instilled in me at a young age, I want to be able to think. "In this picture, I might not remember how old I was but it made me really happy. In that moment, I was happy where I was and felt loved. I spent time with this person and that was enough." I want to focus more on memories and the connections I make rather than assets. I think that rubs off in my writing and because I'm a sentimental sappy lil shit, it usually comes out in angst.

Should probably throw in that I have mental illnesses and so sometimes it's hard to write about happy fluffy shit that doesn't make me think about what I'm missing, ehat i should be and blah de blah. 👀😂

But yes, my fics are very reflective because I do a lot of reflecting myself with some shitty things that have happened in my life and my pure dissatisfaction of how those experiences have shaped me and my struggles today so you might be onto something with the trauma part 😂

So scrolling back to a blog ago I decided after many many many many years of imagining stories in my head to cope with my struggles that I would put them on the Internet like other people did. I was terrified and made sure my identity was kept hidden. No one would ever find out who I was and those who did know me would never know this is what I do. I didn't even expect to do it very long but this...omg this is the highlight. I didn't think they'd get much attention. When I first did this, I was posting 11 stories a day.

Fast forward to the first time I'm asked about a masterlist...

I'm between 2-4 thousand fics in with no knowledge on how to make them. Vanity isnt tech savvy and half the time technology won't cooperate with Vanity. I'm well into a year or two of doing this.

Now I might be an arsehole for this thinking but that was a big old fuck thaaaaat. I'm working at the time, I have college and a job to hold down after that. It was a big ol' NOPE. Not possible. Plus, it's fine, people will grow bored of me and I'll fade away OR again, I won't be doing this for very long anyway.

I was wrong.

So what did I do? Made a tag system. You want this prat? Search the name, you'll find said prat here with the rest of him.

Then I was made aware that tumblr decided if you so much name drop a prat then said fics WILL BE INCLUDED. This was a problem BUT IM IN TOO DEEP AND NOW OVER 4000 FICS IN.

I'm also becoming aware that people aren't forgetting me. Infact I have more followers than I've ever had in my life and its approaching 1.7k. I have a rather nasty panic attack because it felt like all eyes were on me and i wanted to run like fuck...roughly ten mins into said panic attack, I deleted that blog.

ROLL IN THIS BLOG. Guess what, Vanity still can't make a bloody masterlist. People are screaming at me because they thought the lost me for good and I'm coming to terms with an alarming amount of people actually caring about my fics. But people weren't supposed to! This was just a random person trying to have a fun tome with her imagination that could only dream of people liking her stuff...AND IT WAS HAPPENING!?

But then a new challenger! Ya gal realises that she's written all these fics...and doesn't want them to be noticed but then why have I put them on the Internet for people to see!? Wtf!? Yet I keep going. "Please, don't see this. Please. Come on. Don't notice this." *presses post* "I'm actually shit at writing but it's fun, as long as people don't notice-* *reaches over 100+ notes*

Then the master lists come up AGAIN. She still doesn't understand how to do them and now I'm at 8000. Someone OFFERS to make one and I refuse because that's torture for me to even think of never mind let someone else do that. Live your life babe, I am not worthy of that valuable time.

Now I face intense imposter syndrome that I can't rationalise with. Feel giddy when I get feedback and grow confident to push my boundaries, get insecure and hide back into my hidey hole. Not to mention the constant feeling of letting people down when I don't consistently post and better yet, anything I do write is utter garbage and my supporters deserve better.

So kind of, more of me not knowing how to handle this stuff nor myself so I take it a day at a time and hiss at the thought of a masterlist. It hurts to think about. Like say I go through all the bother of making a bible of masterlists that'll require masterlists for the masterlists and then I have to UPDATE IT ALL THE TIME?

Nah, I have over 60 WIPs jumping around in my brain, I don't have the mental capacity. 😂 I mean I went into this thinking I'd grow out of it. IM STILL HERE AFTER ALL THESE YEARS THINKING "OH WHAT IF I BECAME AN AUTHOR?" Only to be realise I might have exhausted myself with the fanfic writing and even more so the strong feeling no one would want that. None of the characters I write about are mine and that's who the people are here for. Not to mention I DONT HAVE THE CONFIDENCE 😭 AS USUAL.

Ugh, I feel sick just thinking about all of this.😂

I don't think I just do. Writing is the do. Masterlists is the thinking.

props to those who read ALL OF THIS. You troopers, smooches ❤️

#my blog is scattered just like my brain #oops my mental health is showing.

[troglobite]

laksjdf

sometimes it feels like my mom gives really vague answers on purpose

i walked in to ask her abt dinner bc i was gonna get up and bake to stop myself from continuing to watch attorney woo

i can tell immediately that she's not in a good mood but idk why

so i gently ask two questions

bc on the screen is the ferry system for canada

so i ask what she's doing and she says looking at ferries to canada

and i ask "can i ask why?"

and she says bc they canceled the one from here to victoria [or something]

and i'm just like

so clearly no allowed to ask for clarification

my anxiety is spiking bc this could mean someone randomly suggested another (dangerous, not covid safe) trip and she's not telling me

and that's why she's in a "bad mood" already

and that's why she's giving me non-answers that she KNOWS are not fucking answers

bc she gets like this abt ONLY THINGS LIKE THIS

where she demands to know why i want to know

when i have repeated a million times and will repeat until the day i die

i just like to have all the information. it makes me feel better. i'm not gonna do anything with that information. but having it helps. being in the loop is super crucial for me.

but no, whenever something like this comes up, she gets angry and defensive and evasive and refuses to answer my questions

and puts herself in this triggered place of "beck is trying to control my life"

i just "accepted" her non-answer and tried to have a normal conversation

and she just acted weird and wouldn't pay any attention to me and was barely listening

and then got irritated when i mentioned why i came in--bc if she's making steak for dinner, then i didn't want to be in her way baking something, so i could bake something different maybe. that i'm trying to stop watching attorney woo bc i'm now on ep 8 of 16 (in like three days flat)

so now i'm just afraid to talk to her and i'm afraid she's mad at me

and i'm just supposed to Do Nothing About It

and pretend that everything's fine bc that's what she's doing.

bc if she's not telling me explicitly that something is wrong then i can't respond to that bc it's not fair to me to have to sit here and anticipate and read between the lines and be psychic to figure out what's going on

and apparently i'm not allowed to be concerned about covid or trips or anything

i'm so tired of being treated like an idiot nuisance the SECOND anything goes wrong

meanwhile she's put off looking at counselors for us both to go to until at least may

the reasons she listed aren't like, bullshit or anything. they're legitimate.

but i emailed her about it in january and then again at the beginning of february

and she didn't do anything about it or bring it up

and i was afraid to bring it up

and then i finally did

and i get this longass email talking about all this shit happening and how busy and how she won't have any money and she can't do anything "bc it deserves [her] full attention"

but that's just. impossible. nothing will ever get her full attention. she will never have enough space to actually devote to that.

she doesn't want to do this, i'm sure.

and if she does, she just wants to blame it all on me.

i hate this.

one semi-weird interaction and i'm spiraling and want to cry.

it's just the same every time

if i walk in and she has a weird fucking vibe then we're not gonna be normal at all for the rest of the day, and that's just that.

and she'll NEVER ADMIT that she was being weird and argumentative and short w me or rude or anything. "i'm completely fine and normal, stop insinuating that something is wrong"

but something IS wrong and you're lying to me and/or yourself and it's exhausting

and this is what i live in constant fear of

just something turning on a dime and it being impossible to exist in the same room with her or have a normal conversation

i can't ask innocent questions that mean nothing, that she wouldn't have a problem with any other day

and if i DARE suggest that's out of the ordinary, then i'm being the argumentative cruel and judgmental one

i'm tired. i hate these moods. i hate these times. i hate that there's nothing i can do about them.

bc then she's just infinitely louder around the house, too, so hiding in my room doesn't do anything.

then she'll get annoyed that i'm in my room or something.

i hate this.

there is no solution to this and she won't even LOOK at counselors for another 2 months.

meanwhile they'll probably stop accepting new patients by then if they haven't already.

i'm so fucking tired and sick of this.

i'm not gonna bake i'm just gonna keep watching attorney woo and keep hiding in my room. bc fuck this.

[ghost-proofbaby]

Hi ghost it's me the girl formally known as guitar anon, also formally known as a girlfriend.

So we broke up a little over a month ago. There was this whole drama with his parents and money that I don't know the whole story about. He either left their place or got kicked out I'm not sure. This all happened the day after me and him went to a concert together and I really thought everything was fine. Jokes on me I guess 🙃

But I'm telling him that he can stay at my place with me and my parents until he figures something out bc at that time I'm just freaking the fuck out and feel like my world is crashing down. Little did I know. Cause like 3 days later he's like hey I can't handle being in a relationship while I deal with all this. And like I get it. It's fucking stressful. But like all I wanted to do was help him and I felt helpless.

We still talk somewhat frequently. Less so now. He gets an apartment. He talks to his parents again. It's been like two weeks and I can barely function. He invites me to his housewarming party (which was last night). I wanted to go but I didn't want to go but I knew if I didn't I'd feel worse thinking about the what ifs. So I trudge through my shit show of a life for two more weeks and make it to yesterday.

I go with the friend that set us up and her husband. His parents are there. That hurt more than I thought it would bc I never thought I'd see them again and I somehow got it into my head that they'd be mad at me. I walk in the door and his mom is like oh I missed you and hugs me and I hug her so hard bc I literally dreamt about her a few days ago telling me that everything would be okay. I tell her I miss her too. She says maybe me and her son can get back together soon. Me and him just look at each other. Later I get so drunk I throw up. Sometime when this is happening his dad tells my friend that he's so pissed that his son broke it off with me bc I am a nice girl. They probably felt bad bc I was puking up my guts at the time too. Which I have never done before so I guess that was another first I can check off.

When we leave I hug him and tell him I miss him and he says he knows. And he says to tell my parents hi and I say well neither of them wanted me to come tonight and I couldn't quite read his face he was either upset or pissed off but I'm not gonna lie it kind of made me happy.

I don't know what to do bc I was going to tell him I loved him. And then he broke up with me but he still wants me around. Mostly. And it's drudged up a bunch of issues I thought I had dealt with and I can't think of anything else and it's driving me insane. I just don't know when to quit bc I don't want to bc we were fine and then we weren't and nothing even happened. I'm sorry if this is too much and too depressing but I went to you with all the fun stuff so you can have some of the sad too.

🙃

oh babe :-( i just wanna wrap you up in a hug.

i can sort of understand the whole "maybe i shouldn't be in a relationship while my life is crashing down", but it also just sounds like a panicked decision on his part?? part of a relationship is being there for someone through good and bad, being there for the other person when shit goes down. the downfall, of course, is that you can't force someone to let you be there for that. if someone doesn't want support, it can be nearly impossible to force it upon them, y'know?

i think if it keeps on affecting you negatively, at some point, you've got to set that boundary for yourself as well. if he's allowed to set his boundaries, so are you.

do not set yourself on fire to keep anyone else warm, no matter how much you love them - that is the best advice i've ever received.

i'm sorry, hun. i'm giving you all the virtual hugs

#seriously i cannot stress how many hugs im sending you #someone claiming they can't be in a relationship but keeping you around on a leash is the absolute worst feeling #it's easy to tell someone going through it to set the boundaries but it's much harder to actually be that person who has to do such #my heart goes out to you babe

[foxstens]

had my first run-in with the janissaries

basically i went through every area i could access to get all the treasure chests i had been avoiding bc they were guarded n stuff. and all of them were easy, like four were in a huge restricted area that literally had two guards lmao, but there’s this one. it’s in a camp, the only camp ive come across in this game, and there’s like 50 guards around it

most of them are janissaries, who are... the most annoying enemy ive come across in this series. like i knew they’d be hard based on their description and what i’ve read about them but holy fuck i did not expect to be this bad at fighting them. they can block or counter or dodge every attack you have, they can either combo-hit you or shoot you, and they take a million years to die bc it’s so hard to find an opening. oh and in this case there’s no way to just fight them one by one. 

they’re also quite resistant to the crossbow and the hidden gun, like a few enemies in this game, and they take like 3 shots form either to die. the only way to one-shot them is via poison or arrow storm. idk how well bombs work since i suck at using them and you can’t snipe them from the roof bc this is a pretty big open camp.

in my panic i ended up calling a few assassins and thankfully none of them died but it was close. taunt doesn’t exist in this game so you can’t disarm them like the papal guards, and apparently the best ways to kill them are via counter steal??? which is pretty complicated and im too slow to use it, or via air assassination which im also too slow for. i dont think they show up in other places but i think there’s a mission involving them and this camp which is. scary. i mean i guess i could go there and just practice them or smth but i feel underleveled for it. id like to get more stuff and more experience with the bombs before i do that

i feel like there isn’t too much to do in this game yet, ive just been running around getting money renovating buildings lowering my awareness rinse and repeat, and also recruiting any troubled citizens i came across. i’ve managed to recruit pretty much everyone that showed up on my map apart from one particular guy because its a race

and races are still fucking impossible jesus fucking christ its not even hard but EZIO JUST JUMPS ALL OVER THE PLACE EVEN WHEN MY FINGERS ARE WORKING CORRECTLY AND ITS SO FUCKING ANNOYING JEHSUGDJUSJDUG 

i am glad i checked it out tho bc there’s a small cutscene before the race starts and holy shit have i mentioned i love ezio. ohhhhhh my god i love ezio in this game. HE’S SO GREAT WHAT THE HECK. like hes always been great but hes so. hes so mature now. hes so calm. i keep saying that but its true g o d. AND HIS VOICE I CANNOT EXPRESS HOW MUCH I LOVE HIS VOICE AND HOW IT CHANGES THROUG HTHE GAMES. 

the combat and movement does feel pretty wonky at times like the secondary weapon just doesnt work sometimes for some reason i cant figure out and it takes a million years to stand up if i happen to fall, which i dont rmr if it was the same in brotherhood bc i never fell, and 99% of the time i just can’t break out of grabs even if i do what the prompt is telling me. its worked twice before and i was doing the exact same thing i always try to do so most of the time i just stand there and get stabbed. 

which is why im still not making the most of the combat system and i prefer using coward strats and killing everything from the rooftops or with the arrow storm. i also still don’t understand how purchasing bombs works, like i had three types of bombs then i bought like 4 from the guy but i ended up only having two?? i think the stuff you buy from him can only take up one slot, so if you buy four types of bombs you’ll end up with the last one you purchased. but it’s not clear which slot they each go into and you also aren’t told what they do unless you go into the database and check it out??? 

roughly half of them seem useless since they can affect civilians or im just never in a situation where they’d be useful, and i feel like using them takes too much thinking and time because half the time i just can’t deploy them when i need to. switching weapons is also so fucking annoying since now have two weapon wheels and i gotta hit a button to switch to the second wheel and /then/ i gotta use the mouse to actually move the arrow to the weapon i want bc rebinding the controls makes the selection skip items. wasnt an issue before whne there was only one wheel but now its annoying bc bombs. also the crossbow is a primary weapon now and i hate. 

still having a great time with the game i just hate the moments when all the issues with the controls make it harder than its supposed to be. im kind of itching for another hidden tomb now eh

#my posts #gameblogging #liveblogging ac #read more #my rambles #my rants #animanga #liveblogging #animeblogging

[felix-ander]

Random Headcanons Pt.2

this time it's for the other characters. Once again there might be some character spoilers or some spoilers from certain routes. This is mostly shit I just kinda thought of

OnionThief

does the bunny ear method when tying shoes

when he is at his family's house he reads his siblings to sleep

feels extremely guilty if he buys anything for himself

"This money could have been put to better use"

he doesn't drink coffee bc he doesn't want to get addicted/dependent on it

actually impossible for him to not argue with NightOwl

"It is not my fault that he is wrong all the time😒"

was on the debate team in high-school

he really said "let me play devil's advocate🤓"

also was in coding club

despite being in computer science he owns and average computer that will get him by

Why spend 300$ when a 100$ one will do?

extreme couponer

he uses scrapbooks to hold his coupons

buys his family's groceries

June

has a fuck ton of apple pens bc she loses them a lot

enjoys taking pictures of her food

when she bakes she adds a bit more sugar than the recipe says to add

she is pretty short

a big fan of wedge shoes

has one of those bicycles with a basket in the front

takes vitamins every morning

has an Instagram art page and does commissions sometimes

it has 5k followers and she still can't believe it

her favorite fruit is strawberries

she dips her strawberries in sugar

has had the same drawing tablet since grade 9 (I think its freshman in American)

she's trying to get a new one tho bc it has calibration issues

she has a switch

her favourite game on it is Fire Emblem Three Houses

SalociN

excersises with his wife

a really good gardener

super proud of the tomatoes he is growing

after he retired he joined a bowling team for a year

he wasn't very good but still found enjoyment in it

every Saturday his family has a game night

and every Sunday they have a movie night

super close to his kids

I imagine when his kids would come home from school and were like "Dad you will NOT believe what happened today" and he's like "I'm all ears"

he writes his wife love notes

when he visits first wifes grave he tells her everything that happened since the last time he was there

his wife Mara sometimes tags along

BIGLADY

big wine buyer

plans to get a wine cellar in the future

owns a cat themed calander

watches tik toks non stop

tried to make bread once but it was a disaster

wants to be a crafty person so bad but it just do not work out

she can play guitar and ukulele

also has a decently good voice

always keeps a hairbrush on her

she wore runners to her prom

she enjoys nature walks

she does stretches to start her day

hates avocados with a passion

she like actually becomes so angry when she gets something and they don't removed the avocados that she requested get removed

Two2

likes One Punch Man but only the first season

hates how the second butchered the arts syle

likes raspberry cream horns

wears mismatching socks

they like wearing bracelets

sometimes they make them for their sister

bought their sister a nice fluffy pair of earmuffs so she could block out their parents arguements

got a back brace they don't wear too often

use to work at an ice cream shop during the summer

They are not very drippy

they got a plain ass wardrobe

eats Flintstones chalk vitamins for fun

#blooming panic #two2 #bp onionthief #onionthief #blooming panic biglady #bp two2 #blooming panic june #bp june #blooming panic two2

[queer-full-of-fear-18]

So episode 9 ripped me to shreds...let's unpack this rollercoaster...

First off, YiDiao Nation how are we doing? Bc I'm 50% dying and 50% living like...can Nat just fight in every show he so good??? I am rooting so hard for Diao this whole show and the way he conveys his anger, disappointment, worry, anxieties, sarcasm is just ?!?! *chefs kiss* 😤

I was screaming at the top of my lungs for the entire dinner scene like YES KING TEAR THIS MF APPART🤪

On a lil side note...how we feel about Diao's parents? Bc currently I'm so on the fence about it... also does this mean Diao DOES remember this "terrible thing" that happened? I need answers just like Diao needs em from Yi. The kitchen scene was short with little dialogue but it conveyed so much Nat's body language for Diao is absolutely spit on and is a different Diao from the start of the series (yes character progression) and Max's delivery of Max stuttering was the cherry on top. The dog scene had me confused like, Yi you think getting him a dog is gonna fix all your problems??? But maybe itvhas smth to do with this accident from the preview, well have to see...

On to KueaLian...listen...what the fuck. It was 90% the absolute cutes most wholesome shit I've even witnessed. I was so happy parts 1-2 and I was like "I'm sure noting could possibly happen even if its ep9" (*note absolute sarcasm) and of course it happend...*sigh*... But I'll get to that, first:

They have me in a choke hold - they chemistry is insane both in physical displays and just plain old romantic/platonic shit. The way Zee delivers Lian's bomb ass love confessions left and right just absolutely sell the idea that Lian absolutely adores Kuea through and through and shit this man is smooth AF I was squealing like a mF through out all their scenes their so fuckibg cute immmmm- 😭😭😭

The bath scene was so adorable and made me tear up with the discussion...too real man. 🤧😭

Side note Foei is amazing and Poppy breathes so much life into his chacter with legit just his facial expressions, I can't help but smile every time hes on screen. King shit👑

And then it all crashes down into a million pieces by something that's been foreshoadown for like the past 3 episodes; this whole thing with the lands and owner ships of Kuea's family fortune? (I dont think I understand it that well tbh)

Now on the one hand, I'm pissed that this happened bc Lian had been set up to do the proper thing and explain all of this to Kuea, bc there is no way in gay hell this wasn't done for him IMPOSSIBLE and then they said - "oops no he finds the papers" just on Lian's desk???"

Your telling me this man has hidden the fact he has low key high key stalked Kuea and all that jazz and he just leaves for smth tells Kuea to go to his office and leaves those there??? Mf are u stupid???

This is all gonna be a misunderstanding™ and I honest to god hate those bc its all just frustrating as hell...bc it even looks like his mom is aware of all this jumbo like...*bangs head against wall* 😫

On the other hand, by very little I'll add, this might be some good Kuea development in both bad and good. By the preview hes going to jump assumptions and think that Lian is using him for his money or some shit like that, which feeds into is insecurities yes very on brand and he's then gonna realize that he hurt Lian's feeling by thinking he would do such a thing or smth they kiss happy ending (can you tell I'm dreading his whole thing)💀💀💀

BUT I've decided to remain optimistic about it, 1) bc I'm invested anywyad but mainly 2) bc I'm hoping this gets resolved as quickly as the whole Kilen drama (relatively)

Please for the love of gay Jesus I just want them to be in a happy loving healthy communicating relationship is that too much to ask?? I already gotta deal with YiDiao's messy family drama 😭

Finishing off on a lighter note...SynNuer y'all Y E S ALL OF IT YESS. While their whole scene was short I'm really happy it was there. The whole football bit was hilarious gotta love the 3 lil Shit™ energy so fun and annoying in the best way possible. Nuer is a friend now and it seems both him and later on Syn realise shit is up with Kuea - straight up communicating through their gazes just AH they are so AH (Syn looking at shirtless Nuer okay👀👀👀) they just have such nice energy around then as a pairing I'm hoping they get some development even if were nearing the end...partially BC imma need a pallet cleanser if I gotta deal with YiDiao and KueaLian's shit next episode god dam...

#cutie pie the series #hia lian #liankuea #zeenunew #i love them #kuea keerati #lian x kuea #love this show tho #nunew chawarin #i wanna puch Yi goddam #missing jay hours #foei is a legend #cutiepie the series spoilers #cutie pie the series episode 9 #hia yi #yi x diao #yidiao #maxnat #nat natasitt #max kornthas #synnuer #nuersyn #nuer #syn

[1eos]

miss kendra, you rlly were telling the truth that anyone in a fandom has worms for brains/brainrot. i was watching this vid on yt talking abt the whole rv behavior scandal. i was expecting at least reasonable ppl in the comment section but to no surprise, we got fans defending the members and calling the employees 'clout chasers' just bc they happened to reveal this during rv's cb -_- and as someone who happened to work in customer service some time ago, this just pissed me off bc celebrities being rude are more likely bc they have fame, money, and influence which has been proven to fuel egos and turn them into entitled divas.

they even said they wanted proof and i was like 'do they not realize that most of the time these incidents just happen spontaneously so it's impossible to get proof???' toxic stan culture is cancer is2g... and the fact that they were calling the members 'nice girls' as if they personally knew them further solidified my belief that there is truly no hope for these ppl. ppl said the same thing abt kr*s w* and look where he is now... they haven't learned and will never learn at all.

😞hate being right abt these kinds of things but ….the fandom brain rot has sunk into the core of the earth it feels like. just the other day i got some article recced to me abt fans talking abt the ‘real’ personality of red velvet aka just insisting theyre nice and i was like ???????????? but you’re fans??????? you don’t fucking know them?????? i dont doubt some ppl have had positive interactions with celebs the same way i dont doubt the service workers stuck dealing w all the divas of the world have had BAD experiences.

idk why fans refuse to understand that in a controlled event meant FOR fans ofc these celebs are going to be nicer. and personally i think how u treat customer service workers shows your true self. oh and when they think these ppl working are trying to get money or clout…..girl WHAT CLOUT??? WHAT MONEY? stan culture is so insane you don’t get sh*t for complaining abt a celeb but death threats. which is stupid bc if your fave got a bad attitude thing leaked you knowwwwwwwwwwwwww workers have BEEN talking shit abt you like these things don’t come up overnight my friend who loves celeb gossip has told me abt multiple celebs w the workers around them calling them cunts just for a while later it to surface for real. and what kills me is smaller things will crop up and fans will defend their faves whether it be being a menace to service workers or being a creep to women (i can name at least 5 ppl w accusations of assault that fans have buried) but the MOMENT it gets big and can’t be buried they flip the script and go ‘oh i always had a bad feeling abt them’ did you really? and every time a celeb gets exposed ppl make posts abt not knowing your idols then…..turn around and act like they know some other idol its insane

#like there IS a healthy middle ground #u can like whoever u like just be aware w money and power comes bad attitudes gkakgga #your fave can be an asshole just dont act like repeated people calling them out on shit are all lying #like cmon now

[syubub]

Yoongi birthday reading/energy check!!

It's sweet sweet tangerine bois birthday!!

I wanted to do a cute little energy check up to see what's up and ask some fun little questions!!

I'm excited so let's just do this shit!!

Disclaimer: this is for entertainment purposes and not to be taken as fact!!

---

I want to apologize for the absolute shit pictures but what's new lol

So, let's start with the platform. First thing I noticed was the blue was brighter but the platform was darker? It was like someone cranked up the contrast to 100. Ngl it looked pretty cool. Yoongis platform doesn't typically have a barrier like some of the others do so I just kinda walked in and did the whole, "happy birthday, I have questions" His energy seemed a lot more... vibrant? And playful I guess? It was really nice. Now. The actual connection was intresting because the cord was blue again and like, real thick. (I don't think my perceived thickness of the cord has and real correlation with how strong the connection is. It was just thicc) this time though, the cord was connected at the chest instead of the third eye. So i was like, ??? But my guide didn't give my any sort of helpful input (my guide likes to watch me suffer in my confusion. I'm sure of it)

Anyway, cord like that and then yoobi gave me a headbutt to connect at the third eye. Idk why he gotta be like that :( istg next time he's gonna flick my forehead or something.

I was like "cool cool cool. I want to do the reading now pls" and idk how to explain the energy other than sassy. You know? Blah blah blah I'm thinking, "I don't remember him being so cheeky but maybe I've been gone long enough for him to level up into his final sass monster form"

Anywho, this was intresting because after the little strings were connected and stuff, we plopped down on the floor. And it was like everything I was doing irl was being mimicked infront of yoons energy? So we were sitting facing eachother and I was putting the cards down between us?? Usually that doesn't happen but it was kinda fun!!

Moving right along. I first asked if there was anything he wanted to say or needed to get across and it was 11. Now, 11 has come up before and I'm still not to sure what it's in reference to? My best guess is possibly he's been seeing 11:11 or that it's 2? Idk let me know if you have any clues lol. Other stuff was just kinda banter and stuff.

So so so.

The reading. First thing I asked was how he was doing. And I shuffled his preticular way (when I ask a question I always ask for the energy to tell me how much to shuffle or when to stop. For yoongi it's always 2-2-2. So 2 bridge shuffles, 2 hand shuffles and then split the pile in 2. That's why I think 11 might be 2 to him?)

The cards we got are ace of swords rev, justice,the heirophant rev, the empress.

So based off this I was like okay. I want to pull clarity cards for the two rev cards to get a better picture so I pulled the emperor rev for ace or swords rev and strength rev and wheel of fortune rev for the heirophant rev.

Starting with the ace of swords rev, and the emperor reverse. It seems like yoongi has been re thinking his relationship to control in his life. That's he's possibly noticing any unhealthy needs to control his life and the situation around him. It could also refer to his judgment being clouded by a rigid approach.

With the justice card it makes me think that he's possibly considering a big choice in his life or that he's really doing some deconstructing of his own views. This second idea fits in well with him getting clarity on some possibly unhealthy control issues in his life.

Now. The heirophant rev, strength rev and wheel of fortune reverse. This was intresting to me bc they are all major arcana. The heirophant rev can really talk about no longer needing outside approval and making your own way in your own time bc you are your own teacher. Strength in rev I kinda read as self doubt and feeling down in this case. Like a lack of confidence in himself and his abilities. And the wheel of fortune in reverse I took to mean as his breaking cycles. All together these cards kinda paint a picture about wanting and trying to break a cycle of self doubt and self limiting beliefs and learning more about himself and why he think what he does about himself and searching through everything for truth. It's really good!! In short he's doing some nice soul searching and trusting himself to guide his own way through this self discovery!

The empress! This card seems to pop up for yoobi a lot and I think it really speaks to the abundance that surrounds him! Not just money but the abundance of creativity, love, friends ect.

Now now now. I asked him if there was anything that he wanted to tell us about himself or bts or what's happening in the near future. For that I got 2 of cups, king of wands and 3 of coins.

So the 2 of cups is partnership. Usually romantic. Could be pertaining to the may 13th thing that is ever present lol but I'll get to that later. With the 3 of coins talking about teamwork, this could definitely hint at collaborations coming up!! That's the vibe I get. No one crush my dreams. And for the king of wands it could be talking about taking the reigns on a new project and starting to get it done. Like a new opportunity. This could be a new bts project like starting a new campaign or new venture or maybe personal like the a mixtape or doing more songs for other groups ect.

I had to ask him how he was feeling about the grammys. I had to. Had to. The cards were ace of wands, 2 of wands and death reverse. When these came flying out I could help but smile. Yoongis energy was almost giddy too!

Witht he ace of wands

It's that spark of creativity and inspiration. It's that feeling when you get super excited over some new thing. I think this is the perfect example for feeling reinvigorated. The 2 of wands takes that spark from the ace and tries to funnel that excitement and newness into something directional. Using that burst of creativity to start planning for future progress!! Its so nice to see that! If they don't win (IF) you bet we're gonna get some bangers about a corrupt system. If (WHEN) they do win we'll get bangers about how thankful they are to have gotten where they are in spite of a corrupt system. I just want to hear an uncensored version of yoongi being like, "HOLY FUCKING SHIT, WE DID IT BITCHES. FUCK ALL YOU BASTARDS THAT SAID WE COULDN'T."

I can dream....

What a nice dream.

Now I asked if there was anything yoobi wanted to say to us as in advice or comfort or anything like that and I got, Clearing negativity, make time for self care, when I'm tuned into the energy of abundance I become abundant. when I'm in a state of appreciation im in vibrational alignment with my true love nature. The world rev, 2 of swords rev and that project, that person, that idea is waiting.

Awe. Take care of yourselves!! Make sure to take time to enjoy what you like and try not to let any negativity get in the way of you enjoying your days. The world rev to me seems to be talking about seeking closure on the things in your life that have been impacting you. Tie up those loose ends so you can move foward without triping over yourself and 2 of swords rev I think talks about information overload and being kinda indecisive bc of that. Take a sep back to evaluate the situation at hand because sometimes it's so close you can't see what you're looking for. Those of you who are studying and getting frustrated because you just can't seem to get it, try taking a step back and doing something to take care of yourself and come back to it so you can approach with a clearer mind. Try not to get stuck or paralyzed by choice but if you do get stuck, take some time to detach yourself from the situation and come back later!

A fair few people wanted an update on yoobis soulmate as well. If you need a refresher here's the run down. Yoongis soulmate is impossible for me to read, yoongi is a smug ass and I'm nosy and probably a little dumb.

Now that that's cleared up

I asked, "am I missing something?" (As to why I can't connect and why yoongi won't give me answers.)

I got queen of cups, magician and the high priestess. I read this as him being like, "yeah dude, you aren't woke enough"

YOONGI just give me answers pls. The high priestess is intuition and sacred knowledge, the magician is manifestation and the queen of cups is also intuition.

At this point I was like, okay you little shit, can you at least tell me how your soulmate is doing? Can you do that for me?

2 of cups, 2 of pentacles, 9 of wands and knight of wands. 2 of cups is partnership usually romantic, 2 of pentacles is priorities and managing them, 9 of wands persistence, knight of wands motivation for a new thing. His soulmate last time was in the process of going through some shit and figuring it out and it seems like now they've got a better clue of how to move foward and are currently heading towards good things/ important things in their life (possibly like working towards dream career or had an idea for a business the want to start or field they want to go in.)

I was thinking about the next question when this popped into my head, "if you know about your akashic book, do you know about your soulmates? Have you read it?" I used my pendulum. No movement at all. What so ever. "Are you listening to me?" Yes. "So answer my question please" No. "Do you like to watch me suffer?" Maybe. "Do you know the answer to the question" yes.

YOONGI WHY

This cheeky son of a bitch.

Now I was like, fuck it. Imma ask him the big boi question.

"Is your soulmate present when I do these readings?" Yes.

WHY THE FUCK CAN I NIT PICK UP ON IT???

I had to take a deep breath dude. Yoobi is testing my nerves.

"Are they hiding their energy?" No.

I was actually gonna combust. This makes no sense.

I asked yoongi if he would tell me what I'm not getting. Silence. So i ask my guide.

"lol ur dumb"

Watch me Google "how to fire your spirit guide"

Istg this feels like some dumb prank. Maybe I'm just genuinely oblivious to his soulmates energy or maybe I'm just doing something.

What do you want to bet that his soulmate is just hiding under the platform and I'm too stupid to notice or some dumb thing like that.

yoobi, sir, why must you do this?

I decided to continue.

"What message or thing have you learned from your soulmate recently that could be valuable to us?" I got healthy communication in relationships and deep replenishment.

Good to know you can have a nice communicative relationship with your soulmate bc I CAN'T.

I'm petty about it, sue me.

The message does stand though. Good communication and taking proper rest to replenish yourself.

Now I had to ask yoongi directly what he thought of may 13th.

I got the lovers, 7 of swords, the magician and judgement. The seven of swords was intresting and it makes me think there's some extra stuff at play here too. 7 of swords is about getting away with something and deceit. The clarifier was the magician.... this could mean a lot honestly. It could be that maybe yoongi will have his relationship exposed or possibly that maybe him and his soulmate meet but yoongi is disguised? Idk how that would work at all but I'm stumped. There's a lot of variations that this could be. The magician is about manifesting and having everything you need to create what you want. This could possibly mean that maybe he gets a sudden idea that's like, "oh I have to go here right now. Its super important" eventhough he has practice scheduled. So that would let down his team but he would be following his path and it might lead to him meeting his soulmate? Maybe vice versa? Idk let me know what you think??

With the judgement its about inner calling and kinda like the peak. Like shit has been leading up to this moment. With the lovers too it does seem like a union?

I asked him, "but like what's gonna happen on the 13th thought and I got the 10 of cups. Divine love, bliss, alignment, happy mushy gushy shit. This is why I'm so inclined to think that they'll meet on the 13th or things will get serious or their paths finally cross. The cards seem to heavily suggest that.

My dude. Yoongi is really sappy, pass it on.

For the last question I asked yoomgi if there was messages/ advice he had given to his soulmate that we might benefit from.

First step, open your third eye, open your heart, sign from heaven, open your arms to receiving.

A lot of opening lol.

It's good advice though learning to be open and receptive and taking that first step in tackling life or any situation.

Oki. Now for the disconnecting. It was not nearly as strange as it has been in the past. I was just like thanks dude. Again, happy birthday blah blah and I got up to leave. I noticed it looked like we were in sitting in one of those old plastic hoola hoops? Like the pink and yellow ones lol. As I was looking at and and like??? Off to the side the numbers 13, 28, 54. Obvi 54 isn't a date and then I the last yoongi check up there was book pages and I feel like 54 and 28 were the pages?? I'm not actually sure as I'm writing this so I'm gonna check.

Yep I checked. They are the page #s.

So that's intresting.

Other than that though I just kinda left and he was like, "bye" and that's all.

Not as cool as other yoongi adventures but equally as frustrating.

TLDR

Yoongis doing pretty okay and he's a cheeky little shit. My guide like to watch me suffer and yoobi is mushy gushy squishy.

Happy day of birth Syub!!

#bts #bts tarot #yoongi #bts reactions #bts imagines #yoongi imagine #bts rm #seokjin #bts suga #min suga #park jimin #hoseok #taehyung #jungkook

[cuinnamonbun]

I really love ur headcanon about Hijabi Mc with the brothers! I really love it cuz there is no one writing about us in any fandom =(

I was thinking would u do the (un)datebale characters with Hijabi Mc if u can ? =3

If u don’t want then u can ignore the ask 🖤

Hello there, angel! I assume you meant the chaotic Hijabi MC headcanon that I wrote, so I hope you enjoyed these xx

she/her pronouns!!

The (Un)Dateable Characters' + Luke’s Reactions to a Hijabi MC That Looks Extremely Pious and Quiet but is Actually a Chaotic Mess

Diavolo

As future king of the Devildom that wishes to strengthen the relations between the three realms, prejudice and discrimination against the human exchange students’ choice of religion is a HUGE no-no

Diavolo would not mind the fact that she is wearing a symbol of her devotion to God on her head, but he would be so intrigued by this human at first meeting

Not about her religion, of course, he is well aware of all the religions in the world; Abrahamic religion being the one he is most familiar with (obvi)

What excited him was the fact that this human was so. friggin. hilarious.

He’s not even sure if this human is doing it on purpose because something would happen that would catch her off guard and she would just say?? the most random shit???

Like say, she got jumped by Mammon and her response to that would be a monotone scream and a “sTOP i could’ve dropped my croissant!” but she was actually genuinely startled

He’d be so fascinated like wow! Go girl, give us nothing!!

He would invite her over for tea so many times just so she could explain slang to him

Diavolo: Tell me MC, what is the meaning of DILF?

Due to personal reasons, MC will now be passing away

He would abuse the usage of slang everywhere and he would be so excited to finally understand what Leviathan is talking about

Lucifer: Diavolo, we must talk about the student council budget

Diavolo: That wasn’t very cash money of you

Lucifer: ....excuse me?

Diavolo: Periodt okurrr slay queen

MC has to go hide to avoid being slaughtered like a sacrificial lamb by Lucifer

Diavolo would be also be curious and impressed at the intricate planning of each and every one of her pranks

Like sure, it may be annoying to be the one at the receiving end of it, but understanding the details behind it?? All the logic, physics and patience put into it just to ensure a flawless delivery??? Absolutely stunning

MC has him mesmerised

He would absolutely want to learn the art of pranking from her

Honestly, at this point it’s no longer the human exchange student and the Devil King, it’s now the mentor and the mentee

Lucifer has to demand MC to stop teaching him these things for the sake of his sanity because it’s taking him away from his royal duties that’s keeping the Devildom from falling apart

They still meet up in secret though screw you, Lucifer

Barbatos

This is another demon whom would not mind the fact that their chosen exchange student is a Muslim

Lord Diavolo’s reputation hangs on this exchange program going extremely well, he would not let simple prejudices put a smear on that

He has prepared himself well to receive people from different walks of life just so he can provide all students a comfortable stay during their term in the Devildom

But wait...what is that human doing?

Oh...this poor man

Not only does he have to keep that ginormous labyrinth of a castle spotless and immaculate at all times and ensure that every event being hosted by the castle is going perfectly without a hitch, but he also has to take care of an overgrown man-child that is also known as the future king of the Devildom

Now, he has to make sure this...mess of a human doesn’t go stir up trouble anywhere?

Barbatos is a calm and collected man, but he’s still a demon; virtues aren’t exactly something they practice 

He would need to down three cups of melancholy coffee and squeeze a stress ball whenever he catches MC in her antics whether it is alone or with someone in tow

Somehow he’s the only one whom MC would find almost impossible to prank

Like she managed to catch Lucifer off guard once (that was her proudest achievement) but BARBATOS???? yeah, it’s like he has a pair of eyes on the back of his head or something

MC: *tries to sneak up on him*

Barbatos, not even turning back: Enough of that now, MC, come enjoy this tea I’ve made

Pranking Barbatos will become her number one mission during her entire term in the Devildom

Barbatos would be really amused and impressed at the lengths she would go through just to see that shocked look on his face

Why, it might even be—dare he say—endearing

Though MC will cause this man stress and grey hairs, Barbatos couldn’t help but appreciate her company every time she came around

When she’s not up to her daily shenanigans, she would simply opt to help Barbatos out with some of the chores or preparing the treats for a tea party with the student council members and the exchange program, even though he’s mentioned that she should do no such thing

But knowing that this girl is constantly energetic and restless, Barbs agreed to let her help since he would not want to deal with her breaking some priceless antiques or getting herself in trouble with Devildom law again

She helps to remind him that it’s okay to be laidback once in a while and that he doesn’t need to be so uptight all the time

These two have an unusual friendship but it’s only good vibes all around ^^

Before she leaves the Devildom though, he would pretend that she actually managed to startle him with her last grand prank and the look on her face was worth his reputation taking a slight hit

He totally has a soft spot for her

Solomon

OOOOH THESE TWO

THESE TWO ARE THE EMBODIMENT OF CHAOS ITSELF

Solomon and MC would be the best of friends man

The minute this shady sorcerer laid his eyes on her, he KNEW...this would be his new BFF

They would wreak so much havoc together that they give Lucifer a migraine the size of Lord Diavolo’s castle because they’re rUiNiNG tHe iNtEgRiTy oF tHE eXcHanGe pRoGrAm

Psh, as if that’d stop them

Honestly, it was like they each have one braincell that cancels each other out every time they get together

Lucifer: You two better have an explanation for this

MC: We have three actually. 

Solomon: Pick your favourite

Lucifer hates it whenever they get together and he would always try to prevent them from meeting up 

But his wits are no match for the power of their friendship!!

Solomon would defff try to persuade MC to get more pacts with other demons

Solomon: C’monnnn MC, we could be powerful! :c

MC: Bold of you to assume we’re not powerful now, bestie

So we have established that MC loves to pull pranks right?

She would have so many ideas on the top of her head that she would never use because 1) they either defy the laws of physics or 2) she would need magic to pull it off perfectly

So imagine her excitement when she found out Solomon is the greatest human sorcerer

She would 100% reel him in her plans and schemes and NO ONE (except the angels, they have immunity bc they’re babies :] ) would be safe from them

Despite all the fun they would have though, Solomon definitely treasures her as his greatest friend

I imagine life for Solomon would be quite lonely and he appreciates the constant joy and company that MC would provide him

He would definitely fuck a bitch up if someone dares to mess with his bestie 🙄

These two adore each other so much but they would be caught DEAD before they would admit that to each other 🤭

Simeon

When they first met, Simeon was so happy to find a person so devoted to God such as MC

He takes it upon himself to become MC’s guardian angel around the Devildom

He would helicopter them for a while and would (reluctantly) back off if MC finds it a bit suffocating 

(don’t be mean MC, he just cares about u alot that’s all :( )

This man is capital P patient

I mean, that’s a given with him being an angel and all

But seriously,,, one has to be in awe at how calm and collected he is even when MC would pull pranks that would cause a normal person to wanna punch the living daylights out of her

Eventually she would feel bad and stop pulling these pranks on him though, he’s just too sweet and she can’t take advantage of that </3

They would be really close though (along with Luke) because he would frequently invite her to pray the 5 essential prayers together with Luke or read the Qur’an together and it’s just wholesome vibes all around man 🥺

As angels, him and Luke would have such beautiful recitations of the Qur’an and I can picture MC frequently dropping by Purgatory Hall just to listen to him recite the kalimahs with the perfect tajweed (Non-Muslims if you’d like to hear an example, check out Sheikh Mishary reciting Surah al-Kahf, it’s beautiful man 🥺)

He would frequently invite MC and Luke out for walks too and these three would look so domestic together people often mistake them as a little family (much to the brothers’ chagrin and Simeon’s amusement)

Simeon has such a calming presence that he could even tame a chaotic MC down and have her sit still enough, it will be as if she turned into a completely different person

Lucifer, in his demon form: MC STOP RUNNING AROUND YOU’RE GOING TO FALL AND HURT URSELF

MC, violently shaking like a hamster on crack: U CANT STOP ME LUCI, URE NOT THE BOSS OF-

Simeon: Hello, MC! Would you like to come and have a pleasant chat with me? ^^ 

MC, as if in a trance: ...anything for you, Beyonce

MC is such a simp for Simeon and honestly, who can blame her?

Luke

Luke was extremely happy when the two of them met

This cutie is a proud servant of God and he loves humans who loves Him as much as he does

So it comes as to no one’s surprise when he attaches himself to MC

This would heighten when MC stepped between him, Beel and Lucifer during that,,,,incident

His favourite time of the day is praying in congregation with MC and Simeon and baking with MC

MC would steer clear from involving Luke in her pranks and/or outright pranking him

He’s just a precious little child okay, MC has a soft spot for this angel

She would definitely try to tone down her chaotic energy around him, but she would NOT hesitate to verbal + cyber bully any demons that dare to bully her child

Rando demon: haha shortstack

MC: So you have chosen death

Seriously, Luke would gawk at the obscenities coming from MC’s mouth

He would have to physically drag her away before the demons could devour them both

He would be absolutely SHOOKETH at the language she used because she has been nothing but sweet and polite to him. It was like she switched into a whole different person right in front of his eyes

Luke: MC! I knew living with those horrid demons is a bad idea! They’ve corrupted you now!! *crying Luke noises*

MC: Lil buddy, I was born this way

He would definitely feel really touched that MC is so protective of him though, but he would have to tell her to never say those words again, even if she’s trying to protect him

She would (hesitantly) tell him she would try her best but that would literally only last for half a day because another demon has foolishly decided to mess with him with her present

MC is Luke’s mother point blank period.

#obey me! shall we date? #obey me! #obey me hcs #obey me scenarios #obey me x mc #obey me x muslim!mc #muslim!mc #diavolo obey me #barbatos obey me #solomon obey me #simeon obey me #luke obey me #diavolo x mc obey me #barbatos x mc obey me #solomon x mc obey me #simeon x mc obey me