#but it was pretty borderline whether to combine 3 and 4

[themattress]

My Top 15 Favorite Gotham Characters

Plus one Honorable Mention.

Honorable Mention: Silver St. Cloud - She's an honorable mention because of how tragically the show wasted her. Silver was a standout character in 2A's “Rise of the Villains” arc, as we see all the layers peeled back from whimsical, kind-hearted, well-mannered young socialite to cruel, manipulative, cold-blooded agent of an evil religious cult to vulnerable, scared and remorseful girl in way over her head who forges a real emotional connection with Bruce. However, despite all the rich potential for her to develop even further as a character, she was never seen again after the 2A finale. 

15. Tabitha Galavan - While as a character she's the very definition of a second-stringer, Tabitha is an interesting case study in what happens when a single ember of innocence is still left burning within the darkest of souls. Raised in the evil Order of St. Dumas and kept firmly under her older brother's thumb, Tabitha is certainly no angel, being the sort of person who will fatally stab an innocent old woman in the back and feel no remorse. But the desire to care and be cared for is still very strong in her, and we see it manifest many times: with Silver, and with Selina, and with Barbara, and of course with Butch. Unfortunately for Tabitha, she is also a case study in how this doesn't guarantee that such a person will receive a happy ending, as she is unable to avoid karmic justice.

14. Butch Gilzean - I didn't really care about Butch initially, since he didn't seem like anything more than Fish Mooney's affably evil muscle. After he became brainwashed into obeying the Penguin's every command, he gradually became more interesting and sympathetic, and by the time he got romantically involved with Tabitha I had become so accustomed to him and his perversely likable sort of villainy that I couldn't imagine the show without him. But maybe the show would have been better off without him after his death in the Season 3 finale, as the immediate retcon afterward of his real name being Cyrus Gold and his resurrection as Solomon Grundy in Season 4 was just nonsense, especially when he ends up just as dead in the Season 4 finale as he was in the Season 3 finale, so what was even the point? Sometimes, dead is better, and I’m sure Butch would agree.

13. Harvey Bullock - For much of Season 1 it felt like the writers were trying to play Harvey Bullock too seriously, and I think that was a mistake because the character always benefits from being played more broadly, and lord knows that Donal Logue can do that very well. Thankfully, that's exactly how he started to be played more often from Season 2 and onward, with whatever serious arcs he did receive such as in Season 4 benefiting from him being so much more likable as a result. I'd rather watch him on screen than Jim Gordon any day.

12. Leslie Thompkins - While initially kind of bland, Leslie "Lee" Thompkins is a character that grew on me overtime. I felt really sorry for her throughout Seasons 2 and 3 as Jim Gordon proved to be the worst love interest ever, bringing her no end of pain, and then in Seasons 4 and 5 she used that pain and anger to shape herself into a total badass anti-heroine who was still all about helping those in need but now was open to using less than moral means to accomplish this. She's a character who finished the show stronger than she'd ever been, and her and Barbara becoming bros is everything I never knew I needed.

11. Sofia Falcone - Sometimes, a sharp and devious mind is all it takes for someone to be a great villain, and damn did Sofia ever put hers to good use. In the comics, this was a forgettable character who was just an obvious thug in design and demeanor, but Gotham's version is terrifying in how petite and pretty and kind and charitable and all around attractive in every way she is...the perfect way to manipulate others and conceal that on the inside she's beyond just a thug; she's a raging, ruthless, vindictive, amoral sociopath who only cares about herself. And kudos to Crystal Reed, whose performance sold the character perfectly. The only real downside to Sofia is that the writers clearly were forced to write her out earlier than anticipated, and her abrupt exit from the show is nowhere close to being as satisfying as the build-up to her gaining power within the city would lead you to believe.

10. Ra's Al Ghul - As wonderful as Sofia was, there was never any question as to whom Season 4's most formidable villain was: the same villain who is the series' ultimate Big Bad, Ra's Al Ghul. Beyond the phenomenally perfect casting of Alexander Siddig, who is hands down the most comics-accurate portrayal of the character in live-action to date, Ra's benefits from the series positioning him as the final answer to the long-running "who killed Thomas and Martha Wayne?" mystery and totally being able to convince viewers that most of this series' events were according to his plans due to the self-assured, in-control and borderline omnipotent way the Demon's Head carries himself. No-one in Gotham City is left unchanged by his machinations, least of all his chosen "heir" Bruce Wayne. 

9. Hugo Strange - The Big Bad of 2B's "Wrath of the Villains" arc is in the running for the show's most despicable villain. Professor Hugo Strange is a brilliant psychologist and scientist, but he is utterly devoid of a conscience and will do anything to achieve his twisted aspirations, from ruining peoples' lives with his experiments to bringing people back from the dead to personally ordering the death of those he considers to be friends. What makes Strange enjoyable in spite of his depravity is B.D Wong's performance: he looks absolutely perfect as a younger version of Hugo Strange and his voice seems to be channeling Corey Burton's Christopher Lee-inspired take from Batman: Arkham City.  He's a much stronger villain than 2A's Theo Galavan, and tellingly got to return in every following season.

8. Edward Nygma - I really wish I could place Ed higher on this list, since the Riddler is one of my favorite Batman villains and Cory Michael Smith is perfect in the role. But sadly, he's the subject of some really weak writing throughout the show that holds him back from breaching my personal Top 5. Whether it be the constant Nice Guy(TM) hounding of Kristen Kringle, the bizarre Two Face-esque split personality angle, the ungodly stupid Isabella plot device and subsequent clashing with the Penguin because of it, his needless romance with Lee that didn't make sense for either of their characters (which wasn't helped by the fact that it happened at a time where he kept on getting made a fool of in a way that undermined how menacing he was just a season ago), and being used as an obvious red herring in the Haven explosion mystery...he really deserved better material, and it's lucky that Smith makes him so enjoyable to watch since it would otherwise drag him down much further.

7. Jerome Valeska - Cameron Monaghan's performance as Jerome single-handedly forced the Gotham producers' hands when it came to their original plans (or lack thereof) for the Joker in their series, as right off the bat he managed to perfectly capture the same maniacal energy that the likes of Mark Hamill and Heath Ledger did, meaning fans would accept no-one else in the role. While Jerome ends up being more of a test run for the actual Joker - the Beta Joker, so to speak - he still is one of the most frightening and malevolent characters in the show's entire run, spreading chaos for chaos' sake and causing pain to others just because he finds it hilarious, and doing it all in the most theatrical way possible.  

6. Jeremiah Valeska - Yes, I agree that this character's whole basis - Jerome's secret twin brother who actually becomes the Joker - and how he was introduced is unbelievably stupid writing; in hindsight it would have made more sense to just find a way to transition Jerome into this kind of characterization as part of a continued evolution toward becoming the Joker. But we're stuck with Jeremiah, and as it stands he is a much worthier Joker than Jerome was. I don't really like the Joker whenever he's written to have no motivation beyond "random crime and chaos because LOL crazy!!!" - the best Jokers always have a reason for doing what they do, it's just that it's always a twisted reason that holds no basis in reality and just serves as an excuse for the Joker to spread pain and chaos across Gotham City and match wits with Batman. (Ex: Heath Ledger's Joker may say he has no plans and just "does things" as a manipulation tactic, but in reality he does make plans and does have the tangible objective of proving his nihilistic, anarchistic worldview to everyone; Batman in particular.)

Jeremiah's penchant for intricate planning combined with the psychotic objectives that lie behind his plans is what makes him more believable as the Joker compared to Jerome, and it really felt like the show's stakes rose to an entirely new, darker than ever before level when he stepped up to the plate at the end of Season 4. I also love his development: being in denial about his own insanity and likeness to his brother until his personal obsession with Bruce overpowers that and causes him to willingly give into the madness so that he can be a worthy enough foil for Bruce as Gotham's Dark Knight, since that gives his miserable life a sense of purpose. Add to this Cameron Monaghan still pulling off that Joker energy flawlessly and you have a Joker that can stand beside Nicholson, Ledger and Phoenix's portrayals.

5. Barbara Kean - This one really took me by surprise. I knew going into the show that Barbara was considered a poorly written, irritating obstructive love interest to Gordon in Season 1, but that she got Rescued From the Scrappy Heap in the following seasons. What I didn't know was the way that rescuing happened - she goes crazy and becomes a surprise villain in the Season 1 finale, and from then on out she is freaking nuts in the most hilariously over-the-top way, with Erin Richards chewing the scenery for all it's worth. Barbara is so entertaining throughout the various guises and positions she goes through across the series, not to mention a complete badass who you just can't help but respect for being true to herself even if she's an awful human being. Her redemption arc in Season 5 was a beautiful way to bring her journey full-circle, and I don't begrudge her the happy ending she got at all.

4. Alfred Pennyworth - We're all used to Alfred the butler, but Gotham got me accustomed to Alfred the soldier. Sean Pertwee is thoroughly convincing in the role of the hard-assed, frequently grumpy or moody yet caring, loyal and dependable Alfred, whose relationship with young Bruce Wayne is perfectly depicted. The only time I didn't care for him was during 2A, where he was cruel and unfair toward Selina because she killed his treacherous war-time buddy who almost murdered him and was planning on doing harm to Bruce. Thankfully, from the midseason finale and onward he managed to redeem himself, regaining his status as one of the show's best-depicted characters and maintaining it all the way to the end.

3. Bruce Wayne - This character was always going to live or die based on what child actor was playing him, and by God did David Mazouz nail it in his performance. Even putting the dead parents and destiny as Batman aside, Bruce Wayne is clearly not a "normal" kid, being raised in the lap of luxury and privileged to the point of extreme naïveté, with an overly formal way of speaking hammering in his distance from the rest of Gotham City. Watching him grow stronger and smarter and more worldly and responsible as the series progressed was always a pleasure, and he naturally made a far more compelling protagonist than Jim Gordon did, with the show ending on the shot that it does making it even more clear that this was primarily his story all along; just one elongated origin story for the goddamn Batman.

2. Selina Kyle - For quite a while in Season 1, the teenage girl who would be Catwoman spent a lot of time just slinking around the fringes of the story and accomplishing little of value. But once she finally met Bruce, Selina's character really took off, and she ended up becoming my second all-time favorite character in the show. Aside from the strong writing and character development, much is also owed to Camren Bicondova, who is utterly charming in her depiction of the cynical, sharp-tongued, street-smart thief with a heart of gold, and she is even able to make her rushed final transition into Catwoman in Season 5 believable. And kudos to Lili Simmons who plays her in the final episode, she is perfectly convincing as an adult version of Selina, looking and sounding just as I expect Bicondova to in a few years. 

1. Oswald Cobblepot - OK, this is probably an unoriginal choice, but I can't help it - Oswald Cobblepot, aka the Penguin, is the one character on this show who just did no wrong as far as I'm concerned (as a character, I mean, he obviously did a lot wrong morally!) In addition to being the role Robin Lord Taylor was born to play, there is a consistency in the writing of his character and in the quality of his development that I think is unmatched by anyone else in the cast. Aside from that one blip in the Isabella plotline of Season 3 that I credit as more of a blemish on Ed than I do Oswald, he was always a fully three-dimensional character who acted and reacted believably, and he always stayed firmly on the line between being a heinous, ruthless, murderous criminal chiefly seeking power and a tragic, sympathetic, even funny and likable person chiefly seeking love.  And he always remained the "noble villain" when compared to the other villains around him; always the one you could count on to join the heroes and do the right thing when it counted because he's a pragmatist with moral lines he will not cross....and because he loves and believe in Gotham City too, in his own way.

#Gotham #Opinion #Analysis

[putschki1969]

「KEIKO First Live K001 ～I'm home～ 」First Impression

1.Be Yourself: Live instruments sound so much better here than in the studio version but Keiko is quite shouty and out-of-tune during some parts (mostly the chorus). Maybe not the best start but hey, I still enjoyed it. 2. 始まりは | Hajimari wa (Beginning): Better than the studio version imo but overall pretty similar. 3. Ray: Definitely better than the studio version. A lot more ooomph if you ask me. By now KEIKO is really into it and not as shouty as she was for “Be Yourself”. Unfortuantely they kept those weird electronic sounds from the studio version in the live back-up track. I had hoped they would get rid of those.

MC:She greets everyone at the venue and watching at home. She hopes we will all have a great time. Next up is a song that hasn’t been revealed yet.

4. 溜め息の消える街 |Tameiki no Kieru Machi (A Town Where Sighs Disappear): New song for the album. I like it but it’s not my favourite. From what I can make out, the lyrics are lovely though. Love the rainy vibe

MC:Keiko loves how the following song opens up wide sceneries. She has always liked that about songs so after consulting with all kinds of people, she decided to pick this song for herself even though it’s quite different from all her other songs. It’s actually the oldest song among all her pieces.

5. 茜 | Akane (Madder Red): A very traditional sound with some Chinese elements I think. Kinda like Wakana’s Kinmokusei but not quite as good imo. But still, I am blown away, such a beautiful ballad. Fits Keiko’s voice perfectly. LOVE IT (just a few tiny little off-key moments but nothing too bad)

MC: Self Introduction. 10 years of Kalafina and vocalist at YK’s lives. Some promotion for YK’s upcoming live. For the next section she wants to cover some songs that she has sung during YK lives in the past.

6. 宝石 | Houseki (Jewel): The musicians don’t do a good job here, the drums in particular sound quite out of place and borderline grating to my ears. Or is it just me? Keiko is providing lovely and solid vocals but imo they aren’t quite on par with the FJ performances I have seen in the past. 7. 風の街へ | Kaze no Machi he (Towards the Town of Wind): This one on the other hand is absolutely FLAWLESS imo, KEIKO hits every note and I just love how she chooses to sing her lines. It’s different from her old style so I don’t think you can compare it to those FJ performances from the past. But it does remind me of the more recent performance I saw during the YK live in Taiwan. The musicians also sound much more balanced here.

MC: Keiko talks about the venue being in Shibuya which is a very important place for her. She would come here weekly during her time in school since she took voice training lessons here. At one point she heard a song by Yutaka Ozaki at Shibuya Scramble Square and immediately fell in love. During her time in Kalafina she would always name him as the artist that has influenced her most. So of course she has to cover one of his songs for this live.

8. I LOVE YOU (Yutaka Ozaki Cover): This made me cr even though I have never heard this song before. You can tell KEIKO feels strongly about his music.

MC: Introduction of musicians & reading some comments Bass.目黒郁也 Ikuya Meguro (she loves his solo in Kaze no Machi he) Key.ミトカツユキ Katsuyuki Mito (he sings a bit in Hajimari wa) Gt.和田建一郎 Kenichiro Wada (Hajimari wa, Tameiki no Kieru Machi) Dr.北村望 Nozomu Kitamura (she met him at the PrincessPrincipal live)

Everyone is going crazy about Kacchan (the pianist) in the comments. She shows off her haribo gummies and M&Ms in the clear bottle. Lots of fans are having dinner while watching the live which Keiko finds super cool. She had steamed buns for breakfast. I love that she is wearing her super old boots that she used to wear back in her Kalafina-days (during live-house encores in particular). She chose an outfit in which she feels relaxed. Keiko wanted some up-beat songs for her live so the following two were chosen quite quickly.

9. エンドロール (End roll) : So the bracketed lyrics are backing vocals provided by herself. No guest vocal unfortunately. Either way, a really good song that gets everyone hyped just as promised in the tweets. Reminds me of a song but I don’t know which one. I guess this is Keiko’s “Ongaku”, maybe it even reminds me of that? 10. Change the World’s Colour: Her deep voice is back!!! Combined with a super high vibrato voice during the bridge (just wow - that singing style is gorgeous, reminds me of her singing in Sans Toi M’amie). Btw, for a second there I thought she was gonna sing “Mata Kaze ga Tsuyoku Natta”

MC: She talks about her countdown tweets where she wrote down some lyrics of the previous two songs and was teasing everyone with some hints. Keiko probably wouldn’t have chosen those two songs if it hand’t been for this live stream concert. She thanks everyone for waiting so long for her return. She is super grateful to be able to hold this live.

11. 命の花 | Inochi no Hana (Flower of Life): Stunning! As gorgeous as the studio version but much more impactful.

ENCORE: Album Release =>  December 2; It was planned for autumn but it ended up being winter. She apologises for letting us wait. Her excitement when she mentions that YK has written a song for her album and Kore-chan has provided the guitar playing is so freaking cute. She is the most precious human-being on this planet.

12. 七色のフィナーレ | Nanairo no Finale (Finale of Seven Colours): my first thought was that it sounded kinda futuristic XD Also, you can definitely tell it’s a YK song but it really fits Keiko’s solo style. Love it, a super catchy tune, the chorus in particular. And those lalalas!!! *is dead* 13.& 14 Double Encore Synchronicity & Nohara  (Venue ONLY): Wish I had been there T_T

»——————⋆◦★◦⋆——————«

Can’t wait to rewatch the archived version. My faves (in no particular order) were probably Ray, Akane, Kaze no Machi he, I LOVE YOU, End Roll, Change the World's Color, Inochi no Hana and Nanairo no Finale.

You CAN STILL BUY tickets so be sure to SUPPORT KEIKO! It’s totally worth the money. The live lasted about 1 1/2 hours, pretty short but an okay length for a first solo live I would say. The audio and video quality are great and now that the live is archived till September 13 you won’t have to deal with any streaming issues. Find my TUTORIAL here. Keiko sounded fine for the most part but occassionally she was a bit out-of-tune. She is really straining her voice with this new singing style. It’s a bit of a hit and miss I feel. But I think she will eventually figure out how to sing her songs in the best way possible. Wakana did the same thing.

Now I am gonna try to order the live goods. Will let you know whether it works or not. EDIT: Okay, I couldn’t do it since the payment needs to take place on delivery...Stupid methods from the dark ages...Need to find another way to get my hands on the goods.

»——————⋆◦★◦⋆——————«

Based on her past experiences, an original album which expresses a "new KEIKO" with various sounds will be released on December 2nd!! A special song written for KEIKO by Yuki Kajiura - a legend within the world of anisong - will be included in this album. It’s titled "七色のフィナーレ | Finale of Seven Colours" and the lyrics are written by KEIKO!! Release date： 2020/12/2  Title：to be decided 【CD Contents】 ・命の花 ・Be Yourself ・Ray ・始まりは ・七色のフィナーレ and others (a total of 10 songs)

https://avex.jp/keiko-singer/news/detail.php?id=1085854

»——————⋆◦★◦⋆——————« 

Hikaru’s reaction tweet after watching KEIKO’s live stream concert.

I had a great time filled with lots of fun and happiness. Looking forward to the album!

#kalafina #keiko #report #KEIKO First Live K001 ～I'm home～ #random thoughts #I generally LOVED it #so much fun #Keiko was so freaking cute and beautiful #and overall she sounded solid #great sound #still trying to find her dress #long text post #couple of songs are already on youtube o.O #can't people wait a little >_> #anyways #I managed to dl the live so BANZAI for that

[bespectacled-panda]

after seeing dumpywoof’s post I was inspired to do a tier list of my own!!! and boy howdy do I have some hot takes of the century it turns out,,,

the seasons are more or less organized in descending order within the same row as well (e.g. MC 4 > MC 5). also, shamefully copying dumpywoof & putting a detailed & overly verbose explanation for each season:

S Tier

Terraria 3: For me, absolutely nothing compares to Terraria 3. No other season combines such perfect participant dynamics with such heart-wrenching drama—not to mention the existence of Team New Kids who make me cry on a daily basis, or the incredible fake twist ending. It would be a sin to put this season anywhere but alone at the very top. Also props for being the only (1 of 2) post-show that actually includes all of the cast.

 A Tier

Minecraft 4: This is the best season for shenanigans alone, hands-down. It’s largely just the participants shooting the shit together, especially in the latter half of the season when it gets down to just the four of them. & I have a huge soft spot for men being wholesomely foolish together I suppose, so here it goes fhdhfhd.

Minecraft 5: To be honest, I have not seen this season since it released, which is a crime, I know, I’m sorry :orb: But I remember it being very very good, & I cannot imagine my taste will have changed that dramatically in just a few years, so. in truth, this one might be actually better than MC 4, but as I have not seen it in many years I can’t say that for certain. Either way, though, it’s definitely one of the best seasons out there.

MineZ 1: To me, MineZ 1 is the reverse of MC 4: low on shenanigans & high on drama. It’s pre-Todd era, but the editing in this one is honestly Todd-level, I would say. It’s so incredibly tense, especially the scene with McJones & PBG trying to escape the caves, and I feel like the sheer stress of it all brought out a new side of a lot of the participants, most notably Dean—who sounded genuinely agonized at times. A very very quality season all around, IMO.

Terraria 2: This season probably objectively deserves to be B tier, but I am it giving A tier for personal bias. I just,,, love the dynamics okay. Jeff & McJones especially made for a killer duo. It was a rare instance of McJones being the funny man himself rather than being the straight man to someone else’s funny man; he was super uncharacteristically goofy & almost borderline flirtatious at times, it really made for some good moments fhdhfjd. Plus then you got McJones solo commentary at the end which I greatly enjoyed. Just,, a very enjoyable season, very mid-HC era, very light & easy to watch, all that good stuff.

Diablo II: Man,,,,this absolutely 100% does not deserve A tier, I know, I’m sorry, but I just can’t bring myself to put it lower. I have A tier love for it :orb: Admittedly, the game is horrendously ugly and confusing to watch, but the shenanigans + the cast dynamics win me over in the end. Paul especially was great in this, & I hope he makes a return someday. Loving fathers Paul & Jirard with their sorceress son McJones making their way through the end-game just cannot be beaten. (Anti-shoutouts to Ross though, I don’t know anything about him, I am sure he is a lovely man, but GOD. WHY DID HE KEEP RUNNING OFF ON HIS OWN & GETTING LOST BUT THEN FORCEFULLY REFUSING HELP,,, ROSS YOU ARE THE WORST DHDHFJDJD)

 B Tier

Minecraft 7: Boy,,, this is going to be a controversial take fhhfjdjf. I just don’t know how to explain it, but something about MC7 felt,,,, Very off. I don’t know what it was, just something about the season seemed very,,, almost like you could tell things were falling apart behind the scenes, & they were trying to pull it back together but weren’t quite succeeding. It’s not a bad season in any regards, of course, I just,, don’t enjoy it nearly as much as a lot of others,, it’s missing that crucial spark of life in my opinion,, also Dean leaving to go to work was kind of strange,, I get it, it’s probably difficult to work around his real-life job,, but it felt strange,, he got like temporary immunity. Nothing like that had ever happened before I don’t think. And also they never even explained why Dean wasn’t there for like three episodes fjdjfjhd,,

Minecraft 3: God I feel like I just keep digging myself into a deeper & deeper hole here fhsjfjd,,, but man, I did like MC3 to be honest. It wasn’t the best season, it kind of went nowhere, but I liked the cast & there was a lot of good funnymoments. Smooth & Shane were very good guests who I feel like really rounded out the season, & Jontron did not come off as terribly overbearing as I believe that he has in other seasons. Overall, pretty decent, I’d say.

 C Tier

Minecraft 2: MC 2 & MC 3 are very similar, but I think MC 2 is slightly worse, both in terms of entertainment & cast. NCS & Kyrak did not hit like Smooth & Shane did,,, and I feel like just everything that happened in this one was fairly forgettable. I was torn as to whether this should be a B or a C, but I put it here in the end just to drive home that I really don’t like it as much as MC 3, I don’t believe.

Minecraft 6: Oh lord, this is a nuclear take fhdjfjd. Again, this isn’t a bad season at all, it has its good moments, especially Chad & Dodger, they are angels & I love them & want them back. But boy,,, just. Many things went wrong here. None of the twists panned out like,, at all, which I know isn’t necessarily anyone’s fault, the concept of this twist & of twists in general is very good. But it fell so flat here, especially with the revival. There was,, no debate at all about what to do. They hyped it up like they had this big decision to make, but then nobody made any effort to dramatize it at all. It was basically just Dean deciding by himself and everyone just sitting back & letting him. For the record, I have no qualms with the fact that Dodger was revived, I fully agree that she deserved it over McJones, but it was not played well at all IMO,,,      I do have to admit, though, with a fair amount of sheepishness, that the thing that most sullies this season for me is McJones’s death. Just,,, his horrible, so so avoidable, insanely early death, coupled with his retirement shortly thereafter & him becoming so jaded with hc that he expressed borderline hostility & hatred towards it just,,, hurts. I kinda don’t wanna see the events of MC 6 now knowing the aftermath. I understand fully that this particular point is not something most people care about to say the least dhfhdjd, but,,, in all honesty, I really don’t have any desire to rewatch this one, as objectively good as it might be. It was a win but it felt like a loss, if that makes sense. Also the post-show lacked all three people I actually wanted to hear from fhdjfjd neither the two people who could’ve been revived nor the actual person who did the reviving were there to share their insight & perspectives on it :pensive: 

 D Tier

Starbound: man,,, starbound. This is a very mixed bag for me. On one hand, I disagree with people who say that it was boring or that nothing happened, I found it very tense, Todd’s editing had me on edge throughout every episode. But on the other hand,,, man. Very few memorable moments, what even happened in this one,, also I feel like the game mechanics/plot weren’t explained very well, I feel like I remember being vaguely confused all the time as to what was happening. Probably will not ever rewatch either.

 Have Not Seen

DayZ: I will not ever be watching this season both because I do not know anything about DayZ & because from what I’ve heard it was an absolute disaster, I’m just not interested in getting involved in that fhdhfjdk

Terraria 1: There’s not really a reason I haven’t watched this one. Just,, I haven’t made my way down to the earliest seasons yet. Although as mentioned before, I have seen a few clips of this season, & Jontron seems to be pretty obnoxious in this one, so I don’t how much I’ll enjoy the parts with him in it, but I definitely do want to watch it someday.

Minecraft 1: The same as Terraria 1, I just happen to not have seen this one by chance. But unlike T1, I am much more looking forward to actually watching it, it seems really good, I want to experience that legendary very first season at last dhdhfjd

MineZ 2: Man,,, many things about the behind-the-scenes of this season make me sort of uncomfortable honestly. Just,,, the visceral second-hand shame & embarrassment of someone in the hc fandom being so rude & bothersome to the cast,, somehow it makes me feel personally responsible even though I didn’t do anything fhdjfj,,, Also,, once again continuing with the trend of me being saddened by McJones expressing dislike for seasons fhdjfjd,, I do recall him saying, regarding this season, something like “I think it would’ve been better if we just never did this,” which,,, ow. That doesn’t make me particularly enthused to watch it fhdjfjd. I probably will end up watching this season someday to be honest, but I’m not looking forward to feeling the cast’s frustration & unhappiness with the situation,, (EDIT: I want to be clear that there is no actual drama surrounding minez 2!!! it is a perfectly fine season, there is nothing wrong with it, it just happens that I personally am bothered by the fact that there was a lot of like,,, frustration coming from the participants regarding the player who was stalking them. this in no way means that minez 2 is an objectively bad or problematic season!! if minez 2 is your favorite season I completely respect you, there is nothing wrong with that!! there is a lot to like about the season as a whole!!! I just personally care too much about mcjones having a bad time in seasons bc it’s what ultimately led to his retirement, & that makes me sad fjdhfjdjd. but it has come to my attention that my wording made it sound like there was drama about minez 2, which there never actually was, I am very very sorry for my unintentional yet poor choice of words.)

#私がポストしたもの #about time I have a 'my own posts' tag #I hardly make them but they do exist from time to time #also god. good lord this is so long. #get me talking about pbg hc & I just won't ever stop fhdhfhdh #shoutouts to anyone who actually reads this #also again. this is by no means my opinions on objective season quality. fhshfjdj #this is just my opinions on how much I personally like & would rewatch each season

[rewatchdoctorwho]

My Top 10 Classic Series Episodes

This list was incredibly difficult to compile.  You’ll no doubt notice how many of the stories I listed as my favourites from particular Doctors are not present.  You’ll likewise notice the complete absence of a couple of Doctors from this list altogether.  Ultimately I decided to go with the stories I would automatically think of when considering different eras of the series, even if those particular stories might not be the ones I think are the best or even the ones I like the most.  Doubtless many of you will curse my name and hate me forever after reading this list, which is fair.

10. The Seeds of Doom

There are many superbly classic stories from the famous Season 13, but my personal favourite has always been “The Seeds of Doom,” one of the darkest and most horrifying tales Doctor Who has ever told.  I mean yeah, it’s more or less ripping off H.P. Lovecraft’s At the Mountains of Madness and the original Howard Hawkes version of The Thing from Another World, but it’s still wonderfully told and manages to keep the tension ratcheted up throughout all six parts, something very few stories of this time period manage to do.  The scenes in the arctic, showing a man slowly transforming into a plant monster, is still quite horrific to this day.

9. Remembrance of the Daleks

A cherished fan-favourite, “Remembrance of the Daleks” is one of the most exciting and action-packed stories of the Classic Series, and carried long-term consequences for the series as a whole and its titular character.  Never before had the Doctor seemed so powerful, so intense, and so frightening.  There are a lot of subtle hints that the Doctor, in his words, is “more than just another Time Lord,” and while these implications have been more or less overlooked in the modern series, this was the beginning of the controversial “Oncoming Storm” interpretation of the Doctor, and the story would go on to influence the legendary Time War storyline that still resonates throughout the series to this day.

8. The Keys of Marinus

Despite how much I love stories like “The Space Museum” and “The Tenth Planet,” I always find myself going back to “The Keys of Marinus,” what I consider to be the first really good Doctor Who story, and the one that is of high quality through all six installments.  I’ve always loved the structure of this story, with the first chapter introducing us to this strange planet and the challenge of the Doctor and his companions having to recover the titular keys that lie scattered across that planet. The next four chapters see us taken to four very different parts of the planet of Marinus, each with a different challenge for our heroes to overcome in their quest to collect the Keys.  This also offers the characters rare opportunities to have the screen more to themselves than usual as they pair off to pursue the Keys in different places, giving the actors a change to develop and show off their characters to greater degrees than previously afforded.

7. The War Games

What really makes “The War Games” so notable, beyond its ingeniously-written structure that keeps the dramatic tension up for the entirety of the mammoth ten-part story, is the sheer wealth of mythology the story introduces.  We learn for the first time that the Doctor belongs to an alien super-race from the planet Gallifrey call the Time Lords, a race he abandoned after stealing the TARDIS to wander the universe to both of his heart’s content.  We see the introduction of the famous Sonic Screwdriver (which is actually used to unscrew something), and witness the beginning of the Doctor’s long exile on Earth as a punishment for breaking the Time Lords’ most sacred rule of noninterference with the timeline of the universe.  Virtually the whole of the broader mythology of the series was birthed here, and watching it unfold was an unforgettable experience.

6. City of Death

When most people talk about the magic that was Tom Baker’s performance as the Doctor, scenes from “City of Death” are usually what they’ll reference.  Every Doctor Who fan worth their salt can recite the iconic “Wonderful Butler” scene from memory, and the sparkling writing combined with some truly beautiful location photography in Paris make for an endless memorable story.  The plot is a brilliant piece of melodramatic science fiction courtesy of the great author Douglas Adams, who penned many of the show’s best stories from the late 1970’s.

5. Tomb of the Cybermen

Patrick Troughton’s Second Doctor is one of my very favourites, and in no other story is everything that is wonderful about this portrayal so well displayed as the legendary “Tomb of the Cybermen.”  Aside from the beautiful photography and iconic sequences, this is the episode where the Doctor’s gentler, nobler, and wiser side is first really centre stage, which contrasts wonderfully with the titular Cybermen at their most disturbing and sinister.  I was always a fan of the Cybermen, but this story really catapulted them into my number one spot on the list of favourite Doctor Who monsters.

4. Genesis of the Daleks

This is the first story where Tom Baker really got to show us what he could do in Doctor Who, and was (in my opinion) the first step on his road to becoming the greatest Doctor of them all.  The legendary moment when he, with the future of the entire Dalek race literally in the palm of his hands, questions whether he has the right to exterminate them just as they have exterminated so many other races, is still talked about as a definitive moment for the character.  The story is notable for other reasons too.  It fully fleshed out the origin story of the Daleks, something that had only been hinted at in previous stories despite their huge popularity with fans, and introduced what I consider to be the Doctor’s greatest enemy, the megalomaniacal Davros, the father of the Dalek race.

3. The Curse of Fenric

“Curse of Fenric” might just be my favourite Doctor Who story of the 1980’s, and I pin that mostly down to the very strong direction and borderline apocalyptic themes.  It’s a prime example of how one can tell a large-scale story on a small-scale budget and location.  The elements of gothic horror, Viking mythology, transcendental science fiction and complex emotional drama are blended together seamlessly into one very pleasing package.  This is the kind of story that I would have watched over and over again as a child had I known about it then, even if I would have done so from beneath the safety of my blankets.  A real masterpiece.

2. The Caves of Androzani

For a lot of the Classic Series, the viewer has to more or less meet the program halfway. The quality of the writing, acting, directing, and especially special effects aren’t always up to the standards we have these days, but if you can overlook that, there’s still a lot of fun to be had.  “The Caves of Androzani,” however, need no such contextual crutches.  This story holds up unbelievably well even today. The plot is nuanced and sensitive without being too complex, the directing feels very modern with a uniquely strong pace and sense of immediacy, the special effects are pretty strong by Doctor Who standards, and the acting is among the finest the program has seen in the entirety of its history.  There’s not a lot I can say about this story I haven’t already spoken about at length, but considering how poor the series would get in the next couple of years following it, it’s emotional clout and thematic weight is even more remarkable.

1. Shada

“This is absolutely unfair; ‘Shada’ was never finished and surely animated reconstructions can’t count” I can hear many of you say.  Well it’s my list and “Shada” is my all-time favourite Doctor Who story.  Of course it had to be a Tom Baker story, and this story shows off everything that was good (and everything I liked best) about his time on the show.  It’s simply a delightful story that takes you into places of complex morality and science fiction madness that few other stories from the Classic Series have dared or done so well.

What I like most about “Shada” is its tone.  As we’ve seen, Doctor Who is a show than can tackle a variety of different stories, some light, some dark, some heavy, some silly.  But the kind of Doctor Who story I always liked best were the ones that sparkle, the ones that show us just how magical and delightful the Doctor’s life can be, the ones that give us the biggest sense of how wonderful travelling through the universe aboard a spacetime machine that looks like a phone booth on the outside must feel.  And “Shada” is by far the best exemplar of this in the Classic Series.  Is it the best Doctor Who story ever told?  No.  Is it the most fun?  I say yes. And if you don’t like that, well, I don’t like your tailor.

#doctor who #classic #tom baker #patrick troughton #bbc

[quarantinebreakup412081121]

Day 51:  Why did we break up during quarantine?

It was mutual, sure.  We had probably both been heading toward this decision for a while, but I was perhaps on that path for a bit longer.  It still doesn’t make this any easier for me.  I talked myself out of it countless times.  Something tiny would trigger the thoughts, “Is this really what I want?  Is this going to change?   How will this feel when it keeps happening a year from now- 2 years from now- 10 years from now?  He obviously doesn’t care about how I feel or about making me happy.”  But I’d always think about the alternative, going back to life without him.  Five years ago... It seems like a lifetime ago, a totally different world, a totally different life.  Toward the end I was more in love with the idea of him and the idea of us as a couple than I was with him.  It wasn’t a vanity thing, we rarely posted about anything relationship related on social media.  The only time he ever posted a photo of us was the day we started dating when he changed his Facebook profile picture to one that I had taken of us recently.  I’m now realizing that it was a photo I had taken; he never took photos of us together during our relationship.  In five years he never took a single photo of the two of us.  He never handed his phone to a stranger while we were out or on a trip to get a photo of us together.  He never told me to come in close so we could take a selfie together.  FIVE YEARS.  I know that some people don’t care much for photos and I’m definitely the type of person who likes to capture moments through photographs and videos because I like to revisit those moments and have those tangible pieces of my life easily accessible, whether it’s at my desk, in my phone, or in a scrapbook.  But I know no other boys who have never taken pictures of themselves with their significant others.  Many of them have at least one photo in their phone, maybe in their wallet- not super common now, but I’ve still seen it recently, or on some form of social media if they utilize any of those platforms.  The few photos he took of me fell into two categories- first, there were photos I asked him to take- with my camera or phone- for me.  I rarely did this because even though he would oblige, he clearly didn’t take any pleasure in doing it for me.  I’d resort to selfies most of the time to avoid asking him to do me that favor.  A couple times he anticipated photo ops I’d want and he’d almost sigh, “do you want a picture there?” like he was doing some massive favor.  I’d say yes, pretending that he was being considerate and pretending that it was cute and that he meant it in a sweet way, and that he really cared about it because I cared about it.  Looking back, I made those excuses for him in my head quite frequently.  I wish I hadn’t.  Second, he would occasionally take a candid photo of me- or a screenshot of a photo message- in an unflattering moment-- ridiculous.  I have no words for how that made me feel, knowing that he didn’t care for photos of us.

Back to the original point, I’m not sure that many people were even aware that I was in a relationship because I rarely saw him, we were rarely together, and when we were, he hated taking photos with me.  It was always such a chore for him.  I scarcely made requests for photos together, maybe a few a year, sometimes we’d spend the weekend together and take none at all.  I was almost scared to ask.  It wasn’t that I was scared of him blowing up or anything, but I didn’t like being made to feel like I was making an immature, childish, or ridiculous request.  He most frequent expression when responding to me in many situations was a strange combination of annoyed, confused, and borderline disgusted at times.  The situations rarely warranted it as they were usually about everyday topics that were as uncontroversial as they could get.  I chalked it up to that just being part of his personality and tried not to take it personally, but I always did; how could I not?  We broke up on April 1, 2020.  Some April Fool’s joke, right?  If only it were.  I don’t think anybody even noticed.  Like I said, we rarely talked about our relationship on social media or in life in general, and there was virtually no evidence of it beyond our first year together.  The handful of times I posted photos of us together, he didn’t always approve tags for them to show up on his profile.  That was just insane to me.  They weren’t embarrassing photos, nothing was wrong with them, I guess he just didn’t want too much of us on his profile.   Hurtful.  But I took it and moved on.  When I did ask, he said it was because there were a lot of similar ones, but two that were taken at the same location were approved, and one that was taken at a temple we visited was not approved (he doesn’t believe in God, I respect that, and I do-- I’m not super religious, but it was a cool tourist spot and a very pretty photo op.)  I suspected that maybe there were some other underlying motivations behind that decision, but I didn’t question it any further because it wouldn’t have been very constructive.  From that point on, I never tagged him in another photo of us again.  I only posted about 4 or 5 over the next 3 years.  We went on a trip for a week, and in total I had 5 photos of us together.  The rest were ones I took of myself, selfies, self-timed photos, etc.  Once, I added a photo and told him that I was adding it but that I didn’t tag him and said he could tag himself if he wished, and it was totally up to him.  I’m sure you’ve already guessed that he didn’t tag it.  Because why would he want his friends and acquaintances to see more of us?  Why would he want to see more of us?   It hurt, but I chalked that up to just being part of his personality and the way he did things.

It’s been nearly 2 months since we officially broke up and I don’t feel like any of this is real.  I don’t know how to comprehend my life moving on without him being a part of it.  He wasn’t a terrible human being, but he was not a great boyfriend for 4/5 years of us being together.  Why did we stay together for so long and why does it hurt so much now?  Because we did have a lot of happy times together and he had his moments where he was very sweet, and knowing that those moments are gone and will never be mine again hurts.  But what hurts more is thinking back to those times and trying to figure out why those moments were so rare.  I know that his behavior wasn’t a result of anything but his own choices, but the questions of what I did wrong and why I wasn’t enough for him to make more of an effort are ones that are constantly running through my mind every single day.  It hurts to constantly feel like I’m not worthy of romantic love, not even from someone like him.  I know that’s totally irrational, but it’s there and I can’t seem to work past that.  Breaking up during quarantine has made it so much more unbearable.  I have my family and my dogs and they are incredible, but being at home all day every day with no distractions, no hangouts with friends, no dinner dates, no Starbucks dates, no movies...  My focus is entirely on the relationship falling apart.  I have good days... but many of them come crashing down when my mind plays games with me and decides to make me miss him.  And I do.  We decided to try to remain friends.  I’m not sure that it will be feasible long term.   He’s been able to quickly distance himself from the relationship and appears to be totally fine and unaffected by all of this... but he’s never been communicative, not even when we were together.  I had to almost beg him to talk to me at times.  No, most of the time.  But he’d say that I’m the talker and he likes to listen so that’s why we work.  Once again, I chalked it up to being part of his personality.  I never should have let that slide for so long.  That was one part of our relationship that was crushing to me for probably 4.5 out of our 5 years together.  I never would have gotten into the relationship if he’d exhibited anything remotely close to that behavior when we met and started dating.  Everyone is a little different when they first start dating, first impressions and all of that, but they’re not supposed to pull a total 180.  I thought it would work.  I thought he loved me.  Now I don’t know what to think or what to do most of the time.  I’m sure this will pass.  That’s what he said said to me pretty callously when we broke up and that’s what the few people I’ve told about the breakup have said to reassure me.  They mean well and I appreciate them so much, but I can’t quite bring myself to that realization yet.  I don’t know how much time it will take, but I know it’s definitely more than 51 days because I’m nowhere close to being okay yet.

#breakup #quarantine breakup #quarantine #breaking up in quarantine #apocalypse2020 #quarantine 2020 #relationships #series #reflection

[amphtaminedreams]

Mental Health Awareness Week: My Story

Hi to anyone who’s reading this!

My name is Lauren and this is my first personal post on my Tumblr (which I’m using because I am a granny who can’t be arsed to work out the basics of Wordpress). My intention in making this blog was ultimately to talk about mental health and fashion and things that interest me and I suppose I knew that ultimately I was going to make a post like this but I just didn’t realise it would be so soon. But then Theresa May lit up Downing Street and it was Mental Health Awareness week and Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness month and I realised, best to just get this out of the way before I can start making excuses to put it off until the end of time. It’s a hard post to make because I don’t exactly know who the audience will be; I’m writing it for the mental health community and anybody who’s interested in what Borderline Personality Disorder is/looks like but I’m also conscious of the fact that one day my family and friends and even potential employers could be reading this. How much detail am I supposed to go into? A lot of people still feel uncomfortable discussing topics like this; they start seeing you a different way when they know you suffer from a mental illness, even though you’re the same person you’ve always been. It’s also hard to know where to start when I’m talking about my mental health. I feel like other posts of a similar nature tend to have a clear start, beginning, and end. A clear cause or inciting incident, one self-explanatory, well-understood diagnosis, and a clear pathway to recovery. I don’t have a single, defining trauma I can pinpoint anything to, and I don’t think I have complex PTSD (which is often conflated with BPD but as I understand it, not always the same thing). I have a family history of mental illness and a series of less significant events that in hindsight might have affected me more than I originally thought, but until I became able to think about concepts such as “mental health” and self-image and relationships in the abstract, I believed that I generally had a pretty happy childhood. My family did their very best and they loved me and we always had a roof over our heads and food on our plates. When I did start to conceptualise my mental health, I kind of thought of it as a wave of depression and insecurities and anxieties that hit me when I was in my early teens. I think this is the same for a lot of people. Only when I got a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (which I will shorten to BPD for the purpose of making this easier to read, lol!) in October 2018 did I question that.

I’ve done a lot of questioning since I got the diagnosis, the same kind of questions that make this post hard to write. Am I really that ill? Am I not just being dramatic? Do I have any right to feel like this given the privilege I have? When in reality, this deep-rooted gut instinct to doubt who you are and what you have a right to feel is an intrinsic part of BPD.

There are 9 key symptoms involved in the disorder, 5 of which must be experienced to a degree that is severe enough to affect your day to day functioning in order to receive a diagnosis. My formal assessment which took place during my stay at an inpatient psychiatric ward in October 2018 revealed I was just on the cusp of receiving a diagnosis; in 5 of the 9 categories I scored highly enough that the symptom was impairing my ability to function, thus I only just qualified (lucky me!). That’s what mental illness is really, a collection of ingrained and/or inherited behaviours that are inhibiting one’s day to day life. With regards to BPD, these 9 behaviours or symptoms are as follows:

1. Fear of abandonment (check).

2. Unstable relationships.

3. Unclear or shifting self-image (check).

4. Impulsive, self-destructive behaviours (check).

5. Self-harm (check). 

6. Extreme emotional swings (check).

7. Explosive anger.

8. Dissociative experiences (check).

9. Chronic feelings of emptiness (check, check, CHECK).

See, when the diagnosis was first suggested to me informally by a community mental health nurse in June of 2018, I was a bit like…what?! That can’t be me! I don’t have outbursts (it’s okay if you do and you’re working on it)! I don’t scream and throw things (again, okay if you do and are working on it)! And I’m definitely not manipulative (any person can be manipulative so I don’t even know where this one comes from)! That was, like, all I knew about BPD. Stereotypes. Think Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction type bullshit, we’re talking the woman that coined the phrase bunny boiler. I didn’t know that BPD can present in a million different ways, based on the person who’s suffering with it, because I thought BPD was the person. The widespread consensus on BPD isn’t the most humanising. So I hope me explaining how it’s affected my life and the way its presented itself over the years helps in turning the tide, which so many amazing people have already begun to do by sharing their stories. My aim is to do the same.

I’ve had a lot of time to think about the areas in which BPD has affected my life since my formal assessment, in which I felt I learnt a lot more about the disorder. In particular, the idea that I was always this happy child that got hit by a wave of inexplicable, crippling depression once I hit my teenage years. I remember during the assessment, the doctor asking me to talk about my early relationships and it kind of struck me at that moment that I’d been going through this pattern of switching between extreme attachment towards versus extreme devaluation of my relationships with the closest people in my life for as long as I could remember. My first real best friend of several years basically stopped speaking to me (and in hindsight, I do not blame her, lmao!) when we were about 12 because I can only imagine she was sick of me either picking a fight or desperately seeking her reassurance every time she dared to hang out with another friend. I remembered how it felt when she did choose to spend time with somebody else rather than me: “oh my god, she likes them more, she finds me boring, she hates me and she doesn’t want to be friends with me anymore! Everything’s over! I’ll never find anyone who loves me like she does because why would they? I can’t go on with my life until I know that she isn’t going to leave me!”. I think at that age, everyone has that shrill inner voice that doesn’t exactly consider logic or react in the most sensible way, but instead of my shrill inner voice going away, it just faded to more of a constantly niggling monotone that continued to affect the way I behaved around other people for years to come. This was just one of the signs that things weren’t as they should be from an early age. I think I was around 13 when the Child Adolescent Mental Health Services (otherwise known as the dreaded CAMHS), whom my parents had initially got me referred to for sleeping problems, diagnosed me with generalised anxiety and social phobia. Social phobia, despite this being its DSM name, is more commonly known as social anxiety. This came about after I had undergone successful CBT for said sleeping problems and thought I’d just drop it in, as you do, that basically, every social interaction felt like I was putting on a desperate show to keep the few remaining people left in the theatre from walking out. I told them that school was emotionally exhausting me. Whilst after the first couple of rocky years of transitioning from primary to secondary school I had developed a close group of friends, I still felt like aside from the closet few of them, absolutely nobody liked me. That was definitely true of some people, but likely not to the extent I envisioned it. I had come to feel, I suspect due to a combination of genes and a few environmental factors, like I was inherently unloveable and annoying, and even though I’m in a good place right now, these are things I continue to struggle with. When you’ve believed these things for so long, to act according to them is second nature.

The thing about BPD is that it’s hard to determine what is a co-morbidity and what is part of The Disorder™. I’m still not quite sure whether my social anxiety was in and of its own issue or if it was driven by the borderline symptom of fearing abandonment. Even recently, during a period of relative stability, I went back to my GP about dysmorphic thoughts concerning my body and appearance as I believe they go beyond the threshold of what is to be expected as part the unstable self-image facet of BPD. Whilst I can accept, for example, that the self-harming and binge eating I began indulging in around the same time I received my anxiety diagnoses were my way of coping with the mood swings and chronic feelings of emptiness I was also experiencing (get me working in the checklist of symptoms here, I imagine this is how film writers feel when they namedrop the movie in the characters’ dialogue), I have a feeling the image issues I have would exist regardless of the influence of the unstable self-image part of BPD. I mean, would perfectionism alone take me to the extremes of punishing myself for missing out on all A*s by an A or two at GCSE and A-level, forcing myself to do a degree I had no particular interest in just because the university was in the single digits in the international league tables, or at one point eating only apples for 10 days until I could barely stand up because I wanted to look like those girls on 2013 emo black and white Tumblr? Probably not. But you don’t need to have an unstable self-image to latch onto the idea that only the very best will do in today’s world, lol (typed with a totally straight face)! Yeah, if the niche that is socialist twitter has taught me anything it’s that, that’s like, late-stage capitalism for you. It’s hard to look at myself and know what is a good quality, or just a character trait, and what is disordered. I think when you call a mental illness a personality disorder, the people who are labelled with it are inevitably going to have that problem.

Surprising absolutely no-one, trying to fit into these ideals I had created and emotionally detaching myself from my friends and family didn’t do any good for my wellbeing. I gave into self-destructive impulses with increased frequency and as I went into sixth form and drifted even further away from the few people I did feel close to, I began to experience derealisation (not depersonalisation, though this is something a lot of people with BPD do experience). This would come under the dissociative experiences symptom of the BPD. It was like my eyes were glass windows and I was just watching life unfold in front of me from the other side. It’s not as if I didn’t have control of my actions, I did, I threw myself into revision, but it all just felt slightly unreal, like I was going through the motions, almost robotically, detached from everyone around me. Everything was muted. Generally, I find that my mood swings between 5 different states: lethargic depression, extreme distress, anxious irritability, an almost mania like sense of confidence and purpose, and a more pleasant calmness. The best way to explain how I experience this switch is that I can almost physically feel the gear of my brain shift, with this change of energy then flowing down to the rest of my body. My thoughts take on a different tone of voice, my body feels heavier, or if I’m going up, it’s like I can feel electricity running and crackling through me. It can happen in a split second, and it can be random, though often it’s triggered by something as small as a phone call or how much I’ve eaten. If multiple plans fall apart at the same time, it can be enough to make me angry at the world and distrustful of everyone in my life, closed off and weighed down. However, back when I was experiencing this derealisation, I remember only really switching back and forth between feeling numb and feeling passively suicidal; I feel like I lost my teenage years to this big, grey cloud of meh-ness that fogged up my brain and obfuscated my ability to regularly feel any positive emotion. To use a cliche, there was this void inside of me that nothing would fill and I had learnt that trying to use relationships to do this was dangerous for me because without sounding melodramatic, it hurt too much when I felt they weren’t reciprocating my love (what a John Green line, lmao).

My fear that people didn’t like me morphed into paranoia that even the people I was supposed to be friends with were ridiculing me the second I left the room; please don’t laugh when I say my greatest pleasure during this time was to go home at lunchtime to avoid having to spend an hour sat with them so I could eat Dairy Milk Oreo, nap and listen to The Neighbourhood (careful, don’t cut yourself on that edge!). I put on a lot of weight due to binge eating, would often leave sixth form early or skip it altogether, and saw my GP, who reestablished my anxiety diagnoses now with an exotic side order of depression. When it comes to NHS services where I live, I’ve kind of won the postcode lottery. There’s a large, conservative elderly population which I’m assuming is the reason our area receives a lot more funding than other, debatably more deserving other areas, and this meant that along with prescribing me the first of many SSRIs I was to try, I was also referred back to CAMHS. I’d been discharged from them about 2 years prior, and what had back then been about a 1 or 2-month waiting list to be seen had doubled in longevity since. I say I won the postcode lottery because, in a lot of places, it’s not uncommon for people to still be waiting to be seen by their local mental health team over a year after they’re first referred. Even so, the help I was offered was very minimal; I met a counsellor once every couple of months that didn’t really specialise in any particular kind of therapy and would kind of just talk at me for the hour I saw her. This was in spite of me expressing suicidal feelings and regularly self-harming.

That being said, by the time I left sixth form, I had finally found an SSRI that worked to blunt the intensity of my social anxiety. I was attending my “perfect” university with my “perfect” grades and (prepare yourself for the twist of the century) I finally managed to get my lazy arse to the gym, and get to that “perfect” weight. I was forming emotional connections with people for the first time in years. On a shallow level, in my first year of uni, things were finally beginning to look up, and yet I was experiencing worse mood swings than ever, becoming more dependent on drugs and alcohol to function through these, and throwing myself into intense friendships where anything less than utmost enthusiasm on the other end of the relationship would send me back into that “oh my god, I’ll never make another friend in my life, I’ll always be alone, I can’t deal with this, the only way to deal with this pain is to end it!” mode. I don’t know why things got so drastic so suddenly. Maybe it was being away from my parents, or maybe it’s just that late teens/early twenties are a time when negative emotions do tend to get more serious after being repressed for years and consequently accumulating. The whole having to be the smartest person in the room to maintain a sense of self shtick was also taking a bit of a hit because university is bloody hard and everyone’s bloody smart and bloody passionate and here I was not even understanding what the assigned reading was trying to say let alone having any brilliant ideas about it to contribute; I was so quiet in one of my seminar groups the lecturer forgot I existed in a class with a grand total of 9 students. Big fish in a little pond to little fish in a big pond syndrome or maybe just more simply put, imposter syndrome, is a real thing and when you struggle with your identity anyway, it’s enough to throw you off completely. I finished that year with a first but I told myself it probably wouldn’t happen again. A couple of days later, feeling shit and overwhelmed, I did what I’d taken to doing to manage my emotions, and got high. The delusional episode ended me up in A&E for self-harm, and when they let me go the next day, I travelled back to my family home and pretended nothing was wrong.

The whole “act like everything’s fine” approach doesn’t work in the long term. 10/10 would not recommend. Without my parents around, when I went back to uni in September, everything fell apart again. I was using drugs every day, either not eating at all or binge eating, self-harming, binge drinking regularly, skipping all my lectures. Honestly, when I think back to that time it’s like I’m watching myself from outside my body. I was feeling very done with the dumpster fire (how very American of me) that was my brain. I was done with the constant 100mph up and down internal monologue. I was done with trying to cope and to hold myself together. I intentionally overdosed multiple times and after one sent me to A&E, my dad brought me home from university. It was a horrible shock for my parents: they knew I was a worrier that could be a little closed off and miserable sometimes, and they were the ones who’d first taken me to CAMHS when I was younger, but they’d struggled with that, and so from then on I’d tried to keep my issues to myself. To be honest, I don’t blame them at all for not realising anything was drastically wrong. I did a pretty good job of hiding my problems; everyone had their own things to deal with and so I became quite adept at internalising my feelings and acting “inwards” rather than outwards. It was also definitely a case of things escalating whilst I was away. With all this in mind, the overdose kind of came out of nowhere for them, but I was so detached from reality I didn’t even consider this at the time. Thankfully, I can’t really remember how they actually reacted either. Benzodiazepines do that to you, a little tidbit of information that all these teen rappers and social media personalities hyping up Xanax fail to mention. I think my dad made the decision to bring me home rather than have me stay in hospital in London, as was offered, because he thought that would be better for me. However, a few days later, after numerous, distressing visits from the crisis team (another name that will be regrettably familiar to anyone who has experienced severe mental health problems before), where I can only assume a lack of time and recourses on their part forced me to repeat what had happened over and over again to the revolving door of staff members, I took another overdose. I had become paranoid that they were out to get me and falsely believed that I was too much of a burden on my family, who were having to take time off work to look after me. This time from A&E, I went on to stay in a psychiatric ward where I was given the formal diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder I mentioned earlier. And it’s here that my life changed forever, I believe for the better.

It changed my life for many reasons. Firstly, it was incredibly validating. To learn that I didn’t have a plethora of different problems but rather one problem, the different facets of which can present themselves in many different ways and affect multiple areas of your life, was so, so reassuring. It not only gave me a clear treatment path but helped me to understand that there was a reason all this was happening. Additionally, the events forced me to open up to my parents and for them to grasp the severity of the situation. After all these years, I finally felt like I had a support system. My parents had always been there before but I had emotionally distanced myself from everyone, and being a “typical teenager” I believed they didn’t understand me (get that angst). I think in retrospect they didn’t understand me because I wasn’t using the right words. I didn’t want to sound dramatic so whenever I spoke to either of my parents about how I felt, I downplayed it a lot. My mum, who works so incredibly hard and has a lot on her plate herself, had a tough upbringing so her approach to me being miserable was pretty much telling me to be grateful for what I had. Had she known what I was really getting at, I know that she wouldn’t have reacted like this to what I was saying. The minute I got my diagnosis, she went out and bought every (mildly offensively titled) book on how to support someone with BPD out there and I learnt today has even been trying to bring an emphasis on mental health into her workplace! She is a wonderful person.

With all this being said, my main piece of advice for other people who are newly diagnosed with BPD or just suffering from any kind of mental health condition is to be brutally honest with the trusted people around you about what you’re dealing with. It will be uncomfortable but I can promise it’ll be worth it. With something like BPD, having a support system who know exactly what you’re dealing with, minus the vagueness and the bullshit, is so, so important. I say this because, despite Theresa’s green lights, neither she nor her party are doing much in the way of providing the funding for professional help. When I first came out of hospital, I had a lot of nights where I felt incredibly depressed, almost as depressed as I did before I went in. Prior to my family knowing about my BPD diagnosis, I would have dealt with these feelings in unhealthy ways but this time, I could go to my mum and stay with her and just cry it out until the feeling passed. That is also a useful sentiment to remember, that the feelings will pass. It’s in the nature of BPD to swing around, when I’m not experiencing a period of depression, and that’s something I find it helpful to remember. I personally really like the Youper app to track my moods because when I do get suicidal, feel anxious or wired, I have something to look at objectively to remind myself that I did feel like this before, in fact, I felt like this yesterday, but a few hours later I told the app I felt okay again. It also helps you to dissect your irrational thought processes and identify “thinking traps”. Meditation, ASMR and CBD are big parts of my life and stability, though I would recommend doing some research into the latter before trying it yourself.

On a less subjective, more physiological level, I notice that my medication really aids my emotional stability; when I have been off it, my mood swings are a lot more intense. So whilst medication isn’t for everyone, it can be something to consider talking to your GP about to see if it could be beneficial for you. Another help is the DBT skills course I completed in March, DBT being the abbreviation of dialectical behavioural therapy, the treatment specifically developed for BPD by Marsha Linehan. If you have time, she’s a great person to do some research into. She herself was diagnosed with what doctors called an “incurable” case of BPD yet she’s gone on to do the most incredible things and help so many people also suffering from the disorder. Not only did DBT provide me with a skill set of more functional coping mechanisms for both interpersonal insecurities and individual struggles, but I liked the fact that once a week I got to be with a group of people who really understood what I’m dealing with and didn’t judge. Even if you can’t find a DBT group, it’s worth checking to see if there are any mental health peer support groups in your area for this reason. I found that being around people who are dealing with similar issues helped me to see my own struggles more objectively; it reminds you that what you’re experiencing is not about you personally and that whilst you may feel isolated, you’re not. The world hasn’t got it out for you. It’s a condition that many people experience. In terms of the feelings of emptiness BPD causes, I have found that since my diagnosis, I’ve actually had more of a sense of purpose in life. On a practical level, having therapy along with a year out of uni and the presence of a constant support system has had me time to get back into writing properly. What I’ve found to be even more rewarding, however, is my participation in the online mental health community.

Something I wasn’t made aware of prior to my diagnosis was the amount of stigma there is still towards mental health issues, Borderline Personality Disorder especially. It really is one of the most demonised mental health issues in and outside of the healthcare system and that’s a hard fact to learn, because it’s a difficult enough condition to learn to manage already without knowing that there are people out there who think you’re a monster for it and are going to judge everything you do through a certain lens. Whilst we are a lot more accepting as a society of conditions like depression and anxiety, conditions such as bipolar, schizophrenia and personality disorders are still greatly misunderstood by wider society who have largely taken their understandings of these illnesses from ill-informed media portrayals and shallow, surface-level observations of a sufferer’s behaviour. I doubt the name “personality disorder” helps matters; it’s hardly the most flattering description of what we’re dealing with I’ve ever heard. I’ve found that even mental health professionals and other mental illness sufferers have a negative bias towards BPD. There’s a widespread view that we are dangerous, manipulative individuals who choose to be difficult and act erratically, that our behaviour is not “organic” like that produced by other mental health problems. I have no idea where the latter assumption comes from. Most experts on the condition tend to agree that the mood swings, impulsive, destructive behaviour, and irrational thinking originate in the hypothalamus and come from a faulty fight-flight response or other atypical brain structures; in other words, BPD has a biological basis. Whilst I agree that we can learn to change our coping mechanisms, the idea that they are as a result of anything other than pure desperation and mental anguish is incredibly puzzling and dehumanising. Simply looking the causes of the condition up online or doing a small amount of research from a credible source debunks all the common BPD stereotypes, yet people like to speak about it as if they know everything about the condition just because they’ve heard a few horror stories. There are nasty people in the world. Some of them have BPD, but that doesn’t mean everyone with BPD is a nasty person, and the bottom line is that most people suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder will hurt themselves before they hurt anyone else. We are so hypersensitive to any changes in our relationships in the first place that the last thing we want to do is damage them. When we say something feels like the end of the world, that’s because the emotional dysregulation part of BPD really makes it feel like it is. We’re not being dramatic or trying to get your attention. In fact, I can say for certain that despite feeling this way on a daily basis for about 7 years, I rarely actually voiced the sentiment. I still don’t. But I should be able to. To give the example of one person suffering from physical illness and one suffering from a mental illness, where both publicly talk about the pain they’re experiencing, why is only the latter of the two called an attention seeker? If the former tweeted about how much pain they were in, nobody would bat an eyelid. Why is this? When so many people experience mental health problems? When the gender who are typically expected by society to repress their feelings accounted for over 70% of suicide victims in the UK last year? It’s clear that keeping our feelings to ourselves and suffering in silence doesn’t do us any good, so why are so many so eager for us to continue doing so? I think being open about mental health simply needs to be normalised, and that once it is, hopefully, this sentiment will die out. I find that by being open about my mental health on social media (still quite selectively, I must admit! I can’t see myself making a post about BPD on Facebook any time soon!) has given me a sense of purpose because I do feel like I’m helping to normalise this kind of honesty. With regards to the stigma that surrounds BPD specifically, I feel that my presence online and my support of others helps to show that we’re just human beings who are struggling, not the awful mythos that surrounds us.

To finish, one of my main goals in my recovery is to be more compassionate to myself. BPD is a hard enough diagnosis to have without constantly internally doubting and questioning it. I find that as the months go by, I am feeling more and more stable, and this leads me to question if I was ever sick, especially since I only displayed 5/9 of the borderline traits in the first place, which meant that I only just met the diagnostic criteria. I don’t have psychotic rage or complete blackouts and tend to act inwards rather than outwards. I am what is considered within the mental health community to be a “quiet” borderline. I know theoretically that this doesn’t make my condition any less valid, but for this reason, part of me fears moving towards being “well”. Because if I’m well, then I feel like I’ve lost part of an already fragile identity. Of course, I’d rather not have BPD. But because I’ve been expressing symptoms for so long, I worry what’s left of me without it. At the same time, I fear going back to a place where my BPD is so severe that I have to go back to hospital. So really, it’s like you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. It’s a double-edged sword. Is that enough cliches? The thing that I wish more people could understand is that mental illness in itself is traumatic and that even when you’ve moved on, what you experienced will always be a part of you. You still need that support. I’m not going to lie, resisting the urge to indulge in old coping mechanisms and habits is hard, and whilst the sense of pride I feel every time I don’t, or every time I use responsibly something I’m used to abusing is rewarding, there are days where waiting for the need to use them to pass is very long and very hard. I need to stop telling myself that just because I am feeling better than I did, I don’t deserve that support anymore. I do. I still deserve compassion. I still deserve a safety net. I still deserve a sense of understanding from the people around me. I deserve all of it, as does everyone else. I also deserve to be proud of how far I’ve come already instead of berating myself for not having come far enough. As I write this I haven’t self-harmed in 169 days, have been at my current job for coming up to 6 months, have an interview for a psychology course at the uni I came to love in a week’s time. I’m finally somewhat healthily managing my weight for the first time in years! I have also decided that once I do return to university, my reason for being there is not contingent on me maintaining firsts; my mental health, and what I do with the degree is much more important. I would ultimately like to go into clinical psychology and do as much as I can in that area to help people going through similar issues. With the current state of the mental health (and healthcare, in general) system in the UK, it’s definitely easy to get disheartened that the services it provides will never be adequate due to funding issues. However, in the meantime, I think the more of us with lived experience that can get into mental health care, the better the service that eventually is provided can be. Every week I’m thinking of new things I’d like to research once I have the footing, epigenetic and intergenerational trauma and the use of psychedelics and the benefit of peer support groups. There’s always a way to turn the negative into a positive, even if it takes time to learn how to do so and I think after all these years, I’m finally getting the hang of it. If my brain has been a “dumpster fire” for the last however many years, then I don’t want to let the ashes go to waste. I’m going to make them into some really morbid confetti! As I sit here writing this, I can firmly say I am happier than I’ve ever been. Game of Thrones is pissing me off (might do a post how identity and attachment issues lead to a correlation between BPD and obsessive character fixations at some point because BOY has that been driven home to me this week!) but tomorrow I’m going to an ABBA party with uni friends, Yvie Oddly is smashing drag race, and my cat is lying next to me purring. It gets better. The hard days become less frequent and they get easier to cope with too; you can learn to ride the waves and find reasons to continue doing so, regardless of how tiring it might be sometimes.

My pipe dream for this time next year is that we have people in government who really care about the invisibly ill of this country. That Downing Street can do more than turn green. I hope that we get to see more realistic and sympathetic portrayals of BPD in the media that draw attention to the issue without glamourising or romanticising it and that we get more portrayals of queer, disabled and POC experiences of mental illness too as it’s not just skinny caucasian girls that deal with this shit! Most importantly, I also hope that I continue to flourish, and wish the same for everyone struggling with mental illness/any kind of turmoil. Anybody who reads this ’til the end, wow! Thank you! It was a bit of an essay but what do you expect coming from an ex-history student and wannabe author, lol! Please let me know if there is something you’d like to see me post about on this Tumblr, such as any specific BPD symptoms and how they might present, how I deal with social anxiety and body image, or even anything completed unrelated to mental health! God knows I love the sound of my own…prose? Is that the right word to use?

I hope you enjoyed reading!

Lauren x

#mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth #borderline personality disorder #borderlne #bpd #bpdrecovery #social anxiety #socialphobia #bpdprobz #body dysmorphia #recovery #addiction

[donnerpartyofone]

#3

I don’t ever remember feeling good. I don’t mean to say that I’ve never had moments of happiness, that I don’t love my friends, that I regret getting married; I’m not denying that I’ve had the opportunity to pursue passions in life, or that I feel incredibly lucky to have led my privileged life. I mean that I wanted to kill myself when I was a really little kid. I suffer from an incredibly detailed long term memory that goes back before I reached the age of two, and what I remember about childhood is the scathing heat of embarrassment, itching under a layer of cold sweat, revulsion at the hideousness and impracticality of my own body, horror at a world that was ugly, dirty, cheap, boring and airless, a world that was all these things and that required mandatory participation, a factory that makes nothing. I vacillated between mindless rage, and violent sobbing, which I indulged on purpose in pursuit of catharsis. There wasn’t much that I wanted, because everything seemed so repulsive. The main thing was that I wanted to be left alone, and unseen. Each morning I would wake up gripped by panic, because I knew that once I left my bedroom to come to breakfast, everyone was going to look at me. It would take me what felt like hours to work up the nerve to open the door, and when I did I would begin to scream “DON’T LOOK AT ME! DON’T LOOK AT ME!” like a toddler version of Frank Booth. It’s pretty hilarious to think about, but the truth is that I still feel like doing that every time I show up somewhere.

My earliest memory is of my mother trying to take my picture. It took place in an apartment I couldn’t exactly place, so at first I thought it must have been a dream. I was very little, but I understood enough about what the camera meant--that I was being stared at. I turned away, and was repositioned; then I tried to run away. My mother chased me, increasingly infuriated, until I was cornered behind the hilariously prison-like bars of my crib, where she could photograph me whether I liked it or not. I eventually found the resulting picture of myself agonizing behind the crib, confirming that I remembered being about one-and-a-half, living in an apartment before the house I grew up in. The memory serves as something like a metaphor for everything I have been afraid of--helplessness, captivity, surveillance, and of course, my mother.

There is no doubt that I had a serious chemical problem that caused my catastrophic rages and suicidal ideation, even so early in life. (I would find out about that...well, just a few years ago) But, lest I fall into the trap that therapy so often creates--the belief that everything that is wrong with you is within your own power to change, that sadness and anger are only the result of your own bad attitude, which just needs an adjustment--I have to admit that there is something within all this about my mother. I have traditionally categorized this particular woe as a void of maternal relationship. My mother and I “didn’t get along” or “didn’t really relate”, and then before I was old enough for us to have our first adult conversation, she was dead. As I teased out some anecdotal details of our absence from each other’s lives with my first therapist, that doctor once started one of our sessions by blithely declaring, “So you say your mother hated you!” Actually I never said that, but thanks for illuminating things so brightly, you...fucking asshole. Ironically, one of the things I didn’t like about this young, attractive, waspy therapist was that her Kelly Bundy-ish work attire made it impossible for me to bring up any anxieties I had around my own attractiveness, or my alienation from the rest of my gender. The alienation from the rest of my gender that had certainly begun with my alienation from my mother.

I don’t remember a single nurturing, initiatory experience with my mother. I had my first period young, and when I naturally went to her for help--well, to be fair, I probably told her that I more or less understood how things went, but I still think we probably should have had a longer conversation than just her telling me not to flush maxi pads down the toilet, and coolly dismissing me. I remember the first time I tried on makeup, her makeup of course; as soon as she spotted me, she asked “Are you wearing makeup?” in this razor sharp tone, and scowled at me until I followed her unspoken instruction to go to the bathroom, wash my face, and send myself to my room. Again, no further discussion of makeup, clothing, or general womanhood issues ensued. Similarly, I remember a day when I had become just old enough to pick out some of my own clothes. We went shopping for underwear, and every model she suggested, I just wanted in black. I didn’t realize what kind of rage this was stoking in her until she suddenly snapped, “DON’T YOU WANT ANYTHING OTHER THAN BLACK?” and spun away from me. I had no idea what rule I was breaking to deserve this, although the truth is that probably some primitive part of me understood that it was kind of a sexual problem. In the following years I developed into a huge comic book nerd, spending almost all my time copying what I didn’t really know were pretty sleazy pinup images of female characters out of X-Men comics. I had an inkling that these were sort of horny-looking, but I was really attracted to the drawings, which were heavily cross-hatched and compulsively detailed, according to the predominant style of the '90s. That kind of intense, microscopic linework has always attracted me, and one day I stupidly asked my mother, an artist herself, what she thought of a certain drawing I was studying. Most unfortunately, it was of the White Queen, a really idiotic character whose costume is essentially lingerie. What really interested me about it was the linework, but my hopes of discussing art were dashed when my mother spat “I THINK IT’S BORDERLINE PORNOGRAPHY!” and promptly stormed off. That probably would have been a pretty good time for her to talk with her insecure, confused eleven year old girlchild about feminism, body positivity, or any of the other facts of being a woman that I desperately needed to hear. I didn’t get any of that either when, around the same time, I started trying to talk to her about feeling fat and ugly, and she just threw a diet book at me. When I remember my mother, I most immediately remember the back of her head.

This all makes my mother sound like some sort of tyrannical throwback housewife, but none one would have told you that about her. Mom was “cool”. A playfully subversive hippie painter from Brown who loved kitsch and camp, she filled our house with old pulp novels, 3D horror comics, bootlegs of Mystery Science Theater 3000, tapes of Warhol’s Frankenstein and Dracula. She was a striking dresser, imperiously intelligent, and brutally funny. She was outrageously popular among everyone who knew her. The strange truth, though, was that while she had the outward appearance of a mischievous hipster on the cutting edge of culture, on the inside she had a rigid resistance to anything she considered psychologically or emotionally abnormal. Sadness and frustration were unacceptable, antisocial qualities, inconveniences that were grounds for rejection. So, as if she’d been cursed by a spiteful witch, instead of having a fun, affectionate, curious, creative mini-me, her first born turned out to be a taciturn suicide case, constantly quivering with fear and rage--the ultimate in uncoolness. I have a recollection of being around 12 and complaining to her about a friend of mine who was (also) sort of a drip and a drama queen. My mother’s advice to me was to say to my difficult friend, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” which is a clever way of expressing sympathy while giving no credit at all to the sources of the person’s pain. Even at that young age, I kind of thought...hey wait a minute, that’s exactly what she’s been saying to me!

Lest anyone think of her as some sort of roundly superior specimen, I can also say that she was sort of a nerd. She had a huge number of allergies, and also asthma, which she passed on to my brother and me. (And ironically, my lifelong snorting and snuffling and sneezing became one of the many things about me that visibly disgusted her) This, combined with my father’s amorphous environmental illnesses (see: the brilliant Todd Haynes movie SAFE), compelled my parents to try to move house. When I was about 11, we moved across our grimy, depressed city to a much bigger house in a nicer neighborhood. Shortly after we got settled, my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. Her doctor’s advice was to go home and make her peace, immediately, but she shocked everyone by surviving for at least another three years. When people hear that, they always respond as if it must have been some sort of beautiful miracle. No one who has lived with the dying could think this. Our lives turned into NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, quickly and consistently, every day a frank, unromantic confrontation with mortality, until it was over.

What could I possibly feel? This person who was a virtual stranger to me, who didn’t like me, who turned into a rotting corpse in front of me, had died in agony. Instead of trying to raise a happy, healthy person, she had sat back expecting me to seduce her, and I had failed. So, I didn’t know what the loss of her really meant. I would never understand anything about maternity, and I would never figure out anything about being a woman that I didn’t ultimately make up for myself. The only thing I really knew about first hand was death. I didn’t understand much of anything about my mother’s actual biological reality, because no one really communicated with me about it, but I knew for sure that the human body is a bunch of bullshit and there is just no reason to be precious about it, ever. Unfortunately, one is never left in dignified solitude with their own interpretation of death. Death is a curse that befalls the living, who are then suddenly and disproportionately responsible for each other’s feelings. This is never more true than when you physically resemble the dead. You become everybody’s confessor, the person with whom they try to relive their experience with the living, and you better be nice about it--even if you are technically more entitled to grief and resentment and anguish than anybody in the room. And of course, this was never more true than with someone who had always frightened me more than my mother: my mother’s mother.

#the big story #long post

[thesportssoundoff]

DWCS Episode 3 Primer

Joey

July 8th

Thus far the 3rd season of the Contenders Season has given us four fighters; 1 HW (Yorgan de Castro), 1 MW (Punahele Soriano), 1 BW (Miles Johns), 1 WW (Miguel Baeza). What’s episode three got for us?

Joseph Solecki (7-2, 25 years old, Pro since 2016) vs James Wallace (9-2, 26 years old, Pro since 2015) Lightweights

Joseph Solecki Where He Fight At? ROC and CFFC! Solecki has fought primarily in CFFC. Who’d He Ever Beat? Not anybody necessarily that I'd be familiar with for sure. Record Of Opposition At The Time Of Their Fight? 37-23-1! That's not awful but definitely not exactly the sexiest of records. His two losses are a combined 10-2 (2-0 Cesar Balmaceda, 8-2 TUF Brazil fighter Nikolas Motta). His last fight out, Solecki beat 7-6 Jacob Bohn by decision. Why Is He Here? Eh, I mean Solecki isn't a bad idea on paper. He's a guy who has hung out on the regional circuit and he's a young lightweight. Watching him fight, you can kinda see some upside as a crazy grappling guy. He is quick, has exciting fights and tends to finish them when he gets the chance. He's a fun guy to keep an eye on even if the records presented here are pretty gross.

James Wallace Where He Fight At? Wallace is one of those dudes who has been pretty much everywhere. Bellator, LFA, V3 Fights and Summit FC; four promotions of various qualities who have at least been holding shows for a good long minute. Who’d He Ever Beat? Kinda nobody of note but kinda sorta some intriguing names? His early career was complete and utter fluff but in his last five fights, Wallace has beaten 6-2 Sean Holden, 3-0 Kaleb Harris and 3-0 Stash Kuyukendall. Maybe not the creme de la creme of MMA but those are at least spiffy records on paper. Record Of Opposition At The Time Of Their Fight? 32-29. Little bit of a yuck city here. Hard to get excited about 32-29 with some serious fluff on here like 8-16 Jimmy Van Horn and 0-4 Henry. His two losses were a combined 4-1. Why Is He Here? Solecki vs Wallace feels like one of those fights where both guys are so close, dare we say virtually identical, that it makes sense they'd be matched up together. Watching Wallace's few fights out there on youtube land, I got a pretty good comp for him I feel; Mickey Gall. He's kind of an uncoordinated striker who has some natural pop that needs refining. He's a BJJ ace first and foremost so he prefers working on the mat and even most of the times off his back. He's squirrelly and athletic but maybe without much purpose behind what he does. This is the sort of guy this show tends to gravitate towards.

Kenneth Bergh (6-0, 30 years old, Pro since 2013) vs Antonio Tricoli (11-3, 28 years old, Pro since 2013) Light Heavyweights

Kenneth Bergh Where He Fight At? There are two places you'd recognize Bergh from. The first is Cage Warriors where he last fought at and the other? TUF! He was a TUF 23 contestant (the same season that gave us Khalil Rountree, Eric Spicely and Andrew Sanchez) although he lost in the "Get in the house" round to Eric Spicely. Who’d He Ever Beat? How's about our old pal Norman Paraisy?! Two time TUF try out and Cage Warriors veteran Norman Paraisay was the last opponent of Bergh; a 2nd round rear naked choke win for the Norweigan. Record Of Opposition At The Time Of Their Fight? 23-11-2. That's probably what you should expect from a big dude who has six pro fights officially. That said if you remove Norman Paraiasy from the mix and his 15-4-2 record, you're left with a not too pretty 8-7 for his combined other five opponents. Why Is He Here? He's a light heavyweight! It's really that simple on paper. Dig a bit deeper and there's cause to be made that Bergh is pretty much what this show is about; he's a fight finisher with all six of his wins coming by submission, he had his failed stint on TUF and then rebounded to beat two pretty tough guys in Brett McDermott and Norman Paraisy by submission and he's still somewhat on the right side of 30 given that he JUST turned 30 this month. The UFC knows who he is based off of TUF as well. The problem I have is that Kenneth Bergh has not fought since June of 2017, ergo he's technically coming into this fight on a two year inactivity streak. Vomitando.

Antonio Tricoli Where He Fight At? Tricoli has a ridiculous amount of fights in promotions you'd know of. Brazilian fans probably know of Imperium MMA and Jungle Fight and American fans should still have found memories of Legacy FC. Tricoli has been at this for a good long minute. Who’d He Ever Beat? His BEST win is actually pretty solid regional MMA wise. Tricoli beat Wendell Oliveira who you may remember from TUF Brazil Season Two and an 0-2 stint inside the UFC (with losses to legitimate top 10 WWs like Darren Till and Santiago Ponzinibbio). Tricoli's three losses are all very solid as you have Dhiego Lima (still in the UFC), Jacob Volkmann (had a long stint in the org) and Brazilian fight circuit veteran Marcelo Barbosa who was 11-3. All good comp. Record Of Opposition At The Time Of Their Fight? 91-46! Tricoli has been around, man! His best win is the aforementioned Wendell Oliveira at 24-9 while his losses were to 18-6 Jacob Volkmann and Dhiego Lima at 10-4. Even Wendell Barbosa is 7-3. Rodrigo Carlos by the way at 20-13 is also one of his wins and Carlos is sort of the universal "Fight everybody" guy in Brazil. Why Is He Here? The natural instinct in me is to look at a dude like Tricoli and assume he's here to test Kenneth Bergh. He's the more shopworn of the two despite being younger, he's fought the better competition but more often than not lost to them, he's quit on his stool in the past against smaller fighters and he's on a decision streak. This feels like a chance to test whether Bergh can get into the UFC. At the same time, male Brazilian MMA is really in a lull in the UFC and Tricoli may be here because the UFC thinks that his 3-0 record at 205 lbs is more a sign of a guy evolving into his best form.

Jacob Rosales (11-4, 23 years old, Pro since 2015) vs Jonathan Pearce (8-3, 27 years old, Pro since 2014) Lightweights

Jacob Rosales Where He Fight At? For being just 23 years old, Rosales is a well traveled dude. He's fought for LFA, RFA, Bellator and Combates. He also fought for Shamrock FC which is sort of a gateway into Bellator as well. Maybe he has tremendous representation but it sure seems like a lot of organizations who know a thing or two about a thing or two like him. His last fight was in FCOC which seems like a nondescript bit of business until you learn they have a CATCHWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP (apparently at 165 lbs). Who’d He Ever Beat? Rosales has packed fifteen pro fights into four years. That probably requires a fair bit of barnacle scrubbing. As such it shouldn't be much of a surprise that Rosales' best win is probably regional veteran Joshua Jones (7-4) or Ivan Castillo (16-10). Record Of Opposition At The Time Of Their Fight? 74-65-1! In fifteen fights, Rosales has packed in some pretty good numbers. His last four opponents alone are 46-35 and the number is somewhat skewered by his last opponent, 15-25 Quinton McConnell. His four losses are a combined 15-10-1 including what looks like a borderline inexcusable loss to 4-7-1 Derion Chapman in 2017. Why Is He Here? On paper I feel like there's a lot of good to be looked at. Rosales is a really young guy who is still fresh in his fighting career, he's on a four fight winning streak vs top competition and big name organizations have brought him in. His third ever pro fight was on an RFA card which again suggests that he's got some followers. Watching the bevy of footage out there (including the loss to Chapman), Rosales seems like the sort of dude Dana White would absolutely fall in love with. He's a hyperactive scrapper by trade who throws with reckless abandon, is more chin than defense with length on the feet and an aggressive ground game. This is the sort of guy Dana White likes. It's not that big of a surprise that he's here. I just don't know how high the upside is if he's letting dudes who are 4-7-1 rock him consistently.

Jonathan Pearce Where He Fight At? Pearce is another guy who has been everywhere so to speak. Valor Fights and Shogun Fights are pretty well known regional orgs in the Northeast and it seems like Pearce has done most of his work in places like Tennessee and North Carolina. He does have two Bellator appearances on his resume as well. Who’d He Ever Beat? Pearce's win/loss record? Not so hot I guess. Jonathan Pearce's opposition is not too great BUT he does have 6-1 Omar Johnson on it. Johnson's record is equally fluffy but he did fight and lose to WSOF/Bellator/LFA veteran Jaleel Willis. That's something. Record Of Opposition At The Time Of Their Fight? 45-20 would be the record of opposition at the time they fought which isn't too bad. To his credit of his eleven fights, only one of his opponents had a losing record. The best fighter is Omar Johnson. Why Is He Here? Pearce is a pretty interesting guy; remove a three fight skid which includes a loss to DWTCS alum Peter Petties and Pearce is 8-0 with wins over some reputable regional competition. He's on the right side of 30, coming into this fight on a four fight finishing streak with some of those wins happening in Bellator. Fighters like him are of value and at the very least wind up on the short notice list when the UFC needs a guy. He also trains with the MMALab and they seem to have an in on DWTCS since a lot of their guys wind up filling spots on it. They're the even further West version of Fortis MMA.

Chris Ocon (4-0, 23 years old, pro since 2017) vs Hunter Azure (5-0, 27 years old, pro since 2017) Bantamweights

Chris Ocon Where He Fight At? With just 4 fights and 2 in the same locale, Ocon has spent most of his time in Tennessee. He's another Valor Fights guy. Who’d He Ever Beat? Nobody really. He's had four fights and they're all against guys you'd never hear of. Record Of Opposition At The Time Of Their Fight? 7-3 combined record for his four opponents. Ocon is SUPER green obviously with just two years into his career and under five pro fights. His best win is actually his pro debut against then 2-1 Dre Miley. Miley has gone on to go 6-2 and I think he might be a bit of a legitimate prospect except he's got an eye issue which IMO would have him far off their radar. Why Is He Here? Chris Ocon is in a weird spot here and it almost feels like one of those cases where even IF he wins, the UFC will be telling him that he's still not ready yet. He's four fights into his career, looks moderately impressive in glimpses and has the tools that would normally get them excited. He's just too raw and in a division like 135 lbs where even the bottom half of the division is quality capable dudes.

Hunter Azure Where He Fight At? After starting most of his career in small regional orgs, Azure has had his last three pro fights at LFA. Who’d He Ever Beat? Nobody really good I suppose. Azure has faced some reputable fighters for a young prospect but nothing that you'd hang your hat on. Record Of Opposition At The Time Of Their Fight?  Azure's five combined opponents are 17-14. To his credit, he fought just one guy with a sub .500 record so at least he wasn't barnacle scrubbing. His best win is probably Jaime Hernandez who was 3-1 at the time with sole loss being to DWCS alum Rico Disculio. Why Is He Here? Hunter Azure is a more polished version of Chris Ocon which makes me wonder if Azure is the guy they expect to find a home for quickly. Azure has been groomed in LFA where he could develop his skills as main card filler. Watching his fights, you can see that he's got a serious lack of  developed tools but a lot of intriguing assets to his game that could in the future lead to him developing into something. He's also yet another MMA lab guy.

Maki Pitolo (11-4, 28 years old, Pro since 2013) vs Justin Sumter (7-2, 29 years old, Pro since 2016) Middleweights

Maki Pitolo Where He Fight At? Maki's been everywhere I suppose. He started his career fighting in Hawaiian orgs and moved his way over to the mid west where he cut his teeth in Victory FC. He's fought in CFFC and Bellator as well. Who’d He Ever Beat? Some good solid regional competition. How do names like Andrews Nakahara (TUF contestant, PFL/WSOF guy) and Justin Guthrie (Bellator and Titan FCvet) sound? Record Of Opposition At The Time Of Their Fight? Maki's been around for a long time and had a lot of fights. His record of opposition at the time of is a really solid 121-56! Not bad at all. Chris Cisnersos and Kassius Kayne appear twice and both guys are reputable; Kayne at the time was 9-2 and then 9-3 when they fought. Maki actually fought Cisneros in his 2nd pro fight when Cisneros was 13-7. They met up again when Maki was 10-4 and Cisneros was 17-9. You also have 28-12 Dakota Cochrane on the same resume as well as 4-2 Andrews Nakahara and 18-8 Justin Guthrie. Why Is He Here? The Maii Pitolo story has been kind of interesting to me at least. So when the UFC started to do work with regional orgs for Fight Pass, they'd fly in a few dudes here or there to be at some events just to promote the synergy. One of those guys was always Maki Pitolo (the other was Jose Torres). It made sense! Maki was a young guy, fighting out of Hawaii, he was the Victory FC welterweight champion and he had a reputation of being your prototypical exciting Hawaiian scrapper. It fell apart from there for some reason. Maki was KO'd in a rematch vs Kassius Kayne and dropped his Victory FC belt. Then he dropped a fight to Dakota Cochrane and he fell off the Victory FC radar. He had a few prelim showings for CFFC and Bellator in 2017 and 2018 plus they tried to get him on the Contender's Series last year. Pitolo on paper is probably an easy sell for Dana and the Contender's Series has been TRYING desperately for like three years now to find one Hawaiian guy. This could be it.

Justin Sumter Where He Fight At? Sumter is a DWTCS alum! He fought last year, taking on Ian Heinisch who is tearing it up in the UFC currently. He's fought for CES and Bellator. Who’d He Ever Beat? No wins you'd be impressed by. His wins aren't too hot but his losses are superb with Tim Caron (DWCS and Bellator vet) and Ian Heinisch (LFA MW champ and current UFC top 15 MW) on there. Record Of Opposition At The Time Of Their Fight? 59-37! That would be the records owned by the opponents of Justin Sumter. Most of that work comes from the likes of 4-0 Tim Caron, 17-16 Roger Carroll and 10-1 Ian Heinisch. Why Is He Here? The general sneaky rule of thumb is if you're a DWCS guy who fights twice and you win on your second go around, you're probably going to get a deal. We've seen Ryan Spann get wiped out in his first fight, come back and win the second one and then get a snazzy new contract  (which he's now 2-0 on). Sumter is a fine fighter and a good guy to give a second chance to.

Likelihood of a contract with a win:

1- Joseph Solecki 2-James Wallace 3- Jacob Rosales 4- Maki Pitolo 5- Justin Sumter 6- Jonathan Pearce 7-Justin Azure 8- Chris Ocon

#MMA #UFC #DWCS

[marshmallowgoop]

Why is Kill la Kill considered a magical girl anime? Just because of the transformations?

Short answer: It’s Complicated.

Long answer: It’s complicated. Incrediblyso. The magical girl genre—and shoujo mangaand anime in general—is… pretty neglected when it comes to serious analysis. AsDeborah M. Shamoom writes in the book PassionateFriendship: The Aesthetics of Girl’s Culture in Japan, “… writing on shōjo manga even in Japan has lagged behindacademic study of manga for boys. Although Yonezawa Yoshihiro published ahistory of postwar shōjo manga in 1980, for over a decade it was the onlybook-length study of the genre. In the late 1990s, women who had grown upreading these texts, such as Fujimoto Yukari and Yokomori Rika, began writingabout shōjo manga from a feministperspective” (5-6). And, when you consider that Sally the Witch and SecretAkko-chan, the first (arguably) magical girl anime series ever produced,were put to TV screens in the mid-to-late 1960s,it’s easy to see that there’s kinda a dearth of study here (Saito 147).

While there is a lot moreresearch devoted to shoujo today, inregards to Western, English-language discussions on something like the magicalgirl genre, it’s super important to note that—in my experience, anyway—therejust ain’t a lot of access to this work in English. Additionally, what is available in English is often writtenfrom a foreigner’s perspective. Even while working at a university and havingaccess to loads and loads of material, I struggle to find much of anything on shoujo written by someone who actuallygrew up and spent most of their life in Japan.

So, maybe it’s no surprisethat—for lack of a better term—Westerners get their panties all in a twistabout what’s actually magical girland what’s not. It’s just hard to get anything concrete on the matter. I mean,it’s hard to get much of anything onthe matter.

I also acknowledge that I am inno way an authority here. I’ve only dipped my toes into serious shoujo analysis, and I am not Japanese,nor have I ever even set foot on Japan. But I can provide a little bit ofreasoning for why Kill la Kill mightmaybe be magical girl. Hopefully.

First things first: what is a magical girl show, anyway? In thearticle “Magic, Shōjo, andMetamorphosis: Magical Girl Anime and the Challenges of Changing GenderIdentities in Japanese Society,” author Kumiko Saito offers a basic idea:

In public discourse, the general definition of the magicalgirl anime tends to solely focus on the content. Largely influenced by TōeiStudio productions in the 1960s and 1970s,mahō shōjo as a genre signifies (usuallyserial television) anime programs in which a nine- to fourteen-year-old ordinarygirl accidentally acquires supernatural power; majokko suggests the alternative setting that the female protagonist’ssuperhuman power derives from her pedigree as a princess of a magical kingdomor a similar scenario. In either pattern, the plot often revolves around theway she wields her power to save people from a threat while maintaining hersecret identity. She frequently uses magical empowerment gadgets, such as wandsand accessories (to be sold as toys), often accompanied by little animal pets(to be sold as toys). (145)

So, let’s consider Kill la Kill. Ryuko is older thanfourteen, but you might argue that sheaccidentally acquires supernatural power in the form of Senketsu as in mahou shoujo series... well, at first, anyway. When it turnsout that Ryuko was designed from birth tohave superpowers, maybe there’s something to be said about how Kill la Kill actually fits more into themajokko category rather than the mahou shoujo one, but at the same time,it’s not that Ryuko’s exactly a princess,nor do her superpowers really have much to do with her lineage; her dadjust used her as a literal science project. Right off the bat here, it’s lookin’like two nopes already for the Kill-la-Kill-is-a-magical-girl-show thing.

Still, moving on to the nextpieces of Saito’s definition, Ryuko doesn’t have a secret identity, and thoughshe does wield her power to savepeople from a threat, she’s also super motivated by her own self-interests fora good chunk of the plot, so I’ll be conservative here and say that Ryukodoesn’t fit either of these classic components. For the last two bits, Ryuko’s“empowerment gadget” could easily be argued to be Senketsu, and Senketsu couldalso be argued to be her “little animal pet,” especially when he won thirdplace for “Best Mascot” in the Newtype AnimeAwards 2014. Kill la Kill characterdesigner Sushio even drew Junketsu getting kinda jelly about it.

Satsuki: Seems like Senketsu won an award…

Junketsu: !!

Translation from @sushiobunny here

But let me stay conservativehere. Let’s say Ryuko’s “empowerment gadget” doesn’t count because Senketsu’s neithera magic wand nor a compact mirror, and let’s say that Senketsu ain’t a “littleanimal pet,” either (and I mean, he really, really, really ain’t, thanks). Out of the six common elements of magicalgirl anime that Saito presents—young girl, accidental acquisition ofsuperpowers, saving people with superpowers, secret identity, “magicalempowerment gadget,” and “little animal pet”—Kill la Kill arguably fits noneof these. Even being as generous with this as possible, Kill la Kill would still only score a 3/6at the most.

Do people who call Kill la Kill a magical girl series haveno idea what they’re talking about? Well, again, it’s Complicated. Saito’s definitionis super-duper extremely general. That’s why you got words like “often” and “frequently”stuffed in there. Even pretty unquestionably magical girl series like Princess Tutu aren’t fitting inperfectly. The magical girl genre encompasses a lot more than any simple plot outlinecould ever convey.

So, maybe the question of Kill la Kill’s magical girliness isbetter answered by examining more specific tropes commonly utilized in thegenre. In the article “Shoujo Versus Seinen? Address and Reception in Puella Magi Madoka Magica (2011),” authorCatherine Butler provides a table that, though self-described as being “far from… an exhaustive list of mahou shoujo tropes,” includes some establishedfeatures of magical girl anime and notes whether or not they appear in Sailor Moon, Cardcaptor Sakura, LyricalGirl Nanoha, and Puella Magi MadokaMagica, which are all series that, unlike Kill la Kill, are widely accepted as magical girl shows (5):

Following Butler’s table, Kill la Kill scores much higher on the “magicalgirl” scale than it does following Saito’s general synopsis. Ryuko doesn’t havea “‘dream’ that is more than a dream” (unless you count her Senketsu death dream),and maybe clothing isn’t quite the same as jewelry, but Senketsu is officially considereda “cute mascot character,” Ryuko does sortof rescue him from eternal sleep, and he also turns out to be an alien. On topof that, Kill la Kill hastransformation sequences and named attacks. The increased specificity of thetable has Kill la Kill coming in anywherefrom a 4/7 to a 6/7—and a 6/7 is higher than even Cardcaptor Sakura, a show that I don’t think anyone would deny as a magical girl anime.

A similar look at Kill la Kill and particular magical girltropes can be found in the article “SentientSailor Uniforms are Serious Business: Trope-Twisting in Kill la Kill,” where author R looks to the TV Tropessite and examines what (presumably largely) Westerners have to say regardingthe magical girl genre:

Notably, consider what [TV Tropes] credits to have been pioneered by Majokko Meg-chan, a magical girl series from 1974that allegedly “codified many of the tropes that would later become staples ofthe magical girl genre”:

Another important early Magical Girl showwas Majokko Meg-chan in 1974. This was the firstshow to be marketed to boys as well as girls, and featured a number ofdevelopments—it was the first Magical Girl show to…

have a Tomboyish heroine—all magical girls prior to this had been sweet feminine girls;

feature a rival to the main character (Non, Meg’s rival and the local Dark Magical Girl);

include a really evil character. Prior to this, there was a perception that young girls couldn’t handle such things;

feature Fanservice (in the form of Panty Shots, slight nudity, and Megu being a borderline Fille Fatale), as well as Lovable Sex Maniac characters (Megu’s stepbrother Rabi and Ineffectual Sympathetic Villain Chou);

touch on more serious social issues, like Domestic Abuse, extramarital relationships, and drug abuse; and

have the heroine not only lose fights, but having to face serious consequences (deaths, injuries, humiliations, etc.).

Kill la Kill has all of this. Ryuko Matoi is certainly portrayed astomboyish, Satsuki is her rival, Ragyo is a really evil character,the fanservice is notorious and we have the Mankanshoku boys and dog as(supposedly)-lovable perverts, sexual abuse is present with Satsuki’snarrative, and Ryuko loses and faces humiliation, severe injuries, and shock.Combine all this with the magical transformation sequences that this genre isfamous for, and Kill la Kill absolutely feels pretty magicalgirl.

Hey, maybe anyone who considersKill la Kill a magical girl anime might have some idea of what they’retalking about?

But then again, isn’t a genremore than some tropes mashed together? After all, many series simply featuringa female protagonist could probably fit into several magical girl tropes just ‘cause they’vegot a female protagonist, but I wouldn’t call something like Birdy the Mighty: Decode a magical girlshow, even if it does have a transforming heroine and a robot alien mascot buddy.

The question of whether or not something is a real “magical girl anime” also has a tendency to turn into even more questions about intended audience. Can amagical girl show be made primarily for boys? What about for adults rather thanyoung children? When Kill la Kill seemspretty clearly aimed at the seinen (oldermale) demographic, it’s easily dismissed as a magical girl series simply forthat aspect alone. Something designed for adult men just can’t ever be considered“magical girl.”

But—and I bet you can alreadyguess where I’m gonna go here—it’s Complicated. The 1973-1974 anime Cutey Honey is widely understood as theanime that began many of the commonmagical girl tropes of today; in fact, authors Brian Camp and Julie Davis describeCutey Honey as “the classic seriesthat served as a prototype for anime’s magical-girl genre” in the book Anime Classics Zettai!: 100 Must-See Japanese Animation Masterpieces, and they furthernote that the famous magical girl transformation sequences that make mostpeople think Sailor Moon were actuallystarted by none other than Honey herself (86-87).

But… the original Cutey Honey anime was initially intendedfor boys. Though the story got adapted into a very “classic” magical girl series with CuteyHoney Flash in the late 90s, which “add[ed] more romance and expand[ed] therange of Honey’s fashions,” as well as marketed itself primarily to young girlswith merchandise that consisted of “fashion dolls in the style of the popular JapaneseJenny and Licca doll series” (Camp and Davis 88), the pieces of the magical girl genre werealready right there in the original. In fact, Camp and Davis argue that “Honeyneeded only a slight cosmetic makeover and bust reduction to qualify for the[magical girl] genre” (87)! If so much of magical girl is built off of Cutey Honey,can’t even the original Cutey Honey beconsidered a magical girl series itself?

Cutey Honey isalso extremely relevant when it comes to Killla Kill because Kill la Kill drawsa ton of influence from old anime—especially the works of Go Nagai, of which CuteyHoney is (another example is Devilman,and it was allegedly even confirmed that the coloring of Ryuko/Senketsu’sberserk form was modeled on Devilman himself in Trigger’s Christmas commentary for Kill la Kill’s 12th episode). Many, many others have written on the comparisons between Kill la Kill andCutey Honey before me—actually, Iwent to a Cutey Honey panel a fewyears back, and the panelist actually noted that talking about Honey’s influence on Kill la Kill would be “cheating” becauseKill la Kill is so clearly and heavilyplaying homage to the show—but here’s just one visual example:

On top of all this, the2004 OVA Re: Cutie Honey was even writtenby Kill la Kill’s scriptwriter KazukiNakashima, and the first episode shares Hiroyuki Imaishi as director! Magicalgirl stories are nothing new for these two—I mean, if you count Re: Cutie Honey as a magical girl story,anyway.

In the end, I can’t say I really got any dog in this Kill la Kill magicalgirl fight personally, though I do scratch my head a bit at the inclusion ofPanty and Stocking as magical girls but not Ryuko and Satsuki. What interestsme more than how anyone categorizes the show is how the show utilizes its “magical girl” tropes andwhat it’s trying to do and say with its utilization of these tropes.

But that’s just me! However yousee it, I do hope that this provides some reasoning for why Kill la Kill could, perhaps, be categorizedas a magical girl anime.

Sources

Butler, Catherine. “Shoujo Versus Seinen? Address and Reception in Puella Magi Madoka Magica (2011).” Children’s Literature in Education, Springer Netherlands, 2018, pp. 1-17.

Camp, Brian, and Julie Davis. Anime Classics Zettai!: 100 Must-See Japanese Animation Masterpieces. Stone Bridge Press, 2011.

Saito, Kumiko. “Magic, Shōjo, and Metamorphosis: Magical Girl Anime and the Challenges of Changing Gender Identities in Japanese Society.” The Journal of Asian Studies, vol. 73, no. 1, 2014, pp. 143–164.

Shamoon, Deborah M.. Passionate Friendship : The Aesthetics of Girl’s Culture in Japan. University of Hawaii Press, 2012.

#Anonymous #replies #kill la kill #magical girl #analysis #ramblings #cutey honey #shut up goop #this is why no one wants to listen to you #i wasn't gonna tag this but i spent many multiple hours writing it #and it's not gonna be in searches 'cause of all these links so #sorry tags but you can have this monstrosity that no one asked for :P

[thetygre]

 30 Day Monster Challenge 2 - Day #4: Favorite Mummy

1.) Imhotep (Arnold Vosloo)

There’s something to be said for loss of Boris Karloff’s tragedy and nuance with the 1999 Imhotep, but you know what else Boris Karloff’s mummy didn’t have? Style, baby. And reboot Imhotep had style for days. Summon the plagues of the Old Testament, raise more mummies from the dead, shape the very elements to his will; Imhotep was a force. Could that same character have been done with more subtlety and a deeper backstory? Yes, of course. But the real question is; would it have been as fun?

Also, let’s talk about character design here. Mummies don’t really offer a broad range of options in terms of character design. No matter how much jewelry or old robes you put on them, they’re always going to be covered in bandages. But the reboot, like Karloff, got around that by offering different designs and costumes for different states of regeneration. Starting with a desiccated corpse and evolving to a full-blown high priest, with each stage having its own personality. My personal favorite is probably the second form, with the mask. Masked undead are always a little bit extra creepy. The ability to fit that much creativity into the character design ties to the spectacle of Imhotep as a villain, and that, more than anything, is the character’s strength.

2.) Imhotep (Boris Karloff)

Karloff’s mummy is the mature one, the sympathetic one. If the mummy as a monster can be said to have tragedy or deeper meaning, than Karloff embodies that in his character. His Imhotep is a man lost in time, desperate to reconnect to the world he is lost. But at the same time, he is very much a monster; he is a punishment for disturbing the past. Mummies are ultimately rooted in Gothic horror, and, similar to ghosts, remind us of the horror of history and the sins of our ancestors. In addition, mummies, like Frankenstein’s monster, are born from man attempting to meddle with things that humanity simply is not meant to know, whether that’s knowledge or literally just going into somewhere with a big ‘keep out’ sign. Karloff’s mummy conveys both aspects of the mummy creature as an archetype. It’s just, y’know, he doesn’t breathe locusts or summon sandstorms.

3.) Tomb Kings (Warhammer)

This might be kind of cheating since the Tomb Kings are as much skeletons as they are mummies, but they’re all generally ancient Egyptian themed. While they lack that certain punch that their 40k equivalent the Necrons have, the Tomb Kings make up for it in aesthetic. Even the most basic soldiers are dressed up in bronze and gold. On top of that, Tomb Kings aren’t just human mummies either; horses, scorpions, and even sphinxes are all part of the Tomb Kings’ forces. The Tomb Kings are a demonstration of just what can be done with the idea of mummies when you put your imagination into it.

4.) The Arisen (Mummy: The Curse)

The late child of the New World of Darkness, the Arisen are the preserved mages of an ancient magical empire that existed in Earth’s prehistory. The Arisen are a blend of Karloff and Vosloo, mixing spectacular magical powers with the somber reality of the passing of time. Each Arisen can rise from their slumber for only brief periods of time, and each time they lose a little more of their memories. They are some of the most powerful, indestructible entities in the World of Darkness, but they have to operate on a time limit. It’s the idea of how unfathomably ancient the Arisen are that gets me; predating humanity, watching all civilization rise and fall. It takes the idea of mummies as guardians to an entirely new level.

5. ) The God of the Valley (Discworld)

It’s kind of hard to talk about this one for spoilery reasons. Pyramids has mummies galore in it, but there are a few that stand out. But this one makes us think about how mummies can reflect aspects of even modern culture. He makes us question things like duty, responsibility, and tradition. The borderline between ritual, respect, and insanity isn’t always as clear as we would like it to be, and it’s even more complicated when that ambiguity is simultaneously toxic and necessary. Also, for aforementioned spoilery reasons and just a general lack of fan art for the Pyramids Discworld novel, no pic unfortunately.

6.) The Boneguard (Tailchaser’s Song)

Cat mummies! Tailchaser’s Song is a cat-focused fantasy, complete with an evil cat Sauron figure. Said evil cat overlord has a variety of minions, and his most disturbing are a group of apparently undead cats with psychic powers. While described more skeletal than desiccated, they’re given Egyptian names like ‘Bast-Imret’ which gives a pretty obvious nod to their inspiration. It’s well known the ancient Egyptians mummified cats as sacred animals, and I’m glad I was able to see something interesting and kind of creepy actually done with the idea.

7.) Saint Hakushin (Inuyasha)

Our first non-Egyptian mummy is a monster-of-the-week that I only even know about by chance from a random episode of Inuyasha. Hakushin is a sokushinbutsu, the mummified remains of a Buddhist priest who entered a state of mummification while still alive and then died from asceticism. Hundreds of monks have tried this process, but only a few have ever actually succeeded. Hakushin demonstrates that the idea of the mummy is not exclusive to Egypt, both as a death ritual and as usage for a monster. Mummies are universally uncanny in whatever culture they appear in, while at the same time evoking reverence and fascination.

8.) The Dead Ones (The Halloween Tree)

These mummies come to us from the catacombs of Mexico. The environment of the city of Guanajuato lends itself to a natural process similar to embalmment, preserving bodies in pristine condition. They are easily the most horrifying mummies I have ever seen, with their faces contorted by postmortem shifting. Ray Bradbury saw them once, and they terrified him out of Mexico. At the end of Ray Bradbury’s The Halloween Tree, our cast of characters is confronted with the catacombs and have to race through the mummies to save their friend. The book’s first adventure is actually in ancient Egypt in the tomb of a pharaoh, so this serves as a potent contrast. Egyptian mummies are created intentionally, made out of reverence and respect. But the mummies of Guanajuato were made by accident, unearthed when their families could not or would not pay the burial tax on their graves. They are a harsh reminder on the reality of death, a confrontation with what becomes of us after we are put in the earth, and something that is inevitable for everyone.

9.) The Fallen One (SyFy Channel Movie)

Giant mummy of a nephilim! First off, again, I love the idea of monster mummies made from something other than humans. Giants have an extra layer because it makes you imagine how bizarre the actual process of mummification must have been. This thing’s brain must have weighed at least twelve pounds and been the size of a pumpkin, but it was still pulled out through its nose by a hook. There’s also the ties to conspiracy theory lore here. The nephilhim, giants, and their remains have a significant theory in conspiracy lore, whether they’re the products of fallen angels, aliens, or both. And there’s only one thing to do with an idea that crazy; make a horror monster out of it! I don’t give a toss about the movie. It was so crappy I couldn’t even find a screenshot for it. You’ll have to settle for this giant mummy from Gatchaman instead.

10.) Mummy Gundam (G Gundam)

It counts. G Gundam was a trip, y’all. This is literally an old Pharaoh Gundam (there were multiple) that was destroyed in combat, mummified, and then resurrected by the Devil Gundam, giving it magic powers like bandage control and regeneration. Its pilot was mummified too, so there was just a straight-up mummy in bandages doing martial arts in the cockpit. See what I mean about this show being wild? I just love the image of a giant mech rising out of a sandstorm, like a piece of the landscape itself, combined with a mummy coming back for revenge. The gundam was never even alive and it still came back from the dead like some angry, vengeful god. That’s just straight up stupid fun.

#30 Day Monster Challenge 2 #30 Day Monster Challenge #mummy #mummies #the mummy #imhotep #mummy the curse #warhammer

[the-real-xmonster]

(Probably) Last Mass Post on Olympic Technicals

I saw a GIF of Nathan's 3A from his Oly FS. Has he gone back to the toe-pick release, from the skid that Raf was teaching him? (Can't seem to link GIF, sorry! But the Olympic Channel has his FS.)

This is the moment I realized, with mild horror, that I’ve forgotten to DVR any of Nathan’s performances at the OG. And my current Internet connection is so crappy I can’t even get the Olympic channel video to play in full HD. But, yes, I also remember noticing that he went back to the toe pick takeoff for his 3A in the FS. Probably because the skid takeoff sure didn’t work out that well for him in that competition. Let’s wait and see what he chooses to do at Worlds this week.

Hi, I really appreciate your posts! You've made figure skating so much easier to understand with your gifs and explanations. I was wondering something, if you don't mind answering, and it was in concerns to step sequences. I remember hearing somewhere that Nathan Chen got a level 4 during his Long Program at the Olympics while Yuzuru got a level 3? If true, why is that? It doesn't seem like Nathan's is more complex at all. Thank you in advance for reading this inquiry --- @mystictrillium

Hi, it’s true that Nathan got a level 4 for his FS StSq at the OG and Yuzu got a level 3, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that Nathan’s StSq was more complex than Yuzu’s. Yuzu’s planned technical content for the Seimei StSq is highly difficult (more details here) and should be more than enough to earn him the maximum level if everything is executed correctly. The reason why Yuzu lost a level at the OG was because of one mistake that happened to occur during a turn, which, under ISU rules, was crucial for level evaluation purpose. I’ve discussed this here, in case you are interested in the technical details. 

Hi Alice! I was wondering, if Yuzuru got a Lv4 on the last spin of his SP from the Olympics (same GOE) would he have broken the WR?

No, a level 4 spin wouldn’t have been enough. He was 1.05 points away from a new WR. The difference between Base Value of a level 3 and a level 4 combination spin is only 0.50 points, and there is no difference in their Scale of Value, so Yuzu wouldn’t have got any extra GOE if he had received a level 4 for that last spin either. He, in fact, received higher GOE for that spin at the OG compared to at Autumn Classic. Well deserved, I’d say, not least because I love that variation he did for the A-spin when he placed his hand flat on his back instead of on his knee as usual:

(Aside from being pretty, this variation also affected his balance and actually made the spin harder to execute. But of course when you are Yuzuru Hanyu, judges hold you to an apparently much higher standard so, despite added difficulty and whatnot, if you miss your rotation by a hair’s breadth, you lose a level, no negotiation allowed).

Hi Alice! This ask is regarding spin. I understand Hanyu got only Lv3 on his last spin for SP for lacking rotation. But then Shoma Uno in his FS' FCCoSp, if I am not mistaken, lacked rotations on both his camel and upright position. So,,, why was that still counted as a lv4 spin? That's 2 basic position lacking rotations. I know counting spin is not my forte, but did I really make that big of a mistake there? Thanks! (also, if it's going to unleash the you-know-what, feel free to not answer)

No I don’t think you are mistaken about Shoma’s spin. At least if you count spin revolutions the same way I do. For a basic camel position, I count from the moment both the skater’s spinning knee and free leg are fully straightened, I stop counting when they start bending their knee to move to the subsequent position:

For a basic upright position, I’d count from when their body is fully upright (duh) and the spinning knee also fully straightened, same principle as camel spin for when to stop:

So, from how I see it, neither of those positions Shoma had was held for 2 full revolutions. As to why the tech panel didn’t invalidate his spin or give him a V sign at least, your guess is as good as mine.

In case anyone is curious, this is how I count the revolutions for Yuzu’s inside to outside edge feature: start when his blade is completely outside, stop when his blade is completely flat:

I remember Shoma said that if he had landed the 4Lo, he could have higher chance of winning, and Yuzuru replied that even if Shoma did land the 4Lo, Yuzu would still have won. Could you calculate/ explain this please?

Wait, when/where did this conversation happen? Just asking because it sounds very out of character for both of them.

But, well, the calculation is not hard to do. The final margin between Yuzu and Shoma was 10.95 points. Shoma got a total of 8.00 points for his 4Lo (fall), if he had landed the jump, and landed it perfectly so that he received the maximum GOE for it (which has never happened, mind you), his total point for that element would have been 12 in BV + 3 GOE = 15 points. So that’s 7 points added to his TES. Now you can also tell me that the fall on the 4Lo affected his PCS, so if it hadn’t happened his PCS would also have gone up, but it order to even the gap with Yuzu, Shoma would need an extra 3.95 points in PCS, which would mean a total PCS of 96.67. Considering that his personal best PCS in international competition is (I think) 94.42 at WC17, 96.67 is extremely unlikely.

So, the summary is, even if Shoma had landed his 4Lo, Yuzu would still have won.  

Hi Alice, I have a question about commentators, do you know who were the commentators for the official Olympic broadcast (the ones with the phrase 'liquid gold'😍)? They seemed so lovely and I could hear them clapping after Yuzu's fs, which was just heart warming.     

The female commentator (she of the “liquid gold” comment) is Belinda Noonan, former Australian national champion. Thanks to @chibura for the info :) I’m not sure who her partner was. Does anybody have a clue?

Hi Alice! Hope you're doing fine. I've heard people saying a lot that Javi should have got silver instead of Shoma. I haven't watched yet Javi's performance but I've seen a fancam of Shoma's and I've checked their protocols. Shoma's technique is flawed, that much we know, but there were a couple of jumps that were pretty nice. Javi has like 5 points advantage over Shoma in PCS but he popped that 4S and lost a level in one of the spins (besides less one quad). What do you think? Thanks :) --- @puniyo    

I also think the Silver should have gone to Javi, mostly because in the FS, Shoma’s 4Lo was clearly under-rotated and he shouldn’t have got the full BV for it. His 4T was borderline UR as well (more details on his 4Lo and 4T here), and as you see above, his flying combination spin was also dubious. Considering the very thin margin between him and Javi, any of those mistakes, if called by the tech panel, could have resulted in a different final standing.  

Please excuse me if this question seems silly, but I have not understood fs enough to withstand a debate, that's why I really need your help. I saw on an ask page someone raising questions about Yuzu's 4T in Chopin, so aside from the argument that 4T has an inherent degree of prerotations, how else can I prove that his 4T was not UR? And while Kurt said that it was not quite the 'perfect' landing, how would you describe that landing on average? Thanks a ton            

I think you’ve got PR and UR mixed up there :) PR is about whether or not the skater rotates on ice before the takeoff, where as UR is about whether they do that after they land.

So it’s true that a toe loop always has some degrees of PR inherent in it, more than most of the other jump types, because of the way the skater's hip is completely open to the rotational direction. Here’s Yuzu’s 4T takeoff in his SP:

You see there, with the way this jump works (left leg swinging behind for the pick), a skater can’t help but point their toe at an angle for the takeoff, and that’s what causing the inherent pre-rotation. However in Yuzu’s case, he picked and then left the ice with minimal timing delay, so his blade was fully off ice at no more than 90 degrees of PR, which made his takeoff completely valid in scoring terms (in order for a takeoff to be called “cheated”, it has to be done with 180 degrees of PR or more).

As for the landing of that jump, no, it wasn’t perfect. It was slightly under-rotated:

See how he clearly did have to finish his last rotation on ice? It was not called by the technical panel, likely because they deemed the lack of rotation not enough for a call (less than a quarter), but it was reflected somewhat in his GOE. 4 judges out of 9 gave him +2 only for that combo. With him hitting almost, if not all, of the 8 positive GOE bullets for that combo, a +2 can only be justified by the judges taking into consideration the mandatory deduction of -1 for the UR (yes, judges are allowed to, and are supposed to, deduct GOE for jumps lacking rotation even if there is no call from the tech panel).

Here’s how a perfect 4T landing looks, from Yuzu’s FS :)

(Straight up +3 for this one)

Hi Alice! I was wondering on yuzu’s SP (and really the FS as well tbh) when he was jumping his 4T-3T the foot picking the ice as he was jumping wasn’t his usual ‘quick hitting motion’ as I think you put it. Do you think it’s just bc he hadn’t been training his quads until 2 weeks before and he was just getting used to it or it could be something else?        

He did put a bit more pressure on the ball of his picking foot for the takeoff of that 4T (as you can see in that gif above), and same goes for his (planned) solo 4T in the FS.

I think it had to do with his right ankle not in its best shape: for a toe loop takeoff, while the majority of the push comes from your picking left foot, you do need to use your right foot’s ankle and knee to stabilize the takeoff. If you have some nagging unease in your mind about your right foot, it can lead to you taking a split second more to fully stabilize the takeoff, and therefore, a split second more of your toe pick being kept on the ice.

Or, he was actually altering his takeoff in that manner as a way to put a certain limit on the size of his toe loop so that it is easier to control, also because he was worrying about his right foot, which plays a crucial role in the landing. This alternative theory of mine came up because I noticed that in the second 4T he did in the FS, he used the usual fast takeoff and ended up with that step out:

For what it’s worth, his subsequent triple toe loop takeoffs in combos were all picture perfect though, as usual :)

#figure skating #yuzuru hanyu #shoma uno #nathan chen

[starspatter]

Heroes and Thieves, Ch. 6

Title: Heroes and Thieves Fandom/Universe: BTAS, pre/post-RotJ flashback

Summary: A story about second chances, healing, and having hope.

Rating: PG-13, for references to character death, child psychological torture and trauma.

Genre: Romance/Family/Friendship/Hurt/Comfort

Word Count: 3,791 Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

Also on ff.net and AO3. In which Dick is surprisingly racist towards clones.

Two birds on a wire One says "come on" and the other says "I'm tired" The sky is overcast and I'm sorry One more or one less Nobody's worried

-Regina Spektor, "Two Birds"

Then.

Once their guest had left, Tim turned to Dick with a wounded air.

“How about giving me some warning next time before someone shows up, huh?  A little heads-up would’ve been nice.”

Dick’s smile didn’t falter.

“What, did she catch you doing something embarrassing?”

Tim skewered him a look of disgust.

“Do you have to make everything sound dirty?”

“Sorry, sorry.  …I’m surprised you’re still doing ‘that’ after all these years though.”

Tim shrugged with a heavy sigh.  “Was just testing to see if I still could, I guess.  I messed up on the landing anyway.”

“You probably just need to work on your form some more.  It has been a while since I last saw you brush up on any techniques, they’re bound to get a bit rusty.  If you want, I can still coach you…”

Tim’s lips tightened.

“Forget it.  It’s not worth it.”

“Are you sure?  That girl seemed pretty impressed by it. She’s the one you were talking about earlier, right?”  Dick nodded in sage observation.  “She’s cute; nice face, decent rack- ow!”  He rubbed his arm as it was abruptly met with an annoyed punch.  “Hey, it was a compliment.”

“…Didn’t sound like one.”

“Would you prefer I said she has a mighty fine ass?”  He waggled his brows and grinned provocatively, despite wincing from the pain.  Kid could still hit pretty hard when he wanted to. “Not as fine as mine though.”

“Shut up before I shove a dumbbell up there.”

Dick clutched his behind in mock dread at the threat.

“Seriously though, she’s obviously into you.”

Tim rolled his eyes. “The way I see it, from where I’m standing, she’s more into you.”

“Oh ho, do I detect a note of jealousy?”

“No,” Tim denied hotly, though his cheeks told a different story.  “It’s just that you’re being super-gross about it.  You know you’re acting like Bruce by coming onto every giddy schoolgirl and her mom who walks in through the door.”

Dick’s smirk jerked slightly.

“Wow, okay dude, we’re really going there.”  It was his turn to be hurt by insensitivity.  “You didn’t need to go that far.  I’ll have you know this and that are completely different.”

“How so?”

“I approach these things from a sole marketing perspective.  Purely professional.  It’s called ‘show business’, bro.”

“Uh-huh.  This coming from the guy who just lied about his scars to make himself look good.  I suppose ‘that’s’ also part of your advertising strategy?”

“Hey, it’s not like it was a total lie.  That really did happen, you know – minus the ‘falling debris’ part.  …Besides, what else would you have me say?”

Tim shook his head, keeping his voice low.  “…I don’t know.”

Dick seized on the telling silence.  “You are attracted to her, aren’t you?”

“I am not.”

“It’s okay, I can see why. It’s all right to admit these things, you know.  You don’t have to hide it.”

“I’m not hiding anything.”

The firm, yet flustered defiance only further confirmed Dick’s suspicion.

“Heh heh, little Timmy’s got a crush~”

He tousled Tim’s hair teasingly, to which the boy scowled.

“I do not.”  He pushed the invading hand away in indignation.  “Will you cut that out already?  I’m not a kid anymore.”

Dick lowered his limb in disappointment.

“Okay, okay.  Sorry.”  Despite insistence otherwise, it delighted Dick that Tim was finally exhibiting some of the youthful desire – if not exuberance – he’d missed out on through his teenage years.  “Trust me though, I have no interest in someone her age.  She’s all yours.”

“Look, will you just drop it?” Tim snapped bluntly.  “It’s none of your freakin’ business.”

Dick exhaled, clicking his tongue.  If only Tim could be more honest with his feelings, true to himself – though he was painfully aware of how excruciatingly difficult that must be, what with everything the boy had been through.  To be fair, he had his own troubles genuinely opening his heart to others, after all the times it had been broken and betrayed before.  …He could only imagine how terrifying it must be for Tim, to allow someone else – a complete and total stranger – to get close by entering into his currently (semi-)stable and secure – if supremely secluded life, experience that kind of risky emotion again. Breach the many walls and defensive barriers he had set up around himself, upset the plainly precarious balance that was still a struggle to barely maintain.  So as much as he wanted to continue coaxing and clowning – kidding around, he agreed to leave it alone for now, raising both palms in admitted defeat.

“Okay, I get it.  I won’t bother you about it anymore.”

The subject successfully dismissed, Tim attuned towards the boxes in the back.

“So did you want me to help with moving this stuff or what?”

“Yeah, I needed to clear out some old things to make space for new equipment.  Trying to tidy up the place more, getting rid of useless junk and whatnot.  …Although most of it’s probably going up to the storeroom in the attic anyway.  Sorry to bother you for this; I’d do all the lifting myself, but with my back…”

“Don’t mention it, it’s the least I can do to repay you.”

“Thanks, I appreciate it.”

Tim knelt by one of the cartons as Dick set to work sifting and sorting, organizing according to some arbitrary system that ostensibly only made sense to him.

“Christ, how much crap do you have here?  Seriously, what even is half this junk?  I knew you had all kinds of odd ends lying around, but I didn’t realize it amounted to this much.  Do you ever throw anything away?”

Dick shrugged.

“What can I say, I’m a hoarder by nature.  Keeping keepsakes is my hobby.   …Well, more like a habit, I guess.  Why do you think we had a trophy room in the basement?  It wasn’t originally Bruce’s idea, I can tell you that.”

Tim remained quiet as he poked through a large collection of CDs, containing a few recognizable but mostly random titles by various indie bands and artists he’d never heard of.

“Man, you’ve got weird taste in music.”

“Hey, don’t knock the classics.  Those are precious goods, be careful with those.”

In spite of his scoffing, Tim picked up one of the discs that appealed to him, and was almost about to subconsciously slip the item under his oversized hoodie – an old, old habit of his own – before remembering he didn’t have to resort to sneaking or stealing when he could just ask.

“Can I borrow this?”

Dick didn’t even twist to look, implicitly trusting in his little brother’s judgment.  “Yeah sure, go ahead.”

Tim breathed out in relief as he pocketed the prize with permission.  That was a close call.  Borderline kleptomaniac compulsions hadn’t surfaced like that in a long time, but then, it was only another minor checkbox on the extensive, exhaustive list of psychotic symptoms he was suffering from today.

There was another entry that caught his eye, different from the others.  It had no hard case or album cover; just a plain, simple jacket labeled with marker:

For Babs.

Tim wondered if it was a mix tape – surely Dick wouldn’t have tried to record something himself? He couldn’t tell whether it was a gift Dick planned to give but never worked up the courage to – or something Barbara sent back after (one of numerous) breakup(s).

…Maybe Joker was right. Being in love with someone seemed like way more hassle than it was worth.  Hell, just watching those two go back and forth between affection and anger even back then was tiring.  Aggravating.

At any rate, he left burning curiosity alone, not wanting to intrude too much on Dick’s privacy (years ago he would’ve taunted his brother with the juicy bit of exposing bait himself, but that was then, when he was less mature and still found amusement in such things), and moved on to another container.  As soon as he saw the contents inside, he balked a bit, heartbeat spiking.  Aching.  It was a family photo album, full of fond memories from the Flying Graysons’ circus days. His hands trembled as he flipped tentatively through the pages, unable to tear away even though it made him uncomfortable for a number of reasons.  Paranoid of polaroids.  Anything involving camerawork tended to make him queasy, though he could typically tolerate homages to others at least.  These were different from the blown-up, polished posters on the wall though; the images portrayed within were more intimate, unscripted.  Candid, captured moments of a close-knit clan, happy as a clam – treasured remnants of childhood innocence and bliss combined with parental pampering.

“This must have been such a cool place to grow up.”

“…It was.”

Glancing back at the receptacle, buried at the bottom was another set of snapshots: a framed photograph of Dick and Barbara together (him smiling smugly straight at her in puppy-like adoration while she beamed brightly at the viewer instead), and a worn print of the former in graduation garb next to Bruce, who had his paw wrapped proudly on the other’s shoulder.  Scrawled on the top left-hand corner in Bruce’s surprisingly haphazard handwriting was a short congratulatory message:

Good luck at college, Dick.

Tim recalled how Dick told him the story of Bruce missing his graduation from Gotham State University, shortly before the two split up as Batman and Robin.  (…The old man never even bothered to come to his own high school ceremony – not that Tim was expecting him to – although Dick and Barbara both did attend at least, albeit sitting at opposite ends of the auditorium.)

“It was building for a long time.  I realize that now.  …It was never really right.  I mean, this isn’t exactly a normal childhood.”

He hadn’t really comprehended the notion then, but Tim understood now what those words meant – unfortunately all too well.

Tim sensed a shadow behind him, and for a brief instant, he half-envisioned it being Bruce from the way it loomed – but of course when he revolved around it was only Dick instead.

“Yo, you all right? You look like you’ve just seen a ghost.”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”  Tim looked down at the scrapbook in his lap, a wistful mist in his eyes.  “I was just… thinking I don’t really have any pictures of my folks.  At least none where we’re all together.”  Or that isn’t a mugshot, he thought sullenly to himself.  “I never saw my dad keep any mementos of Mom after she died.  To be honest, I’m not sure I even still remember what she looks like.”

Dick plopped down on the ground next to him, resting a hand on the boy’s sagged shoulder.

“Listen, I hope you know: No matter what, you can always think of the two of us as family at least. I know I haven’t exactly been that much of a great guardian myself, that I could never replace what you lost either… But you are still a brother to me. Hell, I consider you the closest thing to a real relative I’ve had since then.”

Tim simply nodded, swallowing a lump in his gorge.  Dick patted his back with a thump.

“Us guys, we gotta stick together, right?  Through thick and thin.”

“Yeah.”  Tim ducked his neck towards his collar, surreptitiously drying ducts on his sweatshirt.  “…Thanks, you know, for letting me stay here so long.  Roy and Conner too.”

“Hey, what are friends for?” A pause.  “…How’s Conner doing by the way?”

Tim snorted, the caution in the other’s tone not escaping his notice.  “What do you care?  You never liked him anyway.”

“That’s not true. It’s just… The whole idea of cloning someone kinda wigs me out, okay?  I dunno, imagining there being a duplicate copy of you running around is freaky enough, but one of Superman?  It still doesn’t sit well with me to leave him loose like that, after all the underhanded crap Cadmus has pulled.  Something about it just doesn’t seem right.  Who’s to say he doesn’t have some secret kill switch that’ll make him go rogue like Supergirl’s doppelganger?  Gotham may be full of crazies and creeps, but at least we never really had to deal with stuff of metahuman caliber aside from Ivy and Clayface, or Kirk when he took the serum.”  Dick intentionally didn’t include Killer Croc on the atypical rogues roster; guy was too dumb a criminal to count.  “We’re on the high end of the ‘weird’ scale, sure, but not even Batman’s equipped to take down a serious superpowered menace alone.”

Tim glared at him in disbelief.

“Is that you talking, or the old man?”

“…Maybe a bit of both,” Dick willingly conceded.  “Look, I’m just worried, that’s all.”

“Yeah well, don’t be. I’ve got Mr. Kent on speed-dial, and Kon gave me his full consent to use the Kryptonite at my discretion as part of our ‘roommate agreement’.  If anything happens, he told me himself he wants me to hit him with it as hard as I can.” …Even if it meant killing him – although Tim knew he could never go through with that. Not again. “Besides, it’s not him you’re actually worried about, is it?”

“Tim…”

“No, you know what this is?” Tim clenched his fist, drawing away from contact again.  “You look at him with the same way you do me – like some ticking time bomb about to explode. I’m getting real sick and tired of it.”

“It’s not like that.”

“Sure it isn’t.  Look, for your information, Conner’s doing fine. Hell, he pretty much behaves just like you; he’s probably getting wasted and chasing after chicks at some mixer right now.  …That’s what you call a ‘normal college life’, isn’t it?”

Dick cleared his throat, aversely acknowledging hypocrisy.

“…What about you?  How is school going?  Do you like it there?”

Tim shrugged.

“It’s okay.”

“You know you didn’t have to just stick locally around here.  If you wanted to go someplace else I would’ve sponsored you.  I mean, I chose to stay close to Gotham because of that… ‘part-time job’ stuff, but you’re smart, you could’ve gone anywhere better.”

“I told you, I’m fine with this.”

“What about taking that girl’s suggestion at least?  Life doesn’t just have to be about books and studying for tests all the time either, you know.  Look at it this way: You’ve got the time and opportunity now to be a part of after-class club activities that I never had.  Why not take advantage of it, get out there and socialize.  Enjoy the excitement of your youth and all that.”

Tim stared, trying unsuccessfully to read the other’s expression.  He couldn’t deduce whether the dude was just being humorously sarcastic, or genuinely envious and attempting to live vicariously through him.  Either way, he wasn’t falling for it.

“I said forget it.”                                                          

Dick kept pressing despite disengagement, earnest in his endeavor to tempt Tim to pursue what used to fill the boy with fervent passion, desperately hoping to rekindle some kind of joyful spark.

“Come on, I’m sure it’ll be fun.  I bet I could even still teach you to do a quadruple somersault if you’re interested.”

“Why?  I suck at it.”

“You just need more practice.  …Besides, it’d be kind of a shame to let a legacy die out without passing it on to at least one person.”

Tim wavered at the sincere, if somewhat scheming statement.

“I don’t know…”

“Trust me, it’s easy once you get the hang of it.”

“Maybe for you.”  He bitterly bit his tongue under his breath.  “I’d like to see you try to concentrate on keeping your balance with the Joker as a peanut gallery.”

“What was that?”

“…Nothing.”

Dick held his gaze for a second.

“Tim, I didn’t want to bring this up, but… Conner called me the other day.  He told me, about the lab incident.  He says you haven’t been sleeping or eating much either.”

Tim grit his jaw, feeling like a dagger had just been thrust in his gut.  He couldn’t believe his best (perhaps only) bud in the world would betray him like that.

“Damnit, Kon.”

“Don’t blame him, he’s just worried about you too.  I told you: You don’t need to keep hiding things from us.  We’re here to help if you need anything.  Babs too.  If something’s troubling you, you can talk to us.”

“It’s fine, I’m handling it.”

Dick wouldn’t desist, determined to get the truth out of him.

“Tim, I heard you yelling earlier.  …He’s back again, isn’t he?”

The boy sighed in surrender, eyes slanting stage right.  “…To your left, making faces.”

His partner fixed him with stern concern.

“Are you off your meds again?”

“They don’t work.  Not as well as they used to.”

“That doesn’t mean you should just stop taking them.”

“For what?  So I can only experience the side effects?”

“So talk to Leslie.  Ask her to adjust the dosage.”

Tim made a hollow noise.  “I’m already on the highest strength that’s considered ‘safe’ for human consumption.”

Dick pulled out his phone anyway and began dialing her number.

“I’m contacting her.  There must be at least something else we can try.”

“Not Dr. Thompkins,” Tim whined, as if a toddler throwing a tantrum.

“Look, either you call to make an appointment, or I will.”

Tim seethed, grinding his teeth.  “All right, fine.  Jeeze. God, you and Barbara still both treat me like a fucking child.”

“Yeah well, maybe if you stop acting like one.”

“Whatever.  Just hand me the phone.  I’ll talk to her.”

Dick extended the cell towards Tim, who took it with all the enthusiasm of accepting a dirty sock.

“It’s ringing.”

He listened closely in on the conversation to confirm a meeting time was set up, before Tim returned the receiver.

“Here.  She wants to talk to you.”

Dick lifted the mobile to his ear.

“Hey, doc.”

“Hello, Richard.  It’s good to hear from you boys.  How’s the back treating you?”

“Fine.”  He didn’t want to dwell too much on his own health status, so he moved on to the matter at hand.  “Is there anything we can do to help Tim?”

“In such a rare and unusual case as this, it’s hard to say.  It’d be beneficial to start by identifying the root of his relapse.  Once we pinpoint that, it’ll be easier to formulate a treatment plan.   It’s possible it could just be due to the stress of moving to a new environment.  It’s good that you’ve been able to help support him through high school, but now that he’s becoming independent it may be triggering a stronger separation anxiety response in him.  Even if consciously he rejects it, the Joker ingrained himself as a parental figure in Tim’s mind.  Essentially, he equates that kind of attention with the nurturing love and protection he never properly received growing up.  It’s common for child victims of abuse to form a disorganized attachment to the caregiver, especially when the caregiver behaves in an inconsistent manner.  The conflict of the caregiver being both a source of comfort and distress can cause the child to display contradictory patterns when faced with a stressful situation; instinct tells him to simultaneously avoid and approach the one who is mistreating him.   In the absence of a familiar atmosphere he’s accustomed to, he’s likely seeking alternate methods of coping as a survival mechanism.  Has he been under any kind of particular pressure lately?”

Dick relayed the events leading up to the fainting spell, with little input from Tim beyond affirmative nods.

“I see.  It’s certainly a sign of progress that he’s trying to face his fears, but a heads-on approach might not be the best tactic.”

“I tried to tell him that.  He won’t listen.”

“I’ll have a chat with him about it when I see him, hopefully we can find a way for him to succeed in his studies without compromising his sense of safety.  One more question, this is important: Has he tried to harm himself?”

“I… don’t think so.  I’ll check, and let you know.”

“Please do.”

As Dick temporarily terminated the exchange, he rotated to see Tim had stood up and was headed towards the door.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

“Out for a smoke – walk – whatever.  Just text me when you need me.”

“Hold it.”  The harsh bark arrested the boy before he was halfway to the exit.  “Wrists.”

Tim swiveled with a sour countenance.

“Seriously?  Do we really have to do this?”

“Show me.”

He hissed, but obediently rolled up his sleeves, revealing bare but apparently unmarked skin.

“Satisfied?”

Dick advanced and examined him all over anyway, before nodding.

“All right.  Now empty your pockets.”

Tim tsked, feeling as violated as when the staff at the detention center frisked him on admittance for any concealed contraband.  He dug through his possessions, retrieving objects one by one: phone, wallet, CD player, lighter, cigarettes, and finally – under Dick’s demanding eye – the hidden pocketblade.

“Give me the knife.”

He hesitated.

“Don’t make me wrestle it from you.”

Relinquishing, he slapped the weapon into Dick’s grip without a word.

“Thank you.  You can go, but try to keep near.”

“Sure thing, Mom.”

Dick deliberately chose to ignore the sardonic retort, used to receiving attitude by now.  (For a fleeting moment, he mused if he ever gave Bruce this much frustration, although no doubt Alfred would certainly attest to it.)

After Tim left, Dick hit redial to reassuringly inform Leslie on the observed lack of self-inflicted damage to the patient’s physical condition at least – and preemptive confiscation of means just to be safe – before bidding goodbye with a final beep.  He sighed as he rubbed his neck, hoping his “tough love” hadn’t come off as too deterring. He really wasn’t good with this whole “parenting” thing, considering the primary role model he had for nearly half of his life after early adolescence.

As he picked up the memoir from the floor, he caressed his fingers feather-light over the cover, brushing off collected dust and disenchantment before delicately placing it on a shelf for easy viewing access.  The rest he unceremoniously dumped in the “to toss” pile, purposefully cramming as much trash as he could on top.  …After a few minutes though he fished them out again, rescuing from the base of the rubbish heap with ambivalent reluctance, restoring to the original package and sealing tightly with tape.  They could remain upstairs for now at least – like his ruined Nightwing costume – evidence of old wounds and shattered bonds shuttered behind closed panel; tucked away in the dark recesses of his conscience, lurking and lingering deep in the shadows off-screen.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Two birds of a feather Say that they're always gonna stay together But one's never going to let go of that wire He says that he will But he's just a liar

#TimSteph #Tim Drake #Timmy Todd #Stephanie Brown #Dick Grayson #Batman the Animated Series #Batman Beyond #DCAU #Return of the Joker #fanfiction #starstories #Ironically Dick later gets a clone himself in the 'Hush Beyond' comic story arc #which is a mess in all sorts of ways but I'm considering canon for the sake of keeping 'continuity' #on the subject of the tie in comics though one thing I love about Gotham Adventures is how they highlight Dick's fondness for music #wherein his musical knowledge actually comes in handy to help solve a couple cases #if you haven't read the series I highly recommend doing so for a lot more extra character development and wonderful BatFam interactions <3 #also FYI all the photographs appeared in the show at some point #cookie to whoever guesses which ep each is from ;O #P.S. Happy Father's Day

[televisor-reviews]

Top 10 BEST Films Of 2018

Taking this extra year to look at the film market of 2018 has given me the space to really look at the year as a whole as, what I’d describe as, really extreme. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t awful, and I wouldn’t really say it was mediocre either. There were lots of movies I loved but just as many I hated with surprisingly few I thought were just okay. Both the best and worst lists were pretty hard to put together because there were so many movies I really wanted to put on them. Cutting Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom from my worst list was a serious heartbreaker for me. But that only means that I’m particularly quite happy with how both turned out, there’s some seriously game changing films on this list. And keep in mind that, despite how much I tried, I still couldn’t watch every movie from the year: so as amazing as I’m sure A Star Is Born and Best F(r)iends are, I just didn’t get around to them. If you’d like a list of every movie from 2018 I have seen (in order from best to worst), it can be found on my Letterboxd here: https://letterboxd.com/animatorreviewa/list/every-2018-movie-ive-seen/

#10. Searching Back in 2014, the world was introduced to a new form of filmmaking that told a story via the screen of the main protagonist’s computer in Blumhouse’s Unfriended. Kind of like a modern day found footage film. And while I was one of five people who really liked Unfriended and its 2018 followup Unfriended: Dark Web, I think Searching is the penultimate of what this newfound sub-genre is able to accomplish. Similar to what Cloverfield was able to do for found footage, Searching was able to use the computer screen film style to heighten the tension and breaks down a part of the audience’s suspension of disbelief to create a horrific experience for anyone who witnesses it. Which also puts a ton of pressure on the lead, John Cho, as even a moment of bad acting can break this fragile fourth wall. Pressure that Cho overcomes like it was nothing. All of this combines into an incredible experience that keeps its audience on the edge of their seats and constantly on the brink of a heart attack. I’m almost certain that Searching will be considered an important piece of 2010′s film history. #9. Bad Times At The El Royale In 2011, Drew Goddard set himself apart as a director with a very unique and interesting vision with his landmark piece A Cabin In The Woods. In 2018, he did it again with, in my opinion, an even better film, Bad Times At The El Royale with a fascinatingly put together and complicated story featuring some of the best acting from such a star studded cast I’ve seen in years. From Jeff Bridges playing against the Big Lebowski type most are familiar with to Jon Hamm definitely playing towards his Richard Jewell typecast to Dakota Johnson making up for all three Fifty Shades Of Grey movies with quite possibly her best performance. Bad Times At The El Royale is one of the most uniquely made mainstream movies I’ve seen in a while with several scenes told several times from different perspectives and each character breathed life into them with such interesting backstories. My only real problem is that the whole thing with half the place is in Nevada and the other half is in California doesn’t really go anywhere but it’s made up for as soon as Chris Hemsworth shows up to ham the hotel up. Incredibly entertaining and amazingly fascinating, this is a movie that threatens you with a good time. #8. The Favourite I appreciate that powdered wig period pieces are coming back into style with shit such as Beauty And The Beast (2017), The Age Of Adaline, and Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales. But among the failures of this once well respected sub-genre are good stuff too, for instance, The Favourite, a movie that actually remembers that British people spell some words with a “u”. One of my personal Favourite cliches of films nowadays is having a cast in which literally everybody is an asshole, see #9 and #1. And what I really like particularly with this is that old time-y movies about royalty can be really intimidating to hurdle, even now I have to hype myself up to watch something like Downton Abbey. But this overcomes it by being really entertaining with some great performances from the entire cast, especially Emma Stone showing once again why she deserves an Oscar! And the directing from Yorgos Lanthimos is so good, it actually makes me want to check out The Killing Of A Sacred Deer. The Favourite is a magnificently smartly fun picture that can satisfy both the most bored audience member and the most pretentious film critic. #7. Love, Simon Look, we all have biases. Some lead people to rave about how BlacKkKlansman is the best movie of the year because of how well it portrays black culture and their relationship with the police and evangelical racists. Some lead people raving about Crazy Rich Asians because it had the balls to fill its cast with Asians and Asian Americans. For me, an (at the time) openly bisexual 18 year old who masks most of my anxiety and fears with a very thin facade of comedy, Love, Simon really spoke to me while also entertaining the hell out of me. The script knew exactly when to be funny and when to be serious, when it should have a heartfelt scene and when it should go on a random tangent, and even when it’s trying to be funny or go on a tangent, it gives incredible insight into the main protagonist’s psyche. And for those moments, the context is everything. I remember cringing pretty hard at the whole “coming out as straight” bit in the trailer, but laughing my ass off when it showed up in the film. And Nick Robinson, who plays the titular character, kills it and I think he’s going to go places very soon. All of this culminates at the end, when the emotion is high and I (along with the rest of the theater) are on the edge of our seats, and Love, Simon got me to shed some tears. #6. Ralph Breaks The Internet Of the two million Disney movies released in 2018, this sequel is the highest one ranking on my list. And of the one million animated films released in 2018, this is actually the lowest one ranking on my list. Which kind of surprises me because you wouldn’t think so on the surface. On one hand, it’s just a sequel to a video game movie that lost Best Animated Picture to Brave, how is Wreck It Ralph 2 doing better than the emotional rollercoaster that was Christopher Robin or the long awaited and ton of fun that was The Incredibles 2. But then again, anyone who knows me knows that Wreck It Ralph is one of my favorite Disney cartoons, so how does it barely creep above the smart while not being funny at all Smallfoot or the only surface level hilarity that is Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation? Well, in some sense it’s much better than the original: with superior animation, a cooler concept, and finally realizing that the focus should be entirely on the real star, Princess Vanellope Von Schweetz. On the other hand, it doesn’t even come close to matching up: the humor is a tad sub par, too much is really going on, and considering the very cool concept, it should’ve done more with it. But did I still watch it a ton as soon as I could: absolutely. So who really won here: me for being a little disappointed or Disney who made a very entertaining film? The sixth spot feels about right to me. #5. Annihilation Between J.J. Abrams’s batshit crazy Nazi-zombie experiment Overlord, Steven Spielberg bringing his amazing talent to Ready Player One, Netflix throwing their hat into the “ripping off Big Hero 6″ ring with Next Gen, and do I even need to mention Marvel, 2018 was a damn good year for sci-fi in the middle of a decade that was, as a whole, great for the genre. And while Annihilation isn’t the last we’ll see from science fiction on the list, it is the one that’s here largely because of that. Flatly, I love how the science in this movie works; in general, I tend to prefer my sci-fi very grounded and that is how Annihilation works. I could kind of see how something like this bubble can exist and everything inside it really working this way. But what I really love about this film’s science is that it is a borderline horror flick. Once Natalie Portman walks through into the anti-Wizard Of Oz, the shit that goes down is horrifying. All of a sudden: up is down, left is right, and nobody knows what time it is and I loved it! This kind of gaslighting horror that I don’t see a whole lot of lately really throws the audience through a loop because for once, we don’t know what’s going on either. And for a film to really go so far just to confuse people, I have to at least respect. And to do it so well with some amazing acting on just about everybody’s part, I must love! Annihilation is a serious experience that I wished I was able to catch on the big screen. #4. Sorry To Bother You In 2018, Donald “Childish “Lando Calrissian” Gambino” Glover released his major #1 single, This Is America. Whether you love it or you hate it, you have to admit that it was saying a lot in such a unique way. The world that music video took place in was a nonsensical cartoon to somehow represent the plight of African Americans in the United States. I’m not gonna pretend like I totally understand because I definitely don’t; the point is that the portrayal struck a nerve with a lot of people and, personally, it did feel like a proper way of showing it. And Sorry To Bother You does something very similar, portraying the African American plight in a humorous, cartoonish, and unrealistic way to counteract the very serious, down to earth, and realistic parts. Do black people need to completely show themselves as white to get anything done; maybe not but we all know that people in general are much friendlier and nicer to those who sound like their ideals, usually meaning white. Are we, as a nation, (spoilers) turning poor (and considering how blacks are predisposed to being lower middle class because of reasons relating to how capitalism works, most of the blacks of the world) people into horses; I sure hope not but big companies and better off citizens do tend to think of the working class as just objects to do shit for them. Sorry To Bother You brings up a lot of the problems prevalent in modern society, especially those that directly relate to African Americans, in a palpable and entertaining way is ingenious and amazingly well done thanks to the overwhelming talent of Boots Riley and I cannot wait for his next big project. It’s definitely the best racial relations film of the year, beating out other great films like Monsters And Men, If Beale Street Could Talk, and The Oath. #3. Isle Of Dogs 2018 is a year that really threw me through a loop as far as films went. When I went to see Isle Of Dogs, I was certain that it’ll be the best movie of the year, absolutely no competition. Then, later on, when the #1 film came out, I was certain that would be it. Then the #2 spot came out and made me question everything all over again. Anyway, Isle Of Dogs is Wes Anderson being very Wes Anderson-y while combining it with the same kind of claymation he used in the fantastic Fantastic Mr. Fox and the traditional culture of Japan that’s oh so lovable. And as much as I love the Anderson style, the animation used here, and how Japanese culture is portrayed, involving my favorite animal brings my appreciation over the top. I am so down to get a million more films in which the theme of the picture is that dogs rule. This really is the kind of film that I love just about every aspect of, and though it might mostly be on a surface level way, I really don’t have anything bad to say about this film. It’s almost boring how much I enjoy this, I don’t have much to say except please watch it. It’s so good! #2. Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse Back in 2012, the world as a whole was introduced to a pair of directors mostly known for animation named Phil Lord and Chris Miller when they directed the surprise hit 21 Jump Street and its followup 22 Jump Street. The world then got to know them a little bit better when they seemingly single-handedly jumpstarted the beloved The Lego Movie franchise. Then in 2018, everyone learned that no matter how crazy, Lord and Miller know what they’re doing when their firing spelled doom for the financial flop that was Solo: A Star Wars Story. So when the pair brought their producing and writing talent to a Sony Animation made Spider-Man movie just a year after The Emoji Movie, I think most people were expecting to enjoy it if only because that snippet at the end of Venom was really well animated. But I don’t think anyone was expecting an Academy Award winning film. Whenever I went onto my Twitter for a solid month, all I saw were people exclaiming how Into The Spider-Verse was their favorite movie of the year and then again for another month after the Oscars took place. All of a sudden, Disney Marvel, Warner Bros. DC, and Fox X-Men (rest in peace), have a brand new and major competitor... and for good reason, this movie is incredible. I immediately accepted it as easily the best Spider-Man movie ever, but took a few watchings for me to accept it as the second best film of the year and a few more to accept it as my Phil Lord and savior. It is so much fun, so entertaining, so enjoyable with such great characters, amazing writing, and hilarious comedy all wrapped with a brilliantly animated bow. Another film I really have nothing bad to say about, this is just a fantastic film through and through. Before we get to #1, here’s some Runners Up:

Black Panther This was the year I got a little spent on superhero movies. Considering how I still put Into The Spider-Verse as my #2, clearly not that much, but I just wasn't super amazed by what Marvel, DC, or X-Men had to offer. But I don’t think I even disliked any: Avengers: Infinity War was fun but incredibly unfocused, Teen Titans Go! To The Movies was hilarious but was still just a poor child’s version of Teen Titans, and Deadpool 2 had some great action but not nearly as entertaining as its predecessor. Black Panther was the only one that really left a real mark on me, but even still, it’s not the best film of the year to handle black culture. Even as far as Ryan Coogler films go, I think I’d rather watch Creed or its sequel Creed 2. It’s good but I don’t think it deserved a best picture nomination. Instant Family Hear me out, the movie in which Mark Wahlberg and Rose Byrne adopt Dora The Explorer and her two bratty siblings directed and written by the same guys behind Daddy’s Home 2 and Horrible Bosses 2 is the feel good movie of the year, is incredibly hilarious and underrated, and even got me to shed a tear by the end. There is no excuse to let Daddy’s Home flourish and this beauty and die, I implore you to please watch it. You will not regret it, let it get big on home media, get more of these made! Vice I get that not everybody gets the Adan McKay style of making a dramedy like in The Big Short or Bombshell, but I do and I love both Christian Bale and Amy Adams so Vice was really up my alley! I just thought of it as a really enjoyable movie with a message I was predisposed to agree with. What really throws this into being a great movie to me is that Christian Bale really is that good in this, maybe one of the best performances in his career. I don’t know, I thought it was funny so I enjoyed it well enough. Won’t You Be My Neighbor? I think most people agree that this was easily the best documentary of the year. As much love as I have for Fahrenheit 11/9 for being my first theatrical documentary and Behind The Curve for being one of few docs that are incredibly entertaining, I had to eventually break down and admit that Won’t You Be My Neighbor (once again) made me cry because I grew up loving Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood that much. Especially now that we’re past A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood leaving not nearly as big of a mark as people were expecting and we’re still watching and talking about this documentary, I think this actually has the lasting impact it earned. Green Book It won best picture, I guess I’ll talk about it. As a movie, Green Book is fine. It’s well made with some good acting, I’ll allow it being considered good. Is it racist? I’d say probably not but it does definitely feel racist. Kinda like that scene from The Office where Michael Scott does his Chris Rock impression; you know he’s not racist and he doesn’t mean for it to come across as it but it still absolutely does. Considering the message of the story is “don’t be racist/homophobic,” I’m pretty sure that it’s not racist/homophobic, it just doesn’t know how to say it without coming across as such. My real big issue is with it winning the same year that had Roma and Can You Ever Forgive Me?, it had no business even being nominated. But outside of all of that, Green Book is an okay movie. Mid90s The 2010s owes a ton to Jonah Hill and I don’t think most people realized that. He told studios how to translate old properties to a modern audience with 21 Jump Street, showed how comedians can combine their sense of humor with the serious setting around them in The Wolf Of Wall Street, and most importantly to this entry, showed how coming of age stories should be told in this day and age with Superbad. Ever since, for better or worse, coming of age films have been trying to recreate that magic. The closest to get it right, in my opinion, is The Edge Of Seventeen but still goes wrong by being much much better, but Mid90s does some really great stuff as well. I appreciate any theatrical film that’s willing to be filmed in a way that doesn’t look theatrical at all. And I also appreciate the likable but very flawed characters portrayed. Mid90s really left a mark in my mind and is a great start to Jonah Hills directorial career. Aggretsuko: We Wish You A Metal Christmas And for my pick of short film of the year, let’s talk about what might be my favorite Netflix series, Aggretsuko! As a cradle between season one to season two, this does a great job at portraying these super relatable characters in a very entertaining scenario all set during Christmas! Maybe it’d make more sense to give this honor to something more impactful like A Sister or clever like I’m Poppy: The Film or even a nice surprise like Harvey Birdman, Attorney General, but no. I refuse. I enjoyed A Very Merry Aggretsuko Christmas much more. Book Club Considering how I’ve spent literally every Worst Of list talking about how awful Fifty Shades Of Grey is, even that year it took off I ended up watching and bitching about Fifty Shades Of Black, I’d like to talk about what is easily the best film to come out of this franchise. Book Club is basically a bunch of old lady celebrities getting together, reading the Fifty Shades books, and talking about their sex lives. It’s like a feature length Gilmore Girls movie and I loved not only the idea, but the film itself was hilarious. I enjoyed the hell out of it. Black Mirror: Bandersnatch As a die hard Black Mirror fanatic, of course I was excited for a full Black Mirror movie with, from what I’ve heard, five hours worth of footage. Especially since its story was told in such a fascinating and unique way, I was interested as hell into this and I loved it! I’ve loved select your own adventure books and games for a long time now, from Detroit: Become Human to Gravity Falls: Dipper and Mabel and the Curse of the Time Pirates' Treasure!: A "Select Your Own Choose-Venture!". So one set in the well established and amazingly well put together world of Netflix’s British Twilight Zone, sounds incredible and it was! It’s just so cool! Bumblebee Laika didn’t have a movie in 2018, but I feel like we still did with Bumblebee. Getting Travis Knight, the director of Kubo And The Two Strings, objectively their best picture, to do a Transformers entry is ingenious! If anyone should know how a creature like this would move and how to differentiate any one robot from another robot, it’s an acclaimed director from Laika. Now that we’ve finally pried this franchise from Michael Bay’s claws and Paramount playing it smart with their directors, maybe we’ll finally get a series of good Transformers films... or maybe Transformers 7 is cancelled and all hope is lost. #1. Hereditary I think the 2010s get a bad wrap when it comes to horror. All too often I hear Gen X-ers proclaiming how, “there’s no good scary movies anymore!” Completely forgetting hits like The Cloverfield Paradox, A Quiet Place, and The First Purge. Every new trend of a certain genre can usually be traced back to one major film: 1930s had Frankenstein, 1980s had Halloween (BTW, the 2018 one is also great), 2000s had The Blair Witch Project, etc. I think this new trend of mixing slow and suspenseful with big jump scares and everything is dark can be thanks largely to The Conjuring. While that franchise might have started the trend, I feel pretty certain that Hereditary perfected it. Every scare is at least mildly horrifying, the loops it throws you through is abundant, at no point are you sure what’s going on, and by the end, you find yourself breathing much heavier than you remember doing. Hereditary is a trip and a half that I loved going through again and again. I think when people think back to what was the best horror film of each decade: 1930s Dracula, 1980s The Shining, 2000s The Ring, 2010s Hereditary. I loved this movie in all its horrific glory.

#hereditary #the cloverfield paradox #a quiet place #the first purge #halloween #bumblebee #black mirror #bandersnatch #book club #aggretsuko #we wish you a metal christmas #a sister #I'm poppy the film #harvey birdman attorney general #mid90s #green book #roma #can you ever forgive me #won't you be my neighbor? #fahrenheit 11/9 #behind the curve #vice #instant family #black panther #avengers #infinity war #teen titans go to the movies #deadpool 2 #creed 2 #spider-man

[junker-town]

Can Ryan Tannehill and the Titans really keep this up?

Christopher Hanewinckel-USA TODAY Sports

Tennessee is surging thanks to unexpected performances. Are they sustainable?

Titans head coach Mike Vrabel pulled Marcus Mariota out of the lineup midway through a Week 6 loss to the Broncos. This may be the smartest decision he’s ever made.

Ryan Tannehill, freed from the Dolphins in exchange for a pair of Day 3 draft picks, has put his Miami past behind him while rallying the Titans into the thick of the playoff race. A 2-4 start has blossomed into a 7-5 record with four weeks left in the season. Tannehill is 5-1 as the starter and the offense has only gotten better; the Titans’ last two wins, over the Colts and Jaguars, came by a combined 36 points.

Tannehill’s been the spark, but the rest of the Titans’ roster provided plenty of combustible material to fuel this midseason explosion. Derrick Henry has become a rare combination of bruising and big-play threat out of the backfield. The defense is giving up lots of yards, but not lots of points.

Those are all reasons Tennessee looks capable of earning a playoff spot — it’s currently a tiebreaker behind the Steelers for the sixth seed — and then making noise this winter. None of them seem totally, 100 percent reliable. So let’s look at each of the team’s three major high points over the course of this hot streak and see how likely these big performances are to continue.

Ryan Tannehill has been playing inspired football

You cannot separate Tennessee’s surge from Tannehill’s presence behind center. In Week 12, he destroyed the Jaguars so thoroughly that Big Cat Country published a game recap lamenting the end of Jacksonville’s playoff hopes midway through the third quarter. Tannehill had four touchdowns against the Jags — two passing and two rushing, including one where he basically exploded into the end zone.

PUT THE TEAM ON YOUR BACK, 17! @ryantannehill1 | #JAXvsTEN pic.twitter.com/cyZilqbjp4

— Tennessee Titans (@Titans) November 24, 2019

Through eight games and six starts, Tannehill leads the league in passing efficiency (9.1 yards per attempt) and passer rating (113.9) despite getting sacked on approximately one in every eight dropbacks. He’s mitigated that pressure with an underrated scrambling game en route to career highs in both rushing attempts per game (3.8) and rushing touchdowns (three). He’s scored multiple touchdowns in each of his last six games.

More importantly, he’s come up big in pressure situations. With his back against the wall against the Chiefs, he delivered three completions of 18+ yards to turn a 32-27 deficit with less than a minute to play into a 35-32 statement win. That’s only one of three game-winning drives he’s dialed up for the Titans.

Can Tannehill continue to play like an MVP? His advanced stats suggest there’s some hope, but that a regression is coming. Per SIS, the veteran’s 2019 explosion has been a function of more accurate passing, more opportunities downfield, and a booming mid-range passing game.

His big gain in air yards per pass (the distance his throws travel beyond the line of scrimmage) is a major part of his 2019 breakthrough. He’s completed 33 of his 43 passes that have gone between 10 and 19 yards downfield. That 76.7 percent completion rate is significantly (and, to be honest, suspiciously) higher than the 58.6 percent rate he had on similar passes in his last three seasons as a Dolphin. No other starting quarterback in the league has cracked the 70 percent barrier.

Maintaining that rate would make the Titans’ offense a juggernaut come January, but it’s not especially realistic to hope it’ll happen. A.J. Brown has been a borderline 1,000-yard wideout alongside Tannehill, Adam Humphries has been a sure-handed slot target, and Jonnu Smith has been quietly steady in injured tight end Delanie Walker’s stead.

That’s the top of the team’s receiving/tight end corps, however, and none of those guys are proven entities. It’s a lower-profile group than Tannehill had worked with over eight years in Miami — guys like Jarvis Landry, Kenny Stills, and DeVante Parker, for example — but the veteran QB is putting up (waaaaay) better numbers with lesser-known guys. A late-season breakout from former No. 5 overall pick Corey Davis would certainly help, but he’s been nothing if not frustratingly inconsistent as a pro.

Then you get to the offensive line, which has struggled in protection this fall. Taylor Lewan made the Pro Bowl in each of the past three seasons, then started 2019 with a four-game suspension due to a violation of the league’s PED code. Since his return, he’s blown more blocks than ever before and responsible for more than a penalty per game. Jack Conklin has failed to live up to the All-Pro standard he set as a rookie in 2016. Rookie Nate Davis has been overwhelmed along the line’s interior, and Rodger Saffold hasn’t been as good as he’d been with the Rams last season.

Add that all up, and you’ve got a quarterback with an unsustainable 12 percent sack rate. The fact Tannehill is playing at such a high level despite getting crushed by (and occasionally straight-up running into) traffic in the pocket is amazing. The numbers say his efficiency is due for a drop, but they don’t also factor in his awesomely clutch play for a guy who’d been a backup for the first six weeks of the season.

Tannehill has been legitimately impressive to watch over the middle of the 2019 season. While it’s unlikely to last it’s been so, so fun to witness (unless you’re a Chiefs fan).

Derrick Henry has jumped from good to great

Here is what Henry did in the three-game span between Weeks 11 and 13:

496 rushing yards

7.3 yards per carry

5 rushing TDs

That’s a full season pace of 2,645 yards and 27 touchdowns. Good. Lord.

The question isn’t whether Henry can keep that up — as good as he’s been, those are superhuman numbers. Instead, it’s whether he can approach this level of greatness on a regular basis.

Henry’s three-plus seasons as an NFL running back have been marred by inconsistency. The former Alabama star has 11 games in his career with 90+ rushing yards and 19 with fewer than 30. He’d been stuffed repeatedly in low-wattage losses to the Jaguars and Broncos under Mariota’s care earlier this season.

That’s concerning, but you could argue this is the arrival he’d been primed for after years of slow build. Henry spent his rookie and sophomore seasons as part of a platoon with DeMarco Murray, averaging only nine carries per game. Although Murray’s retirement led to more starts, the addition of Dion Lewis kept Henry from being a bellwether back — he got 13.4 rushes per game in a 1,059-yard season last year.

Lewis has been mostly ineffective as a runner this year (98 rushing yards in 12 games), leaving the powerful young back to pick up the slack. Henry’s 19.3 rushes per game are third-most in the league behind Nick Chubb and Christian McCaffrey, That’s a big jump, but Henry, if anything, has been getting stronger as he’s piled up mileage.

What’s more, he’s been able to do this behind the same offensive line that’s struggled to keep Tannehill’s jersey clean. The Titans are significantly better when it comes to clearing lanes for their runners than they’ve been in pass protection. While the club ranks dead last in Football Outsiders’ adjusted sack rate, it also ranks first in power rush rate.

This all indicates Henry should be able to approach (though not maintain, because like I said before, crazy) this pace as the season wears on. He’s thrived playing alongside his new quarterback. They’ve kept opponents from selling out against either the run or the pass, which been the rising tide that’s lifted Tennessee into the playoff race. Henry *probably* won’t average 120 yards per game to finish out 2019, but he’ll still be pretty dang good.

Plus, his ability to turn mundane plays into monster gains means every handoff he takes is worth watching.

players with multiple 70+ yard runs since 2016 Derrick Henry: 4 Leonard Fournette: 3 Nick Chubb, Dalvin Cook, DeMarco Murray, Christian McCaffrey, Mark Ingram, Isaiah Crowell (??): 2

— Christian D'Andrea (@TrainIsland) November 25, 2019

The defense still has major questions to answer

Tennessee can point to one major statistic when arguing it can ride this rally to the playoffs. The Titans rank seventh in the league by allowing only 19.5 points per game. That’s good! It also doesn’t tell the whole story of the team’s tenuous defense. These figures are much more in line with the defense Tannehill and Henry have had to overcome through late October and November:

21st in yards allowed (362)

16th in yards allowed per play (5.4)

18th in sack rate (6.7 percent)

17th in yards allowed per pass attempt (6.8)

The Titans have been outgained in 2019 by more than 30 yards per game. If you limit their performances only to games started by Tannehill that scoring average jumps to 23.7 points allowed per game — 22nd-best in that span. Though the dissonance between their overall scoring defense and total defense suggests that unit slams shut near the goal line, Tennessee has allowed touchdowns on nearly 65 percent of opponents’ trips to the red zone — a ratio that ranks 30th in the league.

A strong turnover game (19 in 12 games, though four came against the turnover-machine Buccaneers) has been a boon, though isn’t necessarily something on which the team can rely.

Most of the numbers point to this unit being more average than good. Harold Landry’s had a breakout second season, but the team’s second-leading sacker has been Logan Ryan ... who is a cornerback. There’s also evidence that Landry is due for a downturn as the season wears on.

The average league pass rusher turns a QB hit into a sack 45 percent of the time. Landry, with nine sacks from 12 hits, is an outlier at 75 percent. Teammate Cameron Wake, for comparison, had 11 QB hits but just 2.5 sacks.

Injuries have played a role as well. Only six players have started all 12 of the team’s games on the defensive side of the ball. Malcolm Butler and Wake, two notable free agent signings in recent years, are both on injured reserve. The addition of veteran cornerback Tramaine Brock — released by Arizona after Week 13 — will help shore up the team’s secondary, but major questions about the defense’s postseason seaworthiness remain.

The mounting challenge for that unit is that Tannehill and Henry may be too efficient. The Titans have won the time of possession battle just once in their last six games. The Tennessee defense spent 15 more minutes on the field than Kansas City’s did in Week 11. Jacksonville dominated time of possession by more than 14 minutes. The Titans’ offense has worked so quickly it has limited the recovery time for its defense.

There’s a chance that group continues to hold up its end of the bargain, but like with Tannehill, the Tennessee defense seems likely to slip — at least slightly — as the regular season gives way to the playoffs.

The Titans are 7-5 after a 2-4 start and in position to make a run at the AFC South crown, even in a year when the Texans — a team Tennessee will face twice in the final three weeks of the season — look like a Super Bowl contender. That wouldn’t be possible without Tannehill playing like a superstar, Henry breaking through to the league’s top tier of tailbacks, and its defense coming up with big, timely stops.

If they can keep that up, they’ll not only make it to the postseason, but also be a force with whom teams like the Chiefs, Patriots, and Ravens must reckon. The odds of that aren’t great, especially when it comes to Tannehill’s MVP-caliber passing and a defense that’s looked decent in box scores but fallible on the field. Still, this franchise is giving its fans a reason to believe.

This 2019 Tennessee team have made it a point to flip expectations. They’ve turned Tannehill from a backup into the league’s most efficient quarterback. After pulling off that minor miracle, a run to the playoffs should be no big deal.