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trivalentlinks · 1 year

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saw this cute reddit Am I the Asshole post by reddit user tway23421 with peak enemies-to-friends energy and thought my friends here might like it.

Also here's another enemies to friends story from its comment section with a similar energy, but from the rebellious asshole kid perspective (by reddit user D_OShae)

AITA (Am I the Asshole) abbreviations:

WIBTA = would I be the asshole

NTA = not the asshole

[Image ID

1st image: reddit r/AmITheAsshole

Posted by u/tway23421 11 hours ago

WIBTA for spraying some kid with my garden hose daily after he walks all over our lawn

I (37M) live with my wife (37F) and son and daughter ( 9 and 11 respectively).

Recently, there has been this kid who comes by our house after playing soccer and either rides his bike or walks over the lawn with his cleats on his way home.

It started out as me giving him stern looks whenever I saw him, then it slowly progressed to me asking him to just go around.

The last time I asked him to stop he made a point to stomp extra hard and twist his feet in to the grass to piss me off.

Since then Ive just been hosing him. The first time I sprayed him with the hose he ran off, but then for some reason he just started standing there while I hose him like he enjoys it.

Its now progressed to me sitting on my lawn chair pointing my hose at him, and him just staring at me while he does so. Sometimes we even make small talk.

Im ngl, it started off as a really bitter relationship, but Ive actually gotten to know the kid quite well, we talk for maybe 15-20 mins everyday, and he doesnt seem to mind being hosed down after sweating hard playing soccer.

He comes by daily and we just shoot the shit while I hose him and he stands there for a bit.

Wife told me I need to stop, even after I explained it to her she said Im making us look like childish idiots.

I guess I could stop, but honestly its really funny waiting for him to come by and I see no harm in it. WIBTA?

2nd image:

Comment by D_OShae 4 hours ago:

NTA, and this is actually kind of sweet.

When I was in my teens, I used to visit a small greasy spoon (diner) where my friend was a waitress. This old guy (late 70s) came in every day at the same time and sat in the same booth. He would order one of three meals. One time I sat in "his" booth doing some homework (and drinking a ton of coffee refills). The man came in and told me -- not asked -- that I needed to move. I did. It happened again a couple of weeks later. He called me a little bastard for sitting his both. A couple of days later, I did it again on purpose. He called me a little bastard and told me to move. I moved my books. The man grumbled and sat down.

Over the course of about two months this scenario got repeated. Somewhere along the line I asked him about a ring he wore. The stories started to come out. I learned he and his late wife came to that restaurant for over 20 years to have dinner. I was sitting in her place. However, I kept asking questions, and he kept relaying his stories. This man lead an AMAZING life, and I listened to any tale he wanted to share. This went on for two years.

When he died at the age of 81, I went to his memorial. I met his children and grandchildren. When they asked how I knew him, I told them my tale. His children laughed because he called everyone a little bastard, male and female alike. Then I began to recount some of the stories he told me. His children verified some, but then they heard stories he never told them. I ended up meeting with his children several times to tell them everything he told me.

Mr. Banhke, I am not a believer, like I told you many times, but I still think of you and your incredible life. You are not forgotten.

]

AITA (Am I the Asshole) abbreviations:

WIBTA = would I be the asshole

NTA = not the asshole

#reddit aita #reddit #enemies to friends

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soap143 · 6 months

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Adult

Lee! Jeongin

Ler! Chan

——————————————————————

For the past few days, hell, even weeks Jeongin had a strange feeling inside his stomach and annoying thoughts that wouldnt leave his head.

Tickling was a usual thing between the group. It happened daily more than one time. But somehow, Jeongin just couldnt get used to it. He always thought a bit weirdly of tickling, but after getting closer with the boys, at least for a while, he got used to it. However they were all older now and had much more work to do. It wasnt unsual to witness multiple wreckings in the 24 hours that he would spend with his friends, but he felt like he wasnt getting as much of it. Back when he was much younger, all the members would tickle him quite often, to the point where he thought that he might hate it.

Maybe they do think I hate it?

None the less, that was far from the truth — that was exactly what Jeongin had discovered. He really enjoyed the feeling of sneaky little fingers poking his sides and scratching his neck. The poor boy would always jump and yell for the tickler to stop, never knowing how much he acctually loved it. Whats there not to like? All the attention is on you, youre laughing and making others laugh and in the end — aftercare. Perhaps all the members stopped tickling him because of much he would fight back and plead to stop? It wasnt his fault tho. He was just insanely ticklish.

He watched his band group members poke eachother over and over again, simply dying in the inside. However he knew that he couldnt be too obvious about it. Nobody likes being tickled — thats a fact that he was aware of. Its very weird. So, of course, he would never dare to speak to anyone about this.

It was incredibly hard trying not to angrily stare at Changbin and Hyunjin poking eachother while playing video games. “Youre cheating!” Changbin plaufully yelled as he grabbed a chunk of Hyunjins side and mercilessly squeezed. Hyunjin let out a yelp and grabbed his poor side. “What is wrong with you?! I’m in last place beacause of you!” At this point they werent even playing. Hyunjin was trying to get on top of the dwaeki while the victim was fighting his long fingers off.

All that was happening as the poor maknae watched. He thought of joining in, but decided to sulk for a while until someone noticed.

When he arrived into his room, he had found out that another member was already in it. “Chan hyung, what are you doing here?” No response. “Hyung, why are you here?” Jeongin came a bit closer to the laying boy, only to realize he was sound asleep. “Poor Channie, he must have been tired…” He decided to let the leader rest. He was quite exhausted himself, so he carefully wrigled and cuddled up next to Chan.

As soon as I felt someone slighly squeeze my side, I flinched awake. I had gone into Jeongins room to talk to him, but considering I stayed up until dawn last night, I fell asleep on his bed… It was quite embarassing, but he didnt seem to mind. The maknae had cuddled up next to me and was asleep. Whenever Innie has a nightmare, he tends to squeeze whatever thing was the closest to him, whether it was his pillow, blanket or… His hyung.

He is our only maknae, our little baby, and I seemed to notice him not getting as much attention as he used to. But then I remember what he had said only a couple months ago…

We had just finnished practice, it was 9 pm. All of us were exhausted because of the long day. “Lets go to Mcdonalds!” “No, Burger King!” “Accualy, Ive been craving ramen for quite a while…” Everyone was choosing what to eat, however, I noticed Innie invested in his thoughts, sitting on the floor. “Hey I.N., good practice!” “Sure…” “Whatcha wanna eat? Everyone has agreed on ramen, but what do you think?” “ Ramens fine, but Im not going to eat… I-I did pretty bad today, I think I will stay a bit more to practice that one move.” “ Oh you really dont have to, not all of us quite got that, we will rehearse that again tommorow. We woke up at 6:30 am today, lets get some rest, yeah?” “ No, I really want to master that one move”

At this point mostly everyone had gathered up next to the youngest one in the group. “Innie, lets get food, Im so hungry!” “Who cares about that move, youll get it tommorow” “Even I didnt get it, dont worry, Innie!” Jeongin was fed up. Why did he have to get all this attention when he simply wanted to stay a little more after practice? “I SAID I WANTED TO MASTER JUST THIS ONE MOVE! Please, is it that hard to get?!” Everyone suddenly got quiet. Everybody but Chan left. “That was totally uncalled for, Jeongin! We were just-“ “Looking out for me? Being careful? Wanted the best for me? Jeez! Can I get a break from YOU. You always treat me like a baby! Well guess what, Im an adult now and make my own decisions. I dont want anyone, especially you Chan, constantly babying me and treating me like Im some child who cant make disicions of his own. Now go eat your ramen, Im not even hungry anymore. Im going back to the dorms. See you later.”

After that happened, we gave Jeongin less attention and treated him more like an adult. He had had multiple outbursts like this, but this one made things clear. However, I just think that he was tired and hungry, not necessarily angry. Maybe he just needed to let some emotions out, and needed a decent reason to do so.

Anyway, I think that he liked and still likes the attention, that we obviously dont give him anymore. Which is upsetting and frustrating, seeing our maknae so sad. Even though he said that he hates the attention that we give him, I can see him sulking, especially when we have fun and leave him out. I can tell that the boys aren’t doing it on purpose, theyre just doing what he wanted. But I can tell how much Innie misses being the little baby of the group.

Suddenly, I felt I.N. start moving around and wake up. “Hi Chan Hyung.” “Hello, Innie-ah” “Did I wake you up? I had a nightmare so I suspect I did… Sorry.” “It’s alright, I fell asleep in your bed when I was supposed to talk to you.” “What did you want to talk about, hyung?” I could tell by his voice that he was scared. “ Dont be afraid, its nothing bad.” “Oh. Well, tell me anyway” “Sorry if I offend you, but did you mean it? That you hate our attention and are sick of being babied? Because Ive been observing you and you dont seem any happier than when we treated you like our baby.” “Um… I guess I just feel more like an adult now.” “Do you like that?” I was met with silence. “Answer me Innie, please.” I.N. didnt seem like he was going to answer my question, so I decided to bring out the big guns. I had always known that our baby bread hated being tickled, but a little bit could never hurt. I gave him one last chance before diving in. At first I just pinned him down with both my arms. “Nohohoho, plehehease Channie Hyung!” he giggled in anticipation. “ One last chance, Jeongin~~ Do you acctually like it when we don’t give you attention? Or do you prefer to get babied like a little baby~~. Little baby bread…~~” I knew he couldn’t take any teases considering his red ears, face and neck. “Little I.N. baby bread, foxy baby cutie~” I lowered my face and whispered, pressing my lips against his neck. “Chahahahahnnie hyuAHAHAHA” he laughed harder as I nibbled and blew raspberries on his most vulnerable and ticklish spot. “ Answer my question or move to the next spot?” “Ahahnswer question, answer question! Pleheahase no more…!” “ Alright then, tell me, do you like being treated like the big adult you are?” “…Yes?” “Wrong!.” I yelled into his neck. “NOHOHOHO pleasepleasepleasechanniehyung listen to meee! You don’t have to do this, Im beggingbeggingbegging yoUHUHUUU” I pinned both his arms above his head and swiched to poking and squeezing his armpits. “CHAHAHAN PLEHEAHEHEASE LISTEN TO MEEEE! I HAHAHAHVE SOMETHIHIHING TO TELL TOU!!” “Oh yeah? Perhaps that youre so ticklish that you cant handle it?~” “ SERIUOSLY! SEHEHERIUOSLY PLEAEHEHESE!” I stoped for real this time. “Okay so you caught me. I do acctually like your attention and dont enjoy being treated like an adult as much as I thought I would, there, I said it!” “Please tell me what is true, not some lie you made up because you dont want to be tickled… I wont tickle you anymore, I promise!”

He promised he wouldnt tickle me. But oh, how much I wanted him to keep going… Curse my hyper sensitive body. “No, it is the truth, I have been a little upset lately” “Well, Im glad that you confessed to me. Can I tell the others?” “ Yeah, that would be great. Im too embarassed to tell them myself anyway…” “Alright then. Rest up! I hope I didnt tire you out much… Sorry for tickling you, I know that you hate it…” Now is the perfect time “Acctually, I have something else to tell you…” He fully turned his whole body to me. Goah, I hate him so much. Why has he got to put me in such vulnerable position? “ I… accualy, its nothing…” not today, not when hes got full attention on me like that. “NO! Tell me, pleaseeeee! Dont make me tickle it out of you again~~” That made me extra scared and all my courage was gone. “I-Its accualy about that…” “What? Tickling?” “Yeah…” “Sorry, I promised I wouldnt tickle you anymore. You dont have to tell me aswell, take your time.” Gosh, can he stop saying the word? Hes so sweet its annoying. “No, I-I want to tell you now. And it is about… T-tickling.” He did that thing again, where he turned his whole body and soul to me, it was scary. Seemed like he could hear my heartbeat. “Well, I… acctually dont hate it. I like it a lot. But I cant take it. And s-sometimes youre a bit too rough.” “Oh…” “Sorry, you probably think Im disgusting or something. I promise its nothing dirty or naughty like your probably thi-“ “ No! None of that! Even though I wouldve never guessed that you like it… I dont find it disgusting, at all. Its cute, very cute acctually.” “You think so?” “Of course! Now, prepare yourself because you basically just asked to be tickled.” He definetly knew how much I dreaded that word and was taking advantage of it. “Beg.” “What?” “Beg to be wrecked by your favourite tickle monster.” At this point I was probably as red as a tomato. “P-please t…t-tickle me…” “Good enough” He lowered his head and started nibbling on my lower stomach and I lost it. He was beeing painfully gentle, probably remembering me pointing out his roughness. I grabbed on his hair and desperately pulled. “Ow ow ow ow OW! Innie, youre gonna have to keep your arms further away from me!” He grabbed my arms and pulled them to my sides.” Keep them there. Now, you understand that Im going to have to pusnish you, yeah?” “Buhuhut I cant keep my arms there!” “I dont care, if you dont, Ill be more gentle” I liked it gentle, but not too gentle, and Gosh did Chan know how to get extra gentle. It would be so painful, worse than rough tickles, which says a lot. So, I try to keep my arms in place as he nibbles the sensitive skin on my abdomen.

He was doing pretty good, too good at holding his arms in place, giggling hysterically, but keeping himself pretty still. “CHAHAHAHAHAN HYUHUHUUHNG PLEHEHEHEHAHEHHEAHSE” He begged and grabbed my hair again. Succes. Raspberries always get him. “Oh no! Was I being too rough? I should be more gentle, yeah? Thats ok, Ill be more gentle~” I loved teasing Innie so much, he would always get so red and shy. I knew I was being mean, taking advange of his weaknesa- rought tickles and using againts him, but in a much more flustering way. He hates rough tickle because he cant take much of them, but extremely gentle tickles are much more agonazing — its just constant anticipation and fear. I start off incredibly gently right in the middle of his stomach “Chahahaniehehe pleheheahahse!” I gently drag my finger around his navel, never bothering to acctually dip it in. I know how much he hates(loves) it. I slowly drag my finger along his side and onto his ribs “ChahaAHAnieEHEhe hyUHUHuhung” He giggles more agressively as I gently poke my finger deeper into his flesh every few seconds. I know how much hes waiting for me to just wreck him. Ive been saving up his energy for the grand finale. “Ready I.N?” “YEHEHES please!” I poke him a couple more times before finnaly diving in. “OHOHOHO MAHAHA GOHOHOD CHAHAHAANA AHAHHAHSNSBA” I start by squeezing his sides rapidly. I switch spots quickly purely for his enjoyment. “CHAHAHAHAN!!” “ Yes, Innie baby bread?~” I ask as I count his ribs, while he desperately tries to stop his arms from disturbing me “GEHEHEHET MY LEHEHEGSS HAHAHA” I can tell that he cant take it for much longer, thats why wants me to switch spots quickly. His thighs are incredibly sensitive, so I start of with them, mercilessly squeezing the firm mucle behind his leg and the front of it, switching quickly so that he can expierience as much joy as quickly as he can. “AHAHAHAHAHAHA KNEHEHEHHES PLEAAAHSHEJDJJEJHA” I quickly listen to his command and rapidly attack his kneecaps, squeezing the top and back at the same time. “STOPSTOPSTOP ENOUGHAHAHAHAHAH” I inmeadiately stop and gently, but not gently enought to torture him rub his whole body. His cute dimply smile plastered on his face that I missed so much. “Anytime you want to repeat this, just tell me the keyword “tickle”, if youre capable of that~~” He was still laying there, panting, but I could see his cheeks reddening up at my words. “I will make sure to…” He whispers shyly. I figured that he may need a moment to think about what happened, so I quietly exited the room.

This was the most flustering yet enjoyable expierience ever. However if he dares to tell anyone about this…

Maybe it wouldnt be so bad, considering all the gang tickles I would get.

——————————————————————

This is my first tickle fic ever. I know the build up is very long, sorry. 🙂

#skz #skz tickle #kpop tickle #lee!jeongin #ler!bangchan #rough tickles #tickle community #sfw tickle community

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luckydoeslanguage · 6 days

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Weekly Update | 四月23日２０２４年

こんばんは、みんな　(_　_)。゜zｚＺ

posting a little later than i usually do. This week has been more of the same, so there isnt too much to talk about. i debated waiting until next week, i dont want to break my habit :P Onto my updates:

Almost done the anime ive been watching. its a little slice of life called 'スーパーカブ', which follows a girl who buys a titular Honda super cub and her daily life. id say its a moe show, but it feels more down to earth than that. lots of motor vehicle vocab. when im done the show i want to post a review of it here so i'll save my comments til then.

started playing とびだせどうぶつの森 again in earnest. i started the save almost a year ago and it was kind of overwhelming at first but its more manageable now. I should really play more immersion games on 3DS.

i tried writing a letter to my favourite villager, マキバースタ. I sent her an ironing board cause i thought it would look good in her house :)

didnt start any manga :(. i looked around for some and didnt really decide on anything in the end.

i also spent a day looking into japanese magazine subscriptions cause i wanted to read some of the shoujo manga magazines. turns out shipping paper products to rural BC is expensive, so i didnt get any. :( womp womp.

didnt end up taking new cards on anki this week. i honestly avoided it all week until the last few days and even then it wasnt so bad. hopefully i can start taking 2 or 3 new cards a day tho i really want to.

im still sitting at about 5 hours of immersion in this week. hoping that starting a new show might help bump it up again.

I think thats all! i feel like now that April is coming to a close and im almost a month back to learning japanese i havent been able to make as much progress as id like. But! im glad to be learning consistently again.

see you all next week! またね！

#lukrio chats #study aesthetic #language learning #japanese language #aesthetic #studyspo #study blog #language study #language blog #learning japanese #japanese langblr #langblr

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trulybetty · 6 months

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Sunday Week in Review XIII

Was it really Halloween this week? Because it feels like it happened like six months ago - that's how long this week has felt for me 🎃

It could also be because I finished my October prompts and now I'm wondering what I'm supposed to do now I don't have a daily deadline. Well, I know what I need to do (I hear you, Frankie) - I just can't seem to bring myself to sit down and write it right now. But luckily I've been given some great advice from some wonderful people and I hope to start posting it before the month is out!

I'm also trying to figure out how to get back into my reading - my TBR list has been all over the place since last month was nearly impossible to get much read. So going to slowly get back into the pace of reading a reblogging - which also includes all the lovely comments I received but haven't been able to get back to yet! 💕

But on with the 'condensed' Sunday Week in Review...

T R U L Y U P D A T E S . . .

oct' x 29 - stormy days (sequins!joel x f!reader)

oct' x 30 - seance (tim rockford x reader)

oct' x 30 - seance (chiffon!dieter x ofc!bryony)

oct' x 31 - trick or treat (marcus pike x reader)

strings part IV (series complete) (joel miller x reader)

W H A T I R E A D . . .

Are You on Mute? (Benny Miller) by @rhoorl Now Benny Miller is not my type, but with the way Jess writes him? He's slowly worked his way into my rotation of reads! This is a spicey read that will have you rethinking Zoom meetings at home 🫠

Broadcasting Live Tonight (Dieter) by @morallyinept This was just *chefs kiss* a delightful steamy read written on the back of Pedro's own appearance on SNL the other week. The tension between the reader and Dieter is palpable and the payoff is 🙌, smut be smutting here. Not spoiling anything, but I hope we get a part two!

A Month of Sundays (Various) by @gnpwdrnwhiskey My parallel play partner in a month of writing daily prompts, Lellen, completed her Month of Sundays and if you haven't checked them out you should! She totally knocked it out of the park and managed to fit so much into six lines a piece!

Working Title (Dieter) by @rhoorl Jess is back with another installment that does not disappoint! We've got some cameos, we've got some Jurassic Park references, we've got a wet-haired Dieter and sound the alarm, we've got some 18+ action with Belle and Dieter that I think about at least once a day because it was that hot 🥵

Steep Is the Mountain (Tim) by @sin-djarin This fic is still playing on a constant loop in my head since I read it the other day. Becca's coming home series is amazing (go read them all) and this is another excellent addition to it with our Detective Tim Rockford.

Headshots (Marcus) by @secretelephanttattoo This is a dreamy update to our reader and Marcus finding them in Ireland. I'm not going to spoil anything, but El makes a strong case for the canon behind Marcus' leather jacket!

Fall Apart Again (Joel) by @wildemaven Heidi treated us to an interlude to this series with a letter to Joel from Eve and much like the series, pulls at the heartstrings. It's a truly beautiful story and this interlude just adds another layer to the whole thing and I'm still thinking about it the day after.

Hope everyone has had a great week and enjoying their Sunday so far!

Here's to the week ahead! 💕

#betty's sunday in review #sunday week in review

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whitemonsterenjoyer · 1 month

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Stupid stupid rant about my friend

TLDR: Friends are disappointing! I should just isolate myself and focus on ⭐ving instead!!!

honestly kind of fucking hate my friend right now. he gets pissed off over the smallest fucking shif and he never fucking says anything. he like hates communication. its gotten to a point where i dont want to play games with him and our other friends because he just gets annoyed and yells at us. i always feel like im doing something wrong! im so uncomfortable all the time! and then they get confused and upset when i dont feel like playing again. buddy, how can i fucking enjoy anything when youre making me feel uncomfortable at best the whole time????

he reminds me of my ex so much its awful. i cant stand him sometimes. if you dont respond the right way or at all hes say some shit like "i should just die" or "you guys hate me" and i just! hate it! and he refuses to communicate ANYTHING. hed rather give you the silent treatment IN THE FUCKING VOICE CHAT. you ask him a question qnd youll have to keep repeating it for like ten minutes before hell answer because he got mildly upset. he got snippy with us because we didnt have the game open the moment he joined the call. he got fucking mad at us for mentioning school while were on break. like???? im fucking sorry that we briefly mentioned something thats been a part of our daily lives for the last like 12 years? and we barely even actually talked about school. i just got upset that ill have to sit with the annoying kids in my first period, and our other friend said that her voicemail was full of colleges doing college shit. not only that, its just really fucking dumb that hes upset over talking about school during break. its literally fucking ending, you cant not think about it. and does he think that hes the only one stressed over school?? one friend doesnt even have freetime during the week a majority of the time because shes doing so much school shit. i almost committed in freshman year! and even now, i need hours after school every day to decompress because im so fucking overstimulated and overwhelmed all day! and the third other person is taking FIVE AP CLASSES. their ass is swamped with work too!!! meanwhile, he can get home and have the time and energy to draw and play video games and record and edit videos all in the same day. if snything he doesn't get to say anything about not wanting to think about school while relaxing bc hes the most relaxed!

i asked him why he didnt tell us smtg would upsst him before we did it and he just responded with "i assumed you guys were cool." ok.

i mentioned that i had stolen sone of my parents alc while i was doing online school. yknow that period of time where i was struggling with dissociation and thoughts of committing? and nobody was fucking talking to me? he said that made me a bad person.

our friend has a girlfriend and naturally they spend a lot of time together. he gets upset seeing that theyre playing the same game or knowing that theyre hanging out without us. i dobt mind, i just wished shed let us know that she had plans rather than leaving out of nowhere. but he genuinely like despises her for spending time with her significant other.

ive stopped making plans with him because he kept flaking. he was always so indecisive and he would cancel plans the night before so often. sometimes even the MORNING OF. he would want to save money even if he wouldve spent a total of 10 dollars, or hed be too tired bc he refused to stop playing games the night before. i always go to bed earlier if im doing something the next day. i dont know why im not worth the same energy. honestly im not sure he actually likes hanging out with me, im just the only one willing to do the same things as him. the only plans that worked out were things he was absolutely going to do regardless of anyone going with him.

i dont wven know how to breach the subject with him because, again, hes so much like my ex. i know that if i make him feel bad, hell either get defensive or just freak out and cry about it. i listened to my ex say id be better off if he was gone in response to me venting way too many times to want to express my feelings about people ever again.

and it really sucks bc other times hes really nice and fun to be around. i just wonder if he dies actually like me at all. i feel like he sees me as less than sometimes.

idk i stopped being mad and got sad.

but i mean hes implied it before. he wants more friends to play cod and fortnite with and go to the park at night with. he never asks me to do thise things. im willing to play fortnite. i want to play cod. i want to do literally anything at night especially go to the park. he especially wanted more guy friends to do things with.

hed be happier being friends with the kids at school who hate me

idk. this is dumb. its 3am.

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tahyal · 1 year

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Hello tahyal! How can I rewire my subconcious mind? This year I am really stepping into self discovery and spirituality more deeply and last week I realised I have so many limiting beliefs about myself.

Last week my brother's bestfriend, someone I liked a lot, got together with someone and that triggered so many things inside of me that I didnt even know were there. Unfortunately I took it hard, maybe because I've never experinced romance before, which also has been bothering me recently.

I look at his life and think I'll never have that many friends, I'll never have exciting experiences or I'll never find love or be intimate with anyone (Im a late bloomer, never had sex or had a boyfriend, Im 22 years🥲), I'll be stuck in my country living a mediocre life forever etc etc.

I noticed this pattern before and I realised I just dont have high hopes for myself in any regard and Im trying to change that this year. I need help feeling my feelings without ruminating, which I have been trying to do this week, I dont know if I have been very successful at it though. I experience anxiety and a lot of worrying which Im trying to work on as well. I thought I was doing better but that rocked me last week. I am willing to put in the work.

Do you have any messages or advice you can share with me? I know it's a lot, youre the only person Ive shared this with😭

Thank you for what you do on your platform, your grace inspires me, much love🤍

Hi love! Its wonderful that you’re aware of this and are willing to shift your mindset, that’s already 40% of the work.

I’ll give you a list of videos, books, and people that I recommend you check out, get a journal and write down the things that spark something within, and get into the habit of being honest with yourself (you’re already on the right track I think), don’t be afraid to write down your exact feelings, take some time with yourself to figure out why you process things a certain way, why you have certain beliefs, where do they come from, how long have you had them for, how would you react/act if you didn’t have them, which beliefs would help you be the best version of yourself, how can you implement these beliefs, etc.

So, here’s the list :

- Psycho cybernetics by Dr Maxwell Maltz (can listen to it on youtube)

- The Game of life and how to play it by Florence Scovel shinn (available on youtube as well)

- Caroline Myss’s books and conferences

- Dylan James on youtube (I usually find manifestation coaches odd lol but he’s very thorough and pushes you to get to the root cause of your triggers and blockages - he studied neuroscience as well I think)

- Jessica Richburg’s yoga videos on youtube : this is for daily movement, which has a huge impact on your mental and emotional states. Especially hip opening exercises, they’re great for emotional release.

- Dr David Snyder’s NLP (neuro linguistic programming) free lectures on youtube

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nickibun · 3 months

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January 31st, 2024

12:12 PM

Café on Fifth Ave

— ed log:

Jasmine Tea | 0 cal

Latte w/ Almond Milk | 130 cal

— usage + mood:

i’m feeling still today. granted, i took 1 mg of kpin and a bit of doc before bed last night, then a bit more this morning. also 10 mg of adderall to balance it out. thought i’d be able to make it to class this morning. obviously, i didn’t.

i’m sitting in a cafe sipping this latte trying to find the will power to sit in a classroom with my peers. my professor hasn’t seen me since two weeks ago. i keep telling myself im ok, and i truly think i am, but whenever someone asks i suddenly break down.

— daily log:

yesterday, i woke up next to 'A'. we rolled around in bed, and cuddled, and pillow talked. i really started to believe i could open up to her. we've been talking for about three months, on & off.

i am beginning to really like her. i introduced her to some of my friends the night prior. we went to a party and had a great time. sneaking off into corners, doing bumps of blow + making out was my favorite part. the stares we'd get were a close second.

we're both fashion students, but shes a bit older. ive been skeptical as to whether she really likes me at all, but that night seemed to confirm it.

once the party began to wind down, things got a bit strange. id rather not relive it so lets leave it at that. i told her i wanted to leave. so we did. hopped in a cab back to my friend's place, grabbed my tito's and went to mine.

we kissed and laughed in the cab. we took our clothes off and snuggled in my bed. once the energy was right, i lit candles and played the right music. ate her out for an hour until she came all over my sheets. her moans live in my mind.

we took a bath together, giddy yet calm conversation amongst candles in the dark.

"we complement each other well" she said.

as she dozed off while i caressed her back, i couldn't help but realize i might be falling.

i went to the bathroom to get high again.

the next morning, she wakes up around 8:30 am.

im already up, crying on the phone to my best friend about who knows what. as well as starting an argument with my friends from the party. my energy is heavy again.

'A' texts me from my bedroom, "did you sleep at all?"

i quickly rush out of the bathroom, my pupils pinned and eyelids heavy,

"of course dear, i got up early. i didn't mean to scare you."

she raises her arms out of the blanket, signaling me to give her a hug. she can see ive been crying. we laugh and pillow talk all morning. we talk lightheartedly about our trauma, childhoods, and she tells me she really likes getting to know me when i show vulnerability.

the juxtaposition of morning sun on our skin, what others would deem dark topics while we laughed and cuddled and kissed make it impossible to not love her. ive never felt more comfortable or genuine with a girl before. she sees me. i see her.

my soul feels light once again.

we get coffee, she leaves for therapy at 11:30, kisses me good bye. calls minutes later to see if she forgot something. comes back. as i open the door she says she had found it but came to kiss me again.

my heart is numb but if it could, i knew it'd be fluttering.

hours pass, we both have class. speak at five, with no demise. then at nine, i begin to whine. paranoia creeps in. theres nothing wrong, except that the days been too long.

"whatre ya doing?"

she doesnt respond.

"never mind then"

i call her, she declines.

"im on the train."

i check her location,

shes a few blocks from mine.

i check again;

she turns it off.

im getting high again. i call my best friend and cry again. my energy defaults, heavy once again.

#tw #tw ana diary #dear diary #addiction #lgbtqia #mental illness #poetry #writing #writers on tumblr #digital diary #recovery #sobriety #sad thoughts #sadgirl

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trixree · 10 months

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Hey i just visited your blog after binge reading several of your star wars fics and saw you've got POTS + assorted chronic medical fuckery. My spouse has the unholy trinity of POTS/EDS/MCAS (featuring guest artist Migraines) and boy do i feel for you if your combo is even a little bit similar. Crossing my fingers for you that the neurologist is a good fit! They tend to have their shit together when it comes to dysautonomia (and hopefully know a lot of the good med combos). I'll also put in a recommendation for electrolyte drinks -- i think it's not uncommon for ppl with POTS to have electrolyte/salt deficiencies, and i know it's been helpful for my spouse to chug 20-30 oz of propel or re-lyte water every day. Compression garments (esp. tights) have also been helpful for POTS, but not always great for digestion if they go over the stomach. Medical grade compression starts at 20-30 mmHg.

For appetite stuff, since I'm not sure what the underlying cause is for you idk if this will be helpful/applicable, but when it's hard to convince your body to eat I'm generally in favor of just going for anything that sounds appetizing to you even if it means eating ice cream 3x a day :P if it's a nausea thing, though, spouse may have some better recommendations, and I'd be happy to ask or send you their way. Best wishes and take care!

Per my last post, I'm catching up on old Asks, AO3 comments, and messages received during my hiatus! (Psst, go do my Fanfic Poll) This is so so so sweet of you, thank you SO MUCH! I rambled on quite a lot below the cut about my health journey the past year re: POTS and GI stuff, in case folks are interested in how I've managed. Disclaimer that I am NOT a medical professional and this is absolutely not medical advice, these are just my experiences and things that have worked well for me.

First off, what a DELICIOUSLY FAMILIAR COMBO of things! I was told at my last immunology appointment that I "almost certainly" (his words, not mine) have EDS (my mom has it, too, and my hips are constantly popping out of place) but 1.) I can't afford to go get diagnosed (see: unemployment, medical trauma) and 2.) one of my friends has been stalled for MONTHS trying to get a clinical geneticist to confirm her EDS diagnosis because, apparently, there is a great deal of resistance to testing folks for EDS right now given the increased visbility of EDS patients on TikTok. My partner is in med school and we've had really long conversations about the so-called "TikTok Triad" (POTS, EDS, and gastroparesis - which are all conditions that are acutally linked together with the clinical data we have) and how it's impacting both how physicians practice and the care that patients receive. This reddit thread is a good example of how this plays out, if you feel like braving reddit on this fine afternoon.

My neurologist is amazing and has done a lot to help me with my migraines... unfortunately the GI stuff is still kicking my ass. All of your recommendations are things that I've started doing over the last year to manage symptoms: my compression socks are my BESTEST FRIENDS and Drip Drop is my favorite electrolyte powder - they've got the best flavors imo and isn't as PAINFULLY SWEET as Liquid IV. I've also adopted a really high-salt diet. As far as appetite goes, my management strategy has been to smoke a lot of weed (I live somewhere where recreational use is thankfully legal, so it isn't difficult or unsafe to get ahold of it) but that's unfortunately expensive and can actually make persistent nausea and appetite loss WORSE over time (see canabis hyperemesis) so I've recently gone cold-turkey off of pot to see if I can manage the daily nausea and appetite loss with pharmaceuticals alone (namely phenergan). I'm seeing my GI in the next week and I'm going to lobby my ass off for a prescription appetite stimulant. I've lost a lot of weight in the last year (and I was already pretty small to begin with, so the weight loss has made my chronic pain a lot worse unfortunately) and I am a firm believer in following one's cravings in order to eat. I order a lot of take out and cycle through the same "safe" foods (usually some kind of cereal with soy milk, an Ensure protein shake if solids are an absolute no-go, and simple rice, potateos, and chicken works). The other night, my partner tried to entice me to eat an oreo ice cream sandwich during a bout of brutal nausea and I cried because I fucking love oreo ice cream but my body HATES having things inside of it <3 I've also found that excercise can SOMETIMES (not all of the time) help my appetite. I have a stationary bike and a basic set of weights at home. Stationary bike in particular is something I'd HUGELY recommend for anybody with POTS that deals with excercise intollerance. Sitting down to get my cardio is WAY BETTER than anything else I've tried in terms of how badly my symptoms get triggered. I'm also currently medicated for my POTS (I take ivabradine and it's made a big difference for my quality of life on the whole, especially with regards to the fatigue that having a constantly elevated heartrate will generate.)

I do appear to have some sort of motility problem (most likely IBS-C) and I'm taking medication for it that has HELPED, but not nearly enough. I poop more than once every twelve days now, which is awesome, but I'm still constantly nauseous more often than not (Zofran, Dramamine, and Phenergen are my bestest friends) and my appetite is nowhere to be found. Hopefully I can get my hands on some appetite stimulant. As for the nausea, I've been informed by my electro cardiologist that many, many POTS patients report diminished appetites and chronic, debilitating nausea, but that "the mechanism relating the two is unexplored and largely unknown." So basically he said, "that sounds ROUGH buddy. Good luck though!"

(Hence me sharing my strategies cause I know, colloquially, that lots of us are dealing with this.)

#trixree speaks #health stuff #POTS #EDS #chronic health conditions #disability tag #asked & answered

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coolwyou · 1 year

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041623 | long overdue updates!

it has been quite a while since i last updated. i had a horrible first semester of grad school, and spent this semester really trying to fix that! i wen through the medical withdrawal process and managed to do well so far. one class is a pass/fail class which helps a lot, and the other one is an introductory class so it's not as rigorous. other than that, school is pretty steady now! i'm taking the summer off to hopefully work or do an internship for a little bit (:

i am set to take a normal course load next semester, which i hope i can keep up with. i'm going to keep in touch as often as i can and hopefully save up enough to get all my appointments done and get adequate paperwork for some disability accommodations next semester. thankfully, one class is synchronous online, and another class is only meeting in-person every other week! it really helps me to not have to leave the house every week and just be comfortable at home.

anyway, i'm updating my theme (the struggle to find a cute and functioning one) and about section a bit! the biggest edits were adding links to show the planner i am using for 2023 and that i started bullet journaling! i'm not too great at it, and it's really just a book of "trackers" (i track things like video game daily logins, medical stuff, and my mood) but i hope maybe next year i can add a sort of scrapbook component to it! also, i made a cute things side blog! :D

as for my personal updates, i'll put those under the cut!

i have been doing okay! health-wise, i am doing quite badly, and upgraded from a cane to a walker (everyone thinks it's unfortunately comedic, because for years i called myself a little old lady, and now i really resemble one!). i also got a platinum pass to seaworld because it is a really happy place for me lately (love to go through it at my own pace, watch some shows, eat some park food, and just in general sit around it lol).

i'm seeing two of my partners soon! they're coming to visit and we're going to have a lot of fun i hope! i have an awful complex about living where i do, so i'm trying very very hard to make their stay nice. it's hopefully going to help me power through finals and inspire me to save up to visit them in the summer/early autumn too.

some random thoughts to end this post: i'm loving two songs a lot right now, nmixx's love me like this and ive's i am. they're both different overall vibes but they are both so fun to me! i also have been playing a lot of virtual jigsaw puzzles and just finished two 1000+ piece ones, and starting a new one. i am really loving sticker-by-number books too! i'm currently doing a dog one and it's so cute!!

#kayos daily recap #graduate studies #student life #studying #graduate school #student #grad school #study tumblr #university blog #university student #university #academic #academics #disabled academic #student blog #new studyblog #new studyblr

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gimmeurtmi · 1 year

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my god where do i even start 💀 the first week consisted of physical activities and i fell on MY ASS. INFRONT OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL IM GONNA WND IT ALL 😭💔@💔😭'💔😭:😭

the second week was LAST WEEK OMG. we have SO much homework im gonna cry and bc i have a double major THERES BEEN SO KUCHISJSUS we had an ice breaker which was so embarrassing bc we had to pass 2 boxes of questions around with music playing and whoever got it when the music stopped would have to answer the question 😭 i ended up IN THE LAST 2. AND IT WAS SO HUMILIATING BECAUSE IT WAS SO OBVIOUS I WAS SCARED AND NERVOUS n this cute guy was watching im gonna throw up 😐

as for this week i was absent for 2 days because my immune system failed me. n the cute guy CAME UO TO ME GUYSSSSUENJWISB N HE ASKED WHY I WASNT IN CLASS N THE NEXT DAY HE LEFT ME CHOCOLATE ON MY DESK 💔💔💔 im allergic to nuts but he doesn't need to know that. n i was so shocked??? bc im so loud and annoying 😭 n i dont mean this in a self deprecating way its just that the way people genuinely describe annoying peoole and it fits me so well 💀 i think its true that being more confident makes u more attractive cause ive been going through my healing phase and ive been doing alot of self care and i started doing makeup to feel pretty myself instead of doing it for other people's validation! so my makeup style has changed alot! but i haven't really been set on one makeup look so lmk if theres anything u recommend! ❤

(this is a long one m so sorry 😭)

-🚩

omg i don’t have the social part of uni because i’m in open u so it’s just the studying (which i def prefer tbh) so i didn’t go through all that but man that sounds stressful. i hate icebreakers they’re so forced and everyone ends up feeling more awkward doing them then just naturally getting along imo

but omg cute guy was worried for you!!!!!!! go get some omg i love that for you. he got you chocolates 🥹 def become his friend though bc he obviously noticed your absence which means he appreciates your presence even if you think you are annoying. people also describe jisung as annoying but that doesn’t make him any less lovable :’)

i’m actually a certified makeup artist so i love taking about that!!! i think makeup can be fun and should enhance your features, rather than just following trends. bc it’s the same with certain cloth trends being flattering on only certain body types, makeup is exactly the same and you should find a style that suits you and makes you feel even more confident! <3 what do you usually do on your daily?

#ask #anon #🚩 anon

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majjiktricks · 2 years

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OOOH a tag meme >:)

tagged by @thelocalmuffin

Favorite Colors: red, neon green

Currently Reading: dracula via dracula daily, the devil may cry books/manga, rereading the dresden files books, the witcher: lady of the lake (in the middle of half of these because i cant finish a book anymore apparently 😭)

Last Song I Listened To: something off the devil may cry 5 soundtrack, its been playing in the background. ive had devil trigger (nero's battle theme) stuck in my head for a week LOL

Last Series I Watched: bosch: legacy, which is a sequel series to bosch. would recommend both if you like crime dramas but it does get pretty dark ngl

Last Movie I Watched: UHHH.... i dont watch movies very much but i think it was the new batman. either that or the first kung fu panda, im not sure.

Cravings: i could really go for a burger right now...

Currently Working On: wow i dont have anything going right now 🤔 i havent drawn anything in so long whoops... i am going to start learning how to sew and make clothes soon tho! so theres that! i wanna get back into making costumes ^u^

ill tag @coffeemakesmeahappybean @oursidae @quincyanthemum @milktrician-hell @noniez @implodingcacti and anyone else who wants to do it :D

#jazz noises #thelocalmuffin #tag meme

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tweakin-journal · 25 days

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*this is not to encourage drug use, don't blame me if you bite off more than you can chew

I wanted to make a side blog to document my experiences on crystal, starting this two weeks after my second time smoking.

Background things for context: I had done a bump once as a teenager ( bad choices lol, snorting glass is like snorting glass. And it burns so bad and will give you the worst headache ever.) I have been a daily weed smoker for years, have plenty of shroom experience, used to im ketamine daily, haven't had any in about 2 years, plenty of danphetamine experience, mostly Vyvanse and Adderall that was proscribed to me for adhd that I would occasionally do recreational doses. I've had several experiences on molly and bean at parties, coke hanging out on occasion, crack once ( doesn't last long enough to be worth the money or the feining), smoked spice once did not like it, got stuck on benzos for a month when I couldn't get k, worst withdrawals I've ever experienced, I stay away from that shit. Spent a lot of time cycling with alcohol, when it was at its worst I would cut myself off when I would call out from work or if I couldn't go 24 hours without getting shakey, havent had to do that in over a year, mostly because ive been working a lot and had other goals. Played around with whippet some. I think that covers my past drug use. And I'm a 24 year old cis woman.

How it started, my then bf now husband had found his mom's bubble, fuckin charred on the bottom like someone ad just taken a torch and burned through that bitch, with a lot left in it. He cleaned it, got super super horny, I left work used some flex time so I wouldn't miss the sex crazed window. About a month after that I bought a light gram from a dude ik from the bar who sold mostly heroin. He got too hansy, i could have over powered his short ass but I wanted the crystal so I let him a little before cutting him off. Went home thinking it wasn't worth it, my bf had started to act kinda feiny about it that scared me too. But those regrets and anxiety didn't last long.

First time smoking middle of January:

We started at 10 o'clock I was a little underwhelmed at first, it took about a hour and several hits to get the rush, but I had been having trouble holding it in. Got really horny watched porn and fucked for 17 hours, stopped smoking around 12 hours, at 13 hours I got kinda bored of the porn but was still very horny I was kinda couch locked. Throughout this time I was in and out of the shower we had been using Vaseline we Doordarshed for lube and I was enjoying washing it off and feeling the water, elite showers for sure. I wasn't able to cum by body just kinda got used to the intensity it ended up dulling out but before it did I had the most intense sex of my life. Must have spent hours giving head, got experimental picked up a few new tricks. We talked about porn and different things we like and don't like about it, we got more intimate than we had been and we were already really close and comfortable with each other, been together for 3 years, with a close friendship before that. We were porn locked and at about 2pm on Monday we got a message from his mom his brother that they and his niece was coming over, enter paranoia and panic cleaning mode, there was olvie oil everywhere sex toys everywhere sheets had to be taken care of, but we got it presentable in time. They came through and we someone manged to not get noticed, even was able to force ourselves to eat McDonald's which sucked. They left and the porn came back on and we kept smoking. I stopped at around 5 trying to give myself enough time to be OK to workTuesday. Took a shower at 6 and got the rush again, right back up. By 9 I was coming down and felt too tired to jerk off but too horny to sleep. By 12 he was smoking on the leftovers in the bubble by 3 he was hitting nothing and being a fien. I was just about asleep when he started to have a panic attack because he was coming down and starting to feel his heart rate and blood pressure and some unrelated nerve damage on his arm that has history of triggering panic attacks. So I stayed up with him to do what I could. I had to leave at 9 to go to work, and it was brutal, I was exhausted and sore and headachey and standing up with the blood pressure wasn't fun at all. At around 11 I had done some physical labor which warmed my body up and I got high again but not so much that my pupils were fucky. Made it through that day job in tact and got to sleep that night. Didn't experience any cravings for about 2 weeks after I had recovered from the come down

The high itself surprised me I felt so relaxed, the euphoric rush lasted about 15 mintirs and the high itself went on forever. Once I got past the coming down I immediately started planning to smoke again in 6 months

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tomyo · 7 months

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I know I suddenly posted a lot of backlog adventure stuff back to back haha but just a little lore building here. I felt some energy to actually try games after the rush of playing KH3. At the same time, games are hard alone bleh.

Next week though, I'm briefly staying with a friend who I might try to play through with on Sonic Riders and Nights. Last year when I visited him, I brought my Dreamcast down and we went through Jet Set Radio on it so this is the next playthrough together I guess hahaha.

I would of liked to play more Dreamcast games soon, however a lot of mine don't actually work at the moment. Shenmue and Sonic adventure need to be polished which is big oof anxiety and to a much less extent, Cooking Mama cook off. Might even trade that one in to be real. I think it'd probably be the most fun for us to one day attempt a Dream Cast Binge together. Shenmue will certainly be....a heavy meal of a game and other games like Time Stalkers and Space Channel 5 would just be fun with friends. I might even bring the 360 at some point so I can force him to do Free Riders with me too hahaha.

In general since basically buying every Harvest Moon game out there (as I write this I may or may not be getting grand bazaar and hero of leaf valley 💀) my attention jumped to my Sonic collection. Basically my biggest gap is with Wii era games surprisingly. When I was in elementary to early high school I was pretty big on the games and bought a lot of them for the sub $15 the GameCube ones cost at that time. There is a distinct pain over the fact the copy of Adventure XD I had I had to return for being to scratched given the prices now and for personal reasons, there's someone who I've wanted to be the one to give me their old copy of even though it won't ever happened hahaha. My biggest desires right now are to get my hands on Black Knight but I've also wanted a 360 copy of Unleashed, Generations, Zero Gravity, and Shadow the Hedgehog. Rush adventure and Shuffle also catch my eye but my wallet hurts enough as is. I really need to stop getting into game collecting.

Part of the reason to bring Sonic up is also because I'll probably be playing a replay of Sonic 06 with the friend who leant me his PS4. He apparently never played it but wants to and I love just... Backseat gaming rather than actually playing. Hahahah. Games can be magical but art takes up too much time in my life now. The switch has been helpful for my more on the go lifestyle these days but I often still run short on free time. Even now Ive been wasting work hours to do KH3 this past weekend.

I guess my final little ramble is back to my HM collection. God it's kinda scary how many games I had suddenly bought at once. I keep meaning to play but I know they're the kinda games I have to secretly dedicate a lot of time towards. If I do end up getting the two aforementioned with my recent impulse gets, I've pretty much achieved most major versions of the game. My biggest other missing ones probs come down to the Og Story of Seasons, A version of Back to Nature, and the FoMT remake. Another wonderful life is on there but I'm starting to question my need for that one when I hate all the bachelors which I'm required to marry. Overall though I've reached what feels like a pretty doable conclusion from all of those.

Playing them however.....is a separate case hahaha. I had briefly started a AWLSE run which I might try to pick up, I want to return to Animal Parade as well over the winter, and a Save the Homeland run should??? Be quick??? I just started a my little shop attempt which is a pretty pick up and put down game so I will likely do that daily with Animal Parade when I play that. Overall I think my biggest scare is the handheld games. They should be easier but they feel harder. I want to do A New beginning the most but the game mechanics are daunting. The DS cute Skye playthrough might end up being the better choice from those right now. Which leads me to question how long will I take to go through all those games since I haven't been playing them over the years like they were meant for.

I think if I do go through end of the year as I intend to, recovering from surgery, I will try to go through a bunch of them.

#tomyo's backlog adventure

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dandonoriginal · 10 months

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1. Appreciate

It's been a while since I last posted something on this empty blog.

I hope everyone is doing well and staying safe during these challenging times. Despite the pandemic and its impact on our daily lives, I've been keeping busy with my writing projects.

As part of my 33 Days Writing challenge, I've been working on developing my writing skills and exploring new topics. I've found that writing regularly has helped me to stay focused and motivated, even when I'm feeling uninspired.

Although I haven't been posting on this blog as frequently as I would like, I'm excited to share my progress with you all soon. Stay tuned for some new content in the coming weeks!

Wohoo, Notion AI is crazy! love it! haha. OK, lanjuds

So, many things happen for the last time I post on this blog. I regret not to write regularly. as usual, i am not that kind a robot discipline human. i realize when i am skip write for a long time, the time eat me fast. 2 month and 10 days has pass since the last blog post.

its weird i write this while am on a internet cafe. had to working on augmented reality scene but its very heavy so i can contemplating, haha.

i think my life had so much improvement but not in healthy sector wince my leg still hurt like hell and i dont know the what causing this. ive check it to aphotic, all my cholesterol and gout are fine and normal. luckily, now its getting better after i take calcium pill for a couple a days. oh i miss playing football.

lets end this with the topic as the title, “Appreciates”. Its kind a rare this days, even for me, i still trying my best. in the era of everything is super fast and instant, Appreciate is expensive. for example, time. while i pay this billing time in this internet cafe, i feel time is precious because i have to spend money for internet.

and, at the studio, Pak Phil initiated english class for all worker to improve communication skill. at the beginning, so many people registering. but, when Phil asking to record video for introduction for just an one minutes. probably, less than 20% people submit the video. its really show the truly people that seriously want to improve and not just in mouth a rare and of course because this is free, i think its show how this class is not appreciated. yap, that the end of this post.

this just, an idea i want to explore for the next topic i want to write down :

<So many things have happened since the last time I posted on this blog. I regret not writing regularly, but I'm not that kind of disciplined robot-like human. I realize that when I skip writing for a long time, time seems to pass by quickly. It has been two months and ten days since my last blog post.

It's weird that I'm writing this while on an internet cafe. I had to work on an augmented reality scene, but it's very heavy, so I'm using this time to contemplate, haha.

I think my life has improved in many ways, but not in terms of my health since my leg still hurts like hell and I don't know what's causing it. I've had it checked and my cholesterol and gout are fine and normal. Luckily, it's getting better now that I've been taking calcium pills for a couple of days. Oh, how I miss playing football.

Let's end this post with the topic as the title, "Appreciates". It's kind of rare these days, even for me, but I'm still trying my best. In this era of everything being super fast and instant, appreciation is expensive. For example, time. While I pay for this billing time in this internet cafe, I feel like time is precious because I have to spend money for the internet.

At the studio, Pak Phil initiated an English class for all workers to improve their communication skills. At the beginning, many people registered, but when Phil asked them to record a one-minute introduction video, less than 20% of people submitted the video. This really shows the true people who are seriously committed to improving and not just mouthing empty words. Of course, since this class is free, I think it shows how unappreciated it is. That's the end of this post.

This is just an idea I want to explore for the next topic I want to write about.>

Broken Car

Panther

5 days taking care bocils

warnet life

become a good father

how to teach your son swim

why child keep shut the mouth in feeding time

life in rural vs metropolis/suburb area

#33DaysWriting #ndabrus

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substanceuser971 · 1 year

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made the connection between my addictive tendencies and my attachment issues both stemming partly from a feeling of wanting to recreate initial happy memories. it feels like other people are able to move on with their lives easier than im able to. people seem to n=be able to move on from me as soon as i stop being interesting and novel to them, while im stuck wanting to keep replaying what we had when we started, and it plays out the same way with drugs, trying to recreate that same way i felt those first few times i got drunk or high. it feels like i keep trying to create a tiny little time loop that i can live in forever instead of accepting when things arent as good as they used to be. and one feeds into the other too, people have left me for struggling with substance dependence and i depend on booze and weed to cope with feeling abandoned. its a really vicious cycle

ive been doing pretty okay with staying sober lately, but its mostly because i cant afford to stock back up on weed and the only alcohol i have is beer which isnt kosher for passover. today my landlord and his friend came over to do some renovations and they shared a joint with me, and it felt great to finally get high again but i also feel like it sent my brain right back into the mindset of needing to get high daily and keep it in my system. another part of why i get intoxicated so much is because i get fucking horrifically bored and understimulated, and weed and booze are the easiest way to stave off the feeling, so lately ive been trying to put my energy into hobbies and find other ways to stay stimulated as replacement behaviors for using. its been effective and its been a great feeling to be more productive and have more mental capacity to do things i enjoy. but after smoking this afternoon, once i came down from the high, i felt more bored than i have in a good while. the experience makes me think that maybe pot in particular causes me to be dependent on it to fight off boredom, and the lack of boredom it temporarily provides me makes anything i do while sober feel more boring by comparison.

honestly, i dont have faith right now that ill be able to refrain from buying more weed as soon as my paycheck comes in. my finances really arent great, but i have a slight buffer from my upcoming tax return covering my rent for may, and its way too easy for me to just take a bus downtown and hit up one of the many many dispensaries we have here. i can try to put it off for as long as possible, but itll only take a quick moment of my self control faltering enough for me to end up on the bus and then ill come home with enough flower to last me at least a couple weeks. sunk cost fallacy, if ive already bought the bus pass ill feel guilty if i just change my mind and go right back home. maybe if that happens, i can try replacing a dispensary trip with a bit of wandering downtown, check out the shops i havent gotten to see yet and maybe buy myself a cheap trinket or two, or a little snack. i think that would be a good idea, and it would most likely be cheaper without making me feel like i wasted money on the bus pass. i might try to do that if i end up on my way to a dispensary. but really, i dont know if i have the self control to keep from restocking my stash even with that backup plan in place, because its just so fucking easy to get my hands on it as long as i have the money to pay for it, and its so tempting because it feels so good to get high that i end up disregarding the consequences until they hit me.

it feels better waking up in the morning when i fell asleep sober. in the past couple weeks, when ive barely gotten high or drunk, its been a lot less of a pain getting out of bed in the morning, and i always feel groggier on the mornings after using. its uncomfortable and i dont like how hard it is to wake up. on the other hand though, my insomnia has been a lot harder to control since ive had to cut back on weed. it was far from fixed even when i was getting high nightly, but it at least kept my brain fro buzzing so much that i couldnt relax. lately i keep staying awake for like 30 hours at a time even though i get delirious staying awake that long. even right now i just feel exhausted and i want to sleep, but i have too much going on in my brain thats demanding i stay awake and Do Things despite being too sleep deprived to actually do much of anything effectively. im pretty sure i have some kind of sleep disorder, because ive struggled with insomnia and fucked up sleep patterns for years, but i also kind of think cutting back on cannabis could be exacerbating it. the joint from earlier got left with me, and we all only took a couple hits, so ive still got like half a joint left and its tempting to smoke a little more. i think the main things stopping me are the fact that my body feels too exhausted to get out of bed, and the fear of rekindling my dependence on it only to have to go without weed for a few more days.

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