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caslikescoffeeandfreckles · 3 years

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The Heart Will Lead You Home

A very late spn finale fix-it fic based on an addition to this Tumblr post! Word Count: 1.9k Read on Ao3

There was no stopping the way Dean’s heartbeat stuttered when he saw Ohio on the map, the wound still too fresh. Every press of his foot to the gas pedal felt like stepping on his own neck as they cruised along the highway, cornfields turning to soybeans turning to green galaxies of fireflies at night. He thinks he likes these stars better; the blue ones just hurt.

When they cross from Indiana to Ohio the stuttering becomes an ache, like the valves have shut down and the arteries are cut off. He keeps his breaths short and measured, careful, while his hands white knuckle the steering wheel and he presses a little heavier on the gas. It costs him a breath, that foot still on his neck. But he keeps driving.

The case is a weird one and Dean hasn’t been paying enough attention to explain how he ends up driving out in the middle of nowhere by himself. He can’t even tell you what town they’ve been in the past few days, just knows that there was a lead Sam needed to follow, leaving Dean to cruise down dark country roads that shouldn’t feel so achingly familiar and his chest shouldn’t feel so painfully full and empty all at once.

But Dean’s not an idiot. He does know these roads and he knows what waits up ahead. He keeps telling himself it doesn’t mean anything. This isn’t some kind of sign, his heart choking and coughing and lurching like a car on its last wheel with every stretch of mile.

At the sight of the barn he almost turns around. The aching in his chest is seeping into his bones, it feels like they’re breaking from the inside out, like there’s something swelling inside his chest cavity and pushing bone through tissue and skin.

The barn looks almost exactly the same as last time, the old wood boards grayed and weathered and hanging from the frame with just a few nails and the grace of God - or Jack now, he supposes.

It takes Dean a good thirty minutes to make himself get out of the car. And it hurts. Every movement hurts down to the flex of his knuckles, each foot fall against the hard dirt path.

Dean stands outside the door, his hand raised to pull it open but unable to follow through.

Cas isn’t going to be there, he tells himself. Stop being an idiot. Because he has to make sure any lingering tendrils of hope are gone. For whatever is left of his sanity, he just has to.

He doesn't realize until he’s already opened the door that he hasn’t drawn a weapon. There’s a dark growling voice in the back of head calling him a damn idiot, but it’s not as loud as it used to be. It’s been fading over the years but ever since - ever since… well, it’s been pretty radio silent in the last few weeks.

It turns out there’s no need for a weapon anyway. The barn is empty save for some abandoned farm equipment and hell’s entire population of spiders. The ground crunches beneath him and Dean looks down to find broken glass everywhere. There are scorch marks on the walls. The air is stale, untouched for years. The last time Dean had been in here it had smelled like lightning.

With that thought the pain becomes unbearable and Dean shatters like the glass beneath his feet. His hands reach out without thinking, seeking something to grab, to hold onto, but he can’t find anything. He can’t see, can’t hear, all of his senses drowned under the wave of agony ravaging his chest.

He’s dying. Dean just knows it somehow. But he doesn’t want to fight it this time. The desire isn’t even there. He doesn’t know when that had left him, maybe the night the Empty claimed Cas with a confession of love still wet on his lips, maybe in that void of loneliness once Cas was gone and Dean had sat decimated on the cold floor for hours trying to understand what the fuck had just happened and why he hadn’t been able to say something back, maybe just before Dean had walked through the barn door. Whenever it had gone, it had clearly gone with the angel and Dean didn’t miss it. Didn’t have a reason to anymore.

He’s not going to be there either, Dean hears the last bit of his self-loathing whisper, like one last punishment because even in death, Dean Winchester can’t let himself have peace.

I know, Dean thinks. He knows Cas is gone, somewhere no one can ever reach him. He’s done the research. But how can you document the existence of something that represents Nothing? That is Nothing but the absence of everything in all of time and space? But he wishes Cas could be on the other side. Even with all hope gone, he still wishes it was possible if only to give Cas the one thing both of them thought they could never have. Because Cas deserved that much. Cas deserved more than the world had ever been able to offer.

Castiel… Cas… I-

“Hello Dean.”

Dean’s heart stops and his eyes fly open.

He’s here, just feet away, in the same oversized suit and dirty trenchcoat. He’s here.

“H-how,” Dean starts, his mouth too dry. “I don’t- C-Cas how…”

Cas doesn’t move except to blink. “I think we have Jack to thank for this.” His voice is a deep and gravelly as the day they met and it’s like a soothing balm over Dean’s aching body, chasing all the hurt away like his grace has all these years.

“He found you,” Dean says because he needs to hear it again. “H-he found you.” Jack did what Dean couldn’t. The pain that has been raging inside Dean is gone, replaced with a weight of gratitude for the kid.

Cas nods like it’s that simple. “It took a while, but yes. Jack is very… determined. I think he gets it from his father.” The corners of Cas’s mouth soften into a small smile.

Dean doesn’t know how he finds the energy to blush but he feels the heat seep into his cheeks all the same. He has a million questions and another million things he wants to do with his hands right now but they’re safer in his pockets. There are too many words rushing around his brain and none of them feel right, none of them feel like enough. “Did you- what you said,” he tries, desperate to know but not sure exactly what he wants to know first, “when you- did you… mean it?”

A shadow crosses Cas’s face and Dean immediately regrets asking. “You still doubt me?”

“No, no,” Dean hurries to say. Cas hasn’t moved but he feels further away and that alone makes Dean’s chest hurt again. “I know- I know you meant it, Cas. I mean, I-I watched you…” get ripped away again. Cas had said he loved Dean and been swallowed into nothing. It left little to be misunderstood. It was just that… “You’re an angel, Cas,” Dean says, his voice sounding weak even to himself. “You’re like a million years old and - and I’m - you’ve never… is it the same kind of…?”

“You think I do not understand love the same way that you do,” Cas says, voice clipped and dry. It cuts like a blow and Dean can’t help but flinch. But he nods. Cas watches him carefully before nodding himself. “You are right. I am an angel, I was not designed to experience emotions aside from love and loyalty to my creator.”

Dean is deflating before Cas finishes his sentence.

“And yet… since the moment I first touched you in hell, there has been no being or entity I have trusted more without question,” Cas continues and Dean meets his eyes, confused and dangerously hopeful. “There has been no one I desired to follow to the ends of the Earth as I have desired to follow you. I do not love you the way humans love. Because I fell in love with your soul before any other part of you.” Cas’s arms rise to cross over his chest and there’s a faraway look in his eyes. “I have seen inside of you, Dean, I have seen the core of who you are and carried the roots of you in my arms. I held your soul against my chest and felt the greatest warmth I have known in my entire existence. I felt the true depth of your compassion and love, deeper than any ocean God could ever craft. And I knew before I rebuilt your body that a part of me would always belong to you, and no other thought has ever brought me such peace.”

When Cas’s eyes refocus they snap to Dean and his next words sink past every barrier of defense Dean has left. “I don’t love you in the same way as a human. I love you more than you could ever truly fathom, Dean. But I know that it is love because you taught me how to recognize the signs. You defined love for me. And even though you don’t feel the same, I am-”

“But I do.” The words jump from Dean’s throat before he can think them through but there’s no way in hell he’s going to miss another opportunity. He’s lost Cas too many damn times to waste a single minute. “I do, Cas. I- I can’t see your soul or whatever but I - you’re the only - Cas, I don’t want to breathe when you aren’t here.” He feels feral as he speaks, ready to jump out of his own skin, and honestly isn’t sure if he’s saying actual words. But the movements of his tongue and lips feel right so he keeps going. “Everytime you leave or get taken away it just gets harder and harder and I don’t- I can’t do it again.”

Cas is watching him with careful eyes, but Dean can see the hope blazing just under the surface. “So what do you want, Dean?”

“You,” Dean says and takes a step forward. “Us. I want us.”

The hope bleeds through into the blue and Cas’s eyes shine like the stars Dean’s been avoiding. “Is that all?”

Dean shakes his head. There’s a new life unraveling in his head as he takes another step closer to Cas. A life far away from hunting, with a cozy little home with enough yard space for a vegetable garden, a garage to shield Baby when they aren’t filling her trunk with suitcases instead of weapons and driving to the ocean just because. A life with kids and familiar faces at the supermarket and big family dinners with friends on Friday evenings. And Cas. Every minute of every day there is Cas. The only constant, the only necessity. “I have a list,” he admits and takes another step. “But you come first.”

Cas is close enough to touch now and so Dean does. His hands fall on Cas’s waist and slide around his back to pull the angel forward and Cas comes with no resistance. He falls into Dean’s chest like a missing puzzle piece, his arms wrapping around Dean’s shoulders and clutching tight.

“You have me, Cas,” Dean whispers into his angel’s ears. It’s a moot point by now but he thinks they both deserve the reassurance. “You’ve always had me.”

“I want to go home,” Cas says, his voice soft but still sending a rumble through Dean’s body.

Dean clings even tighter. “Then let’s go make one.”

#sorry i'm so late!! anyway ta-da!! my fix-it!!!#destiel #deancas #spn finale #mine #I just really wanted them alive and together and i loved the idea from that post of them meeting in the barn #the fucking poetic irony of cas returning to dean in the same barn they first met in #that's that shit i like #okay i have to go write smut for my wife now byeeeee

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demonologist-in-denim · 3 years

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Humming to himself, Crowley dusted the rich dark cocoa powder into the soft white flour, and reached for his trusty wooden spoon. Blending ingredients in a mixer tended to create a smoother batter, but Crowley enjoyed the feel of the spoon in his hand, the sound it made scraping the bottom of the bowl, the hands-on experience of turning flour and sugar and eggs into cake.

When the dry ingredients were properly combined, he made a well in the center and carefully poured in the buttermilk, eggs, butter and vanilla. Instead of the usual red food coloring, Crowley added in fresh beet puree – just enough to give the cake a velvety ruby hue. The rich cocoa would cover the hint of earth with a delicate chocolate flavor. The mixture was then evening distributed between three pans and scooched into the oven.

While the cakes baked, he set to work on the frosting. The softened cream cheese and unsalted butter whipped together beautifully. He settled on using far less powdered sugar than the recipe called for, wanting the tangy sweetness of the cream cheese to accent the cake all on its own.

“Would have asked about any preferences in decoration,” Crowley muttered to himself as he applied the crumb coating to the cake, once it was done baking and properly cooled, “but that would have tipped my hand.” Simple yet elegant seemed appropriate. After applying a thick final layer of cream cheese frosting, Crowley piped fluffy buttercream swirls along the rim of the red velvet cake. A soft pile of crumbled extra cake crowned the top, and he tossed more along the side to create a dusting effect.

There was nothing left now except to take the photo.

Which, as fate would have it, turned out to be the difficult part.

He positioned the cake on the kitchen table, and snapped a few photos. Crowley hmmmed to himself. It wasn’t quite up to his standard of food porn. Perhaps he’d take a few more, just to be on the safe side. Until one was suitably flattering. He was still adjusting the cake, playing with the proper angle and lighting for the perfect shot, when Sam and Dean strolled into the kitchen.

For a moment, they lingered at a respectful distance. But Crowley could sense their curiosity like a gathering storm of rose petals, soft yet burdensome.

“Can I help you two with something?”

Disbelief and delight were tugging a one-sided smile out of Sam. “Is – is that for Valentine’s Day?”

Valentine’s Day? Crowley narrowed his eyes at the elegant dessert. Bloody hell, the cake was red and white, wasn’t it? He hadn’t considered that when a bit of carefully applied questioning had disclosed the recipient’s cake preferences.

Crowley mulled the situation over. He couldn’t answer in the affirmative. That would mean he had intentionally crafted the cake as a celebration of gushy hearts and the sweet delirium of – internally, Crowley cringed – love. But he also couldn’t reply with a defensive and definitive “no”. That would only open him up to further, unwelcome inquiry.

He settled for the more characteristically dismissive third option.

“It’s Valentine’s Day?” Crowley steadfastly went back to attempting to capture the perfect photo with his phone. “I don’t bother myself keeping track of that sort of thing.”

Dean eyed the demon knowingly. “Yeah, well, our Netflix recommendations would say otherwise.”

Crowley glowered at the hunter.

“Whatever the occasion,” Sam offered up as his brother idled over to the cake, “that’s professional-grade baking. You’ve got a real talent. The frosting, the whole look? Seriously, I’m impressed.”

The arrow of this flannelled cupid hit its mark. Crowley felt a slight blush of pleasure, despite himself. Casual, unsolicited praise? From Sam Winchester? He seriously contemplated the possibility that Sam had been exposed to some sort of low-grade, poorly-concocted love spell that had bloomed into amiability, or maybe it had been released as a pink mist in the bunker’s common room, and Crowley had unknowingly avoided the worst of it. That seemed like the sort of malarkey that would happen around here on what, apparently, was Valentine’s Day.

Because Crowley found himself saying, “Thank you, Sam,” with actual sincerity. Moments such as these reminded Crowley that he was rather fond of these two boys, after all.

That was the moment Dean ran his finger along the edge of the cake, carrying off a large dollop of frosting from one side. The whole cake just looked so enticing! Dean was more of a pie man himself, but Crowley’s culinary expertise had the tendency to tempt him in surprising ways.

He was halfway to lifting the frosting-festooned finger to his mouth when he caught sight of the expression on Crowley’s face. Sam’s own face was a rotting lemon. Dean’s hand stilled, mouth still open.

“Um,” he muttered.

Dean looked at the offending finger, uncertain of what to do next. He started to put the frosting back where it belonged, thought better of it, looked for a napkin, and reluctantly settled for ashamedly completing the crime by depositing the frosting in his mouth.

Which was a mistake. Because now he knew the cake was friggin’ delicious, and Dean seriously wondered if maybe Crowley could manage his little photo shoot even if there was a slice of the cake missing.

As if he could read his brother’s mind, Sam shook his head in the most supreme disappointment. “Dean.”

“What?! Sorry!”

Reminding himself that murdering one Winchester brother would only end with him being ganked by the other one – though there were certainly times it seemed worth it – Crowley took a deep inhalation, and let it go. Cakes were ultimately meant to be eaten, even if it was by inconsiderate louts and lumberjacks.

“I’ll accept your apology, if you cut everyone else a slice before digging in yourself. I’m sure one of the photos I took before your little indiscretion will suffice.”

“Alright! Cake!” Dean cheered, while Sam just closed his eyes.

Crowley thumbed through the multitude of pictures he’d taken, and settled on the most appealing of the lot. Then he opened up his Bumblr app, and made a new post:

@petrichoravellichor – in honor of your birthday today. Heard from a mutual that you have a particular fondness for red velvet cake. Hope it’s to your liking. – C

He sent the message and image off with a satisfied smile, then set about getting plates and forks, as this cake was obviously not going to survive the interest of the Winchester brothers much longer.

As Crowley was pulling plates out of the cupboard and Dean was cutting into the cake, Castiel wandered into the kitchen, attention entirely given over to his phone. The angel had graduated from texting and emojis to social media and memes, and sometimes he could be found scrolling through Twitter and Instagram with a rapt fascination that would out-fixate even the most plugged-in FOMO-obsessed teenager. There was a chiming sound as he entered the kitchen, as notification of a new post.

“Dude,” Dean was grinning from ear to ear, “Crowley made cake!” He pointed with delight at the dessert.

Cas looked up from his phone, saw the cake, and halted in the middle of the kitchen. He narrowed his eyes, examining the red velvet cake on the table in front of him. Then he looked back down at his phone in consternation. Cas looked at the cake again. Looked back at his phone, and then slowly, he looked at Crowley.

The demon looked from the angel to the cake, his eyes increasing in size as realization dawned.

“Is that – ?”

“Don’t you say one bloody word, angel!” Crowley blustered, a rush of red to his face further colored by the mortification of such abject exposure. “Not one word!”

And before anyone could say anything else, Crowley shoveled a huge slice of not-at-all birthday cake onto a plate, shoved it into Cas’ hand, and quickly excused himself from the kitchen.

“What,” Sam wondered to the startled room, “was that all about?”

Cas continued to stand in the middle of the room, cake in one hand and phone in the other, attempting to come to terms with having inadvertently discovered a fandom mutual was also a real-life friend, and the one he would have least expected. Unsettled, he took comfort in the certainty their shared mutual would appreciate the well wishes on their birthday.

Dean shrugged, merrily flipped the serving knife in his hand, then waved the tip at his brother. “That’s Crowley for you,” he observed, good mood undeterred. “Dude would cut out his own heart and blend it to make red cake batter before admitting to it, but deep down, he’s just a big ol’ teddy bear who wuvs hugs. Speaking of which – you see that giant pink moose Eileen sent you? Friggin’ adorable.”

Dean proceeded to cut a huge slice for himself, leaving a worried looking Sam staring down at the blood-red cake. Then the hunter stepped around a disconcerted Castiel, patting the angel on the shoulder, and strolled out of the kitchen.

***

Happy birthday, Petra! I’m sure you’re tired of your birthday comingling with Valentine’s Day, but when you said your cake preference was red velvet cake, what was I to do? ;)

If you’re wondering exactly why – or even how – Crowley became a member of the in-world spn fandom, you can find out here. This fic will be posted on AO3 in my Tumblr Ficlets after posting on Tumblr.

Image sources here: X

#crowley #spn ficlet #spn fandom #spn crack #spn fanfic #dean winchester #sam winchester #castiel #one of the boys #fandom life #happy birthday #to you!#this was so much fun to write #i *may* have passed along to Crowley #your cake preference #hope you have a great day!

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zandracourt · 2 years

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I posted 815 times in 2021

46 posts created (6%)

769 posts reblogged (94%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 16.7 posts.

I added 119 tags in 2021

#mcdanno - 29 posts

#h50 - 27 posts

#zandra writes stuff - 25 posts

#tfatws spoilers - 8 posts

#spn - 7 posts

#tfatws - 6 posts

#hawaii five 0 - 5 posts

#sambucky - 4 posts

#danny williams - 4 posts

#tfatws spoilers - 4 posts

Longest Tag: 116 characters

#the number of times i have quoted parts or all of this scene cannot be measured with current scientific instruments.

My Top Posts in 2021

I’ve been dragging my oldest daughter through Hawaii Five-0 episodes and every time there is a McDanno moment (heart-eyes, flirting, what have you) her first response is “OMG they are so cute” followed quickly by “UGH THIS QUEERBAITING PISSES ME OFF. FUCK YOU CBS”

Same, dear one. Same.

22 notes • Posted 2021-01-28 21:44:14 GMT

Crossed Lines AO3 Link

MI-5 Agent Harry Langford seems to turn Danny’s head anytime he shows up, which doesn’t exactly make Steve happy. This story spans across all four episodes/seasons and the impact Harry has on Danny’s relationship with his partner.

This story is dedicated to @grindy-cog who told me someone should write about this and I decided that someone would be me.

22 notes • Posted 2021-04-08 04:17:32 GMT

To celebrate 2021, I’m posting (and reposting if you’re followed me a while) my favorite fanvids of all time for my various fandoms.

First off, McDanno, because following the shit-show finale, I was finally inspired to write my first fic in 4 years because I HAD TO FIX THAT SHIT. There are many excellent McDanno vids but I love this one because the song is perfect.

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This is my favorite SPN ones because while I ship Destiel, I actually do understand why people ship Dean with, well, pretty much anyone. Because Jensen Ackles just exudes sexual energy and this vid proves it. If you ship Dean with someone other than Cas, I get it because I have no trouble imagining Dean *tapping that*, no matter who it is.

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I have many MCU videos that I love because more than another fandom, they have their editing *tight*. Glitter and Gold gets a lot of well-deserved props, but this one is excellent and touches on the heart inside every MCU hero.

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My favorite Starsky and Hutch video was inspired from another video that aired at a con (yes, S&H fandom has cons!) and it’s one I adore because I have a deep soft-spot for the Tornio, but also for the boys.

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This Harry Potter vid is one of the first fanvids I recall watching over and over. It’s one of my fav. One Republic songs, and it gets to the heart of what that series was for me: it’s a war story.

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This vid of Han/Leia is special because it captures exactly what 10 year-old me was captivated by after Empire came out and why they will be the forever ship of my teen years.

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This song is MADE for fanvids and I have seen it used for several ships, but I like this one for Johnlock because that is one ship where the canon seems to inspire the lyrics the most.

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44 notes • Posted 2021-01-01 08:07:00 GMT

Rest In Peace, Ms. Cloris Leachman. You were down with “gay marriage” and a beautiful guest star in one of our fandom’s most treasured episodes.

115 notes • Posted 2021-01-28 19:54:50 GMT

Ok, I’ve been puzzled by this. Here, and in another shot of Sam and Bucky on the plane, Bucky is wearing dog tags.

BUT it’s fully established that he’s not current military and there would be NO reason for Hydra to have kept his WWII dog tags on him because they didn’t want him to ever remember who he truly was, plus it’s been DECADES so if not destroyed in the 40’s, certainly lost.

BUT Steve had his dog tags on when he crashed into the ice so they were recovered when he was thawed and they would be among his belongings.

THEREFORE Bucky is wearing Steve’s dog tags.

135 notes • Posted 2021-03-30 12:34:24 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

#my 2021 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #Youtube

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herstarburststories · 4 years

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1541 Followers Celebration!

1541 because every follower is important to me. Every person had their finger on making this blog what it is: the people that were too shy and sent anonymous requests, the ones that just talk to me in dms, and those who always like my posts. But of course, a special thanks to the ol' followers and the ones who always reblog and comment. You guys are the love of my Tumblr.

It's been a long journey, some hiatus and so many changes. I marvel at how some of you guys stuck with me through all the phases of this blog. But hey, let's get to the fun business!

I'm hosting my first challenge. All the prompts and music are from Taylor Swift's new album folklore, that just fits so much in spn... But will be open for more fandoms as well! Why am I still talking? Just check it out!

Rules:

You can write based on song or pick the prompt (or both).

Send me an ask or dm to claim your prompt and say what you are writing for. Ex: prompt number 7, Dean x reader.

Fandoms: mainly Supernatural, but also open for Marvel & DC (RPF included).

Tag me on the autor notes and use #starburstsnewmilestone

Fluff, gen, smut, angst, crack: your choice! Just tag accordingly.

No max words, minimum of 500.

You don't need to be following me, but I'd be grateful since it's a followers celebration.

NO underage or water play.

Deadline is November, 5 (before SPN ends because I know we all will be crying)

Prompts:

the 1 or “You know the greatest loves of all time are over now.” taken by @superbadassnatural!

cardigan or “I knew you'd come back to me.” taken by @bi-danvers0!

the last great american dynasty or “She had a marvelous time ruining everything.” taken by @jawritter!

exile or “I can see you staring, honey. Like he's just your understudy. Like you'd get your knuckles bloody for me.” taken by @deansblackbeauty!

my tears ricochet or “You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same.” taken by @baconcheeseburger!

mirrorball or “Hush, I know they said the end is near.” taken by @ladyofmaidensandwine!

seven or “Your dad is always mad.” taken by me!

august or “Meet me behind the mall.” taken by @msmarvelouswinchester!

this is me trying or “Pouring out my heart to stranger, but I did not pour the Whiskey.” taken by @holylulusworld!

illicit affairs or “Don't call me kid. Don't call me baby. Look at this idiotic fool that you made me.” taken by @negans-lucille-tblr!

invisible string or “Cold was the steel of my axe to grind for the boys who broke my heart, now I send their babies presents.” taken by @itsangelpie!

betty or “The worst thing that I ever did was what I did to you.” taken by @deansmyapplepie!

mad woman or “And when you say I seem angry, I get more angry. And there's nothing like a mad woman.” taken by @bcr36!

epiphany or “Some things you just can't speak about.” taken by @samskia-writes!

peace or “Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?” OPEN

hoax or “You know it still hurts underneath my scars from when they pulled me apart, but what you did was just as dark.” taken by @blue-lion1!

the lakes or “I don't belong. And, my beloved, neither do you.” taken by @deanmonandnegansbitch!

PS: Preference is reader insert fics, but you can write for some couples as: Dean x Cassie, Dean x Lisa, Sam x Castiel, Sam x Anael, Anael x Ruby, Jensen x Jared, Dick x Kory, Kory x Babs, Jason x Roy, Bruce x Diana, Clark x Lois

Tagging people that might join/signal boost: @demonhunterbarbie @bi-danvers0 @kalesrebellion @ladyofmaidensandwine @msmarvelouswinchester @deansrightfulangerissue @superbadassnatural @deansmyapplepie @deanmonandnegansbitch @deanwinchesterswitch @negans-lucille-tblr @holylulusworld @anathewierdo @jay-and-dean @carryonmywaywardbucky @baconcheeseburger @deansblackbeauty @talesmaniac89 @i-sing-for-me @samskia-writes @amanda-teaches @hellscrown @that-winged-rat @impala-1979 @crispychrissy @22sarah08 @mummybear @roonyxx @deanwanddamons @squirrelnotsam @mila-dans @huntertales @alleiradayne @jawritter

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fluorescentbrains · 3 years

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hi I'm sorry you feel the way you feel right now about spn. you don't know how weirdly relieved it makes me to know I wasn't the only one genuinely emotionally damaged by this show (if you're not joking rn. I hope not because then this will be a little awkward lmao but Im really going back to therapy for this) because I always feel like a crazy person when I say it out loud. you see, I had to leave the show a while ago. I left and only kept up with whatever people on tumblr said was happening on the show. but really the reason I had to leave was because it was genuinely worsening my mental health lol. I cared TOO much about it. and having personal issues with delusions, it really made me feel absolutely insane when literally everyone (fandom and writers and everyone in between) would laugh at me in my face and say or imply I was delusional and stupid and ridiculous for seeing things that weren't there (they were!!), or calling me/treating me as if I was a hormonal pervert for liking deancas when I was only a kid with a bunch of sexuality and gender issues who didnt even care about sex but was made to feel shame for it anyway. the fandom the show and all the batshit stuff around it also really modified the way I engaged with media (or anything really) ever again, because I never let myself care about anything as much as I cared about spn. I probably sound so dumb but like it truly modified a lot of stuff in me forever, which is why it'll always stay in my heart for good reasons and bad reasons. all of this without even talking about how important the show, the characters and the actors (yeah jackles- I didn't know back then that idolizing celebrities was wrong until I learned it the hard way lol) were for me as a severely depressed teen who was just starting to find themselves. anyways I came back again before the last episodes in the middle of an already existing depressive episode, because i guess you can never really escape this show for some reason, and it once again fucked me up completely. like the ending was so so depressing and hopeless to me it sent me down a spiral again. I left the show to avoid feeling like this because in my heart I knew they would screw it up and I needed to be prepared but it happened anyway lmao. like what's all this what's the point of anything. I'll still stay in this lane because I guess this is where I do and will always belong, and if there's any lesson this godforsaken show left me is that there's no point in trying to escape from your inevitable fate no matter what you do lol. sorry this was so long. hope I didn't weird you out.

anon you didn’t weird me out i relate to this so much ❤️❤️❤️ the gaslighting and the getting slutshamed for liking destiel and the multitude of other emotional damages wrought by thoughtless writing. God. Caring About Supernatural Syndrome (CASS) really should be in the DSM cause it fuckin SNIPED a whole generation.

my hope is that eventually the way it ended won’t hurt as much and we can look back and appreciate what we liked about it, but it’s going to take a while i think. in the meantime i’m trying to hold on to all the ways dean and cas DID manage to defy their fate despite the odds being stacked against them both in and out of the show. and because the show wouldn’t allow them to be together onscreen it fully fell apart on itself, because destiel was the fucking GLUE holding the entire story together. like they’re free now; they broke free of the narrative and the story’s universe collapsed behind them on their way out and that’s that on that. they were always too good for their own shitty network show and so are we

#Anonymous

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moonlight-breeze-44 · 3 years

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Em’s Year in Review

Hey, guys! It’s been a long time since my last personal post on here, but as it’s officially 2021 (thank God), I wanted to do the cheesy Year in Review thing and give thanks to the friends I’ve made, the communities I’ve joined, and the things that have changed me beyond words this year that I want to share with you all.

To start, perhaps the biggest and best change of the year was when I joined the Shadowhunters fandom. Not to mention the friends I’ve made along the way and the support I’ve received and the amazing community I found my home in, Shadowhunters managed to rejuvenate my love for this site and fandom in general. Shadowhunters transformed this blog from an occasional place that I would visit to kill time into a means of expression that I am extremely proud of. Shadowhunters transformed my AO3 from a practically extinct account with three fics posted to an up-and-running, 80-fics-and-still-going-strong profile that is, truly, one of my biggest accomplishments.

Shadowhunters also led to several friendships that I know I will cherish for the rest of my life. I would like to take this time to give thanks to some of them, and I apologise deeply if you deserve to be on this list and you aren’t; I know there are probably some people that I’m forgetting. You’re all important to me, and you’re all a part of the reason I am writing this right now.

To start off, @arialerendeair has been an incredible source of support, friendship, and love for me throughout my journey into the Shadowhunters fandom, and she means more to me than words can say. She is a forever friend, a wonderful person, the best kind of enthusiastic and encouraging, and she is one of the most amazing people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.

Before I joined the @malecdiscordserver and met a myriad of people that I gladly call my friends, I existed in the Shadowhunters fandom solely on Tumblr, and I would like to give thanks to my very first Shadowhunters fandom friend, @lightwormsiblings, for making me feel at home here and generally being an amazing person.

@sugarandspace is a wonderful author and an even better person, and my friendship with her has led to many amazing fics, conversations, and sweet words. Her mental health fics and her response to mine are what inspired me to really start writing for this fandom, and as I’m sure you can imagine, that is something that I am very grateful for. <3

I would also like to give a shout-out to my fluffy counterpart, @bidnezz, who created the Fluff vs. Angst Battle 2020 with me, an AO3 collection that has made me smile countless times. Likewise, @aceon-ice deserves a shout-out, as well, for being an amazing person and supporting me despite my angsty tendencies.

I have @eternallysilvermagnusandalec and @emma-arthur to thank for my love of Autistic Alec, and I want to give them the biggest of virtual hugs for screaming with me, bouncing headcanons with me, and generally being my biggest Autistic Alec supporters. They are wonderful friends, and I’m so lucky to have them both in my life.

As for friends that aren’t actively on Tumblr, I would like to give thanks to Val, one of my favourite sprinting buddies and an amazing friend, Hannah, my favourite dinosaur-obsessed Among Us murderer and the source of endless support, and Evi, my recently-found friend, writing support extraordinaire, and fellow Team Angst comrade.

I am extremely grateful for every single friend I’ve made in the Shadowhunters fandom, and every person who helped me feel at home in this community and showed me that this is a place where I can belong. You are all amazing, and I wish I had the words to express my gratitude for you.

Another thing that the Shadowhunters fandom brought me was a means of self-expression, through a character like no other I’ve ever encountered before. Alec Lightwood and his place in Shadowhunters has brought me endless joy, validation, and hope for the future. Alec Lightwood is a character that I love dearly and relate to strongly, and his happy-ever-after as a gay man in love with a bisexual warlock truly lifted me up when I needed it. His character helped me to start writing things that I love, things that I enjoy, and things that benefit me to put on paper. For that, I am forever grateful.

This year has brought a lot of changes to my life, but I can say without a shadow of a doubt that Shadowhunters & the friends it’s made me are by far my favourites.

Other than Shadowhunters, there are a few other things that have shaped my year in large ways that I would like to give mention to.

To start things off, as most of you know, I’ve been a fan of Supernatural since before I even knew fandom was a thing - hell, before fandom really was a thing. Supernatural and the SPN family and the AKF campaign got me through some of my toughest times, and I will always be grateful to that show for giving me everything that it did.

Despite the discourse and despite everything that took over Tumblr with the finale and Cas’s confession, I am so happy that I made it to see that finale. It gives me a lot of joy to know that I’ve been here for fifteen seasons of a show that changed my life, and everything that comes in between. I love Sam and Dean and Castiel and all of the other characters that captured my heart in Supernatural, and I’m so grateful that I got to be a part of a family like this one. My experience in and with the Supernatural fandom will always be important and special to me, and I want to thank my first ever fandom friend (you know who you are), who encouraged me to post my first ever fanfiction back when I was younger and taught me what it means to be a part of a fandom community. She is the reason I’m fandom-ing it up today, and I’ll forever be grateful to her for that.

I’ve already mentioned them once before, but I want to give another shout-out to @eternallysilvermagnusandalec, @emma-arthur, and @arialerendeair for being truly amazing, wonderful people when it comes to a certain aspect of my identity that I’ve just started becoming okay with.

For any of you who may not know: I am autistic. ...damn, that felt good to say. At this time last year, I was still very much “in the closet” about having autism and I was masking so much that I panicked at the slightest hint that I was “different”. I did not like who I was, and I had been conditioned to believe that I had to hide my differences if I wanted to have any chance of being accepted by others.

These three made me see that that isn’t the case.

Constantly being told “Quiet hands!” and to just look at somebody when I was talking to them and that it was irrational & dumb to be too overwhelmed to speak took its toll, but the Shadowhunters fandom and Silver, Emma, and Aria helped me realise that my hands can be as loud as they need to be, it’s okay if I stare at the wall while I talk to someone, and sometimes not being able to speak is just the way the cookie crumbles. Their acceptance of me and their incredible support has helped me become so much more comfortable with myself, to the point where I’m unmasking when I’m alone and letting myself stim without fear of repercussions or the feeling that I’m doing something wrong. They are the best kind of people, wonderful friends, and truly incredible.

It is largely thanks to them that I am even fighting this ongoing battle against my own internalized ableism, and it’s important to me that all three of them know that. <3

For more information on autistic masking and what it looks like and why some of us do it, I recommend checking out this video, made by an autistic creator!

If you’d like to know the true, harsh meaning of “Quiet Hands”, I recommend checking out this post, which explains the phrase & its connotations better than I ever could.

Thank you to everyone who has read this far, and I hope you all have a wonderful 2021! This year was hard, but we survived. There have been times when I wanted to give up, and there have been times when you wanted to give up, I’m sure. But we are both still here, and that counts for something. That counts for a lot, actually. It’s everything. I did it. You did it. We did it. That’s something to be proud of.

Going into 2021, I hope that everyone will be kind, do their best to be understanding of other people’s differences, and treat others with the amount of respect they deserve.

I love you all, and thank you for making this year, despite all of its challenges, one that I will remember and cherish for the rest of my life.

#year in review #long post #em rambles too much #my friends #shadowhunters #supernatural #autism #neurodiversity #positive mental attitude #Fandoms #what i'm thankful for #happy new year

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sinnabonka · 3 years

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Hey Hun! Lots of love to you. For starters I wanted to say that there should be no cell in your body blaming yself in any way. You and your blog were hope for so many people. You were the "you are not crazy" of the final weeks, and I'm forever grateful to you. Instead of dying of anxiety I managed to have a blast in this time of waiting, thanks to you. I passed my master thesis, because you gave me strength to see past the fear. I laughed in those weeks more than in last 5 years, and all of it because of the hope you gave me.

The rest of the msg is going to be pretty emotional rant about the awfulness of it all, and I know my opinion doesn't matter to anyone but I wanted someone important to me to hear my thoughts, if that's ok. It's also ok if you don't want to read it ofc. It's like my breakup letter to the show.

I hear many people cheering for the finale and i find it really hard to deal with. I always considered myself an open person who fights for healthy love as the only redeeming quality of the universe. I could see people's point of view, even if it didn't sit well with mine, and I would always try to hear them out respectfully until they weren't being respectful themselves. That said, I'm fully unable to understand cheering for this type of spiteful content and hearing those cheers makes me feel like the entire world is listening to "this is how you treat your fans, this is how to abuse your power over naive sheep, this is how to keep dumb, hopeful minorities in check" and taking notes.

It also upsets me that the people who gave this show all of themselves and tried to understand it to the core are given no resolution, are spitted on and buried under the rug for doing their best to appreciate the art and the story it was telling. Yet people, who just hang around and watch the show doing the dishes, with no consideration to it's story or characters, got as nonsensical ending as their whole idea of character development in SPN.

I know people say that it was good enough, because it leaves space for guessing and own interpretation, but I feel it's really undermining the extend to which the finale was awful and hurtful to the fans. There is no end that realistically could stop fanfic writers from finding way around it in the world of Supernatural, so saying it was thoughtful of them Is like excusing abusive partner because "they could hit me harder, but they didn't. That means they care"

Lose ends, characters being written in a way that is totally not true to them and their development (personally my biggest allegation), dismissing years of story development, proving that it was all 'queerbaiting' in big part in the end (hell, even the whole "Cas is in heaven so do with it what you will" is a shameful way of appalling to LGBTQ community after using them so hard.

In the pie scene, the roles should be swapped, it's Dean who should say that Cas is on his mind and Sam explaining him that it's only right to keep on living doing good in their name. That's what Dean told Sam at the beginning of the season, when Sam lost Rowena, so it would be at least a bit poetic. This would at least give us some truth from Dean for once, but he died how he lived, in shadow of his fear to be true towards his feelings and needs. And as he died, he bound his little brother to the hunting till the end of his days, by guilting him into it on his deathbed. Guess Dean took after his father.

Have you realised what that emotional "love speech" from Dean to Sam resulted in? It was writers taking back Cas' confession after they didn't need our viewership anymore.

They basically gave us love confession to get us to follow the finale and when they didn't need us anymore, not only they didn't commit to the confession, but they undermined it by having Dean's speech to Sam go the way it did with obviously higher emotional charge, successfully taking back the value of Cas' confession and making it about a bait for "Tumblr idiots"

Finale killed my feelings towards Destiel, not because it wasn't confirmed canon, but because from what I see in the episode, they canonically confirmed that

- for Dean, Cas was only means to an end, which is such an awful way of ending Cas' character arc. They gave him everything he was scared of and nothing close to consolation price and they dare to tell us he had a happy ending, "because they said so". Well, I didn't see him being happy, and knowing what i textually know i can empathise enough to say that he faced a miserable finish. Even Chuck got an end that was better than Cas' fate.

- Dean, given power to do anything he could dream of, chooses to not even greet Cas, after Cas gave his whole life to Dean, told him he loved him and died for him. I know some people consider the little smirk of Dean confirmation of his feelings, but let's be real for just a second. If someone you deeply loved for years confessed to you, told you they thought you don't love them back, you would be freaking running to see them and tell them how much you love them. That smirk to me reads as "I'm relieved to know you're not going to spend eternity in mega hell that i left you in" and we really need to stop giving credit to writers for scraps like this when it's the last episode ever and we know this isn't going anywhere.

Not to mention that by having Jack bring Cas back behind the scenes it just highlights the fact that Dean didn't ask him to do that in episode 19.

As result, I'm unable to look at any Destiel scene and not think "in here Cas already loved him and in here Dean already abuses the power he had over Cas, because of his one-sided love"

And yet, the episode and endgames for everyone (maybe not Sam, but he was seriously pinning for Dean his entire life. Wincest much?) managed to be so bad, that not even bringing Cas back or following up on Destiel would make a difference in my eyes. I know you believe that Destiel would save it, but for me as much as it would be a redeeming quality, it wouldn't be enough to save this awfulness that writer doomed characters with.

And all the Wincest scenes in the finale... I low key expected them to make out and it made me feel physically sick. Also, cutting Misha out because of coronavirus is a cheap excuse. We all know better than to believe that, so let's not fall for the self pity play from the abuser.

If you managed to stay with me till this point, thank you so much for hearing me out. I hope i didn't anger you with my monologue. I will always think of the lamp when i think of you. The reality is that you were the lamp for so many of us in this darkness.

Love you so much, wish all the best to you, take care of yourself and stay safe!

Oh my god, if I didn’t cry with the final, I definitely am crying now. And now I have to explain my partner why I’m staring at my laptop and sobbing ugly. What have you done?

First of all, I hear you pain, my friend! I share it! I didn’t spend a second after the final without the feeling of my heart being shuttered into million pieces, being stitched back just to break again, and so on and so on.

I had my first panic attack in two years yesterday, when I kept thinking about the message the show sent to the fandom via Dean’s fate. I have a few posts in my draft on the matter, but I am not sure I will ever share them, because it is one strong depresso, and I don’t think people following me should see how fucked up it really is (if they didn’t get it by themselves, of course).

I want to remind you, my gentle soul, that the story belongs to us. We know Dean, we know Cas, we know Sam and others. We know that the final is not who they are! I know it’s hard to ignore the text, the canon, because it’s kinda godsent, but the truth is essential. And the final is not the truth.

The truth:

Cas loves Dean, he sacrificed himself for him, he saved his life on multiple occasions, he told all those beautiful things and he meant every word.

Dean loves Cas, he was on his lowest every time he lost him, Cas was his “big win”, his best friend, his brother, his white light that lead him out of his anger, hatred and despair. He took a dog and called it Miracle, he was looking for a job to retire from hunting, he didn’t kill Chuck - all of that, because the sacrifice Cas made was not in vain! The message was clear.

I choose to ignore the “Carry on”, the only attention it is going to get is me creating 20 more mails just to put a one star review there and to drop some more salty or bitter comments with it. Maybe I will read through some reviews, too, add them to my collection.

Maybe I will one day write here an article from scriptwriting perspective how fucked up in was, because that’s what I can do about it, without throwing up.

If you can’t ignore it, I understand it. It is painful, it is disrespectful, I hate it as much as you do, probably.

If there’s anything I can do for you to feel better, just drop me a message, we can talk about it. I am on the lowest, too, but maybe we can help each other.

You say I was your lamp. Let me lead you our of the darkness one more time <3

CW can suck my metaphorical dick (I’m tagging every angry post with it), but Supernatural is not just the show on CW, it’s a big family.

And you can’t give up on it! You can’t give up on Dean and Cas, you can’t give up on Destiel! It’s so much bigger then the show itself.

Rediscover the show for yourself, remind yourself that Dean and Cas are real, it was never one sided, it was always something amazing.

What is real? We are.

Don’t you ever change.

I rather have you, cursed or not.

It’s love, hun, and love always wins.

#the15yearshow #spn #destiel #cw #can suck my metaphorical dick #sinnabonka answers

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werepires · 3 years

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I can't wait for tonight's episode!

It was so long I actually watched a live episode of spn.

I kinda stopped watching after they killed crowley(I really liked him, that shit hurt), just the occasional episode here and there, keeping up with it on tumblr tho and for the first time in what feels like forever I'm actually so excited for an episode!

I cannot explain it really, but my heart is so soft for them, like going back to read my favorite destiel fics, staying on tumblr for hours, the whole shebang. I never thought I'll reach a point in my life where I'll go back to all of this, but here I am!

I've watched spn since the first episode, I started shipping them from s4 and found this whole fandom that I didn't knew existed on livejournal, ao3 and tumblr later on that it made me feel less alone and like I had a place where I belonged to. And now after all these years that I've been back, it feels like I'm finally finding my way back home, after a long journey.

I don't even know how to explain it really, but seeing them going in the direction we've been told not to look for years, that we're crazy for believing they'll do that, it's giving me immense joy. I'm bi myself and more often than not, I see myself in Dean. Having him repeatedly portray that confusion, curiosity, sometimes anger and misunderstanding of your own feelings towards persons of the same sex it's really important and it's giving me hope that in the end everything will be alright for us both and we'll get the happy ending we deserve.

Perhaps I'm still being too emotionally attached to this show I've been watching since 2005 but it's been there for me for so long that I hardly remember a time when it wasn't(I was 16 whenthe show started)

I never expected to be pulled back to it with such a force that Castiel's confession was but for first time in a long period I feel like I'm living again and I have faith that in the end they will get the happiness they've been denied for so long, and so will we.

I'm sorry for the long message, I just needed to tell someone all this(I'm glad it was you)

Back to being an emotional wreck I guess 🤗❤❤

thank you so much for sharing this with me ❤❤❤❤

And I feel you with the faith thing, 15x18 honestly was a turning point for me because I had given up all hope for a good ending and now even the wreck that was 15x19 can’t get me down from the high I’ve been riding haha

#answered asks #s15 #Anonymous

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milenadaniels · 3 years

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I just want to say, I’m on my fourth spontaneous crying jag today and my brain has been wanting to fall into “of course it ended like this, it’s 2020, everything is awful” spirals of depression. So let me say it loud, for myself, and for anyone else who needs to hear it.

WE ARE STILL HERE.

The show is over but we remain. We outlived it. The show won’t be on next Thursday, but we’ll be there.

Which means WE CAN FIX THIS.

No, we’re not CW executives, or the SPN showrunners or writers or actors. We can’t produce more canon. But in the best moments of this show’s last five years, it has been hammered home over and over that the story, the brothers, the angel, the family, does not belong to God, whatever face it’s wearing. It belongs to us who are fighting for it.

So we’re going to fix it. By being here. By outliving the show every day. And creating more than canon ever could.

If you’ve been out of fandom and you’ve got the writing itch? Don’t ignore it. If you’ve never written or drawn or vidded because you’re a novice or don’t feel confident - you literally can’t do worse than the show did anymore. Dive in, friend!

If you’re tapped out, you’re drained, your creative juices aren’t flowing - don’t try to push yourself! Let your mind and your body rest and heal so you can come back stronger later.

Leave more kudoses and comments and bookmark tags on works. Take this time to reblog more art instead of just liking. Take this time to like and leave comments on vids and share them on tumblr.

The show is dead and that’s a blow.

But we’re still here, and we can fix this, for our own broken hearts, and for each other.

Let’s write those S16 AUs episode by episode. Let’s raise those funds for causes near and dear to our hearts. Let’s make so much noise -- in spite, pettiness, doggedness, triumph, rejoicing -- that we drown out those finales and stamp them out of the cultural record.

Let’s make sure the SPN fandom is remembered as that unsinkable juggernaut of a ship. That behemoth that gets knocked down and laughs and gets back up to rewrite our own stories and leave our own legacies.

#spn #destiel #dean winchester #castiel #sam winchester #saileen #eileen leahy #jack kline #shout out to anyone fighting to keep their mental health above water today because fuck knows I am #my posts

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silverloke · 3 years

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so I’ve just seen seasons 13 + 14 for the first time. (stopped airing on tv after s12 and cba to stream/download)

first off. how Dean REFUSED to acknowledge out loud that cas was dead/gone. he said it about the others, but with Cas he COULDN’T EVEN SAY IT OUT LOUD. he just choked up. fucking hell, my heart. that was nice.

s13 was kinda fun with the alternate universes things. of all tv-shows to have it, it deffo belonged in spn. more could’ve been done with this but i suppose michael coming back over to posess dean was good enough.

ARCHANGEL-POSSESSED DEAN. hnnnnggggffffffffff.

but the end of s13 was ridiculous. the flying fight between michael & lucifer looked awkward. the ending, with the weird zoom in on michael!dean??? i remember how much it was made fun of when it had aired. and righteously so!!! lmao

was it ep1 of s14 that had a really weird fight? like the director was OBSESSED with these weird as fuck zoom-ins??? ugh that was hard to watch, it looked so dumb. the pain was real.

i loved the episode about the ghost possessing collector items and that huge serial killer thing. i loved seeing Dean go full-out nerd with the other guy and talk about horror movies and quote them and god yeah we all needed to see him so fun and carefree for a while.

in complete contradiction, i also enjoyed the dream scenes of him stuck inside the box on the bottom of the ocean. >_>;

also, I DON’T LIKE JACK. i never liked him in any of the gifsets or fanarts on tumblr, and i didn’t like him in the show. everytime i thought i would do so, it went back to ugh no again. i enjoyed his death. i know what he’s gonna do for Dean at the very end and create a whole new heaven for him instead of him being stuck in some happy memory like “normal heaven” so in that sense it’s good that i’m only seeing these seasons now, but nah. not liking jack. i like that dean, cas & sam has a son together though, i just wish i could like him. i also hate his stupid hair, no son of sam should have such dumb hair.

ok. soon on to s15. i’ve only seen the final ep (not overly impressed), and the destiel scene. then no more new things :’( (but as i realized i’ve forgotten most of the old episodes it’ll be just like watching something new again in a few years time anyway lol)

#supernatural #late night ramblings

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wikiangela · 3 years

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warning (if anyone even reads it): it started as a short post but I started venting and it got long af haha

the worst thing is, I still genuinely love the show?

like, yeah, the ending was bad

so bad

there were so many things that I already posted and reblogged about it

but

I just can't hate the show, you know? I haven't been in this fandom that long, I honestly started watching the show in August 2018 (the thing that was really discouraging was the amount of the episodes)

but in such a short time I fell completely in love with the story and the characters and I got much more attached and invested than in any other show

and even though I haven't really talked to anyone from the spn family (because I'm super shy and introverted and I don't know how to start or maintain a conversation especially online) I really felt like a part of something? like I finally fit in?

I wrote fanfics, most of them I haven't posted because they're not finished or just because they're bad, but I genuinely enjoyed doing that and it felt so fun to take those characters that I love and put them in stories I created

every time I feel useless and hopeless and like I can't do anything well, or I lose enjoyment in things that I love, I start writing about destiel and it reminds me how much I enjoy and love writing

and I go on tumblr and see people who love the same show and who have similar opinions about it and I see their wonderful art and read their amazing fanfics and I just love that I get to enjoy it and share it and I really feel like I belong (even though, like I said, I don't really know anyone from the fandom, lol) like, the spn family is the only 'place' that I don't feel like I'm standing out all that much, like I'm out of place, somehow, idk how to explain it

Supernatural has really given me so much joy and entertainment and I cried so much all throughout the show, and got angry and frustrated, and amused, and I loved every second of it.

and yeah, the end was so bad. and maybe I did hate it. I was disappointed. and mad. but all in all, I couldn't hate the whole show. maybe because of the sentiment I have for this show (and bear in mind, I have only watched for two years, there are people who were there since the very beginning, like, wow) or because maybe I just didn't want to see how bad it was, initially. I posted a thing with my reactions all throughout the episode and as I reread it there aren't many bad things I said, I only started really thinking about it later, and letting it sink in

there were things that I loved (or maybe just liked). I loved seeing og Bobby. I loved that Jack rebuilt Heaven so that everyone could be together. I loved that Sam got to live a full life. I loved (really loved) that Dean had Baby in Heaven - no matter what you all say, Baby is more than a car and I love her as if she was a character because she kinda is. and obviously I loved the dog (but what happened to him later?) can't remember anything more right now hah

but there were more things I actually hated.

I hated that we didn't see Cas, and that he was mentioned only twice. I hated the way Dean died, because there are two scenarios of his death that I would be fine with and that's either of old age after living a full happy life or in the blaze of glory like he always wanted, and what we got was... a nail. I hated that there weren't any pictures of Cas and Jack in Sam's house. I hated that we didn't see Eileen, who I loved so much and I think she was so important not only as a badass huntress and Sam's love interest, but also as a representation for disabled people. she was honestly the first deaf character I've seen in a show (that I can remember) and I thought it was so great that she was there and they just... didn't even mention her? fuck this. they could've at least hinted that Sam ended up with her, idk mentioned her name, something, it's so unfair. I also hated that Dean was just driving around, doing nothing, waiting for Sam. I'm just... ugh

and I hated that it ended how it started, despite 15 years of history and development. it stopped being a show about just two brothers long time ago. and I'm so bitter about it.

and I hated Misha not being there, did I mention that? like, even just his voice or whatever, like in 15x19. he was such a huge part of the show and it did him so dirty. and I realized that Cas never even heard an "I love you" from anyone even platonically and it breaks my heart.

and maybe I didn't have high hopes for destiel, but I was still kinda disappointed about it. honestly, if they could either give us some acknowledgment of the confession from Dean, or shown Cas, that would be great. one of the two would be fucking great. even if there wasn't anything romantic, not even a hint, I would love to just see Cas as Dean's best friend. that would be honestly enough for me (there is a lot of fic writers in this fandom who write amazing fix it fics and I love you all very much and thank you for all the fics about every episode, and especially this one)

(I also hated the stupid case about stupid fucking vampires and the chick I don't even remember from season 1 but the post got long enough lol)

but despite all that, I still love the show and I really don't get people hating on it now. I get hating the episode. but the show is fucking great, at least for me, because I genuinely enjoy watching it and it provides distraction and entertainment and so much more that I can't even think how to articulate because it's late and I started crying writing this lol

honestly, all I need from a show is to be entertaining and fun to watch and to be a temporary distraction from reality and I'm good. that's my criteria of a good show, I'm just an ordinary person who genuinely enjoys and loves a show and while I get the hate on the episode, I don't get the hate on the show overall? like, I get all the jokes and I laugh at them too and I reblog all that stuff too, but I just can't hate it

hating the ending and loving the show are not mutually exclusive

of course everyone is entitled to an opinion so whatever

but I personally love the show and I'm not embarrassed about it

I will keep writing and reading fanfics and loving the show and I'm really sad it ended, because it was something to look forward to

(I started writing another full fucking paragraph and halfway I lost my point because I'm so tired right now lol)

love y'all, spn family ❤️

(I genuinely cried writing the first half of it, wow I'm not okay)

I don't know what the point of this post is, but I guess I love the show and I'm grateful I watched it and that I started it and caught up while it was still airing and could be here for the end, not matter how bad it was

I will forever be bitter about the ending, but I will also forever love this show

goodnight ❤️

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thekingsparty · 4 years

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&. 𝐄𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓 𝐏𝐄𝐎𝐏𝐋𝐄 𝐈’𝐃 𝐋𝐈𝐊𝐄 𝐓𝐎 𝐊𝐍𝐎𝐖 𝐁𝐄𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑 !!

𝟎𝟏 . ALIAS / NAME : : melli on tumblr mostly, online elsewhere it’s usually ash or kings

𝟎𝟐 . BIRTHDAY: : november 24th

𝟎𝟑 . ZODIAC SIGN: : sagittarius

𝟎𝟒 . HEIGHT : : ehhhh 5′7.5 (almost as tol or smol as mark/crowley heheheh)

𝟎𝟓 . HOBBIES: : gaming, writing, music, tv & movies and teaching myself languages, reading if i find the time..

𝟎𝟔 . FAVOURITE COLOUR : : red & black (crowley’s colors hehe)

𝟎𝟕 . FAVOURITE BOOK : : mmmmmhhh battle royale by takami koushun is still one of my forever favs

𝟎𝟖 . LAST SONG : : mnnnnnnhhh mark forster’s übermorgen (fckn radio is torturing me with his german pronunciation lolol) but i count happier by bastille as my last >_> mtv was running and i had my back to it and heard the voice and knew immediately ahh. the video hit far too close to home oof. don’t watch tbh, it’s sad

𝟎𝟗 . LAST FILM / SHOW: : ok last movie was actually a german one, a v rare occurence, “dieses bescheuerte herz” (this crazy(as in crazy dumb) heart is an ok translation) with elyas m’barek, which is the only reason we gave it a chance and it didn’t disappoint. he is one of the very few german actors who know what they’re doing <3 / show was and still is fear the walking dead, we didn’t watch for a while and have been catching up

𝟏𝟎 . INSPIRATION: : music, watching dumb horror movies bc i end up thinking about crowley (or my other babies) in those lol, obviously also spn kind of.

𝟏𝟏 . STORY BEHIND URL: : it goes way way back to my first v noob-y attempt at setting up a tumblr blog .. when all i knew was a personal blog lol. i got attached to the url because it was before everybody had super fancy urls for blogs and it was just me trying to do something i’d never done before lol, i’m also definitely not creative in the url-sense, a little more nowadays but yes. ancient but loved i’ve stuck with it. i can change themes and stuff, but i hardly ever change urls for muses, they belong together once it clicks once.

tagged by: no one, i stole it from @voices-ringing-out

tagging: @gaydemonwolf, @scarred-up-angel, @kemuele, @waywardfreckled & @waywardfeathered, @awaywardboy-andhisangel, @fracturedsword, @maternephilim, @materinluctum, @oneofusdies & everybody whom i forgot bc i’m impatient and wanna start on replies lol.

#тrapped ιn тнe ĸιng'ѕ мeaтѕυιт ( тнe мυn \ ooc )#out of collars ( ooc )#im aware it's 8 ppl but #i don't follow ruuuules #we king

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