#but then when i got the covid vaccine it made me SEVERELY ill and i never could get better | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

geeky-politics-46 · 1 year

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COVID Cuddles

Pairing: Doctor Stephen Strange x Reader

Summary: It finally got you! You are sick with COVID-19 and missing Stephen's cuddles

Warnings: reader has COVID, pandemic references, slight angst with fluffy happy ending, language

This fic is totally self-indulgent as i am sick with COVID right now & my Doctor Strange teddy bear is one of the things keeping me company. So I made it into a story. Probably lots of errors as I'm sick & drugged

"How are you feeling, sweetheart?"

You looked up at him in the doorway, masked fave peeking through, from where you sat on the bathroom floor. Tissues shoved up both nostrils as you waited for the bathroom to fill with steam from the shower before you tossed a Vicks vapor shower bomb under the water. Hoping that it would make it easier to breathe. Or at least make it sound like you didn't smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day.

You had made it 3 years without getting COVID-19, but finally it got you. Despite the 2 original vaccines and 2 boosters. Your number eventually came up. You knew it would eventually. You just hoped the vaccines would make the illness shorter still.

"Well, I feel like I swallowed broken bits of light bulb, and I had a coughing fit so bad earlier I nearly puked. So I'm fucking fabulous."

They never mentioned a side effect of COVID was that it made you mean. Of course, maybe that was just you. You knew with your asthma you had to throw everything at this now just in case. So that was what you were doing. Currently waiting for your 6 hours between NyQuil shots with an ibuprofen chaser to elapse so you could top yourself up and get a good 3 hour nap before starting the waiting process all over again.

It made matters even worse that the moment you tested positive you basically became a leper. Stephen, Wong, and America banished you to the bedroom and adjoining bathroom. Wong even put up a quarantine spell that would alert them if you tried to leave the room.

You understood why. The Sorcerer Supreme and one of the Avengers getting severely ill probably wouldn't be a good thing. Much too tempting for the forces of evil. No one really knew if America could get COVID, having traveled the multiverse she probably had antibodies to things that didn't even exist in your world, but it was better safe than sorry.

Still though, a cuddle sounded really good right about now, and that was one thing Stephen couldn't give you. At least not until you were no longer contagious. You still had a couple days to go before that was even a possibility.

He was doing his absolute best to give you anything he thought you might need. Leaving trays and bags of food and medicine. Occasionally throwing in some candy or a random little treat he thought would cheer you up. He was trying so hard. Especially when you knew he wasn't exactly known for his bedside manner as a Doctor.

You hated snapping at him. You just felt genuinely terrible, and you knew that you just had to ride it out. For the most part, by yourself. It almost felt worse when he would check on you, knowing that you couldn't go hug him or even hold his hand without exposing him even more than you already had.

"I know you are miserable right now, and I know I don't have to keep bringing you all sorts of stuff beyond food and drugs. However, America showed me something that we both decided you needed. It's a friend to keep you company."

He reached inside and set down a large plain white paper gift bag. Stepping back and closing the door so you could move to get the bag, taking it back to your spot by the tub before looking in the bag.

As you peeked in the bag, you were immediately about to burst into tears. Inside was a fairly large brown teddy bear. What made it special though was that it was styled to look like Stephen.

It had blue eyes and a very dark brown goatee on its face. That alone was enough to make you giggle. The fact that it was wearing a version of Stephen's blue sorcerer's robes and it's own little Cloak Of Levitation attached to it's shoulders with velcro was just icing on the cake.

It was perfect. Soft and perfect size to snuggle while still being well formed enough that stayed looking like Stephen. Just Stephen in teddy bear form.

"Stephen, it's perfect! I love him so much! This is exactly what I needed. Thank you"

He peeked back through the door to see you already snuggling the bear tight to your chest. Happy tears on your cheeks and for the first time in days a smile on your face.

You couldn't see it behind his mask, but he was smiling too. So relieved that he could make you feel better even for just a little but. He figured you missed cuddling. He knew that he missed it. He had stolen one of your sweatshirts to snuggle, so he thought it was perfect when America showed him the bear.

Now once you were better, he might have a problem with the bear if he was there for you to cuddle instead. He would deal with that when the time came though. For now, he would share you.

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Stephen Strange Taglist: @starkiller-queen @glitterylokislut @verycollectivecreator @chatampr @maskmare931 @lovecleastrange @wheredafandomat @mkixx @evelynrosestuff @katefullerrr @littlepinknightmare @foofarny @stygianoir @moonroyalt @saturnsbabe69 @blaxdet @blackrose-92 @ironstrange1991 @rindulacre @nancy-thompsons @wolfatheartandsoul @dangerouslittlefairy @n0obmaster-69 @oliveoilthoughts @onebatch--twobatch @yourmajesty13 @blondekel77 @lil-sweater-slut @gwephen @taramaria @sinceimetyou @slashersrus @coeurgrenaty @cc13723things @just--a-magpie @supervengerslock @strangelockd @dont-feel-so-good-peter @kingsmanperfecthartwin @ghost-lantern @inlovewithloki16 @thefalconandthewinterwidowshield @itssmaugtheterrible @katherinemaximoff @veryfancydoilies @cute-angi @mochacake2016 @prix19 @alexfanficnook @anotheroddfish @mando-is-the-way @xourownsidee @baes-x @dreamingsmile @negar77rd @imaginesfreetotake @ppatricia34me @rougepetale @tis-vereon @divinearchangel @sherlux @hiddlechive @ginnykate @thatesqcrush @friendofplenti @yuugenmomo @holdmyowos @the-royal-petals @lokislov3 @captaincarmel164 @lucimorningst4r @mydearalmira @petalcranberry @singhfae @emotionsareforuglypeople @trappedinlimbo15 @veryladyqueen @icytrickster17 @kentucky-criedfricken @briefhandsstudenttoad @calamityismyspecialty @sinisterstrange616 @patbrdac @trojanaurora @azu21 @massivehahaao3tree @strangesgirl

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hellyeahsickaf · 4 months

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Mad thinking about the family member that knows I'm chronically ill and have a compromised immune system but didn't want to take a covid test or see a doctor because they didn't want to accept a covid diagnosis which resulted in me becoming very ill back in like September and October?

Multiple times I told them they probably had covid and needed to see a doctor and they got defensive like "why do you want me to have covid so bad?!" Like what are you on about it's also about your health and wanting you to no longer have it if you do? For several weeks it was a back and forth where they were disgustingly ill and refused to get it checked out. Insisted on NyQuil and essential oils. I told them it's people like them out there killing people like me. And they have an immunocompromised boss and coworker? Their coworker was told by her doctor that she won't likely survive getting vaccinated with how severe her lupus is and it's a fucking miracle their stupidity didn't kill her

Told them they'll end up worse the longer they take to get treated with antivirals. Then when they didn't get better and then I got sick and they were just "wah I'm scared what do I do?" And I again was like "go to the fucking doctor???" And finally their stubborn ass did

I was pissed because I did everything right, I masked and cleaned fucking doorknobs and shit before I used them half the time but all it takes is using the same light switch or breathing the same air. Even worse was that they got another family member sick so staying well was that much harder for me. And the worst part was the audacity they had to blame the one family member that didn't get sick because they take public transit. But unlike them they don't go to gatherings and always wear a mask (2 or even 3 actually) and keeping me and others around them alive is one of the reasons why. The sick family member's explanation was that it was spread to me not by them being sick but via touch or clothing when the family member they scapegoated came home which is highly unlikely with the fact that they masked at all times, wash their hands, distanced a lot and even still mask in the house. I've never met someone more careful about it

They never gave me a reason as to why they took so long to see a doctor or why they were still stubborn when I said "please wear a mask and get tested I don't want to die because you're more scared of being told you have covid than killing the people you love with it". That would snap me out of my bullshit- hell even if it wasn't someone I cared about, even if I really disliked them honestly I'd still do the right thing? People are so fucking stupid dude you don't do that to someone you love. It made me worse in ways I haven't gotten better from, including perpetual postnasal drip and congestion but more importantly a fuckton of fatigue.

#also they're been showing signs of long covid/cfs since then but push themselves which won't end well #chronic pain #chronic illness #disability #fibromyalgia #cfs #chronic fаtiguе ѕуndrоmе #actually disabled #spoonie #me/cfs #cfs/me #cpunk #cripple punk #long covid #covid 19 #venty but i feel like that Arthur meme with the fist

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madamemachikonew · 1 year

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More thoughts on Baizhu's story quest #4 - the poison is the cure

My other Baizhu story quest thoughts:

1 - Changsheng the Corruptor

2 - Baizhu's Lack of Self

3 - The Adepti

↓ ↓ Story quest spoilers below↓ ↓

I thought some of you might be interested in the perspective of A Sick Person (which of course is only my own - I don't speak for all...).

One of the things that really resonated with me was the age-old pharmacological principle that potentially anything is poison in the wrong quantity. But equally, some things which are technically toxic can in fact bring you a cure.

It is a principle with which I am intimately familiar. And Jialiang's dilemma was very easy for me to understand and empathise with. I have been going through cycles of chemotherapy to stabilise my multiple sclerosis. I played Baizhu's quest while recovering from being infused with highly toxic drugs normally used for leukaemia patients. They help MS by killing my immune cells en masse in the hope that they will repopulate as healthy cells instead of faulty ones that attack my brain and spine. However, the treatment was not an easy one to choose. The list of side effects is long and terrifying, not just immediate side effects during the infusion period itself, but long lasting ones; I am at risk of acquiring a whole plethora of new, additional and incurable health conditions. I had to do a balancing exercise when choosing my treatment. Was I prepared to trade my thyroid for a few more years of getting to use my hands and legs and being able to live independently? If not, I'd have to opt for one of the less effective treatments.

I'm getting to how this relates to Baizhu, I promise.

I don't even know if the gamble will pay off. While I have high hopes it will succeed, and has stabilised things so far, it is not guaranteed. This treatment is not 100% effective and fails for many people, even after a few years of their symptoms having been stabilised. And similarly, a day may come several years in the future when it is time for me to pay the piper and hand over an organ or two; thyroidectomies are extremely common. I'll also be immunocompromised for around a year or so, which comes with its own risks.

I don't raise any of this for sympathy - it simply got me thinking about the green man, in that we've both made a similar decision and almost embrace the opportunity to poison ourselves as a strange sort of gift (fun fact: the German word for poison is 'gift').

In a perverse way, I understand Baizhu's choice under the contract. For me, destroying my body is literally what will give me a second chance at life. Baizhu too chooses to barter away and destroy parts of his body and acquire new illnesses for what he classifies as a greater overall benefit - except in his case it's scientific discovery and the altruistic potential to save more lives rather than improving or maintaining his own quality of life. He has a weird solidarity with his patients in this regard; while he's confident he will succeed in his endeavour to achieve immortality, it is not guaranteed, and may one day bring a devil's price with it. What sets him apart, however, is that - unlike his patients - his choice is voluntary. It is the voluntary aspect that breaks my mind a little bit. I genuinely needed this treatment and even I was hesitant. Jialiang's choice was no choice at all. He wanted to cling to as many good days as possible, because the alternative was death. Yet Baizhu just takes on the mantle without any reservation. This feeds back in to how he conceives his sense of self. Such acts run so contrary to natural instinct that it takes great fortitude of spirit and intellect to overcome our hard-wired self-preservation mechanism. His sacrifice is ironically the greatest assertion of self. One of my friends is a long-standing blood and bone marrow donor. He was also a volunteer for the covid vaccination trials. Some people are just like that.

I had to consider which illnesses I was prepared to accept in the future as a consequence of my treatment, which made me wonder whether Baizhu has a line that he draws in terms of which illnesses or toxins he's prepared to absorb. I would like to understand how he calculates risk -v- reward. Presumably he does not take on anything that will be terminal. Nothing that can't be managed or put into remission through medication (or is at least tolerable and non-fatal without it). Nothing that would wreck his immune system too much. Nothing neurologically degenerative that would cause his intellect or limbs to irreparably deteriorate or fail, as that would impair his ability to conduct research. I imagine he'd also have to consider potential interactions, given the cocktail of medications he is on - some remedies will undermine others and he may have to abstain or moderate them. And some remedies will cause additional side effects or health conditions in their own right after prolonged use.

My treatment also made me wonder how much toxicity Baizhu himself potentially leeches out to the people around him. My chemo drug literally seeps out of my pores, salivary glands, tear ducts and so on for a week or two. I have to use a separate toilet/bathroom and any clothes or bedsheets have to be washed separately. I can't be intimate with anyone for a while because my bodily fluids are literally toxic. It made me wonder if Baizhu avoids intimate emotional or physical attachments not just because of the emotional damage to someone who'd fall in love with him and because he will always put his duties as a healer first (I think he'd care less about his own pain of foregoing a chance at love given his sacrificial nature), but because he might be physically toxic to be intimate with on account of the poisons, illnesses and medications he had in his system. He jokes with Traveller in his voicelines that he can test strong concoctions on them. But I think he's deflecting here; presumably he will take a liberty to dose himself more strongly than he might a patient if there is a potential research benefit behind it, such as learning how to dose properly and potential side effects. Or simply, to manage his condition with a harsher regime because he knows he's prepared to tolerate it.

#baizhu #genshin baizhu #genshin impact baizhu #baizhu story quest #baizhu thoughts #degenerative illness

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vizthedatum · 5 months

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Masking is a valid public health precaution, but it is hard for me emotionally. I will be masking more in public though.

As someone with an epidemiology background, this is so painful for me to admit:

I am heavily emotional about masking due to the relationship I had with my ex-spouse, who (to my knowledge) was more able-bodied and immuno-NOT-compromised.

If infection rates are low, masking is not required, and I believe I'm in a group of mostly vaccinated individuals, I will not mask.

I will also not morally judge anyone for having having any sort of infection. I understand that this is a controversial take to my fellow disabled friends and colleagues - but many of them also abide by these guidelines. Even though I've been unmasked on many occasions this year, I have still abided by reasonable and respectful masking (and isolating) policies that MANY of my immunocompromised friends abide by. I am not being completely reckless, and I must keep reminding myself of that.

However, reported rates of respiratory infections are currently up in my area (not just COVID-19 but flu, RSV, and colds). And my place of employment is returning to full-time masking on the 20th.

I will, of course, comply, and intellectually, I also have no qualms about masking more in public spaces apart from my workplace. I am ready and stocked up on masks!!!

Masks are just another reminder of the unfair, emotionally abusive, and, frankly, ill-informed (and scientifically unsound) ways my ex-spouse enforced control over me. The measures we were taking were more extreme than those of my friends who were severely immunocompromised - it was frankly offensive, and people thought we were very, very ill. And yeah, I did get COVID-19 for both of us (as far as I'm aware, I'm the one who got infected and transmitted it even though I have my suspicions that there could have been other ways we got it) - and I was penalized for it. I am not regretful of my actions that led me to get infected. Also - they would not have gotten it from me if they hadn't told me that isolating from them (when I took those risks) was causing them to be suicidal. They never even tested if they had it when I tested positive. We both had the privilege to access (and receive) medical care - we never had symptoms that progressed beyond that of a mild flu/cold. And they made it seem like I was going to kill people with my behavior (I made sure to not be in contact with anyone else during my infection). It was mind-fuck after mind-fuck, and I have every right to be angry about it all.

It was never really about the masks or risk - it was limitation upon limitation on my behavior that impacted my emotional and physical health... and caused me to isolate from my loved ones (who were also practicing safe-covid practices). I had to justify so much (even before I publicly became poly! Honestly, polyamory during our relationship actually got me, with permission (ugh), to get out of the house more, enabling me to get a better grip on my mental health). And... I get that it's part of their own mental health shit, but it wasn't right to do all of that to me.

#masking #epidemiology #public health measure #i'm disabled and chronically ill #i am a proponent of masking #it's just complicated due to abuse #sigh #healing #trauma #neurodivergence #prose #thoughts #i will mask #cw abuse #abuse #control #emotional abuse #sui mention #tw sui mention

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jenroses · 2 years

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In the past 30 days: I came down with covid and the flu simultaneously Devoting all my executive function to taking covid/flu meds religiously on time led me to be late on my ongoing antiviral once, by 6 hours, so I had a brief flare of both shingles AND cold sores. They calmed back down once i got back on track. And now I have a bladder infection.

You would think, with my history (rheumatoid arthritis and resulting immune suppression and steroid-induced diabetes, asthma, obesity, physical and mental health issues, EDS, fibro, clotting disorders, etc.) that coming down with four viruses and a bacteria in this period of time would be horrible.

But you know what? Modern medicine is a good thing. Antivirals are a good thing. Antibiotics are amazing. I took ONE dose of the antibiotic and my symptoms for the UTI are already loads better. I got over the flu in THREE FUCKING DAYS. The flu used to take me out for 2 weeks, sometimes 3 if I got a secondary infection, and that was when I wasn't on immune suppressants. Tamiflu plus elderberry, taken soon after symptoms start, work like magic. Covid was minor. Yes, I know it's minor for a lot of people but with my risk factors? And getting it with the flu? I took an anti-covid antiviral, and of course was already taking elderberry for the flu. I have a few minor lingering issues but they're basically issues I already have, just kicked from a 6 to a 6.5, ish. Like I used to hate black pepper and then I learned to tolerate it and now I can't tolerate it again. That kind of thing. Sensory stuff is more brittle than it was, suboptimal pants are not an option. But seriously, shingles used to be a mandatory 6 week excruciating ordeal. I noticed the tingle-itch-prickle in that nerve, took my not-today-satan pills (famcyclovir) and it never really managed to get going. Cold sore was a specific prickle and a single small bump, never even scabbed. My kid was diagnosed with both flu and strep today, and he's not very sick either, and I don't even have to get swabbed for strep because the UTI drug will also treat strep. (Cefdinir)

I caught Covid 2 weeks after the bivalent shot, went off my immune suppressing drug, and kicked it to the curb with the help of targeted meds and a little herbal knowledge. I've been miserable for days with this UTI and finally got the executive function to get us to the doctor and boom, better.

I am begging you. If you get sick, and you know you're sick, if you can, get tested quickly and treated quickly. Tamiflu is supposed to cut hours off the flu, but in my experience combined with elderberry, it has taken a 14 day illness and turned it into a 3 day illness, several times now. I've never had a flu shot. (I don't object to them in principle, but my body can have garbage reactions to immune provocation and by the time Covid happened the tamiflu/elderberry=3 days sick thing made the flu shot moot for me. The math on Covid works out well in favor of the covid shot.)

There's no benefit in suffering. Especially with Covid and the flu, which mutate constantly and can bork your immune system permanently (see: triggers for autoimmunity. I have 6 autoimmune conditions, fun times.) Covid, especially, can target the cells which remember Covid. Kick it to the curb, kick it hard, kick it fast, use the tools we have.

I didn't even catch bronchitis from all this, and I ALWAYS used to catch bronchitis. because CPAP.

FWIW elderberry also helps the immune system clear out post-vaccine yuck faster. Without, I had inflammatory flares for a month. A dose ended that cycle. Next immunizations I took elderberry sooner and didn't have anywhere near as bad a time. (It is not "just" an "immune booster", it specifically promotes the production/function of tumor necrosis factor and this makes it specifically good for things like influenza.) My reaction to the bivalent shot was a sore arm for a day and then a couple days of local pain. A minor RA flare, short lived, not severe.

Anyway. Wear a mask. Get your shots. If you get sick, have them swab you for both flu and covid, not just one or the other, and strep too, if you're getting a sore throat, because we are past the days of one or the other. Get the antivirals and take as directed. Hydrate. Rest, and rest an extra day on top of it, more if you can, to give your body a chance to really kick it all the way. Use the tools available to you.

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russilton · 3 months

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Sometimes with the vaccine stuff you just can’t convince some people to get vaccinated, my moms best friend is anti-vax (corrupted by facebook) and my mom has tried to convince her to get vaccinated so many times and she just refuses. I don’t blame jenson for his wife being unvaccinated(as long as he is) sometimes the people you love are idiots and there’s nothing you can do.

I’m aware how easily fear mongering and internal bigotry can twist even the most well meaning people into ones we don’t recognise, my own mother has made more than a few genuinely shitty comments about vaccines and chemicals being a possible cause for my autism since I got diagnosed, because it absolves her internal guilt about it. But it’s also been on me to shut that shit down each time. Not every situation will be that simple, I know.

It’s not always a yes or no solution, sometimes you can work on and convince someone over a period of time. Sometimes you may be in a housing situation where arguing puts you at risk and it’s completely understandable to avoid it then. But vaccines aren’t a simple thing to muse over like the right age to talk to kids about death or how much screen time they should get. Not getting vaccinated kills people.

It could kill you, because vaccines aren’t developed for just any illnesses, they’re developed for the ones that have the potential to kill. But you also risk hundreds of thousands of disabled people around you who need herd immunity to be able to integrate into regular society. You owe it to them to not flex on these issues.

Disabled people tend to befriend other disabled people, and while not as severely as others, I was immunocompromised enough to receive vaccines at the same time as most 70-60 year olds during COVID. I have friends who would be at severe risk if they got covid, of death or further debilitating illness. We had to spend the height of covid shut away inside worried that a trip to the store could kill us, I still worry about potential catching it again while many people got their last shot over a year ago and moved on.

But there are thousands of adults and even more pressingly, children who deserve to be able to go out in public and enjoy the world with a general hope they will be safe with herd immunity. Kids with cancer or auto immune diseases that have to miss out on social development because some adults take a look at the incredibly low risk of vaccines, and decide that it’s simply too much for them to bother, when they take bigger risks with cars, or in the case of Jensons wife, cosmetic procedures, because they view the benefits as more valuable. “But I can’t get around without my car it’s worth the risk” disabled children can’t get around without you being vaccinated

Jensons wife isn’t just his friend he hangs with, he’s raising children with her. He’s the one that has to have these hard discussions. And maybe he has, maybe he’s convinced her to get all their kids vaccinated and she’s the only hold out. I did my due fact checking diligence before I posted the other ask and he did seem to be quite vocally supportive of vaccines in 2021 because “he wanted to go back to normal” and that is commendable of him. I do not know the nuances of their homelife situation, and that’s why I still cautiously support him distantly while scrutinising his opinions fairly heavily. He is a person of influence, there are people who look to him for how they form their own opinions and standards. I don’t know you but it’s likely your mom’s opinion on her friend isn’t being seen by thousands.

These kinds of disagreements show who a person is. I would be horrified if my partner thought this way (she doesnt) and i certainly wouldnt want to have kids with someone willing to put other children at risk like that. my partner and I disagree on things like if the five second rule is true (it is) and if big bird is a puppet (this argument genuinely ended in tears), but we agree firmly on bigger issues and I wouldn’t change that. Some people get very comfortable with having friends who do shitty things because “not my monkeys not my circus” but if those monkeys are climbing into the stands and punching kids, you should probably step in and talk to your friends or at least make it clear you don’t support them. This is how we can affect change on a small scale.

This is a lot of mixed metaphors for 8 am I’ve had a very long week, but you get my point. It might not always be something you completely divorce a friend (or wife) over, but it’s also not something to throw your hands up and be apathetic about, that’s an energy I hold the people I support to because I want us to live in a world where we care about these kinds of things.

#asks #anonymous #tw: vaccine debate

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13-nastin-13 · 2 years

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Okay, it’s been literally almost a whole ass YEAR since I last posted anything on my tumblr, but luckily I’m going back!!!

But before I do it, I need to write down a VERY emotional wall of words, there will be also, once again, some V E R Y important news, bad and good, you’ve been warned.

During all this time while you were waiting for new stuff here, some strange and even horrifying things happened, I have no idea how the heck did I survive all this and the goddamn 2021 has finally let me go and I can start posting at least some content in the new year.

I have absolutely mixed feelings and thoughts on 2021 as it had the potential to be a very therapeutic year until october, but then OCTOBER happened and everything went to shit leading to an unbearably long art block. But, you know, I started writing this post at the beginning of 2022 and, s o f t l y speaking, current year is a total f*king mess which is not anyhow better than the previous year, except for this is totally not the right blog to discuss it (I believe my drawings do it better than my text posts anyways), after all this art acc mostly dedicated to pure escapism, so.. let me explain everything in order, from the very beginning.

Here’s a cool story for ya:

Over the previous year, I also managed to somehow imperceptibly get sick with covid, so I could not be vaccinated for another six months. And imagine the giant resentment of mine when I again fell ill with covid in January of this year (this time, in a severe form), and then I recovered circa in March. At the same time, right before I got sick, a lot of ideas for new art came to my mind at once, and even when I finally got better I STILL felt like a 400 year old omelette >:((((

But, as it turned out, this is definitely not the worst thing that could ever happen hahaha

Unfortunately, the art summary turned out weird and incomplete (I'm not even afraid to say that even in 2016 it wasn't that bad lol). I think it's obvious that 2021 was more dedicated to recovering from a horrible trauma (which I spoke about in another huge text post before), rather than making art. And about current year, I could say, basically, the same thing, but this is not exactly what it is... And I could recover earlier and even make inspiring posts already in November 2021 about how "I aLmOst sUcCeSsFuLLy OvErCaMe DePrEsSiOn", if not another death in October, which made all my fears, ptsd, anxiety and other most tough mental problems of mine float to the surface of my consciousness again, and my condition, once on the mend, worsened several times compared to the beginning of the year AGAIN.

I remember how I was consumed by guilt and even the craziest thoughts about being, in fact, damned? Yes, yes, it sounds ridiculous, but it really seemed to me as if enyone who had ever shown affection and sincere love for me are automatically doomed to inevitable death.

Alas, sometimes I still get such strange thoughts, as if I am climbing to the cherished hope for the best again and again, and some incomprehensible shitty force pushes me back to the bottom of a dark abyss and laughs at me, trying to convince me that "it will never be like in 2018 anymore", that I will never make it.

However, it all affected me in such a strange way and made me realize that this loud, distorted laughter in my ears made me grow pretty much tired of it, but let’s talk about it later LATER in this post ahaha...

Gonna sound extremely banal right after more serious text above, yet still another very UNpleasant thing for some followers of my little bloggo, this time from 2022, It’s my instagram acc being totally blocked. Yes, yes, and the reason of it is extraordinary stupid, well SOOO so darn astronomically stupid on all material and immaterial levels of different stupid realities to the core that I feel stupid to even tell you guys... As soon as the developers came up with that stupid update featuring sorta trash like "set the birthday, even if the acc is for a cat, we will then customize everything for you by your age", for some reason I thought that you can set any age, even a cat's, completely forgetting that, in fact, there’s a law which says that no one should use social media under 13. Although I remember it as 12. Fuck guys, my paranoid ace ass just didn't want an abundance of s3xual content in my feed, because who the hell knows what tf does it even mean "by age" like why not by something else w h y- 🤡🤡🤡 *sigh* I will of course start a new account, if anything... But losing memories from the old one made me feel down a bit, since memory and time, the past in general, as you can guess judging by my art, plays a significant role for me. And with that, thank God, the bad news end for now!

For a long time I’ve been immersed in brutally deep prostration, all my possible and even impossible psychological issues flared up with a blue flame. And after so much time since I made the last post in October of the previous year, everything has come to the point that I have turned into some kind of completely different person. On one hand, this type of thing happens to me every year and it’s time to get used to it, but what I’m trying to say is that a certain mental cup (???) overflowed so much that everything in my head just simply dropped back to zero and turned completely upside down and somehow simply started to follow its own rules, independent from everything that happens in reality, purely detached.

And you know WHAT?

To this day, for the first time in several years, I felt the echoes of THAT VERY freedom, which I lacked so much! Suddenly there was some light, some hope, despite the incredibly brutal and dark cage of this flat world.

I don't care what cociety's reaction will be to anything I’ll say or do and I'm not afraid of anything anymore. I don’t know if I’ve gone completely crazy or, on the contrary, this is a long-awaited remission, but I don’t care so much anymore, so I will just run with sincerest enthusiasm into this light and just continue to watch what's the rest in 2022 for me. One way or another, if every year is so bad and you never know when will it change to good (maybe never at all), then why not send everything in the world to hell and do things that bring at least a little of joy to yourself and others? I think I've been strong for too long, it seems like it's time to get even stronger now...

Well, after a several awkward attempts to end this text wall on a more "positive" note, why not revisit some really sweet moments of 2021? For example, my crazy artistic search for my identity in March, when I locked myself away from everyone in a room for a month, embracing creepy movies, flowers and immersing myself in various 17th century art, or when me and some frenchman my close friend (WHO REALLY NEEDS TO DROP DA ALBUM ALREADY YEAH I’M TALKING TO YOU JULES) were sitting at home in a May thunderstorm, recording some silly careless stuff with sleepy rainy weather and misty green trees outside the window yessss. Or when we watched that old movie from your computer in July, because my internet connection said “no ❤️» :((((( And, well, the most epic stuff a.k.a my birthday, when we went to the park with another very close bro of mine, ate there some giant crumbling burgers with tiny glasses of milk, which they call "milkshake" and then wandered around the gardens of Peterhof palace just to get lost there until it was very late at night and then we got out of there god knows when ha ha. Seems like nothing really grandiose, but God I felt so good and peaceful at such moments and I am very grateful to my friends who were next to me back then 🥺

In terms of good news for 2022, I have a lot of creative work to do at the moment and hope to feed u guys this month with one big epicc thing that my friend and I have been working on tirelessly for a little longer than expected, but it WILL come out one day and this fact brings us a lot of joy to be honest! And I also would like to record something like rants for my YouTube channel, since even posts like this one are not enough for me, because I’m still that one Hamlet, yeah.

For the goals for the rest of the year, I only want to finish that cool project and also create on my blog and in my life in general, an era full of everything new! So far, sounds like something impossible, after all what happened lol. But, by the way, I graduated in my school this year, all the exams are over, so why not?

Aaand, from now on, I announce the renaissance of the blog and, in short, let's celebrate guys, happy new year on october 9th everyone! 😭🎉

Thank you so SO MUCH who read this post to the very end, because there is nothing more important for me than knowing that someone cares :"0 This gives me a feeling of some kind of unity or family, or something... And now it's time for new adventures!! We will all definitely survive and make it.

And, finally, some of my favorite pictures from 2021 in order to boost the cozy vibes..

Lots of hugs for y’all ❤️

#results of 2021 #big post #Nastin talks

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scentedchildnacho · 6 months

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So I just find it so dangerous here I only pay attention to the trail as directed so personal injury attorneys show the judge clear intent to murder stalking as sport and humor neo Nazis

She asked me where that couple stays so I said I didn't know their really unfriendly and I don't like their group....I have been homeless a really long time and they still talk really harsh and loud and I can't tolerate lack of sympathy anymore she wasn't native it wasn't exactly what I want she isn't nice and quiet

The blond lady by the security tent at first I thought she was like my friend in Tucson who was stabbed in the lower leg and had a broken rib so I was like whatever her physical condition is really aggravated so she is bitchy here whatever but after a few more encounters she gives me nazish vibes I just don't like her in some way like she is a thief or something

Someone tried to arrest a black lady for the same program but the black lady was being more flamboyant and active and ecstatic so she got removed and now she is there all the time and something about that aggravates me at her till I leave them alone mostly

She asked me if there are lockers for the homeless so I told her I have never seen a fair deal homelessness where systems function with some sanitary privacy and rule correctness....

Alice Hoffman about the snitch....to me having old used pillows from a counter culture and blankets is not illegal labor in the jail

I was suppose to be wool and the jail did that and uhaul would sell it after doing that to people

Independence would be made in America jobs and they wouldn't give us decent emergency blankets and a job to make our own....

The vehicular slaughter attempts were so bad in la Jolla I was about to voluntarily go work in the jail but my Indian teachers were like British colonial tactics only appear permanent and it is surprising when a lot of it does just have to go away.....

Giving us lockers would obey security and job searches and the government can make money off emissions as tradeable revenue and sell our body organs so

That would be legal....when

The government is very ill legal so....

Kamela Harris ass heels and let's people shoot her up with a vaccine she is an ill person the vaccine gave her COVID and now we don't do anything right for her to care if we will all die of car bombs

Homelessness is all an unfair illegal labor skam it use to pay several grand a week to be drug studied on but it's deathly to be immoral and so it's im someone's psychological object and I don't make that more pleasant then it is

It's a possession skam truth is a retirement modesty and a cell phone is all you need for a psychological condition and most food service to medical care is way over staffed with desperates and it's parasitic....

I was accused till Halloween of causing the over population in male serial killers and truth is if the ass stops coming around most males finally leave the area some peace and rest.....it is the excessive prostitution jobs that causes the serial killers....their homicidal and their not allowed very stimulating sex areas .....they stop having feelings

Homosexuality is still neo modern and colonial studies it's not really feelings though....

The city does it not the metropolises.....it is riotous....they go steal everyone's sanitation and jobs with battalions for their duke district and try to call the governance criminals.....so it's mostly cop cities that weirdo and try to kill us.....

It's all very subjective the cops are just that eighth wife dukes army that calls other people's district the land fill and goes and extremely privileges a different district to death

It's mostly the The Laws or Ronnie Estes like copy cat serial killers

Migrants displaced etc ...we have found out we don't have to have independence as a politic though it might be more just to not to be ...

Little brother if it's government systems that isn't anymore other then objective so

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strapskinkstories · 2 years

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NOTE: The following post contains graphic medical imagry. It is NOT clinical advice. Always seek proper care from a professional Medical Doctor for any illness. This is my personal experience and record of Prevotella infection.

What is Prevotella in the first place? Many species of this bacteria exist, it's commonly found in your mouth, gut, and vagina (if you have one) in non-harmful levels. They are normally commensal (harmless bacteria) but when they overgrow and or mutate they can become hazardous and lead to wild shit like below.

A strong Prevotella infection of the throat. Cipro & Metronidazole will be used to eradicate.

It's easy for someone who's just recovered from another illness and who's just been on antibiotics to have harmless bacteria (commensal bacterium) become harmful, especially if not enough probiotics are present and gut flora is damaged by an imbalanced diet. Did you know that Prevotella infections are sometimes more commonly associated with vegan & vegetarian diets? A good reason to eat some meats in your diet but make sure they are natural and not heavily processed meats. Ultimately make sure to consult a dietician, fish is also a good meat alternative. And no matter what you do if you've got COVID-19 and then had a secondary infection, you're more susceptible to a commensal bacterium overgrowth occurring. In my case I had strep throat occur immediately after my COVID-19 in September, which took me out most of the second half of September. When I thought I was totally better I celebrated with a glass of wine at a friend's house, that's where things probably got a bit worse, as Prevotella can be modulated by the presence of wine and alcohol. With my gut microbiome in such a fragile state, it allowed an explosion of Prevotella in my throat to occur. That turned into a painful localized infection of my tonsils and throat. The Prevotella infection started simultaneously with the strep infection, which made it difficult for them to diagnose both at the same time, using a Point of Care Tableside (POCT) Strep kit is great because it's super fast and cheap, but it's nowhere near as good as doing a gram stain culture in a laboratory. When in doubt or if you feel unsure about having a POCT test done, ask your doctor for a full culture sample to be taken. This is especially true if your symptoms don't perfectly line up with strep or another POCT methodology-appropriate illness. In my case, I and the urgent care clinician felt the POCT test strip showed a weak strep positive and decided to empirically treat with Amoxicillin for strep, a decent move albeit we missed the Prevotella secondary infection by not sending a full gram stain microscopy sample. Cipro & Metronidazole are both effective against strep and should we have chosen to ignore the weak positive strip and run a full microscopy & gram stain we would have caught the infection far sooner, alas that's why it's the practice of medicine, no physician-patient team is entirely perfect, and you should always take an active role in your healthcare. It's not a one-sided relationship between doctor and patient, in a perfect doctor-patient relationship it's a highly organized team effort, the doctor leading & more knowledgeable and the patient is essentially student of the doctor. So I'm out of commission most of this month, I'll be doing my writing and things but you won't see me getting vac-packed or tied up much until late this month or early November.

How can you avoid Prevotella infection? Probiotics, a balanced diet, and avoiding getting serious illnesses like COVID-19 are a start. There's really not much a ton of science into how exactly to avoid it and there is no vaccine for it. It's common in people who have a viral infection to get Prevotella, especially if the viral infection is severe, like COVID-19. Here is a long but useful article on the situation of COVID-19, Strep, Prevotella, and other opportunistic infections.

Prevotella symptoms can vary from person to person, but keep an eye on your throat and mouth, it is often an easy indicator to look at your throat in a mirror with a flashlight, if you see red spots and it feels sore and you test negative for COVID then you should get to a doctor right away, don't wait for your primary care provider if they aren't high availability, get to an urgent care clinic. The sooner you can diagnose opportunistic infections and treat them the easier treatment is and the faster eradication can occur. If you're a female you might want to keep an eye on your genital tissue and watch for unusual discharge or appearance of your vagina. If you're female you have two Prevotella indicators, your vagina and mouth, if you're male you only have your mouth as a Prevotella indicator. Nobody can really use the third "indicator" which is the stomach, another place where Prevotella lives. Let me once again iterate that most species of Prevotella are commensal (nonharmful bacterium)

So now I've told you about Prevotella and Probiotics and why I'm out of commission for a while, now let me tell you that you should PreVote your ballot, and avoid Prevotella and other opportunistic pathogens in the process. Many states have mail voting so check with your local clerk of elections if you can mail vote, it's easier and it allows you more personal time to study the options on your ballot in your own home.

Stay healthy and avoid COVID, everyone! Get your bivalent vaccine as soon as you are eligible and your flu shot, you do not want to get COVID-19 and gamble with opportunistic infections. Sucks for me that they didn't get the bivalent boosters sooner.

Although the mass infection wave has subsided, people's celebrations, including President Biden's celebratory speech that the COVID pandemic is over, are premature. Per World Health Organization COVID-19 is still a Public Health Emergency of International Concern (PHEIC) and is still classified as a legal pandemic. People ripping their masks off and staff members in pharmacies and retail stores ditching the masks are creating unnecessary risk especially as we transition into another winter, where viruses and bacteria seem to have a special opportunity to infect people. Because Flu and COVID-19 are of the coronaviridae family both of them are able to thrive in the winter months and can wreak havoc on people and public health systems. If you're a worker in a pharmacy or any public building, put your mask back on, stop celebrating and be cautious in public. The same goes if you’re a civilian, everyone should be wearing their mask in public! Although that Christmas party with your family can now be a bit larger, maskless and if you know everyone is vaccinated and took a rapid test the day before and "negged out" you need to be extremely careful in public still. Now is NOT the time to let your guard down!

Imported from: https://strappyskinks.com/2022/10/11/oct-11-2022-prevotella-probiotics-prevote-the-elections-lots-of-vote-here-p/

#myblog #medical update

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prolifeproliberty · 2 years

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So I got the COVID...

Hey so I’m kinda late posting about this, but now it kinda works because I can make one post with all the details rather than a string of posts over time.

I finally got the COVID after Thanksgiving. I know who I got it from and a few other people in my close friend and family group got it too, including my husband. We’re all recovered now, and nobody had to be hospitalized.

I want to share a little bit about my experience, and my recommendations for anyone who gets it, even if your symptoms start out mild like mine did.

My first symptoms came on the Saturday after Thanksgiving, and it was a sore throat and a cough. I didn’t think much of it, especially since it had been cold that morning and I’d been outside. That evening my symptoms got worse and I got a fever and the “hit by a truck” achy feeling.

At this point, I thought it was the flu. WebMD symptom checker agreed - when I put my symptoms in, it consistently ranked flu and cold as more likely than coronavirus. So I treated it like the flu - medicine and rest.

My symptoms improved, my fever went down, and I thought I was better. Then, a couple days later, I started to have shortness of breath. Now we’re a week from my first symptoms, and I admitted it was probably COVID. My parents had supplements from a protocol recommended by a friend, and they brought me those along with some at home tests and an oximeter (to measure my blood oxygen levels).

(Fun fact, I tested myself with two different at home tests and got negatives both times, while my husband with the same symptoms tested positive. We’re assuming I had COVID because I had similar symptoms at the same time as other people who I was in contact with and who tested positive)

Turns out my SpO2 (blood oxygen saturation) was in the low 90s and dipping every so often below 90. If I sat up and took deep breaths it would go back up to the mid 90s, but at this point I knew I needed a little more than NyQuil. I took the supplements in the protocol, and I made a telemedicine appointment with a nurse practitioner recommended by a friend who had COVID several months ago.

The nurse practitioner prescribed me Ivermectin and Budesonide (an inhaled steroid). I got both prescriptions the next day, and it made an almost immediate difference. Within a few days my SpO2 was normal and I had no other symptoms.

It’s hard to say for sure if the ivermectin made the difference for me. I know the budesonide was crucial, and I could see the difference in real time that it made for my SpO2 levels (they’d go up within an hour of taking the treatment).

I’ve been off all medications for about a week now and I’m feeling fine. One of the other people I was in contact with had a worse experience than me and almost had to be hospitalized, but he took the same medications I did and improved very quickly once he started them.

I am unvaccinated, I’m glad I’m unvaccinated, I still don’t plan to get the vaccine, and if I could go back in time I still wouldn’t tell myself to get vaccinated. I would tell myself to take the illness more seriously from the beginning, but that’s it. There are treatments and therapeutics that work, and now I have natural immunity.

This wasn’t the worst illness I’ve ever had. That would probably be three years ago when I had a respiratory infection, strep throat, and pinkeye all at the same time. That sucked.

My case was more severe than some people’s, but definitely milder than what the media will try to tell you is the norm. I needed medications, but not the ones the media tries to tell you that you need. In fact, I had to find a locally owned pharmacy that was willing to fill my ivermectin prescription, because my normal pharmacy at my grocery store (H-E-B) wouldn’t do it.

My recommendations:

- If you’re sick, take it seriously. Even if it’s just the flu, it’s better to treat early and keep it short. At the very least get a good Vitamin D3/K2 supplement and take it whenever you feel a bit off, if not daily.

- While it’s tempting to take NyQuil and sleep through an illness, if you think it might be COVID you need to get up and walk around as much as you can. This helps keep fluid from settling in your lungs, which is what leads to the respiratory issues. Also, acetaminophen (the main ingredient) limits your body’s ability to fight inflammation, which is the big problem with COVID. If I could go back in time, I would tell myself not to take it and to use other anti-inflammatory natural remedies instead.

- If you experience any shortness of breath while sick, even if you’re not sure whether it’s COVID, talk to a provider about getting a steroid. Budesonide is what I took, and others have had success with prednisone (which can be taken as a pill, much easier than needing a nebulizer).

- You can find providers who prescribe budesonide via telemedicine appointments here. The provider I saw is on this list. Many of them also prescribe ivermectin. Interestingly, my parents (who also ended up getting it) were told by a nurse that most hospitals don’t use budesonide for COVID until the patient is at death’s door - which makes zero sense when you know it works to keep patients out of the hospital to begin with!

- If you want to take ivermectin or hydroxychloroquine, find a locally owned pharmacy before you see your telemedicine provider and call to ask if they fill those prescriptions. They’ll be honest with you about it either way. If you live in the Austin, TX area and need a pharmacy recommendation, feel free to message me. The one I ended up finding is awesome and I wish I’d known about them sooner!

#COVID #COVID-19 #I got the Covid

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singofsolace · 3 years

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In celebration (and mourning) of Jill Murphy, I am taking stock of my own relationship to The Worst Witch and what it has meant to me.

In light of the recent deaths of Jill Murphy, the author of The Worst Witch book series, and Una Stubbs, the original Mrs. Bat, I have a lot of feelings I'm working through this morning. I'm crying as I write this, so it might not be as eloquent as I want it to be. I'm sorry in advance.

It's hard to articulate what The Worst Witch means to me. I've read the books and watched both the 1998 and 2017 television series. They've provided me endless hours of entertainment and inspiration. I've spent countless hours writing stories inspired by Jill Murphy's creations, and I really can't express how much her work has helped me in my worst moments.

To this day, there is one scene that never fails to make me cry:

youtube

I remember how I felt watching this the first time. Seeing this scene unlocked feelings in me I had locked up for a long time. It showed me how an adult should handle a conversation like this, even though as a child, no adults in my life had ever treated me with this kind of respect. It showed me that it was possible for an adult to receive criticism--even criticism they disagree with (like when she reacts pretty strongly to Mildred saying that she doesn't like it when she shouts). No adult has ever in the history of my life accepted criticism like this without some sort of retaliation, deflection, or just complete denial. (Key example: "I didn't say that, but even if I did, I didn't mean it like that, and even if I did mean it, it was your fault because.... blah blah blah")

There was such a... I don't know... softness to this conversation, even as Miss Hardbroom is explaining all the reasons she gives Mildred a hard time. I love how Constance allows Mildred to have her say, because as a child, adults never treated me like my thoughts and opinions mattered to them. In this scene, Constance allowed Mildred the opportunity to criticize her freely. (My mother and father and teachers would never?!?!). It was nearly beyond my comprehension that an adult would do this. I'm crying harder just thinking about it, and that's that on childhood trauma.

Anyway, when the new Worst Witch series came out, I wasn't expecting to fall in love with it as much as I did, but Raquel Cassidy won me over as the new Miss Hardbroom. And when Pippa Pentangle was introduced, I fell hard for their beautiful, complicated, not-so-subtly sapphic relationship. And while I didn't enjoy where the series winded up going, I will always be grateful that the first two seasons of The Worst Witch exist for me to revisit whenever I desire.

And now, taking stock of my own writing, specifically my hicsqueak The Proposal fic, it occurs to me that the date I last updated it is significant. March 8, 2020. I stopped publishing the week before the world (or at least my small section of it) shutdown. I was teaching a college-level creative writing course at the time, and little did I know that after that week, I would never see my students in person again.

My world changed. Everyone's world changed. And I tucked the fic into a drawer, unable to look at it. I've revisited many times over the last year and a half, and even got donation-commissions to update it by several people (for my failure to do so, I am very very sorry). There was something about that fic that represented "before" for me. The Proposal was "before" everything fell apart. The Proposal was "before" I was separated from my students. The Proposal was "before" I was excessed and lost my teaching job. The Proposal was before I spent every day worrying about my extended family and friends falling ill with a virus I didn't understand. The Proposal was before I lost all faith in humanity, with people refusing to wear masks and get a vaccine simply because they didn't want to.

Before the pandemic, I truly believed that if a global crisis happened, people would go out of their way to help each other. I believed protecting our grandparents and the immunocompromised would be more important to people than the personal discomfort of wearing a mask, social distancing, and getting a vaccine to help protect yourself and others. I suppose you could say that over the last year and a half, I became completely disillusioned. I hated my neighbors more than I loved them. Huge rifts formed between family and friends over covid safety. My country saw the first NON-peaceful transfer of power in our nation's history. The Black Lives Matter movement made the nation confront centuries-long injustices that we still haven't been rectified or resolved.

The world came to a boiling point, and I thought, "surely, this can't last? surely, things will get better?"

They haven't.

It might sound silly, but for a year and a half, the failure to update this fic has been a major source of sadness and frustration for me, and I feel that it's very much related to having my faith in humanity completely ripped out from under me. The fic represents a part of my life I feel like I will never be able to return to.

And yet, here I am, sitting in the midst of a tropical storm, desperately wanting to return to my story, and crying over it rather than making any progress.

I don't know why I'm sharing this. But the news of Jill Murphy's death has triggered a lot of emotions I don't know what to do with. I'm sorry for rambling, but maybe someone will read this and understand.

#personal #jill murphy #una stubbs #hicsqueak #the proposal #hecate hardbroom #pippa pentangle

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billdecker · 2 years

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darren came from home hospital this afternoon. obviously i’m over the moon but the stress i’m feeling is just something else.

he’s well within himself, but very sore. his shaved stomach looks like when a cartoon character gets in a tangle with a lawnmower and it shaves a big strip out of their hair/fur. just this bald swollen stomach compared to his hair chest which made me laugh. it wasn’t a standard hernia but what the surgeon called ‘a knuckle of fat’ that had popped through. made me think of the adipose in doctor who.

i am so tired beyond belief. i’ve managed to get some sleep this evening but before that i’d managed about 4 hours out of the past 48.

my in-laws have suddenly become antivaxxers (my mother-in-law has an itchy scalp despite her gp saying itch skin is a side effect of her blood thinners, and d’s mum, sis, and step-dad are all convinced it’s the vaccine looooooool) and are trying to blame the hernia on that. D’s dad is literally dying at the moment and D had planned to go to see him but that’s now cancelled yet again. over the past couple of years D’s dad has had several big strokes and is in hospital every couple of days with pneumonia. d’s not been able to see him since before covid because every time he tries to organise a visit something happens (lockdowns, his dad having another stroke). we’re in stoke and his dad is all the way down in somerset. before D got admitted we were literally planning a sudden visit for him to just drop everything and go so they can have a goodbye. now he’s can’t do that.

i’m struggling. i just realised i forgot to do the dishes and clean cecil’s litter tray so i had a cry. they will be top of my list for the morning before my dad nips around to take darren to the GP to get his dressing changed. D’s been signed off for 6 weeks. I know it won’t always be as bad as this but i’m already panicking about how i’m going to cope.

i’m glad i told my parents about my potential autism/adhd before this (literally two days before) because they’ve been so much more understanding about what i can and can not put my energy towards. i know if i ask them to help me hoover the flat they will no question, i just don’t wanna have to ask them. i’m not good with hoovers. the sound is a lot and they get tangled and that makes me stressed.

your comments here were so lovely yesterday and genuinely got me through the rest of the day. i didn’t really expect it. i’m not very open her about my life and my daily struggles as i used to be. forgive me for not replying to them all. my head is a mess.

i just feel really lonely. just makes me realise that despite my family what few friends i have. my best mate is ill at the moment and hasn’t read my messages (she’s got several exhaustive disorders and is basically having a breakdown). i’ve had one other friend check in on me. it’s not that i really want more or that i crave attention, i just feel lonely. i have no friends locally, just my family. my best friend lives in bristol, and my other friend is in america.

one positive thing is that despite the stress i have not binge ate. i have kept my disordered eating in check. it’s taken a lot to do so but i’ve done it.

i haven’t used this place as any kind of diary or to let out my thoughts for donkeys years, so thanks for giving me that space and being so kind. i really feel like i’m rambling so i’m gonna go now and sorry for this essay. i’m going to try to get some more sleep.

#2022 #this needs a tag #the sudden hernia scenario #there you go

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hannahdra-ws · 3 years

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and now (you’re hyper paranoid)

Summary:

hypochondria; n; abnormal anxiety about one's health, especially with an unwarranted fear that one has a serious disease.

(or: Janus has a very bad time.)

Romantic, established dukeceit

TWs: hypochondria, covid-19, panic attacks, unspecified eating disorder, coughing, crying

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Through the uneasy feeling, Janus knew he was being a little unrealistic.

He's perfectly healthy, he rarely gets sick. He hasn't even had the flu before. He's double vaccinated, and he wears his mask everywhere. He's certainly never gotten food poisoning before.

So he doesn't know why he's freaking out so much.

read on ao3

Janus stared at the plate in front of him, heart thumping so loudly he was almost sure the others at the table could hear it. It wasn't anything major, it was just meatloaf with a side of mashed potatoes and corn, and Patton and Logan (mostly Logan) spent a lot of time on it, so there's no reason he shouldn't eat it.

The others are enjoying it too, bantering and joking across the table without a care in the world. Roman was basically sitting in Logan's lap, and Four Idiots (as Janus and Remus dubbed them as) kept sending each other equally besotted expressions. Remus was next to him, gesturing animatedly while he talked with one hand and the other hand tightly gripped in Janus's own.

He felt off kilter and shaky, watching everyone eat their food. Janus knows he should be eating too, and logically he knows that there is a very small chance of him getting food poisoning. But that doesn't make the debilitating anxiety welling up inside him go away.

Oh God, he's going to get sick, somethings wrong with the meat he'll get sick and vo-

Ugh. Virgil's the one that has the anxiety problem, not him. Why did his brother have to give him his mental illness? Bitch.

Suddenly, a loud noise happened, forcefully dragging Janus out of his mind. It was Roman, coughing loudly. He kept hacking, and hacking, and Janus abruptly felt faint.

The others were watching with concern, and Logan was patting Roman on the back to get whatever had lodged in his throat out. Eventually, he did clear his airways, after a long breath in and a particularly violent cough.

Patton inquired if he was okay, and Roman nodded, face red and tears streaming down his face from coughing so much. "Sorry, I choked." His voice was scratchy from coughing. But he was smiling, and that should have been an indicator that he was okay, he just choked, he's fine-

Remus made some comment, and Virgil flipped him off while still looking worriedly in Roman's direction, but Janus suddenly couldn't hear through the ringing in his ears. Remus must have noticed either the way he abruptly went still, or the fact that he had barely eaten anything, because he squeezed his hand in question. Janus abruptly stood up from the table, almost knocking his chair down in the process.

Remus frowned, a small, confused thing, "Jaybird? You alright?"

"I'm sorry, if you'll excuse me," Janus managed to choke out, before quickly ripping his hand from Remus's and stumbling away, ignoring the protests and calls from the table behind him.

He hopes no one noticed that he didn't finish his meal.

----

Janus stumbled to his room, heart beating out of his chest, thump, thump, thump. He quickly locked the door and slid his back down to the floor, digging his gloved hands in his hair and pulling.

Roman's dry hacking wouldn't leave his head, oh God he sounded sick, but he's not he just choked he's fine, he doesn't have covid none of you do you're all vaccinated, fuck-

Janus was acutely aware that he was crying, now, his chest tight and his throat sore from the tears. He was trembling, small and terrified against the back of his door, and he couldn't stop thinking.

Janus had to go back to school in a week. School, with its crowded areas and unvaccinated people and possible removal of masks. The very thought of it makes his heart jump into his throat, dizzy with terror.

What if one of them had covid, and we just didn't have any symptoms, what if the vaccine doesn't work against the variant, fuck, he's going to get it, maybe he already has it, he's going to die he's going to die he can't breathe-

He suddenly had the image of his own funeral in his head, his boyfriend and his friends and his brother at his own funeral, crying softly and holding each other. He envisioned himself in the afterlife, waiting for them, watching Remus suffer alone because he wasn't there-

And that horrifying image in his head is what turned his soft crying into desperate sobs, shaking and pulling his hair so tight it stung.

And that's also when he finally registered the frantic knocking on the door, how long has that been going on? and Remus's panicked voice coming from the other side.

"Jan? Baby, I can hear you crying, fuck, are you hurt? If you want me to fuck off, tell me, but- Oh, Jay, please answer, even a knock, just let me know if you're alright-"

Janus reached with trembling hands to unlock the door, even as his mind went no don't he could be sick, and he quickly moved away from the door a little so Remus wouldn't smack him in the face with the door when he came bursting in.

And burst in he did. In a flurry of motion, Remus quickly came in and shut the door behind him, then sat on the floor with panicked, worried eyes looking at Janus.

"Janus? Can you- fuck, I'm not good at this- can I touch you?"

Somewhere, in the back behind the panic, Janus found his stumbling endearing.

Janus debated for half a second, social distance 6 feet apart you'll die you'll die you'll die, before crumbling to his desire to be held.

"Pl- Please, hold me, I- I can't-" Janus's voice came out absolutely pathetic, broken up in sobs and small and trembling, but Remus paid it no mind. He quickly scooped up Janus in his arms, and Janus held onto him for dear life, like he'll be swept away if he doesn't. He cries so hard he's almost heaving, shaking like a leaf in Remus's strong, tattooed arms.

Oh, Remus, make it go away, He thought, and then cried harder because what a childish thing to think.

"Shh, shh, you're alright, I've got you. Can you breathe with me, darling? In and out, you're okay," Remus's voice was calm and soothing, the panic deliberately gone from his voice, probably to not make him feel worse. He breathed in deeply, over exaggerating his breaths so that Janus could follow along.

Janus tried to follow the rhythm, hiccupping through his tears. He stumbled a few times, and it took a bit, but he eventually was able to settle his breathing. His tears had started to slow, and he suddenly felt overwhelmingly childish.

He just had a breakdown over something so stupid. It's not like he's the only one affected by covid, they're in a fucking pandemic, and he has no right to panic when he's not even sick. He's fine.

Janus and Remus had only been together for a few months, so Remus hadn't seen this side of Janus yet. This was sure to make him leave. Fuck, he's so stupid.

"There you are, baby," Remus crooned with a soothing voice, and Janus flushed despite himself. Remus wiped away one of his lingering tears, his palm cupping Janus's cheek, and Janus leaned into the warmth, suddenly exhausted. He felt boneless and hollowed out inside of Remus's arms, like his limbs were made of lead.

"I'm sorry," Janus croaked, and Remus was shushing him before he could get more words out.

"No, shut up, you're not allowed to apologize for having a panic attack. You have nothing to apologize for." Remus was strong and steady, and Janus opened his eyes that he didn't mean to close. For some reason, he wanted to deny that what just happened was a panic attack. "You're okay, love, we're okay."

Janus gave a small laugh in spite of himself, and Remus huffed, indignant. "What?"

"Nothing, just- you use a l- lot more cutesy nicknames when you're calming me down." Janus noted, and Remus puffed up like a peacock, but he was smiling.

"Would you rather I use my normal names? J-anus? Two Dicks? Hot ass? Da-"

Janus cut him off with laughter and a smack to the arm, "Shut up, you awful man, that wasn't an invitation-"

Remus was laughing too, grin blinding. When they both stopped laughing, they just sat there for a while in comfortable silence. Remus traced the vitiligo patches on Janus's back through the clothes (Janus flushed at the fact that Remus just knew where they were) and Janus traced the tattoos on Remus's brown skin.

After several long, quiet moments, Remus's quiet voice broke the silence. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Instantly, Janus went tense, before shaking his head no. He couldn't explain it without sounding stupid, and he didn't want Remus to leave.

Besides, there was nothing Remus could truly say that he hasn't heard before.

Nothing will make it go away.

Remus nodded, content with not pushing. "Well, I say we move the cuddling to the bed and not the floor, how does that sound?"

Before Janus could respond, Remus just scooped him up, effortlessly in the air. Janus squeaked and held onto Remus before Remus just dumped him down unceremoniously onto the bed, bouncing a little on the springs.

Remus laid down on his back, and Janus immediately crawled to him and curled up next to him, laying his head on Remus's chest and Remus wrapping an arm around him.

"Nap time," Janus mumbled into Remus's shirt. Janus felt more than heard him chuckle.

"Well, if the king says it's nap time, then I have no choice but to obey." Janus swatted at him lazily, and he couldn't see it, but he bet Remus grinned. Remus laid a quick kiss to his temple and his heart swelled.

The worry still pricked in the back of Janus's mind. He was sure that later, he was going to freak out over this moment, that the sudden contact made him contract an illness.

But right now, at this moment, he's fine. He's with his boyfriend, and his other friends and his brother are in the house somewhere too, no doubt worried about Janus. They're all vaccinated, healthy, and safe.

I'm okay, he thought, the thought not panic induced this time, and fell asleep next to Remus, and dreamt of nothing but warmth.

#sanders sides #thomas sanders #janus sanders #janus sanders angst #tw covid #tw hypochondria #dukeceit #fanfic #janus sanders fanfic

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corvixa · 3 years

Text

I am alive! Long, rambly post ahead.

So. I did a thing. After 2 or 3 years on a waiting list of therapy, I got it. Good right? Ahuh...

A weekly appointment at 10.30 am is apparently my kryptonite.

It was fine at first, but I got utterly sidelined with the cumulative effect and the fact I wasn't able to reset my energy. But, I was determined like, I'd breakthrough.

Uh. That did not happen. All I could do was attend that appointment. For the first time since I started writing again post house explosion, I couldn't even write. I managed to not some ideas down. Carry on a few plots in my head. Still, even with my insomnia, I was stuck with my facemask on, desperately trying to get enough energy to eat, and occasionally failing even that.

After I had to take a break for a few weeks running for dental appointments and Covid Vaccines, I gained enough energy back to do that look around and reflect thing.

Hell, I might not have been perfect before this, but I enjoyed things. I chatted with friends. I lurked in the Stark Tower discord plotting new ideas. I got to write. I got to do real-world hobbies. I got to spend time awake with my partners!

So, after my vaccine and several days with a very high fever, I kind of decided. Fuck it. This isn't worth it. I have clawed my little part of this world out, and I am not going to lose it.

Sometimes you have to weigh up the cost-benefit analysis. What good may come from these 16 appointments was utterly stopper by the bomb dropped on my life. So I came out of my fever cave of blankets, had an incredibly hot bath and decided this wasn't working.

The early appointment alone was killing me; I am crepuscular by nature. Not being sarcastic there; this is how I have dealt with severe levels of insomnia since age 12. I tried being an average human that wakes up in the morning and goes to bed at night for decades, and it didn't work. I am most active after 11 pm, and I nap during the day. It's not a perfect fix; if it were, the Gold series would literally not exist as that is my Insomnia in a cape. However, sleeping at least once in a 24 hour period nearly every day is THE WIN. Being not awake at 10.30 am, but already at an appointment, where I was expected to be coherent? Weekly? With no variable illnesses? Even the stint in hospital I had was around me making these appointments... Not getting better from fall.

Honestly, I have no idea what past me was thinking, but after they went to 2 or 3 appointments and didn't feel too bad, they committed hard to this course of action. That was a mistake that I thought I had learned a long time ago, that assessing the work-life balance is critical. This might not be work, but it was the same thing.

So, How am I doing? Better. Not aces, but the Covid fever of doom made me miss last weeks appointment. The week before, it was the Covid.2 Jab and today I had the dentist.

And this morning, before my dental appointment, I started writing. My partners were over the moon. I am not back on full capacitor yet, but I am clawing my way back. Heck, I felt alive enough to prat about in the garden as my partner wanted to take a few pics of me given my pairing of BRIGHT TOXIC GREEN tights and lace trousers. I realised I hadn't set foot in the garden since this therapy thing started. My dog, Loki, was bouncing around like a loon bringing me every stashed ball he could find.

If anything gives you clarity, it's the excitement of a collie confronted with man balls, your partner's joy at you starting something you love again and actually feeling like a human being.

Ness is calling the therapy people when she gets the social confidence points required to deal with bombing me out of this whilst being my stalwart wall, so I don't get bullied onto the phone (hello, Hemiplegic Migraine) or guilted back into just trying a few more sessions.

It's not like my therapist was bad. He was cool. He dealt with this ADHD, Autistic, Severe Insomniac, Asexual weirdo and never once questioned any of these identifiers. I just don't have the energy to do anything back to back, week after week, at 10.30 am—even fun things.

So, I am probably going to sleep a lot. I am not back to my previous form yet; my Hubs is saying I made it out of the cave, but I still have Palladium Poisoning because apparently, I have infected his brain to think of things in Iron Man metaphors.

This is a bit all over, but I felt like I wanted to get it down. Especially for anyone worried about my sudden absence.

TLDR, the road to hell is lined with good intentions; sometimes the good thing becomes the bad thing, sometimes you lose yourself trying to do things the right way, and everything ends up wrong. Sometimes the right thing is the thing people see as wrong. All I know is that I wrote something for the first time this morning because of insomnia, and I couldn't be happier. My mind is starting to pick up speed again, this dense dog of confusion, exhaustion and pain is clearing, and I have goals.

Which I think is what really matters, right?

Oh, side note, some things did get done whilst I was busy being a zombie. After nearly 3 decades of waiting, at 33 (yeah, I've wanted to change my name a long ass time.) I got my name changed! So I can sign this off in a way that makes me smile. I dropped my old first name, and took my first middle name as my new forname. (I was, and still am, one of those ginormous name people.) I also went back in history and timestoned my surname. (So, I was named utterly after my dad. Literally, I have the female version of his name >.< but I wanted to keep that connection to my genealogy whilst not having my dads name.) Boom.

Enjoy the earlier mentioned pictures of me pratting about in the garden. I am a photographer. I do not know how to pose. What you are seeing is sarcasm 😅. (If you want to know where the fabulous tights came from, Google Snag Tights. They are truly a miracle and a gift from the Gods. They have actual sizes and don't tear after one wear, even if you are more leg than human. So you stretch and destroy tights by walking.)

- Morgan / M-Mac-C

#easily excitable autistic woman #i am so tired #therapy #life kicked my ass #sleeping all the time is lonely as feck #name change #MMacC is the new me

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treecove · 3 years

Text

yknow im only just now realising how much the pandemic and lockdowns have fucked me up like, both mentally and physically.

before the pandemic, i was well into my recovery. i hadn't sh'd in a long time, hadn't had any suicidal ideation, was able to go outside, saw my neighbours and family, was able to keep mostly on top of household chores.

for the first year of the pandemic, i didn't go outside if i could help it. being at high risk of covid myself, and just not being able to go to the store when it was actually open, and physically being unable to wait in line for long periods of time without being in significant pain- it just wasn't something i could do. i couldn't really go outside in the garden either, as the gvmnt here decided that was now against covid regulations, especially when myself and my neighbours are high risk.

so the less i went outside, the less my body was moving around. my already chronically ill, disabled and in constant pain body got weaker and weaker. i dont have the means to exercise properly inside my tiny apartment. the weaker i got, the less energy i had, and the harder and harder it became to stay on top of keeping the place clean.

during last year, i finally was able to ask my mother (who had been able to safely make me part of her 'bubble') to come and help me clean my apartment. she was shocked at the state my apartment had got into, and i still feel so much shame over something that i physically could not do anything about. i'm still struggling to keep the place clean.

it got so bad that i am now constantly sick. being in an environment that i could not keep clean, and being unable to go outside, meant that my already disability compromised immune system is now destroyed. so i had even less of a reason to venture outdoors. even with being vaccinated now, you can still get covid, and even other illnesses might severely affect me.

and this doesn't even account for the mental effect this has had on me. without being able to move around as much, and with my weakened disabled body, simple tasks such as emptying the trash meant that i would be in a lot of pain afterwards. i would even be in a lot of pain just from sitting. my scoliosis has become so much worse, i am in constant pain no matter what i do.

i began abusing painkillers and alcohol just to make the pain stop. all of the progress i had made, destroyed. with the shame of not being able to keep my home clean, or do simple tasks i had been able to do before, added to the shame of relapse, my depression became worse. i would take more and drink more to knock myself out instead of facing being awake and hating myself for it all. and when that didn't work, i turned to something i haven't in years- self harming. i had been clean for a long time. the suicidal ideation is back, too.

and NONE of this even touches on the despair and anger caused by our governments, by our society, by billionaires all profiting off what has happened while i and others in even worse positions suffer. i live on disabled support, and my gvmnt has repeatedly reduced the amount paid out, has repeatedly threatened me over late bills- and i've been lucky to not be forced off it and be deemed 'fit for work', which has happened to so many people even more disabled than me. every day i wonder if i'll be next.

two years of my life destroyed, progress gone. i'm almost 30 and wondering how the hell i'm supposed to be a 30 year old, when i can't even vacuum the carpet without breaking down in pain and tears. when i've barely been outside in two years. when my only real form of social contact is a handful of people on a screen. when the gvmnt is desperately trying to kill me and people like me.

how the fuck do i recover from all of this?

#long post #ask to tag #ok2rb #if u want lmao #covid #self harm ment #suicide ment #alcohol abuse ment #drug abuse ment

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