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emeraldborealis · 2 months

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Galaxy of Dying Stars

Pairing: Leon Kennedy x FEM!reader

TW//CW: Hurt/comfort, mention of cancer, reader has moles and freckles but no other descriptions used, a lot of star and galaxy metaphors, established relationship, no use of y/n. Damnation Leon.

A/N: A dear friend of mine requested me to use Damnation Leon with this idea and I had to oblige my muse.

Words: 1,850

Moles ran in the family, beauty marks that would pop up all over your skin, mapping out eras of your life, four in particular meant a lot to you on your right side, forming a rectangle, with two on your hip and two on your ribs.

You'd had them since you were little, they'd been there for as long as you could remember. They were a part of you, something you always associated with yourself.

Moles and freckles were the constellations that mapped out who you were. Some even believed moles appeared in places your lover kissed you often in your past life.

Cancer also ran in the family, and with two of your beloved moles growing bigger you knew you had to get them removed and biopsied.

But who were you without the constellations of the years of your life?

If not just a galaxy of dying stars.

Each one just another ticking time bomb until the whole thing would eventually collapse.

It was superficial, they weren't integral to your personality or who you were as a person, but they were still a map of everything you've been. Who you were when they first showed up.

The appointment was easy to schedule, just one call, that's all. But it felt like ordering the casket for the little girl you were when you first noticed them there. Back when you were so full of dreams, and the ambitions to achieve them, to reach that unreachable star.

The process of the removal was just as easy, some numbing and a blade carefully wielded in your dermatologist's hand, a simple band aid and the reminder to keep it clean, use Vaseline on it if you didn't want it to scar, and not to pick at it. Results of the biopsy and testing from the lab would take about a week.

It was such an easy process, so why did it hurt? Why did it feel like this?

Was this what a dying star felt like? Was this the beginning of burning out? Or were you already long past gone? Just waiting for the light to vanish from an already dead star.

"What's going on with you, love?" Leon's voice suddenly broke you from your thoughts, looking over to him from where you sat on the couch. You hadn't noticed him join you, wondering how long he'd been there.

"Just thinking." You were quick to brush it off, feeling too silly to actually explain or express the issue, and you knew it probably wasn't cancer. Didn't want to worry him. Even still, the wait to find out was still agonizing.

"About?" He prompted you to continue, to explain. Moving closer to you on the couch, draping his arm around you, rubbing your arm and shoulder.

"I got some moles removed today, possibly cancer. But don't worry- it's probably not. And not serious if it is." You explained, playing with your hands, looking down at your speckled skin, the peppering of color, too many little dots to count, but moles were special, bigger. Astronavigation.

"So are you worried about it being cancer?" He seemed a bit nervous, you could tell by the way he pulled you closer, glancing in the way of the kitchen, thinking of a familiar burn soothing his tongue, sliding down his throat to numb everything down.

He didn't like the thought of something like this. Something being a potential catalyst to losing you.

"Not really, I just... sort of miss them. I know that's stupid, but I've always thought of my moles and freckles like constellations across my body." Your words helped take off his edge, helping calm his racing thoughts.

"And now you've lost some stars?" He understood the sentiment, why it would feel like losing a piece of yourself.

Even without the few moles, Leon was sure he could navigate the celestial plane of your body without a single chart, he could never truly get lost. Not when he knew it so well.

"Yeah, feels incomplete, like something's missing." Something in your internal gravitational pull felt shifted, like things inside you were spinning in a new orbit. Making up for the newly burnt out stars.

"Have you heard the theory that moles are where your lover or soulmate kissed you in your past life?" He leaned in closer, pressing his forehead to yours, and in a moment you were spinning from something completely different than a loss of proper internal gravitational pull.

"It's a popular theory. But I'm not following." Blue eyes that could put any galactical marvel to shame seemed to suck you in like a black hole, bringing you closer to what you knew would one day tear you apart.

"I gave them to you once, and as long as you love them I'll give them to you in every lifetime. Maybe next time they'll be able to stay for longer." He explained, pushing you to be laying on the couch. "Which ones were removed?" His voice was soft, but it was laced with something that reminded you how quickly the cold space between you could quickly turn into a blaze.

"The one's on my side, on my ribs." He took your breath away with little difficulty, a gateway to salvation. Something far more tantalizing than the sun, moon or stars. Nothing less than heaven.

"I loved those ones. I know why I gave them to you in our last lifetime together." He gently raised your shirt, folding it up, keeping it over your chest to preserve your modesty. He looked at your body with such reverence, like it was something to worship. Like it was a deity whose altar he would kneel at until his knees cracked, until he himself turned to dust, coming from and returning to the stars.

He lowered his head, bowing in awe to your divinity. His lips gently pressing to the band aids, kissing them with searing hot lips. He treated you like you were more than just a descendent of stardust, instead like you were the whole damn galaxy. A supernova couldn't hold a candle to you, a cosmic wonderland was the only thing he could think to compare you to.

"I think in your next life I should add a few new additions too." He whispered like a prayer against your skin, his hot breath fanning over you, breathing into you new life, new sparks. Gaseous nebulae imploding into new stars inside of you.

"And preserve my favorite astronomical destinations." His lips trailed over you, kissing your already existing moles, the one on your hand, the few on your face, neck, shoulders, arms. Everywhere. "I was so smart to worship you in entirety in our last life together."

Finally he brought his lips to yours, and in that moment it was like galaxies colliding, bursting with destruction and new life. He filled all of your senses, breathing him in like a psychedelic. He was seven times more addictive.

Your hands trailed up his chest, gently holding his face you brought him in closer, your thumb gently brushing over one of his moles. Holding him to your lips until your lungs burned in search of oxygen, only parting from him momentarily.

His moles next to yours were proof of how brightly your love burned for the other in another lifetime. It must have been blinding, needing the constellations of the marks you'd leave on one another to navigate it.

You'd map each other out all over again, a chart to follow of how to love the other the next time fate brings you both back together. An endless gravitational pull of two souls meant to be.

"It's not cancer." He whispered in your ear. "I promise. It's not cancer. The marks of love between us could never be the thing to hurt you. It's not cancer."

"I know. But I still needed to get them tested and removed, just in case." You tangled your fingers into his hair, gently massaging his scalp with your nails, making his eyes drift closed in enjoyment. A reassuring gentle touch. "It wasn't cancer last time, it won't be this time either."

"I love you. And I need to believe that our life transcends this one. I need to know that there was peaceful love between us once, and that after all the hell of this life, there will be peaceful love between us again. I need to keep the world safe for the next time we meet." Leon lowered himself down onto you, laying atop you and burying his face in the crook of your neck.

"I believe it does, and that belief is all that matters right? Isn't that what faith is? The hope of things unseen?" Wrapping your arms around him you held him close, cradling him against you. Fingers drifting up and down his clothed back, stopping each place you knew he had moles.

His body was just as perfectly mapped out to you with astronavigation as yours was to him. Known almost better by the other than themselves.

"I can't keep fighting if it's not to be with you again. I can't keep losing people if it's not for the promise of holding you for eternity." His sigh was deep, releasing so much tension from his body.

"I know. I know, Leon." Placing a tender kiss to his temple he let out a soft hum, sinking further into you. His weight was never crushing, only ever comforting, like the warm blankets wrapped around you on a cold morning.

"I'm not losing you. Nothing is allowed to take you from me. I couldn't take it. Not you. Anything but you. Me, but never you." He wrapped his arms tightly around you, holding you like a lifeline. The loss of his idol of worship would make him lose faith all over again.

"I'm not going anywhere, Leon. It's not cancer. Remember? The tests will come back and nothing will be wrong. It'd be too cruel for me to go through everything I have, suffered with all my afflictions, just to get cancer too. So, it's not. Besides, if it is, I'm tough. I could beat it, if only for you." The reassuring words were spoken in equal parts for him and you.

"You're right. You could beat it. Strongest person I've ever known, that's who you are." He kissed your shoulder gently, nibbling on your skin, taking it between his teeth, pinching you, making you almost yelp.

"You don't know yourself half as well as I do then, because if you did, it'd be a self earned title." Grabbing his head by his hair you gently tugged him to look at you. "No biting."

"You're one to talk." He leaned in, kissing your nose. "Can't ever get you to stop gnawing on me."

"What can I say? I'm starstruck, pulled in by you, no other gravity for me, brought to my knees from my need to collide with you." Kissing his lips always made things feel better, like stars aligning. It was a mutual feeling. A mutual need to be together until the galaxy itself burned out.

In this life, and every life down the road, you'd always be pulled together, your stars aligning over and over again. Two souls incapable of existing without the other.

#resident evil #leon kennedy x reader #leon s kennedy x reader #leon kennedy #leon s kennedy #leon kennedy x you #leon s kennedy x you #leon x reader #x reader #oneshot #reader insert #leon kennedy fanfic #resident evil fanfic #resident evil leon #leon scott kennedy #leon scott kennedy x reader

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dafuq-lyrehc · 2 months

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I haven’t spoken about it much here, but it is the main cause for my mental distress. Besides a car accident being a traumatic experience and me realizing that my intense desire for perfection is so incredibly deep rooted that the thought of me doing something wrong makes me want to vomit and cry, my state is also actively trying to fuck me.

I am a medical marijuana patient and my state has a 0 tolerance policy for marijuana when it comes to driving. So every single med patient in the state is basically a walking dui, bc if the police find out your a patient, they can do a blood test. But if you’re a regular user (like me), there will be marijuana in your blood even in you haven’t used it for an extended period of time. I consume almost everyday bc anxiety and the horrors.

So when I got into my car accident in January, I sustained a concussion and the police officer did a field sobriety test. I failed bc I had a concussion…. But the officer took my blood anyway and if the 3 letters I got in the mail from defense attorneys are any indication, the state will be trying to charge me with a dui even tho I WAS NOT HIGH. I don’t drive while high. The thought of it makes me so anxious that I haven’t even tried it. Completely sober, I’ll get paranoid that I’m intoxicated somehow and am swerving and such (when I’m not) and I’ll get so in my head and panicked. So I don’t drive high.

In addition to this, I got a letter from the state requesting I get some forms filled out by a health care provider to assess if I am unfit to drive bc of some kind of condition, including a substance abuse disorder. If I don’t turn in the forms by Feb 29, they’ll start the process of suspending my license, and if they’re not in by March 30, my license will be suspended.

Well, I finally got health insurance last year after not having it for years. The only doctor I’ve seen since getting health insurance is a dermatologist bc I’ve got a chronic skin thing that causes lots of pain and discomfort when it flairs. I saw a primary care doc for the first time after my car accident to follow up. And I can’t seem to find a doctor who is “comfortable” filling out these forms for me. I asked the state what I should and they told me to go to an urgent care if I can’t get one of my doctors to sign the paperwork. I went to an urgent care and they told me that they legally cannot fill out the forms. So my current plan is to just try and get an appointment with random doctors to see if they will do it.

I’ve been trying so hard not to let the looming depression consume me, but the depression got hands. It feels inevitable to lose my license, and I’m just so fucking tired. I feel like I’ve been in this survival mode for my whole life and I try so hard to do the “right things”, but it doesn’t seem to even matter.

Unfortunately, the self harm and suicidal ideation are back. ✌️ I’m trying so hard, and it feels like the effort has never gotten me anywhere. Like maybe the issue is I should just lay down and take it. Surrender and submit. I know it’s the depression talking, but like I said this depression got hands. Can’t drown my demons, they know how to swim. And I’m barely treading water

I also feel so guilty for feeling this way. The accident showed me that there are actually a lot of people in my life who care about me, and I don’t want them to be disappointed. I don’t want to waste their support and let them down. I just really don’t want to be here. Never have, maybe never will

#like please I’m so tired #just let me rest #tw mention of self harm #tw depression #update

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darklovecat · 1 year

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March favorites?

Tretinoin and a 2% BHA serum.

These 2 are a very powerful combo. I only use BHAs once a week, there are people who use it every single day and it is true that is a lot more gentle compared to other chemical exfoliators but I do not want to overexfoliate my skin or disrupt my skin barrier again like last year (when I would use the highest percentages of Vitamin C, AHA, Retinoids every day) so I make sure I only use it when I really need it. I use Tretinoin for anti-aging purposes only, it does not require a prescription where I live so I can get it at any pharmacy. 0.1% is the highest concentration available on the market and some people purge like crazy but I have been using it for on and off 4 years so my skin is used to it. My skin is far from perfect and sometimes I break out due to hormones, stress or lack of sleep and I need products to improve my skin texture. One of my favorite things is applying my 0.1% Tretinoin on Friday night and on Monday my skin begins flaking, I take my BHA Serum massaging it into my skin and it gets rid of all my dead skin cells and I love how my skin looks smooth and glowy the next days.

Garnier Hyaluronic Aloe Replumping Superserum.

I would never really purchase something from Garnier. However, my aunt was recently diagnosed with preoral dermatitis (it's terrible) and her dermatologist told her to stop using any makeup or skincare so she gave me most of her cosmetics that I have been trying out the past few weeks. This is one of my favorites. Whenever I use a hydrating ingredient I always spritz my face with water first to maximize its benefits and this serum makes my skin feel so much more hydrated and fresh, it has a very calming & pleasant smell, and I sometimes add another layer depending on my skin's needs. It gives me the perfect base before I move on to applying my skin makeup. What makes this serum amazing is that it includes so many different hydrating ingredients - Aloe, Hyaluronic Acid, Glycerin... My skin loves this superserum so I use this one quite often.

Missha A'pieu BB Maker SPF 30/PA++

This is another product that proves to me that Korean makeup products are amazing. The BB creams I've tried from Western brands have been lackluster at best, they never match my skin tone, they look off on me but I bought this in 212 Natural Beige and it is so perfect. It's called 'BB cream' but this product is so high coverage that I would almost call it a foundation. When my order first arrived, I was shocked at how small the product was, I thought I'm gonna finish it in two weeks tops but the thing is you put 1/2 a pea size on the back of your hand and realize you could easily cover your whole face with it. I don't know how that's possible but you really need soooo little, only a teeny tiny amount and it's something I still need to learn, I put a 3/4 pea just to be safe and it always turns out to be way too much. I know someone who works for Missha so I got this product at a heavy discount, I ordered 2 and she sent 4, what a darling and what an amazing excuse to buy more products!

Apple AirPods (3rd Generation).

These were a gift from my mom, my Huawei Freebuds stopped working and I've been complaining about it nonstop so she surprised me with a pair of Airpods 3, she was torn between the 2 and 3 so she gave me the receipt to let me decide. I went in the next day and got them exchanged, and I love them. I can do calls, binge my shows, participate in virtual meetings, listen to podcasts on my way to uni, listen to music for hours on end with no issues and I would recommend it to anyone who is looking for a pair of good headphones, the battery lasts a long time as well. The headphones may feel weird at the beginning, like they could fall out any second which is why I was hesitant in the beginning but I got used to it, it does not bother me anymore. I also got a cute little case, it's silver stoned and I am not really a bling person but I did not want to get silicone because they stain and rip, I wanted to try something different, so I just went ahead and bought this one, I love how it sparkles and it is pretty much impossible to damage.

A White Long Sleeved Leotard.

I am obsessed with this long sleeved leotard, it is a game changer and I think this is the best purchases I have made this year. It literally solves 90% of all my cloth-related problems. When I go to the dance studio, I throw this on with my black leggings as a base layer, I just have to take off my skirt and I am good to go within seconds. The material is stretchy but very fitted and I love how the fabric feels on my skin, I also how it looks on me and how it emphasizes my slim arms and my small waist. The fabric is very thin but it is not see through so I can wear my cropped wrap tops and all my see through tops over it without looking frumpy. I love a fitted look so I can wear it on its own with a pleated dark navy skirt or a black pencil skirt (my favorite) as well. It is a 10/10 and I have already purchased many more in various colors and this is the type of thing I never knew I needed.

Love, Cat.

#hypergamy #hypergamous #hypergamous beauty tips #hypergamous beauty #hypergamy tips #leveling up #level up #glow up #high maintenance

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littlemissjrgd · 1 year

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03/02/2023: Marvelous March

I am slowly deteriorating, please send help!

It all started in January 2020, I started having headaches that are hard to bear and sometimes lasts for days. I initially thought it was my eye, so I had my eyes checked. I also thought that my prolong computer use was the issue but it’s weird because I’ve never experienced this much pain in the past and I have worked behind the computer since 2012.I felt scared because I thought I have a brain tumor, given my family history so I asked my primary care physician to order an MRI for me. I had an MRI, but she did not find anything, as it turns out I suffer from chronic migraines. I was given some pain pills and was sent out the door. It magically disappeared when I started working from home which was good.

Then, when I turned 30, I was diagnosed with having hormonal imbalance. I found out about it when I bleed for 3 months. Not sure, how long I’ve had it because if I didn’t bleed for 3 months I wouldn’t have gone to the doctor and have it checked. Looking back, I just realized that maybe all the painful zits and breakouts that I had since I got my period was related to this, maybe the dysmenorrhea as well.

In August 2021, I started going to therapy due to my generalized anxiety disorder diagnosis.

In November 2021, I found out that I was suffering from severe dry eyes after visiting an optometrist due to severe eye pain. That same optometrist decided to quit on me because he said that my case was too difficult for him to handle. But it was okay because he sent me a referral to go see an ophthalmologist for better assessment.

In April 2022, I found out that I have Plantar Calcaneal Spur (Heal Spur) and Plantar Fasciitis on both my feet. I found out about this after accompanying my aunt for one day and we spent the whole day walking around. Days and weeks have passed, and I was still having feet pain, so I went to the Dr. for a consultation, and I got an X-Ray, I was expecting the Dr. to say oh you just need to get some rest and maybe a foot massage, but boy I was wrong. I came out feeling so shaken because I was prescribed a pain pill that I haven’t heard of, I was told to wear shoes with arch support, and I was told that if I am ready, I can get a surgery.

In September 2022, I found out that I was pre-diabetic. It all started when I started seeing an unusual number of skin tags on my neck and when I went to the dermatologist I was told that it could be Acanthosis Nigricans(AN), it is a condition that is linked to diabetes and before she does anything, she wanted me to get a lab test to be sure and that is what I did. 24 hours later my primary physician contacted me and told me that I was pre-diabetic. Prior to the lab test, I had an episode at home where in I woke up feeling really woozy, I got up to pee, but I was too woozy so I fell, as it turns out my sugar went really low. Currently, I am not taking any medications to manage my diabetes, I was just trying to be mindful about what I eat, and I exercise. I don’t drink soda and eat chocolate as much as I did before my diagnosis.

Last month, February 2023 I experienced some gum soreness, initially I thought that it was just because of a Taco chip irritation as it turns out my 6-year molar (tooth #3) had to be extracted. It came as a shock because I have always practiced good oral hygiene and I visited the dentist regularly.

I am not really sure why I wrote an entry about all of my diagnosis in the last three years. I have no reason other than to keep track of it. I also just want to pour my heart out and let everything out of my chest because I am only in my early 30s, but I feel like I am slowly falling apart. I feel so young to have all these issues in my medical history. I haven’t even mentioned the chronic back pains. I wonder how many 30-year-olds are going through the same thing.

Anyhow, if you are going through the same things that I am, I wish you well and I want to let you know that you are not alone.

If you are reading this, I hope that you always choose to be kind, in a world where you can be anything I hope you always choose to be kind because you never know what people are going through. Some people may look okay and well on the outside but deep inside the pain that they are feeling is insurmountable.

I am not going to lie there are days where I do not feel 100%, there are days where I just try to get by, to survive because I have no other choice.

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jaimiewillgoplaces · 1 year

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Corona Del Mar, California

I am slowly deteriorating, please send help!

In August 2021, I started going to therapy due to my generalized anxiety disorder diagnosis.

Anyhow, if you are going through the same things that I am, I wish you well and I want to let you know that you are not alone.

I am not going to lie there are days where I do not feel 100%, there are days where I just try to get by, to survive because I have no other choice.

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7wanderingpaws · 3 years

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Mess We Made - first (m)

Pairing: Baekhyun x reader

Genre: arranged marriage au (not bbh), doctor AU, highschool AU (first chapter only), university AU, fluff, ANGST

Words: 9.4K

WARNINGS: mature content, unprotected sex, cheating (not bbh), terrible family relations

Quick A/N: Finally, the anticipated full story for this drabble is coming! This will have more chapters! I am a bit self-conscious about this one. But I think it is a good challenge to grow as a writer. Hopefully it worked. Please let me know what you thought? ^^

Plot: You were willing to put the both of you through suffering without realizing you might hurt Baekhyun's feelings in the process. Even though he was yours, you were never his. And he would not stand in the way anymore.

tags: @byunfirstlady (hope you dont mind the tag; you were interest and since its been ages I tagged you to let you know 🥺 if you want to be tagged/untagged please reply to this post)

parts: first -- second -- third -- fourth (final)

Mess We Made, part 1

“Psst,” you heard from your right side as you walked through the corridors of your high school. Before you even managed to look in the direction of where the sound came from, a hand grabbed you, swiftly bringing you into the darkness of the corner, the cold wall pressing into your back. Baekhyun came into view with his breath-taking smile as his lips hovered over yours, stretched out in a mischievous smile. “It's me.”

Instantly, you grinned, mimicking his wide smile. “I was looking for you.”

“Well, I found you first,” he whispered, and leaned in, pressing his lips to yours in a gentle manner.

He had been your boyfriend since the second half of the first year in high school. You were now both seniors, ready to graduate and enter your chosen universities. You both chose the same one, the idea of not being able to see each other too ugly to risk going to different schools.

You felt Baekhyun's hands slide down your sides, reaching the hem of your short uniform skirt and his feather-like touch made you squirm and laugh right into his mouth. He followed suit with giggles. “It tickles,” you said, and looked into his smiley eyes.

He hummed, though didn't stop his wandering hand as he massaged the upper part of your thigh, the touch sending trembles down your legs, your heartbeat growing frantic. “But you like it. When I touch you there.”

Your breath hitched in your throat, growing red. “Yeah. But only when it's you.”

These final months in high school were those moments when boys were becoming very horny, the skirts of the uniforms girls had to wear driving some of them crazy. Baekhyun, thankfully, wasn't as affected, though you were thinking if it was because he already had access to you. You would tear his head off if he tried to touch another girl, but he just wasn't that type of a guy.

Same went for you, too. Baekhyun had a sharp gaze and if he saw a guy trying to lift your skirt up, he would just deal with them in his hapkido language, and nobody wanted that. Baekhyun was a literal martial arts superstar of the school. And also a terrible nerd. He was cool and nerdy. What a combo.

While that was him, the smiling, mischievous boy many girls grew a humongous crush on, you were the more unfortunate one, though many would immediately disagree. A daughter to a huge business company, money was something that was never an issue, to put it lightly. Having your own personal driver, needing to attend pilates classes to keep your form, visiting a dermatologist at least twice per month, eating small portions… everything that would scream rich, was basically you, as much as you hated it.

The reason for your hatred was simple: you didn't belong to Baekhyun's world. Likewise, he didn't belong to yours. But how would that define anything, when both of you were literally all over each other at any given opportunity, feelings too strong to fight them? Did social status really mean something? Baekhyun was studying hard to become a doctor, wanting to bring children to this world, and he had one of the best grade averages in the entire institution. Meanwhile, you, of whom it was highly expected of, didn't have it like him. Studying was not exactly your forte, and you ended up following your parents requirements of applying for business school, so that you would study something that was running in the family. As long as they did not intervene in your relationship with Baekhyun, you would accept and agree to anything. But Baekhyun was untouchable. No matter what would happen, it couldn't, by any means, include him and you always made sure about it.

“'Cause you are mine,” he murmured in your ear seductively, and you melted in his arms.

“That, I am. Always,” you replied breathily, standing on your tiptoes to crash your lips on his before anyone could catch you not spending the break outside of the building.

You just wanted to spend time with him before your family would whisk you away from him, like they always did. Rarely have you had the power to decide your free time, sitting at your father's meetings, mothers cocktails, boredly listening to conversations about money transactions that made you feel uneasy.

“Plans for tonight?” he asked as he gave your thigh a final squeeze before letting go, patting your skirt back down to its normal form.

You hummed, leaning back on the wall lazily, your chest pushed out. “Grandparents are coming over. From mother’s side,” you said, already tired at the idea of the dreadful encounter.

Baekhyun nodded, though you could sense he was a bit disappointed. He never said anything, though. It was safe to say he was used to the way things were working with your family. After all, it had been two years by now. Two years of your relationship. And with each passing moment, the both of you seemed to grow even fonder of each other. He never complained. He loved you.

“Sorry,” you sighed again, closing your eyes for a moment when you felt his palm on your cheek that forced you to open them again, his gaze gentle. He leaned in, nudging you with his nose.

“There is nothing to be sorry about, love.”

“Of course there is,” you replied passionately. “I really want to spend more time with you, Baekhyun.”

“You will. We will be together. Once university starts-”

“Can you understand that you consume my thoughts every second? And when I am not with you, the time just drags and it's like a small hell because I cannot see your face-”

Baekhyun kissed you, interrupting your small outburst. You moaned quietly, shyly, bringing him closer by his tie. He played with your lips, teasing you with his tongue, but he wouldn't go further than that. You were in school and as much as he was mischievous, he wouldn't go that far. “I love you,” he whispered.

You smiled brightly. “I love you, too.”

“And I will wait for you no matter how long it takes, okay? Don't feel sorry. I should study anyway,” he shrugged nonchalantly as if it really weren’t a big deal.

You smiled proudly while massaging his ear with your hand. “Always responsible, my prince.”

Just like you knew he would be, your driver was waiting for you, his face typically devoid of any emotions as you trudged to the school gates, ignoring the snickering gazes of students scattered around the entrance. Baekhyun was with you, hand in hand and just before you would reach the car, you stopped to kiss him goodbye.

“Text me,” you demanded, looking into his eyes.

He nodded, and his long hair fell into his eyes. “I will.”

Not wanting to let go just yet, you took the opportunity and brushed his soft hair out of his eyes while he gently gazed into yours.

“Promise me you won’t go against your parents,” he said suddenly, his voice quiet and hushed.

You focused on him, slowly retreating your hand from his hair. “What do you mean?” you asked, despite having a very good hunch. He knew your family very well, if not from what you have told him already, then from the experiences of when you would bring him home to study together and his parents would be cold and heartless, especially to you, not accepting your relationship with Baekhyun at all.

He sighed and looked somewhere else for a moment, letting the surroundings absorb in his mind before facing you. “I don’t want something happening to you. It just seems to me that the more you go against them, the more they will push you, mentally or physically. And I don’t want that.”

His worries made you feel warm. Someone actually cared for your well-being, unlike other people you were blood-related to. “I will be a good girl, hm?” you murmured, hearing your driver opening his door to get out, obviously impatient. “I will obey. For you.”

Baekhyun nodded and pressed a kiss to your forehead. “That’s the talk. Now go, before Mr Lee loses his cool,” he said, stepping away from you and nudging his head towards your driver who already opened your car door, obviously urging you to hurry.

You pressed your lips together and waved at your boyfriend one more time before turning and sliding inside the car, the door shutting loudly behind you, voicing the driver's dissatisfaction with your attitude.

Even if you wanted to wave at Baekhyun, you knew he wouldn’t see you. The windows were completely black.

You were dressing up for the dreaded dinner when your mother entered your room. Without knocking, of course. She looked at your dress of dark-red colour combined with a cute black bow on your back. The A skirt was hugging your curves just the right way and the hem stopped in the middle of your thighs that were covered in black stockings. Stylish, you thought.

“Slutty,” was what she said, frowning, her forehead wrinkled into three layers of skin. “Change it.”

You looked at her from behind your shoulder, sending her a poker face before facing your mirror again. “I like it. I won’t change it.”

Your mother sighed, crossing her arms over her chest. “You’re ridiculous. Who are you dressing up for? Your lover boy isn’t coming tonight.”

“And whose fault is that?” you fired back, hating whenever they as much as mentioned him. He was too good to be pronounced in their mouths. “It ain’t mine, mother. So stop irking me!”

“Watch your tone,” she said in a low voice before sighing deeply and shaking her head. “Listen. Your grandfather and grandmother will be here soon, so change. You know they are very conservative.”

“I’m not even showing skin,” you muttered, frustrated.

“You’re still a high school student. You aren’t supposed to be looking like this.”

Swiftly turning around, you walked to her slowly. “I’m not supposed to be having a chest? A butt? I am still growing, you know. Out of all people, you should know.”

“You have those because you eat more than you should and thanks to your boyfriend you are more horny than it’s okay for someone your age which leads you to have a big appetite,” she deadpanned. “So cover yourself up. This is not a strip club.”

Your mouth fell open, complete disbelief widening your eyes. She must have not been serious. But you knew she was, so what was more annoying was the fact that you still got angry and you still fought back, despite knowing their preferences for years. You tried to ignore the sting in your chest when she talked about food and about the way your body naturally worked. You were a hormonal teenager. Why couldn’t she understand?

Quickly remembering the promise you made to Baekhyun, you collected yourself and, although in pain, you nodded. But before you could answer, your mother continued: “Besides. Given the nature of our get-together today, you do need to look more responsible.”

That made you frown in confusion. “What does that mean?”

She smiled, though it was rather smug than anything else. “You will find out soon enough.”

“Mum!”

“Change,” she commanded, something dark flashing in her eyes before she walked out of the room.

Annoying tears burned in your eyes, and you quickly grabbed your phone, wanting to complain to Baekhyun, but he beat you to it and you found messages from him sent only a couple of minutes ago that immediately pacified your wild emotions.

i’m thinking of you ❤️ always

even now

and even now

and now too

gorgeous 😘🥰

You smiled through your tears, the need of wanting to be with him growing by tenfold. He melted all the negative emotions you had in yourself and you sat down on your bed, your eyes scanning the texts, the emoticons, and then the picture you had for him. He was being silly on it, wearing your sunglasses and pretending to be a girl group member looking seductive.

With a final look, you nodded to yourself, determined to follow what you had promised.

Changing into a white shirt politely tucked into a black pencil skirt with your hair strictly tied into a knot, you looked like any worker in your father's company; not standing out, conservative and a little bit numb.

Only one thing was eating you away as you made your way downstairs to the huge dining hall, your parents already welcoming your grandparents whose eyes gave you a strict look over.

The nature of this dinner.

What could that be?

All of the dinners had something into it. Your parents never did anything just for the sake of doing it. If there wasn’t something profitable in the action, they would never bother. But what did they want from your grandparents?

“Oh, finally you decided to show up. What are these manners, letting your old folks wait for you, hm?” Your grandmother’s words sounded like crow’s wailing. Annoying, terribly annoying.

“Excuse me. Had to dress up properly for your company,” you replied in a calm tone, not paying attention to her nagging. You walked up to them and bowed politely, respecting them.

Your grandma scoffed, frowning at you while your grandfather’s eyes crinkled up a bit in a small smile, though he didn’t say anything besides nodding once to acknowledge your polite greeting.

“Let’s just sit, shall we?” your father voiced, motioning to the prepared dining table adorned in a cream table cloth. “Before the food gets cold.”

“Yes, yes, we have things to discuss anyway,” rasped your grandmother as she sat down.

Your father was at the head of the table while your mother and you sat on his right, your grandparents on the opposite site. You ended up facing your grandfather for which you were thankful. He was one of the less evil. In fact, he barely ever showed any interest in the happenings around the dirty business your family was involved in.

Now that you thought about it, you didn’t know about him and your evil grandma. You had been secluded from any warm interaction since young age, so you never even bothered asking how they met and how they fell in love. How did grandfather even deal with someone like her was beyond your understanding.

Once your mother started talking in her superior tone, you concluded that your grandfather still managed to raise up someone like your mother. He probably wasn’t any better than the rest of the family.

“We have been in close contact with the rival company,” she started and you suppressed the need to roll your eyes.

Servants put all the food in front of you; seaweed soup, lots of side dishes, meat, fish, rice, rice cakes and corn tea. You usually liked the food but given you had to listen to another business talk, you lost your appetite.

“Their son is already in his thirties, so they requested the marriage as soon as our daughter is out of high school.”

You jumped in your seat, knocking your knee in the table rather painfully. You didn’t have time to curse and look at your mother, who continued talking as if nothing was happening: “Obviously we need to finish this deal before any more losses could happen to our business. Their company is overflowing with profit-“

“What are you talking about?” you snapped, not watching your tone that came out rude.

Your father frowned. “Your attitude is honestly disappointing. How can you talk to your mother in that to-“

“I am not getting married to anyone!” you shouted, growing hot-headed, your knee throbbing in pain. “I-I have a university to attend soon! How can I marry before getting a degree?! And I have a boyfriend-“

Your mother laughed drily. “How on earth can you even consider that boy?” she said, looking at you with utmost calmness. “He is just a middle-class boy.”

Your grandmother and father joined her in chuckles. “Don’t be silly,” said your grandmother. “It’s just a high school crush. It’s always about experimenting and not understanding what love is. Silly teenager stuff.”

“What do you know about love?” you asked doubtfully, turning to your grandmother with a death glare to which she returned it back.

“How dare you question your elders?! Calm down this instant and listen!”

If it were possible, fumes would be coming out of your nose and ears. You couldn’t believe what you just heard was true. It couldn’t be. You wouldn’t allow it.

“Besides,” started your father in a scolding manner, “you are not good at studies. We agreed to let you attend the university you chose, but your studies will be fruitless since you didn’t study as you were told to. You aren’t a man either,” he scoffed and gave a side eye to your mother who now froze. “But that isn’t your fault that you weren’t born a man. That’s someone else’s.”

Completely at loss for words, you fell back in your chair, devastated at what you just heard. Not only he degraded you, but he now attacked your mother.

In a sudden need to defend your mother as a woman rather than as your parent, you snapped: “It’s the amount of sperm that a man manages to put into a woman that decides the gender. If it’s anyone’s fault that I am a girl, it’s yours!”

Everyone went silent at what you just said, your father so shocked his mouth hung open. He blinked a few times, regaining his posture but you were already standing up. “I am not marrying anyone! I already have a boy-“

“So you do all the dirty stuff with this boyfriend of yours and that’s why your mouth is so nasty!” came your father’s voice like a thunder.

“She needs to break up with him. He is no good influence on her,” butted in your grandmother nonchalantly as she slurped her seaweed soup.

You snapped your eyes to her, and to your grandfather who was frowning down at his empty plate.

“I won’t break up with Baekhyun.”

“Then keep your delusions up. But once you're out of high school, the ceremony will take place,” said your mother resolutely, sending daggers your way.

“I don’t want to do anything with your business,” you now said in despair. “I don’t want to own your company!”

Your father snickered drily in disgust. “You won’t own our company, daughter. You’re useless as it is, so we are going to merge the companies. That’s the only way we can save our hard work.”

You shook your hair. “No, I refuse!”

“You don’t have a choice,” shrugged your mother now turning back to her plate. “You can do whatever you want, but your fate is in our hands. That’s why,” she emphasized and looked at you, “for your own good, break up with your boyfriend. He is no good news. Save yourself the heartbreak. He is with you for the money anyway.”

You stood frozen, keeping the gasp in. Tears were spilling out of your eyes and you turned around, running back to your room, sobs leaving your mouth.

You always knew your family was a nightmare - cold, scary, emotionless. But this was too much for your young self.

All you wanted was warmth, safety and honest emotions.

All of those were what Baekhyun offered you.

He was more than just a boyfriend.

He was love.

That night, you didn't call Baekhyun, instead deciding to text him back to let him know that everything went fine. He was studying anyway, and if you wanted something, it was for him to become successful in a field that he was passionate about. Unlike you, who barely had any hobbies, let alone passions.

Finally crying yourself to sleep around 3am, your alarm went off too early in the morning, a strong headache first thing you felt as you turned off the blaring thing.

Sighing, you fell back on the comfortable pillows, their lavender smell engulfing your senses and momentarily offering a calming pat on your headache. Closing your eyes, you felt your eyes well up again, the idea of having to break up with Baekhyun just not adding up in your mind. How could you do that? Why would you deprive yourself of the only source of light you had in your life? For someone you never even met. Someone who seemed to be much, much older than you.

“I'm not doing it,” you whispered into the stillness of your room, your voice hoarse. Tears slid out of your eyes and down your sides until they tickled your ears. “I'm not.”

And with that, you faced your day; you washed up, put on your uniform, packed the necessary books and headed out, not saying your morning greetings, nor eating breakfast. Ignoring your surroundings, you went out not even waiting for your driver. You decided you will take the mundane route to school that day: bus and metro like Baekhyun did everyday.

“Hey, are you okay?” Someone’s fingers appeared in the line of your vision. Fingers all too familiar.

You looked up to see a worried Baekhyun, his shirt untucked and his tie loosen-up around his neck giving him the typical goofy, laid-back look that lived up very well to his personality. You managed to smile. “Yeah, just tired. Didn’t get to sleep much.”

“And why is that?” he asked, taking the closest seat to yours, looking around to check if the owner of the seat wasn’t there. When you pursed your lips, debating what to say, he added gently: “What is bothering you, hm? You know you can tell me.”

Releasing probably the nth sigh of that day, you closed your eyes for a moment before looking at him. “Let’s talk after school maybe. It’s not something to discuss here.”

Baekhyun nodded but you saw the rapid thinking his mind drifted off to. He could sense trouble, especially with your family. “Alright, let’s do that. But your driver-“

“He didn’t drive me to school, so he won’t be driving me from school,” you said in a monotone and Baekhyun raised an eyebrow at that.

“How did you come to school?”

You shrugged. “Like you do everyday. Public transport.”

Slowly, his mouth stretched to a soft, lopsided smile, his hand reaching out to caress your cheek with the back of his fingers. “Enjoyed it?”

You mimicked his smile, his touch easing up the tension you couldn’t get rid of since last night. “Yeah, thoroughly. Only you were missing. Then it would be perfect.”

His smile only grew and you turned your head slightly, kissing his hand before he retracted it, keeping the eye contact while he kissed the same spot your lips touched on his hand.

You watched in small awe and you giggled when he added a louder smooch. “You’re unbelievable.”

He let out a laugh, standing up when the bell rang. “But you love me.” He squeezed your shoulder.

“That I do.”

After that, you couldn’t focus any more in any of the classes. Once again it was proved that you wouldn’t be able to even imagine your life without Baekhyun next to you. Yes, the idea of marriage was scary but you’d marry him. In an instant.

Finally coming up with a way to make something out for yourself and of that damn deal your parents made, you slipped out of the classroom as soon as the bell rang announcing the end of your last class of that day. Quickly pulling out your phone, you hid in the toilets and dialed your mother's phone who lazily picked up after countless attempts.

“What.”

So you were still in a war zone. “If I am to get married,” you started without further ado, “he can not touch me. And I won’t be breaking up with Baekhyun.”

It was silent for a moment before your mother let out a laugh. “Oh, honey. We do want you to finish university first before anything else will happen.”

She didn’t add anything more which confused you. “Okay, either way, I won’t be breaking up with Baekhyun.”

“Do whatever you deem correct. Though I bet he won’t like you getting married to someone else? Didn’t you always say how loyal he was?”

You grit your teeth. “Why do you suddenly care about his loyalty?” you hissed, pacing in the small toilet space. “That isn’t your business. You will always get what you want and I already said I will comply but on my terms.”

“Your terms are cheating on your husband? Or on your boyfriend? I really don’t know where this attitude comes from in you. Neither me nor your father are like that-“

Before she could finish, you burst out laughing. “What? You aren’t like that? Don’t be delusional, mother. You’re trying to marry me off for your own profit!” you exclaimed, raising your voice. “The only thing I am asking - no, I am going to do it whether you like it or not. I will be with Baekhyun. I’ll be with him until he breaks up with me.” Because there was no way you would do it.

Your mother was silent for a moment and then she sighed. “Do as you want. As long as you sign the papers…” she trailed off. “I have a meeting now. Let’s discuss once we are home.” And she ended the call.

You realized you were trembling only when you finally let your hand dangle next to your body, already tired from the fights.

At least she didn’t say anything against the idea.

You took it as a positive sign.

You didn’t go home that night. Baekhyun suggested to sleep over at his house and you gladly agreed. It wouldn't be the first and certainly not the last time. His parents knew you well and you always felt their warm welcome whenever Baekhyun brought you home with him. His mother was a great cook and whenever you saw her, you were reminded of Baekhyun's kind smile.

“Are you staying for the night?” asked his mother with a laugh when you greeted her with a polite bow.

You smiled shyly, nodding and looking up at Baekhyun who was gazing down at you encouragingly. “Yes, if that is okay, auntie.”

“Of course! It's Friday night anyway. My son just keeps studying and not living his young life properly so please, be our guest.”

“Thank you,” you smiled and she said she would prepare a late dinner for you while you and Baehyun went to his room to change into something more comfortable.

“Could you borrow me some of your clothes?” you asked once in his room as you were working on unbuttoning your uniform's shirt and watched shirtless Baekhyun roam in his drawer for your favourite shirt of his.

“Here you go,” he said, coming up to you with the shirt and joggers, but instead of handing them to you, he just put them on the bed and mumbled a soft: “Let me.”

His fingers took over the unbuttoning process, and you closed your eyes at the feathery touch of his hands as he uncovered more skin. When he was reaching your stomach, he paused and you cracked your eyes open, finding him gazing at you intently before his eyes fell to the middle of your breasts that were exposed. He unbuttoned the last two buttons swiftly and then pushed his hands inside the shirt, dragging his fingertips over your hips and waist, tapping each bone of your ribcage until he slid his hands up to your shoulders, sliding the material off. “You want to keep your bra?” he asked, almost as if he wasn't breathing loudly, mimicking your rapidly rising and falling chest.

Shaking your head gently, you mumbled a soft no before he nodded in acknowledgement and with one hand unclasped the bra. He stepped even closer, your nose almost touching his broad and very naked chest. You felt his breath on your cheek as he whispered, pulling on the straps of your bra: “May I?”

Swallowing harshly, you nodded and looked up at him to find his fiery gaze intently set on you. When he pushed the straps off your shoulders and your bra fell to the floor, you shivered at the cool air hitting the hot skin as Baekhyun's fingers were back again, dragging them from your back through your underarms until he reached the sides of your breasts. His breathing was irregular, hot puffs hitting your face while you whimpered softly, egging him on to finally grab you.

“You're so beautiful,” he whispered shakily and you let out a loud sigh when he finally took a hold of your mounds, squeezing them gently in his palms.

You brought your arms around his neck, stretching the skin on your chest and you kissed him hungrily, the heat in your core growing almost painful for not being satisfied as you so badly wished you would be.

Baekhyun pushed his tongue into your mouth, going for a dirty kiss right away as he gave a final, stronger squeeze to your breasts before letting them go, bringing his hands down to your backside, bunching up your skirt in lust. He let out a satisfied moan when he grabbed the meat, his finger momentarily sliding inside and between your thighs. You were fast to break the kiss, needing air and also needing to whine because you needed him so badly.

His naked torso pressed now to yours, his hands cheekily teasing you and grabbing you, he was all about games.

“Baekhyun, the food is ready! Come quickly before it gets cold!” shouted his mother down the hallway, thankfully not coming to Baekhyun's room. You froze in his arms nonetheless to which he chuckled.

“Relax,” he murmured, pressing his face into your neck. “She knows not to disturb when my door is closed and you are with me.”

Letting out a breathy laugh, you let go of him just when he did.

“Once we are back,” he said, helping you put on his big t-shirt. “I will take care of that wetness down there. Seems pretty severe.”

You quirked an eyebrow, looking at the tent that was asking for attention over his joggers. “You sound so unaffected.”

He looked down just where your eyes were set and chuckled as if it was nothing. “Oh, sweetie, it's always like this when I'm with you. I just can't help it,” he said and leaned in, biting your earlobe. “You bring out the man in me.”

Everything was a long lost dream and you should have known it. Things you imagined and desired were not what the reality had in store for you, and it just made it more difficult for you to face Baekhyun. Even when you went on the last high school trip where you had the biggest fun, made the most exciting memories, sneaking behind the group to steal a small kiss, even all of that was not able to lighten up your damp mood. Somehow, it was possible for you to fake it, but you would have been dumb if you ever thought Baekhyun believed your words or smiles. He could sense trouble from miles and given the nature of your family, he was always well-aware of how many troubles could grow overnight in your household. He just wouldn't know the severity of the problem. And you weren't planning to tell him, just like you promised yourself and your mother, not until Baekhyun would break up with you.

And right now, it was your graduation day.

The D-day had come when you would have to say goodbye to all your friends, even the fake ones, and you would be a little closer to losing Baekhyun. Except you wouldn't know it would happen that fast.

“Congratulations!” squealed Baekhyun's mother who was fast to hug Baekhyun and you both at the same time, squeezing you to her chest. Your face was pushed into the colourful bouquet of flowers that smelled wonderfully - but from a distance. You tried to squeeze your eyes shut but you just looked down, catching Baekhyun's worn-out converse sneakers.

Baekhyun snorted a laugh when he saw your face in the freezias, and gently pushed you away from his mother to protect you. As you straightened up, you managed to scrunch your face just in time to sneeze.

“Oh dear, I'm so sorry,” giggled Baekhyun's mother and even his father chuckled from behind her which made your heart warm up.

“It's alright, auntie,” you waved your hand, feeling your eyes watering up but you laughed nonetheless because - how could you ever be mad at such a sweet woman who was the only person on Earth to have the right to call Baekhyun hers? As much as you wished, you were nowhere near close to have the right for him to be yours. And maybe you would never be. “Looking at you, I wonder how was my son able to sweep you off of your feet! You're so beautiful!”

You smiled shyly and felt Baekhyun's soft gaze on you, ready to reach out for your hand before his mother pushed the bouquet into his arms. “This is for you, son, and this is for you, my dear,” she said, giving you one as well.

Just when you were about to thank her politely and bow, your mother's cold voice interrupted the merry atmosphere, your happy smile dying down as you turned to face her, your father and a- stranger? A man, to be exact.

“Here you are,” she said, sending a cold smile towards Baekhyun's parents, ignoring your boyfriend altogether. She stepped closer so she wouldn't be overheard, and muttered: “I guess your wishes will come true soon.” She leaned back and you followed her with your eyes as she stepped aside. “Mr Kwon, please meet my daughter,” she introduced you before continuing, “and this is Mr Kwon Minheob, your fiancée. Greet him properly!” she ordered but you didn't even process what she said.

Standing frozen, your arms were about to let go of the bouquet you just received were it not for Baekhyun who was fast enough to get the flowers out of your grasp. “Oh, that's great news! I'll take these for you!” he exclaimed with a smile and you looked at him with pure horror in your eyes. “Congrats by the way! I will miss you as my classmate!” he added and quickly bowed to your parents. “I'll see you around someday!” And with that, he turned and left.

In that instance, many things were swirling around in your brain - complete, utter shock, overwhelm, fear, heartbreak. What did Baekhyun just do? Why did he say that? And where was he going-

“Nice to meet you,” said the older male with a deep voice. You turned your stare back at him, hearing your heart beating in your ears. “What a pleasure to finally meet you. I have heard a lot about you and your studies. It is so nice of you to lower yourself and your status and attend a regular high school with ordinary people. I believe we will have a lot in common.” He finally uncrossed his hands from behind his back and you found a pastel pink bag dangling off of his somewhat thick fingers. “And this is my congratulatory present for you. Congratulations on graduating high school.”

Once again, you just stared at the bag, unable to make your own hand move and accept the gift with a polite bow like you were expected to. The only thing ringing in your mind was Baekhyun and him only. He found out much sooner than he was supposed to and you hated yourself because he was most probably hating you right now. What was worse - his parents were there, too. They all saw it when it all seemed like you were just about to stay with their son forever. Yet, your family, as always, ruined it all and you weren't sure if you would recover.

Looking up to the tall, grown man, it didn't take you a lot to know he was far from anyone you could have feelings for, ever. The words he just spoke, the malice he said them with, was everything you were standing for. Obviously, he was no one you could have things in common with.

Your father stepped next to you and, painfully, pinched your side, making you gasp and automatically reach out for the gift with a low bow. His fingers were squeezing your skin through your dress and it rushed tears in your eyes, but you blinked them away while accepting the gift and staring at the polished shoes of Kwon Minheob.

“Nice to meet you,” you mumbled, straightening up. The gift bag felt heavy in your hand but you tried not to pay too much attention to it. Eventually, your father also removed his hand from your back and he gave you a pressed smile, though you didn't look at him. “Congratulations, our daughter. Now we can go all to our house and have a good di-”

“I'm sorry, but I still have, eh, friends to greet and meet,” you said, “we also all agreed to have our last meal together as a class,” you added, looking up to meet your father's eyes. You weren't lying; the entire class wanted to meet and have chicken and beer. Preferably spend the time loudly somewhere in a good restaurant.

He shot you a dissatisfied scowl, but you held his gaze. “Until when? You won't be meeting them anyway, why waste time?”

“Exactly,” pressed your mother and smiled brightly at Mr Kwon, who kept observing you with quite an unreadable expression. “And we have Mr Kwon to entertain.”

Quite literally you thought you would start wailing right then and there; everyone was going against you, nobody seeming to listen to your words. Just when you felt tears prickle your eyes, Mr Kwon spoke up and surprised all of you.

“That is not necessary,” he declared, giving a curt smile towards your parents, “she is still young and should enjoy her classmates one last time. I suppose it will be difficult to do it once they all go their own way,” he said in a diplomatic voice, looking at you the entire time. It took a lot in you not to flinch and shudder under his gaze. “So go and enjoy, miss, and I will meet you soon to have a more private conversation with you.” You nodded quickly, though blood was already draining from your face at the idea of what he suggested. Mr Kwon turned to your parents. “I will leave you to entertain your daughter and I will reach out soon.”

Before anyone else could say another word, he gave a short bow and disappeared in the mass of people.

“You do realize-” your mother started, but you were fast to push the bag into her chest, not caring whether she caught it or not, and dashing for the direction that Baekhyun disappeared into.

Of course you were aware how much you would get scolded once you actually faced your parents, but right now you couldn't care less. It was better to get scolded, but losing Baekhyun or even making him hurt just the tiniest of bits made you resent yourself.

And so you pushed past crowds, stopping to say hi, keeping an eye out for any coconut head out there with a family that shone brighter than yours would ever shine. Just when you were about to lose it and start straight up crying in the middle of the crowd, you felt a hand intertwining with yours and you just knew. He didn't turn you around, but you felt his body behind yours and it was you who turned, facing him with a scared expression.

“Baekhyun,” you whimpered. Seeing his kind smile made you want to slap him because why was he like that after what he heard?

“Hm? Want to tell me about it now?” he asked gently and combed your hair out of your face, his smile growing by an inch. “Pretty.”

You took a deep breath, shakiness overtaking your legs from unwanted pressure. “It isn't what you think it is.”

“Then what is it?”

“I don't want to marry him,” you said and this time, your tears rapidly grew in your eyes and were rolling down your cheeks. “I-I-I never… I mean, not yet. I did-didn't know he would come, I never saw him before and-”

“Shhh, calm down,” he hushed, bringing your face to his chest, hugging you to himself. “Let's talk about it another time.”

“No,” you said, hiccuping, “I am not losing you, Baekhyun.”

“You aren't.” “I'm not losing you,” you repeated, closing your eyes and pressing your face more into him, taking a deep breath of his scent, feeling up his warmth and presence. “I'm not losing you.”

He called your name gently. “It's fine. Don't cry, hm? You know I can't stand seeing you cry. I am not mad and I'm not going anywhere,” he whispered urgently into your ear.

“I just hate my family so much,” you mumbled into his chest. Baekhyun's shirt must have been stained by make-up by then, but neither of you cared. “And I don't want their terrible attitude to damage you.”

“It won't damage me. You are important to me, you. Look at me, hm? Look at me, darling.”

You sniffed and stepped away a little, tilting your head so you could see his kind eyes. He cooed, reaching up to run his thumbs under your eyes. “My little raccoon. Let's enjoy today, alright? Just us. And our classmates,” he added with a little laugh.

You smiled weakly, nodding. Anything Baekhyun wanted, he would get from you.

Your entire class hoarded into a chicken restaurant in Hongdae, the loud cheers and chatterings making many people turn in interest to look at you. You sat down around your girlfriends while you let, though reluctantly, Baekhyun join his pals. Even though you would exchange reassuring looks here and there, you still felt incredibly anxious about the incident earlier. In fact, you were so swallowed up by the idea of losing Baekhyun that you didn't even think about the actual fiancée, Mr Kwon.

But instead of focusing on that, you decided to enjoy tonight, for you knew events like these won't be coming up for you anytime soon. If anything, your freedom was close to gone.

“I am going to start my own clothing brand,” started one of your classmates that was sitting next to you, munching on her piece of chicken meat. She went on spilling many details that didn't add up in your brain, though you listened carefully to every word she said.

“You don't have your degree yet,” you replied eventually and took a gulp of your coke.

“Funny, coming from someone like you,” she snickered, “you can decide you want to own an island and you will.”

You sighed, rolling your eyes but your classmate just shrugged.

“I can assure you she won't,” came in Baekhyun's voice. “I know it pretty well, since I'm her boyfriend.”

The girls exchanged looks. They all had a secret crush on him, so his words made them a little embarrassed. “Would you even marry her?” they teased.

“I would. In a heartbeat,” was his answer and you looked at him with huge eyes, your mouth that was slightly oily from the chicken hanging open, your heart frantically beating in your chest.

The entire table hollored and whistled, and you caught your boyfriend smiling proudly at you, eventually sending a confident wink. He tapped his mouth with his index finger and then pointed at you. You felt your lips stretch instantly, because you knew he meant “close your mouth”.

“Whew, you really are lucky,” muttered the girl next to you, changing the topic completely.

His hand was intertwined with yours once again as you were slowly walking along the Han river. Ttukseom Han river park was, as always, busy with young people. It gave a great view on Gangnam and Cheongdam that were lying on the opposite side, the city lights of the tall buildings reminding you how life revolved around money and basically anything that smelled even the slightest of capitalism. You found yourself despising all of it.

“Cat stole your tongue?” muttered Baekhyun playfully into the chilly air as he swayed your connected hands.

“Just… thinking,” you replied and made sure your sides were brushing.

He didn't reply, instead letting silence overtake again, but you knew he was curious. He wanted to, and deserved, to know.

“Did you mean it?” you asked, looking at the dark water.

“Did I mean what?”

“That you would marry me in a heartbeat,” you said softly, scared to actually pronounce those words. They sounded so unnatural, for some reason, despite them mirroring everything you ever wanted in life. “What you said during dinner.”

“Yes, I meant it and you know it, too, sweetheart,” he said, shaking your hand.

You smiled to yourself. If you wouldn't spill the beans now, you would probably never find the guts to talk about the main issue that was simmering like the water in a pressure cooker. “My parents want me to marry that man for business. Something along merging their companies or whatever,” you started. “I found out a while ago but I was fighting them. And then you made me promise to obey,” you sighed, feeling the well-known dread eating up your insides, “and I had to agree. But I don't want to.”

“So that's why you weren't yourself,” he muttered more to himself than to you, and he stopped walking so he could look at you properly. When you wouldn't meet his eye, too ashamed, he put his index finger under your chin and made you tilt your head up. “Why didn't you just tell me from the beginning?”

“Baekhyun,” you whispered in disbelief, “how could I? It isn't some news about apples growing backwards.”

He chuckled. “Well, you have to admit, that would make the headlines.”

You giggled, rolling your eyes. “You know what I mean.”

He let out another chuckle through his nose and slid his hand up so he could cup your cheek lovingly while thinking over his next words. “When are you supposed to marry him?”

You swallowed. “Maybe after uni? I … I never wanted to talk to them, so I don't know exactly… I insisted after university graduation.”

He hummed, running his thumb over your lower lip, his gaze focused on the way he parted your lips. “So, we have four more years?”

You pursed your lips, not liking the idea of having limited time with Baekhyun. “Of course not. I will always be with you.”

He sighed, and eventually dropped his hand on your shoulder; you tried not to feel disappointed. “I think this is more complicated than you think, love.”

“How is it complicated, Baekhyun?” you asked stubbornly. “I love you. I saw that man today for the first time in my life. How can I marry someone I don't know and barely ever saw? He is almost twice my age, Baekhyun. You know this is not okay and you also know it doesn't make any sense.”

“And you know business is anything but emotions,” was his fast reply.

“I don't care about their business.”

“And they don't care that you don't care.”

“Bu-but I just don't care! I will be with you behind his back and-”

“And how would that make me feel?” he fired back, now both of you slowly getting heated up from the small exchange of opinions. Baekhyun just asked something you never wanted him to utter. If you were to talk about him, of course, he was the victim. He'd become a secret lover; the forbidden fruit.

When you didn't reply, he nodded, his hand falling off your shoulder. “I understand.”

“Baekhyun, let's talk about this step by step,” you tried, reaching for his hand which he, thankfully, didn't retreat. “We still have a long time until any of those things could even happen. Maybe it won't happen - and I will try my best not to let it happen. But let it not affect our present. Please,” you added with urgency, looking into his warm eyes.

When Baekhyun was troubled or sad, his eyes seemed to become even more down-ward than they already were. This time, it was no exception and you wanted to reach out and make the wrinkles go away but you didn't. “Let me just think this matter through, alright?” he murmured eventually.

You pressed your lips together and nodded while you stepped close to him, snaking your arms around his waist. He gladly took you in, letting out a deep sigh as he hugged you to him and kissed the top of your head. “It will be okay.”

“May I sleep at yours tonight?” you mumbled into his shoulder after a moment of silence. “I just cannot imagine going back to that hell.”

He rubbed your back gently. “Of course. My mum is already expecting us. We shouldn't disappoint her.”

You leaned back a bit and stood on your toes to press your lips to his. “You're the best.”

And so, after walking a little bit longer and enjoying the faraway noise of the busy roads and nightlife Seoul, you slowly made your way back to the metro station, heading for Baekhyun's house, and your safety.

The both of you were lying on his bed, his parents long asleep, the quietness of the apartment giving you a sense of safeness. Baekhyun had a book open on his lap while you were doodling something you weren’t sure what was yet. Manual work seemed to preoccupy your mind enough and sadly, even with Baekhyun next to you, you couldn’t find your peace of mind.

“Aren’t you tired yet?” whispered Baekhyun and looked at you, and on the paper to see what you were so focused on. “It’s already 1am. Your parents will want you home early-“

Your sigh interrupted him and you put down the pencil rather harshly as you sat up properly to face him. “Since when do you care about them? You know I will go home whenever I want to. I don’t care, so you shouldn’t either.”

“I don’t want you to get into trouble, okay?” he said back, his voice quiet but low. “There has been enough drama.”

“What worse can happen? They want me to let go of you. That is the worst punishment for me.”

Baekhyun’s gaze softened and he also sat up properly to face you. “I know. I can’t lose you either. And I wasn’t intending on that. I meant that they might lock you up and then I won’t be able to see you so soon, hm?” he murmured gently, his lips puckering with each word as he reached out with his hand to caress your cheek. You leaned into his touch right away. “I want to enjoy what we have now.”

You smiled gently when you recognized your previously uttered words and grabbed his hand that was cradling your cheek. “You know I would sneak out just to meet you if I were to be locked up.”

He rewarded you with a lopsided, handsome smile. “You shouldn’t, you little devil.”

You sighed and shimmied yourself closer until your knees were touching his. “Kiss me,” you whispered breathily, already eyeing his lips.

He observed you a little longer before his eyes dropped on yours. Softly smiling, he leaned in, now both of his hands on your neck to angle your face. The softest of touches was what you felt first before he pressed his lips harsher, moving his mouth against yours. Your hands snaked around his neck to urge him on while he opened your mouth and invited himself in. Without meaning to, you let out a satisfied hum that seemed to ignite Baekhyun because he pressed harder, slowly making you fall back on your back, head on the pillows.

He grunted as you spread your legs so he could settle himself there as your kiss grew dirtier, all tongues and teeth, battling for dominance. Your fingers were messing up his hair while his hands were touching you over the fabric of his pyjamas.

It was your whines and a couple of pulls on the hem of his shirt that made Baekhyun lean back so that you could undress in haste, both of you eager and very much horny. Finally feeling the hot skin of his chest press up against yours he was too eager and he already lined himself up at your center, needing the release without any foreplay.

“Just keep quiet, alright?” he reminded softly into your ear under which he placed the softest kiss before he started pushing in, your mouth falling open, but your juices doing a good enough job for his easy access.

You gasped rather loudly and he silenced you with a messy kiss, interrupting it with harsh pants on your mouth as his eyes were closed in focus, his forehead pressed against yours. You panted and tilted your head to chase his parted lips while he pushed himself in all the way, reaching the stillness that you very much needed.

Unable to take the pain, your eyes were squeezed shut, scratching Baekhyun’s back while the other hand fisted his blanket.

“Just a little longer,” Baekhyun whispered urgently, lips against your forehead, repeatedly puckering them in tiny butterfly kisses. “The pain will be all gone, I promise. I’ll make you feel like no one on this planet.” He moved the slightest bit, the friction making him hide his face in your neck and mouth at the skin.

Your heaving chest was pressing up against his and with his next movement, you felt the tingles of pleasure that he promised you just heartbeats ago. Giving Baekhyun the sign to move, he started rocking, already setting up a faster pace for he couldn’t wait any longer. Your influence on him was too strong, his emotions for you too overwhelming. In his eyes, you were so sexy, beautiful, sensitive, and absolutely alluring. It would be brutal if he had to hold back while having you underneath him.

Who did he try to lie to? He went absolutely crazy at the idea of him having to leave you for another man; some old dude who didn’t even know you. It might have been the reason why he grew relentless, pushing you into his mattress and snapping his hips, your face of pure ecstasy only fueling his passionate drive. He hated the entire situation. He didn’t want to share you. He never wanted to have a secret relationship with you. If he imagined a future, besides him becoming a doctor, it was your presence next to his the entire time.

Baekhyun was never one to be aggressive and stubbornly go against every rule, unlike you. In your relationship, he was the cold-headed one, the peace-maker, always fighting for what the brain said instead of the heart.

But right now, his heart was in despair, already feeling the beginning of a heart break. He thrusted into you with such passion you really couldn't contain your moans and he wasn’t sure he wanted you to keep quiet anymore. Let everyone know that you belonged to him.

He bit your skin just under your collarbones, tasting the sweat, and you gasped, fisting his hair which prompted him to grunt and reach your g-spot.

“Cum for me,” he whispered harshly, biting you again and then moving his face to push his tongue into your open mouth. “Cum for me and say my name.”

He didn’t have to tell you as you were already panting his name like a mantra that would bring you to heaven. Your walls were pleasurably stretched out, the throaty sounds he made bringing you over the edge. He followed soon after your breathy moans and your arching back that caused your breasts to press to his sweaty chest made him lose it.

His arms snaked in the space between your back and the mattress and he squeezed your body to him, hiding his face in your breasts that he mouthed and licked at sensually while feeling himself release.

With one last bite to your sensitive nipple, he moved to kiss you, your tired smile welcoming him. “I love you.”

You combed his hair away from his damp forehead. “I love you more.” But please don't leave me.

CuriousCat Ask box is also open! Or comments!💕

#exowritersnet #baekhyun fanfiction #baekhyun smut #baekhyun angst #baekhyun fluff #baekhyun au #baekhyun fic #baekhyun oneshot #baekhyun imagine #baekhyun scenario #exo fanfiction #exo smut #exo angst #exo fluff #mywritings #MWM

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fukurodianthus · 3 years

Text

Its just skin

Synopsis: Self-love is not something that comes to you naturally. Years of self-depreciation makes it difficult to grow into the habit of loving yourself despite of the scars peppered across your skin.

But with your fiancé, Tooru Oikawa, you find yourself stealing glances into mirrors quite often. It catches you by surprise when you find yourself...beautiful?

Pairing: Tooru Oikawa X fem!reader

Genres: tooth-rotting fluff , a lil bit of angst thrown in

Word count: 2.2k

Warnings: The reader suffers from body positivity issues and insecurities regarding her appearance.

Author’s note at the end!

(p.s. didnt proof read because im ✨lazy✨ might do it later when im feeling cute idk)

“Y/N-chan, can we leave already? We’re getting late for the party” Oikawa whined, tugging the sleeve of your shirt lightly.

“Tooru, stop being so impatient!” You pushed your whiny fiancé away and concentrated on covering up the acne scars and freckles peppered across your face with layers of concealer. No matter how much you tried, you could never make your skin look half as perfect as that of the girls who dominated your Instagram and YouTube feed. Every time you looked in the mirror, the taunting voices of your family members and friends would creep into your mind.

Oh my god! Whats wrong with your face?

Don’t you wash your face properly?

You’re never going to get married if you look like that Y/N! Do something about that face of yours!

Do you want me to recommend a good dermatologist to you?

No matter what the topic of the conversation was, people always found a way to bring up the topic of your skin condition in it. You could be talking about quantum physics for all they cared, they would somehow find a way to bring up the topic of your skin.

But they didn’t know all those sleepless nights you had spent on the internet looking for remedies, they didn’t know how you cried yourself to sleep every night, praying that you’ll somehow find that your skin had magically healed up when you woke up. But miracles didn’t happen in this world. At least for you, they didn’t.

You spent a humongous chunk of your salary buying medicines, serums, anything skincare specialists would recommend to you. But none of it could you fix you. Ultimately it all ended up in the trash and you ended up on the bathroom floor, sobbing as you looked into the mirror, face contorted with disgust and self-loathing.

But then, Oikawa Tooru stepped into your life. The first person who didn’t grimace as he looked at your face. He looked at it with childish wonder in his eyes, as if he was looking at something…beautiful? Every night, when you fell asleep in his arms, his fingers softly grazing your cheeks, you felt an unfamiliar warmth blossom inside your heart. If he could love you despite your flaws, what was stopping you from doing it?

But years of self-depreciation made it difficult to develop the habit of loving yourself. There are still moments when you found you yourself drowning in self-hatred.

Take the present moment, for instance.

No matter how much concealer you caked on your face, it didn’t look half as good as you wanted it to. You let out a frustrated groan as you plopped down on the bed. How could you go to the party looking like this, especially when Oikawa would be by your side? Everyone’s appearance paled in comparison to his flawless beauty. Then how could you, of all people, ever stand beside him as an equal? You knew everyone would be comparing you with him behind your back, their jealousy-tinged voices emphasizing on how someone like you didn’t deserve to be with him. You’d always be an undeserving lover for him in their eyes.

“What’s wrong, Y/N?” Oikawa’s voice was laced with heavy concern. “Do you feel sick? I told you to not eat that expired candy bar last night, but you didn’t listen-”

“Tooru, its not that. I think I look very fucking ugly right now and I can’t bear to look at myself in the mirror. I can’t go to the party right now, not when I’m feeling like this.” You buried your face in a soft cushion and let out a frustrated groan as you turned over on the bed.

“Y/N, did you start putting yourself down again?” You felt him plopping down beside you on the bed, wrapping his arms around your waist.

“Tooru, don’t lie to me, my skin still looks just as bad as ever.”

“You know, sometimes I wonder if astral projections are real.”

“What? Have you finally lost it?” Your widened eyes searched his face, trying to make sense of his words.

“If it was real, then I’d pull your soul out of your body make you look at your face through my eyes. Because there’s clearly something very fucking wrong with your eyes if you cannot see how damn pretty you are.” Tooru huffed, looking at you nonchalantly as if he was stating the obvious.

“Tooru-” you whimpered, turning on your side to face him.

Tooru and his horrible pickup lines.

Gosh, how can I not love him?

His chocolate-brown eyes softened as he pulled you into his chest. The sound of his heartbeat drowned all the cacophony of all the negative thoughts cluttering your mind.

“Y/N, I thought love at first sight was way too cheesy and corny to be real. But then, one day, back in high school, I saw Iwa-chan talking to you. You looked so fucking pretty, you know? The way you’d bite your lips when you were confused, the way you’d look down and let your hair cover your face whenever you were flustered, it was so damn adorable. I might have gone down on my knees right then, if Iwa-chan hadn’t been there. He’d beat the living crap out of me for playing my ‘disgusting tricks’ on his friend.” Oikawa took your hands in his and slowly drew circles on your palm with his thumb.

“Iwa wouldn’t have to beat you up, I’d do it without a second thought if you pulled any of that shit on me. I always found you very bratty, clinging to Iwa with that radioactive sweet smile of yours.”

“Wow, I was head over heels in love with you on first sight, while your first impression of me was that I’m a brat? No wonder you were Iwa-chan’s friend, you both are so mean.” He pouted, looking at you with playful annoyance.

“That was before I got to know you. Your brattiness started growing on me, gradually. Now I’m so used to it, I think I’d forget how to breathe if I didn’t hear your annoying voice every morning.” You chuckled at how his face kept getting redder with every insult that you threw at him.

“You’re used to my brattiness? Are you implying I’m still a brat?”

“Exactly. Looks like you do have a brain.”

“The most amazing setter on this planet doesn’t have a brain, is that what you’re trying to say?”

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but instead of asking me out on a date directly, you bugged Iwa to set us up on a date until he finally shouted at you in the middle of an English class, saying ‘Alright, Shittykawa, I’ll set you up on a date with Y/N, now stop running that fucking stupid mouth of yours.’ " You stole a glance at his face, savoring his flustered expression. "I’m right, am I not?”

Oikawa’s face reddened to the extent where it seemed that he would spontaneously combust at any moment.

"Tooru, c'mon, we both were emotionally constipated fools who could never ask each other out if Iwa hadn't stepped in." You softly ran your hands over his chest, savoring the warmth radiating from him. "Now stop pouting Brattykawa."

"You and Iwa-cha, both of you can never appreciate me before backtracking, huh?" He ran his fingers through your tangled hair, slowly massaging your scalp.

He knew it always calmed you down.

"Hey, did you really find me pretty that day?" You mind went back to how you looked the day when Oikawa first saw you. Greasy hair stuck to your face, cavernous dark circles covering your under eyes, face swollen as a result of pulling all nighters for a whole week. How could anyone, let alone Oikawa find you pretty when you looked like that?

"Can you not hold a conversation for 5 seconds without putting yourself down, huh?"

" I dont think I can Tooru. It still weirds me out that you, of all people found me beautiful when I looked like such a mess."

"Y/N I think we really need to try astral projections now-"

"Tooru, I'm serious-" You whined.

He chuckled, twilring your hair in his fingertips. "Y/N, after being with you for so long, I've realized something. You look for validation in the eyes of people who couldn’t care less about you. But when finally, someone who really cares for you and sees you as who you are tells you that they are truly beautiful, you brush it off. Why do you pretend that our compliments aren't heartfelt? Why are you so scared of being appreciated?"

Every day, when he saw you stealing glances into the mirror, he noticed how disappointment flashed across your face. He knew how you beat yourself up for not being pretty enough. You were never enough for yourself.

If your mind was a place, he’d waltz into it, shredding the self-destructive thoughts gnawing at you sanity into pieces. He’d untangle the mess inside your head, shattering the walls that bars genuine compliments reach your heart.

Oikawa wasn’t the best with words, not at times like this. But he’d give it his best.

He could feel the wet spots blossoming on his shirt, as you buried your face deeper into his chest.

"Oi! You dummy! Are you crying?"

"To-Tooru I just think th-that I d-don’t deserve your love because I'm not as good looking as-" You choked out in between an onslaught of sobs.

“Hey. Hey, look at me.” He cupped your flushed cheeks and lifted your chin up, his eyes scanning your face in concern.

“Those fucking stupid scars on your face don’t define who you are, okay? Its just skin, Y/N, you are so much more than just…a piece of skin, you know? Honestly, we’re all just bags of flesh and bones if you look at it that way. Do you think I loved you because you were a particularly pretty bag of flesh and bones?” Even though you found his analogy slightly funny, you noticed how his face lit up with passion so you refrained from making any sarcastic comments. He was trying his best.

“Continue, Tooru. I’m listening.”

“I love you because of who you are. I love the way your lashes flutter when we stargaze on the roof every night, I love you how your hair is a tangled mess when you wake up, I love how your puff your cheeks in annoyance when I stop you from over-drinking coffee every night, I love how you whine when you spend hours trying to get your eyeliner right, only to end up smudging it when you rub your eyes absent-mindedly, I love how your eyes light up when I put an extra spoonful of Nutella in your sandwich…gosh, I’m rambling, aren’t I?”

Your grip on his hoodie tightened. He looked at you, breathlessly, scanning your face for a reaction.

Your stared at your reflection in his chocolate-brown eyes, struggling to find the right phrases to express the way his words made you feel. You felt your heart race as if it was beating in pace with a rhythm set in by a drug-induced ecstasy.

What would you call this feeling of warmth that washed over you with every syllable he uttered?

“Thank you.” You wondered if you could’ve said anything better to express how much his words meant to you. God, where were a the fancy words you had learnt from corny YA romance books when you needed them?

But he didn’t need to hear your words to know that you’d been moved by his words. Fancy phrases could never tell him what the faint rosy glow of your cheeks could.

“Stop thanking me for stuff like this. It’s my duty, Y/N. I’m your fiancé for fuck’s sake.”

“You’re such a sap Tooru.” You giggled, squishing his cheeks softly.

“Yeah but you’re hopelessly in love with this sap, so deal with it.” His grip around your waist tightened as he nuzzled his face on your neck, his hot breath fanning across your collarbones.

“Now let me go Shittykawa, we have a party to attend.” You pried his arms off your waist and sat up.

“Babe, we’re about to get married in a few months, you really need to drop that stupid nickname.”

“Hmm, let me think.” Cocking your head to your side, you pretended to be immersed in deep thought. “Nope, not happening.”

“Don’t blame me for what happens next.” Oikawa sat up and tackled you to the bed, pinning your wrists by your side.

“Ooh, now that’s hot, Tooru”

“You know whats hotter Y/N?”

“What?”

“This.” He didn’t give you a chance to respond as his hands slid down to your waist. Your breath hitched in anticipation.

And then he started tickling you.

You broke out in an uncontrollable fit of laughter, kicking him, trying to get him to stop.

Two minutes later, you both lay side by side, panting, faces flushed with breathless fits of laughter.

You caught a glance of your face in the bedside mirror.

Even with your reddened face, tangled hair and smudged mascara, you looked…beautiful.

You felt beautiful.

As you nuzzled your face on his chest, the sound of his heartbeat rumbling in your ears, his words kept replaying in your mind.

“Its just skin, Y/N.”

Author’s note: ahhhhh I kinda wrote this in a flow?? Its a comfort fic/drabble???Idk what this is tbh. This is very self indulgent because I’ve suffered from skin problems(cystic acne ugh🤢) all my life, so I decided to comfort myself through this fic 🥺👉👈 . If only I had an Oikawa in my life 😩✋

N E ways, drink water, get enough sleep(lmao the irony that I’m saying this-) and remember to love yourself because you are beautiful!😤❤️I’ll come for your kneecaps if you put yourself down🤩🔪.

Reblogs would be highly appreciated!

#haikyuu #haikyuu angst #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu comfort #tooru oikawa #oikawa #tooru oikawa fluff #oikawa fluff #oikawa x you #oikawa x reader #oikawa x y/n #tooru oikawa x reader #oikawa x fem!reader #haikyuu x female reader #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu x y/n #hqradiostation

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krreader · 4 years

Text

BTS scenario → dating an “average” girl.

pairing: bts x reader fandom: bts warnings: / genre: angst ; fluff word count: 1.6k+

a/n: let me start off by saying that I really don’t like to use the word average, because I think everyone is special in their own way. now, I wasn’t sure whether you wanted this to be angsty or not, but I decided to mix it up and throw a little bit of both in there, which I hope you enjoy :)

kim seokjin

“I don't think I'll be a good work-out-buddy, Jin,” you nervously looked around, “And besides, people are looking at me.”

“Hey,” he quickly grabbed your chin and made you look into his eyes, “You pay attention to nobody but me, okay? None of these people here matter, only you and I do. And you work out as much as you can and once it becomes too hard or you don't feel like it anymore, you'll stop.”

You had often complained to Jin about your body, but had been too afraid to go into a gym on your own. So he had offered to go with you to one of the private ones that a lot of idols often used and to help you with the exercising.

It was a good deal at first, but now that you were actually here, you began to realize that you knew jack-shit about working out and that you'd probably make a fool out of yourself.

However, the moment that you started, you forgot everything around you.

Jin made this day extremely fun and every time you 'messed up', your boyfriend turned it into a funny situation that had you laugh and not blush from embarrassment.

Others were probably judging you, but you didn't notice.

All you could see was this man in front of you, loving you unconditionally the way you were now, but wanting to help you on your journey to self-love in any way he could.

min yoongi

Yoongi had once been so worried about what would happen once the media would find out about you and him, especially because of your previous hatred for yourself.

But you've worked on those issues. You've worked hard to love yourself the way you were, to accept that you'd never have that flat stomach because – surprise – your organs had to find a place somewhere in your body. To accept that you'd forever have acne scarring, which now reminded you of the hard times and made you appreciate the current, good times.

So whenever there was yet another blog post of a jealous fan bashing one of the things that you used to hate about yourself, you just nodded to yourself and said: “They're probably going through their own struggles right now. One day, they will get over it.”

Jealousy was a bitch, you've experienced that first hand.

But as you've finally come to accept yourself, you've realized that you had no reason to be jealous of others anymore.

You were happy with yourself.

Yoongi leaned against the door frame and watched you put your phone down, then grab your cup of coffee and watch the rain pour outside.

And all he could think of was: “You're the most beautiful woman on this planet. Thank you for finally having realized that yourself.”

jung hoseok

Hoseok walked into the living room after having taken a shower and found you scrolling through your Instagram, liking pictures of several girls that he was sure you had never seen or met before.

All girls that looked a certain way. ‘Perfect’, as you used to call them.

With a heavy sigh, he sat down next to you and said: “We talked about this. You don't need to look like this, you're pretty the way you are, you know?”

“I do,” you smiled at him, “But I still think they're pretty. And I know how important it is to tell someone they're beautiful. You never know what they’re struggling with about themselves at the moment.”

You've come a long way.

Two years ago, you would have looked at these pictures and beaten yourself up over it. You would have gone on a diet the next day, the hairdresser the day after and the dermatologists soon thereafter.

But now? Now you could look at these pictures and leave compliments under them that the original owner of the photo always liked and thanked you for, because as you said, you never knew what somebody was struggling with about their appearance at that time and something as simple as a compliment from a stranger could mean the world.

“I'm so proud of you,” Hoseok whispered and pulled you against him.

“Me too,” you grinned happily.

jung hoseok

Once upon a time you had thought that if you wanted to date Kim Namjoon, you had to be some sort of prodigy.

But, newsflash, you weren't.

And while you had been more than upset about this years ago and thought that you were not worthy of being with him, you had now come to accept that you were normal.

And normal was good.

Normal, was what Namjoon loved the most about you, after your kindness and your warmth that you had for the people you loved and cared for. He didn't need you to be special by playing some instrument perfectly, because you were already special enough for him for just being you.

And as you were lying in bed and he was running his fingers through your hair, he whispered: “I love you more than I can say.. you know that right?”

It surprised you, but you still smiled, “I do. I love you too. And..-” you pushed yourself up a little to look him in the eyes and chuckled, “I love me too.”

It was a little inside joke. Something that Namjoon made you say over and over again when you had troubles accepting yourself once again. And now, you could say that sentence and honestly mean it.

And man, he was so proud of that.

park jimin

It really wasn't easy being with him when he was this perfect specimen of humanity and you were – in your eyes – the worst it could offer.

“You look gorgeous,” Jimin smiled happily when you walked out of the changing room, but you weren't quite as happy with yourself.

“It doesn't fit properly.”

“Hm, I think it does,” Jimin got up and took a closer look at it, “Zipper is up, straps aren't too tight.. I think it's good!”

“No, I mean.. this,” you pointed at your belly, “I told you I can't wear a dress as tight as this, I don't have your stomach,” it came out a lot more spiteful than you intended for it to.

But he didn’t take it to heart, thankfully

“And thank god for that,” Jimin let out a laugh, then grabbed your chin and made you look at him, “My stomach reminds me of the nights in which I had to starve myself to look like people expect me to look. Your stomach reminds me of how healthy you are and how I don't have to worry about you.”

You looked into his eyes for a moment, then you let out a sigh, your shoulders dropping, “Sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up..-”

“Don't apologize. If anything, apologize to yourself for always being so hard on you and always finding an imperfection that isn't one,” he kissed your forehead, “You're so beautiful, angel,” he whispered, nearly making you cry.

kim taehyung

Taehyung could feel that there was something wrong today just from the way you texted him back. You didn't put any of your normally used emoji's after your texts, your answers were short and the amount of time it took you to even reply, was suspicious.

At first, he had thought that maybe something that he had done had upset you, but the more he thought about it, the more he came to the conclusion that that couldn't be. When re-reading your goodnight message from last night, everything was normal.

So it must be something else.

Once his break started, he decided that he'd spend it at your place and see what it was that was troubling you. He hadn't told you that he'd be coming, so you were looking at him, not in surprise, but shock.

“What are you doing here?!” you immediately turned around and scurried back into your apartment, leaving Taehyung to close the door behind himself with furrowed eyebrows.

“What's wrong?”

“Nothing, just.. I don't have a good day today, okay?”

Your boyfriend placed the bag of take-away on the floor and then walked over to you, gently turning you around by your shoulder to look at you, only to see that issue seemed to be something so trivial, that it made him let out a heavy sigh.

“Really, (Y/N)?”

“It's so ugly. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I just.. popped them. And now I look even worse than before and I hate it!”

You've been struggling with your skin for a while, had often gone to dermatologists that Taehyung had recommended to you, but while it did get a little better, you didn't have the skin that he had. And that is what you wanted. A journey that would take longer than four months, however. And... well, you were impatient.

“How many times do I need to tell you that pimples are natural? That having acne is nothing to be ashamed about?”

“Easy for you to say, looking like your skin was made out of glass.”

“And you know how much I need to do for it. How many times I need to get treatments,” his hands slid down until he could hold yours, “You're still beautiful to me. Pimples won't change that. But popping them isn't good for your skin, it's only going to make it worse. You need to let it heal, as hard as it is.”

Again, this was easy for him to say and not so easy for you to do. You've had this conversation before and you were sure that you'd have it again and again.

But you were glad to hear these words. Because at that moment, it was what you needed to feel a little better.

jeon jeongguk

It wasn't hard to figure out that you never wanted to come to these dinners because you were uncomfortable around the other members' girlfriends. They were, what society would consider, 'the standard'. They were, what women were told to look like. They were, what people thought idols’ girlfriends should look like.

And every time you joined these dinners, you realized that you were none of these things.

You weren't the perfect woman, unlike the others.

Or so you believed.

“You're home early,” you stated as you closed the book in your hands, “Wasn't it fun?”

“It was,” Jeongguk nodded, taking off his shoes, before falling onto the couch and placing his head in your lap, smiling as you immediately began to brush your fingers through his hair, “But being here with you is better.”

He could spend his days trying to convince you that you were what he wanted, exactly the way you were now.

Or, he could simply show you.

And he opted for option number two.

#bts imagine #bts reactions #bts x reader #bts #bangtan #bangtan reaction #bangtan boys #kpop #kpop imagines #kpop reactions #bangtan sonyeondan #reader #bangtan x reader #bangtan boys x reader #requests

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akatsuki-celeste · 3 years

Text

I can feel my anxiety medication wearing off so before I re-up it, because if ever there was a day that I just need to keep it going - I feel the need to scream into the void first.

I haven’t talked about my personal life that much save for a few depressive, anxiety-fueled rants before, and maybe this is just one more of those but longer. But today was the last day in a long saga of days that has just made me....really question *everything*. It’s probably the closest I’ve ever felt to being absolutely done.

So the last year and a half has been quite the roller coaster and occasional hell for me, as I imagine it has been for everyone else on the planet. Everyone has their own 2020 story to tell, everyone’s is important, so I haven’t made a huge deal out of mine. I’m luckier than most. So this isn’t a post where I’m going to go on and on about how rough I’ve had it, etc, etc. This is just going to be about...me. The facts, as seen by me.

In March 2020, my work began efforts to roll out a remote work plan that I qualified to start early due to being immunocompromised thanks to a fun little auto-immune disease called ulcerative colitis. I’ve been diagnosed since I was 18, so basically half my life, and the medication I had been on then, Remicade, was one I’d been using for the last decade with absolutely no issues except maybe I get really tired and like naps afterwards. All of that went smooth. I felt relieved that I, at least, was going to be at home. One of my roommates, also a co-worker, was able to work out the same situation so we didn’t even need to deal with transportation for her until the official lockdown.

And then a week - possibly less, my memory is hazy - my roommates (my then-best friend and her brother) got into a screaming fight of such epic proportions that I had an actual mental breakdown in the middle of (first for me). I remember hiding in my room with my laptop - I was still trying to work for some reason, I do remember eventually telling my boss I had a family emergency so I could log off - I remember calling my mother in a panic, and then I remember waking up at my parents’ house about 6 hours later and finding out that my mother had told my former roommates to gtfo, which I did not attempt to rescind (not at the time, because apparently I was there when it happened but I don’t remember this, and not later) because I knew living with them was no longer feasible for a number of reasons which I will not go into. I’m still dealing with five years of mental abuse and trauma on that one.

By the first week of April they were gone, and I was able to busy myself for the next few months with making my place habitable for one person again, which was a good distraction. And then September came around and I started to notice these, well, patches on my skin. At first I thought it was just eczema or dry skin irritation, it happens sometimes. But with each month they got worse and worse, until December finally rolls around and the only conclusion anyone can come up with is that my trusty Remicade, which had successfully kept my UC in check for a decade, had finally decided to stop playing nice with my body and I was having a “psoriasis-like” reaction. So for the first time in a long while I was starting the medication shuffle again, steroid creams and a new UC medication that took nearly 4 months to get approved. I’m still not recovered even though I’ve been off of Remicade for 7 months now. It takes 6 months for that stuff to fully work its way out of a system, so the reactions didn’t stop until a few weeks ago and I’m still struggling to heal. I’d say it’s about 75% better than it was, but showers still suck, pants also suck, and I can’t tolerate temperatures higher than 70 degrees (hi summer, you suck). Also during this time I got the COVID vaccine (woo!) but seriously, if not for remote work I probably would have lost my job. I used up most of my sick leave in the beginning of the year because I couldn’t move without pain, even to sit at the computer for 8 hours. I also have a ton of PTO, but my boss told me that I couldn’t necessarily use it for sick leave (news flash for me) and again, could lose my job if I tried to use it too much. So trigger my anxiety. A lot.

Fast forward. In one week my office is reopening for 50% capacity, which apparently means to upper management that we have to all work 3 days a week in office, 2 days remote, which doesn’t match the math but whatever. They’ve also stopped screening temperatures, have nixed the social distance requirement, and are only requiring masks for the unvaccinated - but aren’t requiring anyone to say whether they are or not. Needless to say, not exactly the best reassurance for my still-immunocompromised ass, not to mention the dress code will murder my skin. So I ask about continuing remote work and get told I need an ADA accommodation. Okay. I get the paperwork and pass it on to my GI; I was already on FMLA for my UC, figured this wouldn’t be that different.

Except my GI has refused to sign the paperwork, saying there’s no medical reason for me to continue remote work. Despite still not being recovered from the skin reaction I got back in December from the Remicade, despite finding information that Remicade potentially interferes with the vaccine, I’ve been told to just adhere to social distancing and mask-wearing despite my employer not requiring that of anyone else. And with all the information about the delta variant coming out.... yeah, I’m scared. Probably paranoid, probably anxious. I have no idea how I’m going to get through a work day without having to medicate and I won’t be able to function if I have to do that. i see my psych before RTW-Day, but only a few days before.

My last chance is that the dermatologist I’m seeing on Wednesday might be able to fill it out based on my condition, but at the moment I’m in a cycle of panic that I’m going to be told it’s Not That Bad and not get taken seriously. Which is a feeling I’ve been having a lot lately. I know it’s partly the depression and anxiety ramping itself up, but I just don’t know what to do now. All I want to do right now is press the restart button. Sell my place, relocate to a new place so radically different from where I am now that I can’t even compare it, start over. Get a puppy, write a novel, not be in $33k worth of debt. This wasn’t where I’d hoped to be at 36, and now it feels like it’s going to be another 5-6 years before I can get there. If I can get there. It seems like another lifetime.

Anyway. That ends my void screaming. TLDR, I have to start working in the office again in a week, I’ve been told by my GI that my auto-immune disease doesn’t qualify me for an ADA accommodation to keep working from home, my anxiety is now living with me instead of me living with it, and my last shot is a dermatologist I’ve never met before.

#personal #anxiety #depression #immunocompromised #COVID #psoriasis #but not exactly psoriasis #Remicade #ulcerative colitis #someone please just get me out of here

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pennylanefics · 4 years

Text

Insecurities - George MacKay

a/n: surprise!!! my first george fic! i wrote this in about two hours bc i was in my feels, and i didn’t think i would be able to write more than one page. kinda based this off my own insecurities, so sorry if they don’t apply to you, but it was easy for me to write it this way :) hope you like!

warnings: self esteem/body image issues

•••

recently, you have been feeling down about yourself. you gained a little weight, which is no problem, but it caused your favorite pair of jeans to no longer fit, you felt like your stomach was growing bigger, and the stretch marks on your sides were getting darker. not to mention your acne had been flaring up for no reason, so you had a few spots of pimples and zits.

but, you didn’t express any of your feelings to your boyfriend, george. he has been so stressed out and focused on his new war film, which is much more difficult than past films he’s done since it’s all supposed to look like it’s one shot.

he’s also been super busy, too busy to sit down and have a long, deep talk. he would leave for filming early in the morning, before you even woke up, and returned home close to ten at night; he would then shower quickly and fall right asleep.

you didn’t want to bother him with anything more, so you kept it to yourself. but, this was obviously a bad idea, considering it was slowly eating you alive, and your thoughts of how george saw you changed as well.

one night, george had brought home food from the catering table at the filming location, since they brought in pasta dinner for everyone. when he handed you your own take out box filled with your favorite pasta, you stared at it for a bit. usually, you would begin eating right away, but your thoughts consumed you slowly.

but, to not worry george, you ate every bite of your food since you were really hungry. and that’s when the guilt settled in. after finishing, you ran to your room and threw on a hoodie, knowing how bloated you get after eating so much.

“babe?” george calls out. quickly, you make your way back to the living room and find him sitting on the couch, feet kicked up on the coffee table and a blanket over his lap.

“thought we could have a little movie night and cuddle, yeah?” he smiles. nodding, you fall into his arms and curl up against him, resting your head on his shoulder. his arm automatically wrapped around you, stroking his thumb against your bicep.

george chose a romantic comedy, of course, since he’s such a softie and a sucker for romances. but you knew this would lead to something more; he always gets in a mood when he watches these.

of course, as the movie progressed, george’s hand landed on your thigh, his fingertips gently tracing the shape of you. you felt your heart start to race at the thought of what he wanted, but you honestly weren’t well enough mentally to do anything.

george continued, leaning down to kiss your neck, and you allowed him; as long as he didn’t see your body, you would be fine. finally, he presses his lips to yours in a heated kiss, his tongue darting out to trace your lips. slowly, he pushed you back so you were laying down, him in between your legs.

“mhm, let me make up for being so focused on work,” he groans, hands reaching for the end of your hoodie. as soon as you realize what was happening, you pushed him away, sitting up and shoving him back. a confused expression crossed his face, wondering if he did something wrong or hurt you.

“i, uh, don’t feel like doing anything tonight,” you mumble, hands going around your stomach. george catches this action and eyes you suspiciously.

“is something going on, (y/n)?” his voice was filled with concern and worry. feeling a bit bad over keeping this from him, you finally express your emotions and thoughts.

“i just haven’t liked how i look recently,” you murmur, eyes cast down in your lap. george is quiet as he tries to figure out why you would feel this way. he is at a loss for words for a moment, wondering what was really going on in your mind.

“why? you’re absolutely beautiful.” you still keep your eyes down, too afraid to look up at him for some reason. “(y/n), please look at me.” the tone in his voice was enough to bring you out of your daze and gaze up at him.

“i just, i’ve been feeling a bit bigger recently. my stomach is a little chubbier, my stretch marks have darkened, my thighs look misshapen, i have so much acne for some fucking reason, i-” george cuts your rambling off with a quick kiss, his hand cupping your cheek as he does.

“don’t you dare say that stuff about yourself like it’s a bad thing,” he begins. “ you are so fucking beautiful, you could have a third eye in the middle of your forehead and i would still think you are absolutely gorgeous.” chuckling lightly, you lean into his touch, your eyes fluttering shut at the warmth of his hand.

“can i do something?” he whispers, not sure if you were going to be up for it. opening your eyes, you nod in response, letting him know that you trust him completely. “let’s go to the bedroom.” with that, george is pulling you to stand with him, walking to your shared bedroom at a leisurely pace.

“okay, stand here,” george instructs you, stopping you right in front of the bed, facing him. “do you trust me? tell me if you want me to stop, okay?” nodding, he slowly raises his hands to your face again, bringing you in for a passionate kiss, filled with adoration and love.

slowly, his hands slide down to your waist, tugging at the hem of your sweatshirt. you allow him to do so, lifting your arms to help. your shirt must have been stuck to the sweatshirt because you were now left in your bra.

george’s hands caress your waist, thumbs running over the raised marks on your hips and stomach. he kneels down to become face to face with them, and he leans forward to press his lips to your skin.

ever so tenderly, his soft, pink lips kiss every single inch of each stretch mark, and he makes sure to run his fingertips over them lightly before or after he kisses them. you stare down at him the entire time, wondering how you got so lucky.

“These are such a beautiful part of your body. they show that you’re growing, growing into a healthy person. you may not like them, but i absolutely love running my fingers over them; they feel so nice and unique. please don’t ever say anything bad about them, even though you may not like them, i do.” his fingers move onto your stomach, which makes you look away and move back slightly.

“hey, you said you trust me, right?” george’s voice was soft and kind. nodding, your eyes meet his, bright blue and full of love. “please don’t pull away from me. if you feel uncomfortable and want me to stop, just say so.” you don’t respond, giving him the confirmation to continue. a quiet apology passes your lips but he shakes his head, understanding why you did what you did.

“no need to feel bad, love. just relax and listen to my voice. you don’t even have to look, just focus on my voice.” after he finishes his sentence, he goes back to pressing his lips on your skin, making sure to cover every inch in his kisses.

“your stomach is perfect the way it is. a little chub never hurt anybody. you don’t need to be stick skinny to be pretty. your stomach is amazing. and one day, there will be a bump to show the life you’re growing, preferably our babies.” his words make your heart flutter and tears pool in your eyes; you two have never talked about marriage, having kids, or the future, really.

“and your thighs, fuck, don’t even get me started.” you laugh a little as his hands drop to your legs. just as he did your stomach, he softly runs his fingers over your thighs, admiring every dimple and mark covering them.

leaning forward again, he kisses all over, even being a bit cheeky by getting a little too close to the area between your thighs. but in that moment, you didn’t care. you felt loved, you felt worthy, and you finally realized that george doesn’t see you the way you see yourself.

“god, i could go on forever. stroking your skin as we lay in bed together, resting my head on them after a long day of filming as you play with my hair; that’s probably my favorite right there. oh, and grabbing onto them as you ride me? hell fucking yes.” this time, you laugh louder, head thrown back in amusement. george stares up at you, smiling widely as he sees your happier mood.

george stands back up and comes face to face with you. once again, his hands raise to rest on your cheeks, his fingers falling onto your neck.

“as for your acne, who gives a fuck. acne is a common thing, you shouldn’t feel ashamed of it. look at me, i always have breakouts, sometimes they’re so bad, i can’t cover them with makeup for films.” a soft smile appears on your lips as he gazes at you. finally, your tears fall down your cheeks, hitting george’s thumbs, but he is quick to wipe them away.

“we can look into some treatments that will help with breakouts, or we can go see a dermatologist together and see if there’s anything we can do to reduce it. but please, don’t ever feel like you’re ugly or look awful just because you have it. you are absolutely stunning, gorgeous, beautiful, all of the above. i love you so damn much, and i really hope you can see yourself the way i see you.”

“i love you so much, george,” you choke out, “thank you for this.” he pulls you right into his arms, holding you tightly against him, nuzzling his face into your shoulder.

“anything for you, love.” after embracing one another for a few minutes, george pulls away and drags you to the bed, handing you your shirt back. you decline the offer, choosing to change into one of his t-shirts, which are much more comfortable.

once you two are in more comfy clothes, you slide under the covers and lie on your side, facing george. his hands fall to your waist, bring you just a bit closer to him. smiling softly, you nuzzle your nose against his cheek, but he is quick to move back a bit.

“your nose is freezing!” he gasps dramatically. rolling your eyes at his childish behavior, you reach up to try and warm it, rubbing your palm against it. george is quick to grab your hands, though, instead placing his lips right on the tip of your nose. he kisses it for a few seconds before moving away.

“try again,” he jokingly says. you chuckle and move to caress his face again, and this time, he doesn’t move away, instead he lets out a content sigh.

“much better.”

“overdramatic much?” he feigns hurt and tugs you to lay on his chest.

“i am not overdramatic. i just hate the cold.”

“sure you do, bub.” george grins and admires you a bit before letting his head fall back against the pillow.

“do you really see us having kids one day?” you ask the question that has been bugging you since he brought it up. the air is quiet for a moment before george replies.

“yeah, i do. i know we haven’t exactly talked about it, but i can see myself spending the rest of my life with you,” he whispers in response. you stare up at him as he spoke, noticing the gleam in his eyes as he did.

“i love you, (y/n), and i wanna be with you for a long time coming.”

“i do too, g. we just never talked about it, so i was a little confused as to you suddenly bringing it up.”

“i don’t think there was a better time to than while showing you how much i fucking love you.”

•••

taglist: @walking-stressed-mess @4lendow-norris @spacegay-s

#george mackay #george mackay imagines #george mackay x reader #imagines #fanfiction #fanfic

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