#cant cry for myself the way i used to its the sadness and happiness and that im turning 20 soon and im going a little insane but im shocked

[oatbugs]

i can feel every single nerve and organ and bone inside my body. an exercise in emptiness: what will the next thought in your head be?

#i feel like im going insane . went in the psych department w my friend again i decided to stop hating it for no reason except that its not #maths . why the fuck dont you study ? because the module name starts with a PS ? i need to love it without #feeling shame for myself . i feel like im gonna get into trouble with my university for prying open locked automatic doors at 1 AM but its #alright (that building is haunted anyway). its not about him but it is but it really isnt its about everything it means its about the way i #cant cry for myself the way i used to its the sadness and happiness and that im turning 20 soon and im going a little insane but im shocked #that i still have friends i love im shocked that i am loved im shocked that i dont feel disgusted thinking about him yet #(and ill look for a man to turn me into a hare just like you did when you did what you did) #when alt j 3ww said . f5 f6 f6 f5 f5 #i constantly feel like my chest is about to explode and i have no idea why its a physical pain its great and also horrible #id like to rip out my ribcage and put a bird and some flowers inside it id like to rip out my sternum and pierce the thoughts with it #4 43 AM i have an exam about brains i stared at a vintage photo of a brain pinned and labelled i learned the names and positions of sulci #im learning about magic (action potentials) and gates inside your brain and every day i learn how hard your body tries to keep you alive #(his lips turn sharp when he smiles) (choking on flowers and music and fear) (feel every feeling inside my throat feel metal at the back #of my head) (i miss your hard edges i miss your bone marrow) #hypothesis : perhaps if i put my lips on someone elses lips and i dont let go of them for a few hours ill be okay #needle (sharp like the spice in what i made you) shooting 5 mg of haldol straight into the hypothalamus . gave myself a concussion and #since that night my head has been blooming . the violin today felt like liquid gold . moderato - spiritoso - the bow turned my heart inside #out . id like to scream and i have no idea why but one day i will turn my vertebrae into a bouquet of flowers for you all. #yesterday my boy with the beautiful hair looked at me and held me tight enough that i heard his heartbeat (or maybe it was mine) #for a second or two and i wish i could lean on him for this except his heart has been crushed by the mathematician discerning eyes #for a while and a half . #dyed your hair red i dyed your hair brown youre on my bed and your hand touches my hand and every day i am amazed by the way your mind #turns my guts and my heart inside out #for a second or two and i wish i could lean on his bony shoulders for this except his lungs have filled with water #for a while and a half . dyed your hair red i dyed your hair brown youre on my bed i stare at the grace of her hands you are evidence #that angels and pomegranate seeds and create the economist of our dreams . game theory and good actions by any other name . #she makes the sound the sea makes knee deep in the north sea

[skull-mulch]

.

#ughhhhghh #im so drunk rn and i just feel like crying lol #FOR NO REASON BTW #guess its all that fuckeed up shit festering inside me #ugghughh i wish i had weed but i just ran out and i cant pick up until tomorrow #ik that shit would have me laying back reminding myself its nbd #i feel like its lowkey bc of T sometimes lmaooo #i legit almost never cry. my eyes water sometimes but only when in extremely happy or frustrated #i dont cry from sadness anymore i just get angry lmaoooo #anyways obviously id love to see a therapist but the last three i went to i literally had to explain what being transgender was🤣 #i feel like if i tried now the therapist would know about trans ppl bc of how media is now but would they know the truth of us orrrr #are they watching fox news and ben shabibo #j.txt #whatever all ik is that being fucked up even when sad is better than the shit way i feel usually #ill worry about that when it effects my friendships or income for now im ok for the most part #also id rather be toxic and spend money on drugs than food ehehheheh #🤭 #toxic behavior #ed thoughts #im kinda a bad person soz

[chlopieno]

.

vent ahead, sorry

#hey woo look it's missing my ex boyfriend hours!... #i was happy from breaking up for a minute and now im just so sad. i miss him he was my best friend since childhood and now #we havent spoken for month and half so far #it sucks so much i hate it here. i keep hoping hed reach out to me one day. not to date again but just not to pretend were strangers anymore #i wish i could tell him about my work. about dumb things my cat does. about dumb things i do. #i wish i could listen to him telling me whatever as long as its not hurtful. i wish i was better and didnt expect too much. #i wish my self esteem was higher so i wouldnt regret things i did that i was sure were best in the situation we faced. #i wish i were able to be more helpful and supportive. i thought i was and turns out it was received in an opposite way. #i wish i could send him memes or tell jokes or send uquiz links or picrews #i dont know when it all went wrong man i thought everything was good and everything was falling apart while i didnt even notice. #i hate how short it took to end 15 years of being friends. i hate how i cant even relate to his situation because mine is so similar yet #yet it affected us in such different ways. i hate i wasnt able to do more. i hate that he didnt do more. #i hate that im blaming him for things he has no say in. im angry at being helpless and unable to change anything. #i hate that he told me he loved me amd that he wanted to live with me and then broke up with me less than a month later. #i hate that i made him break up with me. i hate that i put so much hope and emotions and work in it and that he told me he cared #but it was me who was ready to go anywhere for him and do anything for him and it wasnt the other way. #i want to say so much and yell and cry and apologise and yell again but at myself this time and bash my head against the wall #i want to know that someone cares about me as much as i care about them. but it wasnt this relationship but he was my best friend #and i wish i could say that i wish we never dated but i dont because i was happy and i hoped we were happy together. #and every time i asked it was okay and fine and good until suddenly it hasnt been for months and i never knew because he never told me #and i know i cant read minds but i wish i was able to tell the signs. i wish i was less selfish. i thought he wanted what i want #but telling stories about living together and setting up furniture or having pets together was what i thought was for us but was for me only #and i didnt even know #i thought wed be friends forever. yes i thought wed live together as partners too but he was my best friend and i lost him and all i can do #is to cry about it.

[n0vabug]

I never meant for this to happen

So basically this story is about the reader and Sam fighting because Sam wants to leave NY, and then she says something that makes the reader really upset and the reader tells Sam to leave, then Sam feels bad and tries to call the reader but the reader doesn't answer and Sam goes back, turns out the reader was attacked by ghostface and then there is more that I don't want to spoil 👍👍

This Contains: Fights scenes, blood, gore, angst, fluff, mentions of depression and mental illnesses, and more, if any of these make you uncomfortable, I recommend that you do NOT read this!! Also if I write in bold in the story, that means ghostface is talking. Words: 1573

Y/N'S POV "PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE SAM, WE JUST MOVED HERE AND BECAME FRIENDS WITH ANIKA AND ETHAN AND QUINN, PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE ME SAM, BY LEAVING NEW YORK, YOURE LEAVING ME, TARA, CHAD, MINDY, AND EVERYONE ELSE." Tears were forming in my eyes as I spoke, I was upset, I knew that I shouldn't have yelled but I did anyways. She was trying to leave again, but this time, I didn't want to leave, I wasn't going to leave and I told her that, she promised no matter what happened, we wouldn't leave again, I can't believe her.

"I HAVE TO YOU DONT GET IT, I DONT WANT TO DEAL WITH THIS ALL OVER AGAIN, I JUST CANT Y/N, YOU COULD COME WITH ME." Sam said, I honestly felt bad for her but why couldn't she just ignore it, I honestly was mad, but sad?? Idk I just wasn't happy about this, I also hate yelling and fighting, which made me feel even worse.

"HOW DO WE EVEN KNOW THIS HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH US, WE HAVE NO IDEA, ITS HALLOWEEN, PEOPLE ARE GONNA DRESS UP AS GHOSTFACE, ESPECIALLY SERIAL KILLERS, PLEASE DONT LEAVE SAM, I CANT LIVE WITHOUT YOU." Warm tears were streaming down my face as I spoke, my voice broke mid sentence and I was trying so hard not to just completely break down.

"Y/N, YOU DONT EVEN UNDERSTAND THAT WE COULD DIE BECAUSE OF THIS, YOURE TOO BUSY BEING DEPRESSED ZONING OUT ALL THE TIME TO EVEN NOT....ice, shit i'm so sorry I swear I didn't mean it." She paused when saying notice, she realized she messed up by saying that. But did she just bring up my fucking mental illnesses, wtf. The warm tears stopped as I looked at her with betrayal and sadness in my eyes, why would she fucking bring that up. I think she quickly noticed what she said too because she looked at me with pure regret and sadness.

"Get out sam." I didn't even hesitate to say that, I truly loved her and didn't want her to leave NY, but I needed her to leave my apartment, I couldn't be around her at the moment. "No, wait, I'm sor-" "GET THE FUCK OUT SAM." I know it was wrong of me to yell, again, but it worked because she walked out as quickly as she could. The second she slammed the door, warms tears were pouring out of my eyes again and I couldn't breath, I love my girlfriend so much, but why would she say that, I know she didn't mean it, but still. I walked out of the living room, and walked into my room, trying to calm myself down.

After 5 minutes, I get a call from an unknown number, I quickly try to calm myself so I sound like I wasn't just crying, so I pick up. "Hello?" I said "Hello Y/n" The voice is a bit familiar, too familiar, and not the good type. "Who is this?" I quickly asked. "Are you a little upset Y/n, poor sam, she was only trying to protect herself from getting killed, she didn't want to deal with this a second time, but you took it the wrong way. Shut her out. Didn't even give her a chance to apologize, now poor sam, she's out on her own, what if she gets butchered all because of you, y/n." Shit. Shit. Shit.

Next thing I know I'm running out of my room, towards the door. I can't let Sam die, she's one of the few people who stayed after finding out about my past and my problems. I had to get to her.

Next thing I know, a cold metal blade was pressed into my thigh, with a guy in a black costume and white mask. I screamed as blood dripped down my thigh and bled through my jeans. I then felt the metal enter my stomach 3 times, then get twisted, I screamed as loud as I could, hoping someone would hear me. "Any last words, Y/n" "Is sam ok?" I struggled to speak but managed to get those words out, I truly needed to know if Sam was okay. I needed her to be okay. The guy in the mask then stabbed me in the shoulder one last time. My eyes felt heavy and fluttered close until all I saw was darkness...

SAM'S POV I left the apartment, tears streaming down my face. I didn't mean it. I love her more than anything, and I did not mean what I said. She is the greatest person I know, even if she did have some problems, but so did I, and we were overcoming our problems together, she didn't leave me even after she found out about Billy, I didn't even think about leaving her after finding out about her mental illnesses, so after we moved to NY, I could tell she was happier and getting better, and I know me leaving, broke her heart, I could see the sadness in her eyes and the tears streaming down her face during the argument. I had to go back.

I started walking back towards her apartment and as I did, I picked up my phone trying to call her, even after arguments that we had, she always answered my calls, she was really quick at answering because she always had her phone on her at all times, but this time, she didn't pick up. So I called again. no answer. I was starting to worry, maybe she was just really mad and still wanted to answer, but I was still worried. I started walking quicker until it turned into me running. I had the key to my girlfriend's apartment since she had a spare, and since I practically lived there. I unlocked the door. "Y/n?" I look around until I see something that I wish was a dream. Her lifeless body. In a pool of red liquid. "Y/n?" Tears formed in my eyes. "Y/N PLEASE WAKE UP!" I called 911, as I talked on the phone, I broke down, tears streaming down my face. This is all my fault.

I tried putting pressure on her wounds, but the bleeding didn't stop and the paramedics were taking to long. I picked her up, her cold lifeless body in my arms, her apartment was on the fifth floor, I had to run down the stairs with her, as I ran down the stairs I yelled for help. "HELP" "SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!!" I kept saying, until I reached the ground floor, where I met with the paramedics.

They put her onto a stretcher, bandaged her wounds as much as possible, and then put her into the ambulance. I got in the ambulance with her, and held her cold but soft hand the whole way there. I felt terrible, I never meant for any of this to happen.

We arrived at the hospital and they took her in to get stitches since her wounds were deep, so I had to sit in the waiting room until they called my name. After about 45 minutes I got called to the back, "Samantha Carpenter, Y/n L/n is out of surgery, she isn't awake but if you want, you can go wait in her room until she is." "Thank you, I'll go wait with her, what's her room number." I'm glad she was alive, I still feel terrible, all I felt was guilt, if I didn't argue with her and if I just chose to stay in NY, maybe none of this would have happened. "314." Said the lady at the front desk, I walked to room 314, my footsteps grew quicker within each step I took.

I finally reached her room, I opened the door, and pulled a chair next to her bed. She was still asleep, I hated seeing her like this, I just can't help but think this is all my fault. I sat beside her bed, with my head down and one hand on the bed. After a few minutes, I felt a warm and soft touch on top of my hand, I look up, her beautiful y/e/c (your eye color), eyes were looking directly at me, while she was smiling.

"Omg, Y/n, thank god you're okay, I was so worried, I thought you weren't gonna make it, listen I'm so sorry, I never meant for any of this to happen, this is all my fault, I never wanted to leave NY, and especially leave you, I don't think I will leave NY now because I need to keep you safe, but I shouldn't have argued or even yelled, and I feel especially terrible for bringing up the mental health thing, I didn't mean it I swear, I promise you that I never meant to hurt you, I'm so sorry, ple-" I was ranting until I felt her soft lips press against mine, we kissed until we both ran out of breath. "I forgive you sam, I know you didn't mean it, I love you so much" She pulled me into a kiss again, this time a quicker one. "I love you more, I'm never leaving you again." I said, before I hugged her, I hugged her tighter than I ever have before, but also tried avoiding her injuries while hugging her, I love her to the stars and beyond.

A/N I wrote this whole thing while being half a sleep, and really distracted because my bsf was over while I wrote this and I kept pausing in the middle so we could talk to each other. I can't really tell if I like this or not, I don't 100% love the little fight scene at the beginning but idk, there are things that I could fix with both of them. Idk but let me know if you want anymore, also thank you to whoever reads these because I think these are shitty a lot of time and seeing that people actually read this makes me happy so thank you so much!! <3

UPDATE: I HATE THIS SM, THE FIGHT SCENE IS LOWKEY STUPID BC I DON'T THINK SAM WOULD SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT, BUT HERE IS ANOTHER ONE FROM WATTPAD THAT WAS MADE IN MAY😭😭

#sam carpenter x reader #sam carpenter x female reader #sam carpenter x fem reader #samantha carpenter x reader #sam carpenter #anika kayoko #anika kayoko x reader #mindy meeks x reader #mindy meeks martin #sidney prescott #sidney prescott x reader #tatum riley #tatum riley x reader

[jadeittic]

HS + Y/I: 2022 (SERIES)

EXTRA (6) (REMAKE) -- ive been procrastinating a lot this yr so i guess we're back on track with hs + y/i

PREVIOUS. NEXT.

HARRY STYLES + PLATONIC!EX-1D MEMBER!FEM!READER

WARNINGS: are ig comments even warnings anymore 😭-- and there will be new uses of face claims.

celebnews

liked by username, and 12,348 others

celebnews YN LN spotted in Glasgow, UK for upcoming first collaboration tour with Harry Styles.

view all 1,754 comments

username my girl looks so majestic i cant

username im hyperventilating just at the thought of her someone help me

username YNRRY IS BACK BABYYYYYYYY

username i havent moved on from her last tour now shes back. AND WITH HARRY TOO.

username IM SO EXCITED I CAN BARELY SLEEP

username ive gotten my tickets. IVE GOTTEN MY TICKETS.

username im so not jumping, blushing, twirling my hair at the sight of her rn

username THE WAY I WOULDNT MOVE ON ONCE I SEE YNRRY ON STAGE

yourinstagram

liked by harrystyles, lukehemmings, dannyramirez, and 2,165,410 others

yourinstagram pov: im so fucking nervous i can barely stand still so heres a pic

view all 26,122 comments

tchalamet YOU GOT THIS GIRLIE

username IM SO SAD I JSUT LEFT GLASGOW 😭

username IM SO SORRY FOR YOU OMG

anthonymackie Super disappointed in ourselves because we can't see you on your first ever collaboration tour. You're growing up, young lady. Don't you forget about us.

username "young lady' EXCUSE ME WHILE I CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP

username i love them sm my heartjsheufs

yourinstagram will do mr. mackie! make sure to stop by next time :))

username already feeling like im abt to pass out and i havent seen them yet

username IM ALREADY CRYING HELPESIFGS

madelyncline SO SAD I WONT BE THERE BUT I CANT WAIT TO SEE YOU TWO

yourinstagram u dk how much i want you to be here rn ;((

iheartynrry

liked by username, and 14,352 others

view all 3,183 comments

username WHEN SHE TOOK OFF HER JACKET I ALMOST FELL ON THE FLOOR

username holy shit holy shit holy shit am i still breathing

username THEY NEVER LOST THE CHEMISTRY I LOVE THEMS KNKCUCGC

username so fucking proud to say i was there. i was in the first show of hs + y/i.

username SO MCUH WAS HAPPENING

username THEY WERE GOSSIPING THE FUCK OUT ON THE STAGE LMFAO

username THE FLAG, THE SMILES, THE OUTFITS HARRY, YN, THE SHOW, I FEEL SO HAPPY

username i loved the moments where they were trying to communicate but the crowd was too loud

username TO THE POINT I THINK I SAW TEARS IN THEIR EYES

harryxyn

liked by username, and 3,391 others

harryxyn no explanations needed. just tears

view all 260 comments

username FOR FUCKING REAL. I COULDNT STOP BAWLING MY EYES OUT

username WHEN WHEN WHEN MATILDA PLAYED I JSUT

username i couldnt believe i was even there omg i thought it was all a dream

username my life is complete.

username THIS MIGHT BE THE ONLY CHANCE WE GET TO SEE 1D AGAIN?

username 2/6 :(

username DONT DO THIS TO ME

username i cant stop rewatching the videos i recorded :(((((( i already miss them sm

username i cant MOVE ON

harrystyles

liked by vicdeangelis, yourinstagram, letitawright, and 4,902,514 others

harrystyles I am so proud of my girl who I call a sister from another mister. She doesn’t have any idea how much she means to me. You are loved, YN LN. (By me which who loves you the most.) You deserve the world. Thank you for being there always. It’s always us against the world.

HS + Y/I. Glasgow. June, 2022.

view all 56,625 comments

username WHAT WHATE ANZTDGSHJSHDHEHE

username “its always us against the world” I CANT BREATHE IM IN TEARS

username IVE BEEN REREADING THIS FOR THE PAST FIVE MINUTES. NEVER HAVE I THOUGHT ID GET TO SEE HARRY POST THIS FOR YN

username 😭😭😭😭😭

username MY LIFE FEELS SO MUCH BETTER AFTER IVE READ ALL OF THIS

username OH MY FUCKING GOD

username TEARS WONT STOP ESCAPING

username SISTER FROM ANOTHER MISTER SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE IM ABOUT TO PASS OUT

username two words. in. tears.

yourinstagram

liked by sukiwaterhouse, chrisevans, anyataylorjoy, and 4,827,944 others

yourinstagram should i even explain? this idiot has been with me for as long as i remember. god, i can’t even remember when i agreed to go on tour with him (kidding, kidding). you are the most talented, funniest, hell, i even have to say handsome person to feed your ego. you are one of the best people to have happened in my life. it’s always us against the world.

thank you glasgow for being our first ever crowd for hs + y/i — its great to be back again! ❤

view all 47,319 comments

username IM IN ACTUAL TEARS WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

username i have no words to say anymore this is so sweet

username oh??? my??? god??? ive missed them so much i didnt realise it

imsebastianstan She’s been crying about his message the whole time we’ve been drinking.

username THIS ISNT HELPING

username EVERYONES CRYING, IM CRYING, YNS CRYING, I BET EVEN HARRYS CRYING

username IM FEELING SO MANY EMOTIONS I CANT EVEN START WITH WHAT IM FEELING RN

username i will literally have “its always is against the world” tattooed on me soon

mitchrowland

liked by anthonypham, annetwist, dovecameron, and 427,314 others

mitchrowland Don’t be fooled by the internet, kids. These two have been searching up ways to steal my guitar without me noticing for the past hour.

view all 16,398 comments

username AND I THOUGHT THIS WAS WHOLESOME YNRRY CONTENT

username it is wdym

username ‼protect mitch rowland from ynrry‼

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yourinstagram shush youre spoiling our plan

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username PROTECT MITCH ROWLAND

yourinstagram no thanks

username thank you for this update mitch

harrystyles

liked by yourinstagram, bellahadid, jefezoff, and 2,466,012 others

harrystyles Girls can kiss now.

view all 31,175 comments

username my fav girl with my fav book

username does this mean something…

username yn are you kissing other girls that arent me >:(

yourinstagram im sorry...i can explain

username if girls can kiss now… im free…

username THE. THOUGHT. OF. YNRRY. READING. A. BOOK. TOGETHER.

username theyve never read a book seriously beforehrdgd this post means sm to me now

username my day has been so much better since this photo

username EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS PHOTO MY GODDDDD: THE HAIR. THE BOOK. THE BRACELET. HARRY TAKING THIS PHOTO JSUT MAKES MEMEMEMEMD

username MY WOMANNNN

#harry styles fake instagram #harry styles imagine #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fic #harry styles story #harry styles writing #harry styles au #harry styles one shot #harry styles fake ig #harry styles instagram blurb #harry styles blurb #harry styles x reader #harry styles fluff #harry styles angst #harry styles headcanon #harry styles x you #harry styles instagram au #HS + Y/I #jadeittic

[melodyfsoul1]

LOKI S2 FINALE GLORIOUS PURPOSE

Just spent over an hour crying over the Loki S2 Finale, and still havent recovered, but here I go anyway with my Reaction/ Review

*Loki S2 E6 Spoilers ahead*

Okay so... before watching the episode I wrote down a couple things that I did NOT want to happen/ but knowing myself, and my luck with my characters, figured that was exactly what would happen....

and turns out... I was correct....

Back in Infinty War I feared/ predicted that Loki was gonna die in the first 10 min in a stupid way where he wouldnt be able to show off his powers... and we all know how that turned out...

For this season finale, all I hoped was that Loki, for once wouldnt play the self sacrifical lamb, and find a way where he didnt have to lose Mobius and his new found friends, where he would be not alone...

So.... yeah.... about that....

Now to the Review/ Reaction:

God I was so scared

"Glorious Purpose"

The title alone had me tearing up.... we really came full circle back to S1 E1 and the fact that they started the recap with 2012 Loki too...

1 min 30 in and I'm already pausing, THE INTRO IS BACKWARDS, thar was so cool

So we all knew Loki would have to go back and try to safe everyone

BUT MARVEL DIDNT HAVE TO SHOW US TIMELY DYING OVER AND OVER AGAIN (and in so many angles too....)

Then Loki trying to learn everything OB knows to be prepared to help, but it would take time, makes sense

"CENTURIES LATER"

WHAT?! They really did that, good thing Loki has that long Life span...

The fact that all the characters realizes sth was off with Loki but MOBIUS is the one to stop and talks to him, and Loki telling him to trust him.... my heart

OH MY GOD ITS WORKING?! And Timely survived too? Did not expect that

I have never seen Loki this relieved/ happy but at the same time sad and exhausted before...

But of course its never that "easy"

No matter what, the infinite amount of branches will always detroy the loom, so the moment a timeline branched everything was doomed from he start... Ah yes Marvel and their existential dread...

Loki going back to before Sylvie killed He Who Remains, trying to convince her not to kill him.... and of course she says he has to kill her if he wants to stop her...

God Loki's Emotional Damage....

Of course Loki cant

HWR COULD HAVE STOPPED TIME THAT THE WHOLE TIME!??!! The fact that he figured Loki has gone through this whole scene before and still just watched

He knows about time slipping...

He paved he road

He planned this

Him and Loki had this conversations before

"We die with the dying, we are born with the dead"

That is such a sick quote :0

Its basically Loki vs HWR forever, and Loki knows he will always lose... but still wants to try... kudos to his determination

And of course Loki cant bring himself to trade lives... not Sylvie's, not his friends and not the multiverses...

Loki goes back to the first time he talked to Mobius...NOOOOO not the Throne talk, why does this feel like a final good bye talk.... I HATE IT

Though S1 E1 Mobius having a chat with S2 E6 Loki is such an interesting concept

He wants to find out how they chose who lives and dies... ("Who lives, who dies, who tells your story" huh? Sorry but I had to make that Hamilton reference XD)

"You're not gonna find comfort in the TVA" - Mobius to Loki

BUT HE DID, LOKI DID FIND COMFORT, IN YOU MOBIUS, Im gonna cry ... the TVA was the first place where Loki could just be himself and he found friends there too

Also Mobius might be the only comfort character who actually gives comfort (and isnt just an angsty mess who hasnt had a happy day ever)

Mobius telling the story of a hunter who couldnt kill a kid, which caused more death, loosing sight of the bigger picture

So he is talking about himself right? And of course Renslayer was the Partner

Mobius telling Loki they have to chose a burden and live with it... that it leaves scars.

Theres this sinking feeling again

And the scene SPGAHETTIFIES?! I SWEAR TO GOD MARVEL, NOT AGAIN, STOP GIVING US FANS PTSD THROUGH VISUAL EFFECTS

I dont know what to think of Loki & Sylvie's final talk.... Loki has an idea?

Oh NoNONONONONONO

I FREAKING KNEW HE WAS GONNA GO THE SELF SACRFICE ROUTE BACK FROM EP 1 AND I FIGURED HE WOULD TAKE TIMELY'S PLACE IN EP 5 BUT THIS?!

Cant he ever be happy?! Is there any Loki, in any universe who actually gets to be happy?!

The fact that Mobius was the first to notice and that him and Sylvie immediately followed Loki, tried to talk him out of it

Loki looking back, saying he finally knows what he wants

MY HEART

LOKI WALKING THROUGH SPACE WITHSTANDING THE RADIATION JUST LIKE THOR WITHSTOOD THE DYING STAR IN INFINITY WAR, THE PARALLELS

THE NEW OUTFIT, THE CAPE, HIS HORNED HELMET, OH MY GOD

It looks like an End of Time Aesthetic Version of his Ragnarok Outfit wih the Cracked Kintsugi helmet

Ngl at first I had no idea if he was using his powers to manually destroy, change or preserve the branches.... or weave them together

Oh and to be clear I was crying during like the whole last 20 min of the episode because that was just too many emotions at once

Also can we talk about how freaking cool looking the shots of Loki with the new Helmet and the branches being his cape, were?!

The throne... Oh god the remains of HWR throne...

LOKI'S GLORIOUS PURPOSE WAS TAKING ON THE BURDEN OF THE THRONE HE NEVER WANTED

*starts violently sobbing*

Poetic, Ironic and Heartbreaking, all at the same time

Like, is it extremely cool to see him use his powers to his full potential? Yes definitely.

Were the cinematics beautiful? Yes of course, it was gorgeous, tho the moment I realized he was making Yggdrasil, I started bawling my eyes out, because "You go Loki, show us what you can do"

But I also felt my heart break because Loki is now at the end if time, chose to have to watch over & protect the multiverse, all alone, forever.... (can he leave that place?)

Like this is the very same Loki, who just, 1 episode ago, admitted that he is terrified of being alone, who just wants to be with his friends. L1130 is a Loki who was actually happy and had friends, a place where he felt safe because he could be himself. And he gave EVERYTHING up to give EVERYONE ELSE a chance at life, a life he might not be able to take part in... he can watch, but we dont know if he can interact with them....

I literally talked about that in my reaction/ review from last episode. Sylvie & Loki are both selfish, which is ironically a very human trait (them being gods and all), but unlike Sylvie, Loki would actually give up everything to safe others, which is exactly what he did.

And I know Comic Loki, God of Stories, wrote himself out if the Narrative as well, out of the Story, to look behind the curtain, have a talk with the beings behind everything, but that Loki also had Verity, he had a friend outside of everything, he had someome to talk to, a friend. Verity is one of my fav characters and I would have loved to see her Comic Version too in the MCU, but I saw B-15's Name was revealed to be Verity Willis, so thats is cool Easter Egg :D

Back to Loki, I honestly cant tell which Loki has it the worst... I always thought the main Loki dying to Thanos had it the worst, but he sth akin to a life and he got the chance to mend his relationship with Thor before he died his heroes' death...

Now L1130, in the worst case, is damned to spent eternity alone, the very thing he is scared of, being without his friends, forced to watch from afar as they live life without him, when all he wanted was to be with them... that is unless he can just leave the place whenever he wants to (if the branches allow it I guess?) But if it turns out that he cant leave that place/ or interact with anyone, without everything going down immediately, then I would argue that this Loki's life is worse than the other's death... and I cant believe Im describing Infinity War Loki's Death as a mercy...

Back to the ep...

AFTER?! Right theres an after

The TVA is still intact, with a new leader ship and everyone working together, B-15, OB, Casey and even Ms Minutes is helping?

Mobius looks so sad doing his job though...

Hes gonna LEAVE?! He wants to experience his own life on the timeline, huh... Loki did promise that to Don... and M is going for it, thats sweet actually

Renslayer got sent to the end of time, Alioth waiting for her, well then

Mobius seeing what his life used to be is so sweet, likes how perfectly imperfect is it

Sylvie visits too?

"Its weird Loki's not around" she says and I start bawling my eyes out again, now thats just salting the wound.... at least they remember him

NOOOOO THE SHOT OF LOKI IN HIS THRONE

He is smiling, but he's crying too

Is there ANY Marvel Movie, or Show where Loki doesnt cry?!?! My freaking heart...

Look I know this ending makes rational sense.... and it was defintely epic, and we finally got Loki at his full potential, and yes, Loki being finally recongnized as one of the most powerful MCU characters is cool.

But personally, on an emotional level, that ending is somewhere between bittersweet and absolutely heart breakingly dreadful, because Loki didnt want this, he didnt want the throne, he only did this to save his friends, he gave up his own happiness and I hate it... I know he is happier knowing his friends have a chance at life and that he chose this, but there wasnt much of an choice with HWR....

I just hope that Loki learning to control time means he can at least visit his friend, pop in from time to time, because if him leaving the throne/ the branches means everything could come crashing down, then thats just sad...

And what does that mean for the teased Loki & Thor Reunion?! WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT?! We didnt even get an end credit scene?!

Anyways, I'm gonna rewatch the season the next couple days and go through some theories and head canons and see whether that will change my opinion on the ending, but we'll see.

#Loki #mcu loki #comic loki #marvel loki #loki god of stories #loki series #loki season one #loki season 2 #loki season finale #loki s2 ep6 #glorious purpose #loki spoilers #loki finale #loki2x06 spoilers #screaming crying throwing up #too many emotions #i am bawling #i have not recovered #That finale was so cool but also bittersweet #I dont know what to think #He found his glorious purpose #but at what cost #mobius #sylvie #i am not okay #overwhelmed #hyped #And brainrotting #i just want loki to be happy #i miss loki

[frecklystars]

i think im a lesbian and thats been making me cry in the middle of the night every night for the last umm i dont know. week. couple of weeks maybe. i dont want to be a lesbian bc ive been bi for so long and i dont want another sexuality crisis. but at the same time the idea of being with a man makes me feel so fucking repulsed and i dont know if thats bc ive just had multiple experiences of a male friend making inappropriate comments toward me when i used to trust him OR if its bc i am genuinely realizing i have never. never. never. never. never had strong feelings for a man the way i do with a woman. like i saw a cute customer today who was a guy but i wouldnt date him. i thought he was cute but i wouldnt do anything about it, like if he asked me out i'd feel uncomfortable. but then i saw a blonde woman walk in and i thought to myself, god she's gorgeous and if she asked me out right now i'd say yes when and where!!

i only feel "i'd kiss him i'd date him i'd hold his hand" with fictional male characters and male celebrities. not real/obtainable people. would i still feel that way if they were physically in front of me? i think i would, i think if ken were in front of me calling me sweet girl i'd never feel repulsed. i think if a guy who looked and acted exactly like ryan gosling was in front of me asking me out i'd consider it maybe? but i know i feel genuine love for my F/Os. my feelings for them are 100% real and pure. i hear that could possibly be an aromantic thing, to be genuinely attracted to your F/Os but not real people. but i feel genuinely attracted to real women!! sometimes!! half the time!!! not ALL the time and i don't know if i'd be willing to be in a relationship bc i'm so detached to the idea of a relationship but like... the attraction is absolutely there to some degree and it seems to be that way strongly for women

and then i thought, ok well, bisexual means being attracted to two or more genders, right? and i'm attracted to (probably) anyone who isn't a man, though my strongest feelings are for women. but then someone else told me that the lesbian label would still include people who aren't strictly women, so?? like?? i'm just confused i was hoping lesbian meant "just women" so then i can tell myself "oh i cant be a lesbian then because i've felt attraction to nonbinary/genderfluid ppl as well who don't identify as women at all" but if the lesbian label includes that, then uh, maybe i'm? a lesbian?

but god i have felt so uncomfortable around a man who's been making me feel unsafe lately, and it's just making me wake up and realize i've never been genuinely wholeheartedly attracted to men, period. not once. i've had small fleeting little crushes but if that crush asked me out i'd say No Get The Fuck Away From Me. there was actually an instance where i had a small "crush"(?) on a male coworker when i was 18 years old for a few weeks, but then he asked me out, and i felt so disgusted and uncomfortable that i went to my car and cried. and then i had a crush on a nonbinary person years later and that felt. so. fucking good. that felt so whole and so real to me. and then i had a crush on a woman years after that and i would lie awake at night with the most pure beautiful feeling in my chest. and when they asked me out i didn't feel grossed out at all, i felt wonderful, i felt amazing, i was shaking because i was so happy

but i have never ever ever once felt that way with a man. and it makes me sad bc i spent so long calling myself bisexual but i dont think that fits me anymore and i dont think some of my family members would really love me anymore if i came out as a lesbian and i just. dont want to think about it too hard but its all i can think about. i dont want to label myself right now but i dont feel good if i dont have a label. like, i can stick with bisexual just for the sake of a label making me feel comfortable but i dont feel bisexual if that HAS to include men. does bisexual HAVE to include men, if youre a cis woman identifying as bi??? can me being bisexual be attraction ANYONE EXCEPT a man??? with just a very very very very strong preference for women????

i just wish my F/Os were real, i would just be with them and forget labels entirely and just get tf outta here. i know if my male fictional others were to come to life, it wouldnt repulse me. i've asked other lesbians "if YOUR male F/O was real and in front of you with a bouquet of flowers asking you out, would you date him" they have all said "no not at all, bc he isn't a woman. i am only attracted to him fictionally but if he were real i'd feel nothing". so like. i dunno. because if ken or plankton were real i'd feel everything.

im so sick of being here im so sick of men making inappropriate comments about my body when theyre supposed to be ppl that i trust and im so sick of wanting a girlfriend but not wanting a relationship, yearning for women but not wanting anything to do with actually dating somebody. exhausting. all of this is exhausting. am i aro am i a lesbian can i be bisexual i dont feel bisexual anymore i'm dragging that label's dead weight on my shoulders and i want to replace it i WANT a label but i dont know what my label is and im tired. i dont think my family members would accept me being a lesbian and that hurts. i tried telling my dad yesterday and he was like "no you don't know what you are, you don't have enough experience to know if you like men or not. i think you'll marry a man one day" no the idea of marriage repulses me too actually. im indifferent to sex, i dont want to get married, i dont want a relationship. but god i want a woman in my life who i can kiss and come home to and hold and ask her about her day and slow dance with in the living room. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. can barbie be real i just want to date barbie. she's human isn't she. c'mon barbie where are you girl you gotta come and rollerblade to my place so we can forget everything and be aromantic lesbians together

#vent #delete later #SORRY it is 8am i need to sleep but i cant sleep and i am spiraling a little bit ;-; #nobody has to feel obligated to read/respond i just needed to dump this somewhere!

[qumiiiquinnquin]

im scared to tell my psychiatrist i tried to end myself twice within a month (sep-oct). i dont know why i am. i have to call the office myself since im an adult now, but im really scared making phonecalls. i have to do it because its been since april that ive seen my psychiatrist but i have to do it. i dont know when ill do it, im too scared. that fear frustrates my family a lot. i feel like im already a failure of an adult and will continue to be like that forever.

today was mostly good, just uneventful until this evening. but now im feeling depressed and i want to cry until i cant anymore, but i cant cry, so i just feel bad. i dont feel tired so i dont want to sleep, but its almost midnight so i should soon. im feeling stressed out about needing to call the psychiatrist's office, so i dont feel like i can relax at all.

ive just been feeling bad a lot lately but thats not new, i say think that to myself every other week or so. whats making me sad the most right now is hating my art. i dont have any confidence in my art but i want to get better, but i dont think i ever will. i will always have mediocre talent, no matter how hard i try. i keep thinking about burning my physical art and either deleting my digital art or just even destroying my laptop, though the latter is very excessive, but i still think about it every now and then out of frustration. i want to give up but i really dont know what else id do, ive always drawn since i was very little, its always made me happy. i really want to not care how upset stopping would make people, including myself, but if i dont stop out of just purely giving up, i probably will stop because i k!lled myself.

every day is feeling the same, it even felt that way when classes were still going. i got so used to the schedule that i got used to the systematic cycle. i partially dont want classes to start again because of that, its boring and the amount of work is stressful, im just going to go back to breaking down and nearly attempting from stress and lack of confidence that i can really do this, that i can really power through and get the degree i want. i keep getting told im smart and always work hard, but that really doesnt mean anything now. being and doing those things doesnt suddenly mean that because of those things, ill survive the stress. it only actually makes it worse, like im ridiculous for feeling the pressure and have the mental health collapses that i do because of college, that im not trying hard enough and am lazy.

for some reason the desire for love has been on my mind and i dont know why, youve seen the pathetic longing things i say about romance. right now i feel like i am missing out and am a failure by societal standards for not even have dated in my life, and i still dont have a partner at 18 years old. i feel extremely lonely to the point that seeing other couples makes me depressed, which is probably selfish of me. i feel like and believe now that i will always be alone. i know i am not beautiful to anyone, i know i am not funny, i am not interesting, im a pain in the ass, im too much to deal with and am just unlovable in general. i hate feeling this way, i never cared about romance or relationships and have always been repulsed at the idea of me ever being loved romantically or being in a relationship. i feel stupid. i feel like a jerk. i feel like i deserve to be alone forever, and i really do. or maybe, just end myself, if im so unlovable in every way, then why not just weed myself out? whoever takes my place will be much more worth it than i ever could be. its so stupid thinking about myself d*ing from a broken heart. "just grow up, sad excuse of a grown adult." (in quotes because its a direct thought to myself towards myself, nobody else)

i really doubt everything will get better, ive felt this same exact way for 3 years now. sad, burntout, stressed, like im nothing but a problem for my family, a burden and waste of time to be around or talk to or care about. i did attempt once in 2021 but failed, obviously im still alive. i really want to try again. im really scared of pain, so im trying to find the quickest way or the least painful option. if i just call, i can get different meds or a different dosage and i wont feel this terrible. im so childish for an adult to be unable to make a fucking phonecall. i feel like next year might be it, im not sure why i get that feeling, but i dont have any reason to keep going. im not looking forward to anything. nothing is really that fun or exciting, i just try to distract myself. i know im not wanted, and im too difficult for my family.

its now a half hour after midnight because im incapable of shutting the fuck up. i might just lay down and watch youtube or cry myself to sleep, whichever happens first

#vent #tw sui ideation #tw sui vent #tw sui attempt #long post #well this escalated fast #i am useless and pathetic. i am going to remain this way forever. the only way out is to just disappear i think. im tired of being alive

[short-black-diamond]

Im sorry if i shouldn't be venting cuz this is a vent🙏 but i just wanna get this off my chest- just ignore it :)

I've been feeling more lonely internally, there's moments when I'm happy ofc- but the loneliness always returns and i don't think anyone will ever love ( why should they?? 🤨 ) but its rlly sad cuz im a romantic 😭 and i used to feel worse ( it got slightly better ) but it still sucks. and my friend is being different and a bit difficult for my lil heart 😅

e. g. we used to always call or text, but now she either replys dryly or ignores me ( ON PURPOSE ) and irl she justs gives a mean stare ( she does that most of the time but it feels a lil mean cuz I'm always just givin a lil smile )

and today in the entire hall, the teachers allowed us to sit where we wanted to. and everyone had like a fren grp, it was just me and my 2nd bestie ( they're a homie but the 1st one hits diff )

WORST PART I CANT EVEN CRY😭 THE LAST TIME I CRIED WAS 1-2 MONTHS AGO OVER MATH💀

sorry to kinda dump this...

- 👻 anon

(did you take the ghost emoji because of halloween or just because you felt like it?)

I feel like crying when I think about the word math.

---

I feel flattered by the fact that you used my unbox to vent, my love. I just hope that your "friend" won't be mad at you for long?

Would you know what the possible reason might be? maybe something happened to her at home which she doesn't want to talk about, or you guys had an argument where one of you guys said something insensitive?

If she does not want to talk to you, I suggest you let her be and also only speak to her when she starts the conversation. it is best to leave a person alone for a while, maybe they're going through something too at the moment?

I just hope that you won't stay alone for too long as it is not healthy, you know? I want you to be happy. maybe go and take a walk at the park or in the forest where many people walk around and enjoy the fresh breeze of air?

Talk to people, we humans need to be social, you know? it is not really healthy when a person stays alone for too long, my love. I hope you have other people to talk to, you know?

But, feeling alone sometimes if okay. I felt alone most times, and I just decided to write down stuff here in tumblr, and now I have adopted to kids, and am friends with a cool artist from my favourite webtoon.

I hope getting online friends is a good way for you to cope and relax? It also helps me when I bake something and concentrate myself on the ingredients and the way the bake should be prepared.

I don't know if what I said was helpful or not, but I hope I could. If you want to vent more, the box is always open, and also write down if you want me to answer you again or not }

-your diamond.

[citylawns]

I had my last psychotherapy session for at least six months today because my therapist is going on maternity leave (I'm so happy for her, I love her so much) and I felt okay afterwards. I bought myself a treat and cried a bit.

What I really want to say and don't know quite how to say it is my therapist confirmed that I experienced sexual abuse as a child and I only just realised/remembered that a few days ago. I was crying and dissociating for days, called in sick to work, started getting veritgo that I couldn't get rid of.

But after that, I paradoxically feel the healthiest I have ever felt. I feel like everything is clearing. Like I am freeing myself. That things actually make sense for the first time in my life. I don't remember much about what happened, and maybe I won't ever remember. I think I can make peace with that, I dont really want to remember anyway. I also cant force it. But for the first time I want to take care of myself instead of harm myself at these memories and very visceral and uncomfortable emotions and I think thats also a first for me. Like over the weekend I very much did self injure in some way but I dont have that urge now. I was very much trying to hurt myself last year.

There are a couple things I want to say

(1) therapy has saved my life. trauma informed psychotherapy specific to the issues I have experienced.

(2) I share my emotions a lot on here (knowing the risk, knowing the benefit) and get people telling me "don't be sad just be happy :)" and "all you talk about is your pain is your life really that miserable?" and I want strangers who read this and think those things to understand that yes, life has been that painful. it's been devastating in more ways than I can even express but its been beautiful too, and I'm trying my best to have more beautiful moments. but you need to learn to not go around and invalidate someone's pain or tell them to change it like they have control over that because you don't know their history or what they are coping with. they might not even fully know. it's not wrong to feel bad. it's not bad to be in pain. it's not bad to be unhappy. it tells us when something is wrong. I wrote something about that a while ago before I even fully understood it, and I still forgot it and got angry at myself for feeling sad. I will keep reminding myself of my own lessons.

(3) when people say "it gets better" they are half right. we can all only speak from our own experience, so in mine I want to say that I have fought for it to get better. tooth and nail. better isn't perfect. but my god its not what life was before. better also looks different for everybody.

(4) I wouldn't change a thing about my life despite it all. I'm just so happy I get to live

#personal

[t0mcruize123]

March 5th

Third March 5th🎀🫶

I dont really know what to put here for this one lmao just prepare yourself for the ending🤫 oh also there’s some smut so be warned👹👹

Third March 5th:

My phone vibrated in my pocket and my heart raced at the sound. I’d been sitting in my living room for hours, waiting and waiting for David to knock on my front door but the hours were passing and he wasn't anywhere in sight. I didnt recognise the number calling but then again, we’d deleted each other’s numbers. It was March 5th, it had to be him.

My heart sunk.

Please let him just be late. Please don't let him be calling me because he isnt coming today.

My thumb slid answer and I nervously brought the phone up to my ear, “Hello?”

I instantly recognised David’s sigh from the other side of the phone, “Hey.”

It wasnt the desperate, happy greeting I was hoping to hear. He didnt sound panicked that he was late, he sounded like he was just sitting on a bed somewhere without a care in the world.

“Where are you?” I uttered the dreaded question.

“New York,” the sadness in my exhale was audible, “I’m so sorry.”

The silence grew thick in the air between us and I tried to act normal, “Is everything okay?”

He didnt answer immediately and when he did his voice faltered, “I dont even know how to say this but...do you remember my roommate? Danny? He...uh..he was in a wreck two days ago.”

My hand instantly flew to my mouth, “Oh my god is he okay?”

More silence, “He um...no, he didnt make it.”

I was unable to respond to that sentence, I had no useful words at all. I didnt know how to console David over the phone and I didnt know Danny well enough to express sadness.

“I dont think I’m going to make it any time soon-”

“Stop its okay, I’m so sorry David,” he still cared about showing up even after one of his best friends had died. Sadness etched into my features as my grip on the phone shook.

“This is killing me,” his voice was barely a whisper, “Ill see you next year. I promise.”

“I’ll be fine David, please dont feel bad...I understand.”

Silence hung in the air between us until he sighed, “Goodbye.”

The line disconnected before I could reply and tears began to blur my vsision. I was crushed. I was an asshole because I wanted to convince myself I was crying over Danny but truthfully, I was crying for completely selfish reasons. Realising how pathetic I am, I began to cry even harder.

David slowly opened the door and stilled, blinking twice as if unsure I was really there.

“I wouldve called first,” I looked down nervously, “But I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

He opened his mouth to speak but I held up my hand to stop him, “I lied, I’m sorry. I’m not here to make sure youre okay because I know youre not okay. It was just the thought of not seeing you today and having to wait another year that gutted me and....”

He stepped forward and pressed his lips against mine, sad and yet sure. I sighed against the familiar press of his mouth and wrapped my arms around him. He kissed me as though he couldnt believe I was real, like he couldnt believe I’d bought a ticket just to see him for one day.

He continued to kiss me and pulled me into his apartment, one arm around my waist as though he was afraid I was going to vanish. He closed his bedroom door behind us and pulled me in for a long hug. I closed my eyes and kept my head pressed against his shoulder. One of his hands wrapped around the back of my head and the other secured at my back – I couldve stayed here all night if he wanted.

He kissed the top of my head then placed his hands on either side of my face, tilting it up to look at him, “I cant believe youre here.”

His eyes were red as though he’d been crying and I quietly asked, “How did it happen?”

“He was on his way back from work when his car slipped off the road,” his voice trembled slightly and I squeezed his hand, “Vi’s been in pieces as you can imagine. She’s pregnant.”

I couldnt help but gasp and he nodded, “I know its shit luck. They’re supposed to be celebrating their anniversary this weekend.”

“How far along is she?” I sat down on the bed and he lay down next to me.

“She’s due in November.”

The blonde girl from last year paused in the doorway, cocking her head to the side in confusion, “Do I know you?”

“We met briefly last year,” I blushed in embarrassment at the memory and the corner of David’s lip lifted.

“Well I’m Vi,” she shook my hand and looked back at David, “I’ll be expecting you to fill me in on all the details of this tomorrow.”

“You bet,” David replied and when she shut the door, he glanced at me with a glint in his eye, “Not a chance.”

I laughed quietly and David reached for the lamp at his bedside. There was a look in his eye that made my lips curl up slightly, and before I knew what was happening, David grabbed the hem of my shirt and pulled it up without hesitation. He threw it somewhere behind him and his eyes read every curve of my body, and he released a shaky breath.

His lips were moist and his tongue was rough and apologetic and my back arched against his touch. He pulled me flush against him but I pulled back in hesitancy.

“David....,” I looked up at him, “I’m worried you’re only doing this to distract yourself from what happened to Danny. I mean, I’ll go through with it but-”

He shook his head fiercely, “I’m not doing this as a distraction. I’m doing this because I want to do this with you, here in this bed. I’ve been thinking about it for nearly 364 days.”

His eyes darkened as he slid his body over me, caging me in with his arms. I could feel him hard against me and I nearly whimpered at the idea of being with him. I’d also been thinking about this moment a lot longer than I shouldve.

He brushed his thumb over my lips, “I want to be your only. Your first and last. I want you to promise I’ll be able to hear your voice tomorroe and every day that follows.”

I nodded in agreeance, “I promise.”

“I’m serious, I want your phone number and youre adres and everything before you leave tomorrow.”

“You can have it,” I grinned, “You can have everything.”

My fingers dragged up his jawline until I cupped his face, “What are you waiting for?”

“To wake up, I think,” he dragged in a raspy breath and kissed my neck, “I’m dreaming right?”

I shook my head just as his hips moved against me. A moan escaped my lips and his kisses against my neck grew wilder.

“Definately dreaming,” he murmured against my skinand touched his tongue against my skin, dragging it up to my throat before kissing me again.

He lined himself up in front of me but still didnt push inside, continuting to tease and touch my skin whilst I grew hotter with need and anticipation. He dragged his lips against mine and as soon as I opened my mouth to say something, he pushed himself deep inside of me. He covered my moan in a kiss and a burst of pain and pleasure burst within me – he was bigger than I’d expected, he could hardly fit as my back arched. The perfection of how we fit together made the pain a mere inconvenience however.

“God youre so fucking tight,” he groaned as his eyes fluttered ever so slightly, “Its perfect.”

It was beautiful. David was beautiful. And somehow, with the way he was staring down at me I felt as though I was beautiful. He gave me a moment to adjust to his size before he thrusted into me once more, claiming my mouth with his whilst squeezing my hand tight. Pleasure like no other shot through my core as his thrusts grew deeper and more frequent. The sound of our bodies smacking together and the bed hitting the wall echoed throughout the room but neither of us seemed to care. My thighs were already dripping and a low sound at the back of his throat groaned as he pushed us both closer towards the edge.

“David,” I whimpered as he pressed our interlocked hands into the mattress. His other hand hooked under my legs and pulled them up over his shoulders so that he had a better angle. Thrusting into me and perfectly hitting my g spot, I let out a loud moan and shoved my face into the pillow beside me to keep quiet. His breathing grew ragged as he grabbed my hips and pulled meet him impossibly closer. I’d never been so filled and I knew I wouldnt be able to walk straight for days after this.

My nails dragged down his back and his head tipped back with a mix of pleasure and pain. I could feel an orgasm building up in my stomach and he pounded into me faster and harder, watching me intently for the moment I released.

David thrusted once more and I felt myself coming undone beneath him. He spilled himself inside of me and it dripped out onto my thighs, soaking me and the bed sheets beneath us. I squeezed my eyes shut as he buried his face into my hair, trying to catch his breath. His skin was hot and gleaning with a thin layer of sweat and I ran my hands through the dark locks of his hair.

We lay there for a few minutes, both of us trying to catch our breath and calming down after such an intense experience. He ran his nose along my jawline until his lips were at my ear,

“I dont want to say goodbye tomorrow morning.”

I breathed in slowly, “You have my number to call me.”

“Every single day?”

“I’ll be mad if you dont.”

“Twice a day?”

I laughed and he added, “Can I see you every day?”

I shook my head because that one was kind of impossible, “That’ll be expensive.”

“Not if I live in the same house as you.”

I stilled and a smile engulfed his face, “I’m thinking about selling my apartment. Violet’s got her own place and the only reason I stay here is because of my job. But i shouldnt have to put the company above you. I could still work there from afar it would just be a bit more difficult. But im ready for that challenge.”

I couldnt believe we were both having this conversation. As much as I knew we needed to talk about it without sex clouding our minds, i couldnt think of anything I wanted more than to see him every day. To have him as part of my life.

He was serious. He actually wanted to move to Chicago and I couldnt think of single reason as to why he couldnt.

I nodded slowly and a smile transformed his entire face. His hand reached up to trace my jaw and his thumb brushed over my lips.

I grinned, ”You’re going to need a jacket.”

I walked into David’s kitchen to see Vi sitting on the counter, her green eyes reflecting in the sunlight streaming through the window. David was still asleep and I hadnt wanted to interrupt his rest when he looked so peaceful.

“Hey,” Vi smiled and nodded towards the toaster, “Do you want any?”

“Oh that’d be great,” I smiled and took a seat next to her.

“So you’re the girl David meets up with once a year?”

I nodded, happy to hear David talked about me when I wasnt there, “Yeah its kind of a tradition.”

“How long are you planning on doing that? For the rest of your lives?”

“Until I’m twenty three.”

Her head cocked to the side, “Why?”

“Its the age my mother decided I’d be mature enough to have a serious relationship with somebody.”

“Ah,” she smiled and looked down at her hands, “Davids a great guy. He’s been so helpful recently with Danny and everything....,” her smile faded and she quickly added, “And he’s a great boss.”

“Oh I remember.”

“I dont know if he’s told you but he’s doing greater than he’s ever done at work,” she smiled proudly, “He’s earning more, enjoying it more, its going well.”

Doing greater than he’s ever done? And he’d give it all up to move to Chicago with me?

“How is he?”

My head snapped to hers, “David?”

She nodded, “I havent really interacted with anyone, I know its selfish because I’m not the only one hurting but-”

I squeezed her hand reassuringly, “He’s okay. He understands Vi.”

She wiped away a tear, “I just feel bad that i havent even thought about how he’s hurting. And now he’s stuck with a girl who’s about to have a baby, and the last thing I want is for him to feel obliged to help me...and I cant move back to me and Danny’s place its so quiet and lonely there,” she pressed her fists to her eyes, “I dont know what to do. I don’t want to burden anyone, but I’m scared I can’t do this on my own.”

I wrapped my arms around Vi as she began to cry into my shirt.

“Vi?” We both looked up to see David standing in the doorway with a distraught look on his face. Vi starts crying even harder and he was instantly at her side.

“You’ll be fine,” he spoke softly, “promise me you’ll let us help you.”

She nods and wipes her tears away fiercely I cant watch her cry anymore. I'm on the verge of tears myself just knowing how scared she is. I rush up the stairs and back into David’s bedroom, where I can gather my thoughts. So many things are running through my head, most of them fears. I'm afraid he's making a decision out of haste. I'm afraid if I tell him how much I wish he would move to Chicago, he would actually do it, and it's obvious Vi. Not to mention the possibilities he'd lose by giving up his job. If we just up and end our arrangement in the middle without continuing to meet up on March 5th, I’d break my promise to my mother and commit before I turn 23

I know two years is a long time for us to wait, but those two years could make a huge difference in his success.I didn’t want to be the reason he quit, Years from now, he'd look back on tonight and hed wonder if he made the wrong choice. If maybe our lives would have still turned out the same and we would still end up together, but by waiting two years, he also would have met his work goals.

He's made such a huge difference in my life. More than he'll ever know. If it weren't for him, I don't think I would have ever regained my confidence. Just having him in my life one day a year has had such a positive effect on me, I'd hate myself if I did the exact opposite for him.

And none of that includes what just transpired over the last ten minutes. There's no way he can move to Chicago when his family needs him now more than ever. Vi is going to need him here way more than I need him in Chicago. I refuse to be the one to convince him to leave her at a time like this.

I grab my phone and call for a cab before I change my mind.

David walked around the corner to meet me and I gasped, clutching a hand to my heart.

"You scared me," I took the last step. "How is she?"

He glance down the hallway toward Vi’s bedroom. "Better,"

I took two more steps, toward the front door this time. David finally noticed the purse around my shoulder and the shoes on my feet. I was prepared to leave.

I put my weight on one foot, “earlier…”

"Please don't change your mind." He interrupted.

I winced looking to the right to hold back my tears. I didn’t want to hurt David but it was best for us both if I left. David rushed towards me and grabbed both of my hands.

“Please. We can do this. Maybe I can't move right away, but I will. Things just need to settle around here first."

I squeezed his hands and sighed, “Vi says you’re doing great at work.”

He realised where this was going, “I don’t care about my job, it doesn’t matter-“

A stream of light strolls across the walls, and I glances back to see my cab waiting.

“Please," he begged, “Just give me your phone number, at least. I'll call you tomorrow and we'll figure it out then, okay?" He tried to to keep his voice soothing and hopeful, but i noticed the panic building in his chest.

"It's been an emotional couple of days, David. It's not fair of me to let you make this kind of decision right now." I pressed my lips to his cheek and then turned for the front door. He followed behind me as I reached the cab and I could feel my heart breaking with each step I took. Why couldn’t he make this easier?

"I would never forgive myself if I didn't encourage you to follow your dreams like you encouraged me to follow mine. Please don't ask me to be the reason you give them up. It isn't fair."

I wrapped my arms around him and pressed my face into his neck. He held me right and I could feel how much he needed me to stay but I couldn’t. I opened the door to the cab but hesitated.

"I'll come here next year," I promised. "I want to meet Vi’s baby. We'll meet at the restaurant again, okay? Same time, same place?"

He shook his head and shut the cab door, refusing to let me in.

“ You can't just agree to love me, and then take in back because you think it's not what's best for me. That's not how this works."

I leaned against the cab and crossed my arms over my chest. My eyes were focused on the ground but I could feel his stare.

“David” my voice was barely a whisper, “You don't need to be in Chicago. You need to be here. I'll just be a distraction, It's only two more years.If we're meant to be together, two years is nothing."

He laughed but it was short and humorless. "Meant to be together? Are you listening to yourself? This isn't one of your fairy tales, This is real life, and in the real world you have to bust your ass for the happy ever after!"

He gripped the nape of his neck and took a step away from me, trying to collect his frustration but it was pouring out of him.

“When you find love, you take it. You grab it with both hands and you do everything in your power not to let it go. You can't just walk away from it and expect it to linger until you're ready for it." The pain was etched into his face and my eyes began to tear. The moment we shared in his room meant more to me than he’d ever know but he was looking at me like I was a traitor.

I glanced at the cab and he stepped forward and put his hands on my shoulders, “Don’t walk away from this.”

My shoulders dropped with a sigh and I shook my head softly, “Im not walking away from this. I'm not doing anything we didn't agree to the first day we met. I'm the one sticking to the rules, here. We agreed on five years. And yes, we had a little hiccup upstairs where we almost caved and_"

"A hiccup?" He pointed to the house. "Did you just refer to us agreeing to start a relationship as a . . . hiccup?"

He gripped my face until his fingers were wrapped around the nape of my neck. He brush his thumbs across my cheeks and encouraged me to look up at him. David touched me softly and I swallowed back the lump in my throat.

"I don't care about work. All I care about is you. Being with you every day. Seeing you every day, I'm no finished falling in love with you yet. But if you don't want to finish falling in love with me, then you need to tell me right now. Do you want me to be a part of your life on more than just March 5th? If you say no, I'll turn around and walk right back inside that house and things can go back to how they were before you showed up here yesterday. I'll continue working and we'll meet up next year. But if you say yes . .. if you tell me you want to spend every single day on the calendar this year falling in love with me, then I'm going to kiss you. And I'll spend every day after today proving to you that you made the right choice."

His hands remained firm on my face and my eyes remained firm on hers. I could hardly breathe. A tear slowly rolled down my cheek as I shook my head no.

“You can’t-“

"Yes or no, That's all I want to hear."

His eyes were so pleading and I hated that I was the one breaking his heart but I had no choice.

"You need to be here for your family this year. You know that as well as I do. The last thing we need is a relationship over a cell phone. And that's exactly what will happen, because we'll spend every spare second wanting to talk to each other instead of focusing on our goals. We'll alter everything just to be together, and it shouldn't be that way. Not yet. We need to finish what we-“

“Yes or no.” He lowered himself until he was eye level with me and I couldn’t help but inhale sharply.

“Go back inside,” I hated how weak I sounded and I hated the tears that escaped my eyes.

David stepped back and I quickly climbed into the car before I could change my mind. I rolled down my window but he wasn’t looking at me, instead staring at the ground with a distant look in his eye.

"The one thing I want more than anything is for the whole world to live with you,” he could hear the tears in my voice. "But I have to do what you did for me the day we met. You let me go. You encouraged me to go. And I want the same for you. I want you to follow your passion instead of your heart."

The cab began to back away, and for a split second he looked as though he was debating chasing after me - like he did on the plane all those years ago. But he stood still and swallowed hard, realising my decision was set.

“Fuck!” He cursed at the empty street as the cab backed away. Tears blurred my vision as I left his apartment yet again on March 6th, certain I’d never see David Aames again.

#fanfic #tom cruise #david aames #vanilla sky #march 5 #romance

[analogwriting]

OUGHHH ITS DONE OHHGBMY IM SERIOSLY GONNA CRY AMBROSE..

)&$$&@first off, the rollercoaster of emotions i went thru during this entire series.. it made me so sad and happy at the same time and now that its done o hi jjgjm i cant even express myself rn..

BUT!! I am glad we got our happy ending, “hold the transponder snail” got me giggling fr. Still seriously. my heart hurts from this entire thing ending 😔 I’ll definitely miss waking up to new chapters

the confession scene was done so beautifully oh my goodness… had me kicking my feet I couldnt even read for 2 sentences straight cuz I would get too giddy and end up switching apps midway 💀💀

AND FUCKING EUSTASS??? bros gotta start minding his own business, theres no way he heard all of that 😭 rlly cant have any privacy when u have siblings

but when killer kissed us after taking the medicine I CALLED IT!!! In my mind before the chapter was released i was like “first kiss is gonna be after he takes the cure ik it”

but god seriously that entire series was beautiful, i’ll read it over and over until I turn blind 🥹 i will be missing killer, but i will stick around for mafia cora too!! Cora grew onto me a while back but theres like no content for him shhddhhd I LOVE HIM FOR THE ANGST THO (and also band killer after mafia cora?? CANT WAIT)

anyways sleep with both pillows cold and ur blankets warm, i’ll give u all the kisses in the world for ur wonderful writing

-long rant anon

VKSKFSORKFK ITS OKAY ILL CRY RIGHT THERE WITH YOU FRFR 😭😭

i almost put hold the phone but I was like nah fam gotta make it historically accurate n shii 💀💀 jkjk I just thought it was funnier

I rewrote the confession eight times and I was still unsure about it so I'm glad you liked it 😭😭🥰🥰 i just overthink frfr. you're just like me fr long rant anon. I get too giddy n I gotta switch the apps to calm down 💀

SIBLINGS NEVER GIVE YOU ANY PRIVACY AND THEY ALWAYS BE INTERRUPTING AT THE WORST TIMES so ofc i had to make eustass do that multiple times cause he's a shithead (love you tho kid I swear)

EHEEHHEHE the kiss after the cure is actually one of the first scenes I came up with actually. circumstances around it and some other things changed but cure then hot kiss was always the plan eheheh i can be predictable sometimes 🤷 I'm a sucker for clichés frfr

it means a lot that y'all enjoyed it so much. I went into this thinking that not many people were gonna be into it but I just HAD to get it out. there wasn't a lot of killer content in general but he seems to be having a boom lately and I am HERE for it 😤😤 but I'm glad I ended up doing this bc seeing y'all's kind words really motivate me forreal 🥰

YOURE SO FUCKIN SWEET AND I HOPE YOU ALWAYS HAVE GOOD TIMES FRFR

(might just do a killer au in between all the other ones. I got plenty of em 💀)

#YOU got me giggling n kicking my feet forreal #your words mean so much to meet n youre so sweet #i hope your skin is always clear and you never get tummy aches #am answers

[one-abuse-survivor]

im recovering, slowly but its happening, snd its weird. i feel my emotions a lot stronger now, its been around 6 months since i left my parents' house and some days are great, i feel stronger and way more confident than i ever did there, i have an amazing job and i just love life. but there are days where everything is just too much, like today. every part of me hurts on the inside and im just tired. its like my heart aches and my chest has an emotional pain inside of it. my grandad died 4 years ago almost, and i feel like im finally getting the chance to grieve him. every day i miss him more and more and i just want him back. it feels like he died yesterday. my nanan died just over a year ago and i feel like im just processing shes gone. im grieving my grandparents, my parents(who they used to be before they abused me), and my (practically nonexistent) childhood all at once and it just hurts inside. its a hurt that makes me feel alive but i just want it to stop and leave me alone. im hoping this is a normal/regular thing people like me go through, and im also hoping it gets better soon. i know it wont in the near future, i feel all the memories coming back some days and i can only process one or two at a time, and it sometimes frustrates me because i want to get it over with, like ripping a bandaid off, but i just cant, and it has to be done step by step. i just miss my grandparents. a lot. im crying a lot more lately too, just feeling my emotions so much stronger since ive started to truly process my trauma. do they stay this strong or settle down? im triggered pretty easily, which, in time, i hope stops happening so easily. i know recovery is a hard road but im thankful and very grateful that i got the chance to start it so early in life. im 19, moved out at 18, and its a bit hard, just so thankful i have a good therapist 😂 sometimes i just get so angry at everything and want to just hurt myself to make the pain stop, or just feel like i do today, slow and tired and achy. i get the rare amazingly happy day, and make sure i enjoy it, dw hahah but idk i just wanted to vent/say this in hopes of hearing that other people are going through this too, and that im not alone

Hey, nonnie. I'm so glad to hear you're away from your parents and recovering from the abuse and trauma you endured. That's amazing, I'm really happy for you ❤️

Yes, in my experience, it is normal to experience these sort of shifts inside you, especially during the first few years of recovery. I personally also went through phases where I would cry almost daily, phases where my emotions seemed out of control, or where I randomly felt immense grief/anger/sadness/disgust. And I can tell you that, in my case, with the help of time and therapy, the bad days, which used to be frequent and leave me exhausted, have become rare and much more manageable. Now, 5 years into recovery, I can have a bad trauma moment (hell, I can even run into my mother) and still enjoy the rest of my day. And my emotions have become much more stable, too. I rarely feel like I'm not in control of them.

Obviously, not everything is easy or perfect. I still live with PTSD, and there's plenty of things I still need to keep working on, like being vulnerable and trusting others, but... The good days have definitely become the norm over time, instead of the exception. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I had a proper emotional flashback or ugly-cried from how overwhelmed I felt (knocking on wood, haha).

So, yes, nonnie, it does get better with time. Recovery isn't linear—I'm sure you've heard that already—but it does get better. Though there may be ups and downs, and you might go through completely unexpected lows as you process all your emotions, the tendency will be to move upwards, and, if you're anything like me, one day you'll wake up and realise you can't even remember the last time you ugly-cried or felt like the world was ending. You'll just be living your life.

You're doing amazingly! There might still be bad days ahead of you, but there are countless good days to come, too.

I hope you can find ways to safely express your anger with the help of your therapist, and I hope you have the space and tools to process some of your grief and trauma memories as they resurface.

Sending a big virtual hug ❤️

Oh, and if anyone else wants to reassure anon that they're not alone, feel free to do so!

#Ask #Abuse tw #abusive parents #abuse recovery #Death tw #Grief tw #family death tw #Child abuse tw #Vent #Trauma tw #Trauma recovery #Self harm mention #Sh mention

[pesterloglog]

Jade Harley, Jadesprite

Act 5, page 3240-3247

JADE: uuugh

JADE: what happened?

JADESPRITE: boo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo

JADE: oh god

JADESPRITE: what did you do what did you do what did you do

JADE: oh no oh god.....

JADE: what did i dooooo

JADE: um... jade?

JADESPRITE: boo hoo hoooooo

JADE: what is the matter?

JADE: why are you so sad?

JADESPRITE: what did you do to me??

JADE: i prototyped you and brought you back!

JADE: should i not have?

JADESPRITE: no!

JADESPRITE: you shouldnt have, this is overwhelming and awful

JADE: oh no, it is?

JADESPRITE: yes!

JADESPRITE: its hard to describe what its like

JADESPRITE: but its too much for me

JADESPRITE: and the sun...

JADESPRITE: its way too big and bright and i cant stop seeing it...

JADESPRITE: it wont go away aaaaah!

JADE: :(

JADE: thats terrible, im really sorry

JADE: i guess i did not think this through

JADESPRITE: cant this be undone?

JADESPRITE: i was happy where i was with my friends

JADESPRITE: i want to go back

JADE: i dont think...

JADE: that it can be undone :(

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADESPRITE: woof :'(

JADE: :o

JADE: well...

JADE: now i dont know what to do

JADE: i really messed up, i feel so bad

JADESPRITE: i dont know what to do with myself either

JADESPRITE: i think i will just go somewhere else

JADESPRITE: i want to be alone

JADE: where would you go?

JADESPRITE: i dont know

JADESPRITE: i think i can travel anywhere now

JADESPRITE: but all id like to do is go back

JADESPRITE: and i dont know if thats possible

JADESPRITE: i wonder if theres a way...

JADE: but you cant!

JADE: i mean, not just yet, please?

JADESPRITE: why

JADE: i know you are upset jade

JADE: but i did sort of bring you back for a reason

JADESPRITE: why, why would you do this?

JADE: we need your help!

JADESPRITE: who?

JADE: well, all of us here

JADE: me and dave and rose and john

JADESPRITE: john!!!!!!!!!!!

JADESPRITE: oh noooooo, john...

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: D:

JADE: what is it now!

JADESPRITE: john, poor john...

JADESPRITE: id forgotten about him

JADE: what do you mean, how could you forget about john???

JADESPRITE: it was so long ago! i put that sad memory behind me

JADESPRITE: after we died i looked all over for him but couldnt find him

JADESPRITE: and i was so lonely, but i finally got over it when i met my friends.....

JADESPRITE: and now theyre gone toooo aaahhhh boooooooo hoo hoo hoo hoo

JADE: but john didnt die!

JADE: i saved him

JADE: YOU saved him, dont you remember?

JADE: you pushed him out of the way of prospits moon at the last minute, and hes ok now!!!

JADESPRITE: oh my god prospit.....

JADESPRITE: ...........

JADE: oh nooo jade please dont

JADESPRITE: BOOOOOOOOOOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: :C

JADESPRITE: why are you doing this to me, why are you making me remember

JADE: :(

JADESPRITE: it was so beautiful and it was all destroyed before i even knew what was going on....

JADESPRITE: and so many nice people were killed

JADE: i know jade i was there too...

JADE: these are both our memories!

JADESPRITE: and the queen, did she survive?

JADESPRITE: and her ring, i was protecting her ring, oh noooo what happened to it???

JADE: jade, pleeease...

JADESPRITE: i was just waiting for john to wake up, i was so sure it was going to be soon

JADESPRITE: and i was going to show him around prospit

JADESPRITE: i had so many things planned and so many friends to introduce him to...

JADESPRITE: he was my best friend and i was looking forward to meeting him for so long

JADESPRITE: but then it all burned down and everyone died and the moon fell and..........

JADE: stop...

JADE: you are going to make me cry too, stop it!!!

JADESPRITE: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo

JADE: *sob*

JADESPRITE: woooof...

JADE: PFFheheh... *sob* hehehehehehe

JADESPRITE: i dont want to be here, i have to go back

JADESPRITE: but i dont know how

JADESPRITE: can you help me?

JADE: you want me to help you...

JADE: die again?

JADESPRITE: yes, i think thats what i would like

JADESPRITE: i cant take this, i wasnt ready to come back

JADESPRITE: not like this

JADE: wow...

JADE: ok, i know this is my fault

JADE: but that is a really hard thing to ask me to do!

JADE: even if it was possible the way you are now

JADE: i dont think i could go through with it :(

JADESPRITE: boo hoo hoo hoo hoo

JADE: ok ok shhhhh...

JADE: jade listen

JADE: i never did tell you why i brought you back

JADE: and it may be that

JADE: if you attempt what i wanted you to do in the first place

JADE: god i cant believe im saying this...

JADE: but you might end up getting what you want anyway

JADE: because it was always going to be risky

JADESPRITE: what is it?

JADE: well, you remember the guy who destroyed prospit?

JADESPRITE: oh god D:

JADESPRITE: ohh god noooooo...

JADE: shh!!!

JADE: anyway, he is the reason i brought you here

JADE: he has the same powers you have, making him unbeatable to us...

JADE: but maybe not you!

JADE: so you could go find him and

JADESPRITE: you want me to fight him???

JADE: um

JADESPRITE: are you crazy? do i look like i am ready to fight anybody???????

JADE: i just thought

JADE: as long as youre here

JADESPRITE: i cant fight anybody!

JADESPRITE: jade i am scared and confused and sad and...

JADESPRITE: i wouldnt even know how to begin fighting that horrible guy

JADESPRITE: i would be too afraid of him to even go find him

JADE: but

JADE: i thought you wanted to die?

JADE: you wouldnt go even if he could...

JADESPRITE: no i dont want him to kill me!!!

JADESPRITE: you just dont understand aaaaa boo hoo hoo

JADE: jeez...

JADE: youre right, i really dont

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: i said SHH!

JADE: wow

JADE: jade...

JADE: i dont mean to be insensitive but

JADE: there is a lot at stake here!

JADESPRITE: woof

JADE: i... pfhehe, dont change the subject!

JADE: i mean, dont you remember what this was all about?

JADE: what you were working for... what WE were working for all those years before you died?

JADE: remember what we saw in the clouds, or what the queen told us?

JADESPRITE: uh...

JADE: how could you not remember john survived?

JADE: we both saw him in a cloud! he was in his dream suit and awake, reading our letter!

JADE: didnt you think about that?

JADESPRITE: ummmm, so? what does it matter?

JADE: ...

JADESPRITE: it was all a lie jade. what we saw in the clouds and all that. none of it meant anything

JADE: what!!!!!

JADE: how can you SAY that?

JADESPRITE: it was a nice life, but everything we did lead to nothing

JADESPRITE: john and i both died, and i eventually accepted that and moved on

JADE: JOHN DIDNT DIE!!!

JADE: omg...

JADE: this is so frustrating, i just told you he didnt

JADE: i knew i was kind of ditzy and forgetful in my dreams, but

JADESPRITE: boooo ho-

JADE: SHHHHH! okaaaaaay, jeez!

JADE: i just dont know what to think

JADE: i guess you are part of me, and you are who i was when i slept

JADE: but it makes me sad to think i would act like this

JADESPRITE: act like what?

JADE: i would like to think that even if i was sad and scared, if i was put in a position where everyone depended on me, i could put all those feelings aside and do whats right!

JADESPRITE: but i dont know whats right

JADE: yes you do!

JADE: even though you dont want to be, youre here now, and there are still people who need you

JADE: there is still something worth fighting for!

JADESPRITE: no!!!

JADESPRITE: not for me there isnt

JADESPRITE: there is nothing but death and sadness and destruction here

JADESPRITE: theres no hope, and i dont see anything worth fighting for

JADE: that is a horrible thing to say!

JADESPRITE: i dont belong here anyway

JADESPRITE: really none of this is my business anymore and i want to go home

JADE: AUGH!

JADE: that is SO SELFISH!!!

JADE: i cant believe this

JADE: how can you say these things, dont you remember anything that the queen told us?

JADE: that we would eventually build a new world and make a future together with our friends?

JADE: dont you remember being excited about finding out what that meant?

JADESPRITE: yes

JADESPRITE: but it was just a story

JADESPRITE: it was never going to come true

JADE: yes it will!!!

JADE: some of us, the ones who still have hope, are fighting for that RIGHT NOW

JADE: how can you have such a negative outlook on absolutely everything?

JADESPRITE: boo hoo ho-

JADE: shut up!!!!!!

JADE: stop being such a damn crybaby!

JADE: really, we both had the EXACT SAME EXPERIENCES. and look, i am managing to keep my head up, see?

JADE: you dont even have the full picture either, because you checked out early!

JADE: you didnt have to stand by as bec gave jack his powers when you might have been able to stop that

JADE: and you didnt have to watch as jack became so strong he could appear anywhere and kill anyone you loved at any moment!

JADE: you didnt have to see a dave lying in his own blood :(

JADESPRITE: what...

JADESPRITE: dave?

JADESPRITE: he died too?

JADE: no, see...

JADESPRITE: ohhhh boo-

JADE: HEY! no. youre not allowed to cry about that because you DIDNT SEE IT

JADE: thats the whole point!!!

JADE: you are just looking for any excuse you can to be sad and useless and its starting to piss me off!

JADESPRITE: *sniffle*

JADE: no

JADESPRITE: *whimper*

JADE: NO. BAD.

JADESPRITE: aaaaaaaBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: NO, FOR GODS SAKE WILL YOU SHUT UP AND PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, YOU ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY

JADESPRITE: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

JADE: I SAID PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER YOU BLUBBERING GODDAMN PANSY

JADESPRITE: AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: JUST SHUT UP. DRY YOUR CRYBABY EYES, STOP BEING A COWARD, AND GO FIGHT JACK NOIR!!!!!!!!!!!!

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: SHUT UP

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: NO

JADE: JUST

JADE: GOD DAMN IT

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: PLEASE

JADE: JUST ONCE

JADE: SHUT THE HELL UP

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: SHUT UP

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: SHUT

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: THE

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: FUCK

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: UP

JADESPRITE: 😭

#homestuck #jade harley #jadesprite #homestuck act 5 #page 3240 #page 3241 #page 3242 #page 3243 #page 3244 #page 3245 #page 3246 #page 3247 #homestuck act 5 act 2

[ohyoru]

Hey im not good with words or english, but its ok to feel burnt out or tired. Youre not obligated to provide anything to us. You are an author who writes for free. Maybe to have fun maybe to express yourself. You have your own life and thats a good thing. I havent been playing genshin in a while because theres so much work i need to do there like building characters. I havent watched link click s2 because i cant bring myself to sit down for that long. Im sure everyone has something like this happening to them and i just remind myself that it doesnt matter that much. Post unfinished things, make your character builds crap, dont finish a book youve started it doesntmatter. Its about having fun. Its about forgetting your problems(at least for me) or its about spending time with your online friends. Taking a break is necessary. Spending time for yourself is necessary. Taking care of yourself is necessary. I hope i could get my message across. I cant even take my own advice seriously as im too scared to post this without anon but i hope i was able to make you feel better somehow. I also want to say i really love your works even if i dont know who the person you’re writing about is. Ive been following your works for a while and i dont regret it one bit. I would be pretty sad if you were to stop writing for certain people but if it makes you feel happy then i dont mind and im sure others wouldn’t mind it as well. Youre free to do whatever you want ( as long as youre not intruding on other peoples freedom obviously) thank you for reading my wordvomit written in an attempt to comfort you.

dearie anon,

to have you in my inbox is already a blessing enough for me. thank you so much for taking the time of your day to cheer me up, you have no idea how much this means to me (brb crying i dont deserve you sob)

first of all, your message got across. i'm not sure about your english being not good part, but really, your message resonates with me on a level deeper than language can ever explain, truly.

i appreciate your kind reminder that i shouldn't feel obliged to write for anyone. i honestly feel like it's eating me out because i put myself in the equation as well. i had been a writer before, back when tokyo revengers (anime) was still in its first season since i'm more of a manga reader. if you were in that era, you might came across my work. alas, things happened. what used to be good memories (including writing) turned into very hurtful ones and i stopped doing what i love because they're causing me so much pain. nonetheless, i still slowly died inside. it took me a while to be at peace with my past and understand that writing is what makes me the person i am. so i'm determined to start again and keep it up. but when life gets in the way and hold me back from writing (again), it depresses me. (including not playing genshin). honestly, i'm feeling lonely. what and who i used to know and love seemed to only exist in the past. people moved on, topics became irrelevant, relationship broke. which i don't blame, but it still makes me cry once in a while.

sorry for the traumadump uh- i feel like i should explain myself a little. i hope that didn't scare you too much. but anyway, you're right! i should do whatever i want. maybe i need to reframe my perspective. i love that you mention about reading book thingy because i have the same issue and yes, i'm a reader through and through. but it's been so long since i read.. the irony. maybe all i need to do is start. and love myself a bit more to stop torturing myself with unnecessary thoughts..

you know what anon? i love the past me. i dont remember exactly what i love about her, but she used to be so at peace. i'm trying to find my way back to her, and i think you're helping me set my way there, so thank you. i dont know about your problems, but if you're willing to share, i'm more than happy to listen. don't forget to take care of yourself too okay? i hope your days ahead are the loveliest yet!

also, thank you for appreciating my works! when i started writing again, i told myself and whoever that's willing to take the time of their day to consume my content that i don't need anyone's attention or approval (shadowban be damned. if it happens, it happens). i did it solely for myself. but god knows how much your kind words and others' fill up the spaces in my heart.

i'm not going to ask anything from my works. your support is something i could never repay, but i'll always appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.

(btw yes, you did send this on anon hehe i got a hunch on who you might be but if you prefer to keep it a secret, then rest assured, your secret is safe with me!)

#no seriously anon #are you an angel???? #also link click 2 is a pain to watch #please take your time to watch it #thank you once again anon for sending me this ilysm mwah mwah mwah!! #yoru's mailbox

[xbooklover26x]

Things about me that probably no one will ever care to know

- I love reading cos it lets me escape for a while

- I'm obsessed with the characters and they mean a lot to me cos they're a constant, they're reliable and they cant hurt me

- every night I fall asleep to scenarios i make up in my head cos I dont think I'm ever going to experience the scenarios in real life so scenarios are the best I'm gonna get

- I still love teddies and stuff cos I dont think I get enough hugs in real life, so i go to them for hugs

- I love stray kids sm bcos the way they connect with their fans sm makes me feel loved and appreciated, ik its sad

- I've always been drawn to felix bcos his soul seems so pure and hes such a beautiful person that it gives me hope for people ig

- every night I have to have at least a few hours completely alone in my room or everything can feel a bit too much

- fandoms are my safe place bcos I dont feel judged when I'm in them

- I'm a hellenic polytheist or a hellenic pagan, I havent worked that part out yet

- I feel such a huge connection and pull to the greek deities and I respect them sm

- i dont have to convince myself I believe in them like I had to with the Christian god, i truly do just believe in them

- after I got confirmed I had about a week or so where I tried so hard to be a good Christian

- I stopped following christian beliefs when I realised I didnt understand why such a benevolent god would allow so much hatred and pain on the earth

- only about 5 people know about my religion, I hate it but I'm too scared to tell people bcos I think they'll think its stupid

- I have to have music playing if I'm doing everyday tasks, it helps me focus and enjoy what in doing

- my biggest bookshelf is organised by the first letter of the last name of the author bcos it's easy for me to navigate

- I'm secretly so proud of the way my bookshelves look, I tried pretty hard to make them look nice and they bring me a lot of happiness

- last time I counted, i had 417 books, i was so proud of my collection

- I have a lot of mental health problems, but I ignore them most of the time cos my friends are more important than me

- I create a different personality for basically everyone I meet bcos it's so important to me that people like me

- I've done it so much I'm not sure what my actual personality is

- I discovered I was pansexual after I decided I enjoyed 'I Kissed A Girl' too much and did some Google quizzes during lockdown

- I hadnt heard of pansexuality before but when I looked into it the label felt so right

- I spent my 16th birthday with 2 of the most important people to me, and I loved it

- I'm scared of trying to find a fashion style to wear bcos I'm worried I'm not thin enough to make outfits look good

- I love so passionately and strongly, and I'm scared no one will return that love but I'm also kinda proud of how much I can love ig

- crying gives me a headache and itchy eyes, so when I feel like crying I watch something ik will make me laugh

- after closing night of my first (and last) school show I cried the entire night

- I make myself laugh a lot more than I probably should

- I'll go through periods of not eating fruit then one day randomly eat a banana and remember how much I like them

- I'm bad at saving money but I wanna get better

- I have a strong attachment to the show All Of Us Are Dead bcos the characters feel familiar and real

- and the cast is really pretty

- when I love something I try to force it upon my friends, usually unsuccessfully

- I think nature cam be really pretty but I'm hardly in it cos it makes my hayfever bad

- I'm learning Korean and Greek bcos I think both are such beautiful languages and I like the challenge

- the day I realised I'd matured was when I felt more drawn to characters who would be good for me in a relationship situation, rather than ones who would be kinda toxic or too difficult

- I could talk about the things I love for hours (especially stray kids right now) but I hardly ever get the chance to

- I wrote all of this to see if it would make me feel better about me to be so truthful, and ig it did a bit