#cost me a lot too especially my last major split | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

chaoticminhos · 4 years

Text

crash and burn

pairing: han jisung x reader x hwang hyunjin

genre: angst, smut (hyunjin) mafia au

warnings: bomb explosion, injury.

word count: 10.5k

a/n: mafia jisung was requested, as was power play/fighting for dominance with hyunjin, so I combined them together to make a spicier plot >:) not very proof read

run away.

what a powerful human instinct. when put in a situation of possible danger, humans have two options; fight through it or run away from it. you’d always been one to run if the possibility came up, and your current situation was no exception.

your heart pounded against your rib cage as you ran with the little bit of effort you had left inside of you. the meeting had gone south and you received one order from chan- get back to the base safe.

being the only girl on the mission, you were the most heavily followed when your team split, aside from chan, of course, nothing was more important than capturing the leader.

you didn’t know exactly how many people were following you, but you heard at least three sets of feet running behind you. luckily for you, you were in your side of town. you knew the terrain and they didn’t.

you bolted into a dim alleyway, running through it and towards a crowded part of the town. even at night, there were bound to be people. way too many people for the people chasing you to do anything and not get caught.

you didn’t make it to your destination, though. as you ran past a particular building, a door swung open and you were dragged in as the door slapped behind you and you heard the lock click.

immediately you began to struggle. you were so damn close to safety, you were not getting caught now, not by some bastard who-

“y/n, jesus christ, calm the fuck down.”

you relaxed at the voice, but still worked to free yourself of his grip.

“what the fuck, jisung? i was almost safe in town.”

he kept his hold on you, holding your body close to his, “and now you’re safe here. and you’re with me, that’s an added bonus.”

as much as you wanted to be mad at him for scaring you like he had, you couldn’t bring yourself to keep a scowl on your face when he was holding you so close and looking at you like he was.

he leaned down and placed a kiss to your lips before taking your hand and leading you through the building and towards an exit on the other side.

“you were the only one not home yet, chan got worried.”

you laughed, “so he sent the least trained team member to save me?”

he raised an eyebrow, “just because i’m newest doesn’t mean i’m not trained well.”

you shrugged, he wasn’t wrong. jisung had only joined your brother’s group a couple months ago, but he was one hell of a learner. he picked up on firearms almost immediately despite having only basic experience with them. he was amazing at hand to hand combat, already better than hyunjin despite him having nearly a year over jisung in training. that wasn’t to say hyunjin was bad at combat, it just meant jisung was freaky good.

he cracked open a door and peaked out before deciding it was clear and leading you back outside. he seemed calm, but his free hand, the one not holding onto yours, was secure to the weapon in his waistband. it could be assumed that the men chasing you had given up by now, but one could never be sure.

it wasn’t a far walk to the mansion, not that you’d mind if it was. you had no problem spending time alone with jisung.

he wasn’t your boyfriend, but you’d say you had a romantic relationship with him. you’d hooked up with him too many times and he held your hand far too often not to classify it as a relationship. that’s how you thought of it, anyway. the two of you never discussed it.

jisung typed in the code to unlock the door and stepped in before you. you were met with the rest of the members sitting and waiting for your return. it was usual to have a full group meeting after a mission, especially one that went as wrong as this one had.

the only open places were separate from each other. so you released jisung’s hand from yours and took the closest one, which was between hyunjin and your brother, chan.

“obviously we took a blow tonight. it was stupid of me to think we could trust them despite their connections to our enemy. i’m fine with the hit as long as none of you got hurt. still, we can’t let them get away with stealing from us. we’re going to have to retaliate.” he stood, he was referring to the thousands of dollars in the bags he’d brought to make a fair trade that ended up being stolen, “get some rest and we’ll discuss a plan in the morning.”

it didn’t take more than that to convince the majority of you to head to your rooms. you stood to leave, but jisung stopped you by calling your name.

“y/n,” he smirked, “my room?”

your face flushed at his question, more at the fact that he asked it so loudly in front of everybody than anything else. it wasn’t like what was happening between you two was a secret, but still. your best friends and older brother were in the room, for christs sake.

you nodded and made your way to jisung, following him to his bedroom.

“can you two at least be quiet this time? if you wanna be up all night that’s on you, but let the rest of us sleep.”

you sent a wide eyed glare at changbin for his words, but jisung just laughed.

“no promises.”

you were woken up the next morning by jeongin pounding on jisung’s door to say that chan wanted everyone downstairs. it seemed he’d already came up with a plan to get the money back.

you didn’t bother to get dressed, instead just pulling one of jisung’s oversized shirts over your head and calling it good.

you walked down the stairs with jisung and were met by a glare from changbin, “you weren’t quiet.”

chan didn’t allow you or jisung to reply as he got right into his plan.

it wouldn’t get stray kids their money back, but it would ensure that ateez, the gang who’d stolen it, wouldn’t be able to use it for anything other than repairs.

the plan was to set fire to a building known to be home to a lot of their business. it’s where they stored things and made the drugs they sold, so burning it to the ground would cost them a lot. not only would it destroy their headquarters, it would burn thousands of dollars worth of product. it was technically a government building, a law firm, but it obviously didn’t cost more than ateez had to bribe the government to let them make drugs in the basement of their building.

it wasn’t a super elaborate plan. he would just send a couple of you in to light the basement up and one of you in to pull the fire alarm once it was on fire. he didn’t care about getting ateez’s men out safe and alive, but there were a lot of innocent people in that building.

“my target is the building,” he made it very clear, “the target is not the people.”

still, you all had permission to shoot any ateez member you came in contact with as long as you were absolutely sure they were actually a part of the whole thing, not just some unknowing employee at the firm.

“we’re going in tonight. they had last night to feel like they won, i’m not giving them a second good nights sleep.”

you all nodded in understanding.

“you’re excused. but stay open, i’ll let you know further details soon.”

naturally, you and jisung took the option of a mostly free day and decided to go to town. he never called it a date, but he held your hand while he walked you to the restaurant and let you choose where to go. he even payed for your meal. he did everything a boyfriend would. a title wasn’t needed.

you lead jisung through the small restaurant and into the back corner where you liked to sit. it was one of your favorite noodle places to go to, you’d been there enough to have a favorite seat.

you didn’t bother with a menu, you knew what you wanted. jisung didn’t grab one either. he’d taken here you way too many times not to know what food he liked. the waitress approached the table.

“can i get you drinks to get started?”

“we’re ready to order, actually.” jisung smiled at her. you noticed the way she scanned his features as she smiled back.

“what can i get for you then, sir?”

you had to stop yourself from rolling your eyes at her flirty tone. wasn’t it obvious you were there together? as a pair?

jisung ordered his regular and you mustered up a fake smile as you voiced your own order as well. she assured you both that your drinks would be out soon and left to put in your orders, but not before gently placing a hand on jisung’s shoulder for a moment. you chose not to mention your frustration to jisung.

he reached across the table and took grip of your hand, “who do you think chan will send in?”

apparently he wouldn’t voice his opinion on the waitress, either.

you shrugged, “i’m not sure. minho and changbin maybe.” you thought for a moment, “but they might recognize changbin. he’s always at negotiations.”

“you?”

“maybe. it can’t be hard to get a girl into that place.”

jisung let out a small laugh, “that’s true.”

just then, your drinks were placed in front of you. you slid your hands out from under jisung’s to make room for the glasses. you smiled and thanked her for the drinks, expecting her to leave and get back to work. instead, though, she stayed. she brought her hand back to jisungs shoulder. she addressed both of you as she spoke, but you could tell her focus was on jisung.

“what’s the plans for today?”

“nothing really.” jisung spoke, “probably heading home after this.”

she raised an eyebrow, “you two live together?”

you were going to respond, but jisung got there before you.

“our whole friend group lives together.”

she nodded but was called off by her boss before she had the chance to respond.

again, you ignored her actions and went back to casually talking to jisung. it wasn’t long before she was back again, this time with your food.

“enjoy your food!” she chirped before walking away.

she didn’t bother you anymore while you ate, only reappearing when jisung flagged her over and asked for the check. she brought it and he payed. you took note of the tip he gave, not overly generous but not skimpy.

she lingered for a moment before speaking as you were getting up and ready to leave.

“if you don’t mind me asking,” she was speaking to jisung, “could i get your number?”

he chuckled, raising his hands in defense.

“oh, no, i’m sorry.”

he took your hand and looked to you in hopes that she’d get the point.

“oh,” she pretended as if she hadn’t noticed the signs of you two being together the entire time, “i’m sorry! i didn’t realize she was your girlfriend!”

you missed the way jisung faltered for a moment at the word. girlfriend.

he assured her it was okay before the two of you hurried out of the restaurant. the second the door shut behind you, jisung laughed.

“that was uncomfortable.”

you chuckled back, “little bit.”

your hand still in his, jisung walked you back to the mansion and you spent the rest of the day curled into his side watching television on his bed. after the restaurant incident, you two decided to just go home instead of staying in town.

you were right in the middle of an episode when your phone rang, indicating that chan had called a meeting.

“looks like it’s go time.”

“y/n, hyunjin, and felix will be going in.” chan explained the plan, “felix is the distraction. he’ll be pretending to be a customer and speaking with anyone that needs to be distracted while y/n and hyunjin get to the basement and light it up.”

“why them?” changbin questioned. it wasn’t that he didn’t agree with his choice, he just wanted the reason behind it. he needed to be able to think like chan. if anything happened to him, changbin was next in line.

“it’s unlikely that anyone will recognize y/n. she’s just another girl to them. hyunjin is there in case someone does.”

and just like that, you were sitting in the back of a truck with rigged up bombs shoved between you and hyunjin. it would be too hard to get a ton of accelerant like gasoline in there without someone noticing, so chan opted for explosives.

seungmin was driving and jisung was in the passenger seat. no one was speaking, it always got deadly quiet before missions.

she car stopped in front of a big building that you recognized as the law firm and jisung stepped out to open the door for you and hyunjin. you got out, doing your best to block the contents of the car from anyone walking by as you loaded the devices into every pocket you had on you. another car pulled up behind you and the rest of the boys stepped out, including felix. chan gave the signal to go.

jisung stopped you before you could enter the building, though. he leaned down and placed a gentle kiss to your forehead.

“be careful.”

you smiled and followed the two boys into the building.

felix split off immediately to the front desk. his task was to distract everyone as you and hyunjin found your way to the basement. his first conquest was the lady at the front desk. it was working so far, he had the desk attendants full attention and she didn’t even notice as you and hyunjin slinked into a staircase clearly labeled employees only.

it took a while for the two of you to find your way to where you needed to be, but you got there.

the first obstacle was the workroom packed full of people that you needed to get past in order to get to the planting location. chan had showed you a map of the layout of the building and told you to pack most of the bombs into the warehouse where storage was. he had told you over and over again, the target was the product. and where was product stored? the warehouse.

hyunjin lowered his head and gestured for you to follow him as he began to cross the room. you were worried at first, wouldn’t someone notice you? wouldn’t you seem out of place?

the answer was no. it seemed that most of the workers couldn’t tell one person from another.

it was obvious that their payment for working was a cut of the product, not money.

finally, you reached two big, swinging factory doors. that had to be the warehouse.

you watched as hyunjin scanned the room to make sure no ones eyes were on you before leading you into the warehouse.

it was empty for the most part, just a couple people. that meant that you’d seem more out of place than you did in the busy workroom. you had to be careful about being seen. you saw now why chan chose hyunjin specifically as the one to go with you, he was excellent at avoiding detection. he was trained and brought into the group for his spy work. despite his tall figure and clumsy nature, he was quiet and quick on his feet. you had to be careful not to lose him yourself.

the two of you began packing explosives into any space you could find, trying to spread them out evenly but still close enough that they would set each other off. you slowly moved through the entire large room together, one watching the others back as they carefully placed a package. you and hyunjin worked quickly as a team, yet another reason chan had sent the two of you in. he knew the dynamics, he knew who worked well together and how well they worked.

you were covering hyunjin’s back as he placed his last few bundles when an alarm rang through the building. you quickly registered it as the fire alarm. that meant felix had pulled the fire alarm. he pulled it before there was any sign of fire.

you and hyunjin were supposed to be the ones to pull the alarm when you were finished placing the bombs. you were supposed to be the ones letting felix know when it was time to get out, not the other way around. there was only one time felix was ordered to pull the alarm, and it was if the two of you or himself got compromised.

felix had pulled the alarm, and that meant get out, they know you’re here.

you tossed the last few bundles you had and watched as hyunjin lit the fuse to one of the bigger bombs, one that was sure to set off all of the ones near it and bring the building crashing down. the explosives looked small, but they could tear down entire buildings with enough of them, and oh boy, you and hyunjin sure had planted enough.

you allowed hyunjin to take grip of your wrist and lead you out of the warehouse and through the crowd to the exit. you were nearly there when you felt his hand leave your wrist and someone else’s arms around you.

“i thought i recognized you.”

that’s funny, you thought, because you didn’t recognize him. from his word choice and location though, you figured he was part of ateez.

you struggled in his arms and desperately tried to find hyunjin in the crowd, but you’d lost him.

you knew the rules, if something were to happen in a situation like this, your orders were to get out. there wasn’t time to try to get your partners out. if hyunjin lost you like you lost him, he wouldn’t spend more than a few seconds trying to find you before turning and leaving the building himself. it wasn’t anything personal, it was chans orders.

you thrashed in the strange mans arms. he obviously wasn’t taking the blaring fire alarm seriously, as he made no attempt to get closer to the door. you tried to reason with him, screaming that you’d rigged the place and it would go up in flames any second, but he wouldn’t budge. either he didn’t believe you or he didn’t care.

you managed to break free from his hold and your eyes locked with the exit. you felt your legs ache as you ran as hard as you could to get out of the building that was set to blow up any second.

the last thing you heard was chan’s voice screaming in your ear to get out and get to safety with the rest of them before the earpiece was blown off of you from the shock of the impact coming from the exploding flames.

watching from a safe distance away outside, hyunjin fell to his knees in guilt as the boys watched the building crash and fall with you still inside.

you struggled to hear past the ringing in your ears as three men kneeled down beside you. their lips were moving, but you couldn’t make out any words.

you tried to fight back as they roughed you around, not registering the situation. they got you onto a backboard and someone placed something over your mouth and once again you tried to fight it off, but you didn’t have the strength.

you barely registered the change in scenery as you were carried out of the building and lifted into an ambulance. your eyes were blurry from the smoke and you swore you could still hear the alarms blaring in your ears.

the doors of the ambulance were being pulled shut when someone put their body in the way, jumping onto the ambulance with you. the emergency staff tried to push him back, but he insisted on staying.

“it’s my sister.”

you didn’t process the new body as chan. in your haze, it was just another person smothering you and refusing to turn off whatever the fuck was ringing in your ears.

you couldn’t say how long the ride to the hospital was. in all honesty, you couldn’t even say with certainty that you recalled the ride at all. you were drifting in and out of consciousness and you barely made the connection they you’d been taken from the vehicle and into the hospital building.

you felt someone squeezing your hand before they were pushed away and you were rolled into a room full of doctors and bright lights. you remembered asking someone to turn the lights down before everything went black.

you woke up in a hospital bed with your head pounding like crazy. the lights were dim as you looked around the small room, but you still recognized the boy sitting in the corner.

“channie?”

his head shot up and he made his way to you.

“hey, i’m here.”

your mind coming off of it’s tired haze finally began to register the pain coursing through your body.

“what happened?”

“you were still in the building when the bombs went off.”

you glanced around the room and, finally processing that you were in an actual hospital and not being cared for by one of the boys, began to panic.

“why am i here?”

he grabbed your shoulders and made you lay still, “EMTs found you before we did. it’s okay, they don’t know you started it. they think you were just an innocent civilian in the building.”

you calmed down upon hearing that he wasn’t angry at you for being hospitalized.

generally, you avoided hospitals the best you could. the whole team opted instead to let their injuries and illness he cared for by one of the others. it was safer than putting yourself in the public eye with questionable injuries.

chan backed away from you when a nurse stepped into the room, dragging a large cart behind her.

“hey,” she softly greeted, “your monitor showed you were awake. i need to take your vitals.”

she smiled at chan and gestured for him to sit back down in the guest chair as she checked your vitals. apparently nothing was out of the ordinary, because she smiled at you before wheeling the cart out of the room and calling behind her that she would let your other guests know you were awake.

only moments after she left, hyunjin, jeongin, felix, and jisung stepped into the room.

“the others are at home tending to injuries.” chan informed you, “none of them are hurt as bad as you.”

you nodded, heart falling when you looked up and saw the tears running down hyunjin’s face. he leaned down and wrapped his arms around you and you laughed.

“what, you big baby?”

“i’m so sorry, y/n, i’m so sorry.”

you hushed him and pushed him off of you with a wince. your entire body was sore, and although he didn’t mean to, that boy hugged like he wanted to suffocate you.

“it’s not your fault.”

you scanned the room and greeted the other three boys. it was odd to you that jisung hadn’t said a single word or made a move to hug you, or even be anywhere closer to you than the door, since they’d walked in.

you weren’t given time to think much of it before who you assumed was your doctor walked through the door, immediately turning to speak to chan.

“your sister could go home today or we could keep her and monitor her for a few more days just to be sure. it’s your call.”

chan nodded, politely stating that he would prefer to take you home. the doctor nodded before handing chan your release papers.

you felt slightly frustrated that he wasn’t addressing you, you were an adult and could sign your own papers, but you understood why he was going through chan.

as if reading your mind, the doctor turned to you.

“would you like me to send in a nurse to help you get dressed or will one of these boys be helping you?”

you looked expectantly towards jisung, but his eyes were trained out the window.

“i’d like a nurse to help, if you don’t mind.”

he nodded kindly and lead the boys out of the room. chan left last after placing a bundle of clean clothes on the foot of your bed. you guessed the ones you had been wearing were torn up from the shrapnel and impact.

it didn’t take long before a nurse was stepping through the door and pulling a curtain over the windows to the rest of the hospital to give you privacy.

she helped you stand and step into your clothes and you couldn’t stop thanking her for being patient with you as you slowly moved your aching body. you winced as you lifted your arms above your head and let her slip a sweatshirt over your body.

you expected it to be awkward, having a random lady dress you, but she was so kind that it didn’t feel too uncomfortable.

she slipped warm socks onto your feet before helping you into your shoes and offering you an arm to help you stand. she walked you out your hospital room door where there was a wheelchair waiting for you. she gently lowered you down into it and turned to the boys.

“no heavy lifting for a few weeks and she may need help with things like showering, changing, or getting up from lying down or sitting. i would suggest keeping her in bed for a few days or at least until the bruising and swelling has gone down.”

she continued to go through precautions regarding your health, including keeping you away from bright lights and loud sounds to prevent your headaches from getting worse. she seemed skeptical as chan declined setting up a follow up appointment for you to come back and be checked again, but she eventually let it go. she waved you goodbye as chan wheel you down the hallway and out of the building. he, jeongin, hyunjin, and jisung waited with you as felix went to pull the car up for you.

you couldn’t help but feel worried and confused as jisung continued to ignore you. he hadn’t said a single word to you since you’d woken up.

felix pulled up and hyunjin opened the car door as he and chan carefully lifted you into a seat. chan returned the wheelchair back to the hospital and hyunjin climbed in beside you.

it was obvious he felt guilty about leaving you in the building when he himself had gotten out without a scratch.

the drive home was relatively quiet. you started out the window while hyunjin held your hand in his.

felix was careful to stop the car slowly as not to hurt you when he parked at the mansion. chan and hyunjin helped you out of the car just as they had helped you in a few minutes before and they walked slowly with you to the door and to your room where hyunjin softly layer you down on your bed.

chan left to inform the others that you were home and doing well, leaving you alone with hyunjin.

he pulled your desk chair next to your bed, taking your hand in his again.

it was hard to be upset that jisung wasn’t the one sitting there with you when hyunjin was such a sweet and loving caregiver.

“did we at least get the building good?”

hyunjin laughed, “we did. took out the whole foundation and police investigating found traces of drugs among the debris, so the corporation is being investigated.”

you nodded with a smile, “hell yeah.”

you weren’t left alone for the next few days. at least one person was always with you in case you needed something. more often than not, that person was hyunjin. chan tried to be with you as much as possible, but he had things to deal with as the leader.

jisung had yet to visit you by himself even once in the days you had been on bed rest.

you were absentmindedly playing a game on your phone and talking to hyunjin when jisung and minho softly knocked at your door before stepping in.

“hey there,” minho smiled, handing you a plate of food, “don’t tell chan but i snuck you an extra pudding.”

you thanked him and he and jisung turned to leave the room, but you stopped them.

“sung?”

he turned around, shocked that you’d called for him.

“yes?”

“can i talk to you?”

he nodded and hyunjin took that as his cue to follow minho out of the door, leaving you alone with jisung. he had been just as focused, if not more, on the fact that jisung had been avoiding you.

he sat down where hyunjin had previously been but made no move to reach for your hand comfortingly like your gotten accustomed to hyunjin doing.

“why haven’t you visited?”

“i have been.”

“no,” you tried to sit up a bit, wincing when pain shot through your body. jisung instinctively reached out to help you, but he pulled his hands away the second you were secure and leaning against your backboard. “you haven’t. everyone but you has spent time with me. you haven’t even said a word.”

when he didn’t speak, you continued, “what’s wrong?”

you reached out for his hand, shocked when he jerked it away. he stood up abruptly, “i’m not required to visit you, y/n, it’s not like i’m your boyfriend.”

you frowned, where was this coming from?

“yeah jisung, you kind of are.”

he shook his head and you were too clouded by confusion and frustration to notice the tears building up in his eyes, “we’re coworkers, y/n. nothing more.”

really? because the way he held you at night and kissed you and told you you were the most gorgeous person he’d ever seen said different.

he didn’t give you a chance to respond, immediately leaving your room. the second he was out the door, hyunjin was stepping back in. he rushed over to you and wiped a tear that you hadn’t even realized was there from your cheek.

“hey, what happened? jisung looked upset.”

you shrugged, “i think we just broke up.” you let out a dry laugh.

or not. he seemed sure that there wasn’t anything to break in the first place.

you missed the hint of happiness in hyunjins eyes hidden behind his sympathetic expression.

he sat on the edge of your bed, pulling you into a gentle hug, careful not to hurt you.

“i’m so sorry, y/n.”

he meant it. he felt for you, he understood how much it hurts. he understood how badly it hurts to have someone you care for blatantly ignore you like that.

still, though, jisung putting you through that pain might end the same hurt for hyunjin.

maybe now you would let yourself see him.

jisung didn’t come in your room for the remainder of your healing process, not even to drop of meals with minho. he didn’t try to see you while you tried desperately to shove down the want to see him.

it was your first day up and you were struggling to get down the steps and to the kitchen as you clung onto hyunjin, who was supporting you.

it wasn’t so much that the injuries were still that bad, it was just that your muscles weren’t used to being used. even with that, you probably didn’t need all of the help hyunjin was offering, but you didn’t want to decline it, either.

he helped you to your seat around the big dining table, pulling the chair out for you and gently helping you sit. you mentally thanked him as he slid into the seat beside you, the one jisung usually sat in.

it had been about a week since the whole thing, and today would be your first time seeing him since then. he couldn’t avoid you anymore, and you didn’t know if that was a good or bad thing.

jisung took a step into the kitchen and his eyes went right to you.

definitely bad.

hyunjin placed his hand over yours, redirecting your attention back to him. you smiled, he was good at keeping your mind off of jisung.

chan wanted to have a group breakfast all together to welcome you back from bed rest. you knew he meant well, but you would have preferred not to have to sit at the same table as jisung for an hour.

did the news get around? probably not. why would he have told people about the break up if he didn’t see it as the end of a relationship?

well, if the news hadn’t already been spread, everyone definitely knew something was going on by the end of the meal. jisung had spoke and engaged in conversation, but not a single word he spoke was directed at you.

you let felix take your plate when you finished and slowly moved to stand up from your seat. hyunjin widened his eyes in surprise and moved to help you, causing you to laugh.

“i got it, jinnie.”

you didn’t notice jisung cringe at the nickname. why would you? you had no reason to look in his direction if he wasn’t going to look in yours.

hyunjin let you stand by yourself, but he kept his hands out and ready to help you if you needed it. you stood and smiled at him. he smiled back, giving a few claps to congratulate your progress.

you were surprised how much easier it was to get around once you got past the initial shock of using your muscles again for the first time in a while. you were able to walk to the lounge and sit down on the couch without help.

hyunjin sat down right next to you and you chuckled.

“i’m okay, you don’t need to stay with me anymore.”

he frowned, “i’m not doing it because i feel bad.” he shrugged, “or only because i feel bad.”

he blamed himself for leaving you in the building, even though he did exactly what he was supposed to and you ended up fine.

“i’m doing it because i like spending time with you.”

if he had said the same words any time before your accident, before you and jisung ended whatever it was you had, you wouldn’t be blushing the way you were. but for some reason, you heard his words differently now.

it was his turn to choose a movie. the two of you had been watching a lot of movies since you’d been stuck in bed, and you always alternated who got to choose. not that it was a big deal, you had similar tastes.

the day wasn’t spent much differently than it would have been if you were still stuck in bed, other than you being able to actually eat meals with the others and sit in the living room instead of cuddled next to hyunjin in your small bed while watching movies.

the sun was set already and many of the boys had gone to sleep, but you and hyunjin wanted to finish the hundredth, (not really, but it felt like it), movie of the day.

throughout the day, some of the others had came and watched whatever was playing with you and hyunjin. felix complained about you two taking up the biggest television in the house, which he liked to use for gaming.

now, though, you two were alone.

the credits began to roll and you went to sit up, hyunjin immediately wrapping his arms around you to help.

you chuckled at him, “you don’t need to baby me so much.”

he pouted, his arms still around you, “but you’re my baby.”

his words were nothing out of the ordinary, all of the boys babied you and jeongin. still, his close proximity and the way his eyes locked with yours and the confusion and frustration inside of you caused you to process it differently.

apparently he did, too. before you knew it, he had his lips on yours as he snaked his hands across your body, careful not to hurt you.

you felt his hand run down your body and to your ass, giving it a small squeeze.

he maneuvered you into his lap, and for the first time since you’d woken up days before, he didn’t do it as if harsh movements would break you.

you liked it.

you straddled his waist, hands combing through his hair. he let out a whine as you took a fistful of his hair and tugged his head back, exposing his neck to you.

you trailed your tongue along the sensitive skin, the heat in you building with every soft sound he let out. you bit down on a specific spot and he let out a sound that made you think maybe you’d hurt him, but before you could ask, he was begging you to do it again.

so you did. you peppered kisses and bruises along his neck, unconsciously grinding your hips down against his.

he hissed, fingers digging into your waist has he stilled your movements.

“knock it off.”

a smirk played at your lips as you removed yourself from his neck and looked him straight in the eyes, going exactly against his words and rolling your core against his clothed crotch.

“or what, prince?”

with that, he had you off of his lap and your back pressed against the seat of the couch.

he kissed you roughly, and you let him. you moaned into his mouth as his tongue danced with yours. he tasted like lust and craving.

his hands crawled along your body, reaching under your shirt and trailing up your bare stomach.

“or i won’t be able to hold myself back from fucking you so hard you forget everything but my name.”

his words sent a rush through you, and at that moment, you couldn’t think of anything you wanted more than what he was offering.

you slipped a hand between your bodies and groped his clothed bulge, “then do it.”

practically growling, he slipped a hand to the small of your back and held you up to allow your shirt to slip over your shoulders. he brought a hand to your breast, cupping it and attaching his lips to the top of it, sucking a deep purple hickey onto the soft flesh.

you let him have his fun, let him admire your body and paint it full of his marks, before you decided it was your turn again.

you placed your palms flat against his chest and pushed him away from you. he looked confused at first, but you saw excitement flash in his eyes as you continued to push him back until it was his back to the cushions, him underneath you.

you rolled your hips against his as you leaned down and whispered in his ear, breath grazing the skin of his neck, causing his breath to catch.

you grabbed a hold of his hands, bringing them to cup your chest over your bra.

“tell me, baby,” another roll of your hips, another sweet sound from his lips, “have you ever thought of me before?”

his answer came almost before you finished speaking, “yes.”

you hummed, “when?”

he swallowed hard, “all the time. especially when...” he trailed off.

you hovered your lips above his, “especially when what, hyunjin?”

he let out a shaky breath before responding, and his voice sounded almost ashamed, “especially when i could hear you and jisung.”

you ignored the sting in your heart at the name and smirked against his lips, “did you listen a lot, hm?”

he nodded and you raised yourself so you were sitting up, guiding his hand behind you and to the strap of your bra. he got the hint, fumbling to undo the clasp.

he groaned as the garment fell, exposing your breasts.

“you like to listen?”

he nodded, eyes trained on your chest.

you paused your words for a moment to guide his hands once again to your boobs, whispering to him that he was allowed to touch you.

you continued, “what did you do when you listened, hyunjin?”

his breath caught in his throat as you trailed your hand down his chest, pushing up the shirt that he regretfully still had on and slipping your hand past the waste band of his sweatpants and under his boxers.

“did you touch yourself,” you squeezed his hard member, “here?”

he nodded, too far lost in his fantasy coming true to provide a verbal response.

he made a sound of protest as you removed your hand from his pants, depriving him of the touch he so desperately wanted.

you chuckled darkly at the whine, “what a little bitch.”

that seemed to snap him out of his daze as he flipped your positions so he was once again on top, hissing his words out.

“what did you call me?”

you ignored the growing pool of wetness between your thighs, “a little bitch.”

“yeah?” he attached his lips harshly back to yours, speaking between rough kisses, “i’ll show you who here is a little bitch, y/n.” he broke the kiss to lock his eyes with yours, “and it’s not me.”

he disconnected from you for a moment to slip his shirt over his shoulders, and you couldn’t even be upset with him for stealing back control. not when he gave you such a good view from beneath him.

he stepped back, gripping your thighs and pulling you to the edge of the couch as he kneeled in front of it. he tugged your own sweats and underwear down your legs, allowing you to kick them off before he took his spot between your thighs.

he placed wet, open mouth kisses to your thighs, drawing nearer to your aching core with each one.

“god, having to hear you with jisung all the time really got to me.” he practically moaned out the words, “you sound so hot moaning for him. but i think it’ll be even better when it’s my name.”

with that, he attached his lips finally to where you’d been waiting for him.

you couldn’t hold back a moan from ripping through your throat as he sucked harshly at your clit.

not only had it been a while since you’d done anything because of your injuries, so you were sensitive, plus hyunjin was insanely good at what he was doing.

he pulled away for a moment, a string of saliva and your arousal connecting from his chin to your core, “you taste so good, baby.”

he went back in, this time slipping two fingers into you easily with how wet you were.

a hand flew to your mouth to cover the obscenely loud moan that fell past your lips, but you let it fall. the mansion was big and no ones room was that close to the lounge, it should be fine. you could be as loud as you wanted.

and with the way hyunjin curled his fingers perfectly inside of you, god, were you going to be loud.

with his skills, it wasn’t long before you had your thighs tightening around his head and body shaking as the knot inside your stomach came undone.

he worked you hard through your orgasm before standing up and slipping his pants down his legs in one swift potion. your eyes fell to his angry red member and you couldn’t have stopped yourself from staring if you wanted to.

you let him position you however he wanted, which happened to be with your back down to the cushions again, as a thought crossed your mind.

were these feelings real? or were you just grateful for him caring for you while you healed? for taking your mind off of jisung?

it didn’t matter. he obviously wanted to help keep your thoughts off of jisung, and this was definitely doing a great job of that.

you brought your hands to the back of his neck and pulled him into a kiss as he began to slowly sink into you.

the stretch was painful, but you liked it. he was much larger than jisung, and he seemed to be better at using what he had.

maybe that last thought was just the anger and frustration speaking, or maybe it was because of the way hyunjin began to fluidly pound into you at the perfect pace, sliding himself against your walls in such a way that you couldn’t have stopped yourself from letting out the sinful sounds from your mouth.

“say my name.”

you didn’t hesitate to comply, “fuck, hyunjin, you feel so good. so, so good.”

he groaned at the sound of his name leaving your mouth as a moan. he pulled out of you for a moment, but you weren’t given time to complain before he had you turned around with your back pressed firmly against his chest and his cock buried deep inside of you once again.

the new angle let him hit places that made your mind spin even faster than it had been before, which you didn’t even know was possible.

his breath grazed your neck and he bit down right on top of one of the marks he’d left earlier.

holding you secure with one hand across yours chest, he snaked the other down your stomach and attached his fingers to your clit.

if it were possible for you to moan any louder, you would have.

with a couple more firm and direct thrusts to your g-spot and one hand working expertly on your clit while the other squeezed your boob harshly, you were coming for the second time that night as his name fell off of your lips.

“oh my god, hyunjin, fuck, you’re so big, so good.”

praises fell freely from your mouth as he carried you through your high. those, mixed with the way his name sounded coming from your mouth and the way you were clenching around him threw him over the edge too.

you whimpered as he fucked you into overstimulation, but praises and a chorus of his name kept falling from your mouth.

you couldn’t stop telling him how good he was, how good he felt. he deserved to know.

you swore you could have came again just from the feeling of him filling you up with his cum, fucking it deep inside of you.

he pulled out, a mix of your and his cum slipping out of your hole along with his cock,

he groaned at the sight, and if you hadn’t looked so worn out from your aching body and the ride he’d just given you, he would have fucked it back into you and made sure it stayed.

instead, he stood and shoved his cock, which was already growing hard again thanks to the sight in front of him, into his underwear.

you barely even registered that he had left the room before he was back and maneuvering you so he could clean you up.

you whined at the warm cloth against your core.

“please, hyunjin...”

he chuckled, “we’re done for tonight angel, i’m just cleaning you up.”

you whined again in response, and you didn’t really know if it was because of the feeling of the cloth against your core or as a protest to hyunjins statement that it was over.

“baby,” he spoke softly, “you gotta use the bathroom.”

you groaned, this time from annoyance and not pleasure.

he laughed, “i know, but i don’t want you to get sick.”

you reached your arms out to him, “then carry me.”

he chuckled again, but he did as you requested. he picked you up bridal style, careful as always not to hurt you, and carried you to the bathroom.

he let you do your business as he went back to pick up the clothes you two had left scattered on the lounge floor, you wouldn’t want anyone stepping in there in the morning to find that surprise.

he returned, and after you arguing that you didn’t want to shower or bath, you just wanted to go to bed, he carried you to his room and crawled in next to you.

you buried your head in his chest, and in that split second before you fell asleep, you felt safe and in jisungs arms.

you sat at breakfast the next morning in a comfy pair of sweats and a tank top that hyunjin had gotten for you from your room. part of you wished he had gotten you a sweatshirt, or at least something at covered all of the marks he’d left along your neck and collar bones, but the other part, whether you were conscious of it or not, wanted jisung to see them.

breakfast was going find until chan asked how you were feeling.

you pouted, “sore.”

jisung scoffed from the other side of the table. you wanted to ignore it, but something in you wouldn’t.

“what?”

he looked up from his food, surprised that you had called him out. he just stared at you, waiting for you to elaborate further.

when you didn’t, he set his fork down, eyes avoiding yours.

“come on,” he shrugged, “you can’t be that sore.”

you frowned, “what do you mean?”

his eyes flashed to hyunjins, who held his gaze.

“you can’t be in that much pain if you let him fuck you like that.”

you nearly choked on your food at the bold statement.

it wasn’t like the boys, even chan, didn’t know you were sexually active, but bringing it up at the dinner table?

some of the other boys stuttered to, apparently the lounge had been far enough from some rooms, and not others. or maybe he just got the point from the hickeys littered across both your and hyunjins bodies.

you quickly regained composure, staring at him as if you were challenging him. before you could speak, hyunjin cut in.

“maybe that’s why she’s sore.”

jisung let out an unamused laugh, “don’t act like that.”

“like what?” you questioned, eyes still locked on him.

“like he owns you. like you’re his whore. like-“

chan stood up, hands coming down harshly on the table.

“okay,” he drew the word out, “let’s all finish breakfast on our own, yeah?”

everyone around the table nodded and hurried off, eager to get away from the awkward atmosphere, but hyunjin and jisung stuck around with you.

hyunjin spoke, “i’ve been around a lot fucking longer than you, han. you have no clue what happened before your sorry ass was accepted into this house.”

it was bullshit, hyunjin knew that the previous night was the first of anything to happen between the two of you, and jisung probably knew that too, but he was just speaking from anger and jealousy.

“so, what?” jisung laughed, “she was with you, i came along and she ditched you, and the second i walk away she goes crawling back to you?”

you expected hyunjin to blow. you forgot he was a skilled liar.

he smirked at jisung, “who says she ever left me? i’ve got plenty of ways to make her mine without putting my marks on her, han.” he reached over, fingers brushing over the marks he’d left the night before, “even when she was wearing your paintings, she wasn’t yours.”

hyunjin grabbed your hand to pull you away and you stole one last glance at jisung. you could have sworn you saw something, guilt or sadness, flash across his features.

chan decided to keep the rest of the meals for the day independent, too. he would rather arguments be settled alone instead of at the dinner table, especially arguments revolving around his little sister and who was fucking her.

the next morning, breakfast was held as normal, but jisung didn’t show up. you assumed by the way no one mentioned it that chan had given him permission to eat his meals alone until things calmed down.

along with no one mentioning jisungs absence, no one mentioned the fight from the previous day or the apparent relationship between you and hyunjin.

it was like that for the next few days. meals were normal, minus jisung not being there, and days were filled with hanging out with hyunjin, whatever that may include.

you felt bad in some ways, he had been missing out on missions, which meant missing out on pay, in order to stay with you. he insisted he didn’t mind, and you knew he meant it.

plus, it’s not like he wasn’t getting any payment. chan still gave you and him your weekly allowances. it came with being part of the family.

things seemed to be calming down and you were getting used to hyunjin being the one who held your hand and kissed you goodnight. you still thought of jisung often, obviously, feelings don’t go away that quickly. but it was getting easier and every time you kissed hyunjin, it felt a little bit more genuine. you’d even continued sleeping in his bed with him, even now that you could get around fine by yourself.

you slowly lifted yourself off of his bed, careful not to wake him, and made your way to the kitchen for a glass of water.

you frowned as you noticed the light already on and voices coming from the kitchen.

you paused in the hallway to listen. it wasn’t that you wanted to eavesdrop, it’s just that if it had sounded important you would have went back to hyunjins room instead of interrupting.

“everyone gets weekly pay no matter what, jisung.”

it was chans voice.

“yeah, i know.” you recognized jisungs voice as he replied, “i just think it’s funny that you’re paying him to stay home and fuck your little sister.”

you heard chan sigh, “everyone is allowed breaks from missions, regardless of the reason.”

jisung started to argue again but your brother cut him off, “this isn’t a work issue, jisung. this is a personal issue between you, y/n, and hyunjin. hyunjin, who, by the way, you’re losing her more and more to every single day you sit here bitching to me about being in love with her instead of doing something about it.”

there was a pause before jisungs voice broke it, “i never said i was in love with her.”

“you didn’t have to.”

you decided that the conversation was important enough for you to ditch the idea of getting a glass of water and hurry back up to hyunjins room.

he groaned and shifted as your weight was added to the bed. he reached out towards you, pulling you close.

he mumbled through his sleepy state, “where’d you go?”

“i was thirsty.”

he hummed, falling back asleep almost right away.

you, however, didn’t shut your eyes for the rest of the night. you sat there in hyunjins arms thinking about jisung.

if he still liked you why did he end it? it didn’t make sense. who was he to break up with you and then get mad at you for moving on?

so there, secure in hyunjins arms, you spent the night staring at the sealing and trying to block out the thoughts that kept wishing they were jisungs.

you pouted as hyunjin packed a bag to go on an overnight trip. he was finally back to going on missions, but chan still wouldn’t clear you yet.

even if hyunjin had wanted to stay home from this mission, he was needed. it required skill and spy work that none of the other boys had, and it wasn’t something they could just choose not to do.

you followed hyunjin to the front of the house. you met only chan standing there, waiting for hyunjin.

“where are the others?”

chan gestured outside, “in the car already.”

you nodded, turning to hyunjin and giving him a kiss before he and chan walked out the door, pulling it shut behind them.

you sighed as you made your way to the lounge. watching movies wasn’t the same when you didn’t have a cuddle buddy.

you weren’t allowed to go on missions and hyunjin had to go on this one, meaning you were left alone.

or so you thought.

about half way through the movie, it started to sink in that you were alone. pouting, you paused the movie and made your way through the house and towards hyunjins room. surely he wouldn’t mind if you stole a hoodie or two while he was gone.

you had a specific hoodie in mind, a black one with some logo on the front. you didn’t really know the brand, you just knew that it was the softest sweatshirt he had.

what you didn’t have in mind was to see jisung leaving his room just as you were about to step into hyunjins.

you turned towards the noise of a door opening, surprised when you were met with jisung. wasn’t he supposed to be on the mission? chan had failed to mention that just because hyunjin was required on this mission, that didn’t mean it was an all hands on deck type of thing. who else was still home?

he scanned you and looked at where you were headed before scoffing.

“you don’t have to keep pretending. he’s not here.”

you frowned, “i’m not pretending anything, jisung.”

you took a step into hyunjins room, not expecting jisung to follow. he watched as you dug through the closet for that one specific hoodie.

“right.”

you couldn’t find it anywhere.

“you’re suddenly in love with him when i break things off.”

maybe he’d taken it with him on the mission?

you glanced back at jisung, playing into the lie hyunjin had started days prior, “suddenly? nothing was sudden.”

he must have brought it with him. or maybe it was in the laundry? you wouldn’t mind that, it would only smell more like him. you moved across the room to his laundry basket.

ignoring your comment, jisung replied, “what are you looking for?”

offhandedly as you searched through hyunjins basket you responded, “a certain sweatshirt.”

he took a step closer to you, “want one of mine?” the question sounded more like a plea.

your eyes snapped up to his, what game was he playing?

you hated how badly you wanted to say yes.

your eyes narrowed in a glare, “i don’t want anything of yours anymore.”

lie.

“i’m over you, jisung.”

lie.

“i wish you’d just leave me alone.”

lie

“i’m happy with hyunjin.”

as much as you wanted it to be the truth, it was a lie.

and he knew it.

“y/n,” you took a step away from him when he took one closer to you, “please.”

his tone went from jealous and spiteful to begging, almost pitiful.

“can we just talk?”

you scoffed, remembering the words he’d said to you when you made the same request weeks earlier.

“there isn’t anything to talk about, jisung. we’re just coworkers.”

you snatched a random sweatshirt from the laundry and made a move to pass him, but he stepped in front of you, effectively blocking your way. he reached out and took the sweatshirt from your hands, tossing it right back into the laundry.

“y/n, just listen to me.”

you tried to move past him again, but this time he reached out and grabbed your arm to stop you.

you hated how good it felt to be touched by him again.

“when you got caught in the explosion, i was afraid, okay?”

you let your eyes meet his, “of what, jisung?” you pulled your arm from his grip, “i was the one who got fucking blown up!”

instead of raising his voice back, he kept it soft and calm.

“i was so worried that i was going to lose you. i didn’t want to get attached further and then babe you taken from me.” he let out a dry laugh, “and then, seeing you with hyunjin, i realized i’d just given you up.”

he was right. you felt your blood boil, he didn’t even try to fight for you. he ran away like a coward.

“and i’m glad you did.”

his face fell, “you don’t mean that.”

you blinked away the tears building up in your eyes, “yes i do. i’m so happy you ended whatever pathetic excuse for love we had.”

you could practically see his heart shatter.

“y/n, you’re angry, i get that, but-“

you reached out suddenly, pounding your fists against his chest.

“yes, i’m angry! i’m so angry at you, jisung.” you allowed him to grab your wrists and pull you against him into a hug, “i’m so angry. i’m angry at you for breaking my heart. i’m angry at you for keeping me from being happy with hyunjin, and i’m angry with you because no matter how bad i wanna hate you, i can’t.”

he held you close to him, violently aware of the wet spot your tears were leaving on his shirt. the tears that you had because of him.

“i know baby, i know.” he held the back of your head to his chest as you cried into it, “i’m such an idiot. i never should have let you go.”

then he said something you never would have expected, no matter how many times you felt like saying the words to him yourself.

“i love you.”

to say he was relieved when you wrapped your arms around him would be a huge understatement.

you raised your head and looked him in the eyes only to see that he had tears in them as well.

“i love you too.”

he pushed your hair from your face and spoke softly, almost as if he was afraid he would ruin the moment if he made too much noise, “can we try again?”

you smiled up at him and he didn’t miss the sadness laced in it, “if you promise not to break my heart again.”

of course, hyunjin wasn’t happy about the news, but he understood. deep down, he knew you would never feel the same for him as you did jisung. but he didn’t regret the time he spent with you or the words he’d shared.

you didn’t regret it either. although it could be argued that he was just a rebound, he was much more than that to you. he held you and made you feel safe when you needed it most, and although you didn’t love him in the same way you loved jisung, you did love him.

months had passed since you and jisung had reunited, and this time it was official. he showed you off everywhere the two of you went and he used the words girlfriend and boyfriend like they were his favorite things to say. he knew what it felt like to lose you, and he never wanted to feel that way again.

he treated you how he should have from the start, how hyunjin had, and he kept his promise.

he didn’t break your heart ever again.

405 notes · View notes

goldlightsaber · 3 years

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No Country for Old Men

No Country for Old Men doesn't really need my praise, given that it won the Academy Award for Best Picture and Best Supporting Actor and several other awards. But I'm here to give it anyway! It is truly a work of art. Over a decade old and it has stood the test of time as a gripping thriller. Warning: this review is a bit all over the place, but I covered the bits I liked best!

The Big Bad

Javier Bardem. Where do I begin with him? I could watch this man clean up gunshot wounds in a cheap motel room for hours. It was so fascinating to see him work -- even if a lot of that work was brutal, cold-blooded, psychopathic murder. Watching him was like watching a true crime documentary. He felt real and chilled me to the core.

I commend the script for all its cleverness, but especially the intentionality behind Anton Chigurh's dialogue. I have never seen more unusual, rhythmic dialogue. What stuck in my head was his relentless way of asking questions. "Where does he work?" he asks the trailer park management lady. She tells him she can't tell him. Again, he asks, "Where does he work?" She tells him again, more firmly, that she can't reveal the information. In the same monotone, he asks for a third time, "Where does he work?" He puts on no charm. He does not bribe or threaten. He asks questions straight. He disguises himself as --but does not claim to be-- something he's not. He pretends to be a cop; a man stranded on the road; a hotel guess. People believe what he only appears to be. They make something of him, something recognizable, so that they know how to interact with him. Except slowly, through dialogue, he reveals to them his true, sadistic nature. And no one wants to believe it. Often the people he speaks with are dumbfounded, stammering out "Sir?" and "I don't understand." It doesn't dawn on them until its too late that he is someone they should run from. It's ironic, really. The goodwill and trust of other people is his bread and butter -- it's what allows him to extract information without force (at least at first) and to obtain all the resources he needs. There's a Southern hospitality theme that runs throughout. Many of the Texans he runs into offer him help -- little do they know that, with Anton Chigurh, it will likely cost them their lives. Everyone is a means to an end unless they are the end -- the person he means to kill.

Don't even get me started on his weapon of choice. It looks like he's carrying around an oxygen tank. It even gives him a misleading look of frailty -- like he might be using it to survive despite it not being attached to his person. If he was carrying around a gun, people might run in the other direction. But, seeing a captive bolt stunner, people are often just confused (I had to look up what it was called) -- and that's part of his genius too.

Yet he's tone deaf. He is easily irritated by small talk, seeming not to understand its point (award for most extreme introvert like, ever?). He nearly killed a gas station worker seemingly because of the small talk. A hint at his disturbed, unusual mind. As I mentioned earlier, he always cuts to the chase -- no fluff. He will get what he needs now, or else. Unless you're lucky and the coin toss flips in your favor. Or there are too many witnesses nearby. But rest assured -- there is no escaping this man. As Woody Harrelson's character, Wills, asks Llewelyn: "You've seen him, and you're not dead?"

Subverting Expectations

With a crime movie, you hope the good guy lives and the cops catch the killers, or that at least one of the two things happen. Nope! Not that simple with a Coen brothers film. Llewelyn is a law-breaking and a "street smart" guy but has a golden heart. He's empathetic (like when the "agua" man hung over his conscience) and only shoots people when he needs to -- Anton Chigurh is his foil, in that sense. Even though his resourcefulness and quick thinking gets him out of trouble for the majority of the film, he is suddenly killed by the Mexican cartel. We don't see it happen, we only see the drug dealers fleeing the scene and the aftermath. It comes minutes after a flirty motel patron tells Llewelyn that, whatever is coming, Llewelyn will never see it coming. And he doesn't. And neither does the audience, for that matter. With Llewelyn seemingly gearing up to fight Chigurh, I expected the two of them to have a showdown over the money. Llewelyn's death was sudden and abrupt. He didn't go out with guns blazing. He didn't get to showcase his strength. For all the times he has healed from injuries, Llewelyn--likable, honorable--still dies.

The sheriff retires -- he doesn't manage to track down Chigurh or anyone else for that matter. To him, Chigurh is a "ghost." The sheriff, at the end of the movie, describes himself as "ummatched," and that is underwhelming too. You fully expect -- or I did, based on previous crime thriller movies-- for some sort of justice to be served, for someone to be caught and locked away, but Chigurh is alive and free at the end of the movie and so are all the anonymous players of the drug cartels working these deals. There was no justice. Not for Llewelyn, not for his wife, not for all the collateral damage.

A Brilliant Script

Speaking of Llewelyn's wife! I loved her last show of defiance in the face of Chigurh. She was shocked but not surprised. Surely, his appearance scared her, but she knew death was coming for her -- and she didn't give Chigurh the liberty of making her death her responsibility. He was fully accountable -- and she made that clear. Was it a foolish choice? I don't know. It did leave me thinking for a while -- what would I do in the situation? The coin toss is the greatest mercy Chigurh is capable of bestowing on anyone. He is a Harvey Dent without a grudge. She chooses not to participate in the game and he kills her. I asked myself: were I in that situation, would I have chosen not to play? There were two options: she plays and has a 50% chance of living. She doesn't play, and she will, for certain, die. She chooses the latter. Is that bravery? I think so. It's certainly strength of character. She is principled in a wholly other way than Chigurh. I feel that I would have wanted to "call it" -- give myself a chance at living. But even that phrasing is misleading. No matter the "choice," Chigurh is the real judge, jury and executioner. And he chooses to kill. Always.

When he exits Carla Jean's house, I found myself wondering what had happened. In the first few seconds of the scene, it isn't yet clear whether he killed her. What follows is one of the more brilliant, subtle moments of the film: Chigurh checks the bottoms of his shoes. We know from an earlier scene that he takes care to keep them clean from the carnage of his crimes, and so, we also know he was checking to see if Carla Jean's blood had spilt on them. He murdered her.

The Ending

I have not yet uncovered the symbolic significance of the car crash, but I can try to take a guess. The car crash brutally injures Chigurh, breaking his arm and God knows what else. It is a random accident, not someone intentionally trying to kill him. Two boys who were riding their bikes behind him approaching Chigurh, who is sitting on the sidewalk, seriously injured. The boys offer him help only out of goodwill. But then he offers them money for one of their shirts, which they initially reject until he insists they take it. Is the symbolism in that? Of yet-uncorrupted youth starkly contrasted with his total evil? In offering them a large sum of money, is he corrupting them to think of life transactionally? As he walks away, the boys argue about splitting the money and he is no longer their concern -- greed is on their mind but only because he brought up money in the first place. (I feel like I cheated on this one because I read somewhere how the movie is about the rising forces of evil in the world that are hard to defeat -- hence the sheriff is unable to defeat them). Will this start them down the path of chasing money and power? Who knows. Maybe.

Overall: a movie I couldn't look away from except to run to the bathroom. I could watch hours of Javier Bardem in this role just sitting. Or eating. But preferably treating his own wounds.

Watch if: you're a fan of Ozark (TV show); or Fargo (movie or TV show).

#no country for old men #the coen brothers #javier bardem #my love <3 #josh brolin #tommy lee jones #kelly macdonald #film #text #i decided to cheer myself up by writing a movie review so HERE #i guess i only do these for movies i like lol #need to watch some shitty films #I ALMOST FORGOT THE PICTURES

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star-anise · 4 years

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An ask I got recently:

hi so i’m a transmed and i’m not sure if you’ll answer this because of that but i saw your post about transmedicalism and was wondering if you could expand on that? you seem like a genuinely kind and judgement-free person, thank you darling x

My response:

Heh, you call me “judgement-free” and ask for my opinion on a topic I’ve formed a lot of judgments about… I get it though, I’m not into attacking people for what they believe so much as providing FACTS. As a cis queer, my insight into transmedicalism isn’t really about the innate experience of trans-ness so much as using my education and professional experience to talk about social science research, diagnostic systems, and public health policy.

This ended up really long, so the tl;dr is, I think transmedicalism as I understand it:

Misunderstands why and how the DSM’s Gender Dysphoria diagnosis was written,

Treats the medical establishment with a level of trust and credibility it doesn’t deserve, at a time when LGBT+ people, especially trans people, need to be informed and vigilant critics of it, and

Approaches the problem of limited resources in an ass-backwards way that I think will end up hurting the trans community in the long run.

TW: Transphobia; homophobia; suicide; institutionalization; torture; electroshock therapy; child abuse; incidental mentions of pedophilia.

So first off I’m guessing you mean this post, about not trusting the medical establishment to tell you who you are? That’s what I’m trying to elaborate on here.

I have to admit, when you say “I’m a transmedicalist” that tells me very little about you, because on Tumblr the term seems to encompass a dizzying array of perspectives. Some transmedicalists believe in what seems to me the oldschool version of “The only TRUE trans people suffer agonizing dysphoria that can only be fixed with surgery and hormones, everyone else is an evil pretender stealing resources and can FUCK RIGHT OFF” and others are like, um… “I have total love and respect for nonbinary and nondysphoric trans people! I qualify for a DSM diagnosis of dysphoria but that doesn’t make me inherently better or more trans than anyone else.”

Which is very confusing to me because according to everything I’ve learned, the latter opinion is not transmedicalism. It’s just… a view of transness that acknowledges current diagnostic labels and scientific research. It’s what most people who support trans rights and do not identify as transmedicalists believe. But I kind of get the impression that Tumblr transmedicalism has expanded well past its original mandate, to the point that if a lot of “transmedicalists” saw the movement’s original positions they’d go “Whoa that’s way too strict and doesn’t help our community, I want nothing to do with it.”.

Okay so. Elaborating on the stuff I can comment on.

1. DSM what?

The American Psychiatric Association publishes a big thick book called The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, called the DSM for short. This is the “Bible of psychiatry”, North America’s definitive listing of mental disorders and conditions. It receives significant revision and updates roughly every 10-15 years; it was last updated in 2013, meaning it will likely get updated sometime between 2023 and 2028.

The DSM lists hundreds of “codes”, each of which indicates a specific kind of mental disorder. For example, 296.23 is “Major depressive disorder, Single episode, Severe,” and 300.02 is “Generalized anxiety disorder.” These codes have information on how common the condition is, how it’s diagnosed, and what kind of treatment is appropriate for it.

Diagnostic codes are the key to health professionals getting paid. If there isn’t a code for it, we can’t get paid for it, and therefore we have very few resources to treat it with. The people who actually pay for healthcare–usually insurance companies or government agencies–decide how much they will pay for each code item to be treated. They’ll pay for, say, three sessions of group therapy for mild depression (296.21), or they’ll pay for more expensive private therapy if it’s moderate (296.22); they’ll pay for the cheap kind of drug if you have severe depression (296.23), but to get the more expensive drug, you need to have depression with psychotic features (296.24).

Healthcare companies, especially in the USA where the system is very very broken and the DSM is written, are cheap bastards. If they can find an excuse not to fund some treatment, they’ll use it. “We think this person who lost their job and can’t get off the couch should pay this $1000 bill for therapy,” they’ll say. “After all, they were diagnosed as code 296.21, and then saw a private therapist for five sessions, when we only allow three sessions of group therapy, and you’re saying they haven’t had enough treatment yet?”

A lot of the advocacy work mental health professionals do is trying to get the big funding bodies to pay us adequately for the work we do. (This is a much easier process in countries with single-payer healthcare, where this negotiation only needs to be done with a single entity. In the USA, it needs to be done with every single health insurance company in existence, as well as the government, sometimes differently in every single state, and then again on a case-by-case basis as well.) Healthcare providers have to argue that three sessions of group therapy isn’t enough, that Medicaid needs to pay therapists more per hour than it costs those therapists to rent a room to practice in, or else therapists would lose money by seeing Medicaid clients. DSM codes exist a tiny bit to let us communicate with each other about the people we treat, and a huge amount to let us get paid. The fact that their existence lets people make sense of their own experiences and find a community with people who share common experiences and interests with them is a very minor side benefit the DSM’s authors really don’t keep in mind when they update and revise different diagnoses.

So when it comes to convincing insurance companies to pay for treatment, humanitarian reasons like “they’ll be very unhappy without it” tend not to work. The best argument we have for them paying for psychological treatment is that it’s economical: that if they don’t pay for it now, they’ll have to pay even more later. If they refuse to pay, let’s say, $2000 to treat mild depression when someone loses their job, and either refuse treatment or stick the person with the bill, then that person’s life might spiral out of control–they might, let’s say, run low on money, get evicted from their apartment, develop severe depression, attempt suicide, and end up in hospital needing to be medically resuscitated and then put in an inpatient psych ward for a month. The insurance company then faces the prospect of having to pay, let’s say, $100,000 for all that treatment. At which point somebody clever goes, “Huh, so it would have been cheaper to just… pay the original $2000 instead so they could bounce back, get a new job, and not need any of this treatment later.”

Trans healthcare can be kind of expensive, since it often involves counselling, years of hormone therapy, medical garments, and multiple surgeries. Health insurance companies hate paying for anything, and have traditionally wanted not to cover any of this. “This is ridiculous!” they said. “These are elective cosmetic treatments, it’s not like they’re dying of cancer, these people can pay the same rate for breast enhancements or testosterone injections as anyone else.”

So when the APA Task Force on Gender Identity Disorder (a task force comprised, as far as I can tell, entirely of cis people) sat down to plan for the 2013 update of the DSM, one of their biggest goals was: Treatment recommendations. Create a diagnosis which they could effectively use to advocate that insurance companies fund gender transition. Like when you go back and read the documents from their meetings in 2008 and 2011, their big thing is “create a diagnosis that can be used to form treatment recommendations.” So that’s what they did; in 2013 they made the GD diagnosis, and in 2014 the Affordable Care Act required insurers to provide treatment for it.

A lot of trans people weren’t happy with the DSM task force’s decisions, such as the choice to keep “Transvestic Fetishism,” which is basically the autogynephilia theory, and just rename it “Transvestic Disorder”. The creation of the Gender Dysphoria diagnosis, basically, was designed to force the preventive care argument. They didn’t think they could win on trans healthcare being a necessity because healthcare is a human right, so they went with: Trans people have a very high suicide rate, and one way to bring it down is to help them transition. One of the major predictors of suicidality is dysphoria. The more dysphoric someone is, the more likely they are to attempt suicide (source). Therefore, health insurers should fund treatment for gender dysphoria because it was cheaper than paying for emergency room admissions and inpatient psychiatric hospitalizations.

I have spoken to trans scientists about what research exists, and my understanding is: The dysphoria/no dysphoria split is not actually validated in the science. That is, when you research trans people, there is not some huge gaping difference between the experiences, or brains, of people With Dysphoria, and people Without Dysphoria. Mostly, scientists haven’t even thought it was an important distinction to study. The diagnosis wasn’t reflecting a strong theme in the research about trans experiences; that research showed that trans people with all levels of dysphoria were helped with medical transition. The biggest difference is just that dysphoria is a stronger risk factor for suicide. Experiencing transphobia is another strong risk factor, but that’s harder to measure in a doctor’s office, so dysphoria it was.

(I’ve seen some transmedicalists claim that dysphoria’s major feature is incongruence, not distress. And I’ll just say, uh… in psychology, “dysphoria” is the opposite of of “euphoria”, literally means “excessive pain”, and is used in many disorders to describe a deep-seated sense of distress and wrongness. As a mental health professional, I just can’t imagine most of my colleagues agreeing that something can be called “dysphoria” if the person doesn’t feel real distress about it. If you want a diagnosis that doesn’t demand dysphoria, you’d need Gender Incongruence in the upcoming version of the ICD-11, which is the primary diagnostic system used in Europe, published by the World Health Organization.)

2. Doctors are not magic

Medicine is a science, and science is a system of knowledge based on having an idea, testing it against reality, and revising that knowledge in light of what you learned. We’re learning and growing all the time.

I don’t know if this sounds painfully obvious or totally groundbreaking, but: Basically all medical research is done by people who don’t have the condition they’re writing about. Psychology has a strong historical bias against believing the personal testimonies of people with conditions that have been deemed mental disorders, so researchers who have experienced the disorder they’re writing about have often had to hide that fact, like Kay Redfield Jamison hiding that she had bipolar disorder until she became a world-renowned expert on it, or Marsha Linehan hiding that she had borderline personality disorder until she pioneered the treatment that could effectively cure it. Often, having a condition was seen as proof you couldn’t actually have a truthful and objective experience of it.

So what I’m trying to say is: The “gender dysphoria” diagnosis was written and debated, so far as I can tell, by entirely cis committee members. The vast majority of psychological and psychiatric research about LGBT+ people is written by cisgender heterosexual scientists. Most clinical and scientific writing has been outsider scientists looking at people they have enormous power over and making decisions about their basic existence with very little accountability.

And to show you how far we’ve come, I want to show you part of the DSM as it was from 1952 to 1973. It shows you just why so many older LGBT+ people find it deeply ironic that now the DSM is being held up as definitive of trans experience:

302 Sexual Deviation This category is for individuals whose sexual interests are directed primarily toward objects other than people of the opposite sex, toward sexual acts not usually associated with coitus, or towards coitus performed under bizarre circumstances as in necrophilia, pedophilia, sexual sadism, and fetishism. Even though many find their practices distasteful, they remain unable to substitute normal sexual behavior for them. This diagnosis is not appropriate for individuals who perform deviant sexual acts because normal sexual objects are not available to them.

302.0 Homosexuality 302.1 Fetishism 302.2 Pedophilia 302.2 Transvestitism […]

Yes, really. That is how psychiatry viewed us. At a time when research from other fields, like psychology and sociology, were showing that this view was completely unsupported by evidence, psychiatry thought LGBT+ people were fundamentally disordered, criminal, and incapable of prosocial behaviour.

My favourite retelling of the decades of activism it took LGBT+ people and allies to get the DSM to change is from a friend who did her master’s thesis on the topic, because she leaves in the clown suits and gay bars, which really shows how scientific and dignified the process was. The long story short is: It took over 20 years of lobbying by LGBT+ people who were sick and tired of being locked up in mental institutions and subjected to treatments like electroshock training, as well as by LGBT+ social scientists, clinicians, and psychiatrists, to get homosexuality declassified as a mental illness. And that was homosexuality; the push to change how trans people were listed in the DSM is very recent, as seen in the latest version listing “Transvestic Disorder”, a description very few trans people ever use for themselves.

Here are a few more examples of how people with a condition have had to take an active part in the science about them:

When HIV/AIDS appeared in the USA, the government didn’t care why drug addicts and gay people were dying mysteriously. Hospitals refused to treat people with this mysterious new disease. AIDS patients had to fight to get any funding put into what AIDS is, how it spreads, or how it could be treated; they also had to campaign to change the massive public prejudice against them, so they could be treated, housed, and allowed to live. Here’s an article on the activist tactics they used. If you want an intro to the fight (or at least, white peoples’ experience of it), you could look into the movies How to Survive a Plague, And the Band Played On, and The Normal Heart.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) is a little-understood disease that causes debilitating exhaustion. It’s found twice as often in women as men. Doctors understand very little about what it is or why it happens, and patients with CFS are often written off a lazy hypochondriacs who just don’t want to try hard. There are basically no known treatments. In 2011, a British study said that an effective treatment for CFS was “graded exercise”, a program where people did slowly increasing levels of physical activity. This flew in the face of what people with CFS knew to be true: That their disease caused them to get much worse after they exercised. That for them, being forced to do ever-increasing exercise was basically tantamount to torture, so it was very concerning that health authorities and insurance companies began requiring that they undergo graded exercise treatment (and parents with children with CFS had to put their children through this treatment, or lose custody for “medical neglect”). So they investigated the study, found that it was seriously flawed, got many health authorities to reverse their position on graded exercise, and have made strides into pointing researchers to looking into biological causes of their illness.

Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) is a rare but debilitating disease that isn’t researched much, because it affects such a small portion of the population. The ALS community realized that if they wanted better treatment, they would need to raise the money for research themselves. In 2014 they organized a viral “ice bucket challenge” to get people to donate to their cause, and raised $115 million, enough to make significant advances in understanding ALS and getting closer to a cure.

A common treatment for Autism is Applied Behaviour Analysis (ABA), which is designed to encourage “desired” behaviours and discourage “undesired” ones. The problem is, the treatment targets behaviour an Autistic person’s parents and teachers consider desirable or undesirable, without consideration that some “undesired” behaviours (like stimming) are fundamental and necessary to the wellbeing of Autistic people. Furthermore, the treatment involves punishing Autistic children for failure to behave as expected–in traditional ABA, by witholding rewards or praise until they stop, or in more extreme cases, by subjecting them to literal electric shocks to punish them. (In that last case, they’ve been ordered to stop using the shock devices by August 31, 2020. That only took YEARS.) Autistic people have had to campaign loud and long to say that different treatment strategies should be researched and used, especially on Autistic children.

So I mean… I get that the medical model can provide an element of validation and social acceptance. It can feel really good to have people in white coats back you up and say you’re the real deal. But if you get in touch with most LGBT+ and transgender groups, they’d say that there’s still a lot of work to be done when it comes to researching trans issues and getting scientific and governmental authorities to recognize your rights to social acceptance and medical treatment.

Within a few years, the definition you’re resting on will turn to sand beneath your feet. The Great DSM Machine will begin whirring into life pretty soon and considering what revisions it has to make. You’ll have an opportunity to make your voice heard and to push for real change. So… do you want to be part of that process of pushing trans rights forward, or do you just want to feel loss because they’re changing your strict definition of who’s valid and who’s not?

3. Scarcity is not a law of physics

One of the major arguments I see transmedicalists push is that there’s only a limited number of surgeries or hormone prescriptions available, so it’s not okay for a non-dysphoric person to “steal” the resources that another trans person might need more. This makes sense in a limited kind of way; it’s a good way to operate if, say, you’re sharing a pizza for lunch and deciding whether to give the last slice to someone who’s hungry and hasn’t eaten, or someone who’s already full.

When you start to back up and look at really big and complex systems–basically anything as big, or bigger, than a school board or a hospital or a municipal government–it’s not a helpful lens anymore. Because the most important thing about social institutions is that they can change. We can make them change. And the most important factor in how much the world changes is how many people demand that it change.

I’ve talked about this before when it comes to homeless shelters, and how the absolute worst thing they can have are empty beds. I used to work in women’s shelters, which came about when second-wave feminists started seriously looking at the problem of domestic violence in the 1960s and 70s, It was an issue male-dominated governments and healthcare systems hadn’t taken seriously before, but feminists started heck and did research and staged demonstrations and basically demanded that organizations that worked for the “public benefit” reduce the number of women being killed by their husbands. Their research showed that the leading cause of death in those cases were when women tried to leave and their partners tried to kill them, so the most obvious solution was to give them someplace safe to go where their partners couldn’t find them. Therefore the solution became: Women’s shelters. When feminists committed to founding and running these shelters, local governments could be talked into giving them money to keep them running.

(Men’s rights activists, the misogynist kind, like to whine about “why aren’t there men’s shelters?” and the very simple answer is: Because you didn’t fight for them, you teatowels. Whether a movement gets resources and funding is hugely a reflection of how many people have said, “This needs resources and funding! Look, I’m writing a cheque! Everyone, throw money at this!” In other news, The BC Society for Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse does great work. People should throw money at them.)

When the system in power knows there are resources it wants and doesn’t have, it finds a way to make them appear. For example, in Canada, the government knows that it doesn’t have enough trained professionals living in its far North, where the population is scarce and not very many people want to live. Doctors and teachers would prefer to live in the southern cities. But because it’s committed to Northern schools and hospitals, they create incentives. For example, the government offers to pay off the student loans of teachers or health professionals who agree to work for a few years in Northern communities.

Part of why trans healthcare resources are so scarce is that for a long time, trans people were considered too small a part of the population to care about. Like, “Trans people exist, but we won’t have to deal with them.” Older estimates said 0.4% of the population was trans, which meant a city of 100,000 people would have 400 trans people. A single family doctor can have 2000 or 3000 clients, so the city could have maybe 1 or 2 doctors who really “got” trans issues, and all the trans people would tell each other to only go see those doctors because all the rest were assholes. And the cracks in the system didn’t really seem serious. A couple hundred dissatisfied people not getting the healthcare they needed? Meh! Hospital administrators had more to worry about!

But the trans population is growing. A recent poll of Generation Z said 2.6% of middle schoolers in Minnesota were some kind of trans. which is 2,600 per 100,000. That’s enough to make hospitals think that maybe the next endocrinologist or OB/GYN they hire should have some training in treating trans people. That’s enough to make a health authority think that maybe the state should open up a new gender confirmation surgery clinic, since demand is rising so much.

Or well, I mean. Hospitals have a lot on their minds. This might not occur to them as their top priority. They’d probably think of it a lot sooner if a bunch of those trans people sent them letters or took out a billboard or showed up by the dozens at a public meeting to say, “Hello, there are a fuckload of us. Budget accordingly. We want to see your projected numbers for the next five years.”

When you’re doing that kind of work, suddenly it hurts your cause to limit your number of concerned parties. Sure, limited focus groups or steering committees can have limited membership, but when you put their ideas into action, to protest something or lobby for political change, you need numbers. If you want to show that you’re a big and important group that systems should definitely pay attention to, you don’t just need every trans or GNC or NB person who’s got free time to devote to your campaign, you also need every cis ally who can pad out numbers or lick envelopes or hand out water bottles or slip you insider information about the agenda at the next board meeting. You need bodies, time, and money, and you get them best by being inclusive about who’s in your party. Heck, if it would benefit your cause to team up with the local breast cancer group because trans women and cis women who have had mastectomies both have an interest in asking a hospital to have a doctor on staff who knows how to put a set of tits together, then there are strong reasons to do it.

Basically: All the time any marginalized group spends fighting over scraps is generally time we could spend demanding that the people handing out the food give us another plate. If you don’t think you’re getting enough, the best answer isn’t to knock it out of somebody’s hands, but to get together to say, “HEY! WE’RE NOT GETTING ENOUGH!”

That kind of work is complicated and difficult! It’s definitely much harder than yelling at someone on Tumblr for not being trans enough. But if you do any level of getting involved with activist groups that fight for real systemic change, whether that’s following your local Pride Centre on Twitter or throwing $5 at a trans advocacy group or writing your elected representative about the need for more trans health resources, you’re pushing forward lasting change that will help everyone.

#staranise original #transmedicalism tw #transphobia tw #homophobia tw #my problems with sj let me show you them

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skeletalroses · 3 years

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I was going to submit this anonymously to one of the bigger aspec blogs but it got so long that I’d feel like a pain in the ass. I’m posting this because I’ve recently landed in a bit of a difficult situation in the vein of Just Aroace Things, and I’m not sure what to do or even how to feel. I’m hoping to get some advice from the community re: a topic that comes up from time to time---navigating roommate/housing situations as an aroace, particularly when your potential roommate’s romance fucks you over.

I met my best friend, A, our sophomore year of college when we got paired up via roommate lottery. We clicked right away and had a blast living together. Unfortunately it only lasted a year, since the best option for my major was to transfer to another campus while for her it was best to stay put. We’ve known each other for nine years now and live in different states, but we visit regularly and had always talked about living together again once we both moved away from our parents.

I’m aroace, sex- and romance-repulsed. A is super considerate and supportive of this. She even discovered recently that she’s demisexual (which she learned about while researching the symbolism of the asexual flag! On her own, completely unprompted! Because she thought it would help her understand me more! See? Super supportive!). She is, however, very, very alloromantic. Up until now this has just been one more facet of our overall odd-couple dynamic (I’m an Addams and she’s a Disney fairy), which has always been something we’ve laughed at and reveled in.

A couple months ago, however, A moved out of her parents’ place and in with her boyfriend of a few years. I’m still with my parents, which suits me fine for the time being, but I eventually want to move out. Like I said, A and I have long talked about living together. We never made any specific plans, but I’ve asked her before to verify that yes, this is a thing we’re both Actually down to do when the time’s right. But that was a good while ago, before she moved in with Boyfriend. We visited last weekend and I brought up the subject again, because I’ve been unsure about it since that whole development.

“Feel free to say no; I won’t be offended; I just want to know how my options stand at this point. We’ve talked in the past about rooming together again. With Boyfriend in the picture now, is that still on the table?”

A’s answer: “Boyfriend has a lot of anxiety, so probably not. Sorry. He doesn’t even like having his family stay over. You’re welcome to stay a few days but not for like weeks on end.”

This was a calm conversation had over cocktails in the mall. She asked to make sure my parents weren’t threatening to kick me out or anything; I assured her that they weren’t, and I wasn’t moving anytime soon, and it’s okay that my rooming with her is out.

Only I’m not that okay with it. I wasn’t confident she’d say yes, but I did kind of think it was likely, and moreover I’m realizing how much I was unconsciously banking on that plan. I’ve been sans income during the pandemic, and I have a fuckton of economic anxiety to begin with. A’s a STEM major in a big city who easily found a solidly-paying job right out of college. She gets promotions and raises and shit. I’m a humanities major in the middle of Bumfuck, Nowhere where all my impressive qualifications (which I do have) can’t get me anything with a living wage below management level, let alone something in my field. And I’m never going to have that built-in cohabitant in the form of a romantic or sexual partner that allos like A can take for granted. A was the person I could split costs with so as to maybe live semi-decently with someone compatible. Without her, my chances of having that have plummeted.

And it’s all because she got a romosexual partner. This guy who’s known her half as long as I have; who never worked her through the trials and eventual breakup of her previous long-term, engaged-to-be-engaged relationship; who has himself caused her massive amounts of grief, suffering, and sometimes outright danger through his inability to competently handle the drama in his personal life that should never have touched her, all while her mother would write letters to me asking me to come visit because, actual quote, A only smiles when I’m around. He was the reason she would be too depressed to function, and I had to long-distance therapize her through it even though she refused to take the basic step of leaving this grown-ass man at least until he got his shit together, because “he needs me.”

It’s like this dude calls the shots in A’s and my relationship now. I hadn’t seen her in seven months because every time we planned a weekend to hang out, it’d get canceled because Boyfriend wanted to go see his family or something (and he can’t do that without her, I fucking guess). Even this last visit got cut down to overnight when it was supposed to be the long weekend, because Boyfriend wanted to make other plans. And now my best option for future living arrangements is apparently down the shitter because of him. It’d have been one thing if A doesn’t want to live with me anymore because she and he need their allo space or whatever the fuck couples do (still amatonormative and lousy for me). But as far as I understand, it’s not even that. It’s not her. It’s Boyfriend. A and I can be planning something for the two of us for weeks, for months, for years, then it all goes away in a minute because ehh, it kinda cramps Boyfriend’s style. I’m, as A called me, her “best friend soulmate.” I Was Here First. I never fucking made her cry. But I can’t kiss her or fuck her, so I automatically take a backseat to the one who can. I don’t need to be her Number One, but I don’t appreciate being pushed aside at Boyfriend’s every whim.

A, I’m sure, doesn’t realize how it looks from my angle. I know she cares about me and doesn’t want me to feel devalued. She’s just an oblivious alloro. I’m not even sure Boyfriend’s intentionally hogging her. (To be clear, I don’t think he’s a bad person; I’ve only met him a handful of times but I reliably clock my friends’ truly shitty partners on less. I haven’t heard about any crises in the past year or so, so I guess he’s finally managing his baggage well enough that A’s life can go smoothly and not suck.) I’m not unsympathetic to anxiety either; I’m chronically mentally ill and I’ve had my share. And I get we’re little more than strangers at this point. But I hate that he can just singlehandedly veto me and A rooming together ever. It’s much more of a blow to my likely quality of life than he or A---or tbh even I did, before this point---realize.

I hate feeling like I’m being jealous and needy. Maybe A just genuinely likes him better and it’s not only an amatonormative thing. I know I’m not entitled to live with her; it’s not like we promised or anything. But the option getting shut down really made me realize how much I resent not having it, and how much I kind of resent Boyfriend in general.

Which brings me to the asking-for-advice part, to the maybe two people who’ve read this far. Aspecs on here have talked about how amatonormativity fucks over single people and especially aros in terms of housing and life in general. Has anyone dealt with a situation like mine? How do you manage the amatonormative behavior of people in your life snatching your prospects out from under you, or feeling like it has? Is my reaction even reasonable? If so, how should I bring it up to A? This would be the closest thing we’ve ever had to a conflict, and also I’m...not great at being vulnerable. I can’t even vagueblog about these topics because my social media presence is limited to Tumblr and hers to Facebook. Hell, maybe I should just forget it for now, since I’m not changing housing anytime soon anyway, and cross that bridge when I get to it. I wouldn’t ask her to leave him, since their relationship seems to be going a lot smoother than it had been. But goddamn, am I filled with aroace salt about this.

#aromantic #amatonormativity #arophobia #asexual #aroace #might delete this later #sorry about the rant #why this is hell nor am I out of it

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cauliflowercounty · 4 years

Text

Gone Too Far? (Fred Weasley x fem!Reader)

House: Gryffindor

Blood Status: You Choose

Warning: Light swearing, some suggestive moments

A/N: Youre in an established relationship with Fred

——

Fred and George have been on a major hot streak. The pranks were glorious and the castle had been in mayhem for the last week, which the twins basked in gleefully and your heart filled with warmth seeing Fred so happy and satisfied with his schemes.

It was obvious who the pranks had been orchestrated by, but the twins were masters of their craft, working with a couple of other trusted Gryffindors to create air-tight alibis and complex game plans, so it was impossible to provide evidence that it was them other than “of course it was the twins!”

This round of pranks all started when the twins decided to get under the Slytherin team’s skin before the upcoming quidditch match. Gryffindor would be playing Slytherin and Draco Malfoy had been targeting Harry as of late to get him off his game.

In order to even the playing field, the twins enchanted all the statues in the castle to shout insults about Draco Malfoy whenever anyone passed them, earning cheers from everyone not in Slytherin. Some of the favorites of the student body were “Draco Malfoy is a deviled old twat” and “Draco Malfoy’s wig is made of treated Sasquatch hair.”

The statues were finally silenced once the statue of the architect of Hogwarts in the front hall shouted that Draco Malfoy was “a bigoted mother fucking daddy’s boy,” which Professor Snape heard loud and clear while discussing the upcoming Quidditch match with Professor McGonagall. Snape quickly silenced the statue and set off to deal with all the others, leaving McGonagall with a small smile on her face.

Next, Fred and George set to messing with the whole team and had sent fraudulent report cards in unmarked envelopes that would read aloud the fake abysmal grades they’d written in them to all the members of the Slytherin quidditch team. Fred and George also sent them to all the Slytherins in Harry’s year for kicks, in order to freak them out, too. This, earned the slytherins a lot of unwanted attention and resulted in all of them wasting about two hours going to their professors, trying to resolve their grades only to find they were fake while Fred and George snickered in the corner and the Gryffindor team booked extra practice time while their opposition was distracted.

Additionally, the twins had charmed all the food at the Slytherin table to turn into ash in peoples mouths and the pumpkin juice to disappear during breakfast among other things.

The last incident was the grandest that had yielded exactly what the twins wanted, but also ended up unintentionally landing you in a 3 week long detention with Snape.

The Slytherin quidditch team had finally been able to book a practice on the Tuesday before the game this upcoming Saturday. The Slytherins has been relieved that they were able to book the pitch since the twins had been putting obstacles in their way for the last week. Their relief was short lived; the twins had arrived at the pitch two hours before Slytherins’ time slot and enchanted all the equipment.

Upon releasing the bludgers, things seemed normal at first until the quaffle started to turn red hot in the chasers’ hands each time someone caught it, causing the player to drop it and yelp in pain.

The bludgers were normal, until Crabbe and Goyle started hitting them. Each time a bludgers came in contact with the bat, the bludgers would split in two. This went unnoticed by the two beaters until all 16 of the bludgers decided to hurl themselves at the team captain, intimately causing him to flee. This resulted in Draco Malfoy losing sight of the snitch, but once he realized what had happened, catching the snitch was the least of his problems.

The snitch on the other hand, had grown to be about a meter in diameter, but it kept its old flight pattern and started to zip around the pitch, cutting into the stands with its wings, which were now blades of destruction. It hurled through the air, nearly knocking all the players off their brooms.

This turn of events made the whole team to abandoned practice and return to the castle and find Professor Snape, knowing full well the twins were behind this. Hopefully Snape would be able to take points at the very least or have them banned at the upcoming match, making the Gryffindor team to have no choice but to forfeit.

As the Slytherins rushed into the changing rooms to escape the gargantuan death snitch, Fred and George popped out from the changing stalls and confunded all of them I order to ensure this couldn’t be traced back to them, making a quick getaway.

After being confunded, none of the Slytherins remembered who was at fault for the outcome of practice, but passed by you studying for Transfiguration on their way to tell Snape what had happened, resulting in you being blamed for the mayhem since you were the last face they saw. This earned your three month detention and lost Gryffindor 50 points.

You knew it had been Fred and George who executed the prank. Most people if they wanted to mess with another team would dye something a different color or perform an easily reversed transfiguration, but charming all the equipment to produce a quidditch practice from hell reeked of Fred Weasley and seeing Fred Weasley’s face after you had your talking to from Professor Snape said it all.

Because of that, you and Fred aren’t talking currently, which was mostly the fault of Fred since he was suddenly to shy to come up and apologize. Maybe it was the look of death you have him after you saw his face? You desperately wanted to talk to him, but he was avoiding you at all costs.

Otherwise, the final days leading up to the game were wonderful. Now, you’re sitting at the Gryffindor table with Harry, Hermione, and Ron, trying to get Harry psyched up.

“Come on, mate,” Ron says, pushing Harry’s plate toward him. “You gotta eat something. I haven’t seen you like this since your first quidditch match ever.”

“I’m just concerned about this time. Malfoy wants blood this time, especially this time since Fred and George have been merciless as of late,” Harry groans, shoving his head into his hands.

“But you gotta admit... Fred and George got him good. That statue moment was priceless,” Ron laughs. “Speaking of Freddie, are you taking with him again, y/n?”

“No,” you reply, “and it’s not my fault. He hasn’t spoken to me since I came out of Snape’s office. It’s too bad. I miss Freddie. I’m not even that mad at him anymore....”

Hermione raises her eyebrows at that comment. “Not mad at him?” she scoffs. “I’m not buying it, y/n. You were livid at him.”

“Well, that was only for 2 seconds. I can’t stay mad at that face,” you sigh, earning a fake barf noise from Ron. You roll you eyes at his reaction. “he did land me in Snape’s detention of all detentions for 3 weeks and lost us all valuable points. Now Ravenclaw is in the lead for house cup,” you explain, “but I’m over that. I want Freddie back.”

You smile, thinking about Fred and your late night conversations in the common room until 3am and the way he families when you laugh at his jokes. You sigh, hoping he’ll get over himself soon.

“Harry, eat something,” you say quickly, eager to change the conversation as you snap out for your day dream. “If you say Draco wants blood, you should eat so he doesn’t have the upper hand to begin with.”

You look over to the Slytherin table and they’re all horking down food like there’s no tomorrow.

“... also I think Crabbe and Goyle just ate a full chicken each,” you whisper, trying to look away from the two slytherin beaters with chicken fat smeared on their hands, face, and uniform. Your friends hiss at the sight and divert their eyes.

“Don’t worry, Harry,” Hermione smiles.

“Yeah,” you join in. “You’ve always been the better seeker.”

Harry nods in thanks and returns to his food, eating this time as you all hope for victory this afternoon.

“HARRY POTTER HAS SEEN THE SNITCH! He’s gaining in it and- Ooh! Draco Malfoy has just rammed into him from the side, pushing Potter off course! Now he’s after the snitch- Malfoy should really learn to find the snitch himself, lazy ass-“

“JORDAN!” McGonagall scolds angrily, glaring at Lee.

“Sorry, Professor! It just comes out!” Lee defends, but McGonagall shoots him a look of pure irritation. Turning back to the game, Lee stammers, “I-I mean... it won’t happen again! Potter and Malfoy are neck and neck! Fred Weasley deflects a bludgers header for his seeker! And now the seeker go into a dive! This is gonna be close!”

“GO HARRY!!” You shout as you watch Harry plummet towards the ground, swiftly pulling up inches above the ground.

The seekers fly forward, arms outstretched. From behind, a bludgers heads for Malfoy, knocking him forwards off his broom. As he falls, Malfoy grabs onto Harry’s robes and pulls him down to the ground with him. Both of them hit the ground, kicking up a large cloud of dust on impact. A resounding chorus of oohs euros from the crowd. That must have hurt.

“And the seekers WIPE OUT!” Lee shouts, nearly leaning over the edge of the stands too far in order to get a good look.

As the dust clears, the crowd mourners and a figure emerges. It’s Harry, holding the fluttering, struggling snitch between his fingers.

The Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw stands erupt in joyous cheers at Slytherin’s loss. Groans and angry shouts fill the Slytherin stands as Draco Malfoy, holding his arm limps forward and angrily kicks his broomstick, bitter and jealous of Harry basking in the glory of a Gryffindor victory.

You sneak a look at your Freddie. He’s bumping bats with George, a gleeful smile on his face, knowing his pranks and psychological warfare paid off. Fred looks down to the stands, and his eyes scan for you. You smile as you lock eyes. A dopey grin breaks in his face as he realizes that your smile is directed at him. You wave to him, calling him over as the Gryffindors next to you clear stands to get to the after party in the common room that’s sure to last late into the night with streamers, confetti, loud radio music, and endless butter beer.

“Hi, Freddie,” you call as he pulls up in front of you on his Cleansweep.

“Hi..,” he respond, a little on edge since this is the first time he’s said anything to you in days. Fred knew it was wrong to ghost you after the incident, but the longer he waited, the harder it got to say something to you again. “Y/n- I’m so-”

You giggle as he starts. “It’s okay, Freddie. I’m not mad anymore,” you explain with a comforting look.

“Please! I just messed up and I didn’t know that the charm would-”

“Fred! I’m not mad at you! You don’t need to make a speech!” You clarify, reaching out to him. Surprised, he nods and touches down in the stands next to you. He demounts and sits next to you. Folding his hands into yours, you lean on his chest and he smiles at the closeness. He’d missed you more than he’s care to admit.

“How come you’re not mad at me? I landed you in detention.. with Snape!” he says, furrowing his brow in confusion.

“Don’t remind me,” you shush, putting a finger to his lips. “All I wanted was a quick apology from you. Detention is a small price to pay.”

“You you think Georgie and I went overboard?” He asks you. “With the pranks?”

“If you didn’t go overboard, I’d be concerned,” you joke, learning you a small kiss. “It’s not like you to just half-ass a prank.”

“How do you even stand all my nonsense?” he asks, pulling you closer to him.

“It’s one of my many talents,” you quip. “And I love you. Now, go get changed, Mister Weasley. You smell like quidditch and we should be heading to the common room to celebrate your victory.”

He nods and grabs his broom.

“Come on,” he says, motioning for you to climb on behind him. You look at him incredulously. “I’m not letting you walk down all those stairs when it’s easier for you to hop on as I fly to the changing rooms. Get on, love. I don’t bite.”

“You,” you start, pointing at him, “know that’s an absolute lie, Fred Weasley. Remember that one time in that broom cupboard? And you just couldn’t-”

“Of course not! I cold too forget that,” Fred interrups, with a smirk. “I also happened to remembered we both agreed on a continuation of that encounter, but a follow up never happened...”

“Okay, okay, Freddie. Later,” you smile, climbing into the broom behind him and wrapping your arms around him. With a hearty Fred Weasley laugh he kicks off and you both fly off towards the changing rooms where he drops you off. As he heads in to change, you call to him that you’ll wait for him.

He shouts back, “no need to, love!”

You wait anyway. He smiles as he comes out with disheveled hair from changing, spotting you. He told his eyes as if to say “I can’t believe you waited again,” even though he loves that you sit and wait for him, and he takes your hand as you place a kiss on his lips. He returns the kiss immediately and holds you closely.

Breaking away reluctantly, you whisper “never leave me alone like that ever again, Freddie.”

“I don’t plan on it, y/n,” he smiles back, packing your cheek and pulling you toward the castle for the Gryffindor house party.

#harry potter #fred weasley #fred weasley imagine #fred weasley x reader #weasley twins #Fred weasley is a sweetheart

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strayinvelvet · 3 years

Text

just another date, i guess

going on a blind date is something you completely hated but your cute date makes you wanna give it a shot

pairing: felix x reader

genre: fluff, blind date au

wc: 1.9k

warnings: none

a/n: this piece is for @dnceracha as part of the @districtninewriters winter fic exchange!! ta-daa i am your winter fic exchange buddy!! i am very sorry for being late :( i didn’t wanna give a half-assed fic. i hope you like this!

You could call yourself an independent woman who needs no man by her side.

You managed to survive from birth up to date with no romance and you are not one bit regretful. Yet somehow, your friends find it ridiculous that you still don’t have someone you can call yours.

That is how you found yourself sitting in a nice restaurant you never imagined you would visit, waiting for your supposedly “nice date”. It’s only been ten minutes actually but at least for you, this is not a good first date impression.

Truth is you haven’t even met this guy in person. Logically speaking, it is only right for you to ditch this scene for your safety and just prepare for the holiday celebration. However, your friends managed to throw in their best persuasion skills to force you to meet this man in hopes of getting you a date before the holidays because according to their belief, it is a crime to not spend the holidays with a lover (the way you mentally rolled your eyes at that).

Well, you can’t ignore the fact that they probably mean well and are just looking out for you. You knew they were bound to do this sooner or later, counting the many times you have made them worried due to your habit of relying on yourself more than others. So, you said yes. Of course, you used this as an excuse that this will be your christmas gift to them which they said yes to as long as you meet this guy. Hitting two birds with one stone. You’ll get them to shut up about your non-existing dating life and you will not have to worry about their presents.

Now, the only thing you are worrying about is your date. Changbin, the man behind all this, probably won’t prank, you thought. But as more minutes pass by, you’re starting to think he is actually pranking you or your date ditched you. You don’t know what’s worse. You were about to message Changbin for a failed blind date when a man stood in front of you, hair disheveled while catching his breath.

“Are you perhaps y/n? Changbin’s friend?” Oh, he must be the guy.

“Yes and are you..?”

“Felix, yeah nice to meet you. I am really sorry for being late but it was really traffic and I ran into a couple who knocked me down and squashed my flowers so yeah…,” he trailed off as he held out his right hand to show you the small bouquet of flattened flowers.

He looked really worried and judging from the way he was talking, he ran all the way from the parking lot to the restaurant. You couldn’t say you weren’t touched by his cute actions. What an adorable boy and an adorable face at that. He looks apologetic enough. Suppose you could forgive the bad first impression?

“Hey, it’s ok. Why don’t you sit down first? Should I order now?” you smiled probably because of his effort to explain or because he’s adorable. When you noticed he was about to put the flowers away, you immediately asked him why. “I will just buy you another one. It’s really not a sight,” he smiled apologetically once again. Wow, ain’t he the most adorable guy you’ve ever met but you could really do with ones he have right now.

“It’s perfect. I’d be glad to receive it,” you returned his smile to assure him that you find no problem with the half destroyed roses. It’s adorable and realistic, nonetheless. “Well if you really want it,” he gave you the roses and you accepted with a kind smile and a thank you. Few moments later, the waiter arrived asking for your orders.

It wasn’t until the food arrived at your table did you finally realize how ridiculous Changbin is for setting you up in an expensive restaurant. The prices are no joke. You’ve expected this but still, you didn’t expect a mini bowl of soup that tastes like leaves with a sprinkle of meat and salt to cost this much. To think that this is the cheapest in their menu, sigh. You’re a broke college student afterall and like hell are you gonna pay for a full course meal.

Just pretend you’re on a diet and drink lots of water. That would be enough.

“So you’re also a business major?” you asked as an attempt to distract yourself from the disappointing food in front of you.

“Yeah. Changbin told me you’re a communications major. How is it?” he asked back. He doesn’t look like he has any problems with his food. Rich people have weird tastes, you think.

“Yeah, it’s not honestly not much. How about yours?” you answered, trying to keep the conversation going.

The conversation went as basic as possible. The typical where do you live, what are you majoring in, what do you plan after you graduate and the likes. It ended as soon as you both finished your food, which was quite fast due to the unexpected small serving for the huge price. Like any other date, this couldn’t end without the who-will-pay debate. In the end, you managed to split the bill in half which unknowingly for you, is a win-win for Felix as well.

“Thank you for the night, Felix I had fun,” you said as he held the door for you as you exit the building. “No worries! I had fun as well. Ah, you live in that area right? Since I live there too, I’ll give you a ride!”

Now that is an offer you can’t decline. A free ride after spending that much. Why not? “Sure. Thank you,” you said trying to sound as gleeful as possible, trying to hide the still lingering disappointment from the food you just had.

The ride towards your apartment was quiet except for the short conversations that were thrown every now and then. It was, well, awkward. You couldn’t blame him though. He has a nice personality and all that, it was just the first impression kinda had a strong impact on you. Especially that the date was in a venue you definitely wouldn’t pick if you were just asked.

“Thank you for the ride,” you said as you hopped off the car. Felix watches you finally get off. “It’s nothing really. I hope to see you soon,” he said with a hopeful look.

“Me too,” you smiled for the last time before closing the door and entering your apartment complex. Felix waited for you to be completely inside before going off.

Both of you sincerely wish you could meet again. Felix was just mesmerized by the way you tell your stories and you were mesmerized by his adorable clumsiness. But the date left a too strong impression to make a plan anytime soon. Maybe next time when the earlier mess have turned into a fading memory.

Both of you didn’t want it to be but you guessed, it was just another date again.

Later that night, your stomach was rumbling. Ah, it was finally acting up after giving it only one soup. Maybe one pack of ramen wouldn’t hurt? It’s vacation anyway so no one will see your bloated face next morning. You hastily got up, making you a bit dizzy, and fished for your wallet before running to the convenience store.

The moment you entered, your plan was set. Ramen and a serving of kimchi. Once you located the target, you immediately paid for it before cooking the cup ramen. You can already smell the spicy glory and it only made you more than hungrier. The soup was still hot yet you couldn’t care less. You dived for it like it was your last meal. Man did that restaurant really starve you.

In the midst of your enjoyment, a deep voice interrupted you. “Hey, let’s share your kimchi. I’ll share my potatoes,” he said and you were confused. Wow. People are too courageous these days to ask a stranger to share food.

You looked up at the man with your mouth full of noodles only to choke on them when you realize that the man in front of you is the same man you just had a date with. His eyes also widened at the sight of you but he recovered faster upon the realization that you are choking. He immediately patted your back and gave you some water which you accepted and drank. When the lump subsided, you managed to look at him again and ask, “Felix?”

“y/n?”

“Why are you here?” you asked dumbfounded.

“I told you I live in this area too.”

“Yeah but why are you here in the convenience store at this time of the night.”

“I … was… hungry…” he paused, “I am not insinuating anything, I was just really hungry,” he was hesitant to say it due to the fear that you might think the date was bad. But truthfully, you were the same.

“No it’s okay I was hungry too,” you also contemplated before continuing but it is best to be honest now that you met again, very soon than what you expected, “to be honest, I am not a fan of that restaurant.”

Felix, who unconsciously breathed a sigh of relief looked at you with twinkling eyes, “you know what? Same! I had to ask Changbin why on earth did he set us up in that place when it’s way too expensive.”

You giggled at his cuteness, “he was the only one who could afford it,” you rolled your eyes at Changbin like he was with the two of you at that moment. It was Felix’s turn to giggle, “Right? Maybe we should have asked him to pay for our food.” With that, you both laughed sincerely like you were given a chance to let your run loose and be carefree.

When your laughs died down, you cleared your throat softly and asked him, “so, do you want some kimchi?”

He smiled a large on slid his pack of instant crispy potatoes to your side, "sure thing, lady. And here's my potatoes," he wriggle his eyebrows.

"Can't believe you asked a stranger to share food," you went back to your ramen to blow on it before continuing your snack. "I was desperate, okay? I was really hungry so I just reached for whatever I could find but then I saw your kimchi and I wanted one too but my money is not enough," he replied without looking at you, focusing on his own food.

You noticed, for the second time, his habit of overexplaining things and, for the second time, you found it extremely adorable. You reached for one of his potatoes using your chopsticks and chomped on it. "Well, your potatoes don't taste too bad."

"That's why I said let's share not let's exchange."

Laughter again erupted from your mouths and you finally felt it. A conversation that is free flowing. One that is not forced or made just to lessen the awkwardness and the stiff air around. There wasn't even a stiff air around this time. It was just the two of you, your instant noodles and your amusement of each other.

Felix felt it too, how this night felt more of a date than the earlier dinner. There were no flowers, fancy plates and dresses. It was a night (midnight) that does not require masking to satisfy the other. He was in his pajamas and you were in your hoodie. How much more raw could it get?

Finally, both of you felt like this time, it was a proper date.

It was past two in the morning when you finally got home. Time seems to fly during your unexpected midnight snack with Felix. You didn't mind spending more time with Felix but he insisted that all the rendezvous today must have made you exhausted. And you agreed. It was only now when you finally felt your aching calf from the heels earlier that evening and your heavy eyelids. You were more than thankful that Felix was considerate enough to walk you home. When you thought you were about to fall asleep, a notification rang your phone.

Felix (changbin friend): See you tomorrow, maybe?

Y/n: See you tomorrow. :)

Guess it wasn’t just another date after all.

#districtninewriters #inkidz #stray kids #stray kids au #lee felix #stray kids x reader #skz au #stray kids fluff #stray kids imagines #stray kids scenario #felix x you #felix x reader #i got some inspo from the kdrama cheese in the trap

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nakajimaakane · 3 years

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Akane-chan you're active again! It's been so long! I notice you have ceased reading Voltage too? I mean I get it now that there are less good stories there. Anyway, I also play MLQC, Wannabe and ToT, and they're far better than Voltage nowadays, aren't they? Just curious, who do you like the most?? Like I see your posts vary, but my guess it between Luke and Artem, right right??

hi anon! honestly, seeing asks from those who have known me since before my years of hiatus really made my day! firstly, thank you for dropping by in my askbox, i’m always happy to answer or just to converse at all!

i’ll put my response under the cut since it contains a lot of personal opinion others may not agree on :3

to answer you, yes, i read less of Voltage nowadays, mainly because of my status as a last year college student with a baggage of ongoing thesis and as much as i refrain to say it, yes, some other games like Tears of Themis really outdoes Voltage in some vital aspects. another factor that made me just done with them is the LC system, honestly that really wrings me dry. to me that’s kinda a rip-off with not much of major substance, especially for after stories they do in Destind. and do you know how Voltage is splitting everything in 2 parts now? i get why they do it, like with Oops, I Said Yes?! for example. the storyline and everything are great and all, so i’ll continue buying each of the upcoming story since it’s still manageable and a fun read overall. but i can’t barely believe it when i saw in JP app that the new title is LC and is separated into at least more than one part, like how much of that would cost? there’s even a bad ending for it so if you don’t spend any hearts at all, there’s a chance of you not getting good end like they do in MK and RMD, but a bad ending altogether.

maybe i’ve held this for a while now and that’s why i’m letting it all out to you anon, i’m so sorry. but well, you can say that’s also one of the whys i read Voltage less now, and i believe this isn’t the first time i’ve been asked too. but please don’t get me wrong, some titles are still good, like Oops, I Said Yes?! (even if it’s pricey, the story is still worth it, i’m waiting for Shu’s epilogue next!), Her Love in the Force (they’re far better now than in 2016), My Last First Kiss (as silly as it sounds, i’m rediscovering my love for this title after the 6th year sale), Irresistible Mistakes (some are pretty great, to me it’s Natsume), Our Private Homeroom (this title has everything, shame it’s just underrated), Romance MD (for the sub-stories), and Masquerade Kiss (honestly if forced, this title is the only one i’d spend hearts for). Kings of Paradise is great too, i’ve read some but the overall theme isn’t my usual go-to story so i only buy the ones that interests me the most. as for the f2p, SLBP is pretty good and dare i say that it’s the only title i’m constantly following from the start until now without long break.

that... turned out to be a long hella rant, i’m so sorry again.

and then moving on to Tears of Themis! yes, i love this title so so so much! so far, everything is going great in this game. my only complaints are how the AP is charging not quite fast enough and there’s a limit to S-chips you can get every week. aside from that, everything is simply perfect. SSR cards from gachas are actually pretty doable, the art is hella amazing, voice acting is on point and each character is unique in its own way, and even the MC is more than what i could have imagined! the main, personal and card stories are so great and i’m hooked every single time. everything makes sense and that’s why i love Tears of Themis in terms of storyline, MC and the depth of it all.

as for who i like the most... honestly you’re not far off the mark, but it’s more like i also love all of them too? like i love Rosa and Luke’s chemistry, mentor-subordinate relationship between her and Artem, playfulness here and there between her and Marius, and how eloquent and smooth everything is between her and Vyn? i basically ship her with any boy who shows up lol. but i think when it comes down to it, Luke and Artem’s personal stories indeed make me can’t wait to level up to read the next chapter. like there’s Luke and his bittersweet situation and Artem’s personal story is just the perfect balance of fluff and workplace conflict. i suppose that’s my kind of story :3

how about you anon? who do you like the most? looking forward to your reply! :)

#ask #anonymous #love 365: find your story #voltage inc #love choice #tears of themis

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aot-snk-4238 · 3 years

Text

SNK Meta Part 2: Ymir

In my previous post, I talked about my feelings regarding Historia's character this final arc. Now I'm going to talk about Ymir, her relationship with Historia, and my feelings about her send-off.

Was Ymir a good character?

In my eyes, yes. When she was first introduced, it was clear that she had feelings for Historia, making her one of the only canon queer characters in the series (assuming Historia reciprocated those feelings, which I'm pretty sure she did). She also appeared very snarky and cynical, but us readers came to learn later on that there was a much softer, sensitive side to her deep down that Historia would be the first to witness. These revelations, including her backstory, helped flesh out her character in a way that made her very interesting and mysterious for me. I especially loved how sharp and intuitive she was. I'm going to quote the wiki on this part, because I think it does a great job explaining her impressive observant abilities. "Ymir was extremely perceptive and could discern the nature of the people around her with alarming accuracy, such as Historia's martyrdom mentality, Reiner's split personality disorder, and Sasha Blouse's desire to look good in front of her peers by hiding her native accent and developing an extremely formal way of speaking. Due to her experiences and belief in self-pride, she tended to rudely criticize people for being untrue to themselves. Furthermore, Ymir was very reasonable, as she knew what to do during her kidnapping situation and reconsidered her options to accomplish her goals." I also enjoyed her interactions with other characters besides Historia. Take Connie, for example. When he lamented over the possibility of his mother being stuck as a mindless titan, Ymir tried to distract him, albeit not in the most appropriate way (ch. 38).

Connie complained about this behavior later on, but Historia defended her, explaining that she was only trying to stray his thoughts from that traumatic discovery. There were a few more moments between these two that were fun to see as well.

😂😂😂. Ymir's looking at him like, "You ruined it, Connie..."

I love the way she pats him on the head. Knowing how much taller Connie's gotten I don't think she'd be able to do that anymore.

This becomes one of the many times that Connie calls her "ugly" when she's in her titan form. Too bad she couldn't talk very well as a titan or else she probably would have had a smartass remark to throw back at him. It's looking back on scenes like this where I wish we could have gotten more out of these two. You can tell she cared for Connie and I know he also cared in his own way.

We only saw her together with Eren once when Reiner and Bertholdt captured them, but it was very interesting to see their perceptions of each other.

Eren found Ymir to be mysterious and wasn't sure if he could trust her, which isn't surprising considering this was the only time they ever spoke to each other. One detail that he couldn't miss, however, was Ymir's undying determination to protect Historia, a goal they would both come to share later on. Meanwhile, Ymir couldn't trust Eren because she found him to be too reckless and hot-headed.

These were my favorite qualities from Ymir, although to this day I still question the rationality of leaving Historia behind considering the situation she's currently in. Historia herself called her an idiot after reading her goodbye letter. Now that I've covered my reasons for liking Ymir as a character, let's move on to her relationship with Historia.

Ymir and Historia

I've loved these two together since the beginning for their complex and amusing dynamic. On the surface, you had the selfish, confrontational tomboy and the girly, kind and beautiful goddess. But underneath were two young women who were dealt a dirty hand early in their life and lead empty lives as a result until they found each other. Their story arcs throughout the Clash of the Titans arc were beautiful and complimentary, and it's part of the reason why it's actually my favorite story arc in the series. Everything from Ymir seeing through Historia's charade and urging her to live her life with pride to Historia telling Ymir her real name and the two of them fighting side by side in chapter 49 was some of the most empowering moments for me and I will forever cherish those parts of the story.

Ymir's departure

And now the part I've been most excited to talk about! Ymir's glorious, memorable and emotional departure.

Her ending...was not what I expected it to be. She left Historia at the very last second and gave herself away to the enemy because she felt guilty for something that was not her fault. Now as we know, Ymir is selfless at heart and she felt indebted to Reiner and Bertholdt for inadvertently helping her return to her human form after 60 years of wandering the earth as a mindless titan. She also decided that Historia might be safe after all after learning that Eren possessed the coordinate. I understand all of that, but what I don't understand is...well...everything else.

This was Ymir's last real appearance. We see that Ymir has willingly chosen to accompany Reiner and Bertholdt back to Marley to give up her titan powers at the cost of her life. Many people weren't so sure if that was truly the last of her though, because her death was not explicitly confirmed for a long time. We spend the next 33 chapters hoping to get something more, and then this happens...

A glimmer of hope. Finally there's a real chance we'll hear from her again, and it's got a lot of people buzzing with excitement. Sure enough, we finally get to see what's in that letter a few chapters later and are given Ymir's backstory. Here's where the disappointing part comes, though. Ymir makes it clear at the beginning of her letter that she will be dead by the time Historia receives it, meaning that this is the only goodbye they're gonna get. The last time they saw each other, Ymir wasn't even in human form. Instead of a proper goodbye, all we get is a short letter. The anime even tried to fix this by giving us Ymir's backstory earlier, but by doing that, her letter was cut short by a lot. All that was really left was, "Hi babe, sorry I left you like that. Oh well, I'm about to die anyway. Sorry we couldn't get married." And then this happened:

Historia touches Ymir's letter and is suddenly bombarded with visions of Ymir's past, including her chained up and about to be eaten. That is definitely not what happened in the manga and its honestly very confusing to me. How was she able to see all of that just by touching the letter? I get that she has royal blood and was able to access memories when she touched Eren, but Eren is a human who just so happens to possess the founding titan. The letter is just a piece of paper. Also, I'm guessing the last thing Historia saw was Ymir chained up so that there will be no need to bring her up again like Reiner and Porco did in chapter 93. I don't blame the anime team for making that change because I'll be honest, when we saw that one panel of her in her death chamber it felt very out of nowhere and I had a hard time concentrating on the rest of the chapter after that. So here are my main problems with her death:

1. It was off-screen

If I recall correctly, Ymir is the only major character in the series whose death was off-screen. All we got were her final moments, and there wasn't even any dialogue. That part especially bothered me because you can see that Ymir and Porco are looking at each other and Ymir's mouth is slightly open, implying that she's speaking. But what was she saying? You seriously don't mean to tell me that they both just sat there and stared at each other the whole time. She must have had some last words, but for some reason we never got to know what they were. At one point I even thought that Historia and Porco might cross paths at some point and he would be able to give her closure that way but no. No closure, just a last minute goodbye letter and a glimpse of her final moments that I now consider completely useless and unnecessary because we never got more out of it. I mean really, we even got closure and an on-screen death for Marco for crying out loud. Why give him that kind of attention and not Ymir? Not to mention one of the more recent guidebooks. Her character has the diceased sticker and it talks about how she went back to Marley with Reiner and Bert, but that's it. Not even the guidebook makes it clear what happened next. Yeah she died, but did anything else happen before then? That's what I wish we could have gotten more details on like, I don't know....her final words???

2. It was anticlimactic

We didn't get enough focus on Ymir's point of view after leaving Paradis in order for her death to have any kind of lasting emotional impact. As I mentioned above, it just felt out of place and messy. There was nothing memorable about her death either. It was quite simple and boring.

3. It contributed to an ongoing literary issue that has anti-LGBTQ roots

Yep. I'm talking about the infamous Bury Your Gays trope. Now before I go any further, I am not accusing Isayama of being anti-LGBTQ, I'm just shedding some light on something that's been continuously repeated in countless forms of media, not just anime and manga. Truthfully, I hadn't heard about this trope before reading Attack on Titan, but when I did hear about it, it only made Ymir's death even worse for me. I'm not surprised that it exists and I realize that this is a manga where death is inevitable, but keeping both women alive in the end would have certainly been very refreshing. At this point, all I could ask for is that Ymir and Historia get to see each other one last time. Obviously since Ymir is dead it will have to be through other means and I don't care how it's done. It can be in a dream, a vision or through Paths (which I think would work best). Seriously, there's nothing I've been more curious about than how Ymir would react to Hisu's current predicament and what she would say to her. It would just be great for them to have one last conversation face to face because for me, the letter just wasn't enough. Of course I'm hoping for too much, though. We've only got 1-2% of the story remaining, leaving no room for further closure. It's disappointing and frustrating, but no story is perfect. I'm grateful for the content that we did get, but I hope one day I can find a story like this one where the queer characters get to live for once. I'm aware of other shows like Steven Universe, Adventure Time and Yuri on Ice that give them good endings, but those shows are much friendlier towards younger audiences and aren't nearly as dark and grim.

Conclusion

Ymir was a very intriguing character while we had her, but her death was unsatisfactory and only left us with more questions. I am not going to trash Isayama for it, but I will leave this critique here so I can unload all my thoughts for others to read if they wish, or possibly share their own thoughts. We are coming close to the end of the manga, so now would be a great time to reflect on what we read and enjoy what's left of it.

#snk #ymir #snk meta #snk spoilers #snk character analysis #snk manga #snk thoughts

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adamarinayu · 3 years

Note

Can you tell us more about your author au, back in action au, and Notre duck au? Sorry if I'm asking for a lot but I just saw them on your AU list and they caught my interest 😅

Haha sure! I haven’t worked on any of them in a while but here we go! It’s a bit long, especially the Back in Action section....

In the Author AU, Donald is an author who works under a pseudonym, so that he and the triplets can have some normalcy in life while also being able to support them comfortably. He’s the author of a best selling series, which is the Paperinik series (maybe in this AU it’ll be called Duck Avenger, idk).

He began writing the PK stories during highschool, and they were published as shorts regularly in a small magazine. Of course, being a teenager, it began as a fantasy- it was how he vented his frustrations. Gladstone, of course, figured it out, as did Della, but Scrooge had no interest so no one else outside of Donald’s closest circle (that is to say, Mickey, Minnie, Daisy and Goofy) knew. It soon grew to be a hero story, rather than a story about vengeance. At this point there are no nephews in the story.

After highschool, his story got picked up by a publishing company and Uno was his agent. He ended up including the character ONE based off of Uno, which Uno is equal parts amused and exasperated by (”Honestly, I thought you said you wanted to be anonymous.”). The two don’t officially become friends, however, until a couple of years later, when Della went missing. Donald had taken a surprisingly dark turn in the story which would have resulted in killing off the main characters, at which point Uno decided to intervene and talk to him. With Uno’s support and growing friendship Donald rewrote the story, keeping the darker tone but ending it on a higher note with all the characters alive and happy.

Donald also gave PK a family of his own, having him be a single father to three children (hinted heavily at them being adopted, after PK saved them as eggs), a decision which forever changed the direction of the books from being about a duck who fights because it’s all he’s good for, to being about a duck who fights because he has something worth fighting for. He and Uno obviously become very close over this time.

Gladstone reads every book that comes out. He always wins a free edition but insists on buying it, as his way of helping Donald out. He uses the tone of each book and the events that happen in them to determine whether or not he needs to come and kick a little sense into Donald.

Donald ultimately concludes the book series after Della comes back, with the story having a happy ending all around. Which definitely includes ONE getting a physical body and joining the family. Unsurprisingly he and Uno get married. Scrooge and the kids find out he’s the author of PK after Scrooge announces his studio bought the movie rights to the film lol. Della and Gladstone are just like “wow seriously, you guys didn’t see the writing clear on the wall?”

The Back in Action AU is basically, PK was a TV show and Donald was the titular character, PK. His co-star was Uno, who lent his voice and face to the character ONE (the names of all the characters in PK are changed, ofc, their real names are the actors’ names now, except for Uno and Xadhoom). The entire cast (yes, including Angus Fangus) were a pretty tight-knit family, of a sort. So while Della and Scrooge were adventuring (as he had left the adventure life behind, feeling as if he wasn’t contributing or seen as an equal among the group) he became part of a family of his own. Daisy also played PK’s love interest, though the two of them are actually more like Best Pals. They went to highschool together so. Daisy wasn’t in the main cast and was just a recurring character, as she had a main role in another series.

The triplets in PK were just babies, but PK wasn’t their primary caretaker. They were more like background characters, but occasionally PK would get roped into babysitting them and having to balance watching the children and saving the world because “oh god even if I stop the Evronian invasion if any of their feathers get singed my sister will kill me!” (Note, PK’s sister was only seen in photos and was a blonde, like in the original comics. You can hear her voice now and then though)

Donald was close with everyone (oh the bloopers he and Angus had.... and of course the Evronians, something ALWAYS went wrong with their costumes!) but Uno became his best friend (and his almost-more). The series was the most popular thing on TV for a while, and Gladstone and Fethry were so proud of their brother cousin and so sad that Scrooge and Della were missing the best moments of his life. Gladstone and Fethry are much more involved in Donald’s life than Della and Scrooge are in this AU. That isn’t to say they don’t all love each other very much, it’s just Della and Scrooge’s interests laid elsewhere.

Anyway, every series hits its end, and more often than not it comes much faster than planned. PK ended a whole season sooner than expected, due to the sudden buyout of their studio and the new owners choosing to shut PK down in favour of one of their own shows (couldn’t afford both at the same time, and their own show had a smaller budget). So the series ended on the cliffhanger of PK losing ONE and (Lyla’s character), the Evronians being defeated and PK choosing to hang up his cape because of just how much that final battle cost him. It was an ending that angered many people, extremely upsetting especially knowing that it hadn’t been the planned ending of the series.

The entire cast and crew split up, most still staying in acting but a few leaving. Donald went back to adventuring with Scrooge and Della while Uno went back to Italy with his brothers (Due and Tre, the former of which played a major part in 2-3 episodes) to work in their father��s lab. They ended up falling out of contact (not by their own choice, just due to the nature of their jobs). Then a few years later Della went missing and Donald was left caring for her three children- it was a bit ironic, perhaps.

In the 10-12 years Donald was taking care of them, a “sequel” movie and a spinoff came to be with different actors and stories, but neither were well received because they lacked the “spirit” and charm of the original series. Especially the spinoff, which was animated in a very Saturday-morning style.

The triplets don’t really know about the OG PK, only knowing it by the spinoff, or that their uncle used to be a big name actor. However, 10 or so years later it’s announced that PK is coming back.... with the original writers and actors (except for the kids). Including Donald Fauntleroy Duck, the actor who played the titular PK. They are shook.

The original children who played PK’s nephews were unavailable (”We were like 2 during all that, we really don’t care”) and, besides that, had already aged out of the roles (the comeback was a Ten Years Later kind of deal, and it had been more like 14 or 15 since the end of the show, so the original kids were already mid-late teens. Therefore, when the director discovered Donald was now caring for his three nephews (convenient that there were three) he suggested they play the role of the triplets. Donald left it up to the triplets, under the stipulation that they would have minor roles (as the triplets always did) and this wouldn’t interfere with school.

They actually made a whole new role for Webby in the show! Because the triplets agreed on the condition that Webby gets to join them. And that’s how Webby began to play the triplets’ younger sister. The director decided to take a page out of Donald’s real life and wrote PK’s sister out (this was also partially because the actress had died) so PK was now being a full-time father to his kids who had no idea who he really was.

But then Donald finds out that not only is Lyla there, not only is Angus there... so is Uno. Uno and both of his brothers. It’s quite a reunion. And of course everyone expects Donald’s most emotional reunion to be with Daisy, but no. It’s Uno. And Uno is the one he ends up on the front of a magazine with lol.

Also yeah they get married :3

Man I think I may have overspoke about this one XD But I really enjoy this one what can I say jkkghfdsjlk

Notre Duck!! That’s another one I enjoy though it isn’t as in-depth as the last. So basically Everett came to Earth, and it’s kinda like.... a Duck version of medieval times. He came here for inspiration, then ended up building Uno, who became like a son to him. However, when other flesh-and-blood ducks realized he was an android, they became fearful and called him a monster, and tried to attack and run him out of town.

After that, Everett hid him away in a tower attached to a church, where no one but the church staff would go. He didn’t want to lose his android son. But Uno watches the world below his tower change, dreaming of a day when he could go out there too.

One day he meets Donald, who is a street performer with an association to Scrooge McDuck, a king in a neighboring kingdom. Donald finds out very quickly that he is an android and doesn’t judge him for it, instead encouraging him to leave the tower because “life is about the adventure.” This, of course, does not sit well with Everett, who forbids Uno from leaving the tower or seeing Donald.

Donald is wanted by the lord of the city, who wants to use him against Scrooge (and earn favour with his own king). There’s no creepy old men lusting after young women and no slurs being used casually so.

Also anyway this actually spawned from me imagining Uno to the song Out There so yeah.

#Ask #DT17 AUs #They're all DUno

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wangxiangiftexchange · 3 years

Text

Lunar New Year Gift for vedrividia!

Pairing: Wei Wuxian/Lan Wangji; past Wei Wuxian/Other (implied) Rating: Mature Warnings: brief depiction of sexual harassment, brief instance of misgendering, implied/referenced past suicide attempt, implied/referenced past sexual assault (off-screen), implied/referenced past forced pregnancy (off screen), implied/referenced underage sex & pregnancy (off-screen), alcoholism, coming out, implied/referenced homophobia Other Tags: trans male character, disabled character, gay male character, open ending, unreliable narrator, angst, tender, chance meeting, confession, reunion, character with incomplete spinal cord injury, iSCI, it probably sounds darker than it is

Summary: On the last eve before spring Wei Ying finds himself at the end of a road. What awaits him on the other side depends on the steps he takes to cross it. Someone walks beside him.

Disclaimer: I am neither Chinese, trans nor disabled. All of the portrayal in this fic is based on research. It's not my intent to offend and I'm open to critique as long as it's respectful and constructive. Wei Ying's journey is his own and does not represent all of the disabled or trans community. The fic is set in a world that closely resembles ours, but where corona never happened and maybe China's laws are just a little less restrictive (but still very phobic), so bear that in mind. I do not own any of the characters.

Notes - Beginning: The idea of trans male Wei Ying had been stuck in my head for a while now, and I've been wanting to try my hand at a trans story, because I've never done that before. This assignment was an opening to do that in a darker, more serious setting. I have also wanted to explore Wei Ying's suicidal issues while translating his story into a modern setting for some time (it was supposed to be a coffee shop AU, only the coffee shop never appeared hah). It was simultaneously hard and fun to write, and I'm grateful for it. @vedrividia, I hope you like it!

In the past I didn't feel like I could do a good job at representing anyone of an identity I couldn't quite empathize with. Since then I've surrounded myself with trans inclusive media, and followed transgender blogs and channels, and I hope that this fic does right by all of them.

I am aware of some of the potentially problematic topics, but I also didn't want to ignore all the challenges and abuse and trauma that trans folk are forced to endure on a daily basis. (Did you know that trans people have some of the highest suicide rates, and likely to have alcohol issues? Making everyone happy and nothing hurt felt all kinds of wrong knowing that.) I believe that representing both - an ideal world alongside the real and flawed one - is important.

Positive stories are also important - this is one. Or at least I hope I was able to make it one.

On a more cheerful note, there are pictures that served as an inspiration for this story, namely this photoset (especially the pic in the leather jacket, the one on the couch and the close up) done in faceapp by a genius, this brain-frying picture, and of course this picture from the Harper's Bazaar Photoshoot that none of us are over. I completely blame Xiao Zhan's androgyny.

Last but not least, I owe a massive thanks to Laura for the amazing beta they did on a rather short notice and brought this fic to another level. Thank you for your hard work!!! :)

End notes: Wei Ying has an incomplete spinal cord injury in the lumbar area (at L1 or L2). I didn't realize that I played myself when I gave him an incomplete injury, because the lack of references and information is in terms of quantity a total opposite to everything available on complete SCI. Which in turn made the telling of such a story feel even more important. If any of you know of a good resource for the daily life of people with iSCI, I'm all ears.

Even researching the walking aides was a challenge, since most information is on wheelchair dependent people, which Wei Ying is not. He has a wheelchair but he refuses to use it, for several reasons, one of them being image, another being worry of atrophy. He likes a good walk, and there's progress thanks to physical therapy, most of which is covered by insurance. I was debating an exoskeleton/brace for him, but from what I gathered they aren't really useful for SCI (I welcome any additional info about this), and those that would be cost a ton and aren't covered by insurance - which is a big factor for Wei Ying. The toss ended up being between forearm crutches and a walking frame, but in the end I decided on crutches, because it seemed like Wei Ying would prefer them? For now? With crutches he can pretend, and I also didn't know to what extent a walking frame would be insurance covered (in China), and whether he'd be at a point where he would accept one. (I imagine the simple ones would be covered by insurance, the question is whether they make a huge difference to crutches, and whether a rollator - with wheels and a seat is something that would count as 'necessary' in this case.)

However, once again, I am not adequately educated on all that goes into the decision making here. No one ever mentions things like these in success stories. In the end I left it as a room for future development. I'm pretty sure Wen Qing is trying to convince him to get one.

I was debating whether to tag dysphoria. While it is not explicitly stated in the fic, Wei Ying does experience it, although this has gotten better since he realized being trans, came out and started testosterone. His decision to not transition fully is one that many trans people make at a point in their lives, for any number of reasons. This does not mean he'll never change his mind, or won't explore other forms of expression. It's a choice that the current Wei Ying is making, completely independent of future Wei Ying.

It's possible in China to get a gender confirmation surgery, but the requirements sound like a nightmare. The first thing you have to do is get diagnosed with 'gender disorder', be five years in (unsuccessful) therapy for it, at least 20 and unmarried. If he decides to transition fully to a male presenting body he can only marry someone who is biologically female in the future, under Chinese law. (Imagine having to divorce your significant other in order to be who you are. Imagine having to make this decision. It makes me want to write fic about it.)

It also costs a ton, as none of it is covered by insurance. You can only start hormone therapy in order to get surgery, which leads a lot of trans people to acquire hormones illegally and without medical counseling. I purposefully did not decide where Wei Ying gets his T from. I didn't want him to not have it, but I left the how undecided. For the most part I headcanon it as one of the things that make my world a little different, since hormone therapy is a thing that exists outside of transitioning as well. E.g. many female athletes use testosterone to boost their performance, and many other women take it for various medical reasons. I feel like WWX could find ways to acquire some. Now, whether this would be legal or not is left open.

By the way? Never, EVER deadname. Just don't. The moment someone comes out to you as trans, tells you their pronouns and name, that's what you use. You forget everything that came prior to that, wipe it out of your memory, it's ashes on the sands of time unless stated otherwise BY THEM, got it?

Now, Wei Ying's case. I was hesitant about how to approach this, but from the start I knew two things. I wanted the same kind of intimacy of WWX & LWJ calling each other by their birth names as in canon, but I also didn't want to go the way most authors go in this case i.e. splitting the names to pre- and post- transition. It is my understanding that most Chinese names are unisex (if anyone has more info on this, I'd love to have it), or can be used for all genders, and I didn't want to force a gender issue where there wasn't one. However, I also wanted something parallel that could be used in a similar way. What I came up with is what you see in text. While Wei Ying did change his name, the only reason why it's still somewhat okay to use 'Wuxian' is because he explicitly says he likes it. In fact, in my head somewhere in the imagined future of this verse, he and JFM have a conversation about it where JFM tells him if he wants it, it can still be his name - he didn't give it to an image, but a person. IDK how well any of this works, or translates to actual trans or Chinese (or trans and Chinese) people, so if you have words for me, let me know.

On a side note, in 2015 China lifted the one-child policy in favor of a two-child policy. A-Yuan was born in 2017.

Wei Ying attempted suicide between the 4th and 8th week of his pregnancy. During the early weeks the probability of a fetus surviving a major fall (even a fall from stairs) is significantly higher than later in the pregnancy, and the scaffolding he jumped from wasn't actually that high. I'm also considering that there might have been something to cushion the fall that he hadn't noticed (a stray rope, or a net) or been aware of (like padding on the stage), but that's a detail I decided to leave to your imagination. On the other hand, sustaining a SCI during early pregnancy is likely to have fatal consequences, as I found out a week before the deadline. In the end, they both got very lucky. Wei Ying spent the next 3 months in a coma. When he woke up it was too late to terminate. Jiang Fengmian had been adamant that the decision not be made without Wei Ying's consent, which was nice of him, but also ended up making the decision for Wei Ying regardless.

Last but not least, if you've read this and feel like you have something to add, I love any kind of comments, whether you wanna review the fic, have some useful information for me, would like to discuss a point or just like to say hi! :)

*****

Transverse

If asked, Wei Ying wouldn't have remembered how he had gotten to the bar. He didn't remember taking a different route on the short walk back home, he hadn't even been aware there was a bar in the first place. He only remembered suddenly standing in front of it, aching to his bones, limbs leaden with a familiar exhaustion, morose and longing for nothing more than a little break. His back was on fire, his leg was throbbing, the skin underneath his binder wouldn’t stop itching and to top it off his stomach had been cramping in a way it wasn't supposed to anymore. His body had decided to give him a wonderful gift for the holiday. Wei Ying wouldn't wish this on his worst enemy, and that spoke volumes to anyone who knew who occupied that position.

Needless to say, he was desperate for a drink.

The bar was almost empty so early in the afternoon, and shortly before the holiday, all the regulars had likely gone home to see their families. It was the time of reunions, the golden week of spring knocking on the door. The whole town looked empty, seemingly asleep and abuzz at the same time, a strange kind of liminal space born in the atmosphere of the coming celebrations, quiet with contained impatience. He had been painfully aware of it the entire week, the turning of another year leaving him nothing to do but watch people go where Wei Ying couldn't return anymore.

The Lunar New Year always made him hurt worse than usual, in more ways than purely physical. Wei Ying had felt that strange air peak today, even in the confines of his tiny office at the back of the Pacific Coffee branch he had been working at for a little over two months. It was a tiny thing on the busiest street of their small town, smelling of comfort in the wee hours of the morning and of salvation late in the evening. The staff had needed support with handling the supply chain, so that they could focus on serving the staggering amount of customers that came in all day.

It had seemed perfect when Wei Ying had first limped inside on his forearm crutches, with a letter of recommendation, feeling smaller than an ant but significantly less tough. The reintegration program had been a lifeline thrown to a drowning man when he had first heard about it. It had been the opportunity to restart his life. Earn an income. Be independent. In time maybe even repay his friends for the kindness they had shown when he had nowhere to go. Now? Now he wasn't sure that he'd still have a job after the holiday was over.

"This really can't go on," his boss had said, midway through the most gruesome shift the shop had ever witnessed. "Half the supplies came in wrong, for the third time this week!"

Sometimes, Wei Ying wondered why he still bothered. He could probably survive on aid and love for himself, and the Wens made enough to take care of the rest. It just… It could have been nice. To be the one to take care of the people he cared about, for a change.

He really needed that drink.

The whiskey looked enticing from where he was half-sitting, half-leaning on a stool, crutches stashed between his legs. He could almost taste it, the phantom of the sharp flavor burning his tongue.

"Hi, darling." An unfamiliar voice startled him out of his thoughts, causing him to tense. He had been aware of the middle-aged man at the counter, but he hadn't been paying him much attention until now. "Can I buy you a drink? How about Sex on the Beach?"

It was difficult to control himself at that tasteless, juvenile joke. Wei Ying could almost taste the bile rising in his throat and the beginnings of what would no doubt become a pounding headache throbbing in his temples. Great. Just what he had needed.

The whiskey bottle called out to him again, beckoning him to the bitter burn.

A drink. That was what he needed - a drink.

Do you really? Need it? The voice of his therapist came to his mind, sudden and uninvited.

"Hey bartender!" The man called out in the most unwelcome case of accidental telepathy in the history of mankind, sneaking one arm around Wei Ying’s waist, a sweaty hand settling on his hip. "One Sex on the Beach for the miss, on my tab!"

There was the rising bile again, tension squeezing his muscles, and the flash of a haughty smirk at the furthest back of his mind. This wasn't what he wanted. None of it. Neither the touch nor the drink, no matter what his mind wanted to convince him of.

It's easier to need than the things that take hard work, the ones you have to earn. It had taken him a long time to admit that.

"I don't drink." Wei Ying said, angling his head as much as the muscles of his neck permitted to look at the guy invading his personal space squarely. "Remove your hand now."

The guy bristled.

"Hey, chill out, sweetheart." He was quick to regain his composure with an awkward laugh and not enough common sense. Wei Ying supposed he must have been used to rejection. Too bad. "You're so tense… Maybe a virgin cocktail then."

His crutch shot up before the full sentence was out.

The man stumbled back with a startled yelp as the rubber point connected with his chest in a sharp jab.

"Hey! What's your problem?!"

"I said I don't drink." Wei Ying was completely unapologetic, still holding his crutch like a sword, but the guy was already walking away, muttering ‘fucking bitch’ under his breath.

"You alright there, girl?"

His gut clenched at the words.

He looked up to meet the only slightly worried, but otherwise unbothered gaze of the bartender and told himself it wasn't her fault. She probably wasn't even aware. He knew he didn't… There was no way for him to pass. There was nothing he could do about that, had already decided not to, not at this time, not in this country. Wei Ying didn't expect people to know on sight. He didn't. It didn't change the fact though that every single misnomer felt like someone was peeling his skin off.

"I'm not a girl," he said to her almost too quietly, but he knew she heard when he met her gaze. A strained silence passed between them in which Wei Ying watched her frown in confusion, then sputter with the loss of words, before awkwardly shuffling off. He smiled wryly. How funny. It really wasn't anything complicated, and yet… So few were able to comprehend.

Wordlessly, Wei Ying slid off the stool and made his way out of the bar as quick as his crutches let him be.

Once outside, the crisp air mercilessly purifying, he realized how close to the edge he had gotten once again. He had to stop doing this. He couldn't afford another fall, another spiral back down the drain. Not when he had just clawed his way out. Not when he had people depending on him now. Tiny people with curious gray eyes, so much like his own. Waiting for him at home.

Something icy touched his face and instinctively he looked up only to find it snowing.

That explained the ache.

The cold always made him feel sore, although he knew at least some of it was phantom pain. He hadn’t retained a whole lot of feeling in his left leg, beyond a tingle that had become almost constant and the occasional twitch. His right leg was fine, it just tended to ache a lot, to a point where Wei Ying sometimes found himself wishing it wasn't better off than the other one. But then he wouldn't get away with 'forgetting' his wheelchair at home, so he quickly dismissed that thought. Besides, there were plenty of people who had it worse. He, at least, could still walk. He could still stand. Kinda. He had no room to complain.

After all, he had done this to himself.

'It's better this way.' He remembered thinking, standing on the top of the catwalk stairs backstage of the high school auditorium. 'A-jie, Jiang Cheng,… Lan Zhan. I'm sorry for the trouble I've caused you. I love you. I'll get out of your hair now.'

In the end it had been easy to tip backwards and let himself fall.

Waking up had been the hard part. Not only had he failed, but every reason that had pushed him to end it all had only been made worse. Worse still, after. He had lived though, so that was that. There was no utility in regret. He couldn't go back. The only way was forward now, step by painful step. Standing around and staring at the snow falling was nice, but it wouldn't make the walk shorter. Home wasn't far away. He'd take it slow. He'd be there before he knew it.

He barely took three steps before he felt someone's broad shoulder bump against his, his equilibrium yanked roughly from under his feet.

He remembered falling.

Not the act of it, nor every thought and feeling that preceded it, but he remembered the soft pressure at his skull as he tipped backwards, the endless instant of the free fall, a moment frozen in time. Not the impact, but the inevitability of it, coming, coming, almost there. The loss of control. The frightening, exhilarating realization of his absolute surrender. Not the oblivion that followed but the fragments of muddled awareness afterwards. Disorientation, rock bottom and the overwhelming sense of failure.

It had felt nothing like now.

He felt the loss of ground beneath his feet, the scrape of concrete against his palms, as he all but starfished onto the pavement. A sharp pain. The frustrated annoyance of another thing gone wrong in the long list that made up the day.

Only the failure felt the same, funny that.

"I'm sorry!" Said a deep voice. "I wasn't looking."

"Yeah, no shit." He chuckled, because really, who could have guessed.

"Here, let me help." There were hands on his arm, just as he propped himself up, but he yanked it away.

"I'm fine!" He wasn't helpless. He wasn't, dammit! He had his arms, his abdominals, and most of his legs. Getting up from the ground wasn't such a herculean task for him as for those who depended on a wheelchair. He didn't have to call an ambulance just because he starfished. He didn't need any help at all here, especially not the help of some ditzy stranger with their head in the clouds…

"Wei Ying?"

Wei Ying froze.

Few people on this Earth called him that, and none of them had a voice like that. He looked up to see glowing amber on a face carved out of a dream.

"Lan Zhan?"

Of all the people to be in town today of all days, the least likely would have to be Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan, his former senior, Lan Zhan, his best friend. Lan Zhan, whom he had told his secrets, Lan Zhan, who he… who he…

"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan… Can I kiss you? I understand you don't like me that way, and it's fine, I'm fine, really, but… uhm… It's supposed to be special. The first kiss. I… I want it to be yours. Just one kiss." A child he barely remembered had wanted and wanted, never satisfied. "Ah, it's okay if you don't want to. I get it. It's fine. I'm just being selfish."

But that had been a long time ago. A person he didn't know, a past life that had never truly been. Not for him in any case.

Lan Zhan was looking at him like a ghost had appeared in front of him.

Although, ghosts didn't need crutches. Honestly, Wei Ying did wish he could float quite frequently.

Face twisted in sardonic amusement at that childish wish, he pulled himself up with some maneuvering and a lot of effort. This seemed to wake Lan Zhan from his daze as he quickly followed. Wei Ying didn't miss the sweeping gaze as his once friend took him in, wondering what he saw. A stranger, perhaps? A new person? Him? Wei Ying knew he hadn't changed much on the outside, aside the obvious and maybe in his weight distribution, but Lan Zhan had always had the ability to look past the surface. Was he still able to do that? Or was he just taking in his appearance, assessing his matted, worn out body that seemed to show every year that had passed multiplied by ten? Wei Ying was aware that time had not been the kindest to him, but he was hanging on. He was past the worst now. He was doing better. He was!

He wondered if Lan Zhan still could see that too.

"Wei Ying." His name again, spoken with enough wonder to give Wei Ying the courage to meet his gaze. There was an unspoken question in it.

"Yeah," Wei Ying answered and felt the cusp of a smile pull at the corners of his lips. "Long time no see, Lan Zhan. Fancy meeting you here."

"I really like you, Lan Zhan," the person he didn't know had said, red faced with embarrassment and a shaking voice. "I mean like… like like."

Back then he had believed that moment to be the most nerve-wracking experience he was ever going to survive. Today he missed his naivety.

Lan Zhan gave him a look like he just realized it was really Wei Ying standing in front of him. Like he still could barely believe it. It unraveled a completely different ache in Wei Ying. They had been close once, and though they had always shared their secrets, Wei Ying had seen him so open and unguarded but once.

"I...like...boys," had been the answer. The refusal so, so gentle, unable to accept, thus giving something of equal value in return instead. A truth for a truth, a secret for a secret. "Wei Ying, I'm gay."

Lan Zhan, always figuring things out so quickly, always willing to accept reality no matter how hard it was. Wei Ying hadn't known back then. If he had known… Who knew what would have been then. It didn't matter anymore. It was a life long gone. What remained of it were a few good memories, some of them he wasn't sure were real.

Now, chance had made them cross paths once again, at a liminal space transversing through time.

"Are you hurt?" Lan Zhan's voice brought him back from his thoughts, and Wei Ying looked where he was reaching for his scraped hands and knees.

Lan Zhan, always the same Lan Zhan… "Not selfish."

So wonderful and kind and warm.

"Eh, I'm fine. Nothing Wen Qing can't fix." He brushed his former friend off, noticing how Lan Zhan's eyebrow seemed to go up infinitesimally at the mention of his old classmate and promptly changed the subject. "What brings you to Yiling, Lan Zhan? Shouldn't you be with your family for Chun Jie?"

"I…" Lan Zhan looked away. "Didn't get an earlier flight."

That sounded suspicious, especially since the Lan Zhan Wei Ying knew liked to plan ahead. But Wei Ying wasn't the same he had been, maybe Lan Zhan wasn't either. People were allowed to change. It also didn't answer what he was doing in Yiling in the first place, but Wei Ying wasn't forcing him to tell. Wei Ying had never wanted to force Lan Zhan into anything, he wasn't going to start now.

"Wei Ying." Lan Zhan looked at him again, this time meeting his eyes squarely. He paused. "How have you been?"

Wei Ying felt the loom of a shadow over him, and his gaze dropped to the ground for a second.

"As you can see." He put a reassuring smile on his face as he summoned enough will to hold Lan Zhan's gaze. "Still alive and kicking."

Which was probably much more than the last time Lan Zhan had heard of him.

"I was looking for you. I wanted to see you. After." The what remained unspoken. Lan Zhan's kind heart hadn't changed. Wei Ying sought comfort in it, warmed by the thought of his best friend trying to get in touch even after everything went to hell. "I was told you… left."

Wei Ying made a soft sound of affirmation through the small smile that had spread on his face. "I moved out on my eighteenth birthday. Aunt Yu… I was supposed to stay till graduation, but... ah. I fucked up. Colossally."

"Wei Ying." Lan Zhan remained the only person Wei Ying knew who managed to frown without a single crease on his face. "You were recovering."

"It was fine, Lan Zhan." Wei Ying chuckled even as he held back a sigh. Lan Zhan didn't know half of it. "I moved in with the Wens."

There was a pause.

"With Wen Qing?" Lan Zhan asked and Wei Ying realized that small detail wouldn't have been immediately clear to him, all things considered.

"With Wen Qing and her family." He nodded. After a moment of thought he added. "Not Wen Chao. I know nothing about that douchebag."

"Mn," Lan Zhan agreed and it sounded so wholehearted that it startled a laugh out of Wei Ying.

"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan," Wei Ying said, feeling truly light for the first time in a long time. The smile he gave Lan Zhan felt warm and genuine. He hoped Lan Zhan saw it too, and didn't think Wei Ying was trying to shake him off, when he spoke next. "It's so good to see you. You're the best thing that happened to me today. I would love to catch up, but they're waiting for me at home and I'm already late."

"Mn." Lan Zhan nodded. There was a pause. Then, just as Wei Ying was about to ask for his number, "I could. Walk you. If you like."

"I thought you had a flight to catch." Wei Ying wanted to smack his mouth for how hopeful he sounded.

"Mn," Lan Zhan said. "In the evening."

"Lan Zhan!" He startled, amused and surprised at the same time. "And here I thought your bedtime was nine! Don't tell me you crossed to the dark side."

"It is Chuxi." Lan Zhan's voice was soft with a playful note, and Wei Ying felt his heart turn all over again even as he laughed.

"Aiya, Lan Zhan…" A smile spread on his face. "Alright then. I'd love to have your company. If you're sure."

"I am," Lan Zhan answered. "I would… very much like to… catch up with you."

"Well then." Wei Ying's smile broadened and started again in the direction he was heading earlier. "Right this way, sir. But I'm warning you. I'm basically a snail now."

For a beat there was silence, in which Wei Ying figured that Lan Zhan was probably looking for a proper response. He still didn't know how to handle self-deprecating humor, then. Wei Ying chuckled quietly to himself. The more things change…

"That is alright," Lan Zhan finally said. "I have time."

"Oh, do you? That's great!" Wei Ying grinned from ear to ear, marveling at how easy it suddenly was. "Aah, Lan Zhan I really missed this!"

"Mn," Lan Zhan agreed but didn't say anything else.

For a few moments silence reigned again, of a comfortable kind. One that allowed Wei Ying to bask in the startling, almost miraculous presence of his best friend. Or it would have been, had Wei Ying not been keenly aware of Lan Zhan's intense stare.

"Do I really look that bad?" He teased, hoping to give Lan Zhan the opening he probably needed to ask whatever questions he had. "I've actually gained weight over Dongzhi you know."

Lan Zhan blinked, as if startled to be called out. Wasn't he aware that he had been staring? Or had he not expected Wei Ying to say something?

"You look…" he started, then swept his gaze over Wei Ying.

"Tired?" Wei Ying offered, keeping the humor in his words. The last thing he wanted Lan Zhan to think was that he needed to sugar coat his words around him now. "Stressed? Battle worn?"

"Different," Lan Zhan finished.

"Ah." Wei Ying breathed out, something in his chest tightening. "Good different, or bad different?"

Lan Zhan looked at him for a long moment.

"Different you," he finally answered. A pause. "More you."

Wei Ying's breath stuttered, a small questioning sound dragging itself up his throat.

"Wei Ying…" Lan Zhan hesitated for a brief moment, unsure. "May I know your pronouns?"

Always so straight to the point.

"Pro… Pronouns?!" Wei Ying chuckled but even he could hear the nerves buzzing through that sound. "How did you figure that?"

Lan Zhan just kept looking at him. Wei Ying swallowed.

"I…"

He had to know. Since he actually asked, he had to already know. Or at least suspect. Be aware. In general, or about Wei Ying? Had he realized in their years apart, or was there something about Wei Ying now that made him guess? No one has ever been able to tell upon glance. No one.

Something fluttered deep in his chest, like the jingles of a tambourine reverberating. It gave him courage.

Wei Ying took a deep, steadying breath. "He, him, Lan Zhan. It's he, him."

He managed to swallow the thousand words that dragged themselves up his throat instead of that one, simple truth. To his credit, Lan Zhan let him, waiting patiently and with complete silence for Wei Ying to say his part.

"I'm trans," Wei Ying added, finding it easier to say after the initial confession. "As in full time, on actual testosterone, trans male."

Their eyes met. A heartbeat of silence.

"Mn." Lan Zhan nodded. "Makes sense."

Wei Ying had not expected that.

In his defense, no one had ever replied like that to him coming out.

"What?" He choked out, bewildered. Lan Zhan was giving him a gentle look, a diametrical opposite of Wei Ying's wide eyes. "Why does that make sense, Lan Zhan?"

"It didn't before." Lan Zhan's gaze dropped. "Now it does."

"What? Why?" Wei Ying repeated, not comprehending a single word his friend had said. At the back of his mind he knew he should be happy and relieved that as dear a friend as Lan Zhan accepted him, and he would be later, but now he was just confused. "Lan Zhan, what are you saying?"

"You confounded me. Before. I didn't understand. It didn't. Add up." He didn't even expect an answer beyond a shrug and an 'It just does', and yet Lan Zhan gave him one, trying to explain like he wanted Wei Ying to understand something important. Important enough to bring it up at their first chance meeting in years. It still didn't clear anything up. The way he was dragging his words out seemed odd too, for how upfront Lan Zhan usually was.

"What didn't add up?" Wei Ying asked again. What about him had confused Lan Zhan?

"I didn't know you were a boy. So it didn't make sense," Lan Zhan answered without looking up and Wei Ying felt dread tighten his stomach into a knot. "But now it does."

"What?" He frowned, the rush of blood pounding in his ears. "Lan Zhan, what are you talking about?"

Lan Zhan finally looked up at him and Wei Ying suddenly felt light headed. The grip on his crutches must have gone knuckle white from how firmly he was gripping the handles. It couldn't be…

"I was confused why I liked you," Lan Zhan whispered, dropping his gaze again. "Why I enjoyed kissing you."

Wei Ying's brain was white static.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, "No!"

His whole body wanted to recoil with shock.

"Wei Ying," Lan Zhan pleaded but was cut short.

"I confessed to you! I told you I liked you!" He saw the bob of Lan Zhan's throat, how his eyes fell shut as he swallowed. Wei Ying despaired for words that could express the entire scale of emotions he felt, from betrayal to hope, but mostly just... shock. "You said you… You've never… And now, after everything… Do you even… Lan Zhan!!!"

"Wei Ying," he said his name like it was all he was capable of saying, with a hitch of sudden hesitance on the last syllable, a minuscule frown around his eyes, like he realized something important. "Do you still call yourself Wei Ying?"

The quiet question conjured up another memory, of an occasion much kinder.

"It's my birth name," he heard his youthful voice, still too high although most had described it as low. Lan Zhan had raised an eyebrow at him, even more puzzled than before. Wei Ying had laughed as he went to explain. "Same character as in 'infant'. Wuxian is the name uncle Jiang gave me so that I have a better name than, you know, 'baby'. It's a cool name! I mean, 'no envy' come on! Like I have no match in the world! Totally rad, you know, uncle Jiang's naming sense is A+."

"But you prefer Wei Ying." Lan Zhan had looked at him then, searchingly and Wei Ying had looked away with a snort, to hide his swallow.

"It's a terrible name. Who the hell names their baby 'baby'?"

Lan Zhan hadn't replied anything to that, and Wei Ying still remembered his next words, and how they had burned on his tongue, how he couldn't hold them back.

"It's what the people who loved me had called me."

In the present, Wei Ying found himself laughing in spite of the utter shock. Only Lan Zhan. Only Lan Zhan would give him a heart attack first then go make sure he wasn't deadnaming him on top of everything.

"Lan Zhan!!!" He cried out. "That's so not the point right now! But, yes, I do. I changed it back, actually. Officially, I mean."

"You dislike it." It sounded more like a question than a statement, so Wei Ying answered.

"Don't get me wrong, I still think Wuxian is way cooler, and my siblings still call me that, but…" His gaze fell away from Lan Zhan to something more distant, beyond his focus as he struggled over his words, drawing them out only with great difficulty from where they were rooted deep inside of him. "It's the name given to the image of a person that never really existed. Like… the painting of a person you met in a dream. And I sorta… I like to imagine that, regardless of who I am… They would still love me."

They. The people who gave him that horrible, unimaginative name.

"Mn," Lan Zhan agreed like there had never been any doubt about it. Wei Ying snorted.

"Wei Ying," there it was again, his name, spoken so kindly, if not hesitantly as Lan Zhan too seemed to be struggling for words. "I would like to apologize. I hurt you. I have been looking for you to tell you this."

All at once, Wei Ying felt his shock settle into something more profound, like the wave that had swallowed him revealing the depth of the ocean. There was nothing Lan Zhan had to apologize for. Not for the lack of awareness, and certainly not for his feelings. Even their conflicts had always stemmed from a place of deep care.

"No." Wei Ying shook his head. "Not more than I hurt myself, Lan Zhan. Even when you scolded me, you never hurt me."

Had Lan Zhan broken his heart? Yeah, he had. So what? Did that mean he could be held accountable for it? Wei Ying's feelings were his own shit to deal with, not Lan Zhan's. Returning them wasn't Lan Zhan's duty. Even if he returned them, would it be fair to fault him for running away from them? For feeling insecure and anxious about his own attraction? For not knowing these things weren't as clear cut as all the adults around them had wanted to make them believe? It wasn't like Wei Ying had known either back then. He had, perhaps, understood himself even less than Lan Zhan. Most importantly, it was all in the past now. It couldn't be changed. What they made of it now was what mattered.

"None of my bullshit is your fault," he added. "You didn't go and tell me to fuck up my life. That was all on me."

"You wrote," Lan Zhan started, then paused, hesitating, then started again. "In your letter, you wrote…"

Wei Ying picked up on the question immediately.

"Not you," he said, the same words he had penned all those years ago in what was one of only two letters. "Never you. I had my reasons, but none of them were about you. In fact, I thought of you as the last good thing in my life at that point. The one true friend I still had left."

Lan Zhan's gaze fell on his crutches, but he didn't ask. Wei Ying was grateful.

"Come on, I need to get a move on," he said, starting to walk again, smiling at the surprised expression Lan Zhan had given him, when he realized he was still welcome to accompany him. Maybe it was something about that look that made Wei Ying add, after another second of thought, "There are people waiting for my return."

"Mn," Lan Zhan hummed, falling back in step next to him. "That's good. You should have people waiting for you at home."

Wei Ying couldn't help but smile.

"Say, Lan Zhan,…" he said after a few seconds of silence, when all what Lan Zhan has confessed slowly sunk in. "When you say you've been looking for me… You mean all this time?"

"Mn." Lan Zhan nodded. Wei Ying watched him gather his thoughts, the snow fluttering all around them. "I wanted to see you. Ask how you were doing. See if… If you needed support. Apologize. For not being a good friend to you before."

"Lan Zhan…" Wei Ying listened to him, and when Lan Zhan finally looked up at him his gaze was so sincere that his heart ached with it.

"I wanted to tell you the truth." Lan Zhan didn't let himself be interrupted. "That I liked you back. Without any expectations. That I didn't understand, but that it didn't matter. That I could like you without understanding why. That I wasn't asking for anything, just wanted you to know. That I wanted to help, in any way you'd let me."

"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan…" Wei Ying sighed, vision suddenly blurred. He drew a deep breath. "But I wasn't there."

"Mn." Lan Zhan nodded. "I asked your sister where I could find you…"

"But she didn't know," Wei Ying finished for him. No one knew, except one person. "And Jiang Cheng wouldn't give you my address if you held him at gunpoint."

"Your brother knows you're here." It had the structure of a question but it was spoken as a statement, the same kind of incredulous as the look Lan Zhan was giving him. All things considered, it was kinda fair, Wei Wuxian thought as he barked a laugh.

"Yeah," he said, shoulders shaking a little as he snickered. "He's the designated secret keeper."

Lan Zhan just stared, wordlessly.

Wei Ying's smile gained an edge at the unspoken question. He had to clear his throat before he answered. "We're… not quite alright yet, but… Ah, how do I say this? He's the better judge of the situation? With, uhm, aunt Yu, I mean. It's… complicated."

Honestly, when wasn't it?

"I… see." Lan Zhan really didn't sound like he did, but didn't press, continuing his story instead. "Your sister was able to tell me which city you were in. So I… applied for a job."

Wait. Pause. Rewind.

"You work here?!" Wei Ying felt his jaw go slack.

"As an attorney. At 'Xiao and Song'," Lan Zhan confirmed, then looked back at Wei Ying. "Civil law. With focus on LGBTQ+ rights. I passed the bar last year."

"You…" There was so much to unpack in that statement that Wei Ying couldn't quite get the words together fast enough. At the back of his mind he was aware he should probably congratulate Lan Zhan on his degree but he was too stunned by the other, more important implications. "You've moved here? For work? All because… Because… You were looking for me?"

"Mn."

"Lan Zhan!" His amazing friend who, for some reason, in spite of having a great new life had been desperate to find him. "But you… But I…"

"Wei Ying," he spoke so, so softly, but with clear intent to stop any protest Wei Ying might have wanted to utter. It worked. Wei Ying's mouth fell shut, taking his friend in with a bright, wide gaze. "I missed you. I have no expectations. I just… missed you."

Warmth spread in Wei Ying's chest over the tender words, like a dying flame rekindled.

"Lan Zhan..." He didn't quite know what to say, oddly touched. "It's how you knew, isn't it? I'm not the only trans person you've met."

"There was a client," Lan Zhan admitted. "They made me think of you. I have wanted to ask you since. I wanted to know if… If I made a mistake."

He didn't specify what mistake he feared being guilty of. He didn't really have to.

For a while Wei Ying just looked at him.

"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan…" He sighed, a small but genuine smile stealing itself onto his lips. "You… you're something else, you know that?"

Lan Zhan didn't reply, but there was something vulnerable in his expression.

"I missed you too."

Lan Zhan's eyes snapped back to Wei Ying's face, full of naked hope and a surprise so honest and pure that Wei Ying's heartstrings almost snapped. He could accept it. He could accept a friend longing for his company, even as his heart hammered against his chest like it was trying to escape its utter desolation.

"I couldn't have expected you to know something I didn't realize until much later." He hadn't realized there was tension around his friend's eyes until it relaxed.

Wei Ying took him in, his entire appearance and noted that although perfectly poised and immaculately dressed, beneath it all there was an exhaustion, a tension he didn't recognize. He thought about their meeting – the collision of two bodies launched out of their orbit – and everything else Lan Zhan had told him and a question dragged itself on his tongue that refused to be swallowed back in.

"Say, Lan Zhan… Since we are being so honest..." He asked before he could have thought better of it. "Why aren't you in Suzhou yet, for real? You always went home at least two weeks ahead of the festival. Did something happen?"

If there was something happening with Lan Zhan's family… Well, Wei Ying had missed enough opportunities to be a good friend in all the years they had been apart, or even before that. If Lan Zhan wanted to be his friend, Wei Ying was returning that tenfold. A secret for a secret, a truth for a truth.

If Lan Zhan wanted, that was.

For a second Wei Ying wasn't sure, but then the broad shoulders slumped, heaving like a weight was being lifted off them.

"I didn't always intend to go," Lan Zhan admitted. "Brother convinced me at the last moment. I wish he hadn't."

Their eyes met and Wei Ying felt a sudden heat spread through his cheeks at the intensity of Lan Zhan's gaze. He didn't take the bait, waiting patiently instead.

"I came out to my uncle. After the bar." Lan Zhan's gaze fell to the ground again, and Wei Ying already knew what he was about to say, aching dread settling painfully in his chest. "He did not… react well. He tried to set me up immediately afterwards."

"Aw man..." Wei Ying tried to sound both gentle and sympathetic without being too pitying. In his experience that never helped. "Yeah, I get that you didn't want to go home after that."

"Mn." Lan Zhan nodded, but said no more.

"Was she at least pretty?" Wei Ying tried to joke, unable to bear that forlorn expression on Lan Zhan's face and incapable of thinking of anything better to cheer his friend up. It would have been easy in the past, but now, with years containing entire lifetimes between them he didn't know anymore how to make Lan Zhan laugh.

But then Lan Zhan's lips twitched a little, so maybe not all was lost.

"Luo Qingyang," he answered, like Wei Ying was supposed to know the vaguely familiar name. Lan Zhan responded to his confused frown with his own and went on to explain. "You were in the drama club together. She was… Juliet. To your Romeo."

Very few guys had been in the drama club at that time, so Wei Ying had usually gotten the main male protagonist. He had loved it. It had been one of the reasons why he had joined the drama club in the first place. His co-star in all of that...

"Mianmian!" He exclaimed, eyes bright with delight. "It's been ages since I've last…"...Seen her. Seen anyone, he didn't say, schooled his expression and laughed instead. "I can't believe they tried to set you up with Mianmian! How is she?"

"Mn," Lan Zhan made a small sound out agreement that amused Wei Ying, before he answered. "She is well. Studying. Also law. She will take the bar next year."

"All of you are so smart…" Wei Ying chuckled, fond with more memories. "You know I made out with her once?" He promptly laughed at Lan Zhan's expression. "Relax, it wasn't as good as with you."

Their eyes met again and Wei Ying saw something like hope spark in Lan Zhan's eyes, which…

Wei Ying stopped. He let his gaze wander around, collecting his thoughts. He startled as he realized he was almost home, the agonizing minutes he usually needed reduced to nothing in the presence of his friend. The ache that had gnawed at his limbs earlier had all but disappeared, replaced by a longing ache in his heart.

"Lan Zhan," he found himself speaking without the input of his mind. "You said you liked me, so you should know… I don't intend to have surgery." He saw Lan Zhan open his mouth, probably to assure him once more of his pure intentions, which Wei Ying didn't need to hear. "I know, I know, you have no expectations, and I'm not saying we have to, but… My feelings for you never changed. I still like you, but I'm also… I'm a man Lan Zhan, but I'm not adjusting my body. Not to that degree."

"Is it a financial issue?" Lan Zhan asked after a pause and Wei Ying cut him off before he could continue with something ridiculous like an offer to pay.

"It's… not not about money, but…" He thought for a moment about how to say what he wanted to say. "Regardless of that, I refuse to go through all the legal hoops that this government would demand of me, like I'm supposed to beg them just to be who I am. And... Besides that…" He took a deep breath. "I think I'd like to have another child."

"Another…" There was a strangled sound, which he ignored, forcing himself to voice what he'd been struggling to put into words for a while now.

"I want to give it one more try. Voluntarily," Wei Ying found it difficult to say, despite the thought of a baby in his arms filling him with a warmth he wouldn't have expected mere years ago. "With someone I actually like this time."

"This time." There was something very wrong with the tone of Lan Zhan's voice, and as Wei Ying looked up at him, realization hit him with the force of a freight train.

"Oh! Oh no!" Lan Zhan's eyes were akin to saucers, and Wei Ying vaguely thought he had never seen his friend express shock so openly. "Fuck, I'm so dumb! Of course you don't know! How would you know?!"

Of course that very same moment, before Lan Zhan had any chance of collecting himself, a cheerful shout echoed through the street in an all too familiar, youthful voice. "BABA!!!"

Wei Ying winced. In the way life usually was – his life in particular – before Wei Ying could come up with a single word of explanation, there was the flurry of movement, and a warmth enveloping his leg – the better one.

"Baba, baba, you're home!"

Wei Ying's eyes fell down to the source of the excited noise to have two mischievous gray eyes reflected back at him. An unbidden smile spread on his face.

"A-Yuan!" He shifted around a little until he could safely run his fingers through the child's hair, even as he was keenly aware of the man next to him. "Have you been waiting for me?"

There was a twinkle and a nod, his very own baby's face beaming up at him with unabashed adoration. A tiny hand wrapped itself around his wrist and just like that the last of the day's stress fell away. He looked back at Lan Zhan. It was difficult to describe the expression his friend was giving him, frozen with disbelief, shock and something too close to horror, as his mind seemed to be rearranging and reevaluating every piece of information known to him. Finding no point in delaying the inevitable, Wei Ying braced himself and went for it.

"Lan Zhan, this is a-Yuan. He's mine. Gave birth to him and all." He made a point to smile, although Lan Zhan's expression remained unchanged. Deciding to give him the space he needed to get himself together, Wei Ying turned his attention back to his child. "A-Yuan, this is Lan Zhan. He's an old friend of mine from school. Want to introduce yourself?"

"Hello!" A-Yuan said before Wei Ying even finished the sentence. "I'm a-Yuan and I'm already four years old! I like butterflies and bunnies! Baba gave me Radish and a coloring book for my birthday. I was four last month! I love my baba bestest! But I love xiao-shushu und Qing-guma and granny and uncle Shi lotsa too!"

It was an altogether perfect introduction, and Wei Ying felt pride and love thrumming through his heart with a strength he hadn't believed to be possible. He watched the mental math behind Lan Zhan's eyes, a complicated expression spreading on his friend's face. He decided to give him another moment to complete the mental calculations and focused on something else that a-Yuan had reminded him of.

"Speaking of, where's your xiao-shushu?" Wei Ying looked around, then with growing suspicion back at the child still wrapped around his leg. "Did you ditch him again?"

Mischief spread on a-Yuan's face as he hid in Wei Ying's thigh.

"A-Yuan." Wei Ying narrowed his eyes at him, gently scolding. "We've talked about this. No walking around on your own. What if something happened?"

"But I'm with you," came the simple answer. "I have to help you walk. You said! To help you walk I have to take your hand. I saw you and gege wasn't holding your hand, so I came to help."

"Ah, so filial, a-Yuan…" Wei Ying looked up to the skies, silently begging the heavens for strength while fighting a ferocious blush. This child of his was as much a blessing as he was a huge trouble. The best kind of trouble, if Wei Ying was honest.

"A-Yuan!"

He was still busy trying to change his smile into something more stern, when as if on cue the uncle in question appeared around the corner, calling for his nephew, looking just as frantic as Wei Ying expected him to be. He waited for Wen Ning's eyes to find them, before he looked back down at a-Yuan.

"See how worried Wen Ning is? You can't do this, a-Yuan." The child's expression fell. "Go tell him you're alright and apologize for running away."

A-Yuan didn't waste a single second, rocketing towards his uncle with an excited call.

With his child safe in the most dependable arms that there were, Wei Ying turned to Lan Zhan again. His friend's eyes were closed, face pulled into a tight expression, lips pressed into a thin line, all of which told him what conclusion Lan Zhan had reached.

"It was part of the reason," Wei Ying said, because he knew Lan Zhan would never ask and he wanted his friend to know. "But it wasn't all of it."

Lan Zhan's eyes opened, his look agonized but not pitying, Wei Ying realized.

"There were many things going on," he said. "It was all so fucked up… I knew I couldn't keep him, and somehow I figured… Might as well go together. In the end we both survived, funny that."

"The father. The father is…" Lan Zhan trailed off, couldn't bring himself to say the name, but he didn't have to. Just as Wei Ying didn't have to answer other than with a rueful smile. After all, there was only one option. Lan Zhan drew a deep breath. "Was it… Did he…"

Here too, Wei Ying knew what he was asking, felt it like the edge of a knife against his skin.

"I don't want to talk about it." He swallowed, a prickling at the corners of his eyelids. "Not yet, at least. I'll tell you the story another time."

Lan Zhan nodded. Worried his jaw. Wei Ying waited.

"Was that why you… left?" His voice was so quiet that if Wei Ying wasn't paying attention, he probably wouldn't have noticed he had said anything at all.

"To put it in the words of aunt Yu, whores aren't welcome under her roof. She threatened to leave uncle Jiang, if he kept supporting me. It's fine," he added quickly when he saw Lan Zhan's face darkening. "Uncle Jiang gave me the trust fund he had for me, which wasn't little, I have a job and I get some aid from the government too. There's also granny's pension and everyone else is working. You don't have to worry, Lan Zhan, we get by."

Lan Zhan looked like he wanted to say something cutting, but luckily they were interrupted by Wen Ning joining them, a-Yuan in his arms. He was probably getting too big for that, but he knew first hand that Wen Ning could lift a full-sized adult without breaking a sweat so he wasn't very worried for either of them.

"Wei-ge, welcome home," Wen Ning greeted him. His eyes wandered to Lan Zhan for a brief moment, then to Wei Ying's hands which were still scraped. "Is everything alright?"

"More than!" Wei Ying ignored the look, grinning and watched a-Yuan beam at him. "Everything's perfect, look who I met in town! You remember Lan Zhan, right? He was in the same class with Wen Qing. Turns out he works here!"

Wei Ying managed to say all of that in one breath before he even realized he was doing it, yet consciously leaving out the bar and without bothering to detail exactly how the 'bumping' went down. Wen Ning took it all in, then gave Lan Zhan a polite smile, his dark eyes meeting Lan Zhan's squarely.

"I know of Lan-xianbei," he said slowly, cautiously polite, before his expression settled into a smile and he inclined his head in greeting. "We've never met officially."

There was a brief round of long overdue introductions, which Wei Ying was happy to ignore in favor of watching a-Yuan grow increasingly fascinated with Lan Zhan. It etched the lines around Wei Ying's smile deeper into his features, in a way he hasn't felt for a long time.

"A-Yuan." he couldn't help but pinch one of the chubby cheeks, after a little shifting of weight. "You keep looking at Lan Zhan like that, he'll think you like him."

"Pretty gege," was all a-Yuan had to say to that, a smile splitting his face, while Lan Zhan's ears turned red. Wei Ying laughed, alight with surprise that the one tell-tale sign of his shyness still remained. Lan Zhan was looking at a-Yuan with increasing curiosity, that pained line from earlier disappearing from his features, slowly replaced by wonder instead.

Wei Ying only looked away when he felt a tiny finger poke at his cheek, angling his head towards a-Yuan to listen to whatever secret his son wanted to share.

"Will pretty gege stay for dinner?" A-Yuan whispered through his hands, causing a complicated set of feelings to run through Wei Ying's chest.

"Sorry, sweetheart, but Lan-shushu can't stay." Wei Ying mock pouted at his son. "He has a flight to catch later."

"Why?" A-Yuan asked, as he did all the time.

"He has to visit his family," Wei Ying answered.

"Oh…" A-Yuan's face fell. There was no doubt in Wei Ying's mind had the answer been anything else, he would have kept asking, but if there was one word a-Yuan understood better than anyone, it was 'family'. It didn't mean he liked it. "But… But I heard! I heard that we will have a party tonight! I cleaned my room, and I did a picture for teacher, and helped granny bake! I was the bestest and uncle said I could stay up extra long tonight 'cause then baba would live forever!"

"I didn't say forever," Wen Ning corrected him timidly, but neither of them paid attention to him, the poor soul. A-Yuan only heard what he wanted to hear, and Wei Ying was too busy making sure his heart didn't burst. He still sometimes couldn't quite believe how much he loved this child.

"Me too." It came unexpectedly from beside him, and when Wei Ying turned to look he found Lan Zhan looking almost as surprised as he felt. "I mean, I also usually stay up longer on Chuxi."

A-Yuan's smile eclipsed the sun. Lan Zhan returned it with an expression so impossibly soft that Wei Ying's heart almost did burst then.

"Pretty gege can stay, and his family can come too, and I will draw everyone a picture!" A-Yuan all but vibrated with bare excitement that Wei Ying felt bad that he had to chide him.

"A-Yuan, do we tell people what they can and can't do, or do we ask?" He had picked the gentlest way possible, but his son still hid his face in his uncle's neck, utterly dejected.

To be fair, Lan Zhan looked rather stricken himself. It was adorable to watch and Wei Ying… Wei Ying knew that no matter whatever feelings he might be harboring, he only came as a set with his son. There was no possible way of heaping that responsibility on another person from the get go, on top of everything else, and yet. And yet. Lan Zhan was regarding a-Yuan with such fondness that it did strange things to Wei Ying's heart, and just like that courage bloomed in Wei Ying's chest.

"How about a compromise? Lan Zhan," he asked carefully. "You still have a few hours left until you have to be at the airport, don't you? Would you… Would you like to come inside?"

"Yes, yes, yes! Please, pretty gege, pretty please." A-Yuan loved the idea, immediately reaching his arms out in silent demand to be held. Wei Ying could only watch as Wen Ning oh so carefully leaned forward and tightened his hold so that a-Yuan could safely launch himself into Lan Zhan's open, waiting arms. He bet Lan Zhan hadn't even noticed how he held them out in a response that had seemed completely automatic.

"A-Yuan," Wei Ying reprimanded him gently, doing everything he could to ignore the adorable pout that pressed into Lan Zhan's shoulder. It was difficult to do with his heart singing like that.

"I would hate to intrude," Lan Zhan replied hesitantly, his eyes not leaving a-Yuan for a second and Wei Ying felt his heart constrict.

"I don't think anyone would mind," Wen Ning said, smiling gently.

"It won't be an issue, Lan Zhan, really." Their eyes met. "We still have a lot to… catch up on."

There was a spark that darkened Lan Zhan's eyes briefly, something heavy settling in the air between the two of them. Chance had brought Lan Zhan back into his life, and Wei Ying wanted to hold on. In any way he was allowed to. As long as he was allowed to.

"And you could meet… You could meet my family." Warmth spread deep in Wei Ying's chest as the word 'family' echoed in his mind, before he added in a whisper. "If you like."

"Wei Ying…" Finally, after what felt like an entire eternity, Lan Zhan spoke, the softest of smiles spreading on his face, gentle as the first rays of the sun on a misty morning. "I would very much love to meet your family."

"Great!" Wei Ying felt the smile split his face from one ear to another and amidst the cheers of his child that echoed the ones in his heart and started towards the door that Wen Ning held open for him. "Come on in then! Let's give everyone the shock of their life that I brought home such a handsome man!"

"Wei Ying…" It was spoken as a reprimand but it sounded like a chuckle.

"Hi, handsome! You're Lan Zhan, right? I've heard all about you!" Somewhere in his memory a cheerful voice greeted the most beautiful youth that there ever was. "I'm Wei Wuxian. I'll let you call me Wei Ying."

The door fell shut to the sound of Wei Ying's laugh.

#vedrividia #wangxianLNY21 #*LNYfic21 #*LNYgifts21

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