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highseas-swede · 7 months

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Aziraphale and Trauma

[Just a note that I initially wrote this in response to this post: https://www.tumblr.com/theangelyouknew/732357015604756480?source=share&ref=_tumblr which is full of insightful info. I'm reposting my response here with some minor edits so it's easier to find in tags.]

This is something I actually find interesting within the fandom, because there seems to be this weird divide in fandom when it comes to Aziraphale.

See, I love Aziraphale. I think he's an amazing and well nuanced character, but a lot of the time fandom boils him down into this really simple version of himself. This happens both with people who dislike him and claim he's a bad person as well as with those who want to soften him up and make him more palatable. Aziraphale isn't the only one who has trouble with black and white thinking here!

Things like Coffee Theory remove Aziraphale's agency because the thought of Aziraphale doing something to hurt Crowley deliberately is something they can't stomach. If Aziraphale is acting under some kind of major magical influence, it means that it's possible to brush over the fact that he can - and has - hurt Crowley in the past and it certainly hasn't always been accidental.

There's a lot of Psychology I could touch on here, but it's honestly such a complicated topic that I don't really feel I can do it justice attached to a completely different topic.

But one thing I do want to touch on a bit is how Aziraphale asserts control in his own life via his connection with Crowley, and that touches on something equally complicated, which is something that's probably hard to understand.

Abuse victims are often manipulative.

I don't mean this at all as some kind of slight or insult. I've been an abuse victim myself and it's one reason I know it's true.

Fandom talks a lot about Crowley's trauma and he's got loads, to be sure. I think of that meme about "this bad boy can fit a lot of trauma" and it's very true. I've even seen people mention that Aziraphale has a different kind of Trauma than Crowley, which is also true.

What I haven't seen is someone addressing that the type of religious trauma is a form of CPTSD. CPTSD or "Complex PTSD" is a very specific form of PTSD. PTSD is characterized as being the result of a traumatic event - Crowley's fall, for example, is a good example of PTSD and I can go into that at some point. CPTSD is different because it's not a singular event, it's the result of being in a constant high stress situation. A lot of abuse victims - especially those abused by parental figures or significant others - have this form of PTSD.

A good way to see the difference is in comparing how they relate to their trauma. When Crowley thinks he's lost Aziraphale in S1, it sends him into a spiral. But importantly we see that this traumatic event is causing Crowley to go back to another traumatic event in time, triggering his memories of his fall. This emphasizes how much Crowley's fall defines his trauma. We rarely see him experiencing trauma at the hands of Hell, as he's mostly allowed freedom to handle his job on earth the way he wants.

https://cptsdfoundation.org/ defines CPTSD as "the results of ongoing, inescapable, relational trauma. Unlike Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Complex PTSD typically involves being hurt by another person. These hurts are ongoing, repeated, and often involving a betrayal and loss of safety."

In humans, this is caused by having no sense of safety in key moments of development. It strips away sense of self, sense of worth and really any agency. We even see the angels using direct gaslighting tactics on Aziraphale in S2, which I'm surprised doesn't get mentioned more often: When they come to the bookshop looking for Gabriel, they mention Gabriel and then almost immediately when Aziraphale asks "you were looking for Gabriel", Uriel outright says a line that goes something like "Did we say we were looking for Gabriel?", leading Aziraphale to fumble and try to remember if they did, in fact, say that at some point (they did).

So, one big thing to know about CPTSD and this kind of abuse related trauma is that learning to lie and be manipulative is often what people have to do to survive. Children with abusive parents will learn how to be manipulative in order to get what they need or avoid losing things they need.

We see this with Aziraphale, time and time again. He could just ASK Crowley for things he wants. A lot of people point out that he could ask and that Crowley would probably give in to him most of the time anyway. But that's not how it works in an abusive home. Instead, Aziraphale maneuvers Crowley into situations where Crowley is forced to give him what he needs or wants.

His lack of agency, as a result of his CPTSD, is also why he needs to be worked into making decisions that he already knows - or at least suspects - are right. That's why they have their little dance every time Crowley has to talk Aziraphale into something by finding the right way to frame it so it makes sense with Aziraphale's strict rule structure. These rules exist as a defensive mechanism too. Having rules makes it easier to figure out how to avoid being hurt and Aziraphale cannot simply step outside the rules because it's Not Safe. Not even with someone he trusts as much as Crowley.

The entire apology dance scene stands out for a few reasons. Everything Aziraphale does in the entire scene is an act that allows him to take control of the situation. He's already won, so to speak, because Crowley is back and Crowley is going to do what he wants. The apology is unnecessary on every level.

This post talks about how uncomfortable Crowley has to be sharing a space with Gabriel. Gabriel is with the abusive team, whether or not he was directly involved with Crowley's fall. Crowley also harbors a severe distress and mistrust of Gabriel because of Gabriel's attempts to destroy Aziraphale, the most important person to Crowley. But it's worth noting that Aziraphale is uncomfortable too.

Another good indicator of how stressed Aziraphale is with all this is that he doesn't eat ANYTHING when Gabriel is in the shop. The only food he consumes in modern era is when he's in the Bentley which is a "safe" space. Gabriel constantly hounded Aziraphale over eating and despite offering Gabriel hot chocolate, we don't see him partaking himself. He does briefly drink to demonstrate how "drinking tea" works for Muriel, but he doesn't seem to drink from his cup at all after demonstrating.

The bookshop is also Aziraphale's safe space, his ONLY safe space - Crowley still technically has the Bentley, and honestly I feel like Aziraphale wanting to borrow the Bentley is actually partially because he needs to get away from Gabriel and the Bentley is the only place that feels safe for him at the moment. Shax ruins any illusion of safety for him, but Aziraphale is much more enthused for his trip in ep3 and a fair amount of it is because he's not trapped with Gabriel.

A small note here, as a thought occurs to me. Aziraphale asserting that the Bentley is "our car" is probably mostly for himself. He's trying to realign his thinking to make the Bentley an acceptable "safe space" for himself prior to the trip.

There is a very different relationship dynamic when it comes to Gabriel and Aziraphale because Gabriel is the constant source of Aziraphale's trauma. He's Aziraphale's superior, the one he has to report to, the one who passes down his missions and his punishments. When Aziraphale takes Gabriel in, he's just invited his former abuser of over 6000 years into his safe haven. This is a hugely uncomfortable thing for an abuse survivor.

Worst of all, because Jim is, for all intents and purposes, NOT Gabriel, Aziraphale can't bring himself to lash out at his former abuser the way he wants to.

That brings us back to this apology scene.

There are two major things going on here and both of them are bad and hurtful toward Crowley. They're also both intensely unfair. I love Aziraphale but this was definitely a dick move.

Firstly: Aziraphale is using Crowley to reassert a sense of control over the situation because he is spiraling. He can't assert control over his life and his shop, which is one thing that he falls back on heavily, and that leaves him scrambling to find somewhere where he can control his situation. He makes Crowley go through this whole unnecessary apology and dance routine because it makes him feel like he has control over SOMETHING in his life right now.

Secondly: Aziraphale is also enacting his own trauma on Crowley. He's treating Crowley the way Heaven treats him. This is a direct parallel to the way Crowley terrorizes his house plants because he can't do anything to the people who actually caused his trauma. This is, obviously, wildly unfair of Aziraphale to do - and I'm fairly sure there are other small moments where Aziraphale does this in a mild way, I'd have to rewatch again.

These are both behaviors common in CPTSD caused by environments that apply this constant state of stress.

I'm not going to say it's right, or that Aziraphale isn't being a bit of a bastard in this moment - he absolutely is - but this behavior does have some obvious triggers that might be easy to overlook. It's just important to understand that Aziraphale is falling into self-preservation habits that are actively detrimental to his relationship with Crowley. It's not just the manipulation, he's also hiding things and lying to Crowley when he really shouldn't be - both things often necessary in abusive environments - but he's doing it because that's the method that he's created that works with his abusive relationship in Heaven and he's falling back on it because he feels unsafe. The trouble is, this survival tactic does not work with Crowley and actively makes things worse because it shuts down open communication entirely.

#Aziraphale #Good Omens #Good Omens Meta #good omens s2 #aziraphale meta #crowley x arizaphale #CPTSD discussion

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trans-luis-serra-navarro · 5 months

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hi! do you have serennedy headcanons about luis and leon being parents?

Hello!! Of course I do omg are you kidding me!!!!!!! I have a whole tag on my main @wisecrackingeric-2 titled ‘DadSerennedyAU’ if you wanna see my own spin on the idea!!!!! ORRRR if you wanna read something from yet another incredibly talented artist and author I CANNOT recommend @mooseonahunt ‘s AU enough!!!! And I know the lovely @geddy-leesbian has made some posts on this subject also!!!!!!!

But in terms of Headcannons I have plenty!! I’ll put them below the cut to avoid clogging anyone’s dashes!!

Edit: THIS IS UH UM. V E R Y LONG. I WENT KINDA BUCKWILD WITH THIS ONE AHDNCHDNXUXJXJ SO UH PLEASE ENJOY I GUESS!!

• First and foremost they are t4t. Sorry I don’t make the rules (also. Look at my blog name HQNAHWNEHDNDUDJ /lh)

• I imagine it was probably Luis who wanted a kid- we don’t know much about Leon’s childhood other than the fact that his parents died (the very wonderful @highball66 has some more information on the backstory we DO have for him!!) and thus we don’t really have a good idea of what his relationship with his parents might’ve been- but Luis is the TOTAL opposite. We know from context clues that he had a really strong relationship with his Grandfather, who went as far as to encourage his love for science and the unorthodox in an incredibly strict Catholic environment, and it’s implied on some level that Bitores Mendez had some hand in helping raise him, so I can imagine that Luis is very attached to the idea of parenthood and would probably wanna be the same kind of man his Grandfather was to him!!!

• Leon???? Realistically???? Probably a whole lot more hesitant- like he almost dies on the job everyday there’s no way he’d feel fit enough to raise a kid. But also,,,,, this is resident evil and also fiction where we can do whatever the hell we want so hell yeah he comes around to the idea eventually!!!!!!

• Luis is probably accidentally VERY clingy with their kid/a lil overbearing during the toddler age. Everything he’s ever contributed to in his life has either hurt others or he’s destroyed it one way or another- and everyone he’s held closest to him dies in some way. And going off of the first point, he’s probably put a LOT of pressure on himself to be a good Dad like his Grandfather was, so that usually ends up with him hogging the baby HCNNSSNSJSNIS

• Leon, again similar to my last point, would probably have the opposite reaction where he has this gut instinct to keep his distance- like he’s worried if he gets too attached it’s all gonna be ripped away from him just like Sherry was all of those years ago. But I highly doubt either of their qualms last for very long- they’d talk things out and figure out something that works for the both of them <3

• They’d probably go with the same middle and last name as Luis- ‘Serra’ and ‘Navarro’. I know I keep repeating myself but Luis had a really good relationship with his Grandfather and his culture/heritage clearly means a lot to him (ie; the intro to Seperate Ways), so being able to keep that little piece of his history alive would probably mean the world to him <<33

• And going off of that, Luis is ALWAYS trying to encourage their kid to learn more about their culture and heritage- teaching them Spanish, cooking them traditional foods, etc etc etc and when Luis isn’t there to do it, Leon is always more than happy to do so <<<<<<33333

• Let’s be real,,,,,,, Leon is coming up with the cringiest baby names ever HXNEHENDUXNXU CMOOOOOON LOOK AT MR. WHERES EVERYONE GOING BINGO!!!!! But Luis probably isn’t much better BCNENWEJSJ I can easily picture him convincing Leon that noooooo Alonso or Miguel aren’t references to Don Quixote hahahahahaha omg what’re you taaaalking abooout. So anyways if it were a girl what about Dulcinea-

• I’m picturing them choosing to have a kid a lil bit later than most people (like,, late 30’s-early 40’s??? So not like they’re old or anything but it’s not like they’re having kids in their early 20’s yk HNCSHDNSJ) so for that reason in my mind they’d probably only want one kid

• Very predictable but they both read Don Quixote to their kid when putting them to sleep and/or they sing them lullabies in Spanish. Who here is surprised for that one certainly not me

• And once again WHO IS SURPRISED, the kid’s room is very subtly Don Quixote themed. Lil stuffed donkeys and windmill motifs everywhere you get it (<- normalest guy alive)

• Leon’s probably the one who does more physical activities with their kid- realistically, Luis is N O T surviving that knife to the back without some major lifelong injuries, so Leon’s the one who always carry’s their kid on his shoulders or swings him around when they’re playing etc etc

• I think Luis would be a lil sad that he isn’t able to join in on those kinds of physical activities, but he’d absolutely make up for it by taking their kid to work or teaching them general hands-on skills n stuff!!

• Leon ABSOLUTELY would wanna teach their kid self-defence as early as possible. He obviously mellows out and realises hey maybe teaching a 10 year old how to wield a knife is a Bad Idea, but with everything he’s seen in his life there’s no way he wouldn’t want his kid to know how to defend themselves at LEAST

• Wild-card one here but the three of them ABSOLUTELY take family trips to Madrid or other cities in Spain during the summer

• Last wild-card one but sometimes Luis will look at their kid and see his Grandfather so clearly he just starts fuckim bawlimg. Same with Leon. He sees the childhood he could’ve had and sometimes he’s gotta excuse himself to cry. Love these beautiful idiots

Tl;dr they would be very very wonderful parents who would love their kid with all of their heart and soul and you can put that headcannon from my COLD DEAD HANDS!!!!!!

#YEAH IM SO SORRY THIS ONES SO LOMG. WHOOSPIEDAISY. AUTISM MOMENT.#asks #DadSerennedyAU #serennedy

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whyisstarkidfollowingmeshoo · 4 months

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A post for all new and longtime Jeff Blim livestream viewers and chatters. Welcome! (updated on March 8 2024)

*check https://starkid.fandom.com/wiki/Jeff_Blim to compare facts here. For now, the wikia is more updated than this since everyone knows where it is. But this post has further information than the one in wikia.

Update (May 15, 2024) Thank you so much for following me. I apologize for not following back but I may find your posts (and like or repost them) when they have a Jeff Blim tag and other tags in my list. Update: May 27 2024. Watch Jeff's last stream where he checked his wiki. He said he will do some or a few edits and he made some corrections. I don't know when I'll check it myself. Any edits from other fans are highly encouraged. For me, there is no longer to add info here and on the wiki at least about his history. His wiki is already too long enough lol.

Sometimes we read the same questions over and over on his stream and he has answered all of them in the past. Or accidentally ignores/did not read the old, repeated question, so he can't answer because he's busy doing stuff on the stream. And sometimes, instead of giving the answer to our fellow fans, we just give joke answers instead because we are that silly. I'm trying hard to remember fun facts/stuff he shared on his livestreams and will update if I can. Please help with mistakes on recollection to avoid fake facts. Thank you...

I. The Content in his livestreaming. Well, most days we listen to demos, Jeff live composing his music/songs and some of them are spoiler-less clues to up-and-coming StarKid shows, showcase his difficult and complex relationship with Logic and Stream labs (gee, that sounds familiar. There is screaming/shouting and desk hitting, followed by amazing wit to calm his nerves) listen to him improv and say funny things sometimes based on what Chat is typing about. And have that clout chaser and clout black hole named Jon Matteson as his guest in his streams, most of the time via phone call. If Jon ever gets on his stream, good luck trying to get attention from Jeff on the chat lol. The bromance is strong in this one (although I have gotten Jeff's attention once while Jon was on stream but it was about Jon haha).

Sometimes Jeff just wants to hang out and talk anything, jam with his piano, answer personality quizzes that we give him, give out audition advices (Uncle Jeff's audition hotline. make sure to identify when he's being sincere and when's he's joking/being sarcastic), talk about his hobbies, do spreadsheet baseball... On his hot takes, they are plainly hot takes and you don't have to agree with whatever he says. His hot takes are, half of the time, for entertainment purposes only. Send acting audition help inquiries to [email protected] to make your dream work. More cheaper charges than the one in Broadway Plus. You can also DM Uncle Jeff on his active social media accounts (Twitch, IG) No silly messages pls. Just acting audition help business ONLY. His rates are 75 dollars per hour, 50 for half. To those who can afford, he has a patreon page if you want downloadable copies to the songs he composes on his streams. The link is in his Twitch and YT pages.

II. Music 1. He started learning the piano as a young boy. His teacher was a Russian woman (I can't remember her name). Then he switched to the trumpet and told his father he didn't want to play the piano anymore. 2. He was never a member of a drum corps but went to a camp for it by the The Cavaliers. 3. He only joined Amazin Blue, an a cappella group in UMich, because he wanted to be in a band. He ended up becoming their music director because he wanted every member to have a song where they provided the main vocals, which is something that he butted heads with previous music directors in the past. He won an award for a cappella arrangement for his work with Amazin Blue. Their two albums (Shades of Blue and Self-Titled) can be found in Bandcamp One of his former fellow members in AB is also famous now. The half of the team behind Dear Evan Hansen, Justin Paul.

5. He was a trumpet player at the church where he grew up. (one of his first jobs). 6. According to him, he used to listen to awful Christian rock while growing up. 7. His dad is a retired band director. 8. Likes The 1975 9. He mentioned in Feb 23, 2024 on his stream that he does not want to sing Get In My Mouth live again because he does not want to relive the memory of playing a giant spider. He still thinks it's a great song.

III. Jobs First: Taking out the trash for a neighbor. Second: Trumpet player at the church where he grew up. Third: High school - Trumpet player and played as an "executioner" at a Medieval Times Dinner Theater (??? I'm not well-versed about this as I don't live in the US). After college, while looking for acting jobs and writing TTO. New York City Fourth: Carrying signs for Disney at Times Square. Fifth: Theater Usher (his favorite job). Los Angeles Sixth: working for THAT infamous Los Angeles escape room that he got from Nick Lang. Seventh: Full-time streamer, actor, singer, composer, dancer, acting coach, Internet Uncle to 20+ nephews and nieces 😆 around the world. A. One of his fave TV jobs is his appearance on HBO's Veep because he loves the show. B. On the 911 episode where his chef character accidentally hurts himself, he said he didn't particularly enjoyed his time shooting that ep because he was strapped with a heavy object on his chest during the bloody scene. C. Shooting 24/7: Lego Maniac was fun Eighth: He said a few times he's not auditioning anymore and will only take roles offered to him. Whether it's a joke or not, let's just take that as fact for now lol. There was a phase in his life that he got tired of auditioning (NYC, while writing TTO).

IV. StarKid Stuff

(while answering a personality quiz and as of late 2023 or early 2024) Fave Hatchetfield musical: Black Friday. (while answering a personality quiz as of late 2023 or early 2024) Fave LiB: Nibbly. For the longest time, he considers "Lost Without You" as his/one of his favorite songs that he wrote because it's his first ballad. Generally, if you ask him what's his fave StarKid song or what's his favorite play/musical he was a part, he can't/won't choose because he considers all of them his favorite. 2. I've read this many times, Max Jagerman was never written for Jeff. He may replicate the energy but he is too old to play a high schooler. Can you imagine him doing the shirtless scene during Dirty Girl? His body is no longer like when he did Aladdin in Twisted. He is no longer in his 20s. 3. He said he had the most fun composing for Black Friday.

V. StarKid Tangent Stuff 1. As of Feb 2024, Jeff announced that Rim Tim Timmy is dead. RIP Rim Tim Timmy. :,-( Meanwhile, his sister (chat head canon and Jeff laughed at the name) Rim (Ram) Tam Tammy is alive and well, thank yewww.... VI. Movies 1. For list of movies he loves, check out Rim Tim Timmy's Movies Movies Movies. Yes, you don't know half/most of the movies he likes cause he's old and you're a Gen Z-er. Get a grip. 2. His first and only appearance so far in a full length film is in his brother's indie movie Mondo Hollywoodland. As of now, the movie is available to watch for free in some streaming sites. VII. Likes 1. Coffee once a day, most of the time spending 10 dollars a cup from a shop. He has thankfully quit on nitro. He describes it like a drug addiction he needs to curb. He wants the baristas who are serving him to have that indifferent vibe.

2. Spreadsheet baseball. He plays with classic/ old school famous baseball players. He used to just play on an excel spreadsheet that he made himself until a fan who showed up on one of the TGWDLM showings and told him that he can compete with other people online.

3. Is a fan of the up and coming sport of arm wrestling. He only watches people arm wrestle, not engage in one.

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mickules · 2 years

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Dangantober asks

So, you may or may not have seen, I've been posting Dangaronpa Ghost Photos as a daily october drawing and writing challenge

This is just a collection of asks about them, and I'll be posting a little breakdown of my thought process behind each character tomorrow

But first, the most pressing question:

I'm afraid not, it's just gonna be THH and SDR2 but I do appreciate the enthusiasm👍! I'll be honest, I kinda ran dry on the ideas front. It might be different if I'd planned it all out in advance, but since v3 isn't a direct sequel, it doesn't slot in as neatly with the prev 2 games. I'd have had to do a lot more juggling to fit it in and I hate to admit it, but I was already starting to repeat myself a little bit. There's always next year tho perhaps...

Rest of the asks below!

oho! (referencing Chiaki's photo) you certainly did see what I did there It was honestly a toss up between that, and sonic.exe which would have been HILARIOUS. (also not sure if anyone caught the ref to one of my fave youtubers)

Fair point, Well we know what happens when you break ALL of them, But if you break a few all at once I think it'd the first option. They won't come for you at the exact same time though, the haunts cascade, one after the other depending on when you broke the rule, and how fast the ghost haunts you.

I did try to make most of the rules things that'd probably get you in trouble anyway if you were caught, but there's gonna be that one unlucky fecker who accidentally throws a new pen away and gets their ass ghost stalked by Nagito, no idea of what's going on.

@cat0901h3 Originally I was going to include a bit with Makoto as the headteacher The idea was that Junko lured you into the headteacher's office to kill you THERE, essentially framing Makoto, and starting up her whole campaign of despair again. I decided to leave it more ambiguous instead like the ending of THH, and have Junko be your unreliable narrator instead

Course this au crumbles a little if you look too hard since the sdr2 lot are actually dead and not in a simulation (and I did not plan this lol) I like to think of it like a Battle Royale situation. Junko set up the killing games but it never got outside Hope's Peak, it was kept under wraps. there wasn't an actual apocalypse.

In this scenario I do see Makoto as the headteacher, he'd probably know about the hauntings, hence why there are school policies in place that match the 'rules', I figure Hiro helps out a fair bunch working out the haunting parameters, they're trying to help their friends rest in peace.

thanks so much! super glad you like! Working fast was what I was most known for in school lol, it helps if I've got a solid visual in mind, otherwise I can meander with the best of them.

AHH?? THANkS SO MUCH! I'm so pleased folk liked them! I've gotta admit when I started I was like 'ha ha this'll be a laugh' and halfway through it was very much 'WRITING IS HARD' Lord, pour one out to the fanfic authors, I cannot do what they do!

Thanks so much! it really makes my day to see folk waiting for the next one :) Hope celeste lived up to your expectations ;)

Sorry for leaving these too late to answer! I didn't want to stop and answer in between the dangantober posts in case I lost momentum But I wanted to acknowledge it, I'm pleased I sparked your interest! :)

[EDIT this ask came literally as I pushed post]

@emberz7 AH!! Thanks so so much! I'm blown away to hear that folk were actually spooked! A little creepy vibe was definitely was I was going for I think I like Chiaki's picture the most, I just really like how it came out with the screenshot vibe. In terms of story, honestly Sayaka's it was the one that inspired me to start the whole thing, and at the beginning it was the only one I had! I think it's also the most robust in terms of flow, it feels like an actual ghost story someone might tell.

Also, I see you, you absolute GEMS who reblogged each one?? and left tags??? you don't know how much that means to me

not gonna lie that's a big reason why I didn't run out of steam sooner <3

#danganronpa ghost au #dangantober #ask #dr1 spoilers #sdr2 spoilers #drv3 spoilers #anon #gallifreyanfairy2000 #emberz7 #cat0901h3 #dangan-answer-ranpan #mickules #long post #also korekiyo was legit exorcised what do I DO with that??#Kokichi was PASTE I was already reaching HARD for mondo #all my brain would supply was: put him in a jar.#head empty no thoughts #alt text for asks in image description

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yurissweettooth · 1 year

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Tired of every single day seeing 29583995 posts about how you are supposed to engage in fandom and how everyone who engages differently is wrong and bad and not allowed to do this and that.

Literally do not understand why people are so pressed about what other people are doing for fun.

Do I find the way people interpret/misinterpret some characters to be annoying and baffling at times? Yes! I think everyone does. But that doesn't mean the person who is over there having a fun time not hurting anyone is at fault for it. You can block them and move on and say nothing.

This was inspired by a screenshot of someone saying something to the tune of "normalize mischaracterizing your comfort characters. I dont care whether or not they would canonically do something." And someone retweeted (to a seemingly large audience) telling them that they must not actually like the character. Which feels pretty mean-spirited to an innocuous post about how someone chooses to engage with something that comforts them.

And I honestly think the original person had a point. Normalizing it does not mean YOU have to do it or YOU have to like people's interpretations, it means that people will be allowed to engage in harmless fun without everyone getting up and arms and making assumptions about them or QRTing their post to thousands of people calling them a fake fan.

Everyone has a different idea of what fun and comfort is and for some people that's making wacky AUs or exaggerating traits and playing dollhouse and for others that meticulously researching and nailing down every canon detail in their works. Some people like tiktok and incorrect quote edits and some like meta and deepdives into and it's all okay and fine!

Someone doesn't HAVE to make an OC. If they want their quick fix of comfort and catharsis by just tacking traits on to a pre-made character that they don't have to expend extra energy on then who cares?

Also lots of neurodivergent people (like myself) and kids get caught in the crossfire as well, but really I think EVERYONE should have the right to do what they want. This feels like another extension if cringe culture which should be dead an buried by now.

And I say all this as a person who PREFERS to engage in fandom in a canon-compliant, lore-friendly way and yet has also been the victim of this.

I have had bad/mean fandom experiences over presenting evidenced, well-sourced, and canon compliant material that just happens to contradict popular fanon. I have also received backlash for putting a character through 10+ years of canon-compliant, well researched, and carefully constructed character development which led them to do things differently in the future than they did in canon.

But I don't always feel like giving a 20+ paragraph disclaimer on every single doodle, edit, or short fic to prove to you exactly how they got here and why it's canon compliant (although I unfortunately DO tend to do this to avoid repeats of past hate :/) because it really shouldn't matter. Blocking me outright or blocking my tags should suffice.

I will never understand this mentality of "Only I do things correctly, everyone else is wrong and bad and ruining everything and I have to shame people doing harmless things so everyone sees how right I am" and I feel like I've been seeing it more and more every day lately and it's frustrating. This is a big part of why I left twitter but it's getting popular here too now.

This is honestly a big part of why I don't post the majority of my fanart and fics anymore. I no longer post meta or silly edits, I no longer reach out to people to discuss ideas, I rarely share my thoughts on any characters publicly, etc.

I live a very stressful life and I engage in fandom to relax and have fun but that has been very difficult for me due to people who always feel the need to be hateful over innocuous things. I feel more and more like I need to walk on eggshells so I do not accidentally incite another ✨️incident✨️ because I dared to post a silly headcanon or edit. And that sort of hate and "umm, actually..." response STILL happens to me, even in recent days because god forbid I post an AU I enjoyed and wished to share with people who might also enjoy it!! It's so frustrating.

And this, of course, is NOT referring to people who try to force/shame others into their interpretations (regardless of if they are compliant or not). This is also NOT about bigoted material. Turning characters into harmful stereotypes (making a black woman who is not sassy sassy, for example), using them to spread hateful messages, and erasing their identities/whitewashed their designs. That is a separate issue. But someone making a character you like say something they wouldn't say in canon? Making them act a little silly? Ignoring parts of canon to make an idea they have work? It's not hurting anyone!!!

#jun rambles #fandom critical #rant #i do not normally post personal stuff but ive seen like 6 posts today on the back of me getting a dumb anon #on my side blog AGAIN and I am just... tired..

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autumnalonyx · 13 days

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{ AUTUMNALONYX }

indie sel pri multi fandom original character, Nesryn Spindle. loved by jackie. private / mutually exclusive. Baldur's Gate III , Grishaverse, Dragon Age, Tolkien, His Dark Materials, and more!

“SON OF MANNON, THE MONSTER IN THE DARK. ”

Jackie 30+ / she/her / est. discord available to mutuals

BIO • MEME TAG • STARTER CALL • PINTEREST • EDITS

blogroll: @bhrathair @oakthcrn

Guidelines under the cut!

1. Hi, My name is JACKIE and my pronouns are She / Her. I am 30+ and work full time. I work full time and so my presence on the dash may vary. Discord is available on request.

MINORS. DO NOT INTERACT. IF YOU ARE A MINOR, I WILL SOFT/BLOCK YOU. I WILL NOT INTERACT WITH ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 20.

2. My muse is an original character, and will be headcanon based with media influences. He is multi fandom, multi verse. All my graphics and headcanons belong to me. Do not steal them.

3. I do write smut, however, I only write it with people I’ve interacted with for a while and my smut goes under Read More on tumblr or it will be on discord in private. Anything of a sexual nature will be tagged

“ cw nsfw “ or nsft or tw nsft

4. I am more than happy to have asks be turned into threads. All I ask is to move the ask to a text post. I will not rp directly from the ask. It’s just too clunky looking for me. Do not reblog/like threads you are not involved with. Personals, do not interact. If you do, you will be blocked on sight.

5. Please do not bring drama or politics to me. This is a place for me to escape from the real world. if i’m doing something actively harmful please tell me. Shoot me a message.

6. Nesryn is a private, mutual exclusive blog. This means I will only interact with muses that I follow. I am considered low activity and may not post everyday.

I AM NOT A REBLOG SOURCE. DON'T REBLOG THINGS FROM ME.

Moving forward, if you reblog something from me that isn't our thread or something I have made for you specifically, I will block you. I've had enough being used as an edit / meme source. It really messes up my activity. I have it stated in my rules, and it is continuously being ignored.

Please do not reblog memes / edit sets from me if there is a source you can reblog from. The only exception to this rule is when there is no source or the source is deactivated, other than that, you will be blocked. Please respect this rule, I'm getting tired of having to repeat myself.

7. I am oc friendly and encourage ocs to interact, however, there must be a bio page for your oc. Please don’t take it personally if I don’t connect with your oc. Not everyone is going to have chemistry.

8. I will tag triggers and squeaks. If you have a specific one, please message me so I can appropriate tags. The only thing that I don’t like seeing is furry nsfw and images of excessive gore.

9. I don’t do drama. Don’t drag me into it. I don’t care about it. I will make my own choice of who I rp with. That being said, if you are racist/homophoic/misogynist -- other words if you’re a cunt, I will not tolerate you and block you. Be nice to each other, it’s not a hard concept. Do not bring drama to me. I will not engage.

10. I am not consistent with my activity so please do not pester me for replies. I don’t mind a gentle nudge every once in a while, because let’s face it, I get easily distracted or I forget. Ims and Discord are strictly for mutuals only.

11. There may be shipping on this blog. I only ship with chemistry .Eden is bisexual.

12. If I follow you, it means that I can see us potentially writing together. If after a week and you have not followed me, no worries. I will unfollow. I like to keep my dash clean for my own mental health. I will not follow you / block you if you use Amber Heard as a face claim. Also, this blog is anti JKR.

13. All I ask if you unfollow me is that you softblock me, so I am not following you. If you block me, please block me on all my blogs so I don’t accidentally interact with you.

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teinecaith-a · 3 months

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{ TEINECAITH }

indie sel pri TAV OF BALDUR'S GATE III, Juniper Oakthorn loved by jackie. private / mutually exclusive.

THE DRUID OF FLAMES

Jackie 30+ / she/her / MT. discord available to mutuals

BIO • MEME TAG • STARTER CALL • SPOTIFY PLAYLIST • PINTEREST • EDITS

blogroll: @bhrathair @hiraethcalling @oakthcrn

guidelines under the cut.

1. Hi, My name is JACKIE and my pronouns are She / Her. I am 30+ and work full time. I work full time and so my presence on the dash may vary. Discord is available on request.

MINORS. DO NOT INTERACT. IF YOU ARE A MINOR, I WILL SOFT/BLOCK YOU. I WILL NOT INTERACT WITH ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 20.

2. June is an original character, and will be headcanon based with media influences. he is multi fandom, multi verse. All my graphics and headcanons belong to me. Do not steal them.

“ cw nsfw “ or nsft or tw nsft

5. Please do not bring drama or politics to me. This is a place for me to escape from the real world. if i’m doing something actively harmful please tell me. Shoot me a message.

6. Lark is a private, mutual exclusive blog. This means I will only interact with muses that I follow. I am considered low activity and may not post everyday.

I AM NOT A REBLOG SOURCE. DON'T REBLOG THINGS FROM ME.

8. I will tag triggers and squeaks. If you have a specific one, please message me so I can appropriate tags. The only thing that I don’t like seeing is furry nsfw and images of excessive gore.

11. There may be shipping on this blog. I only ship with chemistry .Eden is bisexual.

13. All I ask if you unfollow me is that you softblock me, so I am not following you. If you block me, please block me on all my blogs so I don’t accidentally interact with you.

#pinned post #dni

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buddyfightbarista · 2 years

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tagged by @waterlord, thank you!

[repost with animals you associate with your muse!]

(answered this on my personal accidentally earlier on, sorry about that!)

1/ the domesticated red fox 🦊

Red foxes are associated with slyness, courage and confidence! Shia is a dynamic person, brimming with vitality and bright like a red fox; but this doesn't hinder her ability to trick, manipulate, and lie through her teeth. The female name of a fox is a vixen, which has been used in modern times to describe women exuding charisma and feminine appeal (just like her!)

2/ the rooster

Early birds catch the worm! Not one to sleep in late, Shia's a morning person and can't abide laziness - the morning is the best time to research and pour back the coffee! Of course, just like the rooster waking everyone up, she also cultivates the bad habit of waking all her housemates up at the same time she does: anybody found idle will have to skip breakfast.

Bloody King thought he was signing up for a research partner; what he got was a fussy landlord!

One more thing; when she's happy, she struts and flits around reminiscent of a rooster!

3/ the sea anemone

Surprised that the sea anemone is an animal? Although it doesn't possess a brain, it has been scientifically tested and proven to have consistent choices under pressure. Shia is the same way - consistency and logical reasoning are key in her field of work, causing her to suppress her natural instincts.

Even in the case of a sudden cockroach infestation :D

4/ the kitsune

As I mentioned the fox earlier, this might feel like I'm repeating myself. But the kitsune has a few distinct traits that are important to mention! The kitsune is commonly known in folk mythology from Asia as a selfish, desire driven, and cunning being. Shia, likewise, is on a destructive quest for revenge at all costs, even though she may appear harmless, and she will probably throw away constructive endings if it means she will attain a pyrrhic victory over the one controlling Buddyfights from the shadows.

(edits start here)

5/ the snake

Can't believe I forgot this one originally! Her character has a very strong association with snakes because I conceptualised her as the avatar of the Cardfight!! Vanguard card White Snake Witch, Mint. As you can see from her deck page, it didn't turn out that way, but the remembrance of her reptilian beginning is still extremely strong for me, hence the pink colour predominant in her character design that echoes Mint's.

6/ the deer

This one is something that I forgot about for a while; in one of my favourite book series, The Girl Who Circumvated Fairyland In A Ship Of Her Own Making, there is this tribe of deer-girls called the Hreinn. The Hreinn live underground because they're afraid of being snatched up as wives for hunters if their deerskins are stolen. Shia has the same dual-nature as them: her softer, childish side that she's kept locked away ever since what happened to her family, and her harder, more street-savvy side. Both are equal parts of her personality, just the second side is displayed more often.

#cardfight vanguard #future card buddyfight #fcbf roleplay #fcbf rp #cfv rp #cardfight!! vanguard rp #rooster strut ;)#kitsune meow #captain foxy #anemone supremacy #deergirl #hreinn #the girl who circumnavigated fairyland #muse inspo #snake #white snake #white snake witch mint

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ereborne · 6 years

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Song of the Day!

Jan 28th, Day 44: "Giving Up the Gun" by Vampire Weekend

#yapping tag #song of the day #it's almost sunrise and i'm crashing hardcore but i'm not about to go to bed without making this post #not after we've been talking about the songs all night #and i've been singing this to myself all day anyhow i feel like the post would've needed making on its own merits alone #vampire weekend has a real talent for lyrics and no lie every line of this song is worth looking up and thinking deeply about #but most specifically all day my brain has been repeating the second half of the second verse and insisting it is poetry #'you felt the coming wave / told me we'd all be brave #you said you wouldn't flinch #but in the years that passed / since i saw you last #you haven't moved an inch'#it's something in the delivery i think #the way that very last piece hits during a lull in the instruments #the way it's set down like a proclamation #gentle and quiet especially in comparison to the rest of the song but also firm. unarguable #i'm tired and very prone to overthinking but damn i love it #(I'm gonna make an edit here the morning after #because I think in my sleepiness I have accidentally pretended to be studying these lines in a serious academic fashion #so what I actually meant when I said 'think deeply about' there was more like 'stare at for a while in a somewhat quizzical manner'#when my brain says these lines are poetry what I'm feeling is less like a deep and moving unnameable emotion #and more like a benign version of when your anxiety says 'something is Wrong'#you're left blinking trying to figure out exactly what that means but when you try to think critically about it #your brain just repeats the same words with slightly more emphasis #and eventually you just nod along and accept it)

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imasimpwhatcanisay · 3 years

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not "george neg" trending in twitter lol

i mean, i get why he is the one trending from the ~50ish ppl that were there - he has the biggest fanbase i think. so its understandable.

there is genuine criticism there and thats good, really good in fact, but a good portion of that is just plain disgusting. either because they attack him and say vile things (which i wont make fun of cuz i dont wanna repeat them) or because they protect and baby him like he's not a grown ass man. "ooh gogy wogy never left his house in years, he's aloud to go to 1 bd party u haters" - and you know they are the 14 year olds, because they use aloud instead of allowed.

and the other part just try to backseat his life at this point. they literally building their fantasy "george shouldnt ever gone to that party. so he couldve gotten on a plane in august. hes so irresponsible"

like jesus, yes THEY (everyone who was there unmasked) were irresponsible, but not because he can't meet dream and sapnap. they did rapid tests - and afaik in the uk has the ones that if its a false test, its false positive and like very very rarely false neg. so there's that. at least thats not that bad.

but they really could've masked themselves - even if all of them are fully vaxxed - cuz they can still spread covid and with the new delta variant this whole shebang just sounds and looks sketchy.

and i don't think twitter and twitch chat is ready to accept that covid warrior dream has spoken because george won't, and will most likely avoid streaming until mcc - imo ofc. i may be wrong - god let me be wrong pls - but george's damage control and overall attitude to a lot of things (i.e.: editing) is to wait, and pray it goes away. (or he uses his pretty privilege to get dream to do it for him - im still a simp i couldn't stop myself from writing this :/)

[i don't know how to tag this because i know a lot of ppl would rather not see this even accidentally, but i don't know which expression is used here to collectively mute everything regarding that, so i used covid party, cc covid superspreader party, and geenelly bd party. i dont know what else can i use so 🤷]

#georgenotfound #george aint a saint anymore. just for this one post. ill use his a saint in following posts tho :/#gnf #and he aint an angel and aint the best for this one post. ill continue to simp tho which is sad.#george is pretty #george is funny #george is smart #covid party #superspreader #cc covid superspreader party #george im dissapointed. but not mad. i cant be at him for anything. i am a simp what can i say.#geenelly bd party #backseating his life is just weirdchamp #genuine criticism is poggers tho #this is my opinion yall #george neg

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kelieah · 4 years

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fanny packs (peter parker x stark!reader)

summary: tony lets you and peter go out on a “little” shopping spree and immediately regrets it

warnings: fluff, sarcasm, language

edited: ngl i made myself laugh while writing this. just imagine the beginning of this i cant LMFAAOOOO also this is probably stupid but im bored so bare w me

a/n: ik i said im on hiatus but headcanons are quick and easy. plus i cant help but write so hereeee mwah i miss u guys

masterlist

“oh jesus.”

tony mentally imagines himself jumping out the window as he sees you and peter step out the car

the two of you proudly stand there, bright colored fanny packs sitting comfortably on your waists

almost too comfortably

for a moment

m o m e n t

the both of you felt on top of the world

like there’s wind flowing through your hair, and fucking sparkles everywhere or something

if that makes sense

the fanny packs just have that kind of effect

“what?” you grin, placing your hands on your hips

“what the hell is this!” your father exclaims and motions his hands to you and peter

“what?” peter repeats you, a playful smirking growing on his lips

“i give you both enough money to buy a fucking tesla and you come back to the tower with this.”

“yes and?” you retort, crossing your arms

“it’s a fashion statement,” peter huffs

“yeah back in the 80s,” tony rolls his eyes

“well, it’s becoming a thing again!” you retort

“but people where it around their body like a sling bag, not like. whatever the hell you guys are doing. it’s not the 80s or 90s anymore!” tony argues

“but we can dream!” you and peter whine at the same time. you both look at each other and laugh at your unintentional synchronization

“and you two are supposed to be eighteen, please,” tony scoffs and turns around, walking away

tony thought the last time he’d ever see those is when he was 20 something

but then you two just had to ruin that for him

and that was almost 30 years ago

no way i’m that old shut up, age doesn’t exist

can’t imagine cap though lol

#yikes

tony thinks to himself, shaking his head

he prayed he wouldn’t see the two of you walk around the tower with those or he’d literally vomit

literally

couple of days later, he’s in the lab with peter

making some new upgrades to peter’s suit or whatever

“kid pass me a little screw driver please,” tony asks, squinting his eyes at the tech

“got you, mr. stark!”

tony feels actually chills

damn chills

run down his spine as he hears a loud

ZIP

he slowly turns towards peter and sees him pull out the tiny screwdriver out of his fannypack

peter looks up and smiles sheepishly, handing it to him

“get out.”

“but mr. stark-!”

“out.”

“your dad’s a big drama queen,” peter huffs walking over to your room

“what did he do now?” you look up from your phone

“he got mad because i handed him a screwdriver from my fanny pack,” he crosses his arms

“oh peter,” you giggle

couple of days later, you walk by your dad cooking

a very rare sight you might add

“look at this, he’s actually in the kitchen!” you compliment, clapping your hands slowly

“shut up, i’m hungry,” he grumbles and cuts his tomato

“hi hungry,” peter walks in, kissing your cheek causing you to smile

tony groans and rolls his eyes, letting out a hiss as he accidentally cuts his finger

“you okay?” you quickly look back at your dad

“yeah just cut myself because of how cringey that was,” he glares at peter playfully

peter pouts and holds up his hands in defense

“i got a bandaid,” you walk over

“really where-?” your dad looks up at you

you lift up your baggy hoodie to reveal your fanny pack, once again comfortably wrapped around your waist

you unzip it and pull out a cute hello kitty bandaid, “here!” you beam and hand it to him

your dad deadpans and sucks on his finger, walking away

“drama queen!” you yell

“he really does not like fanny packs huh,” peter snickers and wraps his arms around your waist, placing his chin on your shoulder

“guess not.”

“it’s- it’s driving me insane! it’s been almost two weeks and i’ve never seen them take it off! i bet they sleep with it or some shit!” tony paces around the lab, venting to bruce

“i don’t get why it’s bothering you that much, this is hilarious,” he stifles a laugh, sipping his coffee

tony glares at him and taps his foot, “i’d rather find out that she’s pregnant or something.”

“about that,” you step into the lab sheepishly

bruce immediately chokes on his coffee and your dad’s turns completely pale

“i take that back. I TAKE THAT BACK!”

tagging some mutuals / followers who might be interested! @ariistotles @cosmicholland @fallinfortom @tonguetiedholland @petersholland @tombrina @theamazingtomholland @spideyyeet @beverlyparkerr @hermayone @dreamofaprilsblog @notasofti @elsie512 @parkerpeter24 @peterspideysstuff @chloecreatesfictions @hollandsrecs

#kelly's headcanons #kelly's fluff #peter parker #tony stark #marvel #avengers #bruce banner #peter parker fanfiction #peter parker headcanon #peter parker fluff #peter parker imagines #peter parker x reader #peter parker x you #peter parker x y/n #peter parker x stark!reader #tony stark x daughter

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redbelles · 3 years

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💥 joy list: musical edition 💥

tagged by: @mamsellefreeman to make a compilation of 🎶 musical 🎶 things that spark that sweet, sweet serotonin in my soul, so here we go!

realistically, i could make an entire list of just springsteen stuff that brings me joy, but i’m gonna attempt to rein it in and remember that other artists exist? we’ll see how i do! (am i gonna start off with the boss anyway? absolutely yes.)

✨ rosalita by bruce springsteen: specifically this version from the river tour in 1980, because even though it’s far from my favorite springsteen song, it’s almost fifteen minutes of pure chaos! righteous energy! band intros! weird dancing! climbing up on top of an amp and then accidentally falling off it and landing on a roadie! this whole concert is a delight, but god, this really is the kicker

✨ proud mary by tina turner: i love the original by ccr, but tina goes so goddamn hard in her version that it’s genuinely insane. if you haven’t seen her perform it live, check out this version and prepare to be absolutely blown away

✨ juice by lizzo: because lizzo, y’know? she’s transcendent

✨ wagon wheel by darius rucker: first of all this song slaps, but also i have a lot of really fun memories of blasting this while driving across the state with @mamsellefreeman so it’s a feel good song

✨ a quiet time by david ferguson and matt sweeney: it’s such a funky tune and it was the backdrop to such an absolutely hilarious mission in rdr2 that it’s like Instant Joy™ whenever i hear it

✨ the fields of ard skellig by marcin przybyłowicz: another song from a video game soundtrack, this one is quiet and dreamy and so, so perfect for writing. i get a lot of joy out of putting it on repeat and letting myself create to it

✨ goodbye earl by the chicks: [chanting] murder ballad! murder ballad! murder ballad! listen,,,,,,, women murdering an abuser and getting away with it? we love to see hear it (though you can see it, too!)

✨ martha divine by ashley mcbride: yes it’s another murder ballad and no i’m not sorry about it! ashley has a hell of a voice, and honestly how can you not love a song with lines like “i’ve got this feelin’ / and i’ve got this shovel / between me and you and it you’re in a little trouble” and “it ain’t murder if i bury you alive.” oh yeah, and the music video slaps, too!

✨ dancing in the dark by bruce springsteen: i am who i am and we all know this, so of course this last one is bruce, too. “you can’t start a fire without a spark” bruce, baby, you’re so right, something something this sparks joy something something there’s a joke here somewhere and it’s on me

tagging: @timothyolyphant @benjaminbarnes @aryastaark @ninzied @carry-the-sky @neuxue @littlelindentree and anyone else who wants a go 🎉

#dash games #music

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dangerously-human · 2 years

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1 9 15 19 22 24 👀👀👀👀

👀

1. Tell us about your current project(s) – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it? Oh YAY, I love talking about what I'm writing! Because everything I'm actively invested in right now is fanfic, I'm going to limit myself to that; I'll talk more about my original story the next time I come back to it (which I hope is soon, since I finally ironed out some hurdles). A Shifting Cadence is, of course, the Those Binary Stars: Parenthood Edition fic, which I've stalled a little on but I am still very committed to continuing with it. There's part of me that wishes I'd made the existing chapters into their own fic and then the other things I want to write could just be oneshots in that same AU, but... well, this is the structure I kinda backed myself into, so this is what we're going for. I'm looking forward to the challenge of writing interactions between the three Morse sisters, and Joan and Morse's reactions to their antics. The Sparky imprint fic has been where most of my writing energy is going lately. There's a mishap with an Ancient device and John sorta "imprints on" Elizabeth, and then there's all the lovely sci-fi can't-be-separated tropey goodness. I am most looking forward to some quality awkward moments and flirty banter. Even though I have a really good picture of the plot for this one, I'm struggling with the dialogue and interactions in the smaller moments, which is a complete reversal of what I'm used to and I am flummoxed. This is also shaping up to be a larger project than I really wanted to commit to right now, so it's possible I may work on this piecemeal over the next several months and aim to have it ready for Sparktober... but we'll see. Given that I'm stuck on the above, I'm thinking of pivoting to the Sparky colors fic. I thought it would be interesting to write a collection of scenes each inspired by a color of the rainbow, and since Stargate Atlantis is where my head is at most of the time these days, that's where that inspiration is going to be used. Based on the bits and bobs I have collected/drafted so far, I'm thinking it's probably going to be established relationship, which I am hoping will be a little simpler to write than the getting together aspect of the imprint fic. I have tentative plans for all the colors except yellow; the "latter half" of the rainbow (green/blue/purple) is generally more solid thus far. I also have two Community WIPs: one is a couple chapters of sickfic that reflects stages in the development of Jeff and Annie's relationship, and the other is intended to be a post-S6 "Jeff and Annie get together" masterpiece, but might end up just being a collection of smaller works all set in that same post-canon universe as the mood strikes. So far it pretty much just consists of a slightly drunk Jeff launching into an accidental Winger speech to Duncan about how much he's not-so-secretly in love with Annie. Then there's the Endeavour spy AU, which I'm contemplating breaking out into a collection of mini fics around a theme rather than one very plot-heavy larger fic. And I want to add one final chapter to You Know You Can't Chase the Stars Underwater, where Max comes over for dinner and bonds with Joan over gardening. I think that's most of the major WIPs, at least...

9. Are you more of a drabble or a longfic kind of writer? Pantser or plotter? Do you wish you were the other?

Answered here 15. Which is harder: titles or summaries (or tags)? Tags are the freaking worst. I've gotten much better at summaries, especially if there's a line or two I can quote from and then tack on a one-liner explanation. Titles are really frustrating sometimes, but at least I find them interesting to brainstorm (and worst case, I can default to a song lyric). Tags are hard mostly because I never remember trope names, and that always leads me down a rabbit hole. 19. Is there something you always find yourself repeating in your writing? (favourite verb, something you describe ‘too often’, trope you can’t get enough of?) I don't think you could get your start in fandom in the era I did without the lingering temptation to mention character eye color with unnecessary frequency. I was also perturbed to realize I mentioned a character's mouth being "curiously dry" while trying to talk to their crush across two fics for the same dang ship recently, so, ya know, I must have read that phrase enough that it's now implanted in my brain as the default response. Perhaps most of all, I freaking love writing (and reading!) literal sleeping together as a mechanism for comfort; I'm pretty sure I've gotten at least a chapter of it into every fandom I've written for in the last few years, and even have entire fics centered around it. Tbh I would not mind that being the entirety of my fannish reputation, it's good stuff. 22. Do you reread your old works? How do you feel about them? Answered here 24. Would you say your writing has changed over time? I mean, yes, but I also don't see a huge difference in terms of the years I've been writing/posting fanfiction? My original writing has seen more growth, but that's because I've been doing it way longer. I will say that I am finally learning how to do a little bit of plot, which I consider impressive progress.

#personal #writer probs: fanfic edition

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tundrainafrica · 3 years

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Title: Lovebug (2/10)

Summary:

“It might be a bug.”

“A bug?”

“Sometimes the developers of this application make mistakes. This is our first time meeting I’m sure so…Isn’t it a bit weird that we just met for the first time and it rings like this? And for two strangers to coincidentally ring each other’s alarms?“

Levi is the developer of the Love Alarm App and Hange is married to Zeke.

Link to cross-postings: AO3

Other Chapters: 1 3 4 5

Notes: I was torn between publishing the next chapter of lovebug or outlier tonight so I opted to just go for lovebug. I'll post the next chapter of outlier mid next week. As always, feedback is very much appreciated.

“We’re gonna delay the release of our next fix…” Levi repeated, just a little slower that time. He didn’t trust himself then to speak in anything faster or with a tone any louder.

It was too early in the morning for a meeting, just a little past eight in the morning. He was called into Erwin’s office right after arriving into company grounds and Erwin, a natural early bird, was talking louder than what could have been considered bearable for Levi.

At eight in the morning though, not a lot of things were bearable, especially if they involved a huge change of plans and a glaring reminder that he had a long work day ahead of him.

More importantly, Erwin’s voice was grating in a way that most bosses’ voices were grating when laced with a little more urgency than necessary. “Yes Levi, we’re delaying our fixes indefinitely, not just for Love Alarm but all of our other apps as well.”

Levi raised his eyebrows. “Really? You know we’ve been announcing this big fix for months.”

“I’ve contacted the marketing team. We are pushing the fixes back a week. You think that will be enough for you to finish everything you need?”

Levi shook his head. “There’s no need to push back the release. I can work on this bug now and I can have the other developers and the support team work on getting the regression testing done and getting the release out.”

Erwin shook his head. “I do not want to give Mr. Jaeger the impression that we aren’t prioritizing his complaints. Levi, you have to understand. He’s an important client.”

“I understand that. And I will be on top of things. I’m testing this issue myself.” Most days, Levi left the testing option to the support team. Given the nature of the bug though and the severe urgency of getting it fixed, it had been an easy decision for Levi to take it upon himself.

Erwin hummed in approval. “Yes and I’m happy to hear that you're going to be investigating this bug. I would rather that we didn’t release anything while investigating this.”

“May I ask why? This bug doesn’t involve any of our other functionalities. I can test this myself.”

Erwin hummed. “Zeke Jaeger is an unpredictable man. I don’t think he would appreciate us improving our product while such a glaring bug still exists. He is a very vocal and he might give us some bad press.”

“Oh?” Levi heard the derision in his own tone then, a smooth yet venomous sound. Zeke Jaeger had been outwardly friendly yet for some reason Levi couldn’t explain just yet. He wasn’t at all drawn by the charisma that accompanied it. In fact, the blonde had just been annoying and the conversation only cemented Levi’s first impression of Zeke Jaeger as bad, maybe even terrible.

What the hell does Hange see in him? He added to himself then. How that had entered his own contemplations then, he didn’t know. He quickly brushed it away and mustered the most seemingly uninvested face he could make then.

Erwin had that special talent of seeming uninvested either. As he settled on the sofa in front of Levi, he mixed the coffee just a little too loudly. He had an aura about him that very much meant business. “Have you done some prior investigation?”

“I did,” Levi said. As he soon found out, that aura was contagious.

“Anything new?”

“I’m entertaining the idea that what if…. The application is working fine?”

“Can you explain why his partner had two hearts while he had none?”

Levi cleared his throat. “Assuming the application is working perfectly, we can draw two conclusions. One, someone in love with Hange Zoe had their application on and Two, Hange Zoe isn’t in love with Zeke Jaeger.” That last conclusion couldn’t have easily been true, but still such words left such a sweet aftertaste in Levi’s mouth that he had to make some considerable effort not to smile.

Erwin raised his eyebrows inquisitively. “Any leads on whose application could have been on?”

It had taken some strength, some self confidence and some self discipline on Levi’s side to pull his phone out then. “My love alarm was on yesterday, I forgot to turn it off after the demo…” He navigated to the ‘history’ tab and opened his history to the exact time to late afternoon yesterday.

One person nearby is in love with you. Levi read silently to himself. In that split second, he was contemplating display issues and front end bugs that maybe just maybe accidentally chalked Hange’s heart as ‘love.’ It was highly unlikely though so even before that idea had ripened into something worth an explanation and a support ticket, Levi brushed it aside.

“So your application was on the whole time.” Erwin murmured, looking intently at the phone in front of him.

Levi nodded. “But it’s a good step in the right direction. That means there’s a bug to investigate after all. I just have to isolate it to either Hange Zoe’s application build or mine,” he explained.

“That seems promising and do you need any help organizing a meeting with her.”

“She’s coming today for a little testing.”

“Just like my best engineer to think a few steps ahead.” Erwin asked, a smile curling up his lips. “And you think you can get it done within a week?”

“If all goes well… Even less than a week.”

***

It had turned out that that small meeting had worked well to organize Levi’s thoughts. He had a quick action plan from there and with an action plan, a new burst of motivation, or at least enough of it to carry him from Erwin’s room to his own small office space in a little less than five minutes.

A week to investigate. Levi thought to himself as he leaned back on his office chair. He looked back up at the ceiling for a good few seconds before writing his deadline down on the white board next to him.

He didn’t need that whiteboard, their workflow trackers and excel sheets worked well to always keep Levi in the right state of mind. Yet there was something organic about white boards, something natural about being able to write the numbers with his own hand, freely changing his fonts with just the slight of the hand, impulsively changing formats at just a quick motion.

So he kept it there next to him, a large annoying waste of space to most people. But Levi had taken great pains to make it look organized in his room, measuring each frame to the millimeter. It was a large clean slate right next to his desk in his very small office. And more importantly, it was something that was very much his to play around with like he wanted to.

Under the deadline, he put the new release date of their fix.

We’re delaying the release of the next fix by a week.

Such wise words from someone who didn’t know how the investigation process actually worked. But with an employee and boss relationship, emphasis on Levi being the employee, he had to make it work. That’s how it had always been in the office. Erwin wasn’t a developer. He was a manager. And Levi was being paid by him.

Levi though never liked the idea of delaying fix releases. Once the date was announced, he liked to make sure all of the quality assurance testing and the regression testing was done two weeks ahead. And with that habit becoming custom for the Love Alarm project, he was sure they would have managed to make the release next week. Staring at the workflow interface, he noted the bar was more than half full already, most bugs were tagged as fix. All test builds were submitted and passed and they could have easily moved on to the final regression testing before release.

And regression testing never actually failed. The Love Alarm app after all was a very functionally simple application.

With the weight of a wasted timely release and the powerlessness of corporate politics bare on his back, Levi let out a long sigh.

He opened up his slack channel and typed out a few words.

We’re delaying the next fix release.

But it wouldn’t just be the Love Alarm which would be affected, all the other applications would be affected as well. His notifications exploded within five seconds, all feedback from each time. Levi started to wonder, maybe he should have put everything in one message.

So he edited his old message.

We’re pushing it back a week.

Under that, he put a new date and time as a reminder to all other employees. There were many why’s, many protests and his application continued to shake with notifications.

He checked the time on his phone. Hange had agreed to meet at nine and she should be texting soon. With little to no brains pace to create a summary of his meeting with Erwin in less than ten minutes, Levi typed out two words.

Erwin’s orders. Without waiting for anymore protests, he closed his laptop, packed up his things and ready to move to the small conference room he had reserved for him and Hange.

It was a few floors below. A small room among others but Levi was familiar enough with the layout of their offices to know it was very much soundproof.

Any unwelcome alarms, unwelcome notifications and unwelcome conversations would stay in that room. Even before Levi had dropped off his things in the conference room, Hange had already texted.

Her car was by the gate already.

Meet in the lobby. Levi texted back as he quickened his pace, quickly turning back towards the elevator, laptop bag still in hand.

He could have been too slow. Or Hange could have just been too fast but by the time he had arrived in the lobby, she was already on one of the seats next to the reception, playing around with her phone.

She was wearing a light sweater, her brown hair was pulled up messily into a half ponytail. Levi though had to note that it still looked very much like it fell into place. For a second, he had given her a good onceover, admiring everything at once.

Only a split second later, he was cruelly reminded that he had made her wait, long enough for her to have to sit down in one of the lobby sofas. “How long were you waiting?” It wouldn’t have been the first greeting Levi would have liked to give then. His heart was racing though and soon he realized, maybe he had taken up the unnecessary challenge of jogging down those five flights of stairs while keeping his laptop safely in tow.

Hange looked up from her phone seeming surprised. “Are you busy? Was this a bad time to visit?” Hange asked. “We could reschedule... “

More and more, the first greeting then was seeming less and less ideal. “No, no. This is great. I don’t know what just came over me. Thank you for taking the time to test this bug with me.”

Hange shook her head. “No, no, I asked my partner to invest in this application for a reason. I see great potential and I’d be happy to tweak some of those bugs with you.” Her lips widened into a smile. “So what’s the game plan?”

Levi gestured towards the elevators. “We do some simple testing. I just need to isolate the cause of this bug.”

“Oh? How does application testing work?”

“We use the application,” Levi answered matter-of-factly. Was there any other way to test it? It didn’t seem like something he should be asking the very important partner of a very important person though so Levi kept that last question to himself, instead keeping his face then as something both subtle and questioning.

“That’s cool,” Hange said. “So how’s your job?”

“It’s fine,” Levi answered. “The investigation will keep me busy.” He stared at the numbers on the elevator, getting lower and lower and Levi could have sworn it couldn’t go any slower. He could have found some consolation if anybody else had joined them in the elevator then, to at least abate that awkward need to carry some conversation between them.

Any other employees though had chosen for themselves to wait in front of other elevators. Levi was almost considering doing the same thing.

After all, Hange was talkative. She was asking questions. When they entered the elevator together, the very slow elevator, there would be more than enough time to send two to three questions back and forth. And Levi was quick to realize, he was an incredibly boring person.

“So do you have any hobbies?”

“Programming.” What about you? Levi had readied himself to ask in that long split second of silence that followed.

Hange though was quick to respond even before he could take control of the conversation. “Well aside from your actual job.”

“I like to clean,” Levi answered. He started to wonder how dorky that hobby sounded like. He needed to rephrase. “I meant--- organize things…” He added a second later. “Like Marie Kondo.”

“Oh yes, I’ve heard about her,” Hange said. She had at least allowed for a split second silence then, long enough for Levi to take the reins of the conversation.

Hange though was a high profile person, her partner was one of the richest men in the country and Levi’s mind was racing with hypotheticals. Was it okay to ask her about her hobbies? Her interests? Or was that supposed to be an exclusively professional meeting?

Soon, with all the questions nagging at him at once, he unearthed a question at the back of his mind that he had been meaning to ask since he had met Hange down at the lobby.

So how’s your husband?

Where’s your husband? Do you hang out with him often? Do you usually do stuff alone? A question that couldn’t so easily be answered by a single google search on an incognito window, only that night, he had tried searching keywords just to be sure.

Hange Zoe Zeke Jaeger Relationship

And soon after searching that just once. He had made sure to clear his browser history just in case he didn’t do it in some incognito window. After all, night mode and incognito mode had almost the same interface.

He soon found out though after jumbling around keywords over a search engine that Google wasn’t omnipotent as it turned out. The only one who could have satisfied his curiosity at that moment was the brunette next to him then.

He couldn’t bring himself to ask it just then though. So he went for another question, a very vanilla one but it seemed like a safe bet. “What about you?”

“What about me? What do you mean about me?”

Levi was starting to doubt the flow of the conversation of a while ago. Did he remember it correctly?

The elevator dinged like it was announcing some coming of a messiah. That had been more than enough to break the awkwardness of that exchange and Levi quickly slammed the open elevator door, just a little more loudly than usual. He gestured for Hange to go ahead.

“Hobbies,” Levi said as he met her outside the elevator.

“I like research,” Hange answered.

“Is that your full time job?” Levi asked. He didn’t need to ask. He had read more than enough articles of Zeke Jaeger’s partner to have seen ‘neuropsychologist’ used as an epithet enough to be convinced that that was her full time job. The last thing he wanted to do though was actually accidentally imply in a conversation that he had googled a few keywords for answers before clearing his browser history.

Hange nodded. “Yes it is.”

“Well… Hobbies aside from your actual job?” Levi asked. He kept his own word usage and his own phrasing similar to what Hange had used with him. If Hange asked it that way, that should have been a socially acceptable way to ask.

“I like plants,” Hange said firmly. She wasn’t looking at him. Although Levi had wanted to see the face she was making then, he started to realize that craning his neck to get a good view of her face might just look a little too weird.

So he settled for her side profile. From his view he could see eyes were everywhere at once from the hallways to the doorways just a little further away from the area that opened up as soon as they exited the elevator. “Where are we going?”

“Over here,” Levi said, he was quick to pull her towards the other side though, before she found out that he had taken a good few steps already in the wrong direction. “The conference room is over here…”

“We have a meeting?” Hange asked, her voice suddenly very tense.

“No, it’s nothing like that. I just thought it would be better that I reserved a room, so we could do some testing where we wouldn’t bother anyone.”

She let out a sigh of relief. “That’s good. I thought I was supposed to be preparing something.”

In those few minutes, he had made her wait, made her navigate some awkward conversation and made her panic. Then and there as he led her to the room, he was guessing what kind of dashing review she’d be giving Zeke about their first meet up.

More importantly, was he giving a great second impression? It was nine in the morning, too early for him to be confident that he was a fully functioning human being. Or so, that was what he repeated to himself then. He could make up for it after lunch.

Hange settled on one of the chairs nearest to the door. “Do we sit together?” She asked. The meeting room was designed for a maximum of ten people and for a good few seconds, he wondered if he should have gotten something much smaller.

Even before he had figured it out for himself, he was looking between sitting right next to her or towards the other side of the room. They weren’t married. Could he sit beside someone who was married?

But if he sat too far, he might not be able to hear her. He went for a very safe in between. He dropped his laptop bag on the seat next to her with some flourish, as if to say, he was married to his job and he was happy with that arrangement before sitting on the seat right next to his bag.

There was a bag between them, they were a safe distance away and Levi pulled his laptop out and booted it up. “I’m suspecting that the issue with your application might be the build. Can you redownload it for me?” He asked. The laptop had been a reminder at least that they were there for business. And business meant that they had a topic of conversation and he had practiced that script enough times to know, he probably didn’t sound like an idiot.

“Are we testing now?” Hange pulled her phone from her bag.

“Yes we are. Just download the app from the app store. I need to confirm that this isn't just your build in particular being faulty,” Levi brought out his own phone, deleted the application from the folder before redownloading it into his phone.

The ‘downloading’ message next to the love alarm application served some form of inspiration for conversation topics at least. “So, how does your husband like the app?” Levi asked. That line was straight from the basic customer service manual and he was very much sure that was acceptable territory for a professional conversation topic.

“Ahh Zeke? He loves the application. He told me himself, he sees potential in it too.”

Did he tell you over dinner? Over car rides? Somehow, Levi was picturing them over a happy dinner in their European style dining room in their very expensive penthouse apartment down town. He knew how it looked. He had seen it in one of the lifestyle articles he had googled just the night before. “That’s good,” Levi said, he felt that comment catch at his throat. He cleared his throat. “The bug... How does he feel about it?”

Hange’s face fell at that. Subtly at least, but with Levi had been staring at her for the past few seconds, it was very much noticeable as a split second movement. “Yeah, about that…”

“Did he say anything about it?”

“We did research on the application last night… And we were theorizing… so the heart could have been from him… and from someone else right? Someone else had their application open then. And he was saying it was you.” Hange’s eyes were wide with disbelief. “But I remember you said, it could be a bug right? And I’m sure you turned off your phone before we tested it…”

“And we’re testing again,” Levi said as he opened the newly downloaded application on his phone. “Log into your account.” He ordered, looking pointedly at Hange’s phone.

The biometrics were already in his account, all he needed was to log his fingerprints again. Levi took a glance at Hange’s phone laid out on the table.

She had gone through the log in process quickly. He turned the love alarm on and rested his chin on his hands and waited. Hange only needed a few seconds. Soon she had turned it on.

And within a second, her phone buzzed then his phone buzzed. It did wonders to shake the whole table then, enough for Levi to have to grit his teeth as the table shook sending a bolt of shivers up to his chin.

He could have sworn he felt blood rush to his face then. He quickly turned off the alarm. “It might be a problem with our phones. I”ll bring down some test devices and we can try this again. He avoided Hange’s gaze only brushing his hands on her shoulders long enough to make his point known. “Just wait here.”

Hange mumbled something with a seemingly obedient tone. Levi didn’t bother to guess. He quickly made his way out of the room, up the stairs--- he was in no mood to run into anyone in the elevator.

It had taken him roughly ten minutes to go back up to the office and come back down with a bag full of gadgets. He dropped the bag on the meeting table, maybe a little too loud and a little too roughly. “These are the most common gadgets used for testing the love alarm. They’ve all been factory reset so just set any one of them up and we try the application again.”

Hange seemed frozen with surprise, at the least she had managed a nod.

Setting up the device was a simple process and Hange didn’t ask too much about it. She had at least kept quiet through the whole ordeal and although it was second nature for Levi to set up a device, he made sure to keep his head down, his eyes intent, feigning deep concentration.

Or maybe he needed to concentrate. His hands were shaking just a little bit, his heart was racing.

He was sure he only needed to try it one different device, one commonly used model for both of their phones to rule out any problems with build or model. It was a decisive move.

And the climax of such a process came once again when Hange had motioned to click the love alarm again before looking up at him. Before they even met eyes, Levi clicked the on button on his end.

It was at the moment when the alarms rang in unison again did Hange avert her gaze. Levi bit his lip as he stared back at his phone.

One person nearby is in love with you.

He glanced up, at Hange’s phone. Although he couldn’t make out the words on it, the characteristic heart near the center was enough. She was getting the same heart.

He grabbed the phone from her. “It might be related to the model,” Levi said, Years of experience working with applications and phones were telling him, it wasn’t related. One working phone was more than enough proof. Looking at the watch at the end of the meeting room, he saw it was far from lunch time, he had at least ten devices in the bag. “Let’s try it on other phones… Just to be sure.”

***

“Levi, what if…”

“What if…” Levi nodding his head at Hange slowly, a subtle gesture for her to continue speaking.

For lunch, they had settled for one of the diner just along the wide shopping streets only a few minutes walk from the building.

An eventful few minutes walk. Levi had turned on his love alarm, put an earbud to one ear and listened to the alarm ring on repeat as he followed Hange through the streets. There were a few other notifications that popped up and left as he listened. But the ringing coming from that one heart which he had already surmised long ago, was from Hange’s heart had settled into even the cadence of his steps. It became an ubiquitous part of the short walk to the shopping street.

When they had settled in the diner though, Hange was quick to drop her phone in front of him and show him the history of her application. On her phone, there was one heart that remained steadfast through the whole ten minute walk as well.

At that moment, Hange pointed at it, then glanced quickly at Levi’s own phone. “What if… You are attracted to me. And I’m attracted to you? Because this love alarm, it doesn’t just check love right? It checks attractiveness. So if a passer by thinks you’re attractive, your alarm rings,” Hange said.

Levi leaned back on the diner behind him, picking at his fries with a fork. He couldn’t bring himself to eat one, just the results of their testing that morning had him losing his appetite. Consequently, he had ordered the burger meal at the front of the menu, something he was in no mood to eat.

“So maybe…” Hange said.

“Hange, we just met. During all the tests. I have never made anyone’s love alarm ring. Besides, I don’t think I’d be the type of guy to get attracted to someone at first glance. I don’t believe in love at first sight.” And someone who’s married at that. If Levi had something in his mouth then as that thought ran through his mind, he was sure he would have choked. He was more grateful than ever that he hadn’t started eating.

“But, we saw it already… The application was giving the same reading and when we were walking too… It never stopped ringing…” Hange explained. Still she looked like she was still finding the right words.

Levi understood her clearly though. “Hange, are you in love with me?”

Hange turned a bright red. “What? No, I'm married. Also, we just met and I don’t believe in love at first sight either”

“So do you believe there’s a bug?”

Hange nodded. “Maybe? Or maybe the data you put into the application was flawed. Maybe there are things that need to be improved.”

“That is a good point. So what do you suggest then Hange?”

“I’ll help you research. I pitched this application to Zeke because I wanted to try rolling something out similar to hospitals, psychiatric units. And if he invests maybe we could improve the application, work to make it more accurate?”

“That’s the plan. But he said so himself, he’s not going to invest in the application until the bug is fixed.”

“But what if it is working as expected… What if it’s just a matter of fixing the data?” Hange looked out the window, seeming deep in thought. Levi wondered if that last question had been for him or for herself.

“I can do further testing on this. Just to make sure,” Levi said. “The problem is… How are you gonna convince Zeke to invest in this?”

Hange sighed. “I guess it's going to be a question of timing. I'll catch him when he's in a good mood and--”

“Hange, are you willing to admit to your husband that you might just be attracted to some stranger?”

That shouldn't have been such a difficult thing. He had heard before of married couples who window shopped so Levi amended that question in his mind.

Are you willing to admit to your seemingly unhinged husband that you might just be attracted to some stranger?

***

Sometimes, the only way to find the bug is to break the application.

Levi and Hange got caught in the lunch time rush. But Hange wasn’t a typical worker, Levi wasn’t a typical eight to five employee either.

So Levi saw opportunity for a little test. “Open your love alarm,” he whispered. He put one earbud to his ear, motioning for Hange to do the same. He turned on the application once again, letting the shill ring grace his ears one again.

It was annoying at first, but over time, he had started to see it as an old friend. He was far from the denial stage already and he was already threading the lines of acceptance.

He was a developer. He had fucked up the coding and a bug had appeared. And that issue, it was a bug for sure, a bug he needed to investigate.

And any opportunity for data and evidence, was an opportunity he couldn’t waste.

“We walk through the lunch crowd,” Levi said. “Usually when I walk through, I get two to three rings. Sometimes more. There have been issues before that getting too many at once, sometimes the application would conceal all the hearts and the only way to get it to work again is to reset the application.”

“So what do we do?” Hange asked.

“Turn on your application and we walk through the crowds,” Levi repeated matter-of-factly.

The crowds around him though were disconcerting and he could understand how Hange would have needed some guidance then.

What did she know about testing? When Levi asked himself that question, he started to pick out another question too. What did he know about testing?

He was an engineer and he had been working with applications for years. He had experienced a lot about testing. But he had never experienced testing with a customer married to one of the biggest opportunities of a company and being accused of being in love with her by his own brain child.

He was treading unfamiliar grounds.

The ringing of the alarm was always unsettling at first. By the fifth ring, it always found a rhythm. Or maybe it was his own brain that found rhythm in it.

And he walked to that rhythm, he pushed past the crowds to that rhythm and every two to three rings, he would take a glance to see Hange beside him, her face had settled to some rhythm too. Sometimes, she would look back at him, other times she would look behind her, as if she suspected someone had set her alarm off.

But he had become part of her rhythm too. From his peripherals, he could see she snuck glances at him. Very quick glances that Levi had been perceptible, invested enough to notice.

They could have been walking for five minutes, or maybe even ten. Soon, Levi realized, the love alarm had embedded itself into the background noise, an annoying ring amid faint voices, conversations, public announcements.

It had only seemed loud once again when the street had opened up to an open space at the center.

In front of them was an empty park, and it usually was empty when the lunch crowds had made their way back to their offices. Levi had worked there long enough to know.

The chaos of the alarm had subsided into one noise. He turned to Hange to see that she was looking up at the sky then, one hand over her forehead, shading the view from the bright afternoon sun.

The light from the sun had done wonders to make her cheeks look a bright pink and for a second or so, Levi just stared, long enough for Hange to have noticed. Or maybe it was her plan to look to him eventually.

“Did it stop?” Levi asked as soon as he became aware of those hazel eyes on him. He averted his gaze and looked around the empty park. Nobody should be ringing his alarm. Nobody should be ringing her alarm. But them.

It should have been a win-win situation. If that had worked to break the application, Levi could have clocked that as the bug and investigated that instead. If it worked as expected, if the two applications continued to ring, then maybe it was working.

His alarm was still ringing. He did a thorough 360 of the park. No one was near enough to even meet the ten meter radius. Just to be sure though he turned to Hange. “Anyone around our ten meter radius?”

The park was empty save for one old man on a bench a good distance away, definitely more than ten meters. He hoped it had sounded like a redundant question.

Hange shook her head. “Nobody. But the application is still ringing.”

“Did it stop at all? During the walk?”

Once again, Hange shook her head.

Levi took a deep breath and dropped his shoulders back. “Erwin gave me a week to figure this out. I’ll do some of my own personal investigation after this.”

“Hey, I’ll do what I can too. I really want you to get those funds.” Hange took her hands in his and Levi had half the mind to pull away. If her hands weren’t so soft and maybe a little too warm even for a cool spring day.

Levi had been almost disappointed when Hange dropped his hand and turned back to her phone. Just ‘almost’ though. They just met, he couldn’t be too invested in hands.

So he thought back once again to backend work to the numbers that made up the love alarm. And he thought of Hange’s little suggestion. “You said something about flawed data right?”

***

“My plan is I’m gonna see if I can convince Zeke to take up that love alarm,” Hange said.

“No need to hurry. I have a week to get it working,” Levi muttered. He wasn’t looking at Hange then. His laptop was propped on his lap and he was looking through open support tickets.

They had a support team and being a developer, answering customer queries wasn’t his job. At that rate though, he was looking for anything to keep him busy. Zeke would be coming to pick up Hange and the last thing he wanted to be was free enough to stare at them.

“I have some books on love, I could send them over,” Hange suggested

Levi looked up from his laptop. The support ticket on ‘how to download the app’ was not very interesting after all and he found reason once again to stare at Hange’s bright hazel eyes. “Why would I need books about love?”

“You seem… inexperienced with love?” Hange started. She seemed unsure with that answer.

“Inexperienced with love?” Levi narrowed his eyes at her.

“Allergic to love,” Hange repeated. “so I thought it might help if you read on them.”

“Why would you care if I read them?”

“If we’re gonna work together to improve the accuracy of your alarm, I think you should learn. I’ll do my part too. I’ll learn a bit of coding.”

Levi shrugged. “Send them over then. I’ll look through them if I have time. First things first, I need to get a little more testing done.”

“They might be useful for testing. Or maybe they’ll be able to help you pick out which sensations in particular point to love.”

“I loaded the data. I would know,” Levi said.

Hange raised one eyebrow at him in playful suspicion. It had done some magic in helping Levi recall that all he remembered were the numbers and some hints about sweating, palpitations and some quickening paces. But machines had a tendency of learning more about the users over time.

“Maybe I’ll read one or two before bed," he added a second later.

“Great. Then I’ll do my homework too. I’ll see what I can get from Zeke. Hopefully I can convince him to invest, even with the bug.”

“You have my number---” Just update me. Before Levi could let those words out, he had fallen back into that support ticket about that one person not knowing how to download the application.

It was still a boring and stupid support ticket. But when Zeke had padded into the lobby like he owned the place with a butler in tow, Levi decided that the idiot of a ticket was still a better view than Zeke at that moment.

“Thank you for picking me up,” Hange said in an almost melodic tone, a tone that made Levi’s ears bleed.

“My meeting ended early and I don’t think we had a good dinner since last week. What did you have for lunch?”

“Burgers and fries.”

“Burgers and fries? Hange, I gave you more than enough money for a good meal." Zeke sounded mortified.

Levi froze. He had suggested the diner for its strategic location. He found himself running his right hand slowly over his wallet in his front pocket. He was sure he had the money for anything more expensive.

“It was good.”

“Well, I’ll make sure we get something better tonight. There’s a new restaurant, just outside town, they sell the pink fatty tuna and Kobe beef imported straight from Japan, same day shipping apparently so it’s definitely the freshest we can get here. What do you think?”

“That sounds great,” Hange said.

She had said it in such a tone, a tone she had never used with Levi before. Like she was tasting the food as she spoke of it. Of course she wouldn’t use it on you. You just met her. Levi thought to himself. As he willed himself to get back to his senses, he realized the ticket was still untouched. Although he had been staring at it since a while ago, he hadn’t made any progress at all.

He looked up at Hange then at Zeke. “Apologies for only taking her to a diner. Next time, I’ll make sure to take her somewhere a little…” Rich, expensive, snazzy, exclusive, snobby? Too many adjectives were running through his head then but Levi settled for something seemingly more professional, or as professional as he could go. “More your tastes.”

“That would be very much appreciated,” Zeke said. He took one of Levi’s hands in his, too suddenly and too forcefully that Levi had to smack his laptop to keep it balanced on his lap. “Thank you again for taking very good care of my Hange here.” He had slipped a hundred dollar bill in between Levi’s hands and maybe he had expected Levi to smile and say ‘thank you.’

And most days, Levi was polite enough to have mustered one but his ears were still ringing, not from hearing the love alarm non stop that day but from those last words Zeke had said.

My Hange.

Hange waved, motioning with her hands to ‘text soon,’ then she turned her back on him.

Levi couldn't’ even get a good view of Hange as she walked away. Soon enough, Zeke had wrapped one arm around her shoulders. From Levi's angle, he couldn’t tell whether Hange had pushed closer to him or Zeke was the one who pulled her closer.

For a second longer, he pondered it. Of course Zeke would pull her closer, that’s his Hange. Of course Hange would move closer to him, she’s his.

Levi looked back at the support ticket, he had opened again.

How to download application. Please help.

He closed his eyes and leaned back on the sofa. He closed all his open tabs before laying his eyes again on the empty draft.

Within seconds, he had closed that tab as well. There were larger issues then than a customer not being able to download an application.

***

Hange had sent books about love in a drive folder and she had emailed it to him. When Levi opened it, he was quick to figure out, they were all self help books

Scott Peck? He could have sworn he had heard that name somewhere and when he opened it, he found the book was hundreds of pages long. He didn’t have the attention span for that.

Maybe I’ll read one or two before bed. He had promised Hange that evening. But he didn’t actually have to read it right?

So instead, Levi googled the summary.

Genuine love is volitional rather than emotional. The person who truly loves does so because of a decision to love. This person has made a commitment to be loving whether or not the loving feeling is present. ...Conversely, it is not only possible but necessary for a loving person to avoid acting on feelings of love.

Levi was quick to close it after that. If that concept of love was real, that would defeat the whole purpose of the love alarm. The last thing he had wanted to do so late at night was invalidate his own brain child.

“Book one for the night. Done,” Levi whispered to himself as he opened the next book on file.

Before you love others, you must learn to love yourself.

“Cliche,” Levi said. But soon after reading it, he turned back to the application on his phone. He turned it on to see an empty blue screen void of hearts. There wouldn’t be hearts, he was alone in his apartment.

He thought back to Hange’s mention of flawed data. He thought back to the alarm that wouldn’t stop ringing. They had been testing it that whole day, there was nothing wrong with the application and the developer in Levi knew there weren't any glaring bugs.

But the testing would continue. He hadn’t completely tested all the scenarios after all. The alarm ringed with Hange but would it have alarmed with anybody else? His five years worth of experience testing the application told him 'no.'

Or maybe he just hadn’t been actively looking for the right people.

Even at night, the gears in his mind managed to turn and soon, he had a plan albeit a vague one. But the first few steps were clear at least. Levi navigated to his play store and typed a few words on the screen. A few minutes later, he was downloading an application with a familiar flame icon on the screen.

He took a deep breath. "This is part of the testing process," he muttered to himself. He was gonna be spending the whole night swiping.

#levihan #levihan fanfiction

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