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thiswaytwoinfinity · 25 days

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it’s a bad idea, right? - part 1: can’t two people reconnect

Jake “Hangman” Seresin x reader • inspired by sleeping with other people

Warnings: no use of y/n or physical description of reader except they have hair that can be tucked behind their ears, implied smut, this chapter is fine but future installments will be 18+

It’s finally here! Thank you to everyone for being so supportive and patient about this fic; I was dealing with some rough personal stuff and lost all my inspiration but it’s back now and I’m happy to be writing about everyone’s favorite cocky flyboy.

There’s something about a sticky summer night when you’re 22 that makes you feel more alive than you’ve ever been.

It’s the third bar that your new roommates have dragged you to tonight, there’s a cocktail sweating in your hand and the bass from the stereo thudding through your head. You’re not sure if the grin on your face is from the watching all of the wannabe cowboys go flying off the mechanical bull in mere milliseconds or from the possibilities of newfound adulthood laid out in front of you. In this moment, it’s hard to imagine that you were ever scared about moving halfway across the country — away from your family, your hometown and your high school sweetheart who always thought you’d move home after college — to Austin.

In this moment, you feel free. You feel invincible. You feel like this is a night you’ll remember for the rest of your life.

“Okay, the bar is a madhouse but I managed to get another round!” Anna shouts as she makes her way back to the table, tossing her long dark hair behind her before plopping the tray of shots down in front of you and your new friends. “And there’s a new rule!”

Everyone groans in unison; Anna loves to make up drinking games, handing out shots and beers with a new rule or bet that is guaranteed to leave someone embarrassed before the night’s over.

“Oh, stop. Shit like this is how we become lifelong best friends, trust me, I read about it online,” she fires back, rolling her eyes and handing shots to you and the three other girls at the table before taking one in hand. “It’s simple. Last one to finish their shot has to ride the mechanical bull.”

“Bitch, are you trying to kill us?” Erin asks, shooting a sideways glance at Katie, who’s eyeing up her shot glass like she’s trying to strategize the best way to drink it. The two of them are sisters — “Irish twins, it’s a whole thing,” Erin explained when you first moved in — are hyper-competitive and curse like sailors. You loved them instantly.

Your tiny hope of not being the one to end up on the bull dies when you look over at Taylor, who managed to throw back her tequila when nobody was watching. “What?!” she asks, curls bobbing in the bun on top of her head as she takes in everyone’s looks of confusion and frustration. “Anna never said we had to start at the same time.”

It’s like a starting pistol went off at the end of her sentence because before you know it, Erin and Katie are both biting into limes while Anna is swallowing down the liquor with a grimace. Shit.

You do your best to catch up but it’s too late. You, the girl who grew up nowhere near Texas and have never actually seen a bull in real life, are going to have to ride one in front of this entire bar.

Years later you won’t remember the details of the bet, how your friends whooped and hollered as you made your way over to the bull with shaky knees or how the operator took pity on you when you immediately slid off and offered you a second try. The song that was playing is lost to time, as is the actual feeling of riding the bull for a whole half second.

What you will remember, though, is sliding across the tarp to rest right by a group of athletic looking guys and the strong, tan hand that reached down to help you stand up.

You’ll remember the backwards Longhorns cap on his head, the way his green eyes flashed with amusement and the blinding white of his smile as he helped you to your feet, hand lingering just a moment too long in yours. You’ll remember the way it felt like someone had set off fireworks inside of you, fingers tingling where they touched his skin and your stomach swooping like you were on a roller coaster.

You’ll remember exactly what he said to you: “Well, that was definitely the most entertaining attempt of the night.”

You giggled, a little dazed by his chiseled features, by the way he seemed to only see you in that moment, by the force of his charisma.

“I’m Jake. What’s your name, beautiful?”

For a Thursday night, the Hard Deck was surprisingly packed.

The Daggers had managed to claim their usual spot by the pool table, but despite their cramped quarters they practically had to shout over the sounds of drunken sailors and the oldies blasting out of the jukebox to be heard. The table next to Bob was crowded with beer bottles, the bespectacled WSO having waved off Penny when she stopped by to clear them, promising the group would clean up after themselves. Natasha and Bradley were in the middle of some kind of dumb darts competition, being heckled by Bob and a tipsy Rueben, who had his arm slung around the former’s shoulders for balance.

Jake took in the scenery, smug grin on his face, before sinking his final pool ball with a flourish.

“And that’s game, gentlemen,” he said, turning to Javy and Mickey, who were shaking their heads with frustration.

“Can’t believe I let you talk me into betting against him,” Mickey sighed, shuffling through his wallet for a $20 bill. Javy just shrugged and threw a playful punch against his friend’s shoulder, before asking for a rematch.

“Let that be a lesson, Fanboy,” Jake chuckled, making a big show of examining the bill before pocketing it. “Never bet against Jake Seresin. They call me a golden boy for a reason.”

“Who’s ‘they?’ Everyone we know just calls you a dick,” Nat called out, making her way back to the table for her drink. Taking a look at the chaos on the table, she rolled her eyes before starting to gather up a handful of empty bottles. “C’mon, Fanboy. Help me clear some of these and I’ll buy you a beer to drown your sorrows in.”

He ran over to help, allowing Javy to slide over to Jake and elbow his buddy in the side.

“10 o’clock, there’s a whole table of pretty ladies. The blonde’s had her eye on you all night and her friend with the locs is crazy hot,” he murmured, as Jake took a subtle look over at the table in question. 5 or 6 women were crammed into a booth, and judging by the tiara on one of their heads, they were out celebrating a birthday. “Wingman?” the younger aviator asked, holding out his fist for Jake to bump it.

For a half second, he contemplated turning his best friend down.

It wasn’t like Jake wasn’t attracted to the blonde, who was, indeed making eyes at him from across the room. She was exactly his type, all bright smiles and smokey bedroom eyes, her curves and long legs poured into tight jeans. She had an air of confidence that made it clear she knew just how hot she was.

He knew that if he strolled over and gave her his best All-American smile and some of that Southern charm, he could probably win her over. They’d flirt and dance a bit and then he’d drive them back to one of their places, have some decent-to-excellent sex and he’d be asleep shortly after midnight.

It seemed fun. It seemed obvious. It seemed, quite honestly, a little boring to him.

Maybe it was because he turned 35 a few months ago and the idea of going home to his own bed after a night out was starting to seem more and more appealing to him. Maybe it was because he spent so much time trying to convince his fellow Daggers that he wasn’t a complete asshole that he didn’t want to risk them changing their minds again.

Or maybe he was just a little jealous.

Jake would see the way Rueben’s face lit up when he talked about his wife, how he would brag about every milestone his 3-year-old daughter was reaching. He felt awkward about his lack of wedding knowledge when a pink-eared Bob would ask the squad for their opinion on something for his upcoming nuptials. He’d try to ignore the weird sinking feeling in his stomach when he’d overhead Nat and Mickey picking out a restaurant for their weekly brunch double date with their respective girlfriends.

And despite the fact that he had spent most of his adult life doing whatever he could to avoid those kinds of situations, now he was starting to wonder if maybe … maybe he’d be a little happier if he had been able to settle down with someone of his own.

Oof. That thought made Jake’s chest tighten uncomfortably. So he pushed it down, smiled as wide as he could and first bumped Javy. “Wingmen for life, Coyote. Lead the way.”

If you had to spend one more minute squeezed up against this bar, wedged between a couple aggressively making out and a trio of rowdy Navy men who were trying to sing along to Queen, you were going to scream.

“Just come for a drink or two. This place is super chill for a Navy bar, I promise,” you muttered darkly under your breath, repeating the words your friend and new coworker had used to convince you to come out tonight.

Between a frantic weekend spent unpacking all of your belongings into your new studio apartment and a very long first week at your new job, all you had wanted to do was bury yourself under a blanket and watch Real Housewives until your brain melted out of your ears.

But you were trying to be more social. You wanted to focus more on your friendships. Do things that were good for you. That was the whole point of this move.

So instead, you were leaning so far over the bar top that you could feel the edge digging into your ribs, shouting a drink order at the (admittedly, very sweet and slightly overwhelmed) bartender. She had just placed the two beers and margarita you had asked for down in front of you when another hand appeared and tried to snatch them up.

“Hey!” you yelled, tossing the bills in your hand onto the bar as you reached up to catch the offender by the wrist before they made off with your hard-won drinks. “Asshole! Drop them, those are my beers! What the fuck?”

You swiped up the cocktail with your free hand, lest it meet the same fate and turned around to see what kind of absolute monster thought they had the right to steal drinks.

Annoyingly, he was beautiful.

Tall and broad, with sun-kissed skin and a blindingly-white smile, which held a hint of sheepishness as he realized that he had been caught red handed. There was something familiar about the way he ducked his head a little, before peering at you from beneath his eyelashes.

“Sorry about that, ma’am. I thought those were mine. Didn’t mean to steal from you,” his low, twangy drawl went right through you, settling warm and comfortingly in your stomach. “I’d offer to buy you a drink to make it up to you, but, well …”

Texas. That’s where that accent is from, you thought, instantly being transported back to your nursing school program in Austin. How many wannabe cowboys had spoken with that same drawl, trying to charm you and your friends during a night out? Not too many of them had succeeded with you, especially not after —

“Jake? Jake Seresin!?”

It had to be him. You’d know that smile anywhere, had seen those green eyes in your dreams for far too long after you both had moved on. He was bigger now, muscles more pronounced and jaw more defined, more of those cheeky smile lines creasing around his eyes. His voice was deeper too, some of his accent smoothed out after years in the military, but it had to be.

He swore under his breath, eyes widening as he made the connection as well. He practically whispered your name, as if it felt a bit rusty on his tongue, but the second you nodded, he repeated it louder, warmer, like he was slipping back into his favorite jacket.

“Shit, how long’s it been?” Jake wondered aloud, looking you up and down as if to make a note of every infinitesimal change that had occurred since you last saw each other. “You look amazing, darling. Beautiful as ever.”

You rolled your eyes but felt your cheeks heating up at his compliment. Jake always had a way of making you feel like the most special person in the room — but then again, he made everyone feel that way, as you later found out. “You look good too, Seresin. Like a proper, respectable Navy man,” you concede, though the words don’t sound nearly as begrudging as you hoped.

You’re rewarded with one of those thousand-watt grins and for a second, you’re back in a Texas dive bar, flirting with the most handsome man you’ve ever seen to the tune of some cheesy country-rap remix.

“I am good,” Jake promises, eyes locked on yours, and you think he might be back there with you, leaning up against the jukebox, the floors sticky under your feet. “I don’t know how respectable I am, but I am definitely good.”

His voice drags out that sentence, low and flirtatious, and butterflies fill your stomach the same way they did all those years ago. You can practically feel the ghost of his big hands on your hips, your lower back, caressing your cheek as the world disappeared around you that night, just the two of you creating your own little world in the corner of that dingy bar. Your lips part — to say what, exactly, you’re not sure — and you see his eyes drop to them for just a moment before —

The woman behind the bar calls out “Hangman!” with a tone of voice that makes it clear that it’s not the first time she’s said it and you both startle and turn to see her holding four bottles of beer out towards Jake, a look of exhaustion on her face. He jumps forward to take them, apologies pouring from his lips and he pointedly shoves several bills into the tip jar in order to earn an eye roll and a small smile from her. Two sweating bottles in each hand, he turns back to you and almost seems a bit relieved that you’re still standing there. (As if you’ve ever been able to walk away from him.)

“I have to drop these off with my friends,” Jake says, nodding to a table somewhere behind you, “And you should probably get those drinks to the people who sent you over here. But do — do you wanna catch up? There’s a deck out back with some tables, it’s usually pretty quiet this time of night.” He waits for you to nod, before pressing a quick kiss to your cheekbone. “I’ll meet you in five minutes.”

With one more charming smile, he’s off into the crowd and — not for the first time in your life — you’re left speechless and a little stunned, staring after Jake Seresin.

You’re not sure if the goosebumps on your arms are from the chill of the California evening or the way that Jake hasn’t stopped staring at you since he joined you outside on the deck. You shift slightly against the wooden bench of the picnic table, overwhelmed by the intensity of having all of the blonde’s attention on you again for the first time in a decade.

“So …” you begin, and your voice seems to startle Jake out of his thoughts slightly. “You’re a California boy now? I never thought you’d ever leave Texas.”

He grins and shakes his head slightly. “Well, when Top Gun calls and offers you a permanent station, you’d be a fool not to accept. And not to brag, but they do only offer that to the best of the best.”

“Please, Seresin. You love to brag,” you fire back, watching those green eyes sparkle with mischief.

“Well, it’s not bragging if it’s the truth. And the truth is, darling, that I am one hell of a pilot.” Jake takes a swig from his beer, before leaning a bit closer into you, like he wants to study your reactions. “What about you? What brings you out to sunny San Diego?”

“New job,” you say shortly, shrugging your shoulders as nonchalantly as possible. “Moved from the ICU to the ED, so I figured a change of location would go well with a change of pace.”

Your smile doesn’t quite meet your eyes and you hope he can’t tell. There’s no reason to tell your ex — boyfriend? Fling? — whatever that you followed a guy out here, especially since that whole — relationship? Affair? Complete and utter heartbreaking disaster? — situation crashed and burned almost immediately.

“Mmhmm,” Jake says, as if he can tell that’s not the whole story, and he takes another sip before seemingly deciding to let you off the hook. “And what did you boyfriend have to say about moving halfway across the country? Or did someone manage to finally lock you down after all these years?”

There’s a small, sinking feeling in your stomach as you think about the real reason you moved here for a brief, heartbreaking second.

“No boyfriend. No husband, either,” you say, wiggling your left hand at him in order to illustrate your point, and clock the way his eyes almost look relieved by the sight of your empty finger. “What about you, Seresin? Where’s your sweet, Southern wife?”

He laughs, a little cocky but a little hollow at the same time. “You know I don’t really do commitment, darlin’,” he jokes and, boy, do you, nights of watching him flirt with other girls while you pouted in the corner of the bar flashing in your brain. You take a long swallow of your beer — just like you used to swallow down your pride back then — and roll your eyes at him.

“I swear, you look exactly the same when you roll your eyes like that,” Jake says, his smile softening around the edges. “Nobody ever managed to make it quite as cutting as you.”

“Nobody’s ever been quite as annoying as you,” you fire back, but there’s no real heat behind it. Jake’s eye light up like you just gave him a compliment rather than pointing out that he knew exactly how to press your buttons when you were younger.

“I seem to remember you used to like it when I was able to make your eyes roll. Or, at least, when I could make them roll back into your head …”

You sigh, doing your best not to let on how much that comment made your face heat with decade-old memories of you two tangled up in your sheets. “There it is …” you begin, but he just leans into you a little more, those green eyes traveling all over your face as he speaks.

“I’m just reminiscing, that’s all. Can ya blame me? You’re still so beautiful …” Jake responds, one hand reaching out to gently tuck some of your hair behind your ear. His fingers brush against your cheek as he pulls away and you hope you can explain away the goosebumps that erupt on your skin as a product of the ocean breeze. “And I spent a lot of time trying to get you all worked up back then. Force of habit.”

You could give into it.

Allow the sheer force of Jake’s charisma and good looks to carry you away on a wave of old memories. The chemistry that always fizzled between you is clearly still there, the butterflies that have laid dormant in your stomach all this time just waiting for an excuse to be let free once again. It would be easy.

And it would be good — you two had always been good at the physical stuff. He was so gorgeous in so many ways and surprisingly generous when you were in bed. (Jake always took pride in being the best of the best, after all).

But once you woke up tomorrow morning, after all of the awkward goodbyes and the promises to call, then what? Jake Seresin doesn’t commit; he made that clear.

And you were still bruised from your last mess of a relationship, your heart feeling tender and aching in your chest most days. There’s no way that this doesn’t end the same way it did a decade ago, with you sobbing uncontrollably and Jake moving on to the next beautiful girl who manages to hold his attention.

So, with a self-control you didn’t even know you possessed, you pull yourself out of Jake’s undertow.

“Seresin, I … that’s probably a bad idea,” you say softly, eyes dropping down to the tabletop in between you. “I just got out of a relationship and I’m not in a place —”

He cuts you off by tilting your chin up to look at him and then making a point to pull his hands back and keep them to himself.

“Hey, hey, I get it. No worries. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable or anything, darlin’” Jake explains in a rush. “I’m sorry about that. Like I said, force of habit.”

You huff out a laugh and another eye roll and you can see him fight a grin at your reaction. “Only you would describe flirting with someone as a habit, Jake.”

“Well, I’m one of a kind.”

“Shut up, Seresin,” you giggle, glad to be back on solid, friendly ground with him.

Two hours later, Jake sent you off with a hug and his phone number as you and your friend climbed into an Uber and set off for home. She had a few questions about the “dreamboat” of a Naval aviator that you had apparently dated back in school, but was a little too excited about recounting her own evening to push you for details. It wasn’t until you arrived back at your apartment and collapsed on your couch that you realized Jake had been texting you the whole time you were in the car.

Unknown: It’s Jake 🫡😜🤠⭐️🍻🏈😉

Unknown: Hope you get home safe, beautiful. It was great to catch up with you.

Unknown: And I would be an embarrassment to the U.S. Navy if I didn’t at least offer to be your tour guide around San Diego

Unknown: I know all the best spots after all

Unknown: So text me if you want to grab lunch or something

Unknown: Or if you finally want to learn how to surf

Unknown: But give me fair warning beforehand, I remember how bad your balance is lol

You: lol I forgot you text every single thought in your brain

You: but having a tour guide sounds nice

You: we could get brunch this weekend and you can give me the highlights?

You had only just begun to take your shoes off, resigned to finally get off the couch, when your phone pinged.

Jake 🤠 🧡: I know just the place

You gave his text a quick thumbs up and got ready for bed smiling the whole time.

-—-—-—-—-—

Comments and reblogs are always appreciated! I don’t know if I’m going to have a regular schedule with this or anything, but I will do my best! Thank you for reading about the absolute menace that is Jake Seresin

Tagging some people who asked:

@tvshowgirl81 @redbarn1995 @stoneyggirl @keepingitlokiii @averyhotchner @dizzybee03 @olliepig @lynnevanss @djs8891 @mamachasesmayhem @mamaskillerqueen @kmc1989 @hookslove1592

#top gun maverick fanfiction #top gun hangman #top gun maverick #jake hangman fic #jake seresin x you #jake seresin x reader #jake seresin fic #jake seresin #jake hangman seresin #jake hangman x reader #hangman x reader #my fic #jake hangman x you #fic: it's a bad idea right?

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halsteadlover · 9 months

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Unexpected

*Gif not mine credits to the owner*

• Pairing: Jay Halstead x Female!Reader.

• Requested by @stu-machers-girl: Reader had known Jay since she’d first started as a dispatcher for Chicago. It wasn’t long until she’d developed a crush on the older man. She didn’t say anything since she realized he was dating Erin but then she left. She left and Jay got kidnapped; reader heard it over the radio. Hank texted her to say they’d found him and she left her job without saying anything and sped to the hospital. When she saw the blonde detective in the waiting room they got into a fight and reader punched her. She refused to leave the hospital until Jay woke up and laid in bed with him the entire time. When he woke up, in the heat of the moment her lips were on his in a moment.

• Warnings: slight mention of injuries and ‘violence’ (pls bear with me I can’t write fight scene not even for saving my life), cuss words. I don’t know, let me know if there’s anything else <3

• Word count: 8368.

• A/N: so yeah, I got carried away, pls don’t hate me, I think that’s the longest piece I’ve ever written 😭. I changed it up a bit at the end, I hope it’s okay. Please let me know what you think of this? I hope you’ll like it and I already apologize for any grammar error ❤️ comment, like and reblog if you want, I’d really appreciate it. Thank you so much for your constant support, I love you all xx

It was hard.

God, why did being in love have to be so tough?

You thought it’d be easier to control your feelings. You thought you'd be better at pretending everything was fine, pretending your heart didn't actually open into a chasm every time you even heard his name.

You thought it was just a simple crush, a simple infatuation that – knowing it couldn't go any further – it’d soon vanish. But unfortunately it wasn't easy and you soon found yourself in a spiral of suffering and thuds in your stomach. Your mind knew there would never be anything but your heart didn't want to understand it.

Falling in love with Jay wasn't planned, you’d never imagine it and you couldn't even explain how it happened or when. It's those things that just happen without any warning.

You first met Jay after your first shift as a paramedic at Molly's, where your colleagues used to meet after their shifts.

You were sitting at a table with a beer in front of you, you didn't know anyone yet – except for the colleagues you had met during the day who weren't there – and you looked around, sipping the drink from time to time, wondering when you were going to start to feel that place like home.

You moved to Chicago a month prior and it goes without saying you underestimated how difficult it’d be to start a new life in a new city, starting from scratch.

Jay had seen you from afar, looking tired and disoriented and for some reason he had decided to approach you.

When you first saw him you felt the air being cut from your chest, you didn't expect someone – someone so damn beautiful – to approach you.

That stranger you soon discovered was named Jay found himself talking with you, asking you questions about yourself and why he had never seen you before. You explained to him that you had just started working and you found out he had been a detective in the Intelligence unit for about six months.

You were never one to talk to strangers, to tell someone something about your life on the first time you met them, but for some strange reason those bright green eyes and his reassuring smile made you feel at ease, and as the evening wore by, you thanked yourself for not deciding to stay home that night.

Jay was an angel to you, literally.

After that evening he promised you he’d give you a tour of the city, making you visit the most beautiful places and taking you to the best places to eat. You exchanged numbers and he also made you promise you’d call him whenever you felt alone and wanted company.

He also introduced you to the rest of his team, as well as his closest friends, and they were just as kind and welcoming, letting you know you’d meet several times even during work shifts because of criminals and things like that.

Three years have passed since that evening and Jay kept all his promises.

Over time he became your closest friend and you spent time together whenever you both could. You had become his anchor and he had become your safe haven.

You had promised yourself over the time that your friendship would never go any further – also because Jay had never done anything that could’ve made you think otherwise – but the more time you spent together, the more you found yourself falling more and more in love with him.

You’d never tell him about it, even if it meant crying nights where you wanted to do nothing but run away and forget about him. If it was initially bearable and there was your friendship to give you strength, seeing him with another woman broke your heart more than you ever expected.

Erin was a colleague of his and you had seen their love story born right away. You'd heard Jay confide in you about her, asking you for advice on her when they were fighting, and you were there every time listening to him trying not to cry in front of him. There were times when Jay noticed that there was something wrong with you, he knew you by now, but you always managed to disengage the conversation by telling him that you were just tired from work.

You promised yourself you'd always be by his side but seeing him so happy with her… Damn it, it was so hard.

You couldn't take it anymore, you were a walking disaster and all your colleagues and friends saw how you weren't as happy and carefree as you used to be. Sylvie, who was one of your closest friends and who knew all the history with Jay, tried to always be by your side, convincing you to move on, to try to open up your world and that you didn't have to cry for him forever.

She was right, completely right.

Because of this, you had begun to distance yourself from Jay a little bit, making excuses not to go out after work or limiting interactions during the shift to the minimum possible and not speaking to him except from a professional point of view.

This broke your heart, you missed spending time with him, God how you missed him, but more than him you had to love yourself and you knew spending time with him, seeing him with another woman only would made you suffer.

Jay had immediately perceived this change but he couldn't explain why. He had tried so many times to talk to you but you didn't want to tell him what was going on and it made him particularly tense and uncomfortable.

Even Erin had noticed his moodiness and she hated to know it was because of you. She hated you were always there, in front of him, in his head, always on the way, she hated seeing how much he cared about you, she hated the way he dropped everything and ran to you whenever you needed him.

She hated you.

And, dear lord, how much you hated her too. The feelings between you and her were pretty mutual.

You didn't know it, but you had been the cause of many arguments a thousand times between them. Erin wanted him to stay away from you, Jay refused to and always told her if she really wanted him you were part of the deal, take it or leave it.

You were at home one evening, resting on the sofa after a grueling work shift while watching a movie on TV and eating some chips. Sylvie had offered you to go to some bar and get drunk but you declined, not in the mood to socialize or even drink. You just wanted to stay at home and rest, hoping that day would soon be forgotten.

The ringing of your doorbell almost made you jump and you furrowed your eyebrows, not expecting anyone at the time. You placed the bowl of chips on the coffee table in front of the sofa and got up and as you rubbed your hands on your shirt to remove the crumbs from the chips, you went towards the door.

You expected it to be Sylvie but, after looking through the peephole, your heart skipped a beat when you realized it was Jay.

“Oh god,” you muttered to yourself, glancing at your shabby outfit which consisted of a simple pair of midnight blue leggings and a gray t-shirt.

What was he doing there?

“Y/N open the door, I know you're home,” Jay's voice came muffled through the door. For a moment you considered ignoring him until he got tired of it and walked away but you knew that would never happen and he’d keep banging on the doorbell until you opened it.

You took a deep breath, trying to calm yourself down and slow down your racing heartbeat, and opened the door after removing the chain.

Jay looked up at you, his features visibly relaxing as his eyes fell on your figure. Your mouth felt dry as your gaze traveled up and down his body for an instant, as if to accept that he was fine.

“Hi,” you muttered, your voice so thin you were afraid he might not hear you. Your stomach was in a vice and a flock of butterflies had exploded inside you. A wave of heat run through your body and you were sure the flush of your cheeks was comparable to a tomato. “Come in.”

Why were you feeling so damn nervous? He was always Jay, he was always your best friend.

But the best friend I love madly, added your conscience.

Maybe you were nervous because you haven't seen him in two weeks, avoiding him like the plague.

You opened the door and moved to the side, giving him space to enter and as he passed the trail of his scent hit you full in the face making you almost faint.

I can’t do this.

Jay sat on the couch without saying anything, glancing at the TV that was still playing the movie, waiting for you to join him.

“You okay?” you asked as your eyes noticed the way his face was screwed up in a less than happy expression. You tried to avoid him yes, for your own good, but the thought something might’ve happened to him was tormenting you. He sighed deeply, rubbing his hands against his face in frustration before glancing at you.

“I don’t know to be honest,” he replied, but without elaborating further “What about you? Why did you disappear for the last couple of weeks? I texted you I don't know how many times and called you a thousand times. Did I do something wrong?”.

The crack your heart made was so loud you thought even Jay could hear it from where he sat. Your brain stopped working for a moment trying to think of a response to give him that wasn't ‘you know Jay I was avoiding you because I love you and because I hate seeing you with that snake’.

“N-no, of course not Jay how can you think that?” You replied, moving closer to him and taking his hand in yours, instantly feeling a rush of shivers running down your spine. He glanced at your clasped hands and then at you, with an expression you couldn't quite read.

“I… I don't know,” he sighed, his hand caressing the back of your hand, something he didn’t quite realize he was doing “I just… I missed you.”

If your heart was already broken, at this very moment it exploded into a thousand pieces of confetti and colors inside your chest. It was as if you had been punched in the stomach, the breath cut from your lungs. It was so good to hear him say it but so painful at the same time.

You wanted to yell at him to not to say it again, because you knew his ‘I missed you’ wasn't meant in the same way you missed him.

“I missed you too so much Jay,” you almost whispered, smiling at the same time to mask the sudden urge to cry. You let go of his hand, unable to maintain that contact anymore without your stomach doing somersaults. The absence of his warmth was immediately felt but you tried to remain as impassive as possible. “What happened? If you've come here at almost midnight it's because there's something wrong. Do you want to talk to me about it?”.

He nodded feebly, taking his gaze away from you to the ceiling. He was leaning back on the sofa, his head on it as his eyes roamed the white ceiling as if it was the most interesting thing on the planet, his hands folded on his stomach.

“Erin and I broke up.”

You’d imagined anything, a problem at work, maybe a family issue, anything else, but not the words that had just slipped from his mouth.

You couldn't hide the shock as your eyes and mouth opened wide and you even felt guilty for an instant when the only feeling you felt was… Relief, joy. “W-what? How? When? Why?” You bombarded him with questions “I'm sorry Jay,” but you weren't sorry about what had happened. You were sorry because seeing him like that was painful and you would’ve done anything to make him feel better, seeing his beautiful smile on his face.

He brought his eyes from the ceiling to yours, turning his head to the side to look at you. He didn't say anything, he just looked at you. For the second time since he came over, you couldn't read his gaze and you would’ve paid gold to know what he was thinking.

He was looking at you and you felt as if a rope had been placed around your neck and your grip tightened by the way your breath was cut in half. He looked at you with such an intensity as if he wanted to read your soul, analyzing every inch of your face at the same time and in that moment more than ever you wanted to shrink to such a point you’d disappear from his sight.

He looked at you as if he was looking at you for the first time and you felt vulnerable, exposed and while his eyes were chained to yours for an instant you feared he could find out about your feelings for him just by the was his eyes were piercing you.

It was you who looked away first, unable to maintain eye contact anymore and fearing you might say something stupid if you continued to stare at him for another few seconds.

Your heart was pounding so hard you thought it would stop any second as you kept repeating yourself to stay calm. The blush on your cheeks showed no sign of fading and you thanked God that the lights in the living room were off and that there was only the one on the TV which, however, didn't illuminate quite well your face.

The sigh Jay let out made you look up at him, noticing he was still looking at you. But when your eyes ended up on his again, he was the one to look away.

“Don’t need to be sorry,” he said simply and you nodded though he couldn't even see you, “She left.”

For the second time another wave of shock went through you and a thousand questions crossed your mind. You couldn't say you weren't sorry, you would’ve been hypocritical to say otherwise, but you wondered what the hell had happened. How did they go from being the happiest couple alive to her walking away? For what reason did she leave?

It wouldn't have surprised you at all if she was the reason for the breakup, you didn't know her well – you didn't want to – but based on what Jay told you, she had a habit of running away from every fight and problem that came up.

“She always does, doesn’t she? She will definitely come back,” you answered even as you prayed deep inside with every fiber of your being that it wouldn't happen. You knew you were selfish, he was hurting but damn it, you were human too and you couldn't mask what you didn't feel.

He shook his head slightly. “No, I don't think she will,” He lifted his head, sitting up straight and looking at you again. “And for what that matters, I don't even care if she comes back or not,” he paused again, thinking about his words “But, I don't want to talk about it.”

“Yeah sorry,” there was a moment of silence where you looked at each other again and the way he was looking at you was making your stomach twist like a contortionist “But just tell me how you are you feeling Jay, I hate seeing you like this,” and you were sincere, although you didn't like Erin, you wished nothing but happiness for Jay and seeing him like this made you feel as helpless as few other times.

“I'm fine now,” he replied and he really seemed to be sincere “Really, I feel… Relieved. I just needed to be with my best friend now. You made me worry so much you know that?”.

My best friend.

You tried to ignore the thud in your heart. “I'm really sorry Jay. It was such a hectic time between work I didn't have time for anything else. I'm sorry I wasn't around so much.”

He shook his head again, as if to tell you not to worry by smiling weakly and causing a feeling of warmth to spread through your heart. “What matters to me is that you’re okay I… I really missed you.”

The next day you went to work with the dark circles under your eyes reaching down to your feet. You only managed to sleep a couple of hours the night before, having spent most of the night talking to Jay.

God how much you loved that man.

When you were with him it was as if the world around you vanished and it didn't matter how long you lost touch or didn't speak to each other, the moment you’d meet again everything was back to the way it was before, as if time had never passed.

You found yourself talking late, losing track of time, laughing and joking as always and it was times like this that reminded you why you were in love with him. Jay didn't stop smiling even for a minute and seeing him so carefree, even if only for a while, was beautiful. He deserved to be happy, always.

You talked and talked and talked until you fell asleep on the sofa in each other's arms. Only when you opened your eyes you realized your head was resting on his chest and his arm was possessively encircling your waist. You stayed paralyzed for an instant, afraid to make any movement that might wake him up.

He must not have noticed it.

You cautiously sat up and then brought your gaze to him, letting your eyes wander over his relaxed features and you let yourself go for a moment to your fantasy. A fantasy where Jay being there next to you was normal, were you could wake up every morning in his arms as he tightly hugged you.

During your work shift you tried to keep your mind busy, focusing only on the calls and the patients you’d be treating.

Two days flew by like this, with Sylvie doing nothing but tease you about Jay after you told her what had happened. You omitted he and Erin had broken up, this wasn't about you and it wasn't your call to tell other people.

However, you hadn't heard from Jay for two days, he didn't text you or even replied to yours. Only then you understood how he must’ve felt when it was you who didn't reply to his text and you promised yourself you’d never do anything like this again.

You were scared to death because he didn't usually disappear like that, so suddenly, and given the nature of his work you couldn't help but imagine that something terrible had happened and the more time passed, the more this thesis was confirmed.

Of course, you knew he couldn't always answer the phone, and there had been other times when, for example, following an undercover operation you didn't hear from him for even a week but in those cases he did everything to warn you first, reassuring you’d see each other as soon as possible.

This time, however, you had a horrible feeling, a premonition that was sadly confirmed by Voight.

You were packing up the ambulance near the end of your shift when your cell phone rang and Sergeant Voight's name appeared on your screen. Your heart instantly skipped a beat and you instantly understood something serious must’ve happened for him to call you.

“Hello? Sarge?” you answered almost immediately.

“Hi kid,” his hoarse voice replied “I hope I’m not disturbing you. It’s about Halstead…”

You closed your eyes as if those words had caused you physical pain, as if someone had hit you in the face. All the colors disappeared from your face and anxiety twisted your stomach.

“What happened? Is he fine? Tell me he's okay please,” you spoke frantically, getting out of the ambulance and closing it “Where is he?”.

You heard Voight sigh on the other end of the phone. “He's fine now, he… He was kidnapped but we found him. We are at Med's. I wanted to tell you before you heard from someone else. I'm sure he'll be happy to see you.”

You couldn't describe the horrible feeling that went through you hearing those words. It was like someone ripped your heart out of your chest clamping your lungs, you stopped breathing for a second and you didn't care how exaggerated that might be, but whatever happened to him you wished it was you on the hospital bed.

“I'll be right there,” you said and closed the call before waiting for Voight’s answer. You didn't even care about warning your boss, much less some of your colleagues watched you ran away like you were nuts, you just wanted to go to him, you just wanted to see him, make sure he was okay.

The car journey to the Med's was one of the most distressing and longest of your life. You nearly collided with other cars several times but at that moment the only thought that crossed your mind was Jay.

What had happened to him? Was it serious? Was he awake?

God please let him be okay.

You tried to swallow the lump in your throat. That wasn't the time to cry, to be weak, you had to be there for Jay.

You thought for a moment what would happen if… God, fuck, you didn't even want to think about it, you couldn't imagine it. You couldn't even think of not having him in your life, you couldn't imagine not being able to see him anymore, getting lost in his eyes, never hearing his laughter or seeing his radiant smile again. You couldn't even think you couldn't hug him when you were sad, stuff yourselves with food watching trash TV until a nervous breakdown.

You didn't even realize you were crying until you got to Med's and parked your car. You quickly dried your tears and ran to the hospital, where, in the waiting room, you found all of his colleagues. And by all of his colleagues, you meant everyone.

Erin Lindsay was there and her disgusted gaze was on you.

“What the hell are you doing here?!” she exclaimed approaching you threateningly. You didn't let yourself be intimidated, on the contrary, the mere tone of her voice made your blood boil in your veins. How dare she talk to you like that?

“Don't you even dare take one more step towards me. Move out to way, I’m here to see Jay,” you spat with venom as the others looked at each other unsure whether to intervene or not.

“Lindsay…” Voight called back, grabbing her arm but she jerked away from his grip, still glaring at you with contempt.

“Turn your ass and get the fuck out of here. I've had enough of you, I'm so tired of always having you around Y/N. Why don't you just understand he doesn't want you?!”.

“You seem to be very familiar with walking away and running away don't you? Isn't that what you always do huh? Avoid problems? You really got some nerve to be here after you left him,” you pointed a finger at her. “I'm not going to stand here and make you yell at me. You really want me to believe you care about him? You wouldn't even be here if he wasn’t kidnapped!”.

“I left him? Is that what he told you?” Erin let out a wry laugh “I can’t believe it. I really wonder what he saw in you. Seriously, look at yourself. You're so pathetic...”

A wave of anger shot through your body and before she could even continue her insults, your fist slammed into her face, causing her to flinch back. Everyone let out a verse of bewilderment, immediately intervening to separate you and Lindsay who were about to kill each other right then and there.

“Y/N! Fuck’s sake! Just calm down! Take it easy, it’s okay,” Kevin dragged you away, shaking you off your shoulders as if to bring you to your senses. You watched her walk away with Voight, one hand on her bleeding nose.

You knew the repercussions there would be but you couldn't care less because it felt so good. You've wanted to do this for so long, for the way she's always treated you, for the contempt she's always shown towards you.

“I'm calm, I'm okay,” you muttered, throwing your hands up in surrender and trying to ignore the pain in the hand you punched her with. “I'm sorry about this but… I have to…”

“I know that's not true,” Kevin chuckled “Go,” he nodded towards Jay's room and without having to repeat it twice you immediately went to him.

You entered the room and closed the door behind you, immediately glancing at the man lying on the bed and the sound of his heartbeats coming from the machine filled the silence.

Your heart broke into a thousand pieces as you saw his battered face, a purple bruise on his cheek, a cut on his eyebrow and and other one on the lower lip which felt deep and quite sore. But despite this he was still the most beautiful man you've ever seen in your life.

You approached him, keeping as quiet as possible in an effort not to wake him up. He almost looked like an angel while he slept, as if nothing could hurt or disturb him at that moment.

You placed a hand on his cheek, caressing it with such delicacy and lightness you were almost uncertain of the contact. Your fingers ran through his hair, a gesture you knew he loved and made him relaxed.

Your eyes traveled down his chest and only then you noticed the white bandage that wrapped around his chest. You tried to keep from crying. You hated it, you hated he was suffering, you hated you weren't there with him to help him. Your heart was tightened even more as you noticed red marks on his wrists, some superficial and some a little deeper, a sign that he had been tied up.

“What have they done to you?” You whispered and your eyes were on his face again, continuing to run your fingers gently through his hair. “I'm so sorry Jay.”

You didn't know exactly what you were apologizing for, you just did.

You stayed next to him for an indefinite amount of time, you didn't look at the time but you understood that hours had passed when the sunlight was replaced by the darkness of the night.

Will tried to convince you to go home and rest and that he’d call you for any news but you refused, you didn't want Jay to wake up alone in that cold hospital room. You knew how much he loathed them and you wanted him to see a friendly face as soon as he opened his eyes.

The attempt of Jay's team was also useless, when they understood you’d never leave until he woke up, they recommended you to update them on any changes.

You spent hours sitting on a chair next to his bed until you too were asleep, your arms resting on Jay's legs.

When he opened his eyes he found himself plunged into darkness if it hadn't been for the dim light from the hospital chandelier. It didn't take him long to remember what had happened, what had led him to be there. He tried to stand up but an excruciating pain shot through his chest, forcing him to lay down again.

This and also the sleeping figure in front of him.

A small smile was born on his swollen lips as he watched you sleep sitting on the chair that seemed anything but comfortable. How long have you been there?

He raised a hand and didn't even have time to rest it on your arm before you snapped sitting, looking around panicked for a moment. Your eyes widened to see Jay in front of you with his eyes finally open and the joy you felt in that moment was like nothing else you've ever felt.

“Jay! Thank God you're awake!” You exclaimed and in the joy of the moment you hugged him, squeezing him harder than you should’ve and letting a small cry of pain escape him “Sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you,” you pulled away from him “How are you feeling? Are you okay? Should I call Will?”.

Jay shook his head slightly, a small smile on his lips. “I am fine. Where is the bed remote control? I need to sit up.”

You quickly grabbed the remote from the nightstand next to the bed and handed it to him, watching as the back of the bed lifted and he settled into position so he could finally take a good look at you. “Come here, why are you so far away?” He patted the mattress and you didn't let yourself repeat it twice, sitting next to him.

“Voight called me…” you were the first to speak “But he didn't tell me what happened.”

Jay let out a sigh, flinching as a pain shot through his chest. “It was an undercover mission, nothing too difficult. I was supposed to exchange the money with the drugs and then arrest them. Easy,” he explained, “I don’t know how but someone of them found out I was a cop so they kidnapped me and as you can see they beat me up for the holidays.”

Your eyes filled with tears but that time you couldn't hold them back. You felt a whirlwind of emotions, fear, happiness, anxiety, relief and it was too much for you to hold back and you lowered your gaze to not let him see you.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Jay's voice came as a sweet melody to your ears “Please don't cry Y/N, I don’t like seeing you like this. It's okay now, I'm fine, it's going to take a lot longer for you to get rid of me,” he attempted to reassure you. “Come here darling.” His hands pulled you close as his arms wrapped around you in a warm hug. You hugged him back, being careful not to hurt him further, and let yourself go into a liberating cry, so grateful you still had the opportunity to be able to do this.

His lips kissed your cheek and your heart leapt in your chest at the contact.

God Jay you're killing me.

“I'm so sorry Jay, you shouldn't be the one to comfort me now,” you murmured, pulling away from the hug, still looking down. You grabbed a tissue off the top of the nightstand and wiped away your tears, still shaken from everything that had happened. You felt so selfish at the same time Jay was on a hospital bed and you were the desperate one.

“Y/N don't even say that as a joke. Look at me, please.”

You did as he told you and your eyes met his, triggering a sensation that was like being kicked in the stomach.

“I'm fine, okay? These are just bruises, they hurt but they will go away. I wish I could tell you it's the last time but I can't, it will happen again but I want you to know I’ll always find a way back to you, okay? I won't leave you alone.”

His words were like a snake venom and antidote at the same time.

“Jay… Please…” you whispered, tears still flowing from your eyes “Don't do this to me.”

A confused expression appeared on his face. “What do you mean?”.

You shook your head, as if trying to tell him it didn't mean anything. “I just… I was so scared Jay…I thought about losing you…”

Jay reached for your hand but a frown appeared on his face as he noticed, despite the dim lights, the swelling on it. “Y/N what the hell is this? What happened to you? Why is your hand like this?”.

Shit.

You withdrew your hand, moving your fingers slightly but not showing how sore it was. You had never thrown a punch before and never imagined how painful it was. “Nothing. I closed my hand in the car door on the way here, it's no big deal.”

You knew he’d never buy this excuse but it was worth a try.

“Do you really think I’m that stupid? Tell me the truth. Did someone hurt you?”.

You sighed. “You’ll hate me.”

Jay looked at you like you just sprouted a second head, really confused. “What? Why on earth should I hate you?”.

“I punched Erin,” you blurted out so quickly, wishing he hadn't heard you but when you saw his eyes widen so wide they almost popped out of their socket, you knew he definitely did.

“What? You really did it? Seriously?” He struggled to imagine that you could do something like that, you’d never hurt even a fly. “Why? Why happened?”.

“She started saying bad things to me and I got so mad so I just… Punched her,” you sighed “I didn't even realize it… I know I shouldn't have…”

Jay was silent for a moment, still unable to believe what you had just said. He knew there was bad blood between you and his ex-girlfriend but he never imagined you’d even punch her but he also knew, without any shadow of a doubt, that if you had come this far it was because you had a reason to.

“You hate me now right?”.

He shook his head. “Absolutely not Y/N. I mean, I don't like the idea of you going around punching people but I guess you had your reasons.”

You thought back to Erin's words and that was enough to make you angry again. She deserved it all right and you don't regret it even a bit.

“She's still your ex girlfriend…”

“I know.”

You noticed the way his expression didn't change a bit at the mention of her, he had no reaction. He was more worried about your hand then her. “You don’t care she was here?”.

He remained silent for a moment, observing you for a few moments and then shook his head slightly. “Not one bit, I told I wouldn’t care if she came back. I know it's a bad thing to say, but that's how it is.”

“But you were together until a few days ago how can you not care?” You were so confused.

“I’m the one broke up with her, after all. I think it's normal.”

It wasn’t but still.

It was your turn to widen your eyes and mouth in shock. Did you hear that right?

“What? Really?! I thought she was the one who left you.”

You never expected it, you really thought sue was the one who suddenly left him and not the other way around. You had so many questions to ask him but you didn't know whether to ask him or not, after all it was none of your business.

He nodded. “It wasn't fair to just go on with that relationship, not for me or for her.”

“And why’s that?” you asked, afraid to hear the answer. Your eyes were fixed on him and even with that little light they managed to shine and stand out. Your heart was pounding so hard you thought you were having a heart attack at any moment, the air suddenly became tense and every cell in your body seemed to be on fire.

“I…” he spoke “I have someone else in mind.”

Your pounding heart stopped for an instant and the thump in your stomach was such that you felt like you were about to throw up.

“Oh.”

That was all you could say. You tried to keep your expression neutral as if these short simple words hadn't hit you full in the face like a lorry. Being run over would’ve probably hurt less.

You swallowed the lump in your throat, biting the insides of your cheeks and pressing nails against your palms to avoid crying in front of him again.

You couldn't believe it, or rather, yes, you could believe it but you didn't imagine it would hurt so much. You couldn’t believe it was happening again. It was like Erin all over again.

Oh god no please, I can’t do this.

You wondered who she was. Was she someone you knew? He had never mentioned someone else yet you two talked about everything. Or almost everything.

You looked down rubbing your hands on your pants before standing up and walking over to the nightstand. Jay followed your movements with his eyes, watching you pour water into a glass before drinking it in one gulp.

“Do you want some?” you asked him, but without looking at him and keeping your eyes on the glass

“Yes, thank you,” he replied confused “Y/N… Are you okay?”.

“Sure,” you babbled as you grabbed another glass and poured some water into it. You handed it to him, never meeting his eyes. You couldn't look at him, not at the time. If you had done it you would’ve collapsed and you couldn't in front of him, you didn't want to.

He drank the water and the dryness in his throat finally went away, feeling suddenly better. He continued to look at you, noting how your head was turned towards the window.

“Y/N… Can you look at me please? What’s going on?” he pressed confused on your sudden change of mood.

You turned to him and gave him a quick glance, noticing the empty plastic cup in his hands. “Do you want some more?” You asked feebly as you reached up to him to take your glass but before you could pull away he grabbed your wrists, his grip both firm and delicate at the same time. You jumped, not expecting it, dropping the plastic glass on the floor.

“Look at me,” he urged but you refused, your eyes watering and the lump in your throat increasingly suffocating. A solitary tear slid down your cheek as he placed his thumb and forefinger under your chin, lifting your head and forcing you to look at him.

“Y/N talk to me please,” he whispered and his tone was so soft it was enough to send you over the edge. You lost control and started crying. He pulled you into a hug, wrapping his arms around your body as best as he could.

“No… Just let me go...” you muttered through your tears, trying to escape his grip. You couldn't do this, it was too much for you, too much to bear. You just wanted to run away in that moment, to be away from him.

“Shh, it's okay darling, it's okay. I'm here with you, I'm not going anywhere,” he whispered in your ear as his hand stroked your back in an attempt to cheer you up. But he couldn't do it.

This was all so paradoxical. He was the only person on earth able to understand you, to make you feel better with a single hug and with the mere presence of him and it was paradoxical because, at the same time, he was also the cause of your suffering.

“N-no Jay…” you stammered, pulling away from his embrace “Please let me go. Don't do this to me. Stop doing this to me...”

You stood up and walked away from him, wiping your tears with the backs of your hands. “I can't take it anymore Jay, I can't do this again.”

“Doing what? Y/N please come here. Talk to me,” he begged you.

Is he serious?

You shook your head and wordlessly walked to the door to leave, but when you heard movement behind you you whirled around to see Jay taking off the covers from his body and climbing out of bed.

“What are you doing? No! Get back to bed,” you ordered, your cheeks still wet with tears, running towards him when his feet hit the ground and tried to get up. He grabbed your wrists again, pulling you towards him and placing you between his legs. “Jay…”

“Tell me what's going on and I'll let you go,” his voice was firm and decisive and his tone hinted he’d live up to his words even if it meant trudging all the way out of the hospital.

“Jay for fuck’s sake why can’t you just understand? You really don't see it? You really can’t see I can’t take all of this anymore? You really can't see how much I fucking love you and how much I care about you! I can't do it anymore Jay, I really tried with Erin… I tried to help you, to be supportive… I tried but I can't take it a second time… I can’t…” You blurted out in the heat of the moment but slapped your mouth with your hands as soon as you realized what you had just said. You wished a hole would open in the ground and the earth would swallow you alive.

Jay was looking at you as if he had just seen a ghost and the silence that had invaded the room was almost deafening. You didn't expect an answer, you knew he wouldn't say anything, but God it was so still painful.

“Y/N… I…” he stammered, speechless.

“Jay… Don't worry, seriously,” you interjected trying to keep your composure even if you were feeling a storm inside “I know you don't feel the same and it's fine, I'm sorry for telling you like this…” you croaked, your voice broken by tears “But now it's better if I go... You need to rest.”

The grip around your wrists loosened and you took the opportunity to free yourself away. You took a few steps back, your heart heavy as Jay continued to stare at you petrified.

You were about to leave when, suddenly and against all your expectations, you felt a hand on your arm that made you turn around and a pair of lips pressed against yours.

Your eyes widened in shock as your mind tried to process what was happening. Time seemed to stop and even though his lips were touching yours so lightly it felt like they were just caressing each other, it was as if a storm had hit you full blown.

That kiss was light, sweet, as if he was testing your reaction but when you closed your eyes and returned it, that lightness was immediately replaced by the determination with which his mouth moved against yours.

His hands were on your face as you both let go and for an instant you forgot about everything around you, that you were in a hospital room, that a minute ago you had confessed his love for him. You wanted that kiss for so long. For so long you watched him from a distance and imagined what it would be like to have his lips on yours and now that you were really feeling it, god, it felt like heaven.

No image created in your mind could compare to the flock of butterflies flying in your stomach, to the feeling that kiss made you experience.

It was like thunder hit you, like an explosion of rainbows, like being electrocuted, like being burned alive.

You wanted so badly to find the right words to describe what you felt but you just couldn't.

Jay slid his fingers from your cheeks through your hair, deepening the kiss more and more, forgetting the wound on his lip and all the pains that coursed through his body. Your hands clenched the hospital gown he wore into a fist, being careful not to touch him even though your mind was completely racing.

He was kissing you fervently now, passionately, as if his life depended on it, as if he wanted to suck your soul out of your body. And that was exactly how you felt. If you didn't know him better, you would’ve said he was kissing you as if he too had wanted it for a long time, as if he was trying to vent all the frustration that had accumulated over time.

When you pulled away you were both out of breath like after a marathon. His hands stroked your hair before brushing your cheeks as his thumbs traced imaginary circles on your skin. His nose kept brushing yours and you didn't know how you managed to stand, your legs feeling like jelly.

“You didn't ask me who she is,” he whispered and if he wasn't already hurt you probably would’ve punched him. How could he say such a thing? How could he kiss you and then say that?

“Jay what the fuck...” you tried to walk away but he interrupted you.

“Ask me Y/N. Ask me who’s the person I always have in my mind. Who is the woman I left Erin for.” His eyes kept alternating between yours and your lips trembling and flushed and a little swollen from that impetuous kiss.

“Fuck you! No, I don't want to know! How can you say this!”.

“Shh,” he smiled slightly as his thumb traced the outline of your lips. How could he smile in such a situation and be so heartless? “Please Y/N. Trust me. Ask me.”

“You are such an asshole Jay, I can't believe this…”

“It's you,” he cut you off again and you froze, not believing you heard right.

“W-what?”.

“It’s you. You’re the person who’s constantly on my mind, you are the one who invades my thoughts from the moment I wake up in the morning until I close my eyes at night. I couldn't continue with her, I tried, I tried to ignore it, but you were always there in front of me, always in my head even when you weren't there,” he confessed “When I realized you were the one I want, that it was you who made my heart beat more than anyone else ever did… Fuck, I can’t even talk with you looking at me like this,” he stopped, pressing his fingers on your skin, as if to vent the built up tension.

“I realized it was you when the thought of losing you terrified more than I could even admit, when seeing her didn’t make me turn my stomach or lose my breath like it happen with you,” he paused, taking a small breath, winching at the pain “I didn't know what to do, how to behave with you, I didn't know if you felt the same and I didn't want to risk ruining our friendship and losing you, I preferred a thousand times to have you only as a friend than not to have you at all in life. But, shit, I love you too so much you stupid…” he sighed, his confession heavy in the air and at that point the tears flowed like rivers down your cheeks which he quickly wiped away with his thumbs “It was always you, always and only you and I’m so sorry i realized it so late, I’m so sorry I didn’t realize how you were feeling and made you suffer like that, I will never forgive myself for that. I don't want to see you cry anymore, I don't want to see a single tear come out of these beautiful eyes again, okay? I'm yours Y/N, if you want me I'll be forever and irrevocably yours.”

You didn't know what to say.

You didn't know what to do.

You have never been in such a state of total shock like in that moment.

A thousand questions crossed your mind but you couldn't find an answer to any of them.

“Jay,” you exhaled in frustration, still crying “I don't want to suffer, I don't want to go to sleep crying anymore, I'm so tired of this. I can't… I love you, god, how much I love you. You… You make me lose my mind, my heart goes crazy for you but I also know I don't want to suffer and even if I'm in love I don't want to keep my eyes closed and be naive,” you spoke, your eyes locked in his “You just got out of a relationship and I don't want to think I'm a rebound…”

“But you're not baby, I swear you will never be. You are all I want…” he urged “I left her because I want you Y/N.”

“Jay this doubt won’t make me live peacefully. The moment I’ll be in a relationship with you, I want us to start it without interruption, without risks, without fears, without ghosts of the past,” you retorted “You can’t imagine how many times I wished for this to happen, more than you’ll ever know, but I don’t want it to be like this, not when you got out of a relationship two days ago.”

“Then I'll prove it to you, I promise Y/N. I want you, only you, forever. I understand you're scared and I promise I'll do anything to make this fear go away, I promise I'll do everything in my power to make you happy. I don't want to give up on you, not now that I know you feel the same. God I'd let you get into my head just to show you how much every single one of my thoughts are directed only and solely towards you.” He pulled your hands away from your cheeks just so he could intertwine his fingers with yours, bringing your hands up to your lips and kissing both of them, you eyes piercing your soul with their intensity.

“You’ll be mine, that's a promise.”

General tag list: @hngbrooks, @alexxavicry, @mrspeacem1nusone, @halstead-severide-fan, @allivzs, @omniaimy

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redditpinterest · 4 months

Text

gold rush | cole walter

cole walter x female mc

summary: gracie has never been in love. she thinks. though, the enigmatic cole walter seems to have invaded her thoughts and infected her in every sense. she's completely enamored. too bad every other girl is too.

word count: 3.5k

author's note: i thought we could have a little haley james tutor moment and it was so much fun to write

*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:

When we are little, our mothers always tell us to never stare at the sun. That the brightness is too much for our delicate irises. It's hard to imagine that something so essential to our lives can be just as harmful. We count on the sun to rise, as much as we count on it to set. It's a constant in our lives, the kind of thing that feels comforting because you know that no matter what, it will never leave.

*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:

I startle as the bell pulls me from my thoughts, the ramblings of my calculus teacher going in one ear and out the other. Truly, I try to pay attention in class. But it's hard when he's sitting right there, not knowing. Not knowing that I would do anything to have the privilege of loving him.

I've always wondered what it must be like to grow up that beautiful. With the kind of hair that falls into place like dominoes and the kind of eyes that captivate a room. I've never been anything special. Not like Cole Walter. He's enigmatic, pulling everyone in and willing us to look in his direction.

Standing from my desk, I take my books into my arms and beeline for the lockers. I've got work after school, and we just got a new shipment in, meaning I get to spend my time reading the backs of the covers and creating a mental tbr. I force myself to forget Cole, hating how much of my thoughts he seems to consume when he barely knows my name.

Sure, we've been in class together since grade-school, but he's always hung around Dylan and Erin. Never me, not that I've even tried to be his friend. I'm not good at that kind of stuff. I much prefer to keep to myself, silently admiring him, because it's comfortable. He'll never know how much he consumes me, but that's okay. He doesn't need to. My crush on Cole Walter is as steady as the sun that rises each day. The sun never thinks about me, it just simply exists, and the rest of us revolve around it.

*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:

The next week, my calculus teacher asks me to stay after class. To be completely honest, I was confused, since I was doing well in his class. I had even aced the last test.

"Gracie, I wanted to ask you a favor. I have a student who is really struggling in this class and I think that he would greatly benefit from your insights. Of course, you would get volunteer hours, but I was wondering if you could offer your time to tutor him?"

My brows furrow, Mr. Henry leaning against his desk, his arms crossed in front of him. I've tutored kids before, but it was always through the tutoring center at school. A teacher has never explicitly asked me to tutor one kid in one subject.

I don't really have the time, working at the bookstore, being on the volleyball team, and balancing my other courses. But I would hate to let Mr. Henry down, since he's one of my favorite teachers. And the people-pleaser in me can rarely find myself saying no. Which is why I nod, holding tightly onto the straps of my backpack.

"Yeah, of course. I'm free seventh period, so if you could just send him to the tutoring center then, that would be great."

Mr. Henry looks relieved, sending me a smile of approval.

"Perfect, thank you so much Gracie."

"Mhm." I nod as I begin to leave the classroom, "See ya, Mr. Henry."

*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:

I feel like a little kid again, like at any moment I'm going to be scolded for looking at the sun for too long. But it's kind of hard not to stare when none other than Cole Walter walked into the tutoring center.

He's holding a green slip of paper, his blond hair gracefully falling into place. A simple grey t-shirt clings to his torso, his tanned arms seeming to shine as if he wasn't even from this world. A smirk adorns his lips, as his eyes connect with mine. I swear I feel my heart stutter in my chest.

"Gracie?" He lifts the paper in my direction.

I don't know if I can do this. I don't want him to be real. I'm perfectly fine with him being a figment of my imagination, a projection of my personal life. He didn't know me. He didn't need to. We would graduate and my silly crush on Cole Walter would disappear as if it were a hummingbird in the spring. There one minute, gone the next. And I was okay with that. He was never supposed to be permanent. But I'm afraid that if I get to know him, one of two things will happen.

He is nothing like my brain has projected onto him, and this daydream of mine is inevitably ruined.

This crush of mine becomes something so permanent that I fear I will never be able to scrub it from my brain.

Either one sounds like hell.

I realize that I haven't responded yet, and Cole is giving me an odd look that I can't quite decipher.

"Oh yeah, hi." I scramble to say, standing up from the table and holding my hand out like an idiot.

Cole's eyes glance down at my hand before bouncing back up to my face. Reluctantly his palm slides against mine and he gives it a good shake before pulling away with a laugh.

"So formal."

He pulls the chair out next to mine, throwing his body into it and leaning over to reach into his backpack.

"Sorry." My cheeks heat with embarrassment as I sit back down.

His scent immediately intoxicates me, and I can't tell if it's cologne or just him. The woodsy notes fill my senses and I can't help but wonder if he knows how enamored everyone is by Cole Walter.

"So, Mr. Henry seems to think that I need some help with calculus. Can you help me, Gracie?"

I give him a soft smile, not daring to look him in the eyes. They're the most inviting waters, though I would hate to feel like a sinking ship.

"I suppose I could, Cole."

He pulls his last test out of his folder, sliding it in my direction for me to look it over.

"Do you tutor a lot?"

I hate the way that his voice fills me, making my whole body flush just from his proximity.

"Um, not as much anymore. I'm kind of busy recently."

My eyes scan over the pages of his test as I nervously tap my fingers against the fabric of my jeans. In all honesty, Cole has a pretty good grasp of the concepts, he just struggles with using them.

Cole's silent for a moment before speaking again.

"Hm. Busy with what?"

I ignore his question, finally pulling my eyes up to look at him.

"I think this is fixable. You're not bad at calculus, Cole. We just need to work on applying the stuff you already know."

I don't want Cole to know things about me because I don't want him to become real. The more distance I keep, the more comfortable I am. There nothing I would hate more than for him to realize that I'm just as obsessed with him as every other girl. It's pathetic, really, the way that he just pulls me in without even knowing.

But I don't want a gold rush. I want something real, tangible. Cole Walter is nothing more than the kind of hope that humans hold on to. It's too good to be true, and I would much rather be looking at it from a distance than get to close and realize that it's all been a lie that I've been telling myself.

Cole seems a little caught off guard with my deflection, his eyes flicking between mine as if deciding whether to call me out for it. He doesn't, going along with me instead.

"Sure. Teach me the art of integrals, Gracie."

I work with Cole on correcting his test for the next hour, determined to focus on something that makes sense to me. Calculus. When the hour hand of the clock reaches three, I write down a list of practice problems for Cole to work on at home.

"Alright, these are for you to work on, and we'll go over them at our next session, okay?"

I start to put my textbook into my bag, standing to leave.

"Okay," Cole draws out, still sitting at the table.

He looks like heaven sitting there, the evening light hitting his skin in an angelic way. It seems as if even the sun herself can't resist Cole Walter.

"Okay." I breath out, giving him a curt nod before leaving the room.

I feel as if I can finally breath again as I step into the parking lot, allowing the fresh air to fill my lungs and clear my head. Heading toward my green Jeep, I halt when I hear someone call my name. I turn around, hand pausing on the handle of the driver's door.

Cole is walking in my direction and I think for a moment that I forgot something at the table. When he reaches me, he leans his arm against the hood of my car, taking a moment to admire my biggest pride.

"Nice car." He gives me a smile that allows dimples to form at his cheeks, and there's something so human about it that it makes me dizzy.

"Thanks."

He doesn't say anything for a moment, and I turn my head to scan around the parking lot, confused.

"Did you need something?"

I probably sound like a bitch, but I have work at 3:30 and I don't want Mary to be upset with me.

"Oh, uh yeah. I can't do seventh period for our next tutoring session. Taking my sister to her football practice."

"Oh. Well I have volleyball in the morning and work after school- I can't really do any other time."

"You could come to my house after work?"

The question catches me so off guard that I swear I almost start to violently cough.

"I couldn't- I get off pretty late and I don't want to make you wait for me. We could just wait until next week."

Cole seems amused at my rambling, tilting his head while my eyes fight to look anywhere else but him.

"Nah, it's cool if you're okay with it. I really want to do good in calc. Here, give me your phone."

He holds his hand out and I don't even hesitate before putting the cream phone case into his palm. Cole adds his number to my phone, texting himself to set it up.

"Okay, just text me when you get off and I'll send you my address. See you tomorrow, tutor girl."

I feel like my body is frozen in place as he backs away, waving at me before getting into his truck.

Cole Walter just put his number in my phone. My. Phone. What the fuck.

*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:

I think that my favorite thing about the sun is that it holds our entire solar system together. Its gravity is so magnetic that it keeps all of the planets orbiting around it in a constant rhythm.

It provides all possibility of life for us, while not harboring any of its own.

*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:

The next day, I feel like my shift at the bookstore lasts a million years. Time moves slowly, inching by as I dread going to Cole's house. Like I said, I don't like that he's becoming real. And even worse, I hate that I almost like him more now that I've been around him. This is absolutely dreadful.

I hold my chin in my hand as I watch the minutes tick by, my body shielded by the register. Today's been pretty slow, though I did see a new paperback release from Emily Henry that has me wanting to buy it immediately. When it reaches 7:30, Mary wanders to the front, letting me off. My stomach drops with butterflies when the reality of seeing Cole Walter's life outside of school settles in. It feels wrong, in a way.

Reluctantly, I type out a message to Cole, praying that he remembered the fact that we were supposed to meet after I got off work.

Gracie: hey, it's gracie! i just got off work if we're still good for tutoring

Cole wastes no time sending me his address, about ten minutes away.

Cole: See ya soon, tutor girl ;)

I ignore the way that heat flushes my cheeks from his text and drive to his house, admiring the way that the sunset paints the sky with the final light of the day.

When I pull up to the ranch house, the pale yellow home seems to tell a story. The final streaks of light disappear beyond the tops of the aspen trees, and the moon peeks over the horizon. I text Cole to let him know that I'm here before grabbing my backpack and closing the door of my Jeep.

Cole meets me at the front door, swinging it open as I walk up the porch steps, the dark wood creaking beneath me. He flashes me a smile and I notice his eyes scan me up and down before settling on my face. I'm wearing a pair of baggy low rise jeans with a simple black tank top, a white pair of sneakers on my feet. My hair is in waves, the dark hair cascading to the middle of my back.

My lips lift softly in his direction, as he leans against the doorframe. He adorns a worn broncos shirt and a pair of grey sweats, looking so effortlessly beautiful. My hands clutch onto the straps of my bag as I stand in front of him, needing something to release the pent up nerves.

"Hey." I rock uncomfortably on my heels.

"Hey," he nods his head toward the house, "here, come on in."

I follow him inside, kicking off my shoes at the entrance before glancing around in the house. Warm wood encases the surfaces, the walls covered in photos and artwork. My home is nothing like this, almost sterile in comparison.

I hate how much more real it makes him feel.

Cole heads up the stair case and I follow, my eyes scanning each image, trying to understand how a family could have this many photos. He waits at the top, watching as I pause on a couple of the pictures, admiring the large smiles that grace the Walter boys as they grow.

"There's so many." I breath out at the top of the staircase, Cole twisting the handle of his door.

"Yeah, we get that a lot." Cole laughs.

"No I mean, there's so many pictures. I think my mom maybe has five pictures of me as a baby."

Cole gives me an odd look, and I realize that I just told him something real about me. It's something that I didn't realize was that weird until I started visiting my friend's houses growing up. That the parents saw their kids as their biggest accomplishments, rather than a burden to take care of until I move out. Though, I've never known anything different, so I don't think it really bothers me.

"Anyway," I work to change the subject, resting my backpack against the corner of his bed frame, "did you finish those problems?"

He doesn't say anything for a second, before internally shaking himself out of it and clearing his throat.

"Yeah, all except one. I didn't know where to start."

I nod, placing my textbook on the floor next to his bed and sliding myself to a sitting position, knees pulled to my chest.

"How was work?" Cole asks, handing me his problem sheet before laying on top of the bed, head close to mine.

"Slow. But we got in a new book I really want to read so that's fun."

Cole's head is next to mine as we both scan his paper, and I give him corrections as well as a starting point for the problem he was confused on. His proximity has my chest tightening, my whole body feeling like it's in fight or flight mode. I can feel his breath warm against me, his heat radiating like a phone you've been using too long.

I play with my fingernails as Cole works on the problem. It's so weird being in his room, seeing the posters he hung up as memories of his childhood. His fascinations and all the little things that make Cole Walter, Cole Walter.

"Done." I startle at his voice and the feeling of his arm as it brushes against my shoulder to hand me the paper.

My eyes catch on a bookshelf, filled with worn paperbacks.

"You like to read?"

I turn my head to catch Cole's eyes, and he's a lot closer than I expected, our faces merely inches apart.

"Yeah. Mostly just the shit that my dad buys for me at garage sales, though. Bet that's pretty funny since I'm kind of shit at school, huh, tutor girl."

I roll my eyes playfully, a smile involuntarily taking over my face.

"Okay, first of all, you're not shit as school, Cole. And second of all, stop calling me that."

"Or what?" His voice drops, shivers covering my spine.

I gulp, my mind racing to convince myself that this isn't real. It's another daydream that will disappear as soon as I wake myself up. Cole's too close, and he's looking at me in a way that I can't understand.

Gold rush, I remind myself. He's not real.

"How have we never talked before, Gracie?" His eyes don't leave mine.

The Sun, being a dynamic star, is constantly changing. At least, that's what NASA says. And I believe them for the most part. For so long, Cole has been this comfortable force in my life, something just out of reach, but always there. As much as I never want that to change, I can't help but think that this is worth the risk. Because just as the Sun, we are also constantly changing.

Cole is propped up by his elbow, his chest in my direction. His scent, as always, is intoxicating and now I'm certain that it's just him.

"I don't know. I guess I've always been too nervous." I confess.

"That's such bullshit. You're like a billion times more interesting than me."

"Cole. You have no idea the effect you have on people." I breath out, blinking slowly as he scans over my face.

Cole's head dips slightly, and he's suddenly close enough that if I were to lean slightly, we would be kissing. His hand reaches to my cheek, my breath catching at the soft touch.

"Gracie." He whispers.

All I can do is nod, answering the question he seemed to be asking.

He brushes his lips against mine, softly, before leaning in fully. And it doesn't feel quite real, that Cole Walter is kissing me. Eighteen years of life, eight of them spent consumed by him when I was so sure he didn't even know I existed. I'd dated, but Cole was always there, a place in my mind just for him.

My eyes flutter shut as I lean into his touch, our lips molded together in a dance. He increases the pressure, tilting my head back with his thumb against my jaw. Cole's tongue teases my lips, and they part to allow him access as he moans softly against my mouth.

I'd never felt like this before, not even with my ex-boyfriend who I had dated for two years. This felt electric, something so overwhelming that my whole body was on fire.

I pull away slightly, needing to remember that it's not real. When Cole goes to kiss me again, I tilt my head toward the floor.

"I- um. I should get going. I'll send you the practice test for the exam next week, okay?"

I stand up and swing my backpack over my shoulder, stepping toward his door and swinging it open.

Part of me feels bad, but I don't want to be another girl on Cole's roster. It's just another crack breaking through the delusion that I've been convincing myself of for years.

Cole's eyes are soft on mine when I raise my head to look at him again.

"Are you serious right now?"

"Yeah, I'll see you around, Cole."

I walk out, trying to keep my head held up until I climb inside my car. My forehead rests against the steering wheel as inevitable tears escape me.

It's best to let him go. I would hate to fall for him, only to be crushed when I reach reality. Because falling is magical until that final bone crush, when everything hits at once.

#cole walter #my life with the walter boys #fanfic #fanfiction #cole walter oneshot #mlwtwb #mlwtwb imagines #cole x reader

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mp0625 · 5 months

Text

Fairytale of New York

Taglist. Masterlist.

Anthony Beauvillier x reader

For @swissboyhisch for the Hockey Girlies Discord Christmas Fic Exchange

A/N: Merry Christmas Erin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hope you have an a amazing one!!! Sending so many hugs!!!!! This was so fun to write! I’m going to put the masterlist and the taglist in a little while my laptop is being stupid

You wake up to a couple big snuffs in your ear. And when you opened your eyes you saw a big sleek brindle mass. “Ollie you need to go out?” You ask and his tail starts to wag faster. “I’ll wake up daddy.” To wake him up you hit Anthony on the chest. “Your son wants to go outside.”

“He’s your son now.”

“Since when is he my son?” You asked rolling over to face Tito.

“Since he woke me up at 2 am wanting to go outside.”

“That’s not my problem. I’ll make coffee while you take him out.”

“Fine.” As you followed him out the bedroom, him heading to the back door and you to the kitchen to start the coffee maker. As you start pulling mugs and creamer out you hear the back door open and close and Tito coming into the kitchen.

“Why is it so cold outside?” He asks while grabbing you from behind.

“Holy shit your hands are cold.”

“Yeah, it's cold out there.”

“It’s not that cold, it’s New York, not Sorel-Tracy.”

“Are you ready to do presents?”

“Yeah give me five minutes to finish my coffee, I’ll meet you by the tree.”

————————————————————————

“You ready?” He called.

“Yes.” You come walking in with a brindle shadow following you into the living room. “Can we do mine first?” Grabbing a small box with blue wrapping paper with snowflakes on it and handing it to him.

“What is it?”

“I can’t tell you, just open it!”

As he rips the paper open he sees the box that he’s been wanting to get for months.

“You got the watch I’ve been eyeing!” He says as pulls out a simple gold watch and starts to put it on. ”It’s perfect.”

“I knew you been wanting it”

“Thank you.” He whispers as he pulls you into a hug. “Now yours.” As he grabs a large box from under the tree.

As you rip open the slightly bad wrapping job you see at the bottom of the box two pieces of paper. “You got me the concert tickets I’ve been wanting.” You launch into his arms.

“It’s down in New Jersey though.”

“I don’t care.” “Thank you!”

“You’re welcome.”

“I have to go start lunch and the pies. I’ll put these in the bedroom so I don’t lose them.” As you stand up from the couch you grab the tickets to put them in a safe space.

From the other room Anthony heard. “Ow, fuck, fuck, Fuck!”

“You good?”

“I stubbed my toe”

“I know.” As he had felt the soul bond radiate with pain from his foot up.

————————————————————————

After you had gotten changed and started the pies and put the ham on the smoker. You started on the sides. “Hey Alexa, play my Christmas playlist.”

“Ok, playing your Christmas playlist.” As the first song came through the speakers you heard Fairytale of New York come on.

“Tito, can you start the green beans?”

“Sure.” He answers. As he starts the green beans, you start the macaroni and cheese by putting the macaroni on to boil.

“Tito, can you grab the pie out of the oven.”

“Which one?”

“Pecan, the sweet potato has about 10 more minutes left.” As he reaches into the oven to grab the pie out he hits the side of his arm on the oven door causing him to burn his arm. As you had your back turned towards the oven you didn’t know he had burned himself until you felt the searing pain radiating throughout your arm. You spin around quickly clutching your arm even though you hadn't burned yourself the soul bond screamed in pain. “Oh shit, come here!” You hiss, pulling him backwards towards the sink. “Soak your arm, it'll make it feel better.” As he soaks his arm you go get the small first aid kit from the bathroom. “Here, sit on the counter.” As he hops up you open the first aid kit and start getting the gauze and Neosporin out. “It should be ok enough to not have to go to the ER tonight. I can’t even imagine the wait in there from all the people burning themselves.” As you finish patching him up his phone starts ringing.

“That’s Matty, probably saying what time he’ll be over.”

————————————————————————

“Matty, it’s so good to see you!” You say as you give him a hug.

“Good to see you too!” “What the hell happened to you man?” He asks turning to Tito after seeing the bandages on his arm.

“I burned my arm on the oven pulling a pie out.”

“Oof that sucks.”

“Is this for me?” You ask, seeing the bottle of wine in his hand.

“Yes, I hope I picked a good one.”

“It looks perfect.”

————————————————————————

“This is some of the best food I’ve ever had!” Matt said, pushing his chair back.

“Are you ready for pie?”

“Yes!!”

————————————————————————

“I’ll see you later man, get home safe.” Tito said, walking Matty to his car.

“Come here I want to cuddle.” You said from the couch.

“Want to watch a movie?”

“Yess.”

“What do you want to watch?”

“What do you think.” You say looking over at him.

“Nightmare before Christmas.”

“Duh.” As he starts the movie and the opening credits roll you cuddle up closer, and Ollie joins you on the couch by your feet. You wake to someone softly shaking you.

“You fell asleep on the couch. Come on, it's almost 11:30, it's time for bed.” As he pulls you up off the couch he ushers you to bed. As you get into bed and get settled in. Tito speaks up. “Good night, Merry Christmas I love my watch!”

“Night, Merry Christmas, I love my concert tickets!”

“Love you.”

“Love you too.” As you say that you hear a big huff. “Love you too Ollie!”

“Love you Ollie.”

Taglist: @studioreader @honethatty12 @slafgoalskybaby @swissboyhisch @topguncultleader @wondershells @cixrosie

I know I have a few new people I need to add

#nhl x reader #anthony beauvillier #anthony beauvillier x reader #nhl fanfiction #nhl discord #nhl imagine #hockey girlies discord #hockey girlies fic exchange

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barbwritesstuff · 7 months

Note

is there somewhere we can find just a convenient list of physical descriptions of the characters from Blood Moon and Thicker Than? kinda wanna take a crack at doodling them

I have this for Blood Moon:

I don't have a list like this for Thicker Than characters. Very quickly:

Tracy looks like she's in her early twenties, has an average build, and brown hair, shaven short. She often wears wigs and changes her makeup and clothes depending on the situation.

Freya is curvy and has dark eyes and long curly black hair. She usually dresses in simple modest clothing and is fond of tea. Major cosy vibes. She's also a necromancer, and quite a powerful one, so... occasional zombies.

Marcel is neat and clean cut. Dark skin, tall, and lanky. He always dresses well and commands shadows so avoids brightly lit locations and sometimes seems to have several shadows.

Iliya is big and muscular. He has blond hair and a scar on his lips that is prominent enough it twists his smile out of shape.

Chris is a gender selectable character, which makes them hard to imagine because they have several 'modes'. But, in girl mode, boy mode, an enby mode, they have brown skin, curly brown hair, freckles, and green eyes.

Erin is described as freakishly pale with choppy black hair. She dresses like the love child between a London punk and a Cuban communist... if that makes any sense to anyone other than me.

Lee has long, black hair that he ties back, full body tattoos, and is lean and fit. Tends to wear blend-into-the-crowd sort of clothes... but he does have a leather jacket he whips out for the right occasion.

Lucius looks like he's in his early twenties, is quite thin, and has black hair. His brother...

Gaius looks like he's in his early teens, is very thin, and had blond hair.

I hope that helps.💙

I don't have a definitive look for these characters, so feel free to get creative. If you post any fanart, please tag me so I can see it. I love fanart so much.

#thicker than if #characters

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mochaxswirl · 6 months

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id like to imagine that dovewing inherited whitewing/her mom’s fluff and birchfall/her dad’s build. basically she is fluffy and chonky. id also like to imagine that ivypool inherited birchfall’s fluff and her mom’s build. she is short furred and slim. I don’t care about that part in oots where the erins said they looked extremely similar. they do not. (or maybe i just imagined they said that)

also, dove has one blue eye and one green eye. dove and ivy got the blue eye gene from their grandparents.

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felicitysmoaksx · 8 months

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Hi everyone! This is by no means my favorite chapter, but it has some of my favorite moments in the story and I'm curious to see which ones yours are and the ones you think mine are. But this chapter is very grief heavy so take care of yourselves and I hope you enjoy it. Also fun fact: we start this chapter where I initially started the story but then changed it. Song recs for this chapter: See You Again (Acoustic) by Tyler Ward, Hold On by Chord Overstreet, Forever Winter by Taylor Swift, and The Good Ones by Gabby Barrett

Rating: Mature

Summary: Her eyes squeezed shut before she dropped her head. Borrowed time. It was meant to be her…It was meant to be-

Word Count: 3.5k

Warnings: implied/references a canonical character death and in depth survivors’ guilt

The creamy beige walls with green accents, with picture frames lining those walls and warm wooden floors, were not what Connor was expecting when he stepped foot in Hank Voight’s two-story townhouse, after the funeral. Truthfully he didn’t know what he was expecting but the cozy-looking house, wasn’t it.

They were the first ones there after the service and Sarah had used her key to let them in.

“Camille, Hank’s wife, decorated the house, and he didn’t have the heart to change it after she lost her battle with cancer,” Sarah informed him when she caught him looking around. Like it had been since she was discharged from the hospital and in the days leading up to Justin Voight’s funeral. Sarah’s voice was quiet and tinged with sadness.

Connor let his eyes wander around the room once more and now his lover had said something, he could the feminine touches around the parts of the house that he could see from the entryway.

“It’s nice,” he said quietly, keeping his voice just as quiet as hers, as his hand, that wasn’t already holding hers, picked up a picture frame. A much younger version of the brunette beside him stared back up at him. Sarah couldn’t have been more than sixteen in the picture. She stood smiling, along with Hank, Justin Voight, Erin Lindsay, and a middle-aged woman with dark brown hair and brown eyes, he didn’t recognize stared back at him. Their smiles were bright.

“Camille?” He asked, nodding a little at the picture though he was fairly certain. Sarah nodded, nuzzling his shoulder a little as she leaned against it. She probably didn’t realize what she was doing, but Connor wrapped an arm around her waist. It wasn’t often that Sarah clung to him, but she was right now and Connor was willing to give his affection to her in spades.

“That was taken the day of mine and Justin’s high school graduation. Camille’s chemo had started to affect her with nausea and hair loss about a month before. She had even started to lose weight, but you wouldn’t have known it with the way she acted. It was like she was superwoman.” She explained and it was clear from her tone of voice, she held a fondness for the woman.

“You miss her.” It wasn’t a question. But his lover still nodded as she explained, “I owe a lot to her and Hank. But I think the most I owe to Camille is making sure I at least finished high school. She’s probably the reason I’m standing here next to you right now.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. Camille taught middle school. So education was pretty important to her and to put it lightly my grades were less than stellar. But it wasn’t because I didn’t get it. I just didn’t care.” It was hard to imagine the brunette beside him as a delinquent as she was alluding to. He always thought of Sarah as a brainiac and a perfectionist.

She huffed a ghost of a laugh, “I still remember the speech she gave me. 'I know the system and the world have failed you. You got into a situation that you didn’t put yourself in and you’re angry. And I’m not denying that you have a right to be angry. But Sarah, you’re smart. So smart. Don’t think I don’t see you helping Justin with his homework sometimes. So I don’t understand why a girl who is as smart as you, thinks it’s okay to fail yourself by not even trying to finish high school.'”

“Did it work?”

“To an extent. At least in middle school. I put in just enough effort to pass. It wasn’t till I entered high school that my teachers noticed I wasn’t trying because I was bored. I wasn’t being challenged enough, so a month into the school year I took a lot of tests. Turns out I was testing out of subjects to see where I could be placed at.”

Another barely there chuckle, “I tested out of the ninth and tenth grade. I was fourteen and a junior in high school.”

Connor couldn’t hide his wince. He remembered being fourteen and really couldn’t imagine being in junior year at that age. Fourteen and freshman year was bad enough. A watery chuckle fell from her lips, “Yeah, I had it easier than most though. Hank and Camille pulled me out of the private school they had Erin and me in when we came to live with them and put me in the public high school Justin was at. He and Tucker looked out for me. I had one of them most of the time. And if I didn’t have them, there was usually a guy Justin was friendly with.”

Silence fell as he placed the picture back on the table. Then Sarah spoke quietly, “She wasn’t my mother and I know that. But when I picture my mother, she’s who comes to mind. With my father, it’s different. Hank has been my dad for sixteen years now. But I still remember how my father looked. How he smelled and what he sounded like. At least a little. But my mom, my actual mother, I only have a blurry outline of her. I can’t even remember her face. Let alone what she smelled like or sounded like and Bunny, well was Bunny. We’ll just leave it at that. But Camille always smelled like flowers and lemon pledge because of her dust allergy. And in the mornings, when getting three kids up and moving for school, she sounded like a drill sergeant. But when you were sad or upset, she was the most soothing voice. The hypnotic kind you could fall asleep to.”

The brunette shook her head, “That must sound so weird.”

A wistful vulnerability had entered her voice now. So Connor pressed his lips to her forehead gently as he played with a loose curl to get her attention. Brown eyes peered back up at him from where her head rested against his shoulder.

“It doesn’t sound weird, baby. Hank and Camille raised you. Helped make you the person you are today. It makes sense that they’re who you picture as your parents.”

“Thank you,” he felt Sarah sag just a little into him and Connor took her weight easily, and wrapped an arm around her waist. “And thank you for being here today too. It means a lot to me.”

“You don’t need to thank me. You know I’m here for you.” He told her softly. Then it was over as his lover pulled away from him, rubbing tears away from her face while she made her way to the kitchen. Connor bit back a sigh. He wanted her to lean on him. He wanted to be there for her, but for all his wanting, when she did lean on him; Sarah pulled away just as quick.

Like the brunette was afraid of something. But Connor couldn’t figure out what that was yet. Though he had a nagging feeling that it had something to do with her comment about being an “extended booty call.”

The conversation about their relationship hadn’t happened yet. Though he promised his sister, he couldn’t talk to Sarah about their relationship right now. It wasn’t the right time. There was just too much going on right now and she was too vulnerable. But it was just a formality to Connor anyway. It could wait; it had for six months. Conversation or not, he was hers. Now he was just trying to ease her into it.

[LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK]

A few minutes later there was a knock at the door and Sarah came out of the kitchen, raising her eyebrows back at Connor who looked confused as well. It was too early for anyone from the service to show up yet. According to Erin’s text, there was a bad wreck on Roosevelt holding everyone up. (Sarah and Connor had come the back way to the house so they had missed it.)

“Do you want me to get it?” Connor offered and the brunette shook her head. He had been great before the service, talking with everyone when she didn’t have the energy to socialize. And her lover had even let her hide in his embrace when the service was too much for her. But she couldn’t keep using him as a crutch. She knew she couldn’t; it wasn’t right. She made her way to the door.

“Maggie,” Sarah said slowly before her eyes widened as she took in everyone else who stood behind the charge nurse. Will, Natalie, April, Ethan, Ava, and Monique stood there.

“Are we late? Sorry, Reese, we wanted to come to the service too but we couldn’t find enough people to cover a whole shift.” Maggie explained, wrapping her in a one-armed hug. In her other hand were two casserole dishes. One was regular-sized, made for serving people and the other was smaller. Made to serve one or two people. Sarah returned it, feeling a little stunned at the sight of everyone there, looking at her with varying degrees of sympathetic smiles. Ms. Goodwin and Dr. Charles and his ex-wife had showed up to the service, but Sarah figured it was a respect thing more than anything. She wasn’t expecting anyone else from the hospital with the exception of Connor to show up. (Despite her many claims that he didn’t have to come with her.)

“And the service felt more like a family thing and we didn’t want to intrude.” Natalie chimed in, taking Maggie’s place when the charge nurse released her. “How’re you holding up Sarah?”

“Plus we got lost. Whenever Jay talked, he made it sound like Voight lived in Pilsen. Not North Lawndale.” Will was next to hug her, squeezing her in a big bear hug.

“The GPS always gets it wrong anyway,” Sarah answered feeling a little like she was in a daze at the sight of her coworkers and friends. Choi wrapped his arms around her next and Sarah hugged him a little tighter than the others simply because he and Justin used the same cologne. The clean spearmint smell brought tears to her eyes and she had to blink back.

She couldn’t cry. Not here. Not with everyone staring at her with everyone looking at her with varying degrees of pity.

“But Sarah, something awful happened to you. It’s okay to cry.” Justin’s ghost told her sadly. Her tears pricked her eyes and threatened to fall again. She jerked herself out of Ethan’s arms as if she was burned. Thankfully no one noticed or they were too nice to mention it. April came next, whispering how she was sorry. Then Monique, who didn’t have anything to say, but squeezed her extra tight. Borrowed time. It was always meant to be her-

“If you want we can check the bandage? See how it’s healing?” Ava asked, when Sarah pulled away from her. She had been the last to hug her. Thankful for the interruption to her guilt-consuming thoughts, the brunette shrugged and grabbed the first aid kit from the kitchen before she led her to the upstairs bathroom in case someone else showed up.

[LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK]

“We expected Sarah to not be herself but I didn’t think we expected her to be so…” Natalie trailed off sadly, looking around at their friends for help.

“Lifeless?” Choi inputted softly and she nodded. Feeling a wave of protectiveness hit him, Connor opened his mouth to remind them that of course, Sarah was

going to be in a daze. Her brother had died. But Maggie and Will beat him to it.

“Nat, you were more or less the same way after Jeff died.” The charge nurse reminded Natalie, coming back from the kitchen. Maggie hadn’t said this in an unkind tone. Merely a gentle reminder, but the other brunette woman blushed and looked at her hands.

Their red-headed friend nodded in agreement as he told them, “And to be honest, it makes sense for her to be like this. There are entire weeks that I don’t remember when my mom and dad both passed. Let alone their actual services. Sarah will probably be on autopilot for a while. The best thing we can probably do for her is to be there and not treat her differently.”

[LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK]

“It looks okay. Rhodes is doing a good job.” Ava said, inspecting the bullet wound. Then meeting Sarah’s eye she smirked weakly. “You have no idea how much I hate admitting that.”

For her efforts at normalcy, the curly-haired brunette gave her friend a weak smile. Ava placed a piece of gauze on the hole and secured it with some surgical tape as she spoke in a quiet voice, “Though I wish you stayed in the hospital a little bit longer.”

A tear rolled down Sarah’s cheek. Her voice was broken and her face screwed up with a sob. “And I told you that wasn’t an option.”

“I know. And even though I don’t like it. I can understand why that wasn’t an option. I can’t imagine how hard today is for you.”

There were those tears again that threatened to fall. She tried to push them back but once the traderious tears fell. They didn’t stop and Sarah sobbed, “It feels like I’m in a daze. Like everything is just a bad dream but I can’t seem to wake up. No matter how hard I try to pinch myself.”

She showed her friend the welt that was starting to form on her wrist from where she had been pinching all day.

“Oh Reese,” Ava sank to her knees in front of her brunette friend as the other woman crumbled. Sarah buried her face into her hands. “And when I can’t wake up, I just start crying…”

Another broken sob as Sarah felt her body start to shake. “I. Hate. crying, Ava. It feels like the last few days, all I’ve done is cry. I should be all dried up by now. I shouldn’t have any tears left.”

“You faced something terrible. Something no one should have to go through and you lost someone important to you.” The blonde told her with a slight frown, bringing her into a tight hug. “You are allowed to cry, to grieve. To be hurt and angry that this happened. Don’t deny yourself that.”

Was it ironic that Justin’s ghost who seemed to follow her had said the same thing to her earlier?

Sarah felt herself start to crumble in Ava’s arms. Sobs wracked her body and that familiar stiff ache of a migraine emerging. With a sigh, she pulled away and scrubbed roughly at her face.

“Sarah,” the blonde said, but Sarah was already shaking her head as she pushed herself to her feet. “Other people are going to be here soon. I can’t-”

She couldn’t cry in front of them. She didn’t feel like she could because who was she? What right did she have to cry when in reality, as much as they acted like it, she wasn’t Justin’s sister. She wasn’t Hank’s daughter. She was the girl no one wanted. Her own parents had left her. Had left her with Bunny, who had no problem telling her she was just another mouth to feed. Another burden that no one wanted. (“But you are my sister, Sarah. Just like you’re Dad’s kid too. Just like Erin and Teddy.” The ghost seemed to whisper.)

“Sarah,” Ava said again, but Sarah shook her head again, already headed for the door. It was meant to be her. Not Justin.

“Thank you. For changing my bandage.” The curly-haired brunette said before she walked out of the door without another word.

[LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK]

“I appreciate you all coming but you really didn’t have to.” Sarah said, making her way back down the steps. By the way, everyone seemed to stop talking, she knew they had been talking about her.

“You didn’t have to come to my Dad’s memorial but you did. And you stopped Jay from kicking Timmy Oaks ass.” Will said as he grinned at her, nudging her with his shoulder.

“That’s because Erin was sick and at the rate Jay was going, she was worried he was going to kick someone's ass.”

“And you didn’t have to help me put together furniture pieces for my apartment but you did,” Ava said, making her way down the steps. She stopped behind her and Sarah turned.

“I bribed Jay, Adam, and Kevin with pizza and beer to put together your furniture. Then I helped you read the directions.”

“And you didn’t have to take me to the 21st and wait with me when my place was broken into a few months ago. But you did.” Monique added.

“I knew they would send you to the 13th. And I also knew Alder who runs the B&E unit. He graduated with Erin’s class at the academy. He’s misogynistic and thinks the only thing a female cop is good for is being a figurehead. He wouldn’t have taken you seriously. At least with Ruz and Kev, I knew you’d be in good hands.”

“And you didn’t have to come to my Uncle Paul’s funeral and listen to my Grandma’s ramble on about knitting. But you did. She also made a casserole by the way. She also made a smaller vegetarian one for you. I put them on the counter.” Maggie told her.

“She didn’t have to do that.” This time Sarah didn’t have a way to contradict the charge nurse. So she just shook her head. Because everything everyone had just said, although true, was different. That was them. Not her.

"She wanted to Reese," Maggie told her.

“You’re just as important to us as we are to you, Sarah,” Choi told her. His usual intense demeanor seemed to be toned down a few notches. April nodded.

“Friends show up for each other and you’ve shown up for us when we've needed it. Now let us do the same.”

[LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK]

Thirty minutes to an hour later, more people started to show up and the brunette learned just how small the world actually was when Autumn looked at Natalie from where she was pressing herself into Sarah’s leg with a large grin and said, “Hi Owen’s mom!”

Autumn and Owen had gone to the same daycare while the hospital’s in-house one was being renovated. Natalie told her, waving to the little girl.

“And,” Natalie added, “I had been room mom a few times. Is Autumn yours? I’ve only seen Tucker pick her up. But wait, she would’ve had to be born around the time Owen was because they’re about the same age…”

Sarah shook her head as the little girl left her side to chase after Travis, who was trying to convince Annie to let him have another soda. “No, Tucker and I go way back, and don’t get me wrong he’s great. But we don’t go back like that. He was Justin’s best friend and we went to school together. After his wife, Leah passed because of complications with the birth, everyone around Tucker stepped up to help out with Autumn.”

“I only asked because she seems pretty attached to you in particular,” Nat remarked gently. It was true. Since arriving with her father, and despite Sarah’s place by Connor’s, the small girl had attached herself to Sarah’s side (like she usually did) until a few minutes ago.

“Well,” the curly-haired brunette shrugged at the other woman, “It takes a village right?”

“It does,” Natalie agreed, and though she could tell there was more to the story, she let Sarah go back to her place by Connor’s side on the couch.

[LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK] [LINE BREAK]

“You’re not the guy I pictured for my little sister.” Erin took Sarah’s spot beside him on the couch, after Hank had pulled his lover into the kitchen to eat a plate of food he made for her. Connor took a swig of his beer, an eyebrow raised at the police detective.

“I’m hoping there’s a ‘but’ coming here?”

“I thought you were too overconfident. A little too full of himself because he was good at what he did and he knew it. It makes for a big ego in people and I thought you were too full of yourself to be what my sister needed in a partner.” She continued and when his frown deepened, Erin smiled softly in return, “But then I watched you look at my sister like she was the moon and the stars in your universe. I watched you sit by her side for hours upon hours while she was sedated. And when she was discharged and we were fighting about her staying by herself, you stepped in and offered up yourself and your apartment to try and make everyone happy. And you came with her today, to a funeral service of a person you didn't. Not many people would do that.”

Connor shrugged, looking away when Erin’s eyes bore into his. It was only then that the woman said, “A lot of guys would’ve cut and run by now.”

“It’s not in my nature.” It wasn’t. Maybe it was the trauma of losing his mom like he had. A subconscious pull that he wasn’t always aware of. If his father had reached his hand out to his mother more, and helped her deal with her bad days and her mental illnesses in general, she might still be here. Maybe that’s why Connor didn't, as Erin put it, ‘cut and run.’ Instead, he found himself doubling down when things got hard. “I don’t scare easily.”

He returned Erin’s look finally and she gave him another smile. “Clearly, you don’t and to be clear, this isn’t me saying I like or approve of you yet…”

“But?”

“But you love my sister. There is no denying that. Anyone who’s paying attention can see that and that is a good first step.” Connor shifted in his seat. He wasn’t denying her statement and you could definitely call him old fashioned in this regard but he hadn’t even uttered those words to Sarah yet. If he was going to tell anyone he loved the brunette beauty, it was going to be him telling her first.

So instead he said, “She’s not ready to hear that yet.”

“She will be though.” Erin told him with a sad smile, “We’re all just a little fragile right now.”

#one chicago #chicago med #chicago pd #rheese #one chicago fanfiction #chicago med fanfiction #chicago pd fanfiction #sarah reese #connor rhodes #hank voight #erin lindsay #my writing

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