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halloweenhoneylover · 4 years

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the struggle bus

summary: spencer is the kindest human alive, which makes things tough for the reader :/ (spencer reid x fem!reader)

word count: 5.3k (a doozy kinda!)

warnings: i guess angst, but really just idiots in love (my fav trope). reader is kind of a hot mess. also, mention of overdose via multivitamin.

author’s note: hi, it’s been approx 4000 years since i last posted, but it’s just because i have no concept of ‘efficiency’ or ‘speed.’ but it’s okay. some of this is good, some of this is eh, make of that what you will. also, this is supposed to be #funny sometimes so uhhhh, keep that in mind. ALSO, the title is majorly stupid, but it was the title of the google doc, and i couldn’t think of anything else......anyways, love u!

For once, the bullpen was quiet.

Spencer was immersed in some case file, doing some work that you should have probably been doing as well, but it was approaching the late hours of the night, and you would barely be able to keep your eyes open if you came even close to trying to read or write. Your desks were situated against each other, so you shifted your gaze across the small divider to him. His sharp features were softened in the lamplight, a sight that tugged on your heartstrings, and you took a moment to just look at him. Most everyone else was gone or was too focused on getting their work done to pay attention to your reverie. Derek, if he were here, would dub you as ‘lovesick’ and shoot mischievous smirks and wiggling eyebrows in your direction, but luckily for you, he was not. Twisting carelessly in your chair with your feet propped on the desk, you chewed absentmindedly on a pen, lost deep in thought. “Hey, Spencer?”

“Yeah?” He continued scribbling on the file without so much as a glance towards you, but that was perfectly fine by you, more time for not-creepy staring.

“How many of my vitamins do you think I could eat before I died?”

At this, he furrowed his brow and neatly laid his pen down.

“That depends on what vitamin you’re taking. If you’re talking about iron supplements, the limit is somewhere around 20mg of elemental iron per kilogram of body weight. Any more than that will have incredibly unpleasant side effects like abdominal pain, persistent vomiting, rapid breathing, and coma. However, if you’re talking about Vitamin C, it’s virtually impossible to overdose, but you might get a bad headache if you supersede 2000 mg.”

“Okay, what about my gummy vitamins?”

He narrowed his eyes at you. “While it still depends on what vitamins are included, eating a whole bottle of your typical multivitamin could easily result in death.”

You mulled this over. “So, I should definitely not go home and eat the rest of my gummy vitamins tonight?”

Spencer chuckled, “I’m not a medical doctor, but yes, I’d recommend that you don’t do that.”

Tossing your head back and letting out a small groan, you protested, “But Spencer, my gummy vitamins taste so good! And I have no food at home, so I guess I either die by overdose on gummy multivitamins or starvation.”

He couldn’t help but grin at your melodrama. It could be 12:06 in the morning, and you could still somehow make him laugh. He was starting to understand that he was in too deep, but he also had the startling realization that he didn’t mind drowning if it was in you.

“You’ve got quite the predicament on your hands there, (Y/N). Maybe you should go grocery shopping with me the next time I suggest it, so you don’t end up in this situation again.”

“Oh my god, dude!” you moaned. “I told you I was actually busy; I had to take Oscar to the vet for his vaccines! I try to be a good mother to my dog, and you know I’m not an anti-vaxxer. I’d never decline time with my favorite guy without a good reason.”

Spencer’s heart was doing somersaults at the thought of him being your favorite guy. He’d won plenty of awards and medals in his lifetime, but somehow, none of those measured up to the accomplishment of being your favorite. Pride and butterflies boiled in his stomach.

“Alright, fine, I’ll let it slide this time.”

You snorted, “I appreciate your unmatched benevolence, Dr. Reid.” Locking eyes with him, you tried to dampen the lava flow of heat in your chest that erupted when he looked at you with the softest expression you’d ever seen, but you failed miserably. You had to clear your throat and look away; it was becoming all too much. “Hey, I’m gonna run to the restroom. Don’t leave without me!”

As you dashed away, a thought crossed Spencer’s mind, and he stood up and set off down the opposite hallway.

You returned a few minutes later to an empty bullpen which made you frown, and your heart sank. You had thought he was going to wait, but guess not. Sighing, you tried to not let it sting too badly when you noticed a light on in JJ’s office. You knocked and pushed the already ajar door with a quick hello? before being met with an exhausted-looking JJ.

“Hey, (Y/N). I thought everyone had left by now.”

“Nope, not quite yet,” you replied, offering a weak smile. JJ noticed and wrote it off as fatigue. “You didn’t happen to see Spencer leave a couple minutes ago, did you?”

“Uh, no, I thought he’d gone too.”

“Hm, okay, thanks anyway!”

You prepared to leave, but she stopped you, cocking her head. “Why do you ask? Is he still here?”

Leaning your head against the doorframe, you sighed. “I’m not sure. He was here when I went to the bathroom, but he wasn’t at his desk when I came back. I’m a little disappointed. We always walk out together because we’re both afraid of the parking garage at night.”

A grin simmered on JJ’s face at that fact. “Well, I could walk you out if you’d like?”

“Nah, that’s okay; I don’t want to bother you.”

There was something behind JJ’s eyes you couldn’t identify as she replied, “Alright, then. Just let me know if you change your mind.” She definitely wasn’t thinking about how you didn’t want her intruding on a you-and-Spencer tradition. Not that she minded! She’d been rooting for you both since the minute you’d stepped into the BAU, and Spencer had looked like he was about ready to melt into the floor at the sight of such a pretty girl.

“Thanks, Jayje.”

Dragging your feet a little, you made your way back to your desk to gather your things, trying to fend off the disappointment. You had gotten your jacket on and were about to pick up your bag when you heard a (Y/N)! from down the hall. Well, that was certainly not JJ. Hesitantly, you called out, “Spencer?”

He finally emerged with his arms loaded with...something, you couldn’t discern what in the dim light. His face lit up like the Vegas strip when he saw you. “(Y/N)! I didn’t want you starving or eating all of your vitamins, so I went down to the vending machine and got you a couple snacks!” Arriving at his desk, he dropped the various bags and packets on his desk, and your eyes widened immensely.

“A couple? Dude, did you buy out the whole machine?”

Slightly breathless from his quick jog back, he waved a dismissive hand. “It was nothing. And hey, look!” He picked up a bag. “Fruit snacks! Just like your vitamins, but without the part where you get really sick.”

You were astonished, to say the least. And minorly speechless too, as evidenced by your mouth that was gaping like a fish. “Spencer...this is so nice. You really didn’t have to.”

“Don’t worry about it; I’m sure you would’ve done the same for me.”

At that, your face nearly split in two, and he mirrored your grin. You thought you might pass out at his kindness, and you knew you’d be thinking about this every day for the next two weeks at least. Your expression then turned mischievous, as you tried to tamp down all of the warmth bubbling in your stomach. “Do you want to help me try to fit all this in my bag?”

“I thought you’d never ask.”

———

Garcia had been practicing her ukulele peacefully when she got the call. (Well, ‘peacefully’ might have been a stretch as she had threatened to smash the object on her coffee table when she simply could not get the finger picking pattern she’d practiced for what seemed like hours, but it was supposed to be a relaxing hobby, so yes, it was peaceful.) Huffing a sigh of relief when the caller ID said [(Y/N/N)!!] with the longest stream of heart emojis and not [hotch >:( ], she picked up with her usual air of cheer. “What can I do ya for, my loveliest, most bewitching—”

She was cut off abruptly by the sounds of your horrible, heart-wrenching sobs, and her brows furrowed in concern. “Oh no, my sweet! What’s wrong?” She had to wait a few moments for your tears to calm (somewhat) while you tried to wrangle in your breath, so you could form some sort of sentence.

“Penny!”—gasp—“Oh my God,”—hiccup—“it looks so bad!” With your last word, you tumbled into incoherent bawling once again.

“Dear, what looks so bad?” She held her phone between her ear and her shoulder as she began to gather up her things. Whatever was wrong, it was clear you needed some good, old-fashioned Garcia TLC, and she was ready to give it.

The sniffling subsided minorly, and you choked out, “Remember when we were talking the other day, and I mentioned that my hair had gotten a little too long for my liking?” Oh no, Garcia could see where this was going. “Well, I figured I’d spend our evening off getting my hair cut, and I went to that new hairdresser, and oh Penelope, it looks awful. I don’t think I can ever go out in public again.” With that, your tears resumed.

“Darling, you know I’ve been where you are, and I know it seems bad right now, but everything will be fine. Let me grab my scissors and I’ll be over faster than you can say, ‘Penny, I love you so much, you truly are my fairy godmother.’”

You paused before whispering into the phone, “Penelope, I do love you so much, and you are my fairy godmother. But please, hurry.”

And hurry, she did.

Garcia was knocking on your door a little over five minutes later, which was incredibly suspicious because she lived at least 10 minutes away on a good day, but in the state of your disarray, you were not inclined to care. She sat you down on the toilet in your bathroom, whipping out her hair care set (she had definitely spent a significant amount of time dabbling in cosmetology, and it was desperate times like this when it came in handy). Squeezing your eyes shut through most of it, she snipped here and there, trying to make the best of this...horribly atrocious cut (seriously, that hairdresser should be sued), and when she was finished, it was not as bad as when they started, but it still wasn’t great. The rest of the evening was spent watching cheesy rom-coms and baking in an attempt to get your mind off of your hair.

Everything was mostly fine until the next morning, when you realized you’d have to go into work like this, and as terrifying as that prospect was in a normal work environment, you also worked in a place with an abnormal amount of hot people. (And you happened to be developing feelings for one of those hot people, but your brain was insistent upon ignoring that for the time being.)

Already anticipating your worries, Penelope had sent a text without your knowledge to a BAU group chat that excluded you (she had one of these for every member, it just made surprise birthday party planning so much easier).

[penelope :)] please DO NOT MENTION (Y/N)’S HAIR!!!! she got a bad haircut and she feels really terrible about it and doesn’t want to think about it so do not talk about it!!!

[jennifer!] Oh, no! :( Lips are sealed!

[rossi ;)] rip.

Emerging from the elevator in the nicest work outfit you own (an attempt to distract from the monstrosity), you scurried to Garcia’s lair before anyone could see you. Once inside, you slammed the door shut, and leaning against it, you slid down and covered your face with the files in your hands. “Pennyyyyy,” you moaned. “I don’t think I can do this!”

She swiveled to face you with a look of empathy. “Sugar, I know you can. It—it doesn’t even look that bad!” But Garcia was a horrible liar, and if looks could kill, she would have been dead instantaneously.

Heaving yourself up off the floor, you came to sit in the seat next to her. “Can’t I just work in here today? And maybe for the rest of time?”

“You know I would love that, but those other lovely people on our team need you! Especially the young doctor, you know he’d be lonely without you.”

As if her mention had summoned him, Reid opened the door to their secret meeting, files in hand, and your eyes nearly jumped out of their sockets. Garcia stared at him very intensely, attempting to telepathically tell him to not mention the hair, and you looked like a deer in the headlights, trying to figure out a way to hide yourself from him and possibly the entire universe. And poor Reid shifted his gaze between the two of you, helplessly confused as to what he had walked into. “Am I interrupting something?”

“Uh, no!” Garcia said in the least convincing manner.

“Okay,” he responded, not convinced in the slightest. “I just came to give you some files from Hotch.” So, he handed Garcia the papers and then turned to leave when you caught his eye.

And because he was not the greatest with technology, Spencer had not checked his phone that morning…. Meaning he had not seen Garcia’s text. So he looked at you a moment and cocked his head. “Your hair looks really nice today, (Y/N). Did you get it cut?”

This time, it was Garcia’s turn to glare (because read your texts, dammit!), and you fumbled for a response. As you scanned his face, searching for a sign that he was lying, that he was just saying something to make you feel better, you came up empty. He was telling the truth. He genuinely thought your hair looked nice. “Um, uh—yeah. Yeah, I did. Thanks for noticing.”

“You’re welcome.” He offered you a smile, which you returned easily (a fact that surprised you). “See you.” Retreating from the office because the vibes in there were weird, he shut the door, finally leaving you and Garcia alone again.

You were reeling.

You thought about when you had gotten dressed that morning, and you had entertained each outfit with great scrutiny, trying to come up with something that might draw attention away from your hair. In that half hour you’d spent, you had realized that you didn’t really mind looking bad in front of Morgan or Emily or Hotch or really anyone on the team. Almost anyone. With an increasing amount of discomfort, you had realized you didn't want to look bad in front of Spencer. Of course, he’d never judge you, but you wanted to look good for him. For your best friend.

And he told you your hair looked nice.

You smiled to yourself.

Garcia turned to you with a look of shock on her face. Had that been anyone else, she was sure you would have curled up in a ball beneath her desk and would not have left until every single other person had left the Federal Bureau of Investigation, but you hadn’t, and she smirked.

Oh, she knew where this was going.

———

To put it lightly, it had not been the best of mornings.

It seemed that everything that could’ve gone wrong did, so you burst past the glass doors of the BAU six minutes late with a coffee-covered shirt, mud-stained pants, soggy shoes, and a most miserable attitude. Hotch, while a sympathetic man, was still your boss with rules to follow and when you stumbled into the bullpen, gave a pointed stare between you and the clock, and you nodded sullenly. You understood his silent admonition, but knowing that he was even slightly disappointed in you, made your knees want to buckle. Swallowing around the slug in your throat, you set your bag down beside your chair and noticed a foreign object sitting on your desk. Interest thoroughly piqued, you reached forward to find it was a book with a satin ribbon tied on it.

It truly was a beautiful book with a deep crimson hardcover and the kind of deckled edges that you loved. Running your fingers along the rough-hewn pages, you finally noted the title, and you gasped. Beloved by Toni Morrison. Your favorite. The cursive words curved in black on the cover to match the ribbon, and you carefully traced the curling letters, wondering where this gorgeous book could have come from.

In the desk across from yours, Spencer watched the scene in front of him with a grin. He couldn’t help but feel pleased at the look of awe on your face as you inspected the book with careful fingers and a gentle gaze, and his heart swelled more and more the longer he looked. “Did you know that Margaret Garner, the woman the character Sethe is based on, her trial was used as part of an effort to dismantle the Fugitive Slave Act?” Your eyes flickered up to meet his, and those stupid freaking butterflies erupted in the pit of your stomach as you realized who had gifted you the book. “The presiding judge didn’t accept her lawyer’s argument that the act violated the right to religious freedom, but it was still somewhat of a turning point in the movement to strike down the law.”

“I did not know that, but thank you. For the fact and the book.”

“You’re welcome.” He had to avert his eyes from your strong gaze because he thought he might melt otherwise.

“Please don’t misinterpret this as me being ungrateful because I’m so, so thankful, but why?”

He shrugged, “I was just in the book store, and it made me think of you.” No, he didn’t keep an eye out specifically for this book on his weekly trip to the bookstore by his apartment after you had briefly mentioned your love of Ms. Morrison’s metaphors. And he definitely didn’t ask the owner Alice if she would let him know if she ever got any new copies.

Frankly, you were at a loss for words. Combing back through your conversations with him, you tried to remember when you had talked about the book, but you couldn’t come up with anything other than a couple words tossed briefly here and there. Suppose it wasn’t really the fact that he had heard, but the fact that he had listened. He listened and remembered things about you, little things tucked in the back of his brain, and it was how he thought about you even when you weren’t around. So, you clutched the book to your chest tightly as if it could meld with your heart and let your thoughts rage with the implications for a minute before smothering your mushy grin and tucking the book into your bag.

(Later, you pulled it out on your ride home on the metro. Spencer had already gotten off at his stop a few minutes before, so you took this moment of solitude to revel in the glory of your new gift. Every time you smoothed a hand over the cover, your mind was overwhelmed with what-ifs. What if he felt the same? What if his stomach rumbled with the same butterflies when you looked at him? What if this means he likes you as more than…. And abruptly, you were doused in doubt once again, muzzling those dangerous, rearing hypotheticals. This was a path that would only lead to disappointment.

Those thoughts only got worse when you read his inscription, though:

Dear (Y/N/N),

I hope you find great joy in reacquainting yourself with the graces of Ms. Morrison’s elegant prose in this new copy. I was inspired by your praise and read this classic again, and I can say that I definitely understand your veneration of her story-telling. Hopefully, we can discuss it soon, so I can try to see all of the details that you so admire. You are always much better at appreciating the finer things in life.

She says that, “something that is loved is never lost.”

I hope you know that you will never be lost to me.

Sincerely,

Spencer

(P.S. I wrote this in pencil, so you can erase and have the clean copy you wanted.)

You would never erase it.)

———

“Hey, are you alright?”

You sat at your desk with your head in your hands. Your responding “no” came out muffled.

Spencer frowned and sat on the edge of your desk. “Is there anything I can help with?”

Running your hands over your face, you finally met his gaze. His eyes were soft as they searched your own, and the expression on his face was not of pity or frustration but empathy, and of course, he was just being his sweet self. Your eyes watered in response, and his heart clenched at the sight. You shifted your eyes somewhere else, anywhere else. “Uh, no.”

It was clearly a lie.

Furrowing his brows at your obfuscation, he scanned your face for any indication of what might be the problem. A small sigh. He came up with nothing. “Alright,” he conceded hesitantly. “May I ask what is wrong?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

You stared down at the files neatly ordered on your desk, trying to mentally shoo him away with the sheer force of your willpower alone. But Spencer Reid was a stubborn man, and you knew this, and you also knew he wasn’t leaving until he knew you were alright. So, you both sat in the silence of the bullpen that only accompanied the arrival of midnight. The glow of your lamp bathed the vicinity in a warm yellow, and the tick of the nearby clock rattled around your chest as you attempted fruitlessly to subdue your incessant thoughts. He was close enough that you could hear the soft susurration of his exhales as his eyes flitted about the room to give you some sort of breathing room, and you shut yours for a moment to appreciate this moment of peace before the inevitable catastrophe to follow.

“I’m—uh, not okay.”

Finally turning back to you with a mildly surprised expression (he didn’t expect you to say anything so soon. Or so bluntly.), he offered you one of his signature tight-lipped smiles as encouragement to continue.

“I’m kind of really struggling…” you trailed off, gaze empty, ensnared in your thoughts.

Ever the gentleman with persistence that could last a thousand years, he gently prompted, “With…?”

A strong gulp and eyes squeezed shut. “With you.”

Well, that was not the answer Spencer was expecting. He felt like he’d had the wind knocked out of him, and he was hollow and shaken and in pain. Gaping, he fumbled hopelessly for an answer, trying to find some reason you could be upset with him. He had always thought you two were the best of friends; he’d never doubted that before. How could he have missed this?

Swallowing hard against the lump in his throat, he strained to ask, “Uh—um, what—what did I do?”

Upon witnessing his struggle, you quickly amended your previous statement. “No, no, no, no, no! I’m not mad at you, well, I kind of am, but you don’t need to feel bad, it’s not your fault.”

“I’m not really sure what to make of that.”

You huffed a sigh and covered your face with your hands in a poor attempt to try to hide the blush rapidly coloring your cheeks. “I’m sorry, I just—you’re so nice!”

Now Spencer was really confused. “You’re mad at me...because you think I’m nice?”

“Yes, Spencer! You’re so nice, and it makes me incredibly frustrated. You see this?” You picked up a book from your desk and waved it frantically. A little intimidated by your crazed look, he nodded timidly. “Do you recognize this book?”

“It’s a special edition of Beloved by Toni Morrison.”

“It’s the special edition of my favorite book that you bought for me because you know how much I love this book.”

Spencer looked like a deer in the headlights. “You always said that your book at home was so messy with your annotations and that a fresh copy would have been nice.”

“You didn’t even buy it for my birthday or a special occasion! You just saw it in the store and said that you thought of me and had to buy it. That’s so unbelievably thoughtful! Not to mention the fact that I can barely look at fruit snacks now without tearing up. And—and the other day! When I got my haircut, I hated it, but I came in the next day, and you were the first person to tell me you liked it. You weren’t even lying to make me feel better; I’m a profiler, and I know that you were telling the truth. And it took no effort or thought because Spencer, you are the most kind-hearted and compassionate and generous person I’ve ever met. You are so—so genuinely good.

“No, you are the best. You are the best person I know,” you stated with finality, holding his stare with an unshakeable firmness. It was the first time you truly looked at him all night, and his heart felt like it was going to expand past his ribcage and burst open like a balloon. Your resolve melted though and your voice dropped to a near whisper. “And you’re not just nice. You’re nice to me. Which just makes it so hard.”

You deflated, withering into your seat.

“Makes what hard?”

“It makes it so much harder for me to not fall in love with you.”

Stunned silence.

Until it was shattered by a hiccup, and Spencer finally noticed the tears leaking from the corner of your eyes, and he tried, he tried so hard to puzzle through all of this new information and the fact that you just admitted you’re falling in love with him, and for some reason, you’re crying? He couldn’t even get his stupid genius brain to come with a single word before you started stumbling into an apology. “I know that’s not what you want to hear because we’re supposed to be friends, and I know that you’re just a good person, so you’re nice to everyone. Believe me, I know. And I’m sorry if I’ve made you uncomfortable, but I couldn’t keep holding on to this by myself, and I knew if anyone would let me down easy, it’d be you.” You chewed on your lip and avoided his stare at all costs. “So, I’m sorry.” You sniffled.

The quiet that followed weighed heavy on your chest, and you couldn’t seem to breathe. You had expected rejection; you hadn’t expected complete silence. And this was somehow so much more unbearable. In a voice so faint you weren’t even sure if he could hear, you begged, “Please say something.”

A beat.

“(Y/N), I love you.”

A whisper just barely verging on hopeful, “What?”

“(Y/N), I—I love you so much.” His heart felt like it was in his throat, and his voice broke slightly as he stood. “You’re the first person I think about when I get up in the morning, and you’re the last person before I fall asleep. I dread going home at the end of the day because you’re not there. When you’re not with me, even if you’re in the other room, it feels like I’ve forgotten something, and for the longest time, I couldn’t figure out what I was missing, but it was you. You consume my every thought, which is saying something because I think a lot. Actually, it’s kind of funny,” he chuckled somewhat morosely, “I truly cannot comprehend the fact that you don’t know how much I’ve liked you, how long I’ve loved you because it feels like it’s so obvious and so potent that it seeps out of me, whether I want it to or not.

“And I’m nice to you because no one else is more deserving of kindness. I’d be lucky if you let me be the one to remind you of that, everyday. Because you’re the best person I know.” You looked up at him with shining eyes and the meagerest beginnings of a smile, and he just beamed right back. With a creased brow, he ventured, “You’re my favorite person in the world, you know that, right?

Failing to suppress your growing grin, you nodded your head meekly. “Yeah, I know.”

“Good.”

Spencer felt pleased with himself until he remembered that he had forgotten the most important part. “Would you like to get dinner with me sometime? Like a date?”

Standing from your seat, you wrapped your arms around his neck and burrowed your face into his chest, and he immediately reciprocated, clutching you as close as he could. “I would love that.” It came out muffled, but he understood well enough as he pressed his face into your neck. And you stood like that for a few moments, just existing together, and for the first time in a long time, nothing hurt. There was no worry of unrequited yearning or pain of terrible pining; there were just two people who finally knew peace. Knew that the person they loved most in the world loved them back. Neither ever wanted to leave.

However, sometimes necessary duties like breathing take precedence, so you pulled back from him enough to finally claim some air. Your hands slid down his front, resting on his chest, his on your waist, and you just stared at him. The most beautiful face you’d ever seen looking right back at you with the same expression of awe that made you realize just how lucky you were. And slowly, hesitantly, you both leaned in ever so slightly with heads wavering and tension buzzing. Gingerly and sweetly. Neither could commit, but no one could pull away from fast-approaching revelation.

Finally, a breath away.

“Can I kiss you?”

You nodded.

When your lips met, your chest heaved with your eager, romantic hopes and dreams bubbling up near your lungs, finally coming to fruition. His hands came up to caress your jaw, and you leaned into him. His touch was so gentle, but he also touched you with intention. For once in his life, Spencer Reid felt no hesitation, kissing the girl of his dreams. And you felt held by him. You were bursting at the seams of your existence, swollen with infatuation and tenderness, yet totally and completely encompassed by him. You could shatter into a million tiny, little pieces, and he would be there to collect every shard. How cheesy.

Both of you grinned into the kiss; the sickly sweet itch in your heart was contagious. You finally released him, and wanting to savor the moment, you tucked yourself into the crook of his neck, so his chin could rest on the crown of your head. “I love you a lot, Dr. Reid.”

He hummed in agreement.

It didn’t need saying.

#spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid #i hope yall see that the sentences that are syntactically similar and the parallel settings are intentional and are like stupid attempts at #motifs and that im not a stupid person :/#also #lol wtf was that ending #anyways #yo this may or may not be based on problems i be having irl #i just fall in love with anyone who is remotely kind to me #lmao #anyone else desperate for affection?? gang??#also r there any toni stans out there i luv my queen #is anyone out there? i just want friends ahh #ALSO DOES ANYONE ELSE HAVE THE OVERWHELMING URGE TO DEVOUR THEIR GUMMY VITAMINS????? IS THAT JUST ME????

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aynanasstuff · 3 years

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Abhi Na Jao Chhod Kar// Sam Wilson x Desi!Reader.

Summary: Sam and y/n are childhood friends who drift apart as life gets in the way. However, in that moment,it's like no time has passed.

(Okay quick A/N:i've mentioned y/n is desi but just to further clarify, in this scenario y/n is indian desi. since the word desi encapsulates a lot of people from a lot of countries, i just thought id mention that y/n is indian here. thanks! hope you enjoy it!)

Sam's phone call was a surprise, to say the least. The man was off saving the world, being a hero, making headlines. It didn't make sense for him to be calling you out of the blue.

_____

Growing up in Louisiana wasn't easy as a dark skinned desi girl. The red that some people adorned their values with bled through a lot, some of their beliefs didn't align with the red bindi your mom adorned. It was difficult finding a community, let alone one you could truly say were your friends. Sam Wilson, however, was more than eager to be a part of your colorful life. You lived right next door when you were kids and he seemed more like a blessing than a neighbor. You absolutely loved dancing and Navratri was a time where loud garba music was blasting in your house all the time. Curious little Sam couldn't help but wonder what was happening and walked up to your door, knocking on your door impatiently. You opened the door, looking at the little boy who seemed to be about your age, maybe older by a year or two. "Hey, um, what's up? I live next door, my name's Sam." "Y/n", you say as you extend your hand out to the boy, waiting for him to shake it but his eyes were stuck on you. You thought it was because something was wrong with you while he thought you were the most beautiful 8 year old in the world, in your little chaniya choli and a dainty maang teeka in your parted black bob and payals around your ankles.

"Beta,kya kar rahi hai? Bola hai na darwaza akele mummy ke bina mat kholna?!"(what are you doing,kid? Haven't I told you not to open the door without mommy?!) ,your mom yelled as she ran to the door, halting beside you. "Mummy, yeh Sam hai. He said he lives next door. Aur yeh mujhe khade khade bas ghoore ja raha hai".(this is Sam,he's standing here staring at me)

Sam, realizing he's been really impolite begins talking,instantly kicking in his southern manners, "Ma'am, I'm Sam, i live next door!" "Hi Sam, what can we do for you?", your mom asks the boy with a smile, her annoyance melting away. "Well, I heard really loud music and it's nothing like what the folks around here play, um not to say you're not a part of the neighborhood, I mean you are and I'm not here to talk badly about the music because I really like the music that's why I'm here and yeah I was wondering why you're playing the loud music, it's not that I have a problem with it or anything,like I said,"he finally finishes rambling, "I really like the music." Sam takes a huge breath in as he stops. You giggle in response and your mom smiles at him. "Well Sam, today is a very special day! We're going to be celebrating a festival called Navratri!", your mom replies, "It lasts for nine whole days! We dance a lot, we eat a lot, we pray to Goddess Durga and have a lot of fun,isn't that right,baccha?," she turns to you responding with a nod. "The music playing is called garba music, isn't it fun to listen to?" "Yes, ma'am, it is!," Sam replies excitedly.

"Sam! Where are you, boy?!" Sam perks up, realization hitting him. He was late for dinner and will now have to listen to his mom set him straight. "Well ma'am, I guess I'll leave now, my ma's calling for me, it was nice meeting y'all!" He does a little hat tip, smiling sheepishly. "Sam, come over sometime if you want! You can listen to as much garba music as you like!", your mom calls out to him. "Yeah Sam, I'll teach you how to dance!", you say, confident in your ability to make him your friend. Sam smiles, "Yes ma'am, I will! Oh and y/n, I really hope you do!" He almost has to hold in his excitement so as not to skip and give it away. That fortunate day paved the way for a beautiful, nurturing friendship. Your families became acquainted with each other and they, too, loved each other's company.

The friendship you shared with the boy with the toothy grin sooned turned into something more. You were both too scared to admit it, knowing that if it was unrequited, you'd both lose something that was far too precious to take a chance on. The day before Sam left for his first tour, the two of you spent a few choice hours in each other's presence by the dock, under the stars. "Abhi na jao chhod kar, ke dil abhi bhara nahi," you hummed under your breath as you fought tears knowing the distance would probably not sustain your friendship. It wasn't out of fear that you'd lose him, it was out of the fear that maybe losing him would be better than having to be so close and yet miles away from his heart. "What's that you're singing?", Sam asked, his warm brown eyes making you feel protected against the cold breeze over the water. You reply, with a twinkle of melancholy in your dark eyes, "Just a song."

But the both of you knew it was more than that.

_____

The tours, the avenging, the war, the blip ; Sam Wilson still hadn't forgotten about you. You hadn't forgotten about him either.

You both had a way of staying with each other without having to be there in your form. You lived in each other's minds and hearts and mended each other's cracks with those parts of yourselves.

This didn't mean you had actually seen each other since that night by the dock. The both of you only had a couple phone calls keeping you connected after. But time did as time does and you felt yourselves drifting away.Neither of you tried to reconnect either. Sam felt it was the right thing to do, to spare himself some heartache; so did you. Your lives were vastly different after he left for his tour and the two of you wanted to disturb the balance in your lives after.

So as you sat on the sofa in your childhood home in Louisiana as the sun shone brightly, Sam's name on your phone made your heart drop to your stomach. What could he possibly be calling about?

_____

So much had happened, in your lives, your friendship, the world in general, even the universe if you will. You couldn't help but wish he wanted to build the spark that always was a part of your friendship into a fire that gave you some much needed warmth.

"Hello?," you answer, picking up the phone. "Hey y/n, " you hear Sam on the other end and you find yourself letting out a sharp breath you didn't know you'd held in, " how you doin'? ". " I'm good, Sam. How are you? "you respond. He answers in a single word, "Good ". As much as this small talk felt like it was sucking the life out of you especially because you guys were once inseparable , you were okay with just hearing his voice after all this time. However, you couldn't just pretend this attempt at conversation by Sam and you was exactly normal between the two of you. So, you decided to tell him exactly how it is. "Sam, I-", he cuts you off" Open the door, y/n", "What?", "Open the damn door, y/n", you can almost hear his smile through the phone.

You walk towards the door, almost too fast, nearly tripping over your teapoy and you open the door, hands shaking with nervous hope. "Hey, you," Sam smiles at you with that same toothy smile you'd seen all those years ago during Navratri, "miss me?" You couldn't help but tackle him in a hug, distance and longing and silent innocent grudges be damned and in that moment all you could do was thank Durga Ma for bringing him to your door all those years ago.

___________________________________

Wow, that was a doozy and a half to right. This was my first ever fic y'all!! I'm so excited to publish it here! I really hope y'all liked it, this one means a lot to me! So enjoy it, like it, do whatever but DON'T PLAGIARIZE IT BECAUSE THAT JUST MAKES YOU PATHETIC!

Also tagging the besties:

@lil-stark @jacquessouvenier heyyyy

That's all! Byeee y'all <3

#sam wilson #sam wilson x reader #sam wilson one shot #sam wilson fic #sam wilson x desi!reader #sam wilson appreciation #indian!reader #x desi!reader #one shot #Spotify

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heyitsjay03 · 3 years

Text

Fighting For Tomorrow: Chapter Six

Disclaimer: Still haven’t bought AOT but I’m working on it!

AN: this. is a doozy of a chapter- i know. lots. and lots. and lots of words. but DAMN if i didnt love every part of it. however! if you guys prefer smaller chapters please please please dont hesitate to say something. seriously. id love to write you guys more frequent, smaller chapters but if you guys like the longass, slightly infrequent chapters then they shall continue. just say the word bby. also i felt kinda poetic in some of these sections so if you see reader gettin fancy with her verbage, don’t trip. that was my bad.

Reiner x Fem!Reader, eventual Captain Levi x Fem!Reader, Sasha x Sister!Reader

Word Count: 10k (i finished this at 2 am today before class and nearly passed out at the sight ‘10,008 words’ when i pulled up my word counter. CH-YOW this a big boy)

TW: gore/blood/violence/death, adult language/swearing, slight PTSD, mental anguish, self-harm, grief, nightmares, insomnia, hysterics, horse accident

You can read parts one, two, three, four, and five just by tapping the lovely numbers!

The flames crackle and rage before us, engulfing our comrades’ bodies in scarlet and gold waves.

Engulfing Marco’s body.

Jean had found him. Just… laying there. Up against a building. No one had seen him die, no one knew how he died, just that he did. Marco- our comrade, our friend... my friend- just gone. Taken from us. There was no valiant deed. There was no heroism. There was no triumphant story. Nothing. He just… died.

And that’s the worst part.

He was taken from us and no one knows how. No one knows why.

Marco was one of the first comrades I got close to. We were competitive- always fighting to outdo each other. I’d train two hours, he’d train three. He’d pass the ODM test after four tries, I’d pass it in three. Back and forth, back and forth.

But if we faced something bigger than us- if there was an exercise we couldn’t quite pin down, if there was another Cadet giving us problems, if one of our squad members were injured- we’d always come together to beat it. It was always like that.

He was like my little brother.

I scoff at myself. They all are like my younger siblings. Eren, Armin, Mikasa, Jean, Connie, even Annie and Bertholdt. They’re all family and losing Marco… it was like losing a brother.

I did lose a brother.

My brother is among the flames- being turned to ash before my eyes. Marco is gone. Taken from me. Robbed from me. From everyone. His intellect, his kindness, his leadership. All of it gone. Taken from humanity.

We’re just kids.

Marco was just a kid.

All of us- bright-eyed kids wanting to do our best for humanity. To take back what was stolen from us. To serve humanity. We didn’t know how much hate, how much horror was waiting for us. To watch our comrades- our family and friends- be torn apart in front of us. To lose the ones closest to us in unspeakable carnage.

All we wanted was to do something for humanity.

All Marco wanted was to do something for humanity.

He was just a kid.

Tears are streaming down my face as we all watch the flames consume the bodies of fallen soldiers. I can hear the crackling of wood, feel the heat on my skin. But the crackling is distant and the heat is faint. My chest feels empty and cold.

I lost Marco. I lost Hannah. I lost Franz.

And I’ll never get them back.

But I’ll be damned if I allow anyone else to be taken from me.

The Commander roars and rages before us, engulfing us in his words. They burn and singe like fire as they cross the Cadets’ ears. I can hear them whispering among themselves- asking if he’s serious or if he’s crazy or already resigning themselves to the Garrison.

It doesn’t matter what they say.

I’m joining the Scouts. Commander Erwin’s words are a comfort, a pleasant yet caveat warmth. Like a candle sitting beside a curtain. I know what I’m signing up for. I’ve always known. But it doesn’t mean I’ll be giving it all up now.

“I’ve made my decision.”

My eyes turn away from the Commander, landing on Reiner’s form beside me. His gaze is still stuck on the Commander, back straight and shoulders squared. I turn my gaze back to the Commander- not wanting to be chewed out by a commanding officer for not paying attention. “...really?” I ask quietly, “Where are you-?”

“The Scouts.”

My eyes are back on him. “What?” I hiss, “Reiner, you can’t... throw away your shot at the Military Police- you worked so hard, why would you-?”

“Eren was right,” he says quietly. I can feel his chest fill with breath before he chuckles. “They don’t need our skills so far away from the walls. They need us where we’re at use- where the people are.”

“Rei, please, please,” I whisper, “Please don’t do this.”

“Why not?” Reiner chuckles again, “You want me gone?”

“It’s not like that,” I shoot back, “I just…”

“You just what?”

“...I don’t wanna lose anyone else.”

“...you won’t.”

“You can’t know that… I’m already worried about Eren and Armin and Mikasa- if I have to worry about anyone else-”

“You don’t need to worry about me, darling… Because we’re going to get through this,” I can feel his finger graze the side of my hand before his hand takes mine. “Together.”

A shaky exhale leaves my mouth as I close my eyes. “...together,” I whisper as shivers run down my spine.

“That’s right, darling.”

“...those who wish to join other divisions are dismissed.”

Shuffles of feet scurry past me as I remain. I can feel their gazes, their judging glares and confused looks. They mumble to themselves. ‘Insane’, ‘crackpots’, ‘suicidal’, ‘deathwish’. Nervously, I swallow and grip Reiner’s hand tighter.

I can feel his smile. Proud and bright like the sun. Warming like the sun. Relaxation smoothes out over my skin as I soak it in.

I’ve done it. Finally. After years of fighting and hoping and wishing and dreaming about this very moment, I’m here.

The crowd clears out and a scattering of us remains. My eyes dart to each of the figures in the hopes of identifying my fellow crackpots.

Reiner. Armin. Mikasa. Bertholdt. Ymir. Christa. Sas-

My heart stops.

Sasha. Connie. Jean.

What the Hell are they doing here?! They were supposed to join the Military Police. They were going to, weren’t they?! Why are they still here?! Why aren’t they walking away?

At the very base of my stomach, something churns. Quickly and violently.

I think I’m gonna be sick.

I’m already going to be looking out for Armin, Eren, and Mikasa- I came to accept that long ago- but now Sasha? And Reiner? Connie and Jean, too?

Most of everyone I’ve ever loved has just signed their hearts and bodies away to the Scouts- to nearly certain death.

There has to be a way to change their minds, right? There has to be.

...but there isn’t, is there?

They heard the statistics. They know how many have died in the Scouts. They know all the facts, all the dirtiest of details.

And they stayed.

Gods, why did they stay?

I’ll drag each of them out of here by their ears, kicking and screaming, if I have to. I already lost Marco and Hanna and Franz. I don’t think I could take losing them, too.

But if they truly want to- if they know the risk and want to dedicate their hearts just like I am… why would I stop them?

I should be proud.

They’re- we all are- dedicating ourselves to the better future humanity deserves. To the eradication of Titans. To the freedom we all hunger for.

“Very well!” Commander Erwin’s voice booms out over us. “I welcome you- the newest recruits of the Scout Regiment!” His fist slams against his chest in a tight salute, “This is my real salute! Dedicate your hearts to the cause!”

The group moves as one as we all strike our fists to our chests.

My eyes glide from the Commander to Sasha once more.

She’s shaking. I can hear her stifled sobs from here.

But she remains firm in her spot.

She’s made her decision.

And I can accept that.

I lay awake. Moonlight flickers through the window- inching towards the other side of the room. It’s late and I’m exhausted but even when I am, I can’t sleep. There’s too much screaming in my head. Too much gore. Too much carnage that I can only barely remember. The only things that do remember are my heart and lungs- hammering and pounding and stretching to the fullest in the wake of whatever nightmare slinked back into the recesses of my mind.

Reiner stirs in his sleep and wraps his arms around my waist. Tucking me into him, he sighs and buries his head into my neck. “...can’t sleep?” he mumbles. His voice is deep. Deeper than usual, with a gentle rumble to it.

“No,” I whisper back, shrinking into him.

“Wanna talk about it?”

I stay silent. No. No, I really, really, really, really don’t want to. Talking about whatever bothers me is like pulling teeth. It feels like a burden that I’m casting onto someone else. And with Reiner… he’s burdened enough already. He’s everyone’s big brother. Everyone’s confidant. He shoulders responsibilities and punishments for others- never once thinking about himself.

But he’s exhausted. All the time, exhausted. And he’s so good at hiding it. Even around me. But I can see it. The way his golden eyes go hazy at times, the way his shoulders sag and the way things slip his mind. The way he can become an entirely different person with terrifying speed.

It scares me how much I think he carries. Because when he breaks… it’ll be cataclysmic.

Reiner’s lips slide up my shoulder and neck, pressing gentle kisses against my skin. “...well?”

But maybe he’ll open up to me if I take the step first. Maybe I’ll show him that there’s nothing to worry about- that I’m not going anywhere and that he can talk to me about anything. Everything.

“...I’ve… I’ve been having nightmares.”

His kisses stop where they are, lips still pressed to my skin for a moment before pulling away. His grip on me gets tighter as he pulls me closer. Reiner lets his head rest in the crook of my neck and sighs. “...what about?”

I laugh quietly, letting my fingers trail against his forearm. “...I don’t remember most of them but… there is one that comes back… every now and then.”

“I’m listening, darling.”

Slowly, I take a breath. My eyes close as I remember the details of the dream. “...it always starts off the same… I’m in a throne room and there’s a person at my feet. Sometimes… it’s a woman and other times it’s a man and other times, I can’t tell which, but… there’s always someone at my feet,”

“And they’re always crying,” I whisper, eyebrows drawing together and I grip his forearm. “Sobbing and pleading for mercy. A-...And I…” My voice quivers as tears start to flow from my eyes. “I… just… I don’t even know, I just… I see this… light- red light- come from their eyes and they just… they convulse and thrash around for a moment- screaming and crying and begging- before… before they…,”

“...before they die at my feet,” I whisper brokenly, eyes open and staring out into the distance as the scene replays. “And when they finally die… I look up… and there’s… corpses. Thousands upon thousands of corpses, Rei… All piled up on top of each other and in writhing rigidity. As far as I could see- there were bodies- and… and somehow I know that… that I… I had… somehow I know that I was the one that killed them all.”

“I’m your squad leader, Ness,” the man before us states before clapping a hand onto the horse towering beside him. “And this! Is my horse, Chalet…”

My eyes drift away from him, blankly settling on the various horses in their stalls behind me. I’ve tuned him out… I should probably listen to whatever he has to say. But… I’m so tired. Another night of staring at the ceiling while listening to Reiner snore and watching Bertholdt contort himself into a coil across the room.

I don’t know how many sleepless nights I have left.

My body lurches forward slightly as someone nudges me from behind. I turn to face whoever it was. Jean is towering over me with a smirk on his face as he pretends to be watching Squad Leader Ness. “...what the hell was that for?” I mutter, facing forward.

“You were falling asleep again,” he chuckles quietly, “Another… late night?”

I scoff and shake my head, “You’re a child.”

“You didn’t say ‘no’.”

“No, Jean,” I hiss, “I just… couldn’t sleep.”

I can feel him deflate slightly behind me. “...oh…”

“Yeah.”

“...I get them, too.”

“I really hope you don’t.”

Connie, standing beside me, scoots closer. “What’re we talkin’ about?”

Jean answers at the same time as I do. “Sex.”

“Food.”

Connie’s eyebrows furrow slightly as he risks a glance at me. “...huh?”

I sigh and roll my eyes, “We were talking about-”

“Did someone say ‘food’?” Sasha whispers excitedly behind me.

I sigh and roll my eyes again. “You three are-”

“Hilarious.”

“Your favorites.”

“Really hungry.”

Groaning softly, I shake my head at their responses. “Gods… I thought Armin, Eren, and Mikasa were a lot… then I had to get you knuckleheads thrown in, too.”

“Now!” Ness states, looking significantly more disheveled than he did a few minutes ago. Adjusting the bandana around his head, he huffs and stands up straight. “Follow me and I’ll show you to your dorms- and then you’ll be introduced to your horses.”

He walks off, leading us between the stables and the looming walls of the castle. My eyes trail up the crumbling stone- plants and vines and flowers managing their way through the cracks- and over the rolling hills dotted with trees. Sunlight floods the stone courtyard, basking us all in its warmth.

It reminds me of home.

Not Shiganshina- but of the modest cottage in the forest. I smile to myself, watching Sasha bother Jean with Connie’s help just in front of me. I remember playing with her in the trees. We made and marked that forest. There isn’t a tree in that entire forest we haven’t carved up with arrows and knives or with the undersides of our shoes as we climbed their roots and limbs. Sasha would be afraid at first- of foxes or wolves or falling or tripping. But as soon as I took her hand and led her to the sunlight, to the tops of the trees, to the very breath of the sky… she’d always hunger for more. To go to the brightest spot in the forest, to climb the highest tree, to scale the steepest cliff.

My smile starts to fade slightly.

She’s even more afraid than she used to be… did I cause that? Does she even remember? She was young when I left… Does she remember when she scraped her knee and told her that she was now one with the forest- that its blood was in her and her blood in it? Does she remember that first tree we climbed together? Does she remember the nights we would run barefoot around the dew-covered clearings in the heart of the woods with no light to guide us except that of the moon? Does she remember what it was like to not be afraid?

Will we ever get to go back…?

The group stops. Ness smiles at us and points down the hallway to our left. “Down this hallway are the boys’ rooms,” he points to the hallway to our right. “And down this one is the girls’.” He chuckles and turns back to us. “There is… one other thing.”

Uh oh.

“There’s only one bathroom.”

I stifle a groan. It’s a goddamn castle. How in the walls is that even possible- one bathroom, my ass.

“Well… only one that’s in good enough shape to be used, anyway. ‘sides the officers’ bathroom...” Ness admits, a sheepish smile growing on his lips as he rubs the back of his head. “You’re welcome to fix up the other ones, though! ...although, I think you’d need help…” Ness continues muttering more to himself than anyone else.

One bathroom. Unbelievable. I growl under my breath as Ness marches us back out into the courtyard. You’d think Captain Shortstack would be all over the renovations of this place- bathrooms included.

Whatever. It’s not like I shower when everyone else does, anyway. There’s always a possibility I could sneak into the officers’ bathroom like when we were in training… And there was that river...

“I can see you already coming up with a plan,” Sasha appears next to me, lowering her voice. “What’re ya thinkin’?”

I laugh softly, nudging her arm with my elbow. “Nothing regarding food.”

Sasha pouts slightly, “Fine… then what’re ya thinkin’ about?”

“Just plannin’ my way into the officers’ bathroom.”

“Oooh,” Sasha laughs maliciously. “Do you think they’ll have hot water?”

I sigh, closing my eyes and imagining the steam and feel of hot water cascading down my body. Hot water was a privilege in the Cadet Corps. ...one that was constantly being robbed from me. I’d mostly show up after everyone had already showered, praying that maybe I’d have even a moment to myself to unwind- and to not be stared at. And nearly every time, I bathed in freezing cold water. But there were a few times where I’d be wrapped in steam, delicate streams of hot water warming my frigid body.

...now that I think about it, those ‘few times’ were whenever Reiner would wake me up early to get in the shower before everyone else.

“Gods,” I mumble, looking at Reiner as he walks with Bertholdt and Annie. “I really hope so, ‘tato-muncher.”

As if he felt my gaze on him, Reiner turns around and smiles. I return the smile with a scrunch of my nose. Reiner’s eyes glide behind me for a second, returning to me before darting back behind me. I turn around to follow his gaze.

Eren.

Eren runs straight for us, green cape flaring out behind him as he charges towards the group. Our eyes meet and his pace increases. My hand latches onto Sasha’s sleeve and tugs, “‘Tato! ‘Tato, look!” I laugh, slapping Connie’s shoulder. “Look who it is!”

Connie and Sasha turn around and I can hear the others turn along with them. Armin and Mikasa greet him first, taking him into their arms and speaking quietly amongst themselves for a moment. When they break away, Eren’s smile widens as he looks over us.

“...you’re all here?” he asks quietly, smile slightly fading. “You all joined the Scouts?”

“Well, yeah,” I laugh, “Why else would we be here- shits ‘nd giggles?”

Eren rolls his eyes before scanning over us again. “Wait… if you’re all here… That means Jean, Marco, and Annie all joined the Military Police.”

My heart plummets like a rock into my stomach. That’s right. He wasn’t there for the funeral. He doesn’t know.

The remaining section of our group walks up behind Eren- Jean leading them all. Eren turns around and groans. “Not you, too.”

Jean doesn’t react. His face unreadable and voice flat, he rips the bandage off. “Marco’s dead.”

“...what?” Eren mumbles, “What did you just… What’d you just say? Did you say Marco died?”

Jean’s voice stays still as he continues.

“Seems like not everyone can die a dramatic death.”

“You don’t think it’s weird?” I laugh, picking up a section of hay and starting back towards the stable. “We know everyone, every thing’s position in the formation except Eren’s- arguably the most volatile and important piece of information to have. That isn’t the least bit confusing to you?”

Reiner shrugs, taking the hay from my hands. “Dunno… I haven’t really thought about it.”

I huff and shake my head, stepping in front of him and taking the hay back. “I can carry it,” I mutter, looking at the ridges growing in his face. “And by the look on your face, you have been thinking about it.” I turn around, lifting the hay over the stable door and onto the growing pile just beside my horse.

My horse nudges me with his nose, huffing. I smile and rub my hand up and down his nose, “...needy, aren’t we?” I whisper softly.

“Ya gonna give him a name?” Reiner asks, patting his hand against the horse’s neck.

Peeking down under the horse’s neck, I squint up at him. “You didn’t answer me.”

Reiner rolls his eyes and walks away, sighing. “You didn’t ask anything.”

“I asked if you were thinking about why we weren’t being filled in on Eren’s location in the formation.”

“Technically, you didn’t ask,” he shoots back.

My eyes lock with his in an intense stare. “...we really gonna do this right now?” I ask quietly, still petting my horse.

Reiner sighs and looks away, running a hand through his hair. I turn back to my horse, letting my forehead rest against his cheek. Reiner sighs again. The three of us stand in silence- only my horse breaking the silence with occasional huffs and flicks of his tail.

“...I have been thinking about it,” Reiner finally mumbles. “But… not like you have.”

Here we go again with him being all cryptic and skittish and avoidant. I am so sick of this game.

“Then how have you been thinking about it, Reiner?” I hiss, lifting my head off my horse and looking into his large grey eye. “All the time- just when I think you’re gonna open up to me about what’s going on in that…” I sigh frustratedly, “That… that… stupid, thick, adorable, blond head’a yours you just… you shut me back out again. And it’s so goddamn irritating, Rei,” I admit with a slight squeak in my voice.

Slowly, I turn to face him, gaze dropping down to the ground. “...I’ve been… I’ve been so open with you. More open than I have with anyone in my whole life- except, I dunno... Sasha- but I just… It’d be nice to have some’a that returned.”

I can hear him get closer to me. Gently, his arms wrap around me and tuck me into his chest. I’m swallowed in his embrace as he runs his fingers up and down my back. “...okay,” he whispers, “okay, darling… I’ll… I’ll try and open up to you, okay? I’ll…” he trails off and sighs, tightening his hold on me as he places his chin on the top of my head.

“I know how hard it is, and… I… I’m not trying to force it out of you or anything… I just… I want to help you,” I whisper quietly. “And I promise you, Rei...I’m not going anywhere.”

There’s a coldness in his laugh. It leaves his lips like ice and falls to the floor like daggers. “Thank you, darling. Just…,” Reiner takes my shoulders, pushing us apart. His gold eyes have slightly lost their luster as they peer deep into me. I squirm slightly in his stare, eyebrows furrowing. “You have to understand that there is a lot happening- something... bigger, darling.”

I blink and tilt my head slightly to the side. “Did you… did you get another assignment?” I ask quietly, “Something under the table?”

Reiner is quiet for a moment, eyes flicking between mine. “...yes. Something under the table- from people higher than the Captain.”

My eyes widen slightly. Is this what’s been weighing on him for so long? That’s why he’s been missing at times? What he’s been trying to tell me? Another assignment that he can’t talk about, even with me-

Oh gods.

I feel like a total ass.

“Who…?” I ask quietly, taking note of the way he straightens up to scan around us before shrinking back down.

Reiner scoots us back, tucking me up against the stable door. “I… I can’t tell you but… you understand that, right, darling?” He asks hopefully, a small lilt to his voice. Gently, his fingers trail my face and a small smile crosses my face. His lips mirror mine.

“I understand that, love,” I hum, leaning into his touch. “I do… I do have another question.”

Reiner smiles wider, lovingly staring down at me. “What is it, darling?”

Nervous claws at my stomach.

I shouldn’t ask this.

Why? He’s finally being open with me- willing to at least tell me what’s wrong. Shouldn’t I-

No. There’s something bigger here. Don’t. Ask.

“__________?”

I swallow my fear and meet his gaze. “...I heard you the night after the first clean-up operation,” I admit quietly, “with Annie and Bertholdt.”

Reiner’s eyes darken, dropping down and avoiding my gaze. “...how much did you...?”

“Not much,” I laugh nervously, “Just you guys arguing about telling me… and Annie saying to only tell me when you’re sure of how I’d feel.”

With a sigh of relief, he closes his eyes and smiles. He quickly presses his lips to my forehead. “Okay, okay… Okay… Sorry, I just… I don’t need t’get... chewed out for that.” I chuckle softly, “So… that big’a deal, huh?”

Reiner laughs, “Yes. That big of’a deal.”

“...so… it’s you, Annie, and Bertholdt,” I mumble, picking at the leather strap running down his chest. “Anyone else that I know?”

“No, just us three.”

“Am… am I in danger?” I ask jokingly, “All this secrecy- it makes me wonder.”

Reiner doesn’t laugh with me.

“Rei?” I call, looking up at him. “...am I?”

His eyes slide down to me, a small smile on his lips. “...stick with me, darling- I’ll keep ya safe.”

“...what?”

“There’s a lot at work here, __________,” Reiner sighs, his eyes going hazy for a second as he relives whatever is ‘at work’. Blinking, he focuses back on me. “But I can keep you safe. I’ve been keeping you safe.”

What does this even mean? Are there people I can’t trust? If that’s true, then what? What am I supposed to do? Be some tiny little doll cowering in fear behind him? I hate being treated like some weak, fragile, defenseless thing. And what if he gets hurt protecting me? What then? What if something goes wrong and he ends up being blamed for something he didn’t do?

And what about Sasha?

“...what about my sister? What about her? Who’s gonna keep her safe?” I ask, clutching the fabric covering his chest, “If anything happens to Sasha, I…”

“Nothing’s gonna happen to Sasha,” Reiner hums quietly, “We’re gonna keep her safe.”

“And Eren? Mikasa? Armin? What about the boys? If any of them get hurt, Rei, I just… I don’t think I could…”

“__________,” he says firmly, catching my attention. Slowly, my eyes slide up to meet his again. They’re gentle and glowing in the fading sunlight. His hand trails down my face again, leaving a buzzing wake behind it.

“You need to trust me.”

I swallow and nod quickly. “Okay, yes, okay… Okay, you’re right. We… We are all gonna be okay.”

Reiner chuckles and lets his chin rest on the top of my head as he tucks me into his chest again.

“That’s my girl.”

“Oiii!” I yell, waving a hand over my head. “Ponytail!”

Eld’s head starts swiveling around, looking for whoever called him. With a gentle kick of my horse, he trots closer. “Eld!” I call again, sliding off the side of my horse. My feet hit the dirt just in front of him as I straighten up, shaking a few stray hairs out of my eyes. “It’s good to see ya again.”

Eld smiles and chuckles, gesturing down to the emerald green cape around my shoulders. “So you made it.”

I look down and rub the fabric between my fingers. A smile crosses my face as I look back up to him. “Just like I dreamed I would.”

“You’re in pretty high spirits,” Oluo scoffs as he walks by with a supply box. Setting it down into a wagon, he huffs and turns to face us. “Considering we’ll all be facing death in a few hours.”

“Always the charmer, huh?” I mutter quietly, earning a small laugh from Eld. “And if you have t’know, I’m just happy we’re one step closer to going outside the walls…” I smile to myself, imagining the places Armin used to talk about. Fire water, ice hills, saltwater that goes on for so long even the merchants couldn’t drain all the salt from it.

I think that’ll be my favorite. ‘Sea’.

Oluo scoffs again. “Bright-eyed, suicidal recruit… Just don’t get someone else killed, will ya?”

“What the hell’s that supposed t’mean?” I snap back.

Oluo smiles crookedly, realisation splitting his face like a piece of china. “Struck a nerve, huh?,” he laughs, “Better get rid of those if you wanna make it.”

“Bold talk for someone that’s too insecure to keep his own personality,” I mutter, rolling my eyes. I turn my attention back to Eld- who’s gone awfully quiet as the two of us went at it. A blush is back on his cheeks and I can see him fidgeting with his gaze in an effort to mind his own business.

“...uhm…” He mumbles as his eyes catch someone walking behind me. “This is Petra!” Eld blurts, tugging a woman by the arm. “The one that checked on you when you were, uh… asleep.”

“In a coma, more like,” I laugh, dipping my head to the woman. She has ginger hair cut just above her shoulders and soft, kind eyes. There’s something about her that reminds me so much of a deer for some reason.

Petra’s eyes suddenly light up as she looks over me again. “I remember you- you’re __________! I didn’t know you had your heart set on the Scouts. Which is surprising… considering how much Eld talks about you.”

Eld’s face goes even redder. He stands rigidly, eyes fixated on the horizon.

...I think he just went into shock.

“Well, thank you,” I hum, giving Petra another smile. “For checking in on me.”

Petra shakes her head, “It wasn’t any issue at all.”

I dip my head again and lightly punch Eld’s shoulder. “Hopefully you told her the story of how I kicked your and Oluo’s asses.”

Petra tilts her head slightly to the side before a wicked smile crosses her lips. “...I don’t think I’ve heard that one, __________. Please, tell me.”

“Well, I was walking down an alleyway when-”

“That’s good!” Eld suddenly yelps, “Thank you so much, __________, for stopping by, but the Captain’s calling us!”

Petra giggles as Eld walks behind her, pushing her by the shoulders. Captain Shortstack Jackass is watching them with his arms crossed over his chest, eyebrows furrowed. He very obviously didn’t call either of them. “You’ll have to tell me when we get back!” Petra calls.

“Of course!” I laugh, watching as Eld goes even redder. Petra waves over his shoulder and I do the same before mounting my horse. I give his neck a gentle pat and urge him forward- back towards the stable.

“You... need a name, Horse,” I mutter as we trot past the various wagons and other Scouts getting their horses and gear ready. “All horses have names… I guess.”

Horse huffs at me.

“Well… you’re…” I look down at his coat as we start to pick up speed. It shimmers in the sunlight, revealing the faint speckles of black and grey under his cream-colored coat. “You’re cream and you’ve got freckles. And last I checked, you have grey-” Horse looks over slightly at me, light-brown eyes glistening. “Sorry… brown eyes. And black mane and tail.”

My eyes flick up, locking onto the figure standing just a few feet in front of my horse. Gripping the reins, I tug back to stop Horse from trampling whoever is in front of me. Instead, I feel myself being shot forward and colliding with the ground. Pain shoots out from my arm, branching out in heated flashes.

I roll onto my back and stare up at the clouds as they lazily float by. “Gods…” I mutter to myself, “That sucked.”

“Told you I’m better at handling horses than you.”

I sit straight up. My head on a swivel, I look around for the voice. It sounded just like… It couldn’t have been- no. No, I’m just-

My eyes land on him. Standing just a couple feet away, with a green Scouts cape on over his shoulders and ODM gear strapped on. He laughs, walking closer and shaking his head. “Jeez, __________, you’ll really get yourself killed if you keep trying to keep up with me.”

“Freckles?” I whisper.

Marco smiles and laughs again, “Really hit your head hard, didn’t you?”

“Freckles?” I whisper again, reaching out to touch him.

This isn’t real. It can’t be real. He’s dead. Bit in half. Died alone. Left in the sun to rot for days. He’s dead.

“Ah, jeez, you really did hit your head hard,” Marco mumbles, crouching down beside me. “We gotta get you to Sasha. She’s got some experience with injuries, doesn’t she…? And I won’t even tell Reiner! It’ll just be between us, okay?” He asks, worriedly scanning my face.

“Freckles, you… You… You aren’t here.”

“What are ya talkin’ about? I’m right here, remember? We were practicing horseback riding and maneuvering. Don’t you remember the bet we had?”

Wait a moment.

This was real.

This… this happened already, why am I…?

“...it was my haul from the Commandant’s office,” I whisper, “The… the fountain pen. You’d… you’d take it if I couldn’t pull off a sharp turn and activate my ODM gear while jumping off my horse.”

Tears start to cloud my vision as I stare up at him. “You aren’t really here,” I croak, “Are you?”

Marco shakes his head.

“...I miss you, Freckles,” I smile, tears slipping down my face as I look up at him. My hand brushes through his cheek- like he was a colored mist- but his smile remains. “Gods, I miss you.”

“You’ll see us again.”

I nod, feeling my tears start down the sides of my face. “...tell Franz and Hanna I said ‘hi’.”

“I will.”

“And you… you stay outta trouble, you hear me?” I laugh, tears choking me at the base of my chest.

“You’re the one that needs to stay outta trouble.”

I nod and laugh again, shaking my head.

“...take… take care’a the others for me, will you?” I nod silently. Marco looks up as Horse trots closer. “It’s time for me to go. Just… close your eyes, okay?”

My eyes slide closed before voices start to swarm around me. Bleeding into one another, it makes it so damned hard to hear what anyone is actually saying. All I can do is feel.

And someone’s got me by the shoulders, shaking me pretty damned hard.

I open my eyes to see familiar faces. “...I’ve got to stop waking up to you guys looking down at me like I’ve died.”

The four of them sigh.

“If you die because of a stupid horse incident, I’ll never forgive you,” Jean mutters, getting to his feet and walking away. I can hear him muttering about ‘how stupid’ of a funeral that would be.

“What?” I laugh, wincing at the pain shooting from above my left eye. My fingers graze the spot- only to pull away with a scarlet coloring.

Ah, shit.

“So,” Reiner grumbles, scooping me off the ground effortlessly. “You and your horse have a bit of an issue?”

I scoff, curling into myself as my head starts to pound.

“No?” He asks as we walk towards the castle. “Then what the Hell kind of stunt were you tryin’a pull?”

“I-,” I stop and groan, clutching my temples as they begin to sear. “I… I thought… I thought I saw someone.”

Reiner looks down at me as he pushes the castle door open with his back. Eyebrows furrowed, eyes flicking over every inch of me. It’s the same damn look as every other time I’ve gotten hurt. Which… arguably… is a lot of times.

The ODM incident where I almost cracked my skull open on a tree branch.

The time I slipped and fell in the bathroom.

The sparring training where I cracked three of my ribs. And my arm. And dislocated my shoulder. All because I wouldn’t yield.

The rooftop.

The grocery store.

Various little minor accidents scattered throughout.

And now this.

We round the corner and he places me onto a bed. I watch as he runs a hand down my face and sticks his head out the hallway to look around before returning to my side. Reiner sighs. “What am I gonna do with you?”

“Love me,” I hum, closing my eyes slightly as the pain throbs and squirms beneath my skin. “Unconditionally.”

“Gods,” he mutters, scooting closer. “I probably will.”

“Probably?” I ask quietly. “Not ‘most definitely’?”

A deep sigh passes his lips. It rumbles in his chest like thunder. Calming, soothing, gentle thunder. Memories of the forest running to find shelter as another storm took us by surprise. Bare feet padding the grass. Clothes sticking to our skins. Hair plastered to our faces- much like our smiles. Wiping her face as she ducks behind my arm. Telling her that the forest was telling the sky a joke, that the thunder was the sky’s laughter. Watching her peek out to watch the forest and sky talk, laughing as she swears she heard the punchline.

Does she remember what it was like to not be afraid?

“Hey,” Rei mutters, shaking my arm slightly. “Don’t go to sleep on me yet.”

“...sorry,” I mumble, opening my eyes and letting them glide to his spot beside me. “Where is she-”

The door slams open. Sasha- with eyes wide and clutching medical supplies to her chest- pants in the doorway. “Did I make it?” She asks wearily.

“Did…,” I trail off, sitting up to look at her. “Did you think I died?”

Sasha shakes her head, kicking the door closed just as Connie and Jean try to walk in behind her. “No,” she mutters. Plopping down beside me, she looks over me. “Just thought maybe you’d passed out.”

“Check my eyes,” I remind her. Sasha nods and leans in, forcing open my eyes with her fingers.

“...your eye-holes seem to be fine.”

“...my pupils?”

“Eye-holes. Same thing.”

I know Sasha’s joking but by the look on Reiner’s face, he does not.

“She’s only kidding, love,” I whisper as I take his hand. “She knows the basics.”

“Yep,” Sasha agrees, digging through the pile of medical supplies she brought in. “And you don’t have a concussion- and that thing on your head doesn’t need stitches- it should heal in a week or so... so you’re good to go after I clean it… ha!” She snatches a bottle of saline and a bandage. “You’ll be all good in no time, __________. Trust me.”

I’m the one that taught her. Why don’t I trust her?

“You awake?”

I focus back in on the now. The present. My surroundings.

Scattered trees and hills to the right. Denser trees on my left. Two horses trailing behind me. No flares from either direction. Reiner just in front of me.

“Always am.”

“Good.” He starts to pull back on his horse, levelling off with me. “How’s your head?”

Instinctively, I reach up and graze the bandage. “I don’t feel anything.”

“Good.”

“...are you okay?” I ask, looking over at him. His skin is pale and flushed pink with a slight tinge to his ears. “Here. Drink some.” Unbuckling my flask, I hand it to him.

...and he downs the entire thing before handing it back to me.

“Rei, are you sick?”

“No, I just-”

“Well, love, you look like you’re either about to shit yourself or vomit,” I laugh worriedly, “Are you sure?”

“__________, listen, I…,” he sighs and looks away. He’s even more red now.

I nudge him with my elbow. “I’m listening.” I smirk, stirrupping Horse again. My eyes turn to the horizon, scanning for any flares or anything that approaches us.

Reiner returns my smile and sighs shakily. “I wanna-”

Something appears in the distance. “What is that?” I mumble, staring at the thing. “Do you see it?” I point. “That.”

Reiner looks at the thing, squinting. “I… I can’t tell.”

“Should we fire a flare off?” I ask, reaching to my saddlebag. “Just in case?”

“Just… hang on-”

He stops just as the thing changes form, moving closer towards us and faster.

It takes shape as it grows. Fourteen meters, blonde hair.

Female body type.

My hands move on their own- throwing the canister into the gun, lifting it straight up, and firing. Red smoke fires out from the gun into the clouds. “Rei, we have to move!” I yell, turning the horses in towards the center of the formation.

I look over my shoulder, watching the two horses trail after Reiner. He stays going forward, heading right for it with glazed eyes. “Reiner!”

My eyes follow his gaze as I bring Horse to a stop. They land on the Female Titan, who snatches something from mid-air and dropkicks it. Blood trails after the broken body and I watch ODM wires disconnect from the Female Titan’s body- following the body.

It’s… is it like Eren? A person inside it?

“Reiner!” I scream again.

It gets his attention. Snapping out of his daze, Reiner makes a sharp turn.

As he gets closer, I press my heels into Horse’s sides. “Ha!”

Footsteps follow after us, thundering and quivering the very organs inside of me. My breath catches in my lungs as I feel it- her- getting closer. Gods. Gods, please. Not like this. Not like this. Not like this. Not like this.

Something flashes at my side. With trembling force, a foot lands beside me- crushing one of the horses before it could even make a sound.

We’re going to die. Right now, we are going to die.

I wince, waiting for her to reach down and crush me in her hand. Reiner yells something but it’s lost in the frantic whinnies of our horses, the pounding of my heart, the panting of my lungs. When it reaches me, it’s blurred together like the colors in my eyes.

‘I’ve gotten hurt’ is what it sounds like.

Gods, please. Spare us.

My fists clutch the reins as I look up. Blonde hair, blue eyes, fourteen meters. This is what will kill me.

The Female Titan’s other foot collides with the earth beside me. All at once, sounds and colors and shapes retract into their determined forms. Everything flushes back into focus as the Female Titan takes another step away from us. I watch as she continues sprinting towards the center- leaving us in her wake. Her head turns to look over her shoulder before she presses forward.

Right to Armin.

“Rei!” I yell, sticking Horse again. “She’s gonna hit Armin! She’s headed right for him!”

“C’mon!” He yells back, appearing at my side.

“This is the job we chose, right?” Jean snaps, “So lend me a hand!”

The rest of us are silent. Only hoofbeats and footsteps resound around us. Silently, Armin pulls his hood up over his head. “...pull your hoods up. Over your heads- far down enough so she can’t see your face.”

“You’re thinking she won’t kill anyone that could be Eren,” Reiner mutters, tugging his hood up over his head. “...that’s a nice, but small, consolation… Let’s hope she has bad eyes, too.”

Jean shakes his head, laughing. “I was always creeped out the way you used to hang around Eren so much,” he mutters as he pulls his hood up. “But I always knew you were capable.”

“...‘creeped out’ is a little harsh but thanks,” Armin mumbles.

Feeling the three pairs of eyes on me, I tug my hood up as well. “...I always knew I’d die next to you three bastards.”

“Well. If we don’t,” Reiner chuckles, “We’ll throw a big party ‘nd get married.”

“Oh yeah,” I scoff, pulling my swords out from their holsters. “We’ll have a big ol’ buffet ‘nd everything. I’ll even have a live band play for us.”

“You two lovebirds over there still squawking?” Jean barks, leaning forward to glare at us.

“Will you shut up for a minute?” Reiner shoots back, “I’m… Kinda doin’ something.”

“You can ‘kinda do something’ after this!” Jean yells, “We’re not dying today.”

“Fine!” I snap, “I’m not spending my last moments fighting with you two morons! Let’s just do this. Delay her as long as we can- by any means necessary. Got it?!”

The three grunt in agreement. “Jean, go to her left,” Reiner starts, “Armin, you go to her right. __________, you-”

“I’m going with Armin!” I whip my reins and follow after Armin as he heads to the Female Titan’s right hand side.

We level off just behind her. “She’s much slower than when she attacked me!” Armin comments, “If we’re going to do this, it has to be now!”

“Wait for Jean!” I yell, “He’s the best out of us with ODM gear. If he can get a good angle on her, it’ll be us being his support!”

A flash shoots out, launching into the Female Titan’s leg. Jean flies in behind it with his swords readied. The Titan crouches down and spins- flinging Jean. Armin and I get to our feet and stand on our horses’ backs. As my wires stick into the Female Titan’s leg, I give Horse a tap of my heel that sends him running away from the Titan.

Something swipes just under my legs. Everything around me slows as I watch the Titan’s hand bat Armin’s horse out from underneath him. His name leaves my lips the same way it did when Shiganshina fell. Breathless. Screeching. Desperate. “Armin!”

“__________!” Reiner’s voice carries out over my own.

Before I can do anything, I feel something crack against my back. I’m pushed forward- colliding with the earth and rolling for a few feet. Landing on my back, I stare up in a daze at the clouds.

Aching pain crawls through my veins- igniting my muscles in throbbing, squeezing pain. My back arches as I take long, hard breaths to stop my heart from pounding in my ears. It does nothing but amplify the sound as I feel my lungs burn and the cages around them scream in agony.

Broken ribs. At least a few on each side.

Certain slices and patches of my skin burn from the contact with the ground. Minor scratches, bruises, friction burns.

I’ll live. If she doesn’t finish me off.

Time begins to speed up again- her footsteps not taking so long to hit the ground as they get closer. Clouds seem to flurry past and my heartbeat begins to race once more.

The fight isn’t done yet.

I push myself to my feet, feeling every ache, every pain, every burn a million times over.

The fight isn’t done yet.

I’m not done yet.

The Female Titan tightens her fist, preparing to swing backwards at Jean. Breaking out into a sprint, I click my triggers and shoot my wires into the ground, allowing me to run faster. A blur of gold and green starts towards the Titan as I do- catching me attention so I stutter and stop.

Reiner.

Teeth gritted, eyes blazing, blades glinting. He’s going for her nape.

Armin’s yelling something. The Titan stays completely still as he continues screaming.

And then she snaps.

She catches Reiner’s body in her hand.

My heart stops. Blood stops. Lungs stop.

Everything.

Stops.

“...no.”

Chills run down my spine- dull and weak. Nothing like adrenaline.

Fear.

“No… no.”

I shake my head, watching as Reiner’s body disappears in her grasp.

Someone grabs my waist, tugs me away. “No!” I scream, thrashing around as everything starts to move again. “No!”

“__________!” Jean yells, pulling me away. “We have to go!”

A blur of metal spins out from her grip, severing her fingers off from the base of her palm. Reiner pushes out and around her back. Grabbing Armin, he sprints away from her and towards us.

The four of us break out into a sprint as she stares down at her palm. She gets to her feet and runs away from us- her hand still steaming.

Something breaks inside of me. Tears start running down my face as Reiner sidles up next to me. Armin- bleeding from his forehead- is in his arms. Titan blood evaporates off of Reiner’s hair and shoulders as he looks down at me. “We’ll be okay! She won’t eat us unless she’s a cannibal! We-”

I cut him off, punching his shoulder as hard as I can. “Don’t you ever pull that shit again, Reiner Braun!” I snap, furiously wiping the tears rolling down my face. “I swear on the walls, I… I will kill you myself if you do, do you hear me?! You scared the shit outta me! I… I thought I lost you.”

Reiner laughs breathlessly. “I told you, darling. We haven’t gotten married, yet. I can’t die until that happens.”

“We aren’t leaving anyone behind,” I snap, tightening Armin’s bandages. “None of that, you hear me?”

“We might not have a choice,” Armin mutters, “If we all stay behind, we might all-”

“I said no!”

The three of us go silent as Jean continues whistling for his horse.

But the question still hangs in the air.

Who’s going to stay behind?

There’s only one horse- there’s four of us. If somehow one of us gets our horse back, we’ll be able to get out of here but until then… We’re stranded in Titan country without a means of escape.

“We have to talk about it,” Reiner says quietly.

“No,” I get to my feet and shake my head. “No. We don’t.”

“__________-”

I hold up a hand to stop him, “Don’t.” Turning to Jean, I gesture to his bag. “You have an emergency flare, yeah?”

Jean nods and gets it out, loading it into his gun. Shooting it into the sky, purple smoke trails up from our location.

It’s a long shot, but they might get the message.

“We can wait three more minutes,” Reiner says firmly. “During then, we’ll decide who’s gonna-”

“I’ll stay.” My head snaps to Armin. “Just get a message to the command section- to Commander Erwin, if you can.”

“I’m staying, too, then.”

“__________, no-” Reiner starts.

“I don’t want to hear it, Rei,” I mumble, “Please. I don’t… I don’t want to hear it but look. We’re both injured. Armin’s got a possible concussion and he’s bleeding. I’ve broken half a dozen ribs and I’ve got more bruises than I know what to do with. If anyone’s staying it’s-”

“Neither of you,” Jean laughs, “Someone’s coming this way with three horses.” The three of us look over to him as he shades his face from the sun. “I think it’s… It looks like… Christa!”

“Guys!” Christa’s dainty voice rings out as she approaches, “Are you okay?!”

I huff a laugh, “Define ‘okay’, blondie!”

“If __________’s still cracking jokes, she’s still alive, right?” Christa laughs, coming to a stop just in front of us. The three horses surrounding her skid to a stop.

Horse trots up to me, nudging me with his nose. “Hey there, Horse,” I mutter, pressing my head against his. “Ya miss me?”

“What happened to you guys?” Christa asks as she looks over me. “You look awful.”

“Aw, gee, thanks, blondie,” I giggle, “I feel awful.”

Christa’s soft face tightens slightly in concern. “...you’re sure you’ll be okay riding alone? Your horse… I dunno his name… but he seems to run alongside me pretty well- even without a harness.”

“Yeah, that’s him, alright,” I mumble, rubbing Horse’s nose. “But I think I’ll be alright.”

“...I’m with Christa,” Jean says warily, “You broke six ribs.”

“What?!” Christa screeches. “Six?! No, ma’am! You’re riding with me or with Jean! Six ribs- what were you thinking?!”

I shrug. “I’ve done worse.”

“Worse?!”

Oops. Shouldn’t have said that.

Christa sighs, pinching her eyes closed. “Fine. The past is the past. I can’t change it. But you- right now- are going to ride with Jean or me. Pick one.”

“Yes, Your Majesty,” I mumble with a smirk. “I’ll ride with you. Give the boys a little show, how ‘bout that?”

Christa turns a light shade of pink as Reiner helps me sit on top of Christa’s horse. “You behave,” Reiner mutters with a stern look.

But I can see it.

A little mischievous smirk plays his lips as he pulls away.

“Yes sir,” I coo, “I’ll be on my best behaviour.”

The four of us start off towards the center. “What’s your horse’s name?” Christa asks. “He really seems to like you. Before, I couldn’t get him to hold still- then, when I said your name, he calmed down and followed us perfectly fine.”

“...I just call him Horse.”

“...oh…”

I sigh and turn around to watch as Horse gallops. Cream-colored coat hiding thick muscles that twitch and writhe. Dots- freckles- that spatter his coat. His black mane whips about in the wind.

“Freckles,” I say quietly.

“What?”

“Freckles. That’s his name.”

I groan, letting my head fall back as my legs swing off the tree branch. “Rei, we’ve been sitting here for hours and you haven’t said a word to me,” my lip juts out in a pout, “Please talk to me.”

Reiner grumbles under his breath. His arms cross over his chest as he sits on the farest end of the tree branch away from me.

“Baby,” I whine, “you aren’t still mad at me for-”

“Yes, I’m still mad at you for being a tease. And we’ve been out here an hour. Hour and a half, tops.”

“Tch,” I groan again, “Baby, it was just a joke. I didn’t mean to drop my ring.” I hold my hand out in the sun to look at my moonstone ring as it glistens. “It wasn’t on purpose.”

“...you dropped it three times before we got up here.”

“I would never do anything to tease you.” Reiner raises an eyebrow and I roll my eyes. “On a mission.”

Rei’s shoulders lose some of their tension. “...you really didn’t mean to?”

“Of course not, baby,” I coo softly. “Not on a mission.”

Reiner sighs and rolls his eyes before getting to his feet. Wordlessly, he plops down beside me and lays his hand over mine on the branch. “You only call me ‘baby’ when you’re guilty,” he murmurs into the shell of my ear. “...so I forgive you.”

“Oh good, you caught on,” I tease, nudging him with my elbow.

“Easy, there, girl,” he huffs, “you’re still on thin ice.”

“You can’t stay mad at me,” I turn to face him and flash him a face-splitting smile. “I’m your darling.”

“...you’re right,” Rei laughs softly. “I could never.”

The two of us fall into a comfortable- buzzing with adrenaline but still comfortable- silence. I lean forward to look at the Titans gathered at the base of our tree, clawing and gripping the bark in an attempt to get to us. Hungrily, they salivate and stare up at us with glazed eyes.

The Female Titan. Why is she doing what she was? If she’s human, wouldn’t she want the walls to remain? They keep us safe for the time being. The outside world isn’t ready for us to break down our walls. And if she does want the walls gone, why?

And who is she?

“...are you listening?”

“Hm?” I ask, leaning back. “No, I’m sorry, I was just…,” my eyes flick down to the Titans, “...lost in thought.”

“I was just asking how your sides are.”

My fingers rub against my sides. They aren’t sore, they don’t hurt. I’ve always healed fast but knowing how long it’s supposed to take to heal sometimes, it’s… a little disconcerting. “I don’t feel anything.”

“...you’re better already?”

I shrug, “It could just be adrenaline. Or maybe they weren’t as badly broken as we thought they were. Bruising and breaks are really similar…”

Reiner hums in acknowledgment. “As long as you feel okay. When we get back, I’m still getting you checked out.”

“Yes sir.”

I lean over the side of the branch to see the Titans again. “It’s strange that we weren’t directed around the forest.” I comment quietly, leaning over more before my ODM wire locks into place.

“...Iyeah,” Reiner mutters, “Why wouldn’t we just go around?”

“I dunno,” I strain, slightly jiggling the wire a bit. “But do you think it was on purpose?”

“It’s Commander Erwin,” Rei chuckles, “Of course it was.”

“That’s true… I just… It’s so hard for us to see threats coming in,” I grip the wire and tug harder. “So why send them in?”

“Assuming he knows of the right flank casualties, we should’ve retreated a long time ago,” he mutters, “But we’re here and the center flank is somewhere in the trees.”

“Which is also weird, right?” I ask, yanking on the wire even harder. “I mean, if we are gonna go in, why not-”

The wire snaps out of the branch. The force of me pulling sends me over the edge of the branch. I watch as the wire extends rapidly- reeling me down towards the Titans’ grasps. Reiner runs to the end, reaching out to grab my hand.

But it’s too late.

A hand wraps around my body and pulls, unlatching my ODM wire from the tree. It starts to tighten as it turns me around to face it. My eyes lock onto it and I scream, thrashing around wildly. My arms are pinned in its hold- trapped against the steel of my ODM blade holsters and the clammy flesh wrapped around me.

Another Titan stares at me hungrily. As I look at it, red light starts to pour from its eyes like fog. Without warning, it lunges. I wince and duck away- waiting to be engulfed in moist darkness.

It doesn’t come. It’s replaced with an unearthly howl of pain and the sound of tearing flesh.

The grip around me falls away and as I’m spun in a free-fall, I catch glimpses of the scene above me. Red fog pours from the Titans’ eyes as they all latch onto the Titan that grabbed me. Bite by bite, they tear into the searing flesh of the Titan and devour the steaming chunks of bleeding meat.

They’re… eating it.

The red fog.

It was real.

My body stops, swinging up before I hit the forest floor. As we land on another branch, Reiner hugs me to his body tightly. “You scared the shit out of me,” he says raggedly. I feel tears drip onto my shoulder. But I don’t look at him- even as he pulls away, gripping my shoulders.

My eyes are focused on the fog swirling through the bodies of the Titans.

What the Hell is it?

Why does it keep following me?

Why does it keep saving me?

“...__________!”

I’m pulled back into my body- away from the grasping hands of the Titans that force muscles and tendons and organs down their throats. Blankly, I stare at Reiner. “What happened?” he asks quietly, looking over his shoulder at the Titans. “Are you-”

A scream rips out of my throat as I look down at my hands. My fingers start to rake through my skin, clawing for the source of the red fog.

Get it out.

Get. It. Out.

Reiner’s hands fumble with mine as they try to stop me from continuing the hurried slicing of my skin. “Darling, darling,” he says calmly as he grabs my wrists, “Darling, hey, look at me. Look at me.”

Wildly, my eyes fly around my surroundings.

Get it out. Red fog. Red fog. I have to get it out. I have to find it.

Red fog. I have to get it out.

Red fog.

“__________!” Reiner snaps, shaking me by my wrists, “Look at me!”

My gaze settles on him but I can feel myself twitching and writhing in place.

Red fog.

Get it out. I have to get it out.

“...you’re okay,” he mumurs, “You’re okay now, okay, darling? You’re safe.”

Tears burst from my eyes, leaking down my face as I roll my hands around from my wrists. Trembling violently, my body falls to the floor. Reiner catches me before I fall, scooping me up under my arms and holding me to him.

“There’s something... inside of me,” I strain, keeping down the screams wanting to claw their way out. My nails rake his back- threatening to rip through the fabric. “There is... something inside of me, Rei. I don’t know what it is. And I’m so scared, Rei. I just… I don’t… I don’t understand it. I… I don’t know... what it is. There’s… There’s something inside of me, Reiner, please! Please, Rei! Take it out! Get it out of me!”

WHEW

a doozy like i said. if you made it this far, i am so proud of you. my short attention span could literally never. as always thank you so much for reading and i hope to hear your thoughts and comments!

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joanofarchetype · 5 years

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A Connecticut Yankee...a kid...that's all well and good but we really don't talk enough about the werewolf in King Arthur's court

This is not a shitpost — in Le Morte D'Arthur, Sir Thomas Malory makes mention of "Sir Marrok, the good knight that was betrayed with his wyf, for she made hym seven yere a wer-wolf". Of course, Malory lifted the tale of the werewolf knight straight outta "Bisclavret," which is one of the Twelve Lais of Marie de France. And it is...wild. There's also "Melion," an anonymous Breton lai which along with "Biclarel" is believed to have evolved from the same source as "Bisclavret". In this post we're gonna refer to the protagonist as the "knight" or the "wolf-knight" and tell a somewhat composite tale.

(A note: this takes place well before commonly established werewolf lore, which crystallized thanks to Universal's The Wolf Man. Curt Siodmak wrote all that stuff about the full moon and silver bullets in 1941 so well that our common imagination accepted it as ancient fact.)

So anyway our guy is a knight who disappears for a couple nights a week and his wife is like ?????? dude ??????? where ??? do you ???? go ??????

And my dude is like "babe I love you but I can't tell you because you won't look at me the same" and she's like "I am your wIFE you better tell me right quick or otherwise have a good nose for almonds in your oatmeal" (jk she doesn't say that because if she did he might've gotten a little foreshadowing of her treachery, but alas, our man was a sucker)

So the knight tells her he's a werewolf, and on the nights he disappears he's wolfing around the countryside and his wife is like !!!!!!!!!! on the inside but makes sure her face is only 🤔 on the outside

(Mind you, Marie de France goes into how the wife is grossed out because she shared her marriage bed with a beast, which has some interesting implications but we'll get to those later)

She starts digging about his transformation until he explains how in order to return to his human shape, he *needs* to put his human clothes back on or else he'll be stuck as a wolf, at which point wifey is 👀👀👀👀

Wifey's like, "but if ur in wolf form, how do u remember where u put ur clothes lol" and the knight's like, "no no, I retain my human mind even in wolf form and besides, I always put them under this one rock outside this cave"

now bear in mind he's never been able to talk about this to anyone so he's pouring his heart out about his deepest secret which he kept even from his wife & I know we're all pretty used to medieval repression but imagine how it must have felt to share this secret at long last 😥

So to recap:

knight: 🤵🏻🛡🐾🌕🐺🤫😅😍♥️💐 wifey: 👰🏼💭🤢🤔👀🧐💡💡👔💍🔪🔪🔪

Our knight is like "yeah so I was born this way and it's just a part of who I am and whew it's kind of a relief to finally be talking about it with someone"

Wifey nods along 🤔🤔🤔 because she's had a💡moment and is 🍳 up a plan...

so the knight has unleashed (pun intended) his secret for the first time in this life and is feeling just dandy, but what he doesn't know is his wife is already plotting his downfall with her...LOVER (dun dun dunnn)

wifey & her secret lover steal the knight's clothes when he's transformed, essentially trapping him in wolf form, get him declared dead in absentia, marry each other & take over his lands

and the royal court goes for this because at this point the whole kingdom knows about the knight's habit of disappearing for days at a time (because medieval nobles are messy gossipy bitches who live for that drama) so they just assume he abandoned her

*~*ONE YEAR LATER*~* (or if you're Malory, *~*SEVEN YEARS LATER*~*)

the king & hunting party corner the wolf-knight in the woods. knight is overwhelmed at the sight of his monarch & runs up to what for all he knows might be his oblivion to kiss king's feet at which point king's like, "THAT'S NO ORDINARY WOLF. HE SHALL JOIN MY COURT IMMEDIATELY."

the wolf-knight goes to live at court where he's basically regarded as a knight (so the takeaway from this part of the lai is that a literal wild animal had a better chance of becoming a knight in ye olden days than a peasant or a woman but I digress)

anyway so there's a celebration at court and who comes to the party but the ex-wifey's new husband, now a baron. understandably, the wolf-knight does NOT react well and attacks him, and the reaction of everyone at court at this near-mauling isn't to say "whoa whoa maybe bringing a wolf to court was a bad idea" but rather "huh, this wolf has never been hostile towards a human before so obviously this guy must've personally wronged him." which is...progressive.

so the new husband/baron/co-conspirator is all "wtf keep it away from me" and the king is like "idk man, what were you wearing? maybe you smelled like royal beef jerky at the time. seems like you were asking for it"

king & the other barons take wolf-knight to the new baron's property. they just need to figure out what's going on because they're not ready to take sir wolf to his final veterinary visit, u feel? they're attached. now get ready for this next part because it's a doozy.

ex-wifey hears about the king's visit so she's waiting with gifts & cakes & shit. the wolf-knight sees her & immediately BITES OFF HER NOSE & he bites it so good her progeny can feel it & henceforth all her descendants are — I SHIT YOU NOT — born noseless. talk about losing face.

under questioning (*cough cough* torture *cough*) the wife admits to her crimes & yields the stolen clothing, which they put in front of the wolf & he just stares at them until they realize "wow yeah sorry dude our bad" and leave the room to give him privacy

when they see the wolf-knight again he's in his human form and in Marie de France's "Bisclavret" it's expressly written that the king embraces him in the bedchamber and gives him "many kisses" (hashtag heterosexual friends doing heterosexual things)

the king restores the wolf-knight's lands and ex-wifey has to live with her ex-baron in exile, forever marked for her betrayal. some real Mark of Cain shit. (obviously this lai has a lot to say about spousal dissatisfaction but that’s another day’s dissertation)

the wolf-knight (Bisclavret, or Melion, or Marrok, or Sir Wolf or whatever you fancy calling him) not only regains his good name, but also the support of a court which now knows his secret dual nature.

something to be hated or feared, only understood and accepted. no one at court shuns him once the secret's out & no one tries to change or "heal" him of his lycanthropy.

remember when I said we'd come back to the wife's reaction? in "Bisclavret" Marie de France specifically states that upon finding out his secret, the wife no longer wishes to "lie beside him." let's unpack that a bit by exploring similar themes across folklore.

the marriage bed serves as a common motif in tales of animal transformation. ex: in "Beauty and the Beast," the protagonist has to overcome her revulsion towards her suitor's ostensible monstrosity before she can accept his marriage proposal. traditionally these stories with mysterious, beastly husbands who are secretly a true catch serve as an allegory for arranged marriage, designed to help young women process their anxieties about being passed from their father's house to that of a strange new husband.

(we should differentiate these tales from those of an ostensibly appropriate groom who turns out to be a monster in disguise such as "Bluebeard," "Mr. Fox," and "The Robber-Bridegroom," as those deserve a detailed thread of their own but also provide good thematic contrast here)

more often the Beast is kind, patient & gives Beauty the time she needs to the detriment of his own freedom from the curse. once the protagonist gets over her anxiety, she ceases to perceive her groom as just a hulking hairy beast and he can take the shape of a prince at last.

circling back to wolves! in most lore both ancient and modern, werewolves represent something uncontrollable; an animalistic second nature which threatens to literally tear through our well-mannered social façade. "Bisclavret" and its various incarnations don't do that.

if you read "Bisclavret" under a queer critical lens, you can interpret the knight as bisexual; a husband has a secret duality to his nature which he is unable to express in their current social order. significantly, he is born with his lycanthropy rather than being afflicted by the sudden, violent means through which most fictional werewolves are afflicted. it's a part of who he is, and it requires no further explanation or cure.

the wolf-knight finds freedom rather than shame in his lycanthropy, and as a result maintains both honor and control while in wolf form. unlike other famous werewolves, he doesn't function as an expression of tension between the id and the superego.

considering how often wolves are used to imply sexual violence (see also: "Little Red Riding Hood" or its medieval predecessor, "The Grandmother's Tale") this would be a fairly positive portrayal of a bisexual man.

however, his wife doesn't see it that way and is repulsed at the thought of sleeping with him again, so she commits adultery and conspires against him. so really, the crimes in "Bisclavret" have a lot to do with sex, just not sexual violence.

the king's attachment to the wolf & the way he embraces the knight can easily be read as homoerotic. there's absolutely an argument to be made about the normalization of homosocial behavior & male kinship across eras but...two things can be true. either interpretation is valid.

so what we have is a werewolf protagonist — not a villain or tortured anti-hero but an honorable man who isn't made to shed his lycanthropy at the end of the tale (tail). rather, he is accepted by his contemporaries and given a place in society to live as he truly is/ROLL CREDITS

#bisclavret #marie de france #medieval literature #queer theory #queer critical theory #medieval lgbtq #werewolves #werewolf literature #i originally posted this to fb & then twitter so u can find these there #my twitter handle is also @joanofarchetype #(it's my pinned tweet)#long post #gif warning

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nicolewrites · 4 years

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We Stand, Fate-Tested - VI

And I finally start to earn that mystery genre tag here. Exams are almost done and then hopefully I'll be able to work some more on this story during social distancing. I already know chapter 7 will be a doozy, so get prepared.

Also, just a reminder to check dates as we’re jumping ahead a little in both timelines.

Rating: T+ Genre: Mystery, Friendship, Romance Characters: [Byleth/My Unit, Dimitri B.], [Byleth/My Unit, Claude R.] Words: 5,800

A strange symbol discovered during the dig has strange consequences. / Rhea delivers unpleasant news.

AO3 | FFN

VI - Am I Dreaming Or Awake

Old Monastery Ruins, Garreg Mach University - 19 Pegasus Moon, 733 AU

It was spectacular. She had noted the elegance of the old architecture the first time they had been down to the excavation site, but it was something that caught her off guard every time she came down here.

Byleth passed the security sign-in table and flashed her ID badge as the guards nodded at her and she moved over to the supply table. Shovels and trammels and boxes of gloves were littered over the table along with a carafe of coffee that someone had bought for the team. Byleth helped herself to a small cup of coffee and walked further into the chamber.

They had begun in one of the main tombs of the monastery. It was the one that had been worked on all those years ago, so Seteth had chosen it as the initial starting point for the current excavation. It was also the only chamber that had been approved for inhabitants by structural engineers. The two other known crypts were still under investigation to see if they were structurally sound enough to support a bunch of archeologists digging around in them. Then, of course, there were rumours that there were dozens of other sealed-off chambers down here somewhere.

Byleth sipped her coffee as she walked forward through the in-process dig. It was early, just past 6, so the only people who had arrived were herself, Seteth, and Harriet, one of the post-docs in Seteth’s lab. Byleth picked her way towards Seteth who was crouched in a marked square as he assessed a handful of ancient coins he had unearthed. She cleared her throat and he looked up.

“Good morning, Byleth,” he greeted politely as he stood up. “Reporting for duty?”

“Yeah,” she agreed. “I assume I can take the same sector as before?”

Seteth shook his head. “No, I’ve actually assigned that to James today. He’s working with Annette, Ingrid, and Ignatz over there. Harriet will take Lysithea and Linhardt, but I was hoping you would be able to manage Claude, Edelgard, and Dimitri.”

Byleth was surprised. Usually, Seteth split the undergrads into pairs, not a pair and two trios. Additionally, he usually had her working with Lysithea and Linhardt.

Seteth continued, not concerned with Byleth’s surprise. “I want you guys to start over there. I’ve already marked your area for the day.” Seteth gestured to the far wall of the tomb.

Byleth could see the staked-out area. It was further away from the main body of the dig than anyone else had been working, towards a crumbled section of what was probably a statue. She turned to Seteth and raised an eyebrow.

“Why the new site? We’ve been working fine in other places.”

Seteth sighed. “I’m starting to think there isn’t much in this particular chamber. As much as I hate to admit it, most of what was here was recovered by Catherine five years ago. She did good work while she was down here.”

Byleth smiled sympathetically at her advisor. “Seteth, we’ve only been working for a few weeks.” She gestured to the coins he had unearthed. “That’s something, isn’t it?”

He chuckled. “It’s a small start,” he admitted. “I do have an admission to make though,” he continued. “I intend to send a group of people up to Fhirdiad to retrieve some additional supplies from the National Museum this weekend. I was hoping you would be willing to do that.”

Byleth blinked. “Leave the dig and go to Fhirdiad?” She was almost a bit offended. She had spent so much time preparing for the dig and helping to prepare the undergrads that it felt a bit cruel to ask her to step out on a trip for errands.

Seteth hummed. “You would leave Saturday morning early and make it to Fhirdiad by the late evening. Sunday you’ll collect the supplies and come back. You should be back late Sunday night in plenty of time. I actually hoped to send some of our students with you.”

Byleth put a hand on her hip. “Which students?”

“Edelgard, Dimitri, and Claude,” he explained. “Dimitri lives in Fhirdiad and both Claude and Edelgard have residences there due to their parents.”

Byleth sighed. “Fine, I’ll do it. I don’t have a car, though, you know that.”

Seteth shrugged. “You can borrow mine or take one of theirs if they have one. Flayn is in town for a while so I won’t be troubled if you do take mine.”

Byleth nodded. Before she could respond, a chatter of noise caught her attention and she turned and saw a gaggle of people at the sign-in desk including all of the undergrads. Seteth nodded to her and made his way towards them to assign their duties for the day. Byleth trailed after him, biting her lip.

Seteth was just giving out the directions when Byleth caught up and Claude caught her eye with a smug grin as Seteth explained that they would be working together that day and the next. She resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Since her trip to Almyra at the end of the term, she and Claude had become even closer. He still liked to bother her about random historical or archeological things and it happened even more frequently than it had occurred in the previous term because now she wasn’t his TA.

When Seteth finished the briefing, he turned to her. “Could you ask them about this weekend?”

Byleth nodded. She walked over to the supply table and plucked a pair of gloves out of one of the boxes, snapping them on. The undergrads were mostly chatting amongst themselves, but Claude turned his full attention to Byleth as soon as she approached.

“So, a new quadrant?” he questioned. Byleth shrugged.

She glanced at Edelgard and Dimitri who had also turned their attention towards her. “Good morning,” she greeted the three of them.

Edelgard smiled. “An early one,” she noted jokingly.

Dimitri laughed. “Claude, Ignatz, and Annette are the only three crazy enough to normally be up at this time.”

Annette gasped, offended. “Hey!”

Ignatz just chuckled. “Archery events are good at being scheduled super early.”

Ingrid laughed. “Yeah, well, I’m normally up too. Felix really doesn’t know how to stop messaging at 6 am when he’s up and going to fencing.”

Most of the undergrads filtered away then, leaving Byleth with her trio of students. She straightened her shoulders and fiddled with the hem of one of her gloves.

“Are any of you busy this weekend?”

Claude’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Uh,” he muttered, looking caught off guard.

Dimitri frowned slightly. “I’m supposed to celebrate Felix’s birthday tomorrow night, but not beyond that,” he admitted.

“Well, Seteth has asked the four of us to go to Fhirdiad to pick up some supplies. We’ll be back by Sunday.”

Edelgard pursed her lips. “I suppose that makes sense, but why all four of us?”

Byleth winced as she recalled a reason why Seteth might have chosen to send away Edelgard, Dimitri, and Claude in particular. Claude picked up on her expression right away and he laughed dryly.

“Probably has something to do with that argument last weekend,” he noted.

Edelgard and Dimitri both flinched as they all recalled the bitter verbal sparring match that had occurred the last time they had been on-site together. Claude had identified something Edelgard had unearthed before she had had the chance to and she had snapped at him. Claude had retorted right back which had caused Dimitri to step in and defend Edelgard. Of course, then both of them had snapped at Dimitri for intervening where he wasn’t needed. Tensions had been prickly between them all since, much to the discomfort of anyone forced to work with them.

“Well, maybe this will be a good thing,” Dimitri offered.

Edelgard huffed and turned her full attention to Byleth. “Where are we working today?”

Byleth gestured to the far-off plot. Edelgard nodded, grabbed a clipboard from the supply table and stalked off, heading in the right direction. Claude rolled his eyes at the dismissal from the Prime Minister’s daughter before he followed in her footsteps, spinning a small shovel in his hands.

Dimitri sighed. “This is weird for us, Byleth,” he admitted to her. Byleth eyed him curiously and Dimitri frowned after his friends. “It’s almost like being down here brings up some unspoken tension between us that we didn’t know existed.”

Byleth took a deep breath. “Well, let’s not let grievances get between us and work, alright?”

He nodded. “Of course.”

Dimitri immediately walked over to join the others at the dig spot. Byleth took a bracing breath and followed after them. She was going to need all of her patience today if the three of them were going to be as snippy as they had been previously.

Byleth was about to kneel down next to Edelgard to begin her own digging when something on the wall caught her eye. She stepped over the boundary rope and narrowed her eyes. The three students paused in their own work to watch her. There was something etched faintly in the crumbled stones.

“Dimitri, hand me a brush please,” she requested. Dimitri fumbled with the brush for a moment before he pressed it into her palm.

Claude crossed the rope to stand next to her, eyes sharp and curious. “What do you see, Teach?”

Byleth ran the brush gently over the surface of the wall. A few layers of dirt drifted off, but it was clear that the sigil she was curious about was more deeply buried. “Something right here,” she murmured quietly, gesturing to the area she was brushing.

Claude made an affirming noise and this drew both Edelgard and Dimitri closer as the four of them stared at the mark on the crumbled wall. Byleth pressed the pointed handle of the brush against the mark and scraped at the stone. Dust and dirt fell away, revealing the pattern more fully. Byleth brushed it again, clearing away more layers of dirt until she’d uncovered what portion she could.

The carving was some kind of looping pattern. It was incomplete, with probably only a third of it intact, but it seemed weirdly familiar. Byleth lowered the brush and lifted her hand. She pressed a gloved finger into one of the pattern’s grooves. As soon as she touched it, it felt like something in her had been electrocuted. She jerked back, glancing between her finger and the stone.

“Teach?” Claude questioned. He sounded concerned, but Byleth’s curious instincts were stronger.

She pressed her hand against the marking again and felt a similar prickle of energy. This time she didn’t pull back, pressing her palm to the stone as well. The energy spiked and Byleth blacked out so fast she didn’t realize it was happening.

She dreamt of the weird throne again.

This time, the chamber was intact and not in the state of decay she normally saw it in. Byleth turned, assessing the massive room. It was some kind of tomb, she already knew that, but she wanted to find a hint of where it was. Massive stone statues decorated the four corners of the tomb, but as she turned toward the throne again, there were two figures standing in front of it.

She tried to step towards them, but her feet were anchored in place. She blinked and the figures blurred as if they weren’t really there, but they didn’t fade away. It appeared to be a man and a woman, but their details were fuzzy no matter how hard Byleth tried to focus on their features.

They were conversing quietly. Byleth heard the murmured timbres of the two voices and reaffirmed her suspicions of one man and one woman, but the words themselves felt like they were travelling through water to reach her so she couldn’t pick out anything in particular.

She tried again to force her body to move quickly, but a pulse of energy rippled through her so strongly she almost keeled over. She reflexively lowered her head and closed her eyes tightly When she lifted her head again, the figures were gone and her surroundings had changed. She was staring at the throne head-on from the base of it.

Byleth exhaled in surprise. She lifted a hand carefully and touched the stone arm of the throne. Oddly enough, the stone felt hot to the touch. The warmth tingled in her fingertips and there was a flash of white before her face. Byleth’s vision whited out from the burst of light, but when it came back to her, there was a sigil floating in front of her face.

It was the sigil that had been carved in the stone at the dig site but complete, with intricate loops and a crisscrossed pattern. It hovered in the air in front of her as she kept her hand pressed to the throne. Byleth lifted her free hand and tried to touch the symbol. Her hand passed through it cleanly, but she could feel a warmth emanating from it.

“Byleth!” a voice cried out, loud and sharp and concerned.

She spun, drawing her hand back to her chest. She was alone in the chamber, but her sudden turn caused her vision to dim as quickly as it had during the dig and the dream faded.

Byleth blinked open her eyes slowly and immediately winced at the bright sunlight overhead. It took her only the briefest second to realize that someone was holding her in their arms and her head was resting against a shoulder. Voices filled her ears as her senses returned to her and she let out a low groan. The arms holding her instantly tensed and Byleth tilted her head and looked up to see that it was Dimitri holding her.

“Byleth!” Seteth exclaimed.

She tipped her head away from Dimitri, ignoring the faint ringing in her ears and saw her thesis supervisor standing next to him, staring at her in concern. “Seteth?” she mumbled.

“Teach, are you okay?” Claude asked. Byleth’s eyes flicked to him where he stood next to Seteth. Edelgard was hovering on Claude’s other side.

All four of them looked extremely concerned. Byleth shifted in Dimitri’s grip and flicked her eyes back to him.

“Can you put me down?” she requested. “I’m fine,” she said.

Dimitri frowned, but he did lower her to her feet. Byleth was surprisingly steady on her feet, but all of her muscles felt weirdly sore.

“What happened?” Seteth asked. By his tone, it was clear this was not the first time he had asked the question. He also had clearly directed it at the three students, not at Byleth.

“I touched that symbol and then everything went black,” Byleth said, answering him anyways. Seteth frowned.

Edelgard folded her arms. “But, why would that make you pass out?” she prompted.

Byleth shrugged, genuinely puzzled. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “But, I feel fine now.”

Seteth studied her face with a creased brow. “You’re not going back down there today,” he said firmly. “Or tomorrow.” Byleth opened her mouth to protest and Seteth shook his head sternly. “Absolutely not,” he insisted.

Byleth huffed. “Seteth, I’m fine.”

“Byleth, you just collapsed. I don’t really think it’s fair to say that,” Dimitri said gently.

She pressed her lips into a line. She glanced around and noticed that they were standing at the courtyard just outside of the entrance to the dig site. She couldn’t have been unconscious for that long if they had only gotten this far when she was out.

“How about you and I go back to the lab and do some cataloguing?” Claude suggested, lifting the clipboard he was holding. “We can get started on entering this stuff into the database.”

“That’s agreeable,” Seteth consented. “I still want you to call Flayn tonight though.”

Flayn was a nurse and Byleth knew that Seteth wanted Flayn to do a full check-up, but having Byleth call her was his way of compromising with her. Byleth sighed and nodded.

“I’ll call her later,” she said.

“Great, well if that’s settled, we can head out, Teach,” Claude said cheerfully.

He gestured towards the main university campus and Byleth sighed again and headed in the direction of the lab with Claude following on her heels. They walked in silence right up until they entered the building when Claude finally couldn’t hold his tongue.

“What happened, Teach?”

Byleth glared at him half-heartedly before shrugging. “I fainted, apparently,” she muttered dryly.

Claude laughed. “No, what did you dream about?”

She stopped mid-step and stared at him. “How the hell do you know that I dreamed?”

He shrugged. “Honestly, that was a wild guess, but I’m glad it was correct.”

Byleth groaned and kept walking, trying to outpace Claude. He mostly kept up and caught up right outside the door to the lab.

“Was it bad?” he ventured carefully.

“Confusing,” Byleth corrected and slipped past him into the lab.

“Confusing,” Claude echoed as he followed her. “Care to elaborate.”

“Same throne, but there were people. I couldn’t hear or see them clearly,” Byleth said shortly.

She dropped into her chair and grabbed a pad of paper. Closing her eyes, she conjured the symbol that had appeared when she had touched the throne. She grabbed a pencil and made a very rough sketch of what it had looked like. She slid it across the table towards Claude.

“I saw this too.”

His eyes widened as he obviously recognized it from the dig site. He slid his pen off of the clipboard and carefully drew a half-circle around the part of it that Byleth had uncovered. He tapped the pen tip against the page and stared at her.

“What does this mean?”

“I have no idea,” she sighed. Byleth rubbed at her temples. “Everything about this is giving me a headache.”

Claude laughed at her. “Well, let’s do something distracting then.” He grabbed a TV remote from one of the shelves and pointed it at the lab TV in the corner.

Most of the time, James just used the TV to play whatever satellite music channel he wanted, but sometimes Seteth or Harriet would have the news on in the background as they worked. It appeared that Seteth or Harriet had been using it last since it was playing the news when it turned on.

“Enbarr Police are investigating the mysterious death of a woman recently identified as Monica Ochs,” the TV reporter explained.

Every muscle in Byleth’s body went completely rigid and she rose to her feet, staring at the screen in disbelief. The screen changed from the reporter at a desk to two images: one a plain portrait photo and the other a police sketch of the same girl. Byleth’s blood ran cold as ice as she recognized the police sketch. Both detailed a woman with delicate features and a slender face. She had dark red hair and thin lips.

Claude looked between Byleth and the TV. “Teach?” he inquired.

“I know her,” Byleth said reflexively.

“Ochs was identified as a person of interest in a murder investigation in the central city of Remire five years ago. A witness described the sketch on the right which was identified to be Ochs. At the time, police had been unable to locate Ochs for questioning and the investigation was eventually left unsolved,” the reporter continued.

Claude touched Byleth’s arm. “You knew a wanted murderer?”

“I described that sketch,” she said numbly, pointing to the police sketch.

Claude’s hand on her arm tightened and he immediately shut the TV off. “What?” he said, sounding startled.

Byleth sank back into her seat and stared blankly at the table in front of her. Her blood was racing and she could hear her heart pounding in her ears. Monica’s face was engraved in her mind. It had been for five years and it was jarring to see it again after so long. Her hands trembled and she was shot straight into a memory of a dark rainy alleyway in Remire as her father bled out in her lap with sirens wailing in the background. She started to feel lightheaded.

Byleth didn’t realize she wasn’t breathing until Claude forcibly placed himself between Byleth’s chair and the table and gripped her face between his hands. “Byleth, you need to breathe,” he ordered. “Breathe out,” he instructed sternly.

Byleth exhaled and Claude shook his head, shifting a hand to press against her stomach.

“Exhale,” he said harshly.

Byleth pushed out more air until it hurt and Claude nodded and she took a desperate breath in out of reflex. Claude continued coaxing her to breathe for several minutes. Byleth’s chest ached from the action of it. The fuzziness at the edges of her vision she had barely processed faded and Byleth started to come back to herself. Her eyes were burning and her head was pounding and her cheeks were wet as she belatedly realized she was crying.

Claude was kneeling on the floor in front of her, still holding her face and staring at her with a concerned expression on his face. “Are you alright?” he asked her quietly once her breathing had settled.

Byleth closed her eyes and felt her whole body tremble with a half-sob. “She killed my father,” she whispered.

Claude said something sharp in Almyran which was probably a curse before he gently pulled her head down so that he could press their foreheads together.

“I’m so sorry,” he muttered. “I can’t imagine what this feels like. Do you want me to get Seteth or someone else?”

“No,” Byleth mumbled. With Claude’s forehead pressed against hers, she could feel his breaths gently fanning against her face. She focused on breathing in time with him. His presence was calming and comforting. “Just don’t leave,” she added quietly.

- ~ - ~ -

Fhirdiad Royal Palace - 3 Pegasus Moon, 7 AU

As soon as the servant had left the chamber, Dimitri kissed her. He kissed her like he was drowning and she twisted her fingers into his hair as she kissed him back. He hardly waited a minute into the kiss before his hands were under her thighs, lifting her up so her legs closed around his hips.

Byleth broke their lips apart to trail kisses along Dimitri’s jaw as he walked slowly towards the bed. A growl rumbled in his chest and she almost laughed at the sound. She tilted her head further to try and kiss at his neck, but the collar of his shirt impeded her motion and she huffed.

“Dimitri,” she complained, tugging at the collar.

He laughed, a low rumble that she felt resonate through her body. He dropped her abruptly back on the bed and climbed onto it after her. Byleth instantly went to work at the buttons on his shirt, her fingers slipping over the silk-capped buttons as she struggled with them. Dimitri finally managed to get his shirt open and he leaned back to slip off his jacket and shirt.

Byleth was able to admire her husband for a moment before a pang of deep-seated guilt flooded her chest and her smile dropped. Dimitri dropped his jacket and shirt to the floor, but as he turned back towards her, Byleth pulled her knees up to her chin and cast her eyes to the side, withdrawing from him. Dimitri paused and stayed seated on the end of the bed as he watched her.

“Byleth?” he questioned softly.

She closed her eyes and inhaled shakily. She pressed her forehead against her knees and wrapped her arms over her shins, her fingernails digging into the sides of her calves. Dimitri didn’t press her for words, but she felt the bed dip as he started moving towards her slowly.

“Can I touch you, my love?” he asked carefully.

Byleth opened her eyes and saw him kneeling on the bed next to her. She tipped sideways into him and he caught her, wrapping his arms around her. They sat in the middle of their bed for a long moment without saying anything. Dimitri ran his hands through her hair soothingly, pulling out combs and pins and placing them aside until her hair was limp down her back. Byleth closed her eyes again and let him remove all of the pins without complaint.

“The court hates me,” Byleth said quietly once Dimitri had finished his task. Her husband tensed, but she didn’t let him cut in. “I see it in the way that they whisper when we’re together. The only reason they’re not open about it is most of them are scared to death of Felix and Ingrid. The common people can’t be any better.”

“Byleth,” Dimitri murmured. “The people love you. You are a hero of the Unification War and the leader of the Central Church of Fódlan. You have been a wonderful queen and no one looks down upon you,” he assured.

Byleth twisted so that she could look him in the face. “We have no heir, Dimitri,” she said bluntly. “We have stripped the politics from the church and we are building a free Fódlan. The people want security on the throne.” She ran a palm along Dimitri’s bare chest. “I bear no children, that we can be sure of.”

Dimitri frowned. “We are young yet. There should be no worry of children yet,” he said stubbornly.

Byleth pursed her lips and let her hand wander up to touch the side of his face. “Ingrid and Sylvain have three beautiful daughters. Annette and Felix have a son with another on the way. Mercedes and Dedue have two of their own.” Her thumb grazed Dimitri’s cheekbone. “We are outnumbered, my love.”

Dimitri closed his good eye and shook his head. “You are my wife, Byleth. The court does not get a say in that matter. There were certainly no protests when we were wed.”

Byleth raised an eyebrow. “There were,” she countered. “They were just never brought to your attention.”

Dimitri stared at her. “There were?”

“Some of the church officials didn’t like the idea of the union because they rightfully thought I would remove power from the church to distance state and religion. Seteth had them removed from their positions of power. Some of the nobles didn’t like the idea that the Saviour King would marry anyone other than their own flesh and blood. Especially someone who was born a commoner. Felix and Sylvain and Ingrid are quite good at squashing rumours in court,” Byleth explained sadly.

Dimitri looked pained. “You’ve carried this for 6 years and you never told me? Why wouldn’t you tell me?”

She kissed him between the eyes. “You had enough to worry about. I loved you and I was good enough at ignoring whispers. I believed in what we were doing.”

“You say loved,” he mumbled, looking almost nervous.

Byleth kissed his lips. “I love you,” she corrected herself. “I will always love you.”

“We can figure the rest out later,” Dimitri murmured.

Byleth sighed wistfully at his optimism. “Dimitri, I do not know how much longer the kingdom will wait for an heir.”

He scowled. “We went through hell to create this kingdom.” His hands on her waist tightened possessively. “They can wait.”

Byleth pecked him again. “I’ve asked Seteth to take me to see Rhea,” she confessed suddenly. “She has settled in Zanado and Catherine keeps watch over her. Seteth has agreed to accompany me.”

Dimitri stilled. “When?”

“Three days from now. After I return to the monastery.”

He considered her words for a moment. “I suppose I cannot come with you.”

“No,” Byleth agreed. “Seteth says she will likely only speak with me.” She cupped his face between her hands. “I’m sorry I won’t be here to receive Ashe and Petra with you.”

Dimitri chuckled faintly. “I’m not worried about Brigid. Ashe is a good friend and he and Petra are a well-suited match. I do sorely miss his skills as a scout and spy,” Dimitri added.

Byleth shifted so that she was facing Dimitri fully, kneeling between his legs. She reached up and pressed her palms against his bare chest, pushing him back against the mattress. “I miss having all of our friends around, but there are certainly certain perks of having just us around.”

Dimitri’s hands squeezed her waist as he guided her on top of him and they didn’t need words for the rest of the night.

Somewhere in Zanado - 6 Pegasus Moon, 7 AU

“Byleth,” Seteth said, catching her attention.

She turned towards him, tearing her attention from the small house that was just down the road. “Yes?”

Seteth gave her an unreadable expression. “I am unsure if what Rhea is willing to tell you will actually be of much help. I am also sorry that Flayn and I were unable to tell you more ourselves. I had hoped to avoid this.”

Byleth touched Seteth’s arm. “Flayn is alright,” she assured. “She wrote last week saying she is safe and is travelling with Ignatz.” Byleth smiled faintly to herself. “I still almost can’t believe I never noticed the connection there.”

Seteth frowned. “I wish she would have stayed.”

Byleth squeezed his arm. “She is young at heart, Seteth. You cannot be her concerned father and her overbearing older brother at the same time. Let her have this time.”

He nodded. “We are not here to discuss my relationship with my daughter.” He gestured towards the house. “Come.”

Byleth followed Seteth towards the house. Catherine stood outside, straight-backed and poised, just as Byleth remembered her. She was carrying Thunderbrand and her hand rested comfortably on the Relic’s hilt.

“Hello Catherine,” Byleth greeted once the knight had nodded in greeting to her.

Catherine’s eyes were sharp and not exactly welcoming. “I wish you didn’t have to have this conversation.”

“Rhea said she would have it,” Byleth countered sternly.

Catherine backed down immediately and opened the door, gesturing for Byleth to enter. Byleth stepped past her and into the small house and closed the door behind her. She heard Catherine and Seteth start talking in quiet, muffled tones.

The house was small and Byleth had stepped right into the kitchen. Rhea was seated at the table nearby, her posture straight and neutral as Byleth approached and sat across from her. For a moment, neither of them spoke, until the silence became so heavy that Byleth grew uncomfortable.

“Seteth told me what you did,” she began.

Rhea’s lips tightened. “I saved your life.”

Byleth forced her expression not to show her distaste. “You used me to try and resurrect Sothis,” she corrected.

“I created your mother,” Rhea said, ignoring the accusation. “I did many things to try and save my mother, but creating your mother was one of my many regrets. She was born dead and I saved her by placing the Crest Stone within her heart.”

This much, Seteth had known and had explained to her. She also knew the story of her parents’ meeting and getting married thanks to her father’s journal.

“My father bore the Crest of Flames too, didn’t he?” Byleth questioned.

Rhea looked straight into her eyes and the pale green of them was cool and unflinching. “I gifted it to him when he saved my life all that time ago. When he and your mother conceived, I feared for you. I did not know if Sitri could bear children. My concern was apparently warranted. You were born without a heartbeat so your mother begged me to transfer the Crest Stone to you to save you. I did and you lived and she died.”

Byleth felt her face twitch with pain and she inhaled sharply to regain her composure. “So you placed the Crest Stone inside of me and that is why I have no heartbeat.”

“That is why you are alive,” Rhea corrected. “You would have been dead without it.”

Byleth frowned. “What am I?”

“I don’t know. Your mother wasn’t truly mortal, and neither were you, but since you merged with the goddess it has been far more complicated than that.”

Byleth twisted her hands and pressed them, below the edge of the table, against the flat of her stomach. “I’ll never be able to have children, will I?”

This time there was a glimmer of sympathy in Rhea’s gaze. “My dear,” she said softly, “I don’t believe your body could ever handle that stress.” She studied Byleth for a moment and Byleth caught a flicker of guilt in Rhea’s face. “There is something else about the Crest Stone too,” she continued softly.

Byleth felt ill, but she had a pretty good idea of where this conversation was going. “Sothis kept its power contained when she was inside me. It’s been killing me since then, hasn’t it?”

Rhea looked down as the guilt swallowed her expression. “The Crest Stone’s power is not meant for mortal bodies. There is a reason your mother was so frail. It is likely then, that its power is eating you from the inside out. But, without it, you are dead anyway.”

An hour later, Byleth burst out of the house, slamming the door open, and scared both Catherine and Seteth. She immediately stalked away from the house, trembling with grief and pain. Seteth followed immediately while Catherine disappeared to check on Rhea.

“Byleth!” Seteth called. He ran ahead to cut her off and grabbed her by the upper arms, forcing her to acknowledge him.

“The Crests came from the blood of the Nabateans. The Relics came from their bones,” Byleth said. Rhea had confessed the origin of the weapons shortly after admitting Byleth was running on borrowed time.

Seteth looked saddened, but not overly surprised. “I suspected as much,” he admitted.

“I’m dying,” she said next.

This appeared to catch Seteth more off guard as his hands dropped from her arms. “What?” he demanded.

Byleth closed her eyes. “Sothis kept the Stone’s energy at bay. It’s consuming me slowly now that she is gone.”

“Then we remove it,” Seteth said sternly.

“I’m dead without it,” Byleth continued. She opened her eyes to look at him and saw the grief and sadness in his face. “Thank you for bringing me here to answer my questions,” she said. “I would like to fly back alone to have a moment to think, so feel free to stay here and catch up further if you would like.”

She didn’t wait for a reply before she headed off to where they had left the wyverns they had flown here on. She did hear his footsteps following behind her as he pursued her, but he did not try to speak to her again and for that she was grateful.

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perriewinklenerdie · 5 years

Text

Goddess of Dawn (Ethan Ramsey x MC) {AU} *part 1*

Open Heart, Ethan Ramsey x MC

{AU}

Author’s note: Hello, hello, hello! I’m emerging from the other side of the first week of uni! It will be a doozy, let me tell you that. The fact that I had exactly zero time or motivation to write, I decided to dig up my secret stash… an AU I was mentioning here and there.

So, it’s set about two years after OH1 and that’s all I’m gonna tell you, so I don’t spoil anything for you.

At the time of me posting this, AO3 is down temporarily, so I’ll add the link when I can

Enjoy! <3

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Rain was falling heavily from the sky, thick clouds coloring the world with grey colors and deep shadows. Puddles of water and mud covering the streets, shoes sinking into the ground. The ER was busting at seems, people coming and going, doctors struggling not to trip over one another.

Ethan moved from one room to another, placing quick but careful steps as to avoid slipping on the wet floor. He stopped by the entrance to the hospital, taking a deep breath of the fresh air. The coldness embraced him, making him shiver, his thin white coat providing not enough comfort to keep him warm.

The apparent tranquility was severed quickly by the screeching sound of tires scraping against the asphalt. It all happened quickly and quietly, the door of the car opened, a pair of hands pushed the black bag out onto the ground and then, as quickly as it appeared, it vanished, the movement showering the dark mass on the ground in dirty liquid. For a moment the world stood still, until someone approached the strange object and screamed at the top of their lungs.

“It’s a body! Help, somebody help! I think I see blood!”

His body kicked into the fifth gearshift, throwing him forward before he knew what he was doing. Ethan fell to his knees, untying the knot at the top of the bag and pushing the material away, revealing a young man. No more than twenty-eight years of age, his face deformed, nose probably broken, his lips opened as he breathed unevenly. Ethan ran his eyes over the body, searching for the source of bleeding, and sure enough, a wound that seemed to have been caused by a bullet was roaring on the side of the chest of a young man.

Without a moment of hesitation, he picked him up, having previously made sure that he didn’t have any spine fractions, and, as fast as he could, carried him inside. The ER didn’t have empty beds, so he had no choice other than taking his patient to the OR to examine what was wrong. The man was conscious, but couldn’t see to talk, and every question Ethan directed at him was answered by silence. He called for a team of surgeons, letting them take over as he finished the initial examination.

A bullet wound, etched deeply between the ribs. His pupils were blown wide, which indicated that he may have been under the influence of some drug.

He requested a CBC and drug tests, then left the room, letting his colleagues do their work. That’s all he could have done, and now all he could do was wait. In the meantime, he decided to go and ask if anyone knew who the patient was, any clue that could help them understand what happened.

The first thing that came to Ethan’s mind was some sort of a gang activity, most likely a revenge that didn’t come to its fruition yet, because the man was still alive. The way the body was discarded, like a bag of waste, like useless garbage, it made him shiver. The man was young, and regardless of who he was, regardless of what he did or didn’t do, he didn’t deserve what happened to him.

Hours later, when the operation was over, he got the lab results back. No diseases, nothing genetic, drug tests came back negative. Nothing was conclusive, symptoms weren’t adding up, confusing him even more. No matter where he looked, it all led to a dead end, and at that moment he knew that he wouldn’t be able to figure it out on his own. He needed help.

And he knew just who to ask. Just as the thought entered his brain, a blonde braid came into his view, a bright smile greeting him, her eyes sparkling.

“You look conflicted. Did something happen?” Claire’s voice broke through a thick mist of his thoughts, standing next to him.

Claire… Claire has quickly become a significant part of his life. Over the past two years, they went through their fair share of experiences, with her earning a place on his team, which remained hers to this day, her work outstanding and her contribution to medicine tremendous. Of course, having her so close to him was not the easiest thing for him to do, as they both harbored feelings for each other. It would have been much less painful if he could hate her, if he could avoid her, but that was impossible. Whether he liked it or not, he seemed to be locked with her in an impasse, and all roads apparently lead to disaster and pain.

Despite the tension that filled the air every time they were in the same room, despite the sparks that lit up his body every time they touched, they somehow managed to last two years without breaking the promise they made to each other the evening of their first day back after the trial. That they would not compromise their careers and lives of their patients by giving in to desires that were fleeting.

Except they were not fleeting.

Seven hundred and thirty days. Seven hundred and thirty days of remembering how good it felt to have her in his arms, how her lips tasted, how he fit with her like two pieces of the same puzzle. The sounds she made during those nights of passion, ringing through his ears at all times of the night and day. And then they put a lid on it all, sealing the past with a lock, throwing away the key. All would be perfect, if it wasn’t for the fact that the key seems to have bounced off the wall it was thrown at and the lock was getting rusty, easy to break if enough pressure was applied.

“Ethan? Are you okay?” Claire’s voice broke through to him again, pulling him back into reality. Her eyes were trained on him, a few lines appearing on her forehead. Judging by the tingling sensation he felt in his arm, she was touching him.

“Huh?”

“You drifted away. One second you were here, and the other you were on the other side of the universe. Come back to me, Doctor.” She laughed a little, shaking her head at him. “Okay, so what’s going on? Tough case?”

He looked down at the file in front of him, using his hands as support as he leaned over the table. She joined him, her body mimicking his actions, so they were at a comparable level of vision. They observed the results in science, both deep in thoughts.

“I was meaning to ask for your opinion, because I don’t see anything in here. Nothing makes sense, nothing adds up. I mean, look-“ he pointed out one of the tests written on the paper at the same time as she reached in the same direction, and their fingers brushing against one another briefly.

Almost as though they were electrocuted, they jumped back and away from each other, their heads turned towards opposite directions to avoid eye contact. He cleared his throat, choosing to be the first one to break the awkward silence.

“So, um, any ideas as to what it might be?” he questioned, observing as her muscles tensed visibly all of a sudden. When she turned around, she had a haunted look in her eyes, like she was reliving a painful memory.

“I- I think I saw something like this before, but I’m not sure what it was. Who is the patient?” she clearly tried to control her voice but couldn’t help the break in it as she asked for the identity of a man whose results they were discussing.

“That’s the thing. I don’t know. He was thrown out of the car in front of the ER a few hours ago. I saw it happen myself, it was me that brought him in and took him as my patient. I asked if there was any ID on him, but they found nothing. At least for now, he’s John Doe. With some sort of condition that no one can diagnose and a bullet hole between his ribs.” He mused, remembering how bloodied his white coat was after he left the OR room and went to his office. “If I had to guess, some drug cartel fights.” He added, noticing how her whole posture straightened considerably at the mention of an illegal activity.

Claire was awfully quiet, something clearly on her mind. He saw her struggling before, saw the look of despair and sadness on her face when she wanted to save a patient but couldn’t. This, however, was something different. This seemed like a reason enough to make her stop in her tracks, to wipe everything else clean from her mind, leaving only the problem itself. Before he could ask her what the matter was, she turned to him, her face straight again, a desperate attempt to cover up her real feelings.

“Can you take me to him? Maybe we’ll be able to read more from his chart.” Her words seemed small, unsure, like she wasn’t certain if she even wanted to know who the victim was. He nodded, pointing with his arm to lead them both out of the room.

Walk through the halls was quiet. Claire didn’t mention anything about what was on her mind, and he didn’t push, because he wasn’t sure what was the case in the first place, and he didn’t want to overstep. The door was closed when they reached their destination, and it was her that reached for the doorknob first, not giving him a chance to even think about doing so.

She took a hesitant step into the room, her eyes focusing on the silhouette of a man on the bed. If he was confused by the whole situation before, now he reached new heights of perplexity. A shrieking sound escaped Claire’s lips as she threw herself in the direction of a man. She leaned over him, her hands touching his arms gently.

“Charlie?”

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Tag list: @paleweasels, @lilyofchoices, @hopelessromantic1352, @aloehasrose, @valiantlychaoticbarbarian, @radlovedreamer, @usuallyamazinglyaverage, @palestazure, @cordoniaqueensworld, @universallypizzataco, @princess-geek, @faithhasnowords, @mightyfangirlofthefandoms, @drakewalkerfantasy, @timmagicktoad, @laceandlula, @greywitchyshots, @llamasgrl, @gingerjane15, @bucket-harrington , @marywrites-things , @ethanplaysfavorites , @mfackenthal , @betelgeusebee , @simsvetements, @i-only-signed-up-for-fanfiction, @buzz-bee-buzz, @owleyes374, @cora-nova, @aworldoffandoms, @l822, @cream-ray, @ughhhxjazzy, @silverlitskies, @justendlesssummerfeels, @togetherwearerapture, @desmaranj, @edgiestwinter, @friedherringclodthing, @daisy-ashton, @waytooattuned, @choicesgremlin , @lapisreviewsstuff, @the-soot-sprite, @writerapprentice, @chasingrobbie,@choicesobsessedd, @cassiusownsmyass, @x-kyne-x, @thisperfectmemory, @drakewalker04, @rookie-ramsey, @jlynn12273, @yesimacerealkiller, @thepinknymph @dr-brianna-casey-valentine, @a-i-n-a-a-s-h,

#ethan ramsey #open heart #choices #au #fic #ethan ramsey x mc #dr ethan ramsey #dr. ethan ramsey #mc x ethan ramsey #mc x ethan #dr. ethan #playchoices #choices stories you play

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oh-snap-bucky · 5 years

Text

You’ve Got to Be Kidding

Pairing: College!Bucky x Reader

Word Count: 3073

Warning: some bad words I think??? and hella cliches Summary: College is always better, always easier when surrounded by friends. And, when it came to Bucky Barnes there weren’t many that were better for the job. He was a magnificent and funny best friend (and so much more). Plus, he makes a killer breakfast - what more could you ask for?

A/N: Hey folks - this is a doozy. So this is a secret Santa (I know) for the amazing lovely, patient and understanding @trashybutnottootrashy who has been the absolute best when it comes to this. And, as well as a shameful secret Santa it is the first fic I am posting after my m a j o r slump and hopefully the first of many with a regular posting schedule where I will be catching up on the rest of my majorly overdue challenges. As always thank you to the beautiful people who put up with my nonsense and read the first thousands of drafts, @quantumarvel, @courtmr, @includeangieinthesequel - y’all are lifesavers. Without further ado, I hope you enjoy this piece and as always feedback is appreciated. Thank you for reading!

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“You have got to be kidding,” Bucky said, irritation evident in his words, But not at her. Most definitely more directed towards memories from his childhood. Days filled with screaming, not talking to each other for hours, maybe even days if it got bad enough. Money was used and wasted, often being burned or thrown in the others face. Property meant nothing, you too what you wanted no matter what the cost may be. And, of course, the cheating was unbearable with how often it occurred.

So, “No.” he simply stated, staring his problem down as he set her coffee on the table.

“Come on, it won’t be that bad, I promise.”

“It always ends in fighting, I’m not doing it.”

“Oh, I think you’re being just a tad dramatic, Buck,” she murmured, mischief in her tone as she slowly pulled the box across the table towards her, lifting the lid and setting fee what seems to be the cause of all of his woes; Monopoly. A game that had been around for goodness knows how long, wrecking relationships ever since. Game night was his idea after all. So, she thought he was in no place to complain about her choice. And, of course, she told him that straight away.

“You should have taken responsibility for the games then and let me get the coffees if it really bothers you that much…” She raised a brow, gave her sulky friend the look (you know that look) before taking a sip of the coffee he had placed before her. He gave a sigh, sat down opposite her and she knew then,

She’d won and the game hadn’t even started yet.

And she would only continue winning, move after move, property after property, the board was hers and she was loving every second of it. Bucky? Not as excited about it, funnily enough. But maybe, just maybe he thinks he can make it through as long as she keeps laughing in the way that causes her nose to scrunch up for just a second or the way she’d murmur ‘pay up’ every time (of many) that he landed on her property. It was infuriating, definitely, but these things softened the blow just a little bit. The tiniest bit. The blow was really softened when the luck began to turn his way. He didn’t know how she let this happen but what he did know is that about an hour into their game it was her who was dishing out the heavy rent prices for his two- three- four houses on the board and that number is only on the rise as the continued to play.

“No, no, no, no… no!” She cried, rising from her chair as she moved her piece along the board and clearly didn’t get the results she was hoping for. Bucky, now having the perfect evening simply laughed. But after a scolding from the campus librarian they promised to quieten down.

They definitely did not quieten down. Which greatly explains why they were now walking throughout the campus after the librarian had quite clearly had enough of the noise they emitted and continued to emit throughout their game. Whether it was his laughing or her screeching that did the trick they would never know, but it’s safe to assume that it was most likely all of the above and more.

“I can’t believe you got us kicked out,” She’d say.

“Can you really not believe it? Because you seem to be saying it a lot for somebody who can’t believe such a thing happened.” He spoke with amusement in his tone, because it was just fun, after all, eyebrows quirking along with the cadence of his voice as he jogged just ahead of her in order to turn around and steal a gaze. Not a gaze, more a glance, a glance with no meaning than utter amusement. Obviously. Bucky turns on his heels, walking backwards through the quad as the bickering carried on.

Bucky continued, “Besides, I wouldn’t say it was completely my fault, you were just as bad - if not worse!”

“Nuh-uh!” She called back, face going red from her lack of a truly hard-hitting response. Something he loved, just by the way.

He let out a barking laugh, nearly dropping her game from under his arm in the meantime. “That what you got?” His endless teasing was maybe too much for some but it would never fail to bring a smile to her face. “Nuh-uh..” He repeated, head falling forward, looking to the ground for only a moment before lifting his head with a grin. “Might have to use that some time. Yeah, I think, next time Sam gets on my ass about the mess of the dorm or something. I’ll claim ‘nuh-uh’ and blame it on Stevie.”

Okay, by then she was cackling, the whole scenario playing so clearly in her head that she couldn’t help herself. “Oh, I’m sure he’ll love that.”

“You know what-” As their walk continued and the air turned colder he opted to sling his arm over her shoulder, her responding with an arm around his waist. Purely for the warmth, of course. “-You know what I think? I think he would like it very much, actually. I mean, you know how Sam can’t resist a pretty face.” His tone was almost inquisitive at this point, seeing if she’ll bite for the bait he just threw out. And, bite she did. Not verbally but the look she gave him was harsh enough for him to wish he just kept it reeled in.

“Woah, what’s the harsh face for? You disagree or something?”

She just laughed again, “I didn’t mean it like that!” And with a grumble and the dropping of his arm, she was quick to the rescue. “You know I think you’re very pretty, Buck, I just don’t know if you’re his type is all.”

“Oh?”

“You seem surprised?” As they came to a stop at the front door of her building he began to search his pockets for his student ID, knowing she always forgot hers, meanwhile she stood, brows furrowed as she awaited his response.

“Oh no, it’s not that part I’m surprised about…” He produced the card as if it were a true ‘ah-ha!’ moment before running it over the sensor and pushing the door open for the both of them, allowing Y/N to go ahead of him. There was something unsettling her about the small smile that was threatening to break across his face… but he was holding back and she had not a single clue why.

“Well… do enlighten me.”

“So I’m your type then?”

“That is not what I said,”

“What you implied though.” She could hear the grin that was on his lips as she walked ahead of him, she tried her hardest to ignore that and the blush that rose to her cheeks upon hearing it but when they arrived at her door she had to face her fears: Bucky Barnes.

“I didn’t imply anything, all I said is that you’re a good looking guy but you’re not Sam Wilson’s type. This doesn’t mean that you’re my type and with that…” She turned to her door, unlocking it and pushing it open, ready for a quick escape. To feign nonchalance she looked back to him giving a nod and mumbling a “...goodnight, Barnes.” But alas, just when it seemed like a place to freely freak was in her grasp,

“Just out of curiosity-” Here we go, “Am I your type?”

“Bucky-”

“Just a ‘yes’ or ‘no’, promise that my feelings won’t be hurt.”

“You could be.”

“What?” He seemed surprised that she actually answered his question at all, let alone given that answer. “Sorry, was that a yes?”

“Please don’t make me say it again.”

“Okay, alright I won’t.” He chuckled at this, looking down to their feet for a moment. He looked up with a new task on his to-do list, “Follow up question if you don’t mind?”

“Go for it. I mean how much more embarrassing can my night truly get?”

“Can I kiss you?”

“Can you what?”

“Kiss you. May I?” He said, this time his grin becoming more boyish than she thinks she had ever seen it, a certain kind of light and excitement that shone through his features. She always knew it was there, but it wasn’t something he usually outwardly projected.

“Kiss me?”

“Kinda stole my line there.” he quipped. The longer she took to answer, the smaller his smile became. It never left though, still pulled at the corner of his lips as he looked down at her. She would do what she knew was best whether that be agree with him or completely shoot him down. The choice was all hers as soon as he put himself out there, and he trusted her with all he had to make the one right for her.

She paused, a million and one thoughts running through her mind as they stood in the hallway. But, after only a second more of deliberation and another thousand thoughts she spoke up again, “You can have it back then.” Before he could even open his mouth to question it she went on, “The line, you can have it back if you want.” And with that he grins, head dipping with the intention of his lips meeting hers but before they could barely brush she had a finger pressed against his chin and mischief once again in her voice. “Go ahead, Barnes, say it.”

“Kiss me.” With two words it all changed. They were still them of course, jokes and taunts included but now maybe with the clarity of gazes that lingered just a little too long and arms slinked around the waist may have been a little more than simply ‘friendly’.

And boy, did she kiss him.

It was perhaps a little shy at first, what with the weight of years of friendship in the balance and the threat of being tainted with ‘y’know you could have at least used a lil’ lip balm jeez’ to hold them back. So, it was shy, and it was gentle. The odd apology mumbled as his nose bumped against hers but she’d simply giggle and shush him, calming them both significantly. And then? God, then they just sort of sunk into it.

After an initial feeling of this is new, it became his hands resting against her cheeks, one moving to hold the back of her head when Y/N tugged on his denim jacket, welcoming a new feeling of we should’ve been doing this the whole time. Lips moved, almost dancing against the other with the accompanying beat of the still active campus around them. But they couldn’t bring themselves to care at that particular moment. Until that moment was brought to a premature end.

Life continued on as normal despite them being tucked away in their own little pocket of time, and in life people need to get passed in the narrow corridors. The others tried their best, trying their best to edge past without being noticed at all. Though only a few were successful.

A quiet, “Excuse me,” pulled them apart, a shy freshman clutching to a folder for dear life as Bucky stepped out the way. He rested against the wall by her side. With flushed cheeks and chests heaving slightly as they each caught their breath, they simply stood for a second. Reeling from all that just happened, happiness radiated, laughter from mouths that tried hard to remain hushed until the Freshman was down the hall, fully embracing it as soon as they were. His head fell back against the wall, turning just slightly to catch her eye.

“You know I’ve got an early morning lecture tomorrow, and you’ve kept me out way past my bedtime. I hope you’re happy with yourself.”

“Oh, very.” And with that, he knew he was done for, completely and utterly, not that he didn’t have some idea before.

“Well,” He started, pushing himself off the wall, looking each way down the hallway and proceeding with caution this time. “I suppose I must leave you for the night..” His hands scratched at the back of his neck as a boyish smirk once again appeared. His hand raised to the air and with a flourish, he gave a rather grand bow. “Goodnight, Madame.” And, then he moved to set about on his way back to his own building just a few blocks down the path, leaving her with nothing more than a smile and a quick wink before turning on his heels. As Sam always told him, Leave ‘em wanting just a little bit more.

“Unless you want to come in for a while?” Cool guy act already firmly dropped, he spun back around, already poised and ready with a million and one questions all compressed into a furrowed brow. But, the grin that Y/N wore gave him all the answers he could have possibly wanted and more. Just one smile and he folded.

He stepped forward, shaking his head slightly with a small smile growing, “God,” He whispered, leaving no time for her to properly respond before his mouth was on hers and she was reaching blindly for the door handle that pressed again her back.

You could say he was glad he never listened to Sam’s advice.

‘A while’ lasted a little longer than they had originally planned.

The night went without a single hitch, smiles and kisses were exchanged between them so freely it made the need for sleep loathsome. They wanted the night to last until they were ready for the exchange to stop and for morning to come, alas, that is not how the universe planned for it to play out. So, the conversations ended and they slept, legs tangled and a hand in her hair - another thing that came to its conclusion far earlier than either of them would have liked; 8:25am. And, with the mumblings of having a lecture at 9, Y/N managed to just barely coax Bucky from the bed. It was feat and a half she’d admit, but they each knew the real challenge would be getting him to part from her at the doorway.

“Bucky…” It was a quiet something. Not even she knew the full intention of letting his name fall so sweetly from lips that he continued to lazily brush against his own, their own little bubble once again appearing in the realm of her open doorway. Just-barely-there kisses continued to be exchanged, pausing every so often for conversation.

“Hmm?”

“I really, really have to get ready.”

“I know you do.”

“Which means-” His lips hushed her this time, pulling her deeper and closer to the conclusion that perhaps missing one class wouldn’t be the end of the world. A dangerous conclusion. So she gently pushed against his chest and the smile on his stupidly pretty face proved her previous hunch; he knew exactly what he was doing. “-You’ve gotta go, Romeo.”

“Romeo, huh? Oh, that’s real sweet of you to say.” Y/N was also quickly learning he was far too reluctant to leave her on that morning. But, who could blame him, certainly not she.

“Yeah well, I’m just nice like that I suppose.”

“Rich of you to say after you kick me out before 9am-” He paused, eyes trailing from her face as he eventually caught sight of the orange cotton that sat cosy upon the skin of her neck. “-all the while standing looking like that in my hoodie no less.” This was the utmost disrespect in his book.

“You know I had it,” she fired back, cotton covered hands sinking into the pockets just below her hips, a satisfied smirk on her face as she met his gaze again.

“Your point? Doesn’t mean you don’t look absolutely…” The way he spoke was too perfect, perhaps even slightly suspicious as he looked at her then. She caught it too, narrowing her eyes at him. And, then, quicker than a flash, far quicker than she could stop his fingers found the drawstrings of the hood pulled them tight. “...Enchanting.”

Obviously, she was thrilled by this, the “You’re a jerk,” she said would have made that infinitely clear had it not been muffled by the hood now covering her face.

“Yeah, yeah, I know; I’m the worst.” He said, not an ounce of remorse or regret in his voice but a grin on his face, enough to cause a smile of her own as she struggled to free herself.

“But, despite me being the worst, you want to come over after your lecture? I’ll make you some breakfast and everything.” As Bucky spoke he, after watching her struggle a while, nudged her hands away before gently fixing the hoodie.

“Ooh, breakfast? Tell me Buck, you make breakfast for all the girls?”

“Only my favourites.”

“Favourites? Plural?”

“Yeah, one and a half exactly.” His lips met her forehead then, a usual goodbye between them, though this time due to the recent… discoveries he lingered a moment. His arms wrapped around her shoulders as she did the same around his middle and they remained that way until she realised the error in what he just said and leaned back to look up at him, her brows knitting.

“One and a half?” She was pretty hesitant to ask, knowing there was absolutely no way this was an innocent mistake. There was rarely an innocent mistake when it came to Bucky Barnes, and Y/N knew that.

“Yeah, Steve is the one and then you're half because you’re so small.” See?

“Weren’t you just going?” Her hands unwrapped from around his waist, pushing against his torso now as he laughed, muttering a thousand apologies she knew he didn’t mean a bit. He never meant them but in other cases where the roles reversed, neither did she. Eventually, he gave in and parted with her, backing off. Goodbyes continued as he went down the hall, smiles thrown over his shoulder and sarcasm flooding the corridor.

“Mhmm, yeah I’m going. Have fun at your lecture.”

“I’m sure I will.”

“See you for breakfast.”

“Maybe I don’t-”

“Already told Sam, can’t break the poor guy's heart like that.”

A moment of silence passed and he was sure she had ducked back inside to get ready, but then: “I would never dream of it!”

#My writing #Bucky Barnes #college!bucky #bucky barnes x reader #im already sorry #marvel #MCU #mcu fanfiction

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cedar-woods · 4 years

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Frustrating to Amazing

Thats my wife. I didn't know where else to get this out since my mind was racing after our convo last night. You all are the open minded folks and freaks(the good fun type) ha that are appreciative of this stuff.

We are 40 and married 15, together for 20 with 4 kids. I say that partly as pinch to myself because i and we are fortunate to be so sexual still and into each other. She has always been fun and willing in the bedroom and we do some great stuff. She still gives me great BJs in various positions, we have sex in different locations, and sex is great and fun, ect.

When it comes to talking or having sexy convos and asking questions/pushing envelope though, ironically its like pulling teeth and not as good. Sometimes she even gets upset like I'm not satisfied and she or our current sex is not enough. Thats totally not case and i just enjoy talking about sex and fantasies and so forth. It gets frustrating because other times in the moment or during some hot sexting shell say the greatest wildest "fuck my mouth" type stuff lol. Then other nights ill bring up subject of sex or an idea and she is like shrug, eh, and short.

But wow last night she came with some doozies ha. She first tells me her romance books are PG and convo isn't going anywhere. Then i ask her to ask me questions since shes bad at answering ha, and knowing my wild sexual brain ha. She brings up anal and says shes intrigued for sure now, then says in one of her books the woman gets take by human/aliens to a sex room and she pleasured. One thing that happened in the room was DP and she said she was like hmmm how does that work, sounds hot. So.much for PG ha, My jaw is on the floor and she is just texting away all care free like yeah why not, id try it. She says all non chalant, "having double in me will make it tighter too right" Like holy cow who is this woman? Toys are brought up and i say i bought a dildo so one day we could simulate the MFM thing(which shes up to this point been kinda so so about) and shes again like oooh sounds hot yeah lets do that. Like wtf haha.... so i got anal, DP and a dildo 3some simulation in one 45 min convo. Oh and she said i could take some phone pics during sex for some material since I'm away for work too. Also if u saw or met her she is the nicest sweetest and great mom type person ...ha...it just adds to her mystery and hotness.

Had to get it out and let some folks know since i cant really tell coworkers and friends about my wifes DP books and fantasies haha.

submitted by /u/PAbill79 [link] [comments] source https://www.reddit.com/r/sexover30/comments/if6dyh/frustrating_to_amazing/

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lebilliam · 6 years

Text

111 questions with @imaginationisendless3

001: What is your biggest dream? uhhh. that depends on how you define dream. im gonna go ahead and say that the dream is to be able to wake up and go to the airport and just travel all around and come back home to the same old home at the end of the day

002: What is the bravest thing you've ever done? this q is quite a doozy. i really dont keep track of this kind of stuff

003: Is it hard for you to show your feelings? hell ye

004: What is your dream job? What was your dream job when you were little? when i was little i thought looking at space and being an astronaut would be really cool but now its just being able to travel

005: What is your favorite sound? mechanical keyboard clicking hands down

006: Would you rather be in front of the camera or behind it? wait this q seems familiar but im gonna say in front

007: What do you notice first when you meet a new person? (Both in real and on the internet): what kind of memes they like

008: Is there anybody you *fully* trust?: sure theres a list

009: Do you like / love someone? If yes, who?: there was this cute girl once but i never mustered the courage to really talk to her rip

010: Have you ever received / sent hate? How do you deal with it?: i flame brian and logan all the time but i dont think that constitutes hate mail. tbh i dont recall an instance of being perturbed by excessive hate

011: What are you going to spend money on next?: food in martinique (or maybe some chacos here)

012: What are three things you never leave your house without?: phone, wallet, jacket

013: What is your favorite place?: ive had a lot of favorite places over the last few years but now that im being asked i cant recall any of them. all my favorite places have this one thing that i dont like about them and thats why i have so many

014: Do you sing and/or dance in front of people? nah not earnestly

015: Have you ever cheated on a test?: have YOU? i say i want to cheat on tests all the time bc itd be so easy but im just too lazy to enact a foolproof cheat strategy

016: What is your current desktop background?: last time it was a bunch of functional groups for Ochem, but now its specific reagents and pathways!

017: How would you describe yourself in 3 words? indecisive, unpredictable, decisive (i thnk)

018: What does make you happy?: honestly?? knowing im appreciated

019: What time were you born? uhh i dont know off the top of my head atm but i can check

020: Do you give second chances? Why? why the fuck NOT? well i say that but all the second chances ive given have been disappointments. trying to find someone to surprise me i guess? xd

021: Name your biggest turn ons and turn offs: serious turn offs are lacking empathy for the struggles of others (i say stop being poor ironically, but there are people who really dont get it which is scary to me). turn ons? Jacinda asked me this and my answer still hasnt changed-- the neck. i ALWAYS go for the jugular

022: When was the last time you hugged someone?: hmmmmm probably last month or so?

023: What is your favorite food? GOD dang it i know i say a lot of things are my favorite but now i cant think of anything. something im always down for is KFC though

024: Do you save money or spend it right away? FUCK i try to save it but money just has a way of leaving my hands

025: Do you have any tattoos? If yes, what are their meanings? If no, would you get any?: id love to get tattoos. sleeves and all those seem really neat but also i know im just rash with decisions like that sometimes

026: Name five things you find beautiful: ooo hair in sunlight, pure moments of unadulterated laughter, crafts that people work on, technology, and mechanical keyboards

027: What is your favorite clothing style? (Both in you and others): lately ive been joking about the CLOUT a lot with champion and supreme branded stuff but its ironic. tbh i like buttonups with nice colors.

028: How do you cheer yourself up? i slid into this girl’s dms with this very question and then i linked her a minecraft song parody so i guess minecraft song parodies and stupid things

029: Do you show affection in public?: i would IF I COULD

030: What is one thing you are looking forward to?: martinique, being refreshed enough to actually care about school bc this last semester was a shitshow

031: Have you ever been to other countries? If yes, where?: france, spain, italy, canada, (japan when i was uber young), vietnam, fircrest

032: What was the last lie you told and why? ill start on this at 2pm. i was still in bed at 2

033: Who are the people you can always turn to? mo, lo

034: Have you ever done drugs? If not, would you ever try them?: it sounds like itd be a cool experience but im also scared all of those horror stories where the drugs were laced with other stuff that turns you into a 4 year old

035: What is your favorite word? i think about the word obsequious a lot but i think my favorite word has to go to discord

036: Do you consider yourself a romantic? sure why not

037: What are 3 objects that are *very* important to you and why?: notes section in my phone ( i write a lot of my thoughts and weird dreams in there), my laptop ( i use it literally every single day), my dice ( bc dnd has been uber helpful to me and its a great pastime)

038: Have you ever met someone famous? If so, who?: nope! not special

039: What would you like to change, mentally and physically, about yourself? id like to start working out but i say that all the time. id like to be more dedicated to school stuff but honestly its whatever. idk jsut trying to be more confident in myself and smiling more

040: Have you ever won a contest/competition? What for? i won a smash tournament once and i got fourth or third in another one but that was a long time ago

041: What is one illegal thing you would do if there were no consequences? steal, armed robbery.

042: Who are your favorite fictional characters? borutos dad seems kind of cool, they should make an anime about him or something

043: Do you ever wish you were somebody else? yea i wish i was me but better

044: What is your favorite store to shop at? FUEGO and the runway fashion exchange and idk some other cool store but it doesnt come to mind

045: Do you want to have children one day? How many? How would you name them?: i think about it. having children would be cool but also NOT having kids would be cool

046: How do you cope with stress? How do you vent your anger? i say reee unironically but then it makes me feel better

047: What do you want for your birthday? honestly? lots of money but idk a new set of dice would be nice ore maybe a new computer

048: Have you ever had an imaginary friend? yea probably

049: Have you ever said "I love you" even though you didn't mean it? in the times ive said it i feel like i have meant it but you can never be too sure

050: What is the best advice anyone has ever given you? starting to write down all your feelings and stuff that happens

051: Do you have any regrets? If yes, what do you regret the most? not taking the opportunity to go to high school/ college early / skipping grades / trying harder on admissions tests

052: Do you find tattoos and/or piercings attractive? theyre pretty neat imo i like them

053: Do you want to get married? What are your views on marriage? marriage is such an old concept but also it seems kind of cool

054: Who are you most comfortable around? tbh its been myself for the last few weeks

055: What are you wearing right now? What do you wear to bed? i am wearing shorts. i try not to wear too much when i sleep bc i overheat but if i have someone else in bed with me ill wear a thin shirt and shorts

056: When is your birthday? feb 26!

057: What is love to you? love is being able to send memes to each other and being able to go from 2 blobs watching videos to a fancy date and

058: Are you a jealous person? i can be jealous if i dont trust whatever is happening

059: Would you rather go to a party or stay at home? hmm tbh id probably party if my friends were there or if not id stay at home

060: How many relationships have you had? quite a few

061: Are you a positive person? sure, i guess ;)

062: What kind of people do you feel attracted to? smart people who are smart but also dumb and cute

063: What is the longest time you've stayed awake? oooowee i think 21 hours or so?

064: Have you ever been told "I don't want to lose you"? yep! proceeded to then lose me!

065: What is your favorite genre when it comes to movies? action comedy

066: Do you collect anything? memories and dust and trinkets

067: In your opinion, what is your best quality? i can make you laugh

068: Have you ever changed for someone?yep! it happens and its sad but it happens

069: What is your idea of a perfect date? a date is the entire day, starting out with waking up next to the person, eating breakfast together, maybe do some errands / work out, netflix and chill, chill, go out for a nice dinner and night out, come back, netflix and chill, chill, go to bed.

070: Are you shy or outgoing? i would love to say im outgoing but idk!

071: In your opinion, what is the secret for a great relationship? surprises everywhere

072: Are you the kind of person who breaks rules? hm im sure i did at some point. maybe i still do?

073: Is it hard for you to trust people? yea it can get a lil hard

074: What does your dream house look like? fat front yard, lots of plants, lots of green grass

075: Do you feel attracted to people your age, younger or older? hmm im at the ripe age of 19 where options younger than me are a lil sketch. idk according to the historia older people have been quality

076: How much have you changed over the past year? a LOT boii

077: Longest friendship you've ever had? hmm about 6 or 7 or 8 years

078: Do you have pets? If not, what animal would you like to have? no pets, id love dogs

079: Are you left or right handed? ambidextrous

080: What talent do you wish you’d been born with? perfect pitch would help a lot with what i like to do

081: Where do you get motivation and inspiration? minecraft parody songs, also seeing professionals doing what they do

082: Do you know how to swim? If yes, when did you learn? yea, i learned when i was in bellingham and then i learned more when i was in kent

083: You are given one wish: What do you wish for? i wish for 100 million dollars with no inflation, no taxes, no debts, no one filing a lawsuit or slandering my name (this is all a part of getting the 100 mil. ive thought about getting money a lot)

084: Do you like to give / receive flowers? What is your favorite flower? i like giving flowers bc i feel like if i receive them, i dont know what to do. its now ur problem if i get you flowers

085: Would you rather travel to a cold forest or a warm beach? warm beach if its not in the early morning when the sun rises, otherwise, forest

086: What is one thing you can't forgive, that can destroy a friendship or relationship beyond repair? if u kill me i dont think i could get over that

087: What is the last thing you purchased? corsair mouse

088: Have you ever broken someone's heart? Ever gotten your heart broken? yep and yep

089: Have you ever cheated on someone? Ever been cheated on? no and yes

090: Do you believe in soulmates? uhhh its possible. theres 8 billion people on this planet, what are the odds that soulmates DOnt exist

091: Is there anybody you would do absolutely *anything* for? If yes, who? hmmmm not anything, but id do a fair bit for my friends

092: Share three facts about your life.: i like to eat, make friends, and travel/experience other cultures

093: Do you believe in love at first sight? i do, but most of the time it isnt reciprocated ;p

094: Would you date someone who smokes / drinks / does drugs / has a mental illness? yea, i dont see why that would stop me from dating them

095: You are given 15 minutes of fame: What would you do? ask for money

096: How is your dream partner like? shes funny, makes me laugh, smells good, etc

097: Would you rather commit to one person or have several relationships? id rather have several relationships so i know exactly what im looking for in a person.

098: What are some of your hobbies? league, hearthstone, watching people play league and hearthstone, french, etc

099: What kind of person do you want to be? i want to be the cool old person when im old

100: What did you have for breakfast? i had some vietnamese cuisine

101: What is your Top 3 favorite shows? What was your Top 3 favorite shows when you were a kid? the office is something i enjoy, mythbusters, uh scooby doo? idk

102: What are three places you *really* would like to visit one day? hmmm maybe the trevi fountain, il duomo, totally la sagrada familia

103: What was your last meal? What was your last beverage? breakfast, water

104: Who is the last person you had a deep conversation with? hmm probably anastasia

105: What is one thing that made you smile today? thinking about martinique

106: Do you like taking photos? If yes, what do you photograph the most?i love taking photos, but i never have subjects so i dont really take photos too often

107: Has anyone ever written a poem or a song dedicated to you? Have you? FHCk man i wish. wait there was a 100 things i like about you and i think about it all the time. i actually have written poems and stuff but tis been a long time and i dont think my creative juices are back from that yet (but trust me, it was straight fire)

108: Do you remember your dreams? If yes, what was the last dream you remember about?: i remember almost all of my dreams because i always tell someone about them and idk talking helps me remember things

109: If you could go back in the past, would you change anything? If yes, what? i would start learning things so much earlier and stick with theme

110: If you were given 3 million dollars, what would you do with them? invest 2 mill in the bank, get that monthly interest coming back in the mail, use that mill to pay off all my and my friends debts, live life the way i wished i could when i was little

111: What are a few facts about you that not many people know of? i like learning languages but its not profitable in this day and age i feel

'111 Questions': by Ira V. Simon (priveting)

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survivor-kuwait · 5 years

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Episode 11 - “i am the balrog elder gay” - Kait

i am the balrog elder gay

Losing Chloe BROKE ME. listning to Bye Bye mariah carey and crying!!! this is for the people who just lost somebody... SHOOT. I wanted her to blurt out more of her votes in tribe chats. RIP. a fallen Goddess...

SWEET BABY JESUS I GET A SECOND LIFE IN THIS GAME!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!! OMG I LOVE THE LAGOON RN! BUT HOPEFULLY I CAN MAKE IT TO THE POINT WHERE I CAN RETURN BECAUSE I HAVE A FEW PEOPLE TO STRIKE BACK AT.

I’m so dumb, completely missed the voting deadline, in my defense i was teaching, but still. Never again, its merge (maybe) and im not gonna jeopardise my game like that.

I'm glad we merged but two people are returning to the game? This has been the most cracked game I have ever played.

Renee and Chips have a chance to return. Between the both I hope Renee comes back. She was an ally for me and most probably work together again.

Go rennee!

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boo chips

MERGEMERGEMERGEMERGE!!!! glad my zodiac sign is known for being loyal cause I sure ain’t.

This challenge is always weird but i think if people tell me the truth i may have cancelled out some of my stuff im getting. M&M&M are good standings hopefully. I also trust kait thomas and timmy. Hopefully i can make itndeep in the game.

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This challenge was a total meh i guess this works. Hopefully i win immunity. If not hopefully im not a target. My relationship with Madison may be rocky right now cuz i blindsided her tribe friend in another game. So im kinda nervous. Hopefully she doesnt pass it her vengence here and tries to take me out. Im slightly worried a but for this tc.

This merge is a little different from my norm game, I usually have 2-4 alliance chats going but I don't have a single one so far this game. All my deals have been side deals so far, I do not know if that is a good or bad thing as of this moment in time. Corey did fill me in that there was an alliance being formed that included him, at least it's indicative of him wanting "The Bull and the Lion" to continue to work. I am also way to mentally drained to give a damn, I just needed to make a confessional to not strike. I worked for 14 hours today but I made 325 dollars and now only owe 4k on my student loans. Thassss a win in my book even if I get voted out, I'm just gonna drink some beer, hold Jenifer and go to bed. Good night Moon.

THANK GOD I WON IMMUNITY. You have no idea how good it feels to not have to stress out too much this round. Considering there are 14 of us, really anything could happen, but it's great to know that I will make it through at least one more round. The only key here is just making sure that I stay on the right side of the numbers. The line will most likely be drawn in the sand, so it's important that I stay on the right side of it. So far, I think the people that trust me the most are Ian, Corey, and Matt. I talk to them the most out of everyone, and I do trust them all to an extent, Corey and Ian the most. I would love to find a way to get all three of them on the same page, but I know that will be a heard feat. Next in line would probably be Maynor, Madison, and Kait. I talk to these three a good amount, but for some reason I am having a hard time putting my full faith into them. I talk to Owen a good amount too, but he is a MAJOR threat, and someone that I do not want to be in the game for too much longer if I'm going to have a chance to win. For this round, in an ideal world, Thomas would go home. But that seems too easy. I am hoping someone starts throwing names around, but if not, I guess it will have to be me.

WHY DOES MATT HATE ME SO MUCH?!?! I genuinely wanted to work with him after first impressions, I bet he was the one who voted Taurus now. My idol now has a name attached to it, so thanks for that Matt. In a way, I guess you did end up working with me in some fashion. Ideally this round goes down with a clear majority on Stephan and Corey can get his save a vote activated and I play the slow burn on good ole Matteo, I wanted to butt heads with Owen at merge, but Owen has been a delight while Matteo has been nothing but a thorn in my side.

youtube

Phew child this merge! 14 people is so so so many and I did in fact vote out Adrian and Chloe, both people who I’ve worked with. I’m left in a really interesting spot because of the warzones it’s still hard to see who has a pattern of voting together. I feel that I’ve positioned myself to be in a lot of threesomes, and hopefully nobody really catches on to that? I know Kait is my number one currently and I have trust with Madison and Devon and Corey. But I’m also fully aware that everyone is a huge threat, and I have to downplay myself as one as well. Hopefully a stepehen vote will provide me with good positioning, as we’re removing someone I personally can’t reallt work with, and lessening the numbers. I also wanna really work with chips but I’m sure everyone was chomping at that bit! Who doesn’t want a bite of chips!

I wish I could put an image in this form bc the joke I’m about to make is so funny Anyways lol I told Kait about the idol I felt like I had to or else I’d break her trust if I ever used it. But THEN LOL SHE TOLD ME THAT matt also has one LMAO THAY HE NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT!!!! So that meme I linked above is literally me and matt with our idols Here’s my prob tho I like l.... I have to tell matt bc he knows I guess the coordinate. So I guess that’s a thing that’ll happen

Finally have an alliance chat with Kait and Owen...it’s been so many rounds in the making tbh, it just needed to actually be made. I feel safer having that as well as us going to make one with Matt and Maynor as well, making sure that Matt is okay with it...Maynor already seems to be on board. The only name that’s been going around is Stephen so that kind of sucks because I wanted to work with him, but he isn’t around enough to try and rock the boat for in this game unfortunately.

I found a hidden immunity idol which is awesome! Also, everyone has been silent this round after we decided on Stephen so that’s a bit suspicious

This is a really hard round because I really like everyone. If any good came from it, it's that I solidified myself into a strong alliance that should be able to keep me safe for at least a few rounds. Corey did not seem to bite on my idea to vote out Owen. Matt says he is most threatened by Ian and Timmy. And everyone just seems to want to vote Stephen. I think this round will be pretty easy, but from this point on it just gets harder. I assume that Chips is in a bad spot and most likely will go next. But at final 12, it's going to be a doozy to see who can stay on top of the vote.

So thisrounf there is an alliance of 6 however I have 0 faith in Thomas. He is a wild card and will be hard to judge and work with. No idea what’s going to happen tonight.

Aight a lot happening this merge!!! Fourteen people we losin our minds. First of all let me say half these ppl were kinda boring to talk to but I’m liking it a little better today. I came in wanting Stephen GONE because I lied to him during the taylor vote and we haven’t clicked since and I promised I would get out whoever lied to me in this food challenge and his bitch ass didn’t submit so I didn’t get my perfect ZERO!!!! So I was all ready to press him but suddenly Devon had already thrown out his name! Easy as pie. I rlly trust Kait and her and corey get along. I was branching out to some others too like madison is bae, Devon is fun, I like talking to Ian. My FAVORITE is Maynor I rlly like him but I’m scared matt has a hold on him. Anyways I helped set up some alliances today that I hope are solid. One is me Kait madison corey and then they wanted to add Devon and tommy which is cool. Still kinda pressed at Thomas because yesterday I said ily to him and he replied with lol but other than that it’s a good group. But then suddenly Timmy wanted something with Kait and I so I took that as an opportunity to solidify something with Maynor! Precious angel. Kait and I are worried because the tension between corey and matt lmao which is honestly kinda stupid. Matt was sus about corey after he spearheaded the renee vote which like I understand. And I stirrred the pot a little because I told corey that matt was after him lmao. But for now I’m rlly working hard to keep them from targeting each other and so is Kait. Idk how long that can last tho. Ummmm trace’s THOT HOE ASS told corey he wanted me out?!!! So he gotta GO! And Kait and matt think Ian is dangerous which I’m like ok maybe..., sure. Ummm Cullan is just mind boggling. He ate tater tots for breakfast who does that. But he’s sweet I guess. Id prefer him and Ian and trace gone soon but corey likes all those people oop. I rlly think Kait wants to stick with going to the end with me and matt which like.... I rlly will keep allegiance to Kait but matt? Idk. He kept his idol secret from me and it’s clear he doesn’t trust me as much which is fine, I wasbsure Stephen would target me tonight but apparently now he’s going for Thomas. Hopefully it’s an easy vote and Stephen goes and I get what I want and next round I’ll figure out what to do when it gets harder

Well. Tonight the vote is Stephen. Well, for the majority of us. For little young me, I will be voting for nobody! We acquiring a save vote. Hopefully, at our next tribal, Timmy leaves! Woo! I am in 2 alliances: Mighty Happy Meal (Owen, Kait, Madison, Devon, Thomas) and Queer Eye-ish (Madison, Matt, Trace). Period... I am loyal to my own people. Madison, Owen, Ian, Devon. Kait too, to an extent. The rest need to go at their time. I do what I can. Matt is a priority for me to get rid of. Unless Timmy wants Matt gone, I want him gone too for next time. x

Ep 11: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1-fEEBtT8R4hk_587qknbxwLmB8yhN_lt/view?usp=drivesdk

This is my placeholder confession for until I am at a computer and able to type something out. I got back in the game!

alyssa said put ep 11: just a quick recap bc i have to play this silly flash game now before i pass out - corey and matt allegedly not liking each other is still a problem - owen found an idol - i told owen matt has an idol bc i have a big mouth - corey told owen all this shit about the vote and idk just other game sensitive stuff and not me and - there's an aliens of trace, matt, madison, and corey that trace allegedly made. this is a big question mark bc either it's just really random and people that trace wants to work with despite what they said or this beef??? between matt and corey is fake which i wouldn't be too surprised by - corey told all of this to owen before tribal but told him that he was going to wait until after tribal to tell me like.... i don't appreciate that. - i think that kind of solidifies that if/when corey v matt happens and i have to pick a side i wanna go with my matt. - im sure i will think of more tomorrow oh also i want ian to get deleted from skype thx

EP 11 Confessional: I got an idol this round which is cool. I heard the vote was stephen however it’s been kinda quiet. Not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

#survivorstarzone #episodes

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