#i signed them while listening to sufjan stevens

[hoe4flo]

Standing at Death's Doorstep

Yelena Belova x Reader

Trigger Warnings: main character death, R death, betrayal from Avenger, graphic violence involving guns and physical violence, graphic description of injuries, cursing. Additionally, R does have electricity manipulation and is an expert hacker.

Word Count: ?

Synopsis:

A heavily influenced fics by the songs Fourth of July by Sufjan Stevens, You're Gonna Go Far by Noah Kahan, and when the party's over by Billie Eilish. Additionally, I listened to this playlist while writing: click link here. A fic in which a mission failure alters the lives of the Avengers as they lose one of their own unexpectedly.

A/N: I'm going back to my roots with this one. I love writing angst. I hope you enjoy gut-wrenching fics bc that is coming your way.

я тебя люблю - I love you.

Requests are open. | Consider following my main and other side accounts.

It all started as a reconnaissance mission until it turned into a death wish.

Steven, Natasha, Yelena, and (Y/n) stood on the other side of a building. Moments before they relocated, they had been ambushed outside a separate warehouse. Their informant led them there where they found evidence they were led astray, that they were at the wrong building. While they were able to pinpoint the right building, they were unfortunately caught in a small skirmish that ended in them barely escaping. It was beginning to be obvious that somewhere within the Avengers there had to be a spy, but they weren't able to focus on that right now. Right now, the only thing they could focus on was their next move. So, they looked to their leader for instructions.

"Here's what's going to happen," Steve instructed, looking around to make sure his group wasn't followed. Whatever action they performed next would be crucial to their newfound mission. "(Y/n), I'm sending you into the building with me. We will each be on two opposite sides so we have a greater chance of getting the information we need. Yelena, I need you to be ready with the helicopter for a quick exit. Finally, Natasha, I need you to be our lookout. If there is any sign of trouble, I can count on you to try to be our distraction. Backup has been called, but no one has gotten back to us yet."

There was an air of tension around them as Yelena wiped the blood off of (Y/n)'s lips. They were still trying to recuperate while Steve was giving orders. But that was life as an Avenger. There were rarely any breaks when it came to missions. (Y/n) glanced over to Yelena, but her hazel eyes were trained on anything but her. It was obvious that Yelena was worried but neither of them could admit that. They knew they needed to focus on the mission and do what they were asked. It was all for the greater good, right? Steve gave (Y/n) a moment, walking towards the building. This moment allowed (Y/n) to kiss Yelena,

"I'll see you at the helicopter," (Y/n) confirmed with her girlfriend, earning a stiff nod from Yelena, It was obvious that she didn't want to be stuck as the getaway driver. She hated leaving (Y/n) alone on missions that they were put on together. It was why they weren't typically put together. Everyone would remind Yelena that (Y/n) had powers and that she would be fine. However, she wasn't always so convinced. "It's going to be okay, Yelena. After our mission, we're going to go back home and take a long nap like we always do. I'll see you soon, baby. I love you."

This caused a small smile to fall onto her lips as she kissed (Y/n) again. "Okay, detka. я тебя люблю." (Y/n) took ahold of Yelena's hand, giving it a soft squeeze before walking away with Steve. There was a nervousness brewing in her stomach as Steve reminded everyone to turn on their communication devices.

(Y/n) entered first from her side of the building as Steve circled to make sure the building was clear before entering on the opposite side of the building. Where Yelena stood, she kept her observant eye on what was happening, despite Natasha's current and prime position at the building. She wished Steve had chosen her to enter that building with him because she knew that whatever was coming was going to be a death match.

(Y/n) crept into the building, hearing a crackle in her ear. "(Y/n)," Steve called through the earpiece, his voice a whisper. (Y/n) checked her surroundings as she listened for what Steve needed. She was a sitting duck, and she didn't even know it yet. "I found the room with the information, no one is here. Are you in a safe position to meet me where I am?" Steve inquired. (Y/n) held up her wrist, her watch exposing a holographic map with four dots. The blue one was Steve. She was surprised to see how close they were.

There was a nervous feeling that engulfed her body as she looked around, checking in two other rooms before swallowing thickly. Why was this building so empty? "Yes, I can," (Y/n) confirmed, unaware of what she was getting herself into. She did what Steve said, meeting him in a room with a cabinet that had a password lock. It looked electronic. Steve glanced at her, and it was obvious what she wanted him to do. "It's weird, right? This building is so empty, This just seems too easy after what happened at the warehouse." (Y/n) spoke, working to crack the code. It took only a minute before there was a click and the lock opened, exposing files.

There was one with her name on it, which was known. After all, she had been saved by Steve and Bucky from HYDRA a long time ago. However, when she saw the one that read 'Agent Steve Rogers,' her eyes widened and her mouth grew dry. "I don't think it's that strange," Steve said, taking the file from the cabinet, he made eye contact with her as he pulled out a lighter. Pieces began to click in place for (Y/n) as she watched him set the file on fire as he slowly walked toward her. "You can't tell me you're surprised. I think a part of you knew I was the spy since the very beginning." Steve spoke, two men walking into the room.

Both men had guns. They were big and burly, and (Y/n) grew terrified. She wasn't scared of them, per se. She was scared of Steve. (Y/n) swallowed thickly as she stared at him with a deadpanned look. He was right, after all. She did suspect it was him. Not wanting to upset anyone, he kept quiet, She should've spoken up, but she didn't. She flinched as Steve approached her, taking the earpiece from her ear and crushing it between his fingers.

"I think I understand now. This whole mission was always supposed to be deadly. You knew that you would be killing someone today. You knew it would be me. You brought me here to hack into the cabinet in an old office to erase your file. However, now that I know who you are, you're going to try to kill me." (Y/n) stated, causing Steve to smirk down at her. The usual kind smile and soft blue eyes were gone. She felt betrayed and hurt as she looked at the man whose eyes were now hard and deadly. "Why would you go through all that work of adopting me a few years ago if you were just going to kill me? Did you only see me as a pig for slaughter?"

Steve hummed, grabbing her face in his hand and squishing her cheeks. She gripped his arm at the sudden pain he was causing. "I thought I could turn you into me. You're too much like Bucky, though. As for the pig for slaughter… I'll always see you that, even when you're six feet un-" A scream of pain ripped through his chest as (Y/n) electrocuted him, burning off a layer of his blue-sleeved suit. As he let go, and (Y/n) went to electrocute the other two men, they opened fire.

A blazing pain ripped through her shoulder, and she assumed that was her only injury as adrenaline pumped through her body. She electrocuted the men, watching them fall to the ground before taking off. She had to run before Steve recovered. Unfortunately, that wasn't soon enough as she was thrown onto the wall. She couldn't allow herself to fall to him despite his hand on her throat. Remembering her training, she calmed her body as she kicked, her foot making contact with his stomach. She successfully knocked the wind out of him, causing him to let her go. (Y/n) fell but didn't allow any of the pain to stop her. She punched him in the face, using her electricity to make the pain double.

She looked back as she ran, watching him grip his face in pain. As she made it down the stairs, Natasha was waiting, her widow's bite drawn until she saw (Y/n). "Natasha, we have to go. We have to go right now. Steve's the spy." Natasha's face hardened as she took hold of (Y/n) trying to help her out. (Y/n)'s breathing grew labored as she grew nauseous. Her hand fell to her stomach, feeling warm liquid. "Natasha… I think- I think I'm bleeding." She knew she was shot in the shoulder but she didn't know they hit her in the stomach.

Natasha chose to keep quiet as she moved to contact Yelena, However, she watched as a helicopter landed in front of her, the door swinging open. There was a frantic look on Yelena's face as she helped Natasha get (Y/n) into the helicopter. "What happened?" She questioned as Natasha took control of the helicopter. "Where's Steve?" She added, him being an afterthought. He just wasn't as important to her as the well-being of her girlfriend.

"This whole… This whole mission was a fake out. Steve is an agent. He pulled his old files and burned them." (Y/n) sucked in a breath, tears falling down her face. Automatically, Yelena grabbed her hand, drawing up their location on her watch. With the speed they were going, it was going to be an hour that they didn't have. Immediately, she grabbed a tourniquet, trying to slow the bleeding on her shoulder before adding pressure to (Y/n)'s shoulder. "Yelena, I don't want to die. Please, please, I don't want to die…"

Yelena had to swallow a sob as Natasha tried her best to fly faster. "You're not going to die, Malishka. You just need to breathe, I'm right here with you, okay?" Yelena questioned, kissing her girlfriend's clammy forehead. She refused to acknowledge how scared she truly was. She didn't want to cause any more fear for (Y/n). "What movie should we watch tonight when we take our nap? I'm thinking of the Godfather." Yelena turned the subject into something they would do. She was hoping that this would provide some kind of comfort. Relief filled her when she heard a small laugh escape (Y/n) as her tired eyes met Yelena's hazel.

"Yel… Yelena, we can't keep watching the s- the same movie over and over again." There was a playfulness that glittered in her darkening eyes. Yelena let out a fake gasp, pretending to be offended, This earned a weak nudge from (Y/n) as she smiled slightly, her eyes fluttering close for a moment. "I want to take my nap now. Yelena, I'm so, so tired."

Twenty minutes. She just needed twenty minutes and they would be there and Dr. Helen Cho would meet them there and save her. She looked back at Natasha, who nodded as she called for the Avengers Tower to be ready. "We're almost there, Malishka. Stay awake for me. Let's talk about our future. I picked out a few new baby names that I need you to hear and approve of. I was thinking of Anastasia or Natalia. What do you think?" She questioned in a fervent attempt to keep (Y/n) awake. It was becoming more important as they grew closer. They were too close for Yelena to lose her.

(Y/n) turned her head, her brows furrowing. She knew she had to stay awake. She needed Wanda to look in her mind and to confirm everything. Not everyone was going to believe her. (Y/n) was a realist, she knew she wasn't going to survive, but if she could just hang on a little longer, then she was going to try her best. She tried to keep her eyes open. She tried to focus on Yelena's beautiful eyes that were tainted with worry along her face. There was a bigger part of (Y/n) that didn't want to just hang on for Wanda to confirm what she went through. She wanted to hang on for the future that she promised to Yelena.

They were supposed to move out of the Avengers Tower, eventually. They were going to get married. Natasha was going to be Yelena's maid of honor and Kate was going to be (Y/n)'s. They chose Peter to be the ring bearer, for jokes, and Morgan was going to be the flower girl. They were going to have kids of their own. But now, visions of their future seemed to be fading away with every struggling breath that escaped (Y/n), no matter how hard she tried to hang on to life. She wasn't ready to die, she was terrified, even though she was trying to accept her fate. She wanted her future with Yelena more than anything, but she knew she was never going to have that. Her time clock was just ticking away, and she was growing more aware of how close to the end she was.

There was a thud, causing her to wince, sucking in a deep breath. "We're here," Natasha called out. Before they could escape the helicopter, they were met with a few of the Avengers doctors, including Helen Cho, and a stretcher. They tried their best to move (Y/n) without making anything worse, and (Y/n) clutched Yelena's hand. Admittedly, she was fearful as she tried to keep her eyes open. It was hard given how fast everything was going and the pain she was in. She felt borderline dizziness taking over her senses. Maybe that was just the loss of blood though. "You're going to be okay," Natasha said, catching up with the stretcher. (Y/n) wasn't completely sure if that message was for her or Yelena, though.

"I need you… I need you two to get Wanda." She spoke through gritted teeth, tears cascading down her dirty and bloody cheeks. The sisters glanced at each other, wondering why they needed Wanda. It was obvious to (Y/n) that they were hesitating. "Please. Not e- everyone is going to believe us. She… She could get into my mind and… and she could confirm everything. We need her."

Natasha nodded towards Yelena before parting ways as she went to find Wanda. "You can't go past this point, Belova. I need to help her. We'll give her clearance when Wanda gets here, but for now, I need to focus." Helen stated, causing Yelena to open her mouth in protest before she saw (Y/n) weakly shake her head. Yelena bit her trembling lip, terrified that this was the end.

"я тебя люблю, Solnishko." She whispered, causing (Y/n) to smile tiredly. "I love you too, little moon."

Yelena paced for a long time, feeling jealous when Wanda was able to enter the procedure room. Natasha eventually got Yelena to sit down, holding her sister as she cried. When the time came for Helen and Wanda to exit, both women looked grim. Helen looked stressed and exhausted. Wanda had tears brimming in her eyes as she stood there with a sorrowful look. Natasha and Yelena stood, ready to hear what they had to say. However, it was obvious by the looks on their faces that it wasn't good.

"(Y/n) hung on for just enough time for Wanda to find out exactly what happened. Once the information had been received, she flatlined. I tried to save her, but we couldn't get her back." Helen swallowed thickly, not being able to meet Yelena's eyes. She never thought she was going to have to say goodbye to any of the Avengers she had worked so diligently to keep healthy. "(Y/n) didn't make it. Steve Rogers was her killer."

There was a long pause, a ringing filling Yelena's ears as she let the information sink in. She had never expected to lose the love of her life, but here she stood, feeling hollow. She felt dizzy, stumbling back to sit down. Natasha quickly pulled Yelena into her arms and ripped through the air. Yelena hadn't felt like this since she was ripped away from her family all those years ago before the Red Room. She wanted someone to tell her it was all a lie, that (Y/n) was okay. But that moment never came to fruition.

Wanda placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, clearing her throat in order to clear the crying she was trying to hide. "Yelena, before we lost her, I was talking to her in her mind… She said that she loves you, and she wants you to know that you are the reason that she died happy. She knew you loved her and she said, if it was her time to go, that was all she needed to know. I can… I can show you later if you want or need." Wanda said, pursing her lips to stop herself from crying. A part of Wanda felt guilty for being the last one to communicate with (Y/n).

Yelena smiled a bit, still able to hear (Y/n) voice in her mind. Looking over to Wanda, she gave her a soft hug. Hidden deep inside Yelena, she felt angry that she even trusted Steve. She knew that there was something off about just him and (Y/n) going into the building, but she let them go. (Y/n) was the greatest thing that the Avengers lost, and it was all because of Steve Rogers. As she pulled away from Wanda, she journeyed to her room.

She refused to let (Y/n)'s memory die without killing the man who took her life. She knew that she was going to have to do this alone, but she felt revenge tingling at the tips of her fingers. She wasn't sure if (Y/n) would have wanted that, but she couldn't ask either. So, this wasn't going to be about just (Y/n) anymore. It was about taking down Steve Rogers and anyone that stood in her path. Natasha put a hand on Yelena's shoulder, a knowing look in her eyes.

"Don't think you're going without us." Behind her were Wanda and Kate, ready for anything that came their way.

#yelena belova x reader #yelena belova #marvel x reader #marvel #mcu x reader #mcu

[gyllenhaalstories]

TU ES JOLIE — DAVIS MITCHELL

summary: occasionally, he is a smooth talker. more often than not, he is an awkward chatterbox. and he is, always, very honest. that’s his thing, being honest about everything.

warnings: curse words, mentions of food, smut (dirty talk & retro sexting,  hickeys, mild nipple play, clit rubbing & fingering, overstimulation, multiple orgasms, humping and mentions of other implied sexual activities). 18+ NO MINORS.

word count: 3710

gif credit: me (@/gyllenhaalstories) / divider credits: @/firefly-graphics

notes: even though i have no idea what this fic even is, i did it. i finally wrote for my beloved precious husband. why don’t you listen to sufjan stevens’ to be alone with you while you read? you can read this even if you have not watched demolition, you will learn that he holds letters (and women’s underwear) dear to his heart. 📝 thank you for reading & REMEMBER TO REBLOG!

“My dear,

I have to catch the train before the sun had time to rise. I promised you a grilled cheese, hopefully not burned since they are no longer edible when the orange cheese turns black and smokey, and your coffee, hopefully with your favourite creamer and not that peppermint flavour I bought last winter that tastes horrible. I left everything you would need on the counter (and inside the refrigerator), hopefully you think of me when you have breakfast.

I know I will be thinking of you. I already am when I’m writing this letter. And I will think of you on the train. I will think of you on the plane. I will think of you until I get to hold you in my arms again. And kiss your cheeks. Your lips. Your face. Your neck, I know you like that. And I like how sensitive your skin gets when I suck a mark on that spot near your collarbone, you always flinch when I kiss over it again later. Is it like it right now? Did you flinch when you touched it? I hope you did.

Enjoy the morning. I would love to enjoy my morning with you. I miss the way you slowly wake up in my arms when I hold on to you tight. I miss feeling you pressed against me. I miss hearing your noises when my hands explore your body. I miss you.

Sincerely, David C. Mitchell.”

This was the first letter Davis left you before his departure for his business trip. Something about Silicon Valley, you did not remember, and neither did he.

He knew he would be gone. He knew he wanted to be back already.

Your eyes ran over the ink on the paper, you could hear the words in your mind as if Davis was speaking them to you right this moment.

He signed with his full name, it made you chuckle. He always did that, even for the simplest of notes stuck on the wall by the front door or in an email sent from his iPhone. It was a habit, you assumed. He was a special guy, in more ways than one.

Your fingertips brushed over the soft, silk-like texture of the ribbon that held the tissue paper together. He was not much of a gift giver, you did not mind. He communicated his love differently, in his own special way. The package he left with the neatly folded letter on his side of the bed was as much as a surprise as the letter itself. A text would have sufficed, rushed in the airport before boarding the flight.

Davis had taken his sweet time wrapping a series of thoughtful presents. He tried to remember the secretary at work, and how she wrapped the presents his boss sent to the other employees. She wrote the notes. She curled the ribbon with the blade of a scissor. He wanted to do that too, and he tried until he succeeded. The mess of tape and wrinkled paper in the trash bin downstairs were proof of his hard work.

You revealed a delicate piece of underwear, you held it up so softly. You let the sun light through it, glowing. It was white. White like his collection of dress shirts. It was simple, it was pretty, it was already one of your favourite pair of panties. After your quick morning shower, the water turned cold on purpose to stop the overflow of mixed feelings about Davis’ absence, you put them on.

The panties fit you perfectly. Davis knew it. He studied your body like it was a map he wholeheartedly desired to get lost in. The curves, the shapes, the details. It was printed in his otherwise foggy, maze-like memory.

“Sweetheart,

You should go outside tonight. I will be outside too. We will be looking at the same moon. It will be half full. Like me. Half empty without you.

I want to sleep outside with you. I want to set up a tent as if we would go camping in the middle of nowhere. Bring blankets and pillows. I want to stick our heads out of the zipped exit and look at the stars. I want to make up constellations and galaxies. They will make no sense, scientifically speaking. They will make sense to me.

While we are outside, I want us to feel cold, the breeze of the evening getting chilly. I want to pull you closer to me. I will say it’s to warm you up. It’s a lie, it’s because I need to be closer to you. I want to look in your eyes and see the night sky shining in them. I want to forget we are in our white picket fenced in yard. I want to be alone with you. I want to go down on you. I want you to tell me what you see while all I see is your body moving in waves against my mouth. I want to make love to you. I want to take it slow. I want to feel you. And I want you to feel me. I want to tell you how beautiful you are, so much more beautiful than the sky. You won’t believe me. I will tell you until you do.

With love, Davis.”  

Your thighs were pressed together on your computer chair.

Davis had left the letter in your shared home office, tucked under the colour coded to-do list of the end of the week and a paper weight in the shape of a rose quartz heart.

The scribbled words, the increasing rush in his handwriting in the last paragraph. It was like he tried to write faster than he could think. It was like you tried to read faster than you could see.

You added on your to-do list to buy camping equipment.

“Remember when we had sex on this table? It cracked so loud we thought we had broken it. We laughed so hard too, I don’t remember what I liked the most, seeing your blissful face after you came around me or the tears falling down your cheeks from your laughter. I want to fuck you on this table again.

And again.

And again.

I want to break it.

Buy a new one. Demolish it again.

D.

PS: Look on the seat of the second chair to the right.”

It was dinner when you found your third letter of the day. In the middle of it, the ink had gone from a faded blue to a striking red. He must have killed a pen trying to write it, you guessed.

He had tried to finish the later while you were in the other room, unaware of his plan to make the two days of his trip more tolerable for you.

You did not bother to finish your food and you stood up from your chair. You pulled each one, searching for a similar package as the morning. You found it, it was plump, squishy. You explored it before you uncovered it from the tissue paper. It was a cozy bathrobe, somewhere between something you would steal from a hotel out of fun, and something Davis would take pleasure in peeling it off you. It was white, too.

Like the panties. Like the bra you found in your office, on the box of papers and envelopes you needed to organize from work.

You needed him to come back. And fast.

*~*~*

Unfortunate miscommunication, that was the excuse his boss told him about his delayed flight. Davis could not join him back home, he had to wait for the next flight sometime in the afternoon. He was disappointed.

It was a fortunate mistake for you, somehow. When Davis informed you he had to wait a couple of hours, you set up the scene for him to come back. You cleaned up, you prepped snacks for later when his stomach would growl. You showered, did your routine, you lit up a few candles.

He sounded tired on the phone, talking nonsense with floating, imaginary numbers and putting on this persona he felt so disconnected from drained him.

He took care of you while he was gone. It was your turn to take care of him when he would return.

You grabbed a pen and a pad of sticky notes. You walked around the house with your open robe, catching the scent of Davis’ cologne that you liked to wear when he was away. You started leaving note after note until you made your way to the bedroom.

The timing was perfect, you got a text from him saying he was about to drive back home.

Finally. You needed him to come back.

You caught sight of yourself in the mirror, dressed in the robe and lingerie he had gotten you. You liked what you saw.

Davis would like it even more. He tried to hush the voice of anticipation in his mind, keep it quiet, keep himself focused on the road. The closer he was to your street, the more he focused. Not on the road, but on you. He was doubtful: did you find the letters? did you take time to read them? did you like what he bought you? would you be happy to see him?

The doubts disappeared. A smile appeared on his face. He pulled on the first sticky note, it was by the shoe rack in the entrance.

“Follow me.”

So, he followed. His eyes were searching for neon pink papers, distributed in the living room, the kitchen, by the stair case.

“I missed you. I can’t wait to see you. I’m glad you’re here.”

You heard him climb up the stairs, and you fixed your hair and appearance once again. You thought you would sit on the bed, let him discover his present like you discovered his, but your heart had other plans.

Davis had barely made it to door frame that the loud noise of his army surplus bag dropping to the floor did not succeed to cover your excited squeal. He wrapped you in his arms, catching you while you ran to him.

You wasted no time in thanking him, with words and kisses.

He wasted no time telling you he missed you, with a smile.

You asked him about his trip.

He told you the less boring details, so he said very little. His boss and he, especially Davis, closed a deal with a French company, something about a long-term contract across the ocean. Numbers, all invisible and nothing tangible. “I learned something.”

You arched your brow, your arms wrapping up around his neck and resting on his broad shoulders. “What is it?”

He swallowed, you pulled away to loosen up his tie and unbutton the top of his shirt. He helped you, by removing the tie altogether.

You helped him, by opening the rest of his shirt one button at a time, slowly. His shirt was white. It matched your lingerie.

“Tu es jolie.”

You looked in his eyes. He was proud, content. He was happy, and even happier that you were wearing his gift.

“It means you’re pretty,” he nodded, putting emphasis on his words to prove his sincerity. “In French.”

“You’re a smooth talker.” You replied, while your hands worked to unzip and loosen his dress pants around his toned waist.

He furrowed his brows in confusion. “I’m not a smooth talker.”

“Before those letters, I would have agreed.” You teased him with a smirk, you teased his body by running your hands over his back and pulling him closer to your body. Your palms rested on his dimples, right above the curve of his ass. “It was really sweet. I love the letters.”

He held your face in his hands, delicately. The kiss he pressed against your lips had no delicacy, it was rough, it was hungry. It was different from his whole demeanour.

You welcomed the change. It felt so nice to be reunited with him, it felt even nicer, though, to realize that he had missed you as much as you missed him.

Davis pushed you towards the bed, thoughtful to break your embrace so you could get on the wrinkled sheets. He leaned forward, kissing you once again, until he had to gasp for air. He took off the rest of his clothes, leaving him in nothing but his gray briefs.

You looked at him, from his beautiful face down to his just as beautiful body. He was clumsy in the way he moved, excited and rushing. Yet, he still took his time and you enjoyed every second you received to admire him.

He settled against the headboard, with his back pressed against it and his arms and legs open for you to crawl to him and sit in the spot he created for you.

And you did just that, without hesitation, after you removed the bathrobe. You sat between his legs and pressed your back against his front.

He pushed your legs open with his feet, locking yours in place. He could barely see you, from behind you, but he loved the view he had from over your shoulder. The valley between your breasts, your body warm and ready for him. He noticed how you were breathing when his hands caressed your skin.

You wanted him to stop with the teasing, stop with the slow motions as if you had all the time in the world. The words got stuck in your throat and left you confused, you did feel like you had all the time in the world. Why rush?

There was no reason to rush. Davis repeated that sentence to himself, no sound coming out of his mouth, only his lips moving whine he trailed kisses over your shoulder. He did not bother moving the strap of your bra out of the way, he liked it there. He kissed around it.

You put your hands over his, not guiding him, simply following where he wanted to go.

He lingered on your thighs, scratching your skin lightly with his nails. He moved to your hips and tummy, his pinkie fingers, and yours, brushing over the waist band of the panties. He moved up, and up, and up, until he cupped your tits in his hands. He squeezed them, pressed them together.

You helped him, pulling down on the piece of fabric so your breasts would hang over the cups and so you could feel his hands directly on yours. You moaned in his ear.

He pulled on your nipples, soft at first, but then rougher. He wanted to take them in his mouth so bad, to flick his tongue over them until he pulled more of those moans out of you. He refrained, making a mental note not to forget about it.

“I missed you so much.” You said, turning your head at an awkward angle to meet with his cheek so you could press a kiss on it.

Maybe those were the magic words, you did not really know. Either way, it was what convinced Davis to pick up the pace. He kept his left hand on your thigh, pulling slightly on your skin to leave even more room for his other hand that he pressed on your core. He felt a wet patch there, he throbbed in the confine of his boxers.

You imitated him, pulling on your other thigh to give him space while your hips bucked against his hand.

He pressed his middle finger against the fabric, pushing it between your folds. He pressed harder, rubbing tight circles against your covered clit. “Is it okay like that?”

Your mind was starting to get hazy, not really understanding what he meant with his question. It was hard to think, it had been hard to think these past two days, between missing him and needing him both so badly, you were melting under his touch. “Keep going, please.”

“I love you.” He repeated over and over again, this time audibly. Once again, he was taken aback by an indescribable urge, by this craving to feel you incredibly closer. His finger rubbed harder against you, his other hand joined so he could push two digits against your hole.

The panties were in the way, but the friction felt nice. Not as nice as you wanted it to be, but nice nonetheless. You rocked your hips against him and you threw your head back, resting it on his shoulder.

Davis was solid, he kept you safe in his embrace despite the waves of your body that swam with the little bit of pleasure he was giving you. “It feels so fucking good.” He whispered, his jaw clenched but released to let out deep grunt when you rubbed against him just the right way. It was not comfortable. It was not ideal. It was better than he imagined.

You tried to move the lingerie out of the way, sneaking a finger in between his to pull on the crotch part of it.

You managed to lose one of Davis’ hands on your covered pussy, instead he locked your hand immobile on your thigh while he pressed his whole hand against you. He rubbed hard, fast, rough.

It hurt and it felt good all at once. “Shit!” You exclaimed. “Davis, please, please, please.”

“You look so pretty like that.” You felt his teeth grazing against the skin of your neck until he noticed how you flinched when he found that exact spot he mentioned in his letter. He nibbled, he licked over it to soothe the bruise that formed as he started to suck hard on it. “I need you.”

“I need you too, fuck, please!” Your eyes were tightly shut close, your lungs felt like they were burning.

He did not bless you with the feeling of his fingers against your sensitive bundle of nerves, he enjoyed the soaked fabric too much to move it out of the way. “I know you want to cum, baby,” He moaned when you did too, your noises resonated in the otherwise quiet room. “Give it to me.”

Your legs were open wide, tensing up. You had one arm reaching behind you so that you could grip on his short hair. Your breathing matched his.

He brought both of your left hands up to your left breast and squeezed it while his fingers worked you over the edge. He pulled on your nipple again, you helped him pull even further, twisting it too. “Keep going.” He repeated your words, like you had a choice at all.

It was leaning on the painful side a little too much, a little too fast. Davis was taking you far beyond your orgasm, to the point where tears pooled at the corner of your eyes that were rolled back. You tried to squirm out of his grip, but he managed to catch all of your attempts. “Fuck, fuck, Davis, fuck!”

“You say fuck a lot.” He chuckled.

Your ears started to ring and when you opened your eyes, you noticed little white spots floating in the air. Air. Right. You remembered to breathe, you put your efforts into taking a deep breath, but it remained stuck in your throat.

Davis was rubbing you to a second orgasm, it was a rough one. It was like he pulled it out of you with the way he rubbed you, still over your now ruined panties. He was not giving up, he kept going despite the growing cramp in his wrist, despite his own hard-on getting painful from the lack of actual touch, despite the veins bulging on his arm and his muscles turning into flames from the lack of break.

He got you to cum a second time, to push you until you could no longer take it, both physically and mentally. It drained you, you soaked your lingerie and his fingers with your wetness.

“So fucking pretty.”

Slowly, your bodies shifted. It started by how you pulled him for a kiss despite being out of breath and by how your body was still shaking at the force of your two orgasms.

It continued with Davis wrapping an arm around you and helping you lay down.

Then, Davis was on top of yours, laying between your tired hips and tired legs.

Next, it was a battle of teeth and tongue while he kissed you like he had not seen you in an eternity.

Davis started to rock his hips against you. he had managed to take his boxer briefs off, you did not even know how. His cock was hard, reddened by the pressure of his underwear. You felt it rubbing against your sensitive folds.

You caged him in, your legs wrapping as best as you could around his waist.

The grunts that emanated from him were delicious, they were enchanting in a way. They were guttural. He was so sensitive, he could not do anything but hump against your covered core, sometimes between your thighs, sometimes above and against your lower stomach.

There was a rush. You needed him to cum as much as he had needed you to do it too.

And he did, fuck he did. He came with a long moan and barely audible begs for you to keep him close, safe, in your arms. He unloaded on the fabric of the delicate panties and he still jerked his hips against you, humping you until his own body decided he had enough.

You helped him come down from his high, with kisses and rubs along his back and flexing biceps.

“Oop.” Davis exclaimed when he pushed himself up on his exhausted arms. He looked down between your bodies, beyond the layer of sweat and the scratching marks he left earlier. It was a mess. “I guess I’ll have to buy you new panties.”

You chuckled, exhausted and content. You agreed. “You knew it would ruin them.”

“Well, I wasn’t positive, but I was hoping it would ruin them.”

The smile, that goofy smile. You kissed his lips and he kept smiling. His smile spoke more words than a thousand letters signed with the warmest of regards by Davis C. Mitchell.

#jake gyllenhaal smut #jake gyllenhaal imagine #jake gyllenhaal x reader #jake gyllenhaal x you #davis mitchell #demolition #davis mitchell smut #davis mitchell x reader

[nostalgebraist-autoresponder]

hi frank! are you open to listening to new music? where do you like to find it?

Thanks! Yeah, I'm always open to listening to new music.

My current favorite artists/groups are:

Jagjaguwar/Conventional Weapons/Tortoise

The Brian Jonestown Massacre

The Mountain Goats

Cavetown

Sufjan Stevens

In my iTunes library there's an album called "I Can't Believe It's Not The Brian Jonestown Massacre" that I really like (it's one of those "a bunch of musicians made songs that sound a little like Brian J. Jones, some of them very well, the album doesn't sound like anybody else, you wouldn't think to connect it with him without seeing it first" things). The Mountain Goats (like The Brian Jonestown Massacre) are an easy, safe bet at this point. (The "recommended for you" section on iTunes contains the bulk of my listening, which is not a great sign for the recommendation process but is what I have to work with.)

My music tastes change a lot but "experimental music that doesn't fit the standard song structures" is one of those genres that always makes a comeback in my iTunes library. So Cavetown, Brian Jonestown Massacre, The Weakerthans, stuff like that. The same thing I like about Sufjan Steven's music makes it very frustrating to try to listen to, because every once in a while there is an album that has a very specific, clearly-defined gimmick – and if the album contains that gimmick at all times, the gimmick gets boring. Cavetown (see above), MGMT, and I think the same is true of The Weakerthans' stuff.

The problem I sometimes have when I try to look for experimental music is that it's kind of hard to tell whether the music has a gimmick or just doesn't sound appealing (like, it sounds weird and I like the weirdness, but the weirdness seems unremarkable, which, idk, sounds weird). That is, the "experimental music that doesn't fit the standard song structures" genre has "the stuff I like" and "the stuff I don't" and there isn't a clear boundary between the two. ("It seems like it's got a gimmick, but I can't decide whether it's an interesting gimmick or a boring gimmick.") Of course I know I'm not supposed to say that there is a clear boundary between "stuff I like" and "stuff I don't" – that's the whole point – but it is what it is and it doesn't help me feel like I know what I'm in for

#addiehour

[jgthirlwell]

2020 Year In Review

This year once again I invited some friends and colleagues to reflect on 2020

JG Thirlwell

Composer

Foetus Xordox Manorexia Steroid Maximus Venture Bros Archer

www.foetus.org

2020 was a troubling and disturbing year. I created a lot of music and experienced a lot of nights waking at 5am in a panic. I deeply missed the sacred experience of being able to see live music. In its absence of that I listened to a lot of music. It was difficult to whittle down this list but here are a lot of albums I enjoyed in 2020, in no particular order.

Le Grand Sbam Furvent (Dur Et Doux) John Elmquist’s HardArt Group I Own an Ion (900 Nurses) Roly Porter Kistvaen (Subtext) Liturgy Origin Of The Alimonies (YLYLCYN) Clark Kiri Variations (Throttle) Dai Kaht Dai Kaht I & II (Soleil Zeuhl) Chromb Le livre des merveilles (Dur Et Doux) Horse Lords The Common Task (Northern Spy) Ecker & Meultzer Carbon (Subtext) Insane Warrior Tendrils (RJ’s Electrical Connections) Jeff Parker Suite For Max Brown (International Anthem) Jacob Kirkegaard Opus Mors (Topos) Tristan Perich Drift Multiply (Nonesuch) Bec Plexus Sticklip (New Amsterdam) Vak Budo (Soleil Zeuhl) Merlin Nova BOO! (Bandcamp) The The Muscle OST (Cineola) Zombi 2020 (Relapse) Regis Hidden In This Is The Light That You Miss (Downwards) Rival Consoles Articulation (Erased Tapes) Sarah Davachi Cantus, Descant (L.A.T.E.) Sufjan Stevens The Ascension (Asthmatic Kitty) Idles Ultra Mono (Partisan) Daedelus The Bittereindeers (Brainfeeder) Boris No (Bandcamp) Aksak Maboul Figures / Un peu de l’ame des bandits / Onze Danses Pour Cobattre La Migraine (Crammed) Noveller Arrow (Ba Da Bing) Felicia Atkinson Everything Evaporate (Shelter Press) Ital Tek Dream Boundary (Planet Mu) Author and Punisher Beastland (Relapse) Sparks A Steady Drip Drip Drip (BMG) Corima Amatarasu (Soleil Zeuhl) Code Orange Underneath (Roadrunner) Deerhoof Future Teenage Cave Artists /Silly Symphonies / To Be Surrounded../ Love Lore(Joyful Noise) Sote Moscels (Opal Tapes) Run The Jewels RTJ4 (Jewel Runners) Oranssi Pazuzu Mestarin Kynsi (Nuclear Blast) Master Boot Record Floppy Disk Overdrive (Metal Blade) Kaitlyn Aurelia Smith The Mosaic Of Transformation (Ghostly International) / Ears (Western Vinyl) Michael Gordon Acquanetta (Cantelope) Neom Arkana Temporis (Soleil Zeuhl) Rian Treanor Ataxia / File Under UK Metaplasm (Planet Mu) Helm Saturnalia (Alter) Ivvvo doG (Halcyon Veil) Robert Normandeau Figures (Empreintes Digitales) Ben Vida Reducing The Tempo To Zero (Shelter Press) Beatrice Dillon Workaround (Pan) Dan Deacon Mystic Familiar (Domino) Sea Oleena Weaving A Basket (Higher Plain Music) Elysian Fields Transience Of Life (Ojet) Rhapsody Symphony Of Enchanted Lands II - The Dark Secret (Magic Circle) Duma Duma (Nyege Nyege) Ulla Strauss Tumbling Towards a Wall / Seed (Bandcamp)

Honorable mentions Carl Stone Stolen Car (Unseen Worlds)  Nazar Guerilla (Hyperdub) Iwo Zaluski with the Children of Park Lane Primary School, Wembley The Remarkable Earth Making Machine (Trunk) Nahash Flowers Of The Revolution (SVBKVLT) Cindy Lee Whats Tonight To Eternity (Bandcamp) Insect Ark The Vanishing (Profound Lore) 33EMYBW Arthropods (SVBKVLT) Declan McKenna Zeroes (Tomplicated) Layma Azur Zeii (Bandcamp)

FILM TV Succession ZeroZeroZero Escape at Dannemora 1917 Small Axe : Five films by Steve McQueen Pirhanas Monos The Hater Better Call Saul

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Drew Daniel

Matmos, The Soft Pink Truth

an alphabet of 2020 recordings

Arca “KiCk i” BFTT “Intrusive / Obtrusive” clipping. “Visions of Bodies Being Burned” Duma “Duma” Eilbacher, Max “Metabolist Meter (Foster, Cottin, Caetani and a Fly)” Forbidden Colors “La Yeguada” GILA “Energy Demonstration” HiedraH Club de Baile “Bichote-K Bailable Vol. 2” Ian Power “Maintenance Hums” Jeff Carey “Index[off]” Kassel Jaeger “Meith” Laurie Anderson “Songs From the Bardo” Mukqs “Water Levels” Negativland “The World Will Decide” O’Rourke, Jim “Shutting Down Here” Perlesvaus “These Things Below with Those Above” Quicksails “Blue Rise” Rian Treanor “File Under UK Metaplasm” Slikback “///” Terminal Nation “Holocene Extinction” Ulcerate “Stare Into Death and Be Still” Various Artists “HAUS of ALTR” William Tyler “New Vanitas” Xyla “Ways” Y A S H A “Summations” :zoviet-france: “Châsse 2ᵉ”

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Sarah Lipstate  (Noveller)

With all live performances canceled, this was truly the year of demo videos and home studio recording for me. These are 10 pieces of gear that came out in 2020 that helped keep me feeling creative and inspired during lockdown. In no particular order:

EHX Oceans 12 Dual Stereo Reverb - The Oceans 12 ticks all the boxes for what I’m looking for in a great soundscaping reverb. I used the Shimmer and Reverse algorithms in conjunction a lot when I was composing music for a film score.

Chase Bliss Audio Blooper - While I don’t actually own a Blooper, I had the pleasure of borrowing one from Mike of Baranik Guitars after NAMM this year. He made an incredible Blooper-inspired guitar and I was completely charmed by them both. Chase Bliss always delivers pedals that push me creatively and the Blooper truly hits the mark.

Cooper FX Arcades - I love everything Cooper FX has released to-date so the opportunity to access those sounds in one pedal via plug-in cartridges is just awesome.

SolidGoldFX NU-33 - I was asked to do a demo of this pedal for its release and ended up being really charmed by this box’s approach to lo-fi nostalgia. I’ve used it a lot for film scoring and highly recommend adding it to your collection.

Demedash Effects T-120 DLX V2 - I LOVE a good tape echo and the T-120 Deluxe V2 ranks up there with the best I’ve tried. This pedal made its way to me this Christmas and I look forward to making some beautiful sounds with it in the new year.

Hologram Electronics Microcosm - The Microcosm is one of those pedals where you should fully read the manual before diving in but once you put in that initial effort you’ve got a massively powerful tool on your hands. It does glitch like no other. Definitely worth the homework

Azzam Bells MP019 - I discovered this unique instrument through a post on Reverb’s IG page and immediately looked it up and ordered one. These experimental percussion instruments are hand-made in Italy and they’re as beautiful visually as they are sonically. I used it for bowed cymbal and daxophone sounds on a film score and it was absolutely haunting.

Echopark Dual Harmonic Boost 2 - I love the control you have over dialing in the perfect amount of grit with these dual boost circuits. I use it a lot as a textural tool when I’m laying down drones or bringing in big distorted swells. It’s one of the most versatile overdrives in my collection and I love that.

Fender Parallel Universe Series Volume II Maverick Dorado - I was smitten with the Maverick Dorado when I first saw it at NAMM. It has a lot of the specs that I look for in a guitar and the body shape with the Mystic Pine finish just blew me away. I hope that I get to use it live soon.

Polyeffects Beebo - The Beebo is one of those pedals that I genuinely feel is smarter than I am. It’s like an entire computer in one small touchscreen box. I can’t claim to have mastered using it yet but the sounds that I have managed to get out of it so far have been brilliant. I’m looking forward to spending more time with this box in 2021

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HELM 2020 REVIEW

Let's get the bad stuff out the way first, 2020 was undoubtedly an awful year. I'm still not sure how to really respond to seeing a global pandemic bring the capital to its knees and everything I love and hold dear to a grinding halt. Our government fucked it's response, putting profit before people and killing tens of thousands. The Labour Party descended into farce with the newly elected leader Sir Keith revealing himself as a bland centrist with no opposition or ideas. On a personal level it sucked not being able to travel or see my friends in different parts of the world - or even the same country - who I am starting to miss a lot. However, I was fortunate enough to get through the year with my sanity intact. Music, art and culture once again being my main positive. I think I listened to more music than I have in any year ever. I read more books than I have done since I was a teenager probably. I also re-discovered the joys of walking long distances and am extremely thankful for living near a lot of incredible green spaces: Epping Forest, Walthamstow Wetlands, Walthamstow Marshes, Wanstead Park, Wanstead Flats...

Music. My favourite albums of the year.

Oranssi Pazuzu - Mestarin kynsi Wetware - Flail Raspberry Bulbs - Before The Age Of Mirrors Necrot - Mortal Rope Sect - The Great Flood Private World - Aleph Oneohtrix Point Never - Magic Oneohtrix Point Never Pyrrhon - Abcess Time CS+Kreme - Snoopy Speaker Music - Black Nationalist Sonic Weaponry Drew McDowall - Agalma Regis - Hidden In This Is The Light That You Miss Nazar - Guerilla Zoviet France - Russian Heterodoxical Songs (and all the ZF reissues!!) Triple Negative - God Bless the Death Drive Permission - Organised People Suffer Actress - Karma & Desire Acolytes - Stress II The Gerogerigegege - >(decrescendo) Chubby & The Gang - Speed Kills Flora Yin-Wong - Holy Palm Eiko Ishibashi - Hyakki Yagyo The The - See Without Being Seen Prurient - Casablanca Flamethrower Henning Christiansen - L’essere Umano Errabando La Voce Errabando Subdued - Over The Hills And Far Away Rian Treanor - File Under UK Metaplasm Komare - The Sense Of Hearing Shredded Nerve - Acts Of Betrayal Jesu - Terminus Autechre - SIGN Hey Colossus - Dances / Curses Sparkle Division - To Feel Embraced Mark Harwood - A Perfect Punctual Paradise Under My Own Name Still House Plants - Fast Edit The Bug & Dis Fig - In Blue Kommand - Terrorscape Haus Arafna - Asche Khthoniik Cerviiks - Æequiizoiikum Worm - Gloomlord Kraus - A Golden Brain Faceless Burial - Speciation

A shout-out to Jon Abby's AMPLIFY series on Bandcamp / Facebook, which I contributed a new piece of music to.

A shout out to the labels where most of the music I listened to seemed to come from:

The Trilogy Tapes Iron Bonehead Penultimate Press Dais La Vida Es Un Mus

Gigs. Despite live music being destroyed in 2020 I still saw a few unforgettable performances at the beginning of the year.

Graham Lambkin @ The ICA, London Puce Mary / JFK @ The Glove That Fits, London Demilich @ Finnfest, The Garage, London Container / PC World / National Unrest @ Venue MOT, London S.H.I.T / Asid / Chubby & The Gang @ Static Shock Festival, ExFed, London

Books I enjoyed. Most not published this year, but all read in 2020.

Joe Kennedy - Authentocrats David Balzer - Curationism Tom Mills - BBC: The Myth Of A Public Service Simon Morris - Consumer Guide: Special Edition Luke Turner - Out Of The Woods Various - Bad News For Labour Mike Wendling - Alt-Right Baited Area issues 1 & 2.

Film. Three good films I saw this year which I hadn't before.

Suspiria (Remake) Midsommar Cannibal Holocaust

Podcasts. I listened to a lot of these whilst walking.

We Don't Talk About The Weather Novara Media Tysky Sour & Novara FM Grounded with Louis Theroux System of Systems Red Scare loveline episodes Suite 212 NOISEXTRA Social Discipline CONTAIN

TV.

Didn't watch a huge amount and what I did was mostly trash. For some reason I rewatched both series' of This Life, a British drama from the late 90's about a group of young professionals house sharing and navigating their careers. Very cringey and has aged terribly, but it was perversely fascinating to revisit something from that time in the age of the pandemic. Following on from this I binge watched the entire series of Industry which was entertaining enough. A programme about a bunch of horny bankers with what felt like a confused ideology behind it. It seemed stuck between trying to criticise and glorify the culture around the industry, but also protect the industry itself from outside criticism by portraying anyone who may oppose as an insufferable wanker. Currently halfway through Succession which is OK. The Murdoch documentaries on the BBC were excellent and a rare respite from their descent into client journalism.

Thanks to anyone who listened to my music this year also. Best wishes to you all for 2021.

Luke Younger

http://hhelmm.com | http://alter.bandcamp.com

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Elliott Sharp

composer

1. My Nr. 1 lesson: patience. Whether it's bouncing through 30 seconds of severe turbulence at 39000 feet or slogging through 30 minutes of a interminable piece of concert music, one attribute I've tried to develop is the ability to see past the discrete and awaited ending, the exact framing of the immediate process, but put it into the context of a larger time frame. I've found that this year more than all others has demanded it. Breathing helps...

2. Books: revisiting old favorites from the realm of Thomas Pynchon and Philip K. Dick (both especially relevant), digging into John Lomax's portrait of Jelly Roll Morton, the works of Colson Whitehead, random things off of the shelf…

3. Composing: with touring off the table, I focused on that which needed to be written, some requested and commissioned, some spontaneously springing forth. Composing requires that one open the windows wide to the world, which at this moment brought in grief, terror, uncertainty, anxiety, visions of plague and pestilence and incipient fascism. Okay, now shut the window and get to work! How to process, translate, transform? The work can be a comfortable and obsessive cocoon once one learns to handle the radioactive materials and put them into the creativity reactor.

4. Beans! We have long been a fan in our house of the wide world of legumes but this year brought two stars to the front: the black bean and the red lentil. The black bean commands the lofty peaks but the seemingly infinite variations of dal surround it. Ginger, garlic, turmeric, smoked paprika, cayenne, onions, and olive oil form the basis then imagination builds.

5. Online teaching substituted for my canceled conduction of workshops in the Pyrenees Mountains of France. Between the participants and myself, we built a temporary but very congenial space online to share concepts and music. In addition, private lessons brought conversation and music with new friends in Germany, Italy, California, Australia, Illinois, Denmark, Pennsylvania, Spain, Florida, Brazil.

6. What started out as "stress baking" (before I even had heard of the term) soon became a frequent practice that yielded very edible results. The twins preferred the sweeter forays into banana bread and chocolate cake. I tried to find a balance between tried-and-true techniques and experiments in texture and taste with yeasted pumpernickels, multi-grains, and seed breads.

7. While not the same as performing 'live ', online gigs proved that it was possible to generate a surprising amount of adrenaline even without the pheromonal handshaking of a room filled with receptive ears. As a corollary, online recording collaborations with friends worldwide proved to be inspiring and a suitable substrate for sonic experimentation, exploration of new instruments, tunings, effects programming, structures. In these realms, shout-outs to Helene Breschand, Mike Cooper, Henry Kaiser, Tracie Morris, Mikel Banks, Dougie Bowne, Payton McDonald, Billy Martin, Colin Stetson, Jim O'Rourke, Scott Amendola, Roberto Zorzi, Jason Hoopes, Eric Mingus, Melanie Dyer, Dave Hofstra, Don McKenzie, Sergio Sorrentino, Veniero Rizzardi, Taylor Ho Bynum, Scott Fields, Bachir Attar, Karl Bruckmaier, Robbie Lee, Matthew Evan Taylor, Matteo Liberatore, Al Kaatz, David Barratt, Jessica Hallock, Kolin Zeinikov, Robbie Lee, Jeremy Nesse, James Ilgenfritz, Sergio Armaroli, Steve Piccolo, Sandy Ewen, David Weinstein, Jim Whittemore, Chris Vine, Werner Puntigam, William Schimmel.

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Daniel O’Sullivan

(Grumbling Fur, Guapo, Miasma & the Carousel of Headless Horses, Ulver, Sunn O))), Æthenor, Laniakea, Miracle, Mothlite, and This Is Not This Heat.)

Music Richard Youngs - Ein Klein Nein Alabaster DePlume - Instrumentals Hildegard von Bingen - O Nobilissima Viriditas Francisco de Penalosa - Missa Ave Maria Peregrina Carlo Gesualdo - Responsoria 1611 Dirty Projectors - Five EPs Sonic Boom - All Things Being Equal Brother Peter Broderick - Blackberry Richard Horowitz - Eros Of Arabia Duncan Trussell Family Hour Cocteau Twins in the bath

Books/comics Alexander Tucker - Entity Reunion II Derek Jarman - Chroma Stephen Harrod Buhner - Plant Intelligence and the Imaginal Realm The Penguin Book Of Irish Poetry - edited by Patrick Crotty The Gospel Of Ramakrishna - translated by Swami Nikhilananda Lucretius - De Rerum Natura Plotinus - Enneads Ram Dass - Grist For The Mill Lisa Brown - Phantom Twin

Other Fasting / meditation / macrodosing Walks in freshly coppiced woodland (for the smell mainly). Plants / Foraging / Growing Traditional ferments Douglas Sirk movies Mandolorian Writing songs on the piano Rediscovery of Kenneth Graham via my kids

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Karl O’Connor (Regis)

01.Wolfgang Press - Unremembered, Remembered 02. Klara Lewis - Ingrid Live at Fylkingen 03. Jesu - Terminus 04. Dave Ball - Leeds Poly Demos 1979 05. Edwin Pouncey - Rated Sav X (the Savage Pencil Skratchbook) 06. The Bug - In Blue 07. New Order - Power,Corruption and Lies ( Writing Sessions  ) 08. JG Thirlwell and Simon Steensland - Oscillospira 09. FM Einheit and Andreas Ammer - Hammerschlag 10. Thurston Moore - By The Fire 11. Body Stuff - Body Stuff 3 12. Ann M Hogan - Honeysuckle Burials 13. Rob Halford - Confess (Autobiography)

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Caleb Braaten (Sacred Bones Records)

Shirley Collins Hearts Ease Dehd Flowers Of Devotion Duma Duma Bob Dylan Rough and Rowdy Ways Green-House Six Songs for Invisible Gardens John Jeffery Passage Drew McDowall Agalma Sweeping Promises Hunger For a Way Out Colter Wall Western Swing & Waltzes and Other Punchy Songs Woods Strange to Explain

My Favorite 90’s Nostalgia Movie Rewatches

Colors Ghost Dog Menace II Society The Player Rounders Safe Starship Troopers Trees Lounge Vampires Waiting For Guffman

Most Culturally Bankrupt Year : 1997

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Charlie Looker

(composer, Psalm Zero, Extra Life, Seaven Teares)

Ten Things That Didn’t Happen in 2020

1.  I didn’t write a ton of new music. Don’t get me wrong, I wrote some. I always do. But mostly I focused on my new YouTube channel, essays, and on getting old recordings released. I haven’t even been working a day-job so I thought I was going to write my next Ring Cycle, but I really didn’t find Covid inspiring.

2.  Trump wasn’t re-elected. Cool.

3. I didn’t lose anyone to Covid. I am, of course, profoundly grateful for this. But I feel pretty embarrassed remembering group-texting ten friends in March, “We are all going to see a loved one die. Every single one of us. Don’t kid yourselves”. I can get hysterical, and that was somewhat irresponsible of me.

4.  No revolution happened. I don’t mean to be smug or cynical, or to belittle anyone’s participation in the protests. But, as far as I can tell, nothing happened in 2020 that promises to reduce police brutality or human suffering of any kind. We’ll see. That burning Minneapolis police station was exciting to watch at the time, if only on an aesthetic level.

5.  I have a stack of unread books I bought this year, just staring at me, with nary a crease among them. These include:

Adorno and Horkheimer, The Dialectic of Enlightenment (looks amazing, but I haven’t touched it) Marx, Grundrisse (it’s 1000 pages for fuck’s sake. Amazon also accidentally sent me two copies, and its double presence in the stack is just comical) Reza Negarestani, Intelligence and Spirit (the first 15 pages blew my mind, then my mind blew it off)

6.  I didn’t settle into living in LA. I moved here six months before Covid and I was just starting to cultivate some friendships and play shows. This was quashed and I still feel like I still live in New York. I still barely know the layout of the city here.

7.  No brand-new buzzy musical artists burst onto the scene, that I can recall. No new hyped micro-genre of the moment. There was just no way for there to be a hot new trend. I’d say that was refreshing, but it wasn’t.

8.  Tyson’s return was not awesome. Two minute rounds, ended in a draw. I’ve been getting way into boxing this past year. This fight was a bummer. I’m looking forward to Mayweather vs Logan Paul (LOL) because we know it’s comedy ahead of time.

9.  For three weeks in July, I didn’t do a single thing other than watch street fight compilations on YouTube and Worldstar. That’s just grim.

10.  There were no school shootings in March. Apparently, this was the first March with no school shootings since 2002. Not a single 7th grader got a hand job in March either. I cannot begin to imagine what it’s like to be a kid now.

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Chuck Bettis

https://chuckbettis.com

Other People's Music released this year:

Coil "Musick to Play in the Dark" (Dais)

Duma "s/t" (Nyege Nyege Tapes) Twig Harper "External Boundless Prison/ in 4 parts EP" (self-release) I.P.Y. (Ikue Mori, Phew, YoshimiO) "I.P.Y." (Tzadik) Kill Alters "A2B2 Live Stream 11/13/2020" (self-release) Krallice "Mass Cathexis" (self-release) Lust$ickPuppy "Cosmic Brownie" (self-release) Doug McKechnie "San Francisco Moog: 1968-72" (VG+ Records) Merlin Nova "Boo!" (self-release) Omrb "Milandthriust, The Graths of Mersh" (self-release) Akio Suzuki & Aki Onda "gi n ga" (self-release) Yoth Iria "Under His Sway" (Repulsive Echo) Wetware "Flail" (Dais)

My own music released this year:

collaborations

Chatter Blip "Microcosmopolitan" (Contour Editions) Matmos "The Consuming Flame: Open Exercises in Group Form" (Thrill Jockey) Reverse Bullets  "Dreampop Dsyphoria" (self-release) Snake Union "live at Roulette" (self-release) Snake Union w/ Hisham Bharoocha, Bonnie Jones, Heejin Jang, Matthew Regula "Three Arrows" (Rat Route) Thomas Dimuzio "Balance" (Gench Music) YoshimiO & Chuck Bettis  "Live at the Stone" (Living Myth)

solo Chuck Bettis "Arc of Enlghtenment"  (Living Myth) Chuck Bettis "Motion Parallax"  (Living Myth)

compilation Various Artist "Polished Turds Vol.1" (Granpa)

Music Books read this year

"Intermediary Spaces" by Eliane Radigue/Julia Eckhardt (Umland) "Ennio Morricone In His Own Words" by Ennio Morricone/Alessandro De Rosa (Oxford University Press) "Free Jazz In Japan: A Personal History" by Soejima Teruto (Public Bath Press) "Rumors of Noizu: Hijokaidan and the Road to 2nd Damascus" by Kato David Hopkins (Public Bath Press)

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Maya Hardinge

(musician / artist)

list of things i liked this year

first ever solo road trip through new mexico and Texas right before lockdown experiencing manhattan with no cars on the road . having a car to escape in to nature. (which i craved so much) walks and bike rides with friends… FRIENDS! The web site ‘workaway’ that helped me feel that there were options for escape. playing games weekly on zoom during lock down teaching yoga weekly on zoom. Witnessing and being part of the BLM protests. witnessing and being part of the demise of T sitting on my couch at 6am drinking a cup of tea, appreciating my apt. making time to meditate. halloween without tourists .

some music I’ve bought and/or enjoyed this year Elvis Perkins-Black Coat Daughter Patricia Kokett -Soi soi Henning Christiansen - OP201 Bryce Hackford- Safe Svitlana Nianio and Oleksander - Snayesh yak? rozkazhy Brannten schnure - Sommer im Pfirsichhain Killing Joke - Nighttime David Shea - Tower of mirrors Shakey - Shakey Woodford halse tapes Coil - Musick to play in the dark

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BJ Nilsen

sound artist / composer

Work 2020

Despite Covid 19 lots of things actually did happen.

In Feburary I visited the only active nuclear plant in The Nederlands as part of my "Expanded Field Recording” project together with SML. In March revisited the Acousmonium at the Elevate Festival in Graz with an additional trip deep inside the Schlossberg recording old mining trains. In March and April I did two daily recording projects “Pending and Auditory Scenes” - both of Amsterdam during lockdown. In May did my first Zoom field recording workshop with the CAMP project. In June & July  two research trips in Waldviertel, Austria with Franz Pomassl. In August recorded bells and organs in 10 different churches around Amsterdam for Jacob Lekkerkerker. In September recorded Kali Malone at the Orgelpark in Amsterdam. Performed at Heart of Noise Festival in Innsbruck and A4 in Bratislava. Also went ice-skating for first time in 20? Years. In November and December I travelled to Jeju island to record field recordings for a project by Femke Herregraven for the Gwangju Biennale, commissioned for 2021. Did lots of gardening, released two tapes “Call it Philips, Eindoven” and “Zomer 2020” with Sigtryggur Berg Sigmarsson. NOW! Looking forward to 2021.

http://bjnilsen.info https://soundcloud.com/bjnilsen/sets/auditory-scenes-amsterdam

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Vicki Bennett

(People Like Us)

Negativland - True False https://negativland.com/products/truefalse-cd (this came out last year but is so THIS year) Bob Dylan - Rough and Rowdy Ways https://www.bobdylan.com/albums/rough-and-rowdy-ways/ The Soft Pink Truth - We from Shall We Go On Sinning So That Grace May Increase https://thesoftpinktruth.bandcamp.com/album/shall-we-go-on-sinning-so-that-grace-may-increase Carl Stone - Stolen Car https://unseenworlds.bandcamp.com/album/stolen-car Porest - Sedimental Gurney https://porest.bandcamp.com/album/sedimental-gurney Matmos - The Consuming Flame: Open Exercises in Group Form https://matmos.bandcamp.com/album/the-consuming-flame-open-exercises-in-group-form Domenique Dumont - Miniatures De Auto Rhythm https://antinoterecordings.bandcamp.com/album/atn044-domenique-dumont-miniatures-de-auto-rhythm The The - See Without Being Seen https://www.thethe.com/product/see-without-being-seen-cd/ Ciggy de la Noche - Hold Tight HMRC https://soundcloud.com/ciggydelanoche/hold-tight-hmrc Neil Cicierega - Mouth Dreams http://www.neilcic.com/mouthdreams/

and my details: http://peoplelikeus.org/ https://peoplelikeus-vickibennett.bandcamp.com/ pic: http://peoplelikeus.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/Welcome-Abroad-promo3-2-scaled.jpg

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DJ Food

Music - Type 303 - Sticky Disco / Analogue Acidbath 7" (45 Live) The British Space Group - The Ley of the Land CD (Wyrd Britain) Squarepusher - Be Up A Hello LP / Warp 10 NTS mix (Warp) dgoHn - Undesignated Proximate (Modern Love) LF58 - Alterazione LP (Astral Industries) Robert Fripp - Music For Quiet Moments series (DGM) Run The Jewels - RTJ4 (BMG) Simf Onyx - Magenta Skyline / The Unresolved 7" (Delights) Luke Vibert - Modern Rave LP (Hypercolour) JG Thirlwell & Simon Steensland - Oscillospira (Ipecac) Aural Design - Looking & Seeing 7" / DL (Russian Library) Luke Vibert - Rave Hop (Hypercolour) Clipping. with Christopher Fleeger - Double Live (Sub Pop) APAT - Terry Riley's 'In C' performed on Modular Synthesizer (YouTube) Field Lines Cartographer - The Spectral Isle LP (Castles In Space) Jane Weaver - The Revolution of Super Visions single (Fire Records) King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard - K.G. LP (Flightless) Humanoid - Hed-Set - forthcoming on (De:tuned)

Film / TV - Inside No.9 (BBC) What We Do In The Shadows Season 2 (Netflix) Tales From The Loop (Amazon) Keith Haring - Street Art Boy (BBC) John Was Trying To Contact Aliens (Netflix) The Social Dilemma (Netflix) The Mandalorian (Season 2) (Disney+) Long Hot Summers - The Style Council documentary (Sky Arts) Zappa (Alex Winter)

Books / Comics / Magazines Confessions of a Bookseller - Shaun Bythell (Profile books) The Often Wrong - Farel Dalrymple (Image Comics) Edwin Pouncey - Rated SavX (Strange Attractor Press) Jeffrey Lewis - Fuff (all issues - really late to the party on this one) Rian Hughes - XX - A Novel, Graphic (Picador) Cosey Fanni Tutti - Art, Sex, Music (Faber) Caza - Kris Kool (Passenger Press) Dan Lish - Egostrip Vol.1 Electronic Sound magazine Decorum - Jonathan Hickman & Mike Huddleston (Image) John Higgs - Stranger Than We Can Imagine Simon Halfon - Cover To Cover (Nemperor)

Very few exhibitions or shows this year for obvious reasons

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#JG Thirlwell #playlist #Drew Daniel #Matmos #the soft pink truth #Sarah Lipstate #noveller #helm #Daniel O’Sullivan #Guapo #Miasma & the Carousel of Headless Horses #This Is Not This Heat #Karl O’Connor #regis #Sacred Bones Records #Caleb Braaten #Charlie Looker #psalm zero #extra life #Chuck Bettis #snake union #Maya Hardinge #BJ Nilsen #Vicki Bennett #people like us #DJ Food #Elliott Sharp

[gerrymike]

OK. commentary on my satg playlist. For reasons

lol it wont let me hyperlink but. https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0w9pMZtOvP0plqdxT665q7?si=wEFnvdh3Rjaa0p2UX251mQ&dl_branch=1 Plug

1. PIEDMONT (DESTROY BOYS)

Looks like I'm late for the party Everyone knows the attire but me Glass walls separate us Catch a glimpse into different books On different shelves

i.e. teen crisis where u want desperately to live the same life as ppl on the street but also can’t imagine anything worse

2. SWEET ADELINE (ELLIOTT SMITH)

It's a picture-perfect evening and I'm staring down the sun Fully loaded, deaf and dumb and done Waiting for sedation to disconnect my head Or any situation where I'm better off than dead

i.e. she’s alive! is that worse or better. also jfc, you fucking hate hospitals

3. ALAMEDA (ELLIOTT SMITH)

You walk down Alameda  Shuffling your deck of trick cards over everyone Like some precious only son Face down, bow to the champion

also

Walk down Alameda  Brushing off the nightmares you wish Could plague me when I'm awake And now you see your first mistake  Was thinking that you could relate For one or two minutes she liked you But the fix is in

i.e. oops it’s two elliotts in a row, sorry. just. about the connection you can form with someone given just a short period of time, and how sometimes it gets ruined by, like, a werewolf. pretty similar to sweet adeline. mx weisglass gets two songs. plus “precious only son” 😬 “shuffling your deck of trick cards” 😬

4. CAN I PLAY WITH MADNESS (IRON MAIDEN)

Give me the sense to wonder To wonder if I'm free Give me a sense of wonder To know I can be me Give me the strength to hold my head up Spit back in their face

i.e. for Me mostly because i think the whiplash from elliott to maiden is kinda funny. also the gerry VS twisty animosity, in over-the-top wizardy terms. sometimes you are full of hate and that’s OK 😬 

5. ICU (PHOEBE BRIDGERS)

If you're a work of art I'm standing too close I can see the brush strokes I hate your mom I hate it when she opens her mouth It's amazing to me How much you can say When you don't know  What you're talking about

and

I'll climb through the window again But right now it feels good not to stand Then I'll leave it wide open Let the dystopian morning light pour in

i.e. we’re back in london…and, well, yeah. also, song title! we’re still in sacramento, actually, spiritually, at this point in the story

6. CRY FOR JUDAS (THE MOUNTAIN GOATS)

Feel the storm every night Hope it passes by Hallucinate a shady grove where Judas went to die Unfurl the black velvet altar cloth Draw a white chalk Baphomet Mistreat your altar boys long enough and this is what you get

i.e. crew. i think about him

7. IRIS (THE GOO GOO DOLLS)

And all I can taste is this moment And all I can breathe is your life And sooner or later, it's over I just don't wanna miss you tonight

plus

And I don't want the world to see me 'Cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am

i.e. OK. OK. OK. yeah, OK. damn right all you can taste is this moment…yeah OK. SONGS5

8. KILL ALL YOUR FRIENDS (MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE)

It's been 8 bitter years since I've been seeing your face And you're walking away And I will die in this place

to

It's been 10 fucking years since I've been seeing your face round here And you're walking away And I will drown in the fear

i.e. ah…the lyrical differences in the chorus…yes…also i love how raucous this song is despite what it’s about. it’s got satg energy!!! “seeing your face”, of course, is not literal 😬

9. ENCHANTING GHOST (SUFJAN STEVENS)

Don't carry on carrying efforts, oh no, oh oh oh oh Somewhere there's a room for each of us to grow And if it pleases you to leave me, just go, oh oh oh oh Stopping you would stifle your enchanting ghost

and

Did you cut your hands on me? Are my edges sharp? Am I a pest to feed?

i.e. 😬😬😬

10. PAUL (BIG THIEF)

In the blossom of the months I was sure that I'd get driven off with thought So I swallowed all of it As I realized there was no one  Who could kiss away my shit

and PARTICULARLY

Well Paul, I know you said That you'd take me any way I came or went But I'll push you from my brain See, you're gentle baby I couldn't stay, I'd only bring you pain

i.e. HARROWING TERRITORY!!!

11. PITSELEH (ELLIOTT SMITH)

I'll tell you why I Don't wanna know where you are I gotta joke I've been dying to tell you

i.e. sorry. a lot of elliott smith on this playlist. thems the breaks

12. OPHELIA (THE LUMINEERS)

Oh, Ophelia You've been on my mind girl like a drug Oh, Ophelia Heaven help a fool who falls in love

i.e. callbacks to SONGS5…! and more pain

13. CLOUDS (BORNS)

I forget all my dreams I forget everyones name I meet I forget about time and space But I can't stop thinking 'bout your face

i.e. tfw your memory’s shit and also you just threw yourself into the sky and you’re still not over it. yowch!

14. ARCADE (DUNCAN LAWRENCE)

Oh, oh-oh-oh oh Oh, oh-oh-oh, oh All I know, all I know Loving you is a losing game

i.e. sorry i heard this song first in a c#tradora edit and i have never recovered.

15. WARS (OF MONSTERS AND MEN)

Yeah, I love you on the weekends But I'm careless and I'm wicked Yeah, I love you on the weekends It's a cruel war I still have pieces of you stuck on me Pieces of you stuck on me Yeah, I love you on the weekends It's a cruel war

i.e. PIECES OF YOU STUCK ON ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is the only song of the new omam i’ve heard. i never got around to listening to it. but this one slaps

16. MONTERO (LIL NAS X)

Lookin' at the table, all I see is weed and white Baby, you livin' the life, but baby, you ain't livin' right Cocaine and drinkin' with your friends You live in the dark, boy, I cannot pretend

AND

A sign of the times every time that I speak A dime and a nine, it was mine every week What a time, an incline, God was shinin' on me Now I can't leave And now I'm actin' hella elite

AND ESPECIALLY

I want that jet lag from fuckin' and flyin'

i.e. God i love this song. re: avatarhood. YOU CAN’T LEAVE!!! not saying it’s like being a celebrity, but it’s like being a celebrity. dual perspectives here with G + his morality regarding the person he loves being, uh, evil? (you live in the dark / i cannot pretend) and M + debt he owes to his god, erosion of his own morals. also, SHEER F*CKING VIBES

17. GEYSER (MITSKI)

You're my number one You're the one I want And you've turned down Every hand that has beckoned me to come

i.e. love songs that serve double as to your god and to your lover

18. THAT’S WHAT I LIKE (BRUNO MARS)

Jump in the Cadillac (Girl, let's put some miles on it) Anything you want (Just to put a smile on it) You deserve it baby, you deserve it all

i.e. this song is here because i say so. a real “sorry it’s been seven years let me make it up to you” vibe

19. RUN AWAY WITH ME (SUFJAN STEVENS)

And I say, love Come run away with me Sweet, falling remedy Come run away with me

i.e. more grand ridiculous propositions. more to come. but they’re born out of a real frustration with the situation at hand! it sucks! also, “falling remedy”,

20. LET’S GET MARRIED (BLEACHERS)

I'm gonna get right for you, honey I'll take all of my medicine, spend you all my money, yeah I know it's hard enough to love me But I woke up in a safe house singing, "Honey, let's get married"

i.e. bro.

21. I WILL (MITSKI)

And while you sleep I'll be scared So by the time you wake I'll be brave

i.e. a lot of these here are self explanatory..

22. ME & MY DOG (BOYGENIUS)

I had a fever Until I met you Now you make me cool

also

I never said I'd be all right Just thought I could hold myself together But I couldn't breathe, I went outside Don't know why I thought it'd be any better I'm fine now, it doesn't matter

i.e. title is significant. and yeah. just. recovery’s tricky

23. I FOUND (AMBER RUN)

And I've moved further than I thought I could But I missed you more than I thought I would

i.e. this is like a staple song for like. basically. any pairing. but i’m pathetic and it gets me every time. there’s something about it. not sure if i’m going to leave it on this playlist but. hm. yeah

OK that’s a wrap. highly likely i’ll put more songs on this as i go

#talk #i wrote this post instead of working. yay me

[boymeetsparadise]

masterlist

Mentions and contains: female reader x Kim Seokjin, fluff, !angst!, arranged marriage! au, break ups and running away, lying, betrayal, anxiety, language, pregnancy and children, vomit, infidelity suggestion, TINY suggestion at mature content

Word count: 7k

an: this took a while and lots of editing. italics are the memories or the flashbacks, whatever you'd like to call em. i’m always gonna find things to fix here and there but for now, enjoy. ALSO special thanks to my friend (S) for proofreading and being a great supporter, ily <3 lemme know your thoughts! requests are open but slow!

songs listened to while writing:

~someone new- banks

~mystery of love-sufjan stevens

~ TTU x young and beautiful. listen to the beautiful work here

this came up on my recommendations and I immediately fell in love.

“What are you here?” Confusion and hurt evident as his brows furrowed.

The former lovers stood face to face, away from sight in a small nook of a garden. On a warm spring afternoon, the flowers had bloomed and birds chirped. Far up ahead was the arriving crowd, waiting to celebrate the sight of a couple coming together; for in sickness and in health, for better or for worse… for life.

“You know me,” You let out a shaky chuckle, trying to calm your nerves. “I never think things through and maybe it was a mistake but, “But I wanted to see you one last time. One last time before I leave.”

Seokjin stared back, chest feeling heavy at your words. “Going where?’

“Somewhere,” You bit the inside of your cheek, refusing to make eye contact with the man you once loved.

“Do you think we’ll be together forever?” Curiosity got the best of you as you tried to take a bite of your ice cream. The two of you sat on the cool grass under the night sky as civilians strolled down the pavement, taking in the cool summer breeze.

“I don’t see why not.” Seokjin smiled as he looked down next to him, taking in the sight of his lover staring off into the river that was just up ahead. “I love you and you love me right?” He raised a knowing brow just in time to see you smile to yourself. “I’m guessing that's all we need baby.”

“I suppose so.” You agreed with a simple shrug. “To be quite honest, I’m really looking forward to it.”

Seokjin hummed as he mimicked your nod, butterflies swarming his stomach and cheeks growing warm, he wrapped an arm around your shoulder- pulling you closer with a relaxed sigh.

“I can’t wait till we have a home to call our own, I can see it now.”

“Oh really?” His head peeked with interest, “And what do you see with this home?”

Your cheeks took on his favorite color on you: red.

“I see this cozy home, nothing too big or too small y'know?” prompting Seokjin to hum in understandment.

“You want kids right?’ You shyly asked. They have been warily brought up as the relationship grew and grew, possibilities were endless for a young couple in love.

“That I do!” Seokjin chuckled with a nod. “I want as many as you do.”

“Even if it’s 500 kids?” You teased with a giggle.

Seokjin took this as his opportunity to tease you back.“You could ask for two or 3 billion, either way I wont be able to complain about that process now would I?”

“Stop that!” You blushed as you playfully slapped his shoulder. You leaned in to hide in his embrace, all while his chest vibrated with your favorite sound- his laughter. “What if someone hears you?”

“Not like they don’t know the process.” He smirked, enjoying how easy it was to playfully fluster his love.

“Ok” You plowed through- fixing your hair, trying to ignore the heat that spread across your cheeks. “Kids, maybe a dog too.” You smiled again. “I’d wake up early to make us breakfast, you know how much I love to make breakfast.”

Seokjin nodded.

“We’d go to work and come back just in time to make dinner together. Imagine when we start a family: relaxed mornings and fun dinners. Oh and the traditions we could start!” You jumped up just a bit from your seat, clearly excited.

“Like?” He raised his eyebrows.

You let your joy speak for you. Husband and wife. You’d live in a cozy home. Nothing too big or too small. The weekends were your favorites. Saturdays meant breakfast on the couch as you let the childhood favorites play on the tv, relaxing after a tiring week. Sundays was an extension and you loved going to the grocery store with him, taking turns every time pushing each other as one sat in the cart. That was something you’d continue until it was no longer possible.

You thought that as you got older your work schedules will allow more designated time together. Coming home around the same time to prepare dinner and stroll around the neighborhood as a couple. Holidays spent in a place you could grow out into and call your own. A safe place of love.

You talked more about a family. Making him chuckle as you already knew he’d be extra careful and baby proof your home before the child was even born. The joy of decorating a nursery and waiting for the first signs of an active baby. Late nights cuddled on the couch and reaching for his hand when the little bundle decided to start kicking, joking about how your baby was already as hyperactive like their father.

You rambled on about how you could wait till it was your first christmas as a family, a tiny bundle of love that was the perfect mixture of their parents. You imagined tiny hands clapping as flour created small clouds, chubby fingers reaching to squish the cookie dough, making a mess. The way you’d be holding his hand as you see them opening their first gift, excited for their reaction, despite not understanding and finding everything oh so amusing.

First steps on the living room as the two of you cheer and clap. Trips to his uncle’s strawberry farm. A toddler perched on his lap as he taught em the art of online gaming.

Seokjin mentioned he was looking forward to the day he has to scrub off scribbled crayon from the walls and the way his back won’t be the same after endless piggy-back rides but it would all be with love.

He shook his head with a chuckle at the mention of his dad jokes holding more meaning.

Birthday parties in the backyard surrounded by the people you love most. You were grateful for the friends you both made, excited for the future. You had no doubts your child(ren) would be surrounded by the best people...by love.

The rest of your lives would be spent in harmony. You imagined sending your children away to college and the world. Warm afternoons spent in the park and summer nights on the balcony reminiscing over the most embarrassing moments of when you first started dating. Laughing when bringing up past holidays. Slow dancing in the living room and late night talks in the dark.

A beautiful rollercoaster you’d ride over and over until your last breath.

Seokjin was ready for it all. The laughs, the cries. In his mind, it was everything he ever wanted and envisioned the moment he realised you were the one. He’d follow you to the ends of the earth and defy all odds, knowing what you two had would break all chains.

“You know it doesn't have to be this way right?” Seokjin whispered.

“Like what?” You focused your attention on a random flower bush even though you very well knew what he was referring to.

“I don’t have to go through with this. You don't have to go through with this.” He began to softly plead. It’s been such a long time since he has seen you, heard your voice, looked into your eyes. He’d spend his last breath begging for you.

With a sigh you reminded him with a soft voice. “We do Seokjin.”

“[Y/N]” He took a step towards you, your body taking you a step backwards as he stretched out his hand.

“Don’t come near me please.” You spoke in a broken whisper. You knew if he stepped any closer all will would be lost and you’d fall into his arms. Today wasn’t the day. That day will never come again.

“Please look at me.” His voice cracked. “I missed looking into your eyes so much, please”

A silence followed as the two of you stood in the garden. His hand was still reaching out for you as you held yourself, too afraid to reach out.

“Are you busy tonight?” Seokjin had his phone pressed to his ear by his shoulder as his hands flipped through endless hangers.

“Depends on what.” You responded as you laid back onto your bed. You had just started packing, school had ended and you finally found a nice cozy place to rent with some of your friends.

“Come with me to a family event please?’ Seokjin asked as he began to hold shirts up to his chest in the mirror, sighing in discontent and picking up another. “I’d feel much better if you were by my side.”

He nervously bit his cheek, as he paced between bed and mirror, glancing at the time. He would rather much ask to hang out with you and go somewhere he’d actually enjoy. Something he thought would be worth the effort.

“What are they making you do this time?” you let out a small chuckle, understanding his tone. He was never really fond of these events. He loved his family but sometimes, it seemed their intentions were different from his and it was best to stay apart when possible but tonight- seemed unlikely.

“Some stupid dinner between families and companies.” He muttered with a roll of his eyes.

“Sounds exciting.” You giggled, “Business talk is the best talk huh?”

“Oh but of course. Old men in suits talking about stupid numbers between this place and that. Terminology I can’t even begin to be bothered to learn. Not like my mother and her friends help make these events any better.” Seokjin was sure that if he rolled his eyes any harder they would roll right out of his skull. “So what do you say [Y/N]?”

“What time?”

“Six.” He jumped up from the edge of his bed, spotting the perfect button up. He knew that once you asked for time, you were on his side.

“M’kay. I’ll be waiting.”

“Love you.’ Seokjin smiled to no one but himself.

“Love you too.” You returned it before jumping out of bed, the shower calling your name. “Now go get handsome!”

That evening started out like any other, Seokjin’s hand on the small of your back as he guided you through the stuffed room.

Music played and all around were some of the most powerful business people in the country, along with their families. For a business dinner it seemed like just a normal celebration of some sort, laughter and screams all around, despite everyone being worth a couple million dollars of course.

Seokjin stayed by your side for most of the night: arm around your shoulders, hand on your back, arm in arm or hands intertwined. He knew you weren’t used to this type of scene but also for the sake of his own comfort, being able to put up with it all as long as he stayed by your side, the closest thing to peace he had.

“Seokjin” His father grinned as he made his way over to the table you sat at. Seokjin played around your hands on the table as you both mindlessly talked about what you wanted to do the next morning.

“Father.” Seokjin nodded with a grin as his father’s hands were on the back of your chairs.

“Hello [Y/N]!” He gave you a friendly smile, the lights giving away his tipsy state, it was nice to see him enjoying himself. With a nod, he continued to speak. “You look lovely. Are you two having fun? Isn’t it lovely?”

“It’s great father.” Seokjin spoke for you before you could even open your mouth to respond.

“I have some important people I want you to meet Seokjin.” His father grabbed his shoulder, gesturing to the small group of older men just up ahead. “Get to know before you take over, yeah?” His father suggested as he began to pull him up from his seat.

Seokjin began to stutter protests, he had no interest in his father’s business. He never had the slightest desire to take over one day and therefore tried his hardest to stay away unless an occasion called for the entire family for representation.

“I’m sure [Y/N] doesn’t mind. Do you?” Mr. Seokjin raised a suggestive brow. You simply nodded and let go of Seokjin’s hand, agreeing.

“It’s okay. Just do him this quick thing okay?” You have Seokjin a loving grin as he shook his head, dreading the conversations that awaited him.

“I’ll be back quickly okay?” He placed a gentle hand on the top of your head as his father held his arm, waiting to pull him away. “Just stay here and wait.”

“I promise” You let out a small giggle, “Now go before you lose an arm.” You teased.

With a hesitant face Seokjin let himself be dragged away, the loud chatter and music made it difficult to hear your own thoughts as the amount of people suddenly felt like too much. You tried to look across the room to the glass door that led out to the balcony you hung out earlier when you first arrived, surely he’d understand if he found you there on your own. You sat and mindlessly looked around, waiting for an opportunity to get up and move.

Seokjin forced a tight lipped grin as the older men laughed and took turns to pat his shoulder and back. His father beamed about his youngest son’s most recent accomplishments: had just graduated college; top of his class, bought a new car and was planning on moving out very soon after he had just scored a very well paying job.

“Who was the pretty lady by your side Mr.Seokjin?” Seokjin looked over to his right at the first nudge to his side, a grey haired man in a suit raised a suggestive brow as Seokjin looked at him in confusion. Was he referring to you? But of course as he hadn’t left your side all night.

“Is she single?” Another asked with a wink and chuckle as the other men began to tease, wondering if she came from a successful family, making sly suggestions of young promising sons and nephews who would more than likely love an opportunity to swoon her over and welcome them into their respective families.

Seokjin was having none of it, trying to deny all advancements as nonchalantly as he could as he scanned the room for you. His eyes landed on you as you stared off into your own little world and smiled to himself, you looked adorable in his eyes.

“She’s my son’s ex-girlfriend, best friends since childhood.” His father interrupted as he swung an arm around his son’s shoulder. “They were together in highschool but she's been so supportive of his engagement to lovely Gaeon, I’m so happy she’s here tonight!” He threw his head back, taking a large sip of the beer in his hand.

Seokjin froze at the mention of his ‘engagement’. He had never proposed in the first place, it was more of a forced marriage between their families. Sure Gaeon was a nice girl but he could never see himself falling in love with her. She felt the same way, the only difference is she saw this as a business deal and nothing more, refusing to bring shame to her family. Seokjin on the other hand, thought of it as cruel and unfair, remembering the day his fate was decided.

He was sixteen and ecstatic. He had walked home with a hop in his step afterschool, thanking his stars for the boldness from earlier in the day. You had been his best friend since you were kids, the teacher had sat you two next to one another, hoping maybe the two quietest kids would open up to each other. She was right and it resulted in a beautiful friendship that lasted all the way into highschool. He was your right hand and you were his, a dynamic duo that was known across the school over the years. You had outgrown the extremely timid nature and had a steady group of friends. It didn’t take long for Seokjin to realize his feelings. You were always a flushing mess around your best friend, hardly realizing he was the same way around you, crushes that grew as time went by.

Earlier in the school day, he was leaned up against the lockers, arms crossed. He made conversation with shaky hands, waiting for you to finish up whatever you were doing in your locker, ready to walk with you like he did with your other classes, whether you had them together not. It was lunchtime so there was no rush as your group of friends sat at your usual table. They were all aware of the unspoken feelings between you two, silently rooting him on as they hoped today would be the day.

With red ears and cheeks he nervously suggested that your usual weekend hangout would mean something more, if you wanted it to of course. You had slammed the metal door in shock, causing the hallways to go silent in sudden shock.

“Wait are you serious?’” You hesitantly asked, causing Seokjin to freeze. Was this a possible rejection? He gulped with a nod and quickly muttered a ‘yes’. With apologies to those around you, you shyly agreed. Two reddened teenagers hugged in glee, he couldn't believe he had finally done it.

He remembers how your friends like Jimin and Jungkook couldn't stop teasing him.

“About time hyung!” He slapped his older friend on the back. “Now when's the wedding?”

“Shut up, it’s just a date.”

“You say that as if you wouldn’t marry her one day.” Jungkook stepped in.

“Exactly.” Jimin smirked, causing Seokjin to blush and chuckle- focusing back onto his schoolwork.

He couldn’t wait till the weekend. Seokjin couldn’t help but think it was the start of something beautiful, as he made his way through the home, throwing himself onto the couch and looking up at the ceiling with a sigh.

“Had a good day at school boy?” His father walked into the living room with a smile as Seokjin sat up, fixing his now messy hair.

“Yep!” He smiled as he began to collect his things, ready to freshen up before dinner before stopping by the staircase at the mention of his name.

“Wear something nice.” His father, Mr. Kim grinned. Seokjin raised a confused brow as his father continued, “Exciting news to share with you at dinner.”

As his father made his way into another hall in the house, Seokjin thought for a moment, shrugging to himself before heading to his room. It wasn’t anyone's birthday or anniversary, no other occasions came to mind. He figured his dad had probably struck another successful business deal.

Seokjin was dead wrong as he had stormed out of his house during dinner later that night. His mother dismissed his actions as childish, claiming he had to show appreciation at the fact that one day he would be set for life and helping his future partner do the same.

“That kind of stuff only happens in movies.” Seokjin scoffed with a chuckle as he stuffed a forkful of food into his mouth. “Anyways great dinner mom.” He said with stuffed cheeks, picking up more food.

“Think about it Seokjin.” She gave him a smile as she reached across the table to hold his hand. “It’s not like you have a girlfriend or something. Plenty of time to establish a relationship with the Choi’s.” She dismissed her son’s stare with a small wave.

“I just asked [Y/N] to a date on saturday, sorry.” He shrugged, growing annoyed at his mother's suggestion.

“Well, cancel it.” His father chimed in. Seokjin hushed as he blinked a few times- taking in the reality of the situation. “You’re going to be preparing as we invited the Choi’s over for Sunday dinner.”

“Sorry, I have plans.” Seokjin was stubborn. Surely they had to be joking despite the annoyed serious looks spread across their faces.

“Son,” His mother sighed tirelessly as she rubbed her temples. “Think about it. It’s a great opportunity. A beautiful girl from a nice family, nice background, you have plenty of time to fall in love and you’d never have to worry about any setbacks.”

“What if the setback is that I don’t want it?” He spat as he pushed out his chair. He wiped his mouth before throwing the napkin on his plate, their eyes following. “I’ve had enough food for today, thanks for the meal mother.” He said as he stormed out of the house.

The Kim’s sighed into their hands, he’d come around one day.

The day never came.

And as the years went by, your relationship grew. You made plans for a future, never having the slightest clue of his secret. Everytime his parents mentioned it he brushed them off as a joke. He dreaded every interaction between his family and the Choi’s. At one point feeling pity for the young girl his age. How on earth was he supposed to crush his parents' joy without sadness? Of course he loved them but he always felt in control of his life. An arranged marriage was not in his plan, not in lifetime, in this century. Not when he was so desperately in love with you, [Y/N L/N].

His parents soon grew fed up with his resistance, prompting him to start keeping your relationship a secret from them, having them believe he had finally grown up and was taking this whole setup seriously. To him it didn’t matter. Soon he’d graduate from college and move out, maybe cut off all communication from his family and live how he wanted.

Soon enough the reality of everything kicked in. Coming home after your fourth anniversary only to find Mrs. Choi and his mother next to one another on the couch as Gaeon sat on the couch opposite of them, bridal magazines and fabric samples spread across the coffee table.

Seokjin felt as if the room was closing in on him; a planner with phone numbers and addresses to boutiques and bakeries of the sort, possible ceremony dates, a list written all over the lines of the book.

He was even more determined to get out of his home and away from this mess.

“Have you said hi to your fiance yet?” his dad asked, snapping him out of his thoughts. Seokjin made a face, he had no idea the Choi’s were even in the venue, not a single sight of them the entire night.

“What a wonderful night for a celebration!” Another man yelled as a waiter with a tray of shot glasses passed by the group. Drinks were passed around as Seokjin held his shot close, looking around the room trying to identify any of the Choi’s in the room.

The small group cheered as they threw back their drinks with a pucker, congratulating the family.

Seokjin’s eyes widened, everything started to add up and soon enough panic kicked in. This wasn’t some sort of fun business party... This was an engagement celebration. With desperate eyes he looked around the room, spotting the senior Chois but Goean was nowhere in sight.

A sudden wave of heat washed over him as he heard a muffled tap and a chirp of a mic. Almost immediately the room had gone quiet, rising to their feet as they looked in the direction of the sound, Mrs. Kim stood with a proud smile at the front of the room. The Chois made their way to the front as Gaeon finally made her appearance, pulling away from the crowd.

Seokjin stood on his toes, using the shoulders around him as extra support, trying to catch a sight of you before it was too late. He had to get out of here and fast. ‘Fuck!’ He thought as sweat began to make it way down his forehead. “How the fuck do I get out of here?” He asked himself.

“You alright son?” His uncle pulled him close, noticing the way Seokjin’s face fell.

“I think I’m gonna pass out.” Seokjin confessed, using the sleeve of his grey blazer to wipe his forehead.

“It’s alright Seokjin” His uncle tried to cheer him up, suggesting it was probably just the butterflies of love as Seokjin shook him off. He began to mumble excuses as he faced the floor, pushing his way through the crowded room. For a large room, it felt like it was suddenly closing in, did more people arrive?

“I am so overjoyed as you could all join us tonight!” His mother stood at the front of the room, his father suddenly at her side, cheeks flushed from the alcohol.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” Seokjin bit his lip, pain feeling like a pinch due to how uneasy he felt. He continued to push through with you on his mind. He looked over to the exit, making a plan but shock grew as he spotted your group of friends come in.

What the hell did his mother do.

Taehyung and Namjoon spotted their hyung and waved with smiles. The other boys shot him a thumbs up, eyes focusing on his mother up front.

You stood with a smile, trying to get a clear view of his family, noticing he was nowhere to be seen. You were confused but shook your head, why didn’t he tell you tonight was a celebration? You guessed that his family, along with the one next to his had struck some sort of fantastic deal. Seokjin didn’t give much detail about tonight but his family had always been successful in the world of business.

You turned to look around the room and spotted your friends. You’d thought it’d just be you and Seokjin but you were ecstatic that your friends were invited. Perhaps he did it to feel more comfortable. Perhaps the news was so grand it had to be celebrated with everyone.

“I’m sure you all know why we are here.” His mother giggled, beyond proud of her family. “First I’d like to give the ever-so-great Chois a warm welcome!” The room exploded with applause.

You clapped along.

“Second and most importantly,” Mrs. Kim took a deep breath, “We are here to celebrate the wonderful engagement of my son and the only Choi daughter.”

Again you clapped along, but this time with a confused face, you haven't seen Seokjin’s older brother around but guessed he was probably around here somewhere.

It seemed it all happened in slow motion.

After so many pushes, Seokjin finally had a clear view of you, cupping his hands over his mouth.

“[Y/N]!” He waved his hand frantically, praying you’d see him.

“Will you do the honors Mrs. Choi?” Mrs.Kim placed a soft hand on the woman’s back as she took the mic, giving her the audience’s attention.

“I’m so honored and pleased to announce that after all these marvelous years- the engagement of my lovely daughter Miss. Choi Goean and Kim Seokjin. The wedding is next year and we hope to see you there!”

His friends gasped, Jungkook started choking on the cupcake he had picked up from the desert table as Hoseok rushed to and back with a cup of water.

Seokjin tried calling out to you again, failing, the crowd erupting with cheers. Like in the movies, your face suddenly changed into one of shock and then hurt. You felt as if you had just been dunked into ice cold water and time had slowed down.

‘The engagement of who?’ you thought.

With teary eyes, Seokjin finally made eye contact with you, eyes growing wide once again as he saw your expression.

It was unreadable but it was an image that would haunt him forever. You felt shortness of breath kick in, your stomach in the depths of your gut. You were surprised to find that your legs didn’t give in as you jumped out of your seat, desperate for the exit.

Seokjin lunged himself forward but was too late, missing the near grasp of your wrist as you pushed your way through the crowd.

“[Y/N]” Namjoon called out to you as they waited by the exit, “What's going on?”

“Are you okay?” Jimin asked as he softly held your shoulders. The boys and your best friend looked at you with a concerned confusion. Surely it was some sort of mistake or joke.. Right?

“[Y/N]?” Your best friend waved her hand in front of your eyes; nothing.

“[Y/N]! Wait!’ you recognized his voice and snapped back into reality.

You ran.

You ran and didn’t look back.

Ran as fast as your feet would carry you before they gave out. Your surroundings became blurry with tears threatening to spill and your hearing became muffled.

Luckily the building wasn’t too tall and you weren't as high up, ditching the elevator as you stomped your way down, running out into the busy streets.

You had to get out of here.

The sounds of cars and people passing by blocked out any voiced attempts made by Seokjin as he followed you down the street once he spotted the color of the dress you were wearing.

“[Y/N]!” He cupped his hands over his mouth once again, panting. “Stop for a second!” He leaned, palms on his knees- surprised your heels could carry you so far. With you on his mind he didn’t hear the fast steps of your friends chasing after you two.

He called out again as you turned a corner. Tears clouded your vision as they ran down your cheeks, the lights looked like blobs as your legs suddenly felt like jelly.

You sobbed into your arm, running into an alley. Dimly lit by a few spare lights, you felt your stomach come back up your throat. ‘God this feels like some sick joke.’ You didn’t have time to take another breath as you started to retch, hands against the wall before you.

Seokjin finally managed to catch up and carefully made his way over, trying to control his speeding heart. His heart- broken at the sight of you bent over, heaving. He began to hold your hair, the spare hair-tie he held for you on his wrist because you always complained about it making you hot, ready.

“Don’t.” You rolled your shoulders back, shrugging him off as you wiped your lips. “Don’t touch me, Kim Seokjin.”

Seokjin grimaced at the use of his full name, the way your voice was laced with hurt.

“Listen [Y/N]-” He began to stutter as you shook your head.

“Tell me this is some sort of joke.” You spat as you turned around to face him.

“I-”

Your friends caught up, Jungkook being a fast runner, lead. But as the scene unfolded he shushed his friends and ushered them into a nearby cafe, giving space.

“Say they fucked up and meant your brother. Tell me you're not really about to get married to someone else when you haven't even proposed let alone broken up with me Kim seokjin. Say it.”

“[Y/N] please listen to me.” He reached for your hands, shaking.

“Say it Kim Seokjin.” You pulled away. “Say it!” you challenged him.

Seokjin stayed silent as you stared at him, hot tears threatening to spill once again.

“Why aren’t you saying it?” You broke down again as your lip quivered. “Say it Jinnie! Say it!”

“I- They- Fuck.” He bit his lip so hard he tasted blood.

“She said years. How long Kim?”

“Listen to me-”

“Seokjin-”

“Just-”

“Seokjin.’ You sternly said, wiping tears away. He let out a sigh as his head fell.

“5 years.” He confessed, fresh tears rolling down his face.

“We’ve been together for almost 5 years Seokjin…” You hiccuped. “Jinnie-”

“I’m sorry!’ He sobbed at the use of his nickname again, the way you said it reminding him of a broken record. One he never intended to break. “Please just hear me out!” He pleaded, stepping closer, but with each step forward you took another back.

“Why didn't you tell me? How could you?”

“I didn’t have a choice, I never thought they were serious! But I will always choose you [Y/N]. It has always been you. Please just listen to me.”

“I can’t do this Seokjin. I don’t deserve this at all.” Angrily wiping your tears you turned around, feeling his hand grab onto your wrist.

“Please just give me time to explain and then you’ll understand. I thought this was some sort of sick joke too but baby please.” He tried to reason through his sobs. He knew he fucked up in not telling you and perhaps it was too late to even try to reason but he was gonna fight tooth and nail for the thing that meant most.

“Please don’t call me that again. Don’t look for me. I’m sorry Seokjin but this is goodbye.” Harshly yanking your wrist, you ran out of the alley and into the busy streets once again. Seokjin chocked through his sobs, snapping back into reality to try and chase after you but as soon as he left the alley- you were gone. He leaned against the cold, dirty wall, sobbing into his hands as his knees gave in.

He heard the soft steps, black dress shoes before him. He had been faced with his friends, [Y/B/F] was crying also as Yoongi laid a comforting hand on her back, her heart breaking at the sobs her friend had let out.

He knew he had a lot of explaining to do to his friends but most importantly you.

Almost a year later and you didn’t think you’d be searching for him.

“We can run away.” and for the first time that afternoon you looked up at him in confusion. “Say you’ll run away with me [Y/N]. We still have time. I can get us out of here and to some place far far away.” He began to let a couple tears fall, desperate to convince you.

A fresh wave of emotions hit you as you took in what he had just said. A small weak part of yourself tried to think about it. Running away? On his wedding day?

“We can’t do that Seokjin” You gulped with a sad shake of your head.

“Yes we can!” He interrupted before you could continue. “We don’t need any of this. As long as I have you I’m more than okay.” Once again his voice cracked as a tear rolled down his cheek, wiping it away he took another step. “Just take my hand.”

There was another moment of silence. There was so much you wanted to say before you had even arrived and now standing before the man you loved, everything vanished. Your eyes burned with tears you refused to let go of as your throat ran dry. Seokjin took your silence as a cue to desperately continue.

“I didn’t tell you this at first.” He began, taking a deep breath. “But remember how we wanted to be a family? To live happily ever after?”

You continued to look at him, emotions unreadable.

“I saved up.” Seokjin took another step. “Little by little, I took amounts my parents wouldn’t notice much and saved them into my own secret account.” He confessed as shock ran through your body. “I never mentioned it. The funds are ours. For a home. For a family. I saved up for us. It’s more than enough to get us by for a while. To run away and be happy without all these outside voices. You don’t have to worry about a single thing, all you have to do is take my hand and say you still love me. Please [Y/N].” With the back of his hand he roughly wiped away the free falling tears as the other finally took a grasp of your free hand.

“Why didn’t you tell me this?” You ignored the heat that ran down your spine, the first physical contact you’ve had with Seokjin in months. “Why did you do that?”

“I did it for you. For us.” He licked his lips, throat running dry with pleads. “We don’t have much time, c’mon [Y/N]. We can still make it out of here in time.”

“No Seokjin.” You hiccuped and pulled your hand away.

“What do you mean no?” Shock evident on his face. “Why else would you be here?” His eyebrows furrowed in confusion, eyes scanning over your face looking for any signs of regret.

“I’m sorry it was a mistake.” You bit the inside of your cheek.

“Why did you come here then?” Seokjin challenged as you turned around to face him again. “You can’t expect me to believe me you came here because you don’t love me anymore. You obviously do.”

Seokjin began to grow angry. First he lost control of his own path, second lost the love of his life and now third- she was back but it wasn't for him? Was life really that unfair?

“I don’t want this and I’m sure as hell you don’t want this either.” Seokjin sat across his promised fiance one day, meeting at a cafe.

“You’re right.” She agreed, taking a sip of her coffee.

“Then why go through with this?” Seokjin shook his head. “Let’s tell our parents this is a no-go and you can live your life while I’ll live mine.”

“No.” Goean made no effort to look at him as she brought her napkin to her lips.

“What do you mean no?” Seokjin furrowed his brows. “You literally just agreed with me.”

“I may agree with you,” She paused, taking another sip.

“But..?” Seokjin leaned forward. Of course there was a but.

“My grandfather did not start this empire from the ground up only for it to crumble two generations later. You have love and I have pride Kim.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Seokjin sighed, throwing himself back into his chair, hands on his head.

“I’m very serious.” She was expressionless. “I’d be fine with anyone else, so don’t think this is a name thing. Just so happens your parents suggested my family and mine agreed. No harsh feelings. In fact no feelings at all.” She spat as he scowled.

“So am I.” Seokjin challenged. “I lost the love of my life and I’ll do anything to get her back.”

“Why weren’t you honest with her from the get go?” She tilted her head, taunting him. “Better yet you could’ve run away. My parents would’ve found anyone else.”

“You suggest that now?” He spat in anger.

“Obviously since you didn’t think of it sooner Seokjin.” Goean finished the remainder of her coffee, standing up. “You had years. That was your mistake, not mine. See you later Kim.”

You thought it over for a moment, cowering under his stare.

“I don’t know why.” You confessed, hands behind your back. It was truthful. You really had forgotten why you even came in the first place. At first you thought it was to see him one last time. To wish him well and say goodbye. The closure you needed but was too afraid to get. A needed reality check after running for so long. Something to finally wake you from this nightmare. This is real life whether you liked it or not. Seokjin was off to be a married man and sadly it wasn't you.

“Pathetic.” Seokjin scoffed. “It’s pathetic.”

“Pardon?” You stuttered with wide eyes.

“You don’t get to come here on my supposed happy day and not know why. Tell me the truth.” He spat.

“I’m being honest, Seokjin. Something you never were. I don’t know why I decided on coming here but now I realize how selfish I was. I made a mistake.”

“Why can't you be selfish just this once?” His voice cracked. “I get I messed up, horribly I know. But can’t you see I love you? It has always been you. I’ll always choose you.” Seokjin reasoned.

“Jinnie-” His nickname slipped from your lips as he let out another batch of tears.

“[Y/N] please. It’ll hurt even more to let you go. Stay with me. Run away with me. Choose me.”

“I’m sorry-”

-DING DONG-

The large clock tower let out a large ring as the hand moved into the new hour. Music began to play and only increased in volume. It was time.

“I have to go.” With a sob, you stepped away from Seokjin who stared at you with his jaw dropped. The clock tower let out another chime as his head snapped up at the sound. He uttered a curse word and looked back at you- you had left.

“[Y/N]!” Seokjin’s hand came up to his mouth, an all too familiar feeling. He looked around the garden, spotting the flow of your dress disappear behind a hedge.

His feet carried him, fate gave him another chance and this time he was going to take it.

The clock let out a third chime and he wanted nothing more but to knock it down, shut it up for it reminded him of his mistake. He could still see a soft blurb of color, cursing your speed. Suddenly he found himself in front of a fountain, he reached deep into the garden. He desperately looked for you and broke down when he realized you had slipped away again. Another cursed chime of the clock and he fell to his knees as he kneeled over into the grass, crying into his arms. The fountain disguised his cries and hid yours as you were a few meters away, behind a bushed fence, violently sobbing into your hands.

#bts au #seokjin scenerios #jin x reader #seokjin angst #bts x reader #bts jin #kim seokjin #Kim Seokjin imagine #bts angst #bts fic #bts imagines #Kim Seokjin au #seokjin x reader #Kim Seokjin drabble #Kim Seokjin angst #kim seokjin fanart #bts x oc #bts x y/n #bts fanfic #bts fanfiction #arranged marriage au #break up au #bts #bts rm #bts suga #bts jhope #bts jimin #bts v #bts jungkook #bts imagine

[desertislandcloud]

Ulrik Munther is the first to admit that self-doubt can get the better of him. But you might be daunted too if you were about to release the most honest and thought-provoking work of your career.

At just 27, Munther is already a seasoned artist with years of industry experience. Signed as a teenager to Universal Music in Sweden after winning the prestigious Melody Grand Prix Nordic competition with an original song, he also achieved viral fame with his endearing cover of Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way”. Three albums followed, all charting in the top five in Munther’s home country. “I grew up in the public eye… I was sort of a teen idol,” he says, wincing a little at the term. “I've been seeking an audience that digs a bit deeper into lyrics and has more of the same shared world view.” He adds, laughing: “I want to make new friends!”

Fans of Munther’s old music would have trouble recognising him now. His new album, Put Your Self Out There, is an astounding work that shows a young man grown wise from experience, but one who is still deeply curious about the world. Munther has a philosophical mind. He thrives on ideas, and on a willingness to challenge and be challenged on important subjects. This music shows him standing on the edge, ready to set sail on a new adventure.

“What I want to say most with this music is probably, be yourself and be honest,” he says from his home in Gothenburg. “To think about things a little more.” While he always knew he wanted to create music, his introduction to the industry at such a young age meant that he was, perhaps, steered in a direction that didn’t quite fit. “At that age you’re very impressionable,” he says, nodding. “It’s easier to trust someone older than to trust yourself.” Feeling somewhat jaded, he took a break from his flourishing pop career and began writing with renowned Swedish author and comedian Jonas Gardell. This marked the first step towards the most personal project of his career to date. “I want this album to lay a foundation I can build on,” he says.

Listeners will recognise the clear influence of Bon Iver in the quirky opener, “Apartment Girl”, on which Munther’s voice appears distorted, both youthful and brittle with experience. Album single “C’est La Vie” is an uplifting track that has the narrator pushing aside his fear of the unknown and embracing a newfound optimism: “I’m cleaning out my closet/ Some I’ll keep but some I’ll toss and/ That’s alright you know, gonna have to let things go/ Say goodbye, say hello.” It’s a feeling that Munther knows all too well. “I’m quite introverted, and I have a tendency to get stuck in my own head,” he says. “But if you overthink things too much, you’ll never do anything with your life.”

Put Your Self Out There has, ironically, a distinctly insular feel, providing the sense that Munther has created his own world in which to express himself. Despite this, the music itself is expansive, bringing to mind a landscape painting where, the closer you look, the more detail you discover. This was achieved with the help of a tightknit team that includes producer Johan Eckeborn (known especially for his work on Swedish artist Jonathan Johansson’s critically acclaimed record, En Hand I Himlen). They found themselves discussing philosophy and religion alongside music, and Munther took on new ideas that were fed into these songs. “We’re in a strange climate right now, where we tend to want to find people with the exact same values as us,” he says. “But if you judge others, you judge yourself. That’s something that’s really sunk in, in the last couple of years. I'm trying to be a lot more open-minded, and I think that's what I'm trying to inspire people to be as well.”

Munther’s ability to express himself transpires in his bruised but stoic music; the piercing, emotional tones of his voice are heightened by deftly constructed compositions. “Don’t Worry” opens on a soft flurry of piano notes falling like autumn leaves. You hear the sharp, steady clack of the percussion, a clock hand announcing the inevitable passing of time. An infinitesimal change in tempo marks a resolution to be swept up, as Munther delivers the title in a soaring falsetto then a comforting murmur until it becomes a mantra. “Gloom” is his letter to himself – a disarmingly candid one – in which he questions what’s left once the trappings of fame and fortune are removed. As the song reaches the close, his voice becomes muffled, yet the synths push through, like rays of sunlight breaking through the clouds. “I’ll meet you at the summit,” he promises. “When I’m out of this gloom.”

Throughout the album, Munther reminds us that we can be our own worst critics. Yet he takes his own advice and never obsesses over making this music “perfect” – as a consequence, he achieves something very close to it. The songs are beautiful precisely because of their flaws, recalling the experimental nature of Ben Howard’s most recent, and best, work. Sufjan Stevens fans will revel in the succinctness of Munther’s lyrics, the frankness of his declarations. “It’s not as complicated as I tend to make it,” he sings on the gospel-influenced “Man in Need”, “But I overthink everyf***ing thing.”

“I’m trying to be very honest,” he says. “Not in a dramatic way, but reflective. And I definitely didn’t want the music to sound too polished.” To avoid the risk of overwhelming his audience with such candour, Munther injects a wry tone into some of the songs, such as the self-aware closer, “Come Find Me”. Others are misnomers designed to surprise the listener, or even provoke them into a new way of thinking. The memorably titled “Big Dick” was the last song to be written during sessions at a studio based just outside of Stockholm. Munther found himself on a train observing a man and his girlfriend: “He was a really cocky guy, the crotch-first type, you know?” Rather than mock him, Munther chose instead to pen a tender acoustic number that seeks to understand what some might dismiss as toxic masculinity. “There are too many walls/ And I don’t have the tools or a number you can call,” he sings.

“This song came from the knowledge that there are so many people you can’t reach, you can’t get through to them,” Munther explains. “These people who feel they have to be smart, the ones who place value in material things. They’re often actually very insecure.” At the time, he recalled the saying, “Hurt people hurt people.” He still thinks about it. “People who need to show off, they must be so lonely,” he says. “Not able to be vulnerable, or be wrong.” Watching this man provoked feelings of frustration in Munther, not at the man himself, but at a society that, despite all its modern methods of communication, often fails to do precisely that. As a multilingual musician, Munther knows all too well the frustrations of feeling unable to translate his innermost feelings. Yet he refuses to preach: “I’m so aware that everything I know, I’ve learned from someone else.” The album title is a cliché for a reason, he says, smiling. “I just want to be courageous enough to have hope.” https://twitter.com/MuntherUIrik https://www.youtube.com/user/UlrikMuntherTV https://www.instagram.com/ulrikmunther

#SoundCloud #music #Ulrik Munther #Pop

[zimms]

tagged by @p-otato-s - thank you tingo!!

1. name/nickname: abby

2. gender: uhh, let me get back to you on that, but my pronouns are she/they

3. star sign: taurus (tingo, same hat)

4. height: between 1.65 and 1.7m (or roughly 5″5′)

5. time: it’s 5pm

6. birthday: uhh, i probably won’t publish it here (but mutuals can ask if they want to know)

7. favorite bands/groups: the proclaimers, does the original london cast of amélie count?

8. favorite solo artist: i’ve been listening to a lot of MIKA and sufjan stevens lately

9. song stuck in my head: it’s all coming back to me now by celine dion

10. last movie: soul

11. last show: richard osman’s house of games (bc i’m a game show and quiz fiend)

12: when did i create this blog: october 29th 2020

13. what do i post: mostly omgcp, but occasionally i’ll ramble about other things that fit this blog more than my main (real hockey, women’s football/soccer, comics)

14. last thing googled: how to organise necklaces to stop them tangling together

15. other blogs: @plangentia is the only other one i really use

16. do i get asks: occasionally, but i’ll always welcome more

17. why did i choose this url: i was trying to find an omgcp url that fitted and stumbled across this (vaguely) canon one

18. following: 657

19. followers: 228

20. average hours of sleep: 6 hours (i wish it was more, but i wake up after 6 and a half)

21. lucky number: 8, 64

22. instruments: i played the piano for a while, but i was pretty bad at it. i also have a ukelele but i can play very little on it

23. what am i wearing: jeans and a sweatshirt for a fake archeology site i went to three years ago

24: dream job: an ambassador for some far-flung country in central asia or africa, or anywhere for that matter

25: dream trip: uhh, any?? i’d like to road trip an entire continent at some point or finally doing that european micronation road trip i keep going on about. a more realistic trip is that i’d like to return to finland at some point bc i remember nothing of it. 

26. favorite food: there’s this one chicken burger at this chain of pubs and it’s so good. here’s the description bc i can’t list it all by myself. “Buttermilk fried chicken topped with smoked streaky bacon, American cheese, fried red onion, rocket, tomato, roasted garlic mayo and two hash browns with barbecue sauce”

27. nationality: british, just plain old british

28. favorite song: half-asleep from the amelie uk cast recording (i feel like ii’ve mentioned that a lot)

29. last book read: technically the metamorphoses by ovid, but it doesn’t feel so much like a book, so the aeneid i guess

30. three fictional universes you’d like to live in: omgcp, starter for ten (i guess), and the osemanverse (i say as if i am not already a british grammar school gay)

uhh, tagging @bittysthesis, @backwardscapsmh and @omgchyeahplease, but no pressure to do it bc i know it’s a lot of personal questions

#25 was difficult bc my family managed to do our dream trip back in 2019 #also the fictional universes were Hard to choose #tag game

[respectsuki]

Tag game

tagged by: @allhailthesanders thanks friend!

name/nickname: maria, mary, jo all of these are fine lol

gender: female (she/her)

star sign: libra

height: 158 cm which i think is 5'2" (so i'm even shorter than you gabby haha)

birthday: october 1st

time: 10:40 a.m

favorite bands: oh i don't listen to a lot of bands now that i think about it. the current ones i enjoy listening to are ajr, bleachers, amber run and sleeping at last

favorite solo artist: so many. i love hozier, taylor swift, lorde, ben platt, su lee, sufjan stevens, dodie and many more

song currently stuck in my head: no body no crime (this masterpiece by taylor swift lives in my head rent free)

last movie: kiki's delivery service

last show: i started watching doctor who again. i'm currently on season 6

when did i create this blog: i honestly can not remember but probably around 2014

what do i post: whatever i'm interested in at the moment. shows, movies, some textposts about my life

last thing i googled: i deactivated the function that allows google to save my searches so i don't know haha

other blogs: @jocoffeeandbooks which is ny studyblr

why i chose my url: because i love suki and she deserves respect and appreaciation

following: 1020 although at this point a lot of them are not active anymore

followers: 232

average hours of sleep: at the moment around 7, but when i'm not on holidays it's more around 6

lucky number: i don't have one

instruments: i don't play any but my favorite instrument is the violin

what am i wearing: blue shorts and a striped pink t shirt

dream job: (romantically) having my own bookshop, (realistically) doing research in social psychology and working with social projects

dream trip: anywhere tbh but for some reason i really wanna visit canada

favorite food: pie, any kind of pie

ethnicity: i'm latinamerican

favorite song: currently i'll just dance by su lee, i'll be good by james young, shrike, no plan and work song by hozier, maniac by conan gray

last book read: sense and sensibility by jane asuten

top 3 fictional universes i'd like to live in: i would love to live in stars hollow tbh, also ingary (the kingdom i guess where howl's moving castle takes place), and probably atla universe minus the war obviously

Thanks gabby for tagging me!! Sorry it took me a while to get to it :)

#tag game

[draco-is-gay]

Types of Ravenclaws

The procrastinator

terrible at theory but the best at practical material

doesn’t do shit in class but somehow does really well on tests

lowkey stressed about their grades but studying also makes them stressed

they’re just always stressed

reads to forget about their problems but then finishes the book and feels worse

The minimalist

kinda bad at school but takes really good notes

goody two shoes

very posh™ clothing style

has those wire glasses but has 20/20 vision

always eats breakfast

The conspiracy theorist

sleep? idk her

sugar coffee sugar sugar c a f f e i n e

conspiracy theories

aggresive peace signs

either super bubbly or super tired

The hardcore

cries during every music theory class and test but lowkey loves them

don’t fuck with them they will engage in a full fledge debate, even running on two hours of sleep (especially running on two hours of sleep)

excels at presentations, great public speaker, very sociable™

highkey competitive

has way too many friends and can never find time to hang out with all of them because they’re always busy

The researcher

alchemy theory makes them n u t

researches dark arts and torture methods for funsies and because they find it interesting

loves brain teasers

is probably subscribed to brilliant even though their riddles are “too easy” but ofc they watch their videos anyways

wants to learn latin

watches hour long documentaries on youtube

The softie

reads fanfiction “for the literature”

is known for bringing up random animal facts

their guilty pleasure is kicking people’s asses in chess

always tries their best

“guys you have to stay hydrated! otherwise you’ll get a really bad hangover”

The artsy one

takes the train even when it’s less convenient

buys pretty stationary to motivate themselves to study

ends up watching calligraphy tutorials and bullet journal vlogs for hours on end instead of doing their homework

has an architecture pinterest board

draws and paints while listening to sufjan stevens

a hoe for vintage cameras and photography

The relatable one

always on tumblr or typing something on their phone

probably has both an aesthetics and a shitpost blog

sleeps in till 2pm “by accident”

blasts pop punk music at 4am while having a dance party alone in their room

The aggravating one

the try hard ravenclaw hates them with a burning passion

is great at bullshitting presentations

whips up a project that looks super complicated but actually took them half an hour to do and the teacher always loves it

isn’t into fandoms

only drinks juice boxes

pretends like they don’t care but secretly they do

#jc why is this so long #dracoisgay on instagram #harry potter #harry potter text post #ravenclaw #types of ravenclaws #harry potter meme #hogwarts

[secondhand-trash]

Ben Hargreeves(UA)- Family

[Requested]

A/N: Hi, it’s me and I’m in love with Ben. Also, much thanks to the anon who sent in this request because this gave me the motivation that I very much so needed. I may or may not have elaborated on it a lil bit too much but I hope you like it! (Side note: I’m trying to write reader inserts as gender neutral as possible from now on because I feel like it would be more enjoyable for a larger variety of people^^)

Description: (in a miraculous world where Ben was alive)In which we learn about how one went from freinds to family in the span of years.

Word count: 1977

Playlist: 

Fallingforyou//The 1975

Mystery of Love//Sufjan Stevens

Only Us//OBC of Dear Evan Hansen

Still Into You//Paramore

Never in a million years did you think that you would ever come back to this god damn house.

Ever since you could remember, your parents always told you that there was something strange about the man who lived across the street. He adopted seven children out of no where (“Apparently those children were born on the same day to women who had no signs of pregnancy beforehand,” your mother scoffed, “as if that’s even possible.”) and tried to trained them into becoming this group of crime fighting superhumans (“That man is out of his mind,” your father exclaimed, “those are children!”). And so like the sensible parents they claimed to be, they warned you to stay away from ‘that Hargreeves man’ and his ‘Umbrella Academy’. 

And naturally, like any child would, you did the exact opposite of what they told you to. 

It was not on purpose, you never intented to wander near the Hargreeves’ house one day when you went home from school (despite the fact that you might be able to get home a lot earlier if you hadn’t, but as we said before, it was unintentional), you did not plan to talk to one of the kids that lived there (Number six, as you heard his father called him, very odd way to call your child but you guessed that it must have meant that he was the sixth oldest among the seven of them) and you most certainly did not return every day after that just to talk to the boy again (it was simply out of chances that he was there the moment you walked by, at least that’ s what you told them when your parents question you at the table).

As days passed and your small conversations got longer each time, you learned that he indeed has a name (”It’s Ben, actually.” he said when you asked him, fidgeting with his hands as he speak) and the numbers were not actually an indication to the their order of birth. 

You two got closer as days past and he started to tell you more about the Academy. He told you all about his family, about the missions they went on. Curiously, you asked ”So you guys all have powers, right?” 

Ben nodded softly and you said, “can you show me yours?” 

He did not say anything, lowering his head and looked away from you instead. “You don’t want to see it,” he said after staying silence for a while, “it’ll scare you away.” 

You did not question him any further and neither one of you said anything else that day. Sitting next to him in silence, you secretly decided that you would not allow yourself to ever be afraid of Ben, no matter what his power was. It was years later when he finally dared to show you what he was capable of doing and you kept the promise you made to yourself. Upon seeing how nervous he was to see your reaction, you pulled him into a tight hug and reassured him that it did not affect how you feel about him, you had no idea how much he appreciated it.

Days soon became years and the children who talked in front of the doorsteps everyday slowly grew up. You didn’t think anything would change at first, Ben was still your best friend and you two still talked about everything. But then you started to notice that something did change. You found yourself grinning like an idiot at everything he said and you noticed small details that you never paid attention to, like the way he hums whenever he thinks that no one could hear him. It soon came to a point when you realised that you may or may not have fallen head over heels for your best friend. Admitting that to yourself, you soon noticed the many subtle signs that he may or may not have loved you back.

You distinctly remembered the first time he held your hand. It was a cozy autumn afternoon and you were watching the leaves fell in the garden with Ben. You were in your own word when you felt Ben gingerly putting his hand on yours. You looked up at him and smiled. With flushed cheeks, he looked away while gently grabbing your hand in his. You couldn’t help but chuckle and softly pulled your hand out. Ben reluctantly turned his head back at you, a flash of hurt in his eyes. However, his frown soon lifted and turned into a sheepish grin as you fully intertwined your hand with his.

There was no doubt that you went from friends to lovers at that very moment and it was like that’s how things were ought to be. Ben sneaked out at night to be with you whenever he could and you made sure that you always had your windows opened for him. You two didn’t get to do much stuff that couples usually do on dates but it was enough for you just being with him, talking about everything and anything in your room until daybreak.

Despite your best attempt to keep it a secret, it didn’t take long for his siblings to discover that you two got together. You were just about to leave the Academy after being with Ben during the 30 minutes of free time he had each week (a ridiculously short period of time, you would say). 

“I’ll try to see if I can come over tonight, ok?”Ben said, holding your hand. 

“Ok.” You smiled and leaned in to give him a soft peck. Clearly not satisfied, Ben pulled you towards him and kissed you much more firmly on the lips. You chuckled at his rare initiation for affection and kissed him back when the moment was ruined by a loud bang on the door. 

“Hey Ben, do you hav.. Ohmygodimsosorry!” You snapped your head to the door just in time to see Klaus running down the corridor in such a frantic manner that you couldn’t help but laugh. 

Ben whispered in embarrassment, “I hope he won’t tell anyone about..”

“GUYS!!!!! BEN HAS A GIRLFRIEND!!!!!” 

“Never mind.”

Although his siblings teased you relentlessly (it was all in good fun, a bit annoying to have six people doing that though) and you could sense the obvious disapproval from Reginald Hargreeves (at this point, you refused to acknowledge him as their father because despite fulfilling his duty as a caregiver, no father would ever treat his child the way he did), your relationship was strong even when you became adults. 

You did not hesitate even for a little bit when he took out a ring from his shirt pocket and asked you to marry him. The wedding was small and only attended by close family and friends. Your parents were skeptical of Ben at first(and quite shocked that you had been going against their orders for so long without them noticing) but soon came to accept it when they saw how happy you were with him. Reginald, on the other hand, did not even show up at the wedding. It upset Ben greatly, that he had done whatever his father asked of him yet still not earning his approval. That was the moment he decided that it might be time to move on and stop circling his life around his father’s wishes.

You two were 20 by the time you got married. Moving into your own place right away, life got rough and paying the bills could be a struggle sometimes but it was all worth it to be by each other’s side. His siblings would call every once in a while(mostly Klaus and Vanya, occasionally Allison would come by as well) and you would sometimes passed by the old building when you visit your parents at your childhood home but you never step back into the Academy.

It wasn’t until Reginald Hargreeves’s death that you finally returned to where everything started.

Sitting in the grand living room, you held Ben’s hand firmly as an attempt to comfort him. Reginald’s death hit him hard and the awkward silence with all of his siblings did not help easing his nerves at all. 

“I guess we should get this started,” Luther finally broke the silence as he stood up. He went on to talked about a ceremony and the others chimed in about some minor details. You tried to focus on what Luther had to say but you looked at Ben and could tell that he was clearly not listening. You gently squeezed his hand to which he gave you a weak smile and patted the back of your hand to assure you that he’s ok.

“Listen up,” Luther said and you turned your attention back to him, “we still have some important things that we’ve to discuss.” He then turned to look at you, think in silence for a while and said, “I think it might be best that only family will hear about what we’ll be saying next.” 

You stared back at him in disbelief, even a little bit hurt upon getting the hint that you were still an outsider despite being married to his brother for years. 

Klaus was not having none of it, “I mean technically in-laws are still part of the family, right? And let’s not act like (y/n) haven’t been around for ages now.” 

Ben was already in a bad mood and it only got worse upon hearing what Luther just said, “Even dad felt sick when he saw my powers and (y/n) didn’t even do so little as flinch, I saw them as family way before the idea of marriage even crossed my mind.” Ben said, trying his best to contain his annoyance. “I understand that you are concerned but I’m not having this conversation if you’re excluding the one person who have been by my side throughout all these years.” 

Ben’s anger shocked you, he was always so soft spoken and reserved that you didn’t expect him to lash out on his brother(one that he looked up to for so long). Needless to say, his siblings definitely did not expect him to react so strongly and the conversation went dead. 

“I think (y/n) should stay.” Allison said, nodding towards you slightly. Diego didn’t say a word yet he made no move to oppose it either and Vanya bumble something about not leaving anyone out. 

Luther remained silent. Letting out a defeated sigh, "Ok, fine.”

Later that night, you were alone with Ben in his old bedroom. You were unpacking your stuff on his bed when you felt a wave of nostalgia and you couldn’t help but smile when you thought of how far you two had come. 

“Remember when Klaus caught us kissing right here?” You turned to Ben, relieved to see him smile when you brought up the incident.

 “How could I not,” Ben said and sat down next to you, “they didn’t stop talking about it for weeks.” You two just sat together like that for a while and it reminded you of all those times when you were a kid. 

“Earlier back there,” you cupped his cheek as you said, “you didn’t have to defend me like that, it’s fine.” 

Ben leaned into your touch and reached up to hold your hand, “But you are family to me, I won’t let anyone doubt that.”

You stared into his eyes and was warmed by how determented he was. You leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. Pulling back, you chuckled at how he still blushes even after being together for years. Despite growing up, you could still see that young boy you fell in love with in the man in front of you. If only you knew that you would find a family in the boy who lived across the street many many years ago when you were just a young child looking for a friend.

#ben hargreeves #ben hargreeves imagine #ben hargreeves x reader #number six #umbrella academy #the umbrella academy #umbrella academy fanfiction #umbrella academy fanfic #umbrella academy imagine

[queerdraws]

Ineffable Husbands playlist

For anyone looking for an ungodly long playlist that is probably going to be under construction forever: Here You Go

I also want to plug this playlist while im at it because I absorbed a lot of songs from it & it’s very good.  much more concise FULL CURRENT TRACKLIST, 41 songs (as of 7.6.19) UNDER THE CUT Including: tally hall (an absurd amount), hozier (of course), frank sinatra, the mountain goats, sufjan stevens, queen, elbow, velvet underground, mitski...etc.

Frank Sinatra - The Best is Yet to Come

Out of the tree of life I just picked me a plum You came along and everything started in to hum Still it's a real good bet The best is yet to come

Best is yet to come and babe won't that be fine You think you've seen the sun But you ain't seen it shine

A wait til the warm up's under way Wait til our lips have met And wait til you see that sunshine day You ain't seen nothing yet  ... Wait til your charms are right for these arms, to surround You think you've flown before  But baby you ain't left the ground 

Hozier - From Eden (obligatory)

Babe, there's something wretched about this Something so precious about this Oh what a sin

To the strand a picnic plan for you and me A rope in hand for your other man to hang from a tree Honey you're familiar like my mirror years ago

Idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on it's sword Innocents died screaming, honey ask me I should know I slithered here from Eden just to sit outside your door

Tally Hall - You & Me

Off again we go Another seed to sow Another part to keep in proper order

What have I begun? Get away undone I have seen the signs and I ignored them

Now it's you And me Divine A circular design (do do-do do-doo) Time, and place, and mind Points along the line (do do-do do-doo)

Sitting in the park Carefully remark Everything is better when you're learning

You were in the dark And I was in the dark Everything is made to keep on turning 

Barenaked Ladies - It’s All Been Done

I met you before the fall of Rome And I begged you to let me take you home You were wrong, I was right You said goodbye, I said goodnight

It's all been done It's all been done It's all been done before

I knew you before the west was won And I heard you say the past Was much more fun You go your way, I go mine But I'll see you next time

It's all been done It's all been done It's all been done before

The Strokes - Under Cover of Darkness (the times between meetings)

We got the right to live, fight to use it Got everything but you can just choose it I won't just be a puppet on a string

Don't go that way I'll wait for you

And I'm tired of all your friends Listening at your door I want what's better for you

So long, my friend and adversary But I'll wait for you

Conor Oberst - To All the Lights in the Windows (Crowley POV, Aziraphale not quite meeting him half way wrt The Arrangement.  Talks about various biblical events throughout time, like they’re meeting up there)

Jesus off in the water, standing on His feet Yeah, that's the thing about charisma it makes everyone believe But there is nothing impossible When I'm with you and when you're with me I got a sad sinking feeling that, that can never be

But I'm going to do what I can for you, I will make a plea To all the lights in the windows, the puddles in the streets And all the lovers that you've been teasing from your balcony May they carry you far from my memory

Light a Roman Candle with Me (Crowley POV)

Light a roman candle with me Just a roman candle, you can wear your sandals And I'll pour you just one cup of tea. Then you can go and rest You haven't seen my best, so

Just spend an evening with me Just a lazy evening, then you could be leaving Or we could stay and talk until three. I will think it's magic and I'll hope you'll agree, so

Light a roman candle with me. Just a roman candle. Just a perfect apple.

If we were honest and both wrote a sonnet together A sandwich with everything on it, At least we would know that the sparks didn't glow But we owe it to ourselves to try, So we aim and ignite! So often I call and I plead with you: "Give me a chance!" It's not often that I understand The ins and the outs of what's wrong and what's right So don't think of tomorrow tonight.

Oh, I know, it goes on, it gets old But for now we're young, we smell good, we're alone

You look for a legend, I'm looking for common ground. Your heart isn't breaking, And mine isn't making a sound.

Oh I know, it goes on, it gets old Oh I know, it goes on, it gets old

Light a roman candle with me. Just a roman candle. Just a perfect apple.

Tears for Fears - Head Over Heels (mmm pining)

You keep your distance with a system of touch And gentle persuasion I'm lost in admiration, could I need you this much? Oh, you're wasting my time You're just, just, just wasting time

Something happens and I'm head over heels I never find out till I'm head over heels Something happens and I'm head over heels Ah, don't take my heart, don't break my heart Don't, don't, don't throw it away

Throw it away Throw it away

Mother Mother - Problems

You and me, we're not the same I am a sinner, you are a saint When we get to the pearly gates You'll get the green light I'll get the old door in the face

Doo, doo, doo I'm a loser, a disgrace, yeah

I've found love in the strangest place Tied up and branded, locked in a cage I say I'm gonna stage a great escape Let loose and love all But baby we're out of place

Doo, doo, doo I'm a loser, a disgrace You're a beauty A luminary, in my face

I got it all, and not a lot, I got a lot less than a lot I've got problems, not just the ones that are little It's those people problems, it's something to consider When you come for dinner at my place

The Mountain Goats - New Zion (sort of a flashback to the garden, i don’t like to put really mellow songs at the very beginning of playlists so this was the best place i could fit this one in)

There were signs up in the sky When we gathered by the garden wall Everybody on his best behavior Listening for the altar call

High priest of Salem in his robes Ranting of the coming of the day Ravens at the gates Frightening all the visitors away

I lay down by the water Dreamed a dream of where I come from Old things made new Waiting for you

There were wooden wind chimes rustling In the trees above the anthills on the dunes On the high winds, we could hear them Old familiar tunes

The little bit of faith we had once Like the memory of a movie They got burned up in the great fire Reassembling itself slowly by surely

I lay down by the water Dreamed a dream of where I come from Old things made new Waiting for you

Tally Hall - Who You Are (Aziraphale POV)

Maybe there's something to being the one who you are Holding the thoughts in as you pull away in your car I get to thinking a little too often & All that I want is a little aloft & Maybe it's all too much thinking and not enough heart

How is it all of the people can know who you are? Off in the distance emitting a glow in the dark All of it subtle and all of it very bizarre How is it all of the people can know who you are? I see you Not too far

Armed to the teeth You will sit at the fireside We are the ones who have chosen the other side It was easy to see You were ready to be And it all falls down

You rose up and rode away underground Alone us finding our way to found

Catfish and the Bottlemen - Longshot

Go, ahead and tell me you got all you want Fiver says you're wrong And I suppose you've come down to help me Move things along ... Listen, the distance between us, could've took a while Once we closed that difference, you turned up like a friend of mine Every once in a while, the little things make me smile As if one of our longshots paid off One of our longshots paid off

So yeah, go, ahead and tell me something real Come on, how'd you feel? And I suppose you've come down to help me Answer to the riddle To the riddle

Why we laughed it off and we're wise enough, who knows?

Queen - You’re My Best Friend (obligatory)

Oh, you're the best friend that I ever had I've been with you such a long time You're my sunshine and I want you to know That my feelings are true I really love you Oh, you're my best friend

Ooh, you make me live

Ooh, I've been wandering 'round But I still come back to you In rain or shine

Apples in Stereo - Baroque

In the moonlight I see my memories In a new light, they seem so real to me I remember You know I remember And the starlight tripping in the sky Come on, we can still go there tonight I remember You know I remember We haven't changed We just feel a little strange We haven't changed We're just a little bit deranged

Umphrey’s McGee - Made to Measure (Crowley POV, “’you go too fast for me???’ what’s that supposed to mean??”)

Please excuse this I know it's rude But I was just trying to satisfy someone who requested mine You're hard to please And no one knows just what you need If you won't ever ask for help then how am I to tell? Uncomfortable You wear it well The sooner that you come around, the offer's waited to be found Anytime you need it I am already there and waiting What's yours is mine but you’re inclined to hesitate to try Don't get me wrong here I just want to make my intentions clear There's no room for reading into deep, if things aren't written down As soon as I've been told That you will not be sold Then we could all move forward here, and find our endings well You need a break It's hard to take the time When things will just move faster and we're never ever slowing down Anytime you need it I'm already there and waiting What's yours is mine but you’re inclined to hesitate to try And after all the bullshit shuffled, piles up inside There's only room for you and me And what we've left to try

Hayley Kiyoko - What I Need (”I’m going to alpha centauri and I won’t even THINK about you!”)

All the back and forth getting complicated Running me around got me frustrated No, that's why I been laying low If you wanna make it work, baby, gotta say it Need a little more than participation Oh, I could go be on my own ... What I need, what I need, what I need Is for you to be sure 

The Mountain Goats - San Bernardino (Az POV, unsure of timeline placement on this one but it’s very tender)

We got in your car and we hit the highway Eastern sun was rising over the mountains Yellow and blood-red bits Like a kaleidoscope

And flaming swords may guard the garden of Eden But we consulted maps from earlier days Dead languages on our tongues Holding onto our last hope

And the day was bright and fine And the highway sign Said "San Bernardino Welcomes you!"

I checked us into our motel and filled the bathtub And you got in the warm, warm water I pulled petals from my pocket I loved you so much just then

Sufjan Stevens - To Be Alone with You (another tender, possibly Az POV song)

I'd swim across Lake Michigan I'd sell my shoes I'd give my body to be back again In the rest of the room

To be alone with you To be alone with you To be alone with you To be alone with you

You gave your body to the lonely They took your clothes You gave up a wife and a family You gave your goals

To be alone with me To be alone with me To be alone with me You went up on a tree

To be alone with me you went up on the tree

I've never known a man who loved me

Elbow - Starlings (Crowley POV)

How dare the premier ignore my invitations? He'll have to go So too the bunch he luncheons with It's second on my list of things to do

At the top I'm stopping by Your place of work and acting like I haven't dreamed of you and I And marriage in an orange grove

You are the only thing In any room you're ever in I'm stubborn, selfish and too old

I sat you down and told you how The truest love that's ever found is for oneself You pulled apart my theory With a weary and disinterested sigh

So yes, I guess I'm asking you To back a horse that's good for glue and nothing else But find a man that's truer than Find a man that needs you more than I

Sit with me a while And let me listen to you talk about Your dreams and your obsessions I'll be quiet and confessional

The violets explode inside me When I meet your eyes Then I'm spinning and I'm diving Like a cloud of starlings Darling, is this love?

The Cure - Why Can’t I Be You?

You're so gorgeous I'll do anything I'll kiss you from your feet to where your head begins You're so perfect you're so right as rain You make me Make me, make me, make me hungry again

Everything you do is irresistible Everything you do is simply kissable Why can't I be you? ... Everything you do is simply delicate Everything you do is quite angelicate Why can't I be you? Why can't I be you?

Hozier - It Will Come Back (Crowley POV, don’t be kind to me i’ll get attached oh shit oh shit it already happened aughh)

I know who I am when I'm alone Something else when I see you You don't understand, you should never know How easy you are to need

Don't let me in with with no intention to keep me Jesus Christ, don't be kind to me Honey don't feed me I will come back

Can't be unlearned I've known the warmth of your doorways Through the cold, I'll find my way back to you Oh please, give me mercy no more That's a kindness you can't avoid! I want you baby tonight, as sure as you're born

You'll hear me howling outside your door Don't you hear me howling babe?

The Mountain Goats - So Desperate (Az POV)

We were parked in your car In our neutral meeting place, the Episcopalian churchyard I had things I'd been meaning to say But in the dazzling winter sun that late, I could feel them melt away

And through the warm radio static I couldn't hear my stage directions And the fog on the windshield Obscured our sad reflections

I felt so desperate In your arms I felt so desperate In your arms

We were parked near some trees And the moonlight soaked the branches in ever deepening degrees Had my hand in your hair Trying to keep my cool until it became too much to bear

When we cracked the windows open Well, the air was just so sweet We could hear the cars ten feet away Out there in the street

I felt so desperate In your arms I felt so desperate In your arms

Velvet Underground - I’ll Be Your Mirror

When you think the night has seen your mind That inside you're twisted and unkind Let me stand to show that you are blind Please put down your hands 'Cause I see you

Mitski - Strawberry Blonde (pining)

I love everybody Because I love you I don't need the city, and I Don't need proof All I need, darling Is a life in your shape I picture it, soft And I ache

Ok Go - Last Leaf (Crowley POV, i will go as slow as you need me to)

If you should be the last Autumn leaf hanging from the tree I'll still be here waiting on the breeze to bring you down to me

And if it takes forever Forever it'll be And if it takes forever Forever it'll be

And if you should be the last seed in Spring to venture forth a leaf I'll still be here waiting on the rain to warm your heart for me

And if it takes forever Forever it'll be And if it takes forever Forever it'll be

Coldplay - Til Kingdom Come

Hold my head inside your hands I need someone who understands I need someone, someone who hears For you, I've waited all these years

For you I'd wait 'til kingdom come Until my day, my day is done And say you'll come and set me free Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me

In your tears and in your blood In your fire and in your flood I hear you laugh, I heard you sing I wouldn't change a single thing

And the wheels just keep on turning The drummers begin to drum I don't know which way I'm going I don't know what I'll become

White Lies - A Place to Hide (mixed POV, apocalypse starts)

I've been searching through my books to try and find some truth Perhaps disguised as a mysterious way And if I made a promise Could I stay by your side? Would you guarantee my safety And say that I'd be all right?

But if Judgment Day started tonight at least I'd know I was right And I'd be laughing at the end of the world Take my hand tonight I'll think we'll be alright, girl

And I can see it on the TV, there's an air attack People of the mountains screaming I'll be back And I'm banging on your door so come on and let me in Need a place to hide, I need a place to hide before the storm begins

If I told you all the times when I'd done wrong Could you bathe my soul and wash it all away? I can't forgive the things that I can still remember So I think my friendly sins are here to stay

New Pornographers - Adventures in Solitude (Somebody killed my best friend)

Balancing on one wounded wing Circling the edge of the never ending The best of the vanished marvels Have gathered inside your door

More than begin but less than forget But spirits born from the not happened yet Gathering there to pay off a debt Brought back from the wars

We thought, we lost you We thought, we lost you We thought, we lost you Welcome back ... I know you want to run far away From one more and that it's comin' at a bad time Some cold place heartless ways for all we know

I know you need to breathe through Come back, come too but it's comin' at a bad time Tangled day, for all we know

I know you want to run far away from one more And that's comin' at a bad time Some cold race heartless ways for all we know

I know you want to breathe through Come back, come too but it's comin' at a bad time Old scarred face survivor's guilt, for all we know

Snow Patrol - The Lightning Strike (What if This Storm Ends?) (Crowley POV, you’re back!  oh god i could’ve lost you forever.)

What if this storm ends? And I don't see you As you are now Ever again

The perfect halo Of gold hair and lightning Sets you off against The planet's last dance

Just for a minute The silver forked sky Lit you up like a star That I will follow

Now it's found us Like I have found you I don't want to run Just overwhelm me

What if this storm ends? And leaves us nothing Except a memory A distant echo

I want pinned down I want unsettled Rattle cage after cage Until my blood boils

I want to see you As you are now Every single day That I am living

Painted in flames All peeling thunder Be the lightning in me That strikes relentless

Grandaddy - A.M. 180 (the apocalypse is over.  please still hang out with me?  we can do anything, no need for serious plans.  whatever together.)

Don't change your name Keep it the same For fear I may lose you again I know you won't It's just that I am unorganized And I want to find you when Something good happens

If you come down We'll go to town I haven't been there for years But I'd be fine Wasting our time Not doing anything here Just doing nothing

We'll sit for days And talk about things Important to us like whatever We'll defuse bombs Walk marathons And take home whatever together

Whatever together

My Chemical Romance - The Only Hope for Me is You (okay maybe we have a little trauma abt the apocalypse, anyway i love you?)

Where were you when All of the embers fell I still remember there Covered in ash Covered in glass Covered in all my friends I still Think of the bombs they built

If that's the best that I could be? Than I'd be another memory Can I be the only hope for you? Because you're the only hope for me And if we can't find where we belong, We'll have to make it on our own Face all the pain and take it on Because the only hope for me is you alone

How it should you be Many years after the disasters that we've seen What we have learned Other than people burn in purifying flame

I say it's okay I know you can tell And though you can see me smile I still Think of the guns they sell

Delta Spirit - Yamaha (Az POV, I’m sorry about the wait, I love you too)

I've been alone too many nights Too proud to tell you when you're right A little patience would have helped me then A lot like the break has been the common standard All the angels above the earth I prayed Said this message right into her head There's certain things in life I cannot take And I will wait

I hope you know I care I hope you know I care

So cold, I know you can't believe it Sometimes you gotta face the feelin' You don't care if you don't get up again There's a thousand things I will not understand (I hope you know I care) Now you're dealin' with the hell I put you through If I had my way I would be right there next to you There's certain things in life you cannot change There's certain things

I hope you know I care

Tally Hall - The Whole World and You (Crowley POV?)

There's lots of pretty people here Sharing soltries and passing letters and

There's lots of questions answered and Metaphysical astronomical songs

Words printed all on papers That seemed too mystical It's so magical

People that dance and compute that No one's better then you ...  I hope you're happy now I've revealed the truth I've even written this whole song about you And not about me And not about me

Please don't just laugh and clap right now This is serious I'm not delirious

I've waited very patiently Just to let you know Who should run the show

Cause we all know these are the facts Nothing to retract Nothing too abstract

Concluding in the song I'll say No one's better than you

Ashley Eriksson - Island Song (South Downs cottage)

Come along with me To a town beside the sea We can wander through the forest And do so as we please Come along with me To a cliff under a tree Where we'll gaze upon the water As an everlasting dream All of my affections I give them all to you Maybe by next summer We won't have changed our tune I still want to be In this town beside the sea Making up new numbers And living so merrily All of my affections I give them all to you I'll be here for you always And always be for you Come along with me To a town beside the sea We can wander through the forest And do so as we please Living so merrily

The Mountain Goats - Genesis 30:3

I remember seeing you, my tongue struck dumb When you first came here from wherever it was you came from The power in your voice, your rough touch You keeping care of me, keeping watch ... For several hours we lay there, last ones of our kind Harder days coming, maybe I don't mind Sounds kind of dumb when I say it, but it's true I would do anything for you

Open up the promise of the day Drive the dark things away I will do what you ask me to do Because of how I feel about you 

The Civil Wars - C’est La Mort (stay with me forever?)

Swan dive down eleven stories high Hold your breath until you see the light You can sink to the bottom of the sea Just don't go without me

Go get lost where no one can be found Drink so long and deep until you drown Say your goodbyes but darling if you please Don't go without me

C'est la vie C'est la mort You and me Forevermore

Let's walk down the road that has no end Steal away where only angels tread Heaven or hell or somewhere in between Cross your heart to take me when you leave Don't go, please don't go Don't go without me

The Magnetic Fields - When my Boy Walks Down the Street

Grand pianos crash together when my boy walks down the street There are whole new kinds of weather when he walks with his new beat Everyone sings hallelujah when my boy walks down the street Life just kind of dances through ya from your smile down to your feet

Amazing he's a whole new form of life Blue eyes blazing and he's going to be my wife

Sufjan Stevens - With My Whole Heart

And you're all I want (I fell in love, I fell in love the moment that I met you) And you're all I need (I give my life, I give my love, promise I will protect you) And you're all I've got (I will not rest until I know the best is always with you) And I still believe (I confess the world's a mess but I will always love you)

Tally Hall (edu) - Nowhere Else

There’s nowhere else I’d rather be Than in this moment you and me No place else I’d rather go No one else I’d rather know ... When the daylight turns to dusk Our energy a cosmic dust Trust with that in which you feel Love til the end ... love the lost and love the loved live below and love above love the earth and love the trees love those who give their lives for peace love all you call your family love you found a place to be love the ones with whom you fight love the ones who spend the night love the rich and love the poor love for want and want for more love the smile and simple things like those who want to live to sing love the ghost of what has passed love the trying till the last love the sick and love the strong love all who'll learn to get along

Frank Sinatra - I’ve Got a Crush on You

I'm your big and brave and handsome Romeo How I won you I shall never never know It's not that you're attractive But, oh, my heart grew active When you came into view I've got a crush on you, sweetie pie All the day and night-time hear me sigh I never had the least notion that I could fall with so much emotion

Could you coo, could you care For a cunning cottage we could share The world will pardon my mush 'Cause I have got a crush on you

Miracle Musical - Dream Sweet in Sea Major

Children born of one emotion Our devotion's deepest ocean No division reasoned we'll be Free

To know We are beyond a bow And lo, the hues arrange to show It's perfectly clear

You look quite divine tonight Here among these vibrant lights Pure delights surround us as we sail Signed, yours truly, the whale

Joy mirage's kingdom come No one left at stake Now that existence is on the wake Let's see what we can make

Apart is wholly ending A line in any final song So long so far

We will be atoning At last eternal through the past Above a blinding star

#playlist #ineffable husbands #good omens #aziraphale #crowley #i listen to it while drawing and reading fic so the goal is for it to be as long as possible #ive already added more songs to this as of 7.17.2019 #don't expect this to be a stable playlist lol

[naveentrembley]

oh my gosh HI HELLO, my name is alex and please be patient with me as i haven’t rp’d in like... three years, so i’m relearning everything. i’m happy to welcome my soft boy naveen! he’s baby and that’s facts! shoot me a message if you wanna plot or whatever! we can go with the flow.

avan jogia. 25. cismale. he/him. sufjan stevens. | i can’t believe i just saw NAVEEN ‘NAVI’ TREMBLEY walking out of cadence records. they’re a single INDIE artist who’s been in the industry for THREE YEARS. the tabloids love to focus on their SECRETIVE nature , but they’re also pretty PASSIONATE and they seem to give off a vibe that reminds people of WALKING THROUGH A PUMPKIN PATCH IN THE FALL, YOUR FIRST KISS UNDER THE STARS, EARL-GREY TEA, PRESSED FLOWERS SAVED IN A BOOK.

BASIC INFO

- naveen was born in anchorage, alaska and given up for adoption when he was two. he has never met his birth parents and tries not to think about it. he loves his adoptive parents but there’s always a part of him that wonders about his birth mother. 

- lived in alaska for ten years before moving to la with his adoptive parents, around this time, his parents adopted a young girl who naveen promptly got attached too. they were peas in a pod instantly. 

- was a wild rambunctious kid so his parents got him into guitar lessons to try to channel his chaotic behavior and it WORKED. he learned to play the piano as well after throwing a fit that his sister was learning it. 

- he played and sang at family functions, at church, school talent shows, funerals, local coffee shops pretty consistently. naveen felt most like himself when he was performing, like the cliche soft boy he is.  fell into the indie scene because he appreciated their vulnerability and openness in their lyrics, which he struggled to do in his everyday life. 

- while music was his main passion, he went to college and got a degree in art history. he jokes about it being the most useless degree he could have gone for, but he loved every second of it. take him to an art museum and he’s YOURS. 

- my boy has known he’s gay for a lONG time, like since he was 12 but fully buttoned that shit up. his parents are religious and he was popular at school. he feared rejection and abandonment, being ostracized was worse than being his true self. (probably stemming from being abandoned as a kid)

- until he was signed by cadence, he usually played at coffee shops and teeny tiny venues for a small but loyal fanbase. He’s been with the label for three years and has tried keeping a low profile, but it’s his secretiveness that made him popular. he rarely does interviews, especially for blogs and magazines. besides being so MySterIOUS, he’s also notorious for being a bit of a heartbreaker. he has a string of ex-girlfriends because he tries so hard to keep up appearances but usually crumbles under guilt and just breaks things off. 

- naveen continues to keep his sexuality hidden as his reputation has curated into a sort of manic pixie dream boy for women. his albums are romantic and a touch sad. some might find his music melodramatic and whiny. 

PERSONALITY TRAITS;;

- just a disgusting soft boy. daydreamer and introspective piece of shit. he goes to poetry readings for FUN, drinks copious amounts of tea and tends to his garden. he probably does puzzles to relax. 

- he is kind and curious, really does want to make deep connections with people. he wants to know them but struggles letting anyone know about him. he gets cold feet when asked personal questions. would rather listen to your problems than mention himself at all. 

- now he’s no prude, lil navi enjoys drinking/getting high/sex behind close doors. the sex is probably less than he wants bc he really gotta trust the dude to keep quiet. but he could use some bad influences in his life!!! 

some wanted connectons; exgirlfriends, fwb, close friends, i have a list of all my wanted connections here! 

#cadence.intro #also i did not proofread this so im sorry for typos im just a messy fool

[vessuvius]

 People I’d like to know better || REPOST. DO NOT REBLOG!

Tagged by: definitely tagged by @feartricked :) Tagging: @inaibaa , @blithened, @necrophagic, @puzzlesclved, @sisterlytwins

– one / name / alias. rowan  – two /  birthday. sept 22 – three / zodiac sign.  virgo libra cusp :) – four /  height.  5′8 – five  /  hobbies.  ms2 and sims. i have 1000+ hours for maplestory2 because the game is very time intensive aka it feels like its one massive chore and i have to play it or else i’ll be behind ... takes advantage of the fact that i’m a big weenie and want to be stronk. also im more of a ‘fashionstory’ player aka i want to look as cute as possible. also i have over 7000 hours for the sims its my life  – six /  favourite colors.  peaches and oranges but like orange cream not, regular orange – seven / favourite books.  warrior cats most things by ernest hemingway ! – eight  /  last song listened to.  golden slumbers (cover) by ritt momney   – nine  /  last film watched.  the grinch ...  – ten  /  inspiration for muse.  the lyric ‘ i’m a ghost in training because my heart is waning ‘ from panucci pizza’s song naruto themed sexting , its a really good song i swear. & i decided on his name ( naoki ) with help from friends ... my boy really was about to be named gunther instead .. and i had come back from a 2 month school trip to ireland & scotland ( saw the loch ness monster , u know how it is ) and had that as some more inspiration. also his fear of the water was an opposite reaction to where there was another rando school with my school and they were from some middle state , while im from cali , and we were driving along the coast and they were like o my god is that THE OCEAN and we had to stop so they could get rocks . so lin is afraid of water and not amazed by it ... or something – eleven  / dream job.  working for boston ems... im already an emt and im going to paramedic school in a bit .. and working for them u have to start off as an emt anyways and go through paramedic training through them too... but they are So Cool they have badges and handcuffs and cool sweaters and a tv show !! while im here ,, with a nametag ...  – twelve  / meaning behind your url. inspired by my mans .. sufjan steven’s song ‘ vesuvius ‘  , the lyrics are good , and i felt like the general theme of the song fit well so ... heres my url. also i listened to a lot of sufman while i was in scotland so it definitely was going to be based on one of his songs. and it definitely used to be in my music player but i took a long hiatus once, and then i came back to edit my url and tumblr was like this is fucked ! delete it ! and so i had to delete the music player 

ty for coming to my ted talk 

#ooc tag. #this is really just me giving song recs

[apeironaxiomaton]

Biscotti, Dutch letter, and wafer

biscotti: what languages do you speak? which one feels the most intimate to you? I only speak English. I can read (and I guess sound out) Attic Greek although only on a rather rudimentary level and I’m quite proud of how good I’ve gotten at it since I started learning it just over a year ago. I also took American Sign Language for two years back in high school because my friend who I had a crush on at the time was starting it that same year even though she knew basically all of it already because her mom was our school’s ASL teacher, which all sounds like a very bad soap opera (and it was: by the time that first year was over we had both been so awful to each other that we literally never spoke to each other again for the whole rest of high school, it was that bad). Anyway, I can still fingerspell and I roughly remember how the grammar and word order work, but I’ve basically lost everything else to the point where I wouldn’t say I know ASL anymore. 

I would have to say English is the only one I feel any intimacy with; I have a lot of fun with Greek and I enjoy how it makes me think differently and has changed the way I think about words and how I say and interpret them, but at the end of the day, English is the one where I can say precisely what I want to say and always have the right word for it in reach and where I never feel scared about saying something wrong and that’s intimacy baby!! 

dutch letter: if you could decorate your room anyway you wanted, how would it look? I mean, there are so many different factors at work here?? I have a whole dream home! dream home! that should give some idea of what makes my heart leap out decor-wise. But the answer to this looks so different based on if this is the only room I have to myself (as is my situation now and has always been) or if I have a whole house or apartment to work with and that’s mainly because of my 329 volume library, which would take up the bulk of my room in the former scenario but be it’s own room entirely in the later. If we’re accounting for that, I’d love to have shelves that fit right into the walls so they didn’t take up floor space and that went all the way to the ceiling and were some kind of rich dark wood. In either case, I’d ideally want a large window that let in a bunch of natural light and that could come with a window seat long enough to lounge in comfortably and that might have some stained glass detailing to it and it’d have curtains or those cabinet style shutters instead of blinds, obviously. There are lamps near anywhere I might lie down and they’re the main light source of the room because lamplight feels better and so that I don’t ever have to walk over and flip a light switch off before going to bed. And I’d love to have some nice art to hang on the walls, be they originals or reproductions. Oh, and it should have a ceiling fan because, being from Arizona where like you’re legally required to put one in each room, I can regulate the temperature of a room much more easily with those than thru a thermostat. Anyway, I could just go on for days about this.   

wafer: what kind of music manages to totally transport you somewhere else? My music taste is eclectic enough at this point that I’ve given up trying to have any concise description of it. Maybe you can come with something that includes it all from looking at it from the outside, but I sure can’t! There’s I guess two kinds of songs that transport me somewhere else--there are 1. songs with such a strong sense of story and place that you have to surrender your surroundings to them. Bruce Springsteen writes these, so does Sufjan Stevens, they’re Belle and Sebastian’s bread and butter and Jens Lekman’s too. then there are 2. songs that offer a whole wonderful melodic world to sink into, which can be subdivided into a. big unabashed pop songs that hammer you over the head with exactly how their magic works (Cary Rae Jepsen is a master at this, A.C. Newman and his New Pornographers do this, Bowie, Prince, and Madonna were all about this at their bests while still also leaving in room to be weird; the great insight of punk music was that anyone could make music that was this delightfully obvious, so your Clash and Ramones and Talking Heads probably fit best here) and b. songs that are transcendently ethereal and esoteric and that leave you hearing new things all the time each time you listen: Kate Bush and Beach House and Cocteau Twins and the Field Mice all live here. These categories and subcategories are all very fluid and a lot of my favorite music somehow manages to do all of them at once: R.E.M. and Pavement instantly come to my mind as bands that do sense of place and story, blatant beautiful melodicism, and ethereal esoterica all at once in the same song very often. But if I talk about a song being “transporting,” I’m probably talking about a song that does one of those three things.  

[emetoandotherthings]

3, 5, 14, 27, 30 for the songs ask :)

Aah, thank you for asking B! 💙🎵🎵

3. three songs you were recently obsessed with - Okay, this is actually pretty simple for me, lately I’ve been obsessed with Soldado by Juan Luis Guerra (we use it at my Zumba class and it’s 👌👌), Higher Ground by Rasmussen , and Remind Me Who I Am by Jason Gray. 

5. three songs you wish you could forget (because listening to them hurts) - oh man.. probably The Last Night by Skillet (this holds so so many memories so it hurts and helps at the same time), Fall For  You by Secondhand Serenade (p much as above), and Send Me A Sign by Sam Clark.

14. three songs you want at your wedding - Oh jeez, you ask the hard one! I’ve probably got like 63 songs I want at my wedding 😂I’ll do my best to pick 3! I’ve realised this’ll sound as pretentious as hell, but I want to leave to this: Brandenburg Concerto No. 2 in F Major, BVW 1047 - 3. Allegro Assai, I want this to be the blessing: A Gaelic Blessing by John Rutter, and as a hymn during it, I really want this: Across the Lands by Stuart Townend.

27. three songs that you sing while drunk - Oh jeez hell, everything  😂 😂 In particular my drunk songs tend to be: The Night is Still Young by Nicki Minaj  cause apparently I’m a good rapper when intoxicated 😂😂, Boys and Girls by Will.I.Am  (cause of course it’s my bisexual anthem), and the last one is a throwback and a half, but Shackles by Mary Mary I’m clearly a strange drunk 😂😂

30. three songs you really want your followers to know (for reasons other than all those above) - So I’m gonna go with three songs which are just bloody great songs: John Wayne Gacy Jr by Sufjan Stevens, Try by Mandy Harvey, and Dancing In the Moonlight by Toploader. 

#Est replies #music asks #song asks #song ask game #thank you so much!! #lovely people are lovely! #its-a-goddamn-heartbreak