#i‘ve read this like 3 or 4 times already and every time i read it i fall in love with it even more-

[rahabs]

the fact that you would defend the israeli government after they’ve murdered 30,000 innocents in the largest bombing campaign in modern history is literally despicable and borderline evil. if a genocide documented ad nauseam cannot make you cognizant of israel’s colonial and deeply racist regime, then literally nothing can and you are beyond reasoning with. actually incredible how multiple history degrees have clearly taught you nothing about how a genocide works — or perhaps more concerningly, they have, and you simply don’t care because the victims are palestinian. the fact that you would use those very history degrees to excuse israel’s genocide of palestinians is deeply disturbing and indicative of the rancid hypocrisy within western academia. history will exonerate the indigenous palestinians, and it will be unkind to those like you who defended and cheered on their annihilation.

It‘s so amazing to me that you actually believe this, and that you‘ve so wholeheartedly swallowed the propaganda Hamas (known for using their own civilians as human shields, known for paying their citizens extra for killing Jews) has been peddling. So I am going to paste here some points others have already made that I‘ve saved over the course of information-gathering, though I doubt you‘ll bother to read or learn, judging from your asinine little comments here.

1) Palestine Gaza is a genocidal nation. The goal of the Palestinian government in Gaza is literally to destroy and commit genocide against Israel and kill every Jew by every means possible. This is literally written in their founding charter. "The Day of Judgement will not come about until Moslems fight the Jews (killing the Jews), when the Jew will hide behind stones and trees. The stones and trees will say O Moslems, O Abdulla, there is a Jew behind me, come and kill him. Only the Gharkad tree, (evidently a certain kind of tree) would not do that because it is one of the trees of the Jews." There is no solution for the Palestinian question except through Jihad. Initiatives, proposals and international conferences are all a waste of time and vain endeavors. The Palestinian people know better than to consent to having their future, rights and fate toyed with.

2) Palestine is an apartheid nation that has ethnically cleansed 100% of their Jews and stole their territory after 1948. There used to be tens of thousands of Jews living in the areas of Judea and Samaria, which was renamed to the West Bank by Jordan. However they've all been ethnically after the 1948 Arab-Israeli war and 0 Jews are allowed to live in Palestine today. 3) Palestine is an authoritarian dictatorship both in Gaza and the West Bank. Hamas won majority of the votes during an election in 2006, but the Palestinian president simply refused to recognize the results of the election and refused to hand power over to them. This resulted in Hamas siezing power in Gaza, executing hundreds of their political rivals, and they never held another election. Likewise, the leadership in the West Bank also refused to hold any elections and still continue to illegitimately cling to power. Abbas, the president of Palestine had a 4 year term which was supposed to end in 2009. He's still the leader today and has continued to postpone election after election. 4) Palestine supports the outright open murder of innocent civilians. I've already mentioned the charter of the Palestinian government in Gaza above where their goal is to eradicate Israel and genocide Israelis, but the Palestinian government in West Bank is just as horrible. There's the Palestinian Authority Matry Fund where they literally pay a salary / pension to any Palestinians who commmit terrorist attacks against Israelis, be it through stabbings, shootings or suicide bombings, and they've paid out billions so far. The Foundation for the Care of the Families of Martyrs pays monthly cash stipends to the families of Palestinians killed, injured, or imprisoned while carrying out violence against Israel.

5) Palestine is horribly corrupt oligarchy. Palestine receives billions from the USA and Europe in aid every single year. Whatever money isn't spent on paying literal terrorists, or on rockets to shoot at Israel ends up going to corrupt Palestinian leaders. Yasser Arafat, the first Palestinian leader, died a billionaire. Abbas the current President is worth $100 million. The Palestinian leaders in Gaza, Ismail Haniyeh, Moussa Abu Marzuk and Khaled Mashal have an estimated combined wealth of over $10 billion. Meanwhile the combined GDP of Gaza is only about $2.5 billion, meaning these 3 leaders wealth is equal to 4 years of Gaza's GDP. 6) Palestinians have caused wars and instability in every country that they've sought refuge in. In Jordan, Palestinains assasinated the Jordanian king in 1951, then attempted a coup of a the country in 1970. After they failed, they were expelled to Lebanon where they started a civil war with the Christian Maronites. This war lasted 15 years and killed several times more people than the entire Israel-Palestine war (150k died in Lebanon civil war vs 25k in Palestinian-Israeli wars). In Kuwait, the Palestinians supported Saddam as Iraq invaded Kuwait. In Egypt, they've been hit by several bombings by Palestinians. 7) There is no freedom of speech or equality in Palestine Gaza. No equality of sexes, no equality of races, and definitely no queer rights in the entirety of Palestine where you could be killed for the crime of being openly queer. [If you identify as a liberal, there is literally] no reason to support a country where majority of [your] friends would either have severely restricted rights, be treated like objects, or be thrown off a building just for existing.

Let me reiterate: Jews are indigenous to Israel. Jews have existed and lived in what we now call the Israel-Palestine region for thousands of years before the foundation of Islam, and even before the foundation of Christianity. In the game of “which Abrahamic religion came first?” Islam ranks dead last.

Israel as an identity as a people has existed for thousands of years and has been recorded as far back as the Iron Age on:

i) The Mesha Stele;

ii) The Tel Dan Stele;

iii) The Kurkh Monoliths; and (potentially)

iv) The Merneptah Stele.

While scholars have argued over the translations on the Merneptah Stele, the general consensus among historians, classicists, archaeologist, etc, is that it refers to the existence of Israel at the very least as a collective identity that existed at the time, and was called Israel.

They were eventually repeatedly forced out by other powers such as the Romans and many others, but that doesn’t change the fact that Jews had a continuous existence in Israel before being forced out by what people like you would normally call “colonising powers” were it not so contrary to your own ill-supported arguments. It also doesn’t change the fact that Jews, and Israel, existed before both Christianity and Islam, and long, long before Palestine.

So if your entire argument boils down to "who was here first" and the ideas of "colonialism" and "anti-colonialism" and "decolonisation", then I am telling you, Jews were there first. You could argue Canaanite groups like Moabites and Ammonites were there too, but Moabites and Ammonites don't exist as a continuous group anymore. No matter how you look at it, you are wrong, so let me parrot your horrible argument right back at you:

The fact that you would defend Hamas, a known organisation whose founding Charter literally calls for the annihilation of Jews, who have systematically purged Jews for years, who launched multiple attacks against innocent Jewish people (the music festival, the babies and the woman and the children slaughtered), the fact that there's a Palestinian Authority Matry Fund where they literally pay a salary / pension to any Palestinians who commit terrorist attacks against Israelis, be it through stabbings, shootings or suicide bombings, and they've paid out billions so far; the fact that you defend the existence of the Foundation for the Care of the Families of Martyrs which pays monthly cash stipends to the families of Palestinians killed, injured, or imprisoned while carrying out violence against Israel, etc... that you would defend this is "literally despicable" and not only outright evil, but ignorant to the nth degree.

If the continuous genocidal nature of Hamas against Israel cannot make you cognizant of Hamas' deeply racist, violence, and terrorist regime (to the point where none of the Muslim countries around them will take Palestinians in; even their fellow Muslim countries want nothing to do with them), then I'm not sure what to tell you. You say I am beyond reasoning, but from where I'm standing, your head is so far up your own ass that I don't even know if you're aware of anything that isn't the smell of your own shit.

It's actually incredible to me how you can ignore what multiple historians and scholars are saying because you want to cling to your idea that Hamas are just a bunch of "poor innocent brown people" who need help from the "evil white Israeli regime". Or perhaps, more "concerningly," that is just it: you hate Israel because you erroneously perceive them as white, and so therefore they must be evil. I don't know, but that is what a lot of anti-Israel sentiment seems to boil down to in the world of people like you.

The fact that you would excuse and ignore Hamas' outright horrific acts and ignore history is deeply disturbing and indicative of the rancid hypocrisy within the west, but particularly within western circles that claim to be "progressive", "liberal", and "leftist."

Hamas has said no to every ceasefire. Hamas has said no to every compromise Israel has offered even before October. If Hamas stops fighting, the war ends. If Israel stops, then Israel is annihilated.

History has already shown that Palestinians are not indigenous if we are playing the "who was there first" game with Israel and Palestine, you're just so ignorant that you will refuse to see the evidence right in front of you. You are the one cheering for the annihilation of an indigenous group, and the one history will frown upon is you.

#antisemitism #Sorry for everyone on my dash who had to read this long reply. #I have sat on this for a month wondering whether to release it. Seriously grappling with everything. But. #Here we go. Will I delete it later? I am not sure. But. #There are too few people willing to speak up on this because they're scared of militant Palestinian supporters. #And truthfully I am scared of them! Militant Palestinian supporters are terrifying and my country has MANY #But this is my line in the sand. I so rarely draw them with political conflicts but this is it for me. #If you support Hamas you are DISGUSTING. #And you cannot divorce the fact that the vast majority of Palestinians have supported and do support Hamas. #People literally cheer for Hamas in the streets here and call for the annihilation of Israel. #Universities defend this shit too (see: the scandal with Penn State and Harvard) #I am so open politically I neither identify as right or left I so rarely truly put my foot down and say #'if you believe this you are disgusting' #But? Yeah. #And maybe I will have a mas exodus of followers now but whatever. #ancient Israel

[silverysnake]

Tagged by @pumpking64 thank you so much!!

Share your wallpaper: It‘s THIS art by @neverland-in-space (not gonna put it here bc I don‘t wanna repost)

The last song you listened to: I have a playlist with my favourite songs from this years eurovision that‘s just on repeat the whole time so I‘m gonna put the six songs that are in it here: Cha Cha Cha by Käärijä (Finland), Queen of Kings by Alessandra (Norway), Promise by Voyager (Australia), Blood & Glitter by Lord Of The Lost (Germany), Who the Hell Is Edgar? by TEYA and SALENA (Austria), Carpe Diem by Joker Out (Slovenia). Cha Cha Cha and Queen of Kings are definitely the two I‘ve listened to the most tbh bc I keep putting them on repeat until I remember that I could listen to some of the other songs too.

Currently reading: Started rereading Good Omens for idk the sixth or seventh time now and spatort fics of course

Last Movie: Stereo. Please don‘t ask me what it was about it was some weird german movie I found in the depths of netflix, the only thing I know for sure is that there was a ghost that was played by Moritz Bleibtreu. The last movie I‘ve seen in the cinema was the new Guardians of the Galaxy which made me cry my eyes out.

Craving: Some coffee and for my schürk/ross wg fic to finish itself bc I can‘t find my motivation

What are you wearing right now: cargo-pants and a batman-shirt

How tall are you: 173 so pretty average haha

Piercings: Had earrings since I was six

Tattoos: None, but I wanna get one soon

Glasses? Contacts?: Nope

Last drink: Water. Stay hydrated guys!

Last show: ‚last‘ ist good, I‘m watching seven shows rn (and yes I‘m gonna elaborate on that): 1) Spatort, 2) Soko Leipzig, 3) Polizeiruf Swiecko (the sad gay german cop shows, no one should be surprised by this), 4) Magicians with some friends (how does this show have so much plot I still don‘t understand?!), 5) Dark (every time when I say „hey this would be a funny thing to reveal but actually please don‘t i don‘t want the situation to get worse“ that exact thing is revealed like in the next one to three episodes and by now I‘m just horrified by everything), 6) Mord mit Aussicht (my bestie pressured me for weeks until I gave in and honestly it‘s pretty entertaining and another german cop show), 7) Supernatural bc for some reason I thought that is a good idea

Last thing you ate: some bread for breakfast

Favourite colour: Purple and green :)

Current obsession: The already mentioned sad gay german cop shows

Unrelated obsession: Norse Mythology

Any pets: Nope, but my parents have two cats and I‘ve missed them every day since I moved out

Do you have a crush on anyone: Nope

Favourite fictional character: It‘s been Loki for years so I guess he deserves to be on here (not just the Marvel version but in general) and I guess currently it‘s Adam Schürk haha

The last place you traveled: Spent a week in a village near Burg (bei Magdeburg) last month :)

Tagging: @shadow-of-a-cloud @homoromoacecase @neverland-in-space @lyxchen @anotherobsessedfangirl @schuerk-wie-schurke @ancient-namess and anyone else who wants to do this :)

#tag game #the obsession being the sad german cop shows is so relatable pumpking!!! #also very good taste in favourite colour :) #as you can see i‘m still not over the disaster that was eurovision #i keep thinking about how we behaved like some insane football (as in soccer) fans watching like the finale of the world cup or something #while the points were announced #also sorry for taking so long i typed this whole post yesterday and then tried to save it as a draft bc i had to look up someones username #but when i tried to do that my wifi was gone and i couldn‘t do anything #anyways the post was miraculously still there when i just opened tumblr #my wifi was gone for nearly 24 hours and it wasn‘t even my fault i think it was a general problem #which is pretty wild but well it‘s back

[alwaysonthemend]

Destiel Fic Recs (An extensive rec list of almost every single Destiel fic I‘ve ever read.)

NOTE

- This is a masterlist of all of my fic recs. They include AUs, SPN universe, codas, ficlets, schoolfics, and more!

- Works marked with (*) denote my absolute favorites.  

-This rec list is all Destiel (I'm a clown 🤡, sue me.) If you don’t like it, don’t read it. 

-Yes, many of these works are NSFW, but usually said scenes can be skipped without losing important plot info.

-This list will be updated whenever I find a good fic, though probably not regularly if I'm honest. (Life happens...)

-I DO NOT own any of the work found on this list, nor do I claim it to be my own; I am simply making this so that others can enjoy these fics as well.

-Please do not hate on anyone or anything. If you don't like Destiel, then don't read the fics. If you hate the author, don't tell me because I don't care about that drama. (Walk AwaaAYyaYAaa)

1. Twist and Shout****** by @gabriel and @standbyme Archive Of Our Own.

Thoughts- I'm sure that there is nothing I can say that you haven't already heard. Just read it. Suffer along with the rest of us. There's fluff, smut, angst (the holy trinity.) This is truly the best fan fic ever written. Period. 20/10.

2. 300 Things by @cautionzombies. (I can't find the original source so you'll have to try and find it on your own...)  

Thoughts- What's a Supernatural rec list without 300 Things? This really is an amazing fic and it is written so well!  

3. How A Righteous Man Raises A Rose by @swordofmymouth- Live Journal.  

Thoughts- This fic really took me by surprise. It's tagged as an AU, but I think you'll find that it's not at all what you think. The author effortlessly sets a mood of loss and regret, yet still gives the light a chance to shine through. I went into this fic thinking it to be an AU, and it was at first. But I soon realized that there was much more to this fic than what at first meets the eye. I shed a few tears over this one.

4. Cleanse the Mirror* by @takadainmate -Live Journal.  

Thoughts- Man, this one hurts, but in the best way. I read this fic a long time ago but lost it and couldn't find it for a long time. I am so glad that I found it and was able to re read. Just as enjoyable (if not more so) the second time. Dean gets a better understanding of what it's like being an angel. (And Cas is written so well in this fic! He's just like he is in the show. It's incredible!)  

5. A Hole in the World by @bauble - Live Journal.

Thoughts- This one just hurts and hurts and hurts. This is one that you'll just have to read and see for yourself. No happy ending. (You've been warned.)  

6. In the Shadow of Your Wings by @EnochianThings - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts- This is a really well written fic. There were several times that I almost forgot that I was reading a fan fic because the characters and story are just so well though out. It's a bit of a long one and is set in a (sort of) canon!verse.

7. My Throat is An Open Grave* by @inkandpaperqwerty - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts- This was one of the first fan fics that I ever read for Supernatural. This one is just so heartwarming, but not before plenty of angst and hurt/comfort. The author seamlessly puts Sam and Dean into a heartbreaking AU and it's all about the love that Sam and Dean have for each other. (NOT Wincest.)  

8. Thursday's Child* by @strangeandcharm - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts- All I can say is... Ow. Slow burn to end all slow burns, but so worth it in the end. This one is set in the End!verse (which I'm a total sucker for.) Dean and Cas are just so sad and I just want to hug them and make it all better. Imagine, Future!Dean's plan to kill Lucifer!Sam works and now he has to live with the fact that he killed his own brother, devil or not. And Cas has to come to terms with the fact that he survived the epic showdown, despite his belief that he wouldn't, and now has an addiction that he has to get under control. I love this fic and it really is a painfully slow read, but more than worth it in the end.  

9. Après by @imogenbynight - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts- Dean and Cas go to Paris... Need I say more? I love this fic because it addresses the crappy way that Dean always has Cas coming to him and how Dean needs to step up and realize the sacrifices Cas has made for him (shameless bias opinion... Sorry) All us Cas stans will really appreciate this one. Written well, characterization flawless... What else can you ask for?

10. Dean's Days Off* by @MittenWraith - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts- This is just the sweetest, fluffiest fic you could ever ask for. Reading it made me want to fall in love so badly it hurt. Cas and Dean just get some well deserved rest and quiet. I am absolutely in love with this fic and I'll read it over and over again. (Especially if I've had a bad day and need some happiness)

11. Unlit, Unmarked, and Forgotten by @awed_frog -

Archive Of Our Own.

Thoughts- This is a beautiful coda for 11x17. There's some Destiel if you squint. It's very sad but somehow manages a happy ending that renews your hope and brings a soft smile to your face.

12. Down Like Water by @museaway - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts- I really like this fic a lot. It is very sad with a lot of Hurt!Castiel but it does actually have a happy ending. Just grit your teeth and bare through the angst and sadness to make it to the beautifully sappy ending.

13. Till Kingdom Come* by @freckles_n_feathers - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts - This is a season 11 AU that was written before season 11 aired (the author actually somehow predicted things that were going to happen before they aired!!) This fic gave me really high hopes for season 11 that weren't quite fulfilled. I loved season 11, don't get me wrong (it's actually one of my favorite seasons) this fic was just so perfect and I wanted it to be canon so badly. (I re wrote this review like four times because I kept saying "actually" lol)  

14. 12x19 Destiel Ficlet by @Samanstiel - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts - This was written before 12x19 aired, and if you were upset with how things went down then this is the fic for you. The characters are written so well and it really feels like an actual episode.

15. Contrapasso*** by @takadainmate - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts- This might be the best fic ever (trumped only by Twist and Shout...) Inspired by Dantes Inferno and so beautifully written! I just... There aren't words. It's very dark, and the ending was not at all what I wanted (but after much thought, I realized that there couldn't have been a better ending.) I really got lost in this fic. I could see exactly what the author described, I could feel what the characters felt. This is true art... This is the fic we've all been looking for.

16. Put Up Your Dukes by @takadainmate - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts- This fic is by one of my favorite authors (who has featured on this rec list before...) Hilariously dirty. Dean and Cas are bone heads who can't make up there minds. Human!Cas is also a little sh*t and I'm living for it. There's some smutty times in this one... (which can easily be skipped if you're not comfortable without losing any important points of the story. {at least I didn't feel like I missed anything})

17. Then I Defy You Stars* by @speary - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts - So many tears were shed while I read this. The plot is just so amazing and a plot twist to end all plot twists at the end. It's full of sacrifice and love and angst and bittersweet moments. I love this fic (and I promise you will too.)

18. All the Nights by @NorthernSparrow - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts- This takes place after 15x03 episode "Golden Time". A bit of a fix it fic, but canon compliant to a point. I really love this fic (I love anything written by NorthernSparrow). Also a case!fic, which I'm always a softie for. Some big questions that I have since season 15 are addressed in this fic, and I absolutely love the way they are answered.

19. A Winter's Tale* by @NorthernSparrow - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts- Oh my gosh. So much Hurt!Castiel. There isn't outright Destiel but there is heavy DeanCas relations. This is a season 9 re write and it just hurts so much. If you can make it through all the pain, the happy ending makes it all worth it. Human!Cas just deserves so much better... Ahh! It's just so sad and perfect and awesome.

20. Give All My Secrets Away by @morganoconner - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts - This is a sweet little fic. Not particularly long, but oh so meaningful. Dean gets cursed and his soul is pushed from his body, leaving him vulnerable and scared (the author portrays the human soul in a very interesting way). Cas looks after him and it's just so fluffy.

21. Plot Holes* by @saltyfeathers - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts - Holy crap! This fic took me a whole week to finish and I enjoyed every minute of it! Every chance I got I would pull my phone out and read. I was rudely interrupted many many times so I just decided to finish it at night and stayed up until 2AM on a school night. (oops?) It's soooo well written and feels like an actual season of Supernatural. 12/10 all the way.

22. Someone Who's Feeling For Me by @ellispark - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts: Here's a fic to kick you right in the feels. I actually really genuinely enjoyed reading this fic because of how well the characters are written! Dean, Sam, and Cas run into Lisa Braeden post her mind wipe in season 6 and it brings up a whole bunch of drama for our boys. (While also helping Dean realize that she was never really the person he wanted to be with 😉) A bit of light smut and a bit of angst but definitely worth a read.  

23. Chalk and Chainmail by @angelwingsandthings - Wattpad.

Thoughts : Oh this one is so good... It's very angsty at times and Dean is a lovable dork who can't win no matter what he does and Cas is just a confused little assbutt who doesn't know what to do with himself. (So he's himself if we're being perfectly honest here 😂) There's some light smut but nothing too graphic. This one is a Highschool!AU, so prepare yourself for the delightful drama that comes along with teenage hormones. (And Charlie is a total QUEEN and I'm living for it. I love her so much.)

24. Remember When * by @VioletHaze - Archive of Our Own

Thoughts: Sooo... I've been on a bit of a School!fic kick recently. (Not a little bit. Like a lot a bit thb) This one is just so god da*n perfect (scuse my French) Dean and Cas have been best friends since fifth grade; they do everything together. Then some crap happens and they get in a huge fight junior year. Years later, they finally make it back to each other. (*Cries in fangirl*) Warning, it's sad, it hurts like heck. But there's also so many perfect moments. I promise you won't regret reading it. (And once again Charlie is a total queen and I would give my life for her. She deserves so much better... {SPN writers I'm looking at you.})

25. Everytown, USA by @aileenrose - Archive Of Our Own.

Thoughts : I've seen this fic on tons of recs but never really thought much of it. But I kept seeing it so I decided to give it a read and boy was it worth it! This is just a great fic that has plenty of fluff (And angst... Because what's a Destiel fic without sadness and pain?) Cas is a lot different from his character in the show but somehow the exact same? He's Cas, but it's like he's what Cas would have been like if he had grown up human. I just love him so much in this fic (and I want to give him a hug too... 😢)

26. I Through My Window by @dehavilland - Live Journal.

Thoughts: I've seen this fic on several recs and I finally got around to reading it myself. Some ample Destiel angst to hit you right in the feels. But I love this fic because it is incredibly motivating! Post season 5 canon-divergent and Castiel is permanently rendered human. Dean is a ginormous penis head and leaves Cas to fend for himself. Cas pines after him for a while before realizing that he doesn't need Dean to live his life. Cas stans will love this one. I just gotta include a quote because it's just beautiful. "No, I don't need you. But I want you."  

27. A Light for My Path* by @domesticadventures - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts : Oh my goodness. This fic is just... *chefs kiss* Told from the perspective of Cas' Continental. (A.K.A "Connie") Dean and Cas are having a difficult time figuring out who they want to be after the end of the last The-End-Of-Times-We're-All-Gonna-Die, but they figure it out together. There are plenty of Impala!pov fics (and even an actual episode), but I don't think I've ever come across one from Connie's perspective. Definitely worth a read.

28. Named* by @RC_McLachlan - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts : Hooo boy. This fic.... This is a complete season five re write and I LOVE IT. It's pretty angsty, but it also has some funny times thrown in. Dean is a sassy girl the whole time and I love him so much. And the plot twist at the end literally blew my mind. (brains splattered on the ceiling and everything.) 12/10.

29. And Even In The Quiet Night by @KelpietheThundergod - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts: Okay, this one is pretty sad. Not full on angst, but more fluffy sad. (If that makes sense...) Dean wants to celebrate Christmas but no one else seems interested. I just want to wrap Dean in a blanket and sing Hey Jude until he feels better! But don't worry, an absolute beautifully written cliche and sappy ending will make up for it.

30. Just More of the Same (*??) by @outpastthemoat - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts : There really aren't words to describe this series. It's just so fricken bleak but beautiful at the same time. I really don't know how to describe it. Read it, the only regret is that it ends. I honestly hated how it ended, so unfullfilling. But, that's life sometimes, and I think that's the whole point of the series. I don't know if I love it or hate it but there's no denying that it is absolutely beautifully written. 12/10

31. the cost of a thing**by @quiettewandering - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts: Hooo boy! This is a great fic! Fake marriage? Check. Slow burn? Check. Case!fic? Check. Fluff and angst? Check. This fic has it all. This fic kicked me right in the feels. My gosh, beautifully written and the characterization is FLAWLESS. But trust me, bring tissues as you watch Dean and Cas, slowly, painfully, but surely heal the trust that was shattered between them. This is an AU for season 8 in which Dean was the one who undertook the trials, not Sam. Dean is dying and there's nothing Sam and Cas can do to stop him, especially since Dean is insistent on just giving up and accepting his fate. Cas can save Dean's life, but at what cost? Surely a terrible one... Angst insues. 10/10.  

32. I'll Dig a Hole and Pull You Through by @JoCarthage - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts: If yall hated the DeanCas interaction in season six (didn't we all...?) then this is the fixit!fic for you. In this fic, Dean helps Cas defeat Raphael. And boy, there's some flangst. (Also Dom!Cas is a thing 😏)

33. Stitches by @Askance - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts: I wouldn't exactly call this a fixit!fic, buuut it is a sort of fixit for season 7. (Except Cas gets hurt, which I hate. {So does Dean...}) Cas survives the Laviathan taking over his vessal but is rendered blind. Sam and Dean have to take care of him. Loads of whump and hurt/comfort. Definitely shed a tear or two (or twenty.)

34. The Way Out* by @awed_frog - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts: *fangirl noises*. I hate to say this, but OMG! This fic blew my frickin mind! The time line is very confusing and the author gives you a way to read it in chronological order, but it's worth it to read the way it was published. Everything starts making sense around the third to last chapter and it is glorious (-ly sad and angsty.) But there is a happy ending and it's soooo worth it. First timetravel!fic I've ever read and it did not disappoint.

35. What is Hidden, What is Seen* by @ExpatGirl.

Thoughts : Wow! This is a pretty long fic but so worth it. The author joked several times about the fact that the fic is longer than her Masters thesis. This is a complete season 11 re write and I LOVE it. It's got some beautifully written OCs, Crowley, Rowena, and a certain someone who needs to come back canonically. (Again, looking at you Spn writers...) This is just written so well and the author was able to put in small Easter eggs the whole way through just like any real season would. Some light smut but nothing too graphic, angst (Hello, my name is angst but you can call me Destiel.) There's even some humour in here too! All in all, an absolutely beautifully written fic.

36. And This, Your Living Kiss*** by @opal_bullets - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts: Okay, first off, insert fangirl screams here! I LOVED this fic. (And not just because I'm a clown {which I totally am} but for some personal reasons I'll elaborate on in a sec...) This is an amazingly written, thought-provoking, and heartwarming fic to read. I loved it especially as it featured poet!Dean which I don't find a lot of. Now, I particularly liked this fic because it really hit home for me. The author described exactly how I feel when it comes to poetry. They described how poets often write best in times of sadness and misery and how we often stop writing because we are destroying ourselves in our own heads and can find nothing to write about when we finally allow ourselves to be happy. The author puts it perfectly in this fic. Not only did the fic make me rethink some of the opinions that I've had on poetry writing for years, but it also inspired me to pick up my pen again after not writing for almost a year and a half. So, thank you to the author for getting me back into writing poetry. (I can't thank you enough! ❤️) Please read this fic yall!  

37. What We Remember by @Tiro - Fanfic.net

Thoughts : (Not Destiel btw) Oh my Chuck. This is soooo sad. Some nice emotionallyscarred!Dean for ya. It starts out so unassuming too! Totally blindsided me with the angst. But also some brotherly love between Sam and Dean. Definitely worth a read. (P. S, I'm writing this from the floor of my room while I sob in fangirl.)

38. More or Less by @schmerzerling - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts - Oh my goodness this is such a great fic. Lots of emotional angst and trauma (Just the way I like it.) This fic is so amazing and I loved every minute of it. There are so few stutter!Dean fics out there. This fic is unfinished and hasn't been updated since 2016 but I think it is still worth a read. The point at which the fic is left off has no immediate cliff hangers so I think that the fic can still be appreciated as is. Definitely worth a read.

39. Every Part of the Animal (*?) by @Askance and @Komodobits - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts - I hate this fic. I hate how dam* near perfectly written it is. I hate it for the hours I spent crying. I hate it for the hope it gave me before ripping it away like it was a game. This fic was recommended to me on a group chat. I was warned. I was warned that it was a terrifying, horrific, and heartbreaking fic. What did I do?? I read it anyway. (Shocker, I know...) This fic is genuinely terrifying. It's horrific and I have to say, READ THE THE TAGS. Beautifully written, as to be expected by the authors. (Both of whom have featured on this list before.) This is a case fic gone horribly, horrifically, disgustingly wrong. 10/10 would recommend, but be warned: there is NOT a happy ending.

40. Hautley's Bend **** by @ColdInTheStudio - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts - Okay! So, first of, if you aren't into long fics this is absolutely NOT the fic for you. A whopping 42 chapters, all masterfully written without a flaw or typo in sight. I LOVE this fic with all my heart. I mean, I'm an absolute clown when it comes to Highschool!AUs, but this fic is just... *chef's kiss. * This is the Highschool!fic you have all been wanting. It's got angst, it's got fluff, emotional trauma, not to mention some fan favourite characters. (Gabriel, Charlie, and Kevin to name just a few.) But you should check out the tags before reading as there's some heavy stuff dealt with in this fic: Dean is not a very nice person at the beginning of this fic. There's also underage drinking and detailed substance abuse. Self harm is also pretty prominent in this fic as well as some A+ John Winchester parenting. But the pain is so, so worth it. Bring tissues!

41. Stay With Me, Sweetheart by @MandalaRose - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts - The fluff is too much! I mean, we got firefighter!Dean saving Cas' life! (For Chuck's sake...What more could you ask for?) Also some single father Cas caring for a baby Clair, so some cute daddy!Cas for your troubles. So sweet and heartwarming and a very happy ending. 10/10.

42. Season Z*** by @Castielslostwings, @CR Noble, @cutelittlekitty, @EllenOfOz, @fangirlingtodeath513, @heylittleangel, @jscribbles, @MalMuses, and @son_of_a_bitch_spn_family - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts - So you might notice that there are LOTS of authors listed above and they all came together to create something beautiful. They started publishing chapters right after the season 14 finale and published a chapter every week until the season 15 premier. This is, essentially, a complete season 15 re write. It is masterfully done! Team Free Will vs. a zombie apocalypse. Also, lots and lots of old faces all brought together to save the world one last time. There's some heartbreak, some love, some smut, some fluff. (Also some Samwena to make everything even better.) 22 long chapters, each feeling like an actual episode, made this fic seem like an actual season. (And I wish the writers would steal from this fic's finale and make some... stuff... finally canon.) Truly a timeless Destiel masterpiece.

43. Something about Pinneaples by @lizleenimbus - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts - This is an EXTREMELY adorable little DeanCas ficlet. No angst, no Big Sad ™, just sweet sweet, tooth rotting Destiel fluff.

44. Last Night on Earth by @the_communist_unicorn - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts- Sooo, I'm sure we all remember that disastrous night out, when the first big ol Apocalypse was gearing up, and Dean found out that Cas was an eons-old virgin... And I'm sure we all remember the disaster that was Cas and a prostitute. Anyways, here's what might have happened if Dean had taken a bit more of a... hands on approach. 😏 The chapters are all episodes that took place after the season five episode "Free To Be You And Me" and how they would have unfolded had Destiel become canon. I will warn you, their is smut (easily skippable) and there is DEFINITELY some angst. The whole thing is capped off with a bittersweet alternate ending to season five finale "Swan Song." I can't say much else without spoiling the ending, but all in all it is a very good fic to read.

45. Painted Angels *** by @WinJennster - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- HOLY FRAHOLY. I love this fic. A beautiful take on the classic trope of "We Had Something Good But I Ruined It, Now I'm Gonna Show Up Twelve Years Later And Try To Fix It... Also You're Engaged To Someone Else. Oops?" But seriously, all joking aside, this is an awesome fic. Painter!Dean x Writer!Cas, a match made in Heaven. (Hehe, get it? Heaven? Sorry I'll leave.) HOWEVER, do please be mindful of the tags. There is mentions of suicide and a couple paragraphs describing a rather grizzly accident to one of the main characters. Also, some lovely A+ John Winchester Parenting ™ and several instances of homophobic language. Still, this is an amazingly written fic and I can't stress how much I enjoyed it.  

46. Forgotten *** by @NorthernSparrow - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts- So, first off, I have to talk about the author for a little bit. I have read every single fic by Northern Sparrow and EVERY SINGLE ONE is a friggin masterpiece. The amount of research and backstory that goes into these fics is truly awe-inspiring. Northern Sparrow leaves no plot holes, no mistakes, no typos, nada. Now, the actual fic in question is no exception. While not particularly a Destiel fic, it can be taken as pre slash. There is a sequel, a Destiel version and a non Destiel version, called Flight that I am currently reading as well. (The Destiel version of course 🤡) There is some serious whump and angst here, both physical and emotional. This fic is a canon divergent from around mid season 9, in which there is no Mark of Cain and is a continual re write of the season. Cas goes through a lot in this fic (my poor baby) and Dean and Sam go through some gnarly stuff as well. This is such a good fic, I really can't stress enough. I wish I was half as talented as Northern Sparrow is when it comes to writing stories. I promise, you will NOT be disappointed. 12/10

47. All is safely gathered in by @randomdestielfangirl - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- Here is a cute little coda for season 12 episode 6, “Celebrating the Life of Asa Fox.” It’s mostly Mary-centric and her understanding of the Dean/Cas relationship. I’ve always had a soft spot for season 12 codas where Mary sees that Dean and Sam have grown up. (Especially those that have DeanCas in them.)

48. Bring Up the Deep by @deathbanjo - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- Here is a pretty cool case!fic with eventual Destiel fluff at the end. The story line is a little heavy and dark, but nothing more than canon-typical violence. This involves Sam, Dean, and a human Cas traveling to the beach to investigate a “sea monster.” Fair warning, there are moments describing Cas’ depression and struggle with figuring out who he is and who he wants to be, but again, not as bad as season 9... (STILL not forgiving the writers for that fiasco.)

49. Hazy Shade of Winter by @GeekPrincess - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- Here is yet another case!fic. This one has Team Free Will and Mary teaming up to solve a case in rural Wyoming in the middle of winter. It takes place not too long after Mary’s resurrection and Sam being freed from the British Men of Letters. At first it seems to be just a normal case, but per Winchester fashion, someone ends up getting attacked. Definitely worth a read.  

50. A Little Old Fashioned by @theheartchoice - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- Another coda, sorry... (I’ve been going through a faze) This one takes place in the aftermath of 14x13 episode “Lebanon.” I was disappointed that Cas didn’t play that big of a role in the 300th episode. I thought for sure he would considering he WASN’T EVEN IN THE 200TH EPISODE. *Clears throat* Umm, ya. Just some Destiel fluff of Cas taking care of Dean’s wounds the old fashioned way after John’s departure.  

51. Same Deep Water by @braezenkitty - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- Team Free Will heads to California to investigate a string of mysterious deaths in a supposedly haunted hotel called the Brookdale Lodge, nestled in the redwoods of Santa Cruz. I particularly enjoyed this fic because it has a definite early SPN vibe. Very creepy and eerie and reminded me a lot of No Exit (2x06) and Playthings (2x11). Also a bit of flirty!Cas and jealous!Dean.  

52. Looking for a Sign* by @emwebb17 - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- THIS FIC... is sooo adorable. Holy Chuck. Dean meets Cas on his bus ride to work and tries to talk with him. Not realizing that Cas is deaf, Dean just assumes he’s being ignored and goes out of his way to get Cas to interact with him. After weeks of no response he finally realizes that Cas can’t hear him and so Dean offers that they start over with their acquaintanceship. Dean meets all of Cas’ friends and they quickly grow closer and closer. They would be perfect for each other except Cas refuses to date hearing people. (Also, bonus points for the pun in the title.)

53. Peanut Butter-Pumpkin Wedding Cake by @Sparseparsley - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- I’ve seen this fic on so many rec lists and I’m so mad that it took me this long to finally read it. Bartender!Dean meets Cas at a bachelor party and they hit it off right away. Then, when Cas’ car breaks down, Dean offers to drive him around to make preparations for the upcoming wedding. Dean has a massive crush, but thanks to Dean’s remarkable ability to jump to conclusions, he thinks that Cas is the one getting married in 2 weeks. Read it just for the sake of watching two idiots dance around each other for weeks on end. They aren’t fooling anyone but themselves.  

54. My Marble Guardian by @LadyDrace - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- Bring tissues cuz this one hurts like a season 12 finale. (Heh. I’m hilarious.) Dean is killing himself trying to support little Sam after their parents die. Dean is close to ending it all and takes to talking to the marble angel statue that sits by his mother’s grave. I can’t say much else without spoiling the ending so you’ll have to read it yourself to find out how it ends.  

55. The Law of Equivalent Exchange** by @awed_frog - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- Holy crap! This fic is truly amazing. @awed-frog is one of my favourite authors of all time. (And has featured on this rec list before.) This fic follows Castiel caring for his ward, a man who will one day be called Dean Winchester. Follow Cas through Rome, Greece, Paris, Russia, Germany, and more as he guides the impossibly bright soul that Heaven claims will one day save them all. In other words, Cas is sent to earth to watch over Dan, son of Enoch and continues to do so until January 24th, 1979, the day Dean Winchester is finally born. The fic then becomes canon-compliant all the way until season 11, then stems into a canon-divergent for defeating Amara. All from Cas’ POV, we see how he went from being Castiel, Angel of Tears and Thursdays to Cas, Angel of Dean Winchester. 12/10.  

56. A Way Back Home* by @thatpeculiarone - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- Another AU with deaf!Cas. Dean is a lonely bakery owner whose past is full of heartbreak and loss. He meets Clair Novak, a mute girl who has no one to talk to, after Jody suggests that they meet. Neither are too keen on the idea at first, but they soon discover a perfect remedy for their predicament. Dean loves to tell stories and Clair loves to hear them. Dean has a story for every pastry in his bakery, and Clair soon realizes that all of Dean’s stories seem to revolve around one person. After finally discovering why Dean always looks sad when no one is looking, hates Valentines Day with a passion, and only ever talks about his best friend in the past tense, Clair is determined to help Dean get the happily-ever-after that he never got to have.  

57. Such Familiar Magic by @saltnhalo - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- This fic was inspired by the artwork of very talented @lizleeships here on Tumblr. This is the first witch AU I’ve ever read and it did not disappoint. Cas is a reclusive witch with unimaginable power and Dean is one of the most powerful familiars in North America. Both of our boys have some dark secrets and ghosts from their pasts threaten to separate the two for good.

58. I'm fine by @lizleenimbus - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts - Can I just say, WOW. This one is yet another small ficlet to go along with @lizleeships artwork. This fic, despite its short length, is so potent and amazing! The writer effortlessly blends the canon SPN with the world of Destiel and I am LIVING for it. The somber and quiet nature of this fic makes it an excellent read for a late at night fanfic session.

59. The Shadows on his Shoulders by @lizleenimbus (Yes, I know. Two in a row... I don't care.)- Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts - Okay, first off, @lizleenimbus has become one of my favourite fic writers EVER. This fic is canon compliant (sort of) for season 6, just when Dean is beginning to figure out that something is wrong with Sam. (In the soul department, that is.. .) This here is a wingfic to end all wingfics. I love the writing, the characterization, the plot, everything, just... *chefs kiss.*

60. The Care and Feeding of Castiel by @MalMuses - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts - Soooo, another wingfic!! (No, I don't have a problem. YOU have a problem...) I am a total sucker for wing!grooming DeanCas fics. I just, gosh! I love them so much! I love this fic more every time, no matter how many times I've read it before.  

61. Asunder by @rageprufrock - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts- Now, listen here lil clowns. Everyone loves a good "I need a plus one for my brother's wedding" trope and this here fic is the perfect one. And if you don't love it, this is absolutely NOT the fic for you. Sam is getting married and Dean doesn't want to go to it alone, so he enlists the company of his best friend Cas to go with him. Shenanigans and misunderstandings ensue, topped off with a healthy serving of meddling family members. A great rainy afternoon read.

62. Good Call by @sysrae - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts - First, please be mindful of the tags as Dean meets Cas by talking him off of a ledge. However, despite the horrible start, this series is still incredibly fluffy and sappy. It also has Therapist!Benny being exasperated by Dean and Cas' utter stupidity around each other. This is a very heartwarming fic that balances the angst with fluff perfectly.

63. 'Tis but a Crush by @Annie D - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts - Here is an awesome little meet cute modern AU fic! Cas notices that a man with startling green eyes stares at him whenever they are together. Cas is interested immediately but the green eyed man seems too shy to approach Cas. Fluff and awkward moments soon follow.

64. Where There's Smoke, Theres Fire** by @OsirisApollo - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts - So, first of, I am absolutely in LOVE with Firefighter!Dean. Cas is an ER doctor who meets Dean after the fire alarm in his apartment building goes off. Cas manages to make a fool of himself but is comforted by the fact that he'll never see the attractive firefighter again. Boy, was Cas wrong. The two men seem to run into each other practically everywhere, and no matter how hard Cas tries, he always seems to embarrass himself with every meeting. This fic was responsible for making me squeal aggressively at 2 AM. 10/10 Destiel fluff.

65. Forget - Me - Not -Blues*** by @noangelsinthegarrison - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- This is a fic that I go back and read over and over again. It’s got a perfect balance of fluff and angst, misunderstandings, and a healthy dose of clueless, meddling family and friends. Bottom line is, Sam is getting married and Dean is going to be the best man. He’s thrilled, until he finds out that Castiel Novak is Jess’ honorary Maid of Honour. Dean and Cas had a... something or other back in high school. Dean would ask to be friends again but Cas is intent on pretending that they never knew each other in the first place. Misunderstandings, awkward moments, and an obscene amount of embarrassment ensues, no thanks at all to the “tradition” surrounding the Maid of Honour and the Best Man. 10/10.  

66. Ignore the Butterflies: Best Friend Advice from Dean Winchester by @impatient14 - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- Okay, this one has practically every romcom trope out there... AND I AM LIVING FOR IT. (*Clears throat) Ya, soooo. Doctor Cas and Firefighter Dean are friends. Best friends actually. Totally platonic bros. A bromance for the ages. The broist bros to ever bro. That’s it. No homosexual feelings to be found here. None at all... Or so Dean tries to convince himself.  

67. Prosopagnosia by @misseditallagain - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- Man, this fic is really adorable and quite heartbreaking at times. Cas has a cognitive disorder that means he can’t ever remember faces. He’s given up on finding love until he meets one Dean Winchester, but he’s afraid to tell his hot date the truth about his condition. Assumptions are made and misunderstandings threaten to tear the two apart for good, but maybe there’s a chance for these two after all.  

68. Midnight Blues AKA To Hell and Back (Courtesy of Sig Sauer) by @outofminutes - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- As we all know, I am a glutton for damaged!Dean being cared for by Cas. Dean is a war veteran. He’s been discharged for five years but he hasn’t dared to go back home until now. He’s not the same person he was all those years ago and the constant haunting of horrors past threaten to tear him apart. Thankfully, he’s got a loving family and a new friend (Hehe. Guess who. Sorry, I’ll leave) to help him pick up the pieces.  

69. Scars by @lemonsorbae - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- Okay, first off: WOOOO 69! NOICE! OKay, I’m done... So, this fic stands out to me for the writers unique take on some popular tropes. Dean is a tattoo artist with green hair (Insert Priestly from Ten Inch Hero here.) and Cas is the stereotypical hipster. They don’t get along very well at the beginning of this fic. (Which is a HUGE understatement btw). Then, a drunken party leads to certain... unsavory actions, and both swear that it will never happen again. And that’s a total lie. Lots of smutty times in this one so be warned, also references to past trauma for both of our favourite boys so please mind the tags before reading.  

70. The One Thing You Can’t Lose by @MajorEnglishEsquire - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- This is just a cuddly, tooth-rottingly fluffy little ficlet for some happy DeanCas feels. Warning: Do not read in public place for there WILL be squeals.  

71. The Ugly Sweater Verse by @nerdylittledude - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- I know, I know. Everyone who’s ever read Destiel fanfiction has heard of the Ugly Sweater Verse. I don’t care! I’m reccing it anyway. A newly human Castiel wants to experience every holiday to its fullest, dragging Dean and Sam (But mostly Dean) along with him. This is an AU for after season 5 in which Sam is alive, Cas is human, and Dean finally gets his head out of his ass. (With a little... okay a lot of help from the rest of Team Free Will.) This is an awesome feel-good Verse that is always nice to read after a bad day. There is a prequel to this Verse that is stand-alone, but you don’t have to read it to get the rest of the Verse. (Also, if you’re only looking for fluffy times then I wouldn’t recommend reading the prequel. You have been warned.)

72. Cats and Tats by @Jemariel - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- This here is the quintessential Coffee Shop AU that no one asked for (Well.. I asked for it. I’m lonely dammit)  Cas owns a coffee shop that is right next door to a tattoo shop owned by our own Dean Winchester. Dean doesn’t like the pastel coffee shop because it totally ruins his badassery vibe, and Cas doesn’t need another distraction like Dean, and poor Sam never gets a moments peace.  

73. Moving On by @BruisedCastiel - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- Castiel is a witch who reads fortunes for a living. One day he gets a customer named Dean whose reading has a shocking outcome. Not too much later, Dean’s ghost comes looking for Castiel seeking answers. This fic starts out pretty sad and things look hopeless for Dean and Cas but don’t worry! There’s a happy ending.  

74. Into the Fire** by @NorthernSparrow- Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- I’ve mentioned on this list before that NorthernSparrow is my favourite fic writer of all time. And their work has been featured several times on this list before. Now, be warned. This fic gets VERY dark VERY quickly. Dean, shortly after the Mark of Cain is removed, is cursed and he kills Cas. The trauma of the Mark, the guilt he feels for killing Cas, and the looming threat of the Darkness sends Dean into a mental breakdown. Sam, mourning the loss of Cas himself, is left to try and put together what is left of Dean’s sanity AND to come up with a plan to defeat the Darkness. Sam and Dean, with the help of several allies, come together to save the universe once and for all. This is a full AU starting sometime in early season 11 and finishes all the way through the end of the season. There is a lot of sadness and guilt in this fic, so please be careful going into it. Bring tissues. I cried gratuitously throughout this fic. But don’t worry because THERE IS A HAPPY ENDING. Bonus points for TrueForm!Cas. 15/10.  

75. There’d Be No Distance by @imogenbynight - Archive Of  Our Own.  

Thoughts- Just a short, feel-good, fluffy Christmas fic for ya. Cas is lonely on New Years because he assumes that he won’t be welcome to the family get-together. But don’t worry! Dean sets the record straight with his angel. (Well...Not straight but... you know what I mean.)  

76. Imperfect Proposals by @Fallen_Angel_Meg - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- Okay, so, Cas is a total jerk at the beginning of this fic. He’s demanding, arrogant, cruel, and just rude to practically everyone who works at his firm. Dean is his new assistant and needs this job if he’s ever going to make it as an architect, but Castiel isn’t making it easy for him. Things get more complicated when Cas is threatened with being deported so he says that Dean is his fiance. Dean isn’t on board until Cas threatens to fire him if he doesn’t play along. Now they just  have to make it through Sam and Jess’ wedding. Easy... Right?  (There IS a happy ending it just takes these two idiots a while to get there.)

77. The Novak Hickey Mystery by @FagurFiskur - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- This is just a short ficlet involving Professor Novak’s mysterious relationship and some VERY nosy students. Nice and quick happy-go-lucky fic with no angst and plenty of tooth rotting fluff.  

78. Come Back* by @lizleenimbus - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts- This is yet another short, canon-verse ficlet for you guys. (I know these last couple fics have been pretty short but I have been reading so many long fics recently that I’ve needed a bit of a mental break from the stress of a slow burn lol) Anyways, this is one of my favourite authors. Literally, every single thing by this author is a freaking gold mine of Destiel goodness. This particular ficlet chronicles Dean and Cas sharing an intimate conversation after a particularly nasty hunt. I love these types of fics in which Dean and Cas actually Use There Words™ and talk like Grown Ups™. (Never happens canonically so I’ll take what I can get. Looking at you SPN writers.) ALSO, this has artwork also by  @lizleeships! I swear, this individual is too frickin talented. 10/10!

79. And then there were Six* by @lizleenimbus - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- I know, I know. Two in a row by the same author... This author rocks okay! (Seriously, go check them out) This right here is a wing fic my friends. But not the type we are used to. It involves a bashful Cas, flustered Dean (And I know we ALL love a flustered Dean), and a very amused little brother. I love this ficlet especially as it is a beautiful take on the fact that Seraphim are supposed to have six wings.  

80. Autrement, Danger - or, The Account of an Exceedingly Long Day by @awed_frog - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- Here’s another fic from a “rec list favourite” author of mine. This is a pretty cool case fic with an awesome monster of the week. (Japanese folklore at its finest.) A creature manifests itself as a person’s true love. Sam sees Jess, Cas sees Dean, Dean sees Cas (And has a freakout along the way.)  

81. Memories Bring Back Memories (Bring Back You) by @sobsicles - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- Hoooo Boy! Talk about an angst fest. Set sometime in early season 15, Dean and Cas get their memories wiped and Dean is convinced that they are serial killers on the run from some tall guy named Sam. Things get awkward when they get their memories back, as they also remember what the two of them did when they were on the run together. Dean talks out of his ass, Cas gets angry (rightfully so), Sam and Eileen just want a moments peace, and LOTS of bad blood gets let out out into the open for the first time in years. This fic was hard to read because, true to Winchester fashion, Dean and Cas’ communication during this fic is TERRIBLE. Just when you think the two of them are about to hash things out, one of them goes and says something stupid and they have to start all over again. I definitely recommend this fic, but be prepared to brave some hardcore angst before Dean and Cas get their happy ending.  

82. Lost in Words, Hand in Hand* by @hallowgirl - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- This is the fluffiest fluffy fic to ever fluff! (Try saying that 10 times fast.) Dean tells Cas that he never got read to as a child, so Cas takes it upon himself to read to Dean. It was supposed to be a one time thing, but the two enjoy the time together more than they thought they would. Plus, there’s so many books to read, and laying in the same bed is just practical. That’s it. Just guys being dudes. And if Dean happens to fall asleep on Cas’ shoulder? Well, that’s not his fault at all. (Also, bonus points for Sam being the typical smug little bro who lets Dean know that he and Cas aren’t as subtle as they think they are.) 

83. La Hantise** by @quiettewandering - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- Okay so, I have been waiting to read this fic for FOREVER. I read the first couple chapters a long time ago (back when it was still a WIP) and I immediately fell in love. I decided, rather painfully, to stop reading and save it to my Marked For Later until it was finished. I have a hard time when it comes to WIPs because I forget what I read during the previous update and I often times lose interest until I can read it all in one go. I couldn’t wait to read it and I was not disappointed! This fic is BEAUTIFULLY written and the story seems to come to life before your eyes. This is the Destiel we all fell in love with; Two damaged and broken beings finding peace within each other. Warning: these two are complete idiots and there’s a lot of pining and some pretty hefty angst. Castiel’s backstory is truly, completely and utterly, tragic. Dean’s isn’t a picnic either I suppose, but it’s Cas past that comes back to haunt Dean and Cas in this fic. The author seamlessly interweaves the reality with the make believe and it sucks the reader into the story effortlessly. 14/10. A Destiel classic.  

84. Cheers, Angel Eyes by @wannaliveindeansdimples - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- As I’m sure you all know by now, I am in love with bartender! and barista!Dean. This fic has a healthy dose of bartender!Dean for you. In this fic, Castiel, known to Dean only as Angel Eyes, is a regular at the bar that Dean owns. The two hit it off during the few conversations that they have and decide to give themselves a chance. Very minimal angst and only just a small bit of pining from Dean’s POV. A very good, quick, none painful read.  

85. best friends without benefits by @lizbobjones - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- This fic is set between the end of season 11 and the beginning of season 12 and is canon divergent for the most part. This one is pretty funny and enjoyable to read, if only for the sake of poor Sam and Mary dealing with two complete idiots. Dean lets slip to Cas that he finds Cas driving Baby “hot” and Cas admits that he has known of Dean’s attraction for years. Cas proposes he and Dean enter a Friends With Benefits relationship and Dean just can’t say no. But Dean just digs himself deeper and deeper into trouble after he mistakes Cas’ preposition as a rejection of deeper feelings. Misunderstandings happen, Dean is a big baby, Cas is clueless, and Sam is stuck in the middle.  

87. Shifter by @@LadyLini - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- There are tons and tons of fics out there where Dean and Cas are the bumbling idiots of the story (Yes, just like in the show) and Sam is the one who has everything figured out. But this fic looks at the idea of Sam being the one out of the loop and Dean and Cas being the ones who actually know what the heck is going on. This is a cool AU in which Sam went to Stanford, John Winchester is still an ass hole, and Destiel is canon. This was a cool take on how the events of the show would have taken place if Sam wasn’t there and Cas had been the one to save Dean from Azazel.  

89. diamond star halo by @jad - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- This is a wonderfully light-hearted little fic in which Cas possesses Dean while his vessel recovers from the attack dog spell. We also get some great brotherly banter, Cas and Dean bickering like an old married couple, and other Team Free Will shenanigans. Also, poor Sam.  

90. like moses and batman and james dean by @saltyfeathers - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- Oooohh boy. This fic is quite the can of worms for me. Here, the author gives us a more detailed account of Dean’s past of turning tricks in order to raise little Sammy, and how this past is affecting his current relationship with our Wayward Angel. This is a heavier fic and please be mindful of the tags (Yes, John Winchester’s A+ parenting is one of them...) But it DOES have a happy ending.  

91. any port in the storm by @mishcollin - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- If you are looking for a case!fic with Dean and Cas pretending to be dating on a couple’s cruise then you have come to the right place. I love this fic specifically for the care and detail of the case. Even more, there are lots and lots of OCs in this fic and every single one of them has their own personality and backstory. Be warned: there are lots of arguments between the elder Winchester and newly human Castiel. (Most of them because Dean is a big ol idiot in this fic and keeps the possible location of Cas’ fallen grace from him because of his Winchester Fear Of Abandonment ™)

92. Sunset Plaza by @LoveIsNotAVictoryMarch - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- Dang! This is a great fic. Cas is practically married to his work and never goes on vacations, so his loving brother Gabriel decides to book him a weekend at a resort. Cas ends up having to share his room with one Dean Winchester the first night due to a problem with the server at the hotel. But they manage to make the best of it (if ya know what I mean...) Everything is great until its time to go home. They could make it work, but our lovable idiots can’t let anything be that easy. (Extra points for a little dash of Sabriel and meddling Gabriel.)

93. Longing by @whelvenwings - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- This is a really fluffy fic set in canonverse. Dean and Cas finally have a discussion that has been long in the making, ending years of mutual pining. The tone of this fic is very sweet and is a great, feel-good, nighttime read. Give me Destiel and Impala confessions and I’m one happy clown.  

94. Hallelujah! Noel! Be it Heaven or Hell by @EnochianThings - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts- EnochianThings is one of my favourite fic writers of all time! I can’t believe its taken me this long to rec this fic. This is an angsty holiday fic in which Cas confesses his feelings first and Dean is a total assbutt about it. Dean is at a loss after he realizes that he might of just driven away the one thing that could have made him the happiest: Cas. (Oh, don’t get me started on a rejected Cas... My heart can’t bear his sultry seraphim sadness.)

95. I’ll Cross the Sky for You by @superhoney - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- I am going to start this off by saying that I wasn’t really into this fic at first. I had found it through tags alone and it sat in my Marked for Later for months. I liked the tags, but I wasn’t sure about the premise of the fic. I could NOT have been more wrong. This fic was absolutely adorable. Barista!Dean meets Captain!Castiel... but in space! (With space ships and everything!) Anyways, very adorable, very cute. Definitely worth checking out.  

96. Nepeta Cataria* by @thepopeisdope - Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- I would literally give anything for there to be more Witch!Cas x Familiar!Dean fics out there. This is one of my favourite AUs and I feel like it is so lacking compared to many of the others. In this fic, Cas is a lonesome witch who plants catnip to prevent mosquitoes from being in his garden. Little did he know that it would also attract Dean, a powerful familiar, who just so happens to be the love of Cas’ life. (Familiar!Dean is almost always a dog in the fics I find so it was great to get to see him as a cat. Honestly, Cat Familar!Dean might be my favourite.)

97.Texas State of Mind** by @palominopup – Archive of Our Own. 

Thoughts- This is an awesome fic with country singer Castiel Novak meeting Dean Winchester, a man who was once an award-winning country music star. Dean has a complicated past, as he didn’t leave the industry on a good note (Compliments of John Winchester’s A+ Parenting™) He’s sworn off ever singing again and is content to look after his horses for the rest of his life... That is, until Cas Novak wants to sing a duet. This is an awesome fic with lots of familiar SPN faces. It takes Dean and Cas a little while to come around for each other, but once they do, they’re a fluffy force to be reckoned with.

98. In Real Life by @cloudyjenn – Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- This is a hilarious little meetcute in which Dean has been communicating with this guy online... They’ve never done anything but exchange messages and texts, never even seen each other’s faces, but Dean is pretty sure he’s in love with him. Sam decides that such a relationship is completely pointless if the two will never meet so he introduces his brother to Castiel. Dean thinks he’s hot and would totally go out with him, but he just can’t bring himself to like someone other than his online mystery man. But Cas is fine with Dean not being interested, mostly because there’s this guy he met online who, even though they’ve never met... Aaaand ya. You all can guess where this is going hahaha. But it gets even better when Sam realizes that Dean and Cas are each other’s mystery online crushes and decides to have a little fun with it. 

99. Rentboy by @Naoe – Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- Dean Winchester’s life hasn’t been pretty, but he’s happy with it because at least he got Sammy the life and opportunities he wanted. Dean’s life takes an interesting turn when he meets Castiel at a benefit. Dean, ashamed of his job, comes up with a new name and a new life story for this strange man. Somehow, the two form an unlikely bond, Dean supporting Castiel as his wife is dying. But the lie Dean told is still there and he has no idea how to fix it. And once Castiel’s wife is gone, the lie is the only thing keeping them from truly being together. Castiel isn’t in love with Dean Winchester... at least, not the real one. Needless to say, life isn’t easy for a Rent boy in the 80s. 

100. Silver and Cold by @superhoney – Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- Silver and Cold is an amazing AU in which Castiel is a wayward hunter afraid of settling down and a dark past that haunts him everywhere he goes. While on a case investigating a possible werewolf attack, Cas runs into Dean Winchester, a recluse who lives up in the woods of Sydnam, Maine. He’s got a bad temper and a past to rival Cas’. If it weren't for the alarming amount of evidence pointing towards Dean being the werewolf, Cas thinks Dean might just be more kind than he lets people believe. 

101. Any Little Heartbreak* by @followthattardis – Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- This was a fic that I started reading a long time ago, but somehow lost and couldn’t find it again. But I finally found it and the joy I felt was unparalleled. (My little clown heart could barely take it) Dean is a heart surgeon. He’s frickin good at it to... Maybe even one of the best in the US. He knows everything there is to know about the human heart. (“Anatomically speaking”) He���s just transferred to a new hospital and the head nurse is totally hot. And Dean also happens to make a fool of himself in front of said nurse on his very first day at the hospital. From there, it seems that despite his best efforts, Cas doesn’t like Dean at all. (And EVERYONE likes Dean so, what the hell?) Dean thinks his crush will go away if he can just get all that tension out of his system... Boy was he wrong. I LOVE this fic and I am so glad I was able to find it again. I especially liked how all the hospital staff were all familiar faces. 😊 

102. What happened between me and Cas* by @AthenaErrata – Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- This right here?? Broke me. BROKE ME I TELL YOU. (*Clears throat) This is a coda set just after 11x19 episode The Chitters, in which Dean finally tells Sam everything. The secret kisses, stolen touches. The betrayals, the lies, the guilt. Everything. All the things involving Cas that Dean promised himself he would never tell another soul. Dean retells events from seasons 4 to 11 and gives a bit more info into just why he and Cas can never truly be happy together. The fic continues into a canon-compliant tale all the way until a beautiful happy reunion set in 13x06 episode Tombstone. 

103. True Faces* by @Tibbins – Archive of Our Own.  

Thoughts- I'm pretty sure that this author has featured on this rec list a couple times before. Tibbins is one of my favourite SPN writers of all time. This is a trilogy verse in which Dean, Sam, and Cas tell some truths that should have been shared a LONG time ago. In the first one, titled “Behind the Mask”, Dean convinces Sam to open up about some things that has been bothering him and Sam finally sheds some light on what it was like being tortured by Lucifer. The second, titled “In the Mind”, follows Dean as he opens up to Sam following the conversation from the first fic. He tells Sam more of what happened in Hell and why he will never really be able to wipe the blood off his hands. The last fic (Which is pre slash Destiel) titled “Under the Skin”, Cas gets to discuss with Dean the things that haunt the angel’s mind. The last one is especially painful... Though the two finally admit their feelings for one another, Dean explains to Cas why he just isn’t ready yet. It’s sad, but it has a hopeful ending.

104. In My Time of Vinyl by @freclesarechocolate - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts- First off, damn! This fic is one to pull at your heartstrings. I am a a shameless lover of hurt!Dean and this fic delivers beautifully. Cas, driven to seek shelter from the rain, enters the record shop owned by Dean. Dean is sweet and offers shelter for the night and Cas ends up promising to come back to buy some records. The two create a fast friendship but Cas ends up noticing some things that are a little off with Dean. He’s always smiling, but sometimes the smiles can’t cover up the sadness in his eyes. He doesn’t talk about his family or his past, and he never seems to have a lot of food in his fridge. This is a story of coming to terms with mental health, friendship, love, trust, and letting others help you. I absolutely recommend this fic! Quick warning, however, Dean has a very troubled life and his story is no picnic ride. Be sure to check out the tags before reading.

105. Hunter’s Caress*** by @Ltleflrt - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts- This is probably in my top five most favourite Destiel fics of all time. I have read this fic all the way through at least twice now. The story follows Castiel Jameson, a Pinkerton Detective, who is on a quest to revenge his murdered brother. He seeks the help of the outlaw Dean Winchester, a dangerous man who supposedly has enough blood on his hands to fill an ocean. Cas saves Dean and his brother Sam from being hung in exchange for their assistance in tracking the rat bastard who killed his brother. The two start out as enemies, then to begrudging allies, friend, and maybe even something more. Cas tries to keep his mind on business, but he aches to learn the feeling of a Hunter’s Caress. 20/10. Be warned though, this fic gets pretty gritty. The world of hunters and outlaws is messy and dangerous. This fic deals with death, injury, rape, and worse. Be careful before heading in but I assure you, this fic will not disappoint.

106. Love Bites* by @malmuses - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts- MalMuses is one of the best fic writers out there. A true legend in the SPN fandom! This fic is one of my favourite as it features Creature!Dean x Human!Castiel. In this fic, Cas takes in a bat that his cat got a hold of. Cas knows that there’s something special about this bat. He seems to understand human speech and loves hamburgers. But even stranger, his eyes are the exact same green as the cute mechanic who comes into the coffee shop sometimes.

!107-117. All of these are just codas set for post 15x18 and for post finale/finale rewrites. They are pretty much very similar. Dean breaks down and Sam is left to pick up the pieces. Most, if not all, have happy/hopeful endings.

107. Everything is Blue  by @malmuses - AO3

108. Tag to “Despair” by @Alvinola- AO3

109. Time by @Chipper99- AO3

110. When It All Crashes Down by @spacegirlstuff - AO3

111. Through the clouds by @judithhandronicus - AO3

112. Because it is by @60r3d0m - AO3

113. the burden of belonging by @Newtondale - AO3

114. Counting the days by @WanderUntilLost - AO3

115. The Weight of Silence by @jscribbles - AO3

116. As It Should Be by @Loser_Angel_666 - AO3

117. When you have a home by @Firebog - Archive of Our Own.

118. What’s Left Unsaid (Is Finally Said) by @A_Place_To_Roam - Archive of Our Own. 

119. When you have a future by @Firebog - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts- This is a lovely fic in which Sam succeeds in closing Hell and Castiel is able to board up Heaven. Everyone lives happily-ever-after. No looming Apocalypse, no higher power, no fate. Found family is the only thing that remains. But Dean is left with this strange feeling rolling around in his gut. Like he’s waiting for the next disaster to happen. Meanwhile Sam learns about dog poetry from Castiel, Team Free Will gets pet rabbits (named after porn stars), Dean finally gets his head out of his ass, and Sam learns something shocking about his older brother.

120. Remarkable by @shiphitsthefan - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts- Castiel’s the new elementary school teacher in town. One of his classmates, one Ben Braeden, has a father who is just as annoying as was promised. Dean’s “helpful” books and readings he brings Castiel about being more socially aware get easily dismissed as overly-involved-parent-crap. But that all changes after Castiel reads Ben Braeden’s essay assignment.

121. (Dis) Affection by @justkeeponwriting - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts - This fic!!!!! This fic is soo frickin adorable. Dean and Cas’ nosy friends set them up on a blind date. Neither of them is very happy so they devise an epic plan of revenge. Act like the most disgustingly in love couple ever and then have a terrible public breakup. Hopefully their friends will feel so guilty that they never try to set the two up again. The plan goes amazingly. Dean and Cas find it easy to fake being a newly in love couple... Almost too easily.

122. Uniform of a Winchester******** by @monsterfuckerdean - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts- Its fics like these that I think set the SPN fandom apart from others. The thought put into these works makes them so real, so painstakingly relatable, make the characters come to life both on screen and in words. This is a heartbreaking character study of Dean Winchester. The author gives the reader a glimpse into the backstory behind Dean’s jewelry. The skull bracelet given to him by Missouri, the ring given to him by a childhood friend named Lee Webb, and more. This fic will break your heart. And if you’re like me, you won’t be able to find another fic that comes anywhere close to it. (If you do, please give it to me.) I’ve read this fic many times over. I take this fic as canon, completely and utterly. Dean Winchester is written so perfectly that the writers of the show are frickin jealous.

123. In Someone Else’s Life by @blue_morning - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts- A classic Destiel wedding trope! Cas, along with his obnoxious-but-lovable brother Gabriel, accidentally crash a stranger’s wedding. Cas meets Jessica, the lucky bride, along with Sam, the best man. But its the groom with beautiful green eyes that Castiel can’t take his eyes off of. Assumptions are made, embarrassment ensues, and maybe... just maybe, happily ever afters do really happen.

124. Nobody’s Fault But Mine by @peanutbutterjelly-pie - Archive of Our Own.

Thoughts- Oh! the fluff! Its killing me. Cas meets Dean and Sam Winchester. Both ridiculously attractive and both total sweethearts. But Castiel finds himself falling for Sam, the older brother with the beautiful green eyes. Too bad he’s getting married to Jessica in a few weeks... Tee hee hee. It’s glorious.

#destiel+ficlet #Destiel #destiel fluff #destiel feels #SPN #SPNFamily #supernatural #supernatural fanfiction #Sam Winchester #dean winchester #castiel #charlie bradbury #crowley #deancas #dean winchester fanfiction #castiel fanfiction #dean whump #castiel whump #clownin' around

[blushingbarnes]

seven types of love (3)

Series summary: There are seven different types of love, and over the course of knowing you, Bucky experiences every single one.

warnings: boyfriends being toxic and verbally abusive. slow burn

~series masterlist~

~agape- a universal type of love~

You look at the cup, then back at your phone, back to the cup, and back to the phone.

It had been 20 minutes since you’d gotten home, and you’d been debating texting the number ever since.

It wasn’t an unusual thing for a friend to give you their number, right? But then again, Bucky wasn’t exactly a normal friend.

You shake yourself out of your thoughts, and pick up your phone. You type the number into your phone, and hover your fingers over the keyboard.

You should be teasing right? Make a joke? You haven’t started a new text conversation in ages.

Wait, why are you thinking about this so much? It doesn’t matter, it’s not like you’re trying to flirt with him.

You decide to start with “You couldn’t have thought of a better joke?” Simple, and he would probably understand that it was you.

After sending the text, you created a contact. You saved the name as ‘B’. That way, Will wouldn’t freak out that you had Bucky’s number.

You check the time, it’s about 3:15. You decided to put a show on in the background while you wrote some notes for some of your upcoming sessions.

You put on Criminal Minds, and began to work.

About 15 minutes later, your phone dinged. You checked it, and read the message.

“I only had about 30 seconds to write the message sweetheart, I couldn’t think of a better one.” The message read. You laughed to yourself, and wrote something back.

“So are you sneaking your phone at work, or are you off now?” You asked, and set your phone down.

You attempt to get back to work, but soon realize that you can’t. Your mind was clouded, and you kept on checking your phone.

You hadn’t felt this way since high school, checking your phone obsessively to talk to a boy.

You chalked it up to just being excited to have a new friend. Recently, work has been eating you alive, and you haven't had much time for anything else.

Reminded that you haven’t had time to do anything else, you go to your fridge to see if you need to stock up on any essentials. As you are making a mental list, you hear your phone ding again.

You move embarrassingly fast back to the living room to check your phone.

Yet it’s not a text from Bucky, but from Will.

“Wanna hang out later” The text reads.

“Of course” You reply, locking your phone. Almost as soon as you do that, your phone screen turns on again, this time from two texts.

“Ok cool i’ll pick you up in like an hour” Will’s text reads. You reply with a simple okay.

Bucky’s text says ‘I’m sorry for the late response. I was driving home from work, so i guess that answers your question ;)’ This is followed up by another text. ‘Besides, how could i make all of the fancy drinks at the shop if i’m distracted by my phone?’

You smile as you text back, ‘That’s definitely true, the latte art you do is too pretty for you to be distracted.’

You see the typing icon almost as soon as you send the text. You can’t help but think that Bucky is also sitting there, with his phone open on the messages, expecting your text.

“What can I say doll, I’m the best of the best :P” Bucky types. “What are you up to this evening?”

“Just hanging out with Will, you?” After you send that message, you head to your bathroom to begin fixing your hair to see Will.

Your phone lights up beside you on your bathroom counter.

“Just a night in for me, might be with my buddy Sam.” Bucky replies.

“Nice, I probably won’t reply for a while, Will is probably going to be here soon. Don’t miss me too much.”

“I can’t promise anything darling :)” Bucky says.

You set your phone down, and continue getting ready.

~

Later, you’re in the car with Will. You guys are just going to get a quick bite to eat before you hang out at the house.

“All I’m saying is that aliens don’t exist. We are definitely the highest thing that there is.” Will says, one hand on the steering wheel, and one gesturing.

“Well now you’re just being ignorant, there’s now way out of all the planets and solar systems that we are the only things out there. Even the only survivable planet!” You exclaim, throwing your hands down in a fit.

“Nevermind, I’m not starting a fight over a stupid thing.” Will says, shaking his head.

“I’m just saying it doesn’t make sense for you to-”

“Shut up!” Will almost yells. “Goddamn, I say nevermind and you just keep going on.” He sighs.

“Don’t talk to me like that.” You say, standing your ground.

“Whatever, we’re going home.” Will says, switching lanes to turn around to go back to your house.

You sit in disbelief, and turn your head towards your window. You begin to pick at your fingernails, a nervous habit that you had picked up during childhood.

Will pulls up at your apartment building. “So.” He says, and looks at you in an expectant manner.

“What?” You ask, eyes wide with confusion.

“Are you ready to apologize?” Will asks, with clear arrogance on his face.

“What on earth would I have to apologize for?” You exclaim, in probably a too harsh tone of voice.

“I don’t know, maybe for calling me ignorant?” Will says, crossing his arms.

“I’m not apologizing.” You say, and pick up your bag, and begin to get out of the car. You halt for a moment, and slump slightly back into your seat.

“I love you.” You say, looking towards him.

“Love you too.” Will says, and looks out the window.

You sigh, and get out of the car to walk to your apartment.

You throw your keys onto the table, and head to your room. You flop down face-first onto the bed.

You lay like this for a moment, then you turn your head, and pick up your phone.

You go to your message thread with Bucky.

“Would you like to hang out sometime?” You ask, and then immediately put your phone face down, not wanting to read the answer.

The reply takes a few minutes, but it comes.

“I thought you’d never ask, when are you free?” Bucky asks.

You let out a sigh of relief. You check your schedule for the next day. ‘Tomorrow after work? I’m pretty much free after 4.”

“Sounds good. I’ll pick you up and then we’ll see what to do from there?” Bucky suggests.

You agree, and give him your address.

~

Bucky smiles as he sets his phone down next to him on the couch. He glances back to whatever game Sam had wanted to watch this time.

“Are you talking to that girl who has a boyfriend?” Sam asks, looking over at Bucky.

“No.” Bucky scoffs, and Sam looks at him, knowing that Bucky is lying. “Okay, fine, yes.” Bucky admits.

“You’re gonna get ya’self killed man.” Sam says, laughing and shaking his head.

“We’re just friends.” Bucky says, a blush covering his cheeks.

“Keep telling yourself that.” Sam teases.

~

The next day, Bucky is quite literally counting down the seconds until he gets off work. He makes the drinks faster, maybe in hope that that makes the day go by faster.

That is until you come in.

Peter switches, Bucky takes your order.

“Hot date tonight ma’am?” Bucky asks, taking in your appearance, but not necessarily in a creepy way.

“You wish Barnes.” You laugh. “Can I get a vanilla latte?” You ask.

“Of course darling, I’ll pick you up around 6, okay?” Bucky confirms.

“Sounds good.” You smile, and begin to take out your wallet.

“Don’t worry, it’s on me.” Bucky smiles.

“Oh, thank you.” You seem a bit flustered, but accept.

When you get your drink and are about to walk out of the shop, you wave to Bucky.

“See ya later doll!” Bucky waves.

“Did you finally get a date with that girl?” Peter asks him. Bucky looks at him with a glare. “Nah kid, she’s got a boyfriend. We’re just friends”

Peter rolls his eyes, “Okay…” Peter says, his voice laced with disbelief. Bucky hits him lightly.

~

Hours later, Bucky pulls into your apartment parking lot.

He texts you “I’m here :)” and waits patiently in his car.

Then, he sees you. Most of the other times he’s seen you, you are coming to or from work. He doesn’t get to see your casual wear too often.

But he loves it, the black jeans and blue graphic tee that you’re sporting.

He is torn from his thoughts when you open the door. “Hey Bucky!” You smile as you get into the car.

“Hey Y/n.” Bucky softly smiles.

“So, where are we going?” You ask as you buckle your seatbelt.

“I was thinking, there’s a little strip that I know of with a bunch of cool shops and restaurants, so we can sort of pick around there?” Bucky says, hope in his eyes.

“Sounds good.” You say, smiling.

In the car, Bucky asks for more details about your job, claiming you know so much about his.

He notices the way that your eyes light up when you talk about it, he loves it.

Bucky parks a good amount away from where everything is as it nears dusk.

“Cmon, follow me.” Bucky says, unbuckling his seatbelt. He would’ve opened your door, but you were already out of the car.

As you two are walking, you admire all of the cute boutiques and stores. Bucky notices that you’ve complimented many people, telling them you like their hair, and other things.

Bucky’s heart swells, and he thinks about how much you share your heart with the world, it makes him happy.

Bucky sees an ice cream store, and directs your attention to it. “Want to get ice cream?” Bucky’s points.

“Sure!” You say, and begin to walk towards the shop.

The bell rings as you enter, and Bucky sees your smile grow.

“I love the 50s!” You say, taking in the fact that the shop is 50s themed, with decor all around.

You walk up to the counter, and begin to order, “Can I get a medium german chocolate?” You say, smiling at the older man working the shop.

“Of course dear.” He smiles, and turns to Bucky.

“Just a medium cookie dough.” He smiles, and gets out his wallet. Bucky hands the man the card, and looks at you.

“You already paid for my coffee today, and now you gotta pay for my ice cream?” You ask, it being obvious that you’re fake offended.

“I‘ve gotta share the obvious wealth I have sweetie, us baristas make millions.” Bucky says, a smile on his face.

You playfully roll your eyes, and wait to receive your ice cream.

Once you do, you thank the man; and you and Bucky sit down on the chairs provided. You two get on the topic of Bucky’s younger sister, Rebecca, and all of the antics she used to pull. You bond over how your younger sibling used to do similar things.

Once you’re finished, you throw away your container, and walk out of the shop.

You’re drawn to the music that you can softly hear, and begin to walk towards it.

You reach the small amphitheater that the music is coming from. The small jazz band had their cases open, so you dropped a few ones in there.

You begin to sway to the soft music, and then turn to Bucky. “May I have this dance m’lady.” You ask, tipping an imaginary hat.

Bucky laughs, taking the hand you had outstretched. Bucky ends up taking the lead, because that’s what he’s used to.

He looks into your eyes as you dance, getting lost in them. He feels like he can see the rest of his life through your eyes.

He’s snapped out of the trance when you accidentally step on his feet. “Ahh, sorry, I’m not good at this.” You say, regret on your face.

“It’s okay, doll, I'll show you.” He says, and begins to show you the steps.

“There… you’re getting it.” Bucky smiles.

Bucky spins you, and when you turn back to Bucky, you’re awfully close.

You and Bucky’s foreheads are almost touching, and your eyes are locked.

Bucky’s head is racing, and he doesn’t know what to do. His eyes dart to your lips, and back to your eyes. He just wants to know what you’re thinking. He licks his lips almost on instinct.

You clear your throat, and Bucky steps away from you, clearing his throat as well.

“It’s getting late right?” He asks, checking the non-existent watch on his wrist.

“Yeah, it is.” You say, trying to hide your blush in the dim light.

“I’ll take you home, cmon.” Bucky says, letting you go in front of him.

Bucky tries to make conversation, but the rest of the way home is filled with awkward silence

***

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[smokinholsters]

A Decision at the Crossroads

A Heartland AU - Chapter 4 – Finale

While Ty went to fetch his phone Amy popped open one of the side panels on the trailer and unsnapped the table that was first in line. She reached her arms wide to grab it and start lifting it out when Ty showed up.

“Whoa easy Amy, I’ll get it.”

“I’m fine.”

“Of course you are now back up please.”

“Thank you Ty.” She said and stepped aside “and 5 of the chairs please.”

“Six actually Kelsey’s coming.”

“Kelsey ?”

“Dr. Burton, my namesake apparently.” He said laying the table on it’s side and unfolding the legs. “Hey, this is nice set up.”

“We take trips with kids, believe me a table is always easier and cleaner than watching them balance plates. Besides it’s more homey and civilized.”

“I’ll file that away” he said maneuvering the table and then placing chairs as Amy opened and gave them a wipe with a damp cloth as well as the table. She had also removed a little basket with a tablecloth sealed in a zip loc bag, and began to spread it. As well as counting out silverware found in the basket as well.

“Ty there’s another basket with plates and more pitchers.” She said watching him walk over as she grabbed one pitcher from her now empty basket and put it on the table.

They set the table together, each handling three settings and Amy ran in for a roll of paper towels. He watched as she took a second to look at the table, nodded and walked over to lower herself into a chair slowly. She was wearing a blue dungaree dress that went down to her knees, it had ¾ sleeves and embroidery along the hem and collar. Obviously a maternity dress, he was captivated by her shape.

“You need to stop staring at me Ty, I’m becoming very self conscious, I already think I look like a beach ball.”

“You don’t, I’m sorry, you look great. Two kids, one on the way, I’m, I don’t know….”

“Three actually, you’re the first to hear, Clint Riley called, they have a foster for us, a young boy named Luke Kashani, he’s nine. Clint’s bringing him Monday.”

“Clint Riley, he’s still around huh. That’s nice, keeping that tradition going.”

“Yeah, Scott, you, Georgie, remember Badger, it’s nice.”

“Mitch mentioned Georgie and something with Lou, he also told me about the divorce.”

“Georgie was an orphan who ran away from her foster family in Okotoks, she stowed away in Grandpa’s pickup and found her way to Heartland. She was a keeper. The divorce is what it was I guess, it’s now amicable with benefits apparently, works for them.”

“Georgie lives with Lou at Heartland ?”

“Lou took a condo in town when she became Mayor and lives there with Katie. We fixed up the loft when I got back from Europe as a nice studio and I lived there alone and then with Mitch for awhile before moving to Saddle River, his family ranch, his parents have an independent living condo in Calgary. Georgie and Quinn are engaged and live in the loft, Grandpa and Lisa live in the house.”

“I heard Jack married Lisa, I saw an article about the Hall of Fame that mentioned it. I’m sorry about your dad Amy, I read about his passing.”

“The death of a legend, it was a nice tribute.”

“I saw a tribute to Lou as Mayor too, ordering the stay in place at home and closing Maggie’s early on definitely seemed to make a difference in the area.”

“It did and I think she’ll be remembered for that, this is her last term, she’s not running again. Enough about Hudson, tell me about you, is there someone special, Kelsey maybe ?”

“Nah, Kelsey and I never, there have been women over the years but I’m free now, I’m picky I guess.”

“Well when it happens you’ll know.”

“You and Mitch look happy.”

“We are, very happy.”

“How’s Jack ?”

“Older, pretty much retired, his arthritis, heart problems, a hard 90, for a former bronc rider and Alberta cowboy not fun.”

“Lisa ?”

“Lisa’s good, the perfect grandmother, she loves the kids. So does Casey, Lyndy adores them both. Mitch’s folks too.”

“Casey, I know this.”

“McMurtry.”

“Right, McMurtry Rodeos, they come around every couple years.”

She noticed quickly enough that he had changed the subject. “Ty ? Are you happy ?”

Ty looked at her and into her eyes, Amy could see that he wasn’t teary but there was disappointment, a small sadness in his face “I guess, I mean I don’t think I’m unhappy.”

“Were you happier yesterday ? Mitch said he thought you might be having a case of the might have beens.”

“I didn’t need to see you for that. The baby was eye popping don’t get me wrong and not in a bad way Amy, you look amazing, really the, well,  the high school boyfriend comment, that sort of slammed a world of reality down on me.”

“That’s what we were, we were an actual couple for most of my high school 3rd year, my senior year was a nightmare, we were way better as friends than as a couple Ty, we were a lousy couple.” She was smiling and not being harsh, her tone somewhat softly nostalgic, it was in fact a long time ago.

“Come on, that’s a bit extreme don’t you think ?”

“Really ? You really think ?” She said,  again somewhat amused and again not in anything more than the nostalgia of it “we had a good few months, you know Kit and the Quarantine and then I won the Ring of Fire and rather than joining me and perhaps a later bike trip in the summer to see some of the world you decided that you needed to go off alone for a few weeks. So, after the excitement of motels with my dad on tour and while I spent the rest of the summer working and doing what used to be your job on top of mine you came home almost 4 months later with a huge dose of misplaced maturity and Blair. Then Chase stuck his nose in, we were a good couple for 7 months, maybe. Look Ty, I know about what Grandpa did and he told me what led up to that talk and him sending you off. I don’t know what brought you to that point or why you didn’t come home, but it was your decision, we all had to live with your decision.”

“Looking back, I don’t know either honestly.”

“And I don’t know what would have happened if you had but I do know this, my life with Mitch and our kids feels so right to me that I can’t imagine life without him being a part of it, I’m not saying this to hurt you Ty, but your best days are still ahead of you.”

“So this is the honest conversation part we didn’t do back then huh ?”

“This is it.”

“How do you do it and go on together ?”

“You say it, get it out of your system and have sex, then you fix it in the morning.” She answered smiling.

“Well to be fair we weren’t, at the time, you know.” He said smiling.

“That’s true”, Amy agreed and immediately blushed and then agreed with a smirky smile and a nod, “hey, you’ve,  you know, since, right ?”

“Huh ?” Then realizing she meant had sex, “oh, oh yeah, no worries.”

“So, you’re still driving a classic truck I see, what’s that an early 70’s GMC ?”

“Yeah,’73, hey, whatever happened to Harley and Old Blue ?”

“After a while Caleb took Harley because, well, it broke my heart to see him every day and he eventually found him a nice home with a couple kids who were going to share him.”

“Sorry, I really wanted to,,,,, forget it. And the truck ?”

“Grandpa kept the truck running and in front of the house for months figuring if nothing else you’d show up in the night and drive it off but you didn’t and one day it wouldn’t start so he hauled it next to Goldie swearing he’d fix it one day.”

“So it’s just sitting there rotting ?”

“Well no actually, about the time Caleb sold Harley I was sick of looking at it so I got rid of it.”

“You sold it.”

“Well, in the interest of honesty, not exactly.”

“What does that mean, exactly ?”

“I attached the promise ring to the ignition key and had it crushed.”

“You had it crushed ?”

“I needed closure Ty, it was invigorating, a grand release of emotions.”

Ty stared at her for a few seconds in shock and then Amy started laughing and then holding her stomach bent over and laughing. “I’m sorry Ty.”

“It’s Ok” he said laughing along with her.

“Oh here, give me your hand.” She said reaching out, she loves it when I laugh “come on silly give me your hand” she prodded seeing the look on his face.

Finally she grabbed his hand and hauled it over, “come here I don’t bite,” gently she turned his palm and lay it over the right side of her belly holding her hand over his. A few seconds later she smiled, “there, feel that ?”

When she stretched out her leg rather than kicking Ty identified a second feeling and realizing it was really no different that any animal understood “that’s a stretch.”

“That’s it” she said gently releasing the pressure. “I think we’ll call her Marion, it’s time. Marion Fleming Cutty.”

“That’s really great, so Lyndy.”

“Lyndy Sarah, Mitch’s grandmother. Jackson Timothy and Marion no middle yet.”

“And Luke was it ?”

“Luke Kashani. I guess we’ll need something for a toast, is there a place to get some wine close by ?

“I have beer for dinner and a couple bottles of champagne I can donate to the cause. You drink ?”

“Oh no, I‘ve had a couple sips of champagne as toasts, wedding night and the like, but not, no, I don’t. Especially pregnant.”

“It was just a question Amy.”

She smiled and nodded, “you wouldn’t by any chance have any ice in there for the water ?”

“There’s an ice machine in the barn for ice packs and stuff.”

“You get the champagne, I’ll do the ice.” She said pushing herself up with a grunt.

He smiled watching her move, almost awkwardly, before turning to the house while she walked slowly into the barn.

She wasn’t at the table when he returned and neither were the pitchers so he walked over to the barn where he found the pitchers full of ice on a small table by the barn door and then heard her on the other side by the paddock. Following her voice he turned around the barn and found her engrossed in conversation with the three rescues she had never met. He stood there watching her and the horses who seemed very anxious to be close. The soft sing song pater of her voice a sweet memory for him, the miracle girl.

She turned and smiled “Oh hey, I saw them and figured I’d say hi. We should probably get them stalled and fed.”

“As soon as the guys get back we’ll get it done, you’re wearing a dress, come on.”

They returned to the table after Ty filled the cooler he carried out with ice as well, as a truck Amy did not know pulled up and an early 40’s woman stepped out and over. She had a welcoming smile and a pretty face.

Amy looked up and smiled, “you must be Kelsey, it’s good to meet you, I’m Amy Fleming, Mitch’s wife” she finished extending her hand.

“Kelsey Burton, good to meet you Amy,”

“Sit, relax, we’re waiting for Mitch and Matt to get back.”

“How far along are you if you don’t mind my asking.”

“Little over 5 months I guess, you have kids ?”

“Two, one about to start high school and one about to go to college. Mitch said this is your third, we never got to three before the arguing got too bad, we married way too young.”

They all turned as Mitch’s truck came onto the property, the large Cummins Diesel was not quiet as it pulled up.

Amy smiled when he got out the cab and opened the back door along with Matt repeating the act on the passenger side.

Ty walked off to grab the cooler he had put by the barn and offered beers to all. Amy poured a few waters on her side of the table as Kelsey helped with the food and Mitch and Matt led the horses into the barn.

Once laid out Kelsey examined the table.

“This is a lot of food you guys.” Kelsey said.

Mitch who had come out the barn wiping his hands on a paper towel glanced over at Amy who grinned and him and made a face “don’t you dare.” She said blushing.

“Still eats her weight ?” Ty asked seeing the exchange only to have a dinner roll thrown his way which he caught.

“Hey, what happened to civilized dinner ?” Ty said laughing before sitting down.

Dinner was long and drawn out. Kelsey and Ty talked about the practice, Matt had sheriff stories and Amy and Mitch talked about adventures of their own and their kids. Amy was surprised at the chemistry between Kelsey and Ty and the looks they passed to each other like old friends but maybe something more. Amy was past the age thing, her dad and Casey and Jack and Lisa proved that.  She was not surprised at all that Ty was friends with Kelsey’s kids or that Ty caught every baseball and hockey game her sons played, in and out of school. At one point during a lull in the eating Ty lifted the champagne so that Amy could see.

“Good a time as any.” She said reaching for clean cups and passing them over.

“Champagne, what are we celebrating ?” Mitch asked.

“Us” Amy said as Ty passed cups around after the big pop.

“Why us ?”

“Because sweetheart congratulations are generally tendered when one is told he’s about to become a father, Clint called before, we have a 9 year old foster son arriving Monday morning, Luke Kashani.”

“Luke Kashani, 9 years old, wow.” Mitch repeated.

“Congratulations you two, that’s wonderful” Kelsey announced raising her glass and tapping it to Mitch’s and then Amy’s iced tea that Mitch remembered to get. Soon they were onto 9 year old boy stories and Amy reached out to grab the platter of ribs and dropped them. Not hard but everyone turned to her as she reached for her side.

“Easy girl, mom’s just grabbing for some ribs.” She whispered and then seeing Mitch’s look took his hand as she had Ty’s and then kissed his palm, something she had not done to Ty before placing it on the spot.

“She’s really going at it.” He said smiling and then leaned forward to grab the ribs and bring them closer for Amy who smiled and kissed him before pushing a few onto her plate.

“What do they put in this Cole slaw, it’s always awesome and I can’t figure it out.” Kelsey asked putting some on her plate.

“It’s horseradish” Amy said after swallowing.

“Is this a pregnancy thing ?” Matt asked “heightened palate ?”

Amy shrugged trying to swallow her next bite before answering, “It’s years of studying herbs and alternate remedies. Single ingredients are easy usually unless the tastes are ambiguous like licorice and anise. Or I guess it could be the pregnancy thing” she finished looking up with a smile.

Kelsey was the first to leave, she had to get home to her teenagers. Mitch and Amy said goodbye as they wouldn’t be seeing her in the morning. Matt was game to leave as well, he had an early shift in the morning but promised to stop before they left which was planned for 9:00 AM. Ty helped clear away and helped Mitch with stowing the table and chairs while Amy split the food as Ty insisted they take enough for lunch on the way home. He promised he’s see them in the morning so goodnights were easy.

Later in the evening in the afterglow of their lovemaking Mitch had gone to get some cold water for Amy who settled herself into her current comfortable position, on her left side, pillow between her legs and her arm perched on her belly. Mitch lovingly held the glass out and helped her take a drink without moving much or spilling and then settled as usual behind her, his arm sliding under hers as he leaned forward to kiss her shoulder.

“You had a chance to catch up with Ty ?”

“I did, it was nice.”

“He Ok ?”

“You were a bit right I think, the could have beens but we had a good talk, it went well.”

“Seemed to from my perspective. How about you ? Could have beens ?”

“Not on your life Mitchell Cutty, I couldn’t imagine spending my life with anyone but you.”

“Good to hear and back at you Amy Fleming.”

Amy leaned back as far as she could to catch his lips with hers for a moment before returning to her spot.

In the morning Amy woke to the closing of a car door and a truck start. Peeking out the window she saw Ty’s truck drive off and wondered if he was just getting out without a proper goodbye. When she finally showered and dressed and headed outside with a cup of tea and her breakfast of muffins and clementines she found a note tucked into the trailer door. It said that he was called away for a calving that wasn’t going well but expected to be back by nine when they were scheduled to leave.

Matt arrived after Mitch got his coffee going and decided to wait with them while it perked and join Mitch for a cup. He wasn’t surprised to find Ty gone for an emergency, that was his job as long as Kelsey had kids to get off to school and he was fine with it.

Before he left Matt got a call from Ty and explained that he was almost done but rather than make Mitch and Amy wait he’d meet them for their goodbye as a scenic pull off about 5 miles down the road south, the direction they were heading anyway.

Matt helped them pack up and load the horses, made sure they knew where to go and watched and waved as Amy pulled out first followed by Mitch and the trailer.

They parked and leaned against the overlook fence when Mitch received a text that Ty was on the way. He joined them 10 minutes later full of apologies that they discounted as completed unwarranted and totally understood.

Mitch went first and shook Ty’s hand before a brief bro hug and then walked off to close the trailer that they had opened for the horses benefit.

Amy walked over to Ty and gently ran a finger gently across his brow to move his hair away from his eyes.

“I’d forgotten just how green they were.” She said dropping her hand and smiling.

“Back home ?”

“I have to tell them Ty but we’ll leave contact up to you.”

“Thanks.”

Amy heard the door trailer handle locked into place and took a step forward to reach around Ty for a hug before stepping back.

“Find yourself a woman who loses herself in those eyes Ty and then hold on.”

“I’ll try ?”

“She can be a little older you know.”

“She’s my boss Amy.”

“And soon to be your partner, think about it, you’re a good catch with a big heart Ty Borden, it’s time to stop running. Oh, and I was technically your boss for a while there.” Then she leaned forward and kissed each of his cheeks gently. “Don’t be a stranger, you’d make Grandpa’s day with a call.”

“I will.”

“Goodbye Ty, it’s nice knowing you’re doing well.”

He walked her to her truck as Mitch got into the cab of his and Ty helped Amy in and watched her settle and buckle up before closing her door.

“Bye Amy, It was great seeing you and meeting Mitch.”

Amy smiled and nodded as Ty stepped back and she shifted into drive and drove out followed by Mitch who smiled and waved.

A few miles down the road Amy smiled when the next song was announced and she switched on the truck to truck radio to have Mitch join in when she started singing.

Together, they were the perfect couple.

“Almost heaven, West Virginia

Blue Ridge Mountains, Shenandoah River

Life is old there, older than the trees

Younger than the mountains, growing like a breeze

Country roads, take me home

To the place I belong

West Virginia, mountain mama

Take me home, country roads

All my memories gather 'round her

Miner's lady, stranger to blue water

Dark and dusty, painted on the sky

Misty taste of moonshine, teardrop in my eye ……..”

The End.

#heartland #heartland-fanfiction #amy fleming #ty borden #mitch cutty

[nemobookaholic]

What if…

I don‘t know if this is a mistake or not, but it feels like the universe is giving me signs to do this,… so here I go.

Recently I‘ve started to write a Loki fanfic. I was so anxios about the english grammar, that I asked a friend to check on it. She read it and told me, it‘s not that bad. But she‘s still very busy and even if I asked her, to check on the grammar and send it back to me, it feels like it takes like forever. And this happens to me with all my betas and all the storys I gave away. I‘m still afraid to do this step, but I want it out there. Today it feels, like I have to or miss the chance, so here is the first part of ‚What if…‘ I hope it‘s not that bad and I would be happy about constructive criticism.

What if... Loki where a 21st century woman?

Scene 1

‘I hate this place! Not that I haven’t seen worse, but it’s dangerous, even for me. I’m starving, this whole planet is inhospitable! It’s more than time to leave. Only that using the Tesseract to teleport, takes a lot of power... wouldn’t be that hurtful, if I hadn’t had to escape from, in my opinion, this way too annoying bastard. And he still follows me somehow. By Odin's beard, I should have killed him the time I had the chance. Stabbed him in the back, of course, just without the expected result. Since I’ve left my originally realm, a lot of things happened, mostly not to my satisfaction. Me sitting on the throne I deserve wasn’t one of it. The only higher court is this piece of stone I am sitting on. Would be utterly boring, to rule this world. It doesn’t even deserve that name, it’s a desert. Thinking about it, why not go and visit Midgard again? I haven’t seen my brother in ages and I guess that’s the place to meet him. I gain all the power the planet spare with me and use it, to start a new, different adventure. One that might bring some mischief!’

We see Loki disappear from the stone dessert. Where he sat seconds before, like it would have been the throne of Asgard, legs open and hands on the rocks that surrounded him. Eying the environment with disgust, out of a pale face and dark rings under his bloodshot eyes.

Everything he leaves behind is a blue gleaming, which last for a while, until it fades completely. In the end there is nothing left to proof his short residence.

Scene 2

We are inside a crowd. In a well known theatre, that has an open roof and reminds us of an wooden O. It’s dark outside, but the crowd standing around us, keeps us warm. We stare up to the actors on stage, who are playing a fairy tale in a midsummer night’s dream. Suddenly the people around us start to whisper and raise their heads. We follow their sight to the balcony where a man, bound in leather and with golden horns on his head, stands. Obviously he isn’t part of the cast. Voices, about some promotion gag, becoming louder. How well do we know about Loki from all those movies and comics? But this guy is new and definitely not Matt Damon. As we can see, he isn’t just playing a role and his behaviour is far from method acting. His fascial expressions are extraordinary, like a man who literarily came from another dimension. We can read from his body language, how much he enjoys the crowd cheering at him. Until a sudden change on his face shows us a second of fear, like he had just remembered something. Indeed he is hiding it pretty well, as we start to question our power of observation, thats how fast he got back control.

Loki is leaving gracefully, walking backwards and that’s the last thing we see of him.

‘Those puny mortals are staring at me. They seem pleased by my appearance. It’s joyful to have them cheering at me, quite different to my last visit. Thinking of it makes me realise, I’m not out of danger yet! How could I forget about this stupid Agency, that is somehow connected with Thor. It wasn’t a good idea to show my face to all those people. Maybe one of them is in the crowd, already calling for the bloody Avengers - this time I don’t have an army to my support. Even if I’d decimated their number last time, who can tell if they didn’t recruit more, since I’ve been gone? I’ll have to go now! I’m able to get out of here without losing my face. A god doesn’t run away, even though it would be wise to get disguised for a little while. Of course I could become an animal, but that’s what Thor would expect of me and probably figure it out quickly. No, I have to do something he would never expect. Speaking the spell, I think of all the women I know, with mother leading the way - for fathers sake am I tired! Didn’t even realise it until this very moment. I feel the darkness coming closer, as I slide down some wall, sense my body transforming right before the darkness takes over.’

We caught Loki again, sitting on a corner, head leaning against the wall behind him, eyes closed. His body looks strange. It’s difficult to see the shape of it, like you would try to see trough some fog, surrounding his skin. His hair becomes lighter every second until it reaches the colour of sand. We can’t see it, but even his body shrinks a little. The wardrobe changes from asgardian to, probably stolen out of Natashas closet. Loki wears black jeans, a green t-shirt and a also black leather jacket now. Underneath the shirt a breast starts to grow, while other ‘things’ become less until they disappear. This is so much more than a simple illusion and Loki can be happy about being unconscious, so he doesn’t have to feel the pain of his transformation.

Scene 3

As for Loki, we know he is a clever fellow. Maybe that’s what brings doom on his own occasion. We remember, he is a she now and she’s still sitting there, holding the Tesseract, which slowly slips from her hand.

To give us certainty, yes he used it as a source of power to make a true transformation, not willingly though. He was at a state of weakness, where he didn’t think much about his actions. And he needed the support, as for this world we can sense slight traces of magic. Of course every use of sorcery has it’s price and we can assume, that if Loki had seen the bill, he probably wouldn’t be willing to pay for it.

Anyway, events have been started and we will have to live with the consequences. For Loki it means, that there is an orange circle appearing out of nothing, not noticed by her mindless shell. Just a small one, producing a quiet sound, like wind howling trough grass. Out of this hole in time and space, we see a hand appearing, grabbing for the blue glowing cube. Taking it out of reach for the mischievous god.

She will sleep now, for a long while. Trying to regain some power. What she doesn’t know is the fact, that the dimension she slipped in so careless, doesn’t contain much witchcraft. What, well hopefully, will keep her busy, so the other realms can recover, at least, from her evil deeds.

And her slumber won’t be broken. Not even as two strangers cross Lokis path. For them it’s a broken, but still beautiful woman, sleeping in an unusual place. We sense the compassion on their faces. They share a long moment of silent conversation, just by expressions. The woman, a goth girl, seems to be wary about what she reads in the face of her companion. The guy indeed seems to be unafraid. He gets closer, grabbing Loki at her shoulder, shaking her. She shows no reaction at all.

‘Is she dead?! We should get help,’ the female says.

‘Still breathing. Don’t be such a chicken! I think she might be one of our kind … let’s take her home and allow her to rest,’ the guy replies.

‘You are serious, aren’t you? I can’t believe, I even consider helping you … come on then!’

The both of them take the girl between them, pulling her up, slowly starting the long walk home. It looks rather funny, for Loki is a tall woman and these strangers are smaller than her. They haul her more as you could describe it as carrying, but at least they’ll reach a house that they get into.

Meanwhile Loki still doesn’t move any bone, would have been helpful with the stairs actually. We don’t know if she realises anything of what is happening, but according to the abuse done to her body we may doubt it. Even when they drop her into a bed, she’s like a corpse.

‘Kevin, do you really think this was a good idea?’ the woman asks.

‘Come on Beatrix. Don’t you think it’s what humanity claim from us? I will sit with her and wait until she wakes, if it brings peace to you. You can go to bed if you like.’

The guy smiles at her and she can’t help herself and smiles back.

‘You are too kind for this world, you know?’ she kisses him on the forehead and leaves the room. Giving the burden of a long night’s watch to him, as he’d requested.

Scene 4

‘This must be a dream, I guess it by the fact, that mother is with me. Her soft touch, the calm voice and the love I feel while she looks at me, are far away from me these days. I miss her, knowing well what’s going to happen once I’ll return to Asgard, keeps me away from there. It isn’t my home anymore and that’s what will make her safe. We always had a strong connection, that’s why I believe her, when she tells me, to find my own way. Even if I know perfectly that it’s just a dream, her next words are predictable as she tells me to seek happiness in what I have. Only that I own nothing at all, I was promised a throne! Mothers eyes darken, like she could read my thoughts. She turns her back on me. I call out to her, knowing what’s going to happen next. As in all those dreams before, I see her dying.

No matter how hard I try, I can’t change her fate. It’s like I’m cursed, every time I come close to her, she’s dying.

“Mother …,” it’s just a whisper of disbelieve on my lips, yet it’s enough to wake me from this horrible dream. Watching myself causing her death again and again, doesn’t lose any of it’s horror. Through a shroud of tears I blink my way into reality. I can’t remember what happened. The ceiling I’m staring at, doesn’t look familiar to me. My tong licks over my dry lips, don’t know the last time I actually drank something? My stomach hurts, food seems to be even longer ago. I’m weak and I hate knowing so. I use all my senses, to get more informations about my whereabouts, as I am unable to move. There is some comfort in the way I lie, a pillow under my head and a blanket that keeps me warm. Knowing all this, doesn’t really help me to figure, where I am or how I get here. The try to sit up and have a better view got amiss, I’m far to weak. A sight of surprise escapes my throat and I fall back into the down.

‘Are you finally awake?’ a voice from my right asks and I manage to turn my head, to see who was talking. A redhead caught my sight, he looks quite young. It’s not easy to tell with those Midgardian folks. ‘How are you? Feeling a bit better?’ he smiles at me, trying to make me trust him, I suppose. NOBODY ever ask me, how I feel!

‘Am I your prisoner?’ is the first thing I need to know.

‘No, god no! Why would you think … never mind. Of course you are free to leave any time. But you are also allowed to stay, if you need help,’ is the reply.

I try to figure out what kind of game he’s playing, but it doesn’t occur to me. It makes no sense. I’m staring at him in silence.

‘Don’t know what you had to go trough till now, however I promise you’re perfectly safe with me. Uhm - maybe it calms you - if I tell you that I’m gay? I won’t touch you. And if that isn’t enough, I could call for my flatmate. She helped to bring you here by the way.’

Does that little scum really believe, I, the god of mischief, would be scared by a mortal?! And how does it make things any better, if he adds his sexual interest - oh wait - I completely forgot about the disguise I’m in. Of course he must mistaken me for a weak creature like himself.

‘I am a goddess and not afraid of your puny, gay presence!’ I tell him to demonstrate how less I’m impressed.

‘Uuuuhm, ‘kay?’ now the redhead is staring at me. Not the effect I had in mind. He seems more fascinated than afraid. There is more, even when he’s hiding it well, an expression of anger crosses his mimic for a second. ‘Listen, if I where you, I would think carefully about my next words, cause if you are one of those homophobic assholes, you can go back from where you’ve come!’ Now we have context.

‘Ehehehe. You have no idea who you are talking to, do you? Where I come from, nobody cares about the gender of your love. I didn’t meant to make an insult on that topic, you insisted on being so. I wanted to warn you, that I am dangerous. But as words seem to have no effect on you, take this!’ with these words I grab for the Tesseract in my magic pocket, just to find it isn’t there. ‘Where IS IT? Did you maggots dare to steal the stone from me? I am Loki of Asgard and you are a dead man, if you don’t tell me where you’ve put my belongings!’ I yell at him, this time pulling out a knife. The mortal keeps his hands up in defence.

‘First of all, you didn’t carry any belongings with you, as we picked you up. Second, you really believe all those shit you are saying, don’t you? That’s quite of interest to me and I may be able to help you. Third and last, threaten me with a butterknife hasn’t the impact on me, you might think. I’ve experienced worse, you know,’ he looks at me, like I’ve gone mad. I however look down at my hands to find , well not what I’d expected. What is wrong with this dimension? The knife disappears.

‘Take me back to the place where you’ve found me,’ I press the words through my lips, trying to stand up, failing again.

‘If I promise to get you back there, would you behave for the rest of the day?’ he’s waiting for an answer. As I’ve said enough already, I just mutter my approval. ‘Good. Anyway, you’ll have to wait, cause it is closed right now. We’ll be there by the time it opens, to search for your stone.’

‘Tesseract! It’s a blue glowing cube.’

‘Yeah, whatever. We’ll seek for it, I promise.’

‘Sounds like the stuff Hina keeps talking about,’ a rasping voice comes from outside the room, ‘what kind of freak did we brought in here Kevin?’ a woman appears in the door, examining me and so do I. She has a strange colour of hair, that is somewhere between grey and light blue - but not the right age for it - half of her head is shaved, while on the other side the hair grows over the shoulder. She looks skinny, not in a very healthy way. She might be a warrior. At least her clothes look like she had a fight, all black and ripped into pieces. Now that I’m on the case, I get a closer look on the redhead too. He appears neat and well-fed, nothing unusual about him. Even his style is screaming: “I’m like everybody else.” Maybe except the golden ring in his right ear. I can’t understand, how both of them can be friends, not to talk about the third party, in which room we obviously are. There are colourful pictures all over the walls, a lot of books and art supplies spread across the desk next to the window. How can anybody life here on free will?

‘Does she has a name?’ the woman breaks the silence, asking her friend but still looking at me. He seem uncomfortable with the situation, that’s why I introduce myself.

‘I am Loki of Asgard.’

‘Sure and I’m Jesus Christ! What’s wrong with you?’ she waves her hand in front of her face, I do not know for what reason.

‘I beg your pardon, daughter of Christ, everything is completely fine with me! It’s not my fault, your tiny brains can’t keep up with a god.’ If looks could kill, we would be dead by now. She indeed has something of a warrior.

‘Woah, bitchfight! Calm down ladies,’ Kevin tries to ease the situation. I don’t know if it’s him who finally breaks the ice, or my stomach, that is rumbling loudly into the silence. I’m ashamed because of the betrayal caused by my own body. My cheeks feel hot all of a sudden.

‘See? Maybe we should all have breakfast first, afterwards we can come back to the topic,’ another short silence follows to Kevins words and he must have taken it as agreement, cause he gets up, leaving the room, gently pushing the girl aside. She follows him, not without giving me a last evil look.

My leg slips out of the bed, carefully, followed by the other one. It takes some effort to get up, in the end I stand on my unpleasant feet. Looking down, the difference isn’t to suppress. It was easy with the female voice, as I’m used to different illusions. The new point of view however, let me figure out some things. On my way out of the room I walk past a mirror. After a short glance I have to stop and walk back, to get a closer look. The spell I’ve used works perfectly, way to perfect! I can’t trust mine eyes. My hand wanders across my new face and I can’t but accept the tiny differences. Not that it would bother me, how familiar I still look to myself, it’s more the fact that everything is so damn real. I’ve tried this kind of magic more than once, it never worked quite well. So how come, I was able to work such a difficult spell on the edge of my powers? Something is going on here and I need to find out about it. Plus I need to get the Tesseract back. Thinking back, I’m already sorry, I’ve left the last planet.’

Scene 5

Loki is sitting inside a small kitchen, sipping on a cup of tea, so do his new flatmates. The atmosphere is in low spirits and all we can hear is the noise of their dishes. It’s obvious, the Midgardians don’t believe a single word she had told them, oddly enough they want to help her, for reasons we shall find out, as the story continues. Yet here they are, remain silent, until we start to wonder who’ll be the first one to talk again?

‘Do you feel better now?’ of course it would be Kevin, what did you think? ‘A nice little cupper and some beans with eggs always have been the best way to have a good start into the day, isn’t it?’ he grins like a Cheshire cat, obviously food is his guilt pleasure. Loki just sits in the corner, raising one eyebrow, while Beatrix seems to relax a bit.

‘That’s what I love you for, you know. Just that stupid grin,’ she giggles.

‘What you mean stupid? Is it a crime to be happy after some good food?’ Kevin looks puzzled and Bea starts to laugh. They fill the room with joy, but can’t pass it on to Loki, who still sits in her corner, without moving, or even showing some empathy. There is just this sad look on her face, we can only guess about. Maybe it is, because she’s reminded of all those times she saw Thor and his friends, having fun like that. Or it is, cause she never was a part of the group, but always watched from aside. Probably she doesn’t know it herself, nonetheless it makes her aware of the big gap between them and how impossible it seems, to ever be on that side of the table. To be the one who laughs with friends.

She can’t get away soon enough.

‘Is it time now to seek for my lost item? - Please,’ she adds after a short break. Must have come to her mind, that they’ve shared their food with her, so the try to be a bit more kind isn’t all waisted time. Not that it make her care.

But how can we know, by just watching the expressions on Lokis face? Well we don’t, but we know her well enough to interpret every tiny movement, ain’t we?

‘You see, it wasn’t that hard,’ Kevin smiles again and takes a look onto his watch, ‘we’ll need a bit more patience. One more hour and we can go,’ he tells Loki, who’s wriggling on her chair.

‘I probably shall not feel like it, but I’m still hungry. Glancing at the girl, who has barely even touched her food. I can’t help myself, but staring at her plate in desire. I can’t remember, the last time I have been that hungry, to forget all my manners.

‘Bea love, are you eating any of this yet?’ Kevin must have followed my sight, what makes me look away in shame.

‘Nope,’ is all she says. That’s when he takes the plate and slide it into my direction. I take the offered food and eat it as fast as possible, to not extend this annoying situation. I’m even more ashamed, that I’ve just behaved like my brother would, how pathetic!’

Scene 6

We see Loki and Kevin at the Globe, on the corner where they’ve picked her up. Seeking for the cube, while we can see on her face, how, with every second, she becomes more desperate.

‘It must be here! I’m stuck in this bloody realm if we can’t find it …,’ she mutters in distress.

‘Maybe some stranger picked it up? We can ask, if it was handed over down there?’ Kevin offers.

‘That’s impossible! It’s nothing a mortal could handle!’ she yells at him, throwing her hands in the air.

‘Fine! What would you suggest to do next?!’

‘I DON’T KNOW! I need to think,’ she turns around, walking away.

‘Take your time. I’ll be in the big building next door, if it’s of any interest to you.’

We look after Kevin, as he disappears in the Tate modern, while Loki is taking a walk along the Themse.

‘How? I definitely had escaped the guy and he can’t be that fast in tracking me. It’s impossible. Somebody else must have taken the Tesseract. But who? There is nearly no magic in this world and according to Kevin, nothing like gods or celestial beings to ever be seen. New York wasn’t attacked by the Chitauri and the Avengers are heroes out of comic books. What ever that means. Sure there are a few individuals, who would like to steal the Tesseract, but none of them could come here without it’s powers. What plan could this person follow? It makes no sense … unless … unless they want me to be stuck here. Like a very luxurious prison, I bet Thor or Odin are involved in it! Can’t stand, that I’ve escaped their judgement. To teach me a lesson, probably. Who else would want to keep me here? A world where no ‘harm’ can be done. Pah! Don’t they know me at all, they should know better. A planet with any kind of population can be ruled. Only, this time I need to be smarter. Watching the subjects, learn their habits and find a possibility to submit them. In the end, all of them are going to kneel! Ehehehehe.’

We can’t hear Lokis inner Monolog, but by her evil grin and by the fact, that she turned around and walks quickly into the direction she just came from, we can submit, she has something mischievous in mind.

Scene 7

Loki is entering the Tate, with a couple of tourists. It’s a mystery the guards doesn’t stop her, well maybe not, she must be already aware, of how to use her body the right way. Finally she’s in the building, surrounded by people, who stop, not far from the entrance, to admit the great hall. We can tell from the look an her face, that she isn’t impressed at all. No wonder, there are much bigger buildings in Asgard. Anger is crossing her face. As of course the building is still big and she’ll have to seek for Kevin. She wanders around, visibly relaxing. That’s the magic of art and maybe the place. We follow her, slowly now. Studying one painting after another, strolling through the halls. We might get the impression, she completely forgot about Kevin. She already made it through a few levels, when she spots him. He’s sitting in an armchair, in front of a big glass-wall, staring down at the people walking around downstairs. Loki slips into the chair next to him.

‘Did you find your cube?’ Kevin asks.

‘No …,’ she braces her head into her hands. They sit in silence for a while, watching the people who have the size of ants, from their point of view.

‘Why don’t you look at the paintings, instead of staring down there?’ Loki can’t find much amusement in doing so.

‘I like to study people. That’s my job and I can’t turn it off. Right before you’ve joined me, there was a couple sitting next to me and I’ve been listening to their fight. It was pretty interesting and I might had followed them, if I didn’t figure, you should be up here every minute. I saw you enter the building. Took you a while to find me, aye?’ Kevin leans back in his chair, finally looking at Loki.

‘I have been learning about the midgardian paintings. Some of them are quite beautiful,’ she shrugs her shoulders, ‘so you get payed for spying on people?’ We recognise interest flickering on her face.

‘Hahaha, no. Not in the way you might think. I’m a psychologist-to-be. People come to me and tell me their problems and I’ll analyse how to help them. Explains my manic interest into other peoples behaviour. Talking of it, I thought, you would be an interesting case. Would you allow me, to have a few sessions with you? You don’t have to do it for free of course.’

‘Now he comes to the point, about what he was hiding from me. I knew, this guy was up to something. Waiting patiently for his offer, so I can see, if it’s worth my time. He seems to think for a moment, probably about how to formulate it, before he speaks again.

‘As I’ve figured, you don’t have a place to stay for longer?’ he asks and I nod, ‘so in case you agree, we could come to an arrangement. You can stay in Hinas room, she’ll be away for a while. In return I want an hour every second day, where you will answer my questions honestly. Without any pressure, I promise. How does that sound to you?’

What an unique offer, he surly doesn’t know much about me.

‘I agree, but under one condition, you’ll have to answer my questions too. Do we have a deal?’

We shake hands, no more words needed. This was way too easy.’

#loki of asgard #marvel #loki #fanfic #mcu #mcu fanfiction

[theseadagiodays]

May 4, 2020

This is Not a Performance

Irving H Bolano’s incredible repurposed newspaper fashion for the Met Gala Challenge on Twitter #HFMetGala2020

May the Fourth be With You as you reach the next chapter of this current sci-fi drama we seem to be living through.   As the saying goes, reality can be stranger than fiction.   But it just happens to be a many red-eyed virus rather than an evil, black-masked father that we’re fighting as we all walk around like Storm Troopers.  

There are so many aspects of our lives, during Covid, which make it feel like we are actors in a make-believe story.   First of all, we’ve all become movie stars, with our faces, homes, and even pets showcased on our own silver screens.  As isolated as we are, our private lives now play out in the public sphere more than ever - no paparazzi required.    For some, this invasion of privacy is unwelcomed. But for many people, it satisfies a secret longing to share themselves with a wider audience.  After all, deep down, everyone wants to be seen and heard (I guess, me included, since I have this blog, after all).  It’s why TikTok and YouTube and Facebook have become multi-billion dollar companies so quickly.  And now, while this pandemic is a harsh daily reminder of the impermanence of all things, it makes sense that these digital missives are an attempt to seek immortality, in some strange way.

As someone whose work responds to human’s need to have a voice, I truly get why this is the case.  And I love that this time has turned housewives into opera stars, and health care workers into hip hop dancers, and housepets into circus performers. But, at the same time, I have become very aware of the masks that we wear, even inside our homes, to portray a certain self to the world that may stray quite far from our authentic selves.  The expression “dance like no one is watching” acknowledges the fact that we all tend to perform when we have an audience, and perhaps we’re only truly ourselves when we don’t.   I understand that the way we “perform” ourselves online gives each of us a chance to reinvent the fictions we want our stories to have.   So, while I surely take some guilty pleasure from intimate glimpses into strangers’ lives, I also do so with a certain skepticism about the veracity of what I’m seeing.  

This became particularly true for me when I received a recent link from my friend and amazing singer/songwriter, Dominique Fricot. Capitalizing on this current trend of oversharing, he cleverly asked his fans to film their morning routines for the music video of his new song, Wake Up, by his duo, Flora Falls.  Dom’s warm tenor voice blended with his partner’s breathy tones feel just like a lazy morning in bed.  But I’ll leave it up to you to decide just how accurate these portrayals of people’s idyllic daytime rituals actually are.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=EbsqXou5FeY

May 5, 2020

Homeschool Heroes

About twenty years ago,  I was invited to adjudicate a youth music competition in the Yukon.  Travelling to one of the northernmost inhabited spots on earth, I imagined that my greatest surprise might have been a polar bear or Northern Lights sighting.  But it turned out to be something entirely different.  Among the 25,000 residents of the thriving metropolis of Whitehorse exists a treasure trove of talent.  I could not believe the incredibly honed skills and nuanced expression with which these 11-18 year-olds played.   Wondering why, I developed a theory that I now call SLoW: Sheltered Living Wonder.  When long, dark days, cold climates or pandemics force people indoors, they tend to spend inordinate amounts of time on creative endeavors and skill development.  In other words, they slow down and take time for wonder.

This theory has surely applied during these past few months of sheltering in place.   One of the most remarkable examples has been the inventiveness that many of my friends have brought to their first attempts with homeschooling.   So, I wanted to give a few shout outs to some of these Homeschool Heroes and the highly imaginative projects they’ve done with their kids.

Stunning Easter Eggs made from natural materials and dye, by my friend Jane Cox and her kids  (Botany lesson)

Candy Covid virus, made by Amelia, my friend Jen Sanke’s daughter, as she learned about the virus’ proteins (Biology lesson)

But perhaps the prize for most complex homeschool project has to go to my architect friend, Bryn Davidson, who upon returning from Australia, in late March, had to fully quarantine for 2-weeks.  So, with his 5-year old son Bei as helper, this Physics lesson allowed him to enjoy home delivery beer while in isolation.  Just brilliant!

https://youtu.be/FF9-2dWoUtc

May 6, 2020

Living in livestream

So today, 5 million British Columbian’s awaited our “sentence” with baited breath, as word spread that our provincial prime minister would deliver the Re-Open BC plan at 3 pm.   I have to admit, it felt a bit like when you were “grounded” as an adolescent and then your parents returned certain privileges to you.  Of course, I’m well aware that our province has already been far more licentious than many places around the globe.  We’ve been fortunate to maintain reasonably low numbers of infection (just over 2,000), with counts as low as 8 new cases per day, at this point. So, while our provincial parks closed, our beaches never did.  While we were encouraged, within a reasonable range of home, to be active outdoors, we were not restricted to walks only within the 100 metre radius of our house, as my Israeli friends were.  And while we could still shop at gardening and furniture stores, to make sheltering at home more enjoyable, New Zealanders had nothing but grocery stores and pharmacies open, for two months.  

I have sensed the gratitude my fellow Vancouverites have felt about these privileges.  But that does not mean that we aren’t still anxious to return to other aspects of living which we’ve missed.  When lockdown began, ominously on the Ides of March (the 15th), I’d harboured a secret hope that certain restrictions might be lifted on my birthday (exactly two months later).  And it turns out that Phase Two of the BC ReOpen plan will commence on May 19th, just 4 days later than I’d hoped.  What I most look forward to experiencing again are small gatherings with friends, (we’ll soon be allowed to socialize in public with up to 10 people); meals inside certain restaurants and pubs (those that are able to function within WorkPlace BC’s safety regulations); visits to registered massage therapists; and hugs with select people, (”using one’s own ‘risk assessment’.”)

But in the long-range plan, the harsh reality for artists has been laid out, as Phase Four (which includes resuming large-venue concerts, conventions, and international travel) can not occur until either a vaccine has been developed, an effective treatment plan is widely available, or herd immunity is achieved.  And this is not estimated to occur until mid-2021 or later.  So, the prospects are still bleak for symphony orchestras, opera and dance companies, artists who perform in crowded bars, or musicians who travel for arena shows and festivals.  This likely means that in order to satisfy audiences’ need to access live performance, and for artists to continue to share their creativity,  livestream formats will still have to persist for some time.  Therefore, I thought I’d share a few regular weekly livestream arts events here, both from Vancouver, LA & NY.

Canadian National Live Art Champion, Dmitri Sirenko, who we featured at our non-profit’s annual benefit on February 20th, 2020

Every Monday Night at 7 pm PST (Vancouver) Poetry Slam: https://www.facebook.com/Vancouverpoetryslam/

Every Thursday at 5 pm PST (LA): LIVE Art Battles - Watch painters do their magic in just 20 minutes: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCWJoWGVwzGtk99nTOCib9vg

Every Thursday at 8 pm EST (NY): Spotlight on Plays - famous actors perform readings of theatre pieces, online: https://www.broadwaysbestshows.com/post/the-best-of-series/

May 7, 2020

Collateral Blessings

So many thoughtful writers are adding to the discourse, as we all strive to make meaning from what can feel like a senseliess time.  I have so appreciated the abundance with which people are sharing these missives, right now.  Every day, bursts of inspiration or flickers of insight come my way, thru texts, emails and Facebook.  Like adventurers, traveling together thru the dark of night, we shine light on guideposts, anywhere we can find them, as we collectively quench each other’s thirst for wisdom.  

One of the most profound writings I‘ve recently discovered came from a stranger’s blog.  In The Examined Family, Courtney Martin, without ever diminishing the gravity of the havoc that this virus has wreaked, writes about some of the assets that have also come out of this time.  New friendships with neighbors.  A long-neglected puzzle completed with her kids.   The time to draw and truly notice an artichoke in her back garden. My good friend Juan calls these collateral blessings.  This reference to the accidental gifts that this cruel virus has given us, is a beautiful twist on “collateral damage”, a term coined to explain accidental friendly-fire deaths during the Gulf War.  Commenting on the anticipatory nostalgia that she projects she will feel about certain things, once this time has passed, Courtney writes:

“I instantly feel overwhelmed at the prospect of schedules and stuff. I don’t want to go back to our former accumulation or frenetic pace. I don’t want to stop texting (my neighbor) my little triumphs. I don’t want to forget about the artichokes in the garden. I don’t ever want to forget this happened--the grief and the beauty of it. I’m not even sure that will be possible, but if it were, I wouldn’t want it. I don’t want to vote like it didn’t happen. I don’t want to eat like it didn’t happen. I don’t want to consume like it didn’t happen. I don’t want to schedule like it didn’t happen. I don’t want to mother or daughter or befriend or neighbor like it didn’t happen. I don’t want to sit inside this little life, noticing and appreciating and breathing, like it didn’t happen. There is unnecessary suffering all around me, and inside of me, too, but there is also necessary meaning. May we hold on to that.”      

You can read her full entry here: https://courtney.substack.com/p/unnecessary-suffering-and-necessary?token=eyJ1c2VyX2lkIjo3OTg0NDcyLCJwb3N0X2lkIjozNzU1NDMsIl8iOiJCTnk2VyIsImlhdCI6MTU4NzA1MjgyMCwiZXhwIjoxNTg3MDU2NDIwLCJpc3MiOiJwdWItMjA5MjIiLCJzdWIiOiJwb3N0LXJlYWN0aW9uIn0.puI9NMne-783ypInpvTkJ96T237WcrTo2ItDhqlkMiY

May 8, 2020

Nostalgia

I’m rarely one prone to nostalgia.  My childhood photo albums are in storage.  I have no family heirlooms displayed in my home.  My tendency is to revel in the present or dream about the future.  But this pandemic has strangely turned me into a sentimental fool.  Perhaps this return to simpler times, where we seldom shop, where we wander mostly by foot, or where we get to know our neighbors better, makes us long for the past in certain ways.  

For me, I’ve honored this by resurrecting my daily teenage Twizzler habit - a candy I’ve rarely eaten since then, but that now feels so satisfying during my Netflix & Chill evenings (while watching films almost as old like Groundhog Day & Anchorman).  

I’m also listening a lot to Old School Hip Hop, where the explative-free rhymes of the 90’s feel so strangely innocent.  It’s refreshing to listen to these musicians spit verses that merely celebrate the joys of dance and rap, rather than ranting about gun violence and other societal ills.  Run DMC It’s Tricky (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-O5IHVhWj0) and Beastie Boys Body Movin’ (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvRBUw_Ls2o) happen to be personal favorites.  

Last month, I was tickled by an old memory while planting a lilac bush in my backyard.  I suddenly remembered a story about my college boyfriend, whom I hadn’t thought of in 30 years.  Our relationship started a bit secretively, so as not to hurt his ex’s feelings.  So, one May afternoon, we snuck away to a distant park that was hosting a Lilac Festival.  Unfortunately, our ruse was quickly spoiled when a candid photo of our picnic under the purple blooms was plastered all over the front page of the Rochester Democrat and Chronicle the next morning.  

Another sweet memory returned in culinary form. Every Tuesday, for 7 years, my mother selflessly drove me an hour from home and back, for my flute lesson.  And to break up the long drive, we regularly stopped at Bickford’s Pancake House for my favorite adolescent treat: breakfast for dinner. Their specialty was the Dutch Baby Apple.  And I finally made my first homemade attempt at this deceptively easy delicacy, last Tuesday.  

This has also been a time to return to bedtime stories (some I’ve read to friends’ kids, and others for adults to hear.)  The Great Realisation by British performance artist, Tom Foolery, has been making the social media rounds. But in case you missed this touching tale that looks back on this time as if the tale is being told in a not-so-distant future, it’s a wistful story about some aspects of modern life that we may never long for in the future:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nw5KQMXDiM4

[superfitfor50]

Reflections on ClexaCon

 This was my first ever con. Next month I turn 50 and I’ve never really found my place.  I’ve always felt that there was something…somewhere I should be, that I wasn’t. I’ve got a suspicion that ClexaCon and similar cons is where I should have been.  I am very jetlagged and very tired.  I’m an introvert at heart and without time to reflect and process everything, which is what I didn’t have this last weekend, it was very tough for me and it will take me some time to get over that.  However, I’m a reflector and so far I’ve reflected on my experience and have not been able to find a single negative thing about it.

However, it’s so true what they say: you cannot please all of the people all of the time but ClexaCon has managed to please many people.  Did they get everything right?  No, they didn’t.  Did they get a lot of things right – yes, I think they did. I know there is a lot of Twitter chatter about things they could have done better, and I don’t disagree with any of it.  I feel that it’s extremely important that the organisers of this event (and kudos for the most part) listen and act on feedback that they receive so that this can become a flagship Con in the community.

Honestly, choosing 10 highlights was really hard, and when I’ve reflected some more I may remember other things.  I have already bored my wife rigid talking about it so it’s your turn. These are in no particular order and fair warning, I am Hollstein trash so make of my list what you will.

1.       My first highlight was the Hollstein panel.  These two genuinely wonderful people, who I had the absolute honour of getting to know a little better over the weekend are, honestly, the people that you most want to hang out with.  The panel, moderated by the genuinely insanely talented Dana Piccoli, was a very fitting end to day one.  I was so tired and suffering from excruciating jet lag, but hearing these two talk, and laugh and perform another one of Dana’s epic sketches, with the honourable addition of Annie Briggs, was an absolute joy. I have to share my favourite line on here when the topic of bike safety came up:

Natasha: But are you…you still wear a helmet when you bicycle

Elise:  It’s been a while

Natasha: No, you should

Elise: I know

Natasha: you’re worth more now

Elise (fits of laughter),

Natasha: Insure that shit!

Elise:  That’s hilarious

Natasha: I NEED YOU!! PLEASE WEAR A HELMET!

Elise, we all need you sweetie.

2.       Another highlight was the conversation that surrounded a particular photo op that I had with Kat Barrell, Dominique Provost-Chalkley, Annie Briggs, Natasha Negovanlis, and Elise Bauman, when I asked them if they wouldn’t mind lining themselves up in order of height. So, I won’t go into it but that was the cutest, silliest conversation.

 3.       I had breakfast with Natasha and she is genuinely one of the friendliest, most honest, earnest people that I‘ve met and my profession is literally to meet new people all the time.  There was a point, several points, in the breakfast where, due to the noise of other tables we couldn’t hear what other people were saying and she would ask them to repeat themselves.  However, if she couldn’t hear she would get up, in the middle of her breakfast and go over to that person and talk to them and make sure that she understood what the question was and then she would come back to her seat and ask if everyone had heard it and then she would repeat it and then she would answer it. And to my mind that is one of the most considerate things I’ve ever seen anybody do. She could have just said I can’t hear you, sorry, but she didn’t, she took the time out to talk to people and to make them feel included in the group.  So I’ve been going over and over this again, as I say, I’m a reflector and if I talked too much or hogged the conversation then I‘m truly sorry.  I hope I didn’t.  I don’t think I did but your perception, the perception of people around that table is important to me, so I want to put it out there. I want to put an apology out there.

 4.       Elise’s workshop was TOUGH but so rewarding. I have a big problem with self-esteem, and I have to say the first part of this workshop had me in tears. I hid it well so if you were there don’t feel bad that you didn’t see it. But asking to affirm yourself is something I find very, very difficult and she is a little shiny star and you want to please her.  She’s funny and she’s earnest and she’s just a lovely, genuine person. She was genuinely thrilled by what we created. She wrote us all cards.  These were hand written, hand produced cards that she made for every member of the workshop.  And when I read it, what she’d put inside it, I burst into tears. I’m not going to share what she wrote because that wouldn’t be fair, but it was exactly what I needed to hear at that time, when I felt so overwhelmed with everything after that day.

 5.       Another highlight was the Natasha workshop. I’ve done improv before but, you know, that opportunity to spend an hour with Natasha, being taught by her and just seeing how it differs from what I’ve experienced was amazing. And it was amazing. She was amazing.  She’s open and honest and she’s so involved.  She didn’t stand back, she got involved, she took part in the games, she made so much effort to make sure everyone felt included and able to participate and she was incredible…. but also, it was lovely to see 25 other people coming out of their shell and working with people and seeing them participate.  Some people had not done it before, ever and it was great to see people’s confidence increase and that was an amazing highlight for me.

 6.       Meeting Sarah, or RahRah.  She’s a Vancouverite and she’s an awesome individual and I’m genuinely, genuinely excited to see her again in September when I go to Vancouver. In essence, this highlight goes for anyone that I met, who’s names are too numerous to mention, who I may have interacted with online, and some I never had.  Everyone I met was genuinely warm, friendly and lovely.

 7.       Getting the opportunity to meet the rest of my group chat.  So, I’ve been in a group chat for about 9 months and it was a ClexaCon group chat and obviously we’ve become firm friends online but most of these people I’ve never met before. But when I did, my wife asked me, was it awkward and I’m like no, it wasn’t awkward at all.  It felt like I’d known these people for years. We hung out. We had dinner, we had laughs, we sat together in panels. It was awesome to see them.

 8.       The Clairevoyant panel. These two amazing women.  Annie Briggs and Natasha Negovanlis. Creators, writers, actors, honestly, in my book they can’t do a thing wrong.  I would gladly give my last penny to see a second season, all my money to help them to produce that. The highlight of that particular panel was me overcoming my horrendous fear of asking a question and going up to the mike and prompting a very funny conversation about diva cups.  I was shaking like a leaf both before and after but I’m glad I did it.

 9.       Another highlight was watching Natasha in the improv group.  I was always going to be up for the comedy show and actually bought tickets before I knew she would be performing. She didn’t hog the stage and I wouldn’t expect her to, but she was a glorious addition to that troupe. At one point the improv turned to all things vampire and she knows, she knows how to give her audience what they want because she lifted the rafters when she said she was a vampire and she said it in Carmilla’s voice, of course she did, because she knows that that’s what we want and she has a sense of fun and a sense of occasion and it was amazing to watch.

 10.   My final highlight has to be the Avalance Panel. Caity Lotz was the person that got me into the fandom in the first place with Sara Lance in Arrow.  It was seeing her and others at ClexaCon last year that made me want to go so desperately and, make no mistake, I am Hollstein Trash but the panel with her and Jes Macallan was awesome.  The addition of Katrina Law, temporarily was a sight to behold, if you haven’t seen it please go watch, and to see Jes become so emotional about something and then see the kindness that Caity displayed was so touching.

Other honourable mentions have to go to @comingoutpod and @styriatypical and there were so many other positives, too numerous to mention but significant all the same.

Writing this has been so hard because I had such a positive experience and I know that not everyone had that experience,  I know that I have no comparison that I can make and so I understand that it may not have been great for everyone but my hope is that at least the good outweighed the bad and that everyone had at least something unforgettably good to take away from Vegas.

Our community is fiercely important to me.  Inclusion is fiercely important to me. Anyone who would deliberately seek to exclude anyone, for any reason, has no place in my life. I have no time for those who would misgender, use transphobic/biphobic/panphobic language or in any way make another human being feel less than.

I didn’t meet anyone like that.  These memories will stay with me long after the jet lag is gone, and the rainbow hair grows out. Much love to you all.

#clexacon #hollstein #carmilla #avalance #wayhaught #wynonna earp #fightforwynonna

[dancedance-resolution]

please do not reblog, this is just a personal little note

i’m really happy with how therapy went today

it was my fourth session with my new therapist. i think i like her a lot.

conversations with my new therapist feel a lot more natural than with the old one.

with her, i don’t feel the same sort of pressure that i did with my last therapist. my last therapist gave me extremely rigidly professional vibes. and this new therapist is still appropriately professional of course, but she’s also more casual. she always opens every session with a funny anecdote about her kids, and then sort of uses that as a segue to get me to share something similar, and then based on what i share, she asks a lot of questions that lead us to dive deeper.

conversely, my old therapist always followed a strict script. she first asked me to rate my mood on a scale of 1 to 10 (which i hated doing, because i never knew what my mood actually was other than “vaguely in the middle i suspect question mark”) (thank you alexythemia, lol). then she always asked “is there anything you want to talk about today.” and i would always shake my head no, because the question is too broad to know how to respond. and that’s something my mom and i actually worked on together - starting around age 17, before each session, we’d written down stuff i should mention. but i was rarely able to say the stuff i had prepared, because i couldn’t get myself to say the words (autism symptom maybe? idk). it’s a lot easier for me to talk when i have a narrow, specific question to answer, and if the other person has been talking for a bit before they expect me to talk. and my new therapist does both of these things

and i like that this new therapist is a bit similar to me. she’s fat. she doesn’t wear make up. she was raised catholic. oh, and she has visible tattoos - which i don’t have, but my point here is that she’s not the stereotypical picture of Health Professional. and she knows a lot more about adhd than my old therapist did, and she knows slightly more about autism than my old therapist did (which was Absolutely Nothing, lol).

also, i think that this change in therapists was necessary. i was with my old therapist for 5 years. i started seeing her when i was 14. she had a very specific perception of me based on how i was when she first met me at 14 - a perception which tainted the way she responded to my current problems. and that wasn’t a good thing for me, because my outlook on life and self-understanding have changed a lot since i was 14, in ways that i never was able to articulate to her properly. plus, i was always anxious to reveal anything new to her. like i was afraid she’d get upset if one day i was like, “hey bestie, i know i’ve been seeing you for 5 years already, but i’m just now going to bring up the fact that i’ve had issues with compulsively lying to my father since age 7 uwu.” (i know it’s irrational to fear “failing therapy”, but also, it’s not as irrational as it sounds. because when i was 18, my mom revealed to the therapist that i’ve always been the type of person to cry at the tip of a hat, and my therapist seemed kind of taken aback and frustrated that i never told that to her. and yeah, it is understandable that that would frustrate her, but it unintentionally made me feel really guilty and bad.)

also, this therapist definitely treats me like an adult more than the other one did. i think maybe my old therapist was still stuck on seeing me as that initial terrified 14-year-old. whereas this therapist gives me a lot more agency and has more trust in me to know myself and my needs. our sessions do follow somewhat of a routine, but it’s a routine we worked out together over the course of the first 3 sessions when she was trying to figure out how to make things comfortable for me. (example - at the first session, she asked me what i want out of therapy, and i said, “i don’t know.” she took me at my word, and she didn’t shame me for it. and i think that that experience sorta taught her that she needs to be more specific when asking me questions.)

i also like she’s very open with me about her perception of me. like, today, i told her about how i started crying when a staff member from my community college called me to confirm that i’d cancelled my classes for this summer semester. and my therapist expressed some surprise that i cried because [paraphrasing] “you always seem very put together and articulate during our sessions. sometimes i’m able to hear anxiety in your tone of voice about certain topics, but for the most part, you always seem very emotionally grounded during our sessions.” and her honesty gave us an opportunity to talk about masking. (also, i appreciate knowing that she can hear anxiety in my voice, because i had no idea that was a thing?? like i know you can hear when someone’s voice gets high-pitched and breaks like they’re gonna cry, but i‘ve never done that during one of our sessions? lol, so i guess this is a little fun fact i’ve learned about neurotypicals, that they can detect anxiety in ppl’s voices even if they’re not obviously on the brink of tears lol.)

a few specific things that happened at today’s session that were good:

when i talked about my sleep issues, she actually brought the conversation in a direction i hadn’t expected - she started asking if i’m putting too much pressure on myself regarding productivity. my initial answer was no - i unenrolled from my summer classes. i don’t have a part time job. i don’t have any traditional responsibilities. but upon discussing it, we kinda figured out that i am putting a lot of pressure on myself to enjoy the summer, because i have this sort of doomsday mindset of This Is My Last Summer Break Before I Have To Work Full-Time So I Must Take Advantage Of Every Moment To Enjoy Myself. and that’s unreasonable - it’s a pandemic, i’m recovering from bad burn out, and i’m trying to adjust to new meds. she actually said a lot of things about bodily consent and stuff that i’d already read in the book laziness does not exist, so it was sort of like affirmation and emphasis that those concepts are good, valid, and applicable to me.

she gave me some reassurance regarding my summer schedule. my alarm goes off at 6:20 every weekday morning so i can attend mass. (i’m an atheist, but the structure is very good for me.) but i’ve had some concerns that maybe waking up so early is unhealthy and also contributing to my sleep issues (i unintentionally wake up around 4 almost every morning, and i started to wonder if maybe that’s because my internal clock is anticipating waking up at 6:20). we discussed the pros and cons of waking up for mass in the morning, and she gave me her opinion that this schedule is probably good for me (she agreed with my pro/con assessment). and she also pointed out that i woke up at 6 every morning throughout high school without as much sleep issues, so it’s more likely that the sleep issues are from anxiety. (and i’m going on anxiety meds starting in early july, so we’re hopeful that that will help that a bit.) so yeah, i feel better about my mass schedule, and i feel reassurance that this is a reasonable and good plan. she also said that she was very proud that i had not only the idea to use morning mass as a source of structure but also the discipline to go every morning despite the early hour and despite the fact that i have no external force forcing me to go 🥺 which was nice to hear, because over years of having undiagnosed adhd, i received a lot of messaging that i lack self-discipline, so i was glad to hear the validation that she thinks i’m a disciplined person (at least regarding mass, lol)

we talked about my summer goals, and we talked about possible sources of non-stressful accountability. the current flexible plan is that i’ll keep track of everything i accomplish from that goal list and then share it with her at the end of each session so we can workshop what went well, why it went well, what i’m struggling with, and how i could maybe work through those things better.

i still feel very anxious about this whole therapy thing (i’m still very scared that i’m doing it wrong and not saying the right things), but i felt especially good after today’s session. like, i’ve been in therapy for 5 years. i felt like i plateaued in progress a while ago, so i’m really happy that i managed to get something out of today’s session!!!!! that hasn’t happened in so so long (low key if ever…..).

also. IM PROUD OF MYSELF for sharing stuff with her, correcting her when she misinterpreted one thing i said, and having a positive attitude about how today went 😎. and i’m proud of myself for fending off feelings of guilt that i spent so long typing this out (it’s not wasted time, because it’s helping me process what happened today), and i’m proud that i’m in a place where i’m open to going on anxiety meds.

my life is still a mess. i had a fun little breakdown not even an hour before the therapy session, in fact! but i’ve made some significant progress over these few months - i started meds, i switched therapists, and i started (and am sticking to) a new daily routine. and i had the courage to prioritize my health and cancel my summer semester classes, which was a really hard decision for me! oh, and i also finally published that smutty crucible fic that’s been in my wip folder for over a year!

my mental health is still extremely poor, lol. in fact, one could argue that i’ve regressed in many ways. but guess what bitch!! i don’t have skooter ankle ideation, and also, generally? IM MAKING PROGRESS. that’s what counts. i’m very happy about that, and i’m very proud of myself for that.

#personal #long post #very long post

[nikky-the-writer]

More than friends

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9

Hvitserk x Reader, Ivar x Reader

Masterlist

A/N: Thank you for reading this story!!! 😊

Summary: AU

Reader and Hvitserk are friends with benefits and they are both alright with that, but things will start to change when Ivar moves in with them.

Warning: cursing

When you are a kid you see people who are stuck in their past. You see them struggle to move and to open their hearts again. And when you see it, you tell yourself that you are never going to be like them. At the time you consider them as weak and stupid for wasting their time, but you are not aware of their struggle and you’ll never be. As you grow older you start realizing that you are turning into those people. Those stuck in one place for years. No matter if it seems that they moved on, they didn’t. Their mind is still repeating everything they did wrong on replay. They can never escape because they care too much about the things that are already gone. Just as you were.

You were assaulted. You lost the feeling of being safe. In every stranger's face, you saw a threat. There were sleepless nights for you, terrors and cries in the middle of the night. You were reliving those moments for years because you couldn’t accept that something bad happened to you. Something that made you a victim and you refused to be one. You refused to deal with it. As long as you were doing that, you were delaying your chances of being happy. And it’s time to be realistic you spent six years doing nothing for your heart, you kept on waiting for a change, but it never came because it doesn’t work like that. You have to do something to get results and today was that day. It was the day to look deep in your heart and mind to finally accept who you are.

˝Ivar...˝ You were standing paralyzed in front of him. It seemed so unreal to look back at what you’ve done to both of them. It wasn’t a good decision to leave them, but it was yours. It was your mistake that you had to accept and deal with it. ˝Look...˝, he scratched the back of his neck nervously leaning on the door for better support. ˝We should talk.˝ You took a moment to look at him before answering. He had his hair tide and freshly shaved face. He looked good and you hoped he felt that way too. ˝Come in.˝ You said loud enough for him to hear. He passed by you to the couch. You stood at the door before taking a deep breath and closing it slowly. When you came closer to Ivar he was already sitting with his crutches next to his legs. You sat beside him, but leaving little space between you two. ˝You look good.˝ You said breaking the silence. Ivar blushed, you always had that effect on him and he couldn’t stop it. ˝You too.˝ You only giggled at that ‘cause you knew you looked like a mess. ˝I’m sorry˝, you placed your hand on his palm. Ivar glanced your way confused. ˝You...I’m the one who should be saying that.˝ ˝No, you are not. Let’s be real Ivar.˝ You squeezed his hand smiling sadly. ˝I made wrong choices.˝ Ivar wanted to tell you that that wasn’t right, but he knew that he has to give you a chance to tell him what's been going on inside that head of yours. So, he let you continue, listening carefully. ˝From that day when everything happened, I‘ve made bad decisions. There was nobody to whom I could really talk to because nobody could ever know how it feels. Nobody knows how it feels to be trapped in your own body not being able to break free. I was disgusted by myself because somehow.... you blame yourself and…... the society in which we live doesn’t really help. The blame is always on the victim.˝ The last part you said silently and Ivar immediately put his finger under your chin so that you would look him in the eyes. ˝The society is screwed up. People are too, but not all of them. If anything you should’ve talked to me. You know that I would never let you take the blame.˝ ˝But am I, not the one to blame, not for what happened, but the consequences of my own actions?˝ ˝No! I would help you. I would tell you...˝ ˝Ivar.˝ You let the tear roll down your cheek as you did many times before. ˝You were a kid then, just as me and Hvitserk. We were kids with bad parents, raised by two wonderful people who survived a great loss. And even if I was a kid back then I couldn’t trap you all into my sorrow. It was my own and nobody else's, but that it’s the past.˝ ˝I hope so because I miss my best friend.˝ He smiled at you bringing you closer into his arms. ˝I miss you too.˝

˝Tell me that there won’t be any more secrets between us.˝ Ivar said not letting you go. ˝No more.˝ You whispered into his chest. You could feel the material of his shirt getting wet from your tears. There was a long way for you to recover, but now you had all of the people you loved beside you. At least all except one who meant the most to you. ˝You have to go.˝ His voice was quieter because he placed his chin in the crook of your neck. You pulled away staring in his eyes. ˝He needs you, Y/N. I love you in the way you loved me once, in the way you love him now. I understand. It was always him.˝ ˝Ivar...it was never because of your legs.˝ ˝I know, but it still hurts, but I deserve it. After everything that I thought about you after you left. I deserve to be sad.˝ He lowered his head a bit ashamed. ˝No, you don’t. Of all people alive you deserve to be happy. You are so fucking smart, I just don’t understand why don’t you try to met anyone. There are good people out there as you said.˝ ˝I did try.˝ Now  Ivar was crying. ˝But nobody seems to look further than my legs. You said that I’m smart, but nobody knows that 'cause  they only see me as a cripple, but that’s my burden, not yours.˝ He stared at the ground. ˝What you think of me?˝ You asked quickly. ˝What?˝ ˝Just answer my question.˝ You punched him playfully in the shoulder. ˝I think that you are intelligent, funny, interesting and...˝ He stopped for a second blushing before saying: ˝...beautiful˝ ˝And I love you and you believe me. Then tell me why do you think that nobody out there would be interested in you? If I could love you...despite you being a pain in my ass. There is someone out there for you. But you’ll never find them if you keep going after me. Be honest with yourself. You said that you loved me like I love Hvitserk, but that’s not true, not anymore. You were holding onto that ‘cause you were afraid of losing me, but you won’t. There will always be something between us, how couldn’t it be? But we are best as friends, partners in crime. If you think that you’ll be alone before you met someone, you won’t. I’ll be there for you. I've failed you as a friend once and I’m planning on making up to you.˝ ˝I love you.˝ Ivar smiled finally showing his teeth. The biggest smile you got since he moved in with you. ˝But let's be serious for a second...˝ Ivar said with fake hardness in his voice. ˝Why that idiot?˝ You giggled not able to stop smiling. ˝Because he is my idiot.˝ ˝Good for him ‘cause nobody else wants him.˝ ˝You’ll never change always picking up fights with him.˝ ˝Yeah...˝ Ivar licked his lips nervously almost forgetting the reason why he came. ˝He is really bad, Y/N.˝ You're smiled dropped instantly as his word sunk in. ˝What do you mean?˝ ˝He didn’t leave his room since you left. He didn’t want to let me in, but eventually, he gave in. His hands were bruised and stained with blood and his face with tears. Maybe this will sound cliche, but he can’t be without you. You have to go.˝ Not long after those words left his mouth you drove him back home.

Your heart was heavy in your chest as you stood in front of the room you shared with Hvitserk. Ivar went to his room not wanting to disturb you as you were trying to getter some courage to open the door. When you opened it, you realized that nothing could’ve prepared you for the scene in front of your eyes. Hvitserk was lying on your side on the bed hugging your pillow. He was curled up like a child with his favorite toy. He didn’t even notice that it was you at the door. As you came closer you saw that his eyes were focused on the floor next to the bed. You didn’t know what to say, so you sat on the other edge of the bed. ˝Will you let me hold you?˝ There was no answer only silence as you moved closer to his body. You got your answer when he squeezed your hand pulling you closer to his back.

That night you were his rock. That night you held his head above the water as you both will for each other in the days that follow. You will be there for him and you’ll be there for his brother and all the other people you love. You’ll be there during their ups and downs and you’ll never again let them go. And for the first time in a long time, you knew that you’ll be happy because you buried your past dip below your feet,  finally being free.

@camely09 , @skeletoresinthebasement, @zadyalyss, @alphabet-baby, @som3thingcr3ative, @sweetvengeancee, @no-fate-but-what-we-make, @asenseofadventure, @human-dorito, @ally22042000, @haukrhjarta, @irishhiggins, @tinymoonshine, @alwaysandforeverfangirl,

@seremedyxiii, @radi0active-thoughts, @ballerinafairyprincess, @titty-teetee, @unicorntrooper, @fuckthatfeeling

#ivar the boneless #ivar x reader #hvitserk imagine #hvitserk x reader #ivar ragnarsson #ivar imagine #ivar's heathen army #vikings #vikings imagine #vikings x reader

[picturediary]

23.09.20

23.09.20

… and just like that, a week has passed…

Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?

But I have promised that I wouldn’t pressure myself too much about writing, so it’s what I’m doing.

I wish I could say it’s been an eventful week... but it wasn’t.

I wish I could say it’s been a happy week... but it wasn’t that, either.

I haven’t been well, both physically and mentally. I’ve been listless and lethargic, lacking both drive and motivation to do anything. I’ve been living in my head, too, moving heavy thoughts back and forth in my mind. It wasn’t productive. It wasn’t helpful.

But weeks like this one do exist, don’t they?

And I’ve been trying to be more patient with myself when they happen.

It’s Tuesday again, and tomorrow I’ll be back again at work. I had wanted to do that yesterday already, but I’ve had such a horrible night that it didn’t happen.

But first things first, I suppose:

Thursday, 17.09.20: Tuesday still was a good day. A really good day, I’d say. I stayed at home and tried to rest as much as I could. So I slept in, but my throat and head still bothered me. It was late afternoon that I managed drag myself up from the couch. And it seems trivial, so awfully trivial, but I was excited about the Lush package that was waiting for me in the hallway. It had arrived earlier that day.

This is what I wrote online:

“Maybe it‘s been obvious from my lack of posting, but I have been struggling a bit with Lush in the past months. I thought a lot about consumerism and what dedicating an instagram account dedicated to a company - and thus, consumerism - says about me. I‘ve been very, very disappointed when they took so many products - most of the products I use and love, in fact - from the mainline. I‘ve been disappointed in their products in general, especially bath bombs I bought recently that seemed to be... a bit too old to work. Of course, this year is tough on all of us, and companies need to do what‘s necessary to survive, but still... a bitter aftertaste remained because I can’t shake the feeling that the values Lush promotes officially are not necessarily followed everywhere in that company. That being said, I haven’t been this excited about receiving a Lush package in a very, very long time. I actually squealed sniffing the products. Loudly. I had thought I had gotten a bad case of Lush-nose and that I wasn’t able anymore to smell all the fantastic scents of their products, but that wasn’t the case here. (Which brings me back to the suspicion that they have been selling a lot of old stuff recently that they couldn’t sell during the lockdown.) But there it was: the smell that used to excite me so, so much. And a package full of goodies that made me smile like an idiot. This is Lush as I love it. Exciting, cute, and with so many amazing, unique scents. A little spicy, a little sweet, and so, so comforting. So here it is; my first little Halloween haul (not the last, because I LOVE Halloween)...”

And it’s true. I haven’t been this excited about a Lush package since Christmas, I think. I don’t know if it’s a feeling of nostalgia, or if it’s the autumnal and spicy scents that made me so, so giddy, but I finally felt that magic again.

Last year around this time, on Sept 26th namely, I made the little Lush-appreciation Instagram account. Last autumn wasn’t the calmest, most peaceful seasons of all time, but there were some special things that I carry with me ever since then: the sewing classes, watching horror movies with F in candlelight... and the first time I indulged in the Lush Halloween treats. It’s a very special scent that I have trouble describing, but I was so happy to smell it again. I have become a victim of their marketing strategies, that’s for sure... but then again, is it not okay to consume things that are comforting? Others drink or smoke, and spend hundreds of Euros a year... I indulge in bath bombs. It’s a controversial discussion, I’m aware, but at least I’m not going into it blindly. Not entirely, at least.

Being so excited, I showed F everything and let him sniff and wrinkle his nose about those things. It felt a lot like last year, and that was nice. It was before DT’s devastating email arrived, and although I was sick around this time and worried sick, too... a lot of things were still unspoken, and sometimes that’s a blessing. And a part of me, back then, actually thought there was still hope. Now, I haven’t heard of him for so long, and I’m well aware it might be months or years until I hear of him again. And sometimes that drives me crazy. Sometimes, that makes me so, so angry.

Because of course, there was no answer to my email. Of course not.

I dreamt it, even. And when I woke up on Thursday morning, my first thought was: “Well, it was just a dream. Maybe...?” But the dream came true, and it was no surprise. This whole thing has become so layered, to tangled with negative emotions and so loaded... that I should be grateful about the silence. Why can’t I be? Why am I running after someone who doesn’t want me in their life?

F and I had a long midnight walk; the first in months.

It became a small, much needed routine when the lockdown started. We ventured out in the neighbourhood after midnight. We ventured out into the dark, into the crisp air of early spring, into the mist and glowing golden light of the street lamps. We checked on houses that were built in the past months, we watched the cats of the village, saw a mouse and a wild bunny, and looked up at the stars. It’s a lovely little tradition, and we haven’t done it often enough.

So last Thursday, we did it again, and it was beautiful. The night was so clear that we could see the milky way. It wasn’t too cold yet, but cold enough to walk that bit faster. It’s a strange, beautiful serenity that comes with the night, and I’ve always felt like that.

I hope we can do it more often again soon, but F has been very unbalanced, easily irritated and stressed lately. There is hardly a day he doesn’t get upset about this or that, about work or the house or people or the world in general, and it’s the same phrases every time. Not that I blame him. His workload is insane, and it hasn’t gotten any better since the pandemic hit. But it’s frustrating to see him fight the same windmills every day, to see him run in circles and repeat the same little hell again and again. I wish I could help him, and I wish things could just go back to normal. But who doesn’t? We’ve been living in our own little dystopian hellscape for half a year now.

Although it feels much, much longer.

And I’m aware that a vaccine will not necessarily eradicate the virus. It’s highly unlikely. But this? This is hard to endure. It’s stressful, all the additional work, all the conflicts in society, all the panic inside and outside. It’s more than a small nightmare.

But during those midnight walks, sometimes, life is good. Especially like last Thursday, when the air was crisp and smelt of autumn, of damp earth and leaves. (On a side note: spreading the pine mulch a week before had been such an amazing scent-experience, too. It smelt so earthy, so much like approaching autumn that it made my heart ache just a bit.) Temperatures had dropped down to 4°C. When it had been 30°C less than 48 hours before. That, too, is exhausting.

I had a lovely, long bath to end the day, using the black bat bath bomb that was full of glitter and had such a wonderful herbal, autumnal scent. It was a good way to end the day.

 Friday, 18.09.20: There are days when you wish you hadn’t gotten up, at all. Friday was such a day. I was irritated from the start, plagued by a restless night and dreams. My head hurt, my nose was so dry it bled (it still does) and my throat hurt. I was in a bad mood from the beginning. Facing the mess in the kitchen I’ve been facing for the last weeks every day didn’t help. In the past months, due to a lack of time, F has made it a habit to just dump everything – dirty plates, garbage, everything – onto the counter. I understand why, it’s not that, but it’s frustrating to spend a long time cleaning up, unloading and filling the dishwasher... only to find the same mess again the next day. I know... that’s being an adult 101. Doesn’t mean that I can’t feel overwhelmed by it from time to time...

To do something nice and silly, I took some pictures for my IG with those bath bombs – another awfully trivial, stupid thing to do, but it makes me happy – and enjoyed that, and prepared dinner when F arrived at home. I made pasta with my spinach and salmon sauce, and that was nice and filling. But F got upset over things to do in the garden again, and it was a tense atmosphere all evening.

In the late night hours, I watched a so-called horror-movie, although it wasn’t all too scary. But it made me think a lot.

I watched “Boogeyman”, that godawful movie of 2005.

2005... that sounds so close. That sounds so familiar. And yet, it was 15 years ago. Again, time flies. And seeing the movie, seeing the fashion choices and atmosphere, a world without the constant presence of social media and the pressure to be constantly available at all times... it made me feel so nostalgic.

2005.

I was 24 back then. Young. Skinny. A music major preparing for the final concert exam. I was broken, too. Bordering an eating disorder, which made me skinny in the first place, but I would lie if I pretended it doesn’t bother me that I put on so much weight. I loved wearing the pencil skirts. I loved wearing the clothes I can’t wear anymore today. I loved the world more than I love it today.

I was broken, and I went to see my psychoanalyst 3 to 4 times a week. I spent a lot of times waiting for a tram or a bus, and I always had a book in my pocket. Instead of my iphone. I read so much, back then. Now, the distraction of the internet is everywhere.

I miss those days, when the world was coming together instead of falling apart. When my body wasn’t my enemy, like it is now. Always hurting, always causing problems, a thick shell of fat caused by the lipedema that makes moving and exercising so, so hard.

Yes, I had unhealthy habits. Many of them. Back then, I created the scars that I still carry with me. Studying music under TO was exhausting and challenging.

But I felt a sense of accomplishment. I felt proud of what I was doing. Yes, I could also rip myself apart over a passage in the Brouwer sonata, I felt inferior compared to my fellow students who came from around the world. But I travelled to make music. I played in concerts on a regular basis. I was young and the world was wide open.

Am I romanticizing this time?

Of course I do.

Which middle-aged person doesn’t?

Middle-aged. That’s what I am now, right? I’ve used this word aloud for the first time last week, during my last lesson with my student A. I don’t even know how I got there, what made me say it. But there it was, loud and clear: “That’s what happens, when you’re middle-aged.”

It felt strange.

2005, I was young. It was the time when the future was wide open and the years weren’t weighing my down, when my body wasn’t weighing me down. Time was not a factor and everything, simply everything was still possible.

Now, I do feel time and its weight. Decisions need to be made before it’s too late. The future is narrow and determined.

And the world was coming together. There was a liberal air around everything. It was before the pandemic, before the financial crisis. There was a general sense of optimism, or am I mistaken? Just looking at some of the movies makes my heart ache. I feel like the world wasn’t as separated as it is now. The internet was there; a strange place with even stranger people... but it was before facebook and instagram and a constant pressure to post a fake, fabulous life to gain fake, faceless friends and fake, meaningless likes.

Is it bad that I get nostalgic about that?

Sometimes I think: but the world wasn’t as tolerant back then, regarding ethnics and the lgbt+ community.

But... was it?

Was it really?

We live in a radicalized world these days. There are only extremes left in a nightmarish dystopia. There is no moderation. There is no centre left. Only the wrong opinion and yours. The ability to talk and argue in a civilized way seems to be lost.

And here I am, witnessing the wonders and horrors of this time.

And looking at a face in the mirror that doesn’t match me anymore. Photos of myself shock me. I’m old. I’m fat. I don’t play concerts anymore.

Needless to say, I was depressed when I went to bed.

 Saturday, 19.09.20: There are days when you wish you hadn’t gotten up, at all. Saturday was another such day. F was tense, we fought. It wasn’t nice. I tried to tend to the plants outside, but there were once again so many people around... I hate that. I hate that I can’t just water the heather without being seen, without having to smile and wave. I’m a hermit, always have been, and there’s something to be said about the anonymity of large housing blocks. We don’t have that here anymore, and sometimes I wish for a huge, huge, impenetrable wall around our house. If only it wouldn’t look stupid and like a prison from the inside...

While F spent a bit of time outside, I did what I’ve been wanting to do for three weeks now: I put up the autumn decoration. The golden pumpkins, the orange and red leaves, the berry twigs and candles. That, at least, felt like a small accomplishment.

I convinced F to take more me-time. I know he needs it, and badly. I miss him. I miss having dinner with him, but he needs it and it makes him happier, less irritated and more stress-resistant. So I told him to take that time for himself, and things have gotten slightly better since then.

I ended the day in the bathtub again, trying a new bath bomb that was full of spice and beauty. But my heart was pounding and I didn’t last all too long in the tub. But the scent was autumnal and divine.

 Sunday, 21.09.20: I didn’t sleep well and nodded off on the couch in the afternoon. Those days feel empty. I felt empty, too.

The best part about Sunday was a wonderful cooking session. I made homemade tomato soup and spent hours peeling tomatoes, roasting garlic in the oven and bringing it all together. That is the kind of accomplishment I have these days... not playing a whole concert program.

I spent the evening getting lost with my new ipad pro and the drawing app on it. It’s a little addictive and very complicated. I’ve been comfortable with the medium of traditional pencil art and have rarely tried anything else... and this... this is something. I lost track of time, scribbled an opossum, watched the new Netflix series “Ratched” and went to bed.

There was a text on my phone (among many... because that damn thing never, ever stays silent...) from my former student R. The one I have taught for so many years. The one I brought to so many competitions. The one who won third prize on the nationwide round. The one I drove to my old professor. The one who passed the entrance exam at my old college of music. He asked if we couldn’t meet or talk on the phone one of these days. He wanted to tell me what’s going on and how his future will look.

What to bet that means he won’t study music, in the end?

The rest was just more work, more appointments, more requests.

 Monday, 22.09.20: the plan was to go back to work on Monday. That didn’t happen.

I had a horrible night.

I couldn’t fall asleep until half past seven. AM. I was restless and my heart was pounding. I thought about work, about DT, about life and the world and couldn’t stop. Couldn’t rest. Couldn’t sleep.

I dreamt, too. And vividly.

It was a strong dream about DT. I was back at home, with my parents. And I had to prepare a concert. But I hadn’t practiced, at all. My father had informed a local tv station, even. But I hadn’t practiced, and started to panic. I had to get ready, do my make-up, do my hair, get into my concert clothes (oh, how I miss that feeling...) and somehow, miraculously, practice some pieces to fill a concert with...

And somewhere in this mess, where I tried to find sheet music – maybe some duos to play with an old classmate – there was DT.

It was such a vivid, strong dream. So intense.

He was dismissive. He didn’t really want to talk about us, or about how things would unfold from here. And somehow, I tried to convince him that talking would help. That it would make sense to carry on. I tried to convince him that not everything was lost.

And because I had to practice, I just gave him one diary after another. Years and years, tomes and tomes of diaries, piled up in his arms. Somehow, I thought that would be a good idea. Somehow I thought, if he read it all, he would finally understand me.

I was under so much stress, trying to convince him to talk to me...

... then F woke me.

And I felt like hit by a truck.

For a while, I tried to force myself to go to work. Had breakfast, tried to get ready... but with so little sleep, I tend to feel both nauseous and lightheaded. It’s a dizziness that’s hard to be put into words. No way I could be patient enough to teach.

So I called my doctor. And surprisingly, he was on the phone himself. He gave me a sick note for two days. I actually let myself be talked into getting Tuesday off, as well.

I slept until F came home.

I dreamt about my student R., and that he actually didn’t intend to study music. But in the dream, he wasn’t allowed to, so I promised to take care of it, to talk to the college and my old professor.

I felt a little better when I woke up.

F ate dinner alone, and I watched documentaries about video games, continued with “Ratched” and tried to overcome both the lethargy and depression. I think it’s that; the depression. I haven’t been quite myself in the past days, and sometimes all you can do is take one day at a time.

I like the aesthetics of “Ratched”. The 50s vintage beauty of interior design and fashion. I love the soundtrack that is a wonderful homage to old Hitchcock movies. It’s disturbing, thoroughly disturbing, and I’m not quite sure yet if it’s my kind of disturbing. We’ll see. Maybe it’s just the lethargy and depression that drag me in.

 Tuesday, 23.09.20: Again, I slept badly. I can only hope tonight will be better. Tomorrow, I must go back to work. I don’t feel worthy of breathing when I’m not working on a work day. But the night was short and troubled again. Pounding heart. Heavy thoughts. Restless sleep.

I tried to not fall asleep during the day, so I looked for ProCreate tutorials online and tried myself on one of them. I tried to create some characters for the guitar book for children I intend to write (will I ever finish it, though?). And surprisingly, when I looked up again, it was dark. Just like that, hours had passed.

F ate dinner with me, and that was wonderful. His company always helps when I’m feeling lethargic and disturbed and not quite like myself. I’m grateful for that. I’m so grateful for him.

And I really, really hope that I will start feeling better soon.

And that I will sleep.

I hope work will help.

[allenmendezsr]

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[elane-in-the-shadows]

Red Queen Fan Fiction - Blood Curse part 9

Find this on wattpad

chapter 1

chapter 2

chapter 3

chapter 4

chapter 5

chapter 6

chapter 7

chapter 8

chapter 9

chapter 10

chapter 11

chapter 12

chapter 13

chapter 14

chapter 15

chapter 16

chapter 17

chapter 18

chapter 19

chapter 20

chapter 21

chapter 22

chapter 23

chapter 24

chapter 25

chapter 26

chapter 27

chapter 28

chapter 29

Final chapter

A/N: The chapter in which nothing happens XDD Only plotwise, that is. This chapter goes emo.

Mare POV

I don’t need to look up to mark the moment the cameras are turned off. Instead I close my eyes, breathing in and out. I have to banish the lies and pretends out of me. What a dream we told the audience about, if only it was true. But that would make Tiberias a king and I still can’t bear to see that happen.

I’ve fallen behind. Farley, Tiberias, Davidson and Evangeline build a little group on the stage and discuss. It’s amazing how honest Farley and Davidson sound, and I wonder if their plans will change. It was Davidson’s idea to pitch the nobles against one another, yet I still hardly know him. If he obtains what he wants, he might found another alliance and discard those not following. I shake my head which catches Tiberias’s attention and our eyes meet. He turns to me, seeming worried, and for a moment, I want to give in. But just for a moment. I straighten myself and leave the stage.

Trusting them is only a dream, and Tiberias won’t be a good king. He can’t even listen for a few minutes without getting distracted – by me. If he wishes to change the world, he has a long way to go.

I’ve gathered more than a dozen books by now; and three of them are on the bed with me. Corvium is full of cast-off clutter, be it books or clothes or weapons. I couldn’t afford much reading in the Stilts, but since I dropped into Queenstrial, I’ve begun to enjoy it. Books are calming, books offer information I crave. I’m not naive enough to believe all of their messages but they’re everything I have. No wonder Julian adores them. Even if books lied, they didn’t choose me as their victim of deceit.

There’s a knock on my door and I bid my visitor in. I greet Farley when she enters but I notice she’s as reluctant and careful as usual when she’s around me, and I’m uncertain if I’m glad or angry about it.

She sits down on the edge of my bed. “I’ll leave tomorrow,” she tells me. “Some Guard soldiers are to go to the Piedmont base and I’ll accompany them.”

“Ah,” I reply, putting my lecture away and waiting for more.

She smiles. “It’s about time. The Silvers are leaving too, while the Samos princeling will remain here, ‘to rule’, and well.” She shrugs.

“You can’t bear to work with him,” I add in her stead and she inclines her head. Suddenly, she grabs a pillow of mine and pulls it close.

“I don’t know how I let so much time pass here. Almost a month.” She snorts. “A month since I saw Clara.”

“Farley – “

“I want to have her with me again. I feel almost guilty. However important this – “ she glances around the room, “ – is, when I work for the Guard, I have to rely on other people anyways. I can delegate. But Clara has no other … parent, and I want to be hers. More than anything, but …” she trails off suddenly.

I move closer to lean against her. “Don’t…” I begin, “… I mean, you do your best. But I know Mom worries about you, and I do too. You can’t do everything by yourself, so don’t overwork yourself, okay?” I improvise, though apparently, I said it right.

“Compromising, huh?” Farley sums it up. She sighs. “Sometimes I think I wouldn’t have these problems if I had Shade at my side. None. Everything would be perfect, even the progresses in the war.”

My brother’s name pierces my heart after all. I go still as Farley mumbles, “how easily we idealize people we love.” She hugs me.

“Will you come with me tomorrow?” she asks and for some reason, I stiffen further. “You don’t have to,” she continues, “you can stay, or go with someone else – “

“Don’t manipulate me.”

She lets go of me. “That wasn’t my intent-”

“Really?” I sneer.

Her gaze is unwavering, unavoidable. “If you think I do, my intention doesn’t matter,” she concedes. “I’m sorry. It’s your decision. Rafe, Sara and Cameron will come with me, Ella and Tyton will stay until they’re needed elsewhere. And if you want to return later on, there’ll be other chances, I’m making sure of it.”

I expect her to leave but she hesitates and brushes my shoulder. “Thanks for listening to me,” she says. You know you can come to me if you need anything.”

"I’m aware,” I answer. My face feels stony, yet I bring myself to smile. “I’d wish you a good journey, but why should I when I’m coming with you? I can’t wait to see my family either.”

She smiles back, although her worry lingers. “The plane leaves at 6 am,” she informs me.

Packing the things I‘ve collected here isn’t what stops me from sleeping. I’m not half as sure about leaving as I pretended to be, and I know the reason. I’ve talked with other Newbloods and soldiers from Piedmont to learn whether they’d go or stay, but I avoided one person and I know I can’t go without meeting him once more.

It’s after midnight when I walk the corridors of the tower like a ghost, slow, unseen, and procrastinating what I desire to do. Yet I find his rooms despite never having been there before. Light emanates from under the door, and I hear and smell a fire in his chimney. I wonder if those were built especially for the Calore apartments, then about why there aren’t watchmen to see here. Likely Tiberias thinks he doesn’t need them, or doesn’t want them. I can relate to both, though I can’t imagine to trust his new allies as much, if I was in his place – do the Samos see him as irreplaceable as Anabel does? After all I experienced with Evangeline –

I hear steps from inside and I force myself not to run away when the door opens. It’s him, and he looks more shocked than when hit by lightning. I don’t want to know his thoughts about my presence, thus I enter his room by pushing him aside, walking to his cluttered desk, full of maps and notes.

“I’m developing possible strategies,” he says behind me. He’s followed me back in, and when I turn my head, I’m startled by his closeness. Visibly. He notices, smiles and, thank his colours, he doesn’t do more than that. I go away a step and drop into his chair. It’s comely piece of furniture, old and used but comfortable, intricately manufactured and well-tended.  It’s typically him. If I looked around his room, would I see more of his personality reflected here? Yet the idea is soon replaced by the sour tang of the advantages he’s allowed, even urged, to enjoy as a royal Silver. I should act on it and leave, but that wouldn’t erase the reason I came for. To say farewell, I remind myself.

Before I can do this, he bends over the desk from the other side. “Archeon can be attacked, as we saw already,” he explains, assuming I want to talk about his maps, or just glad to speak with me at all. “But that would’ve mostly symbolic meaning,” he goes on, “and even that lessens with each new try. The ruling council can still escape, and their routes are changed now, as you’ve told us. And our court spies …” he lets the words hang in the air, maybe doubting if the twin Newbloods with Maven are still “ours”.

Tiberias clears his throat. “However, that might be for the better. If anything happened to Princess Iris as well, the war with the Lakelands might start anew.” He looks at me, finally, expecting me to have an opinion on this, and I have many. Does he still search for ways to spare Maven? Does he really believe the Cygnets would start a war over dead royals, as if the war hasn’t been only a ruse for a century? And what if Monfort wants this, the Calores and Cygnets destroying each other, despite the lives taken as collateral damage?

I don’t mention any of this and merely return his gaze, trying to find out if he’s again becoming the prince I met a year ago. We’re so close, our hands just a centimeter apart from touching, until he bridges the distance. Just the faint touch of his fingers tingles in my hand, then these sparks move upwards. I swallow.

“When will those plans be put into use?” I ask, to break the silence, to dissemble.

He tilts his head, surprised but not reacting to the short moment of arousal which I’m sure has shown on my face. “Maybe never,” replies he, and this confuses me.

“Excuse me?”

He laughs joylessly. “My council can’t decide who to attack first. Every one of the Steelfire Alliance insists on their opinion, on securing their personal vendettas and profit …”

I bit at my lip for the stupid name, and because Tiberias doesn’t realize he has to make a decision for them if he wants to be king. Then I think it’s for the better if he hesitates to embrace the role, so he might abandon the crown after all. Or it only means he’ll continue as before, never trying to change Norta because he’s unable to believe in reforms to begin with –

He’s focused on me, full of interest while not understanding me at all and I want to scream.

Instead I cup his head in my hands and kiss him. He joins in, stunned but rejoicing and I notice his yearning when I pull away a little, to switch from lips to neck, to murmur, “you idiot”, or, “how could you”. But I don’t stop, granting myself the pleasure and the power I have over him, for now. Although this is merely an illusion, no matter how hard he kisses me, how demanding his hands are as they scout my body, and no matter how the heat rises around him, I’m not enough to divert him from his throne, nor do I want to be. He’s the one who should’ve learned.

I break the kiss, leaving both of us panting, him flushed with a pale sheen of Silver and me pink and ruddy.

“Mare,” he whispers, taking me in, happily disbelieving what’s happening. Then his excitement wavers, and I guess which sight upsets him. I fumble in my pocket for the ear stud he gave me and hold it up between us. His unease becomes more apparent, confirming me I assumed right.

“Have I told you how my brothers gave me earring when they were conscripted?” I say, aware I already did. But I pretend otherwise and continue. “I’ve come to inform you that I’m going away as well, so I want to give you this.”

Tiberias squints his eyes. “Will you take it?” I inquire and he nods decidedly.

“Yes.” He leans further over the desk and I sit down on top of it while I prepare to pierce his ear. I delay the act, enjoying every second, like he does.

“It might hurt for a few days,” I state, calmer than I feel. “And I doubt a skinhealer could help with that.”

“Oh, that’s okay, I’m not – ow!”  

His gasp lures a faint chuckle out of me. The hands that pierced his ear now linger on his cheeks and for the last time, I make a memory of his simmering bronze eyes. But I pull away the moment I feel a touch against my fingers; it’s Tiberias checking on his sore ear. “Don’t touch it too much,” I chastise him, softly. I shake my head.

“Good night,” I say, “fare well.” I slide off the desk, stumble over his chair and dash out of his room and along the corridors.

Nothing about last night was a good idea. I slept only in short intervals and had to get up just three hours after I laid down. Of course, that’s not the main problem, even though it’s easy to pretend it is to the other passengers on the plane. Tiredness and headaches are welcome excuses when Cameron wonders why I make an especially poor move in the same game of cards we played on the way to Corvium. The play only wakes memories of that trip, and how different everything was between Tiberias and me, lest I forget last night and how it showed me what could be.

I don’t want this. And despite my lack of concentration, I play on until Cameron has to think I act uncannily. Though there’s neither a storm outside nor a battle waiting for us, I have to take care to keep my electricity in check, so it won’t interfere with the plane’s functions. I realize it’s the first time I’m flying without Tiberias, or at least I can’t remember one. I catch Rafe looking at me once, when I lose another match and emit sparks as I drop my hand.

“These boxes are too small for us,” he says with an encouraging smile, and for the first time today, I have to smile back, without faking a good humour.

“Yes, we’re like the storm clouds planes hate more than anything.”

His answer is a laughter that fills the large cabin, and I and those around us have to fall in. I’m the storm, I tell myself, I won’t be caged again.

It’s still august, and thus, although a month has passed, the heat of Piedmont hits me when I exit the plane. The sunlight is an unexpected but welcome comfort. Not so for some other passengers, Farley among them, who take off their jackets immediately. I switch to observe my surroundings. The landing place is as good as empty, only a few people and transports wait for us. One of them is the colonel who was in charge of the base in the absence of Davidson and the generals.

“Hello, look who’s there!” I spin on my heel, startled by the call at me, and see my brother.

“Bree! Hi!” I squeak to my surprise. I rise to my toes and fall into his arms while he picks me up so I no longer touch the ground. I almost expect him to start twisting us.

“Welcome back, Operative Barrow,” he says into my hair, still holding me tight. “I’m sure you did important stuff, but you could’ve messaged us a little more often.”

He speaks with a smile in his voice and I reciprocate his joy. “Good to see you too, you giant,” I answer. “How’s the family doing?”

He lets me down. “Oh, good, good. Hmm, I’m here as a driver, but I can stop and let you out at home.” He winks at me and gestures to a shuttle bus, then pats my cheeks, suddenly more serious. “I’m really happy to see you here again, Mare. I’m glad every time when someone returns.”

I stand with him and help while he guides the soldiers into his bus and I’m amazed by his professional politeness while I just manage to greet those people I know and try to subdue my nervousness about meeting my family. When Bree’s about to get in, Farley’s the last one to enter.

In the bus, Cameron watches her curiously. Her lasting observation ears her a glare from Farley. “What?” she snaps finally.

Cameron giggles. She’s loosened her braids recently so her hair surrounds her like a cloud. Together with her amusement, it makes her look much younger. “You seem weirdly gloomy but aren’t actually gloomy so I think you’re trying to hide something awkward,” she ponders.

It makes Farley gape, then biting her lip. She lets us wait for an answer. “The colonel explicitly told me he can wait with a briefing,” she mumbles finally. “Even patted my shoulder,” she adds. “Really awkward.” Cameron’s laugh is contagious.

Only Farley and I exit when the bus stops close to my family’s house. “If that wasn’t conspicuous,” Farley remarks.

“Aren’t you authorized to make some exceptions?” I retort, to which she hmphs.

Dad opens the door for us and I’m still stunned to see him on his feet. He hugs me and shakes Farley’s hand before he guides us in. “Only Mom and I are here,” he says. “Oh, and the little one too. The others are out on some duties, but they’ll return for lunch.”

Mom has less sense for a polite welcome. She tries to hide her joy and chastises us instead. “Girls, now tell me what that video was about? We hardly got reports about you at all! And your father, Diana, was especially sparse with information.”

“I’ll inform him.”

“Oh, I did already. But why did you think it was okay to leave me alone with this storms-crying child?”

“Ruth, we all helped you,” Dad calls in and Farley blinks, obviously embarrassed.

“Well, she wasn’t a cry-baby when I – “ Farley replies helplessly. “I just hope she’ll recognize me still …” Then Clara cries from somewhere.

Mom shakes her head, though grinning. “Really, this discontendedness – Clara must’ve gotten that from you.” But Farley’s already off to find Clara in her basket on the couch. The baby’s crying was short-lived.

“Thank you so much, Ruth,” Farley says before she turns her full attention on Clara. “Hello Clara, my little dove. Did you miss me? Mama missed you terribly …” As she takes the baby into her arms, I feel Mom’s hand on my back too.

My siblings indeed come home for lunch, as does Kilorn. Their solidarity is impressing, and a great comfort. I love my family and I’ll fight for them, no matter which side Tiberias is on. I won’t lose anyone else of them again.

Once we finished eating and Kilorn and my siblings are slowly getting ready to return to their tasks, Clara wakes and cries again.

“Hey, let’s see if you like some lunch as well,” Farley mutters to her and goes to a bedroom. Suddenly, I find myself alone with Mom.

“Mare, why don’t you tell me what really weighs you down?” she asks and pulls me close. I don’t want to speak at first, rather dissemble in the same way I did in the last month.

“I …”

“I know you like to run away, and that’s fine. Sometimes, it’s the only way. But I’ll wait for you, Mare. I’m always there.”

I’ve seen Mom break anyone’s defenses, including mine. Yet when my tears start to fall and I begin to talk, it feels different. Something is me has broken, but something is patched as well. 

A/N 2: If Farley feels guilty, that is my fault, having her stay at Corvium for a freaking month without thinking first -.-°. Maybe Aveyard will know better and see her return after two days or so ;-) And I’m aware the “I’m the storm” line reminds of acomaf, so I tried to change a wording a little ;-)

@clarafarleybarrow @mareshmallow @calliopexclio @hannaharies @redqueenfandom @spookysamos @lilyharvord @red-queen-united @mikey-waysjawline @runexandra

#red queen fan fiction #red queen fanfiction #mare x cal #king's cage #war storm #king's cage fan fiction #tiberias vii #mare barrow #diana farley #clara farley #victoria aveyard #blood curse #blood curse ch 9 #war storm fan fiction

[20qs20somethings]

Calvin, 29

1. Would you describe yourself as a millennial? Why? Yeah, but I feel like it’s a slur. I feel like no one wants to be called a millennial. So yes, because I qualify as a millennial, but also no because I feel like it’s a slur. I feel like people use it as a way to say something nasty about someone like, “millennials are killing x y z.” It’s not really a moniker I adopt. 

2. What’s your relationship with social media like? This is tough. I think for me, I’m able to do the work I do because of social media. Social media provided a community for me when growing up in New England in a town of a couple hundred people, there were no gay people. So social media was great for finding like minded people with similar experiences who you could talk to. I think it’s been great to learn. You learn so much from listening to other people with lived experiences that you don’t have that wouldn’t have surfaced unless you were looking on social media to hear them tell their own stories so I think that’s great so I think that’s positive. 

But when my friends look at my mentions, there are so many death threats everyday, real vitriol. I’ve become kind of immune to it, but it’s always a reminder for me when someone from the outside isn’t engaged as thoroughly as I am, they see it and ask, “how do you put up with this everyday?” I’ve just built up an armor where this is just my normal day to day experience so I don’t think about it all that much. So I’m glad I’ve been able to build up that armor but it makes me very afraid when I see things like 13 Reasons Why and teenagers that don’t necessarily have that armor. Everyday I thank God that Twitter wasn’t a thing when I was in high school. 

So it’s definitely a double edged sword. I think it brings a lot of good but people can utilize it to do some really ugly things. When we were in school, if someone were to bully you, they could only do it when you were together. Now they can torment you 24/7 and I think that’s really scary and I still don’t think people have adjusted to figure out how to deal with that. Because i Think that’s a modern issue for schools and workplaces. 

3. Selfies: Thoughts? Go for it! I mean, when I was cuter, I took them all the time. I think there’s nothing wrong with a selfie. If you look and feel good, show it off.

4. Do you believe in love? Oh of course! Yeah, how can you not? If you didn’t, this world would be a pretty miserable place.

5. What’s something you think people assume of you based on your internet persona? The internet’s really odd because people feel like they know you inside and out, there’s not much room for nuance. I always say, you’ll meet a lot of people online that are lions and then you meet them in real life and they’re mice. They’re very loud online and very shy or demure in person. I say I’m just as annoying on the internet as I am in person, but I think it’s easy for people to get a black and white image of someone following them online versus assuming or understanding that every person just like them has layers and nuance and everything that makes you a human being. 

I think the second that you have a platform for better or worse on the internet, everything you do is highly scrutinized. People will pick apart your breathing technique, there’s nothing you can do that’s right. But that’s another thing where I’ve built up an armor to it and I find more often than not that when I do meet someone in real life that has been an agitator to me online that has said some not nice things, they’re always weirdly apologetic in person. To the point where I’ve had a few sob telling me that they were sorry that they were mean. And for me, everyone goes through the phases, and I was like, “Yeah I was a jerk once so it’s fine, don’t worry about it. Just please stop doing that to other people.” It’s odd. I think it boils down to people don’t allow for the nuance that they allow for themselves, their friends, or their family for the people they’re targeting because that person might have a couple followers which is stupid.

It’s such a weird thing, it’s one of those things like Uncle Ben said, “With great power comes great responsibility.” I‘ve had to learn to be more thoughtful about how I use my platform and what I say. You learn to be more judicious in what you say or do. You realize that whether it’s fair or not, the things you say or do have a lot more weight because you do have a larger audience listening so you have to be very careful about who you’re subjecting to public scrutiny. I’ve learned over the years that there’s a disproportionate power play there that I try to be conscious of.

6. What’s one thing you want people to know about you? That I’m really boring. I’m really really boring. I can tell you if you look at my YouTube history, I just watch hundreds of crafting videos, and I don’t even craft, I just find them very soothing. Everyone assumes because I’m very loud and very much an extrovert that I must be going out all the time and getting crazy. But I like sitting home and reading, I try to read 2-3 books a week, I watch a lot of those crafting videos, I’m like a little old lady.

7. How do you consume news? Mostly Twitter. I also watch Fox News every single night. I was raised by a politically very conservative family, identified as a conservative until I was a teenager, and I try to get ahead of what my family and friends back home are going to send me. But I torture myself by watching Sean Hannity and Tucker Carlson every night. I read Drudge Report and Breitbart everyday. Twitter already gives me a clear view of the stuff I already agree with which is great, but I always want to make sure I’m going outside the echo chamber, so when I do get some crazy forwarded email from my grandmother that’s this conspiracy theory that i know where she heard it from, I know the best way to counteract it. So mostly Twitter, but also I torment myself a lot with the conservative stuff so I’m not in the bubble too much

8. What are your thoughts on race? I’ll start with a disclaimer: I feel like white people have been giving their thoughts on race for so long and dominating that narrative. My thoughts are very much molded from my personal experience. I was born and raised in a place that has probably less than 1% of the population is anything other than white Irish Catholic. It wasn’t until I moved to New York City when I was a teen that I kind of got exposed to everything, other races, cultures, languages, foods. My friends think I’m joking that growing up, every night we would have the same meal. It was steak and potatoes and the potatoes couldn’t touch the steak. My parents didn’t use any seasoning, no gravy or anything, just salt, pepper, and butter, nothing on the steak either. I thought that was normal and I thought that anyone that didn’t do what I was doing was weird. 

So when I moved to New York, I was like, this is surreal, my world isn’t the world and kind of removing yourself from that, I’m not surprised that this country has so many issues with race, because this country was built on white supremacy but on top of that when you’re in school in history class, that’s not what you’re learning. You’re learning that slavery was bad, but it ended. After that, segregation was bad, but it ended. So everything’s great now, there’s nothing to worry about. I think we have generation after generation propagated this very dangerous notion that it’s good to be colorblind, which no one is. If you are, see a doctor. Clearly you’re not, but we’ve taught people to say that as some sort of egalitarian view, but I think that ignores generations and millennia of lived experiences of people that have been marginalized. 

I wasn’t too shocked by the election results, where I came from, Trump won my county by a significant amount, so I wasn't too shocked when it happened. I remember the day after seeing all my friends of color, none of them were surprised, the only people that were shocked were white liberals. I think there is a lot of introspection that particularly White Americans need to do. I was a part of the problem as a teenager, and that’s something that I’m still unlearning and also learning because you have to unlearn all the things you took in and assumed were universal truths and that’s where it’s so important to listen to people who have lived this life and they can tell you and it’s not an outlier. If everyone is saying the same thing, listen to them. 

I still feel like White Americans are living in this bubble, I know I still am, so it’s learning and taking in what’s going on and what the people experiencing this stuff are saying so that I can be better informed and then use that education to reach out to a white friend or family member that might not be too willing to listen to someone that’s different from them. Use your ability as an ally for good to make that change happen because we’ve tried to put all the work on people who have been marginalized when it’s time for us as white people to clean house and start taking on responsibility for ourselves with all the bullshit that’s going on. 

9. Do you think the American Dream is still alive? Growing up, I think we’re taught the American Dream is that you can come here with nothing and you can build a life for you, for your kids, and certainly, there are people who have done that. But I also think we’ve made it incredibly difficult, whether it be the immigration laws or the way we’ve frozen social mobility where it’s very rare for someone to not die in the class they were born into and that can be a great thing if you’re born rich or a horrible thing if you’re born poor.

So I think right now, I don’t have the exact stat, but social mobility has never been as bad as it has been now in this country. So if the American Dream is that anyone can start from nothing and become a millionaire, I don’t think that’s true. There are plenty of people that do it, but it’s not just hard work. If everyone that just worked hard was rich, there would be janitors that’d be millionaires all over the country right now. It’s not just hard work, I think you have to have some luck thrown in there. I think there’s a lot of circumstances that make it a lot harder. Certain political parties have made it harder for the American Dream to happen.

10.  Is college overrated? I think it’s contextual, I think it depends on what you want to do. I think a lot of people don’t need to go to college and I think as it becomes more assumed that everyone’s expected to have a college degree, I think the college degree will no longer set you apart. I think if you have the means, go. I think the most important thing is fighting so that everyone has the means to do so. There’s no reason that public colleges shouldn’t be free and accessible to everybody and that’s not the case right now. 

But I think we’re about to enter another bubble burst of the student loan bubble and that’s gonna do a lot of horrible things to the economy and people who have incurred a lot of debt. I also think there should be ownness on employers where this expectation that you’re hiring someone for an associate level position and you want them to have a 4-6 year degree and 5 years of experience, when this is an associate level position, this makes no sense. 

I also think it’s about reeducating employers to not demand degrees if degrees aren’t necessary. Because if you start saying to people “you don't need college” until employers catch up to that, then you’re screwing people out of work. So it’s a very thorny issue for me. In a perfect world, no. But it has a lot of bad side effects that we’re forcing everyone into college when that might not be right for them.

11. Would you rather have security or fulfillment in your work? Fulfillment. After 4 years at DoSomething, I took a year off and went to go work at a creative agency which was great. Incredible pay, really smart people working there, but I was using all my digital marketing expertise to sell things that weren’t making the world a better place and I miss doing work that was based in, “Okay, here’s an issue, how can we get people to do something about this issue?” So I quit after a year and took a pretty severe pay cut to go back because I miss the fulfillment work, which was another adult learning lesson that money really doesn’t make you happy. If you have enough that you have security that you’re not worried about paying rent or paying a medical cost, anything on top of that isn’t going to make you happier and I just assumed if I made more money, I’d be happier which wasn’t the case, so I went back to DoSomething.

12. What’s the title of the current chapter of your life? Golden Cal 

13. What do you want out of this life? To leave the planet in a better place. So hopefully the work I’m doing sparks a generation and movement of social change and people being involved so we have more people voting, we have more protections in place where people experience discrimination, and protection for the environment. 

14. What would you say is your biggest character flaw? That I don’t have a filter. I get myself in trouble all the time because I say what I think and it gets me in trouble at work, with people I date, with friends. So I’m always honest. 

15. What’s something that makes you angry? Apathy. If you can look around at all the stuff happening in the world, and this is nothing new, this is the same story before Trump. If you can look around and say “Eh, it doesn’t affect me so I don’t care.” It’s apathy attached with a lack of empathy. If everyone had the power to be empathetic, the world would be such a better place because you hear so often that someone didn’t care about something until it affected them personally. You hear this with people who are socially conservative all the time where they’re very much apathetic to immigration or queer rights and they have a gay son and all of a sudden they’re like, “oh my god I’m so sorry I wasn’t fighting on your behalf.” I just wish you could naturally be empathetic because then the world would be a much better place, we’d be farther along than we are now. 

16. How do you measure success? I try not to. I feel like the second you put a measuring stick on it, you’re always going to be doubting yourself and worse, you’re going to be comparing yourself to your friends. Your friends are the same age but they might make more money or have a cooler job title and I think that’s really toxic. 

It will hurt your relationship with your friends, your family, and make you incredibly neurotic and full of self doubt so I try not to. There will always be someone smarter, better looking, that has a better job, that makes more money and you will never win if you play that game. Stay in your lane, focus on what you want to do and you will be much happier if you do that. 

17. What are qualities that you value? Empathy, Kindness, Patience

18. What’s the most important lesson you’ve learned so far? To slow down and open yourself up to experiences outside of your own. Whether that be talking to people who have a different lived experience than you, listening to an argument that you might not agree with, trying a new food, going to a new country, and really being open to new ideas and experiences.

19. What’s the hardest lesson you’ve had to learn? That you, just like everyone else are imperfect. I think we spend so much time telling kids, “Don’t change who you are, people have to learn to love you, you’re perfect the way you are!” No one is perfect. I think there’s beauty in imperfection and having enough introspection to actually say, “Oh I’m always demanding my friends invite me to things but I don’t invite my friends to anything.” Maybe that's something to look at that I’m asking more than giving in these personal relationships. Everyone has character flaws, it’s okay, it’s what makes you human. It’s realizing that you’re not as great as you were always told you were. 

20. What is the best piece of advice you want to leave the world with? Practice empathy. Truly, the world would be a better place if everyone just practiced empathy. 

#20qs20somethings #millennial #20somethings #social media #love #advice #race #profile #selfie #interview

[inspoartist]

13 Questions (A Compiled List)

So I’ve still got finals and portfolios to finish but here I am anyways lol. Thank you @alice1nwond3rland for the tag!!

1. Cats or dogs?

Well I actually have both! But I guess if I were to choose I would say dogs. The two pets I’ve owned the longest were both dogs :)

2. Share one sentence of something you’ve written and tell me why you like it?

Fun fact, I have a blog no one knows about. And I’m going to cheat and just go ahead and share more than one sentence:

“Today, this moment, it is something that you will never get back. Something that you cannot relive even if you wanted to. As much as life needs a rewind button, it just doesn't work that way. So, we need to make everything count. Focus all your energy on making every moment worth something. Stop thinking about the past and worrying about the future. What's in the past cannot be changed, and what happens in the future will happen. Everything has a plan and it will all fall into place. We need to trust that.”

I like this because I wrote it a year ago and I still think about it all the time. Time is precious, and I don’t want to waste mine!

3. Ideal pet?

I’d love to own another Golden Retriever :)

4. Are you someone who is always hot or seems to be cold always?

I am always hot, my AC is always on even when it’s 35 degrees outside ;)

5. Imagine there’s a zombie apocalypse. What would be your plan of survival?

Honestly just live in the woods by my house if my house were unsafe, I live out in the middle of the country lol!

6. Have you ever been on a camping trip?

I‘ve actually never been on an actual camping trip before, but it’s a bucket list trip for me. Preferably in the Colorado mountains :)

7. Do you need a proper breakfast to get going?

Actually no! Being a college student, I like to get as much sleep as possible, which usually means I sleep until about 30 minutes until my class begins. Doesn’t leave much time for a bite!

8. Have you ever had an operation?

I’ve actually had two in the past year and a half, one to repair a torn ligament in my foot and another to remove something from my wrist. I also broke both bones in my arm when I was in 3rd grade and require two surgeries to put metal rods in and then take them out.

9. Summer or Winter?

Winter, no question :)

10. What is your career/major/future job and why?

My current major is Art Education, so my futur will involve being an art teacher and possibly coaching volleyball alongside that. But I would have fun holding my own workshops or classes, there’s quite a bit of options :)

11. If you had to eat one food for the rest of your life, what would you choose?

Either bread or pasta, I love my carbs!

Added Questions ;)

1. Favorite song at the moment?

-Favor by Vindata, Skrillex, & NSTASIA; The Little Things by Bug Gigantic; Any Christmas song :)

2. Favorite article of clothing?

I do love sweaters

3. Last time you read a fanfic?

Last night lol!

4. Last time you stalked someone’s fanfic for updates?

About 2 weeks ago.

5. Last movie you saw, was it any good?

Let There Be Light; It didn’t have the best start, but the acting and storyline got better as the movie progressed.

6. Are you a sweet potato or white potato type of person?

White for sure, can’t stand sweet potatoes

7. Tea or water type of person?

I absolutely love sweet tea. It’s the Texan in me :)

8. Last time you bought some new bookies?

Gosh a while ago, probably last spring.

9. Have you already decorated for the holidays?

Indeed we have, we were all decorated by last week!

10. Last time you quoted CtM or Turnadette?

Lol a few days ago while finishing my art portfolio- “Oh give me strength” - Sister E

11. What would you prefer, Patrick dressed up as Santa Claus or Shelagh dressed up as Mrs. Claus?

Shelagh would make an adorable Mrs. Clause :)

I’ll add some questions :)

12. In a perfect world, what would your dream job be?

13. Do you have a favorite number?

I don’t know who has already been tagged and I didn’t look at who was tagged in the last one, lol oops. So I tag @sincerelygeertje @megan-mullally @ohmullally @anamarialujan @doctor-shelagh @karenwalkerlovin and @bloghey131313

[avsilvapost-blog]

I do not care much for this but it has become a lifestyle. I know it very well. She is called procrastination. I would talk about how I am a mediocre mess but I already a whole other blog about that. I’m not putting myself down by any means calling myself a mediocre mess. It’s more about how I am mediocre at most everything I do and a mess in general (no worries I go to counseling every Monday at 9am). The whole point of that is me turning into someone who is no longer a mediocre mess, more like my story of becoming better.  Procrastination though is not a process but more of an art. I have been doing it for many years. For example I‘ve known about this homework assignment since Thursday (02/13) of last week and here I am in my friends care at 4:46am doing it (class starts at 9am). I like to say “I work well under pressure” so this would only work for those who “work well under pressure” but in reality it works best for those who are  1. poor at time management or 2. just rather do what they want and save what they need to do for later. I am both 1 and 2 and 3, which is someone who forgets about it and then gets reminded by canvas or a classmate the day/night before. Procrastination, the fine art most college students have mastered. Including me and hopefully not any of you reading this.