#i’m writing this at 9:30pm when i am oh so tired

[tragicmoth]

dreaming of lunchbox… 🧃

DA-3797-7629-0888

this island is by my dear dear friend @pocketclowns!! it was so much fun to explore. it really felt like i was actually visiting a little farming neighborhood on the outskirts of town, with quirky neighbors and all. it worked really well with the contrasting open spaces and crowded spaces. it was great :) definitely recommend you all take a visit!!

#i’m writing this at 9:30pm when i am oh so tired #probably should have waited till the morning lol #mine #acnh #animal crossing #animal crossing new horizons #animal crossing blog #animal crossing screenshots #animal crossing inspo #acnh dream address #animal crossing dream address #dream address #dream diary

[ourlittledinosaur]

How I slept 7 hours: Sleep Saga Continued

New Post has been published on http://ourlittledinosaur.azurewebsites.net/how-i-slept-7-hours-sleep-saga-continued/

How I slept 7 hours: Sleep Saga Continued

Co-Sleeping 

There’s a lot to be said about co-sleeping. However, this post isn’t to hash out the safety precautions or to rave about the family bed. I simply want to write to share that co-sleeping is how I was able to sleep 7 hours last night. 

Seasoned co-sleepers will be nodding their approval I’m sure while others may cringe upon reading the words “family bed”, but my hope is that some where out there another tired Mama might be able to use one more suggestion to help her get a little more rest.

Milestones and Growth

My son is going through many milestone changes all at once.  It’s taking what seems like forever to cut his first tooth. Due to the drool and chomping, we’ve been expecting it for over a month now.  He’s recently hit 6 months and this past week, his constant eating and excessive night waking surely indicates the 6 month growth spurt. 

And now, my 6 month old is mobile! What?! Oh yes! He’s not full on crawling (yet!), but he is army crawling everywhere! It’s incredible. So we quickly did the baby-proofing shuffle. (I attribute this early progress to all the floor and tummy time with Daddy.)

If you’ve searched the web for anything like “why isn’t my baby sleeping? ” and insert the age of the baby, many times you’ll be reminded that during milestones, they just don’t sleep all that well.  Needless to say, my baby is feeling a little more clingy than usual.

So while I want to curse the lack of sleep, my “joy comes in the morning” as I realize all the amazing things my son is learning and has achieved. (Praise God for the fleas.)

Our 7 Hour Night

Usually I put my son to bed in his crib around 6:30pm. Then my husband and I are able to spend some time together and relax for the evening. My son wakes up to eat between 10:30 to midnight, then wakes up again a couple times in the early morning light sleep but can usually quickly be put back to bed.

Well, last night was a horse of a different color! He woke up at 9 pm and ate like he was starving! Then we went through the routine of burping and laying him back in his crib. No way, he wasn’t having it. Upon his head (or foot or hand) hitting the sheets, he immediately woke up and fussed. I don’t know how many times over the next hour I tried to lay him in his crib. It was a lot. He was perfectly content and asleep there on my shoulder.

So finally, I gave in to my own need for rest and went into his room to lay down on the mattress (on the floor) we use for his nap times. He stayed asleep. Until 5 am. What?! Oh yes! I didn’t know he could do that either!

Well, I may not have seen my own bed last night and I did miss my husband but getting to sleep without interruption for the first time in 6 months was incredible!

Decisions

I’m not really sure what’s around the bend. My husband and I discussed it this morning and we think we’re all finally ready to move our son’s crib into HIS room instead of in ours. We considered it at 4 months when he was growing out of the bassinet, but I told my husband I wasn’t ready, so we moved his crib into our room.

We also laughed as we realized, this probably means we’ll all be camped out in his room while he makes this transition. My son, me, my husband, who doesn’t want to sleep alone either, and our two dogs are moving into the nursery tonight! 

Go ahead and smile and laugh as you picture it. You know it’s funny. 

Right or Wrong

As I continue to post about our sleep/no-sleep adventure with our firstborn, (I say “our” because my husband is definitely in this “together” with me.) it dawned on me all the opinions that MUST be floating around out there.

Every parent does things differently (and from what I hear, differently from child to child as well), but it seems many people want to “put their oar” in without actually listening to the desires of the parent they’re trying to mentor.

There’s so much differing information about child rearing and it can be difficult to sift through it all, and very easy to feel like a failure once you chosen a path and then hear something different or read an article with a differing perspective. It can be downright stressful!

The fact is, God didn’t make us all from the same mold. Throughout creation you can see God’s appreciation for the unique. The individual characteristics and strengths He created in all of us is evident in our very children as we watch them grow. We appreciate these attributes in others, except perhaps it may seem, when it comes to parenting? 

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE to tell my story. And I love to give advice to others. In fact, I’m known to apologize in advance and give permission for the other person to tell me “thanks, but, no thanks” when I want to give advice! 

What I want to encourage here is that the advice we are giving is given out of love. And may I also suggest that the advice given is for the benefit of the other person and not for our own parenting knowledge gold star or feather in our cap. 

This isn’t a plug for everyone’s “truth” is right for them. God’s truth is the only truth and He has made that very clear when it comes to right and wrong. God didn’t make us all the same, though he did gave us commandments about certain things. 

I think we can all agree that those commandments don’t cover what color I should wear today anymore than whether I should breastfeed one year or two (or, dare I say it, more. Gasp!). I mean look at how different we all are from one another! Naturally we’re going to have different parenting styles as well. 

Wisdom in a Multitude of Counselors

Don’t go it alone. There is something to be said for asking for godly advice in all aspects of our life. Proverbs says, there is wisdom in a multitude of counselors. So choose a few people you trust and ask for their perspective. They may come up with some good ideas you haven’t thought of yet! 

And for those unsolicited advisors, don’t tune them out completely. You may be able to glean some gold nuggets from their experiences. Be encouraged, that their intentions are most likely good, they just aren’t very graceful about how to tell their story or offer advice that doesn’t sound judgmental. Chances are they don’t know how it makes you feel.

So wherever you are in your journey, whatever your challenge, take heart that although we are all different people, you can surround yourself with loving and encouraging people to help you through it. Even if no one else knows what to suggest in your situation, you can always ask them to pray for you. 

“Bear one another’s burdens…” Galatians 6:2a

“Where there is no counsel, the people fall; But in the multitude of counselors there is safety.” Proverbs 11:14

“…Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5b

Let us hear from you!

What advice might you have for my situation? What, if any, sleep challenges have you had with your children?

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#Parenting Advice #Sleep Association #sleep training

[clubyukhei]

wayv react series: tiktok couple pranks

ten, sicheng, yukhei, dejun, kunhang, yangyang

genre: suggestive fluff

a/n: this has 1.4k words which is... way longer than planned :’) i had a bit too much fun writing this lol. enjoy

[to:🐻] [sent: 9:30PM]

you might think i'm crazy

the way i've been cravin

if i put it quite plainly

just gimme them babies

“you okay, kun-ge?” 

“i am. why would i not be?” 

“you look… tense.”

“i’m fine, sicheng.”

the exchange makes you bite the inside of your cheek. you bite down on it hard and will yourself not to smile — but it’s so hard not to. especially when you catch the look of mild annoyance on your boyfriend’s face. the way he’s trying so hard to play it cool. 

so you glue your eyes to your phone and scroll through your inbox, pretending to be occupied. pretending you have no idea what’s going on. 

“oh. okay.” sicheng replies meekly, moving to the kitchen where kunhang and ten were opening a few tubs of ice cream.

to no one’s surprise, the conversation ends there. nobody ever questions kun after they hear that tone of authority in his voice — but maybe, you’ll be the first to. 

the night started out like any other movie night at the members’ dorms. as per usual, dinner was settled over multiple deliveries from their go-to food spots. but everything changed after yangyang left the dining table as soon as he was done eating.

“yangyang.” kun called out with a rather strict tone, his voice echoing throughout the apartment. 

“yeah?” the youngest member yelled from his room.

“come here.” 

you weren’t new to the responsible and occasionally hard-headed side of your boyfriend. it was pretty normal for you to see him nag at the members for being untidy at home and occasionally, for not behaving professionally when they were outside. 

after all, he was the leader of six boys who stressed him out on a regular basis — one of whom was the same age as him, yet regularly participated in the mischief with the others.

but this time was different. you never heard him speak like that before, never even seen the look of seriousness on his face that was intimidating even to you, an innocent bystander witnessing all of this. 

you didn’t want to admit it at first, but his voice, which was stern and commanding and had the youngest member scattering back into the kitchen in seconds, turned you on like no other.

everyone else minded their own business as kun eyed the spot on the dining table that had been covered in tiny puddles of soup. not a single word was uttered but yangyang, whose eyes kept flickering between the mess he had created and the leader’s jaded gaze, quickly grabbed a wet cloth from the sink and got to cleaning. 

you were parched just watching the scene unfold. you and kun had only started dating a few months ago and you were still learning new things about him, but this was truly something else. a pleasant surprise, if you could call it that.

kun has always been a sweet and reliable man in your eyes, and still is. but you’ve never pushed his buttons or experienced the side of him you saw this evening. the side where he uses that tone. preferably when the two of you are alone, when every word that leaves his lips is heavy with authority and dominance that you find yourself listen to every instruction he gives you, like getting on your knees—

“_____?”

you look up from your phone to see ten staring back at you from the kitchen counter, waiting for an answer. shit. you definitely did not catch what he asked. out of all times to fantasise about your boyfriend… 

dejun, who’s sitting on the floor in front of you and searching for a movie on netflix, turns around. “he asked if you wanted mint chocolate or strawberry.”

“mint chocolate is absolutely disgusting.” yukhei comments, accentuating the last word with abhorrence. the tall boy plops onto the ground next to dejun with a small bowl of strawberry ice cream in one hand.

“oh.” you hum. “strawberry it is. thanks, ten.”

your phone vibrates the second you finish your sentence, frightening you just a bit. when you see the latest notification on your lock screen, a familiar rush of excitement washes over you again. 

[from:🐻] [sent: 9:50PM]

😡

you chuckle to yourself quietly at his reply before taking in the look on his face. his hair, dyed light brown just a few days ago, falls over his forehead and almost hides his eyes — but you don’t miss the way he’s staring at you with an eyebrow raised confidently, as if daring you to continue whatever you were doing.

it’s too much. you find your cheeks flushing a little and you quickly look back to your phone, rereading your conversation with him.

[to:🐻] [sent: 9:30PM]

you might think i'm crazy

the way i've been cravin

if i put it quite plainly

just gimme them babies

[from:🐻] [sent: 9:33PM]

?

[to:🐻] [sent: 9:35PM]

baby you might need a seatbelt when i ride it

i’ma leave it open like a door

come inside it 

even though I'm wifey, you can hit it like a side chick

😙

can you stay up all night? 

fuck me till the daylight 

34+35

[from:🐻] [sent: 9:45PM]

?!?!?!?!?!

[to:🐻] [sent: 9:49PM]

means i wanna 69 with you 🙄

“what are you smiling at, _____? is it those tiktok pranks again? i was telling yangyang the other day that we should handle our tiktok page ourselves. i mean manager hyungs will never allow that of course, but right now we’re not even doing the cool stuff…” 

as yukhei blabbers on, you watch your boyfriend get up from the armchair he had been curled up on and make his way to his room. that’s your cue to leave. 

“make way for the ice cream truck!” kunhang sings as he carefully sets a tray of small bowls, all filled with scoops of green and pink coloured ice cream, onto the coffee table.

“actually yukhei, you can have my ice cream.” you say, getting on your feet.

“really? thanks!” yukhei smiles as kunhang lets out a loud “huh”. 

“wait, are you guys not joining us anymore? we’re watching harry potter tonight!” dejun yells. 

“again?” ten sighs. as you walk down the hallway, you hear him whine about something along the lines of watching another movie for once. 

your hand reaches for the handle of the door to kun’s bedroom, but it swings open and an equally shocked yangyang rushes out as if he wasn’t supposed to be there — even though it was his bedroom too.

you step into the quiet room, shutting the door behind you before turning around to the sight of kun sitting on the edge of his bed relaxedly, his palms flat against the mattress and his legs spread a bit further than usual. there’s that look on his face again.

“hey.” you say softly, not sure how to read him. 

“really?” kun lets out a tiny chuckle. 

“what?”

“don’t act all innocent now.” he whines. “you were asking me to hit it like a side chick, baby. and 34 35, whatever that means.”

you burst into laughter. “it means we should 69. or do i have to explain what that means as well?” 

“god.”

“i’ll let you do anything to me. and i’ll do anything for you.” 

kun groans, running a hand through his hair. that image alone makes you want to rip the white t-shirt off him and to pounce onto him. 

there are a lot of filthy things you want him to do to you. for now, you’ll have to settle for less.

“this is a really sudden, baby. but i’m not complaining.” 

the grin on your face softens into a smirk as you saunter over to him, casually lowering your knees by his sides and planting yourself in his lap. someday he’ll find out what sparked all of this, but not today.

“i said a lot of things, you know. where should we start?” 

he stares back at you incredulously — and yet, his hands are kneading the inside of your thighs. just as he’s about to reply, a bunch of knocks on the door steals both of your attention.

“are y’all joining us or not?” 

it’s ten, who already sounds tired from being surrounded by his younger brothers. 

“we’ll join you guys a bit! go ahead and start without us.” kun shouts.

you turn back to smile at him suggestively, resting your arms on his shoulders and gently massaging the nape of his neck. when he plants wet kisses along your collarbones and up to your jaw, you sigh in satisfaction.

“let’s start by locking the door.”

#wayv scenarios #nct scenarios #kpop scenarios #kun scenarios #kun x reader #kun fluff #kun imagines #wayv kun #qian kun #wayv imagines #wayv fluff #wayv x reader #kpop fluff #nct fluff #kpop imagines #nct imagines

[lots-o-stuff]

okay so i’ve been obsessed with your writing like god damn, save some talent for the rest of us please 😔 but i would like to make a request 😳 headcons of tsuki, sugawara, and daichi with a s/o that sleeps very late. like 3am+ type late, so they’re always on the verge of sleeping during class and usually don’t have breakfast since they wake up last minute n all. stuff like that. thank you 😭💕

EEEEEE oh my god!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! ahhh I saw this as I was leaving school and I was like trying not to cry happy tears!! Alos this was EXTREMELY self indulgent because, like, who sleeps?? hahah not me thats for sure! This was seriously so much fun so thank you for the request!

Tsukki:

I believe that Tsukki himself is quite the night owl, he will be up till 12 reading, listening to music, maybe studying but he always make sure to be in bed by 12:30

you however can lose track of time VERY VERY easily so before you and tsukki started dating you were up till 3am on a daily maybe even later on a weekend

when you both got together you had offhandedly mentioned to him that you were a bit of a night owl, this prompted him too ask how late you stay up exactly

because well… he was a night owl so you cant be that much worse than him right? WRONG

He was quite surprised on the inside that you stayed up till 3am daily, I mean how did you not fall asleep halfway through the day?

after that he started to notice how much not sleeping and staying up so late actually affected you

you would always complain about missing breakfast from sleeping in late, as well as that he noticed how you would daze out during class and not be paying attention

after that Tsukki made a promise to himself. When he went to sleep he would text or call you and tell you to go too sleep

at first you were very confused because… Tsukki? are you ok? awww you care?

You listened to him after that because he could always tell when you stayed up later… no matter how much you tried to hide it hmph

Suga:

ok so suga is NOT a night owl at all, i firmly believe that he needs, in his words, his "Beauty sleep"

and well… you aren’t exactly the fall asleep at 9pm type person. Your more the "Im going to be in bed by 9:30 tonight" but end up awake till 3 watching a how to play the harmonica video on youtube and no you don’t own a harmonica either

when you both got together sleeping schedules weren’t something mentioned so he never realised that you stayed up so late

when he did find out it was because you sent him a youtube link to a tiktok POV compilation that you somehow had ended up on at 2 in the morning

honestly a first he was annoyed because well if he doesn’t get enough sleep he looks like a walking trashcan whereas you look like an angel and its not fair

but then he realised just how tired you were during the day and decided to put an end to your late night youtube spirals

so he annoyed you… no i’m not joking i personally believe that Suga can be bitchier than Oikawa so yes he ANNOYED YOU into going to bed early

how you ask? well he started with spam messaging you at 9pm to sleep, when that didn’t seem to work he made reasons for you too get up early, like getting you up early so you could get breakfast at a cafe together

and then as a final attempt at getting you to sleep he said that he would stay up as long as you do and obviously your like "No way" because He needs his sleep

well lets just say that you now make sure to go to bed semi early so around 10:30, 11:00.

Daichi:

Daichi is in bed by 8:30pm or on big day maybe 9-9:30, sorry but thats just who he is. He needs his sleep so he can be well rested and ready for school/practice the next day

you? ah what’s wrong with a little sleep deprivation every now and then aka everyday it’s not THAT bad your just a lil tired ya know?

i honest to god feel as though that is how you two met and got together, you fell asleep in your last class of the day and Daichi had come up and woken you

you in your dazed half asleep sort of mumbled out a "sorry i didn’t get much sleep last night" whilst packing up your stuff and leaving the room rubbing your eyes

the next day in that class Daichi comes up to you as it ends you actually stayed awake this time and asked if you got better sleep last night?

you slightly confused realised that this was the same person who woke you up yesterday so you sorta of shyly jus said that you don’t get much sleep any night, thus your friendship and eventual relationship

You can not tell me that Daichi isn’t the person who would go onto your phone with permission of course and secretly set up screen time so you cant be on your phone past say 9:30 except for messages because he still wants you to be able to message him if you need him

at first you were shocked, and then you became really annoyed because, wtf, why? and you would bug him for the password (which he refuses to give you)

….it worked…. somehow this stupid screen time that your very loving boyfriend set for you worked to get you too sleep earlier and on days where you just couldn’t sleep he would be up texting you till 3 am if need be

You are extremely grateful for the day that Daichi saw his classmate sleeping in the corner of the room and decided to be nice and wake you up

Again thank you so much for requesting I loved this. If you have any request please just hop int my ask box and send away because i LOVE writing requests!!!

#haikyuu!! #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu headcanons #tsukishima x reader #tsukishima #tsukishima headcanons #sugawara #suga x reader #suga #sugawara x reader #suga headcanons #sugawara headcanon #daichi #daichi x reader #daichi headcanon #karasuno #karasuno x reader #karasuno headcanons

[queenmylovely]

Wedding Party- Mini i

Summary: Ben hardy x fem!reader. Lucy interrupts your night with Ben when she finds out about the two of you. 

Word Count: 1.4k

Warnings: cussing, smut (hand job, oral, unprotected sex [wrap it before you tap it], exhibitionism [just while on the phone idk if that counts lol], etc.) (18+!! not marked bc it all is)

Request: Wedding Party hc please? Maybe about Lucy's reaction when she found out that reader and Ben hooked up? (original ask from @illfoandillfie​)

A/N: I... went off? lol idk what came over me but here ya go. Obviously this is not a hc but that’s bc I have no self-control. This is technically part of my 700 etc. celebration so feel free to check that out with the links below (am I a youtuber?). Any feedback is super appreciated but especially replies, messages, and asks are super helpful for my writing ‘cause I get to hear what you think!

what’s going on send me stuff!

Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV, Mini ii, Masterlist

(Ben and Lucy gif bc lol why not, ignore fake rog, gif by @arthursleclerc​​ formerly @bens-hardy) 

💖💖💖

Everyone but Lucy had figured out where the two of you had disappeared to after the reception, but she was busy with… other things then, so she wasn’t paying attention. Rami obviously didn’t bring it up on their honeymoon because again, they’re… busy, and you’re definitely not gonna text her just to tell her that. Especially because you’re not sure how she’s going to react. Sure Rami said that she didn’t care except for wedding interference, but you were still a little worried she was going to yell at you when she found out. Yeah, best to wait until after the honeymoon.

So you went about your life, going to work, hanging with friends, dating Ben (!), and planned to tell her at brunch after she got back. In fact, the night before that brunch, you and Ben had plans.

The two of you went to dinner and then stayed at the same restaurant, just moving over to the bar for another drink. You knew you should only stay a little while so you wouldn’t be too tired for brunch. So, you brought Ben along to your apartment around 9:30pm, which left a good two hours for sex, a shower, snacks if necessary, and plenty of cuddles before going to sleep.  

Fifteen minutes from when you got back to your place, you were both already in your bed with your pants and underwear and Ben’s shirt off. Ben was gasping as you left a trail of kisses and bites down his torso. You were leaving a nice hickey right along his v line as you unbuttoned and unzipped his pants. Then you tugged them down along with his boxer briefs, letting his hard cock hit his stomach as they came off.

Taking him in your hand, you started pumping his cock, pressing a couple kisses to his base. Then you slowed your hand and kissed his tip, making Ben suck in a breath. A couple kisses more and you finally sucked his head into your mouth, smiling around it when you heard Ben’s pitchy sigh. Using your hand and your mouth, you worked his cock deeper and deeper until he was hitting the back of your throat and Ben was moaning loudly. You pulled him out of your mouth, still going with your hand and pursed your lips, running them up and down his shaft and Ben made a weak sound at the sight.

“Fuck, you’re-- you’re so good,” Ben managed to get out, a hand brushing your hair away from your face as the other propped up on his elbow so he could see better.

Knowing what it would do to him, you made a show of opening your mouth and letting a line of spit drip onto his cock before using your hand to spread it all along his length. Ben moaned and bit his lip, eyes focused straight on what you were doing.

Then you put his head back in your mouth, sucking and swirling your tongue along the underside in the way that you knew would make Ben get close. He let out a whine and you sped up your hand, twisting your wrist every few times to keep it varied. You kept going, squeezing your hand a little tighter and sucking a little harder, ready to go until Ben either stopped you or he came in your mouth. You were happy with either because you knew you’d either be fucked or eaten out good; Ben never let you go without an orgasm.

Ben himself was having an internal debate over which he wanted because this felt so good but did he want to give up being in your pussy? Then he remembered that he still had another 45 minutes before you needed to shower and decided why not do both, he would be able to recover to fuck you after making you come with his mouth.

“Oh fuck I’m close-- I’m close,” Ben warned you and you hummed around him, ready to take all he had to give when suddenly your phone rang. Your surprise pulled you from the moment and you pulled Ben’s dick from your mouth to his dismay. But as you wiped your hand on his thigh and looked around for your phone, you didn’t notice his panting breaths from being unintentionally edged.

Once you found your phone on your desk on the other side of the room, you frowned, realizing that it was Lucy calling. By the time, you would’ve thought she was either in the airport or on her way home.

Just in case it was something important, you answered, “Luce? Is everything okay?”

“You and Ben are dating?!?!” she yelled into the phone and you had to hold it away from your ear to protect your hearing.

You looked to Ben to gauge his reaction and saw that he was not bothered with whatever Lucy was saying, far too preoccupied with his cock leaking precum. Seeing that his tip was a matching bright red to his face you felt your stomach flip. Then you shot him a sorry face before answering Lucy.

“You’re shouting. But, yeah I guess we are, yeah,” you told her, walking across the room to sit on the bed next to where Ben was still laying.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Lucy asked at a more reasonable volume.

You placed your hand on Ben’s thigh and he made a small sound but you shushed him, “Well, you guys were on your honeymoon, I didn’t think it was necessary information.”

“Rude. So, tell me about it! How many dates have you been on?” Lucy asked excitedly and you had to smile a little.

Then you turned your head away from Ben’s body and moved your other hand from his thigh to his cock. Ben hissed at the contact but you just shot him a quick look before slowly starting to pump his length.

“Hold up, are you not mad about this?” you asked, wanting to make sure everything was clear before you moved on. “You’re the one that made all those rules for us.”

“Okay think about it. If you two had fucked right out of the gate at the dinner party, it would’ve been a one and done thing, and you’d probably avoid or ignore each other other than fucking to keep from developing anything. But if you became real friends first…” Lucy trailed off and you momentarily tightened your grip on both your phone and Ben’s dick.

Ben practically squeaked and you had to cough to cover it up, sending him an apologetic look.

“Are you trying to take credit for us dating?” you asked with a disbelieving laugh.

“Are you trying to tell me I’m wrong?” Lucy countered and you sped your hand up a little to keep from getting frustrated. Ben bit his lip to stifle a moan.

“Whatever, let’s just move on,” you conceded and you both knew that that meant you thought she wasn’t all wrong.

“Okay, so how many dates?”

“We’ve gone on four dates, I guess, but we’ve hung out like four more times other than that. Well, some of them were just continuations,” you said slyly, winking at Ben as you palmed his head. At this point, he just grabbed a pillow and held it over his face. You smiled to yourself as you waited for Lucy’s reply.

“Continuations? I can’t say I’m surprised,” she said with a giggle and you rolled your eyes.

“Shut up,” you said with a laugh.

“So when did you see him last?” Lucy said, still wanting to be caught up.

“We went to dinner tonight,” you told her, twisting your wrist again and you could hear Ben’s faint moan under the pillow.

“Oh, no continuations?” she asked cheekily. You saw Ben’s hand blindly reach around before finding your thigh and squeezing to let you know that he’s close. So you slowed down your hand, going from base to tip slowly and carefully, squeezing your hand and twisting your wrist and you could see his cock twitching for more stimulation. The sight made you squeeze your legs together, starting to get desperate for more yourself.

“Well--” you started.

Lucy audibly gasped over the line, “Am I interrupting? Oh no, okay, we’ll talk tomorrow. Have fun!”

You said goodbye over Lucy’s laughs and hung up.

As soon as he heard the beep, Ben threw off the pillow, took your hand off of him, and pulled you all the way onto the bed.

“I can’t wait anymore,” Ben said as he moved you onto your back, lining his cock up with your entrance and sliding all the way into your dripping pussy as you both whined at the feeling.

Ben started to slam in and out of you and as his cock slid in and out of you harshly, you both moaned in satisfaction, “Oh fuck.”

💖💖💖

Permanent taglist: @riseetothesun​​ @caborhapch​​​ @drowseoftaylor​​ @queenlover05​​ @johndeaconshands​​ @supersonicfreddie​​

Series taglist: @killer-queen-87​​​​ @theprettyandthereckless​​​​ @radiob-l-a-hblah​​​​ @theonsasheart​​​​ @hannafuckingsucks​​​​​

If you would like to be added to the taglist for this little series or my permanent one, just send me a message or ask!

#the idea came to me and I could not stop myself #tagging bc its the same universe #bohemian rhapsody #borhap #ben hardy #ben jones #smut #fic #series #wedding party #qml 700 followers celebration #queenmylovely #brigid #borhap x reader #bohemian rhapsody x reader #bohemian rapsody movie #borhap boys #borhap cast

[edisacornball]

If I don’t do this the instant I’ve noticed it, then I will inevitably forget about it (thanks ADHD) so I guess we’re doing this right now, haha. 

1. name/nickname: Theodore/Ed (I know, I know. Believe me, it was an unintentional thing that happened when I changed my name. I literally just picked the male version of my deadname, and then life happened and I got nicknamed Ed, and... It’s a long story and no one cares, but yeah.)

2. gender: Male... ish. Nonbinary, but I use he/him pronouns most frequently and I usually just let the cis people around me make assumtions because I am tired. 

3. star sign: Scorpio

4. height: 5′8″

5. time: Currently 9:30pm

6. birthday: It’s in October. That’s all I’m putting out. 

7. favorite bands/groups: Imagine Dragons is my top fave, and then probably They Might Be Giants and Muse. 

8. favorite solo artist: Mmm... Adam Young?

9. song stuck in my head: Currently? Panic Station by Muse

10. last movie: Pursuit of Happyness (I know I said this answer last time, but I don’t watch things that often, okay?)

11. last show: I actually just started Gilmore Girls today because it was pointed out that I’m writing a story about a teenage girl named Rory and her single parent and they have Gilmore Girls vibes, SO. Research. 

12. when did i create this blog: Oh gosh. Um. *checks notes* 2013?? But admittedly, I left it alone for a long while and only came back recently, Oct 2020.

13. what do i post: FMA, writing, social justice stuff

14. last thing googled: “how to group chat on discord” I’m OLD, OKAY??

15. other blogs: Remember that thing about ADHD and me forgetting stuff? Yeah. I can’t handle more than one blog, lol. 

16. do i get asks: Very, very occasionally! I’m always happy to interact with people and such, I’m just used to feeling like a bother/annoyance too. 

17. why did i choose this url: Originally this was an RP blog, and I wanted to stand out from all the cool edgy Eds, because I preferred just being... silly. Little did I know everyone would end up asking me what a “cornball” is for eternity. (You know how being corny means being silly? Yeah. A cornball is that, but a person.)

18. following: 259

19. followers: 316 (I think a large majority of those are deactivated by now with my super long absence and all)

20. average hours of sleep: Either way too much or way too little. 

21. lucky number: 14

22. instruments: Viola since I was ten

23. what am i wearing: Uhh.... *glances down at self* Red hoodie, black sweatpants, really lazy ponytail? Oh, and fox socks. Because foxes. 

24. dream job: Literally at this point, just a job that doesn’t overwork me for too little pay and actually sees me as human? 

25. dream trip: Just a really, really long road trip. Like a whole year just going everywhere and anywhere. Just living in an RV or something.

26. favorite food: Beef stroganoff

27. nationality: American

28. favorite song: Once Upon a December

29. last book read: ...FMA manga. I’m researching, alright? 

30. three fictional universes you’d like to live in: I’m good. My spouse is here, and anywhere without them wouldn’t feel like home. And any fictional world with them wouldn’t really matter because I could be happy and comfortable anywhere if they were there. 

Thanks to @envythepalmtree for thinking of me! I’m not going to tag anyone because that’s too many brain cells right now, but if you’d like to do it and blame me, go for it. 

#real life

[katiekatburkett]

A Little Lost

I have a paper journal, I write in it frequently, but there has been a lot going on and I really want my thoughts...out there...in case something happens.  I will eventually post about the whole backstory leading up to the last couple of days but to save time tonight I will just say my sister and her husband and their cat came to stay with my mom and I until they could get a couple of paychecks under their belt and they have been ungrateful to say the least.

A small preface I suffer from mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and BPD.  Which are all under the watchful eye of a wonderful team of mental health professionals.  With my anxiety, there are certain things that have to be done a certain way to keep my mind at ease.  One of these things being, before I go to bed, everyone in the house needs to be home and the doors need to be locked.  Not unreasonable, right?

Well last night at 9:30pm I’m sitting on the couch relaxing with a cup of tea and my sister and her husband come down fully dressed and she has her purse.  She’s like “we’re going out” and I look at my watch and I tell them you better hurry, door locks in 30 minutes.  They say “we’ve got a key” and I said “no I mean the deadbolt locks at 10.  We only have one key to that” and she says “okay don’t lock the deadbolt” after which I say “I said what I said” and her husband very snarkily says “I guess we’ll sleep in our truck” and they leave.  I get up and lock the deadbolt, I guess they will then won’t they?

My mother has a much bigger heart than I do and says we’ll just wait up for them and then we will have a chat in the morning.  1:30AM, they didn’t get home until 1:30 in the freaking morning!  And my mother and I are obviously very upset and very tired at this point.  My sister says “oh what, are we in trouble?” and we don’t say anything we just say goodnight and we’ll talk in the morning.  My sister and her husband head up to their room muttering under their breaths like the teenagers they’re acting like.

Fast forward to this morning, they come down around 9:30 and my sister already on the defense says “well let’s do this and get on with our day” so my mom is TRYING to explain to her the importance of having everyone in and the door locked when I go to bed, for my mental health.  That it’s an anxiety thing and I don’t feel safe unless it’s done.  And all she can say is “we have a key, we have a key” and then throwing out “why are you treating us like grounded 20 year olds” and I tell her she’s not grasping the point and she spouts something off again and at that point I tell my mom to handle it and I head to the back bedroom to have myself a good cry of frustration.

After my mom defuses the situation she comes to check on me and per the stipulation of them staying until they get paid as long as there are NO issues, which this had made the last of MANY I tell my mom “they’ve got until Friday to get out” and that was the end of that.

Now to the point of this whole long rant.  Later in the day, I’m still in the back bedroom on my computer with the door closed, my sister comes in and asks “do we really have to be out by Friday” to which I answer with a simple “yep” I’m not going to instigate anything.  She leaves, visibly angry and once out in the hall she says “I didn’t know it was this hard to get a 5150″ which if you’re not familiar a 5150 is a 72 hour involuntary psych hold.  I am so pissed I am shaking and am out of my chair in two second and in the hallway telling her to say it to my face, which of course she won’t she’s just stuttering and stammering about her husband has the same issues that I do.  So I report to our sister, my backbone, and tell her exactly what our sister had said and of course this sister rips into the one staying with my mother and I. 

It literally took two second for my sister to come flying down the stairs calling for my mom saying she didn’t say that and she would never do anything like that.  Now I have extremely good hearing, sometimes too good for my own good, and I KNOW what I heard, so she was either already trying to get me held under a 5150 and failed or was getting ready to.  But based on the statement of “not knowing it was so hard” I would venture to say she was already attempting to get the psych hold put on me.  Of course it’s difficult to do when you have no grounds for your claims other than being mad that you got your three days to get the hell out.

That being said, I’m scared, I’ve been scared for a while.  Since some other things happen.  I sleep on the second floor where their room is and I have to push my dresser against my bedroom door every night because I am honestly scared that her husband might do something to me while I’m sleeping.  I don’t really have any thing to base this off of, HE hasn’t done much but been condescending, but I’ve had a bad vibe and feeling about him from day one.  I did finally get a lock for my bedroom door which I’m going to install tomorrow.  But I honestly am scared and I don’t feel safe in my own house.  And the sucky part is, I can’t even call the crisis line and talk about how I’m feeling because if I tell them I don’t feel safe they are obligated to send police to my residence and I don’t want to stir up that kind of trouble.

Anyway, that’s what’s been going on, the short version.  Like I said in the beginning I just wanted it out here...where anybody could see it.  In case something happens between now and Friday.

[jwi-sung]

all i see is you → kim doyoung

☞ masterlist

ʀᴇǫᴜᴇsᴛᴇᴅ ʙʏ: anon; could you write a doyoung drabble with prompt 6 and 80, fluff and perhaps a little angst? 💕

ɢᴇɴʀᴇ: drabble, fluff, with a bit of angst

ᴀᴜᴛʜᴏʀ’s ɴᴏᴛᴇs: i may or may not have added more than a bit of angst and i may or may not have cried writing this hizzuckkkk

ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢ: swearing!!

ɪɴsᴘɪʀᴀᴛɪᴏɴ: this and this ohmygod i feel so attacked

D-9

“you are given the whole week to prepare for your debate. you better talk with your partners about your strategy and such,” your professor reminds the students. “i’ll see you tomorrow. class dismissed.”

the bell rang.

as soon as you were about to get out of the room, you felt someone grab your arm. you turn to face that person, he’s wearing a white hoodie with a black shirt inside. his face looks cold like those who you’d want to avoid.

“y/n, oh wait, sorry for that,” doyoung, one of your partners, say. “when are you free?”

“u-uh, i have a boyfriend.” you stutter. doyoung chuckled out a laugh, “no, i mean for the debate planning. don’t worry, i’ve already asked ten about it. he says he’s free whenever.”

wow he laughs. i barely even hear him talk.

“oh, tomorrow, saturday.” you say. “okay, it’s settled. 3pm?” he smiles. “sure.” you smile back.

D-8

“i’ll just get our orders.” doyoung said. you and ten nod to him, smiling.

“so are you sure he isn’t into you?” ten asks. “who? doyoung?” you gave him a puzzled look. “yeah, i mean for sure it isn’t only me who notice how his eyes sparkle whenever you talk.”

“pfft! as if.” you shrug it off.

“oh my god! i think this is the first time i’ve encountered someone who isn’t whipped for nct u’s members.” ten slow claps at you.

D-6

you were on the floor, wearing your pajamas, typing away your speech when you feel someone hug your back. it was 9pm when yuta, your boyfriend, surprises you at your dorm. he knows you’ve been staying up late these days because of your debate.

“baby, you haven’t been sleeping well because of this debate.” yuta pouts. “i’m sorry baby,” you answer. “don’t worry once doyoung, ten, and i are finished with the debate i’ll be free.”

“doyoung?” he asks, shockingly. “as in doyoung from nct u?”

“no, it’s doyoung from my literature class,” you jokingly say. “kidding! yeah, him. why? what’s wrong?” you ask. “stay away from him.” yuta’s face turned grim and suddenly, the whole atmosphere became serious.

“why? he seemed nice.” your voice became more and more quiet. “y/n, he’s one of the bad guys and i don’t want you to get hurt.” he says as he nuzzles his head on crook of your neck.

you turn to your boyfriend and say, “you know what, after this debate i’ll stay away from doyoung and his group.”

“for you.” you send him a sweet smile.

D-3

“well, i better get going. i have after school classes to go to,” ten says to doyoung and you. “bye guys! just text me if you need something.”

“bye ten! stay safe.” you wave to him.

“y/n,” doyoung catches your attention. “want to go for some ice cream? i-i mean i know we just finished eating at this cafe, but—“

“i’m in,” you laugh. “i’m kinda craving for one anyway.”

you walk to this ice cream shop that’s just a few steps away from the cafe you went to. you ordered yourself a bubble gum flavored ice cream while doyoung ordered a matcha flavored one.

as you were about to pull out your wallet, doyoung insisted that he’ll pay. you didn’t want to budge at first, but he kept insisting so you gave in. you sat at one of those bar stools near the window.

“you know, everyone keeps telling me you’re the bad guy.” you casually say. “really now?” doyoung laughs. “is that true?” you ask.

“i mean my friends are assholes at times, but not all of us are,” he says. “i’m more of like the sober guy who takes care of them and take them home safely, but whatever floats your boat.” he proceeded to take a bite of his ice cream.

“so, you’re not really a bad guy after all.” you conclude. “i guess not.” doyoung said, smiling at you.

after some time, you check your watch seeing that it’s already 9:15pm. “hey, i need to get going. you need to go home too,” you say looking at him. “it’s getting late.”

“come on i’ll give you a ride.” he offers. “oh, no, thank you. i’ll just ride the bus.” you say. “if you insist,” he says. “let me walk you to the bus stop.”

you wave to him goodbye as you got inside the bus.

D-2

you, doyoung, and ten were rehearsing your debate. ten asks, “could you pass me that?” he points at the paper that lays between you and doyoung. as you were about to grab the paper, you felt a hand brush over you.

“oh, sorry. i didn’t see your hand.” doyoung suddenly said.

“i-it’s okay.” you couldn’t look at him. you could only look at your hands as you pass the paper to ten. this reminded you of the first time you talked to him, almost a week ago.

you didn’t see it, but ten was looking at the both of you, smirking.

D-1

why am i like this? 

you kept thinking about him. not yuta, but doyoung. you're stressed not because of the debate that’s about to happen in a while, but because you feel guilty.

your thoughts were cut when you hear a whisper, “don’t need to be nervous, just relax.” you turned to the voice only to be shocked at how close your face is to doyoung.

“shit.” you mumbled. “w-what?” he blinked.

“uhh, nothing.” you fidget with the sleeves of your cardigan.

fortunately, your group won the debate. after announcing the winner you three did a group hug. doyoung offered you both an invite to this party nct u will be holding tomorrow at jaehyun’s house.

“sure!” ten agreed. “how ‘bout you?” ten asked, looking at you. “i can’t, sorry.” you say. “why?” doyoung pouts. “come on, it’ll be a lot of fun!” he added.

“well, you see, i have this date tomorrow with yuta.” you shyly say. “o-oh, okay then.” you can see the sadness in his eyes.

later that night you laid on your bed, while thinking about today. you decided to text your boyfriend.

[y/n]: babe!     —8:45pm

two hours later, he still wasn’t answering. you thought that maybe he’s just doing some errands. you were getting sleepy waiting for him to reply so you sent him one last message before going to bed.

[y/n]: yuta, baby. good night! i love you so much ♡      —10:30pm

D-0

[y/n]: can’t wait to see u today!!      —2:01pm

it’s 2pm. you’re getting ready for your date with yuta. you wore a light yellow long sleeve with jean shorts, along with some white keds for your shoes. 

you get to the restaurant, that’s reserved for the both of you, first. when will yuta ever beat me at being early? you giggled. checking the time of your phone, you’ve been sat for thirty minutes now. you tried to call your boyfriend.

[calling love ♥....]

he wasn’t picking up, so you decided to call again.

[calling love ♥....]

and he still didn’t pick up the phone call. you texted his roommate.

[y/n]: hi johnny! have you seen yuta? he hasn’t been in contact with me since last night.

[johnny]: he’s somewhere here at nct u’s party. i saw him a while ago.

[y/n]: really? thank you so much!

[johnny]: no problem.

you were so angry at yuta. first, he doesn’t contact you. second, he forgets your date. third, he hates nct u’s guts, but he’s there at their party. you take a taxi to jaehyun’s house. as you open the front door, you were startled when the first person you saw was none other than a shocked doyoung.

“h-hi, is yuta there?” you ask. “yeah, i saw him here a while ago.” he points inside the crowded house whilst holding a red cup. “may i come in?” you ask again. “sure.”

doyoung helped you to look for yuta. you both were walking upstairs and doyoung asked, “aren’t you supposed to be on a date with him today?”

“i thought so too.” you couldn’t think properly with all the anger building up inside you. you opened doors after doors looking for yuta. you saw things you shouldn’t have seen. you were on the last door when you heard,

“i’m in love with you, okay?” it sounded like a girl. “whenever i saw her with you, i was jealous.”

“i love you too.” you heard a faint, but familiar voice. you open the door and you saw yuta kissing a different girl.

tears were building up, “yuta—” your voiced cracked. “y/n...” yuta said.

you ran away and yuta tried to chase after you. you passed by doyoung who heard everything. as you got downstairs, you were trapped by jaehyun, taeyong, and winwin. “hey baby! where do you think you’re going?” jaehyun asked. they’re clearly drunk.

“fuck off guys!” doyoung pushed them off. “come on, doyoungie. the party’s just about to start!”

you ran outside, but it was raining. you kneeled on the grass sobbing. “y/n! it’s raining!” doyoung catches up to you and tries to shield the rain for you by using his jacket. “let’s get you home.” you both rode in his car and you were still sobbing.

“did they hurt you?” he asked, looking over at you. you shook your head no and mumbled, “but yuta did.”

you got inside your dorm room and doyoung offered to make you soup. you changed into your pajamas and got in bed. hugging your knees, you started crying again. “here’s your soup,” doyoung entered the room. “hey, it’s going to be okay.” he put down the soup on your bedside table and hugged you while rubbing your back comfortingly.

you hugged him back as you mumbled, “he chose me, but he still loved her.”

after you’ve calmed down, you ate the soup he made, “thank you.”

“no problem, y/n.” he gave a soft smile. you were so tired from what happened today that you started to get sleepy. doyoung tucked you in and was about to go when you held his hand.

“please stay.” you said. “okay,” he went beside you and hummed a lullaby. “good night, y/n.”

you also bid a good night to doyoung as he kissed your temple.

#nct scenarios #nct #nct 2018 #nct 127 #nct u #doyoung scenarios #doyoung imagines #doyoung #kim doyoung scenarios #kim doyoung

[thomas-anonymous-nyc]

Hi, it’s October 22, 2019

3:05am

This is the thing, a thing I notice, a thing that’s real.

The problem with drunkenness is that it’s both the solution (when you’re uncomfortable and sober) and the problem (when you’re too drunk) to your problems.

I go to LH. I meet Leah, we talk, she’s cute. I have a heart to heart with A. I talk shit with other people. I see Leo. I feel good about how I am.

But I keep going out to seek further perspective, looking for more answers. And as I get more tired, more easily distracted, the answer gets kicked to tomorrow -- when I’m more awake, have more energy.

Therein lies the coping mechanism.

It’s 3:07am. I should wake up around 7:45am tomorrow. I will likely blame some of my lack in productivity precisely on this right now but will still be in a conflicted state of mind.

And then it’s easy to push it all off ‘til the day after. Real easy to excusive it all until the dilemma hits another breaking point.

This is a mechanism I just yawned hard and fat right now. I can’t think worth shit. This is a mechanism bb.

----------------------------

1:30am I am drunk and I want to write this honestly

I am both trying to understand why I want to be drunk and also want to write out that I know that being drunk is a bullshit state of mind.

I sent Meri a message of one word: Salzburg

I’m kind of in love with her. But if I had to guess it, I know she knows that I’ve been drunk a few times when messaging her.

She has met some incredible people here in New York. What is she, blind? Why would she settle?

I’m not going to do this anymore, man. There will be a time in the future when I can go away and it’s all easy... but not now. Definitely not now.

Leah and Leo... ahhh

---------------------

12:39am I’m thinking about outs and opportunism. I wanted to go to LHP and ended up meeting Leah; wanted to go to Archie’s and ended up seeing Leo for the last time;

I’ve used these opportunities before to draw some type of conclusion about things.

October 21, 201911:30pm To Adam: I’ve always had these declarations I’ve made... and when I procrastinate on making them it sorta gives me an out. My entry is too ambig and all that... so I wanna tell you first so even when I’ve been thinking about it you know I actually do it too

11:25pm I’ve become enameled with my drunken self because it feels like the me I want to be. I just told Meri “Salzburg” as I walk down the street waiting for her reply, confident to tell her how I really feel, confident that I’m telling her how I feel it’ll give me the fuel to act upon those feelings. It’s a façade and I know that

11:22pM My optimism? There is nothing wrong with what I just did — the act of it. Only the relationship with what I have done. There will one day be a time I can go in twice a week and do what I did. I won’t be need to avoid this forever m

11:04pm To Adam

One day, I’d love to go to my favorite bar, have one or two beers, and go home. I don’t think that time is now. I’m embarrassed to ask this but I’d like you to keep me honest

Let’s do this til May. I think, and I know, that the best way to learn is to “deprive” myself by learning to “love” something else — books and movies. It’s going to take a bit of time but when I see the money I save and the starry eyes in which I see the world, it’ll be real

Faulkner and drunkenness. Damn I want to read those books

10:40pm Since that last entry I’ve had a shot of mezcal with Wright and started this short IPA.

As I’ve gotten a little drunker I’ve gotten more comfortable. I almost asked Meri right now if she’s in love, something I want to know when I’m sober. I want to tell Adam how I’m doing, tell Katherine that I love her but it’s ok. I know that I’m dealing with issues but this all feels “right” — I wonder why though?

The funny thing is, I like drunk me. Besides lack of sleep and penchant for bad food, drunk me is pretty great — maybe that’s what makes drunk me so dangerous

Drunk me provides me with both the honesty to be who I really think I am with the hope and sincere belief that tomorrow will be better — both “because of this revelation” and because of these feelings

10:21pm Jay Z/Nas sample I exist in conflict. I’m looking at these beers I’ve consumed and I’ve been here for about 2 hours. I both feel like I will miss this as well as feel like I can’t have it. Oh man. Why not have 2 beers and only 2 beers? Why chase s high?

Am I chasing a high or avoiding a pain? Uncertainty.

9:27pm I’m thinking about being here on a Monday. 2nd beer. Do I feel sorry for myself? And what do I do differently?

I have empathy for myself but I know this can’t persist. To have something that I trust in to do every day. I remember asking Jody that one time, telling her, how liberating it is to know that I would do exactly what I said I’d do.

Ya boy doesn’t want this. I’m not going to bend, break like previously it’s this and this only tonight.

8:59pm I’ve avoided today a bit; reading and feeling. There is dancing and meditation and programming and logging.

[workforitandjustdoit]

It still feels surreal to think that I’ve just competed at Ironman 70.3 World Championship. While the result and the race were not what I wanted or expected. It’s hard to feel bummed about it given that it was an amazing experience. I will go in the negative and the lessons later on, but let’s focus on the positive and the experience first! I haven’t thought about what I’m going to write exactly, but I can guarantee you it will be a long read! So feel free to scroll for the pictures or just the race day recap further down, if not, grab a snack and carry on!

Pre-race

We left for Chattanooga Thursday afternoon, the plan was to land early night in Atlanta, sleep there and build my bike at the hotel before driving to Chattanooga on Friday morning. The plane was 1h30 late, so safe to say that I crashed as soon as we got to the hotel, while my boyfriend was watching the Patriots game (because we ain’t going to miss that no matter what!) Both of us forgot to put our alarm the next morning, but thanks to me not being able to sleep past 8am we were only 45min late. I got in a massive carb-loaded breakfast and we hit the road. Traffic was heavy with all the Floridian evacuating but we made it to the expo with plenty of time to check in, meet up with some friends … oh and buy a new helmet, because yes I forgot mine… I then went back to the hotel room to build my bike. (in 15minutes!! Am I a pro yet) I went for a quick spin to test everything out. Looked like it worked well, only had a little problem shifting to my easiest gear, which was 100% needed given the cat2 climb I would have to bike up the next day. I fixed it (or thought I did) and brought my bike and gear bags to the transition before went back to the room relax for the rest of the day.

  Dropping the bag and bike

The squad

Boston Airport

We walked a lot on Friday, going to and from the transition, getting everything ready … and my foot was definitely not liking it, so after we were all done I iced it and we went to dinner. Lights out at 9pm, it’s definitely an advantage to be a grandma/going to bed at 9:30pm in my daily life, because going to bed at 9pm and falling asleep was not a problem!

Race day

The race had a later start and as per usual, I was one of the last wave, with an 8:49am start. That mean waking up at 5:50 to get in my breakfast (instead of 4:30am in Maine two weeks prior!) Ate the usual banana, oatmeal, peanut butter breakfast, some water and then we walked to the transition zone.

  Tire pressure checked, power meter checked, nutrition and hydration on the bike, all good to go. I watched the women pro start before finding a place to sit down while waiting for my start and try and enjoy the moment while my nerve were getting the best of me. The emotion kicked in as I was walking towards my start, but I held everything in and found my way to the swim corral where I got to meet Rachael and Steve who managed to get my mind off the race for a second and calm my nerves! Thank you!

Swim

Looking at the swim course and pretending to be calm…

The swim course was in the Tennessee River and obviously made harder because it’s worlds. (pretty much the theme of the day for this course) We had to swim, perpendicular to the current then up current for half the length of the swim and then back to the finish. The start was a dive start, it was pretty cool. I felt like a pro until I looked at the pictures and saw that I looked ridiculous diving… oups! (order of events below, I’m in first plan diving)

  The first part was fine I kept a hard pace to warm up and catch some feet (which didn’t happen) as soon as we hit the current part I started zigzagging like never before and even though I kept a pace which was an harder effort than usual I wasn’t moving fast. I just knew by then that it was going to be a long swim and a long day in general. The sun was blinding and I could barely see the yellow buoy, thus the not so straight swim, but I kept pushing until we hit the next turn. Then it became fun and I felt like I was flying. I guess the good thing about struggling up current for 20min is going with it afterwards! I finished the swim, almost tripped on the stairs on the way out, thank god for the volunteer and ran to transition.

Somewhere out there swimming against the current

Nutrition: Pre swim, 1 gel

Bike

Again why would we go around the mountain when we can just climb it right… I jumped on my bike only to realize that my power meter was not working. I’ve never been one to actually base my race on exact number, nor am I good at it, but for the climb I wanted to have it to make sure I wasn’t burning too many matches. Well that wasn’t going to happen, second resort was heart rate, and well my watch didn’t want to give me that either… I was at around 80 beats per minute in the middle of the climb, that didn’t make any sense. Having realized that, I figure I would just go by feel, which is what I usually do. (even though I will have to learn to use those numbers in the future because they do make you race better)

After about 10-15 minutes of flat terrain we hit the first steep portion. As I was about to shift on my easiest gear my bike made a weird noise and refused to go on it. Well that’s fun I immediately told myself… Can’t go on my easiest gear and I’m about to climb for almost an hour… Let’s just say that I had to stand to pedal in certain portion because it was so steep, and I couldn’t push hard enough. The last km of the Lookout Mountain climb was really fun because the view was breathtaking and there was so many spectators cheering, playing music, and encouraging you.

Google image, but one of the view point from the climb

However, since Thursday, a week and a half ago I’ve been having pain on the bottom, exterior of my right foot when I walk, run or climb on the bike. I iced it all week, limited my walking and running and felt ok starting the race, but as soon as I started climbing I felt the pain coming back. The good thing is the pain appeared immediately but stayed consistent and did not get worse throughout the bike portion. In the first half,  I mostly drank my bottle with concentrated sport nutrition in it because it was hard to get a long enough time to chew something with all that climbing. I also got in a gel and ate half of my energy bar.

Then the descent came and it was the best part of the ride, for obvious reasons. I love going fast downhill on my bike and it was a long descent with no sharp turns, as oppose to the Austria Worlds course in 2015 where they had to put gigantic gymnastic mat to prevent people from going over the guard rail and fall hundreds of feet… The rest of the bike portion was eventless apart from a car or two that where stuck in the middle of us. Some girls took advantage of it and drafted behind them for a minute or two… I mean why not! That’s not against the rules. At around mile 45 my legs started to hurt and were lacking power and energy, I was starting to feel the Ironman 70.3 I had done 13 days ago. I knew by then it was going to be a struggle to push. I got another gel down with some Gatorade, water and base salt, as it was also getting hot. I tried my best to keep it consistent until I hit the dismount line at the transition zone. And, as I put my right foot down the pain radiated through my entire leg and from then until the end of the run it got progressively worse with pain from the foot all the way to the ankle and calf.

Nutrition: 2.5 bottles of water, 1 bottle of concentrated Gatorade, 3 gels, 1 Fastbar and a few base salt licks.

T2: I had such scary expectations about the bike and swim portion. Worried that I wouldn’t be able to do it or do very poorly, so when I reach the transition zone, it was such a relief. Plus running (even when it’s not going well) is my favorite part!

Run

Right out of Transition

The run portion was a two loop course with plenty of aid station, hills, shade, spectators and change in terrain to make it interesting. It started with long uphill past the transition zone, the finish line and under the 2 bridges we would later run on. Then we ran in an isolated and shady wooden bike path, which was nice and quiet, something I need and crave when I’m racing and suffering. We then had to run up onto a bridge to cross the river and finally come back to start the second loop. I loved the loop and even though it was challenging it was great. I wish my right foot and ankle hadn’t been in so much pain and that my body had been fully recovered from Ironman 70.3 Maine so that I could have ran the run up to my standards and fitness level, but nevertheless it was fun (Type II fun obviously).

The first loop started well I was going at the prescribed heart rate. (Yes my watch decided to work once I started running…who knows) I was drinking one cup of water and 1 cup of Gatorade at each aid station, throwing a few on my head, and eating one cliff block every 2 miles or so. After the first long uphill out of transition, I got into a good rhythm and slowly caught up on girls in my age group one by one. I always get passed on the bike and do the passing on the run, which is what happened again. (Just another reminder that I need to work on my bike this off season) My boyfriend managed to be on each of the bridges for both loops which was a nice little relief every time. As I started the second loop my foot got progressively worst and I started feeling pain in my ankle and the nerve in my calf, I slowed down a little more but tried to keep my running form as relaxed and good as possible. The hills on the second loop felt steeper and longer but I couldn’t stop smiling (ok I was probably grimacing, but smiling inside) because I was about to finish my third Ironman 70.3 World Championship, and no matter the results, the pain, I had worked hard to be there and was doing something I love.

Some well needed distraction from the speedo sandwich throughout the run!

The pain, as it always does subsided for those few moments where I could hear the spectators at the finish line. I accelerated the pace on the last bridge and turn to the finish line. The crowd lining the chute helped me “sprint” on the red carpet and I finished the race happy, tired and ready to improve and work hard for next season.

Nutrition: As much water as I could get, 1 bottle of Gatorade (approx.), 4 clif blocks

A few numbers:

Swim:    Time: 36:39       Elevation: 0                            Rank: 45th

Bike:      Time: 3:02:54    Elevation: 3442ft (1049m)  Rank: 41st

Run:      Time: 1:48:32     Elevation: 975ft (297m)       Rank: 25th

Total race time:  5:33:45        Rank: 33th/80 in AG and 1st F18-24 Canadian

The volunteer at the finish line were amazing, they were immediately in your face trying to judge if I was OK, while wasn’t even sure myself. After gathering my thoughts I managed to moan an “I’m OK”. Then a reporter with a camera twice as large as my head asked me a few questions, and to be perfectly honest I don’t even remember what they were and what I said. Apparently I was in the closing video at the banquet so let’s hope I didn’t sound or look stupid and I can get my hands on this video to be the judge of that…!

Now that I’ve had a few days to think about the race and recover, (haven’t done anything in 3 days and I’m going crazy, I don’t like off season much, but my body and head need it) a few things came to my mind. This year, Worlds was my season “A” goal and race, and I wanted to be competitive in my age group in a stack field. Even though that didn’t happen it was worth every single training day, early morning, nonalcoholic beverages at the bar and missed party.

Looking back maybe I should not have raced Maine 13 days before, I know I wasn’t fully recovered when I stepped on the dock waiting for the horn. But racing with my parents and my brother meant more to me than anything and I don’t regret it.  I also didn’t run to my potential due to my foot. Finally, the last months as been really hard mentally, with every workout grueling and requiring my entire motivation to get it done. It was a long season. With my move to Boston, grad school and the start of a new job, my triathlon training and races tested me in every possible way, but I will come back to that in my end of season blog post. In the meantime I’m going to rest and make a plan for fall and the off-season, because I really want to run another marathon.

It’s a wrap

A huge thanks to:

My parents. Although they were not able to be at this race, because they were racing (valid reason) they are always behind me 100% in anything I do. I cannot begin to tell you how lucky I am to have them and share my passion with them. And I probably will never tell them enough how thankful I am.

All of my friends who support me and encourage me in triathlon and life! The one that train with me and the one that force me to do other thing than just train.

Spencer for encouraging me each day to be my best, coming with me at my races and being the best photographer. Keeping me grounded and bringing me back to reality once in a while.

E3coaching/team and Jorge for the great year of coaching, the advice, listening to me complain about my poor workouts and helping me get better.

Thank you to everyone who makes my journey possible and for taking a minute (OK maybe 10..) to read about my journey.

Ironman 70.3 Worlds Championships – September 9th, 2017 It still feels surreal to think that I’ve just competed at Ironman 70.3 World Championship. While the result and the race were not what I wanted or expected.

[summerdreamz]

7/3/17 1:30PM Attitude of Gratitude

Sticking with this practice for a little. I’m a little stressed and a little bummed seeing everyone have their holiday weekend. Alas, I am a worker.

1) Money keeps pouring in. Thank you universe. I am working today and a little tomorrow. Got a paycheck today that I totally forgot about.

2) I got a few invites for tomorrow. I have a tendency to spiral on holidays. Rather, only as of late. You know? Same old same old...I know what to expect, who to expect, and I feel AWFUL for feeling like I just have grown tired of it. I’ve got to change things up. Love my friends dearly but, if I keep doing what I’ve been doing, I’ll keep getting what I keep gettingggggggg. REGARDLESS, thank you for the invites. Glad people actually like me hahahaha. But honestly, I’ve got to be more courageous changing up the routines. I won’t meet people if I keep doing the same stuff and hanging with the same people. Sounds cold. But it’s the truth.  And that doesnt mean I have to be cut throat. That doesnt mean I have to tell dear friends, “GOODBYE FOREVER. I must fly and never speak with you.” Again, holidays have just been magnifying this for me. (And weddings too UGHHH lololol)

3) I woke up with zero plans. Got myself in my car and took a boxing class that I signed up for today. Glad I still have that drive. More importantly, I have to mention this lovely couple that helped me out. I was adamant about finding street parking...and I did. The spot was tight and this couple watched me pathetically attempt to park. They went out of their way....to help me. They stood right by the curb and told me when to stop, turn the wheel, and gave me enough pointers for the most incredible parallel parking job.

4) I have gotten some responses to some recent craigslist postings I’ve made. I am trying to move. Again. Trying to not lose the momentum. It’s time to leave. I’ve started looking around here and have also considered a move back to the west coast. Who knows. I’ll pay attention to the signs.

5) I received the nicest text from a friend last night. I have been blogging on wordpress and he was blown away by my writing style, my writing itself, and the content...and just couldn’t say enough nice things. Simple/kind words are things I eat up the most. It meant a lot. It was sweet.

6) The weather has been fantastic.

7) I am feeling SO MUCH BETTER.

8) I am healthy. I am alive.

9) OH WAIT! MY ROOMMATE has been at his beach house this whole weekend. It has been SO NICE to crank up the A.C. and not deal with his lunacy. #blessed.

#blesssed #attitude of gratitude #grateful #loa #law of attraction #thank you

[peraltiago-lover]

Life in a balance - Chapter 2

So, this is the second part or this fic and sorry for taking so long in this hahaha, I’ll try for this not to happen again. I hope you enjoy the chapter, this is a dramatic one! (More than usual hahaha) Thanks as always to @omelialover, you’re awesome. As always thanks for the reblogs, comments and likes, it makes me want to keep writing! Here we go!

The floor was cold and her head was pounding. She woke up confused and not knowing exactly what was happening. Opening her eyes, she realised that she was in a strange room; not too big and mostly white. She tried to stand up but she felt a big pain in her lower back and tears started to go down her cheeks. Then, she felt a soft kick. At least their baby was okay, that was good.

“Just stay safe baby, I’m going to get through this” she said while grabbing her tummy.

With a big effort she stood up and, with horror watched a woman laying on a table, looking so emaciated. That moment, she was checking her pulse when the big door started to open. She stepped back until her back touched the cold wall again, never stopping looking to the man that was now in the room.

“Look who’s up,” he started to get closes to her and she couldn’t go anywhere “come here.”

Amelia stayed there, frozen by the panic and not knowing what to do.

“I said come here!!” The man shouted and grabbed her arm fiercely, making Amelia close her eyes and instinctively put her arm around her belly. In that moment a young boy, around his 20s appeared.

“You shouldn’t shout like that… Someone could hear you..” he said, looking scared.

Then, the man let go of Amelia’s arm and hit the boy’s face so hard.

“What did I tell you about contradicting me?” The man looked at him with an angry face “Don’t dare doing that again you stupid kid, understood?” The boy didn’t respond and the man hit him again “understood?!” The boy, almost crying let a voice out “Y-yes sir”

Amelia, watching the whole scene had a face of horror. Then the man turned and stood right in front of her again.

“You,” he said grabbing Amelia’s arm again, causing it to turn red “you’re going to do something for me, whether you want to or not.”

“Wh-what is it?” She said with fear, barely audible.

“You’re going to operate on this woman’s brain” he said.

“What?” Amelia was so confused.

“You’re going to operate on her, right here”

“Are you crazy? No! I can’t operate on her here!” She said not believing what that man was asking her to do.

To this answer, the man stepped right in front of her and for the third time in barely 10 minutes, grabbed her arm again and shouted:

“You’re going to do it, I don’t care if you don’t want to, because if you don’t do it, or if you kill her, you can start saying goodbye to that ginger man you call husband,” the man approached his face a few centimeters from hers “and also to the baby you’re carrying”

And with these words, he threw her to the floor, making her hit her back and part of her belly, screaming because of the pain. He turned, and exited the room; then the young boy, looked Amelia with a sad and guilty face and then followed the man outside, closing the door behind him. Amelia, stayed there, tears falling down her cheeks and in pain, closing her eyes and praying for this to be just a dream.

It was almost 2am when Owen finally had the chance of going home. His shift was supposed to finish at 10, but his surgery got postponed. He made his way out of the hospital and drove his car home. He entered home, trying not to make noises so he wouldn’t wake up Amelia, and he arrived to their room expecting find her peacefully sleeping, but instead he found an empty bed.

“Amelia?” He said, but getting no response. He went to their bathroom “are you here?” But nothing. That moment he started to get worried, why wasn’t she at home? She left around 9:30pm and she said she was going to wait for him at home, she should have been here for hours. He registered the house just in case she was there, but seeing that he was alone, he took his phone and called her. 3 calls later and nothing; he was really worried.

“Okay, okay, maybe she got paged because of an emergency, or maybe she’s at Meredith’s” and the first thing that came to his mind was call Meredith.

“Hey Owen, it’s a little bit late, what do you want?” She said, sounding sleepy.

“Hi Mer, are you at the hospital?” He said thinking that maybe she saw her.

“No, I’m already at home, why? You need something?”

“And is Amelia there with you?” He said sounding anxious.

“No, she’s not here” she said, but he didn’t respond “Owen what’s wrong? Is she okay?” She said starting to get worried.

“I don’t know, I can’t find her. She said she was going to come home and that was hours ago” he was getting more and more anxious.

“Okay, this is what we’re going to do, you go to the hospital and see if she’s there, I’ll ask Maggie if she saw her and call Alex, until then, don’t worry, she must be in some on call room, or maybe she has been paged.” She said “Go, and stay calm”

Owen hung out and immediately grabbed car’s keys and go outside home, almost running, on his way to the hospital.

It had been almost an hour since that man left Amelia in that room with the unconscious woman. She was there, in the same position, feeling tired and in pain, not knowing how this happened. Why? Why now? It was always the same old story, everytime she gets some happiness, something bad happens, but this time it wasn’t only her in danger, but her unborn child. She decided not to stay there, not to stop, she decided to try to escape from that nightmare. Standing up using the wall as before, she examined the room. There was a small room, without anything else than a door, and those small windows at the top of it. They were too small and too high to try to escape through them. The only way was the door. She reached the door and tried to open it, when she realised that the young boy didn’t close it properly. “That’s luck”, she thought. And without making any noises she left the room. She walked down the hallways looking for the main entrance, and when she reached the hall, she saw the man sitting there, doing something with strange objects while the young boy was cleaning. Then, she decided that wasn’t an available option. She started to walk again to the other part of the house, trying not to make noises when she saw a landline. Without loosing a second she called Owen’s phone, this was her opportunity, she couldn’t miss it.

Owen entered the hospital running, and went straight to the nurses station.

“Have you seen Dr, Shepherd?” He asked to a nurse.

“No, doctor.” She said while looking at the computer “following this record, Dr Shepherd left almost 4 hours ago”

“What?” He was confused. If she wasn’t at the hospital, where she was? Then he started to be truly worried. That moment Arizona arrived to check some information at the computer when she saw Owen.

“Hey Owen, I thought you already left, why are you here again?” She said, with her happy face as always.

“I.. I left, it’s just..” he didn’t know what to say “ it’s Amelia, I can’t find her”

“What?” Her face suddenly changed

“I- she told me she would wait for me at home since my surgery got postponed.. she’s not at home, neither at Meredith’s, clearly not here..” Owen was starting to get more and more anxious.

That moment Mer and Alex arrived, saying with just their looks that they couldn’t find Amelia. They grabbed Owen and took him to the attendings lounge and closed the door behind them, this time, April, Callie and Nathan were there too.

“Owen, you have to relax, we’ll make some groups and go find her, she has to be somewhere.” Mer said, trying to be reasonable.

“I saw her leave around 10pm while I was doing my rounds, she cannot be here” Nathan said, positioning himself next to Owen.

“I think we should call the police”

“No,no, they will do nothing, until the 24 hours a person is not officially MIA”

“We should try to find her now and don’t lose time”

Everyone was talking at the same time, obviously very concerned and worried about their friend, the voices were loud and you couldn’t understand a thing.

Then Owen shouted “Shut up everyone!!” He said while looking to his phone “it’s her!” And he picked the phone up.

“Amelia!, Oh my god Amelia where are you, we thought you were lost!” He said, happy because she was okay.

“Owen, Owen I need you to listen to me carefully” her voice was low and she was barely crying.

“What? What’s happening?!”

“The guy who entered to the hospital this afternoon, he, he kidnapped me. I don’t know where I am, I just know this guy wants me to operate into a woman that might be dying or already dead or.. I don’t know Owen..” she was already crying “I’m scared, he told me that if I won’t do it, he would kill you, and would kill the baby and..”

Owen was shocked, listening to her and crying while doing it. “Amy, love, don’t worry okay? Don’t worry baby, I’ll find you, describe me the place, I’ll call the police, we’re going to find you, you will be okay,” his voice was cracking “Amelia I love you, I love you remember it, hold on, you can, do what he wants you to do, It doesn’t matter, just stay safe, I’ll find you”

“Owen, I hear something.. oh god I think they’re coming” she kept crying and she had barely no voice “Owen, Owen please, I..” the silence filled the line. Then a loud sound was listened and a scream of pain left Amelia’s throat.

“Amelia! Oh my god, Amy! Love, are you okay? Talk to me Amelia” he was shouting at this point.

“You must be Dr Hunt” a male voice talked to the phone.

“You son of a bitch! Don’t you dare to touch her, because if you do I swear to god that..” he said, out of his nerves and scared as hell.

“Keep it to yourself. It’s up to your wife to get out of here alive. If she does what I asked her to, her and your baby will be out of here.. even when I doubt that baby will still breathing after tonight. Don’t try a thing, I got her, and you could lose her any moment If you call the police. Goodbye Dr Hunt, remember, if you move, she’s dead.” And then the man hang up.

“No! Amelia!! Amelia!” He shouted to the phone and cried.

Everyone in the room was frozen. They held Owen to avoid him to fall and sat him on the sofa.

“Owen, Owen, what did just happened?” Meredith asked him, scared as hell “Where is she? What happened to her?”

“I..,she…,” He barely wasn’t able to talk “she was..” and Owen fainted before he could end his phrase.

“You, stupid woman!” The man shouted to Amelia just before hitting her right in the back making her to scream. He talked to Owen while Amelia was barely able to move and in excruciating pain.

“No, Owen…” Crying, thinking about what was going to happen next, watching how this men threatened Owen, she was barely unconscious.

“And now, looking that you don’t really care about yourself, if you try something else, the main target will be that baby you’re carrying, and believe me when I said that baby won’t make it if you move again.”

He left Amelia in that room again, this time she was stranded. In pain, hurt and alone in that room, without any other option than operate in that woman even when without the appropriate medical stuff and without a good place to do it, she would for sure die, and most of all, with her baby threatened by that man. She stayed there, crying for hours, praying for this ray of hope that was never given to her, to show up for the first time in her life, and not to lose something else, not to be the one always losing, not to have her fortune, just for once.

#Omelia #omeliafics #omeliaff #owen hunt #Amelia shepherd #Grey's anatomy #Grey's love #owelia #amen #Amelia Owen #love #drama #greysfanfic

[newyearnewmebitches]

9/7/2020, 12:10PM

I’m writing this post as a reflection of the past weekend. Honestly, such a good weekend, but now I'm in a weird mental place and I need to think on it.

I guess I can start on Friday, where I met up with SD at his apartment, and we got ready to go over to Buffalo, NY. It was 7-8PM, and he had just gotten out of clinic. I went back to his apartment so that he changed and he gathered up everything that he needed, and he gave me a little tour of his place. Then we drove out for the next 6-7 hours. It’s kind of surprising how quickly the car ride went, for something that was so long, and for 2 people that were so tired. We finally got there around 3-4AM, but we were talking and vibing for the entire ride. He had his hand on my thigh and tried to hold my hand the entire way up. Funny story, he also fingered me for 4 hours. I had my pants down, and he was going at it as we drove. We got lost and somehow ended up on the Canadian border, and I still had my pants and underwear off. As we slowed down, I threw my pants back on as we were greeted by 10 police officers, asking why we were trespassing onto Canada with the travel restrictions. We explained that we were going to Buffalo and took the wrong direction, however we still needed be inspected before being allowed to go back to the U.S.. Thank god, SD had all his documents, I can’t even imagine how stressful it must be considering he’s not a citizen and on visa. But of course, he was prepared as always. We had to exit the car as they inspected, and my dumbass self put on my pants inside out. oH WElll!~ it was 3AM, I'm sure the Canadian guards have seen weirder things. Anyways, during the ride we kept joking about how he always gets into trouble when he’s with me. He also shared a lot about growing up, updating and how life is so different in America, and that the lifestyle is very different and almost exhausting since it’s doesn’t align. He mentioned that I'm one out of a small handful of people that he respects and trusts, and I appreciate that. Honestly, for someone who is extremely closed off to people, knowing he has someone, even if it’s me, is reassuring. 

When we got to the hotel in Buffalo, we shared a bed next to Boris and Rachel on another bed. As we were trying to sleep, he continued to finger me. We tried to be as silent as possible, considering they were in the same room. He then commenced to go under the sheets and started to eat me out. Fuck. I didn’t do anything while we were in bed, but he continued to finger me, eat me out, and wow. I was really in my head about Rachel and Boris knowing we were having sex literally right next to them, but something about it was just really hot. And being quiet about it all, was also so fucking... hot. I don’t know. At 8AM, we noticed that Rachel and Boris were going down for breakfast, and that they were gone for awhile. So, we fucked. Wow, honestly I am NOT experienced. And when I fuck guys in the past, it’s something I was always so in my head about, and I never really took control, because I’d get so in my head. But knowing SD is so entuned with sexuality, he can read body language so well, and he knows that without me saying anything. And he takes charge, and he can tell what positions I don’t vibe with. I think I also suck at communicating. After we were finished, he was talking about how he’s been so stressed and burned out, and that the women in his life have been exhausting, which he also mentioned in the car ride. He said he didn’t want a relationship, but really wanted someone he could trust, and was saying like “sheesh is that asking for a lot nowadays?!” then turned to me saying, he’s growing to trust me a lot. And then asked if I had anything too say, where I quickly dismissed the fact, and was like, “we should get ready now, it’s almost 11AM.” 1. because we had been fucking for over 5-6 hours, we had to get ready because Rachel was still not back in the room, and I think they were mad at us. 2. I didn’t want to talk about it, or I have trouble talking about it. 

Then throughout the day, we explored Niagara. The entirety of the day it was me and SD hanging around and taking pictures. He had his arm around me the entire day, and we took a lot of pictures together. A random lady came up to us and said, “I don’t know if you guys are a couple or not, but you two are really cute together”. From there, we were both just like “thank youuuuu?!” and we continued to joke around the entire day. We went to the waterfront of lake eerie in buffalo after going to niagara, and we walked around together with his arm around my shoulder the entire time. Then we sat on a rock, with me in the middle of his legs, and he just held me and we talked and watched the sunset together. we were walking and talking more about life, and he said a lot of things that really resonated with me and I took as good advice. We are both really different people, what with me being really open and optimistic, and him being really private and him being ever so slightly cynical. But he mentioned the 6 month rule. If there’s anything going on in your life, wait out at least 6 months before telling people, because how people react will affect how take in the good news presently in your life, and it’s not your experience, but the shared experience how people impact the way you think you feel. It’s not just “yours” anymore. And you know he’s right. When I talked about me being happy about get a new job, and how st. peter’s and how they reacted was not what I had expected, and I became sad about animosity with my staff, that changed my perspective. it ruined my experience, although I was still excited. We talked about how Americans are so gossipy and impresisonable with media, we’re obsessed. And that’s a huge dislike for him. And you know he’s right. A part of me does seek validation from people in my life, and not everyone’s reaction will be all for me, if I tell close people. My experience is my experience, and I shouldn’t let outsider sources impact how I experience my accomplishments or dictate how I should feel. Thank you SD for that lesson.

That night, I couldn’t sleep, but SD was knocked OUTTTTTT, We woke up at 6AM to leave for Watkins glen state park, and to go back home to NB. I had work that night, so we really had to leave early. The entire car ride, he talked, listened to music, and I'm honestly so surprised how quickly a long car ride went with him. I tried to sleep for a majority of the ride, and he was really respectful. When we got to Watkins Glen park, I was on the edge of the gorge trying to take a picture, and he held me so I wouldn’t fall in, which I thought was very kind. he’s really a gentleman with girls, if you get passed his hard ass shell. We went to Moe’s for lunch on the way back, and he paid for my bowl. Then we finally got back ton NB at 5:30PM, and then I was eventually flexed. When we got out of the car, he kissed me, and I asked what was that for, for me being flexed? and he just laughed. He walked me to my car, and I left. 

SO WITH ALL OF THIS, I don’t know where tf I stand with him. Like I do? but I feel like my mind is cycling, know for a fact, that we both identify that we are not dating. But I think, defining things would feel a little better on my end. Maybe I should talk to him about it?

[gendermesenpai-blog]

8:50 pm

Okay, Firefox just fucking crashed and I lost like 3000 words that I just wrote. Fuck I am angry now. I was already having a shitty day and I am angry now.

I am going to angrily try to write what I remember from the post I was working on just now. Holy fuck this is frustrating and it makes me want to just go to bed and not even post anything. This shit is too much effort fuck

OK.

First of all, my medication costs almost nothing now. My prescription doubled this month and I am paying $2. Turns out there is actually pretty decent public healthcare here in this state.

This morning started normal enough, it was my first day on the new doseages and I am using an app now called Medisafe to track my schedule. This is because I was already missing doses before and now I have 3 a day. I went to work and they told us we were going to be doing more zipcodes. These are jobs we have been doing recently involving photographing properties where the owner owes money to the city. Our clients are interested in purchasing this debt. I don’t like it. It’s unethical, it makes me feel unsafe. I am a trans woman, I should not be running around in random neighborhoods putting a target on my back doing these zipcode jobs. And yet I am the one who has to map everything because no one else in the company knows how to use the internet and shit. I have done hundreds of these houses, they keep telling me to do it because I’m good at it. It feels like being punished. Oh, good job with these pictures, here’s a bunch more. I am getting into altercations with people, with drivers. I got chased off one block by a car today. I only got away because I can bunny hop speed bumps, he would have destroyed his car trying to follow me at that speed.

Anyway, I don’t like it. I had to change a flat out there today. I went to a church and changed it on the steps. I felt like that was the best I could do for my safety. I explained how I felt about this better in the post that Firefox crashed and destroyed. But anyway it sucks. At least there was another courier from my company doing a nearby section of houses and we rode out there together, met back up and smoked etc. Rode back together. I like him, he’s cool. Maybe I have a little crush or whatever. Nothing can be done. He’s not queer at all and I’ll probably never pass to any of these people because they know me too well in the male persona. Maybe I’ll look back at that and laugh one day when I have less beard shadow.

Anyway, rode back, they had pizza for us. I ate a lot. I could’ve eaten more. Haven’t been eating much lately because of money problems. I’ve gotten called in my last 2 off days. The last 2 Tuesdays. So no Uber except when I can sneak in a run or two, or after my regular shift when I’m already beat, or on weekends. Uber sucks anyway, I keep handing people bags of spilled shit. There is nothing special or weird about my bag. I have to imagine this is just what happens to every courier who uses a backpack to transport food. Things spill occasionally. Sometimes it’s like every fucking day though. I had to clean so much Tika Masala sauce out of my bag the other day. I’m about to just start carrying all food bags in my hand. I can control my speed with one hand on the bars now, either bar, no braking whatsoever except my legs. I can control my speed to a limited extent with no hands. Just noticed that one recently, it was something I suddenly learned, having gained awareness of by doing it.

OK but anyway, so I’m already pissed off from the zipcode shit, and they send me out to a drop near my house, so I hit my house, smoke, then cut down to the coffee place to take some coffee to go downtown. A week ago or a couple weeks ago or something, one of our drivers got into an altercation with a woman who works at this coffee place and happens to be a trans person of color. Apparently, something he said set her off and she shut down the shop, saying something about “fuck white people.” I think this is awesome. Everyone at my company thinks it is ridiculous and keep talking about her in a demeaning way. So I have already heard this story multiple times, and every time it’s told, even by our female dispatcher, it is always “trans woman.” They say it every single time, never just woman, never woman of color. Always “this trans woman at the coffee place.” But anyway, I hadn’t heard the driver himself talking about until today, and he managed to piss me off so quick, holy shit. He was basically asking who did the coffee run today, does *SHE* still work there, and he said she super sarcastically or like in an intentionally derogatory or insincere way. Of course, I did the coffee run, but I have no interest in talking about the fact that I saw the woman there, waved, and she didn’t acknowledge me, because that would just support their narrative about this crazy *trans* woman who hates white people and has it out for our tiny random delivery company. Also, right before he walked in and started talking about this, we had been trying to smoke a blunt outside and our two main office people, the guy who started the company and his weird pseudo girlfriend who lives above the office and is basically our main dispatcher, the two of them, started yelling about how we can’t smoke weed because the people across the street said something blah blah I don’t know, it’s fucking infantile, so I walked away to smoke around the corner and she followed us to like, scold us and say no we can’t smoke there either, only in the back yard or blah blah and I’m going like, wow, really, you’re my fucking mom and you’re going to tell me what to do now? We were going behind our work van, no one could’ve seen us. I should’ve told her to fuck off, she was being paranoid and we weren’t doing anything wrong. But anyway, so I was on edge from that and already thinking about leaving, and this guy starts talking about this trans woman this and trans woman that and emphaszing *SHE* and *HER* everytime he said it, and then I hear him go “yeah shes a tranny” and I’m just like oh wow ok. This is the reality of my life. I work at a company where people get to use slurs against me in my own office, and I can’t say anything because no one knows I am trans. So i nudged the only guy there who knows, and I was like, do you hear this? And he hadn’t been paying attention. And then I left. It was starting to rain so I just went to 7/11 and bought a burrito and took 5 bucks cash back out to pay my roommate for bud. And I’ve just been here since then, kind of hating myself and my life. Even though I live in this great rowhome, my medication costs $2 a month, I get high all the time and ride bikes for money, yadad ada.

Also, and this is almost certainly related, my self esteem is directly inversly proportional to the visibility of my beard shadow. No shadow, high esteem. Big shadow, low esteem. And I haven’t shaved in like 2 days or something. I just didn’t have time this morning. I hate it I hate it I hate it why can’t I burn it all off I hate it fucking dysphoria fucking fucking fucking shit

I get paid tomorrow. I am expecting maybe $700. I will have to pay one of my drug dealers $70, another $110. Then I have to pay at least $150 on my Paypal Credit. I owed them $400 in March and now it’s up to like $550 from fees. So $150 to put it back where it was. Then I need a new Boombotix because the charging port fell into the casing of my last one. Considering just jumping into the minirigs but $115 is a lot for a speaker during a month like this when the Boombotix is only $20. Then I need to buy razors, new shorts, maybe new Sidis if I can find them for less than $100. Some new furniture for my room, a dresser at least. And a chair. Time Atac pedals so I can stop popping out during skids. A fresh gatorskin since mine is very badly worn out. From skidding.

On the upside, I am getting really good at skids now. Probably doesn’t justify $60/mo on tires, but yeah.My desktop and laptop are both pretty fucked up right now, might need to look into some possibilities there.

I’m straight up alternating eating peanut butter and drinking water right now. Now I’m laying down. I have to stay up until like 11pm to take my 3rd dose. 8am, 3:30pm, 11pm. It’s 9:30 now.I still haven’t watched the show footage. I feel very cringy about that. It is over and done with, I should just watch the footage and laugh and move on. But I haven’t watched any of it. The dude still hasn’t sent me everything he has, but I haven’t even watched the 2 videos he did send.

I feel disgusting

dysphoria fuck u

laser hair removal is far too expensive

shaving is too tedious

waxing seems terrifying in a way I can’t rationally explain

how do I just

ugh

thank u for reading my poem

[ndyckman-blog]

A yummy 7 months Old

As I write this, you are a yummy 7 months old but in a little over a week from now you’ll turn 8 months. Oh sweet girl, these are the best days of my life with you and your daddy. He’s currently sleeping next to me layed out on the couch and it is 1:30am on a Monday. This has been our routine since you have been born, it has worked out for us so far. You start falling asleep the latest 9:30pm and then your daddy and I hang out watching movies and just relaxing with each other, your daddy is always the first to fall asleep. I use to always be the first to fall asleep but the tables have turned, you’re daddy has been working so hard for you and me, he is always tired goes to work everyday joyfully and honorably for us, we are the luckiest girls in the world to have him.

You are currently sound a sleep in your bouncer and you couldn’t be more beautiful, I am always looking at you and telling you’re daddy that I just can’t handle how sweet and beautiful you are. About 30 minutes ago, I looked at you and looked at daddy and said “my heart” I tear up every time I tell daddy how crazy I am about you. Daddy also can never get enough of you, he is always giving you besitos and can’t get over how cute you are, he makes you do these funny dance moves and you let him and we absolutely love it and laugh about it all the time. Any way, I’ll share more about all the different milestones you have reached.

I’m so excited to begin this journey of writing about you and I’m so sorry darling girl that I have started this late, Ive just been so caught up with life, taking care of you and also trying to keep our home together. Time flies by when you become a parent but yet also feels like it has slowed down for me since you were born, because my hours, minutes and seconds consist of me smothering you with kisses and watching you sleep.

This has to be my most favorite month of your growth, at 7 months old, you are doing whole lot of baby talk, laughing, you are always smiling, any day now you should be crawling. You stand on your feet with your cute little butt in the air and lunge yourself forward, thats how you have figured you could move around. You do high fives, waving, sitting on your own, eating solids, so far you loooovvve, avocado and oatmeal. I hope to never forget this cute little wave you do with you hands, its the sweetest thing. Bath time is fun and oh so precious, You said mama and dada this morning but I know you still don’t know yet that it is your daddy and I. You are really enjoying a set of blocks your grandpa recently bought you, and you love patty cake, who is the king of the Jungle, raindrops and gum drops, and a few other songs I sing to you, you love when I read to you and At night when I have you sitting and facing towards me you love to swing yourself back, your little head hangs off of me and you love to push yourself off of me and go closer and closer to the ground. You are a lot like me, I loved doing that with your abuelita when I was a little girl.

We are still nursing! yay! our nursing moments are my most favorite because I get to have the most sweetest and prettiest little eyes gaze directly at me and you always put your sweet little hand on my chest, Its been the most rewarding experience. You are so attached to mommy and I absolutely love it. Elise, you are such a sweet gift to your daddy and I and we are just so crazy about you, nothing you could ever do can make us love you less. There will never be enough words to express how much we love you and yet I am so amazed that Father God loves you way more than daddy and I could ever love you. Becoming your mommy has taught me so much of Father Gods heart for us and has drawn me closer to him. I will be going down memory lane and writing down my labor and your birth day as well as all the months and milestones leading up to now. You have your daddy’s and my heart forever sweet girl.

All my love, Mommy