#i've been feeling so apathetic lately i didn't know how much i needed something like this | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

erebosblue · 1 year

Text

welcome to: I never post but I kinda want to sum up how I feel about (616) Peter Parker.

so, like. I've tried to do this many times and always end up coming short of fully explaining myself because I have ✨𝓂𝒶𝓃𝓎 𝒻𝑒𝑒𝓁𝒾𝓃𝑔𝓈.✨

note: I have done an ass ton of research over my couple years of loving Spidey, but that does not mean I know everything. if something sounds wrong, it might be! I'm just a 17 year old idiot who got attached to an absolute mess of human being.

note #2: I am trying not to make this all about how much I dislike MCU Peter, but it will come up from time to time so just be aware of that.

first and foremost, I want to talk about comics as a whole. a lot of choices around characters have less to do with what a character would actually do and more what a writer wants or general comic/societal culture at the time. every character will be different depending on the writer and you're gonna make your own interpretation of a character from what you like. that doesn't mean certain things can't be out of character, just that a comic character can vary quite a bit depending on the person. that's part of the fun of comics tbh.

what I'm trying to say is that if my character analysis doesn't feel like it's what you read, it very well might not be and that's okay. Peter is a character that's been around since the 60's. he's developed over time and will continue to as time goes on. like, for instance, how he's changed from a high school kid trying to get by to a mid-to late twenties mentor for Miles (1610) and Gwen (65).

alright onto more interesting points. and actually a kinda heavily debated topic. whether Peter is a naturally good person or not. mainly this is just about his origin and how he really just straight did not care. honestly, part of the reason I really like how the comics did his origin is that he's not an self-absorbed prick. (even though it would be reasonable if he was considering he was 15.) he's more,,, jaded.

Peter was a social outcast his whole life. he didn't make any sort of friend until Freshman year. he's also super traumatized. his parents' death is kinda over-looked a lot, but it was shown that it really set in action his fear about everyone around him dying that has only gotten worse from, well, just that happening. he's shown in younger years to help people, and even in Freshman year he puts his safety on the line to make sure his bullies don't get stabbed by his friend, but he also kinda just,,, doesn't care.

personally, I really like characters that are inherently good people, but are limited by trauma making them apathetic. (ahem me with a male P3 protag icon.) not all trauma responses are loud or easy to fix. it's totally reasonable for Peter to close himself off from a world that has only been cruel to him, but the fact that moves past this? yes, it took a tragedy, but sometimes you need something big happening to realize.

Peter is inherently a good person, but he's also,,, short-sighted at times. he can royally fuck up because he was trying to do the right thing and just really missed the mark. but I honestly thinks this makes him more likable. intent doesn't change the affect, but if you're a vigilante, you're gonna fuck up from time to time. he's always been a hero grounded in reality and I don't think that makes him any less of a good person.

speaking of trauma, the fact that he hated working with other heroes for the longest time is mwah chef's kiss. mans did not make a real friend until college so, like, of course he's gonna have problems trusting other heroes. (especially since most heroes have tried to kill him but that's neither here nor there.)

this is one of the times I will be ragging on MCU Peter so skip to the next paragraph if you don't want that. there are many reasons not to like MCU Peter wanting to be an Avenger so goddamn bad, but one of the ones that irk me so much is the fact that it just gets rid of so much character development. 616 Peter had to learn how to trust heroes, to trust people, with something as serious as his life after being tormented by basically everyone that wasn't his caretakers. he now works with heroes just fine but like??? it's been a long ass time you can't just skip all that.

anyway, moving on. another thing I just fucking love about 616 Peter is how he is just a ball of fucking rage. this is basically never explored outside of 616 but it is genuinely one of my favorite parts of the comics. this man has been put through so many things and he is just so. done. like the canonical reason why him having Venom is a bad idea is because Venom specifically will go feral when their host is pissed and Peter is, to state again, a ball of rage.

like, yes, sometimes he doesn't kill because ✨moral compass✨ but more recently a lot of the times he hasn't is because The Giant Web That Holds The Entire Multiverse Together Said No.™️ I could make a whole post about how much I adore Spider-Totem stuff, and I just might, but my point is Peter is just done with shit and life in general and I love it.

this is so rambly and not gonna go over everything I want it to, but I'm gonna get powering on until I have to go to bed.

I also genuinely love how even though they will never come out and say Peter is any sort of queer of way, he is so queer-coded. his relationship with many of his male friends is fruity as FUCK and Peter straight wore a crop top with the word animal across it and booty shorts. (if you've never seen it, let me treat you.)

this hasn't even covered half of what I know I want to cover so let me speedrun some points before I literally pass out.

Peter "I'm partial to clones" Parker and his relationship with Kaine and Ben is my favorite relationship dynamic (/p) in all of 616. the fact that they are just absolute bastards to each other but only they are allowed to be. no one else can touch the others.

Peter's closest hero friendships being Daredevil, Wolverine, Johnny Storm (I can't remember his hero name right now I think I'm officially losing it,) and Deadpool is so fucking good. he just loves someone that he can argue with and that is also my ideal friendship. just absolutely besties and fuck with each other but will absolutely kill for each other.

I love Peter being a teacher and/or mentor SO MUCH. please I need more of it, no one appreciates how good of a teacher he is and it's mean. :(

his guilt. man as someone with an awful guilt complex I just,, adore his so much. the way that every other character is like "woah dude chill" is just so fucking funny to me as he mentally just shuts down because oh god how dare he not be perfect.

unrelated but the fact that Miles can tell the difference between how Peter and Ben talk is literally one of my favorite facts. like that says two things.

Miles knows Peter so well that he knows the way he talks and

Peter and Ben have become such different people that they talk with different speech patterns and/or in different tones of voice.

personally, I headcanon that Ben rambles more and talks in a higher register but kyldktdoy this is off topic- (I should make a Ben post too.)

okay, I'm delirious, the point is: Peter is a really interesting and good character and I love him so much. I personally resonate a lot with how he handles trauma and I think it's well done. but stldykd that's just me.

I'll add on later because I know I have more to say.

#marvel #marvel comics #spiderman #peter parker #616 peter parker #marvel 616 #miles molares #ben reilly #I mentioned those two enough I think #I think I'm gonna start posting my ramblings here #Peter is my little meow meow I love him #anti mcu #not like fully but-#I have *a lot* of gripes

28 notes · View notes

beginning-to-be-happy · 17 days

Text

A fair question for your SO if you're considering marriage or are already married:

How do you see me? What do you think my flaws and strengths are and what do you like about me? What do you think of when you look at me for an extended period?

If your spouse or future spouse struggles to answer these questions, is merely annoyed by these questions or focuses on only things you need to improve on or things about you that pisses them off, you need to realize that what they're asking you to do is to give your life and loyalty to someone who treats you like you're disposable, or like you don't matter, or like an annoyance they put up with. It's not fair for them to ask you to devote your one and only life to that kind of apathetic hatred.

Don't let some unspoken agreement of dull resignation become your life. You need someone who treats you as an equal and as someone who sees how you make their life better, or you need no one at all.

Please don't be afraid to be single and alone. Alone and lonely is 100x better than being stuck in a marriage and lonely. I'm not super old, but I was married for a long time, long enough to see the years stretching out ahead of me with nothing but struggle, being misunderstood and never appreciated no matter how hard I tried. He dutifully told me he loved me and called me Beautiful like it was my name, but his actions didn't match his words.

It almost killed me. I can't overstate that enough, and you can believe or not.

If I'd been less afraid of heights or already had a gun at the time, or if I'd been unable to conceive (and therefore didn't have my kids to give me a reason to stay) I would not be here. I wouldn't be living in the house I fought so hard to buy. I wouldn't be sitting here on my couch with a candle lit playing a video game, posting on Tumblr and watching interesting facts about space with spicy Ramen warming my tummy.

I wouldn't be feeding my cat wet food because she's breastfeeding 5 kittens and she's looking really thin lately. I wouldn't be gently stroking the kitten's heads anticipating when they'll be old enough to play and give away to some of my acquaintances that want a kitten. I wouldn't be cultivating a garden and getting an arm tattoo at 41 and planning out homesteading one day with chickens living in the silence and peace of rural America where I can stand in my back field and feel the wind on my skin and know I did this all by myself.

In my dark times, I think of all the good, calm things I've experienced since I left my ex husband and I try to remember that all these good things happened because of me. Because I trusted that tiny, tiny voice inside that said there might be something on the other side of all this pain. The pain and darkness were so much louder for so long, but the tiny voice is starting to gain strength.

It will get better, I know it will. All it takes is a shitload of patience.

#motivation #optimistic #tw depressing stuff #personal rant #relationships #happily single

1 note · View note

dnalkaline · 2 months

Text

I'm on temazepam right now because I'm having a hard time sleeping and that usually makes me feel kinda Down and rambly so I feel the need to type this out somewhere I can easily find it later. I don't expect myself to do anything drastic because under normal circumstances I'm too apathetic to do anything (yaaay SzPD perks)

I've nearly died over half a dozen times in my life due to random accidents, and sometimes I wish that one of those times had actually taken me out.

. . .

I don't even know where to begin. I don't even know why I'm still here. I'm such a failure. I don't remember how to do my degree due to the brain rot so my education is useless. I've been trying to pick up new skills but it's so hard. My dyslexia and other brain problems make me remember things out of order, and the damage to my temporal lobes and other parts of my brain make it very hard to me to retain new knowledge sometimes, especially when it comes to learning how to do something. Growing up, everyone always pushed me to be some modern renaissance man jack-of-all-trades which is why I have basic knowledge on a lot of stuff, but now I barely remember how to do fuckall.

I'm stuck doing odd metaphysical-related jobs for weirdos who have a suspicious amount of money to be spending on things like spells and me summoning demons for them or crystals because it's one of the few things I remember how to do properly. And even though I do like it in a vacuum, it feels so humiliating whenever "normal" people ask me what my occupation is.

I just tell them I'm a freelance artist but the truth is my art is too niche or sucks and barely anyone buys anything anymore. Part of the reason I give away so much stuff to people is because it's so depressing having it around and not selling that I just want the stupid things out of my fucking house. Since social media in general is going down the shitter (like Twitter), it's been harder to try and advertise and get better reach.

Not to mention a lot of the things I'm capable of doing are things I learned back in high school, because most of my college education went out the window since that was before my neurodegenerative disease was diagnosed so I was unmedicated and genuinely not retaining information. I feel like I'm timelocked and sometimes I do genuinely forget I'm almost 30 and I have to shake myself out of moments where I think I'm just ~23 again and fresh out of college.

I tried having a "real" job for a steady source of income, but it was too much. I was in so much pain. I got endo surgery recently which helped relieve a lot of my chronic pain/fatigue but now I have to deal with the problem that my joints suck and hurt all the time so I still need mobility aids to walk for anything more than a quick trip to the store. I don't qualify for SSI because I'm mentally competent enough to run an Etsy store and I make just barely enough money that they wouldn't allow me anyway.

. . .

And then it's just... Ok.

When I was a teenager, I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. I was basically missing for 2 weeks to everyone except my mom and, like, 2 people online I managed to tell before my phone was confiscated.

TL;DR nobody else gave a shit about me. All my "friends" IRL didn't think it was a huge deal and nobody even said something like "oh, glad to have you back." I had 0 missed calls (not counting telemarketers), 0 direct texts, 0 DMs on Skype or tumblr. Nobody noticed. Even my IRL friends just... Didn't seem to care that I didn't make their weekly meetups we had.

And I keep trying to tell myself it won't happen again, but sometimes... I wonder. I want to believe things are different, but there's a nagging feeling in the back of my head about it.

I try not to think about it, but sometimes it worms its way back into my mind no matter how much progress I've made in therapy.

. . . Lately I was having another one of these... Introspective nights. And so I went to bed, and I just... Tried to pray or wish or beg, or... Whatever for a good dream. Some dream vision that would give me some sort of inclination on how to fix my life. Or improve it in any way possible.

... What I got, was a dream of my family berating me for being a useless piece of shit, and some kind of force giving me intrusive thoughts and instructions on how to (very realistically) make a cocktail of medicine I have IRL that would surefire cause an overdose and kill me, along with other instructions such as walking into the woods and doing it in the middle of nowhere so nobody would be able to find and save me.

I'm not sure what to think about this. I don't want to "give up" like that. I still have things that I need to finish, because I promised people I would finish it. The only thing I pride myself is being semi-reliable when people need me to do something.

I like being useful. I like being the problem-solver and the smartest bitch in the room. And part of the reason I keep feeling worse and worse is... As time goes on, and my health deteriorates... I'm not "useful" anymore. I struggle doing tasks that used to be easy to me. Sometimes I can barely even remember how to draw.

The only thing I never wanted to lose was my mind. It was my worst fear- worse than death. And now I'm in a position where it's still all I have left, but just barely in comparison to how I used to be.

. . .

Even though with modern medicine my lifespan has been expanded so I'll probably make it to middle age, I don't know if it'll be worth it.

It's likely I'll never be able to do the things I want to do. Unless I marry some guy who is doing pretty decent, I'll probably be trapped below the poverty line forever unless I want to just full-on scam people and play along with some stupid cult shit in occult spaces (which I really don't want to do).

But like... In my ideal world. I want to live. I WANT to hit the stereotypical "milestones" most people do. I want to get married (not necessarily for romantic reasons but for some platonic life partner and just for the experience of being married). I want to have my own apartment or condo or small house or whatever. I want to be able to go outside and do... Something. Anything. Meet some people. Go to a club. IDK. Things I can't do right now. Even if it never ends up being the most glamorous thing, I want to be able to sell my art and stuff.

. . .

I have made recently and have been filling out a checklist of all the obligations I'd like to fulfill before I'm "allowed" to die. My reasoning is that if I complete it all, I might not want to die anymore, and I managed to do stuff I wanted to do. And then, if I still want to die, then I can die with as few regrets as possible.

I haven't told my therapist about most of all this because I don't want to be forced back to the mental ward. They were racist and really mean to me there, and I can't afford being away from my store for more than a few days at a time because I basically live paycheck-to-paycheck and I have to help pay the mortgage.

I don't even know what to do anymore. I know a lot of people don't really believe in magic shit but I've had to make deals with demons and stuff like that just to survive. And like- It has been helping, I get more attention on my spiritual store and stuff, and I've found some doctors who have given me better treatment than my old ones. But like. There's only so many things magic can help with and if you're genuinely that SOL then it's not gonna fix everything.

But it's also like... If I'm that hard to keep alive. Then is it really worth it? I feel like people would get over it if I disappeared. I mean, I know a few people would be really upset, but... I don't know. That thing I mentioned earlier makes it so hard to be optimistic about related things.

I'm getting tired. I don't know what else I was going to type about this stupid shit. This isn't mean to be some guilt trip thing. I know people have their own problems and I don't blame anyone if they don't have the mental capacity to read all this or can't help in any meaningful way. The only time I get mad at people not helping me is when people promise me they'll do something for me and then just ghost me because I don't fucking know.

I just. Have to get it all out somewhere or else I will implode. You know how it is.

I hope miracles exist. I keep getting divination results (from multiple sources, friends and stuff) saying something really good is going to happen soon-ish and fruits of labor and stuff but. I don't know. Ugh. Usually that stuff never ends up true for me. It's always one step forward, two steps back. Or nothing happens at all.

#null rambles #nobody has to read this but it's one of those 'if i dont scream into the void i will explode'#sui ideation tw

0 notes

jkeuphoriadreamland · 2 years

Note

I understand your point and why you're upset . So, don't think about it too much. Indifferent people aren't worth your anger or emotion. That's how the world is. Nobody really cares. Yes, people want your content, and don't care about you. Yes, that's disgusting. That's how it is. If you're upset that no one cares, well it's a legitimate feeling. I understand that. Have a good circle of friends around you, yes, set boundaries and enjoy life.

But when you know the world is like this, why mull about it? Don't waste your breath or energy thinking about it. People are never going to change. They like free things and they want to produce content even when you had COVID? That's gross. You have a right to be mad.

If people genuinely like you, they'll be concerned. If you earn love, concern, respect will automatically follow. People don't bother to interact, so they don't know you as a person. People treat you like a machine, because they want relief for their personal pain. How selfish. That's how indifferent we have become. As for why they didn't ask about your health, well, there could be a gamut of reasons. They maybe hesitant to approach you, they don't care, they like your content, but not you. And for the callous behaviour, yes, be clear. Not rude.

'Do not curse on this blog. It's unacceptable. I'm not going to repeat it.'

'You must be new here, stop cursing you ignorant anon'

Which one sounded better? The anon who can't speak English well felt like she got slapped. You probably felt the same when she cursed at you. I know her, so i know that she meant no harm. Yes, please vent. It's your blog.bwe are all going through something. We can't all communicate effectively or provide sympathy and advice. Others don't want to sound disingenuous.

If indifferent people are apathetic to you, don't waste your time on them. Take this as a bitter lesson and move on.

Also, stop labelling me as an attention seeker. That's not what I want.

Baby, clearly you're bothered by something. This is the last ask I'll be answering. There are bigger things going on in the world. I complain in my small corner, which btw I made that post about a month ago. Besides war and disease and rage...which is going on everyday, I would like my blog to be a place for me to be at peace.

If you don't agree with something I do, like I said, you can leave. It's truly so simple. I've done it many times. Why linger and hover on my blog? I am allowed to express myself on my platform. You telling me to get over it and move on is super rude. Maybe take your own advice. I understand what you have said before and are saying now. I have worked with many cultures and people who's first language is not English, but what I have come to find is that...kindness is universal. I understand the tone of the ask perfectly and you are not being kind.

Please just unfollow me if I bother you that much. I have no other advice for you. Your ask is only making me want to delete my entire blog because what's the point if no one likes me?

I am dealing with so much shit in life right now. I do not need your unsolicited advice, darling. I was writing, but now suddenly I have stopped thanks to you. I have been on this blog for over two years and have never had issues with anyone thinking I'm mean. Whoever your friend is, they need to move onnnnn.

You really should be sleeping, love. It's quite late where you live.

#anon ask #last one im answering

4 notes · View notes

blindedbythedarkness · 3 years

Text

Josh,

I don't like who I am right now. Yet, I also know I'm in no position to change.

I've never told anyone this, but when I first started at uni, I sought counseling because I was afraid I was a psychopath. I knew on some level that if I really was one, then I would be unlikely to care. But I've always had an inexplicable fascination with them, and I'd learnt from that that they aren't completely apathetic. So, I talked it over with the counselor. How sometimes I feel nothing at all and entirely indifferent to other's suffering. How I discovered early on that I could manipulate others my age, and adults, to get what I wanted. How at its worst, it brought me a sick joy to be able to do these things; to have the power to suppress my humanity.

And then I explained everything else. How I could feel empathy, sometimes so strongly it had paralyzed me. How I'd never felt safe at home or felt welcome elsewhere. How I'd been forced to conceal my true identity and feelings for as long as I could remember. How I'd gone through a parental divorce and neglect and abuse and homelessness. And I explained that I didn't like the parts of me that lined up with psychopathy, because when I did finally switch back on my humanity, I felt horribly guilty. I explained how I had made a pact with myself aged 14 never to let that side of me out, especially around those I loved, because I didn't want to take advantage of them. Even if I could.

The counselor put my mind at ease. She assured me that I'm not a psychopath, I'd just been in survival mode the whole time. The only way I'd found to protect myself through the shit I'd lived through was simply not to feel it at all. And I'd probably become skilled at manipulation because it was the only way for child-me to get my needs met. I thought I was a freak and a villain, but it turned out that whole time, I was just trying to survive.

But you see, Josh, I see it again, now. Or feel it I suppose. That part of me that doesn't feel human. For the most part it was easy to keep it at bay when I could flick it on and off like a switch. But this pandemic, this fucking pandemic, has been dragging it out bit by bit. I didn't even realize it was happening and now it's too late. Two years of living like the very first lockdown and I'm in full survival mode. While it continues, it's too dangerous for me to try and push it back inside. Every so often, when the world is quiet and my music is loud, I feel a little bit of the pain of life and it nearly kills me. To step out of survival mode now would be a submission to suicide.

I care for my friends and family. Don't get me wrong. I wish them well and it makes me happy to hear from them. But if I see them doing the things that are spreading the virus and keeping me inside? It's very difficult for me to keep a lid on wishing them ill. And if they do something shitty? I'm happy to cut them off without a second thought. I just feel nothing. I go from neutral to "fuck them" in seconds. I simply do not care. I fear that when all this is over, I won't have any bridges left to burn.

Plus, this attitude has meant I've not made much of an effort to make friends on my new course. I find myself remembering social cues and yet I ignore them anyway because I simply can't be bothered. Life's a bitch, why should I waste my time on small talk when I can enjoy myself in silence?

I don't want to be like this. I don't want to have sharp edges and brutal thoughts. I'm afraid that one day it will show when speaking to patients. Despite it all, I have a policy of "do no harm, but take no shit" and I'm more than aware that conversations with medical professionals can cross into harm. I don't want to be that person.

In a way, it's a relief to be able to explain who I am right now. Before I made the link to my former pseudo-psychopathy, I thought that the pandemic had changed me. There's nothing wrong with change of course, but I didn't want to this that this was the new me. Cold, apathetic, callous. But now I see it's a part of me that's been there since I remember, just trying to keep me breathing. And if I've made it back to the kind, good, happy me before, then I can do it again once it's safe to get there. It just might take a little time.

It feels good to get that off my chest, Josh. I like to think you wouldn't have judged me for it.

I love you so much,

5 notes · View notes

rpbetter · 3 years

Note

Urgh. Okay, full disclosure, I haven't been on tumblr much over the last week or so, because I was one of the people that Raven initially called out after the COAR mess, and it was in the interest of my own mental health to fuck off for a while so I didn't stress myself out into oblivion. So I'm scrolling through most of this stuff for the first time, and talking to other people who were targeted. And pardon my French here, but I'm fucking disgusted at the lengths Raven has gone to assert themselves as a victim, how many people they've affected, and the waving around of something as serious as suicide for brownie points.

I have sympathy for people who overinterpret things in a strictly emotional and mental sense (actual reactions aside) because they lack the maturity. There's always a reason for that, and it's not their fault. And I have sympathy for people if they legitimately feel suicidal. That, too, isn't their fault. If I hadn't been blocked, I would've reported Raven in case their claims were true as well, because yeah, I don't mess around with that stuff either. But what's unacceptable is how Raven acted on those sentiments and behaved towards others, even after people tried to provide perspective. How Raven claimed to be done with the drama, but continued inciting it; how they claimed to be suicidal and had left tumblr, but wrote what amounts to a "fuck you" in their header and were still putzing around on their blog, and were apparently still editing their posts until as late as today; how they claimed to have deleted but only changed the url; how they weaponized all of this stuff and used it as a tool for guilt-tripping. Like, come on. It's okay if you're down in the dumps, but it's not okay to treat innocent people like garbage, and carpet bomb half the RPC. To me, it really feels like there was an intent to weaponize all of their hurt, offense, anger, and suicidal ideations, despite the possibility it did come from somewhere genuine, and that's so harmful to anyone who is actually struggling with depression.

Every time someone weaponizes mental illness in this way, it just makes people more and more apathetic the next time someone is genuinely just hurting, and saying they feel like they're at the end of their rope. And it makes people suspicious of whether those words are being used maliciously, or legitimately. That suspicion and that association is now there, unconscious or not. And every time this kind of stuff happens, the association gets stronger. What happens if Raven does this again? Some people will still report, but some people might just scoff and walk away - people who might've actually acted before. So in a way, that kind of behaviour impacts Raven as much as it impacts other people.

And you know what? They're not the only one dealing with serious shit. I've been suffering from MDD for the last fifteen years, and I've been in the process of changing medications and having little success for months. I've been going through hell offline. I have a shit list of people I want to yell at because they're dragging their feet on really important things I need to function; I'm constantly running a deficit on spoons. Until a week or so ago, roleplay was one of the only ways I could unwind. So for Raven to bully me by sticking that stupid post in my tags, because they needed to make a scene on COAR, which I was obviously going to comment on (like many other people), then to "like" an unsubstantiated callout about me and other innocent people related to that mess, it's only worsened my own mental health. It sounds melodramatic, but really. Someone else mentioned this too, but the fear of being in another callout, and the fear of that first callout somehow exploding, was in the back of my mind all week, despite being away from tumblr. So that was a little anxiety-inducing, much as I tried not to think about it.

And I'm debating whether to return now, or take more time off, and I have no idea what to do. Because that callout post is still in my blog's tag. I'm freaking out because I was planning on approaching some people to roleplay, which is something I rarely ever do, but now I'm concerned that I'll contact someone, they'll look at my tag to get an idea of my writing/partners/who I am, and see the callout post, and immediately dismiss me because even seeing the word "callout" on its own will send up red flags, by unconscious association with more impactful drama. And as long as that callout is up, these fears are going to be there.

That's just not fair.

And Raven's "apology" is completely unacceptable. Like you and others said, it doesn't reach anyone who needs to hear it, because they've all been blocked. I would fucking love an apology if it came from a place of honesty, but am I going to receive one? Probably not. And even for the followers who can still see that apology, it doesn't address anything. It isn't directed to anyone in particular. It doesn't mention the specific behaviours that were wrong on their part. And miss me with the "my intentions were good" part. No, they weren't; going around blocks and sticking shit in peoples' tags is vindictive and entirely intentional in all the worst ways, and shame on them for pretending otherwise, and by leading with such a poor example for many roleplayers, some of whom are in their teens. One of the people who tried to message Raven (they, too, were called out on Raven's blog) was speaking to a nineteen-year old who was completely clueless about the extent of the manipulation Raven was pulling. They thought all of it was normal and acceptable behaviour. That genuinely terrifies me. And while I imagine if Raven was genuinely apologetic, they would've gone to the callout blog and ask them to delete the callout post (attempt it, at the very least), somehow, I don't think that would've happened given all of their prior actions. God forbid something else is going on there.

Phew. Yeah, I'm angry. Maybe I'm just biased and tired. But honestly, I have a right to be. Raven's apology is a handwave, and they know it. It's a slap in the face to me, to you, and to everyone else who was involved in this clusterfuck. They're not the center of the universe. They affected real people, with real problems of their own. Anyways, I am so sorry for this, argh. Really had to get this out, and I didn't want to dump it on discord or somewhere else; I sure as heck didn't want to go to COAR with it. But hey, maybe people here will feel less alone if I added my own account to the mix. The more, the merrier? In a sense, anyways. Sometimes if you feel like you've been singled out, it's nice to know you're not actually the only person it's happened to.

Sorry for saving your reply for last, Anon. It's such an important one, I wanted to be properly thoughtful!

I think that it is going to make some people feel less alone, and there is always some relief in sharing one's trials. That might be especially true when one has been unable to share them anywhere else. It's not like you can address this on your own blog right now, COAR is definitely not a safe place to do so, it's a very isolating feeling that is made worse for having done nothing.

Coming back and being required to wade through this shit was really damn disgusting to me as well, but at least in my case, I had neither been obliged to distance myself for the sake of mental health nor was I treated to the sickening display of drumming up ideas of victimization from someone who victimized me. What I experienced was just incredulity and disgust, I cannot imagine how incensing this must be for you, I am so very sorry. If it makes me angry having a degree of removal and watching in it real time? What you're experiencing...there really isn't a single word to adequately encapsulate that, I'm sure.

You've still expressed so many of the things I've thought and felt. I found all that initial behavior uncalled for, shameful, yet another display of what's actually wrong in the RPC, but it was increasingly upsetting to me the more I looked into it because it did feel a little (a lot) too reminiscent of the sort of bullying experienced in person. It's really something else to be viciously picked at by someone who keeps upping the game until such point as it begins to cause them trouble, then get to be painted the wrongdoer and punished in some way for it because they're presenting as a sympathetic victim. A more sympathetic victim than you, that's really what I mean, I'm just going to say it.

And that was already in swing by the time I got from the launch point to the smoking crater of then current events. I got to Raven's again after bouncing back and forth between their interactions with others, largely from COAR, yes, and the shit on the callout blog...to see...everyone else being blamed in increasingly drastic ways.

Because on tumblr, unlike reality, if you throw out enough times ahead of time that you have disorders people can get behind, you're more sympathetic, not less. So long as one has set that foundation and has others to broadcast it once convenient, any horrible action one undertakes is given a pass. Anyone disagreeing, anyone not tolerating the abuse, is in the wrong now. In the worst possible way, of course.

This whole thing began with incredibly unnecessary bullshit and every, I mean fucking every, further action taken was a new level of fucked up, but the trivializing of and damage done to the perception of mental health and differences is quite possibly the worst. Are those things that need any more of that? It's already such a problem! I already see suspicion and fatigue with this, every time it's given validation, it grows.

Even if I wasn't mentally ill, with one of the disorders that gets vilified even on tumblr, even if I were not autistic, even if I never knew a single person who suffered worse than I do from the the complications they won by way of being born, hadn't anyone I loved that took their lives, this would be extremely upsetting to me. Using the idea that "whatever I do, it's got to be acceptable because I am X" while not caring that anyone else is X, Y, and/or Z. Weaponizing it for bullying and sympathy simultaneously. Way too much. Incredibly gross and harmful, legitimately fucking problematic.

I want people to be taken seriously when they choose to speak of the boundaries their mental health requires, I want muns to be able to say that they are having a difficult time without it coming off (even to the rest of us with mental health conditions) as a ploy for attention/guilting for whatever action they desire be taken by partners, and I want people to take threats of oncoming, serious harm seriously. How are they to do this, when it is continually used as tool or weaponized against others? At very best, it becomes another thing to ignore and scroll by on the dash.

As we've all had the misfortune to experience or witness so recently, once it is weaponized, it's a problem of priority. I've said in damn near every message I've gotten that Raven isn't the only person involved here who has serious shit going on, but like the absurdity with trying to spin an accident as transphobia, or having the audacity to attempt speaking from a place of peace in a way that might benefit everyone, Raven included, resulting in a callout about being against ND people...it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter that any of us are neurodivergent, have serious chronic mental health complications, or are not cisgender. Raven was swinging that around like a flaming sword to drive off bigots real and imagined before we ever got their attention.

Attention they fucking asked for.

Reblogging that post from COAR was just like posting those rules. The intention was to get attention, and it was asked for with extreme hostility. I have no idea how that is coming off to anyone as simply them defending themselves. It was a great moment to either not out themselves as the person in the confession at all, not engage with it, quietly remove the post, or to reblog it and take responsibility in a meaningful way at that point. Can you imagine what a difference that would have made then? If Raven had chosen instead to reblog it and apologize for doing what they had. Just that. No shitty, snide little comments about how they're sorry, but still absolutely correct and here are five reasons why everything they've misconstrued won't be tolerated. Just an acknowledgment of wrongdoing, an apology for doing so, and awareness gained moving forward.

Their decision to interact with that post in the way they did wasn't just more of the same nonsense, it was actively upping the game. I don't really care if it was intentional bait or just continuing to let malicious impulse run free, it was used as bait. Everyone who interacted with that post was effectively consigning themselves to harassment, and if they happened to interact on literally any other topic that group held a passionately opposing opinion on, they were attacked for it. Curiously, it became necessary for them to be harassed by way of the callout blog, but that is getting a little close to off-topic, so, I'll leave it at that.

So, while I initially really wanted to have the appeal to Raven work because their expressions of regret that I was greatly on the fence about being genuine, I'd say those flags were accurate. I cannot believe that someone who took every opportunity to do the wrong thing is genuinely sorry. Sorry for themselves, absolutely, sorry for anything they did, not so much. This constant narrative I got of "they SAID they were sorry" and "they apologized again and again and took the posts down," including from Raven, is incredible. On that last one, they, yet again, couldn't actually address me.

Appropriate response: messaging me or reblogging that post (you know, the rules snippet I found right the hell there still, despite the claim of it being deleted and the final catalyst of me needing to say something after I saw that, nope, surely was not) with the acknowledgment of a single thing I said.

Extra appropriate response: ^ plus going to everyone who could still be located that they harmed with a genuine, individual, private apology.

Inappropriate response that was had: new post, shitty, childish tone like they at once wanted to argue with me and didn't want to drop the act, restating of this apology that had already been deleted and meant exactly shit while it existed, restating of how they deleted this post and couldn't control reblogs, ignoring that I literally reblogged the original copy from their blog.

Apology neither believed nor accepted. Just as it wouldn't be if my nephew came to my house, broke a bunch of my things, said he was sorry while throwing the pieces at my pet, then threw himself on the floor screaming that he said he was sorry when I told him to go have a time out.

(Yes, I absolutely did just make a comparison to a child, y'all can shit yourselves again. It's not my problem if you want to misconstrue "this person's actions are not befitting of an adult" as "Vespertine said autistic people are children!" Fucking miss me with that. I'm an autistic adult who pays my bills, apologizes, doesn't treat people like shit while trying to excuse it by being ND. You're offensive with that shit, and contributing to the negative perception people have of those on the spectrum. Be a good ally today! Don't valid that! Free ninety-nine offer!)

Again, sorry for yourself does not equal being sorry for what you've done. The former can contribute to the development of the latter, but as I said in a response yesterday, there has been no display of that beginning to transpire. I genuinely hope that will eventually be the case because that would be the best outcome, the only "best" outcome at this point. Even if it was two years from now, if it did happen, I certainly would not be kind to people refusing them any such growth in peace, and I hope that, by some distant chance, I get to prove that.

But...stating "my intentions were good" over any part of this is not remotely promising. When? Where? At what point? Oh, right, when you took it upon yourself to label a random mun you took issue with. That's when your intentions were good. Then, when you vehemently needed to defend that point by callouts and individual attacks under the guise of it definitely not being about your pride, no! It was the defense of everyone else! Defending the community by carpet-bombing it, yes. This is not a "the path to Hell is paved with good intentions" situation.

I am so disturbed about the nineteen-year-old mun, my god. I'm telling y'all, my anger and disgust almost reach what I think is a pinnacle, then there's something new like this.

I don't even subscribe to tumblr's ideology that anyone under twenty-five is an actual infant who needs be kept in a protective bubble and forgiven for all bad behavior with infinite kindness, nineteen-year-olds deserve the agency of the adultier adults they are becoming, but it is a transitional age. Especially today. Most socialization and formative ideas take place online, and by the time younger RPers are entering the adult sphere of RP here, they've already got some really unhealthy ideas. About themselves, about others. There is such a demand for rabidly performative action that gets internalized, it shouldn't be being heartily fed by people in the community they might look up to.

At that age, someone like Raven is going to be a person looked up to. They espouse all the right ideas, and it's an age in which aggressive interaction over those things is seen as amusing and correct, no matter how wrong the actions taken are or the basis upon which they are founded. When these people foster an environment of cruelty for questioning, of course, that is not going to be the natural response. The response is now going to be the requirement of being told otherwise with adequate proof.

I have suspected that many of the hateful anons I've gotten were from Raven's even younger followers who feel like it's normal, acceptable, and that everything they're being told by Raven's sales team over at the callout blog is absolutely true. Of course, they're now morally obligated to come harass me for the things they were told I did! I think it's likely that several of the anons people got were from actual minors, which is so many levels of scary and irresponsible. Really great example all around, yes!

Because whether it is one's intention or not, that is potentially exposing minors, or muns who are still close enough to be more negatively impacted, to who even knows what. As well as violating the rules of blogs who do not interact with minors for good reason, setting those blogs up for yet another callout for treating someone they didn't know was a minor the way they did or having "freak shit" on their blog. Setting up the other party to be treated with full hostility as an adult would be. Very cool, very responsible.

There is just so much here that is unacceptable, I don't think people who were not directly impacted or have never had a callout against them understand the results, and that is one more unacceptable thing you've been good enough to talk about.

Even while taking a break from the RPC, it affects you negatively. Wondering what you're coming back to, your blog is no longer a safe feeling space, and there's nothing you can do to "cultivate your blog" to change that. They've taken away the ability to simply block and avoid others, the thing that keeps all of us comfortable here as well as allowing that to be all of us no matter how disagreeable we might be to each other. Callouts negate adult behavior. Callouts mean that one doesn't know where more potential for harassment might be coming from, or how long we might have to be worried about that.

It would be a major concern for me as well about what putting myself out there to new writing partners might bring. What the success of that might be. It's incredibly unfair that they've made finding new people precarious and more unpleasant than it can be anyway. That puts all of the future of your RP here in question, and if you're like me, just dropping a muse, picking up another, and moving to a new URL isn't going to be a good choice for you. It isn't that simple if you dedicate time to a muse for a long period of time, when that's the case, that's the RP you want to do and have laid the groundwork for.

I don't know if it will help at all, but it has seemed to me, over the past several days, that there are fewer people in the RPC who are inclined to believe or support callouts than there once was. I was hoping that was the case, since there is always so much interaction on my posts against callout culture, but until this crap went down, I had no idea just how many people are not positive toward it. It has seemed to be that the people who are inclined to listen to callouts are just louder.

I've also noticed that those people have the same set of red flags, so maybe sharing that will help you or others?

They don't have simple, basic, reasonable Do Not Interacts. It isn't simply asking that minors don't interact because the mun is over eighteen, that muns writing a triggering topic not interact, or that sort of thing. No, it's URL dropping of specific muns, outright links to callouts or "receipts," and an accusatory tone about any topics or types of muns who shouldn't interact. Such as "nasty ass proshippers" or "pedo apologists shipping incest."

Their rules are reflective this as well. A statement cannot be made that they do not write, let's say, toxic ships and left at that. There will be some morality wank present about normalizing or romanticizing toxic/abusive relationships.

There are less assured flags, but literally, anything that stands out as an interest in RPC or fandom-based activism as opposed to an interest in writing, their muses, or even their friendships with a variety of muns. I don't mean a rounded-out interest in things, I really do mean a glaring predominance of buzzword-laden reblogs and PSA's while they've not written a reply, headcanon, or answered a meme in months.

I'm not saying any of that because I feel like you, or anyone else's, judgment is terrible or that you're oblivious to warning signs! It's just that when we've experienced bad situations, it can compromise our ability to see clearly. It becomes easy to see a potential threat everywhere, and maybe that seems contrary, but it's then easy to fail to see real threats from those we're blowing up. We question whether we're being just as judgmental as the people who wronged us, putting words in other muns' mouths and thoughts in place of their own as was done to us. While we still are afraid to be wrong in giving someone an in to ruining our time again.

So, please, don't feel like I'm questioning your intelligence or speaking from a place of ultimate knowledge, never making mistakes in such a choice! I just really hate that you, and many others, are going through this, and anything at all that I can think of that might help you move forward from this utter bullshit you've been through, I've got to try to grab it.

Because, Anon, like all those sharing their experiences these last few days, you sound like the kind of mun we need in the RPC.

You're someone willing to share with others for the benefit of others. You're being honest about your feelings of anger and even the hopeless sensation of whether it's even worth it to try to return, having your progress on and offline stomped on, while still maintaining a sort of fairness and calm that I know is not easy. Because that's the mature thing to do, it's the right thing, and unfortunately, those are usually the harder things to do as well.

You did the right thing in expressing your opinion and doing what people like Raven's group love to be on about, can only do through bullying: not tolerating it. I'd hate for the RPC to lose someone like you!

Just as your message matters to more people out there than myself, I have no doubt that your choice to not quietly allow this behavior mattered to more muns than you'll ever know. I'm sure that none of them would have wanted this result for you, but so many muns have experienced such toxic, bullying behavior over the years in which not a soul spoke up.

Many of you proved something very important with challenging Raven and the callouts blog, that unlike them, it isn't necessary for good people to even know each other to do the right thing. They have to dogpile and engage in cliquish behavior, what they do isn't coming from a place of inner ethics and strength, but what you all did? It's the opposite.

So, not only do I thank you again for sharing and providing the important support of simply not being alone to others, I thank you for being the example to the RPC that people dealing in callouts and generalized shaming cannot be, no matter their platform.

I hope that, whether you choose to remain, leave, or take a very long break, everything you've been dealing with starts to look up. I know it's easy to say things made hollow for their repetition and flippant use, like telling you not to let them win, or that their bullshit just isn't that important. So, I'm not going to say them.

It doesn't work that way when you're dealing with mental health concerns! You can logically know that this is just petty bullshit not worth being run out of something important to you, but that doesn't stop the worry, frustration, or depression. You can have all the determination in the world to hang in there, even the spite to back it up, but neither is a match for the things you cannot control coming from your brain. That is the cruelty of mental illness on the very best of days.

You have all of my respect, support, and genuine sympathy that this happened to you. No one should be allowed to continually and unapologetically go out of their way to throw a wrench into someone's hard-won progress. You did nothing to deserve this, and the people out there worth interacting with are going to be the same ones who will have no question of that.

Lastly, I also hope that some of the anons sharing their experiences have helped you feel less alone, or like you're not just irrationally upset. Please know that you're seen and supported as well! And that you are always welcome to talk more, vent, share successes here.

Thank you, Anon.

#vespertine #answered #anonymous #long post #drama cw #rp harassment #callout culture

2 notes · View notes

sillyrabbit81 · 3 years

Text

Her Heavy Cross

Summary: Three years after tragedy hits, Lana she decides to start dating again. She meets Will through a dating app and they begin an online romance. After months of constant requests, Lana relents and agrees to meet and go on an irl date with Will. But is Will who he says he is? Lana is quickly pulled into an intense relationship forcing her to confront her tragic past. Will Lana face it or will she close her heart forever?

Pairing: OMC x OFC

Word Count: Approx 2.5k

Warnings: Swearing, smut, spanking, Dom vibes.

Authors Note: The story started as a Henry Cavill fanfiction but I changed it to be an original character, but shades of Henry are still there. Hope you enjoy the story and thanks for reading.

Part 8 Part 10

Part 9

We went to bed not long after that. I think we were both tired from staying up late the night before. Liam went to bed in his underwear, and I wore a singlet and PJ shorts. We talked some more before we fell asleep.

I asked Liam a bit more about his work. He told me the next two weeks were costume fitting, rehearsals, fight training and a few media events. "It's more of a nine to five thing at the moment. It'll be different after Easter when filming starts."

"How is it different?"

"Really long hours, usually fourteen to sixteen hours. There are a few weeks where I'm not needed, though. Although I'm the male lead, the female role is the central one."

"Who is the actress?"

"Myra Roberts."

"Oh, she's Australian."

"Yeah, most of the cast is Australian. I'm the ring in. I'm for, and I'm quoting here, international appeal and name recognition."

Liam asked me about my job. "I told you most of it before," I replied.

"You told me what you did, but you didn't tell me about it."

I told him about my work in a mainstream school support classroom. Most of the kids have cerebral palsy and intellectual disabilities. The classes are small. I was teaching a combined year 3 and 4 class.

Without mentioning specifics or names, I told him some funny stories about the kids, some of the challenges they faced. Some of the feel-good moments when they finally achieved goals they were working towards. Some of the goals were as simple as being able to feed themselves or to write more than a few lines without tiring.

I opened up and told him about the girl who passed away from aspiration pneumonia the first year I was teaching full time. She was in a wheelchair and had a genetic disorder that required ventilation at night. I smiled as I talked about her. I wasn't surprised when a tear rolled down my cheek.

"It's tough, but I love it. I like knowing that the kids get to have a real school experience, be part of the whole school community. They go on excursions, go to assembly, play at lunchtime with the other kids and its good that the mainstream kids grow up with people with disabilities around them. They get to be kids, not hidden away from the world like they were in the past."

Liam wiped my tear away with his thumb. He asked tenderly, "why do you do it?"

"Why do you act?" I asked rhetorically. "It's a calling, a passion, I guess. It's like nine days out of 10, I go home from school happy. Feeling like I've achieved something and feeling like I've supported eight kids to achieve their own small victories. It makes me feel satisfied that I'm doing good in the world. You know, adding something positive."

"That's really beautiful," Liam said. Then he laughed, "It makes what I do feel ridiculous. All I do is play make-believe all day."

"You help people too; you make us feel things. You show us truth and beauty. Give us hope when we feel hopeless. Laughter when we are sad. Make us inspired instead of apathetic. It's no small thing. Our scale is different, that's all. You can effect millions of people for a short time. I aim to effect maybe a hundred people over my career for the rest of their lives. Both are noble causes that will help to leave the world in a better place than when we found it."

"Did I say that you were intelligent earlier?" Liam asked. I shook my head. "I should have."

"Is that more important than being an excellent shag?"

"I don't know about that." Liam laughed, "But I know I like it."

Not long after that, we fell asleep.

When I woke up the next morning, I was trapped by Liam's heavy arm over me, and his hand was cupping one of my breasts. He was still asleep. His breathing was long and deep with a soft snore. I didn't want to disturb him, but my bladder wouldn't wait.

I tried to lift his arm off me and climb out from underneath him, but he pulled me closer. I could feel his morning erection against my bum. As much as I wanted to snuggle into it, I couldn't wait. I lifted his arm again, and I was able to sneak out.

I went to the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and washed my face. Then hopped back into bed. I looked at Liam while he slept. I brushed his hair off his forehead. His dark hair was so thick and soft. He had a few lines on his forehead that just seemed to make him appear more manly. His eyelashes seemed even longer as they laid against his cheeks. Up close, I could see a few faded freckles scattered across his cheeks and nose.

I traced my finger down his nose. He had a slight bump on the bridge. Somehow it didn't make him less attractive. His lips were so kissable, and I couldn't resist touching them either. I ran my fingertip down further, tracing his lips and then down to his dimpled chin. Liam opened his eyes and nearly made me shit myself when he growled and tried to bite my finger.

"Cunt!" I cried in shock, pulling my finger away.

Liam's face took on his own look of shock at my language. Then he laughed and tried to kiss me. I turned my head.

"Nuh-uh. You scared me half to death. How long have you bloody been awake for?"

"A while." He admitted, still smiling. My heart was racing, so I gave him a look exaggerating my anger. "Come on, Sweetheart. That was funny."

"Don't Sweetheart me. Here I was, innocently laying in bed thinking about how gorgeous you are. Meanwhile, you're laying there thinking wouldn't it be funny if I scared the shit out of her." I was trying not to smile, but I'm sure he could tell I wasn't really mad.

"You called me a cunt, though, so I guess we are even."

"That's a term of endearment in Australia." I grinned widely.

"Really?" Liam raised his eyebrows, looking dubious.

"Yeah, for sure. You'd say something like 'Oi mate! You're a sick cunt'." I was enjoying this.

"Which means?"

"Hey, friend! You're a good person, and I like you."

"I'll stick to calling you Sweetheart if that's ok?"

"Alright, cunt."

"Just bring your bum over here so I can fuck your cunt," Liam said, reaching for me.

My stomach flipped, and I felt myself getting aroused. Liam manhandled me onto my stomach and climbed on top of me. His bare hairy chest tickled my shoulders. I could feel him hard, thick and ready against me.

"Let's see if your tight little cunt is ready for me." Liam forced his hand down the front of my shorts. His fingers found their way to my centre, and I moaned as his fingers easily slid between my folds, my desire evident by how wet I was. He slipped a finger into me and my muscles clenched around it.

Too quickly, he removed his hand. Liam's wet fingers made their way to my mouth. "Open up, Sweetheart. Taste how much you want me." My lips parted for him, and he shoved his finger in. I closed my mouth around it, and my tongue lapped the sweet taste of my arousal.

Liam withdrew his finger, and his weight lifted off my back. I turned my head to see what he was doing and saw the condom in his hands. I continued to look over my shoulder as Liam dragged his underwear down, leaving them on his thighs. He held himself at the base and used the other to apply the condom. I watched in fascination as Liam rolled the condom down his shaft, his head was down, and his shoulders were hunched over the task. I really wanted to watch him masturbate one day.

When he was finished, he grabbed my hips and wrenched me up by them until I was on my knees. My head was still on the bed, and I was forced to look away by the new position. My shorts were pulled down my thighs. There was nothing gentle about Liam this morning. Then I panicked, realising how on display I would be. I tried to lay back down, but his firm hands gripped my hips, keeping me in position.

"Don't move," Liam ordered roughly. His hands moved from my hips, and he ran his hand over the curve of my bottom. "You should see yourself from this angle, Sweetheart."

He pressed his hand against my slit and put two fingers straight in. I jumped in surprise, pulling away as his thick fingers stretched me. I felt a sting on my arse cheek, and I flinched in pain.

"I told you not to move. Move again, and you'll get another one." Liam's voice was stern. He rubbed the spot he had just spanked, soothing it.

I waited, not moving, for what seemed like an eternity. The anticipation was killing me. I wanted to move, to tell Liam to stop, but I also wanted to scream at him to hurry up. I needed him inside me. Then I felt the tip of his cock rub against my wet opening, sliding smoothly up and down. Every time it grazed my clit, my anticipation built.

"Please," I murmured.

"Please what? Tell me what you want."

I licked my lips. "I want your cock."

I heard Liam inhale through his teeth. "I'm not going to be gentle."

"I don't care."

I felt Liam position himself at my entrance, and it was all the warning I had. Suddenly he was in me all the way. "Fuck," I cried out in relief and pain.

Liam didn't wait for me to adjust to his size. He started ramming into me like a piston. His hands were back on my hips, pulling me onto him with each thrust. The slap of our bodies meeting was so loud it was nearly all I could hear.

Grabbing my shoulder, Liam lifted me on my knees until our bodies were flush. He grabbed my head and turned it to the side. His lips met mine, and he forced his tongue into my mouth. His kiss devoured me, consuming me completely. His other hand lifted my singlet, freeing my breasts, and he kneaded one roughly before he found my nipple. He gripped me and pinched hard, but I barely felt it. My body reacted to the pain as though it was a pleasure, and electricity seemed to flow through my veins as my whole body felt ablaze.

Liam wrapped his fingers around my neck. The pressure was only slight, but it felt dangerous. He was so strong. If he wanted to destroy me, he could, and there would be nothing I could do about it. Instead of terrifying me, the thought thrilled me. I knew it was insane, wanting to play at the edge, confusing fear and arousal, but the combination was intoxicating.

He broke our kiss. I felt his lips tickle at my ear, and his voice was husky with exertion. "You fucking love this, don't you?"

"Yes," I panted. My voice was ragged and breathy. "Yes, I fucking love it."

I was thrown down on the bed again. My arse still in the air, and my head was pushed down into the bed. Liam held me that way while he unrelentingly pounded me. I felt like a plaything, a toy for his pleasure, as he threw me around where he wanted me. I felt helpless, but I didn't fight him. I submitted to his desires, knowing my body gave him pleasure was its own reward. I let him use me, dominate me, own me, and I knew I would beg for it to happen again and again.

He wasn't completely selfish though, his other hand found my clit, fingers moving over it in rapid little circles. "I need you to cum, Lana. I need to feel you cum."

He played with me varying his speed and firmness. He seemed to understand my body, my moans, my breathing because quickly, he found the rhythm I needed. I shattered beneath his touch. I shouted into the sheets as my release ripped through me. Liam didn't stop rubbing me until I was still.

Giving me no time to recover, Liam continued to rail me, but now he seemed to move impossibly fast. His fingers were digging into my hips, rocking them violently against his thrusts. I felt him engorge, and I braced myself for his release.

"Fuck!" Liam's voice thundered as I felt him pulse inside me. He held my hips still, his movements controlling his orgasm now. He grunted as he made each of his final drives.

Liam finally collapsed next to me, withdrawing himself as he did. I fell to the bed, unable to hold my own weight now that he wasn't holding me up. I took deep, calming breaths, and slowly I felt my strength return.

Shyly, I looked over at Liam. He was on his back, his chest heaving. A sheen of sweat glistened over his body in the morning light. He saw me peeking at him, and he half-smiled. A giggle escaped my lips.

"What are you laughing at?" He sounded amused.

"Nothing, I just feel really..." I didn't know exactly how I felt. I was sore, but that good way you feel sore after a hard workout. I was also calm, relaxed and euphoric. "Content."

"You really liked it?" I nodded. "I'm not too rough?" I shook my head. "Good, cause that was fucking amazing."

I giggled again and looked away. I felt Liam's fingers caress my back. My singlet was still pulled up, and my shorts were still around my ankles. He moved on the bed, and I felt him shuffle closer.

"Your bum's got a perfectly shaped red handprint on it. Did I slap you that hard?" He asked with a hint of concern.

"Yeah, it was hard. Good hard. I mark pretty easily." I turned to face him. He was laying on his side, his elbow bent and his head rested on his hand. He was looking down at my bare bottom, rubbing the spot where he marked me. "Bruises also show up pretty bad. They usually look worse than they feel. I rarely remember where I got them."

"You'll need a safe word if we keep this up." Liam looked up. He smiled briefly when he saw I was looking at him. "I don't want to go too far and really hurt you."

"Yeah, it's probably a good idea." I rolled over and laid on my back. I lifted my hips and put my shorts back on. Liam leaned down to kiss my exposed nipple before helping me pull my singlet back down. He laid his head on my chest, and I played with his soft hair, curling it around my fingers.

"Any ideas?" He asked. "For a safe word, I mean."

"Freeze?" I suggested.

Liam was quiet for a moment before nodded in agreement. "Freeze," he repeated. "I like it."

Part 10

#original character #original fiction #romantic story #happy ever after

10 notes · View notes

alicec-666 · 3 years

Text

Okay, so, I did it... I wrote my first creepy story about my oc, and... Oof, damn, I hope, I'm not too late for this yes I am late af I know

Anywaaaay, here it is ^^

Sharing only here, so, please, no reblogging or claiming your ownership on it, okay?

Thank you in advance!

And hope you enjoy :')

The Sarah's Mask (original story, pls, no copyright)

It was today's afternoon when it happened. Judging by the nine years I worked in this mental hospital, I can be certain when yelling you that the work that needed to be done got bigger every month, and most of my coworkers have coped with it as much as they could. We dealt with many troublesome patients during this period, and hardly any cases would be ofof what I could call "extraordinary". Certainly, there were many depressive individuals with an intent of self-harm or suicidal thoughts, or schizophreniacs that associated their world with ours in almost the same way, that is, with visages of silhouettes that weren't there or voices in their heads, you know the drill. Rarely so, but we also got an experience of working with the local criminals, who were on the verge of beginning a genocide on the streets or feeling joy through the sexual acts with other individuals, whether they wanted it or not, and whom we needed to check on mental stability during their process in the court. Not only cases, but the age range of our patients was rather normal too; from the young teenagers to the elderly people, whoever had troubles in their life and wanted to be cured, or were forced to by the judging society, those could join into our therapy whenever they wanted. And today was not an exception.

In the afternoon, while having a break, I was sitting onon the sofa in the rest room together with Michelle and Jim, talking about life and giggling at the fun situations, which we had before the work, similar to the ones of one being late to the job together with a manager, or mistaking a random person for your good acquaintance, you can name any of it. Anyway, it was through the laughter and sipping coffee, when I recall having heard a knock in the door. With a cheerful invite to come in from Michelle, I've seen how the door opened slightly, and behind itself revealed a peeking out face of Lucy, the psychiatrist trainee who has finished her studies over a year ago. Her face was rather worried, but I shook it off at first, knowing that the lady was known to be rather shy with the clinic's staff in general.

- Excuse me for interrupting, but if you don't mind, I would like to ask Mr Owen to come out for a moment, - her voice was trembling, and II noticed how she looked at her feet in embarrassment, but quietly appreciated her efforts of coming herehere by herself, which already made some progress in willingness to cooperate with others instead of always being on her own. Surely, in her 23 years, Lucy was one of the youngest workers here, nonetheless, she was very gifted with a wish to learn and improve.

- I will be just a second, - getting off the sofa and giving an assuring smile to the staring colleagues, I raised up and with a nod came up towards the young trainee and out in the hall, closing the door after myself in the process. Looking the woman up and down, I leaned towards the wall behind me and smiled softly:

- Is anything the matter, Lucy? As far as I'm concerned, you have been assigned with a patient this morning, correct? So, have you found out what is the case there?

- Yes, sir... I mean, no, sir-- I-I mean, - there was a folder in Lucy's arms that I noticed her clenching to every now and then, the folder with a printed surname on it "Junior". It was a patient that I have heard about only the previous evening, when a man from the register said that some odd looking adolescent came up to them and registered for the therapy for this morning, and, after leaving copies of her documents, has left shortly. From what we knew about this patient so far is that it was a female of age 20 with the blue tone coloured hair tied into a long pigtail, purple sports clothes and red shoes. However, what interested me the most from the register guy's description, was that this woman the entire time, through coming up to him and signing up for a meeting, has held an obnoxious foaming mask together with her. Long story short, we accepted her to have a meeting with Lucy, since both of these women were at their last years of forming their identity to the society, and could have something in common. That is why I was truly surprised when Lucy, now sobbing before me, said shakingly, - I... I can't do this, sir! She is not like any patients I needed to deal with before, she scares me.

- She is younger than you by almost four years, Miss Cadavre, - I said in a firm voice with a sigh, - And she is hardly any different from any other patients we had here so far, even though she does have quite... An extraordinary sense of fashion.

- You don't understand, Mr Owen, she is just something I don't think I can cope with, - noticing just now that her eyes kept filling up with tears, the trainee quickly wiped them with her sleeve, and looked at me again, - And it's not only her physical looks, she seems to be so... Unnerving. With her quick change of behavior or her murmuring something about hearing that "annoying voice" in her mind... Not to mention dozing off and talking to herself while I was trying to chat with her.

- I'm pretty sure there is nothing to worry about, my dear. Honestly, it may be nothing as serious as schizophrenia. - I shrugged, being fairly disappointed in the trainee's words, - It would be odd if you missed the classes about this disorder during your studies, Mrs Cadavre.

- I didn't miss any, sir! But I do swear to you, this girl is not like those patients I've dealt with before, - she was shaking at this point, and she was right at some point; as she was a newbie, we didn't want her to deal with any extreme cases yet, so the most of her patients were depressive teenagers or elderly people with the trauma after losing their kids or grandkids in an accident, - I cannot explain it, but I can't work with her one on one in there! So, I was thinking if I could be replaced by someone else

- Absolutely not. Unfortunately, miss Cadavre, you are the only one left among those who have been given tasks with the new wave of patients, since everyone else is busy by now. - I made a small pause, and after seeing how her gaze dropped on the floor again, thought to self for a mokent, after which spoke up again, - If you're so worried, however, I could come to her together with you, as an observer. This way, I will note what your trouble with her may be, and could help you out.

The trainee quickly raised up her head staring at me with her shining gray eyes, which clearly showed the gratitude, after which she nodded with a delight, and a quiet "thank you" came out of her mouth.

After some twelve minutes passing by, both of us came into the room 042, the Lucy's cabinet, which contained of two chairs, a small sofa, a table and some shelbes on the wall where several documents and the trainee's personal belongings took their place. On the sofa or, rather, by it, there was a female in her dirty sports clothes, with a greenish-blue hair and hazel eyes, who was holding an odd black mask in her hands and rubbing it slightly. Even as we came in and Lucy sat down on one of the chairs, the patient was asas if unaware of our existence, being distracted by her own doing, and murmuring some odd sentences, somesome of which I could hear as "I know that you don't like it, but I want it to end once and for all", "We can't be friends anymore, you do understand it, right?", "Please, stop saying such horrible things to me...". Looking down at the worried trainee, then back at the female, I cleared my throat, trying my best to gain the adolescent's attention, and once I did, I peoceeded in greeting her:

- Greetings, you must be Sarah Junior, right? My name is doctor U. N. Owen, and this, - I gestured to Lucy, who gave out her best comforting smile to the patient, - is my colleague and the best therapist, miss Ca--

- I am well acquainted with miss Cadavre, thank you, - glancing at me, the adolescent sat right on the couch this time, putting the mask beside her on the small decoration cushion, and spoke up again, - It was the first thing we did on this meeting before... She ran out of the cabinet for some reason.

Junior looked at the trainee rather apathetically, after which proceeded to stare after me with her cold eyes, as I managed to get myself straight, not turning away from her. In my 47 years lived in this society, I was well aware of how most of the patients here and manipulators in general tended to keep an eye contact with their "prey", trying to break their interlocutor's confidence, and get an upper hand in the conversation. Looking back at Sarah, I continued:

- Right, so... Getting to the main point, miss Cadavre is going to ask you some questions about your life and troubles since you must have come to us for a reason. And, let me tell you, it's very... Appreciated of you to be seeking for cure on your own, especially since not many people can be managed to get to the thera-- Excuse me, but are you listening right now?

- She isn't, sir... - replied Lucy, both me and her staring at Junior who was now looking at the ceiling while hardly blinking, - It's just as I said before, this girl tends to be spacing out from time to time, so I couldn't talk to her normally.

Glancing at the trainee, and then back at Sarah, I noticed how something black begun arising in the air beside the female... The smoke? As it began rising higher, I just then noticed how the mask, lying like before on the cushion, turned it black as its eyes and mouth's holes began glittering with a weird yellow lighting, and I could swear that on the same mask, the mouth hole widened in an awful grin, after which the smoke, as black as was this piece of Sarah's inventory, has slowly spread through the closed cabinet. Unable to sense a thing, except for some odd smell of mixed gas and cotton candy, the only thing I remember is coughing while trying to breathe through the suffocating fumes and seeing how the Sarah's silhouette, beginning to get off the couch as if nothing happened, put the mask on her face, and stared back at me, with an amused laughter tricking out of her lips, and as its volume was increasing, I lost my balance sue to inhaling too much of the smoke and had a hard fall on the floor, falling into slumber.

Since that moment, at least three hours have passed for sure, since now, looking at the clock on my wrist, I can without a doubt remember when I came into this cabinet. Oddly enough, instead of lying on the cold floor as I think I was on before, I found myself on the same couch that Junior once was on. Not only that, but there is a track of almost dried blood on the floor before the Lucy's table... Checking myself on any wounds or bruises, though, not without a relief, I found out that didn't have any savage wounds or, furthermore, any bleeding spots. Miss Cadavre, on the other hand, wasn't so lucky. Right now, while writing to you about all of this story, my hands are trembling, as I can't keep my eyes from glancing at the pale lifeless body of this poor trainee. I don't know if that adolescent is still in the clinic now or what she had against Lucy, but one thing is for sure, I shouldn't have been so reckless to let the newbie take this woman in the first place... Especially not after what I found on her desk.

After reading this entire letter from her, it's clear to me that not only has she got a major peek of mental instability, but she is also needed to be secluded from society no matter the costs. This is why, even if I can't do much for you from my current spot now, please, I beg of you, be very wary. And if you ever meet an obnoxious girl in the sports costume with the dyed hair, and the foaming mask - don't come close to her, not under any circumstances. Or the consequences of this encounter may be inevitable.

#creepypasta #crrepypasta oc #sarah junior #creepy story #I'm learning to write #hope you enjoy #pls don't copy #I tried my best here #honest #my writing #alicec 666

1 note · View note

punkscowardschampions · 4 years

Text

James & Ava

James: Good morning, how are you? Ava: 😊 All the 🌞 for hearing from you Ava: how are you, James? James: I'm happy to hear that James: meanwhile I'm busy, but unfortunately not solely with hours dedicated to missing you, which is in itself dangerously close to a regret Ava: I know what you mean Ava: the universe doesn't allow nearly enough opportunities for pining at open windows or reflective musing whilst staring into bodies of water, or mirrors, depending on the mood Ava: impressive you can think up any beautiful words in such circumstances Ava: what are you busy with? James: I can't remember the last time I looked into a reflective surface that wasn't a kitchen appliance, but considering how few hours of sleep my present universe allows, that's perhaps for the best James: there is only so much a caffeine fuelled bloodstream can produce and therefore no new paragraphs of the novel are forthcoming either James: I'm steeping your in disappointments to begin your day, I'm afraid James: and you're not the only one, as what I am overwhelmingly busy right now is cancelling plans Ava: I'm sure I'll survive them all though Ava: as you will the lack of sleep and caffeine jitters, with a bit of help Ava: what can I do? Ava: Which is to say, what plans are worth keeping cancelled, and which ones should be salvaged from the ❌🗑 James: all I am left with are the activities which I cannot bear to erase from the schedule, therein lies my dilemma in its entirety Ava: Lay it on me Ava: two heads are better than one James: she is supposed to be here & isn't, which is of no surprise to me & wouldn't be of any consequence if I were capable of being in two places at once James: but I am not, nor do I have words to spin this into a story that doesn't end with a child having even less routine or structure when what she wants is more of both Ava: Right, and naturally, she's left it too late to contact any grandparent to be a stand-in? Ava: is it something I could do or not? James: I did try my mother but her reaction to being asked to enter the swimming baths was as hilarious as it was unhelpful Ava: I can imagine Ava: if that wasn't a waste of imagination James: I should have foreseen that they'd end up sharing the same unwillingness to get their hair wet Ava: but swimming caps are so fetching Ava: 🙄 James: of course James: & it's entirely about them, not the children's enjoyment Ava: or that swimming is actually a pretty vital skill Ava: you think people who like to spend so much time doing water-adjacent activities, yachting, sailing etc, would realize said importance but half my friends can't swim, only take the poolside pictures Ava: but seriously, if you think they'd be okay, I'm happy to keep watch on whichever kid would be more agreeable with me doing so James: Jay loves swimming, but I'm sure she'll outgrow it & prefer to pose apathetically on a lounger in designer sunglasses given a few years & the force of my wife's will James: that's how things work in this universe Ava: Not everyone is like that Ava: and your wife's will can be broken by the horror of damp hair, it can't be that much of an unstoppable force James: her will isn't the one being tested, but point taken Ava: No, I know Ava: I bet none of her yummy mummy friends take their kids though, do they? James: all of her friends have foreign au pairs that they barely have to financially compensation for raising their children full time Ava: so Ava: we can pretend I'm your enthusiastic...Swedish is perhaps a little too cliche Ava: Dutch? Ava: au pair James: what language do you actually take in school? James: they might hypothetically try to voice their complaints to you & expect you to respond in kind Ava: Such a shame the obligatory Latin won't come in handy, as per with dead languages Ava: I take French though, some of them might be Swiss James: it's inconsequential really, I can't ask you to help me when I haven't even asked what your plans are Ava: I offered, you didn't ask Ava: and I wouldn't have offered if I was busy with anything of consequence James: yes you would Ava: Nothing in my life is that important, not currently James: this isn't important to you James: & it doesn't have to be Ava: It's a life skill, like I said Ava: I don't mind doing it James: what am I supposed to say? Ava: if you think it's a bad idea, it's not like I'll be offended or anything silly like that James: it isn't that it's a bad idea Ava: What is it? James: it's that I feel bad, if this is what I can offer you James: because ours isn't supposed to be a sob story & it seems like I've only started a conversation with you to file my complaints Ava: it's not all you can offer me Ava: or all you do Ava: you have responsibilities, plenty of them, I knew that before Ava: and it's not a negative, even with it meaning we spend more time missing each other than we'd like James: it is however painfully stereotypical, 'my wife doesn't understand me' & so on Ava: well, yes Ava: at least you aren't alone in that pain Ava: 2/3 marriages, isn't it James: you're not supposed to be a sounding board for my mistakes, or hers, is all I'm trying to say Ava: I don't feel like one, I promise James: I just wish we could exist independent of this James: but there's no way not to feel equally as bad for wishing for a different world as I do for dragging you into this one Ava: I know Ava: but that wouldn't be a real world at all Ava: it could only exist within the pages of the novel Ava: it'd be perfect but James: I know that too, all of it James: ignore me, I'm tired Ava: I couldn't if I wanted to Ava: and I don't Ava: maybe you'll find a lilo to catch some 💤 on James: sadly I'm not taking any of you swimming at the villa Ava: You would have to tell me if I needed my passport as well as my swimsuit James: one day Ava: yeah? James: if you want to Ava: I don't need to pose apathetically in another sun lounger Ava: but of course, I'd like to be anywhere with you James: you won't be, that isn't even the hypothetical holiday I have in mind James: you know I want to experience things with you Ava: Then we will Ava: and it'll be much more than a photo opportunity James: okay, good Ava: Where would you most want to go together? James: I don't know James: but I like snow Ava: We can work with that Ava: top of a mountain, maybe James: that would be an undeniably good photo opportunity Ava: okay, so the view doesn't count 😅 James: I'll be relying on that, taking mental pictures is all well & good for now but you're a very lovely view Ava: oh 😌 Ava: you're lovelier James: no, you're impossibly beautiful James: all I can do is my best to put suitable description to it Ava: you're just Ava: I want to help you today Ava: but it's undeniably a bonus that I will get to see you James: I'll make some time purely for you James: I don't know when, but as soon as I can Ava: I'll take it Ava: whenever it is James: there's a chance I can use my mother's unwillingness to help me now as a insistence to do so later Ava: potentially Ava: promise her hair won't get wet, that'd be a start James: thank you, I'll open with that Ava: 😏 Ava: there must be something she'd like to do with them Ava: that won't also be entirely torturous for them, because certainly counterproductive James: I'm not sure there is James: but at the very least she's capable of feeding & putting them to bed Ava: then I can do the same for you Ava: more or less James: by then, it'll be my turn to do something for you Ava: which would you rather 🛏 or 🍽? James: it's not my decision, it's yours Ava: I'll cook for you James: I think that's wise Ava: I just want to see you, we don't need to go anywhere unnecessarily Ava: my place is often empty James: I'm happy to hear that in this instance, because of how much I want to see you too Ava: It has its perks Ava: you can take as long as you like putting me to bed, also James: can I? Ava: Yes Ava: I very much hope so James: I don't think you've anticipated how long I would like to spend doing so James: in a perfect world Ava: in this world Ava: we can go to bed very, very early, so you'll still be home by the time you need to be James: & if I don't need to be anywhere else, can I stay? Ava: yes Ava: you can stay as long as you can James: I'll try & stay until we can say good morning face to face Ava: I'd really like that James: me too Ava: You make me smile, you know James: I look forward to seeing it, should traffic ever allow Ava: Oh, I could've got myself there James: I know but I want to spend as much time with you as possible, just in case James: it's already been highlighted how unreliable all of my childcare options are & just how dependent on ridiculous whims Ava: I'm not going to complain, trust me James: you'd be entitled to, when you see how much energy these girls have compared to me James: they make me appear a level of exhausted that I haven't yet reached, honest James: it's horrifically unjust Ava: If I know anything about having kids, it's that any complaint I might have doesn't even register in comparison Ava: and you're still beautiful, even if you're very, very tired James: in theory possibly, but actually, your every sound & silence registers with me Ava: in that case, I'll make every one count James: I believe you Ava: not that I promise my words will be as good as yours Ava: that would just be foolish James: I don't doubt your vocabulary either, you're extremely eloquent & capable whatever the circumstances James: a very worthwhile skill in a protagonist Ava: you could make me the swooning type and it'd be valid Ava: perhaps not very likable or inspirational though James: unless you've changed your mind about seeing me, I don't have the time for such a drastic & unnecessarily out of character rewrite James: there aren't enough hours in the day to finish the saga, never mind turn us into the next Bella & Edward James: what a great disservice that would be to you anyway Ava: That would be so out of character, I couldn't possibly, we'd find ourselves in the same situation regardless Ava: and whilst I'm happy to miss you and do some pining for the cause Ava: I'll be happier to see you, of course Ava: no need to exile yourself to Italy, though I can see the pluses of that for you/Edward James: not to mention, the age gap is already enough of a potential concern Ava: at least you aren't re-doing high school for the nth time Ava: that would be alarming James: there's an argument to be made that I should Ava: if you picked a better school, maybe James: at the top of a mountain, perhaps Ava: yes Ava: though, distracting as you would be, I wouldn't be mad at an excuse to see you every day James: there is nothing more distracting than the thought of the blush of your cheeks in the cold air, which is what I'm considering right now Ava: James James: Ava Ava: I'm going to have to be cool when I see you, aren't I James: yes Ava: okay Ava: then I better compose myself James: such a heartbreaking sentence will never make it into the final draft Ava: it's okay, I like swimming James: you'll enjoy it when I can promise you a hot spring Ava: I'll love it then James: I hope so Ava: I will Ava: but I could be anywhere with you and feel 🌞 James: I can't help but feel as though this swimming lesson will put that to the test Ava: screaming kids are nothing Ava: I'm 💪 James: you can have the baby then, there's more heavy lifting involved Ava: alright Ava: I can do that Ava: she must be like a little 🐠 James: she looks like one with her 🐠 hooded towel on Ava: that's adorable James: [sends her a picture from a previous swimming lesson of that adorable bub wearing it because that's not cheating evidence Chlo, we're safe] Ava: Bless her Ava: she's precious James: you'll do fine, she enjoys a compliment Ava: I feel that James: well, it'd be amiss if I didn't flirt with my au pair & we don't want any raised eyebrows Ava: Exactly Ava: got to play your role James: if there was ever one I was seemingly born to play Ava: you don't want an actual au pair? Ava: not for flirting purposes, obviously James: I'm not allowed one, for flirting purposes or otherwise Ava: Ahh Ava: I see James: yet another cliche Ava: you shouldn't need one Ava: she doesn't work, right Ava: or uni, or anything James: of course not, but we would hypothetically need one because, as you just highlighted, she doesn't do anything Ava: yeah Ava: maybe you could find a man Ava: or a really unappealing woman James: I'm not handing her someone else to sleep with, least of all someone who's supposed to be busy watching the children James: & I don't think a woman unappealing enough exists given that my imagined track record clearly surpasses the actual Ava: and it would just be cruel to force any queer guy to be her built-in gay BFF Ava: 🙁 James: oh god, that would be the cruellest fate imaginable Ava: couldn't wish that on anyone Ava: I just Ava: wish I could help more long-term James: all you have to do is be here, that is helping me both short & long term James: more than you know or I could feasibly let you know Ava: but you can try Ava: and I will very much enjoy you doing so Ava: later James: I miss you James: I want you to know that now Ava: I miss you too James: I'll be there soon though, whether or not that helps or makes the feeling worse for you Ava: we'll see Ava: at least I can let you know 💬 James: I'll take my own opportunity to compose myself before you do Ava: 😇 James: 😈 Ava: it will be hard not to be James: it always is Ava: yeah Ava: one day, you won't have to be James: but this morning, I'll try to please everyone Ava: and you will James: you're the 😇 darling Ava: but you are very, very good Ava: you should know, I want you to James: thank you Ava: you're 🥇 James: I will only accept the accolade if I can share the honour with you Ava: you're too generous Ava: you deserve it James: so do you Ava: nah, not really James: yes really James: I don't deserve you happening to me James: I'm in awe of everything about you, Ava Ava: That's not true Ava: you deserve me Ava: and a lot more besides James: irrespective of the difference of opinion, I don't want anything more than you Ava: anything? James: what could I possibly desire more than you? Ava: you're Ava: are you nearly here? James: yes, but I can take some kind of impromptu detour if you'd rather the answer was no Ava: I can definitely compose myself again Ava: becoming quite an expert James: which is why you deserve a 🥇 James: I know how difficult it is to do Ava: at least we share in it Ava: that makes it, not easier but at least worthwhile James: still, I wish there was something I could do to make it easier for you Ava: it'll help when I get to see you in the pool Ava: or make it a lot worse in a kinda fun way, anyway James: oh James: I haven't stopped to consider what you're going to be wearing for this Ava: It's probably best you don't Ava: forget I said anything James: hm, what you're done is, you've essentially guaranteed I can't & won't Ava: it's okay, you have the whole ride there to think about it before you really need to concentrate James: except I meant it when I answered yes to being nearly there & as soon as I am, time will speed up as it tends to do James: around you there are just never enough moments Ava: I miss you before you've even got here too Ava: no amount of time seems suitable James: I'll write us days, weeks, months & years but there's every chance you'll still feel cheated by it Ava: that's just life isn't it Ava: there's no time for half the things we want to do, but we have to carry on in earnest anyway James: the fraction alters from person to person, depending on the life lived & what gets prioritised but I don't believe there's anyone satisfied that they've experienced enough of anything they still want Ava: right Ava: the best you can hope for is doing some of it and having no regrets about if you could've done any more with your allotted time James: in not doing regrets, I'm halfway there Ava: could be worse James: I'm aware it could also be better, don't worry, I won't make you say it Ava: who's couldn't though James: anyone I care about, if the 🖋 were mightier than the ⚔ or indeed intentions counted for more than words on paper in the 1st place Ava: good intentions might not exactly be doing good, but it's still much better than doing bad James: they might also be dangerously close to a fool's errand but I've definitely made a fool of myself for a lot less Ava: I think its noble James: do you? Ava: Yes Ava: of course Ava: I mean it, really mean it, when I say I think you're lovely James: it's just that I'm not used to hearing it James: give me days, months, weeks & years Ava: Done Ava: the only reason I'd stop was if you wanted me to Ava: even then, I might try again, a few more times James: I have no intention, be it good or bad, of stopping you from doing anything you want to Ava: as long as you want it too James: even if I don't Ava: I wouldn't want that James: give yourself days, months, weeks & years James: the point is, my limitations aren't yours, you can do whatever you want & I won't be something that prevents you Ava: I'll still have time and space to say and mean it, whoever I am, because it will still be true and you'll still deserve to hear it James: okay, I'll work on accepting that James: but I make no promises about getting that work done during this particular car ride James: nonetheless, if you're still willing to, you can get in Ava: [come through gal, say hello to them babies] James: [depending where we're putting this on the timeline it could be the first time you have] Ava: [very well could be, Jay just like whaaa] James: [she's like new phone who dis] Ava: [just like I too wanted to swim so I'm coming with, is that cool?] James: [cue excited chatter about swimming and all the other sports and activities she likes because she's a sporty bitch from cradle to grave hence her personal trainer future] Ava: [just taking an interest like your own mother never, so rude] James: [I like to imagine the baby joining in by making excited sounds like she's trying to chat too] Ava: [just replying like yeah girl, same, like you understand] James: [I love it when that's a thing] Ava: [so do babies] James: [already better with her than her actual mother is] Ava: [sad but true] James: [we know the bar is that low, no shade Ava we also know you'll be an amazing step mum and mum so] Ava: [but seriously, we aren't being that extra rn that would be weird, we're just being not shit lol] James: [exactly dr phil and we know this swimming lesson will go great cos I'm only gonna be evil after and not let him get away to spend the night with her cos forever rude] Ava: [that's real and fair] James: [you lowkey don't get to have anything you want rn lads it's just the era we're in] Ava: [true tea, can skip to that] James: the later we wanted is going to have to happen moreso than we thought James: I'm really sorry James: I've tried everyone, both my siblings even Ava: Oh, okay Ava: that is a shame James: It's not okay, you were wonderful earlier & I James: well, I'm hardly that, unless we're giving out marks for effort in the last hour Ava: I'm definitely counting it Ava: if it can't be done it can't be James: not tonight Ava: then it's, not okay but just a fact Ava: we'll find time James: what are you doing tomorrow, maybe we can find some time then? Ava: I'm going to another Uni taster day thing James: which uni is it? Ava: LSE, so I will be about the day after on James: & you'll tell me what you think of LSE when it's over, right? Ava: Of course Ava: it's 1st for journalism but I'm not sold quite yet James: the tour might swing it for you if they take it more seriously than the one I gave Ava: I happen to be fond of the tour you gave, thank you very much James: Yes, The Vault will forever hold a special place in your heart Ava: Exactly Ava: be swinging by whether I'm alum or not 😏 James: I'll bear that in mind should I ever need to find you Ava: you only have to ask James: or whistle, not your namesake's immortal line, but I'm sure it'd be effective Ava: I have two, should you ever like to try again James: I'll bear that in mind as well Ava: Are you named after your dad, or granddad? James: II not III Ava: might've skipped a generation, if he was feeling particularly ruthless James: that would be a fun anecdote, but no Ava: that's a shame Ava: how do they pick the second boy's name James: I assume my mother just named Teddy what she would have named me if my father's ego hadn't got in the way Ava: that makes sense James: how they chose me sister's name would be anyone's guess, were it not stolen from the royal family Ava: surprised they'd commit the faux pas Ava: never have you 'round now, very awkward James: or very much a relief Ava: Poor Charlotte is pretty awkward looking James: looking like your grandmother can go one of 2 extremely different ways James: the more greats you add, the more you're rolling the dice Ava: 😅 Ava: at least there is some mystery in that Ava: no prizes for guessing who I come from James: but hand on heart I can profess to being thrilled that neither of my daughters resemble any of their grandparents Ava: they look like you James: Jay does Ava: yeah, moreso Ava: little ones change so much James: yes, she's an unfinished work Ava: that's a good way to put it James: it's better than being a shelved one, as I am Ava: I can deploy tiptoes if necessary James: thank you for what will be a cherished mental image Ava: it'd be cuter if I was smaller but in relation to you James: you couldn't be any cuter, in relation to anyone Ava: I'm glad you think so James: of course I do Ava: no of course about it Ava: you're totally gorgeous yourself James: first you're comparing our heights & now follows the rest of our attributes James: it's okay, I'm sitting down Ava: well I'm glad to hear you're getting somewhat of a break Ava: I'm just saying, it was still very unlikely, if not star-crossed James: you don't think we looked right together earlier? Ava: I love how we looked James: is there a but coming? Ava: only in the sense I wish it wasn't such a predictable cliche scene around here Ava: but it's neither of our faults that employment is seen as an actual form of flirtation by some James: it was a convenient excuse, I couldn't have wished for more than that under the circumstances Ava: I know Ava: it did the job James: if you want to come again, we know it works Ava: do you think I'll be invited back? James: I don't see why not Ava: I did okay then James: you did better than okay, we're all in agreement here Ava: good James: you haven't been worrying about this since you left, have you? Ava: not worrying Ava: but I don't want to mess that up, so I'm glad I didn't James: I understand, but I meant what I said about being in awe of you, you know James: this wasn't any different Ava: You really do always know what to say Ava: I know it was only swimming, but I'm glad they got to go James: well it's obvious that you always know what to do because you were perfect James: I was worried I shouldn't have agreed to you coming with us, but I'm glad you did James: they would've missed out for no reason if I'd panicked needlessly Ava: it wasn't needless panic though, you were left properly in the lurch Ava: and on paper, does not sound like the best idea James: I'm used to that, but less used to us existing off the page, particularly when it isn't just the two of us James: I asked you what you thought about how we looked, but it's something I try not to think about Ava: because of what other people might think Ava: or because you don't like the thought James: because of everything about my life that makes it difficult for us to be an us James: & because of your age & theirs Ava: You aren't that much older, even if your life means you have to act it Ava: but I understand Ava: thinking about it too much makes you think it might only ever be a nice thought, a daydream on the page and in our heads James: I know but Jay is 6 & you aren't old enough to have a child of that age James: which is why you don't James: I can't help thinking about that Ava: Well, yeah, I don't get having kids, there's no denying that but I'm not trying to say I do Ava: most people your age don't have kids either James: of course they don't, that's the thing, there's not an excessive age gap but there is a huge discrepancy when it comes to our lifestyle Ava: I know James: I don't want to alter yours, that's all Ava: You aren't just going to Ava: my lifestyle is up to me James: okay, just don't let me rewrite you Ava: you won't Ava: you don't want to, and I won't let you Ava: don't worry, okay James: I'll try not to Ava: it's needless, we can use that word here instead James: it's only a worry because I like you exactly as you are Ava: those aren't your words, sir James: do you only accept original speeches? James: it's very much a sentiment that applies to you and how I feel in this instance Ava: as long as you stick to the classics Ava: Mark Darcy, Edward Cullen James: an easy promise to both make & stick to Ava: then I'm happy Ava: 😊 James: I'm happy to hear that Ava: I like it when you're happy James: I'm happy with you Ava: good Ava: that's a good start Ava: we'll see each other soon, but maybe we can call before then James: I'd like that James: when? Ava: whenever you can Ava: I'm going to have a quiet night in James: as soon as I can then Ava: perfect Ava: what are you doing now? James: everything you would if you were my actual au pair Ava: Awkward when I am just a pretty face James: you're not but you're also not on my payroll thankfully because that would be more awkward James: what are you doing? Ava: making some dinner Ava: then I'll see how long I can make a bath last, I reckon James: are you making the same thing for yourself as you were going to make for me? Ava: I would've made you something special James: you've earnt special too though Ava: I'll do a different kind of special then Ava: comfort food James: I normally can't stand compromises but that admittedly sounds like a lovely one Ava: aren't compromises key in kid negotiations though? James: I think that depends what kind of parent you are Ava: and you're the structure and routine, so you're the boundaries and rules that aren't up for discussion too James: whether I wish I could just give in sometimes or not Ava: you're the love too though Ava: you can tell they both adore you James: for as long as being everything doesn't wear me down to nothing, I'll keep being exactly what they need me to Ava: does anyone help Ava: like, give consistent help James: her parents are the closest I've got Ava: sounds really fucking stressful James: it was easier with one Ava: yeah Ava: now you're outnumbered James: & everyone helped more when Jay was younger because we were too James: I'm expected to know what I'm doing by now Ava: don't reckon anyone ever does though Ava: cop-out response, I'm aware but genuinely Ava: it's just everyone has the responsibility of fucking up their own kids James: every child is different & I'm not remotely the same person I was either James: an additional cop out response but true anyway James: the way I handle things now, or don't, is a world away from how I coped then so James: new challenges Ava: well, I can't say about then Ava: but you're nicer now than lots of dickheads 'round here that wait 'til they're 30-40 odd to have theirs James: thank you Ava: whatever missteps, having a parent that's a decent person is an advantage lots of kids don't get James: are yours? Ava: yeah, I think so Ava: like, they aren't storybook parents and they never have been that type, they're too fucked up for that Ava: but they did and would do anything for us, nothing we could bring at them would be too much, and my siblings have definitely put that to the test in recent years James: storybook parents tend to lead you into the woods using a trail of breadcrumbs or do nothing while you're placed under a curse anyway James: which sounds more like the school of child rearing my parents would subscribe to Ava: oh you're right Ava: the ones that aren't dead are usually terrible James: I need to write some better bedtime stories once the novel is finished Ava: you'd be perfect at that Ava: I can tell Ava: you can turn me into whatever animal sells best but it better be cute or I won't be able to help being slightly offended James: you'll be adorable & clever & kind, of course James: the good ideas can come from your animal counterpart as they always do from you when you're yourself Ava: very 🦗 Ava: she likes 🐕 a lot though, and I can handle that James: I was considering a water creature because you love swimming & are intending to be in the bath as long as you possibly can James: perhaps 🦦 Ava: see Ava: you're amazing at this Ava: that would be so cute James: you haven't seen the pictures yet, an amazing artist I am not Ava: we'll get you an illustrator James: male or unattractive? Ava: I'm not your wife, I don't need to make those sort of stipulations James: strictly hired on their ability to draw an adorable 🦦 it is then Ava: 👍 thinking James: [I was thinking he should send her some totally beautiful and expensive pudding because she said comfort food so that needs to arrive before she's in the bath otherwise that'd be annoying instead of sweet] Ava: James James: Ava Ava: how am I ever going to thank you? James: oh good, I thought you were say you didn't like it James: *about to Ava: I love it Ava: how are you just as sweet Ava: it's ridiculous James: it's ridiculous that I can't see you for days at a time James: I want you to know that you're in my thoughts more often than that Ava: if she knew how lucky she was, none of this would even be an issue, that's what's ridiculous Ava: but I'm sort of glad she doesn't Ava: selfishly James: she isn't lucky to have me, that's the obvious issue James: because to say that we don't work as a couple or aren't sweet to each other is an oversimplification Ava: did you ever? James: no Ava: I'm sorry James: I don't deserve any sympathy, I haven't always tried very hard Ava: It's still sad James: It's sad for them, I'd like to think that maybe one day they'll describe me as 'fucked up but...' as you did your parents though James: I'd happily settle for that Ava: I don't know how thrilled they'd be Ava: but there's not really a higher compliment so Ava: as far as goals go, it's a good one James: realistic goals are the only way forward Ava: I'll drink to that James: 🥂 since I can't actually Ava: I'm just eating my pudding, obviously James: very amiss of me not to send you 🍾 as well James: noted Ava: Shh Ava: it was perfect, you are Ava: there's always enough 🍾 'round mine to bathe in, should I feel so inclined James: I remember Ava: yeah Ava: I remember too James: I won't ask you to fill in the ensuing gaps in my memory, don't worry Ava: I tried not to pay that close attention, naturally James: 😇 naturally Ava: Hardly Ava: Buster was just pretty embarrassing James: I remember that as well James: though I took the 👑 in that regard so there's little room for me to say anything Ava: you aren't my brother so I guess it didn't really register James: it may have more closely registered had we stayed friends, I suppose Ava: He didn't stay, period James: precisely Ava: 🤷 James: if he had & we were still friends, there wouldn't be a you & I so Ava: depends how good friends you were Ava: think you'd have to be much better than you were, right? James: it would be an added complication regardless & there are more than enough of those Ava: very true James: no offense to your brother but I would rather have your company than his Ava: 😂 I should hope so James: you could improve your ⚽ skills but James: Jay'll help you Ava: Slander Ava: I could be semi-pro, you don't know 😏 James: 😂 Ava: I'm not though, don't want to get anyone's hopes up here Ava: definitely come back to bite me if I try and impress you with my dribbling skills 🙄 James: I won't wait for you to indignantly explain the off side rule to me, it's okay Ava: we're both better than that cliche James: I hope so Ava: besides, I have ZERO interest in being a sports journalist thank you Ava: not putting that out into the universe James: or a WAG presumably Ava: not unless he has an interesting personality to go with the ball control James: some of them must Ava: probably be better going with a female player but I doubt they're girlfriends go in for the WAG label Ava: not invested enough to champion it solo James: it'd be a slightly less stereotypical existence Ava: except every lesbian is either a footballer, cop or farmer James: I'll have to take your word for it Ava: yes, I'm very reliable James: well I'm sorry, you can't be the novel's narrator Ava: I like your words too much, that's fine James: you're too kind to me Ava: no James: yes James: because it's another failing of mine that I can't get inside your head in order to write those words Ava: I like when you tell them to me Ava: with your voice James: can I call you? Ava: yes James: [does and I vote it lasts for hours and hours because they are cute and high key] Ava: [agreed]

1 note · View note

thesickpanda · 5 years

Text

Where is My Mind?

Stress can make you feel like you're going crazy.

I cannot emphasize this enough. Long-term, persistent and intense stress well above your baseline levels can make you feel like you're losing your mind.

Life is stressful and when I think back to when the intense periods of stress started in mine it gets a bit ridiculous because I grew up in a domestically violent household with severely mentally ill parents in a country on the brink of civil war with one of the highest crime rates in the world. So I have been kinda stressed for a very long time. However, in more recent months, the level of acute stress I've been experiencing has made me feel disconnected from reality. I've experienced derealisation a number of times due to Lyrica withdrawal and accidental cannabis highs. But this one is different. The depersonalisation I’ve been experiencing is from pure, unrelenting stress. I really did question my sanity more than once.

In July, I saw my psychologist to describe this feeling to her. She very helpfully drew a diagram which explained the neuroscience of why we feel this way when we've experienced high levels of stress for a long time. It was really helpful to see that because it reassured me that what I was feeling was, as much as this can be said, "normal", given the amount of strain I was under. But the stress hasn’t let up since then and I have been well above my baseline for much too long.

Long story short, I haven't really recovered since my family visited me last year. 2018 was a year from hell. 2019 hasn’t been much better but for different reasons. Basically, the hardships I’ve endured being the leader of a non-profit all these years reached critical mass and finally, at long last, broke me. After 8 years of pouring all my heart, soul and every last spoon I had into it, I quit last month…and to very little fanfare at that. 3 people turned up for our final meeting, and only because we needed to hand them the organization’s physical assets. We had a little unplanned dinner out and that was that.

I'm grateful to the handful of people who have reassured me they will continue its legacy beyond my departure, genuinely I am, but overall I think I stayed in that position at least a year longer than I should have. I feel incredibly jaded and cynical about the whole thing.

And I’m sorry if this offends anyone, but screw Sydney’s activists. The vast majority of them can barely call themselves that. I have never been in such an apathetic, vain, self-centered and lazy city when it comes to political activism. This migrant has had enough of trying to get Australians to care about their own issues. (And yeah, the people I handed the non-profit over to? Also migrants).

It is telling that the final meeting was also the night before we moved house (because we always had to wrap our own lives around the goings on of that organisation, not the other way around, which is another major reason we quit). So after an hour and a half’s drive into the city, we had to get home late to get up early the next day to start that fun process.

But I am getting ahead of myself. Before we ever got to moving day, we first had to find a house. If you haven’t done it before, let me tell you, the process of house hunting on a tight budget in a hostile market is disgustingly stressful.

We were looking from June. The property market in Sydney is unbelievably expensive and even though it experienced a so-called "correction" for a year, (meaning that house prices stabilized instead of continuing to rise), that ended just as we entered into the property hunt. I am extremely grateful that we got the house we did at the price we did, but my God, getting to that point nearly killed me. I keep explaining to people that it felt as if my partner and I ran full blast over broken glass to the edge of a dock, leapt several metres and grabbed onto the barnacles of a departing ship by our fingernails. I really do think we may have been among the last millennials that got on that “property” ship, and it was only because, at long last, we had help from my partner's extremely wealthy parents. After shaming us for a decade for not being able to afford impossible house prices (“ok boomer…”), he finally relented and helped us out. Again, I'm grateful, but also disgusted that this is the world we live in. Housing should be a human right and we shouldn't have this intergenerational greed and infighting over something so basic. Forgive my inner socialist.

Finding the house was only the first part of the equation; moving into it was the next step.

The moving process was incredibly arduous. At the time we should have been packing up the house, my partner's work decided to send him interstate for business on multiple occasions. By the time moving day came round, we were not ready and we couldn't afford to pay removalists. We enlisted the help of two amazing friends and Joe's brother-in-law. Again, super grateful that I had their help, but my God, was it intense. It took the better part of four days to move everything. We had to pay off the mortgage and the rent for the previous place for a two-week period, putting considerable strain on our savings. At the same time, we needed to get some work done in the new house so that was being done while we were trying to sort out the old house. The rental laws in this country are a joke and are widely considered to be abusive to renters, including by many of my American friends who now live here. I doubt we will ever see our bond returned, even though we were treated like crap living there for three years in a house that was not sealed, had no insulation or air conditioning, leaked and was draughty, didn't have proper doors et cetera et cetera. I mean, we had maggots falling from the ceiling… twice. The place was rotting and rotten but because my partner couldn't completely colour match the paint when he tried to cover up what was absolutely reasonable wear and tear on one of the walls, I'm sure we will lose all that. As usual, the landlord will claim it costs our entire $1800 bond to get a $50 an hour painter in to patch up one wall. They always do this. In your contract it says reasonable wear and tear are a few knocks and dings on the wall and that the tenant is not expected to pay for that. In reality, in every rental we have ever lived in, the landlord has refused to refund the bond when there’s been even the slightest bit of damage, even if we had a record of being model tenants. It was almost comical how hard my partner was trying in the middle of the move to cover up a few scrapes on the walls from moving furniture in and out. It all came to nothing because for love nor money he couldn't find the correct match of paint. And then of course he had to mow the entire grounds of the last rental when he really wanted to be using his weekends to sort out and unpack the new house. Good God, it was awful.

My partner and I barely spent any quality time together during this period and he was extremely stressed out and distant from me. I totally understand why but the whole thing flared every single one of my conditions and I needed him as my carer. But he couldn’t really do that, as he was trying to do literally everything else. Moving house is hard on a healthy body, never mind one with two chronic pain disorders, irritable bowel and generalised anxiety disorder. And then (because of course), a family member of mine (one of the abusers) picked that moment in time to start harassing me, thereby triggering my PTSD which led to a nervous breakdown which led to intense depersonalisation, insomnia and nausea. Everyone and everything seemed unfamiliar to me, even my partner. I started to doubt whether or not I loved myself or anyone else anymore. I just felt so completely and utterly disconnected from the world. I began to lie awake at night terrified that I was fading away, that I could no longer feel anything other than fear. All the time, people kept saying, “congratulations on the new house! You must be so excited!” But all I could feel was sickness and dread.

Two weeks after moving in, I had to drop my Lyrica one more time. This drop has been very difficult. All of the stress has led to some dark thoughts in the back of my mind which of course Lyrica then co-opts and exaggerates. I have had a more than a few moments of suicidal ideation. Everything in my life on paper has improved. We are now homeowners, we live in a beautiful part of the world, we've made some new friends lately, things are settling down et cetera et cetera. But I feel like I'm in shell shock after this year and last year. I haven't even had time to process that I am no longer the president of the not-for-profit I founded and formulated an identity around. I just haven't had the time to process literally anything. I've been more exhausted that I have ever felt. Oh, I'm sure everyone will say, “this too shall pass”. But I do not believe that bullshit. Yes, this individual stressor will pass but more horror will come and I know that makes me sound super negative but I just cannot remember a period of time when things were calm for… I can't remember. I just feel like I've been in a hurricane forever.

So yeah, I'm writing this post while experiencing Lyrica withdrawal which makes me depressed and anxious. It's probably colouring my vision on everything. Fine. But I have been going through Lyrica withdrawal for two years, so it’s kinda become my normal. My final drop is on 26 December after which I will experience two more months of withdrawal and hopefully, after that, some semblance of sanity again. In the midst of all this I have to study for my citizenship test which is at the end of this month. I don't get any government support for my disability until I have been a citizen of this country for eight years, and as I’d like to survive my 40s, I need to get citizenship now. But yeah… studying an eighty-page textbook with an addled brain is just so much fun.

Of course, during this time we haven’t have Internet because we had to disconnect the old place and it takes an age for it to get reconnected at the new place. We only recently acquired it at the new house. So there are piles of emails waiting for me. Many of them are from friends and I'm glad for that. But there is also a lot of life admin I now need to do. I have to change my address on every account I hold, which is really tedious. We have also had to organise time with family. Because my partner's family helped us get this house, we feel especially obliged to go to every single one of the family events, of which there are many. He comes from a big Catholic family so every relative who comes to visit, every party that's being held, every birthday, wedding, funeral and religious holiday, we’re now expect to attend. We have several in the next few weekends, taking up most of the time we *needed* to be unpacking the house. We’re obligated now.

In all this negativity, though, I want to say that I am genuinely grateful to be one of the lucky ones to have a house. I know it sounds like I am whining about a good thing. It's not that I'm not glad for this (I know how ridiculously privileged we are). I just haven't been able to really feel it yet. I think that regardless of what happened this year, I’d be feeling this way. Something broke in me last year and just hasn't really come back. I feel shattered.

And all my chronic pain conditions have been wearing me down too. I found out this year that the operation that cost me and my friends so much money (to remove that nerve in my foot) had failed. Or rather, the surgeon had completely botched it up. I have PTSD from that surgery. Just the thought of going back to have it done again fills me with heart racing terror and cold sweats. I’ve had numerous surgeries before that one and been fine, but the reaction I had from the anesthetic last time was so severe, and the recovery so long, that I genuinely fear it more than almost anything else. And yet I need to go in for that nightmare all over again in 2020. I'm going to be asked to trust a different surgeon to do the same so-called “simple operation” to restore some functionality to my left foot. My right knee is probably also going to need surgery since it has been resistant to any physiotherapy rehabilitation. And on top of all this, my poor partner's health has also taken a hit this year from the stress which is worrying me. Because I can always do with some more worry…

But hey! This too shall pass! You should be happy! Life is great now! Yay yay yay!

Fuck, sometimes it just want to be allowed to feel shit and to have other people say “okay you can feel shit now. Yes, some good things have happened but right now you need to process the bad and that's okay too”. My lord, if people could just do that for me. If they could just let me feel what the fuck I need to feel.

What I feel is exhausted, scared, freaked out, traumatized, weird, sick, angry, overwhelmed and fed up. And I need to feel those things before I can feel anything else.

#rant #Fibromylagia #chronic illness #chronic pain #chronic stress #stress #overwhelmed #personal catharsis

3 notes · View notes