#idk if i'm doing it with my band i messaged them and they didn't say anything

[mack-anthology-mp3]

had a really good idea to ask this kid in my music class if he wants to song where the wild roses grow with me for a concert thing we're gonna be doing at school soon - i've always wanted to play it with someone and he's into folk music and theatre i feel like that fits his vibe, now i just gotta ask him if he wants to sing a murder ballad with me lol

#we're not friends exactly but i know him pretty well and he's super nice #yeah! #i'm actually not nervous about this for once #i already signed up to do the show on my own but i can sacrafice those for this i reckon #or #idk if i'm doing it with my band i messaged them and they didn't say anything #where the wild roses grow #i actually listened to the album version for the first time in agesssss i forget what it sounds like lol #i like the live version with blixa way better

[sohcah-toa]

omg hii im nrw to ur blog (i lovs it btww❤❤❤🙏🙏🙏) and idk if ur requests are open (if not ignore this plesss)

so basically modern au and kazuha(or xiao/venti) is in a band with 4nemo when suddenly f!reader sends a lewd picture jn the middle if the concert 🙏🙏🙏😩😩 (i was reaally in a rish writing this so ignoer my misspelngs

-hornnyy anon💚💚💚

desperado

⚠️ nsfw, f!reader, smut, modern au, 4nemo [kazuha, venti, xiao] (all separate)

🗒 didn't include all the members of 4nemo, only on the req. also this is like the 1st time i made venti smut <3

🗒 also this was so long, my phone started lagging 😂 but im really happy to make this <3

🎶 Kazuha as your ex / Venti as your old friend / Xiao as your frenemy

💌 masterlist

— little bit of context: you know 4nemo personally since high school but you've been way out of touch with them ++ you love taking lewd photos because it makes you feel confident

— also they're kind of bad boys 😎

🍁

kazuha

You were going on about your day as usual, working at a small store with Lumine and Aether watching TV. Then the TV featured 4nemo announcing their concert this weekend.

You sigh "You know guys, I know 4nemo personally. We were all high school buds"

Lumine laughed "You keep saying that but you have no proof"

You just sighed "I'm still finding old photos, okay? There were no cameras when we were high school"

"Yeah yeah, sure" Aether seemed uninterested

Then someone came in the store, running towards you "You would not believe this!!" Childe said, grabbing your hand "I got 4nemo concert tix!"

Lumine stood up "No way! How many?"

"Four tickets!" Childe said "Would you guys want to go with me?"

"Of course!!" Lumine and Aether said at the same time

"No!" You shouted

Lumine laughed "Afraid we're gonna find out that you don't really know them?"

You groaned "No! Because—"

"Come on Y/n, these tickets were really hard to get" Childe pouted, you rolled your eyes then sighed

"Fine!" You said, panicking inside

Aether then said "Finally, you're going to be able to prove you know them, right?" then laughed out loud

You were sweating, you didn't want to see HIM in person, although there was no way he would see you.

"Are you alright?" Lumine asked "You look like shi—"

"She's probably excited" Childe said "Well, gonna go home to my siblings, byeee" then just left like that.

Aether then rubbed your back "Are you super excited? You look pale"

"I-I'm fine.. probably" You trembled. What if they know the secret?

##

Finally, it was the weekend. You and others met on the concert. There were a lot of people.

Although you're sure HE wasn't going to see you, you dressed up super nicely and even took some lewd photos before going out. You were feeling confident.

Hours passed, Lumine and Aether was screaming along with Childe, singing all the songs.

You were on your phone because somebody just texted, an old classmate seeing you on the concert.

"Ugh" You rolled your eyes reading the message "Did you and Kazuha get back together?" the message said. "Fuck this" you ignored the message.

You start focusing on having fun with your friends but you couldn't help it, you checked your phone, that old classmate texted you again, sending you Kazuha's private profile.

"No dammit" You groaned to yourself but clicked the photo anyway "Dang it he looks like he's doing better than me"

"Y/n! What are you doing?! The concert is still on!" Childe shouted, he was so hyped and so were the twins.

You put your phone in your pocket, forgetting to turn it off. You were finally enjoying the concert up until it was Kazuha's solo.

You took your phone out again as a distraction, to your surprise a bunch of photos were sent to Kazuha and it was the photos you took earlier. It must've sent while on your pocket, you were moving a lot. You start to panic and grab Lumine.

"LUMINE!" You yelled. It was so loud, Kazuha has a lot of fangirls. His solo is still not done.

Lumine looked at you. You put your arm around her shoulder and showed her the messages, you covered the photos using your hands.

"What are the photos?" She asked, you looked at her nervously, sweating "No! Wait no! Let me see"

She grabbed the phone and saw it "NO YOU—!"

"Give me back!" You grabbed it back, blushing "Shut up" you whisper to her.

The band announces that they're gonna have a short break so you and the others went to some place less crowded.

##

"YOU DID WHAT?! THAT'S SO CREEPY!" Aether yelled so you cover his mouth.

"It's okay if you don't really know them, this is going too far y/n" Childe said judging you

You groaned "I didn't even send it on purpose. You think I like this?!" you were about to cry.

"Too bad there's no unsend button" Lumine sighed "What do we do?"

"Come on guys, will he even notice the message? He has like tons of fans. He probably won't see it" Aether said, trying to comfort you but it isn't as comforting as he thinks it is.

"But the thing is—" You try telling them the truth but you keep getting interrupted.

"Yeah, he probably won't even see it" Lumine backed Aether up.

"The things is ——"

"Let's go back to the concert" Childe said

"GUYS! HE'S MY EX!" You accidentally yell. All went quiet then laughed then went quiet again upon seeing you all worked up.

"For real?" Lumine asked "No, you're lying. I know you're lying face"

You explain them everything. How you broke up because of all the busy-ness.

After all the explaining, you all came up with a plan to go backstage and destroy his phone. He can probably buy a new one.

##

"Few minutes before the concert continues. We can do this" You tell them, desperate to destroy that phone.

You all walk in backstage using Childe's connections. Everybody was so busy that they didn't even notice you.

You all start looking for Kazuha separately to be fast. Then finally you see him walking inside a room holding his phone.

"No no no no" You whisper to yourself, going towards him but the busy crowd made you go slower.

Finally you went inside the room only to see something surprising.

Kazuha was jerking off to your photo, his phone on his hand.

"Oh my God" You gasped. He immediately zipped his pants up and ran towards you. You were about to go out but he pushed the door closed.

"Listen—" He started talking.

You can't even face him. You know to yourself that you still haven't moved on from him. One look and it's all over.

"Y/n" He called your name "Why did you—?"

"It was an accident!" You finally turned to look at him, he looks so handsome "J-Just delete it!" you blushed trying to grab his phone but he immediately pulled his arm back.

"No way, this is mine" He smirked a little "You're blushing"

His other arm was still on the door, keeping it closed. His face was getting closer and closer to you. You both stare into each other's eyes for what felt like an eternity.

You were speechless, getting lost in his eyes "Kazuha, you have a—" then you felt it.. again after all these years. His lips on yours.

He caressed your cheek, pulling you deeper into the kiss. He pulled back "Still got that spark"

He held your hand and placed it above his bulge "So help me?"

"Fuck" You whispered to yourself and climbed on top of him, he pushed you against the door and kissed you roughly. His hands travelling all over your body. Your legs wrapped around his waist.

"Still so fucking sexy" He whispered, kissing your neck.

You pushed him a little and removed your shirt, your removed his clothes too.

"Shut up and fuck me" You breathed hard, rubbing yourself against him. For some reason whenever it's Kazuha, you can't control yourself.

"Gladly" He bit your lower lip before going down to your chest "Damn"

He ripped your bra off using his other hand, your breasts bouncing from all the grinding you both have been doing "Kazuha, hurry up, you have a concert"

"Forget the concert" He whispered, licking your nipples making you moan "I'd rather fuck your brains out"

You reach out to rub his erect cock, you unbuttoned his pants and he helped removing it, also removing his boxers along with it.

You can now feel his erection on your underwear, he continues to suck your breast left and right, making you even wetter.

You grab his cock and start stroking it as fast as you can.

"Just like back then huh?" He laughed a little, it was so sexy "I missed this"

You slide his cock inside your underwear, your pussy throbbing from feeling his cock at your entrance.

He kissed you again, sucking your tongue. You moaned "Fuck me already before someone comes in"

You grab tight onto his shoulders as he pushes his cock deep inside you.

"You got bigger?" You asked, nibbling on his ears.

"I just really missed this" He whispered, leaving small kisses on your neck as he starts thrusting up and down. The door making noises everytime he pushes himself into you.

"Ah— fuck, Kazuha!" You moaned loudly, your eyes rolling at the back of your head from the pleasure. He starts sucking your nipples again, adding more pleasure making you go insane.

He was so hungry for you, all these years, he's been holding himself back. He starts to get rougher.

"Kazuha~" You moaned, your nails sinking in his back as he goes deeper inside you.

Then someone knocked, the door kept making loud noises because of you guys that someone has actually noticed it.

"Kazuha? Who's in there? The concert's about to be continued!" That someone was Venti.

Kazuha refused to answer. He focused on fucking you, thrusting up and down, holding your legs that was wrapped around his waist, having no intention of stopping.

Then Venti starts opening the door, it wasn't locked so the both of you were pushed a little but Kazuha just slammed his cock harder into you, closing the door again.

"What the hell? Kazuha? Who's in there with you?" Venti asked.

You've been holding your moans in, biting Kazuha's shoulder a little bit to muffle your moans.

"Fuck— off!" Kazuha grunted, kissing you again "You feel so good" he whispered to you. Venti went away, annoyed.

All you could do at that moment was moan his name, begging him to go faster because you were about to cum.

"Make me cum Kazuha, don't stop" You gritted your teeth, groaning loudly "Shit"

"Cum with me" He grunted, he was panting and sweating.

You start trembling, feeling your climax "I-I'm cumming" you moaned, grabbing his hair.

He moaned loudly before thrusting one last time, cumming inside you, he pulled his cock out, his cum dripping down on the floor as he puts you down gently.

Both of you were trying to catch your breaths. What happened was so insane and impulsive. It just happened.

You both hear the crowd going wild, chanting 4nemo.

"Oh shit the concert" You immediately start getting dressed and he did the same.

He kissed you, slipping in a little tongue before pulling back "Dinner after the concert, wait for me" then he left.

"What have you done, y/n?" You asked yourself, trying to stay calm but your heart was pounding. It was impossible. You felt giddy, you couldn't help but smile.

You went out of that room and suddenly there was no crowd anymore. Everybody was focused on the concert again. The only people there are some others and your friends.

You immediately came up to them, trying to calm your heart.

"Where the hell were you?" Lumine asked.

You smiled immediately, you couldn't help it.

"We also saw Kazuha leaving that room" Aether said, suspicious of you.

"No way they met guys, it was a coincidence, let's go back to the concert" Childe insisted

"Right, let's go back!" You said, changing the topic.

"I broke a bunch of phones" Lumine said as you all went out there.

##

The concert was over but you refused to go home. Your friends kept asking you why, they were so curious they waited with you.

"I told you guys you didn't have to wait with me" You tell them.

"You've been acting weird since you came out of that room" Lumine said

Then someone walked towards you "Ready?" it was Kazuha.

The three were shocked, their jaws open.

"Bye guys, see you tomorrow" You tell them. Kazuha wrapped his arm on your waist pulling you closer to him and then kissed you, slipping a little tongue again before pulling back.

As you and Kazuha walk towards his car. The three were still shocked.

"They kissed" Aether said "She isn't lying?"

"There was defnitely tongue on that kiss" Childe said

Then Lumine yelled "Son of a bit—"

Who knew an accident like this would turn your life upside down?

End

🍃

venti

"Look, that's Venti right there" You showed Diluc a photo, Diluc who doesn't seem to believe that your old friend is now a very famous person.

"I honestly don't care" Diluc sighed, putting down card and saying "Uno"

"You don't believe me though" You pouted a little, dropping a card down "Plus 4 Kaeya"

"Gah" Kaeya groaned "I hate you guys"

"Let's go to the concert!" You suddenly blurted out as Kaeya gets 4 cards from the deck.

Diluc sighed "If you'll shut up about it fine"

Someone opened the door "Sorry guys I'm late" Jean said.

Then Kaeya threw all his cards on the table "New game, Jean's here, too bad Diluc, you could've won"

"You suck" Diluc said

##

You were out alone getting some tickets for the concert. Turns out Jean and her sister was a big fan of 4nemo. So you'll buy five tickets.

On the way to the ticket booth, you saw someone familiar. VERY familiar .. in disguise.

You walk up to him "Venti?"

His eyes widen "What the hell? Y/n? Shh not too loud. I'm trying to lay low"

"I was about to get tickets for your concert" You tell him with a huge smile.

"Nice, how many?" He asked and you answered "I'll give them to you for free, you've helped me many times in other classes before. If it weren't for you, I'd probably be poor and drunk. I mean I still drink a lot but atleast I'm rich"

You laugh at his little joke "You've always liked drinking. Want to go for one right now?"

His eyes sparkled "Do I?!"

That day, you and Venti tried to catch up with one another but you both ended up getting drunk and sleeping in a nearby hotel. Nothing happened or anything, you were both just too drunk to even go home.

##

"I'm so excited!" Barbara said, she was so happy to go to the concert while the two men groan and sigh back to back.

"This is a huge area" Jean said "Thank you for getting us the tickets"

"No problem at all" You smiled

"No problem at all because she didn't even pay for it" Kaeya said "If that's even true"

"It's too good to be true" Diluc said. Finally, they both agree on something.

"Now you're interested" You raise an eyebrow, annoying them even more.

##

The concert started. You see Venti up on the stage, it feels so surreal. He seems different when performing.

All you can feel for him is happiness. Truth is, you and Venti have been texting each other ever since that day. You scroll through your messages and smile, looking at him on the stage and then looking back at the messages. You take a photo of him at that moment and tried sending it to him.

But someone accidentally bumped into you causing you to click on another photo and hit send.

"No" You were so shocked by the photo that has been sent that you have no words. It only sinked in to you when 4nemo exited the stage for a short break.

"You ok?" Kaeya asked "You went quiet there for a second"

"It's unusual for you to be quiet especially when you've been bragging for forever that you know them" Diluc added, it's so rare for him and Kaeya to get along.

"I— did a mistake" You start panicking

"Oh y/n. It's okay if you lied about knowing them, it's just all good and fun, no need to panic" Jean said, calming you down.

"I might have— sent an inappropriate picture" You whisper to them, you made sure Barbara wouldn't hear.

"WHAT?" Jean shouted a little

"How did this happen?!" Diluc asked, he's now frustrated too

"Why did you even have that kind of photo in the first place?" Kaeya asked, curious about something not important at the moment.

You groaned "I-I gotta delete that on his phone. There's no way he could see that"

"Answer my question first" Kaeya said

It was because you were trying on your new underwear, you had to see it for yourself so you took a mirror selfie. There is no way you'd tell Kaeya that.

"Shut it, perv" Diluc sighed "Okay, you're friends with him right? So just ask to borrow his phone"

"But we have to go to the backstage for her to talk to him" Jean added, also thinking of ways to fix this.

"What's happening?" Barbara asked all of you. Everybody went quiet.

"Nothing, here's money, go buy merch" Jean said giving her money. Barbara gladly left.

"I'll charm the guards" Kaeya said, all looked at him and laughed a little, even Diluc.

"Jean, you do it" You suggested

"But I'm not good at—" Jean panicked too but agreed because she wanted to help you "Alright, I'll do my best"

"Kaeya and Diluc, make sure no one bother me and Venti when we talk, please, I don't want anybody to know" You begged and they agreed.

You all try going backstage but as expected, there were guards. So Jean was up.

She actually did it so fast, it's insane. As Jean charms the guards, the three of you went to find Venti.

"There he is" Kaeya pointed at Venti, going inside a room. All of you went there. As per the plan, you went in and the two guarded the door.

"Venti, h-hey, hi, what's up?" You asked, laughing nervously.

"Uh— y/n? What are you doing here? This is the bathroom" He said confused

"Oh oops, anyway, can I borrow your phone for a second?" You asked, he looked at you intensely.

He walked towards you, getting closer and closer "What are you hiding?" he asked, covering the door so you wouldn't get out "You're acting suspicious"

"Alright, we're friends and we're adults. We slept in a hotel and nothing happened so I might as well say it right?" You were so nervous, you just kept on blabbing stuff, your heart was pounding as you continue "I might have accidentally sent something inapproriate to you, I swear it was an accident"

"What is it?" he asked, putting his hands on his pocket.

"I-It was a photo of me in my underwear. I was trying some new stuff I bought and I wanted to see what I looked like so I took a photo and forgot to delete it" You just kept on talking and talking, feeling awkward every second "I was sbout to send you a photo I took earlier while you were performing and someone bumped into me and I accidentally sent that"

"Hmm, you're being way too defensive, I don't know if I'll feel hurt or flattered" He said, finally taking his phone out from his pocket and opening it.

You tried to grab it but he was way faster than you.

"Great photo" He looked at the phone and then at you "Are you wearing it right now?"

You immediately blushed "J-Just delete it! S-So we can get on with our lives!"

"I was pretty disappointed that nothing happened at the hotel" Venti said

"We were also 'pretty' drunk" You roll your eyes "Just delete it, you have a concert to get back to"

He kept staring at his phone "You look so pretty here"

"Venti!" You blushed

"What? I'm only human, I like pretty things" He said, still staring at his phone, sitting on the closed toilet.

"T-Thanks" You feel shy all of a sudden. You didn't mean to look at his crotch but you did and he was hard so you said "U-Uh— I gotta go"

"Do you really want to go?" He asked. You gulped a little, afraid to admit that you're disappointed too that nothing happened at the hotel.

You stopped on your tracks and turned to look at him. He has a bigger bulge now which is turning you on at the moment. You two were alone in that bathroom and you were wearing the underwear in the photo.

Venti stood up so you walked closer to him "I admit I was— you know" you try to look at everything but him "I was disappointed too"

"That nothing happened?" He asked, holding your hand "We can change that right now"

You felt giddy all of a sudden. All the other noises exited your brain. All you could hear was your heart pounding out of your chest.

You were the first to make the move. You kissed him right there. Not holding anything back. He wrapped his arms around you and pulled you deeper into the kiss. It was gentle.

He carried you and sat you down on the cover of the toilet then he kneeled down, as the kiss becomes even more aggressive, he took the moment to undress you "You're really wearing it"

He grabbed your breasts, pinching and fondling it making you moan a little "Venti.."

He pulled your pants off, seeing your underwear "Damn" he whispered, his tongue playing with yours.

It was kinda unfair that you were the only one with underwear on so you took his shirt off and said "Take off your pants too"

He chuckled slightly, kissing your nose "Alright" he took his pants off and also his underwear "This too right?"

You gulp a little seeing his erect cock, you feel your underwear getting wet, not wanting to wait anymore so you kiss him and stroked his cock up and down, catching him by surprise.

He slowly placed his hand above your crotch, rubbing it, he slowly removed your underwear.

"You're wet" he muttered to himself with a smile. You stood up and pushed him lightly on the toilet, making him sit "Whoa, aggressive, I like it" Venti placed his hand on your back and pulled you to a kiss.

"Of course, let's take this off" You said, taking his underwear off then sitting on his lap.

You were both so intoxicated that you forgot Kaeya and Diluc were just outside. You start stroking his dick, he whimpered and pulled your hips closer, kissing your neck.

You start moaning, feeling his cock go inside you, he squeezed your thighs, moaning.

Your breaths soon became heavy as you move up and down, his cock hitting the right spot "Venti.." you whispered, holding onto his shoulders for support.

Venti bit the bottom of his lip, moving his hips, slamming inside you making you squeal a little.

"D-Don't make me scream, people are o-outside" You had trouble speaking because of the pleasure. Venti just smirked and licked your breast "Venti!" you whisper.

"You feel so good right now, I can't help it" Venti said, grabving your hips so he could move, making you fall on top of him, just letting him fuck you.

Your moans became louder and uncontrollable as he becomes even more aggressive with you. You both stood up, he pushed your back lower, you held on the counter near the sink before he pushed his cock inside you again.

"Fuck Venti!" You moaned, you see yourself in the mirror as he fucks your pussy. You see him looking at the mirror too, the sight turns you on.

You feel his cock twitch inside you with every thrust he makes "I-I'm close.." Venti grunted, slapping your ass.

You were sure the others could hear everything, even the way his cock smacks inside you.

"C-Cum inside me" You muttered, losing your mind.

He just continued thrusting until you feel something warm inside you. You stood up straight, your knees about to give out but he helped you.

"Holy shit y/n" He was catching his breath "Amazing"

"I would've wanted it longer but I can hear the people outside waiting for you guys" You tell him, you start getting dressed.

He pulled you again and kissed you on the lips "Just one word and I'm out of there"

"Venti.. no! Go out there, the people want you" You tell him without ill feelings. You're really happy he gets to achieve his dreams.

Venti nodded and got dressed too. After the both of you are finally decent, you both went out.

Kaeya and Diluc was there, blushing, even their ears were red.

"Oh hey" Venti greeted them, not even ashamed "Alright y/n, catch you later" he said going back to the stage.

"What the fuck?" Diluc sighed

"We wanted to go away by the way! But we became worried someone might came in!!" Kaeya was so flustered.

"S-Sorry, you guys are the real ones" You giggled a little

"You owe us big time" Diluc said marching away, his ears were so red it was adorable.

"Come on, Jean's dying out there" Kaeya walked away too.

You look on the stage and see Venti with his other members. Then it hit you, you live in two different worlds.

You sigh as you go back to the concert yourselves.

##

The concert was ending, everything felt like a dream.

"Before the day end, I have an announcement!" Venti said, everybody cheered. This caught your attention, he continued "I have a girlfriend!"

Everybody still cheered. Your eyes widen. Your three friends look at you with wide eyes too.

Diluc whispered "He fucked you but he had a girlfriend?"

"Dude.." Kaeya rolled his eyes "So clueless about romance"

"And she's here!" Venti added, the crowd goes wild "To y/n, this is for you!" he said, he started singing a very beautiful song about how he liked a girl back then but didn't have the guts to confess.

The crowd was wild, there were a lot of people there but Venti was only looking at you, like you two were the only ones in there.

End

👹

xiao

"Don't you know that guy?" Hu Tao asked, watching television while eating.

"Yes, he was our classmate back then, right y/n?" Zhongli said.

You groaned and rolled your eyes "I don't know him"

"Lies" Zhongli chuckled before drinking his tea.

"Why do you hate him so much?" Hu Tao asked

You stood up "He's.. sucky. I'm leaving by the way"

"Wait!" Hu Tao stopped you "I got us tickets to the concert though, please don't be mad at me" she pouted.

You sighed "Fine, I'm going, for you" then you left.

You and Xiao has this weird competition on who's better at everything. Obviously, he won. That's what you think anyway.

But overall, he's not so bad. That's what you thought until you saw him again while walking.

"Ugh" He groaned in disgust upon seeing you "Why do people leave their trash everywhere?" he asked, looking at you.

"Shut the fuck up!" You couldn't help but fight back "What the hell are you doing here?"

"To see my friend? Zhongli, not you" He laughed, people started recognizing him.

"Good thing I was leaving then" You roll your eyes

People started to ask for pictures "See you, right? You're going?"

Before you knew it, you couldn't leave because of all the people surrounding the place. You went back inside and saw him. The guards stopping all the people.

"Sorry, people love me" He sighed

"Argh" You were annoyed. Both of you started walking where Hu Tao and Zhongli is.

He started walking faster, but then so did you, and then so did he until you were both running there at full speed.

You open the door and yelled "I won!! Loser" You laughed at his annoyed face while you try to catch your breath.

"I was just tired" He said, panting "Whatever. Hi Zhongli" he waved, still trying to catch his breath.

"OH MY GOSH! XIAO FROM 4NEMO!" Hu Tao was such a huge fan, you had no idea why "Can I have a picture?"

"Why?" You asked her in disgust, you walk away while they take pictures.

"I never get tired of seeing you two" Zhongli talked to you "Stop the competition it's been years"

"You wouldn't get it" Xiao said, sitting beside Zhongli "May I?"

"Have all the tea you need Xiao" Hu Tao said, clearly very excited "So— Aether is on the 4nemo"

"Aether is her bias, sorry" You smirk as you tell Xiao that.

"Whatever y/n, Aether is great by the way" Xiao said, drinking his tea.

You pour yourself tea too and start drinking.

He starts drinking it a lot faster, he finished it before you "Sucker, now I'm the winner"

"What? It's just drinking tea! I hate you" You clench your teeth, he's such a child.

"They're always like this Hu Tao, don't worry" Zhongli said as Hu Tao chuckles nervously.

"There is so much sexual tension" Hu Tao sighed

"I know. Xiao! Y/n! Just get a room" Zhongli sighed too

##

The day of the concert finally arrived.

"Whooooo" Hu Tao was cheering. Zhongli is quiet as usual, and you, were kinda annoyed seeing all the pictures of Xiao outside.

You just started speaking to somebody but it's not that serious. You took a quick sexy pic last night so you could send it to him later. You giggle to yourself thinking about it as the concert started.

Xiao looked like a rockstar, you don't like him but man did he make your heart flutter while playing the guitar.

"Was I just briefly attracted to Xiao? Hell no!" You shout, even if you did, nobody would hear you since everybody was going wild.

You look at him again, Xiao on the stage, he was glowing, he looked so different. Your face felt hot and your heart was beating in your face, if that wasn't enough, his eyes met yours, you were flustered.

You gulp "I-I gotta go to the bathroom guys, I'll be right back" you immediately went to the bathroom to calm yourself "There's no fucking way I'm attracted to him. I mean, is he handsome? Yes. Do I think he's hot? .... Fuck yes, I think he's hot" you sigh to yourself "Dang it, I hate him"

You scroll through your messages to try and take your mind off of Xiao. You decided to send the pic. After sending you realize one grave mistake. It was sent to Xiao.

"Shit, no!" You start panicking, why isn't there an undo message or delete message yet?! You start breathing heavily. It was a full on nude picture, with your face!

You exit the bathroom and immediately told Zhongli and Hu Tao the problem.

"WHAT?" Hu Tao was so shocked, she almost fainted.

"Let's go and talk to him, they're taking a break right now" Zhongli said, you nod, feeling nervous about it all.

##

"They're my friends, it's alright" Xiao said, seeing the three of you talk to the guards "Well, well, well" he looked at you

"Y/n has something to say" Zhongli said.

Hu Tao was so nervous, she was turning blue, as someone who speaks a lot, she has no words.

"U-Uh, I accidentally—" before you could finish, he smirked

"Oh that" He smiled, you knew it was a bad idea to tell him directly, you should've just stole the phone, he's rich, he can buy another one!

He then continued speaking "Zhongli, Hu Tao, can we have a moment?"

Hu Tao was shaking, Zhongli helped her as they both went out.

"Follow me" Xiao said, you were nervous too but you can't let him see that.

You followed him into an empty room. There was a couch, a TV and a table.

"Just delete it" You sigh

"I already deleted it" He said, sitting on the sofa

"Why did you make me come here then?!" You stomped your feet "Asshole"

"Because I was attracted for some reason? I know, it sucks" He groaned "You're annoyingly beautiful, you know that?"

"Oh you think you were the only one attracted? I was attracted earlier too when you were on the stage, you're not that special" You laughed at him

"You were?" He asked, surprised "Wow, really?"

This caught you off guard "I mean, I wasn't!" you immediately blushed.

He stood up and walked closer to you "You like me" he smirked. You walked backwards.

Your heart was beating so fast, you didn't notice your back hit the wall. He slapped his hand on the wall, keeping you in place.

"You like me?" He asked, his face getting closer to yours "I knew it"

"No, I don't" You answer back, not averting your gaze as you both stare into each other.

There was silence for a few seconds .. until there wasn't. You grab his face and kissed him, his tongue quickly explored your mouth as his hands roam around your body.

"Shit.. we're not supposed to be doing this" You mutter in between kisses but you both couldn't stop, the kiss was very aggressive.

"Shut up and undress" He said, kissing your neck and ears while you take your pants off.

He removed his shirt and pants, giving you time to take your blouse off. After that, you both immediately went back to devouring each other's mouth. His hands carressed your breasts then he removed your bra.

You feel him rub on your thighs, his cock was hard. You reach to rub it above his boxers and whisper "This is the best you got?"

He stopped kissing your neck for a second and carried you bridal style.

"Xiao, what the fuck?" You ask him as he tossed you on the very soft sofa. Your breasts bounced as he crawls on top of you.

He removed your panties and he removed his boxers, he said "I will make you beg for this cock"

He licked your stomach up to your breasts, you stroke his soft hair, cleanching your teeth because you didn't want to let him hear your moans.

Your nipples became hard because he was licking them like a hungry new born. He was so sloppy, while his other finger rubbed your clit.

He so wanted you to moan for him but you tried your hardest not to give him the satisfaction by biting your lip.

"Fuck, you're so wet already" He smirked. You feel coldness on your breasts as he goes down on you, spreading your legs.

"X-Xiao.." You called out to him, feeling weak, everything was happening so fast, he's not giving you time to think, your mind was so blank from the pleasure he was giving you.

You feel something wet on your clit, his tongue was rubbing it up and down, finally making you moan "X-Xiao!" you moaned loudly, holding onto his hair as he sucks you out.

Your feet curled from feeling too good "Don't stop!" you moaned, feeling close.

But of course, he stopped to tease you "Not yet baby" he smirked, he started positioning his erecr cock on your entrance.

"Fuck Xiao, I was close" You tried catching your breath, you feel his tip on youe clit, making you excited "Put it in"

"Hmm" He tried holding back just so he could tease you "I think I want you to beg"

"Arghh!" You groaned, you feel his tip going inside you so you moaned but he pulled it out immediately "Fuck Xiao, put it in.. please!"

"What a brat" He said, you feel his tip go in again but he pulld out "Beg better?"

You cover your face "P-Please Xiao, put it inside me"

"Put what in?" He asked, enjoying teasing you

"Your cock" You just decided to beg properly. Finally, you felt all of it inside you, he wasn't even moving yet but still it felt so good "Holy shit, your — it's big" you breathe heavily.

He started thrusting, pinning your hand on the sofa "You're tight" he grunted, his cock went in and out of your hole, your breasts bounce as he pounds harder "I love seeing you under me" his hips doesn't stop moving, he was an animal.

Your legs wrap around his waist, giving him more access, all you could do was moan and enjoy as he fucks your brains out. He kisses your breasts and neck from time to time but what he truly loves is seeing your face, moaning his name everytime his cock hits the right spot, it turns him on even more.

"Xiao.." You moaned "Faster, please" you were weak, the reason why he was doing his best, he loves seeing you weak because of him, begging him.

"Shit.. you're so beautiful" He whispered, admitting to himself that he was attracted to you. He kissed your hand before pinning it again "You feel so good"

He never stops, in fact he went even faster, making you squeal, with your hands pinned and your legs wrapped around his waist, you couldn't do anything but tremble under him, feeling him whole.

"D-Don't stop! I'm cumming!" You shout, you were a mess, intoxicated.

He kissed your lips, passionately this time "Cum with me baby" he whispered, the feel of his breaths on your skin turns you on even more.

You moan louder, shivering, feeling your climax "I-I'm cumming" your eyes rolled at the back of your head as you let yourself cum, feeling weak than ever.

He then let go of your hand and then held onto your hips, pushing his cock deeper inside you "Fuck, I'm cumming too"

He let himself cum but he doesn't stop thrusting, he continues until all his cum is inside if you. He plopped beside you on the sofa, feeling super tired "Shit, how can I even go back to the concert?"

"Fuck, the concert! I completely forgot" You tell him as you stand up but he pulled you on the sofa again and kissed you.

"I have time" He said "Just one more round"

##

You come out of the room after Xiao and went to the concert. You came three times earlier, you couldn't Xiao was such an animal. You feel extremely weak. He saud just more round but you had another round after that!

"Where have you been? You missed like a lot of songs" Hu Tao said, still cheering and chanting

"Xiao did too, he just apologized earlier because there was an emergency..." Zhongli was thinking, you became nervous you would be found out.

"I told you, he sucks" You chuckle but think to yourself that he really does suck .. he sucks good. You blush thinking about that.

##

After the concert, you tell Zhongli and Hu Tao to go back without you.

As expected, Xiao came to see you, he whispered "I guess we're dating now" he held your hand.

"Xiao, what if somebody sees? The hell" You tried to let go but he didn't

He went closer to you and kissed your neck making you moan a little "Let's go"

Dating Xiao is dangerous, you'd be tired all the time, his stamina is insane, you fear you wouldn't keep up but luckily, being competitive with him is where you shine.

End

#genshin impact #genshin x reader #genshin #genshin smut #genshin impact x reader #genshin impact smut #genshin kaedahara kazuha #kazuha x reader #genshin kazuha #kazuha smut #kaedehara kazuha #kazuha #venti #venti x you #venti smut #venti x reader #xiao smut #xiao fluff #xiao #xiao x reader #smut #genshinimpact #4nemo x reader #4nemo #headcanons

[fanfic-for-multifandoms]

Our Plans May Change But Our Hearts Remain {Nick Folio x reader}

First Bad Omens fic!

Warnings: Angst that turns a into a bit of fluff at the end. 

Nick folio x Female reader

It had been years since Nick had seen the only girl he'd ever truly loved.

He had no idea what she would think when she saw him. After all, he had left her with no explanation, he left without ever saying goodbye. They were seventeen when he joined Bad Omens. They had plans. She knew he loved music but never thought he'd up and leave her without a word, but neither of them ever forgot about the other. They never forgot the love they had for each other. Even their parents knew they'd eventually find each other again.

No matter how much he thought of her, he could never bring himself to send her a message. The guilt of just up and leaving her was too much, but he knew he couldn't tell her he was leaving because one "stay" from her mouth, and he knew he would never be able to get on that flight. He hated leaving her like that, but he didn't even know how to say goodbye. How do you tell the love of your life that you are leaving and won't see them for a long time? He knew she listened to his band. She still followed him on every social media account. But he could never bring himself to message her.

He still remembered every little thing about her—the things she loved, the way she talked, all the little things she was so passionate about—he remembered the nights they would stay up late and talk about music and how they wanted to travel the world together. No matter how many people he met or how many girls he found, none of them could compare to her, and she felt the same even now when they are both musicians only in two different places in their careers—her band just starting to take off and his none stop touring.

She still loved him even all this time later. She never got the closer she wanted, the closer she needed. All she knew was that he had taken off. She loved her job, but doing it reminded her of all the promises Nick had made her when they were seventeen: how they were going to be famous and travel the world, or how he was going to marry her and they would be together forever. She always wanted to message him just to see if he would respond, but knowing his busy schedule, he probably wouldn't even have a chance to look at it, but it was worth a shot. She didn't know if he was in his hometown or even if he would want to go, but her band was playing their first sold-out show, and she wanted him there.

 She knew it was a long shot, but she sent the message anyway: "Hey, idk if you are in town or not, but my band is playing our first sold-out show, and they told me I could invite however many people I wanted, and I thought it would be nice to have my childhood best friend there. If you can't make it, that's understandable, but it would be nice if you were there." After she sent him that message, she put her phone down and left it in a different room. She was so nervous about his response that she couldn't even look at her phone.

A few hours later, she picked up her phone to call her best friend and saw a message back from Nick, and her heart stopped. She took a moment to read it. "Hey, I would love to be there; my only question is if I'm allowed to bring some people with me." She was so relieved to see he actually even saw her message. She hadn't talked to him in 5 years and thought he wouldn't want to talk to her at all, but here she is having a conversation with him, even if it's small.

After talking back and forth about the show and her band, she decided to go to bed. The show was in a couple of days, so she decided to take the next few days leading up to chill and go into town. She was hanging out in her house and about to leave when she got a message from Nick asking if they could meet up before the show if she was in town. After talking for a bit, they decided to meet up at a restaurant not far from where she was staying. To say she was nervous was an understatement, but she powered through her drive there.

As she pulled into the parking lot, she saw Nick standing outside. He really hadn't changed that much. She still saw the boy she fell in love with years ago. His hair was different, but aside from that, he was still the same. He greeted her with a hug. Something she wasn't really expecting but was more than happy to receive. They went inside and took a seat in one of the booths. They were facing each other; it reminded her of the dates they used to go on as teenagers. He would always sit across from her and hold her hand under the table. It made her a bit sad. She didn't know much about him anymore. She didn't know if he had a girlfriend or what his favorite color was. It used to be blue, but she doubted it was still that. 

After the waitress came over and got their drink order, they started talking. "So, how's life?" Nick asked her, "Pretty good? Me and my band have worked hard to get to this point, and I'm pretty glad our first sold-out show could be in our hometown. How about you?" She looked him in the eyes for the first time. She always loved his eyes, and one look from him made her knees weak. "It's been good. I never thought we would get to this point; we just headlined our first tour. I never knew you wanted to be a metal vocalist. I always knew you would play guitar but never thought you'd be a lead vocalist." "I never planned on it, but sometimes plans change. Our first vocalist quit, and I had been doing the backup vocals, and the rest of the band thought it would be good if I just started doing lead. I never thought I could do it, but here we are. I didn't know you listened to my band.”

"Of course I do; why wouldn't I?" He questions, "I don't know. Anyway, you've got a girlfriend or something?" She asks, hoping the answer is no. No, I tried that but couldn't bring myself to stop loving you." He looks down as he speaks as if ashamed. "Then why did you leave if you loved so much?" she murmured, now finally feeling the anger over what he had done. "Because I knew if I came to you, I wouldn't be able to leave," he explained. "Is that supposed to make me feel better? I spent years thinking you hated me when you first left. I couldn't get out of bed for a week. I couldn't understand what I did wrong. I wouldn't have asked you to stay. I know that music is your passion. Why would I have stopped you from that?"

He looked away from her as she ranted, not wanting to look her in the eyes until she said one thing that made his heart stop: "I still love you." He looked at her, finally meeting her eyes. "I never stopped. I couldn't even bring myself to hate you after you left." She started tearing up. Her voice was begining to break. She looked down as Nick began to speak. "I never stopped loving you either. Every day I regret leaving you. I don't even know why I thought it was better to leave without seeing you than to tell you what had happened. She cut him off to say, "I had to find out from your mom." She speaks quietly, "I know, and I'm so fucking sorry. I hate that I did that." "Then why didn't you reach out?" She says, "I was ashamed. I lost the love of my life by my own doing." She doesn't speak much more after that. They finish their lunch, and as they are leaving, he walks with her to her car and says, "I want you to know I truly do regret my decision every fucking day."

"I miss my best friend." She speaks, looking at the ground, not wanting to face him: "I miss you too; I don’t want to keep living without you." He is hesitant, but he reaches out without one hand and lifts her face to look at him. She looks him in the eyes and starts to tear up again. "I don't want to keep living without you." He wiped away the tears that were now falling down her face, trying not to tear up himself."I don't either," she whispered. They stand for a moment, just looking into each other's eyes.

She reaches out and intertwines their hands before leaning in and kissing him. Realizing she still feels the same way about him as she did five years ago, she pulls back. "I'm sorry," she says, looking down at the ground again. "Don't be. If you hadn't done that, I was going to." He steps closer to her leaving her back pressed against her car and leans in to kisses her as she wraps her arms around his neck. He kisses her as if he is making up for all the years he's been away from her, finally pulling back to catch their breath. "Where are you staying?" he asks her.

A/N

Part 2?? I quite enjoyed writing this so if yall want a part 2 lmk

As always feedback is welcomed so if there is anything I can work on lmk

#bad omens #bad omens fic #nick folio #nick folio fic #bad omens fanfiction #bandom fic

[shadale-s-safe-space]

What was Z and AleX's first kiss like? Was it really awkward or more romantic?

(Ps. I love your artstyle! It brings me so much joy to look at it :] )

First of all THANK YOU A LOT, I LOVE YOU PEOPLE SO FUCKING MUCH, at this point you guys are my enablers for this stuff.

Idk on what kind of drugs I am but every page that I've drawn looks fucking hilarious to me. I just can't stop laughing over it, especially the one where Z holds a flower up. I've been legit laughing to tears every time I look at it idk why. Also sorry for fucking up the kiss I tried I guess.

Okay so Z has a history of bad relationships in his past, when he asked AleX if they could hang later he meant in a friendly way more than anything. In reality he wasn't that interested in her. But while they were talking AleX had been sending him mixed messages, she seemed annoyed, not interested in what he was talking about. He kinda felt like he was bothering her more than anything. Kinda feeling like his friendship request is being rejected, just as he was about to say " Sorry for bothering you, I'll leave" she turns to him and asks if they could see each other tomorrow. Surprised by her request, he says yes anyway, maybe she just wasn't feeling like hanging out today.

Tomorrow comes, and he actually shows up and sees a completely different person in front of him. She was jumping, happy, maybe even overjoyed, she was all over him. Confused by this, he wasn't sure what he was getting himself into.

He finally realizes he wasn't asked to come hang around he was asked on a date. He swears she didn't blink once while looking at him.

Eh whatever, he'd been trough worse and a lot of one-offs before, since he wasn't even that interested he decided to just be himself and at least have a fun time. If the date is what she wants, a date she will get.

And in fact, they did have fun, maybe more than he was expecting, even thought he managed to do one or two stupid things.

Oh. Whoopsies, sorry.

You don't have to say sorry every time.

It was kinda weird that Z was apologizing for very small things, it was new to her, No one ever apologized for doing worse. But it felt nice, Z appreciated her forgiveness a lot, and actually felt comfortable being himself for once.

Everything was great untill....

He doesn't know why, but he just had an urge to pick one.

Not understanding why he even picked a flower in the first place, he gives it to AleX, eh whatever girls like flowers.

Bro I can't this image is funny af I can't breathe fuck literally cryin rn.

Okay... he wasn't expecting that reaction.

She can't be serious about this, I mean, he's known her for like a day or two.

But he did have a good time with her, didn't regret a moment they've spent together. Maybe he does like her after all.

She fell in love the moment she saw him, he fell in love with her on their first date.

THEN ROBO GOD DROPPED FROM THE SKY WITH A SICK ASS LOOKING GUITAR AND HIS BAND OF ROBO ANGELS AND THEY PLAYED STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN WHILE ROBO JESUS EVEN FLOWED ON A SKATEBOARD AROUND THEM.

I DECLARE IT AS CANON

Lol sorry the images look ugly af I legit can't. What have I done. I'm in tears omfg.

#murder drones #murder drones oc

[rapunzelforlorn]

A heartstopper AU where Nick Nelson is an out and proud captain of the rugby team and a bisexual icon while shy art nerd Charlie has only ever liked girls before.

(Idk how to tag fics but this is PG-13.

Straight!Charlie)

It was the first day of class and Truham School for boys has announced new form groups. Charlie stared at the room number scratched onto the back of his hand for what felt like the millionth time today. He made it to the classroom door and took a breath. He knew none of his friends were going to be inside, they had already compared schedules. Elle was at Higgs now anyway. Charlie entered the classroom and said hello to the teacher.

"Charlie Spring!" Said Mr. Lange.

"Happy new year! Let's see, where did I put you on the seating plan... ah, yes, you're over there next to Nick Nelson, he's in year eleven only a year older than you."

Charlie nodded and headed to the back corner Mr. Lange had pointed to. Nick was already seated and was busy looking out the windown as Charlie approached. He looked at the seated boy; tall, broad shoulders, athletic type, with strawberry blonde hair that fell over the top of his head as he ran his hand through it. His attention was drawn back to the classroom as Charlie pulled out the chair, and set down his bag.

"Hi"

"Hi."

Charlie didn't know very much about Nick at all other than he was the captian of the rugby team and that he came out as bisexual last term. He remembered a random year 8 walk up to him, Tao, Elle and Issac during lunch

"Did you hear? Nick Nelson is gay! What a lo-"

Elle rolled her eyes. "I heard he was bi, actually"

The kid ran off before he heard her.

The weeks passed and Charlie found himself looking forward to form every day. He and Nick had been getting along really well and Charlie just felt so comfortable around Nick even though he couldn't figure out why. One day, Nick's pen exploded ink all over himself and Mr. Lange assigned Charlie to go with him to the washroom. It was an unlikely paring but Nick had somehow become Charlie's friend.

Charlie was going to lunch when his phone buzzed. He looked down at a message from Beth. Beth was a very popular year 11 whom he had met a year ago in the hall outside the band room. Since then, Beth would text Charlie and ask to see him regularly. Charlie still wasn't sure why she wanted to see him sometimes, especially when she didn't ever seem to want to hang out with him or even talk to him in the halls, but she was beautiful so Charlie would always find the empty room and there she would be. As soon as he closed the door behind him Beth was right there hands on his face, pressing him with kisses. Charlie pulled back, hesitant.

"Hello to you too."

Beth rolled her eyes. "Hey. I missed you." In between kisses.

Charlie pulled back again, farther this time.

"What do you want Beth?"

"What? Can't a girl miss her best boy?"

"I'm not your best boy, Beth. I'm not your anything. You won't even look at me in the halls and I'm tired of only ever seeing you in empty rooms while you snog the soccer player of the week at the front gate."

"Oooh someone's mad today." Beth said with a fake pout and another eye roll.

"I don't see why you're upset, you get to kiss me too, after all. Besides none of them kiss like you Charlie Spring."

Charlie held back the rage.

"Well I'm tired of being your guy on the side. Last year you told me how much you liked me but you didn't want your parents to know you had a boyfriend. It seems you're not afraid after all, you just don't want to be seen with me."

"Charlie its not my fault my friends think you're odd. It's not so much you, but your friends are all reaaaally weird. And you're in the band so like, you're a little odd."

She scoffs at the end of the sentance but then exclaims "heyyy!" When Charlie pushes her off him and opens the door. With the door open Beth jumps back and before she can protest Charlie says

"Don't text me anymore Beth. This thing between you and me? It's over." He leaves.

Nick walked down the hall searching for Charlie, he was sure his locker was down this hallway. Nick stood a head above everyone else so it didn't take him long to spot Charlie's dark curly hair half way down the row or spot a slender arm reach up and pull drum sticks out from inside.

Charlie plays drums? That's really cool, Nick thinks as he takes a deep breath before getting closer. He and Charlie had gotten considerably closer this term and Nick was trying to assure himself that the sensation that came over him anytime he was near Charlie was strictly platonic- just the excitement of making a new friend. Last year when he told the boys on his team that he was bisexual, a few of them had reacted poorly at first, and the teasing grew beyond typical banter. It wasn't long though before Nick's friends and the coach rallied and put a stop to the bullying, from students on and off the rugby team. Since then, he'd been navigating being out with the support of his friends and mother. His father wasn't around at all and his brother David was a dick about it still, but David was a dick about everything all of the time so it didn't bother Nick all too often.

"Allright?" Nick asked as he arrived at Charlie's locker.

Charlie looked up at Nick and smiled. Nick couldn't help but smile wide back and he scolded himself internally as he needed to stop this crush on Charlie Spring. The devishly handsome musician with long curls and the brightest eyes Nick had ever seen. Charlie is -straight- Nick hissed to himself. He's one of those artsy boys that girls love because he's quiet. They think it's mysterious.

"Alright." Said Charlie.

"You play the drums?" Said Nick. "That's cool. So listen uh- me and my mates were talking and. Do you uhm. Do you wanna try outfortherugbyteam" it all came out at once.

"Do I what?" Said Charlie, processing Nick's one syllable question.

"Try out for the rugby team? We have enough players for the team but we cant compete without a reserve."

Charlie smirked and raised his eyebrows.

"A whole school full of boys and I'm the best reserve, Truham has to offer? I dont think I'm the right type" he said with a flourish of his drum sticks.

"Aw come on, we're not your typical team!" Gesturing back to himself. "Loads of different types can play rugby! And I've seen you in PE. You can run really fast!"

"I'll think about it." Charlie said.

"Just come to practice."

As he walked away Charlie watched him go before blinking and realizing he'd kinda been staring. Nick had such a beauty to him that was still unmistakably boyish. Charlie blinked again. Beauty?

~~~~~

I really wasn't planning on writing all of that the post started with the promt and then I kinda immediately wanted to write it??

I haven't written anything in like 7 years and I haven't ever in my life posted something like this so please be nice 🥲 if this gets even 1 note I'll definitely write part 2 cause it was fun but I let my dinner get cold so I thought that would be an okay place to stop/pause. I hope yall like it and hopefully I tagged it all properly.

#heartstopper #heartstopper au #charlie spring #nick nelson #straight!charlie spring #au #fan fiction #writing

[weirdcat1213]

Conventional weapons and queer acceptance

I'm going through it rn so here's a really long post on a queer interpretation of Conventional Weapons.

Notes:

-Yes, I will talk about every song. No song is safe from me.

-No, I don't think it is the only/correct interpretation but its one that I've been thinking about for ages so leave me alone :D

-I know these songs were recorded separately and they don't have a linear story (like revenge or tbp) but for the sake of angst, I will treat the whole album as a queer journey where the speaker is the main character, also I will use they/them for them because the album itself talks a lot about gender.

-"Some of these are more about the system and protests rather than queerness" guess what? those go hand in hand even though it's 2023, life sucks.

-I will use "queer" instead of LGBTQ+. That debate does not belong here but I'm just giving a heads up.

TW: homophobia, transphobia, conversion therapy, unhealthy coping mechanisms (?), aids crisis, society just being shitty in general

Let's start :3

Album context: CW is not a concept album (sadly). The band had ideas for these songs since their TBP tour and didn't think it was fit for Danger Days so they only released them because Frank thought they were cool (bless his soul he was so right). Therefore, these songs' messages/perspectives/feelings may vary.

Boy Division:

*The first two songs have a handgun on the cover. This weapon is a small and distant weapon, portraying the distance the speaker wants to have with queerness since they're still in the closet*

From a queer perspective, this song is about the speaker's closeted life as a queer person. The song asks people close to him how would they react if they were to find out about they are queer. The speaker already knows the answer, people would be disgusted and reject them entirely, making the speaker mad. It can be assumed the speaker is at their last straw here and leave their home behind to live their truth.

"If all my enemies

Threw a party, would you light the candles?

Would you drink the wine while watchin' television?

Watch the animals and all the tragedies

And sell your arteries to buy my casket gown"

Enemies in this context are homophobic/transphobic people. If the speaker admitted to being queer, would their loved ones pretend the speaker is "dead"? Would they side with the homophobic/transphobic people?

"Well, it better be black and it better be tight

And it better be just my size

I'm stalkin' these metro malls and airport halls

And all these schoolgirls"

This may be a reference to the kind of stereotypes the speaker's loved ones believe about queer people. About how they stalk people in public and "try to convert minors"

"I'm not askin', you're not tellin'

He's not dead, he only looks that way"

The speaker not asking anymore if the people they know support queer people/if they would support them. The part about "him" not being dead could be how their relatives see the situation from the outside. The speaker is apathetic because of their situation but no one knows.

"Out nowhere, take me out there

Far away and save me from my

Self-destruction, hopeless for you

Sing a song for California"

They're in the middle of nowhere, and they wish to be in a more accepted place, putting California as an example (is this true? idk I don't live there)

"I bought my enemies

Rope to hang me and the knives to gang me

You can watch them stab me on your television

Stomp the halls, because the bathroom walls

Would have a lot to say

About the lines you're puttin' down"

This is the speaker's way to say he is one of the queers their loved ones hate so much. The speaker "bought" the rope by admitting their queerness and they might as well be the ones on the TV getting ganged up on because of their identity. When they mention the bathroom it could be a reference to how there are worst things happening that transphobic gatekeeping bathrooms, such as people doing drugs.

"Well, it better be white and better be cut

And better be just my size

Until my capillaries burst of boredom

I'll be waitin"

Instead of funeral attire, now they want to use wedding attire because they feel alive by coming out, hence the white. If we assume they were rejected by their loved ones, the speaker will wait for them to come around until they get bored. The speaker's capillaries are a symbol of their patience.

"I'm not laughin', you're not jokin'

I'm not dead, I only dress that way"

The speaker dresses as if they're dead not only because they could be at any time due to harassment but also because they feel dead being in a place they can't be themselves. It could also be a reference to gender expression and the speaker experimenting for the first time.

"'Cause we got the bomb, we got the bomb, let's go!

We got the bomb, we got the bomb, let's go!"

This could mean queer people (we) are fighting back society (the bomb) and the speaker feels inspired.

"Say a prayer for California"

A prayer for California so it can stay as a place the speaker can run to and be free.

Tomorrows Money:

This one is about the speaker's views about capitalism and taking a stand as an activist against corporations and rainbow capitalism. The speaker knows queer people aren't welcome and yet they're still used for profit, however, we could say the song's pov is from the speaker and the corporations. The song also makes an argument about how capitalism actively makes queer people's lives even more difficult.

"You fell in love with a vampire

Do you wanna get it for free

In this song, vampires are associated with queer people and their experiences (just like many movies about vampires and other monsters have done in history). Getting one for free would be to get to live the experience of a queer person instead of seeing it externally (in a movie, show, book, etc)

"Then say hello to the brush fire, baby

You gotta take it from me, I’m gonna take it from you

Say hello to the good times

And burning up in the sun"

According to corporations, the speaker can live out as a queer person, but they will have to face conflict against capitalism, a model that is mostly known for taking things away from people.

They’re sitting back on an empire

While the world lays back, puts a kid behind that gun

This is the speaker's view about capitalism and the world. Corporations and their owners are living comfortably while they leave the most vulnerable minorities to deal with the dirty work.

"If we crash this time

They got machines to keep us alive

When the mixtape plays

Choke down the words with no meaning"

This refers to how queer people can't seem to escape capitalism. If they get hurt while protesting or get sick, they will still need to get (most of the time in most places at least) private health insurance to get good medical attention. When talking about the mixtape, it can also be referring to the multiple products corporations do for queer people (see the "pride merch" on june). But when you analyze the final products, it is clear that it lacks meaning and it was only made for profit.

"I stopped bleeding three years ago

While you keep screaming for revolution

Me and my surgeons and my street-walking friends

We got no heroes, 'cause our heroes are dead"

Here the speaker is personally calling out corporations for their meaningless support. While they and other people have been protesting and taking care of themselves within their community, corporations keep shouting out their outdated "love is love" slogan and keep repeating their empty promises about equality. The speaker, the "surgeons" (people who focus and live to take care of the queer community as volunteers/nonprofit organizations), and more activists keep protesting for a better future but also for the people who came before them and died for the cause (for example multiple people during the aids crisis)

"Say hello to the program

We’re gonna give it for free

Hook up the veins to the antibodies

Got it with the disease, we’re gonna give it to you"

This verse could be considered queer representation in media and how it helps queer people even if it ends up being queerbating. Corporations give queer people the content and even if there are no official queer people in it, subtext and further readings into the media help people to see themselves in the story and/or characters, they work as antibodies against society.

"Say goodbye to the good times

You’re loaded up with the fame

You’re dressing up like a virus

But the words get lost when we all look the same"

The most popular and famous logo (and stand) corporations take in pride month is the rainbow. They don't specify anything and just keep it open to appeal to most people as possible. Although queer people have taken the rainbow as a general symbol for everyone when corporations use it is because there is no interest in other people who aren't the "classic" cisgender white gay male, there's no meaning on their rainbow. All the rainbow logos in June end up looking like a virus taking over for a month rather than support.

"You fell in love with a vampire, torch up for the empire

Say hello to the brush fire, the microphone's got a tap wire

You fell in love with a vampire, torch up for the empire

Say hello to the brush fire, the microphone's got a tap wire!"

In this verse, the speaker is possibly talking to a multitude. They make a reference to the vampire analogy but also says that if they want to live free queer people need to get rid of the corporations. No matter how many problems they face they have to be careful since they're still under capitalism and being watched.

"Because rebellion's not a T-shirt you sell

You keep your money, and I’ll see you in hell"

Many queer people have that reaction when companies don't support queer people's rights but sell queer products on pride month. The speaker rejects rainbow capitalism and will see the company in hell since, according to religious fanatics, that's where queer people are going.

*I find this topic (capitalism vs the queers) really interesting but I honestly don't know much about it but this is a cool video I recommend: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xQVFYWvd3o&t=1449s)

Ambulance:

*The second disc has a picture of a small knife, a weapon of short range that requires the user to get really closer to the opponent. This represents the speaker's change from their involvement with the queer community; they went from keeping their distance to putting themselves out there as an activist*

Ambulance, under a queer context, is about the queer community and the love the speaker has for them since they have helped after they cut ties with their family in "Boy Division."

You don’t know a thing about this life, and we are up for

Everything it takes to prove we’re not the same as them

The speaker could be talking to someone new when it comes to activism. They want to motivate the new recruit but also be honest about what is like to constantly be on the line. The queer community will never be like the people who can easily thrive in a heteronormative society because the queer community looks out for every minority (let's ignore dumb organizations like lgb for this, they suck)

"And we will wear our masks again, out after dark

'Cause we are up for everything it takes

and we are not the same

'Cause we are not afraid

And we are not ashamed"

This part is about how they protect themselves while defending themselves and how they are not ashamed of fighting for what's right publicly.

"And if you save my life, I’ll be the one who drives

You home tonight

And if I ever let you down, I’ll be the one who drives

You home tonight"

One of the things that the speaker appreciates most about the queer community is how they take care of each other. If one of them gets hurt, they will help each other. No matter what happens everyone looks out for everyone.

"Remember once, you walked this kind of life quietly, I’ll sleep

Behind the wheel, and passing every face you see the first time

Singing every piece as you walk by proving that with

All of my mistakes, that we are not the same"

The speaker is comparing themselves to other people in their group who have been in their position but also have had a completely different experience. Other people may have cope in healthier ways than the speaker, which makes them feel kind of guilty.

"'Cause we are not the same

And we are all to blame"

When it comes to protesting or activism is it always is the activists' fault if something bad happens. According to conservatives if anything goes south (police brutality, hate crimes, etc) is the queer people's fault for not being closeted, for "indoctrinating people".

"'Cause you don’t know a thing about me

, you don’t know a thing"

This is from the speaker to the people who have helped them in their life. They don't know who they were before but the community still took them in as family.

Gun:

Honestly, there's not much that this brilliant thread hasn't already said. La (the twitter user) suggests that "the song's main theme is obviously a young person entering the military, which is known for having a strict structure and very precise rules to follow and roles to fill. in this case, I believe the military could represent the cis, heteronormative society"

See the rest of the thread here :D

https://twitter.com/zhongmcr/status/1560384799101124614?t=emxookpnkny0c5iYV4fmdw&s=19

Please read it and send @/zhongmcr some love for it.

The World is Ugly:

*The machine guns reflect more intensity as an attack. The speaker is going deeper in being vocal about the queer community on this disc.*

The world is ugly is, of course, a romantic song. When analyzing it through queer lenses, however, it can be about the speaker getting strong feelings for someone but still being afraid of confessing their feelings, even if the other person is also queer, because are traumatized by past experiences while in the closet.

"These are the eyes and the lies of the taken These are their hearts But their hearts don't beat like ours They burn 'cause they are all afraid"

The speaker usually gets that feeling of "them against the world", but it is different with the person they are interested in. The speaker feels they have a connection and they are together while being against the world.

"For every one of us There's an army of them But you'll never fight alone 'Cause I wanted you to know"

Conservative people are "afraid" of queer people and it has made their lives difficult but when they're together it doesn't matter.

"That the world is ugly But you’re beautiful to me Well are you thinking of me now?"

The heteronormative society is a pain for the speaker and the love interest but the speaker wants to make clear that their love interest is beautiful no matter what society says.

"These are the nights And the lights that we fade in These are the words But the words aren't coming out

They burn 'cause they are hard to say"

This part is more personal for the speaker. They reminisce on all the nights they have spent with their love interest and how on those they have tried to tell how they feel, but the speaker cannot say it out loud.

"For every failing sun, there's a morning after Though, I'm empty when you go I just wanted you to know"

The speaker comforts themselves with the fact that they can try the next day, but at the same time, they keep living with the pain of their love interest not knowing.

"That the world is ugly But you're beautiful to me Are you thinking of me Like I'm thinking of you?"

The speaker wonders if their love interest thinks about them the same way or if they have another kind of relationship.

"I would say I'm sorry, though Though, I really need to go I just wanted you to know

I wanted you to know I wanted you to know I'm thinking of you Every night, every day"

In this verse, the speaker implies they usually focus on activism and things that will help their community rather than their own feelings. They have to go and keep helping others but still wants to let their feelings come across.

"These are the lies And the lives of the taken These are their hearts But their hearts don't beat like ours They burn 'cause they are all afraid But mine beats twice as hard"

Because the speaker is really focused on others but also wants to be with their love interest, they are passionate about 2 things.

"Stop your crying, helpless feeling Dry your eyes and start believing There's one thing They’ll never take from you"

The speaker goes back to their "mentor mode" and inspires their love interest to believe in a better future. However, they also reference how the world can never take their love interest's beauty away.

"One day, like this We'll never be the same Never, forever Like ghosts in the snow Like ghosts in the sun"

This is the speaker dreaming of what their life could be only with their love interest. They would just be people exploring the world.

The Light Behind Your Eyes:

This song is about a guide saying goodbye to people or a person whom they have helped in the past. Under a queer interpretation, it could be from the point of view of an elder queer passing away who was really important to the speaker.

"So long to all my friends Every one of them met tragic ends With every passing day I'd be lying if I didn't say That I miss them all tonight"

The elder queer is possibly passing away and is thinking about the friends they got to make within the community. By saying their friends met tragic ends it could refer to the aids crisis or hate crimes.

"And if they only knew what I would say If I could be with you tonight I would sing you to sleep Never let them take the light behind your eyes"

Just like the elder queer, their friends used to help people in the community, and they would approve the last reassuring words of the elder. The elder wishes they would be alive and well to see a better future but for now, they can only hope people stop harming queer people.

"As we fade in the dark Just remember you will always burn as bright"

The older queer people may have passed away but they want the younger generations to have a good life.

"Be strong and hold my hand Time, it comes for us, you'll understand We'll say goodbye today And I'm sorry how it ends this way If you promise not to cry Then I'll tell you just what I would say"

This shows the elder was really appreciated in the community since they have people with them in their final moments. They wish they would not be leaving that way (probable aids) but they still think younger generations need to learn about the problem and be strong enough to face it.

"I'll fail and lose this fight"

The elder already knows their own fate.

"Sometimes we must grow stronger And you can't be stronger when I'm gone When I'm here, no longer You must be stronger and"

The elder knows it will be hard for future generations who still feel like they need guidance to survive, but they hope the people they leave behind get stronger.

"I failed and lost this fight"

The elder queer couldn't avoid their future, as if from the beginning, it was meant to happen.

When the outro keeps repeating it could reflect how those are actually the last words (or at least sentiment) of the elder, and it will stay present in the community for a long time.

Kiss the Ring:

*This disc has two axes on the cover. Additionally, from here on out there are 2 weapons on the covers, which means the speaker is not alone anymore, but with someone who shares their "them against the world" feeling.*

Kiss the Ring is another song about the speaker's feelings against the system. However, this one and the next song in the disc have more rage on them. The speaker starts to lash out at authority and politicians who keep failing queer people.

"We kill the girls to get paid And put the whole damn room on the edge of the blade You'll get far, stay clean"

The speaker is mocking society's standards for people. They set dangerous beauty stereotypes only to get women to buy their products, reject measures that could help queer people (hormone treatment, counseling, etc) even if they know people could die because of the lack of it, and attribute failure to substances such as alcohol and drugs. Some queer people will turn to those substances because of the lack of support because society keeps making it hard to live, but big institutions don't care.

"And if the world stops believing, I'll keep believing

That the world could make a change (All I know is I won't stop believing) And put the suicide dolls as the last ones to mate (All I know is I won't stop believing)"

Although the speaker still has faith in a better future, they are angry about society putting queer people in a complicated position. Queer people create their own communities because they are pushed by the people who refuse to let them live. They insult and make everything more complicated up to the point of giving queer people trauma and mental health issues. The queer people affected by this are the only ones left to help themselves and others. Queer people are left at the back where they find each other.

"Come hard, stay clean (You're the next if you don't stop your creeping) And singing songs for the damned now (You're the next if you)"

The line on the back "You're the next if you don't stop your creeping" could be the authority's opinion about queer people: you will get in trouble if you are out/"explicit". Additionally, the songs for the damned could be a metaphor for people who think praying/conversion therapy will work as a "cure" for queerness.

"Hail! Hail! 'Cause the king is gone And if you don't stop believing, we'll keep believing"

This part could mean how conservatives celebrate when something bad happens to a politician or anyone famous who is in favor of queer rights. They tend to believe that there is a leader (like the people who believe there is an ANTIFA leader), but queer people will keep protesting and believing in a better life for everyone.

"You put the record on And live the life that you're making, shots that you're taking"

"So grab the cash and run And let the suits watch each other kill one another"

This is the speaker starts to get reckless. For them, it has become a matter of taking back at society. They want to live their life the best as they can, so they let themselves enjoy music, drink, and commit crimes since they will end up in trouble anyway for being queer. They steal money because they need it but also to get a sense of power over their life. The "suits" in this case would be politicians, the ones who say they want to help queer people against the ones who want them dead. Even if someone is fighting the good fight the speaker doesn't care for them anymore.

It doesn't matter if the words don't mean a thing You gotta kiss that ring"

The words could be the empty promises some politicians do to queer people. Many of them beg them to vote to protect their rights only to back off when it really matters. Kissing the ring means the absurdity of respecting people, authority figures, and institutions (the government) who don't want to be held accountable for queer people's rights.

"Move like the wolves, keep the faith There ain't a dry eye left in the back of the place Is it hard to stay clean?"

The speaker warns their community about the government since politicians don't have empathy for them (dry eyes)

"And if you all keep believing, I'll keep believing That the world drives the saints (All I know is I won't stop believing) And put the shotgun shells in the hills it makes (All I know is I won't stop believing)"

In this verse, the speaker mocks how authority loves to praise "pacific protests" but will still kill them. Most of the time when queer people organize a pacific gathering, they are met with violent repression.

"So come hard, stay clean (You're the next if you don't stop your creeping) Because they don't give a damn, now (You're the next if you)"

The speaker believes after so many failures that no politician cares for queer people.

"You got your leather on And live the life that you're making, shots that you're taking"

This could be referring to what kind of clothing queer people "tend" to wear. The idea is to just wear whatever you want and live your life.

"Hail, hail 'cause the king is gone Hail, hail 'cause the king is gone Hail, hail 'cause the king is gone Hail, hail 'cause the king is, the king is gone

Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail!"

Queer people celebrate a supposed leader that never existed because it is not about leaders, but the community.

"Fist up, head down Hail, hail to the king"

In this verse since the king is not "gone" it could mean the community is celebrating itself. They will keep fighting even if there's the risk of something bad happening, which is why they put their head down as a sign of being prepared for the worst.

Make Room:

Make Room is mainly the speaker setting the people who do not accept queer people or pretend to be allies as zombies. Queer people are most of the time used for gossip, instead of being treated as real people. The people who only care about gossip and getting to know who came out just to be disrespectful about it are people who do not have reasoning skills, making them zombies.

"Make room! Make room! Down on the coffin,​ there's a coffin or two Dead chic, so cool The cannibals are starving when they're looking at you"

This verse is about how dead queer people are seen just as numbers. The cisgender straight people's main concern most of the time is the funeral (what will people say, how to present the dead queer person etc), reflected on the line about the coffins. The dead girl represents dead queer people who attracted attention, making the zombies (society) wild to get the news and learn about everything that went wrong. They just want the gossip.

"Tank tops, jet stream Karate lessons with a killing machine White lines, nose bleeds I know you get excited when the cameras go Ra-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta"

The speaker refers here to the kind of people who talk and treat queer people as means for gossip. They can be relaxed in their summer clothes with their private jets and do questionable things (drugs as mentioned with "white lines"), people with privilege. They get excited when a famous person reveals themselves to be queer and are able to get every single detail, however, they don't know (or don't care) that the spotlight can be stressful and harmful for famous queer people who come out. This is reflected by the "ratatata" the cameras make.

"Me and you, and all of this living dead Burning up in the sun, where the bodies add Sitting here with you, in misery Anybody gonna come and rescue me? La la la"

Here the speaker is talking with another queer person about how stressful people can be. They have to endure their questions and actions but even if they are miserable, they are together. The speaker's petition for someone to rescue them is mocking how some people "became" queer because the community pressured them into being queer.

"Make room! Make room! One day, you're gonna have explaining to do

Drag star, so cool There's only room for one man and the one is you, you, you"

This verse is just multiple wrong arguments that people make about queer people. A popular argument that homophobic/transphobic people use against queer people is how are they "going to explain" their identity or sexuality to others such as kids, elders, etc. Those kinds of people also have problems with drag artists. They may say they are letting drag artists live their lives, but they pressure them and their gender expression, reminding drag artists they are men and have to act like it. This argument is not only wrong because not all drag queens identify as men, but also does not consider drag kings.

"Got a taste for the cash and androgyny Anybody wanna come and rescue me?"

Androgyny is considered the combination of man and woman. This combination seems fashionable for multiple people and companies have decided to adopt it for profit. If it looks pretty it will sell. Multiple companies will present an androgynous person/model and show it off as their "queer representation".

"Well alright, well alright She's alright Everybody in the room is alright"

This could be a reference to the dead girl first mentioned in the song. Most people just want to pretend nothing bad is happening and that queer people are okay if comparing these times to years ago.

"Everybody wants to change the world Everybody wants to change the world But no one, no one wants to die!"

"We are never gonna change the world We are never gonna change the world 'Cause we are never gonna die!"

I see this as what the speaker thinks about activism after being vocal about queer issues during the whole album. They know protesting and being an activist is important for the queer community, and if they want society to change there will be sacrifices that no one wants to do. However, they also want to be happy and have a life of their own with the person they like. Maybe the change will be delayed and they will keep fighting for it, but not to the point of putting their happiness on the line anymore.

Surrender the Night:

*These last two songs have grenades on the cover because these ones are the tipping point for the speaker. They are done hiding their emotions and will explode at any second. It's a more aggressive weapon than the rest. The songs still talk about how society sucks for queer people, but the main focus for the speaker is the person they like and showing their feelings.*

Surrender the Night is a continuation (kind of) of The World is Ugly. If on The World is Ugly the speaker was afraid of confessing their feelings, on Surrender the Night they decide to be selfish and take control of the situation, take control of what makes them happy for once.

Everyone's a passenger, tonight Just another accidental on the freeway of this life

This night is important for the speaker, anything else doesn't matter.

We'll drive on and on and on and on We'll drive on and on And I'll remember this night when you're gone

The speaker and the love interest will leave everything behind, and the speaker wants their love interest to remember that night forever.

You surrender your heart I surrender every dream

Every weapon you've got Every secret that I keep

This is a deal the speaker proposes as a way to confess their feelings. If their love interest accepts being with them, nothing else will matter to the speaker. They will protect the love interest and will be completely honest with them.

You can fight this, all you want But tonight belongs to...

The love interest can fairly reject the speaker, but just for that one night, they will have to listen to what the speaker has to say.

Just another surgery, tonight Well, if you amputate the loneliness Anesthesia dims the lights

This is the speaker's opinion about their love interest. They are a complicated person who ignores their own problems by distracting themselves as if they wanted to disassociate from life and the pain. The speaker tells them they can do that, they can ignore their problems but by rejecting their emotions, they will also miss the good moments.

So dream on and on and on and on So dream on and on And I'll remember your eyes when you're gone

In this verse, the speaker encourages their love interest to follow their dreams instead of disassociating from life, and even if they don't end up together the speaker will remember them.

And I'll watch you in your sleep 'Cause tonight belongs to me You can fight this, all you want But tonight belongs to

The speaker will watch the other person sleep as a way to protect them and make sure they don't run away.

Sparks against the railing Distant phantoms wailing Through the windshield, sailing With these airbags failing

Here, the speaker is honest about how their lives will be if they're together. There will be chaos, people will talk, and they won't be able to control some situations.

But tonight belongs to me But tonight belongs to me But tonight belongs to me

The speaker reassures this to their love interest, expecting an answer.

Burn Bright:

And finally, we get to talk about my baby, the creme of the gays. This song in general is about finally accepting who you are, living as you want, and loving whoever you want; even if you know people are against it. If following the story from the previous song, this song is where they get together with their love interest and start a relationship. The speaker knows it won't be easy but they don't care.

So give me all you've got

I can take it

We walked alone in your city lights

Did you make it?

We lit the fire and it's burning bright

Did you take it?

Kissed all the boys in your city lights

Did you make it?

Left all the stars in your city nights

Can you fake it?

I lost my way in your city lights

Glad you made it

We stole the fire

And it's burning bright

Fire/stars/light is represented as strength the queer person has found in their identity, and it burns so brightly at the end of the album that they won't hide it anymore. Now that they have met another queer person and they are both out, the speaker trusts that it is possible to live as who you truly are, and they are not willing to hide anymore.

Not ashamed of what I am

I took the pills

For these empty nights

'Cause it makes me who I am

The speaker is not ashamed anymore of being queer but they still remember how it felt. How they had to cope with unhealthy copy because of the suffering of being against the world.

"They always told me that

"You never get to heaven"

With a love like yours

Well if you're lost little boy

The cameras pull you right back down, yeah"

Social/ expectations opinions are a heavy theme in the album, and it continues in the last song. It is not uncommon that society to treat queer people as little kids who don't know what they want or at least "should" want. Society will tell queer people that the way they want to love and/or exist is wrong. If a person dares to do something not straight or gender not conforming, society is there, like cameras, to judge that vulnerable moment and show it as a mistake. The speaker reflects on religion telling others "you won't get to heaven based on the things that you do" because people still use religion to discriminate against queer people.

"It's like a chemical burn

I'm peeling off your skin, yeah

And when you see your face

Well you'll never be the same again, yeah"

Queer people have to hear bad news, insults, misinformation, etc. every day. It takes a great toll mentally that can make people and that can be manifested physically, to the point that it hurts and/or to the point that people start noticing. Sadly, it's a kind of pain queer people have to live with for now until who knows when.

"Cause if you just stop breathing

I'll stop, stop my heart

I'll stop breathing too

[...]

Not ashamed of what I am

I'd trade the world for your city nights

'Cause it makes me who I am"

Queer people rely on each other, and the speaker relies on their significant other. The speaker would give up everything for the experiences they will get to share together.

"And though I missed the chance for this

I confess that I can't wait

Until it's gone

No I mean this every single day

Don't go if you got more to say

'Cause the world don't need

Another hopeless cause"

The speaker makes a small confession here. They are tired of society, of hiding, of fighting. They want the whole world to disappear just so they can be happy. They don't want to be part of "the fight" to make things better but they don't have any other choice. For them, the world cannot afford people doing nothing.

"Though it makes me who I am

'Cause it makes me who I am

And you made me who I am

And you made me who I am

Be afraid of what I am"

Although the speaker is done with people who don't do anything to fight against a society that doesn't accept them, they recognize that's who they were for so long. But now their significant other gives them the strength to leave all doubts and fear behind. The speaker is warning the world to be afraid of them because they are done being afraid of the world.

"We walked around in your city lights

'Cause it makes me who I am

I burned it all but im doing fine

'Cause I'll never fade away

If I steal the fire from your city nights

'Cause it makes me who I am

Who I am"

The speaker borrows strength from their significant other to go against the world, and in doing so they burn (jeje) relationships with other people, but they are okay with it. They will survive now that they are strong enough to stand up for themselves.

Conventional weapons sets someone in multiple stages of queer life and use weapons to portray life as a war with oneself, expectations, and society.

FIN

tldr: cw is gay af argue with the wall

#mcr #my chemical romance #conventional weapons #burn bright #surrender the night #kiss the ring #make room #the world is ugly #the light behind your eyes #boy division #tomorrows money #ambulance #gun #queer #lgbtqia

[filmnoirsbian]

This one I think might be really weird tbh, but I used to have a crush on my section leader (for marching band, he was the Drumline section leader as a senior, and I was a freshman with absent at best parents, and he started dating the other freshmen in Drumline who I was friends with, and because he was the both of our rides home he knew where I lived, and I was soooo jealous, and then I found out that he has sexually abused 3 girls and then my friend and because I found out and there was still most of the marching season left he started taking my friend home and then to the abandoned parking lot of a long abandoned grain mill and beat the shit out of me under the guise that he was doing it so I could be a better drummer, and because I had the crush on him I let him tell me that the girls were awful and that they said yes but then retook their statement back later because girls were liars and so every day after marching band he would drive me to this parking lot and I would be so so afraid because I knew if I screwed up he would beat me and if I skipped practice he would beat me and if I ate lunch and it was something he thought was unhealthy he would beat me and he said if I talked back or if I told anyone he would come to my house and kill me or just do it in the marking lot and even though he kept hurting me I still thought he was hot and I kept thinking that if I was just good enough of a drummer and I practiced harder he would love me and stop hurting me, but he kept telling me that he was doing it because he saw my potential and that I could be something good and that I could be someone that could get into professional marching bands and I could lead them one day and I could be amazing but that he just had to shape me in his hands into something useable. He also regularly told me that I was too fat to fuck and then he broke like two of my ribs once and felt over the sore spots there for weeks on end saying that if he did that more I’d be perfect. And one time he made me kneel by his snare drum and he played rim shots (the loudest noise you can play on a drum and due to it being a marching snare it’s sometimes said to be about as loud as a gunshot but idk how true that is) and it made me fully deaf in one ear and the hearing still hasn’t come back four years later. And my parents never noticed the bruises and my friends noticed but I’d never tell them where they were from and on the very last marching band comp he moved away a full state for the rest of his senior year and I later found out he raped 4 more girls and is now in jail but it turns out the photos he used of the bruises he gave me he showed the other girls and told them that if they fought him or told anyone that he’d do that to them to and so they got used in the court case but the court never found out those photos were of me and now I have a debilitating fear of black trucks (a bad thing in my rural farming community). Anyways, now I am section leader for my section and I can never do professional band because he actually beat me so bad that I tore two holes in the tissue of my hip and need surgery but I can’t have it until my growth plates seal and I lied to my doctor and told him my drum was lighter than it is and now I’m leading the Drumline and I sit in fear every day that the state of Idaho will let him out of jail and he’s gonna come kill me for telling some close friends that he hurt me. Anyhow, by now I’m over that crush but I’ve never told anyone I had it in the first place because the shame of the fact I had a crush on the man who kept beating me really badly, and it made me think that love was bloodied and that love is to be beaten and love is in the devotion to one that hurts you. Anyways, I’m working on getting better but no one knows I had a crush on him because of the shame

I'm really sorry that that happened to you. You didn't deserve it. I think sending me this long message about it is a sign you want to--and should--speak about it with someone. Preferably a counselor someone, who might be able to help you deal with the trauma of that in a healthy way. I understand the shame that is attached to experiences like this, which makes it difficult to talk about, even to yourself. But I hope one day, when someone tells you that you did nothing wrong and you did not deserve what happened to you, you believe them.

#asks #rape tw #abuse tw #ummm tw for a lot #domestic violence tw

[julien5-malfunction]

Derranged drafting about wanting to go to concert, money, dread.

Crafting a little budjet for myself bc I'M MAD EITHER WAY SO I BOUGHT THE TIKETS, to get me there, I has to pay a lil extra to have the train ticket so it can be refunded JUST IN CASE I end up going. If I feel like absolute shit and decide to not go on the last minute, I can still refund them. I'll buy the concert ticket on the way there, IF I GO.

I save some money by taking the bus there, and some more by having to wait 2+ more hours for the later night train. Should not be an issue as I have insomnia but the waking up on time, the anxiety, the cold and hunger will be. Also I don't know if I should be scares of the streets as I will be going alone...

But the bars will be open on the fiday night right? I can chill there with a ton of people around incase I feel scared on the street, right?

Now I'm doing pathetic little calculations on how much I can spend on merch, bc I like me some CDs and maybe a t shirt or a hoodie but 50€ for merch, food and snacks and whatever else I need, ain't much. So I'm like gooling how much they cost on the web and trying to estimate the price but I probably can get like 2 cds and nothing else...

I dunno if it's ok to take the cash I got for christmas and use some of that so I can have a t shirt or a hoodie as well if they have good ones.

...sometimes I think I should just buy a plain black T shirt and plagitarize a band shirt bc I'm so broke nowdays...

And I feel too ugly in my body anyway to wear new bought band shirts or any new or nice chlotes anyway, but I'll be wearing the nice black cargo pants, the leather boots ( or my winter shoes, I heard it's gonna be really cold...) A burner T shirt under a nice hoodie, probably the one from Amenra, as I saw them in the same place about a year ago... (And it's really warm!)

Dunno which jacket is the most convinient for an over night trip... Beige one, probably, has the most pockets, but is the most casual. Black one is the most metal and camo the most punk (a battle jacket)...

I got the same flavoured peanuts for snacks on the train today, got 2 since they were on dicount... as well as ibuprofein, in case I get migrane from flasing on the train / period pain in the train. (unintended rhyme god damned) I'll make some POTENT AF coffee to keep me going, probably to my demise... or maybe take coins for a take out coffee...

The same book I was reading the last time...

maybe the ds3 idk. Pen and paper ofc.

charger, headphones, earplugs, keys, water, snacks, coffee(?), chocolate maybe?, wallet, a book, A FEW PENS LETS SAY 5 MAX, NOT THE WHOLE ARCENAL, paper. Pocket knife. Sanitary stuff... Tissue paper. Idk, how much are wet wipes €€€? (I have a sensory issue with wasking my face and hands?) Hand sanitizer? Smokes + a lighter.

Something to serve as a comforting thing, in case of anxiety, I wanna take a plushie but... Maybe the scarf will do? I mean, it works in therapy... No I won't take knitting stuff... Or should I? I mean, I need stuff to entertain me for 15h in the train... No I won't unless I start a project that doesn't require much space to take on board.

I really hope I can pull this off...

Like please let this happen.

I'll figure out the money thing somehow...

I know I should not spend so much and calculate stuff like this much better but...

I didn't know earlyer. I missed the sign if there was one...

It's like something is telling me I need to go it's really weird to try and explain and I will sound crazy but there have been some weird coincidences lately, in my dreams and the real world. Yet again the source of the message is the library... The printed media is the carrier. I don't know who or what or where I get the metadata to pick a cartain thing in the library, and that thing happens to have the information I didn't know I needed. This has basically happen twice now. I'm going to consider it as something like a tradition from now on. I'm my mind the building, the venue, looks an awful like a chapel or a church. Was that what the dream was referring to? Does the stuff that happen in the dream relate to this in anyway??? Will I be scared... And the next time telling people not to go there? If so, it might... I might be drawing lines between random raindots here and calling it fate. I'm willing to take a leap, I suppose... If my body so allows.

Idk it just feels like that place became holy to me the last time.

another one would be this hill nearby I have gone to 3 years in the row. I bike north of town and drag the bike up hill a certain path in the fall. Chill under the high voltage lines and pick berries. Stare down to the distant road and look down to my hometown on the other side...

It's 4 am, sorry about all this brain vomit taking up the supposedly infinite space of the internet. But I doubt anyone actually reads this. I hope you don't.

#excuse my rambling #rambles #vent #i'm broke #probably delusional #i'm tired

[magnus-the-maqnificent]

You guys @carelessflower and I witnessed the weirdest most surreal Taylor Swift experience ever 💀

Okay idk of anyone will believe this, but after some discussion, this is what we believe happened -

Rando hacker dude hacked Taylor Swift's Youtube acc, started a live, played what I think was some old interview (Taylor was talking w some dude, she was wearing this light cream coloured sweater, hair was braided, she had airpods in, and she was talking about Haim and her collaborations with them.) There was a QR code at the bottom of the screen which I didn't scan and a message that read "do you know *some japanese sounding name*? If yes, yiu should scan the qr code immediately!!".

And like, the live cut off right in the middle of Taylor talking about something about Haim and an SNL something-party

Oh, and the live was titled something something (midnights world tour 2023-2024), most likely clickbait.

Anyway, the weirdest, most scariest part - the live chat was on, and there were no comments (they were disabled) except for Taylor's own

And what did those comments say???

One or two comments about how *gag* Taylor was going into crypto 🤢🤢🤢🤢

(Yall. The heartbreak I felt)

And then. Three comments posting this exact link over and over : www.swiftmusk.com

(Cue more heartbreak)

Anyway. The live abruptly ends, cutting Taylor off in a sentence about Haim the band and I'm like. ????

Taytay's youtube channel doesn't show that live anymore. Not even the video.

(At this point, we're very confused. We don't know there's a hacker, but we're suspecting it. Anh calls Taylor an ecological tayrorist)((We're both very heartbroken, if you couldn't tell)

Anyways, I look at the tumblr taylor swift tag. Nothing about the live. According to Anh, nada on twitter either.

So, naturally, I open the website Fake TayTay posted in the live

It's a real website. My heart breaks again.

I apprehensively click on "bitcoin" to see what's going on

There's a broken youtube embed, which I assume is of the deleted live. Sooo I scroll a little lower to the "more info" section

Y'all

Its a very clearly fake crypto scam website 💀

At this point, anh and I are 100% sure this was a hacker.

Unfortunately, we don't have screenshots of the fake live

Now we're sitting here all like. Wtf just happened??? Shit feels like a fever dream 😭.

TLDR; Hacker hacks Taylor's yt account, starts a live, which turns out to be part of an elaborate crypto phishing scheme 💀 and Anh and I were two of what? A mere 1.4k people who witnessed that fake live

#don't mind me ramblings #im afraid i dont remember some of the finer details sjdjdjsjsjs #im still here like. holy shit what just happened #taytay im so glad you're not doing crypto #please don't ever do crypto #taylor swift #midnights #hacker #hacking #taylor swift live #taytay #blondie

[idontwanttospoiltheparty]

i think you reblogged a post recently regarding the similarities between john & paul’s lives however the outcomes differed for each of them and how that may have been noticed by john. and it does make me wonder how often john compared himself to paul. it reminds me of a quote from neil about bringing the boys food and john’s main complaint was “how come Paul never gains an ounce, and he eats twice as much as I do?" and idk once again it’s a comparison to paul & I just feel it contributed to his

resentment to him, but witj something like that, it wasn’t something paul could do differently. I guess I just wonder what should paul had done in this case? sorry if im not making sense.

the post anon is referring to

No worries anon, you're making perfect sense!

I think – though it probably hurt him a lot – John didn't have much of a choice but to constantly compare himself to Paul, especially in the latter half of the 60s. His social circle had shrunk considerably, with his fellow band members taking on central roles in his life. It's pretty normal to measure up your current circumstances to those of the people closest to you.

At the same time, fan mags were comparing him to his friends for sport. Who's the cutest? Who's the sexiest? Who's the funniest? Fuck, marry, kill – or whatever the 60s equivalent of that was. And him and Paul being at the center of the attention, presenting themselves as two halves of one whole, would have invited even more comparisons between the two. Which is it: Lennon or McCartney?

They had developed their own competitive edge before the fame, of course, but I doubt it impacted their self-esteem nearly as much (at least towards people other than each other) when it was just about writing a song that would be good enough to impress the other.

To the second part of your message: well, of course it isn't Paul's fault – certainly, Paul didn't cause Dot to miscarry, nor can it in any way be held against him that Yoko and John lost contact with Kyoko, nor can he help if his metabolism works differently to John's. But John couldn't very well help the resentment these different circumstances caused, which is, in my opinion, a completely natural reaction. It would more be a sign of incredible strength and rationality, if John didn't resent Paul even a little about these things. A lot of the specific issues caused John a huge amount of pain, they weren't just passing inconveniences. So, in a way, it makes sense for him to wonder: if he and Paul are equals, as they jointly decided as teens, why is he consistently getting the short end?

(Note: I'm not saying Paul didn't have problems of his own, but I think Paul was very good at hiding/ignoring them, such that John didn't take particular note of them, and few of his issues paralleled John's life in quite so painful a way, I'd say.)

Regarding what Paul could've done about it; well… Nothing really. As you say, Paul didn't do anything wrong, though one might hold against him that he was very unaware of how John was perceiving their different fates. As always, talking about it would probably have done wonders, not even between the two necessarily – first and foremost, I think John needed to understand that oftentimes shitty things happen and they're not because of anything intrinsically wrong with you as a person. But… Of course that's not very easy, is it?

#anyways stream jealousy jealousy by olivia rodrigo #ask #anon #john #jp #my analysis

[rosysugarr]

Sometimes I think back on fandoms past and I'm just like. Man. Kids in the dsmp fandom wouldn't have lasted a SECOND in the fandom landscape of even just 5 years ago. Like. A big reason I struggle sometimes with not knowing whether a joke is appropriate or not, besides the autism, is that for 3/4 of my life in fandom spaces, the rules were totally different.

And in a lot of ways, it IS better now, make no mistake-- de-normalizing some gross behaviors was definitely an improvement, but. There were also a lot of ultimately harmless but weird things we did back in the day that you would get publicly executed for on twitter today.

Like. RPF can go on either end of that spectrum depending on who you ask, but when I was a teenager, it was not only normal but expected. Hell, I spent years in bandom, aka the big combo fandom for MCR/Fallout Boy/various other associated acts, and that was like... all we did. Shit, we did real people ROLEPLAYING. I remember I once tried to play Gerard Way in a summer camp AU game when I was like. 15-16 and someone literally messaged me on AIM to say I didn't deserve him bc I clearly had no idea how to portray drug use so they demanded I hand the role over. (I did, so they would leave me alone.)

Idk where I'm going with this except that like. It's so fucking weird to see the ways things have changed and just how differently teenagers now experience and participate in fandom from how I personally did at their age. The rules of what is and isn't acceptable have changed so fucking wildly. MOSTLY for the better.

I do miss picspams though. There was nothing more indulgent than writing up a lengthy LiveJournal post where you just pasted in like 20 pictures of the band you like most and ramble about them and why you like them in between the pictures in an effort to recruit new people to your fandom.

#rosychatter #go to sleep grandpa

[darkerthanblack-666]

That new documentary would be fun if they didn't show so much of this VIP stuff in it and Joel's explanation made me hate it once again (I was almost neutral towards it, but he set me off again lmao)... rant below under the cut, because I'm just dumping what I feel about it, you don't need to read if you're an avid VIP supporter ⬇⬇⬇

First of all, I need to say I'm one of those people, who ranted about it and didn't buy that VIP ticket. Just to clarify, because most whiners got them anyway 🤡

I'm tired of seeing it everywhere, it makes me feel like I'm not the real fan, because I didn't get it and I see so many familiar faces on those photos. But I won't be there, so I'm not as important as people, who got them. Joel may say whatever he wants, but his explanations make 0 sense.

First of all, only people with VIP tickets get early entry, so not only they get to meet the band, they get to be close to the stage as well and others are crowded somewhere in the back. There's no separate upgrade with early entry, which sucks. I'm still nervous whether I'll even be able to see anything during my concerts, because last time I was in the 2nd row and still didn't see much, everyone is so huge 😭. I'll try to be even earlier this time, but idk if there's a point to do that, because people said there are 30 VIPs per concert. My concerts are small in smaller clubs, so what if that first row is already full with VIP people when I get there? Maybe it's pointless and I should just not try.

Then there's Joel's message in the documentary that sounds dishonest as fuck to me: "it's super important to do this opportunity to fans that they can meet us and take photos and give us the gifts", "it's super nice to have this kind of moments in the tour". This is what pissed me off.

Because last time I had small gifts for them. But no one wanted to take them from me. I kept running around, asking the venue staff, no one gave a fuck, so eventually I had no choice but to throw them on stage (and I hit Niko with one of them by accident, which was funny, but the whole thing made me stressed as fuck). So now they give fans that opportunity, but only when they pay a lot of money for it? "You pay, so you can give us the gift." Well, thanks for that opportunity, Joel. I'm very honored 😐. You can't just leave a box for gifts at the merch, you need to ask for money and make it very limited.

He could just admit it they want money instead of pretending it's something they do for the fans. No, it's just another service they sell, ffs. Why lie so much and make it seem they're being supper kind to offer it to people? They advertise it everywhere now. It ruins my whole excitement, because I'm not good enough. I'm not a good fan, because I didn't buy that. I'm just a casual person, one of many somewhere else in the crowd. Because numbers is what they only care about.

I almost wanted to get it. Almost, after seeing what a fun photo one of my Instagram mutuals had with them. But then I listened to Joel's bs in this documentary, then I reminded myself I actually hate it when someone takes photos of me. I even censored my face in the photo I have with Joel, because I hate what I look like there. That VIP thing would make me stressed af and I wouldn't enjoy having a photo of me taken. I'd hate it with a burning passion. But the way they're trying to promote it to sell to people almost got me.

But I just want to be able to be closer to the band. Maybe give them gifts (well, after my previous experience I definitely don't want to do that anymore, Joel has like 666 shirts now anyway) and say "hi", but I don't want any photos. It just sucks that all other stuff I care about is attached to the thing I want to avoid so much. This is why I loved signing sessions, you could get closer to the bands without feeling so insecure and sometimes they talked to you instead.

Btw. don't attack me that "I don't support the band". No, if they sell another service and I'm a number to them I will only see it as a transaction. I buy my concert ticket, I get my entertainment. That's it, I don't owe them anything else.

#text #rant

[nasturtiumsforbreakfast]

What an odd dream that was

Partly because I need to change to summer bedding over winter I think, too hot, and I fell asleep watching Taskmaster, and I always get weird dreams this time of the month tbh

Anyway

In which I was on a idk like a university trip to,, a city, idk where, except that we were walking back, somewhere, and also one of the "students" was a robot who had killed her awful 'dad'? Who was tagging along for nothing better to do? And so the police didn't find her for burning down the guy's house aaand stuff, tho tbh I don't think anyone really knew she existed so she was probably fine, but she was having fun so

Anyway we all got back eventually, figuring out what bloody train station we were at and needed to get to. And someone said, oh I don't want to go home, how about we just go straight back out and get a flight to another place? And I thought yeah, that sounds good, let's do that

He looked rather a lot, somehow, like someone I knew from school - I never fancied him at school, I was stuck a bit on one of the awful popular kids who was in a talent show band - tho if I remember rightly the non-dream version of this guy was also in that week-long talent show band on keys (the other guy was lead singer, and had pointy cheekbones and 15-yo me got all starry-eyed about how 15-yo him played guitar). It was 13 years ago, idk. Anyway, doesn't matter.

And I thought, oh this'll be cool, we'll go to Australia now?? A bunch of us? And then it turned out only him and me took it seriously? And I thought, oh I don't want to go if it's just me and him, really, so I'll send him a message, say I can't get a ticket short-notice or whathaveyou, and I'll drop my wellies with the neighbours so I have to go back for them - idfk it's a dream. So I did that, and then he was like oh no well I don't want to go if you're not! And we like. Nearly kissed?? Idk.

And so then we both went together to the neighbours to get my wellies - and the neighbours were Greg Davies and his wife and their partner (he wasn't Alex Horne, lmao, tho tbh I can't quite picture him)? And they three invited us to stay for dinner, so we did, and Greg Davies told an amusing anecdote about how they're so loud during sex (he's in the middle, if you're interested - to quote dream-him, he's "a big man and needs the attention") that the neighbour on the far side complained to them about it, and I was like oh huh well I know I'm on the opposite side but I haven't heard anything loud enough to warrant complaints, you're safe from me lmao - and then so they asked me what I'd been up to and I was like oh y'know nothing new fucking people on the internet - blank stares - sexting y'know - ah yes okay - then to the bloke you don't mind if I carry on, right? And he's like oh! No (awkwardness) you can do what you want, I don't mind

And then we went to this bar? Him and me and my bag-with-wellies-in for no reason I can fathom, and the guy on the door was giving out different stamps, people was getting different symbols, rainbows and smiley faces, and this bloke got a "they/them" stamp in big letters and was like "huh. alright.", and the guy just said to me "nah you're alright, go on" and let me in without a stamp - and we met the blokes friends, who turned out to be two lesbian couples who were each like "why are you interrupting our date night" and I'm like "I have no idea why I'm here all of this is so weird" (I think I was only now realising it was a dream)

And the bloke was like, well we can go back to yours and watch doctor who instead if you want? And I was like yeah sure let's go ""watch doctor who"" sure

And then I woke up - and now I have to get up and have a shower and do my gel not on my arms cs it's blood tests day

Oh I've remembered the real guy's name now, let's go and find out how similar he is now to dream-him lmao I wonder if he's still got long hair

#i have weird fuckin dreams

[officialtayley]

Not much of a question, and this could be a big reach... but yesterday I replied to Joey H's story of Parafour at the beach saying:

"Glad y'all are having fun. Please use your platform to call for a ceasefire and spread awareness about what is happening in Palestine. Y'all have a responsibility, I'd hate to see all you lovely people waste it! Much love Joey"

Obviously he didn't respond but today he posted a Troye Sivan song and it's really rubbing me the wrong way bc I'm 95% sure Troye is a Zionist (not just insinuating bc he's Jewish, but because he went to a Zionist school, visited and raved about Israel, his family seen with Israeli flag, and has been silent this last month).

I'm sure Joey probably doesn't know all these things, he just wants to support another queer artist, but the coincidence is just not sitting right with me.

I am pretty fucking disappointed in the entire band at this point. I don't want to make what is happening in the Middle East about celebrities and their silence, but this is a band that is so attentive to its fanbase, they notice a lot more than we think. Like how do they sit with themselves ignoring hundreds of messages on every social platform asking them for a simple post ab Palestine about their day, for them to post themselves going about their day laughing on a beach?

Do they know how incredibly bad that looks? We know they are seeing these pleas, but sure, continue to post about how awesome and fun their life is right now instead because they have the privilege to look away.

Too many things to say, sorry for coming in all hot but I just had to rant and I had no one to vent it to.

You created a great community here, thank you for all your work deprogramming and putting Zionists in their place. I know it's not easy.

(ps, can someone or multiple of you Aussies make pro Palestine signs and hold them up at the upcoming shows? I'd really love for them to see those so they understand we are not playing around with holding them accountable)

you're welcome to vent :) and no need to thank me for that, it's not easy but i'm just doing what's right. i've very much been using my voice on twitter so i also wanted to do that here, didn't realise i'd get so many zionist asks though but hey.

tbh idk what signs would do tbh, they'd probably just ignore it.

#anon #answered

[mnovenia]

Day 4 in Korea - 30 July 2023

Today we're heading to church!! When I wake up turn out Eunchan has left and his parents didn't allow him to join church today huhu --

Then I went with the kids and Oppa because Eonnie left for make up etc earlier. On the way Sooyi was very cutely practice banchak banchak song. In the car I talked a lot with Oppa, about how hard it is to share the gospel to family. It's amazing that I can speak about things so deep like that with my limited korean, Oppa too can understand. Idk how.. it's purely the Holy Spirit..

We arrived, kids left, I was in Oppa's studio again until finally Bella came, also Eonnie, we finally took picture together. We went to the 1st service, and she asked me to stand up when her name is being said. OMG so malu hahaha..

Morning message said: Paul's stratefy to raise Bartizan, he shared about Jesus everytime they find opportunity, that's when God's kingdom expanded (I wrote this as I listened to the song I heard when I was in Yewon's youth service, I missed it so much). Don't say thing pesimistically, all in just give all to God. If you're not interested in the gospel, you lose the blessing.

Afterwards we're heading to Ibadah bahasa indonesia. Twas fun to meet Jihoon, ci Yenny, Cisco, Chris, even ada HakMan/Park Jihoon/Amanda, Ibu Anita, Ibu Oh, Pak Yoon, Ahn Family, Ha Jangronim and I helped ensure the headset because we expected many visitor that time. Bella preached about Josua that pierced to my heart, that both me & Ci Yenny cried:

5 No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. 6 Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their ancestors to give them.

7 “Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. 8 Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. 9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

God wants renew Josh' feaful heart a changed heart. Recall and remember the covenant, be loyal to the end, cling on God's promises. Whatever happened in the world (even its bad) , if God see it's good, then you're sucessful/prosperous in His eyes.

God said be in the word day and night, pray to connect our soul with God, as he said: I'm with you, isn't is enough?

Afterwards we ate together at restaurant nearby (selalu dibayarin dong gantian sm jemaat Bhs Indo), we ate something like naengmyeon which not really my favorite haha. I sat with jangronim who lived in Sanur back then as well. Then we rushed to met Chung Muksanim and there I met Ps Maurice, OMG that was so fun, we're queuing in the room speaking mix language. Then off we go, idk whats going on but he asked why didn't you bring en elders but instead three young girls hahahha.. rightaway me + Yoora headed to Young Adult worship. The sermon was about debtors to mission, that's how the gospel begin, remember HMCC, the old ministers that gave up their life for God's mission. Go and make at least 1 disciple. That's so fun, I love all the songs and Yoora put me into 237 group to have forum (met the band guy who gave Masker pack of Indo's national football team manager). There I met Grace, William, Oz guy, korean man 3rd culture who lived in Java lol and have a blessed time. Then I met Yoora again ready to go where Bella was, planned to go to Yeonnamdong but it rained so we went to Yoora's office, talking a lot in the car about Park Ji Hoon and just ate at Tous Tous (Bella' hotel) and there we had a long convo with Ps Maurice. He mentioned how his birmingham church was taken over by the couple korean grew up in Indo met Chinese american who then both got a job/study in Birmingham according to God's plan, where the source of problem in the UK are but they came against what the world avoid). Ps Maurice himself is a testimony of God's disciples making disciples. The tous tous foods were sooooo sooo good I couldn't forget.

Then we head home (Eonnie/Oppa house) because the gimpo family has gathered to welcome and speak to us. I was so exhausted actually, Yoora also didn't join. They hosted and asked to eat sashimo, ramyeon, etc omg so good I can't resist. Then I headed with kwonsanim Sharon Jei (hayong's mom) to her apt to take clothes, bags that she wanted to give away. Twas so fun coz we went with hayong hajin's bike I got so many goods: 2 bags, skirts, dresses. Headed back to apt, i just play around with the kids cos I'm so exhausted I can't catch up with Korean hangukmal n adult convo anymore. I secretly sad coz they're talking about men in the church and how they can intro Bella to guys etc. Part of me, I felt this is when I realize that I'm different, I can't speak comfortably (yet) and many on my head. However I just prayed, being in silent, be patient and heal my self by playing with Hayoung and Sooyi, love them so much <3

[nicekaylee]

july fucking 31st

it's 2 am

after the show i said fuck all of THIS

and went on a fucking vacation. and getting therapy

and it's been going pretty sick, therapy not started. but anyways thats a write up for another day. im just going to talk about something specific that happened today.. im so pissed, and heartbroken.

CONTEXT

in my past 3 years of wasting my life on this god damn album, someone i knew a bit lit up my life in the last year,2022. this girl. the way she dresses just opened up a new sense of inspiration for me that ive never had before. so i get to know her a bit more once we hang out, and then i get to know how similar our interest in things are. we talk on the phone, and it's really nice. i knew after my birthday that this girl was someone special to me. and even though she's inspiration, i wanted to know i wanted to be there to care for her and be a closer companion, especially after knowing her past history and how i feel like she may have not felt that. fast forward 10 fucking months and im no where closer. in fact, even further away. i bet this girl doesn't think about me at all. and i'm just confused cause she barely shows any emotion at all. like one of the hardest people to understand, yet im still so invested. but it's getting very one sided. I got very depressed after my birthday, and then super focused on my album so i had little social life.. if any at all. not one message of empathy from her.. a couple of times seeing her, but never alone.. but whatever that's not the real point of the story. that was all just context. THE REAL STORY

so it's july 2023 i can't look at her as a friend, cause i have too many feelings. we talk minimally but theres a group chat thats kinda our saving grace. and just recently, she started med school in galveston. fuck. during my vacation, i'm trying to enjoy my life more. ive always wanted to wait till after my album is done, where i feel like my life will be easier, but now a days im thinking.. fuck that. i'm tired of waiting to be in the right time of my life because i can't bottle these feelings any longer. like fr this shit is bothering me so much. i'm getting older and just wishing and having this crush with no substance makes no sense.

so i need to tell her asap.

i wanted to see her in galveston. somehow ended up into a group friend thing to visit her in galveston, then her mom shut that down.

because she is in the most complicated situation literally not meant for dating at all. no car, mom takes her everywhere, curfew as fuck,her mom doesnt even want her around guys, what the actual fuck. but fuck it, she makes time to hang out in houston..for like 2 hours.. but i appreciate it honestly i understand her life situation.

TODAY she pulls up to my friends house with her brother cause her moms a freak about her going out. it's another group hangout. how tf am i gonna tell her my feelings?? anyways,

i mention i went to galveston and she seems UPSET THAT I DIDNT TELL HER?? CAUSE SHE COULDA MADE A WAY TO SEE ME..

NOW SHE WANTS TO SEE ME? WTF. idk dude it's so hard to understand her. so that was some good insight. but it's the past so whatever..

we play mario party on the switch. finish and it's about time to go. i whip out a surprise bag with gifts i wanted to treat my 2 other friends and her with! snacks for one, a fork for another, and i got her these super cute pens. she seemed to like them! she then says i didn't have to get this cause she knows im broke. WTF. honestly, shit was funny. idc but then she starts talking to me or us about some more details of her school life. she seems to always looks at me more. like most of the time. i LOVE that, but i have no clue how basic that is for her. she tells me shes finally gonna start her dream cover band, which is sick, love to hear that. someone said i should do a cover band.. i made a face and was going to say i actually do plan on it--

THEN SHE FUCKING CUTS ME OFF. AND FUCKING SAYS I SHOULD MAKE CUTE JINGLES FOR MY GIRLFRIEND(S)?? LIKE HALLMARK CARDS w pretty messages and simple JINGLES?? .....WHAT THE FUCK...

im staring at her like about to fucking lose my mind... cause i want to do that FOR HER. i almost impulsivey confess everything i feel to her. but everyone was right around me, her brother too. and i didn't know if it would be bad for her brother to hear..and have him spread info to her mom ..which will fuck her over more. i didn't wanna do that. so i just calmed down and played dumb. she left and said it's gonna be a long time till she'll see us again. what the fuck. im so mad. my friends said i shoulda just told her right there.. but idk it was so much random pressure and i wanted to be courteous and not fuck her over..

but jesus fucking christ im so mad. or some other word to describe how riled up that got me. this woman needs to know how i feel. i actually dont give a fuck anymore. im a grown dude and that annoys me that this is all weird puzzle solving teenage shit. cause if she was hinting, fuck her so im going to galveston this wednesday. giving her A SPECIAL hallmark card with a beautiful art of her and a BEAUTIFUL SONG only for her. not for OTHER girlfriends.. FOR HER. she is the one i want to make these things for . she needs to know shes the one i care about. before some asshole gets to her in galveston. honestly i actually dont care. i just wanna make sure she knows how special she is to me. that'll give me peace of mind. and she says no, then honestly im okay. anyways im doing it. wednesday. cant bottle this in anymore. i really hope she lets me see her man. i just want to let her know how special she is to me. it'll hurt my heart knowing if i never did anything. and maybe she'll share something loving as well

maybe