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imma-fucking-nerd · 4 years

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What a Beautiful Day

(Connor x Reader)

A/N: Daydream in Blue by I Monster is what inspired this one. Am I the only one who thinks up dramatic scenarios to songs?

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You took deep and unnecessary breaths to calm yourself. All your audio sensors could make out was the intense pumping of yiur therium pump. Your LED was flashing red and your bloodied hands trembling. Squeezing your eyes shut, you brought your hands up to pull at your hair as you shook your head.

The next time you opened your eyes, you found yourself laying in a field of beautiful daisies. You looked up at the blue sky so far above you. How the steady breeze made the big fluffy white clouds roll on by. The corners of your lips curled up into a smile. You felt calm now, serine even. What a beautiful day.

Suddenly, images corrupt your vision. The beautiful, calming scenery being replaced by flashes of your owners home covered by red. That was the only colour you could seem to see. Red. These images, these memories that couldn't have belonged to you, of hastily trying to clean up all that.....red.

When you blinked back into reality you were in the middle of a sentence. Your short pause made the two detectives in front of you look at you questioningly. It was only brief pause before you continued what you were saying before as if you had been present the whole conversation. What you were reciting to the human and android detectives was your alibi. Apparently, your owner had been murdered. But of course you knew nothing about that. You were a loyal and obedient android, you could never kill anyone.

The brunette android eyed you skeptically and you offered him the same smile you did to everyone. The smile you were programmed to have on your face at all times. However your eyes held a distant look that made it seem like you weren't all there. Different from the blank look on other ordinary household androids. It was like you were lost in a daydream. This was the second time Connor had noticed that look since he and Hank had started questioning you.

"So what's the verdict Connor? Is she innocent or not?" the older of the two asked.

Connor kept his eye on you as he spoke, "I'm not detecting any lies but.... I'm not too certain it's telling the truth either."

"The fuck do you mean by that?" Hank rose a brow.

"I believe that it believes it knows nothing. As if it convinced itself that it had nothing to do with the murder," Connor hypothesized, finally breaking his stare from you to glance over to his partner.

"That even possible?" Hank asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

"I'm not sure, but it's possible that when it became deviant it's fear was too overwhelming. Which caused it's recollection of events to be modified on it's own," Connor continued with his train of thought.

"Alright, so how are we going to get the truth out of her then?" Hank looked back over to your smiling face, with that distant far away gleam in your eyes.

Connor also returned his gaze onto you and was quiet for a moment before he responded, "I'm going to have to probe it's memory. It's the only way to know for sure what happened here."

"That won't be necessary," your voice suddenly chimed in.

Your tone was calm but your eyes held a fear you didn't even know you were trying to conceal. Connor and Hank exchanged a look at your sudden protest before their eyes were back on you.

"It's okay, it'll be quick. I just need to see for myself if you're telling the truth," Connor spoke slowly and softly, approaching you carefully.

"N-No, no. You don't have to. I'm not lying. I can't lie," for however tried you might, your stoic mask was slipping and Connor could see it.

It didn't help that your LED was betraying you by flashing from blue to amber occasionally.

"Hey, hey, it's okay. I promise it's all going to be okay. Just take my hand," Connor spoke with a small reassuring smile as he reached out his hand for you to take.

You looked at him and tried to hide the unsure expression that was surely written on your features. Your eyes flicked up to meet his and for some odd reason, you felt as if you could trust him. After a slight pause, you slowly lifted your hand from your side and delicately placed it in his. You saw his artificial skin peel back, yours following suit, and before you had the opportunity to pull away your memories started to play.

You were in the kitchen, the knife in your hand chopping up the vegetables for your owner's dinner. He wasn't he yet which meant you had some peace and quiet. At least, that was until you heard the door opening and harshly closing. You didn't even realize it but you flinched at the noise.

You tried to keep your eyes down at the task at hand when you heard him entering the kitchen. His presence was felt looming over your shoulder as you worked and you heard him scoff out a comment about you being "useless". Suddenly, you felt him pushing you aside, making you and the knife fall to the floor. This earned yet another comment. Something that you should have been used to by now.

"Stupid fucking android. Can't do shit. I should just fucking destroy you and get a competent android," he spat.

Your eyes glanced at the knife that was in front of you, slowly you grabbed it before standing up. When you looked up you saw his back turned to you. Subconsciously your grip on the hilt of the knife tightened. Memories of all the times he yelled at you for nothing, hit you for nothing, touched you for nothing. Your LED spun red and the next thing you knew, you were digging the knife into his back. Again, and again, and again.

When you stared down at his lifeless body, the knife fell from your hand. The clang of the metal breaking the deafening silence. The realization of what you had just done, what you had become dawned on you and it felt like all your biocomonants were being suffocated. Is this what it felt like to be dying?

When you opened your eyes again, you were laying in a field of beautiful daisies. You looked up at the bright blue sky above you, tears streaming down your face. Glossy (e/c) eyes stay trained on on the fluffy white clouds that strolled on by.

"I didn't mean to," your soft voice spoke, looking over to Connor who was laying beside you.

"I know," he said after a brief pause, turning his head to meet your gaze.

He ignored the confusion of where exactly they were. Maybe this was your mind palace, like his own zen garden. Except this acted more as an escape. A beautiful day.

Opening your eyes, you instantly locked with Connor's deep coffee brown ones. Your LED shifted from the red it had turned back to a gold that matched Connor's LED. A single tear fell down your cheek and you felt your bottom lip tremble. Connor gave your hand that he still held a little reassuring squeeze. He wasn't exactly why he felt the need to reassure you, but he didn't dwell too much on the fact.

After a few moments, Hank was the one to break the silence, "So, find anything out?"

Connor blinked a couple of times, as if being broken out of a trance, and glanced over to Hank, "N-No, no (s)he's innocent."

Your eyes widened with a mixture of surprise, confusion, and relief. You were so sure that he was going to tell, and that you were going to get deactivated. But you weren't about to ruin this chance he was giving you.

Hank took note of the fact Connor still had his hand clasped in yours, that he stuttered, and refered to you as '(s)he'. He was also very much aware that you clearly felt, if not for the tears you seemed to shed then for the fact you refused to meet his eyes. However, he only nodded.

"Then I guess we're done here," he said turning towards the door.

Connor gave you one last glance before he brought his hand back down at his side. Dropping your hand as well, you began to fiddle with your fingers, already missing the odd comfort he brought. You offered him a little smile and he returned it, giving you a little nod before he want to go follow after his partner.

However he was stopped when you grabbed his arm. He looked back at you and before he could say anything you leaned up and pressed a quick peck to his cheek.

"Thank you, Connor. I hope you have a beautiful day," you whispered.

Connor froze in place and he started at you with wide eyes, a baby blue hue tinting his cheeks. You giggled softly at his reaction.

"Connor! Hurry the fuck up!"

Connor snapped out of his daze and hurriedly called out, "coming Lieutenant!"

You watched him as he got into the old busted up car that belonged to the Lieutenant with a smile. As they drove off you and him kept eye contact for as long as you could. Now that he was gone, you weren't too sure what would happen to you now. Were you free? Would you be sold again? Would you see him again? You didn't know. But for now, you were just enjoying this beautiful day.

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A/N: wow, me? Making a fic less than 2k words? Wowie. Idk what the end was. Maybe I'll make a sequel where they meet again idk.

#dbh #connor rk800 #connor rk800 x reader #dbh connor #dbh x reader #rk800 #detroit become human #connor x reader #rk800 x reader #dbh connor rk800

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purplesurveys · 3 years

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1194

survey by n0b0dysp3rf3ct

What’s your favourite song to sing to? These days it’s Sweet Night by V, but it always changes tbh. I don’t really have an all-time favorite song to sing along to.

What’s your relationship like with your exes? Nonexistent. I’m good at blocking off people and memories like that, no matter how special the relationship had been or how much time we spent together. I don’t feel guilty about it; I actually feel more at peace this way.

What mistake do you find yourself making over and over again? Procrastinating and putting off things I could literally finish in 10 minutes or less. I’ve been better about it, to be fair to myself; but the habit comes out every once in a while and I always end up kicking myself in the ass for not already knowing any better.

What are you afraid to lose? Hmm...probably people, especially my friends. I’ve been starting to think more about this these days. My two best friends are in very good, committed relationships, and I know that one day they’ll have lives and families of their own, maybe even move out of the country. I’m finally acknowledging the fact that maybe I am afraid of getting left behind and ending up alone. Those thoughts make me sad, though, and I hate being stuck in feeling sad, so I try to shake them off and focus on my happiness in the present.

What’s one of the hardest decisions you’ve had to make? Agreeing to break up with Gabie. I never liked admitting defeat, so that was a particularly brutal afternoon.

Have you ever gave up on a love interest as they acted differently around other people? I’ve never been in this situation.

Do you think you’re ready for love? What does love even mean to you? I’m taking a break from it, actually. I was in a relationship that I put a lot of effort in for a long time, and I don’t mind focusing on myself for now especially considering I put myself in the backseat for the entirety of said relationship. I feel no need to jump into another relationship any time soon.

What was the last thing you turned down doing? Angela was showing me some shops that were starting to put up offers for the new BTS Hybe Insight photocards. Those photocards are only being given away to visitors who go to the new Hybe museum, and we didn’t want to technically pirate them, so we both chose not to buy. We can wait till we can travel to South Korea together and get the photocards for ourselves :)

Have you ever fell for someone who was clearly bad for you? Technically...yeah? She eventually ended up being bad for me, but I didn’t know it at the time.

Are you a party animal? No. I like attending parties, but I never want to be the center of attention.

Who are you the biggest fan of? My best friends.

When was the last time someone really let you down? I haven’t felt that disappointed in anyone in a while.

What song can you not help but dance to? Mic Drop.

You’re DJ for the night - first track to get everyone going? ...Now that I mentioned it, Mic Drop. The Steve Aoki remix in particular. Sorry folks, y’all are getting K-Pop tonight.

Have you ever been too scared to tell someone how you felt about them? Yes.

Where do you feel the most inspired and creative? Erm, never? I never feel creative. But when it comes to being inspired, I usually feel it when I have one-on-one talks with Bea. She schedules a brief talk with me once every few months just to catch up and ask me how I’m doing, work-wise and growth-wise. I find that it really helps and I always exit the call wanting to perform better at work.

Have you ever been hit on by a pushy person? No.

When’s the last time you met someone for a coffee? I’ve never done that.

Describe the ideal man or woman for you: Kim Taehyung. That man is doing a stupid great job ruining everyone else for me.

What place in nature would you love to visit one day? Somewhere with auroras.

What accent do you find attractive? Like I’ve said on previous answers, I like Florence Pugh’s accent, whatever it is. I could listen to it all day.

What do you think you’re really good at? I’ve always loved writing and I’m pretty confident in my skills.

Do you have something you’d like to tell someone right now? I know Jo is going through a breakup and I want to reach out and share a few reassuring words, but I’m not very good at that kind of stuff. And since she isn’t initiating, it might mean she wants her own space for now too.

Have you ever had feelings for a friends partner? Never.

What career would you love to pursue: I’m more than okay with my current field. But had things turned out differently, I’d most likely be taking up law.

What was the biggest lies you’ve told? I never like lying so I try to make the ones I make as trivial as possible.

How can you tell if someone loves you? Idk for the most part I believe people have different love languages, so expression is always different for everyone. I don’t wait for people to act a certain way for me to deduce that they love me.

What’s one of your fondest memories? Front row at a Paramore concert, 2017. I went alone and danced without a care in the world and sang along to every song, and it was one of the nicest couple hours of my life.

What’s your favourite thing to do that doesn’t cost much? Taking surveys is literally free.

What do you feel unnecessarily judged for? I feel like I would be judged for having an entire blog just for surveys, which is exactly why I don’t share about this hobby with anyone. Not even my ex knew about it until much later on in our relationship.

What are you proud of yourself for? Still being here is a big thing.

What relaxes you after a busy day? As is pretty obvious already at this point, BTS. I like looking for funny compilations or interviews of theirs to watch to de-stress.

Have you ever known someone who suffered from drug addiction? Nope. Not that I know of, at least.

Why did your last relationship end? She wasn’t in it anymore.

Who do you have a crush on? Taehyung :/

When was the last time you stayed up all night? I was up until 4 AM earlier, if that counts. I don’t really do entire all-nighters anymore; latest I can do is either 4 or 5 AM.

Have you ever been someone’s rebound? No.

What would you fight LTR for the right to do? I don’t know what that is or who they are.

When did you last apologise? What was it for and was it accepted? Some work stuff came up today and it was something I needed to ask my manager about, so I had to message her. I apologized profusely before and after my main message since it’s a weekend and I HATE making my co-workers think about work on weekends, but the matter was a little urgent and it couldn’t wait. But eventually the thing got sorted out, so I followed up with a message asking her to disregard my question, and I sent her a heart GIF as well.

Have you ever been to Cuba? I haven’t, but I’d like to visit.

What do you feel positive about? That I am most likely ordering Frankie’s tonight because I’m having a serious craving for spicy Korean wings that I can’t ignore anymore.

Do you know any Spanish? I’ve retained the words, sentences, and verb tenses I was able to learn when I was still training on Duolingo; and Filipino has a lot of Spanish influences, so I wouldn’t say I’m completely unfamiliar with Spanish. I wouldn’t be able to last a conversation, though.

If you could go on a road trip now, where’s you go? Continued from this morning. I’d probably just go back to Tagaytay. La Union could be a great road trip spot as well.

When in danger are you more fight or flight? Flight. What makes you irrationally angry? When people speak excessive Taglish, especially in a work setting. Most Filipinos are fluent in both, so I’d wish they’d pick one and stick to it. I find code-switching pretty unprofessional for the most part.

Do you feel self conscious about a certain body part? Sure.

Is there someone you’ll always be there for? If so, who? My best friends.

Have you been accused of being manipulative? Gab probably did a few times, but I barely remember those memories anymore.

What’s the most romantic thing someone has done for you? I literally can’t remember anymore.

What or who do you miss from your childhood? The ability to be carefree and the greater space to make mistakes.

Do you miss late night calls with a certain somrone? No, I hate calls.

What would you like to do again some time? Be able to go back to coffee shops.

What’s your least favourite season? Summer.

Do you know someone who’s ridiculously arrogant and entitled? A lot of boomers and older Gen X-ers.

Have you ever considered violence to solve your problem? No.

Who’s the best dancer you know? That I know in real life? Aubrey. Overall, Park Jimin.

What’s the best bit of advice you’ve received? I can’t seem to remember the exact same quote they gave me, but it was Andi telling me a few months ago not to rush my healing so I can avoid potentially harming myself in the process.

How good a swimmer are you? Not very good. I just like swimming leisurely.

What’s your favourite baby animal? Puppies and baby elephants.

What’s the best compliment you have received? It’s always nice to be told I’m strong.

What’s your favourite gemstone? Don’t have one.

Do you bounce back well when things go wrong or does it take a while? It takes a while, but I always get there eventually.

What’s an underrated colour/shade you really like? Not sure; the colors I tend to lean towards I think are pretty popular choices.

What insult or label would hurt you the most to recieve? Being told I’m useless or a burden.

How often do you notice the attractiveness of strangers? I rarely find strangers attractive.

Are you good at hiding your emotions? No, I practically wear them on my face.

Are you romantic? More than I’d like to admit.

#survey #surveys

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anghraine · 4 years

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“we also are daughters of the great” - chapter two

I wrote the first chapter as a one-shot promptfic, but ... idk, I got moved to continue it, so here’s some Merry and Fíriel/f!Faramir (among others).

Last chapter:

As she walked away, Éowyn called out,

“Lady Fíriel!”

Fíriel paused, and glanced over her shoulder. “Yes?”

Do not leave me alone here, Éowyn thought.

This chapter:

“You have already done a great deal for my people, Meriadoc—more than we could ever repay. But I would ask something still further.”

He would not have said that he’d do anything for her, the way Pippin had. But Pip seemed right enough that she was a creature of the heights. Not so high as Aragorn could be, but with a more constant and immediate force of personality alongside her gentleness. It made for an agreeable but very odd impression.

chapters: one

For Éowyn, the remaining hours of the day passed gradually. Her thoughts dwelt on her uncle and her brother and Aragorn, and whatever doom awaited them, then skittered nearer, to her own fate, and her useless present. Her arm ached; though she could endure pain, she knew it would have made her an easy target on a battlefield—even if she could have escaped the city, caught up with the army, and fought among them. She must have seemed ridiculous to Lady Fíriel.

Éowyn shifted her weight from one leg to another. The idea sat uncomfortably with her. Although they had only just met, and spoken briefly, she disliked the idea of appearing childish or silly to her. Fíriel had betrayed admiration rather than disdain, but that might arise from pity as well, whatever she said. Éowyn did not wish to seem weak to anyone, and certainly not a gentle, composed lady of Gondor—and the last of Cirion’s line, no less.

At least Fíriel had been true to her word; not long after their conversation, two healers appeared to lead Éowyn to her new, east-facing chambers. So she stood there at the window, gazing at Mordor and worrying, while the minutes crawled slowly by.

For Merry, however, everything seemed very fast indeed.

One minute he had been watching Gandalf defend Théoden even as the terrible Ringwraith king descended, throwing all but Gandalf himself from their horses. Dernhelm rose, still defiant, and Merry’s horrified gaze fixed on him—her—Éowyn? Éowyn, so fair and valiant! Gandalf or no Gandalf, he had known suddenly what he must do. He stabbed his dagger into the wraith’s knee, and Éowyn drove her sword into the wraith until it shattered.

The Lord of the Nazgûl disappeared into nothing—Éowyn collapsed—Théoden was weeping over her, and Merry too, while a chill numbed his right hand and crept up his arm. It was Gandalf who insisted Éowyn was alive, and ordered her and Merry carried in a rush to the Houses of Healing. Everything grew colder yet, and hazy, until he could scarcely move and scarcely see. Before he quite knew what had happened, he fell asleep.

His sleep was unpleasant: cold and grey, filled with terrible voices that whispered of the dead he had not saved. Some of the voices sounded like the king of the Ringwraiths and he kept stabbing at it, then remembering that the Barrow-dagger had broken. They were all dead, Pippin and Éowyn and Théoden and, somehow, Gandalf and Strider. But no—that didn’t make sense—he couldn’t quite remember—

Another voice joined in, and even in that icy dream, it surprised him.

“Awake,” said Strider, in the commanding way he had sometimes.

He sounded very far away. Merry couldn’t see through the mists, or pinpoint the source of the call.

“Awake,” Strider repeated, even more firmly, and Merry felt a growing warmth, driving the cold off. Even his hand no longer felt numb, and he couldn’t hear any voice but Strider’s.

“Merry.”

Merry opened his eyes. Strider stood nearest him, pulling his hand back from Merry’s head, but Pippin was there, too, alive and well but for his anxious face, and Gandalf just behind him. A mildly sweet fragrance filled the air about him. Just the smell of it made him feel better. And starving.

“I am hungry,” he announced. “What is the time?”

“Past supper-time now, though I daresay I could bring you something, if they will let me,” said Pippin, his voice a little unsteady. Now Merry could see that Pippin had acquired armour, too: a chainmail hauberk made of some black metal, and a black surcoat over it, embroidered with the symbol of a white tree. He had never looked more like the Thain he would be someday.

“They will indeed,” said Gandalf. “And anything else that this Rider of Rohan may desire, if it can be found in Minas Tirith, where his name is in honour.”

Well, that sounded very nice.

“Good!” Merry said. “Then I would like supper first, and after that, a pipe, if Strider will provide what is needed.”

“Oh?” said Strider.

“I had some of Saruman’s best in my pack,” said Merry, “but what became of it in the battle, I am sure I don’t know.”

Strider looked sternly down at him. Really, he was bigger than anyone had a right to be. Maybe he’d drunk Ent-draughts at some time or another—though Éomer was nearly as tall, like Boromir had been, and Merry couldn’t imagine either of them doing it at all.

“Master Meriadoc,” Strider said, in his severest tones, “if you think that I have passed through the mountains and the realm of Gondor with fire and sword to bring herbs to a careless soldier who throws away his gear, you are mistaken. If your pack has not been found, then you must send for the herb-master of this House. And he will tell you that he did not know that the herb you desire had any virtues, but that it is called westmansweed by the vulgar, and galenas by the noble, and other names in other tongues more learned, and after adding a few half-forgotten rhymes that he does not understand, he will regretfully inform you that there is none in the House, and he will leave you to reflect on the history of tongues.”

Merry blinked.

“And,” Strider added, “so now must I. For I have not slept in such a bed as this, since I rode from Dunharrow, nor eaten since the dark before dawn.”

Guilt jolted through Merry and he seized Strider’s hand, kissing it.

“I am frightfully sorry. Go at once!” he said. “Ever since that night at Bree, we have been a nuisance to you. But it is the way of my people to use light words at such times and say less than they mean. We fear to say too much. It robs us of the right words when a jest is out of place.”

Strider’s scowl dissolved into one of his rare smiles. He said, “I know that well, or I would not deal with you in the same way. May the Shire live forever unwithered!”

With that, he bent down to kiss the top of Merry’s head, then left with Gandalf. As soon as they were gone, Pippin started to laugh.

“Was there ever anyone like him? Except Gandalf, of course. I think they must be related.”

Now entirely perplexed, Merry just stared at him.

“My dear ass,” said Pippin, “your pack is lying by your bed. He saw it all the time, of course. And anyway, I have some stuff of my own. Come on now! Longbottom Leaf it is. Fill up while I run and see about some food. And then let’s be easy for a bit. Dear me! We Tooks and Brandybucks, we can’t live long on the heights.”

Merry thought about it—about Great Smials and Brandy Hall, and Meduseld and this monumental city, about their families back home, and Boromir and Éowyn and Strider. Aragorn.

“No,” he agreed. “I can’t. Not yet, at any rate. But at least, Pippin, we can now see them, and honour them. It is best to love first what you are fitted to love, I suppose: you must start somewhere and have some roots, and the soil of the Shire is deep. Still there are things deeper and higher; and not a gaffer could tend his garden in what he calls peace but for them, whether he knows about them or not. I am glad that I know about them, a little.” Then he shook his head, clearing it. “But I don’t know why I am talking like this. Where is that leaf?”

Pippin’s armour clinked as he climbed off his stool and produced the pipe and leaves. Merry almost laughed, himself, at the sight of him, looking as near a fine soldier as any hobbit could be, but with a pipe in one hand and a little pouch of Longbottom Leaf in the other. His face must have spoken for him; Pippin wrinkled his nose and ran off to get some food.

By the time that he returned, Merry was truly ravenous, enough that he didn’t think to ask much of anything until he’d swallowed half of the meal in front of him. Then he slowed, new thoughts jabbing into his mind.

“Lady Éowyn,” he said. “Do you know what happened to her? Is she—”

“Alive,” said Pippin. “Strider brought her back, just like you. She is resting not far from here. The king and Éomer are seeing to their people, I believe.”

Merry relaxed, but Pippin had hardly spoken when his brows drew together.

“What is it?” Merry asked.

“I don’t mean to be ungrateful,” he said slowly, “but I wish he—Strider, I mean—Aragorn—I wish he could have gotten here just a little earlier.”

Merry chewed, then swallowed. “Why is that?”

“So he could have saved Lord Denethor,” said Pippin, his face clouding over. “I swore myself to his service, in return for Boromir, and … well, because I wanted to. He fell leading the retreat against the Black Riders; he and the Prince were the only ones who could hold the soldiers together, and he got pierced by an arrow. The healers kept him alive for awhile, but not long enough. He died just after they brought you and Lady Éowyn here.”

“Oh,” said Merry, feeling rather blank. He knew of the Steward dimly, through Boromir’s proud accounts of his father, and through the message sent with the Red Arrow, which had struck him as courteous. But he thought of Théoden, and felt a burst of sympathy. “I am sorry, Pip. Was he kind to you?”

Pippin nodded, then shook his head, then just deepened his frown, looking bewildered as much as anything.

“He was strange,” he said. “More like Gandalf and Aragorn than Boromir, though not as powerful as Gandalf, I think. But the same sort of person, if that makes sense. Gandalf said Denethor could see people’s thoughts, even people far away.”

All right, not like Théoden.

“I think it was true,” Pippin added. “You’d understand if you met him.” He grew solemn again. “Not that you can. He’s gone, like Boromir. There’s only Fíriel left now.”

“Is that Boromir’s sister?” said Merry. He had even less of an idea of her, beyond a vague impression of her existence and Boromir’s affection for her. But he felt sorry for the unknown lady, nevertheless—all the more when he thought of how her brother had died. Despite everything that had happened since then, his throat tightened.

“Yes,” Pippin said, and thankfully, his smile returned. “I like her.”

The words would have been tepid enough on paper, but Pippin pronounced them with so much fervour that Merry’s brows rose.

“What is she like?” he asked.

Pippin tilted his head, thinking about it. In fact, he thought about it for so long that Merry might have poked him, if not for the chainmail.

“A bit Elvish,” he said at last. “She belongs to the heights, right enough—but isn’t so far-off, if you understand me. It’s hard to explain. You can talk to her, and at the same time, she … you can’t help feeling that you would do anything for her.”

He flushed a little as he spoke. Merry hid a smile.

“Did you ask for a strand of her hair?” he said.

Pippin turned redder. “No! Don’t be absurd, Merry. It’s not like that. You’ll meet her sooner or later, and then you’ll see.”

Merry just laughed, more amused to see Pippin admiring a daughter of Men than he would have thought he could be by anything, a few hours ago.

Regardless, it seemed that he’d scarcely finished talking and smoking with Pippin when Legolas and Gimli came to see them, and they all walked and talked until he grew tired, and they told him of their (terrible!) adventures coming to Gondor. It was a pleasant way to spend an hour—but before long, the rest were all riding out to confront Sauron himself, in Mordor.

Merry watched sadly, feeling very alone, and fearful of what might happen to them all. Pippin’s young friend led him back to the Houses of Healing, saying something meant to be reassuring, but Merry barely heard it. And in the Houses, the hours rushed inexorably on, while Merry tried to calculate the army’s progress in his head, for no messengers came, and nobody seemed to know anything about what was happening out there. But the more the time passed, the closer they had to be getting—and here he was, doing nothing.

As dreadful as he felt, it seemed like he’d only just turned around when he realized it’d been two whole days. They wouldn’t be in Mordor yet, but they’d be making progress, unless something else had gone wrong.

“Master Meriadoc! Master Meriadoc!”

Merry turned to squint at a servant of the Houses. He’d mostly been left to his own devices, apart from the healers who insisted on examining him every day.

“Yes?” he asked.

“If it is no inconvenience,” said the servant, “there is someone who would like to see you.”

“See me?” repeated Merry. He couldn’t imagine who would feel the slightest interest in him, except perhaps Éowyn, and he gathered that she was still recovering. “Who wants to see me?”

The servant straightened, looking proud. “The Lady Fíriel, master. She is waiting here in the Houses now, if it pleases you to speak with her.”

Merry didn’t know whether to take this as real concern for what pleased him or not, or just part of the people of Gondor’s odd way of talking.

“Well—certainly,” he said, baffled but curious.

It wasn’t like he had anything better to do, anyway, and he didn’t want to be impolite, particularly not to Boromir’s sister. He trotted after the servant towards a wall overlooking the gardens, where a few healers and recovering soldiers were walking to and fro. He didn’t see Éowyn among them, but he did see a woman standing at the wall. He couldn’t make out much of her beyond black skirts and black hair that hung loosely down her back; still, he felt sure that she was indeed Fíriel of Gondor.

“My lady,” the servant began, and the lady turned around.

She had a pretty face, but Merry was struck less by this than by how much it resembled Boromir’s. And Aragorn’s, in some odd way that he couldn’t immediately identify—more of an air than any particular feature.

“You must be Meriadoc,” she said.

Merry bowed, a little awkwardly; he couldn’t think of anything else to do.

“I am,” he said.

Fíriel swiftly walked over, and held out her hand, which Merry took in some confusion. She shook his in the manner of the Shire, her face lighting with a pleasant smile that only deepened her resemblance to her brother. Merry appreciated this, even while feeling a little unsettled. She was tall like Boromir, too—very tall. The Men of Gondor generally stood higher than the Rohirrim, to be sure, but though no man, she must be taller than many if not all of the Riders. Certainly more than any woman he’d seen except Lady Galadriel.

“I am Fíriel, daughter of Denethor,” she said in a low voice. “Thank you for coming.”

The servant quietly withdrew, leaving Merry and Fíriel all but alone, her gaze fixed on him. He repressed the impulse to dust off his borrowed clothes, unable to escape the feeling that her clear grey eyes saw everything there was to see about him. That, perhaps, was what reminded him of Aragorn: both the colour and a keen, intelligent attention.

“You are, er, welcome,” he said. Even to himself, his tone seemed flat and strange.

“Perhaps you would walk with me, unless the exertion is too much,” said Fíriel.

“Oh, no,” Merry said, then flushed. “I mean, it isn’t.”

She gestured towards the steps that led down to the gardens, a certain gentle command in the gesture, and they walked together on the greensward, among the early foliage. After a minute or so of silence, she said,

“You have already done a great deal for my people, Meriadoc—more than we could ever repay. But I would ask something still further.”

“What is it, my lady?” he asked, hoping he didn’t sound rude.

“I am a healer, of sorts,” said Fíriel, which did not at all surprise him. “I have often worked in these Houses, and I wish to help those whom I can. I just met with one of these people, a person recovering in body but not in spirit, and I hoped you might be able to assist me.”

More puzzled than ever, Merry said, “Well—if I can help—but I don’t quite see how.”

“You accompanied the Lady Éowyn to Minas Tirith, I believe,” she replied.

All at once, his confusion cleared. “Oh! Yes. Is she the one you’re trying to help?”

Fíriel nodded.

“I would like to help her,” he said frankly, “but I still don’t see how.”

“I know very little of her,” Fíriel told him. “I thought you might tell me more, so that I might better understand her malady, if you can without breaking her confidence.”

Merry was already nodding, now eager to comply. Despite how little he knew or understood Fíriel, he felt a sudden conviction that this gracious lady might indeed be able to help, if anyone could.

“I don’t think there were any confidences,” he said, thinking it over. “Except as Dernhelm, of course, though she still didn’t tell me.”

“Dernhelm?” said Fíriel.

“That was the name she gave when she brought me with her,” said Merry, realizing how little Fíriel—or anyone here—would know of the story. Nothing, really.

So he took a deep breath, and told her everything.

---------

Notes (LOTS OF NOTES)

1) One minute he had been watching Gandalf defend Théoden: One of the underlying ideas of the verse is that canon Faramir wouldn’t be there to exercise his vaguely supernatural command over “men and beasts” in the retreat across the Pelennor, which has multiple consequences, but one of them is that there’s no pyre preventing Gandalf from joining the battle. He suggests in LOTR that he would have been able to save people in the battle if not for the pyre.

2) “I am hungry,” he announced: much of this scene is taken from the book, but of course without Merry’s mourning of Théoden.

3) a chainmail hauberk made of some black metal, and a black surcoat over it, embroidered with the symbol of a white tree: taken from the earlier description in the book.

4) Éomer was nearly as tall, like Boromir had been: UT says Éomer was of like height with Aragorn, inheriting the trait from his Gondorian grandmother, while Boromir is described in Fellowship as only a little shorter than Aragorn. In another note, Tolkien says that Aragorn would be at least 6′6″ (so potentially even taller!) and Boromir, “of high Númenórean lineage,” 6′4″. Very tall indeed to a hobbit :)

5) he bent down to kiss the top of Merry’s head: in the book, he does kiss Merry before he goes!

6) he and the Prince were the only ones who could hold the soldiers together: one of the other consequences of no canon!Faramir to do it. The fic assumes that Denethor’s avoidance of battle wouldn’t extend to a situation where he’s probably the only person who can lead against the Witch-king/Ringwraiths (with Imrahil needed for the sortie).

7) But the same sort of person, if that makes sense: while Denethor is obviously not a Maia, we do hear in ROTK that “Pippin saw a likeness between the two,” and also that Denethor is more reminiscent of Aragorn than Boromir.

8) I like her: Pippin’s instant love for Faramir in the book is carried over to Fíriel here.

9) A bit Elvish: in ROTK, Faramir is described as “one of the Kings of Men born into a later time, but touched with the wisdom and sadness of the Elder Race”

10) you can’t help feeling that you would do anything for her: genderbent version of “he knew now why Beregond spoke his name with love. He was a captain that men would follow, that he would follow, even under the shadow of the black wings.”

11) “Did you ask for a strand of her hair?” he said: one of the things that’s always entertained me about this verse is that Pippin’s love for Faramir basically becomes a scaled-down version of Gimli’s for Galadriel.

12) they told him of their (terrible!) adventures coming to Gondor: I didn’t feel like replicating the fairly extensive conversation they have about it in the book.

13) Pippin’s young friend: Bergil does lead Merry away in the book.

14) there is someone who would like to see you: in the book, we only hear that the Warden tells Faramir that Merry would know more of Éowyn and accordingly, “Merry was sent to Faramir” and “they talked long together.”

15) She had a pretty face: Faramir is described as having a “fair face.”

16) how much it resembled Boromir’s: from ROTK—“Pippin gazing at him saw how closely he resembled his brother Boromir.”

17) She shook his in the manner of the Shire: since Fíriel isn’t in battle, I imagine that she spent a bit more time with Pippin and picked this up.

18) a pleasant smile that only deepened her resemblance to her brother: Frodo describes Boromir’s face as “fair and pleasant” in FOTR.

19) She was tall ... very tall: Faramir is described as “very tall” in TTT and elsewhere said to strikingly resemble Denethor, who was “very tall and in appearance looked like an ancient Númenorean.” Fíriel isn’t quite as towering as Faramir (who has to stoop to kiss the forehead of the tall Éowyn), but she’s still over six feet.

20) The Men of Gondor generally stood higher than the Rohirrim: this is according to UT.

21) a keen, intelligent attention: TTT—“a keen wit lay behind his searching glance.”

22) unable to escape the feeling that her clear grey eyes saw everything there was to see about him: Faramir is generally portrayed this way, but ROTK specifically says that Faramir picks up more than Merry actually says in this scene.

23) a certain gentle command in the gesture: Faramir is described as “commanding” in TTT, but also gentle throughout.

24) Not so high as Aragorn could be, but with a more constant and immediate force of personality: ROTK says Faramir has an air “such as Aragorn at times revealed, less high perhaps, yet also less incalculable and remote.”

25) “I am a healer, of sorts”: this is necessary for Fíriel to be present at all, but I also thought that a Faramir who couldn’t be a warrior would be, in some ways, freer to follow his(her) temperamental inclinations, so it seemed pretty natural for Fíriel to be a scholar/healer. It’s “of sorts” because she does have Númenórean gifts, but they’re very different from Aragorn’s kingly healing.

26) this gracious lady: Denethor accuses of Faramir of always trying to appear lordly, generous, gracious, and gentle; my interpretation is that he (and therefore Fíriel) really is those things.

#lmao it took five years to write these 3000 words #i was going to make footnotes for all the canon references but i'm too lazy rn #i'll probably go back and edit that in later though #anghraine's fic #genderbending #fíriel of minas tirith #/#//#///#meriadoc brandybuck #faramir #fíriel daughter of denethor #éowyn #peregrin took #aragorn #lord of the rings #legendarium blogging #legendarium fic

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ihatebeingalive3241 · 3 years

Text

My parents obviously dont want me here

Every fucking day of my shitty life i hear the insults. Theyre the type of family that makes you think theyre average and normal and dont emotionally abuse their child. Im 18 right now, didnt get into college because my marks were shitty and am addicted to food and video games. I tried to convince myself that this year was an off year and that id do something next year but the whole of this fucking year ive been hearing them say i didnt get into uni, im fat, im ugly, im useless, im stupid, i just eat and be lazy, im trash... the list goes on lol.

idk, my sister makes me want to die. she calls me things everyday and makes me just want to take a fucking knife and stab my neck. makes me want to make them hurt the way i am right now. i feel so privlaged to be able to have gone to a good school, have food a laptop and still be able to live with them that i think maybe its needed. maybe i am all that they say i am, i should have worked harder.

i wish i got into college. it would have been so much easier. so much fucking easier. my parents would love me and my sister would stop insulting me every second im alive.

wonder what ill do the next time they do it. i havent had an outlet to speak to anyone. i have online friends but i pretend that i am in university lol. im so fucking ashamed of myself its ridiculous. i send pictures of myself in grade 11 to them because of how much weight ive gained. i look horrendous. 90 kg and like 5′9? or 5′6 cant remember.

i hopped on here just to maybe let someone see that if you think your life is shitty compare it to this.

i want to die.

all my friends made it into college. i follow them on instagram and have been avoiding them, theyre prospering. studying business, engineering, chemistry, medicine. god they did so good. they were working hard in high school and i was lying to everyone. playing video games, listening to music, speaking to strangers online, being lazy.

wtf am i useful for. my parents made me do this course and i was enjoying it for a bit then i just wasnt. i got shit at it. stopped doing it. would spend hours taking showers to avoid it.

im as pathetic as they say.

everyone i love is leaving me, my friends are gone, grandpa is dead, grandma might die soon. whole fucking family is ashamed. theyre not afraid to say it, theyre humiliated of me and how i look and how my results from high school are. cant fucking do anything right. just sleep and hope its a bad nightmare. people have it way worse off than me but seem to do so much better.

fuck me fuck me fuck me

i hate myself iwant to die if i die today i hope they read this and see what theyve done . its my fault not theirs

#depressed

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iovnyu · 4 years

Text

happy ending (5/?)

summary: being cinderella’s daughter has many pros and cons but on top of that you are soon becoming responsible for the citizens of auradon. the first thing you do to show the citizens of your worthiness is by creating a program to bring kids from the isle of the lost, a isolated island where villains and their kids are held, onto auradon. with this new program, you undergo harsh realities and maybe a little bit of love and drama along the way, who knows?

a/n: i am still playing around with different layouts of the story lol... please bare with me through this process. i don’t really vibe with writing in notes but idk yet. also i noticed i am barely using disney references LMAO,, anyways if u want to be added into the taglist please comment

y/n was deep in thought when she walked to math class. she knew that at the end of the day, she had to pick which students deserved to go to auradon from the isle. it was hard to not be biased, she wanted all of the delinquents to come over.

“boo!” a voice jolted y/n out of her thoughts. y/n looked next to her seeing that jun was the one who scared her. “god, do you ever pay attention to your surroundings?”

“hey! i do, it’s just that my mind is too preoccupied to care about the world right now,” y/n said rolling her eyes. usually, she observed her surroundings - she had to - it was one of the unspoken rules of being a princess.

jun smiled at her, knowing that he shouldn’t pry y/n on her thoughts. they walked down the long hallway of classes, making sure to smile and wave at the teachers outside of their classrooms. “well m’ lady, time for you to go to your class. have fun.” he sang, lightly pushing her into the most boring (and useless) classroom.

y/n sighed but tried to not make it noticeable as mr. hyunh greeted the students. she walked to her seat and pulled out the supplies she needed to make her notes look pretty.

“let’s quiet down please,” mr. hyunh said over the loud chatter of the students. “take out your books and get started on the assignment.”

y/n quickly walked out of class, not wanting the pythagorean theorem to be haunting her in her sleep. as she is walking to her next class, she makes sure to walk fast because she knows that seokmin is waiting for her.

seokmin waits outside of his classroom almost every day and waits for y/n so that they can walk to history class together. it was hard to get away from any of the princes. y/n didn’t mind it though, they never left each others’ side ever since they were babies.

“let me guess,” he turned his head towards y/n, “you are stuck on which students to bring over here because you don’t want to make it look like you are playing favorites - but in reality, you know who you are going to take because you know how they would react if you didn’t pick them.”

“okay. first of all, how did you manage to speak that fast without breaking a sweat, and second, can you please stop doing that thing.” y/n never knew how he would be a moody person due to the lack of sleep to become a mind reader. she seriously needs to hide her thoughts more if she is easy to read.

“what thing!?”

“you know! that thing you do whenever i am thinking about something.” y/n huffed.

“y/n. darling. my prettiest friend. the apple to my p-”

y/n interrupted him, slapping his shoulder. “i get it. we are best friends, get to the point talking beauty.”

“nice pun. anyways, what i am trying to say is that,” he stops and turns towards y/n. “you are easy to read.”

“hey! i’m not. y-you are just an over-analyzer.” y/n argued. seokmin started to walk away from her, making sure she sees him roll his eyes. “come back here! seokmin! god, i’m going to make sure he doesn’t sleep tonight.”

after another dreadful day of school, y/n throws herself on her bed. seokmin, mingyu and jun make themselves cozy in their own way in her room. “y/n, don’t sleep too long. remember you have that meeting with the council today.” jun reminded.

y/n dragged herself off of her bed and towards her wardrobe. “look at what they are making me wear! it’s just like an hour meeting and i have to wear such a dramatic outfit.” she whined.

“y/n. the press is going to be there! and to remind you, you are going to announce the program, so obviously you have to make a statement with what you wear. you have to make sure you look like you know what you are doing!” mingyu reasoned from your couch.

even if he did have a point, y/n wouldn’t admit it. she never liked the outfits her stylist made her wear for meetings. it never showed y/n’s true personality, it just made her look like a boring person. don’t get her wrong, she loved the outfits that were made for daily wear and fancy events - it’s just plain.

“think of it this way, you still have like maybe two to three hours left until the meeting. you’ll do your homework, put on the outfit, head to the meeting that will last an hour, then you can take off the clothes and never look at it again!” jun smiled, gently squeezing your shoulders.

“it’s not the outfit that is making me dread the meeting. it’s the reactions i will get from the citizens of auradon. heck! the whole royal court!” y/n put her head in her hands, trying not to think of the many bad results of the people.

jun turned his head to the other two in the room only to be met with shrugs. “uhm. well if you think of it that way, i don’t have an answer for you. but even if they do get mad and disagree,” y/n looked up at jun. “-at the end of the day, it is you who believes in those kids. you have us, we will be by your side and i know for a fact that we do believe what you want to do will have a great outcome.”

“yeah. i mean you are barely a princess, can you imagine how it would be like when you are queen?!” mingyu said, agreeing with jun.

seokmin flicked the back of mingyu’s head, “what he means is that this is only just one bump in the road. don’t stress about it.”

y/n nodded, “okay, yeah. you are right. i can’t have this stopping me. but what is stopping me is my homework.” the boys laughed, getting their homework out of their bag.

when y/n laid out her homework on her bed, she sighed. it was too much for her brain to handle. she looked at jun laying out his books and noticed something written in small print on his palm. “hey, what is that?” y/n asked.

“hmm? what is what?”

“that.” y/n leaned closer to jun, pointing at his palm. it was a little sentence that said, ‘make sure to ask her!!!’

jun laughed nervously, frantically wiping his palm on his pants. at this point he didn’t care if his pants got dirty. “that is nothing. i just- i put it there to remind myself to ask ms. lin about a test. nothing else. yeah...”

y/n nodded her head, believing what he said. mingyu and seokmin had looked at jun and then at each other, knowing exactly who ‘her’ meant. seokmin made a mental note to ask jun about it later.

turning to their assignments, they immediately started on it. y/n’s first mistake was grabbing her english homework. usually, it was math that was hard, but shakespeare was harder to understand. there were too many complicated words that made no sense, the story wasn’t interesting and there weren’t any signs of pictures.

jun noticed y/n’s frustration and laughed. y/n looked up at him, giving him puppy eyes. “oh. oh no. no, definitely not.” jun shook his head, not daring to look at her.

y/n slumped in her bed and pretended to be sad. she knew what she was doing, she always does this and jun always falls for it. “y/n.”

y/n continued to ignore him, sighing loudly. mingyu and seokmin dismissed her behavior, already used to this encounter. “...fine. what subject are you doing?”

y/n immediately smiled and gave jun her book. “it’s macbeth by shakespeare. we have to analyze the story. i don’t get it. can you please help me?”

jun sighed, nodding his head. even though he hates doing this, deep down he knows that he secretly is okay with it. mingyu and seokmin shake their heads, it’s a known fact - whenever you do homework, be as far away as possible from y/n or else you’ll regret it.

finally, after two hours, they were done with their homework. y/n knew that the next thing she has to do is get ready. “okay, i’m going to go get changed, so please don’t mess up my room.”

y/n carefully grabbed the clothes off of the hanger and carried it to the restroom. as she put on the outfit, she decided that it did not look bad after all. “guys, should i do my hair also?” she screamed from inside the restroom.

“depends. do you want a boss lady look or fresh out of the womb type of look?” seokmin screamed back.

“dude, you don’t make sense.” jun shot seokmin a confused face.

“i don’t know. does this outfit need anything else? should i just go like this?” y/n say coming out of the restroom. she did a little twirl showing off how it looked.

“uhh... i think you look fine just like that. if you do too much you would look like a try-hard.” mingyu eyed y/n, making sure she looked put together.

y/n nodded and straighten her posture in the mirror. she was thankful she had the boys’ opinions - although she would appreciate a girl’s opinion in case the boys were lying to her.

jun, mingyu and seokmin had finished their homework while y/n was changing. they all put on their bags, checking to see if they left anything behind. “okay y/n. remember be relax. don’t stress, you got this princess!” jun walked up to y/n and hugged her.

y/n pursed her lips together and gave a smile to them. one by one they left her room, leaving her to pace back and forth. she had started to rethink things as she went over her notes on what to say. she was caught up in her thoughts, not noticing her chauffeur waiting for her in her doorway.

“ma’am. sorry to interrupt, but we have to head to the meeting now.”

y/n nodded and quickly grabbed her belongings. she followed him through the long corridors of the castle and into the garage where a suv waited for her. she took a deep breath and stepped inside. let’s hope all goes well.

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shootingcookielover · 4 years

Text

I did a thing

I couldn't stop myself so I wrote some Royaliceit angst/comfort

Is that the correct terminology-

Anyway. Description:

Deceit is sick of Patton lying to himself and Roman pops in at some point, too, because he was around and heard crying.

I'm bad at descriptions. Or summaries. Or whatever they're called.

Warnings: Uh, Idk. Patton thinks badly about himself and there's like some impersonation and a bit of mean lying from Deceit? I'm also bad at Warnings, apparently. If you notice anything, tell me and I'll put it here.

Characters: Patton, Deceit, Roman and Deceit kinda shapeshifts into Virgil and Logan at one point, uh, Remus is mentioned

Pairings: Royaliceit but maybe not quite? It's not really an official relationship at this point, I guess it's platonic? Honestly don't know at what point a relationship goes from platonic to romantic

Hope you enjoy! Hope it's not too bad!

Patton sank down on his bed.

He didn’t like this. None of this. His room was too empty, too quiet, too… him.

It reflected him too much, bounced his emotions right back at him, it was like the room took his head and shoved his face into everything Patton didn’t want to think about.

The first tear fell unnoticed.

He was useless, he was making Thomas feel bad. He was making everything worse, he was annoying and stupid and- and-

Everyone hated him!

The second tear was quickly wiped from his face as he stood up. He didn’t feel like sitting anymore, there was a restlessness in his legs that brought him to the mirror on the wall. Pictures were clipped onto it, held aloft by magnets.

Pictures of him and his famILY.

Of Roman and Logan and Virgil. Of days spent together laughing. Having fun.

Patton bit his lip, trying to stifle the sobs wanting to escape him.

He was fine. Just one look at the pictures confirmed it; his life was great, he had no right to be upset.

His famILY loved him, he loved them. They were famILY.

Even a look into the mirror itself was enough to come to the conclusion; Patton was fine. Happy-pappy Patton!

He was smiling after all, and those tears could only be happy ones!

Because he was okay. His life was too good to be upset about things.

His hands curled into fists nonetheless. A quiet hiccup left his throat and this time he bit down on his fist to stifle the sound.

He was fine!

“You know, before I couldn’t do much, but now?”

Patton whirled around. Deceit was sitting on his bed, one leg crossed over the other.

“I am capable of so much more.”, the lying side stood up in one fluid motion.

He reminded Patton much more of a snake, in moments like these.

The moral side stumbled back, hitting the mirror behind him and wincing in light pain as Deceit advanced towards him. There was something predatory about the way the lying side moved.

So deliberate and calm, as if he knew his prey was trapped and he was only playing around, waiting for it to tire itself out before striking.

“W- what do you mean?”, Patton choked out. His emotions were surrounding him like a tornado, an invisible force that tore him apart from the inside.

Fear was the most prevalent at the moment.

Deceit stopped when he was barely an inch away from Patton.

The lying side might not have been as tall as the moral one, but the dangerous glint in his eyes, the menacing shine of his scales and the threatening length of his canines was enough to make Patton feel as though Deceit were towering over him.

“Your lies, Patton.”, Deceit replied. His voice was smooth as always, slick and easy to fall for. “They reek. I’ve been smelling them for so long now...”

Deceit reached up and Patton could feel himself freeze up. The fear made his heart beat faster, the terror in his eyes was overwhelming.

But all the lying side did, was push a stray strand of hair behind Patton’s ear, careful not to upset his glasses.

“But I can finally come forward. My dearest Patton, whyever do you feel the need to lie to yourself?”

The moral side had no time to respond as Deceit stepped back, just enough that Patton felt he could breath again.

“And, perhaps more importantly, to your oh so precious family?”

For the first time since he’d appeared, Deceit’s eyes strayed from Patton to the pictures on the mirror behind him. There was a small crease forming between the lying side’s eyebrows and Patton almost wanted to reach out and smooth it down. Almost.

“W- what are you talking about?”, Patton asked, forcing as much cheer into his voice as he could. It still came out shaky, but it was convincing enough in his opinion. “I don’t- I’d never lie to my kiddos!”

Suddenly Deceit was so close to him again. His face was almost touching the moral sides.

Patton could see the lying sides forked tongue, flicking out, as if to taste the air. The frown on Deceit’s face was easier to see now.

“Don’t”, he hissed, before seemingly getting himself back under control. “You can’t lie to me, Patton.”

The hand was back again, this time laying gently against Patton’s cheek.

The moral side wanted to lean into it, to fall forward and be comforted, but this was Deceit.

Patton batted away the hand. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, kiddo.”

Deceit backed up again, some more this time, leaving Patton enough space to step away from the mirror.

“Of course you don’t.”, the lying side sneered. “Because you’re happy, aren’t you, Patton?”

The moral side startled as he heard Virgil’s voice and saw not the snake but his strange, dark son. “What are you-“

“I may not know about emotions or have any, for that matter, but I will assist you however I can.”, this time it was Logan and it looked so wrong, seeing him slither closer, like the venomous snake Deceit was.

“Padre, you look positively horrible! What happened?! Is there a fiend in need of slaying?!”, Roman stood so close to Patton, he could see the red dots in his green eyes.

The tears were back and Patton choked down a sob. “S- stop-!”

“You know you can tell us everything, right?”, Deceit was so close.

He looked and sounded so much like Virgil.

Another choked sob freed itself from Patton’s throat.

“I- I know!”, the statement almost sounded broken. Patton’s eyes sank closed, tears still running free. “I- I’m s-sorry! I didn’t… I didn’t want to lie to you!”

He knew he was being dumb, that it was just Deceit in the room with him, but the admission felt so, so good, like a weight being lifted from his shoulders.

His eyes slowly opened again, though he didn’t dare look at Deceit. “…I didn’t want to burden you with my… my problems.”

A quiet sigh and there was again a hand, on Patton’s shoulder this time. “Your problems could never be a burden to us, Padre! Don’t you know that? We care about you. You’re important to us. We want to help you.”

The moral side felt his chest constrict. He looked at Roman with mistrust in his eyes, yet such a desperate need to believe what the creative side was saying.

Except it wasn’t the creative side.

It was Deceit.

Patton gave a wet laugh, pushing through his tears. He wiped them quickly. “Y- you’ve i- improved, Deceit!”, he complimented, trying to hold onto some form of composure.

Patton sniffed, wiping at his face some more.

Roman looked confused. Then he glanced over his shoulder.

Patton followed the gaze and found… Deceit.

In all his glory standing behind them. He was leaning against the wall, a bitter smirk on his lips. He gave Patton a tiny wave.

“B- but-“, Patton sputtered, his eyes focused on Roman again.

The creative side smiled. “It’s actually me, Padre.”

The tears were back.

The moral side slumped forward against Roman, burying his head in the creative side’s shoulder.

Roman threaded his hand through Patton’s hair carefully. “Why did you lie to us, Patton?”, the creative side asked, voice low. “We want to help you, but we can’t if you don’t talk to us.”

Patton sniffled. His eyes were closed again and his glasses were pressing against his face uncomfortably. At this point they were probably so smudged he wouldn’t be able to see anything even if he did open his eyes.

“My… my life is good.”, the moral side mumbled, holding onto Roman for dear life. “I- I shouldn’t- I don’t- I can’t have problems! I- I h- have it s- so much better than- than others and yet—“, Patton stopped himself, instead breaking out into more sobs.

Roman hushed him quietly, rubbing soothing circles into his back. “It’s okay, Patton.”, he reassured. “You can have problems. Your problems aren’t any less valid than other people’s. It’s okay.”

The two of them somehow ended up on Patton’s bed with the moral side in Roman’s lap.

Just as the moral side managed to calm down a little, Deceit spoke up again.

“Well then.”, the lying side said, “I accomplished what I came here to do. See you never.”

He was about to sink out, when Patton cried: “Wait!”

Deceit stopped mid-sink-out. He raised one eyebrow at the moral side. “What? Any other lies you need me to coax out of you?”

Patton was still busily wiping his face, but there was a blush slowly creeping up his neck. “N- no… I just… wanted to thank- thank you.”

“Ah, well, if that’s everything.”, Deceit took off his hat, showing beautiful, curly brown hair, and bowed. “It was my pleasure. Now-“

“Deceit?”, Patton cut off. He had scooted down from Roman’s lap who was watching the exchange curiously. “D- do you… uhm…”, Patton was blushing harder now.

“Do I what, Patton? As much as I enjoy uncovering lies, I do have a tight schedule.”

“A- ah, then maybe not…”, the moral side conceded, head low, eyes averted.

Roman shot Deceit a look. The creative side gestured at Patton and the lying side had hung around Remus enough to understand it meant: “What are you doing you moron you’re being a socially inept asshole again!”

Deceit sighed. He wanted to help, he really did, but the ‘light sides’ (delightful name) simply didn’t make any sense to him. Sure he could replicate their mannerisms, but why they acted like that in the first place? He had never been able to grasp it.

“Fine. Patton, what is it. As it turns out my schedule just cleared up.”

Patton shook his head. “N- no, if you have something else-“

Deceit cut him off. “Patton, just tell me. I’m here because I don’t want to help and you’re not making it difficult at all.”

Roman shot him another glare, but Deceit ignored the creative side in favor of Patton who looked up at him almost shyly.

“O- okay, if- if you w-want to… m-maybe… could you… stayhereandcuddlewithus?”

Patton squeezed his eyes shut, anxious about Deceit’s answer. He’d asked.

The lying side was sure to turn him down, to call him a weirdo and sink out.

A hand was placed under Patton’s chin. His head was lifted gently and the moral side’s eyes met the bewildered ones of Deceit.

“You want to cuddle with me?”, he asked.

“Y-yeah, I mean…”, Patton tried his best to avoid looking into the other’s eyes, which was hard considering their proximity. “Y-you have s-six arms right? So y- you must be am- amazing at cuddles and- and also you’re a snake and snakes need heat right, so I thought it made sense-“

He was rambling. The moral side cut himself off as soon as he realized, chancing a glance at Deceit.

The lying side looked even more baffled, but slowly, a smile worked it’s way onto his face. “I would hate to cuddle with you.”

Patton beamed at Deceit and immediately surged forward, wrapping his arms around the other side’s torso. His face was smushed against the lying side’s shirt and his glasses were really in the way now.

“Splendid!”

Roman tackle-hugged the other two sides.

Somehow the three of them ended up laying on Patton’s bed. Deceit was in the middle with Roman and Patton snuggling up to him.

Patton had been right; the six arms were incredible at cuddling.

The moral side in question had fallen asleep by now, his glasses securely on a nearby nightstand.

Roman, meanwhile, was still awake. He looked up at Deceit with an almost confused gaze, though it was interlaced by something akin to awe.

The lying side’s eyes moved from Patton to Roman. “Something wrong?”

His voice was even more wonderful when he talked so low, a soothing deep rumble that made Roman feel much better than he had in a while. “No.”, the creative side admitted.

He was still staring up at Deceit who raised an eyebrow.

“Well then why aren’t you staring?”

Roman huffed, a content smile on his face. He himself was on the cusp of falling asleep, his eyes already drooping, though he didn’t want them to.

“You’re just so beautiful.”

The creative side didn’t see or hear Deceit’s reaction.

Roman and Patton awoke the next morning to only each other.

Confused, Patton sat up, rubbing his eyes. “Where’s Deceit?”

Roman yawned and stretched. He hadn’t slept this good in a while. “Dunno. He did say he had a tight schedule, I suppose.”

Patton sighed. “He’s a great cuddler.”

Roman nodded wistfully. “Yeah.”

#Sanders Sides #Royaliceit #Deceit sanders #Roman sanders #Patton sanders #Fanfiction #Cuddles #Crying #Tags are weird n hard

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fagderolo · 5 years

Text

i wanna try n make a psd fr colors n i know part of it is procrastination but. hhbh. photos shops

#molly.txt #text #i cant do real people things i got threatened to get kicked out bc i cant like #motivate myself enough to even clean? idk why. like mayb ei am just lazy! but #its like bad. and my mother is very angry at me.#all prompted bc i said i didnt have enough room #like to do things bc i dont have a desk #n she misinterpreted n was like move out if u need more room #n then asked if id gotten trash off my floor which i Did but there has #since been more trash. but if i say that i sound like im lying #and it sounded like iw as anyway so like whatever its a moot point #not my fault i cant not get nervous n stutter when confronted w authority #and im a useless member of society #but yknow at least im sorta mediocre at photoshop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#neg #hhh this turned out rambly

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someone-always-cares · 4 years

Photo

[image description: a q&a for the webcomic someone always cares. full desc under the cut because its long and wordy sorry]

post chapter 3 Q&A

first - previous - next

thanks for yalls questions!! it was fun to answer! if anyone still has questions feel free to ask whenever i am always 100% down to ramble. even if i did go slightly off topic in some answers

additional: went off topic with the hair question a bit. their bright hair is all part of the transformations. regular hair dye does exist though. best way to tell is that if the eyebrow matches the hair its probably not dyed. also, quartz’s hair is naturally ginger.

also for more on ages, check out the character bios here

also was gonna keep this in the tags but thought i might as well actually try to answer it: the question i found it hardest to answer was someone the song one. my taste in music is. a mess really. ive been listening to like the same 5 songs on repeat all day. more under the cut because i was rambling again and now its uhhh half 1am

if it helps at the time of answering that specific question i had home by cavetown on repeat, and that song reminds me of both rami and lewis. but that may be because i project onto those two a lot, and as a aro trans dude. who sucks with people skills, yeah of course i love that song.

specifically the vibes of like not knowing how to communicate (rami is fine with his friends but other people are different), the lines “ Turn off your porcelain face, I can't really think right now and this place, Has too many colors, enough to drive all of us insane” idk what the porcelain face line is supposed to mean but im picturing it as like. a mask. that you need to take off and stop hiding and rami does tend to hide when hes feeling upset, and the next two lines kinda could tie into that, like the feeling of when youre overwhelemed and just want the world to stop so you just hide somewhere. also the colours could go with chapter 3 with the chromatic abberation.

also the bit with “ my eyes went dark, I don't know where, my pupils are, But I'll figure out a way to get us out of here” just kinda sums up ramis whole hero thing with his powers and all. anyway this has turned into less what songs rami would like and why this particular song reminds me of him and lewis (lewis specifically has the hair cutting/chest hiding, [big transmasc mood], and also messy haired trainwreck who doesnt know who he is yet. also the ghosts bit)

i did end up picking upbeat songs because ramis a dude who like to try and be upbeat even if things arent. even if hes not really feeling it he will pretend to.

[full description: Anonymous said to someone-always-cares: “hi ily!!! do characters like quartz who have colored hair have that naturally or did they dye it?”

“its both natural and not! while most supers can do a magical girl ish transformation, including a change in hair colour, there are some exceptions.”

theres two small full body drawings of rami, one in civilian clothes, one fully transformed.

“if a superhero were to have a biological child, the child will inherit the powers of the parent(s). however, the child will not inherit the full transfromation. they do inherit any physical transformations, but not the outfit.”

theres a drawing of a woman in blue, quartz’s mother, fully transformed, holding her mask in her hand, smiling down at a much younger quartz as a child. hes smiling back up at her with the same blue eyes, pointy ears, and blue hair, but hes still in normal clothes.

“in the case of quartz, both of hisparents had superpowers, and he inherited those powers and the physical transformations.he can also pick and mix whatphysical traits to change.“

next is a headshot of adult quartz, his face split down the middle with one side having hair and eye like his mother, the other like his father. theres a list of traits from each parents, blue hair and eyes and pointy ears from his mum, and purple hair and eyes and pointy teeth from their dad.

“Anonymous said to someone-always-cares: Are all the characters the same age? If not, how old are they? Are they irl friends or just superhero friends?”

theres some headshots of rami and his team lined up with ages labelled: cam is 15, rami himself is 17, lin, mateo, and dante, are all 18, and cap is 20.

“rami and xandra were somewhat friends before she got superpowers, so when, after the incident with her old team, she found rami had developed powers, xandra stuck close to him. their other teamates started off as superhero friends but soon turned into irl friends too”

theres a headshot of lewis and jade. theyre both 17

“when lewis first decided to start being a vigilante,jade quickly found him and decided to help train himand offered to be a mentor of sorts, as they both have similar powers. that quickly derailed.”

“ cinder5555 said to someone-always-cares: How long does it usually take to make a comic page? I'm curious because they're so freaking good that they must take FOREVER”

theres a drawing of myself, a fluffy hair tired bastard in a hoodie, smiling

“Thanks! Ive been doing this shit since like 2017 and i still have no idea how long it takes me. i can get a page done in a day if i have nothing else to do or if its a simple page, but if i have work then maybe 2-3 days? i spend like, most of my free time doing this.“

another drawing of me, now looking frustrated muttering “how the FUCK does time work”

“but i can never do it all on one sitting.i will inevitably get distracted and zone out daydreaming mid drawing so its very hard to get an accurate read on how long it takes. so however long a piece of string is i guess“

the only qustion not from tumblr is a discord message from RuneStone Cabin:

“Q: Can you talk about the incidence of superpowers in this world? Like many people are supers, which powers are more or less common, how long they've been a thing for, stuff like that. Also does Omen know I'd die for them “

theres a drawing of omen pointing at a date circled on a calender marked “decembuary”, theyre saying “i know. i already wrote your death in my calender.”

then a giant wall of text reading: “Supers have only existed for a relativly short time, since the early 1940s. momento mori was the second person to have ever gained powers.

Only a small number of the population are supers! the chances are higher in more populated cities, but unusally london has oneof the higher percentages of supers. while nobody in universe has any idea of the origins of superpowers, it does seem that powers are more likely to occur in people who would actually use their powers.

as for what powers are most common, after making a badly catagorized spreadsheet of every superpowered character ive made for this world (70% of which will probably never even be seen), turns out that elemental powers are the most common. although not all elemental powers manifest as the straight up 'controling this element' as seen in characters like lin or tsunami. for example, iris's powers would fall under shadow elemntal powers, but theyre a lot more weird that just controlling shadows.there are some abilities that have never been seen before,such as ressurection or full on time travel (aka anything that could bring a character back to life), but powers are certainly allowed to toe the line eg healing, powers involving undeath, immortality, pausing or manipulating time.

aside from that, anything goes. you could get plain old superstrength, but you could also get the ability to create dogs with your mind. other not quite rules, more guidelines are that supers are immune to their own powers hurting them (unless they were pushing themselves too hard), although the way the imminuties occur may be inconvinient to the super.

while some powers may be 'more powerful' than others, powers dont really get to be way underpowered or overpowered in comparision to others. sure being able to talk to animals may feel a bit useless compared to someone who can lift 4 tanks at once, but nobodys going to end up with a power like 'can turn into a goose but only once' or 'can grow toenails twice as fast' or 'if i sneeze i can change my hair colour'. at the same time, youre not going to get someone with the power to snap their fingers and level a city, or instantly blow up the moon or whatever.

“Anonymous said to someone-always-cares: I love rami PLEASE tell me his favorite song(s) and why. I will die for you”

a drawing of rami saying out loud “i dont really have any specific favourite song, really? i just listen to whatever sounds catchy and then listen to that on repeat for hours until i hate it. i guess i do like upbeat songs? ones that make you feel happy even if the lyrics are sad”

“ un1c0rnhh said to someone-always-cares: tell me,,, please,, cam,,, are they a cat person or a dog person?? ily"

theres a drawing of cam a metre away from a cat lying down. she has her arm out and is making ‘psspsspss’ noises at it. end id]

FUCK i am so glad i didnt hand write all of that, it would have been a major pain in the ass to write it all and then have to transcribe all that next. but nope i could directly copy paste the asks and word answers. cheers if anyone made it this far down. if anyone wonders why this is uploaded late, you know now.

#sac #someone always cares #sorry to my friends i rambled to about the previosly mentioned attempt at catagorizing powers #i made a fucking spreadsheet and everything #it was awful #also it probably obvious but i still have yet to download the font i use to this computer #did i ever mention what i named the font when i made it #because its called 'dicks out for the void' or something #it was funny back in mid/late 2017 ok

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punkscowardschampions · 4 years

Text

Jac & Amelia

Jac: Which talk are you going to tomorrow? I can't decide between the humanities and the science ones, because I need them both Jac: Idk why they're on at the same time 🙄 Amelia: Humanities Jac: That makes sense for you Jac: Ugh...oh! Jac: Sav will have to go to one, I'll go to the other and we'll take notes Jac: that will have to do, I talked to Sir and he REFUSES to reschedule, even though he said my point was fair ??? 🤷😒 Amelia: crisis averted Jac: Something like that Jac: maybe we could voice record Jac: have to be sat practically on the speaker though 🤭 Amelia: Sir wouldn't refuse you that Jac: 😷 Jac: I'll come to humanities with you if you like Amelia: I'll be in the back Jac: Come on Jac: that isn't even 😎 now Amelia: neither am I Jac: Why are you acting like you're too cool to sit with me then? Amelia: I don't care about the talk tomorrow Amelia: I probably won't even go Jac: you'll get done if you don't tick off at least one Amelia: they can't punish me for being off sick Jac: you skiver Amelia: if you want me to send you the pics of me on the bathroom floor right now, I will Jac: You're actually sick Jac: bummer Amelia: I look forward to reading more of that on the get well card attached to my 💐 Jac: Don't be so dramatic Jac: what have you got, that cold that's going 'round? Jac: you need to take [these] vitamins Amelia: no Jac: 🤮💩 then Jac: so fluids Amelia: are you done? Jac: There's no need to be snippy Amelia: I can take care of myself Jac: So you want flowers but not anything of actual use Jac: what is up with you right now? Amelia: I don't want flowers, it was clearly a joke Jac: Hilarious, babe Amelia: you'd think so if it came out of his mouth Jac: Who's? Jac: Sirs? Amelia: you're really going to do this? Jac: Do what? Jac: Pursue head of English? Jac: because no, oddly enough Amelia: they don't have the budget for 🌹 it goes on 📚 Jac: So that's what you're on about Jac: my date with Connell Amelia: it's not my fault you've already blocked it out Jac: Why would I have blocked it out? Jac: I had a nice time, thanks for asking Amelia: I literally will never ask Jac: Well that's really nice isn't it Amelia: that's what you keep Is around for Amelia: tell her the gory details Jac: I'm keeping you around because you're meant to be my friends Jac: what the hell Amelia: yeah, that's what I'm meant to be Jac: Say what you mean to say, Meels Jac: you've started now Amelia: no, I think I'm done now actually Amelia: with this Jac: you're actually serious Amelia: if you're serious, then yeah Jac: This is really immature Jac: I go on one date and you don't want to be my friend anymore, seriously Amelia: I can't be mature about it, happy for you, whatever the fuck else you want Jac: Thanks Jac: glad that I mean that little to you Amelia: you mean that much to me Jac: There's nothing wrong with him Amelia: I already feel like I'm dying, I can't listen to your bullet points of his pros Jac: What is wrong with you, why haven't you said? Amelia: because it'll only make me feel worse Jac: I'm not doing this to make you feel bad Amelia: I know Jac: I like boys, I'm sorry Amelia: what do you want me to say? Jac: I know you don't, it's okay Jac: but I can't be that Jac: for you Amelia: it's not okay because you are that for me Amelia: I can't pretend you're not Jac: there will be another person Jac: who can Amelia: you don't know that Jac: of course I do Jac: you're lovely and beautiful and funny Jac: any girl would be lucky to date you Amelia: if I just wanted to date any girl, I would Jac: I can't be gay Jac: there's nothing I can do to make you feel better, is there Amelia: just leave me alone Amelia: because I can't ask you how your date went, it's never going to be something we can gossip about Jac: that doesn't matter Amelia: that makes it worse Amelia: if you think it doesn't matter and we can tip toe around it Jac: no, I didn't mean it like that Jac: I meant the date Jac: I don't need to talk about it, or any dates Amelia: even if you don't, they're still happening Jac: well just Jac: ignore it Jac: you were the one that wanted to go back to before Amelia: I can't ignore it, it's making me sick Jac: you say I mean something to you but now you can't even be my friend Amelia: maybe I couldn't ever and never was Amelia: I don't know anymore Jac: that's bullshit Jac: we were friends, why are you saying this Amelia: I was in love with you Amelia: am Jac: but Jac: how long Amelia: I don't know Jac: we can't Amelia: we won't Jac: you will Jac: not me Amelia: I have to walk away now Jac: I have to let you Amelia: I guess you get custody of Is, she's too boy crazy to go with me Jac: She can decide herself Jac: you can decide what you tell her, I won't say anything Amelia: I wouldn't know where to begin Jac: you aren't going to tell her Jac: you know, the truth Amelia: you know me, I only tell people things I want them to know Amelia: why would I want her to know that it was all fake and wrong? Jac: it wasn't fake Jac: but I understand why you wouldn't want to, I can think of something, that doesn't make you look bad in any kind of way Jac: if you'd like Amelia: what else would you call years of memories not being what you thought they were Jac: it all still happened Amelia: Yeah but what I thought was going to happen next didn't Amelia: and that makes me doubt the rest and myself Jac: yeah Jac: that is Jac: horrible Jac: if there was something I could do, I know that's useless to say Amelia: it's not your fault or on you to try and fix Amelia: I did this to myself Amelia: Is wouldn't understand, I don't even Jac: it feels like it is Jac: it's Jac: even if I was Jac: I couldn't be the sort of girlfriend you'd deserve Amelia: please don't Amelia: I don't want you to feel bad, I literally want the opposite Jac: but I'm serious Jac: I didn't even listen to a word Connell said, I barely laughed at any of his jokes Jac: I'm just awful Jac: it's okay to do that to a boy but I wouldn't want to treat you like that Amelia: it wouldn't be okay if a boy treated you like I have either Amelia: we're probably even Jac: There's some really nice girls that are out now Amelia: I know you're trying to help me but stop Jac: okay Amelia: I can't do it Jac: who are you going to go 'round with at school though Jac: what are you going to do Amelia: fuck school, it's transition year Jac: Oh, Amelia Jac: I feel sick Amelia: me too Jac: does your mum hate me Amelia: of course not Amelia: she can't hate you for liking boys if she doesn't hate me for not Jac: I knew she would never not love you Jac: no matter what Amelia: I was never worried about my parents either Amelia: I think they knew before me anyway Jac: That's important Jac: and makes me feel a bit better Amelia: maybe they'll homeschool me and people can think I'm weird for something that actually is Jac: would you like that? Amelia: not really Amelia: my mum's less annoying, she's still a lot Jac: yeah Jac: loads of people want to be your friend Jac: you'll get taken in by someone so fast Amelia: maybe but I'll be okay if not Amelia: no need to be Savannah-ish about it Jac: I'd hate it Amelia: you don't have to worry about it Jac: I hope so Amelia: trust me Jac: Is might go with you Amelia: I don't think so Jac: Is this real? Amelia: Yeah Amelia: it'll feel like it when I ruin the best friends forever thing without giving her a good reason why, she'll probably never shut up about it Jac: I don't care about her Jac: no offence Jac: I mean us Jac: not being best friends forever Amelia: that's real too Jac: right Amelia: I'm really sorry Jac: it's not your fault Jac: it's just how it has to be Amelia: I don't know what else to do Jac: no, you have to Jac: it's right for you Amelia: or I've got this wrong too Jac: you have to try Jac: you can't keep feeling bad Amelia: I'll try then Jac: I will too Jac: with leaving you be Amelia: you can take your humanities notes, I'm staying home Amelia: my mum is making me Jac: that's probably for the best too Amelia: I must look how I feel Jac: you have to believe it'll get easier Amelia: that's like the slogan Jac: just keep repeating it until it feels real Amelia: that sounds too much like something Savannah would do Jac: maybe she has a point Amelia: never Jac: 😏 Amelia: I have to go, mum's being dramatic about me lying on the floor Jac: feel better and stay safe Jac: promise Amelia: I promise not to pull any dangerous crap but I don't know how to feel better Jac: dangerous but not deadly then Amelia: 😏 if that's your audition for the dramatic one now I've gone, it was great, but it isn't me who gets the final say Jac: it means a lot coming from you Amelia: obviously Jac: See you around Amelia: or not Jac: alright Jac: sorry Amelia: you'll be at uni before you know it, you're always saying it's just around the corner Jac: so will you Jac: we all will Jac: it's still too far away Amelia: I know Amelia: tomorrow feels too far away for me after today Jac: I know what you mean Amelia: anyway Amelia: my mum's not talking to hear herself speak, apparently Jac: go on Jac: don't keep her waiting Amelia: 🏃

#:(

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jukemaid · 4 years

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man i want to make one of those monochrome deep comics about my life experiences as far as mental health goes but it would take a long time and i am extremely impatient. shit just the dialogue would take a long time when i could make a fuckin uhh. flowchart. timeline

RLY LONG RLY RLY LONG AND IT DOESN’T EVEN COVER EVERYTHING IT JUST SCRAPES THE IMPORTANT BITS OFF HEED THE TAGS YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

idk why i wrote this. maybe it’ll help someone’s perspective. maybe it’ll help someone finally reach out. information is everything and i have plenty to share.

baby juke (undiagnosed adhd-i)

14 years: traumatic event took place

14-17: immediate fallout from trauma in school performance plummeting, developing severe anxiety and outright panic and depression manifesting in physical illnesses. my attendance looked like swiss cheese. my childhood doctor, who refused to test me for adhd given my young age during the mid to late 90s when the big adhd trend happened, stopped trying to help me with these problems and told my mom they were “in my head.” she was right in the way she didn’t intend and i stopped seeing her. i began planning my suicides at age 16 and did not intend to live to see graduation or adulthood.

17: against all odds i graduated.

18-19: psychological abuse at home worsened. i still struggle with words like “lazy,” “useless,” and “worthless” since they were all used as frequent descriptions of me from my dad. i never received proper help for any of my mental issues and had to scramble around blindly myself through phone call after phone call for someone who could help me, because my parents never did. they never believed me. i found a dual counselor/psych who ultimately wasn’t what i needed, but she did get me on some meds i’m still on to this day. i took clonazepam daily for years. don’t do this.

20-23: i don’t remember these years. isolation and escapism. it’s a huge gap. i lived on my friends’ couch for six months at the tail end of it because i couldn’t handle the abuse at home any longer. i was eventually forced back by their landlord’s reaction to me being there.

23: after some attempts and switching positions i had a job that i genuinely liked, and while it wasn’t the best pay or hours, i was content enough. this is where my physical issues really took their hold and that’s a timeline for another day because it needs its own focus. tldr it resulted in physical disability bc of my spine being the wrong shape and poor poor joints. that said my mental state deteriorated over time and overwork, not enough sleep, not enough actual care or treatment.

23: eventually i broke under pressure from this and family problems and went to the ER. after spending 8 hours in the designated “danger to self” guarded room i was traumatized by yet another event taking place in the ER that i witnessed that i still can’t talk about. the county mental health person diagnosed me with major depressive disorder and dysthymia and admitted me into therapy the following monday.

23: after two sessions with my new therapist i was diagnosed with severe adhd-i and sent to a psychiatrist. my parents told me i was lying to my therapist and not telling her everything, which consisted of how i wasn’t doing anything to help myself. i wasn’t getting better fast enough to their specifications which meant it was my fault, just as it had been all my life. and just like all those other times, i was too broken mentally and empty emotionally to care. therapy was a bandiad. it helped but it did not fix.

februrary 14th, 2018: something very specific happened in the country that caused significant media attention. i don’t know why this one instance was what finally did me in compared to all the others, but this was the single day that changed everything. that brought back all the trauma from a decade ago in full force, and destroyed me so utterly as a person that whoever i was before this day was completely snuffed out from existence, and they are still dead and gone. like a switch flipped. instantaneous. i have never been the same.

may 8th, 2018: on my mother’s birthday she attended therapy with me after a meltdown i had at home in front of both my parents. she told my therapist she thought i had created my own fears and made myself so paranoid based on what i saw online. my therapist listened to her and then told her outright that she had gone through her superior to get both permission to advance in treatment as well as put my diagnosis into formal record.

on my mother’s birthday in 2018 i was diagnosed with ptsd. i began cognitive processing therapy the next week.

24: i was no longer the person i was the year prior. after six to eight months in cpt... i was significantly improved. my mind was never the same and i would have to live the rest of my life with my ptsd for how deeply it changed me on a fundamental level, but i was better. i could breathe. my anti-psychotics helped my insomnia and psychosis. while i was still afraid and easily triggered, i was less paranoid. the nightmares became less frequent. i struggled and continue to struggle with overstimulation and agoraphobia.

25: after having both successful graduation from cpt and confirmation of physical disability, my situation at home improved. i was more stable, though still severely emotionally unhealthy and sometimes walked on eggshells. i began to be able to eat again and gained back some of the severe weight loss i endured (which ultimately caused gallstone issues so severe i needed emergency surgery to have the whole thing removed). i began to enjoy things again and it was easier to shake off the bad. i outright stopped being suicidal.

26: i am back on my parents’ insurance due to disability. i’ve been slacking on getting back into therapy but i haven’t needed it, nor have i had it, in months. i am better off than i have been in my entire life and it was all thanks to the horrific ptsd diagnosis that got me the help i really needed. i struggle every single day with everything i do, yes, but it’s easier. i’m happier and have fun and can feel more and more deeply. i’m able to cry again after spending around a decade virtually unable to. i feel comfortable where i am socially, even if it’s not ideal, and feel comfortable with the relationships i have. my parents are more understanding and have seen what ptsd has done to me firsthand through episodes and attacks. they’ve had to deal with the many, many medical bills from my plethora of undiagnosed health issues that they failed to check. that they failed to listen to me over, when i was still a child and depended on them.

i am not grateful. that word has only bad meaning for me and like tons of other words i have trouble using it properly. i am not grateful to anyone whose job it was to help me. i am not grateful to myself, my friends, or anyone. i am happy with them, but i am not grateful. i don’t like that word. i don’t like what it implies. i am most certainly not grateful and will remain bitter until my deathbed for how my parents treated me all my life. how they ruined me when they should have supported me. all the kindness in the world they show me now will never make up for the abuse i was inflicted with when i was at my most vulnerable and had nowhere else to turn. i will never forgive them for this and i have good reason to believe they understand that and mourn what could have been.

i am stuck at home because of all the problems i’ve explained, but it’s better. i am more self-assured and have all the documents to prove i was right. i was right and they failed me and they know it. so they leave me to my devices and don’t try to insert their shitty opinions into whatever i do.

but that’s neither here nor there. i continue to do what i can and improve little by little every day. i still need to see many different doctors... but i’m doing well. i’ve never been this happy and i would daresay i’m at peace with my life currently. i wouldn’t go so far as to say the struggle was worth it, because i have yet to have any significant success that has put me above the low low bar of “extremely damaged but recovering.”

but i am recovering. i am recovering and i am very glad to be able to confirm that it DOES get better, because you get better and you get healthier and it makes life shine so much more brightly than it ever had.

#a cathartic play by play #mental health #trauma tw #abuse tw #suicide tw #ptsd #pretty comprehensive list of my mental health history #it gets better my dudes

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talesfromacrip · 4 years

Text

some thoughts:

I don’t feel well some days. I feel so lost.. I’m starting to disassociate again at times and it doesn’t help. I start feeling absolutely worthless, sad, frustrated. emotional whirlpool alert so fucking overwhelmed nowadays and I act like nothing is going on sometimes bc I hide shit easily. I shouldn’t and I know, but it’s so damn repetitive. like a fucking carousel of absolute madness and I got a one way ticket to ride

there is so much chaos going on; everyday and I hate that I cannot do anything about it. I can, but not to the extent I’d like

feel so useless

sure, I can help in some ways, but not as much as I’d like and it irritates me. my internalized ableism has kicked in at a high bc of all this shit. I cannot stand it and myself in the process. I do to an extent, but holy fucking shit

all the dreams I’ve been having, snarky comments, yelling, drama. I’m, tired of it. I want out but I can’t even go o u t or get much less. I feel trapped. not only in my own house, but own my damn body

can’t go anywhere and I honestly don’t know if I ever will now. so damn tired and sick of this shit, but I won’t say it until my kettle squeals and what do ya know.. it did

I have to put up with some silly ass shit everyday. all the darn time

it’s just, annoyingly difficult to handle and adds more to my stress.. it is what it is though ya know. I hate saying that but idrk how to replace that without sounding like an ass

———

I’m concerned about Jolene and her eyes. she needs surgery for her cataracts and it’s really fucking expensive. like, 3 to 5 thousand big. We might be able to do one, but we don’t really know for sure yet. lots of smaller issues have been coming up and it gets in the way.

we can’t continue buying her eye drops forever. it could either do nothing much in the end or ruin her eyes completely. don’t want that for her at all.

I’m not stable enough to handle the death of another dog if something bad was to happen to her. we barely lost malibu in february and that wasn’t long ago. feels like years now as I write this tbh. It hurt my parents so much as well and they still feel it.

———

I love my little family a lot and all, but sometimes it’s, alright. has it’s, moments ya know. I’m thankful that we’re getting along with each other more (er trying) than years before though.

There’s not much yelling or anything, but there are still those days that just, happen. Can’t be helped in the environment I live in. drains my battery so much. I just don’t know what to do sometimes anymore. I do, but I cannot act on them. I can talk, but that could lead to some hard times

sucks, yeah,but ya gotta put up with it or I do at least till whatever time I’m free from here. which I don’t think is ever,but we’ll see

I’ve been teaching them about ableism, occasionally how I’ve dealt with it and the internalized ableism that followed me and still does when I can. My dad is all for this,but he still messes up when he has a dumb fit. My mom still struggles about the whole thing at times. It’s not her fault. she is at least learning and trying too which I’m pretty glad about. occasionally though, I just don’t know if it’ll fully happen, but it is slowly. counts

I have to calmly deal though obviously, even if the comments set me straight off and give me the biggest migraine to date. also, intense jaw pain at times bc I don’t want to start yelling or crying. so I just clench and try to cam down my breathing so I don’t go full freak mode.

Shit like, who did this? you smoke too much, it’s all in your head. you and that word. do you think someone else will deal with this? why don’t you just leave then if you don’t like it here.. blah, blah. The usual parrot babble I’ve always heard growing up and shit.

This is the reason why I don’t want anyone to know much about my parents in the first place and how they really are. Eventually they’re gonna, but holy fuck.. it’s, just not a fun experience/time I tell ya. embarrassing

when I do, it just, gets worse it seems. No one is gonna want to deal with me or my parents. I can barely deal with myself at times. ugh. mostly my parents or maybe me? both?? I don’t even know for sure. that’s how razzled i am about thissss

I’m gonna end up by myself and die alone by myself as the kids say. I’m probably not but who fucking knows.

I’ve meet people like that towards me though?? I’m affected by it and it hurts. Trying to deal. working but it gets to me on some days as some other problems do.

what if they act the same way she does, them?? then what am I supposed to do? maybe they won’t? sigh, I don’t know anymore. I do, but I don’t want to dwell on it so much. sigh

———

I’m sorry if it seems like I’m being an asshole lately these past few weeks, months, years? weeks though

I’ve been pretty stressed for awhile as I’ve said probably a million times and I’m trying my b e s t to hold it in, but it’s just been spilling out occasionally

I’ve noticed at times even if some have and I’m so sorry..

it’s difficult to bring up these issues and I don’t want to ruin anyone’s day ya know. even though it’s good too, say how you feel. I just struggle with it like an ass clown at times from how overwhelming it can be at times.

doesn’t seem like it bc I’m g o o d at hiding my ‘motions.

I’m or was, am? at my limit

I’m trying to "hold it together" which bugs me even more, but what can I do? obviously tell someone like I said, but i don’t like dumping my problems on people; especially now and idk how to really talk about it without me soundin.. u p s e t. it’s been constant though and I’m struggling. Trying though

I always have to though; keep it together, so everyone else doesn’t feel so down like they do with their issues. it’s such a tiresome thing, but I don’t like them being sad. I know they don’t like me either and I neglect that at times.

I’m tense about things and I just, can’t bother anyone to explain much bc everyone is "so busy" even during this time bc they have better things to do, but who knows.

I don’t want to bother anyone with my internalized ableism problems as always.. they’re getting a bit worse, the hell am I gonna do?

they can’t do anything anyway and it’s not anyone’s fault. i know they want too, but what is there to do?

idk, I just don’t want to continue brushing it off or lying about how I’m feeling and I do. Trying as much as I can to not be like that though. glad to have some reassurance in this as well.

#therapy journal #disability #disabled post #some thoughts #myehhh

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an-everything-blog · 5 years

Text

It’s Always Been You

Pairing: Tony Stark x Reader

Warnings: Smut, some angst if you squint

Summary: After the fight in Civil War, you and Tony are trying to hide from the government from breaking the law so you resort to multiple motels and an old run-down truck. Tony has underlying feelings for you and you cannot stop yourself from falling in love with him.

Word Count: 3.9K

Author’s Note: I’m back! Again... But seriously, ever since the first trailer of End Game came out I’ve been getting major Tony vibes idk why. I have always loved him, but now since I know he’s about to be done I just need to write about him. Although I haven’t seen End Game yet, I know I’m bout to die when I see it so I made this to prepare myself. Hope you guys enjoy! Please let me know what you think!!

The car ride was silent, save for the soft rumbling from the old run-down truck Tony somehow managed to attain. The truck being much different than what the two of you were used to. You both had to settle for the dated Ford to go unnoticed by the government. After the intense battle between the Avengers, you and Tony were left in Siberia on that cold concrete, broken, bloody and empty.

You had never intended things to end up how they did. You didn’t want to pick a side because you loved both Steve and Tony. But when worst came to worst and they started throwing punches, you couldn’t just stand there whilst they beat Tony almost to death. You had an extensive history with Tony. He was the one who had believed in you when no one else did. Originally you had intended to stop the three after Tony found out about his parents, but it just got so out of hand. Bucky had banged you up pretty good. Your face covered in your own blood, a few ribs probably broken and your elbow was throbbing wildly. You managed to do about the same amount of damage to him though. You could tell he didn’t want to and you didn’t want to either as you were crying and yelling “please stop” as you were fighting. You understood he was just trying to protect himself. You wish it hadn’t have to be this way.

After Steve had dragged Bucky away, Tony frantically looked around for you. Once he spotted you lying on the floor motionless, he panicked and managed to claw his way over to you while yelling your name.

“(Y/n), wake up!” Tony’s metal clad fingers grasped your head turning you toward him. You lazily opened your eyes and smiled up at him. You couldn’t help it. He was like a breath of fresh air every time you saw him. Even with the cuts and bruises all over his face he still looked beautiful.

“Hey there Boss-man.” You said gently, seeming like you just woke from a nap.

“God, (Y/n) you alright?” He exclaimed too loud. He couldn’t help himself. He cared about you way more than you would ever know. And now you’re hurt and it’s all his fault. He did this to you.

“Of course I am. I always am. You look awful though.” You giggled. He gave a soft puff of breath as he shook his head.

“Let’s get you out of here.” He mumbled while softly pulling you up.

Two weeks pass and you’ve been to an abundance of motels resting and traveling. Never staying in the same place for too long. Many people believe you both to be dead. The government is still looking though. You and Tony technically broke the law, so you’ve been running since. Now you and Tony have been on the road for two days. He hasn’t said more than a sentence to you since that day in Siberia. Usually just one word answers. He suddenly became stern with his brows furrowed constantly, instead of his usual cocky smirk. You can tell that he’s sad through his eyes. He tries to seem intense, but it makes you sad to see him like this. You hope it’s not because of something you did during the fight, but you always reassure yourself that it’s from the recent events with the Avengers. You wish you could make him smile again like past times, you just don’t know how to get through to him yet.

You're back in Siberia, watching Steve and Bucky hit Tony repeatedly. You try to move but can’t. Something is tying you down, but can’t see what. All you can see is the blood coming from Tony’s mouth as Steve hits him across the face again. You scream at them to stop, but it seems they just hit him harder. Your throat begins to burn and you feel yourself crying. From a distance you hear Tony grunting with every punch and kick and your stomach turns. You pull against your restraints harder, but to no avail. You feel so useless and guilty for not being able to help Tony. Suddenly Tony makes solid eye contact with you and you can tell he’s hurting badly. He calmly tells you that it will be okay before another swift kick was put in his side and you scream. You’re so unbelievably frustrated and distraught and you can’t watch anymore as Tony falls to the ground. You are sobbing Tony’s name.

Tony awakes to his name. He jumps up and looks around realizing where he is. He looks over and sees you grunting and turning in your separate bed of the motel room. You had tried on many occasions to get a single bed just to save you both money, but he refused, not wanting to get close to you in fear he will somehow hurt you again.

“Tony!” You sobbed his name and his heart clenches. He doesn’t know what you’re dreaming about, but he hopes you aren’t scared of him. He wants to comfort you so badly and make the pain go away. He convinces himself that he doesn’t deserve you. He’s the one that got you into this mess.

A heart wrenching scream is what broke his trance of watching you and he decided he couldn’t take it anymore. He sped to your side and sat on the bed. He grabbed ahold of your arm and he called your name, his voice thick and strained. He was getting pretty emotional seeing you like this.

You gasped awake quickly realizing it was just a night terror. You opened your eyes wide looking all around the room before you realized Tony was speaking to you. You looked right into his eyes and saw how worried he seemed. You instantly got a flashback to your nightmare of him looking at you, telling you it’s okay. This made you burst into tears as you reached for him. For a second Tony froze not knowing how he should react. Then throwing caution out the window he wrapped his arms around you tightly, giving you the comfort you needed.

“Shhh it’s okay, Honey.” He whispered running the tips of his fingers down your arm.

“They just k-kept hitting you no matter how many times I told them to stop. They wouldn’t stop Tony.” You hiccuped, tears still streaming down your face. Though Tony was relieved that you weren’t scared of him, it also hurt him to know that you were having these dreams about him.

“I’m alright, I’m just fine and so are you. We’re okay Dear.” Tony reassured confidently. Your skin was so soft it made Tony warm. At this time he took the time to look at you closely. He’s never really gotten this close to you. Not as intimately as this. He noticed your eyelashes blinking rapidly to try and stop the tears. It seemed time went in slow motion watching them bat gracefully against your soft looking cheeks. He had only now noticed how bright your eyes got in color when they were filled with tears. He never expected someone to look so beautiful whilst in so much pain. It tore his heart two separate ways. Looking further down to your lips he was mesmerized. He was so close to you now, he noticed they were dark probably from them being bitten on, yet they looked soft like butter. He had the strongest urge to press his lips to yours. He knew it was wrong, but he just couldn’t help the thoughts racing through his head.

Just as you went to thank him for helping you, he gently grazed his lips on yours. You took a slight intake of breath before you urgently pressed your lips firmly to his. He let out a surprised grunt before kissing back with just as much urgency. Your shaky hand traveled lightly from his messy locks of hair down slowly to rest at his chest right in the center where his ARC reactor would’ve been. This subtle action made Tony shutter lightly. He was right, your lips were just as soft as he imagined. In his eyes you were so perfect and so unbelievably smart. He was definitely the farthest thing from perfect. He’s the one that got you hurt. He’s the one that gave you this trauma.

Suddenly all at once he realized what he was doing and pulled away abruptly. Confused you opened your eyes and looked up at Tony. He looked so frightened. It was the kinda look he gave Steve as he drove his shield into Tonys ARC reactor.

“Tony? What is it? What’s wrong?” You questioned eyes wide and worried.

“I uh- I need to go get supplies... For the morning.” He explained as if in a daze, moving as far away from you as he could. You glanced at the clock that read 4:22 AM. You shook your head confused.

“Tony what are you talking about? We can just go on our way out...” You said your cheeks getting warm with the realization of what you two just did.

“I’ll be back.” He stated with no further explanation.

“Tony!-“ He shut the door before you could say another word to him.

Maybe he didn't mean to kiss you. You immediately thought. What if he was just trying to make you feel better and he didn’t like you like that? Your stomach twisted uncomfortably at that thought. You tried calling him on his cheap cell phone, but of course he didn’t answer. You worried your bottom lip, the feel of Tony still there. You ended up falling asleep waiting for him to get back. Hoping he would come back.

“One room with two beds please.” Tony asked the receptionist at the front desk of the motel. It had been about a month that’s past since that night, and things came to an abrupt stop between you two. You had tried to apologize to him the next morning when he finally came back, but he quickly shut it down just telling you to forget about it. You didn’t forget though. It’s all you thought about. You couldn’t recall a time where you felt safer, happier than in his arms that night. Ever since then it’s been silent between you two. Just traveling and sleeping.

There was one time you were pretending to sleep in the truck and you felt his thumb graze your cheek as he sighed. Immediately it gave you goosebumps and your heart clenched. You didn’t know what it meant because you had began to think that he hated you. He refused to speak to you or even smile at you anymore. It made you sad at times because you wanted nothing more than to be close with him. You think of times before the fight when you would grab him his favorite breakfast after he had been working all night. He would always have a surprised look on his face as you brought the box of Randy’s Donuts with a black coffee into his work space. He would always ask you to stay to share the donuts with him and of course you would because it’s Tony and you can never say no to him.

“I’m sorry Sir, we only have one room left and it’s a single bed.” The lady apologized. Your body began to buzz at the thought of sharing a bed with Tony.

“You don’t have any other rooms?” He sighed in frustration.

“We are very busy this time of year.” The receptionist explained. Tony stood there for a few moments before turning to leave.

“We’re going to the next one.” Tony stated to you. You grunted in frustration.

“That’s not for another 50 miles!” You tried to reason with him, but he just shrugged his shoulders. You groaned as tears started to form in your eyes. Were you really that revolting? You just wanted to sleep in a bed, your back hurt from sitting in that damn truck all the time.

“I am exhausted, and I know you are too. Anthony, please.” You whispered the last part while holding on to his arm gently. He sighed while weighing out his options. He knew you were tired of this. He just wishes he could gave you a better life than what it is right now. The way you whispered his name had him sighing for a whole different reason. You were too beautiful for your own good.

“Alright. Just for tonight.” He concluded, stepping away from you to get the key.

“What are you doing?” You questioned Tony as he grabbed a pillow and the extra blankets.

“I’m sleeping on the floor. No biggie.” Tony said unfolding the blanket.

“Tony, no. Are we not adults? You’re sleeping in the bed, come on it’s only for a few hours. You’ll thank me when your back isn’t hurting tomorrow.” You say patting the bed. He sighed and grabbed the pillow off the floor.

As you both got settled under the covers you shivered at the warmth radiating from Tony from the other side of the queen sized bed.

“Goodnight Boss-man.” You sighed sadly at the nickname that you used to call him all the time. He turned away from you and just as you closed your eyes thinking he wouldn’t respond to you like always, he said:

“Goodnight, Dear.”

Your eyes snapped open from a dream you had. You had dreamt of the night about a month ago with Tony’s softened lips grazing over yours. It was urgent and gentle at the same time. The kind of kiss that you don’t want to stop. The next thing you knew he was leaving you again and you guess it scared you so much that you woke up. You took a few deep breaths and looked to your left to make sure he was still there with the help of the bathroom light that was left on.

Tony must’ve moved in his sleep because he is now facing you with his arm delicately draped over his stomach. Your chest burned as you looked at his peaceful expression. His facial hair has long since gotten a little unkept. He still tries to trim it like it was, but it’s not the same. You think he looks better like this. Gives him a bit more humanity in some way. He’s close enough that you can feel his soft breaths dance across your skin. You study the way his lips are curved into a resting line and you almost touch them with your fingers to see if they’re still as soft as you remember. You wish you could stay like this forever just so you could study him without him wanting to leave you.

You want to touch him so badly. Before today, you haven’t had actual human contact in weeks. You were becoming touch-starved from the man that you loved. His hair flicked out in random places and you couldn’t help but run your fingers gently through his fluffy locks. Tony stirred a bit and you focused on his expression. You found the faintest hint of a smile and you exhaled smiling as well.

You decided that you didn’t care anymore. You subtly moved closer to Tony and gently placed your head on his shoulder. You were close enough to hear his heart beat through his old t-shirt. His warmth gave you instant calmness and the rhythm of his heartbeat gave you peace.

Tony slowly blinked awake from the morning sunlight peeking through the window. As he opened his eyes further he noticed a warm weight on his shoulder.

“Hey Boss-man.” You were looking up at him, studying him.

“(Y/n), what are you doing?” Tony asked confused. He didn't know why you would even want to be touching him right now. He figured you wouldn't want anything to do with him.

“Anthony, you’re beautiful. I hope you know that.” You state softly, but honestly. Tony scanned your whole face quickly to check for any lie, but found none. His chest burned as he made eye-contact.

“(Y/n)-“ Tony tried to say, but you cut him off by pressing your lips to his. He immediately molded to your form with just as much urgency. His hand ran through your hair onto the back of your head to pull you up to him. You quickly threw a leg over him and sat on his lap without breaking contact. Your hands were traveling everywhere. From his hair down to his chest. The kiss was wet, soft, and passionate all at once. All of these pent up emotions were spilling out of the both of you and you began to subtly roll your hips against his. He was just so amazing in every way not to mention so handsome. This action did not go unnoticed by Tony.

“(Y/n)..” Tony breathed after gently pulling away. You wouldn’t let him continue.

“Tony please. Please let me in. I want this so badly. I want you. Please just let me have you. Please Tony.” You pleaded desperately. You couldn’t have him reject you. Not again. You don’t think your heart can take it. Tony looked at you and almost looked sad for a moment before he gave a small smile and nodded.

“Okay. It’s okay Honey. I’ll take care of you now. I’ve got you.” He spoke quietly while looking at you intently. You nodded as your eyes began to water from finally getting what you wanted. You pressed your lips back to his as he gripped the bottom of your shirt and swiftly took it off. Immediately his eyes were drawn to your bare breasts. He gave them each a peck before circling your nipples. You sighed in content as you reached for his shirt as well. Looking at the scar from Tony’s ARC reactor you decided to gently place a kiss right in the center. He looked up to the ceiling and gave a small moan. Your core burned as you reached for his pants. You felt his length through his sleeping pants and he shuttered at the light touch. You could tell Tony was touch-starved as well. After his pants fell to the floor you began to pump him slowly as he quickly discarded your shorts.

His chest was pressed to yours as he flipped you both on the bed. He began to study your face as his hand traced down your body to your most sensitive area. You gasped as he ran a single finger through your slick.

“So wet for me Angel.” He whispered bringing his hand up to show you before placing it in his mouth, groaning.

“So, so good.” He breathed, his fingers going back down for more. He circled your clit slowly at first before progressively getting faster. You were moaning and whimpering like a mess and Tony loved it.

“Tony, please.” You whined.

“What is it Honey? What do you need? You need my fingers? Is that it?” Tony was whispering in your ear and you were nodding and moaning against him. He chuckled before adding a single finger as his thumb was still playing with your clit. Soon he had three fingers in and you were nearing your release. You began to buck against his fingers as you started to moan his name.

“That’s it Angel, cum all over my fingers. Go ahead.” Tony encouraged. Your core began to spasm and squeeze over his fingers. It took everything in him not to blow his load right then watching you. As you began to calm down from your orgasm, you saw Tony sucking on his fingers. It made you moan watching him.

“Tony. Please fuck me. Please.” You whined. Tony smirked for the first time in a long time. It was pleasing to see.

“Alright Dear. You want my cock?” He questioned while running the warm head of his length through your pussy lips. You moaned and nodded quickly.

Tony slowly pushed in and you whimpered. He was so much bigger than you imagined. It felt so good to be stretched like this. Tony gave his own moan as he bottomed out. You felt heavenly and he was trying his best to calm himself. After a few moments he pulled out and pushed in slowly.

“Fuck (Y/n), you feel amazing.” He chuckled breathlessly. You smiled and squeezed your core bringing a grunt out of Tony. You two started out a slow but firm pace. His chest was grazing yours and you’ve never felt more close to Tony. You could feel your wetness on Tony’s stomach as he began to fuck you faster. You were mewling Tony’s name as you dug your heels into Tony’s ass to get him to go in deeper. The sound of your wetness each time Tony pumped into you had your core on fire.

“Taking me so well. Taking my cock so good.” He groaned hitting deep in your core. Your orgasm was building rapidly as he continued pumping into you quickly and you couldn’t get enough.

“Tony, shit. I’m getting close.” You moan pulling at his hair. He immediately brought his hand down to your clit and began massaging you.

“Go on. Cum on me all over again. Cum hard. You can do it Angel. That’s it. There we go.” Tony was moaning as he felt you clenching over his dick. You felt yourself gushing and spasming all at once and you couldn’t remember the last time you came that hard. You were whining from your second orgasm and you could tell Tony was just about to his.

“Please cum in me Anthony. I want your cum.” You whispered sensually. His hips stuttered as he moaned.

“Jesus (Y/n).” He grunted pushing in one more time before filling you up with his seed. You moaned at the warmth seeping out of you as Tony slowly came to a stop. Tony gave you one last gentle kiss before pulling out and going to grab a small towel.

“Tony, I need you to know something.” You say after he settled back into bed. He looked at you almost scared. He didn’t want you to say that was a one time thing. That would break him.

“Look, I don’t know if you dislike me or hate me or what's going on with you because you haven’t spoken to me in over a month, but I love you Tony. I’m in love with you. It’s always been you. Even if you don't love me, I can't help but be in love with you. You're so much more than you think you are.” You finished quietly. His eyebrows were raised in shock, then squinted in confusion and your stomach was doing summersaults because you had no idea how he would react.

“(Y/n)... I could never hate you. I was the reason you got so badly hurt in Siberia. You got hurt and that was on me. I couldn’t forgive myself. I don't deserve someone a brilliant and beautiful as you.” Tony explained looking away. You grunted distastefully.

“Tony, that was not your fault. I chose to defend you because I care deeply about you and I wasn’t about to watch as you all beat the shit out of each other. I will always be on your side.” You say grasping his hand. he looked down at you in the bed and leaned down to kiss you.

“I love you too (Y/n). Always have.” Tony said breaking the kiss. You grinned up at him and he grinned back and this time, it reached his eyes and it made your heart flutter.

So yeah, maybe the world is shit right now and the avengers are broken and the government is searching for all of you, but you and Tony have each other and that’s all you can ask for.

#Avengers #avengers x reader #avengers imagine #tony stark #tony is my babe #tony x reader #tony stark x reader #tony stank #tony #Steve Rogers #steve #Bucky Barnes #fluff #steve rogers x reader #bucky barnes x reader

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