#in slow motion podcast

[paint-music-with-me]

Dude I'm catching up on the drama with l*am and I am shooketh. Idk I've not been the biggest fan of him after the "hiatus" esp with his first album (🤢 sorry not sorry) but like what the actual fuck has he been doing? .....mmmm I've words to say but it's a bit difficult to articulate on text and I'm just....mmmmm sir what happened with u?

#like dude a logan paul podcast dude??? really??? #have u come this far to do that? #and im hearing new shit that hes been doing and im just #mmmmmmm #im reminded why i steered clear of him since his first single (which honestly i didnt mind - ik sue me) #but gee golly sir #this is just distasteful #like it makes me appreciate what zayn did a little bit more esp when louis liked it? #like c'mon man my zouis is fucking rising #meanwhile this other fuck is sucking the life out of the party and for what? #ok im getting mad ima cool it but shit bro #gods its like seeing an ex and thinking 'ah we did alright' and then they opened their mouths and ur like 'oh shit they got worse' #fkdbsksb #idk man #mmmmmm #it like watching a car wreck in slow motion dude #fuck #i need to talk to some chill directioners out there like #what ya'll think? #blabber time

[jamminvroomvroom]

big dad vibes.

dad!ln x fem!reader

in which lando becomes a dad, and a series of moments that follow

back with more brainrot! this time it’s for dad!lando bc the baby fever is fevering and lando just had to go and talk about having kids on that podcast. my first time using social media elements as well so i hope you enjoy! ALSO! huge thank you for 3k, love you all and i cannot thank you enough for your support! 💘

warnings: minors pls dni with my work! mentions of pregnancy, children, minor angst, super duper fluff, suggestive jokes here and there, dilf!lando

1. the birth

lando’s legs couldn’t have carried him any faster than they already were. the hospital rooms disappeared past in a flash, his eyes scanning the hallways for one door. everything he’d ever wanted waited for him on the other side of that one door.

it was typical, really, that the one time he’d left your side since the season ended, you went into labour. he’d begdrudgingly listened when you told him to go to his meeting, despite the feeling in his gut that told him not to. lando knew, now, that his instincts were right.

the second he’d seen your face flash up on his phone, he was out of the conference room. you wouldn’t have called him unless it was an emergency. everything seemed to be moving in slow motion when he put the phone down, but then he was sprinting, through the double doors before him, past the line of cars, and out towards his car, speeding away from the MTC. the traffic fine he knew he was in for was worth it.

your words rang in his ears.

“lando… it’s time.” you’d breathed down the phone, accompanied by a shaky laugh.

and now he was looking at the door. it opened, slowly, and there you were, draped in a hospital gown, tired eyes bloodshot and soft. you were smiling, crying, and he fell to his knees before you.

“someone wants to meet you.” you cooed, and then he was crying too.

lando squeezed your knee, trying to pull himself together but it was futile. the most precious ray of light stirred in your arms, how would he ever be able to stop crying? you’d created that, you and him, and now she was here.

“can i…?” lando stood from where he was worshipping you, hoodie sleeve mopping up his tears.

“take all that off.” you replied.

“trying to get me naked already? i thought it would be at least six weeks-“ he teased.

“no, you sod. skin on skin contact.” you groaned, grinning helplessly at the man that had made you a mother.

he laughed along with you quietly, stripping the layers and sitting beside you on the hospital bed. you searched his excited eyes, melting as you placed your little girl in his awaiting arms.

and then he was falling in love.

the winter sunlight streamed through the window, a soft glow encapsulating your little family. lando sat next to you in dead silence, counting ten little fingers, ten little toes, memorising the dimpled curve of two lips, the crease between two softly shut eyes. his heart was bursting in a way it never had before, a new lease of life breathed into his body that fulfilled him more than anything ever had.

“are you okay, baby? i’m so sorry i wasn’t here.” lando mumbled, kissing your shoulder. he looked up at you, scanning your tired face, knowing that you’d never looked so beautiful. you cupped his cheek, pressing your forehead against his.

“the pain was worth it.” you quirked your lips, tilting your head so that you could kiss him. you felt his fresh tears wetting your cheeks, and you smiled into the kiss.

“i got here as quick as i could, i’m so sorry i wasn’t here to hold your hand.” lando was heartbroken to have missed the birth of his first child, guilty even, but you wouldn’t let that feeling linger.

“i’m just happy that you’re here now, i promise. we’ve gotta name this little love.” you pecked his lips again, cuddling into his side.

you’d been backwards and forwards on names for months, never landing on anything that seemed to fit. you’d read countless lists of names, brainstormed names of people you loved, but you just couldn’t agree.

“can we talk about it later? just wanna look at her for a bit longer. like, forever.” lando mumbled, and as if she recognised her daddy’s voice, your baby’s grey blue eyes fluttered open.

“oh.” he gasped.

you watched in pure adoration as they stared at each other, neither of them willing to look away first. a bond was forming before your eyes, and you felt like the earth was moving under your feet.

lando knew, staring into big blue eyes, that nothing would ever be the same again.

landonorris via instagram

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landonorris: welcome to the world, the one and only matilda norris ❤️

-

2. the race

“lando, you cannot take her into the bloody media pen!” you scolded, ignoring the bark of a laugh he let out in response.

you were midway through changing matilda’s nappy, dressing her in the tiny mclaren t-shirt that the team had gifted you when you welcomed her to the world.

she was nearly six months old now, with the cutest smile and a laugh that could bring an entire room to tears. you were at your home in monaco, preparing to descend down the hills towards the marina where the race would be. this would be her first race weekend, and lando couldn’t have been more excited for her to make her debut at the track.

he also couldn’t have been more nervous.

the idea of putting your baby into such a hectic environment made lando sweat, which was why you’d left it until monaco, so that you had a home base to sneak away to if it all got too much.

“are you nearly ready to go, baby?” lando came up behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist. he was peering over your shoulder, gazing at the giggling baby on her changing mat. “and what about you, matty? you ready to watch daddy drive?”

“i’m sure you’ll have her undivided attention.” you joked, turning your head to kiss his jaw. “can you put her in the car?”

lando scooped up his daughter, placing her gently into the baby carrier. you grabbed the changing bag and followed him out of the apartment, smiling hard at the quiet nursery rhyme he was singing. you locked up and trailed behind the duo, watching intently as he secured matilda’s car seat.

“see something you like?”lando called behind him, shaking his ass at you cheekily.

“you know i do, that’s how i got pregnant.” you stuck your tongue out at him.

-

the entire weekend was hectic, lando having the time of his life. he’d put his mclaren on the front row, the race flying by where he claimed second place and a rightful spot of the podium. you’d kissed him hard, matilda’s grabby hands tugging at his curls when he’d dipped down to press his lips to yours. he smirked, scheming something, and then he took the infant from under your arm, whisking her over to his interview.

“lando norris, what a race that was for you!” jenson button bellowed into the mic. “and it looks like you’ve been busy off track, too! who’s this little one?”

“the one and only matilda norris.” lando replied, pearly whites on display. he’d never looked happier, and you could feel your eyes welling with tears. lando grabbed her little hand softly, making her wave at the camera. “proud of daddy, matty?” he cooed, and you were a wreck.

landonorris via instagram

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landonorris: matty’s first race 🏎️ 🧡

-

3. that time matilda crawled

“babe!” lando’s voice echoed through the house, up into your bedroom. you were fresh out of the shower, wringing your hair dry with a towel, nearly jumping out of your skin when he called.

“what is it, honey?” you shouted back, grabbing your (his) robe from the back of the door.

“you gotta come see this.” he sounded giddy and you bounded down the stairs, speeding into the living room.

“what’s going on?” you asked him, watching him practically jumping up and down with excitement.

“matty crawled.” lando beamed.

your eyes flitted to your daughter, sat quite casually on her play-mat.

“uh…” you said slowly. you wanted to believe him, but the evidence was not lining up. she was getting closer each day, but still seemed to be a tad far off of going the full stretch.

“she did! i swear!” he turned his attention back to matilda, dropping to the floor beside her. “c’mon matty, show mummy! i know you can do it, sweetie.” lando cooed.

“can i finish getting ready?”

“baby, she’s gonna do it again and you’re gonna miss it!”

“okay, just shout if she starts spitting bars.” you teased, turning to leave.

lando was pouting, but as if she sensed her fathers frustration, matilda had a point to prove. she pushed herself up from her tummy, fighting her way towards you.

“oh, my love.” you cooed, hand splayed over your mouth. she was growing up way too fast, but that was eclipsed by the pride bubbling hot in your chest.

“see?” lando pulled you into his side, gleeful. you moulded into him, lip quivering as you watched her wriggle around. “oh, baby, don’t cry.” he pressed a kiss to your hairline.

“happy tears, i promise.”

“she’s so clever, just like her mama.”

-

5. the backlash

the clips circulating online made you feel ill.

lando had just done another podcast, and the topic of his family had come up. they’d set the trap, and he’d fallen right into it, pressuring him about how he approached racing and being a father. he’d tried, bless him, but the way they’d cut the interview made it look like little matty played second fiddle to daddy’s racing car.

you’d been in the studio while your baby slept peacefully beside you, you knew exactly what he’d said, and now the tweets circulating about your boyfriend made you want to scream.

you were no stranger to the occasional landogate, but he’d gotten a lot better over the years. lando didn’t care much for the way the media twisted his words anymore, but when it came to his family, his flesh and blood, he quite simply couldn’t take it.

lando hadn’t come out of his gaming room all day. you’d let him marinate for a few hours, but you hadn’t seen him in too long, and you were starting to panic. matty kept spitting out little strings of words, dadadada spluttering out her little mouth. she wanted him, and you needed him, so you swept her up in your arms and carried her up the stairs.

you tapped on the door, pushing it open before you got a response. he was slumped in his gaming chair, hood up, spinning around aimlessly. he looked so deflated, staring at nothing, manufactured guilt eating him up.

“hey, honey. matty wants her daddy.” you called softly, wading into the room. lando sighed, but took her out of your arms immediately.

“better take what i can get, before she realises what a terrible father i am.” he mumbled sarcastically.

“hey, no. don’t do that, lando. don’t fall into this mindset. you and i both know that you’re a fucking amazing father.” you wagged your finger at him as you spoke. he just slumped further into his seat, letting matty pull at the drawstrings of his hoodie.

“maybe they’re right, though. i was always so scared of this part. what if she grows up and is ashamed of me?” he whispered, eyes honing in on his daughter.

“oh, baby.” it physically hurt you to see him so down on himself. you were ready to burn twitter to the fucking ground. “you’re the best father i could have wished for. she’s literally a little lando! god, honey, she loves you so much. and of course she would - you’re her whole world.”

“when she won’t sleep with me, ten seconds in your arms, and she conked out. when she’s bored, she only wants her dad. don’t even get me started on that annoying stubborn streak she’s showing. lando, she could never be ashamed of you. she is you.” you continued.

lando sighed shakily, pressing a kiss to matty’s forehead before placing her carefully on the ground. some of her toys were scattered there, so she made a beeline for her orange teddy, without a care in the world for you and lando. he spread his arms for you, ushering you in and you sat on his lap, cuddling into him.

“i love you, baby. you don’t know how thankful i am that you gave me this life.” he said into your chest, kissing right over your heart.

you knew everything would be okay, anyone with eyes could see how much he adored his little girl. and anyway, it didn’t matter what anyone else thought; all that mattered was that you had each other, and that was more than enough for lando.

-

5. matty’s first birthday!

your house was full of laughter, shades of pink, purple and yellow decorating every surface. balloons covered the ceiling, a big 1 taking up half your kitchen. and in the middle of all the colourful chaos, your boyfriend held your one year old daughter, bouncing her on his knee.

they were a picture, a truly stunning one, two identical sets of eyes crinkling at the corners while they laughed together. your heart was bursting, nothing able to contain the butterflies in your stomach as you watched the two greatest loves of your life.

stuffed toys and little pairs of shoes covered every surface, wrapped up with big ribbons. all of your favourite people were in one room, your families coming together with all of your friends to celebrate 365 days of matilda.

matty had spent her day playing with sylvie, george’s young daughter, while lando took photos from every angle humanly possible. then there was the cake, which lando had let the little girl smash all over her face. you’d scold him later, the moment was far too precious.

you were caught up watching lando play with matilda, when max came up to you.

“never seen him happier.” max beamed, pulling you into a side hug. you ruffled his hair in response.

“can’t believe we made her.” you muttered, head falling against his shoulder. you were awestruck.

“when are you having another one? he’s gagging for it.” max was joking with you, but the look you gave him made him do a double, triple, quadruple take. you were smirking. “wait… wait what?”

“sooner than you might think.” you patted your tummy slyly. “he doesn’t know yet, i only just found out last night. wanted matty to have her day and then i’ll tell him when she’s gone to sleep.”

max was staring at you, bewildered. you may have even seen a tear in his eye.

“oh, i love you guys. so fucking happy for you.” he whispered.

you caught sight of lando watching, his head tilted in confusion. you just winked at him.

-

“she went down easy. think today really took it out of her.” lando said as he walked into your bedroom. you were sat waiting for him, hands resting behind your back.

“thank you for today, it was perfect.” you beamed when he leaned down to kiss you.

you watched him get ready for bed, stripping down to just his sweats, and then he joined you, lounging across the foot of the bed.

“hey, what were you talking to max about, babe?” lando asked.

“a gift that i got you.” you replied coyly.

“a gift?” lando looked confused, and the confusion only grew when you pulled your hands from behind your back, placing a little gift bag in front of him.

“yep. hope you like it.” you kept your expression neutral.

he picked up the bag, rustling through the tissue paper, and then he found it.

a little white stick.

lando stared blankly, eyes flitting rapidly between your face and the pregnancy test in his hand.

“baby…” he started, but he lost his train of thought. instead, he launched himself at you, cuddling you into the mattress. you were laughing while he pressed his lips all over your face, your neck, ending with your belly.

“good gift?” you giggled, watching as his hand smoothed over the soft skin of your tummy.

“the fucking best.”

landonorris and youruser via instagram

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landonorris: for matty’s first birthday, we’re giving her a sibling 🫶

-

6. family sized

lando norris, father of two, reporting for duty.

leo norris was born under the english sun, the late august heat making your labour a difficult one.

from the minute he was born, leo had a personality, angry, passionate eyes glaring at you and lando, a cry tearing from him that could end wars. he was gonna be a force, that little boy, not that you were complaining.

lando had fallen in love again, only having a few days to adjust before he was racing around europe, but he always found a way to slip into bed with you in the early hours of monday mornings, leo sprawled across his tanned chest. he’d watch the two of you sleep, listening out for matty down the hall.

and then she’d wake up, and lando would lay leo by your side, padding next door to your daughters bedroom. the pitter patter of her little feet and lando’s big laugh would wake you up. mornings were the best part of your day, all four of you tucked up in bed together before the chaos began.

it was hard sometimes, but life was bliss. you had the most wonderful partner, two gorgeous children, happiness that you couldn’t have ever fathomed right at your fingertips.

lando finally realised how big the world was, now that his family was often on the other side of it. he ached every second his heart was away from his kids but watching them grow, getting to see them smile, matilda clinging to his legs the second he came home, made it all worth it.

and god, coming home to you, whether you were waiting with open arms at the door or tucked up in white linen bedsheets in one of his t-shirts, was fucking delightful. you were his person, the one that gave him a reason to get up and smile, and he’d do quite possibly anything to keep you happy until you were old and grey by his side.

“matty, what do you say when we say goodbye to chat?” lando asked his little girl.

he was wrapping up a stream, matilda finding her rightful place as his new cohost - max was hardly coping with being replaced but that was a separate issue.

lando bowed his head, looking at matty encouragingly and she beamed hard at the screen. she was two years old, with the bubbliest personality and the brightest eyes in the entire world.

“gg boys.” she grinned toothily at the camera, and lando’s squawk of a laugh summoned you into the room.

lando was logging off when you walked in, watching from the doorway. leo was down for his nap, and matty was soon due hers.

“what are you two getting up to?” you chimed in, leaning into the wall.

“matty’s gonna be a gamer.” lando said in his sing-song voice, the one he reserved for when one of his kids did something that made his eyes sparkle.

“no call of duty.” you said sternly, looking at him pointedly.

“don’t worry, baby. f1 game only, she’s gonna be a racing driver.”

“just like her daddy.” you whispered, watching the duo high five in their matching hoodies.

landonorris via instagram

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landonorris: @/mclaren i’m gonna need a bigger car

-

youruser via instagram

liked by landonorris, maxfewtrell, kikagomes and 543,222 others

youruser: big dad vibes 💘

-

7. long time coming

lando held his son tight, watching you and matty examine tiny sea shells in the little rock pools that were forming. the sun was setting over the monegasque beach, beams of pink and orange light bathing your family as it bounced off the soft waves.

leo was wriggling in lando’s arms, the two year old boy desperate to join his mother and his sister splashing around in the shallows, but lando kept a hold of him. leo was too mischievous for his own good, cheekier than the average two year old. perhaps it had something to do with who his father was.

“daddy, come look.” matty called, so lando waded into the water, ankle deep. that little girl had him wrapped around her finger. he cast his eyes over matilda’s inquisitive face, glancing at you for just a second, and that’s all it took for you to steal the air from his lungs.

you were more radiant than ever, as beautiful as the day he’d met you and fallen so helplessly in love. he hadn’t stopped falling in love since. you’d made him a father, you’d given him a family, you’d taught him what it was to be truly, unequivocally happy.

and now all you had to say was yes.

“that’s lovely, sweetie.” lando cooed at matty, eyeing the handful of seashells she’d collected. “wanna go play on the sand? we have that gift to give mummy.” lando winked at the little girl, who took off running, splashing sea water over you both.

once she was out of earshot, you turned to lando.

“you’re not pregnant, are you?” you teased, thinking back to the gift you’d given him those years ago, who was now tucked sleepily into lando’s chest.

“how did you know?” lando joked back.

he grabbed your hand, toes sinking into the sand as you made your way towards matty, who was fidgeting on the picnic blanket you’d laid out earlier. as soon as you reached her, lando gave her the sly nod, the signal that he’d taught her over the last few days, and her sweet little voice called out to you.

“mummy?”

“yes, my love?” you kneeled down on the blanket, eye level with your daughter.

“daddy wants to ask you something.” her doe blue eyes twinkled in the setting sun, and you whipped your head around to look at lando.

lando, who was down on one knee, balancing his son in one hand and the biggest fucking diamond ring you’d ever seen in the other.

“should’ve done this about four years ago, but we were busy popping out kids.” lando breathed, his eyes watery. you were already in tears. “my love, where do i even begin? i’m nothing without you, and every time i leave you, i leave my entire heart behind, so please, will you marry me?”

tears streamed down your face, and lando sat the squirmy toddler down next to his sister, who was bouncing on the balls of her feet.

you surged forward, the force of your movement leaving you both in the sand. you clung to him, lips meeting his with sweet urgency. you mumbled a million yes’s into the kiss, no one left in the world but you and him, and your two beautiful children.

and when you pulled away, you scooped your babies into your arms, holding them tight, knowing that you were in the presence of the purest form of love.

your little family, complete…

…for now.

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youruser: family day out 🥹🫠❤️‍🔥

-

i don’t know how to write fluff lol

-

taglist

some tags have been removed if they weren’t working! lemme know if you wanna be added or removed from my list <3

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#lando norris #lando norris fic #lando norris x reader #dad!lando norris #dad!lando #lando norris fluff #lando norris fics #lando norris x fem!reader #lando norris x you #lando norris imagine #lando norris blurb #lando norris social media au #lando norris smau #lando norris imagines #lando norris blurbs #lando norris drabble #lando norris drabbles #f1 fic #f1 smut #f1 driver x you #f1 driver!dad #f1 fluff #f1 social media au #formula 1 smau #formula 1 social media au #formula 1 fic #formula 1 imagine #formula 1 fluff #formula 1 blurb

[f0point5]

Max Verstappen x bestfriend!reader Masterlist

She’s still bejewelled - Y/N finds out F1 wag pages are once again speculating she is dating her best friend, Max Verstappen

It’s (not) a cruel summer - Y/N and Max enjoy the summer break

August slipped away - Y/N does a Q&A to catch up with her followers after summer break

Burning red- Lando puts his foot in it

Holy ground - Fans discuss their excitement to see Y/N and Max interact at Zandvoort

I’m the one who understands you - A window into Max and Y/N’s home life

It turned into something bigger - Y/N’s comments about her childhood friend, Mick Schumacher, lead to a social media firestorm

They’d say I’d hustled, put in the work - A look at Y/N’s podcast, Dirty Air(time)

Shake it off - Determined to forget her worries, Y/N goes out parting with Max and Lando

They say home is where the heart is - Fans discuss how Y/N and Max love being roommates

(We’re) in the club doing I don’t know what - Fans look back on Max and Y/N’s Club Rat Renaissance

Pauses, then says, (he’s) my best friend - Y/N spends the day in Amsterdam while Max does press at Zandvoort

How evergreen, our group of friends - Snippets of Y/N and Max’s other friends on the grid and beyond

We’re faster and never scared - It’s a dramatic Friday in the Zandvoort paddock

I watch Superman fly away - The drama continues as Y/N and Mick have a run in in the paddock

Long live all the magic he made - Y/N supports Max as he equals the record for most consecutive wins

Remember the footsteps - A look at Y/N and Mick’s lifelong friendship

He has his father’s eyes…his father’s ambition - A look at Y/N’s relationship with Jos

I love your handshake, meeting my father - Fans discuss Jos’s perspective on Y/N, and her relationship with Max

And maybe it was egos swinging - Everyone speculates about the cause and consequences of Y/N and Mick’s falling out

I fell from the pedestal - Y/N becomes the subject of internet trolling after her fall out with Mick becomes public

Don’t know how long it’s gonna take to feel okay - Unable to deal with the stress and trolling, Y/N goes home to Switzerland, cutting off Max

My reputation’s never been worse so - Y/N’s absence sparks concerns amongst those closest to her

If someone comes at us, this time I’m ready - Y/N’s friends publicly support her as the hate continues

You don’t want to know me, I will just let you down

My words shoot to kill when I’m mad - Mick and Y/N finally talk

Something in your eyes says we can beat this - Max has a tough start to an important weekend, but his luck is about to change

(We) saw something the can’t take away - Y/N is there as Max wins at Monza and breaks another record

This is life before you know who you’re gonna be - Netizens discuss Max and Y/N’s enemy era

20 questions, we tell the truth - Y/N catches up with her followers after a hectic couple of weeks, and meets a man in Monaco

On a Wednesday, in a café - Y/N’s podcast with Daniel leads to some interesting revelations

Do you really want to know where I was? - Y/N and Max spend a day at the factory as rumours begin to swirl

I make it look oh so easy - Y/N and Max choose different confidants as they both attempt to avoid the elephant in the room

You’ll find me on my tallest tiptoes - It gets harder for Y/N to keep her secret

Slow motion, double vision in rose blush - Y/N gets back in the saddle while Max watches from the sidelines in more ways than one

Carnations you had thought were roses - Two of Y/N’s secrets are revealed

Didn’t it all seem new and exciting - Max leaves Y/N behind in Monaco as she reflects on her date

Loose lips sink ships all the damn time - Y/N heads to Switzerland for a special appointment as her relationship with Max is put under a microscope

I don’t wanna miss you like this - Y/N and Max deal with the distance between them differently

Your finger on my hairpin trigger - Tensions run high as Max has a bad day on track and Y/N gets defensive

Takes one to know one - Y/N’s much needed talk with Elliot is interrupted by an explosive qualifying in Singapore

I want to tell you not to get lost in these petty things - Max’s streak comes to an end and he and Y/N look ahead to Suzuka

Forever going with the flow, but you’re friction - Max asking Y/N to fly out early to Japan leads to tension and Y/N turns to Daniel for advice

I drive down different roads - Fans, and Y/N, speculate about her budding relationship

(They) knew what it was, he is in love - Netizens set out to prove that Max is in love with Y/N

(We) counted days, I counted miles, to see you there - Y/N arrives in Japan and is reunited with Max

Balancing on breaking branches - Max receives an unexpected delivery as Y/N answers questions from the media and her mother

It’s you and me, there’s nothing like this - As Max gets back to business as usual in Suzuka, wag social media does it’s thing

My (baby flies) like a jet stream - Max has a good day on track and Y/N’s Vogue article goes live

I can read you like a magazine - The internet reacts to mentions of Max in Y/N’s Vogue article

He’s passing by, rare as a glimmer of a comet in the sky - Red Bull securing the WCC is overshadowed by the revelation that Max hates podcasts

The lingering question(s) kept me up - Y/N does an Instagram Q&A

I just may like some explanations - Y/N answers more questions

How you held me in your arms that September night, the first time you ever saw me cry - Set in 2017, we learn what led to Y/N’s dad being dropped as Max’s sponsor, early in their friendship

People started talking, putting us through our paces - When Y/N is spotted out with Elliot, Instagram, Max, and Lando react

I don’t wanna touch you - Y/N finds herself short of breath on her padel date. Later, she appears on Max’s stream

(I) will never make my parents’ mistakes - Y/N’s dad hears about her dating life, and her mother weighs in

Drinking on a (yacht) with you all over me - Y/N and Max kick of his birthday celebrations with a day on the water, while Elliot changes his tune

I’d pick you up and we’d go back in time - Y/N and Max bring in his birthday somewhere special

We’re gonna be timeless - It’s Max’s birthday, but Y/N isn’t the only one planning surprises

Take the moment and taste it - Max enjoys a birthday boat day with family and friends, and Vic makes an accidental discovery

There’s glitter on the floor after the party - It’s the morning after night before. Max and Vic discuss Y/N’s letter

Movin’ on was always easy for me to do - Y/N and Elliot meet up to talk and Y/N’s friend weighs in. Y/N’s tweets irritate Max

Your eyes look like (being at) home - Y/N goes riding, Lando proposes plans, and Max has plans of his own

No I didn’t hear the news, ‘cause we were somewhere else - Max and Y/N arrive in Doha, but rumours about Max’s Monaco exploits follow them

You heard the rumours from (your friends) - Max attends Media Day while Y/N hangs out with an old friend

‘Cause they don’t know about the night in the hotel - Max’s GQ interview exposes an interesting part of Max and Y/N’s past

I was dancing around, dancing around it - Y/N and Clara celebrate Max’s on track triumphs

(You) stand up, champion tonight - Max becomes a three time world champion

This life is sweeter than fiction - Max wins in Qatar in a physically gruelling race

Life makes love look hard - Back in Monaco, Y/N is seen out with Elliot, and he makes a bold suggestion

Can we always be this close? - Y/N and Max have a chill day at home and while Twitter notice Max made an admission in an interview, Y/N makes an admission to Victoria

Inescapable, I’m not even gonna try - Y/N and Max spend a day at the factory, where both realise they may have something to work on

You go talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to me - Y/N’s podcast with Oscar comes out, on the same day she finally films one with Max. Meanwhile, Max uses the sim in an unconventional way

Yes, I remember what you said last night - Y/N’s plans for COTA baffle Christian, and Y/N learns an unexpected fact about the past

Take out, then take me home - Y/N prepares for Austin, and an interview with Max comes out

Love’s a game, wanna play? - Y/N tries her hand at padel after watching Max compete, and Max steams with Redline

Rosé flowing with your chosen family - Clara and Y/N spend the day together, and Clara becomes determined to finish what she started in 2017

(We are) a flight risk, with a fear of falling - Y/N and Max head to the US

Ain’t it funny, rumours fly - Y/N heads to a Ferrari gala as rumours swirl about Max’s next career move amid reports of infighting at Red Bull

As if I don’t already see (it) - The circus settles in to Texas and Y/N’s dad weighs in on Elliot

Can you see right through me? - Y/N and Elliot make a king and awkward paddock debut

I’ve been sleeping so long in a twenty year dark night - Y/N sheds light on her dating history while she and Elliot struggle to adjust to life in the paddock

It’s morning now, it’s brighter now - Y/N reaches out to an old friend for support. Meanwhile, Daniel tries to support Max

The moment I could see it - Max takes another win in Austin while Elliot reaches his breaking point

You’ll find the real thing instead - Y/N and Elliot have an honest conversation

In the name of being honest - Bonus part where Y/N answers Instagram questions after the Austin GP

I’m asking you why - More of Y/N’s post Austin Q&A

You’ve got a girl at home and everybody knows that - Y/N and Max are suspects in the wildest paddock rumour yet as they wrap up their trip to Austin

You learn my secrets and you figure out why I’m guarded - Y/N gets brutally honest with Mick as Max plays goalkeeper twice

You saw the truth in me - Max cuts it close before media day as reports surface of security threats in Mexico

They tell you that you’re lucky, but you’re so confused - Max attends a gruelling media day as Y/N deals with the heat of Mexico

Laughing with (your head in my) lap, like you were my closest friend - Everyone has a tough quali day

This is the golden age - Maxico delivers another win, and Y/N celebrates with tequila

(You would never) me darling, but who could stay? - Y/N and Max arrive in Brazil for a short break before the race

No one has to know what we do - Max and Y/N fall off the map and enjoy some private time

I can’t say anything to your face - Max and Y/N continue to leave each other flustered and Max starts press for the Brazilian GP

The way you move is like a full on rainstorm - Max takes pole in difficult conditions and Y/N gets near her breaking point

We were cards sharks, playing games - Max wins the sprint and Y/N wins games of her own

🚨I’ve had to add a second masterlist for all posts after this point. That can be found here 🚨

#max verstappen x reader #max verstappen #f1 fanfiction #f1 x reader #formula 1 #max verstappen fanfiction #max verstappen x you #f1 imagine #f1 social media au #f1 #lando norris #lando norris x reader #daniel ricciardo #daniel ricciardo x reader #mick schumacher x reader #mick schumacher

[valorascult]

⭐️ RESET ⭐️

——————

- delete contacts you no longer speak to, old notes on phone, playlists you no longer listen to. 📱

- unsubscribe from podcasts, channels, music, remove apps & accounts that you no longer absorb. (replace these things with content the person you’re becoming would consume) 🎵🤍

- go through your wardrobe & create a donate, sell, & keep pile. don’t keep things you haven’t worn in months. before purchasing something, ask yourself if you’ll use it more than 5 times. for every item you bring in, 2-3 items should leave. 👚👙👟

- start adjusting your diet to fit your personal goals. remember that slow motion is better than no motion + discipline is necessary. don’t force yourself to get healthy / fit in one week this is a steady win - avoid burnout. writing your goals every week helps. ✍🏼🍳🍎🫐🥑

- practice detachment. i don’t mean from emotions & becoming ‘stoic’ but from materialistic objects, remove yourself from labels, become nothing so that you may become something. detach yourself from people that no longer serve you, stop dwelling on the past; there is only ‘right now’. detach yourself from the future, it is not promised & only creates anxious emotions. 🧠🫀🦶🏼

- learn to become comfortable with the uncomfortable. train yourself with breath work. I recommend pranayama, morning & night. I used to be anxious about anything that is ‘new’ until I started simply breathing properly & quieting my mind first thing when I wake up, I swear by it. 💆🏼‍♀️

- journal morning & night. track your mental + emotional patterns. write down why you feel a certain way & if you don’t know why, break it down instead of looking at the bigger picture. 📓

I could list more but I will end it here. There are levels to a reset. (lvl 1)

#affirm #affirmations #void state #law of abundance #law of assumption #positive affirmations #self concept #desired reality #self concept affirmations #law of detachment #affirmyourreality #manifestation #manifesting #master manifestor #life coaching #lifestyle #dream life #loa tumblr #loa #law of affirmation #law of attraction #law of manifestation #subconscious mind

[mattphobiia]

ok so... i was wondering if you could write a matt or chris smut where they are in the podcast studio with the reader (their gf) and thye try to not get caught

(please tag @mattsfavwh3re)

PODCAST.

disclaimer: heres some more smut AGAIN, im rlly treating you all right now😭😭 also this was suggested by @mattsfavwh3re so thank you!!! hope you enjoy this ml😛😛 also working on more requests so pls be patient🙏

₊˚⊹ ᰔ

the triplets and i all sat in our spots before nick began to set up the cameras to record as they all opened up todays video topic. i was sat next to matt with an extra microphone as they introduced me as their guest, matt's girlfriend. i waved over to one of the cameras before smiling as they all laugh, making me feel confused and nervous. did i do something wrong already?

"thats the wrong camera." matt whispered in my ear, making me freeze in embarrassment as i sigh. "don't worry about it, other guests make that mistake." his hand slowly reaches under the studio desk, resting onto my thigh before we all engaged in the topic.

meanwhile, his hand rubbed against me in slow circular motion as each movement of his moved further up until he was at my inner thigh, nearly making me choke mid sentence.

"are you good?" nick asked concerned while i reach over to grab my bottle of water, taking a quick sip before gaining my composure.

"yeah, let's continue-" i cut myself off when matt suddenly slips my underwear to the side while his index and middle finger hovered over my folds before spreading them apart, making me shudder at the sudden contact. one finger was now touching my clit directly as i bit my lip hard, nodding along to nick and chris while matt stayed quiet, trying to hide his smirk.

the tip of his finger now dragged along agonisingly slow as both now pressed against my clit and rubbed softly in slow circles. with no warning, he suddenly inserted his fingers inside me before slowly thrusting them in and out. my hand nearly flew under the desk as i tried to grab his wrist and pull him away, but his grip was stronger than mine. his leg hooked around mine under the desk as my legs were now forced to widen. i felt my whole body sweat as i felt my nerves rise higher and higher. my heart was practically pounding against my chest, nearly letting out a moan as i squeezed my eyes shut, resting my head against the cold surface of the table.

"guys! are you even paying attention? seriously, whatever you two are doing needs to stop." chris groans, rolling his eyes at us both while nick stops talking to look at us both.

"what even are you doing?" nick asks hesitantly, an unreadable expression on his face, but before i try to speak up, no words could come to my mind.

"she beens complaining that she doesn't feel well." matt adds in, feeling relief wash over me before i pull his hand away whilst he was distracted. "i think we should just have a break and continue later."

we both immediately got up from our places as i nearly rushed out of the room, matt following behind me while chris and nick glanced to each other across the room, giving confused looks. when i shut the studio door, i slapped matt on his arm, looking at him with a death stare.

"what was that?!" i yell, grabbing onto his shirt in frustration as i pull him closer to me. i wasn't actually mad, but it was just something you wouldn't usually expect from him.

"awh, am i not allowed to have fun?" he smirks, his hands now resting on my waist, pressing a small kiss to my lips.

"i didn't say that! just don't do that with your brothers there." i sigh, resting my head against his shoulder. "can we go relax now?"

he nods, beginning to interlock his fingers between mine while holding onto my hand gently, now walking away from the podcast studio as we make our way outside.

"i love you." matt smiles.

"i love you more, idiot."

MASTERLIST

a/n: i feel like this isnt my best fic but guys pls im so thankful for all ur reblogs, likes and the support🥹 thank you all so much i appreciate you SO MUCH, you motivated me so much and have gotten me through work (i hate my job), my account is slowly growing and im so happy people like my work! like i say, suggestions are open for anyone but just remember that i have my own personal life so it could take awhile for me to write yours. i do see all my requests! anyways, have a nice day all of you:)

#sturniolo triplets #matt sturniolo #chris sturniolo #nick sturniolo #sturniolo fanfic #sturniolo smut #matt x reader #chris x reader #nick x reader #sturniolo x reader

[andoutofharm]

pete just casually enjoying a basketball game catching up with jimmy butler while patrick frantically drives to the venue is literally a cartoon ass plot

literally 😭😭😭 the a-plot is patrick fighting transportation and the weather and traffic and time itself and the b-plot is pete watching basketball and hugging jimmy butler and making heart eyes at him in slow motion

the c-plot is, apparently, andy and joe going on stage for the damned things 2 paired with a comedy routine + a star wars podcast

#SITCOM ASS BAND

[maybeyouaredreaming]

Do you ever shut the fuck up?

Matty's on one and he's doing your head in with his childish antics. 3062 words. matty x fem reader Warnings - sliiight shame kink/power play, minor substance use, cunnilingus, unprotected sex, romantic choking?? passionate hate fucking, mostly a lot of torturous grinding like teenagers I have ten years' worth of Matty thoughts in my head. Please be kind this is my first fic! My friend made me publish this and I ended up accidentally deleting my 12-year-old blog trying to make a sub-blog so I hope it's worth it, that thing was my entire identity. Feel free to leave me your thoughts xx

He’d been on one since the Brits. Riled up from the backlash with the podcast, the stress of leaving the house in public after all the bashing from the press, and then having to be in the same room as the very people that spend their whole careers criticising him, it’s all compiled to Matty pacing around your house for days on end. But Yungblud’s newest show was it for him. He won’t sit down, he won’t talk about anything else. And it was starting to drive you mental.

“Who the fuck does he think he fuckin’ is? It’s not enough he fucks my old misses and steals my entire persona and aesthetic, covers my fuckin’ song and then smears me on the fuckin’ internet for nowt, now he’s gone and stolen my fuckin’ stage show?”

You breathe deep. Let it go. Let him get it off his chest.

“Yeah, babe. He’s so annoying.” You placate him monotonously, not taking your eyes off your phone. Scrolling meaninglessly through your Instagram feed.

“What a fuckin’ loser he is.” He huffs and leaves the room.

You relish the moment of silence however fleeting it is before he’s back in the room holding his stash box, and rolling another giant spliff in his hands as he sits right beside you on the couch when he starts again.

“I just don’t believe it, babe, honestly who the fuck does he think he is?”

You watch as he licks the edge of the rollie paper to enclose it and twists the top in his nimble fingers, your phone now discarded on the coffee table forgotten. Watching almost in slow motion as he drags his tongue across the paper. The action alone causing a light flush to heat the back of your neck, picturing the last time that tongue was pressed against your very core.

He takes you out of your reverie by lighting the spliff and handing it to you, an unspoken habit of his that you get first drag. Matty envelops himself around you on the couch, taking up your personal space and getting as close as possible. Usually an action that you enjoy, but he’s so irritating, so grating, at the moment that your skin crawls at the closeness. You breathe deep, toking the weed into your lungs, inhaling most of it and hand him back the spliff; which he takes deep into his own lungs so close to your ear you hear the draw he makes. Spurred on by his perception of your silence to mean you’re listening intently to everything he has to say, every thought racing around his head, he continues ranting. But you’re not paying attention. Instead, the growing irritation of him being so caught up on Yungblud, Halsey, and the press, whatever else the fuck he’s ranting about that you’re not following along with because he. Just. Won’t. Stop.

Pushing your anger down more, you snatch the spliff out of his hands and claim the rest as your own while he gets his phone out inspired by both his high and his anger and opens his Instagram. You watch off to the side while he goes on a rant on his Instagram stories, impersonating Dom’s accent. You watch his exaggerated expressions, his lips moving in a way they don’t usually, and the horrendous but accurate impression of Yungblud’s ridiculous accent. While otherwise entertaining, the pettiness and ridiculousness is suddenly almost rather ugly to you. Annoying in the very least. It’s a side of him you’ve seen before many a time, sardonicism being a language and humour you both share, but it has never put you off quite like this.

The more he speaks the more you want to scream at him.

You draw yourself from his side and stand up from the couch, deciding a cup of tea is all you need. Spliff still in hand, you reach into your cupboard and pull out your favourite tea mug, the kind almost the size of a soup bowl that was perfect for rainy days and shitty moods, and turn the kettle on. Between the final drags of the spliff, you butt the smouldering empty roach out in the filling ashtray on the counter and pull out a bag of lavender destressing tea from the pantry and place it in your mug. You can hear him still ranting in the loungeroom, saying something about “the underrated youth, fucking, generation” and even in the muffled distance it adds to the annoyance.

You take a deep breath and turn and face the kettle now hissing at boiling point from its dock. The throbbing in your skull grows louder as you focus on pouring the boiling water into your mug when you hear him shuffle into the kitchen behind you, feet dragging on the floor like a petulant child. Another deep breath and you take your first scalding hot sip, too annoyed to wait the minute for it to cool down as you usually do. If the weed isn’t calming you down, this tea is your last hope. He just stands there, up against the kitchen sink looking at you, clearly expecting you to initiate conversation so when it doesn’t come he speaks again because he can never let the silence linger. Can never let there be a moment of silence in his own mind. You’re never allowed a single moment of fucking peace.

“Have you seen it, babe? Watch this git-“ you cut him off, slamming the full mug on the bench and scalding your hand, but you’re too livid to notice and turn around to face him seething and ignoring the searing pain of your now-burning flesh.

“Do you ever shut the FUCK up? You’re so fucking obnoxious, Matthew!” Face flushed and eyes wide, your breathing deepens until your chest is heaving with the rage you’re feeling, the audible breaths filling the room. Unable to hold your ire back from the unwitting man in front of you.

He’s never seen you this angry before and for a moment he shrinks into himself, made several sizes smaller from the accusation and his own face flushing, before he steps up to you, toe-to-toe, face closer and eyes ablaze in mutual anger.

Finally silence. You’re practically nose-to-nose staring each other down intensely, looking for something in each other's eyes and finding only fire.

Until he snatches you by the neck pulling your face forcefully into his own. You kiss each other with such burning passion you become a mess of tangling limbs, clutching at his hair and pulling harshly, trying to get closer to him. He pushes you up against the counter, never removing his mouth from yours, hips grinding forcefully into yours allowing you to feel just how your intensity has him riled up as well. A growing heat between you as you gasp for the air he allows you to steal between tongues lashing. He wants to taste your anger, steal the breath from your lungs, feel you wreathing beneath him. You move together, two comets ablaze crashing into each other. His hands roam your body under your rising shirt, never landing in the same place while still grinding his body into yours impossibly close. He kisses down your neck open mouth eliciting a sinful groan to slip from your lips from the combination of his mouth, his hands, his body. Him.

You feel your control of the moment slipping further away. The control you need to satiate your anger truly. So you take it back bringing his mouth back to yours and push against him off the counter and steer your entwined bodies to the lounge. He stops you in the doorway to the loungeroom and pushes you up against the cool cement wall and takes back the control he briefly relinquished. Continuing his vicious attack to your neck, your collarbone, below your ear. Unrelenting lips, teeth, tongue, claiming your skin and setting you on fire further. Moan's slip from both of your mouths, his shuddering breaths against your skin, hot and wet.

You break your shared silence, between struggling for air and giving over to the sexual deviant he never fails to bring out of you. Tired of always letting him guide the moments you share, you flip your positions so he’s against the wall and clutch his jaw, bringing him to look you directly in the eyes again and relinquish his claim from your body, your other hand pushing him further into the wall. He doesn’t fight the position from the shock of the unexpected change of momentum. He’s never seen this side of you before. Dominant. Domineering. Taking possession of him.

“So, you can shut up.” You sneer, red and swollen lips curling in minor disgust. He groans at your tone and the position of helplessness he’s in, entirely enraptured by your fierceness. A shame kink he’s never expected to get off on emerging in the back of his mind. He wants to give in to you but his stubbornness tries to win him over again and he grabs your wrist holding your hand in place.

“You’ll have to make me.” He grunts back.

And that’s all it takes for you to pull him back into you and stumble the rest of the way to the couch, lips attached with fervour and fire. You draw away briefly, “Shirt and pants off. Now.” You demand. He complies, now free of all but his boxers he stands in front of you, reaching for you again but you step away and push him down to the couch with just enough force he doesn’t fight. You stand above him as he lies on the couch, taken aback for a second again, his own chest heaving, breath heavy and eyes hooded from lust before he drags you on top of him. Hands clutching your own shirt and tearing it off your body, buttons flying. You give him this, but only this, wanting to rid your hot flesh of the material clinging to your skin. It’s not what you want touching you. Not what you need touching you right now.

Your pants and now decimated shirt join his clothes on the floor. You join mouths again, lips and teeth resume clashing in a heated awkwardness you both ignore in your shared desperation. Hands roaming each other more, grinding like sexually repressed teenagers, edging but never quite relenting to ecstasy when his hands roam to your hips and clutch you against him, guiding your movements and force. Each clothed stroke brings a pant from his mouth you draw into your own mouth. He kisses down your neck again, his favourite spot. You take your newfound freedom to give him your next demand.

“If you really want to use that mouth as much as you insist, at least put it to good use.”

You take your body off his, him groaning from the movement and sudden disappearance of pressure where he wanted it most, and you lay back against the couch cushions expectant and waiting. It doesn’t take him long to clue onto what you’re asking and in a lithe move he shifts position and leans over your body, attaching his lips to your chest, your stomach, drifting lower and lower while drawing his hands up your legs enticingly. Inching closer and closer, drawing goosebumps over your skin. The feeling he brings you, even in your bad mood, is elating and you feel yourself slowly give over to his hands, his lips, and his gentle and worshipping touch. The exact opposite of what you want right now.

Between sighs and gentle brushes of his hair, your newfound dominant side kicks in again and you’re pulling the hair at the nape of his neck again. “Touch me properly, Healy.”

His breath hitches where he’s working on worshipping your stomach, every inch of your torso kissed and nuzzled by his face, taking in the scent of your skin when he finally runs his palm over your core. Feeling the sticky wetness pooling in your underwear already. Something primal snaps within him as he tears the remaining clothing from your body and attaches his lips to where you need him most. All lips, and tongue, and nose, and gentle fingers working themselves to satisfy you, he palms your now free breasts with his other hand. He eats you out like a man starved, barely coming up for air. Eventually adding a long and callused finger to your slick cunt, coaxing pants out of you and a slowly arching back.

You stroke his curls as he works, cajoling him. “I love it when you’re quiet. Such a. Good. Man when you’re not talking shit.” Your panting turns to moans as he circles your clit with his tongue, taking it in turns to suck, to lick, to bite. Equal parts humiliation and encouragement spur him on as he adds another finger to your soaking core, gentle spasms begin to surface from your well-attended clit. Your stomach tenses as his tongue and fingers work in unison to build you to a crescendo. The hand tending faithfully to your chest slowly moves down your torso back to its place at your hip, securing you in place firmly. Spurred on by the growing sensation in your belly, you clasp your legs around his head and begin moving your hips in response, riding his face from below. Your right leg hooked around his strong back, muscles rippling under your calf from the tensing of his movements, heel digging in, toes curling. Encouraging him further. He grows in pace and determination.

He will bring you to the edge. He will throw you off that cliff of ecstasy and then plunder your bones for his own sweet release. He adds a third finger, tormenting your g spot he drags from your body every shuttering ounce of orgasm that’s ever been drawn from you by anyone ever before. Earth-shattering raptures of bliss take over your body and mind, releasing from your consciousness the anger you felt for the very man that brought you to your current state. He laps your divine juices in his mouth, not wasting a drop of his reward for good behaviour. He kisses his way back up your overstimulated body still responding from his work, pulsing, undulating, and so very o-drunk, he takes advantage of your blissed-out state to reassert his own control. He kisses you deeply and you taste yourself on his lips. You thank him wordlessly, forgiving him momentarily.

“Am I forgiven, baby? Did I do well?” He asks into your mouth, grinding into your oversensitive core to remind you that work is yet to be done to bring him his own deserved release. You nod, mewling in response. You bring a hand to his cheek and stroke it as he kisses your neck again. “So good to me, Matty. So attentive.” He groans again, your words stroking his need to be appreciated, to be validated.

With your senses slowly coming back to you through shared kisses and soft touches, you trace your own way down his body and free his rock-solid cock from its cotton prison. The intensity of your tryst has bought him close to the edge multiple times without you having to touch him where he needs you to most, the desire to satisfy and appease you first is enough motivation to both fulfil and distract him from his own burning urges. Your feather-light touch to his engorged penis sends a whole body shudder through him in his position above you. If you continued to touch him so sinfully he’d come undone in your hand.

Gasping he takes your hand in his shaking grip, “Babe, if you keep touching me while looking like that I’ll cum right here. I need to be IN you.” And who are you to deny a man on the edge his only wish? You take a moment to lightly stroke his penis against your still-soaking entrance and make eye contact with him hooded eyes to hooded eyes, both of you with blown-out pupils from shared euphoria.

You both sigh as he enters you, taking a moment once he’s bottomed out, the base of his shaft against your labia. Hip to hip. With one hand, he grasps your throat tenderly, your hand holding his wrist to encourage his movement. Eyes still locked, nose to nose, he starts moving his hips encouraging your own slow movements with his other hand back in place on your hips. Breathing through the other's mouths, lips barely touching in anticipation, sharing moans and mewls and groans, he picks up pace forming a steady rhythm. The pressure and force building with hips bumping off the others, pants and moans filling the air, each other’s sweat coating your bodies. Neither of you can tell where he begins and you end. Joined as one, you wrap your legs around his body to keep him close, your free hand drawing blood down his back trying to grasp for something, anything. The rapture he’s causing your body is intense again, places he’s never reached before in his many explorations of your body have been tormented and punished. He elicits a scream from your chest, his name falling from your lips like a curse, like a song. Toes curling again, you pant, you cry out. “Yes, Matty. Yes! YES! UGH!”

And that’s enough for him to let go with a grunt and pant. Sapping him of all energy, you feel his warm sperm fill you up as he collapses across your body, still inside you, pulsing. He draws his arms around your body in a tender embrace and leaves a soft kiss on your still-heaving chest. You both lay like that for a moment, just breathing. You playing softly with his hair and him drawing circles on your cooling skin.

He finds the strength to push himself up from you and remove himself from your vagina and then laying back in your arms and kissing his way back up to your lips.

“Where the fuck did that come from?” He asks in disbelief. Shock crosses his face when he comes to. And you both start laughing as the intensity of what just passed you both sets in.

“Sometimes you just need to be kept quiet.” You say laughing and he pinches your nipple in response laughing with you.

#matty healy #matty healy fanfiction #matty healy oneshot #matty healy x reader #the 1975 imagines #sub matty #he's so fucking annoying sometimes #i love it when he shuts the fuck up #matty healy one shot #matty x reader #Instagram

[overandunderland]

Do No Harm.

Mareth x Hamnet Fluff.

Fix It AU, Hamnet and Mareth reconcile their time apart, hamnets return and things left undone. Hamnet is having a hard time reassimilating. Mareth doesn't want to lose him again, and he's quite fond of being in Hazards life. (inspired by the Return to Regalia Podcast Hamareth propaganda episode in which I've been radicalized.)

There's a longer version that leans into a NSFW version of this(in progress) but you know 💅 who's actually checking for Hamnareth out here?

In the heart of the apothecary, nestled deep within the palace's labyrinthine embrace, the air was thick with the scent of exotic spices and the sharp tang of crushed herbs. It was a sanctuary of sorts, a place where the outside world's ceaseless clamor was replaced by the soothing monotony of Hamnet's mortar and pestle. Each motion was precise, a dance of creation as he ground the herbs into a fine paste. For Hamnet, it was perfect. His time in the jungle had afforded him the proper knowledge needed to flourish here. He had to admit he felt thankful for Queen Luxa's appointment. It gave him something to do, some way to help. He noticed it also kept him out of view, his visitors being the occasional nurse or nanny.

"You are good with him," Hamnet said, his voice breaking through the rhythm of his work, carrying a warmth that seemed at odds with the cool, almost clinical atmosphere of the apothecary. The room, despite its embrace of spiced cleanliness, was a stark departure from the dank thickness of the jungle—a world Hamnet's attire stubbornly clung to. His clothes were a riot of colors and patterns that sang of distant lands and untamed wilderness. It was a statement, a declaration of his roots, and a testament to the life he had lived beyond the palace walls, making him stand out against the backdrop of stone and shadow.

Their reunion had been a whirlwind, a collision of past and present brought on by the urgent need for a cure to the plague that had gripped the land. Time, it seemed, had been a luxury they could not afford, swept away by the tide of necessity and duty. But it was during the trial of Solovet, Hamnet's mother, that the walls between them had finally crumbled. A lengthy trip to The Waters and several nights' stay in the hospital seemingly removed a decade of jungle from Hamnet's person. However, it would be impossible to wash away The Garden, to wash away the loss of Frill. That would forever stain.

Now, as Hamnet's gaze settled on Mareth, who carried his son in a piggyback embrace, a semblance of peace seemed to settle over him. Hazard, with his tousled curls obscuring his eyes, slumbered on, oblivious to the weight of history and the burdens of legacy that surrounded them.

"He is fond of you," Hamnet remarked, a simple statement that carried layers of unspoken gratitude and acknowledgment of the bond that had formed between Mareth and his son.

Mareth, pacing the room with a deliberate slowness designed to lull Hazard into deeper sleep, responded with a soft chuckle. "I share in that sentiment. He reminds me quite a bit of you in our youth—how it took us time to get you to open up," he said, his voice a blend of nostalgia and something unidentified. "It seems I find myself chasing that same goal once again."

A shadow of a frown threatened Hamnet's face, the beginnings of a storm that was quickly quelled by a practiced smile. In the past, there was no need for facades, no place for pretense. Mareth knew the depths of Hamnet's heart. At least—what he had allowed. Things were different now, they were men. They had both been soldiers, suffered greatly because of it. Yet here Mareth stood, wounded yes, but his resolve, remained unchanged. It had still drawn Hamnet, like a life's flame

"Adjusting to Regalian life again, it's been... tasking," Hamnet confessed, the words heavy, laden with the weight of unvoiced struggles. As he worked, extracting the essence from the herbs, his actions spoke of a man well-acquainted with the art of transformation, of extracting light from the depths of darkness. "My niece is Queen, my mother stands accused of endangering the Underland—a threat that once loomed over us all. It's a burden I cannot, will not, take lightly."

"I'd argue the burden I carry currently, is heavier." Mareth quipped, attempting to lighten the mood.

He is heavier than he looks, how did you manage in the jungle?"

With a gentle gesture towards a small bed nestled in the corner of the apothecary, designed for those in less immediate need of care, Hamnet wordlessly invited Mareth to ease Hazard down onto its welcoming surface. The boy, even in sleep, seemed to find comfort instinctively, nestling into the bed with a contentedness that spoke volumes of the security he felt in this place, however unfamiliar.

Mareth then turned, approaching the counter where Hamnet continued his meticulous work, his hands never ceasing in their task. It was then he ventured, with a softness in his voice that belied the weight of his words, "This burden, Hamnet— isn't yours to bear alone."

At this, Hamnet's concentration fractured, his brow furrowing as he met Mareth's gaze. A mix of incredulity and pain flashed through his eyes. "Do you truly believe that?" he snapped, the words sharp, laden with years of unspoken fears and uncertainties. "That I hold no fault for everything that's transpired? That you harbor no ill will towards me?"

Mareth's response was a sigh intertwined with a grumble, a sound that tugged at the threads of memory within Hamnet's mind. It was a sound he had heard many times during their sparring sessions in youth, a prelude to concession or admission. The familiarity of it caused Hamnet's breath to catch. He was back, in the arena, pinning Mareth to the ground, exhausted, and embarrassed.

"I did... for a while," Mareth admitted, the words heavy, tinged with a resignation born of time and reflection. "Yet, as the days turned to weeks and your return was postponed, worry was all that brewed within me. Concern for you—your well-being, took precedence over any feelings of betrayal."

Hamnet's tense shoulders dropped, a visible release of the anxiety that had knotted within him at the prospect of Mareth's resentment. His relief was palpable, a silent exhale in the midst of the apothecary's herbal-scented air. For a moment, it seemed as if a chasm that had yawned wide between them was starting to narrow, bridged by Mareth's words of understanding and concern. Yet, Mareth wasn't finished. The weight of his gaze didn't waver as he took a step closer, his voice carrying a depth of emotion that hinted at the years of unspoken truths between them.

"You ask why I saved you in Hesperides? I preserved your life because that's the action you take for those you hold dear. Our bond transcended friendship;You were important to me, Hamnet. Your departure—it wasn't treachery, but it created an emptiness. I would have undertaken anything to convince you to remain."

At Mareth's admission, a pang of regret lanced through Hamnet's heart, a sharp contrast to the soft hum of the apothecary around them. His head bowed, a whisper of an apology escaping his lips, shrouded in a veil of shame. Crossing the space between them, Mareth placed a hand on Hamnet's shoulder, his touch grounding, a silent reassurance of his presence. "I did not mean to upset you," he apologized, the words soft, yet laden with a complexity of emotions that seemed to resonate within the confines of the apothecary.

Lifting his gaze, Hamnet looked up, his eyes tracing the contours of Mareth's face—a landscape marked by the passage of time and the scars of battles fought, both in war and in their youthful escapades. Each mark was a story, a memory of their shared past that spoke of courage, laughter, and the bonds forged in the crucible of adventure. There, in Mareth's features, was the essence of the man he had known and the changes wrought by time, yet the underlying truth remained—this was Mareth, humorous, loyal, and undeniably handsome.

The intensity of Hamnet's gaze brought a warmth to Mareth's neck, a recognition of the depth of their connection. It was a look that stirred memories of days long past, filled with the promise of youth and the unspoken words that lingered between them. That look held a call, one that had echoed in the depths of Mareth's soul, unanswered yet ever-present.

"I couldn't stay... I didn't want to—" Hamnet began, his voice faltering as he grappled with the words, the weight of his decisions.

"Do more harm, I know this," Mareth interjected, his voice a gentle balm to the raw edges of Hamnet's confession. "But you are here now, Hamnet. Your mother is confined to her quarters, your niece is Queen, Bartholomew's warrior is amongst us."

"And you are here." Hamnet added.

""Aye, and well we both know I was better of steering you clear of mischief. I recall you clinging to my every word."

"If they came from your lips." Hamnet admitted, their gaze catching one another's.

"If they had told you to stay—would you?" Asked the solider.

"Every instinct in me is screaming to flee once more, Mareth. I sense the weight of everyone's gaze upon me, and I'm aware of the whispers that fill these halls, but if you required it of me, I would stay."

"I require it," Mareth said, the words escaping him with a fervency that surprised even himself, his voice nearly breaking under the strain of emotions long held at bay. The promptness of his reply, the raw need evident in those three simple words, cut through the tension between them, prompting an unexpected laugh from Hamnet. The sound, muffled yet unmistakably joyful, reverberated through Mareth, awakening a cascade of sensations that he had dared not acknowledge until now.

The laughter, so genuine and unguarded, was a balm to Mareth's soul, a reminder of the man before him—not a figment of his desires, but flesh and blood, real and within reach. His initial impulse was to close the distance between them, to bridge the gap of years and unspoken truths with the simplicity of touch. His hands reached out, driven by a longing that had lain dormant, fingers inches from Hamnet's face before he caught himself, the suddenness of his own actions leaving him exposed, vulnerable.

The tension in the air was palpable, charged with the unspoken and the undeniable. Hamnet's sharp intake of breath was a silent testament to the turmoil that mirrored Mareth's own—a desperate need to belong, to be understood, to be accepted. And yet, in the vulnerability of the moment, Hamnet leaned into the roughness of Mareth's palms, an act of trust, of surrender.

Mareth, overwhelmed by the proximity, the shared warmth, felt tears tracing paths down his cheeks, the emotion of the moment breaking through the dams of his restraint. "Stay, and I will make sure you do no harm. If you, and Hazard will have me—"

The answer came when Hamnet bridged the gap between them, his lips finding Mareth's in a kiss that was both a seal of promises and the kindling of a fire long suppressed. It was deep, intense, a melding of desire and something far more profound that had been forged in the crucible of their shared past and the trials they had faced, both together and apart. In this kiss, Hamnet poured all the longing, all the fears and hopes he had harbored. Mareth's initial shock at the contact melted into an answering fervor, his own pent-up longing and affection bursting forth. He returned the kiss with an intensity that matched, then exceeded, Hamnet's initial desperation. Mareth's hands, initially hesitant, now cradled Hamnet's face with a tenderness that spoke volumes, grounding them both in the reality of the moment.

The kiss deepened, a confluence of years of suppressed emotions, unspoken words, and the raw, unvarnished need that had lingered between them, unacknowledged yet ever-present. Mareth's response was instinctive, a natural counterpart to Hamnet's ardor, his lips moving with a passion that was both a claim and a surrender. It was as if, in this kiss, they were both seeking and offering solace, acknowledging the pain of their past separations even as they reveled in the present reunion. Breaking the kiss, they remained close, foreheads pressed together, breathing each other's air, their breaths mingling in the quiet aftermath. In that moment, filled with the soft sounds of their shared existence.

#gregor the overlander #the underland chronicles #tuc #fanfic #hamnet/mareth #hamareth #give me my gay solider/medic plotline i need it

[midwestmade29]

Distraction 😏

I was in the mood to write some smut, so this is what I came up with! This one is for all my fellow Christian girlies 🥰

My story was inspired by this picture from Adam Copeland’s Instagram (It’s from 2018):

Okay, now back to writing my requested stories 🤣

Due to the explicit nature, this story is NSFW or minors. If you are not 18+ please KEEP SCROLLING. Minors do not interact.

Disclaimers: Teasing, masturbation, cursing, unprotected sex. Read at your own discretion.

Word count: 1,313

Divider by: @firefly-graphics

You wanted Christian's attention, and boy did you get it...

It had already been a long day filled with traveling and meetings. You and Christian finally made it back to your hotel room and you were more than ready to snuggle up next to your man in bed. You kicked off your shoes and started removing your jewelry when you noticed Christian texting away on his phone. “I thought you were done with work for today?” You asked as he took a headset out from his carryon bag. “I was, but Adam just asked me if we could finish recording our podcast episode. It shouldn’t take very long. I’ll be all yours when we’re done,” he offered, but it didn’t help ease your disappointment. You sighed and gave your rebuttal, “Can’t it wait until tomorrow? You’ve been going nonstop since 5:30 this morning! Let your mind rest and come to bed with me.” Christian walked over and kissed your forehead as he wrapped you in a warm embrace. He whispered against the top of your head while you nuzzled your face into his chest, “If I do it now, then I can get it over with and have more free time with you tomorrow. I promise I’ll make it quick!”

40 minutes later, Christian was still chatting away with Adam while you flipped through the tv channels. You were growing restless, your eyelids feeling heavy as the minutes ticked on, but you didn’t want to go to sleep without Christian by your side. When you glanced over at him sitting in a chair, you noticed he was almost falling asleep too! You motioned for him to come over and join you in bed, but he smiled and shook his head no. A dramatic sigh escaped your lips and you abruptly turned over in bed facing away from him. The more you laid there pouting, the more your mind started to wander, and then an idea suddenly struck you. You quickly scooted off the bed and grabbed one of Christian’s wrestling shirts from your suitcase, and when you reemerged from the bathroom you could feel Christian’s eyes on you. You decided to give him a show! You tossed your worn clothes towards your bag, “accidentally” missing the opening and shrugged when they fell to the floor. As you bent over to pick them up, the bottom of your t-shirt slid up your body, revealing your bare ass in the process. You knew Christian got a clear view of everything when you heard him gasp and tell Adam through his headset, “N-nothing is wrong. Go on!”

You walked over to the bed and sat down with your legs spread apart, offering Christian a glimpse at what was in between them. You delighted in seeing his jaw drop when you slid your hand under your shirt and started massaging your breasts and toying with your nipples. You drug your fingers down your abdomen and the closer they got to your clit, Christian nearly came unglued! “O-oh my God…” involuntarily fell from his lips when you started making slow circles around the sensitive bundle of nerves, causing you to press your head against the pillow and gasp at your slow movements. Christian tried to remain stoic, but his resolve was rapidly fading the longer he watched you pleasure yourself. He could tell your release was getting close as your breathy pants filled the air and when your hips swayed back and forth against your fingers. While you preferred Christian to pleasure you, there was no denying how erotic it felt playing with yourself while he watched. As you slid a finger inside, he finally had enough of your teasing and abruptly ended his conversation with Adam! Your hand stilled and you closed your legs slightly when he appeared at the foot of the bed. You smiled innocently in his direction before asking, “Did you enjoy watching? Good thing you ended your call when you did. I was about to cum all over my fingers…” Christian immediately started unbuckling his belt and let his pants and boxers slide to the floor, exposing his throbbing cock. Your eyes noticed the precum glistening on his swollen tip and it made you salivate at the sight of it! Christian took his hard length in his hand and started stroking himself slowly, never taking his eyes off you as he spoke, “Since you’re in a teasing mood tonight, how about I make you watch while I stroke myself? All while not being allowed to touch yourself or me. Just lay there and watch as I cum, leaving your pretty little cunt a wet, aching mess! Is that what my little tease wants?”

You shook your head no, but Christian wasn’t satisfied with that. He started stroking his length faster while squeezing himself harder, making you squirm on the bed while you tried to ignore the growing heat between your legs. When he threw his head back and cursed under his breath, you had seen enough! “Christian, please! Stop!” you whined. He chuckled to himself, and his movements stilled when he heard your plea. “What’s wrong, beautiful? Not having fun now that the roles have been reversed?” With a smirk on his face, he crawled onto the bed, and spread your legs with his own before pressing himself against your sensitive cunt. His face was buried in your neck as he kissed and sucked the delicate skin, his lips ghosting along your ear as he whispered, “You thought you were so cute teasing me like that while I was conducting my business. Let’s see how cute you are as I fuck you senseless.” He pulled his shirt over his head before taking yours off too, both of you smiling into the fiery kiss you shared when you were finally skin on skin.

Christian positioned his length at your entrance and in one swift motion, he thrust himself inside of you. He was already sliding in and out of you with ease from your fervent arousal, his thickness stretching your walls as they gripped and pulled him. “God, you feel so fucking good!” Christian said breathlessly. “Were you at least thinking of me while you touched yourself?” A moan escaped your lips preventing you from responding, but Christian was thoroughly enjoying the noises you were making. “Tell me baby. Who were you thinking of that made you so wet?” He hit the sweet spot inside you, making you stammer out your reply, “Y-you Christian. I th-thought ah! About you!” Your confession sent both of you into overdrive, Christian’s thrusts becoming sloppier the closer he got to his release. He let out a feral groan when you wrapped your legs around his waist, pressing him even deeper inside of you. “Yes! Just like that, Christian! P-please don’t stop!” you encouraged. He fucked you just the way you liked, ultimately bringing you to your release. You cried out his name as your back arched off the bed, the pleasure of your orgasm shooting through your entire body. Your fingertips and toes were tingling from the intensity of it, your walls pulsated against Christian. His own release consumed him not long after! His body still pressed you into the mattress while he tried to catch his breath and you reveled in the way it tickled each time he exhaled on your chest. Once he steadied himself, he pulled out of you and rolled over onto his back and closed his eyes. He was officially spent! Your sigh caught his attention though, and he slowly opened his eyes and asked you what was wrong. “You didn’t kiss me goodnight!” you complained as you scooted over closer to him. Christian opened his arms welcoming you into his embrace as he murmured, “Still so needy, even after I just fucked you. You’re insatiable baby.” You smiled against his chest, drifting off to sleep as fatigue officially overtook both of you.

#christian cage #jay reso #captain charisma #instant classic #christian4peeps #aew #all elite wrestling #christian cage fanfic #christian cage fanfiction #fanfiction #fanfic #aew fanfiction #adam copeland #adam edge copeland #rated r superstar #edge and christian #christian cage x you #christian cage x reader

[cakeofthepan]

As part of my quest to get folks to listen to dndads, I give you the moment that absolutely sold me on this podcast: The bag of beans.

[Audio Transcript:

[Beans Beans Beans by Quilla plays in the background]

Darryl: Hey, what do these beans do?

Anthony: [laughs] Everything goes

Everything: They look like weird magic beans. I usually don't mess with them because they're too random. I don't know. They might do weird stuff if you throw them at the ground. I kind of don't want any, any part of them

Darryl: Henry! Don't worry we got you something too!

Matt: And I pull the beans out, and I chuck the bag down—like the elevator shaft. [wheezes]

Will: Yesss.

Anthony: Wait—so like all of them go down?! Like—

[all laugh]

Matt: [while laughing] I don't know—how tight—how tight was that bag?

Anthony: Oh no.

[all still laughing]

Anthony: Oh Jesus Christ.

Beth: Oh my God.

Will: Yessss. In my head I was like “throw the beans!”

Anthony: Okay, so here's one I’m going to do. I'm going to fill this plastic bag that I brought all my dice in with exactly eight dice—

Freddie: Oh my God.

Will: Yesss.

Freddie: I have a stairwell right outside my place.

Anthony: Oh, okay.

[Will laughs]

Freddie: —and you can chuck it down like—how many stories? Like two stories.

Anthony: Yeah, like two stories.

Beth: Yeah.

Freddie: Yeah.

Matt: Okay.

Will: Alright.

Freddie: Yeah, let's do that. Let's go.

Will: Alright, we're going on the road. [laughs]

[audio quality has changed, they are now in a stairwell]

Freddie: Alright. Okay. So, we are in the stairwell. Anthony’s about to drop the bag to test how many beans fall out of it, to simulate a proper two story drop. So Anthony, you good?

Anthony: [very far away and echo-y sounding] Yeah. Count me down!

Freddie: Alright, three, two, one, drop.

[dice clatter and hit metal, falling down the stairwell]

Beth: Oh!

Matt: Ohhhh!!

[all laugh]

Freddie: Half the bag, baby!

Will: Is that four beans?!

Freddie: That was four—we got four.

Will: Oh my God!

Matt: Yes.

[back to regular audio quality]

Matt: Okay, should we see these all once? I feel like the real experience is that you should roll and then tell them us all four things that happen.

[overlapping talking]

Anthony: Oh no.

Matt: Cause that’s how we’ll experience it.

Anthony: Alright, alright. Well I got to write them down then. Just a second.

Will: I’m very scared.

Freddie: What if it was just four of like, the lamest things in a row?

Will: I'm kinda hoping it is—

Beth: Yeah.

Will: —cause I will die.

[Anthony rolling dice in the background]

Freddie: Can we talk about kind of the the weight limit and rating of this elevator as I do feel like we’re starting to overload it.

Will: That’s a good question too.

Anthony: [kind of strained, upset] Ohhh nooo.

[laughter]

Anthony: Ohhhh nooooo.

Will: What!

Anthony: That was the one thing I was hoping you wouldn’t roll.

Will: Oh God.

Beth: Oh.

Anthony: Oh no. This is going to be such a left turn. Okay. So lemme— So— [noise of despair]  

[laughter]

Anthony: Why did I give you this? I knew in my heart, I was like, “Don't give them this. Don't give them—”

Matt: Why’d you let me take it?

Anthony: Yeah, why did I?

Beth: Oh my god.

Anthony: I wanted you to have it, but I just also didn't, and now I'm fucking reaping the fruits of my labors.

[Music fades out]

Anthony: Okay so first, three things that don't matter at all happen.

[all laugh]

[Hand Me Down That Can O’ Beans from Paint Your Wagon starts playing]

Beth: Okay, cool.

[more laughter]

Beth: Let’s hear ‘em!

Anthony: Almost as if in slow motion you see the following: one, a nest of—

[Freddie and Will laugh]

Anthony: —five eggs springs up.

Beth: Haha, yes!

Anthony: If anyone wants to eat one, we can talk about that later.

[laughter]

Anthony: The second thing that happens is a geyser erupts from the center of the elevator shaft and spouts apple juice thirty feet into the air, so like— [makes eruption noise] —hits you guys in the face for [rolls dice] seven rounds.

[laughter]

Anthony: The third thing that happens is… eleven pink toads appear.

[Beth laughs]

Anthony: —and whenever a toad is touched it transforms into a large or smaller monster of my choice, which would seem like “oh what a big deal!”

Matt: Yeah that’s pretty bad.

Beth: Seems like a big deal, yeah.

Anthony: Seems like a big deal! Until… a pyramid with a 60 foot square base bursts in the middle of the fucking elevator shaft!

[laughter]

Beth: Uhhhh

Freddie: What!

Will: Yes! Yes!

[laughter]

Anthony: So the entire building—

[more laughter that continues as Anthony talks]

Anthony: —is bisected by this spontaneously spawning 60 foot fucking pyramid.

Matt: With apple juice geysing out of the top!

Anthony: With apple juice coming— like a fucking ejaculation of apple juice out of the top of it and the fucking eggs that you could have eaten roll down the side—

Anthony: Remember you guys are halfway up this tower, so this fucking pyramid bisected the tower and it's now like rickety in the middle of this goddamn tower. So what I’m gonna do is…this is real stupid but why not do it. Can you hand me extra d6s.

Freddie: Are you building a tower out of dice?

Anthony: So I'm going to do is going to build a tower of four dice and have the pyramid on top of it right there. And if at any point any one of us accidentally knocks down the tower, I'll just say that the pyramid also falls.

Freddie: Okay, all right. So we gotta be real gentle.

Anthony: Right.

Freddie: This may be the end of Boreanaz-sticky, covered in apple juice.

Anthony: No!

Beth: Oh my God. Oh my God.

[all yelling]

Anthony: Literally my very first roll!

Freddie: What did you do?

Will: He knocked the tower down.

Beth: Oh my God, he knocked over the entire pyramid.

[music fades out]

Anthony: It's funny because on the item description for the bag of beans, the very first thing it says, is like, if somebody tries to throw all them at once, here's how you do that—and I’m like, “but nobody would do that—

[all laugh]

Anthony: —that’s insane!”

[more laughter]

Anthony: I’m literally not going to tell them about that, because that’d be an absolutely absurd thing to try to do.

[even more laughter]

End Transcript]

#dndads #dungeons and daddies #side note: there are lots of very good songs about beans for some reason #I really had to narrow down the options for bg music #anyway plz listen to dndads if you like dnd podcasts #my audio #long post

[dawsonscreekwasalwaysbad]

funniest parts of inside job pt 2

mommy likey drinky

“santa is fake! but student debt is real!” “you had to learn sometime, brayden”

“this is gonna be the most globally damaging midlife crisis since elon musk” oh that is APT

“ok boomer”

“are you poland? because that german guy straight-up owned you”

reagan saying that alex jones “looks like an orangutan fucked a fire hydrant”

“i’m the only one left who will listen to me!”

spending the whole episode confused on why oprah is back and then seeing her yell “i’m not the first oprah!”

“our missions do feel suspiciously like b-stories”

“why is my wallet on a metal leash? where would it be trying to go?”

lights being mothman’s kryptonite is a very obvious joke but it still works every time

KEANU FUCKING REEVES

“MOTHERFUCKER!” “well, he is fucking reagan’s mother, so yes. motherfucker.”

*takes out a lotus* “i don’t put these in my pocket. they grow there spontaneously.”

“i’m feeling drained from staring meaningfully into the distance”

“after dating so many billionaires, his millionaire lifestyle keeps me grounded”

the pussy posse being amazed and confounded by brett’s respect women juice

the real reason leonardo dicaprio only dates women under 25

“someone on the internet found out margot robbie is cgi” FINALLY SOMEONE WHO AGREES WITH ME

reagan accidentally imitating owen wilson

“when i’m done with you, men will look at you the way they look at me: briefly!”

gigi’s reaction to her make-under: “i wanna cyberbully myself!”

tamiko’s reaction to rand turning into a literal manchild: “way to turn subtext into text, rand”

myc’s absolutely SAVAGE comebacks at the constitution heist

“how would the founding fathers feel about this?” “probably the same way your father feels about you”

“ok, give me the word and i’ll blow the hell out of this thing” “said your ex-wife to brett’s dick”

“aliens? a woman being in charge of a team? nobody’s gonna believe this!”

“it’s a psychic union where everyone thinks the same and acts the same like fucking marvel fans” HGFHJGSDHKJHSJGH

“the last time i saw a white guy that generic, he was on a don’t walk sign!”

“fresh dirt is brought to you by blue apron. do you only care about the environment when it’s super convenient?”

INCEL STEVE

“how did he get that hoodie?”

“WE’VE BEEN FUCKED BY THE POPE!” “for the love of god, CONTEXT!”

saying “when in rome” is half the reason people come to rome

the gay dog weddings

“i now pronounce you two very good boys!”

“that’s me in the corner, losing my religion.”

reagan offending the italians (again)

“oh man, if god is real, i’m fucked”

“in the name of the father the son and the HOLY SHIT”

in a vow to make air travel as inconvenient as possible, the third wright brother invented sharing an armrest

“i deserve to be punished. i still quote borat sometimes”

“look! a woman’s ankle!”

*takes one look at hell* “those flamin’ hot cheetos commercials really nailed it.”

“i love cable news. it’s like watching the apocalypse in slow motion.”

gigi describing brett as “the comic sans of people”

andre reminding us how old millennials are now

“destroying your brother’s political legacy. what are you, a bush?”

the ayn rand tattoo

brett accidentally unionizing and legalizing sex work

“the solution just seemed so obvious”

“because faking your own death worked so well last time, reagan. redundant much?”

“maybe all conspiracies are real!” “oh, that’s not good.”

brett’s lil brett puppet

lil brett dying

lil brett going absolutely batshit crazy during the entire end credits of that episode

“you look like a white girl at burning man!”

the coughing and face-touching station

“the only way you’re associated with the number 300 is in pounds.” “you calling me fat?” “explicitly!”

“i literally have no idea what you’re going to say next!” “vagina egg.”

“i feel like we have the same interests. wanna start a podcast?” “no! this is like a siren song for straight white men!”

reagan once used cheetos as croutons

*route 96 turns into route 69* “haha, nice”

the fact that andre is just the original text of the “one fear” meme

“fun for ages six to six and a half!”

berenstain bears originally being berenstein makes SO MUCH SENSE

“and finally the rich white underdogs became the rich white ruling class. an inspirational story”

jr refusing to put his shirt back on

brett gives a tinfoil hat to the shazaam poster and it WORKS

“turns out i wasn’t pregnant, i just had way too much del taco” “i’ve been there”

“you said something nice, but it felt mean!”

mothman’s alternate timeline was a reverse of the fly

andre is canonically into tentacle hentai

lampshading the plot holes

“me? in charge of a whole workforce, like santa?”

“how many oscars is meryl streep supposed to have? three seems kinda low”

andre, just having shoved nixon back into his grave, now covered in blood and holding a shovel: “i don’t wanna talk about it”

air bud!!

“i could beat a dog in chess! probably.” same, brett, same

#inside job #mine #the queue from halfway down

[good-realtor-bad-realtor-dynamic]

Sunny podcast is back after hiatus!

So many things were teased in this episode and we heard about some scenes that were never aired or featured on the DVDs!

Featuring...

Charlie on piano

Sun-damaged Glenn back from Hawaii

Complaining about 80s comedies, Three Amigos and Paramount+

Discussions about what works in film comedies from the '70s to early '00s and how sketches function differently

Brief talk of Mac's mommy issues

Episode chat

Premise of the episode came from Glenn watching "Intervention", a popular reality tv show at the time and discussing it in the writers' room, leading to Rob Rosell wondering what the difference between an intervention and a roast was

Gail the Snail was created as a pair with a brother Not Quite Right Robin, who was never introduced, as the Garbage Pail cousins in contrast to Dennis and Dee, the Cabbage Patch kids

Mary Lynn R was cast without an audition because she was a friend and she developed the character of Gail with rcg's notes in an unaired deleted scene shot opposite Frank at Guigino's before the funeral of Uncle Max

Nora Dunn who played Aunt Donna might have been unhappy when she came on set and realized how cheap and low-quality the show was

Marder and Rosell came up with all the insane quotes and concepts like nightcrawlers while writing this episode

Glenn and Charlie couldn't keep it together while filming the scene where Dennis writes Charlie's intervention letter to Frank but these outtakes didn't make it into the bloopers so we don't get to see

RCG were probably responsible for the idea that Dennis and Dee blame Gail the Snail "for making them salt her" (which is not a good feeling she's making them have)

They've previously mentioned the story of the reporter on location in Philly when Frank is doing his beer volcano bit, but in this ep they added that Danny got into an argument with her on live tv

Frank's volcano eruption was a nightmare for wardrobe and continuity because his beer gurgling was unscripted

[Talking about their shitty cameras] "We've destroyed our careers by presenting ourselves as clowns on videotape."

Season 16 teases

Confirmed that The Gang Goes Bowling was directed by Meg and shot in three days + one scene

It was a difficult shoot because of the number of side characters and continuity troubles during bowling, especially block shooting

There's a slow motion sequence in the episode which might have to be degraded to fit in with the rest of the show

Some colour grading/correction will have to be done on the s16 footage, which they usually never do, because they look red

Glenn was away for the first week of editing since he was at SXSW, sick and then on break in Hawaii, but he's back in now with his fresh pair of eyes

Charlie wants to add grain to the picture to dirty it up for the modern tvs and automotion plus

Return of a character from season 1 who fans have been asking about. Implied that the character was potentially dropped and hasn't appeared since season 1. Charlie's sister is the most obvious choice.

Other options include Mac's other gay cousin, any of the kids and teenagers from Abortion or Underage Drinking and Nikki Potnick, though she was mentioned again in season 7

Upcoming projects

Scott Marder and Rob Rosell are coming on for the S5E10 pod!

Glenn Howerton double feature on May 12 with Blackberry and Charlie's film Fool's Paradise.

Charlie only had Glenn in the movie until he did reshoots when he added a lot of Sunny cast. He offered Rob a role but he was busy. David Hornsby is also in it (not seen in the trailer).

IASIP season 16 is coming out in June.

In the meantime, RCG say to watch Succession and Tommy Boy.

#always sunny podcast #iasip podcast #tasp #iasip #glenn howerton #charlie day #rob mcelhenney #rcg #iasip s5 #the gang gives frank an intervention #megan ganz #66 the gang gives frank an intervention #speaking of s16 teases it also sounded like rob was saying someone called erin o'brien was going to be on the show #before glenn shushed him and they had a disagreement on whether they should spoil that detail #the captions weren't uploaded yet so I can't tell exactly what they were saying #does anyone know who this o'brien (or whatever he said) is? #sur rambles #sur

[saturniandevil]

December 2023 Important Dates

AKA my notes on The Astrology Podcast's December forecast, hosted by Chris Brennan and Austin Coppock. As you can see from the calendar, this is quite the busy month. I've put the recap at the end again for those interested in mundane astrology. Generally, it's about the October 28th lunar eclipse in Taurus.

We're entering the month off a Mars-Saturn square on November 25th, and Mercury has already entered his pre-retrograde shadow (during the rx he will go back to about 22 degrees of Sagittarius). There's been a Mars-Saturn square making motion grind to a halt, and though it present frustrations and delayed gratification, Mars-Saturn can also indicate perseverance and relentlessness.

December 1st - Mercury enters Capricorn The next day he sextiles Saturn, further activating that Saturn-Mars square. He'll retrograde back into Sagittarius later. Mercury will trine Jupiter in Taurus around the 7th-8th, and sextile Venus when she enters Scorpio, bringing us some helpful communication in the first half of the month. The second half will be very different, though, as he retrogrades and conjoins Mars--think explosive arguments or disrupted communication like in late October-early November. Do your careful planning and mapping while Mercury is constructive in Capricorn, as his regress into Sagittarius will bring have us acting recklessly out of necessity.

December 2nd & 3rd - Auspicious Elections (not pictured)

The charts are both around 1:35AM local time and takes advantage of Mercury's application to a trine with Jupiter, before the chaos of retrograde & contacting Mars. It also takes advantage of the last bit of Venus in Libra.

On December 2nd, the chart has Libra rising with Venus in domicile in the first (whole sign) house. The Moon is in Leo, either applying to or just separating from a square with Jupiter, and trine the Sun in Sagittarius in the 11th house. This is a good Venus-related chart, for things that need to appeal aesthetically to others or unify people. As this is a night chart, Venus is also the sect benefic, and is especially equipped to help things build up and grow (plus she's in a position of strength in the first house). Venus elections are also good for design, getting back in touch with people & other social activities, and working together. Venus in Libra is especially good for bringing together two things that are at odds, whether it's disagreeing friends or disparate business endeavors. Although the degree of Venus isn't too important in timing this, Chris recommends trying to get the Midheaven around 5-6 degrees of Cancer, so that it sextiles Jupiter in the eighth house. The Moon rules the 10th house and is in the 11th house of friends, making this a good election for friends, groups, and social movements.

The 2nd is the primary election, but the 3rd has most of the same benefits. The Moon is later in Leo, now applying directly to a sextile with Venus, emphasizing her themes of unity and reconciliation as well as tying in the 11th house of groups & alliances even more strongly.

December 4th - Venus enters Scorpio Though in detriment here, Venus is opposite Jupiter in her sign (exact December 9th-10th, especially activated by a conjunction from the Moon), and this reception & contact bring forth more helpful qualities. She will also overtake slowing Mercury by sextile around December 10th-11th, bringing some reconciliation to our communications. However, the New Moon conjunct Mars will pose some challenges.

December 6th - Neptune stations direct

December 12th - New Moon in Sagittarius

A close square to (newly direct) Neptune adds some nebulousness to the picture, and a loose conjunction from Mars to the lights, with Mercury stationing soon after, mean things may not go as planned. Mercury's configurations to the benefics seem hopeful, but we should expect some misalignment and miscommunication over the following weeks. Additionally, Mars's proximity to the Sun means he'll be coloring the next few nations with martial qualities. This New Moon sort of resets things for the month.

December 13th - Mercury stations retrograde The Moon enters Capricorn and conjoins Mercury soon after his station, which will further trigger or activate general Mercury retrograde significations.

December 21st - Sun enters Capricorn

December 22nd - Retrograde Mercury conjoins Sun (Cazimi) This occurs in at zero degrees of Capricorn and marks the halfway/turning point in the retrograde. Normally we'd expect to start figuring out what's wrong and begin heading out of the woods, but once in Sagittarius Mercury approaches a conjunction with Mars, changing the layout of our path. Sometimes looking to the past for actions will bring up old conflicts, or further investigation into a problem reveals that we have to rethink our entire approach.

December 23rd - Retrograde Mercury enters Sagittarius Discussed above.

December 26th - Full Moon in Cancer

Mercury at 25 Sagittarius and Mars at 23 bring even more heightened emotions than usual to this Full Moon (think tense communications). Neptune squaring Mercury and Mars adds further muddies the waters; expect a mix of hostility and misunderstanding. Meanwhile, the Moon is in domicile and both lights form soft aspects to Jupiter, which Austin compares to a nice country breakfast. It's like getting an idyllic Christmas postcard along with some poisoned arrows. Being home for the holidays is comforting and familiar, but we may also fight with our relatives, perhaps over politics. A Neptune-Venus trine brings a dreamy, escapist quality to the lunation as well. This lunation will hit different people very differently. (Those with emphasis on the lights, Jupiter, or cardinal signs will do well, while those with strong mutable placements may feel strife, etc.)

December 27th - Retrograde Mercury conjoins Mars This is the second of three Mercury-Mars conjunctions, the first having been around the October eclipse in Scorpio, and the next one occurring in Capricorn during late January. Mercury will station direct at 22 degrees of Sagittarius on the first couple days of the New Year, and will be slowly chasing Mars for most of January.

December 29th - Venus enters Sagittarius This is a fairly big shift, as she immediately squares Saturn, dumping a bucket of ice water on our attempts to come together on New Year's Eve gatherings.

December 30th - Jupiter stations direct This station can be a positive turning point for anyone with important Taurus placements nearby. Austin points out that Jupiter's usually retrograde for about ⅓ of the year (he entered Taurus in May and stationed retrograde in September), giving us time to reevaluate things and see whether we've failed or succeeded. It's like a shock absorber as we traverse this bumpy road. We can try to stabilize things in the midst of a destructive world. The rapid growth and expansion we were feeling this summer may start to come back, visible in the part of your life corresponding to the house Taurus occupies in your chart. Strike while the Iron's hot, as we've got until May before Jupiter enters Gemini. Uranus is copresent in the sign and may remind us of previous Jupiter-Uranus conjunctions: unexpected growth, innovation, and benefits from out of the blue.

November Recap:

The last forecast was recorded days before a lunar eclipse in Taurus on October 28th, which heralded several world events not discussed in the November forecast. In Palestine this coincided with the beginning of ground invasion and telecom blackout (Mercury-Mars involvement=severing of communication). Last month our hosts predicted the Venus-Mercury sextile would indicate brief diplomacy in this situation, and we saw the beginning of "humanitarian pauses" as well as negotiations around prisoner exchange. Chris wants to emphasize that more civilians have died in these two months in Gaza than in the entire Ukraine war, and predicts that larger geopolitical tensions are likely to rise as world leaders split with each other and their constituents over these events. He sees upcoming eclipses in 2025 as well as Uranus in Gemini (USA return) heralding possibility of larger global conflicts. Austin reiterates from last month that the North Node near Mars (as was the cast 10/28) indicates, in combat, using force madly beyond what is necessary or proportionate.

In US politics, Joe Biden has the Moon in early Taurus and thus the last eclipse cycle has been getting closer and closer to his natal moon, with 10/28 being the closest. Because it's in the 6th house our hosts had speculated about his health, but in this case it seems to have affected his work more (another 6th house topic), as his prospects for reelection have been plummeting. In early October the US House fired the Speaker of the House right on the last stretch of the US Pluto return, and eventually Mike Johnson was elected speaker on the 25th--born on a lunar eclipse and appointed to this office 3 days before another. This fits with Chris's findings lately that a person born on an eclipse will have other life events occur on them as well. Chris's concerns around the breakdown of US democracy with its Pluto return events seem well-founded, as Johnson had a significant part in trying to overturn Biden's election and is now third in line for the presidency, as well as in a critical role for the 2024 election.

Other eclipse stories: Sam Bankman-Fried of FTX infamy was found guilty of one of the largest US fraud operations during a Taurus (signifying money) eclipse. Matthew Perry of Friends fame passed away, who was born under and published his autobiography near a lunar eclipse as well.

On November 17th-18th there was an exact Sun-Mars conjunction (cazimi) in Scorpio, and in tech news the board of OpenAI fired the CEO/founder, described among business and tech circles as "closest thing to a boardroom assassination" they'd ever seen. Chris predicts Pluto reentering Aquarius in two months will indicate major developments in the use of AI technology. Pluto was in Aquarius earlier this year for a couple months, giving us a preview of the next 20 years (aside from a brief 2-month dip back into Capricorn next fall before leaving for good).

#astrology #transits #forecast #december 2023 #the astrology podcast #mercury retrograde #mercury in capricorn #mercury in sagittarius #mars in sagittarius #venus in scorpio

[squid-with-five-eyes]

blinkist is genuinely infuriating to me. did nobody involved in its creation read fahrenheit 451? they literally made the Illiteracy Nexus from the book Don't Create the Illiteracy Nexus.

heres a quote from the book:

"Picture it. Nineteenth-century man with his horses, dogs, carts, slow motion. Then, in the twentieth century, speed up your camera. Books cut shorter. Condensations, Digests. Tabloids. Everything boils down to the gag, the snap ending… Classics cut to fit fifteen-minute radio shows, then cut again to fill a two-minute book column, winding up at last as a ten- or twelve-line dictionary resume… many were those whose sole knowledge of Hamlet… was a one-page digest in a book that claimed: 'now at least you can read all the classics; keep up with your neighbours.'"

heres an actual ad read for blinkist:

"But first, how about you sit back and enjoy all the non-fiction books you'd ever dreamed of, in record time, with Blinkist! Do you ever want to broaden your horizons and have exciting conversations and all those "aha" moments, but you just feel like... "reading all these big books, I don't have time for that!"? Well, Blinkist lets you understand the most important things from over 5,500 non-fiction books and podcasts in just 15 minutes each."

either they came up with this on their own and f451 was scarily the fuck accurate or they read the book and thought "wow, cool business model!" and i dont know which is worse

#dystopia #anti intellectualism #fahrenheit 451 #ray bradbury #blinkist #reading #books