#it isnt enough that mom wakes me up at 7:30
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week seventy-two
ill tell u some highlights and then a longer conclusion of this weekend.
- won music quiz! free cider!
- restarted animal crossing!
- messaged walmart gerard again, hoping hell see it TT
went to umeå to write the swedish scholastic aptitude test. the travelling was so tiring TT i drove to the port (w mom ofc, i dont have my license yet) and we arrived just in time bc the check-in ended at 16:15 and we got there 16:16 and they were luckily nice enough to let me check in TT i did surprisingly well considering i tend to get anxious on ferries lol
like, 25 minutes before we were arriving to the port in sweden, i went to the info desk to ask ab how the buses worked and stuff and the guy there said i had to book it three hours before... i got so nervous ab not getting back but i ended up just waiting w everyone for the bus later and the bus driver allowed me to just buy a ticket right on the bus so ferry person lied to me.
anyways, i was just very happy i got to go on but once we arrived in umeå i still had quite a long walk from the bus stop to my hotel but thankfully it was more central than i thought it would be bc i was prepared to sob from being alone in the dark in some weird alleys or something. i arrived and the hotel was actually really nice and my nose started to bleed like a minute after walking into my room lol ALSO my room was on the highest floor, floor seven??? thats kinda epic.
slept horribly and my neighbours being incredibly loud did not help at all. i woke up a bunch of time as well bc i was terrified of sleeping through my alarm. i didnt get to have proper breakfast either bc breakfast opened at 7:30 and i had to leave at 7:40.
five tests ! math - math - swe/eng - math - swe/eng. i was surprised i didnt absolutely die. one of the assistants were cute and they were the one to like always hand out papers on my side of the room.
after having done all the tests on no proper food i walked back to the hotel, ordered max and just relaxed until i went to bed at like,, 22:00. i slept a littleeee better this time but still horribly. i usually sleep so well at hotels but i think it was just the circumstances, yk, being scared of not waking up in time and missing the test and the bus to the port.
i also matched w a kurtis conner lookalike but they have not messaged me since last night and im gonna sob they were the one fr (apart from walmart gerard he will always be The 1 4 me). we talked ab tattoos bc i messaged them first, complimenting their patchwork sleeves and they jokingly replied w “thanks! i like yours too!” (for context, i do not have any tattoos). i asked them what their fav tattoo of theirs were and they were like “idc, i really like all of them but maybe the one on my stomach” and i was like “ooo what do u have on ur stomach?” and they just... never replied. i am truly so sad, they were so cute.
today is sunday, as it always is when im writing these posts. i got up 30 minutes before my alarm rang and got ready to go down for breakfast. had scrambled eggs, pancakes, bread and half a banana. i forgot to take juice and the scrambled eggs tasted ass. went back up to my room and did my makeup. my eyeliner turned out flawless on the first try on BOTH SIDES. i slayed putting on lipstick as well. right now im on the ferry. i had the same mozzarella sandwich i did on the way here and had pepsi max w it again too. i did actually look for some chocolate at the shop but they had no good stuff that wasnt ridiculously expensive.
sotw: the smiths - that joke isnt funny anymore
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Jujutsu Kaisen characters during Ramzan || random headcanons|| part 2
note: before i start, i would like to clear out that these are just some things which happen in my house and may differ from your culture. this is just how i would imagine the jjk characters to behave during ramzan. hope you enjoy! this is part 2 and is a continuation to this post. feel free to add more in the reblogs.
-5/10/2021
part 1- nobara, itadori, megumi, gojo
part 2- inumaki, panda, maki, yuta, nanami
Inumaki Toge
before i start writing about him , i want you to know that i've been obsessed with him recently. he's such a cute little baby!!!!!
toge, megumi, yuta, nanami and noritoshi are all similar during ramzan.
they're all really chill during ramzan, never willingly missing out on fasts.
now coming back to toge, he starts ramzan very excitedly and is really good for the month.
no pranks, no swearing even in onigiri ingredients.
he prays on time, 5 times a day.
he doesnt attend taraweeh though. just prays at home smh
onigiri for iftar. oh and, he helps his mom set out the table
now, i imagine toge as someone who would fast regularly for a few days but then fall sick from low blood pressure or something of that sort. (me)
he's forced to leave a few of his fasts so that his body can recover. i can imagine him being all pouty, arms crossed, not looking at anyone because he wasn't allowed to fast.
"no inumaki, i'm not going to wake you up for sehri. you won't be fasting tomorrow."
"OKAKA"
oh and sometimes if he uses his cursed speech too much his throat starts bleeding and that automatically causes his fast to b r e a k.
it takes him a while to register what's happening when awoken for sehri.
he and yuta bought a drone and they tried it for the first time on Eid. He vlogged the whole thing for his youtube channel.
2. Maki Zenin
very grumpy while fasting
the type to not talk to you while fasting because it will cause her mouth to dry up.
i dont know why but i imagine her someone who cooks the iftar for everyone. people who complain about the iftar being too less get boinked on the head itadori
she might come off as a cold heartless bitch but i think she can be quite caring and loving to people she cares for.
like in the evening when the iftar is done, she goes around making everyone drink enough water so that they dont get dehydrated. especially inumaki since he's a baby
if someone accidentally misses sehri, she doesn't let them fast the next day because they "might fall sick."
hates it when she herself falls sick or gets her period. her mood becomes tenfold worse.
she doesn't practice much while fasting because yeah... try fasting daily and then try to do anything, forget physical activities.
oh this isnt ramzan related but she takes off her glasses for wudhu, performs her namaz and forgets where she's kept them.
first to wake up on eid. she might not show it but she's excited alright?
she has the best eid outfit and i stand by that.
switches out her glasses for contacts for a day because nobara insisted.
nobara takes lots of her pictures on eid but maki doesnt let her post any
puts her differences aside and wishes mai "eid mubarak" but thats about it.
3. Yuta Okkotsu
the perfect boy squad
wakes everyone for sehri and is very patient with them. isnt he just awesome?
helps out in the kitchen though he might not be very good at it. its the thought that counts
recitation everyday!!
Often he finds himself humming songs (subconsciously) and then he's just "No, No, it's ramzan!!" and then shuts up.
"why do all artists release such good songs during ramzan. this is a hate activity."
has to try everything served for iftar. he'll eat a little of everything.
nanami tells him to eat more because he's more on the lean side and if he doesn't eat enough, he might fall sick like toge.
while fasting, he often gets tired but never shows it.
one day, he was a bit late for sehri. He got immensely nervous and drank too much water. that made him feel super uncomfortable and uneasy. bottomline, he threw up. homie missed a fast smh.
i can just imagine him taking out the seed of his dates before hand. its like a little game he plays with himself. how neatly can you take out the seed of the date without actually splitting it?
not ramzan related but he spends time with megumi just talking. i feel like he and megumi have a very cute brothers relationship and yuta is someone megumi trusts and respects a lot.
they dont want to backbitch but they sit together and complain about how annoying gojo is.
they go to taraweeh together.
he has a canon sister and like megumi, he cooks for her when she's not fasting
i can imagine him totally adorable on eid. his white kurta and a big wide smile SO ADORABLE
he had been saving money for a while to buy a drone. he finally had enough to buy it but toge decided to pitch in last minute and they bought one of a higher quality.
he sometimes makes halal jokes which are stupid but funny. (like these) (on a side note, YAQOOB IS SO CUTE!!!! HE GIVES OFF IMMACULATE YUTA VIBES)
yasha your favouritism is showing-
i need to shut up about him.
4. Nanami Kento
he's the dad abbu
he's very strict during ramzan. no music. no tv. nothing.
has a strict daily routine that he follows. it's not like he's going to sleep in to reduce the fasting pressure and all. if he normally started his day at 7, ramzan would be no different.
very diligently balances prayers and work. like he goes to work everyday but he still has enough to pray and stuff.
27 day taraweeh with megumi and yuta
always has a tasbeeh on him. (reminds me of my nani pls-)
eats the same thing for sehri everyday (this is basically canon so)
throws a mini tantrum when iftar is a bit different. like okay mr grumpy, you havent eaten or drank anything in the past like 16 hours. shut up and eat?
makes sure that gojo doesn't skip his fast. wakes him up drags him out of bed for sehri on time everyday.
one day gojo was chanting la haula wala quwwata and nanami just went "don't repeat it too many times, you'll disappear." [the way i said this to my father and he didnt even understand]
makes sure the kids eat enough during iftar. doesnt want anyone to get sick.
if one of the students fall sick, he makes sure they eat enough and takes their medicines on time. he's so caring i'm melting
he's the type pf person who eats a little bit, drinks some water, performs his maghrib namaz and then eats.
he has to keep gojo in check. confiscates his phone and blocks websites and stuff lol. he doesnt trust gojo and i dont either tbh
helps out in the kitchen!!!!!!
he wont you let you eat till you say grace. it's "ittedekimasu" in japanese right?
severe headaches and stiffness in ramzan but doesn't show it at all. let's nothing come in between him and his fasts.
takes pictures of his iftar everyday for a 30-day day challenge
doesn't get the hype for eid but buys himself an expensive gold sherwani anyways.
EIDI!!!!
gives everyone lots of eidi because he's well paid and wants the children to be happy.
5. Panda
he's a panda
he doesn't fast
he can cry tho
----
@krezin this is for you!
the way i belted this out with zero motivation. plus ramzan's almost over and i wanted to put this out before that. part 3 with the other adults/kyoto gang?
#jujutsu kaisen#jujutsu sorcerer#jujutsu stroll#jujutsu kaisen headcanons#jujutsu kaisen hcs#jjk#jjk x reader#jjk x you#nanami kento#maki zenin#inumaki toge#yuta okkotsu#panda#nanami kento hcs#headcanons#yuta okkotsu headcannons#yuta okkotsu x reader#ramzan#muslim#jujutsu kaisen crack
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The Perfect Man (Bucky Barnes x Reader)
A/N: This... this probably isnt my best work. I lost my job this morning. I’m feeling like shit. I started to worry about everything and it’s been a bad fucking day. Feel lonely and lost so pls just pray for ya girl xoxo
This I started to write and didnt stop.I just typed and typed. I didnt even know what I was writing, it probably makes no sense.
I hope you do enjoy - Sorry for the mistakes and confusion bc ya girl is ready to cry herself to sleep xoxo
(Side note - I’ve now got time to write lmao)
Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader
Fandom: MCU/Marvel
Summary: Reader has a bad day and Bucky fixes it.
Warnings: Brief mentions of Anxiety, some angst. But also fluff xoxo
Word count: 1600
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Everyone has bad days, they’re inevitable. Days where you want to curl up in a ball and cry, listen to that sad song playlist on Spotify and ignore the world. Ignore everything around you, quiet down the stress and anxiety that’s going on in your head, and try, try, to relax. It never happens though.
Instead life comes at you at 120mph, you’re constantly working towards deadlines constantly working towards trying to get the job done, and never leaving any time for yourself.
When you had days like this, Bucky knew. He could sense it in the way you messaged him. From the moment you replied to his good morning text (because god forbid you be up at the hour that man is), and although he’s always acting like a grandpa with technology, the way your own nana does, he understood it, but maybe a bit better.
He could sense the lack of enthusiasm in your text messages, the way you used your words were different than usual. Bucky knew you had days like this, everyone has days like this. Bucky sometimes has days like this. But the difference between the two is, Bucky has access to a therapist whenever he likes, Bucky went through something traumatic, his whole life being a trauma. Instead now, you’re his happy place. The place where he feels safe, where his mind can relax, where he feels at ease.
Luckily for you, you were the same. You knew that the only thing better than curled up in a ball crying, listening to sad music would be if Bucky were to hold you in his arms. Doing this could keep the tears at bay, but that heavy feeling sat on your chest, it could be ever so slietly lifted while curled up against Bucky, and then you know as the day goes on, the night goes on, it’s like that heavy lift is completely gone just by him being there, by him making you happy, keeping you safe.
Today was a bad day, Bucky knew it, the same way he always did. Although it was rare for you in comparison to him, he still caught on quickly.
He left for his run at 4am with Steve and Sam, got back in at half 6. He sent you a message, and usually you were halfway through rushing and getting ready for work. Being an elementary teacher meant you had to be at school for 7 or half 7 most days to feel organized.
That meant waking up at about half 5 or 6am, meaning while on your way to work, you could have a quick chat with Bucky before teaching 30 little rascals, all of which held a special place in your heart no matter how stressful the day could be.
But this morning, he knew something was up, you usually replied within about 5 minutes, it was routine for the two of you, as soon as he got out of the shower, he would call you, and you would be with your coffee, ready to go.
But he finally got a message long after his shower,
‘Running late, talk later’
The simplicity of the text was something he stared at, the compared it to other messages, Bucky was scared he had done something wrong, the night before he might’ve said an off-handed comment that annoyed you. But then he couldn’t think of anything, you always put a small emoji at the end of your messages, or at the end of conversations, which this definitely was. Or when you’ve ran late in the past, it’s been a voice note, or something else.
He had a funny feeling, and he knew today, despite it being Friday, would be a long day for you.
He knew you would be home for about 5pm, so he had until then to make sure everything would be perfect, everything would be exactly as you want it to make you feel safe and happy, and to help you through a day that would essentially be the worst.
The two of you had been in a relationship for a while now, long enough for him to often stay at your apartment, or for him to be comfortable enough there by himself.
He started of making sure he had all the ingredients for your favorite food, it was a must, he also made sure that he had some flowers, chocolates, and a few of your other favorite treats there as well, which may or may not be a bottle of wine.
He set the presents aside before getting started on everything else. Your apartment was already so tidy so he didn’t need to make many changes, instead he set up a little fort, something that he used to do with his sisters. Building forts out of whatever they could find.
He added a few fairy lights and had bought some scented candles that had already been lit around the room. He also added a few face masks that he would be hoping to use tonight.
After organizing everything he moved onto the cooking. When his mama raised him alongside his sisters, he knew the basics of cooking way back when, but now it was entirely different. Now he had Sam teaching him the same way his own mom used to. Sam gave him spice and flavor, what works and what doesn’t for so many meals. He made sure to incorporate all of this now.
It had been a strangely long day, one full of anticipation, hoping he hadn’t over stepped, he got Sam to grab some cupcakes from your favorite bakery, setting them aside with the rest of your gifts.
He made sure that he looked presentable for the time you were due to arrive home, not forgetting the bath salts and candles in the bathroom ready for your arrival.
Bucky heard the click in the door and his heart rate went right up, he saw you enter. He saw how tired you looked from your face, the bags that meant your sleep wasn’t as good as it could’ve been, and maybe your day. He saw the usual light that surrounded you dimmed down, despite Bucky Believing you look at beautiful as ever, he knew that today had been a mentally rough day.
Your bags dropped when you entered the apartment, gasping as you looked around. You could smell the fresh warm candles, the strong smell of food, everything felt like home, what you just wanted to come home to, all day and every day.
You eyes landed on Bucky stood there looking nervous, he was wearing the comfiest clothes imaginable, gray sweats, and a fitted t-shirt. It made your heart melt as tears started to stream down your face. Overwhelmed with the love he showed for you.
“Bucky” you whimpered, you had felt bad in the morning, when you had less than 10 minutes to get ready, and you sent Bucky an incredibly blunt message. You had felt bad all day, but it had been such a difficult day for you to get through. But looking at this man in front of you, he knew you too well.
“What’s all this?” you whispered out through your tears,
“This… is to show you how much I love you Y/N. To show you that I love you just as much on the bad days, as I do good days. To show you that I will be by your side forever. That you don’t need to worry, and that I am here for you sweetheart. Always”
You couldn’t help the sobs as you cried into his chest. He held you and moved you to your bedroom, he held you and let you cry until you had gotten it all out of your system, you sat there red, tear stained face as he ran the bath for you, letting you choose your favorite bath crystals and bubbles you wanted to put in.
He sat and massaged your scalp, letting the stress of the day go by, giving you a glass of wine whilst in the tub.
Once you were dry, and in the comfiest clothes you own, Bucky carried you to the living room, the two of you sat in the fort he had built, and that you loved and sat eating your favorite meal,
“This is amazing Buck, I love it. I love you. Thank you so much” you whispered giving him a kiss,
The two of you were spending time in one another’s arms, watching films that made you laugh and cry, eating the food he made, the cakes he requested. You knew Bucky was the man for you.
“Sorry about this morning” you murmured, your head resting on his chest,
Bucky shook his head, “Don’t worry about it sweetheart. I know what it’s like. You’re allowed to be like that, I just hope that I can somehow make you feel better”
“I feel like the happiest person on the planet. I… was having a bad day, to them realize that my incredible man, spent the day making sure I had the best evening possible. Thank you, Buck,”
“Anytime sweetheart. I just hope you know that you are always safe with me, no matter how you feel”
Bucky really was a man unlike any other. He held you, made you feel happy, safe, and got you giggling like the morning had never existed. Bucky took away your fears, he mellowed the anxiety, and lifted that heavy feeling on your chest, he made you light again, he made all your pointless worries disappear because being in the right frame of mind, and having the right company can make all the bad disappear.
A/N: Again sorry for how bad this is, it just it’s been a really bad day for me. I just don’t even know what I was writing I just ughhhhh I wanna cry and cry and cry xoxo
#Bucky Barnes X Reader#Bucky Barnes One shot#Bucky Barnes Imagine#Bucky Barnes Fic#Bucky Barnes#james buchanan barnes#the winter soldier x reader#The Winter Soldier#james bucky barnes#Bucky Barnes Angst#Bucky Barnes Fluff#James Barnes#Bucky Barnes Drabble#MCU#marvel cinematic universe#marvel one shot#marvel fic#Bucky x Reader#The Avengers
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CW: abusive ex, disordered eating, mental health
Typical day as a depressed single mom and business owner with disordered eating:
5:30-6 am: wake up, take meds and skinnyfit snack attack. Weigh in. Track progress. Let dog out to potty. Weigh in again bc maybe it was wrong before?? Lol
6am: coffee and cigarettes
6:30am try not to think about food. More coffee and cigarettes. Find thinspo and fitspo and altspo
7: wake up oldest for school, argue over shower and the need for a coat since it’s cold and he rises his bike to school. Wake up youngest, change diaper, dress her, do her hair really cute, get sippy cup of milk and her morning iPad time. Try not to think about food. More coffee and cigarettes bc now I’m hungry
8am: kiss my oldest before he leaves for school. Pray I can heal before my daughter realizes I have disordered eating. Take out trash. Argue with my autistic daughter over picking up toys, give up and decide to live in absolute toy chaos instead. More coffee and cigarettes and some alone time on the front porch for 3 minutes. Text my best friends good morning wishing them a happy fulfilling day even though I’m struggling.
9am: work time. Melt wax, pour candles. Make soap. Light incense and candles on my altar. Organize my business plan and finances. Order supplies. Check shipping on supplies ordered. Metamucil shot and more snack attack. Coffee and cigarette, business notes/call with associate. Argue with narcissistic abusive ex over visitation with kids, screenshot abusive messages, email lawyer. Therapy with BetterHelp
10am: finally my autistic toddler wants breakfast or meal replacement shake. She doesn’t like food textures. Try and figure out what she needs since she’s nonverbal with speech impediment. Try to calm my anxiety with more cigarettes and coffee.
11-1pm: nap time for my sweet baby girl. Take a minute to breathe. House chores. More work. More coffee. More cigarettes. Eat celery bc im so hungry and snack attack isnt enough anymore.
1-6pm: oldest returns from school. Chores and then vid games. Finish work and clean up. Think about dinner. Ex shows up to visit kids. Listen to him explain how bingeing isn’t disordered eating and I’m just chubby from having kids. Cry inside. Let the hate boil just below the surface. Make dinner. Feed kids and ungrateful ex. Avoid dinner with water coffee and cigarettes. Clean up put away food while fighting temptation knowing that I should eat something. Nibble on green beans, log calories while ex tries to tempt me with cannabis knowing it triggers a huge binge and that I’ll just purge later.
7-8pm: bath time, bed time. Ex finally leaves.
9pm: finally I can relax with my water, cigarettes and bojack Horseman on Netflix. Cuddle with my dog/bestie. Take meds and snack attack and vitamins. Fight the urge to binge/purge.
10pm: try to sleep.
Wake up and it repeats all over again
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That implies being appended to it 6 - 7 times each day for at any rate 30 minutes for every pump. The way that it is versatile is incredibly decent. I can attach to the pump and afterward clean the kitchen or overlay garments, or even simply play with the infant on the floor. The battery effectively keeps going a large portion of the day. I haven't been away from an outlet longer than that so I don't know to what extent it would go on until the battery kicked the bucket, yet it appears as though it would last throughout the day.
Since I am an elite pumper, I set up the parts during my center of the night pump (ordinarily between 1 am and 3 am, contingent upon when the child awakens), and afterward put the parts in the ice chest between pumps. Regularly the parts go together pretty effectively, yet a few evenings I need to go through 25 minutes dismantling them and assembling them to get the vacuum expected to really pump and some night I can just get the one side to work, which implies that in the wake of battling with the pump for 25 minutes I at that point need to pump each breast separately. This implies a pump that should most recent 30 minutes is currently taking 1.5 hours and the child is about prepared to wake up again to be nourished. I wouldn't believe this pump on the off chance that it was your lone alternative, it isnt dependable enough. Never would I prescribe it this to a pump.
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Chiquita
4.0 out of 5 stars Great for occupied moms
Checked on in the United States on December 12, 2017
Size: Freestyle Breast PumpVerified Purchase
I love this pump! I wish I had gotten it rather than my pump in style that my protection gave. I requested this with my HSA card so I could pump simpler grinding away, in a hurry, and at home. I had the option to wash dishes and change a diaper all while pumping! This will truly prove to be useful when I return to work-I can pump while I prepare as opposed to sitting in one spot. My pump in style will be my back up pump or I'll simply utilize it in case I'm as of now staring at the television.
I will say however this has less suction (running on battery) than the pump in style. I utilize the suction set really low so it's no issue at all for me. In the event that you utilize a pump in style on to the max you're going to see a distinction.
My principle objection is all the parts are not the same as the pump in style so as to have save parts I needed to arrange them. It would be pleasant if all the pumps had a similar standard parts.
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Meredith Hunter
2.0 out of 5 stars Least successful of the Medela pumps - purchase Pump in Style!
Checked on in the United States on December 8, 2018
Size: Freestyle Breast PumpVerified Purchase
I have Freestyle and Pump in Style pumps and utilize the Symphony (clinic grade) pump busy working, so I feel comfortable around various pumps. I truly battle with the Freestyle. It appears to simply not work quite well. The measure of milk I get when I utilize the Freestyle versus the other 2 pumps is SIGNIFICANTLY less and it takes longer with the Freestyle. I would purchase the Pump in Style yet could NEVER suggest the Freestyle. The main ace of the Freestyle is that it has battery-powered batteries which is decent in the event that you completely need that usefulness. The Pump in Style can work on AA batteries so on the off chance that you incidentally need that usefulness, it's accessible on the Pump in Style. I have utilized my Pump in Style in the vehicle since I have an outlet in the vehicle and furthermore use it while voyaging globally by utilizing a stage down transformer, which works incredible.
Outline - GO WITH THE PUMP IN STYLE!
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Amazon Customer
1.0 out of 5 stars Do not purchase
Investigated in the United States on June 19, 2018
Size: Freestyle Breast PumpVerified Purchase
I'm pumping with this machine as I am composing this survey. I concur with past remarks that in the event that you don't need more worry in your life, don't organization this pump!
The machine is purges my breasts fine and dandy and is exceptionally convenient when voyaging. It is noisy however I can live with that. In any case, it is SUCH A PAIN when I am pumping grinding away with restricted time or when I am so engorged and the pump won't work appropriately. I have taken a stab at fixing the folds in the suction tops and FULLY DRYING the parts however the pump is as yet a hit or miss. I continue fixing it on numerous occasions and typically simply wind up utilizing each pump in turn. What's the point right? At the cost I paid, it ought not be this way. Once I was so baffled I just really wanted to cry. Us moms ought not need to manage this disappointment and included pressure. Exceptionally unsatisfied!!
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Cindy
3.0 out of 5 stars Head-to-head correlation with Medela Pump In Style Advanced
Inspected in the United States on December 2, 2011
Size: Freestyle Breast Pump
I am a pediatrician and a working mother who has pumped for both my youngsters - the first with a Pump In Style Advanced and the second with a Freestyle. I work in a nursery and have additionally utilized a few distinctive medical clinic grade pumps too. On the off chance that you are attempting to settle on a Pump In Style and a Freestyle, this audit is for you.
My first kid was conceived in 2008 just before Freestyle was discharged, so I purchased a Medela Pump In Style Advanced. As far as I can tell, in spite of the fact that the suction was not exactly equivalent to an emergency clinic grade pump (and I approach a large number of them at my work environment), it was more than sufficient and I pumped effectively for a year with the Pump In Style Advanced. Notwithstanding, I thought that it was restricting to be connected to an outlet constantly, and the Pump In Style Advanced was not perfect for voyaging.
At the point when my subsequent kid was conceived in 2010, I didn't spare a moment to jump on a Freestyle, despite the fact that my Pump In Style Advanced was still in brilliant condition. I've since utilized the Freestyle for 13 months (pumping 5-6 times each day), and here are my contemplations:
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Experts:
1) Extremely versatile. I've taken the Freestyle on three expanded excursions for work and I've pumped in the vehicle, washroom slows down, plane restrooms, arbitrary closets...you name it, I've likely pumped there. In the event that the lactation rooms are occupied grinding away, I can simply discover somewhere private, put on a Hooter Hider if vital, and pump when I have to.
2) Cordless. In spite of the fact that I don't utilize the ludicrously confused sans hands set-up, I do appreciate having the option to plunk down anyplace in my home or grinding away and pump without being connected to the divider. I have companions who have done housework while pumping with the Freestyle; I'm simply not excessively yearning.
3) Small. I can simply pack my pump and pump parts in my standard work sack or a little shopping pack. I leave the huge dark vinyl pack at home.
Cons:
1) Suction isn't as solid as the Pump In Style. I claim both, I've looked at them, and I see this as evident. I utilize both on the most extreme pump settings, I utilize hard plastic ribs with both (I didn't care for the softcup spines that accompanied the Freestyle), and the suction is more fragile on the Freestyle. I've generally had an incredible milk supply, so this was not a major issue for me, yet I have had more issues with stopped conduits since utilizing the Freestyle, and I think this is from deficient exhausting of the breasts. I likewise need to pump longer with the Freestyle (around 15 minutes contrasted with <10 minutes with the Pump In Style).
2) Battery issues. At the point when my battery is down to one bar, the Freestyle loses suction significantly further, so I charge it each 3 or 4 days. At the point when I unintentionally run my battery down as far as possible, the Freestyle flashes a battery blunder message and assumes control more than 24 hours to completely energize. I can, be that as it may, keep on pumping while it is connected to an outlet.
On the off chance that I needed to do it over once more, would I despite everything purchase the Freestyle? I'm not sure...I love it for its benefit, yet by and large I feel that the Pump In Style Advanced is a progressively steady pump. In the event that you wind up getting a Freestyle, don't part with (or sell) your Pump In Style at this time!
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Why Killed Markiplier EXPLAINED (notes)
Hi these are my notes- they’re very sparatic and hard to understand but I figured y’all might want them. They were made while watching Markiplier’s latest stream—the time stamps are for DAMIEN and when Mark paused to explain. I don’t have the time stamps for where he explained everything though!! Sorry!
TLDR; this is me frantically taking notes on whatever Mark said related to DAMIEN. :)) these are unedited, so take the spelling errors and stuff with a grain of salt.
WKM notes:
-0:57 (Go Back to Sleep reference) “oh these are parallels - yeah you’re right these are parallels”. Opening shot of Damien from 0:04 of GBTS. Go back to sleep = wanted to make Damien. “This is the mood I want”. DIRECT PARALLEL.
-Opening, establishing, environment. THIS IS JUST HOW FAR DAMIEN WENT EVERY DAY; HE HAD TO GO THIS FAR JUST TO GET WOOD. VERY LONG WALK.
-1:05 Celine is an observer, waiting for him to come back.
-2:11 Wanted to flesh our Celine as a character. Celine = Unknown. “I am not a perfect writer, I’m not a great writer; I’m better than I was.” Celine introduced as not a perf character: motivations UNKNOWN/never determined. “Don’t trust the seer” =\= don’t know what she does/represents. Damien brother/sister canon; had something to care for. THERE TO PROTECT HER BROTHER!!!!! Damien has simple job.
-3:22 “mostly like- I wanted to write dialogue to establish relationship” Celine = overprotective controlling older sibling. Nice dynamic/friendly/showcase flower is not normal. THINGS ARE LOOPING; Celine stops “did u really see a flower?”; strange. SQUISHED. “Starting to sound like mom”
-3:30ish Damien SUDDENLY GETS TIRED. On a LOOP. Winter will be over soon. Trees covering hills = every day he goes to cut a tree. Endless trees. Living SAME EXACT DAY. Celine goes out at night to do business/job. NUMBER OF TREES NOT THE POINT. PURGATORY. FLOWER = FIRST CHBGE.
-4:40 flower: PINK!!!!! dialogue EXACT LINES from WMLWS. Winter -> spring, leaving purgatory. Flower = warfstache peeling back layers covering up world/crack code of matrix/starting to spread out. Flower just a result of warfstache coming to terms with what’s happening and where it’s going. Time is wishy washy. Time has no start or finish of it. Exists = always existed. Everything unified space, someone breaking rules over HERE spills out and effects others in that place. Rules change = rules change for everyone. Dialogue saying that THIS is a RESULT of warfstache, not!!! a conscious choice.
-5:21 pattern!!!!! established
-6:52 something is definitely changing and Celine is worried. Celine goes out to HUNT FOR ACTOR!MARK, NOT TO GUARD. GONNA KILL ACTOR!MARK. Go back to sleep/wake up: duality of two characters having to share a body. Celine made THIS place for broken things(Damien!!). Celine made mistakes in WKM; misjudged actor capabilities. Celine always tries to protect Damien!!!’ she would do LITERALLY ANYTHING to protect Damien. “YOU NEED SLEEP”-damien can stay “alive” only because he sleeps. Not getting enough sleep= you absolutely need to sleep while Celine is out bc you can only be yourself if that is so.
-7:45 bc warfstache is unintentionally breaking universe they’re in, actor!mark can take advantage of it. NOT deception. This day is important because change started NOW—everything before was looping. Damien cutting wood/useless task = Celine’s stuff in an endless loop too (finding mark). SOME control, not IN control. No one is IN CONTROL. Matter of them both being in purgatory until warfstache comes to term with his place in the world.
-8:32 can see shadow of figure in ice.
-9:33Damien’s led to believe Celine is in the water lol. Door of cabin locked from outside. (Flower)= no meaning. “Everything is very plain. With this, it is similar. Everything is very plain.” Too focuses on the details. Winter = seems like purgatory.
-10:02 voices - wanted something to fill the spaces of everything. Auditoría Kay engaging. Hearing things behind the scenes. “Why are you hearing voices?” Not abt what the voices are saying.
-10:13 Actor!Mark; very hard to voice 2 diff characters and have them sound remotely different.
-11:01 Wilford/A!Mark same line. Convey two different people who both (at this time of story) were saying apologies. TWO confrontations happen = similar (detective warfstache/Damien Mark). Similar convos, different people. Things happen in different ways because who they are. Will actually says an apology, actor mark NEVER apologizes.
-12:07 very first conversation we have with the actor. ONLY SAID ONE LINE “welcome welcome one and all, etc.” If something is not ON THE SCREEN or implied in some way, it isn’t 100% proven. Going through summary is PROOF of his crime. “Plans weren’t exactly properly executed”. What he wanted only happened 50%
-13:01 “Celine needed to have motivation to have a character/drive”. Can’t just say actor wanted revenge without painting the kind of person he is. He can’t imagine other people not loving that; thinks he’s doing Damien a favor. HES A NARCISSIST. “Nobody is fully evil or fully good”. Reason he thinks he’s the hero is bc if his perspective, he IS; everyone else is the villain/did him wrong.
-13:43 “oh yeah Wilford STOLE Celine from me lol” STUPID AND NARCISSISM WACK. His career tanked after she left. “It’s her fault bc he lost everything”. “I’m gracious because I decided to move on”.
-14:28 Damien starting to remember but doesn’t understand everything; big dummy softy. Doesn’t realize he’s KINDA dead. Rotten corpse = his reflection.
-14:59 actor wants MORE characters in his story; he wants a villain. Confusion of what you’re supposed to do- represents Damien’s confliction “when do I have a CHOICE??”
-15:30 for so long Wilford/actor have been “If Celine even saw me she would rip my heart out”; “Celine is a FUCKISBNG badass.”
-16:18 Damien just wants to make a choice “life is ours to CHOOSE”. Fire going out = Damien feels dead. Cold, dead.
-17:07 music=wanted to carry on emotional connection. Celine: “I’m tired” she has never slept; watching, hunting, NOT RESTING. Celine is a creature of willpower that she powers through it. Damien: “Am I dead?” Celine: “NO!!” Not on my watch; wall cracking-> sanctuary crumbling. “...no” :(( “I’m so tired”. Celine both starts to admit defeat, but then she picks herself back up. Damien cares so much about her and is very protective about her. Shared line: “just be careful/I can take care of myself (I don’t need help, especially from you.” If she keeps going down this path, she’ll never get out of it (same thing with Abe). Damien/Will want to help.
-17:23 “I know you can’t take care of me forever”; Damien making a choice, IMPORTANT. He trusts that Celine is trying to do the best for him; knows whatever she’s doing/her motives are, at the end of the day, she’s his sister and he wants to help. Whether or not that means things will change for him. Damien’s one moral: This is a story about coming to terms that life throws at you. About someone that didn’t choose things to happen to them, but (In mark’s mind) it’s not about what happens, it’s about how you respond. The choices you make when that happens; it may not always work out but those choices define who you are as a person. At the end of it all, Damien doesn’t understand but he knows Celine can’t do “this” alone.
-17:54 Damien knows he can’t go back to the life he had, and he’s okay with that. “He’s OK that Celine tried to fix, but trying to fix him will get her killed. And he’s okay with him not being fixed”.
-19:49 Celine has been doing everything herself; Damien is offering help. CELINE ISNT DEAD HECK YEAH. “This isn’t a place of the mind-“ fake water. SHE IS SLEEPING UWU UWU. MARKIPLIER TV INSTANTLY AFTER THIS.
-EXTRAS:
•Overarching meaning/story: “These are stories.” In the universe, the world they live in after WKM is stories. They’re acting our scripts/videos because they are characters in stories. It doesn’t matter what was said, it matters why. Celine/Damien live in that story because she made up a narrative for them. Nothing happening in DAMIEN is truly real. Actor wants the ideas of hero’s/villains, he wants to imagine and play pretend. The house is just an analogy for Mark’s imagination/head. CANON that there are plot holes.
EX Detective Abe: (WMLWS) He is going to be the detective in every story. Whatever detective role he needs to be. Doesn’t know why he has to hunt Will down. Hasn’t lived “The Detective”’s life, so he doesn’t know the details, doesn’t have the script. Wilford is acting out of the script because he isn’t IN the script; he’s having FUN.
•Damien: empathy / Warfstahce: insanity, zany, doesn’t always make sense, goofy, fun!!! / ACTOR: Narcissistic part of Mark.
•In “this universe” (the Masson/mark’s Brain), characters act out their lives-> transformed where life doesn’t make sense.
•Not all characters are a part of MARKIPLIERS personality. Characters not representing mark were before actually mark. Went in the mansion ->they were trapped there, the mind (of another Mark?).
•The viewer is, under those terms (an observer), right there, behind the class. They’re the viewer.
•After WKM, we’re watching everything unfold. We’re forced to be an observer -> we can’t change or do anything, only watch. We aren’t trapped with the characters.
•In CANON, Damien -> Markiplier TV.
•A Date with Markiplier doesn’t wrap in with this. Everything happens AFTER WKM.
•Actor SPIRALED bc he couldn’t accept that he lost roles/his wife left him. His choice was to create a situation that tore his entire friendship/ppl that cared abt him apart. He killed/destroyed lives/did terrible things bc that’s how he replied.
•Warfstache was thrown into situation where former friend contrived a situation that took everything away from him. Justification was madness; things didn’t make sense to him so he choose to role with it and enjoy things while they were there. Temporary nature of life is why it’s so precious. Lives in the NOW, the MOMENT.
•Damien has no choice of what was happening. Didn’t understand why his friends tore themselves apart/Will didn’t care/Mark dead/sister suddenly there performing occult things. He was robbed and had things stolen from him; he’s the kind of person that wants to help, he also wants revenge. But the point is: the choices that led him to where he was were choices that helped the ppl he cares abt.
•Who is the character in this universe that is the opposite of Mark (what he said abt darkiplier)?
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Storytime
Ok, so I had to wake up early Friday morning to go to work. I had to go in at 8 am, and had woken up at 5:30 since my siblings have to get ready to catch their school bus. I woke up, woke them up, and decided to help my sister get ready for school. It was 6:30 by the time they left for school. But, instead of staying awake, I decided to go right back to sleep.
And the dream I had was...weird.
Ok, so my dream starts off with my coworker and I having to drive this white delivery truck somewhere to deliver a package, which isnt in any way part of our job description so I knew I was dreaming. I'm driving, and I realize we are driving down a familiar road. I'm like, ok, cool. Imma enjoy the scenery. But then I take a right turn and, suddenly, I'm driving down the beach. Even dream me was like, "What the fuck? This road doesnt lead to the fucking beach. How the fuck?"
But my coworker, Doña Ana, told me to just keep driving. So, naturally, I did. I'm driving down the sand, trying to avoid running over people before I realize theres no way someone is actually going to die becuase they're all magically moving out of the way. Great.
For some reason, once we reach the delivery destination, which was some kind of weird loading dock with its OWN GODDAMN POSTAL SERVICE, HELLO, I DIDNT NEED TO DRIVE ALL THE WAY OUT HERE THIS IS BULLSHIT. Anyway, for some reason I had parked my little delivery truck behind some other white freightliners, or eighteen-wheelers, and I couldnt find it. So I'm walking around the beach, like an idiot, and I literally turn a full circle and walk back towards the loading dock and, suddenly, it's like I knew where my truck was the whole time.
I get in and start driving back. I take the same route, but it suddenly turns into this narrow road with a Canal on both sides, with steep sides leading down into a watery death. And we pass this neighborhood, and theres this little girl on the road. At first I was going to drive past because little girl on the road? In the middle of the night? Yeah, I'm noping the fuck out fo that situation.
But Doña Ana told me to move the girl. So I jump off and tell the girl to move back. She looks at the canal and says shes going to fall in. So I gently push her back towards her neighborhood where she just stands at the entrance, looking so sad and lost, and she looks up at me and says, "I dont want to walk home alone. Can you walk me home?" And I know I shouldn't, but I do anyway. I'm a sucker for kids, but as I'm walking her home I'm thinking, "She seems nice. I wish Sammy (my little sister) were here. They'd be great friends."
And suddenly, my sister is right there with me. And, sure enough, the girls hit it off. They decide on an impromptu playdate. And I'm like, yeah ok. I look back, and the canal is gone, it's like not there and suddenly we are just in the middle of a suburban neighborhood. Huh. Ok.
And for some reason, my sister and I enter this little girl's house in, like, one fo those little toy cars? The ones you can drive around in as a kid? And we are playing with this girl and driving around her fucking house like this and, sure enough, we break something. Cue the mother coming in, seeing me in the toy car, and telling us to fuck off. "Thank you for bringing my daughter home, but get the fuck out of my house."
"Wow, okay lady. I'm sorry for the mess we made, but it was a pleasure meeting you."
"Yeah, whatever, get out of my house."
So we leave. The delivery truck is parked outside on a curb and suddenly my mom is there because its night and my sister and I werent home and we need to get home NOW becuase Sammy has cheer practice in the morning. The truck has wide seats, those where you can sit three people in the front and like an opened space in the back. No seats, so my little sister and this random dude with his baby had to sit on the floor, hiding because we didnt want the cops to pull us over for not having a seat belt.
BUT DOÑA ANA DOESNT BELIEVE IN SEAT BELTS. And I told her to let me drive, but my mom had said no and Doña Ana isnt the the best driver so, as we are pulling out fo the neighborhood, Doña Ana backs up into a mailbox. And in that neighborhood there was a cop patrolling. And he saw her. And stopped us just outside the nieghborhood.
I suddenly remember I did not have my seatbelts on, so I put it on. We're all tense cus the people in the back dont have seats, let alone seatbelts, Doña Ana doesnt have a driver's license, and I didnt have my purse becuase I left it at my workplace. She gets told to get out of the car.
Now here is where it gets fucked up.
I'm looking out the driver's window, enjoying the view of the clouds. They seem big and fluffy, and a bit dark...actually, are those funnels?
There are three funnels in the sky. Tornadoes. Not one, not two, but three. And they're starting to merge together. The wind is picking up, and I see a blast of air rushing towards us in the distance.
"Mom, holy shit are you seeing this?"
"Pfft. It's not a tornado."
I see the wind picking up cars and blowing them aside as it approaches us.
"Those things dont happen so far down in Texas."
It blows a helicopter out of the sky and blows it towards our truck. The blades are still running and, as they approach the driver's window, they get closer to eye level.
"Nothing is going to happen."
My eyes widen, and I duck. The blades cross exactly where my head had been, and I'm glad my sister and the dude and the baby were laying on the floor of the truck because they lived. The whole top half is gone and I'm relieved that we are alive.
.
.
.
...Until I hear a gurgling sound beside me. And I turn...
And my mother's neck is bleeding. She is holding her neck, and I know exactly what happened when she turns to look at me, her eyes wide with panic, blood gushing down her shirt as she tries to form words. I utter my denials as I reach for her, trying to hold her head to her neck and having to flounder because my mom's head is in my hands and it's such an awkward weight and oh my god I'm holding my mother's severed head.
And I scream. And my mom's body leans out the hole where the passenger door was and she falls onto the grass outside, and her severed head falls above it, refusing to stick back together, staying separate and somehow she is still holding on to life just long enough for her to tell me to "Take Sammy home. Keep her safe."
And I scream again becuase I cant do that and my mother just had her head cut off my a helicopter's blades and I cant leave her body there but I have to because I cant just take my mother's body along with me, especially with my sister in the backseat.
So I start to drive away, sobbing, not believing what has happened. And my body goes numb. My foot moves off from the pedal and the truck slows to a stop. My sister is screaming at me to go. My mother's echo is telling me to go. Why arent you moving? Why arent you listening to me?
But I cant feel a thing. My mind is stuck on the weight of my mother's severed head. On that feeling when my relief turned to horror with a single sound. On the anger I briefly felt as I realized my mother has no survival skills since she didnt duck when I did. On a single thought that said, "Let this be a dream. Please, let this be a dream. Wake up, wake up wake UP!"
I'd never been happier than when my eyes snapped open on Friday morning, March 8, at 7:29 am. I'd never been happier to know I just had a nightmare.
#nightmare#it was only a dream#thank goodness#it was scary#vivid dreams#its not the first time ive dreamt of a family member dying or almost dying
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Yall know i love this survey shit<3
1. List 5 things you want to do before the year ends.
-finish 5 books
-lose 20 lbs
-produce more art
-travel out of the state & country
-heal my heart and love myself a lil more
2. What color are your pants?
not wearing any
3. Favorite motivational quote.
damn, there’s A L O T. prob something simple and to the point. I like “proud, but never satisfied” and “the distance between your dreams and reality is called action”
4. When was the last time you drank coffee?
yesterday; got a new french press for christmas<3
5. What was the last thing you ate?
lmao the weirdest shit. hot cheetos, some hummus, and a bar
6. Favorite animal.
soo many; always been fascinated by sharks. Elephants are up there too.
7. Favorite song.
currently anything Kid Cudi - he soothes my soul
8. Last movie you watched?
National Lampoon family vacation I think?
9. Any turn ons?
of course; im one of those gay people who gets turned on by having an emotional connection first and foremost; but if were strictly talking physical shit - any neck action is sexy af. or just taking breaks to make eye contact.
10. Any turn offs?
bad breath lol and just being a dick in general or inconsiderate
11. List 4 big words off of the top of your head.
cognizant; superfluous; compelling; anguished
12. What are some meaningful movies?
First ones that come to my mind that left an impact or a meaningful message are Shawshank Redemption, Avatar, Wall-E (lol), Forest Gump
13. 2 most important people in your life right now?
Myself honestly
14. What are 3 things you want to do before the month ends?
Find a desk, order a blender, and form a morning routine
15. When was the last time you read a good book?
Currently reading Michelle Obama’s -Becoming; before that I read the Alchemist and it was good
16. How long do you study for usually, if you study?
I don’t
17. Do you have any nicknames?
Pollo, Hayls
18. Favorite kind of perfume? (fruity, alluring, etc.)
Viva la Juicy, but honestly all of them - been sticking to essential oils or all natural shit lately - anything with Amber is good.
19. Do you have any international friends / friends who live out of state?
yes<3
20. What is something unique that you do every single day?
lol shower? I dont really do anything special i dont think?
21. If there was a movie based on your life, what would it be called?
“Becoming” lol because I feel like I am always growing and changing and adapting and learning and ill never just be one thing
22. When was the last time you bought a gift for someone?
Recently - christmas time
23. Are you a shopaholic?
no - but i just got an amazon prime account and thats game changer fa real
24. What are some songs that always make you feel better?
Love - Kid Cudi,
25. List 3 activities that you can only enjoy by yourself.
Sitting in the tub (otherwise that shit is too crowded lmao)
Reading a good book
Masturbating prob?
26. If you could live in any biome (and survive) which biome would you live in?
Tropical island
27. How do you like being roused in the morning?
cuddles and soft music (prob reggae) and if i aint got shit to do a bluntttt fam
28. How was your day? What did you do?
it was ok - fighting some inner demons lately and feeling really low :/ but i got a little bit done so im giving myself a break
29. What did your last text message say?
“bye”
30. Do you respond to texts quickly?
depends on who it is lol
31. Who was the last person you called?
my mom
32. List 5 things that are on your wish list.
i wanna learn another language
I wish to be able to see more things change for the better in our world
i wish to skydive
i wish to live in another country for a while
and i wish to love myself
33. If you were famous, what do you think you would be famous for?
maybe being a host of a talk show lol
34. Winter or summer?
both
35. What is a quality that all people should have?
empathy
36. If you could have a large collection of one item, what would that item be?
my inner white girl and materialistic ass says shoes - but idk i think it would also be cool to have a collection of books or photographs - ya know that sentimental shit i be on
37. What have you been thinking about lately?
wow so much - a lot of reflecting honestly about who i have been and how i’ve treated others and how i am trying to change myself - so ironically enough, i’ve also been thinking about the future and trying to focus on who i want to be and where i want to be
38. What is the secret to a happy life?
taking it day by day im sure
39. What are some phrases you say often?
“nice” lol to my clients a lot
40. Favorite food?
lately its been asian - like thai and vietnamese. fuck now i want some dumplings and curry and egg rollllz
41. List 3 wishes.
already fuckin diiiiiddd fam
42. What are some of your greatest fears?
memory loss, dying, losing others
43. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
idk whats app prob
44. Most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen (in real life)?
machu picchu
45. Spicy food:Like or dislike?
LOVE
46. Scary movies:Like or dislike?
Depends
47. Do you like to travel?
Do you know me lol
48. Any regrets?
yeah always, but i try to live my life without any and honestly id never go back and change em
49. Do you like rain?
obsessed; fav weather actually
50. What do you spend most of your money on?
food
51. Would you rather visit the past or the future?
past bc im a sentimental person; future is exciting and i like surprises and the unknown and dreaming about that shit - id rather not know.
52. Favorite clothing store?
depends - urban outfitters is my style but i like goodwill just as much
53. What is the best advice you can give to those who are feeling down?
this too shall pass
54. How often do you think about your future? Does it scare you?
honestly not often enough, i try not to over think things or it tends to give me anxiety. why worry about things that are far out of our control? I just take shit day by day
55. What angers you the most?
ignorance. and rude ass people. when someone isnt being genuine
56. When was the last time you got majorly angry?
yesterday
57. When was the last time you got really sad?
today
58. Are you good at lying?
im sure everyone is to some degree
59. What foreign language would you like to learn?
spanish
60. How many languages can you speak and what are they?
just one - semi fluent in spanish
61. How often do you go to parties? If you don’t, what do you do instead?
lol
62. What books do you plan to read this year?
not sure! I have a couple but we shall see
63. Do you have breakfast every morning?
yes i try to - its my fav meal
64. Tell us a secret.
then it wouldnt be a secret
65. How many concerts have you been to?
a few
66. Last hug?
wasnt long enough
67. Who knows you better than anyone else?
myself
68. Baths or showers?
ooooooh damn, depends
69. Do you think you’re ambitious?
i could be a little more
70. What song is stuck in your head?
lmaooo wake up in the sky by gucci mane and bruno - thats been my shit lately
71. Countries you’ve visited?
Peru, Canada, Mexico, Costa Rica, Jamaica, Caymans, Philippines
72. What do you most value in your friends?
Communication and laughter
73. What helps you to sleep better?
putting my got dang phone away from me
74. What is the most money you have ever held in your hand?
prob like 2 grand or some shit
75. What makes you nervous?
when i over book myself or take too much on and have a lot on my plate - so time management i suppose
76. What is the best advice you’ve ever been given?
to live in the present moment; and to take care of myself
77. Is it easier to forgive or forget?
forgive for sure - i dont really ever forget
78. First mobile phone?
ayyy a flip phone and it was see thru and lit up and had a walkie talkie!
79. Strangest dream?
lmao ew no im so ashamed
80. Best dream?
flying or something
81. Who is the smartest person you know?
my grandpa it seems
82. Who is the prettiest person on tumblr?
idk
83. Do you miss anyone right now?
very much, always
84. Who do you love? Why?
everyone, because life is too damn short for hate
85. Do you like sharing?
yeah lol bc i expect ppl to share w me in return
86. What was the last picture you took with your phone?
idk actually
87. Is there a reason behind everything that happens?
yeah id like to think so
88. Favorite genre of music?
i was raised on hip hop so i feel like that is my go to but honestly i love reggae, alternative, a lil bit of electro chill shit, R&B, oldies, jazz, anything
89. If you had one word to describe yourself, what would it be?
Understanding
90. Describe your life in 5 words.
roller coaster. fun. emotional. loving. growth.
91. Describe the world in 4 words.
crazy. beautiful. strong. vast.
92. Craziest thing you’ve ever done?
skinny dip?
93. First three songs in your favorite playlist?
cocaine model - zhu
is this love - bob marley
tadow - masego
94. Are you more creative or logical?
def without a doubt 100% creative/emotional/empath/sensative/does things based on feelings rather than reason type person lmao
95. Would you rather lie or hurt someone with the truth?
truth always
96. What are you most proud of?
my ability to communicate and understand people
97. What personality trait do you admire in other people?
strength/humility
98. When you imagine yourself as really, really relaxed and happy, what are you doing?
smoking a fat ass blunt doing yoga on a sunny day while its 68 degrees out and im on a beach
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1. Who was the last person you held hands with?
My mom ;w;
2. Are you outgoing or shy?
shy
3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?
Not rlly anyone-
4. Are you easy to get along with?
Depends. If work then no, if just hanging out then i think so
5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?
‘‘I like’‘ friend: probaly. ‘‘I like’‘ crush: idk
6. What kind of people are you attracted to?
outgoing ppl and taht just like memes and gaming. Dont know really
7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?
Nope
8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?
my older, middle brother
9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?
little bit
10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
Mom
11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?
Just some pics or text: 👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍
12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?
Musical songs. Mostly Heathers
13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?
Not really. I have hair that is greasy 24/7. So the person would probaly be grossed out before they touch it
14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?
Ye
15. What good thing happened this summer?
summer sucks so badly- but I guess.....I- dont know actually
16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
V i r g i n l i p s. never kissed before
17. Do you think there is life on other planets?
Nah
18. Do you still talk to your first crush?
nope, I told him and after years of being good/best friends we stopped talking
19. Do you like bubble baths?
absolutely
20. Do you like your neighbors?
dont have them. Or I just never talk to them
21. What are you bad habits?
This is kinda embarassing but thumb sucking. like a baby. Also nail biting
22. Where would you like to travel?
Japan or China
23. Do you have trust issues?
Eh, idk
24. Favorite part of your daily routine?
sitting behind my computer
25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?
My face
26. What do you do when you wake up?
think about life and lay there for 30 mins
27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?
darker. Im an marshmellow now
28. Who are you most comfortable around?
My older youngest brother
29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?
Ye, suprisingly
30. Do you ever want to get married?
Probaly yes
31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?
I think it has to say ‘‘Is’‘, so yeah, it is
32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?
Intresting question- I dont keep in touch with the new celebrities so idk.
33. Spell your name with your chin.
oh god- Ill just use my nickname ppl know me as, not my real one:
RfdIkVERf - River
34. Do you play sports? What sports?
I have worse condition then an snail
35. Would you rather live without TV or music?
without tv. Dont watch it. Also you have youtube
36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?
Ye. I like someone now but I am to afraid to tell them
37. What do you say during awkward silences?
Nothing
38. Describe your dream girl/guy?
Likes gaming, horror, memes, and is overal an nice guy to talk to
39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?
Outside? You want me dead?
40. What do you want to do after high school?
Probaly go into game design
41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
Depends on what they done
42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?
Im being myself
43. Do you smile at strangers?
If I try to smile I look like I am dissapointed in them or angry
44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?
outer space.
45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?
Remembering I have youtube vids to watch and I have books to read
46. What are you paranoid about?
the things I dont know
47. Have you ever been high?
Nope
48. Have you ever been drunk?
Nah
49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?
Yeah. So I aint going to tell it
50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?
Black
51. Ever wished you were someone else?
Yeah, constantly
52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?
My face
53. Favourite makeup brand?
I dont do makeup
54. Favourite store?
Dont go to stores
55. Favourite blog?
Cant think of anything on the top of my head. Too many
56. Favourite colour?
Purple or black
57. Favourite food?
Brocoli or something unhealthy like hamburgers
58. Last thing you ate?
chocolate cereal
59. First thing you ate this morning?
chocolate cereal
60. Ever won a competition? For what?
Yeah. Won a playback competition in 4th grade of elementary
61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?
Never been
62. Been arrested? For what?
Im too much of an pussy to do something to get myself arrested
63. Ever been in love?
Of course
64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?
Mk. It all started when I was an baby and my mom kissed me on the head
65. Are you hungry right now?
Just ate
66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?
Dont have tumblr friends, (Or real friends)
67. Facebook or Twitter?
Twitter
68. Twitter or Tumblr?
Tumblr
69. Are you watching tv right now?
Nope
70. Names of your bestfriends?
I guess I only have one, Roksana.
71. Craving something? What?
Chocolate milk
72. What colour are your towels?
blue
72. How many pillows do you sleep with?
around 4
73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
Yeah
74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?
over 100 probaly
75. Favourite animal?
Bears or cats
76. What colour is your underwear?
Light pink- dont judge me goddamnit
77. Chocolate or Vanilla?
Chocolate
78. Favourite ice cream flavour?
Chocolate
79. What colour shirt are you wearing?
white with pink and black hearts. Stfu
80. What colour pants?
same as shirt, Im in pyjama
81. Favourite tv show?
Tanked
82. Favourite movie?
UhHHhh Osomatsu san the movie probaly, not sure yet.
83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?
Never seen both but I think I like Mean Girls from what ive seen and heard
84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?
Mean Girls.
85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?
Uhhhh- hard to pick favorites
86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?
random, but Dory
87. First person you talked to today?
My older middle brother
88. Last person you talked to today?
Its morning-
89. Name a person you hate?
Alexia
90. Name a person you love?
Roksana
91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?
100% 24/7 yes
92. In a fight with someone?
Have been.
93. How many sweatpants do you have?
around 3
94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?
7
95. Last movie you watched?
uhhhhhhhh-- shit I dont watch movies
96. Favourite actress?
dont have one
97. Favourite actor?
dont have one
98. Do you tan a lot?
Eh
99. Have any pets?
ye
100. How are you feeling?
could be better, could be worse
101. Do you type fast?
ye
102. Do you regret anything from your past?
of course I do
103. Can you spell well?
Depends if Im rushing: not
104. Do you miss anyone from your past?
Ye
105. Ever been to a bonfire party?
Probaly once
106. Ever broken someone’s heart?
Yeah
107. Have you ever been on a horse?
Mhm
108. What should you be doing?
Getting ready to go meet someone
109. Is something irritating you right now?
Nah
110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?
Nada
111. Do you have trust issues?
Isnt this question asked before?
112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?
Mom
113. What was your childhood nickname?
Never had one
114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?
Yeah
115. Do you play the Wii?
Used to
116. Are you listening to music right now?
Nope
117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?
Never tried it
118. Do you like Chinese food?
Kinda
119. Favourite book?
Warrior Cats
120. Are you afraid of the dark?
Pretty spoopy shit
121. Are you mean?
I dunno
122. Is cheating ever okay?
Nope
123. Can you keep white shoes clean?
Waste of time when they are going to be dirty again by the next day
124. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Never thought of it.
125. Do you believe in true love?
Probaly not
126. Are you currently bored?
YEah
127. What makes you happy?
Spending time with myself
128. Would you change your name?
Mhm
129. What your zodiac sign?
Libra
130. Do you like subway?
Never tried it
131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
Think about life and what to do
132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?
This has been asked before
133. Favourite lyrics right now?
Blue from Heathers
134. Can you count to one million?
Yeah but I aint gonna try
135. Dumbest lie you ever told?
Alot, hard to pick one
136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?
Open
137. How tall are you?
around 5′7
138. Curly or Straight hair?
Straight
139. Brunette or Blonde?
Blonde
140. Summer or Winter?
Winter
141. Night or Day?
Night
142. Favourite month?
January
143. Are you a vegetarian?
Nope
144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?
Dark
145. Tea or Coffee?
Neither
146. Was today a good day?
Dont know yet, only morning
147. Mars or Snickers?
Mars
148. What’s your favourite quote?
‘‘Bruh’‘ i think not sure
149. Do you believe in ghosts?
Ye
150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?
dont have an book next to me
I like to answer these ok dont judge-
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i Sure Would Like to not have to be literally relieved/excited when my mom goes to bed every single night because otherwise i feel constantly tense and at risk of something happening to make my living situation unsafe, again, even if we’ve had a good/normal day
shes back on her fucking bullshit today and she usually confronts me on things that have made her Mad(tm) that ive “done” but today she hasnt said jack shit to me. all i can figure is:
shes upset that i didnt get up and help her stain the wood for the porch we’re building where our old shitty side deck was
shes upset bc i didnt wash all the dishes
?????????? who fucking knows
heres the kicker though folks: i didnt wash all the dishes because for some reason, since replacing our water heater, when the water from the sink starts getting cold it doesnt gradually get cold, it literally goes from like scalding hot (even thru gloves) to hardly lukewarm and i was only washing dishes for about 20? 30? minutes last night before the water temp fucking plummeted so i couldnt finish. bonus is that there were literally only like 5-7 things left to wash and it was literally just 3 styrofoam cups, one pot and like...2 or 3 forks/spoons. absolutely incredible and worth spitefully giving your daughter the cold shoulder over, am i right folks
and me helping stain was only even a fucking a possibility because she gave me an open ended offer to help her last night and i gave an open ended response. she asked me if i wanted to try to go to bed early enough and she would call me in the morning and just see if i wanted/felt up to come out and help, and i said i would be willing to try and id do my best. so when my manic ass had a manic moment and i slept for 3 hrs from 6 am to 8 and was dying and couldnt pass back out for any reason of course i texted her and told her i couldnt fucking help lmao. my fucked sleep schedule is a result of my Crazy Quirky Wacky Bipolar 2 anyway and like she refuses to help me or sympathize with me abt my mental health so ??? guess ill die?????
i didnt get back to sleep around fucking like 12/1 pm and i noticed that she stopped fucking replying to my texts literally right after i said i couldnt help and then every time she walked past my room, where i was Clearly Awake And On My Phone With My Door Open, she flat out ignored me. wouldnt even spare me a side glance.
and when i woke up at 5 pm today, no matter how late i wake up my mom always comes and wakes me up no matter what, today she walked by my room twice EVEN WHEN IT WAS THAT LATE AND I WAS STILL IN BED without saying jack fucking shit to me, and only came in on her third time walking back by to her sitting room and just blankly went ‘youre not laying here in the dark’, turned on my light, then swiftly left
then before that she’d texted me, after telling me for weeks to just use our limited data even if it runs over bc our wifi cant handle my phone being connected along with all our other devices anymore, that im going to have to use my laptop now bc she isnt paying another 200$ phone bill this month. here’s kicker number 2: after literally outright giving me her food plans for tonight and tomorrow yesterday she also texts me that she didnt cook. just a flat “I didn’t cook”. im so fucking depressed all the time that i physically and mentally cannot handle getting up to find and cook myself my own like ACTUAL MEALS and making food that requires actual cooking is often times out of the fucking question, and shes been not cooking for SEVERAL nights here recently, sometimes days in a row, and with my depression being wholly unacknowledged by her, once again, guess ill fucking perish??? unless i can miraculously find the energy to make chicken fingers or ramen noodles im going to be doing what ive fucking done almost every goddamn night this past month she hasnt cooked which is live off of snack foods and ensure lmao. KICKER NUMBER 3: she promised me that either tonight or tomorrow, bc she has a Big Foobaw Game, she wouldnt cook and would instead get me my alltime favorite chinese food from my alltime favorite chinese restaurant that she knows i love a lot, and regardless of what night her game was, she didnt cook tonight and i LITERALLY heard her say less than an hr ago that she’d be cooking tacos (which she intended to originally cook tonight) tomorrow. that being said, her specifically saying she ‘didnt cook’ today when she promised to get takeout in general at some point this week makes me think tonight was just supposed to be tacos (esp if what i think i can remember serves). and now she hasnt cooked anything at all! and tomorrow its gonna be tacos! :) fucking knowing how she is and how she works and functions with her abusive behavior towards me i would not be surprised and am also partially convinced that for whatever reason she’s all DooDoo Angery at me that shes doing this on fucking purpose to deprive me of the treat she promised out of spite/as some kind of passive aggressive ‘punishment’ HAHAHAHA ECKS DEE SO FUNNY XDDD
the only other time shes acknowledged my fucking worthless existence(tm) today was to pull one of her Iconic “im only saying this really ridiculous shit that ive never said before and we’ve never talked about before, ever, just to take digs at my daughter bc she Displeased Me” moments, where she walked by, almost totally ignored me again but stopped like. like she was gonna just keep walking but caught herself and she ended up like...halfway obscured by my doorway anyway and quickly said to me “i need you to sweep.” and then she went to the bathroom and i hear “and take your (cat) poop out too. litterboxes get done every night.”
we have two litterboxes. never in the history of ever has she said anything to me about they get done Every Night >:( and that has never been an established rule, nor have we ever even spoken about me doing that. i do them every few nights, usually on different days, bc there’s Two Litterboxes. and surprise surprise my depression impedes my ability to keep up with them without her having to tell me to clean them most of the time which pisses her off, except i literally did them 1-3 nights ago and theres no way that they both need cleaning again already and now shes suddenly on her shit like. they get done. every night. in that fucking vaguely militant voice she gets when she’s mad like that and is fucking with me on purpose
but fucking like even regardless of all this other shit, point blank, she is the one who has not expressed any of her annoyances with me today to make her act like this. how can i fucking communicate about the issue when she doesnt TELL ME WHAT HER ISSUE IS and instead opts to mentally and emotionally screw with me for her own satisfaction--and even then!!! she has no right to be this mad with me over not helping with the porch bc SHE left it OPEN ENDED and NONCOMMITTAL, SHE could have easily asked me why there were dishes left (though bc i have to do them so late at night/early in the morning bc im fucking depressed shed prolly just blame me FOR doing them at that time bc if i do them TOO LATE at night then the WATER TEMPERATURE GOES DOWN because its COLD AT NIGHT or something like that) but she didnt and now like everything else, fresh off my period, still manic, always rapid cycling, just got off the manic depression train slightly after being on it for two days and then before that it was Severely Uncomfortable Euphoria, feeling just so fucking wrong in my own skin and feeling too many emotions that are too strong that i dont want, so on and so forth, im the one whos suffering because of her unresolved neuroses and narcissism
and like....to be honest, real shit? with how fucking unpredictable and fucky she’s become since our Big Fight i also would not be surprised and sort of have half a mind to think she’s just mad for literally no reason (related to me or otherwise) and is doing this just because lol
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36 questions that nobody asked me
(except @lollipoppedchainsaw )
(the 36 questions that lead to love or whatever)
https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
I hate going out to dinner so much i probably wouldnt be able to enjoy it properly
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
It would be interesting to see what it’s like for a short period of time, but i’d never be able to keep it up; i’d probably have an identity crisis
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
yes i have to mentally prepare myself 100% of the time
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
hanging out with the people i love is enough to keep me happy for a good while tbh. sitting around doing nothing literally nothing with them is endlessly entertaining to me even though sometimes i might make that hard to believe
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
i sing to myself a lot, not so much to others- although i AM a slut for karaoke
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
body because i feel thats probably what old people complain about most. plus like,, 90 years of life knowledge? sounds great to me
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
probably an accident that’s almost statistically impossible
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
single rn (ladies) but i usually try to find friends with similar music tastes because scream-singing in the car is the most fun one can have
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
im most grateful for my dogs and for my friends! i love them and it means the world to me to have people that i can call family. also i would die without my dog juno, she is my rock (and my therapist)
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
Not rly how i was raised, but i wish i had a closer relationship with my older siblings. Three of them had moved out before i was rly old enough to not be an asshole child, so most of them still see me as an asshole child and they never take me seriously. im glad i have an alright relationship with them, but that’s kinda all it is and i know i could do better
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
Lived in Texas my whole life yeehaw. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters; 2 of them dont like me, and my relationship with the other 2 is,, certainly not bad. Had a lot of physical and mental illness in the past, but 20gayteen is definitely my year, yeet
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
either speaking a different language or playing the piano. im very jealous of good piano players, and at some point i need to be able to speak a more useful language than french because so far in texas it’s proved absolutely useless (other than talking to my mom but that doesnt count)
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
I’d wanna know wtf im supposed to do with my life because sweaty i still have no idea. passion? dont know her please introduce me
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
i wanna go skydiving bitch, no one wants to go with me! pussies!!! the lot of you
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
that one time i did an entire semester’s worth of work in the last three days of the school year
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
being able to put up with my huge fucking mouth. also honesty is super important, even if it’ll make me feel shitty
17. What is your most treasured memory?
when i went camping with a bunch of friends and they were bitter i got to be in the middle of the tent because they were all cold. either that or the time i was getting really bad sleep paralysis and @lonelywaterfall & @skity stayed over so my paranoia didnt render me completely useless,,, also the paramore concert lol ive never been more vulnerable in my life.
18. What is your most terrible memory?
coming out to my mom haha
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
i’d go on a trip around the world to explore/to see a few people, and i’d put extra effort into my gender expression
20. What does friendship mean to you?
comfortable silence is my kink. also emotional vulnerability and SAD BOY HOURS we cant forget those
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
I’m such a slut for physical affection yall have no idea please hug me as much as possible and play with my hair or my hands
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
i guess ill do the same with previous partners so.. i think being funny is probably the #1 thing i appreciate in someone. when you make me laugh so hard i cry, just know that’s like. peak. also stubbornness is strangely attractive to me, plus like,,, uh having an unexpected soft side? an appreciation of art is super important, too. also SPOON VERSATILITY.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
it was probably happier than a lot of people’s but there wasnt much to it. plus being the youngest in my ENTIRE family really sucked during my childhood because everyone picked on me and i think that’s probably what started a lot of my issues lol
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
better than it could be, but definitely not what i want it to be. we both love each other and i admire her work ethic, but she gave me a lot of anxiety problems (both genetically and not) and she isnt the most understanding person. i have hope though, people change
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling …
I’m hungry and sitting alone in front of my computer feeling like OVERSHARING ON THIS BEAUTIFUL THURSDAY MORNING, BOYS
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share …
many, MANY animals and a lighthouse in the middle of nowhere
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
I’m REALLY insecure about my body xd
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
LOVE feeling safe.
29. Share an embarrassing moment in your life.
probably every time that i’ve ever worn a dress, because i really,, really dont like wearing dresses and that’s it
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
last cried by myself this morning and last cried in front of another person at my friend’s birthday party
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
no partner but if youre reading this im rly proud of ur attention span. gj buddy
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
i think most things can be joked about after a certain amount of time, but like,, it has to actually be funny and it has to come from someone i know isnt serious about it. if a joke is made just for the purpose of being offensive and edgy, it’s never funny no tea just truth.
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
i’d regret not spending enough time with people that i love, not traveling as much as i should have, and also i’d regret not formally coming out of the closet to my family (they probably already been done knew but like. yknow). i came out to myself & the people closest to me a LONG ass time ago, but i’ve kinda seen what it did to my immediate family so im not too excited to do that to my extended family. if i’m not too much of a pussy, ill probably do it in the summer when i see them next, bc ive been meaning to for a while.
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
is it bad of me to say my computer? i feel like everyone else has a much more meaningful answer lol. it would probably either be that or the papers i keep on my bulletin board, bc most of them hold a lot of sentimental value (also my prescriptions would be a pain to get copies of)
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
either of my parents because i dont want them dying before i reach the point where i can expect them to be happy for me when i marry a girl
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
personal problems? what’re those lmfao dont have any srry try me again later
i’m too much of a pussy to tag certain people so if you see this and I've had any sort of conversation with you, do it coward
(also @skity @drawinintherain )
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ive been fucking exhausted all week for no damn reason like I literally fell asleep laying on my porch last night,
on the porch.
for like a good hour
and i fell asleep at my desk yesterday
im falling asleep at my desk right now, coffee doesnt help, walking doesnt help, nothing helps and its not that im not getting enough sleep because im getting 7/8 hours every night.
I do wake up a lot though, like im never awake for long but I wake up every morning at 3 to go to the bathroom and from then on i wake up every 30 minutes until 5 to roll over or take covers off or put covers on. and then from 5 to 6:40 when my alarm goes off I wake up every 10 minutes and change my pillow or turn over. its really annoying
I honestly think that its stress. I’m stressed about bills because I’m being switched over from my temp agency to the actual company so my pay may be put on hold for a week and it figures that its the week that one of my biggest bills is due.
aand im stressed about my body because I dont think anything is changing
and im stressed because of my boyfriend and how he doesnt really feel like a boyfriend anymore and honestly im afraid that im losing my feelings for him now. I dont hear from him much anymore and I havent seen him in two weeks because of his job so I find myself forgetting about him and normally I would be excited for friday because id get to see if hes coming over but this week i just cant be bothered to even ask. I used to feel it in my chest that I could possibly love him but I dont really feel that way anymore. and its just because his lack of contact makes me feel like he isnt really interested anymore so I dont feel like I should be putting any more effort into this than he is. when he is here he seems fine but when he isnt its like im not a part of his life if that makes sense. its whatever I guess, I kind of just want to end it because im like whats the point of this? it doesnt feel like dating, I dont currently feel like he loves me, we hardly see each other, I dont feel like I can talk to him about anything serious, it doesnt feel like its something that will last, so why am I limiting myself to him and putting effort into something that I dont even have faith in? the reason I havent ended it yet is because I dont know if I’m just overstepping since I dont actually know how he feels so I want to find that out before I do anything.
and im stressed about my health because a lot of weird shit is happening but I dont have health insurance so I dont know whats going on
and im stressed because my grandma and my aunt both have cancer and my moms hearth issues have been acting up again
im stressed about everything and I am 100% serious when i say that I am totally ready to cut all off my friends, my boyfriend, my coworkers, everyone and just worry about myself and only myself
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Breastfailing
I originally wanted to wait to write this post as I wanted a successful breast feeding journey. BUT here I am, and I think I've officially had enough. I am all for ‘fed is best’ and whatever you feed your baby I'm proud of you for giving them what they need and to grow and be strong. HOWEVER, I don’t give myself the same standards. Before having a baby I had the mindset of ‘I’m going to try to breast feed but if I can’t its no big deal, I'll feed him formula’ Literally the first night of having my baby, I was 100% invested in breast feeding. I have a LONG and emotional breast feeding journey. Here is how mine and my sons journey went with breast feeding. Prepare... it’s a LONG post
First hour: Not latching, Nurses throw nipple shield at me. I get my son to have WHATEVER colostrum I have, who knows if its enough, but he seemed content for the first two days. He would only use a nipple shield from here on out- will explain more later. Also the nurses were AGGRESSIVE and awful with helping me. When I say aggressive I mean shoving my sons face in my boob with his mouth closed and SQUEEZING my boob.
Day three noon: Didn’t have enough wet diapers and about to be discharged early after a c-section thanks to COVID. Babies at this point have the same number of wet diapers as they are old... so he should have had three. My husband and I questioned his output and we were pushed aside. I also reached out to the nurses because it was taking my son an hour to eat colostrum... Babies at this age have TINY stomachs and it should not take long to fill him up. No lactation consult was given to me at any point even when we asked
Day three midnight: My son was hysterical. Every time I tried to breast feed him (with the nipple shield) he would suck a few times then pass out, which you think “oh he’s “milk drunk”” but not even 5 minutes later he woke up screaming and hungry. This went on until 4am when I finally broke down hysterically crying and my husband took him and fed him formula which he gulped down in seconds then passed out for 4 hours. I was devastated. Devastated that I clearly just starved my son and that I didn’t do what he needed from me most which brings in a lot of guilt.
Day four: we go see a lactation consultant and she said my colostrum isn’t enough for him and to supplement until my milk comes in. He lost 10% birth weight and needed to come back in a few days.
Day six: follow up with lactation consultant. My milk finally comes in and she gives me three days to come back for a weight check and weighted feed. I feel good at this point thinking that now my milk is in I can give my baby what he needs. He starts to eat my milk but is still taking over an hour to eat but at this point he falls asleep and sleeps for a good few hours. I’m feeling like a giant weight has lifted off my shoulders and the guilt fades now that I can feed my baby.
Day nine: go in for a weighted feed but I screwed up and fed him right before the car ride. He was hysterical and hungry i couldn’t starve him just for a “weighted feed”, so I did what I thought was best. We see the consultant and she’s happy with his weight gain.
From here until our two week check up something changes. His naps are no longer for two to three hours they’re more like an hour. He’s feeding close to two hours. I felt like I couldn’t keep him off my boob but when I googled or spoke to any mom friends it was normal and known as cluster feeding. That he was trying to get my milk to increase so he would have enough as he got older. This cluster feeding started to be all day and night.
Two week check up: his doctor says that his weight is a slow gain but once he hits his birth weight it should sky rocket. His diaper output is perfect. I mention the “cluster feeding” she says it’s normal and should subside soon. He’s still using the nipple shield. I mention to her how he looks yellow and she said his bilirubin levels have decreased since birth he’s fine. I feel good but still questioning why he’s at my breast for so long.
3 weeks old: I scheduled a new lactation consultant because I felt the cluster feeding was too often to be all day every day. He also was still eating 2-3 hours at a time before taking a nap and sometimes he wouldn’t even nap he would sleep at my breast, I would try to move him then he would wake up and want to eat again. This consult was over zoom thanks to covid :( she looked at his latch and I brought up all concerns and she blamed the slow eating on the breast sheild and recommended breast compressions and massage while he’s active on the breast. I did what she said and it seemed to help a little but not much, she just kept pressing trying to get him off the nipple shield.
4 weeks old: I call the doctor because his jaundice isn’t getting better and they argued with me for awhile but because he was slow weight gain they said okay. While we were there he only gained a few oz... doctor said that we had to do another weight check in two weeks. While I was there his bilirubin stayed the same, doctor claimed it was breast milk jaundice and it could take weeks to get out of his system. The levels weren’t harmful but noticeable in his skin and eyes.
5 weeks old: I schedule a different lactation consultant but this time someone who could meet me in person. We do a weighted feed and evaluation. 1 hour prior to the visit he was hysterical so I fed him expressed breast milk via bottle and he had 1oz. While she was there He took in 1.5oz. She said that because he took 1oz prior to the appointment and 1.5oz now he was getting enough and I was producing adequately. She saw a tongue and lip tie and told us to have his pediatrician look at it to be released. She said it could be the reasoning as to why he needs the nipple tie and isnt sucking as efficiently.
6 weeks old: his pediatrician says there are no ties and his suck is fine. We discuss his slow weight gain once again. I express my concern about him eating all day and not napping. Like seriously eating all day. The moment I get up to the moment I go to bed he’s just connected to my boob and not sleeping. He cries every time I unlatch him, I’m barely eating and drinking at this point because I don’t have time to go to the bathroom and I don’t have time to eat or have hands to eat.
7 weeks: I get a second opinion with a pediatric dentist. He says both tongue and lip ties are grade three and we discuss the complications of them. I pay OOP to get them released. He said that it would take time but he should start to eat efficiently.
8 weeks: I’m able to feed him 70/30 with nipple shield and without it. Which is an amazing start from someone that had to use it EVERY time. He still is eating all day and not napping. At this point I’m getting REALLY exhausted. Guilt and frustration fill me every time I feed him. “I wish you could just eat better” “I’m sorry I cant have the nipples that make it easier for you” “is my supply even there?” “Come on baby boy, stay active I know you’re hungry”. We go to his 2 month check up and see a new pediatrician. He states that his weight is in the 9th percentile and has only gained 6oz in 3 weeks. At this point he should be gaining more and he recommends I start supplementing with breast. We also find out that he has a severe dairy allergy which has been causing his rash issues, green mucus poops, bad gas and severe reflux. I need to cut diary out of my diet and buy dairy free formula.
9 weeks: I decide to pump and bottle feed with formula. I’m only pumping 1-2 oz at a time total which CLEARLY shows I don’t have a good milk supply. At this point I can’t get dairy out of my breast milk fast enough for him. His reflux and gas are so bad he’s spitting up half an oz per oz. I’m advices to take a break from breast feeding and just formula feed to heal him.
9 weeks and 6 days: I’ve officially thrown in the towel. I’m so exhausted and it’s taking a huge toll on my mental health. I’m no longer a happy mommy. Yesterday we the first night I didn’t nurse him to sleep. It was heart breaking for me. I feel so much failure, sadness, and guilt. Why couldn’t my breasts provide you what you need. I gave breast feeding my everything. I’ve consumed so many different lactation products, power pumping, kept you at the breast every hour and every day since I had you. My breast milk was causing you so much pain internally and you were so hungry that I couldn’t ever satisfy. I feel so selfish that I carried on this journey when we had issues from the start. I feel inadequate and that I didn’t try harder. Maybe if I weren’t a single mom I’d have more energy to push through and make my breast milk dairy free but you don’t like to be put down ever so it makes pumping so hard. I’m sorry little man, I have it my all. At least this formula will fill you up and won’t give you tummy issues
I’m repeatedly saying “I’m a good mom” today because I don’t feel like one. One day this will be a memory and I don’t want it to be a negative one. Trying to find the good when I’m crushed our breast feeding journey has been a complete failure. But you’re with me now taking a nap on me which was never a thing before. So I’m going to soak in these snuggles.
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tagged bbys
Tagged by the wonderful @figment-fantasies <3
The Last:
1. Drink: coffee eyyy
2. Phone Call: my dad
3. Text message: my guy jakub bby
4. Song you listened to: sleepover by hayley kiyoko bc im trash
5. Time you cried: like. sometime last week when i was with quinn??? it might’ve been friday bc of a dumb outlander vs tumblr post i was just fuckin crying
Have You:
6. Dated someone twice: twice??? bitch i havent dated someone ONCE
7. Kissed someone and regretted it: haven’t had my first kiss yet!! <- same bby!!!
8. Been cheated on: No. they’d be dead if they did lmfao
9. Lost someone special: yah sucks bro
10. Been depressed: mate depressed is my entire personality
11: Gotten drunk and thrown up: nope not yet im hoping to get plastered w quinn one day
List 3 Favorite Colors:
12. blue. like. baby blue or egg shell blue???
13. black
14: white (my entire wardrobe is black n white monochromatic)
In the last year, have you…
15. Made new friends: @onelassieandherfandoms this asshole
16. Fallen out of love: nah like??? wasnt in love in the first place
17. Laughed until you cried: yES
18. Found out someone was talking about you: i mean. always
19. Met someone who changed you: i dont rly know??? i cant tell when i change
20. Found out who your friends are: eyyy yeah
21. Kissed someone on your FB list: gross
GENERAL:
22. How many Facebook friends do you know in real life: this is???? so specific????? i mean most of them i still have like. perhaps 10-20 online friends on there i havent met up with yet so
23. Do you have any pets: never had any </3 always wanted a cat and a doggo but. parents hates animals so i gotta wait till i move out
24. Do you want to change your name: yah, my birth name is like. rly feminine and long and pretentious n ive been going by my nickname for the last 6 years so much that my birth name isnt rly??? i dont rly associate it with myself
25. What did you do for your last birthday: went out for a meal with my fam. dont have enough friends to rly do anything else lmfao
26. What time did you wake up: i mean i woke up at about 9ish, went back to sleep, woke up at about 11 again, then was on and off sleeping until 12:30 when i got up
27. What were you doing at midnight last night: homework bc my teachers live off my pain
28. Name something you can’t wait for: seeing quinn again, new skuldug book, new season of outlander,
29. When was the last time you saw your Mom: today
30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: my insistence on self isolation lmfao
31. What are you listening to right now: my mom jenna marbles trying to get one (1) kill on pubg
32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yah
33. Something that is getting on your nerves: art block!!!! good fucking god i havent drawn anything in like. two months. and then after that i cant remember the last time i drew anything for me because i wanted to and not for homework smh
34. Most visited website: this hellsite
35. Mole/s: got loads of em on the side of my face, but thats the side of my face that my hair/fringe covers up so??? could be worse i guess
36. Mark/s: birth mark on my right shoulder which i love a bit too much, a round patch of darker skin on my deltoid(?) where i got shot with a paintball and it’s left a scar, a scar from a shaving cut on my kneecap, and like. the unfairly over-abundance of stretchmarks on my EVERYWHERE
37. Childhood dream: I wanted to be a horse
38. Hair color: dirty blonde and blonde
39. Long or short hair: longish??? covers my nips at this point
40. Do you have a crush on someone?: uh
41. What do you like about yourself: uh??????
42. Piercings: none, they freak me out??? but if i were to get any, it’d have to be a helix(?) piercing. i’d fancy like. a thick ring piercing if that makes sense
43. Blood type: do i look as if i know
44: Nicknames: george, but thats only if ur close to me
45. Relationship status: single and lonely as fuck lmfao but thats probably best, im just not built for relationships
46. Zodiac: sagittarius
47. Pronouns: she/her
48. Favorite TV show(s): person of interest, orphan black, outlander, the 100, brooklyn nine nine, orange is the new black, rupauls drag race,
49. Tattoos: none yet, but i rly fancy “be brave” in EXACTLY the same font as the skulduggery books, on the inside of my right wrist
50. Right or left hand: right
51. Surgery: um>?? i mean not rly??
52. Hair dyed a different color: i haven’t yet, but i want like. a lighter blonde ombre??? bc my hair is lame as fuck and i want to do SOMETHING with it
53. Sports: omf no
54. Vacation: i went to majorca a couple of weeks back just as the heat wave fuckin hit (rip me)
55. Shoes: tesco converses or black boots
56. Eating: biscuis
57. Drinking: coffee, with water inbetween bc im thirsty as fuck
58. I’m about to: do :))))) homework :))))))
59. Waiting for: school to start up again. if i have to do homework i wanna do it actually AT school bc i cant focus for shit at home, but i can get so much done with the school facilities so
60. Want: to see quinn again i miss her dumb face
61. Get married: i want to tbh but. not built for that sort of thing
62. Career: ahahahaha jesus fuck i have no fucking clue lets not go into this
WHICH IS BETTER:
63. Hugs or kisses: HUGS. I FUCKIN LIVE FOR HUGS
64. Lips or eyes: eyes
65. Shorter or taller: i mean???? depends on the person but typically taller
66. Older or younger: older
67. Nice arms or nice stomach: i?????
68. Sensitive or loud: man idk. both
69. Hook up or relationship: relationship bc im a sap
70. Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant bc i have a crippling fear of authority
HAVE YOU EVER:
71. Kissed a stranger: nope
72. Drank hard liquor: nope
73. Lost glasses/contact lenses: nope
74. Turned someone down: nope. i’d be so lucky lmfao
75. Sex on first date: bitch i’ve never been on a date let alone
76. Broken someone’s heart: nope
77. Had your heart broken: ahahahahahahahahahahaha
78. Been arrested: nope
79. Cried when someone died: yep
80. Fallen for a friend: ahaha hahahah hahahahahahahahahahaha
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
81. Yourself: well someone fuckin has to
82. Miracles: i mean??? i’d believe it if i saw it
83. Love at first sight: i believe that you can have an instant connection or chemistry with someone which would then lead to love, but like. love at first sight has only rly ever applied to pretty emaciated people so
84. Santa Claus: nope
85. Kiss on the first date: i mean?? nah
OTHER:
86. Current best friend: i have like. three friends?? all of which i’d consider my best friend i think
87. Eye color: blue but with like. yellow on the inside??? which. having googled is apparently called central heterochromia
88. Favorite movie: oooo. probably spirit stallion of the cimarron
i mean. all the people i would’ve tagged I think @figment-fantasies tagged anyway so like. have fun folks
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