#it went out like a week or so ago but for only 30mins

[maybeicanbesaved]

man our power was out for nearly 3 hours last night, and by the time it came back on i was so sleepy i just went to bed anyway lmao

#anyways it was so annoying #hot and everybody went outside bc inside was too hot & dark so without the sound of my ac to drown them all out i had to hear it all 😪 #it went out like a week or so ago but for only 30mins #i hope this isn’t a habit cause it’s too damn hot these days #personal

[popcornforone]

MAY

From the Marcus Pike Fan Fic Diary

Master list

April

Sorry you were meant to get this a few weeks ago & then I had an idea so delayed this, but the diary is still going strong. This is more about their relationship than the sex, but it’s still there.

Synopsis:- Marcus plays in a band & you always tag along to see them perform at the local bar.

Word count:- 1850

Warnings:- DO NOT READ IF TOU ARE UNDER 18! Established relationship, pining, swearing, admiring, anal sex, other sex implied as well, alcohol, being a muse. Yea I think that’s it. If you’ve read any of the 4 chapters before this you will know what this diary is like.

Thanks as always for the read peoples, I hope you enjoy.

I love band night. Our local bar every Wednesday puts one on. We’ve seen loads of acts that have made it big over the years. It was the third night that Marcus & I went to this that he popped to the toilet & left me at the bar. The bartender knew what was about to happen, they winked at me as the mc took the stage & then on walked Marcus & his band “So Selfish”. My jaw hit the floor, my panties damp instantly as he strummed that base guitar. We’d only had sex a few times & I wasn’t sure exactly how I truly felt. Safe to say that night, he strummed me like a man possessed . So in the zone. It was the first time I ever squirted as that thumb & fingers had me quivering in desire.

So last night I knew he was playing. I no longer have to turn up with Marcus when he played. The staff knows when I get here what my drinks order is & where my favourite spot to watch him from is. I want the correct amount of reverb from his voice. I know how he’s gonna sound smooth then rough & then smooth & it’s gonna make me feel all unnecessary when he screams the word “& I know you’ve gone all naughty just for me” I know it’s about me. He is the only man I’ve left fuck my arse & he knows that there’s a huge chance that this happens after band night. I turn into a little groupie for Marcus & he can have a back stage pass.

On he & So Selfish walk. Gone are his agent clothes, replaced by a lose grey tshirt that will stink of sweat by the time I peel it off his body tonight. His jeans dark charcoal & those doc martin boots peek out below them. The hair is ruffled but it’s not quiet bed hair. His belt buckle in silver & black has a snake on it. The eye a red gem. Keeping its eye on the crowd. His arms are bare from just above the elbow, his wrists have bracelets & ties on them. Who’d have ever thought soft little Marcus, the worlds best & most professional agent, would be a rocker like this for peoples enjoyments every couple of months. I notice the brackets & see there is one that’s slightly different, it’s glistening white & blue when the rest are black or red.

“What’s up the jesters” he grabs the mic & says & its meet with a very large cheer. The bar is always packed on Wednesdays for band night. “If you don’t know us by now we are So Selfish we play soft indi rock & for 90mins tonight we are here for your entertainment, so please try not to get drunk until our third half an hour.” It’s met with laughter & Marcus scoffs & he looks up to see me. I do a shy wave. I’m not meaning to match him but I’m in my long floaty grey vest top which has a butterfly embroidered on it. My pale blush wash jeans & my converses can’t be seen bellow the counter I’m leaning on. There’s about 10 rows of people between Marcus & I but I don’t care. I see his little smile. He knows where to look for me & I raise my glass of whisky to him & wink. His eyes dazzle & he smiles. “Right let’s get to this our first song is Ruined” he turns to his band who i know all to well by now & they all nod. The drummer counts in & they begin their first 30mins at 7:30pm.

During their second 30mins a group of girls, very blonde giggly & busty make their way to the front to cry & catch Marcus eye. I’m happy for him to look but I know he’s not gonna touch. On a normal day none of these girls would give my man the time of day. He’s said before he met me, that being the lead singer in a band meant he got attention but they just wanted the fling & he’d always been after the real thing. They might stand inches from my man screaming wanting him to drip sweat on their boobs but they will never get the satisfaction I get from him. I can still smell him from here. His scent is extraordinary anyhow, but when his adrenalin pumps & he’s in the zone, it’s a real turn on. My pheromones go into overdrive & always make me broody. He entertains the girls a few kisses are blown as he sings “but you’re just trouble”.

Before the third & final 30mins he & the guys hit the bar & I order 2 double whiskys, with a dash of water on ice. As they both arrive at where I’m sat, a large firm hand graces my waste.

“Baby”

“Handsome” he nuzzles his head into my neck as he says this & I gasp. His lips pepper me with kisses making me turn red & close my eyes as I start to moan. I flinch when he retracts.

“How’s it going so far?” His large fingers trail around the rim of his glass.

“Phenomenol as usual Marcus”

“Well you always say that”

“It’s the truth”

“Is it or are you just addicted to the lead singer?”

“Maybe” we both take large gulps of our drink. “I mean he’s so sexy, & not just tonight” we both smoulder at each other, our lustful gazes not dropping. Eyes only close when he takes my lips deeply. The way that hand feels against the side of my face & neck. I hear a few people murmur about the kiss but it makes Marcus go deeper. A kiss of lust, sweat, whisky & love connecting two people who feel so alive.

“God I love you” he whispers in my ear.

“Right back at you Marcus” I say & grab his hand, stroking over those fingers. I then feel him shuffle off the new bracelet & slide it onto my wrist.

“Don’t look at that until the time is right baby, you’ll know when” he downs the rest of his whiskey & we kiss once more before he & the band get ready for the third round.

The temptation to look at what he’s put on my wrist is huge. It feels like beads, as I run my hand around it. But I don’t. He always has little Easter eggs in his shows for the select few who know the band. Today is obviously a joke about us.

I sit there in awe during them performing. They don’t want massive fame. They are happy playing a gig every couple of months just here in dc. They are all just good friends who like to play & are decent. I sit there sipping on my next drink & smile at him. He is definitely getting a back stage pass tonight. He sings the song about that & then they pause. He looks at his lead guitarist. The way the sweat drips off his head when he is in side profile is so sexy. I’m so turned on. My man looks so hot, so rough. He’s my sweet little Marcus who calls me his good girl, but tonight he can choke me out & call me a slut.

“Before we do are normal last 3 songs I want us to do a cover song if that’s okay, we only rehearsed this recently but it means a lot to me & someone special in the crowd tonight.” My eyes widen he isn’t is he “so if she looks down at her gift, she will know this song but to the rest of you just enjoy.”

I look down. It’s a blue & white friendship bracelet. A black & a pink heart are on two beads with the letters YOYOK & then blue & white beads. It’s my favourite Taylor Swift song & Marcus has always laughed that I love my rock & proper music & then that I’m a Swiftie. But tonight he’s singing it. The band play it & I try not to cry, stroking the bracket for comfort. My man & his friends are playing something so personal to me & I sit there trying to be calm. Inside my body my heart races. My brain is screaming. Everything is shivering. This is so personal but also so much more than that. I eventually give in & let the tears fall down my face especially when he winks at me. I’m an emotional wreck.

The rest of the gig is a blur I was in a trance, but I remember kissing his lips like I needed it more than water after the show. He squeezed by arse & the way his sweaty hands roamed across me gave me a sensual sensation. I don’t remember the drinks afterwards or the taxi back to our place. The first thing I remember is him sucking my nipples.

“Marcus” I moaned. My own hands inside his boxers getting him harder, precum staining the insides. We didn’t even make it to the bedroom. I was naked & on all fours as he licked away at me & then growled as he eventually rubbed his throbbing head against me.

“Back stage?” He slapped my arse.

“VIP my sexy rock… OOOOOHHH GOD!” I screamed. He’d lubed me up before this but he didn’t go slowly. Marcus was rampant, my arse was filled to the brim as I gripped onto the sofa with all my might, trying to catch my breath.

“Like that baby”

“Fucking love it” I moaned back his base fingers are holding one of my hips while the other strums my clit, I know how fast those fingers go.

“Mmm mmmm Marcus”

“Fuck baby” he has never been so rampant in his life. I didn’t know anal could feel this incredible but it does. He didn’t even tease with his fingers to open me up like he usually does. He’s balls deep pumping away into my arse as I screamed for more.

“Fuck oooh fuck yea baby, it’s so fucking good”

“Fuck oooh fuck, why is this even tighter than your cunt.”

I have no idea how long it lasted but I know that when he’s about to cum he takes his penis out of my arse, slotting it quickly inside my quivering pussy. I’d had multiple orgasms & he knew I wanted the ultimate satisfaction. He then fucked me until we both couldn’t go anymore, in a sexual haze we drifted off.

We both were late to work this morning we’d both passed out after our exertions on the sofa & our phones battery had died. It was a major panic suddenly hear Marcus shaking me going fuck baby it 9:30. There wasn’t even time for a shower for either of us. We had to be out, & at work, but was it worth it for last night with my rockstar & the special treatment we both received? Fuck yes.

June

#pedro pascal #fanfic #my fics #smutt #no minors #pedro pascal characters #pedro pascal cinematic universe #over18 #pedro pascal fanfiction #pedro pascal character fanfiction #pedro pascal fandom #pedro pascal fan fic #pedro pascal fic #pedro pascal universe #marcus pike fanfics #marcus pike fan fic #marcus pike fanfiction #Marcus pike #marcus pike fic

[the-whispers-of-death]

happy ending for serial killer!stone at last. yay :)

just ignore the extreme isolation of returning back to life they both feel. idk lets put this smack dab in the middle and say that it took magic user!reader 15 years to bring them back.

imagine asking their lovers about literally anything. "oh i cant find [x] in stores :(" only to find out that oh. it got discontinued. probably 90% of the things they knew are gone now, or changed fundamentally

you know that one news article thing that was like "prisoner sentenced to s lifetime, dies and is brought back to life. argues a lifetime is over and he should be free" thats what i imagine serial killer!stone being like. yeah his story did end in tragedy. but then his fuckass boyfriend went and brought him back so like. does this count as just a new chapter or a new whole story entirely, separate from the first. what.

or maybe something something necromancy being so taxing on magic user!reader's body that theyre now back at square one. just there, unresponsive, not reacting to touch. in the same state he was 15 years ago.

maybe criminal!stone's conflicted about this. yes his boyfriend and his boyfriend's boyfriend are alive again. but at the cost of his other boyfriend probably being bedbound for a few weeks at the minimum, unable to do any magic for even longer. and he cant split himself in three to take care of them all, as much as it kills him.

or. something something kali intigrating himself into the relationship. slowly learning how they all tic and what theyre like. idk how being ghosts affected this all tho. they probably could both see each-other, but seeing the living world? maybe just in small flickers with months in between? glimpses into the lives of criminal!stone and magic user!reader.

sure, reader could probably sense them, but they couldnt interract. maybe reader greeting them at times. "oh, hi kali.. stone." knowing they cant reply. and within seconds, its gone. something something being spiritually bound to magic user!reader? because of the extent they interact with both spirits?

maybe it really was just serial killer!stone's first attempt at life which must end in tragedy. but that doesnt exempt him from me smushing him into the angst blender and putting that sucker in turbo blend mode

idk i woke up like 30min ago. idk how connected any of these thoughts are

~ rusty

The angsty side of me wants to say that Serial Killer!Stone's story still ends in tragedy despite dying once already.

Kali dies again and so does Magic User!Reader. The only reason Criminal!Stone is alive is because the universe is just like "This is not how your story ends." And so now he and Serial Killer!Stone are the only ones left and Criminal!Stone turns resentful towards Serial Killer!Stone because if only he hadn't tried to become happy, then you would be alive.

#tyler's asks #tyler's inbox #tyler answers asks #answering asks #asks #task force 141 oc #call of duty oc #cod oc #task force 141 oc: stone #call of duty oc: stone #cod oc: stone #criminal!stone #serial killer!stone #stone variants #the multiverse of stone #the stone multiverse #angst #tw angst #i did a thing #rusty anon #:)

[roffmychest]

This all happened a few weeks ago but im still really annoyed bout it.

My relationship got outed through my autism (and adhd) diagnosis papers. Also the lady who did my testing sucked

I specifically asked her to leave it out if possible because not only did i not mean to bring it up, but i wasnt out to my mom and since im you know a minor still and live with her, she's gonna read the papers.

And yet here we are. My mom's cool with my relationship (which is very queer and poly btw so thats why the fear was so high) but like thats up there with the worse ways to come out.

ALSO SHE GOT SO MANY DETAILS BOUT ME WRONG IN SAID PAPERWORK

For example, there was a part that said "[Name]'s interests are BUBBLE GUPPIES, transformers, and anime"

I have to stress this i only mentioned bubble guppies once as an example of how ive always been accepting of queer people and have always been queer myself cuz i remember shipping the blue hair bubble guppie with the one with glasses as a kid. Also I never even mentioned transformers outside of mentioning how i got one of my partners' dad a tranformer thing as a gift for helping me out with my computer once.

ALSO ALSO SHE WAS VERY RUDE BOUT ME NOT KNOWING MY FRIENDS DEAD/LEGAL NAMES

She literally asked me for my friends' names, i gave a few and she said in the most "i believe youre lying and will only accept what i think is true as truth" kinda voice and asked "okay but whats their "real" names" and i literally had to go in the worse circle of a conversation of being like "those are their real names" "but those are just their usernames whats their real names" "those are their real names, we're all very queer. They're not just gonna spill their deadname and even if i knew said deadnames im not gonna tell you" "so you do know them, what are their real names then" (thats a very simplified and summarized ver of what went down but that went on for what felt like 30mins) it was such a horrible loop of a "conversation" was the worst part of those 4 hours

Im just, im so annoyed at all this. Im happy im diagnosed finally but holy crap that was hell and thats not even going into the main assessment shit. Just aaaaaaa

.

#r/offmychest

[rumyc-nt]

This first one came from a video i saw on tik tok so i will be using it but with my own twist and to my liking

Pt.1

Jasmine pov:

I was sitting at the table in the kitchen when i notice my fiancé Micheal from the living room turn the TV on to the news. There was an unexpected announcement that made me shake in my seat. “ ATTENTION ALL CITIZENS THERE HAS BEEN AN OUTBREAK ON SOME UNKNOWN CIRCUMSTANCES. PLEASE STAY SAFE INDOORS AND AND WATCH OUT FOR SOME SUSPICIOUS BEHAVIOURS. THANK YOU AND GOOD BYE.” “ Michael did you hear that?” Jasmine said. “ yea I did! I just need to call my family right now” Micheal walks out the kitchen. Jasmine knew he wasn’t about to call his family. She had known for weeks that he was seeing another woman. But Jasmine knew that staying with him was her only option knowing that her parents died in a plane crash a couple years ago. Jasmine only had a little job as a barista in a small coffee shop while Michael was a business owner for a computer company. So technically as long as she stayed quite she would be ok financially . But Jasmine wasn’t always okay Michael would get so mad when Jasmine talked about her parents. Michael was her first relationship, she didn’t quite know what to expect. But she did know that if she didn’t follow his rules she would be homeless on the street.

Couple minutes went by and Michael returned to the kitchen.

“ hey so we need to go to my parents right now so go pack bag or few”

“ what do you mean you heard what the TV said we have to stay indoors! Your parents live over an hour away!”

“It doesn’t matter alright now go pack your bag or stay here be yourself”

“ wow you would really leave me here alone” you say under your breath

“ what you say to me now!”

He walks over to jasmine jaw clenched pointing a finger at her. He gets up in her face towering over her making her feel nervous. He takes a breath puts his hand down and walks away

“ just do what i told you. Go pack a bag”.

Michael leaves the room to head to the bedroom. She take a moment before Breathing again till she sees him gone. Shes not sure why he just stopped mid track of yelling at her but she’s glad thats all he did.

Jasmine had packed a bag, just her bear essentials and went back downstairs to find Michael sitting at the kitchen table.

“Alright you ready to go now honey?”

Honey? Its been a long time since he called me honey something is really strange here.

“ yea I guess but Im still a little confused what is going on”

“It doesn’t matter for now lets just go”

They both locked up the house and walk to the car. Jasmine looked back at the house and just had a feeling she wasn’t coming back any time soon.

It has been about 30mins since both of them has spoke in the car. Jasmine had been looking out her window the entire time trying to figure out whats going on. When finally Michael broke the silence.

“I’m taking you to a house up the mountain Jasmine. Its next to a abandoned city so nothing can get you. I had known there was going to be an outbreak for a long time. I have a lot of connections with multiple people so i planned in advance a house for you”

Is he joking Jasmine thought what kind of outbreak is this. Jasmine has one in mind but theres no way it could be it right? Also what does he mean for a house for me why didn’t he say we or something. This is so strange.

“Michael you said we were going to your parents. Why are you telling me this now?”

“I knew you wouldn’t have gotten in the car if i told you at the house. I knew you would have made a fit about this whole thing so now you can’t get away.

I’m just trying to protect you. You have to understand.” Michael said reaching out for my long black hair. I pull away fast taking my hair out of his hands.

I felt so trapped what does he mean protect me. This whole situation is starting to scare me.

“I don’t even know what to say Michael.” Was the last thing she said.

Then they were finally driving up the mountain now and Jasmine looked out her window to see an overlook beautiful view of her city. She felt a pinch in her gut staring at the city.

Another 30 mins pasted and they finally reached this abandoned city. As they were driving through Jasmine could see all the run down houses and shops and all she could think about is what this city used to look like or if anyone important lived here?

While Jasmine continued to look at all the houses one particularly larger house than the rest of them looked different . Looked like he wasn’t suppose to be there, looked important. But she forgot about it once they finally pulled up to a little cottage just outside the city. It was cute and small with lots if plants around the cottage.

“This is the house you will be staying in now get out and go inside I’ll meet you in there in a second.”

Jasmine got out of the car and headed for the front door. She looked behind her to see Michael on the phone with somebody again, didn’t make her feel any better. Jasmine turned the knob and went in. She was greeted with a smell of flowers as it was spring time. The cottage was decorated inch by inch with lots of flowers 🌸. She liked it so she began to look around the place. There was a small kitchen one bedroom and one bathroom. The living room was the biggest room that you first saw when you walked in. Jasmine put her stuff down on the couch and just then Michael walked in with stern look on his face.

“What is it?”

“I have to go for a while. It won’t be to long so just stay put.”

“ really so now you are leaving me in this place i have never seen?? You cant do this to me I demand answers!”

“Listen your not getting any so if you want to live you do as your told”

Just then Michael rushed back out the door and drove off. Jasmine was so confused and scared but oddly felt little comfort in where she was.

If Michael wasn’t going to give her answers she would find them herself. Jasmine also can’t help but think why Michael looked a little scared?

Jasmine takes a look out the window before stepping outside the door.

“Im surrounded by forest how the fuck am i suppose to find the city??”

Even though Jasmine didn’t know the way Micheal’s car had left tire tracks pointing the direction towards the abandoned city. Jasmine starts to walk towards the city but she could not shake the fact she thought someone was watching her. It kept her on her toes but she did not stop. She was looking for answers and she would get them.

In the distance she could see the little houses and shops which gave her comfort as she was second guessing the way she was going. But as she gets closers she see Michaels car far away. He was talking to someone she couldn’t see who but he looked scared. As she walked closer Michael spotted her but she didn’t hide. Michael looked at her then back at the man then snapped back at her with a terrified look. Jasmine got confused stopped walking and looked back.

Next thing she knows is her ears going muffled and Michael running towards her as Jasmine saw what monsters were chasing after her. Michael slapped the shit out of Jasmine to get her back out of shock. She fell to the ground and immediately got back up to start running.

“MICHEAL WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT DO NOT TELL ME WHAT I THINK IT IS”

“Jasmine i don’t know how to say this but its my fault it’s all my fault! Keep running!”

They end up running towards the one particular house jasmine saw before. Went straight through the front doors and boarded it up with a thick piece of wood.

“ Michael your telling me that there are zombies out side right now! So this whole outbreak was because of you!?!”

“Jasmin-“

“NO were going to die were trapped!”

The zombies kept pushing against the doors harder and harder. Against Michael she wasn’t strong enough.

“What Are You DOing!!”

Michael was holding Jasmine out in front of him as a shield. The more jasmine would wiggle she more harder he was holding her.

“Micheal STOP It HURTS!”

They were slowly stepping up the stair backwards facing the door that would buss any moment.

Jasmine was desperate to get out of Micheals grasp. But there was nothing she could do as Micheal jolts as the doors buss open and a group of zombies start  piling in towards them. Micheal was still holding Jasmine in front of him tightly. As the zombies grow closer and Micheal’s back hits the wall up the stairs the room begins to fill with Jasmine’s screams.

Jasmines thoughts:

Is this how I’m going to die!?! How could this be! How could i get myself in this situation!?! Why did i ever love him!?

Jasmine pov

I could hear Micheal whimpering behind me. Just as the zombies are getting closer and closer I feel my heart drop as i get pushed in towards the zombies. Mid push i turn towards Micheal and one of the zombies catches me. Then everything stops. Nothing happens to me as i close my eyes. I open them again and the group of about 6-7 zombies are all staring at Micheal. I saw Micheal panting scared shitless and expected the zombies to have started eating me but its like they are frozen staring at Micheal with a disgusted face on.

I felt secure in one of the zombies arms as he starts to walk outside carrying me I look back and see the rest of the zombies tearing Micheal apart. I look in front of me and next thing I know a needle is going into my arm and I blackout.

Stay tuned in for next part!!!

#hotzombies #abuse recovery #past relationship abuse #narcisstic #f/M #wholesome #hurt/comfort #pov #eyelovebanana #first post #betrayal #emotional abuse recovery

[girlwithfish]

sorry idk if u literally wanted someone's opinion so if not u can ignore this:

imo he's mostly in the wrong but i can see where he's coming from to an extent? not that i condone his behavior or words at all, bc it seems pretty shitty and tone deaf of him from what you've revealed. rather i think it's bound to be messy to rush into a relationship directly after ending a previous one, especially an abusive one. from his perspective i can see that it's probably a lot of responsibility and pressure for a partner to take on so early in the relationship. like u guys are still just getting to know each other, u know what i mean?

but i think that kinda falls on him and he should've known better, bc it seems like he wanted to move things very quickly and rush into gf/bf territory knowing your recent past and vulnerability. and now he is getting annoyed bc it's not the cake walk he thought it would be. i believe u mentioned he's older too which makes it worse. i can't help but be confused by how he's acting... like i agree w/ u that he is unnecessarily making it about him and expecting you to magically get over your trauma after only a few weeks. what did he think would happen?

i wouldn't blame u if u broke up with him bc i think u deserve to be drama free and heal and live ur best life rn. wishing u the best and i hope u don't mind this message.

thanks for the input! yeah i was actually asking haha. just weird bc ive been pretty transparent and open about still dealing w stuff and not being "over" my trauma. i feel like hes underestimating the effects of abuse and thought id "get over it" even saying he thought id get over my ex the more i was with him which is weird. especially in the beginning when he seemed understanding and presented himself that way. and i think that hes conflating me not being over trauma w not being over a typical breakup which is strange to me and i felt he hasnt been very empathetic toward me. i get its a lot of responsibility but idg why he wanted to date me then or he thought itd just be easy.. just weird mixed signals from him and lack of understanding. like him suddenly being upset w me for sleeping when hes repeatedly told me he doesnt mind. and i feel im not asking him for much or i dont use him as emotional support much or really even talk about my trauma or ex this month (in the beginning we both talked abt our past relationships a lot but stopped) besides the one time a few days ago when my exs mother reached out to me and i was upset for maybe 30min to an hr when we talked abt it and he offered his input which i found unhelpful Idk. and this was triggered all by him asking how i am ystrdy and i said im not doing the best but im getting by and said i didnt need to talk abt it tho and then he said hes seeing me decline bc i still ruminate over trauma and said some weird stuff abt how he feels hes contributing and idek i said im just in a weird place rn and im working through it and then also brought up relationship stuff btwn us how i feel hes not putting as much effort to show he cares and he kind of blamed it on my sleep schedule then went on a whole thing abt me and my trauma and how hes realizing its serious trauma i "need to sit with" and idk i dont feel hes being very kind or understanding and just presumptuous about my own situation. if he didnt wanna be w someone in my situation he shouldn't have dated me and acted like he wants a relationship and "loves" me when he barely knows me. also hes the same age as me

[rextasywrites]

No sense - A Zack Fair drabble

me? being in another fandom hole? that’s more likely than you’d think!

written in 30min for a writing challenge. the stuffie on zack‘s nightstand was an idea from @prismaticpichu

please enjoy!

Warnings: mentions of sickness (sore throat, cough, NO vomit)

Some things just never made sense. For Zack, the tooth fairy never made sense. Why would losing your teeth be a celebrated act? Losing teeth wasn’t fun, and in more cases than not it was a painful procedure, filled with blood and tears. Or the one time he knocked out a baby tooth that wasn’t ready yet. He was playing with the other kids when he fell and hit his face on a large rock. Mama Fair scolded her dummy son a bit but ultimately consoled him with a hug and a scoop of ice cream once the bleeding had stopped.

In Midgar, even more things didn’t make sense to the country body. Nobody on the streets greeted each other. For the first few weeks, Zack felt like a ghost when he went on his evening walks. Back home in Gongaga, everyone knew everyone and nothing stayed a secret for long. The secret of one divorcing their husband wasn’t a secret for too long. On the bright side, if someone in the village was sick, they could expect at least three of the townsfolk to show up with hot soup and sweet tea to soothe the sick person’s aches.

The first time Zack got sick in Midgar, he tried to power through it. During training, he did sniffle a bit from time to time. His teacher asked him after he pulled up a big snot but Zack just blamed it on allergies. Allergies…as if anything besides depression was growing in Midgar. Nobody batted an eye and the training went on. Zack was more exhausted than usually, but there was only one person to notice that-

“Zack Fair. Third Class SOLDIER. Jokingly called ‘Puppy’ by a few of his classmates.”, everyone in Gaia knew this voice, and Zack froze as he was approached from behind. Sephiroth was standing behind the young SOLDIER, one of his majestic eyebrows raised. “You did not seem puppy-like at all.” “Yeah, I am sorry Sephiroth.”, Zack sighed and had to sniffle again.

This sniffle made Sephiroth frown even more, “Why are you sniffling? Are you…what’s the name again…homesick?” “Oh! Only a bit, but right now I am feeling a bit under the weather. Thank you for asking.”, but before the conversation could continue, Sephiroth was dragged away by some other Shinra employees.

*

Midnight. No sleep had blessed Zack yet. Throwing himself around in his bed as he tried to find a comfortable position for his aching body. His throat felt as if it was on fire and his sore muscles felt as if he had ran all the way from Nibelheim to Midgar. Thankfully, Zack had the pleasure of a single room, no annoying roommate - but in this very moment, he was wishing for someone to comfort him or at least make him a cup of tea. He groaned in the very same moment he heard a knock on the door.

Without asking for entry, the door was opened and Sephiroth stood in the door frame. This worried Zack - had he done something wrong? The few times he and Sephiroth had interacted, it all felt stiff and forced. Zack had gotten the feeling that their personalities were exact opposites, a country boy with more energy than the largest mako reactor versus the great war hero who always looked like he had a stick up his ass in social settings.

“Zack, are you awake?”, Sephiroth asked. Upon getting a positive answer from Zack, Seph turned on the light of Zack’s room. The third class SOLDIER rubbed his bloodshot eyes and finally managed to focus on Seph. Sephiroth, to his great surprise, had a cup in his hand. After closing the door, Sephiroth walked over to Zack and sat on the edge of his bed, only increasing the confusion in the young man.

“You mentioned being sick earlier. Here is some tea. Sorry for coming in so late, my therapy with Hojo only ended a few minutes ago.”, and Seph shoved the mug into Zack’s hands. There was some chocobo-tea in there (in dumbapple flavour!), just the perfect drinking temperature. “A good soldier needs to take care of their body too. This is something Hojo has told me whenever I got sick. If you push yourself too hard you’ll only get sicker and it’ll take longer to recover.”

“Wise words.”, Zack said after taking a sip, feeling the warm liquid soothing the pain in his throat. While Zack was drinking little sips, Sephiroth burrowed in the pockets of his coat, pulling out a few pills.

“These were given to me for sore throats and common cold symptoms.”, Seph explained as he placed the pills on Zack’s nightstand, right next to the stuffed chocobo Zack had gotten from his mother as a present a long time ago.

“I didn’t know you could get sick too, Sephiroth.”

“I only get sick if a virus is strong enough. It only happens…once every two or three years.”, Sephiroth explained, and Zack wondered how Sephiroth didn’t catch more colds considering the huge cleavage the other man had. “But stomach flus? Long before you came along, we had a horrible cook here in the HQ. If you ever wanted to get out of a mission or a certain task, he was your way to go.”

“...have you ever eaten something bad just to get out of a mission?”

“I am only human, Zack. But to answer your question, yes I have.”

“So you rather spent time shitting your guts out than going on a mission.”

“Yes, that is true. I am not sure why I am telling you this, but this stays between us, Zack.”

“Of course, Sephiroth. Hey, can I call you Seph?”

“If that’s what you desire then you shall be able to do so.”

“Awesome, Seph!”, and Zack’s joy filled voice was cut short by a coughing fit.

“You should sleep now, Zack. Your body needs more rest and it clearly hadn’t gotten it earlier today. I’ll put in a note that they should let you sleep in.”

With those words, Sephiroth stood up, heading back to the door. Zack finished the last sips from his tea before placing it on the nightstand, dry swallowing a pill for sleeping. “Thank you, Seph. Sleep well and see you tomorrow.”

“You too, Zack. Good night.”

What no one knew in this very moment was that these moments of sharing feelings and finding comfort far away from home would be the start of an amazing friendship.

Zack woke up in the late morning. His eyes fell on the mug next to his chocobo plushie and for the first time since he left Gongaga, Zack felt as if he was at home. But he wouldn’t call his mom just yet…she’d travel half the country if she knew Zack was sick…

#final fantasy 7 #zack fair #sephiroph #zackseph

[learningnewways]

Egypt - Day 2

After sleeping a full 8hrs in an actual bed for the first time in probably over a week, I felt like I could sleep all day long... But adventure was calling! We had a delicious homemade breakfast on the rooftop with breads, cheeses, salads and falafel. Yum! Our driver Amir picked us up, accompanied by our guide for the day, Rasha.

We started our day at the National Museum of Egyptian Civilization, where we saw tools used in ancient times, as well as like 20 mummies including Ramesses The Great, who was possibly the Pharaoh from the time of the Exodus... Outside the museum is an absolutely stunning man-made lake and massive garden area. It is still under construction, so we couldn’t actually walk around it, but it was beautiful. It’s what I imagine the Nile River would’ve looked liked in its prime.

We then went for a boat ride on the Nile River. I repeat, we went for a boat ride on the Nile River. Whaaaaaat?! I’ve read about the Nile River in the Bible and now here I am on it... Wild! On this river, Moses was put into a basket, to be discovered by Pharoah’s daughter... Wow... It was just the boat operator, our guide, my mother and I on a private little boat. We only went out a short distance for about 30mins, but it was wonderful. It was great to see Cairo from another perspective. We were so surprised that the Nile River was so quiet. We only saw one other boat while we were out there. It was so peaceful. Such a change from the hustle and bustle of the city with its loud tooting of horns! I’m so glad we got to do the boat ride. It would’ve been nice to do a longer ride, maybe at sunset, but we were only in Cairo for a short time, so I’ll take it!

Our guide then took us on a bit of an unexpected tiki-tour to some random places, one was a perfume place and the other a papyrus paper making and art place. It was a bit awkward as we didn’t particularly want to go and we were pretty sure our guide got a cut if we purchased something... The perfume place was uncomfortable as I’m not into that stuff anyway and my mum didn’t want to buy anything. That didn’t stop them doing a full on 30mins explanation and demonstration... Awkward... After that we went next door to the papyrus paper making and art place, and that was so much better. We got a demonstration all the way from cutting the papyrus plant to the finished paper product, it was so cool! We then walked around and I found a painting that I couldn’t help but fall in love with. Unfortunately I don’t have a photo of it and it’s packed away safely, but I just looked at it and knew it was the one for me. I spent the next 30mins bartering the guy down until I paid only 10% of the advertised price. My mum was so shocked! I am the bargain queen!

Then it was time for the pyramids! Wahoo! We were able to drive right onto the Giza Plateau where they are located and drive between pyramids which was nice. It was so surreal... I don’t really know how to explain being somewhere you have dreamt of visiting your entire life... It was hard to process that I was really there! We saw camels and pyramids and desert. My parents have photos of when they were here 30 years ago and there’s one of my dad standing on one of the pyramids. It’s insane! He is very tall, so it was helpful to see a scale of just how big each brick is. I thought there would be no way that we’d be able to do that nowadays... Well, I was wrong and so happy about that! I got to sit on the pyramids!! Whaaaaat?! Insane! Crazy! Wild! Surreal! Incredible! All the things! 

I wish I could’ve just sat there on the pyramids, taking it all in for at least an hour, but unfortunately we were on a tight schedule... But even the little time we got there was absolutely incredible. The pyramids were made over 4,000 years ago... There’s a sign that says, “built for eternity” when you enter and that seems so true! How have these pyramids been around for so long and still be in such a good condition? Especially when you have thousands of tourists climbing on them everyday? How much more stunning would they have been originally? People I’ve read about in the Bible, they must have seen the pyramids. Jesus might have seen the pyramids! And here I am, seeing the pyramids! Words can’t express my feelings...

Our driver Amir said that he has climbed all the way to the top of the pyramids twice. I didn’t believe him at first, but then he explained that it was in the 1990’s and that it wasn’t really allowed, but that he paid someone under the table to be able to do it. I mean, if I grew up in Cairo, surely that would be the thing you’d want to do! Climb the pyramids! I’ll save that for next time I think... Just kidding, it’s illegal now.

After that we went back to our accomodation, ate leftovers from the previous night’s dinner, and were in bed by 6pm. We were so tired and needed all the sleep we could get!

[sosos-adventures]

April 10th: our trip to Ha Giang

After a chill morning at Sapa Sould 2 homestay we took a taxi back to sapa city to waot for our bus to Ha Giang. And that was and adventure. First, the bus was 20minutes late and we got picked up by a taxi bringing us to another bus station. On the bus we had enough space for the forst 2 hours. Then more and more people got on and in the end 3 French guys had to sit on the floor and on plastic chairs while their backpacks were in the middle of the bus blocking the way to get out.

For some reason the bus had a delay of like an hour and thats when the French guys decided to play some vietnamese music and turn on the party lights. Apparently the smaller buses have extreme lights that can turn into colorful partylights. That combined with the song "Vietnam, Ho Chi Minh" was and adventure. But the French really enjoyed it :)

Arriving in Ha Giang, the driver wanted to know our homestays so he could drop us off.. apparently our hostel had changed location a few days earlier and so we were on that bus until nobodyelse was on it anymore and then we had to explain to him where he had to drive us to instead. So after another 30min in Ha Giang on the bus we finally arrived. Isnr it creepy that apparently the entire hostel changed location a week ago? So the owner waited at the drop off and told us to follow him up a dark road away from the main street. Gladly there really was a hostel and nothing spooky happened. And now the sad part or for others luxury:

We were the only 2 people in the entire hostel.. I really wanted to connect with other travellers and talk and exchange experiences. But as the owner only recently changed location and nobody was doing the tour with us we were all on our own. Its cool to do the trio just the two of us because we pay the same amount as if it were with 10 people. Private tours usually cost way more. So it is a luxury. We went to bed and just hoped for the best as we had no idea what to expect from the trip.

[pragmatic-illusions]

i just wanted to play with mud.

I'm currently in community college, and i get there by bus, 30min prior to start of class. I went to the art departments building, i walked into a pottery class, i saw that the schedule is open house or open hours.

I always heard ancient stories from various cultures and civilizations that humans, animals were made out of clay.

Years ago I came across Steve's Job graduation speech how he dropped out of university and just kind of dropped into class attending class and lectures. This was in the 60-70's or early 80s for all i know. I thought maybe I can do that here in my college, that wasn't the case.

I couldn't just walk in, i had to get approval of the professor teaching the class, and the head of the art department.

The college teaches enrichment classes that you pay out of pocket outside of finical aid or if your not a student.

You can audit a class, as in you can participate in class without getting a grade. But its out of pocket.

I can only observe a class, for only 1 day within the first week of a new semester.

the professor most likely teaches everyone who is registered and asked what was i doing here.

I asked around if can attend a class just for the sake of learning. thats not how it works,

I walked in one day using material unauthorized, got caught, i was left with a warning not to do it again.

I took a piece of clay from a bin, i went out with it in the cold dry air,

it felt so raw, i can feel the texture, the grain of every surface, i feel it crumble and turning into sandy grains as it dried in the cold air,

I cupped my hand, and blew warm air and moisture in it. How water, air and earth combine together to give it shape. Like in real life, how we all rely on it, I understood why people of antiquity then thought that way.

pottery is one of those art forms i haven't tried, pottery feels so ancient and personal and pure like in the process how children make pottery in the muds.

i was denied pottery class, i unintentionally found a security flaw, i would be surprised if they locked the door with a number pad in the future and a special code is given only to registered students.

i feel spiteful, that i went out of my way to research where to find wild clay outside. I spoke to the pottery professor, can i bring my own materials and use the spinning thing,, can i gift you the clay for you to fire up in the kiln, can i just YouTube videos and teach myself and use the tools here.

all no. do you accept bribes? *a chuckle, no.*

I don't blame them on the job security end.

i did ask where i can find clay and told me about a location.

I had a challenge of can i make art outside of capitalism without spending money. (impossible)

i want to make a clay middle finger out of spite and gift to the school.

i'm kinda spiteful of bueratic academic institutions, I just want to play with mud on the ground.

[utvarpcity]

today has been so draining tbh

#it was my first on campus lecture since 2020 and i had to go to the Big City which i used to love #however there are mad train issues here with staff shortages and apparently there was a fire near the tracks some time ago + damage #idk what’s going on though bc it’s so exaggerated. so many trains are cancelled and all the remaining ones always arrive late #bc they have to stop and wait for the green light a lot which doesnt make sense as there arent as many trains ??? #anyway i arrived and attended the lecture. it was fine. whatever #then as i was walking to the bus i DARED use my phone for 10 SECONDS which resultet in the battery flashing red bc it’s cold out #and i had to try and keep it alive while waiting for the bus bc it’s got my commuter pass #also i found out they changed which buses arrive. there used to be one that you could board and it went to the nearby underground station #well those don’t allow ppl to board the bus anymore bc it’s the second to last stop or whatever? wtf kind of system is that #then the other bus used to go to the railway station but now it only goes half the way so instead of sitting comfortably the whole way #i have to switch to the tube - walk a bit - and THEN finally catch my train (if it’s not cancelled lol) #but i also decided since i was in town to go to my usual fave supermarket so i took the tube there and i forgot which exit i usually go to #so i went through the wrong one and didn’t know where i was and couldnt use my phone obv so i walked around for like 30mins looking #feeling really stupid bc i used to go there so often i automatically knew the way but it’s been two years i guess. sigh #used up my last money on food 🥲 then as i went to the railway station i DID THE SAME MISTAKE AGAIN #exitted the wrong way LMAO and had to walk about a bit #my head is somewhere else truly #so nervous about a spoken exam i’m taking on monday. terribly so #also constantly worried about my health bc ever since i was sick in january i’ve been getting random chest pains and heart palpitations. #had to go to the ER few weeks ago bc it was so bad but they told me it wasn’t dangerous and my blood pressure levels and tests were normal #so it might be combined smth remained from the sickness + good old stress #idk but it FEELS so insane. why would stress suddenly make me out of breath simply walking upstairs or my heart beat so heavy it makes me #like.. shake? at night when i’m trying to sleep and literally nothing’s happening??? #anyway on top of all this is of course the outbreak of war. which is obviously more terrible than anything else #but from a personal standpoint it’s something else contributing to my huge levels of anxiety lately #had a conversation with my friend about it over text today we both had cried #like obv we’re not affected DIRECTLY but we’re def affected indirectly #and who the fuck isn’t scared for all those ukrainian civilians who live in terror of what’s happening #apparently my hometown put up ukrainian flags on the big square in solidarity #feels horrible being just a random person who can’t do anything about it

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Treatment/Recovery Update - May 2021

Okay, I will try to ramble less in this one (so sorry!) ^ well that didn't happen!

In terms of when I did leave hospital, as I mentioned a tiny bit in the last post, my EDP was completely AWOL. A month before I was due to be discharged she came to a meeting with myself and my consultant, during which we set up 4 appointments that would be over zoom before I was discharged to help with relapse prevention and the transition home, as well as setting out, in principle, the therapeutic support that I would be getting once home...it all sounded great, so great. But as usual when it comes to my team, it was too good to be true (should have called it). I attempted to contact her when our appointments never happened but I kept being met by a brick wall; no one knew what was happening, all I got told was that she was "off"... Time passed and I was discharged with only a phone call booked in from someone from the general team to check I was safe a few days later (it was literally 5 minutes, long if that) and an appointment to do physical monitoring the next wee....a far cry from the original discharge plan *sigh* Coming home was a bit of a whirlwind. We were approaching Christmas but we were still under a lot of restrictions with COVID, so it was a very strange/messy/weird few weeks.

Time continued to pass and there was still no confirmation around therapy or support, even the ED team didn't know what was happening with L, I just continued to go to two weekly physical monitoring. In the end, with nowhere else to turn, I contacted my consultant from hospital. To say that she was mad that nothing had been in place/I had no support would be an understatement and I thank my lucky stars that she was able to get involved. It took a couple of weeks but I finally had my first session with a therapist in February. In total it took about 8-9weeks from discharge to see someone, which, well, was hard.

Upon reflection, I think one of the biggest things I struggled with with coming home was that I had literally no leave to practice beforehand. This meant that I unfortunately slipped back into old habits very quickly as, well I know it is no excuse but coming back to the same environment your brain easily slips into automatic mode and you find yourself doing what you "used" to do without realising it.

I was in, I would say, quite a vulnerable state when I left hospital (the last few months there were pretty rocky to say the least) and the day before I was discharged (as I mentioned in a previous post somewhere) I was handed 3 different, very conflicting, meal plans and the nutritionist who had previously been very horrible to me and who had been away for a number of weeks, told me that she did not think I could continue to recover at home and that the best possible case would be if I only lost a bit of weight over the next 6 months....I think you can probably guess how badly this was taken and how messy my mind was. So with 3 meal plans in hand, none of which I had practiced, with little to no support from the ED team, I was, essentially, crisis managing, simply trying to get through each day.

I know, I know. Classic kitty - stuck record. failure. mess. making a million and one excuses. trying to make out like she is fine to the rest of the world when in fact inside she was falling apart. sigh.

In terms of my weight recovery I was not discharged at a healthy BMI/weight, which my consultant was sad about, however I was in a much better place than when I was admitted (I think I had gained about half the weight I would have needed to from when I was admitted to get to a healthy weight). I will admit that part of me does wonders whether staying would have been beneficial, because on a very basic level yes it could have helped in some ways. However if I stretch my mind back to when I was still on the ward ,it actually still floods me with anxiety and fear because of how UNHELPFUL the environment had sadly become. It is hard to explain to someone who has not experienced an EDU, but the patient groups can and do make a massive of differences. I was vvv lucky that when I was initially admitted, and for the first good couple of months, it was a v supportive and recovery focused environment. However, by about late Sept/early October ,things turned completely upside down (which was not helped by the fresh COVID lockdowns either) and even staff were saying how terrible it had gotten and how they could not believe the things that they were being asked to manage on the progression ward. There were times when I felt incredible unsafe on the ward and feared for others patients, which is not "okay". I genuinely believe that staying any longer would have likely made my mental health decline further; I had already found the massive shift was negatively affecting me and I think staying would have been unwise. I had also gained quite a lot of weight and was, I hate to admit, struggling with both coming to terms with that along with dealing with everything that you are continually facing when going through treatment/recovery alongside working on trauma stuff. I know none of that is any worthy excuse, but that was how it was...At this time I was struggling a lot with my meal plan and had quite a few lapses whilst on the transition phase of the unit however despite screaming out for help/support from staff, because of the acute situation on the ward, I was just left. They knew I was struggling, I was told time and time again that they had not forgotten me, but did I get help? no. It was actually made worse by the then nutritionist who sat me down like a naughty school girl and basically told me that I was a failure and that I would never achieve anything in life blah blah blah (please see a past post if you want to know more) which made me even more scared to reach out for 'help'/'support'. So no, I don't think staying would have helped much, which is a real shame.

Therapy wise I had a bit of a rough ride in there (god I'm really selling this aren't I?!). When admitted I was not in a place for 'traditional' therapy what so ever; looking back I honestly have no idea how I was even 'functioning' (was I functioning? probably not) and even the group therapies were a struggle but my consultant stuck with me and with time I was able to process a little more. One thing that helped me beyond words was 1:1 Art Therapy. This was not something I had accessed before, only ever doing group sessions in the past which was mostly about getting away from the ward and doing a bit of art. I cannot reiterate enough how different and HELPFUL the 1:1 sessions were. The art therapy, who I knew from the last year and is an absolutely GEM, helped me to begin to process and work through the trauma that I had experienced with dad. It took a lot of time and persistence but I was able to use those sessions in so many ways and I will forever be grateful to P for supporting me (I was so lucky to be able to have 1:1 sessions for the majority of my 8 admission).

The more traditional therapy initially took the form of 30min sessions with my consultant once to twice a week (as much as I hated them, she was bloody good). I also had a review and a few sessions with the lead therapist via zoom (she was heavily pregnant so was working from home) not long after being admitted, but she soon went on maternity leave. This left me to be picked up by her student, who was actually incredible. We did a long extended piece of work on my perfectionism which, again, was SO helpful but she sadly left (for bigger and better things) and I was left hanging for a while as there were no other openings. A new lead therapist started and after a while he did a few sessions with me before leaving suddenly (I think even staff only had a weeks notice, which was ridiculous), so I was back to twiddling thumbs for a few weeks. I then met with a therapist who worked 2 mornings a week that I saw a bit during my last admission but we didn't do many sessions and it just fell away. This was mostly my fault as by this point I was questioning my admission and whether I would self discharge as there were some not good things going on on the ward, so I wasn't really in the headspace to explore things deeply and had been picked up and put down so many times that I just couldn't do anymore. Throughout that time though I continued to see my consultant weekly, mainly focusing on mindfulness and other therapy styles thrown in there too at times.

I will forever be thankful/grateful for the admission I had, especially to be under a different consultant (for COVID reasons they had to split things differently as they would usually do it by area but that wasn't possible at the time I was admitted) as her approach made a huge difference. I still remember one of the first things she said to me was that she couldn't believe/was that I had been placed on the SEED pathway and that she believed that I could be more than that, which honestly, gave me a little bit of hope (something that had been ripped apart and shredded by my usual consultant multiple times).

But back to now.... I have now been seeing a new therapist weekly (when possible) since February and, in a backwards way, I am so glad that L disappeared off the grid because the "support" I was going to be getting under the original plan was just sessions with her to do some self guided self help stuff, whereas with this therapist we have actually been doing some HELPFUL work. In terms of L, I think the last I was told she never returned to work and has now left the team (we have a sneaky feeling that she either had a complete break down or that it was due to too may complaints (mum called this a long time ago as she was not qualified for the role at all and was utterly useless), which, yeah, was strange to not get an ending as I had worked with her for a few years. Anyway, I've been doing SCHEMA therapy with this new lady (I'd not heard of it before) and at first I was a bit reluctant but it's been incredibly insightful. I continue to learn more about myself and the reasons why I may have gone down certain roads each session. HOWEVER. and this is a big however. There has been a bit of a snag in the rope.

In short, yes I have been engaging really well with the therapy side, my weight and physical health has only continued to deteriorate since i was discharged. We are talking classic kitty of slowly slipped backwards, nothing dramatic, nothing to make alarm bells go off or warrant a review, but it's not been good. Anorexia is screaming at me for saying all of this, it shouts "but you weigh so much more than when you were admitted, you are a complete fraud blah blah blah" which is all the same old boring drivel it always spews out. But basically Im in dangerous waters now in terms of losing therapy/not being able to engage with therapy properly if things dont improve. Ive been in classic stuck mode, getting so absorbed by the numbers and the bubble that AN offers, that I have been numb to it all. The HCA I was seeing was really trying to help me to make changes but she left a while ago (she was going back to train as a nurse) and since then I have had the odd appointment here and there (I think it fell to every 3 weeks for a while as there were no available appointments) with people trying to cover the clinic until someone else is hired for the role, which is far from ideal as they literally just do the necessary obs and send you on your way.

Okay that sounds like yet another excuse, which is probably is, but it's not been an easy ride since I left hospital to say the least.

BUT this past week things have begun to shift a little. I was honest with my therapist about the whole food/meal plan side of things and we actually spoke about how we can't focus on therapy things until I am in a more stable place, which is both really hard to hear but also exactly what I need to hear. I am actually being more open to change, which is a shift from where I was just a week ago. It is bloody painful, even just thinking about it all hurts/is exhausting and I am still very much in the darkness /struggling with it but there is now a little part of me that is screaming out and trying to be heard. There is a little part of me that WANTS to get out of this endless messy limbo that this relapse has been and wants to start stepping back into "recovery". There is part of me that wants a chance. And I've got to start listening to that side a little more.

I promise, the next update will be a little more positive Stay tuned.

#personal #update #If anyone actually reads this you deserve a medal #im sorry #this is a crappy update #I promise there are more positive things to come #I have things to tell you all!!!

[kidmetsu-no-yaiba]

What They Do When You’re Having A ‘Split’ And Become Angry  

This includes: Tsukishima, Kuroo, Bokuto, Kita, Suga, Ennoshita, Ushijima

This is just how I perceive them as what they would do for a best friend/romantic partner that experiences BPD anger in a similar way as I do. Also I'm off my stabilizers haha..ha.

Also none of these are meant to be mean about the characters I literally chose my faves for this.

Uh TW for bpd I guess?

Gender Neutral reader bay bee

Tsukishima (Not the trigger):

Doesn’t even recognize it at first, thinks its just a normal bad day from work

After, like, 30 minutes of you just sitting there and glaring at your phone without talking or even changing your expression he starts to get a clue.

Goes about his normal chores that upset you, but he plays your “Calming” playlist out loud on his phone just loud enough for you to hear

If he’s exhausted every chore and you still haven’t talked, he purposefully looks for funny or interesting news articles about stuff you like and reads the headlines out to you to get you to look at him or talk

Once you start at least looking at him, hopefully talking too, begins trying to coax out what triggered you

Ignores if you make any outright mean or just passive aggressive comments towards him instead of answering but will get aggressive in return

If he manages to get What Happened out of you he immediately calls you an idiot. Regardless of what it is. Is a mean comforter.

“Getting mad over your best friend talking on the phone too long while you’re hanging out isn’t an excuse to be mean”

“You’re stupid if you think it’s your fault that your friends aren’t paying attention to you, not everything is about you.”

It hurts but, it works even if sometimes it feels like he’s going a Bit Too Far

Will watch comforting videos or shows with you if it calms you down but that's about it. Very big on “You’re an adult and I’m not your psychiatrist, figure it out yourself.”

Kuroo (Is the trigger):

Instantly recognizes the Shut Down while teasing you, when you stop responding, your face is blank except for your down turned eyes.

‘Oh I’ve Fucked Up™’ is his immediate thought

“Y/N you know I didn’t mean that right? We were just playing, I’m sorry!” “Don’t you have a proposal to finish.”

Immediate shoulder drop. Is also upset now but decides to wait a little bit before trying to calm you.

After 30min or so of you hiding under your blanket he decides it’s time to try and pull you out of your head.

Cooks your most aromatic favorite food so the smell wafts into your room

Blasts your comfort playlist on a speaker and loudly sings along to it

When you still don’t come out when the food is done, sits outside the door saying “oh FUCK this shit is BUSSIN’” comically loud, overexaggerates your favorite things about it outloud.

When you eventually give in, just to get some food, he corners you with his body

“What about what I said upset you?” As a genuine question, not a mean one

After you explain, he lets you eat and offers a sincere apology when you finish

Offers to draw a bath with your favorite scent if it’ll help you. It does.

Bokuto (Is the trigger):

You came home and Bokuto had the tv up high while watching tiktoks and listening to music. After a moment the tea kettle went off. Before turning it off he realized you had walked in and bounded over to you. There were Too Many Noises.

He tried to talk over the noise but realized your eyes were boring into his and you had The Look

Also a ‘Oh I’ve Fucked Up™’

Rushes to take the kettle off the heat and turn off his phone before checking on you only to see you’ve already gone in and shut the bedroom door. You didn’t even take your shoes off..

Big pouty, sulky fool. Mopes around for a bit after turning off all the noise in the house.

Eventually looks for other things that upset you and finds that the house is, kind of a mess actually. Decides to clean as quietly as possible.

Does all of your least favorite chores first incase you re-emerge from the bedroom too soon

When everything seems to be done he opens your door and finds you tucked into bed and scrolling on your phone, very quiet music playing from it.

It was only 5pm but he took off his street clothes and climbed into bed as well. 

Absolutely gets up behind you and grabs you around your waist and snuggles in without saying anything even though he wants to

When you finally feel comfortable you look over your shoulder to see Bokutos already fallen asleep. Idiot. 

You order takeout for when he wakes up because, even though he tried his hardest to be quiet, you could hear him washing the dishes and didn’t want to ruin the work he did for you

Kita (Not the trigger):

Very straightforward the second he realizes you are Not Good

"Y/N if you tell me what's wrong it'll end quicker" 

When you don't even look at him he still continues talking "We both know you hate when you're like this. It'll make you feel better if you just talk to me even if you don't want to."

Is fairly stern when talking to you at the beginning. Not mean but just very much like 'this is going to get done whether or not you cooperate.'

If you don't cooperate then he begins to ignore you until you snap and eventually scream and air out everything that's wrong and what triggered you. 

Goes through everything you said with you and gives you an objective perspective although it basically boils down to "I know you can't help it but your ego is hurting you. Not Everything Is About You."

Once your conversation on that is over he asks if you want him to watch tiktok or listen to music or something with you

 Suga (Is the trigger):

He hadn’t meant to ignore you all day. He’d woken up before you and been so busy at work all day he didn’t get a chance to text. It was the club he advised’s meeting day and it was dragging on longer than usual, he hadn’t texted anyone all day to be fair

When he finally comes home he’s confused as to why you’re tucked in on the couch

“Hey Y/N you tired? Sorry I didn’t get a chance to talk today there was a lot of bureaucratic shit going on and then the club president decided we were all going to stay until the end of the activity. Kids am I right?” He laughs and smiles towards you but you continue to ignore him

After some physical encouragement, poking and whatnot, it dawned on him that you are Probably Going Through It

Jesus Christ

Immediately decides he is not having it and moves your legs off the couch so he can sit next you

“Y/N I looovvveeee youuuuu~~~” He says as he pulls you to him by the shoulders “I love you I love you I love youuu” 

Just babbles honestly, goes on and on about how he didn’t mean to ignore you and how he was honestly busy but he’s here now

And like yeah, he is here now so eventually you level out and let yourself be coddled for a bit longer

Makes pinky promises that he promises to text you when he’s busy or going to be running late

Also runs you a nice bath just in case

Ennoshita (Not the trigger):

Knows what's going on because he’s been watching you stare at the tv for about 20 minutes but, the tv is off. 

Is objective with his words like Kita but with more emotional appeal

“Y/N I know you’re in the middle of something but when you’re ready, I’ll be ready to listen to you,”

If, after a while, you don’t make any effort to talk to him he tries to point you in a better direction than staring at walls and moping around

“You don’t have to talk to me but I found a tiktok I think you’d enjoy” or “You know you haven’t tried that new nail polish you bought a bit ago” 

Is okay with just letting you figure it out on your own so you can apply the stuff you’ve worked on with your psychiatrist but will feel a little guilty if he doesn’t say anything at all

Will do anything that you need to get done but aren’t because of your episode like dishes or tidying your room

Ushijima (Not the trigger):

First of all, calls your episodes “tantrums”

Literally has no clue when you’re in an episode unless you tell him, he is not very bright

If you do tell him that you’re having issues he defaults to trying to use physical affection against whatever it is that you’re feeling

May or may not make you angrier by doing that

Although he wasn’t the original trigger, him being so dense might override it tbh

Like you love him but oh my god oh my god oh my god how have you survived this long 

Eventually decides “I do not know how to deal with this” and just leaves. He goes to the store and gets the shopping done for the next 2 weeks and gets some cool looking snacks. 

Thinks ‘well I’m already out, I might as well get the car washed’ after, turns into ‘Oh Y/N needed to get their new prescription too..’ ‘I think I remember a discussion about their package getting stuck at the post office..’

Literally accidentally does every single errand that needed to be done for the next month because he didn’t want to go home and upset you more

When he finally comes back home with 50lbs worth of shit from errands you’re like ????? because how did he know that you were stressed about all the house stuff that needed to be done????? 

It’s not an instant mood changer but you definitely go from seemingly uncontrollable rage to ‘Okay I was being a bit much’ but as you watch him prep veggies before storing them away the way you usually do it, you level out

He is unaware you’ve levelled out so he tries to remember the coping skills you said you talked about with your psychiatrist and you are deeply confused when he asks you to open your palm and places an ice cube in it

When you realize what’s going on you laugh and tell him you’re okay and apologize for how you were being earlier and explain what triggered you

He gives you the cool looking snacks

#Haikyuu #tsukishima #kuroo #bokuto #suga #sugawara #kita #Kita Shinsuke #Ennoshita #Ushijima #tsukishima kei #kuroo tetsurō #Bokuto kotarou #sugawara koushi #ennoshita chikara #Ushijima Wakatoshi #Ushiwaka #haikyu imagines #imagines #this is my first time writing anything for anything and im dead inside

[singular-nail]

FOR WRITERS: concussion experience from me, a person who was hit on the head with a fridge by someone who shall remain nameless

NOTE:

this was a mild concussion. I didn’t lose consciousness or vomit. I didn’t even realize anything was unusual for a while after.

It happened over a year ago; I am fine and have no long-term effects.

THIS IS NOT A MEDICAL ADVICE POST. Concussion symptoms depend on the person’s history, the injury, and the severity. This is intended to provide interesting details for writers who want to include aftereffects of a mild concussion in their story.

Long post! More below the cut.

The injury happened in the afternoon (details removed to protect the innocent!!!). I’ve hit my head as hard or harder before in my life and had no consequences other than headache, so I didn’t think much of it. It hurt, so I put an icepack on it and chatted with friends. In retrospect, 30min-1hr after the injury, I was already starting to feel a bit woozy. When talking, sometimes it was more difficult than usual to find the right word.

Later that night I drove to my parents’ house. I don’t believe I was driving unsafely and my car wasn’t difficult to operate (again, NOT medical or legal advice!). The first sign something was amiss was when my mom handed me a free-verse poem and I COULD NOT make head or tail of it. If you’d asked me to read it out loud, I could have concentrated extra hard and done it, but it was very difficult to make the words on the page form themselves into a narrative in my mind. Honestly, this was scary and a bit of a mindfuck! But I was in denial that anything was wrong, so I didn’t say anything.

My head continued to hurt (a sort of constant throb) into the next morning.

The next morning I drove to work. Reading emails was not an issue like the poem had been, but my executive function was even more broken than usual (or broken in a different way.) I had no queue in the back of my mind for what tasks needed to be done after the one I was working on. Multitasking was impossible. I also noticed my sense of time was off, and continued to occasionally stumble over words.

At that point it was very clear my brain was operating differently than normal. I called my doctor and went home sick.

For the next 10 days I stayed in my darkened room and avoided screens and reading of any kind, except to check my work email twice a day. My symptoms were fairly consistent during this time:

If I tried to read or look at my phone for too long, my head would start to hurt and I would get dizzy. I’d feel eyestrain within a few minutes, as if I had been on the computer all night. If I had “pushed through” and tried to continue reading for any length of time, or looking at bright light, I believe it would have impacted my recovery.

Any exertion made my head start to throb.

My sense of time was SO BAD! It’s never been good, but this was another level. I had no notion of how much time was passing--not just that, but you know how you usually have a sense of what time of day it is and how much of the day has gone by? Nope. I didn’t know if it was early morning or time for dinner. (Being in a dark room all day may have contributed to this.)

Same with my sense of where the current day was located in the week. I was eagerly waiting for the week to be up because that was the ballpark recovery time, but I had to count the days off on my fingers to figure out if the current day was closer to the end or the beginning of the week. My thought process word for word: “I know today is Thursday... Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. Three days before Thursday and one day after. That means the week is almost over.” It was WILD to realize I was thinking like this.

Again, random words would be hard to grab out of my vocabulary. It was just like when an obscure word is on the tip of your tongue, but it happened with words I use in everyday speech, like “vague” or “toaster.” Also, once I had hold of the right word, my certainty that it was the right word wasn’t nearly as strong as it usually is. I don’t remember numbers being hard, only words.

Nothing else was impacted. There are no gaps in my memory of the injury or the time after. I could still cook, do chores, and work on crafts. I knitted a lot of blanket squares and listened to a lot of youtube. It was frustrating as hell not being able to read or check social media or do anything except what I could do in low light, and I went a bit stir crazy, but I made it through :)

By the end of the 10 days my brain function was totally back to normal. I’d say it was noticeably better even by day 7.

Although my brain was working properly again, I was photosensitive for 3-4 months afterwards (it’s called post concussion syndrome and is not uncommon.) Looking at bright light or reading on screens gave me headaches, felt painful to my eyes, and made some of the dizziness I experienced in the first week come back. Setting websites and apps to dark mode, using orange filters like f.lux on my screen, and wearing blue-light filtering glasses helped with this.

Like I said, I’m 100% fine and this is just a slightly interesting story now! I hope it helps you add detail when writing a character experiencing a mild concussion.

#concussion #medical #writing #whump #anecdotes #nails post

[selfcareparker]

yesss the letter format 💝💓💘💖💞💕💖💞💓 (lovely anon)

my dearest aria (a hamilton reference lmao),

i’m home alone (bc i wanted the house alone to get my head together after my brothers were mean to me 🙃) and i’m so hype LMAO but i’m watching chloe x halle’s tiny desk concert and honestly just vibing. (this is so random) besides zendaya like they are my badass black women role models. my one accomplishment would be to learn to body roll like them LMAO

oh nevermind i can’t have anything nice, my dad just came home 🙃 WHAT A WAY TO START OFF THIS ASK WTFFF

i’m liking tfatws, the second episode was veryyy intense imo but WANDAVISION IS SO GOOD😭 i knew it was going to be my favorite from the really old trailer but it’s really good and i promise it’s not just sitcoms, girl especially cuz you’ll have all the episodes already out- we were having to wait every week😭 BUT ITS SO GOOD I PROMISE HDJSHDJSH lmao reading this i was like “i- the episodes aren’t an hour long” but i feel that, it’s hard for me to watch tfatws bc they are an hour long and i’m like 😐 but wandavision episodes are less than 30mins bc I KID YOU NOT they have the damn 10 MINUTE CREDITS DHDJSJ no i don’t think we’ve talked about this b4 lol but it all depends on the series for me. i binged love island uk in less than a week bc i was so invested and LITERALLY LOVE IT but uh those episodes are like an hour and a half, but say i was binging tfatws (it’s so hard to type that ohmigosh) i honestly would not be able to do it bc of the intensity (you may be like what intensity but if you’ve seen episode 2 by the time you’re reading this.......... isaiah and the scene afterwards is all i have to say, esp me being black it was so tough :/)

girl you’re fine, as long as you’ve experienced it once hahaha i think the reason why it’s so important to my family (this letter feels so personal and extreme HSJSJA IM SORRY) is bc my grandmother loved it and in my family i guess it’s just important to us lol like my mom and dad love it too and we have the literal VHS tapes LMAO, but it only came up recently cuz my youngest brother was watching lion guard HAHA and he wanted to see the originals :) and fun fact (unless you already know) but there’s a lion king part 2 and 1 1/2 and i have all three ON VHS HAHAHA but i love lion king 1 duh (the og) but part two’s music and love story..... is so good. anyway. 🦁

I WAS THINKING THE SAME THING DURING THE WHOLE MOVIE THEATER ENCOUNTER THING HAHAHA AND WHEN SHE WAS SAYING AWKWARD I WAS LIKE WTF THE NOISE LMAOOOO i don’t think there’s a better way to describe that whole situation than ZKDHDJSHAJAJSHDJSNAHA. yeah. yeaaaa at the cinemas (i like the word cinema more than movies 🥰) here they have chips (fries), some have ice cream, nachos, drinks, hot dogs, the cinema we were at had pretzels and like BURGERS I WAS LIKE HUH OKAY and ya know obviously popcorn but i don’t know why the theaters (or cinemas) here do that, it started a long time ago though like yearsssss

PLEASE i have the longest movie watchlist and uhh haven’t seen any of them JDJSKA (istg i use HSJSSKSH as a period - like . ) i’m still hype for cherry but very hesitant (idk if i can handle it) but i’m thinking about watching it in the next couple of weeks? i know it’ll take me forever bc i’m gonna have to keep pausing and shit but idk. i’ve asked around for very specific trigger warnings and time stamps so i REALLY know what’s coming (even if it spoiled the film a bit for me) but i do really wanna see it (i think? writing this now i’m not so sure lol) so whooooooo really knows lol, but chaos walking YES i was really excited about it :))) and about my friend uhh dude you don’t sound mean at all i was literally thinking the same thing but worse HAAKL idk what she was there for???? she bought my ticket tho so 💁🏾‍♀️ whatever

“SIMS ahh, BUNK BEDS ahh” had me cracking up lmao and you know my sims status JAJAHHAJ but i’m gonna become like you, saving every 5 minutes 😭 but that’s exactly what happened to me, i really didn’t know whether to shut it off or not but after 2 hours i was heartbroken lol i’m literally making a list of things i need to redo that wasn’t saved lmao

CAN I JUST SAY UR A MASTERMIND THOUGH??? UR SIMS GAME SOUNDS SO *chefs kiss* IM CRINE university is PAINFULLY long and LITERALLY I FEEEL THAT like you can’t do anything else without failing, i had my sim go to a party once for like a few hours and i felt so dumb afterwards like urgh he should’ve been studying LMAOO just cracking down on work honestly. UR NEIGHBOR!AU IN THE SIMS PLEASEEE i am very much in love with it, yes. (pouring rain has just suddenly begun where i am rn wow ok) i love that you put them on the same lot, that was really really smart and i love that ur living out your sexuality in the sims😭 i was abt to say “now you can say you’ve got experience bc of the sims” but ANYWAY IGNORE ME fhdhs THE ALIEN BABY DHSJSK i hope it’s not a dealbreaker for enisa. that’d be tragic. IM BACK IN UPPERCASE THO BC YES MAKING OUT IN THE SIMS IS SO HOT TO ME??? I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE STFU OH MY GOSH- all the stuff, whispering sweet nothings, and the making out, and JUST ALL OF IT!!! AM I TOUCH STARVED????? there was this time i made my sim just continue to woohoo bc it was turning me on big time. ANYWAY

half way through that i had to go to my grandmothers house (not the one that likes lion king, but uh hmm idk if you remember but i was talking abt my shit family so yeah that grandmother lol) so now i’m finishing this 🥴 and instead of chloe x halle i’m watching a tom interview lmao & if this takes me longer than 30 minutes.... imma cry

I REALLY WANNA ASK- IS IT BC UR GERMAN LIKE YOU CAN JUST WRITE OUT THAT LONG ASS WORD???? i mean i can’t write out supercalafrag- anyway, but that word is a bit nonsense, UR WORD IS A REAL WORD DUDE HDJSHS i love how ur like “maybe i mixed up these words” YEA OK.

lol i had to google what are waveformers lol (lol makes a comeback) and they look like curlers that you would sleep in (here we would call them curlers or uhm i forgot uhhhhhhh rollers i think) but ur fine when am i ever making sense?? i think the best part about these is the chaos yet we understand what the other means 😌

H20 H20 H20 OH MY GOODNESS SHE BROUGHT UP H20 OK MY LIFE WAS H20🥲 I HAVE THEIR LOCKET NECKLACE AND (short storytime) when i was younger i thought they were american despite their accents (idk i was dumb) but then i figured they weren’t when lewis went to go study in america HAHAH ALSO FAVORITE COUPLE CLEO AND LEWIS UGH WATCH ME REWATCH THE SHOW NOW THANKS (also i hated elizabeth so much) but anyway back on topic, when lewis went to go study in the US i looked up where the show took place and all that good stuff and i found out they were australian HAHAH and that started my obsession with accents LMAO the uk :’)) (i’m proofreading AND AUSTRALIA IS NOT A PART OF THE UK LMAOO IM SOO DHSJSSHS) also it is now one of my many goals (besides the body roll HAHAH) to go to mako island (that’s what it’s called right??)

about music, i googled stormzy and i might listen to a song of his.. LOL I WANNA GIVE IT A TRY IMMA DO IT FOR YOU NFDVSFSG lmaoo the german rapper had me cackling (autocorrect once again being helpful and said raper and i’m like nOO) i mean we all have that one person. can’t lie, won’t lie. my one (IM SORRY BUT AUTOCORRECT HAD “MY ONE TRUE ACCOMPLISHMENT” SITTING AND READY HDJSJA I DONT EVEN TYPE THAT wHAT) person out of my white soft boy with brown hair and brown eyes type would beeeee pete davidson. love me some petey. i was gonna say rex orange county as well lmao but i don’t really loveeee him i’m just in love with his music... and wanna be friends with him..... so 👉🏾👈🏾 (i never do that fdshsh)

oh my goodness, i love tattoos too- GASP what are you thinking of getting 🥺 i want tattoos too but i’m too indecisive to figure out what to have & where. especially in my family... idk they aren’t frowned upon but my mom’s not applauding the thought lol, if i got one it would have to be meaningful but i am absolutely in love with (for example) ariana grande’s finger tattoos !! they’re so cute and simple :’) i don’t even know if i can get tattoos? my skin is... interesting. not in a bad way!! just like.... idk how to explain it??? keyloids run in the family & i got a piercing once and it got infected soo :/ the doctor also confirmed that if i wanted tattoos they couldn’t be in color so LMAO

ONCE AGAIN THIS WHOLE THING FEELS SO TMI DHSHSSJ IM LIKE OHMIGOSH SHUT UP SHE DOESNT CARE JESJSKS

in regards to you not sleeping, i wanted to mention that dumb bird, what was the reason it was up so early aT 4AM???? SIR WHO YOU CALLING TO??? also it’s 11:30pm and idk why i’m tired???

yeah i was never SUPER into justin so i don’t know exactly what albums you’re talking about lol, i do know yummy though.. but everyone did hahaha also i listen to so much pop 🙈 i mean maybe... idk what would count as pop and what wouldn’t. that new person feeling though.. i get that. it’s like who is this new person..? i kinda feel like that with taylor swift (i was never THAT into her either though so it’s like oh wait i didn’t know you from the beginning instead of hello old friend but you’re different lol)

about the concerts, thanks 🥰🥰 that’s so sweet what you did for your mom too, it’s nice seeing them so happy like 🥲 awh AND GLEE IS AND WAS MY LIFE FOR A V V LONG TIME, i’ve been meaning to rewatch it for the longest time lmaooo but i’m just so lazy and it’s such a commitment... i’ll have to get emotionally involved again and idk if i want that rn. but i have a friend on instagram and she runs a glee fan account and it’s such a big part of her life i really don’t think i could ever be THAT obsessed with something. like another one of my friends loves tom holland so much that she changed her mom’s name in her phone to what tom’s mom’s name is in his phone (that was confusing lol) and obviously i’m not judging them AT ALL, it just couldn’t be me lol

CONCERTS LOOK LIKE SO MUCH FUN 😩😩 LIKE THE EXPERIENCE AND THE FEELINGGG URGHSJS i wanna see a few people live like ari and chloe x halle and- hmm.... idk who else FJDSJ rex orange county i guess huh anyway, the experience just sounds so amazing and the atmosphere is just ✨✨✨ yeah

aria do it do it do it do it do it- watch hamilton!! but with subtitles bc you won’t catch half of the things they’re saying without them LMAO (me and my family watched it and they all didn’t like it bc they didn’t know what was happening lol) BUT DONT WATCH IT AT 4AM LMAO ITS LITERALLY 3 HOURS LONG

yes!! superior peter fics 🥺🥺🥺🥺 and it just shows how much of an incredible writer AND PERSON you are through your fics that you can turn a blurb into 2k....... like what.

LMAO the annoying thing, sometimes i feel like i’m bothering people (like right now HAHAH) but i think it’s my antisocial side being like yeaa no one wants to talk to you like you wanna talk to them :’) idk it’s strange!! sometimes i get really ✨insecure✨ and overthink everything LOL like is this too long, im talking too much, i’m swearing too much, oh lord i’m a pain, all that good shit lmao so that’s fun:))

ALSO YOUR BLOG IS SO FUN TO ME HAHAK LIKE ITS JUST YOUR OWN AND I LOVE THAT!!! like you talk about everything and anything on here lol,, and i say that bc what you said lmao how if i was someone else i would want to fuck me so bad😭 i honestly don’t understand how i don’t have people lining up though..... but if no one’s gonna tell you... then you tell yourself, period (and sometimes telling yourself is fucking yourself HSHAJKS OK NEXT)

ohmigosh the realization you had that you graduated last year and are going to uni this year🤧 but the fact that you had a teacher who LEFT THE GROUP CHAT bc she was mad at y’all i- 😭 but yeah about your maths (i always wondered why you guys call it maths and the US calls it math. like i know so many people out of the states, not just in the uk that say maths) teacher- i saw this post that said online school is looking a lot like dora the explorer😭😭 “you have any questions?” 🦗 “okay bye then” lmao and please i love when tests have nothing to do with what you studied like ??? thanks? sometimes i get scared that my teacher will somehow find out that i googled everything? or like my answer is too close to the answer sheet or something. i get sooo nervous lol but i’m already past that point of not being able to do anything myself DHJS i mean i’m still learning like i said!! read the question, read the answer. boom. now i know the answer to the question and i learned!

THANKS 🙈🥰🤧 idk how else to explain my feelings LMAO i feel it’s cool that you find my dance lessons and voice lessons cool so thanks :’)

oh god not headache season 😭😭 allergies are the worst like it’s not even funny. is headache season just when the seasons are changing or is it like... all throughout the summer? cuz i love the summer lmaoo i love the winter too but i just love wearing as little clothes as possible LMAO

GIRL IF THAT BIRD DONT STOP CHIRPING- i am 100% convinced that it is the same bird trying to give you headaches and no sleep and it needs to stfu 😤 and pLEASE ur theme is adorable and pretty and cute but also it just feels like you? idk if i’m explaining this right or if it’s bc i’ve been talking to you for a bit but it’s cute but not innocent in a way that i’m surprised that you write smut and- yeah, that didn’t make sense!! but ur new theme is gonna look pretty too and as long as you like it, it’ll be amazing🥰

yessssss the fact that megan is gonna be ur pfp YES JUST YES

edit: ok i just need to 🥺😭 sometimes u make me wanna cry cuz i feel like you’re just a kind person. i truly mean this, the fact that you celebrate yours & others stretch marks makes me so 🥺🥺🥺 i honestly don’t know anyone who has said they want need more stretch marks and it’s just all very lovely to me :’)) OKAY IMMA STOP BEING SAPPY

#yes my fake tags are back #by popular demand #aka me #and look i have actual tags this time! #i’m seriously craving water ice rn....... huh #but it’s past midnight and i fr fr want a snack #aw man #i wrote that last paragraph while doing my tags yes #and i hope you become responsible for that anon’s orgasm #assuming they had one #and i saw your response to the tom thing and yeaa when they only look like that for something and it’s like aw bae be yourself #i’m gonna shut up now and find a snack but goodnight!! morning?? IDK #IF THESE TAGS END UP AS ACTUAL TAGS I AM SO SORRY HAHAHA #alright proofreading done and i’m gonna go eat cereal

okay i‘m on my way to a driving lesson rn and afterwards i have a zoom uni thing, and then another uni thing lmao. but hopefully i can reply to this in between because i‘ve been dying to talk to you since i got this ask dldjds💘💘💘 (i really like this heart. i had a 💖 phase for a while and now it‘s 💘 (seems like a very romantic heart but.... it is what it is idk dkddj)

^okay that was literally all i wrote before my lesson lmfao. just had the worst driving lesson ever dbdvsnylkxsksj i think i‘ve gotten too used to being good at driving and now i‘ve gotten too cocky with it 🥴 anyway i‘ve had such a stressful day and overall week but tbh i‘m already feeling better bc i can (indirectly) talk to you <333

omg i went to chloe or halle (i don‘t remember who out of the two)‘s instagram the other day and found out that they are not twins alejeleksjsksj but yes oh my god their voices are literally angelic and i can‘t wait to see Halle as Ariel (Arielle??)🥰 and omg it‘s literally 2021 and we‘ve only had......... one(?) black Disney Princess like it‘s about fucking time (I might be forgetting someone, I‘m not too familiar with the new Disney films, but as far as I remember there‘s only Tiana right? (who is literally a frog for 3/4 of the film 😭😭) so yes i‘m here for it too😌😌😌 (obviously she‘s not a cartoon like tiana ekdlek but she‘s a disney princess you know what i mean ddkjdh)

pfkejdj i‘m already overwhelmed with my parents i can‘t imagine having siblings too 😭😭 (sometimes i wish i had siblings but then other times (like after reading what you wrote dksjj) i‘m glad that i‘m an only child lmao like your brothers being mean to you and i remember when you cried and he was just like 👁👄👁 ok. like i’m totally okay being an only child sksjsj———and he doesn‘t listen to music 🤧🤧🤧 (although i guess that‘s good for you because at least he can‘t annoy you by listening to loud music that you hate dmdn)

okay okay i might watch wandavision then??? I‘ll definitely let you know!!! and yes omg i‘m loving tfatws (that really is so fucking hard to type omg) but same i totally get what you mean, i‘m not used to watching action series at all and every episode so far has been like a little movie so i‘m glad that i didn‘t wait until it was all out cause there’s no way i could binge watch that lol) and yes last episode was really intense. i‘m glad that marvel are talking about racism because (from what i‘ve seen) they haven‘t been the best in that department, and i‘m really curious to see what they‘ll do in the next episodes (curious isn‘t the right word but excited isn‘t the right wort either, like i‘m excited but in a neutral way ? i‘ll shut up dslsksj i hate that german has so many words that you cant translate because theres a really good german word that describes how i’m feeling but i cant think of a good translation ugh)

okay i absolutely need to watch lion king (and part 2 and 1/ 1/2 dksksj) AND hamilton, i might even do it soon 👀

BURGERS AT THE CINEMA? EBEEISNDBEKSK i‘ll come to the US just to go and watch a movie lmaooo, i think all the popcorn sizes and drinks are bigger as well, i‘ll come and watch chaos walking with you 😌😌 does next week work?

and yeah i‘ve seen posts with specific time stamps and trigger warning for cherry too so if you haven’t looked on tumblr yet i’ve def seen some! (but ive also seen some on twitter and yeah- i mean idk youve probably looked on tumblr but yeah- then there’s also imdb which doesn’t have time stamps i believe but quite specific warnings, mostly without spoilers!)

Tbh i don‘t think i would have even considered watching cherry if tom wasn‘t in it... (i’m personally fine with most of the triggering topics/things like for some reason i’m just stoic when i’m watching the most tragic films ever dldldldlbut the plot just... idk if it‘s for me you know? just entertainment wise?).... and even with tom in it i‘m unsure skeldls, i‘d totally get if you decide not to watch it but let me know if you do i‘d want to hear your thoughts! <3

SKSLSJJ my sims both finally graduated!! i think i played sometime last week, and i literally got the achievement/notification that i‘d been playing with this household for 24hours.... and that was BEFORE they graduated dldjdldkdksjjs

oh no my tumblr broke and three paragraphs of me talking about sims were deleted 😭😭😭

WAIT NO I TOOK SCREENSHOTSSKSK because i couldn’t press save so i knew they might be gone okay okay okay i‘m a genius

*move out

oh no idk if the quality is too bad to read... idk how good your eyes are dkdkdjjd (also sometimes it will be really bad quality for some but not for others so i hope that the you can see the pics in a normal/good quality)

Okay let me continue

OMG THE ROMANTIC AND SEXUAL STUFF IS THE BEST PART ABOUT THE SIMS DIDLDKJIkdkj i kind of miss how in the sims 3 they would be making out basically lying on top of each other if they were on a bed— but in sims 4 when they‘re sitting next to each other and everything that‘s definitely hot too 😌😭 or with hot tubs dkdkdk how one sim climbs on the other sim‘s lap before they woohoo (i used to make them skinny dip in the hot tub and then make out and woohoo so they’re like naked on top of each other even if you can‘t see anything- en e waysss)

Dkdkdkdj so @ Rindfleischet.. blah bla. so it‘s basically just loads of individual words put together/connected and that‘s a really big part of german. so yesterday i had an online Einführungsveranstaltung for uni (like it was a zoom meeting where they just talked about general stuff about the uni and i was really anxious before, idk why, but it turned out absolutely fine so) and that words consists of the two words Einführung (introduction) and Veranstaltung (event) which are also two individual words but you can make a new word (Einführungsveranstaltung, so in english that‘s basically “introduction event“ lmao) by combining those two words. there are obviously some rules like you can‘t just combine random words in a random order but you can basically make infinite words (technically). for example (i feel like i‘m teaching a class just skip this if you don’t care 🙃🙃🙃djdjdkdlns)

for example i could say Einführungsveranstaltungsteilnehmer (which is not underlined with red by tumblr because it is a grammatically correct compound word (i think that‘s what they‘re called?)) which is the words introduction + event + participant, so that word just means “participant of an introductory event“ but instead it‘s one word? i hope that makes sense? dkdkkdksks i mean it makes sense in german but idk if it makes sense to you cause idk if i‘m explaining it very well lmao,

(I just deleted a really really long paragraph that i wrote about gender in the german language and grammar, you‘re welcome slsksksj)

my capacity to think has now been used up for the week 🥴🥴🥴 i absolutely do not blame you if you just skipped over that part or can‘t be bothered to (re)read my awful explanation edkflsksjdjdj (again, i had double the amount of words but i just deleted it dkdkdlslsl but what‘s left lf my german lesson is probably confusing enough already😭i‘m sorry🥴)

so to answer your question LEJDKSKJ: it‘s really common to have long words in german, words that are just word+ word+ word + word made into one long word. obv rindfleischetikettierung..... is a very extreme example and it‘s normally just 2-4 words made into one! So yup i think that comes mostly from german and talking german and growing up here and going to school here and everything dmdfnsksx

i think the best part about these is the chaos yet we understand what the other means 😌— YES. YES. Yes. I love that about us 😌😌🥰🥰/ I love us. Yes.

okay but your friend changing her mom‘s name into tom‘s mum‘s name (was that right? Dkdkdjh)—— so Justin Bieber once posted something where you could see that his Dad‘s number was saved as „Daddy Cakes“ (which, thinking back, sounds very weird ekejjej) and till this day I have my Dad’s contact name as Tata (which is serbian for Dad lmao), “Tata🍰“ in my phone because of it 😭😭😭😭🙃🙃🙃 it‘s not because of justin anymore like i‘ve just gotten used to it by now but at first i did it because of justin lol........ but nowadays i don‘t think i‘m THAT type of fan of anyone- like you know how people have fandom names (Justin‘s fans are the Beliebers, One Direction fans are Directioners (writing that hurt my soul💔💔💔)) and I wouldn‘t consider myself a fan of anyone like that. like even with tom i wouldn‘t call myself........ does tom even have a name for his fans??? Well if he does, I wouldn‘t call myself that. Like i used to be such a hardcore stan for any celebrity that i liked and now it‘s just... okay, i like em. (She says on her blog where she writes fan fiction about Tom Holland — WJDJEJDKELSKSKKSNSNDXB🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃)

Omg rex orange county!!!!!! I don‘t know that many songs like I‘ve only listened to the album pony, but i love it 💘💘💘💘💘💘💘💘

thanks again for what you said about my fics/writing I‘m🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

Pete Davidson Pete Davidson Pete Davidson I‘m-🥰🥰🥰🥰 and I can‘t explain why. But as blissfulparker said the other day (i don‘t want to tag her and make her read through all of this lolll) “I like my men when they look like they are on the brink of death 😍“ (or something along the lines of that) eskkejs okay pete isn‘t that bad, he looks quite good on some days but other days you‘re like... is this man alive? Like i don‘t want to be mean I love Pete so much The King of Staten Island is literally my favourite film ever (although it‘s not my #1 because of how he looks, but i mean he does look good) VUT ALSO

(Okay i was gonna look for a terrible picture of him but he really doesn‘t look as bad as people say??? like. i think he‘s hot. can‘t necessarily explain why. so that‘s that on that.)

i‘m not going chronologically right now (i just keep scrolling up to your ask and replying to whatever i see first sksksksh) so i might miss a thing or two that you said

Okay Stormzy, you really really don‘t have to dkdkdjd like i think you said you don‘t really listen to rap, and uk rap is a whole nother thing from us rap because of the accent i feel like??? (That sentence did not make sense) BUT if you‘re looking for a few songs that aren‘t like RAP rap, then I‘d recommend One Second (feat HER), Superheroes, Own it (which you might know?), ummm maybe the song Lessons?, he has a ton of Lion King references by the way dkdjdj for example in Rachael‘s Little Brother but that‘s like more RAP again if you know what I mean?😭 and it‘s also like 5 Minutes long and tbh i only started liking that song a year after that album came out lmao but Rachael‘s Little Brother is possibly my fav Stormzy song, then there is Shut Up which you absolutely need to listen to just for fun dldjdjd like it‘s just pure fun and also a little funny lmao, especially if you‘re not British (i imagine so at least) cause he‘s like shuTTTT up idk dldkdjdldkjdhdhfjfbfldlsksksks

Vossi Bop is one of his classics, and then maybeee - ok so there‘s Blinded By Your Grace Pt. 2 lmaoobdjsj it‘s very (Christian/) religious but i like it a lot even though i‘m not really Christian (at least not practicing or anything) so idk about your views on religion but i do like the song a lot just by like the sound lmao

Okay so again you absolutely DO NOT have to listen to any, especially not for me dlskdj but I really do recommend the songs Superheroes, One Second and Rachael‘s Little Brother (and all the other ones i mentioned but if you don‘t listen to a lot of his songs you should at least give these three a try <3333) also let me know some of your songs? 🥺 like i dont care who they‘re by but i‘d love to listen to some that you like and Recommend 🥰🥰🥰

Okay so skdjdjdjddhhddhdhjsk... I used to watch all of my series in German (like H2O) bc obviously they were on german tv so they were german- and i knew that most of these actors i saw on tv were american and i was always SO fascinated that they all learned german for this show??? Like I actually thought they were the people‘s real voices and that these English and American actors were learning german so they could re-record the whole ass show and do everything in german dkdkdldjdjjd... i swear I thought that until I was like 14 omg. And then the first time that I watched H2O in the original version i was sooo confused about their accents because to me all actors who spoke english were American?? I mean MOST of those shows are American so I wasn‘t completely off but yeah i was definitely caught off guard when I heard all of their Australian accents for the first time 💀💀😭😭😭

@ math vs maths, math actually makes more sense in my opinion. like you have the word mathematics, then the abbreviation would obviously be math... why would English people randomly add the s from the end??? Or maybe it makes more sense after all because it‘s like plural??? Now I‘m unsure dkdkdkdj but i do say maths because that‘s how i was taught to say it and i hear the word maths more than math but yeah dldkdjs i think math might even make more sense (okay i just tried saying math and maths is easier to pronounce but again tjat might just be me, oh god i‘ll stop talking about that disgusting thing (mathematics).)

not the crickets and dora LMAOOOSNSNSMDNBS yeah that teacher was... a lot. a lot a lot a lot didjjd but she kinda liked me so she always gave me good grades/marks but the people she didn‘t like..... ooft. OOF.

Fksksjsj idek about headache season like i just know that i get headaches from the sun and i‘m allergic to only one.. type of...pollen??? (I don’t understand the science of that whole pollen thing and idek if it’s called pollen in english i just know sex pollen from fan fics😔)and yeah we have this weird wind that makes a lot of people get headaches yeahd dkdkdj. i loved the i just love wearing as little clothes as possible LMAO lllioool i love that i really do. i always struggle so much in the summer cause i never have anything to wear. i feel like i buy so many new summer clothes every year but when i end up looking for an outfit i don‘t ever find anything 😭 (so i just go naked— lmao jk jk) but i‘m generally not the biggest fan of summer so-

OMG THIS FUCKING BIRD ISTG, okay the first time i heard it i went to sleep at like 5 am, so the next day i was like let me go to bed earlier so the bird doesn‘t keep me up, so i went to bed at 4 am (🥲) and THE BIRD JUST STARTED FUCKING CHIRPING SO LOUDLY, so the next day i went to bed at 3 am AND IT FUCKING STARTED AT 3 AM and it‘s still there 😁 every. night.

and since you said you‘ve gotten used to my theme and everything (idk where this transition came from😭) so tomorrow (2nd april) we have our... wait what‘s an anniversary but for a month.? I think month is like mensus in latin OK NO THATS DEF WRONG DKDKDJ wait

So Tomorrow is our... mensiversary💘💘💘💘💘💘 or at least from the first time you sent an ask. i couldn‘t find it on my tumblr anymore because tumblr is a bit of a bitch but i remember the first thing you ever sent (in an ask) was something lovely about my writing and i always take screenshots of stuff like that, and i found it in my gallery. and i took that screenshot of your ask on the 2nd of march so i‘m assuming that‘s when you sent it 🥰🥰 i feel like i‘ve known you for a week not a month like how is it a month already????? (i mean this in a good way lmao but i really can’t believe that its been a month wtf)

omg no you make me want to cry because i just love you so much 😭😭🥺 but about the stretch mark thing it‘s just.. it‘s not even me trying to empower other women (or anyone else who has stretch marks) to shake off these dumb insecurities that the patriarchy and capitalism have instilled in us— ok no it‘s definitely that too lmao. But i mean I‘ve always loved stretch marks, i‘ve just always loved loved loved them so much so it makes me genuinely sad that people don‘t like them. so yeah. i dont really know how to explain it lol, like i‘m not (only) hoping that people realise that hating your stretch marks is giving the men and the patriarchy what they want per se- (that made no sense) it‘s just because i love stretch marks and think they‘re beautiful and also sexy. idk dldkdjls and omg the fact that you called me kind 🥺🥺🥺 like i don‘t really have a goal in life or anything, but if i had to choose a ‘goal‘ in life it would just be to be kind. (i‘ll end this here otherwise i‘m gonna talk about being kind for 30 more lines—)

And please. Do not ever feel like you‘re annoying me or sending too much. never ever ever. I get so happy when i see that you‘ve sent me an ask. No matter if it‘s a long one like this or just a short one where you‘re saying something about a post that i reblogged or something. I love hearing from/about you and talking to you 💘💘💘💘💘💘💘💘

P.S: i‘m so sorry for the tags you‘re about to read they make even less sense than this post, also i reached the tag limit dkdkdj but i said some butterfly tattoos look tacky... and the next thing i said was since we‘re already speaking about Ariana- I DID NOT MEAN THAT SHE WAS TACKY dldkdjsj, i meant since you already mentioned some of her tattoos lmao

#lovely anon #<3 #ALSO I LOVE YOUR TAGS SM DKDJDKDL #i definitely (accidentally) didn‘t say something about every single thing you said #but this is so long already and i don‘t want to force you to read even more of my shite dldkdjsj #(i dont day shite i say shit but sometimes shite sound funnier) #*say #omg its too mate to speak english what i meant was i‘m sire i forgot to adress some of the things you said but i tried my best iwjwskb #omg adress (address? lmao) sounds so negative i mean i‘m sure i forgot to reply to some things- also *late not mate loool #omg ignore my whole german lesson i cant believe i actually wrote all of that wtf #but it took me like 20 minutes so i don‘t want to delete it 😭 #and omg i hope you got to re do everything that your sims game didnt save and that it all worked out the same #😭 #I NEARLY DELETED THIS ASK WITJ MY ANSWER OH MYFUCKING GOD MY FUCKING HEART #also i realised i didnt say anything at all about uni but i dont have any news like that Einführungsveranstaltung (😭) I went to was literall #just about schedules and credits and boring stuff mostly lmao #oh and tattoos!!!! it sucks that you might not be able to get the ones that you want/get any :((((( but hopefully you can at least get some #that arent in colour? 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼 #so my parents aren‘t that supportive either like they most definitely wouldnt pay for it (even though they pay for a lot of my stuff lmao) #but i think in the end they know that i‘m old enough and they can‘t stop me and they‘d accept it one day so they‘re definitely not THAT bad #maybe your parents will change their mind over time? :( #or maybe youll just get one one day and ig theyll have to get used to it lol #so i want a butterfly (thats the only thing that i‘m sure about) and there are a lot of butterfly tattoos that look really tacky #but speaking of her i actually really like ariana‘s butterfly! but idk if i want that much shading- i have a whole album with like 35 photos #of just butterfly tattoos lol- i‘ll stop here tho. ldkdkd #omg im rereading this all and it‘s so messy good luck dkdkkddl #my tags got messed up and idk how to fix it #wait did i reach the tag limit and you cant even see half of these? 😭😭😭 #i‘m so confused about these tags why are they not in the correct order? 😭😭😭 ily snd i‘m so sorry for dropping this post on you none of it #none of it makes sense.

[oscillia]

There it is! Took me one whole week to finalize this arrangement only coz I wanna maximize the probability that I would be able to learn to play it lol I always find it kinda sad coz its been 6 years since I touched my guitar for the 1st time, but I'm still stuck at beginner level. Only bcs I just didn't have the incentive to practice cos school work was already so hard for my high school and university years. But twoset just gave me the incentive! So I started with ukulele in recent months and, weeks ago during the summer break, I went home, dug out my guitar, and finally began practicing properly, for the first time in like three years or so. I really wish I could practice at least 30min to 1hr throughout this summerbreak (lets not look forward to whatever will happen afterwards lol). Not making any promises if I'll properly learn this piece in x month's time but, I'll definitely try my best to practice it! #twosetviolin #breddy #guitarcover https://www.instagram.com/p/CSBj89zoPFR0mpgsmE6S6dr25L-bCDe5_f1zUs0/?utm_medium=tumblr

#twosetviolin #breddy #guitarcover