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furiousgoldfish · 5 months

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Speaking from a bad place, so bear with me. Has anyone thought about how being important or special to other people is based just on the people closest to you?

We regard strangers as people who are fairly irrelevant to us, because they have little to no impact to our life, and their lives and struggles won't generally touch us. In contrast, lives of people directly around us have a great impact on us, and they decide our relevancy. We give them roles in our lives, like friends, mentors, partners, lovers, caretakers, and in that regard they're special to us, irreplaceable. We also want to have an equally strong meaning in their life, to have a warm place in their heart and respect in their minds, as they do for us.

When people around us who hold great relevancy for us, also give us that same relevancy back, we feel important, we know we're special to them. That our role in their life shapes their experience, gives them gratitude and they've accepted us as someone they want and need around.

In contrast to that, when people in our life refuse to give us that same respect, warmth and relevancy, then we wonder what is wrong with us. What is missing so we can't be appreciated and regarded with the same love and respect that we show to them. Lack of mutuality makes us sink down with insecurity, self doubt and deep feeling that we're not enough, that we've done something wrong, not to deserve the same that we give to others.

And it also works out the same in isolation, if you have no one close to you, no one who has your well being in mind or cares for what becomes of you, it feels like you're important to no one, like you are not special whatsoever, even like you could be disposable if nobody cares at all.

But none of that is based on what's inside of us, who we are or how much love and good we are capable of giving and showing. It's nothing even related to our behaviour and actions, you could put anyone in these situations and results would be generally similar; person who is not experiencing reciprocity, or is left to fend for themselves alone, will lose the feeling that they're important or special in any way.

Isn't that weird? That we can end up judging our own worth based on nothing we did, or nothing we are, just based on how people around us are treating us, or whether we have anyone around us at all. In our essence we didn't change at all, it's just who is or isn't around, that determines our worth.

If we're put in a group of people who want to create bonds based on good things they see in us, we'll become able of seeing that good in ourselves. If we're surrounded by people who all feel the same as we do, act on the same moral code, readily reciprocate respect and warmth that we show to them, we won't feel like anything is wrong with us. We'll feel at home.

And since this is so intrinsic to being a person, to long for this and only feel relevant, safe and cared for in these circumstances, isn't it natural that we all deserve that? To be surrounded by people who make us feel like nothing is wrong with us, and like we're at home? Who help us focus on everything good in us, and give us no reasons to believe that we should be rejected or banished at all? Since abuse did the absolute opposite, and forced us to believe there's only reasons for abandonment, hatred and contempt, I believe being in the environment where people see many reasons to want us in their lives, would heal us.

#healing from abuse #abuse recovery #trauma recovery #emotional abuse recovery #abuse healing #i know i wrote this seemingly positive post but in reality i am so bitter #because i know people will sometimes see a reason to want me and often it's just opportunistic #because i'm trained to not make problems and to be pleasing and useful and whatnot #but even then #even then the fact that i was abused and have consequences of that in me will be enough #for them to back out and decide i'm not worth the effort #because to be close to me would mean to acknowledge abuse and that it's real and happening #and has massive consequences #and this is just too much for anyone to contemplate accepting #and it's easier to just back away and decide i'm an abomination or whatever #whatever they see in me is never enough to face difficult concepts of abuse and recovery #and i'm tired of being seen as a nuisance because of something i didn't do and i didn't cause #i had zero control over where i was born or what was done to me there #but it's a reason to abandon me #i don't know where my group of people is :(

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not-poignant · 5 months

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Daily excerpt from Underline the Blue 10:

'Nate,' Temsen said softly, 'you've been taught by your alpha that things have to go a certain way, but if that certain way was going to magically turn you into what he thinks you should be, then it would have worked by now. I know this situation is extremely hard for you, but will you try it our way for a little while? We have no protocol in place that would ever make us give you to a meaner alpha. We just don't work that way. Christian's no idiot, he could have chosen any rehabilitation centre for you, he chose Hillview. He must have been able to see for himself that it was going to be different here.' Nate didn't take his face away from Janusz' belly and felt like a child. 'You said I'm traumatising Janusz,' Nate said weakly. 'No, sweetheart,' Janusz said. 'It's not like that. The situation is difficult.' 'I don't want to be difficult. And I talk back too much. And I'm too mean. I don't respect anyone's authority enough. Maybe you don't have anyone mean enough.' A hand resting gently on the top of his head, and Janusz' fingers scratching gently, mussing up his hair. Temsen took a breath. 'You have one job, Nate, over the next few weeks. And that job is just to...settle in. You're going to have time with Janusz, time to yourself, you'll have your own room, you can ask for things if you need them, and Janusz is going to take you out so you can explore Hillview together. The weather's still warm enough to enjoy the beach, the forests, and I think you could grow to like it here, Nate.'

#daily excerpt #underline the blue #nate prince #janusz bodanowicz #omegaverse #alpha omega #trauma recovery #emotional abuse recovery #mm romance #queer romance #hurt/comfort #whump #nate you really could grow to like it there #but he doesn't know what we know he can't read the tags that say happy ending for him sdlkfasdjfsa #sorry nate #i just want to go go visit hillview sometimes actually #and maybe just eat the food they keep making

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rumyc-nt · 3 months

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This first one came from a video i saw on tik tok so i will be using it but with my own twist and to my liking

Pt.1

Jasmine pov:

I was sitting at the table in the kitchen when i notice my fiancé Micheal from the living room turn the TV on to the news. There was an unexpected announcement that made me shake in my seat. “ ATTENTION ALL CITIZENS THERE HAS BEEN AN OUTBREAK ON SOME UNKNOWN CIRCUMSTANCES. PLEASE STAY SAFE INDOORS AND AND WATCH OUT FOR SOME SUSPICIOUS BEHAVIOURS. THANK YOU AND GOOD BYE.” “ Michael did you hear that?” Jasmine said. “ yea I did! I just need to call my family right now” Micheal walks out the kitchen. Jasmine knew he wasn’t about to call his family. She had known for weeks that he was seeing another woman. But Jasmine knew that staying with him was her only option knowing that her parents died in a plane crash a couple years ago. Jasmine only had a little job as a barista in a small coffee shop while Michael was a business owner for a computer company. So technically as long as she stayed quite she would be ok financially . But Jasmine wasn’t always okay Michael would get so mad when Jasmine talked about her parents. Michael was her first relationship, she didn’t quite know what to expect. But she did know that if she didn’t follow his rules she would be homeless on the street.

Couple minutes went by and Michael returned to the kitchen.

“ hey so we need to go to my parents right now so go pack bag or few”

“ what do you mean you heard what the TV said we have to stay indoors! Your parents live over an hour away!”

“It doesn’t matter alright now go pack your bag or stay here be yourself”

“ wow you would really leave me here alone” you say under your breath

“ what you say to me now!”

He walks over to jasmine jaw clenched pointing a finger at her. He gets up in her face towering over her making her feel nervous. He takes a breath puts his hand down and walks away

“ just do what i told you. Go pack a bag”.

Michael leaves the room to head to the bedroom. She take a moment before Breathing again till she sees him gone. Shes not sure why he just stopped mid track of yelling at her but she’s glad thats all he did.

Jasmine had packed a bag, just her bear essentials and went back downstairs to find Michael sitting at the kitchen table.

“Alright you ready to go now honey?”

Honey? Its been a long time since he called me honey something is really strange here.

“ yea I guess but Im still a little confused what is going on”

“It doesn’t matter for now lets just go”

They both locked up the house and walk to the car. Jasmine looked back at the house and just had a feeling she wasn’t coming back any time soon.

It has been about 30mins since both of them has spoke in the car. Jasmine had been looking out her window the entire time trying to figure out whats going on. When finally Michael broke the silence.

“I’m taking you to a house up the mountain Jasmine. Its next to a abandoned city so nothing can get you. I had known there was going to be an outbreak for a long time. I have a lot of connections with multiple people so i planned in advance a house for you”

Is he joking Jasmine thought what kind of outbreak is this. Jasmine has one in mind but theres no way it could be it right? Also what does he mean for a house for me why didn’t he say we or something. This is so strange.

“Michael you said we were going to your parents. Why are you telling me this now?”

“I knew you wouldn’t have gotten in the car if i told you at the house. I knew you would have made a fit about this whole thing so now you can’t get away.

I’m just trying to protect you. You have to understand.” Michael said reaching out for my long black hair. I pull away fast taking my hair out of his hands.

I felt so trapped what does he mean protect me. This whole situation is starting to scare me.

“I don’t even know what to say Michael.” Was the last thing she said.

Then they were finally driving up the mountain now and Jasmine looked out her window to see an overlook beautiful view of her city. She felt a pinch in her gut staring at the city.

Another 30 mins pasted and they finally reached this abandoned city. As they were driving through Jasmine could see all the run down houses and shops and all she could think about is what this city used to look like or if anyone important lived here?

While Jasmine continued to look at all the houses one particularly larger house than the rest of them looked different . Looked like he wasn’t suppose to be there, looked important. But she forgot about it once they finally pulled up to a little cottage just outside the city. It was cute and small with lots if plants around the cottage.

“This is the house you will be staying in now get out and go inside I’ll meet you in there in a second.”

Jasmine got out of the car and headed for the front door. She looked behind her to see Michael on the phone with somebody again, didn’t make her feel any better. Jasmine turned the knob and went in. She was greeted with a smell of flowers as it was spring time. The cottage was decorated inch by inch with lots of flowers 🌸. She liked it so she began to look around the place. There was a small kitchen one bedroom and one bathroom. The living room was the biggest room that you first saw when you walked in. Jasmine put her stuff down on the couch and just then Michael walked in with stern look on his face.

“What is it?”

“I have to go for a while. It won’t be to long so just stay put.”

“ really so now you are leaving me in this place i have never seen?? You cant do this to me I demand answers!”

“Listen your not getting any so if you want to live you do as your told”

Just then Michael rushed back out the door and drove off. Jasmine was so confused and scared but oddly felt little comfort in where she was.

If Michael wasn’t going to give her answers she would find them herself. Jasmine also can’t help but think why Michael looked a little scared?

Jasmine takes a look out the window before stepping outside the door.

“Im surrounded by forest how the fuck am i suppose to find the city??”

Even though Jasmine didn’t know the way Micheal’s car had left tire tracks pointing the direction towards the abandoned city. Jasmine starts to walk towards the city but she could not shake the fact she thought someone was watching her. It kept her on her toes but she did not stop. She was looking for answers and she would get them.

In the distance she could see the little houses and shops which gave her comfort as she was second guessing the way she was going. But as she gets closers she see Michaels car far away. He was talking to someone she couldn’t see who but he looked scared. As she walked closer Michael spotted her but she didn’t hide. Michael looked at her then back at the man then snapped back at her with a terrified look. Jasmine got confused stopped walking and looked back.

Next thing she knows is her ears going muffled and Michael running towards her as Jasmine saw what monsters were chasing after her. Michael slapped the shit out of Jasmine to get her back out of shock. She fell to the ground and immediately got back up to start running.

“MICHEAL WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT DO NOT TELL ME WHAT I THINK IT IS”

“Jasmine i don’t know how to say this but its my fault it’s all my fault! Keep running!”

They end up running towards the one particular house jasmine saw before. Went straight through the front doors and boarded it up with a thick piece of wood.

“ Michael your telling me that there are zombies out side right now! So this whole outbreak was because of you!?!”

“Jasmin-“

“NO were going to die were trapped!”

The zombies kept pushing against the doors harder and harder. Against Michael she wasn’t strong enough.

“What Are You DOing!!”

Michael was holding Jasmine out in front of him as a shield. The more jasmine would wiggle she more harder he was holding her.

“Micheal STOP It HURTS!”

They were slowly stepping up the stair backwards facing the door that would buss any moment.

Jasmine was desperate to get out of Micheals grasp. But there was nothing she could do as Micheal jolts as the doors buss open and a group of zombies start piling in towards them. Micheal was still holding Jasmine in front of him tightly. As the zombies grow closer and Micheal’s back hits the wall up the stairs the room begins to fill with Jasmine’s screams.

Jasmines thoughts:

Is this how I’m going to die!?! How could this be! How could i get myself in this situation!?! Why did i ever love him!?

Jasmine pov

I could hear Micheal whimpering behind me. Just as the zombies are getting closer and closer I feel my heart drop as i get pushed in towards the zombies. Mid push i turn towards Micheal and one of the zombies catches me. Then everything stops. Nothing happens to me as i close my eyes. I open them again and the group of about 6-7 zombies are all staring at Micheal. I saw Micheal panting scared shitless and expected the zombies to have started eating me but its like they are frozen staring at Micheal with a disgusted face on.

I felt secure in one of the zombies arms as he starts to walk outside carrying me I look back and see the rest of the zombies tearing Micheal apart. I look in front of me and next thing I know a needle is going into my arm and I blackout.

Stay tuned in for next part!!!

#hotzombies #abuse recovery #past relationship abuse #narcisstic #f/M #wholesome #hurt/comfort #pov #eyelovebanana #first post #betrayal #emotional abuse recovery

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theaofthesea · 5 months

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I feel like every month I realize something else that was really fucked up about my last relationship.

#personal #situationship #emotional abuse recovery

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bardicc-inspo · 8 months

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You know you're recovering when instead of just passing out at night and waking up from a vague nightmare, you lay there in the morning eyes closed because of a very soft and sweet dream. Not wanting to ruin the warmth you feel from it before starring the day

#emotional abuse recovery #its getting better #i iust had the sweetest dream and its not even made up its just a memory replay and it didnt make me sad or anything #bc it was only with someone i love and not my ex #ok to rb #if you rb add in the tags ur happy things

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sandramiksaauthor · 1 year

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I'M HEALING | writing and reading vlog

#youtube #healing #emotional abuse #weekly vlog #writing vlog #reading vlog #reader #writing #writer #amwriting #booktuber #writetube #authortube #writertok #booktok #emotional abuse recovery #daily life

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a-sip-of-milo · 7 months

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Abuse isn't only physical. Sometimes it is...

Shouting at them until they cry/retaliate.

Humiliating them in front of friends and family.

Refusing to let them see friends and family.

Isolating them from what's outside.

Refusing to let them have control over their own finances / keeping it all for yourself.

Belittling their looks, their personality, their thoughts, etc.

Bullying them in any way.

Purposely pushing boundaries.

Threatening them, either physically, verbally or emotionally.

Controlling what and when they eat.

Locking them in rooms so they can't escape.

Refusing to let them use the toilet/eat/sleep/etc. after or before a certain time.

Gaslighting them into questioning their own reality.

Lying to or manipulating the people around them so they look like the abuser.

Purposely breaking their belongings, especially in front of them.

Ignoring safewords/"stop"/anything that indicates they're not okay with what's happening (in general, not just in the bedroom)

Giving them zero privacy. That means going through their diaries, tracking them, attending their therapy/doctors appointments when they don't want you to.

Setting them up to fail for the sole purpose of getting to punish them.

Obvious favoritism of one child over another/the others.

All of these are things that I have personally been through. They contributed heavily to my eating disorder, my BPD, my anxiety and my depression.

#cluster b safe #cluster b #bpd #borderline #borderline personality disorder #actually bpd #actually borderline #npd safe #aspd safe #hpd safe #tw.abuse #bpd safe #emotional abuse #childhood trauma #ptsd #actually ptsd #ptsd recovery

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intersexfairy · 2 years

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hey uh. don't listen to the people who say the bullying won't matter once you get out of school. because shit. it will.

bullying is peer abuse. it's traumatizing. and while getting out of the environment helps, the hurt doesn't go away. all the things ingrained in you don't go away. just because your bullies might not be in your life doesn't mean the awful things they did to you don't matter. they are still very significant people in your life.

please don't brush it off. please treat yourself with kindness and fight for the support and safety you deserve. you are not the person your bullies thought you were. you never were. you deserve to be happy and confident, and minimizing what happened won't lead to that.

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4spooniesupport · 8 months

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nothing0fnothing · 6 months

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hey I have some lived experience personal care advice I had to learn the hard way in my adulthood after growing up with abusive neglectful narcissistic parents. Maybe it will help someone else.

The most important room in your house to be clean is your kitchen. If you only have a few spoons and a whole house of mess, spend them on getting your kitchen clean, hygienic and tidy enough to be usable.

spending money on things that last longer or work better isn't a waste of money. You don't have to use the cheapest of everything because spending is bad work out what YOU think is worth splurging on.

Always buy the best shoes you can afford. Taking care of your feet is so important for your health. If you're afab the same goes for underwear, buying one pack of good quality, good fitting cotton breathable underwear will save you so much money on feminine care supplies if you get what I'm saying.

Get your feet measured in a shoe store. Especially if you're over 25 your feet will have grown since you were 18. I spent years thinking my body was wrong because my feet ALWAYS hurt. My girlfriend suggested we measure them and I realised I was in shoes two sizes too small. For years!! I didn't even know shoes were supposed to have space in them.

a cheap bottle of washing up liquid (dish soap) costs like £1 and can be used on basically every surface. Clean your counters, toilet, sinks, bathtub or shower, oven and hob with a scrub daddy and some cheap washing up liquid. It doesn't react with other chemicals and it cleans deeply and easily. I even use it on the inside of the shower glass where it collects that crusty water residue.

When bathing with an unscented bar soap everywhere first. Then wash a second time with your scented soap. The scented liquid soap isn't designed to clean you it's designed to make you smell beautiful.

Don't use scented soaps on your kitty. Don't use femfresh or other feminine washes on your kitty. Don't use feminine wipes on your kitty. You use your unscented bar soap you use on the rest of your bodh on your kitty once a day. That's all it needs.

You don't need sewing skills to mend things. A £5 sewing kit you keep somewhere in your house and maybe a 2 minute YouTube tutorial is all you need to fix holes in your clothes and make them last longer.

Cereal for breakfast is quick and convenient but aim to eat protein for your first meal. Things like eggs, meat, a protein shake, Greek yogurt. You'll feel fuller for longer and your body will appreciate it.

most things don't need to be ironed. For the things that need creases out a steamer is better for the fibres and easier to use. Simply hang up the item and hold the steamer against the creases.

#cptsd recovery #abuse recovery #trauma recovery #recovery #ptsd recovery #mental wellbeing #mental wellness #dysfunctional household #self care tips #self compassion #self healing #personal growth #self acceptance #mental health #emotional health #therapy

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loveyourlovelysoul · 9 months

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The fact that you fear not being enough, not being able to get what you want, not feeling able to get where you want, that you feel so insecure about yourself is probably not just related with your childhood but also with past friendships or any other type of relationship that didn't end well or in which you weren't treated correctly. You were probably left out from group activities and jokes or not invited to places; you were made to believe you were very important but at the same time you were kept hidden and later you were left alone and forgotten as something of not great value; you were probably easily judged as uninterested because of your decisions or behaviours without asking for further reasons...

I know all these experiences (and many more than these ofc) hit you deep and now are rooted inside of you as a confirmation of your unworthiness and unlovability but it was not your fault. Or at least not just because of your decisions or behaviour (of which not everyone has the empathy to understand or even guess/imagine the reasons, if you don't talk about it): in relationships there are always at least two people involved. And when one of them moves away or leaves you out of their life without asking for or giving an explanation, it's a relationship that is already crumbling (and it's best if it ended this way, even if it pains you because you felt guilty about it). When there's not communication nor interest in the other and in their feelings, despite how strong and indipendent they may look, despite how far they may have moved, a relationship is already ended.

It's not about your worth or lovability, which you possess just because you're alive. It's just about people's decisions, it's about lives taking different turns, it's about the fact that some relationships just need to end or evolve into something different that is not a deep friendship anymore (if you both agree ofc). It's about people growing and changing, and following their own path. Keep going on onto yours so to find new friends and even lovers if you want (cause you will anyway: life is made of cycles, as you had friends in the past, you'll have friends in the future; as you didn't have good friends in the past you will have good friends in the future. It's all about you, you can change your life at any given minute. Take your time to understand your emotions and process them but then let the past go, heal and move on to something new -and even better, seen how you were treated).

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