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codfanficedits · 7 months

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Final tribute

If you're looking for a sign to stay alive, this is it.

Pairing: Simon 'Ghost' Riley x fem!Reader

Summary: Suicide.

Wordcount: 4968| Rating: E (18+ only!)

Warnings: SUICIDE, mentioning of self-harm, mentioning of shoplifting, mentioning of a fucked up childhood.

A/N: Today (third of November) marks the 9 years anniversary of my best friend killing herself. It has taken me years to come over the guilt, and even 9 years later I still wonder if I could've prevented this. But I couldn't and she is gone. In a way I hope she'll live forever through me and my stories. We were teenagers, having to cope with shit that adults couldn't even cope with. I love you and even though you'll always stay 19 you're still my best friend. Until we meet again. A/N 2: If you're struggling yourself. Please know that life will be worth it, the sun will shine on you too one day, and you'll find the joy in life once more. I've struggled with suicidality and sometimes I still do. But. It. gets. better. I promise.

The silence lingers in the air as he sits on the chair next to your bed. You’re sleeping, getting some much deserved rest, but he can’t help but be angry at you. Angry for attempting, angry for not sharing what was going through your mind, angry at the professionals, for just letting you go again. But his anger gets replaced by guilt as he watches you sleep. Because if you were to die, it would’ve been his fault, at least to Simon.

Except that it wasn’t his fault. You just weren’t made for life and you knew it. Depression had been weighing you down since your teenage years, following you like a ball and chain into adulthood. No matter how much you tried, how hard you tried to fight it, it was a losing battle. A cruel dance with fate. Simon’s eyes wander around the self-harm scars that cover your body, a reminder of your battle, a reminder of every time your mind won the battle against your will to live.

As Simon’s guilt deepens, tears fall from his eyes. You always used to tell him “a cry a deep keeps the demons away.” So, he cried. You had always used your humour as a shield to cope, as a shield to keep people out of the dark abyss of your mind. No one would suspect a thing if you just kept joking about it.

It was a painful realisation – the guilt, but also the truth in those words. It was what he missed most about you, your smile, your warmth, your kindness. He misses your wisdom the most. Maybe if he had tried to understand you more, none of this would be happening. His heart ached with regret and longing.

Simon felt lost. He remembered your humour, but he could never make the thoughts leave his head. How you were always so lively and funny, but had suffered in silence for so long.

This had worried you the most. Not the dying alone part, you had made peace with dying alone a long time ago. But the failing of your plan, and how it would hurt the people around you.

He knew you hadn’t meant to hurt him, but he didn’t think he could find the way to forgive you yet. As for himself, he felt he could never forgive himself for not noticing earlier. How close you had been to death. How far he had allowed this to go, without a single moment’s notice. Not that this would’ve changed anything for you, you would’ve done it either way. With or without him noticing. The depression that had been brewing in you for more than a decade was a ticking time bomb, being set off without anything mayor happening. But this had been a messy attempt, your mind too crowded to think properly, the pain of being alive too much to bear. So you had made mistakes, mistakes that caused your attempt to fail. Mistakes that would make you hate yourself even more. Mistakes that would be carved into your skin the moment you had the chance. Simon couldn't help but feel your attempts to hide your depression had been his fault. Had he not made you believe you had to? Or was this merely some cruel trick his mind was playing on itself? He wanted to hold your hand so badly, to feel your warmth, to tell you he loved you. But you were sleeping. His guilt consumed him. He began thinking of every moment you had been depressed, every instance he hadn't helped, every time he hadn't noticed a thing. But truth be told, you would never had let him help you, your depression had been weighing you down, pulling you under the surface while you desperately tried not to drown.

But drowning is a silent thing to do.

And you, you felt as if the whole world had to be carried on your shoulders. Professionals had failed you, and friends were not made to carry such a heavy load. So you carried it all by yourself, allowing yourself to slip under the surface of the water. Simon was terrified. The idea of you suffering in silence hurt him more than he ever imagined it would. He wanted to tell you how much you affected the lives of those around you. How he had looked up to you for your wisdom, your humour, your honesty. How you had brightened his days just by being there. He also wanted to say how sorry he was for not noticing your depression sooner. But you weren't awake. So he stayed beside your bed, waiting. Hoping. Praying that you would live.

The disappointment of being alive would wash over you soon enough, and you would have to live with that disappointment, a disappointment to yourself and your friend. Your eyes flutter as you begin to wake up, the sunlight burning through your closed eyelids, the pain you feel a reminder that you’re alive. But you don’t want to open your eyes. You can’t face reality, not yet. A wave of relief washed over Simon as he felt you stir. He was still angry, worried, confused, but he couldn't keep the smile from his face. He reached for your hand, wanting to hold on to the life he had thought he lost. Wanting to hold on to you. Wanting to let you know just how much you meant to him.

"Don't leave me again."

You can’t answer him, not yet. You have to deal with the disappointment of being alive first, before you can tend to him.

Fuck

How you wished you were dead, how you wished that you had succeeded, how you wished you had finally found your peace. You turn to your side, curling up as a ball, the sobs that leave your lips are raw, violent even. As if your soul got broken open and you can’t stop your feeling from pouring out. As Simon watched you curl up into a ball, his heart ached. He could feel your hurt, your anger, your pain, and wished he could take it away from you. And he felt you needed this, this release, this raw feeling. But he also understood how much you disliked your existence. How unfair this life had been to you. How many times you had been disappointed by it all. By other people, probably. But he hoped in the end, you would know how much he appreciated and cared for you. Your tears didn’t stop, by all means they just poured harder, more violent. Fuck, fuck, fuck! Why did you have to be alive? Your feelings turn into anger, angry at yourself for failing, for staying alive, angry at the universe for playing these cruel tricks. “Fuck, Simon.” You sob. “I can’t do this.” Simon felt his anger dissipate, replaced by worry. He couldn't see you this way. So hurt. So depressed. So angry at the world, at life. That anger had always been the first thing he thought of when he pictured you, but not like this. Not the world's anger. Your own. "Hey hey, it's alright." He sat down next to you. "We can get through this together. Just me and you, like always." And that was when, for a moment, he almost believed it.

But you can’t, you don’t want to. You had been trying to get through it, with him, without him. But you’re tired. Tired of trying not to drown when the world is pulling you under. So, so, so tired. “I don’t want to, Simon.” You whisper and your voice sounds tired, as if you’ve been up for days. “I can’t fight anymore.” "Stop." he whispered, his heart aching. This wasn't the reality he wanted to admit, but it was one that was hard to deny. "Please, can't you see how many people care about you? I'm not talking about friends and family, I'm talking about me. Don't you think seeing you like this hurts me?" He knew you were tired. He knew you wanted to just disappear from the world of pain and suffering. And so he tried one last time. "Don't disappoint me." You squeeze his hand, to the point that your own hand starts to hurt from the power. You could see the pain in his face. The pain you had caused. And the guilt hit you like a ton of bricks. You feel so selfish, like you always have been.

“I’m so sorry for putting you through this.” "Stop... stop apologizing." He felt you squeeze his hand, and took it as a sign of hope. Perhaps there was still a chance, even at your lowest, to fight for life. "I'm your friend. I'll always fight with you, even when you can't fight anymore. Especially then. Maybe we can learn how to fight this together." He hoped it wasn't too far gone. He didn't want to lose you to the darkness. But what would you do if it wasn’t apologizing? It was all you did. Apologizing for existing, apologizing for not being good enough, apologizing for being depressed. For being alive. You give his hand a softer squeeze. “Thank you, Simon.” You mumble. “Thank you for being here, and I’m sorry if I’ve let you down.” "You've never let me down," he whispered back. His eyes were soft, and his expression gentle. All the anger, guilt and disappointment had vanished. He was thinking of you, how hard you had tried — harder than most would. He knew this. He felt this. He couldn't blame you for wanting an escape. An escape he wished he could provide.

"Don't you see? You're the strongest person I know. You're the last person to need to apologize."

His words. No matter how kind they were. They didn't register. You understood them, they were words you could even tell to others. But those words weren't meant for you. Not to someone like you.

So you laid there, curled up in a ball, the disappointment of being alive weighing on you. But they were meant for you. They were for you. Because even when you felt broken, he saw you as strong. When you were tired, you were resilient.

"Let me come a little closer." Simon shifted closer, trying to place his hand on your arm. He wanted to hold on. He wanted to feel you. Your warmth, your touch, your comfort in his hand.

You were hurt, but he wanted to hold that warmth, hold on to you. Because it felt like a treasure to him.

"Rest," he told you. And he meant it; he wanted you to take a break. You were so tired, so full of self-destruction.

He stayed with you in that bed, even as he felt your strength slip away. He wouldn't leave you until he was sure you could fight back. You would fight back, and he would do whatever he could to help you, to make the world a more bearable place. To give the light inside your soul room to heal.

And so your first attempt ended like this. With Simon holding you.

But you were broken, broken beyond repair, and one attempt turned into two, turned into three. All while Simon's life just continued. His missions, his deployments. And there you were. Feeling like a burden again. Simon felt his heart sink with each attempt, his anger growing with each disappointment. It made him feel powerless, unable to help you get better. To show you how much the world needed you. How much he needed you. "Not again..." His voice trembled with tears, a look of desperation on his face. He wanted you to recover, but felt hopeless. He felt that maybe he had already failed you, but didn't dare think it. Because if there was a chance for you to survive... he wanted you to take it. It must've been exhausting for him too. Not knowing if a call from you was just to catch up, or if he would hear just sobs, and rambling about how you couldn't take it anymore. How he had spent hours and hours talking to you. Unable to cope with the guilt of something would've happened to you.

But he was only human, and humans can only take so much.

You look at your phone. Tears streaming down your face as you had called him. You could hear the exhaustion in his voice.

"I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing..." He sighed. "I can't take this anymore. You can't keep doing this. Can't keep hurting yourself, can't keep hurting others, can't keep hurting me."

He didn't want to shout, but for the first time his anger began to surface. He wanted to see you get better, but his hopes were dwindling. "Just... please." Simon was at a loss of words. "How can I make you feel better about all this? What do you need?"

His anger was justified. In your attempt to stay longer on this earth you were dragging him along your misery.

"I'm sorry!" You repeat again, as the tears roll down your cheeks. "I don't know Simon." You hated that you had called him, once again. He was on deployment, unable to help you.

"Can you let me go?"

Simon felt his stomach knot. "Absolutely not." He knew his anger could hurt you, but had to hold on to his hopes of saving you. Because he had promised himself he wouldn't let you escape like this.

"No. No way." He let his voice raise, his anger making him feel stronger. "I am not letting you go." He would not hurt you further, but he would also not let you give up. He had to try.

A decision was made.

And you took a deep, deep breath. "Right." You mutter. "I'm sorry, again."

You wipe away your tears. "I know you're busy. And I really don't want to bother you. But can we just talk? Talk about our time at high school?" "Always." Simon smiled softly as the knot in his stomach disappeared. He felt more hopeful now that he had gotten your attention, and felt his anger melt away. "You know you're never a bother. How I wish the only thing I had going on was to speak to you." He tried to joke, but his concern for you clouded his humour.

"Tell me the first thing that comes to mind. High school. Any memories."

A soft sigh left your lips. You could hear his concern. You could hear your heart crumble when he joked about all the things that were going on, and how you were just another add on to that pile. But you pushed it away. This phone call had to turn into a light one. One without more worries.

"Remember how we met?" You ask. "In our self-defence class. You were brand new and I was a black belt. We hit off immediately, and then it turned out we went to the same high school." A smile formed on your face. Better times.

"I remember us secretly smoking behind the building." You snicker. Simon's smile broadened, the memory coming back to him as if they were there a second ago.

"I've always wondered what would have happened if I didn't go to that class." The smile faded again, replaced by thoughtfulness, as Simon considered how different his life would have been. He likely would have never met you. "I wasn't as tough as you remember, I was just taller." He chuckled. "I remember my first day, and you told me about your past. And you asked me about my life — which I was very quiet about then. What else do you remember?" You can’t help but chuckle. "Yeah we definitely did some trauma bonding. Two people with a fucked up childhood."

You clear you throat. "I'm glad we both managed to escape our homelife."

At the mention of trauma bonding, the smile dropped from Simon's face. It was true, it was how you had bonded. And it was one of the worst ways to bond. But he knew you were still thinking about it, and didn't want to change the mood of the call. "Don't think about that," he said. "Come on now, we can't let a shitty childhood ruin our lives." He was one to talk. Running away at eighteen to join the military. You both knew that your childhood would haunt, till the end of times. But you dropped the subject. Not in the mood to ruin this phone call. "Yeah yeah." You mutter.

"I remember you sneaking out of school to shoplift a can of coke." You laugh. "I was so goddamn worried you'd get caught." "Not as worried as me." Simon laughed. "I didn't get caught, though. So my criminal record is still clean... for now." "Although it is a miracle you never got caught. I don't think I've paid for a single can of coke in my last year of high school, thanks to you."

Simon felt his spirits lift, as he recalled all the stolen sodas you and him had split. It had gotten harder to sneak them in as you went up the year grades, but you had enjoyed those stolen moments of sweetness together.

For a few moments, it was as if you were still in those high school halls. Stealing drinks, telling each other about your past, and trying to escape your family life by spending all your time together. But now you were far apart, and there were other problems in your lives. Life had changed. "God. We were idiots." You sighed. "The amount of times we skipped school just to hang in the park and smoke."

"I still don't get how we graduated." You add with a smile, the phone call was helping to take your mind off things.

"We were almost too late for our math final." "We were extremely late for our maths final," he corrected. "But it got us through, didn't it?" He chuckled nervously, thinking of how close you came on several occasions to being kicked out.

"We weren't idiots. Life was just hard." He sighed, his eyes growing softer with each word, "We just needed to find ways to escape. And somehow, we made it." He knew you were feeling better, and thought for a moment. Perhaps he did want to push you a bit, to help you heal.

Of course you remembered, life had been hard for the both of you, yet somehow he had managed better.

"Somehow we made it." You repeat. "Thanks for staying on the phone with me, Simon. I know you're busy, and I'm feeling better right now. I'll keep you updated through text, okay?" "The day you don't call me on your lowest is the day you stop being my friend." Simon tried to joke. He wanted to lighten the mood, but also make you feel wanted. It was important to him that you did not feel like a burden.

"And don't apologize. Your emotions are the most important to me... don't push them away. I just wish I could be there to hold you through it all."

"You don't have to rush." Simon added, a sense of finality to his words.

"You staying on that call meant more than you'll realise." You said. "I'll text you soon okay? Take care Simon."

You ended the call, with a soft smile. Outgoing call: 57 minutes and 26 seconds. It did you more good than you had expected.

Simon sighed. Although it had been a long call, it felt like it had gone by in a flash. He kept thinking about that joke he made, about the day you stopped calling him on your worst days. And how he didn't want that day to ever come.

He knew you had been hurt too much in your life, so he was happy to keep being with you. To keep talking, to keep lifting you up again. He thought he had succeeded, too. Maybe you wouldn't try to hurt yourself again.

"I'll talk to you later." He muttered to himself.

You did feel better. Your house got cleaner, you started going out more. No longer calling in sick to your job that often.

You snapped a pick of a sunrise, sending it to Simon. "Made me think of you." You texted before you went on with your day. A little check in to let him know you were okay. He smiled as he read the message, feeling his heart lift as he read it. It was more than just a little message to Simon. It was what he needed to see, to know you were recovering, and happy. To know that all of the time and effort he put into helping you was paying off. He wanted to tell you right now that he was proud of you, that he was happy for you. But maybe you didn't need that yet. So, he kept it to himself for now. He responded with a simple "Thanks" message.

You did it every day. Usually in the morning. Sunrises. A flower. A dog. Anything that made you happy. And he usually responded with a "Thanks." But that was enough for now.

Your therapist applauded it, and that made you happy too.

You crouched down during one of your walks. Making a picture of one of the first fungi you had spotted during her walk. You send the picture to Simon.

"First one! When is your next deployment?"

Simon was glad for the daily pictures, and did his best to keep it up. He wanted you to feel like you were important to him, so he had to try and be more attentive to your messages. He stopped in the hallway as he read your latest message.

"Uh, this weekend. For three weeks." He texted.

He wondered if he should say more, but did not want to overwhelm you. He was happy already. You were alive, and looking at flowers and fungi. You were feeling better.

Ah. Three weeks. You knew he didn't have any service while deployed. Something with safety and all that. But you didn't mind. The cold November air hit your face, and it made you feel alive. You took a deep breath, letting the crisp air fill your lungs.

"That sucks :(. I'll keep sending you the nice things I find on walks, even if you can't see them right away." You texted back.

Simon was glad you understood, and didn't want you to think he didn't care. He tried not to think about the length of the deployment, or the fact that he would likely not be able to talk to you for three weeks. But it didn't matter, because you were recovering.

"Send whatever photos you want, I won't be able to respond, but I will love looking at them." He texted. "Three weeks go by faster than you'd think. I'll be home before you know it."

You did the math. He would be gone on the first of November. And he would be back around the 22nd.

"Do you think you'll be home for Christmas? It’s been a while since we celebrated together." You texted him back.

Your text felt like a punch to the gut. It was true, it had been a while since you had celebrated Christmas together. Your last Christmas together had been two years ago, and it had been an awkward one at that.

Simon tried to put on a brave face. "I'm going to try." He texted. "If I'm lucky, I'll be back late December... maybe even early." He wondered if you would take these answers well, or if he had just made things worse.

"That's great. We'll work the details out when you're back from deployment, no worries." You texted back. There was a light spring in your step as you walked to your job. As if the weight of the world had fallen off your shoulders. "I'll text you tomorrow before you leave for your mission :)"

"Sounds good." Simon was glad to see you in high spirits again. "Talk to you soon."

You and Simon continued to exchange photos for the remainder of the week. He sent you images of training exercises, and you sent him photos of birds, and flowers. It was the highlight of both your days. On Saturday morning, the day before Simon was to depart for the mission, he sent you a voice message. He was standing in his room, as he talked.

"Hey. How are you today?" Some days you just exchanged pictures. The others you had whole conversations. But that was okay, you understood he was busy, and you didn't need his attention all of the time. You smiled when you got his voice message, it was nice to hear his voice again.

"Simon! I'm good, best I've been in a while." You answered through a voice message. "How are you? What time are you leaving?"

"I'm glad." That was always Simon's response, when he heard you were doing 'well.' He had grown to love seeing your photos, and the few conversation you had together throughout the week kept him going. He sounded excited when he spoke, and you could hear a little of the anticipation in his voice.

"Leaving in 20 minutes." He sent. "I'm feeling pretty good, to be honest. A little nervous, but I'm looking forward to the mission."

"You're a good soldier, Simon." You responded through your voice message. "Those three weeks will be over in no time, and when you're back we can go plan Christmas. In the meantime. I'll send you my daily pictures, so you have something to look at when you get back." You added in another voice message

Simon smiled when he heard you call him a good soldier. It felt nice, to be recognized. And to be seen.

He sent back one message that simply said, "Thanks."

He got ready for the mission, grabbing his gear and getting into his squad vehicle.

As he drove in quiet, he thought about planning Christmas. It felt nice, looking forward to things. Maybe you and him could go on a little trip, or do something fun together.

He was optimistic, and couldn't wait for the next three weeks to be over.

On November first you send him a picture of a sunset.

"Reminds me of you. I miss you :)"

But you got no answer, knowing he was out in a mission and had no reception.

On November second you send him a picture of a dandelion, a cat, and the moon.

"Even though we're apart we're looking at the same moon."

And again you got no answer, but you knew he had no reception.

On November third you send him a selfie, a smile on your face.

"I will miss you Simon. Take care. I will always love you. You've been a great friend. You've been my best friend."

On November third you put your phone back on your desk before you left your home. The walk to the train station was short. You had led them all on, but it was your time to leave.

You had held on to life as long as you could. But you were done. You were tired. You couldn't live another day, but at least he would have some good memories of you.

"I'm sorry." You mutter as you saw the train approaching.

One deep breath.

You and Simon always had a habit of sending photos to each other. Especially of the sky. Simon felt a sinking feeling come over him as he saw your last pictures. It was a beautiful sunset, but the words you chose had taken away much of its beauty.

"God damn..." He whispered as he read your message. "Is this what I think it is?" He started getting a thousand thoughts at once, all flooding through his brain.

What could he have done?

Should he have said something different?

You were going to be okay. You were getting better.

Nothing. Nothing could've been done. It wasn't his fault. It wasn't the fault of your therapist. No one was at fault.

Some people just weren't made to grow old, and you were one of them. Your depression had haunted you and had finally taken you to the dark abyss. You were finally at peace.

Simon tried to push away the thoughts of all you were going to miss. All of the life you were going to miss. He could not believe it. He simply couldn't. The person he tried to cheer up, was gone. It wasn't his fault. It wasn't his fault... He kept repeating that to himself, but deep inside he knew that had always been true. He had done all he could. All he had been able to. And that would never be enough to make you stay. Simon's eyes were growing red, but he tried to keep himself strong. It had only been hours after you died, and he was already questioning everything.

"I'll remember you." He said, to no one. He thought of all of the times he tried to help you, the pictures you sent him. The jokes. the little conversations you shared. He couldn't believe it. Simon tried to dial you, to call you, to call for an answer. But he knew that there was nothing he could do now. Nothing but hope that heaven was real. Nothing but hope that he would see you again. Nothing but hope that this was all a horrible joke, a sick nightmare.

The photos of the sunset, the cat, the moon, all lay in front of him. They looked like a cruel joke. Like reality's cruellest and sickest joke of all.

You weren't supposed to end.

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carpedzem · 3 months

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under the cut i want to talk a little bit, maybe overshare as well. ill try to keep it short (rereading nat here. i didnt). its a sad post, might make some of you angry but not for the reasons you think

i was staying away on purpose, but a few people asked about me so i wanted to let you know that hey, im lurking, im waiting to see what happens. maybe some things will change in the future but im putting it out here so its all in one place

i think i want to start with saying thank you again for sticking around, supporting my art and my thoughts and having discussions with me. i really opened up about myself and what I created here. im very anxious person and it influences my life on every level, so being heard, seeing people laughing at my jokes, loving my art has been so so important to me

about the situation, the gogcident if you will, i logged out as soon as i saw things going down and been getting updates though different source. and while situation is still on going and i dont know where it will go, as how it ends, theres two or three things im firm on that will always be true for me:

i really hate how believe all victims turns into believe everyone who speaks first, no matter what they say, no matter context, no matter proof. the first statement made in this case was untrue in a lot of important details and while i dont think caitis feeling are wrong or invalid i think her first statement made this situation into something it isnt. i think every victim should be heard but attacking everyone who was accused right away is not a solution

i do believe that everyone who was accused of anything has every right to defend themselves. the way its constantly taken away from dteam is not lost on me and its insane and upsetting

you can be traumatized by the events that werent in its core meant to be traumatizing. sometimes people act shitty and leave scars on you and sometimes you can do the same to other people

edited note bc i want this to be here as well: guilty until proven innocent is a crazy mindset and i cannot imagine situation that i would allow it. some idiots dont even realise how dangerous rhetoric that is. including accusers not being obligated to provide any proof of their claims

twt is the worst thing to deal with any discourse, misunderstanding or any delicate situation. i think no ones there cares for any victims period. i wish that place the worst

okay so what now. i havent decided yet. georges and dreams moves so far confirmed for me that no matter what happened it wasnt with malicious intentions. ill wait to see how this plays out and then ill decide about my next steps. one think i did for sure is i uninstalled twt from my phone (and that already bit my ass the moment dream started his space…) that part of fandom, both people who like (liked?) and hate dream is so damn self-destructive, toxic, manipulative and performative it wasnt worth it anymore. for here, i dont know yet. i dont hate dteam, i think this is very unfortunate and sad and complicated situation that left people very deeply hurt. and i wish it wasnt this way and im pretty sure dteam also wish that. but they cant change it and i cant change it even more

now this is something i dont really know how to tell you but let me try. i never mentioned this bc when i had those realizations, it was too late, everyone moved on and i felt stupid for dwelling on this. i feel stupid now, typing this. the thing is, drituation left me quite traumatized. fucking pathetic, i know. the sudden explosion of fandom left me really badly hurt. i lost a lot of people i genuinely believed to be friends with, and i miss them dearly. i felt, fuck it, still feel deeply betrayed by some of them. i dont want people guess who is who thats not the point, those people moved on long time ago. but that hurt has been really difficult to deal with, especially since realistically i know its quite stupid. crying over some people who were following me back for a few months? but i tried to let myself heal and grow love for this community again and i thought we will be okay. drituation felt like the end of the world but we got through it and I thought we are smarter. and well. im not trying to blame anyone or even a whole community, idk maybe i want to blame the universe for putting me here or society for working this way i dont know. but im hurting and i need to find a better way to deal with things going the wrong way. and it deeply upsets me but im afraid that i have to learn how to love you all less. and i honestly dont know yet what that means, how moving forward will look like. i dont have to make this decision now so i let myself stay away from social media for a while still and then go with presented situation the best i can. i dont try to make anyone responsible for my wellbeing i want to make this clear. im just trying to share my feelings and give you context for whatever happen in the nearest future. no matter what i need more healthy relationship not even with ccs but with community itself (and if you see me rebloging hazbin hotel fanarts. spare me...)

in this place i do want to state that no matter what i dont think dteam are bad people. im not closing myself at possibility of participating in the fandom, probably less though things i mentioned earlier. but if any of those things make you uncomfortable in any way, feel free to unfollow/softblock

im leaving my askbox open if anyone has anything to say, add, or idk, scream at me. not sure if i answer any tho. also if i delete this post in the next 10 minutes out of embarrassment then well, haha

on the final note i want once again thank you all for supporting me when i needed help for my cat. you all did something amazing, something i will never forget and i wish to hug everyone of you in person. thank you

see you around. one day. maybe tomorrow maybe in 10 days. idk

and if you are moving on in different direction, if we ever meet again, dont be a stranger

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trash-gremlin · 6 months

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VHS Christmas Carols Spoilers

a bunch of my favourite parts and reactions in the VHS Christmas Carols bc i think it needs more love (its incredible btw and definitely worth the money)

i will never get over curts acting choices for this line, the little laugh before saying it and his FACE OH MY GOSH HIS ACTINGGGGGG

maybe the real gift was the love we had for each other and the sacrifices we were willing to make to make the other one happy

these three and their vogue-esque gay ass little song is the only thing that matters to me

it took me forever to turn that into a gif so i hope you enjoy it as much as i do

their reactions to the match girl showing up + brian mouthing "what the"

again laurens reaction to the match girl

ugh ATE

smth i only noticed on like the third rewatch - you can see scrooge holding and inspecting the watch he bought off jim when he bumps into the match girl

this is here bc they all look very good in that lighting especially lauren

embarrassing to admit it took me until here to realise that the match girl died

ajs little smile makes it feel like scrooge is taunting bob here and i love ittttt especially as hes calling him bobby

THIS

the ghost of christmas past jumping rope + scrooge being confused and doing it too

meredith lighting the ghost of christmas past's cigarette

scrooge basically begs his younger self in this scene, i absolutely love ajs choices in this show as scrooge. also i am such a huge fan of this casting not only because they are both phenomenal actors that i will never shut up about but they genuinely look similar and it works very well in this context

scrooge honey you cant fight the christmas electricity

HUGE dad energy

the top of his tiny tim shirt poking out + he looks really good here

funny little thing i noticed - his shirt isnt buttoned, just folded over itself. in the actual show you can see him tuck it under his jacket those quick changes must be killing them

the way he begs them and they dont even react.. paired with the music and this is horror movie level stuff

he got his watch back :,)

no im not crying, i have allergies... yea im allergic to being sad

i went back and made it a gif bc LOOK. LOOK AT HIS ACTING OH MY GOD. IF YOU COULD HEAR THE WAY HE SAID IT YOUD BE JUST AS INSANE AS ME HOLY SHITTTTTTT

this show is incredible go rent it right now if you havnt seen it, go rent it again if you have, and sacrifice all of your money and worldly possessions to starkid thank you and goodnight

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hestiviea · 4 months

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swap au but i can't draw

I hate when they de-age Matthew just so he can be in knives role, I hate when swapaus just change the characters and their names instead of making an actual AU of what happens when the other character's events

to me, I don't want Scott to be the one skating around Ramona's headspace

I don't want Envy to be in gideons role or add two other characters to fill in the katayanagi twin's roles

I want AUS to be its own, not some kind of copy-and-paste from the source material

My swap AU is closer to the actual source

In my swap AU,

Ramona is still skating around Scott's head space but she is the one who gets obsessed instead of Scott, Scott works as a pizza delivery man

Scott in this AU is still an autistic nerd but is clueless about everything around him, he's just keeping a cool head in comparison to the source materials, he's still the bassist of Sex Bob-Omb but doesn't reveal that to Ramona yet cause he temporarily quit after Gideon became their producer

the seven evil exes are not Ramona's version of Scott's friends cause fuck that, instead the 'seven evil exes' are more just exes that are not evil and overly obsessed with Ramona cause Gideon ain't there to join forces with them

(In my head, Gideon is the reason why most of the league even took revenge on Ramona, since he was the one that said it, katayanagi twins just followed with it cause damn do they have it rough, despite not being evil, Lucas also went with it, todd is just angry that ramona has the audacity to leave after he punched the moon for her, Matthew and Roxy are the only ones that genuinely are sad and angry)

The League of Evil Exes are just the same 5 with Lynette for support, they are not in any of the OG league's roles, they're on their own

their name will be, Vv cause V is the Roman number 5, and v as in victims

knives are the first V but she's still 17, she keeps coming back to fight Ramona until finally realising it isn't worth it

Kim is the second, they met after a Sex Bob-Omb concert, they're not Clash of the Demon Heads in a sense by the way, they're much more different, Kim explains the whole thing to Ramona, and they fight for a bit while also talking as they fight, then they stop and just decided to go out for a drink

wallace is the third and doesn't actually fight with Ramona physically, rather using psychic powers thanks to his current boyfriend, but after the fight, they're still hesitant cause it turns out that Wallace was the one that made the Vv and Ramona is genuinely jealous of Wallace but they later just become buddies

next is Lisa, at first Ramona doesn't even know what to do with Lisa, originally Ramona thinks Lisa is just a friend who is getting too close for comfort with Scott, then boom, big reveal that Lisa is actually one of the exes, they start to fight, but it ended up alright

last is envy and Lynette, the reason for this is that I like to believe that Envy was the one that wanted to take revenge on Scott, but nobody truly wanted to fight other than knives, Lynette is there to help cause they have a much healthier relationship compared to the comics, also envy's reason is cause she's jealous over Scott and ramona after hearing the fact that todd is now living with ramona and Scott is dating her

but what happened to the seven evil exes you may ask

well

Matthew and the twins would probably be the only people that Ramona talks to daily, i like to think Matthew lives nearby and that the twins are not as rich as Gideon but still have enough to have a house up in Toronto

Lucas after another flop movie (blame it on the writers, Lucas did nothing wrong) gets broke and starts to live with Ramona at first, Lucas is kinda like Kim in terms of his relationship with Scott, hot take that maybe Scott and Lucas have a better bromance than Gideon and Lucas

todd would be Ramona's roommate, but unlike Wallace, he's this self-destructive asshole that made himself sympathetic after Envy dumped him and he had nowhere else to go other than to Ramona, which just causes Ramona to feel like she's once again with a prick like Gideon

Roxy comes by every week or so to talk with Ramona and clearly is still hang-up over ramona. also has the best wlw/mlm solidarity friendship with wallace

Gideon would still be a billionaire and he's Sex Bob-Omb producer, and at one point forces them to fight against Ramona by using the glow but they manage to break free and turn against Gideon

basically yes the same thing with the comics and the anime, but Ramona is the one being paranoid and self-conscious about things but trying to act like she's not affected by this, and Ramona is the one who has to fight with Scott exes plus confront herself

and everything is not in the same chronological order as the comics

this swap au focuses on ramona and her ex, while Ramona and Scott realise why Vv was even made in the first place

young Neil, Julie, and Stacey would be Ramona's friends before Ramona gets to know the others

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kelseytheballerina · 9 months

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what made you realise you were acting vain and how did you change it?

It wasn’t just me enjoying the fun or relaxation of it anymore, it was a serious pursuit. So take my enjoyment of luxury goods for example. I like buying bags and shoes and stuff bc I think they are pretty and I just like them for what they are. I don’t make an idol of it, I don’t think it makes me better than anyone, and if God showed up and told me to leave it behind I would do it before he even finished the sentence bc I don’t actually place too much importance on it. I can wear a chanel or a random unbranded bag from amazon and it wouldn’t make a difference. But when it came to former beauty practices, I did care. A lot. The thought of not being done up a certain way was no longer simply about self care but caring far too much about how others were perceiving me and how I was looking in relation to others. Always wanting to be the shining star in the room. I was also doing it for personal enjoyment and for beauty’s sake but there were other dubious thoughts bubbling under the surface and they weren’t healthy. It was giving me a false sense of superiority and for what?

It was weird bc I would see other vain girls and feel a distaste for them even though we were exhibiting the same traits. So I was really seeing myself and not liking the reflection, if that makes sense. There’s a difference between confidence and arrogance. There’s a difference between doing something because you like it and feel like doing it vs feeling like you have to even when you don’t authentically feel like it. My views on beauty are very relaxed now and although I very much enjoy my routines and the end result, it is not an idol in my life and I am fully shining in simply doing what I want/like and feeling no pressure of any sort to be as pleasing to the biggest pool of people as I was before.

Being pretty, dressing cute, it doesn’t make me better than anyone else. It doesn’t make me worth more. It doesn’t mean I deserve more or am entitled to demand better. Yes I knew that before but I wasn’t behaving that way 100% of the time. All it means is that I like having curled hair and eyeliner. That’s it.

Whenever I take breaks from the extra outward adornments (just wearing my hair curly, no makeup, etc), I don’t feel any better or worse about myself bc it’s been taken off of a pedestal in my life. 2021 was definitely the height of my vanity and I’m glad I don’t have that same mindset anymore. You can enjoy looking good and taking really good care of yourself without being snooty or insufferable about it and somehow I was really annoying that year lmao! But it’s funny bc I got a lot of followers that year so people loved it but after a while I realized that I wasn’t as proud of my behavior and I didn’t think it was showing upstanding character. At the end of the day, getting 50k notes on a post and gaining a bunch of followers doesn’t mean anything if I’m not proud of who I’m becoming when I put the phone down.

I am a very visual person and I love beauty and will always enjoy partaking in beauty routines, but it doesn’t mean I have to be vain.

#ask

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bibibbon · 5 months

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Horikoshi and Izuku (RANT)

It's to no one's suprise when I say that horikoshi hates his own main character but the problem is YOU CAN HATE YOUR OWN CHARACTER BUT MAKE THEM WELL WRITTEN AT THE SAME TIME (gege is capable of doing it with yuji)!!! Hori doesn't do this instead of logically making izuku suffer a bit in the narrative with stuff that is LOGICAL AND MAKES SENSE he literally just gives izuku BS problems to overcome and worst consequences. Look Iam not saying he has to like izuku and make everything good for him but I am saying he should treat izuku properly when it comes to the narrative and DEVELOP HIS CHARACTER. The main reason why Iam so upset about this is because Izuku is an interesting character who has so much potential to be better and he is the perfect main character for a story like MHA. I have said this before but izuku has SO MANY Parallels WITH SO MANY CHARACTERS it could be something as simple as shigaraki and izuku parallels or something as vague and hidden as aizawa and izuku.

Here are some issues that hori could of used and challenged his MC with:

Have him realise that he is WORTH more then he thinks he is - this is something very present within izukus character and hori did try/attempt to do this during the early arcs of MHA and the overhaul arc but it failed. I think this is one of the reasons as to why he is so self sacrificial is because he doesn't see his worth and lets be honest the narrative doesn't help him acknowledge it/ it makes it hard for him to do so but even if that is the case I do want to reach a point where he sees himself as worthy as of someone with worth.

Spend longer on Izuku's insecurities especially about him being an OFA user - it's without doubt Izuku has a lot of pressure to live up to when it comes to being the next and LAST OFA user which is something hori does try and tackle in the overhaul arc and a bit in ch 306 but it falls flat a bit. I feel like it would be better to have Izuku doubt himself from the get go when he gets the quirk and realises that he CAN'T AND DOESN'T know how to control it. Also, when Izuku realises he is THE LAST USER give us his thoughts, his fears, his anxieties. These are things that he would feel he is just a 16 year old with so much pressure on him that no one could handle.

Have Izuku realise that the way Katsuki and the way people treated him wasn't right also SHOW us how he feels about Katsuki and the apology in general - This is probably one of my biggest points because let me be honest katsukis redemption arc fell off for many reasons one of them being the lack of the victims opinion and before anyone tells me," oh izuku is kind he will forgive him and understand" or "obviously, Katsuki will be forgiven izuku cares for him" THOSE ARE BS CLAIMS BECAUSE IN THE EARLIER ARCS YOU CAN SEE IZUKU'S ANGER and negative emotions towards KATSUKI which hori just forgets about. Also, have Izuku acknowledge that yes people treated me badly and that I DESERVE BETTER

Have Izuku benefit from his relationships with other characters - what I mean by this is that in EVERY one of Izuku's relationships he never really gains something from them which makes it seem like he is distant with them so have the relationships he has go both way and not be one sided ( i wil go into deeper detail another time)

Focus on how getting a quirk has impacted Izukus life whether this be positive or negative - ever since Izuku has gotten into UA his life has dramatically changed but he hasn't. The only thing that cha he's about izuku is that he got a quirk that's it. Make izuku question this change make him try and understand if he likes this change or not? I mean he has friends now, his mum supports him, he has a father figure ( all might), he goes to one of the best schools and more. Have him feel confused about the change have him question if people would still accept him if he was his middle school self. Also focus on the negatives of him getting a Quirk, make him feel like an outsider he can't control his quirk etc.

Focus on Izuku's intelligence - Izuku is supposed to be intelligent this is when it comes to school work which we often DO see and his intelligence of strategy which is once in a while type of thing that WE NEED MORE OF. Have him rely on his intelligence to get by, when he is exploring with OFA have him try his own unique ways of releasing the quirk like OFA is power stockpile quirk so for it to do anything it needs to be released from the body which is something izuku can experiment with and him and mei ( a duo I love) can create support items to help this

Have him differentiate himself from all might / realise even all might is flawed as a hero - I mean NO ALL MIGHT BASHING but just have Izuku' s obsession of all might die down have him realise that all might has made mistakes and that he isn't some big great undefeatable hero but someone who tries his best and is reckless. Have Izuku understand that he can't necessarily be an exact copy of all might and that even all might caused some problems in hero society (unintentionally)

Izuku's anger - it's not unknown that when fighting and in the heat of a battle izuku can get angry especially when someone close to him is hurt. Iam all for that so I feel like it would be better to dive deep into that and explore why that happens also give him some consequences from those actions

Challenge Izuku's own moral beliefs - have him realise that hero society is flawed. That heros are flawed and so are villains. Have him question and change his morals especially when it comes to shigaraki. Can he really save him? Or is gran Torino right is death the only way to save shigaraki? Have Izuku strive for a better more equal society one that helps people and doesn't isolate others because of their differences?

Confront the problems he has with adults like trusting an adult to help you etc - we don't see this a lot with Izuku and honestly a lot of adults have failed izuku in his life which is sad like let's be honest even all might and inko failed izuku in their own ways

These are just a few ways you can improve Izuku's character and tbh there are definitely more I haven't included. You can also make izuku suffer from the narrative with consequences THAT MAKE SENSE!!!!

#mha critical #bnha critical #hori is a bad writer #horikoshi critical #izuku deserves better

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venomous-qwille · 8 months

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Hi! I've been studying your art for a while, and I just couldn't help asking you this (it's okay if you don't want to share)

Have you ever attended any professional art courses? Your art fascinates me, and I'm honestly stunned if you are self-taught.

Hiya!

Thankyou very much I'm glad you like the art <3

I haven't attended any professional courses, but honestly most courses these days dont really teach you how to self study properly- how to narrow down on your weakest areas and target them specifically. Learning the fundamentals is all about repetition and practice and drawing from life and being really analytical about how light interacts with the things around you and deliberate about how you draw it. Your aim ultimately is to change the way you perceive stuff! Eventually it becomes second nature and you can be a bit more intuitive about what light/material/anatomy etc will be doing in certain scenarios rather than being beholden to a reference. My understanding is that most art courses just dont go into the depth on art fundamentals that you'd expect from say, an art atelier. An understanding of art fundamentals is what is most important no matter what style or medium you work in.

As for self study? There are a bunch of amazing resources out there for free/cheap online. I really recommend the pdfs by Devin Korwin- they are criminally cheap and jam packed full of essential art knowledge (he takes complex art concepts and makes them very digestible)! I regularly go back to them and find myself learning something new. James Gurney's books- imaginitive realism, and colour & light are also really worth it.

Obviously there are many benefits to having proper art instruction- even if that's just having a structure to your learning, or regular critique. However I truly believe that it is not an essential element to learning art!

At the end of the day, art instruction is waaaaay less important than just putting the hours in to practice! A lot of learning happens subconsciously- you dont even realise you are picking it up. I have spent hours and hours and hours copying film stills, drawing from life, drawing from refs, fucking about with fan art- targeted practise and stuff that was blatantly just for fun. As long as you are drawing, you are improving. By the by, I am 32 years old as of this blog post and seven of those years have been as a professional artist drawing every day for work, so I have had quite a bit of time to practice! :)

#asks answered #qwilledraws #art stuff #art tutorial #I feel like I go on a diatribe everytime I talk about art lol

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thisismyshow111 · 9 months

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what is ur self care routine like i’m trying to become “that girl ” so i wud like it if u can show ur skincare routine or watever u do for self care

“That girl routine”

Hii so sorry it’s been a while but I am bacck and this is my routine to my “Working, That- Girl routine”.

1- Waking up, when I wake up I fix my bed and do a few stretches before heading to the bathroom. Please make sure you get enough sleep and get up early to the things you enjoy!

2- Health, eating a healthy diet is very important as we all know! Learning what your body needs and eating to what you need, and remember to balance things out! No need to eat greens 24/7, have a sweet once a while and listen to what your body needs to avoid binging.

3- Clean space, Clean space = clean mind. Change your sheets every 2 weeks. Clean your room every week. Your desk space can be neat and tidy, whatever it is make sure your area is clean.

4- Skincare, taking care of your skin is very important to avoid break outs and further problems, find out your skin type and work from there! A cleanser, serum and moisturiser is the most important parts of my skincare routine. It is different for everyone of course.

5- Bodycare, this needs to be said more taking care of your body is just as important as skin! A scrub, Body wash, body creams and a mist that come in the same scent make the scent last longer and have you smelling AMAZING. This is my routine.

1- Loofah

2- scrub

3- shave

4- body wash with my desired scent.

5- body lotion

6- Moving your body, to avoid body problems, muscle pain and weight gain. Moving it is a must. This can be placed anywhere in your routine, whenever you time. Running, a workout, the gym, pilates or a sport are great ways to do so.

7- Mindset, you can never be that girl without the mindset of one. Realise who you are and what you wanna be because after all it is your life, do what makes you feel best. You can also check out this page.

8- Yourself, find your sense of style, new hair, makeup routine that suits you best! There are so many combinations so find one that will make you look the best and fit you, for who you are!

9- Surround yourself with good people. By doing this you will gain positive energy from your friends and you’ll feel great! Don’t bother spending time with people who make you feel miserable, you deserve to live your best life. It takes time but trust me it’s so worth it.

10- A night time routine. For both your morning and night do not use your phone during these times. The night is the time to shut off and get into your snooze zone. Meditation, journaling and reading are things I recommend doing during these times.

Hope this helped anyone who’s wanting a that- girl routine. Remember everyone’s is different and the point is for this routine is to be productive and be you!

Until next time,

- Xoxo, E💋

#runway #fashion #tips and tricks #lana del rey #aesthetic #alexander mcqueen #skincare #that girl #productive #self care routine #best version #it girl #target audience #pink pilates princess #thewizardliz #pintrest #q&a

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i-am-the-oyster · 4 months

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Hi there, I also have a quick question about this post (Paul's guilt about hurting John, possibly evidenced in song notes during the making of RAM, and its source—that he left John, despite having promised not to).

Are you saying Paul felt guilty towards John, and knew why, during the making of RAM? And, if so, how would you square this with Paul's notorious 'grief rant' phonecall with Hunter Davies shortly after John's death, where Paul appears not only upset by the idea that he hurt John, but also unaware of what he could have done to cause this hurt?

"But what had really got Paul upset that day was an interview with Yoko in which Yoko was quoted as saying that Paul had hurt John more than any other person. Paul thought they were amongst the cruelest words he ever read." (Hunter Davies grief rant fun)

Was Paul bullshitting Hunter? (Go, Paul)

Was Paul being defensive and angry b/c Yoko blamed him for hurting John in public?

Was Paul not surprised to hear he'd hurt John (after all, they hurt each other often), but struck by the 'more than any other person' part?

I don't mean to say you're right or wrong. I'm just curious to hear you elaborate on this. Meaning, your take on Paul's guilt, and how accessible it was to him consciously. I've long been thinking about him hearing this claim, 'you hurt him more than anyone else', and how different that would have landed, depending on how aware/guilty he felt.

(Whether Paul was right to feel guilty or not is a completely different matter, and doesn't play a role on my question.)

Thank you for the wonderful meaty (sorry Paul!) ask!

I think Paul *did* feel guilty at the time, but I wouldn't exactly say Paul was bullshitting Hunter. The thing that always jumps out at me from that transcript is where Paul says:

There's only one incident I can think of that John has mentioned publicly.

(emphasis mine)

Isn't that an interesting distinction in the context? It makes me think that there were deeply private things that they each did to the other but Paul feels certain that those things would never end up the subject of public discussion.

I don't buy the image of Paul as lacking self-awareness or self-reflection. BUT he is extremely good at re-framing things in a positive way "so many times I had to change the pain to laughter" AND he is a very contrary person. He seems to often instinctively push against whatever narrative the person opposite him is proposing, especially where the topic needs some nuance. (eg the one time he approaches the topic of Jim's violence is in response to Stern pushing Paul's own "idyllic childhood" bit).

So back to the version of their story that had in mind when I made my original post. (Which I'm not married to, but seems like a plausible scenario worth exploring). Paul and John are in a codependent relationship, John has clearly expressed his terror that Paul might leave (as he did with Cyn). John's behaviour has become erratic and (at least borderline) abusive. Paul knows that if he lets go John will "take a tumble", but he's exhausted and Linda is teaching him to take his own desires and needs into account in a much healthier way. (Not to suggest Paul was never selfish in the 60s lol, but he wasn't practicing actual self-care).

John is spiraling, and pushing Paul away in that heartbreaking pattern I call "see I knew you were going to leave". (I'm sure there must be a name for it in psychology). Linda doesn't yet realise the depth of feeling she's dealing with. Paul knows how terrified John is, he's promised he won't be like the others, he won't leave. But he can't do it any more. John finally convinces him that he actually wants him to leave, he bawls his eyes out in front of Mal, and he disappears to Scotland.

I think he would be absolutely wracked with guilt.

And then I think as part of his recovery from that depression he would reassure himself that he did need to leave, that it was the right choice, that he and John could continue to care about one another deeply and move on.

I think Yoko's statement was unnecessarily cruel hurt him, and triggered that contrary response. What's she even talking about? What did I do? The worst ever?!

Thanks again!

#that got tangenty #i hope you like text :)#crepe ask #paul's guilt #the breakup

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yandereorg · 1 year

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Hoi, it’s the Damien anon from a couple days ago 🥹💖

I’ve been having brain rot ever since and I was wondering how you think he’d react to someone who works with pre-school kids? What about inadvertent rejection (because I’m dumb and can’t read a room and would mess things up)

I have little brain but it was working hard after seeing your response.

I did a love letter, headcannons and a lil drabble bc why not<3 I hope you enjoy! Feedback is appreciated!!

to my beloved angel,

You warm my heart, watching you all days with the little ones fuel my daydreams, both innocent ones like the two of us raising a baby and the two of us making one, sorry im getting caught up in them, I'm writing to remind you that I love you, and that I'm exemely proud of the progress your making within the school, I often brag about you to the others and although the two of us aren't together yet, there is something that ties us together, we are bond, I know it, no one haunts me the same way you do. and the strangest thing? I adore your ghostly image which haunts my mind. Your image. Everything. I feel as though you're my guardian angel, given me a deeper purpose, helped me realise that humanity is worth all the effect my father puts into his job.

With love DW

Damian is loyal to a fault. He loves his family more than almost anything else, the else being you and the future family you have with him. And your job fuels these pretty daydreams. He does watch you at work and he just wants to skip over all this yearning, he wants past all this self made heartbreak, he hasn't made a move yet and he's already feeling the ache of rejection.

Damian didn't see the point of romance until some suggests that you would like it and then it becomes important to him, he goes through your favourite films trying to figure out something. And he does and it's perfect, he even ran it by Kori who applauded his efforts and gave him some reassurance along with Dick whose advice often came with taunts, leaving his skin with an irritating warmth, also mentioned that this will be perfect. He'd leave you notes, then pick you up, he even designed the bouquets of yellow roses, Tim suggested them as they represented undying love and Damian knew you loved flower language and loved overthinking, the florist was terrified with a frightening figure that loomed over his shoulder, ready to scream at him for the smallest mistake and because of his overwhelming aura he didn't correct Damian when he said yellow roses ment undying love, though he did suggest asters but that had been quickly rejected, he'd bring you to a restaurant which was booked out, he wouldn't allow a stranger to ruin this, not when Tim already had it covered.

Damian woke up shining, gleaming and Tim couldn't help but giggle. He didn't know you but he knew Damian and Damian would flex the fact about flowers and you would hopefully correct him, leading to Damian's overwhelming embarrassment. But it went worse than this.

You saw the yellow roses, took it as a friendzone and went home. Damian was going to kill him. How could he trust drake? Dick was protecting him, thinking it was a little bit funny and if it didn't send Damian into a murderous rage. He'd try again but Tim drake would not go unscathed.

by the end of the week he was in your bed, spending blissful mornings with you, and yellow roses would become a long running joke within the relationship.

𝐘𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐨𝐰 𝐫𝐨𝐬𝐞𝐬

Every time you walked home from work you wished you hadn't. You wished that you weren’t too embarrassed to ask for help, but here you were once again, cold, scared and still 45 minutes away from your apartment.

You had already received some unwanted attention, spiking your paranoia. you changed your route, in hopes that if the man had continued trailing behind you they wouldn’t be lead back to your apartment, your heart began to pang as you realised that you didn’t know where in Gotham you were and footsteps also commenced, heavy and fast approaching. You didn’t look back, just started walking faster, and faster, until it was a sprint. if you had only looked back and would’ve realised that the man who was fast approaching wasn’t a danger to you yet, or ever really. You are someone that would never have to fear Damian and his more violent tendencies. But he wasn’t Damian currently, rather Robin. the chase didn’t last too long. Damian had you pinned against an alley wall within seconds, you were so helpless, he quite liked the feeling of you squirming.

After a lecture about walking home in the dark, you found yourself in the batmobile being driven home by a stranger who seems so familiar, and he also seems to know you, Damian could never keep secrets from you and in his mind the two of you were already a thing, he loved you and you probably loved him too, you showed similar signs, whenever he spoke to you as a civilian you dodged his eyes, focusing on his nose, though he hoped you were staring at his lips, he often thought about yours but unlike Tim he could usually hide his creepier habits, though that thought had escaped his mind in this moment. Driving to your apartment, saying your name, asking about work, the warmth that you brought along with you was so comfortable, kind, warm, things he yearned for, your sweet perfume flooded the car. Damian sometimes thinks that he shouldn't be allowed alone with you, you were such a sweet treat, a magnificent indulgence.

He loved speaking to you, talking about the kids and the funny things they did or said, Damian couldn't wait for these conversations to be about your child, you’d be so cute, of course he’d hide the three of you from the world for a while. He loved the thought of you and him, tucked away in a cottage, the world could rust away and you’d be safe in his arms. and he adored how you spoke about your hobbies, you’d always show him pictures of your plants, showing him what they mean, what their preferred conditions were. He always knew what to say to keep you talking, gaining access to the cameras at your work helped, perfect leading questions.

Everyone had noticed his yearning. it lead to taunts and unwanted advice causing a small tantrum within the Wayne household, especially when drake hoped on, Damian was a fews seconds away from jumping on him, but eventually Damian had come up with a plan. Everyone had helped, Dick suggested the venue, Bruce suggested that he brought a gift, Jason helped pick one out, and Tim suggested flowers, yellow roses.

A knock rang out through the silent loneliness of your apartment. It was Damian, he was dressed smart like he was going on a date, the suit fitted him well. You wished it was you who was the object of his affection but the yellow roses felt like a stab, he had just plunged you deep into the friendzone. Though it wasn't an outright rejection it still stung, so you thanked him, took the flowers and closed the door before he could notice the tears that started to swell in your eyes.

Damian was confused, hurt, mostly confused though. When he got home, he was bombarded with questions, why he was home so soon, then Tim let out a giggled and explained his little joke.

Damian was enraged, Tim of course flew the nest, leaving Dick to calm him down, telling him he might need to be a bit more obvious.

He caught you walking home, again, this time he was Damian, and he was dressed a lot more causally, asking you on a coffee date, apologising for the roses and suggesting that the red asters showcased his emotions better. it was just like the all the other times the two of you hang out but this time Damian made clear his emotions , anxiety rife within him, and you let him know with a kiss. The love you provided him with was alien to Damian, but he adored the change, even bruce’s love felt conditional at times but you were glowing diamond, he often thought you could be the child of the sun with the warmth and beauty you gave the world. The moment your lips met his, he felt himself melt into you, the two of you were soulmates, he knew it.

The two of you moved quickly, soon acting like a married couple. Damian never left you unless he had to, but he had also made sure that you’d have all your meals met, even if he wasn’t there to eat with you, he even packed you lunches, saying sweet messages about how you were stopping the next generation of criminals before they could become them. He wanted to show that he could be your provider, look after you, so you knew that he was all you needed.

#yandere damian x you #yandere damian wayne #yandere damian wayne x reader #yandere robin x reader #yandere robin #damian wayne x reader #damian wayne

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saikolikes · 5 months

Text

“Si vis pacem, te ipsum vince”: the meaning behind Erina’s banner

I’m sure most people have noticed it, as it was shown firstly in the trailer and then in the opening: “Si vis pacem, te ipsum vince” seems to be the official motto of Persona 5 Tactica, and is indeed present on Erina’s banner when she uses Flag of Freedom.

The slogan is in latin, it roughly translates as “If you want peace, you must conquer yourself,” and it’s an alteration tailored to the game from the most commonly known “Si vis pacem, para bellum” (If you want peace, prepare for war).

What most don’t know (myself included before digging deeper to make this post), is that even the “original” phrase wasn’t exactly born as such and is itself an adaptation of a wider paragraph from a military treaty — Vegetius’ De Re Militari or “Epitome of military science” (the following quote comes from the beginning of Book 3):

Igitur qui desiderat pacem, praeparet bellum; qui uictoriam cupit, milites inbuat diligenter; qui secundos optat euentus, dimicet arte, non casu.

From what I read, the author does a sort of introduction by citing war masters from the past, including Athens and Sparta, and declares his task in compiling all their teachings in one place. Then, he concludes by saying “Therefore, the one who desires peace shall be ready for war; the one who longs for victory shall diligently instruct his soldiers; the one who’s after success shall fight following the art of war, not chance.”

The concept here is clear: you can’t search for and uphold peace without being skilled in battle and ready to fight for that peace if need be… which is a pretty interesting message in the wider scheme of Tactica.

(Warning for story spoilers from here onwards)

I didn’t reflect on it much as I was playing, especially because the game never gives you any “official” translation of what’s written on Erina’s banner. But as I went back to thinking about it, I realised just how fitting this alteration is. The whole deal with Salmael is peace should be the ultimate goal for mankind, a state of existence where no conflict is necessary—on the contrary, conflict is viewed as a bad thing, because it causes hurt and is ultimately harmful. So it makes perfect sense that “Si vis pacem, para bellum” is something that goes against Salmael’s philosophy.

What bothers me, instead, is that it perfectly fits what Erina represents, as is and without any alteration: she battles Marie like rebels do tyrants because the peace in the Kingdom has been disrupted and she wants it back. Putting metaphors aside, Toshiro is the one that realises that only by opposing his father and his fiancé he can right the wrongs that his family committed, and eventually find peace within himself. “Si vis pacem, para bellum” is actually already tailored on what the game is about, so thinking back about the alteration they made, I can’t quite explain it.

It has to be said, though, that “Si vis pacem, te ipsum vince” is also fitting. Reconciling with one’s Shadow self, tame it and embrace it is what awakening a Persona is all about and what Toshiro does later on in the story, so to have “If you want peace, you must conquer yourself” written on Erina’s banner is also a really nice touch!

I guess my main point here is that both phrases go well with the story’s themes and plot, but I do have to say, removing “para bellum” kind of ends up reinforcing Salmael’s point, which is that war (=conflict) isn’t necessary. It ultimately serves P5’s whole narrative that puts individuals at the center of societal changes without questioning too much what role society at large plays: it is acknowledged society needs reform, but reforming passes through righteous people and removing bad apples rather than dismantling and rebuilding anew a system that is designed to be exploitative. More so that “te ipsum” is a bit like saying “you yourself�� so I’d argue that a really great emphasis is put on the person/individual. Also worth noting that “te ipsum” is specifically male-gendered as “ipsum” is accusative cause (direct object) for both male (“ipse) and neutral (“ipsum”) pronouns, but “te” is accusative case for the pronoun “tu” which can only be used referring to a person; this means that if the phrase was to be female-gendered it would be “te ipsam vince”. So it really seems to be tailored to Toshiro.

I think what they did with Tactica’s motto is cool (if anything because it let me put my high school diploma at use again after 7 years lol) and definitely a nice addition that shows this game was made with a decent level of care for being a spinoff… at the same time, I can’t help but find a subtle contradiction in the alteration they made.

#persona 5 #persona 5 tactica #p5t #tactica spoilers #persona 5 tactica spoilers #p5 meta #meta #p5t meta #persona 5 once again brainrottimg me to the point i go fish back for my latin

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gwydion-aacblog · 10 months

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it's not the same thing and I apologize if this comes off as talking over you, but i experience a similar thing with my physical disabilities- they make me physically weak in many ways.

oftentimes people will go against me saying that by saying im strong "in my own way"- and no, im not strong, that's the whole point. i shouldn't need to be strong to be valued! nobody needs to be smart or strong or anything to be valued, and these weird, ultimately backhanded compliments hurt way more than they help.

not talk over . :) know is common experience when people can easy see disabled , that sometimes try rush to compliment or infantise . true with mobility aids , visible differences , with intellectual disability .

not that always people try be positive , there is outright violence too . but for example realise on days that use wheelchair , people even more likely infantise and coo and just get , really really weird . familiar nurses already explain blood pressure cuff every single time go in to doctor , but when in wheelchair will almost coo and hold .

think definitely people feel these is nice things to do and say , and of course some people might appreciate ... but not all , probably not even most . is true that world say , bad if not smart , bad if not strong , bad if need more help ... so on and so on .

but not fix that with say , " promise really is smart , strong , promise not even see as disabled . " how fix is that make world where not problems to start with .

some people is smart , or strong , or not need rely on aids . and not wrong for people be happy with those things in self , that have these skills , that not lose any skills to need aids because that in self almost always huge trauma to go through .

but also , world should be able value people regardless what can do , can not do , need , and not need . not everyone need be smart or strong or super talent or anything . some people - maybe lots more than even realise , because so many people try move fast and be " most valuable " in some way - happy with just , be .

not that something need be good for everyone just to be worth change because even smallest groups deserve good , but , if stop value people just because certain traits or uses . everyone would be happier .

#disability

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issie-https · 1 year

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Can you write smut hcs with Kurt

A-Z Headcanons

Kurt Cobain X Reader

A/n: hi everyone! Sorry I've been inactive for a few days, I'm working on all your requests❤️ Also, I found out the person that I like(romantically) likes me back!

Word count: 1034

Warnings: smut!!

Masterlist

༺✩༻

A - Aftercare (what they're like after sex)

He's an absolute angel when it comes to aftercare. Never wants you to feel bad and also never wants to feel bad himself. He wouldn't go ott but back rubs and words of affirmation are always in store for you both.

B - Body Part (their favorite body part of theirs and their partner's)

He loves his hair, who doesn't?! It took a bit of convincing from you but after a while he finally realised you were right.

He loves everything about you. This man is a worshipping machine!

C - Cum (anything to do with cum)

If you're not familiar with the rumour, Kurt used to "varnish" his paintings with his cum so... I don't think he has a problem with it🤷‍♀️

D - Dirty Secret (a dirty secret of theirs)

This man thinks about you 24/7 and he 1000% gets a boner from it. Not really a dirty secret but he is low-key obsessed w you.

E - Experience (how experienced are they)

I feel like he's experienced but because he respects women, if that makes sense. He's done his research let's say.

F - Favorite Position (self explanatory)

Literally any. He just wants you both to feel good and if it's missionary, fine. If it's standing up, fine.

G - Goofy (are they more silly or serious in the moment)

Depends again. If he wants to be goofy and crack jokes, he 100% will. But if he wants to be serious & romantic, he will be.

H - Hair (how well groomed are they)

Cannot decide. He might shave but also might just leave it, depends if he feels like it in the shower.

I - Intimacy (how are they during the moment, romantic aspect)

Our romance king❤️ he loves to be romantic. If you want to be rough, he will rough it up a little bit he prefers to be romantic. Defo holds hands during sex😩🫶

J - Jack Off (masturbation headcanon)

Turns him on if he catches you masturbating. If he wants to, he will but he prefers to do it with you. Like, it's not his first resort but it it comes to it then he will rub one out.

K - Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Dirty talk, public sex, maybe a slight breeding kink?, face sitting, mirror sex. I was thinking about kinks that Kurt might have but with him being a feminist and just a gut feeling, I didn't add them to the immediate list. I was thinking stuff like spanking, bondage, S&M or stuff like that but I honestly don't think he'd be all that into it.

L - Location (favorite place to do the do)

Bed. He isn't vanilla but he likes the closeness of being together in bed. It makes him feel safe with you. Also maybe the kitchen on the worktop or table🤷‍♀️ also wouldn’t say no to a little shower sex here and there🤫

M - Motivation (what gets them going)

Anything you do. That man worships you like you're a fucking goddess! You could be wearing the baggiest of baggy clothes(Adam Sandler) and have super greasy hair and have fucked up makeup and he's got a boner because of you.

N - NO (something they won't do, turn offs)

Anything that would hurt you. He was the most sweetest soul on this fucking planet so you can't change my mind that he wouldn't want to hurt you. Might make an exception if you ask him to spank you🤫

O - Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skills)

Prefers to go down on you and make you feel good because it makes him feel worth it. Wouldn't say no if you sucked him off once in a while🤷‍♀️

P - Pace (are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual)

Fast and sensual. Cannot change my mind.

Q - Quickie (their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex)

Prefers to have long, drawn out sex. Wouldn't say no to a quickie backstage though.

R - Risk (are they game to experiment)

Depends on what youse are experimenting with. If you're doing a new position, he's down asf. If it's something riskay, slightly hesitant but he wouldn't say no.

S - Stamina (how many rounds can they go for)

If it's a time where he's slept well, can go for hours until you tap out. If he didn't get the best sleep, prefers one good round then will cuddle with you.

T - Toy (do they own toys? Do they use them?)

Probably has some vibrators for you. Likes when you use them on yourself if he's on tour nor away from you.

U - Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Doesn't love it. He might tease you by pretending to fuck you when you bend down to grab something or something like that.

V - Volume (how loud are they)

Have you heard Kurt? He's either grunting or moaning until the birds die. He will never be silent because he likes you to know you're making him feel good.

W - Wild Card (get a random headcanon)

Probably brags to Dave and Krist about him having sex with you. In relation to that, during interviews or stuff like that, he mentions you constantly(probs not sex stuff). Always saying stuff to Dave and Krist like, "we had sex last night, it was amazing". And in interviews he's like, "so my wife/fiancée/girlfriend, Y/n" or "y/n, my wife/gf/fiancée". Always brags about you no matter what.

X - X-Ray (let's see what's going on in those pants)

Not giant but not tiny. It's enough to satisfy you and make you see stars but not too much to the point where you need a new liver, yk.

Y - Yearning (how high is their sex drive)

Always horny. He doesn't always have a boner but he is 24/7 horny. If you tell him that you're horny, he then gets a boner.

Z - ZZZ (how quickly do they fall asleep afterwards)

Once again, if he slept well the night before, he stays awake and lets you sleep on his chest while he smokes a cigarette but if he got a shits night sleep, he's out like a fucking light.

#nirvana #kurt cobain #dave grohl #krist novoselic #bleach #nevermind #incesticide #in utero

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