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stonecoldjerseyfox · 1 year

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Jersey on my mind (part 53)

“Open the gate!”

The screeching gate, worn out with heavy usage and time, is being pushed open and Sasha rolls the car through the gates of Alexandria. They got to oil that shit, Mila thinks to herself as they pass Eugene, ready to push the gate close again after them. It feels so wrong, going back without Daryl.

The journey back was quiet, contemplative. Mila sat in deep thoughts, not hearing or seeing anything; she knew the chances of her leaving the Sanctuary with Daryl was minimal, but of course she had an itty-bitty feel of the ‘what if’-nerve. Inside her head, a plan started to take shape. She had gone to the Sanctuary with two goals in sight. Make sure Daryl was alive and -somewhat- unharmed. But she also wanted -and also got- insight in the area. While Sasha was in charge of taking them back home safely, Mila painted up the location, the surrounding area and the road away from there as vivid and detailed as possible in her mind like a skier memorizing the slope for their upcoming competition.

“Home, safe and sound.” Sasha says as she lets the car brake softly to a halt. She turns the ignition and the humming of the motor dies.

Outside the car, they see people approach; Carl, Gabriel and some others who are curious of their recent whereabouts.

“Yeah.” Mila nods.

“You okay?”

“I could ask you the same.” Mila says in reply, mostly so she can avoid answering. “Let’s go. Can’t sit here all day.”

Quickly, before Sasha protests, Mila opens the door and steps out of the car. Sasha follows and slams the door shut simultaneously with her. While Mila opens the back door to grab the sack with Daryl’s clothes, Sasha’s greeted by Gabriel and Carl, giving her a hug.

“Where’ve you been?” Gabriel asks.

Mila can’t really hear Sasha’s reply as she closes the back door, but Sasha must’ve said something about the Sanctuary, because Gabriel exclaims:

“You went there on your own?”

His tone is reproachful.

“Blame it on me.” Mila says with a grunt and swings the sack over her shoulder. “Calm down, it went fine.” She sighs. “We’re alive, aren’t we?”

Gabriel doesn’t say anything, just makes a ‘hm’-noise, clearly telling her how much of a bad idea he thought it was.

Instead of starting an argument, Mila walks past them and moves towards the part of the community where they live. Sasha hurries up beside her.

“Care to let me in on your plan?”

“What plan?” Mila lies.

“I’m not an idiot.” Sasha looks sharply at her. “You don’t think I’ve noticed you’re up to something? You were like in another dimension back in the car.”

Mila hesitates. Letting others into her mind isn’t exactly her favorite thing. Luckily, Sasha’s mind seems to wander away, as she turns her head and catches sight of something.

“Uh-oh.” She whispers.

Frowning, Mila turns to look as well. Rick comes walking towards them, or more like striding. Judging by the look of his walk he’s not coming to greet them with open arms and joyful exclamations.

“That looks like trouble.” Sasha whispers as Rick comes closer.

“Go.” Mila says. “I’ll handle it.”

If she reads his face correctly, which even a blind person should be able to do, he’s not happy. On the contrary. Rick’s resemblance to an active, lava-shooting vulcano is striking! Mila takes a deep breath before she stops in the street.

“Happy to see me?”

It’s dumb to challenge him like this, but it’s like she can’t stop herself.

“Ya’ went.” Rick’s tone is sharp as he breaks in front of her with his hands on his hips.

“I did.” Mila replies doughty.

“Even though I asked you not to?” Rick snaps. “Why?”

Mila shrugs. The movement seems to irritate Rick even more.

“I wanted to. Had to.” She corrects herself.

“Without tellin’ me?” Rick’s sharp hip shoots out even further.

He’s pissed off, that’s for sure.

“Didn’t think I had to ask you for permission.” Mila replies and lets go of the sack. It drops to the ground at her feet with a thud. “Sheriff.”

Rick remains silent, bites his lower lip and tries to restrain himself. The way she said ‘sheriff’ really hits his buttons. It’s like waving a red napkin in front of an already enraged bull.

“What the fuck’s wrong with you?” He says snappy.

“Nothing.” Mila says sincerely. ”I’m still a little sore but-”

“Oh, don’t bullshit me!” Rick scoffs and shoots his head forward. “Why, Mila?”

Silence. She knows that if she opens her mouth, Rick will cut her off as fast as it takes her to blink. Her silence seems to annoy him even more, so after a short, tense paus she resigns and answers:

“I think you know the answer to that.”

“Damn it, Mila!” Rick explodes.

His sudden outburst actually makes her jump on the spot.

“What?” She exclaims in reply. “You thought I would just LET this happen?”

He really should know her that well by now.

“That you’re out of your goddamn mind?” Rick shouts. “Yeah, I knew that, but not to this extent.” He sighs deeply. “But I didn’t know you were that fucking stupid?”

Mila’s eyes darken with rage.

“They’ve got Daryl as hostage!” She sputters in reply. “Keeping him in chains like a fucking animal! You think I’ll just let that happen? He’d done the same for me- for anyone, if it was the other way around.”

“He would be just as much of a risk as you just were if it was so.”

“Yeah, because we’re not grown ups who can fend for ourselves.” Mila scoffs ironically. “Are you serious?”

People walking past them have stopped in the street to listen to their loud argument. Mila wants to turn around and shout at them to ‘get a ticket or get the hell out of here’, but she won’t break hers and Rick’s eye contact. She won’t be the one to look away first.

“Risk behaviors are not what we need right now!”

“Oh, please, enlighten me.” Mila says, voice dripping with irony. “What DO we need, then? Enlighten me, Rick. What is it that you know that the rest of us don’t?”

“Don’t you-”

“Because last time I checked, we’re in this pile of shit together, on the same crappy terms.”

“That’s exactly why we have to uphold rules, and reason-”

“Oh bullshit! There’s no rules or reason in an apocalypse!” Mila shouts. “You can’t be so fucking naive, not after what happened in the glade. Besides, not all actions have to go through you, Rick.” She sputters. “You don’t rule here.”

That last part causes Rick’s eyes to turn dark. No verbal reply follows. But how bad it ever feels to have said it, she doesn’t regret it.

”This ain’t a one woman job, Mila.” Rick says, trying his best to remain calm as he does. “You cannot do everything on your own.”

”I ain’t any woman.” Mila shakes her head.

“You’re thinking you can just- what? Go over there on your own and get Daryl out? They’ll kill you.” Rick shakes his head. “This ain’t a fairytale.”

“Oh, yeah, thanks for thinking so highly of me.” Mila replies dryly.

“I think it’s foolish, that’s what I think.” Rick says and points out in the air. “And I think you’re going to walk right into your own death if you do it. So I’m just gonna say this one time. Don’t!”

“Again, thanks for thinking so highly of me.”

Rick stares at her, breathing frantically through his nostrils. It’s more likely that he’ll die of a brain hemorrhage, caused by her, than being bitten by one of the walkers right now.

“It’s you against- what, almost a hundred of Negan’s soldiers?” Rick lets out something very close to an ironic chuckle. “You think you’ll survive that on ya’ own, in your state? You’ll get both you and Daryl killed and Juri’s-”

“Don’t even dare to try and use my own son against me.” Mila utters between clenched teeth.

“It’s doomed to fail from the start, Mila!”

“They will fear me!” Mila roars at Rick, feeling her cheeks burn like fire. She’s about to explode with anger. ”I am the daughter of the Moscow Butcher, I am the spawn of the Russian satan! That crazy motherfucker-” She points out into the air, in the direction where she thinks the Sanctuary -and Negan- is. “He WILL know who he’s fucking around with! I won’t show him no mercy.” She takes a deep breath. “Trust me, I know exactly what I get myself into. I’m not that clueless - I know very well what I put at stake here. But I don’t trust them- him, to keep his word! And since you are so veeery unhelpful-”

Mila pauses and holds her arms out to her side, signaling that ‘here we are’. At this point, she wouldn’t even want his help, how much he would insist on it. Right now she doesn’t even want to see him.

Rick looks pleading at her and takes a step closer to her, almost so their noses bump into each other. It strikes her how worn his face is up close and he looks tired. Very tired.

“Carol’s gone-” He says in a much lower tone than before.”Morgan’s gone. Glenn’s dead, Abe’s dead… and Maggie-” He stops and swallows before forcing her to meet his gaze. “I need you here, Mila. Ya’ hear me?”

Loud and clear, she thinks. But that’s not the point. Stubbornly, Mila looks at Rick with tightly pressed lips and breathes through her nose.

“Daryl needs me, Rick. Not you.” She says and shakes her head. “Not this time.”

Without letting Rick get the last word -a pleasure she intends to withhold with joy- Mila bends down and grabs the sack from the ground; too stubborn to let out a grunt in pain as she does.

With one last look at the sheriff she pushes past him, towards the house. She’ll have to drink at least one bottle of liquor or break something really big, like a car, to feel calm after this so-called discussion.

She marches up the stairs, into the house, up to the second floor and into the bedroom. It’s empty, so Juri must be out playing. Thank god for that, because the rhyme of swear words coming from her mouth would scar him for life.

She plops down on the bed and bends over, leans her head in her hands and tries to collect herself before she’s having a seizure. She’ll have to! If she doesn’t at least try to be calm and collected, she won’t be able to solve this - to save Daryl.

Or maybe she’ll let the anger and the ‘crazy’ out. With a deep sigh she falls back on the covers and looks up at the ceiling.

Partially, Rick is right. Mila knows that. She’d never admit it, but it’s true. It IS foolish what she wants to do and it WOULD be wiser not to go on her own. But she also knows that there’s no time to waste. And time is something she doesn’t have. They can’t sit down to discuss strategies and who should and who shouldn’t go. Things HAVE to happen ‘on the go’ this time.

So screw it if they think she’s crazy. That’s what kept her alive in one way or another, besides having a kid to look after and being incredibly fond of alcohol.

She doesn’t leave the room for the rest of the day. Mostly because she doesn’t want to give the other inhabitants of Alexandria exactly what they want; a damn show if she and Rick starts to argue again. She could go and find Maggie, but right now she can’t let herself ‘feel’.

For what’s to come she’ll have to be totally blank of emotions.

Three times Sasha comes and knocks on her door, asking if she’s alive, to tell her that there’s dinner and that she’ll take care of Juri and make sure he’ll get some food in his stomach.

Guilt washes over her for not taking care of Juri herself, but she’s also too fucking proud and stubborn to go down to dinner and face Rick.

She only leaves the room to put Juri to bed. With sleepy eyes he tells her that he ate two portions of dinner before he bombards her with questions. Where’s Daryl? Where’s Carol? Where’s Glenn? Will they be alright? When are they coming home?

“It will be alright.” Was everything she could say.

That she would be the one making sure it would, she leaves out of the equation. She kisses him good night, tucks him in and makes sure his night light is on before she leaves his room and closes the door.

Back in her bedroom, she makes a quick change of clothes to fully black, gears up and lies down on the bed, waiting for the sound of doors closing and people going to bed. She only has to wait for two hours, in which she just lies there staring up into the ceiling. Then she sneaks out of the room and downstairs. Yup, she’s the only one awake it seems.

In protection of the darkness she sneaks out of the house, snatches a pair of car keys on the go, and runs towards the armory and storage. The moon is almost full in the sky so she licks the walls of the buildings on her way, to avoid being too visible in the pale moonlight.

At the armory and storage Mila pulls out a flashlight from her backpack and puts it in her mouth. She bolt cuts the padlock, preferring a scoldering rather than ask for the keys, and sneaks inside. There, she collects ammunition, a kit of pliers, smoke grenades and some other useful bits and bobs she might need.

When she considers herself done, she leaves -without bothering to close the armory after her- and sets off towards the cars. Standing in front of them, she holds the keys up and pushes the ‘unlock’-button to see which car the keys belong to. As she does, the lamps blinks merrily on a silver sedan.

“Thank god.” Mila sighs, thanking her lucky star that it wasn’t a SUV.

She wouldn’t be able to push it on her own. Carefully, to not make any unnecessary loud sounds, Mila opens the driver’s side door and throws her backpack over the middle armrest, into the passenger seat.

Just as she’s about to turn the ignition one step and begin the heavy work to push the car out of the community, she hears a sound behind her. Despite her aching body, she moves impressively fast; she pulls her gun and spins around. The sight of Enid and Carl both startles her and makes her mildly relieved. But she quickly puts on her stern mom-face.

“Fucking hell, Carl!” Mila hisses and lowers her gun. “I could’ve shot you!”

She looks seriously at the two teenagers, geared up with backpacks. Where are they going?

“Sorry.” Carl says.

“Where are you two going?”

“We wanna help you.” Enid answers. “To rescue Daryl.”

Mila feels how her right eye starts to twitch ominously.

“No, you won’t.”

“Come on!” Carl says, a little louder than he probably anticipated. Angrily, not wanting her chances to get out of here screwed up by Carl, hush at him. “We can help you!”

“Yeah, uh, well… how about NO!” Mila replies with emphasis. “I’ve had it with help, thanks!”

“Listen, I know dad didn’t mean-”

“Carl, no!” Mila cuts him off, not wanting to hear Carl having to apologize for Rick and looks at Enid. “You’re in on this too?”

Enid shrugs.

“He’s right.” She says simply.

“Jesus Christ…”

“We wanna help!” Carl insists stubbornly. “Daryl’s family! And you need us.” He holds his hand out towards the car. “You gonna push that on your own?”

“What’s this with everyone doubting me all of a sudden?!” Mila mutters irritatedly.

“At least let us help with that.” Enid nods. “Then you can decide whether you want us to come or not.”

“Enid!” Carl hisses.

It WOULD actually be nice to get help with the car. Somehow, maybe because Carl activates his puppy eyes and Enid looks at her with her sweetest smile, Mila buckles in.

With collected force, doing an impressive job with keeping quiet, they push the car towards the gate. Mila wants to cheer out loud when it’s clear that the gate is unwatched. It’s too good to be true! Knowing they have no time to lose, they quickly and as silently as possible open the gate, and push it outside.

“So?” Carl asks when they are standing on the other side. “Can we come?”

Mila hesitates. It would be wiser to just point towards the gate and ask them to close it behind them and go to bed. But on the other hand it would be smart to have a little help. It would save her lots of precious time.

“Fine” Mila sputters and points her very stiff, angry index finger at the stubborn teens. “But you do exactly as I say, or else-”

The threat is taken seriously. Both Enid and Carl nod gravely.

“Good.” Mila nods. “Enid, watch the car. Carl, you and I push the gate close. If someone sees us, screw the gate and head for the car.”

As soon as they’ve closed it behind them, they continue to push the car further down the darkened, desolated road, until all three of them hop in.

“Buckle up.” Mila commands the two teens in the back. “At least I can say I forced you to wear seatbelts.” She mutters and adjusts the mirrors. “I’m not candidating for mom of the year, that’s for sure…”

She would absolutely lose that competition if it existed.

With one last look backwards, making sure no one has seen them, Mila turns the key and drives off into the night on a rescue mission, totally bound to fail.

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