There are the years that make us. I have been healing for the better part of a decade. It is at the point where I can talk about my story but don't feel the need to. However I do feel the want to get some things out and it will probably be messy and uncomfortable for a while, but that's how things often are.
The memories don't tear at the wounds anymore. Gentle tugs maybe, burns a little, and that may always be the case, but with high tolerance it is bearable. I am also not alone in my journey, although it often feels that way. When I post of love, deep understanding relationships, D/s...these aren't fantasies or hopes, it's often sentiment that mirrors what I, we, have. Things I believe, embody, share, keep learning, and live, daily.
I do yearn for friendships, genuine connections, a tribe (I have secluded myself for a long time, necessary but...) as I am open to it now, perhaps that hope will fill in, in time, baby steps and I feel beyond fortunate for some that I've met here. You have no idea what kindness and presence can mean to someone, even if it's just seeing a familiar avatar/notification.
Are relationships work? Um...
Are relationships technically every single interpersonal dealing and exchange not just those we deem honored by our presence? Yes. Why isn't that considered work? Isn't everything worth having and doing technically "work" anyway? Why do we call it work as opposed to effort, which is all it is? With parenting, friendships, family, co-workers, strangers you meet (or don't)...There is no clocking in and out, no breaks, no vacation or sick pay maybe because it's not a fucking job!
Labors of love, effort, with no clear reward or condition. Love. There may be one word for something that encompasses a few hundred thousand different emotions/feelings/circumstances/reasons/excuses/truths (love doesn't lie) so maybe we can chill with limiting parameters based in nothing but fear and the unknown.
Besides, the relationship with others isn't the difficult stuff, it's the relationship with ourselves that may actually be work but that also has nothing to do with anyone or anything else. Being honest, communicating earnestly, kindly, truthfully, openly and being and embodying that which we yearn and hope for. Sounds so much easier than it is.
My husband, partner as I prefer to say, and I hold ourselves and each other to this. 16 years together, half of that time considered to be a D/s relationship (no it didn't start out that way!) I took over a position he was holding and our professional nature, plus a very sweet and innocent misheard moment, solidified the actual love at first sight. We fought to be together. Yes, these things do happen. Often. People often try to ruin beautiful things so I don't feel the need to broadcast. We had established and enacted what works for us and revisit, discuss, and evolve as needed or wanted. Every single day we show up for, and with, each other in whatever capacity that means. It is far from always being sunbeams and rainbow unicorn farts but, no matter what, we have each other.
Be present, be aware, be open and keep moving forward. Allow yourself the grace to stumble, fall, maybe even take some extra time getting up, but hiding behind insecurities and masks to remain comfortable isn't going to do it.
Find comfort in your discomfort and forge ahead. It's worth it, all of it, every single part of it and if you don't know that, just wait, you will.
feralchaton
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