#liar! dark lies 1st liar

[libbee]

Safety first: protection against manipulators.

Inner planets in 8th house/12th house/generational planets (Jupiter, Saturn in 8th house)

Sunday evening. You sit along with your friends and family for a nice relaxing hangout. Tea, snacks, gifts, laughter, full of energy. People sharing their stories and experiences. All well, few hours later, party over. You are still in the warmth of energy, joyed by the event, feeling good to be alive. Then.. something clicks. You are confused. This couple said things that dont sit right with you. What is it? You know in your head that this person was lying, the manipulation was so subtle that you only see it now, they were grooming the crowd to give them what they want. Welcome to the dark side of human psychology.

Intentional or unintentional, it does not matter, but you were manipulated and that is real. Some people go through life carefree and unbothered. Others know a little more. Every conversation we have with others is either an influence or a manipulation. Parent influences child. Teacher infleunces student. Spouse influences partner. Customer influences seller. Every person influences others, but when this influence is loaded with malicious, selfish and one sided exploitation, then you know you are being manipulated. When you give more than you get, are being misled and misinformed and being used as a social toy then you know you are being manipulated. Most disturbing manipulation happens from those who are closest to us, that is family, siblings and partner etc. When someone lies to you, they paint a picture in your head that does not exist. The lies distort your perception and affect your decisions, presuppositions about the world and opinions.

Why do some people never identify liars and manipulators? Because these people know what they want from others, are dominating Alpha type, extremely charming and love bombing, speak over others and assert their opinions on others. All of us have emotional needs and vulnerability, most necessary is the need for social acceptance and participation. We crave to belong to someone and some group. A lot of people never identify liars and manipulators because they are not so emotionally sensitive and enlightened. As unfortunate as it is, the world is after all not a bubble of well meaning and fair deal people.

Once you identify manipulative people, you also understand how futile it is to confront them. These people live in a different reality. They go to any lengths to manipulate people's perceptions because it benefits them. They are crazy making tricksters. Can you ever be "friends" with a trickster? No, in the end you lose more than you gain. Here is something you can learn from:

Here is quotes from the video: "The victims of people such as con men and snake oil salesmen, are those who are unconscious of trickster – they have been tricked by their own naivety, greed or self-deception. We have to be a little tricky, to guard against being tricked."

"We can deceive others or be deceived, but we can never deceive ourselves. Trickster forces us to look at ourselves in the mirror, and to the persona that we are putting on to impress others, to the detriment of our instinctual needs, our creativity and playfulness that is so vital to give us the energy that we need in our daily life."

Once you understand that the manipulators outside are a mirror to your internal trickster, it is time to change your beliefs about yourself and transform a little. This is why the 8th housers, scorpion, 12th housers are the ones to identify manipulation because their natural ability is to transform. Someone who has inner planets in 1st/2nd/3rd houses in air/fire signs simply would not have the ability to transform - but they can be a trickster if they are unevolved. Sadly, a lot of air/fire people stay unevolved because their natural ability is not to do self reflection. Water house/sign natives can learn from these natives, because it is said that the people who hurt you the most are your spiritual teachers.

“The so-called civilised man has forgotten the trickster. He remembers him only figuratively and metaphorically, when, irritated by his own ineptitude, he speaks of fate playing tricks on him or of things being bewitched. He never suspects that his own hidden and apparently harmless shadow has qualities whose dangerousness exceeds his wildest dreams.” - Carl Jung, C.W. Vol. 9.1: On The Psychology of the Trickster Figure.

In the so called transformation of 8th housers and scorpion lies the enlightenment and coming to the consciousness. It is to shed the ignorance of unconscious and primitive way of life. It is to dissolve your previously held ego and step into a new way of life. It is to get in touch with your spirits and the soul that is you. To change your habits and interests. One example, to stop listening to music and songs rather meditate, watch your impulse and emotions, create music rather than consume. This is a new way of life. One that will both change your interpersonal relations and your own inner life.

#astro community #astro notes #astro observations #astrology observations #astro placements #astro tumblr #astroblr #astrology #astrology notes #dark astrology #astrology blog #8th house #12th house #Scorpio #Transformation #Youtube

[artsysurvivor]

🧍‍♀️

[ID: There's 4 pages. They include Caitlyn and Ferris, who wear similar styled clothes and have similar faces/hair. Ferris has dark brown skin and darker brown lips with a long nose, black curly hair ending above his shoulders, and dark brown eyes. Pulled in the back of his head is a ponytail, but the rest of his hair is down. Caitlyn has lighter brown skin, dark brown hair coming down to about her hips, and lighter brown eyes. She has a long torquoise dress with a lighter torquoise sash around her hips. Puffy sleeves come down to the elbows, the rest of the sleeves tight and white. Ferris's clothes are green instead, and below his sash the "skirt" comes to his upper thighs, and his pants are dark green/black color.

1st Page: "He had always thought it was unfair how just because someone was born first, they were destined to assume the throne."

"Even when their counterpart was more intelligent..." [Picture of young Ferris being pat on the head by his dad, holding a paper with an A+ on it].

"More loved..." [Picture of still young Ferris, but a little older than the last picture, surrounded by adoring fans. He has his back towards the camera and is waving enthusiastically].

[Queen O'Carrick, with red hair, pale skin, freckles, and brown eyes saying, "Don't tell your brother this but..."] "More worthy."

Caitlyn, offscreen: So you killed him.

2nd Page: Ferris, annoyed/angry: For the good of the kingdom, Caitlyn!

He sighs, then looks away from her.

Ferris, sweating a little bit: Look, I know how you're feeling right now. [Caitlyn is shown with furrowed brows, frowning, as she stares at him] Angry, confused, scared.

Ferris, still looking away but now with a wide smile, with his hands on his chest: I felt the same thing! But as royalty, you have to make sacrifices to benefit your people. Even if that means...

...taking someone you love out of the picture.

3rd Page: Caitlyn, with growing tears in her eyes, her hair flowing from her outburst: You liar! You never loved Halt. All you saw was someone who stood in the way of that stupid leather band.

[She walks to the window where beyond green hills lies a bunch of cottages/cabins underneath a sunrise, and gestures outside it] And this was never about the kingdom—you don't give two cents about what the people down there are facing.

Ferris doesn't say anything, looking expressionless and darkness filling his eyes.

After a moment, he says: You know Cat, I thought we could work this out. [Camera shifts view so that it is behind Ferris, who is grabbing a sword in his scabbard. Caitlyn is standing in front of the window, with her mouth a-gap and a tear going down her face. She looks like she wants to run, but is stuck there.] I thought that maybe, you could get past your love for him and see the truth. Now I see that was a foolish hope.

[Shiink!]

Ferris, heavily shaded so you can barely see his eyes, holding the sword in front of him: All you are is a liability. /End ID]

Fun fact: I originally thought this up for a Greek Tragedy school project (I didn't turn it in on time though fnsjd whoops) so that's the reason there's no justified cussing/it's kind of rushed.

#she dead #ranger's gathering 2023 #day 6 #ferris o'carrick #caitlyn o'carrick #artsycandraw

[grits-galraisedinthesouth]

"Usually, I don't like gloating about people's downfall. But what we have to remember is that this woman and her husband are anything but good people. Move over Amber Heard bc this is a woman who has caused nothing but destruction in their wake, and has essentially caused a family rift within a family."

The Fall and Fall of Meghan Markle (TPS #67) Legal Social Commentary by Law Nerd Pluto and hubby Zack

OH I LOVE EXPOSING LIARS SO MUCH!

It's almost as if it's Rachel's day in court! So if you like to see justice getting served or evil people & liars getting exposed, stick around for this episode. This is levity. We've had a lot of darkness with the heaviness of Johnny's case. And Meghan, I don't want to be mean-----she's just pa--the---tic-tig!

You don't just get justice in a court of law. Actually that rarely happens. There are other ways of getting justice and 1 of them is exposing evil people & liars who wanna harm others who've done nothing to them.

Deep Dive into 1 of 2 excerpts from Tom Bower's new unauthorized autobiography called "REVENGE." We are not in shock by the book extracts. We all knew that she is a liar, but to get access to actual concrete evidence that her ENTIRE life from as far back as 11 years old----this woman's entire life is a lie and we haven't even gotten the book yet.

"We knew from the engagement interview and the wedding that she was fake."

No one, including Harry, knew about Suits. She tried to project an A-lister image, but it was anything but that. She began posting photos wearing an identical blue bracelet to Harry but she was so unknown that people didn't catch on.

All scripted. Who else steals stories? AMBER HEARD. No one knew about Amber Heard until Johnny Depp. People only care about MM bc of Harry. MM poses with really important people and pretends she has friends in high places. Her Instagram was full of poses that make them look very familiar.

Meghan and Amber preach about feminism and "being a strong, independent woman." When their entire existence as we know it, is a direct result of the men they've attached themselves to. (This woman is suffering in the IQ.)

She had the connections and still couldn't make it, even with the help of her Soho House Connections.

(Pluto)-The engagement interview was the 1st red flag...post-baby her level of entitlement spiked. Ensnarement. You cannot get rid of me. The kid was her meal ticket & It kills her that Harry is her meal ticket.

Anyone with 2 brain cells could see that she targeted him for a reason. Even if Wills was single, she could not have taken him on bc he's too switched on. Harry fell for it. If you believe anything that comes out of Rachel's mouth...fool me once Harry, fool me twice---Harry how many times do you want to be fooled? She ensnared the man. Immediately edited her online profiles from "actress" to "UN," carefully curated her image for Harry. I don't know what alarm bells Harry was getting, if any.

People like her don't know how to be around men without becoming sexy and flirting...sending spices is a sign of over familiarity. Evidence that Meghan is not above providing sexual favors. Kashmir was from Toronto, but never heard of Suits or MM. Just like Amber, Meghan is not a good actress.

Everything she does is to lose every shred of anonymity. The mask slipped in her Suits junket w/Larry King & Patrick Adams---she can't help herself. She had it made, a dream job and anonymity but she wanted Brad Pitt level stardom. She was willing to lie her way to fame.

In reality, she's the stupid one for assuming that everyone else is stupid. Her lies are SERIOUS. Prior to Harry, people didn't think to go dig, so she lied.

The truth always finds a way out.

Not a shred of philanthropy. PR is not philanthropy as observed by Grayden Carter. She has no where to hide anymore.

For the monarchy she hated, she is certainly acting very dictatorial to silence the truth. Off with their heads! If you do or say anything that isn't what I say. (Red Queen)

Learning Lesson for All- one day you too could go from a private life to a public life and all the lies you told will be exposed.

https://youtu.be/CB7n_VGkavU

Suits Promo Junket for Season 3 with Markle & Adams. Notice MM isn't wearing her 💍 Formally separated from Trevor August 7th 2013 https://youtu.be/4Jt_7zVLeRk

Larry King accurately classified her role as a seductress and Meghan rejects the label. Notice RACHEL likes her AMBITIOUS SAVVY character bc as Tourre often tweets, she played herself in EVERY ROLE.

Oh my goodness. I had forgotten about all her lies in this interview: No waiting tables, just calligraphy+LIVED in Argentina+very 1st audition +name dropped bff Lindsay Jill Roth who is a low level producer on this internet Larry King Now show+"just went in and auditioned for it"+"The privacy is gone🙄"+Do you take direction well? She answers the question to promote that she grew up in the business & is most familiar w/the crew------she doesn't take direction well, she likes to change the character to promote herself "I don't think Rachel would be doing that"🙄

Perspective: Here M speaks about the future of the show while secretly searching for a job in ENGLAND & an "ENGLISH BOYFRIEND." She employed MULTIPLE small PR Firms. 1 firm booked her to help host Longoria & Beckham's Global Gift Gala. LC had never heard of MM or Suits, but she was asked by a PR firm to babysit MM at the London Gala. They had been unsuccessful at finding work for her in the UK. LC said Meghan wanted a role on Made In Chelsea.

Legally she could not date during the separation, but she did film the Grilling with Men's Health soft porn video to advertise that she was available and open for business.

#Youtube #breadcrumbs #meghan markle #prince harry #tom bower #tombower #bring on bower #bringonbower #amber heard

[anotherprojectsekai-nah]

■□■□■□■□■

Mr Little Liar - DARK STEAL (Main Story) Part 11

■□■□■□■□■

Everyone hides things from people,either pasts, secrets, identites, and intentions. They all hide them, but one person hides everything behind anything. Anything, full of lies.

Previous Part - Next Part

(Next Day...)

(Saint Spring Middle School)

Smiling Student: "Morning guys."

Calm Student: "Morning."

Female Student A: "Wow! I never knew there would be a concert, especially from our favorite idol on the next month!"

Female Student B: "I know right? It's amazing! I bet their gonna be so cool on stage at where it's taking place."

Female Student A: "Yeah! I'm so excited about it!!"

???: "Excuse me, mind if I pass through please?"

Female Student A & B: "Hm?"

Kuro: Shine, shine "I'm running a bit late for my first time working here."

Female Student A & B: "Whoa!!!... So beautiful!"

Female Student A: "O-Of course! This way!"

Kuro: "Thank you."

Step, step, step

Aqua: "...Did you really have to do that?"

Kuro: "Well, I would have to try and see if they wouldn't notice me much. With these glasses of course."

Kuro: "Besides, our 1st goal is to pretend to be people here, make them believe we always been here."

Aqua: "...I see."

Kuro: "Remember what we discussed and planned yesterday, ok?"

Aqua: "Ok."

...

(Classroom)

Teacher: "Ok everyone, that would be for everything for this session. Your next session will come here..."

Kuro: "Right now."

Teacher: "Eh?"

Kuro: "Sorry if for my disturbance before dismissal, I came here just in time."

Teacher: "Ah, I see. Well, since your next subject teacher is here, I'll take my leave, goodbye everyone."

Step, step, step, step

Amazed Student: "Whoa, who is he?"

Adoring Student: "He looks absolutely handsome!"

Surprised Student: "I know right?!"

Black-haired Student: "..."

Kuro: "Ok everyone, welcome to music class. Since your current teacher for this subject is absent, I shall be the substitute."

Kuro: "The name is Kuro, so I'll need you all to listen to what were gonna learn today, even though I never taught someone before, do take notes."

Kuro: "Are you all ready?"

Students: "Yes!"

Kuro: "Ok then, let's begin."

Kuro: (So...the person inside this neutral classroom is Nozomu Okaya, one of Kiritaka's murderers, and Saint Spring's bullies here.)

Kuro: (I better keep focus and try to ask him about the other informations he has later.)

Kuro: (Won't be too long till I find the reason why he killed Kiritaka soon...)

(On Breaktime.)

Chattering

Nozomu: "Is that so?"

Student A: "Yeah, can you help me out with my homework? We can do it together!"

Nozomu: "...Maybe not. I'm quite busy with mine."

Student: "Oh, ok then.."

Step, step, step

Nozomu: "Hm."

Kuro: "Mr Okaya, was it? Mind if I could ask you something afterschool? If you have any problems with that."

Nozomu: "Oh, no no, I don't mind at all. Though, I may be late for something."

Kuro: "It's very much important though. I recommend you put that 'something' somewhere else."

Nomozu: "..."

Kuro: "..."

Nozomu: Sighs "Fine, as you say so."

Kuro: "Good."

Kuro: "Now, if you excuse me."

Step, step, step

Fangirling Student: "There he is!"

Fanboying Student: "Holy moly...so that's him."

"So cool!"

"I can't believe this!..."

"Look at him!"

"I didn't know the music substitute was this amazing looking!"

"Please have lunch with us!"

"No, he should have lunch with me!"

Nozomu: "This substitute..."

Nozomu: Glares "..."

Nozomu: "You sure quite a strange one."

...

(Rooftop)

Step, step, step

Kuro: Huff and puff

Kuro: (So much of them crowding me...)

Kuro: (But I managed to get an interrogation.)

Kuro: (Now, all I have to do is wait.)

Kuro: (It wouldn't be that bad at all, because...)

Kuro: Inhales... "I can finally read the best vampire bl novel in peace!"

Kuro: "Surely no one is here..."

Aqua: "..."

Kinugawa: "..."

Kuro: "...Oh." (There's someone here.)

#pjsk like #project sekai like #project singers #rain code #kuro starling #rain code oc #maria no danzai #oshi no ko #aquamarine hoshino #Nozomu Okaya #Kinugawa Tsuyoshi #crossover

[headofthedemonn]

October 1st

For some reason I thought I would feel better faster but that's not how things work obviously I had a rather peculiar nightmare last night after getting home late from work I was a wanderer and I stumbled upon this old hotel the second I entered a storm rolled in so I couldn't leave right away I plan on going into further detail later about this nightmare. My good friend from years ago sadly passed away I thought about him last night along with my little brother who also passed on I hope they got the chance to meet each other in heaven and honestly I hope they can't see what a mess I am down here I came to the realization that I'm truly alone if there is a chance that I'll meet people who genuinely care about me and will want to stay with me I'd be very happy when I lost my friend it didn't hit me right away but when it did I felt it in my chest he helped me in many ways but more importantly he was always honest he was indeed very rare a person because all I come across now are liars false confidence and calculated promises those who pretend to care you confide in someone tell them about the demons you faced in the dark and what you endured and then that same person will do exactly what you were afraid of and then left behind once again I continue to learn just how difficult it is to escape the phantoms of your former self they toll the bell of a sad memory all the night's I've spent alone in the dark in part has been the result of me encountering a abhorrent liar who seems near incapable of telling the truth I keep holding on to this idea that one day I'll find some good friends who genuinely care about and don't force feed me lies and false ideas and whoever my true love is he or she the first thing I'd want from that person above all else is honesty even if they think the truth might hurt my feelings its better to know the truth with good intent in the history of mankind there has never been a lie told with good intentions the way I see it. Everyone has left me again everything I've ever spoken with them about anything was just an illusion I probably should have lied too so that way I wouldn't be hurt but the way my brain works after all the physical and mental abuse I endured I told myself I can't lie because that hurts people like my own family lied to me about things for years people I thought cared about me time revealed their lies to me eventually in part I want those people to suffer for what they've done to me because in everything I told them the truth and they took an opportunity to hurt me why? I'm not sure I'll ever know the answer I want them to think about how all I wanted was to be close to people again after what I'd lost I want them to think about the times I cried for them when they told me about the things that hurt them that is even if it was the truth yes I'd want them to know unimaginable suffering until they die plagued by my presence in their dreams. But on the other hand I'd simply want them to be better people and before they practice anything else to improve they make learning to be honest at all time the first lesson because no matter the outcome lies destroy everything don't tell someone how much you care and then lie to that person as easily as you breathe don't say you'd never do something terrible like abandon that person without a word and then do it a few days later I'd want them to know that putting good into people and the world as a whole begins with the truth because the truth just like lies spread like wildfire breeding trust and security while lies bring pain of a grievous nature and once that lie is revealed that is your brand for all time someone who obsessively lies constantly I myself have to learn to forgive these people who have lied to me so easily and pretended to care about the things that haunt me because I don't want to be an angry person but it's difficult in truth I'd want them to be better people I'd like to meet them again unexpectedly one day in the future my hope is that when I see within them someone completely and utterly different than who I met in the past.

#captain's log

[catmarlowastrology]

Armie Hammer's Natal Promise (Predictive astrology)

This post was requested! I tried to connect his birth chart to what we know of him now and to find some astrological explanation for his actions. It took me a while to put all the pieces together, so sorry for the delay anon'! ^^ I'll maybe do another one about his personality in the future.

This is just my analysis and is for entertainment purposes only (don't sue me Armie)!

Natal Promise (Predictive astrology)

His Part of Fortune in the 4th house shows that he was born lucky. His family is pretty wealthy, and this is shown by his Part of Fortune in Virgo (an earth sign - material wealth). The ruler of the 4th house (Mercury) is in the 3rd house in the sign of Leo (fame, wealth).

His Midheaven in Pisces and the ruler Neptune in the 7th house show that most of what we would know of him would be idealized (Pisces) and would have something to do with his relationships (7th house). Jupiter, the ruler of his 7th house, is also in the 10th house.

Interestingly, Pisces rules over photography and the cinema and Armie is an actor.

His Midheaven is conjunct his Uranus/Lilith Midpoint. He will be known for his weird and dark sexual fantasies. Jupiter is also conjunct his Lilith/Midheaven Midpoint, expanding the dark sexual energy that would be linked to his reputation at some point in his life.

His Pluto/Midheaven midpoint is in the 7th house. So this is another placement that confirms that his relationships will have a huge impact on his career and his reputation.

Another thing that confirms this prediction is the energy present in his Midheaven Persona Chart. He has Neptune (lies, illusions) in the 10th house, Mars (aggression) in the 1st house, and Pluto (power struggles, destruction) in the 7th house. His Sun falls in the 12th house, showing that he will lose his career.

Jupiter in the 10th house shows luck and expansion in regards to his career and his status. He didn't have to struggle that much.

His Ascendant in Gemini at a critical degree (29°) is conjunct the fixed star Menkalinan. This star is mostly an unfortunate one. It predicts someone who will cause their own destructions due to their rash behavior.

The 29th degree is also a Leo degree predicting popularity and recognition.

The ruler of his Ascendant, Mercury, is conjunct the fixed star Al Jabhah. This star is described as someone who is a profound liar and predicts scandals. In Armie's case, it would be attached to his physical appearance. What he does with his body would result in a scandal.

Moon square his Midheaven is an indicator of a wobbly reputation. The Moon represents women in a man's chart and here we can see that they would create problems in regards to his reputation, career, and status.

Moon in the 12th house of hidden enemies is also another indicator that women would come out at some point and expose his ass.

Mars and Neptune in the 7th house bring aggressive passion and Neptunian fantasies into his relationship sector. It's also an indicator of divorce (Neptune dissolves anything it touches) and of potential arguments and violence in a relationship (done to him or by him).

Gemini risings often have multiple long-term relationships or marriages. In his case, this pattern is present 3 times: the 2 planets in his 7th house, Jupiter (the ruler of this house) badly aspected (it receives multiple squares and an opposition), and Sinistra conjunct his DC.

His Sagittarius Descendant at 29° is conjunct the fixed star Sinistra. This blew my mind because this star predicts an immoral and shameless nature. Since it is touching the DC, it would apply to his relationships.

Pluto in the 5th house predicts power struggles in regards to things he finds pleasurable (which would indicate sex). His Pluto receives trines and sextiles from multiple planets and other points in the chart. All those aspects give even more power and energy to his Pluto. Pluto at 5° would also indicate that at some point in his life, he would be known (5th degree - fame degree) for that.

The 7th house can show our open enemies. In this case, Mars and Neptune would represent courageous and passionate enemies. Neptune could also represent other actors or artists.

His North Node in Aries is conjunct the fixed star Baten Kaitos. It is another unfortunate star and tends to predict ruin and humiliation. In Armie's chart, it falls in the 11th house of community. People will reject him. What is interesting is that his South Node (past life) is in the 5th house. When I analyzed his SN Persona Chart, I saw that he had a pretty good and powerful past life (Sun conjunct MC, Pluto and Venus in 10th, Jupiter in the 2nd). It was all about him (5th house = self-expression), who he was and what he created. But in this life, he had to devote himself to the collective (which he didn't).

He might lose all his money at some point in his life. The Moon rules over the 2nd house and is in the 12th house.

#armie hammer #midpoints #astro notes #astro observations #fixed stars #predictive astrology #degree theory #pisces midheaven #mars in the 7th house #neptune in the 7th house

[tkdrawsstuff]

Idea: Having decided that Danny is having a bit too much fun, Vlad sets Valerie with a Hive Academy scholarship.

finally have some free time to answer this! (sorry it took so long)

Im not entirely sure how Vlad would get Valerie to go in the 1st place, vlad’s a manipulative liar, but he’s not that good at it cause he relies on his ghost powers too much(like if u know vlad’s half ghost u could see right thought his shit). so depending on if Valerie’s in on the secret or not i can see her refusing to go. 

but whatever, either val doesn’t know and falls for his lies or vlad finds some way to make her go like he did with danny.

so vals at H.A. , what happens?

like everything with val it depends on if she knows or not. 

In The Know Val- she joins up with danny in raising hell for H.A. by doing stuff like staging fights between themselves or pranking teachers. Vlad doesn’t realizes that he fucked up and now the teachers have to deal with the 2 of them.

In The Dark Val- the fucking angst potential is though the roof!!!! val thinks of herself as a hero, and she’s in a school for villains. she’d be treating it like she was undercover to stop Phantom’s “evil plot”. so no directly fighting him. she’d have to interact with phantom in non-hostile way constantly! and through that she’d start to realize that phantom is not only a not bad person, but a good one. especially if you add in most of the kids at H.A. not wanting to be villains but not having any other choose (whether that be them wanting to escape a worse situation, or an adult forcing/tricking/coerceing them into going) and the teachers/staff just using the kids for their powers/skills. and phantom calling the adults out on that bullshit cause he’s one of the few students that is safe enough to do so (he’s being “sponsored” by a big name villain, the staff can’t punish him like a “normal” student, don’t want to piss off Plasmius) that would fuck with val’s head and her simple black and white morality.

(if we’re talking horse mask danny that’s @jackalspine​ addition to this au, and i don’t want to step on their toes. so all i’ll say, is that i think that In The Know Val would also come up with a ridiculous villain persona and also troll everyone, In The Dark Val would probably become the wes of H.A.)

#Danny Phantom #dp #teen titans crossover #valerie

[vampire207343]

Xiao Yanli, Different lives

What if... After the death of the Girl-Who-lived, Marigold Dorea Potter she was reborn to seven different life to make up for the horrible Childhood as a gift from Lord Death after returning all 3 Hallows to Death.

The first life I had was when I was Marigold Potter the only daughter of Lily and James Potter. I lost both my parents at the age of 1 on the night of Hallow Eve, when we were attack by the Dark Lord known as Voldemort. It wasn't long after my parents death that I was sent to lived with my mother's hateful sister Petunia Dursley and her husband Veron Dursley who Abus me they have basicly made me their own slave until I was 7 years old and I was taken as the apprentice of Aoko Aozaki,

I trained under her until I was 12 years old before I enter Clock tower and I enter the department of creation, Modern Mage theory, and General Fundamentals. I have an Ex circuit Quality and having a duel Element of Creation and Fantasy. She also became a Master in the 5th Holy Grail War having manged to summon Gilgamesh the King of Heroes as Caster Servant. She was also the best cook of her time and she also learn the cooking style of Shiro Emiya.

My 2nd life, I was reborn as Phenex D. Ariana a Pirate and a member of the Spade Pirate under the Captain of Portgas D. Ace as it's cook and 2nd in command, she later became a Whitebeard Pirate along side her captain Ace who was also her boyfriend at that time. She died on the same day as her husband Portgas D. Ace's excution for being the son of Gol D. Roger. She died protecting her daughter Portgas D. Anne from a Marine Admirals. Before she took her last breath she in trust the safety of her daughter to her friend Marco the 1st commander of the Whitebeard. She lived her life to the Fullest, as Phenex D. Ariana later on as Portgas D. Ariana.

My 3rd life, I was reborn as Rin the small ward of the Great Demon Lord of the West Sesshomaru who raised Rin like his own pup. He taught her how to be a Great General and how to handel many different weapon like it was an extension of her hand that it became secound nature to Rin. She was courted by Kohaku the last male Demon Slayer, Sesshomaru allow him to court his adopted daughter Rin, they evenutally gotten married and left 1 son Arashi and 1 Dsughter Minako, by the time Rin died her two children was already 14 years old, and she died taking down a powerful Dragon Demon with her.

My 4th life, I was reborn as Uzumaki Hisana the younger twin sister of Uzumaki Kushina she and her sister are the Princess of the Uzumaki clan and when Hisana was 10 years old she was captured by a Kumo Shinobi and was saved by her male classmate Namikaze Minato. During the 3rd Shinobi war, she was known as Hisana the Red Angel of Death. She evenutally married Namikaze Minato after the war ended, they been married for 5 years when she gaved birth to their son Uzumaki-Namikaze Naruto, but during his birth a man claiming to be Madara Uchiha attack the Village with the help of the ninetail which is under the man's control. Minato planned to Sacrifice his life to seal the ninetail inside their son, but before Minato could seal the ninetail inside their son, Hisana knock out her husbsnd and did the seal sacrificing her own life so that her husband and son along with their village could survived.

My 5th life, I was reborn as Marinette Dupain-cheng the Hero of Paris Known as Ladybug. But she had enough of Lila Rossi's lies and with Hawkmoth gone their's nothing keeping her at staying in Paris not even her mother so she decided to go lived with her father again, Bruce Wayne along with her brothers. Her family was not happy to happen to her in Paris and Bruce was not impress with Sabine Cheng for beliving a liar than their own blood daughter who is a trrrible liar as a child and Adult. She evenutally end up getting married to Jon-Kent,

the son of Clark Kent and Lois Lane. Lila's lies are expose years later by then all their future are already ruwin all because of Lila's lies, they tried to apologize but they don't even known where Marinette is except for her mother Sabine who told them she lived with her father and brothers before she got married. They were all shock to learn Marinette is the only blood daughter of Bruce Wayne and she end up marring Jon-kent and they have 1 daughter Mara-El. Marinette didn't survived the Darkside envision which devested her husband, Brothers & Father to her death.

My 6th life, I was reborn as Alexsandra Starling the daughter of Hecate goddess of Magic I was one of her most powerful demigod child. I was known as Alexsandra the Slayer of the Kakaren, Minator, and Medusa. I died during the secound Giant War with Gea.

My 7th, current and last life I am reborn as the youngest daughter of Concubine Qin, Xiao Yanli the younger twin sister of Xiao Rou who was mostly ignored for befriending Huang Beiyue the 3rd daughter of their father.

During Rou, Yanli, and Beiyue's presentation when they were 6 years old so they could begin cultivation it was found out that Beiyue was unable to cultivation so everyone saw her as useless, but Xiao Yanli stayed as her friend.

Xiao Rou turn out to be a warrior like the rest of their family, while xiao Yanli the fifth miss has the spirital root of her bloodline having the Element of Fire, Lightning, Earth, Ice, Water, and Wind. That she has the potential of being a Warrior, Pharmacist and Summoner.

Yanli is even more powerful than her older half sister Xiao Yun who older than her by 2 years the 2nd miss of xiao and the favorite grandchild of their grandfather. Even if Yanli is the far superier Summoner between the two, her family still ignore her for being friends with Beiyue. Princess Royal Huiwen who is gratitude of Yanli for being her daughter's friend even when it was discover she was unable to cultivate so Princess Royal mostly raised Yanli like her own dayghter and pay for her own cultivation. And help her earn her own monry along with traing her as a powerful Summoner since Senoir Master Xiao is busy train Xiao Yun to help  Yanli.

With Princess Royal's help, Xiao Yanli is the most beautiful daughter of Xiao, which is making Concubine Xue and her brat of a daughter Yun seething with rage that Princess Royal would help the youngest daughter of Concubine Qin for being gratitude for Yanli being friends with Princess Royal's useless brat.

She was given by Princess Royal Huiwen a Sliver Snake pill grade 4 that brings out the best beauty a woman can have and must be taken at a young age she must take one until she turn 16 years old, by then she'll have grown to a beauty that her blood could afford her. Eye mind Pill where things she hear and read she'll remember forever for her study. Beauty Pill that should be taken when she turn 12 years old that would grant her ideal shape and fuller breast that by the time she should be 16 years old she would have attractive body shape. She also was given a bone washing pill to take on the stop since she has fragile body and she also given high grade Space ring for her use to keep pills in.

By the time Beiyue and Yanli were both eight years old, Princess Royal unexpectedly died suddenly without any explantion and her father Xiao Yuancheng has incur the wrath of the Emperor for the Hastel burrying Princess Royal Huiwen. It wasn't long before all the maids of Princess Royal left after her death except for Dingling Beiyue's personsl maid. And it wasn't long before father's concubines convince father to move Beiyue in Cloude providence  a run down shack. Mother and father dosen't allow me near Beiyue anymore, but I still help Beiyue when I can when I sent my personal maid Ying to gove food for Beiyue and Dongling without being seen by anyone.

By the time Yanli was 10 years old she has unknowingly gain the favor of her maternal grandfather counselor Chief Qi that he has been giving her allowance and Culravtion need she need and it didn't help that she is nothing like her mother Concubine Qin. And that she get along with Meng Hongling who's 1 year older than herself. The Qi household were also th e first one to ever taste her cooking for not even her mother and sibling has ever tasted her divine cooking.

By the time Yanli is 12 years old she was already a 5 star Summoner without a spirit beast of her own, she has been search for a spirit beast she like to have for a while before  challenging any spirit beast. She has been taking small quest for extra money to start building her own dowry since I doubt the Xiao can give a big dowry with her father Xiao Yuancheng's original earning was only 40 gold before he married Princess Royal which became 100 gold. Her grandfather Counselor Chief Qi agree that she should have a head start since Xiao Yuancheng's wouldn't have possibly able meet high dowry to marry up instead of down.

Xiao Yanli is strong enough to challenging a spirit Beast and I finally manged to tame a Spirit Beast of my own I have the Ice Dragon

Hyorimaru the spirit Beast that rival the strength and power of the Wuling Ice Bird Bingluan. Hyorimaru is a very prideful Ice Dragon, he would have never listen to me who had not defeat him in battle or someone weaker than himself that required someone's help to tame him, so when I made a contract with Hyorinmaru my cultivation shoot up that I'm now a 9 star Summoner like Crown Prince Huang Zhanye, while my half sister the secound daughter, Xiao Yun is still merely a 2 star summoner without any spirit beast of her own.

Yanli taught her older cousin Meng Hongling to be a better cook than their own maid that their grandfather request Yanli to teach their maids how to cook properly which Yanli agree to her grandfather's request. And who ever endup marring Yanli and Hongling they would be one lucky guy.

Yanli is taking class of Mount Archery, Painting, Military Strategy, Medicine, Summoner, and Pharmacist class which are quite eassy for Yanli since she already know most of her classshe sign up for in one of her previous life as Marigold Potter and Uzumaki Hisana.

Xiao Yanli recently became Enganged to the Crown Prince Zhanye with the approval of both her grandfather Senior Master Xiao and Counselor Chief Qi agree to the Engagment, even the Emperor aproved of Yanli to be Zhanye's future Empress.

1 year later...

Meng Hongling is now  officially engaged to the third Prince that she's now known as Princess Hongling like Yanli who officially got engaged last year to the crown Prince Zhanye.

And to celebrate the recent engagement of Hongling to the third Prince their having a party. Originally they were planning on inviting all the Xiao Children, until Yanli convince them otherwise that her older twin sister Xiao Rou chasing Boys and the 2 sister Xiao Yun would use anything to make Rou lose face by reminding everyone mother's past and indoing so Hongling and myself aswell, so they invited all the Xiao children with the exception of Xiao Yun.

Counselor Chief Qi can see what his secound favorite grand daughter mean about Xiao Rou being a boy crazy that she would approach a boy who is not even single like the third Prince. She is alot like his disgraceful daughter Qin and not on a good way.

Xiao Rou is jealous that jealous that her younger twin sister Yanli has gotten herself Enganged to the Crown Prince Zhanye with grandfather's approve and it dosen't make it any better that her older  cousin Hongling is now also Enganged to the third Prince as well, while she herself is still very much single. And 2nd sister Xiao Yun already gotten a Fiancee to Xue Che the former fiancee of Huang Beiyue herself, who's a 4 star Summoner.

5 months later...

It was found out that Concubine Xue is an accomplice on killing Princess Royal in order to steal her money for her own daughter Xiao Yun's cultivation in order to Level up as a Summoner, but Xiao Yuancheng gaved her the providence of miyang while he gaved the providence of Qinghe to Concubine Qin in order to make her two older childer Xiao Zhongqi and Rou's cultivation and cosmetic pill. The only one who escape punishment of stealing from the Royal family are Xiao Yanli, Concubine Fang, her daughter Xiao Ling, Xiao Zhonglei

And the moment Xiao Yanli the fifth daughter of Xiao found out what her parents did, she had want nothing to do with them that she disown herself from the Xiao. Counselor Chief Qi took his youngest granddaughter Yanli to his household that she is now known as Qi Yanli instead of Xiao Yanli.

Concubine Qin's crime on stealing from the Royal family and two of her children known the only who didn't was Yanli before she disown gerself from house Xiao. And Concubine Xue's crime on stealing the from the Royal family and accomplice with the murder of Princess Royal, both Concubines were banish from Nanyi Country and strip of their title as a noble.

The reminding Xiao Children who lost their mother was adopted by Concubine Fang and Senior Master Xiao came out of Retairment and became the Xiao Head once more in order to save his reminding family because of his son's stupidty along with his two arrogant Concubine they lost their noble statue.

Xiao Yun lost her spirit beast the Ice cat which the Emperor had it release back to the wild along with her cultivation pill the same could be said with both Rou and Zhongqi and put a stain in their name that Senior Master Xiao made Xiao Zhonglei the new Xiao Childe instead of Zhongqi who lost face because his crime on helping his mother steal from the Royal family.

3 years later...

Princess Huang Beiyue was 16 years old when she disappear from Nanyi Country without telling anyone where she's going not even her only maid and friend Dongling knows where she disappear to. The Emperor order everyone to Search for her for 2 years but no has been able to find Princess Beiyue.

(Princess Yanli is wearing this) (Wearing the necklace she made a while back)

Princess Qi Yanli took Dongling as her third maid after Princess Beiyue left Nanyi out telling anyone of her where about not even her most trusted maid who was privilege to cultivate unlike any other servants and she was also citizen in Nanyi so unlike other Slave servant she get pay for working and now that she work with Princess Yanli as well she was aloud to continue to cultivate like her two other maids Huian, and Changying. And it didn't help snything that Dongling is Princess Yanli's friend since Childhood with Briyue.

By then Prince Feng Lianyi has return to his home Country Beiyao for 3 years now when Beiyue disappear. After his term in Nanyi came to an end. Princess Yingye was Heartbroken to see Prince Yi leave and return to his home country, where he will have to fight for his life just to obtain his rightful place for the throne.

5 years later...

Qi Yanli is now 18 yesrs old and has gotten alot more beautiful with having Jade Skin and she's now a Divine Summoner Rank 3 along with her Hyorinmaru who's a Divine spirit Beast Rank 3.

Meng Hongling is now 19 years old and a Gold class Enchamtress and warrior. The war recently ended in Beiyao with Princess Yingye confessing her feelings for Princess Feng Lianyi who recently became the new King of Beiyao, he realized along time ago that Beiyue would never return his feelings for her when he confess before leaving Nanyi and she turn him down so he had time get over his feelings for Beiyue that he evenutally accpet Yingye's confession. They evenutally married since Princess Yingye was 20 years old by then and Lianyi was 24 years old.

Dongling who recently turn 20 years old got married to a Dukedom and an old friend of that Luoluo the new Duke of Bujiel that Princess Yanli release Dongling to bet married but she is still very loyal to Yanli for taking her in when Princess Beiyue left her.

3 years later...

Qi Yanli and Huang Zhanye finally got married when Yanli turn 20 years old by then Hongling is already married to the third Prince Last year when she turn 20 years. And by then Zhanye already ascended to the throne so when ge married Yanli he made her his Empress.

It was well known in the Palace that Emperor Zhanye only took his two Concubine Nuan and Concubine Ju.

Because of duty as he required to have atless have two Concubine, while his heart only truely belong to one woman and that is Empress Yanli who is a powerful Divine Summoner of the Ice Dragon Hyorinmaru. She is the strongest Famale Summoner and warrior of her generation. That non of the two Royal Concubine Nuan and Ju could ever think they would ever rival the Empress especially with the backing of her family.

It wasn't long before Empress Yanli gaved birth to a son Huang Jin the first born son of the Emperor and the legal born child of the Emperor. Empress kept his son's away from the Royal Concubine in fear that they would poison him just so that their own son became a legal born with Jin out of the way.

Unknown to the Royal Concubine that the Empress Yanli Hidden the facts from two Royal Concubine that she has became pregnant once again with the help of the Emperor and her two loyal maid. Yanli gaved birth to twins this time the oldest is a boy they name Huang Ryoga and the daughter was given the name Huang Jia. The empress kept her three children away from the Royal Concubine and train each of them to be a power Summoner and Warrior. Since Prince Huang Jin has a Dual Element of Fire and Lightning, Prince Huang Ryoga has a dual Element as well having a Fire and Water, while their only sister Princess Huang Jia has Fire and Earth Element.

By the time Prince Huang Jin the first Prince of Nanyi was 14 years old he was already a nine star summoner of the Fire Dragon. The two Royal Concubine find out that the Empress had two more children after her son Prince Jin was born their's the 4th Prince Huang Ryoga and his twin sister Princess Royal Huang Jia who are 12 years old who are both older than Prince Huang Ren son of Concubine Ju he was belived to be the 4th Prince until Prince Ryoga came out of hidding.

And the year after that Empress also reveal her secound daughter Princess Huang Lian who's older the 6th Prince Huang Leo son of Concubine Nuan.

Xiao Ling who evenutally end up marring a strick Duke Fu Xavier who she has two children with and they are Fu Chang the family childe and then their only daughter Fu Meilin the first daughter of Xavier, both are born legal children since Ling is the legal wife.

Xiao Rou and Zhongqi evenutally got married, but they are unable to marry up unlike their former sister Yanli and Ling for they lost alot of face when their mother's crime came out. And even Zhonglei married a woman from Dukedom like Ling and they have one daughter xiao Hualing.

7 years later..

The four children of the Empress grown into powerful Summoners like their parents the First Prince Jin who's now 21 years old got married to a woman by the name of Ye Lingyue

like their father the former Emperor Zhanye took only two concubine their's concubine Yue and Concubine Jade.

Empress Lingyue is a powerful summoner that would one rival Empress dowager in Streagth of Emperor Jin's own mother Qi Yanli. He already have a daughter with his Empress by the name Huang Mingyue and then their's her twin brother Huang Hong.

Xiao Yun tried to make a life outside Nanyi since she has no future as a Summoner to her home country that she run to Beiyao country and became a Servant in order to gain the favor of her master like her mother Concubine Xue who died 2 years after her Banishment. She tried to make a living in beiyao being only a 2 star summoner she didn't survive at Beiyao very long.

While no one had seen Huang Beiyue in a long time she living in Beiyao with her husband Monlian.

#Marigold potter (Fem!harry Potter) #portgas d. ace #marco the phoenix #marinette dupain cheng #Portgas D. Ace x Phenex D. Ariana #Kohaku x Rin (inuyasha) #Marinette Dupain-cheng x Jon-Kent #Namikaze Minato x Uzumaki Hisana #Xiao Yanli/Huang Zhanye #Feng Lianyi/Huang Yingye #Huang Beiyue/Monlian

[antiquery]

the other day I was talking to a friend and I said something like “the dream quest of unknown kadath, much like other epic fantasy of its type, honestly reads like someone’s rpg campaign that just went completely off the rails.” this is true.* because I have absolutely nothing better to do in quarantine, i have gone through the entire novel and empirically determined what rpg class randolph carter would be (sheet included). you’re welcome.

*inb4 “but el there’s only one protagonist”: I’ve played one-on-one d&d before and it can ABSOLUTELY work and be completely delightful, so hush.

GROUND RULES

I’m using 5th edition d&d, because it’s the system I’m most familiar with. stay tuned for the sequel, where I do this all over again but with pathfinder.

I’m also using UA stuff + some of the new things from explorer’s guide to wildemount, because dunamancy is very thematically lovecraftian.

carter is very clearly a seasoned adventurer in this story. textually, he’s only the fourth human to ever venture to unknown Kadath; additionally, “being old in the land of dream he counted on many useful memories and devices to aid him.” with such qualifications in mind, let’s go ahead and make him level 20. this is, after all, the sort of nonsense high-level PCs get up to— challenging gods and the like.

RACE: human, obviously. let’s go variant human, both to reflect his oddball nature & to pick up a 1st level feat. 

BACKGROUND: this one’s a bit trickier. according to Lovecraft he’s a resident of Beacon Hill in the waking world, the most upper-class neighborhood of Boston, so let’s say he’s got the noble background.

ALIGNMENT: an interesting question! carter isn’t exactly your standard fantasy hero, and he’s not really out for anyone but himself. he demonstrates a clear willingness to allow other people to come to harm in pursuit of his goals, though he himself never actually harms anyone for any reason other than self defense. but he’s interpersonally kind, and clearly doesn’t actually want anyone to get hurt. let’s say true neutral.

ABILITY SCORES

strength: not his best ability score, though he does seem to be fairly athletic when it’s absolutely needed. let’s make this a 10.

dexterity: carter is fast on his feet, nimble, and clearly good at feats of escape, which he pulls off several times in the text. let’s make this his highest score, at a 20.

constitution: he’s not especially tough. another 10.

intelligence: carter speaks several languages and knows a great deal about the history and culture of the Dreamlands. when he can’t talk his way out of trouble, he tends to reason his way out. let’s make this pretty high, though not as high as his charisma— a 16.

wisdom: this one’s a bit tricky. while he’s relatively perceptive and skilled at things that depend on wisdom, he doesn’t seem to have a ton in the way of common sense, and (as demonstrated by his encounter with the merchant in dylath-leen) his insight is absolutely abysmal. let’s make this a 12.

charisma: carter’s pretty sociable with just about every creature he encounters on his travels; people seem to like him, and he has friends all over. additionally, he’s an excellent liar, and quite persuasive, when simple likeability doesn’t get him where he needs to go. let’s make this an 18.

SKILLS

survival: carter clearly knows his way around the natural world.

“Carter detoured at the proper place, and heard behind him the frightened fluttering of some of the more timid zoogs. He had known they would follow him, so he was not disturbed; for one grows accustomed to the anomalies of these prying creatures. It was twilight when he came to the edge of the wood, and the strengthening glow told him it was the twilight of morning.”

deception: when carter can’t get his way through persuasion, he’s more than happy to lie, and quite skilled at it too.

“Then Carter did a wicked thing, offering his guileless host so many draughts of the moon-wine which the zoogs had given him that the old man became irresponsibly talkative.”

“For a week the strange seamen lingered in the taverns and traded in the bazaars of Celephaïs, and before they sailed Carter had taken passage on their dark ship, telling them that he was an old onyx-miner and wishful to work in their quarries.”

religion: carter displays an impressive knowledge of the workings of both the gods of the dreamlands and the outer gods (though the latter might actually be better classified as an arcana skill, now that i think about it).

“Now the use of all this in finding the gods became at once apparent to Carter. It is known that in disguise the younger among the Great Ones often espouse the daughters of men, so that around the borders of the cold waste wherein stands Kadath the peasants must all bear their blood. This being so, the way to find that waste must be to see the stone face on Ngranek and mark the features; then, having noted them with care, to search for such features among living men. Where they are plainest and thickest, there must the gods dwell nearest; and whatever stony waste lies back of the villages in that place must be that wherein stands Kadath.” 

“He knew, however, that no beings as nearly human as these would dare approach the ultimate nighted throne of the daemon Azathoth in the formless central void.”

“[...] for he knew from old tales that the Great Ones’ castle atop unknown Kadath is of onyx.”

“And they sang many songs and told many tales, shewing such strange knowledge of the olden days and the habits of gods that Carter could see they held many latent memories of their sires the Great Ones.”

“Carter surmised from old tales that he was indeed come to that most dreadful and legendary of all places, the remote and prehistoric monastery wherein dwells uncompanioned the high-priest not to be described, which wears a yellow silken mask over its face and prays to the Other Gods and their crawling chaos Nyarlathotep.”

investigation: in the taverns of dylath-leen and elsewhere, carter shows a remarkable facility for collecting useful information. 

“Meanwhile he did not fail to seek through the haunts of far travellers for any tales they might have concerning Kadath in the cold waste or a marvellous city of marble walls and silver fountains seen below terraces in the sunset.”

history: same principle as arcana, really; a huge chunk of the information we get about the dreamlands comes with the mention that carter himself knows all this.

"[Carter] recognised the templed terraces of Zar, abode of forgotten dreams; the spires of infamous Thalarion, that daemon-city of a thousand wonders where the eidolon Lathi reigns; the charnal gardens of Xura, land of pleasures unattained, and the twin headlands of crystal, meeting above in a resplendent arch, which guard the harbour of Sona-Nyl, blessed land of fancy.” 

“The dead temples on the mountains were so placed that they could have glorified no wholesome or suitable gods, and in the symmetries of the broken columns there seemed to lurk some dark and inner meaning which did not invite solution. And what the structure and proportions of the olden worshippers could have been, Carter steadily refused to conjecture.”

“At last far below him he saw faint lines of grey and ominous pinnacles which he knew must be the fabled Peaks of Thok.”

“And Carter knew right well what they must be, for legend tells of only one such twain. They were the changeless guardians of the Great Abyss, and these dark ruins were in truth primordial Sarkomand.“

perception: despite his consistent failure to notice when people are lying to or tricking him, carter’s fairly observant of everything else.

“He noticed that these cottages [on the moon] had no windows, and thought that their shape suggested the huts of [the Inuit].*”

nature: concordant with his apparent skill in surviving in the world, carter is quite good at recognizing different natural phenomena.

“As the coast drew nearer, and the hideous stench of that city grew stronger, he saw upon the jagged hills many forests, some of whose trees he recognised as akin to that solitary moon-tree in the enchanted wood of earth, from whose sap the small brown zoogs ferment their peculiar wine.”

“They were not any birds or bats known elsewhere on earth or in dreamland, for they were larger than elephants and had heads like a horse’s. Carter knew that they must be the shantak-birds of ill rumour, and wondered no more what evil guardians and nameless sentinels made men avoid the boreal rock desert.”

persuasion: people tend to like carter quite a lot, and he excels at getting his way without resorting to violence.

“The captain, after landing, made Carter a guest in his own small house on the shore of Yath where the rear of the town slopes down to it; and his wife and servants brought strange toothsome foods for the traveller’s delight.”

“After much persuasion the ghoul consented to guide his guest inside the great wall of the gugs’ kingdom.”

“And all through that second day he made progress in knowing the men of the ship, getting them little by little to talk of their cold twilight land, of their exquisite onyx city, and of their fear of the high and impassable peaks beyond which Leng was said to be.”

“The ghoul that was Pickman glibbered gravely with its fellows, and in the end Carter was offered far more than he had at most expected.“

athletics: despite his apparently mediocre strength score, carter’s rather good at feats of athleticism (running long distances, climbing, etc)

“But there was a way, and he saw it in due season. Only a very expert dreamer could have used those imperceptible foot-holds, yet to Carter they were sufficient.”

“For hours he climbed with aching arms and blistered hands, seeing again the grey death-fire and Thok’s uncomfortable pinnacles. At last he discerned above him the projecting edge of the great crag of the ghouls, whose vertical side he could not glimpse; and hours later he saw a curious face peering over it as a gargoyle peers over a parapet of Notre Dame.”

“Once he thought he heard the hoofbeats of the frightened beast, and doubled his speed from this encouragement. He was covering miles, and little by little the way was broadening in front till he knew he must soon emerge on the cold and dreaded desert to the north.”

acrobatics: the multiple times over the course of the story carter falls from great distances, he manages to land on his feet. additionally, he’s apparently an accomplished climber, so make of that what you will.

stealth: as one might expect from a character who’s so used to going at problems slantwise, carter is very good at sneakery. 

“There was one chance that Carter might be able to steal through that twilight realm of circular stone towers at an hour when the giants would be all gorged and snoring indoors, and reach the central tower with the sign of Koth upon it, which has the stairs leading up to that stone trap-door in the enchanted wood.”

“Carter allowed his curiosity to conquer his fear, and crept forward again instead of retreating. Once in crossing an open street he wriggled worm-like on his stomach, and in another place he had to rise to his feet to avoid making a noise among heaps of fallen marble. But always he succeeded in avoiding discovery, so that in a short time he had found a spot behind a titan pillar whence he could watch the whole green-litten scene of action. “

FEATS

lucky: what it says on the tin; carter’s luck is extraordinary. multiple times during the novel, he’s saved from certain doom by a stroke of happy chance.

observant: a huge part of the text’s travelogue sense comes from carter noticing specific and responding to specific elements of his surroundings.

mobile: again, carter’s very quick and hard to pin down. sort of an extension of the idea behind giving him athletics proficiency, & one of his class features.

LANGUAGES

goblin: “Carter, however, had no fear; for he was an old dreamer and had learnt [the Zoogs’] fluttering language and made many a treaty with them.” small carnivorous pack-hunting creatures with a primitive society and language of their own sound pretty goblin-like to me.

celestial: when he reads them, carter is "disappointed by [...] the meagre help to be found in the Pnakotic Manuscripts and the Seven Cryptical Books of Hsan.” since these texts all concern the gods of the Dreamlands, we can safely assume they’re written in celestial.

undercommon: “A man he had known in Boston—a painter of strange pictures with a secret studio in an ancient and unhallowed alley near a graveyard—had actually made friends with the ghouls and had taught him to understand the simpler part of their disgusting meeping and glibbering.” honestly, what is the vale of pnath if not the underdark? it’s got cities and everything!

MISC. PROFICIENCIES

vehicles (water): “The sea party, commanded by Carter, boarded the anchored galley and rowed out to meet the undermanned galley of the newcomers.” not sure where he learned to sail— the miskatonic crew team, maybe, or summers on the cape?

thieves’ tools: never shows up in canon, but come on, obviously he’s got some trap-disarming/lock-picking ability! 

CLASS

BARD 11 / COLLEGE OF LORE

we know from the paratext of his narrative that carter is an artist— he’s a novelist, and a talented one at that. even here, though, his relevance and abilities are in large part due to his creative capabilities as a dreamer. it’s not exactly traditional barding, but I’d argue that what is a bard if not someone whose creativity reshapes the world? whether that takes place through the medium of music or just through the raw power of imagination is more a question of internal distinction than anything.

the college of lore is all about the seeking after of knowledge and beauty, forbidden or not. these bards are absolutely focused on the pursuit of truth at any and all costs, sometimes to their own demise. if there’s a better college for a doomed dreamer on a quixotic quest after something fleeting and beautiful, I don’t know it. here are some of the places in the text carter acts particularly college of lore-y:

“Carter felt that the lore of so far a traveller must not be overlooked.”

“At last, having gained all the information he was likely to gain in the taverns and public places of Baharna...”

“It was from these children of the exiled hill-people that Carter had heard the best tales about Ngranek when searching through Baharna’s ancient taverns.“

“And as that music grew, the shantak raised its ears and plunged ahead, and Carter likewise bent to catch each lovely strain. It was a song, but not the song of any voice. Night and the spheres sang it, and it was old when space and Nyarlathotep and the Other Gods were born. [...] Faster flew the shantak, and lower bent the rider, drunk with the marvels of strange gulfs, and whirling in the crystal coils of outer magic. Then came too late the warning of the evil one, the sardonic caution of the daemon legate who had bidden the seeker beware the madness of that song.“

ROGUE 9 / SCOUT

we mentioned above carter’s clear facility with the natural world, but more than that, his way of confronting (or not) the various sticky situations in which he finds himself is decidedly roguish. he sneaks about rather than plunge into a fight he knows he can’t win; he enlists other people to fight for him; he’s profoundly strategic about what conflicts does and doesn’t engage with, martial or otherwise. rogues are all about fighting smart, not hard; scouts in particular are all about self-sufficiency and solitary capability. I was actually torn between scout or inquisitive for his roguish archetype, considering as inquisitives are very much focused on detection, perception, and investigation— but ultimately inquisitives are far, far better at reading people than carter is, to the extent that one of their core class features relies on it. so, scout it is!

SPELLS 

and here we get into somewhat trickier territory, because our dear protagonist is not himself especially magical. I’m taking a little bit of liberty here for the sake of plausibility as a player character. we know from the text that carter is able to manipulate the world around him, if only subconsciously, because he’s a gifted dreamer. I tried to reflect that idea in his spell list, giving him a mix of enchantment and transmutation spells, with a few psychic damage and divination tricks thrown in. an important note: I can’t imagine carter casting spells like a regular bard, playing music or reciting poetry or giving a speech; instead, I imagine it would look a lot more like how your average sorcerer does things, re-writing reality through sheer force of will.

cantrips: minor illusion, mind sliver, mage hand, prestidigitation

1st level (4 slots): charm person, sleep, identify, longstrider, speak with animals

2nd level (3 slots): enlarge/reduce, enhance ability, suggestion, wristpocket

3rd level (3 slots): blink, clairvoyance, psionic blast, tongues

4th level (3 slots): charm monster, polymorph

5th level (2 slots): commune, legend lore

6th level (1 slot): eyebite

and there we have it! randolph carter the true neutral human 11th level bard/9th level rogue. I took the liberty of writing up his finished sheet (art credit @sator-the-wanderess​), which you can find viewable below as well. if anyone wants to actually play this version of carter (or a leveled down version) or use him in their game, please do, and please let me know!

LINK TO PDF CHARACTER SHEET

#lovecraft #cthulhu mythos #randolph carter #the dream quest of unknown kadath #i reread the WHOLE STUPID NOVEL for this #while blasting the witcher soundtrack on loop #best way to spend a wednesday evening easily #tabletop blogging #el the DM #(is i suppose now my tag for my own tabletop nonsense) #o do not ask what is it

[treasure-my-aurora]

Take my Breath Away

A/n: I’m sorry if this is messy. I tried to copy and paste it as quickly as I could to let people without an account on Ao3 continue to read my fanfics since I’ve locked them all over there.

♥ Pairing: Choi San/Jung Wooyoung

♣ Summary: Drabble-ish time stamps following San and Wooyoung’s relationship

♠ Rated: E

♦ Words: 28,739

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They were just teenagers when they met each other for the first time, at the audition for KQ Entertainment new boy group. Both with black awkwardly chopped hair, uneven teeth, thin and a bit gangly. Disproportionated, like teenagers are. San couldn't dance and Wooyoung’s voice was still shaking when he tried to sing. So young that they were still questioning if this was the path that they really wanted to walk down, when the nights were dark and the anxiety that filled their minds even darker. Fighting every morning they woke up, with willpower alone to fulfil their dream. Wooyoung had the experience, newly exchanged from Big Hit entertainment when their plan for him didn’t match his aspirations, and San had the ambition, the voice, visuals and confidence needed for an idol. Wooyoung’s face flushed when he reached out to shake San’s hand and the smile that the other gave him made butterflies flutter happily in his stomach. There was a four-month age difference between them, but San insisted for Wooyoung to drop the honorifics when it automatically slipped through his lips in a middle of a sentence. Wooyoung’s face flushed again, he looked away with a shy smile on his lips and the days passed swiftly. The group was formed, and they worked even harder. Trained together, sang together, ate together, showered together and more often than not, slept in the same bed together. San quickly became the one that Wooyoung went to when things were bothering him, the one he sought out when he needed someone to laugh with, the only one who could match his intensity and energy. The way only they bounced around each other was incomparable with any other member and in the middle of joking around, playing games, working their asses off at every monthly assessment and training until their feet bruise - they truly found each other. San was the mountain that Wooyoung constantly could lean on, the one he needed to be able to stand upright when the management was pressing them harder. In return, Wooyoung was the streaming river that San could draw energy from, ever flowing around him, strong and quick and everything San wanted to become. They became friends when they realized that they were more alike each other than any other member, and soulmates when they finished off each other’s sentences and did most things in sync after only four months, more or less acting like they’d lived together for twenty years. It was unbelievably amazing to have find someone at that young age. Empowering for the soul and absolutely terrifying for the body, because with that age came hormones and emotions - two things that there was no time to even think about and even though neither of them wanted to, they quickly shut down everything they felt. Only allowed it to slip out when they lost themselves in thought and couldn’t help themselves from drawing closer to the other, like there was a thin invisible string that connected their bodies. ---

17:32

San was resting in his bed, cuddling with his many, many plushies while browsing through a comic book, knew perfectly well that he should probably pick up the textbook on Japanese that rested at his side and study instead. He pouted, sighed deeply, considered the consequences for a few seconds before he decided that the comic book isn’t worth the scolding. He was just about to roll over when a familiar figure rounded the corner to his and Yunho’s bedroom. “San-ah, I’m bored” Wooyoung whined loudly and San sat up enough to lean against his arms instead before he rolled his eyes to the expression on the younger’s face. “I’m studying, go away” He said and stuck out his tongue before laying down again. The lie would’ve worked if it wasn’t for the smile that tugged on his lips, a smile that Wooyoung saw just before his friend laid down. He squinted at said friend and closed the distance between them in a few quick strides before he jumped up with one foot on the ladder at the side as an aid, to join his friend on the bed. “Liar” The younger scolded, hit San’s leg with a soft flick of his wrist to make place and moved a few plushies aside before he lied down next to the older, stealing the place from said plushies as the cuddler with one arm and leg thrown over his friends’ body. Eyes dark and big like a fawn’s and something stirs in San’s stomach when he meets them, barely three decimetres from his face. “Entertain me” The younger said shortly, like he was a prince in the 1st century BC and San existed only to please him. San just scoffed and shook his head, broke their gaze and focused it on the textbook in his hands instead. “Entertain yourself Woo, I still gotta study even if I’ve only procrastinated so far” Wooyoung pouted, San saw it in his peripheral, fluttered his eyelashes and said with his sweetest voice. “Pretty, pretty please hyung, I’m so, so bored that I’d let you do anything with me” Something shifted in San’s body. Something raw and ancient and real and so, so bad, that his body froze, and he could feel how he gripped the book tighter when his friend smiled bright. He suddenly felt trapped underneath the youngers limbs. Shook him off and quickly sat up again. Cleared his throat, a bit more awkward than he liked to admit while putting the book aside. “Sure, let’s play a game” Wooyoung doesn’t seem to notice the awkwardness that San felt and sits up as well just as the older turned around, wet his lips and proceed to start a game of Di Bi Di Bi Dib, calmed his racing, confused heart and smiled softly when Wooyoung threw a small adorable tantrum when he lost at the first turn.

11:25

San was singing in the shower and it echoed through the thin walls of their dorm. It made Wooyoung pause the game he was playing, and he furrowed his brows as he tried to make out the words in the American song. He swallowed, sighed and something about the sadness in San’s voice told him that it was a ballad. Maybe about lost love. Maybe about someone who doesn’t love him back. Wooyoung could only understand snippets of it but he still found himself humming along when San sang the chorus again, earned a surprised look from his long-time friend, who sat across from him on the lower bunk bed. “Shut up” The younger whispered under his breath and Yeosang flicked his head, a teasing smile on his lips but he doesn't say anything. Wooyoung wet his lips while he looked back down on the small screen he was holding. Tried to start up the game again, but it was only a façade, because he was listening, wondered why San never sang like this when they were together. Almost shivered because his friend was so talented is kind of scared him... San stopped a few minutes later after he’d repeated the song a couple of times, exited the shower and Wooyoung just caught his figure as he walked past the bedroom, a towel around his hips and hair still wet. Wooyoung swallowed hard, caught Yeosang’s eyes again and the older of the two just shook his head again, a look of disbelief on his face. But he still doesn’t say anything and Wooyoung was thankful when he got back to the game the two were playing.

19:52

Summer. The evening sun painted the sky in an explosion of pastel colours and San’s cheeks were matching the deep red between the bright yellow and the dark blue above the clouds. His hand were holding a friend. His heart were tugging in confusion. “Why did you invite me to join you?” He asked, scared of the answer. Worried that the question was stupid. That friend of his, just four months younger but with twice as much charisma and personality, according to San himself, giggled and the sound of it made him smile back. As if he couldn’t stop himself. “I just wanted to watch the stars with you, silly” San frowned and looked at the lowering sun, knew with experience from watching countless sunsets, that it would be at least another hour until the sky would be covered in stars. “But…” He started, intended to ask why Wooyoung had stubbornly begged him to join him now and not at a better time but his friend didn’t let him. “Don’t ruin my future memory” He said with a stern voice and hushed him with a finger over his lips. A twinkle in those gorgeous eyes of his.

21:46

“You’re cute, you know, that right?” San's voice was hoarse, almost too honest to be comfortable. Wooyoung stifled a giggle behind his hand. Unsure of the certainty of the other’s words. His heart flipped hard and something unfamiliar boiled in his stomach when San looked at him from his place on floor, propped up against the wall in the middle of the hallway that ran through the whole dorm. One eyebrow raised as he looked at Wooyoung with slightly hooded eyes. Lips tugging up in a lopsided smirk and the sudden feeling of butterflies in the youngers stomach was frightening, strange and he seemed to freeze at the spot while watching the older. Felt how those butterflies flew upwards, clogged his throat and made his breath hitch as a hazy alluring mist of what could only be described as attraction poured over him, like a cold shower. He felt his smile faltered slightly when San stuck his tongue out before he brought the bottle of cheap, light beer that he held in a tight grip, back to his lips. “Why are you drinking?” Wooyoung cleared his throat and tried to shake the uncomfortable distressed feelings that clouded his mind but was only met with a shrug. “Why not? It’s Saturday, we’re nineteen. I should be out there, partying with people our age. But…” He frowned and stood up, slowly and steadily while leaning against the wall. Almost knocking out the three already empty bottles at his side. He cleared his throat and paused, as if he lost the dialogue in a train of thought and Wooyoung reached his hand out for his friend to take. “But you don’t have any friends?” He finished with a grin and San squinted at him, debated in his mind if he wanted to get angry or not, decided that it was too much work and grabbed Wooyoung’s warm hand with a scoff. “I have friends… I have you”

13:26

“Why do you always see the best in me?” It was the middle of September and just weeks until their debut. Wooyoung’s hair was a beautiful violet and now at the moment, when the Moroccan sun was at its highest, he looked just like San had always envisioned an angel to look like. “Of course, I always see the best in you, why wouldn’t I?” Wooyoung asked confused, maybe even a bit hurt. Frowned as he ate his lunch underneath the tenth that protected them from direct sunlight. San felt his cheeks heat up, pursed his lips in thought at where exactly he wanted the sentence that just slipped out of his mouth to go. Sometimes, like now, for instance, he didn’t think before he spoke and at the moment, he didn’t know what to say to his defence. “I mean…” He paused again, drank some water to buy more time and fiddled with the cap while he continued. “I mean… how can you see so much good when there’s so much bad?” He asked and ducked his head to inspect his shoes instead, worried that Wooyoung, his friend, his best friend, would just scoff and walk away. “San-ah… you don’t mean that?” He was pouting and a deep sigh escaped his lips when San nodded, quietly. Happy that the tenth they stood under was empty for the time being or he would’ve died with shame. Without a warning, Wooyoung’s arms were wrapped around his frame. Hugging him tight. Like he never ever planned on letting him go. “You are so good that there isn’t one ounce of bad in you. Don’t say such things about yourself” He sounded so sincere that San could almost believe the words he spoke. That he was good, as a person and at what he was doing. Too bad that familiar voice in the back of head reminded him that it wasn’t the case. It wasn’t the case at all.

16:12

“Have you ever wished that you could rewind something?” Wooyoung asked, resting on his back on the sofa. His head in San’s lap. Both of them watching TV just before going to bed a few days after their debut. San thought back on the past days, the rush that still ran through their veins. The hope and dream they’d been holding on to for so long finally realized. “Yeah…” He said back, thoughtfully, fingers playing with the washed out, now lilac, soft hair of the other and tried to block out how amazingly perfect it sounded when Wooyoung’s breath hitched as he softly pulled on the strands.

11:13

“Does this shirt look ugly on me?” San’s voice was unsure and he clicked his tongue, unsatisfied when he checked his figure from every possible angle in the mirror, tucked it into his pants, untucked it again. His motions quick and frustrated. Wooyoung looked up from the twitter feed on his phone, glanced over at his best friend over the edge of his glasses from his half sitting position on the bed on the opposite side of the room. San met his eyes in the mirror. His jaw was clenched. He expected an answer. But Wooyoung’s mouth went dry when he locks gaze with those intense dark eyes. He bit his cheek, swallowed hard, quickly collect some courage and was just on the verge of answering when San exhaled a sigh, looked away, tucked the shirt into his pants again and exited the bedroom without another word.

18:46

A few days after Christmas and Wooyoung inspected himself in the bathroom mirror, his fingertips pressed hard underneath his chin bones to make the edge of his jawline even more prominent. Did he gain weight again? His thoughts were interrupted. “Youngie?” A happy voice he recognized so well resonated in his being and he quickly let his arms fall back to his sides again. “What are you doing?” The voice was worried, scared of the answer it already knew. Wooyoung looked over at San, the source of said voice. Met his frown, the way his eyebrows wrinkled, the sadness in his smile and wished so hard that he knew what to do to turn that smile into a happy one again. But he didn’t know what to do. Didn't know what to say to defend the dark thoughts that daily echoed inside his head. The ones that flooded his bloodstream like thick black tar. Forced himself not to scratch at his own skin when the feeling spread and walked past his friend, who stood aside, silent but reluctant. Keeping his hands in the pockets of his sweatshirt to stop himself from accidentally reaching out.

22:08

Seoul were cold in the winters and that big dorm of theirs heated up slowly on especially cold days. They had good radiators, but the windows were poorly isolated and the chill from a constant breeze of cold wind was just on the edge of being bearable. Wooyoung sat huddled with his members on the sofa, everyone cuddled under two shared duvets, some with a hot mug of tea in hand, and an action movie on the tv. Their leader and youngest were fast asleep already, his long-time friend rested on one shoulder, holding onto the arm that wasn’t occupied with the lifesaving hot beverage. The oldest of the bunch snuggled up on the other side of said long-time friend, holding onto him and salvaging the rare time of not being rejected. A familiar, special other friend leaned against his other side, nestled against his frame, with his head resting on his shoulder so that Wooyoung’s arm was free to occasionally bring the mug to his lips. That black hair with faded red streaks of his tickled against his chin and he would’ve minded, ticklish as he was, if it wasn’t for the fact that he only had to inhale and that wonderful smell that was just him, just San, entered his body. Rushed through him like a drug and he brought the hot mug of tea to his lips again to suppress the deep contented sighs that threatened to escape his lips.

01:00

That same night and San was sitting on the windowsill in the bedroom he shared with Yunho. Watched as the snowflakes covered the landscape outside. Some of them got stuck against the frame of the window and he poked the glass with an almost childlike fascination, like he’d be able to touch the small masterpiece with his fingertip. Yunho muttered, drowsy and half asleep, that he should go to bed since they had to be up early that morning and San knew it was true. Knew that he’d be tired as hell when his alarm would ring in a few hours. But he wasn’t tired. He kept repeating that moment in his head, like a silent movie, as it went faster and faster and made him dizzy. Of Wooyoung’s breathing against his ear. The rise and fall of his chest against his back. The gulping noise he’d made when he swallowed his tea. The way he’d sighed against the back of his neck. The way San had to bite down on his lower lip to stop the nasty, filthy thoughts that entered his mind like a foggy smoke, painting up vivid pictures of that sweet sigh in a different situation. The way that strong chest would rise and fall underneath his fingertips, with the younger placed in his lap. San would try his utmost to be quiet, to not drench out those wonderful noises the other would make with his own moaning.

21:06

Minutes after the concert was over. They were warm, sweaty from dancing and singing their hearts out. Proud to have finished yet another performance. Proud of their fans still screaming their names. Proud of themselves. Proud of each other. “Sannie, you have confetti in your hair” Wooyoung’s voice was light when he spoke, almost like he was still singing. His touch was soft, barely noticeable as he removed the paper from its place between the black and red locks. San wet his lips, mouth dry from singing and the way the younger smiled at him afterward. Placed the paper in a nearby trash bin so that staff doesn’t have to clean up after him. San gulped and murmured a “Thanks” before he looked away again. Scared that his heartbeats are just as loud as he can hear in his own ears. Scared that Wooyoung will notice that the redness that just appeared in his face wasn’t there when they got off the stage. Scared that the feeling of tiny fireworks exploding in the pit of his stomach was going to make him puke.

23:57

“I’m not used to this yet” Wooyoung met the eyes of the other, the small insecure smile on his lips when they folded up the bedsheets and prepared to go to bed. He seemed to regret the words he just said, his lips pursed as he looked away, flustered. “Not used to what?” The younger of the two asked. That too familiar, deep, twisted voice that scratched on the back of his head said that he’d done something wrong and now his friend had changed his mind about being his roommate for the night. Changed his mind about wanting to be close to him. “This hotel life… I’m not used to it” “Oh” He didn’t know what to say. Cringed hard on the inside for the stupid thoughts that’d been planted in his mind. Unsure if San just wanted to vent, if he wanted Wooyoung to agree with him, or if he wanted him to ask some kind of follow up question. “Sorry. I… I really shouldn’t complain, right?” San chuckled. But it sounded forced since the situation wasn’t funny and the blush that followed was even more painful than the sigh he let out when the atmosphere quickly turned awkward. “You can sleep in my bed if you want” Wooyoung wanted to slap himself when San looked up again and met his eyes with a small frown. “I… I mean, we can share… if you want. I really don’t mind. Not with you” He clenched his jaw. Cursed himself with the knowledge that he only dug himself further down into a grave he wouldn’t be able to climb out off. “Sure. I could use the company. But Shiber is joining as well” San said and the smile on his face was as bright as the sun, automatically making the other of the two smiles back. Unable to stop himself from sighing with relief. The older killed the lights, the dog plushie in a tight grip against his chest when he joined his friend underneath the covers. Their legs tangled together, and San lazily placed his arm around Wooyoung, and they quickly fell into a position they knew they both liked. Wooyoung with his head on San’s arm, nuzzling his nose into the swell of his shoulder and San’s hand automatically went up to play with Wooyoung’s hair in the back of his neck. Both acted like sleeping next to each other wasn’t natural to them, except it really was, they had shared bed countless times. With each other, with the other members. They pretended that it wasn’t, because they wanted to be stronger than they were. But they knew that they needed it, knew that they needed each other. Right now, in the dead of the night as much as any other time. When it was cold and when they needed comfort. In the past when the pressure of debuting and hardship of training became too much and the whole world was too dark and the heat from someone else, pressed with their face against soft skin with muscles that was already strong from years of training, was the only thing that could block it all out.

00:19

Wooyoung laid in his bed. Quietly watched the ceiling above him while Yeosang restlessly moved around in the bed underneath his, eventually found a comfortable position and finally fell asleep. But he, himself, couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t find the way to the comforting place he usually went when it was time to rest. His mind repeated the same memory for probably the hundredth time again, even though it was a few hours ago, he still closed his eyes and felt how his heart skipped a beat. They’d celebrated their first comeback with champagne that might have been a bit too strong and tasted nothing like he’d expected champagne to taste. They’d been laughing, dancing, singing along to their own music, played from the speakers of Wooyoung’s phone, until eventually, one member after another had gone to their rooms. Happiness still rushing through them, but their busy schedule in combination of getting slightly tipsy allowed drowsy sleepiness to overtake them quickly. The way San’s eyes were slightly hooded as he embraced him. Wrapping his arms around his body and invited him to dance closer. That certain way that only he could smile and Wooyoung was unsure if it was the dangerous sparkle in the other’s eyes or the fizzing drink that made him feel like he was stumbling on clouds. They held each other close, all alone, while swaying back and forth to the music that was still playing. “I wish I could stay with you like this forever” Something sincere and serious shadowed his face, overtaking the teasing tugging in those devilish lips of the older and Wooyoung giggled, looked away and felt how the tips of his ears heated up, thinking that San was only joking around. “Forever is a long time” He said and closed his eyes to just feel when his favourite part of the song came. Felt how San’s body pressed up against his. Felt how he lightly parted Wooyoung’s thighs with his leg to get even closer. Felt how the alcohol buzzed in his blood, pulsating through his body. Felt how he seemed to move without thinking, to the rhythm of the music and lost himself in the mindless pleasure of just existing without any trouble on his mind. Felt how San arched his body back while he held him in a secure grip, with his arms locked around his waist. Felt how San’s soft lips pressed on that big artery just underneath his ear. Felt how those lips pressed another kiss underneath his jaw, how he breathed out a small gasp of hot air on the same spot. Felt how amazingly good those lips on his skin felt. Shuddered as he remembered how many times, he’d wished those lips to just press onto his. “Sorry” A hushed whisper broke the magic between them, and San gave him a pained expression before he turned on his heel. Wooyoung was left alone on the living room. The last verse of “Light” was playing and he swallowed hard. His heart were rushing, head spinning and the arousal that had started to build up in his body made him breathless. He stroked the small spot on his neck that still seemed to burn. Bit down on his tongue to suppress a choked sigh.

15:36

The end of January and Wooyoung’s hair was blonde. San gulped when he met the other’s eyes as he got back to the dorm, hair still smelling strongly of the floral shampoo used to cover the smell of burning bleach and he couldn’t stop himself from reaching out and twirl a lock of hair around his finger. Impressed with the softness of it. The hairdressers were some of the best ones. “Do you like it? It’s only temporary” Wooyoung spoke with a pout and San bit his lower lip, stopping the word-vomit of compliments that threatened to escape. “They could literally put any colour on your hair, and you’d look good, Young-ie” San clenched his jaw when the other’s brows furrowed slightly. He got worried for a second, that the small endorsement was too much, until Wooyoung broke out into a big grin, closed the small space between them and hugged his friend hard. A breath hitched in San’s throat from the impact and he wet his lips nervously, the blossoming feeling of the others body against him still made him feel dizzy.

02:09

San had always been a hugger. He craved the attention, the feeling of a warm body against his own. Sometimes, especially on the road while travelling from city to city in their home country, when he couldn’t sleep, he would roll out of bed and crawl under the covers of another member. They usually gave him a disgruntled groan but let join as he held onto their arm to ease the comfort he needed. The only one who didn’t push him away, who just as often sought out the warmth he craved as well, The only one who always turned around to greet him and took a deep content sigh as if he too, could breathe properly again, The only one who placed his arms around him and hugged him just as tight - was Wooyoung. “Sorry” San whispered into the soft hair of the other, apologizing that he woke him up. But his friend only shook his head, stretched his lean body and pressed up against San like a satisfied cat. Pulled him closer with a firm hand on his back. The thin material of his pyjama pants didn’t leave much for imagination and the older of the two clenched his jaw when he felt every outline of the others body against his own. He gulped hard, felt how his breath hitched in his throat but Wooyoung was fast asleep again, his steady breathing, the small puffs of air against the nape of San’s neck left him aching, needy as he laid on his back. Feeling himself growing harder with every passing moment of agonising fantasies that played like a movie on the lens of his eye.

23:04

“I’m so lucky to have you” Wooyoung spoke before he could stop himself. Stopping the other’s movements just before he stuffed his mouth full of food again. He cleared his throat, and San met his eyes where he sat opposite of him. A small table of room service food between them. They’re in a hotel room, exhausted but happy from meeting their fans all day. Sharing a room for the night, both their hearts singing as soon as they got the key cards with matching numbers. “Sorry” Wooyoung said, quietly, embarrassed from speaking his mind so nonchalantly. San wet his lips, swallowed as if he wanted to collect his thoughts before he placed the chopsticks next to his plate. “I’m lucky to have you too” He said and felt how his cheeks flushed red from the confession. “You’re my best friend, Youngie-ah. I wouldn’t change that for anything in the world” San reached for the glass of soda in front of him. Gave him that beautiful smile that reached his eyes and Wooyoung felt his heart pick up in pace. He wanted to say something. Wanted to admit that maybe being friends wasn’t enough anymore. That there’s a part of him that craved more than warm, tight hugs. Needed more of the way that San always nuzzled his nose into his hair when he thought that the younger wouldn’t notice. Wanted to do more than just cuddle each other when the night was quiet, and darkness consumed their bodies. A part of him that he had to push down every breathing moment. A part of him that lusts for the other, for his body, his mind, the way he talked and laughed and made Wooyoung feel like he’s the only one that mattered. A part of him that knew that he needed San so much that it was suffocating him. Because when they were together and the other looked at him like he looked at him right now, Wooyoung’s demons disappeared and he finally found the courage to tell the snarly voice in his mind, the one that keeps telling him that he’ll never be good enough, to shut up.

11:18

Watching Wooyoung through their first world tour quickly turned into a small hobby. The way he moved, talked, laughed. The way he looked when he slept next to San, on stage, in the early morning when they arrived at another hotel. The way San could only imagine he’d look when he was so lost in pleasure that he couldn’t talk... he could never admit just how much he admired him. How badly he wanted to be considered an equal in the younger’s eyes. It was embarrassing. The fact that he could just… lose himself in thought when Wooyoung was around. Lose himself as he stole glances when the other practised dancing. Letting his imagination run free. Fantasising when they’d be alone to just close the distance between them. To hold and take. To claim and please until Wooyoung would be the only thing echoing inside the dark sulphur filled blackness of his mind. He’d excuse himself when it all became too much. Like right now, for instance, when the other warmed up, showing off just how much he could stretch his body, moving and feeling himself to the most shameless playlist San has ever heard. Locking himself into the nearest bathroom, already breathless as he closed his trembling hand around his cock. Grabbing the sink with the other to stabilise himself as he jerk himself off with fast hard movements. Eyes fluttering shut as his head fell back and he’s back in the room a few doors over. He imagines himself kissing those plump lips of the others, nibbling on his lower lip as his hands roam a body he knows almost as well as his own by now. The way Wooyoung would sound when he’d close his hand around his cock, the way he’d be dripping with pre-cum already. San would drop to his knees. Would do anything to just get a taste of him, to just get a chance to satisfy. His best friend’s name is falling off his lips as he came hard into his hand, face contorting and biting down hard on his lip to prevent a loud gasp from slipping out.

19:24

San’s hair in soft between Wooyoung’s fingers as he combed through it. The older sat on the floor underneath the sofa, between Wooyoung’s open legs, watching a rerun of an old series on the hotel room TV. It was in English and Wooyoung pursed his lips in thought when he didn’t understand most things they were saying. There wasn’t a Korean subtitle alternative either but neither of them really minded much. It was late. They had just finished dinner, eating in the solitude of their hotel room, like so many other times and chatted about the American tour so far. Joked around and played games with each other, like they usually did. The black and red of the older’s hair quickly turned more interesting though, when the plot of the series didn’t make any sense. Wooyoung wet his lips when San let out a small gasp of satisfaction as he lightly scratched the scalp, combed the hair back from the top of his forehead to the longer strands at the back. “Am I doing good?” The younger asked, half out of curiosity and half because a dark part of him was getting unbearable turned on, unbelievably fast by the small sharp gasps and groans that continue to slip from San’s lips. “Uhu, so good” San flat out moans, unable to stop himself when his friends skilled hands pulled his hair back again, harder this time, almost snapping his head back before they move down his neck and shoulders. An all too familiar feeling of arousal washed over Wooyoung like a cold shower and he’s already half hard when he stops, just before it gets too much, thankful of the big hoodie he was wearing.

07:52

It was between the America, and Europe tour and they were back in Korea for a few days. To get back at their feet and recap what and what not to do the second time around. Wooyoung sighed loudly and fell face first into the mattress of his bed. He inhaled deeply, appreciate off the smell from their own washing detergent and the familiarity of the walls of their dorm surrounding them. Yeosang immediately went to join Seonghwa at the washer, sorting out his clothes just outside the small room at the end of the corridor. Wooyoung stayed where he was, though, face down until he heard a small gasp and then the sudden clearing of a throat. “Sorry, I…” Wooyoung turned his face to the door, meeting San’s eyes, who’s face flushed and quickly looked broke the gaze between them again, rubbing his neck in a motion that only enlighten his awkward expression before he raised his sight again, as if he couldn’t help himself but to watch. Wooyoung knew that he was in a compromising position, with his arms at his sides and thrown over the edge of his bed, those skinny jeans of his hugged his form perfectly and would it be anyone else at his door, he’d probably stand up and ask them to leave. But San wasn’t anyone and Wooyoung would be lying if he’d say that he didn’t just enjoy, but absolutely revelled in the sweet glance the other gave him. It made his mouth go dry and he suppressed the want to arch his back and make the swell of his ass even more prominent. San clenched his jaw, gulped and bit his lip, loss for words when Wooyoung didn’t move, didn’t even look away from the burning gaze he gave him and most importantly, actually began (unconsciously of course because he wouldn’t be so wicked that he did it with intent?) swinging his hips back and forth, so slightly that it was barely noticeable. But San noticed, and so did the cock in his pants. Wooyoung inhaled deeply, his gaze flicked down to the other’s crotch and he quickly felt how his own pants suddenly got much more uncomfortable when a more and more noticeable bulge started to form in his friend’s tight pants. “Youngie-ah” The older of the two whispered and the pet name made Wooyoung shiver. They were interrupted, of course they were, and Hongjoong’s voice echoed through the dorm, collecting all his members to a family meeting before lunch. “Sorry” Hurried steps, a door slamming shut and the sound of a shower running made Wooyoung sigh and he sank back at the floor, dazed from what had just happened, feeling defeated and so horny he wanted to just crawl under the covers and ignore the whole world for the rest of the day.

22:46

April. Berlin. A city they’d never dreamed of being able to go to just a year ago, just like all the other cities on the European part of the tour. They were in Wooyoung’s hotel room, which he this time, shared with Jongho. They were joking around, playing games with each other, giggling. Still high from the concert a few hours ago. The Vlive was planned since yesterday and San pressed the record button the moment Jongho closed the door to the bathroom. Their energy doesn’t waver as the minutes pass, still dancing around each other with comments, compliments, exchanging looks from underneath their fringes in such rapid movements that it seemed like they were flirting. San had to look away every now and then, feeling how his heart pumped hard in his chest, and how the sharp inhales he took shook slightly when he smelled a whiff of the hotel shampoo mixed with the scent that was just Wooyoung as he leaned forward over the phone they had to be able to read the comments. Wooyoung’s frame against his when the younger hit him with his whole body, jokingly and with a teasing chuckle in his throat as they began playing a word game. Wooyoung’s laughter ringing in his ears and making him gulp down the feelings that blossomed in his chest. Wooyoung’s touch as he held his hand underneath the camera angle. Wooyoung in those gym shorts and that tee. The smell of his cologne when he got too close yet not close enough. Wooyoung. Wooyoung. Wooyoung.

08:09

They were back in Korea. The city had changed. Cherry blossoms adorned the trees and the chill that’d been in the air when they left had disappeared. Wooyoung took a deep breath when they got out of the cars, his luggage heavy and filled with at least 80% dirty clothes that immediately had to be washed. His gaze lingered on San, as it always seemed to do when his thoughts wandered and it’s as the other can feel Wooyoung’s eyes on him because he suddenly looks up, meets his eyes and breaks out in a big smile, the dimples in his cheeks makes the younger of the two choke on his breath slightly as he quickly looks away again. Their dorm is just as they left it, the smell of it more prominent now when they haven’t been there for so long. Wooyoung took in the safe familiarity of it with long inhales through his nose. Of them and their stuff. Of home. It’s like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders and he suddenly felt how tired he actually was. For a minute Wooyoung doesn’t care about the large bag filled with clothes that had travelled the world with him, he left it in the hallway and threw himself over the backrest of their couch, closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, happy but exhausted. A familiar body joins him within seconds, he knows who it is without having to open his eyes and just groans slightly as he props a pillow under his head and lays down more properly on his back to make place. The person on top of him mirrors the way he moves, lined their body up with his and he was just about to complain about the sudden shift in weight when he gets tightly embraced. A comforting nuzzle underneath his jawline shuts him up completely. “You know, it’d be much more comfortable if you’d just separated your legs” San’s voice is low and dangerously husky in his ear and Wooyoung had to bite down hard on his tongue to keep himself from shivering with satisfaction as that tone of that voice made him want to walk down a sweet path he shouldn’t walk on when he was in their living room, surrounded by his members and with the source of the voice on top of him. He scoffed and still refused to open his eyes. He could feel San’s breath on the lower part of his face. Knew how close he was. Knew that he’d do something stupid, like kiss him, if they’d lock gaze. He swallowed hard, sighed and rolled his eyes with an overdramatic flick of his head so that San understood what he was doing even if he couldn’t see his eyes, before he separated his legs and let his best friend sink in between them. … It was more comfortable than he expected it to be. The weight of San against his body, the way he was pressed against his stomach. The way Wooyoung knew, he could nearly sense it, that San watched him, chin rested on his knuckles, hands splayed across Wooyoung’s chest, fingers restlessly drumming. It was sweet though, with the intimate radiation they received from each other as they just lay there, just sharing a moment of tired but content joy. That was until San shifted slightly as he wanted to get even closer when the steps around them died out and the members went into their separate rooms. He jerked his hips forward slightly to edge himself further up. It was an innocent action, it really was. Meant to only ease the weight Wooyoung already had on him but to the younger, the effect was the opposite as a shiver ran down his back, making him involuntarily arch it, just a little and his breath hitched in his throat. He suddenly felt trapped, and more importantly, the sudden new pressure on his crotch didn’t help the arousal that flooded there. He choked down a small groan, tried to think about anything else than the amazing feeling of San’s hips against his inner thighs. The feeling of him pressing down on him just right in those soft pants he wore. “Wooyoungie?” San asked with surprise in his voice and wiggled slightly, very carefully, just to make sure that he didn’t mistake what he felt. Wooyoung pinched the bridge of his nose in shame, felt how his cheeks redden and gulped hard. There wasn’t a point in trying to escape. If he did so, San would see what he already felt anyway. Instead he just sighed and finally opened his eyes. It was his best friend he was talking to; he could at least look him in the eyes when he lied to him. San tilted his head, eyes dark and curious and Wooyoung combed his hair back with a frustrated motion, felt how his heart tick hard in his chest. How it picked up in speed when San licked his lower lip into his mouth, a nervous reaction but still with that look in his eyes that triggered an immediate flight or fight reaction in Wooyoung’s body. He forced himself to stand his ground. Knew that the other could probably feel the heartbeats as well. “It’s been long… you know. Touring and the stress and everything. I just haven’t taken the time to properly…” He drifted off. So embarrassed that he wanted to roll out of the sofa and jump out through the large window at his right. Telling a white lie was bad enough. Telling a white lie to your best friend, who was the reason why you couldn’t speak the truth was ever worse. That he hadn’t masturbated at all on tour was the biggest lie. He had, with said best friend in mind, in more moments than he could remember. Roaming one hand over his chest and closed the other around his cock, wishing, daydreaming to his heart's content, that his hands would be replaced with San’s one day. “Yeah… I know that feeling” San placed his hands on either side of Wooyoung’s face instead, raised himself up and leaned over the other. Tilting his head to the side again, and that long fringe of his shadowed his eyes slightly. Wooyoung could’ve sworn that they looked darker than before. “How?” He forced himself to ask. Heard how his voice sounded weak and pathetic and regretted it the second the question slipped out but knew he had to go through with it when a small wrinkle of confusion appeared between San’s brows. “I… I mean… I know that it’s tough to get in the mood on your own sometimes, but we had a concert every other day. You could’ve picked any of the girls in the crowd. I bet they’d do anything you’d wished for and more” He swallowed hard, praying even harder that San didn’t hear the small break in his voice when he mentioned the fact that he wasn’t the only one racing for his heart. The older of the two chuckled, but it was filled with anything else than joy, before he sat up again, broke their gaze, sighed heavily and shook his head. Wooyoung’s right leg fell off the sofa when there was a shift in weight to lazily rest on the side instead and he felt exposed, with his legs still separated, San in between them, looking perfect as always and not at all like he hadn’t just arrived home after travelling for the past thirty-six hours. “I could’ve. You could’ve as well, you know. Personally…” San flicked his head in a quick tilting motion. Anxiously. Making his hair bounce with the movement and he looked down on his hands, which rested on his folded knees, before he brought them up to cross over his chest. To protect himself from the truth he was just about to spill. “Personally… I’m less of a girl and more of a guy kind of person” He concluded and Wooyoung frowned as a deafening silence fell between them, not realising what San had meant until the older had awkwardly cleared his throat, stood up and left him without another word.

20:50

The beginning of May. The beginning of summer. But while nature started to wake up, San felt like he was still sleeping. He cursed himself. Cursed the stupid feelings that bloomed in his chest, competing with the small pink cosmic flowers in the flowerbed outside their dorm. He scoffed, pouted and wanted to kick them but Wooyoung was tugging on his hand before the thought was put into action. “Sannie-ssi, let’s go” He swallowed hard and met his best friends’ eyes. The laughter in them. The way he combed his long fringe out of his forehead, like he usually did to calm his fidgety hands. The way he tugged on San’s hand again, completely obvious with how hard he tugged on San’s heartstrings as well. The short ride to the amusement park was spent in comfortable silence. Their manager had promised them one hour just after the place had closed down. As a carrot for them to work hard with the new comeback, which were right around the corner. Wooyoung’s hand found his again as soon as they had exited the cars and he dragged the older along to the first ride. San were scared but just as excited when the roller coaster car dropped and he put his hands in the air, the friend he was still holding onto followed and the laughter that bubbled from said friend send San’s mind and heart into a pink endorphin filled frenzy. He couldn’t help but laugh back, holding onto Wooyoung even tighter. The squeeze of his hand that followed squeezed his heart just as much and he was breathless when they ran to the next ride. 45 minutes passed quickly, and San’s hand had been empty for two minutes, one minute each as they had a bathroom break and then had to wash their hands from traces of cotton candy. “Let’s finish off with that one, San-ah” Wooyoung giggled behind his hand and San looked over where the younger was pointing, expecting another crazy roller coaster. But it was anything, but a wild ride and he paused for a second, almost stumbled over his step but didn’t say a word as the park worker made sure that the door was properly closed behind them. The small box they were in had shaded glasses and San quickly put his hands on his knees rather than the fabric of the red, soft sofa he sat on, guessing that more things had happened in the box than just watching the scenery that slowly but steadily opened up before them as the Ferris wheel started spinning. There was music in the background, soft and barely noticeable, with a piano and some strings, probably to set the mood and San wet his lips nervously when he watched his best friend. The way his mouth fell open with wonder as they got higher and higher. The nervous giggle that fell from his lips when he saw how far up, they were. The moment was something special and San leaned back as he watched with a small smile on his lips, the mood between them was as it usually was. Pleasant and simple. Like a lightweight dream. But the silence was suffocating him, and he needed to say something, anything to make sure that his feeling was correct, and nothing had changed over the last few two weeks. “Wooyoungie” San said finally. His friend turned towards him, that bright smile of his faltered slightly when he recognized the seriousness in the tone of the other and he sat back properly against the backrest so that San was straight in front of him. Their knees touched in the tight space. Their hands longed to reach out to each other. “I…” “You don’t have to worry. I won’t tell anyone, your secret is safe with me and I still love you just as much as before... in a… totally, very platonic way of course” Wooyoung interrupted before San could speak another word and he could only nod, dumbfounded by the way the younger smiled afterwards. A bit surprised, but still not really that Wooyoung already knew what was on his mind. The way their hands quickly found each other again. The way he tried to concentrate on the scenery outside, with Seoul in full bloom below, the sun shining through the glass window at the side of them and how lucky they were to be there, all alone in a closed down amusement park. But even though the scenery was nice and how that luck of theirs would shine even brighter on them in the future - Wooyoung was more beautiful than anything San had even seen before and he didn’t just felt luck, he felt thankful as the other squeezed his hand again after changing sofa to sit beside him instead. Leaned up against him as they went around in the Ferris wheel. The smell of Wooyoung’s cologne as San placed his arms around his body, nuzzling his nose in the younger’s hair. Felt how his heart fluttered and throat clog shut when Wooyoung turned his head and he received a look from underneath dark, long eyelashes. San was sure that if heaven would be anything like this, he could’ve died happy in that moment to make it last forever.

12:07

The dorm was quiet for once. Wooyoung was on his phone and the silence between his and the room San shared with Yunho competed with the empty loneliness, the need for his friend that already echoed in his heart, bringing chaos to his mind. He locked the screen of his phone, closed his eyes for a few seconds and sat up, determined to find something to do. Four of the other members were out doing god knows what, which only left Jongho, Mingi, San and himself in the dorm. Or well… scratch that. Jongho was probably out as well. He just had a habit of not saying goodbye before he left. Wooyoung stretched his arms over his head, scrunched his eyes shut when his vision blurred slightly and did a little body shake to shake life in his sleepy limbs before he ventured out of his room, walked down the corridor towards the kitchen and rounds the doorpost of the room that he almost spend more time in than his own. San looks up from his laptop, pulls out his headphones and gave Wooyoung a soft smile from the top bunker. The younger waste no time and immediately climbs the ladder up to join him just as his friend closed down whatever he was doing and set aside the laptop, still with the same comforting smile on his lips. Wooyoung is mindful of the height they were on but still tackled the older as soon as he was in bed and the sound of San’s surprised laughter makes the empty chaos in his head disappear like fine dust in the wind. They settle down comfortable, San on his back with Wooyoung half on top of him, clutching his arm with a leg thrown over his waist. Both hearts were beating in unison, their breath synced up without either of them knowing and they just lay there for a minute or two, with San softly brushing through the younger’s hair and Wooyoung himself nuzzled his nose in the splattered freckles in the nape of San’s neck. He swallowed hard, inhaled even harder and felt how the smell of the other fills his body with butterflies. His heart clutched and it’s like he moved on his own, like he couldn’t stop the side of him that craved more. The press of his lips against those freckles makes him woozy, San’s breath hitched in his throat and Wooyoung does it again, and again, and again. There wasn’t a rush to get on with something else. Even though Wooyoung wanted nothing else than just straddle his best friends hips now and ride him until he forgot his own name. “Youngie-ah” San’s voice was raspy, and he choked on the words slightly. Like he fought to keep his voice as normal as he could. “Stop, please” He begged and Wooyoung separated himself from the older quickly, scared to death that he’d passed a line that shouldn’t have been passed. Scared that San would tell him off and that he’d ruined their friendship completely. He removed his leg from across the others waist, accidently brushed it against a rock-hard cock and it was as if his own brain just shut down completely. He felt how the butterflies that had only simmered in his body up to that point, exploded with the power of fireworks and it was as if his arousal punched him in the stomach. San turned his head towards him, faces just centimetres apart and Wooyoung inhaled sharply from the black wildfire that burned in his eyes. He knew that his friend could feel him, they were still very much pressing up against each other and he gulped when San’s hand brushed against his inner thigh. The latter’s breath hitched again as he felt the hot throbbing bulge there. “Sorry” Wooyoung whispered, shameful that he’d put San in an embarrassing situation, that he’d felt the effect he had on Wooyoung himself. “I’m scared that I’ll do something I regret if you don’t leave” San whispered back, his fingers ghosting over the hair in the back of the others head again and Wooyoung shuddered, involuntary arched his back to the addicting warmth that spread through him. San tensed his jaw from the feeling of his friend’s hard cock pressing on his thigh, contained the need to move his other hand a decimetre to the right and palm the younger through the sweat’s he was wearing. “Do what?” Wooyoung breathed against his face and San closed his eyes, gulped and shook his head, his hand travel over the others stomach before he placed it between them instead, softly pushed on Wooyoung’s chest. “Please, just go” The younger sighed and his heart dropped to the bottom of his stomach, but he didn’t argue. Didn’t want to make the whole situation worse than it already was and sat up, jumped down the bed and gave San one final glance before he walked out the room.

00:05

Kcon, Japan. Midnight and they were finally back at the hotel. San splashed his face with cold water and gasped slightly from the tingling shock of it. He’d just taken a hot shower, completely lost himself in the pleasure of feeling the sweat, the anxious feelings and stress from the show wash off him. Thought back on everything that had gone wrong but also everything that had gone right. Smiled to himself. Thought back on how good he knew he looked, and involuntarily, thought back on how good Wooyoung had looked as well. The black of his hair against the black of his suit. How the red on their accessories mixed in perfectly with the look. The green splotches in the lenses that hid the natural brown in his eyes. The warmth in the way he’d smiled when San complimented his performance after the show. The safe familiarity of his body against his when San placed an arm around his shoulder, pulling him closer. He sighed, moved his hands over his body and turned his face up against the shower head. Remembered how Wooyoung had looked when they started to undress, with his face flushed and red dress shirt unbuttoned, still tucked into his black slacks. The water dribbled on San’s body, through the dark hairs that covered it. Fingertips brushed against the muscles on his stomach, against hard nipples. He felt a sudden shudder of pure enticement and lust running down his spine. Gasped out as he realized what he was doing, turned off the shower immediately and exited the shower before he’d become too lost in himself. Violently shook his head to remove the thought of his best friend. Tried to forget the look in his eyes when they met after removing the first layer of clothes, both gulping at the same time and quickly looked away when they noticed the other staring. Splashed his face again. Removed the last traces of make-up. Dried himself up, did his evening routine before he put out the lights in the bathroom, softly humming to himself. He walked out, mindful of the glass window that still wasn’t covered by a curtain. Rounded the corner to the rest of the room and then almost had a heart attack, stumbled slightly and mentally thanked himself for still wearing the towel when he saw that his bed was already occupied. He took a deep breath, tried to calm his racing heart and asked with a slightly scolding voice, amusement hidden between the layers of the words. “How did you get here?” Wooyoung glanced up from his phone, his chin hidden in the hoodie he was wearing. The tips of his hair still wet from a shower he must have taken recently. He’d thankfully taken off his shoes, feet bare against the white covers on the bed. Mouth falling open slightly as he stared at the drops still running down his friends naked upper body. San stood just as frozen when he noticed the others stare, still holding the towel in a death grip, his phone in his other hand and it was as if time stopped around them in a good 20 seconds before the older of the two spoke up again, cleared his throat rather awkwardly. Wooyoung’s face was covered in a precious pink and he was sure that the other was just as surprised but frustratedly turned on as he was. “Wooyoungie, why are you here?” San rephrased the question and the other seemed to break out of the trance he was in, looked up from his body to meet San’s eyes and opened his mouth to answer. “I uh… I switched with Mingi” He answered and gulped before he teared his eyes of San completely. Mouth dry and body squirming. San considered dropping the towel completely there and then, bit back a small smirk when he thought about the reaction he’d earn, but still decided against it. Even though there clearly was a mutual attraction between them, he didn’t know if it was because Wooyoung enjoyed the other’s company simply because it was San himself or if San was simply the only one that didn’t protest when the younger craved so much attention it was almost unbearable for the other members. Clinging to them, poking their cheeks and annoyed them until they literally shrugged him off their bodies. He didn’t know if he was just the easiest one for Wooyoung to ease his daily burdens on. “Why?” San asked and took a few steps closer. Wooyoung recoiled on himself, just a little, like the sight of his friends naked body coming closer alarmed him and the older stopped and tilted his head, a bit perplexed of the random behaviour. Confused and a bit hurt and his friend wet his lips, combed his fingers through his newly washed hair. “Just put on some clothes please?” Wooyoung begged and met San’s eyes from underneath his lashes, chewed on the inside of his cheek when his friend placed his phone on the desk beside him, took another step forward and Wooyoung shook his head. “What are you afraid of Youngie-ah? It’s just me, who I’ve always been” He took another step, standing just next to his best friend, who looked up at him like he was completely terrified, but the look in his eyes and the small twitching in his fingertips betrayed him. A look that San recognized all too well. The one that he always picked out from the back of his mind when the days were too long and he was too bored to do anything but jerk off to the thought of his best friend going down on him like he never wanted anything else but San’s cock in his mouth and two fingers tickling the bundle of nerves deep, deep inside of him. Fuck. He sat down at the edge of the bed when Wooyoung didn’t answer, reached for his hand and even though his mind basically screamed at him to put that hand on the growing hard on between his thighs and not anywhere else, he placed it over his heart instead. Wooyoung looked away, suddenly shyer than scared and his hand jolted in San’s when he felt the warm, smooth skin of the other. “Look at me, please?” San asked and Wooyoung swallowed, gave him a pained expression and reluctantly met his eyes again. He wanted the younger to explain. Explain why they were both feeling like this. Why San’s mind was screaming ‘no, no, no! You’re my best friend, If I push my feelings on you, I’m going to ruin everything’ and his heart was shouting back ‘yes, yes, yes! I love you so much it physically hurt me and I want nothing else than for you to just tell me that you feel the same way so that I can finally, finally have you, all of you, to myself’ Wooyoung didn’t explain. But he didn’t remove his hand either, a small blush covered his cheeks as he felt San’s hurried heartbeats underneath his ribcage.

03:17

Wooyoung was laying restless in his bed again. Just like he’d done for the past nights. Tossed and turned with no avail. Begged sleep to overcome him so he could put his utmost into the promotion that was going to start in two days. He sat up, rubbed his face with tired hands, threw his legs over the edge of the top bunker bed and paused for a second to make sure that Yeosang didn’t wake up when his feet hit the floor in a soft thump. Months upon months of midnight training had made him stealthy and he walked with quick steps towards the sofa in the living room, avoided the floor planks he knew would creek, hoped that the white light and buzz from the tv would make him sleepy. He paused. Was the tv already on? “Hi” San said as soon as Wooyoung rounded the corner when the corridor became the living room. The upper part of his body was naked, thanks to the humid hot weather outside and Wooyoung was immediately thrown back to the hotel room in Japan a few days earlier. The feeling of San’s skin underneath his fingertips was still stuck in his memory like a sweet sugary syrup. Coated his judgement and made him dizzy. That look San had in his eyes back then. “Wooyoungie? Did I scare you?” The older asked, slightly worried, hesitant and a bit self-conscious as he pulled a soft blanket over his head to cover himself, with only his face poking out. Wooyoung shook his head, hid all his feelings in a locked box at the back of his mind, closed the distance between them with a few quick steps and it was almost as if things were back to how it’d always been when San placed his arm around Wooyoung’s shoulders, pulled him closer with a bright smile. The cute dimples and scrunching nose made the younger’s heart flip and he smiled back, purely as a reflex before he settled underneath the crook of the others neck and focus on the American 80s cowboy movie that San had found on a channel Wooyoung didn’t even know they had. It was almost as if things were back to how it’d always been, except it was nothing like that at all and though both of them were trying to relax, trying to enjoy each other's presence - the fear of a misplaced hand, and the fact that they were so close that they could smell each other’s cologne, the underlying smell that were just them - were excruciatingly painful. The feeling of San’s naked chest against his own was everything Wooyoung wanted to the end of time and everything he had ever feared.

16:22

They received their album the same day it was released, and Hongjoong thanked their manager profusely when he reached out to give it to them. They were in the studio after being called there to listen through their new songs for the first time and see how it visually had turned out before it was released, and the staff had been kind enough to prepare dinner for them while they were there. The managers presence had interrupted that first hot meal of the day, but they all stood up without a question and bowed deeply to show off their gratitude. He left shortly after and all their fingers fiddled nervously when their leader unwrapped the plastic protection. Browsed the photo catalogue in awe. Playfully hitting each other with teasing punches and laughing loudly at the photos that were in it. Placed all the postcards on the table in front of them, the group photo and the individual photocard. San took the very chance he got and snatched it as soon as he saw who it was. No questions were asked. They all could see who was on the photo. Wooyoung blushed slightly and looked up to meet San’s from underneath his fringe. Swallowed hard when San shyly smiled back while he placed the photocard of his best friend in his wallet.

15:36

They were doing a Vlive again. Joked around while eating their food. Unconsciously mirrored each other, laughed between bites of food and proved to the whole fanbase that they truly were soulmates with 3,2,1 questions. Wooyoung watched his best friend from underneath his lashes. Tried not to stare too much but San had made it difficult for him. Looking like an angel sent from heaven to make Wooyoung forget about any problems that has ever troubled his mind with the light red make-up that shadowed his eyes. Wooyoung couldn’t help but to reach out, at times when he knew he doesn't have to. Just to feel the others skin under his touch Found it to be harder and harder to breathe properly when San leaned over his shoulder to read the comments on the phone that rested on the table among the food. They were not alone. A video director was sitting across of them to make sure that the video recorded properly and even though Wooyoung himself considered himself a gentle person, someone who never demanded a thing and was at most times hellbent on making sure that everyone felt seen and included and loved, staff and members alike - but now he wanted nothing else but for that said director to just get the fuck out and leave them alone. The older placed his hand on his back when he leaned over him again and the feeling of San’s breath on his neck made him shudder lightly. San, who pouted when he talked, hummed with satisfaction and slurped on his food when he ate and Wooyoung wanted the earth to swallow him right then and there for all the things it made him feel. His heart flipped again when the other borrowed his glasses, looking at least twice as good as Wooyoung would ever look in glasses himself and he swallowed hard while complimenting his friend. Feeling how he was sweating in the hoodie he wore from the smirk he received back. They talked, joked around a bit more, finished what they were eating and soon enough gave place to their hyung, who came to have a conversation with Atiny as well. Wooyoung placed his hand around his friend when they packed up their stuff. Felt how the muscles on San’s stomach tensed up slightly from the sudden touch and swallowed as the older followed in his footsteps as they walk out the door. Immediately grabbed his hand when they were alone again. Like he had been starving for the younger’s touch the whole 30 minutes they did the Vlive. Wooyoung looked over at his friend, felt how his face flushed when San pulled him closer in a half hug, not caring about the staff around them. Not caring about the curious looks they received. Not caring about the nagging feeling in their hearts. The feeling that told them both that they shouldn’t be this close if they were just friends. That it seemed like it was more than just fanservice or skinship or anything in between. The fact that it could be something more and that Wooyoung felt, when he quickly lock gaze with San as they stumbled to the car that would take them back to their dorm, that maybe… just maybe… San felt so as well - was terrifying and so indescribably amazing that he felt like he was walking on clouds.

10:45

It was minutes before their comeback. San felt how his heart was ticking hard in his chest, reached out to put his hands on his best friend’s shoulders, just to stabilise himself. Pulled his fingers through said friend's hair. Felt how Wooyoung took a sharp breath and he could almost swear that he swallowed hard from the feeling as well. Minutes passed, he leaned forward to read the comments fans left for them. Inhaled deeply and wanted to nuzzle his nose into Wooyoung’s hair but decided against it. Knew that it would look inappropriate on camera. Reached out to massage the youngers shoulders instead, fingers played with the hair in the back of his neck. Like he could relieve some of his own anxiousness, from inflicting the calming pleasure on Wooyoung and it helped him ease the fidgety feeling he already had in his fingertips too. Wooyoung cursed at him softly when the Vlive was over and they said goodbye to Atiny, urging them on to listen to the mini album before they ended the broadcast. “Why did you keep touching me like that, all the time? We were supposed to be professional” Wooyoung blushed, pulled San aside just outside the room they recorded in and the other members just spared them a glance before they kept walking to go get some lunch, knowing that the duo would catch up with them whenever they were finished. “What do you mean?” San asked and felt the tips of his ears flush. Wooyoung paused for a few seconds. Looked like he tried to put his thoughts in order to describe whatever he was thinking, and San swallowed hard, not understanding what he’d done wrong. “I was just… nervous… you ground me. You know that” San tried to explain when the younger doesn’t say anything. His friend looked away, crossed his arms over his chest and puffed it out slightly, pouted and San wanted nothing else than to just embrace him and apologize. “I… I know…” Wooyoung answered finally and San reached out even though his mind was telling him that he probably shouldn’t. He placed his hand on his friend's arm, tugged on it slightly to make them fall against Wooyoung’s side again before he took a step forward and hugged the younger tight. Flushed his body against him with both arms around his midriff. Wooyoung sighed, first it’s more like a sharp annoyed exhale through his nose and San sweep the area swiftly with his sight, noticed that they were completely alone and then nuzzled his nose underneath his friends jaw, pressed a light peck just underneath his ear and Wooyoung melted to putty in his arms. He sighed again, more content this time and San stifles a small heartfelt chuckle under his breath.

22:07

Towards the end of June and the water from the showerhead was cold on Wooyoung’s skin. He shuddered, fringe over his eyes as he watched how the water pooled at his feet before it disappeared down the drain. He thought back on every minute of the past three hours. Went through them over and over in his head. Felt how tears formed in the corners of his eyes. They were supposed to be training, not the dancing he preferred to do, but actually working out, with actual weights and stuff and though it was boring at first (it always was) joking around with his members was somewhat of a hobby of his. He knew that he should take it seriously, exercising was important. Mainly, of course, so that they could stay in good shape. But also, to build up the muscles needed for their choreography. Which was just so… unbelievable… boring. Wooyoung was someone who needed space to move, to dance and dance and dance until he couldn't stand upright anymore. Not sit down and work on a machine that pushed certain muscles to the breaking point. He’d complained, the trainer had rolled his eyes and explained for the hundredth time all those things that Wooyoung already knew. Complained about the trainer to San who then snorted out a laugh in a way that was anything but subtle. His best friend was not short on jumping on the train of shenanigans. They joked around, danced to the music in the background when the trainer had an important speech about how to build muscles in the most effective way. Made funny noises when the other members worked out and bumped into each other as they joked around, never missed a beat as they seemingly danced around each other, unconsciously playing a game of cat and mouse. Their trainer kicked them out, referred them to go to the dance studio to work on their choreo if they couldn’t stand still and they got a scolding look from their leader just before the door slammed shut. They stumbled to the room a few doors down, still roaring with laughter and San hopped down in one of the chairs at the back, the wheels of it made him roll a good three meters until he hit the wall with a small thump. Wooyoung chuckled to himself and put on some music, an American song was the first on the playlist and San shouted an “Eey” while he threw his hands in the air and dropped to the floor instead to make place after he pushed the chair to the other side of the room. The younger of the two closed his eyes, let the beat come to him instead of chasing after it, allowed it fill his body completely before he let it explode inside of him, making him move his arms and legs as the rush of being in his element overcame him. San shouted again, hyped him up and the applause that followed made Wooyoung dance faster, the room was spinning around him, but he was not lost - he was exactly where he was meant to be, as he kept the pace until the song ended. His breathing laboured and he combed back some hair that fell into his eyes before he opened them again. The older of the two was a meter from him, scooted down in a half sitting position at the same place, legs parted, so close that he almost touched Wooyoung. Eyes enticingly dark and tongue between his teeth when his mouth fell open at the way his friend looked back at him. His chest moved up and down in a pace that almost matched Wooyoung’s. Wooyoung wanted to say something. Wanted to defend the way his blood seemed to boil ever harder now than when he was dancing but it was as if all the blood had left his brain to stream down to his cock as San clenched his jaw, looked away, sighed and then motioned for the younger to get closer with a flick of his wrist, and Wooyoung obliged, because why wouldn’t he? It was as if electricity surged through them when their hands found each other, like so many times before. He dropped to his knees before San, moved as if on autopilot, straddled his hips like he’d done it a hundred times before. Except he hadn’t and the certain way that San looked up at him from underneath long lashes, The way his thighs clenched slightly when the younger scooted closer, The way his hands quickly settled on Wooyoung’s hips, pushing him down slightly on his crotch and the way his cheeks flushed... those soft pink lips parted - all of it made scared him out of his mind. But he couldn’t move away, didn’t want to move away as San brought his hand up to comb Wooyoung’s hair back out of his forehead again, the sweat in the roots of his baby hair made it stay like that and he gulped, hard. Felt how his friends cock grew harder under the swell of his ass in the jeans he wore. A gasp escaped his lips at the feeling, and it was as if the sound was painful to San because a small wrinkle appeared between his brows as his eyes became more and more hooded. San’s hand cupped Wooyoung’s face now and he was seconds from pressing his lips against the other when voices outside interrupted them, broke the magic and Wooyoung immediately jumped up after he realised how close he’d been to actually kiss his best friend. Fear overcame him again and he quickly straightened his clothes, gave San an apologizing look and turned on his heel before he rushed out the studio. Didn’t look behind him as he jogged all the way back to the dorm, the warm summer evening sun was just a thin line on the horizon as he unlocked the door to their dorm with shaking hands, slammed it shut behind him, shed his clothes as soon as he entered the bathroom and gasped loudly when the first drops of water hit his back like a whip. He looked down on his cock. Released what he’d been fighting for months upon months, to not cross that physical line that would change them, had happened anyway. The remembrance combined with Wooyoung’s vivid fantasy of what would most likely have happened if they wouldn’t have been interrupted made him squirm. He turned up the heat, when he realized that the cold water didn’t do anything to keep the memories from playing back in his head like a broken record on repeat. The feeling of San’s body underneath him. The way his muscles clenched from the feeling of Wooyoung’s on top of him. The way his cock had felt when it nudged against the younger’s ass. The fact that he’d been seconds away from kissing those perfectly curled lips that he’d dreamed of for so long. He felt the tears that had formed in his eyes fall down his cheeks. From disappointment. From guilt. From being so unbelievably disgusted with himself that he just wanted to hide from the whole world to the end of time. He shuddered as he reluctantly closed his hand around his cock, already leaking from pre-cum and dropped to his knees, face towards the ceiling as his other hand ghosted over his chest. One hand pumping himself as the other continued to travel, over his hip, his ass and he quickly spit in his hand as he choked on a breath when he imagined that the fingers that stroked his hole was San’s. His heart raced in his chest so hard he could hear the beats of it in his ears. He forced himself to relax, before he pushed one finger in, cried out softly as the feeling of being filled up made him shudder again. His breathing were strained, short breathy gasps escaped his throat and it didn’t take long until he fell backwards into the warm dark abyss that embraced him. Ribbons of hot white cum painted his chest and he moaned loudly, thankful that he was the only one at the dorm at the moment.

22:33

San cursed himself. Tears streamed down his face as he quickly followed in the steps of his best friend. A friend he had betrayed by acting upon his own insatiable lust. The shower was running when he entered the dorm and he paused just outside the door to the bathroom, trying to stabilise his hard breathing. He raised his hand and was just about to knock when a sudden noise made him waver. A… gasp? He swallowed and felt how the arousal he’d been pushing down for the last ten minutes came rushing back with the power of a collision. He stabilised himself with one hand on the doorpost, careful not to put any weight on the door itself and blow his cover as he leaned closer. Wooyoung was actually moaning. It was subtle but still clear as day and San cringed before submitting to his own need almost embarrassingly fast. Plunged his hand down his pants and underwear, eyes fluttered shut as he closed his hand around his cock. He imagined how Wooyoung would look, if he was in there with him. The way the water would run over his body, tracing over his nipples, over hard lean muscles and soft dark hair. How amazing he’d look with his cock in his hand, putting on a show for San, meeting his eyes behind wet eyelashes. Mouth open as the short whiny gasps he was hearing escaped his throat. How his own fingers would already pump in and out of him. San would even taste his lips, if his friend would allow him. Would treat him right in every way possible. Wooyoung would lead his hands, because San didn’t want to just take and claim the others lust. He’d love it if he could fuck him though. Real life San choked on his breath as imaginary him trapped Wooyoung against the wall, chest against chest, rose one leg over his hip and carefully, so carefully enter him, bottom out completely before letting his friend get used to the size. In the room behind the door, real life Wooyoung moaned loudly, and the out of breath gasping that followed directly afterwards sounded exactly like he used to sound after they’d been practising a particularly tough choreography. San came in his underwear so hard, his knees threatened to buckle underneath him. He cursed his life harder than he had ever done before.

09:43

Something changed between them after that. They still touched like they always do. Still sought the comfort with one another like always. Still touched and hugged and cuddled and placed small kisses on each other’s knuckles, under the ears and against collarbones when the feelings they have for each other was suffocating them. Still laughed and joked and played games. But something was still different. Something that broke Wooyoung’s heart in two as the days progressed. He watched as his friend danced and felt how his body itched to join him. Watched as he sang and felt how the sound was tugging on his heartstrings. Watched when San was occupied and doesn’t notice him staring. They were on tour from city to city again. Doing fan signs every other day. Participating in promotions, stage performances and radio. Travelled back to the US to open Kcon in New York and soon enough three weeks had passed since that time in the dancing studio and it was San’s birthday. Wooyoung woke up extra early, determined to not let the weird feeling between the two distract him from making the day a memorable experience. He placed out the ingredients on the counter, found the message on the recipe for seaweed soup he received from his mother the day before and got to working just as he hears how Seonghwa started to wake up in the room at the far back. “Good morning” He said, just as his hyung entered the kitchen with sleep drunken eyes, stumbled on his steps slightly as he inhaled the familiar scent with a thoughtful expression on his face. “For Sannie-ah?” Seonghwa asked and started making breakfast for himself and the other members. Wooyoung only nodded, mind focused hard on the recipe to make sure that he doesn’t miss a step. Yeosang joined them just a few minutes later, and then Mingi and Jongho. The soup was done the minute San stumbled out of his room, accompanied by Yunho and Wooyoung’s heart was ticking like a small bomb in his chest. It felt like he’d run a marathon when San looked into the pot with curious eyes before they meet his best friend and the younger swallowed hard. “Happy birthday” He said with a voice that only shook a little. The bright smile, the one with the dimples, scrunching nose and a wrinkle between his brows, made Wooyoung’s heart skip and San placed his arms around him in a heartbeat. Happiness was overflooding the others body and before he could stop himself, his lips were pressed against Wooyoung's cheek. It was just a light peck, done in the trance of excitement but Wooyoung couldn’t help but sigh softly of satisfaction. San, on the other hand, looked absolutely terrified at what he’d done, but his friend just shook his head and held him again, nuzzled his nose into the nape of the other’s neck.

20:21

“Youngie?” The whole day has passed and now they lay together in Wooyoung’s bed, watching a Netflix movie on San’s phone. Preferred the privacy to just be able to hold each other close without the other members in close proximity and if a small screen was what they had to sacrifice, then so be it. Wooyoung hummed lightly to show that he listened, and San took a deep breath, went over in his head how he could phrase what he was about to say in the smoothest way possible. Locked his phone to make Wooyoung look at him. “I know I said that I didn’t want any presents but…” He trailed off and met the youngers eyes from his position, with his head resting on his right arm and their faces barely two decimetres apart. Swallowed hard when Wooyoung looked at him with a distraught face when he mentioned a present. “I just have a favour. You don’t have to because, like I said. I don’t want any presents. I just thought since I literally have no one else to ask and you’re the one I’m closest to in the group so I feel most comfortable with you but like I said you really, really don't have to because it might change our friendship and that is the reason why I haven’t asked you earlier but now it’s my birthday an-” “Just say it” Wooyoung interrupted, a small smile tugged on his lips from the others rambling and San swallowed hard again, felt his heart thump hard in his chest. “Can you… I want you to…” He cleared his throat and closed his eyes for a second to collect some courage. “I… I’d like you to be my first kiss” He cringed at his own words as he stumbled over them. Heard how Wooyoung gasped slightly and his heart clenched at the sound as he opened his eyes again, met the younger’s eyes before he quickly looked away again. Neither of them moved a muscle for a few seconds and the more time that passed, the more anxious San became, the small ball of nervousness grew from a needle head to an overfilled balloon that threatened to explode in his stomach and finally he couldn’t take it anymore and just shook his head before he pulled up his phone and unlocked it with a sigh. “Sorry, I… forget what I said” He apologized and was just about to hit play again when Wooyoung placed his hand over San’s and lowered the phone again. They lock gaze. The younger’s eyes were like two brown tarns in the middle of an untouched forest. So dark that San wanted to drown in them. “I… I’d like that. You’d be my first as well” He finally answered, and San’s heart flipped like a small bird trapped in a cage. He turned his body towards his friend, placed his left arm around him so that his back covered what was about to happen to any unexpected viewers at the door. Fingers combed through Wooyoung’s black hair in the back of his head and they edged closer until their nose’s touches. Two eyes each blended into one because their sight couldn’t focus on such close proximity. They breathe the same air for a few seconds and San could feel how hard his friend’s heart is beating in his chest as they lie pressed from top to bottom. Wooyoung is the one that found the courage to close the last millimetres and their breath hitched when their lips finally, finally meet. A small gasp escaped the younger’s lips as the thing he’d been dreaming about finally happened and the sound of it makes his friend go into overdrive. The soft fingers that played with Wooyoung’s hair grabbed a hold of it instead, yanked on it softly, earning another gasp and San used it to his advantage to deepen the kiss. Cried out slightly from feeling the curve of his friend’s cupid bow against his own, the plumpness of his lips sloppily mirroring his movements. Spreading a wildfire that burned through every nerve in San’s body and he felt like his blood was boiling. His tongue sneaked out as he pressed closer to the other. Wooyoung tasted like chocolate frosting from the birthday cake they had earlier, and San was walking on clouds. Completely and utterly breathless and shuddering as he arched his body slightly to press a weak, uncertain thrust against the other, desperately craving more, more, more. Wooyoung choked on his breath, endorphins swarmed his head and made him dizzy on the high he received. San was warm in his arms as he presses a hand on his back, felt the trapezius muscle clench under the feeling of Wooyoung’s touch. He desperately wanted to throw his leg over the other’s hip. Wanted to press down on the half hard cock he felt was growing there but stopped himself before he did so. Knew that there was a time and place for everything and right now, with the members only a few meters away, his bedroom door open and without any rational thought whatsoever, any other time would be better. He was the one that parted them, and San whined and pouted when he did so, unhappy that the younger pulled away. He swallowed, looked at the other with hooded, drunk eyes and even though all he wanted was to taste those lips again, a rational part of his brain knows that Wooyoung is right to have stopped. Knew that there will be another time for them to give each other their all. San sighed, brushed his hands down his friends back and looked at Wooyoung like he hung his moon and all his stars, and the other looked back at him, a small smile on his lips as he tried to catch his breath. Softly combed back the older’s hair from his forehead with a gentle hand and San closed his eyes. Placed this memory in a box in the furthest part of his mind, knowing that this was the best birthday he has ever had.

17:18

“I love the way your hand fits in mine” San whispered and Wooyoung blushed as he looked down at their intertwined fingers. Felt how his heart fluttered hard in his chest and tried to stifle a big smile so he doesn’t feed the others ego too much. They’re in a hotel name both has forgotten the name off. Separated at first by the management but Wooyoung had begged Mingi to switch rooms with him as soon as they had received the keys. The look he’d given the two spoke of both disbelief and happiness. They laid in bed at the moment, cuddling, while watching a new drama on the tv. Bellies full of the late dinner. Hearts full of being so close to each other. Heads full of pink balls of soft cotton. Up in the clouds with the feelings they had for each other but neither wanted to say out loud, because they were scared that the other would reject them. Scared that they’d lose the friendship they had if they crossed that line. “Sannie-ah” He said, brushed his thumb over his friends knuckles and San hummed a little to show that he listened, while still watching the tv. “I…” He trailed off, knew what he wanted to say but still had to find the courage before he did so. “I don’t ever want you to leave me” They locked gaze. San’s brows were furrowed with confusion from the sudden statement and he shook his head. “I won’t” He promised and Wooyoung wet his lips before he cleared his throat. “Even if Ateez disbands tomorrow… will you stay with me?” The younger knew that it was a big question. Would understand it if San would say no. Except he doesn't. He just chuckled, squeezed Wooyoung’s hands before he planted a sweet kiss on the back of his hand. “My future has you in it, that’s the only thing I know for sure about anything at all. Everything that will follow is just a bonus” He gave his friend another smile and Wooyoung’s stomach did somersaults of happiness. He sighed, content and squeezed San’s hand when the latter places the next kiss on the crown of his head.

09:02

San’s body was on fire. Burned with every kiss Wooyoung placed on it. From his neck, down his shoulders, his collarbones, his naked chest, the clenched-up muscles on his stomach. He gasped out slightly when the youngers fingertips ghosted his sides, the touch tickled him slightly. “Sorry” Wooyoung whispered softly and San choked on his breath. “Don’t be” He pulled his friend up again just as Wooyoung placed the last kiss above the lining of his underwear. There was an insatiable hunger in him that couldn’t be satisfied, and his breath hitched once again as he pressed their lips together. The now familiar feeling of the other’s cupid bow over his own, the unbelievable softness of them - almost made San whimper, even though he’d been kissing those lips for almost a month now. It was addicting. The small noises his best friend did when San placed the next kiss underneath his jaw, trailing his lips over his neck and swallowed hard when the other’s cologne clouded his senses. The way Wooyoung pressed his naked chest against San. The way his breath hitched when San trailed his hands over his body. They’d been doing this for a while now, a few weeks. Just kissing. Indulging in the feeling of skin against skin. Mapping out every freckle on the others body. Every scar. Didn’t want to rush things, but rather just took it slow. In their own pace. Knew that there would be a time when they both felt like they had the time to properly treat each other right. The other members knew. But neither of them minded or seemed bothered at all when San randomly embraced Wooyoung and placed a small peck on his lips just before breakfast in their dorm a week ago. It all seemed like a dream, and San never wanted to wake up.

10:04

Weeks passed. So did the summer. It was still quite hot outside, enough to dress in jeans and a tee but it seemed like autumn was taking its first wobbly steps when the first few leaves started to fade in colour. They worked on their comeback, took one step at a time, just like the scenery outside. Had two weeks free from any sort of travelling at the beginning of September to just focus on the album, the music and choreo and used that time to perfect what they’d created. It was a challenge. This was their first full album and needless to say - the expectations were high. Wooyoung sighed and slumped over in the studio couch with a sullen pout on his lips. Put on his headphones, replayed his part of the song again and closed his eyes for a few seconds to listen without getting distracted by the gorgeous figure sitting on the couch next to him. He became more annoyed, something just didn’t sound right, replayed the same part again and let his gaze linger on his best friend instead. They had switched hair colours for the new concept, completely unintentional and the dark hair that now covered San’s forehead made him look more amazing than Wooyoung had ever seen him before. The long hair in the back of his neck was even more prominent now, and with that dash of blue the hairdressers added… “Do I have something on my face” San interrupted his thoughts and brushed over his lips and cheeks to make sure that it was crumble free of the small lunch they had earlier. “No… I…” Wooyoung removed the headphones and shook his head, a bit embarrassed that he was caught red handed. “You were staring at me” Something provocative shadowed the other’s face as he smirked, one eyebrow raised, and he licked his lower lip into his mouth and gave Wooyoung a look that made the younger’s knees feel weak and his pink blush to get even darker. “Wooyoungie” San purred softly and rose up from the couch to sit next to his friend instead. “No need to be shy” He assured and Wooyoung swallowed hard. Felt how he wanted to defend himself, but his thoughts were interrupted. San’s lips were on his before he even had the time to finish his train of thought and he immediately gasped with surprise to the feeling before he broke the kiss again. “What are you doing?” He whispered angrily. “What? San asked back, a wrinkle of confusion between his brows. “I only wanted to kiss you” He tried to explain, a small smile on his lips. Like he thought the other was just joking but Wooyoung just shook his head violently. “We can’t. Not here” The older of the two recoiled on himself with a surprised expression on his face and Wooyoung could see that he was hurt. “Why not? What difference does it make? People will know about us sooner or later, we will tell. Right?” San smiled softly but it quickly faltered when Wooyoung looked away, wet his lips nervously and fiddled with the hem of his shirt. “Right? San pressed on and Wooyoung tilted his head and his mouth fell open to say something, anything, but no words came out. San raised his hands in a ‘what the hell’ motion and the soft smile changed into one of disbelief. “So what? Your plan was to just ignore me and only let me touch you like we’ve always done; the regular small skin ship we usually do? But I won’t be allowed to kiss you? To hold you like I do when we’re alone? You’re just going to just ignore us forever?” “I… I don’t know how to answer that” The younger answered quietly and felt how his heart hammered hard in his chest. It felt like he was going to get sick in his stomach when San quickly rose up from his place beside him as his expression changed from surprise to sorrow. “Have all of this just been a joke to you? Every kiss, every promise? You never wanted us to be real, not officially, did you?” San’s voice was awfully calm when he spoke and it hurt so bad it felt like Wooyoung’s heart split into countless tiny pieces, like glass breaking against a stone floor. The razor-sharp splinters gutted him, and he swallowed hard, barely allowed himself to take a deep breath in the tense air between them. He wanted San to be pissed off, to scream and shout because it would feel better to just get angry than to feel the guilt, he felt in his chest now. Everything they’d been doing so far had been amazing, unreal like a dazed pink dream. But Wooyoung knew that he had to wake up. Knew that even though he had all of these feelings inside of him, none of them could be realized, not in the way they both wanted. He swallowed hard, tried to get a hold of some sort of reason, some sort of explanation to make San feel better. Hated the way his friend looked at him right now. “We… we are real, Sannie. I just… we - we’re idols…” San shook his head in disbelief, tears in his eyes as he gave his friend one last glance before he turned on his heel. The door slammed shut after him and the demon, that voice, that Wooyoung had forced into a corner for the last few months returned with full power. Towered over him with oozing black smoke that entered his bloodstream and poisoned his mind. You’re not good enough. You’ll never be and now you just forced away the only person who could ever love you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

14:09

San was exhausted. He’d been crying for hours. Buried underneath his many plushies while holding onto Shiber. Legs raised up towards his chest as he curled onto himself with his back against the door so that no one could see the horrible state that he was in. Pressed his nose into the comforting fur of the plush dog and shook with quiet choked up sobs. Yunho had carefully asked him why he was crying. If he wanted to talk, ready to close their bedroom door if San wanted the privacy, but he’d just shook his head. He heard how Wooyoung came home, the walls shook when he slammed shut the bedroom door at the other end of the dorm and Seonghwa were quick on his steps after him, probably both to scold him for the door slamming and to ask if his fired up emotions were connected to San’s. He didn’t want to eat dinner - because he didn’t felt hungry at all. Didn’t want to join the other members when they sat down in front of the tv and watched the football game that he’d been looking forward to all week - because Wooyoung wouldn’t be there in his arms, watching it with him. Didn’t want the tea that Seonghwa offered him just before bedtime - because it was Wooyoung’s favourite and the smell of it and the thought of him made San's whole body ache. Didn’t want to sleep when Yunho, tall as he was, properly tucked him in and squeezed his arm with a small sigh before he placed the blanket over San - because he was lonely, without his best friend to hold. Didn’t want to eat breakfast when it was served in the morning - because he felt too sick to eat anything anyway. Didn’t want to join them for dance practise just before lunch but was forced anyway, and Hongjoong just placed a steady warm hand on his shoulder before he pushed him out of the room, he’d been camping in for the last 24 hours. He couldn’t meet Wooyoung’s eyes. He cried in the car as they drove to the company, silent tears wet his clasped hands as he looked out the window. Cried as they trained on their choreo, his breath hitching with every laboured sigh. Cried as his knees finally gave out from pushing himself too far and not breathing properly in the pauses of dancing. Cried when Wooyoung was the first to catch him before he fell to the floor. Cried as he held onto his friend, who smelled of soap and cologne and boy and everything San needed. Choked on his breath when Wooyoung gripped onto the collar of his shirt and pressed his lips upon San’s, mumbling a curse word over his lips at the other’s recklessness.

05:18

San was breathing softly beside him and Wooyoung couldn’t help but watch. They had started to watch a movie way too late yesterday and must’ve accidentally fell asleep on the couch. It was early, the autumn sun barely up and the other members still snored, a mumble in their sleep here and there while completely unconscious to the world. Wooyoung was pressed against the backrest, with his hand on San’s back to keep him from falling down the edge. They lay face to face, legs tangled and Wooyoung sighed deeply and couldn’t help but smile at the vision in front of him. San’s lips were slightly parted and soft snores erupted from his throat but Wooyoung still thought he looked like an angel. The soft glow from the lamp in the window illuminated his features and send a shadow over his eyes that made his eyelashes look longer than they really were. If Wooyoung would be immortal and have all the time in the world, he’d probably watch his friend for hours, but he could already feel his stomach grumble for food. He reached out and moved a lock of hair that had fallen over the other’s eyes with the intent to wake him up. But San just groaned in his sleep, pouted and whispered an incoherent wish that whoever was touching him would stop. The younger smiled and felt how his heart skipped slightly as he edged closer until he pressed their foreheads together and placed a small peck on his friend’s lips. Brushed his nose against San’s in a sweet Inuit kiss. “Sannie-ah” Wooyoung said softly and the older groaned slightly again, pushed the leg that was already between Wooyoung’s, higher and sneaked his arm around him tighter. Flushing their bodies together from head to toe before he stretched out like a cat. “Wooyoungie” He hummed happily and returned the Inuit kiss before he pecked the younger’s lips and inhaled deeply while he indulged in feeling their bodies so close. It took another fifteen minutes before San opened his eyes. Wooyoung had raised himself up slightly and started the tv again, since he’d gotten bored but didn’t want to leave the comfortable place stuck between the backrest and his friend’s sleepy warm body, the hunger in his stomach be damned. “Morning” The older said and squinted slightly from the sudden brightness, burrowed his face in Wooyoung’s chest, rubbed his face there and sighed happily before he looked up again. “Did you really just rub the sleep out of your face on my shirt instead of using your hands?” Wooyoung asked, a smile tugging on his lips. “Maybe I did, whatcha gonna do ‘bout it?” San mumbled and stuck his tongue out. The younger couldn’t help but smile back when the dimples in San’s cheeks made an appearance. A smile that turned into a soft sigh as his friend reached out to comb back the hair that covered the younger's forehead.

12:15

“I’m sorry” It was a whisper, but San still picked up on it. That and the hidden sadness in Wooyoung’s voice as he sat down opposite side of him at the kitchen table. “Why?” The older of the two asked and a puzzled wrinkle appeared between his brows as he shoved another full spoon of food into his mouth. A bit unsure of whatever it was that made Wooyoung squirm uncomfortably in his seat to the question. “The other day. I… I never meant for you to…  I- I mean… I never wanted… “ He cleared his throat and San swallowed and waited, uneasy and hesitant of what Wooyoung wanted to say. “I’ve been thinking and… If you want us to… then I want us to be together in every way possible as well. I want us to be official. The first openly gay relationship in the history of kpop. That would certainly create some headlines, wouldn’t it?” Wooyoung chuckled nervously. Awkwardly scratched the back of his head while he avoided his friends gaze. Drummed his fingers against the table. San cringed slightly and reached out to stop the fidgety hand. Traced the soft lines of veins on the back of it, interlaced their fingers and met his friend’s eyes just as they travelled up from the place where their bodies connected. “No, I’m sorry. I was the one who didn’t think” San sighed heavily and pursed his lips. Tried to place the thoughts running in his mind in order before he let them escape his mouth. “We are idols. Still rookies, but with more eyes on us now than ever before and I understand that you’re afraid. I really am too. It was harsh of me to react the way I did. I just…” He groaned slightly, rubbed the hand that wasn’t occupied, down his face to mentally prepare himself for what he was about to say. “I just… I was so, so afraid that I would lose you” He swallowed hard. Felt how Wooyoung stroked his thumb with a reassuring motion. “I want to scream from the highest mountain top that you belong to me and me alone. I want everyone to know that I…” He paused, looked away and felt how his cheeks flushed red. “And when you said that you wanted to hide our relationship from the world. A sick and twisted part of me was convinced that you never… that you never…” “I do”   Wooyoung smiled softly and squeezed his best friend’s hand. The three burning words left unsaid between them.

23:43

“Hyung?” Wooyoung jumped up on the bed San was resting on, scooted up so that he sat between San’s legs and the older of the two looked up from the book he was reading. They were in a hotel room, sleepy and fatigued after arriving to Thailand just an hour ago. They were lucky. The two of them had gotten a room together since they were going to do an appearance on Twitter blue room the next day. “Hyung?” San asked back and closed the book, suddenly intrigued by the sudden honorific that Wooyoung hadn’t used since… well since they first met. “Why?” San continued and Wooyoung nervously licked his bottom lip into his mouth. “I wanted to ask you something and thought… well… I thought I’d be polite about it” He answered and San curiously flicked his head to the side. A small smile tugged on his lips as he placed the book on the bedside table, sat up more comfortably against the pillows piled up under his shoulders, clasped his hands to rest over his stomach and watched his friend with a look that made Wooyoung breathless. A small pause silenced the two busy minds as the younger of the two just sat there, with his hands resting on his folded knees, still placed between San’s, who leaned back, waiting. “I… I need… you” Wooyoung mumbled under his breath, met his friend’s eyes but quickly looked away again. A precious pink flushed his cheeks and San’s heart flipped hard in his chest. “You…?” He asked, the question trailed off as if he was unsure if he’d heard correctly. “I want you so bad it hurts. I can’t take any more of this… just kissing and holding each other… I…” Wooyoung got quiet again, anxiously chewed on his inner cheek when he realized he’d been rambling and sighed deeply, like he’d held his breath for a long time. “I… uh…” San was completely stumped. How was he supposed to answer that? Should he even say anything at all? Wooyoung sighed heavily, muttered a curse under his breath and closed the distance between them with one sharp movement. San flinched slightly, fully prepared to get bruised but the younger caught himself in the movement, cupped the other’s face softly and when their lips met, time seemed to travel in slow motion. The younger tasted off sweet iced tea and San melted to putty in his arms, sighed as euphoria exploded in his heart before the feeling spread throughout his body. He fell back against the pillows completely and placed his hands on his friend, pulling him down with him. Wooyoung. The weight of his body, strong and lean from years of dancing, felt like heaven upon San’s own and he felt his breath hitch as the younger deepened the kiss, drank the taste of him, the smell, the feeling and San never wanted it to stop. His head was swarming and the white noise that rang in his ears, like the buzz of a whole colony of angry bees, made him deaf to anything else than the sound of moans swallowed by wet sloppy kisses and the sweet gasp of surprise that fell from Wooyoung’s lips when the older pressed his growing boner on his thigh. The way his body screamed for more and more and more and that insatiable hunger that Wooyoung lit in his body made him crazy with overwhelming feelings. The way his arousal hammered hard in his body. The rustling sound of fabric as they quickly shed their clothes. The hushed groan that fell from the youngers lips as San placed his hands on his naked chest. Placed his next kiss on the mole in the corner of Wooyoung’s lips, kissed the one underneath his left eye. Trailed his lips under his jaw, down the side of throat and got drunk on the way the younger moaned when he nibbled on the soft skin over the large carotid artery on the side of his neck. The sharp inhales of breath, as if the two of them forgot that oxygen was needed when they finally lay completely skin to skin. San flipped them over, and gasp escaped his mouth when the dream he’s had for so, so long now finally became realized. His friend was on display for him. Legs parted, so San could sit in between them, fingers combed through the blonde messy hair off his, chest heaving with each shaky breath and San choked on his breath again, it was inevitable, when his eyes stopped at the leaking hard cock, blood red and twitching, turned towards the other’s belly button and Wooyoung almost whimpered as his hands fiddle with the sheets at the sides to stop himself from reaching down. “You’re beautiful” San could feel his heartbeat in his ears and tears in his eyes - from arousal, from the fact that he’s so unbelievable turned on that it was on the verge of being embarrassing… From the sight in front of him. Wooyoung looked away. Nervously bit down on his lip and time pauses between them again, because neither knows what to do now. Doesn’t know how to take the next step, where should they stop? Wait… Did they really want to stop? Was San literally going to have his wettest dream ever turn reality just before midnight in a hotel the day before they’re going to do a big event? Wooyoung beat him to it, like he usually did, and San could only choke on a groan when his friend reached out and closed a secure hand over the length of his cock. “You’re overthinking too much, babe” Wooyoung whispered and placed a warm hand on the back of San’s head to bring him down before their lips met again. San saw stars in the darkness behind closed eyelids.

15:15

They changed after that one time. Like that last paper-thin invisible wall between them was finally torn apart. The comeback rolled around with the new album. Promotions, stages and travelling filled their days, causing sleepless nights and days that never seemed to end. Wooyoung rubbed the bridge of his nose and leaned back against the wall of the waiting room they’d been placed in. They were minutes from entering the small radio studio. One member short, three of them sick with a cold and Wooyoung just wanted to go home. Home to the security and familiarity of their dorm. Home to the place where he didn't have to think about how he looked or how his voice would turn out when he sang. Home where he could catch San in his arms and plant a kiss on his lips as they passed each other in the corridor that connected their rooms. Home where he could kiss those lips as much, and for as long as he wanted. Don’t misunderstand. He loved what he was doing, what they as a unit, had created… but this comeback in particular had been tough on all of them and he longed from a small break when he could do something he wanted to do for a chance. “Everything ok?” He flinched when the deep voice whispered in his ear, the hair on his neck standing when a figure came to stand right next to him. He turned, heart in his throat and immediately reached out to slap the arm of the person who now stood doubled over and laughing so hard Wooyoung thought a lung would burst. “You should’ve seen your face” San’s breath hitched from the lack of breath when he talked and he inhaled deeply, tried to collect himself, even closed his eyes for a few seconds to calm himself down but still only managed to hold the serious face he put on for two seconds until he started laughing again. Wooyoung wasn’t laughing. He just shook his head, like he couldn’t believe his friend and sighed deeply. Knew that he should be angry, because it wasn’t funny - but the dimples in San’s face and the way that he was still laughing at the prank he just pulled, made the corners of his lips twitch slightly as he tried to hold his composed posture. “Sorry darling” San whispered and placed his hand on Wooyoung’s shoulder to hold himself upright. Wooyoung shook his head again, swept the area with his eyes to make sure that they were alone before he cupped his friends face and placed a chaste kiss on his lips, taking away both the other’s laughter and his ability to breathe.

13:19

Fans noticed the change in their relationship as well. The feeds of their ship name exploded with every fan sign and the numbers of photos and videos raised on every possible platform. San didn’t know if he should be happy and proud that they had such talented and bright fans or worried because of that same reason. There hadn’t been any speculations that their relationship was real in any sort of way and management had been quiet so far. San hoped that they didn’t know, or at least that they didn’t care as long as the two of them kept what they did behind closed doors. The sort of industry they were in was a whole can of worms none of them (not San, not Wooyoung and certainly not management) wanted to open. The controversies of openly gay people in Korea was a heated subject and San cringed with uncomfortableness when he thought about it. It wasn’t forbidden, but they were a population driven by tradition and strict unspoken rules and while the “nuclear family” concept was a major part of that, anything that diverted from that perfect ideal was something no one wanted to have anything to deal with. Not San, who couldn’t imagine that he’d ever fit in with that concept. Not Wooyoung, who had way too much on his mind to even consider wanting a family, ever - both of them rather marrying the music, the art of dance, of expression, of freedom and colour and nature. Both of them rather marrying each other. But both of them also knew that it was still a dream to imagine something that big.

21:00

The 24th of October marked their first anniversary and Wooyoung had been fiddly all day. He couldn’t sit still. Couldn’t focus. Was so nervous he could feel his legs shake when they finally walked up on stage, singing the song that set the mark for them as a group and as a family almost a year and a half ago. They talked, cried, thanked everyone for coming, thanked the people who watched the livestream, performed and laughed and Wooyoung held his members tight when they did a group hug as soon as they had exited the stage. Held onto each other for a bit longer than necessary, breathing as a unit for a minute or two. Thankful that he had the fortune to share everything- this moment, with the people he loved. He looked over at San, his heart aching as the older of the two smiled through the tears that still streamed down his cheeks. Thankful that he found someone he considered his soulmate. Someone he never expected to meet at the age he was, in the industry he was working in, doing what he did for a living. Thankful that he could spend every waking minute watching his friend and every sleeping, being right there next to him. Never too far away and always keeping one eye on each other when they were apart. Never too far away to not be able to close the distance between them again. Thankful for the way that his best friend - his love, embraced him again when they were alone, after staff and the rest of the group made themselves ready to go back to the dorm. Hungry hands grabbing at his clothes, as if the action would force him closer. Thankful for the way that San’s lips moulded upon his own after they locked themselves into a bathroom a few doors down. The way the edge of the sink dug into the small of Wooyoung’s back when he was pressed into it by his friend’s body. The way San’s cock quickly got harder and harder against his thigh as the kisses got more and more urgent, more insistent, more voracious. Wooyoung whimpered against the others collarbone and the deep growl that escaped San’s throat made him weak in the knees. It was sloppy, wet and Wooyoung never wanted the high that flooded through his body and rushing through his bloodstream, to stop. San grabbed his hand, needy and demanding, and placed his open palm between his legs and the younger’s breath hitched when he felt the hardness there. A wave of confidence washed over Wooyoung as he unbuttoned the other’s pants, pulled down the zipper in one fast movement and San shuddered against him as his friend closed his hand around his cock. San wasn’t slow with mirroring the motion and Wooyoung melted to putty as his knees almost went out. Fell forward slightly with a breathless gasp and rested his forehead on San’s shoulder, watching as his best friend jerked him off too. Both thinking the same thing as their other hands sneaked around each other’s waist. San’s lips tasted sugary sweet of the cake they ate earlier, and Wooyoung was in heaven, he was sure of it. The intoxicating feeling of release was upon them faster than they both wanted but neither could hold back, neither wanted to hold back. San was the one that fell first, gasping back a rumbling moan between Wooyoung’s lips, and the younger’s breath hitched as cum splattered over his clasped hands. The older let him go, temporarily, placed his hand over his friend’s and the hand, wet with cum now, that closed around Wooyoung again made him quiver and a small whine slipped between his lips. He leaned back against the mirror, gasped when San placed soft nibbles underneath his collarbone, where a shirt would easily hide the marks later. “Fuck, you’re so amazing Woo, so fucking gorgeous” San’s voice was hushed against his ear and exactly what he needed as he came so hard his knees trembled. Coating his best friend’s hand completely and San’s breath hitched as he did so, almost amazed like he couldn’t believe that this is reality and honestly, neither could Wooyoung himself. So drunk on the high from the orgasm and the love he could feel, radiating from the other that nothing else mattered. Not the fact that they had no idea how to escape the building in the state they were in without causing a scandal or the fact that their leader was angrily knocking on the bathroom door, telling them with an annoyed voice that he would never treat them for dinner ever again if they didn't hurry the fuck up. A threat that Wooyoung took very seriously, but not serious enough that he didn’t take thirty more seconds of placing another sweet kiss on his love’s lips and chuckled slightly at the mess they’d created before he reached for the paper towels behind him.

11:43

“I could stare at your eyes forever” Wooyoung said, clutched at San’s side as they rested on the couch at the dorm. The tv was on, but none of them were really watching. San was studying English, or at least he’d tried to until his best friend laid down next to him, even though it was clearly next to no place left for him and scooted San closer to the backrest before he placed his arm over his friend’s midriff. The older of the two had grumbled slightly since he was put in an uncomfortable position and Seonghwa, who’d been on the other side of the couch sighed deeply as he looked over at the two snuggling men and muttered something incoherent under his breath before he rose up from his place. His steps trailing off to Wooyoung and Yeosang’s shared bedroom instead. “First off, that’s a lie and secondly cheesy as fuck” San answered what Wooyoung just said but didn’t look up from the pages he read as he talked. Glasses adorned his face and Wooyoung pouted slightly as he nuzzled his nose onto the other’s neck and earned a startled gasp when he did so. San gave the younger a look of warning, brows furrowed and eyes into squinting crescents and Wooyoung knew that he tried to look pissed off at his actions but nothing he’d ever done so far had angered the other. “Why is it a lie?” Wooyoung asked instead and puffed out his chest a little. Ready to defend his honour. “Forever is a really long time, Youngie. You can barely sit still for more than two minutes, so you can’t really expect me to believe that you’d spend so much time just staring at my eyes” The younger of the two stuck his tongue out, the desire to defend his honour falling flat as he wasn’t really one willing to fight against a good argument. San chuckled softly under his breath and turned the page to the next lesson. A few minutes passed. San read the words out loud and Wooyoung mimicked the way he spoke silently to himself. Tried to copy the way his friend pronounced the difficult sentences, but without success. A minute more passed and Wooyoung was getting bored. He rubbed his face against the others shoulder. Closed his eyes and inhaled the familiar, safe smell that filled his senses and calmed his busy mind. “Sannie-ah” He said suddenly when San had turned another page. The older hummed in response, still not looking at his friend. “You can either choose to spend time with me, or you can choose to spend time with me. Those are your options” He said in a sugary sweet voice while fluttering his eyelashes and San shook his head in disbelief and tried to hold back a laughter. “What about the third option?” San asked and finally met Wooyoung’s eyes. “What?” The younger asked and looked back at him, puzzled. “You find someone else to bother and I can finish studying. We need someone else than hyung to rely on when we go abroad” Wooyoung pouted. Looked away as he felt his cheeks flush. Knew that it was selfish of him to crave so much attention when his friend was clearly trying to improve the way the group was perceived. “Maybe you need a little break? I can… I can…” Wooyoung started and glanced behind him towards the kitchen. “I can uh, make you something to eat. Bake some cookies or something” San met the other’s eyes. Wooyoung’s face was still slightly flushed a light pink, brown eyes pleading for some sort of attention. San sighed, knew in his heart that maybe he’d been a bit harsh with his words. He knew how his friend worked by now after all. Knew that he only craved that necessary human contact a bit more than your average person. And who was San to reject him that? He placed the book at the floor below them, placed his hand on the youngers thigh to pull it over his waist and met his friend’s surprised eyes again. Those eyes that darkened so incredibly fast San could feel his heart flip hard in his chest. He placed his hands on the others waist and (with some help) hoisted him up so that Wooyoung sat straddled over his waist. “What if I wanted you? You’re sweet enough to eat” San whispered and winked as the colour of Wooyoung’s face got darker. His fingers rid up the younger’s shirt slightly and Wooyoung gasped slightly with surprise as San placed his hands on the naked skin over his hips instead. Wooyoung’s hands splayed over his friend’s chest and he could already feel his arousal rushing through his body like a rapid fire. He was just about to lean down and catch San’s lips when a surprised shriek made them both flinch with surprise. “The living room too? My god, I knew it was a mistake to agree to live like this. What even did I expect with eight horny guys within 200 square meters? My eyes, my virgin eyes” Jongho’s complaining voice trailed off as he quickly fled the scene and locked himself in his room. The couple on the couch locked eyes and busted out in a laughing fit, thinking that maybe, just maybe, they should go into the private of one of their own rooms instead as well before things started to escalate even more.

20:09

Sometimes Wooyoung was unsure if he could trust his heart at all. He knew that he, his heart, soul, mind and body that is, had made a right choice. About the career he’d chosen, about the group he’d been paired up with, about the decisions he made in everyday life. About the fact that he loved Choi San. But that was still something entirely else. Something consuming, suffocating, amazing and enticing. To know that every look, every smile, every laugh, every snap of those hips of his when he danced, were all Wooyoung’s. No one else. They could imagine. Could fantasise. But it was Wooyoung’s bed that San chose to crawl into when he felt lonely. Wooyoung’s body he pressed against the wall of a bathroom stall when they had been without close body contact for too long. Wooyoung’s voice that he silenced with one hand over his mouth as his other closed around the younger’s hard cock. Wooyoung’s cum he smeared over his bottom lip as his friend came down his throat. San was his and he was San’s. That was just the way it was. And it scared him. It scared him that all the love he felt for the other could never be out in the open. That it would only take one photographer in the wrong place for everything to go to hell. That the pure fact that they were both men was the main reason why his heart flipped with anxiousness every time San closed in on the safe distance, they always put between them when they were in public places. That he didn’t know if a magazine would predict his sexuality, or San’s, and put it on the front page before he’d even figured it out himself. It scared him so much that he was unsure if he could trust his heart at all. Because everything else, his mind, the logic part of his brain, told him to quit doing what he was doing. To quit acting like an idiot. To just wake up from the pink coloured shimmer that clouded his senses whenever he was with his best friend. “What are you thinking about?” But then that voice interrupted his anxious mind. “You looked so lost, Woo” Those arms wrapped around his body. “Sorry for bothering your train of thought, I just needed to…” Those lips were upon his. And he was home, wondering why he ever doubted himself.

08:09

Rain was smattering on the windows of their dorm when the question first arose. “Sannie-ah?” Wooyoung asked, just before breakfast and still sleepily cuddling his friend. They had a lazy day, with only dance practise and a meeting later in the afternoon planned. San hummed in response; eyes still closed as he nuzzled his nose into the younger’s pillow. The bottom mattress of the bunk beds were empty. Yeosang had fled the room muttering something about five years of friendship and how he has never felt so betrayed in his entire life when Wooyoung had entered their bedroom with his arm looped with San’s late in the evening yesterday.   Loudly complaining to Yunho when he’d climbed into San’s empty bed a few doors down. “I uh… I was wondering if… if you wanted to… I- I mean… if you think that we are ready… because it’s totally ok if you don’t...” Wooyoung trailed off and San opened his eyes, curious as to why his friend seemed to have such a problem asking whatever it were, he wanted to ask. The younger looked away, blushing and quickly rolled around in the bed, so that his back was turned towards San instead. The older of the two raised himself up on his elbow and scooted closer, so that his frame was pressed onto Wooyoung’s back before he leaned over his friend. “What?” He asked and Wooyoung exhaled sharply, frustratedly at the heavy words he wanted to say. “Nevermind” He muttered and even though San wanted to press on, he decided to just leave it. Guessing that the question would probably rise up again if it was important. The next time it happened, it was the same afternoon. They were the last ones in the dance studio. Goofed around to the music that played loudly. Came up with new twists of their choreography. Set a random list on shuffle and competed who’d remember the dance to it first. Laughed loudly whenever the other messed up. The song switched. San could see how Wooyoung’s face fell in the mirror in front of them when the notorious song “The Eve” started to play. He just gave the other a smirk just as the chorus started and delivered the fatal blow in the choreo that made Wooyoung’s eyes so dark San thought he’d drown in them. The younger’s lips were on his within two seconds and San yelped in surprise when the tackle almost made them both fall over. It was hurried, close to painful as teeth almost clashed and noses brushed, but the older quickly placed his arms around his friend, pulling him in closer with a tilt of his head. A familiar fire lit in his body and he was gasping for air within seconds, feeling like he was drowning but welcomed the feeling - leaned into it and groaned with disappointment when Wooyoung suddenly took a step back, out of San’s arms and broke them apart. “We should fuck” Time seemed to freeze around them as soon as the words fell from Wooyoung’s lips and San had to take a few seconds, still a bit lightheaded from the kiss, while his brain was processing what just happened before he could react. He chuckled slightly, with a voice that seemed to think that his friend was joking. “What, like right here?” He asked, brows raised as he nodded towards the dirty dance floor and Wooyoung inhaled sharply, his chest shaking slightly while he did so. But he didn’t break out in a smile and San’s face fell. He fiddled with his shirt as he realized the situation. Opened his mouth to try and explain himself but Wooyoung interrupted. “I know that you’re just joking but yes, right here, if you want to. I don’t care anymore. I’m so sick and tired of waiting for the perfect time. I just want you to fuck me for so good, for so long that the only thing in my mind will be your hands on my body and the way you’ll sound when you’re inside of me” Wooyoung was breathless, almost gasping for air. The words he’d just said left him shocked and he could feel how his whole body flushed red when San’s mouth fell open. “I…” The older tried his hardest to form a sentence or even just a few words, any sort of words that would make sense. A few seconds passed. Neither of them moved a muscle. “I… won’t fuck you right here and now. I’ll treat you good. On a bed. With candles. All of that good stuff” San finally said and chewed on the inside of his cheek as his heart thumped in his chest and his stomach did somersaults. Wooyoung nodded slowly, knowing that for their own sakes, the floor of the dance studio was probably not the best place to get down on. A chuckle escaped San’s mouth as he pulled in the younger for a soft hug.

16:34

It was fifteen days before Wooyoung’s birthday. They had a fan sign in Suwon that day and nothing planned the day after. It took some negotiation and a few days of consideration and planning, but management finally agreed to let them spend the night alone in a nice hotel, even though the town they were going to be in was only 30 kilometres from Seoul. On two conditions that was - one; they had to pay everything out of their own pockets, food, the room, anything else that they wanted and two; three staff members would come with, to make sure that they weren’t going to get ambushed in case someone would recognise them.   So here they were. After the fan sign was over and the other members gave them all too knowing smirks and did suggestive hand gestures that quickly made their manager close the car door in case a photographer would be within distance. Wooyoung thought his heart would jump out of his chest when their manager held out their room key, gave them a sharp look and for a second they both feared that the furrowed brows was out of disappointment. “Boys. We know. We all know. Some disapprove but most of us are happy. We just want you to be careful” They both nodded, felt how the anxiousness in their bodies eased off and their manager just gave them a swift nod before he turned around to enter a room a few doors down. It was still only afternoon so they both decided to get something to eat. Watched some tv, played some games and tried to act normal. But there was a tense feeling in the air. Something that neither could shake off. They watched the sunset, fingers laced together and it almost felt like they were going to perform a ritual when Wooyoung closed the balcony door after them, moved the curtains to cover the windows and turned around just in time to see how San grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head. He wet his lips, feeling nervous all of a sudden and not at all as pushy he’d been when he first requested that they’d sleep together. “We’re really doing this, huh?” He asked as San closed the distance between them with two quick steps. “We’re really doing this” His friend whispered back with a short nod and Wooyoung could see how his Adam’s apple bopped when he swallowed hard. The older looked up, unsure if he should proceed and Wooyoung nodded slightly, closed the last step between their bodies and grabbed the other’s hands before he put them on his hips. Felt how his heart raced in his chest when San’s warm hands sneaked under his shirt, grabbed the hem of it and pulled it over his head as well. Wooyoung bit his lip. He’d seen the other like this so many times, he thought he’d be used to it by now. But it still took his breath away. The way his friend was sculpted. The way those jeans he was wearing hugged his hips and legs. The way he took a shaky inhale of breath when Wooyoung admired his beauty. San blushed, looked away as the younger placed his hands on his thin waist, thumbs rubbing down the v shape of his hip bones. “I still can’t believe it” Wooyoung whispered, the disbelief mirrored in his voice as San locked his arms around his waist. “What?” The older asked, and Wooyoung shuddered slightly from the feeling of his hot breath on his face. “I can’t believe that you want me back. That the dream I’ve had for so long, long before I met you - to feel what I feel right now…” He looked up and met the other’s gaze, breath hitching as brown met brown and that gentle smile San only showed for him tore at the strings of his heart. He swallowed and sighed deeply, returned the smile and fought the emotions that bubbled in his chest and strained at his throat. “I couldn’t have said it better myself” San answered softly. His hands travelled up the younger’s chest and Wooyoung closed his eyes when he felt his friend cup his face. It started off as a gentle peck. Just lips pressed against each other. Over and over as their bodies flushed just as close. Belt buckles clanging against each other. The younger’s hands buried themselves in San’s hair. Tugged on the lighter shade that brushed against his neck while his friend’s hands travelled up his back, fingertips almost harshly caressed over the skin with a silent request, a need for more. San took a step back and Wooyoung followed, until the older’s legs hit the bed and they fell backwards in a surprisingly controlled fashion. San on his back now, with Wooyoung half draped over him. They separated, just for a second to snort out a small laugh at their own clumsiness before the younger moved to straddle his friend’s hips and the funny feeling that had paused their moment was blown away. San swallowed hard and his hands came to rest on the younger’s hips again. “I need you” Wooyoung whispered, out of breath and with a stomach that flipped nervously. Like the tiny butterflies that occupied it was fluttering upwards, making him choke on the feeling of his friend’s hard body between his legs. San gave him an almost pained expression, a wrinkle between his brows as his right hand came to rest on his friend’s cheek. Wooyoung closed his eyes again, inhaled deeply as he leaned into the soft touch. When their lips meet again, it was sweet. Gentle. But with an underlying craving, a greedy need for more. Delicate. But with a sense of immediate warmth as they pressed harder against each other. Like that invisible string that connected their bodies got shorter and shorter. Like the affection, the feeling of furious desire and agony that has been building up for so, so long was finally getting released into the air around them. Capsulated them in a time that seemed to slow down as they moved against each other. Coating their senses and sending the hormones that already covered their every action like a fine dust, into overdrive. The feeling spread through Wooyoung’s entire body and he could feel his heart sing with bliss. He arched his back, pressed down on the other, his appetite, the longing he felt simmering in his stomach grew in size with every short gasp of air he could manage to fit in between their lips. Craved more of the feeling that San painted him with, as he deepened the kiss with a small tilt of his head and coaxed Wooyoung’s lips open with a small push of the tip of his tongue. Craved more as the other tasted his lips with a flick of that wicked tongue and Wooyoung’s breath hitched as the ability to gain oxygen to seemed to disappear. His hands get tangled in San’s hair and he pulls on it hard, earning a low, dangerous groan from the other. San’s hands are on him, brushing down his chest, slipping his fingers under the edge of his pants. Pulling desperately on his belt buckle. Jolting Wooyoung’s entire body in the process as he almost violently unhooks it, barely letting the younger catch his breath before he undoes the button and pulled down the zipper in one swift moment. Wooyoung gasps again, lightheaded from the lack of oxygen and the other’s hands on his naked skin. He breaks away from the kiss quickly and raised himself up slightly to pull down the jeans over his thighs. San’s hands leave him for just a few seconds, to take off his own pants and when they finally just had that one last layer of clothing separating them, their eyes met again, and San watched him with that look. The one that made Wooyoung feel like he wanted to cry. Because everything he ever wanted, except for his dream to sing and dance until people would forget his name, was right here, right now. Breathing just as heavily as he was himself. “Can I…?” San asked, his voice broke slightly in the process as he taps on Wooyoung’s hips. The younger doesn’t answer. He don’t have to. They change position and Wooyoung can feel how nervous he really was when he slowly separate his legs. They had seen each other naked before. When taking a shower or nowadays, when they quickly mutually masturbated or just laid skin to skin because it was what they craved, what they needed, at the moment. He choked on his breath as San hooked his fingertips onto the edge and pulled down that final layer of clothes. Screwed his eyes shut as the other inhaled sharply when his cock sprung free, already rock hard and even though Wooyoung couldn't see, he could feel that the tip pressed onto the skin of his lower stomach. San groaned. Cursed under his breath. The younger carefully opened his eyes. Wet his lips and bit hard onto the lower one to keep a moan from slipping out between his lips as he watched his friend. Met those blown out dark eyes. A strand of hair fell over San’s eyes as he tilted his head to the side, as if he wanted to make sure that the vision in front of him was real by seeing it in another angle. A shaky breath shook his chest. “Come here” Wooyoung whispered and made grabby motions with his hands. He didn’t have to ask twice, and San smiled into the kiss as their lips met again. Smiled as Wooyoung’s breath hitched when he snapped his hips forward and thrusted his still clothed cock against the swell of the younger’s ass. San’s kisses travelled, down from the corner of Wooyoung’s lips, to his jaw. Placed sweet burning nibbles down his throat. Wooyoung’s blood was boiling and every quick heartbeat pumped it through his body until it felt like white hot flames licked at every millimetre of him. He couldn’t help but move, desperately craving some sort of release. Cock twitching against the older one’s lower stomach as they lay flush against each other and San swallowed hard from the feeling. Looked up from his position as his lips hovered over a hard, dark nipple and met the other’s eyes before he pressed a flat tongue over it, played with the bud and revelled in the gasp that fell from Wooyoung’s lips. Turned to the other while his hands stroked down the younger’s sides, hands splayed over the ribcage and another short gasp fell from Wooyoung’s lips as the possessive behaviour the other displayed made him immediately submit to the fire that burned as relentless fingertips bruised the thin skin across the bones that hid his vitals. Scorching kisses continued down his midriff, his belly and he choked on his breath again, hands twisting the sheet underneath him when San looked up at him again. Breath ghosting the tip of his cock and the younger trembled. Tried his hardest not to thrust up against the plump soft lips of the other. “Please, I… I need” Wooyoung could hear his voice break as he plead for the release that pricked his skin and left him breathless. A wrinkle appeared as the older raised his brows and a dangerous smirk took over that sinful mouth and Wooyoung suddenly understood what all the fans were talking about when they said that San looked possessed on stage, because that was exactly what he looked like now. With those eyes hooded into two crescents and it felt like Wooyoung looked directly into a solar eclipse because of how dark they were. He chewed on his cheek when the other opened his mouth, hands locked over Wooyoung’s hip bones to trap him against the bed as his tongue sneaked out to kitten lick at the beads of pre-cum that escaped the tip and stars exploded in the darkness behind the younger’s closed eyelids. A drawn-out curse fell from his mouth and he could almost hear how San chuckled before he repeated the action. Softly caressed the other's hipbones with his thumbs. “Look at me Woo” The older’s voice was so deep, so unlike the one he usually spoke with that Wooyoung wondered for a split second if his lover and best friend actually had been replaced with a demon at some time during their session. He reluctantly opened his eyes again, met the other’s eyes and could only whimper when those soft lips of the other’s closed around the head of his cock. “Hyung” The honorific fell from his lips before he could stop them and he swallowed hard when San met his eyes again, surprised, just as he hollowed his cheeks and took him even deeper. The wildfire, so bright and burning, both in San’s eyes and the feeling that exploded in the pit of his stomach made younger’s breath hitch again, and it felt like he was completely and uncompromising engulfed within the flames. His cock hit the back of other’s throat and San choked around him slightly, not used to the feeling as he focused on taking deep calming breaths through his nose. Wooyoung was moaning mess. Body desperately trashing as the muscles in his stomach constricted from the feeling of the other swallowing him down. The tight space that enveloped his cock made him gasp for air, but San held him still. Kept him from thrusting up in his mouth even further as he bobbed his head in his own pace. Humming to the taste of friend as he lapped the head again. Kept eye contact as he swallowed him down and Wooyoung was cursing, both at the way San was treating him and the fact that he was locked down, unable to move. He let go of the sheets, desperately needing some sort of control, some sort of way to be able to reach the finish line faster. San’s hair rippled between his fingertips as he combed through the strands, tugged on them slightly and watched as the other’s eyes rolled back just before he let his eyelids fall. San let go of the restriction he had on the other, at least a little. Allowed Wooyoung to push down his head further. Moaned with his mouth full when the tip of his nose nuzzled the others dark pubic hair and Wooyoung groaned loudly. Back arching and head thrown back against the pillows. Felt how that blinding release was within reach and he held out his hands, a white flag raised as he completely surrendered to the void, ready to fall backwards into the darkness. “Hyung. I… I’m gonna” And San, that bastard, let him go. A smirk on his lips as he wiped the saliva that had trickled down his chin and Wooyoung’s mouth fell open to protest against the pure audacity of his friend. He would’ve argued, if it wasn’t for the hand that immediately closed around the shaft of his cock again. The lazy strokes that followed made him shut up and San chuckled under his breath. “Be good, Woo and I’ll let you come” His breath hitched and he grinned widely at the words. “And if I’m not?” Wooyoung asked and regret the decision to speak against the other as the warm hand quickly left the snug place around his cock. He whined, with pouting lips and furrowed brows and San just shook his head with an ‘I told you so’ expression on his face. Wooyoung swallowed, eyes moving from the others face to the clear dent in his friend’s underwear and he felt a tinge of regret when he noticed the rather large wet spot on the front of them. “I can make up for the disobedience…” He said in the sweetest voice he could muster, and San met his eyes again just as he placed a cupped hand over the head of his friend’s cock and the older almost doubled over from the sudden jolt that ran through his body from the touch. Wooyoung licked his lower lip into his mouth to bite back a loud moan as San rested his forehead against his collarbone when the younger’s fingertips stroked him through the thin material. “Fuck, Woo” The older cursed and exhaled harshly against his friend’s neck, nibbling at the skin there before he managed a deep breath and raised himself up on one arm, enough to lock lips with Wooyoung again. This time, though, it was anything but gentle and the younger met his lips with his mouth open, tongues meeting before lips did and San whimpered, low and guttural as Wooyoung swallowed the taste of him. The need to control, a need that San would’ve never guessed he’d ever feel with the younger, came over him again like a cold shower again and he welcomed the feeling. Submitted to the darkness, the need to dominate. He grabbed his friend's hand firmly, the one that was currently playing with his cock softly, running his fingertips over the head and tipping his thumb into the slit over and over. “More” San groaned against his lips and Wooyoung obeyed, like he’d promised he would, and didn’t hesitate to close his hand around the other’s cock when San pulled the underwear down his thighs. The gasps that fell from San’s lips made him dizzy. He circled the tip with his thumb again, collected the beads of pre-cum there before he let his hand moves over the shaft, jerking him off hard and fast and San groaned deeply as he shuddered against him. “Sannie-ah… hyung… I-” He choked on his own spit, gasping when the older seemed to have read his thoughts. San leaned back, half sitting up, towering over the younger on his kneecaps with his toes digging into the mattress for support. Quickly glanced down and inhaled sharply as he let his gaze rest on the way Wooyoung tugged on his length. The way his cock flopped back against his belly button with every stroke as the younger loosed his grip slightly at the base. He opened his mouth, allowed some saliva to fall from his bottom lip and watched as the spit spread over his friend clasped hand, mixing with the pre-cum there. He heard how the younger groaned at the action and looked up to meet his eyes, drunk with ecstasy. High from the serotonin jumping through the nerve endings in his brain before sending the feeling of euphoria through his body. He reached out, pressed his fingertips against Wooyoung’s lips and his friend opened his mouth without a question. Closed his eyes as San pushed past his lips, coaxing him to coat the fingers properly with saliva before he removed them again. A warm hand softly separated his legs even further and Wooyoung looked away, his cheeks flushing when San reached for a pillow beside him before he gestured for the younger to raise his lower half so he could place it under his waist. The older flinched slightly when Wooyoung let go of his cock, already missing the feeling but knew that he had to stay focused if this would be comfortable for the both of them. “We’re idiots” San whispered and Wooyoung swallowed when he realised the same mistake. They missed two vital parts, condoms and more importantly, since they both were 100 % sure that they didn’t carry any diseases, lube. “I’ll be patient” The younger promised, heart in his throat as he separated his legs further. He braced himself for pain, even closed his eyes again, but the pain never came and when he opened his eyes again, San looked back at him with a big sigh. “You need to relax” The older said and was immediately met with a roll of the other’s eyes. “Choke on my dick and maybe I will. You’re not the one about the get fucked in the ass” San scoffed but did as the younger said without a heartbeat’s hesitation. The vibrations from the older’s chuckle when a silent scream fell from Wooyoung’s mouth as soon as his friend closes his lips around his cock again, just made everything even more intense. San reached up again, took a moment to his advantage and pressed his index and long fingers so far into the younger’s mouth that he could feel his oesophagus clench around his fingers. He chuckled again but was silenced as Wooyoung thrusted harshly upwards as revenge, and San’s eyes watered as the other’s cock almost painfully hit the back of his throat again. He removed his fingers, and while they were still coated in spit, circled Wooyoung’s hole, opened his eyes when the motion earned him a surprised gasp from the younger and took him so deep into his throat as he could in the same moment as he pushed in his finger. It was beautiful, even through the teasing and fucking around with each other they’d just done, to watch as Wooyoung lost it so… completely. San’s eyes teared up again, but this time it was because of a completely different reason than the pain that tore at his throat. Wooyoung writhed underneath him and San let the other’s cock fall from his mouth. Reached forward to lean over his friend. “San” Wooyoung whined, breathless as he opened his eyes again, fingers quickly entangled in the older’s hair as he pushed him down for another kiss. Lips falling open as San adds another finger, carefully scissoring them while pumping them in and out and Wooyoung choked on his breath every time the older tickled that bundle of nerves inside him with his fingertips that make stars dance in front of his eyes. They make eye contact, and Wooyoung can see his own reflection in the darkness of those eyes, sees the way he looks, all flushed pink with his mouth open, panting with his brows furrowed with concentration. He looks away, embarrassed but San doesn’t let him. He leans back, to keep his balance and place the hand that held him upright, on Wooyoung’s chin and even though the motion is careful he still forced his friend to meet his eyes again. “Look at me… You… You’re so beautiful it hurt and the way-” He paused to look down at the way his fingers are being swallowed by the other’s tight hole, over and over again. “Fuck, I-” “I… I can’t take it anymore, I’m ready” Wooyoung interrupts and San swallows hard, nods and spits in his hand before he gives his cock a few strokes. Makes sure to coat it as properly as he could with the means they had. Wooyoung’s heart thumped so hard he can hear it in his ears. He placed his legs around San hips, pulling him in closer by latching them together behind his back and San locks eyes with him again as he guides the tip of his cock against the other’s entrance. … It doesn’t necessarily hurt. The feeling is just… new… and San cursed loudly under his breath as he pushed in the head of his cock, already breathless as Wooyoung squirms to the uncomfortable feeling. “I know it’s not what you want to hear, but you need to relax Woo” San tries to say as he presses his forehead against the younger and Wooyoung gasps loudly when the other tries to move again. San placed a sweet kiss on the other’s lips. Tries to make him think of anything else than the intrusion feeling of the other’s cock pushing deeper and deeper into him. It helps. The feeling of San’s lips moving against his as the older bottoms out inside of him and Wooyoung can only moan out when his fingers close around his cock, pulling at the length while San tries his hardest not to move another muscle until the younger says it’s ok. He blinks away the tears in his eyes as Wooyoung constrict around him, getting more and more used to the feeling of being filled up. “You’re doing so good, baby” San swallows hard and moans as he feel how Wooyoung’s hand brushes against his stomach when he jerk himself off to take his mind off San’s cock twitching inside him. An agonising moment pass and even though it feels like five minutes, no more than thirty seconds has probably passed. “You can move now” He starts out slow, head falling back when the first jolt of his hips rocks the younger’s body. Indulge in the way Wooyoung sound when the tip of his cock nudges against his prostate. Loved the way Wooyoung looks up at him, eyes drunk and hooded as he lazily stroke the underside of his cock to the pace that San has set. Moaned loudly when he picked up the speed and Wooyoung’s eyes fall back as his back arches from the pleasure that shoots up his spine. Cursed even louder when his best friend, his lover, spreads his legs even wider and places them on his shoulders instead and San sinks lower into him than before. The younger is a mess underneath him. Groaning and cursing under his breath with his arms thrown over his head, cock flopping against his lower stomach now with every thrust San moves his body with, too scared that he’ll come too fast if he keeps touching himself. He holds onto the pillow his head in resting on, swallows hard as San grips onto his hips, moving his whole body down to impale him on his cock as he jolted his hips forward to meet them. “Are you close Wooyoungie?” San’s voice is laboured, and he breathes hard with the question and Wooyoung opens his mouth to answer but realise that no words come out, so he settle with just nodding shortly. So close now that he only needs to take a step backwards and he’d fall into the abyss. He reaches out, place his hand in the softness of the others hair in the back of his neck and San’s whimper is muffled by Wooyoung’s lips as they press their lips together. It’s hungry, without control and less of a kiss than just the need to taste each other. Wooyoung clenches around him. It’s totally without his control and only because the sudden closeness between them caused the lower part of their bodies to rub against each other. Stuck between two clenching stomach was the younger’s neglected cock and the pleasure that shot through Wooyoung with the friction caused him to clench. But it was enough to send San toppling over and just like that, he paused, breath hitching as his eyes rolled back and Wooyoung gasped with realisation as the other’s cock twitched inside him, painting his insides with ribbons of warm cum. He shuddered, arching his whole body to the satisfying feeling and San wasted no time, not even down from his high before he started to move again, closed one secure hand over Wooyoung’s cock and locked their lips together again. Taking away his friend’s ability to breathe completely. Wooyoung fell not shortly after, not able to continue holding on as the other squeezed just right around his cock. San gasped at the sight, choking on his breath for probably the hundredth time as Wooyoung flinched when the overstimulation kicked it. The older pulled out slowly and then they lay there, tangled in a sweaty, nasty smelling mess but happier than they have ever been. San held onto him, his Wooyoung and smiled while placing a kiss on his forehead. The younger placed a hand on the other’s cheek and couldn’t help but smile back when his friend leaned into the touch, wondering for a moment, while San’s eyes were closed and Wooyoung’s heart was so full he thought it would burst. What did I ever do to deserve you?

--- San considered himself a free spirit, a traveller in many ways than just going from place to place. Ever since he was just a child, growing up with a dream too big for the small town he was born in. Always willing to risk looking like a fool- for love- for his dreams- for the adventure of being alive. Always with one eye at the stars in the sky, aiming for them- letting them guide him as he got older. Always with a compass in one hand and a microphone in the other, until he met Wooyoung, and everything changed. San considered himself a passenger, an adventurer on the go, but never with a home. He found comfort in the place he was born in. The house he grew up from boy to a teenager with a dream, with his biological family. The dorm he grew up from a teenager to a man with that dream slowly getting realized, with the family he’d earned from the choice he’d made. But he was never content, always on the go, always ready to move on. Time passed and he found himself dropping the tight hold of that compass of his more often. Found himself less keen on picking it up again whenever he met his best friend’s eyes. Found himself not caring if it got lost, until that one day, on the 10th of July, when the compass disappeared completely- the very moment Wooyoung closed that last millimetre of distance between them and pressed his lips against San’s own. San considered himself an explorer, always ready to find the next party, the next place he could wreck with the energy that bounced off him like waves. Always ready to be the life of that next party. The mood maker. Always ready to bend himself backwards for the pleasure to rejoice among people. For everyone else to place a liking in him. Time passed again and he found himself suddenly not caring what anyone else thought, as long as those bleached blonde locks were the only thing that captivated his vision. Those dark eyes. That smile. That laugh. That body. That warmth that embraced him when he woke up crying in the middle of the night. That love that filled him up until he was gasping because everything Wooyoung did made him lose his breath in the best way possible. And then that day happened, on the 26th of November, when everything fell into place. When Wooyoung laced their fingers together as they looked up on the same stars that San used to look up upon when he dreamed of the future outside the house, he grew up in. When Wooyoung met his eyes and San saw stars in them too, mixed with the dark brown, behind even darker lashes. Half covered by the light, soft hair of his. When Wooyoung swallowed hard and squeezed San’s hand. When Wooyoung sighed deeply, smiled with that smile he only saved for his best friend. “I know that you know. But I just need to say it once” And San knew that he could stop traveling. He didn’t need a compass anymore. Didn’t need to use the stars as a guide to find the right path anymore. Didn’t need anyone else than the person in front of him. “I love you” Because his home was right there, holding his hand, promising with those burning words that he’d never let go.

I love you too

#woosan #choi san #ateez san #jung wooyoung #ateez wooyoung

[sonderei]

hey so I’ve been sporadically active on this site for a while so in case anyone was wondering who tf I am I did a lil quiz thing you’re welcome

name: ariel but you can call me skip

starsign: leoooo

hogwarts house: gryffindor but like if the sorting hat had flipped a coin between gryffindor and slytherin

height: 5′3″ ish

favorite animal: literally any type of cat. house cat. lion. cheetah. all of them. pangolins are also A+

dogs or cats: oh don’t get me wrong I LOVE dogs too but, uh, if the above answer didn’t make it obvious: cats.

when you made your blog: lord help me I’ve been stuck on this site since like 2009. or 2008? too long.

why you made your blog: I honestly don’t remember why at this point, but I keep it for fandoms I’m currently invested in.

reason for your url: I like sharks and I guess I consider myself a nerd? idk it was heavily inspired by Cara’s nerd shark illustrations (I think she’s still areyoutryingtodeduceme on here)

what i am wearing: green long-sleeve crop top and animal crossing pj pants

dream vacation: ireland, new zealand, or japan

instruments: I tried teaching myself guitar and piano when I was younger, but I didn’t stick with it. my fiance is the musician, not me.

celebrity crushes: tom holland, kirsten stewart, john mulaney? 

what’s your job: server at disney

if you could go back to school would you: if it were free and wouldn’t impact my already-questionable financial security, absolutely. I’d probably go for biology and another language.

a job you had that would surprise people: uhhhh I worked as a horseback riding instructor / equine therapist assistant for a few years?

do you think aliens are real: yeh

what’s your guilty pleasure: probs reading fanfic. or not getting out of bed for the entire day if I don’t have to? 

tattoos: short answer? they are good and I have some. long answer? I have 16. from top to bottom, there’s -a solar system (including pluto) down my spine starting at the base of my neck -the fleur de lis from the wallpaper in 221b from BBC’s Sherlock on my left shoulder blade (but it looks awful since it was my 1st tattoo and I’m no longer in that fandom so I do have plans for a coverup within the next few years) -EVE from Wall-E attached to balloons from UP on my right upper arm -a paper airplane above the inside of my right elbow -a ghost (named Boo) above the outside of my right elbow -Haku (in dragon form) and Chihiro from Spirited Away on the inside of my left forearm -San riding one of her wolf brothers from Princess Mononoke on the outside of my left forearm -the quote “though my soul may set in darkness it will rise in perfect light; I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night” wrapped around my left forearm -a double-headed cat on my left hip -a snake and two peonies on my right hip -profile of a lion’s head with flowers surrounding it on my left thigh -profile of a bear’s head with flowers surrounding it on my right thigh -Kida from Disney’s Atlantis on the outside of my left calf -a drawing that a family-friend made for my parents when I was born of two flowers with intertwining leaves supporting a butterfly on the back of my right calf -totoro and chibi totoro on the inside of my right ankle -one of the symbols from Howl’s Moving Castle on the outside of my right ankle

any phobias: rock climbing. which is weird because I have NO fear of heights. just...rock climbing?

do you talk to yourself: if you say that you don’t you’re a liar.

what movie do you adore: into the spiderverse, literally anything ghibli (but especially Spirited Away, Howl’s Moving Castle, and Princess Mononoke), most Disney/Pixar (especially Wall-E and UP)

the first thing that you remember you wanted to be when you grew up: marine biologist

#about me #I was bored #and haven't done one of these in AGES #fite me #if anyone wants to talk about tattoos #or really anything mentioned here #yo hit me up

[devilinsheepswool]

Obey Me! MC Character Sheet

Thanks to @kyungi-i for the spred sheet! I've seen others do it and thought why not me?

Name: Alisa Moreno

Nickname: Ally, Lisa, Li-Li, Al, Isa, Moreno

Age: 18

Height: 5'3

Weight: 170

Race: Human

Gender: ♀️

Birthday: April 13

Star Sign: Aries

Hair Color: Brown (pink streaks)

Eye Color: Brown

Skin: Brown/freckled

Demon brother, she is most to least like:

1. Levi

2. Belphie

3. Satan

4. Lucifer

5. Beel

6. Mammon

7. Asmo

Personality: she's pretty cynical and pessimistic, she also seems very aloof but somehow has a way of knowing a little bit of everything that's going on. When she wants to be she can be very observative and dedicated to her work, otherwise, she can come off as lazy, or disinterested just as much as aloof. Her snide personality comes off subtle mostly due to her wallflower and nerdish appearance. And she does have trouble getting to know other people due to her self-consciousness, low self-esteem and social anxiety; all of which she masks under witty remarks, jokes, and sarcasm. She puts up walls and its difficult to get to know her past surface level, despite it all Lisa does have a soft side and softens up around people that have a natural kindness and positivity about them or are straightforward. She has a good sixth sense, which helps her be an extremely good judge of character more often than not she is correct about her intuition regarding others' intentions towards her. Lastly, she has a bad habit of acting out and deliberately going against authority, she doesn't like feeling controlled and being told what to do. She'll usually follow the rules because she can't be bothered with the effort to break them but if she feels like someone's trying to control her or that she's being patronized then she will deliberately go out of her way to break the rules.

Background: Before coming down to Devildom, Lisa, despite only being 18 had already finished all her schooling, including higher education. Back on earth, she was recognized as a child prodigy in her research on historical documents and records, despite her early achievements at such an early age, the pressure of being placed on such a high pedestal career-wise eventually got to her and she fizzled out. Growing up an orphan without a past or family, the academy she worked for and her work was all she had, after she cracked due to the pressure she ran away hoping to live out the youth she felt she had never experienced in childhood. At age 16 she was a runaway and going under a different name. She lived on the streets and squatted in abandoned buildings for a few months before she met some people that offered to help her. During this time she developed an interest in music seeing as the people who helped her were a musical band full of teens just like her.

In order to stay with them, she lied to them about the truth of who she was and why she ran away. She stayed with one of the band members she had become close to during her initial days of having met them. While she stayed with them she learned how to play several instruments and eventually sing as well. She went on to perform with them but after two years of playing with them musical difference surged and a fight broke out, after which Alisa decided to run away again. It was during her second night of squatting in an abandoned house that she woke up in Devildom.

Hobbies: Music; Singing, Electric Guitar, Violin.

Likes: Sweets, Reading, Music, Animals, Writing, Video Games and drawing.

Dislikes: Liars, being lied to, math, meddling (Ironically), cruelty, injustice/unfairness and short tempers. Words that sound one way but are spelled another, or that sound like they mean one thing and then mean something else.

Appearance:

She's fairly average height. She's on the plump side, with a rounded face that makes her look baby-faced. She has freckles but due to her brown skin they're difficult to notice. Her eyes are rounded and large despite the dark circles brought on by years of bad sleeping. Her hair is short in a bob cut and wavy/curly, usually, she has a singular braid running down her left side. She wears glasses to see and prefers to wear loose-fitting clothing except for at performances. She tends to dress on the nerdy side.

Casual Clothing -

• Top: Sky Blue sweater rather loose fitting sweater over a white button up blouse.

• Bottom: plaid moss green skirt. Over the knee length, style is somewhat pencil skirt. Black tights under skirt.

• Shoes: Brown Boots.

• Accessories: star-shaped hair clip, silver necklace with a star pendant, a bunch of woven, or leather, or beaded bracelets. 

• Glasses: Yes. Black plain.

Uniform:

Alterations?

Not many, she wears the uniform properly a skirt version with the same black tights underneath the skirt. And a light blue tie on her uniforms blouse.

• Mother: N/A

• Father: N/A

• Siblings: N/A

• Pets: A black cat she adopted during the first time she ran away, she found her in one of the abandoned buildings fed her and the cat kept following her after that. Her name is Pandora.

• Friends: Prior to joining the band Alisa had none, after joining the band she made 2, Lydia and Florence. The lead singer and drummer of the band, respectively. She stayed with Florence and her grandmother during her time in the band.

• Past Relationships:

She had a mentor/advisor who eventually became a colleague when she finally started working with the academy. She was very close to her and was her only actual relationship. Her relationship with Dr. Aver was the closest she's ever had to a familial relationship. In the early stages of their relationship Aver became endeared with a rather small and young Alisa and tried to offer her the closest thing to a family she could through her and her husband. While they had a solid well-going relationship, they hit an obstacle when Aver was offered a position teaching at a highly prestigious institution abroad. Aver tried to keep connected long distance but it all came to an end when Alisa ran away.

Alisa dated three times during her time in the band the first relationship was bad from the start and ended badly, the second and third one ended with Alisa self-sabotaging herself due to the first bad experience. All occurred relatively back to back during the first year and half of her being in the band.

The first one though was the longest one, which lasted for 9 months. The last two were relatively short-lasting about a month to two each.

Sexuality: Unsure, possibly Pan.

Have they been in love before?

Because of her first toxic relationship and overall young age, at the time Alisa is hesitant to say that she ever was truly in love in any of her past relationships. But she was the most heartbroken with the ending of her 3rd relationship. Prior to her third relationship, the other two were mainly out of curiosity for exploring with dating than actual love.

How easily do they gain crushes?

Not easy, she wasn't aware of her feelings towards her third (future) partner until she was in her second relationship, her feelings for her 3rd future partner had started amidst her 1st relationship when it started going downhill.

Do they believe in love?

She doesn't really have an opinion on it, she's rather cynical and with her negative past experiences you would think she doesn't believe in it anymore if she ever had, but honestly, it's not something she's thought about that much. She's just experiencing life as she goes, maybe someday...

What's their type:

Alisa is the type of person to look for what she's missing in her life in someone else; she's typically drawn to kind, warm-hearted people, more likely than not optimists with positive personalities. You get the sense that she's into the "angelic" type (thus her third ex/first love) with a strong moral compass always set on doing right. Of course, this being her type doesn’t mean it’s what suits her the best. Mixed with her low self-esteem, a relationship with her ideal type may turn out to be hazardous as she might end up over-idealizing the person or self-sabotaging once again due to low self-worth as well.  

Which of the 7 brothers is her favorite?

That's a tough one she likes both Mammon and Levi but couldn't pick a favorite between both. Although Beel is also a strong contender for her favorite.

Why?

Mammon, despite not being honest about what he truly thinks about her is easy to read and has always been there for her when she's truly needed him, he's stepped in to save her multiple times and she knows he clearly worries about her. She's grateful to him despite his antics, and is able to look past the big cool guy/bad boy facade he puts on and appreciate him for being there when she really needs him.

Levi, she actually sees a lot of herself in him. Especially, a lot of her from prior to her first run away. She relates to his hermit-like personality because prior to running away she was like that as well. She can also sympathize and empathize with his obvious insecurities and wants to more than anything be there to reassure him and help become more secure of himself. Despite not being a total weeb like Levi, during her time in the band she did develop some interest in anime and manga, just not as passionate as Levi's.

What do they look for in a partner?

Ideally, she likes kind-hearted, empathetic people but speaking practically she'd prefer an honest straightforward person easy to read that doesn't try to play mind games or control her. Someone patient and that can reassure her when she doubts herself, and most importantly someone that will call her out when she needs to be. She doesn't want someone that will coddle, pamper, or try to spoil her like a little doll and let her get away with things that are prick-ish. She's good at keeping herself in check but she'd like the reassurance that someone will call her out if she slips up without noticing.

General -

Fav. Food: Tamales, but she also loves Cheeseburgers and Milkshakes.

Least Favorite: Meatloaf, Eggnog, Rasin Muffins, Salmon.

Favorite color: blue & green

Least Favorite: White or Neons

Sociable or Recluse? Both, she can be something of an ambivert but prefers to be more reserved due to her majority introvertness.

Favorite Movie Genre: Droll Comedy, or Action Political Thrillers/govt. conspiracy, K-drama's

Reader or not? Very much a reader, liked it and eventually it was what her job required of her in order to conduct her research.

Favorite Animals: She likes cats and dogs, but she also has an ample love for animals of all kinds but especially the ones that can be found in the woods; Owls, Raccoons, Wolves, Crows. Her favorite however has to be the Fox.

Favorite Music Genre: Rock, though she's big on ceremonials and sea shanties as well, and loves testing her vocal range with gregorian chants and Hymns.

Least Favorite: Country

Do they like sweets?

BIG YES.

Do they like spicy food?

👌👌👌👌

Do they like school?

Not so much like but she was good at it, and a majority of her life was dedicated and depended on it, overall she doesn't have bad memories about school perse, so I guess you could say that she does.

Pet Peeves:

Loud food chewing, bad breath, meddling in her business, being patronized, people pointing out her baby face, people trying to manipulate, use or lie to her.

#obey me! #obey me #did what I could on picrew

[rest-in-being]

Steps to Tazkiyah-(Purification) of the Soul-(Nafs) (Note: this is written in a comprehensive abridged description, there is much more in detail that needs to be said for full understanding and guidance)

Bismillahir-Rahmanir-Rahim. Alhamdulillahi rabbil-'alamin was-Salatu was-Salam 'ala Sayyidil-Mursalin wa 'ala 'Alihi wa Sahbihi Ajma'in.

*Step - 1 Those who are serious with Sufism first need take the 1st Step which is Tawab-(Repentance) and Last step Tawab-(Repentance), they need to recite "Astaghfirullah Ya Karim" - 1000 to 10'000 times a day - (I seek forgiveness from Allah oh Generous).

Take the first step to start the journey of Tawab-(Repentance) which is the journey home to Allah, to ones inner secret, found within the heart, and to increase ones, Rizq-(Provision) increase and know 'ilm-(knowledge) is Rizq-(Provision) too. And the heart is given Nur-(Light), this is the first step and last step to Allah, Dhikrullah-(Remembrance of Allah) is Nur-(Light), you need Nur-(Light), to see in the darkness, it opens the doors to the unseen world within you that is only by the veils of darkness of the Nafs-(Ego).

If you read "Astaghfirullah Ya Karim - 10'000 times a day for 40 days or longer in time your soul will slowly be full of Nur-(Light) and sins, like Ghiyba-(backbiting), Ghill-(Holding Grudges), Ghada-(Anger) or Swearing that are holding you back and tie you down are soon made easy to release from there attachments as they destroy blessing to the Ruh-(Soul). Kadhdhab-(lying) kills the Ruh-(Soul) and (blackens ones Face and Heart) and other sins cause pain to your heart. “Each time someone lies a black spot appears on his heart until his whole heart becomes black and he is written with Allah as a Kadhdhab a liar" Hadith.

The Nur-(Light) of "Astaghfirullah Ya Karim - 10'000 times a day will soon cause affects to your Ruh-(Soul). You will know when, you will feel pain in your heart from those and other sins done. Why? The Nur-(Light) of Dhikrullah-(Remembrance of Allah) starts wiping away Sins which cause darkness to the Heart, you will know as Nur-(Light) enters your heart by the grace of Allah, you will feel its affects are taken place. Because soon you feel the pain of those sins, tears flow down, you're forced to stop or lessen them or you become more aware of your conscious-(your feelings) and subconscious- (ego nafs) become aware of them and your soul makes or draws you to read Astaghfirullah even more.

Step - 2 Read in great Abundance Salawat-(prayers upon then Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم) and it will wash the darkness away and replace it with the Jamili-(Beauty) Nur-(Light) of Salawat-(prayers upon then Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم) will ornament and decoration your hearts like how a lamp illuminates a dark room with brighten, so recited everyday 1000 times. ( the lights of Jamil-Beauty are easier then Jalali-Majestic to handle)

Step - 3 Learning Fardh al 'ayn, and learning about Halal and Haram in food; basics of Fardh of Worship how to pray and fasting and what makes them invalid, pray extra Nafil like Salah Duha, the 6 Nafil after of Maghrib, Salah Tawab, Salah Tahajjud. Why is its Important to learning about Halal food, because eating Haram stops blessings in your ibadah-(Worship) for 40 days and Haram food force and increases Haraam thoughts and actions which will lead to Sins.

Step - 4 Important - Judge No one, find no faults with others, always be in a state of Husn-al Dhann-(Having a Good opinion or others) and learn Adaab-(Manners) and learn Akhlaq-(Behaviour or Character) as Adab is a part of Akhlaq. Busy yourself with Muhasbah-(Self Auditing or Accounting your own soul with mistakes and slips and sins NOT other people).

Be busy with serving others, this is Khidma-(Service others) through Charity works, or Naseeha-(Good Kind counselling) and never, ever judge them or their past actions instead think them better then yourself. We all fall and slip and make mistakes and Sin. Maybe your Khidma-(service others) is your Tawab-(Repentance), maybe their Dua'-(Pray) for you, is your Tawab-(Repentance) answered.

Never be pleased with your good actions and If you think you haven't fallen into major Sins or Sins then that is Kibr-(Arrogance) and far worse then sinners. As you will be full of 'Ujb-(Pride) which is the robe of Shaytan and he was full of knowledge too, instead be humble always and never be pleased with your good actions. But show Shukr-(Gratitude) that is be thankful, that Allah has allowed you to be in obedient to Him or brings you back to obedience when you sin, thus show Show Shukr-(Gratitude) and be humble.

By improving one's Akhlaq-(Behaviour or Character) one improve's their 'Ibadah-(Worship). The masters of 'ilm and hadith has said ‘We are more in need of acquiring 'Adab-(Manners) than learning Hadith’. So learn that lesson. All the books of Hadith have chapters on 'Adab and the book Al Adab Al Mufrad was separated by Imam Bukhari which is about learning 'Adab-(Manners.

Finally this last point, imprint this Hadith firmly on your mind and soul;

“I have not been sent as a Messenger, except to perfect character (Akhlaaq)” He also said that: “The nearest of you to me on the Day of Judgement will be the one who is best in character.” (Bukhari)

So without Adaab-(Manners) and Akhlaq-(Behaviour or Character) you’re Nothing! your 'Ibadah-(Worship won't benefit your much in the way to Tazkiyah-(Purification) of the Soul-(Nafs).

#tazkiyah #purification #ihsan #sufism #sufi

[all-good-things-dot-dot-dot]

All Good Things… Pants On Fire.

1st June 2020

Hello Chaps and Chapettes.

I don’t know quite how to approach this second entry in any other way than to tell you that I’m a big ol’ liar. 

Always have been it seems, from the days I told small fibs (that’s lies to my US pals) about not hitting my brother as a kid to when I said I definitely completed that report for work, while just starting it. It seems that one filthy untruth leads to another and I don’t quite know how to stop it or even if I should at all. 

Maybe I should explain why that’s the first thought on today’s thirty-minute topic. Yesterday I said that I wanted ‘All Good Things…’ to be exactly that, nothing but the good things in life. I want this because I feel there’s too much negativity easily spread in the world, made easier by humanity being able to type out their misgivings on a device they always have with them and send it where the world can view it and respond. I don’t want to be another mouthpiece for that, it feels that the only way to beat that is to spread and encourage goodness. 

The positive effects of that are profound, which you will already know if you’ve seen the archived works of Bob Ross, Fred Rogers, or Steve Irwin. There are humans out there, from times gone by and working hard today, who want or wanted nothing more than people to be safe, happy and free. They have not pushed that message but spread it gently, and it continues to spread as gently as a happy little cloud. 

The reason why I feel I lied in my blog yesterday, however, is because as much as I want to be, I do not believe I can always embody the message, ‘All Good Things..’ because that feels like a goal only the strongest, most caring people can reach. I feel I’d have to do something impossible, which would be to see some light in every dark thing that happens in the world and there are so many dark things where the light is unclear. 

Ordinarily, at this point, I’d turn to my favourite quote from a certain elder wizard, who said “Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” (Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, 1999, spoken by Dumbledore) The trouble is, where do you start? By finding the metaphorical light switch or magical lighter one supposes, or remembering how to pronounce ‘lumos!’ but where is that in the real world? That’s the question that always seems to trip people up. 

My answer is simple - focus on what makes you happy, which also does not harm or upset people, and build from that. I do dislike that in today’s world I feel I have to put in that disclaimer, to avoid the one person who says ‘well, I love butchering people and wearing their faces as masks,’ to which I have to explain that isn’t what I meant as I slowly back towards the nearest exit. This is what I call the ‘bad wish complex’ - where you ask for something only for the most rotten version of that thing to come true, like hoping for all the candy in the world and get it, only for all of your teeth to fall out two weeks later.

This is why focusing on good things only is hard. It does not help that, when you ask a conglomeration to offer good things on a social media platform, there’s nothing at all offered and maybe a like or two if you’re lucky. Yet, say the name of the US President once, and every Tom, Dick and Hillary will pop up to tell you their thoughts on the situation. The reality, it seems, is that the world needs good things, but wants worse things, because it runs out of things to talk about afterwards. That is how it seems from this viewpoint. 

Then, how do you proceed when facing an audience of empty chairs, while you can hear the auditorium across the road making loud noises about grief and suffering to a lamenting crowd? How do you deal with the knowledge that they might smile once or twice if they avoided that and focused on the images and stories of people doing good things for the world, for the animal kingdom, for each other? They answer, I feel, is that you just keep a focus on it. 

From the start, you cannot do it for others, you have to do it for yourself. As soon as you expect that people will like or be interested in anything you do, you’re destined to be upset. The human race as a whole has a very limited attention span and as soon as you… Hey, have you heard the new Lady Gaga album? What? Oh, sorry… got distracted. 

The point is, the best way to share goodness is to do what makes you feel good first and foremost. With the above ‘NO AXE-MURDERING’ caveat in place. As soon as you show that you are enjoying what you are doing, then people will start to gain a bit more interest in it. From that small gathering, you can then start to share ideas that inspire hope and encourage them to share those ideas too. They don’t have to be preachy - think about it. Mr Ross shared his message with happy little trees. Mr Rogers shared his with his neighbors, no matter what colour or ability. Mr Irwin shared his fascination of the creatures he met. 

The world has so many ways of offering a light to the darkness, and since my time is up for today, I’ll have to leave you with the words I hope will shine through the dark times ahead too. 

All good things, 

Love, Scaramouche. 

x

#Blog #bloggertribe #blogging #harry potter #dumbledore #hope #happiness #good things #all good things #be kin #be kind

[darkdevasofdestruction]

Chapter 5: Fear and Loathing in Hawkins

(( Before I begin, I want to say that I found nowhere Billy’s canon birthday, so I’m just using my best friend’s as a reference.

“You did it, babe! You did it! Congrats!” I jumped up and down, hugging Billy as he got 87% for his 5th test and his grades kept getting better and better. “At this rate you’re gonna get an A, not just a B!” I grinned widely, taking his test and putting it in my archives portfolio. “Say, are you tryina steal my scholarship, love~?” I teased with a poor excuse of a smirk. “I did it thanks to your help, Kitten. And thanks to you, we got an A+ at the project, so there’s only the exams to take and we’re settled for life.” he chuckled, leaning in to steal a kiss. “Do you…Do you wanna go back to Cali? It is one of the states we can study in with our scholarship, and the Uni is super close to the beach.” I jumped on the desk, dangling my feet back and forth, imagining how it’d be. “If that gives me an excuse to see you in a bathing suit, then sure thing.” he laughed, sitting down on the chair in front of me and putting his head on my thighs. “So soft…” he muttered, closing his eyes. “I’ve never been to the beach before. Could you teach me how to swim?” I asked, my eyes gleaming with stars imagining the cool water and the hot sand. “Anything for you, babe. It’ll be fun, I assure ya.” he smiled, most likely imagining as well. “Well, there’s only like half a year until we go there. It’s already April 1st and the exams are in June…Have you thought about what you wanted to study?” I asked, playing with his hair soothingly. “Mhh…I was thinking of Engineering…I’m no genius like you, babe, but I ain’t stupid. I think I could handle that.” he muttered, almost as if he didn’t want to think about the future. “That sounds lovely! Engineers are very well paid and nicely seen in society! We’ll be so cool together!” I clapped a bit in excitement, earning a chuckle. “You’re so adorable when you’re happy.” he smiled slight, looking up at me.

Things were looking promising for us and everything seemed like a real life Nirvana…But as usual, the good stuff doesn’t last too long and there’s always something that completely ruins everything and reminds you that life is cruel and maybe you shouldn’t trust anyone…Maybe not even yourself.

—

When I went to put some books in the locker, I notice something shiny, which proved to be Billy’s ‘K’ necklace that I gifted him at Christmas, only, the latch was broken. I wonder how did it get here…? I thought nobody else knew my locker combination. I put in the necklace in my pocket and closed it, making a mental note to change it soon before anything weird happens again and I walk to my next class. On the way there, I see Billy on the bench with two girls on either side of him, shamelessly flirting and he seemed to be enjoying it. Huh…

“Hey…Billy…” I go in front of him, ignoring the glares from the girls. “How are you?” “Pretty damn good, to be fair.” he smirked up at me. “Why you askin’?” “Uhm…I found this in my locker. Thought you might want it back…But the latch is broken.” I explained, showing him the necklace, and yet, he was barely paying any attention. “Oh, yeah, I took it off for Basketball practice today and then forgot where I put it. Can ya repair it for me?” he asked, leaning back on the seat. “Yeah…Sure. See you later.” I muttered, walking away to the class, holding the necklace tightly in my fist, a very dark feeling overflooding my heart.

Just…What the hell is going on…?

This kept repeating more and more with each day, sometimes outright ignoring me, or giving me empty answers, going to stay with his 'friends’ and so on…And I kept asking myself what did I do wrong. I kept trying to call him every night, but he either ignored it, or picked up the phone and then closing the call the next second. And trying to talk to him at highschool seemed to be close to impossible nowadays… But at least Nancy, Jonathan and Steve were okay with me staying with them, and they made me feel slightly better. After all, it was nice to have friends…I guess.

I kept myself busy with studying and I didn’t even realise that I didn’t speak to the kids in quite a long time. It’s just…Everything was making me get in such a Vertigo state that I forgot that I was alive.

It all just felt like a never-ending nightmare from which I found no escape… Until April 12th. Billy’s birthday.

It was a fine Friday and I was going to put his gift in his locker, then give him the necklace I managed to repair. I was looking down, walking down the corridor, holding the neatly wrapped package in one hand, while in the other I gripped the necklace really hard, until I saw a sight that made me wish I wouldn’t have woken up that day.

Billy and Tina were making out like there was no tomorrow, her pressed on his locker.

My face was shocked, but my heart felt stabbed and betrayed more than Caesar with Brutus. I let out a breath of amusement and disbelief, making him realise someone was there, and upon seeing me, he pushed Tina off him and tried walking towards me. I just shook my head in disgust, throwing the package in the nearest trash room and letting the necklace fall to the ground, not realising that I kept gripping it so hard that the sharp edges broke skin and let a few droplets of blood escape.

“Don’t even dare get closer to me. I don’t want to ever see you again. You’re nothing more than a liar, and fuck, your asshole of a father was right about you. Hell, maybe everyone was right about you. You’re just a fucking jerk and a whore with no morals or cares in this world. I regret the day I got to talk to you. I was so wrong to trust someone again…” I gritted my teeth before rushing out of the building, wanting to drive back home already. “Wait! Kitten, wait up! I can explain! It’s not as it looks like!” he tried to yell after me, but I turned around with such a poisonous glare, despite tears already escaping my eyes, that it made him rooted to the spot. “Explain WHAT, Hargrove?! That you cheated on me when you promised you’d never leave me? That you betrayed me, when you promised never to hurt me?! Really? What about 'Respect and Responsibility’? What about 'I’m a man of my words’? Are all of those lies too? Tsk…You’re just a spoiled brat, that’s it! Never speak to me again! And don’t call me Kitten! My name is Katrina Black, a name you will never get to speak again in your life!” I sneered at him, about to leave, but then I remembered the accessory around my neck, which made my roll my eyes in annoyance and go in front of him. “Oh, and one more thing…Give this to your next hook up, so they’ll feel good that you claimed them.” I growled, ripping off the necklace from my neck and hitting his chest with it. “Wait, don’t do that, you’ll get hurt!” he tried to say before seeing me rip the necklace, but it was too late. “Not more than what you did to me.” I said in a low voice before getting on my motorbike and stopping by the nearest market on my way home.“Happy Birthday, fuckass!”

As soon as I got home, I changed in only my AC/DC Tshirt and went to sit on the bathroom floor with the cassette next to me, putting music at max volume and staring at the many bottles of vodka and cigarette packs surrounding me. Well…Here goes nothing…

5 hours later, my head was spinning like crazy, the bathroom was smokier than London’s great smog and I kept screaming the lyrics to the songs that kept playing on repeat, not even realising that anymore, nor that tears kept wetting my face. I was a mess because honestly, I really couldn’t take this betrayal. I hate liars so much…

After I finished the 2nd Vodka bottle, I got up somehow and wanted to get a 3rd, but the phone ringing in my room made me groan in annoyance as I gripped the walls and fell on the bed, picking up the phone.

“Ye…? Who dere?” I slurred out, not even sure what I was saying was coherent or not. “Hey, Kat? Are you alright? I heard what happened today with that jerk and…Well, he went livid. He kept beating up anyone who dared to say anything about you…It was quite the sight.” Nancy’s sweet and worried voice called out, making me sigh. “Ye, ’m fine, j'st super drunk. Fuck tha’ asshole. He ain’t worth shit. F'kin cheat'r.” I managed to blurt out, making Nancy sigh as well. “Do you want me to come over and take care of you? Or I can call Jonathan or Steve if you feel more comfortable with them? I know you and Max were very close, but at this hour, I doubt she’d be able to come over…” she tried to suggest, but I only shook my head, forgetting that she can’t see it. “’S fine, Nance, thanks a lot fo’ worryin’ 'bout me. Appreciate it. I’ll be fine, ’m jus’ super pissed off. T’ll go 'way soon.” I declared, clearing my throat. “Okay, Kat…I hope you know what you’re doing. Please take care of yourself…Sweet dreams.” she told me before she hung up, making me groan as I put back the phone and went to get the vodka bottle and sit back in the bathroom. “Mhh…Wonder how long till I pass out…” I muttered, forcing myself to open the 3rd bottle.

—

It was now Monday, and please, nobody ever leave me next to alcohol and cigarettes 'cause I swear to God I’m gonna go crazy. I puked so much that I thought my guts were out and my lungs exploded from the smoke. And the fact that I’m still exhausted like hell was understandable.

Everything went as it usually did, classes and then lunch, where for some reason or another, Billy decided to sit down next to me, making me groan and leave without a word. Of course he followed me to the courtyard, where he just had to stop me and spin me around to look at him.

“First of all, what the hell do you want?! Secondly, who gave you the right to TOUCH me?” I yanked my wrist from his hand and glared at him. “Can we please talk?” he tried to say, but I only tsked in annoyance and looked away. “Why would we? We have nothing to talk about. You fucked up, it’s all on you. I’m leaving.” I shrugged, ready to leave, but he stopped me again. “I…I’m sorry. I fucked up, you’re right. I hurt you, I broke my promises and I did exactly what I promised I wouldn’t do. You didn’t deserve any of that.” he confessed, looking at me. “Funny you should say that…Considering that you’re almost quoting what I said a few days ago…When you were too busy fucking Tina.” I scoffed, giving him a sarcastic smile. “Yes, I know, I fucked up, and I can’t ever ask you to forgive me. I deserved the phone call from two days ago where you cursed me into oblivion-” he started, making my eyes go wide in shock. “I did WHAT?!” I asked in horror, making him look confused at me. “You…Don’t remember that? It lasted for about an hour. You were crying, cursing and insulting me. It really broke my heart…” he muttered, looking away, but my face of horror was still there. “Fuck, I must have been really drunk to remember talking to Nancy, but not calling you to randomly curse you…Great.” I slapped my face in annoyance. “You hate alcohol.” he stated, but I only shrugged. “I hate cigarettes too, but that didn’t stop me from going full auto-destruct mode for 3 days before getting back to normal when I didn’t care about anyone. Bye, Hargrove, I have nothing more to say to you.” I turned to leave, but for the millionth time, I got stopped. “On the phone…You said…You said that you loved me. Did you, really…?” he barely breathed, making me stop dead in my tracks. “What, you thought I’d stay with you out of pity or something? 'Cause I felt lonely by myself? OF COURSE I DID, DUMBASS! Use that stupid brain of yours once in a while and maybe you’ll answer your own questions!” I threw my hands in the air in exasperation. “You…You also said you wanted to beat the hell out of me…So, you deserve to let your anger out on me. Do what will make you feel better.” he said in resignation, looking at the ground with a pitiful look. “I deserve everything and I will take anything. I hurt you…And I really suck.” he said in such a godamn pitiful voice that in made anger boil in me like never before. “What the FUCK do you want?! Do you want my pity? Do you want me to forgive you? THAT’S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN! You just want to fuck, that’s all you want! I was always just another girl on your stupid list, just another name and another challenge! I HATE YOU!” I turned to slap him, but…But just as my hand was about to collide with his face, I stopped and I started shaking and crying. “Fuck’s sake…I can’t do it…” I muttered with a sigh as I gritted my teeth in annoyance. “You can’t hurt me even now, after how much I hurt you…You still love me, and all I did was throw away your love like a spoiled brat…The truth is, I…I realised my feelings for you…I realised how much I care about you, and it was all so foreign and intense that…I got scared. And I tried to make those feelings go away by doing the same things that have been shielding me for all these years.” he explained, holding my hand as he made me touch his face, leaning into my touch. “Shut up…J-Just…Shut up! I don’t want to hear any more excuses! We’re done for, anyway! Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t possible trust you again. You…You just…You can’t even imagine the damage that you’ve done to me.” I shook my head, feeling my heart in pain like never before, making me take back my hand and jog away, having spotted Nancy and Jonathan going in the highschool to their next class. I needed a distraction, and studying/doodling always helped. “Hey, Kat, how are you holding up?” Nancy asked worriedly, hugging me. “I’m fine, all cool. Ready for Physics, I guess.” I shrugged, trying to play it cool. “Oh, I remembered. Next weekend there’s gonna be some charity party or something at our highschool and all students are asked to sign up and participate with anything interesting they’ve got. Mostly singing, as far as I know, but it works. Wanna go? I have to go there to take pictures for the event, so I can get you girls really good seats.” Jonathan suggested, making me and Nance look at each other and smiling simultaneously, and clearly agreeing. “Sure, that should be fun, right? I’m looking forward to it.” I smiled at them, feeling quite better, as if I finally belonged somewhere. “Hey, guys, hold up!” a familiar voice called out, making us 3 turn around and spot Steve. “Hey, so, uh…This weekend our basketball team has the 2nd last match and I wanted to ask if you’d come cheer on us. It will help a lot if I were to see some familiar faces…” he chuckled awkwardly. “I don’t know, Steve…With that git, Hargrove there, Kat might feel bad…” Nancy mumbled, looking at me, but I only grinned at them. “Nahh, who cares about him? My friend needs support? Then, Harrington, I will be there to support you. Just…Don’t steal my book again, please.” I winked at him, making the both of us laugh. “Thanks a lot, Kat, I really appreciate it. Jonathan, Nancy? Are you coming?” he asked as he put his arm around my shoulder. “Yeah, sure, man, why not.” Jonathan shrugged and we all agreed and made plans for these two following weekends.

Should be fun, huh?

—–

“Okay, Steve, so like, how do you want me to cheer? 'KING STEVE!’ or 'GO! GO! HARRINGTON!' ? ” I laughed as I rubbed his shoulders, the anxiety radiating off him. “That’s bloody awful, Kat, what the hell.” he grinned in disbelief, making me laugh at his reaction. “Okay, okay, I’ll just read my book until I see everyone screaming and I will do the same, how does that sound?” I tried to hype him up for the match the best I could. “Just…Just act natural and do what you want, okay?” he rolled his eyes and shook his arms a bit. “I have faith in you, Steve. GO FUCK THEM UP!” we high fived and I jogged on the bleachers, almost missing Billy’s lingering eyes on me and my friendly actions with Steve…Almost, being the key point. “Think they’ll win?” Jonathan asked, making me shrug. “I honestly have no idea what this game is about, but for everyone’s good, I hope they do.” I declared, paying attention to the game as soon as the first whistle blew.

It was a bit difficult properly paying attention and following the game since I honestly had no idea what was going on, but what I noticed was that Billy wasn’t really the same, while Steve was energetic like never before and managed to easily score like 4 times.

The points were tied and our team scored very rarely, which made me mess around a bit with the game, making sure Steve scored every time he threw the ball in the basket, or that the enemy team would randomly trip.

Hey, we won, what a surprise! Time to celebrate!

“KING STEVE! KING STEVE SCORED A GAZILLION TIMES! GO, KING STEVE!” I laughed as I jump-hugged him as a congratulations, but he only shook his head, grinning. “Thanks, Kat. Thanks a lot for the help.” he smirked, looking at me with a mischievous look in his eyes. “What ever could you mean by that, Harrington?” I chuckled, looking away. “I’ve been around you, El and a bunch of monsters enough to know when the ball moves anti-Physics law.” he laughed, ruffling my hair. “Jerk, not my hair! And come on, you played really well! What I did was just a bonus!” I tried to fix my hair a bit. “Hey, seeing the enemy team fall like idiots made my confidence boost like never before. I’d have laughed like an idiot if we weren’t mid-game. Come on, I’ll treat you to ice cream.” he proposed. “Oh, I won’t refuse free ice-cream! Go take a shower and I’ll take Jonathan and Nancy to the car, okay?” I asked, earning a nod. “Nancy! Steve is getting us free ice-cream! Let’s go!” I waved the two over, completely ignoring Billy coming over and looking crestfallen. “Did you just call him King Steve?” Billy’s soft voice asked from behind, making me turn at him with a bored look. “Yeah, I did, 'cause he won the game.” I shrugged, waiting for Nancy and Jonathan to come over. “Do you like him?” he asked again, his voice barely audible, somehow heartbroken. “No, we’re just friends…Not that it should concern you in any way. You see…He’s not a fuckass like you…Well, not anymore, that is. Bye now, free ice cream is waiting me and my friends.” I smiled fakely at him before hooking my arm to Nancy’s and going towards Steve’s car, where I got so much ice cream that I thought my brain would freeze, making the other 3 laugh at me.

We had such a nice time together, celebrating Hawkins’ victory and not having any worry in our heads… Except, maybe, the fact that Billy’s broken voice kept echoing in my head, making my heart cry…Stupidly weak heart…

It’s been already about 3 weeks without letting Billy talk to me more than necessary and I hate to admit to myself that it just keeps hurting more and more seeing him going down the way of self-destruction like never before. But tonight I was supposed to have fun with my 3 friends, right? Watch random students pretend they have talent and everyone to make fun of them 'cause they can’t sing, dance, or do anything really.

One guy completely butchered one of Michael Jackson’s dances, a girl hit all the wrong keys while playing a Beethoven piece another guy sounded strangled while attempting to sing “Stayin’ Alive” by Bee Gees… Okay, I mean, some of them were actually pretty good, I won’t deny, but I and Steve loved to make fun of the fails…It was just TOO hilarious!

It was all nice and giggles, until a very familiar instrumental started playing in the background, making me gasp in shock. “No…Way…” I barely managed to breathe out before snapping my head in the direction of the stage…

And there he was.

Billy Hargrove stood on the stage, holding the microphone with both hands, looking down, before up to scan the audience, before somehow managing to spot me, and we connected, neither of us daring to break the eye contact.

And he began to sing, in a soft voice like never before, earning hundreds of cheers and screams of excitement and adoration.

But I knew better than anyone else what this meant.

He wasn’t here for charity, or to impress anyone with his singing skills…

He was here to apologise.

He was here to try to reach my heart just like he used to before, and try to win me over again.

Time, it needs time to win back your love again I will be there, I will be there

His voice was sweet and warm yet sorrowful, like that of an angel, and I could feel dry sobs threatening to escape. “Kat, are you okay? What happened?” Steve asked, concerned at my sudden change of behaviour, but I wasn’t sure I could trust my voice much. “He…He’s…Apologising…And saying that he loves me…” I managed to choke out before covering my mouth, trying to control myself.

Love, only love can bring back your love someday I will be there, I will be there

He didn’t break eye contact even for a split of second, and I didn’t even realise tears were already going down my face until Nancy pulled me into her arms and offered me her napkin.

Fight, babe, I’ll fight to win back your love again I will be there, I will be there

“Go closer, it’s going to be okay. It will be okay, Kat.” Nancy reassured me, patting my head, but I was a bit scared that my legs would fail me from the intense emotions bursting in my heart.

Love, only love can bring down the wall someday I will be there, I will be there

Clutching my heart, I took a sharp breath and stood, holding the banister with dear life, afraid that I might collapse, as he started smiling, seeing me approach.

If we go again all the way from the start I would try to change the things that killed our love Your pride has built a wall, so strong that I can’t get through Is there really no chance to start once again?

I’m loving you

I quickly managed to climb down the stairs and started walking towards the stage, and as soon as those last words were so lovingly dragged out, I started crying, hugging myself as my heart was completely weak for him and him alone, and he extended his arm out toward me slightly, proving once again that he was trying to reach out me and my heart.

Try, baby, try to trust in my love again I will be there, I will be there

I started smiling and looking at him with such adoration on my face that it seemed to give him some sort of confidence as well to keep on going.

Love, our love just shouldn’t be thrown away I will be there, I will be there

I couldn’t contain myself and I started mouthing the lyrics to the song along with him, which made him put his hand to where his heart would be, in a way to match my action.

If we’d go again, all the way from the start I would try to change the things that killed our love Your pride has built a wall, so strong that I can’t get through Is there really no chance to start once again?

I nodded at him with a soft grin on my face, telling him that yes, I forgive him, and that I could feel he was being genuine with each word he’d sing and each emotion he’d express so openly.

If we’d go again, all the way from the start I would try to change the things that killed our love Yes, I’ve hurt your pride, and I know what you’ve been through You should give me a chance, this can’t be the end

By this time, I wasn’t sure if I just wanted him to stop singing so I’d be able to hold him close to me, or if I wanted him to keep singing because oh god, it did so many things to my heart that I couldn’t believe it was me who felt all these things.

I’m still loving you I’m still loving you I’m still loving you I need your love I’m still loving you

Still loving you, baby

He kept singing, so much force and emotion in his voice, that I started wiping the tears from my eyes as I kept repeating the same lyrics with him, confessing our undying love for each other over and over again.

Still loving you I need your love Still loving you I need your love, oh Still loving you I need your love, oh I need your love I need your love…

The song ended soon, making everyone stand up and cheer wildly, but he only had one thing in mind- He did a fast bow before walking down the stage and throwing his arms around me and holding me close to his chest, as tight as he could without leaving me breathless.

“I love you so much, Kat. I’m so sorry for letting trauma get the best of me. I was weak, I was a shithead and I hurt you. I was scared. I didn’t even realise that I turned back to my back habits until I saw you again…When I got the courage to actually look AT you, not THROUGH you. I don’t know what I was so scared about…What I still am so scared about…Maybe I am afraid that I will turn into my father and I will drive you away, like it made my mum leave me…I’ve been so afraid of fucking up…That I did without realising…I’m sorry, Kat, I really am. And I love you with all my heart.” he confessed, letting only one stray tear fall down his cheek, his eyes red from trying not to let his emotions get the best of him in front of the whole highschool. “I love you, Billy. I forgive you…And…Call me Kitten. I’m not leaving you.” I smiled softly, wiping away that tear before kissing him gently, before pulling away, earning a happy, almost choked out laugh from him. “I really don’t deserve someone like you…” he shook his head, but I paid that no mind, and instead, I trailed my fingers down his face, down his neck and to his chest, touching the 'K’ necklace that shined so beautifully. “I thought you’d throw it away.” I managed to say barely above a whisper. “No…Truth it, I started hyperventilating that day in the locker room, alone, thinking about everything going on, and I was suffocating. I tried to take it off carefully…But that didn’t work very well. I’m sorry I lied…I was embarrassed to tell you the truth.” he admitted, biting his lip. “It’s okay…I forgive you. I wasn’t expecting you to do what you did today…I…I never realised I could feel so many things at once…I thought I was gonna faint or something…It’s…It’s so weird…But I wouldn’t have it any other way. I appreciate the effort and sentiment you put in everything…Even if it took you quite a long while.” I let out an amused breath, making him take out something from his pocket…The 'B’ necklace. “Do you…Do you want it back…? I fixed the latch.” he asked softly, putting it on as soon as I put my hair on the side. “It’s funny, don’t you think? We keep breaking things, but we repair them for each other. We’re a bunch of idiots.” I laughed, making him put his forehead to mind. “Maybe from now on we’ll only fix each other and nothing bad will happen. I know I promised before, but this time, I am a new man and I am not afraid to brave any storm, if I have you by my side. Will you have me back…Kitten?” he smiled at me, making me roll my eyes. “I just said I will, silly! It will be as if none of these bad things happened. And we will be happy. We…We ARE happy.” I grinned, but he shook his head. “No…I hurt you, you shouldn’t forget that. It was my fault. Instead, I will make sure none of that ever happens again and I will focus solely on your happiness…Because Kat, if you are happy, I am happy, and that’s all I need from life. I love you.” he confessed once again, making me bury my face into his chest and hug him tightly. “Billy…Y-You’re doing that thing wh-where you’re stirring t-too many emotions i-in my heart a-and I can’t take it. C-Can you, like, s-slow down? I-I-I’m feeling faint.” I stutter out, hiding my face in his shirt, making him chuckle in amusement and kiss my head. “Oh, baby, you have no idea what YOU do to me every time you’re being so cute and adorable…And only I can make you so flustered. It’s doing lots of things to me and you’ve no idea.” he smirked lightly, but before he could say another thing, he started groaning in annoyance. “Who the fuck thought singing this stupid song was a good idea? Fuck The Police and this song.” he grumbled, making me laugh at his reaction. “Hey, Billy…I’m SO not kissing you on this song!” I grinned in amusement, barely managing to stifle my giggles, both of us having the throwback from the Snow Ball where everyone kept kissing on The Police’s “Every Breath You Take.” “Got me there, babe. And as if the song wasn’t stupid enough, his voice makes it even worse…” he pouted, resting his chin on the top of my head. “I had no idea that was possible…Until now.” I declared, holding him close to me and swinging back and forth to the soft and somehow broken rhythm of the music.

—-

“Billy! Hey, Billy! I’ve got news!” I ran to him, panting, out of breath since I had 0 physical endurance. “Huh? What happened?” he straightened out on the bench, not paying any attention to his stupid buddies anymore. “The exam results JUST appeared! And…Well, hope you don’t mind, but I peeked a tiiiiiny bit at yours before I even looked at mine and…Haha, don’t be mad!” I grinned sheepishly, making him roll his eyes and let out an amused breath. “Okay, Lady Scholarship, I’m sure you got all the good grades and snatched away the Studies Scholarship, right? How much did you get at Biology? 100%? ” he asked with a knowing smirk, making me blush at the confidence he had in me and look down, nodding, the grin on my face never faltering for a second. “That’s my Kitten! See, I told ya! You really need to trust yourself more, you’re a smart babe!” he got up to hug me tightly and kiss me on the lips with much passion. “Okay, okay, enough of this! Now, sit down and let me tell you about your results, okay?” I made him sit down again, trying to look as passive as possible. “Fine, babe, shoot.” he kept bouncing his leg up and down, trying to relax himself, but to no avail. “So, uhm…You got all the good grades…But uhm…At Biology, you didn’t get a B…” I trailed off, making his face fall into complete horror, before realising the smirk on my face that I couldn’t stop. “You got an A, babe. You got 97%! The Scholarship is yours!” This made him and everyone around his jump on their feet and roar in happiness, clapping and cheering for 'King Billy’, he bent down to my level and kissed me with so much passion that I thought my face would be worse than a tomato and that my heart would leap out of my heart from embarrassment, shock and all other emotions at a time. “WE’RE GOING TO CALI, BABY! WHOOOOO!!” he screamed as loud as he could to the sky, feeling like nothing else could go better for him in life. “Yessss! It’s gonna be so cool!! We did it, Billy! We really did it!!” I cheered with him, making him pick me up and wrapping my legs around his waist. “We’re gonna move in together, and it’s gonna be just us and nobody else to pressure or fuck with us. I’m so not letting you go, babe. The things you do to me, Kitten, you’ll never understand.” he smirked as he whispered that against my lips before shamelessly making out with me in front of everyone which made me blush like I was gonna die in the next second, but, well…They’re not gonna see us ever again so…So I just put my arms around his neck, pulling him closer to me and smiling into the kissing. “You’re gonna be the death of me some day, honey.” I said in between kisses, softly and playfully biting his bottom lip, making him smirk widely. “Oh, Kitten, you naughty girl, you’re doing things to me and you are fully aware of that. You’re so lucky I love you.” he confessed before capturing my lips again, with just as much fire as before. “Oh, yeah, I really am lucky~.” I giggled softly, trying to tune out any new person passing by.

—-

“So, uhm…First of all, I wanted to thank all my teachers for being incredible moral, emotional and intellectual supports for me all these years of highschool…I want to thank my friends, Nancy, Jonathan and Steve, for being there for me when I needed them the most…I want to thank a bunch of 13 year olds for accepting me as their Party Nerd Leader…I want to thank my boyfriend, Billy Hargrove, who loves me so much and whom I love endlessly…” I trailed off a bit, looking at Billy, who already did his diploma acceptance speech, as a Scholarship winner, and I smirked widely. “And also, I want to thank all of you for being a bunch of dumbasses and for letting me steal your Scholarship and Loverboy so easily from right in front of you! You suck, guys! Toodles! See you in Cali!” I laughed, taking the diploma from the hands of Mrs. Green and I ran off the stage, jump-hugging Billy and kissing him deeply. “Now, babe, THAT is what I call a real badass speech. I’m so proud of you for showing them who’s the real Queen here.”  he smiled proudly at me, kissing my forehead. “WE’RE GOING TO CALI, BABY!” I couldn’t stop radiating with glee, just like a sunshine, and before ending the Graduation ceremony, we all threw our caps into the air and cheered that highschool is finally over.

And the best thing?

Well…

HARRINGTON IS TREATING US TO ICE-CREAM AGAIN!

Success~!

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8

#stranger things #stranger things imagine #billy hargrove x oc #billy hargove x reader #billy hargove imagine #billy hargrove #nancy wheeler #jonathan byers #steve harrington #robin buckley #mike wheeler #dustin henderson #lucas sinclair #will byers #max mayfield #jim hopper #joyce byers #bob newby #katrina black #the blood moon #eleven #jane hopper #el stranger things

[hot-tae-with-suga]

This Looks Bad || 2

Summary:  Taehyung and I were just horsing around, but someone took a picture, and now everyone thinks I’m cheating on my boyfriend Namjoon with one of his best friends. Which I’m not, because I don’t (let myself) think of Tae that way. And neither does Namjoon. Right?

Reader (1st person unnamed femme OC)/Namjoon/Taehyung

Idol AU

36.2K total || Rated M || Part 1 | Part 3 (final) | AO3 || Masterlist

Genre: fluff / smut / angst with happy ending || Warnings: Misunderstandings, Failure to Communicate, Bisexual characters, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Threesome, Smut

Originally Posted 2019-03-27 

Thank you so so so much to my editor S, and my wonderful betas from the JAG discord (L, V, and D)

27 Days P.I. (2 days post sleepover)

The morning after the impromptu sleepover had been rushed, both boys needing to get back to the dorms before taking off for their scheduled events that day, so I’d stayed quiet about what I’d heard them talking about. I’d given Namjoon a kiss goodbye, and waved to Tae who was hesitant to give me a hug even after having spent the night cuddled up with me like a koala.

I’d wondered if it was the last time I’d see them.

I waited all day for a text or a call from Namjoon telling me that we were over, wondering the whole time where we had gone wrong. I’d thought we were back to a good place, but he really seemed to think there was something between Tae and I, or at least the potential for something between us, and he was talking about me not being his girl anymore.

Every time I took a break from my work, which was more often that I really should have, I read back over our conversations from the last few weeks, trying to pinpoint when he’d lost interest in me. The earlier conversations were more painful, remembering how distant we’d been. The simple exchanges of “hey, you busy?” followed by “yeah, let me call you later” when I knew that no call had come made me wonder if I’d pinpointed the start of our prolonged break up. But things had become better in more recent exchanges, we were both obviously more engaged and actually talking about our days in multiple word sentences. For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out where we were going wrong, unless Namjoon had been making one last ditch effort to save the relationship, but had ultimately decided it wasn’t worth saving.

I was more than a little surprised when Namjoon called me the next morning, saying that since my visit the week before had gone unnoticed, management was cool with my coming over again. This time instead of stopping at the dorm, I went straight to his studio, where he told me he’d been working until mid-afternoon. I wore my hat, mask, and dark glasses, but I didn’t bother with any evasive maneuvers on my trip this time. I told myself it was because I was confident I wouldn’t be noticed going into the large office building, but deep down I thought it would be the last time, so it wouldn’t really matter if I got spotted. The whole world already seemed to think that Namjoon had dumped me, I was just waiting for him to actually do it.

I knocked on the door to the studio, but punched in the code and walked in a moment later, assuming Namjoon would have his headphones on and wouldn’t hear me. Instead I was surprised to find Hoseok and Taehyung on the beige couch, Namjoon sitting in his chair to talk with them. Sweatpants and oversized t shirts were the uniform of the day, and both Hobi and Tae had headbands on; all of them looked a bit tired so I assumed they’d just finished up with dance practice.

The door had been an effective sound barrier, the music they were listening to suddenly washed over me. I recognized the beat as one Namjoon had played for us the week previous, but now there was a melody soaring over it, making it sound more complete.

All three guys looked up as I walked in, and Hoseok jumped up to give me a quick hug. “Hey, Hobi,” I greeted him with as much cheerfulness as I could manage. “Sorry if I’m interrupting, I thought Namjoon would be on his own.” Obviously Hobi didn’t know what was about to happen, he’d always been a terrible liar and I’d have seen it on his face.

“No no, we’ve been expecting you,” Hoseok brushed off my apology. He stepped back to let Joon give me a hug as well.

“Hey, babe,” he murmured. He sat in Hobi’s now-empty spot on the couch and pulled me down to sit in his lap. Hoseok shrugged and dropped into Namjoon’s chair, spinning slowly as he relaxed.

The song playing came to an end and looped back to the beginning again, but Hobi reached around and hit the keyboard, pausing it. “It sounds good,” I commented. I got a nod of thanks, but their discussion picked back up, talking about the theme of the comeback and how all the new songs were shaping up. I tried to relax in Namjoon’s hold, but I was still on edge, knowing that as soon as they were done talking and we were alone, I’d become a single woman. Maybe. I was pretty sure, anyway.

Taehyung seemed to notice how I was pulling at the sleeves of my shirt, the hems nearly destroyed by my fidgeting. He reached over and grabbed my hand, stilling it. I looked up and met his eyes, his expressive eyebrows pulled together in a silent question, asking if I was okay. I drew my lips tight, a sad approximation of a smile, and his frown deepened.

“Anyway, I’m meeting Jin-hyung to practice some more,” Hoseok wa saying, standing up. “I’ll see you guys later.” With that, he was gone. I stared at the closed door, not yet wanting to be alone with these two men in particular.

None of us moved, and I stared off into space until Tae squeezed the hand he still held. “Noona, are you okay?” he asked sweetly, and I felt my chest contract.

“Babe?” Namjoon asked when I didn’t answer Taehyung right away, twisting us both so that he could see my face. Tears welled up, but I sniffled and managed to blink them away before they fell.

“I-” I started, choking on the words. “I just- My anxiety is really bad today.” Not a lie, then, but not the whole truth.

“Has the date been set for your defense?” Joon questioned. “When is it, I can see if my schedule is free. I’d like to be there for you.”

Hearing the empty promise of a future event he had no actual plans to attend pulled a sob from me, shaking my whole body enough that Namjoon could feel it, holding me as close as he was.

“Oh babe, don’t cry! It’ll be okay, you’ll do great. You’re the smartest person I know, you know that? And you know your shit backwards and forwards,” he tried to comfort me, but I just shook my head at his words.

Taehyung, who was still holding my hand, reached to grab the other as well. “I am sure you will blow them away,” he said earnestly. I pulled my hands from his, wiping the backs of them across my cheeks where I felt a couple of tears falling.

“I think we need to get her mind off of it,” Namjoon suggested to Taehyung. “You up for, uh, helping out?” I watched Tae nod, an odd flush creeping over his soft cheeks.

I sniffled again, shaking my head. “No, I’ll be okay,” I lied. Neither of them seemed to heed me, both standing up and gathering their coats before pulling me with them. We took a car back to the dorm, finding the place empty of other members.

“Come on, lets just go watch something in our room,” Namjoon suggested, pulling me and Tae along with him. I’d resigned myself to this fate, of drifting along after him until he finally cut me loose.

They turned on a variety show on one of their laptops, setting it at the foot of Namjoon’s bed while the three of us settled near the head. I looked at the screen but wasn’t paying much attention, and Namjoon kept sending me glances when I didn’t laugh at the big jokes. At the second break for commercials, he crawled over and shut the computer, moving it to his bedside table.

He sat back down facing me, and asked Taehyung, “You up for plan B? This obviously isn’t cheering her up enough.”

Tae nodded, and before I could ask what ‘Plan B’ was, Joon was leaning into me, his mouth hot on mine and his body pressing me backwards. I was too shocked to do anything, even when my back hit Taehyung. I reached one arm behind me to brace myself, not wanting to fall into the other man.

I wasn’t even kissing Namjoon back yet when he pulled his mouth away, but stayed close, smiling at me fondly, and I felt my heart swell. Then he leaned over me awkwardly, over my shoulder, and kissed Taehyung.

I tried not to stare, but they were literally kissing right in front of my face. It was odd, seeing the mouth I was so accustomed to kissing, that tongue that appeared in my dreams, pressed against someone else. Someone with a sharp jawline, with a larger nose, with faint stubble above his lip, with lips that parted easily and quickly as I watched. The two mens’ mouths slid over each other fluidly, so much smoother and less awkward than the kiss Namjoon and I had just shared.

My heart sank again, my chest tightening. As hot as it was, as beautiful as they may have been together, I was so confused and still feeling heartbroken.

“So, what…?” I asked, almost sorry to see them break apart as soon as they heard me. “You guys were going to, what, let me watch you make out to distract me?” I was pulling at straws, but I couldn’t think of one logical reason they’d be doing this.

Namjoon smiled at me again. “Not exactly what we had planned, but if that’s what will get your mind off of things, we can do that for you,” he offered. “However, I had been thinking that it’s your turn to kiss our Taehyungie.”

I started to wonder if I was suffering from some kind of brain damage, considering how often my brain ceased to function when my boyfriend spoke in the last month or so. I looked back over my shoulder, trying to see if Taehyung was hearing this insanity as well, but he was smiling at me, that boxy grin splitting his face. He somehow looked excited.

“You want me? To kiss Taehyung?” I repeated, both asking for clarification and explanation. My head felt like it was on a swivel, looking from one face to the other and back again.

Namjoon nodded. “I mean, what’s hotter than two hot people kissing, right?” he argued. “And I think that between the two of us, we can keep your mind off of whatever is making you anxious.”

I was still in shock, still processing and trying to figure out what was going on when Namjoon leaned toward me again, cupping my cheek in one large hand, and kissed me again. His lips were soft this time, no tongue seeking entry into my mouth, just a simple press of his lips against mine. As he pulled away, the hand on my cheek turned my face, and when I opened my eyes again, Taehyung was there.

“You want this, Tae-ah?” I asked quietly, never breaking our gaze. He nodded slowly, licking his lips.

Neither of us breathed for a moment, our eyes locked on each other, until from my peripheral I saw hands reach out and suddenly our faces were being pushed closer together.

Our initial clash was painful due to outside forces, lips getting caught between two sets of teeth and noses smooshing into each other. I pulled back on instinct, fighting against Namjoon’s hand on the back of my head. Turning, I glared at him. “This isn’t some punishment on a variety show, Joon,” I scolded. I turned back to Taehyung and saw his face fall, as though he thought I didn’t want to me kissing him. I could admit to myself that I did want to, since Namjoon had requested it, after all.

Rather than chew Namjoon out for his clumsy and heavy handed attempts at moving us along, I raised my hand to the back of Tae’s neck and pulled him toward me again, this time much more gently. I could feel him pause for a moment, in shock, maybe, before he opened his mouth to mine.

At first Taehyung was hesitant, only daring to slide his tongue into my mouth once I had swept mine through his. As the kiss continued, and it did continue for what felt like ages, he grew bolder, shifting us so that he was above me and pressed me down and back against Namjoon in a echo of what Joon had done earlier. I let myself get lost in the sensations, it had been a long time since I’d kissed anyone other than Namjoon, and it was one hell of a first kiss. His lips were thinner than Joon’s, tongue less dexterous perhaps, but he liked to bite and nibble at my lips, which sent shivers of arousal down to my core.

I felt Namjoon behind me, sliding his arms around my waist and resting his hands there while he kissed the back of my neck, then he began to slide his hands lower to fumble with the buttons at the fly of my jeans. I reached down to still his hand, trying to tell him without words that he was moving too fast. He stopped fiddling with the buttons, instead gathering the hem of my shirt and guiding it up my torso. Not quite as slow as I had been aiming for, but it was better than my pants coming off.

After he pulled my shirt off my arms, Namjoon backed away, and Taehyung slipped his arms around my now bare waist, twisting us both until I was lying beneath him on the bed. He laid hot kisses all over, from my mouth, to my collarbones, to that sensitive spot behind my ear. The whole time he couldn’t stop talking between kisses, telling me how beautiful I was and how long he had wanted to touch and kiss me.

I let myself start to enjoy the feelings he was eliciting in me, kissing him back and running my hands into his hair. My mouth left a darkening bruise against the honey coloured skin of his neck, and he moaned, his voice low, and I practically felt the vibrations in my chest. He pulled away from me only long enough to tear his own shirt over his head before returning his mouth to my body. I looked for Namjoon, finding him sitting not far from us, palming his cock through his pants and smiling fondly.

Seeing Namjoon’s hardness made me curious, so I rolled my body against Taehyung’s, and sure enough he was also sporting an impressive erection. He moaned when my hip rubbed against it, and let himself relax a bit and press me more firmly in to the mattress. His hand slid up to cup my breast, thumb flicking across the nipple that was already stiffened under the lace of my bra. I arched against him again to urge him to continue, my breath coming hard, and my hand was drawn toward the waist of his pants. I was pulling open the fly of his trousers and swallowing a groan when my thoughts caught up with me.

Suddenly, my throat constricted and my stomach rolled, the panic of the situation finally breaking through the haze of lust. I wasn’t really going to have sex with my boyfriend’s roommate/close friend/former lover while said boyfriend watched, was I? My mind was racing, and obviously Tae could feel how I stiffened up because he pulled back and looked at my face.

“Noona?” he asked softly, his voice full of concern, and it almost broke me.

“I-” My voice broke, unable to find the words I needed to reassure him, my breath coming too fast. Taehyung lifted himself off of me, freeing me of his weight pinning me to the bed. I ran my hands through my hair, anxiously pushing it out of my face before covering my burning face with my palms.

“Are you okay, babe?” Namjoon asked softly from beside us. He leaned over so I could see his eyes, actually looking like he was concerned for me, as he brushed a rogue strand of hair from my face. “We can slow down, or even stop, if this is too much for you.”

“What-” I started to ask, then sat up and tried again, still feeling breathless. “What exactly are we stopping, Joon? What is going on?”

Namjoon sighed, tilting his head to look at both Taehyung and I, both of us shirtless, flushed, and still breathing harder than normal, though not for the same reason. “I just- I know you two like each other, and I wanted, I still want, for you to be happy, to be happy together, like you want.” He leaned forward and kissed me softly, and the tear welled up in my eyes again.

He wanted me to be happy, maybe, but happy with Taehyung instead of with him. His words from the other night as well as some things he’d said a week previously suddenly made sense in my mind.

Namjoon was done with me, that much was clear. Like he said, I was his girl for now, but it didn’t have to stay that way, and for some reason he thought the best way to get rid of me was to...was to pass me on to his friend? Like I was some kind of toy that he was done playing with, so now I was hand-me-downs to his little brother?

I pushed Taehyung back, getting him out of my way as I scrambled off the bed, my face burning with shame. I spotted the bright fabric of my shirt near the end of the bed and grabbed it before I ran out of the room.

Rushing down the hall, I fumbled with the thin piece of clothing, trying to turn it right side out. I heard footsteps behind me, but I wasn’t sure who was chasing after me and didn’t really care at the moment, not wanting to face either of them.

The tears still filling my eyes, plus the temporary blindness of pulling my shirt over my head as I stepped into the living room area, meant I missed the fact that there were now other people in the dorm. A couple of the guys, I didn’t really look to see which ones, stood in the kitchen and another was on the couch, watching me storm past them and kick off my slippers, searching for where I’d put my shoes when we’d arrived.

“Babe,” Namjoon spoke just before I felt his hand grab my arm. “Babe, come on, talk to me. Tell me what’s really wrong, please?” I ignored him, still searching for my things in the disorder of the entryway. “Look, it was too fast, I’m sorry, I get it, please just talk to me.”

I twisted, pulling my arm out of his grasp. Trying to keep my voice down, to keep our conversation from reaching the others, I hissed, “Fuck you, Kim Namjoon. You don’t get to do that to me and then pretend not to know what’s wrong.”

He shook his head, his eyes widened and his jaw dropped. “I don’t- Babe, I honestly don’t know what’s wrong, unless you tell me. I know things got really intense in there, it could be any of a million things.”

I finally looked up at him, noting the honest confusion on his face. He didn’t realize I’d figured out what he was doing, what he had planned for me. “You need to grow some fucking balls. For someone who is supposed to be so good with words, you should be able to tell me that you’re tired of me, and be honest with me, instead of trying to hand me down to one of your members like I am some kind of toy you don’t want to play with anymore.” He had the audacity to look shocked, and it only fueled me. “You think you’re being kind, or something, but getting Tae to fuck me because you don’t want to anymore is just...ugh.”

My hands were balled into fists at my sides and it took everything in me not to start wailing and beating his chest. He made me so mad, and I felt so betrayed, I couldn’t look at him anymore. I turned around again, finally spotting my shoes sticking out from under the small shelf that held everyone’s slippers. Shoving my feet into them, I felt the angry tears finally start to fall down my face. I hated crying, hated that any strong emotion could bring me to the point of tears, and I was overwhelmed by a mixture of strong emotions as I looked back toward Namjoon, still standing between me and the rest of the dorm.

Taehyung stood behind him now, still shirtless, pants still undone, but holding my purse and phone in his hands. I must have brought them into their room but obviously forgot to grab them when I stormed out.

I stepped closer, reaching past Namjoon for Tae to hand me my things. “Babe, you’ve got it all wrong,” Namjoon was trying to convince me, but I shut him out. Taehyung passed me my purse and phone, and I slipped the latter into my pocket. “Baby, please, don’t go,” Tae gave me that look, where he pressed his lips together and the corners of his mouth turned up but it wasn’t a smile. That look the meant ‘I get it, I wish there was something I could do, I’m sorry’ all at once. His sad eyes met mine briefly before I spun back around and walked out the door.

30 Days P.I. (3 days after aborted threesome)

I felt my phone buzz somewhere under me, but couldn’t be bothered to find it in the mess of blankets I was cocooned in. I’d spent the 60 or so hours previous wallowing, going over everything that had happened, and feeling sorry for myself.

My best friend in the city (who wasn’t an idol), Lee Ji Soo, had come by to bring me ice cream and hold my hand for a while, but she has other things to do, and it’s not like I could be completely honest about what had happened. She’d politely respected my privacy after the whole scandal had broken, knowing that even though I was publically dating a member of Bangtan, I still couldn’t talk about details. Ji Soo’s keen mind and sharp intuition had put two and two together when I called her up, sobbing into the phone and asking why he didn’t want me anymore, though, so she’d rushed to be by my side. The text was probably from her, checking to make sure I hadn’t literally drowned in my own tears.

The buzzing came again, not the short one to remind me that I had a new message, but the longer one, accompanied by the annoying chirp of my messaging app that meant I had another new text. I’d muted both Namjoon and Tae, not even opening their chats, I just wasn’t ready to deal with them yet.

Grumbling to myself, I levered my top half off the bed and pawed through the folds of the fuzziest blanket I owned until I spotted the offending piece of technology. Collapsing back into my nest, I checked the screen to see who was impatient enough to message me twice in the span of two minutes.

To my surprise, Jung Hoseok’s name topped the first alert. If it had been one of the other members, Jimin or Jungkook, I might have ignored them, assuming they would either be curious as to what happened or acting as an agent of the offending parties. Hoseok rarely texted me though, so I unlocked the phone and opened the app. Before today, our entire message history consisted of “Hey, we’re gonna be late and Namjoon forgot to charge his phone” and “I’ve asked everyone else, do you have any idea what Joonie wants for his birthday?”

Now, though, the two most recent messages on the screen said:

Hoseok: Monie is an idiot, but not the kind of idiot you think

Hoseok: Please talk to him, I swear that he can explain if you just talk to him

Hoseok and I might not be super close, but he’d always looked out for me, and I couldn’t imagine he’d be initiating this conversation unless it was genuine. I sighed and dropped my phone back onto my pillow.

I’d pretty much cried myself out by that point, but I will still so...tired. I was physically exhausted from all the wailing and sobbing, and mentally exhausted from, well, everything else. It had been a very very long month, and what Namjoon had done had been the cherry on top.

I wasn’t ready to talk to him today, not quite yet. But I picked the phone back up and texted Hobi that I’d talk to Joon in a few days.

32 Days P.I. (5 days after aborted threesome)

True to my word, two days later I opened my my messaging app and clicked on Namjoon’s name. The little bubble told me there were more than fifty unread messages, but I didn’t bother scrolling up to read them.

If you want to call, I’ll answer

I thought I’d have to wait a while, maybe I assumed he’d be busy with something, but less than two minutes later my phone was vibrating. I’d silenced the special ringtone I’d set for him when he was calling incessantly, and all I had wanted to do was throw the phone against the wall every time I heard it.

I swiped across the screen to answer the call, and hit the speaker button, but suddenly I couldn’t think of what to say.

“Babe?” Namjoon asked softly after a couple moments of silence. “You there?”

“Ye-” I started, but choked on the words, my throat constricting painfully upon hearing his voice again. I cleared my throat and tried again. “Yeah, I’m here.”

I appreciated the speaker function making me able to move the phone away from my ear at the sudden rush of noise when Namjoon sighed directly into his phone’s mic. “Oh god, babe, it’s so good to hear your voice.” His words tumbled out of his mouth as if they’d been caged and only just set free.

I was struck dumb once again, unable to think of what to say. Could I admit that as angry and sad as I was, I had missed his voice as well?

When I didn’t say anything, he continued, “I’ve been on edge ever since Hoseok told me you’d replied to him. I’m so sorry, I fucked up so bad, I know that. Will you let me explain?”

I sighed. “Sure, Joon-ah. You want to talk now or is there a better-?”

“In person, please,” he begged, cutting me off. “I need to see you, please, this will be easier face-to-face.”

I thought I was showing a lot of maturity by not immediately scoffing at him. “Okay. Not at the dorm, though,” I requested. “I can meet you at your studio I guess-” Then I remembered cuddling between him and Tae on that couch just before the whole thing started. “You know what, maybe you could come here instead? It’s a bit of a mess, but…”

“Let me take you out,” Namjoon cut in. “My treat. We can go out to lunch, or grab dinner later if you’re too busy right now.”

My brain froze. “You want to go out? Like, in public?” Did he assume that if we were in public, I wouldn’t make a scene?

I couldn’t see him, of course, but I was pretty sure Namjoon was nodding from the rustling noises I heard. “Yeah, it’s been too long since we went out.”

I hesitated, unsure if he was really thinking things through or just saying what he thought I wanted to hear. “Yeah, for a good reason, Namjoon. Maybe we should just do this on the phone after all.”

“No, come on, babe,” he whined. “We can go to that Japanese place you like, with the great teriyaki.”

“Namjoon, people will see us if we’re out together. Reporters will see us,” I reminded him. “Your managers aren’t going to give you permission to be seen in public with me, not at this point. Keeping me on lock down seems to have been working,” I tried to appeal, hoping he would remember his loyalty to the group and their image. “Are you really going to spoil all that for a girl you’re trying to break up with?”

“No!” Namjoon said sharply. “I’m not breaking up with you! I don’t want to break up, that’s what I’m trying to tell you. You’ll have to dump me if this is over, because I never want to leave you.” His voice softened, adding, “I want you to see that you are more important to me than anything, even a scandal or getting in trouble with management.”

“How-” I choked again, finding I still had tears left in me to cry. “I don’t get it.” How could he say these things, I was so confused. Had I really gotten it all wrong?

“Babe, I was never trying to pass you off, or whatever it was that you thought,” he tried to explain. “You’re too important to me, too precious. I never want to let you go. When I said I wanted to be with you forever, I meant it.”

Gathering my courage, I finally asked about the words that had convinced me that he was tired of me. “Then why tell Taehyung I was your girl for now, but it wouldn’t always be that way?”

“I never-” he started, letting out a huge sigh. “I really am the biggest idiot in the world, aren’t I?” he asked rhetorically. Another deep breath which was then blown straight into the mic, making me move the phone away again from the sudden rush of noise. I set the phone down so I would stop fiddling with it. “I wasn’t trying to say that you wouldn’t always be my girl. I was trying to imply that maybe you wouldn’t be only my girl.”

My mind, my breathing, both ground to a halt, trying to figure out what he was saying. “What?”

“I don’t want to end our relationship, I was just trying to...adjust it,” he said cautiously. When I was unable to answer, he continued, “Can we just talk about this at lunch? It’s the kind of thing that’s better to talk about in person.”

“Uh-” I hesitated, still unsure. “Yeah, sure, I guess.”

“Great, I’ll call ahead and get us a private room,” he said. “Meet you there in twenty minutes?”

***

“Why was I even worried about meeting in public if we’re arriving separately and getting a private room?” I grumbled to myself. “We could have tried to do this weeks ago.” I ignored the looks I earned from the other pedestrians waiting at the crosswalk, who must have wondered what was wrong with me. The restaurant Namjoon had named was on the next block, a family run place I’d wandered into years ago and discovered had the best teriyaki. Stepping through the door, I realized the hostess was new and therefore wouldn’t recognize me as Namjoon’s regular eating companion.

“Yeah, hi, I’m meeting someone,” I replied after she had greeted me.

She nodded and looked at the screen next to her. “Name?” she asked politely.

“Umm…” I didn’t know what name Namjoon would have given for the reservation. “He probably called like, half an hour ago? He booked a private room,” I tried.

The hostess gave me a look that said she didn’t believe me. “I’m sorry, miss, if you don’t know who you’re meeting, I can’t show you to a table. We are fully booked. I can put you on the list, but it will be about 20 minutes.”

I sighed, rolling my eyes in my head at Namjoon for forgetting to tell me this small detail. “I dunno, maybe Koya? Ryan?” I listed a couple of names he’d used before, but saw no recognition in her eyes. “He wouldn’t have used it, but his name is Kim Namjoon.”

One of the servers I recognized, the chef/owner’s daughter, stepped up just as the hostess’s eyes widened. “Right this way, miss,” the server said with a gesture for me to follow, leaving the hostess looking a bit shocked and looking me up and down. I felt my face flush at the blatant appraisal as I followed the server to a staircase leading to the lower level of the restaurant, a hallway lined with sliding rice paper partitions, and through one she opened for me.

Namjoon sat at the table, his long legs crossed on the thin cushion, his all black attire striking against the pale soft colours of the decor. A small pot of tea and two ceramic cups already graced the table. He stood up when I entered, stepping forward as if to hug me but hesitating and dropping them back to his sides.

“Hey,” I greeted, setting my purse down and sitting on a cushion on the other side of the table from him. “Sorry, I’m a bit late.”

“No no, you’re fine,” Namjoon assured me. “It was kind of last minute, anyway.” He sat back down and poured a measure of tea into the empty cup, sliding it over to me. We sat in awkward silence for a few moments, neither of us ready to talk about what needed to be said, before he asked, “So, how is the thesis defense going?”

I huffed into my cup as I took a sip of the slightly bitter tea. “Haven’t really been working on it for the last few days,” I admitted. I looked around for a menu, but saw none. “Have you already ordered?” Yes, it was a weak and blatant attempt to change the subject. No, I wasn’t proud.

Namjoon nodded in answer to my question. “I ordered your usual for you, I hope you don’t mind,” he said, his voice uncharacteristically timid.

“Yeah, thanks,” I tried to assure him, but it came out sounding more sarcastic than I had meant. “So, yeah, you wanted to talk?” I volleyed, trying to start the conversation I’d come all this way to have.

Namjoon nodded. “Yeah, but maybe let’s wait until after the food gets here? I don’t want to be interrupted.”

I nodded. The silence hung heavy between us.

“So, uh, how are the members?” I asked lamely.

“Good, they’re good,” he told me. “A little concerned after what happened, but once I kind of explained what happened, they were the ones who made me see what a fool I’ve been.”

“I didn’t mean-” I started. “I meant like, how was the album and rehearsals. I didn’t mean to make it sound like I was asking about how they reacted.”

Namjoon chucked ruefully. “Yeah, but figuring stuff out has kind of been a big part of the last few days. They saw my girlfriend, who they all love, running out of my room half dressed and almost crying, being chased by me and my - also half-naked - roommate. And then she starts saying stuff about me trying to give her to him, so it’s understandable that they’d be concerned. Mostly about your safety.”

I flushed at the memory, knowing now what the real situation had been. “I still don’t know what’s going on,” I muttered.

Namjoon sighed. “I know, babe, I’m trying to figure out the best way to tell you-” He cut off as the partition slid open and two servers entered, carrying a collection of small plates and dishes. By unspoken agreement we waited until all of the items had been deposited and we were alone to begin eating.

Conversation was slow to resume, though, due to our enjoyment of the food in front of us. We moved in concert, arranging dishes closer to the person who enjoyed it more, carefully dividing the mutual favourites evenly between our plates, and depositing disliked ingredients on the other’s. Habits born of long practice in the years we’d been eating together were hard to break even with the tension hanging between us.

Once our initial hunger had been sated in silence, I looked at Namjoon pointedly, waiting for him to begin once again with his explanation of exactly what had been miscommunicated to leave our relationship in such a precarious situation.

“Look, how about you tell me why you thought I was trying to give you to Taehyung, and I’ll fill in what you don’t know,” he suggested, obviously unsure of where to start. I took a deep breath and began speaking.

I explained about how I’d been so happy after we’d made up, that I hadn’t even really considered why he’d teased Tae so much, and then brought him along to my place, and invited him into our bed even after the scandal that had plagued our lives. About how I’d overheard him talking to Tae that night, telling the younger man his suspicions about romantic feelings between him and I, and about how my heart broke when he said that I was his girl, but it “didn’t have to be that way”.

Namjoon interrupted me there. “Aw, babe, that’s not what I meant at all!”

“Do you want me to tell you what I was thinking, or not?”

“Sorry, you’re right. Go ahead.”

I told him of the pit of despair I’d wallowed in, about how I’d tried over and over again to figure out what went wrong and why he’d leave me after all we’d been through. I explained why I’d been so despondent when I’d arrived at the studio to visit him, thinking I was about to get dumped. When I got to the part about my confusion when he was encouraging me to be physical with Taehyung, he interrupted again.

“So you thought I was trying to set you up with your next boyfriend, before we were even over?”

“Well, Namjoon, you’d asked more than once if I was going to hook up with him after we broke up, it wasn’t that much of a stretch.”

He grabbed by hand across the table, squeezing it and pulling it closer. “I’m sorry, babe. I really, really shouldn’t have tried to spring a surprise threesome on you.”

“A surprise threesome? That was the goal?” I was incredulous.

Namjoon shrugged. “I’ve been thinking...I was trying to set it up for, uh...” he mumbled something that I couldn’t hear.

“You were trying to set up…” I prompted.

“I was playing with the idea of inviting Taehyung into our relationship,” he finally said in a rush. I froze, the chopsticks I’d been holding dropping out of my grip and clattering to the table. When I said nothing, he asked, “So, that probably wasn’t the best way to go about things.”

“Ya think?!” I said quickly. I watched his face fall and immediately regretted my hasty words; he was obviously trying really hard to explain, and was well aware of how he’d messed up. “Sorry, that was harsher than I meant. I just mean, why didn’t you come to me? I knew you had a past with Taehyung, it wouldn’t have been a shock if you told me there were lingering feelings there. Hell, you literally invited him to at least watch us hook up more than once.”

Namjoon sighed. “Yeah, but you and he always brushed it off as me being a generalized perv, not an intentional move on him. I figured if I actually encouraged the two of you directly, things might finally go somewhere.”

It was my turn to sigh. I could see how it all made some sort of sense in his head, but he still never thought to actually discuss his plans with either of us-

“Did you talk about this with Taehyung?” I asked, pulling my hand from his as the thought occurred to me. “Like, before it happened?”

“Um-” Namjoon flushed. “I mean, we had already talked about how he liked you, and I might have floated the idea of a threesome at some point…”

“That’s how he knew what was coming, when you kissed him,” I realized. My food was forgotten, I just sat with my hands folded in my lap as I contemplated the situation. “So you talked to him about whatever your plan was, about bringing him into our relationship, before you talked to me? The other person actually in said relationship?”

“No!” Namjoon answered quickly. “Not the part about being with us, like, long term. Just...just the idea of joining us in bed.”

“At least you talked to someone,” I muttered.

He frowned at that. “Hey, I am not the only one who didn’t talk,” he pointed out. “You were making a lot of assumptions without talking to me at all, too.”

“And what would have happened, if I was right, Joon-ah?” I asked. “It was my worst nightmare come true!” I looked down to my hands, twisted together just below the table. “At least if I didn’t say anything, I could hope you’d change your mind.”

I didn’t notice he had moved until he knelt next to me, and his arm slid around my shoulder. “For two people who are supposed to be pretty smart, we kind of missed the mark.” He spoke into my hair, his lips pressed against my head. “Please, just tell me I haven’t fucked this up beyond repair?”

Twisting into him, I slid my arms around his waist. “I was planning on staying with you until the moment you left me, even when I thought you were going to dump me,” I pointed out. “Now that we both understand better, I think we might be able to get through this.”

“Thank god,” he breathed, then cupped my chin to turn me to face him, and kissed me gently. I returned his kiss, keeping it light and sweet, a relieved kiss more than anything. He pulled back, kissing me again on the forehead. “I swear, I’ll talk to you about any crazy relationship ideas from now on.”

I giggled, almost giddy. “I appreciate it,” I admitted. He pulled me closer, awkwardly dragging me into his lap.

“I just can’t get the image of you out of my head, right before you ran out of the room. You looked so betrayed, so heartbroken.” Namjoon just held me tight in his arms, as if he was afraid to let me go. “Which makes sense, I guess. You were. And I hate that I made you feel that way.”

“I never want to hurt you like that, ever again,” he continued. “I’ll talk to Taehyungie, I mean I’m sure he’s not expecting us to approach him again after what happened, but I’ll try to explain what happened. Getting better at communicating has to start somewhere, right?” The way he said it, with this sense of finality, made me stop and think.

“Joonie?” I asked softly. “Is it- Was it cause I’m not enough? Is there just something you’ll always be missing that will hang over us forever?”

“Oh babe, no, never,” Namjoon was quick to reassure me, somehow squeezing me even tighter. “You are always enough, more than enough for me, I swear.” I smiled weakly, trying to believe him. He continued, “This was just my incredibly selfish reaction to a very specific situation I built up in my head. Now that I realize how off-base I was, the temptation is gone.”

I wasn’t sure I could believe that entirely. It’s not like Taehyung was going anywhere, for either of us, because I realized that he was going to be a temptation for us both. He was going to be Namjoon’s fellow group member, his dongsaeng, for the foreseeable future at least, and as long as I was with Joon, he’d be there too.

As much as I had recoiled at the idea of Namjoon foisting me off on Taehyung, those feelings the situation had made me face remained. Was is really so out of the question that Namjoon and I be involved with him?

I wasn’t sure, couldn’t make any guarantees, but I knew I couldn’t write off the idea entirely.

“I’m not saying that I’m for sure in…” I said after a few moments. “But...let’s not rule it out quite yet, either?”

“Rule what out?” Namjoon asked, clearly confused. Then his eyes widened, his whole body tensing around me. “You mean, lets not rule Taehyung out?”

I nodded. “I’m still not sure, but I just think its something I need to consider. And I’d need to talk to Tae, have a serious discussion with him.”

“Yeah, sure, let me know and we can come over-”

“Alone, Namjoon,” I interrupted him. “Tae and I need to discuss things without you over our shoulders, with those excited hopeful puppy-dog eyes of yours. We need to decide if this is what we want, and that we wouldn’t just be doing it to make you happy because we love you.”

He relaxed again, but kept me close. “Okay, okay, that makes sense,” he admitted. “Just, I want you to know that I love you either way. And I am going to be with you, no matter if its with Tae or the two of us.”

I hummed in agreement and turned to kiss him again. Just then, our server slid the partition open and peeked inside, clearing her throat. “All finished?” she asked politely.

I slipped out of Namjoon’s lap and back onto my own cushion. Namjoon helped hand the empty plates to the server and quietly asked for the bill. Once that was paid, by him despite my objections, he pulled out his phone and started typing a message.

“Calling for a car?” I asked.

Namjoon shook his head. “No, just apologizing to Sejin-ssi,” he answered.

“What did you do to Sejin?” I couldn’t imagine what he’d managed to do to his manager in the time we’d been eating lunch.

“Nothing yet,” he said cryptically. “Are you headed back home or to school? Can I walk you? We can stop for boba on the way.”

I hesitated. “Is that a good idea?” I gathered my purse and straightened my clothes. “Photographers have stopped following me everywhere, but you never know…”

Namjoon slid both his large hands around my waist and looked down at me with a fond smile. “You’re worth the risk.”

33 Days P.I. (1 day after second make up)

My phone was buzzing, and once again I was surprised by the name on the screen when I picked it up. Thankfully I was alone in the office at school, so I could answer the FaceTime call from Jin, assuming it must be an accident or an emergency since we didn't usually call each other, let alone use video calling.

Jin's face appeared briefly on screen, only long enough for me to see the smirk on his face and a couple of other familiar faces behind him before the camera switched to show me what he was seeing.

I recognized one of the numerous conference rooms at the Big Hit offices, where a trio of management types sat at one end of the room with Namjoon facing them, in heated conversation. I knew from the view of Jin that at least some of the other members were in the room as well, watching the fireworks.

"How did they find you, Namjoon?" one of the managers asked, annoyance and anger battling for dominance in his tone.

"I don't know," my boyfriend replied, obviously not for the first time. Even through the small screen I could sense his apathy, his complete disregard for their concerns. "It's a free city, someone must have spotted me when I had my mask down."

"You're lucky my contact at Dispatch gave me a heads up," said another manager, obviously from the PR team. "Otherwise those pictures would be everywhere by now."

"So let them be everywhere!" Namjoon shot back. "I wasn't doing anything wrong, I was walking my girlfriend back to her apartment after we had lunch together. Our relationship is public! What's the big deal?"

"Don't play with us, young man," the third man chimed in. I didn't recognize him, so he was probably higher up on the corporate ladder than I usually associated with. "We have a strategy in place to deal with the scandal with your little girlfriend, remember?"

"Yeah, well, your strategy almost cost me the woman I love," Namjoon retorted. "So I say we try a new strategy, where we get to live our fucking lives and don't kowtow to what other people think."

I nearly dropped the phone, fumbling it a bit and missing the response to Namjoon's uncharacteristic outburst. His words must have shocked the older men as much as it did me, to see my normally respectful boyfriend snap at them like that.

"They only assumed we'd broken up because we were never allowed to say any different," Namjoon was arguing again. "Not our fault that they all drew the wrong conclusion."

"Yes," PR manager said. "But we can't just ignore the original scandal."

The first manager had been quiet so far, but he finally spoke up again. "So, instead of hiding like something is wrong, put them on centre stage." When the other managers looked confused, he continued, "Like how we had Namjoon and Taehyung spending lots of time together in front of cameras, to show there were no issues between them. Just add the girl into the picture, let the story be about how they are all still friends."

"That works for me," Namjoon agreed. "Suits me perfectly, in fact."

Jin flipped the camera to I could see his handsome face again, his eyebrows raised so high they disappeared into his fringe and his mouth formed a little 'o'. I laughed at his expression, as quietly as I could to avoid letting anybody else know I was on the phone.

"Seokjin?" someone called from the other side of the room, and suddenly our call cut off as Jin hung up in a panic.

A couple minutes later I got a text from him.

Jin: I'm just so proud, I've raised our leader so well.

35 Days P.I. (3 Days Post Makeup)

I re-read the email on my screen three times before I texted Namjoon.

Me: Defense date is set for next Wednesday, 2:30 pm

His response was quick, like they had been all week, as though he kept his phone in his hand and un-silenced at all times.

Joonie <3: That soon??? They don't give you a lot of notice, do they?

I smiled at my phone, shaking my head at his concern

Me: We've known it would be next week for a while, just not the day and time

I realized he might be upset over the late notice for another reason.

Me: You don't have to come, you know, if you have something scheduled

Me: Audiences aren't very common at these things, unless they're in the same field

I saw the three little dots that indicated he was typing something.

Joonie <3 : I'll figure it out. Wanna be there for you

Joonie <3 : Do you think Tae could come along as well? He was talking about wanting to go to support you...

I'd spent the majority of the three days previous worrying over the decision looming over me. The question of whether to give adding Taehyung to our relationship a try was not something I took lightly.

I couldn't deny that there was something more between us than friendship, at least on my part. I'd always ignored the attraction, the little crush, in favour of our amazing friendship and in deference to the relationship I was trying to make work with one of the nation's biggest idols. I'd attributed the fact that Tae and I were closer and more cuddly than I was with the others to his personality meshing with mine so well, on a platonic level.

I'd challenged myself to be honest, and having had days to think it over, I was ready to admit that I could see myself forming a relationship with Taehyung. What still remained to be seen was a) if he felt the same way and b) how the resulting relationship between us would fit in with the relationships we each had with Namjoon.

Me: I think he and I need to have a talk first

Me: Any gaps in your schedule in the next couple days?

Joonie <3 : We've got a photoshoot this afternoon

Joonie <3 : I can arrange for Tae to be done first, he can come meet you after that?

Me: Great

Me: How late will he be, do you think?

Me: Will I need to feed him?

Me: Oh god, what do I wear???

Me: I don't want to look like I asked him over to bang

Me: But I don't want to look like a nun either, if we're discussing a potential relationship

Me: Namjoon, help me!

The three little dots had been hanging at the bottom of the screen for the entirety of my rant, but he failed to send me any messages until I became desperate.

Joonie <3 : Babe. just wear whatever, he won't care

Joonie <3 : Pls don't bang him, tho

Joonie <3 : Not yet

Joonie <3 : I wanna be there for that

***

Somehow, after my initial freak out, I was feeling calm by the time Namjoon texted to let me know Taehyung was finished at the shoot and was on his way to me. I wasn't sure if my nerves were actually settling down or if I'd just fried them to the point of numbness, but I was thankful for the sense of calm I felt when Tae buzzed to be let in. He looked devastatingly handsome, his hair and makeup still styled from the photos he'd been taking, even in his own linen pants and loose maroon shirt. I felt out of place in my own home, in my jeans and one of Namjoon's giant shirts.

"Hey," I greeted him when he made his way to my door. I was still feeling shy, even if I was more calm, as I stepped aside and gestured for him to come in.

He smiled his adorable square smile at me and I melted a little. "Hey, noona. It's, uh- It's good to see you."

"Likewise, Taehyung-ah," I returned, but found myself at a loss for what to say next. "I wasn't sure if you'd gotten a chance to eat, but I have some ramyun or something if you want? Shit, you're in the middle of photo shoots, you probably don't want the extra salt to make you puffy. Ummm...I could always order something in?" The nerves I thought had settled were racing again, making me ramble as I paced around the small living room, looking for something to do with my hands.

Taehyung reached out and wrapped his long fingers around my wrist as I moved past him for the second time. "I'm fine, noona. I promise I had something to eat. They do feed us on shoots, you know."

"Right," I sighed. "Can I get you something to drink, at least? Water, tea...?" He just nodded, so I filled a couple of water glasses and brought them back to the living room, where he'd made himself comfortable on my couch.

"So..." I started, taking a sip of my water to wet my suddenly dry mouth. "this is weird, right? This feels weird. Maybe we should have had Namjoon here, he would know what to say."

Taehyung nodded. "I've never had to, like, formally interview for a relationship before," he joked. "First dates aren't quite so straightforward. And after that, things just always fell into place, or worked their way out organically." My lips tightened into a line, which must have concerned him because he reached over and took both my hands in his. "But it's worth it! I think so, anyway, right? I mean, a poly triad relationship is going to go a little different than what we're used to, by definition."

It was my turn to nod. "Okay then." I took another deep breath. "I guess we have some things to discuss. Can I- I mean, is it okay if I ask you some questions first?" He nodded, and let go of my hands to lean back into the corner of my couch, spreading his arms wide as if to show what an open book he was trying to be. It was an unconscious move, but it showed how incredibly confident he was, which was distressingly attractive when I was trying to be more logical about things. The move also served to remind me that while he could look small at times, Taehyung was quite simply larger than me, and I blushed hard.

"I guess the most important question is, do you want this? Do you want to, like become a triad, or whatever, with Namjoon and me?" I looked him in the eyes as I asked, needing to see his response as much as hear it.

"Yes." Tae held my gaze, as though he knew how much I needed it.

"And do you want me?" I hated how softly the question came out, as though I had lost the confidence and bravado I'd been feeling. Which wasn't inaccurate, but I didn't like showing my vulnerability.

Again, a firm: "Yes."

"As more than an obligation you have to put up with in order to be with the person you really want?"

Taehyung looked confused, taking a few extra seconds to process what I'd said. Once he had, he shook his head vigorously. "You think I'm just putting up with, like, a bonus partner cause I want to be with Namjoon-hyung? No, if anything, he's the bonus partner, not you." He slapped his hand over his mouth, looking as shocked at his own words as I felt. "I don't mean it like that! I just mean, if hyung hadn't made it clear from the moment he introduced you that he as interested in you, I'd have asked you out in a second. You can ask Jimin, I whined at him the whole time hyung was doubting himself before making a move. Heck, I even asked him to give you my number if he couldn't grow some balls. Then you guys were dating, and we became friends, and I had to keep my feelings platonic because you were my hyung's girlfriend."

He paused again before continuing. "Don't think I don't want to be with hyung, though. The relationship between us has been like this for years, like friends with benefits who know they couldn't be anything more than that. At the time, anyway. Earlier in our career we couldn't risk being together together for real, because we were too busy and too vulnerable to a scandal ruining us entirely. At least, that's what we told ourselves." Tae reached out and tucked a lock of my hair behind my ear, like some cheesy lead in a drama. "Now I think maybe we were just waiting for you. You make the two of us...make sense. Like you were our missing piece."

I was too stunned to speak for a moment. Namjoon and I hadn't discussed how deep his relationship with Taehyung had been, what he wanted it to become, but Tae had just laid it all out there on the table. It made a kid of sense, really, that rather than a purely sex-based hook-up, their relationship has been more like taking what they could get because of outside circumstances. Joon was a sexual creature, I knew that very well, but I'd never suspected that he'd have been the type to have a fuck buddy. Hook-ups, one night stands, sure; living the idol life didn't make it easy to sustain a relationship, especially when it had to remain a secret. But in addition to being a horny bastard, Namjoon was also one of the most romantic people I knew: an ongoing relationship based purely on sex just wasn't his style.

"I...wow," was all I could come up with. I hadn't even processed the fact that Taehyung had maintained some kind of crush on me over the last couple years. "That's a lot to consider."

"What about you?" Taehyung turned the questions on me, before I was really ready. "Do you want this?" I nodded, but he didn't move on, so I gave him the verbal response he needed. "And do you want me?" he continued, echoing my own questions. Again, I nodded and have my ascent. "As more than a means to keep your boyfriend happy?" I noticed how his mouth tightened around the question, though he was able to keep his voice level. This was the question he was really worried about.

"Yes, Taehyung," I assured him. "The other night, I freaked out on you, I know. But it was for reasons that had absolutely nothing to do with you or what we were doing, directly. It was a case of miscommunication and my overactive brain."

"Yeah, Joon-hyung explained what you'd thought was going on," he told me. "I swear, I thought the two of you had discussed things, I thought it was something you'd agreed on already. If I'd known-"

"You did nothing wrong, Tae-ah," I said, scooting closer and putting my hand on his knee. "Believe me, I wanted to be there, wanted to be with you like that, it was just that I started to think it meant something else and I freaked out. I mean, Joon and I had talked about it, in a kind of abstract way, but that was before I thought he was planning on breaking up with me and fixing me up with you at the same time." I massaged his leg just above his knee, feeling the strong muscle of his thigh twitch under my hand. "If I just wanted to keep Namjoon happy but didn't want you myself, I'd have suggested opening our relationship, not inviting you into it. Believe me, I really really like the idea of the three of us together."

Tae reached for the hand on his leg and picked it up, interlacing our fingers and bringing it up to his mouth to kiss softly. "I really really like the idea of the three of us together, too," he confessed.

"So, does this mean..." Even knowing where we stood, it still took me a bit to find the words. "Are we doing this? The three of us are dating each other?" Taehyung nodded. "Should we call Namjoon and tell him, then?"

Tae looked like he needed to consider it for a minute. "Normally I'd say yes, but he's practically been turning my ass numb with the constant texts, probably asking for updates." He fished his phone out of his back pocket, the lock screen filled with alerts of new messages from 'Leader-hyung', the phone buzzing twice more even as he placed it on the table.

I laughed. "I put him on silent when I buzzed you up," I admitted, pointing to where my phone sat on the kitchen counter. "I think we can let him stew for a little while longer, though."

"Good, then we can gossip about him," Tae said with that boxy grin of his. He hadn't let go of my hand, and reached out for the other, turning me and pulling me across his lap. It was a position we'd shared many times before, with my thighs across his and one of his arms around my back and the other over my knees. Somehow it felt more intimate now, I was more aware of the heat of his body where it pressed against mine, the way his fingers gripped the softness of my waist and the other drew patterns on my knee.

How had I not realized how many non-platonic feelings for Taehyung I'd been ignoring? I'd been avoiding my body's response to him for so long that now that I allowed myself to feel, it was overwhelming.

I laughed. "Um, I don't know, what do you want to know about him?"

"What's he like as a boyfriend?" Tae prompted.

I thought for a moment. "He's sweet, but you probably could have guessed that. He makes a bigger deal over hundred days and anniversaries than I do. He gets my opinion on what photos to include in his Kim Daily updates, if I wasn't the one to take them in the first place. He goes to sleep cuddling, but then by morning he's sprawled over as much of the bed as he can. Some days when he's feeling needy he will literally kiss me every 2 minutes. If he says he's coming over after he's done for the day, he means it, even if its only for like 2 hours because practice runs late." Taehyung smiled at my words, seeming to recognize some of the habits I named. "He can't cook, but he knows my favourite orders at every place we've eaten at more than twice. He cancels plans a lot for work stuff, but insists on making them up to me."

"That probably won't really get better when there's two of us," Tae admitted softly.

"I know," I said wryly. "I knew what I was getting into when I started dating an idol. It's rough but I'm used to it. Umm, lets see. Oh! He writes me letters when you're on tour. Sometimes he mails them, but more often he takes pictures of them and sends those because he can't get to a post box or figures he'll beat it home. He’ll talk my ear off about any new book he find interesting. And he actually listens when I rant about statistics and claims he finds it interesting."

"I hope I'll be a good enough boyfriend for you to compete with all of that," Taehyung admitted, his eyes trained on the far end of the couch.

I reached up and cupped his cheek, turning his face back toward me. "First, its not a competition. Second, friend-Tae has so many amazing qualities, I am sure boyfriend-Tae will be equally as amazing," I said softly. "I wasn't trying to tell you what a great boyfriend Namjoon is for me, I'm letting you know what a great boyfriend he'll be for you, too."

"I guess you don't really need me to fill you in on what he's like as a fuck buddy, do you?" Taehyung joked, trying to lighten the suddenly somber mood.

I flushed. "I mean, I know what he's like in bed with me, but I don't know what he's like with you." Tae watched the way my eyes looked everywhere but at his face, and I saw him grin out of the corner of my eye.

He laughed. "Joonie wasn't kidding when he said you liked thinking about the two of us together, was he?" Taehyung asked, teasing me unfairly. "What do you want to know, noona?"

I blushed further at the way he said the honorific. Stammering, I got out, "Well, I mean, I don't want to pry or be a creep, but, uh, I had kind of wondered who, uh..."

"You want to know who topped?" he guessed with a raised eyebrow. When I nodded guiltily, he smiled. "While I feel like I should be giving you a lecture about fetishizing same sex relationships, I'll admit you have a valid reason for wanting to know."

I watched him as he leaned forward to grab his glass and have a sip of water, waiting ever so patiently for him to spill the tea on a situation I'd been actively wondering about for weeks now. Apparently I didn't look as patient as I had hoped, because he nearly spit out his water and laughed when he looked back at my face. "Would you like some water, too, honey? You're looking a little thirsty."

Not finding his teasing amusing in the least, I smacked his arm lightly. "Aish, you're so rough, noona!" he complained. "To answer your question, most of our...encounters were of the manual and oral variety. Kind of hard to find the time and privacy for anal with our schedules."

"Uh huh, you said most..." I prompted, no longer feeling shame at my interest after his teasing.

"We've each done both," Taehyung confessed. "He's a little more, uh...suited for the role of top, personality wise. But he, uh...he told me my dick was too good to waste the opportunity?" It was Tae's turn to blush now, and I giggled at his embarrassment.

I clapped with delight. "Well, I suppose that answers some questions about what I have to expect in bed with you!" I joked. Tae leaned to hide his face in my neck, but I could see the smile on his face before he hid it. He might be embarrassed, but he was a little proud, too.

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