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pluviophile-bookworm · 3 years

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As a member of the HSMTMTS fandom, I need to say something

I used to be a fan of Olivia Rodrigo. I really liked her and her work... before she got big.

I saw Grace Stirs Up Success, and I absolutely fell in love with her acting. I wasn't much into Bizaardvark, but I liked her on the show. I really did. When I found out she would be part of this new HSM project, I was super excited to watch her in it. During season 1, I really liked Nini (which now, as I rewatch the season, I really don't know why I did).

And then All I Want got big. All of a sudden, it was everywhere, so whenever it would come up when I was listening to music, I would skip it because I just couldn't enjoy it anymore. I feel bad about feeling that way. But I was just genuinely sick and tired of being surrounded by it everywhere.

Then Driver's License came out. I was excited to have a new Olivia song to listen to, something to maybe lower the All I Want hype so that said song would be bearable to me again. And then I gave the new single a listen. I just... didn't vibe with it. So I took my time. I moved on to other stuff, feeling disappointed in myself for being unable to enjoy Olivia's work anymore. After a while, I tried listening to the single again. In the meantime, it had become the massive hit we all know it is. I didn't get the hype, but I really wanted to. I desperately wished I was able to see the appeal. So when I listened to the song again, I tried really hard to like it. But beyond the admiration I had for her objectively amazing voice and the fact that she wrote the song herself - I could never - I just couldn't feel a thing. I couldn't relate to either of the major aspects of what the song was about - driving and romantic heartbreak - because I am deathly afraid of driving and I don't do romance, either. I tried really hard to like the song anyway, but something just refused to click. So I gave up, although I still feel bad.

Now, I genuinely don't remember which came first - Sour or the love triangle drama. All I know is that I just can't stand celebrity drama for the life of me. And also that I was put in a very weird position by the narrative of said drama. All of a sudden Olivia, a super talented person I had liked and was really trying to still like, was being pitted against Sabrina, whom I've been a massive fan of since she and I were both 14, and whose music I had never had any trouble liking or relating to. In the middle of it all was Josh, whom I had grown to love in his role as Ricky, and whose music I genuinely enjoyed (and still do).

I guess this was after Sour came out, but at the time when the drama blew up, I was yet to actually make myself acquainted with the album's contents. So I tried once again. This time, I actually liked Driver's License. I can't tell you what the difference was between then and the previous time I had tried listening to it, but I had finally managed to like it. And I instantly vibed with Good 4 U. So I thought, there, I just needed time to get used to everything. I was relieved and made my way through the rest of the album.

As we all know perfectly well by now, the overarching theme of the album is heartbreak. I had a hard time relating to that. Please don't come for me for what I'm about to say - it was a temporary reaction based, I guess, on bitterness over the fact that I couldn't make myself like the album - but for a while the entire thing sounded like a moody teenager, someone much younger than me (when in reality we're less than 4 years apart), whining about losing her boyfriend who might or might not have been Josh. I would roll my eyes and be like, get over it. There are worse things in life than breaking up with some boy. Then I'd beat myself up for sounding like a bitter old lady. I would play the album over and over, trying to find something to relate to, feeling like I was missing some key ingredient. It was like the time before I figured out I was aroace over again. Except this time I genuinely wanted to be able to experience whatever most people seemed to be experiencing with Sour.

I cannot stress enough how hard I tried. I still do. I've kind of wrapped my head around 90% of the album. Funnily enough, the one song where I can relate to the lyrics to some extent is Brutal. But I just can't stand the beat of it. It gives me sensory overload. Yet I still try.

And then there was Hope Ur Ok. Gosh, that one unlocked things in me that I had bottled up for ages. I was not able to listen to it more than once because of how badly it triggered me. Oh the irony - the only two songs I managed to relate to, I can't listen to because they make me feel bad in one way or another.

I have a lot of admiration for Olivia's talent and I'm happy for her success, but I just can't enjoy her work anymore. And I feel so bad about it. Hope you don't hate me for it.

#olivia rodrigo #hsmtmts #jnk #personal #please don't hate me

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invisibletinkerer · 3 years

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Something someone said yesterday made me start thinking about neurodivergent headcanons.

The thing is, I am autistic. But I was only diagnosed last year, as an adult. And for most of my life, I’ve just thought of myself as weird and unable to get it (whatever “it” is that everyone else seems to get). Like I’m not very good at humaning? (Being aroace really doesn’t help with that either.)

So I’ve never connected it to neurodivergence until very recently, but at the same time I’ve attached myself to a lot of characters that are weird in ways that resonate with me.

I just thought of this now, but one of my very first fandoms as a child (before I even knew “fandom” was a thing) was the original series Elfquest. I could never quite explain why I liked Strongbow so much. He wasn’t a fun character.

Looking at it now, Strongbow is autistic as hell.

So there’s that.

Mostly, though, I don’t even want to make that call. A lot of my favorites feel like they could definitely be on the spectrum, but it’s mostly because of… vibes? Because, for good or ill, they’re bad at humaning in a way that’s relatable.

(It can totally be a positive trait, too – just look at Monkey D Luffy.)

And I think it’s partly because of that – because to me it’s about a feeling of relatability – that I feel kind of wary about explicit representation. Because once you’re explicity writing a character as ND, it’s like there’s a responsibility to stay true to the most common diagnosis criteria instead of the weirdness that made the character relatable in the first place?

I don’t know. All I know is that I'm happier with a character that accidentally resonates with what I now know is neurodivergence than one that is supposed to “represent” me but doesn’t resonate.

(I like that “robots and aliens” trope, because it captures the experience so well without actually saying “this is how autistic people are”. YMMV.)

Perhaps that’s an unwarranted worry. Perhaps it’s just because I’m unused to labelling myself, so I’m not quite ready to label characters, either. (Perhaps I’m just scared of the representation politics discourse.)

That said, I definitely support ND headcanons, and probably agree with them too.

#it lives #it thinks #stanford pines i'm looking at you

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princess-of-the-corner · 3 years

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Winx Reboot: Diaspro.

So Diaspro deserves better. I have a habit of taking characters like her and making them more complex, sympathetic, and fun. So I'm adjusting a lot of things.

I wouldn't say I'm giving her a redemption arc. I'm more… Avoiding her needing a redemption arc in the first place by giving her character development.

Okay. So. I can’t remember if they made Diaspro a Princess in any of the dubs(I think in the 4Kids one she was?), but she’s not here. She is very high nobility on Eraklyon though. And is still in an arranged marriage to Sky as some kind of political move between their parents.

She is very much a spoiled child. And that has a lot to do with her parents. They taught her to just live in luxury and not need to lift a finger for anything. She isn't always satisfied with that, and does get into some fun shenanigans. Though any trouble she gets into is usually fixed by her parents.

One thing included in this is that her parents don't bother encouraging her to find a career. The only thing she needs to be is the Future Queen. Basically a trophy wife tbh. They don’t want her doing anything that might compromise that future. (Especially when Sky is already trying to fight it).

Diaspro is friends with Sky, but it's really more big brother/little sister. I am dropping her age slightly but not a lot. Maybe 2 years younger? She starts at Alfea in Season 2 basically.

Diaspro is still very… attached to the idea of marrying Sky. Deep down she knows she doesn't actually like him like that. But between her parent's expectations, the fact that she doesn't know what to do without that future, and that she also might be AroAce, she really tries to force it and hold onto that idea.

Sky figured that out already, especially because he knows he doesn't want to marry her. He does encourage her to try other career paths, and is trying to get through to his parents that he isn't going to marry her no matter what.

The episode where Diaspro is introduced is a lot different. She shows up while the whole Winx and Red Fountain gang are hanging in town and accidentally reveals the Sky/Brandon identity swap(she didn't know they swapped so calls them by their real names).

She does kinda snap at Bloom and starts a fight over the whole relationship drama. It'll get better eventually but it starts off rocky.

During the battle in the end of Season 1 she still tries to get Sky to come home and not fight, but he shuts that down. He has a different idea of what it means to rule a Kingdom than she has been taught. It makes her rethink it. She stays and does what she can to join the fight.

In Season 2 she starts her first year at Alfea. Her parents wanted her to go somewhere else, if they wanted her to train her powers at all tbh, but she convinced them by using the "this way I have more chances to hang with Sky and talk him back into the marriage!"

In reality though, she's been rethinking things and has begun to realize she wants an actual purpose outside of "be Sky's trophy wife". Hopefully she'll figure it out during her time at Alfea.

She does stick close to the Winx and seems very judgmental of Bloom. Most interpret this as her being jealous, and in some ways she is, but at this point she's given up on Sky loving her back and is more making sure that Bloom is good enough for him.

They actually end up talking and find out they relate with being unable to find a purpose. Bloom has figured out her purpose now, but remembers what it feels like and offers to help.

Diaspro also ends up sneaking onto the Main Plot Mission. She initially goes just to stick close to both Sky and Bloom, like usual. But she manages to convince them that she can be helpful, as her powers over gems and precious metals could be useful underground.

I haven’t thought about much past Season 2, but she’s going to be a semi-reoccuring presence.

#winx club reboot project

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mcrmadness · 4 years

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I was writing elsewhere about why I don’t relate to he most common Asperger’s traits and why do I think I have a logic explanation to everything they think makes me an asperger, and the text got so long I might as well just copypaste some of that on here:

It's also so hard to find any good list of Asperger’s symptoms because almost every list says "may or may not be like this", and I definitely am missing the core symptoms of Asperger's and autism. I only relate to those symptoms that are present in both, Asperger's/autism AND adhd, and then to symptoms found in ADD but not only in Asperger's/autism.

I also lack anything from childhood that makes a kid a typical autistic kid. And many things that I share with autistic people I can already explain with other things like my personality, e.g.:

I don't like people because I'm an introvert, not because I'm not neurotypical; and I'm aroace which is why my interests are more important to me than human relationships.

I don't look people in the eye because I am highly sensitive person and an introvert. I also have lots of traumas from other people which makes me act like that because I still basically expect people to start shouting at me or something out of blue, so I'm sometimes acting the same way as a dog that has been beaten too many times and can no longer trust humans.

And this can be easily seen as weird and antisocial when I'm looking at the walls and ceiling and everything else but the person I'm talking to, it just helps me concentrate when I can stare at something that gives my eyes things to do. I'd probably be counting people's nose hair and get distracted by that if I stared at them.

Being stared at overall makes me highly uncomfortable because of being an introvert and HSP.

And me being sensitive to things is also a HSP thing + migraine.

The overstimulation and sensory overload I feel because of HSP is different to those with autism. I have a filter, I can stand that into certain levels but the filters fills up faster than non-HS people’s and then I just start seeing and hearing everything. I’ve understood that people with autism don’t have this kind of filter and when they go to places with lots of stimuli happening all around, they can’t take it the second it happens. In my case I can stand it even when the filter is full but if I don’t get peace soon, I usually get irritated and eventually end up with a headache.

I just wish they would give me an opportunity to explain why I think what I think and didn't just suggest medications for this and that. I mean this psychiatrist already was talking about meds and how he could suggest me a anxiety medication and how "some medications do cause the feelings to go numb, unfortunately". Me on my ANTIDEPRESSANTS was like having depression without melancholy. I couldn’t focus even that little I now can.

How did I end up with an Asperger’s diagnosis, then? I think it’s all just a misunderstanding and professionals understanding my words the wrong way and focusing too much on how I’m on the outside rather than actually paying attention on what I say is happening inside my head. So far I've got social anxiety and generalized anxiety disorder on paper. With the latter I've been living since early childhood and I got the diagnosis when I was 28. And when I went to a psychiatrist last time with this anxiety shit (I was 22), I was desperately looking for a diagnosis with anxiety and what did I get? I got told I can't get therapy if I don't eat medications because "it does not work without meds and we don't have any resources for that", and only when I actually was so mad I finally stood up for myself and said "I'm not going to put any kind of pill into my mouth ever again so f this is all about medications, I guess we're done here." and was already ready to leave and that's when the doctor was a bit baffled and I swear she sounded a bit annoyed when she asked what would have I wanted from therapy, then.

They did not take me seriously, they saw just the social phobia that I told millions of times not being the problem. Me not leaving the house because I was so afraid of accidentally having low blood sugar was not social phobia. I wasn't afraid of people stealing my blood sugar you know??? But they thought I needed group therapy and it was the only solution and there I could also get therapy, even tho I told them I don't like forced socializing and I don't want to go there. They still booked me an appointment with people from that group therapy thing and I legit felt like we'd have sat in that meeting room for days until I'd say "okay I will try it". It literally was just them trying to talk me over to try it. And I went to this thing a couple of times until I messaged them that it's not my thing, I'm not coming there anymore and that's why they cut contact with me because I didn't accept the offered therapy method. And afterwards I went to see my information on the website with medical information and nearly fell of the chair because it said I had been diagnosed with Asperger's. With my mom we actually came to the conclusion it’s because they needed some kind of diagnosis to be done in order to get in that group therapy but I am still stuck with this stupid diagnosis that no doctor now is willing to take away! I'm sure my stubborn behaviour and "I don't like people in places like these" was what made the psychiatrist think it must be Asperger's. They were and still are only worried about people not being able to be a part of the society and an individual has to change instead of trying to make the society better place to live for everyone.

The previous doctor I had for 5 years (ages 17-22), at that time my dad was going to Asperger tests a few times and we all were certain that he has Asperger's too but nope, he doesn't. And at that time we all were also interested in knowing if I have Asperger's and I asked about it from that doctor and he immediately said nope, he doesn't think I have that at all. I also was to neuropsychiatric tests when I was 22 and there were some things, mainly about social skills and emotions and feelings and my "obsessive-compulsive" behaviour they thought supported the Asperger's. My explanations again: Social anxiety. I have problems with emotions because my dad has anger issues and I only lately realized I'm afraid to let all the feels come out because I'm afraid of losing control and accidentally hurting myself, someone else or breaking something. And I don't want that, I need to be in control of myself at all times. I also find it hard to cry because I feel like I can't cry hard enough, I should literally cry my eyes out for it to be efficient. When I thik about anger, I think I just see in my head how my dad reacts to it and I don't want to be like that. So I keep it all in and only way to let it out is by channeling it into something else, like writing, drawing or playing video games. (This is a HSP thing but could also be ADHD thing.) I have the results of the and everything they say about me understanding social cues wrong... I think that's it, they think I don't understand them when it's just because of the heavy bullying that made me unable to trust anything other people do or say. I'm actually good at reading people, I don't have trouble understanding people's facial expressions. I myself don't really use facial expressions because it's a self-defense mechanism, I'm not "allowed" to let people see how I feel. Also social anxiety made me really think i was the center of the world and everyone who laughed, was laughing at me, and combined with bullying, I felt like everyone was talking about behind my back and I just felt so hated because it WAS the truth, but I also was sure that also people who don't know me, do that. So me misunderstanding social cues and those were not typical Asperger's but just caused by bullying and being hated by everyone, and excessive loneliness which sometimes felt like I was going crazy and started having voices in my head because I just needed to have a conversation. I still sometimes think friendships work like they did when I was a teenager because that was the last time I've had an actual friend group or even actual friends. I mean friends who I can actually meet with. Only one of those people is still in my life and we live about 2km from each other but still we meet like 1-2 times a year because we always keep talking about how we need to meet and then don't meet. Rest of my friends I know through internet and I’d so much want to meet but can’t and I can only try and guess how I’d work in situation where I’d be in the same room with them because I no longer remember how that even works. That’s how lonely I am because I can’t get to use social skills outside of the internet that much like, ever. I also had to do lots of learning with social situations when I got over the worst parts of social anxiety, it prevented me from learning things you learn as a teenager because I'd enter panic mode when someone talked to me and then spent the rest of the day analyzing it and wishing I was in control and did something differently. Same thing happened with the antidepressants, 5 years of my life without emotions and feelings. They were taken away when I was 17 and then I got them back when I quit the meds and was 22 and suddenly I should have needed to know how to deal with adult emotions.

So, long story short, bullying left me with inability to read other people CORRECTLY but that does not mean I wouldn’t be able to read people. Nowadays I don’t do the mistakes that much anymore, I sense people’s emotions very easily and I mirror people. I might be weird but it’s not because I would act weird or use weird, inapproprite facial expressions. I enjoy being weird so when I do that, it’s usually because of my sense of humour just not matching with other people’s. But there’s still people who DO understand it, it’s they usually just are not neurotypical.

#mcrmadness' random stuff #mcrmadness' deep thoughts

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i-dreamed-i-had-a-son · 4 years

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Thoughts on that (formerly?) annoying episode

Star Trek Season 1 Episode 24, This Side of Paradise, is (was) a frustrating episode for me. Spock, who up until this point has never explicitly shown romantic interest in anyone, falls in love with a girl. Not naturally though--no, he is drugged, and begs, on the ground, in agony, for her to stop the effects of the drug. When he finally gives in, then he appears to be free, but we know that he is certainly not himself.

Bones and Jim notice this as well, while talking to Spock over communicator, and Bones is immediately concerned, thinking Spock might be in trouble. What is Spock up to? He's chilling out with his girl.

It had really really really bothered me, though, that when all is said and done, and Spock has gone back to normal, and he is asked about what he has to say about his experience, he says, "For the first time in my life, I was happy." This was super frustrating and hurtful for me, because I relate to Spock's lack of romantic interest very deeply. (I perceive him to be aroace, but other interpretations are, of course, valid.) Is he really saying that all the good times he's had on the Enterprise, all the moments he's shared with Jim and Bones--all the companionship he has found in them isn't enough? That he has never been happy? That he needed to find a girl before he could be? What does that say about someone like me, who is aroace?

It especially bothered me because Spock only explicitly expresses romantic feelings when he is fundamentally not himself, and he recognizes this as well. (This post is already long, so I'll skip the details, but if you're curious, let me know.) Something deep and intrinsic about him is changed, and then he expresses romantic feelings--which further convinces me that he is aromantic. So why was he repeatedly subjected to this invasive altering of his identity? Was he not sufficient as he was? It felt humiliating to watch him behave in ways I knew he would never behave when he was himself. And it definitely felt like the producers were pushing him into a relationship to "fix him" and show his "human side".

But then I looked at it deeper, and I realized that maybe that's not what was going on at all.

While it is likely that a heteronormative message was intended, part of art is its interpretation, and I am choosing to internalize the other narrative that I see. And before we get going, a warning (if you haven't gotten it already): this is a long post. I'm on mobile and can't figure out how to make a "read more".

Firstly, I will say that aside from the romantic element, the episode had very good moments. Especially when Kirk confronts Spock, and you can tell that Spock is holding himself back, and doesn't want to believe that Jim means what he's saying, and he's utterly shocked that Jim would ever say something like that--and particularly that he uses the word "half-breed". (Spock, in an earlier episode, had actually told Jim that it disturbs him to hear that word from someone so close to him...essentially, he admitted that it hurts him. Jim hadn't outright said that he wouldn't use the word again, but it was clear that he knew the damage it could cause and that he had only used it as a last resort.)

But it gets more interesting when we consider what Spock actually responds to, and what he avoids. Firstly, he responds to that word, which he even tries to make into a Spock-version of a joke ("While the term 'half-breed' may be partially accurate..."), using defensive humor instead of addressing his feelings about it. The other thing he responds to, which is the only thing he actually directly answers, is Jim's taunts about his parents. Equally notable is that he didn't respond to any taunts about his relationship with Leila (the girl) that had insinuated he was unable to truly love her. Jim makes several attacks on this front, calling Spock a "carcass," a "computer," a shell of someone "pretending to be a man". "Does she know what she's getting, Spock?!" Jim yells at him. Spock says nothing.

Here's the punch in the gut: Spock only responds to things he believes are wrong.

Spock fights back when Jim maligns his parents, he responds to anything that is factually incorrect. He responds to the word "half-breed" by calling it "partially accurate"--implying he believes it to not be fully apt, but equally, implying that it does have some truth in it...and when it comes to the other personal statements Jim makes, he is silent. He doesn't believe he has enough evidence to dispute Jim's outrageous claims--because a part of him believes it himself.

Not only does this offer insight into Spock's insecurities, it also supports my view of Spock as someone who doesn't have those romantic feelings. Spock hasn't lost his memory while under the influence of the spores, nor does he lose it after their effects are removed; he knows who he really is and how he really behaves. There is a part of him that is freed by being expressive, and that part mostly focuses on appreciating the beauty in things. He comments on how beautiful the clouds are, and rainbows--and yes, perhaps he finds Leila beautiful, but I think he does so from a purely aesthetic and (shall I say it?) scientific stance. He likes feeling free to admire and experience the beauty of things, her included. But deep down, he knows what he's feeling for Leila isn't really love.

He might even like the sensation of kissing her, but not because of any romantic feelings--rather, because it is so clearly and intimately linked with being known, being understood, being trusted; not just from a physical perspective, but (especially for the touch-telepathic Vulcans), an emotional one. That is what truly appeals to him.

Spock feels freed because his usual inhibitions are gone (forcibly battered down, but we'll say gone). So he swings around on a tree branch and does other equally wacky things, and he kisses someone and speaks causally and comments on the beauty of life. He wants to experience the things he's never let himself experience before, because he feels at home; he is accepted, and that frees him. But he knows, deep down, that the freed "Spock" is fundamentally different from the one we've come to know, the one Jim and Bones know, the one on the Enterprise.

That's why he doesn't disagree with Jim when he starts attacking Spock's ability to love. He knows he can't. He knows this freedom, really, is false--and he knows how it came about. Not by a choice of his own, but one forced on him. Nevertheless, he is desperately attached to one particular aspect of that freedom. Just look at what he says as soon as the effects are broken.

First, he says to Jim, "You did that to me on purpose." An interesting choice of words, that belies his now emotionless facade. "You did that to me" acknowledges there was something inflicted on you that you did not want...in a way, that statement alone is Spock's guarded way of saying, "That hurt me. And you knew it would hurt me. I could not believe you would do such a thing...but now, I begin to understand..." And honestly, his face says the same thing. He's shaken up, he looks a little dazed; he's trying to reframe what happened--Jim didn't suddenly hate him for being how he was, it was a calculated move, meant to help him. But, it was clear that Jim didn't want Spock to stay that way. There was a Spock Jim knew, and he wanted (and needed) him back. The "freed" part of Spock needed to be repressed again, or at least that's how Spock saw it.

Think I'm way off base? Listen to what he says next:

"I don't belong anymore."

The entire episode, there's been a repeated mentioning of "understanding", of "being one of us"--but Spock is the only one that calls being affected by the spores "belonging". (Even if he wasn't the only one, it wouldn't detract from the importance of that statement.) His entire life, he has desperately wanted to be loved, known, accepted, and to feel at home, and he never had been able to be fully himself. He was always keeping a part of himself under wraps--not a romantic part, but a sentimental, emotional, free-spirited one. On Omicron Ceti III, Spock was finally able to express that part of himself and find only acceptance for it. Even though he knew the truth of why he was able to do that, he loved being loved and accepted so much that he couldn't bear to give it up.

He even begged Jim to stay with him--and you know what he said the spores offered? "There is belonging...and love..." (The theme of belonging returns again.) And is that a surprise? Unconditional love and acceptance, a sense of belonging--of course Spock would treasure those things; he has been searching for them his whole life! And of course he would want to share them with Jim too; even aside from the spores influencing everyone to infect each other, he is clearly more able to express his fondness for Jim, since during the entire time Spock is affected by the spores, he never once calls him Captain--only "Jim". He has always wanted this closeness, this openness, and he finally found it. It's no wonder that he seemed so heartbroken when Jim broke the spell of the spores--that feeling of belonging, despite how much he treasures the people on the Enterprise, was gone. Not for any lack of care from Jim or Bones or anyone else, but because he had never been able to accept himself before. If the spores hadn't forced him to, he never would have; now that they were gone, he found that he could not do so again.

When he says to Leila, as she realizes that he does not love her and has gone back to being who he really is, "If there are self-made purgatories, we all must live in them. Mine can be no worse than any other," he is not saying "I can't love you because I'll be going away on this ship and that wouldn't be logical." He's saying, "I know a lot of how I am, my refusal to express certain things, stems from how I see myself." In a way, his purgatory is indeed self-made. I don't believe this applies to his romantic feelings, or lack of them--they are not a decision--but instead to the freedom that came with accepting who he is.

And that is why the final line of the episode no longer bothers me. Jim gently nudges him by saying, "We still haven't heard much from you about Omicron Ceti III," and Spock replies, "I haven't much to say about it," pauses, and says,

"Only that...for the first time in my life, I was happy."

I had originally thought that he was saying he was happy because he had "found love", but now I see what he was really saying.

For the briefest of instants, he felt what it was like to love himself.

#spock #star trek #star trek tos #jim kirk #meta #aromantic spock #asexual spock #my meta posts #quality meta seal of approval #kay can i just catch my breath for a second

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arotaro · 5 years

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Hey, I wanted to post sort of my Official Stance™ on this ridiculous new allo aro discourse. After talking it out with a few lovely aroace friends of mine, I’ve come to realize that a lot of the problems are a result of miscommunication. I am directing this post at aroaces with the hopes of helping to clear up confusion and hurt feelings. This may include topics that are sensitive to you. Rest assured that I mean no ill will, and if you want to help stop community infighting, I really recommend you try to read this. Please try to set aside your emotions and listen. I will do my part to try not to speak in anger.

As an allo aro who has kinda been at the forefront of this whole shebang, I’m going to try to break it down as simply as I can, from what I understand. In a nutshell:

Allo aros often feel excluded and pushed to the edges of the community, because of the fact that the aro community sort of grew from the ace community and has yet to pass that “baby’s first steps outside” phase. Aro is often taken to mean aroace by default, aro representation as a whole is often conflated with aroace representation, and many aro events- although it is important to recognize our shared history with the ace community- cling to this too much, making them aroace events first, aro events second, despite disclaimers that allo aros are welcome too.

This obviously is not terribly inclusive towards us, especially those of us who may have been personally hurt by the ace community.

Many allo aros are particularly upset that the Carnival of Aros, a big event meant to be for the whole aro community, started off with a theme about relations between the aro community and the ace community. Once again this puts aroaces in the spotlight, and made many of us allo aros who have been hurt by the ace community feel very shut out, as we don’t feel comfortable being honest about our opinions on the matter. When this caused obvious backlash, TAAAP, the organizers of the carnival, primarily responded not with “You’re right, we messed up, and we’re sorry. We’ll try to do better in the future,” but with justifications as to why they felt it was ok to hurt us. And, often, when we say this isn’t good enough, supporters of the carnival take this as an excuse to tell us we have no right to complain. (I’ve also been told that apparently, this issue was predicted and brought up to the organizers before the event even started, and they basically elected to ignore that critique, so... 🤔 But that’s a story for another day.)

Essentially, what most allo aros want right now is just more representation and acknowledgement. Many of us have begun calling for a separation of the aro community from the ace community- Meaning, we want the aro community to truly be the aro community first, aro-(insert sexual orientation here) community second, with no specific group getting more focus or prioritization over others. We just want to stop being considered second class aros.

However, many aroaces seem to be taking this to mean that:

We hate all aces. (That’d be like saying every time we complain about allos, that we hate all alloromantics. Not true!)

We hate you, specifically, as an individual.

We want to completely excommunicate asexuals, and make it so that nobody can ever talk about being ace in the aro community.

We want to separate from the aro community because we hate aroaces, or we want to kick aroaces out of the community (see previous points).

None of these things are true! All we want is equal prioritization. Saying that we want to exclude aroaces by calling for a separation from the ace community is like saying that separation of church and state means no government officials can ever have religions, or talk about those religions. Believe me when I say: the last thing we want to do is divide the aro community. It’s small enough as it is. We’re the ones upset about being excluded, it’d hardly make sense to react to this with a decision to exclude others instead.

However, because this is the way many aroaces are interpreting our discussions, it’s led to some painful backlash against us. We are often told that we’re being unfair to aroaces, that we’re dividing the community, hurting others, etc., or worse- that we owe the ace community, that we would be nowhere without them, that we should be thanking all aroaces for our very existence. That we owe the ace community, the community that has hurt many of us, a tangible debt. It’s basically become impossible to talk about allo aro issues without someone coming along to say, “Not all aces, you bigots!”

Because of the way aroaces often respond to our discussions, many of us feel silenced. We feel that it’s not ok for us to talk about our feelings or our needs as a community with other aros, be it because of a simple “aroaces will get mad about it”, or either due to genuine guilt because, yes, believe it or not we do care about our aroace friends and we genuinely don’t want to hurt anyone. This feeling of not being able to talk freely has led to discussion of creating separate allo aro spaces where we can do so, but this is a problem because a. talking among ourselves about problems we face in the greater community will do no good, we need aroaces to listen, and b. this often results in us being told we’re dividing the community, which loops right back around to start the whole process over again.

Whether intentional or not, aroaces have always been at the forefront of the aro community. You have the loudest voices. This is not at all to say that aroaces are privileged! We both face different issues, but they’re all very real and very unfortunate, and we should be working together to help each other solve them. However, many of the most influential aro blogs are run by aroace bloggers, and that’s... Not good when those bloggers decide to paint us as the villains. Even if you say you support allo aros as well, think about what kind of message it puts out when you talk about this issue as if we’re the root of all evil, the ones (gasp) dividing the community, the ones who are demanding too much, the ones who are somehow forcing people to choose between one community or the other. Allo aros are a very lost group as it is, being unable to turn to alloromantic communities or the asexual community for support; Seeing prominent aro bloggers talk about us in a way that gives the impression that we’re bad for talking about our feelings does not make us feel welcome. I personally feel like I can’t trust many aroace bloggers anymore, including a few of my friends. (If you’ve spoken to me directly about this issue and talked about it in depth, it’s not you. If you haven’t... Yes, it may be you. I’m sorry.)

Please, please slow down and listen to us. Please be mindful of the things you say publicly, and the power some of you hold as influential aro bloggers. I promise you none of us have anything against you, and none of us want to divide this community. We just want our voices to be heard. It’s time for influential aroaces to start making amends for the hurt they’ve caused us, even if that hurt has not been intentional.

As one last note, I will say this: It’s absolutely understandable to be upset by this discourse. It’s ok to be hurt. Nobody can control their feelings. But I think it’s important for aroaces to reflect on why they feel hurt. Why is it that, when we say “Your community has hurt us, we wish it would stop,” this upsets you? Why is your reaction not “I’m sorry; What can I do to help?”, but rather, “Oh yeah, well YOU’RE hurting ME by saying that, so you shouldn’t talk anymore!”? Your hurt is real and important, but I think it could help to identify where that hurt is actually coming from. Reflect on what, specifically, you are feeling, and try to separate that feeling from what’s actually going on.

#Aro stuff #Long post #I hope this makes sense #And yeah big thanks to the people who talked this out with me ily #It's been really hard to have this discussion because it feels like aroaces aren't willing to listen #Like we can't talk to them because whenever we do they just react in anger and don't look at what we're actually trying to say #I hope this post can help communicate what it IS we're trying to say so this whole nonsense can stop

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stargazing-enby · 5 years

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I don't know who else to ask so I hope you don't mind. How do I know if I am asexual or if I'm just weird, and unlovable, or unable to like another person, or if I'm something in between?

Hello, nonnie ❤️ first of all, I’m sorry that you’re struggling and I absolutely don’t mind that you came to me for advice. I don’t know how good my reply will be but I’ll try as best I can! (and sorry I took so long to reply!)

I’d like to start by saying that there are two things I’m not going to tell you. One of them is that you’re asexual, and the other one is that you’re not. Or, more specifically: I’m not gonna say that you must be ace, nor that you can’t. Because the thing is — many people feel broken and unlovable because of their asexuality, but just as many ace people don’t feel that way. In a similar way, there are many reasons one can feel broken and unlovable; it can be because of a mental illnesses, trauma, bullying, low self-esteem… and I’m sure my examples are just scratching the surface. Moreover, people’s sexualities can be affected by external factors! For example, my girlfriend is ace, she doesn’t feel sexual attraction at all; but she is sex positive and very comfortable with the idea of sex. I, on the other hand, am allosexual (not ace) and feel sexual attraction, but I’m not so comfortable with the idea of sex right now because of my history of trauma. All these are possibilities, too!

I can’t know which is your case, but I can try to give you some tips to figure it out.

First, a few posts on the experience of being ace/aroace:

https://chronicintrovert.tumblr.com/post/187222323876/hey-are-you-comfortable-sharing-how-you-found-out

https://fuckyeahasexual.tumblr.com/post/187220802349/about-being-asexual-and-sex-favorable

https://artdecielle.tumblr.com/post/187558921431/hello-i-know-this-might-be-too-personal-so-i

https://snapdragon76.tumblr.com/post/187541276060/a-little-thang-about-me

And now, a few questions that may help you figure yourself out a little bit. (You don’t have to answer these in my inbox or anything, although if you want further advice you’re welcome to do it! They’re just to try and give you some guidance.)

- The voice that says you’re unlovable—where does it come from? Is it related to the fact you feel different from the people around you when they talk about their crushes, about how they view and experience sexuality, or does it come from a different place?

- Does a feeling in particular come to mind when you think of “sexual attraction”? One of the posts above mentions that if you have to ask what exactly it is, you’ve probably never experienced it. It’s also possible that you have, but only to someone really close to you, or only very rarely! Asexuality is a spectrum, we shouldn’t forget about that.

- The above question but for romantic attraction, too. You mention not being able to like another person, but there are many ways to like a person 😊 you could be aromantic, aroace…

- If you’ve ever kissed anyone, how did that make you feel? This isn’t a definitive guide, but most ace and aro people I know have told me they really don’t like kissing, or do like it based on how close they are to the person! My girlfriend was in love with me when we first kissed and she didn’t like it for a long time; she does now, because she feels it as any other form of intimacy, like cuddling or bumping noses.

- And last, but not least—how does the possibility of identifying as ace or aro make you feel? Labels are there to help us, but they’re not mandatory! You could try the label out and see how it makes you feel :)

I hope I helped somewhat! But in the end, you’re the only one who can know what you are and what labels (if any) feel good for you. Whatever that may be—hope it makes you happy!

#rockmarina answers #Anonymous #Asexuality #Ace #Mental health #Trauma mention #Aroace #Low self esteem #Lgbtq+#Questioning #Not sure how else to tag this #Also not sure my reply is gonna help but I tried my best #Also open to concrit from any ace person who might see this #Because after all we always have something new to learn and I might have said something wrong without meaning to #So yep #Also ask me for more tags if you need them!

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glarehand · 4 years

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ranting a bit here bc as little as i interact w/ the rp community, largely due to focus issues, depression, and anxiety, i really do appreciate my mutuals, especially in light of being in different fandoms where things’ve happened and i just. Angery

so under the cut is a funny? irritating? text-wall about some star wars related stuff i’m bothered by lol

1. shipping; i like shipping. it’s fun, it’s interesting, i get to explore things in fiction that i don’t want to as strongly or at all irl as an aroace person, etc. first problem; i ship the clones bc i viewed them as, well, clones. an aggrandized version of that buzzfeed poll abt fucking clones, if u will. i view them as “brothers” in a wartime/militaristic sense because they’re... they’re clones. they’re the same person a million times that post-cloning, sought out ways to enhance their originality (tattoos, interests, etc) past their voices, abilities, personalities, and so on. they have originality but that isn’t compromised by their existence as people based off the same template.

some people interpret them as literal brothers which is fine too! i only consider jango fett the father of boba fett/boba fett the son of jango fett, despite boba also being a clone. especially in mandalorian culture, adoption is as valid as blood, and boba fett’s relationship to jango fett absolutely strengthens this but it’s unique in that jango adopts one son/views the clones as the jedi army separate from himself and his son/dies without having any particular association with them.

but still, regardless, i can understand why people interpret them that way and i don’t have a problem with it and enjoy peoples’ differing interpretations. but when someone mentions that shipping the clones is undeniably incest (disregarding that cloning = incest is not by any means something that can be overlapped from fiction to real life so easily? it’s sci-fi so we also shouldn’t be seeking out real life parallels to things nor considering those parallels so hard proven?) it’s like... can you shut up for two seconds LOL like it... they’re... i don’t know how to explain to you that trying to draw hard lines between things unique to sci-fi and things in real life doesn’t work as flawlessly as that. if so, we could easily turn any other media into sci-fi or any sci-fi content into slice-of-life, deciding that of course the clones would be a million literal brothers and lightsabers would be 1000 degree knives and half the aliens would just be animals- like that’s stupid and disregarding the uniqueness of the media (though i adore aus- this isn’t a dig at aus or canon divergence bc that’s literally all i do)

and outside of some specific posts i’ve seen abt this, a groupchat i was in mentioned no rule abt this or any other ship related issues, meaning that i was existing inside the chat but with this heinous feeling secret? like i felt i either had to out myself for something someone else had decided was wrong or continue existing in the chat but not get too close to anyone, out of fear of a friendship being suddenly terminated over something as foolish as character interpretation (which can and should exist separately, at once).

in addition to the internal shipping/not shipping the clones debate, was clone/jedi shipping, preferred ships, and what this means in regards to what was left in terms of shipping options, if that was something someone wanted to engage in (which i do, and that they did as well)

2. for clone/jedi shipping, i understand the possible issues of a power imbalance or how the relationships are portrayed in media-only. but at the same time and as is mentioned above, we have to suspend our belief a bit for fiction, especially with sci-fi. the militaristic/war aspect of star wars is the point of that media; it doesn’t seek to glorify or mimic real life roles (ahsoka is a general at 14, amongst other things; that in particular allows for kids to feel like they’re part of the show, like they could do be a jedi and save people at age 14, because what would be the fucking point of it if we showed only adults saving the world/14 year olds with only 14 year old responsibilities? to an extent, it’s an escape and while it’s odd writing to hold ahsoka to the standards of mace, obiwan, even anakin, it should at least be a fantastical opportunity for self-insertion/daydreaming to an extent) it has a strong focus on rebellion which can be applied in non-physical/non-warlike ways, and isn’t without the fictitious aspect of fucking laser swords and telekinetic manipulation. the wartime aspects of star wars don’t need to be followed as closely as real life regulations and expectations; if done that way, even leia and han as a ship would involve a power dynamic seeing as he technically becomes a part of the rebellion under her leadership.

in terms of 3. show-only content and the above about power imbalances, that’s what fanfiction is for. in general and in relation to that chat, full of creators and writers and so on, fanfic is for elaborating on given content, filling in content that hasn’t been given, and for rewriting things you feel have been done wrong, artistically or just because you don’t like it. an example for me is barriss offee’s arc and timeline; not only does her timeline in the prequels differ from her timeline in the clone wars show but her character seemed to be thrown away so easily, her actions made out of character in addition to her fate being the opposite of what it had been in “higher” canon. there’s also the very valid interpretation of how bad it was that the show made the muslim-coded character a terrorist BUT even disregarding people’s headcanons of her as a muslim woman and just focusing on it in a sci-fi sense, it seemed very out of character, done just to create an antagonist and an opportunity for ahsoka’s development and disillusionment with the jedi/council so of course people gravitate to rewriting her arc/redoing her character/adhering to a mix of the canons, and so on. not that people who view canon as the most important aspect of a work are wrong but like, even fanfic that adheres to canon is in a way diverging from it; if what someone creates isn’t exactly how it happened on screen, canon-compliant, involves no ulterior emotions or added scenes, it’s based on interpretation.

people who invest themselves in ships that have no basis (4) were also mentioned and that’s just as valid a part of creating. i understand in some cases, people will ship anyone together knowingly or unknowingly to fetishize gay relationships but it’s not a sin to decide you want to see two characters interacting more or want to elaborate on what canon didn’t discuss or want to create backstories and relationships out of the blue OR just outright decide you have two favorite characters and want to explore them together, even in just an nsfw sense.

so being anti clone/clone, anti jedi/clone, and anti any characters that don’t really interact is not only dictating what ships are “right” and “wrong” based on one’s own interpretation and willingness to strictly adhere to canon but what other options are you giving us to ship the clones???

again, not that nonromantic story aspects and single character discussion isn’t important but romance and romance options are important to people and if presented and possible, people shouldn’t be prevented from doing it just because people think it’s wrong with no legitimate basis OR don’t allow people to warp canon (especially canon they don’t like or think is contradictory and out of character) to suit what they wish to explore.

there was one option left though and i dislike the new association i have in my head of it now because of all the problems above, though i assume it wasn’t done on purpose: 5. disregarding in-show shipping possibilities for self inserts

i love self inserts and my love for them has been amplified by the chat i was in, making me feel more confident in doing it myself and i am very happy with that in that i can have more love for myself in writing myself and shipping myself with someone else. but it was odd that all other possibilities were almost struck down in favor of self inserts; if cloneshipping was automatically incest, disregarding that that’s not the conclusion everyone had come to? that my brain just didn’t assume it because it’s a sci-fi only situation?, jedi/clone ships were unhealthy and based off of power imbalances/characters not truly caring for one another, and shipping characters together for the fun of it had no value as characters apparently had to know one another enough/there had to be validity in it, the only option left was to rewrite canon but only for one’s own purposes, valid only in this one case.

that just annoyed my mildly and i know it most likely wasn’t intentional but overall, i’ve felt unable to have headcanons or do certain things at the risk of being visibly mocked for it; having different faves and ships and interpretations and kinks are all parts of people’s varying fandom experiences and to have people talking about how much they don’t like that on a very visible separate discord channel where i could go in and see? and just hope that something i adored wasn’t next? is not fun at all and genuinely impacted me to where i don’t really want to have fun with people i’d liked before, where i don’t really want to post and create like i was doing when i didn’t know people were deciding based on preferences what was morally appropriate.

one of the rules in the chat was essentially that anyone could have any fave character but that discourse still stood; yes but sometimes i just want to like a character or ship? without having to preface it with how i know x thing was bad and that i don’t condone it.

kain highwind is my favorite final fantasy character- i don’t want to have to justify my love for him, in situations where i know he was in the wrong and in situations where i think the canon content contradicted other canon descriptions of him, creating two images of who they wanted him to be; i interpret him as i interpret him and it’s unique and dear to me.

a lot of the time, i want to create and appreciate without having to make it right for someone else’s interpretation. i don’t want to approach a groupchat or even single person friendship assuming i’m going to have to defend my favorites as ultimately a representation of myself. when i do hold my favorites close to me as extensions of me, i don’t want to have to pit myself against someone else as if i’m invalid for how i feel and interpret and am.

in general, things quickly became not fun at all and i felt alienated by an entire group all at once. like it fucking SUCKS to feel like you’ve lost 6? potential friends in one place, 3 in another, in addition to having to be wary from now on when engaging with anyone else in that fandom and after losing two friends in real life over disagreements, both times because i was misinterpreted and had to then reconsider myself especially in relation to my mental illnesses and my neurodivergency. to then feel disliked for something as stupid as shipping preferences feels as it is- foolish and embarrassing and ridiculous.

i would like to make friends but i would like for friendships in fandom to stop being so circumstantial, especially on trivial things

#misc #personal post lol #i lost where i was partway thru i think so i'm sorry if it stops makign sense but i am frustrated lol #i'm mostly over it now but i #it feels weird to like see ppl i wanna talk to but feeling like i'm not allowed to bc of something this fucking dumb

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penguin-writes-books · 5 years

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DIRECTOR’S CUT THAT DAMNED UNIVERSE. -L

Spoilers!That Damned Universe was heavily inspired by a couple of books I once read, and I think it has a lot of meaning that goes under the radar of a lot of people, instead being registered subconsciously (the whole point of my writing, frankly). Here’s a ridiculously in-depth rundown of each chapter, from the writer’s point of view.Chapter 1The first chapter was meant to introduce the storyline, and show some exposition. Lincoln Academy was named after my elementary school, and is structured in a ridiculously unconventional manner, given the strong academic drive of the academy. We find out quickly that Cyrus, TJ, Andi, and Buffy all room in Stanford Dormitory along with the rest of the freshman class, and Amber is in Halsey. Halsey was named after my favorite building of the college in my hometown, while Stanford was after the university, where Cyrus would end up going to major in psychology if TDU extended that far.I put Cyrus on the fourth floor and Andi and Buffy on the second for the sole purpose of creating conversational periods between characters as they go between one another’s rooms or to and from classes. This set up the framework for TJ and Cyrus’ first kiss later on.I intentionally wrote Cyrus to react to his arrival at Lincoln with minimal homesickness for two reasons. The first, of course, is that Cyrus grew up with four incredibly overbearing but well-meaning parents, and he is eager to take a deep breath. The second is that Cyrus, as all characters and people must be, is a psychologically complex character, and his immediate lack of emotional displacement comes from that fact. He’s so overwhelmed upon arriving at Lincoln that he doesn’t have the time to catch his breath, let alone miss his parents.Finally, the last line. TJ almost immediately tells Cyrus he finds him fascinating upon meeting him, which feels almost rushed, but was planned to feel as such. TJ’s first impression of Cyrus is so sudden and rushed because he immediately likes Cyrus, and isn’t quite sure how to express his emotions, so he naturally does his best to make Cyrus happy.Chapter 2The first line of the second chapter (Cyrus woke to his alarm, going off at exactly 5:55 am, as it always had - Cyrus was sure it always would.) is a representation of how Cyrus follows a schedule in his life that doesn’t change, and he assumes it never will. However, in chapter 6, he doesn’t wake to his alarm, because he’d fallen asleep with TJ the night before. This was coded to imply that TJ teaches Cyrus to let himself be human and have a little more fun.Cyrus wakes to TJ gone, because I wanted to show TJ’s elusive nature early on in the story, then introduce his character a little bit later. His leaving confuses and intrigues Cyrus, effectively prompting him to get to know TJ better.He spends an exorbitant amount of type getting ready on the first day of school, which was to further cement the notion that he’s a touch over-specific in all areas of his life, especially when he’s in a new, unfamiliar, or stressful environment (Lincoln Academy just so happens to be all three).Their odd choice of cereal (both Rice Krispies and Cap'n Crunch) is a little reference to Gilmore Girls, in which Paris and Rory both make interesting and unique cereal and milk mixtures on a couple of occasions.Cyrus’s offhanded comment that TJ hates the universe is not only the root of the title, but a slight character development from TJ, giving him a human characteristic. This at the very least proves that Cyrus and TJ had a conversation of substance the night before, and had learned more than trivial things about one another.Andi and Buffy lightheartedly making fun of him for his taste in unobtainable athletes was meant to allude to his crush on Jonah back home, and to show that he’d grown more comfortable with his sexuality since coming out to them.Lincoln’s class periods are 40 minutes, with a 20-minute break between. This seems absurd at first, but later we’ll find that classes constantly run lat, justifying the minor absurdity.Cyrus and TJ’s conversation between 5th and 6th period is meant to show their friendship and the way Cyrus affects TJ in a positive way. They joke back and forth naturally, complimenting one another and letting the conversation carry without trying too hard.Chapter 3This chapter follows my own change and interpretation of actual things from Andi Mack, turning some of my favorite pieces of the show in relation to Tyrus into my own plotlines. The first is, of course, TJ’s acrimony towards Buffy. In the show, this is expressed as jealousy of her basketball skills, whereas I chose to change it into jealousy of her close relationship with Cyrus. TJ immediately leaving when Cyrus and Buffy walk into the dorm room is meant to further stabilize the notion that TJ thinks she and Cyrus are together, though at this point it hasn’t been confirmed.Buffy and Cyrus getting into a fight over his feelings for TJ shows that Cyrus isn’t ready to admit how he feels. This also allows for TJ and Cyrus to become closer when Cyrus can’t turn to Andi and Buffy for constant friendship.Cyrus’s conversation with TJ in the library is interesting, as the second TJ finds out that Cyrus and Buffy aren’t dating, the conversation lightens. They’re then able to have a conversation that moves along without the weight of their mutual awkwardness resting on it. Their academic banter throughout the conversation was meant to show that TJ and Cyrus were both highly academically minded, despite showing that trait in very different ways.Cyrus being unable to stop himself from asking if TJ is okay shows two things about him and his relationship with TJ. The first is that Cyrus is the type of person who cannot refrain from helping others. He shows unconditional empathy for others, and those he loves are never free from his well-meaning comfort. The second thing this shows is that he has grown so comfortable with TJ in under 24 hours that he’s willing to risk stepping possibly outside of his boundaries as an acquaintance/friend to ensure that TJ is going to be alright.

Chapter 4

All of Cyrus’s teachers (Mr. Marlow, Madame Aguillard, Mr. Stile, Mrs. Elliot, Ms. Anderson, Mr. Smith, Mrs. Barnett, Mrs. Bailey) are slight variations of teachers I’ve had this year or last, most of which teach the same subjects I had them for.This chapter has one last interpretation of a classic detail from Andi Mack - the muffin. Their exchange of sandwich for chocolate-chocolate chip muffin proves that they’re friends, and care about one another enough to insist they have their favorite foods.I chose for them to play a game of 20 questions as a way to reveal exposition without stating their backgrounds, interests, and hobbies point-blank. This also allowed me to build their relationship through verbal learning.Marty being the friend who accidentally outed TJ let me introduce him to the story, and having him, Amber, Buffy and Andi rush into TJ and Cyrus’s room let me introduce them to one another. Amber and Andi’s quickness to flirt with one another showed that TJ and Amber inadvertently learned about love in the same way - they both grew up learning from their parents that those you love can leave quickly. Thus, they both picked up a habit of quickly establishing a close relationship with those they’re attracted to before they leave.Chapter 5 Cyrus wakes with a terrible headache the next day (and jokes with TJ about being hungover) because of the yelling and conflict the night before. I put this aspect in for two main reasons. One is, of course, showing that Cyrus can’t stand conflict, and is consistently trying to resolve it. The second reason I put this bit into the story is so that I could allow TJ to minorly comfort Cyrus in a platonic (but romantically intentioned) manner.Cyrus quickly saving TJ from having to out himself to Buffy and Andi was a move that I wrote in to show Cyrus’s growing ability to cut into conversations and protect those he loves, as taught to him by TJ.The small scene of TJ and Cyrus studying together exhibits the lighthearted, carefree side of their relationship that I thought was very important to introduce at some point in the story.The romantic tension between Cyrus and TJ as the former helps TJ with his compass foreshadows their awkward encounter following their first kiss later on. When it ultimately built to them falling asleep holding pinkies, that was meant to show that they were each aware of their feelings for the other, but reluctant to show them.Chapter 6When Cyrus and TJ wake up the next morning, they’re curled around one another, and it causes intense romantic tension between the pair as they go about starting the day. This ends when they go back and forth in a short exchange of ‘I wasn’t’ and 'well neither was I’. TJ tries to kiss Cyrus, but they’re interrupted by a phone call. This signifies the awkward, fumbling nature of the relationship, especially as they go to help Andi. Their acknowledgment of the awkwardness between them is a huge step in their relationship, which ultimately leads to their first kiss.Their argument in the stairwell being the lead up to their kiss was a choice I made because in the heat of an argument, emotions are heightened. This was important for the scene to work, as if they hadn’t been arguing, neither would have the courage to kiss the other.Final ChapterI had Cyrus start the seventh chapter regretting his kiss with TJ to drive the plot. This forced TJ and him to have an actual conversation about what exactly their relationship was at the end of the chapter.Honestly, there were only two reasons I made Buffy aroace. First, I’m ace and I wanted representation, so I took the opportunity when it arose. Second, I wanted to tease you guys with Muffy (anyone paying really close attention to AO3 will have noticed that I tagged TDU as a Marty/Buffy fic, then took away the tag for the last chapter).Cyrus wagering his asking TJ out for Andi doing the same with Amber was a way for me to close the Ambi storyline in a satisfactory way without dedicating an entire chapter exclusively to it.The mini-monologue of Cyrus deciding whether or not to kiss TJ was one I’d been writing in my head since beginning to write TDU, and completed the fic in a way that was so characteristic of my writing that I couldn’t help but throw it in just to make the story feel completely finished.

#andi mack #tyrus #tj kippen #cyrus goodman #that damned universe #ambi

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windwardstar · 7 years

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Odd numbers plz!

(1) How did you feel directly following your diagnosis (including self dx or whenever you were told about your dx)?

“THIS MAKES SO MUCH SENSE” and basically a lot of !!!

(3) Person first language or identity first language? Why?

Already answered

(5) What are your meltdowns like? How do you deal with them?

I’m not really sure that I have meltdowns. I tend to shutdown. Which basically feels like my brain is turning off and powering down and running only on emergency power. Best way for me to deal with it, go to sleep/take a nap. If I can’t do that, zombie osie. Taking a break where I don’t have to move or switch tasks or talk to people is another option when I can’t nap. So like at work, washing the dishes and eating lunch since I can do those on autopilot allows my brain to restart and is also sensory friendly stuff.

(7) Do you ever go nonverbal? Can you “force yourself out of it”?

OH yeah. I’m almost perpetually in a semi-verbal state and slipping into non-verbal is very easy and common for me. Just not talking for a while can leave me non-verbal. It’s really easy for me to forget how to talk. Or for my mouth to stop working.

And yeah, I can “Force” myself out of it at times. At work if I have to answer the phone or headset, the sound of the ringing or whoosh are firmly associated prompts for my scripted greeting. So I can often do the minimum required talking while otherwise being unable to speak.

Humming, then singing songs is another way I’ve found to bring myself up out of being non-verbal (or prevent just falling into it). It’s also my go to method of regulating my breathing since deep breaths things are triggering for me ptsd wise.

When my non-verbalness extends to being able to word at all, in understanding language and in being able to process speech written word and type out words, at that point, I just have to let my brain decide it’s done conserving energy and brings that function back online. (Generally, I have to come out of shutdown.)

(9) Are you an Always Eating Autistic or a Never Ever Eats Autistic?

Both? If I have snack food on hand and it is crunchy/chewy I will be eating it. Probably because I’m an avid chewer for stimming. On the flip side, a lot of food is a sensory no, executive dysfunction makes it difficult to make food, i forget to eat, and i have trouble telling the difference between “I am hungry” and “I have an upset stomach because I am stressed and will throw up if I so much as drink water” So yeah.

(11) Are you LGBT+? Do you think that might be related to being autistic?

Yup. Asexual, aromantic, agender. It definitely has some factor in it. I don’t know about being aroace but I feel very strongly that being autistic greatly impacts how I view gender. (As in I don’t get it. It’s just baffling.)

#actually autistic #autistic asks #ask games #tag for me #disordered eating #langwrites #ask

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