#like ive said and ways say: im very good at coping when i put in the effort

[dr3amofagame]

ctechno was not the nice dude everyone wants him to be

oooh interesting take lmao. im gonna insert a courtesy "c!techno is generally a good person and does good" disclaimer bc like, c!techno is generally a good person that does good and cares about people and gets ridiculous amounts of hates for stupid things all the damn time, for the record, but also ... i cant say i dont get what you mean in part?

i think there's a phenomenon with c!techno sometimes where people can make him either too much of a paragon or strip him of too much agency in a way that's weird to me. i mean like, "he's canonically 3 years old" jokes aside, this guy isn't someone whos just doomed to be taken advantage of everyone unless they "respect his boundaries 🥺🙏" and can't assert himself at all and whatever, yknow? like, he can AND DOES assert himself when he thinks it's necessary. he can AND DOES act like an asshole sometimes!

like c!techno is a full, well-rounded character. he gets too angry sometimes and does shit he regrets. he has to make efforts to change. he has feelings, he gets hurt, he lashes out. he's too dismissive sometimes because he copes with shit through humor. he isn't perfect, and that's ... a good thing? it's a good thing that he's a full well rounded interesting character with flaws. but at the same time, pointing out said flaws and treating them as flaws isn't damnation!

like, for example, right, it's perfectly understandable for him to feel used and betrayed by c!tommy. was he also kinda mean to c!tommy in the aftermath in a way that can be pointed out? i mean. yeah of course! and like, of course he was grieving and hurt and in a lot of emotional pain when c!ranboo died and did that probably play into his attitude towards c!dream post-prison break? absolutely! was stripping a guy that is literally being chased down by his literal torturers and a server of people who want to kill him of his armor and telling him he can keep a weapon For A Favor and then going "awwh we didnt get him to use his necromancy powers :/" absolutely still kind of a generally asshole-y thing to do? i mean, YEAH ???? like, if they werent doing that bc of some kind of plan, that was still kind of a jerk thing to do? in a way that's very understandable, because c!techno is a character that becomes more of a jerk when he's stressed and in emotional turmoil. and this isnt about damning him or condemning him ... but i don't see the point of erasing said moments either.

shrug anyway i think c!techno overall was a pretty damn nice dude and a good guy and im kind of trusting that u dont mean this in the same way as certain c!techno takes ive seen back in the day that felt like crucifying him every time he made a joke that broke the fourth wall aSKFJLasf. c!techno should've been meaner, actually, for the record. and it's so awesome that he put c!sam in a prison and cask of amontillado'd that guy, GOD BLESS

#my asks !! #dsmp hot takes #uhhh idk should i tag c!techno critical ? #ill do it but i dont think im being critical AJKLSFJASL he's a good guy he's also like. a guy and not a perfect paragon #disk horse #c!techno critical

[liveyourlastbreath]

Neil Josten’s adventures in Exy as an (unwilling) Amputee

Okay so this is based on a drawing I did here

I may explore the idea of Andrew dealing with chronic pain later on, but right now I wanted to focus on the idea that at some point on the run, Nathan got too close and Neil lost his leg as a result. SO buhbuhbuh take it and run (Neil couldn’t do that for a while)

Also this is basically gonna be a retelling of AFTG, sticking very closly to the cannon events and dialogue with the difference of Neil missing his leg, just letting you all know!

Okay so how exactly did Neil ‘running is my only coping mechanism’ Josten loose his leg, from just below the knee, down?

his dad 100% chopped that thing off

Ive decided it happened roughly a month after they went on the run. Mary  Janet Kim Laura Hatford Wesninski  was still sloppy with a bleary-eyed ten-year old that still flinched when he fired a gun

Because somewhere between North Dakota and Saskatchewan, Nathan got close enough to be a problem. Huge problem actually, so huge that Nathanial Alex was now in Nathan’s hands and a note had been left with a time and a place

Now, I’m not defending Mary. She wasn’t a good person, she hurt Neil over and over again and shouldn’t really have been a mother in the first place. Like look me in the eyes and tell me she didn’t hesitate when she saw that note. Nathan logically would have already killed him and would just be waiting for Mary to come running and then would fall to his blades as well

But Nathan was smart because constant voicemails on a phone that should have been a burner had a confused and scared Neil asking for his mother

So she went, with some of her own people as backup (thanks Stuart) 

And Nathan was there, with his cronies and slumped over the figure of what was supposed to be her son

Mary wasn’t a good person, she hurt neil and maybe shouldn’t have been a mother. But that doesn’t mean she didn’t care. Because as soon as she saw the bloody and strategically burned stump of what was supposed to be the growing leg of a child, she threw up

Needless to say they got away, barely.

Mary thinks a huge part of her son died that day

Because now Alex and Janet baker were a leg down and they both knew it

they ran faster, Alex learned to hate piggy backs

Stuart sent people to help, people Mary barely trusted, but people who helped Neil learn to stand and walk and run and hide on a barely held together scrap of metal that was supposed to be a leg. 

Janet knew a part of her son died that day. Ten years old and his hands stopped shaking when he fired a gun, ice blue eyes were hidden behind green contacts sharped like his father’s. 

She caught him staring at his leg more than once with a sick smile and beat it off of him. 

Years later Neil Josten limped away from the sea on a cracked prosthetic and was determined to somehow keep going. His father’s stolen money and Stuarts contacts made it easy to get a leg, one that he could hide in public and run in the dark with. 

And then the Foxes showed up

Because of course Neil still played, played better than any of Millport’s, played to his prosthetics advantages and disadvantages 

Neil played like he had everything to lose because he had already lost part of that everything.

Now we get to the good stuff, what changes in the series now that Neil is an amputee? 

There had never been someone in all of professional and college Exy that played on a prosthetic. You had to be completely put together because the game would tear you apart and leave your skin the only thing holding your bones together.

Wymack didn’t give a shit, and neither did Kevin it seemed

In fact, a fool could have even said Kevin was excited to see what Neil could do

Kevin had no idea who Neil was, the leg actually helped Neil in that regard

Also im making it cannon in this au when Andrew hits Neil with the racket, Neil hadn’t properly put his leg on in his panic so the thing goes one way and he goes another 

Very funny image thank you very much

When Neil is figuring out the Andrew and Aaron switch, he uses the leg to his advantage. Because Nicky nor Aaron seem to know about it, and the shocked look on Aaron’s face later when he realizes Neil’s leg is in fact detachable prove his theory right. 

Nicky is incredibly annoying about it, but luckily the black sock over the stump keeps any burn scars and questions at bay

Aaron does ask typical doctor questions out of morbid curiosity, all of which Neil ignores

That first practice, Neil opens his huge locker and freezes. Because amidst the sea of orange and white gear, a travel bag is folded with two, yeah, two, prosthetic legs

both are Transtibial, but while one has a simply pylon and foot, the other is a very expensive blade runner, with grips on the bottom to keep him from slipping and orange detailing that will help him match the team on court

Neil felt as though he may pass out, throw up, or punch Wymack in the face. 

“Part of your contract, kid. We provide you with your equipment. All of it.” Wymack said after the pratice, after he ran laps and laps on his new leg and gave Kevin his game

When Neil blows his arms out against Andrew, Andrew stands on Neil’s leg as well as his racket because why not, its kinda bouncy

Now when the rest of the team comes back, that’s when things get good PART ONE || PART TWO || PART THREE || PART FOUR

#aftg #neil josten #Andrew MinyarD #tfc #Andreil #the foxes #the foxhole court #all for the game #all for the gay #exy #exy is sexy #david wymack #kevin day #butcher of baltimore #neil is an amputee #neil josten can and will throw his leg at you #amputee!neil

[ginnsbaker]

Ginny baby I’m having a mini-crisis

I think I like my best friend and I don’t know how to go about getting rid of this. I’ve known her for 7 years and throughout that time I’ve had two separate occasions where I developed feelings for her, first time not that serious but I can’t say that about the second time. Admittedly the second time I surely panicked briefly but the feelings faded both times, what always followed after was that I’d feel insane for even believing I could feel that way about her in the first place.

BUT now it’s back and I’m in a sort of denial about it? I talked about it with another author here before but we ultimately chalked it down to it just being attraction. Now I’m scared that’s not the case?

Last night I went clubbing with some close friends but I ran into (let’s call her Wanda I guess?) while waiting in the line to get in. Wanda looked so damn good, I’m already shorter than her normally but she’d was in all black wearing her platform shoes along with a skirt and a blouse. Wanda and I are touchy drunks(with other friends too) but the way that we’d been last night had me feeling something. Whenever Wanda and I would talk, we’d lean our bodies closer together and start talking directly into each others ears, her hands finding mine after the start of every sentence- one would assume we were doing that because we couldn’t hear one another but it wasn’t loud and when we’d talk to the people around us we’d stay firmly in place. Wanda went out with three friends and one of them was this guy who I knew liked her, I thoroughly enjoyed the fact that he saw me holding her and talking to her in a way that looked intimate.

I didn’t really think much of it last night cause I’d been focused on having a great time, but now that it’s day I’ve realized all of that really put a different angle to the perspective I once had about what I was feeling and why. I hate it, i want it to go away because I’ll always prioritize maintaining our friendship above anything else, this is not something I’ll ever admit to anybody I know but I guess I’m saying all this because I wanted to ask if you’ve ever been in a similar situation and how did you cope? How did it play out for you?

Somebody once told me it might only be attraction and a gauge that I could use to see if it was is imagining a future with them and I wish they hadn’t said that. I’d genuinely believed it was just attraction but I’ve been thinking about that question all day today, the answer to that question has my heart racing at the imagination of it all, but I swear I’d been indifferent to it when I’d first been asked.

The less I think about it, the more I ignore it, the less it feels real so thanks for letting me rant to you gonna go back to gaslighting myself out of this(SI SE PUEDE). Needed to get all this off my chest. 😮‍💨

omg sorry I was already asleep when this went in.

*wears calliope's hat* before we proceed i have a couple of questions:

how long have you known you're attracted to your bestfriend? was it even before you were friends?

have you been in relationships with other women?

(disclaimer: im not a therapist of any sort im just experienced when it comes to being gay cause ive been gay since i was 2 and now im almost thirty lol)

I'm assuming she's straight? so here's my #1 piece of advice is: NEVER FALL FOR STRAIGHT GIRLS

fine, there might be few instances where falling for straight girls will eventually shake their sexuality and give us a shot, but dude, that very rarely happens. Fics, movies, tv series love to portray them often but in reality.... NO.

Feelings for bestfriends WILL pass. I assure you that. Cause yea, I've been in your shoes. I met my best friend in college during sophomore year, and we were from different groups of friends and I intentionally got to know her because I had a crush on her (turns out later on, she also has a crush on me, but it's the type of crush where she finds me pretty so it's basically straight people crush). She had a boyfriend when we became close/bestfriends and I was hang up on her for two years before the feelings finally went away.

Now she's married, and she's still my bestfriend and everytime I think about the past where I was very attracted to her, I'd laugh.

I coped by just letting it run its course. And definitely being interested in someone else helps. Go out there, meet new people, get to know new people. You have the luxury of using a dating app without being judged for it (in the 2010s that's not the case).

Again, whenever possible: DO NOT FALL FOR STRAIGHT GIRLS

The less I think about it, the more I ignore it, the less it feels real so thanks for letting me rant to you gonna go back to gaslighting myself out of this(SI SE PUEDE). - Dude, keep thinking about it. exhaust yourself. go through the drama and the wonderful feeling of being attracted to somebody. it's all part of life. accept that you have feelings for her and then decide: 1- if you want to pursue it 2- if you want to let it pass.

I decided not to pursue it because she's really straight despite the fact that she's touchy and back in college, i'm the only one she'd ever sleep in her apartment and we kissed like 1-2 times on the lips (yes straight girls dont mind)

But in the future, lemme repeat: DO NOT FALL FOR STRAIGHT GIRLS

#asks #anon #ginn's advice column #lol not really

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

auggggggh ive been wanting to make this post for an eternity but i havent been able to because I keep trying to explain myself WELL guess what. Im giving up, heres the song Wenn ich tanzen will from Elisabeth: das Musical with english translations, does it not make you think of what if Feysand was interesting

If you dont wanna watch the whole thing for some reason, I'd like to highlight this part

Fly!

I'll fly alone!

I alone want to accompany you through night and storm

I don't want to be accompanied anymore

Not even by you — I won't let myself be led

You're free only through me

Only through me

Only for me

For me!

For you shall make the way for me

I'm going my own way now

I've seperated myself from you — Leave me alone!

You've fallen in love with me

Because there's no freedom without me

And no one can understand you except for me!

Oh and also this part (theyre kinda singing over each other at this point)

I'm strong enough on my own!

You were only strong as long as you still thought that you were weak

I'm not calling for you!

You will call for me!

I'm not seeking you out!

You will seek me out!

I'm beginning to love my life!

Soon you will hate it!

Okay, I actually lied at the start of this post, I am gonna try to explain myself. My ideal not-boring version of Feysand that I think of when I listen to this song is like. Okay so, the structure of the story is fundamentally the same (except it takes place over a wayyyy longer timespan) with Feyre initially just kinda going about her new life as a traumatized fae and Rhysand coming to pick her up once a month, which ends up helping her because the SC manorhouse is kind of just covered in a bunch of depressing ooze rn (figuratively) and she cant really leave and Rhysand is basically giving her an excuse to hang out in a place without ooze, so its easier for her to have a good time. Rhysand is kinda awkward around her initially because hes basically like "ohhhhhh shit oh fuck, the woman that I tortured UTM as a fucked up way of coping with what Amarantha was doing to is my soulmate!!" because i really hate the fact that Rhysand apparently already knew about her and dreamt about her before she was even fae, it shouldve snapped in place for both of them during that little scene at the end of ACOTAR but Feyre has no concept of how a mating bond is supposed to feel like so shes just kinda like "huh, that felt kinda weird. anyway"

(this inexplicably got very long. like, 6 more paragraphs long. so much for me not explaining myself)

So yeah, Rhysand is hardcore struggling trying to figure out how to win her over despite all of the torture, but fortunately for him all she wants is to be left alone, so he does that, no putting her in unecessary danger and no asking insane favors of her even though theyve only been hanging out for like two weeks. Idrk how, but at some point they would start to get closer, this all happens very slowly, its a true slow-burn. And then one day Tamlin is like "I cant stand it, I need to find a way to break this bargain" so he collects a bunch of guys and he tells Feyre that theyre gonna go out and travel through all of Prythian and maybe even beyond in order to find a way to do it and itll probably take them atleast a few months. And then when Feyre says she wants to come along because this is about her after all, hes like "no, its dangerous and also, if Im gone then the Spring Court is gonna needs its Lady" and then he puts the shield around the manor because yeah, Im keeping Tamlin shitty in this one, sorry. This is about me trying to make Feysand good but trying to figure that out with Tamlin being in-character is too complicated for me rn so Im just gonna stick to the character assassination (thats something SJM probably also said while writing ACOMAF)

So yeah, like in canon, Mor gets her outta there and then Feyre starts permanently staying the night court except shes not going out on political errands because of the war with Hybern because honestly, this whole war plot is so stupid and it feels so unecessary like cmon Sarah girlie, I can tell youre not actually interested in writing politics, just stick to the romance and the healing journey. Anyway, during her stay she inadvertantly starts spending more time with Rhysand and realizing that he suffered too and that hes only human or fae or something like that, which helps her deal with her UTM trauma because she kinda thought of him as the embodiment of all her new trauma, so seeing that hes really not that and that hes just a person that she can make peace with helps her

Rhys is falling head over heels for Feyre because she just reminds him SO much of Cassian while Feyre is kinda conflicted but starting to develop some affection for him, and again, this happens over the course of many many months instead of just two. And after all that time, Feyre is starting feel pretty good and she doesnt really wanna go back to the spring court if shes totally honest with herself and then oops, Tamlin's back! He finds her and hes super worried like "oh my cauldron, feyre, my servants told me he just kidnapped you and they couldnt find a way to free you!! but Im here now and Im taking you back home dont worry" and Feyre feels guilty and shes basically like "yeahhhhh this was totally necessary, I definitely wanna go back... home, its just that he exploited this loophole in the bargain so had to stay here. Totally against my will, oh no it was so bad" and Tamlin tells her not to worry, theyve found a way to break they just need to get back to the spring court so they do that

At the Spring Court, Feyre gets to thinking. She thinks shes basically completely defeated her trauma by hanging out with Rhysand and shes like "well, my trauma was pretty much the main thing that made mine and Tamlins relationship not work, so now that my trauma is gone its gonna be all smooth sailing from here" and she just willfully ignores the fact that his way of coping with his UTM trauma was suffocating her and making it impossible to deal with her own issues and when she pointed it out to him he had a panic attack about it. Also, at this point it kinda hits her that shes been spending all this time with Tamlins enemy and feeling this affection for him that she hasnt really felt for Tamlin ever since theyve been back from UTM and their relationship started getting really bad, so now she feels very guilty and wants to rush into a marriage with him after all. Also, maybe by this point shes revovered enough to take a step back and start focusing on her surroundings again instead of just herself, and she realises that the people of the Spring Court would really need this kind of big celebration after this long time of turmoil and suffering, so maybe that plays into her decision to marry Tamlin as well idk

Meanwhile, Rhysand is back at the night court absolutely CONVINCED that Feyre is gonna come back to him even without the bargain or atleast send him a message or something, because of the mating bond and because by this point he thinks that Feyre loves him back, she just hasnt said it because Tamlin interrupted them or whatever. Yknow, because Feyre stopped throwing shoes at him and started to tolerate his presence somewhat, which are obviously the surefire signs that someone is in love with you. But anyway, Feyre never does get back to him because shes busy with her wedding and also trying very hard not think about either Rhysand or Tamlin too much so she doesnt simply run out into the forest to avoid dealing with all this bullshit

So yeah, Rhysand finds out about Feyre marrying Tamlin and he gets very upset and so he winnows to the Spring Court on the day of the wedding. Feyre has just been dressed up in this gorgeous pastel pink and green pantssuit (thats very important for the story) and now Ianthe is leaving her alone for a bit before the grand wedding ceremony. At this point Rhysand comes in and they have a confrontation thats basically just the song except in dialogue-form, remember when this post was about a song I really like, yeah me neither. During this confrontation I really want Rhysand to bring up the mating bond and kinda throw it in her face and I want Feyre to basically respond "oh, so now the guy who always preached about giving me choices and not letting others decide for me is gonna get on my case for not doing what some god wants from me, gtfo" and thats basically how it ends. Then the next book is the book where Feyre hay to make the choice between Tamlin and Rhysand because its a romance series at the end of the day, so even though I would like the last book to just be Feyre ending up single and going on her own adventures, I recognize that thats not a great ending for a romance series so

I wanna end this off by saying that I was trying to only focus on the romance for this because its easier, if I were to write my ideal acotar sequel it would look different than this even if I used the original acomaf as a base. So yeah, thats it hope you enjoyed my 7am ramblings, I have been awake for three hours already writing this

#miscellaneous acotar thoughts #acotar rewrite #anti acomaf #Youtube

[ghost-proofbaby]

ghost!!! i am sobbing weeping crying omg twenty four hours is coming to an end and it is so very bittersweet. i found 24hrs on ao3 and stayed up until three am binging it, then immediately went and followed you on tumblr, and ive been keeping track of it ever since. im not very good a tumblr since i only started using the app for fanfic last october, and i am one of those people that sometimes is ashamed of being a fangirl, so it’s almost unbelievable to me that i have a space where no one will know it’s me and i can enjoy whatever i want. im still trying to adjust to that, tell myself that it’s okay to repost fanfics and that this is a safe space. but twenty four hours has helped me with a LOT of that. before i used to kinda be ashamed to go on tumblr, but now i scroll it daily bcs i didn’t want to miss any updates on the fic. i also made the plunge and officially got an ao3 account, after oh about, seven or eight years of reading fan fiction practically non stop. so im getting there, and i just wanted you to know that twenty four hours helped me to get there.

and i think the main reason that twenty four hours has helped me get there is because of the quality of your writing. you write beautifully, intricately, and most of all—truthfully. ive never read an x reader that has felt so real, so fleshed out and most of all, relatable. i would find myself having internal monologue as i read from the ‘reader’s’ perspective and then the next paragraph would, sometimes word for word, have ‘reader’ think what i was thinking. this fic was also so healing, in a way. the way you used literary devices to describe such complicated situations had me often feeling relieved—like i had just let something go. as someone with a lot of baggage right now and who has a hard time believing they could ever be loved, it was at the very least comforting to have my insecurities and my negative qualities forgiven and proven untrue through ‘reader’ if that makes sense.

ik this is sappy as hell but i genuinely feel this way. your writing has moved me in a way that actual published books haven’t done for me in a while. so i just want to thank you for the time, effort, and thought that went into this fic. and secondly, i want to suggest the idea of adapting this into a novel to be published or a screenplay for a movie, in case no one has mentioned that to you or you haven’t thought of it. i really believe you have something good here, and with your talent, i could see you being very successful. this story of these two people—who both have internal wounds inflicted on themselves, each other, or from the past—who then grow more self aware and choose to be honest, even when it’s hard, is such a rare thing to see in literature or any kind of art. and i think the world needs more of that. bcs, like i said, this fic was more than just a fic to me. it touched me deeply. i cried, i laughed, and i reflected my own self. in short, it was a journey in more ways than one.

so thank you—for your art, for ‘reader’, and for eddie. i can’t wait for the epilogue and to read whatever stories you may have planned for the future.

<3

(ps so sorry to have word vomited in your ask box.)

first and foremost — never apologize for word vomit in my ask box. i am always a-okay with that. 🖤

i don’t even know what to say. i have this terrible habit of putting a lot more of myself than i care to admit into both my readers and my ocs, and most of the time, it’s not the good parts. usually, it’s the absolute worst parts of myself. i take all the rot inside, and i throw it into these projections, and i try to justify how someone with those qualities would still be deserving of love. it’s always been a coping mechanism. always. and then i’ve always strived to be a better writer, make my words worth reading, because i know how much of myself i’ve put into it.

to know other people see themselves in reader or eddie or any character i write is both so strangely hopeful but also so saddening, and it just makes me want to give you the biggest hug 🫂

on the note of publishing, i have definitely considered it. it’s just a really scary journey to decide to take. but the day i do decide to take the plunge, whether with this story or any other i’ve written or any entirely new one, you all will be the first to know 🖤🖤🖤

thank you so so much for reading, for letting my writing touch your soul the way it has. i am so honored that this fic has had this type of affect on you. this message genuinely made me cry. i am sending you all the love. <3

#it’s that one poem by suzanne rivecca #‘it has to be perfect. it has to be irreproachable in every way.’ #’why?’ #’to make up for it. to make up for the fact that it’s me.’ #in all seriousness this message made me ugly sob #i’ve got no words #thank u ily

[whatifwekilledgodandwebothgirls]

Personally I hate when they refer to sex as an "adult" activity. Like you don't think minors get horny?? People are out here going through puberty at 8-12 years old man

Im gonna ramble for a bit about this so yeah sorry its just a great question and what age should people have sex is a very hot topic in ky life rn so ill ramble about it .Yeah actually the peak time to have sex is 14-15 , right when your beginning to become actually sentient and have actual feeling but youre still young enought to be short of lost and for it to be explorative and for ypu to not totally know what ypure doing . The way i see it peoples teenage years are their free trial of adulthood , so they should try all things that are typical for adulthood, yk like getting more responsibility , being more independent, falling in love , having sex , really agressively hating people , having rivalries , making decisions, while still being free to do it wrong and fuck it up . Its the time when youre supposed to reaserce and figure out what you like and how you like it , so youll be ready to be a part of society and short of know what type of person you want to be . Its like the fucking demo or the tutorial before the real game . Youre not supposed to go into adulhood fully realised without putting the work in to find yourself . Well teenagehood is when you find yourself . Some fucking philosopher wrote about this but i forgot . He said that the youth are like bees , collecting nectar from all the flowers so that latter when its time to get the nectar back to their hive theyll know which is sweetest or something like that .

That being said , when youre still young youre very very very stupid , so when young people try to have sex it goes BADLY especially when their having sex with someone older . People are so shitty and so fucking mean and cruel and when your still a kid and dont have the coping mechanisms to deal with it you tend to get fucked up mentally . I cannot begin to describe just how many horror storries ive heard of girls saying that their boyfriend did awful and cruel things to them and because it was their first relationship or because the were to young to know its not normal they went with it . Girls being to young and insecure LIKE ALL TEENS ARE and letting people use them simply because their either too shy and unsure and frightened to say no , not old enough to have learned about feminsm and about supporting their rights and sticking up for themselves, or just so desperate to have their body validated because again , they are unstable teenagers that hatethemselves like all teenagers do . On the other hand , ive heard of so many girls and guys and people , myself included , being fucking detestable and downright hurtfull because all our fucking hormones arent stablied and we have moodswings all the time and all our emotions are dialed up too 10000 .

Anyway , teenagers and kid are gonna have sex because its biologically natural . In theory its a good idea but in practice it litterally never goes well . I PERSONALY think that in a perfect world people would have sex at 15 , but its not a perfect world and people are fucking terrible so again in my PERSONAL opinion its best to wait till your somewhat resposible for yourself . Did i wait till i was responsible for myself fuck no but i mean i probably should have

#ive heard so many horror stories dude its insane #idk kf any of that made sense

[skadream]

Rudy's Book Reviews: You Will Get Through This Night by Daniel Howell

yeah thats right im gonna be a phannie on main for a second. this is the start of my book review series which i hope to actually folow through with lol. this one ive been listening to as an audiobook but i do have the physical copy as well cuz im like that! next review will hopefully be gideon the ninth so tune in for that, but for now, read this review under the cut:

this book is a practical mental health guide, honestly a lot of it is stuff that you can learn in therapy so like if you have a therapist that you like then maybe its not worth it BUT theres like slim pickins for mental health books that arent just anecdotal evidence without actually talking about what people did to help them get better, just "yea i was sad but then i got therapy ✌️" or books that are so couched in psychiatric jargon its hard for a layperson to get into OR just vaguely inspiring bullshit.

its all written with the help of an actual licensed psychologist person, so no bullshit, no just do yoga and drink water shit (although obviously exercise and hydration and physical health are talked about) and yes he mentions medication and LICENSED therapy if those end up being necessary steps to take with your mental health!!! which again, in the world of self help type books, tends to be rare advice which is DEPRESSING IN A DIFFERENT WAY LMAO.

ofc it should go without saying that a book can never be a replacement for therapy but Considering How The World Is, this book is good for like maybe stepping into learning some coping skills as well as figuring out a plan before, during, and after crisis mode. i would say the tone is more serious than humorous but dan puts a lot of his own natural snarky sarcasm stink all over this book which obv that can be a taste thing if youre not into brit sarcasm mode but as a One Of Those i like it lol

in terms of Dan And Phil™️-isms, theres a sprinkling of cute winks and nods and inside jokes that people who drew sharpie cat whiskers on their faces as teens would understand but Normies will not find to be out of place or anything, there's also some storytimes of like his previous tours or living as a dropout youtuber being stress-inducing and things like that but not a ton which i kinda prefer cuz it makes it easier for me to recommend this book to people who dont give a shit about Phandom Memes

theres an introduction which is kind of a short summary of who dan is, basically just summarizing his youtube videos talking about depression and when he came out as queer and all that fun stuff, if youre a psycho hardcore fan person like me you might find it to be a long and unnecessary read, but if youre someone who didnt know about this guy and are curious as to why he would even write a book like this its a pretty good synopsis.

the american cover has dan's stupid face on it, and as someone who is a big fan of dan's stupid beautiful face, i wish we had the EU version with like tasteful yellow stripes on it bc it looks so nice, but i mean i just keep it on my bookshelf with the spine showing which is just a nice yellow spine with the title and looks unassuming so its not THAT big a deal lmaoo.

in terms of the audiobook, dan's voice is quite soothing and there's all these like audio cues and fitting music which i really like. the only downside is, for example, he reads out this timed breathing exercise that is meant to be like a five minute exercise, but it's not actually timed? so like i want to do the breathing exercises along with him reading it out but he reads it so fast its kinda like bro slow down you said breathe in for five seconds why you going ahead two seconds later homie. thats my only criticism i think obv if you are reading it and not listening you can just do the exercises by timing yourself lol.

ummmm idk if im gonna give a number at the end of these reviews!!! i give this book a big thumbs up!! 👍 woohoo yeah baby i am very proud of dan's current life journey thing that he's going on and i think this is a great book for people who need help which is everyone alive today right now :)

#rudyreviews

[someone-called-efg]

before this happens again i decided to draw what i saw and experienced a little over a month ago so incase anyone has anything similar theyre not alone at least, and if its some kinda 'only me' thing, than at least it's documented.

i dont really know what kinda tw to put for this, but assume anything given its about a near death experience

so, back just before valentine's day, a demon somehow ended up in my bedroom. me, wanting to prove im not a coward, did exactly that, and firmly declared my beliefs in the being who created all (for the sake of the post im gonna call said entity god) and its not a lie, even from a young age ive been a strong believer even to the point of getting in trouble for it (i.e. getting in trouble for calling out hypocrisy and trying to do something about it despite being the only one to try) and while my faith has had a lapse when i was a teen, it since got resparked. so, adamantly that the idea of having no faith seems bazar to me.

so, all this to say, when the demon was in my room, it knew i wouldnt give up my faith.

however, one thing ive said on occasion to family is that i dont fear death, and thats still true to an extent. sure, ive had near death experiences before, but ive always been of the opinion that as long as youre right with god than you have no reason to fear dying. and imo that just means not being an asshole.

so, the demon found out i genuinely dont have any fear of death or dying and decided to try to call a bluff that wasnt even there. so, with all its might, it killed me

this is roughly what i believe it looked like, as it gave off this sense of dread i ccouldnt really shake off when in its presence. (yes, the stick figure is meant to be me for size comparison) everything else beside the thousands of mouths was a void. the mouths glowed an inviting white, but as you see, when i got closer, it lead to a void like pit that was its true mouth, rows upon rows of pointed teeth jutting to the center that only got darker and darker the closer i looked.

then, something happened in my mind that even i cant put into words, because quite frankly, even i dont understand what happened in between everything

then everything went from being in a dark void, to this

an angel came and was so bright i only know its this kind because how many eyes were there. i had to convince the angel that i would be able to cope with being alive after that day, and i was allowed to come back on account that i see a priest and a therapist. (and something i thought was strange to mention that: if you bleed on something, you yourself have to burn it) another part of the agreement was that i post on my socials about the encounter, and while i had done that previously, i figured making as comprehensible of a post as possible now that ive had a bit of time to process it all would be a good idea

so as you can all tell, this it getting very triggering for me.

the week or so that followed that night could be comparable to a personal hell, as any time i wasnt around any human, i would be tormented by the demon in ways that i cant even mention out of fear of t.o.s. as they tried as much as possible to keep me in my room as if to keep me hostage

until one day when i broke down to my mom

she got me holy water from the church and i proceeded to sprinkle it all over while praying as best i could

but since that night ive felt like the worst hypocrite of them all. since i was little i had wished to die, in fact, as a child i had no intention of making it to my double digits, and yet, here i am. and when i was nearly out the door, for some reason i decided to stay.

anyways, even though i went around with holy water and prayer, my bedroom hasnt felt safe, and ive been sleeping in the living room since. because being without privacy means no personal hell. so i see it as a win in my books.

throughout all this, ive seen my faith as this small campfire, and any attack against my faith as gusts of wind that i keep having to protect the flame from so it doesn't get blown out.

#personal vent #vent #death #religion #demon? maybe #angel #say what you want but i know what i went through

[fromyourmomwithlove]

Your Fish Died on Tuesday

This isn't the way I thought id start writing to you, but here we are... you're 4 years old now, and your beta fish died.. you called (FaceTimed) me from your dads house, totally distraught. I'd spent all day supporting M and his best friends through the death of one of their best friends. I was surrounded by pain all day, by the immeasurable weight of grief for those around me. Your dad giggled a bit through your despair over your dead beta fish, my heart broke for you...when I see you in pain, I often think Im not built for motherhood. I understand why parents can chuckle a bit at a loss that's so small in the grand scheme of things but your pain, in any amount, can bring me to pieces. I understand that pain is part of life, I understand that it shapes us as humans and that being human is beautiful and yet.., I struggle to cope with your humanness. When you cried it was the same as the cries of everyone around me that day..struggling to grasp the "WHY" of his death, and understanding the permanence of it. You're 4 years old now... and you've already experienced the loss of your great grandmother, your grandfather, your dog and your cat but this fish... it was the first time I could tell you understood that being dead meant he was really gone. Your dad flushed your fish down the toilet,.. I wish he wouldn't have. I wish i'd had the opportunity to put him in a box for you, and bury him.. because to you, he was as precious as any other living being..I should have been there, I should have been able to hold you, and tell you I know it hurts right now, but the pain will change with time and it will be okay but I couldn't, I was miles away and id had a few beers at the celebration of life I'd just attended. I know to most it seemed like "just a fish" and I knew in the moment and I understand now that you'll be okay.. but I can't help but regret that I couldn't be there..I said the words and I did my best through video chat but it wasn't what it should've been.. and I guess that's what brings me here at 3:30am the day after your fish died. All of this to scream to the void that I'm struggling. Im struggling being away from you half of the time. Ive struggled with motherhood since the day you were born, it has been very tough for me at times as it is for most, yet being away from you half of the time goes against every fiber of my being. Coparenting feels like torture to me, many think I chose this but I hope someday you'll understand that walking away from your dad was the hardest and most painful decision of my life. We had the most beautiful life, it was hard at times like anyones life but it was beautiful and it felt like it was on the verge of blooming into the life we'd dreamt since we were teenagers. Due to what happened, I was left with very little choice, if any at all and while I know there's many that could never truly understand, I hope you grow to understand I made the choice I know is best for you, for all of us in the long run.

There's a lot I want to say, but given the circumstances of the last few days, before anything else I need to say these few things.

I love you

I love you more than I ever thought I could love another human being. Though I don't enjoy every moment of being a mom, I enjoy every moment of being YOUR mom because in any moment, good or bad, I get to be your mom and I am grateful for that...for however long I get to be your mom on this earth I am grateful, and when I exit this earth (hopefully before you (sorry that's going to hurt someday).. I will still be your mom. I will follow you through every lifetime as I believe I already have. When I shed this body, my spirit will follow you and I will do everything I can to radiate love from the other side so you know, I'm always here. Hold space and energy for me, okay?

Regarding what happened to your dad and I's relationship...because eventually you will find out, if you haven't already. The greatest comfort in my suffering, is that it allowed your dad to be free.. and for that I am grateful.

I know my writing may be scattered, as my thoughts often are (you'll learn as you grow up lol) but I hope you're able to make sense of it eventually.

Love,

Mom

[iloveyouw]

"the thoughts will go away but regrets stay forever with every actions come consequence it may not hit you right away, but you’ll feel it at the end of the day"

-----------------------------------

"I hope you find better coping mechanisms in life jo, one that isn’t so self destructive.

I hope you find that meaningful validation such as “im proud of you for coming this far despite all the challenges you’ve faced in life” grants you more satisfaction than the meaningless ones you get from disgusting men who have ulterior motives just to get into bed.

I hope that you see despite your past, there will still be someone who will love you for who you are and puts you first over anything in the world & I hope you never ever let them down.

I hope that you find the strength in your new found purpose in life to make good all the wrongs you have made in the past, and be the best version of yourself.

I hope that in spite of everything, that you still love yourself."

-----------------------------------

"i love u too much. and i will never stop. and i really cant see u be this hurt anymore. esp when i thought im trying to help. or my ways of helping is not enough. im sorry. im sorry as the past me and im sorry as the me that fucked u up. i want u in my life forever but i dont think i can do that if u just hurt everyday. i didnt think i was being selfish. i thought in fact i was being "generous", give u pure love, putting u first. but if it hurts u and i still cant let u go. i am being selfish. and i dont want to anymore.

i would love to love u even when ure not mine, i would love to love u when ure mine. but i think its time i stop being unfair for u. i hope we can talk things out in person 1 last time. and i will muster to strength to let u go by then."

-----------------------------------

"Ive been thinking

Wbile candy drushing like

The qns u ask jn

Do u think meth then can forget u

Honestly

I give meth too much credit

But i still think yes

Meth is that powerful

Negating what we had

But w that said

I dont want easy

I want u

I dont want meth

Even if ure gone

I dont want to forget u

But its not bcos of that

But if ure worried if u rly go

Then i will just resort to meth

I dw

Idw to forget u like

How i forget my exes

I rly

Dont have any recollection

Of memories i had w those ppl

Maybe

Recency bias

If ur memories is all i have left

Ill savor it till i die"

-----------------------------------

"

I just wna say regarding ur worry if i wont want u. If i can choose u over meth i will always choose u. U can say w jacob i didnt choose meth. I tell u how it will pan out. We hook up at most at most 2 more times. (Im being generous) And meth will always triumph at the end. And my horrible cycle continues. No one could take its spot. let that be very very clear. NO. ONE. NO👏🏻ONE👏🏻

What i want to add(edited): Im saying anyone could take jacobs spot. But no one could ever take the place meth has in my heart. U did.

It was no one until u. NONE ZERO ABSO FUCKING LUTELY NO ONE

I dont need u to be clear for me. I need u to be clear that u want me to be in this ride with u. In the long run, thru ups thru downs. I need u to be clear when u trust that i know better now. I need u to be clear that theres no turning back from here. And i need u to be clear that i WILL be here despite the odds, through and through, notwithstanding, everyday and with no lament, no complains and no duress(?)."

[badcountryofficial]

Nvm implemented Coping and im feeling bit better

#like ive said and ways say: im very good at coping when i put in the effort #fave shirt...fave socks; fave hoodie #having comfort food for bkfst cos i dont think i could stomach much else MSKDJFNFHJF #but i've made the decision im gonna push thru as best i can and ignore the catastrophizing #which is a Skill im not just I-Do-Not-See-ing it #i love when im able to use skills specifically.. #like sir...favorite clothes and foods? reminding yourself you have no control and just have to let shit happen while being mindful abt it? #ultimately accepting youve done a REALLY good job handling it and now it's outta yr hands? #you sir have won the internet😳💖 #you sir........have won the validation #anyway high fives myself im still sad but less so and we're gonna listen to mag and it's gonna be good #edit: i deleted the sad posts cos they were sad djkfjfjgjgkgkkd #like idk it wouldnt help anything to have them seen flynny #if u need support as for it y'know #i will when i get off work i think

[heymrstargazer]

andreil and exams stress (bc my tests are going on and i need to cope)

so andreil exam season is just.. a time

because andrew's memory infuriates neil to no end

he's watching andrew just casually read through his text books sipping hot cocoa like you fuCKER

meanwhile neil is neck deep in math notes .02 seconds from actually losing it

andrew just looks so relaxed

he always keeps a very level head about that kind of stuff on the outside at least

because of his memory

but he absolutely has random bursts of panic like oH nO what if this random concept ive heard of once is on the final exam

andrew is reading for fun at this point and neil is Done™

fuzzy socks, big hoodie, hot chocolate, cookies he baked an hour before

neil is like if you even look at me i might scream

he's like i need to leave before i kill someone

andrew, five chapters deep into some murder mystery novel: want a cookie?

i'm turning it soft now buckle up

he comes back from studying and andrew has cooked him dinner cause he knows neil won't cook real food for himself right now

and neil is like i am trying to be mad at you

and andrew is like i made your favorite :)

andrew makes neils favorite foods too

(HAHA

look at us

our brain waves have synced i swear)

but yes and andrew cleans off the desk and sets up neils notes and texbooks all nice while hes out for a quick run to clear his head

neil comes back to everything nice and organized and andrew is like come relax you have a hard exam tomorrow and we both know you're prepared

neil is like who possessed you why are you doing this

andrew is like can't i do something nice??

andrew just like im trying to be nice now sit down you ungrateful asshole

he's trying to be soft to help neil with the stress but now he's worried he made it worse

when andrew has his first exam neil walks him to the building and gives him a little good luck kiss on the forehead

he just does it off hand but he accidentally starts a tradition where they give each other forehead kisses for good luck

andrew takes neil to his first exam too and has to get on the steps up to the building to give him a forehead kiss

andrew: not one word josten *forehead kith*

imagine like one of the other foxes were walking past at the same time and he gives them the 'ill murder you if you say anything' look

it's like matt and dan and they both make a big show of looking away

yes they literally put their hands to their eyes to shield their peripheral vision

andrew gives one (1) approving nod

if it was aaron hed just mime throwing up and continue on his way

anyway back to the actual exams neil would get really in the zone studying and andrew would have to have so much self restraint not to bother him

like he wants neil to do well but hes boreddddd

yes he's be so bored after finishing his textbooks

just imagine neil is so focused with his headphones on and andrew is just doing the most random shit behind him

like dramatically flopping on the couch, juggling fruits, launching neils socks he leaves everywhere into the dirty laundry basket

they end up with an entire kitchen full of baked goods

neil turns around to go to the bathroom a few hours later to see andrew standing with like four pans of cookies, brownies, etc on the counter and a mixing bowl in his hand

yes andrew is just fucking around in the other half of the dorm trying to stay out of neil's line of sight

the amount of christmas cookies they end up with during winter exams is insane

neil has never seen so many snowflake sprinkles in one place

he accidentally launches one of the socks onto neils desk and ducks down behind the counter so he doesnt get in trouble for distracting him

neil whips his head around like wtf was that cause he's been so lazer focused

andrew is covered in flour and icing by the end of each day and neil is covered in ink and they both just look at each other like what have we become

also imagine aaron or kevin was standing there while andrew threw said sock and gets it launched back at their head because neil thought they did it

andrew just keeps bringing plates of fresh cookies and cakes and brownies with bowls of fruit and neil is like babe pls stop feeding me for comfort

yes by the end neil has like a tower of plates and bowls hes taken like one bite out of

andrew: >:( but what if you get hungry

neil: drew you could feed the whole campus with this much im fiNE

andrew: but i need to feed yoU

the rest of the foxes watching this happen: can we have some

neil: yes

andrew: nO

neil packs up plates to bring to his and andrew's professors after each exam and they still have enough to last a week of dessert after all three meals

neil is like damn i could have practiced my math problems with these

neil: andrew you're the watermelon guy but with baked goods

also andrew would refuse to give any of the 100 extra plates to the foxes just because hes stubborn

it's the principle of it

those are HIS exam stress baked goods and he can delegate them as he sees fit

if he only gives them to neil that's his business

yeah and he finds out neil gives one of the extra three tier cakes to the girls and is like i can never trust you again

nicky and matt try pulling off a heist at like 3 am

nicky and matt take a one day heist planning break from studying and all it gets them is two barely dodged knives to the sides of their heads

andrew can hear the fridge door open in his sleep

neil, half asleep, feeling the bed move as andrew shuffles around: whats going on? are you okay?

andrew: theres an emergency

andrew: they're after the brownies

no one knows this but neil threw the second knife

andrew drags neil out of bed like quick we need to defend the our most prized possessions

neil: the exy gear??

andrew: the ✨baking✨

neil, jumping out of bed: oh shit

back to exams obviously they both pass (it was totally the forehead kisses) and they spend all of christmas break eating through the various things andrew stock piled

yeah they totally pass

they both did fine

neil probably was like oh thank god i reviewed that one chapter and andrew is like no no it was definitely the strawberry cheesecake

neil is like yes it was babe thank you :)

but it was definitely the review

(orange is @archiveofourfoxes )

#aftg #all for the game #tfc #the foxhole court #andreil #aftg hc #tfc hc #neil josten #andrew minyard

[obxjj]

the way we heal | jj maybank

- pairings: jj maybank x reader

- summary: people deal with trauma in different ways but it seems that jj thinks you don't care about the loss of your friends and deep down himself but he just needs to understand that people heal in their own time and through their own meanings, he just needed to be reassured of it. kinda pre season 2 ep 1 give ot take

- warning(s): really motherfucking angsty and swearing. mention of substance abuse

- wc: 2.2k :))))

a/n: all my fics the pogues and reader are the age 17/18 only because that's more comfortable for me to write. its been a long long time since i have wrote something so sorry for and spelling errors

People tend to deal with trauma differently. It could be resulting to crying you eyes out until you can’t breath and you can’t see through your tears clouding your eyes. Drinking until your liver wants to shut down and you whole body is so numb that yourself and everyone around you is so tuned out that you can’t function. Resulting to drugs to either feel something or not to feel anything at all. Or to have something to blame your actions on from yourself acting out simply because you don’t know how to handle the situation of a friend dying.

See you on the other hand dealt with it internally or the whim and feeling of not accepting death. Maybe it was your subconscious talking wanting you not to accept or maybe it was the gut feeling that you always got telling you that they were actually alive and have survived that storm that ‘supposedly’ had swept them away because “no body was found”.

This ‘gut feeling’ had always been right in many life or death situations. Or even just you picking out an outfit that you were unsure of whether it was going to get the boys attention that you had a crush on. It did indeed get his attention that night because that’s how you ended up loosing your virginity that night but that’s besides the point.

The best way you could describe it was like when people would do personality tests and it would ask “are you controlled by your heart or what you feel” probably not those exact words but you get the point. I felt with my feelings if my gut said yes then it was a yes.

Since the night that John B and Sarah had ‘died’ your gut had been telling you the opposite. That they were in fact not dead. As Big John use to say when you were a kid, you can never kill a Routledge. At the time it seemed like bullshit but now it was starting to grow on you.

However now your two friends were presumed dead and not everyone dealt with trauma like you did. Some would even go as far to say that you didn’t actually give a fuck that your friends were dead because you hadn’t cried or you hadn’t drunk yourself into a state of no return or resulted to smoking weed every single day and spray painted ‘murder’ on Ward Cameron’s estate. But at least Kiara wasn’t lying.

But the thing was you hadn’t cried because you couldn’t, you quite literally hated crying because it made you feel weak. Even if you tried and you tried your hardest but nothing came. At this point you could go as far as denial. This gut feeling was like getting hit by a semi truck every time a thought came into your head questioning maybe they were dead. Maybe they did get swept away at sea and never to return.

Your gut feeling was simply not letting you mourn the loss of John B and Sarah and now everyone thought you were an emotionless bitch. I mean they were right to a point but not the whole point.

So that brought you to current day driving around the Cut and night playing fucking real life Where’s Wally but its Where’s JJ Maybank because he’s blacked out drunk somewhere and now you’re on a rescue mission. Not like you had done enough of those in the last few weeks.

About an hour ago your phone rang and it was JJ asking you to come pick him up since somehow he had now idea where he had ended up and was too far gone to put together his surroundings. Well that’s what you had assumed he said since you had to decipher his slurred words.

At this point you had driven around the whole island and gone to every hid out spot that he would go smoke at or to just get away from everyday life. You had gone to all but one place. Where you avoiding that particular house because it held so many memories, plus the fact you hadn’t been near the place since shit hit rock bottom. Yes? But it was the highest chance that JJ was sitting on that dock with his legs swinging over it with a beer in hand.

Well you were right. As you walked down the old dock to where JJ was sitting it was if you could feel all the emotions, thoughts and disbelief crawling their way up your skin from the ground you were walking on. But that gut feeling was like a wave of fire, burning it all the way back to the ground.

“I don’t know why I just didn’t look here first. I should have known aye” you half heartedly said trying to keep the conversation light since you didn’t know what state JJ was going to be in. From the huff you got in response told you he wasn’t in the mood to talk.

“How much have you had J?” You asked with concern but still trying to keep you voice light and less reprimanding because you knew he was in a too fragile state for you to be angry.

“Does it even matter how much Iv had. I don’t feel shit anymore” he replied back with his words straight forward and sobered.

“Well have you even given yourself a break for your body to sober up for you to even feel the effects of it? Or have you still been going since yesterday when I saw you? J its not going to do shit if you don’t give it a rest for at least a day or so” you said back trying you best to keep you and your voice as calm as possible. You fucking hated seeing JJ like this, you would never say it to his face but fuck it just reminded you of his dad when he got into states like this. Until the last week you had never seen JJ this bad. But could you blame him.

“You just don’t get it do you” JJ was now facing you and by the tone of his voice you had unintentionally struck a nerve that you were actively avoiding. “Why did you even fucking come if you’re just going to tell me how I should cope. Do you even care that JB has gone? He was our best fucking friend. He was my fucking brother my only family! And he’s fucking gone just like his old man. You haven’t even shed a tear y/n. You’re just acting like nothing had happened. Do you even care!” JJ was now on his feet breathing heavily and his jaw so clenched you’re surprised his teeth haven’t broken

“J, please do not yell at me right now” you asked with your voice shaking trying to hold back something that was bubbling at the surface. Was it anger or was it the water works that desperately needed to be let out.

JJ started to walk back up the dock, showing that he was done with this conversation that he could have avoided if he didn’t ask you in the first place to come pick him up. Deep down he knew that you would be the only one to come and get him, he just wasn’t as good at showing his gratefulness due to the alcohol that was numbing him.

“JJ just wait please, please don’t walk away” You stood back up and starting walking after him quick on the backs of his feet. He halted his tracks and turned around to look at you with a pained look in his face, as you got up close you could see his eyes stained red. Either from crying or the linger of weed still in his system.

“What could you possibly want to say y/n. I really thought you would be the last person not to care about this” JJ was now right up in your face and his voice was holding back trying his best not to yell. But that last sentence had taken you back.

“You think I don’t care JJ!” now you starting yelling “of course I give a shit JJ our friends are gone, they are not fucking here. I know it might not seem that I don’t care. But just because I’m not crying my eyes out every hour or drinking myself into a state where I don’t now where the fuck I am or getting high that I spray paint on any wall I see” your breath was now battling to come to the surface because you were talking so fast.

“Just because Im not doing any of those things doesn’t mean I don’t care JJ! People deal with this shit differently and you need to understand that” you breathed out trying to grasp for air again “the thing is JJ I have this annoying gut feeling thats telling me that John B and Sarah are not dead, and its literally preventing me to mourn them. I have convinced myself that they are alive and I can’t fucking mourn non dead people J. I don’t know how to fucking explain it”

“Well why didn’t you just tell us that” he replied after bit letting your whole rant sink into his brain, weaving its way through the alcohol that was clouding it.

“Because JJ! Even saying that out loud I sound fucking crazy, like I’m in a deep pit of denial. The thing is I’m far from denial. Yes I know there is a massive fucking fat chance that they are dead and have been food for the sharks” you exclaimed

“Don’t make it worse y/n” JJ shook his head not very happy with your choice of words

“Okay yeah sorry bad wording. Im sorry” you lowered your head in sorrow wanting to slap yourself in the face for trying to make jokes out of trauma.

“So its not that I don’t care J, trust me I do care. But John B and Sarah are not physically here with us and I cant physically care for them right now. But when we see them can do that”

“Y/n -“ JJ tried to get a word in but you hadn’t finished

“Don’t JJ. We will see them again” you put an emphasis on ‘will’ “I trust my gut and even you know that when I get a gut feeling that it’s always been right. Correct?”

“Yes but -“ he tried to get another word in but you needed him to listen.

“JJ I care about you. I care about Kiara and Pope. You guys are physically here for me to care for. The thing is I haven’t spoken to Kie since she’s with Pope half the time and I have spoken to Pope since he’s with Kid half the time and you? I can’t speak to you because your too far gone in beers to for me to even get a coherent conversation in” This was such an over due conversation to be had, you were now on the verge of hyperventilating. You needed JJ to hear this. Fully sober would have been better but half sober is the best you’re gonna get.

“JJ I understand if that’s how you’re going to deal with all of this but you can’t throw yourself completely away. We need you. I need you JJ. I can’t have you going off the deep end and then we loose you too. You need to be here for when we get John B back. He will need you for when he’s back”. The water works that you had been holding back had finally been released and trust it to be in front of JJ. He was your fucking rock, you couldn’t loose him. No way that would be your last day on earth if that were to happen.

“I-. Im sorry. I’m just so fucking lost y/n. I don’t know what the fuck to do. You’re always at work and Kie and Pope are god knows where. I just want this to go away so fucking bad. All this pain, I feel like I have no one” JJ was now crying to and gripping your waist as is you could float away into the air

“I know JJ, but you have us you have always had us. But you have to be so stubborn sometimes that you won’t let us in and help, you won’t let me in a help you” you had JJ’s face in your hands making him look at you so he knew you meant every single word. “I’m so sorry if you didn’t think I cared and I wasn’t there to help you, I just deal with this shit in a different way. Just like every single other person. We all heal differently and that’s okay. It dosent mean we care less. It doesn’t mean I care less”

Now there you and JJ stand on the dock leading off the chateau both in each others embrace purging the pain that’s both been locked up inside you for so long. The past you and JJ had people really didn’t tend to understand but neither did you. But you would always find your way back to each other at the end of the day. Despite the fights you had in the past and the days you would be at each others throats screaming at each other to the days you would be secretly stealing a glance at him because you just couldn’t help yourself.

You would always be there to help him take the pain away and he was always be there to do the same for you.

#jj maybank x reader #jj maybank x y/n #jj maybank fanfiction #jj maybank #outerbanks #outerbanks fanfic #obx #outerbanks season 2 #jj maybank imagine

[fairycosmos]

i think the concept of trauma dumping is toxic for people who actually have trauma. im at a point in life where im growing and healing, but naturally, i still have urges to talk about past trauma, and the fear of trauma dumping makes me bottle it all up. people will say to talk to a therapist, but every therapist ive ever seen just glorifies and romanticizes my story, they always tell me my trauma makes me unique and they never actually help me work through anything. as someone who has lost a parent, i feel horribly guilty and embarrassed every time i mention that i don’t have a dad because of that trauma dumping stigma. it’s something ive given a lot of thought to. i agree with the last anon; it shouldnt be shameful to talk about trauma unless you’re speaking over others at an irrelevant time. sorry if this reads like a trauma dump lmao.

yeah i hear u! honestly i think the original reasoning behind the phrase "trauma dump" was very valid - normal people are not therapists and it is very triggering and exhausting to be around ppl who treat you like one, and it is a very common trend (esp in online spaces) to put all your baggage on strangers + to weaponize ur pain - BUT all that being said i totally get what you mean and i do agree.

i think that other anon said it well when they said the internet (and subsequently people in real life) just take a phrase and absolutely run with it. now any mention of trauma or going through a hard time can be combatted with "stop trauma dumping, stop being toxic!!" and it's hard to combat that. ppl can just utilize it whenever they feel slightly uncomfortable in conversation which is. not productive. especially people who are supposed to be your friends like hello i thought emotional vulnerability came w our bond. it's not always emotional labour like ppl love to say. i think there's a difference between setting a boundary and just completely shaming someone you're supposed to care about, for mentioning or bringing up the pain they're in. sadly a lot of ppl seem to be majorly blurring that line.

it can make ppl who are dealing with trauma feel so much worse, which can be disastrous for those already at rock bottom. i've felt it a lot myself in regards to witnessing the death of my sister and the loss of her all together - ppl do not want to hear it. even when it's an integral part of why i think or behave a certain way. it can feel really alienating and like u said, it can make the guilt of being "damaged" feel much heavier. idk, it's difficult. i think there's a way to open up that is appropriate for both parties involved and i don't think there's inherent manipulation on either side. i’ve heard people say it's a good idea to simply just check in with ur mates before you vent to/bring up a hard topic to them, to see if they're in the headspace to deal which avoids this weird communication blockage on both ends. but if you're already dealing with a lot, it can really push you to just isolate and spiral, and that is so hard to cope with. i get that entirely.

i think you have every right to mention you don't have a dad when it applies and when it's appropriate irt the company you're in in that moment. it's just knowing when it's relevant and when it's not that distinguishes, same w my sister really. but you're never a bad person for having been through a lot, you know? and i'm truly sorry if anyone has ever made you feel that way, because it's not fair at all. especially after already surviving the most unimaginable heaviness and hardship. i'm also really really sorry about your dad, though i know you're probably tired of hearing it, and i know there's no words for it really. as an even further side note because this pissed me off LOL: your therapists sound completely fucked, it must be so hard to deal with. i can totally relate to not getting the professional support you need. the fact that they have the audacity to romanticize ur pain just makes me so so mad for you god. that's so unproductive and unhelpful and gross. the thing w therapy is that it can take forever to find someone you really click with who can really help you (i'm also still in the long long process of looking for the right one who is affordable, and ik it feels hopeless.) but i urge you to keep reaching out so you have, at least some place, to not bottle things up. at the end of the day, you do deserve support and you deserve to be listened to, no matter what. sending you a huge hug rn. x

#anon #sorry this is a novel. 17 yo fairycosmos vibez

[actualbird]

tot ao3 fic recs part 2: smut edition, n/s//f///w fics ahead obviously

previous tot ao3 fic recs: part 1

been trying to read a bit more in this fandom but oops, lately ive just been camped out in the E rated section, HAHA. anyway, heres some smut fics i REALLY LOVED!!!

-

醉梦酣欢 (drunk-dazed) by Anonymous [marius/vyn]

Vyn gets his turn next… with Rosa. Opposite him, Marius lets out an annoyed huff disguised as a sigh. “When will I get the chance to be with you, jiejie?” Marius whines. “Ignore him,” Vyn offers. He puts out his hand for Rosa to take, which she does – shyly – almost in awe of the way that Vyn is leading her towards the closet. (nxx plays 'seven minutes in heaven', except everyone knocks out before marius and vyn do)

majority of vyn smut has vyn as the dominant one but this one is built different, here vyn is needy and the fic does it SOOOOO WELLLLLLL. fantastic buildup filled with nxx team investigation interactions and then after that mariusvyn rolls around and serves very very good smut (finally, the facefucking content ive been WAITING FOR).

-

honey, i laugh when it sinks in by mimolette [artem/mc]

a pillar i am, upright “Seeing her on top of him was all he needed. Perhaps he had a bit of a masochistic streak himself, but who’s to say? Every time he was on top of her, he would always keep asking her what’s the best position for her to be in, if she’s comfortable, if she feels good, how beautiful she looks, ramblings like that, and while she would dial him back a few times, she never minded him constantly checking. It made her feel special, as she put it once." aka there’s only like one or two other fics of artem getting dommed into the stratosphere, so i had to take matters into my own hands. mc is referred to as rosa for convenience.

ARTEM WING IS SUBMISSIVE AND BREEDABLE!!! this fic is wonderfully hot. artem's pov/internal monolog here is top notch, a great mix of horny and endearing. great smut and also the end made my heart tender...

-

Mirage by kizunas [artem/gn!reader, reader is not mc(rosa)]

He loves with a passion that bleeds into his actions, never his words. You can see it in how he doesn’t make a sound. How he’s seemingly on the cusp, tethering dangerously on the knife’s edge. You’re nothing but a stranger to him and yet he looks at you like you’re the most precious thing in the world. That woman is lucky, you think—to be loved by someone as devastatingly devoted as Artem Wing. Or, a pretty man with a white-collar job takes you back home with him for the night. You certainly don’t regret the experience.

heads up, this fic will hurt a bit if you like artem/mc because here artem...does not get with mc and hes coping with that. by fucking you. and hoo BOYYYY IS IT A FANTASTIC FIC. the smut is phenomenal, a rare artem taking the lead fic i enjoyed, but what really stood out to me in this fic was the outsider pov to artem's character, how hes feeling, how he is as a person. tfw the smut makes me more emo about a character im already emo about. GREAT STUFF.

-

fuck, jiejie, please— by Anonymous [marius/mc or marius/f!reader]

One thing you learned through dating Marius is that he’s insatiable, and always down to fuck. And this week, it was particularly pronounced. OR: Marius doesn't realize that actions come with punishments. Clearly, something needs to be done about that.

MARIUS VON HAGEN IS SUBMISSIVE AND BREEDABLE BUT ALSO SUCH A NEEDY BRAT. theres a bunch of subby!marius fics out there but this one is def one of my faves because marius' character is so clearly the shithead bastard we all know and love. mc or reader here is a wonderfully strict dom here, and everybody else's screentime is delightful

-

the image of love by glassedlillies [vyn/luke]

If their relationship was presented to Vyn in an entirely objective fashion, he would have said these people were undoubtedly in love. (and they are. they're in love. this is undeniable fact.)

filed under smut that made me CRY REAL TEARS KJDSGS. been craving vynluke for a while and HOOOO BOY, THIS FIC FED ME WELL. a heartbreakingly yet simultaneously heartwarming exploration of vyn and luke's relationship, esp how irt to luke feeling as if he isnt worth loving (aka this is the bit that made me cry lol), followed by DELICIOUS SMUT. luke pearce being called puppy, my beloved...

-

ruin me, as you wish by glassedlillies [marius/artem]

On the night of their confession, Artem tells him something. It’s not life changing, or a particularly enthralling revelation — but it is something, and Marius has only one singular reaction to this something. He’s going to ruin Artem.

this fic is an extra scene from a fic i recced in my last fic rec, "a world in which you love me". both fics made me insane about martem in different ways KJBJDFDS. man, this author really excels at scrumptious filthy kinky smut AND the underlying relationship dynamic that is the bedrock for the smut. //CHEF'S KISS!!! fantastic, fantastic!!!

#tears of themis #been a bit too busy to make my own content these days so i thought why not hype up other ppl's content!! #so so so many skilled writers in this fandom!!! #this rec list is also for my references because i NEED to leave an ao3 comment for all of them but i keep forgetting KJBKSDF #fic recs

[svnaslove]

cuddles. II

Genre: fluff !! and chaos 😔 !!

Characters: Kishoshita, Narita, Kageyama, Hinata, Tsukishima, Yamaguchi

warnings: uhm.. yams’ part is a lil suggestive 😳

#7 | Hisashi Kinoshita | 木下

kinoshita !!

chile let me take a moment to breathe because he’s so underrated but idk how because this man is so pretty !! and kind !! and respectful !!

im about to bark

n e ways

he’s a lil insecure bub🥺

since he sits alot i feel like that did a little something to his confidence :((

but it also made him more aware of his surroundings and he’s very very supportive !!

when you first said you wanted to cuddle he was like

“😳 y-you wanna cuddle?”

kinda scared to at first because he doesn’t know what to do lsjfdls

so you guys started small like just leaning on each other, then laying on each others laps and then full on cuddle sessions <3

he’s so fcking cute !!

if your hair’s long, he ties it up while you’re cuddling so it doesn’t get in the way for you 🥺

if anything he’s trying to make sure you have a good time when cuddling more then himself

#8 | Kazuhito Narita | 成田

cutie !!

again, another v underrated boi, imma cri real quick

he’s literally the cutest ever

he was the first to initiate cuddles and it was so cuteee

he went in to give you a hug while you were standing in the kitchen and he was just like “i miss you :(”

he was touch-starved😭

but then he just...

didn’t let go DSFJLKDS

“kazu, baby, do you want to cuddle?”

HIS EYES LIT UP, HE GOT SO EXCITED

but then he got bashful,,, “if you want to....then i want to too... “

“dummy, i saw how excited you got, let’s go cuddle”

literally happy boi, just trailing after you to the bed to cuddle :))

holds u so tight >.<

but a comfy tight :)

#9 | Tobio Kageyama |影山

my heart goes out to kageyama this absolute baby😭

he’s so awkward because he doesn’t know how to initiate anything and the only thing he’s ever thought about is volleyball

it’s to the point where he has this weird feeling that he just wants to hold you but he doesn’t know how to ask ??

and sometimes he doesn’t know what it is either so he’ll be like, “damn, maybe if i drink some milk, this odd feeling will go away”

spoiler alert: the milk does not help 💔

heart 💔 been broke 📉 so many times ⏰ i don’t know 🤔 what to believe 💯 mama 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 said 🗣 it’s my fault 😢 it’s my fault 🤦🏻‍♀️i wear my heart ❤️ on my sleeve 💪 

so one day you guys are just late night watching tv together and you’re both under the blanket and he’s like “damn, here’s that weird feeling again”

and he just

stares

he just stares at you because he doesn’t know how to ask because he’s scared to feel embarrassed

you feel him looking and you just turn to him like

“😳 hello?”

literally this pretty ass boy is just staring at you and you’re freaking out and he has no self realization and you’re just there, mad blushing

he gets all blushy too and looks away 

SLKDFJLSDJF

“im sorry :(”

then he can’t take it anymore

he stares again 😭

“ 😳 tobio, do you need something?”

“c-can we cuddle?”

THIS CUTIE SLDKFJSDLKF

and you’re like oH, THAT’S WHY HE WAS STARING AT ME LIKE THAT

“yeah, come here”

you hold out your arms and he just goes to your arms

you’ll be laying on your back and he’s laying on your stomach 

and you’ll just play with his hair and hum and he just feels so relaxed and he just takes in your scent and gets smiley sometimes 

and now every time he just stares at you, you know that he wants to cuddle, its just a non-verbal agreement now fldsjsljf

bonus:

this position of cuddling with him was the first time he told you that he loved you 🥺

you were just the only person that could keep him grounded, and when he’s like that with you he just feels so at peace and he just realized out of nowhere that he fell in love with you 🥺

#10 | Hinata Shoyou | 日向

🥺 🥺 🥺  !!!

so baby !!

he can’t stop smiling when you guys are about to cuddle

like his cheeks are hurting !! and he’s still like :DD

like nishinoya, he would tickle you too but it wouldn’t go as far as a tickle fight, just a little something to get you to giggle 

squeals “you’re so cuteeee” ALOT

he will squish your cheeks

honestly, at this point, you guys’ cuddles are more like both of you just laying next to each other really close face to face, some limbs intertwined and just squishing each others cheeks, tickling here and there and just tracing each others features

literally about to cry, the puppy love energy is astronomical 😭

count each others beauty marks, i just feel like that is def something that would happen one day lfkjs

silly faces !!

he compliments you all the time like “you’re so prettyy 🥺” but when you compliment him he’s like

“wait🤚 😳 , u talking about me?? 😳” will blush so hard he will blackout

he’ll have to hide his face into like the crook of your neck because he’s all blushy 

#11 | Kei Tsukishima | 月島

i hate him with so much love

does that make sense

yes, it does.

will tease the HELL out of you when you show that you want to cuddle

gets all smug too😤

but tbh he just does that because he just gets wayyy too excited and his hearts all chaos

it’s his coping mechanism for being a simp 🤡

so he’ll just play with you

“oh? you wanna cuddle? hmm, i don’t know, ask me again in 5 minutes”

MF I SWEAR I WILL CLIMB U

also he gets way into that “hmmm” as if he’s thinking really hard about it SDLKJFSDLK

then you get all pouty and leave and he’s like 

“IM JUST KIDDING JESUS WHERE ARE YOU GOING”

he let his simp side show 😔 r.i.p. ur pride tsukki

and you’re shocked, like where tf did tsukki go?? this ain’t him fkjsd

so you mess with him too

“oh? so you wanna cuddle with me now? hmm, i don’t know, you were kinda mean to me earlier, maybe i’ll just ask tadashi or something.”

you’re literally reaching for your car keys and walking out of your apartment and he just 

*SWOOP*

this tree ass mf swooped you out of the floor over his shoulder earning a loud and embarrassing yelp from you and just carries you to bed

“you’re not going anywhere, don’t be an idiot”

puts you on top of the bed and just lays on top of you to keep you from moving anywhere

“KEI THIS IS NOT COMFORTABLE I CAN’T BREATHE”

“then stop being weird saying you’re going to cuddle other people and cuddle me already dumbass”

gets off and you guys lay comfortably together

“i hate you kei” ~in a playful manner ofc <3

“i know” *gives you a kiss on your forehead* 🥺

#12 | Tadashi Yamaguchi | 山口

i will violently *🥺* for yamaguchi any day, everyday

i love him so much he’s just so 🥺 🥺 !!

ok !!

so cuddling with yamaguchi is the softest experience any human could ever go through

he so soft ???

he’s so sweet ???

he’s so cute ???

he’s so respectful ???

im in love.

will always be asking if somethings okay, if you’re alright, if you’re comfy, if he’s doing anything wrong

but it’s never in an overbearing way, it’s more in a reassuring way !

he was def awkward the first time but he just got more comfy with you over time

but that doesn’t mean he still doesn’t get all blushy and a lil nervous on where to put his hands because he does

he just wants to know if you’re okay, he doesn’t want to accidently make you uncomfortable

but uhm....

one day...

you two were cuddling

and everything was going good, everything was just fine

in fact, he didn’t even need to ask if you were okay or comfy etc,, because he just knows what you like now and he can tell from your body language

but uhm...

you were cuddling, you were the little spoon and he was the big spoon 

and you just wanted to get closer

so you nuzzled back into him 

and he just

froze.

“tadashi? what’s wrong?”

“uhhhh.....”

literally his face is so red 

and then...

u felt it.

you tense up too and you’re face is starting to get red and you’re like 

“uhh.....is ....that...?”

yamaguchi looks like he’s about to cry lsdfkjs

“IM SORRY, I CAN’T CONTROL IT, YOU JSUT FJSDKL YOU BACKED INTO ME AND IT JSUT DID IT IM SORRY”

literally already standing up ready to run out of there

but then 😳

you just grab his wrist n you’re like

“let me help”

his v*rgin brain just short circuits like $(*#$)(#@*#*)$(@#*$)(@#$*

R.I.P. Yamaguchi Tadashi 2020

damn we already lost daichi and now we lost yams too  😔🕊️ fly high

TOBE FLYYYY HIIIIGHHHH ASE TOTHIDONARIDADE

HIKARU SUBASEYO IMA ZENBU ZENBU FLYYYYYYYY

*raw guitar riffs going WIIUM WIIUM WAUUM WAUUM WIIUM*

Part I: Daichi, Sugawara, Asahi, Nishinoya, Tanaka, Ennoshita

Part II: Kinoshita, Narita, Kageyama, Hinata, Tsukishima, Yamaguchi

Part III: Kiyoko, Yachi, Ukai Keishin, Takeda

Part IV: Saeko Tanaka, Akiteru Tsukishima, Shimada, Takinoue

#haikyuu fluff #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu headcanons #kinoshita x reader #narita x reader #kageyama x reader #tsukishima x reader #hinata x reader #yamaguchi x reader #hq x reader #hq headcanons #haikyuu !! #kageyama fluff #tsukishima fluff #hinata shoyo fluff #hinata shoyo x reader #yamaguchi fluff #karasuno fluff #kageyama headcanons #tsukishima headcanons