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aitarose · 4 years

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SUNSHINE | MAKO

PAIRING: Mako x Kya’s Daughter!Reader [fem]

PLOT: Mako’s always had a little crush on Y/N. After all, who wouldn’t? But admitting it to himself? Yeah, no. Just the thought of admitting it to her? Even bigger no. He’d never consider confessing..right? based on these requests by anons

WARNINGS: fluff, mutual pining, friends to lovers

WORD COUNT: 2.3k

A/N: i love mako sm like you guys don’t even know. this man OWNS me fdjafdlsjk. also i got a little carried away with these requests and i took them to the next level so please enjoy :)

MY MASTERLIST

Mako was living his absolute worst nightmare.

Stuck aboard an airship with his two exes, his brother, his boss, and his boss’ ex with no opening window to jump out of?

The day was definitely not in his favor.

Every hour seemed to be the same.

Radio a call..hear about a new airbender..find the map..use the map..go to the town..get kicked out of the town..return to the beginning.

While Mako did love having a routine—he was bored of this one.

The only thing that made his day even slightly interesting was Y/N.

It wasn’t long ago when he had met the water tribe girl. They’d first spoken during the Glacier Spirits Festival in the Southern Water Tribe.

He had been introduced to her mother, Kya, through Bolin. His younger brother was so starstruck by Avatar Aang’s only daughter, that he couldn’t help but drag along her own daughter with him for the entirety of the festival.

Bolin spent the rest of the night proudly walking alongside the teenage girl, who had to have been at least two to three years older than him.

He went around and showed her off to all of their friends from Republic City, even if they already knew her.

“Don’t make a show of it, but I know the Avatar’s granddaughter. You don’t need to be wowed or anything, it’s no big deal.”

“Bolin, I’m literally her uncle.”

Mako was one of the very last people to meet the infamous Y/N.

It was right after his argument with Korra about the situation between her father and Unalaq. His emotions were all over the place, confusion and annoyance dominated his mood.

But all of his anger dissolved with one look at her smile.

It was at that moment when Mako decided that Y/N had a gift.

She could lift someone’s spirit with a single glance. Her eyes always glowed with positivity and her soul was the purest one he had ever come across.

Y/N could be compared to the rising sun. Just by existing, she radiated more light and goodness than the greatest man on Earth could ever achieve.

It had been a very brief introduction.

“Mako, my man!” Bolin slapped his palm over the firebender’s shoulder, a cheesy side smile pointed at the teenage girl standing next to him.

“This is my good friend, Y/N. Y/N meet my big bro!”

Y/N beamed, her teeth sparkling under the moonlight. She held out her hand in a friendly manner and looked straight into Mako’s eyes, unafraid of making eye contact.

“It’s nice to meet you, Mako.” She spoke whilst shaking his hand. “I’ve only known Bolin for an hour and I feel like I already know everything about you.”

Mako groaned in embarrassment. He was always flattered by how much Bolin looked up to him, but sometimes his little brother went a little too far.

“You had an hour? Let me guess..” Mako pointedly looked at Bolin, shaking his head in amusement. “He must’ve told you our entire life story by now.”

When she laughed at his blunt attempt at a joke, Mako’s heart soared right then and there.

It was like the fire inside of him had been ignited with gasoline. but instead of her water smothering his flames..they made the grow. Made them stronger.

Though Mako hadn’t realized these lurching feelings at the time. He did have a girlfriend after all, and he liked to think he would never intentionally cheat on her.

That didn’t stop him from admiring her from afar.

Platonically of course.

There weren’t many moments after the festival where Mako found himself alone with Y/N.

He had chosen to follow Korra to open the spirit portals and Y/N went off to tour the air temples with her extended family—and if he was being honest, he hadn’t had much time to think about her between fighting off evil spirits and breaking up with his girlfriend.

It wasn’t until after Team Avatar defeated Unalaq and Vaatu, that Mako’s mind returned to his unresolved and unrealized feelings.

With the spirit portals open, the world was new again.

Thousands of people were traveling, discovering places they never knew existed, and migrating to different nations.

Luckily for Mako, Y/N had been one of those people.

It had taken her about a week to move into her apartment in Republic City.

Her flat was quaint but cosy. It had views overlooking the busy downtown and bustling people, and she had easy access to stores and shops in the neighborhood.

There was nothing wrong with her new home, but it wasn’t like the South. In fact, it was nothing like the South.

Y/N missed her friends and colleagues. She missed the chilly wind that would slice through the air and freeze her cheekbones. She missed the animals and the overall energy that the South had.

But she was open to new beginnings and new friends—and her open mindset was exactly what led her to join her family and Team Avatar on the search for new airbenders.

Which is right where Mako had left off.

The airship was dreadful, dreary, and just plain boring.

His main source of entertainment was watching a cloud disappear from his view, and then preceding to find another one for his eyes to chase.

Luckily for him, Y/N was also bored out of her mind. She had no one to talk to on the ship.

Korra? Tempting, but intimidating.

Asami? Sure if Y/N was less hippy and more business mogul.

Bolin? Yeah, she didn’t want to go down that path again.

Lin? No way.

Her actual family members? Good option—but Tenzin was boring and all Jinora did was read old scrolls.

Y/N was at a loss, and the only person that seemed remotely interesting was the brooding firebender staring out of the window.

When she approached him, Mako was at a loss for words.

He had been thinking about this moment for awhile now, and had a pun filled pick-up line ready to go, but when it came down to crunch time, he stalled.

“Hey,” Y/N smiled, gesturing to the seat next to Mako on the iron bench. “Mind if I sit?”

Mako’s mouth opened to respond, but no words came out of his mouth. He sat there like a fish out of water, nodding his head silently.

Y/N shrugged her shoulders and happily sat next to the nineteen year old.

With her being so close in proximity, Mako’s brain flashed exe.error messages through his thoughts.

They sat in a comfortable, yet also awkward silence for a long time.

Every time Mako tried to get a word out, he stumbled. His nerves overcame his speech, preventing him from sounding the least bit cool.

Scratch that. They prevented him from sounding like an actual person and not a toddler that just learned how to speak.

After what felt like generations, Mako was saved by none other than his ex-girlfriends.

“We just landed,” Korra said, waving to the former probender and his companion. A confused look flashed across her face at the sight of them so close yet so uncomfortable.

Asami then poked her head around the corner, coming into view. “Are you guys going to come out or what?”

Y/N was the first to jump up, nodding her head enthusiastically.

She nearly sprinted to the exit—not because she wanted to get away from her encounter with Mako, she was just really excited to meet new people.

Mako heaved a deep sigh when she was completely out the door and out of earshot. It felt like he could finally breathe again without the stress of being in her presence.

“You like her?” Korra crossed her arms over one another, leaning against the wall as Asami stood by her side.

“What?” Mako stuttered, his face flooding with hues of red and pink.

“Why would you say that?”

“No Way!”

“I don’t even know what you’re talking about!”

Korra and Asami loudly laughed at Mako’s rambling, while they had both been hurt by his actions in the past, they had come to forgive him—and they wanted nothing more than for him to find his special someone.

“Okay, then.” Korra shrugged, pulling Asami out of the room with her, “Whatever you say, Mako.”

Mako dropped his face into his hands, pulling at his hair as he mentally beat himself up.

“But if it matters,” he looked up to see Korra still standing at the door. A genuine smile shown on her face.

“I think you two would be perfect together.”

As Korra finally left him to himself, Mako couldn’t help but think about how lucky he was to have a friend like her.

She was everything he didn’t need in a relationship, but everything he could’ve ever wanted in a friendship.

Eventually, Mako did manage to force himself off of the airship. He helped with the little show the airbenders put on to influence others to join the nomads and even fought a few bad guys while he was at it.

He was finally having a good day, until the little punk tried to steal his wallet.

“Wait,” he ordered, pulling Kai back by the neck of his shirt. Mako held out his hand expectantly and gave the younger boy a hard look.

“I think you might have something of mine.”

Kai smiled sheepishly before pulling out the firebender’s stolen goods.

“It must’ve fallen into my pocket, my bad.”

Mako glared at the new airbender. The stare he was giving Kai was so cold, it could intimidate a pack of polar bear dogs.

“Now listen here,” he bent down to Kai’s level. His tangerine eyes meeting Kai’s green ones. “I know your game. I used to be the master at it, actually—and let me tell you that it gets you absolutely nowhere.”

Mako sighed, he already saw so much of himself in the kid that he didn’t want him to go down the same hard path that he did.

“All I want is the best for you, kid.” He patted Kai on the shoulder before sending him off to join Jinora on the ship. “Don’t mess up this opportunity.”

There were times where Mako enjoyed being the big bad cop or the authoritarian figure, but this was not one of those times.

He just wanted Kai to have the best life he possibly could.

The life he had always wanted for himself.

Unbeknownst to Mako, his secret crush had witnessed the whole ordeal.

His pure-hearted intentions touched Y/N. Acts of kindness and wellbeing always found their way into her heart, and his act of good caught her attention in a very positive way.

It caught her attention enough, that she found herself standing right behind him.

“That was really sweet what you said back there.” She told Mako, who jumped in surprise at her soft voice.

“Yeah, I tried. I’ve been where he is before. I know how it ends.”

Mako felt much more comfortable now that Y/N had started the conversation. He wasn’t afraid to give his thoughts knowing that she was the one who wanted to talk to him.

Y/N let out a low breath. Her hair willowed in the breeze, her eyes shining under the sunlight. She looked like a lost spirit.

A beautiful lost spirit, Mako thought.

“I try, too.” She whispered to him. Mako could barely hear her voice, it was so faint.

“Sometimes being there for everyone else has its downfall.” Y/N’s sparkling eyes turned dim, sadness drowned her usually uplifting features.

“I spend all my energy making sure that everyone I love is happy, but then there’s never anyone looking out for me, you know?”

Mako did know.

He knew exactly how she was feeling. He’d raised Bolin since they were children.

If anyone knew the pressures of holding onto another person’s burdens, it was Mako.

“I’ve noticed that,” Mako said, stepping closer to the girl. He could see that her eyes were welling with tears, all he wanted to do was wrap his arms around her and make all the negative energy go away.

So that’s exactly what he did.

Y/N melted into Mako’s embrace. She felt his body radiate heat, he warmed not only her body, but her heart in an instant.

“I see you, with Tenzin’s kids.” Mako ran his hand down her back, comforting Y/N as best he could. “They look up to you more than they do anyone else. You’re really amazing, Y/N. I’m surprised you don’t hear it more often.”

Right then and there, Y/N realized exactly what she needed in her life—and it was Mako.

If she was being honest with herself, he hadn’t exactly caught her eye before.

She thought he was somewhat bland at the Glacier Spirits Festival and the whole double girlfriend situation definitely didn’t spark her interest in the firebender, but now here she was..

Crying in his arms, confessing her insecurities, and feeling heard.

She had never felt heard before.

“I think you’re really amazing.” Mako blurted out.

He cringed at his confession, hoping that she didn’t take it the wrong way. If there even was a wrong way to take it.

Mako felt Y/N grow still in his arms. His heart pounded in anticipation for what her next words would be.

To his surprise she pulled away..

Before pressing a deep kiss to his lips.

Mako immediately responded. His mouth moved languidly with hers, connecting in the most perfect way, as if they were meant to be.

His entire body nearly combusted. Her bright spirit combining with his fiery one.

Mako felt like sunshine was running through his veins.

She pulled away, giving him one last chaste kiss.

“I think you’re amazing, too.”

i love feedback pls give me some

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thiswitchyweirdo · 2 years

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I adore my friends. They are my everything

It’s def not a lot. I just have my ppl I mostly stick with.

Babe- she’s been my best friend since kindergarten. My partner in literal crime LOL she drives me nuts but I love her more than anything

Isa- love her so much. My first real friend on here and she’s so amazing. I still have our matching contact photos of stiles and scott @randomoutsiders

Zo- she’s crazy. One of the funniest people I’ve ever met. So random and unpredictable and loving.

Bemmy- we have definitely had our rough patches but I really do love you. This has brought us together. I’ll forgive you for being an Aries. Boys try to tear us apart but we are both evil and crazy.

Crabby Pabbie- the Gemini. They are one of the funniest people I’ve ever met. Texting them while they sat behind me in economics laughing at me while I blatantly ignored the student teacher trying to small talk with me without me even knowing it.

Cami- literally Elle Woods. She’s everything I’ve ever wanted to be. Pretty, popular, kind, smart, a cheerleader. She’s literally perfect. She is the purest soul I’ve ever had the honor of meeting

Baby- so sexy. the like only one of my friends I regularly call baby. I mostly call people babe but they’re my baby. I love u forever fil

Christopher- (short) king. A felon ❤️ we don’t know each other that well but he always has a way of making me laugh over the dumbest most childish shit ever. Other half of the bad luck charm

Sunny Bunny- I miss her more than anything. I haven’t seen them since my sisters graduation and I’m trying to see her again. I’m so proud of how far she’s come. Love you mamas ❤️

Star- one of the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. We had a rough patch not too long ago but we are back and I love her so much. The definition of a y2k baddie. When we first met in filth grade we had not really talked much until the teacher moved my seat and I told her if I was annoying just to tell me to shut up because I’m a chatterbox and she laughed.

Nicky- math class buddy. I adore him. He’s funny and I keep him from killing ppl in that class. We laugh at stupid people together

Cece- gorgeous girl with constantly changing hair. Love her like a little sister. Has the cutest outfits and the prettiest makeup.

Gab- my man. I do his eyeliner and hit his dab pen when I’m hiding. Come so far since I first met him. Love him like crazy. Buys me waters at lunch sometimes. Give it to me and says “here’s your slut water” and when I say I love him he says it back

Bourty and Breezy- the real partners in crime. Hilarious and terrifying. Do not fw them

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sophfandoms53 · 3 years

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Ignoring the fact I’m literally 5 days late on this,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RANDYYYYYYYYY @randomduckydoodles

We both like DuckTales, have DuckTales OC’s, and we both like Tangled, so I thought “hey lemme make Shelly and Winnie Rapunzel and Cassandra, it lowkey makes sense.” So here we are.

Randy, you’ve become one of my best friends the last year and it is insane how much has happened since we met. All the laughs we’ve shared have been some of the most purest and realest laughs we’ve ever had, I’m already tearing omg soph you just started, and even during those times where things get rough we both try to keep the mood up, talking to you every day is something I always look forward to, it’s never dull, ever, we always find something to become an insane conversation.

Nothing can top our 8 hour voice calls when we’re sleep deprived to the point of just wheezes and laughter, these are a personal favorite.

You’ve been someone who I’ve let see me at my most vulnerable, or at least hear in this case LMAO, as I was in complete tears and confusion, a place a vast majority of my irl friends have never seen me in, but you kept my head up and I’m so thankful for that moment every day. I look back at it constantly and it’s a moment where I can identify it as “yeah this girl is someone who I’m gonna stick with in the long run” and that’s all stayed true.

If someone were to have told me years ago, heck even last year just before we started talking, that i’d meet someone through a duck cartoon on tumblr and that i’d grow to love them so much and that they’d become my best friend, I wouldn’t have believed it.

You’re not only an incredibly friend, but you’re an amazing person to write and create with, I appreciate all your silly notes on the HRI doc LMAO, and omg when we tried writing and calling and got completely sidetracked and just talked? Iconic.

I think a good term to sum up our friendship is chaotic dumbass platonic soul mates, maybe we can shorten this idk it’s a mouthful BUT YOU GET MY POINT LMAO

You’ve literally become such an important person in my life and the idea of no longer being in each other lives just doesn’t exist. I see a future with friends and I see you still there, I see myself still there for you.

I could go on honestly but imma wrap this up and just say, Randy I absolutely love you so so much, thank you for everything, and I hope you continue thrive and enjoy dealing with my nonsense for many more years to come LMAO.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RANDY💜💜💜

#ducktales #ducktales 2017 #shelly duckling #winnie vanderquack #ducktales oc

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nbwriteschaos · 2 years

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happy tag game :]

i was tagged by @galaxial-darktale ! thank you

Rules: When you receive this, list 5 things that make you happy and send this to 10 of the last people in your notifications! :)

1. my girlfriend!!! she makes me very very happy she’s so supportive and kind and has genuinely the purest soul compared to anyone i have ever met. we recently just celebrated our 6 months too! love her very much

2. my cats!! i have 3 and i love them all so much i would rip off my legs and sell my toes for them and also every other cat in the world

3. creating!!! this is rather vague but it’s because i love creating literally anything, whether it be stories, oc’s, art, edits of pictures, etc! it makes me super happy

4. nature :] i’m a very spiritual person so going outside and appreciating what the universe has blessed us with is something that will forever bring me joy and comfort. i like to feed the bunnies outside of my house and collect rocks and pick flowers and watch the stars and it’s the best thing ever

5. my friends !! over the last couple of years i’ve found my., found family.. consisting of five people who i love dearly and have a ton of future plans with! two of them live a few states away but when i met them with my other two friends i think i died and came back to life, i was so happy. we have plans to go to a music festival this september and i cannot wait!!

this game made me very happy, so i hope it makes y’all happy too! i’m tagging: @night-academy @i-can-even-burn-salad @enchanted-lightning-aes @peresephones @ozzie-scribe @the-black-flucking-unicorn @carefulpyro @megan-writes @oh-no-another-idea @ceruleanice and whoever else wants to do this!!

#tag game #tagged

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kim-ruzek · 3 years

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They fuck you up, your mum and dad

Summary: Introspective fic. Jesse asks a question about her father and it sets off all of Amanda's worries and fears.

Warnings: mentions of addiction, gambling addiction.

Word Count: 3k

Read on AO3

Notes: So. I've been rewatching season 15 and I'm in my Amanda feels. This came into my mind last night and would not leave until I wrote so hence my first ever svu fic was born. Although, full disclaimer, I do have the personal headcanon that Nick is Jesse's father, but this is canon compliant in that Murphy is.

The title and poem is from This be the verse by Richard Larkin! (Thank you @fighterkimburgess for the suggestion).

I hope you enjoy!

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra just for you.

Amanda always knew that this day would come.

She knew it from the very moment she saw that positive pink line on that drugstore pregnancy test. She knew it when she decided that she was having her baby, that she was keeping her. She knew it when she bumped into Declan Murphy, and the reality that her baby’s father was a career UC was brought once more to the forefront of her mind.

Jesse was a perfect, beautiful baby.

Amanda had such trouble with love, never falling for the right people, never really experiencing real love. But from the very first time she laid eyes on Jesse she loved her, loved her with such a fierceness and strength that she had never felt before. Jesse was the first person who Amanda ever loved, the first love that wasn’t tainted by the darkness of the person’s soul.

Jesse was bright-eyed, beautiful, and angelic. Her soul was the most purest, untouched from any evils. And she was hers, completely and utterly hers.

Of course, that’s not true. There’s no way, biologically and scientifically, that could ever be true. A woman can’t just spontaneously get pregnant—even in the Bible, Mary was blessed by God himself, if she was so inclined to believe.

Jesse is half Amanda’s, half Declan’s. Amanda will never admit—not even to Sonny late at night—just how happy it made her that Jesse took after her in looks, that Amanda’s genes came out the strongest. It’s a petty kind of pride, she thinks, but as selfish as it is, Jesse is hers and she’s always going to happy that’s reflected in her looks.

Not that Amanda would ever love her less if she didn’t. She doesn’t think she physically could—another thing that makes her proud. One of her main wants when she became a parent was that she’d never be like her own mother, that her love would never be conditional, that if she ever had more than one child that she’d never favour the one over the other. And with the fierce certainty that erupts in her at the thought of not loving Jesse, the certainty that isn’t possible, reassures her that she’s at least keeping to that goal.

Still, there are times when Jesse pulls an expression that so strongly reminds Amanda of her old lieutenant, of Jesse’s father, that it brings up the thought, the reminder, that one day this conversation would be had, that Jesse would ask about her father.

Jesse knows who he is, knows the basics. She’s met him, only a handful of times, but she has met him. Liked him, even. They’ll never be like the typical father and daughter, but their moments together has always been positive.

Jesse understands this, knows that Declan is never really going to be around. It’ll make Amanda sadder, if it affected Jesse in any way. But truth be told, Jesse is never that much bothered by it. Not even in a way that’s just her being too grown up, but in a genuine way. A way that it doesn’t mar Jesse’s bright spirit, doesn’t bring any darkness or mess her up in any kind of way absentee parents can do.

Amanda has done good, something that some days she can’t quite get her head around. She’s given Jesse a big, loving, albeit unconventional, family that never leaves her lacking for anything.

She’s got Amanda, a mother who’d quite literally die for her. She’s got Frannie, who’s very much protective over the young Rollins’. And she’s got Billie, a sister, a playmate. Someone who Amanda hopes will grow to be a friend as well as a sister, that the two will be each other’s confidantes. That, especially in the teen years when rebellion is rife, that her daughters will have each other’s backs, even if that means helping to the other to keep secrets from her.

And she’s got so much more. Aunt Liv and Uncle Fin. Her cousin Noah. Even Uncles John and Don, and those rare occasions Nick is in town. And recently, her new uncle, Uncle Elliot. And finally, she has her Uncle Sonny. Sonny, probably the next important person in Jesse’s life aside from her. And through Sonny, even more since they had begun dating, Jesse has grandparents, aunts and uncles and even more cousins.

Jesse is so surrounded by love and people who will protect her with their dying breath. And so, even though Declan is barely present, she’s growing so self assured, with no holes or gaps in her life. This is something Amanda will always be grateful for, that she can’t give Jesse a traditional family but that it doesn’t matter, because the one she’s got leaves her whole.

Amanda had hoped this meant she’d have more time before Jesse came asking about her father.

It’s partly for selfish reasons. Because Amanda has this strong connection with her daughter—both, really—that she’s a single mother, that her daughters are hers and hers alone.

Although as Jesse grows, the less Amanda can think that. She always will of course, because it’ll never change, but it also has. It’s shifted; no longer is Jesse this small, squishy thing who needs Amanda and Amanda alone. She’s a precocious six year old, with her own personality and traits.

Jesse is, biologically, half Amanda and half Declan but she’s fast teaching Amanda just how little genes are important. Because Jesse is made up with little pieces of everyone in her life. She’s taken to using phrases and sayings that Fin uses, she keeps wanting a blazer like aunty Liv’s, and she’s got a Staten Island twang picked up from Sonny.

Amanda loves seeing this, loves seeing her family reflected in her daughter. But it also makes her panic, to cling onto her little girl and never let her go. Because she’s hers.

But this isn’t only why she almost dreaded this day. It’s still her being selfish, but Amanda thinks that everything she feels for her children could be seen as selfish, because nothing else in the world matters more than her two angels.

Declan may, biologically, be Jesse’s father, but Amanda knows who she sees as her dad, in her heart. That Sonny is her father, really. He was the first other person to ever hold Jesse, the second person she first called too, the man she loves and always wants to be with them.

He plays the games he knows she likes, helps her with her homework, takes her to her grandparents and stays with her when Amanda’s busy at work. That he had been doing this long before they were even a couple, that Jesse cuddles had been fixing his bad days ever since she was born.

In Amanda’s heart, Sonny is always going to be Jesse’s dad.

And she so desperately wants it to be true, to have biology support the truth she knows in her heart. She doesn’t put much stock in biology these days anyway, but it would make things oh so more easier. Because Amanda will always think Sonny as her daughter’s dad, but as it’s so, so apparent—Jesse is her own person.

Jesse has her own thoughts and opinions and feelings. And Declan is, biologically, Jesse’s dad. And Amanda knows that what her heart feels, thinks, knows...it means nothing compared to what Jesse’s heart does, what Jesse decides is fact or fiction.

And so Amanda has feared this day, almost. The day Jesse shows an interest in knowing more about Declan.

Fears it because it brings up Amanda’s very real worry that Jesse will reject Sonny, her worry that they’re all just playing at house and if they begin addressing how Jesse has someone else’s blood running through her veins everything will crumple before she can stop it.

And fears because, well, because Amanda’s never really been admired or respected by anyone—especially when it comes to her own blood. But that’s the thing about children, they look at you like you’re their superhero, that you’re invincible. And Amanda knows her daughters will one day see the world less black and white, and she’s prepared for this. Excited, even, because she catches herself often marvelling at the thought of how her relationship with her daughters will be when they’re adults.

But how can she explain how Jesse came to be? How she made a stupid decision and slept with Declan? That she didn’t even realise she was pregnant before Yates, a serial killer, pointed it out. Jesse knows the basics, and Amanda knows that her daughter isn’t asking for these more adult descriptions, but it ignites her ultimate worry in her. That one day her daughter will understand how she came to be, and that she’d think less of her.

Jesse is her first love of her life and the thought of her thinking lowly of her, of judging her, is one that’s too much to bare. One that has brought her to tears in the middle of night just thinking about it, just the idea of her daughter thinking of her in a negative light.

And it’s not because Jesse was conceived after a one night stand, not really. Amanda does worry about that, too, of course—same with Billie. Especially with the girls realising that Amanda made the same mistake twice, and not even with the same man.

But because the story of her and Declan is not a pleasant one. It’s messy, chaotic, unromantic.

How will she ever explain to her daughter that she was only conceived, if you trace it back to the beginning, because she is an addict, because she wasn’t strong enough to stay on the wagon, that she gambled illegally and that she risked everything.

That she only met Jesse’s father because she was outed as a cop, because she was stupid enough to put herself in a situation where being a cop can get you killed.

In general, in a weird way, Amanda feels grateful for her having that lapse. The whole thing with Nate and Lena had hit her like a truck, had stolen her breath and made everything spiral, and made her loose control. Even a year later, it hurt. The betrayal had cut deep and it robbed her of her gambling sobriety.

But then she had Jesse. But then she had stared into Jesse’s eyes for the very first time, and so much of that hurt was instantly evaporated. Because if that didn’t happen, if she didn’t fall if the wagon then, she never would’ve met Declan—she never would’ve had Jesse.

Of course, there’s a chance she still would meet him, because after all he was in charge of svu twice. But Amanda knows, knows, that had she not met him then that she’d never have slept with him, and so she never would’ve had Jesse.

It’s quite remarkable how the act of having Jesse wiped away her remaining embarrassment over it, that she finally accepted that it was just something that had happened.

But there’s always two sides of a coin. And having an addict for a mother, having it be so that your mom only met your dad because she was an addict... How could she ever expect Jesse to know that and not think less of her?

And how does she expand on how she met Declan to a curious six year old? Not quite old enough to deal with bigger information pieces, but not too young to be satisfied with an non answer.

Amanda tries to reassure herself, that at least Declan was a good man. That her conversation with Jesse is infinitely more easier than the one Liv has to have with Noah. But there’s a part of her mind that rebuffs that. That says that Noah is adopted, that Liv is his saviour, whereas she was the one who made the choices that brought Jesse and Billie into the world.

It’s not a fair rebuff. Adoption is always a tough subject, and then there’s the fact that Noah’s biological father was a rapist. That’s never going to be an easy thing to address. Although, if anyone knows how to do it—or rather, how not to do it—it’s going to be Liv.

This reassurance does nothing for her, and she once more wishes so, so strongly that Sonny was her daughters’ father. It’s so easy to just operate on that. Sonny had always been here. He had even been called dada briefly by Jesse when she was a baby.

Even Declan had noted it, on Jesse’s third birthday. He had stopped by, had interacted with Jesse. There was a moment when he was helping Amanda get the cake that he had directed her attention to where Sonny sat playing with Jesse.

“He’s good with her.” Declan had observed. Then he had said something that had taken her by surprise but will forever have a residence in her mind.

“You know, if you ever need me to sign any papers, just say the word. I’ll never be a traditional dad to her, but if you have someone... I’ll sign.” He had said. Amanda had gaped at him, unsure of what to say, but in typical Declan fashion he just moved on easily.

In all this, Amanda has one reassurance, that it’ll be easier with Billie. Billie, like her sister, had called Sonny dada before she could speak much but unlike Jesse, she hadn’t stopped. Most of Billie’s life, her memories, had Amanda and Sonny being an actual couple.

It’s not like Amanda thinks Jesse rejects the idea of seeing Sonny as her father. In fact, she’s fairly certain she does. Father day cards are always addressed to him and since they got together, Jesse’s rather gotten in the habit of just calling him Sonny, not Uncle Sonny. Amanda knows her daughter, and she knows that the dropping of uncle is because Sonny’s no longer an uncle, or at least no longer just that.

But Amanda’s fears go well beyond that. It goes to her fears of how her daughter will see her, if her daughter will think herself as a mistake, as a regret. Her wish for Sonny to be her dad just is so strong not because Amanda wishes for just an easy life, but because there’s so much that could cause Jesse strife in the story of her parents, and Amanda never wants her daughter to feel anything bad.

Jesse is so perfect, so innocent and whole. Her world is small, but filled with so much love. Amanda sees such darkness on a daily basis, and has been through such darkness, but Jesse knows only light. And Amanda knows that Jesse will one day fight her own demons; that Jesse will have her heart broken, that the world will be unfair to her someday.

That thought aches, aches, Amanda’s heart, the desire to protect her daughter from anything bad surging. But it’ll happen, and Amanda can only take comfort in that she’ll help Jesse through it, and that Jesse has so many other people to help her through it.

It’s a source of pride for Amanda that Jesse is having a stable childhood. Amanda herself had such a rocky one, had learnt that home isn’t always as warm and welcoming as it should be. It left a deep scar on her, learning that how and when she did. Sobriety is all about taking responsibility for your own actions, and Amanda doesn’t excuse her mistakes, but she understands that all the chaos she put herself through stemmed from that.

Every day at work Amanda sees just how emotional scars can have an affect on one’s self, and she personally knows that. And that’s why she has feared this day. Because Jesse’s world is whole and balanced, because Jesse doesn’t have a part of her that feels empty, lacking. Because Amanda so hopes that it’ll never change, but that she can’t know that.

Jesse came to be because of something so messy and chaotic. She wasn’t made through love, she wasn’t a purposeful action. Her arrival quite literally changed Amanda’s whole world, for the better, but there’s always the fear that Jesse will see it differently.

There’s so much Jesse can take from Amanda’s life, all with the potential to mar her beautiful life, all with the potential to leave her with scars, with the potential to steal chunks of her soul. And that is what leaves Amanda with a cold fear, because the thought of her daughter loosing a piece of herself, for being fucked up by her parents like Amanda was is something she’s so afraid off. And she’s scared that it’ll be because Jesse will become disillusioned about Amanda, that she’d see her mother only as the bad, disaster of a person she was before, and that’s what will fuck her up the most.

Amanda barely had any time to think about this, however, because she has a rather impatient six year old looking at her and waiting for an answer.

“How did you and Declan meet?” Jesse had asked. She’s never called Declan dad, never knowing him long enough, and Amanda will always feel a little happiness that she’s the only parent in Jesse’s life who’s called Mama, who’s given a title—and gratefulness, of course, that Declan doesn’t mind not being called dad in his infrequent visits.

Amanda looks at her beautiful, perfect daughter and she takes a deep breath.

“He saved me,” She answers simply. Because that’s what he did. Because Amanda got so lucky that he was undercover, that he was a kind cop, that he choose to have her back, that he was so ready to defend her to IAB, to even Liv. There’s so many parts of their story that Amanda can’t quite tell her daughter yet, but she can tell her that her dad is kind, and that’s the important thing.

Someday, she’ll have to tell the full story, and that’s when she’ll have to face all her fears. But for now, she’ll just say this and hope that this is one gene of Declan’s that comes through Jesse; that her daughter will be as kind and understanding as her father, that she’ll believe in Amanda the same way Declan did all those years ago when he saved her life. And that it’ll be enough to save Jesse herself, save her from history repeating itself.

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra just for you.

#svu #amanda rollins #jesse rollins #rollisi #<- tagging just bc it's very subtly in the background #ree writes #ree's.writing #svu fanfiction

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makeste · 4 years

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I was originally going to send this message declaring my undying love for your metas and chapter reviews aND THEN - AND THEN MAKESTE - I READ THE ANSWER WHERE YOU SAID YOU WERE ARO AND THAT MAKES ME SOOOOO HAPPY. I'm aroace and it is SO FRUSTRATING to want to consume platonic or familial interaction between people and CONSTANTLY only get romantic or sexual. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING YOU CONTRIBUTE

woooo up top! solidarity lol.

for me it’s like... I don’t know if “frustrating” is the word I would use, but I do wish there was more gen out there. and that’s also something I’ve felt awkward about wanting in the past, because my early fandom years took place in a time where slash was much less of an everyday commonplace thing than it is now, and liking it was still a fairly controversial thing. the internet was a much more openly homophobic place than it is now. like, picture the purity police of modern day tumblr, but if they attacked any kind of non-heterosexual relationship as being sick and perverted and wrong. that was pretty much the general vibe. this was before AO3, and people who wrote slash often didn’t post it on ff.net and only posted it to their own private blogs and/or locked and moderated communities instead just so they wouldn’t be harassed. and there was absolutely no canon representation out there at all, or next to none. it was very much a “[rolls eyes] oh the yaoi fangirls are at it again” sort of thing where non-cishet relationships in fiction and fanfiction were at best not taken seriously at all, and at worst were treated with outright scorn and disgust.

and so like, with this being a common attitude at the time, I felt guilty for not always wanting to read slash myself. like, I don’t mind reading about romantic relationships at all, but for me there also has to be some other kind of element in play as well, or else it’s just not going to click for me. if a fic is just romance, just a lot of pining and slow burn stuff without anything else really going on in the plot, I just get bored and disinterested. I almost want to use the word tired, even though I’m not sure that makes much sense. I just can’t connect to the emotions, and so I disengage pretty quickly. and so I tend to steer clear of time-honored fandom staples like coffee shop AUs or And They Were Roommates, just because for me there’s rarely anything there for me to latch onto. I like angst, but I can’t relate to “so and so doesn’t feel the same way about me”, or “I want to be with them so bad but I don’t know how to confess”, or “they’re with someone else and it hurts like crazy every time I see them and know we can’t be together”, because none of those are emotions that I have ever personally felt, and I just can’t make myself feel them. what I can relate to are things like “this person makes me feel safe”, or “I feel a strong connection to this person”, or “I trust this person more than anyone else” because those feelings aren’t exclusively romantic in nature. I can relate to closeness and caring and love and affection and trust, but what I can’t relate to is the feeling of having a single person occupy all of your thoughts all the time, and very badly wanting to be the most important thing in their life as well, and feeling incomplete otherwise.

but anyway I spiraled away from the point I was trying to get to, which is that for a long time I actually felt guilty about feeling this way. because even though it’s rare to find fanworks where gen/platonic relationships are at the center, actual canon is chock full of said relationships. and so it’s like, what right do I even have to complain when I get to read all the time about so and so being friends, but the people who actually want them to be in a relationship in the actual canon so rarely get to see that actually happen. because that much has not changed in the past 20 years, even though society has become far more accepting of LGBTQ+ relationships. most canons are still far more likely to tease a non-hetero ship -- on purpose, even, hence why queerbaiting is a thing -- than actually commit to it. and so I often feel like I have no right to voice my desire for more genfic, because genfic has never faced the same kind of scrutiny as slashfic. gen has always been acceptable, and there is plenty of canon representation of platonic and non-romantic relationships, and so it’s not something I have any business whining about.

and even now I feel fairly uncomfortable voicing this lol. I write almost exclusively genfic myself, and up until very recently, I’ve always defined gen in my head as being just a lack of romantic or sexual content, rather than being its own distinct category. I think that’s one of the reasons it took me so long to realize I was aro (that, and I’d honestly never even come across the term until just a few years ago). for me, my lack of interest in romantic affection always felt more like a lack of identity rather than an identity in and of itself. I always felt like I was missing something. and for a very long time it never occurred to me that this might be a permanent thing; I just figured, okay, I just haven’t had this feeling yet. it just hasn’t happened for me yet. but eventually it would, and I just hadn’t met the right person, or whatever. but it was never anything I particularly wanted, and I never felt like I was missing out on anything by not having it. I never felt any kind of longing for it or felt incomplete without it. I was actually perfectly content!

but because society treats romantic orientation as the norm and places such a huge emphasis on it, I still had the uncomfortable feeling in the back of my head that if I never fell in love with someone and never wound up having a relationship with someone, my life would somehow be less meaningful and whole. like, we’re raised to think that romantic love is basically the pinnacle of the human experience, the purest and truest emotion that anyone can feel. and at the same time, there’s this idea that a life without that kind of love is just sad and unfulfilling and tragic. and so for a very long time my experience with my own aromanticism was characterized by me thinking of it as a lack of something that everyone else said was very important. and it took a long time to realize that that wasn’t the case, and that it was a valid orientation all its own and not just a matter of me being deficient in some way. and that was actually such a relief to finally come to terms with. I can be whole and complete on my own and still have a rich and fulfilling human experience even if I never experience romantic love, and that’s fine. I’m not missing anything. I’m not wrong for feeling like I’m not missing anything. it’s fine to be content with just me as I am. like, holy shit. and that was such a weight off my shoulders to finally get that.

I once wrote a fic which I was and still am very proud of. it was a genfic, and it had a really intricate plot with a big twist at the very end. and there was a ton of emotion in it, and it got very intense at times, because these were two characters who cared a lot about each other and would literally die for each other if they had to, and I’d put them in a situation where that possibility was very much looming over their heads at every turn. and I really put everything I had into trying to convey that kind of bond as strongly as possible. like I poured a ton of my heart and soul into that fic. and the responses were almost universally positive and kind and made me really happy.

there was one response though, that still sticks with me to this day. it was by and large very positive, just like the others. but it ended with a single sentence that, at the time, kind of just lowkey gutted me. Not gonna lie though, would have loved some slash in there.

like, that just cut me. way more than this person actually intended, I think. I’m pretty sure they just meant it as an offhanded comment, not even a concrit or anything. just “haha would have loved it if they’d kissed though lol.” but it stung. because this was something I’d put every ounce of emotion that I could conjure up into. and even though it wasn’t mean to be hurtful in any way, to me that comment read as “this is still missing something.” because there was no romance, the fic was incomplete. the characters’ feelings were incomplete. even though I’d struggled so much to convey all of these complex emotions which to me were so real and powerful, and even though the comment even acknowledged that I had by and large done so effectively, to me the single takeaway that stuck was that the feelings were less meaningful because there was no romance.

and that felt like a failing on my part. I even apologized for it. and here we are, ten years later, and that comment still pops up in my head any time I feel the urge to talk about a popular ship which I support but which I also enjoy as just a friendship. “just” a friendship. I still feel guilt over that. I still feel this urge to overexplain that I’m not trying to invalidate the actual romantic ship. I worry that I’d be perceived as ungrateful and/or a bad ally if I ever just came out and said “I wish there was more gen” like you were able to say so freely, anon. I worry about people getting offended if I were to say “I headcanon so and so as being aroace” because it might be viewed as an attack on their ships, or as latent homophobia, or something. like I have this paranoid fear that people might take it as me being puritanical and all “oh no, icky sex” or whatever, and so I end up just never bringing it up at all.

and that’s the thing about aromanticism, though; it’s so easy to just never talk about it at all, because for so many people it is just defined as a lack of something, rather than a something all on its own. it’s so easy for it to be something you just never bring up, and which just kind of quietly exists as the boring, bland, inoffensive yet uninteresting lack of a relationship; the default blank slate that most everyone is dying to fill in as soon as possible, except for you. and I’ve gone on thinking about it that way myself for so long that I’m still struggling now to sort out how to embrace it as an actual identity. it’s something I still have a lot of work to do on I guess.

anyway! so that all got very long and rambling and personal, far more so than I intended; clearly I have a lot of pent up thoughts and feelings about this lol. I guess I probably could stand to talk about it more, since the evidence would indicate that I clearly want to. but eh, baby steps. but anyways you are super valid anon and thank you so much for the love and comments. <3

#aromanticism #meta #aromanticism in fandom #personal #long post #ask #anon ask #hey um just an addendum this is a pro aroace post NOT an anti-shipping post #just to make that clear #like you can be for one thing without bashing the other #so if you want to reblog this that is awesome and I'm grateful #but please don't use it as a launching pad for any weird toxic 'shipping is bad' takes please and thanks

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thesassenachswiftie · 3 years

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Lover - Chapter 13: “Soon You’ll Get Better”

Read on AO3

Chapter 1 // Chapter 2 // Chapter 3 // Chapter 4 // Chapter 5 // Chapter 6 // Chapter 7 // Chapter 8 // Chapter 9 // Chapter 10 // Chapter 11 // Chapter 12

Summary: Claire and Jo go Christmas shopping; Claire gets a call at work that Lamb’s in the hospital in Boston where she fears she will need to spend the holidays without Jamie. In short: angst, but make it festive.

" This won't go back to normal, if it ever was It's been years of hoping, and I keep saying it because 'Cause I have to

Ooh-ah, you'll get better..."

CW: cancer, hospitals, illness of a loved one,

Notes: First of all, if you’re still here, thank you for reading, and thank you for bearing with me as I took a small hiatus. Hopefully I will be getting back to a more regular posting schedule, but work is really draining right now and it’s hard to find enough hours in the day to do everything.

As you know, each Chapter of this fic is based off a Taylor Swift song by the same name. This one was particularly difficult to write/approach because I actually haven’t listened to this song in over a year. In early Summer 2019, a tumor was found on my grandfather’s brain. This was also the summer I discovered Outlander, and the summer Taylor Swift released Lover. The day after Lover came out, I broke down sobbing in my apartment listening to this song and thinking about my grandfather, knowing his condition was worsening. That night, I recieved the call that my grandfather had passed. He was the kindest, purest soul and I write this chapter in part as a tribute to him. Many of the experiences Claire and Lamb share are based on my own experiences with my grandpa that summer, and this version of Lamb is very much based on my Grandpa Jim.

That being said, you may want to grab a box of tissues before reading, but hopefully not all your tears will be sad. I’m hoping to post again before Chistmas, but in case I don’t Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays--and Happy Hanukkah to any Jewish readers I may have--here is a Hanukkah present for you!

Chapter 13: “Soon You’ll Get Better”

“All I want for Christmas is yooouuuuu” the sounds of Mariah Carey rang out throughout the small boutique gift shop in the heart of the village of Northport.

“Good God, we’re only a week into December and I swear I’ve already heard this song three hundred times. I’m not exaggerating either. Two hundred and eight-four at the very least.” Jo scoffed exasperatedly.

“Are you complaining?” Claire asked in reply. “It’s a great song--a classic really.”

“Do you know how many incredible, amazing, beautiful, jolly Christmas songs there are in existence?” Jo was gearing up for one of their famous rants, “Yet, the radio stations only ever play the same eighteen songs, I swear!”

“It must be more than eighteen.”

“Fine. Twenty. Take this song for instance: Ingrid Michaelson has the most hauntingly beautiful cover of it--do you ever hear it? No! You only ever hear Mariah!”

“I, for one, like Mariah!” Claire interjected, playfully defensive.

“Who doesn’t? But she’s not the only powerhouse female vocalist out there! I’d just like to see a little diversity in my holiday music, is that so much to ask?”

Claire giggled. Her best friend always had an opinion on everything and she loved them all the more for it. “Do you think Jenny would like this candle?” Claire unscrewed the lid a locally-made jar candle, taking a sniff before placing it under Jo’s nose. It smelled like Lavender and Sage with just a hint of Eucalyptus.

“Does Jenny keep a lot of candles around, with all those children?” Jo chuckled back. “It does smell nice though.” Jo had only met Jenny a couple times when visiting Claire, but they had a knack for reading people and Claire was glad to have them along as a shopping partner.

“I suppose candles aren’t really her thing. Jenny seems very practical, but I don’t know what she would need that she doesn’t already have, and Jamie’s been no help!”

“I think you’re on the right track with the self-care/relaxation vibe, but maybe not something the children can use to burn the house down. What about an artisanal lotion set?” Jo inquired, gesturing at a nearby display.

“Oh that might work!” Claire took a squirt from the bottle labeled ‘tester’ inhaling deeply as she rubbed it between her palms. “Ooo that’s nice, I would appreciate this if I were a hardworking mother.”

“If things keep going the way they are with your man, LJ, you might just be before you know it” Jo made a lewd gesture with their hands, raising their eyebrows to make it clear exactly what they were implying.

“Jo! You’re terrible” Claire shrieked, smacking her friend playfully on the arm. Besides, not much of that happening these days if you haven’t noticed, Jamie is literally across the ocean.”

“Well, at least you can’t get knocked up from phone sex,” Jo replied. “What are you getting him anyway? I’m thinking something lacy and strappy, with little bows on it of course, to be festive. There’s a place down the street that might have something like that.”

“Hmm” Claire exhaled. “We’ll see.” Claire knew lingerie was definitely going to be part of Jamie’s Christmas gift, one she would be most excited for him to unwrap. God, she missed him. It had been over a month and they were settling into a routine, video chatting every night, sweet texts back and forth throughout the day, the occasional phone sex when they were both sick with desire for one other--but nothing was the same as the feel of their bodies pressed against each other in the heat of the moment, chasing each other’s climax. Claire couldn’t wait to be reunited with him in every way.

It was two days before Christmas break, only a few days left until Claire would find freedom for the next ten days and, most of all--the comfort of Jamie’s arms. Claire was sitting in her school nurse’s office, inhaling deeply during the first quiet moments she’d had all week. There was an uptick of student visits in the past couple weeks--a few were legitimate concerns tied to cold and flu season: students whose parents sent them to school when they weren’t quite well enough, overachievers who wanted to maintain their perfect attendance dragging themselves to school despite their bodies protestations. Most of her patients however, were suffering from something much more insidious: the eagerness to start their winter break early by skipping their classes. This time of year the air of the school felt different, students and teachers alike were burnt out, apathetic, and ready for a break. This attitude in the students fed into the teachers’ attitudes--overworked with the end of the marking period, trying to squeeze in Christmas shopping and decorating between grading. Claire did not envy Jo nor any of the other teachers during this time, but their exhaustion was so palpable in the air of the school that she was starting to feel it too. By tomorrow, most teachers would be shutting their doors and playing a holiday film, giving up on instruction all together--hopefully that would make for a quiet day for Claire. Really, if she could just get through the rest of the day it would be smooth sailing until Christmas--until Jamie.

Her silent musings were broken by the blaring sound of her office phone. She was expecting a teacher, calling to send a student down, but instead it was the school clerk, Glenda. “Hi Nurse Beauchamp, we have an outside call for you, it seems like it may be a personal call so if there’s any students with you we can send someone down to watch them if you’d like to take it privately here in the office.”

Claire's heart sank to her stomach. What could it be? She took a deep breath and swallowed to brace herself before replying “last student just left.”

“Alright, I’ll transfer you now.” The click of the call transferring sounded through the phone.

“Hello, this is Miss Beauchamp”

“Hello Miss Beauchamp, I’m Tammy, a nurse at Mass General we’re calling because you’re listed as the emergency contact for Quentin Beauchamp” a nasally voice croaked through the phone speaker--the voice was impersonal like that of a cashier saying “have a nice day” for the thousandth time, not fitting of a potential harbinger of death.

“Yes…” Claire replied, nervously, questioningly.

“Mr. Lambert was admitted this morning after showing signs of cognitive distress. An initial cat scan shows a mass on his brain. He’s currently undergoing testing to see if it’s cancerous.”

Claire’s lungs felt like they were about to collapse. Lamb had been diagnosed with prostate cancer several years ago, but had been able to live with it through treatment. Claire also knew that cancer was insidious and could spread throughout the body rapidly and without warning. She knew it was very likely that the mass was cancer. She tried to find her medical professional voice, but a diagnosis was different when it was someone you loved. Instead, she croaked out, “when will you know?”

“We should have the results by tomorrow. He’ll stay here overnight for monitoring and we’ll decide whether to admit him long term from there.”

“I’m on Long Island, should I drive up?”

“I’m afraid it’s too soon to tell, it could be nothing, but--” Claire cut her off, knowing exactly how bad it could be.

“I understand. I’ll drive up this evening.”

“Alright, he should be back in his room by then, he’s out getting his tests done now. It’s room 713 when you get here.” Claire wrote the number on a bright blue sticky note on her desk as the nurse spoke. “Have a nice day Ms. Beauchamp”

“Hmm” was all she could reply, as if she could possibly have a nice day. She hung up the phone, and finally let the deluge of tears she’d been holding back free.

She allowed herself to cry for a few minutes to get it out, but she knew she had to get to Boston as soon as possible. She picked up the phone again and dialed the main office.

“Hi Glenda, it’s Claire. I need to take the rest of the day off--I have to go to Boston, my uncle…” she couldn’t say it out loud for fear of unleashing the tears again “Is Principal Gowan there, I need to let him know.”

“Oh Nurse Beauchamp, I’m so sorry to hear that, let me know if you need anything. Mr. Gowan’s in his office, I’ll transfer you to him now, if he doesn’t answer just pack up your things and go, I’ll take care of it”

“Thanks Glenda, I really appreciate it”

----------

After getting the ok from her kind and understanding principal, Claire rushed back to Jamie’s apartment, hastily packed a bag (likely forgetting several things), informed Jenny where she was going--which was met with sympathy and genuine concern--and hopped back in the car for the journey to Boston. She entered the hospital doors several hours later, the buttons of her coat were tangled in her hair as she rushed, breathless, to the front desk to receive her visitor’s pass.

When she arrived at Lamb’s room, he was asleep. She didn’t want to wake him, but she gave his hand a reassuring squeeze to let him know she was there before settling into the armchair beside him to await his awakening. He looked so frail and small in the hospital bed, not at all like the strong, spirited man who had raised her. He had left the television on--some sports channel was playing a highlight reel of various golfing moments. No wonder Lamb fell asleep. Claire was staring at the screen, but her thoughts were elsewhere: worried about Lamb, wondering if she’d remember everything when she hastily packed, wondering what the future held. Would she have to spend Christmas in this hospital room? A golf ball soared across the Scottish Highlands on the screen. Jamie. Jamie was coming home Christmas Eve, she was supposed to pick him up from the airport, supposed to spend her holiday break with him, experience her first Hogmanay with the Murray family, be surrounded by love and laughter and family. Lamb was supposed to be fine, he was supposed to take the train down, spend Christmas with them. Every plan they had made was shattered into a million pieces. Would she even be able to see Jamie? She thought about the presents she’d bought for him, not yet wrapped, piled in the closet but definitely not hidden, especially considering it was his apartment. Of course he’d understand--she could tell him where they were, but the magic of unwrapping would be lost, it would feel entirely unsentimental. It was bad enough that she felt her gifts weren’t sentimental enough--what could she possibly get him to show how special he was to her? How could she communicate that with an object? If she were a painter she would paint him a painting, if she were a songwriter she would write him a song, but she was simply Claire, and practical gifts were all she knew. She had purchased a cozy blue sweater to match his eyes and keep him warm in the brisk London winters, a cool multi-tool the size of a credit card that would fit in his wallet and help him solve a variety of problems, a protective case for his phone, and a box of artisanal beef jerky. She had also procured a complicated piece of lingerie with a big red bow across the chest for him to unwrap the night of Christmas, which she knew he would enjoy. Everything was thoughtful enough and mostly practical, but she longed to be able to give him something truly special--a grand gesture to match her feelings for him. Claire glanced back at her uncle and immediately felt guilty being so selfish. I hate to make this all about me. Lamb always had a knack for helping her realize what was important when life’s situations overwhelmed her. She needed him for perspective, but how could she talk to him about this? How could she tell him how she felt? She knew it was wrong, but she was mad at him for getting sick so close to Christmas. Who am I supposed to talk to? What am I supposed to do if there’s no you? The tears were welling up in her eyes as she watched her most beloved uncle sleep--hooked up to machines, pale and listless in the hospital bed.

Claire slipped into the adjoining bathroom to try to compose herself--she didn’t want her uncle to wake up and see her upset, she knew he would try to comfort her, to be the rock he always had been for her. She was here to be his rock this time, she needed to stay strong for him. She looked at herself in the mirror, telling herself it was going to be ok--her uncle was strong and he’d been fighting a long time--he’d continue to fight. Soon you’ll get better. She had to convince herself it was true, pretend it wasn’t real, it wasn’t so bad. She knew it was a delusion, she could see it all over her glass face when she looked in the mirror. She was genuinely afraid that this could be when she lost him, if not physically right away, he could be lost mentally. She’d been hoping for years he would get better, but now it seemed he’d taken a turn for the worse. She took a few deep breaths and offered up a prayer. She wasn’t usually religious, but they say desperate people find faith, so she decided it was time to try. God? Jesus? Whoever is up there. I know I don’t much deserve anything from you, I’m not sure I’m exactly on good terms with you, but I’m inclined to believe you care and you are good. Besides, I’m not really asking anything for myself, not really. I just pray my Uncle is ok, I pray he gets better. He has to. Please don’t take his brilliant mind away from him. Please let him be ok. Please, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever it takes to help him. Just please, please, don’t take him away from me. I need him. Please let him get better. Please let him get better. Claire continued to repeat the words like a mantra as she returned to her bedside chair. She stared at the collection of orange bottles on the tray table. Please let them help him get better. Please let him get better. Please, please, please let him get better.

Claire had no idea how long she sat there, repeating those words to herself, but her silent appeal was interrupted when a nurse entered the room to check her uncle’s vitals.

“Hi, I’m Brenda, I’ll be the nurse on duty tonight.” Brenda erased a name on a small whiteboard in front of the room and replaced it with her own.

“I’m Claire, I’m his niece.”

Brenda had made her way over to the other side of the bed and was checking the monitors beside the bed, making notes on the chart in her hand. “I hate waking them up, but I’m going to have to.” Claire was glad that she was much kinder than the nurse she had spoken with on the phone earlier—had that really been earlier? It seemed much longer since that phone call. “Excuse me, Quentin? Sir?” Brenda gently nudged his arm to awaken him. Lamb’s eyes fluttered open and he looked disoriented, Claire watched him carefully hoping that his disorientation was solely from being awoken mid-sleep and not from any neurological damage.

“Hi Uncle Lamb” Claire stammered, hoping she sounded cheerful anyway.

“Claire! My girl! You came all the way to see your old uncle!”

“Of course I did! How are you?” she replied warmly.

“Oh, I’m fine, they’re taking good care of me here.” Lamb’s voice sounded genuinely content and Claire felt comforted for the first time since the hospital had called her earlier that day.

“Hello sir, my name’s Brenda, I’ll be your nurse tonight. I just need to ask you a few questions and check your vitals.”

“What is your name?”

“Quentin Lambert Beauchamp”

“Good. When is your birthday?

“March 23th, 1939”

“Good, and who is the president?”

“Well, unfortunately…” both Claire and Brenda giggled at how Lamb began his sentence. Claire was well aware of Lamb’s opinions of the current president of the United States, and was glad to see he hadn’t lost his sly sense of humor or his disdain for the man. She was also glad he knew who the president was, hopefully his mental capacities were more promising than the worst-case-scenario her mind was conjuring.

----------

Claire stayed by her uncle’s side for the rest of the night, only leaving the room twice, once to find something to eat from a vending machine, and once for her nightly call to Jamie. She allowed herself to break down when talking to Jamie, sobbing over the phone. Jamie did his best to comfort her through the speaker, desperately wishing he could be there for her in person. Claire wished the same, longing to curl up in his strong embrace, and bury her swollen face in his chest. She couldn’t bring up the fact that she might have to spend Christmas in Boston. She was enough of a mess without facing the reality that they wouldn’t see each other, and when Jamie promised they’d see each other soon at the end of their call, Claire hung up quickly as another wave of emotion overtook her and she buried her face in her hands to cry some more.

The next morning, the doctor came in with Lamb’s results. Claire grasped Lamb’s hand, unsure of who was holding onto whom for comfort as the doctor explained that the mass on Lamb’s brain was in fact cancerous, but it was still relatively small and had been caught early. He explained that they could operate on it and remove it, however there was no guarantee that it wouldn’t come back or that they’d be able to get it all out. It was moments like these where Claire desperately wished she was already a surgeon, that she could feel in control of the outcome--though could she operate on her own uncle? Would she be able to hold her hand steady enough to do a good job? No, perhaps it was best left to the veteran surgeons in Boston.

After discussing all the details and options with the doctor’s, Lamb decided to go through with the surgery. It was scheduled for the day after Christmas and Claire resigned herself to the sobering fact that she’d be spending the holidays in the hospital. As the florescent hospital lights lit the room with an unnatural glow, Claire couldn’t tell him she was scared. She had to stay strong, she had to keep it together and remain positive and supportive.

----------

Claire spent the next few days devoted to her uncle, rarely leaving his bedside. Lamb had forced her to spend the nights at his apartment, which was probably for the best. She wasn’t sleeping well to begin with and the recliner at the hospital was only making matters worse. Claire was present and doting on him from morning to night though, helping her uncle order his meals, assisting him when he needed to use the restroom, adding and removing pillows and blankets as needed, or anything else he needed or wanted. Lamb had been moved to the cancer floor, and the window of his new room had a nice view of the Boston skyline. Lamb was making the best of a bad deal, he bragged about his ‘luxury accommodations’, he cracked jokes often, he liked the nicer nurses, he ordered extra dessert with all his meals and was in generally pleasant spirits. Claire could see the cracks in his cognition though. Sometimes he would change the topic he was discussing mid-sentence, and he couldn’t seem to keep time straight. Whenever anyone would mention Christmas, he would act surprised to know that it was coming up, and at one point he hinted at Claire that she might just get those roller skates she wanted for Christmas, a gift she had not asked for since she was eleven years old. He didn’t seem to know what year it was or how old Claire was. He did know who Claire was though, and for that she was thankful. He also knew who the president was whenever the nurses asked, always beginning his answer with a short preamble to make known his disdain.

Before they knew it, it was Christmas Eve and Claire couldn’t hide the sadness she felt on her face. She was glad to spend the evening with Lamb, but she had been looking forward to her first big family Christmas. She had filled in Jamie about Lamb’s condition and her subsequent stay in Boston over the course of their phone calls that week. She had also describe the Christmas gifts she had purchased for the Murrays, Jo, and Lamb, so Jamie would know the rest were for him. Jamie had agreed to put the Murrays gifts in gift bags and distribute them for her. They were meant to exchange family gifts that evening, the morning being reserved for Santa, and Claire was heartbroken to be missing out. In a matter of hours, and for the first time in two months, her and Jamie would be on the same continent, yet they wouldn’t be able to see each other. There was no way Claire could get into the Christmas spirit under these conditions. The hospital, despite being modestly decorated, was not the most festive atmosphere. Even a troop of Girl Scouts caroling their way through the hospital halls did nothing to assuage the weight of losing everything Claire had been looking forward to for the past two months.

“What’s a matter, my dear?” Lamb asked, showing genuine concern for his niece.

“It’s nothing, I’m fine, I promise, I’m just wishing things were different today.”

“Why today? Is it something special? I can’t seem to remember.”

“It’s Christmas Eve. You were supposed to come to Long Island and meet Jamie. We were going to spend the holiday with his family.”

“Yes, I remember, that’s today? Oh dear, I haven’t gotten your gift yet I’m afraid.”

“That’s fine, Lamb, I’m afraid I left your gift at home, so we’ll have to do that part later. We can take a raincheck on gift exchanging. I was just really looking forward to you getting to know Jamie.”

“I’m sure I’ll meet the lad soon; he seems really special to you.”

“He is; I know you’ll like him.”

“I already do.” He patted the top of her hand and turned his attention back to the sitcom on the television, providing humorous commentary to try to cheer Claire up.

----------

It was late Christmas morning. Uncle Lamb was napping again and Claire had switched the television to the Hallmark Channel--usually her guilty pleasure this season, today it was simply reminding her of how her Christmas was proving to be less than magical. For her there would be no Christmas kisses, no magical snowfall, no saving the small town family business or learning to love Christmas again. All that awaited her this Christmas were fluorescent lights, beeping monitors, and nurses visiting every 6 hours to check her uncle’s vitals. This Christmas would be decidedly the most un-magical she had ever experienced. She had had her share of unconventional Christmases in the past, in fact, she never really was a Christmas person, but it had started to feel special to her when she was living in New York. This Christmas though--this was one she was looking forward to more than ever before. Claire spent most of the morning crying, grieving over all she was missing. She should have spent the morning curled up in Jamie’s arms, watching the children open presents. She could picture the Murray’s living room, trashed with colorful wrapping paper from end to end, each child in their own private world fascinated by their latest favorite toy, Jenny and Ian beaming through tired eyes.

Claire was surprised Jamie hadn’t called her to fill her in on the details yet. He had called yesterday when his plane arrived--groggy and jet-lagged, his communication skills were not the most eloquent, but he tried his best to make her feel better. She hadn’t heard from him at all this morning though, not even a Merry Christmas text. Surely the jet lag would have woken him up as early as the children, and they must have been done opening presents by now. Claire tried to rationalize that Jamie was just spending time with his family, but she couldn’t help feeling hurt and ignored. She thought she was important enough to him that he could take a moment away from his family to at least text her, or to find some way to make her feel included from afar. Had his feelings changed in their months apart? Did coming home to a messy apartment turn him off? Did she find his Christmas gifts and come to think she didn’t care enough to get him something more thoughtful? She thought about calling him, but a mixture of pride and fear kept her from acting first, not to mention she couldn’t stop crying over these sappy Christmas movies.

Suddenly, a voice from the doorway rang through the room, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!” Claire looked up in confusion, momentarily unable to comprehend her surroundings and the disruption that had just entered them. Santa? No. The tall figure filling the door frame was dressed like Santa, beard and all, but the unmistakable Scottish burr gave away his true identity. If Claire hadn’t already been crying, she certainly was now. Jamie was standing in the doorway, dressed in a Santa suit, carrying a large, blue IKEA bag overflowing with wrapped presents and what appeared to be Christmas decorations.

“What?” Claire could hardly believe he was there, she rose from the chair and the couple met in the middle of the room for a hearty embrace. Claire buried her face in the soft, fluffy suit covering Jamie’s chest, sobbing uncontrollably. Perhaps the setting wasn’t a snow covered street in a small town, but this was her own Hallmark movie moment--and to be honest, those Hallmark guys had nothing on James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser. Jamie held her close, and tight, planting kisses in her curls and whispering softly to her.

“I’m here, mo nighean donn.” He caressed her shoulders with his thumbs, not releasing his embrace in the slightest, breathing in her scent, trying to absorb her fears and pain.

All of the commotion had awoken Uncle Lamb and after witnessing the couples’ embrace for longer than was comfortable, Lamb loudly cleared his throat to remind them of his presence in the room.

“Uncle Lamb!” Claire unfolded herself from Jamie’s embrace, keeping one arm around his back. Jamie sheepishly pulled the fake beard down around his neck to reveal his face and removed his Santa hat, clutching it tightly in the palm that wasn’t holding Claire. “This is Jamie, my Jamie. Jamie, this is my Uncle Lamb.”

“Well, I’m certainly glad it’s not Santa Claus, or we’d have a lot of explaining to do to the lad!” Lamb chuckled back.

“A pleasure to finally meet you, sir.” Jamie reluctantly released Claire from his grasp to step beside the bed, extending a firm but gentle hand to Lamb. “I’m sorry it’s not under better circumstances.”

“Pleased to meet you as well, lad” Lamb replied, patting Jamie’s hand with his before releasing their handshake. “And don’t you worry about me, I have the best nurse there is taking care of me.” Two sets of proudly smiling eyes met Claire across the room.

“Oh I dinna doubt it for a second. Your niece is a rare woman.”

“Glad to see we’re in agreement. Now what’s all that?” Lamb gestured towards the large tote discarded near Claire’s feet.

“Aye, I thought I’d bring you two a bit o’ holiday cheer.” Jamie pulled a large cardboard box from the bag and extracted a small tabletop Christmas tree from it, unfurling each branch carefully and placing it on the countertop across the room, plugging it in to reveal fiber optic lights changing colors dreamily. “I usually insist on my Christmas trees being more, well, alive, but under the circumstances this’ll have tae do.” Jamie and Claire spent the next half hour or so festooning the room in garlands and placing tiny ornaments on the small tree. Claire tried to ignore that more than half of the bag was filled with brightly wrapped gifts, not sure whether she was hoping they were all for her, or hoping that they weren’t. After all, she didn’t have anything to give him and she didn’t know if he had looked through his gifts yet nor if he had appreciated them.

While they decorated, Jamie filled Claire and Lamb in on the events of the last few days. Jamie had called Jenny to tell her not to bother picking him up from the airport. He had planned on renting a car there and driving straight to Boston. Claire could hear Jenny’s voice loud and clear through Jamie’s imitation “ya clotheid! Have ya gone daft? Yer barely able to form coherent sentences amidst the jet lag from yer Christmas Eve flight, and ya wanna drive five hours tae Boston in that state!?! Claire willna appreciate ya ending up in a ditch on the side of the road as a Christmas present ya eejit!” Jenny had made a fair point, and Jamie had agreed to sleep at home and left shortly after he awoke that morning, staying only long enough for the children to open their stockings, and to watch their faces alight with surprise at the sudden appearance of piles of presents under and around the tree.

“I’m glad you took Jenny’s advice, but most of all I’m glad you’re here.” She embraced him again. “You didn’t have to do this though, Jamie, I know how important your family is to you.”

Jamie stepped back and lifted Claire’s chin with his thumb, looking into her eyes. “You are important to me, Sassenach.” he replied, with a sincerity that penetrated Claire’s heart. Claire responded by kissing Jamie chastely on the cheek, knowing her uncle was only four feet away--politely trying to ignore them and watch the television which he had flipped to an all-day marathon of A Christmas Story on repeat. Jamie’s welcome intrusion broke up the monotony of hospital life and seemed to give Lamb a better sense of what day it was.

“Now that we’ve got the place looking good and festive, I believe it’s traditional to exchange gifts on Christmas day.”

“Jamie, it’s too much, I--”

“Oh? Thought they were all for you, didja Sassenach?” he teased. Claire blushed. Of course; she hadn’t really--but who else would they be for? Surely Jamie wouldn’t spoil Lamb, a complete stranger to him, quite so much, and no one else was there. She looked dumbfounded as she tried to come up with a defense but Jamie stopped her. “Dinna fash, Sassenach, Jenny wrapped your gifts for me and Lamb before I could see and I bought them along too. She thanks ya for the wee lotions, by the way.”

“God bless Jenny! That woman is a Saint.” Claire also silently thanked God that she had left the present she was planning on wearing for Jamie that evening in her dresser drawer, that was not a gift she wanted Jenny to see, and was definitely not something she wanted him to be opening in front of her uncle.

The three exchanged gifts, save Lamb, who had nothing to give but smiles and approval for the young couples’ thoughtful gifts. Jamie was genuinely appreciative of Claire’s gifts, although she kept insisting that she hadn’t finished shopping and there was more to come; to which Jamie humbly rejected, claiming it wasn’t necessary. Jamie’s gifts to Claire were thoughtful and meaningful, the most touching ones being a print of a painting of the rose garden he had ordered from the Botanic Garden’s gift shop and a bracelet engraved with the words perennis amor, which caused Claire to tear up and embrace him tenderly in spite of her uncle’s presence.

The three enjoyed the rest of the day thoroughly. A Christmas Story played in the background and they laughed and shared stories with one another. Jamie was a born storyteller and Lamb was elated to have a fresh audience to recount his many adventures to, so conversation flowed naturally between them, with Claire occasionally interjecting. Claire mostly just sat back and admired the two men who were most important to her, filled with joy that they were getting along, that Jamie was there, that it was Christmas. For the first time in several days she had hope and peace. She was surrounded by love in that hospital room as well. She had all the things Christmas was said to bring, and for that she was grateful. Jamie had made her greatest Christmas wishes come true without her even asking and she felt lucky to be alive.

The hospital staff served their version of Christmas dinner for the small family, and while Claire was sure it paled in comparison to whatever Jenny had made, it was quite delicious, especially considering it was hospital food. Jamie ate in the armchair next to Lamb at Claire’s insistence, since the two were deep in conversation, and Claire sat in the chair on the other side of Jamie, taking in her magical Christmas scene, better than any Hallmark movie could depict.

After dinner, Jamie was fading fast, listening to one of Lamb’s stories with heavy eyes. She took one of the spare blankets and covered Jamie. “Looks like you’re still not over your jet lag”

“Hrmmphh, I ‘spose not.”

“Do you want me to go get you a coffee? I doubt the cafe downstairs is open today, but there’s a cappuccino vending machine a few floors down that isn’t terrible.”

“Aye Sassenach, that’d be bonny. If it’s not too much trouble.”

“None at all, my love, I’ll be back soon.” Claire squeezed his hand before leaving the two men alone.

Jamie listened to her footsteps down the hall, and waited until he heard the ding of the elevator before he cleared his throat to speak frankly to Lamb. He sat up straight in the chair to ward off the sleepiness, having a few important things he wanted to say before Claire came back.

“Lamb, I need you to know, Claire is the most important person in my life. I love her sae much and I’d do anything for her.”

“I’m glad to hear that, I can see how happy you make her. She lights up when you’re around, it comforts my old heart to see.”

“I need you tae know, I’m very serious about her. I ken we haven’t been together that long, but I know--I know deep in my wame that I’m meant tae be hers. I want ya to know that I intend on spending the rest of my life making her happy, and while I havna bought a ring or ennathing yet, I wanted to ask yer blessing” Jamie paused for a moment before adding, “just in case.”

“Of course you have my blessing, son. I couldn’t be more glad to know that Claire will be so well cared for after I’m gone, truly.” Both men looked somber, knowing full well that this could be their last conversation, hoping dearly that it wasn’t. Claire returned with three cappuccinos in hand, surprised by the mood in the room.

“Everything alright, gentlemen? Don’t tell me Ralphie shot his eye out!”

“Och! Everything’s fine, Claire! I’m just tired is all, I’m sure this wee cappuccino will cure me in no time!” replied Jamie, eagerly taking a cup from Claire as she set another on Lamb’s tray table. The rest of the evening was quiet as Jamie took a nap, while Lamb and Claire watched A Christmas Story more intently then they had all day. Claire didn’t want to leave him alone so early on Christmas so she let Jamie nap until Lamb was asleep soundly for the night. The sense of joy she had felt all day was still present, but the nagging worry she felt about Lamb’s coming surgery was starting to settle in as well. Claire woke Jamie gently and Claire whispered softly to Lamb that they’d return in the morning, squeezing his hand before the couple quietly left the room.

----------

They walked out to Jamie’s car, since he still had his stuff packed in it, but Claire drove them back to Lamb’s apartment where she’d been staying. The cappuccino was helping Jamie stay coherent, but he was in no state to drive. They were quiet on the drive home, but kept their hands locked between the seats, grateful just to be in the presence of one another.

When they arrived at Lamb’s apartment, Jamie was so tired, he didn’t even want to brush his teeth, let alone do any of his usual nightly routines. However, he had spent the morning sweating in a polyester Santa suit over his clothes, and although he took it off shortly after his surprise arrival, he felt in need of a shower. Claire showed him where the bathroom was and made sure he had everything he needed, and got herself ready for bed.

Jamie showered quickly, not bothering to wash his hair, and only cleaning the parts of his body where any stench would be most concentrated, figuring the water would take care of the rest. A few minutes later, he emerged from the bathroom with a towel around his waist, ready to collapse into bed, but not before embracing his sorcha. He scooped her into his embrace and she buried her face in his bare, firm chest, warm from the shower. He smelled clean, and fresh and most of like Jamie. “I’m so happy you’re with me, Jamie. You have no idea how much it means to me that you’re here.” the emotions of the day hit her again and her voice caught at the end of her sentence as tears filled her eyes once again. Jamie kissed her forehead softly, down to her nose, and landed on her lips, giving her the firm, passionate kiss they’d both been longing for all day--and for months before that.

“Mo cridhe.” Jamie breathed when they separated. “I’m here. I’ll always be here for you. I’ll no’ leave you alone when ya need me.”

“Oh Jamie” Claire was still crying, “I’ve been so worried. I’ve been trying to stay strong for Lamb, but I feel like this won’t go back to normal--if there ever was a normal with him. I’m scared he’s going to get worse, or--” her sentence dissolved into a fit of sobs, which she tried to stifle on Jamie’s shoulder.

“You don’t have to stay strong when you’re with me. I’ll be here to help you shoulder the burden. I’ll be here to soak up your tears. There’s two of us now, Claire.” He pressed a kiss into her curls. “You can feel your feelings now, mo cridhe. Lay your cares on me. Come now, let’s get ya tae bed. I’m no’ sure how much longer I can stand myself.”

Claire fell asleep wrapped safely in Jamie’s embrace, free to be herself fully. Free to be vulnerable she felt safe, she felt loved, she felt comfortable, and most new to her--she felt she had the hope and strength that she could carry on, no matter what was to come. She slept better than she had in weeks, secure in the embrace of her eternal love.

End Notes: Thanks again for reading!! By the way, the Ingrid Michaelson song Jo mentions is hauntingly beautiful and you should listen to it. Also, I hope you liked Jamie's surprise. This was going to be a lot more angsty of a chapter but Jamie refused to let Claire suffer and had other plans. I know this was full of a lot of emotional ups and downs, and hopefully we can all find some comfort in the fact that just because Christmas/the holidays may look different for a lot of us this year, it can still be special, and there's still light, joy, love, hope, and peace to be found in the midst of the darkness.

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buffyversefanfiction · 3 years

Text

Slayer of Slayers

Warnings:I do not own, nor do I claim to own any of the copyright or characters within the Buffyverse which includes but not limited to the television shows Buffy and Angel, as well as the Darkhorse comics series’ continuation.

15+ Strong to moderate violence, Graphic to mild descriptions of gore, and torture, sexually charged scenes, sexual innuendos, mild to strong language, and practices of witchcraft.

M/M, F/F, M/F, GEN, OTHER +

PART NINE LINK HERE

Part Ten: Prophecy's Boy

Theo Frey’s affiliation with the first slayer was a strange one, his entire life mission was to become a slayer to eradicate all slayers, especially his birth mother Buffy Summers, and yet during a prehistoric time when everything and everyone was stripped away from him he had reluctantly formed some form of friendship with the primeval Sineya, bonding through their chaotic creation and so he joined her on some of her adventures in slaying until he was brought back to the present time, back to his current grievances, and surrounded by those ready for him to take his revenge. Theo never realized how deeply Sineya impacted her life until he saw her spirit on vampire island, her serving as a reminder to him of a simpler time where he lived his life without vengeance and how that led him to do good alongside the first slayer until he returned to evil crutches of vampire Drusilla and as the vampire/slayer hybrid stood right next to the unopened Hellmouth in the caves of vampire island, being surrounded by an undead army, he couldn’t help but think of the time he spent with Sineya. “They only call you a king because they do not truly know what you really are neither do you yet,” Sineya said to him through her telepathic ways, her words piercing his mind as she appeared as a spirit only, he could see, standing next to him. “Slayer of slayers is just another name, Theo, nothing but a name but none are what you really are…this is now what you truly are.” Theo looked around at his undead army to see if anyone else could see the first slayer knowing deep down that she was only appearing to him, appealing to a good side of him he thought he could bury forever, as she urged him to not bring about the end of the world, to change his ways, and accept his true destiny. “They need to pay they need to all pay!” Theo shouted, grabbing the attention of his fellow vampires who instantly cheered him on, believing that his words were words of war before he would proceed to open the Hellmouth. “They have paid the price already, as have you, and even her…there’s nothing left to pay except your destiny, and this is not it!” The primeval one replied to him telepathically with her cryptic words being said in his mind. “Your blood and your blood alone will open the mouth of hell, but you are so much more than your blood, a prophecy has been calling you long before your birth it is up to you if you want to continue ignoring it for a mission of vengeance or if you want to become what you were truly created to be.” Suddenly, Sineya’s spirit disappeared once again as Buffy, Faith, Angel, Spike, Illyria, Xander, Ruby, and Giles ran into the caves to meet Theo and his army, all equipped with weapons and ready to go to war if needed to stop Theo from opening the Hellmouth, as the slayer of slayer realized that one way or another, he was not making it out of Vampire Island alive…

Theo and his dedicated team of vampires fought against Buffy, Faith, Angel, Spike, Illyria, Xander, Ruby, and Giles viciously as Theo himself went head to head with the blue-haired goddess Illyria, the one who killed his undead lover Tobias, throwing a series of punches and kicks at the old one, making little to no impact, before Illyria proceeded to fight back against the slayer of slayers gaining the upper hand with ease as she showed her superior strength while beating Theo into submission as he fell to the ground, ready to be killed by the same woman who had killed the love of his life, but Angel quickly left his ongoing fight to rush over to his son’s side, eager to save him from being killed by Illyria. “He is my son Illyria, please do not kill my son.” Angel pleaded with his friend, who reluctantly began to walk away from both Angel and Theo before taking to fight in the ongoing war surrounding them. “I may have your DNA or whatever but you’re not my father, you never raised me as my dad did, you weren’t there like he was, and you will never take his place.” Theo snapped at his undead father as he slowly got back to his feet, bruised, and bloodied from injuries he had sustained in his fight against the blue-haired goddess. “You look pretty beaten up; she really did a number on you huh?” Angel replied, choosing to ignore his son’s cruel words. “I know you a slaypire or whatever now but somehow you managed to keep your soul, I’ve never heard of a vampire doing that before I mean I have a soul, but I’m cursed…literally. Yet again you are also the first male slayer, which is another mystery.” “We’ve come too far to stop now my army will not stop until my blood opens that Hellmouth over there…unless there is no blood to be spilled,” Theo responded, as he began to realize that he still had the chance to do the right thing, something which was only validated when the spirit of the primeval slayer appeared to him once again, this time standing next to Angel, who was oblivious of her presence. This time Sineya did not have to communicate telepathically with the slayer of slayers because the look on her face told Theo everything he had to know, her look told him that he had forced a destiny on himself that was never truly meant to be and now all he was left to do was decide whether he let that same destiny lead to him destroying the world or if he was able to do the right thing for the first time, as he suddenly began to finally feel his own humanity beginning to creep back in, as he felt all the pain and suffering he caused to his many victims, through his many evil deeds, as he concluded there was the only way to make up any kind of penance for the monster he had become. “You are right,” Theo admitted to the spirit of Sineya, confusing an unknowing Angel in the process. “There’s only one way my blood cannot be spilled and that is if there is none.” Theo quickly grabbed the wooden stake he spotted in Angel’s jacket pocket and plunged it into his own chest knowing that turning to dust was the only solution out of the hell he would otherwise cause onto this world, leaving his biological father Angel in a state of pure shock and horror as he screamed out “No” with the strength of all his voice, catching Buffy’s attention who turned away from her fight just in time to watch alongside Angel as the son they shared together turned to dust before their very eyes. Suddenly, a red smoke, like the one that had turned Theo into a slayer, formed above Theo’s ashes before it began to spread itself throughout the cave growing bigger as it did so, proceeding to attack, ingest, violate, and turn Theo’s undead army into bursts of flames before they eventually turned to dust leaving Buffy, Angel, and their friends stunned by their bittersweet victory, one that came at a great cost.

The End…NOT

“Hello?” Theo called out as he walked into a darkly lit rundown bar, before noticing a sign saying Willy’s Place, as he proceeded to walk over to the bar counter noticing the place was completely empty, the vibe completely dead, as he began to wonder if this was hell, heaven, or something in-between, when suddenly he felt a warm feeling rush through him, that which felt like love in its purest form and as he turned out he was shocked to find a woman stood behind him, with the softest smile he had ever seen. “You may not know me but I’m your grandmother, from your mother’s side.” Joyce greeted her stepson, the two have never met before. “I know this all must be very confusing for you but I’m here to help while I can.” “Not to be rude or anything but are you not supposed to be like dead or something?” Theo replied as he struggled to get his head around whatever the hell was going on. “Well yes, but then again so are you.” Joyce laughed off innocently. “You know you look a lot like your father, but you have your mother’s heart, no matter how much you try to hide it and that smile of yours is truly beautiful I just wish there were more opportunities for you to show the world that smile.” “They are not my parents; my parents died a long time ago and I am sorry, but you are not my grandmother either.” Theo snapped at his biological grandmother, although his snap was nowhere near as bitter as it once was. “Is this hell?” “No honey it is not hell nor is it heaven, consider this your second chance,” Joyce informed him cryptically. “You walked a path you were never meant to walk and the powers that be are just trying to get you back onto the right path, instead of fighting for another destiny why not try embracing the one that’s already yours?” Theo had no idea what Joyce Summers meant by her words but before he could ask her, he found himself magically being transported from Willy’s Place in the now non-existent Sunnydale to the rundown Hyperion Hotel in Los Angeles, where he walked into the lobby to find a beautiful dark blonde-haired woman stood behind the reception desk with a bright smile on her face that told him she was expecting him. “So, you are my guy’s second son I get vampires normally do not have to worry about you know condoms and stuff, but you’d think after the first son tried to kill, he’d wrap it up from there on out but then again if he’s not worried about losing his soul then he’s probably now worrying about impregnating people.” Cordelia Chase said, greeting Theo as he walked over to her. “You’re all kinds of messed up perhaps more so than Connor and he was raised in a freaking hell dimension by some unhinged hunter who very rudely blew up my friend’s club with us in it nonetheless but hey at least you’re not as bad as Angelus now that is the part of your father that you do not want to take after!” “So, which ghost from Buffy or Angel’s past are you then? Are you Angel’s mother?” Theo asked Cordelia, much to her own disgust, which was clear on her face, making Theo realize she must have been a former lover. “Oh, so you’re not Darla which I doubt because Connor’s her son…leaving you being none other than pretty little rich girl turned high being broke bitch miss Cordelia Chase. I must admit of all the stories I heard about the infamous scooby gang, yours were always the most amusing!” “Well, I guess you got your daddy’s brains, and his looks tell me which part of you is Buffy?” Cordelia wondered. “None I hope!” Theo quickly responded, making Cordelia cackle. “Good one sniveling little cry Buffy is more than enough for my liking.” Cordelia joked with the son of the man she once loved, before going on to hand Theo a room key. “A little friendly warning this guy is no friend of your mum or dads so be wary also his face is all kinds of yuck but hey we’re supposed to give you the full unbiased experience but seriously his face is not going to be easy on your pretty little eyes.”

“So, you are the son of the slayer and Angelus…I have been expecting you, my boy.” The Master announced as Theo walked into the hotel room to find the legendary vampire stood waiting to introduce himself. “From your actions, you are more of Angelus’ child than Angel’s which pleases me immensely to know the girl who slew me now has a beast within her own bloodline. However, I hope there is some of the slayer's DNA in you too after all she was the only one to ever beat me.” “You must be The Master, Dru mentioned you once or twice there sure is a lot of hype about you in your heyday you know before Buffy beat you like some newbie vamp,” Theo replied, mocking the master of vampires. “Tobias bought into all that hype but me not so much…so why the hell are you the latest stop on my supernatural soul train?” “You have this arrogance about you that most definitely reminds me of your mother but unlike her you have been beaten time and time again, therefore, making this arrogance of yours truly unearned.” The Master responded, taking a swipe at the son of the slayer in the process. “Mummy spanked you so hard you turned to dust, I think it’s about time you lose the attitude when in the presence of someone who earned their legacy in this world and the next!” “Now don’t start talking about spanking unless your intent is to turn me on.” Theo recklessly flirted with the infamous vampire. “You have what I call a pillow face, but I can work with it if you want to get freaky…” “Right!” Anya Jenkins shouted before storming into the hotel room, The Master quickly vanishing out of sight the moment Anya entered the room. “I’m taking into this appointment because that is just seriously unsettling, and I’d rather not metaphorically spew all over Buffy’s boy as I try to knock some sense into you.” “Oh, great another bloody ghost from their past!” Theo complained as he turned to face the former vengeance demon, quickly becoming tired of whatever the hell was going on around him. “I’m Anya formerly known as Anyanka formerly known as a vengeance demon, one of the best vengeance demons actually then I almost married your mother’s friend Xander until you know he ditched me at the altar and long before he knocked up the little brat we used to babysit,” Anya answered him, clearly unamused with Xander’s choice of partner to co-parent with. “Now I’m just Anya an ally to the powers that be, who’d have thought it…certainly not me anyway.” “Here’s the thing, I’m growing really tired of this bullshit, and after sacrificing myself for I guess the greater good I could really just do with a nap or something. I am so not in the mood for whatever is going on here nor do I give a damn that your man dumped you for someone younger it happens love get over it!” Theo quickly dismissed the former vengeance. “Sorry that your dead but I’m dead too so how about you go haunt the living? I suggest that knucklehead builder who broke your heart especially considering he has a thing for building prisons now and needs a good little scare for that alone.” “Listen here you little snot-nosed slayer, vamp, brat! I am over a thousand years old, and I will not be spoken to that by someone who is technically an error on human history.” Anya snapped back at the slayer of slayers. “Go get yourself a drink or something! Let someone else deal with you, I’m asking for a pay raise…come to think of it, does money still smell as good as it used to?” As Theo became more and more convinced that he was in hell, Anya took the look on his disapproving face to say he wasn’t going to answer her question, and instead of sticking around to force it out of him, she proceeded to leave the hotel room eager to get back to her own afterlife knowing that the next person to visit Theo would definitely be able to put up with his attitude better than she could, or rather was willing to.

Theo didn’t hang around for long before he decided to search for this infamous hotel bar that Anya had suggested to him, wondering if there was even a bar within this rundown, seemingly abandoned place, but after going up and down several floors he finally found the bar the former vengeance demon was referring to as he opened the door, walked through, and suddenly found himself transported to the dive bar he shared with Tobias, only Tobias was not behind the bar, a mousy blonde-haired woman was, a bewitching beauty. “It’s funny the places you wind up when you are not even going in that direction or at least so you thought. It’s hard to accept new paths that are laid out for you but sooner or later you just got to, or you spend forever unhappy and forever’s a very long time.” Tara Maclay informed Theo as he walked over to the bar counter, trying to work out who this bartender was and why they were in some dream-world version of his home. “I much prefer this bar to the last one I’ll give you that,” Theo admitted as he sat down on a barstool and waited for Tara to pour him a glass of whisky on the rocks, to which he quickly downed in one gulp upon being served it. “Which ghost of Buffy and Angel’s past are you?” “I was once Tara, now I’m something else entirely, I am no longer her, and yet her memories remain. It’s funny how they don’t tell you about that when you become a higher being nor do they tell you that despite how much you want to you can never truly reclaim your past, you can never truly get back to where you really want to be.” Tara revealed to the slayer of slayers, as Theo remembered a conversation, he had with Willow about a woman she had love and lost, and how her name was Tara. “I know she feels the same way,” Theo reassured her in a rare act of kindness, as he reached out to hold her hand to comfort the clearly saddened spirit. “See that’s the kindness, that’s signs of your soul, one that was too powerful to be destroyed by demons or anything else that has been thrown at you.” Tara genuinely replied as Theo took his hand back, uncomfortable by showing what he considered to be a weakness but was actually just plain old sympathy. “You have been fighting on the wrong side for all the wrong reasons Theo and I know you know that now even if you don’t want to admit it to yourself you want redemption, more than that you need it.” “Even if you were right, I’m dead now all done and dusted far too late to even try redeeming myself for all the terrible things I have done,” Theo replied, not wanting to admit to the former witch turned higher being that she was right, that he did want redemption, that he wanted to amend for the things he has done, that he had finally seen the error of his ways, and his hatred was placed in all the wrong places. “Oh, sweetie you’re not dead you’re just on a time out, which is sort of over now,” Tara replied before Tristan found himself being transported one last time, only this time he had been transported back to vampire island, to the very spot he had staked himself, standing in his own leftover ashes as he looked around the abandoned caves more confused than ever before as he tried to work out what he had just experienced, why he was back on that island, and what would happen next. “I told you there was another destiny for you, my friend,” Sineya revealed telepathically as her words once again pierced their way into Theo’s mind after her spirit appeared in front of the former slayer of slayers. “And now it has begun…you are no longer the slayer of slayers or the vampire with a soul intact, now you are at one with the very demon itself, this is your destiny!”

The End…of Volume One

Volume one - Slayer of Slayers Master List Link Here

VOLUME 2 COMING SOON...

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apenapaperandadoofus · 3 years

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Wow holy shit i love you a lot. Like why are you the purest bean on this planet? I mean, what have I done to be recognized by someone as lovely and cool as you. You literally make me feel good all the time and you love me unconditionally and i-- you're also hella relatable like I don't understand why you're my biggest mood™ I'm living life and here you are my soul twin just popping up in my life. I sometimes feel like I'm not good enough to know you but I do so that is the greatest thing. I wanna protecc you 8ever. To be honest I view you as one of my tumblr sisters and I don't just hand that out to anyone.

Anyways I'm doing this via ask bc everyone needs to see you being gushed over so maybe it'll encourage others to step up and smother you with the love you deserve uwu

Aight so tumblr went screw ya and deleted like three paragraphs I had written about how much I absolutely adore you but since it's you I don't mind writing them again

YOU. ARE. AMAZING

I seriously cannot believe how lucky I am to have met someone like you, you're honestly such a kind and warm person I just- you're seriously like the order sibling I never had (I've always wanted an older sibling PFT)

You deserve all the love and happiness in the world, thank you so much for being my tumblr sister (つ≧▽≦)つ

I feel like it's me that doesn't deserve all your love and it's just- IDK WHAT I DID TO DESERVE IT AKSJSHSHS you always make my day even better and it's just honesty I love you a lot!!!

Also you had no right to make me blush like that AKSBSHSHSHS honestly I feel like I'm about to cry from happiness this is such a sweet message and you're such a precious cinnamon roll 💕 I'm also super close to just sticking this to my fridge, it's a lovely message and I have to admit getting pampered feels great :P but also because this just makes me super happy, and I feel like I can read this whenever I feel down and instantly feel better.

You are seriously an amazing person, I know i keep repeating it but you're just so cute and awesome! You care so much for everyone and you're always able to get a smile on my face :D

Thank you so much for your friendship. I really really luv you a lot alright? Along with a thousand other people who are so friggen lucky to have you in their lives!!!

And you're completely right about us being soul twins, it's just like the red string of fate except with friends!

Seriously I really appreciate and adore you, never ever change and always remember that you're an amazing person!

꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡

#api talks #youre so adorable istg ahshshshbssb #i almost cried reading the message >\\\<#youre the kindest person ever and i love you very veey much! 💕💕💕💕

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zodiacsun · 3 years

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i literally tear up every time i think too much about how much i love my boyfriend. he is the purest soul i’ve ever met and just wow i’m sososooooo lucky

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thinkyoureholy · 4 years

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Soul Eater [Final Chapter]

[a/n: hhhhhh so this is the end of Soul Eater. I had such a fun time writing it and discussing it with all of you. I want to thank everyone that took the time to read it and leave a like or reblog or a comment in my ask box it really means a lot to me. And thank you so much for sticking with the story till the end!]

Pairing : Jung Yunho / [fem] Reader

Genre : Angst, Violence, Language, Fluff, Smut, Character Death, Demon! AU

Words : 3.7k

Previous Chapter.

≫ ──── ≪•◦ ❈ ◦•≫ ──── ≪

-Y/N’s P. O. V-

I shook my head as I sat back, cradling Yunho in my arms. I brought a trembling hand up to his face, gently brushing the hair out of his face.

No, no please. Anything but this. I thought to myself, biting down on my lower lip to keep from crying but that just stopped the sobs from escaping but the tears flowed freely.

“I’m sorry.” I whimpered as I cried, the pain in my chest only intensified when he gave me a small smile.

He opened his mouth to speak but before he got anything out somebody else spoke over him, “Weak as always.”

My head snapped up to glare at Lucifer who stood a few feet away with a smug smile on his face. I’ve felt rage before and I am the literal definition of wrath but the fury I felt right now was stronger than anything else I’ve ever felt before. I could physically feel my eyes glow brightly, the red tinted aura surrounding me was heavier than ever. That alone was enough to have the smug looks fall from Lucifer’s face. I watched as he took a step back, baring my teeth at the sight. I could tell he wanted to run but before he could even think about going any further I thrust a fist into the ground. The ground shook and rumbled, cracks lining the cement before it opened up, Lucifer trying to get away from the crack but I just made more. Holes of all shapes and sizes surrounded the ground, Lucifer trapped and with a missing wing he wasn’t flying anytime soon.

“Why couldn’t you just leave me alone?! I’ve never done anything wrong in my life! I was a good daughter, a good wife! I was a good person so why!? Why me!?” I cried out, holding onto Yunho tighter as I shouted at the one that caused all of this.

“Because you were destined for a life full of misfortune! It is how God commanded!” He shouted back, vexxed by my words.

I shook my head, clenching a hand into a fist, “No! He doesn’t intentionally make his children suffer! At least not without giving them a way out, one I never had! No, this was all your doing! This is all your fault!”

As I shouted the wall shook, cracks appearing along the walls to match the one on the ground. Lucifer said nothing, giving me a scornful look. And within the next second he gave a flap of his wing, blinding me momentarily with the strong winds he created. I knew he was going to use this opportunity to escape but I wasn’t going to let him. I sharpened the feathers of my wings like how I did when I killed Greed and thrust them in his direction. The second I felt the ends of my wings pierce through flesh the wind stopped, warm blood coating seeping onto my wings. I looked up to see one wing had gone through his throat and the other was jammed into his stomach. He raised a hand to probably try and get off an attack but I didn’t even allow him that as I tore him to shreds the same way I tore Greed apart. I glared at what was left of him, breathing heavily as I tried to fight against the need for more blood. Had Yunho not brought my attention back to him I would’ve given into my instincts and gone out looking for more demons to kill.

I gazed down at him to see that his breathing was more shallow than it had been just a few moments earlier. I knew what this meant but I refused to believe it, “No...no...I can’t lose you…”

He let out a breathy laugh, immediately regretting it was he winced in pain, “It’s fine, I’m okay.”

“No you’re not! You’re dying...” My voice broke at the word as I trailed off, the lump I felt in my throat stopping any other words from coming out for a second, “You’re dying and it's all my fault. If I had just released you from your contract earlier then-”

“Y/N... I know what you’re thinking and my answer is still no.” He said, his voice barely audible. He had lost way too much blood, it's a mystery how he managed to stay conscious for so long, “Don’t even think about it.”

I set my jaw at his stubbornness, angry that he was being like this all the way until the end, “I can still save your soul, Yunho.”

“And I’ve already told you I don’t give a damn about my soul!” He shouted, throwing himself into a coughing fit, blood trickling out of his mouth by the time he was done, “I want to be with you. I don’t care where, whether it be here in hell, on earth, or in heaven as long as I’m with you nothing else matters.”

I gave him a sad smile, swiping my thumb along his cheek ever so slightly, “I can’t let you spend a single second down here Yunho, especially not to be with someone like me. I don’t deserve you, I never have.”

“Y/N please...I love you. Don’t--Don’t force me to be without you…” He tearfully let out in a whisper, desperately clinging on to me but I had made up my mind.

I had tried to get him to end the contract with me on his own free will but even as he was dying he refused but I couldn’t let him turn into a demon. If he turned into a demon then I’d lose the Yunho I love so much. As much as he’s convinced he’ll stay the same I know that’s not the least bit true. Once a demon you’re filled with this overwhelming sense to wreak havoc, to kill, to have the blood of others run at your feet. No matter how good you were as a human it always happened. Even the purest of souls get swallowed up by the darkness and I couldn’t have him tainted, I refused to have him go through that.

“You’ll be forced to spend another thousand years down here!” He cried, hoping to convince me but I already made up my mind.

He’d die whether I did this or not but at least his soul would be where it belonged. I kept quiet as I brought a hand up to lay against his chest. His heartbeat had slowed, letting me know I didn’t have much time. I closed my eyes and concentrated, feeling the chains I had used to bind his soul when we first made the deal. But before I could break them the words he uttered had me stopping short.

“Do you hate me that much?”

I looked at him with nothing but pure shock. Hate him? No, it was the opposite. I love him. I’ve never loved anyone like I love him. He meant the world to me and if I was blessed with some sort of power to heal him of his wounds then I would’ve done it in a heartbeat but I don’t. I would do anything to keep him here with me but I can’t, not if I want him to stay as he is.

“No…” I choked out, shaking my head as my tears fell onto his cheeks, “I love you...more than I’ve ever loved anyone. Yunho, in the short amount of time that I’ve known you you’ve become my world. You were the light that brought me out of the dark cave I had been hiding in. You showed me what it was like to love and be loved. Yunho, you are single handedly the best thing that has ever happened to me,” I paused to place a lingering kiss on his forehead, cupping his face in both my hands as I pulled away, “And because I love you so much I’m breaking our contract.”

He shook his head, about to protest but I stopped him from uttering a word by bringing my lips to his. I moved my lips slowly against his, pouring out all the love I held for him in that one kiss. I felt his lips tremble against mine but he kissed me back just as passionately. With my lips still glued to his I slowly brought a hand down to his chest, placing my palm over it. Like before I felt the chains holding his soul hostage and broke them with ease seconds later. The moment I did he groaned softly into my mouth, pulling away, the life finally leaving him.

I choked on a sob as I stared into his lifeless eyes, my hand shaking violently as I placed it over his face and closed his eyes. My hand then hovered over his face, his shoulders, his chest, unsure of where to go as he lay dead in my hold. Finally after what felt like hours, but was truly only a second, I hugged his body to my chest. The last of my self restraint disappeared, the tears flowing freely as I sobbed loudly. My sobs got louder and louder until I couldn’t take it anymore and let out a scream full of pain and agony. I buried my face in the crook of his neck, holding onto him like my life depended on it and in a way it did. If I let go of him now then that’ll mean I’m accepting the fact that he’s gone for good and that I’ll never be able to see him again.

“Yun..?”

I snapped my head up at the sound of his voice. Mingi staggered forward a few steps only to fall to his knees at the sight he walked in on. He opened his mouth and closed it multiple times, the words refusing to come out. Through my tears I could see his own eyes glaze over before the first of many tears slid down his face.

“I...I had turned my back on him for just a second and the next thing I knew he was gone…” He muttered, his voice shaking as he spoke.

I furrowed my brows, confused, “You were with him?” I paused, my eyes searching his only for my face to twist in anger at the answer I found in his eyes, “Why did you let Lucifer take him!? If he was with you then you should’ve been protecting him! You had one job-”

“No, you had one job! I told you to make him happy! I told you to love him with reckless abandon and then let him go! Don’t put the blame on me when this is your fault!” He shouted, his voice heavy with emotion, “Yunho is dead because of you and you dare to blame me!? If he hadn’t met you he’d still be alive right now! I lost the only person I cared about and it’s all your fault! Don’t you dare try and put the blame on me!”

I was stunned into silence by his words, a sob crawling its way up my throat. He’s right, he’s absolutely right. This is nobody else’s fault but my own. I should’ve broken the damn contract a long time ago, no, I should’ve never made the deal with him in the first place. If I had known I would grow this attached to him, that I’d love him this much and that I’d be the reason he died then I would’ve refused to even make the deal. This is my fault and mine alone...and I had to live with that for the rest of my life.

-40xx, two thousand years later-

I sighed heavily as I walked through the park, lost in my thoughts. It had been a couple millennia since everything happened. With Lucifer gone and the other sins hiding from me I was left to take over Hell. I didn’t want to at first but then I realized that if they were left without someone to lead them and give them rules the demons would run rampant, chaos would ensue at every corner. So, begrudgingly, I took charge with Mingi as my advisor. It took a couple years for him to be able to be in the same room with me and about a century for him to finally forgive me. And when he finally agreed to help me run things we found out his time in Hell was about to run out. I was getting ready to say my goodbyes to him but he had found some documents Lucifer had hidden. In those documents I learned two things ; deadly sins were eternal beings so unless they were killed they never died and that there was another special power deadly sins had, something I’m sure the others weren’t even aware of. As deadly sins we were given the privilege of keeping familiars and those familiars were picked from the pools of the demons lower than us. Keeping them as familiars allowed those demons to extend their stay for however long the sin desired and gave them the ability to turn into their ‘master’s’ respective animal. I didn’t really want to keep Mingi for any longer than he needed to be in Hell but he was adamant in staying, saying if I was forced to stay here for all eternity he’ll stay too. He practically begged me to make him my familiar and so I did and he’s been by my side ever since, helping me run things down under.

The memory of him turning into a wolf for the first time brought a smile to my lips. He was freaking out so badly I had laughed hysterically for the whole thing. Thinking back it that was the first time I had smiled or even laughed since what happened. I didn’t even get angry anymore, it seemed like when Yunho left all my emotions went with him. I had been walking around as an empty shell, void of all emotions but after about a millennia I had finally started to heal. With Mingi’s help and that of a select few demons I had come to trust, I was slowly reverting back to my old self, though I always felt like I was missing something--something I was never going to get back.

I stopped walking at that thought, clutching the fabric over my chest. I had been trying not to think of him too much because it was too painful. Every time I imagined his smile or his laugh I’d feel this sharp pain hit me. It felt like someone had placed a ten ton anvil on my heart. At times it felt like I couldn’t breathe, my lungs refused to take in the air that surrounded me. I closed my eyes and tried to recollect myself before I started crying in the middle of the park. It took a few minutes but I was finally able to get myself together.

“And here I thought you were finally going to burst into tears.” A voice suddenly said from beside me.

I jumped at the sound of his voice, startled out of my thoughts, “One of these days I’m going to cut you to pieces for scaring me.”

“But today is not that day is it?” He asked, a cheeky grin on his face.

I rolled my eyes but was unable to hide the smile that tugged at the ends of my lips, “No, it’s not.”

A moment of silence passed between us before he spoke up again, “Your presence is needed for the meeting to start.”

“I know. I just needed to clear my head, I’ll be there as soon as I’m done.” I responded in a soft tone of voice, clamping my hands behind my back and looking towards the sky, the moon shining brightly to illuminate my path.

I turned to Mingi once more only to see he had shifted to take on the form of my wolf. I showed him a tight lipped smile, reaching out to pat the top of his head gently, “Tell the others to busy themselves with something else until I get there.”

He leaned into my touch before giving a nod of his head and left me to myself once more. I continued to aimlessly walk through the park, lost in my thoughts. I heaved out a heavy sigh when I noticed the sun beginning the rise. I should get back before the others throw a fit for being gone this long. I took one last look around and turned to leave, bumping into someone as soon as I stepped onto the trail meant for runners. I cursed under my breath before I began to apologize, finally looking over to see who had run into me. The moment I laid eyes on him it was like time stood still. I couldn’t believe what my eyes were seeing, it can’t be what I thought... he looked exactly the same, his eyes the same shade of brown that I loved, his cheeks and lips the same shade of pink that I adored more than anything. When he caught me staring he gave me a soft smile, one I had missed dearly, one that brought tears to my eyes.

“Ah, I’m sorry. I should’ve been paying more attention to my surroundings. Are you alright?” He asked, his voice as sweet as I remembered.

My breath hitched when he reached out to wave a hand over my face, probably thinking that something was wrong with me for freezing up like this. I opened my mouth to call out his name but just as I was about to I shut my mouth, clenching my teeth. What good would it do if I called his name? He probably doesn’t remember me, I mean it’s been over two thousand years there’s no way he’d remember. If he’s here then that means he’s been reincarnated. I almost burst into tears when that thought came to mind. Finally, he can live a normal life and be happy and that’s all I ever cared about, even if it wasn’t with me if he was happy that’s all I cared about.

I shook my head and rubbed my hands over my face to compose myself, “I’m okay, I’m just a little out of it. I’m sorry I interrupted your run.”

I gave him one last smile before turning around, biting down on my bottom lip to stop myself from crying out loud, the tears cascading down my face the moment I turned my back on him. I had only taken about two steps when I felt his hand wrap around my wrist. I froze the second his hand touched my skin, my shoulders tense but I refused to turn around. This simple action was giving me hope, false hope that he somehow remembers me. It’s making me want to believe that after all this time I can finally be with him but I didn’t dare hope for it. I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep it together...if this hope ends up leading to nothing.

“It’s been years...don’t tell me you forgot about me already.” He spoke in a soft voice, squeezing my wrist gently in his hold.

I inhaled shakily, not daring to turn around and face him, “I think you’ve got me confused with someone else.”

“No I don’t. There’s no way I’d forget your face, Y/N…” He trailed off, walking around me to face me.

And the moment I looked into his eyes I knew he remembered everything. My mouth moved before I could even try to stop it, saying the name I had avoided saying for years because it was just too painful, “Yunho…”

He chuckled softly at the name, his eyes brimming with tears as he grinned at me, “I go by Wooshik now but my God is it good to hear my name fall from your lips again.”

I stared at him, stunned by everything that was happening. I reached out and placed my hands on his forearms, gingerly touching his skin to make sure he was real, “Are you really here? I’m—I’m not hallucinating am I? Because I’ve done it before! But this—you feel so real…”

“I’m real. I’m back, Y/N.” He said through the tears that had managed to escape.

The second he said that I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, bringing him into my embrace. I felt his arms wrap around my waist, squeezing me tightly in his hold as he buried his face in the crook of my neck. I still couldn’t believe it but having him here in my arms I knew that this wasn’t just another hallucination. He was really here, I had him back...the only man I loved was back in my arms. That thought had a sob crawl its way up my throat before it escaped, muffled by his shoulder. I clung onto him like my life depended on it because in a way, it did. I’ve been so empty without him, just aimlessly wandering through life with no purpose. But now that he was back I could start living again, I could start to feel again. I pulled away from the hug to cup his face in my hands, staring into his eyes for a moment before leaning forward and kissing him with everything I had. I don’t know how long this was going to last but unlike last time I won’t try to distance myself from him, I won’t try and build a wall between us. I won’t try to keep him away from me for his own safety, no, I’ll protect him with my life. I’ll keep him safe. I’ll do everything I didn’t do, everything I regretted not doing. I'll do it now...and for however long he’ll have me. I promise I’ll love him fiercely, recklessly, and wholeheartedly. I swear it, I swear on my name, on my title as Wrath and may God punish me severely if I ever break my promise.

Tags : @chanyeolol @j-oneracha @choisofty @boredmay21 @elenaramos1

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kyber-kisses · 4 years

Text

In The Wind

Dean Winchester x Reader

Warnings: pretty angsty but that’s about it.

Summary: based on the lyrics In the Wind by Lord Huron. (It’s a song fic folks!)

A/n: Lord Hurons music is some of my all time favorite shit to listen to, and the lyrics always get my creative juices flowing, so this is probably the first out of multiple song fics I write for his music. I literally listened to this song on repeat while writing this, so Please enjoy!

Link to song here: https://open.spotify.com/track/6gTglnHm9CIGGRox5TtMd9?si=iZ8Tc3fuQ3mfgAqYKztsqA

“You’re thinking about her again, aren't you?”

Sam's voice pulled Dean from his haze, eyes slowly looking up from his glass of whiskey to land on his brother and Jack.

Not this again.

Dean did everything he could to try and ignore Jacks confused expression, the nephilim having no idea as to who they were talking about.

“Thinking about who?” Jack questioned, eyes ever so slightly lighting up.

You've been gone for a long long time

You've been in the wind, you've been on my mind

You are the purest soul I've ever known in my life

Damn it. He was letting his emotions peek through again.

“Okay, you know what- I’m not talking about this. Not now. Not ever.” Dean sighed, quickly pushing up from his spot at the table, downing the rest of his whiskey and slamming the glass back down, exiting the room with a huff.

Sam mentally slapped himself. He shouldn’t have brought it up. It always put Dean in a mood. There was a good chance his brother was going to lock himself away in his room for the weekend because of it.

“Did- did I do something?” Jack questioned, eyes darting from the doorway to Sam, hoping for an explanation.

“Uh- no, no you didn’t. It’s mainly my fault.” Sam sighed.

Pushing up from his own seat, Sam crossed the kitchen, not sure whether what he was about to do was a good idea or not.

Digging behind the shelf of coffee mugs, he produced the artifact that Dean had tried so hard to keep hidden. With slow steps he moved back to Jack, handing over the worn picture frame, the glass in one corner slightly cracked, but otherwise spotless.

Take your time, let the rivers guide you in

You know where you can find me again

I'll be waiting here 'til the stars fall out of the sky

“Her name was Y/n.”

Jack tilted his head, looking at both the familiar face and new one in the photograph. The whole thing almost seemed foreign though. Dean was smiling- well he wasn’t just smiling, he was laughing, leaning back against the impala, arm sling over the shoulders of a young woman. Her head tilted back in laughter, y/h/c hair blowing slighting across her features.

“She was— she was Deans best friend. Ever since we were kids. Though he never has said it out loud, everyone knew he was in love with her. There was no doubt about that.He always denied it though when people brought it up.” Sam continued, a faint smile tugging at his lips as memories flooded through him.

“What happened?”

Sam took a breath, knowing full well Dean was probably gonna kick his ass later. “When Dean was first pulled from hell, one of the demons in charge of him, Alastair, was really angry, and I mean really angry, He tracked us down.” The younger Winchester sucked in another breath, fiddling with his thumbs, “he- he practically butchered her right in front us. Dean fought so hard, but it was too late. He never forgave himself for that.”

“. . .Oh.”

When you left I was far too young

To know you're worth more than the moon and the sun

You are still alive when I look to the sky in the night

Dean always told people that he didn’t do the whole “love thing.”

That was a lie.

Because even if he never said it out loud, Dean Winchester had been completely and utterly in love with you. Hell, a massive part of him still was, even if almost a decade had passed.

There was no one like you. There never would be. You were just a feisty eight year old when you and Dean had met. He was seven.

Your meeting was anything but romantic. Uncle Bobby always warned you about strangers, so when when you bumped into Dean in his study- things didn’t go smoothly.

You kneed him in the groin and took his pocket knife.

Dean thought you were the coolest girl he had ever met.

I would wait for a thousand years

I would sit right here by the lake, my dear

You just let me know that you're coming home

And I'll wait for you

Walking down the empty hallways of the bunker , Dean found himself pausing in front of one of the many vacant bedrooms. He didn’t really know why he stopped in his tracks, but he did.

You would have loved this place. You would have read every book to be found and undoubtedly decorated your room in some odd fashion that would actually, somehow come together. You would have tinkered with every vintage car that sat in the garage and found the hallways perfect for rollerblading through.

You would have made this place so much better. So much brighter.

But you weren’t here.

Dean eventually slunk back to his room, blocking out his surroundings with a pair of headphones as he scrolled through his phone, looking for something in particular. And then he found it: Y/ns favorites.

The playlist was jammed pack full of your favorite oldies, going from Sam Cooke to The Beatles. You always did have good taste. You would definitely find today’s music downright terrible.

Years have gone but the pain is the same

I have passed my days by the sound of your name

Well they say that you're gone and that I should move on

I wonder: how do they know, baby?

Even if he had lost you all those years ago, his mind always found time to wander back to you. He saw pieces of you in almost everything. Every once in a while, during a case or just a supply run, he would hear someone call out to a person with the same name, and he would whip around, ever so slightly hoping he would see you.

He never did.

He would see an album cover for a record, or even take a bite of food, and think: “oh y/n would love this.”

No matter how far he ran or how fast he moved, he could never escape you, but then again, he didn’t want to. You were a part of him, ever since the two of you locked eyes in Bobby’s study.

Death is a wall but it can't be the end

You are my protector and my best friend

Well they say that you're gone and that I should move on

I wonder: how do they know, baby?

How do they know? Well, they don't

“What was she like?” Jack questioned, lowering the frame to the table as he looked up at Sam, eyebrows drawn together in interest. He wanted to know more about you.

You had been Deans best friend after all.

Sam let out a light chuckle, sliding the frame back towards himself so he could look at it again, “Y/n, I think, never knew the effect she had on others, the intensity or presence she brought to the room,” he paused, moving to wipe some of the dust from the frame, “She was feisty. . . And troubled, like the rest of us, but she was also impossible to ignore or forget.” Sam had to stop, giving himself a moment to compose himself so he didn’t start crying in front of the kid.

“Then I understand why Dean would have loved her. She sounds amazing.” Jack smiled, earning a grin Sam as well.

“Oh trust me, she was. I think she would have really liked you.” Pushing away from the kitchen table, Sam patted him on the back, undoubtedly retreating to his own room for the night.

That’s when the nephilim had a sudden thought: if he could bring back Castiel from the Great beyond, why couldn’t he do the same with you?

The End?

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#dean winchester #dean winchester imagine #dean winchester x reader #dean winchester one shot #song fic #SPN #spn x reader #spn x y/n #spn x you #supernatural #supernatural imagine #supernatural x reader #dean x reader #dean x y/n #bi-danvers writing

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