#more bc I feel overwhelmed but also I can’t decide and stick to any ideas lol

[euphoricsunflowers]

calling you daddy — monsta x

scenario: they ask about your kinks and you ask them to call you daddy

a/n: this is written with a fem reader in mind but is not strictly fem reader as no pronouns or anything is mentioned.

a/n: was this a request? nope tbh this was written for myself bc i’m sick and tired of seeing people call these men daddy so uh pls enjoy

word count: 2k

content: sub!monsta x, dom!reader, daddy kink obviously ajshdhs, minhyuk is kinda bratty? kinda??, lots of teasing and begging, mentions of consent and stuff

—

son hyunwoo/shownu:

he falls silent. he doesn’t know what to say in the slightest. he worries that he might hurt your feelings or say something out of line, but it just stuns him, “you don’t have to do it if you’re uncomfortable with that, bear. your consent is just as important,” you say.

but see that’s half of what’s stunning him. he’s not exactly uncomfortable with that. shownu’s nature is pleasing you, he doesn’t mind filling any role or position for you, this was just a little more intense than that.

“you know what? just forget we had this conversation. i don’t want you to feel pressured, and it’s not a big deal, okay?” you say.

but the idea lingers in his head whether or not you want it to. as the days go by, his mind wanders, and while it may not exactly be what he’d be into, he’s not against doing it for you.

as you manhandle him a little bit, he says it softly, “ah, daddy-,” it’s even more embarrassing than he imagined, and his cheeks and ears are flushed and hot, but when he says it, softly under his breath, just whispering it out to test the waters, he sees your shock and then your small little smirk.

“now that i know what it sounds like to hear you say that, and what that does to me,” you say, sneaking your hands under his shirt and letting them wander, playing with his chest a bit, “i don’t think it’s a good idea to say that if you wanna make it out of this bedroom spotless and in one piece.”

he blushes even more, a little shy and hesitant, but he likes having this kind of effect on you, so that may not be the last time he says it. besides, who says he cares if he makes it out in one piece? and spotless? his neck and chest and thighs were too clean anyway.

lee hoseok/wonho:

it was in the middle of you riding him, his wrists bound above his head with a rope that made his skin look so pretty against it. he’s already cum once, but you’re not stopping until you do, and he’s trying to keep himself together. your hands roughly playing with his chest is overstimulating and he’s overwhelmed. he pleads for mercy aimlessly, almost thoughtlessly.

but then, “if you’re gonna beg, call me daddy,” you murmur. he’s not even sure he hears you right when you say it. he looks at you with wide eyes, and he assumed he did because of the way you act. he knows he could stop you at any time because you’re very clear on consent and it’s not like this was completely out of left field considering how you’re already always in charge in the bedroom. he was just stunned.

and while he’s a little bit stunned, he also won’t deny that it is a little bit hot.

so he does, “please, daddy, it’s so much- i- i can’t handle it.”

he sees your smile, with just a drop of sadism behind the curl of your lip, “just a little more, baby, i’m close. you make daddy feel so good,” he gets so excited by the praise that he attempts to stick it out, forever still the man that just wants to make you happy and please you.

he forgets about himself and his own body for a moment when he feels your body tense up around him and you hold onto his chest as you orgasm, using him to get the most out of it before you slow down to a halt.

your heavy breathes and sweet nothings whispered in his ear are heavenly.

lee minhyuk:

“really? you’re into that? i honestly thought it would be the other way around.”

taken aback, you ask, “really? what gave you that impression?”

“idk, you don’t have this aura of dominance, so i didn’t really assume that was your thing.”

“is that- is that okay with you?”

he gets closer, teasing in the way he wants to make you shy, “you seem pretty bashful for someone who just asked to be called daddy in the bedroom.”

“minhyuk-,”

he rolls his eyes, obviously trying to get a rise out of you, “come on, i don’t even know if you have it in you.”

and something about his careless, taunting tone sets something off inside you, like he was challenging you. but it’s a challenge you take on when you approach him. your touch is softer, lighter than he imagined. he thought you would be lit aflame with a need to prove yourself to him. but you lean in to press a kiss on his neck and your wandering hands settle on his hips.

you’re gentle with him initially, yet he melts a little bit when one hand tightens and another begins to unbutton his shirt, giving your mouth access to his chest.

you push him onto the couch, straddling him and using a hand to hold both of his arms above his head, when you pull back, he looks dazed and needy, all those teasing smirks having faded off his features, “why are you so affected? i thought i didn’t even have it in me,” you say with a smirk this time.

he breathes heavily, “y/n- please-”

“oh please, that’s not my name anymore, min.”

yoo kihyun:

“you want me to what?!” his voice is randomly high pitched, loud, almost like he’s nervous or scared.

despite that anxious feeling you’re feeling too, you try to stay calm, “i understand if you’re uncomfortable by it, but you asked about my kinks, kihyun.”

“yeah i know- i just- i wasn’t expecting that- really? you’re not messing with me? that’s really what you want?” he looks exasperated.

“yes. i really want you to call me daddy.”

he goes silent, trying to comprehend in his head what the hell was going on and what he was going to do and why the more he thinks about it, the less vehemently against it he becomes. and he had spent the entire relationship making it clear that he cared about what you wanted (because he does) and it’s not like… he hates the idea of it, but it’s just so out there to him that he can’t even fathom or imagine it.

he asks for a few days just to think about it, and though the awkwardness lingers in the air, by the fourth day, it seems like you had mostly forgotten about it or at least it didn’t seem to be on your mind. he spends those days really thinking, trying to imagine what it would be like, why you would even want that.

but the next time you’re together alone, your hands and lips are on him and he experimentally says it, “daddy, please.”

the whiny, begging voice, coupled with the word, leave you stunned. you pull back with wide eyes, and he felt so embarrassed and shameful with your eyes on him like that, but then you pulled him back into you and kissed him with a certain kind of feverish desperation that made his knees weak.

chae hyungwon:

his reaction is oddly pretty calm. he asked about what you were into, and you told him. maybe he was expect something a little different, but to be honest, he knew you liked to be in control, and he usually just went along with it. he didn’t mind it especially because you always made sure you both felt good and that was all that matters. that and he kinda likes being told what to do.

so it doesn’t exactly surprise him, especially when you add, “but only in a sexual context! i don’t need you to say it all the time.”

“good because there’s no way in hell i’m calling you daddy in front of my friends,” he can see the thoughts behind your eyes wanting to take up that challenge, but he decides to ignore it, “as far as they’re concerned, i’m daddy.”

“sure, wonnie. sure,” you say dismissively, before looking back at him, “are you actually okay with it though? i know it’s… weird.”

“it wasn’t what i was expecting, but if that’s what you want, then i’ll do it.”

and as soon as you’ve got him under you, with kisses and marks trailing down his neck and chest, leaving him helplessly turned on and horny, he says it so naturally, you wonder if he even thought to do it. but whether or not he’s doing this solely for you, or because he might have found it a little hot, is between him and himself, “ahh, daddy, please- be gentle with me- i have a photoshoot in the morning- oh my god that feels so good please daddy don’t stop-”

lee jooheon:

he likes the idea of it when you mention it, he just gets kinda shy, “do you- do you really want me to call you that?”

you come closer, holding his hand and rubbing your thumb against it in a comforting manner, “yeah, i really like the idea of it. if you’re not completely against it, i’d be really happy if we could try it.”

“it’s not… the worst thing you could have told me you were into,” he laughs as your hand starts to massage his thigh instead, “we can try it. i'll tell you if we need to stop, but i think it’ll be okay.”

“good, i’m glad you’re reacting this way, honey,” you murmur as you kiss him, and he smiles, which, even if it makes the kiss a little awkward, is really cute, “sweetheart,” you whisper as you pull away, “can you say it? i just wanna hear you say it.”

your hands wander his skin nervously, he can tell you’re worried about him being uncomfortable, “ahh, d-daddy, please touch me more,” he whines, and he’s never been more compelling before, but somehow the use of that word really makes you want to give in and give him anything he wants, “please touch me.”

your hand falls a little lower upon his request, and he groans lightly, pulling you a little closer, “you’re perfect, baby, so pretty.”

“ahh, please,” he huffs, clearly growing shy with the praise, but it’s obvious he really likes it, so you touch him more and whisper sweet words into his ear with a kiss, “oh- oh my- daddy- please i-”

“you’re so cute, sweetie pie, especially when you’re feeling good, you look so pretty and content. it’s my favorite sight,” you say adoringly, looking at him with the biggest heart eyes.

“wow, i didn’t expect to like this this much but-“ he whispers, “-i kinda love it.”

im changkyun/i.m:

he doesn’t react much when you say it, making you wonder if he was uncomfortable or not into it, but in any case, you assume it’s going to be forgotten in a few days and there would be nothing to worry about.

until he’s trying to get you to play with him and you’re trying to work. he can’t deny that he gets horny easily and you’re right there! he tries to tease in an way he can think possible, but to no avail. you’re still just sitting there, typing away on your laptop.

“just another thirty minutes, and then im all yours, baby,” you murmur to him, and he pouts subconsciously out of frustration.

he gets an idea, and i’m sure you know what it is.

“alright, you’re busy and i respect that. i guess i’ll just leave you be and go play by myself, daddy,” he giggles when you look over at him for the first time in this encounter and then he walks away.

as he sits on the bed in your bedroom, he awaits the sound of your footsteps, knowing he’s won. the door opens, and you walk in too casually, enough to make him suspicious, until he’s pulled onto your lap with your lips on his shoulder. your hands sneak under his hoodie, and his hands brace himself on your shoulders for stability, “ah- y/n-”

“baby, i did not set aside my work that’s due tomorrow morning to come fuck your brains out just for you to call me that,” he shivers, so incredibly turned on, “try again.”

—

taglist: @lovingonrepeat @neosincity @sub-hoshi-enthusiast @multidreams-and-desires @hobilluvvr @vanillaknj @yr-domxfantasies @treasure-hwa @fleurshopsub @rubyscloud9 @silencefavarchive @nct99 @bigkpopstan @monstaxdirtywonk @domreaderrecs @mochi-ficz and always feel free to ask to be added to/removed from the taglist <3

#subidolnet #sub idol #sub!idol #sub!kpop #dom reader #dom!reader #monsta x #sub!monsta x #sub monsta x #sub!monsta x smut #monsta x smut #sub!shownu #sub!wonho #sub!minhyuk #sub!kihyun #sub!hyungwon #sub!jooheon #sub!changkyun

[because-of-a-friend]

BF!Wonwoo Comforting You

MASTERLIST

Gonna start working each of these Wonwoo requests in between all of the others lol. Thanks for the request anon! (If your request is bc you were stressed with uni life, I really hope finals season went well/is going well and that you made it through the spring semester alright!!!) Sorry it’s kind of short :(

(Gif is not mine, if you like it pls go give love to the OP and do not repost it without crediting them!)

Wonnie isn’t always super confident in his abilities to support people emotionally

It honestly makes him a little nervous because he’s sure he’ll say something wrong or make it worse or simply not help at all

So when finals season comes up and he notices school becoming overwhelming for you, his own stress is doubled at the idea of not being able to help you

At first he tries to do little things

He offers to be the one to buy and pick up food

If you have any errands or chores, he’ll offer a helping hand in any way he can

He’ll help you make index cards or little practice quizzes

All of his little efforts to relieve your stress honestly do help

But they can’t stop finals from happening

And when he catches you crying over a textbook one evening, he realizes he might need to step up his game and that you might need help in other ways

He doesn’t want to push or make you uncomfortable 

So he approaches carefully

“Hey, baby, what’s going on?” he rests his hand gently on your back before beginning to drag it slowly up and down

“Nothing,” you say, quickly trying to collect yourself, “I’m just a little tired, I guess” 

“Is there anything I can do to help?” he asks after waiting a moment to see if you say anything else

You simply shake your head and Wonwoo feels his heart drop to his feet

He finally decides on sitting next to you, continuing to rub your back and waiting as you take deep breaths to calm yourself

“Food?” he says finally, and feels relief when you genuinely laugh through your tears at the suggestion

You nod, and reach up to wipe away the rest of the wetness of your face

To your surprise, Wonwoo beats you to it

He grabs your face in his hands and takes his time make sure every tear is gently wiped off

“Hey,” he says softly to get your attention. “Next time let’s talk this out for real.” He doesn’t want to push you right at that moment but also doesn’t want you to feel as though you have to go at it alone

When you nod at him, he nods back and then pulls you forward to peck your lips

“Ok then, fried chicken or tacos?” 

After the first crying session Wonwoo had caught you having, it didn’t happen again for awhile

Since that time, Wonwoo has done a lot of research and asked advice from a lot of people to see how he can be more supportive of you emotionally

So the next time he catches you crying, sitting sort of limply in the middle of your bed

He has a plan

First he simply sits with you and pulls you into him and lets you cry it out into his shoulder

He doesn’t try to rush you out of it or stop you, he just rubs his hands slowly up and down your back

Once you’ve finally finished crying and your breathing returns to normal, he slowly pulls you back to face him

“Do you wanna tell me what’s bothering you? Is it just the stress?”

You shake your head, but take a while to find your voice to explain your feelings

Again he doesn’t rush you, just reaches forward to push your hair away from your face and wipe away any leftover tears

You finally take a deep breath and let out “What if even after I do all this studying, I’m still not smart enough to pass my exams???”

You feel a wave of emotions while admitting your fears out loud especially since Wonwoo pauses for a moment

He only pauses bc on the inside he’s going “????? [Y/N] is the smartest person I know????? Why would they think they can’t pass their exams???”

He finally voices his thoughts out loud, giving you plenty of assurance that you are a smart and capable student who will ace your exams

He takes the time to ask you about this fear more in depth so you can fully discuss it

You feel a little embarrassed about your fear but way more than that you feel relieved after talking it out with Wonwoo, it’s like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders

That night Wonwoo insists you take a break for a few hours

He sets up your favorite movie and orders your favorite food

As soon as you’re on the couch, he basically swaddles you in a fuzzy blanket and spends the rest of the evening pampering you

He basically can’t take his eyes off of you as he watches your stress melt away for the time being

He can’t help but lean over every once in awhile to peck your cheek 

Hope you don’t need to get up for any reason during the movie because his arms are locked around you like a deadbolt and they are not going anywhere any time soon

He just feels the need to hold you tight and as close to him as possible, so you can feel his presence and know he’s right there by your side

After that night, whenever you’re studying, Wonwoo always makes sure to make subtle comments about how smart you are and how well you’re doing and how impressive you are academically

He gives you the strength and confidence you need to get through the end of the semester

Wonwoo himself doesn’t tend to get nervous thinking about tests or studying for them

He always gets nervous right before

The jitters grab ahold of him as he’s waiting outside the classroom door moments before the teacher will arrive to let them in and begin the test

To help him counter his nerves you’ve started either walking him to the class or surprising him by visiting him before the test starts

You try to bring little drinks or snacks to make sure he’ll have something in his system before taking the test to keep up his strength

You write him plenty of encouraging notes to stick to the packaging of whatever you bring him

You talk with him about random things to take his mind off of it 

Or even help him do some last minute studying on any specifics he wasn’t as confident about

When it’s time for him and the other students to enter the class, he’ll turn to you one last time

And you’ll give him any encouragement you can think of

And a good luck kiss of course

Just a quick peck before you turn him around and nudge him towards the classroom

You wait for him to see a happy and relieved Wonwoo emerge from the classroom

Once exams are over, the two of you spend a whole week just being lazy and doing whatever you want to celebrate

#wonwoo imagines #wonwoo fanfic #wonwoo fluff #wonwoo scenarios #jeon wonwoo imagines #jeon wonwoo fanfic #jeon wonwoo fluff #jeon wonwoo scenarios #wonwoo #jeon wonwoo #seventeen #svt #seventeen imagines #seventeen scenarios #seventeen fanfic #svt imagines #svt scenarios #svt fanfic

[zettaiunmeis]

HI THANKS TO @raventrigonsdaughter LETTING ME KNOW THAT OG GAME CARMEN AND JULIA USED TO BE PARTNERS BEFORE CARMEN WENT ROGUE, LET ME PROPOSE: VILE!JULIA.

details under the cut because this got Long

jules is part of the either the same class the ~infamous~ black sheep

and they don’t? really like each other? like julia is still kinda Serious and she doesnt really appreciate the vile squad goofing around and tossing water balloons or whatever and black sheep finds julia a little too uptight even if she’s interested in a lot of the same things (history, etc.)

black sheep’s speciality is Being SLick, as we know, but julia’s is patterns (and also historical artifacts)

ok but the important part of this is that bc julia’s is patterns, she ends up being like a scout or smth along those lines bc she can analyse patterns and report back to help plan the caper

and that basically means that when she graduates, she ends up in far more long cons than any of the others

anyway, after black sheep gets in trouble for the water balloon thing, the faculty decide she’s far too mischievous, and so, they assign her a partner — julia

(side note: its kind of the same thing that ends up happening to jean-luc and antonio a bit later on, but thats more because they work well together, and less bc either one of them needed a grounding influence)

anyway black sheep and jules again. do not like each other. but that doesnt mean they dont work well together — julia’s got an eye for patterns, and black sheep has every thieving trick in the book ready and waiting up her sleeves (alongside an instinct for thievery)

slowly, as they are forced to work together more and more, they kind of reach a less tense partnership and then one day black sheep makes a history joke and thats how they become friends

like julia is still very pointedly Not friends with the rest of the vile squad bc they’re still very reckless and immature, etc

but shes sort of seen black sheep when she’s been more grounded and less hyper/feral and she?? kind of doesnt mind??

bc grounded black sheep isnt constantly trying to prove that she’s The Best and grounded black sheep isnt trying to prove that she’s more than just the teacher’s pet — she’s kind of just having fun with julia and julia’s been so serious about her training that she hasnt really made any other friends and…. its nice

its nice to have black sheep loudly slip into the seat next to her and and tease julia about whatever recent historical discovery she’s researching and pull her out of her own head once in a while

and its nice to have black sheep glance over in the middle of class when sheena — sorry tigress — whines about something or the other and roll her eyes in the same way julia feels like doing, even if something strange sticks in her throat when carmen does the same with gray

she can’t pinpoint the exact moment, but at some point, she starts thinking of black sheep as her friend and it’s an exciting enough thought that she’s got a little smile on her face next time black sheep slips into the seat next to her in professor maelstrom’s class

and at some point julia stops being just julia to black sheep, and starts being jules because we’re in a school for thieves, but we’ve already got plenty of ~jules~ right here and thats sincerely the worst joke i’ve ever heard and oh really ~jules~? bet i could find an even worse one

and like all the usual stuff is still happening in the background — shadowsan-black sheep rivalry, gray and the Squad being black sheep’s friends, the phone and player, etc.

its just that now, black sheep has a bit of a calming influence and that does help!

and they work well enough that most people assume that julia and black sheep will be partners after graduation 

even crackle acknowledges it — despite the jealousy he feels at the knowledge

so things continue and all this happens, but then comes finals.

things go the same. black sheep gets perfect scores in all of her exams, except stealth 101

julia — now the historian — can’t help but check for whether black sheep graduated too and just as she does, she hears crackle say it: she didn’t pass

and she wants to go to black sheep and ask if she’s okay because everyone knows how much black sheep’s wanted this, how much she’s been working for it, but by the time gray’s been dragged off by tigress, black sheep has disappeared and julia has no idea where she’s gone

so she waits for a bit in the cafeteria and in the dorms and anywhere else she thinks that black sheep would be and she sees… nothing

and about twelve hours after the results, the faculty pulls her for her first mission (for context, this is before the whole,,, hear the true name of vile thing) which is basically being a plant for the morocco mission, by pretending to be an archaeology phd student from oxford who’s come to study the findings in the excavation

and she’s busy enough with that that she barely gets to think about black sheep or graduation or anything other than the near-overwhelming anxiety that comes with the horrifying ordeal of potentially being Known but she just manages to figure out like,,, guard rotations, as well as the exact objects that are at the site for the vile squad to steal

and then she’s out before they even get there — julia’s pattern recognition and historical knowledge made her pretty useful when it comes to planning capers so it meant that she’s always travelling around the world ahead of each caper, but would also make her a pretty invaluable asset to vile, so they can’t afford to get her caught

julia doesnt hear about black sheep nearly messing up morocco until much later, and even then, she doesn’t have all the info

all she can do is wonder why the hell the faculty would fail someone who somehow managed to sneak out of vile island without anyone realising until much later

and yes, maybe a part of her misses her old partner, but she knows that it wouldn’t matter anyway — she was the mole, and she’d barely get to work directly with carmen so.

but then cut to a year later, when a vile counterfeit operation in boston is suddenly sabotaged

cut to the moment when, julia, despite not having seen her in a year, is still able to somehow recognise black sheep’s work

its Slick. its the Slickness that tips her off, and part of her is reluctant to tell the faculty who it is, but her allegiance demands it and she tells the faculty and she hates herself for it when she sees the murderous rage on each of their faces

and somehow, that — her ability to recognise this carmen sandiego — gets her in a new position, as a mole in interpol, passing on the information they get as they try to track the scarlet super thief as well

and then one day, in poitiers, julia sees her

its black sheep. it’s undeniably black sheep under that red trench coat and julia wants to go and talk to her capture her and bring her in to vile but her new partner ~chase devineaux~ is everything that once made her turn away from her interest in law enforcement and he orders her to call for backup while he tries to stroke his own ego

she does, of course, but maybe she delays it a bit, if only because she’d rather let carmen sandiego get away than have devineaux’s ego get any bigger

and the rest of the season goes much the same except after julia ends up in acme, she reports to vile about everything that’s going on, and they no longer suspect devineaux of helping carmen etc etc

and she can’t help but somewhat sympathise with what carmen’s doing — she’s returning invaluable historical artefacts and julia’s always loved history and- it’s just… altruistic. and that’s admirable. and that’s the only reason i feel so torn about helping vile. that’s it, that’s the only reason.

and then comes the chasing paper caper

what was originally the first real conversation between julia and carmen goes completely differently

(note that most vile operative outside of jules’ graduating class do not know of her existence bc she barely interacts with most of them since she’s more a spy/mole who’s out of the picture by the time anyone else gets on the scene)

carmen still needs to be able to spy on paper star without anyone noticing, so she still goes for the seat right in front of the cute short-haired girl sitting alo- and oh my god jules?

and its the first time julia has heard that nickname in over a year and oh God they were just friends this should Not hit this hard what the Heck

and carmen still sits down and just quietly grills her as to what the hell is going on bc she Knows that jules is a always a mole and never an active part of a caper and she doesn’t?? understand??

and jules is kind of in a daze, but she’s been Trained so she feeds carmen her cover story:

she defected from vile when she saw how they were treating historical artefacts — melting down gold, selling priceless works of art to the highest bidder, etc. etc. — and that since then she’s been silently helping interpol with taking down vile ops, etc.

and it takes a bit but carmen kind of starts to believe it — she knows julia loves history with all her heart, and she’s… well, she’s never been the kind of recruit that carmen’s expected to see in vile anyway, so. it’s not out of the realm of possibility, is it, for julia to be a defector working against vile? after all, isn’t she the same?

so she starts looking around, while waiting for paper star to make a move, and she ends up noticing the briefcase in the seat next to her, and for some reason, those initials — clearly chase devineaux — make her want to scowl

“new partner?” “oh… its… well, work. work... partner” “oh.”

uhhh anyway i might actually. write this? idk don’t count on anything lmaooo.

#carmen sandiego #carmen sandiego (show) #carmen sandiego (character) #julia argent #carulia #carjules #julethief #my au #this took SO long to write out but it was so Worth it

[prisonhannibal]

Do you have any tips for drawing when you have 0 creativity or how you learned to draw, like courses or tutorials or just straight practice? I used to be a decent artist but then became v depressed with art being a trigger for me so I stopped drawing for years, now I’m passed that I think but I draw complete blanks, I can’t even doodle anymore bc even absentmindedly nothing comes to my head lol

Yes! Okay, here’s the part of my reply that sucks and isn’t helpful, but I’m bipolar, so I have episodes where I’ll draw for like 12 hours straight every day for weeks to months, so I don’t have to force the inspiration and motivation or get myself into the groove. Overall this disorder causes Problems, but that’s where I’m coming from I guess

I can relate to having LONG depressions where I don’t even touch my tablet, so I have some advice for drawing during or immediately after a depression (or just in general if you’re not feeling it)

The thing is just that you have to get into the habit again. Creativity builds creativity, and the more I draw the more ideas I have. I think it makes me look at things around me with a drawing mindset (”Oh that’s what that thing looks like from that angle/what a hand looks like holding a coffee cup/this is how to draw that thing...”) and I notice things around me.

The less you draw the harder it is to get started

Unfortunately in my experience I just have to force myself to do it until it finally clicks, which always happens if I keep trying

You can draw for five minutes, that’s fine

It helps to carry a sketchbook and draw things you notice (like what I mentioned earlier) or random ideas you have. If you’re depressed and have an idea on the bus, it’s pretty likely you won’t draw it when you get home, do it now (also makes it more likely you will use the idea for something when you get home!)

The most important part is literally just do it

If an idea is “too big/difficult/you dont have the skills for it”, do it anyway. You don’t have to make a project, just make one concept sketch with zero detail or something

it’ll either be easier than you thought (and you can finish it at some point!) or it’ll be as difficult as you thought. but if it is that hard, you’ve forced yourself to make it a physical thing, not just something abstract you don’t even know where to start with. And it’ll be easier next time!! Every drawing is one step closer to the next one and the one 30 steps from now. 

JUST DO THINGS seriously it DOESNT HAVE TO BE GOOD!! it can be a stick figure!!! just dont let your ideas die!!!!!!!!

The other most important thing is to break it up into smaller pieces

If it’s hard to draw/get started, don’t just sit down and tell yourself to draw. Tell yourself “I’ll do one sketch for this, no details just the concept”, or “I’ll draw for 30 minutes”. 

It’s easier to break it up into pieces so you don’t get overwhelmed

Why is this so important???? Because you will probably either:

keep drawing after the 30 minutes are over because you got into the zone (this usually happens to me lol)

not keep drawing, but now you have 30 minutes more work that you can keep working on later instead of starting from scratch. also you’ve DRAWN!!! which is another step in forcing yourself into the mindset and habit!!!

This is so good for my adhd it really helps

Dont decide to draw for hours every day, it’s just gonna make you frustrated and give up. try to be patient but consistent

In your case specifically, since you have done art in the past, please be extra kind and patient with yourself. Art is a not a talent it’s a skill that can be learned, but that also means you can get out of practice. If you’re not where you used to be, that’s fine, don’t be hard on yourself, you’ll get there. Focus on the process and the joy in creating things, not the finished product, that’s generally a good mindset to have with art, I think. getting back to things you used to like after a depression can be hard, but it’s so so so important, and right now the most important thing to remember is that you’re getting there again

Like I said, everything you draw gets you closer to future drawings, don’t give up in frustration because things aren’t “good” or its difficult, this is the foundation for things that come later

good luck I hope you can find happiness in drawing again <3 

#Anonymous

[gottlem]

one out of a thousand others. (lemyanka)

summary: lemon meets her soulmate on the same day she starts at a brand new school - the only problem is she has no way of knowing , out of all the people she meets, who it actually is. (4.9k)

a/n: well, this took so long to write, so i hope u like it !! i was gonna write this for crygi but i decided to write it for these two instead even though its a lil less popular lol. this is purely self indulgent bc i LOVE soulmate aus so. here we are. also title taken from a line in falsettos lol

-

“So, Pri, you meet your soulmate tomorrow right?” Boa was right, according to the date marked on Priyanka’s upper thigh, tomorrow was the day. It still didn’t quite feel real yet, that she would meet the person she was meant to be with forever. Part of her was terrified that they wouldn’t get along, that somehow, something had gone wrong at some point. Part of her couldn’t wait to meet someone she should be able to just click with so easily. People wait their entire lives to meet The One, and right now, she only has to wait one more day.

“Yeah tomorrow’s the day! I wonder what they’re like” Priyanka hadn’t planned to do or go anywhere out of the ordinary, she would go to school, go home, and see wherever else the day might take her. But for now, she just had to get back home after school. They spent the walk home bumping into each other's shoulder and theorizing about what her soulmate might be like, though there was only one problem.

Boa, Priyanka’s best friend and self-proclaimed-platonic-soulmate, had no idea that Priyanka was expecting her actual soulmate to be a girl. There wasn’t necessarily a reason she hadn’t yet told Boa, it just never came up. And now it was too late to bring it up, too awkward. Except she’s meeting her tomorrow and Boa will either be completely oblivious, or will figure it out far too quickly.

Avoiding pronouns got old fast, but luckily it was still relatively easy to stick with using they/them, seeing as though she was talking about someone she didn’t know. She could keep this from Boa for just one more day, and then she’d just have to figure out how to break the news. Or maybe she wouldn’t even have to, maybe Boa would just be able to sense it from how they interacted. The uncertainty of it all was quite concerning, but she was sure she would push through it anyway.

Priyanka did not sleep well that night. She was going to meet her soulmate. The girl that would complete her, make her a better version of herself. It was scary, but exciting. She couldn’t wait, really. No matter how nerve-wrecking it became the more she thought about it, she also felt comforted. It was meant to be. She was about to find someone who will love her so strongly, and someone she can love right back. She was lucky, really, to find her soulmate so young. They’d be able to grow together, face the world and adulthood together when the time came. She had the rest of her life ahead of her and she couldn’t wait to spend it falling in love with her other half.

-

Lemon couldn’t wait to meet her soulmate. The only problem was she would have absolutely no idea who is. She thought long and hard about the ways she could whittle it down, but the only distinctive factor was that she knew her soulmate would be a girl, and they would meet tomorrow. Maybe she would just know? Maybe they’d catch eyes in the hallway and something would just click. That’s what she hoped would happen anyway, but knowing her luck, there would be no such thing.

She was starting a brand new school tomorrow, slap-bang in the middle of a school year. She was about to be the new kid. It was just unlucky that the very day she would start a new school, consequently meeting hundreds of kids, she was also supposed to meet her soulmate. Of course, whoever it may be should know straight away that their soulmate is Lemon. She’d be the only new girl, and therefore the only person they meet that day. So, at least they’re not both completely clueless, right?

Lemon fell asleep almost the exact moment her head hit her pillow. She had spent the last hour or two taking extra care in the shower, brushing her teeth, and going through her usually skipped over skincare routine. She even read her book for an extra half hour in an attempt to calm her butterflies, it worked well enough for her to fall asleep. Her dreams were fuelled by a mixture of anxiety and excitement (though some would argue they’re exactly the same) but she didn’t remember any by the time she woke up.

When the sun rose that morning, Lemon could feel herself getting giddier by the minute. It was a beautiful day - sunny, but not too warm. The perfect day to meet your soulmate. Walking into the doors for the first time, Lemon watched as unfamiliar faces passed by her with questioning looks, wondering who she was. Some of them had already begun to introduce themselves, unbeknownst to the date of her mark.

Lemon was sure she’d be fine. She was outgoing, and always willing to make new friends, so being the new girl wasn’t as scary as it should be. However, when every single person you meet is a potential soulmate, things start to get overwhelming. Her morning consisted of getting slightly lost on the way to her English class, introducing herself to 60+ people before lunch, and constantly being on the lookout for the look in someone's eye that tells her she’s the one. She never found that look.

-

Priyanka was having an awful morning. She had heard whispers of a new girl in school, and her heart managed to sink and soar at the same time. She promised herself she wouldn’t look for her, they would find each other when the time was right. And apparently the time was right just as Priyanka was speed walking, and definitely not paying attention, towards the dining hall for lunch after promising Boa she wouldn’t be late. She was fishing for her phone in her bag as she bumped into a wide eyed girl that she didn’t recognise.

In a flash, the girl was on the floor, picking up the books that Priyanka had managed to whack out of her grip.

‘Good going Pri, you just had the most cliche fucking meeting with your soumate and she probably doesn’t even know it, happy?’

Priyanka was quick to bend down to help the girl, apologising for being so careless. The girl looked up and smiled, Priyanka thought her heart might have stopped in that moment.

“It’s okay girl! Let’s just blame it on the fact that I’m the new girl so by the laws of the universe, something at least a little embarrassing has to happen to me. I mean, it wouldn't be a complete first day if it didn’t. I’m Lemon.”

“I thought I didn’t recognise you, I’m Priyanka… Wait, did you just say Lemon? Like the citrus fruit?”

“Well, my real name is Lena, Lemon’s just a nickname. Literally everyone just calls me Lemon though, especially pretty girls who don’t look at where they’re going. Besides, yellow does suit me, don’t you think?”

Priyanka did think. She thought this girl, Lemon, was stunning. And she was right, yellow was her colour. Her hair was a light blonde, but the ends were a pastel yellow and her shirt an even brighter yellow; Priyanka thought it must take some guts to wear such a bold colour on your first day, but you’ve got to make an impression somehow right? Besides, she was well aware that Lemon would have the same date she did on her thigh - which meant Lemon knew she was meeting her soulmate today. Chances are, she didn’t have any idea who it would be though, Priyanka couldn’t even imagine how many new people Lemon would have met today. But that would mean Lemon didn’t know that she and Priyanka were soulmates, only Priyanka did. So she would have to be the one to make some kind of move. She can’t watch her soulmate just walk away.

“Hey, do you have anyone to sit with at lunch?”

“I was planning on walking around aimlessly trying to find a clique that looks like they wouldn’t wanna bite my head off, so no, but I’m assuming I do now?”

Priyanka just took her soulmate’s hand in response, taking her to the dining hall to meet Boa. She hoped she could keep it together for the next 60 minutes. It shouldn’t be that hard. All she had to do was avoid the topic of romance and soulmates and she would be fine. Boa knew that bringing it up with a stranger was a bit too intimate for the first hour of knowing someone, so hopefully she wouldn't have to worry about her.

Luckily for Priyanka, her friend didn’t think twice about her invitation for Lemon to join them at lunch, assuming that her soulmate would be a boy, which Lemon was not. On the other hand, it meant that Priyanka spent an hour with her soulmate who probably had no idea they were meant to be, but who also kept flirting with her anyway. It was torture. She couldn't even tell her, not with Boa there. So when Priyanka wrote down Lemon’s instagram handle, she decided she would come clean to her tonight. 

-

Lemon had long abandoned the idea of finding her soulmate through glances in the hallway. She figured her soulmate would have the sense to know that she’d be meeting too many people to be able to single out the one, and she would make the first move, or at least say something to clue Lemon in. But that didn’t seem to happen all day.

Eating lunch with Priyanka and her friend was nice, but she had no reason to believe they were soulmates. As far as Lemon knew, Priyanka could just be trying to make up for the incident in the halls. Eventually her soulmate would show herself, but that didn’t stop Lemon from letting herself think that maybe her soulmate was sitting right in front of her.

Walking home that day, Lemon felt defeated. She wasn’t any closer to knowing who her soulmate was than when the day first started, except now she knew she had most definitely met them by now, unless she bumped into someone on the way home. She didn’t. She unlocked her front door and went straight to her bedroom. Her body felt heavy, she just had to lie down for a minute.

A notification from her phone was what woke her up a couple hours later. She barely even realised she had fallen asleep until she checked the time and it was already 7pm. There were two notifications, both from Instagram. She had one new follower, and a private message. It wasn’t too surprising to Lemon that both were Priyanka, remembering she had given her handle to the girl earlier that day. 

itsmepri: Hey, Lemon! How was your first day? 

lemongivesyoulife: well i accidentally slept for almost four hours the second i got home, so i would say it went exactly the way i expected

itsmepri: It only gets worse from here girl

lemongivesyoulife: yeah i’m rlly looking forward to my breakdown scheduled in about two months time :)) 

lemongivesyoulife: but honestly i’m just glad nobodys been shitty to me yet, i’m just waiting until someone decides to ~prey on the new girl~

itsmepri: Don’t worry too much! Most groups just kind of stick to themselves, so if you just stay with me and Boa, you shouldn’t get into too much trouble

itsmepri: Only if you want, you don’t HAVE to be my friend just because I accidentally ran into you on your first say (sorry again for that, Boa’s a bitch when you keep her waiting)

lemongivesyoulife: i’d love that, actually ;)

lemongivesyoulife: and again don’t even worry about it! something tells me it happened for a reason

-

Priyanka had planned to tell Lemon that they were soulmates, she really had, but there was something stopping her that she couldn't quite place. Maybe it was fear that Lemon would be disappointed, maybe she liked the way Lemon flirted with her without even knowing. Whatever it was, it was clear she wasn’t quite ready to come clean yet. At 11:59pm, Priyanka’s phone started to ring, showing Boa’s display name, because who else would call her at midnight on a school night.

“This better be good if you’re ringing me at midnight to talk about it”

“I don’t know if it’s good, you’ll have to tell me.”

“Tell you what, exactly?”

“Who’s your soulmate? What are they like?”

Fuck. She really should have thought of something to say. The problem was, if Priyanka told Boa what was happening, that Lemon was her soulmate and only she knew, she would end up trying to take things into her own hands. That would be… disastrous. She just wanted to have everything go at her own pace. She could come clean to Lemon once they were good enough friends, and then they avoid the awkward ‘we don’t know each other well enough to officially date but also we’re soulmates so automatically we’re kind of dating anyways’ phase. Everything would fall into place. She just had to lie to her best friend for a bit. No biggie.

“Helloooo? Pri? You there?”

“Yeah I’m here. Just zoned out”

“God, did you even meet your soulmate?” Here goes nothing.

“Yeah. We’re uh, taking it slow for now. We bumped into each other when I was walking home. We’re just keeping things on the dl so we can really get to know each other first.”

That didn’t fully satisfy Boa. She wanted to know far too much far too quickly, but Priyanka managed to dodge the giveaway questions. It wasn’t easy, but she survived that phone call without giving anything away, feeling a sense of dread for when she’d eventually have to tell the truth.

The next day, Priyanka and Boa are joined by Lemon at lunch again. She sat herself down with blushing cheeks and a toothy smile, and without even greeting her new friends first, she asked “Can you tell me everything about Gothy?” Priyanka tried her best not to show her distaste towards the girl, and instantly asked why, trying not to sound defensive already. Maybe it was nothing.

“She asked me on a date. I think I’m gonna go.”

Priyanka wanted so badly to tell her not to. But she still just wasn’t ready. What stung the most was Boa, whispering into her ear, telling her that at least Lemon’s not being shy about her soulmate. Priyanka left lunch early that day, not without warning Lemon to be careful.

-

Gothy was in a few of Lemon’s classes, but she found out on the girls second day that they had gym together too. She didn’t mean to see her mark, honest. But she did. And she was the new girl. So why shouldn’t she have some fun? It’s not like she had a soulmate she was betraying, her whole body being void of a date.It was easy to flirt with her, easy to ask her out, and easy to get her to say yes. Lemon probably assumed that Gothy was her soulmate, and was finally trying to make a move. She couldn’t be more wrong. 

-

“Hey Boa?” She couldn’t believe it took Gothy trying to play some stupid fucking mind game for her to finally tell her best friend that she was gay. But hey, at least she was doing it.

“Whats up Pri, you ok?” Her voice sounded crackly over the phone, but talking about this in person was just too nerve-wracking.

“I uh, lied, about my soulmate… It’s actually Lemon”

Silence. 

“No, Lemon’s soulmate is Gothy, why else would they be going on a date?”

Well, at least she didn’t question the part where her soulmate’s a girl, right? Always look on the bright side.

“Well. You and me both know that Gothy would do anything to fuck me over, ever since we fell out last year she’s been waiting for the right opportunity. She knew my date. I don’t know how she saw Lemon’s but she must have at some point, or maybe she told her? Either way, Gothy’s mean, but she’s smart. She’d have figured out it was me and Lemon in no time”

“They have Gym together”

“Oh.”

“Okay but what about Gothy’s soulmate?”

“Gothy doesn’t have one. She told me when we were friends and I just kept it a secret because, well I guess it's not really anyone’s business. But now she’s just causing trouble”

“I had a feeling it was Lemon. They way you look at her, it makes me want to meet mine. You do realise you’re going to have to tell her at one point though, right?”

Telling Boa was one thing. Coming clean to Lemon? Yeah she wasn’t ready for that, at all. Especially not with Gothy involved. It pained her to hear Lemon gush about the girl every other day over lunch, she knew Gothy could be charming, and when Lemon had flirted with her she felt desired. They would be a perfect pair. Except they’re not. Because Priyanka is her soulmate, not Gothy. And there is only one way Lemon could find out.

-

About two weeks had passed of Priyanka trying her best to ignore Lemon and Gothy’s relationship when she got a text from the yellow haired girl at 1am on a Wednesday night (technically Thursday morning).

lemmy<3: u were right about gothy :(

Her heart sank. Sure, if she and Gothy ended things, it made everything so much easier for Priyanka, but it still didn’t feel nice to see her soulmate upset.

pri: Oh no what happened??

lemmy<3: ik its super late

lemmy<3: and u don’t have to say yes like at all. pls feel free to tell me to shut up n go to sleep

lemmy<3: but could i maybe come over and sleep at yours tonight? i need some company

lemmy<3: i need ur company

pri: Ofc, come through the back, it’s quieter. I’ll be waiting there for u 

Lemon was there in no time. When the back door opened, tired eyes met teary ones as Lemon ran forward to hug her friend. She would feel bad about crying in front of someone she hadn’t even known for that long, but something about her presence made her feel like she was at home.

Priyanka lead Lemon up to her bedroom, and they lay side by side on her queen sized bed, faces staring up at the ceiling, and sour tears slowly hitting the pillow. It was silent for a while. 

“Hey Lem, we have school tomorrow, you should try and get some sleep hun, you’re going to be exhausted.”

There was no reply, Lemon just turned onto her side, facing away from Priyanka, her shoulders shaking slightly, she was trying to keep them still. All Priyanka could do was turn around and wrap her arms around the girl. She played with her hair until she heard the sniffles turn into light snores. She couldn’t help but think they sounded cute. 

Gothy wasn’t mentioned again until the Saturday night after the incident, when Lemon had stayed over for the night, at Priyanka’s suggestion. The soft yellow glow of a lamp was the only thing that lit the girls faces as they talked into the hours of the night. Just as Priyanka was changing into an oversized long shirt for bed, Lemon spoke up about Wednesday night.

“I met my soulmate the day I started at school. There was no way of telling who it was, not with the amount of people I met that day. So when Gothy asked me out, I just assumed that she knew we were soulmates. I found out the hard way that that was so fucking far from the truth” Her voice was barely above a whisper, and it sounded so fragile, as if she could barely keep it together. She almost laughed at the end, though it was empty and void of any humour.

“How did you find out?” Priyanka began to make her way back to the bed, Lemon just stared at her.

“How do you think? I looked, there was no mark, not anywhere. She didn’t even acknowledge it when I pointed out that it was just, nowhere. I left. I’m just happy I realised before we did anything, you know?”

Priyanka shivered at the thought of Gothy taking advantage of Lemon like that, she felt guilty. She could have avoided this if she had just told Lemon. But it was too late now, even if she told her tonight, it would be like salt on an open wound. She’d give it another week, for Lemon’s sake.

They didn’t talk about Gothy after that. They were both quick to move the conversation as far away from romance and soulmates as possible, and once the touchy subject had finally been forgotten about, the hours passed like minutes and soon enough Priyanka’s eyes felt heavy.

“My head hurts” 

“It’ll be because you’ve had your hair up all day, Pri, just take it out”

“But it’ll still hurt once it's loose!” Lemon chuckled affectionately at her friend’s whining. 

“C’mere” 

Priyanka didn't even fight it. She sat opposite Lemon on her bed, so their knees were touching. Lemon turned her to face the other way, and took her ponytail out. 

“Lie down” She patted her lap for Priyanka to lay her head there, and the girl happily complied, giving out a content sigh when she felt gentle hands massage her scalp. It didn’t take her long to drift off to sleep, never feeling Lemon take her hands away from her hair.

It was once Priyanka had been asleep for maybe five minutes max when her leg moved, causing her shirt to ride up just enough to see the date marked on her thigh.

-

When Priyanka woke up, Lemon was nowhere to be seen. She was going to check downstairs to see if she had decided to grab herself breakfast, but she noticed a small handwritten note on her bedside table.

“i started to feel sick so i went home just after you fell asleep. didn’t wanna wake you up. -lemon”

Priyanka sat on the edge of her bed with a huff. She seemed fine last night, so how could Lemon have fallen ill so quickly? That was when Priyanka caught her mark just out of the corner of her eye. If she could see it when she was sat down, then…

Shit. Fuck. She needed to talk to Lemon. She couldn't just show up at the girls house, she didn’t even know where she lived, so she settled for the next best thing - ringing her until she picked up or turned her phone off. She lost track of how many times she had pressed the call button by the time she got a text back.

lemmy<3: what is it?

priyanka: you didn’t leave bc you were sick, did you?

lemmy<3: why didn’t you just tell me? Instead of letting me wonder and wonder and end up getting hurt?

priyanka: please come back and let me explain! I promise i won’t keep you long

lemmy<3: no, not today. sorry.

Her messages stopped getting delivered after that.

-

Priyanka and Lemon didn’t see eachother again until lunch on Monday, when Lemon hesitantly sat down at the table, already occupied by Priyanka and Boa. Priyanka just looked up at her, smiling sadly, and hoped that she’d at least stay for lunch. 

Lemon wanted so badly to find somewhere else to sit. She didn’t hate Priyanka, she could never, and she wasn’t mad either, she didn’t think. She just needed some time to digest. Priyanka had weeks to come to terms with the fact that they were soulmates, and Lemon found out after she discovered she had been lied to about hers by someone else. 

They both looked like shit. Priyanka couldn’t find it in herself to smile as much as she normally does, and Lemon’s shoulders lost their usually perfect posture. Plus, she had resorted to wearing her glasses to school, even though she hated them. Crying in contacts was never good for her, and right now she couldn't quite hold herself back for a whole day.

Boa noticed something was off between them not even a minute after Lemon sat down, she had wondered why Priyanka had been so withdrawn over the weekend. Guess she had her answer.

“Okay, so I’m just gonna go… you two need to sort out whatever is going on between y’all, kay? Kay.”

Neither of them said anything for a minute. Priyanka just played with her food, while Lemon played with the idea of taking off her glasses so she didn’t need to see Priyanka have this conversation with her. 

“I uh, couldn’t really sit anywhere else. I don’t have many other friends after what happened with Gothy. Now I’m the new girl who fell for a girl without a soulmate. I didn’t even like her that much. I don’t feel connected to her.” Priyanka hummed in response.

“Do you feel connected to me?” She hoped Lemon would say yes.

“I don’t need to answer that; we’re soulmates, Pri. I wish I knew that sooner though”

“I know. I know and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I was just scared. I was scared because I knew that I’d meet you, I knew you were coming, and I was still taken aback. I didn’t expect this stunning, flirty, yellow haired girl who is funny and caring and-”

“Stop it. I know I’m great” Lemon flipped her hair behind her as she slipped into a mock valley girl voice. 

“See! That’s what I mean. You must be hurting, so much, and you’re sitting in front of the girl who was so shitty to you, cracking jokes?” Lemon laughed softly, a pity laugh if anything.

“ Yeah, you’re right. I am hurting,” her tone lacked any humour from before, “ And I get that you were scared and didn’t know what to do, and I’m not mad or anything. I promise. I just- can we maybe not speak for a bit? Get some space? I just need time. God, I hate it when people say that, but I think that’s what I need. And I promise, when I’m over whatever I’m feeling, I will more than gladly start this adventure with you. I’m glad you’re my soulmate. I promise”

And with that, Lemon stood up and left.

-

It was only Wednesday afternoon when Priyanka next heard from Lemon. Though she couldn’t complain, she had started to miss her before she even left the dining hall two days ago.

lemmy<3: i miss u

pri: not that i’m not happy to hear from u bc i am, but what happened to space?

lemmy<3: fuck space

pri: ok yeah

pri: fuck space

lemmy<3: what are u doing rn? 

pri: nothing, why?

lemmy<3: we’re going to the beach

pri: right now? it’s a school night? and it’s like 6, there’s not much time

lemmy<3: we’re watching the sunset. pick u up in ten. see u soon x

Priyanka didn’t know Lemon could drive until she pulled up outside her house, windows down, looking as beautiful as ever. She was quick to hop in the passenger seat and let Lemon drive to the sound of the radio and the wind. She tried, really tried, to keep her eyes ahead of her, but she couldn't stop stealing glances at Lemon. Her eyes were focused on the road, and the ends of her lips were upturned slightly. She looked happy. It suited her.

The beach was colder than they had anticipated, but it gave them an excuse to sit closer to each other as the sky turned pink and purple and orange. They talked in soft voices, just loud enough for the other girl to hear clearly, but that made their words seem more intimate. There was one point, where the sun had just begun to disappear behind the sea, when Lemon reached for Priyanka's hand, who took it back and squeezed it lightly. Lemon’s head rested on her shoulder until the sun was completely replaced by a black sky and a myriad of stars looking down on them.

The drive home was quiet, they were both tired, and both hyper-aware of the fact they’d have to wake up early for school tomorrow. But tomorrow didn’t really matter much, not when they had their whole lives to spend together. Lemon dropped Priyanka off at her house with a hug, a beaming smile, and a promise to text her when she got home.

Priyanka received a text from Lemon much sooner than she expected, after only five minutes of Lemon being gone.

lemmy<3: come outside

lemmy<3: i think i forgot something

She opened her door to see Lemon looking at her with stars in her eyes.

“Lem I really don’t know how I can help if you’ve forgotten something, we went in your car.” Priyanka sighed, “okay, what did you forget?”

“This”

And just like that, Lemon took a step forward and pressed their lips together softly. They stayed like that for a minute, Lemons arms around her neck, their lips slowly moving against eachother. It was surprising how easily they just fit together. They felt like they could stay like this forever, but eventually Priyanka pulled back, knowing they’d have to stop eventually.

“Hm. I’m glad you remembered that. Can’t believe you almost forgot.”

#THERE IT IS Y’ALL #lemyanka soulmates #it had to be done #priyanka #lemyanka #lemon cdr #lemon queen #lemon x priyanka #ft gothg kendoll a lil bit #also boa

[lovefollowsknowledge]

Rejoice! It is time.

This picture was taken just a little over 5 years ago. More specifically, it was taken on October 22, 2015 while I was living in Michigan. And ever since October 22 of this year I have been trying to get the words out of what this year’s anniversary of this picture has meant to me, but every time I feel like I come up short. I’ve tried to write it out, pray it out, and talk it out with those closest to me, but every time I feel like I’m at a lost for words as to how to adequately convey what this year’s anniversary means to me. Because for the first time, I am not afraid.

I usually hate this time of year. During this time of year I usually avoid any old posts, old pictures, and most especially any old memories. I try to avoid anything that could remind of the day this was taken. Because on this day 5 years ago, I went into the hospital for my first time ever. It was for my depression. The days and weeks leading up to this day were intense. My mind was completely gripped by the conviction of suicide. I was starting to think in lasts. Last time I would see my family, last time I would talk to friends, last time I would drive down roads, last time I would walk along paths.

There was one time in particular I was walking along a path I had been walking almost daily. It was actually a beautiful fall day, but my mind was very very dark. I started to see everything as an opportunity, and I had already made up my mind that once I got back home that would be it. But by God’s providence alone, I was met with a busy house, too busy to do anything so severe. So I trudged along.

There was another day in particular where I was alone at work. I had gone to vigil Mass and stayed behind uncontrollably sobbing in my pew till everyone was gone and all the lights shut off. It was to the point I even had another parishioner check on me before they left. I bawled all the way down the hallway back to my office and tried so hard to distract myself with work and worship music, but nothing helped. Eventually I sought out professional help, but even that brought no relief. But again, by God’s providence alone, my therapist from California, who I hadn’t talked to in 8 months, randomly called me just to check in and talked me through all the thoughts I was having. She told me “Don’t let this be the end. FIGHT! Which for you mostly means, RECEIVE!”

One other time that I will always remember was one evening we all came back home from something, maybe vigil Mass, and it was one of those days where I had to fight with all my strength not to completely break down. So the moment we got home, I went straight to my room, locked the door, and just tossed and turned in agony on my bed not knowing how to deal with the swirl of sadness, darkness, hopelessness going on in my head. I texted Ate right away that I wouldn’t be joining them that night for whatever dinner or movie they were gonna do. But she sent Jobo to go check on me. I paced the room debating if I should just push through, let him in, and go join them. I decided against it and shooed him off. But with God’s loving and relentless providence, He sends Ate down to check on me who refuses to let me keep the door locked. I open the door, and immediately she just scoops me up in all my despair and lets me cry in her arms. We spend the rest of the night just laying in my bed as I word vomit all the sadness I had been bottling up.

Finally the day came when my doctor wouldn't let me sit in my thoughts anymore. It just wasn't safe. So she made me promise I’d take myself to the hospital, call her when I got there, and have the hospital call her if they didn’t admit me. I drove home completely stunned, shocked, and dumbfounded that it had actually reached that point. It was one of those drives I had no idea how I got home. Very emptily, I packed my stuff trying to accept the fact that I was going to the hospital with a very high chance of me staying there overnight. My brother called in that moment, and that’s when I started to break. He told me, “This is only the beginning, and I can’t wait to see you come out the other side. You’re gonna be so much stronger.” He then asked if I wanted him and Rose to come out, and very timidly, I said yes. It was hard for me to admit, but I really really needed them in that moment. I needed the assurance of love. I needed to know it was going to be okay. I needed to be taken care of. So I gave in.

That night was by far the scariest moment of my life. Kuya and Ate stayed with me till the doctors and nurses said that was as far as they could go and as long as they could stay. My heart sunk in that moment as things started to get more and more real with them leaving. I did my orientation interview with the nurse, and that’s when she told me the soonest I could get out of there was Monday bc the minimum was usually 3 days and the discharge doctor doesn’t work on weekends. Monday was 4 days away. I went to bed that night in medical robes and bawled myself to sleep. If I didn’t have a roommate I would probably be wailing with every bit of fear and anxiety within me. I was doing one of those big silent cries, where the weight is so heavy but I’m not able to make a sound.

The next 4 days were intense as I had to face my darkness straight in the eyes for my first time, with no other distractions, no other escape. I spent my days calling anyone I possibly could from those free phones, just desperate to hear a voice outside those hospital walls. Something to keep me grounded that there is life outside of this, there is hope and people waiting for me. I lived for 4-5pm, the one hour a day we were allowed to have visitors. That first day in particular, it felt like forever till Ate got there. Ohhh but when she did, it was over. We were a mess. We both hated that I was there, and we both desperately wanted me to leave, but I just couldn’t. The following days Ced and Rose were there, and a couple times even brought me the Eucharist :) It was a scary time, but also very reflective. At this point I was 99.9999% convinced I was made for suicide, and if anyone found me loved and lovable, it was them that was being deceived. But the nurses and doctors couldn’t understand why I was there because it was clear I had a good life and was blessed with a solid support system. But as I was reading through my notes from my time there - which I almost never do, except this year - I wrote what one of the doctors told me, “life starts over every 5 years, stick around and see if it gets good.”

And well, here I am 5 years later, and for the first time, instead of running in fear from the memories of this time in year, the only word I can come up with to sum up how I’m feeling is REJOICE. This year on October 22 all I wanted to do was rejoice over the memories. Instead of hiding in shame, I wanted everyone to know it’s been 5 years bc I’m honestly so proud. Because waking up on October 22, 2020 it felt like I could finally exhale. There’s something about this year that makes me feel like I can finally say, “You did it. You survived. It’s over.” There’s something about this year that makes it feel like this chapter of depression is finally over, and I can now move on. And I wish I can tell you what exactly made it that way, but I just can’t. Maybe there’s more to process, but it’s as if I just found myself on the other side. The other side that Ced talked to me about right before I went in. It’s like one of those war movies, where the scene cuts just as they’re in the middle of big explosions, and everything feels overwhelming. But the very next scene is the solider waking up, and the next thing he knows is the war is done. The battle was won, he fought the good fight, and he’s free to return home. That’s where I’ve seemed to find myself. It’s as if I found myself with the strength that Ced almost prophesied over me right before I went in. And it blows me away that on the one year I’m actually brave enough to read my old notes, this is the one I find - “life starts over every 5 years, stick around and see if it gets good.” And it’s not even that I would write to Past Mare of 5 years ago and say, “Yes! Stick around bc it does get good!” As if all this will go away soon and all my dreams will come true. Bc that 100% didn’t happen. But I would tell myself “stick around, feel the feels, voice all the thoughts, and just keep fighting. bc one day, you will find yourself free.”

Bc that’s exactly how I feel - free. It’s as if I’ve been chained down all this time, and by God’s grace the locks have been broken, and I can walk free, no conditions, no tricks, just free. Almost like Genie at the end of Aladdin. He fought the fight, he was faithful, and now the cuffs are simply off and he’s free to go. Just like that. And every time I’ve tried to write this out, pray this out, talk this out, I am brought to tears bc the freedom isn’t just from the fear and despair I felt 5 years ago in that hospital. The truth is that hospital bed was a lonnnng time coming. The tears of rejoicing that I shed now are not only for Hospital-Mare 5 years ago, but for St. Rose-Mare 7 years ago who felt like a piece of shit every single day, Newly Graduated-Mare 8 years ago who felt life was hopeless, Senior Year of College-Mare 9 years ago who couldn’t help but be attracted to the idea, and Senior Year of High School-Mare 13 years ago who felt no one would even notice or care. Bc for the first time in 13 years I am no longer plagued by the conviction that my life is irreversibly hopeless and helpless, that I am intrinsically unloved and unlovable, and that as sure as the sun will rise, I am destined for suicide. For the first time in 5 years I am no longer afraid of this time of year bc there is a still but sure certainty that my life is about to change as this 13 year battle has finally come to an end. Not that depression will be fully behind me and will no longer be a thing for me for the rest of my life, but that depression no longer runs my life. Depression no longer dictates my life. Depression may still be in the car, but it no longer drives the car of my life. And I can’t help but weep over this triumph.

It’s such a trippy and almost anticlimactic experience though bc there really isn’t 1 particular moment I can point to. (Well maybe there is but that might be for another story ;)) But even then, there was more before leading up to that moment. Like so many people, 2020 has brought a lot of loss for me. But most of mine are relationships (for different reasons). I lost a couple relationships with people who have guided me through many years of my life; I lost a very personal and close relationship; I lost the relationships from my job and all those that came with it (at least the nature of them). And while each loss has brought a lot of grief, worry, and tears, at the end of the day there was peace bc it all just felt part of the plan. It felt like watching the series finale of a show where everything starts to find resolution, bringing the show to a final and peaceful close. With every loss this year, it felt like another resolution and another part of the story coming to an end. It felt like the final pages of a book closing. And something in me just knew, this is it.

And again, I wish I could say I went to the hospital and that was it. Life was beautiful and perfect and made complete sense. But that’s just not true. I went 2 more times before moving back home to Cali and went another time for a very long stretch for what ended up being lupus. I lost a lot of dreams and cried many tears of agony and frustration and honestly straight anger towards God. But I had to keep moving. The freedom I live in now didn’t come with one big moment. It came with the last 5 years after the hospital, and the 4 years before the hospital, of doing the hard work in therapy. I had to learn to grow in trust and vulnerability. I had to learn how to receive care and love (probably the hardest part of it all). I had to be docile to practice what I was learning in therapy. I had be honest with my thoughts and feelings to myself, my therapist, the group I was in therapy with, and most especially with those closest to me, especially those I lived with. It also took a lot of trial and error wth medication. It took hard work, and a lot of it was being brave enough to enter into the darkness, let myself feel the feelings and voice the thoughts. It took a lot of letting people speak truth to me and even speaking truth to myself, even if it all felt like a lie. It took faithfulness to holy hours, receiving the Eucharist, and daily prayer time even if all I had was anger or indifference towards God, even if it all felt empty and pointless. It took repeating the name of Jesus, endlessly reciting the Memorare, and begging for St. Michael’s intercession in the scariest moments of my depression. It took long, hard work, but what brings me to cry tears of rejoicing now is not only how long it’s taken me to get here, but remembering the faithfulness of God to His promises.

7 years ago I was given the penance to read the Gospel of Mark, and the verse that struck me right away was Mk 5:41 “Taking her by the hand He said to her, ‘Talitha cumi,’ which means, ‘little girl I say to you, arise.’” Instantly, I knew the Lord was talking to me. The first promise.

5 years ago hiding in my hospital bed, I was looking for a specific verse in Isaiah, but I ended up on Is 43:18-19 “Remember not the events of past, the things of old consider not; see I am doing a new thing! Do you not perceive it? In the wilderness I make a way, in the wasteland, rivers.” Once again, instinctively I knew this was for me. It was the beginning that Ced was talking to me about before going in. The second promise.

Over the last few months, the verse that I find myself repeating to myself over and over, especially in times of most anxiety, fear, and worry is Jer 29:11 “For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope.” The third promise.

This year I can’t help but cry as I look at this picture and reminisce on all the intense trapped darkness because I feel like I am now standing in the fulfillment of these promises He made to me so long ago. I just feel like He’s saying, “it’s time.” It’s finally time for me to rise up. It’s finally time for me to see this new thing He’s been building and shaping for me. It’s finally time for me to walk on the water. It’s time for me to rise out of my fear and reclaim the life and joy depression has stolen from me all those years. And in that rising, in that reclaiming, also comes the gift, the permission, the freedom to dream again and the grace and courage to pursue those dreams. Me! Me, dream again! It’s the most surreal experience that I could actually be free to walk into the light, dare to dream anew, and live unafraid of the consequences should failure come. Me! Unafraid! I just keep thinking, who the heck do I think I am that I could dream and live unafraid? That I could be free to live life joyfully again? To live bravely? To live unchained? Who am I? And I honestly can’t answer that. I can’t say I’m deserving. I can’t say to myself it is safe and possible. But the Lord in all His patience and authority just keeps saying, it is time. Today, once again in God’s providence, I happen to come across Dn 10:19 “Fear not, beloved, you are safe; take courage and be strong.” And I just feel like He’s like “Yes, you!” haha. What trips me up is realizing that healing isn’t always this big, extravagant thing. Sometimes, it’s the slow but steady work of God. Sometimes it’s just doing the work day in and day out, and being faithful to that work, and one day the Lord gives you the grace to see you’re already there. The fight is won, and you are free. No strings attached, no tricks. Just free. 

I don’t have all the answers. In fact, I’ll be honest, I’ve been fighting the Lord like “Are you sure??! bc I have no idea how to do life outside of this depressed world!” I feel like Rapunzel in Tangled, who dreams all those years of leaving her tower to pursue the lights. But once her chance has finally come and she’s able to taste a new, free life, guilt takes over her, and she goes back and forth if it was the right decision - Do I dare to believe my identity could be more than my depression? This reality I’ve known for so much of my life. Do I dare take the Lord up on His offer and leave my dark tower? - But as she keeps going and finally makes it to the boats, she admits she’s afraid, “what if it’s not everything I hoped it would be?…and what if it is?” To which she’s told, “that’s the good part, you get to dream a new dream.” And as things unfold, she suddenly finds herself unafraid. And that’s where I feel I am. It’s scary bc I don’t have all the answers, I don’t have it all completely mapped out like I’d like, but all I know is it is finally my time to arise. It’s time for me to feel that water as I step out of the boat. It's time to dare to dream again, dare to live life again, and this time walk along side our Lord every step of the way. Let Him dream His dreams through me. Let my dreams unite with His. And dare I admit, I’m actually getting excited about it! :)

It’s scary, and it calls for a new level of vulnerability, and I am begging everyday for the courage to lean into this new life. But at this point all I can say is I can’t believe I made it! I can’t believe it’s over! I can’t believe I survived! And I know I wouldn't be here if it weren’t for the countless prayer warriors I have out there, prayer warriors I’m not even aware of. All the prayers, the rosaries, the Masses, the holy hours that have been offered up for me. Graces I’m sure I will be unpacking for the rest of my life. And I most especially wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for those closest to me while I was in the thick of it. Special shout out to the Urginos, to my parents, to Ced and Rose, to Ming and King, and to Age - those that literally stopped their lives just to be by my side 5 years ago. And to Hyds and Anhel who dealt with every frantic text during that time (and who still do) and never tired of speaking truth to me. I’ve screenshotted so many of our texts, and I still go back to them every now and then on some of my hardest days. And of course to my therapists, my doctors, my spiritual directors. For carrying every heavy thought with me and never letting up. And finally, to all my Kuya and Ate Saints, I know it was you guys holding me up and keeping me close to the Lord when I couldn’t do it myself.

Glory to God through Mary! I have no idea what’s next, but thank You in advance for whatever happens from here. Let’s get it!  :)

LDM

[crimeronan]

i wanna hear more about your headcanon of declan as autistic (no pressure! only if u want to)

oh ariana we’re really in it now

not all of these bullet points are specifically related to autism bc this just turned into a post about how fond i am of declan.  however.  autistic declan lynch rights here we go

speech

declanisms

really, keeping a list of action-based conversation starters to meet your goals that all sound like something a caricature of a high-level business executive would say... honey

memorizing clever turns of phrase and the cadence of storytelling

and refusing to ever use this love of language in public lest it make him vulnerable or ruin anything he’s built

having practiced regulating his vocal tone and inflection to make them both as normal and as free of personality as possible

being unable to modulate his vocal tone and inflection when he’s Not actively concentrating on regulating them - speaking impulsively from a place of upset, getting excited about things, etc

physicality

having also practiced his physicality to appear as unthreatening and unobtrusive as possible

mirroring strangers, casual acquaintances, criminal associates

actively schooling himself not to talk with his hands; natural storytelling comes with gesturing and physical involvement

having pleasant conversations and being pleasant to exist around while managing to have absolutely no friends

anxious stomachaches

nervous tics

refusing to allow himself comfortable clothing or a comfortable living space despite seeming to want these things

deciding he can have nice shoes, as a treat (doesn’t have anything to do with neurodivergence i just think it’s cute)

internal emotions

Everything Is Horrible, All The Time, But That’s Fine Because That’s Just How Life Is For Me And I’ve Accepted It

deeply unhappy, deeply bored, deeply exhausted, deeply terrified

given up on dreams and ambitions because they will never be accessible to someone like him (one of those things that in-narrative isn’t autism-related, but sure can be a hashtag relatable feel)

happiness, excitement, joy, any positive emotions are all “dangerous” because they represent a loss of control

zero to one hundred IMMEDIATELY in terms of anger, manic excitement, terror, misery, self-flagellation

constantly self-regulating, compartmentalizing, putting aside, and refusing to act on emotions despite feeling Incredibly Deeply

anxiety

obsessing, catastrophizing, making contingency plans, exploring bad outcomes, regretting past actions literally every single second of every day

aforementioned physical anxiety manifestations

resigned to ronan and matthew’s eventual deaths even when things are Mostly Okay

convinced that if and when something happens to ronan or matthew, it will be his fault

none of these things are autism-related specifically, there’s just something in his repetitive thoughts / methods of self-soothing / ways of internalizing trauma that's..... a feeling

child development

one of those kids who would have been called “precocious”

had developed a system for watching/protecting ronan and trying to convince ronan not to dream things by age five

specific interests in things deemed uninteresting or unimportant

didn’t engage in the same play behavior most kids his age would

got overwhelmed and cried over liking a gift too much

consciously aware of niall’s disdain for him, aurora’s ephemeral nature, and ronan’s dangerousness to himself at age five

some of these things are definitely exacerbated or fully caused by a childhood of emotional neglect and endangerment; autism reading integrates with this rather than replacing it.  i strongly feel declan would still have been a “precocious” child with a healthy happy parental upbringing as well

sense of responsibility

extremely stressed by any situation he can’t control

will attempt to control situations beyond his jurisdiction to minimize this

studies so many parenting books after technically becoming ronan and matthew’s caretaker because he has no frame of reference for parenting and does not trust his instincts

“if you want something done right, do it yourself” a life motto by declan lynch

“everything is my fault, all the time” a life motto by declan lynch

“except when it’s dad’s or ronan’s fault” a pretty fair addendum by declan lynch

mental stimulation

so unbelievably bored with his life situation

THRILLED any time he gets to play games or engage in clever conversation - seen a little in his “crime makes me feel alive” vibes, his back-and-forth banter with jordan

won’t let himself get engaged in things because passion feels unsafe

enjoys himself for about one hour of one single night and then immediately starts cracking to pieces about how living in a constant state of mental dissatisfaction is killing him slowly

somehow manages to be surprised by this turn of events

interests

he hides art he loves in a murder attic like a feral cat who refuses to eat in front of people. i don’t even need to get into this

absolutely immediately enchanted to the point of self-labeled stupidity by watching jordan paint

infodumping about art history

trading art interests with jordan bc he’s legitimately interested and excited by what she knows and feels passionate about

this entire post should just be the murder attic. declan oh my fucking god

aforementioned collecting of language he likes

the whole tyrian purple thing.  again.  declan oh my fucking god

emotional intimacy

craves emotional intimacy but is TERRIFIED of being known and/or being rejected

is convinced he can never and will never have emotional intimacy in his life

has all the stamina of a wet tissue in terms of keeping his emotional secrets when jordan cottons onto them

gets annoyed by relationships with people who want emotional connection but continues playacting through the motions of said relationships in the hopes of being less lonely

comforting people / expressing genuine care

declan attempted to dispense comfort.  “everybody dies, matthew”

i have to put attempted to dispense comfort on the list again.  oh my god.  to declan’s brain, emotional comfort is a vending machine that’s eaten ten dollars in a row and is now falling on him after he made the mistake of shaking it

declan regretted saying anything.  [immediately says the worst thing possible]

write your routine, ronan. now. now. write it. write it down. (because i’m worried you’re going to kill yourself but have no idea how to say that so i have to focus on concrete action.)

every time he’s tried to say “i’m worried about you” and instead gone “why are you inconveniencing me this way.” king

having no sense of how to communicate feelings or solve emotional conflicts through talking despite attempting to do these things frequently, AFTER STUDYING OUT OF BOOKS, to his detriment

preferring to take care of people silently and subtly through protecting them and making things easier for them, extremely similarly to how ronan does

irritability

constantly in a low level fugue state of annoyance

runs on caffeine and fumes

very thin patience for anyone else’s inability to stick to plans, manage time, regulate emotion, do their jobs, follow through on commitments, etc

the unceasing “i’m not unhappy. i’m not unhappy. i’m not unhappy” while at work screams of “i am in sensory/emotional hell all the time and checking slightly out of this plane to deal”

loses control all at once, when he does lose control

drains energy like a broken cellphone battery from the effort of combating misery, anxiety, mental overload, boredom, masking all thoughts and feelings

bonus content: parents

the actual in-universe reasons for these things aren’t related to neurodivergence as far as we know, but

growing up as the unfavored child whose interests are constantly ignored or shut down 

seeing your siblings get preferential treatment for no reason

being silenced or punished every time you express dissatisfaction or unhappiness or anger

being considered disposable

internalizing the idea that you’re a burden unless you’re worth something to others

that’s a real common lived realty for autistic ppl

bonus content: brothers

i read all three lynch brothers as being on the spectrum and all having different experiences with it

i read matthew as having had the inverse experience of declan, in which he flaps and stims and chews loudly and talks a mile a minute and expresses himself with excitement and passion and bouncing

& he has Not been punished for it or made to feel like it should be hidden

declan’s ferocious protectiveness of matthew is in many ways bc he wants to keep matthew from suffering the same way he has

differing autism spectrum experiences fit neatly into that

ronan and declan’s experiences are in some ways wildly different

in other ways, though

going zero to one hundred on the emotional spectrum, defaulting to anger to avoid fully feeling internal chaos, being unable to understand the other’s feelings or thought processes / making wildly incorrect conclusions about them, preferring to show feelings through action rather than words, struggling to translate genuine emotion into expression without coming across as a dick

they are Very Similar

declan and ronan do a lot of “dog growls at its own reflection” about this because neither of them is more furious than when they see their own perceived shortcomings in the other

i’m positive i’ve forgotten some things and also positive i have not communicated all of these thoughts as effectively as i would like but i have been typing this post for a thousand years.  here you go

#trc #cdth #declan lynch #i love my idiot son #suicide m #ableism - #Anonymous

[satorutini]

So Hot (You’re Hurting My Feelings)

pairing: jungkook x reader

wc: 2.1k

a/n: a whole year later, thanks to quarantine, i have returned. a drabble i made purely projecting my own feelings bc being isolated has made being far from loved ones very difficult to bear lol. so here is some fluff to help get you thru this fuckery. heavily inspired by this bop.

In the blaring fluorescent bathroom light, the strain on your eyes as you look at your phone takes twice as much effort as it should just after escaping the dimly lit dance floor.

Raising the screen an unnecessarily close distance to your face, you frantically attempt to unlock your phone, making an almost inhuman sounding hiss of annoyance when the facial recognition feature doesn’t work the first time. A quick glance at the mirror in your peripheral dawns a grim understanding; with the way you look, you wouldn’t recognize yourself either.

Three attempts later (your thumb kept pressing 6 instead of 9) grants you access to your messages and your heart drops. You swear - you swear - you felt your phone vibrate in your pocket, and there definitely was a text notification-

The panic resides almost as quickly as it came at the sight of the thin blue loading bar crossing the top of your screen.

Koo appears bolded at the top of your inbox, and your heart soars. So, he didn’t entirely erase his memory of you and shackle up with some rich influencer snob in SoHo.

Koo [11:37]: ok, be safe:)

You deflate. It had been 30 minutes since he had read the text letting him know you were going out for the night, and a good two hours since you had sent it. You had been hoping for him to crack a joke or ask for a fit pic, or even whine a little that you were going without him. But he had only displayed the bare minimum of concern. Not even a fully written okay. Not even a real emoticon.

Slumping against one of the stall doors, you sigh. It’s not that you wanted him to worry about you while he was miles away in Manhattan. It was quite the opposite actually; before he had left, you had practically been his biggest cheerleader in advocating for your boyfriend to go after this internship and live his collegiate experience to its fullest potential.

So why did you feel so vulnerable without him here?

It was fine, the first two weeks. You texted back and forth almost every hour, staying up late to call each other on the phone. A plethora of video calls, photos and memes shared over the span of the first 14 days as you silently vowed to not let the stress of a long-distance relationship weigh you down. But then came the third week. Then came the second-guessing. Over-analyzing missed phone calls or shorter-than-usual exchanges over text usually led to you jumping to the completely irrational idea that he had forgotten about you, or cared less now that you weren’t constantly in the same proximity. It was a stupid concept, you already knew. But this will be the longest that you’ve been apart from each other in the little over a year that you’ve been dating, and you can’t help the inkling of anxiety that comes with this experience.

Slipping your phone back into your pocket, you turn to fully face yourself in the grimy bathroom mirror. Is it bad that you’d been hoping for more from him? Maybe a picture or another question? A response longer than three words? The flow of conversation had gradually lost its familiar ease, replaced with this subconscious feeling of uncertainty that left conversations feeling stale. In reality, he’s probably working late or getting ready to go to sleep. You vaguely remember him mentioning a project he had been assigned to work on, and it seems as though his workload as grown progressively tasking as the semester comes to a close. The last time you had seen him over a video call, he had dark circles under his eyes despite how animatedly he spoke about the work he was doing. You also remember begging him to get a good a goodnight’s sleep when he found the chance.

Yeah. That’s probably what it is.

Should you text him back?

Your fingers slip behind the edge of the phone, fully ready to whip it out again when a couple comes stumbling into the restroom, the door swinging back to hit the tile wall with a bang! The girl, at least, has the decency to look sheepish and makes to apologize until her partner sidetracks her with kisses down her neck. You don’t bother with anything more than an embarrassed grimace through pressed lips before glancing the other way, though mostly more for yourself more than them. Squeezing passed the enamored pair through the door, you make your way back into the thick of the club, albeit a little more reluctant than you were when you had first arrived.

Your friends are might be off the dance floor by now. Returned to the bar, maybe. In all honesty, you had expected your presence in the “girl’s night” outing to be a bit of a vibe killer anyways, with how forlorn you had become in the past week. You had spent the whole car ride to the club switching anxiously between Instagram and snapchat trying to see if Jungkook had liked your last post – you, dressed up to go out for the first time in a while, definitely not fishing for a compliment from him – barely contributing to any conversation. If your friends were aware of your growing preoccupation, they hadn’t said anything yet.  It wasn’t that you couldn’t live without him, in fact, you’re a little more than perturbed by your own attitude tonight. It was that there was this lingering feeling that something was always missing. Like the fact that Jungkook wasn’t readily accessible or just within a short drive’s reach tugged at your heartstrings. Comfort. A grown familiarity. Something to fall back.

The moment someone jams their heel into your ankle you realize you’ve been standing catatonically near the middle of the dance floor, shaken from your reverie of self-pity as you nearly lose your balance. Disoriented, your vision blurs for a moment in an effort to right yourself. Glancing around, you can’t catch a glimpse of your friends. Your heartbeat thumps just about as loud as the music’s bass. Your right foot throbs in your heels. Feeling your face growing hot, you press a hand to your cheek, only for it to come away wet. I think it’s time to call it a night.

Overwhelmed, you make for the exit, and are fortunate enough to bump into one of the girls who came with you on tonight’s excursion. With a hand securely on your wrist, she leads the way back to your group, shimmying your way through the crowd. 

It’s well around 1 a.m. by the time your friends drop you off at your apartment. Albeit simple tasks, the process of taking off your heels, hanging up your coat and undressing takes what feels like an eternity. In the span of time it took for your friends to finally regroup, leave the club and take you home, you have not once looked at your phone. Cold from inactivity, it feels like metal brick in your hands, and wears on your mind with the weight of a real one as your trudge into your bedroom. In all that time he hasn’t texted once. Granted, it is pretty and it is your turn to reply. But what is there to say besides ‘okay’? You gently toss it on your bed on your slow march into the bathroom, half hoping to hear the gentle buzz of a text notification.

The idea of fully cleaning yourself up sounds like more effort than you’re willing to exert right now, so you settle for a makeup wipe, knowing well enough that your skin will hate make you sure you pay for your laziness in the morning. That’s a problem for tomorrow you to handle, you decide. Changing into an old shirt of Jungkook’s feeling slightly more refreshed, you allow the promise of sleep to lead you back to your bed. Although you’d hate to admit it, the mental gymnastics you go through with your insecurities over what seems Jungkook’s gradual withdrawal from you mentally exhausting. You avoid unlocking your phone until you’re completely submerged in your sheets. Squinting into the light of the screen, your heart sinks at what you see. The only recent text is a goodnight from the friend who dropped you off, announcing to your group chat that she’s made it home safely.

Not wanting to fall asleep feeling disappointed, you spend the better part of an hour swiping between Instagram, twitter, tiktok, and then Instagram again in search of a smidgen of serotonin despite the late hour. Most clips get nothing more than an exhale through the nose, the disappointment from tonight still lingering at the edges of your mind. You glance at the time, calculating the time difference between here and Manhattan. There was a three-hour gap; he should be well asleep by now.

Against your better judgement, you open your messages and hit the call button anyways, thinking that at least if he doesn’t pick up you can dismiss it with practical reasoning. However, much to your surprise he picks up after the second ring. Laying on his side, nearly mirroring your position, Jungkook’s form greets you cocooned under a myriad of blankets. His hair sticks up every which way in the front as though he’s run his hands through it too many times. The low light his screen emits casts shadows under his eyes and gives his skin a pale complexion. Immediately you regret your impulsive decision.

You both open your mouths to speak.

“Sorry!”

The word is blurted from your lips before he can even begin to form a sentence. Your boyfriend blinks at you. “Hm?” is his only response, voice groggy with sleep.

“I’m so sorry, were you asleep? Did I wake you? Shit,” the despondency you were feeling before only grows tenfold now that you’ve actually interrupted his rest. A string of apologies follows as you fumble with your phone to hit ‘end call’. It’s only Jungkook’s sharp call of your name that halts your hysteria. “Wait! I was waiting for your call.”

You pull the phone a little way away from your face. “You were?”

Jungkook is silent for a moment, processing your incredulity. “I was.”

“Oh.”

“I fell asleep but I was waiting for you to text me when you got back home. Like you usually do.”

“Oh.” It was common for you and Jungkook to share whenever the other went out and or was coming home late. In your own distress, you had forgotten to let him know when you arrived home. The thought provokes the image of Jungkook, curled up in his cramped rental in New York, drifting off with his phone in his hand as he waits to feel his phone vibrate. It nearly breaks your heart. “I-I must’ve forgot. I’m sorry, I figured you’d probably be busy or asleep by the time I’d come home. We haven’t exactly talked much today.”

“But you called anyways?”

“Wishful thinking?” you shrug with your one free shoulder. “Didn’t think you would pick up.”

“Hmm.”

You and Jungkook share a guilty look. What’s this odd feeling that’s creeped into your heart? Insecurity knots a tight feeling in your chest.

“I missed you today.”

And just like that, it’s gone.  The million questions dissipate like a fog clearing from your mind as you inwardly scold yourself for your own irrational thinking

“Yeah?”

You often wondered if he thought about you as much as you thought of him. Outwardly, he was seen as the bigger sap between the two of you, but often you found your own thinking to become the floweriest of prose when it came to him. You found memories of him in even the smallest things, like the taste of spicy foods, in the smell of lavender or in the sound of someone opening a bottle of sprite. You found him at the edges of comic book pages and in the first notes of an acoustic song. You wonder if he could find bits of you about the city. If he ever thought of you, waiting on him hours away, outside of the times when it was deemed obligatory.

“Do you not miss me every day?” You wiggle your eyebrows to insinuate a playful dig, but the both of you are well aware of the tinge of honest curiosity underneath.

Jungkook offers a tired smile, but in that moment, the genuine adoration in his eyes is all the affirmation you need. “Every day, all the time.”

#bts fic #jungkook x reader #bts x reader #fluff #drabble #bts au #jungkook x reader fluff #bts fanfic #so hot

[wiinterrose]

          ( xavier serrano , male , he/him, 23 ) omg ! i was walking yonge street downtown , and you’ll never guess who i saw . 𝐌𝐈𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐄𝐋 𝐅𝐋𝐎𝐑𝐄𝐒 ! i just saw a post about them on sixsecrets ! i think it said something like “ 𝐌𝐈𝐊𝐄𝐘 𝐅𝐋𝐎𝐑𝐄𝐒 𝐒𝐏𝐎𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐋𝐄𝐀𝐕𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐅𝐀𝐌𝐎𝐔𝐒 𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐎𝐑'𝐒 𝐇𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐑𝐈𝐒𝐄 𝐀𝐓 𝟓 𝐀𝐌 : 𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐀𝐍𝐂𝐄 𝐎𝐑 𝐘𝐄𝐓 𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐅𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆 ?” . isn’t that wild ? i guess it makes sense through , since they’re apparently 𝐃𝐔𝐏𝐋𝐈𝐂𝐈𝐓𝐎𝐔𝐒 and 𝐂𝐔𝐍𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆 . but i’ve heard they’re also 𝐎𝐏𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐈𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐂 and 𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐈𝐒𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐂 ! i’ll just stick to giving them the benefit of the doubt . i mean , it’s not like i know them personally — they’re a famous 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐅𝐄𝐒𝐒𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋 𝐃𝐀𝐍𝐂𝐄𝐑 / 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐓𝐔𝐁𝐄𝐑 ! you know , i’ve actually heard rumors that ██████████████████, but they’re just rumors … i think . i dunno . if you happen to run into them , tell them i’m their biggest fan ! ( ollie , they / them , 21 , est )

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐘

— mikey was born and raised in winnipeg because i think it’s funny when characters are from winnipeg. if you’re from winnipeg i’m so sorry. definitely was born on the coldest day of that year ( so like some point in january )

— but because of those long, cold harsh winters, mikey found himself in a dance studio a lot. his aunt was a dance teacher and with rather absent parents who meant well but both had long hours at the local hospital, he spent a lot of time with her. he fell in love with dance pretty early on, always having a certain fluidity and grace even when he was young.

— random but he also played hockey up until he was like 16 or whatever because he’s canadian and i’m not stupid. it happened. he can still skate tho. in a slightly different life he probably would have been a pretty good figure skater huh 🤔🤔🤔 but anyway...

— also feel like it makes sense that he did gymnastics. and trained in classical ballet.

— he went to university of toronto for college, studying kinesology and dance, and danced at one of the prestigious studios in the city.

— his big break moment was when in his sophomore year at ut, he made it onto the second season of world of dance in early 2017 ( lets pretend that show has been on longer than it has bc i don’t want it to be the first season of it sldk ). he made it all the way to the finals and quickly become a fan favorite along the way. though he ultimately placed second and missed out on the million dollars, that was the beginning of many doors opening for him. ( for those who, might have the vaguest clue what i’m talking about : i’m highkey feeling like, michael dameski style which is an idea i had after i named him michael so don’t @ me for him having the same first name ).

— millions watched that show, including some prominent agents and scouts who were able to help him launch a professional dance career : something he never thought he’d see himself actually doing. his first big gig was making the dance team for some singer’s north american tour, and he ended up not returning to ut to pursue a professional dance career full time. since then he’s danced in a few music videos for some uber famous musican ( same one he went on tour with or not idk ?? also a wc ?? maybe ?? ), a tv show, couple movies, and other various gigs around the city. he works part time at a studio when he has time, and has been honing his choreography skills as well.

— he makes enough dancing, but certainly not enough to make him RICH. no, that come from an impromptu vlog he did while on tour with aforementioned singer. having already garnered a following from world of dance, he soon rose to youtube fame as well, something he never could have predicted. i feel like his videos are very just, day in a life with various random challenges mixed in, and various workout and flexibility tips. he also still does pieces and duets with other prominent dancers just for fun too. his natural charisma and attitude really just carries him through easily lmao.

— mikey developed a bit of a habit of sleeping around when he left for college, all the newfound freedom was just intoxicating and well. he was hot so. it wasn’t like it was hard alsdkjf. that stuck around well into his blossoming dance career. nothing that was enough to be scandalous, but he made his way around. and then a year and a half into this unforeseen new life, he met matthew glass.

— he’d had a couple serious relationships before, one in high school, one his freshman year of college but neither of them could hold a flame to what he felt when he was with matt. perfection wasn’t something mikey believed in, but he almost did with what they had.

— it was like for over a year and a half he lived in this insane dream, and then mikey and matt broke up and he was devastated ( behind closed doors and with curtains pulled tightly shut ).

— he then proceeded to broadcast how perfectly fine he was doing by going back to his old ways and sleeping around obsessively, this time with very little regard as to how many headlines he was making. as far as coping mechanisms go, i guess sex is better than alcohol ?? not to say he wasn’t also drunk at times l o l.

𝐌𝐈𝐒𝐂

— mikey is a... how do u say... im gunna write manwhore bc it’s accurate so pls don’t take offense. inch resting bc i’ve written smut like once in my eight year rping career but that’s what he decided he was gunna be and who am i to deny that.

— very bi. very much does not care. if the world didn’t know he was before, it definitely does now lmao. he hasn’t come out in the sense he’s like posted a video about it and said “i’m bisexual” but it’s pretty obvious from the media and maybe he has gotten asked in interviews and has just shrugged and been like does it matter ?? i’m sorry he’s not the vocal bi ally we need. perhaps we will work on that.

— hasn’t dated anyone since matt bc he’s highkey lowkey still hung up on him but no one needs to know that right. outwardly, he’s very much the same : seemingly happy, but he’s a lot more careful with his heart and letting people close to him. if anything he’s become a bit of a two-way mirror, always seeing out but never really letting people see in, just what they want to see.

— probably goes without saying but extremely flexible. idk if any of you know who juuse saros is but apparently he can twerk in a split and i’m not saying mikey can but like. he just might be able to...

— straight up does not get cold. never wears more than a hoodie, probably danced shirtless in the middle of winter just fine. at least being from winnipeg is good for one ( 1 ) thing.

— i feel like people call him flower. idk guys. maybe im just thinking too much abt hockey goalies.

𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘

— he tends to be extremely underestimated as he comes across a bit dumb and generally has a pretty positive outlook on life which people confuse for him being naive when that isn’t the case. but he’s found he can use that it his advantage and that sometimes, people will tell him things they think he can’t understand but he hears and remembers everything. it’s helped him out of a few difficult situations before.

— i feel like he has a bit of ethan dolan’s personality & dumbass energy idk guys...

— live in the moment kind of dude. his motto is probably like : you just gotta know what you want to do next. i mean looking back on his life it’s been pretty crazy and that’s only solidified his outlook that like, you really can’t control too much. just let it go where it takes you.

— people do like him though and they like talking to him for whatever reason. generally has pretty trustworthy vibes but he’s more slippery than he comes across. he’s a selfish person at heart and always has his own best interests in mind, even if it doesn’t seem that way at first.

— extroverted. i think ??

𝐀𝐏𝐏𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄

— 6′1″. chocolate brown eyes. curly brown hair. he has a lithe but extremely fit build due to his career. his core strength is especially impressive. 

— he has a monochromatic lineart tattoo of a rose on his left forearm / wrist and a butterfly ( again monochromatic & just lineart ) on his right shoulder. small scar at the base of his neck by his ear from an unfortunate hockey accident.

— needs glasses but usually only wears contacts unless he’s in his apartment late at night.

— he’s not overly fashionable, going more for comfort than how he generally looks. on a regular day, he’s probably got the whole... college athlete look going if you know what i mean. a big fan of mirrored aviator sunglasses. wouldn’t know what dressing up meant even if it slapped him in the face.

𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒

first and foremost i want to say that i like to vibe and brainstorm with people to come up with unique connections between our characters but here are a few ideas:

— the singer whose tour he danced on — singer whose music videos he’s been in — mayhaps even actors for that tv show / movie he was in ( v small role but whatevs. maybe they just Vibed yknow ) — flirtationship 😔 — always ye ol good hookup l o l — we keep running into each other idk maybe we should talk ??

TAKEN CONNECTIONS PAGE HERE

𝐎𝐎𝐂

          hey guys, i’m ollie. my intros are either written really eloquently or a big mess bc im trying to rub together a couple braincells at 1 am and whatever comes out, comes out. no need to guess which category this one falls into lmAO. anyway, i’m a slow plotter bc i’m easily overwhelmed trying to do too many things at once but i swear i will try to get to as many people as i can. and yeah this entire character is inspired by my love of world of dance don’t @ me... if u made it all the way down here u should watch this bc 😳 & mikey has the same athleticism and strength.

#sixhqintro #( so.... #this be a hot mess !!!! #but.. #he's here lmao #hmu ) #( im going to sleep soon bc it's almost 2 am and i have work tomorrow lmao )

[fatedfuturist]

things about my interpretation of tony stark. updated june 07, 2020.

here’s my exhaustive explanation for how i am not canon-compliant with the events and characterization of the mcu.

the reason for this is… well, there are several reasons, but i don’t want to stir shit up or just, in general, stomp on anyone else’s love for the mcu. and don’t get me wrong— i do love the mcu! but there are parts i’m critical of for personal reason, as we all have opinions on certain things. bc, yeah, you can love something, or someone, and still be logically critical about it or them.

anyway, here’s where my interpretation differs…

as per stated on my rules: i take inspiration for tony from multiple sources, including the mcu, marvel comics, the television show: avengers assemble, and my own personal headcanons. TONY IS ALSO ASIAN (SPECIFICALLY CHINESE) AMERICAN!!

i will admit that saying this isn’t particularly helpful if people don’t know, specifically, where i differ in terms of my interpretation of our dumbass genius. some of this info is scattered about on my blog, but here, it’s all consolidated into one post.

chen kun is my face claim, and i do use stuff from tony’s story from the mcu as a base. however, there are events and moments from the movies, that i selectively ignore due to personal preference; and then i build on top of my foundation with ideas, themes, and/or events from other sources such as the aforementioned sources listed above.

throwing this all under a read more because, like i said: exhaustive list. very. very. very fucking long. i’m serious– read at your own risk.

howard stark was an extremely abusive and absent father for all of tony’s childhood; tony did actively seek attention and approval from howard because he was rather aware of how famous he was and wanted the acceptance and validation from his dad; there wasn’t much shown in the mcu regarding his relationship with his father, but my inspiration for his father-son relationship comes from the comics;

an example of his verbal abuse: “you don’t want to be a sissy, now do you? stark men are made of iron!” (Iron Man, 1968);

an example of early exposure to alcohol: at age five, howard forced a drink into tony’s hand (which he did drink), stating that it would teach him “to be a man,” and that it’d “put hair on your chest” (Iron Man, 1968);

yes, this means that tony ‘forgiving’ howard in endgame is completely chucked out the window;

tony loses his parents the night of december 16, 1996 (not 12/16/1991), at the age of seventeen;

jarvis, the family butler, was more of a father to tony than howard ever was, and yes, this is why he names his first fully-functioning AI system jarvis;

tony was close with his mother, maria; she was his safehouse, and she taught him to be gentle and loving, and she also taught him the piano, which tony still periodically practices during his own time in private. in an avengers assemble episode, there is a piano in the tower that tony protects twice, which i reckon is because it has connections to his past with maria;

tony ain’t an old grandpa. i don’t see him being older than, like, 35–40 in the present time for my writing (chen kun is 44). this comes from comic and avengers assemble inspiration, which has been fairly ambiguous since they never mention his age. for plotting purposes in the mcu though, yes, he can be like 42–52 if needed.

tony is, by default, single unless otherwise stated. the reason for this is simply because i’m not big on tony / pepper in the mcu, and it’s not because i don’t like pepper (i love her as a character as an individual), but i just saw that the way they were written (so, this, yes, blames the mcu writers) was completely trash; they sort of redeemed it in endgame, but... in general, they had a lot of potential but then some writing choices pretty much ruined the ship for me;

this means that morgan does not exist unless otherwise specified and discussed, though i do enjoy the concert of tony being a dad to his own kid and breaking that cycle of howard’s shitty parenting;

i’m going to be as honest and transparent as i can: i do, for certain, love writing stevetony. they’re my primary ship. not simply in mcu dynamics, but from the comics and avengers assemble. however, like some can attest to, i will never force a ship on anyone. if you express no interest in them romantically? that’s fine. we can write them simply as good friends and comrades. i won’t stop writing or plotting with you if you don’t like them in a romantic dynamic. if you do like it that way? cool. i know it might be intimidating to discuss this given i look like complete trash for them, but i never choose who i will/will not write with based on whether we ship or not;

tony, publicly, hints toward being bisexual and biromantic a lot of the time as he’ll practically flirt with anyone at all times, but he never really openly admits it due to his oh-so ancient internalized homophobia (thank you for that one, howard and societal expectations of the time);

justin hammer is a long time rival in the industry, and often meddles with tony and his work all the time. it’s nothing new. the lack of foundation established in IM2 doesn’t provide much insight into their relationship. long story short (taken from avengers assemble): hammer is a punk bitch who’s jealous and tony is tired of him and will gladly beat his ass any day of the week whenever he drives a tank into his front door (which happens more often than not).

tony is fantastic with children. he loves getting to interact with children because he knows how excited they are to see him and/or iron man (seen in both the mcu and in the comics). this type of attention he’s okay about. if he can inspire children to do good things and be good people and be heroes in their own right, then he’s doing his job;

tony fosters the intelligence and dreams of bright individuals all the time by offering scholarships for high school graduates and post-secondary students, and also provides internship opportunities (equal opportunities regardless of race, sex, gender, religion, disability status, age, etc.)

we only see this occur with peter and harley in the mcu, but there are other kids— like riri williams! tony sees these kids for the bright minds that they have and he wants to help them and keep them safe as he knows these are the brains of the future.

let me run over iron man 3. like i said, i ignore some shit from the movies. tony doesn’t initiate the clean slate protocol, he doesn’t throw the arc reactor into the ocean, and he doesn’t remove the arc reactor from his chest. he will get surgery to get the shrapnel removed because if i were the follow the pain that comes with the comics, tony would literally be always on the verge of death at all times, requiring a chest plate to be recharged constantly to make sure the shrapnel doesn’t get closer– see? that’s a lot and i’m... lazy.

the reason for those choices are simple: clean slate protocol undoes his character progression;

the arc reactor is just a part of him as a person, stands as his heart;

avengers movie nights, (video/board) game nights, and training days exist and you will never be able to pry that out of my hands. tony always shows up fashionably late with coffee and pays for when shit gets broken by thor. team building exercises exist plenty within avengers assemble, including the fact that they share chores and decides who gets to do the next load of laundry from whoever chooses the short stick from the bunch.

tony has had anxiety and depression since he was a child. it just didn’t really flare up and get identified as a real, tangible mess of emotions and thoughts until he’d been kidnapped (and nearly died, at that). it got worse when he failed to address it until after IM3. into the present-day, tony deals with anxiety, depression, and PTSD all the time, but has improved (…sort of) when it comes to handling all of it, and certainly has grown to recognize similar symptoms in the people he cares about;

on another hand, tony has displayed symptoms of ADHD, but it’s not officially diagnosed, and some of these symptoms include, but are not limited to: hyperactivity (staying awake for days on end) and hyperfocus (hyper-focus on work), distractible (easily distracted when he’s not focused on something), rambling (talks a lot and often makes rather intuitive connections due to how busy his brain functions), impulsivity and recklessness (self explanatory), constant need to move around and/or do something (in meetings, he will be moving somehow, whether it’s tapping fingers or feet, or shifting around in his seat);

there are days where he feels inferior due to how human he knows he is (in comparison to most of his team), and other days, he feels as though he’s more machine than he is man. these feelings fluctuate depending on how he’s doing with his mental health, and/or if he hears and/or sees anything about him that points toward either idea;

there is always overwhelming guilt for those he can’t keep safe or people that die; tony doesn’t like to kill anybody (unless it’s robots, because… they’re robots, not human lives); though, if pushed far enough with no other choice, he will throw conventional morality out the window for the sake of protecting all that he believes to be for the good of the world;

tony isn’t jacked. he isn’t captain america fit, but he isn’t particularly thin, either. his body is sort of like a runner’s build (for visuals, refer to valerio schiti’s comic art of tony). i interpret tony’s body as a slight bit slimmer. he exercises, and being in the suit also is its own form of exercise. god forbid we discuss his eating habits, though. and–– he also isn’t short short, but he isn’t tall, either. he sits at 5’10”, which might be a little below the average male, but that’s about it.

speaking of eating habits, simply put: tony can’t cook for shit and that’s it. he’ll try to cook for his significant others’ on the occasion, but he can’t be blamed if he burns everything.

tony isn’t ‘woke’ or perfect, as it’s imperative to remember he grew up as rich and with financial and some social class privilege (since he was rich), despite the abuse and harassment he experienced during his youth. it’s taken him time to recognize this, and he realizes it really doesn’t cost anything to be a better person, which is why he tries to be better when it comes to his tone of voice when discussing certain topics he has no authority to be speaking of, and by taking action with simple manual labour when it comes to chores (so he doesn’t hire other people to do shit for him). he also knows he can’t be a man of ‘all bark and no bite’ when it comes to supporting people and causes, hence why he actively advocates for female and youth empowerment through both words and actions.

in regards to ca:cw events, i would prefer to ignore them. for specific-plotting purposes, this can be dropped, but i prefer the events of avengers assemble when it comes to ‘civil war’. it’s actually really simple:

tony was not honest about his intentions with the team regarding a robot that was initially made for him by howard, which ended up with an ultron reboot that nearly risked loads of civilian lives and the team’s lives;

steve confronted tony about it when they returned back to avengers tower. with tony’s insistence that everything was now fine, steve decided to resign due to tony’s dishonesty and lack of trust in the team;

this splits the team in half, where steve takes— well, they decided to leave since they didn't like tony's lack of honesty— natasha, the hulk, and the falcon to work under SHIELD as the ‘secret avengers,’ and tony, clint, and thor remain as leftover avengers (later with the addition of ant-man and temporarily, spider-man, in some missions);

in the end, they all join back together after learning to appreciate their differences and reconciling under the fact that there wouldn’t be any more secrets that could risk the world, and the team’s safety;

if i am to follow the events of the mcu— between ca:cw and infinity war, he develops nanotech for his armour, which is embedded into his very skin to accommodate for nanobots, which interacts via neural transmissions (visuals here);

tony recognizes that he lost his temper and let his emotions get to him in the moment, which fucked up shit that could’ve been talked through and fixed;

tony is an alcoholic. he recognizes that he always will be, though he’s always working toward sobriety. he certainly relapses every so often when things are rough and he feels as if he has no other options, but he’s aware that relapsing is part of the process of recovery. he has attended AA meetings (alcoholics anonymous), and has been AA sponsors for people in the past;

to skim through the events of infinity war and endgame should these be part of the things you’re curious about (this is getting really long and i’m sure you’re tired of reading this—how have you gotten this far?):

after returning from space, tony took a few months (~ five) to recover from those three months of malnutrition, dehydration, and the wound of thanos’ stab. tony sealed the front of his injury, but he sure as hell wasn’t seen dealing with the back end. during this time, he’s able to regain some muscle mass;

he lives on his own, retreating to the cabin to escape from the responsibilities of being a fallen hero who ultimately failed the people he was supposed to protect.

during the five year gap, he keeps in contact with the other avengers, but very rarely. they’re the only ones who know where he lives;

like i said— tony does not say any of that forgiving bullcrap to howard. victims of abuse don’t have to forgive their abuser, parent or not. let’s just imagine the entire interaction didn’t happen at all;

tony doesn’t die;

he used the infinity stones; but, to maintain consistency with what the mcu established w/ thanos: he sustained significant damage to his right arm, up to the shoulder and neck. it’s gravely scarred. the overall function of that arm also diminished greatly. vision out of his right eye is not as sharp as it once was, either;

a year of recovery and physiotherapy later, tony decides to amputate and go for a prosthetic. he works with shuri and wakandan tech to build an arm;

despite the end of the looming, world-ending thread, tony still battles resurfacing trauma. not every day is happy, but he is working toward recovery. there are days he doesn’t remember chunks of what happened due to the power of the infinity stones; sometimes, he doesn’t even want to remember it, anyway;

tony retires. sort of. for the most part. if the world really needs iron man, he’ll be there;

tony may have handed CEO-ship to pepper, but he still handles a lot of work for stark industries, and that’s what he primarily does post-endgame.

the multiverse and realm-traveling happens a-fucking-lot 

#✧ i just want to feel like i’m still living. ≻ headcanon. #well fuck this took over an hour #and now i need to go to bed lmAOOOO #the formatting seems a bit whack bc i just copied and pasted it from my notes #but oh well #MFDSJHFDJSDFS #fuck this got long #long post // #tw: long post

[thechildoflightning]

JKSF Jobs

I got asked awhile ago by the lovely @mewithanie if I could write about everyone’s jobs in jksf if it sparked my interest. It did spark my interest, but I couldn’t figure out how to make it into a one-shot or story, so take a tumblr post bullet-style explanation instead!

Read on to find out all about the jobs Patton, Roman, Logan, and Virgil hold in just keep stumbling forward (baby im waiting for you)

tw: suicide (oc), PTSD and trauma (mentioned only), mentions of drugs, alcohol, and school shootings.

Patton

Runs a non-profit

Non-Profit pairs up with schools

Non-Profit is an art therapy center focused on increasing connection within teenagers and allowing them an appropriate outlet for emotional turmoil

Patton’s group generally gets placed on ‘high-risk’ campuses or campuses that have incidents happen at them

‘High-risk’ in this case is defined by higher than normal suicide rates, low attendance rates, high-levels of illegal activity (generally drug and alcohol use), high rate of poor mental health, more than average amounts of cheating, etc

Instances involve things like excessive inappropriate school-wide behavior (ie. all the kids getting drunk and disorderly at a school event) as well as shocking incidents (student death from suicide, overdose, drunk driving, or things such as school shootings)

Some kids come by choice, others are referred through a suspension exchange program

Pretty much, a kid gets suspended but can choose to go to the group’s meetings instead of facing suspension

Kids get referred for suspensions that deal with violence, drug use, alcohol use, excessive absences, and so forth

The idea behind it is that suspended the kid will only negatively impact the kids record and give no reason to change behavior, while the group can help get to the root of the issue and work towards solving/improving that instead

Other kids go by choice bc they’re looking for extra support, a healthy outlet, advice, etc

They have weekly after school meetings (per each district, with one focal school in each one. The program is currently seven districts wide)

They also have lunch drop-ins were you can come make art, chill, get a snack, pet a therapy dog, and other stuff

One of Patton’s first schools was the same school Virgil works at

Patton generally leads the entire non-profit and has delegates to deal with the different districts

He handles the school/district that Virgil is at, though he attempts to go to as many things at the other districts as he can

Does a lot of outside work promoting the program to school and school boards, but is starting to delegate a lot of that work to others so he can focus on the kids instead of the bureaucratic shit

Has had to cut back on individual involvement and delegate more as the work and stress from running an entire non-profit has taken a large toll on his health related to chronic illness

He is Not Happy about this fact, but it’s for his health and he needs it. His spouses help support in any ways that they can.

Roman

Theater Boi

He is a director for a local theater company that is actually not half-bad

Enjoys the heck out of it

Went into college planning to become an actor

And boy does he love acting and the truth is? He was good enough. He could have become an actor. 

But somehow he finds it even more magical running everything behind the acting (and so so much more work, god he never realized how much Work This Was)

So he joins a theater company and he slowly works his way up

At first he comes in as assistant choreographer 

He’s young and they don’t think much of it, but the show genuinely improves by his individual suggestions and work and wait, who the fuck is this kid and how do we hang onto him?

He makes his way up quite quickly, sliding his way into assistant directly and then co-director and then suddenly the director’s leaving and now he’s the director

It happens fast and it’s very very exciting but he’s also honestly a little overwhelming and he’s never been good at managing large tasks without procrastinating bc executive dysfunction (see this post and this one about Roman and ADHD)

And now he is The Director and an entire production is depending on him. Everything. All of it. And it was what he was looking for but it’s a lot.

The first time he’s on his own, it goes okay

It’s by far not the best the company has done, but it’s also not the worst and the company is pretty supportive of his jump to director and the people who have been there longer help him learn to delegate tasks

And so he tries again, and he does better, and he just continues to get better from there

There’s just one hiccup: the scenographer

Basically the scenographer Does Not Like Roman and it creates Conflict

(In my head I sorta imagine the boss character Joan played when they were playing Thomas as Roman as Joan as the boss character in that one part of “Can LYING Be Good?”)

Luckily, Deceit later takes that position, and him and Roman work way better together and pull off some pretty bomb ass productions

Roman has been asked to join other companies before- specifically travelling companies and work on Specific Productions- which is very cool and very exciting but he decides he’d rather do what he’s doing now bc 

a) he enjoys the rhythm of his work. b) larger productions are more stress. c) he doesn’t want to be gone from his spouses. And d) he gets a lot of positivity and meaning out of what he does now and doesn’t see a reason to change that

Every summer he also runs the local chapter of Shakespeare in the park. 

He does act in these as well bc it’s completely volunteer based. Deceit also acts in these with him and these two theater dorks have way to much fun together

They may or may not of kidnapped Trixie for one of the productions (with Virgil’s consent of course)

Logan

Logan works for a company that considers themselves as a “research and problem-solving team for the improvement of marine environments”

Basically, Logan researches issues that negatively impact marine life and helps come up solutions to improve or solve these issues

Most of what he does is cycle through data that other researchers collect and figure out what that data means and how it connects

He looks at a lot of abstract numbers and pulls them together to state exactly what the numbers are reporting 

From there he brings that research to a board that forms a hypothesis and then comes up with potential solutions

These solutions are often considered very progressive and liberal and as such cause a lot of debate

Solutions range from legal changes (laws reducing companies waste, laws to prevent oil spills, protection laws around certain species/habitats, etc) to inventions (boats that clean the ocean, replication of habits to help support species that can’t live outside of a certain ecosystem, etc)

The company Logan works for has had numerous very successful projects and many of these projects were successful bc of Logan’s involvement

Logan’s spouses are very very proud of this fact

Logan is modest af and brushed it off

Logan’s had quite a few articles published in scientific journals and his findings/theories/work have also made it to national news in the past

Logan himself has actually been asked to present some of his stuff on the news multiple times. He refuses each time and someone else goes in his place.

Does this mean that person gets a lot of credit that should be assigned to Logan? Yes. Does that person feel bad? They do and try to give credit to Logan. Does Logan care? No, no he does not. 

Logan could care less about credit, he just cares about marine ecosystems and That’s Literally It

Seriously, people ask him things like “does he understand the ‘political implications’ of his job” or “Are you okay with your team constantly stealing your work” and he’s just like “Fish are cool. Leave me the fuck alone.”

Logan has also done more hands-on experience which has included cool adventures that included scuba diving trips to study coral reef damage, spending days in heavy wetlands, and swimming with sharks

His spouses think that this is the coolest thing and Logan agrees a 1000%

He usually works on research because that’s Where He’s Comfortable, but the occasional planned (it has to be planned) research trip is always exciting

Logan also has so much passion for his job. So much passion. It’s sort of an agreed upon deal in the house that when Logan comes home he will generally Need To Infodump because his job is The Coolest

Because of this, a time period between him getting off work and them eating dinner is designated Logan Infodumping Time

Generally this happens while they cook (because as mentioned a few times, Logan is the best cook)

Even if his spouse aren’t helping w/ dinner, they usually try to stick around and listen because a) Logan is Cute when talking about things he enjoys. b) he talks about interesting stuff. c) even if they don’t find it interesting, Logan’s enthusiasm is infectious and they just Have To Listen

Virgil

Virgil is a high school English teacher

He generally teaches sophomore regular English and junior AP English

Classes can shift slightly depending on the year

Virgil was at first a very distant teacher and didn’t connect with his students

Like his students thought he was a fine teacher bc he wasn’t too strict and didn’t assign a bunch of hw, but no one really liked him either

About his fourth year teaching, a kid at Virgil’s school got suicide baited and ended up taking their own life

It was a Big Deal (and is also how Patton found his way to Virgil’s campus)

After the event, there were lots of discussions and groups at the school, and each teacher talked to their classes

Virgil’s discussion was,, impactful to say the least

He talked to the students frankly about the issue and opened discussion to the topic while making sure to keep it respectful and calling students out on shit while at the same time helping support everyone who was struggling

He ended it with a small speech about self-worth, what it meant, and the struggle to achieve it, especially when everyone around you is pulling you down

It spreads like wildfire throughout the school and suddenly Virgil is a very well-liked teacher because He Gets It, y’know

(to clarify- his student’s do not know about his suicide attempts or personally history regarding his PTSD and experiences, that said, they all know there’s something different about this teacher. Something that makes him understand in a way others don’t)

He also has just this snark that students fall in love with

(One of his class’ learning targets for an entire week was just “We’re going to stick it to The Man. How you ask? Well we’ll find out!”

There was also a situation one year when one of Logan’s articles turned up in a multiple choice quiz and No One, including Virgil knew the answers (Virgil did have the answer key but it Did Not Make Sense)

He had to actually call Logan to figure it out

Turns out, most of them was the quiz maker’s mistake because he was asking questions about “author’s tone” and “author’s purpose” and Logan’s just like,, I didn’t meant to have any tone? I don’t understand tone? My purpose was I like fish? Why are they saying it’s to educate the average person??

(pretty much they analyze Logan’s article from a neurotypical standpoint, which Logan Is Not, so it doesn’t work. Virgil scraps the quiz.)

#ts virgil #ts logan #ts roman #ts patton #sanders sides #ts sides #jksf #just keep stumbling forward #colfanficextras #autistic logan #adhd roman #patton has chronic pain #patton is chronically ill #chronic illness #chronic pain #virgil has ptsd #virgil has trauma #service dogs

[bindingties]

(( Obv I’ve been thinking abt a p.ersona 5 AU bc that’s who i am so im just gonna dump all the ideas i got in here & futz and add later or something idk i make aus via the ‘throwing spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks’ method

also just bc this has been a problem lately & i lack the energy to deal w things after the fact rn: pls personals do NOT reblog my posts ^^ ))

Manfred

Manfred absolutely has a Palace.  Look at him.

The detention center / prison, courthouse, and prosecutor’s office all appear distorted, but I’m gonna go with the courthouse being the kinda ‘center’ and being where his Treasure actually is.

The detention center / prison looks like an extensive trophy room commemorating all of his won cases.  The trophies tend to have design elements that hint at the damning evidence and crime in question while also having the name of the defendant in question somewhere.  All of them are gold, except for the one representing the IS-7 case.  That one is a bronze and notably smaller in size.

Both the courthouse and the prosecutor’s office appear as temples that worship him as a god.  The office is a bit more like a bustling hub of priests that are incredibly incompetent.  The courthouse is grand and opulent with perfectly sculpted marble statues and busts of him.

There’s a slight infestation of insects which all have a pattern similar to the defense attorney badge.  They mostly scurry and run away from just about everything.  The Shadows take the form of judges, prosecutors, bailiffs, and detectives.

Safe Rooms correspond to defense lobbies.

There is a depiction of the DL-6 Incident actively showing Manfred shooting Gregory, but the style frames it more as a heretic being righteously smote than the reality of an unconscious man being shot by a petty fossilized man child.

There are cognitive versions of both Miles and Franziska and neither of them are great.  Cognitive Franziska actually still appears as child and would fight any intruders but, due to Manfred’s low opinion of her and her capabilities, she actually cannot win.  Cognitive Miles is dressed in that horrid Manfred-style red suit but like resembles Gregory to a much higher degree than Miles actually does.

The Treasure is held in a large, central courtroom.  In the Metaverse, it is a golden, weighed scale and, once brought out, is a prosecutor’s badge.

Also you bet him as a boss utilizes a lot of Electricity skills.  Also some Gun skills.  What can I say, I’m not that subtle. 

KAY

Kay vc: i can steal shit AND have superpowers?????? hell yeah!!!!

100% agree with @flairer Kay would be Sun Arcana with Yatagarasu P.ersona absolutely no doubt let’s go

Have nothing firm on how they actually.... get there???? Maybe during the Quercus Alba nonsense.

tfw an ambassador keeps flaunting diplomatic immunity so u just gotta come into incredible power to force the bastard to admit to murder himself

also just Akechi: my codename is Crow Kay: absolutely not u Mask☆DeMasque lookin motherfucker

not that im really trying to super integrate w the existing team, but kay was extremely offended by akechi’s codename choice & i have to share that

KLAVIER

Tragically started thinking that after Turnabout Succession, Klavier would develop a Palace due to worsening paranoia and lack of healthy coping. 

The distortion does cover the entire city... kinda? The thing is that Klav is very ‘the whole world’s a stage’ in an absolutely unhealthy way.  The layout and buildings are retained but it has the vibe of a music festival or other celebration?

Everything leads toward the courthouse though, which is 100% a very large and elaborate stage.  It’s hard to notice from the ground, but a tightrope is suspended way, way above it.  There is no safety net below it.  Just the cold, hard stage.

Shadow Klavier is always in the middle of a concert on that stage and the crowd oddly alternates between vicious heckling and overwhelming praise.  It turns on a dime and seems to have nothing to do with the actual performance.

Various cognitive versions of familiar faces exist in the Palace and perfectly match the mannerisms / personalities of the real counterparts... when talking to any Thieves.  If the subject of Klavier comes up, though, they tend to grow more harsh and disparaging toward him.

Cognitive Miles has the role of a manager and at first attempts to discourage any interaction with Shadow Klav because it might distract him and ruin the show.  He immediately relents, however, with the thought that he’s always wanted to fire Klavier and so any mishaps with the show would be the perfect excuse.

Shadow Klav isn’t that overly aggressive, but there are still traps and Shadows swarming the area.  While he is certainly civil, he does not hide his mistrust at all and can be surprisingly gloomy, though is somewhat like Shadow Futaba in that he’ll drop cryptic hints or express support for the Thieves’ actions.  

I love the idea of Klavier getting pulled into his own Palace due to Shenanigans™ and Cognitive Nick sees him and tells him he’s almost late for walking the tightrope and forces him toward it

Meanwhile Klav is just ‘wow idk what the hap is fuckening but my overwhelming sense of guilt compels me to do whatever Wright(?) says so i guess im abt to do a very dangerous stunt that will most certainly end in my death’

Shadow Klav does a very aggressive intervention because he does contain Klavier’s wish to help people.  He insists that Klavier cannot survive living solely like he’s a product to be consumed and destroyed.  A ticking time bomb of contradictory desires based on unknowable perceptions.

Meanwhile, Cognitive Nick grows more twisted and manipulative and begins to viciously antagonize and guilt-trip the hesitating Klavier.  The crowd likewise grows more and more restless and demanding of a spectacle.  Still, whether the crowd wants Klavier to succeed or fail is hard to determine.

Also like Manfred having a Palace kinda implies Nick as a Thief too and the idea of Nick also being there and seeing that this is how Klavier sees him is... oof ouch.

But yeah Shadow Klav is like “Are you going to continue to let yourself be chained to expectations?  Even when it will kill you?”

Obv Klav’s like “yeah, you know what? I will live for my own damn self.”  And comes into his P.ersona which is like... halfway unnecessary.  Cognitive Nick is just an asshole... not exactly a giant fucking sphinx

Can’t decide whether Klav’s Arcana is Death or Moon, though.  I like Death’s message of metamorphosis and change for him.  But also Moon’s got fun bits about facades and fear.

Nick afterward: hey um... i just wanna say that im so- Klav: i finally have some capacity to be mad at you without feeling like the scum of the earth for doing so so im gonna be 100% unashamedly pissed for a while just... give me some time. also im abt to sleep for 1000 years because holy shit

And yeah it’s not a 100% fix and Klav still has paranoia and the unhealthy perspective of being a product for consumption but like... he’s got somewhat better footing to seek and accept help.  And, likewise, does not have the subconscious desire to be hated so that he may self-destruct without guilt.  So, like, that’s a plus.

#(( me: long rambles for mvk & klav #me: 100% memes for kay #it's what they wouldve wanted )) #(( btw im having a Time™ rn so sorry for the complete absence )) #just a witness | ooc #v { manfred }; an empire for the taking | persona 5 au #v { kay }; swatting lies in the making | persona 5 au #v { klavier }; on a razor's edge | persona 5 au

[marshmalleaux-draws]

I never did post my self insert for My Hero Academia, did I? I was hoping to draw up a more complete and proper reference for her, but given that my mental and physical battery have been at about -37549% for the past 4 months or so, this is all I could manage to do. Still love to share as always, though~.

All her info under the cut (copied from a google doc I wrote not too long ago), cause I hate cluttering up people’s dash with super long posts.

Anyway, I hope you like her~ . ❄️

Name: Sierra Niall Nickname/s: Cici Hero name (?): Snowflake Quirk: Winter Warping Age: 23 Birthday: February 13 Zodiac Sign: Aquarius Blood type: ??? Height: 5'1" Weight: 118 lbs Likes: Marshmallows, lavender (the color, flower, and scent) Quirk and Abilities: Cici's quirk, Winter Warping, allows her to manipulate various aspects of winter, including ice, snow, and the temperature of the air around her. She mostly chooses to use her abilities defensively and for support rather than attack, but she does have a few offensive capabilities as well. Different ways she can use her quirk include: ❄️ Encasing herself in ice as a protective barrier, but this renders her immobile until the ice is broken, either by herself or by someone else. The ice can be close enough just to cover her body, or she can create a large block around her. ❄️ Coating certain parts of her body in ice, such as her hands or feet, so that when she punches or kicks, her attacks are reinforced. ❄️ Summoning spikes of ice to emerge from the ground, either as a barrier or an attack. ❄️ Creating snowflake shuriken (though this one often goes unused). ❄️ Healing open wounds (but not broken bones or internal injuries) using snow. She can do things like use her ice to keep a broken arm from moving, but she can't actually heal such an injury herself, just keep it under control until professional help is available. ❄️ Creating a heavy snowstorm in her immediate vicinity in order to cloak herself. She can see things outside the storm from within, but it's hard for others to see her in the blizzard. ❄️ Creating cushions of snow to break falls. ❄️ Crumbling solid ice into snow, and reforming snow into solid ice.

Drawbacks: ❄️ Since her quirk revolves around the cold, she is especially heat-sensitive. The hotter the air around her, the sleepier she becomes and the more brittle her ice becomes. Environments that are hot enough can cause her to fall asleep pretty much immediately, leaving her completely vulnerable. She also can’t use her own quirk to keep herself cool in those situations. ❄️ The strength of her abilities is tied to her emotions. Feelings of helplessness, sadness, fear, anxiety and the like cause her ice to become brittle, her snow less dense, and her healing less effective. Conversely, intense feelings of passion, contempt, determination and the like can strengthen her ice to near-unbreakable levels, and her healing far quicker and more effective.

Background: Cici has always been a girl of a kind, caring, and empathetic (albeit rather naive) disposition. She's intent on the idea of making sure all the people she meets are happy and safe, if it's within her power. Seeing others prosper is all she needs to feel content, and it goes to such an extent that she often fails to look out for herself. Even with her good intentions, however, she is plagued with severe anxiety and insecurity, which often keeps her from achieving many of the things she wants. In an attempt to combat this insecurity and fear, she enrolls in UA's hero course at the beginning of her high school years, hoping that being shoved outside her comfort zone will push her into being the best and most confident person she can be. While she's there, she meets and befriends Shouta Aizawa, who admires her willingness to push herself to be better. He still knows of her generally soft and sweet personality, and likes to tease her with the affectionate nickname "Snowflake." She takes a liking to him due to his constant (although not always immediately apparent) hardworking attitude, as well as his ability to be both blunt and honest, and understanding and gentle when needed. Unfortunately, not even a year in, her fear catches up to her, and she becomes overwhelmed by the sheer amount of conviction needed to be a hero that she clearly doesn't possess, even though she desperately wants to. Her insecurities get the better of her and, ashamed, she decides to drop out, opting to finish her high school education at a normal public school. She can't even bring herself to explain to Aizawa why she was leaving, and distances herself from him in fear of disappointing him. Years pass, and Cici has found herself a best friend (and later, roommate), Alia, who has done some hero work herself and also had went through UA’s hero course as a transfer student. Cici still isn't terribly confident in herself, but she still is happy to assist Alia in her work, opting to give herself an unofficial hero name as well - the name that her old friend gave her all those years ago, Snowflake. Cici and Alia learn of a reunion being held at their old school and decide to attend, and Cici is surprised to see Aizawa again. He immediately recognizes her, and his first thought after greeting her is to ask why she had disappeared all those years ago. Embarrassed, Cici confesses that she basically chickened out of the hero course, feeling that her own fear and lack of confidence far outweighed her ability to be a half-decent hero. After that, she felt so ashamed and afraid to disappoint Aizawa's expectations of her that she ceased contact with altogether. Aizawa is surprised, saying that she had just as much of a chance to do great things as anyone else, and reminds her of how he admired her desire to push herself to be better, just so she could help others be happy. Although still nervous, she's flattered and elated that he still thinks so highly of her, even though she didn't think enough of herself. It's a bittersweet reunion, but it doesn't end there - they start to reconnect, and in no time they're even closer than they were all those years ago. The two even decided to begin a romantic relationship and have been perfectly content since. These days, Cici still isn't confident enough in her own abilities to be a full-fledged hero, but she's found a happy middle ground of helping people the best way she feels she can - she decides to become a counselor for UA students, helping everyone that comes into her office with whatever troubles and concerns they may have. Her gentle and empathetic personality makes her easy to talk to for many of the students that come to see her, and nearly all of them leave feeling relieved and happy, which is all she wanted in the first place. Stats: Strength: 2/5 Speed: 2/5 Intelligence: 4/5 Technique: 3/5 Cooperativeness: 5/5 Trivia: ❄️ In the present day, she has become somewhat of an aunt to Shouto, since she's been best friends with his mother (in this AU), Alia, for many years. He's always happy to see his auntie and sometimes comes into her office just to take a breather from everyone.

❄️ She absolutely can not get enough of Deku. She would readily adopt him as her son if he didn't already have a pure and loving mother, and she spoils him and treats him better than probably any other student (aside from Shouto). More importantly, however, she actually looks up to him and is even jealous of him, because he's been able to do something that she's failed to do all of these years - he's constantly pushing himself further and further to be a better person and hero, no matter how scared or helpless he feels - and she has an immense amount of admiration and respect for him.

❄️ She understands why people see the potential in Bakugou, but she feels everyone beats around the bush too much and just wishes they would say it for what it is: yes, he's skilled, talented, and powerful, but he's an angry and insufferable prick who won't listen to anyone, ever, and that's pretty much the only thing keeping him from really being a great hero. She dreads seeing him come to her office for any reason whatsoever because he is just that incorrigible, and she enjoys getting back at him in subtle ways for being so pissy all the time (making the room colder when he visits, giving him a largely uncomfortable chair to sit on, etc.)

❄️ She has Tourette’s Syndrome (bc of course I gotta fucking shoehorn this in therekdhsjfk), albeit a rather mild case. Still, she worries that it might interfere with her quirk, since her insecurity and awareness of possible onlookers would certainly weaken the strength of her ice. She also worries that she’ll get mocked by the students or even other staff members (and sometimes is by a certain pissed off explosion boy), but that worry is generally subsided when the sweeter kids like Shouto and Deku are 100% understanding of it.

❄️ Sierra, similar her friend Alia, was an American exchange student. She moved to Japan for the express purpose of enrolling in UA, mixing her goals of heroism with her adoration for the culture and lifestyle of the country. Even after she dropped out, she still enjoyed her time there so much that she opted to continue living there and made it easier on herself by getting a place together with her friend.

❄️ She still goes by her English name, but I also wanted to stick with the theme of punny/fitting names for characters, so I gave her a Japanese alias as well: Seppen Shijinko. Her first name 雪片 (seppen) means “snowflake,” and her last name 詩人子 (shijin-ko) means “child of a poet.” ...Okay, really only the first name is punny/fitting, but her last name is one that I’ve been using for a long time that not only has its own background/story, but also ties in with her English surname (Niall), so that would take way too much explanation sdfgfdh.

#flat color #self insert #character reference #my hero academia #my art

[tarmairons]

re: that last hp ask i got

i know i said i wouldn’t be cross-posting my bellamort/dark au/riddle fam headcanons from twitter but i’ve decided to post a lengthy updated masterpost here after all so ENJOY bon apetit 

1. see the thing is that 90% of my hcs can’t be described with words bc they’re just.. feelings.. aesthetics.. vibes.. vague scenarios that make me feel some sort of way… the dark au has a certain Feel and i just stick a bunch of domestic concepts in there and shake it all up and that’s it shshsh

2. disclaimer: im like 75% sure my self indulgent ramblings won’t make sense so sorry about that

3. i was fully serious that one time i said on twitter that voldemort’s no.1 priority after taking over the wizarding world was doing sth about his snace (snake face) so yeah. first things first he’s not as fugly in the dark au. as mentioned previously he just looks like mr. ralph and probably wears ornate haute couture power suits

4. the public doesn’t actually know who the augurey is for YEARS… they know whoever it is is voldemort’s second in command and sure there’s rumors that he has an heir but nobody knows it’s delphi. this way she doesn’t have to be reclusive and hide away, she just lives her life, studies and trains, masters the art of dark magic, hangs around town etc, and no one suspects anything bc who would think this tiny super friendly innocent looking girl is the dark lord’s kid — her identity isn’t revealed until she’s deemed Ready to publicly take up her position. and when she is revealed it’s a Big Moment bc she’s a drama queen and lives for attention

5. delphi is taller than bellatrix

6. speaking of bellatrix. she’s presumed dead after the battle of hogwarts which turns out to be a cool bonus for the dark side. any leftover resistance? she’ll take care of that and they’ll never see her coming. tbh this seems a lot cooler in my head bc movie bellatrix would not be stealthy enough to stay hidden for years she would probs trip over something and accidentally commit arson within a few days. but yeah sneaky assassin sounds sexy. plus to be super honest i imagine bella is a teensy bit more collected than in the films... no shade at helena y’all know i would die for her but there are in fact things i would change about her bella. so yeah for a while the only people who know she’s alive aside from her immediate family are probs rod and the malfoys

7. hm so. the malfoys…. much to think about. narcissa did lie to voldemort’s face during the battle so logically he should have killed her the moment he realized she knew harry was alive all along. but this is a soft dark au so let’s pretend bellatrix was like hey dude don’t kill my sister maybe and voldemort was like k. i mean no harm done, harry potter is properly dead in this universe after all

8. but seriously tho. the only reason voldemort didn’t yeet narcissa into a wall was for bella’s sake. he’s nice like that, he probably promised her at one point that he wouldn’t violently murder her family. peak romance

9. delphi is surprisingly close with both her parents although with voldemort it’s more of a mentor-student relationship than a parent-child one bc he’s Like That. growing up it was always bella who insisted they treat delphi more like a child and less like a weapon and voldemort wasn’t always happy about that bc he’s emotionally constipated and also never had a childhood. also he’s, like, evil. so yes, reminding voldemort that delphi was her daughter too sometimes got bella in trouble bc we all know of voldemort’s superiority issues. but no bella didn’t stop insisting that delphi deserved an actual childhood and in the end they compromised like functional adults and delphi turned out pretty well for someone raised by 2 of the most terrifying people alive

10. but yeah that’s not to say voldemort and kid delphi never had soft moments. they did. he even picked her up every once in a while. everyone was surprised, bella most of all. she probably cried in the bathroom later bc the softness overwhelmed her. i’m not sure if i mean that in a sarcastic shitpost kind of way or if she was really moved to tears. y’all decide for yourselves

11. delphi looks very very much like bella but she has tom riddley eyes.. so dark they’re nearly black. and soulless. maybe they even flash red when she’s enraged. and she has very aristocratic very controlled tom riddley mannerisms. it’s not until you piss her off and she goes off the rails that the bella side of her personality kicks in

12. delphi gets along really well with the malfoys (except lucius. she thinks he’s pathetic and likes to tease him. in a friendly way but it’s still harsh. she gets that from her mom) esp scorp. scorp thinks this makes him cool at school bc he gets to fist bump the augurey and not get murdered for it

13. speaking of hogwarts. umbridge is scared shitless of delphi and it’s always a school-wide spectacle when the augurey drops by unexpectedly on official business and umbridge starts stuttering and quivering. scorp sometimes makes a point to approach umbridge and delphi when they’re talking and act all chummy-chummy with his cousin just to make himself look powerful and Cool in front of umbridge and the other students

14. i still don’t know whether voldemort would call delphi ‘delphini’ or just ‘delphi’… i imagine he’s a strict stick-up-his-ass kinda father but who knows. he does call bellatrix ‘bella’ but that’s different i guess

15. but THEN AGAIN he does have a gigantic soft spot for delphi too. maybe he slips up every so often and calls her delphi. i’m literally making this shit up as i go along i’m just smashing my mf keyboard and occasionally glancing at my messy hcs notebook. I TOLD YALL i don’t have solid hcs i just have VIBES and AESTHETICS. the only way you’ll get specific hcs out of me is if you ask very specific questions

16. weirdest brotp is delphi and rodolphus. nobody knows where that came from but they get along so well and it confuses everybody

17. we been knew that bella is batshit crazy and criminally insane or whatever but against all odds she is a surprisingly good mother. she’s always been soft for family (narcissa etc) so it makes sense that she would legit die for delphi. they have this super casual bantery relationship YALL GET ME bella is so proud of delphi she’s literally that “my little baby off to destroy people” meme!!! honestly mother-daughter relationships are my goddamn weakness i would die for the two of them

18. delphi has a gf (underdeveloped oc time!) who, for the longest time, doesn’t know who she is dating bc delphi is obviously not allowed to say. she finds out the truth eventually and she is properly freaked out for a very very long time. and since all of these hcs are stupidly soft we’re just gonna keep making them softer: the gf is terrified of delphi’s parents at first (obvs) but they’re both extremely fond of her (well, bella is, voldemort probs doesn’t care all that much about who delphi is dating so long as she’s not of subpar blood status or secretly spying for the opposition ya know. as long as delphi trusts her he does too)

19. no but really voldemort trusts delphi and bella implicitly. with delphi it’s bc he raised her and he trusts her to be loyal bc she knows no other way, she was meant to be an extension of his power etc. but with bella it’s something he learns over time, to trust her judgement bc despite her many many flaws she’s very perceptive and usually right

20. voldemort probably makes more horcruxes. still haven’t decided how this ties in with the fact that he’s now safely immortal again and neither delphi nor bella are. who knows maybe they all do the do and split their souls. much to think about. feel free to send ur thots and ideas my way

21. ya know im basic and always on my bellamort bs and therefore: as the years go by voldemort warms up to bella. not that he wasn’t already extremely fond of her before but he kicks it up a notch. i mean, he’s already taken over the world so it’s high time to start experimenting with other wilder things like Feelings. 80/90 years old isn’t too late to experience Love or whatever. might as well wake up one day and realize you’re completely and utterly in love with the woman you’ve spent the last 50+ years with whew. LIKE to be fair bella knows him better than anyone — they understand each other, they’re familiar with each other’s likes, dislikes, mannerisms, nervous tics etc etc. let’s be real it freaked voldemort out at first, being vulnerable to any degree (not that he let it show) but it just became so easy to tell her things that it became a natural thing to do. and obvs he trusts her to keep everything between them and never judge him for anything so that’s sweet

22. y’all keep asking me for domestic hcs but what can i possibly say?? imagine literally any domestic scenario ever and just think bellamort and i’ve probably imagined that same scenario before. except its sexier bc the world is dark and evil and they live in a dark gloomy super fancy manor. so we have these 2 goths right but they’re in love but in that casual familiar way YALL GET ME and sometimes they even drink coffee together in the mornings or like. do that thing where Person A returns from work late at night and its dark and raining and Person B is already home just chilling and they don’t even have to talk they just go about their nighttime routine but it’s soft and familiar and COMFORTABLE. i clearly dont have enough softness in my life i just. love domestic scenarios bye

23. i forgot everything else i wanted to write bc i got distracted by domesticity. im also thinking about how voldemort absolutely despises the thought of any pda but he’ll take bella by the wrist in public every so often when he wants to get her attention, or like. put his hand on her back. small things but oh so soft

24. hhhh okay i have a LOT to say about the power fam’s fashion choices but it’s hard to explain without pictures. i have a wholeass ppt presentation but i’m not about to upload 20+ slides to tumblr. but i seriously was not kidding when i said voldemort wears fancy suits and yes i have references. meanwhile delphi is a fan of feathers but mostly goes with lowkey military-style outfits.. she’s practical yet ostentatious. bella sticks to a conservative yet undeniably sexy selection of evil looking dresses.. i should make all of these into pinterest boards hmm

25. controversial opinion but i think delphi knows she and voldemort are half bloods. so does bella but that’s a whole other story, she been knew. anyhow yeah delphi was told the truth bc it was better for her to find out from the source rather than hear rumors from the opposition and begin to distrust the foundations of voldemort’s whole empire and voldemort himself

26. i used to absolutely hate fics where bella would eventually call voldemort by his name but now im like FUCK THAT we don’t do guilty pleasures anymore we just stan ridiculous things and that’s that. one day voldemort had a Thought (shocking, i know) and was like. Hm so we have a wholeass child and we’re basically married maybe bella shouldn’t have to call me My Lord for the rest of her life. BUT ONLY IN PRIVATE. THATS BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM it’s nobody’s business. It Is Nobody’s Business

27. speaking of marriage. bella and rod got divorced a few years after the battle. it was just a formality tho let’s be real. they remained very close friends tho!!!!!!!! i think that’s an unpopular opinion among bellamort stans but i genuinely believe bella and rod were always close the way best friends or family are ya know. rod really loves bella but as long as she’s happy he’s happy even if it means her fucking the dark lord on the reg or whatever

28. going back to #6 — when the public finally finds out that bella’s alive they obviously start to wonder about her and voldemort and connect the dots re: delphi etc but nobody ever gets any concrete answers bc there’s never any public pda.. any sort of affection is limited to when it’s just the two of them. and obviously it’s not like voldemort gossips about his private life in tabloid interviews or whatnot. ALSO the whole Bella Is Alive reveal isn’t nearly as dramatic as delphi’s big moment.. it’s more discreet and insidious in that way it implies that she was there hiding in plain sight all along. and if the ministry can keep sth this big a secret, what else are they hiding.. ah classic intimidation tactics of an authoritarian regime

29. i dont think this is ever stated in the CC but in terms of politics and bureaucracy i imagine voldemort has a fancy office in the ministry and spends 99% of his time there and rarely spends any time out and about. he’s almost never seen by anyone, rarely attends events etc. delphi’s the one who handles the day to day shit in the wizarding world. she’s like.. the public relations manager.. between the public and voldemort

30. bella is of similar status within the ministry but that’s just bc people are scared shitless of her. she doesn’t actually hold any political power and she most certainly does not want to, that is not her area of expertise at all

31. delphi is dangerously powerful and i think that’s really sexy of her

32. re: #21 it’s like. as voldemort warms up to bella, she in turn chillaxes a bit with the whole blind devotion thing and becomes bolder with him like. she’ll outright question his decisions or tell him what he should do, make judgement calls etc. and it becomes a regular thing.. turns into this casual companionship ya feel.. i won’t say they become equals bc that’s just unrealistic but he certainly stops treating her like his inferior. he recognizes her value and i daresay her authority and stops treating her like shit all the time Wow Romance Is Alive!! (this sounds like some sort of “douche fuckboi changes for his poor mistreated love interest” schtick but it’s really not that bc they’re both monstrous people who do not deserve any pity so jot that down. they’re horrible and they deserve each other and they eventually do make it work and i am so so happy for them)

33. it is never outright stated that voldemort can’t love. jkr has said that he doesn’t understand love and that it’s just symbolism!!! that he’s the child of a loveless union and grew up without knowing love!!! BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN HE PHYSICALLY CANNOT LOVE thanks for coming 2 my ted talk. i wasn’t aware of this until a few months ago and i was thrilled to find out my soft hcs are not entirely ooc after all

34. THE POINT IS. THEY ARE A SEMI-FUNCTIONAL FAMILY and i just really love soft domestic scenarios so sorry jkr but the dark au is the only canon now and it belongs to me. everybody has feelings and everything is soft. i’d like to pitch an idea for a kuwtk style reality show but it’s these 3 sociopaths under one roof navigating family life and wizarding world politics

35. to finish i’d like to apologize for downplaying the fact that all 3 of the people i woobified in this post are psychotic murderers and tyrants etc

—— i’ll be updating this if/when i remember anything i forgot AND ALSO send me ur thoughts and comments and constructive criticism etc pls pls pls 

—— follow me on twitter and also curiouscat bc i get a scary amount of q’s about voldemort’s sex life thank you and goodbye

edits:

36. in this household we stan dark haired delphi. no i will not be taking any criticism regarding this particular fact

37. bella and voldemort never get married. obviously, because that’s a disgustingly romantic and pointless thing to do. it’s sentimental and unnecessary (well, voldemort thinks so, bella might just disagree but she’s not about to force his hand) BUT that’s not to say they’re not basically an old married couple anyway. AND as much as voldemort thinks love is weakness or whatever he knows this, that they’re about as close as two people can get. SO if he just so happens to gift her a ring.. well it’s a purely symbolic gesture but the implication is definitely there

38. it’s the horcrux ring. he trusts her that much. m y  h e a r t

#hp #harry potter #bellamort

[the-wlw-cafe]

Forget Me (Not)

Request: #62 Memory loss with Lena Luthor preferably the Reader losing their Memory? They were Dating for awhile but got hurt protecting Lena so now she doesn't remember Lena who decides it's best for her not to remember so that the Reader doesn't get hurt again so Reader goes About their normal life but with Lena basically suffering every time she sees them bc she's still in love with them idk Maybe a happy ending if you wanna

Fandom: Supergirl

Warnings: referenced injuries, some language, being Long as feck

Word Count: too many (3265)

You awoke to the sound of hushed voices. You couldn’t make out what they were saying, every noise seemed to drift towards you through a thick layer of jelly, muffled and warbling. You felt like you were floating. It was the smell that finally clued you in that something was off: It smelt sterile, like hand soap and disinfectant, not like the scent of lavender, coffee and freshly washed sheets that you associated with home. You slowly opened your eyes, blinking against the bright white lights that surrounded you. When you tried to move, you noticed an IV drip sticking out of your arm.

Ah. Hospital.

The voices became clearer, two women, arguing.

“Now you’re just being dramatic, Lena, this isn’t your fault!”

“If it weren’t for me, none of this would have happened. Getting close to me is a risk, you know that, and I’ve been selfish enough to ignore it, but I just can’t anymore. I’m making the right decision here.”

“The only thing you’re making is a big mistake Lena, I know how much – (Y/N)!”

It seems they have noticed that you are awake, and the taller of the two, a blond woman whose face splits into the most sunny smile you’ve ever seen once she makes eye contact with you, comes rushing to your bedside. The smaller one, pale, with dark hair framing an impossibly gorgeous face, stands in the back, clearly left distraught by the argument you’d interrupted. You immediately got the overwhelming urge to reach out and comfort her.

“(Y/N), we’ve been so worried about you, but I knew you were a trooper!”

She immediately goes in for a hug that leaves you stiff and awkward. You have no idea who this is, but they clearly know you very well, which can only mean one thing. But that couldn’t be, things like that were reserved for soap operas only, it didn’t happen in real life...right?

The tall blonde seemed to notice you not returning the embrace, pulling back with a frown.

“Is something wrong? Are you hurt? Oh Rao, did I hug you to hard?” she fretted, a worried crinkle appearing between her brows.

“Oh no, the hug was fine, I just...” you make a helpless flailing motion which leaves your IV drip swinging. “I’m sorry, I’m going to be frank, I have no idea who you are.”

The blonde lifted her hands to her mouth to cover a gasp. “But...but you must recognize Lena, right?” she exclaimed, gesturing towards the other woman. Oh this was bad. You hated to see these people hurt and worried.

“Nope, does not ring a bell.” You replied.

“But she’s-“ the blonde began, only to be cut off by the other, Lena.

“- the one whose building was trapped with the bomb that put you on a coma. I needed to make sure you’d recover, and seeing that you’re awake, I’ll go get a doctor for you”, she said curtly, and gave you a small smile that doesn’t reach her eyes. She’d already turned away before she’d finished the sentence. You and the blonde watched her leave the room.

“Is she okay?” you asked.

“Honestly? I don’t know. She’s going through a lot of stuff at the moment.”

  Lena returned with a doctor not long after, and a series of exhausting questions later you were diagnosed with amnesia. When or whether your memory would return nobody could tell, but you were released two days later with the recommendation of trying to go through your day as it came naturally to you, visit familiar places and not stress yourself out too much over remembering. You felt lost and vulnerable in the apartment that was so unfamiliar to you, yet everyone seemed to recognize as yours. Kara, the blonde woman who had dropped by your bedside multiple times to bring you some fried sugary goodness to offset the horror that was the hospital food volunteered to sleep on your couch until you’d find some semblance of normalcy in her life (“No, really, it’s no problem, Alex – my sister – will look after my plants, and I think they’ll thank her for it, I keep drowning them for some reason...”).

  On your first evening at the place you didn’t remember as home, you went through Kara’s phone together, looking at pictures of her, her friends and you together in the hopes that it would stir something, anything inside you.

You scrolled through pictures of you and her friends at bars, at picnics, at game nights, always laughing and smiling, and still these peoples were strangers to you. All of them, except one.

“That’s Lena! From the hospital!”, you exclaimed, just glad that you had found one face that didn’t make you feel like looking through stock photos of a group of handpicked multiracial attractive models.

You furrowed your brow in thought. “That’s weird, though, she didn’t mention us being close.”

Kara smiled a slightly pained smile, said something along the lines of “well, you met her through me, I was interviewing her for CatCo and things just snowballed from there”, before quickly scrolling on. You see her face popping up in some pictures after that one, but you don’t bring it up again.

  In the following days, Kara took the time to re-introduce you to all of her friends, to her sister Alex, Alex’ girlfriend Maggie to Winn and James, she tried to get a hold of Lena but the CEO declined. It didn’t surprise you, being CEO of L-Corp probably didn’t leave her with much free time. The Superfriends did their best to make you feel welcome in their midst, but you still couldn’t quite shake the feeling that you were hanging out with a group of complete strangers, who somehow knew your favourite drinks, your Noonan’s order, and your preferred board games.

  Kara took you to L-Corp a week after you were released from hospital, since it was there you lost your memory, and per chance you ran into Lena. Kara invited her along to grab coffee together, but with one look at you she blanched, pressed out that she was urgently needed in a meeting from between clenched teeth, turned on her heel and walked right into the room she had left seconds before. It was completely empty.

  You started to get the feeling that Lena didn’t like you.

  The following Saturday, you were proven wrong, she didn’t just dislike you, Lena Luthor outright hated you. It was game night, and you had attended out of a sense of obligation and the fact that you started to grow close to the Superfriends – for the second time from their perspective. Lena arrived late, played one token round of Taboo, and then left immediately after, citing a work emergency. The phone she pretended to talk on was clearly switched off.

  Days turned into weeks, and this became a common occurrence, no matter how much Kara and the others conspired to get you two to talk to each other.

By far the worst thing about this situation was however the fact that you seemed to affect Lena’s friendship to Kara too. You caught them, once, arguing in the kitchen at game night after they had gone to get more wine.

  “Lena, she’s suffering, you’re suffering, and this has to stop. You can’t keep running away from this and honestly I’m not sure how much longer I’m willing to lie for you!”

“Kara Danvers, don’t you dare. Don’t you dare destroy everything I’ve done to-“

“-to make both of you miserable? Lena, open your eyes, this isn’t working! (Y/N) has a right to know –“

You couldn’t take it any longer and decided to announce yourself by clearing your throat. The two women whipped around to face you.

“Sorry”, you began, awkwardly scratching your neck as if you hadn’t just caused a rift between these two friends. “The guys are asking for more beer.”

“Oh, we were just...” Kara started, clearly in the early stages of a trademark ramble.

“...just leaving. I was just leaving.” Lena finished, her gaze fixed on some spot behind you. You didn’t manage to contain your scoff in time. “Another work emergency, I gather? Or what’s the excuse you have for us today?” you said. Lena stumbled backwards as if you had hit her, and immediately you regretted your cold words.

“I...good night, (Y/N).” Her voice broke on your name and you swore you could hear her sniffle as she rushed past you. You stared at Kara, unsure of what had just happened in this kitchen, when you felt a second wave of anger wash over you.

“No”, you growled. Kara looked at you, puzzled.

“No, she doesn’t get to do this. She doesn’t get to avoid me for weeks when I needed her the most, when she should have been there for me like all your other friends...my other friends were! She doesn’t get to make me feel bad about calling her out on her bullshit! I don’t know what I did to offend her, I literally can’t remember, but why can’t she just talk it out with me like a goddamn adult?!”

You braced yourself on the kitchen counter as you stared into the dark night outside. Voicing your anger had felt good, it had been a long time coming, but you’d still do anything to get some closure on this whole situation.

“Oh, (Y/N)”, Kara breathed, looking torn. “Lena doesn’t hate you. She...she’s in a difficult spot right now, and she thinks she’s doing the right thing but she’s really, really not...she’s a very headstrong woman.”

“Yes, feel free to tell me whenever you’re ready to stop talking in riddles and feel like making sense”, you snapped.

“Lena made me promise not to tell a word, and I can’t break her trust like that, but I also can’t stand to see you both so miserable.” Your friend heaved a great sigh, and at this moment she looked older than you had ever seen her. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and after some typing, she presented it to you. “Just...take a look.”

She had opened a folder named Top Secret L  and you actually let out a small giggle at that. Subtlety really didn’t seem to be her strongest suit.

The folder was empty except for a series of four photos, obviously taken in quick succession at a park. The first was Kara, taking a selfie, pointing excitedly at some kissing couple on a park bench. Half of you wanted to sit Kara down for a serious talk about privacy and personal space, the other half just smiles because that’s Kara, the same Kara that had called you one evening after having seen an elderly couple feeding ducks at a pond, squealing “true love exists!”. The second photo is another image of the couple, up close this time, and your heart drops into the general vicinity of your stomach when you recognize the lovebirds. That is, without a doubt, Lena Luthor, one hand in your (H/C) hair, the other at the small of your back. The third picture clearly showed your reaction to being busted, Lena hiding her face in your chest and you throwing your head back with laughter. You couldn’t tell whether the blushes on your faces stem from embarrassment at being caught or from the heated kiss you had been sharing. In the fourth and last picture, Alex was photobombing you, pretending to gouge her eyes out with a cocktail umbrella.

You put the phone down, staring blankly at nothing in particular. You hadn’t expected to be able to feel this photo so vividly, not to remember, but to know how Lena’s soft lips felt on yours, how her scent surrounded you, how you were able to feel her pulse racing out of control...

You were longing for something, for Lena, for a feeling you didn’t remember but missed anyway. You looked up at Kara helplessly, seeking guidance, advice, something.

“Were Lena and I...” you croaked, not trusting your voice to get the whole sentence out.

“An item? Yeah. You even tried to keep it secret from us for a time, but we saw right through you. And by ‘we’ I mean Maggie ‘detecting is my job’ Sawyer”, she added with a soft smile.

You leaned against the counter.

“I imagine you two have a lot to talk through”, Kara said gently.

You nodded absent-mindedly, already working through hundreds of reasons why Lena would not want you to find out you had been in a relationship before the bomb and the memory loss debacle.

Kara grabbed you by the shoulders, gently ushering you towards the door. “Come on, I’ll tell the others where you are. You go get your girl.”

  She texted you Lena’s private address as soon as you were out the door. In the lobby of her apartment building, you saw a security guard immediately lumbering towards you. You cursed inwardly. You had no idea what to say. “Yes, apparently I used to be Lena’s girlfriend until a few weeks ago, but don’t ask me anything personal about her or our relationship, as I have conveniently forgotten it all.”

Before you could even begin to delve into a shakily improvised excuse, he broke out into a wide grin.

“Miss (Y/L/N)! I was wondering when I’d see you again here! It’s been too long! You and Miss Luthor didn’t have a falling out, did you?”

“Something like that”, you murmured, still taken aback by his jovial greeting.

“Well, I know it’s none of my business, but Miss Luthor hasn’t been well in the last weeks. I do hope you’ve come to set her straight.”

“Well, that’s the plan, but we’ll see how it goes”, you reply, showing a shy smile.

“Then by all means, don’t let me keep you here any longer, I’ll let you right up!” he said with a goofy thumbs-up gesture.

Lena lived in the penthouse, so you had plenty of time to come up with something to say to her on the elevator ride. You left the elevator without any semblance of a plan. You took one last, deep breath, steeled yourself and knocked on her door.

There were a few seconds of tense silence, and then –

“Who’s there?”

Even through the door you could tell from her hoarse voice that she’d been crying.

“It’s me, (Y/N). We need to talk.”

Nothing.

“Lena Lutessa Luthor, you open that door right now or so help me I’ll get Kara to throw me in through the window!”

For a moment you thought Lena would refuse to let you in, but then you could hear the tell-tale click of the door as she let you step into her apartment. You tried not to let it take your breath away too much, but you still found yourself slightly distracted by the gorgeous view on the golden lights of National City by night.

“I assume Kara told you, then.”

Lena had her back turned to you, obviously trying to hide her tears from view.

“Kara didn’t technically break her promise to you, she just let me connect the dots”, you said.

“So she didn’t tell you that she thinks I’m a coward and a liar?” she snapped, but you could hear the fright in her voice. She was scared and hurt, and therefore lashing out. And again, something inside you ached to take her in your arms, comfort her, and never let her go.

“Lena, you know Kara would never say these things. She loves you.”

Lena made a strangled sound, somewhere between a scoff and a sob. You decided to press on.

“I just need to know why. Why did you try to hide this from me? Were we...were we unhappy? Did that bomb just come incredibly convenient to you, so you didn’t have to break up with me?”

You were getting worked up again, you couldn’t help it. You deserved better than 3 weeks of the silent treatment, especially when as vulnerable and confused as you had been.

“Did Kara tell you what happened the day you got injured?” Lena asked, her voice almost inaudible.

“Yes, there was a bomb at L-Corp and I got caught in the blast-“

“You shouldn’t even have been there! I received the bomb threat several minutes before the explosion. There was enough time to get every civilian out of the building and to safety. There was enough time for you to be far, far away from any danger. And yet you turned around, and you ran right up to my office, because you just had to make sure I was okay. And when there wasn’t any time left anymore, you tried to shield me from the blast. I saw you get thrown against a wall, (Y/N). I saw you lying there, with broken limbs, not moving, and I thought you were dead! I thought I had lost you!”

Lena whipped around to face you, her face red and tearstained, but there was a grim determination gleaming in her eye.

“I thought you had died because of me. Do you understand now, why I have to do this? I loved you, I still do, but I can’t allow you to throw your life away for me. You deserve more. You deserve someone who can love you without endangering you whenever you’re together.”

“I’m not stupid, Lena”, you reply, after a few seconds. “I knew that when I got into the relationship with you. And I still chose you. And I think...I think I would do it again. Kara showed me the pictures of you and me in the park, I’m not sure if you remember-“

“Of course I do”, she sighed. “It was our first official date. You were actually going for a kiss on the cheek, but, well, so was I, and our lips just awkwardly collided for a moment before things...escalated.”

“Yeah”, you chuckled. “I could see the escalation.”

You swore there was a small smile playing around the corners of Lena’s mouth.

“The thing is, Lena, I felt something when I saw us kissing. I might not remember what we had, and maybe I never will, but I still miss it. I miss us. And maybe, in time, we could rebuild all of this.”

Lena’s mouth dropped open.

“Really? Even after how I’ve treated you? Oh God, how I’ve treated you, I’m so sorry, (Y/N), but I was so scared...”

You interrupted her with a raised hand. “You can’t do this to me again, Lena. You can’t just leave me out of the loop. If we are to have a second chance for...well...us, we need you to be able to trust each other completely. I need you to tell me the truth, always, even if it hurts, even if you’re afraid, and you have to trust me when I say I know what I am getting into.”

Lena nodded frantically, under tears, but she was smiling as well. You weren’t surprised to feel your eyes burn as well. And suddenly, you didn’t know who initiated it, maybe it had been a shared impulse, the two of you closed the distance between each other and fell heavily into each others arms, sobbing tears of relief, joy, loss, fear, a bit of everything.

This would take time, you both knew it, and both of you still had wounds that were a long way from healing, but in this moment you refused to let each other go. This was a path you had to take together, after all.

#supergirl #supergirl imagine #lena luthor #lena luthor imagine #lena luthor x reader #wlw imagine

[fanforthefics]

HI! ITS MEEEEE!!!! Maybe a kiss in danger? Or a kiss out of jealousy? Any paring? (PS: I’m only halfway through the build a bear fic — bc I’m trying to be slow and savor it but it’s not working well bc OMG!! — But OMG!!! I AM IN LOVE!!!! The fake kid!! The unicorn!!! AHHHHH!!!!!

a kiss out of jealousy 

“Are you dating Willy?” 

Tyson looks at Gabe, then blinks. His jaw sets. Gabe’s jaw sets right back. This was the third time in a row that Tyson and Willy had talked about hanging out this week, and at least was at a time when Nate was with Gabe, and so Gabe figured they’d been alone. Then today, Tyson had just walked into the locker room with Willy, both of them laughing, and Tyson had looked up at Willy like he was hysterical and overwhelming and did that…thing he did when he was being charmingly ridiculous and Willy had rolled his eyes but grinned fondly, and–Gabe has a good reason to ask, is what he’s saying. Tyson’s supposed to look at Gabe like that. 

“What?” Tyson demands. 

“Are you dating Colin Wilson?” Gabe repeats. He thinks his voice is even, too. It’s–he’s captain. He’s supposed to know about any potential dynamic shifts in the room. 

Tyson’s eyes narrow. He glances around the room, but it’s empty–Gabe had been sure to grab him when no one else was around. Or, well. He’d been sure to grab Tyson and tell him to stick around, because Gabe had been distracted all practice and that wasn’t okay. He’d looked like an idiot. He wasn’t going to do that again. And Willy had been on fire, which was just unfair. 

“Seriously, Gabe?” 

“Seriously.” 

Tyson huffs out a breath. “Are you asking as my friend, or as my captain?” 

Gabe huffs out his own breath. Why is Tyson making this so difficult? “Does it matter?” 

“Yes,” Tyson says back, in that way he gets when he’s dead set on something. Like, hockey-serious Tyson, not off-ice-serious Tyson.  

Gabe does some quick mental math. As captain, Tyson has to tell him. As captain, it’s not weird for him to demand to know about whether two of his teammates are dating. As a friend–as a friend, Gabe will have to maybe confront why his stomach started clenching when he first got this idea into his head and it hasn’t stopped, and he doesn’t want to do that. 

“As your captain,” he decides. 

“Then it’s none of your business unless it affects my play,” Tyson snaps back, fast enough that he’d clearly set Gabe up. Gabe scowls. That’s not a bad point. That’s the point he’d make, if anyone were asking him about maybe dating a teammate. Not that he’s thought about it. 

“Fine, as your friend,” he snaps back. “Are you?” 

“As my friend, fuck off,” Tyson retorts. His eyebrows are drawn together–he looks really mad now. Or maybe hurt, which is way worse. Gabe always ends up doing ridiculous things when Tyson looks hurt. “What the hell, Landy?” 

“Yeah, what the hell, Landy?” Nate echoes, ducking his head into the locker room. His eyebrows go up, probably at the tension in the room. “Everything okay here?” 

“Yeah, Landy was just interrogating me on my current romantic situation,” Tyson tells him. He’s still eying Gabe with that same look, his eyes somehow both flinty and pathetic at once. Gabe steels himself against the urge to go, like, take him home and set him up with Zoey and cartoons and feed him chocolate until he feels better. He’s right, dammit. 

“Yeah, that tracks,” Nate agrees. 

“Yeah. About how he thinks I’m dating Willy.” Nate’s jaw drops. Tyson’s still glaring. “Which I told him was none of his beeswax. So buzz off.” He picks up his bag, and gives Gabe one final look before he leaves. 

“Willy?” Nate asks, still looking at Gabe in confusion but also maybe like he’s laughing at him. “Really? Out of all the guys on the team–Willy? Not me?” 

“Tyson’s not dating you,” Gabe informs him. He’s sure of that. It maybe took him a little while, because in his defense Tyson called Nate ridiculous nicknames that could be petnames a lot and they seemed to be joined at the hip, but Gabe was over his jealousy of Nate. Nate and Tyson’s bond was just different than the one he had with Gabe. Gabe was okay with that. “Is he dating Willy?”

Nate snorts. “If Tyson didn’t say anything, I’m not going to.” He’s definitely3 on the edge of cracking up. 

“You’re my A,” Gabe complains. It’s not a whine. Nate’s eyebrows go up. 

“Bro,” he says, and he’s more serious now. “Are you using your position as captain to get me to betray Tyson’s trust?” But that way, Gabe can admit, it sounds bad. He sighs. 

“No.” He’s not. He’s really not. He just–wants to know. 

“Good.” Nate smacks him on the shoulder. Gabe will never admit it, but it hurts. “I’m rooting for you, Landy. But not if you do something fucked up like that.”  

“I won’t,” Gabe promises, then– “Wait, why are you rooting for me? Am I competing? He is dating Willy!” 

Nate blinks. Somehow, despite the fact that they look nothing alike, it looks uncannily like how Tyson blinked earlier. It reminds Gabe of dogs and their owners. “Bro,” he says, deeply and with feeling, and follows Tyson out. 

“No, wait!” Gabe demands, following him. “Nate!” 

Fine, Gabe decides. If Tyson won’t just tell him, as a friend, he’ll have to investigate on his own. 

He does this by watching them at the bar the team goes to, after a game. They’re at a table with a bunch of people, so it’s not like Gabe’s spying on them in an intimate moment or anything. He’s just–looking. 

They’re sitting across the table from each other, is Gabe’s first observation. He can’t see under the table, though, so he can’t really be sure they aren’t playing footsie or anything. Footsie is a dangerous game at a table with too many hockey players for leg room, Gabe knows from unfortunate experience, but he’d guess that wouldn’t stop Tyson. It doesn’t look like they’re paying each other more attention than they normally would–Willy’s chatting with Barbs and Sam; Tyson with EJ and Kerfy–but Gabe doesn’t remember anymore. And maybe they’re conspicuously not paying each other attention. In fact, that’s a suspiciously little amount of attention to be paying Tyson. And Tyson’s looking good tonight, all of his summer muscle still clear on his frame, his smile somehow especially inviting. Gabe’s actually a little annoyed at Colin for this. He should be paying Tyson attention. Gabe should probably give him a talking to, just to make sure he’s treating Tyson right. 

Tyson looks away from EJ, and then his eyes lock with Gabe. Gabe doesn’t look away, on the theory that if he doesn’t Tyson might not notice he was staring. 

Tyson rolls his eyes, then gestures with his empty drink, makes a face. Gabe rolls his eyes back, mouths drunk, but he turns to the bar to order Tyson a drink. 

He takes it and his beer back to the booth, then shoves at Tyson’s side until he moves over enough to make room next to him. There isn’t, strictly speaking, enough space for all of them in the booth, so Gabe can both know what Tyson’s thigh feels like pressed up against his leg and also that Tyson’s feet are not across the table. 

“Here,” he says, pushing over the margarita to Tyson. “Have your smoothie.” 

“And a delicious smoothie it is,” Tyson agrees, grinning at Gabe around the straw as he takes a sip. Gabe smiles back reflexively. Tyson’s apparently forgiven him from yesterday. “If you got off your high horse, you could also partake in the joys of fruity drinks.” 

“I don’t think I could take all that sugar.” 

“What, Gabe, you don’t like sweet things?” Tyson tosses back. “I’d say you were too sweet already, but we all know that’s not true. You’re mean.” 

“I’m not mean,” Gabe protests. Then, at the comments that come in all around, “I’m only mean when I should be, then.” He smirks at Tyson. “Sometimes it’s fun.” 

Tyson’s cheeks go red, and he takes another sip of his margarita, muttering something under his breath. Then he resurfaces, still flushed and half-glaring at Gabe. “Whatever, I get to have like infinite dessert, and you all are just drinking bread.” 

“That’s not necessarily true,” Willy puts in. Tyson looks over at him. Gabe doesn’t growl, or anything, but it’s maybe a beer away. “Beers are carbs, but actually the yeast is–” 

“Boo!” Comphy cuts him off. “Don’t ruin beer by making it healthy.” 

“Yeah, next thing you know you’ll be telling me there are kale margaritas,” Tyson adds. Willy rolls his eyes, but he smiles at Tyson. 

“I mean, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t–” 

“Nope,” Tyson interrupts, and puts his drink down to slaps his hands over his ears. “No, I’m not hearing this, hmmmmm.” 

Gabe rescues the drink from falling off the side of the table, and smirks at Willy. “Yeah, Willy. Stop terrorizing Tyson with tales of healthy food.” 

“Hey!” Tyson turns to Gabe now, flushed and intent. Yes. Good. That’s where his attention belongs–bickering with Gabe, “I eat healthy food. I keep my diet plan.” 

Gabe raises a skeptical eyebrow. He’s seen how enthusiastically Tyson breaks his diet plan. He’s maybe encouraged it more than once, more than he should–Tyson’s mental health is more important, he’s always rationalized. And when he comes over and Gabe gives him his favorite ice cream, or proposes a Dairy Queen trip, or gives him candy–Tyson will smile at Gabe like Gabe’s important, like he’s the only person in the world, like they’re going where Gabe thinks they are. Like Gabe could make Tyson happy, for real. 

But still. Tyson definitely breaks his diet plan. “Okay, well, I’m sorry some of us have a sweet tooth,” Tyson sputters, his cheeks going red. “Anyway, it has advantages.” 

“Like?” 

“Chocolate makes you happy, didn’t you know?” Tyson tells him. “Which explains why you’re always so grumpy.” 

“I’m not grumpy!” Gabe protests. This time it’s Tyson’s turn to raise an eyebrow, and fine. Maybe Gabe’s been a little grumpy lately. But only lately. “Not usually,” he mutters, amending. 

“It’s okay,” Tyson reaches out to pat Gabe’s hand, apparently condescending, except Tyson’s touch has never felt simply anything. “We all accept you for who you are. Even when you’re being moody and ridiculous.” 

Gabe smiles back, because he knows it irritates Tyson, and also because he’s just–amused and happy. “And we accept you for who you are. Even when you’re drinking smoothies pretending to be alcohol.” 

“I accept neither of you,” Comphy mutters, and shoves his way out past Willy. Willy, who is watching them, something amused in his face. Or maybe wary? Willy’s generally a pretty good natured guy, it’s hard to tell. Gabe doesn’t know what that means. Gabe’s, like. Not being particularly subtle about flirting with Tyson right now. 

“Well,” Tyson retorts. “Maybe I’m just being considerate. I’ve never heard any complaints from anyone I’ve hooked up with.” 

Gabe chokes on his beer. EJ actually cackles. Willy snorts. Gabe ducks his head, so that he doesn’t have to look at Tyson, who’s flushing but looking pleased with himself at the reaction that got. Fuck, now he’s thinking about it–about getting on his knees for Tyson, about taking Tyson apart with his hands and mouth, Tyson’s hand in his hair–he’d be loud, because it’s Tyson, he’d probably tell Gabe just how good it felt–

Gabe shifts in his seat, his pants feeling a little tight. But he has an image to maintain, so, “Yeah?” he replies. “Neither have I, and I don’t drink vodka smoothies.” 

Now it’s Tyson’s turn to make a noise that isn’t exactly dignified. EJ is still cackling. Gabe would flip him off, but he can’t look away from Tyson. “You wouldn’t,” Tyson shoots back. Gabe can feel how his thigh is bouncing, though. “You’re all–you. No one’s going to complain about hooking up with you. Some of us have to make sure our jizz tastes good, okay?” 

EJ’s started to howl. Gabe’s a little worried about him, actually. Not worried enough to make sure he’s breathing, but still. “Some of us have the skills to make sure no one notices,” Gabe retorts. This whole conversation has gotten away from him a little, but it’s Gabe and Tyson doing their Gabe and Tyson thing, so he’s okay with it. Even if he’s going to need to do some serious thinking about unsexy things soon. “I’m more than just a pretty face, you know.” 

“I have skills!” Tyson protests, because he is at the heart predictible and as much a competitive asshole as the rest of them. “That’s not–oh, fuck off,” he tells EJ, who’s basically just collapsed into Willy by now. 

“No, this is–fuck, you guys are amazing,” EJ tells them. “I should have recorded it.” 

“No you shouldn’t have,” Gabe informs him. Tyson hasn’t moved away from him, still. “Or I’ll…” He trails off, but EJ can extrapolate the threat from there. 

EJ scowls at him. “I’m staging a rebellion.” 

“Okay,” Gabe replies, because EJ threatens that about once a week. In the mean time, Tyson’s gone back to paying attention to his drink. Gabe glances at Willy, across the table, who looks like he’s still laughing at Gabe. Fuck him. Him and his–date things that he and Tyson apparently do, where they hang out and eat dinner and listen to music. Gabe could do that. 

“Hey, Brutes.” He nudges Tyson with his hip. “Have you listened to anything good recently?” 

Tyson gives him a suspicious look. The flush on his face hasn’t gone down since their last conversation. “You think my music taste is garbage.” 

“I don’t!” Gabe protests, even though, well. He kind of does. 

“You said, and I quote, that my music sounds like garbage being put through a trash disposal.” 

“No, I said that about Nate’s music,” Gabe corrects. That one he remembers. “Nate’s music is garbage.” 

“Hey, to each their own,” Tyson warns. “I mean, Mac’s music is questionable, but no throwing stones in houses made of ABBA, eh?” 

“ABBA is–” 

“Or Backstreet boys,” Tyson keeps going. “I have video of you doing the choreo and I’m not afraid to use it.” 

“Knowing the choreography to a classic is nothing to be ashamed of.” Gabe tosses his hair back. He stands by that. 

“Okay, whatever you say.” Tyson rolls his eyes, but he’s clearly laughing. Then–”Actually, Willy. I was on spotify and I heard something you’d like, here.”

“Oh, who’s it by?” Willy leans over the table to look at Tyson’s phone. He grabs at Tyson’s hand so he can angle it so he can see. 

Gabe glares at the place where they’re touching. “I’m getting another drink,” he announces. 

“Bye, Landy,” Willy tells him. Evenly. Tyson doesn’t say anything. 

Gabe sulks over to the bar, where he does order another beer because it gives him something to do. He can’t help looking back at the table, where Tyson and Willy are still looking at Tyson’s phone. 

What does Willy have that he doesn’t have, anyway? He’s big and blonde and hot, sure, but so is Gabe. Gabe’s just as good as he is at hockey–Gabe’s got the C, dammit. And, well. Maybe Willy’s older, he’s got that air of–maturity, maybe, but Gabe can be mature. He can be totally mature. 

Like Gabe could learn to like Tyson’s music, if he tried. He would try. Or, well. He’d pretend to, at least. Just because he didn’t have that in common with Tyson, it didn’t matter. They were still–they could still be what Gabe had thought they were making their way towards, slowly but surely, for all those years of not saying anything. Willy didn’t get to get in between that, just because he had that calming voice and did yoga, or whatever. Gabe could do yoga. He’d look great in yoga pants.   

Maybe Gabe’s drunker than he thought, or maybe the jealousy is getting him drunk, because he spins a little, as he shoves away from the bar to go to the bathroom. At least there he won’t have to see them. 

When he’s done, he steps out into the hallway, leans his head back against the wall. He does, actually, know this is ridiculous. He’s out with friends. He could go hang out with any of them. He shouldn’t be so–it’s all so–

“Captain Grumpy, for sure.” Tyson says, coming out of the bathroom. He kicks at Gabe’s shin. “Come on. We won! Be happy.”  

“I am,” Gabe says. It doesn’t come out sounding very convincing. He just. Tyson’s going to go run off with Willy and live in their kale-filled yurt, or whatever, and Gabe’s not going to get any more of Tyson. 

“Oh my god.” Tyson rolls his eyes. “Come on. Let’s go play some pool, eh? You always feel better when you’re beating Josty at pool.” 

“I do,” Gabe admits. He does. And of course Tyson knows that. 

“Good, let’s go.” Tyson steps past Gabe–then Gabe reaches out, grabs his wrist. Tyson freezes. “Gabe?” 

Maybe Gabe is drunker than he thought. Maybe he can sort of see Willy, right in the sliver of space in the main barroom the hall shows, and Gabe cannot handle Tyson going out there to get wooed away. Maybe Tyson’s just looking up at him with his big eyes and something like confusion and a dare in his eyes, and his lips are full and a little stained with whatever he’s been drinking, and the shadows are playing over his cheekbones, the places where his curls sit on his forehead, and he’s looking at Gabe like Gabe’s the only person in the world. 

“Gabe?” Tyson says again, like it’s caught in his throat, and Gabe tugs on his wrist. Tyson comes, easy for once. “Gabe?” Tyson says a third time, higher pitched, as Gabe lets his hand rest on Tyson’s shoulder. His thumb brushes over the bare skin at Tyson’s neck, and Gabe can feel it, the sparks that are always there. He can see Tyson shiver. 

It’s the shiver that does him in. He tugs Tyson that final bit closer, then leans down to kiss him. 

For a second, it’s everything Gabe had wanted, had thought about maybe more than he should have–the soft noise Tyson makes into his mouth, Tyson’s body pressed to his, Tyson’s lips–and then Tyson’s shoving him away. 

Gabe stumbles back, surprised. He hadn’t–they’ve been waiting for this for years. He was sure Tyson wanted this. This much, the sex stuff, at least. 

“You asshole,” Tyson snaps, and he’s flushed and not in a good way now; in the way he gets when someone’s been mean to Nate or one of the rookies. “You’re doing this now? Seriously?” 

“I–” 

“Fuck off,” Tyson tells him, and there’s anger and Gabe can see the hurt behind it too, which is still so much worse. “Just–drink some water and fuck off, Landy.” 

“Wait, Tys–” But Tyson’s pulled away from him. By the time Gabe takes a deep breath and goes after him, he can’t see Tyson anywhere. 

He can also see Nate, glaring daggers at him from the bar, so that’s a no go. 

“He went outside.” Gabe jumps when Willy comes up next to him. Willy’s eyebrows are raised. He does not look impressed. Well, fuck him. “If you want to go apologize, say.” It doesn’t sound like a suggestion. 

“I was going to,” Gabe mutters. He’s not an idiot. Not even if this makes him feel like one. Willy’s only three years older than him, he doesn’t get to be all–like that. 

“Good. Go.” 

Gabe is tempted not to move, just to be a dick, but he also does want to go chase down Tyson, and in the end, that wins out. He goes. He’s going to go win back or maybe over Tyson, and that’ll be enough. 

He finds Tyson leaning against a wall where smokers might be, if it was more than 45 degrees. His eyes are half closed, his head tipped back. 

“Tys–” Gabe starts. 

“Go away.” 

“No.” Gabe crosses his arms. “I’m sorry. I thought you–that we–that you would be okay with that. If you didn’t want that–” 

“Of course I fucking wanted it!” Tyson’s eyes are open now, and he’s glaring at Gabe again. It’s still better than that hurt. “I’ve wanted it for years, you know that.” Gabe doesn’t deny it, but it settles something in him, something that had been raw and drawn without hearing those words. “But you finally do it now?” 

“What’s wrong with now?” Gabe protests. Sure, it’s not the most romantic setting, but he can do that later. 

“What’s wrong with now is that you just kissed me because you’re jealous of Willy.” Tyson throws his hands up. “I have been waiting for you to make a move for three fucking years, and now it’s tainted because you’re a jealous dick.” 

“It wasn’t just because–” 

“Yes it was!” It’s louder than it should be; Tyson takes a breath and lowers his voice. “You’re not subtle at all, Gabe. You were trying to like, lay claim. Because of Willy, who I am not dating, or interested in dating, or is interested in dating me, and is your fucking friend too and who you’re being a dick to!” 

“I–” 

But Tyson’s on a roll now. “And you don’t get to do that. I don’t care what we are, you don’t get to get mad at who I am hanging out with or talking to or doing anything, because I am not your anything, I am–” 

“Your own person, I know.” Gabe interrupts, because it’s the only way he’s getting a word in. Tyson’s mouth clicks closed, but he’s still breathing heavily. “I know that and I’m sorry, okay?” He is, he finds. He is. He knows. “I just–it felt like I was losing my chance, because I hadn’t said anything.” 

“Then you say something, like a normal person,” Tyson points out. “You don’t–start a investigation to figure out who I’m dating and then try to lay your claim all over me.” 

It’s a fair point, maybe. “You like me even though I”m not like a normal person, though,” Gabe says. Because he thinks that’s true. “Or maybe because.” 

Tyson’s lips quirk up, a little. “Ugh. I do,” he admits. Tyson never was good at staying angry long. 

But then the smile fades. “But you can’t do this shit,” He goes on. His back is hunching against the wall again. “If you’re going to be like this any time I have a friend–and you know how I am, sometimes. That’s not going to change. If you can’t handle it–” 

“I know. It shouldn’t. I don’t want you to change,” Gabe assures him, the words almost getting mixed up with how fast he’s trying to get them out. He doesn’t want Tyson to change. He loves Tyson for all his ridiculous, flirtatious, ways. “I just–it was just because I didn’t know.” He takes a breath. “It’s–Colin’s got a lot of the same pros I do, and he’s older and steady and he likes a lot of the same stuff you do–” 

“Yeah, let’s just find an internet source so you can see how little I care about that,” Tyson cuts him off, but he’s definitely smiling again. “And we like a lot of the same stuff. And who wants older and steadier? That sounds boring.” 

Gabe smiles back at him, hopeful. Tyson’s definitely relaxing now. “We’ve already established I’m not boring.” 

“Oh, you are, but in different, mainly sartorial ways.”

“You like how my clothes look on me.” Gabe takes a step forward, because he doesn’t think he’ll get punched now. Tyson’s head tips back so he can keep looking at him. 

“Everyone likes how your clothes look on you, that doesn’t mean you couldn’t wear a shirt that isn’t a neutral once in a while.” 

“Like you’d know?” 

“I have a very sophisticated wardrobe, Gabriel,” Tyson retorts, and he’s definitely laughing now. Gabe wants to taste it. Wants to taste all of Tyson’s moods, because he can now, because he knows he can and they can finally do this. 

Gabe takes another step closer–and Tyson puts up a hand. “No,” Tyson says. Gabe freezes. He’d thought– “No, I am not rewarding bad behavior. We need a do-over first kiss, when you’re doing it for the right reasons.” 

“I’d be kissing you for the right reasons now,” Gabe points out, looking very obviously at Tyson’s mouth. “You said some things about your smoothies I want to test the truth of.”

Tyson flushes red right down his neck, but shakes his head. “No. No,” he repeats, more firmly. “You were a dick and you don’t get rewarded for that. We’re going inside.” 

“Tyson–” 

“Inside,” Tyson says, and Gabe sighs, but he lets Tyson pull him inside. He even buys Willy a drink, though Willy’s smirking at him like he knows exactly what’s been happening. Gabe’s not exactly pleased with that. But Tyson keeps stealing looks at him all night and then touching his lips, and Gabe had definitely seen Tyson and Nate fist bump earlier and Nate’s stopped glaring at Gabe, so Gabe can handle some smirking from Willy. He got the real prize. 

“You’re coming with me, captain’s orders,” Gabe announces, grabbing Tyson’s wrist as soon as they’re off the ice and basically changed. Tyson’s grinning, still excited from his last second game-winner; he’s brilliant and joking with the guys and Gabe wants to keep him like this forever. And it’s been a full week. If Gabe doesn’t get to kiss him now, he’s–going to sulk very hard, probably. 

“Am I?” Tyson asks, but he’s laughing as Gabe tugs him down a hallway where no one really goes. “Are you going to murder me? Because this looks murdery, Landy, I”m not going to–” 

Gabe cuts him off by pushing him against the wall, then turning to pin him in. Tyson doesn’t look very put off by it. “Does this count as a good reason?” he demands. 

Tyson grins up at him. Maybe he was right–Gabe still thinks they wasted a week, but maybe this is a better first kiss, all joy and no anger or bitterness or alcohol. Just Gabe and Tyson.

“Yeah, this’ll do,” Tyson agrees, and then he’s tugging Gabe in himself, and Gabe forget there’s anyone else in the world. 

#avs fic #my fic #tyson barrie/gabriel landeskog #apparently i have a thing for Gabe fucking up and needing to apologize to Tyson #i have no regrets #(also I'm glad you're enjoying/enjoyed build a bear fic!!) #Anonymous #avs tumblr fic