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morganwrites-starwars · 2 years

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I Stand Here Right Beside You- Chapter 21: Yaim'la

On Ao3

Series Summary: CC-2224 had been a good soldier for the Empire its entire existence, never failing a mission assigned to it. But Lord Vader's next mission might do it in: raise and protect Lord Vader's son. CC-2224 was not cut out for childcare. It's a good thing Cody is.

TW: Cody has a panic attack (small section). Stop reading at "breath, vod, breath" and continue at "you back with us, Cody?"

Masterlist

Series Masterlist

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Reluctantly, Cody and his brothers untangled themselves. Cody, Luke, and Ahsoka were ushered into the room so they could have some privacy. Rex gave Ahsoka a quick hug while Cody examined Helix. Helix, thank the Force, had also not grown any more facial hair. His hair was still pulled into a nerftail, streaked with grey like the rest of them. Helix examined Cody with a critical eye, probably making a list of things to berate Cody about later. And Cody, for the first time, was going to be more than happy to listen to Helix’s mother-henning.

“So, you’re the prince that’s got everyone in a fuss,” Wolffe said, breaking the silence in the room. Luke straightened his back as the attention turned to him.

“Hello,” Luke greeted with a smile, “I’m Luke. It’s nice to meet you all finally.”

Cody rested a hand on Luke’s shoulder, looking at his brothers. Daring them to say something rude to Luke.

Being the normal one of Cody’s brothers, Helix said, “It’s nice to meet you too, Luke. I’m Helix. The one-eyed grump is Wolffe, and blond with a beard is Rex.”

Luke’s smile grew more genuine and, before Cody could stop Luke from saying something embarrassing, Luke asked, “Do you still bite people?”

That little osi’kovid.

Helix, Ahsoka, and Rex all tried to stifle their laughter. Only Helix was successful. Wolffe’s eye twitched, and he glared at Cody.

“I’m about to.”

Cody bared his teeth at his ori’vod.

Helix sighed and looked at Luke, clearly figuring out that Luke’s princely persona was a sham. “It was a nice decade of peace and quiet.” Rex snorted and patted Helix’s shoulder in sympathy. Helix glared at him. “Don’t act so innocent, Rex’ika. You’re just as bad as the both of them.”

Luke seemed to realize that Wolffe wasn’t joking about biting Cody as Wolffe took a step forward. Luke stepped in front of Cody, smiling awkwardly. “Uh, please don’t bite buir, gedet’ye.”

Wolffe froze at Luke’s words. And then snorted in amusement. “Adopted another blond ad’ika, huh Kot’ika? This one as feral as the last?”

“You’re calling me feral?” Rex asked in mock outrage, stepping into the conversation. Rex wrapped his arms around Wolffe’s shoulder, ignoring Wolffe’s glare and huff. “Who do you think I learned it from?”

“Ok, we get it,” Helix rolled his eyes, clearly not wanting to deal with the investable bloodshed this conversation was leading to. “Your entire batch was feral, and you managed to corrupt Rex. It’s a miracle Alpha-17 was able to deal with you all. Now please, stop threatening bodily harm to each other- or at least let me leave the room, so I don’t have to deal with it.”

Cody noticed that Luke had tensed up a bit, and Cody immediately reacted, having not realized that Luke wasn’t used to the way Cody and his vode showed affection. Luke had spent his life being around threats of violence that weren’t jokes or affectionate. Luke probably thought that Wolffe’s annoyance was genuine.

Cody gently moved his hand in between Luke’s shoulder. “Udesii ad’ika, we’re not actually going to hurt each other. It’s just the way we interact. I’m sorry I worried you.”

Luke released a breath and turned to look at Cody, his smile soft. “It’s ok, buir. I should’ve guessed that, after all the stories you’ve told me.”

Cody chuckled and messed up Luke's hair. “I guess our communication has gone downhill recently, huh?”

Luke shrugged but was still smiling. Rex, Helix, and Wolffe watched Cody and Luke interact will fondness in their eyes. Cody imagined they were probably thinking about their shines and their vod’ike from their battalions.

“It’s good to know you haven’t changed all that much, Kote,” Wolffe said. “We were worried about you.”

Cody nodded. “I was worried- well, I guess I had always just assumed you were all dead. It was the kindest possibility.”

Ahsoka, clearly sensing that an emotional conversation was about to happen, asked, “Do you mind if I steal Luke for a little? I have a few things I’d like to talk to him about.”

Cody looked at Luke to see what he wanted to do. Luke considered it for a second before agreeing. Cody gave Luke a side-hug before he followed Ahsoka out of the room. After they left, Rex sat down heavily on one of the beds.

Wolffe spoke, “How the kriff did you end up adopting kriffing Vader’s son?”

Cody sighed and sat down next to Rex. “It just happened. When Vader took Luke, he assigned me to be Luke's caretaker and bodyguard, for some reason.”

Helix frowned and rested against the wall next to the bed Cody and Rex were on. “Vader thought a mind-controlled clone was the best childcare option?”

Cody shrugged. “Beats me. But I got pretty good at it. Managed to come back to myself some, too.”

“So what I’m hearing is that you buired so hard you overcame the chip?” Helix asked with a sigh. “Why am I not surprised?”

“Because that’s who Kote is,” Wolffe shot back. “What I want to know is why you specifically? Or you know, why not some nat-born?”

“Because Vader knew you,” Rex muttered, resting his elbows on his knees and covering his face with his hands.”

“I mean, I had done a few missions under him,” Cody said. “But I doubt it was enough for him to ‘know me.’ I just always assumed that Vader just chose a clone at random since he knew we were unfailingly loyal. He’s not exactly a good buir.”

“No,” Rex said a little louder, sitting up, “No, he knows you. Knew you. Whatever.”

“Rex’ika,” Cody said slowly, concern growing for his upset vod’ika, “What do you mean?”

Rex didn’t answer. He just stood up and started to pace. After a minute, Rex stopped and looked at them. “Vader is Skywalker.”

What. The. Fuck.

“Skywalker? As in your general, that Skywalker?” Wolffe asked incredulously. “As in Tano’s master, that Skywalker? The jetti that died in the Purge, with the other jetti, that Skywalker?”

“Yes!” Rex exclaimed, cutting off Wolffe’s question, tears forming in his eyes. “Yes, that Skywalker! He turned, ‘Fell', or whatever and became a dar’jetti and helped kill the other jetti.”

It was silent after Rex’s outburst. Rex was breathing hard and wiping away tears. Cody’s thoughts had stopped working, making connections between his sweet ad’ika and the bastard Vader.

And kriff-Luke did look like Skywalker, didn’t he? Then who was Luke’s mom-

Never mind, Cody knew who it was. At least Luke had taken after her in personality.

“Well, shit,” Helix said bluntly, perfectly summing up every one of Cody’s current feelings.

“Yeah, you can say that again,” Wolffe muttered, looking ready to march into the heart of the Empire and kill Vader.

If Skywalker had fallen, had been involved with Order 66, had Obi-wan known? Had Obi-wan known that his padawan, someone whom he had confessed to Cody was like a vod’ika, had been involved in the death of the Jedi? Or was the universe kind to Obi-wan for once and let him die thinking Anakin was still in the Light?

Why did Skywalker get to live instead of Obi-wan?

“Breath, vod, breath.” Helix was gently shaking his shoulder. Cody looked at him, having not noticed Helix moving. “Cody, breath.”

Cody inhaled sharply, his chest burning with the lack of air. And he took another breath, perhaps too quickly. But it felt like he couldn’t get enough air in. There was a band constricting around his lungs. Was this what Obi-wan felt like as he fell from that cliff, knowing the vode had been the one to shoot him?

Arms wrapped Cody’s chest, pulling him back into a broad chest. Cody could feel the chest moving in exaggerated breaths. Cody forced himself to try and copy the movements, vaguely recognizing the technique for helping someone through a panic attack.

Was that what was Cody was having?

A smaller set of arms wrapped around Cody’s neck. A voice murmured into his ear, “It’s ok, buir. We’re gonna be ok.”

Cody recognized Luke’s voice, recognized the twinge of concern in it. Cody wrapped his arms around Luke, pulling him into Cody’s chest. The person behind him hadn’t left. Cody recognized the stylized wolf tattoo on Wolffe’s forearm.

Cody released a deep breath and rested his head against his ori’vod’s shoulder. It was an unfortunately familiar position between their batch from their youth on Kamino.

“You back with us, Cody?” Helix asked from Cody’s side. Cody opened his eyes to look at Helix. Helix was kneeling on the bed next to Cody, Wolffe, and Luke. Behind him, Ahsoka was standing with an arm wrapped around Rex.

Cody grunted in response to Helix, causing Helix to roll his eyes at the typical response. Cody felt Luke chuckle into his shoulder. Cody removed one of his arms from around Luke, held it out to the room's other occupants, and closed his eyes again. Helix moved closer, wrapping an arm around Wolffe’s shoulder and resting his head on Cody’s. One of Wolffe’s arms moved from underneath Luke to wrap around Rex, who had moved to sit on Wolffe’s other side. Luke shifted slightly to let Rex rest partially on Cody. Cody felt a little proud that Luke had quickly adjusted and accepted how vode-piles worked.

When Cody didn’t hear or feel Ahsoka join them, he grunted again. “Get over here, al’verd’ika.”

Ahsoka curled around Rex and Wolffe, resting one of her arms across Rex and Luke. Both she and Luke practically melted into the pile, and Cody was reminded that Obi-wan had once mentioned how safe and comforting the vode-piles felt.

“You’re a kriffing Tooka, Kot’ika,” Wolffe grunts at the bottom of the pile. Cody didn’t respond; he just smiled smugly.

He tightened his hold on Luke, swearing to himself, Obi-wan, and Senator Amidala that he would never let Vader even look at Luke.

And that, given a chance, he would turn off Vader’s life support.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Mando'a translation: osi'kovid: shithead gedet'ye: please Jetti: jedi dar'jetti: sith

Masterlist

Series Masterlist

#clone wars #cc 2224 #commander cody #purge trooper cody #imperial luke skywalker #luke skywalker #i stand here right beside you #star wars #darth vader #cody x obi wan #leia and luke #leia organa #ahsoka tano #codywan #obi wan kenobi #commander wolffe #captian rex #Aliit ori'shya tal'din

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songder-bot · 5 months

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songs from my spotify wrapped that are not yet in the bot

(i'm not saying all of these will be added, but some of them probably will be. mostly i'm putting this here as a reminder to myself)

(under the cut bc its 74 songs lol)

hollywood baby by 100 gecs (its in now!)

clusterhug by i dont know how but they found me (in also!)

heartbreak feels so good by fall out boy

somebody told me by the killers

bud like you by ajr

overexposed by matt and kim

pompeii by bastille

wrecking ball by mother mother

dumbest girl alive by 100 gecs

love from the other side by fall out boy

lights go down by idkhow

ferris wheel by sylvan esso

young volcanoes by fall out boy

choke by idkhow

sunflower by post malone spiderman

tell me ma by sham rock (....i cant explain)

you first by paramore

doctor worm by they might be giants

lake effect kid by fall out boy

rio by mika

icarus by the crane wives

baby you're a haunted house by gerard way

hand of god - outro by jon bellion

wellerman - electric swing remix by betty booom (...I CANT EXPLAIN)

little talks by of monsters and men

one last cigarette by the band camino

turn the lights off by tally hall

joe by ajr

oxford comma by vampire weekend

punk tactics by joey valance (okay this one i can explain)

home run! by shawn wasabi

candy by robbie williams

the last of the real ones by fall out boy

hello brooklyn by all time low

vampire money by my chemical romance

& by tally hall

never met! by cmten, glitch gum, 100 gecs

wage wars get rich die handsome by the mountain goats

everybody loves me by onerepublic

talk too much by coin

so much for stardust by fall out boy

walking on sunshine by katrina and the waves

new york city by they might be giants

pollyanna by green day

philly forget me not by hall & oates & train

you're gonna go far kid by the offspring

rose colored boy by paramore

oh no! by marina

you're nobody till somebody wants you dead by saint motel

everybody wants to rule the world by tears for fears

way less sad by ajr

best friend by toy-box

mememe by 100 gecs

need a little sunshine by augustana

work this body by walk the moon

washing machine heart by mitski

spent my life by kindred

sonder by the wrecks (ehehe its my name)

let's dance to joy division by the wombats

istanbul (not constanstinople) by they might be giants

this december by ricky montgomery

otter pop by shawn wasabi

ok overture by ajr

sweet talk by saint motel

mos thoser by fraxiom/food house/gupi

and the day goes on by bill wurtz

yes i'm a mess by ajr

we are the crystal gems from steven universe

i wish that i could wear hats by brian david gilbert

wilson (expensive mistakes) by fall out boy

waterfalls coming out your mouth by glass animals

only happy when it rains by garbage

let's get this over with by they might be giants

west coast smoker by fall out boy

#not bot #enjoy this glimpse into my bizarre music taste!#slash very loose to-do list #it really does function as a good reminder! like oh huh i HAVE been meaning to put hollywood baby in here for a while

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farsight-the-char · 4 years

Conversation

Psylocke: How many people did you let fuck my Body?

Betsy: Uh..................

Psylocke: I am not mad, I am just curious.

Betsy: I kind of lost track. Mostly Warren if that helps?

Psyclocke: God damn it.

#betsy braddock #captain britain #psylocke #kwannon #xmen #marvel #I am not shamming Betsy here #ok I might be shamming a little #though I blame the writers more

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isekaithatplease · 3 years

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WEBTOON RECOMMENDATIONS PT 2

Like I promised, I’m back and bringing More WEBTOON recommendations! (Gonna be a lot shorter than last time because I’m busy, but maybe I might make a pt 3)

This is easily one of THE BEST webcomics on webtoon- so much so that it kind of blows my mind that it hasn’t dominated the front page for Halloween.

Official synopsis- When Chaerin Eun becomes the protagonist of the romance novel she is reading, she expects a fairytale ending with the novel’s love interest, Jeha. But when a bizarre twist makes her realize the story is not playing out as it does in the book, she’ll need the help of an unlikely character from her class to defy the new storyline and find her happy ending -- if only she can figure out who this ‘Unknown Extra’ is first!

Another really, really good webtoon- about this 18 year old named Robin, who’s so obssessed with fairy tales that she just wants to live life as a princess (like an actual princess) and ends up wishing herself into another dimension full of fairy tales where the only way she can go home is by taking on the role of Prince Charming- where she make sure everyone has their happily ever afters. A lot of character development and good messages here! Characters work really well off of each other, and literally every joke lands- the pacing is also really good too! (Maybe even too good), so if you’re looking for a fun read, on the (for now) lighter side, I’d definitely recommend this. (Heck I’d recommend it if you were looking for something serious).

Ok this is called Get Schooled or True Education (whichever you prefer) - and is literally one of, if not my favorite webtoons ever- in fact- if it weren’t for this webtoon, I don’t think I’d remember to check in every Sunday (since Remarried Empress and a few others went on hiatus) It’s literally the Rico Nasty of webtoons in the best way possible (I said what I said- it has a lot of chaotic energy, and deals with heavy themes very well).

Official Synposis- Hwajin Na’s teaching techniques are pretty violent for someone who works in the Ministry of Education. That being said, when punishments don't seem to work on even the worst of school bullies, there is no better man for the job. Sometimes you can’t get a good education until those bullies are taught a lesson.

This one is Called The Snake and The Flower-

Synopsis: Long ago, an emperor suddenly decided to execute the members of his court. Only after being offered a girl named Aehwa, did the emperor’s rampage stop. The emperor cherishes his “flower” dearly. When Aehwa expresses an interest in music, the Emperor makes Harang Kang her personal court musician. However, the emperor decreed that only he can lay eyes on Aehwa and has Harang’s eyes destroyed. After finding out the true cause of his father’s death, Harang swears revenge on both Aehwa and the Emperor. In this twisted realm of snakes and flowers, who will prevail?

OK- I’ll admit that even though this one has just started, and is probably Romance (the only Romance webtoon I’ll ever recommend) It’s really really fun so far- I love the fl, who despite you’d think would be like Regina from Mean girls is pretty cool? Ml is awful at first, but I’m expecting to see him change in a bit. (I think it’s gonna be a SLOW BURN)

Synopsis:

Popular girl Andrea has a big secret... her perfect life is a sham. She hides an after school job that supports her family so she can fit in with her wealthy friends. After she loses her job, she lands a lucrative gig as a maid in an ultra-rich family mansion. Little does she know, this home belongs to her biggest rival and the guy she hates most: Alex.

#webtoon #webcomic recommendations #maid for hire #forever after #surviving romance #the snake and the flower #get schooled

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highly-important · 2 years

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Mrs Maisel and Meaningful Choices

Ok one more Mrs Maisel thinkpiece. (maybe not the last.) This is based on some stuff I was screaming into the void onto Reddit but I like Tumblr more.

One of the ways you can define a fictional character is by the difficult decisions they have to make. Its a way to test a character and show what they're really made of.

In season 2, Midge has to choose between comedy or a beloved position at the makeup counter. And after Benjamin proposes to her, Midge chooses to tour with Shy Baldwin instead.

We as the audience understand what is at stake with these choices. Choosing one means sacrificing the other. And this choice defines who Midge is as a character. She cares more about her comedy career than she does makeup or romance.

But I think where season 4 is stagnating is Midge doesn't have the same types of choices anymore.

Season 4 is about self-sabotage. Sophie's talk show said it out loud. We have Lenny's addictions, Susie working with the mob again, Susie's magician, Abe's theater review, Shy's whole deal, and Rose being asked by the matchmaker mafia to ditch her highest paying and highest profile client yet.

We know Midge messed up at the Apollo because she was afraid of bombing, but we also don't know why she picked the jokes she did when she established she had other material to work with. She had a less destructive and less hurtful option but for some reason didn't take it.

Midge pledges in s4 e1 to not be an opener for someone else, but after getting desperate for money she agrees to warm up the crowd at Sophie Lennon's show. This is one of the first interesting choices she has to make. I guess that the show is trying to say that by fighting Sophie, Midge is taking back her dignity. But couldn't she have just walked away with her dignity by not engaging in Sophie's petty jealousy? Midge knows shes funnier than Sophie, she doesn't have to prove it.

TMM persists in pretending that Midge is always in the right, but she is self-sabotaging and completely unaware of anyone else's problems. This could be really interesting if the show let her be anything but perfect. She sacrificed so much in the name of being great at comedy, something which was potentially a soul-destroying choice. Her sets have a lot of collateral damage. But Midge is always presented as a victim and never a villain.

In the past she had to choose between things she loved and having a comedy career. Now she is presented with multiple options, but chooses the options that are the most self-destructive. Its why, in my opinion, her character isn't as compelling this season or why her scenes feel stagnant.

(Also, as an aside: ASP doesn't seem to get the problem why essentially outing Shy in front of a huge audience at the Apollo would be a friable offense. Midge got to perform her long apology guilt trip, which is weird because a few episodes ago she was more concerned with the fact that she killed during the set, and then Midge got to see Shy being punished. Forced into a sham wedding, his entire team gutted by management that only cares about Shy's career and not him as a person. Its insane how this was handled. Midge truly felt entitled to something despite her behavior. Also, she is constantly taking out her anger with Shy on other black men. First she’s hitting a random taxi cab driver’s car with a branch, then she’s knocking a platter out of a black waiter’s hands. wtf)

Its also why I think the strip club stuff is the most interesting part of her plot this season, because its the only time we've seen Midge do the dirty work of building her career. She is carving out a space for herself. We are actively seeing her make a situation better not just for herself, but for other women (and the men who are reluctantly admitting she's improving the business.) But she is also not being forced to make any difficult choices. It also feels a little flat because Midge has done this before; season 1 when she performed at house parties. Midge might think she's carving out a space for herself, but she is also hiding from her career.

#tmmm #tmmm s4 #marvelous mrs maisel #midge maisel

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weirdlypersonalrpmemes · 3 years

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SENTENCE STARTERS: RANDOM SHIT I’VE SAID AND THOUGHT ABOUT SAYING, PART 3.

⤿ texts edition... 2! tw: alcohol, death, drugs

[ txt ] god. it stresses me out thinking abt finishing this book bc like what if people read it and are like “i know this character better than the author knows this character” like fuck you did you hold them in your head since the ripe age of ten years old and watch them move from being cardboard cutouts of video game characters to reflections of past lovers to complicated fleshed out and fucked up people? no <3

[ txt ] HIT ON THEM. MAKE IT AN ADVENTURE

[ txt ] YOU’RE UGLY /SRS

[ txt ] so im understanding that people like uh........ men who work out..... furrie..s.....

[ txt ] if we uhaul it we should definitely get a dog

[ txt ] ive been having [name] withdrawals, you see

[ txt ] im a sham. i drink breakfast tea at all hours

[ txt ] i think they’re a sansmaeda kinnie

[ txt ] A MAN IS AGGRESSIVELY FLIRTING WITH ME I’M AFRAID

[ txt ] im gonna be honest i might need alcohol

[ txt ] my friend’s dog fucking hates men and stoners and im like good for her!

[ txt ] what she says: im a morning person. what she means: i will kill anyone if they talk to me after 4pm

[ txt ] if we’re matching togafuka i call fukawa. i can be obsessed with you and you can tell me to stop breathing

[ txt ] ok this was in 2016 and i was a baby trans so dont judge me too hard

[ txt ] i am deeply invested in your safety

[ txt ] i can’t fathom ever hitting 30 yfeel me? like i know it’ll probably happen. but i can’t imagine it

[ txt ] im filled with suffering (dramatic)

[ txt ] we r coping. coping r us

[ txt ] at my funeral they had better be playing heavy rain chase fail (hilarious laughter)

[ txt ] my brain has been like on the verge of exploding recently. finals season for my emotional state

[ txt ] im here to talk abt the trauma of fictional characters not my own

[ txt ] good morning my little pogchamp

[ txt ] he's/she's/they're the ideal companion for any serial killer!

[ txt ] they were an actual veggietales kinnie....

[ txt ] im trying to be like. nice. and not be like “i don’t trust you”

[ txt ] me to my blankets: my love my love my love she keeps me warm

[ txt ] yeehonk indeed!

[ txt ] don’t think i have Forgotten that your birthday is tomorrow

[ txt ] ive been recommended bojack horseman in the past but im like. will this send me into a deep depression?

#ask meme #ask memes #rp meme #rp memes #inbox meme #inbox memes #mine #random shit i’ve said and thought about saying #random shit i've said and thought about saying

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bluesmason · 2 years

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I just find it weird how already people on this site have now slut shammed or called the girl who posted the stories a "clout chaser" like we don't even know her she's literally recording her night out with friends like any other human being might. but just because it appears that mason is in the background she is immediately all these awful things in order to exempt their little white boi (not refering to u bestie)

so since i’ve said multiple times that i simply do not care about this women or any women mason is somehow “linked” with, i’m going to keep this short. yea ok calling her a clout chaser is a funny once since yes as you said she just recorded her night out and it seems that she hasn’t even posted it but it was jayden from HER phone. and slutshaming is never okay so i wouldn’t do it, all i said is that her voice sounds very weird and the interaction sounds very VERY weird. otherwise i do agree with you.

#now please stop mentioning that women in my anons #.asks

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dailydnp · 3 years

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YouTube stars and LGBT+ influencers Dan Howell and Jessica Kellgren-Fozard on how they and their queer fans have helped each other through “radical bravery”.

Dan Howell, a comedian and one of world’s most popular YouTubers, and Jessica Kellgren-Fozard, lesbian YouTube star and disability advocate, have had vastly different experiences as queer content creators.

The two LGBT+ YouTubers spoke to PinkNews to mark the launch of The Rise, a YouTube campaign that celebrates diverse UK creative talent on the platform.

Having already made YouTube videos for 10 years, Dan came out publicly in June 2019, in a 45-minute video titled “Basically I’m gay”.

He described his coming out story as “very strange”, and told PinkNews: “Me already being this kind of obnoxiously, omnipresent public figure, I had to kind of go on this process.

“I’ve known how gay I was since forever, but had to go on the whole journey of not just working out how I would communicate that to the world, but truly reaching a point of self-acceptance.

“Because on some level throughout all of my life, I’ve accepted it but not really acknowledged it. I said: ‘I’m not ready yet, now’s not the time, I don’t know how.'”

Jessica, on the other hand, explained that she has “never struggled” with her sexuality, having always known she would be accepted.

“I have a very different coming out story to most LGBT+ people in that I was raised in a Quaker family, and there was never the expectation that I was going to grow up and get a husband and that this was the way things happened… So I’ve never struggled with my sexuality in that way,” she said.

While Jessica uses her online platform to discuss her life as an LGBT+ person as well as queer history, much of her audience comes to her channel for her disabilities advocacy.

She has two rare genetic conditions, HNPP and EDS, which affect her nerves and connective tissues. She is deaf, visually impaired and her conditions can affect her mobility with varying severity.

“Being a disabled and chronically ill teenager, I had this big thing in my life that was really difficult, and a real struggle, and being gay just paled in comparison,” she said.

“There was obviously the drama, the girls that I liked didn’t liked me, they always turned out to be straight. But that was the biggest drama.

“When I started YouTube, I was already married, it was already very much like, this is who I am. I’m gay, this is my wife. There’s no question. There’s no worrying about it.”

She added: “I like to think that that does, in a way, represent what our future is going to be – that we don’t have to have these coming out stories where people worry about how they’re going to be accepted, and worried about the response they’re going to get.”

Dan Howell wishes he’d had queer role models like Jessica Kellgren-Fozard when he was growing up.

Dan Howell said that YouTubers like Jessica Kellgren-Fozard could have helped him immensely when he was discovering his LGBT+ identity.

“If there was someone like Jessica when I was a young person watching YouTube, I just know I would have had a profoundly different journey through life and coming to accept my sexuality,” he said.

“I would have been represented, I would have learned about queer history, I would have been seeing different relationships, seeing different personalities.”

From LGBT+ issues to disabilities and mental health, both Dan and Jessica have used their platforms to share their experiences in areas that are vastly underrepresented in mainstream media, showing their viewers many facets of their identities.

In 2017, Dan used his YouTube channel to discuss his struggle with his mental health, in a video titled “Daniel and Depression”.

“There’s many aspects to a human,” he said. “I’ve always come from a place of just talking about whatever’s on my mind, or whatever is important to me.

“It was quite a jump for me to make that first video about mental health, opening up about depression out of nowhere was quite scary. Because even three or four years ago, it was still more of a taboo topic.

“I tried to do it in my own way, which is to kind of inappropriately joke about it at my own expense, and try to make it a storytelling experience. That’s just the same as everything else I do.”

Jessica said that from her point of view, “the best representation is always ‘happens to be'”.

“It’s the idea that you have a character who’s going on an adventure, you have someone who’s talking to you about makeup, and they just happen to be gay. Because otherwise we’re not really going to be reaching outside of our own echo chamber.”

She explained that some viewers end up watching 10 of her videos without ever realising that she’s married to a woman, which she thinks is “the best way to kind of have any change and effect on the culture and and people in the world”.

“Because if we’re always trying to preach to the choir, we’re not really going to get anywhere,” she said.

“But if people are thinking so-and-so on TV is absolutely amazing and then later find out that they’re gay, maybe they’ll be changing some preconceived notions.”

“It’s this kind of sneaky, insidious way that the gay agenda will thrive and inevitably take over the world,” laughed Dan. “Winning hearts and minds.”

One particularly heartwarming example, Jessica said, was when a fan used her videos to come out to their parents.

“She was raised in a very religious household and her parents were not at all open to the idea of homosexuality. In fact, if they were watching television, and something came up relating to the subject, they would immediately turn it off, change the channel, perhaps say something wasn’t particularly lovely.

“She was sat there feeling like, ‘Oh, am I ever going to come out my parents?'”

The fan decided to curate a playlist of Jessica’s videos to show her mother.

“It started with videos that I made about my religion,” she said, “and then transitioned to fashion and videos about history. And just slowly, each video was a slightly gayer video.”

“Her mother became a fan within the first 20 videos. She was like: ‘This seems like a good role model for my child.’

“Eventually [she realised] this role model has a wife and is gay, and is OK with this. And her parents are religious and OK with her being gay… I was able to provide a tool for someone to do that to come out in quite a safe way to their parents.”

The “radical bravery” of his queer fans helped Dan Howell come out.

Dan Howell, on the other hand, said that his fans were the ones who helped him feel safe to come out.

While still in the closet, he said he found it “difficult” that he viewers saw him as someone who was always “open and honest” with them, especially after sharing his experience with depression.

“I went on a world tour in 2018… I was doing these meet and greets, and people would genuinely pour their hearts out to me, and they would talk about everything they were going through in their life,” he said.

“They would talk about illness, they would talk about mental health. And so many people talked about sexuality, just because the community that had been created had this attitude of acceptance and growth and coming together and wholesomeness.”

While he understands that there was “no presumption [he] was a homophobe”, he found it confusing when people would tell him that he had inspired them to come out.

“It was difficult, because I stood there feeling like I was a sham. People were saying: ‘I feel strong enough to say this to you, because you’ve been so open and vulnerable to me.’ And I was just stood there like: ‘Well, actually, I feel like there’s the biggest part of me that I haven’t even yet gone on the journey to acknowledge myself.’

“I mean, I’ve had people that came out to me in front of their parents, because they felt like they were in a safe environment, and that’s crazy.

“The radical bravery of some of these people is what made me think if I was feeling like a little scared dog in my apartment, looking in the mirror like a chihuahua, thinking: ‘How am I ever going to come out publicly at this stage of my life?’ I would think well, actually, look at the younger generation.”

In the ‘chaos’ of the internet, queer YouTubers like Dan Howell and Jessica Kellgren-Fozard building valuable communities.

While the internet can be a scary place for queer folk, Dan Howell and Jessica Kellgren-Fozard are determined to use it to build community and acceptance.

“I think that we don’t talk enough about the wonderful sides of the internet,” said Jessica.

“How it allows people to come together and create a community, how it gives us access to education that might before been blocked to us, how we’re able to actually learn from people who come before us.

“I really like talk about queer history, because we’re one of the only communities and minorities that can’t pass down out knowledge through the generations. Because you know, gay people don’t necessarily have gay kids.

“We often miss out on learning from our elders and learning what’s come before us. And I think it’s really important and lovely that we talk about and validate and really cherish these communities that are available to us on the internet.”

Dan added: “When you look at the chaos of the internet and various online communities, I think it is good to see when people are creating content that can make people feel better.

“For all of the terrifying chaos of the freedom of the internet and creating on YouTube, it also lets people emerge that may not have been represented, you can create the content that you wish someone was making for you.

“And I think that’s one of the best things.”

#daniel howell #danisnotonfire #dan #phan #mine #interview

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holdmyhopeinyourhands · 3 years

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I am actually a bit surprised that the anti-England stance does seem to have massively increased this year considering the amount of support they also were getting for refusing to stop taking the knee, anti-homophobia and anti-child hunger campaigning etc. There's always the usual 'anyone but England' stance which as you said is actually pretty harmless. I've just seen it taken a step too far by people this year, more so than usual. Just a surprising observation!

Ok. I will do this. *takes of my bias goggles*

Ok. Here we go. I think there might be several reasons behind it. I didn't really think about it since I don't usually interact with the broader footballing community on here as a psg fan and only get the chance to see what everyone thinks during these big tournaments. But from what I've learned these past few hours. The "anyone but England crowd" has grown significantly maybe partially due to England performing surprisingly well in last world cup.

The fact that they came that far to everyone's surprise immediately garnered them hate because of the "it's coming home chant". And I bet people likely grew smug when England lost and have felt smug about it ever since. (also since England didn't really face any big opponents and had an easy bracket, people resented them for that too).

And of course southgate's football isn't anyone's cup of tea, cuppled with the real fear (whether certain folks want to admit it or not) that England has a real chance to win it all and suddenly the "anyone but England crowd" has become defeaning. Add the fact that Premier League bias has made a lot of club football fans from other leagues dislike English anything and tada!!!! You have a whole new crowd of people that don't like England (excluding the actual anti Englad og fans who have always disliked them). Didn't help that your fans slut shammed, abused and booed a little, crying German girl either though. That was just low. Oh and another big part is that English fans (outside of tumblr) are incredibly toxic and anyone who follows football know this very well. So that dislike for the english fans are brought over here too.

So yeah, I don't actually think people have an issue with the English players specifically. Most of them are quite lovely in fact and I would legit die for some of my favorite players there but the team as a whole? What it means to the English fans? And what it can accomplish? That has brought on even more hatred.

Phew. That's my last essay for the night hopefully.

#denmark vs england #euro 2020 #football #football ask #ask #anon #filter ask #england nt

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jess-rewatches-prodigalson · 3 years

Text

Face Value (S2, E7)

My time-stamped thoughts for this episode. As always I reference Malcolm’s mental health. A lot. So if that’s going to be a trigger for you, don’t keep reading.

SPOILERS AHEAD:

0:05 - Hold your horses. Malcolm taught at Quantico?!? I mean, I realize that he probably just did the occasional guest lecture (like most profilers?) but I’m still stupidly proud of him. <3

0:50 - ngl Malcolm’s a good lecturer. Take it from a university student.

1:13 - “It’s okay. We don’t know what you did and it’s not that mu-....BREATHE” Holy shit. I’m torn between ranting about what a great actor Tom Payne is and losing my mind because this scene is heartbreaking. Look at Malcolm. I swear he’s reminding himself to breathe - not Ainsley. He’s completely panicking but he’s trying so hard to be strong for Ainsley. This boy is an absolute treasure. Brother of the CENTURY.

1:41 - “You’re right Ainsley. I screwed up.” NO NO NO NO NO. Can you hear the sound of my heart shattering?!? This scene is so much more devastating the second time. When you know Ainsley is putting ON A SHOW HERE. Look at Malcolm’s face. He’s devastated. He blames himself for AINSLEY’S actions. He’s starting to genuinely believe that he’s no better than Martin Whitly. Malcolm’s depression/anxiety is through the roof in this episode. I honestly won’t be shocked if Malcolm has a complete mental breakdown in the next few episodes. Hell, I don’t think I’d be surprised if he tries to OD on his meds. This boy is in crisis and I’m terrified for him.

1:44 - “I think I did too.”.....this line is interesting. Is this part of Ainsley’s act or is she showing some regret for putting Malcolm through this much emotional torment? She can clearly see that this whole situation is literally destroying her brother’s already fragile peace of mind.

1:55 - “Today could be the day!”.....the day that everyone finds out about Endicott and Ainsley.....seriously, Malcolm’s daily affirmations this season have done nothing but feed his anxiety.

2:04 - OF COURSE. A call from Martin. Malcolm is going to have a mental breakdown. It’s just everything. All at once. I’m getting secondhand anxiety FOR him.

2:35 - hahaha Martin is a crazy, evil, pain in the ass but damn is he entertaining.

2:55 - 1) Ainsley looks adorable in Malcolm’s hoodie. 2) Ainsley straight up leaves his loft later in this episode. Did she hid a change of clothes in the loft before Malcolm got home last night? Or does she actually leave her big brother’s apartment in his clothes?

3:05 - “Getting hit by a train might be better.” Yep. Malcolm is entering a dangerous territory. I know depression is different for everyone but for me, when I start joking - out loud - to people I love about death in passing....things are bad. Like I’m getting suicidal bad. I know Malcolm has a morbid job and he talks about death all the time but this feels like Malcolm is starting to consider suicide as an option.

3:34 - I can see Ainsley’s “You were trying to control me” perspective. BUT honestly? Take a step back and listen to the desperation and fear in Malcolm’s voice. Anyone with half a brain cell can HEAR how scared Malcolm is and how deeply he loves his sister. Ainsley has known Malcolm her entire life. If she was functioning on all cylinders - she would know that Malcolm is just being a protective big brother. He’s not trying to control her - just help her. But this has been a theme for Ainsley since season 1 when she brought up visiting Martin during family dinner. She seems to believe that Jessica and Malcolm think that she’s a “fragile flower” and that she can’t take care of herself. I understand how that could be frustrating but I also find it concerning that Ainsley doesn’t seem to understand that they aren’t treating her that way because they think she’s weak or stupid but rather out of love. Ainsley acts like a petulant child about this sort of thing (anger, whining, eye-rolling). Ainsley acts very entitled a lot, in the sense that if something doesn’t go her way she just throws a hissy fit (think reporting and/or any Whitly family squabble). Ainsley is messed up. Unlike Malcolm, she doesn’t seem to have any self-awareness when it comes to her behavioural eccentricities. Malcolm actively tries to improve his mental state. Ainsley just throws a hissy fit when the world doesn’t bend to her will.....and this stream of consciousness Ainsley rant just became wayyyyy longer than I had anticipated (sorry).

3:41 - “Promise me.” See that look? Ainsley is pissed at Malcolm. This girl’s anger is concerning me.......what if (crazy thought) the season finale is Martin escaping Claremont to stop Ainsley from killing Malcolm?

3:43 - I wish I could be happier about this hug. Malcolm is finally getting a hug but.....he instigated it and he’s not the one being comforted sooooooooo I’m still unsatisfied.

3:49 - “Hey, you look...terrible.” SCREAM IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS DANI!! God. I love how concerned she is about Malcolm. IDC how you feel about Brightwell. If you don’t think they’re good friends - you’re a moron.

4:05 - This is the moment when I went....oooohhhh yeah. LDP directed this episode. That’s probably why he’s not in this scene.

4:10 - JT is a GOOD husband. Give him a medal. Seriously - last season he was going to watch the Taylor wedding live with Tally (who was going to wear a hat <3 ), this season Mr. Masculine casually throws out stats about the Housewives. hahaha I don’t even care if JT genuinely enjoys the Housewives or not. I’m just so utterly delighted at the idea of him watching it with his wife and having a good time with her. <3 JT is the definition of a good husband and I’m HERE FOR IT.

4:34 - .......seriously? I thought Edrisa had realized that this crush is unrequited last season? I love Edrisa but her obsession with Malcolm is getting a little creepy. Like “13 year old in love with the 40 year old math teacher” creepy. It’s sort of cute but also like - gurl. No.

4:38 - Ok. Dani’s reaction to Edrisa hitting on Malcolm saves the scene for me. Lol.

4:51 - Ugh. That is a really creepy corpse.

4:56 - Look. We’ve all obsessed about it already but I have to bring it up: MALCOLM STILL HAS THE BRUISE FROM THE ELEVATOR. SOMEONE GIVE THE MAKEUP DEPARTMENT A MEDAL. THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR REMEMBERING MALCOLM’S PHYSICAL TRAUMA.

5:21- ......ok maybe I’m projecting my cynicism here but anyone who has framed newspaper clippings about themselves in their office is seriously egocentric. Maybe it’s just me - but that’s a massive turn off and takes someone out of the running for “angel” status.

6:10 - I’m sorry for every time I thought Jessica was a crazy rich lady during season 1. Birdie is so so so much crazier.

6:36 - “Only the men you date.” Bitch. OMG. Who says something that backhanded and cruel to their sibling?!?!? ......oh wait. I remember how this episode ends :|

7:15 - THANK YOU. I’ve been wondering about the status of Martin’s medical certification since I watched the pilot. SO happy to find out that he couldn’t weasel his way into keeping it.

7:37 - Like most of you, I’ve been creeped out by this whole Martin/Capshaw interaction since it was released as a promo clip. Seriously - it’s creepy. There’s an upsetting amount of subtle flirting here. I’m not sure what it is about Capshaw but her whole energy is just really unnerving to me. I immediately hated her in the promo. Istg Capshaw is an undercover serial killer or something. AND IF SHE BECOMES A LOVE INTEREST FOR MARTIN I WILL LOSE MY SHIT.

8:06 - Oh yeah. She’s either romantically interested in Martin or she’s a psychopath on the DL and is playing him.

8:12 - YAY!!! The Yankee mug returns!!! <3

8:34 - “Sometimes the most monstrous people are the ones hiding in plain sight.” Ouch. I know the writers like to project Malcolm’s emotional turmoil on the case of the week but hearing those words come out of Gil’s mouth?!? Ouch. That hurt Malcolm. Bad. It wasn’t even directed at Malcolm but damn. This is not helping his mental health. At all.

8:41 - Gil. Is. Concerned. <3 :) .....pretty sure Gil also suspects about Endicott and Ainsley by now too. .....hmmmmm maybe that comment about monsters was Gil’s way of trying to get Malcolm to confess (or to gauge Malcolm’s reaction)?

9:15 - I feel so bad for Malcolm here. He’s literally juggling everyone’s problems. Ainsley’s murder situation. Jessica’s personal drama. But is he dealing with his emotional problems? No. He’s too busy being a good son/brother. SOMEONE PAY ATTENTION TO MALCOLM. HE NEEDS A HUG.

9:35 - Deer. In. Headlights. Well....at least Dani knows Malcolm’s about to have a mental breakdown. This boy just got more information to help him crack a murder case and he looks confused, startled, and lost. He’s usually excited and motivated. This Endicott situation is slowly killing Malcolm. I don’t know how much longer he can struggle under the weight of the guilt.

9:48 - Look at this. Ainsley is pissed off that Malcolm isn’t paying attention to her. We know that this whole 2nd murder was a sham so WTF? Is she really just that hungry for attention? That sounds like Martin Whitly to me - the narcissistic psychopath who needs attention like an addict needs cocaine. Also AINSLEY’S acting here?!? We know that she’s lying to Malcolm but holy shit. She’s a really good actress/liar? What else has she lied about?!?

10:05 - Ok. So just when did Ainsley remember? I honestly think she’s known since at least 2x01.

10:20 - Look. I understand that Ainsley is pissed that Malcolm is trying to ‘control her’. But did she even listen to the desperation and fear in his voice? This boy wants her to stay in the loft because he’s scared of who she might hurt if she’s out in public, unsupervised. He’s not trying to abuse or hurt her - just protect her. Is he misguided -maybe? Should he have called the cops on Ainsley right away - probably. But he didn’t out of love. Ainsley doesn’t even seem to realize how much this whole situation is hurting Malcolm and that’s the biggest problem. She doesn’t show any remorse at killing Endicott. She’s just pissed off that Malcolm lied about it. SHE KILLED SOMEONE an she (outwardly at least) feels no remorse. This girl is a psychopath (sociopath?) and this will NOT end well for Malcolm and Jessica.

10:27 - This whole scene was awesome btw. Tom Payne flawlessly communicated Malcolm’s panic, fear, anger, and desperate attempts to stay calm. And Dani’s blatant concern (and suspicion) of Malcolm and his mental state. AND Ainsley being a little brat. Ugh. So beautiful.

10:45 - I love this scene. I love the fact that they have the type of friendship where Dani’s not afraid to call Malcolm out on his crap (trying to hide things from the team). I love that Malcolm isn’t offended that Dani called him out. He doesn’t lie. Ainsley is lost at the moment. Malcolm is more honest with Dani about how the whole Ainsley thing is affecting him than he is with anyone else. I love that Dani still looks suspicious and concerned. I love watching Dani piece this whole thing together. I’m honestly at a point where I think Dani is going to know about Endicott before Gil. I love that Dani gives Malcolm honest, judgement-free advise. Because she doesn’t like seeing how much pain Malcolm is in. I love that Malcolm isn’t completely shutting her out. <3

11:00 - “What if she already has?”.....yep. Dani is totally piecing the Endicott situation together.

11:09 - “I’m overthinking it.” THIS. There is a split second where you can see the betrayal on Dani’s face. She knows Malcolm is hiding something and she’s hurt that he doesn’t trust her enough to let her in. She’s also probably hurt because she views this as a lie - which brings back 1x20 memories.

11:35 - “Even when they’re as beautiful as you.” Ugh. I love this so so so so much. Look at how Dani absolutely lights up at Malcolm’s unintentional compliment. I relate to Dani in the sense that I’m a woman in a male dominated field (engineering). I can’t tell you how often men that she works with have probably objectified her, belittled her, and sexualized her. Malcolm isn’t doing this. He doesn’t call her hot. He doesn’t comment on her body or how she dresses. He doesn’t even acknowledge that she’s a woman. He just calls her beautiful. But he does it in a way that you can tell he’s being genuine. He doesn’t expect anything in return for the compliment. He’s not trying to play the long game. He’s just thinks she’s beautiful. He doesn’t even realize that he said it. BECAUSE Malcolm is in profiler mode. He’s focused on the murder - not Dani. He mentioned that Dani’s beauty off-handedly because 1) he believes it and 2) it was relevant to his profiling train of thought. BUT LOOK AT HOW MUCH IT MEANT TO DANI. <3 <3 <3

12:00 - Why is Chabra exiled to the corner of the room?!?! Someone explain this tomfoolery. Is it literally to just get across that Chabra is not the alpha in this corrupt plastic surgery business?!?

12:16 - Ew. Please never say YOLO. Ever. It’s cringy when kids say it but it’s so so so much worse when someone over 25 says it.

12:18 - hhahahahahahaha OMG. Dani’s face after he says “yolo”.

12:31 - Yep. This dude is an asshole. DO NOT try to convince Malcolm to get plastic surgery. The dude has enough problems without adding dysmorphia to the mix.

12:41 - Yep. Chabra is the little puppy that follows Donahue around and does the grunt work.

12:50 - LOOK AT THE NOD DONAHUE GIVES CHABRA when Chabra denies that stock has gone missing. Can you arrest someone for being a rich, corrupt, asshole?! Ugh. Hate him.

13:20 - Ugh. I really want to know more about Dani’s past. Who in the NYPD tried to belittle, micromanage, or sexualize her just because she’s a woman?

13:30 - “I want Donahue to be the bad guy.” PREACH SISTER.

13:48 - “Easy. We just isolate him with our own alpha males.” hahaha OMG. LET”S GO. I was so pumped when this scene cut to JT and Gil. BUT I was also a little sad. Malcolm doesn’t consider himself to be an alpha male (I mean, he’s not) but it really just drove home to be that Malcolm sees himself as broken. Gil has been Malcolm’s positive male role model for years. But Malcolm doesn’t think he’s anything like Gil. Malcolm thinks he’s broken where Gil is whole, weak where Gil is strong, and bad when Gil is good. It just sort of broke my heart.

14:00 - hahaha Chabra is just a wimp. Watching Gil and JT play angry cop, calm cop was so so so good though. <3

14:05 - This was the moment that I remembered LDP was directing this episode. I’m not usually someone who notices camera work or anything but this was a really cool shot.

15:00 - Oh c’mon. Seriously? Edrisa’s crush has gone too far. She knows he doesn’t like her romantically. Everyone knows it. Please stop this. I’m getting secondhand embarrassment.

15:16 - Did Edrisa think they were going to do it in the morgue?!? Those flowers?!? Like wtf. I can’t.

15:29 - I’ll give props to Malcolm here. He’s being really kind to Edrisa here. BUT HE NEEDS TO TELL HER HE’S NOT INTERESTED BECAUSE SHE’S CLEARLY NOT GETTING THE MESSAGE.

15:33 - Ugh. Look at how uncomfortable Malcolm is. This is upsetting.

16:08 - “What?!? How do you -” Panic. Pure panic in Malcolm’s eyes. Damn. This boy is spiralling. Someone needs to find out about Endicott. Malcolm can’t keep trying to protect Ainsley and Jessica alone. It’s literally killing him.

17:14 - “All she could see was the ugliness she felt inside.” “That’s a sad way to live.” .........the parallels between the plastic surgery, dysmorphia, and vengeful crime of the week to Malcolm’s current mental health and Ainsley’s crime is slowly killing me. I’m honestly getting annoyed that the other characters aren’t picking up on all the subtle references Malcolm’s making to the fact that he thinks he’s a monster. I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO COMFORT HIM. THAT’S ALL. WHY IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK FEDAK!??!

17:30 - Another point to the Dani/Malcolm friendship. She takes out the gun and pushes Malcolm back. Is she trying to protect him? Technically, yes. BUT she’s just doing her job. I love that Malcolm respects Dani enough to let her take charge and do her job. I love that he’s secure enough about his masculinity to let her.

18:15 - Yikes. This woman is 90% plastic. Cosmetic plastic surgery is terrifying.

20:16 - Another reminder of the woman’s ward. Either Sophie Sanders or Ainsley is going to end up in that ward soon (I’m still half-convinced that Sophie is going to appear out of the woodwork and take the fall for Endicott).

21:49 - “...convinced her that she would never have a career unless she looked the part.” <3 Look at how disgusted Gil is when Dani tells him that. Gil is a good man and I love him forever. <3

22:33 - I love this. Dani and Gil are both concerned about Malcolm and communicating it in looks. It won’t be long until there’s a team intervention for Malcolm’s mental health (or at least, that’s my headcanon - if someone wants to write me a fic about it I’ll love you forever).

22:44 - WTF GIL. WHY AREN’T YOU ASKING MALCOLM WHAT’S WRONG?!?! IS IT BECAUSE YOU ALREADY KNOW AND YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO FEEL ABOUT IT YET?!?!

22:49 -.....soooooo does this mean that Gil already knew that Birdie existed?!? How often did Birdie appear after Martin’s arrest?!?! I WANT DETAILS.

23:06 - Holy shit. Look at that little smirk Ainsley shoots Malcolm when he first walks in and sees her. Ainsley is maliciously toying with Malcolm and I DON”T LIKE IT.

23:14 - Jessica is concerned. I promise you Ainsley and Malcolm have rarely - if ever - fought like this in front of her. I was raised in single parent home after my abusive dad left. I know how that changes the sibling dynamic. No matter how genuinely pissed off you are - you don’t stress Mom out more. If you’re just annoyed with each other and doing regular ‘sibling squabbling’ - then you whine and argue in front of Mom. But if you’re seriously angry with each other - you deal with it when Mom isn’t home to see it because no matter what - you both appreciate how hard Mom is working to keep what’s left of your family together.

23:28 - “Malcolm. Looking more like your father every day.” BITCH. Did she just say that because she watched Malcolm go off on Ainsley? Sure, Malcolm was a little controlling (probably similar to a situation Birdie witnessed between Jess and Martin back in the day) but HOLY SHIT. That is your nephew. Maybe he’s having a bad day. Maybe being told he resembles a serial killer is really damaging to his already fragile pysche. I don’t like Birdie. AND I DON”T LIKE THAT JESSICA DOESN”T STAND UP FOR MALCOLM HERE.

24:00 - I don’t like this. These Martin+Capshaw scenes are really hard to watch. Martin is still acting like Martin - manipulative, egotistic, manicA. But he’s also acting like a professional doctor (an asshole doctor but still). It’s really disconcerting to watch Capshaw take his medical opinion seriously. Plus - there’s something about Capshaw that creeps me out. I just haven’t figured out what it is yet. But I’m pretty sure she’s a bad lady.

24:16 - “What bit should I use?” - See this? No. Just...no. I don’t like how she’s taking Martin’s medical advise to heart so readily.

25:04 - Why was Martin allowed to watch the procedure?!? He’s clearly getting a sick amount of pleasure from the blood and drilling. Look at the way Martin grins at Capshaw too. Martin is planning out an entire scheme to manipulate Capshaw into helping him escape. You can see the metaphoric lightbulb above his head.

25:29 - This meal. Seriously. Was I the only one who got a glimpse of the meat in a red sauce and thought “human meat”?!? No wonder Malcolm’s main food group is liquorice.

25:44 - Poor Jessica. She is not having a good time. Jessica’s behaviour in this scene is really interesting though. Jessica repeatedly shoots apologetic looks at Malcolm. She looks at Ainsley with fear. She looks super uncomfortable. She’s not saying much because she desperately wants a relationship with her sister but she also doesn’t want to belittle her son’s career. She’s proud of Malcolm - in her own way.

26:00 - “The family trust fund would run dry.” hahahahaha YES MALCOLM. THROW THAT SHADE. hahahaha

26:23 - “Most of the time anyway” Wow. Uncalled for. I know Ainsley is mad but this isn’t cool. I have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that Birdie has been approached by Europol about the Endicott murder. I have this terrifying notion that Birdie is trying to collect intel so she can sell the information to Europol. If I’m right (which I’m probably not) this comment will not help Malcolm’s case.

26:41 - hahaha look at how annoyed Jessica is. Is she annoyed because her children are openly fighting in front of their Aunt when Jessica wants to portray the “perfect, undamaged family”? Or is Jessica annoyed because what Ainsley just said was out of line and she’s scared of Ainsley right now?

27:02 - “Why would you do that? I told you I would handle everything.” This. This is why I will argue that Ainsley is way out of line. Yes, Malcolm is sort of trying to control her. BUT listen to his words, the desperation and fear in his voice. Malcolm is trying to protect Ainsley. Ainsley has every right to be annoyed with him but if she was functioning at an adult mental capacity she’d be able to see that he isn’t being malicious.

27:35 - The fact that Birdie is a backstabbing, lying bitch is so frustrating to me. Look at how badly Jessica wants to have a healthy relationship with her little sister. Jessica just wants a girl-friend to confide in and drink with. I’m heartbroken that Martin stole that from her.

28:05 - I know LDP was directing this episode but JT or Dani should’ve called Malcolm. Why? This conversation between Gil and Malcolm (WHEN GIL IS WEARING HIS COAT) just makes me wonder - where is Gil going? JT is at Donahue’s apartment. Dani and Malcolm are going to talk to Chabra. Where is Gil going?!?

29:07 - ....how did Donahue get the coke into the cheetah? Was there a release thingy (like in a piggy bank) that Malcolm just elected not to use in the panic of the moment?

29:14 - “What else would you hide in a cheetah?” hahahahahaha

29:40 - “No. No. Only if I got the dose wrong.” Yikes. Malcolm is operating in full panic mode here. This is not good for his mental health.

30:08 - “This is the worst cooking show ever.” hahaha this was hilarious but cooking show? What? Do I not watch enough of those? Because I don’t see the link.

30:38 - The moment when Malcolm looks at Dani with fear. He thinks he just killed Chabra and he’s terrified that Dani is looking at him with hatred. :(

30:46 - The two seconds when Malcolm thinks he killed someone. Look at his face. That boy is broken. Again - if he doesn’t have a full on mental breakdown soon I’m going to be so annoyed with the writers because NO HUMAN CAN WITHSTAND THIS MUCH TRAUMA THIS QUICKLY - WITHOUT ANY EMOTIONAL SUPPORT - AND COME OUT FUNCTIONAL.

31:03 - “I do not miss drugs.” :O Dani :( Sweetie <3 Ugh. This line was heartbreaking because it hurts to remember that Dani had a drug problem. But it’s also really great. She was just in front of 1 gram of cocaine. She didn’t grab for it. It didn’t reawaken the urge to use in her. She was strong enough to say “I don’t miss this life” and say it OUT LOUD in front of Malcolm. <3 Friendship. She’s starting to trust Malcolm more. This is good....until she finds out about Endicott.

31:45 - Wait. If Birdie knew about Endicott and Jessica.....does she know about Gil?!?!

31:49 - “Trust but verify.” That’s such a heartbreaking way to live. I hate that she has to live in a world without trust because of what Martin did. I want Jessica to be happy. So so badly.

32:06 - .....how did Jessica find out about the book?!!?! Seriously.

32:17 - “Mummy”. Mrs. Milton is alive?!?! What. OMG. So....but how? Jessica is living in the Milton family home. Jessica is rich. But Birdie has been cut off from the family money. However, it’s clear from this conversation that Jessica and her mother aren’t on speaking terms. So how did this work? When did Jessica move into the Milton family home and why? Where is Jessica’s money coming from? Did Jessica invest her trust fund money smartly and make a fortune? Does Jessica still have access to the Milton family bank accounts?!? AND WHERE IS JESSICA’S DAD?!!? I WANT MORE INFORMATION FEDAK.

32:49 - Malcolm is his mother’s son. Look at this. Jessica is so hurt by what Birdie has done. However, Jessica sighs, takes a breath and helps her little sister out at the cost of causing herself pain. Malcolm would do the exact same for Ainsley. He has.

33:40 - “And do we need to talk about last night?!?” Gil has been different this season. Less soft. More strict.

33:51 - Look at how Gil stares at Dani here. He’s annoyed and concerned. Concerned because she was in close proximity to drugs last night. Annoyed because he created a monster. Gil put together is badass, sarcastic daughter with his unstable, awkward son and they are creating a headache for him.

34:41 - “even for consultants?” hahaha

36:50 - The irony that our killer of the week is a woman who is in pain, feels disfigured, and murders in revenge is so so thick.

37:18 - “It’s enough to drive anyone insane”.....like the emotional pain that Malcolm is currently suffering from?

38:42 - “The best revenge is letting him live like this.” The moment Malcolm realized that Ainsley was manipulating him. Look at the hurt and fear on his little face. :(

39:00 - Ugh. I can’t tell who’s manipulating who in this whole Capshaw+Martin relationship but it’s all gross. I swear if they become romantic I will puke. These two are a psychopathic match made in heaven.

40:08 - I could write essays upon essays about this final scene but I need to sleep. So it’s going into point form without time stamps:

First off - Halston Sage and Tom Payne give us an AMAZING performance in this scene and they deserve an Emmy for it. Seriously.

Look at how Ainsley walks into the room. She’s self-satisfied. She feels no remorse. She’s pleased that Malcolm has been suffering.

Look at how utterly empty Malcolm is when he greets Ainsley. This boy is in shock. He’s so deeply hurt and he just had one of his greatest fears confirmed - Ainsley is like Martin.

“Do you have any idea what you put me through?!?” This. Yes, Malcolm is upset and hurt but there’s a part of me that genuinely thinks this question isn’t rhetorical. There’s a part of me that thinks Malcolm is desperately trying to get Ainsley to admit to feeling remorse so that he can convince himself that his baby sister isn’t gone forever.

“Do you?” Ainsley is mad. She has a right to be. Malcolm did lie to her. He probably should’ve told her the truth. HOWEVER, if Ainsley was a functional adult - she would’ve just confronted Malcolm about it. She has every right to be pissed but her behaviour has been downright petty, juvenile, and cruel.

“Underestimated me. For months.” Is this the root of Ainsley’s anger? She mentioned something similar in 1x6 when Jessica and Malcolm tried to stop her from visiting Martin. She resents Jessica and Malcolm for treating her like a child. For trying to protect her from Martin. On one hand, I understand - that’s probably suffocating and frustrating. On the other hand, Ainsley’s acting like a child so....why wouldn’t they treat her like one?

“I have given up everything for you!! I don’t even know who I am anymore.” This breaks me. Malcolm is screaming through tears. He’s so utterly broken (this doesn’t count as a mental breakdown Fedak....you better give me more). Malcolm is rightfully frustrated that Ainsley doesn’t acknowledge that he literally threw out his moral code to protect her. That when this gets out - his relationship with his only real friends since he was 10 years old (JT and Dani) will probably want nothing to do with him. Malcolm probably thinks that Gil will abandon him WHEN the Endicott thing comes out. Malcolm has thrown his fragile mental health down the drain to protect Ainsley. He thinks he’s a monster. Yes. Malcolm made the choice to protect Ainsley. Ainsley doesn’t have to be grateful. She doesn’t have to respect his decision. But acknowledging that his decision was made out of love would sure help. Malcolm wanted to be a good big brother so badly that he threw away his sense of self.

“Protect me? Or control me?” Wow. Okay. I get it. Ainsley feels controlled which is bad for someone who likes being in control. But Malcolm was never trying to control Ainsley. Malcolm was trying to control a situation. Not a person. Is what Malcolm did right? No, lying to Ainsley wasn’t a great choice. But telling her the truth also wasn’t a great choice. He was damned either way.

“For someone who spent the last few decades trying to recover from being gaslight; it’s ironic how quickly you resorted to it.” Uncalled for. Was Malcolm gaslighting Ainsley? Technically, yes. HOWEVER, one of the main criteria for gaslighting is that the gaslighter is aware that they’re gaslighting someone. I honestly don’t think Malcolm realized he was gaslighting Ainsley - look at his face when she mentions it: he looks heartbroken. BESIDES. How is AINSLEY NOT GASLIGHTING MALCOLM RIGHT NOW?!?! “That’s exactly what Dad would say.” She’s trying to convince Malcolm that he’s just like Martin. She’s made him believe that she murdered a second person. She made him an accomplice to her fake murder. She knowingly continued with this ruse after he came clean and told her the truth. And he was nothing but supportive and protective. Malcolm helped her hide a body. Why is Ainsley playing the victim?!

Look at the torture on Malcolm’s face right before he apologizes to Ainsley for lying to her. This boy is being gaslight and he doesn’t even realize it.

FURTHERMORE I DON’T RECALL AINSLEY APOLOGIZING TO MALCOLM FOR MAKING HIM 1) HIDE A BODY, 2) LIE TO THEIR MOM, 3) LIE TO GIL, 4) AN ACCOMPLICE TO A SECOND (FAKE) MURDER, 5) LYING TO MALCOLM ABOUT THE SECOND MURDER. She just says, “Maybe it was a little over the top.” Come on. No.

“I appreciate that.” SERIOUSLY. Ainsley doesn’t even have the curtesy to say “I’m sorry too.” or “I know you did what you thought was best”?!? Her response feels bitter and angry. She doesn’t forgive Malcolm. She’s still livid despite the fact that her brother is literally breaking apart in front of her. There’s no questioning the genuineness of Malcolm’s apology. That’s sincere pain and remorse.

This whole scene is super disturbing because Malcolm is on the verge of tears. He’s visibly upset. Yet - Ainsley is channeling a quiet, disassociating anger (similar to what she looked like right before she murdered Endicott). She’s completely consumed by anger. She’s not acting rationally and it’s really disconcerting to watch the contrast between the two siblings.

“I had to make sure that you were never going to mess with my head again.” .....you know, a functional adult human (hell, even a half-functional adult human) would just verbally confront their sibling about it. They probably wouldn’t fully trust or forgive their sibling right away but they wouldn’t pull a stunt as cruel and malicious as Ainsley just pulled on Malcolm. The problem with Ainsley’s behaviour vs. Malcolm’s is this: Ainsley is intentionally hurting Malcolm out of anger. Ainsley wants revenge. Malcolm reacted out of fear and panic to protect Ainsley. Malcolm just wants to be a good big brother. Neither of them are perfectly in the right but Ainsley is so so so out of line.

“You need to lighten up. We got away with it.” Ainsley is a serial killer. Say it from the rooftops. This is the first time she’s shown an emotion other than anger/disassociation all episode. Ainsley is happy that they got away with it. Malcolm is crumpling under the guilt and grief but Ainsley is happy.

“No one does this murder stuff better than us.” Holy shit. I can’t. Malcolm looks so so so heartbroken here. He just realized that his sister is gone forever. AND AINSLEY damn. This girl needs some serious help. She’s going to kill again. She liked it the first time. I bet you she slaughtered the pig just to get her fix. She could’ve boughten the pig’s blood from a butcher shop or something but I bet you she killed the pig herself. And I bet you she liked it.

Hoxley is a flamboyant gay and a cocky profiler. That’s just a fact.

I can’t. Alan Cummings will always be the villain from Spy Kids to me. I don’t know how I’m going to take Hoxley seriously.

Yoooooo Endicott’s head is creepy af.

Damn. This isn’t good. Hoxley is going to ruin Malcolm’s life. I can feel it.

Okay. I loved this episode. I have a lot of feelings about it (obviously). I’m so bitter that we have to wait until April 13th for the next episode. See you guys next time. If you read this far - thanks for hanging out.

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