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pesterloglog · 2 months

Text

Roxy Lalonde, John Egbert, Harry Anderson Egbert, Tavros Crocker, Dave Strider, Jade Harley, Jane Crocker, Gamzee Makara, Jake English, Terezi Pyrope

Candy, page 23

ROXY: honey u ready to go?

JOHN: yeah, sweetheart... give me a second!

HARRY ANDERSON: dad... what are you doing?

JOHN: just getting your gifts, harry anderson! it’s your birthday after all.

HARRY ANDERSON: ...but i already opened all the gifts from you and mom.

HARRY ANDERSON: dad... are you telling a fib?

JOHN: ummm...

JOHN: harry anderson, don’t tell your mother but...

JOHN: we’re getting a new addition to the family today!

TAVROS: Oh,,, hallo folks,

TAVROS: You’re a mite early don’t you think?

JOHN: um, nope!

DAVE: actually

DAVE: you were exactly thirty seconds and like sixty eight nanoseconds early

ROXY: oh eff off dave

ROXY: ur gettin even cornier than john and youre not even a dad

DAVE: idk my guy harry over there seems to be enjoying my material

HARRY ANDERSON: heh heh it’s like you’re a living atomic clock!

DAVE: man i love this kid

DAVE: what kind of five year old is into atomic clocks

DAVE: damn every time i see him i just wanna pinch his cheeks and tell him about what things were like when i was his age and shit

JADE: heheheh if you like kids so much dave why dont you just BUY one?

DAVE: uh jade i know that what you think you were doing there was like

DAVE: smoothly inserting the idea of us one day adopting kids into the conversation

DAVE: but what you actually just described is literal slavery

DAVE: which is both illegal and bad

JADE: sigh......

JADE: maybe YOURE the one whos illegal and bad

JADE: ever think of that???

DAVE: nope never once crossed my mind

DAVE: anyway john roxy you heard the lady can we buy your kid

JOHN: no! he’s not for sale.

TAVROS: Um,,, do you all want to come in or not,,,?

ROXY: sooo

ROXY: wheres ur mom and dad

TAVROS: They’re still in,,, uh,,, auspistice counselling,,,

TAVROS: W, with,,, uncle gamzee,,,

JADE: oh woof

DAVE: woof is right

HARRY ANDERSON: hey tavros! is vriska here?

TAVROS: Er,,,

JOHN: unfortunately, harry anderson, rose and kanaya aren’t on speaking terms with your aunt jane and uncle jake anymore.

HARRY ANDERSON: why not?

ROXY: cuz of the political situation

HARRY ANDERSON: what’s... a political situation?

TAVROS: Mother has been advising the human government that they should do their best to,,, uh,,, exclude trolls from the seats of power in all branches of public service and,,, uh,,, aunts rose and kanaya don’t like it because some of the legislation in the works could,,, erm,,, delegitimize their marriage,,,,,,,

HARRY ANDERSON: um... i have no idea what any of that means, ha ha.

TAVROS: Anyway,,, wh, why would you WANT vriska to be here,,,?

TAVROS: Why ruin a nice birthday party?

HARRY ANDERSON: um duh... cause she’s super fun!

TAVROS: She’s not fun,,, she’s mean,,,,

HARRY ANDERSON: yeah, to you, cause you’re a wuss.

ROXY: harry anderson egbert!

JOHN: don’t call other kids wusses!

DAVE: hey whats even wrong with being a wuss

DAVE: harry my dude you need to unplug from toxic masculinity

HARRY ANDERSON: from... what?

DAVE: what have you been teaching this kid

JOHN: dave, sometimes i really can’t believe this is the adult you chose to become.

ROXY: its actually great isnt it

JOHN: yeah, i guess so...

JANE: You are such an unbelievable dunce, Jake English!

JANE: I can’t believe that I work so hard and have to come home to your feckless tomfoolery every day!

JANE: My goodness...

JANE: What gives you the right to talk to me that way?

JANE: And you’re not even... you’re not even proficient in bed anymore!

JANE: What is even the POINT of you if...

GAMZEE: HeY hEy.

GAMZEE: cAlM yOuR tItS bAbY.

JANE: SILENCE, CLOWN.

TAVROS: It’s fine,,, my parents are kismeses after all,,,

JANE: Oh. Hello everyone.

JANE: I’m sorry that I was not able to greet you at the door. I had some pre-appointed business to attend to.

JANE: I trust that Tavros led you all inside without trouble?

TAVROS: Yes ma’am,,,

JANE: Good boy.

JANE: Harry Anderson, my dear!

HARRY ANDERSON: auntie jane!

JANE: Look at you! You’ve gotten so big and strong since I last saw you!

HARRY ANDERSON: i grew a whole three inches!

JANE: Yes, I can see that. You’re going to be quite the strapping young man before we know it.

JANE: Since it’s your first milestone birthday, I’ve instructed my staff that you are to be spoiled like a little prince today!

JANE: Right now they’re finishing off your cake. It’s a recipe I invented just for you!

HARRY ANDERSON: gosh!

JANE: And I’ve got your present all wrapped up too!

JANE: It’s too big to keep in the house, however, so after cake and tea we’ll go see it in the backyard.

HARRY ANDERSON: you’re the best, auntie jane!

JOHN: oh no...

JOHN: jane. please don’t tell me you commissioned one of those drone thingies for my son.

JANE: And if I did, John, what would be the problem with that?

JOHN: um...

JANE: Are you saying that you don’t want to assure your son’s safety? In troubled times such as these, one can never be too careful.

JOHN: roxy, back me up here honey.

JOHN: there’s no way you’d be ok with that, right?

ROXY: er

ROXY: well i cant say im comfy with it but

JOHN: but???

ROXY: janey means well john and itd be rude to just refuse a gift from my bestie like that

ROXY: besides ur just ASSUMIN she got harry anderson an imperial drone

ROXY: she never said that was what it was

ROXY: did u jane

JANE: ...

JOHN: ok. fine. you know what?

JOHN: i don’t care.

ROXY: rly

JOHN: yeah! it’s... it’s whatever. i get it. jane’s just trying to show that she cares.

JANE: You know I do adore little Harry Anderson.

JOHN: what i DO care about, however, is that cake.

JOHN: and not eating it, i mean.

JANE: Excuse me?

JOHN: nothing personal, jane, it’s just that i’m not the biggest fan of cakes.

JOHN: instead, i was wondering if maybe i could go visit the trophy room? you know, the one where jake keeps all the memorabilia from that dumb show he used to be on?

JANE: You mean “Poppin n’ Hoppin’ Pistol Lockin’ With Jake English”?

JOHN: no.

ROXY: or do u mean “doing the charleston with notable social figureheads: stars versus enemies of the state with your host jake english”

DAVE: that ones still running isnt it

JANE: Unfortunately, yes.

JOHN: um, yeah... that’s DEFINITELY not the one i was talking about.

JADE: oh! you probably mean “afternoon gilly gaffy amongst the common folk with your host j. gishy gun mcgee”

JOHN: no, god! these all sound so bad.

JOHN: i mean the one with dirk!

DAVE: dude

JANE: You mean the classic prime time program, “Rumble in da Pumpkin Patch”?

JOHN: yeah! that one!

JADE: ew... why do you wanna go look at stuff from rumble in da pumpkin patch???

JOHN: why not?

JADE: i dunno, it just seems kind of morbid with dirk dead and all, dont you think?

JADE: also that show was REALLY gross

JADE: i support jake in whatever he does but it was so... so.....

DAVE: sweaty

JADE: yeah!

JOHN: i dunno. i just feel like it was an important cultural milestone, and i missed it all by being mopey and depressed for like five years straight.

JOHN: so what do you think, tavros? wanna show me all about your dad’s glory days?

JANE: Oh, I can take you there, John.

JOHN: NO!

JOHN: i mean... no, that’s fine.

JOHN: i’d like some time to get to know my nephew.

JOHN: or, uh... cousin?

JOHN: ecto brother?

JADE: omg dave i just realized that when we get married thatll make john and rose siblings in law

JADE: which is funny since i guess john is technically already your father in law

DAVE: yup thats totally what our friendgroup needs

DAVE: to be even more incestuous

HARRY ANDERSON: what does incestuous mean?

ROXY: it means that everyones rly good friends harry anderson

ROXY: just a dumb fancy word for bffs

ROXY: its a big hard word for grownups tho so feel free to unknow it now sweetie

DAVE: oh yeah

DAVE: thats totally it

TAVROS: Um,,,,,

JOHN: hey tavros.

JOHN: let’s go, buddy!

TAVROS: Uncle john,,, what’s the real reason we’re up here,,,?

JOHN: oh. i could see that you were getting uncomfortable.

JOHN: you don’t like being around big crowds like that, do you?

TAVROS: ,,,

JOHN: but you don’t like to be alone, either?

TAVROS: ,,,,,

JOHN: well, not in this house at least. i wouldn’t want to be alone here either. it’s not a very nice place to live, is it?

TAVROS: I’m,,,, uh,,,, not sure i understand your meaning, uncle john.

JOHN: here, come with me.

TAVROS: This isn’t the right way,

JOHN: i know. hey tavros, why don’t we just go to your room for a minute?

TAVROS: Oh,,,

JOHN: tavros...

JOHN: is everything ok?

TAVROS: ,,,

TAVROS: Yes, uncle john,,,

TAVROS: Why do you ask?

JOHN: you just seem...

JOHN: i don’t know.

JOHN: sad?

TAVROS: I feel okay,

TAVROS: It is a happy day, after all,,, it’s harry anderson’s birthday,,,

TAVROS: There is good reason to be happy,

JOHN: yeah.

JOHN: but what about YOU.

JOHN: are you ACTUALLY happy about it?

JOHN: about... everything going on here?

TAVROS: I suppose,,,

TAVROS: My mother tends to get displeased when i’m unhappy, so,,,

JOHN: sigh.

JOHN: tavros... does gamzee ever come into your room?

TAVROS: Possibly,,,?

TAVROS: He so often is found to be in,,, so many places,,,

JOHN: isn’t that his faygo there??

TAVROS: Oh,,, my, no,

TAVROS: Please, uncle john,,, don’t tell my mother,,,

JOHN: tell her what??

TAVROS: The faygo is mine,,, my uncle gives it to me sometimes,,, my mother strictly forbids it, of course,,,,,

JOHN: tavros, listen to me.

JOHN: are you... getting... bad touched by your uncle gamzee?

TAVROS: Oh,,, uh,,,,

TAVROS: No??

TAVROS: But, yes,,, i can gather how you might draw that conclusion,,,

JOHN: you can?

JOHN: why?

TAVROS: It just seems like a thing that would eventually happen to me, does it not?

JOHN: what would make you say that?

TAVROS: Well, i think,,,

TAVROS: For the same reason that led you yourself to wonder, uncle john?

TAVROS: He is a very,,, very bad clown uncle,,, but i think i am not allowed to say or think such a thing,,,,,

JOHN: why not?

TAVROS: Because,,, uncle gamzee has undertaken his redemption arc,,,

TAVROS: With a spirit of great sincerity, i’ve been told,,,

TAVROS: So,,,,, the truth is, no matter how i may feel about him,

TAVROS: Mother tells me that he is not actually bad,

TAVROS: And therefore,,, anything he does cannot truly be considered bad either,

TAVROS: Otherwise, we are not respecting his repentance,

TAVROS: Or the others he has saved,,,

TAVROS: I don’t want you to worry,,, too much, though,

TAVROS: His occasional sojourns in my room are not of any especially ill intent,,, i don’t think,

TAVROS: He has told me in confidence that his intention is to train me,,,,,

JOHN: TRAIN you???

TAVROS: Yes,

TAVROS: In matters of combat,,, philosophy,,, life,,, love,,,

TAVROS: I suppose to behave the way a mentor does, as he sees it,,,

JOHN: that’s IT!!!!!

JOHN: tavros, start packing right now.

TAVROS: Packing,,,?

JOHN: yeah. one bag with some of your clothes, your favorite toys and books, that kind of thing.

TAVROS: I don’t understand,,,

JOHN: tavros. i have to get you out of here.

JOHN: *NOW*.

TAVROS: Uh,,, what?

JOHN: i’m going to take you away so that you can live with me, harry anderson, and your aunt roxy.

JOHN: you wouldn’t have to live here anymore. no more being alone all the time.

JOHN: no more weird troll maids, or listening to your parents fight...

JOHN: and no more “uncle” fucking GAMZEE.

TAVROS: That does sound jolly good uncle john,,,

JOHN: then what are you waiting for? start packing!

TAVROS: Well,,, i would, except that we can’t go out without tripping the security,,,

TAVROS: Mother has taken great precautions to make sure i never,,,,,,,

JOHN: don’t worry, kid. i came prepared.

JOHN: we’re leaving through that window, one way or another.

JADE: john...... what are you doing?

JOHN: um...

JOHN: nothing!

JOHN: just, uh... fixing this damn broken window, is all.

JADE: i heard everything

JOHN: so, what are you going to do?

JOHN: tell jane?

JADE: john...

JADE: i wouldnt do that to you

JADE: youd probably end up on jakes stupid execution dance off show

JOHN: then are you gonna help me?

JADE: i cant do that either

JADE: you know that this is just going to make everything worse right???

JOHN: jade, i don’t know where you’ve been these past few years, but i don’t think things CAN get any worse!

JOHN: i mean, even today, jane was up here hollering at jake about how his dick doesn’t work right when she KNEW we were all waiting for them downstairs!

JADE: i know...

JADE: but all youre going to do by kidnapping him is piss everyone off

TAVROS: Excuse me dearest aunt but,,, is it kidnapping if i badly would like to go?

JOHN: see!

JADE: siiiiiigh

JADE: i understand where youre coming from but i dont think youve actually thought this through

JOHN: yes i have, because i’ve been planning it for years.

JOHN: i know that i’ve been pretty, um... flakey in the past?

JOHN: but this is really important. i know what i’m doing.

JADE: john, jane is one of the most POWERFUL people on the ENTIRE PLANET!!!

JADE: do you REALLY think that you can keep him away from her if she wants to get him back???

JADE: im sorry but you just dont know them like i do

JOHN: if you know them so well, jade...

JOHN: then you know why i have to do this.

JADE: im on your side here! i know that jane hasnt been the best parent...

JADE: but stealing somebodys child???

JADE: there has to be another way :/

JOHN: if there was another way we would have found it by now!!!

JOHN: but there isn’t one, because everyone’s been all... brainwashed by marriage, or whatever the hell happened over the last few years that made things be this way!

JOHN: it’s like everyone just talks past each other all the time!

JADE: john...

JOHN: i’m the only one who ever seems to realize that something...

JOHN: that something’s WRONG!

TAVROS: I would really be chuffed if the two of you,,,

JOHN: even you, jade!

JOHN: you’re not listening to me right now!

TAVROS: ,,,would stop quarreling and listen to me for a spell,,,

JOHN: that’s why karkat left!

JOHN: because you didn’t listen to him!

JOHN: just like you don’t listen to dave!

JADE: what the fuck, john?!

JADE: this isnt about me and dave

JOHN: yes it is!

JOHN: i mean, not directly, but cosmically, yeah it is!

JADE: cosmically?????

JOHN: you KNEW that dave and karkat were in love with each other, but you went ahead and totally messed with their relationship anyway!

JADE: wh... what!

JOHN: jade, don’t pretend you have no idea what happened.

JADE: i.... i cant believe.....

JADE: john thats such a low blow!

JADE: you dont know the first thing about me and daves relationship!!!

JOHN: i know more than you think i do!

JOHN: i know that you pressured them into that whole relationship.

JOHN: i know that they both hated it, and only went along with it because they care about you and felt obligated!

JOHN: and jade, i love you, but honestly, how does that make you any different than jane?

JADE: im nothing like her!!!

JOHN: well, you’re nothing like the jade i used to know either!

JOHN: the jade i used to know was caring and selfless! all you ever wanted was for your friends to be safe!

JOHN: you weren’t this... this SELFISH!

JADE: oh? is that what this is about john??

JADE: you dont like it now that im not some helpless princess in a tower anymore???

JADE: you dont like that im doing things for MYSELF now?????

JOHN: what the hell are you talking about?

JOHN: seriously, jade... i don’t even know who you are anymore!

JADE: well!!!

JADE: i can certainly say the same for you right now!!!!!

TAVROS: Aunt jade,,, uncle john,,, you should really, uh,,,,,,

JANE: Excuse me.

JANE: But what the FUCK is going on in here?!

TAVROS: Oh,,, no,,,,,

JADE: jane!! haha!!!

JADE: we were just

JANE: Hollering at each other so loudly that everyone in the darned house can hear you?

JOHN: oh, like you’re one to talk.

JANE: John, I know that we have not been as close in recent years as we were in the past, but I would like to think that at the very least our familial relationship would make it so that you felt you could talk to me face to face if you think that my method of parenting is insufficient.

JOHN: are you sure?

JOHN: do you really want to know what i think?

JADE: oh no........

JANE: Please, John. Illuminate me.

ROXY: wats going on

DAVE: oh shit

JOHN: i don’t know, jane. i feel like if i really speak my mind here, it might be dangerous.

JOHN: how do i know you won’t have the secret police come and arrest me in the night?

JANE: Excuse me?

JOHN: that’s where this is all going, right?

JOHN: your whole... thing with the trolls?

JANE: If you have something to say, then say it plainly, John.

JOHN: fine.

JOHN: i don’t think that you had bad intentions to start out with, jane.

JOHN: in fact, i think that you probably honestly thought that you were doing what was best for the world.

JOHN: you’ve always been a perfectionist, right? but over the last few years you’ve morphed into a complete control freak!

JOHN: and it all started with your relationship with jake.

JOHN: you forced him into a relationship when dirk’s corpse wasn’t even cold!

JAKE: (Er i would like to point out... )

JANE: I’m sorry, but you’re calling me a control freak? Dirk was the control freak.

JANE: After he died, I distinctly remember loosening up, in fact!

JANE: I let go! I was actually RELIEVED to hear he died!!!

ROXY: uhh

ROXY: janey wut

JANE: Okay, that was a misleading statement. What I really meant was—

JOHN: jane, you’re missing the point!

JAKE: (...that jane and i were involved in a romantic dalliance at the time of his death...)

JOHN: dirk is dead. this isn’t about him anymore.

JOHN: you’re the one cheering the government along as it marches toward genocide!

JANE: John, I hardly think you’re qualified to opine on the nuances of the current political situation, thank you very much.

JOHN: ha! is that how you talk to your husband too?

JANE: He’s actually, at the moment, my kismesis. And if Jake didn’t want any of this, he shouldn’t have knocked me up.

JAKE: Hello chaps i am right here.

JOHN: oh yeah, like that was suuuch an accident.

JOHN: can you honestly say that he wanted any of this!

DAVE: oh my god i am so sick of all this domestic relationship shit every fucking day

DAVE: can we talk about something else for once

JOHN: yeah dave, i’m sick of it too!

JOHN: that’s my point!!!

DAVE: ok

DAVE: then john can you just

DAVE: stop all this windy shit at least

JOHN: no! i can’t!

JOHN: i can’t stop, because i’m not the problem!

JANE: Are you saying that I’m the problem? That’s extremely reductive.

JOHN: ok, yeah, there are lots of problems!

JOHN: but i’ve got to say, jane, you kind of ARE the problem?

JOHN: a lot of this awful garbage revolves around you!

JOHN: you’re the one always selling everybody on gamzee’s “redemption arc,” which is TOTAL BULLSHIT!

JOHN: putting him on billboards, organizing “redemption rallies,” and, and...

JANE: John, the people need something to believe in, if we are to live in an organized society. You simply wouldn’t understand.

JOHN: and letting him... letting him sleep in your and jake’s bed!

JOHN: and feeding him that... that weird MILK all the time!

JOHN: UGH!!!

JANE: Hey! My relationship with my loyal auspistice is none of your business, let alone who it is I decide to share a bed with.

JOHN: isn’t it?!

JOHN: you sure go out of your way to shove it in everyone’s face!

JANE: John, that is just uncalled for.

JOHN: it’s bullshit, jane!

JOHN: it’s!

JOHN: all!

JOHN: BULLSHIT!!!!!

JOHN: i... i...

JOHN: i’m sor—

JANE: No one wants to hear it, John.

TEREZI: JOHN

TEREZI: 4R3 YOU TH3R3

TEREZI: 1 R34LLY N33D TO T4LK TO SOM3ON3 R1GHT NOW

JOHN: yeah. me too.

#homestuck #homestuck epilogues #roxy lalonde #john egbert #harry anderson egbert #tavros crocker #dave strider #jade harley #jane crocker #gamzee makara #jake english #terezi pyrope #candy epilogue #page 23

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