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agentmmayy · 4 months

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2023 monthly music rotation

it's been a hot minute since i've made one of these, but here are all my favorite songs from each month of 2023!

january:

one i wanna be with - trella: oh bop!!!!!!!!!!! this ENTIRE SONG just makes me so happy!!!!!!! it’s so full of love!!! every lyric hits but especially i can’t help but wish we met before we did.

february:

antiques - holden laurence: god the desperation in this makes me want to claw my chest open and rip my heart out. the beat fucks in this jaunty rhythm that’s such a juxtaposition to the haunting lyrics and vocals. then the bridge?????? i promise to be strong i promise to believe in love that lingers on i’ll see you in my dreams. I’M CALLING THE POLICE. this is a tess/joel song. not only because of how apocalyptic this feels (which is a whole other discussion) but also meet me in the space between all the words unsaid when we could not speak meet me i’ll be waiting for you there. thanks for coming to my ted talk.

march:

borderline - tove lo: HOT. listen. everything tove lo writes and sings is inherently sexy i don't make the rules. this one especially wtf!!!!!!

unrequited night - lily kershaw: i- please respect my privacy at this time. this is a masterpiece. immediately a song i listened to laying in bed staring up at the ceiling. VERY tlou coded. (but then again every song i listened to in feb/march and lbr this past year was) AND THE GASP AT THE END GETS ME EVERY TIME.

april:

flowers in my hair - calista garcia: sweet, slow, and syrupy. i love this song and how it feels like a breath of fresh air. it’s achingly romantic and has got me singing along and twirling my hair and kicking my feet. though, at the same time it’s so intimate i feel like i’m intruding.

labor - paris paloma: the intensity of it still continues to blow my mind. it’s unapologetic and awful. it’s incredible. i felt every lyric in my gut. i don’t want to over explain it since i can’t do the song justice but it’s so brutally honest in describing and dismantling traditional roles placed upon women and girls. the entirety of it is like poking at a wound that never closes, a wound that’s been gaping and bleeding for centuries and it makes me so angry. the visceral reaction i had to the lyric ‘if we had a daughter’ girl i- ouuuuugh. i got sick to my stomach. i was screaming crying throwing up etc etc. anyway this song is a masterpiece. still haven’t recovered from it. also it’s a fucking bop.

may:

‘i’m just learning how to make peace with feeling small’ ‘but i might drive off if it gets too hard’ ‘there’s always a sunset that i wanna run into’ ‘i’m searching but i’m not lost’ and my all time favorite lyric that put me on the floor when i heard it the first time- ‘i’m a growing tree a few missing leaves i can’t shelter you don’t sit under me’ HELLO?????

vagabond - overcoats: THIS song. this song has been the one i played the most in may because one it’s an absolute banger and second of all it read me for filth and the lyrics are so beautifully crafted and honest and pure and delivered impeccably. it’s a sweet, slow melody and coupled with the lyrics it reached into the depths of my soul and pulled out everything i can’t say and put it into this song like.

fireworks - JOSEPH: now for ANOTHER song that read me for filth. lately i’ve been feeling this exact way since all my friends and people around me have reached certain milestones in life- such as getting married, settling down, etc- that i haven’t and i’m left even more alone and bereft. but THIS SONG said that’s okay!!!!!!!! this song understood!!!!!! it said i’m not alone feeling this way!!!!

every lyric absolutely sent me through the roof but these especially: ‘all these long songs might be no good for me’ ‘how long will i wait to be happy all my friends ask me’ ‘what if i’m wrong wrong to think there’s more to this story’ ‘an act of faith even though it hurts to shut that door am i holding out forever?’ ‘am i headstrong or foolish every night waiting for lighting to strike whole you’ve got blue skies?’ and my favorite- ‘i wish i could just flip a switch and accept your kind of muted bliss’ WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! once again HOW did they put it into words!!!!!! this song has such a special place in my heart. i can’t tell you how many times i’ve not only listened to it but also screamed along and cried to it

also, JOSEPH always creates the most compelling and just fun to listen to songs and this is no exception!!!!!!!!! the harmonies are delicious and the music dropping at certain points is incredible and the beat has me dancing around the room. filed right under beach music!

moonlight - madison rose: i wore this song into the ground!!!!! AMAZING beat and vibe. liberating rejuvenating sexy etc etc.

june:

cowboy take me away - the chicks: me personally!!!!! my favorite version of cowboy take me away. i DO wanna touch the earth and break it in my hands but i ESPECIALLY wanna look at the horizon and not see a building standing tall!!!!!!!!! every summer is cowgirl summer but this song just turned the dial to the max. never have i ever wanted a cowgirl summer more.

july:

satellites - emi larraud: this one was interesting! VERY 80s themed. it's funky. it's powerful. it's just groovy.

august:

wicked game - ursine vulpine, annica: alright i'm a sucker for these intense ballads especially when they remind me of the 100 but seriously. it's sensuous. it's an experience. the vocals are out of this world.

pretty boy - LEON: of course i had to put a LEON song on here. while this isn't my favorite of hers it was just so nice to get a new song from her again. i felt like a wilting flower getting watered. to no one's surprise it's a bop and delivers lines that absolutely wreck me such as you can't outrun getting old, that hidden place where hope lives, well that's the last it goes. ma'am!!!

september:

moonburn - dani sylvia: feeling very seen rn thank you!!!!!!!! literally spongebob leaning against rock.jpg every time i listen. it's- ough. this song has layers and i am peeling them back like an onion. when does the healing start if you leave before daylight. saying SO much in one line!!!!!!! it's the inversion of the typical light vs dark trope for me! and the chorus is immaculate.

super graphic ultra modern girl - chappell roan: chappell hit it out of the park with her first album and THIS SONG SPECIFICALLY. the absolute journey @152glasslippers and i went on listening to this... especially at 22 seconds in. WHEW. super graphic ultra modern girl IS THAT GIRL!!!!!!! SHE IS THE MOMENT!!!!!

october:

honest mistake - bears den: screaming shaking crying throwing up etc etc. bears den always writes songs that lift me by my ankles and shake me until every humiliatingly private thought comes tumbling out in the lyrics of their songs. also i love how consistent they are with the aesthetics and formality of their songs. it's very soothing while ripping me up inside.

mars - noelle: listened to this 60 times in a day. you don't understand i found this song 10/17 and spotify stopped tracking 10/31 and it was my most listened to song of the year. it's dreamy. it's sweet. the vocals are stunning and the music is fantastic.

heart to heart - now more than ever: banger. when that beat dropped i was shook!!!!!!!!!! it's a very early 2000s emo vibe but also delightfully contemporary? the vibes are there. oh and the lyrics and the way they're sung is amazingly bittersweet.

november:

swimming pool - jack kane: one of my favorites of the whole year. if spotify didn't stop tracking before november this would have been my top song. it is 100000% a slow sad groove bop. every time i listen maybe not physically but spiritually i am girl at table.jpg. formally this song is delicious and lyrically it is devastating.

december:

scorpions - distance sprinter : okay this one might be a contender for top song. impeccable. there's crack in this. the beat is OUTSTANDING. i literally can't play this in the car if i'm driving because i will start dancing. the vibes are off the charts. at no point in this song do you expect what's next. the lyrics are heartbreaking and beautiful. there's so much i can say about this song but i am gnawing on the words it's just so good.

TOP SONGS OF THE YEAR: these have 5 stars. to me. 6 stars even.

antiques - holden laurence

unrequited night - lily kershaw

vagabond - overcoats

fireworks - JOSEPH

moonburn - dani sylvia

swimming pool - jack kane

scorpions - distance sprinter

#monthly music rotation #this is my true spotify wrapped #for further information: these are all songs i found in those months that were new songs to me!#they might not have been songs i listened to the most #just new songs that were my favorites out of the new ones i found #the top list are songs i LOVE. absolute bangers. 10/10 no notes #monthly music roundup #2023 in music

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seahdalune · 4 months

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Seana's 2023 art highlights

(surprisingly, not a reupload this time!)

January: i drew nothing! we're off to a great start.

February: i drew something! i love Champ even if i haven't drawn anything tf2 related since April. i think it was this piece where i decided to give Champ RED coloring. [link]

also, this is the month i made my second Moldy plush.... i wasn't very happy with this one, though. [link]

March: uhhhh. more of my tf2 ocs but i think those aren't that interesting. just go to my tf2 oc blog @brokenbrainstormbulb if you wanna see them honestly, i have an image limit to keep ffs. that said, this was around the time i got into TC2, so i drew a lot of that kind of stuff... i'm never drawing stuff for it ever again, sorry. [link]

April: look at the cool thing i drew for a fellow tf2 robot fan! now, this is the point in time where i start drawing more because of a certain interest, so look forward to all the art that'll come up here.....

May: wow, this really was my first public piece of Papa Louie art, huh. i was so proud of it when i showed it off on tumblr the first time... i don't like it as much anymore. for one, the office wall color is wrong.... i still can't believe Papa Louie was what got me out of art block, but god, i'm glad it did. i don't think i've drawn this much before, and even though the community's tiny, i'm glad to give back as much as i can. anyways, i said something like "it's so funny that people think they're either super married or divorced as hell" on the same post. i still think that, and it's defos funny as hell, but i've grown a kind of appreciation towards the ship as well. like yeah, you go girls, we love that extra slow burn with so many road bumps on the way! [link]

June: how the hell did i pump this out. this was also like a few days before i had to leave for the airport too... i don't know myself sometimes. i swear i still love Boigashipping! i just... i'm just busy with other ships okkkk [link]

July: i didn't draw anything...? i was in Bali. and i was busy selling adopt designs to draw anything substantial, oopsie! actually, i DID draw the first part of WDB... it's uh, still the only part. i'm sorry!!!! i'm sorry!!!! i swear i have the whole thing outlined!!! can you just give me anons about the story instead so you won't have to wonder what comes next!! [link]

August: TOSI fixation. it had not gone past it's conceptual stage, i must note. i do wish i would do something about it though. [link]

September: the art trade i did with my friend! actually, i was a few weeks late with my part, so it was supposed to be finished by August. oops. i like the textures tbh. my Chuseok drawings.... i need to draw more characters in hanbok, hee hee. [link]

October: (breaths in) ...this is the month i finally gave into the JoGotcha wantings. LOOK. ever since someone put the idea into my brain i couldn't get enough of it, and like,, nobody draws the ship anymore so i had to take matters into my own hands. this is the first ship i'm this obsessed with. i usually leave ship stuff to other people but this time that wasn't enough and i... i had to do SOMETHING, y'know? [link]

Cringetober? who's that? haha;; i stopped feeling like doing the whole list after less than a week. impressive.

November: oh look, Plushy Power League. Quinn didn't win, but i do like the thing i drew as propaganda, so whateves. the first Papa Louie character i ever drew (minus Chuck and Taylor)... did i change how i draw her? uhh. maybe? i'm not too sure. [link]

also look! the keychain drawing... i need to talk about my Gods and Monsters au again at some point. actually, since i last uploaded the image of my keychain, i revised it tons... it's kinda different now, and i defos think it looks better. this is actually the time i finally fixed the stupid display setting thing that was really messing up my coloring! [link 1] [link 2]

December: ...oops! tablet broke. and i got my 3ds back so i just didn't draw that much even after exams were over. didn't stop me from drawing though, and in fact i think i made something pretty neat with my christmas art.... even if it did come one day late. [link]

wow. that's a whole year of stuff... and that's defos a lot! i think i'm really happy with what i drew this year.... i don't know what was in my water the last few years but my art highlights felt really.... miserable? for some reason. i mean, yeah, i didn't do a lot of what i had planned (GOE ANIMATIC IM SORRY) but i can see that i've done just as much with my hands anyways, so like, who cares? plus, i always have next year... that's coming in 3 hours, oh god- so, maybe i won't be too hard on myself for not fulfilling my goals... like, i kinda glossed over it, but i did sell my designs for money, and that's like, really impressive! so many people around me buy and sell their art stuff already, so i guess i didn't really register it as something to be proud of... but doing that shit (making, and marketing) is hard!! so like, it's a wow moment for me!

anyways, i'm tired, i only came back home a few hours ago, and i need to get up again for church in a few hours.... mrphgdjd. lets stop being sentimental, and i'll see you people next year. that's a long way off! hope you don't miss me.

#dalune recap #dalune recap 2023

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wonderlandleighleigh · 2 years

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Just read through Fashionable People for the 8th time and can’t get enough! Maybe another version of “struggling Midge makes Lenny want to get clean to be there for her”. Maybe after some time apart after Carnegie Hall?

(Thank you for reading! I very much enjoy writing that series, though ideas for it have been slow lately)

(warning for drug stuff)

It's been one month since Carnegie Hall, and in that month, things have felt...

Different.

The high feels different now, when he uses. What was once mindless, numb, pleasant high, just feels shameful now.

Looking at the needle just makes him feel nauseous.

Because all he thinks about when he sees it now is Midge's face before he'd left her in the bathroom of that very blue hotel room with a promise of "all is well."

The look on her face in that moment had gone from confused to "holy shit, how much crazy did I just fuck?"

And he had never wanted to be that to her.

He had never meant to

Never wanted to be "that one guy who was handsome and a great lay but ultimately just too fucking nuts."

He is too fucking nuts, but that's besides the point.

The point is.

No.

He has no idea what the point is but the point is...

Not using makes him sick.

And using makes him sick.

And so now he just can't fucking win.

There is no winning with this shit so if using makes him sick and not using makes him sick he might as well just get fucking clean.

So he spends most of January holed up in his apartment, puking and shitting and shaking and he tried to punch a hole in the wall once but he just wound up puking again.

And February roles around, and he's not all the way better, but he's certainly not where he was. There are no little black bags in his apartment. He joneses, sure, but it's not in the same way. It's not desperate. It's not

It's different.

And now it's been multiple months since he's spoken to Midge and she has no doubt moved on from his crap by now. She's too beautiful and smart and funny not to have, and when he wasn't passed out from withdrawal exhaustion, he catches the Gordon Ford Show and so he knows she's working.

And amazing.

And he knows it's too late.

He knows.

But he tries anyways, because he has nothing to really lose at this point.

So he stops by the florist on the way to see his lawyers, and picks out something pink and pays for it to be sent to her apartment with a note.

Dear Upper West Side -

I'm sorry about the radio silence. I'd like to explain. Meet me at the Gaslight for a coffee tomorrow night?

-Lenny

He takes a breath, pays, thanks the clerk and heads off.

#fic #au #tmmm #Midge/Lenny #Midge x Lenny

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faeirtopia · 2 months

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Hi Mimi!!! 💖💖💖

I'm probably overreacting but i miss you haha.. have sunflowers!! 🌻🌻🌻

How are you doing? I'm starting to feel that 2024 is super slow, especially january! I'm glad february is atleast in an enjoyable pace, or is it just me lol? Since the month is ending, i hope you have a really great february! 💐💐

I'm so close to my period, and it just wont come out which makes my mood drop down to zero 🧎🏻‍♀️ It's such an interesting situation, if i don't get my period quick i'll be having a bad pms, but if i do get my period my mood is better but at the same time i can't get out of bed for 3 days straight 🥴🥴 I decided i will study Japanese! It's just i haven't really found the right time and i honestly don't know where to start too, can't believe i got like tons of math questions to do as a requirement to join the test, now i'm just wondering when will i get the right time to study language lol, (please warn me if i talk too much 😭 its quite unbearable sometimes) I usually struggle with being consistent, my duolingo widget is having a meltdown everyday because i just wont do my beginner french courses i impulsively did like 3 am a few months ago 😭 Do you have any tips to fight that habit?

I hope you don't get bored of me asking about Shohei, but if you do please tell me! 💖💖 You know, i quite noticed about his relationship with food. Like him eating crepes & cakes, mentioning alot of in n outs, and saying he could eat 40 wings!? Do you think he's a foodie? If so that would be such a dream come true since i always want to try everything but ended up only taking a bite before dumping it away, he would be my personal left-over finisher if so 😭😭 Whats your thoughts, Mimi? Thank you and love you in advance!! 💖💕💕

I'm so sorry i ended up typing alot of things hahah.. I hope you're there healthy and well, have a good day always Mikaaa! 💗💗💗

- 🍮

hi lovely! you’re so sweet 🥺 thank you so much for the flowers! I love them.. here have some strawberries! 🍓

oh my gosh.. I feel like it’s going by so quickly. I remember it being september and I was crying about how baseball was over now it’s back already! so quickly and the months are flying by but that’s just me. thank you I hope you have one as well 🤍 you deserve all the positivity there is!

oh no :( icky periods! I hope it’ll end quickly for you and you won’t have too much pain this time around. that’s so annoying! it should be illegal that we have periods lol study it when you have the time! don’t pressure yourself or be too hard on yourself okay? focus on more important things right now. studying a language takes a lot of time and effort but I believe in you and know you’ll do great when you do start. you don’t talk too much it’s okay! I enjoy you talking to me and feeling comfortable! uh oh not duolingo 😂 there’s a horror game out I think about that bird and how he’ll come attack you which is very funny to me lol. oh gosh.. I’m not sure if I have tips because I’m the same way! I do a lot of procrastination! which is not good and a very long word.. I have no idea how to say it either haha.

please keep asking about shohei! I love it and I love answering the questions. I would love more questions about shohei and I’ll happily answer ☺️ so I think yes! I think he’s a huge foodie. watching him as a teen myself I saw how he always spoke about food in such a way.. like loving(?) lol so I feel his relationship with food is great and he loves it. I think he can eat a lot because he’s such a big man! big men can put some food away lol I don’t know how it’s done! I definitely couldn’t but anyway he’s definitely a major foodie which is really cute to me! I think watching him eat would be cute (that sounds so weird omg😭) please don’t apologize! I enjoy these asks and you talking. I’m always here for you all and want everyone to feel comfortable! much love to you anon, you’re precious 🤍

#🍮 anon

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the-kaedageist · 4 months

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I'm inconsistent in terms of reflecting on my writing habits, but after such a difficult year, I felt as though it was time. I've been surprised at how much exhaustion, burnout, and war has sapped my creativity and my ability to write, even though it makes total sense. I've been trying to be patient with myself anyway. In accounting for these last couple days of 2023, I've also been trying to appreciate the writing that I did accomplish in the last year.

Regrets

I really had hoped to finish posting the Tusk Love sequel this year, and alas that has not borne fruit, although I am still chugging along on revisions! Hurrah! It's somewhat disheartening, though, when the majority of it was written in February 2022, literally right up until the day the full-scale invasion began. I'm still stuck in the middle of edits for the next chapter - I last opened it in the Dublin airport three weeks ago, and I've been occupied since - but I am hoping to get that out soon. I do have faith I will finish this story…but I don't know how long it will take me.

I still have hopes to eventually finish and post the consecution fic that I also worked so hard on last year. A lot of the story has been jossed by campaign 3 canon (Ludinus is a main character) and I haven't really had the energy to retool it to fit current canon OR make the decision to just release it as-is. The truth of the matter is that I have had much more brain space for writing this year than for editing and making critical decisions about structure/plot/etc. In many ways, those are the things that I need to be able to post things to AO3, and it has meant a serious backlog.

I also struggled to stick to a steady writing routine this year, in part because my life itself was not routine. I traveled frequently and had an unpredictable work schedule. There were also just the very, very bad days that happen sometimes when your beloved former home is going through a calamity. It was so hard to work through that, and to WRITE through that, that many days I just didn't try.

Victories

Despite all these obstacles, I somehow still wrote nearly 85,000 words this year! I'm trying to celebrate those as a victory rather than seeing that number as a defeat. It's a significant decrease from the last two years (2021 I wrote 280,000 and 2022 I wrote 336,000) but it's still 85,000 more words than I used to write before I started my steady writing habit in 2021. That's the equivalent of a whole novel! And I kept up my writing from January to December, even if there were months I fell off completely!

The real thing to celebrate here is the perseverance - when writing got immensely hard, I didn't stop writing. I'm so, so proud of myself for that.

Looking Forward

So what will 2024 bring? If today is any indication, probably more of the same burnout and low word count production. I will continue to update 2 Tusk 2 Love, but likely updates will be just as slow as they were this year. I'm hoping to be able to publish my consecution fic, but I don't know if I will get the energy to do that, and it's still stuck at 50% complete (as opposed to Tusk Love, which is at 90% and just mostly needs rewrites). But these things are hard to predict. If an idea catches me, if suddenly I hyperfocus on writing again, if I get captured by a story once more - that could change.

May 2024 bring us all many things. May it bring us a not-terrible election in the United States. May it bring us victory and peace in Ukraine. May it bring us an end to war and genocide all over the world, especially in Gaza. May it bring us health and prosperity and freedom from the scourge that is covid. And may it bring us all inspiration and creativity for a brilliant future.

#personal #reflections #my writing

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misssugarpinkshome · 1 year

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Heyyyyy

So, it’s been. A biiit. And I keep meaning to post something about it all or let you all know, but I keep intending to post it when I get my next chap of WKYH done - and that’s been slow going (progress is progress but still).

So. Here’s the run down. Buckle up, cause here’s how my past year went (a fair bit of trauma dumping but also want y’all to know)

The TL;DR: this boy can pack so much trauma in him! But also a whole lotta life and some good stuff too. I’ll write more this year I promise 💙

Got Covid over Christmas into January 2022.

Moved in January 2022, with Covid, into a new basement apartment (in freezing temps, with no heat on in the house).

My secret partner of 5 years moved in with me about 2-3 weeks later, bringing with them the most perfectest little stray kitty in the world.

We try to unpack while working full time as teachers.

We have a mouse we have to handle, wolf spiders, ants, and drain flies. But it’s $400 a month to live here in a 5 room basement apartment with a kitchen and bedroom. No utilities to pay. Jesus we’re lucky.

I start therapy and get diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder (we been know but heyo we’re open about it now on this account). Also medically recognized as autistic, tho a diagnosis isn’t really needed atm.

I undergo severe harassment on a sideblog of mine on another account.

(Have I mentioned that’s just January?)

Things continue, I start processing how fucked up I am.

I come out to my sister as gay and a system in February. She keeps my secret but doesn’t talk to me.

Partner brings home 7 cats who need to be fostered, which we don’t have room for, but take care of anyways. (2 got adopted; The 5 that are left are STILL at their parent’s house, and we STILL go over and feed them regularly).

I come out to my parents as gay and a system in March. I miss work due to the trauma responses fucking up my body, my mom demands to see me, I have a 2 hour long conversation with her in the parking lot of Safeway. I’m dead certain I’m going to die that night (mostly due to trauma, wahoo).

Didn’t die! Woohoo! But I did black out for a day. No memories! Memories came back with a new alter in the system. Wahoo.

Report my shitty coworker for sexual harassment. He’s still working there 🫠

Remember that harassment on the sideblog? It continued on through all of this, including threats of Doxxing, threats of assault (sexual or otherwise), and sooo many suibaits. I end up deleting that blog and remaking to make the harassment calm down. It thankfully did (mostly).

In summer, got a long message from my sister saying “hey we should talk” which boiled down to “I see you as a friend but not family anymore. Let’s start over our entire relationship.” Which. Hurt, to say the least, especially since it came the same day I was going camping in the woods for a week and would have no cell service. So. Great.

Went on vacation with my partner’s family in Wisconsin. It was really really good, even though it’s really blurry.

Went on vacation with my family in Aruba. Aruba was super good. We ignored everything I’d come out about and everyone just… tried to ignore what was happening. Cool 👍 Nice. Awesome.

Started the new school year with a MUCH BETTER COWORKER (still have to deal with the other guy though but this is leagues better) and a new 140 students.

Visit my parents semi-regularly, but don’t communicate at all with my sister. It’s always awkward and bad visiting my family. It takes 2 visits for my father to even talk to me directly.

I learn I experienced Some Real Fucking Bad Trauma from my parents (not the worst kind, not what comes to mind immediately, but the memories and horror are there now) and got a new alter.

Things continue like this for awhile. Then, in October, I get very sick. It’s a viral infection. It lasts from mid October to the end of October, when I get pink eye on top of it.

I heal up, and me and my partner get surprised engaged.

I get a resurgence of the infection in mid November. I miss more school. I am now out of sick days.

December rolls around. I catch Covid. I’m out for a week, the week before winter break. I’m now at -9 hours of sick time, and that’s with bonus days.

I miss my partner’s family Christmas, but I’m no longer positive for Covid when my parents have Christmas. So I drive to my parents, leaving behind my partner (who has Covid now)

My parents are nice, my sister is nice, it’s all very nice. The trauma responses I have aren’t nice. I try to give my mom a card from my partner. She doesn’t accept it, and tells me she will never read it.

I decide to cut my family off.

And now it’s January again. I’m freezing cold, but I’m in love, and things are looking up? But I’m sure y’all can understand why it’s taken me a bit of time to get my feet on the ground. Writing’s been hard while I just try to survive. But survival is coming a bit better now.

I’m hoping to write more this year. We’ll see how I do!

Thank you for your patience. :)

#oof #author update #trauma stuff

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claireelizabethsblog · 1 year

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~ February's Books Reviewed ~

This month could not quite live up to the joy that was January's in terms of books. I think, especially after ending on Blake's Atlas Series, I was a little in shock and mourning over what I could possibly read next! As a result, I started the month re-reading an old favourite, and then moved on to making my way through some of my mother's old books that I borrowed when I last visited. I enjoyed this in the sense that it broadened my reading habits, however it did mean that my general ranking books was lower this month.

All For The Game Series by Nora Sakavic

(269 & 338 & 431 pages)

Now, I understand these books are not good. They're problematic in several ways, probably in more ways than I realise. However, I unapologetically love them. The found family is everything, the representation (even though it is far from accurate) of demisexuality and mental health struggles make me emotional at points and this trilogy will remain one of my constant comfort reads. In terms of warnings, people should know that there are many inaccuracies and slightly problematic choices; it is also graphic and descriptive of torture and self harm. However, the characters and their relationships, with themselves and their relationships is beautiful, and as such I will always choose to come back to this trilogy when I want a cosy comforting read.

I gave this trilogy 5 stars ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐

Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden

(428 pages)

I was excited to read this book as it is a classic that has been on my list for a while, but unfortunately I'd ultimately describe myself as underwhelmed by it. I know it was fairly recently in the news for its cultural inaccuracies anyway, but that combined with the fairly graphic sexual scenes did make me rather uncomfortable. Aside from that, I just found it a little dull and be perfectly honest. I'm glad I read it, but I cannot see myself ever re-reading it either.

I gave this book 2.5 stars ⭐ ⭐ 🌗

The Time Travelers Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

(518 pages)

This was another book that has been on my list for a while, especially since I've heard people claiming they absolutely loved it, however, again it was far from the best book I've read recently. The concept was extremely interesting and the style and structure was totally not what I was expecting. The age gap and time jumping made some sections a bit odd or confusing or uncomfortable; and the ending was honestly a little anticlimactic. That being said, it was definitely not a bad book, and I did enjoy parts of it, I just wasn't blown away.

I gave this book 3.5 stars ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ 🌗

The Forgotten Garden by Kate Morton

(646 pages)

I was surprised by how much I enjoyed this book as I picked it up on a bit of a whim. Essentially, it was a mystery novel and despite life getting a little busy while reading this, it kept me hooked and coming back to it without any long breaks. There were certainly parts that were slow and also bits that were a bit clunky, but overall I found this a satisfying and very gentle read.

I gave this book 4 stars ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐

Captain Corelli's Mandolin by Louis de Bernières

(435 pages)

Amazingly descriptive, but not very engaging. I'm glad I managed to read it since it is another classic one, however there were times when I honestly wasn't sure I'd finish it. While reading it I was sure it was only going to get two stars, however it picked up significantly at the end so pulled itself up. I will say that it was really interesting reading about this period of time (first half of the 20th century) from the Greek and Italian perspective as I feel that is a rather understudied section of history.

I gave this book 3 stars ⭐ ⭐ ⭐

One Day by David Nicholls

(435 pages)

I could forgive the dull storyline if it weren't for the fact the protagonists were so incredibly awful. It's all well and good having flawed characters, but when they're bad enough that I find myself actively rooting against then it's usually not a good sign. I did enjoy the symbolism of the end however, even if it was highly predictable.

I gave this book 2 stars ⭐ ⭐

#book review #book reccs #claireelizabethsblog #aftg #nora sakavic #all for the game #the foxhole court #the raven king #the kings men #arthur golden #memoirs of a geisha #audrey niffenegger #the time traveler's wife #kate morton #the forgotten garden #louis de bernieres #captain corelli's mandolin #david nicholls #one day

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rappaccini · 2 months

Text

earth-65 timeline thoughts

gwen kills peter at the prom, which would've taken place in may 2013 or 2014. even though the fact sheets say gwen was a senior when the janes were founded, and gwen's betty's ex-roommate in what's clearly a dorm-style living situation, her aging's slowed later on, so it looks like it was the junior prom and gwen's taking a gap year after her senior year instead of being a college dropout. also it appears that harry never finished school and went straight to the military instead of attending his senior year, or he's a year older than gwen. and the mary janes are... somehow already a band when gwen's a junior during her first week as spider-woman. the early days continuity's a mess. ugh. anyway. the one thing we know for sure is peter dies in may.

gwen's first issue takes place in about april 2015, about 2 years after she gets her powers and kills peter. gwen then spends a "few months" trapped in another dimension after the spiderverse event before she finally makes it home in time for most wanted.

issue 6 gives us something to go off: murdock's concert ticket is timestamped. the concert takes place on june 6 2015... even though for some reason the girls are dressed like it's winter and talk about being too broke to afford winter hats.

the goblin arc takes place during summer. the group mention as much.

gwen works at the dollar dog during this time, for about a month.

clone conspiracy has to have happened around here, and gwen was in 616 for a few weeks.

when weapon of choice kicks off, it's autumn.

issue #13 takes place on halloween.

issue #14 takes place on thanksgiving.

issue #15 takes place around christmas.

sitting in a tree is clearly a valentine's event, but so much shit happens near the end of the latour run that it's got take place in january.

gwen goes on the run with harry for at least a week in "predators", is rampaging as venom for maybe a month in "gwenom" and the night before her arrest it's still snowing. so at the latest, it's late february 2016.

gwen's trial takes six months, so she's convicted and sent to prison in august 2016.

gwen is released in august 2017, exactly 365 days after her incarceration.

the mcguire run kicks off 52 days after gwen's release. she heads to a community college's registrar's office while school appears to be in session, so it's probably about september.

gwen goes to school long enough to make friends, get homework and establish a routine, so that's at minimum a month before she's exiled, which would mean that happens in october 2017 at the earliest. also somehow she's subject to cradle laws, so she's almost 21 at the oldest. even though it's been over 2 years since she was 19 at the start of the latour run. oh well.

big ??? about king in black, last remains, the shathra possession or gwenverse.

shadow clones confirms that gwen's been working at the smoothie shack for three months, so gwen's returned to her home dimension for that length of time, minimum. no snow on the ground, so it can't be winter. and since gwen's annual takes place during the school year, it must be spring 2018. anyway whether the comics admit it or not gwen's 21 by now.

since gwen's not in college during the events of smash, i'm guessing it's spring break or summer 2018.

#spider gwen thoughts

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islandpcosjourney · 2 years

Text

Day 4 – May ’22 challenge

12th May 2022

Why? Why do I juice? Well the answer to that question has become somewhat blurred lately, in that when I come to making the decision to juice on any given day, it doesn’t seem to be the same decision that I was making 2 years ago. I’ve been very conscious that my efforts have been harder to manage, and I’ve had more excuses why NOT to juice than juice in my everyday life, which is not how I want it to be, but why is that?

Initially, I was juicing for health. No question, that was my goal – to be healthy. I was very ill during lockdown 1 (March-June 2020). Daily headaches and tinnitus made an appearance for the first time. I was also the biggest I’d been for a long time, chronic fatigued & unable to do anything physically challenging really. I fondly remember Kevin roping me in to pressure wash the house and I found it really difficult BUT we were in lockdown, and I was at the house all the time, so it was easy enough to spread the energy required over a long period of time. We also went on moor walks and found out how unfit I was, but enjoyed using the Strava app to see how far/high we’d gone and how I progressed.

So, health was my reason back then. To become healthier overall in general. We’d started the adoption process and were aware that medical check-ups would be done so now was the perfect time to address it before anyone made it an issue for our application. In the early days, it was so easy to be motivated and focused as I could see the benefits happening before my eyes and it inspired me to continue. I knew I was healing so there was no question about it. The weight I lost as a result of my health improving was an added bonus, a welcome added bonus of course!

6 months down the line and my menstrual cycle returned after a 4-year absence, since I’d last stopped inducing it medically when my father died (the feeling of guilt and regret at trusting in medicine over God). Suddenly, the reasons changed. I had clearly addressed my health in such a way which was not only benefitting my obvious health but also my internal health at a cellular & hormonal level which had kicked started my female traits to remember what their job was! At this point, I was honest with our social worker that the impossible had happened (according to doctors I was unlikely to ever have unmedicated cycles 🤷🏻‍♀️, hence why we’d eventually accepted we’d start the adoption process) and that for the time-being, I’d be focusing on my health. The pandemic was getting in the way of us proceeding anyway so it seemed God was showing us that our path was changing. He’s very good at that.

Then after my 2nd cycle, my attention turned to continuing those and shortening my cycles (first was 40 then 67 days long), keeping the momentum going and the routine to not only maintain a balance of health but a slow but constant improvement on it. Since end of May last year, they’ve been regular (between 34-40 days) so I knew I’d at least reached a maintenance level with it. My attention in January turned to adding supplements to further improve my cycle and I think it’s working, although the fever spike in April certainly put a spanner in the statistics as the 54 day cycle I’m currently on will push me right out of the “normal” cycle length category and my 30day cycle in February already pushed me out of the “regular” cycle category 😂 However, if my calculations are correct and the fever did prevent ovulation in April, that should have been around a 31 day cycle but with no bleed as there was no ovulation, but if there had been I’d now be on Day 23 of a “new” cycle, ovulating around Day 17 which would tie in with a 31 day cycle again. But that’s my own analysis & speculation, trying to prove that I’ve successfully shortened my cycles and I could be very wrong. Only time will tell.

However, it’s clear that health-wise I am on the right track, if not comfortable with the level I’ve reached. It’s clear that I am biologically acting like a woman again on my own steam after 11 years therefore am I comfortable with the level at which I’ve reached there? Maybe I could still improve further? Weight-wise I am no longer obese and sitting within a healthy range, looking comfortable in my clothes, and no longer feeling like the fat elephant in the room, but yet I’m still striving for more, or rather for there to be less of me. Weight was never the reason I went on this juicing journey, but it’s become the reason lately as I seemed to have ticked my other goals along the way. Whenever weight was my reason to make changes before, it never stuck, it never worked. Once my mindset shifted to health, it all clicked into place. The same is said of God. Once we leave it in his hands, he does what is best for us. He brings us to the light and guides us down the path he’s decided for us. This is far too big a subject to delve into tonight as I’ve arrived home late and really need to sleep but I have struggled internally with the concept of letting go and letting be lately. I have struggled to trust in the paths he lays out in front of me. Is a path there to test my temptation or is it because it’s the way he wants me to follow? Have my efforts to lose more weight been hampered lately because God is telling me that I should be happy as I am now? Has that particular path come to an end and I’m now to follow another? There are paths in which are pre-destined, that no matter what we choose and whether we veer off in other directions, that we’ll always be lead back to it. Our fertility journey has definitely felt like that when for 11 years, my female health has been toyed with so many times, mucked around my medications and doctors insisting they know best. I have moments when I regret trusting in them. But were they just branches slightly off but on the same path? Of course they were, therefore, regret gets me nowhere. Let go, it was yesterday, and it doesn’t shape today.

When visiting a friend tonight, I found myself admitting that if the NHS had prescribed me a juicing diet to “sort” my problems years ago, I’d have told them to get stuffed. I didn’t trust in natural methods, and I knew that “diets” never worked 🤷🏻‍♀️ Diets don’t work. Lifestyles do. But it was an interesting thought that if I had been handed a leaflet detailing how juicing could have helped my PCOS, I’d have reacted badly to it? Or would i? Juicing was first introduced to me by a friend at college, back in 2008 maybe. Only a few years before my diagnosis. It was something I’d done for a few weeks a few times but it was such an effort to do it, it just seemed like yet another machine in my kitchen as a gimmick. Perhaps I would’ve jumped at the opportunity to learn more or perhaps it would’ve thrown me further away from it. In any case, it wasn’t meant to be like that. It was meant to have been in 2020. For whatever the reason was for the delay of 9 years from diagnosis to turning to something natural to heal from within, it was meant to be those 9 long fatigued years. Just like it was meant to take me 2 years to get where I am today. To get to realise that my journey isn’t done, it merely is branching off in another way yet again, whether that’s leading me back to the original path or whether it’s veering me off for another adventure to see what else I can learn along the way. Either way I must trust that it’s what’s meant to be, and he knows what is best for me, like this quote from Psalm 37:7.

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himbodiaz · 2 years

Text

March Buddie Fic Wrap-Up

a list of my favourite fics from this past month

[ ✓ complete | ☆ series | ☼ one-shot | ☾ multi-chapter]

October | November | December | January | February

< 3k

all the reasons we'd be mad by @rewritetheending (withoutthetiger) [G | 1.3k | ✓ | ☼]

"There’s a stretch of silence while Buck snuggles even further under the three layers of fleece blankets covering them now, Eddie following his lead, the two of them still on the couch in Eddie’s living room where they’d landed after Buck had driven them home from the hospital. Christopher is with Pepa for the night, which is just as well when midnight rolled past them a while ago and neither Buck nor Eddie has made an attempt to move.

They should be in bed by now. Their own beds, probably, though Buck has his doubts about that tonight.

'Who told you?'

It’s Eddie’s turn to snap his head toward Buck, and it’s far too sudden for a body that remains partially frozen from head to toe. He winces, then fights to come back – again – his eyes asking questions before he’s said anything at all.

'Nobody told me anything,' Eddie whispers. 'What am I supposed to know?'"

Because I adore 3x15, written for the prompt "I love you - said with a hoarse voice, under the blankets."

driving slow on sunday morning by @queerpanikkar (archerincombat) [G | 1.3k | ✓ | ☼]

“Doesn’t count,” Buck tells him softly, reaching out to draw a finger over the line of his eyebrow; a painter and his muse. “You’re still dreaming.”

Eddie’s eyes flicker open, hair mussed and hardly there. Half of his face is still hidden and he gazes at Buck like he hung the stars in the sky for them to look at together. “Yeah,” he replies, giving Buck a sleepy grin. “Must be.”

not yet (but someday soon) by @probieeddie (intotheblue) [G | 1.4k | ✓ | ☼]

Eddie’s instinct is to deflect, but he’d promise Buck and himself to talk about the things that bother him so– “You keep telling everyone you love them,” he blurts.

Buck’s brow furrows, and he takes a step back. “And that’s… a bad thing?”

“No, god, of course not,” Eddie says, catching Buck’s wrist and tugging softly until Buck steps back into his space. “I just…”

A small frown appears on Buck’s lips. His head tips ever so slightly to the right. “Just what?” he asks.

“You keep telling everyone… except me.”

(Or: Buck starts throwing out casual 'I love you's to everyone except Eddie)

the stars shine for the two of us by @clusterbuck (lecornergirl) [G | 1.7k | ✓ | ☼]

“So you hate kissing booths then?” Hen asks, fixing him with a curious glance that darts to Buck and back so fast he thinks he might be imagining it.

Not exactly. But there’s a reason he doesn’t want to do the kissing booth, and it’s not a reason he’s about to say out loud to his entire team. So he jumps on it.

“Yeah,” he says. “I just think—kissing should be for a reason, you know?” Which isn’t even untrue.

“Cute,” Chimney says. “I always knew you were a romantic.”

“Is raising money for charity not enough of a reason for you?” Hen asks.

“I just—” Eddie says and chances a look at Buck, hoping no one catches it. Buck’s face is impassive, revealing nothing, but Eddie’s pretty sure Buck hasn’t looked his way since he said the words kissing booth.

So that’s something.

i can't numb this heart full of splinters by @capseycartwright (wafflesofdoom) [G | 1.7k | ✓ | ☼]

“You know,” Eddie’s voice was quiet, as he spoke – quiet, and tired, and reserved in a way that Buck hated. “It’s usually nice to follow with an explanation when you say something like, Eddie, I’ve done something terrible, and I can’t take it back.”

or - a post 5x11 coda where buck confides in his best friend about the taylor-and-lucy of it all.

even though we changed (i'm still here with you) by intotheblue [G | 1.8k | ✓ | ☼]

Buck sighs and tips his head back against the sofa. “Things are good,” he says, abandoning all pretext. It’s not like he was fooling Maddie anyway. “I’m not going to mess that up.”

Maddie takes his hand in hers and squeezes. “You’re right, you’re not, because he loves you too,” she says.

“You don’t know that.”

“Buck,” she says flatly, “everyone who’s ever met either of you knows that.”

“Shut up,” he says, but there’s no bite.

“Answer one question,” Maddie says, “and then I’ll drop it, I swear.”

He sits up and chews on his lip. “Fine, one.”

“When’s the last time Eddie asked you how the apartment hunt was going?”

third row back by withoutthetiger [G | 1.8k | ✓ | ☼ ]

"Still. Here he is. Exhausted after his first session. Or first session this time around, anyway.

Eddie’s eyes snap open when he hears a child cry on the far side of the parking lot, and the shock of sunlight is enough to make him wince, though the kid’s misery keeps him company for a while. When everything quiets again, he thinks he should start the truck and drive home, but his arms don’t quite cooperate, his hand tight around his phone.

He isn’t ready to talk, but if there’s anything Eddie learned today, it’s that he can survive having someone else nearby.

He isn’t ready to talk, but he can’t stop himself from tapping Buck’s name, a text sent before he wonders what else he can survive."

Set in early 5b, offered as the loosest possible interpretation of the prompt "writing each other love letters."

is this body even mine? by @onward--upward (r_holland) [T | 1.9k | ✓ | ☼ ]

Eddie doesn’t wake up screaming on his first day back at the 118 after the shooting – he gets up like normal, eats a piece of welcome-back cake, falls into his place in the firehouse like nothing ever happened.

Life moves on. What’s that saying? Time heals all wounds. He’s healed – everything is fine.

Except that the more time that passes, the more Eddie’s grip on himself breaks.

first i want a kiss (and then i want it all) by lecornergirl [G | 1.9k | ✓ | ☼]

Except it’s five a.m. on the morning of December thirty-first, he’s sitting on the couch in the firehouse loft, and for the first time in his life he’s thinking about making a resolution.

He’s sitting on the couch in the firehouse loft, the one just starting to be worn-in enough to be comfortable, and he’s looking at Buck. When is he not?

It’s not the kind of resolution he can put into words. It’s not the kind he’d put on a list or painstakingly etch in calligraphy in a bullet journal or hang up in his house in cross-stitch, or however it is that people document their resolutions in the age of instagram. Maybe it’s more like an intention than a resolution.

But Eddie looks at Buck, and he knows. By this time next year, he’s going to have figured out how to tell Buck about—all of it. About the fact that he’s in love with him, and the fact that he dreams about a life with him, today, tomorrow, five years from now. Ten years from now, twenty, fifty, if the good lord allows him to make it that far.

the best of your dreams cannot grow by @probieravi [T | 2.2k | ✓ | ☼]

Buck remembers it all, and it should be a good memory, it should be the best memory of Buck’s fucking life, except—

Except Eddie is gone.

(or, buck wakes up alone.)

i wonder if she knows that i touched your skin by sunshinexbomb [M | 2.2k | ✓ | ☼]

“Do you want to stop?” Eddie asks, words slow and surprisingly steady.

The thing is that he doesn’t—Buck really, really, doesn’t want to stop and that’s the problem. He searches Eddie’s face, not exactly sure what he’s looking for, but Eddie’s impossible to read at the moment. All Buck sees is familiar brown eyes, pupils blown with want, and Buck can’t deny that he wants too.

Buck swallows thickly against the lump in his throat and shakes his head.

In which Buck and Eddie both make some bad decisions.

when we're on the phone and you talk real slow by lecornergirl [E | 2.3k | ✓ | ☼]

“I miss you too,” Eddie says, soft. “But I’ll be back soon.”

“I know,” Buck sighs. “And the sooner I fall asleep, the sooner it is.”

“Is that how time works?” Eddie asks.

“Time is fake,” Buck says. “It feels sooner. That’s what matters.”

“Okay, I see your point,” Eddie says. “But, counterargument—what are you wearing?”

wearing me out this time by @adamsparirsh (catching_paper_moons) [E | 2.8k | ✓ | ☼]

“I have a girlfriend,” Buck protests, albeit rather weakly. Lucy shrugs.

“Break up with her,” Lucy purrs into his ear, “and this can be a regular thing.”

(or, Buck has a breakdown.)

note from drew: this contains a bucklucy sex scene, if that's not your jam, click away. and if i see anyone say rude things to grace about it, i'll simply just stop making the wrap ups. don't like, don't read, people <3

keep me on fire by @henswilsons (hammersmiths) [T | 2.9k | ✓ | ☼]

It’s—enough, to have him blinking out of his reverie, the second between the give of the bat against something, the sound of broken glass against the floorboards, and then he’s no longer on the street, or in the helicopter, or the ambulance, and he’s just back in his living room, his dark blue living room, and—

And Buck. Buck is here.

Buck, hands raised above his head. Buck, eyes wide. Buck, the same colour as the dusky floorboards.

Buck. Is here. And Eddie nearly hit him with a baseball bat.

“Oh fuck,” Eddie breathes, and the bat slips from his grasp.

or, Eddie breaks down. Buck is there.

3k-7k

devotion (defined by you) by @tawaifeddiediaz (tkreyesevandiaz) [G | 3.1k | ✓ | ☼]

Buck’s making a cup of tea when the sound of the lock reverberates into the apartment.

Prompt: untying your lover’s tie, using it to pull your lover into a kiss

wonder what it's like by catching_paper_moons [T | 3.2k | ✓ | ☼]

“Here I am,” Buck says, blinking rapidly. “I, uh. I have a question.”

Eddie’s heart could jackhammer through his chest if he’s not careful. He swallows. “Okay.”

“You don’t have to answer it.” Buck’s voice shakes so minutely Eddie wonders if he made it up. “But if I don’t ask it I think I’ll kick myself forever.”

(or the soft moment they deserve to have.)

the sight that flashed before me was your face by @tenisperfection [T | 3.4k | ✓ | ☼]

Eddie goes to therapy after he has a sleep paralysis episode and hallucinates the Buck from the day Eddie got shot. pre-Buck/Eddie.

forever is a long time (and i want to spend it all with you) by @eddiediazisascorpio [G | 3.7k | ✓ | ☼]

Three moments captured on film. Unfiltered, unscripted, and recorded in the hands of a man who doesn’t want to miss a thing.

Buck buys an old film camera and thinks about his future playing out in the present.

so bad to pretend (only for today) by withoutthetiger [G | 3.8k | ✓ | ☼]

"Eddie is a sucker. Probably in a million different ways and for a million different reasons.

And at least half of the ways and reasons have something to do with Buck.

This afternoon, they’re in Buck’s Jeep, just pulling into the parking lot of some fancy schmancy country club to which they absolutely do not belong, and suddenly Eddie thinks he may have really screwed up when he didn’t push harder for details after Buck told him that he’d be picking him up for a day of innocent fun. And when Eddie spots flower gardens along the side and a gazebo toward the back, it only makes him more concerned because it looks like they’re at a wedding venue and—

'Okay, so, this place is having a massive cake tasting today and the website said there would be all of the traditional wedding flavors like vanilla buttercream and chocolate raspberry, plus red velvet and carrot cake, and then some cupcakes, and even unexpected wedding stuff like cream puffs and cheesecake, and I totally signed us up because, hello, free dessert.'

Cake. Wedding. Wedding cake. With Buck.

'But we’re not engaged.'"

all the remaining breaths by @renecdote [E | 3.9k | ✓ | ☼]

Buck blinks up at him, lips kiss swollen and curls coming loose against the pillow, the picture of sinful temptation. “Eds,” he says, patiently amused. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Eddie replies automatically.

“Right,” Buck agrees, because he knows that, “but I’d really, really like you to fuck me right now, so maybe we can save the ethical discussion for sometime after we’ve consummated our own marriage?”

In which Buck has fun facts and Eddie has opinions on the history of consummating marriages. And also there is sex.

everything's coming up milhouse by hammersmiths [T | 4.0k | ✓ | ☼]

LAFD Updates (@L*A*F*D_Metro) LAFD Alert: Red-level traffic on Gardiner Road this morning. If you are trying to get into the city centre consider taking Westerley Lane.

buck 🔥🔥 (@firebuck) so true bestie

or, Eddie mans the LAFD Twitter account. Buck tries to be supportive.

open the blinds, let me see your face by @trippedandfell [T | 4.7k | ✓ | ☼]

It starts, as most of Eddie’s problems have lately, with therapy.

or: Eddie does yoga, makes some new friends, and falls in love.

ripping all the skin from my bones (have mercy) by @extasiswings [T | 4.8k | ✓ | ☼]

Eddie can’t sleep.

I don’t even think about him anymore, that’s what he said months ago when he landed in the ER with a panic attack. I don’t even think about him anymore.

Not a lie.

Not the truth either. But not a lie. Not quite.

He doesn’t think about the sniper. But he thinks about the shooting. He has hours every night to replay it over and over now that he can’t seem to block it out, the lightning strike of a bullet slamming into him, the icy numbness of bleeding out on hot asphalt.

And Buck.

Buck’s mouth, his face, his white shirt, splattered with blood, eyes wide in shock and horror.

Buck.

What are you afraid of?

baby, come make me alright by r_holland [T | 5.2k | ✓ | ☼]

Buck’s memory exists in fits and starts. Flashes. Bangs. Colours and voices. Nothing quite coalesces into anything solid. He remembers waking up in the morning, the warm weight of a broad chest at his back, the dry press of lips to his shoulder. He remembers school drop-off, remembers going through the Starbucks drive-thru, a gentle hand on his knee as he rattled off their orders.

He remembers walking through the firehouse doors. Things get a little bit scrambled after that. Like the eggs they had for breakfast.

Holy fuck his head hurts.

i thought i loved you (it's just how you looked in the light) by @breakdowndiaz (asgardiun) [G | 5.3k | ✓ | ☼]

He loves the kitchen sink and the drying rack on the counter, because he always washes and Eddie always dries and sometimes when he dries he chips the grey bowls and breaks the white plates, but it doesn’t matter because he bought the set second hand and really, they don’t need more than three plates, three bowls, three mugs, and three forks.

“Just three?” Maddie asks.

“Yeah, me, Christopher, and Eddie,” he says, like it’s obvious.

Maddie gives a knowing smile. “And Taylor?”

He shrugs. “It’s not like the four of us hang out."

“So who’s plate is she borrowing when they leave?” Buck stays quiet. She sets her mug on the table. “Moving out might help, but no matter where you go, you’ll only have three plates.”

(In which Buck hates his apartment, breaks up with Taylor, and makes a long overdue confession.)

tying you to me by @rarakiplin [T | 5.4k | ✓ | ☼]

“Diaz?”

The man — and it is Eddie Diaz, Buck can’t not see it now — blinks, and in a split second his expression shutters closed. “Buckley.”

Buck wonders if he looks different without Diaz’s blood on his face.

or, eddie and buck meet each other at rock bottom

in case of emergency by @homerforsure (allisonrw96) [G | 5.7k | ✓ | ☼]

“You spent a great deal of time considering what you wanted for Christopher if something was ever to happen to you. Did you ever once give yourself the same consideration?”

“Well I was going to be dead,” Eddie answers. “So it didn’t seem like there was anything to think about. Either I’d be alive and I’d handle it or I’d be dead and it- It wouldn’t matter.”

Eddie doesn't have an emergency contact. Frank challenges him to do something about that.

i could spend a thousand nights here by wafflesofdoom [G | 6.0k | ✓ | ☼]

It was a silly admission to make, Eddie knew, but he’d honestly forgotten to think about what would come after – after the love confession, after his feelings were out in the open, and so he'd been entirely unprepared for Good Boyfriend Buck.

or - seven times Eddie experiences Good Boyfriend Buck and one time Good Boyfriend Eddie has his time to shine.

i just wanna tell you how i'm feeling by probieravi [T | 7.6k | ✓ | ☼]

Buck thrusts his phone into Eddie’s hand, opened to their text thread, and—oh. It’s a picture that Ravi sent him that Eddie obviously sent to Buck immediately, because it was—actually, he doesn’t really know why he sent it to Buck. Ravi sends him random shit like that all the time, from memes to TikToks, and usually, Eddie just reacts to the messages with a laugh or a thumbs up and leaves it at that.

But Frank’s been telling him to express himself without words, since Eddie is, according to Frank, emotionally constipated sometimes, and so—he just sent it without thinking.

Eddie glances at the picture, mouth quirking a little in the corner.

“It’s a meme,” Eddie says, raising an eyebrow at Buck. “I know you know what that is. You’re the one who taught me what they were.”

(or, healing through shitty memes sure is cathartic.)

8k+

in the drive way with the engine running by @hattalove [T | 8.2k | ✓ | ☼]

It’s a recent development, is the thing. Buck didn’t know to look for this; didn’t know to recognize it until Eddie was smiling about his breakfast date and it felt like the bottom was dropping out of the world.

He didn’t know to look for it, and there’s not much he can do about it now.

or, eddie goes on dates. buck spends his nights babysitting and waiting for him to come home.

accidentally killing an octopus is just fishing by @hmslusitania [T | 8.6k | ✓ | ☼]

Buck gets injured on a call and winds up taking some time at the hospital. Fortunately, his hospital roommate makes it much more bearable.

it's golden, like daylight by rarakiplin [T | 8.7k | ✓ | ☼]

“Hmm,” Buck hums, and Eddie feels the vibration of it under his mouth. Buck’s nose nudges against the side of his head. “Have you thought about that?”

Eddie laughs against Buck’s shoulder, unwilling to lift his head. “Thinking? Right now?”

“Shut up,” fingers dig into his ribs, “I mean, would you want to? Be married again?”

or, the sun comes up

if i'm honest, it felt like love by @littlespoonevan (allyasavedtheday) [M | 9.3k | ✓ | ☼]

“I- it felt good, right? And neither of us are really in a place to want to date right now but maybe. You said you needed comfort so maybe that’s all it has to be?”

“You mean this could be a…regular thing?” Eddie looks confused but not at all opposed to the idea which is more than Buck expects, honestly.

He nods. “Just. When we need it, y’know? Because I don’t want to go back to how I was before but sometimes it’s nice. To spend the night with someone. Or- or be close with someone. And I trust you. I mean, you’re my best friend.”

The few seconds it takes Eddie to think it over feel like the longest of Buck’s life but then his grip tightens imperceptibly on Buck’s waist and he nods.

“I don’t think I could imagine trusting anyone else with this right now.”

Buck and Eddie try friends with benefits. It's great, easy, exactly what they need. Except for the fact they're in love with each other.

the stick-around by derryfacts2 [T | 9.7k | ✓ | ☼]

Buck takes it to the grave.

He doesn’t mean to. It’s just—with all that time he spent teasing death, all the motorcycles and factory fires and blood-coated grenades—death gets impatient, in the end. Right as he’s starting to take life seriously. After he puts his name on the lease, buys life a ring, like, I’m in this for the long haul. Death gets jealous, and Buck falls through a second-story floor onto a derelict wrought-iron stair rail, and his femoral artery begins the quick but methodical work of leaking out the next fifty or sixty years of his life onto the charred tile floor.

keep going, keep going come what may by @evanbucxley (iriswests) [M | 10.7k | ✓ | ☼]

Buck doesn’t remember the details. It’s all foggy, mostly – how he got here. He barely remembers the events leading up to this: almost like he’d gone to sleep one night and woken here, a cruel reality, a prison of his own making. He thinks it could be hell: Eddie had warned him of hell, once, but then there are times where he’ll feel a brief sting in his arm, or the wind run through his hair, and it feels less like he’s a wayward soul and more like an asshole who got the short end of the stick, all things considered.

or; buck is the last man on earth. he’s dealing with it.

say you were made to be mine by @elvensorceress [T | 11.7k | ✓ | ☼]

Eddie’s never believed in soulmates. Sure, people have them. It’s a thing. The first touch of one soulmate with another leaves behind remnants of that meeting — the color belonging to one soul, and the color belonging to another, swirling on the surface of someone’s skin where they’ve met.

But the colors disappear upon second meeting. So, what does it even matter?

It might have bothered him as a child when all his friends had found at least one person. Abuela would sit him on her lap and tell him someday. Someday he would meet a person and he’d know that person would be in his heart forever. She was the only one who knew the truth — that Eddie did feel left out. That he did wish for love.

It's Valentine's Day 2018, and Eddie saves a man from choking to death in the middle of a restaurant. It's only after the man is rushed away by paramedics that Eddie realizes his hands are green. The man he saved is his soulmate. And he doesn't even know his name let alone how to find him.

once, twice, right by @thatbuddie [E | 13.4k | ✓ | ☼]

The first time is unexpected but convenient. It's fun. Eddie's still technically married, and they're just learning how to become friends.

The second time is comfortable but exciting. It's warm. They're best friends, and Buck starts to believe they can maybe become something more.

The third time is inevitable but convulsive. It's heartbreaking. They're further apart than they've ever been, but Buck's heart is in it all the way.

(or Buck and Eddie try being friends with benefits three times during the course of their friendship. It works and it doesn't.)

your heart of gold by @woodchoc-magnum [G | 15.6k | ✓ | ☼]

Christopher's POV, in which his Dad is sad, and all he wants is to help - and maybe play matchmaker, a little bit.

right on time by @henwilsonmd (tuckergreen) [T | 22k | ✓ | ☼]

Eddie’s been back at work for about two weeks—his time after quitting had passed in a seemingly idyllic week of spending time with his son which got rudely interrupted by a full-scale mental breakdown that ended with tears and hugs and Buck lovingly bullying him into going to therapy again. Then therapy had brought even more tears and confusion and slowly ballooning financial concerns that culminated in Eddie undertaking the frankly painful process of reapplying to the LAFD and completing an equally painful remedial training course.

And everything was fine until—Eddie started having a problem.

(summer break, queer awakenings, and learning to let yourself be happy: a story in four acts)

breathe by @kitkatpancakestack [M | 33k | ✓ | ☆ | ☾]

After Eddie Diaz has a breakdown in the middle of a grocery store, he's forced to face the fact that he might not be dealing with his PTSD as well as he thought. At the urging of his aunt, he leaves to spend the summer in a small California beach town, where he meets a bright-eyed, blond-haired surf instructor who reminds him what it feels like to be alive.

circles all the way down by archerincombat [M | 70.4k | ✓ | ☾]

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Bobby,” Buck bites out. “He took three months off. Saw a physical therapist. Did a few sessions with Frank. Clearly, he’s doing great.”

Bobby chews his lip. “If you’re sure,” he says finally. “He just looked a little off at that car crash, is all.”

“I would have noticed,” Buck insists. “It’s Eddie. I would’ve noticed.”

Or, healing doesn't happen in tandem

Okay, so first things first: Thank you SO much to each and every author on this list. Every month when I’m making these lists, I’m always reminded how much high quality fic this fandom creates, and how grateful I am that I get to read it. You put so much time and effort into creating something, and I can’t believe that I get to be so lucky as to read it. So, thank you, I cannot tell you how much I love and appreciate you for it!

If you’ve been paying attention to my wrap-ups, you know I’ve been including a submission link on the past few, and that it’s missing from this one. That’s because I literally haven’t gotten around to reading the fic that was already submitted, and I want to eventually, but I just don’t know when that’s going to be. If there’s a fic you really want me to read, or one you think I would really like, feel free to shoot me an ask, or tag me in it!

Anyway, I hope this wrap-up is helpful for anyone looking for new fic! MWAH and happy Sunday <3

(as always, if any of the links aren’t working or are incorrect, please let me know and i’ll fix it asap!)

#drew speaks #mywrapup #fic wrap up #buddie #buddie fic #buddie fanfiction #evan buckley #eddie diaz #911 on fox

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1ddotdhq · 4 years

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🍷Thurs 29 Oct ‘20🚙

Cam’s song Changes (written by Harry along with country singer-songwriter Lori McKenna and producers Kid Harpoon and Tyler Johnson) dropped in some parts of the world this morning, and it is LOVELY! It is a twangy country song about growing up and getting out of your hometown and seeing the world change and you with it. I really think Cam buried the lead when advertising this song, as the best lyric is clearly, “I was falling in love in a back seat, giving it away like my heart won’t ever break. Had such a young heart drinking cheap wine…”. Hmmm...does this sound familiar to anyone? Of course it does! Fans had a great time comparing this song to Fearless and We Made It (and, honestly, yes. I agree). But that is not enough music news for Harry: SiriusXM started releasing videos of Harry’s New York performance in February (whoa a lifetime ago), including Kiwi, Golden, and Lights Up. The performances are, as always, ELECTRIC, and I can’t wait to be able to see them live, eventually.

Zayn is back and he’s posting Better promotion on instagram (the song, not like...he’s doing a better job...oh, you know what I mean). He hasn’t blessed us with any more covers since yesterday, but he’s active, so I think we’ll be hearing more from him very soon….Maybe some of those songs he registered last month? Please???

All I want for Christmas is...for Liam to branch out and add Tech Expert to his resume alongside ‘YouTuber’ and ‘Tik Tok sensation’? Well, maybe that’s a hyperspecific demand, but it seems like I’m in luck! Liam will be joining the speaker line up of Web Summit 2020, which is a program which “brings together the people and companies redefining the global tech industry”. Liam *is* a recording tech expert, but that’s probably not what they tapped him - this is likely to do with the way he is putting on consistent and quality virtual concerts in a way that has massively transformed the potential for fan engagement in socially distant times. Congrats, Liam, because you’ve worked really hard! And he’s not done working! Liam took to instagram to call fans “detectives” for figuring out that his Christmas collaboration was Dixie D’Amelio, and promising “fun” leading up to the Holidays with “Dixie and her family” (uh, do you think that her parents are gonna be involved or just her super successful 16 year old Tik Tokker sister Charlie?). Anyways, as much as I would LOVE to say that we are indeed detectives (because we are!) , the credit for letting the cat out of the bag this time goes to Dixie herself, who posted a Tik Tok of her singing the song. This, on top of the speculation that already existed, was all the confirmation we needed to know what was happening. Liam also filmed a few episodes of a podcast Happy Hour with veteran YouTuber JaackMaate on his show, where he and his friends chat with people about their jobs and their lives in a relaxed way. And! If you bought tickets to LP Act 3, check your inbox - Liam has sent information on how to access the concert, and also some pre-emptive tech support links. I don’t know if that’s a good sign or a bad one.

Niall was, again, very busy with promo, appearing on Live with Ryan Secrest and hitting all of the Royal Albert Hall talking points we’ve been hearing, but he also took the time to interact with fans on Twitter! He tells us that he’s not going to be doing anything for Halloween (“can’t go anywhere in big groups”), that he loves Bruce Springsteen, and that he’ll do a live striptease if “Slow Hands” passes a billion streams by next week. Look, I know I keep saying this, but, uh #PLEASEdontstripitdownNiall. BUT! Do show us more of your skincare routine, which is what he did on insta: he posted a pic of himself in a facemask saying, “You’ll all be saying after RAH, ‘Niall you were glowing!’ and I’ll say… ‘I know’”.

And, Louis showed us how quickly he works when he has a goal in mind: after the unfortunate matter of merch shipping only to certain regions of the world yesterday, Backstreet Merch (the company in charge of his stuff) quickly took to twitter to say that, “We will be expanding our shipping zones to all of South America and India...within the next 48 hours.” And that’s exactly what happened! Not only that, Central America and Singapore are also on the list (catch ALL OF MY FAMILY rocking their Walls merch), although Mexico is not, and Backstreet Merch has said they have no current plans to ship to Mexico, which, hmmm. But look, I just gotta say that in 48 hours, Louis listened to his fans who have supported him (he sold out TWO stadiums in Argentina!) and quickly made his merch more accessible. Honestly, I love this man. And those countries certainly deserve it – can your country say Walls was its best selling album last week? Argentina can! Both Harry albums and Heartbreak Weather were also in the top ten.

However, I may have said good riddance to Celebtm too soon ( :{( ). TMZ has picked up their second mess of an article and is now distributing that. On top of this, Michael Straus has contacted both Judge Judy and the People’s Court to see if they can get some cable airtime and settle the small claim on TV - which, to be clear, Briana has to agree to, but it seems likely. Celebtm (despite saying yesterday they weren’t going to report on this until January when the court case happened, okaaaay) made a statement telling Briana to take the TV offers seriously so that Louis’ “child support” (quotes theirs, not mine) wouldn’t go to her legal fees. They went on to say, “We only see #onedirection here. To #EndIt on television and win your freedom to love ❤️ again with the next victim. Thank you #1DFamily for supporting #louistomlinson during these chaotic #1D times”. We DO support Louis, which is more than I can say for celebtm. It might bring a little thrill to see a media outlet proclaiming End It, but is it a good thing for Louis? No. This is happening because of the response they're getting and unless someone makes them (mark this down cause you won't see me saying this usually but omg LTHQ will you please get in here and shut this talk down?) they won't stop with this nonsense (see: yesterday's Larry Stylinson article) until the fans stop cheering them on. Speaking of nonsense on Instagram, Lou the golden retriever, the influencer dog fans headcanon-ed was the one HSHQ posted, decided he wanted a piece of the pie and has joined the swollen ranks of accounts falsely claiming a connection to Harry. There are many, including deuxmoi who post an endless stream of made up stories, but also the occasional credible sounding fan report such as yesterday's of Harry at a gym in the UK, and, um, WOW! It’s one of those fitness classes where you alternate your running pace to accelerate your heart rate, and the fan account claimed that Harry’s base pace (that is, comfortable running pace) is 10 mph, which is a 6 minute mile, or a 5k in 18 minutes. Uh, WHAT?? Guys, that’s it: I’m officially a stan, I love this man, and I want to go on a run with him.

#harry #zayn #niall #louis #okay a few things #i cannot tell you how much i dislike writing about the celebtm thing #i mean sometimes we have some really fun upbeat days (like today or Monday!)#then in comes celebtm and here we go again with this #like no <3 #i dont like it #and i want so many good things for Louis and this just seems to get messier and messier #and i want to reiterate that i dont want my posts reposted to instagram in particular right not #*now #we work hard on these but its for yall and for us not for some shitty gossip site #and they have proven to be really shitty #and yeah were asking for LTHQ to do something like PLEASE shut this convo down #also massive shout out to discourse without whom todays post would not have gone up #because i would have binned it the moment celebtm reopened their mouths #i love her lots #*her = discourse #and our blog titles match now !!! yay!!!#anyways!#song of the day!#Changes by Cam #because OF COURSE!!!!!

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kramlabs · 2 years

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Let’s talk about mind worms. According to USA Today, the “State of the Union Address” is usually delivered by the president in late January or early February, with the last one given by President Trump on February 4, 2020.

Biden’s first state of the union address has now been scheduled for March 1, 2022 — a month later than usual. He’s just a little slow. Or is it something else?

(I say his “first” state of the union because last year it was delayed until late April “for safety,” and it wasn’t a SOTU anyway — the media explained that, since it was Biden’s first term, he didn’t have much to report.)

I have a mind worm for you. There’s an interesting political dynamic shaping up, a kind of political vice grip that might just be driving federal Covid policy toward authenticity and an end to the pandemic. As we’ll see in the roundup, a lot of reality has been breaking through lately. Sure, some stubborn pockets of ignorance remain, perhaps even at the highest court, parts of which don’t seem to have gotten the memo about the death of the Narrative.

Remember how last week a federal judge ordered the FDA to go ahead and release all the Pfizer data? The data that the federal government (the FDA) wanted to take 75 years to reveal? Well, the bulk of it is due ON MARCH 1 — oddly, the same day as Biden’s SOTU.

By March 1, the floodgates are going to open up and 55,000 documents per month will start washing through. Using my lawyer brain, if I were Pfizer, you know what I would have written all through those documents? A lot of WEASEL WORDS. A weasel word is a squishy qualifier, an out. Like, “we can’t absolutely guarantee there won’t be deaths from these drugs,” or, “evidence suggests the vaccines may not prevent all infections.” That way, later, you can’t hold us to account. Because we TOLD you.

Who knows? I’m just guessing. But we DO know that the FDA fought, kicking and screaming, to prevent the release of the Pfizer docs. So whatever is in them probably does NOT support the Narrative, or at least, is politically embarrassing. Otherwise they’d have been published before now. It seems like a fair guess. And it couldn’t have happened at a worse time for Joe Biden.

There are lots of solid reasons for Biden to want some positive Covid developments to talk about at the SOTU. Maybe the biggest one is that it’s his last chance to get the Nation’s attention prior to the 2022 Congressional election season. The Democrats learned the hard way last November that Covid mitigation policy is politically radioactive. It’s bad for business right down to the local races. Just look at Virginia.

The SOTU is Biden’s last chance to help move the needle back toward blue.

Think about it. If at the SOTU, Biden talks doom and gloom and three-layer N2000 masks and ninth boosters and college-by-Zoom, it will be like ripping the ejector cord on Dems all over the country who could lose their seats up AND down the ticket. Another HUGE problem is that teacher’s unions are drafting behind all the “doom and gloom” talk and using it as an excuse for lazy teachers to not work and phone it in from Cabo. And that, in turn, is fueling the soccer-mom revolution, aggravating working parents, and painting a lot of formerly lifelong Democrats bright red in permanent ink. Just look at Florida.

But Biden has another option. He doesn’t have to talk doom and gloom. Instead, he can say Mission Accomplished! Biden can claim success — he DID shut down the virus! He can be the liberator; the great emancipator who freed the country from all these horrible … but unfortunately necessary … imposed reluctantly but following the science … Covid policies. See? It’s done! Boosters worked! Masking worked! Lockdowns worked! It all worked, just like he promised it would. Promise: kept.

If they handle this right, they can give their voting base and sycophantic media agents all the necessary talking points to boost Dem prospects for the midterm elections.

But here’s the thing. To credibly pull this off, they have to start NOW. And they have to be quick: they only have a couple months to turn the Titanic around. It is going to cause a lot of whiplash and mental hyperextension injuries to pro-mandate fanatics.

Still, they have some excellent tools handily at the top of their tool bag, don’t they? One possibility could be ending the testing. That will get cases down. And guess what? They’re backing off universal testing. Another easy move would be changing the definition of a Covid death back to what it always would have been before March 2020. All you have to do is update the website. And you’ll never guess what Walensky said over the weekend.

Panicky CDC Director Rochelle Walensky went on Fox News this weekend — FOX! — and was interviewed by Bret Baier. He asked her “how many of the 836,000 deaths in the U.S. linked to Covid are FROM Covid or how many are WITH Covid?” Director Walensky said something about how it takes a few weeks to get it together but “those data will be forthcoming.”

Until about ten minutes ago, the CDC said it didn’t HAVE any way to track that kind of information. Why would it? But now, apparently, CDC plans to release information about deaths from and with. What do you want to bet they’ll be REDUCING total Covid deaths shortly? By a lot.

It’s not just here in the U.S. The UK Daily Mail published an article on Saturday headlined, “‘Gloomster’ scientists admit they were wrong about 75,000 Omicron deaths.” Whoops! The experts were wrong? Say it isn’t so. And I bet you can guess which DIRECTION the experts were wrong. That’s right, fewer deaths. It’s an Omicron miracle!

Yesterday, New York Governor Hochul announced that almost HALF of patients are hospitalized for “non-Covid reasons,” scattering the rotting corpse of the Narrative. You might recall that just last week she ordered hospitals to start breaking down the reported figures and showing how many folks ACTUALLY are sick with Covid versus just testing positive in the hospital.

We’ve been yelling about overcounting hospitalizations for two years now and they just noticed? Just now? Some some reason? Convenient timing.

Yesterday, the Guardian UK ran a story headlined, “End mass jabs and live with Covid, says ex-head of vaccine taskforce.” It says Dr. Clive Dix — former chairman of the UK’s vaccine taskforce — has called for a “major rethink” of the UK’s Covid strategy, in effect reversing the approach of the past two years and returning to a “new normality”.

Shocking the cores the oft-maligned authors of the Great Barrington Declaration, Dr. Dix — without getting cancelled — said this:

> “We need to analyse whether we use the current booster campaign to ensure the vulnerable are protected, if this is seen to be necessary,” he said. “Mass population-based vaccination in the UK should now end.”

Ending mass vaccinations? Suddenly that idea is okay to discuss in the corporate media? Wow.

Here in Florida, the deep blue Sun Sentinel ran an article over the weekend headlined, “Florida’s COVID cases and hospitalizations are surging, but the state has the second-lowest death rate in the nation. What’s going on?” The article BEGINS by noting that, despite high case numbers, Florida’s death rate is the LOWEST in the country — except for Alaska. Alaska!

What incredibly powerful force could make the Sun Sentinel downplay the pandemic like this? So. Weird.

For its part, Florida announced that its official policy will now be to only test high-risk folks and folks who are symptomatic. About a week ago, the University of Florida shuttered its Covid dashboard — the dashboard that reported a daily ticker of student Covid cases. And they pulled the plug smack dab in the middle of an Omicron surge. Until about five seconds ago, “cases” were the red meat needed to feed the University’s voracious Covid mandates.

But the best example I can give you is that they promptly came out and fact-checked liberal-darling Justice Sotomayor. I am not making this up. You’ll recall that Sotomayor confidently told the lawyers during oral argument Friday that “100,000” children were in critical care and on ventilators with Omicron. The lawyers didn’t challenge her even though there aren’t that many total ICU beds in the whole country. But on Saturday — the next day! — the Washington Post ran an article headlined, “Sotomayor’s false claim that ‘over 100,000’ children are in ‘serious condition’ with covid.”

FALSE CLAIM?? What?? Here’s how the fact-checking article ended:

> “It’s important for Supreme Court justices to make rulings based on correct data. … But Sotomayor during an oral argument offered a figure — 100,000 children in “serious condition … many on ventilators” — that is absurdly high. She earns Four Pinocchios.”

It might be unprecedented for a major liberal newspaper to call out a liberal Justice. What could be going on?

By the way, this is the same WaPo article that discussed the Amicus brief I filed last Thursday. Think about that. And they didn’t just MENTION our Omicron brief, they LINKED to it. I know, it’s unbelievable. Here’s the link to the WaPo article: https://tinyurl.com/2p8wnjzk. Here’s the link to our brief that it shared: https://tinyurl.com/562j32h5.

There is even good news breaking from Australia, if you can imagine that. Yesterday (today in Australia), an Ozzie federal judge promptly released forcibly-quarantined Serbian tennis player Novak Djokovic. The judge overturned the government’s decision to cancel Djokovic’s visa, ordered his immediate release and instructed the government to return the tennis player’s passport and other belongings. He even ordered the government to pay Djokovic’s costs.

I probably don’t have to tell you that, before today, Australian courts weren’t really pushing back much against Covid policy in that unfortunate former prison colony. Well. Maybe not as “former” as it used to be.

And, all of that roundup even omits recent developments like Biden not taking advantage of his “emergency Omicron announcement” to impose more mandates, but instead talking about buying home tests and Pfizer therapeutics. Or the CDC miniaturizing the quarantine period and letting folks come out of quarantine without testing. Or federal agencies taking the position that schools should stay open. Or admitting cloth masks don’t work. These are all UNPRECEDENTED things that have happened over the last two weeks.

See what I mean? There seems to be a LOT of sudden momentum surging in the direction of ending the pandemic.

If I’m right, we’re going to see even more of this, and pretty quickly, since Biden has to wrap it up in time to declare victory on March 1. Which would explain why they pushed the SOTU back a month. They need the time to get the pandemic wrapped up.

I could be wrong. And even if I AM right, we’ll still be mopping up pockets of resistance for a long time, and dealing with odious vaccine requirements and stuff here and there. But either way, I’ll take all this good news and enjoy it. 2022 is starting out STRONG.

https://www.coffeeandcovid.com/p/-coffee-and-covid-monday-january-caf

#is it finally fucking over #2022 year of the ass (cya)

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lov3nerdstuff · 3 years

Text

Voluptas Noctis Aeternae {Part 6.13}

*Severus Snape x OC*

Summary: It is the year 1983 when the ordinary life of Robin Mitchell takes a drastic turn: she is accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Despite the struggles of being a muggle-born in Slytherin, she soon discovers her passion for Potions, and even manages the impossible: gaining the favor of Severus Snape. Throughout the years, Robin finds that the not quite so ordinary Potions Professor goes from being a brooding stranger to being more than she had ever deemed possible. An ally, a mentor, a friend... and eventually, the person she loves the most. Through adventure, prophecies and the little struggles of daily life in a castle full of mysteries, Robin chooses a path for herself, an unlikely friendship blossoms into something more, and two people abandoned by the world can finally find a home.

General warnings: professor x student, blood, violence, trauma, neglectful families, bullying, cursing

Words: 5.9k

Read Part 1.1 here! All Parts can be found on the Masterlist!

______________________________

The following day, Robin went to meet Snape in his office like she always did in the afternoons and evenings, only to find that he wouldn't even see her. No word, no explanation, no reason; he didn't even open the door. The confusion that had prevailed after the previous night deepened to the point where it turned into sincere hurt, but if he didn't want to see her, he probably had a reason. She darn well hoped that he would explain it to her soon.

And yet, when he kept avoiding her the next day, and the next and the next and the next, Robin fell deeper and deeper into a hole of heartbreak and doubt. What had she done to upset him this time? Had it been her words? Those little glimpses of emotions she had so foolishly allowed herself to show? Had he perhaps guessed her feelings at last, that impossible ceaseless love that was more difficult to hide the stronger it grew, the ridiculous amount of adoration and affection she had for him? She didn't know, couldn't ask him, couldn't even apologise… He avoided her entirely for the remainder of the holidays, didn't even show up to the meals, and kept his office locked with spells she couldn't undo.

When term resumed, Robin found herself looking forward to the first potions class almost desperately. From the moment Snape entered the classroom to the moment he hurried back to his office, her eyes stayed on him the entire time, while he however didn't spare her a single glance. It was almost painfully obvious that he ignored her, avoiding her at all costs, not addressing her with a single word even if she cut in with an answer, nor scolding her for interrupting him. Robin could've started crying right on the spot, out of hurt and despair and frustration, but she stuck to observing him as carefully as she could instead… Not that it helped much. He wore neutrality like an opaque cloak, indifference like an indestructible armor, a scowl like a knife. Facades too strong even for Robin to see through. And no matter what she did, how much she tried to get through to him, he showed absolutely no reaction.

The closest she got to grasping his attention, even if by coincidence, was when she accidentally grabbed her knife by the blade instead of the handle, cutting into her palm to draw a slow trail of crimson blood. A pathetic mistake, a sign of nothing but missing attention. Her focus in class was long absent and on other issues, lacking especially for any practical assignment she had long before completed to perfection anyway. Long ago, in the lab. Long ago, with him. And while he almost showed a glimpse of a reaction to the incident, it was but a fleeting shadow on the wall, neither graspable nor real.

It didn't change in the following week, nor in the ones after that. Snape always kept class time to a minimum, treating her like she was nothing but empty space to him, while he did keep up scolding the other students at every opportunity however, perhaps becoming even more sinister and punishing than before. If Robin would've had the choice, she would have preferred the scolding. She would've gladly surrendered herself to his wrath, if only he would stop ignoring her. Because honestly, indifference was even worse than hatred.

During the days in between his classes Robin didn't get to see him at all. He kept avoiding everyone and everything, even Sprout said she never saw him anymore when Robin asked, and while the office was permanently locked, the lab and the classroom were open to Robin as ever. She had no idea why he had left her this last refuge, the place that had been her safe haven for so long, but after trying for half a week to study in the common room once again, she had given up and gone back to her beloved potions classroom.

Thus she merely sat in the empty room every night, trying to study, trying to work, only to let herself get distracted by her own mind every single time. He hadn't spoken a word to her since new year's… and honestly she missed him terribly. But the more time passed, the more upset she grew about his behavior in return. Why was he avoiding her like that?! After all this time they had spent together, all those years of being friends, didn't she deserve a chance to make up to him whatever she had done wrong? She had always been open and honest with him, and eventually that favor had even been returned; why the sudden change? They'd had such a lovely night at the ball, if one ignored the instance with Morgan, so at which point had things started going so terribly wrong that they led to how things were now? Robin didn't understand any of it, didn't know what to do about it, and perhaps it was this hopelessness that hurt the most.

The hopelessness and the anger and the nagging guilt. They all pained her in wicked chases of mingled emotionality, and while she eventually could get her mind to focus on other things during the day, it was always the evenings, the nights that brought the pain and sadness back with renewed strength. It was then when she ceased to be angry, ceased to wonder what she had done wrong, and started to just miss him most terribly.

After a month of this misery however, it got even worse in an entirely different way. Cas started dating Simon, the boy she had danced with at the ball, which meant that Robin hardly got to see her anymore. Cas was gone during the day, no matter if weekend or schoolday, and in the evenings her body might have been present, but her mind was not. And honestly, Robin understood her. She understood her painfully well even, but hearing Cas gush about the wonders of love while Robin was so very heartbroken herself, without ever being able to say a word about it, was another stab to the back which she honestly didn't need, didn't deserve even.

With Cas mostly gone, Jorien started blaming Robin for the development of this relationship, and thus for Cas' negligence of everything that wasn't Simon. She never said it directly, but Robin knew that Jorien was mad at both Cas and her equally. It might have been unfair to blame Robin for Cas' behavior, but then again, Robin felt like she was being blamed for everything these days. In her defense classes, Morgan had switched strategies and tried to coax a reaction from her now, with any means available to him. Giving her unjustified detention, now that Snape wasn't around to stop him from doing so, lowering her grades, rising her grades again, flirting with her, insulting her… Robin believed she'd seen it all at this point, but Morgan kept things interesting with alternating patterns at least. Honestly, January had been hard, but February was even worse.

She spent more nights lying awake than sleeping. Evening after evening she stared at the canopy of her bed, hot tears running down her face out of tired eyes, in traces like rivers, unbothered and never wiped away. She had taught herself to cry silently long ago. But even when her breathing hitched from time to time, when she had a particularly rough night, Cas would be too far gone on cloud nine to notice, and Jorien would most likely be either too angry to care or long asleep. Robin had never felt so consumed by sadness, by pain and confusion, to the point where she just felt numb to everything. She hadn't felt so alone in a long time.

February brought a glimpse of light at least, after a long and somewhat exhausting conversation with Professor Dumbledore, but it also was just a pause on her inner downward spiral. She fell back into the habit of studying more than sleeping, and drowning herself in work to get away from her own thoughts for a while. Being tired all the time like that, she started skipping meals, more and more each week, until she hardly could remember when she'd been in the great hall the last time. When she was feeling hungry, she would just go to the kitchens and bribe Buttercup for a sandwich, usually in the middle of the night. Then she would go and sit in the dark potions classroom, grasping for straws in her mind, until she would either fall asleep at his desk or retreat to her bed to lay awake there instead.

It was the beginning of March then that promised to bring relief, but served only as an additional weight on her drowning soul. A twisted occurrence, so much so that Robin found herself on the shore of the black lake, actually wearing a jacket for once, long after three o'clock in the morning. She certainly wasn't allowed to be out here alone at this time, but after the many years of doing as she pleased under Snape's protection, she had become somewhat unimpeachable to the professors, and even to Filch. Nobody questioned her doings, as long as her actions caused no consequences for anyone but herself.

So she stared ahead over the lake, letting snippets of parchment fly out into the night, only to fire a variety of destructive spells at them as soon as they were at a good distance. Some vanished into flames, some were cut into even tinier pieces, some dissolved like dipped in acid. They all deserved it. They all had her mother's handwriting on them, they all belonged to the bloody letter her parents had sent her that morning. Gods, she had been so excited to hear from them… But as she'd read the scribbled words, the smile had faded, the hope had vanished, and the little care she'd had for good old mom and dad had once again been shattered entirely.

It was the first letter they had ever sent to her, and it couldn't have been more disappointing. They didn't ask about her wellbeing, nor did they mention their own. Didn't waste space on the paper with any words of affection. The letter was only intended to let her know that they would have three scientists from the States coming over in the summer, for a project like they themselves had joined last year, and that they would like to renovate Robin's room into a second guest bedroom before that. In their opinion, she could still use it after that, when she came to visit them at another time. Next year, perhaps. In their minds, Robin would surely want to spend the summer traveling with her friends anyway. Gracious as they were, they of course offered to pay for any expenses, offered to pay for whatever she chose to do. Or she could come home and sleep on the couch.

They had signed the letter with 'love, mom and dad', and while those were the only non-factual words written down, they were the only ones that felt entirely dishonest. The only words of emotional value, the only sign of care, and they were a lie.

Robin had scoffed, bitten back the tears while scribbling a quick but nicely worded 'whatever' in return, and then moved on with her day. Only at night she had been consumed by anger once again, swallowed by an overwhelming sadness upon that realization that there was truly nobody who wanted to be a part of her life any longer. Thus she'd gone out for a walk and taken the letter on impulse, and when she'd ended up at the shore it had turned into a true catharsis to rip the bloody piece of writing into shreds and punish it for everyone else's sins.

She returned to her room feeling a lot better that night, and while she still lay awake for a long time, she came to the realization that none of this was her fault. It wasn't her fault that Cas was being a stupid little girl in love, it wasn't her fault that Jorien was jealous and angry at everyone, it wasn't her fault that her parents didn't care, and it definitely wasn't her fault that Snape had abandoned her for no bloody reason. Because as much as she'd thought about what her mistake had been that evening, as much as she'd blamed herself and her emotions, she finally started understanding that she hadn't done anything wrong at all. While that realization didn't take away the anger or the prevailing hurt that kept on chipping away more of her heart every day, it at least got rid of the guilt.

And without the guilt, Robin finally started getting back into somewhat normal sleeping patterns, started eating during the regular meals, started being herself again rather than a mess of confused emotions and helpless strings of thought. If everyone else had left her already, she would at least keep her sense of self and sanity. Thus she started functioning again, finally, some time by the middle of March, but no matter how much control she regained over her life, over her emotions, there was nothing that could take that sadness away, nor the loneliness. There was nothing that could make her feel better about the situation with her roommates. And no matter how angry she was with Snape, how hurt by his cruel ignorance, there was absolutely nothing that could make her stop missing him quite so terribly. Nothing that could make her stop loving him despite it all. Perhaps she was the stupid one here after all.

… … …

It was the end of March, on a late Saturday evening, when Robin made her way back towards the dormitories, finally returning to her room after studying in the potions classroom all day. What she found waiting for her in the common room however, or rather who she found there waiting for her should have been warning and sign enough for her to just turn around and run.

The common room should have been long empty at this time. But today, she found Julius Campton leaping to his feet the very moment she came striding through the password sealed door. Robin's head snapped around at the unexpected movement, which had startled her more than she would've liked, and certainly more than needed. Great… with all that adrenaline in her blood now, she would need hours to fall asleep! Annoyance made her roll her eyes, but she walked on anyway. Until a hand on her arm stopped her.

"Hey Robin…" He said in a quiet voice, but with an insecure smile that didn't suit Robin's impression of him at all. Somehow, this guy had nothing in common with the boy who had pushed her into the whomping willow all those years ago. "I… I waited for you. Almost thought you wouldn't come at all, or that I had missed you perhaps… Where have you been all this time?"

"Studying." She replied neutrally and in a tone as calm as possible. She wasn't in the mood for conversation, at least not with a bully like Julius. Because that's still what he was, even in his seventh year, and he demonstrated it often enough on younger students during the meals. She was just fortunate enough that it didn't hit her these days… nor on any days, in fact, since the incident in fourth year. People still were afraid of her, after all this time.

"Ah, I see… You, uh… you study a lot." He mused, and finally let go of her arm. "Look, I was just waiting here for you, because, well… because I was hoping I'd catch you alone at last."

Ironic. Robin was always alone recently, everywhere, all the time. He wouldn't have had a hard time getting her alone even if he hadn't tried at all. A glimpse of overwhelming sadness bubbled up inside her, but she put a lid on that pot before it could boil over entirely. Not now… perhaps not ever.

"So you caught me. And now?" She asked almost a little annoyedly, and most certainly unimpressed by his boyish behavior.

"I, uh…" He stammered, rubbing the back of his neck in either nervousness or a pathetic display of what he surely must think to be a good looking body. Girls in all grades were crushing on him, and Robin had honestly lost count of how many times she had heard someone fawning over him in the hallways. To her, he was just a bully with a too large ego for his own good. Just like Morgan. But he was being nice to her currently, thus she decided that she would hear him out at least, in an attempt at politeness.

"You?" She prompted after half a minute of him just staring at her, raising her eyebrows in a manner that reminded her uncomfortably of Snape. Bloody hell, she'd picked up too many of his little mannerisms over the years… but every time she sat in class, she was made painfully aware that he too had adopted some of hers in return.

"I like you, Robin." Julius finally got out, giving her another shy and crooked smile. Not the smug one he usually wore around his friends. "I mean… I really like you."

"If you want me to do your homework for you, you should do us both the favour and skip the act now. Just get to the bloody point." She sighed, rolling her eyes at him.

"Wha-... No!" He looked sincerely repulsed by the idea, which made Robin frown even more. This entire conversation was messing with her means of repression, and she didn't like it at all. But Julius didn't seem to notice her discomfort. "This isn't about school! I… I just needed to tell you that I'm really into you, actually."

Robin couldn't help but scoff. Her eyes searched the room for a moment, looking for places where his friends could be hiding to enjoy the comedy. Or rather the tragedy, in her mind. This was pathetic! Even if there was nobody observing them, she was sure that people would hear about it before morning.

"Look, I'm not in the mood to be the subject of your friends' jokes tonight. I get it, it must be hilarious for you to mess with the odd girl who doesn't have any friends to defend her, but I'm not up to play the part tonight." She stated as factually as only she could, then sighed. "Go ahead and tell everyone I fainted with excitement, or whatever makes a good story in your opinion. Tell them anything you want and I won't even deny it. But just leave me alone."

"No! You… you don't understand! This isn't some stupid joke, I'm entirely serious!" He insisted, without the slightest trace of humour. "I love you, Robin, and I will not leave you alone until you believe me."

Robin groaned under her breath, and then studied Julius more carefully. He actually believed what he said, that much was obvious to her upon a closer glance. Gods, she really didn't have the energy nor the emotional capacity to deal with this right now. Hearing someone say such things while knowing that never, not in a million lifetimes they could be true was a new weight on her soul. A new stab to the heart, no matter who said the words. She couldn't care less about Julius, honestly, but what he did here was messing with her way too much for what she would still be able to bear.

"Well, we can start by sitting down, yes?" She suggested then, deciding that she might fare best to undo this mess if she played along for now. A little, at least. Julius nodded in an instant, giving her another smile while they both took a seat on the two sofas by the fireplace. At as much a distance as Robin could put between them.

"I have always admired that about you…" Julius said while Robin merely observed his behavior and expression. "You're always so rational and unbothered by emotions… Do you even feel things? Like… like normal people, I mean?"

"No." Robin replied in all honesty; she didn't think that she felt like normal people did. She felt so much more, so much more intensely. "I do not."

"And you're always honest, no matter what! Even to the professors, I've heard!" He went on with a smile on his face. "How could one not love that? You are so smart… smarter than any professor!"

"You say you love me, but you don't even know me at all." She replied in a neutral calm, trying to estimate his heart rate by his breathing pattern. But she needed to keep him distracted for that. "Tell me about that, would you?"

Unfortunately, he took her observation as returned interest, and thus he got up from his sofa and sat down next to Robin before she could move away. "What do you think why I kept teasing you years ago? I've always had a thing for you… And I believe you like me too, don't you?"

Robin groaned under her breath and tried to stop herself from rolling her eyes. His heart rate was perfectly alright for someone professing their love to their crush, he wasn't loopy at all and his pupils were dilated merely to adapt to the dim light of the room. No sign of forced infatuation; no sign of a love potion. He actually seemed to be sincere about it.

"You know what, yes, yes I like you too." Robin said then, and rose to her feet in one quick move. "Come on, I know the perfect place to find out just how much you love me."

There was no way in heaven or hell that he actually loved her. She didn't want him to, couldn't stand the thought even. Not because it was Julius she was dealing with; the thing that was tearing down her walls right now went far beyond a shallow distaste mixed with a never ending indifference for him. No, what she truly couldn't stand was the thought that she was capable of being loved. Because if she was, then it became painfully obvious that everyone she loved had chosen to deny her such sentiment in return. And it was much easier to live in the belief that they had never had the choice to stay with her in the first place.

Without wasting any more of the fragile time before her walls would break, Robin grabbed her backpack with one hand and Julius' arm with the other, and made her way out of the common room once more.

"I… I don't think we're supposed to be out here in the hallways right now." Julius whispered after a moment, but let himself be dragged along by Robin nonetheless. "Do you do this more often? Breaking the rules?"

"It's not much of a breach of rules for me. I have my own rules I live by. People accept that." She replied as a matter of fact, never slowing down in her haste.

"You're really attractive when you're being like this, you know that?"

"No, I do not." She sighed in annoyance, and finally she reached her destination. The only place she could truly think.

"What are we doing here?" Julius frowned. "Aren't the classrooms locked at night?"

"As I said, I live by my own rules." Without further explanation, Robin opened the door wordlessly to keep the spell disclosed as it should be, then pushed Julius in before her and closed the door after them once more.

"Woah!" Julius almost screeched when the candles around the room lit and flared up suddenly, once again without a word, and Robin rolled her eyes at him. Honestly, had that guy never seen applied magic before? Seven years of magical education wasted… geez.

"Robin?" He asked again, sounding almost insecure, while she simply went ahead to start on an antidote for love potions. She didn't feel like explaining, and at this point she didn't even have to act anymore. The door was locked, Julius couldn't run even if he tried. "Robin, what are you doing?"

She still didn't answer, and started pulling ingredients out of the classroom stock. It by far wasn't as good as the lab, not even remotely close, but it would have to do. The lab was her sanctuary and it always would be; she wouldn't violate it by bringing in an outsider. Thus the classroom would have to do.

When she moved towards her desk again, setting everything down to start cutting it up, Julius came closer to her again and tried pulling her into some odd kind of hug, but she pushed him away with a repelling spell before he could get too close. A mild one, admittedly, and he merely landed on his butt in the aisle between the students' desks.

"You know that I'm going to love you no matter how many times you try to push me away, right?" He asked, staggering to his feet before moving in closer to Robin once more. "Honestly, do you even know what love is? Because I do love you, and there is nothing you can do about it! I will-..."

Julius was interrupted when the other door in the room flew open suddenly, starting Robin luckily only on the inside while Julius however jumped in fear.

"How dare you breaking into my-..." Snape bellowed as he burst into the classroom, a display of anger and threat, but the very second his eyes fell upon Robin, he shut up with a start. For a few seconds he froze entirely, holding her gaze in an expression so startled and full of pain that Robin's heart squeezed together immediately. Oh no… she had missed those eyes so impossibly much, seen them in her dreams way too often, and not once had she imagined them to be stricken by so much agony. Did he truly dread her like this? Hate her even? What on earth had she done to make him hate her?! Fuck… not that again! She hadn't done anything wrong! But her eyes betrayed her nonetheless.

Robin finally looked down at her cauldron again with an angry frown, directed entirely at herself. She wouldn't get sucked into feeling guilty another time. And she was here to get rid of another issue entirely, so she forced herself to focus on that now. Without a word, she chopped up the remainder of the ingredients and simply ignored Snape like he had done with her for months.

"What, pray tell, are you doing here, Mr. Campton?" Snape asked in a grave and undeniably threatening tone, and Robin heard movement enough to assume that he moved further into the room. Probably to hide behind his desk like he always did these days.

"I… uh…" Julius hardly got out a word, and Robin rolled her eyes without looking up from her cutting board. "Robin… I mean, she dragged me here and now… I don't even know what she's doing. You really should be asking her, professor."

"He won't." Robin replied instead, voice as cold as ice and her words just as cutting. "But considering my specific selection of ingredients, you should be able to guess what I'm doing."

"Well, I can't. I'm not as smart as you are. But you really should stop this nonsense, Robin." Julius sighed, approaching her once again only to be pushed away as soon as he tried wrapping an arm around her shoulders. He tried again, and Robin turned to face him with an angry glare.

"Sit." She commanded in a cold tone, pushing him back onto the bench in the opposite aisle with a single wordless spell.

"When will you just accept that I love you?" He sighed, but stayed sitting where he'd been placed nonetheless. "I admit, I think it's adorable that you're so stubbornly trying to prove me wrong… But no matter what you do, you won't be able to. I love you, Robin. And I want to be with you."

"Oh just shut up, will you?" Robin groaned with an angry frown while she stirred the bubbling liquid in her cauldron. Five more minutes… she could suffer through five more minutes of all this. "You don't know what you're saying."

"Of course I know what I'm saying!" He protested, and Robin sighed in return. This was getting more exhausting by the minute, and trying to avoid looking at Snape –who surprisingly enough was still around but yet chose to remain silent– was getting almost impossible. And Julius really wasn't making this any easier for her. "I know what I'm saying, Robin, and I know that you like me. You're not good with emotions, I get it, but I know that you could love me if you tried!"

"You know nothing about me!" She finally snapped, yelling at him out of anger that he was annoying her so much, anger that she was losing a hold of her emotions. Anger and hurt and hopelessness. But as soon as the echo of her words faded from the room, the walls were holding up again. The catastrophe averted. "You know nothing about me, and you know nothing about love."

"Of course I know love! I've been in relationships before. I've felt the sparks and butterflies and all that shit. Just like I do now!" Julius shrugged, frowning as he crossed his arms over his chest. "Have you? How would you know love if you've never… been with someone? Intimately?"

"Bloody hell, you're as shallow as a person can be." Robin huffed and shook her head to herself. "Love isn't tingles and butterflies, idiot! That's infatuation. But I guess some people never get to experience more than that, so don't bother."

"What's the difference between love and infatuation anyway? Both makes you wanna be with someone, doesn't it? I'm sure I have both!"

"That would be like comparing a bathtub and an ocean." Robin scoffed, staring down at the potion that just wouldn't change colour to release her from this misery while her thoughts spiralled deeper and darker. "If you don't know how to swim, or are too afraid to learn, you'll have to be bored in the shallow waters until they evaporate right under your nose. If you learn to swim, to sail, to build a bridge… you can survive in the ocean, but you will always be held back, always fail in your attempt to control something that was never yours to rule. But if you're ready to surrender, to drown and discover unimaginable depths, you will be consumed by an entire ocean of raw intensity."

"What the hell are you even talking about? Who would willingly want to drown themselves?!" Julius asked in full on irritation, and Robin snapped out of her head in an instant. She hadn't meant to say any of this in front of him, but it didn't matter either. Quite obviously, he didn't understand a word of what she had said anyway. Perhaps it was better like that.

"Nevermind." She mumbled, stirring once more to keep her project simmering. "Most people will never know the difference anyway."

"How do you know?"

"That is none of your concern." Robin grumbled, and a moment later her eyes flickered up from her work to spot Snape leaning on the edge of his desk, staring at her with the same expression that would make her cry if she let herself dwell on it. She looked back down at the swirling liquid in her cauldron instead. After three months he was finally looking at her again… and she couldn't bear it without breaking. So much for getting better.

"Tell me how I can prove it to you. Tell me how I can make you see that I love you." Julius asked all of a sudden, as he jumped to his feet again to approach her once more. This time Robin didn't push him away, but skidded around her desk to the opposite side of where he came to stand. "Tell me, Robin… I will do anything!"

"Shut up and drink this!" She ordered harshly, filling a beaker with the antidote she had just made, and then pushed it into his hand. "Drink it, and I'll believe whatever you say afterwards."

Julius scoffed at the glass in his hand, but Robin gave him a glare that didn't leave room for arguments. Thus he sighed, looked at Snape who still didn't give any reaction but what to Julius must have looked like a normal scowl, and then finally he drank the red liquid indeed. For a few seconds, absolutely nothing happened, and he merely looked at Robin while making a face at the unpleasant taste. Then however he frowned to himself, then at Robin, and finally at Snape.

"What are you freaks doing with me?!" He spat at them, slamming the beaker down on the desk before staggering a few steps backwards. "Fuck… My head is swimming. Did you poison me?!"

"Still in love with me?" Robin asked him in complete disregard of his comment, quirking an eyebrow at him in nigh indifference.

"In love? With you?!" Julius looked absolutely horrified at the mere thought. "What the hell is wrong with you, jay? I can't stand you most of the time, and for the rest I'm bloody scared of you."

"Good." She sighed, then approached him with fast steps while he at the same time backed off until his back bit the door. Admittedly, it was good to see him terrified of her like that. Without a word, Robin unlocked the door and then opened it, which caused Julius to fall backwards into the hallway with a yelp. "Return to your room. Now. I might or might not have added a sleeping draught to the antidote, and I believe you don't want to be found snoring in the hallway tomorrow morning."

Julius nodded in fear, then tried to regain some of his dignity while rising to his feet, but before he could make any attempt to give a probably rather hostile reply, Robin shut the door in his face and left him standing in the dark hallway by himself.

On the other side of the door, inside the classroom, Robin closed her eyes for a second and took a deep breath. Obviously she hadn't added anything to the antidote, hadn't even had the time to, but she might as well make use of his fear for her in that regard. He undoubtedly believed that she had given him a sleeping draught indeed, and she was glad for her bad reputation for once. Even more, she was glad that it had just been a work of magic. There was still nobody who sincerely cared about her, and she found herself almost relieved at that, even if for a reason she did not quite understand. Perhaps because she wouldn't have to deal with Julius anymore, nor any other idiot, if she just was incapable of being loved. Or perhaps because it was what she thought she deserved after all.

_______________________________

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yuta-nakamots · 4 years

Text

Candle Light - l.hc ; Part 2 of 2 (End)

Pairing - College!Haechan x Ghost!Reader

Genre - Fluff but mostly angst at the end

Warnings - Character death, supernatural activity (you are literally a ghost)

Summary - As the resident ghost that haunts your old apartment, you take pride in scaring away those who dare move in, not wanting them to ruin your memories. Though your mission changes after a group of boys arrive. These are the four boys you allow into your space and your heart. One of them is the candle that supports you, and you are the fire that burns atop it, his beacon of light.

Word Count - 6.2k

A/N - as always, credit goes to @soleilhyuck for coming up with the idea for this fic. thank you for patiently waiting and giving lots of love to this series and please look forward to frat boy!yuta next month as well <3

Tag List - @sunflowerhae @eunsangelical @soleilhyuck @neoyoungho @carefreebubble @sly-merlin @jisungismymom @jimelonji @lyraaacle @peachy-yabbay @yomanitsgonnabehee

January 2020

News about the new virus was quickly spreading, as was the disease itself, unironically. You sat next to Renjun as he watched the news on TV and played a game on his phone while Jeno was lying on the floor in front of the coffee table as he typed out an essay on his laptop.

You watched as the newscaster stood in front of a graph showing the number of cases spiking up as he said “all local colleges will be migrating to an online schooling system for the second half of this year” to which Jeno let out a loud groan at.

“How the fuck am I supposed to do all my labs then?” he muttered under his breath, angrily hitting the carpeted floor. You laughed at his childish action, Jeno’s head whipping around as he looked in your general direction with his pupils shaking as he tried to find a face to match the voice he had just heard.

“Hey y/n, I think Jeno can hear you,” Renjun said nonchalantly as he continued watching the news station on TV, “okay, Jeno wait I think you should pay attention to the screen.”

He informed the other boy just in time as the anchor said “certain schools have disclosed that some students may still be required to return to campus for activities such as labs or other assessment events.”

Jeno rolled onto his back, letting out another groan that was almost actually a growl. “I don’t know which is worse. Having to go to school during a pandemic, or having to learn from my computer 24/7.”

February 2020

As more plans for the second semester were announced, Jeno did end up having to still visit the campus for his labs so he was occasionally out along with Jaemin who was volunteering at a hospital nearby, the same one your body was taken to after the incident, not that you’d ever tell them that though.

Jaemin had convinced Renjun to come along saying “we need extra help and it’s not like you’re doing anything anyways now that class is online” as he quite literally dragged Renjun out the front door.

This left you with Haechan, who was only able to see you in certain instances because he was still not totally sure if you really existed or not. He still used the scented candles in his room, much to your distaste, since you found yourself having to put out the flame nearly every night due to his forgetfulness.

He’d spend almost every waking moment on his computer playing Overwatch and whatever other games he was into, only stopping when we had to attend his mandatory online lectures. Even then, he’d still have the game up on his screen, barely even caring about the lecture.

Eventually, this irritated you enough, having been quite a good student yourself, to the point where you just lost it when you saw him pull up his school account and you peered over his shoulder and realizing how bad his grades really were.

“You shouldn’t do that, you know.” You spoke to him, hovering behind him as you read through the contents of his student profile.

Haechan froze for a second, surprised by your voice though he didn’t make an effort to turn around. “Well, you shouldn’t just scare people like that.” He retorted at you.

“Then don’t take your college life for granted,” you remark, not missing the high amount of absences he had even though all his courses were online, “I would’ve loved to have completed mine, but that just didn’t seem to be in my life plan now, was it?” You asked rhetorically, your voice laced with sarcasm to match his.

“What are you gonna do about it, huh?” He spat out at you. “You can’t force me to study.”

You rolled your eyes at him even if he couldn’t see you as you scoffed, “yes I can.” Quite literally, you moved through his desk and unplugged his computer from its power socket. A satisfactory grin fell upon your face as you heard his monitor die out and you look at him. His mouth was slightly agape as he finally saw you up close, your previously translucent figure becoming clearer and clearer to him with every second that passed.

From then on, Haechan consciously made an effort to cut back on his gaming and dedicate more time to his schoolwork, as he hated not knowing when you’d decide to pop into his room again and he didn’t want to risk more damage to his precious computer.

Sometimes he’d spend so much time studying that he’d even fall asleep at his desk, to which you could only sigh at as you fanned out the flames of his stupid scented candles that he continued to use before grabbing his blanket from his bed and placing it atop his shoulders.

March 2020

You found that you actually quite enjoyed spending time with Haechan as he was more entertaining and witty than Renjun. Though on a particularly slow afternoon, you watched Haechan as he went about making a sandwich in the kitchen, making yourself known to him by a light tug on his shirt before he asked “so why exactly do you haunt this apartment?”

You were leaning against the kitchen island behind him, not even having bothered to materialize in your semi-human form since you let him pick and choose when he wanted to see you or not. “If I’m being honest, I really don’t know. All I’m sure about is that this unit is my unit. It always has been and it always will be.”

“Well, what are your ties to this place? What does it mean to you?” He pressed on as he grabbed a slice of bologna from the refrigerator.

After pausing for a second as you recall your past, you told him “this is where I grew up, my parents moved here when I started elementary school and I’ve lived here for almost twenty years until I died and ever since then, I’ve just been here.”

“I’m sorry,” he interjected, looking at you and making eye contact to let you know he was being sincere, “I really am. You had so much to live for, your whole life ahead of you.” He shook his head in pity as he unwrapped a piece of cheese.

“Things don’t always go according to your plan, as you can see,” you stated before continuing on with your story, “anyways, my family moved out shortly after my incident because my sister would always cry whenever she had to pass the spot I was last alive at and eventually my parents couldn’t take it anymore so they just up and left.”

Haechan was unscrewing the lid of the jar of mayonnaise when he asked “why didn’t you stop them? Or did you try but they just weren’t able to see you?”

“They couldn’t see or hear me. I tried calling out to them, telling them I was still here, I was still alive, but nothing worked...and so they left me behind.” Your voice trailing off at the end as you felt a familiar pain in your chest at the memory of your family.

Haechan hummed in acknowledgment, spreading pieces of lettuce over the top of his sandwich, going silent before speaking again. “I think you need closure. Do you know where your family went to? I’m pretty sure we could--”

“No, I’d rather not talk to them.” You interrupted, not wanting to witness your family in pain again after having to watch them mourn your death in this very apartment. To them, you were a thing of the past and you wished to stay that way.

“You can’t just be cursed to wander around this unit for the rest of your life, or lack thereof. That’s a bit…” he paused as he wracked his brain for a word, turning up blank, “sad, for lack of a better word.”

You watched as he placed a slice of bread on top and pressed it down before biting into his creation. “It’s not like it was my choice in the first place, you know,” you strongly articulated, “if you really wanted to help me then you’d leave this place and let me wander in peace now that you know my story.”

“We both know damn well that you’re not gonna be happy if we leave you on your own.” And the most surprising part of his statement was that he was right.

April 2020

After your previous conversation with Haechan, the two of you started avoiding each other and you ended up spending more time with Jeno when he eventually came around to being able to see you. He was more of an easygoing presence and he didn’t mind it when you stayed in his room, he just asked that you “don’t mess with my stuff like when you stacked all my books up and turned my clothes inside out” the memory of it still makes you laugh to yourself.

You felt bad for Jeno, seeing him come home already exhausted from his labs and lectures, letting out a loud sigh whenever he entered through the front door as he was finally able to take off his face mask and allow himself to take a deep breath of air.

You’d often find him dozing off at his desk, his face resting either on his arm or on whatever page he had been going over. Sometimes, if you knew the assignment was important or if the deadline was near, you’d try to keep him awake by doing this like clicking his book or dropping a book on the floor. But if he was really knocked out, all you could do was just plug in his electronics to let them charge before bookmarking his page and clearing his desk for him.

On the night of his 20th birthday, the boys decided to have their own mini-party, which you excused yourself from. You didn’t want to get in the way of their celebration since you didn’t know for sure where you stood with Haechan and that’s on top of the fact that Jaemin still didn’t believe in your existence.

You stayed in Jeno’s room, softly plucking at the strings of his guitar which he had kindly left out for you. He had previously voiced his worries about you getting bored from always staying in the unit, which you found quite cute of him.

He came back to his room around midnight and you watched as he drunkenly made his way to the bathroom, stumbling in and nearly tripping over his own feet. You heard him throwing up into the toilet but you stayed put, knowing that you wouldn’t be of much help anyway. You recognized the sound of Haechan’s voice as he entered from his own side and tried to clean Jeno up.

Moments later, Haechan came into the room carrying a near unconscious Jeno to the bed you were currently sitting on. All Haechan had to do was merely glance at you before you were already materializing in human form to put Jeno’s guitar back on its stand and help Haechan get the birthday boy into bed.

Once Jeno was tucked in and snoring, you looked up at Haechan and he nodded his head in the direction of his room, inviting you to come over with him, which you did without much hesitation. You sat on the edge of his bed as he started up his computer as he asked you “don’t you ever get tired of just staying in the apartment all the time?”

You watched as he typed in his login information as you responded, “kind of, I guess. It’s all I know so it’s not like I really have anywhere else to go.”

“Have you ever tried leaving the building, or this unit at all?” He inquired while pulling up a page on google.

You thought for a moment before answering him. “No, I’ve never really wanted to leave because I’m comfortable here.”

Haechan simply nodded and stated “fair enough” as he switched tabs before turning to you. “I found this article the other day and I think this is relevant to you.” He informed, beckoning you over to him. You moved closer and read it from over his shoulder.

Certain spirits roam the earth as ghosts due to their souls holding onto the regret they had while they were still living. It is common for these types of ghosts to stay in a place that they have special emotional ties to. They often try to scare away people who enter their sacred place as they are trying to preserve it as it is in their memory, resisting change. There have been successful cases of exorcism for these types of ghosts, though oftentimes, it serves to only anger them further, which is why exorcism is not recommended. Edit: It has been found that the spirits often pass on to the true afterlife once they let go of the regrets they are holding and free themselves from the baggage that is tying them to their sacred place.

“Haechan, I already told you, I’m not leaving.”

“But think about it, you can’t just continue existing with one foot in the afterlife, one foot in the during-life,” causing you to laugh at his wording, “aren’t there other dead people you’d like to meet? You know, like Michael Jackson or something?”

“Of course, but how would you know if there really is an afterlife where I could meet them?”

“I don’t, but aren’t you getting tired of just watching people come and go? Aren’t you curious about the existence of an afterlife? You’ve been here for what, two years?”

“Three years.” You corrected, though he was correct about your boredom and curiosity even if it really was just in the slightest form.

You weren’t looking forward to when the boys moved out as it meant you’d be left on your own again. You had grown used to the four of them since you had at least one of them home at nearly all times. You didn’t want them to leave and you had even though about asking them to stay, but you knew it would be unfair to them as they had previously talked about their future educational plans.

Renjun already was in the process of transferring to a school or arts to further hone his skills as he was nearing the completion of his traditional core credits. Jeno wanted to study abroad and experience different cultures while Jaemin simply would follow along, having promised both of their parents that he would look out for Jeno and make sure he didn’t overwork himself though oftentimes it was the other way around.

As finals came around again, you witnessed the boys and their ways of dealing with the stress of their exams. Renjun simply painted aggressively while Jeno started stretching and working out more often and Jaemin, who still wasn’t able to hear or see you, resorted to cooking. You couldn’t believe Haechan broke out those godforsaken candles yet again, even after you had voiced your hatred for them, having to put out their flames and clean up the dripping wax as to not cause a fire hazard.

One day, Jaemin was finally able to see a faint outline of your silhouette when you managed to catch the knife he had accidentally pushed off the counter while preparing dinner for the guys. He really didn’t believe them when they spoke of your existence, he simply thought it was some kind of odd prank they were all in on, but when he saw his knife floating mere centimeters above his foot, he realized they weren’t lying at all.

Ever since then, you’ve enjoyed hanging around with all four of the boys. They each introduced you to their hobbies and did their best at including you in as many activities as possible. Renjun was overjoyed when he saw you lift a brush from his case and when you asked if you could join him. He was painting a simple sunset and was more than happy to have your company. Renju let you paint any way you wished, only helping here and there to blend in your strokes and fix some of the color gradients.

After it dried, you stood back as he hung the canvas up in the living room with a broad smile on his face. He turned around and you watched as his expression morphed into one of confusion when he didn’t see you behind him and he called out your name. You felt a sense of anxiety creep up on you, reminiscent of the feeling of when your own family were not about to see you.

You knew Renjun had it easiest when it came to seeing and hearing you so why was he having a hard time now? “Oh, there you are.” He said, when you came into his view again, seemingly lightheartedly but it was hard for both of you to feel at ease after what just occurred.

It happened again when you were with Jeno as he was teaching you how to play a few chords on his guitar, something you had always wanted to do in your active lifetime. The two of you had been going at it for about an hour now and things were going pretty smoothly aside from Jeno having to help press the strings down when your own fingers weren’t enough.

You were able to learn a few simple chords separately but right before you were able to string them all together, the guitar suddenly fell through your hold into Jeno’s hands that were helping you apply pressure to the strings. He let out a noise of surprise as he too could no longer see your form.

He blinked rapidly, thinking it was his own eyes playing tricks on him until you saw him relax as both of you witnessed your own body flicker back into existence. This time, there was definitely no denying what just happened.

Later that night you went to Haechan and told him both accounts of what was going on and you broke down in tears, telling him how you didn’t want to leave them just yet. He rubbed your back as you clung on to his shirt, your tears would’ve been soaking it if you weren’t a ghost.

As much as you wanted to stay in his embrace, he told you that he had to study for an upcoming final so you instead settled for lying on his bed and staring up at the ceiling as you let your mind wander through all the what-ifs going through your head.

You’re not sure how much time passed before Haechan finally climbed into his bed, throwing an arm over your waist. No sooner than before he lifted his head to speak to you, his arm dropped through your body and fell onto his bed. The shock was evident on his face as he watched you fade out from his view.

Haechan frantically reached out, trying to grasp onto something, anything to tell him that you were still there as he called out your name. You did the same to him, but your cries fell on deaf ears until one of your hands managed to grab ahold of his and he found your eyes, the fear in his mirroring your own.

You laid with Haechan as he slept that night, scared that you’d cease to exist if he weren’t by your side to validate your presence every so often.

May 2, 2020

One night, as all of you were in the living room watching a show on Netflix, as per Renjun’s recommendation, you mentioned these repeated occurrences to them causing a thick silence to fall over everyone as they processed what this possibly meant for you.

Again, you sought out Haechan’s comfort that night and stayed by his side as he slept because being with him made you feel the slightest bit more real, even when his arm dropped from your waist again.

Now that finals week was over, the boys were home more often, though Jaemin still continued to work and volunteer at the hospital with Renjun, leaving you with Jeno and Haechan. Not much changed as you still continued to stick to Haechan like glue.

May 14, 2020

About two weeks after you had first brought up the topic of your frequency disappearances, you were lying next to Haechan in his bed as you both watched videos on his phone. He abruptly turned it off and turned to face you. “Have you ever been in a relationship before?”

You shook your head, “no, I was always too bust for one.”

“Did you want to be in one? Do you want to be in one?” You froze as you looked at him, not sure if he meant what you’re thinking he means. “On a scale from one to ten, how mad would you be right now if I told you I might have feelings for you?”

You thought for a moment before responding. “Depends on if you’re being serious or not.”

“I’m dead serious. Okay, maybe not dead, but you know what I mean.” He said, poking fun at his word choice.

“Do you really like me?” You asked, unsure if you were thinking clearly.

“Yes,” he paused, “but only if you like me back.”

“Is this just a spur of the moment thing or have you actually had feelings for me before this?” You could feel your cheeks heating up and you were suddenly grateful that he couldn’t see you as if you were a normal human.

“For a while now.” He stated, shrugging his shoulders as if it were nothing.

Your eyes grew wide in shock. “I...Haechan, as much as I’m flattered, we both know it’s not going to work out,” your voice getting caught in your throat, “you’re human, you’re still alive. There’s someone out there for you--”

“Okay and?”

“There’s someone who you can hold, someone you can kiss and make love to, someone you can have a family with--”

“And what if that someone is you?” He interrupted again. “What if you’re the someone I want to hold, to kiss, to spend time with?”

“Haechan...I don’t know…” Your voice coming out as more of a whisper.

His eyes searched yours as he spoke. “Just let me kiss you...please.”

You let out a small “okay” as your eyes fluttered shut and you felt his lips meet yours. He showed you the warmth you didn’t know you could even feel as you allowed yourself to melt into his kiss. Had it not been for your body disintegrating again and causing Haechan to fall forward, you probably would’ve stayed kissing him until he was begging for air.

“I guess that’s the universe telling me to give you a break for a bit.” He chuckled while he grabbed his phone and unpaused the video he was playing earlier as he waited for you to appear again. You didn’t have to look at him to know there was a smile plastered on his face as you wrapped your arms around him and nuzzled your face into his chest the very second you could.

If you were considered to be clingy with Haechan, now you were practically inseparable.

May 17, 2020

It was a rare occurrence for all four of them to be home together during the day so Jaemin took it as an opportunity to gather everyone for lunch. He didn’t even knock as he opened the door to Haechan’s room, sticking his head in to say “lunch is ready. I made kimchi stew. Oh, hey y/n, haven’t seen you in a while.”

You whined in embarrassment due to the fact that you were currently seated in Haechan’s lap as he practically held you like a baby, cooing at you and littering kisses across your face.

Once Jaemin was gone, Haechan pressed a kiss to your forehead. “You’re cute when you’re embarrassed. You know that?” He said, ruffling your hair out of affection.

May 19, 2020

You watch with great interest as Haechan lugs a box into his bedroom and cuts it open, revealing an electronic keyboard. He had told you previously that he wanted to get back into playing piano, having played it when he was younger. You didn’t think he was actually serious enough about it to buy a whole keyboard which, from the looks of it, seemed pretty expensive.

You sat in his gaming chair as you watched him assemble the stand, handing him scissors when he asked and holding things in place when his own two hands weren’t enough. You didn’t trust yourself to do much else in case you randomly disappeared again. Your lips curved upwards as he plugged the keyboard into the socket on the wall and played a few chords, his own smile matching yours.

May 20, 2020

Sighing, you floating your way into Haechan’s room as you notice his sleeping figure hunched over his desk, a little string of drool landing on the lined paper he was writing on. Given that school was already over, you figured it was song lyrics that he was writing.

Haechan, along with getting back into playing piano, had also picked up song composition and lyric writing as well though he refused to show you any of the lyrics he wrote and claimed he’d be embarrassed if you saw them to which you rolled your eyes at. Haechan? Embarrassed? Now that was a rarity given that he was one of the most confident people you’ve ever met, not even bothering to cover himself up the few times you accidentally came in while he was changing his clothes.

But as confident as he was, he had yet to channel that into his lyric writing as he kept falling asleep after hours of trying to get them perfect. You fan out the candle he had been using and run your finger across his lip, gathering his drool, in order to prevent his from further wetting his paper.

You tried to slowly pull the paper out from under his head, doing your best to not wake him up, though your efforts were in vain as his eyes shot open the second you tugged a little too hard. It took Haechan only a second or two to figure out what you were doing before he snatched the paper from you while whining “I told you not to read them” as he puts it in a folder filled with other papers which you assume are also lyrics.

“I was only moving it so you wouldn’t drool on it like a baby.” You scoffed at him.

Haechan imitated your scoff back at you, “don’t lie,” he quipped, “I know you were going to read it as soon as you got your hands on it.”

“You know, you better quit it or else you’re sleeping alone tonight.” You threatened, knowing that your boyfriend of sorts has gotten used to your presence in his bed while he slept.

“No!” He exclaimed, his eyes growing wide in panic before he dove for his bed and gave you puppy eyes, begging you not to leave him.

May 25, 2020

At this point, your disappearances had become more frequent and lasted for longer durations, leaving the boys constantly guessing as to where you were. You could barely muster up the force to show yourself in your human form and physically move objects so you were glad when you realized they could all see you in your regular blue-tinted ghost state.

You considered yourself lucky when they told you they could still feel the gusts of wind you created while moving around, even when you became invisible. It may look stupid to you when you were rapidly moving your arms back in forth to let them know where you are, but it’s not like you cared when you knew they couldn’t see you anyways.

On this day, you were watching a show on TV with Renjun, though he could only vaguely sense your presence. When you heard the sink in the kitchen turn on, you left your seat and floated through the wall to see if it was Jaemin cooking again. Much to your surprise, it was Haechan who was actually doing the dishes for once.

You moved around behind him, alerting him of your presence. “Hey babe, came to do the dishes with me?” You rolled your eyes and rapidly fanned his neck, something you knew he hated because he was ticklish in that area. “Okay, okay, I get it.” He giggled while scrunching his neck.

“Is y/n with you in the kitchen?” Renjun called out from the living room. Haechan shouted back a short ‘yes’ to which you heard Renjun respond back with a slight laugh in his voice, “I thought she was still with me so I was talking about the show but I guess I was just talking to myself this whole time.”

May 29, 2020

No matter how much energy you concentrated, you just couldn’t seem to show yourself in your human form at all. You weren’t completely invisible to the boys yet, just fading in and out of your normal ghost forme every so often, though if you really tried hard enough, you could force yourself to become visible again, even if it were only for a few seconds. You saved your energy for more important moments like when Haechan shot up from his place next to you in bed, sweating from the nightmare he was having.

For the past half hour or so, you watched him as he writhed in his sleep and you felt your heart wrench knowing there was nothing you could do to rouse him from his sleep, unable to do your normal actions of slamming windows or dropping books so you felt a sense of relief when he jolted awake and looked over to where he knew you’d be, his eyes searching for the outline of your body to give him some comfort.

You forced yourself to show up, glowing faintly in the darkened room as Haechan was able to catch your silhouette before it disappeared again. His eyes bore straight into yours, even if you knew that to him, he was simply staring at a wall so you didn’t move, not wanting to leave his gaze as he spoke to you.

“Y/n, I hope you know that every moment I spend with you is precious to you. Whether I can see you or not, I know when you’re with me.” He confessed, his eyes starting to tear up. “I can only hope that I am making your last moments precious for you as well.”

You hoped so desperately to have enough strength to show yourself again to let him know that you heard him and felt the same way, but you were unable to. Your own wet eyes mirrored his as you reached out a hand to cup his face, a tear slipping out of your eyes as you watch your hand merely fall through his cheek.

June 2, 2020

You’ve come to terms with the fact that your time on earth is running out when you can only seem to manage to materialize once or twice a day, lasting for only about a second each time. You were upset that you didn’t get to say a true goodbye to the other three boys, wanting to thank them for taking such good care of you. Maybe you just so hoped that this regret would keep you with them longer, if only for a few more days.

June 4, 2020

When Haechan returns to his room after eating breakfast with the rest of the guys, you watch as he sits down in front of his keyboard before turning around to face his bed, where he’s guessing you were as he spoke. “Y/n, I wrote this song for you. I don’t know how much longer I have left with you so I rushed the ending of it, but I wanted to show you now before it’s too late.”

With that, he turned back around and began playing a melody you had heard from him before though it was different this time around now that he was singing the lyrics he wrote for you.

Like Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Moments with you are always special. I’m thankful for all the days we spend together, At times like this I get shy, but it means I love you. When I see you brightly smiling and dazzling, My wish of us being together forever seems like it’ll come true. I know the future isn’t clear and the past might be sad, But don’t worry anymore. Just keep adding days like this. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, I only have plans filled with you, I think it’s perfect. In my heart, my dreams were possible through you, I want to fulfill them all with you. I’m not alone, I’m with you, When I needed someone, you came to me. Even in the ordinary, I celebrate your preciousness, Please always stay by my side.

I want to give you gift-like days, you and me, me and you baby. Without leaving behind a single day, it’s only us. Like candlelight that never goes out, My wish of us being together forever seems like it’ll come true.

June 5, 2020

If you’re being completely honest with yourself, you’ve practically given up trying to make your whereabouts known to the boys, though they continued to speak to you as they estimated your location and if you were even present in the same room or not.

You wanted to tell Haechan how much you loved the song he wrote, but you were unable to. You wanted to do something for his birthday but you barely had enough strength to walk yourself from the balcony back into his room.

For the first time within the last four years of your existence, you felt tired. You had forgotten this feeling, what it was like to be tired and suddenly you remembered when all you wanted to do was lie down and sleep.

It was late already, the digital clock on Haechan’s desk reading 11:48pm as he stepped out from the bathroom, freshly showered. You eyed him, wanting to get up and kiss him all over, to give him the same love he gave to you, and you felt so helpless when you knew you wouldn’t be able to.

He lay down in his bed with his hair still slightly wet. “Can you believe it’s already been a whole year since we first moved in?” He turned his head, guessing at where your face was but returning his gaze to the ceiling to not make you feel bad before continuing on. “I never would’ve believed in ghosts if I hadn’t met you but now I’m always gonna think all ghosts are as sweet as you and that’s not good,” he said as he let out a laugh at the end, “I’m going to get myself killed if I try talking to a ghost that isn’t as kind and loving as you.”

Haechan went silent for a bit before continuing on. “But you would never let that happen right? You’ll be my angel watching down on me from above,” he paused as a sly smile appeared on his face, “or you’ll be my little demon waiting for me in hell.” He snicked to himself at his joke. “Ah, you’re probably trying to hit me right now. Don’t worry, I’ll do it myself.” And with that, he slapped his own cheek before telling you “I really love you and I hope you know that.”

June 6, 2020

As soon as the clock’s display changed to 12:00am, Haechan’s door burst open, revealing the other three boys with party hats atop their heads as they carried in a small cake with two candles on it, showing his new age of twenty. They began singing happy birthday and you even sang along with them, clapping your hands to the beat, even if they couldn’t hear you.

“Make a wish!” Renjun exclaimed once the song was over.

Haechan clasped his hands together as he closed his eyes for a few seconds. “Y/n, I know you’re still here. Before you go, please do this one last time for me.” He reopened his eyes and looked over at where he assumed you were and gestured towards the cake. You felt your heart swell with love as you took a final glance at him before using all your remaining energy to blow out the candle.

When the flame of the candle went out, so did your view of the world. Everything faded to black as your fire was extinguished, letting you rest in peace as Haechan’s candlelight.

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