#so now im just suffering

[slowtides]

i keep thinking of cool urls that i would totally be down to use. so i just make side blogs and reblog my likes onto them so tumblr thinks i'm using them. but idk??

#i thought of another one i rly like: moonriven #so now im just suffering

[inkskinned]

something bad happened to you, and you died, and you came back wrong.

not wrong all the way. the little ways. you forget important dates, stopped going out with friends. it's harder to make you smile. you're apathetic towards things you used to love, afraid of places you used to go to cheer up. quieter. flinching. different.

you came back for love. you're still here for love. what pulled you back was a brightness so loud that even death couldn't outshout it. death heard the call and smiled at you and said okay. go home. somebody is waiting for you.

but you came back different. like lot's wife; you've turned into salt. you used to chirp through life in hops and skips; but now you lose skin just standing up. you have to move slower, skimming across this world without-touching-it. most things feel dull - until they're suddenly all-too-much. life, and being alive just rushes up and over you and you get hopelessly crushed.

you try to explain it to them: it is ugly, but this is what you are, now. the huge golden hoop of your halo now a little bronze ring. you are still watering your plants and wearing the same clothes. after all, you worked hard to come home. this life; so odd and off-color, now that you are wrong.

but they waited for you - it's just that they wanted the "you" that happened before this. the "you" that could sing in the show and hug people tight and look at a blade without breaking down to cry. the you with a smile in pictures. god, holyshit, it's like looking at a completely different person, isn't it. that other-you; the one they actually wanted.

you are the consolation prize. you are the body that forgot the ghost. you are the memory of the bad thing, and the death after; like you are wearing that memory as a banner. you are a fragment, an assembly. simulacrum. you don't make eye contact in mirrors, afraid the light will glance off and your true nature will flash back at you.

you hear them talk about it in their hushed, desperate whispers. sometimes they even admit it to your face; harsh and violent, acid thrown at christmas dinner. god, can you just fucking be normal again. you do not remember what normal is. you had to climb so far to get back here; you are far too exhausted. you want to open the glass door of your heart and show all the gears. can you help resolve whatever got messed up?

you try so, so hard. you came back for them. because you believed they would love you, even when you were so horribly broken. because you believed they would be patient. because you believed unconditional meant "without exception." you cannot do things the same way. you just get tired too quickly these days.

you want to put them on a couch and pour them the tea with hands that shake more than they remember. you want to line them up and draw them a map of where you have had to wander. you want to show every bruise in a backsplash; the little helpless ant of your soul carrying all that weight, over and over. you want to say: yes! it is different! but i did it for love!

you want to say: "i'm not the same, but i'm yours and i'm here. can that be enough?"

#this is very obviously about my battle with #ptsd #but i think it's also like a pretty apt metaphor for a lot of things like setting boundaries or going to therapy or choosing recovery #i was thinking about the 'comes back wrong' trope and i was like. oh no i have feelings about this bc i have mental illness #and once i stopped masking - i was WRONG. i was different #here's the good news: i am now INNUNDATED with love. fucking swimming in it. excelling at it. the people who stayed #learned my new self. my new different body and how i am different but i am trying. they have held me so tightly #and my life no longer feels quiet. it is not based in my suffering. it feels like i have been growing a tree in my chest #and now it is flowering. #it is so lovely to be surrounded by people who have said - oh! you cut off so many branches i was worried you weren't the same. but now... #... this is just a new you. and i love you. and i love that you're different and happy. #(but yeah also im nb so i was absolutely influenced by Trans things)

[tiresomespaceplant]

the speed that you moved, the screech of the car, the creature still moving, that slowed in your arms // the fear in its eyes, gone out in an instant, your tear caught the light, the earth from a distance

alt coloring and original sketch below!

#hozier just beamed this straight into my brain and i had to draw it #wrestled with the lighting for a few days but im proud of it #back to suffering on my midtwrms now #dont mind that i forgot his glasses lmao i am tired #the magnus archives #the magnus archives fanart #also no i havent listened to tmagp so no spoilers pls #tma #tma spoilers #jonathan sims #martin blackwood #fanart #*boop* art #jmart #mag 200 #jonmartin

[stewykablooey]

yeah we’re right to make the dickmatized jokes about stewy going against his better judgement to back kendall Again. but this time it’s honestly fucking miserable. stewy has been trying to get kendall out since the beginning, since before the beginning, and then here he is at logans funeral and kendall wants back in. stewy backing him for ceo, yes was him letting kendall pull the friend card and yes was him letting his feelings cloud his judgement and yes was him being dickmatized to a dishonorable degree, but its also like. logan is dead. logan is dead and the company’s not in family control anymore and ken is halfway out the door and he has something good going on. logan is dead and one piece of paper has kendall diving back in. stewy’s been trying to get kendall out of logans control from the start and logan is dead and ken should be free but they’re at his funeral and kendall wants back in. ‘ken is your head on straight?’ genuinely i was surprised that he backed him because stewy wouldnt. because it makes bad business sense and because stewy doesnt want kendall at waystar in the first place. ‘what in it for me, ken?’ he wouldn’t do this but at this point its a resignation. its a last resort. i couldnt get you out when he was alive and now he’s dead and i still cant get you out so i’ll help you get it in because this is the last way i know how to help you at all. ‘i dont wanna live in a haunted house, kendall tells stewy, unaware that he already is, oblivious to the ghosts lurking around them both. they were fucking right. it IS around them both. in kendall’s haunted house the ghost is logan. in stewy’s haunted house the ghost is kendall.

#to now know the context of ‘around them both’ is to know suffering #the kenstewy scene really was just….like everything happening in it had me on cloud nine but i was also just. so fucking sad #and i couldn’t put it into words #like the resignation of stewy after ken tells him about the paper…….. #’ken is your head on straight?’ just felt like ‘ken are you in there?’ #jesse armstrong im in your walls #succession #succession spoilers #kendall roy #kenstewy #stewy hosseini #m

[kitamars]

lovey dovey (alt ver of the first one under the cut!)

#HEEHEEEEE GINHIJI BIG LOVE #so refreshing that i can mess around and draw them to my hearts content….. #so domestic here……..im sick cough cough splat #i love them so goddamn much you have no idea #all the little moments that are possible are so fun to draw even if i mostly just draw them yelling and arguing most of the time #i’ve read too much fluff fic and now this is what i have fhdnnfjdjfn suffer with me #silly men are silly and in love #sakata gintoki #hijikata toushirou #ginhiji #gintoki x hijikata #hijigin #hijikata x gintoki #gintama #ok bye

[endlesspaint]

DRAW YOUR FAVORITE AUS (but only John Dory) CHALLENGE!

Brotherhood AU by @0ketlyn-s & @tea0w0stache

World Tour AU by @year2000electronics

Not the Only One AU by @ryssbelle

Blast to The Past AU by @that-cool-guy

Im Still Here AU by @blade-that-was-broken

For This You Were Born AU by @blade-that-was-broken

Had fun coloring this but it took foreveeeeeerrrrrr because of school. As you can see from the "Im Still Here" AU, John Dory is just a tombstone 💀. It's because I made this before it was revealed that John Dory wasn't dead. I legit thought he was seriously dead so I did what I do best and use humor to cope LMAO.

(also-- Brotherhood!JD and NotTheOnlyOne! JD having the same pose makes me go 🧍🏻‍♂️So to cope, Imma just delude myself that this is the universal John Dory pose LMAOO)

#These are my favorite AUS #obviously I have more. I just couldn't fit them all #(maybe in a future drawing-- but for now ill settle for this) #I really wanted to add Brozone Diner AU but I wanted everyone to be Trolls-- so here I am. suffering from my pickiness 🥲 #yee #hope you guys like it #dreamworks trolls #trolls #john dory #trolls band together #trolls 3 #trolls au #trolls john dory #john dory au #john dory trolls #trolls world tour #trolls dreamworks #my brain is mush right now so Idk if im talking sense #i just forgot to @ one of the creators and now im mortified #I knew I was forgetting something--

[haunted-xander]

So. Fatebreaker, right? Ryne's biggest fears made manifest, daddy issues personified, yes?

He's an amalgamation of Thancred and Ran'jit, his face, his voice and his weapon is Thancred's, but his body, his fighting style and his words are Ran'jit's.

Throughout the fight Fatebreaker constantly makes comments about how only he can protect Ryne, only he can provide for her, only he has even the right to so much as stand beside her, to be in her general presence. He's possessive and obsessive, repeatedly asserting that she is HIS and his only. Which is exactly what Ran'jit says basically every time we encounter him.

But this time it's in Thancred's voice. This time it's with the voice and face of a man she actually cares about.

Ryne isn't scared of Thancred, she never has been. Even when she first met him she was barely even nervous (as clearly shown in Thancred's short story). There's a lot of different feelings happening between those two, but fear has never been one of them.

But now, after things have gotten so much better, she is scared of Thancred becoming like Ran'jit. Because if Thancred was just a little further gone, if he was just a little less compassionate, he would've. It wouldn't be hard for him to go down the same path as Ran'jit did, to be incapable of letting go of the ghost of that girl he loved so so much to the point he'd stubbornly grip anything close to her he could. He didn't, but the fact he could've is terrifying.

It makes his final words, words that are Thancred's, so very important. This is her deepest fears made manifest, but he still says he wants her to be happy. Her happiness not only matters, but is important to him.

#Now we -the audience- ofc knew Thancred was unlikely to go down that path #bc if theres one thing hes been consistent in even in his darkest moments its living up to his loved ones' wishes and legacies #the only time he even speaks against it is his conversation w minfilia in amh araeng #and thats more a case of all his (poorly) repressed grief and stress exploding than him actually meaning what he says #and trying to control rynes life after minfilia literally told him to just let her live her life goes directly against that #i think about fatebreaker a lot. as i do all things related to ryne & thancred #and to me its so important to note that hes more or less ran'jit with just enough thancred in him to be *too* thancred for comfort #its so. her greatest fear isnt even the thing thats been haunting her her whole life (being forced to fill in for minfilia) #its having her free will taken from her by the person she cares about the most (thancred) #and for him to be trapped in endless suffering because he cant move on #just like ran'jit did and was #its not even necessarily that shes all that scared of ran'jit himself #what shes scared about is caring about someone like that #because then she wont say no or try to be anyone but minfilia #(thats also why this fear appears specifically after things get better) #(because she was already ready to forsake herself if it eased thancred suffering) #okay im gonna stop now i need to sleep gnight everyone #ryne waters #thancred waters #ran'jit #final fantasy #final fantasy 14 #final fantasy xiv #ff14 #ffxiv #xander rambles #at this point i should make a tag for ryne ramble posts i make so many of them #tomorrow. maybe. if i remember #edit: i made it #xander being insane about ryne

[comradekatara]

actually i would like to see late teens katara in like. an indie coming of age dramedy set in the mostly reconstructed southern water tribe. and all her problems are mostly just petty 17-18 year old girl stuff, interpersonal conflicts that are emotionally resolved by the end of the movie. like yes there would also be political conflicts wrt the northern water tribe and the fire nation, but that’s not the focus of THIS movie. the focus of THIS movie is just katara being kinda silly as she grows up. no plot just vibes

#my problem w katara is that i want her to be happy whereas i want sokka to suffer #so i have a lot to say abt sokka suffering #but when it comes to katara im just like LET MY GIRL CHILL 😭😭😭 #(literally. she lives in the south pole) #LET HER BIGGEST PROBLEM BE THAT SHE FELL DOWN A HILL BUT AS SHE WAS ROLLING DOWN IT ACCUMULATED A BUNCH OF SNOW #AND NOW SHES TRAPPED IN A GIANT SNOWBALL #LET HER GET A FLUFFY WHITE CAT NAMED CATARA #LET HER HUG HER GRANDMA #ETC ETC #katara #postwargaang #ish

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

ok so

the instructions were for Wally, not the whrp/qa/You. which is especially interesting, because I think we all assumed they were instructions from Wally - after all, he's the one telling the whrp that they have work to do, he's sending envelopes (assumedly), he's sort of the driving force behind the whole in-universe project. he calls the shots, in a way. he's the one with the phone.

so who the hell is giving Wally instructions?

is it related to the distorted "extra" voice under Wally's in some of his hidden record audios? is it related to Sally's "monster"? is there someone else in Home?

just... there's a whole 'nother layer underneath Wally that i think is really scary. there's something else there, i feel. i Fear. i wonder if Wally is aware of it, or if he isn't quite as aware as we all - including him - like to think. how aware can a puppet be if they can't see their own strings (so to speak)? it's one thing to know what you are, and another entirely to understand what that entails.

#is there a puppetmaster? something or someone lurking underneath the surface? #i know there's not like... a Big Bad if i remember correctly #but im really suspicious that there is something Extra fucking with wally #like i really hope wally is acting of his own accord #but then again - what if its a mix of him acting on his own AND something else pushing him forward #is there something trying to get Out of home? #i think now of the 'im going to get it out' sentence from the about us page #i feel like wally is trying to stay In. i feel like he just wants to revive the show but he wants to Stay #so what the hell is trying get Out. to Leave #that sentence could just be talking about the show / memories of it #but now. im just. im thinking #homebogging #and i cant remember exactly but something about wally closing the guestbook bc it wasnt 'fun' anymore for some reason #i doubt the extra secret Something is home themself #because home seems to be Suffering to an extent from wally's attempts to connect with the 'outside' world #SO WHAT IS IT? HUH #i swear to fuck its connected to sally's so-called monster. the distortion. the spiral/eye pit. something looking through wally #which - no too many thoughts about that to say in tags #AND WHY IS WALLY DOING WHAT WHATEVER IT IS SAYS #is it automatic? like a 'oh. instructions. ill follow them' or does he Know who's talking to him or or or #i feel like an entire layer of the story was just revealed to us in one small simple marvelous update #who the hell is telling wally darling what to do...

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

More silly MXTX polls to mull over for the week:

#poll #svsss #mdzs #tgcf #EDIT: JINGLES MISERABLY: I thought this was set for a week...not a day....Sigh...... #Thought about doing this just for mdzs but there are too many characters for a proper poll and im not strong enough to do a tournement. #So now its just the main duos (+anyone else who manages to be a strong contender. Freedom of expression and all) #I think its fun to put characters in scenarios! I also think its more interesting to raise the stakes. #You may imagine any situation what gets all 6 into the same room for a Mario Partio Kartio event. #The question is who is the most cringe and fail. For the humour of the situation! #and yes - as always (unless it gets rancid again) I will have a comic for the results at the end of the week <3 #This poll is a shout out to people like me who are bad at video games and suffer whenever mario kart comes out at parties. #I mean it with my whole ass that I should not be given a controller. #No I'm not trying to hide my abilities or be humble. Dont do it. #Yes I have played a *lot* of mario kart for the wii. No I'm not good.

[skitskatdacat63]

2023 Brazilian Grand Prix - Podium - Fernando Alonso

#HE IS SO RADIANT ON THIS PODIUM I LOVUUUU HIMMMMMMMM #once all the pics get released on all the websites i think ill have mental breakdown pt 2 #my roman empire is hoping someone took a pic of him holding the hat in his mouth #real ones will know about my weird obsession with confetti....fufilled today #im so annoyed they cut away when he did his jumpy mario thing #he does it every single time they should know this!! #so thank you to aston's insta for the clips #not my best quality gifs which is annoying but uhhhh i am under duress from myself LMAO #i need to make a brazil 2023 moodboard just from my deranged liveblogs cause my god #see you in Vegas!!! what a way to end a triple header wow. it really made the suffering in cota and mexico worth it #now old man better keep up this performance istg #but like seriously i could wax poetic about his defneding and overtaking in this race #it was actually unbelievable the level of skill he has #to defend against the superior rb19 for like 30~ laps and then to be able to overtake it with his much slower car??? chills. #has anyone gifed his overtake bcs my god i fell down #f1 #formula 1 #fernando alonso #2023 brazilian gp #we do a little bit of f1

[mettywiththenotes]

Ngl Mic's reaction is giving me Nana vibes. The whole grief of their situations being brought up and wanting so desperately for it to end already, to choose the easy way out just so it stops hurting

Nana going from crying because Izuku wanted to save Tomura and feeling grateful to then shouting at Izuku to kill him already. Mic going from "if you aren't Shirakumo fade away but if you are come back to us" to then grabbing Kurogiri by his clothes ready to punch him and yelling about how he shouldn't have given him the benefit of the doubt

I think it's also shown in the way Mic lists things that dehumanise Kurogiri too. "He's not crying, it's just the rain" "he has no tear ducts, he's a noumu" It's so clear he wants this to be over already

Same thing happened with Nana and Tomura. The vestiges too. They kept saying how he is destruction incarnate, how it's too late for him, how he's a "thing" "not human", just like Tomura said himself

Mic and Nana just let themselves think that way because it's the easy way out. They put a lid on their feelings, and in the final war arc it's like the lids got ripped off and it's all coming out now

That's why I think Aizawa and Izuku sort of parallel here. They wonder about their supposed enemies. "Why didn't he get rid of us? Why didn't he kill us when he could have?" Aizawa asks, physically reaching out to Kurogiri. "I have to ask why he can't let go of that sad lonely past of his!" Izuku says, also attempting to reach out to Tomura in his own way

"That's where their origins lie" Aizawa says as he thinks back to those school days. And Izuku was in Tomura's mind, literally at the center of his "origin"

Even though it's painful for Nana, Tomura and Mic, Aizawa and Izuku press on anyway because they can't help but wonder whether things can change. If things don't have to be this way

#thats the vibe i get anyway #idk im speculating but #its weird how its taken me till now to realize mic's way of thinking is a little like nana's #in that they both suffer from the past being brought up #so much so that its like they'd rather squash any reminders of it because as i said its too painful #they want it to come back and be healed but at the same time dealing with it is just. too much #bnha #bnha 420 #bnha manga spoilers #bnha spoilers #present mic #hizashi yamada #nana shimura #izuku midoriya #aizawa shouta #mettys posts #metty posts #rambling rambling always rambling

[unreliablewordsmith]

raon is basically just a cat with scales like look at this lil guy and tell me he doesn't give off cat vibes

#raon miru is just a lizard cat #nobody will convince me otherwise #also if you're reading the tags #yes i was gone for a whiiiile #but im back now #so soon yall will have to suffer w more shitty memes hahaha #tcf #lcf #lout of the count’s family #totcf #trash of the count's family #trash of the counts family #lout of the count's family #raon miru #dragon #lcf cale #cale henituse

[harriertail]

if frostpaw being spayed does circle back around to 'rusty if you become a wild cat you get to keep your balls' TPB moment then can frostpaw go be a kittypet or something

#LET HER LIVE IN PEACE OMFG #and the whole 'riverclan cats are always kidnapped by people becoz they are so pretty' lilke. just let her go be a house cat im begging #whos the guy in TPB is it henry? where smudge is like 'he got his dick chopped off and now he doesnt even hunt birds and just sleeps in the #sun all day' PLEASE let that be frostpaw she has suffered so much xxx #asc spoilers #this is a stupid theory that will not happen but let me cope #thunder spoilers

[nattikay]

Kìyevame [speedpaint/timelapse]

So at last goodbye I will be happy just to have known you...

#im suing james cameron for emotional damages ;_; #avatar #avatar 2 #way of water #jake sully #neytiri #neteyam #my art #yeah so I was just listening to some music at work the other day and this song came on #and i know it's supposed to be like just a bittersweet ballad between lovers #but then out of NOWHERE my STUPID SKXAWNG BRAIN was like #hey actually what if this was jake and neytiri singing a lullaby to the memory of baby!neteyam instead #and guys i nearly just straight up broke down right there at my desk :P #so now im inflicting it on the rest of y'all. SUFFER WITH ME 😭

[cinnamonest]

>getting very close to end of P5R

>Maruki goes around giving people their ideal reality

>Game makes it a point to emphasize that he revives dead people

>"huh I wonder why he granted everyone else's wishes but didn't give the mc one"

#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA #i actually put the controller down and am now taking deep breaths #i have never had a video game make me feel this genuinely sick to my stomach with pure dread #i know its coming i know its coming I KNOW #it just hit me very suddenly #i have to take a break to collect myself Lord help me #i want so badly to be wrong #But i know im not because Atlus writers are GODLESS SADISTS that revel in their players PAIN and SUFFERING #im going to breakdown #'he's not real' i know. I KNOW let me be deranged #.liveposting #spoilers #i guess #i will be sobbing shortly i know