#that is something they would pursue. but they cant and therefore they dont.

[strawberrycircuits]

after your posts about it, i played portal 1 and 2 again and it’s amazing how much the facility feels alive, like in the beginning of 2 when glados is first waking up again and the walls are moving back into place they move so fluidly as though their the lab’s first deep breath in a long long time

ok 1. :o!!!! you replayed it bc of me what!!!!!!! 2. oh my god I KNOWWWW !!! something I've been noticing a lot of this go round is the panels you can see actively replacing and refitting themselves at the beginning of chambers, like glados is putting that last little retouch on it she can before you have to occupy that space for the next little bit. I just got done with the first escape sequence (which, btw, I have a new appreciation for in how it really endears you to wheatley. hes genuinely helpful and it's nice to have someone say "oh you're okay!!!" when you get out of a tricky situation when you. yk. Don't get that for the majority of the game. well done on the writers parts, it makes the twist all the more devastating when it happens hehehe!!!) and watching glados use the facility to her advantage to disadvantage you-- moving panels to trap you in small spaces and reveal turrets and even going so far as to move the chambers themselves in an attempt to crush you...... aaaah!!! and seeing the inner workings of the facility feels so much like seeing the guts of the place, especially when you get to the turret assembly part and all the bits with the tubes.... like girl that's intestines!

#I know i rag on wheat all the time #but i genuinely believe hes on par with glados in terms of how well written he is #they poured so much attention and depth into these bots and their stories man ........ this game is bursting at the seams with- #creativity and love for the project. yk. #also shoutout to that panel that just smacks itself against the wall at the start of one of the chambers. and the one that dances w a cube #< not sure if its supposed to convey like. glados's mental state having just reawakened? but i always thought of it as like #the panels literally have a mind of their own and will do whatever they want if a. given a power source [ie glados] #and b. not kept in complete and total control by an external force [ie... glados...] #i get that vibe from a lot of things in aperture. that they have their own whims and wants and if left to their own devices (lol) #that is something they would pursue. but they cant and therefore they dont. #aperture science figured out how to make a sentient computer and went ok. lets make everything sentient! :) #surely this will be a great idea with no ethical ramifications ^_^ #<someone remind me to talk about the portal 1 cores vs the portal 2 cores it fucks me up when i think ab their differences.......

[kaylor]

as always you are so right on your opinions lmao.. cr will always have a special place in my hearth but since watching other (better) live plays and playing myself I cant sit through a single ep.. matt is great but he is almost too descriptive we dont need all of that matt please edit it down a little king, and the cast man i loved them but they are not decisive people like i feel like poking them with a stick (except travis thats my #1 rp on that table).. the most recent cr thing I watched was calamity and thats kinda cause brennan is great and the cast was stellar abria, lou travis! sam when he is actually playing of others <3 but idk it feels sad like I have outgrown them.. :/

anyway love your mind as always and what is your fave d20 season if you dont mind sharing? I have only watched A Court of Fey & Flowers and I loved it.. but I have no idea what to watch next hehe

calamity was SOOOOOO GOOD you're so right. brennan really rocked up at critrole HQ, showed everyone how it's done, killed 5/6 PCs and ruined the rest of CR forever because nothing will ever be that good ever again. the sexiest table we've ever seen. "this is going to be a to whom it may concern - i cast fireball" BITCH!!!!!!

i think campaign 3 would have really benefited from a more elaborate or expansive session zero because the vision matt has for the campaign does NOT align with the characters at all. it doesn't seem like they're on the same page at all. the mighty nein worked because they were all random people, they all had something unresolved or mysterious in their past, they all had secrets, and matt gave them a huge playground for them to develop those characters with plenty of scattered points of interest for them to choose. and even though it was just as chaotic as C3, it worked because they weren't on the clock.

i don't want to use the R word but bells hells are being railroaded into this predathos plot and NONE of them had ANY relationship with the gods, so it feels really unnatural for any of them to really pursue this beyond feeling like they should. orym and imogen have stronger motivations but orym is extremely passive and imogen just sits and whimpers about it making absolutely no decisions. it's very frustrating as a viewer and if i were DMing this i would be so frustrated with such indecisive players. but i think it's also on matt for inundating them with lore and plot so early on. all in all it's just not executed very well and it's disappointing.

oooh my fav d20 season i think is a court of fey and flowers or a crown of candy (not super keen on the ending, but i would have to rewatch and have a good think about what i would have done instead..). acofaf was just incredible, hats off to aabria for making me so invested in a fae bridgerton. WAIT ALSO MENTOPOLIS. i have never laughed so hard in my life. mike trapp and hank green were a DELIGHT. just absolutely incredible character choices all around. really enjoying fantasy high junior year so far, which is nice because sophomore year was a bit of a slog i'm ngl, probably because it was live and therefore unedited but i struggled sometimes to keep focused. junior year is fucking crisp though, everyone is on top form ❤️

#i still need to finish unsleeping city and dungeons & drag queens #haven't watched starstruck odyssey yet either or the bloodkeep one #oh also partway through neverafter. which requires more focus and brainpower than some of the others lol #so i'm a bit slow

[bthump]

Let’s say, hypothetically (and i hope nones asked this already), that griffith reacted to guts leaving in a self destructive way that didnt necessarily throw him in a fuckin dungeon for a year (say, self repressed even more) so when guts comes back a year later griffith is still griffith but so much more fucked up emotionally, how do you think that would have worked out? And for guts, i cant tell what exactly made him come back? Did he find a dream (i dont think it was implied anywhere?) or did he think it enough to just be with griffith and the hawks again even if it means not being dear to griffith?

Second question first: Guts actually came back because he heard that the Hawks were exiled from Midland and hiding in the woods and being lead by Casca, and went to investigate. He intended to stay to help rescue Griffith and then leave again to continue pursuing his own dream, inviting Casca with him as long as she doesn't get in the way of his goal. Then, when they discovered that Griffith was permanently disabled and needed a caretaker, and Guts internalized that fact, he did decide it was enough to just be with Griffith and the Hawks again. This is suggested in his "Why do I only see these things after they're done and gone?" internal monologue in chapter 71, where he finally acknowledges that he shouldn't have left at all. Plus he directly tells both Judeau and Casca that he wants to stay to take care of Griffith now, while they both tell him to leave.

And now for the first question:

Honestly if it was just a year later, Guts was coming back to visit or whatever, then I think it would be... painfully polite and awkward lol. Guts hasn’t fulfilled his dream and is therefore not Griffith’s equal yet, so he’s not expecting to be bffs with him. And Griffith’s fucked up emotions take the form of extra aloofness imo, so he would treat Guts pretty much exactly how Guts might expect to be treated, but wouldn’t actually want, ie politely and distantly. In this scenario I see Guts leaving again to keep working on the dream.

I think what could be an interesting premise for like, a slowburn fic on the other hand, is if Guts comes back when he thinks he has successfully fulfilled his dream and become Griffith’s equal - say it’s five years later. He’s become the best swordsman anyone knows of, he’s killed a few apostles probably, he’s feeling pretty good about his skills, his dedication, and his achievements. So he goes back to Midland to visit Griffith, who’s now king maybe, and Griffith smiles coldly and politely when he sees him, is perfectly courteous, offers him a room to stay in, and excuses himself to deal with king stuff.

So still painfully polite and awkward, but now Guts is thinking to himself, what gives, he did what he was supposed to do. So he tries to get closer to Griffith, and maybe eventually directly confronts him and they have it out.

(Hm, an actual plot could be that Midland is facing Ganishka’s empire-building army and Guts returns both to be Griffith’s cool warrior bff and to help him out, and this would force them to work together and interact.)

Anyway so you get some days/weeks/months of strained awkwardness, Guts’ attempts to bridge the gap and demonstrate his worthiness, Griffith’s incredibly mixed feelings because he still loves Guts but he’s afraid of that vulnerability, throw in some moments where Griffith’s true feelings shine through and give Guts super mixed signals, like eg Griffith saving his life again or defending him to an asshole nobleman or something, it eventually leads to Guts thinking he’s still not good enough and planning to leave again after the war or something, or possibly just giving up on the idea that he could ever be Griffith’s equal, before a climactic event happens which proves Griffith’s feelings and forces a confession or something and they finally talk and make out.

#incidentally if anyone wants to steal this idea i'm begging you to because i'd kill to read a fic like this lol but i could never write it #ask #anonymous #b #a #scene: pre rescue #headcanons #canon divergence #ship: griffguts

[dasha-aibo]

if you dont enjoy living and have nothing to look forward to then what are you even doing with your life? you have some plans even if theyre stupid. everyone does. maybe youre worried youre overly ambitious but you cant do anything about that. i get feeling like its pointless to be open to other people when its guaranteed most people would find you being open to them irritating or upsetting. whats the point of being open though? most relationships have nothing to do with openess

even joy can be a false idol; the unhappiest people pursue joy and live the most unsatisfying lives. the happiest people are those who are contented by simple, shallow things such as extreme caffeine abuse, coworkers being willing to spend time around you at work, fantasizing about crushes, feeling proud of more successful family members. enjoying the warmth of the sun on your skin and scenic vistas. these become less satisfying as you age because stagnation is tiring

keep or start taking hrt and you will feel more comfortable as a person at least. know that while some people might not accept you because of your identity other people are rejected because they have sickness in their souls; because they are petty, depraved, hollow, joyless people. people see that their lives are pointless and understand that truth. yet even people who defy purpose can feel satisfied with their lives. you have a cute boyfriend. even if its tough to meet people, enjoy life.

i used to enjoy early morning walks as a child because i was a little hopeful, even though i knew i would probably ruin my life and other peoples lives. after wasting 5 years unemployed i ruined my life and other peoples lives and while i no longer appreciate beauty as deeply as i did when i was young i at least know that if i can provide for myself i wont have to care about my mistakes. but i am lucky to be unempathetic i guess

i feel like i have the potential to enjoy more things more deeply than i did when i was a child i just havent yet because i spend a lot of time being paranoid and dont see the value in most things. life is fairly meaningless and it can be difficult to enjoy meaningless things. drive down a scenic highway and you think how easily you can ruin your life by not sleeping enough and wrapping yourself around a lightpost.

alcohol similarly is enjoyable. gin isnt exactly sweet but it doesnt need to sweetened to be enjoyed. its just vodka distilled with spices but its aromatic or herbal or whatever. you can appreciate beauty in as many subtle or less subtle things that you enjoy and still never feel joy beyond simple contentedness. joy is an emotion that not everyone gets to experience as often as other people, but how important are our emotions truly?

if you were to die today then you would be dead today, what difference does it make compared to dying tomorrow or in 10 or in 50 years, really? so why rush to die? life is full of destinations we cant avoid, so why worry about dying or why worry about not being able to feel joy or why worry about struggling to connect with other people? whats important is whatever you decide is important and what isnt important is whatever you decide isnt.

more personal advice from me to you would be for you to try taking lithium or something. go to a psychiatrist and tell them you have anhedonia and you want to enjoy things slightly more or feel slightly more motivated and the antipsychotics or antidepressents they have might help.

even more personal advice; you are disappointed you cant connect with people as deeply irl as you can online. this is because people make fewer connections irl therefore they seem more valuable to us. so my advice would be to pursue both open online friendships and less open ones in real life unless the other person is being similarly open about themselves with you. real recognises real. or seek out people irl who are real ones.

like think about why people join cults. its because theyre deeply alone and are desperate not only for a sense of community but also for openness and connections with other people. this shit is extremely common and extremely normal. you are extremely normal for feeling the way that you do. very many people feel isolated, valueless and struggle to find beauty or enjoyment or satisfaction in their own lives. its common its like a part of life or societies or whatever its like natual

take a deep look at what you want out of living every day. if you can think of some things, pursue them. if you cant, ask why you keep going every day. even though you dont feel enjoyment and even though you feel deeply alone you still feel somewhat content about where you are or what you are doing with your life. your work isnt too hard on your body or your mind. your mental breaks are minor; a week without cleaning cleaned in an hour. frustration bleeding until only mild numbness remains

joy and love and passion arent necessary to have a bare minimum contentedness with being alive and living even if they can make it easier. they are also meaningless things themselves; their only value is what you ascribe to them. to feel joy you need to enjoy things, to feel love, love to be passionate, have passion. if you currently dont then you currently cant, simple as. it can be difficult to value things without objective value

imo the body or the mind subjectively values things. i valued the cute guy i worked with yet i didnt matter to him. i dont value certain family members who value or have their life revolve around or obsess over me to an extent due to perceived slights against them that may or may not be true. entirely arbitrary but again i cant bring myself to care; the body or mind values what it will.

people often feel guilt or feel disconnected from their community or family because they dont share values or ideals with them but guilt is also only an emotion. guilt is entirely arbitrary and is best ignored which can be easy when you barely feel other emotions as well. you can spend your entire life having the patience of an oak only to have joy sapped from you do to feelings of dissilusionment or whatever

i think the simplest thing is that if you feel disillusioned you dont have to settle for a negative mindset you can settle for the neutral mindset that has trapped you in a routine of wage slavery in exchange for assuanging guilt over owing society and family and whatever a debt of wasted time with hopes of forgetting guilt one day. guilt you remember yet ignore every day.

maybe im talking complete nonsense i dont know

my dad threatened to report me to missing persons for leaving the house (to go for a 10 km walk) as an adult. my sister defended him saying hes allowed to invade my privacy if hes worried. my sisters friend offhandidly said she feels like her family is invading her privacy in the same way without ever hearing what i said. my sister made the same excuse, being a flying monkey for her friends parents nosiness. i could wonder why my sister values being nosy so much but i dont have to

my sister doesnt value privacy because she is kind of dumb. im kind of dumb too. a lot of people are. i also dont hsve to wonder why peoples families are nosy. some people, even if they dont have negative intentions, dont have better things to do than cause problems for people who are currently dependent of them.

people everywhere are in similar situations and face similar issues caused by malevolent actions from people who arent malevolent and so on. theres a lot of pointless rot and you can either care about it or you can accept the way it is and try to either be more independent or condition yourself to feel more comfortable being deceitful. every difficulty has a solution. life has frustrating things.

whats most frustrating is that everything takes time and yet theres so little time and then you feel guilty for wasting time when you had more time available. yet youre thinking its a waste because you didnt do something you currently think will be meaningful yet in the future might feel is meaningless just like everything else in life. and so people who reach catharsis return to the hamster wheel of guilt until they achieve what never satisfies them truly

that is unless there are things which provide lasting satisfaction, in which case they should be sought out. which is why i think you should take hrt and try antipsychotics or antidepressents and see if they help. if they do they do if they dont they dont. also consider what you want to do and do it. and also accept that a lot of people may hate you, obsessing over other peoples opions is a massive time sink. not worth it at all

i dont have any better advice, so best of luck. ive read your blog for years and i respect you deeply

more specific advice is you can still feel content when experiencing things that used to bring you joy yet no longer do, at least

everyone thinks in retrospect they could have done things better and this is even worse when other people think in retrospect you could have and should have too. the past is firmly in the past and the future is loosely in the present. take guidance from the past, but anyone who says you should obsess over feelings of guilt likely has issues.

--

Thanks for all of that. It didn't improve my mood, but it did give me something to ponder on.

And also, no offense, but this is the closest approximation of a deep depressed lightly-inebirated conversation with an old friend you can possibly have through tumblr anon asks.

[herhours]

i forgot my mom wanted to go to lunch today until she texted just as i was sitting down about to start writing for the day

was kinda mad because i had that once-a-day-only buzz and knew if we went out i wasnt going to have it later and i was going to lose the whole day. i only have fridays and saturdays totally free and i want to, if i can, use the whole day unencumbered. but i went, of course, when i got home, had nothing, got nothing else for the rest of the day.

so that does make me think, real life is real life, i shouldnt resent real life when it gets in the way of me doing this thing. real life is more important.

which begs the question, why is this more important? is this even important. look. this is the biggest thing in my life right now and i know very passionately why i want to say this thing i want to say, but it still doesnt even matter to me. i want to say it because i think its important and i CAN say it, but its honestly mostly just because i have this itch to complete this thing and i cant be satisfied until it is scratched.

if its super successful i feel like i dont care. i dont even care what happens after i finish it. sure i would like that if it happened, but i dont feel like i care, i just want it to be done. i want to complete the thing i know i can do and i want it to be what i want it to be, and i cant rest until that is done because when i set a goal i achieve it, and i have to do this in order to have cognitive closure. and it has to be what i know it can be. THAT's the incessant itch that keeps almost forcing me to complete this project.

so im going to pursue it because why not, but like. i dont really derive anything from a sense of accomplishment (i have achieved things that others would feel mark a sense of accomplishment) because it always just feels like me doing what im capable of doing and therefore supposed to be doing. accolades and praise mean very little to me, unless they come from a particularly meaningful angle. when i think about the idea of success with what im doing i have known the whole time it doesnt really have that much meaning for me.

i have all this passion and need and it has to go somewhere, and this is the only thing i still have, i think. so im doing it almost because i feel like i have to, and dont get me wrong, when im flowing and its going well that is pleasurable for me and that makes me happy and i do get a sense of accomplishment. i want to feel productive and i feel good when i am.

but its like ultimately... i dont give a fuck about anyones external validation i never the fuck have and i never the fuck wanted it and that was nothing to do with why im doing this. im the only one who can validate myself, and i already feel as if my life is a complete waste from this point forward. i dont see any route to any validation or any meaning or anything that matters, because i cant give it to myself anymore, and nothing else can do it.

so, i guess im doing this because i have to, and its the only thing i have left, and maybe there could be something good that does come out of it in the end.

[fictionfixations]

jon and ace thoughts (i go off topic)

talk about NSFW seggs. its only mentions, thoughts.. okay. this is a really weird thought but its been plaguing me for awhile

and so like.. considering Jon's asexual, if they (Jon and Martin) ever did the thing, I'd think they'd take over the "Laughter During Sex" tag.

ive had this stuck in my brain for a LONg time. cause so like. cause people can not be interested in it themselves but say, like to make their partner feel good, or enjoy the emotional closeness of it? or maybe even not be interested in it themselves, or have a desire to, but willing to do it for their partner (okay that sounds wrong. but like. neutral i mean. not actively pursuing it, but arent repulsed by it either i mean, and thus wouldnt mind doing it for their partner, which id assume would still stick under ace spectrum?) this has been haunting me for awhile. i just needed to get this out here. its just some cute fluffy idea that's probably more them just acting normal, talking, yet the moment is a lot more intimate and close and lovey-dovey. dude they dont even have to move or anything like that, they could just sit (oh my god my sleep deprived brain said 'shit there' HAHA) there and be entirely content in each others arms, and itd be the cutest thing ever and 100% relationship goals but also in the event i ever desire to write this (doubtful because i generally dont write tooth-rotting fluff unless i have like an inspiration like that). i wont because i am terrified of doing a bad interpretation and that asexual doesnt even work that way in which.. yeah probably. i mean its probably best not to gatekeep or whatever and thats probably what im making it out to be but also like.. idk im just scared of being judged ig like 'nO THATS WRONG YOU IDIOT YOU BUFFOON YOU UTTER DUMBASS'

so im.. probably gonna leave. nsfw and jon far far away apart. because i mean i know you could just.. not make him ace. but like. ..no. that feels as cheap as turning characters trans just so they can have like straight sex. which theres nothing wrong with that in general because i mean 1. representation. 2. doing what makes you feel comfortable (like.. i mean id imagine if you had no idea how seggs worked youd have to ask a friend or something. and that gets awkward fast and thus its more comfy to just have what youre used to?) and etc etc but also haha it gets sexualized. so i perfectly understand that how some trans ppl might not be okay with that, just the same could be said for ace. i mean, there are two sides of a spectrum. for fucks sake im on the aromantic spectrum, it doesnt necessarily mean i dont feel any romantic attraction, but it still counts as on the spectrum, and therefore jon could be anywhere on that spectrum. he could be repulsed by seggs and find it gross or something, he could not have any desire to do so but doesnt have an opinion, he could not desire to do so but willling to do it with a partner, he could just enjoy making his partner feel good, he might just like fantasizing about it but hating it in practice, idfk theres a lot of different labels that nobody will know about, thats how it works, and things can vary a lot. and for obvious reasons no official source is gonna say what kind jon might be, its not even their business, which gives people a lot of creative liberty if they want to do anything with it. im just worried someone out there might have this stereotypical thought of what ace ppl are like and wrongly defending them, or maybe that the ppl themselves are uncomfortable with it or something like that. and i mean i cant speak for them, and heck maybe ill find out im on the ace spectrum who knows, but i still wouldnt be able to speak for them because i as a person, know i can feel and have romantic and sexual attraction, and that can be very different for people who dont have those same feelings or those who have no interest in it whatsoever. thus. to simplify it. my interpretation of ace jon is where he doesn't have any interest in it himself (or maybe he would be repulsed), but wouldnt mind doing it to make his partner feel good (there doesn't even have to be any penetration whatsoever), to do it for his partner, or to just enjoy the emotional closeness of it.

but im also kinda terrified im in the wrong here and this is a false interpretation thats not ace at all. so. yeah. just getting these thoughts out here.

#tma jon #jonathan sims #thoughts #writing ideas #acespec #asexual #asexuality #aspec #off topic

[lemonnngrass]

ignore this im way worked up

haha yk im really pretty fucking pathetic. its been almost two weeks since someone from one of my timelines ghosted me and im still in a fucking depressive episode and at this point im wishing i was back on alternia what the fuck is wrong with me

like of course i find a matesprit that actually contacts me frequently and then they leave me a few days later. why the fuck cant i keep a quadrant for the life of me

like yeah its so easy to fall into a routine with my moirail but theyre my moirail and its just so easy to be pale for them because they get me! but fuck, i cannot keep a matespritship or kismesissitude for the life of me! not to mention how pathetically i fail in every ashen relationship ive ever tried to pursue, because fuck thats not even pitiable in a good way!

and it stings because im so bad that no one sees any way i could get better so therefore any pitchmate that i have is just someone flushed for me whos doing it to help make sure i dont go fucking batshit and try to kill someone

and ykw it really makes it worse because it was so much easier to pity someone back on alternia, where their situation could be infinitely worse than anyone on earths!

of course some of the sequestered away highbloods had better lives than low or even midbloods but fuck! of course they did! so so many of us always had something to worry about! so many of us had to always be worrying about the past so we couldnt indulge in the present!

it was easy to hate someone for not at least trying to better their situation, or pity someone for scrabbling at the cliffs edge, trying to pull themselves into a safe place- but nowhere they could ever get, even with lets say a seadweller quadrant, would ever be really, honestly safe.

yeah if youre jade or even teal in some places youre just barely coldblooded enough to not be considered vermin, dirt under the shoe of the higher castes. but that does not mean youre worth anything.

its just like- fuck! so many people who werent even there make the mistake of "oh rusts must have tried to help other trolls at least a little bit" and its just so fucking wrong? even if you were another rust? they arent going to give a fuck!

they need to protect themselves and their quadrants, so if that means letting another shitstain defacing the glorious alternia(/sarc) get mauled by an angry highblood? then youre getting mauled. no one even tries to signal theres a highblood coming, they just scrabble away and you better know that means oh fuck run or youre probably dead as hell. no one fucking cares for anyone outside of their quadrants. it was a kill, let kill, or be killed world. literally.

if you were say a gold getting kicked out of your hivestem, and you didnt have an at least jadeblood quadrant, you would either die when the sun came out, or probably have to kill another lowblood for their hive. maybe if youre lucky a more lowblooded quadrant of yours MIGHT be able to shelter you for a bit while you work your ass off to get into a cheaper hivestem.

#venting

[apocalyptic-morals]

A ramble of my life-

I simply need to get this out in some way.

There are very few people in my life who would accept me 100% for who i truly am. but to be honest i find myself asking, why does it even matter? what does their acceptance do for me? i am fake- i am a mirror reflecting what i think other people want, and therefore to them that is who i am. i am who they think i am to them, a small fragment of their life story in their head. this is the first time i am being honest to anyone other than myself. i simply lack empathy for most people. im not stupid, im not socially inept. i know what reactions matter to what topics, i know when to act sensitive, when to seem warm and open. i know how to make myself cry at funerals, i know when to laugh at peoples jokes. i know when i should seem to care.

alas, i am not completely emotionally empty. the only emotionally bonding experience i am able to have is with animals, such as cats, dogs, birds, anything. i have absolutely no clue why this is the way it is for me. i have bear witness to many morbid obscurities, as a matter of fact i am pursuing forensics since blood and g*re doesnt bother me. however, the first time i felt any tears on my face in many years was actually recently, when i put my dog down. i cant remember the last time i felt happiness.

i truly wish i wasnt this way. in the same way people try NOT to care about things, ive done all i can to force myself to care. im not even considered a loner- i initiate social interactions all the time. i have a partner, a family, friends. i feign these interactions because it seems like it should be normal- if i didnt, my family would be worried, and would try and seek me help. this honestly seems like a hassle over something that cannot be tamed, out of convenience i am a mirror to their views on me. to everyone i am me, to me i am no one. i was raised to care about the people around me, i was raised to be kind and loving, to be normal and so as to keep up this façade, i do everything i can to live up to their expectations.

at the same time, i know its not normal to not react to things properly. if i had it my way, id be a hermit. very few things make me feel happiness, very few things make me feel sadness. very few things bring emotion out of me. this lack of emotions would make me seem like an asshole in many settings. for example, at work, someone who had a dairy allergy received cheese on their sandwich. even though i knew and understood the severity of the situation, i just simply couldn't care. in my head, i made the situation right for me, out of my own convenience. i could even go so far as to say had that lady taken a bite and something terrible happened, i still wouldn't care. any tragedy in my life that has occurred regarding people, i just don't feel anything about. im j hollow all the time.

my partner and mines bond is the closest to a genuine bond ill ever have with a human- its because they are kind enough to try and figure me out. they are the only person to make me want to continue life, and thats good enough for me to keep trying for them. however, i have absolutely no clue what love is. i don't think my partner would want to stay with someone like me for very long when they have so much affection to give, so theres no point in searching for answers. if they stay, they stay. if they go, good for them. they are the only person ive discussed this with. i dont know if they want to fix me, or what they want, but for now i don't mind their presence. living with them is convenient anyways, to say the least.

to put an end to this rambling, theres only one more thing id like to mention. whether or not theres a reason why i am the way i am, it doesnt matter. i am who i always have been, and i cant change. someone i do look up to is the character from dexter, dexter morgan. other than the fact i have 0 interest in pursuing homicide as a hobby, hes someone i see myself in in a sense where his sense of self is very similar to my own views. he fakes it till he makes it, and goes after his motives and goals (even though theyre completely different from my own). i look up to him because he eventually is able to form somewhat genuine relationships with others, and throughout the series you see a plethora of emotions shine through him. i simply hope i can do the same.

#mental health #dexter #dexter morgan #emotions #emo #poetry #personal #blogger #diary #autism #mental disorder #mental health isnt a joke fr #i wish i could be different but i can't be sorry for it

[outragedslime]

im so conflicted!!

#cant decide if i should be angry or not at the fact that i didnt get to grow up in poland #i feel so distant to my culture. i feel so disconnected #i know 0 family members apart from like. my grannies and aunt and uncle and even with them its awkward #i rly rly wish i could have grown up there? #i cant even speak the language properly and that makes me so sad #i cant wait to go back there i hate ireland so much #i mean i dont hate it i just. have enough i guess ! #i feel so trapped here. the weather the type of people the school system the size of to #size of the country* #at the same time though i would have none of my opportunities if i had grown upthere #i probably would barely know english and if i did it would be very broken #i would never have found homestuckngdjsgkjsdhgk #i wouldnt have met most if not any of my friends #also i probably wouldnt have been able to draw there that much #1. since no homestuck i wouldnt have had as much of a passion to do it #2. if we hadnt moved we would still b financially struggling and therefore no art tablet probably anyways #id probably be forced to pursue a bad career i hate #but would that happen? #maybe i wouldnt hate my career. maybe id find something im actually good at #maybe id have other friends. maybe id be much more confident and find my current ones regardless online #i mean 90% of my friends are online anyways so!! #man. im just so confused about how i should feel #i regret not being able to take part in polish culture and life but at the same time #would i be the same person i am if i had? #....would that even be a good or a bad thing? #kolo emerges #bleh

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

hey. so, u seem to be really great with advice and i am in desperate need of some... this guy i've been going out with seems to really like me (i like him too) and hes dropping hints that he wants a more serious relationship but i just.... cant. i dont know whats wrong with me. i am not afraid of commitment, i just CAN'T DO IT. i dont know why. i can fuck and kiss and hang out but GOD, the moment he brought up spending christmas together i wanted to run, run fast and far. whats wrong with me??

idk, what's wrong with you? XD

If you don't want a relationship right now, you don't have to be in one. A lot of people want to be in one for various reasons - loneliness, companionship, the knowledge that someone is dedicated and cares for you. But there are also reasons not to be in a relationship - timing, self-reflection, focusing on school / work.

I don't get the feeling that you wanted to run because he gave you weird vibes, but also, I have not personally met this guy. I trust my intuition quite strongly, so I often rely on it. Is it him specifically or would you have the same reaction with regardless of who it was? If it isn't him, it's you. A bad experience with a man / men when you were younger? A couple of toxic relationships in the past? Grew up with parents / guardians who had a bad relationship and therefore fears of having a similar outcome plaguing you? Something about Christmas in particular? It can be any number of things. It could be a combination or all of them.

Maybe the simple answer is that you don't want a serious relationship right now. You don't have to want what "everyone else" has. You can have your own reasons to not pursue romance. If it's too soon for you still, that's fine. Everyone has their own pace.

Or you're afraid it will end poorly. And it might. It might be a waste of time, but that's how life is. You take risks and sometimes it doesn't pay off. But sometimes it does and you find your forever. Never know until you try, right?

I'm the kind of person who thinks that if it feels right, go for it, and if it doesn't, don't. Do you want to wake up on Christmas morning with him beside you? Yes or no? Nuh uh, don't give me that overthinking shit, just answer with a yes or no.

Remember, there's no shame in either answer.

You feel how you feel and that's okay. Just don't be wishy-washy about it. Be clear on what you want for yourself. Relationships are not for the other person, they are for both of you, so both of you have to be interested in going all in.

[vampireqrow-moved]

um its my birthday so wait until 12:01am pst to block me if u hate this post 🥰🥰

long story short the pansexual label is redudant and actively harmful (its far from the worst problem bisexuals face but it is one issue) and i dont hate anyone who identifies as pan because A) those ppl are bi like me and B) i used to identify as pan myself.

if thats enough for you to block me and make a callout post for me then i cant stop you but pretty please either read this whole thing or just wait a few minutes for my bday to end 🥰🥰

anyways im kicking off this point with some personal experiences bc i love to talk to myself. i got introduced to the pan label at maybe 10ish years old, and started identifying with it pretty much right away. i heard about it before bisexual and it was pitched as attraction to all genders and of course trans people. i was of course a trans ally! i had trans friends! i was trans also but hadnt figured it out yet! the way i had heard of it, there was no bisexual, there was no need for bisexual, and identifying differently was excluding trans people, which I was certainly against. being bisexual was trans exclusionary and why would i exclude trans people? the 'hearts not parts' slogan was thriving around this time and i genuinely said it and meant it.

as i started to become more online, mostly through roleplaying websites and tumblr here, i started hearing of bisexuality. it was supposedly an older term, so older people still used it, but it was common knowledge that pansexual was the better, inclusive label and younger people should adopt the new inclusive language instead of the old and transphobic words like bisexual. /s

and then bi and pan solidarity was all the rage! pansexual wasnt erasing bisexuality, why did anyone ever think that? bi and pan were two separate and complete identities that were valid and had to be respected or youre a mean exclusionist. and an asexual person, hearing people labelled exclusionist always meant they were excluding people from the lgbta community who rightfully belonged, denying peoples lived experiences, and generally telling people theyre wrong about their sexuality because theyre too young. and all of those things were bad and had hurt me, so it would be ridiculous to change labels and support "pan exclusionists" because they were just as bad as ace and aro exclusionists, and they were all the same people. or so it seemed to me at that time.

then, 'hearts not parts' began getting called out for blatant transphobic by insinuating that pansexual was the only identity that loved people for their "hearts" and personalities instead of those gross gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and even straights who only saw people for their "parts". (STRAIGHT PEOPLE ARE NOT OPPRESSED. I AM MERELY POINTING OUT THAT PANSEXUALITY WAS SHOWN AS ABOVE ALL OTHERS.) many pan people, including myself, began to denounce the slogan and insist pansexuality wasnt transphobic, there had just been a coincidence that a transphobic slogan was everywhere and a huge part of people's explantions of and associations with pansexuality. hint: it wasnt a coincidence.

from my perspective, this is when i began to see people discussing dropping the word pansexual. that seemed to be a huge step from getting rid off a transphobic slogan, and these people were just meanies who hated microlabels. and i like microlabels! as a genderfluid person, and someone who has friends who use specific aro and acespec labels, ive seen how people can use them to name specific experiences while still acknowleging their presence underneath umbrella terms like aromantic, asexual, nonbinary, lgbta, and for some people, queer.

pansexuals dont do that. they dont label pansexuality as a specific set of experiences under the bisexual umbrella, they see themselves as a separate identity, and even if they started to, the history of biphobia and transphobic undeniably linked to the existence of pansexuality in enough to stop being worth using. but i digress. pansexualitys shiny new definition that many people cling to is that pansexual is attraction to all genders. bisexual is two or more genders.

which. frankly? doesnt make any sense. my guess is that its supposed to be inclusive of nonbinary genders and those a part of cultures who historically have not had a binary gender system in the first place. i cannot speak for the latter group, but as a nonbinary person, its not inclusive. anyone can be attracted to nonbinary people. literally anyone. theres no way to know if everyone you meet is nonbinary or not. whether or not a nonbinary person reciprocates those feelings and is interested in pursuing a relationship is completely up to the individual, regardless of the sexualities of the people involved.

bottom line is that you cant number the amounts of genders someone can be attracted to, thus rendering those definitions pointless. people can be attracted to all kinds of people regardless of gender, even if they are gay, a lesbian, or straight. all people can date thousands of nonbinary genders if all people involved are interested and comfortable with it. numbering the genders you can be attracted to diminishes the post of nonbinary, as it is not a third gender, it simply any experience not fitting within the western concept of the gender binary (if the person so chooses to identify as such. if you cant tell already, the nonbinary experience is varied between every single nonbinary person.) important to note also that no widely accepted bisexual text defines bisexual as attracted to exclusively two genders or even the "two or more genders". i know this is used a lot but please read the bisexual manifesto. its free online i promise.

some people also claim pansexuals experience "genderblind" attraction while bisexuals feel differently attracted to different genders. this is very nitpicky for whats supposed to be two unconnected idenities, but thats only part of the problem. this definition is also not in any widely accepted bisexual texts, and bisexuality has never excluded those who experience genderblind attraction. i am in fact a bi person who experiences genderblind attraction. this does not mean i am not bisexual. it simply means i experience bisexuality differently than other bisexuals, and thats wonderful! no broad communities like bisexuality are expected to all share the same experience. we are all so different and its amazing were able to come together under the bisexual flag.

last definition, or justification i should say, is that yes these definitions are redundant and theyre the same sexuality, but people prefer different labels and thats okay. i agree in principle. people can define themselves as many things like homosexuals or gays or lesbians or queers or even other reclaimed slurs, while still not labelling themselves under the most "common" or "accurate" labels.

but pansexuality isnt the same as bisexuality, which may sound silly but hear me out. it has been continually used as a way to further divide bisexuals, who are already subject to large amounts of lgbta discrimination. "pansexuality was started by trans people who were upset with transphobia within the bisexual community! it cant be transphobic OR biphobic!" except of course that it can and it is. to say that trans people cant be transphobic is absurd. transmedicalism is right there, but thats not what im getting at. all minorities can have internal and sometimes external biases against people who are the same minority as them.

pansexuality was started as a way to be trans inclusive at the expense of labelling bisexuality as transphobic when its not. transphobia is everywhere, and bisexuals are not exempt. instead of working on the transphobia within the community, the creators of pansexuality decided to remove themselves from it to create a better and less tainted word and community, and the fact that pansexuality is intended to replace bisexuality or leave it for the transphobes goes to show a few things. pansexuality and bisexuality are inherently linked because the pan label is in response to the bi label. due to its origins, it is inherently competing with bisexuality and it cant be "reclaimed" from its biphobic roots. pansexuality is not a whole, separate, and valid label. its a biphobic response to issues within the bisexual community.

to top off this post, heres something a full grown adult once said to me. in person. she was my roommate. "i feel like im pan because im attracted to trans people. trans women, trans men, i could definitely date them. but not nonbinary people because thats gross and weird." she saw pan as trans inclusive and defined herself that way as opposed to bi which is shitty!

also a little extra tidbit about my experiences identifying as pan. i saw myself as better than every bi person. all of them. even my trans and bi friends. whenever they brought up being bisexual i would think to myself "why dont you identify as pansexual? its better and shows people you support trans people." because i was made to believe bisexuality didnt and was therefore inferior. thats the mindset that emerged from my time in the pansexual community. i am so sorry to all of my bisexual friends even if they never noticed. i love you all and hope you have a great day. this also goes to any bisexuals or people who identify as bi in anyway, such as biromantic or simply bi. love you all.

ummm yeah heres some extra reading i found helpful and relevant. here and here. also noooo dont disagree with me and unfollow me im so sexy 🥴🥴🥴

#if u have follow up questions ill probably answer them 2morrow #if u ask something just be nice its my birthday 🙄🙄 #anyways time to tag this lol ! #pansexuality #biphobia #transphobia #q slur #long post #my post #ask to tag maybe??

[e8luhs]

do you have any tips for making your characters so lively and distinct? also for giving them such different voices?

i always get so flattered getting questions like tihs ;_; *screamcat* thank you! putting this under a cut since i rambled a bit here (as usual)

this kind of stuff i always find hard to describe because my process is so….. like how do i even word it. ive just been writing for a long time so once i settled into cb and it became my favorite thing to write for and work on it just became natural for me to do. voice-wise, i think a lot of it has to do with analyzing vocabulary and tone. lots of asking yourself what your character would do rather than what you think sounds good or poetic or the like.

you need to shift gears and figure out how you can relate to your own character and get emotionally invested in what theyre saying and how theyre saying it. HEAR it and type it out the way youre hearing it. read your scripts and dialogue over and over, have other people read them over and over, ask yourself why your characters saying what theyre saying the way theyre saying it, because if its boiling down to “i dont know, just because” then you will most likely end up with some flat dialogue that all sounds similar. i think this just comes around as soon as you figure out how your characters are different from eachother.

on that side of things–character distinction–i think sorting out a trait/flaw that you can build off of to create character motives and themes right off the bat helps quite a bit and can create a pretty good & diverse cast. also think about roles youd like to have filled in a group of people. 

an example is that sebran really started entirely based on the concept of “what about a character that cant take their own feelings seriously? basically the embodiment of Depression Jokes?” which was an idea that hadnt been fulfilled in the group and could create both a relation and a contrast point between him and the group; all of the characters in cataclysmalbound have difficulties coping with their own feelings, but sebran IN PARTICULAR handles them by using humor and doesnt take himself very seriously, and sometimes mistakenly ends up reacting to other peoples emotions in a very joking way because of how hes conditioned himself to come at his OWN emotions.

that “in particular” there is how you figure out what sets your character apart from the rest. people can be similar and can relate to eachother (its encouraged that at least some of your characters are able to relate to eachother actually, thats how realistic groups of friends are made). you can have an entire cast of characters that has an issue shared among all of them, but EVERYONE will ALWAYS have their own unique approach to feelings, mindsets, ideas and everyone will always have different reasons as to WHY thats the case. thats what adds meat to your character and once you have that stuff figured out, distinct character voices will follow.

two exercises i suggest for these:

analyzing your characters by putting them next to eachother. ask yourself whats similar, whats different. again, you can make characters with intrinsically similar bases but which are fundamentally different from eachother.

good example for THIS is lyreni and crylus, who are both justice-oriented, have deepseated needs to be good people, and have strong morals. 

these traits pop up in lyreni because of the responsibility thats put on her shoulders being the heiress of alternia, causing her to fear using that responsibility in the wrong way, causing her to question whether or not shes a good person often, causing her to therefore have starkly black/white thinking patterns due to her extreme judgements of herself and those extreme judgements extending to the people around her when shes dealing with periods of extreme stress.

these traits pop up in crylus though because of his loyalty to his friends and idols,and because helping others and having a purpose/impact no matter how big or small–being a hero–is something thats important to him. his sense of confidence allows for him to act on that adamantly and without regard as to what people who oppose him think. however, this confidence can sometimes lead to reckless behavior. crylus is also less easily influenced by the expectations of others than lyreni is.

so really tldr i found their common ground, but i found what makes that ground different too. that theme is shown through different facets because lyreni and crylus have different reasons and personalities. lyreni might at times even disagree with how crylus pursues the exact same thing she does/wants and vice versa and all that.

genuinely speaking here also using a text-based format is insanely helpful if you remind yourself not to use it as a crutch. how someone types, their wording and all that, can be a great tool for analysis. some people text out everything exactly the way they hear it in their head, but not everyone does that, some people type in all lowercase and some dont, etc. even if thats not the format for your story i still suggest trying it out at least once or twice! really fun

#ask #hope this advice isnt too abstract :') #yet again i show just how bad i am at describing my inner thought process #the inner machinations of my mind are an enigma.

[gayspock]

(tma anon here!) i just started season 3! the main trouble i'm having is remembering the names/connecting early dots with later ones and such. i know there's something about different concepts or beings or something like that being powerful and linking stuff? but also i just. Don't get what's going on in the archive like. what is jon doing. who is daisy. what do the books do with anything. my tiny gay brain can't piece things together rip esp cuz i haven't listened in awhile...

READ MORE TIME BC... FRANKLY THIS IS LONG IM SO SORRY ANON F

1

NAMES ARE ALWAYS REALLY DIFFICULT!!!! like, i dont blame u at all & i had a lot of the same issues - bc there REALLY IS a lot of them and they don’t get repeated enough.  i would suggest, if theyre talking in depth about someone who only sounds vaaaguely familiar, to perhaps check them out on the wiki?? it’s probably your best bet, for a small refresher that u can access whenever u can.

moreover. this is obviously HARD bc ur not up to date, but? sometimes engaging with the fandom helps process things (it did for me) bc ppl’s discussions help connect things together.  perhaps... try digging up old reddit threads, of when the actual episodes first aired? i suggest reddit specifically bc u can actually restrict ewhat u see to be only discussion about a specific episode in its specific thread (something u cant do on tumblr). seeing ppl discuss what happened in an episode, and what is/isnt important rlly can . do wonders if ur like me and things all kind of blur together.

AS FOR YOUR SPECIFIC QUESTIONS.. (first of all. might i suggest u go over the season 2 finale? JUST BECAUSE that explains most of what you’re asking, i think!? and has a lot of the important info, in terms of immediate plot. however... that being said, maybe if ure still struggling after that u could relisten to more episdoes? it wouldnt hurt, and if u want i could point u to all the relevant (relevant meaning: ones that will have follow up in the future) ones but- but to be honest, even then, there are a LOT of relevant episodes. so u gotta prepare uraself for that.)but i can answer the things u asked, to my own ability !! which?? i HOPE HELPS

1. what is jon doing

good question. mans gone wild!! im not entirely sure what u SPECIFICALLY mean by: what is he doing, but if u mean in GENERAL? at the very end of the s2 finale, he was framed for the murders of both Leitner and Gertrude by elias (who is the one who actually killed them both) after the former’s body was found in his office and he ran away. consequently, he is on the run from the law and is staying low at his ex-girlfriend’s (georgie) house, who doesn’t know what has happened (just that something is clearly . wrong with him). 

in episode 1 he’s just recounting one of his own childhood experiences (essentially giving his own statement) which explains why he 1. hates the name leitner and 2. pursued a job at the magnus institute despite his cynicism.  if you’ve made it to episode 3, yet, he basically starts getting statements sent through the mail to him (which is weird, because no one is supposed to know where he is) and he interprets this as someone sending him clues. THAT’S BASICALLY WHAT HE’S DOING IN THE BEGINNING, ANYWAYS! 

2. who is daisy

she’s first mentioned in episode 43, and gives an actual statement firsthand in episode 61. do you remember basira? she’s the police officer jon was in contact with, and who gave him certain tapes that had been taken in as “evidence” by the police after gertrude’s murder. she is sectioned, which as explained in episode 43, basically means: she saw some weird supernatural shit once, had to sign a section 31 form, and is now assigned to any case which entails supernatural shit. daisy is essentially her partner on the force. she is also a sectioned and therefore also works on any and all supernatural cases. given the institute’s reputation, all cases concerning it are automatically given to section 31 officers - including gertrudes murder. which is actually why basira and daisy showed up in the first place, and why basira gave him so many tapes despite them being evidence: because they already suspected that he had killed her at that point, and were banking on the fact he’d expose himself.ANYWAY. therefore when jon was framed for murdering his predecessor, daisy steps in. she’s currently trying to find him, so she can “deal with him”. 

3. what do the books do with anything. https://the-magnus-archives.fandom.com/wiki/List_of_booksthis might. explain a little bit??anyways the books were also something i was like “whahththeusdhisdhgd” about too, so big mood with that one. BASICALLY: the books have an unknown origin, and we still don’t know how they exist, or their original source. all we specifically know is that 1. they all correspond with at least one entity 2. they are especially powerful artefacts, even more so than most  and 3. interacting with them has bad consequences that are variable.  within the show,  most people (and we ourselves are led to) believe that they were the work of someone called jurgen leitner - including jon, himself - hence why they’re referred to as leitners. however leitner turns out to be nothing but Just a Self-Absorbed Prick, who simply collected them, and added them to his library - branding them, as if they were his own, in the process. he believed that he could “protect” people from them, by keeping them in this fashion. instead this ... did not exactly work out, and instead given the fact he’d slapped his name on, like, all of them most people instead think he’s the one who put them all into the world. which, given their abhorrent nature, kind of put a big target on his back (which is why he went into hiding)

otherwise..... the books, unless something else is revealed later on, aren’t IMPORTANT-important? with regards to plot, at least. they appear every now and then, causing Situations(tm) but it was more like... a misdirection, i guess? might be the best word. as in, they were presented as the cause for a lot of shit, and thats true, but ACTUALLY: there’s a much bigger picture going on, and the books are less the root of the problem, and moreso a  consequence of the problem if that makes any sense?

#anon #egg yells back

[zuxnon]

CEO SVT | Seungkwan - Incompatible

authors note: i know everyone who knows me already KNOWS this BuuuuTTTT i wanna warn yall,,, absolutely a whole ass 0% percent proofreading went into this and since it took me so long to write it i dont know if its coherent,... does it make sense FHGSDUJKA ill find out at some point but yknow~ nshfksghk i am SORRY its also rlly short rip

summary: anyone would’ve said you were incompatible, even seungkwan himself. but he was interesting, he was real, he was sassy and entertaining, and he was drop dead gorgeous. therefore, you didn’t care what any of them had to say. you would pursue him until you got bored of doing so. that was just who you were.  

boo seungkwan hated the elevator ride down from his apartment every morning. not because he was tired, because it was six in the morning and he wanted to sleep in. not because he hated the elevator- nothing that simple. it was his luck. his horrible, damned awful luck. it was never good- for some goddamned reason every morning, that horrible downstairs neighbor took it upon herself to wake whenever he did, leave whenever he did, and confront him about his day or night, telling him she heard him up at 3am getting a glass of water and he should learn to walk quieter. he made the mistake of bringing a girl home once, when he was insanely drunk and horny, and god had he heard it from her that next morning. it wasn't as if she was silent either. it definitely wasn't as if she hadn't had her fair share of rather loud one night stands- but arguing with her was of no use and he found it a hassle to talk to her in the first place, so he rarely complained.

he tried putting earbuds in one morning, tried to block her out, but she plucked one from his ear and turned him to face her. he tried ignoring her, but no matter where he turned she would always follow, standing right in his face and talking louder so he couldn't possibly pretend she wasn't screaming in his ear. when he got home late from helping seokmin clean up the aftermath of the party, he knew he'd be getting an earful in the morning. why did she have to be such a damn light sleeper?

sure enough, he had the same thought when the elevator stopped at her floor on the way down. and sure enough, when the elevator doors opened, she was the only one waiting. her eyes were shielded by sunglasses, a mask covering her mouth and nose, a bright, sunflower colored windbreaker and black yoga pants clothing her body. the jacket was zipped all the way up and the hood was hiding her dyed red hair. she usually looked like this in the mornings, sometmes prettier, sometimes less pretty, but usually well hidden. at least, until she stepped in the elevator. as soon as she stepped foot in the elevator, she pulled the mask down. the hood was tugged off her head and the sunglasses pushed upwards to rest on her hair. her arms crossed over her chest- she looked like she was ready for a showdown.

seungkwan didn't waste time pretending, he immediately let his head roll back, dropping against the wall of the elevator and groaned in exasperation. she felt her heart beat faster, nerves and frustration rushing through her. it was his fault, anyways. why did he act so angry? why didn't he just like her in the first place?

"why were you out so late last night?" she barked, puffing her chest out and pointing her nose up as she went to stand beside him. from an outside perspective it would've looked almost comical, the way she stood as if a pole had pierced all the way up through her, contrasting the way he leaned against the wall like he wanted to sink back into it. the difference between the long, fashionable dark blue coat and dark jeans and burnt orange sweater he wore and the workout clothes she wore. the way both of them refused to look at each other, bodies facing straight ahead but they stood so close that if she swayed even slightly to the side her shoulder would brush against his arm.

"it's none of your business."

she scowled, her arms visibly tightening. "it's automatically my business when your carelessness is interrupting my sleep. if i don't sleep well, my skin doesn't glow like it should. i gain weight. i get dark circles and red eyes. i can't afford to lose sleep every time you stay out getting drunk somewhere." she grumbled, leaning slightly sideways to elbow him in the side.

he shot her a glare from the corner of his eyes, trying to squeeze himself tighter into the corner, further away from her. alas, it didn't work. thankfully, though, they were nearing the bottom floor by then.

"invest in some earplugs." he hissed, carefully maneuvering himself further away from her, closer to the doors. "then you won't hear me."

he could practically hear the wheels in her head turning, the steam coming out of her ears as she dropped her arms, both fists clenched at her sides and her lips parted in furious thought.

"why should i have to-" she was cut off by the ding of the elevator, the squeak of the doors opening and seungkwan's footsteps as he hurriedly escaped before she could explode.

-

for about half of the day, work was particularly slow. your angry manager shouting at everyone who came near as you looked through offers for your next show or movie- whatever you thought she could play best. a victim in a horror film. a low-budget rom-com missing a plot. a romance/mystery show. there was even offer for you to be in a thriller film with a warning of multiple graphic sex scenes. they were crazy if they thought you'd accept that. you hardly liked scary films anyways. your 'no' pile was stacking up, your 'yes' pile was nonexistent and your maybe pile was thin. only the mystery and a superhero movie. as much as you would love to see yourself playing a superhero, as proud as you would be, you didn't know if you could handle the strain it would put on your body. sure, you would consider it, though. there were far too many offers to go through, you were starting to get tired of it. you were sore from sitting in the uncomfortable chair in that stuffy office all day,  hungry from not eating lunch, you had three different papercuts on your hands from flipping through so many envelopes.

you were so, so close to giving up, fingers twitching with a desire to throw the whole pile and storm out. maybe you would have, had the sky-blue of the pretty letter next in your hands not caught your attention. a name that sounded vaguely familiar. boo broadcasting. (forgive me i cant name things for shit) you thumbed at the corners for a few moments, trying to think of where you'd heard it before, why it seemed more familiar than just the company. trying to find the bell the name had rung in your mind.  after a few moments, instead of giving in and ignoring the question in your mind, you decided to pull out your phone and look it up. to your surprise, your most pleasant surprise, the first face you see is that of your upstairs neighbor.

'CEO of Boo Broadcasting, Boo Seungkwan seen leaving unknown woman's apartment late at night.' it read, with a blurry, dark picture of the the boy, with his recently dyed blue hair and his trademark long, dark coats, slipping out of an apartment you didn't recognize. curiously, you decided to click it, setting the letter down in your lap as you quickly scrolled to the bottom. you didn't bother reading the article, only the comments. oftentimes, those were more accurate than the dramatic, disgusting articles written by slimy, slithering liars. she had seen too many kind people be taken down by the words they shamelessly spoke.

'the woman in the picture is his mother. she was in the pictures for his graduation.' 'that's his mom, how can you post such blatant lies? really shameless' that was all she needed to see. the comparison pictures in the first comment proved it to her. good. less competition, right?

she let her phone fall back in her lap, one hand grabbing the envelope and tearing the side open to pull the letter out and read it. a variety show with various a-list celebrities- and a special guest. the handsome ceo of the company broadcasting the show as none other than the host.

somewhat of a roleplay show, it seems, where you'll be surprised with the theme of each episode you film, pick a role from a hat and act it as well as you can. you should be filming for just over a month. it sounded perfect- like exactly something you'd enjoy working on. sounded like a perfect chance to hopefully seduce your upstairs neighbor at the same time as you worked. entertaining in more than one way. so, with a smile on your face, you brought it to your manager.

-

lots of nagging and purposeless early morning elevator rides later, your awakening at 5 in the morning had a real reason- not that you didn't consider nagging your upstairs neighbor a real reason. if you didn't, you likely wouldn't be in the elevator at 5 every morning just to talk to him.  to your surprise, he wasn't dressed up when you entered the elevator- didn't groan or bother to even look at you. he kept his eyes closed, head back as he leaned against the elevator wall. you walked over beside him in silence, stood for a few sweet seconds wordlessly before you tilted your head slightly to the side, posture slouched as your eyes trailed over to his makeup-less face. there were a few small blemishes, his skin was a tiny bit more red than you would expect, but he looked... pretty. beautiful maybe, without makeup on. you lolled your head and stared up at the ceiling instead.

"you were quiet last night... what got into you? didn't wake me up once."

he sent you a quick glance from the corner of his eye, but didn't  say anything in response. his eyes didn't even linger on you-  they quickly turned back to the elevator ceiling and closed, his body relaxing against the wall.

you pouted to yourself, bit your lip for a moment before turning to face him again.

"where are you going today?"

this time he completely ignored you, didnt even give you a look. that was fine, you could think of something else to attract his attention if need be. it took you a few seconds to think, a few sweet seconds that he enjoyed like nothing else that morning, but soon enough (or, rather, too soon,) you were granted with an idea. a genius idea, for more than one reason. the main being that if he said yes, you wouldn't have to wait for your manager to drive down here and get you in an hour.

"can i ride with you?" you asked, grinning to yourself in pride at your own genius. should he choose not to allow you, it would be a fault of his own. what harm did you ever do to him anyways?

"you already are," came a low, deep voiced grumble from the corner of the elevator. "you do every morning."

bouncing happily on the balls of your heels, you move over to stand in front of him and look up towards him, arms crossed over your chest casually. "no, i mean in your car. can you drive me? we're going to the same place and i can't drive." you explain, and instantly, as soon as the word 'car' slips out of your mouth his head snaps down, eyes scanning yours as if to see if you were kidding. you weren't. that didn't take him long to realize.

"what do you mean, 'we're going to the same place'?" he asked, looking surprised- maybe even afraid. of course, he had no reason to be afraid, he was the CEO of not only the company broadcasting  company, but the company which was literally producing the show. if he very well wanted to, he could absolutely get you kicked off the show. so you knew you had to be on your best behavior. the elevator bell dinged a few times, signaling that you would soon be coming to a stop in the lobby. he slipped around you to stand by the door, you turning on your heels to follow him, stand shoulder to shoulder against him, both staring at the silver doors.

"we're filming together." you state matter-of-factly, smiling in triumph as you fought to hide the smugness in your tone. of course, you knew there was a 50-50 chance that he'd tell the producers that like hell would he work with you, but still this was closer to him than you'd been before. the door slid open, and for once he waited for you to get out first. he seemed a bit sulky when you turned to glance at him, watch him walk out after you, but he followed anyways, soon stepping ahead to lead, you assumed, you to his car, as he occasionally glanced to make sure you were following.

"they didn't tell me any of the people i'd be filming with, it was supposed to be a surprise i guess so i wouldn't go into it with a bias." he shot a glare at you from the corner of his pretty brown eyes, and you smiled in return. "glad i got a warning."

it was hard to stifle the giggle pulling at your lips at his grumbled words, quite obviously not intended for you to hear but you heard anyways. he was adorable. whether he hated you or not, he was so cute, you loved talking to him. and, if it came down to it, listening to him insult you. he was funny. quirky. adorable, and rather entertaining. you liked how he spoke his mind.

"so can i ride with you, sir?" you asked, practically bouncing happily as he led you into the private parking garage, unlocked his car (clicked twice, ensuring all doors would be unlocked, you noticed) and turned to glance at you. he sighed.

"don't call me that... get in."

#CEO SVT #CEO seungkwan

[thedistantstorm]

Phoenix Protocol 02

A Zavala x Female Guardian work.

Summary: When the Traveler’s Light was returned to the Guardians after the defeat of the Cabal, it did not manifest itself the same in everyone. Miyu, an Awoken Warlock, finds herself struggling with her abilities, her Light feeling different and not her own. With her Vanguard preoccupied with grief and all eyes turned to the Reef, she finds herself turning to an unlikely source in an attempt to rediscover her connection to the Light and define what it means for her as a Dawnblade.

[Previously]

Ikora always wants more.

By research, Ikora actually means to discuss Miyu stopping hers. Focusing on more important matters. The Reef. Uldren. Miyu wants nothing to do with any of it, and that is why she had willingly offered her services detaining escapees from the Prison of Elders despite not actually wanting to do that at all.

It gives Miyu time to actually complete some more secretive research on the side: why her Light is messed up. Why it feels like when she received hers back, after the war, it felt like it belonged to someone else, the person she used to be but wasn’t any more, coiling uneasily beneath her skin. She’s gone to Io. The Shard. Both under the guise of hunting escapees, but also to seek answers.

Neither place does and very day, the solar sword is more difficult to grasp, wings of flame beyond her reach. Telling her Vanguard that didn’t work. Ikora didn’t understand. The Void has always been at her fingertips, for as long as she’s been connected to the Traveler. With that in mind, Miyu attempts to adapt her argument, listens to Ikora insisting that she push herself and hopes that eventually either her own efforts or Ikora’s reasoning pays off.

Ikora still demands an answer, though. Wants Miyu to give her something. So, Miyu presents her personal thoughts. Based on her research, she finds that her connection to the Light is strongest while meditating or calling upon her abilities in the midst of a healing rift. Ikora is not impressed. Miyu isn’t expecting her to be. She tells Ikora the truth - that she does not believe offensive maneuvers are her true calling, not anymore. It’s something she’s believed for a while now. She can hear Ghost cheering her on in her mind for being honest - for expressing her opinion. That was rare. Miyu hated doing so, especially when she knew it was going to be an unpopular one.

Ikora, in response, cites battles, strikes, accolades. Ikora always measures a Warlock’s worth in accolades.

Miyu measures a person - Guardian, Human, Exo, Awoken, whatever - in terms of character. Heart. Sometimes she thinks that’s why she just doesn’t fit in with her more intellectual colleagues, aside from not being sneaky and clever like the Hidden or having half the honors or titles that Ikora’s top-tier Warlocks have. Put a sword in her hands and Miyu can cut down almost anyone or anything. But have her infiltrate a group and act a certain way, play a role of some sort? She’ll fail right away.

She is not an actress. She’s a Guardian. And to her knowledge, the definition of a Guardian is someone who protects. There has to be some merit in that, she’s told Ghost, and he - her best friend and most honest critic - agrees.

Ikora - Miyu thinks - must not think much of her. Still, the Void user pulls her back from her thoughts with praise. “Grey,” She says, “You are so much more than you give yourself credit for. You need to push yourself harder. Do not give up. I know you are better than this.”

It’s times like this that she wonders. Does Ikora know what her name is, really? Does Ikora even care? Miyu is beginning to think she’s just a faceless person, a puzzle that is challenging and therefore worth the more esteemed woman’s time. Ikora gave her hardly any face-time before the war, before she had these issues.

Regardless, the younger Warlock attempts to retain her composure. “Thank you. However, I would like to pursue my research on a more defensive Solar ability,” Miyu says, barely a whisper of defiance. “I believe it is possible.”

Ikora shakes her head. “Leave shielding for the Titans. A Warlock’s rift is not meant to protect. It is meant to heal or empower, and only briefly. Attempting to augment it is a waste of Light better spent on dispatching our enemies.”

Miyu sighs, but nods. “What would you have me do, then?”

The Warlock Vanguard crosses her arms, turns her back to Miyu and looks out at the City. “Take the most difficult Strikes and Patrols I can give you. Challenge yourself and you will find yourself calling upon your abilities more. If that does not help you to realign yourself with your Light,” She trails off, eyes narrowing on a fixed point beyond the horizon, “I will explore other paths. Your research is unnecessary at this time. If you require a project, I will send you to collect information from the Reef.”

The younger Warlock bows. “I understand,” Miyu says, schooling her features into something blank, and trying to sound collected and grateful, not detached and indifferent. “Thank you.”  This won’t help. She’s already tried this, Miyu thinks, but tries not to let it bleed into her demeanor.

“You’re welcome, Grey. You may go.”

Miyu turns her back to Ikora Rey, but waits until she is nearly to Banshee’s stall in the main portion of the Tower to let the frustration show on her face, a very quiet growl escaping her. Ghost appears at her side immediately. “I can’t believe she wouldn’t listen to you,” He says, sounding even more irritated than Miyu is. “I’m sorry,” He apologizes to her. “But I think you should keep working on it.”

“So do I.”

Ghost bobs, spinning around her in a wide circle of disbelief. “You do?”

“Yes.” Silver eyes cant over toward her Ghost’s single teal one. “I’ll do what she asks, and continue my research on my own. What else can I do?”

He sighs. “I know. I just wish it had gone differently.” He taps her cheek. “If you could have convinced her to watch you summon your-”

“We asked that the last two times and she refused. It’s okay, Ghost. I’m used to it being just you and me.” She reaches up to cup his small being with her hands, and holds him close. “Sometimes, I think it’s better that way.”

Ghost nuzzles against her abdomen in a return of their improvised hug, and wonders not for the first time if she considers leaving. He knows she doesn’t feel like she belongs here, that she’s trying so hard to fit into the roles dictated by social norms. Most of her fellow Guardians hurt her with their lack of understanding, their taunts. Most of them do not know how it feels to have their Light feel foreign to them. Still, she remains as gentle as she can, does her best to be kind to everyone she meets. It’s no wonder they don’t live within the confines of the Tower. The City folk are far kinder to his wayward Guardian than her own brothers and sisters. It’s a shame.

-/

Three days later, news hits the Tower. Cayde-6's killer has been eliminated. Almost everyone is celebrating. Miyu uses the general population's distraction to her advantage, slipping out to the training grounds recently restored near the base of the wall. There should be free space for her to experiment unseen, a rarity in the middle of the day.

She discards her gauntlets and lets the heavy, flame-retardant sleeves of her robes hang down over her palms. Pulls her sword from its sheath at her side. Ghost flutters around her, cones spinning silently in anticipation a safe distance away. She drops to her starting position, kicks off.

What she does not have in stealth or strength, she makes up with in skill. Some of it, Ghost believes, may have been written upon her from her first life, muscle memory and reflexes allowing her to pick up swordplay far more easily than ever anticipated. But not all of it. She worked hard to hone her skills, consulted archives and videos, took every ounce of criticism to heart.

He enjoys watching her dance throughout the training arena with her blade slashing out, parrying imaginary blows, each move fluid yet moving with unbelievable discipline and precision. However, he knows it will come soon. Can feel the tingle of Light, the increasing heat. She’s going to try without the rift. She always does, first. When her mind is clear, when she’s reached that place of blank-white concentration.

The Warlock sheaths her physical blade in a motion like lightning, before reaching out for the heat in the air, calling upon the Light in her soul to manifest the sword that answers the call of her heart. It always looks so effortless from afar.

It isn’t, though. He watches her throw the first one, scorching the dirt. Watches her call upon the second. Watches the flames spiral up her arm, paying no heed to her robes. Watches her grit her teeth and give form to the energy in her hand. This one doesn’t go as far, doesn’t track like the first.

The third fizzles into ash, blackens her fingertips. She screams, drops to her knees, slams her fists into the dirt. He doesn’t approach. He knows she wants to feel this, to commit it to memory - as if she hasn’t already, he thinks, but allows it to continue - and use it to fuel her. It’s how Ikora believes she will improve. Miyu doesn’t believe in it, but she tries anyway. He knows she’d try anything, to feel like herself again.

This is torture, but it’s therapeutic. She needs to let it out, to blaze, like the fiery powers locked inside her, refusing to come out the way they’re supposed to. The way they always had, before the Cabal had ripped them away by force.

Any changes in her personality, since the war, have been subtle. He notices the way her swordhand twitches after she lets the blades burn through her nerves. Can tell that where she might say ten words once, she now says six or five. Notices that where she’d try to be social once in a while, it takes a great deal of encouragement to convince her to approach a friendly face.

Ghost’s cones push out and then back in, spiraling around him in surprise as someone appears on his radar. Someone approaching, quickly. At a run. Miyu is pushing herself up, the rush of a healing rift spiraling out from beneath her. She doesn’t notice.

Another attempt is made to call upon the sword. She growls and braces her sword hand - gripping her left wrist with her right hand. Flames spit and spiral up both arms this time, fighting for purchase against the healing properties of the rift.

“Mi- Miyu?”

The small AI turns at the sound of the familiar voice. Oh, no.

Next

#commander zavala #oc: miyu #zavala x female guardian #ikora rey #destiny #destiny fanfiction #destiny stories #destiny fan fiction #slowburn #angst #character development #destiny community #post-forsaken #collection: phoenix protocol #zavala x oc

[kpopsiblingreactions]

F(x) As Sisters

Victoria

Now this sister is probably going to make you feel a bit insecure, since she has so many talents and excels at them also. Don’t worry though, rather then comforting you shes just going to take this as a compliment and point out your attributes also. That might not be what you want but its not going to change. If you dont mind being in the limelight she often posts pictures of you two and short clips of you guys doing aegyo. You guys are bound to fight but as the “mother” of F(x) shes not going to stay angry for long, instead she will come back within a few minutes, not wanting to fight, and apologize. The main reason you guys might fight is because shes brutal honest. She will tell you if you have horrible fashion taste, two left feet, smell like feet, etc etc. Shes actually trying to help so you dont get made fun of or embarrass yourself or her. Victoria is the best person to go to when your upset, she will baby you and do aegyo trying to cheer you up. When you come to visit her around the rest of F(X) it’s like you grew four sisters, then lost one after Sulli left. When you start dating Victoria is never going to think anyone is good enough for you. She will point out other people that she approves and try to get you to date them even if their not your style. If anyone ever messes with you though they will quickly meet the icy glare of Victoria. She normally restrains from causing a scene but she will yell at the person, putting them in their place and you cheering her on in the background. You stop the cheering as soon as Victoria turns to you though because you know she wouldnt approve you encouraging her telling strangers or in general others off.

Amber

Amber is another sister that might make you feel insecure because she excels at everything. She will always encourage you though, and the two of you often dance, rap or sing together. Actually you guys basically do a lot of hobbies together, probably why your so close to the llama. You guys game and basically just hang out together. Amber will occasionally take you out to eat if your spirit ever seems down to pick you back up. Easily brushing you off when you try to pay. Since your american your not used to a lot of South Koreas culture so she has to remind you often not leave a tip or take off your shoes when you enter someones house. After begging your parents they allowed you to move to South Korea one year after Amber has been staying there. Therefore Amber is often the station for complaints from your parents and your guide to making sure your not in trouble and getting used to Koreas culture. You guys fight often because Amber gets stuck between your parents and yourself when your in a fight. Being in the middle ground isnt enjoyable and Amber will make sure to let you know. If it was actually your parents fault she will apologize and direct her attention at them. If its your fault you will have to apologize and actually show your changing for her to forgive you. When your upset Amber will kidnap you for the day, making you spend the day with her. Her days are often fun and full of work so you will be in a good mood by the end of the day. Once you start dating Amber is so excited, gossiping about your date with you the whole time. When she first meets them they will be give the glance over as she judges them in her head. If she doesnt approve she will make sure your confident about this relationship, but pursue you to drop the relationship. She wont go overboard though so she knows when to stop.

Luna/Sunyoung

Sunyoung is a tortured sister. You constantly tease her and poke fun at her, which Sunyoung yells at you for such things and being the childish person you are you just laugh and run away. Sometimes she will get angry over this and you have to go apologize but this isnt major fights. Major fights come in when Sunyoung gets busy with her idol life and you parents get worried and she wont even call them back because shes busy. Its a very bad habit and you often have to call her and yell at her to get her to call back your parents. Later she apologizes but it happens again eventually. Just stay on her and it should stay good though. When Sunyoung keeps doing it though sometimes you get tired of having to tell her to remember to call your parents. It takes a third party eventually to make you guys talk and work it out. Shopping is a thing you often do, whether thats something Sunyoung drags you along to do or you go willing. Your always her number one shopping friend. You have a animal, I’m going to say a dog but go ahead and change it, if you dont like dogs.....I have no clue what you have against dogs then, BUT Sunyoung comes over often and you guys just treat that animal like your baby. Sunyoung just hangs with you at your place then because honestly having a dorm with four(three when Sulli leaves) other girls gets horrible. Whenever you get upset Sunyoung grabs your animal and does cute things with it to cheer you up, it always works, one hundred percent. Dont deny it! When you start dating she takes this as a chance to get revenge on all your teasing and tells your date all your embarrassing stories. 

Krystal/Soojung(Slight Trigger warning!) 

Soojung is the devil in disguise. She will often hit you, tease you, and yell at you. This is just a normal sibling relationship though. You guys fight ALL the time. When you see a caring relationship between siblings you cant understand at all. The biggest bight you’ve had was when she was also angry with you, poking at you she said, “pudgy pudgy!” Almost like her iconic aegyo saying but this time it was very hurtful. After storming away, being really hurt Soojung went back to her dorm. After explaining what happened out loud she realizes what she exactly did, feeling horrible she rushed over apologizing over and over again. Of course you didnt forgive her for a while but she can be a real devil when it comes to fights. Know that she never really means it though. Most of the time that wont lessen the blow though. When you start dating nothing really changes in your relationship. If you ever break up though she is right by your side with a pint of ice cream and your favorite movie. If Soojung ever sees you upset, not caused by her, she will immediately be ready to attack, asking the cause of you being upset. When you guys actually get along she and you often do each others makeup, yet even if your a boy because its common for boys to wear makeup in south korea. At times it even gets fun as you both try to make each other look horrible and it turns out hilarious how you two look. When f(x) goes out for karaoke(which surprisingly is a lot)  she always drags you along. 

(Former Member)Sulli

Now Sulli is a very childish sister, you will often be taking care of her instead of the other way around. Shes very mischievous and curious so you will have to keep her out of trouble when she goes adventuring. Also, protect her from the birds! She becomes a mess around the birds, you must protect! When she laughs its contagious and loud. When you start dating she makes friends right away with your date, even if you rather she not. If your ever upset though she will do aegyo and take you out to eat, or try to use her charm and charisma to make you happy again. When she left f(x) she received a lot of hate. This is when you two really become close, because of all the hate she grew tired and depressed but you were always there to cheer her up. Of course f(x) was there also but you knew her longer and f(x) couldnt always be there like you, You managed to get her moving and happy again, making sure she ignored all the hate and you protected her when you guys went out, you will always be her number one fan to cheer her on. Sulli occasionally still hangs out with f(x) and you go along, your almost like another member. Surprisingly if you were ever to date anyone in f(x) Sulli would cheer you on. She would love you to date someone in f(x), maybe a bit too much because a lot of times she pushes you towards Victoria and Amber with hopes high and never giving in. 

#f(x) #f(x) amber #f(x) luna #f(x) krystal #f(x) reactions #f(x) victoria #f(x) sulli #f(x) scenarios #kpop reactions #kpop #kpop scenarios #kpop f(x)