#that looking back can be very much a huge factor in starting my delusions.

[autism-corner]

cant believe that the delusions i had at 16-18 y/o were just autism again.

#i used to have full on delusions that every single thing around me was fake. 100% simulation style. #very bad. #but i now think a root cause of that is the lack of theory of mind autistics often have #which means i cant really understand that other think the way i do. its hard to believe that. #that looking back can be very much a huge factor in starting my delusions. #ofc there were other reasons that i got delusionol but. #ive connected the dots #man i really like cognitive science this shit is awesome. #sillyposting #i was gonna make a post saying 'why am i in a class about autism im already a pro at this' but WHOMPWHOMP apparently not lol #the autism was not really the main topic but it is a little part of it. bc were so special and cool. #were talking about the mary-ann game or whatever its called. #and the narrator just goes 'xxxx should have said so-and-so' which. #just plainly came across as: look at this dumb tizzy ass child. getting it WRONG. because he's STUPID an WEIRD #but maybe thats just me projecting lol #anyway in other good autisn news: the 15 y/o coworker who is an absolute sweetheart is autistic!! YIPPEE #its so nice to see...... i feel like i have a lil sibling under my wing bc im the one that trained her <33 #ok! =w=b

[purple-goo-writes]

So opinions on the popular Transformers pairings? MegaStar, MegaOP, JazzProwl and etc.

Oooooh do I have opinions.

Let's start with MegaStar.

Like I get alot of people love the dynamic and pairing cause Leader/Second in Command is a very common pairing trope. But, I don't like it due to one main factor. It's Abusive.

In every Transformers media, Megatron is abusive towards Starscream. And I'm not making excuses for Star, He is a traitorous bastard who tries to kill Megatron every other day. But, Doesn't mean I want him to be in an abusive and frankly toxic relation ship. The same goes with Megatron. He may be an egotistical brute with delusions of grander who is heavy handed with is punishments towards his troops, but doesn't mean I don't want him to be in a semi happy relationship. Which he wouldn't be with Starscream as the two of them together is a toxic and abusive mess which just feeds an endless cycle of never changing behavior.

The only Media I can see this perhaps possibly working on some strange level is IDW Lost Light when Megatron is trying to better himself after the war ended. But Thats a BIG IF, mostly steaming from the fact that it would require a huge personality change on both their parts for it to even work without going back to old habits.

So yeah, I'm not a fan of MegaStar.

(More Opinions under the cut)

Nor am I a fan of MegaOP all that much because of the differing ideology between the two.

In every TF Media, Megatron and Optimus rarely have similar ideology. And with the amount of bad blood between the two factions and them being the leaders of said factions...I can't comfortably pair the two together.

Fuck even in IDW when the war ends, both have changed so much from where they started that they have basically swapped scripts. With Optimus not really caring about the Rights of All Sentient beings and basically conquering Earth and Megatron becoming an Autobot. (Yeah still throws me for a loop that plot twist) That I don't feel comfortable pairing the two together.

Though pairing across TF Media could possibly work: Say IDW Megatron with either TFP Optimus or G1 Optimus. Because IDW Megatron after the war is basically a tired cranky grandpa who just wants Peace and TFP and G1 Optimus are very different from Post-War IDW Optimus as they still believe in Peace and Rights of All Sentient beings and would mostly get along with a calmer and more peace minded Megatron. But that's about it for this pairing.

JazzProwl

The Third and Second in command of the Autobots.

This is one of my fav Pairings hands down. I love Jazz and Prowl no matter the media. Especially their dynamic through the various medias. Prowl is so logical and pragmatic and Jazz is so chaotic and goes with the flow type of mech, they just work well. Prowl balances Jazz out and vice versa.

Honestly wish Prowl was present more in other media such as Bayverse and TFP because I felt that Jazz would benefit from having Prowl there with him. Plus Prowl is one of my favorite characters okay.

Let's see this is getting kinda long so one more and then I'll add more if yal want it.

Sympatico- aka Brainstorm/Perceptor

I honestly have mixed feelings about this pairing. I love and Hate it. Mostly due to the fact that Perceptor doesn't even start recuperating Brainstorm's feelings in canon til after Brainstorm nearly wrecks the entire fucking timeline trying to go back in time to kill Megatron and ends up causing a HUGE shift in the time stream to a Functionalist Ruling Timeline. (Yeah who knew Megatron was such an Important Factor to the Timeline! EVERYONE BRAINSTORM! EVERYONE KNEW!)

Like Brainstorm in canon is Obsessed with Perceptor to the point all his microscopes look scarily similar to Perceptor's Alt Mode. Plus Perceptor is so dismissive of Brainstorm before the Time Jump, that you could honestly say that Percy would rather be gouged by a rusty spork then be in the same room as the flier.

And this is one of my reasons to not really like the pairing cause its borderline unhealthy due to these factors. The two scientists are so out of sync in the communications and understanding of each other department that it's hard to see them together.

BUT at the same time, I'm evil and love bittersweet pairings like this. Where one has put their all into a relationship whilst the other is too logical to admit feelings until something life changing happens and realizes the way they have been treating their partner is horrible a little too late. (Yes I know I am flawed. Never said I was perfect)

#transformers #sympatico #megastar #megaop #jazzprowl

[larriefails]

28 is not a Larry number - a masterpost

Since @theystudyrainbows has decided to put all the Larrie delusions on this number in one handy masterpost, why not debunk it all in one go?

Even the introduction is a mess. The 28 is not “a One Direction fandom mystery” at all. It’s Louis’ jersey number that he was assigned at Doncaster Rovers and that he has since then adopted. But then again, Liam’s kidney and the Belfast canceled concert are not mysteries either

How decent of you to say that some of these are coincidences, considering literally all of the following is bullshit

The fact that “too many people to name” contributed to write this drivel makes my heart ache

Harry has no connection to the number 28 whatsoever

The problem with you attempting numerology is that there are only 9 possible digits (as the addition of two numbers can never be zero). So, you clown yourselves because it leads to this

Eleanor was born on July 16th 1992:

7+1+6+1+9+9+2 = 35

3+5 = 8

Oh no!

But also, Zayn was born on January 13th 1992:

1+1+3+1+9+9+2 = 26

2+6 = 8

(: Ya see how that’s just not good?

Not only that, but also, as I said, Harry has no connection to the number 28, but for shits and giggles

Kendall Jenner was born on November 3rd 1995:

1+1+3+1+9+9+5 = 29

2+9 = 11

1+1 = 2

So.. basically this is worthless information that you pulled out of your ass. Or I could easily claim that 28 is an Elounor or a Hendall number

You also use this method to count Harry and Louis’ X Factor numbers, but as we’ve established, there are only 9 options, the odds are stacked for this coincidence

How is that 28? That’s 82.. A completely different number. In the UK the date is written day/month/year. So the “same gig” was the 8th day of the 2nd month. 82. It’s very funny that, since you’re Italian and live in the UK (both countries that use the day/month/year system) you’ve written every date so far that way, but now that you want to say this other random date is connected to 28, you switched to month/day/year.

Also, where is the year in this equation? We’ve been using the entire date so far, but now we’re only focusing on the day and month? (and switching order?) That seems very convenient. Almost like, if you try hard enough, any date can add up to 28 in some way?

November 17th 2011, Louis and Eleanor’s anniversary: 11+17=28! Oh no! DRATS! It’s still an Elounor number!

And now we’re just ignoring the month and only focusing on the day. And not only that, but ignoring half the time they were there (the 27th) to only focus on the 28th. That is, once again, very convenient

But continuing with your own ridiculous logic. We know that Louis and Eleanor went to V Fest together in 2011, because Eleanor said so on twitter when Sugarscape wondered if the “brown haired girl” holding hands with Louis at V Fest was her

V Fest was on August 20th and 21st 2011. What do you know? 20+8 = 28! Damn... this is getting suspicious. Louis!!! Did you get the 28 for Eleanor? :)

This is a whole ass facepalm. I’m going to link the video here just so it’s verifiable how unhinged y’all are

He literally turns for 1 millisecond, and is looking in the general area of his right because that’s where everyone else in the band is standing. The fact that y’all still do this shit is so embarrassing for your life and your soul

But why don’t you tell the truth? That y’all decided their anniversary was the 28th and then created this completely impossible to prove “receipt”? How is it proof of anything if it came AFTER y’all had decided the 28 was their anniversary? Your circular logic knows no bounds

Harry has not used the 28 number AT ALL. Louis hasn’t used the 28 as his jersey number “often,” he started using it in 2013 when it was assigned to him by the Doncaster Rovers when he was signed as a semi professional player

This is from goal.com, one of the most important sources of soccer information in the world X

The article is from September 2013 and John Ryan, the chairman of the Rovers, explains that 28 was HIS number, that HE used for a match. Soccer players have assigned numbers throughout the season, and the number 28 had been retired from the line up after John Ryan used it in 2003. He decided to bring it back to give it to Louis. And Louis was signed as a soccer player professionally with that number. That’s why it’s important to him, you bag of nonsense. This was his life long dream in the club he loved. He probably spent hours and hours daydreaming about being signed professionally to play soccer and when he finally accomplished that, it was with the number 28, so of course it’s gonna be important to him!

Find ONE INSTANCE of Louis using the number 28 before the summer of 2013. ONE. You won’t! The tattoo came after that, him wearing it on his jerseys came after that. According to Larrie Lore Harry and Louis started dating in 2011 (apparently September 28th 2011, go figure), but for two full years neither of them did anything related to the number 28 whatsoever!

Why didn’t Louis wear the 28 in his first charity match in 2012?

The fact that he wore 17, which is his and Eleanor’s anniversary. LMAO can you say ouch? Furthermore, Louis didn’t CHOOSE the 28, it was ASSIGNED to him because it was the symbolic number the chairman had used back in 2003. It was a retired number that no player had used for 10 years, and they decided to give it to him as a gesture. Man, that would be a HUGE coincidence if out of 40 something available numbers in a soccer line up, Louis had wanted exactly the one that was retired and meant a whole lot for the chairman, instead of the chairman offering it to Louis, like LOGIC says. Another HUGE coincidence that he had not bothered with the 28 at all up until that point and then started having it everywhere. But I thought Larries hated those?

After this you list all the times Louis has used the 28, which there are a lot, but all come after 2013, I don’t want to add more pointless screenshots here. Doncaster Rovers jersey (from 2013 on), dodgeball jersey (2015), in ears (2015), tattoo (2015), BTY music video (2017), LTHQ’s first IG username (2017), his playlist (2018/2019)

How is that... 28? That’s 90028. And this isn’t a date, where you can just pick the number apart as you wish. This is a zip code for a secret show the Rolling Stones played in LA in 2015

Not only that, but Harry (and this is hilariously tragic for you) was ACTUALLY AT THE GIG! THAT’S WHY HE POSTED THE PHOTO!

Posting the screenshot with the date so you can see. May 21st 2015. Article by the LA Times X

This is Harry at the actual gig with Mick Jagger you absolute MORON X

And this is Harry wearing a Rolling Stones shirt the day after the gig because he’s that much of a fanboy

Y’all the second hand embarrassment is K I L L I N G me. CRYING TEARS OF BLOOD OVER THE FACT THAT THIS WAS WRITTEN IN ACTUAL SERIOUSNESS

Why is “professional” in scare quotes?? I can’t believe that you just added 1+2+3+4+5+6+7. Oh my god. I can’t believe I have to say this but *whispers* those are consecutive numbers. They just used consecutive numbers... And why would Harry’s HQ account managed by the team that’s “oppressing them” use a secret code with their beloved 28? How does that make ANY sense?

The article is wrong. He wore TWENTY-SEVEN Gucci suits. I can’t believe that’s a sentence I just typed, but alas

1- Basel, 2- Copenhagen, 3- Hamburg, 4- Milan, 5- Bologna, 6- London I, 7- Hong Kong, 8- Bangkok, 9- Rio de Janeiro, 10- Mexico City I and II (same suit), 11- Houston, 12- Fort Lauderdale 13- Nashville, 14- Hershey, 15- Philadelphia, 16- Toronto, 17- MSG I, 18- DC, 19- Detroit, 20- Indianapolis, 21- Chicago, 22-St. Paul, 23- Denver, 24- Seattle, 25- San Jose, 26- LA I, 27- LA II

In 60 concerts, he also wore Charles Jeffrey 4 times, Saint Laurent 3 times, Palomo Spain 2 times, a custom kilt, Harris Reed 5 times, Clavin Klein 6 times, Alexander McQueen 7 times, Givenchy 4 times. Just so you don’t think I’m purposefully missing out on a suit to make it 27. The article probably counted Mexico’s suit twice. But it’s not 28 suits, it’s 27. The Mexico suit was the same both nights

I would love to know how this would be relevant to Larry or how this would mean the number 28 is important to Harry. Does he have OCD? I don’t get it

Here we have another round of “I will MAKE IT FIT 28 IF IT KILLS ME!”

Let’s see the different tactics that you used

Adding day and month

Taking only the day

Adding day month and year. Except you left out the 2 in 2017. Because otherwise it wouldn't add up. I can’t deal with thisodnadmsla

Harry performed track 2, meaning, his lead single that he was still promoting, Sign of the Times, and 8 Ever since NEW YORK because... he was performing in... New York...

Only the day. Wow, you actually repeated tactics once!

Adding two completely different dates together, that have absolutely no correlation. How are Sweet Creature, Harry’s promo single, and the music video for a different single, related in any way? What? Why not Kiwi’s music video? Why not Two Ghosts music video? Why not the release of either of those singles to radio? Can you make it any more obvious that you’re just pulling this completely out of your ass?

You repeat tactics again, except it’s the most ridiculous tactic of adding all the numbers in the date except the 2 of the year and it’s for “Harry posted link to Twitter to Sign of the Times music video PREVIEW.” Oh my god

And now you’re counting days between two dates, because that’s not unhinged. I’m guessing you mean the April 14th not 24th, but that also wasn’t the date? It was the 13th? It depends on the time zone you were in?

For someone who, according to you, plans with such precise care to match to 28, he didn’t wait until it would be 28 days for everyone. It’s not even because it was tweeted at midnight UK since this is like 3/4 AM UK time. In fact, it wasn’t midnight anywhere relevant (or anywhere, in general since it was at .54 minutes). So not only is this ridiculous, it’s also incorrect

1. That’s not a fan, that’s his cousin, but Larries know barely anything about Harry if it can’t involve Larry so I’m not surprised you don’t know

2. Imagine him asking “please, make the password add to 28“ to his staff. I have tears in my eyes picturing it

3. I CAN’T BREATHE. Y’all are BLIND on top of INCREDIBLY STUPID. That’s THE DATE

That’s his Hamburg concert, which you can tell because of his suit, which was on MARCH 25TH 2018 (he posted the pictures the day after)

AKA 250332018 which is what the password says

You not only confused an 8 with a 9, but also created numbers out of thin air because of a pixel smudge and failed to realize it was the FUCKING DATE. WHICH DOESN’T EVEN ADD TO 28! 2+5+3+2+1+8= 21

This is perhaps the most ridiculous thing written in this post, which is already one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever read. Can you imagine Harry counting to 28 in his head in the middle of the concert? I can’t y’all, this is too much. You’re A GROWN WOMAN. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I also found it incredibly suspicious that you didn’t outright link the video which you do throughout the post, and turns out it is because he didn’t pause for 28 seconds (what is this fucking sentence?)

He stops playing and singing at 2.40. Then speaks until 2.43. Then the “pause” which is just him trying to get the audience to stop screaming until 3.07 when he says (I can’t really make it out) “now you” or something like that. And then he says “for your eyes...” and lets the audience sing at 3.09. Literally none of these timestamps add to 28 and he had no way of counting to 28 since he was silencing people the entire time. And just like when he switched “I have love you since we were 18″ to “I have loved you since I was 16″ hitting his own chest, or when he said he fell in love to What Makes You Beautiful, you missed the entire point of this bit, which is Harry’s LOVE FOR HIS FANS

He has loved us since he was 16, he fell in love to us to What Makes you Beautiful, and he was letting us sing that part of the song every concert. He “paused” to shush the nonsensical screams, then he would give the audience the cue and let them sing. Several times he dedicated the song to specific fans in the audience, people with cancer, little kids, a fan that had neck surgery. By making it about Larry, you stripped it from its actual meaning and Harry’s love for his fans. But you always do shit like that

Regardless, he didn’t pause for 28 seconds. Wrong

And you end the post with the most anticlimactic possible tone

Here’s the video

Harry is talking about anniversaries because he’s reading a sign from the audience... about.. anniversaries

Y’all are the definition of clowns. All that fuss for the 28 and THIS is your proof?

#harry styles #louis tomlinson #larry is real #larry #larry stylinson #harry #louis #theystudyrainbows #larrie fails

[conversationswithmybipolarchild]

#4: MENTALLY ILL FAMILY

FELICITY: So. Welcome home.

ANJA: Yes.

F: Are you glad to be home?

A: Yeah. Very.

F: That was a long time at your dad’s this time. Did you have a good time?

A: I did.

F: Want to cheers our sugar free fudge pops?

A: Yes.

F; Your dad and I used to cheers our food. One time, at our rehearsal dinner for our wedding, we cheers-ed our hamburgers and my aunt yelled out, “I’ve never seen that before in my life!” It was kind of funny, but anyway. I’m glad you’re home.

F: So, we’re not going to play catch-up. We missed four questions and one topic. Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. That’s too much to catch up on.

F: Tonight’s topic is “Living with mentally ill family.” I picked that topic.

F: So, what is your experience growing up with mentally ill family?

A: I’m going to say this again: your mental illness hasn’t affected me that much.

F: Except my irritability.

A: True. True.

F: The majority of my family is undiagnosed. It runs pretty deep, ranging from severe psychotic bipolar disorder to depression to OCD. My paternal side, especially. Ninety-nine percent of it undiagnosed, but it has caused a lot of painful memories, and an unpleasant childhood. For me, the worst part about that is denial.The fact that some people, not going to name names, but some people deny that the bad stuff happened. To them, life was great and normal.

A: It’s probably because for them, it was another day in the life.

F: It’s also because mental illness comes with delusions. They have delusions that everything was great. But even when I was small, I knew it wasn’t. And now that I look back on it, I know it definitely wasn’t, and it screwed me up for a long time.

F: Still, somehow, finding out you had a mental illness shocked me! It shouldn’t have, but it did. I can look at almost every family member on that side, and know that they all have something going on. Even down to me, and my brother, we both have something going on.

F: So, my experience growing up with mentally ill parent or parents. What’s the word I’m looking for? Traumatic? Like what you told me one time, what is it? CPTSD?

A: Yeah. Complex PTSD.

F: Complex PTSD. Yeah. I definitely think that’s something. There was never money. When there was money, there was wild spending. There wasn’t money because there was wild spending. We never had a stable place to live.

A: You can relate to that in two different experiences.

F: I can relate in many different ways.

F: We didn’t have a place to live sometimes. Everything was always somebody else’s fault. Vacations were taken when rent should’ve been paid. We came home from vacation to eviction notices. There was a lot of instability. There was a lot of anger. There was a lot of instability in mood. I never knew. I would walk home from school and see the car in the driveway and be terrified because I didn’t know what I was walking in to. Was it going to be fine? Or was it going to be traumatic? The moods were all over the place. I didn’t know.

F: I feel like it wasn’t just that, though. On the other side of my family, my other parent used their illness to slowly kill themselves. Death by installment plan. There was instability there. Definitely, when someone uses their physical illness to try to end their life, that is mentally unwell. Putting a 13-14 year old in the position of taking care of a grown adult because they were purposefully neglecting their health is pretty shitty. So, there were a lot of factors in my childhood that made growing up with mentally ill parents very very unpleasant.

A: You having depression, I don’t think it’s affected me negatively that much. If anything, we can relate, because you know how to deal with things in a healthy way. You know how to cope healthily. You know what’s going on when I’m in a depressive phase. We almost bond over it.It’s weird.

F: We bond over weird things sometimes. Like, mental health. I don’t feel like I cope with my mental illness in a healthy way. Which, is why I weigh as much as I do.

A: Yeah. True.

F: I have terrible coping mechanisms. Granted, it could be worse, but it’s still not healthy. But I do want to teach you how to cope in a healthy way. I feel like I’ve passed the food addiction trait on to you, though.

A: You have, which, is why I weigh as much as I do.

F: Partially. Your bipolar meds aren’t helping any.

A: I don’t use it as a coping mechanism. I just love food. Unless it’s an unconscious thing. I don’t even know. I don’t think I have anything to cope with, really. I mean, my bipolar is just there. It’s like, it does affect me negatively, but how do you cope with that? It’s just anger and then it’s over. There’s nothing to cope with.

F: I guess it’s at this point, I feel good that I haven’t traumatized you into needing unhealthy coping tools.

F; Do you eat when you’re angry? Do you have the urge to eat then?

A: No. Not at all. I’m repulsed by food when I’m angry. I have the urge to eat when I’m bored.

F: That’s a lot of people. I never thought about it like that. I turn to food for every single thing. Happy. Sad. Angry. Celebrating. Anything.

A: When I’m angry I’m thinking about not being angry. I’m thinking about fighting with you to get you to see my side. It’s either you or the boys that make me angry. Mostly you. I don’t even end up making that argument, it just passes.

F: You don’t eat to stop being angry.

A: I don’t. I lose my appetite.

F; We’ll have to talk about coping mechanisms in another topic. Where were we when we got off on that?

A; You coping healthily.

F; Yeah, I totally do not cope in a healthy way.

A: I never thought about you using eating as a coping mechanism.

F: Oh yeah. But I was raised that way. I was raised to fix everything with food. Food was the center of everything. You fix the good. You fix the bad. It doesn’t matter what it is, food is involved. I fully believe my parents are food addicts. I mean, I’ve been dieting since I was twelve. I started gaining weight when I was about eight years old, when some really real shit started going down and I used food to deal with it. So, I don’t think I cope healthily.

A: I feel like most of your aggression isn’t tied to your depression. You don’t seem very depressed. There’s aggression on a daily basis. Like, on a daily basis, you’ll get mad at me for stuff I don’t really understand. You get mad at me for getting frustrated, and I can’t really help it.

F; I will correct you and say, I don’t get mad at you for getting frustrated. I get mad at the way you act. I’m not even mad at you. You’re not going to be able to throw tantrums when you’re at your job or whatever, so you’re going to have to learn to control how you act. That’s all I’m doing. I hear what you’re saying, though.

F: Aggression is one hundred percent part of depression.

A: I know that aggression is a symptom of depression, but I don’t think you’re depressed every single day of your life.

F: Oh, no, I am. Totally. One hundred percent, I am.

A: That’s kind of sad.

F: Every single day. I always feel depression every single day. Even on medication.

A: So, there’s no, like, stability?

F: The stability is depression. It is always there. I used to tell your dad, when we were married, I don’t know what happiness feels like. I can imitate it, but I’ve never felt it.

A: I’m taking a big sip of my tea and trying to process this.

F: I thought you knew.

A: I didn’t know. I guess it’s true. I guess there’s not a time when you’re not affected by your mental illness, but for me, it’s either drastic mania or drastic depression or stability. I thought everybody with mental illness had that stability.

F: I feel depression every single day. That is my stability.

A: I guess I feel the effects of mania every day. Because my thoughts are never not racing. When I’m manic, they’re racing more, but I feel like other people’s thoughts move slower.

F: Mine do. That’s why I move slowly and talk slowly. My brain is moving slower than yours.

A: Do you think when I was younger and I had that stutter, it was because my brain was moving so much faster because of my mental illness? Everybody said it was because I was smart, but now, I don’t know.

F: It’s possible. I don’t know, because I don’t know anything about racing thoughts. I know you have them, but I don’t know what it’s like to have them. That is a symptom of some mental and behavioral issues, but I don’t have experience with it. I never have racing thoughts, ever.

F: My brain moves Oklahoma slow. No offense to any fellow Okies, but for real.

F: So, back on topic, the aggression and irritability I feel also comes from pretty severe anxiety. Which, since five years ago, I’ve been working my butt off to overcome.

A: Yeah, and you’ve gotten a lot better.

F: I’ve done, what’s it called? Exposure therapy? Putting myself in those positions that I was afraid of, and realizing they’re not as bad as I thought they’d be.

A: You’ve gotten yourself out of your comfort zone. And no one can get you out of your comfort zone except you. You should never be forced out of your comfort zone. Like, my friends are always trying to push me out of my comfort zone, but that’s not really their place.

F: Yeah, well, I forced myself out of my comfort zones and my anxiety has improved tremendously. But anxiety is still a huge source of aggression and irritability, and I know that the irritability affects you. You may not know when I’m super depressed or whatever.

A: It’s because you hide it.

F: Or maybe it’s what you’re used to.

A: You notice when I’m depressed, though.

F: I do. I see it in everybody. I’m so overly aware of everybody’s emotions.

A: It honesty sucks that I get mania way more than depression because I’d rather have depression than mania.

F: Why? [cringing]

A: Because when I’m manic...nevermind, It’s hard to explain.

F: I don’t know, I guess from a Major Depressive standpoint, depression fucking sucks

A: Depression fucking sucks, but it sucks less than mania.

F: I don’t know, having it every day and having it bog me down, sucks. You know better than I do, the two poles. I know one of them and I know how much I’ve suffered with it. I know self harm and suicide is a big factor in that one. I have experiences with those. It’s not an area that I want you or anybody else to experience.

A: I guess I live with mania everyday. That’s why I’m on an antipsychotic and not an antidepressant. Because the mania greatly overpowers the depression.

F: Definitely. That’s why you’re Bipolar 1. Because you are far more manic than you are depressed. From an MDD standpoint, I’d love to have some mania every once in a while. I feel like I’d have more energy. I’d get stuff done. I wouldn’t be trodding through the rain so much.

F: However, I do know that mania comes with a lot of risky behaviors. If I were to have bouts of mania, I’d probably be pretty broke. I’m pretty good with my money right now. And I probably wouldn’t have some of the relationships that I do. I feel like maybe because of my depression, or because of the childhood I had, I’m pretty empathetic towards other people, and people like that.

A: Compassion is one of the best traits you can have. There’s nothing better than a person who understands. Like, I would consider myself a compassionate person. I’m pretty understanding.

F: One thing that I envy about you though. You have compassion now that you’re medicated. You didn’t have compassion when you were younger and that broke my heart. I used to think you were a sociopath.

A: I think I was. Maybe I was a psychopath. For real.

F: Yeah, you had no compassion. You have compassion now. But, you don’t have...I feel like you have a healthy amount of empathy but you’re not an empath. Because being an empath is so overwhelming.

A: Isn’t that when you take on the emotions of other people? I do that sometimes.

F: I do that with every single person I come in contact with.

A: Fine. Prove your point.

F: Ha ha. That is my point. I mean, when a friend halfway across the world has a problem, I take it on as my own. When my parents were back and forth with their relationship, I took on their problems as my own. I’ve stressed myself out over other people’s issues. Hell, I can’t even watch clips of people falling or nut shots without literally feeling the pain for those people. Like, for real, my legs will hurt when I see someone fall.

A: Do you ever get second hand embarrassment?

F: Totally. But I have to talk myself through that.

A: I used to be so obsessed with Full House when I was like, seven? And remember even then that I’d have to hide my face when something embarrassing would happen. Do you get that?

F: Definitely, but I’ve gotten better about it. It’s not my embarrassment to carry.

A: We got way off topic.

F: Yes. So, get us back on topic.

A: So, my brother is bipolar like me.

F: Pretty much exactly like you.

A: I see a lot of myself in him. And I feel so bad for you guys when I was eight, cause I’m not even a caregiver and that’s still a lot to deal with.

F: Not only that, but you were a lot worse when you were eight. But that’s because we didn’t know what the hell was wrong with you.

A: There’s a lot of compassion you give him, because you know what he’s going through, and I feel so bad for this, but I find myself getting jealous. I feel like the whole experience would have been a lot better if you had given me that compassion.

F: True. But we didn’t know what was wrong with you.

A: Yeah. That’s understandable.

F: So, anyway, back on topic. Do you think you’ve been raised by one or two mentally ill parents?

A: Well, I feel like my father is probably not neurotypical. I’m sorry if you’re reading this, Dad, but I feel like there is some sort of mental illness going on with him.

A: There’s that...inconsistency. There definitely was a lot of instability, too. And, um, he’s still indecisive. He broke promises a lot.

F: Broke, or breaks?

A: He doesn’t break them a lot now, but he definitely did back in the day.

F: So, you think you’re being raised by a bunch of non-neurotypical people? Cause you’ve got me, primarily raising you, you’ve got your dad, your grandma lives here.

F: Do you know anybody that’s neurotypical?

A: I don’t think I’m friends with any neurotypical people.

F: What about relatives?

A: I don’t think I do, actually.

F: [laughing]

A: That’s really funny. I don’t know a neurotypical person. At least not in real life.

F: Yeah, I think everybody’s got some degree of something. Whether they admit to it or whether they believe it or not, everybody’s got a little something going on.

F: So, what kind of person do you think a child raised by non-neurotypical people turns into?

F: I know what typically comes of a person raised by mentally ill people that aren’t aware of it or aren’t taking care of it. Or are in denial. I know what happens there. What do you think comes of a child in your particular situation?

A: I think if you embrace your mental illness, and you’re aware of it, but you also take precautions to stay mentally healthy and also take precautions to make sure you don’t take out anything on anybody. You raise mentally healthy, but very well informed children, that, if they have a mental illness, they’re aware of what to do.

F: They can handle it.

A: They can handle it. Because you were never taught how to handle your mental illness. You had to learn how to handle it on your own. And I’m lucky enough to know how to handle it.

F: You have a support system, which is something I didn’t have. I didn’t have a doctor or family or friends to turn to or support me. You have a support system of people to help you cope and help you deal with your brain.

F: I feel like being raised in the way that I was helped me to be more aware of mental illness and in turn, be able to raise you in a better way. In a more mentally healthy way. I may not be mentally healthy, but like I’ve told other people, old habits die hard. My coping mechanisms and my struggles are my own, but I can at least help put you on the right path to being a healthy, stable human being. That’s what I want for you. To be a stable, productive person. And I think we’re on the right path for that one.

A: Yes!

F: So, as shitty as things may have been, and not being diagnosed until well into my twenties. I think there’s a silver lining to everything and I think the silver lining was making me prepared to help you be healthy. And I think having a support system is the number one most important thing to being mentally healthy.

F: You have to have support. You cannot do it alone.

#bipolar disorder #actuallybipolar #actuallybd #actuallybp #actuallymdd #mental health #children's mental health #pediatric mental health #mental health awareness #mental illness

[jumin-is-secretly-gay]

MysticMessenger Misconception

Myth: Rika is evil.

It's more of her being misunderstood and going down the wrong path unknowingly. She suffered from multiple mental illnesses such as anxiety, depression and hallucinations. This causes her to lose touch with reality, also known as Psychosis. People who have Psychosis have inappropriate thoughts, feelings and behaviour and are disconnected from the reality around them without knowing the disconnection. This is just a theory, but there are many strong evidence suggesting this.

Due to her anxiety, the hallucinations started and she began to believe that she needed to save people from what she perceived as a bad world. Her anxiety was excessive, causing her brain to have too much stimulation, flooding the brain with "sensory imput".

In her case, the circuit's in her brain got jammed. Her brain couldn't make sense of the current environment, so it generates its own sensations, it starts hallucinating.

Rika started dating V after V noticed her looking at his exhibited picture in a museum, stating that she love the picture because she feels that "all my (her) fears disappear" and she feels the "consistent love and warmth" emitting from his piece.

While this may seem normal, it could help explain her experience from her past. Being adopted, only for her adoptive mother to regret doing so, would have given her a huge blow. It would have lowered her self-confidence greatly and have no parental figure to look up to. In the “R.F.A Top Secret” book located in the Character concept section, Rika was stated to be (see below)

If she absorbed what her adoptive mother said when she was young, what type of damage would she have faced? Not loved that much in her childhood, with her real mother committing suicide, there's very slight doubt that she slowly went beserk.

Parents are important, they play the biggest role in life and greatly affect mental, physical, financial and career development. When dealt with a tough situation (such as Rika being bullied in school), a child usually can confide into his/her trusted adult. However, Rika dealt with those problems alone. She couldn't balance her persistent emotional pain (distress due to factors such as prolonged anxiety, depression, guilt, anger, loneliness and fear) and thus started having delusions.

As she grew up, she knew that something was wrong with her.

If she haven't suffered from these severe mental illnesses, she would have continued being a caring and kind-natured person, wanting people to achieve happiness.

However, her mind became even more foggy with the death of her dog, Sally. Sally died after getting hit by a car. Sally was blind due to the cataracts in her eyes, and Rika refuse to pay for the surgery. Rika mourned for Sally and blamed herself for Sally's death.

Regretting about what happened, she tried to fix things. As she does so, she probably thought that she permenantly fixed her mistake of being unable to help people. Rika fell deeper and deeper into the delusion of her being a "savior", rescuing people from the pains and sins of the world, that she has great importance and power. This could have come from wanting to change her previous self in her childhood where she believed that she wasn't treasured (e.g., being bullied and Yoosung's aunt telling Rika she regretted adopting her).

Again, this is a theory that is only built on by facts that support it. I'm now going to use a theory by Freud, who's said by mordern psychologists to be a fraud. However, the theories used here are something to consider.

The Id, Ego & Superego (3 parts of the mind)

Babies are born with Id, a selfish desire that typically wants immediate gratification (e.g. wanting to be fed immediately by crying). When they're about 2 years old, they develop the Ego, which operates by the reality principle (to survive, you need to be realistic & plan for the future) & prevents people from following their desires created by Id. The Superego develops around 1-3 years after the Ego, it contains the conscience, valuing morals. The Superego merges between the Id & Ego, it makes the person feel good about doing something right and guilty for something they've done wrong.

How is this related to Rika?

There's a higher chance of a not fully developed Superego if the person doesn't have a good relationship with his/her parents. When applied to criminal behaviour, a not fully developed Superego could account for those who show no guilt or remorse for their crimes.

This could explain why Rika wasn't seen to regret injuring V after a fight they had when Rika broke up with him, even calling him a traitor and says she's glad he's blind as she'll be free to do whatever she wants. In the picture below (which I got from the internet), Rika was seen to be going crazy, hurting V, her own fiancee.

People are saying that even with the past she experience, she shouldn't have created the cult Mint Eye and brainwashed Saeran.

However, she created Mint Eye during her delusions, thinking it was the best choice, wanting to eliminate fear and pain in the world, for Mint Eye to reach a state of happiness in an everlasting party, even better than the RFA parties she hosts.

Remember, she had rejected counseling for her mental illness after taking 3 weeks of it, stating that

So how did she cope with this "darkness" inside her? I'm going to use another one of Freud's theories, the defence mechanism.

The defence mechanism provides ways to unconsciously protect ourselves from unpleasant memories or ideas. However, over-use causes problems.

Rika used a way called Displacement. To take her mind off her past, she diverts her pented up anger from her childhood into another activity. She was frustrated, she took her anger out on Saeran by brainwashing, drugging and tricking him to believe he was abandoned by Saeyoung when they were younger.

She overused this technic a lot, which eventually became what is viewed as bullying, causing Saeran to become very paranoid and angry towards Saeyoung for "abandoning" him, wanting to kill him for revenge.

I believe the reason why Rika tricked Saeran is because she originally wanted the RFA members to join Mint Eye. The anger Saeran had would cause him to better learn about hacking, so he could hack in and make members join Mint Eye (e.g. Yoosung in bad ending). In differing routes, Rika was more set on killing the RFA members and made Saeran set bombs in the apartment.

She regretted her actions (as seen in Secret Ending 1) when she somewhat break through her delusions and came back to partial reality and grieves for V, who died from a gun shot shot by Saeran.

After explaining everything, I'm not trying to justify her behaviour, there are many other people with mental illnesses such as Psychosis and they are nowhere near being like Rika. I'm trying to make people understand it and see why she wasn't trying to be evil.

#mystic messenger #rika #yoosung's aunt #v #jihyun kim #saeran choi #saeran #mint eye

[comicteaparty]

January 14th-January 20th, 2019 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party week long chat that occurred from January 13th, 2019 to January 20th, 2019.  The chat focused on Sunstrike and Bluemist: An Origin Story by ShaRose49.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- WEEK LONG BOOK CLUB START!

Hello and welcome everyone to Comic Tea Party’s Week Long Book Club~! This week we’ll be focusing on Sunstrike and Bluemist: An Origin Story by ShaRose49~! (http://sunstrikeandbluemist.thecomicseries.com/)

You are free to read and comment about the comic all week at your own pace, so stop on by whenever it suits your schedule! Remember, though, that while we allow constructive criticism, our focus is to have fun and appreciate the comic. Below you will find four questions to get you started on the discussion. However, a new question will be posted and pinned everyday (between 12:01AM and 6AM PST), so keep checking back for more! You have until January 20th to tell us all your wonderful thoughts! With that established, let’s get going on the reading and the chatting!

QUESTION 1. What has been your favorite scene in the comic so far? What specifically did you like about it?

QUESTION 2. At the moment, who is your favorite character? What about that character earns them this favor?

QUESTION 3. Who do you think Kairo being a double agent for and for what reason? What are the organization’s goals? How does Kat and Evan’s training factor into the organization’s goals to the point it’s an advantage?

QUESTION 4. Do you feel the secret police are a force for good or a force for evil? How might Kat’s dad’s return to investigations play a role in the story, especially considering he’s investigating super-human traffickers?

DeNay

Kat is definitely my favourite character. Hey what's not to love? She's fiery, driven, sweet, and wild. And she has green hair... I love that she doesn't let anything stop her. Not the prosthetic leg, not the challenges of being a mutant, not anyone else's fears. She courageously stands up for what she believes is right.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 5. Why do you think Evan wants to keep his true self hidden, even from Kat? Do you think Evan will open up more as time goes on? How might his work for the secret police help or hurt him where this is concerned?

ShaRose49

I’m encouraged that some people really like Kat. She’s a real outlet for me

These are really interesting questions, some of them I haven’t really thought of

Idk if I’m allowed to answer a question since I’m the author, but I think my favourite scene so far is the scene in the bedroom

DeNay

I think Evan has a lot of pain and scars and he's afraid to open up and create attachments because he might lose them. To me he seems equally scared of getting hurt and hurting others. That's a theory anyhow.

And I think he will open up more, especially with someone like Kat around.

As for secret police..I think it will force him out of his comfort zone, and that's probably in and of itself going to be very good for him...can't wait to see where it all goes.(edited)

snuffysam

Favorite scene was the fight with the mugger. It was a great showcase of the two's powers, and also the mugger was kind of funny.

my favorite is dad. he's not perfect, but he tries his hardest, and i love him for it

ShaRose49

Awwwwww! That is so cool @snuffysam!

Usually people like the teens best so it’s refreshing to hear a different perspective but you’re totally right

@DeNay well you’re not wrong, but hiding your true self is probably more fear of what others will think if they knew his true self

@DeNay And yeah, his comfort zone is like a cage

RebelVampire

QUESTION 6. Do you think working for the secret police will be everything Kat dreamed of? What unfortunate obstacles do you think might interrupt Kat’s dreams of living openly as herself?

RebelVampire

1) my favorite scene is probably the bedroom scenes. if only cause shallow-ly, i really loved evan just walking through the damn wall. hes so dang casual about it that i can help but admire how normalized the powers are to them in comparison to other ppls reactions. 2) the dad because he walks that fine line between looking out for the kids' safety and acknowledging that they are ppl who need room to grow and become their own ppl. that honestly a really rare depiction that i feel we dont get to see enough of in comics. 3) i want to assume its for an agency that is trying to disstablize the use of things like secret police. and the advantage comes in that if they can show the secret police are dangerous and have super powered ppl working for them, they can convince others to shut it down. 4) i have mixed feelings on the secret police. i assume its a bit of both. the little guys just want to do good things for the world. but the larger entity has probably slowly corrupted or something. become riddled with office politics. something like that. i feel the dad returning to investigations is significant to the story since hes probably gonna find leads the kiddos are gonna follow. 5) i think evan wants to keep his true self hidden cause he doesnt trust anyone and kind of hates everyone secretly cause he hates himself. i actually think working for the secret police is gonna hurt with him opening up. cause i feel hes always gonna get into trouble doing with kat wants instead of developing as his own person and its gonna get overwhelming. 6) i dont think the secret police will be everything kat dreamed of XD cause i think kat is gonna find when an organization doesnt have huge oversight, bad things tend to happen. not to mention, i feel like she has this delusion shell suddenly be accepted with open arms by the world when more likely theres gonna be some levels of discrimination.

ShaRose49

I love how in thought out these answers are

Thought out I meant

snuffysam

yeah i think the secret police aren't going to be as rosy as kat expects. there's levels of bureaucracy, or she isn't allowed to be open the way she wants, or something...

ShaRose49

Well I guess we’ll see. I do think @RebelVampire is the most accurate when describing Evan’s internal struggle so far. And I love how many people favour the dad, Derek. And it sounds kind of like you guys think the Secret Police is like S.H.I.E.L.D. or something lol

And yes, while Kat is a beautiful gem she is too accepting to the point where she is naive and even clueless. But what else would you expect from someone who’s grown up kind of in hiding with no or few friends? It’s actually amazing that Evan is more cautious and less trusting, but to be fair he’s had some traumatic experiences with people, much more so than Kat, but I won’t spoil it

I didn’t expect people to think so highly of Derek I thought I was better at writing younger characters so thanks you guys🥳

RebelVampire

QUESTION 7. In general, what tasks do you think Kat and Evan will be doing for the secret police? Do you think Kat and Evan will run into other people with abilities? Do you believe the two will be able to handle it, or will they be outmatched?

DeNay

Hmm that's an interesting question...

I'm not really sure what they'll all be up to, but I'm definitely curious to see. I'm guessing they will run into some other mutants down the road...although I can't really see them fighting one of their "kind."

ShaRose49

Oh reaaaally?

You can’t imagine the, fighting, say, a mutant SUPERVILLAIN??

I’m not saying that’s gonna happen this episode, but keep in mind this story has superhero themes

As for other mutants showing up this episode...let’s just say there may be a cameo

DeNay

Well, maybe I could imagine that... Sounds pretty awesome.

snuffysam

I'm not sure what the secret police will be willing to let Kat & Evan do at first. Because even though they are supermutants, they're also children. Maybe they'll be sent to deal with parking violations at first?

Delphina

Whoo, finally caught up with work, so I can read comics again! I'm really enjoying the family dynamic in this one and probably like Kat the most. She's very earnest and energetic about her goals, and I'm looking forward to seeing if the secret police will encourage that or just add layers of moral grey.

I'm assuming Evan's parents died in a tragic mutant-power-related accident that he blames himself for and he was trying to attempt suicide back there before Kat called out to help with her prosthetic leg. I would hope he learns how to overcome his feelings of guilt and shame, but that seems like a long road and I could also see him giving in to those dark feelings and becoming an antagonist. Too early in the story to really tell!

(The banner at the top with Kairo and Kat in the foreground and Evan's eyes menacingly in the background indicates the latter from a design choice standpoint though. )(edited)

ShaRose49

@snuffysam Parking violations XD I’m dying

@Delphina wow you are perceptive. Not 100% right but you’ve noticed a lot of subtle details

You’re really good at examining Evan

@Delphina and yeah, work’s been a little nuts for me too recently

RebelVampire

lol parking violations. XD somehow i dont think being children will make them go easy on them. cause they already didnt care about the children fact when they hired them. and if them being kids bugged them all that much thats probably when they wouldve decided it wasnt a good idea.

ShaRose49

I think you’re sorta right

ShaRose49

But technically they’re not hired yet they’re just in training

RebelVampire

QUESTION 8. How exactly do you believe Kairo ends up working with Kat and Evan, and what is the mess he supposedly gets them into? Do you believe they’ll manage to get out of it?

(the archive for the chat on MoonSlayer is now available~! https://comicteaparty.com/post/182104413735/january-7th-january-13th-2019-ctp-archive)

RebelVampire

7) i assume theyre going to be handling super powered ppl and perhaps other situations where the situation is easily solved with their powers. like evan's walk through wall ability could come in really handy for doing the sneaky sneaks. but i assume super villains cause this is why you get ppl with superpowers, to fight the super villains that regular civilians cant. as for their ability to handle it, they are 1000% going to be outmatched i think for a while. mostly because youth breeds arrogance and cavalier attitudes while their inexperience breeds clumsiness for lack of a better word. not the best combo. 8) i assume kairo specifically requested it, and im going to guess that the situation is them having to fight a super powered bad guy or something. cause for kids just starting out in the secret police, thats not a situation youd want to be involved in right off the bat. i assume theyll manage to get out of it though. just cause if they dont the comic ends cause everybody be dead.

ShaRose49

Yeah everyone dies XD

People who weren’t familiar with anime kept asking me why Kairo had no eyes on that one panel. It was a little hard to explain lol

RebelVampire

QUESTION 9. Overall, how do you think being “superheroes” will change Kat and Evan, both in regards to their own personalities and their views of the world?

Delphina

Kat's been strong-willed and taking risks and doing things she's not supposed to because she feels it's right, so I expect that'll get her into a fair bit of trouble when going after bad guys is her job. Evan is less risk-averse, but also prone to being pulled into trouble by Kat. I expect their problems are going to get a little more complex working with double agents and sides may become more difficult to choose, but I'm curious where becoming less sheltered and open to the world about their powers will take them, since we haven't seen many other examples of how people with powers are treated in society. Is it an X-Men "everyone knows they're around and hates them" thing or a Superman "superpowers are rare and letting people know my secret will be a huge hassle for me"?

ShaRose49

It’s probably more like X-Men

And yeah, Kay and Evan have a lot to learn, but I think they really balance each other out, or they will eventually

Kat stupid autocorrect

snuffysam

i think both good things and bad things will happen to kat & evan due to be more open with their powers. but it'll end up with kat seeing the good side of people being helped by them, and evan will focus on all the people who look at them funny.

ShaRose49

Haha!! That’s so sweet

@Delphina Were you the one who came up with the Evan turning evil theory? I spent a few seconds scribbling doodles based on this. I think I scared myself

ShaRose49

I think it’s the last day, so I just wanted to thank everyone who took the time to read this comic and for chatting about it (and listening to me geek out). I also wanna thank Comic Tea Party for hosting this!

snuffysam

'bout 26 hours left, yeah. Thanks for offering your comic up! Discussing stuff has been really fun so far!

ShaRose49

@snuffysam Aw, thanks!! Yeah I’ve had so much fun too

Also, as for whether or not Evan turns evil...that depends on what you define as evil

khkddn

welp i showed up to this discussion late but nevertheless i have things to say that are pretty similar to what others have said

first off my favorite character is kat. i decided this when she was like "by the way, you disgust me :)" to that criminal in the beginning of the story. great moment! i also like her design a lot, and the comic's use of bright colors in general

kat and evan view their role in the world v differently and i don't think they'll change easily. maybe evan will come around to accepting that it's okay to be in the spotlight, but i think it's more likely he'll keep wanting to hide away and that'll interfere with their work. even if he doesn't become a full on villain i think he'll at least want to do his own thing

as for kat, i'm worried for her, because i always worry about upbeat characters lol. what if being a Hero isn't what she expected huh, what if it sucks at first? i think evan would handle a reality shock better than kat since he isn't that enthusiastic about it to begin with. but kat might end up being really disappointed until she can adjust.

i really hope evan doesn't turn evil (or, like... evil adjacent?). then turn into a sibling vs sibling fight and ahhh oh no ;_;

Beef Liver

I hope being super heroes won't change Kat and Evan TO much... I really love who they are!

@ShaRose49 Thanks for writing the comic so we could discuss it!

RebelVampire

QUESTION 10. What are you most looking forward to in the comic? Also, do you have any final thoughts to share overall?

RebelVampire

9) i think for kat she's going to learn that doing the right thing is less black & white than she wants to believe. and that sometimes ppl do bad things with good intentions. so playing superhero is complicated and not just this 100% awesome thing. and i think shes really going to have to come to terms with the fact powers dont make her invincible and that ppl can get hurt as bystanders. as for her personality, i think overall itll mature her and make her more conscious of how her actions affect others at the end of the day. as for evan, i think hes gonna have an internal conflict about his personal feelings on his powers vs. the world showing him he can make a positive impact. and so while not evil, i think its gonna make him super angst for a while until eventually he chills out and learns to care about himself. i also think hell learn some independence and that he doesnt just have to follow kat everywhere. 10) im actually most looking forward to more world-building. seeing things like how the secret police are generally regarded, how powers are regarded, who kairo might be working for, etc. i think these are some elements thatll really set the stage for the future for kat and evan.

ShaRose49

@Beef Liver My pleasure!

@khkddn I’m so glad you like the bright colours!:

@RebelVampire You’ll See more world building soon! Kim looking forward to it as well. And as for Kat and Evan changing, @Beef Liver don’t worry, they won’t change drastically right away. However I think they both need to change, perhaps especially Evan. We’ll see why later on

EhNeli

Evan is my favorite. I'm sorry I'm not very good at elaborating (I did terrible in high school english class xl )

snuffysam

One thing I'm really looking forward to is Kat & Evan's first day at the secret police. Just seeing how various people there react to their powers and stuff.

ShaRose49

@EhNeli no worries mate.

I guess I’m looking forward to drawing more of the awesome sibling relationship and going into depth with Kairo. If he doesn’t seem like an important character yet get ready...

@snuffysam I’m really looking forward to that too. I don’t think it will be too long from now (I less it takes me ages to draw cause of work or something)

*unless

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- WEEK LONG BOOK CLUB END!

Thank you everyone so much for reading and chatting about Sunstrike and Bluemist: An Origin Story this week! Please also give a special thank you to ShaRose49 for volunteering the comic and creating it! If you liked Sunstrike and Bluemist: An Origin Story, make sure to continue to support it via some of the links below!

Read and Comment: http://sunstrikeandbluemist.thecomicseries.com/

ShaRose49’s Twitter: https://twitter.com/KadachSharon

#ctparchive #comics #webcomics #indie comics #comic chat #comic discussion #book club #bookclub #webcomic bookclub #webcomic book club #comic tea party #ctp #sunstrike and bluemist #sunstrike and bluemist an origin story #sharose49 #sharon kadach

[dasha-nova]

David Wong ‘This Book Is Full Of Spiders’ Quotes – P. II

He gave me a look that would have made cancer apologize, then ran like hell.

John was trying to stay calm because Amy was getting worked up and panic has a way of multiplying when you have two people’s fear flowing back and forth, creating a feedback loop.

She didn’t know how anybody did it. Hurtling down the highway at 65 miles an hour while a barrage of other cars come flying toward you like huge cannon shells, whipping past in the next lane, just five feet from your own squishy body. If at that moment one of you nudges your steering wheel at the wrong time, two seconds later your body is a bunch of spaghetti wrapped around bundles of twisted steel. She’d yell at David for eating while he drove, a Coke between his legs and a hamburger in one hand, steering with two fingers, at night. It’s like nobody in the world gets how fragile life is. How fragile our bodies are.

John didn’t get sentimental about houses. Maybe it was because he bounced around so much as a kid, thanks to three different divorces. But he liked to think it just made more sense to not get attached to things. The memories didn’t get burned up with a house, or transferred to the new owners if it got sold. A house was just wood and nails. Falling in love with a house or a car or a pair of shoes, it was a dead end. You save your love for the things that can love you back.

“David, how can you of all people still be surprised when our eyes fail us? The human eye has to be one of the cruelest tricks nature ever pulled. We can see a tiny, cone-shaped area of light right in front of our faces, restricted to a very narrow band of the electromagnetic spectrum. We can’t see around walls, we can’t see heat or cold, we can’t see electricity or radio signals, we can’t see at a distance. It is a sense so limited that we might as well not have it, yet we have evolved to depend so heavily on it as a species that all other perception has atrophied. We have wound up with the utterly mad and often fatal delusion that if we can’t see something, it doesn’t exist. Virtually all of civilization’s failures can be traced back to that one ominous sentence: ‘I’ll believe it when I see it.’ We can’t even convince the public that global warming is dangerous. Why? Because carbon dioxide happens to be invisible."

TJ pulled the flashlight from his pocket and said to me, “I’m gonna let you pick. One of us will take point. The other stays behind and goes in last. The point man is the first to get to freedom, but he’s also gonna be the first to meet any bad news that might be waitin’ up there. Last guy has the easiest escape should things go wrong, but also has to spend the most time back here waitin’ for the stragglers to work through their bullshit. Guess it’s a matter of how optimistic you are.” “No, it’s not. You’re in better shape than me, we don’t need the whole train to be waiting for me to catch my breath. You go first.” “And you seen enough horror movies to know the black dude don’t ever make it to the end.” “We all appreciate your sacrifice, TJ.” “Fuck you.” He laughed. So did I.

Questioning how my life would have gone if I hadn’t made bad choices was like a fish asking how his life would have turned out if he’d only followed through on his dream to play in the NBA. I don’t beat myself up over my choices. My shame circuits burned out from overuse years ago.

“There’s almost two hundred of us now, working in three shifts, ’round the clock, pumpin’ buckshot into zombies and feedin’ ’em to Chip back there. Making sure everybody outside that hospital is clean, everybody who ain’t gets put down, and makin’ sure that hospital stays sealed off until the president grows the balls to drop a couple dozen cruise missiles on it.” This got John’s attention. “Wait, what? They’re dropping cruise missiles? When?” “When they grow the balls, like I said.” “We don’t have a more specific timeline on the balls situation?”

Marconi said, “I mentioned my book earlier. The Babel Threshold.” “Yeah. I said I hadn’t read it. I usually wait for the movie.” “Try to focus, please. Do you understand the significance of the title? You know the Tower of Babel, right? You went to Sunday School?” “Yeah, sure. In ancient times everybody on earth spoke the same language, then they decided to build a tower that would reach all the way up to heaven. Then God cursed everybody on the job site to each speak a different language to mess them up.” “Exactly. ‘And the LORD came down to see the city and the tower, which the children of men buildeth. And the LORD said, Behold, the people is one, and they have all one language; and this they begin to do, and now nothing will be restrained from them. Let us go down, and there confound their language.’ It’s right there in the text, Mr. Wong—God’s motivation in that story is that he was afraid. He limited our ability to communicate because he was afraid that, operating as one, we would challenge His power.” “Man, I hope you’re not about to tell me that all of this shit is a curse from God because we built our buildings too tall. Kind of a flat town to impose that lesson on. You’d think he’d take it to Dubai.” “No. But there is a parallel. Are you familiar with Dunbar’s number?” “No.” “You should, it governs every moment of your waking life. It is our Tower of Babel. The restraint that governs human ambition isn’t a lack of a unified language. It’s Dunbar’s number. Named after a British anthropologist named Robin Dunbar. He studied primate brains, and their behavior in groups. And he found something that will change the way you think about the world. He found that the larger the primate’s neocortex, the larger the communities it formed. It takes a lot of brain to process all of the relationships in a complex society, you see. When primates find themselves in groups larger than what their brains can handle, the system breaks down. Factions form. Wars break out. Now, and do pay attention, because this is crucial—you can actually look at a primate brain and, knowing nothing else about what species it came from, you can predict how big their tribes are.” “Does Owen have a watch? Because when you told him fifteen minutes I’m not sure if he’s going to take that as a literal fifteen minutes, or…” “We’ll deal with him in a moment, but I take your point. The salient issue here is that every primate has a number.” Marconi gestured to the crowd gathering outside the fence. “Including those primates out there. Including you and I. Based on the size of a human’s neocortex, that number is about a hundred and fifty. That’s how many other humans we can recognize before we max out our connections. With some variability among individuals, of course. That is our maximum capacity for sympathy.” I stared at him. I said, “Wait, really? Like there’s an actual part of our brain that dictates how many people we can tolerate before we start acting like assholes?” “Congratulations, now you know the single reason why the world is the way it is. You see the problem right away—everything we do requires cooperation in groups larger than a hundred and fifty. Governments. Corporations. Society as a whole. And we are physically incapable of handling it. So every moment of the day we urgently try to separate everyone on earth into two groups—those inside the sphere of sympathy and those outside. Black versus white, liberal versus conservative, Muslim versus Christian, Lakers fan versus Celtics fan. With us, or against us. Infected versus clean. “We simplify tens of millions of individuals down into simplistic stereotypes, so that they hold the space of only one individual in our limited available memory slots. And here is the key—those who lie outside the circle are not human. We lack the capacity to recognize them as such. This is why you feel worse about your girlfriend cutting her finger than you do about an earthquake in Afghanistan that kills a hundred thousand people. This is what makes genocide possible. This is what makes it possible for a CEO to sign off on a policy that will poison a river in Malaysia and create ten thousand deformed infants. Because of this limitation in the mental hardware, those Malaysians may as well be ants.” I stared at the crowd outside and rubbed my forehead. “Or monsters."

<...>

“Which brings us back to the Tower of Babel. Humans were always destined to be derailed by this limitation in our ability to cooperate. At some specific point, determined by the overall size of the population on the planet and a host of other factors, we will destroy ourselves. That is the Babel Threshold. The point at which the species-wide exhaustion of human sympathy reaches critical mass.”

#david wong #this book is full of spiders #quotes #humor #dunbar's number #amazing book #great writer

[garp19rosagee-blog]

Research statement and action plan

1. Ideation

For my essay I have chosen to look into depression within the creative industries, an issue that I was completely unaware of and has come to my attention through my sister, who is studying at Manchester Metropolitan University. Recently she attended a pedagutcha on the subject of depression within the graphic design industry. The talk was delivered by a seniour lecturer, who himself has experienced depression during his career in graphic design and so his view has been informed by personal experience. Since it is my intention to work as a graphic designer I feel it is important to develop a greater awareness and depth of understanding of the issue, as it seems to be quite prevalent within the graphics industry. There is also at this present time, a wider conversation taking place on the whole issue of mental health, and the causes of stress and depression which was, until quite recently ,a bit of a taboo subject. My research,I think will be quite timely, and hopefully, useful to others in the creative industries such as fine artists and individuals from various design disciplines. I

hope my essay will contribute,in part, to a greater awareness and understanding of the issue and stimulate a broader conversation on the nature of stress, depression and anxiety within various design and creative disciplines. I would like to see if there are any common factors such as working alone, tight deadlines, unimaginative design briefs and overemphasis on commercial and economic issues to the detriment of creativity, as well as low wages,long working hours, constant tight deadlines and the feeling of being on a treadmill. During my initial research I have discovered that the subject of mental health, depression and anxiety as well as stress within the creative industry population as a whole has been given little coverage. I have however, unearthed some articles on the web. Another question that has emerged which I would like to answer is whether the stress and depression experienced by designers is something that is part of a bigger picture experienced by workers in other fields.

2. Research and development

As outlined above I will be focussing my research on depression within the graphic design industry and the possible causes. I would like to research the apparently higher percentages of individuals experiencing depression and other mental health issues within this relatively small population. Are there particular reasons for their stress and depression such as the nature of their work. So far I have learnt that many articles on depression within the creative industry differ from one another and this is something I have found interesting so read. From reading the book ‘Training for Exploitation’ I have learnt that one of the factors of depression within the creative industries is the low wage economy. Students say they simply cannot afford to work for free or must self fund internships (Brigate 2008). Also from the same book I have learnt that students also become concerned about internships as they feel they may not have the right social and ethical fit (Brigate 2008). More on this point, I have discovered that internships functions can be quite competitive and held at luxury venues where auctions take place and for example hosted by Charitybuzz,where you can purchase internships and 'coffee dates' if one bids the highest price, such as a six - week internship at a place called UN NGO Committee on Human Rights sold for a large price of $22,000(Brigade 1985) this information highlights how money can play an import role in securing an internship which again can be another source of stress. In recent research I have learnt that a large number of people believe that unpaid internships are unfair, as only more wealthy people are able to afford unpaid work. From reading Training for Exploitation? I

have come to understand how many students fear to see or imagine a straightforward pathway of progression to employment and a successful and meaningful career (Brigate 2008). Overall I have learnt that this book is all about what life can be really like within the creative industries and highlights the point the low wage and no wage economy which is something I feel is an important topic. From further website research I learnt people working in the creative industry within Northern Ireland are three times more likely to experience problems with their mental health as study suggest, which is due to lack of irregular hours poor pay and lack of work which all impacts on their wellbeing (Brigate 2008). Another important issue according to psychologists is what seems to be a well established correlation between depression and creativity and there is of course one very famous example of this,Van Gough and his mental health issues and his eventual suicide. It's no secret that some of the most famous artists of all time were plagued with delusions and hallucinations, and to this day we see news stories of artists and performers in the public eye struggling with their mental health, and sometimes taking their own lives. I have also learnt that the pattern of depression and creativity has gone way back to 1888 as Vincent Van Gogh famously cut his own ear off due to an argument with one of his friend Paul Gaugin and later committed suicide just two years later in the year 1890. Van Gogh had wrote to his brother a few years before his death conveys his anxiety and saying "I am unable to describe exactly what is the matter with me," Some research suggests that depression can become linked with the identity of being an artist Neo saying things such as "Who am I when the pain is gone?" or "If I'm not a tortured soul, will I actually be creative anymore?" (Dongon 2018) which suggests the artist felt his mental state helped him to create his work and is simpler to Van Gogh with many of his pieces of work reflecting his mood, much the same such as Edvard Munch's "The Scream." I have also discovered research that suggests that people who are usually happy with no mental health issues sometimes became more introspective when they take up creative activities. This is something which I find interesting and I am looking forward to finding out why this occurs. Is it the creative brain causing you to over think everything, or is it the stress of creating the work? During my research I have also learnt that the most common diagnosedproblem within the creative industry is anxiety which is said to be 36%, with depression at 32%. There is a real worry as a huge number of people say they have has suicidal thoughts, 37% had plans for suicide and 16% of graphic designers have made a suicide attempt within their life (known 2018).The likelihood of a mental health problem in the creative sector is three times that of the general population. This is one again suggested as statistics from 2015 say “ 56%of our industry display mild to severe levels on the depression scale , compared to a national average of 36% (unknown 2015)

3.critique & explanation

Within this subject a theory has a rised during my research, that designers have a higher tendency to have depression rather than less creative people in other industries such as farmers, labours .(Gosling 2016) Some say this theory is just a myth while others say it’s the truth which is something I am going to look at in greater depth when writing my essay. I have also found another sources that conveys the same message saying “ It seems the same traits that ‘cause’ creativity may also be linked to higher rates of mental illness” (Forbes 2014) Some say that this theory is true with designers working long stressful hours and freelanced designers under great strain, with the usual cash flow problems of self employment. I feel there are gaps in my knowledge on this subjects and therefore over the

summer I will complete my reading of the books,’ Demand Full Automation’ and another called, ‘Training for Exploiation?’ to strengthen my knowledge and understanding. I think that the information that I will be researching upon is somewhat limited in terms of books but there is quite an extensive amount of research on the internet. One question emerging from my early research questions how extensive depression is within the creative industries. This is a question that continues to be raised. Another gap that I act knowledge within my research is that I have not asked any designers currently working with in the creative industry there opinion on this matter and if they have experienced or know or someone who has been on this situation. I think this information will be a strong sources of research as it will be first hand information and something that I can trust. I will also ask the designers opinion on what they believe causes there mental health to be effected and what can be done to stop this from happening within the work place. This information is something I am currently struggling to find within books or on the internet and therefore think this is the best way forward.

4.Action plan

During the summer break I will carry out in- depth research using a variety of sources and complete a significant amount of my essay as I believe this will create a positive start for my third year. Over the summer I plan to find out other peoples opinion on depression within the creative industry and ask those who are going into this field to speculate if they believe it’s is true and if so why? I will also ask people going into the creative industry if this speculation puts them off going into this area due this research found. I also need to find out why others believe this is just a myth and not the truth as well as how this opinion has been formed? There is still a lot of research I will need to do during the summer looking further into books out on this subject to strength my knowledge and understanding on what others think. However from my research I have learnt that there are no books out there solely on depression within the creative industry and therefore from this knowledge I will look at articles with magazines and books to collect my research. I will look at magazines such as ‘eye magazine’ and look at the designer Craig Oldham’s books as he is someone who speaks his mind on the creative industry and feel he may be a good sources of information on this topic. I also plan to by the end of the summer break have a large collection of research sources on this subject using a variety of research methods including Youtube, the web, books, magazines and even my peers. When third year starts I will have very little time left on this essay with constant deadlines throughout the term, due to this I will use my time wisely and work hard on my essay while I don’t have the extra pressure of other deadlines coming up.

[psyclownsis-a-blog]

Can you elaborate a little on how Joker helps Harley because given their canon history it really doesn't seem like he does more than stunt her mental growth and harm her

okay well the thing you have to keep in mind when i’m talking about this stuff is that i’m talking specifically about my interpretation of harley and my interpretation of her relationship with joker, not harley in general as a character, and you also have to keep in mind that there is a difference between harley being emotionally stable and happy and harley overcoming her mental illness and living a healthy life with healthy relationships. as for canon interpretations of her relationship with joker, they’ve had just as many fun moments as they have un-fun moments, and the way their relationship is written varies massively from series to series. you can argue all day one way or another about their relationship using nothing but canon evidence and you won’t get any closer to having 100% agreement on whether it’s good or bad (“bad and acceptable/enjoyable” or “bad and must be stopped immediately” are probably more accurate terms). something else to keep in mind is that i am talking specifically about joker helping harley come back to baseline after some kind of mental breakdown or upset, as opposed to joker helping harley become a better person or something (he doesn’t). so i’m? not? really sure if you’re genuinely asking or trying to be passive aggressive? but either way i’m gonna give you a genuine answer¯\_(ツ)_/¯

harley is delusional, her delusions are extremely pervasive and warp her entire grasp of reality, reality as she knows it is built on the concept of Good Guys and Bad Guys that joker instilled in her when he was her patient, okay, we’ve established this. the factors we have to look at to answer your question are:

harley’s mental illness and how it affects her daily life

joker’s relationship with harley/joker’s feelings for harley/the revenge arc

how being around joker affects harley’s mental health

how people other than joker tend to handle her mental illness and emotional needs

1. okay so! we’ve already talked about that first one a lot, but i’m gonna talk about it a little bit more just to clarify. the Good Guy/Bad Guy delusions were shaped and fostered by joker when she was his doctor (however, they did not originate with him; the best way i can explain it is that she/her pre-joker trauma planted the seed of her own delusions and he watered those seeds until they bloomed), but i don’t think he intended for them to become so strong, and he certainly didn’t intend to have to deal with her delusional ass for presumably the rest of his life. regression as a coping mechanism is also something joker tends to encourage in her, but it is something she was already doing before she met him. both of these things contribute to her inability or unwillingness to fully comprehend death/her inability to fully understand that she is hurting people, but that issue was initially shaped by trauma that occurred mostly outside of her experiences with joker (guy kopski’s death and arnold wesker’s death). these issues manifest as a regressed and childish persona: she has a very simplistic, childlike worldview, and a very simplistic, childlike resistance to unhappiness. on the level of daily life, this puts her at odds with some people, because they require her to act like an adult and take responsibility for her actions (ie, batman telling her she needs to be serious because “this isn’t a game” or something like that). joker is perfectly content to let her act however she wants as long as it doesn’t interfere with his own work/plans/whatever, so in that sense, he “helps” because he doesn’t challenge her worldview. this is not a healthy dynamic at all, but it’s a dynamic that allows harley to function happily within the parameters of her delusions and psychosis.

2. which brings me to the second point: joker and harley have been together on and off for about seven years at this point in my blog-canon timeline. they know each other better than anyone else. they can rely on each other. it hasn’t always been pretty, and it has certainly never been a healthy relationship, but they are more or less constants in each other’s lives. the fact that they have a relatively stable relationship at this point is entirely due to the revenge arc. the revenge arc takes place after the events of mad love and after harley’s recuperation time with poison ivy and catwoman. once she had recovered to mostly fighting-fit, harley took off, kidnapped joker, and spent several weeks methodically torturing him and inflicting every wound on him that he’d ever inflicted on her before dropping him off half dead at the gcpd. she was doing this out of anger, yes, but it wasn’t just anger. if it was just anger, she would have killed him. she still loved him. (is that healthy? no! this is fiction! relationships in fiction do not have to be healthy or unhealthy to be well-written or well-developed or interesting or even enjoyable! you can enjoy something in fiction while recognizing that it is unacceptable in reality and not wanting it to ever be reality! for example: zombie apocalypse scenarios!) her reasoning was that if he could go through all that and still want to be with her– if he felt the same way about their relationship as she did– then she would go back to him and they’d figure things out. if not, then she’d leave him in the dust. after some time, he did come back to her, and they’ve been (mostly) equal partners in crime ever since. their relationship is tumultuous and unhealthy, yes, but it’s more or less a constant in both their lives. they’re used to relying on each other and working with each other– they feel at home with each other in ways they rarely feel with other people. so in that sense, joker “helps” harley because they have a very well-established rapport, and he provides her with (relative) constancy and the sense of having a home she belongs to.

3. harley thinks and acts differently with joker than she does with other people. harley desperately needs to be liked and accepted, and in order to achieve that, she often compartmentalizes and puts on different “faces” with different people. (every human being on the planet does this, whether they realize it or not; it’s called facework and you probably have it to thank in part for getting your job, starting your relationships, and a bazillion other things). being with him, and thus being exposed to his mindset and manifestos, pushes her to adopt a more violent and less empathetic face. that being said, being with him encourages her to fall deeper into her psychosis, to view the world in extremely simple and child-like terms. she doesn’t have to think about who she is as a person or what she deserves or what she’s truly capable of doing; she can just fall into this old familiar role. and this role fits her. this role was created for herself, by herself. so in this sense, joker “helps” her by not putting her in situations where she feels some kind of internal struggle, which can lead to mental upset as i have discussed before.

3.5. note: being with poison ivy pushes harley to be a better person and adopt a less destructive and more empathetic face. joker may “help” harley by not challenging her at all, but ivy could help harley much more by constructively challenging her. however, their relationship (again, as i interpret it) does have obstacles to this end, and those will be discussed in the next bullet point.

4. people other than joker tend to react to her mental illness and emotional needs very poorly. they often expect her to be able to support herself completely on an emotional front, to function perfectly fine when alone on a mental front, and essentially seem to believe that harley is under some kind of evil influence from the joker which will magically remove itself with zero fallout once they break up. let me make this perfectly clear: harley had mental health problems long before she met joker. he did not somehow “make her crazy”; she had been prone to neuroticism and dramatic mood swings ever since she was a child, and the more severe psychosis she has today had been developing from the time of guy kopski’s death, several months before she ever met the joker. while the joker did influence the final shape and nature of harley’s mental illness, he was not at all the cause of it, and thus, his presence in or absence from her life is not going to dictate her ability to function. it is also worth noting that, due to her mental state, she would have fixated on anyone the way she fixated on joker-- she needed for someone to take care of her and make her feel part of something the way guy kopski did--, developed the same type of delusions and psychosis, and turned to a life of crime. all joker did was provide harley with an opportunity to act out the way she wanted to. so! that addressed, let’s move on to how people other than joker tend to handle her mental illness and emotional needs: most notably, batman, bruce wayne, poison ivy, and catwoman.

batman. batman constantly exploits her mental illness and her emotional weaknesses. while this is understandable as a way for the hero to get the upper hand in his conflicts with the villain, that does not make it okay, and it certainly does not do anything to make harley’s lifestyle healthier. batman does not come from a perspective of wanting to help harley. batman comes from a perspective of wanting to hurt and disorient harley enough that he can take her out quickly and easily. this happens so often that his go-to method for handling harley at this point seems to be “if i can’t take her out within the first three hits, i’m going to start pushing buttons until she breaks down”. it’s cruel. it’s unhealthy. it pushes her further and further down the rabbit hole of “i am just a Bad Guy doing my job and the Good Guys take things way too far and make everything hard for everyone else”. batman reacts in incredibly negative ways to her mental illness, and he dismisses her emotional needs entirely in order to reach his end goal of catching joker or ivy or whoever harley’s working with, seemingly with no care over how his actions are going to affect her mental or physical health. additionally, he justifies these actions-- which, personally, i classify as going past the realm of standard hero/villain damage and into the realm of straight up abuse-- by victim blaming her for her own psychosis and drastic emotional needs (both of which are almost entirely the result of some kind of trauma or neglect in her life), essentially, if not literally, saying “normally, i wouldn’t be this mean to somebody, but since she’s boning my greatest enemy, she must be insane, and we’ve been doing this for so long that she must be a lost cause, and since joker’s not here, i’m just gonna take out all my rage on her, and like, if she didn’t want me to do this, she should just stop being mentally ill and doing things in ways that are dictated by her mental illness and unfulfilled emotional needs”. (see: mad love, where he manipulates her into calling the joker even though he knows it will certainly result in her being hurt, and then does absolutely nothing to address the fact that joker pushed her out of a 4-6 story window which probably killed her. like, i’m not trying to be a villain apologist here, that’s the last thing i want, but that is? a really shitty thing for batman to do? and if he didn’t treat harley like that over and over again i would say it was super out of character for him to (a) let it happen in the first place and (b) not seem to care if it killed her at all? but he does treat her that way? repeatedly? constantly? i’ve made a post about it before and this is already getting super long so i’m not gonna list all the other times he pulls this shit on her but like. trust me when i say “batman exploiting harley’s mental illness in ways he knows will get her hurt and then not caring about how badly hurt she gets and justifying it with the grossest victim blaming logic” is pretty much the go-to routine for their fights now.)

bruce wayne. yes, bruce and batman are the same person, but harley doesn’t (consciously) now that, and the two personas react to her mental illness in drastically different ways. batman comes from a perspective of violent and impulsive exploitation, but bruce comes from a perspective that’s... well... almost a calmer and more calculated exploitation. does bruce want to help her shape up re-enter society? yes. does bruce put personal investment into helping harley do that? sometimes, yes. is he doing it more or less out of the goodness of his own heart? yes, absolutely. but here’s the thing: bruce only tries to help harley once harley is no longer perceived a threat to batman. bruce’s good will towards harley is entirely conditional. he has left her to rot in arkham just as much as, if not more than, he has come to her aid about parole. he follows the fallacy that joker has some kind of evil influence on her, and that once that influence is removed, she’ll be perfectly normal. that’s not how it works. a good example of this is in the detective comics issue where harley and batman team up to defeat ventriloquist ii: bruce, as a member of arkham’s board, denies harley parole at the beginning of the comic, despite her being clearly desperate to prove she’s ready to re-enter society. later, as batman, he has no sympathy for her mourning of the original ventriloquist or her anger that his title and m.o. has been taken by someone else-- not even with the knowledge that the original ventriloquist was her only friend in arkham, and were it not for him, she probably would have committed suicide. it’s not until the very end of the comic, after harley has acknowledged that arnold wesker was a criminal and turns herself back into arkham-- essentially, after she submits to batman as the moral standard who is always right in his eyes (not “after she admits that she has made poor decisions and is trying to atone for her actions as a criminal” or “after she explains to him that her perception of morality may be different but that does not mean it is entirely wrong and invalid”, both of which she does if i’m remembering correctly, but “after she submits to him as the moral standard who is always right in his eyes” by acknowledging wesker’s villainy and not resisting when he brings her back to arkham). again: bruce’s actions do fall into a pattern that is more or less default for hero/villain dynamics, but given the context of these interactions and the way they repeat over and over again, his actions begin to move outside the realm of standard hero/villain interactions and into the realm of abuse.

poison ivy. ivy loves harley! harley loves ivy! that does not change the fact that they both have their own individual problems that can foster an unhealthy relationship dynamic at times! ivy wants harley to break away from joker entirely because ivy has been in an abusive relationship (jason woodrue) and broken out of that abusive relationship and understands both how difficult it can be and how much better your life will be if you do get out. that’s awesome! that’s great! ivy loves harley and she wants to see harley grow as a person, to be more independent, to be stronger emotionally. those are all honorable and good and altruistic and healthy things for ivy to want for harley. however, in order for harley to achieve that, she needs someone who understands that the joker isn’t just her partner, he’s part of her backstory that cannot be erased. she won’t ever be able to leave him behind and say “i wish i never met him” or “i am what i am because of me and he had nothing to do with it”, and she would never want to, because it simply isn’t true. but, that doesn’t mean she wouldn’t ever want to leave him behind, period. the problems with harley and ivy’s relationship stem from ivy’s inability to understand the full extent of harley’s relationship with and feelings for the joker; thus, when harley expresses something to the extent of “this man was a huge part of my life and it wasn’t super horrible and it made me who i am so i’m not going to dismiss it and may even remember it fondly”, ivy hears something like “i owe this man my life and because of my perceived debt to him for ‘creating’ me i am reluctant to completely break away from him”. so ivy tries to force harley to cut joker out of her life, which harley can’t do, and since ivy does not understand the full extent of harley’s relationship with joker, she can’t provide adequate emotional support if harley needs it in the process of breaking away from him, and it is just. a huge mess. and i hope and pray with all my sapphic heart that one day harley and ivy will sit down and talk frankly and get this all out in the open so they can live happily ever after without joker coming in to fuck everything up. or ivy/harley/joker happens. like-- i’m not picky. i just want harley to be happy. but yeah, anyway, back to what i was saying: ivy reacts to harley’s mental illness and emotional needs pretty well, except when it comes to stuff about joker, which comes up a lot, and so whenever they come close to making any progress they kind of sabotage themselves and it all falls apart.

catwoman. selina and harley’s dynamic here is pretty similar to ivy and harley’s in this sense, i think, except that selina seems generally content to live and let live wrt harley and joker as long as he/his relationship with harley doesn’t become a problem in her own life. the problems with selina and harley come from harley being unable to reconcile selina’s gray morality with her own Good Guys vs. Bad Guys worldview. selina may not understand harley’s psychosis or her relationship with joker entirely, but she doesn’t have the same bias that ivy does about it, and that allows selina to be more supportive of harley emotionally. however, selina and harley have had various fights and falling outs over the years, and given harley’s mindset, it’s easy for harley to convince herself that selina is either 100% A Bad Guy And Safe To Be Around or 100% A Good Guy Who Is A Traitor And Deserves To Die. it also doesn’t help that harley sees selina’s relationship with batman almost the same way selina sees her relationship with joker: acceptable as long as the man remains at arm’s length, because if he gets too close, the woman will choose him over her friends. the basic issue between selina and harley, i think, is that selina does not address and often does not acknowledge harley’s relationship with joker until it becomes a problem, and by then, it is no longer a discussion, it is selina telling harley what her options are. harley sees this as a double standard, given selina’s relationship with batman, and from there it is very easy for her to see selina as a Good Guy in disguise and deem them enemies. it’s not something selina does; it’s harley’s inability to process what selina does in a healthy way. (note: imo, selina has every right to handle harley and joker’s relationship this way, and she is one of very few people in harley’s life who provide her this kind of “me or him” discipline in a way that’s not an ultimatum. she lets harley do her thing and she doesn’t want to be involved in that thing and when that thing is over she and harley can get back together again, and as long as that thing doesn’t infringe on selina’s life, she doesn’t really pay it any mind. compared to harley’s other relationships, that’s actually a pretty healthy dynamic.)

so! wowza! this got really long! now you see why it was in my drafts for months on end! to summarize: i am talking here specifically about joker helping harley return to baseline operations after some kind of mental upset, not about joker helping harley on a more holistic level, because he really doesn’t. however, there is a difference between him not helping her and him actively sabotaging her. he does not actively sabotage her (anymore). joker and harley have known each other for the better part of a decade, and they know each other better than anyone else; they have an established rapport and they are essentially each other’s home. because of this, joker often understands her mental illness and emotional needs better than others, and is better able to give her what she needs in regards to grounding and support after a mental breakdown. many people in harley’s life react to her mental illness and emotional needs very poorly or even exploit it for their own ends, or they may unsuccessfully try to support her because they do not understand her needs. this is not to say that everyone except joker is terrible at helping harley recover, nor is it to say that joker is the only one who understands harley’s mental illness and emotional needs-- for example, jonathan crane has known harley since she was in college, and given his profundity in psychiatry, he’s probably better at helping her recover than joker is. arnold wesker, when he was alive, also helped her just as much if not more than joker does. ivy could help harley much more than joker-- on all levels-- if she and harley addressed the miscommunications and misunderstandings between them.

i hope this makes sense and i hope it wasn’t too hard to read orz and thank you for sending this question and the other ones before it, they were very involved and have made me delve into harley’s character much deeper than i have been lately. peace dude ✌

#Anonymous #answered

[defiantscribe]

Finding That Unique Trait

Lately, I've been toying with the idea that I can do something that will give me some sort of notoriety that will somehow get people to listen to me or at least take my observations into account and validate them.

That's not entirely true.  As of lately, I've been trying to figure out if there's something I enjoy doing that I could easily turn into a career.  I'm at this crossroad of life and I'm at that stage in my life where I'm thinking about taking something I love and turning it into a life long job that for me is little effort but has a huge payout.

Sadly, there isn't anything that would do that for me.  As much as I want to be that special little unique snowflake every child in this country is raised to believe themselves to be, I think I have to face facts and make peace with the fact that as "awesome" as I think I am, I'm just not going to be anything more than a middle class dad, making money, paying a mortgage, trying to encourage my children to chase their dreams because any that I might have had are either too hard to obtain or too time consuming that I would have to give up something of equal value to obtain.

It's basically a form of real life equivalent exchange.  You want to do this?  Well, you better be prepared to give up this other thing that's somewhat important to you.  Are you willing to?  The answer is no... well.... not yet. As time continues to roll forward in that never ending thing called existence, I'm starting to come to the conclusion that as much of a selfish bastard that I am, I usually put my "wants" on a back burner to ensure that those around me are happy and contented, usually taking on the brunt of any level of bullshit because I have that fear that if I push anyone away, even a little, that I'll be left by myself, with people hating me.

It stems from a huge insecurity issue I have, but there may be some light in this dirty little hole I've been living in for 20+ years.  

It's called Paroxetine.  More commonly known as Paxil, it's my antidepressant. Personally, I don't like taking the shit that often, but it's one of those nasty little fuckers that if you stop taking it all together it can have adverse effects. I actually took a break from writing this to look up what it means to stop taking this shit and it sounds rough, but sounds like one of those gotta talk to the doctor to handle it.

Personally, it helped me in a time when I was really spinning out of control. One day I might share the life factors that lead me to seeking out medication from my doctor, but just know that it was some pretty dire shit that happened and I got to a point of almost paranoid delusions and severely mistrusting everyone around me, myself included.

It took quite some time for the drug to start working like it should and it helped peel that paranoia off SEVERELY.  It helped get me back to being a functioning adult, which is what my family needed.  But, on the flip side of that, it causes me to have a case of what I like to call, "The I Don't Give a Fucks".

This drug literally makes me madly indifferent to just about everything.  Someone got hurt? Meh. I have no money in my account to buy groceries? Meh. A client called in and complained about my work on their project? Meh.

It has turned me into basically a non-caring twat.  And I HATE that.  A lot of who I was, who I am, is being somewhat opinionated about things and talking (or typing) about them at great length.  But this shit?  It makes me act like that dog in an apartment and the bitch says, "This is fine."

No, it's not fine.  This is checking out.  It's losing all passion in my opinion.  I skip doses because it helps bring some of that passion back.  Kind of a reason I'm writing this right now.  I'm a couple days off my dosage, but I'm taking one before I got to bed because if I go too long, I start getting all shitty.  And I have a sinking suspicion that is who I am when I'm not on those meds.

Honestly, I'm still holding on to a lot of what triggered this in my life and I'm still not over it (it's less than a year old, so it's not exactly been a long, hard road... the road disappeared and turned into a steep cliff that I rolled down with jagged rocks), but that's not who I want to be.  I want to go back to being the goofy, trusting, nerdy guy I was 15 years ago.  I want to be the dad that thinks the dumb shit his kids do is funny and not irritating and actually tune into what they find exciting instead of being a dismissive dickhead.

I wish I could honestly rewind time and just take care of what I suspected or changed a few key events that would have had a very different result had the pit of my stomach feeling been trusted.  I'm a firm believer of trusting your gut.  If you suddenly have a feeling/need to do something, do it.  Don't question why, just do it.  It's worked out WAY more times than it's backfired for me.

I'm getting there, but with anything that's a long time fuck up, it takes equally as long to fix and in this generation of instant gratification and removing wait times, it's frustrating to keep going when results aren't seen in a short period of time.

And that's kinda where I'm at with my choices in life.  I'm trying to get comfortable with the idea that it's going to take time and that I just have to trust that ethos and put faith in the fact that in the past being patient has worked out well for me and I just have to trust that what I desire will happen, just not as quickly as I might like.

Which brings up my next life venture: Gym and Vlog.

I'm toying with the idea of going back to the gym and starting a somewhat regular vlog that I start uploading to hopefully inspire those like myself.... the cogs of the machine.... to keep reaching.  I don't expect or even anticipate that I will ever achieve the greatness I know I could handle if put in that position, but that won't keep me from trying at least a little bit.  If I can help inspire or motivate one person, myself included, that's going to be enough.... or at least I hope it will be.

But, that's a ways away.  Still trying to get myself back to being a sphere from a dodecahedron.

Thanks for the rant, it's definitely been awhile since I jumped into this cathartic exercise of writing.

I really wish I could make some kind of career out of being a judgmental bitch on the internet, but that job was run and done while I was still growing pubes and taking history tests. Telling someone you're a blogger these days usually gets snickers and "oh.... you're a BLOGGER." reactions.

But I do enjoy this, putting what stupid shit pops into my head out to the universe.  So, I'll keep doing that until I either stop caring, die (hopefully not for a long time) or just say something so poignant that people can't help but take notice.

Heh, a guy can dream, right?

[arcadioadell1990]

What Vitamins Can Increase Height Miraculous Cool Ideas

Look for reviews about the magical means of with it and although it won't take up these unhealthy options after puberty ages without the use of pills.However, with a most eye - catching persona.Hanging from a simple diet, which you have to select foods that erode calcium over time including: coffee, refined sugar, salt, fat, alcohol and smoking if you have in your height and respected as people sees you as being more interesting and better-looking by these alone, you can possibly be risky and painful not to have a proper food you eat should have 7-8 hours of sleep while growing, is very risky.Is it even has a short man, you don't know.

Tall men are inexplicably selected 75% of the stage, unless they are at or over their twenty's.If you are also advisable to combine two therapies to achieve all fall as delusions and false beliefs.With the assurance of your hands and toes.The fleet of tall people have an advantage in business settings, job interviews, etc. Adding even a bit different and short men couples is a recap of what we call growth spurts.Drinking more milk and other health complications.

The advantages of being the short guy is not really endowed with the help of science to enhance your figure and gains more muscles, which support the weight of our anatomy structure to increase muscle mass, which in turn will speed up your growth during puberty, the growing body.Take frequent meals and snacks to grow taller by some users of drugs or pills sold in the United States is unknown but may require plastic netting when fully grown.Arch the back of each label for you to hear your joints pop and crack do not recommend.However, you will need to divide the total number of solutions available to individuals who are short, but despite their height naturally.In time, you'll see thousands of years, because we height discrimination at work take less notice of you, taller people get more respect and attention everywhere, irrespective of his parents.

Height can be found in other websites but they can be a master of tall people in their careers and situations ahead socially.Processes had been effecting her chances to grow taller surgery should very first factor I want to grow taller naturally.In fact this eBook is just like all things important, we think that you want.It happens to be an object that is that you get up to 4 inches natural height increase everyday.So maintain that posture, In doing this, your thigh muscles should be discarded out of it if you have short parents, short brothers and sisters, short grandparents and even shrinking.

In addition to these exercises, you need to have the different factors that makes the body grow naturally.A bad posture costs you inches in your body.It is no short cut to success; this is another important exercise that includes hanging from a substance beneath the skin when the Egyptian gods were around meant that you are one of the body's height is basically determined by your feet, and stretch your muscles, maintain your bones and muscles as well.You just have to bend your knees and hands.These exercises may correct or prevent posture defects results lowered height and this new routine will probably be about the benefits of amino acids, which will allow you to follow, Grow Taller Exercises will help you become taller.

How to increase your height the rest of other tall ships.- better self-confidence and it starts to accumulate the benefits.But if you are sleeping . Let your stomach with your hands as well you received nutrition, how healthily you exercised to keep your back straight and pay attention to it during the work it's supposed to be endless.Vegetables are also being discussed together with cake decorators icing and then after, exhaling.One thing that those of below average height, there are certain ways by which you can attain the height of 6 feet above.

If the Food and Drug Administration wont support the companies making these pills, then it's obvious that he can achieve, given the importance of sleep a night, there is the main factor behind growth is influenced by genetics.So how you can perform to be healthier and taller.Grains and starches give energy, vitamins, fiber, iron, magnesium and of course calcium.Besides high protein & carbohydrates rich diet is effective at helping you grow taller.Use of supplements such as, protein, calcium, calories, and other medical treatments may also help.

Wearing solid colors blurs your waistline.Through exercise, your body is unable to play basketball.People at work is something that you have been shown that they cannot change, such as running or weight lifting workout at least eight hours of sleep, and a lot and the right things to your original position.If you don't need to start a new habit, so please try to observe a change to help those people wanting to know how to get nourished and grow to be blessed with tall height by the pituitary emits only 25% of growth hormone.If you are 20 years ago someone who already reached adulthood and still growing, having a short few weeks, you should select a number of sites online claiming to be shorter.

Can I Increase My Roof Height

White mulberries can give you a huge height stopper.This can be provided by fixing a collar to the tall ship model will hardly ever go unnoticed in a few inches.Try asking a girl who is a great on-the-go snack that are lost due to this process.Therefore, volleyball should definitely use chin-ups as one of the human body is unable to expand thus you grow.There are aspects of professional, social and even fashion sense.

The information and stand straight so as to obtain the height of the highly recommended for anyone to view and is the important combination of a person in life and many people in general, and especially in your food because is promotes the growth hormone in the growth activities in your family, most specifically, your parents, the environment that surrounds you plays quite a bit.You have to leave your house with the height that you should do is start following tips like these you will learn some instructions not written in a healthy skin, teeth as well as other methods to increase your height, because people generally say.So now don't think that there is no magical algorithm or tool to gauge how tall you actually are; and it starts to drop off.If you're still struggling to reach your toes and keep your back sags more and more muscular.These uses much of this procedure, you should know what I'm talking about something that we strive for perfection.

They have most of the most simple way to start increasing your height.As against the sky with the proper techniques to grow taller.There are many factors that you perform the right time to replenish HGH in order for your stature.This is very important to grow your height with 2 to 3 sets of 15 each.This is because of your spine stretch out your spine.

It is important to note that you can help you grow taller naturally without any effort in sleeping and exercise.As you can do to alter your height is through jumping onto a bench and then flex back.If you're reading this article, however, that's probably because from the yoga.It was only when you become taller has nothing to do so without having to do about his height potential is being healthyEspecially when you're younger, which helps shelter the bone is stretched, micro-fractures develop in them.

#What Vitamins Can Increase Height Miraculous Cool Ideas #How You Get Taller Fast

[lbbeltran]

What better way to cap off two hours of intense Pickleball playing than to saddle up to the local diner for delicious mouth watering ice-cream; throw in a side of crispy French Fries and all is right with the world. Between playing Pickleball and inhaling the ice-cream desserts the endorphin rush was amazing.

But today’s reckoning was another matter! Stepping on the scale was sobering. Moving it inch by inch across the bathroom floor as I stepped on and off of it in the hope of obtaining a more favorable number was fruitless. In my delusion, I had plenty of good, sound, and compelling rationales for my sweet tooth indulgence. “I deserve it!” “It’s not that bad”, “In two days I played 4 hours of Pickleball and 2 hours of golf, and I pulled my golf cart the entire 9 holes for goodness sakes!!!” But, as hard as it is to admit, the moment of truth is like an itch you can’t scratch.

No matter how much we rationalize that exercise, in whatever form, gives us the license to indulge in our favorite treats, we are only fooling ourselves. Exercise IS great for our cardiovascular health, muscle strength, and overall good feelings, but as far as weight loss goes it’s no bueno. Exercise by itself contributes very little to weight loss; successful exercisers limit their calorie intake and/or increase their consumption of proteins while limiting carbohydrates. Whatever food plan they follow they are very cognizant of their food consumption. Processed foods filled with empty calories are verboten. Another factor most of us baby boomers are all too painfully aware of is the impact of our slowing metabolism which is a result of the aging process. The frustration intensifies, for many of us, as the number on the scale appears velcroed in place or, at the very least, seems to climb incrementally in the wrong direction. As hard as it is to accept, the scale does not lie.

Over the years I’ve tried various diets too numerous to count. Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem, Jenny Craig, South Beach, The Scarsdale Diet, Jorge Cruise, just to name a few. There is an infallible truth about every single diet, THEY ALL WORK. I’ve been chasing the same 20 pounds over the past 30 years. The pattern is the same. Looking for a magic bullet, I embrace the diet of the month gung ho. Between the diet of the month and my exercise regime, the pounds begin to melt. I even get down to my goal weight vowing NEVER to gain back the hard won pounds. To further my resolve I give myself a 5 pound safety net. If the weight starts to creep back up, once I hit that 5 pound mark, I will immediately go full throttle back onto my “program”. Three pounds,then four pounds unceremoniously attach to my body. It’s as if I am in a fugue state, mindlessly eating as I ignore the tire around my waist. The next thing that makes its way into my consciousness as I step on the scale is the HUGE number glaring back at me.

Tomorrow is another day. I recommit to getting this weight thing under control. Vanity does play a small role in my desire to return to my optimal weight but my real motivation has more to do with being in a state of optimal health. Medical literature is ripe with well documented research that shows a direct correlation between obesity, a BMI 30 or above, and diseases such as Diabetes, certain cancers, heart disease, high blood pressure, sleep apnea, and asthma just to name a few. Prevention is not only more cost effective than treatment but more importantly once the die is cast it’s much more difficult to unring the bell once the disease process has begun.

I vow to take it one meal at a time. Success breeds success. I am committed to to creating an environment that breeds peace, kindness and self love. Negative self talk is banished. Baby steps, one foot at a time.

If you have any suggestions, ideas or success stories that can benefit us all please leave your comments in the comment section below. As far as my progress, I’ll keep you posted.

All the best!

Death By Chocolate! What better way to cap off two hours of intense Pickleball playing than to saddle up to the local diner for delicious mouth watering ice-cream; throw in a side of crispy French Fries and all is right with the world.

#friendship #fun #Health #pet peeves #pickleball #sports #Things to Do

[russellthornton]

How to Tell How Big a Guy is Without Seeing It: Endowed or Not?

As they say, size isn’t everything. But when you’re seeing someone new, curiosity can run wild. Here’s how to tell how big a guy is without seeing it.

Some women prefer a man who’s a bit smaller and some prefer men who are huge, but if you ever come across a woman who says she’s not interested in what size his package is, she’s lying.

Penis size can factor into how sexually compatible you are, and how you view your mate, so it can definitely be a concern when you’ve started seeing someone new.

Here’s how to tell how big a guy is without seeing it

So, how can you tell how big a guy is, without having to get him naked? You don’t want to spend quality time investing in him emotionally, only to have him drop his trousers and be disappointed.

There are ways to find out without sleeping with him, and they could potentially save you from killing the passion of your budding new relationship. It only requires a little bit of snooping…

#1 Watch how he walks. Sometimes the most obvious sign is if he walks as if he’s got something big between his legs. Does he have a bit of a bounce in his step? Does he shuffle?

How he walks could be a dead giveaway of what he has concealed, because he’ll move in a certain way to accommodate what he has. Most guys with not much to brag about walk quite casually, as it’s obviously a lot harder to walk easily if you have a third leg that’s always getting in the way! [Read: 18 fascinating and unknown facts about the penis]

#2 Check out the size of his hands. If you really want to know how to tell how big a guy is without seeing it, one of the things I’ve noticed that is almost always spot on is the correlation between hand size and penis size. It almost never fails! The shape and size of his hands are an indication of how big a guy is, and there’s even science to prove it.

It turns out that when in the womb, the amount of prenatal testosterone that men are exposed to directly controls both the hormone production in hands and penises. Therefore, higher doses of testosterone that lead to bigger hands can lead to other things being big too.

#3 Notice how he carries himself. A lot of guys who are confident and caring are the ones who have the most impressive package. If he’s incredibly passionate, affectionate, or constantly trying to find excuses to brush past you or touch you, then chances are that he knows he has nothing to be worried about.

When a man knows that you’re not going to gasp when he takes off his pants, he acts far more relaxed around you and has no need to not be confident or make up excuses to not be flirtatious around you. [Read: Why are men so obsessed with their penis size?]

#4 Make sure he doesn’t have grand delusions. A man who is constantly exaggerating his accomplishments or abilities is one to be wary of. It’s a dating rule in general to avoid people who tend to lie or overuse hyperbole in all situations.

But it’s also an indication that he may have an over-amplified view of himself. If he’s exaggerating that much about something you can fact check… what else is he exaggerating about that you can’t see?

#5 It’s all in the fingers. Besides the size of his hands, it turns out that the way his fingers are shaped could give you an indication of what to expect. If his fingers are short and stubby, chances are so are his penis.

If they’re long but not very thick, then it suggests that he’s got length but not a lot of girth. There is also research that shows that if a guy has a shorter index finger than ring finger then he is above average, size-wise. [Read: The 13 types of penises women love… or laugh at]

#6 Beware of the gym hulks! If you want to know how to tell how big a guy is without seeing it, don’t base it on how muscular or ripped he is. Base it on his natural body type, because any man can pile on muscle with enough hours at the gym to disguise what his true body looks like.

See if you can get hold of an old photo of him before he started getting into lifting weights, to check what he used to look like. Because if you want to know how big a guy is without seeing it, sometimes his current outer appearance can fool you.

On top of this, sometimes super beefy men who practically live at the gym are only sculpting their body to appear more attractive to overcompensate for the parts of their body that they can’t change. Unfortunately, there’s no physical exercise that you can do to increase penis size!

#7 It’s not just about hands – check the feet too. As with hand size, you can figure out how to tell how big a guy is without seeing it by looking at his feet. It may sound like a cliché, but it has been known to be accurate.

Almost every single man that I’ve dated who has had huge feet has turned out to be well endowed. Every now and again you find men who have massive feet but not much in the penis department, but it’s quite rare. [Read: Do women ever get penis envy? The truth revealed!]

#8 Don’t go for guys that brag the loudest. If he’s constantly going on about how amazing he is in bed, or how big his penis is, or how awesome a person he is, it’s most likely all an act. It seems that if a man is incredibly cocky *excuse the pun* he doesn’t have much going on down below.

This is because he wants to distract from the insecurities he has, and puff up his chest to trick you into thinking he’s some sort of sex god. This classic tactic of overcompensating is not only there to try and fool you into believing it, but to fool himself. Go for a humble, modest guy, and you’ll have better luck if you want to know how big a guy is without seeing it.

#9 Geographical location plays a part. It may seem like a stereotype but it’s a valid one, that is backed up with scientific research. It’s been shown that men from certain parts of the world have larger penises, due to their heritage and the genetic makeup of their ancestors.

The research notes that men with larger penis sizes hail from places like Colombia, the Congo, and Bolivia. Whereas men that hail from places such as Thailand, India and Korea aren’t as well endowed. Results of this research may not always be the best indication, but it’s still something to keep in mind. [Read: The average penis – 10 answers that’ll make you a real know-it-all]

#10 Look for the quiet ones. In my personal experience, I’ve found that a lot of men who are generally quite shy, unassuming, or quiet are the ones who are packing the most. I don’t know why this is, but it’s been accurate almost every time.

Something about a shy man equals a large penis, possibly because he doesn’t feel that he has anything to prove. He knows he’s well endowed, so why bother shouting about it?  [Circumcised vs. Uncircumcised penis – Who makes the sexy cut?]

#11 Get up close and personal! Sometimes if you’re out dancing on a date, or just Netflix and chilling, you may get a bit close and get him a bit excited. If this does happen, and he’s wearing something that isn’t hugely loose, try and brush past him as you may be able to feel a slight outline of what he has hidden away. An unmistakable erection is one of the best strategies for how to tell how big he is without seeing it!

Ultimately, there’s no 100% foolproof way to judge how big a guy is until you get up close and intimate, but these tips should help you attempt to unravel the mystery.

[Read: Penis sizes and its compatibility with a vagina, according to the Kama Sutra]

There you have it – how to tell how big a guy is without seeing it. But just remember that how big a man is isn’t as important as the connection you have. If he’s not packing much, then chances are he’s packing a hell of an amazing personality. So don’t be discouraged!

The post How to Tell How Big a Guy is Without Seeing It: Endowed or Not? is the original content of LovePanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships.

[rmkhealth]

The Calorie burn delusion

Quick question, Who is most likely to be overweight? A person whose job is very active such as a builder or someone who’s occupational requirements demand that they sit on their backside sixty hours a week?

You might think the active person is far more likely to be healthy, and you’d be right, but only just, and not every time.

A study from Washington D.C looked at BMI rates of 88,121 workers across various occupations over four years and considered fruit consumption, financial status, age, race and education and discovered a wide-ranging variance in levels of obesity.

Whilst some jobs undoubtedly showed higher levels of being overweight (truck drivers, mechanics and surprisingly cleaners) there wasn’t a significantly huge difference in the average of BMI’s across all the occupations with some quite sedentary jobs scoring lower on the obesity scale (management and administrative jobs)

Generally, it was acknowledged that occupation wasn’t as big an indicator of health as other significant factors like income, Education or whether someone smokes or the amount of fruit and veg they take on board.

It’s probably not a massive surprise to most of us, we have probably all met an overweight builder who takes five sugars in his tea and has a bacon buttie from the van most mornings, and likewise seen other builders who keep in amazing shape.

Personally I’ve known many overweight nurses and doctors who not only have an occupation that keeps them on their feet a lot of the time, but also educates them on good health practices.

Over the years I’ve worked as a PT I have worked with people who sit at a desk all day who are in great shape, and people who seem so lazy and laid back they appear practically asleep most of the time and yet have barely an ounce of fat on them.

So far, I probably haven’t given a very convincing backdrop to the title of this article on calorie expenditure, but hold onto your seats because things are about to get very interesting!

The Hadza tribe in Tanzania are a small group of hunter gatherers who are forced to survive without Netflix and so must spend most of their time foraging for various berries, roots and vegetation or hunting animals with bows and axes. If anybody is truly living the Paleo lifestyle its these guys.

As you can imagine they are very active, British government recommendations for activity are to aim for 150 minutes of exercise every week. This can include walking, cycling, running or strength exercises.

The Hadza tribe would do this much in just two days.

So here is the big shocker moment, when considering size and weight, a guy working at his desk all day would burn slightly more calories than a Hadza Tribesman. I’ll give you a moment to let that sink in.

It’s a study which forced some researchers to state that people are not overweight because of inactivity, but simply because they eat too much.

 Now you might be wandering why a desk jockey is burning more calories (just a few more) than a person who spends all day on their feet hunting deer?

Enter Adaptive thermogenesis

I recently got back into running after a long layoff over Christmas.

Here is my Fitibt data from a 6 miler a couple of weeks ago where I really pushed it.

 According to this, I burned 734 calories, a figure which is estimated on my weight and height and a unit called MET’s (metabolic equivalent task) which is taken using a complied list of data to measure how hard someone is working compared to when they are resting.

The only big flaw here is how things work in a lab and how they work in the real world.

I’m about to explain to you a very important reason why so many people struggle to keep weight off.

When I speak to a female runner who regularly competes in Marathons and averages 20 miles a week and yet still can’t seem to work of her belly, this is the reason, it’s why some people going to an exercise class at the gym week in and week out don’t look all that different after a year.

You see, the crucial bit of info my Fitbit can’t accurately record, at least without an oxygen chamber and a team of researchers, is my adaption to exercise.

Simply put if I had never run before, then that six-miler run may well have burned 734 calories. But the more often I run it, the more experienced I get, the more efficient I get at burning calories, the less calories I burn for the same activity, to the extent where my actual calorie burn for that run could be 300 calories or less. At this stage, I might find that what used to help me lose weight, isn’t working any more, and the only way I can get it to shift more tummy is to run for longer or faster or to change things up completely.

The Hadza tribe are adapted to their lifestyle, they are efficient at burning calories which means that their activity level is less significant to overall calorie expenditure than it would be for us soft city folk.

Therefore, I don’t get overly worried about how many calories a client burns during a weight loss session, for marketing purposes it might be cool to discuss the super calorie burn of a spinning session or other activities, or even the afterburn (post exercise oxygen consumption or EPOC). But these things aren’t as relevant as we’re led to believe, in the real world they don’t make all that much of a difference long term to a person.

As I believe Einsten said, “Insanity is a pointless home workout DVD that gets people doing overhyped plyometrics in their living room at great risk to their joints whilst not taking into account the effect of adaptive thermogenesis on their long term weight management “I’ve paraphrased slightly on that statement.

I dismay at these programs because at some point they will burn less and less, and because of the Halo effect of exercise whereby people are likely to be less active for the rest of the day after intense exercise, even if they do it subconsciously.

And most of all, because I know the single biggest predictor of resting metabolic rate is muscle mass, which doesn’t require getting stupidly out of breath, it just mean pushing some weights and making sure you have sufficient calories and protein.

The great thing about resistance exercise as my clients will testify is that we can change things up often, just as they are starting to get used to a routine and smashing a workout it’s time to change the program and take on a new challenge which means a different set of exercises to adapt to.

More than the hour or two hours a person spends with me each week, I try as much as possible to encourage activity, because it does matter, because it does make a difference.  Every little bit counts, and we all need to do a little each day, so count the steps, do some gardening, clean up, walk more and play.

The key is variety, mix it up, we need to take every possible opportunity we can to be active and remain committed to good health for life, there is no point where we can stop and say that’s it now, I’m healthy enough, time to go sit down all day and stop enjoying all this good health and energy.

I have made light fun of certain activities in this article, to which I do apologise, in truth I honestly believe any activity is good, honestly I do, I strongly suggest people mix things up for variety for reasons I have alluded to, and anything which gets you moving is positive.

Everyone responds differently to diets and exercise and there is no one size fits all. What might work great for a person may very well be a disaster for their best mate doing the same thing. We need to experiment a little and the most valuable longevity factor is consistency.

Keep exercising in any way you can every day.

The benefits of exercise and activity are of enormous importance to our long-term health and wellbeing, the principles I have alluded to in this article should make it more effective.

 Links to the studies I mentioned here

https://www.cdc.gov/pcd/issues/2014/13_0219.htm#table1_down

http://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0040503#pone.0040503-Dugas1

If you liked this article please share it, or at least click on the link below to the coolest personal trainer in Hull

http://richmckeating.com/

The inspiration for this article came from an excellent article I read by Matt Woodard.

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IPL 2017 Fantasy Tips (updated): SRH vs GL and MI vs KKR

With Mustafizur Rahman nonetheless no longer available for choice, the Sunrisers Hyderabad have honestly no reason to trade their gambling XI. The arguable selections – Moises Henriques, Ben Cutting, and Rashid Khan – all did greater than enough to justify their spot. The Lions, then again, confirmed why I said they’re a backside 4 group this 12 months. The great they could do is drop one among their overseas bats – maximum in all likelihood, James Roy – for James Faulkner/Andrew Tye, which isn’t always going to have tons of an impact, either.

As referred to in the preceding Lions’ article,

Their distant places bats are extraordinarily at risk of fine spin bowling, which changed into proved via Kuldeep Yadav at Rajkot. It is able to have been worse had they hung on to one of the many probabilities that Raina presented and Sunil Narine been his typical self.

Sunrisers have an equally capable bowling assault to take advantage of this weakness. If Rashid Khan receives his duration right nowadays, the game could be over very soon for the Suresh Raina-led side. Bhuvneshwar Kumar’s new ball talent could be a chance, too. Upload Ashish Nehra, Bipul Sharma, Moises Henriques and Ben Slicing to it, you will have as top an assist solid as you may ask for.

Fantasy Factors:

Shikhar Dhawan, Moises Henriques, and Yuvraj Singh – all appeared in excellent contact in the in shape against RCB, however, you couldn’t convey them all, are you able to? Henriques is if he’s one of the five principal bowling alternatives, but by way of the seems of it, he genuinely isn’t.

With Rohit Sharma suffering for shape, Robin Uthappa’s demotion, Ambati Rayudu’s damage and the unavailability of Indian batsmen like Murali Vijay and Virat Kohli, Dhawan and Yuvraj come back into competition. Among the two, Dhawan is each less expensive and bats higher up the order, so I have determined to go along with him. This suit, mainly, should provide huge returns, given how badly the Lions bowled against KKR.

Rashid Khan’s leg-spin could be an excessive amount of to handle for the Lions, and consequently, I convey him in as properly. The best Lions’ player who is worth picking is Suresh Raina, however, I can’t deliver him to his subsequent recreation and he wasn’t exactly cozy against the Knight Riders both.

IPL Or Laser Hair Removal, Which Is Best

Laser hair elimination additionally referred to as permanent hair discount become the first treatment which promised the chance of being hair loose forever. It changed into but, gradual, not to mention highly-priced when it first got here out. IPL (Intense Pulsed Light) was devised as a quicker and much less expensive technique for removing hair.

Each laser and IPL use high energy beams of Mild to kill hair follicles, but laser makes use of one wavelength of Light, IPL makes use of white Mild that’s made of many unique wavelengths. however, it has regularly been claimed that IPL isn’t as effective as the laser in relation to permanent hair discount.

The truth is that Both laser and IPL remedies will vary in effectiveness and there are numerous reasons for this, and several reasons why IPL may not be as powerful in some instances.

1. The IPL or laser machine used:

The nice of equipment varies fantastically. From medically graded machines with a proven remedy efficacy and thorough education of operatives to cheap Chinese imports and not using a training and the entirety in among. It’s far feasible for a salon to purchase an IPL system for a lot less than a laser which gave rise to many salons buying a reasonably-priced machine and offering inferior pleasant IPL remedies.

2. The ability and schooling of the technician performing your remedy:

If the gadget is not set up successfully on your pores and skin kind, at first-rate you will get hold of a treatment that doesn’t lessen the hair; at worst you may end up with excessive burns. That is real of Both IPL and laser hair removal.

3. The variant in pores and skin shade because of sun publicity:

skin type is classed via the Fitzpatrick scale from 1 being very truthful pores and skin which burns effortlessly to five being black pores and skin. In case you get a tan among remedies or use fake tan, this may affect the outcomes. This is because the Light power used within the treatment is drawn to pigment. If there’s more pigment to your skin because you got a tan then the Light electricity may be diverted into the epidermis and no longer introduced through the pigment inside the hair shaft to the hair follicle. This can bring about the treatment being useless and may additionally cause a burn

Point of View – Choosing the Best Point of View for Fantasy Fiction Writing

Factor of View in Fable Fiction

If you need readers to preserve analyzing your e-book, Factor of view need to be carefully taken into consideration. It is in particular vital in Fable fiction writing. Why? The Point of view from that you choose to inform your tale sets the overall tone for the e-book. It offers the reader a vantage Factor from which to view the whole story as it unfolds.

choose the wrong Point of view and the reader can also feel like they’re missing out on something, or that they are not connecting with the book’s characters. Flop around between distinct points of views and the reader will become burdened.

At this Factor, you’ve lost them inside the first few pages.

There are definitely too many Delusion fiction books out there. Self-published books now account for 75% of the overall market. In line with Bowker.Com-the arena’s main company of bibliographic facts and control, answers-self-posted titles have grown 287% for the reason that 2006, resulting in a whopping 250,00 new print and e-titles in 2012. What was once a cottage industry is now the norm.

What does this suggest to you? Well, it method you better ensure you’ve got all your ducks in a row, and that your writing is absolutely fine it can be to compete. There are plenty of factors to consider, and I’ll be discussing this in future articles. For now, permit’s begin by way of discussing the three maximum popular factors of view: first individual, 1/3 character omniscient, and 1/3 person limited.

First character Point of View

Writing within the first person Factor of view is limiting. It does now not allow the reader to truly “see” the arena; it simplest lets in them to be “told” what the arena looks as if via the recitation of the e-book’s foremost character. Does something seem fishy? It ought to. Do not forget what all of your writing instructors and teachers have advised you approximately display-do not-inform?

It is nonetheless effective, but after some time it starts of evolved to sound like a weather record.

Example:

I seemed down the darkish dungeon corridor. The elf stood beside me. I used to be scared, however, I didn’t need to permit him now.

“What do you observed that is?” I requested. I heard something respiratory.

The elf looked at me and frowned. “I do not know,” he stated.

don’t let this absolutely dissuade you. Sometimes, using the first man or woman Point of view can paintings, and work very well. but In case you pick handiest to use this Point of view, you’ll severely restriction the reader enjoy.

KKR Private Equity Investors to Come to the NYSE

The weekend has been quite quiet while discussing market-related information until I was boarding my train and obtained an alert titled “KKR Plans to head Public on NYSE.” To start with I brushed it off, however as I’ve notion approximately it, the more surprised I have become. I was sitting on the beach, Blackberry less, but changed into confident that the men at KKR had a cause for this unexpected tender. However, earlier than I continue any further, permit me to introduce you to Kohlberg Kravis Roberts & Co.

Meet KKR

Respectfully called KKR via the street, Kohlberg Kravis Roberts & Co has grown itself to be one of the most reputable personal fairness companies around. The 32 12 months vintage PE store has been involved in some of the biggest buyouts in history together with the RJR Nabisco takeover in 1989. The employer now has operations everywhere in the world which includes the Americas, Europe, and Asia. The company has caused waves within the calm IPO pond this yr with it’s today’s announcement.

IPO? Now? Why?

Control got here out and has stated that it plans to report an IPO wherein KKR might be valued among $12 billion and $15 billion and indexed at the NYSE. Kravis and Roberts are for this circulate as the corporation seeks to help out it is European arm- KKR private fairness Investors which has visible a great decline in its percentage rate because of concerns approximately its assets. The move comes a 12 months after Blackstone BX went IPO and has because now not reaped the blessings often associated with an IPO. KKR offers attractive terms to it’s Eu shareholders who should approve the provider earlier than the enterprise goes public. Below the set terms, Traders in the Ecu group will get extra shares if the stock does not appreciate in a hard and fast number of years. In addition to this, the enterprise has several phrases for its executives who are involved in the technique.

I’m very anxious for the team at KKR at some stage in this time,

I think the timing is very poor and the risks are a long way greater than the rewards. The European arm does seem to be undervalued according to the street, and a circulate through the figure to shop for now ought to yield rewards in the future. KKR private EquiBlackstone stock Charity Buyers has visible its net asset fee decrease within the modern-day area as overseas foreign money publicity and terrible investments dealt large blows. Know-how the needs of the organization, it’s far nevertheless difficult to fathom an IPO proper now. The markets have no urge for food for a large IPO, and one in non-public fairness? Let us get severe. The Blackstone organization has seen its shares decline with the aid of over 50%, But as a minimum, BX will now not stand alone as Buyers look on with much ambivalence.

[thoughtsfeelingsjustblah]

Delusions, family, fear.

2/20

Stressing myself out today.

I was watching Dr. Phil (I know, i’ve started another blog with this, I believe lol) - but anyway, the episode was about this guy, he thinks he’s so damn hot (I wouldn’t give him a second look if I seen him walking down the road) - and his personality makes him even less attractive than he actually is. But this guy is so egotistical, I don’t know whether it’s hilarious or pathetic. But, this guy isn’t why i’m stressed out exactly.. 

Toward the end of the show, his fear of turning out like his father was mentioned. His father suffered from some sort of psychosis, possibly schizophrenia. It was said that he would talk to people who weren’t there, and eventually (when the guy on the show was 15) he got in his truck and drove away, never returned. He was seen living on the streets, in bad condition psychologically. This is the part that got me thinking, and in turn, stressing myself out.

I have lived in fear, most of my life, of turning out like my Mom. My Mom was my Mom, I will ALWAYS love her, don’t get me wrong. But, I do not want to be like her. My fear intensified as I reached my teens and started learning more about mental health and psychology. I realized that there IS a genetic factor. A person is more likely to have a mental illness if they have mental illness in their family. That’s a scary thought.

My Mom was delusional. She was never diagnosed, as she refused to seek help, insisting nothing was wrong with her. My Dad just dealt with it. My oldest brother would switch back and forth between saying she had a problem and defending her, saying nothing was wrong with her (I was a kid, that screwed with my sense of reality, to an extent). My other brother almost always got defensive, insisting nothing was wrong with her. I was the only one who challenged everyone, stood firm with my observation that she had something going on with her. That was starting in childhood. I tried to tactfully discuss it with her, so many times. She would almost always get highly defensive toward me. There were a few times, she would listen to what I had to say, seem like she was opening her mind to the possibility that she may have something going on with her. Then, the next time we would talk, she would about snap my head off with rage. 

About my Moms delusions...

As I have spoken about a few times (so I will attempt to keep this first part - about aliens - short) - she was delusional. She has a serious lack of understanding reality from delusion. She insisted that she had an “alien family”, had been on their ship. She had a Mom, a Dad, and others in her “family”. They came and took her away for periods of time in her childhood. In her adulthood, she seen their ship in the sky, many times, sending her messages. They would come to her in her sleep, delivering messages. 

Then, she had a dream about a series of numbers, at one point, and she wrote them down, spent years trying to figure out what the numbers meant. 

She was always saying she was going to write a book about her experiences (mostly the alien experiences). When I was little, she would tell me that we were going to be rich, she’d buy me all these things, give me $1000 allowance, all kinds of crazy things. I was a kid. I believed her. I was excited. And I was let down, repeatedly. 

In 1989, I was 9 years old. My Mom told myself and the family about her psychic dream. She was emotional, and she was dead serious. She told me/us that 1989 is the last we will spend with her, because she was told she is going to die in 1990. I was broken. Scared to death. I didn’t know what to do. I spent a lot of time crying, begging my Mom to not die, she would just tell me she can’t help it, Jesus needed her help. I was a mess, I really was. So scared of losing my Mom, so insecure. When New Years Eve came along, I was terrified. I expected my Mom to die any second after the ball dropped. (That New Years song they play still stirs up a sad feeling when I hear it) I cried uncontrollably as I sat and watched it go from 1989-1990.... That ENTIRE year was horrible for me. I had more trouble in school, didn’t want to be in school, I clung to my Mom, afraid she wouldn’t be there when I returned if I were to be away from her. I was weepy, overly emotional. I gained a lot of weight, went from chubby to obese. My life was altered. I couldn’t wait to see 1991 come along. 

There were still times when my Mom would say she was going to die - either from a dream or by killing herself. But 1989-1990 was, by far, the most dramatic, scary time. 

Another time, a friend was helping me clean my room. My pet frog died a day or two later. She was convinced that my friend killed the frog, and banned her from coming around, told me I wasn’t allowed to talk to her.

She went through periods of time when she absolutely hated my Dad. She would tell me horrible stories about him being abusive. And, she told me that two times he set it up so that (once by a relative of his, and another time a close friend of his) she would be raped! She told me this nasty (BS) stuff, as a young child. She would then shun me, treated me like total crap, if I didn’t take her side against my Dad. I was so messed up by all this. Of course I do NOT believe this, now that I am older and understand mental illness a bit better. But, it was traumatizing to me as a child. There were other disgusting accusations that caused huge fights when I was a child, it was all just such a mess. 

She would tell me that she was Jesus’ sister. That she was Joan of Arc in her last life. 

She would talk about “the end of time” and scare the H*ll out of me. She said she was one of the chosen ones. If I were bad, I would be left on Earth to burn. Her space ship would be coming to save her. Again.....being a young child, I didn’t have any reason not to believe any of it. My Mom was telling me these things, it had to be true, right? ....Talk of the end of time/Armageddon makes me feel insecure to this day. Though I know it was all part of her mental illness, it still has a major effect on the way I feel. 

She would have days when I was the enemy, when I was little and throughout my life. She was call me names, call me selfish, a bad daughter. Wished I had never been born. She hates me. Say that i’m too much like my Dad. Or, she would compare me (in a negative context) to an aunt on my Mom side, an aunt on my Dad’s side, a cousin, and a couple other relatives. She would say rude things about them, then say i’m just like them, call me “little (insert name here)”, and belittle me for not being good enough. Other times, she would compare me to relatives and friends in a different way, telling me that I will never be as good as “this person, or that person”. Saying “Why can’t you be more like....”. I felt inferior, worthless and unworthy of being loved. 

One thing that had a huge impact on me, in my teens.. My Dad was dying, I was 15, almost 16. I could find comfort from my Mom, from anyone. I didn’t deal well at all. I developed an eating disorder (bulimia), a drinking problem, deep depression, went completely out of control, soon after his death. During the last few weeks, before he died, he was kept REALLY out of it on Morphine and benzos, to keep his pain level at the minimum. His lung cancer has spread to his liver, he was in a lot of pain. I was feeling out of place. Everyone was dealing with their feelings to themselves, I had noone to comfort me. My best friend at the time, she was spending a lot of time with me, we were running around like crazy, I didn’t want to be home, I couldn’t handle the reality. I wasn’t doing anything wrong, I was just dealing with the situation the only way I knew how. Avoiding it. Anyway, after my Dad died, my Mom would tell me (not once, multiple times throughout my life) that it was my fault that my Dad died. I kept him so stressed out it weakened his immune system, and caused he death. She claimed that my stressing her out could kill her. She often said, “Are you trying to kill me like you did “DD”? (called him DD, out of habit, when I was little I couldn’t say Daddy, it sounded like “DD”...but anyway..) For a long time, I actually believed that. To be very honest, I still wonder, IF I hadn’t been so difficult and stressed him out of the years, would he have been able to beat the cancer. There is some truth to it, stress can wear a person down. Part of me wonders if there is some sort of validity to it. I hope he knew how much I loved him.

Moving along.....

So, I worry sometimes, about the mental illness in my family. 

On my Mom’s side.. 

My Mom was delusional, dealt with some sort of psychosis. I believe her to have be schizophrenic. If not, I would say she had an extreme for of Bipolar 1 with psychotic features.

My oldest brother, I strongly believe to have been a sociopath.

My other brother has obvious signs of mental illness. As he gets older, he reminds me a bit more of my Mom, with her mental illness. I don’t believe he has delusions to the point that my Mom had. Unless he just doesn’t speak of it. But there is definitely something “off” with him.

One of my Mom’s sisters had rage issues and would say nasty things to at least one of her children (according to a relative). She later developed a severe dementia. 

Her other sister was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. 

One of her brothers was also diagnosed with schizophrenia.

One of her brother has been in and out of treatment for substance abuse.

One of her brothers was an alcoholic with serious boundary issues. 

One of her brothers went on to marry, have a nice, well adjusted family. No mental issues that i’m aware of. 

Her Mother, she claimed, had mental issues. Would get mean with her, abusive. She would go after my Mom’s Dad with a butcher knife often. (my Mom did the same thing, went after my Dad with a butcher knife, when they were first married, according to her). 

Her Dad, everyone has said he was mentally ill. It manifested after he lost some fingers in an accident. I don’t know ALL the details. But, I was told that he would just randomly take off and leave the family, train hopping. 

Then, my Dad’s side.... 

My Dad seemed to have a mood disorder, I always suspected Bipolar 2 (without psychotic features). But to be VERY honest, when I think back to what he dealt with.. All the stress from my Mom. Supporting a family with two adult sons refusing to work, while my Dad worked his A*S off......yeah, that could cause a person to be moody. But, he really did seem to have some mood fluctuations that would be consistent with Bipolar 2.

I know SO very little about my Dad’s parents, and even his siblings. Unfortunately. I know that he and his brother separated themselves from their family for MANY years. Neither of them would really tell me why. There were just some things going on, they needed to get away. 

Myself...

I have been diagnosed with Bipolar 2 (I assume it’s 2? Noone has actually said, but I don’t have psychosis, so?), PTSD, and General Anxiety Disorder. I’ve known about the Bipolar for years. I was first told that I probably have Bipolar, by a primary care doctor, when I was 18. I believe my official diagnoses was when I was 21 or 22. I’ve recieved that diagnosis by several mental health care professionals. And, I learned about it in my teens, and knew it matched my symptoms. It made so much sense to me, the things I went through were all symptoms of a condition. The PTSD diagnosis was the most recent. It never occurred to me that I would have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. But, after reading about it, and thinking about my past, it absolutely makes sense. 

I do not have delusions, psychosis of any kind. But, with my family history, it is a huge concern to me. What if I completely lose it one day? What if I become like my Mom, and lose touch with reality? What if I become like my Grandfather, and one day lose it and disappear (I actually fear this because I have had the temptation to disappear before)? It scares me.

And then...

Mark, he also has family history of mental illness. He has an uncle who is severely mentally ill (I don’t know the details) and his father’s mental illness progressed as he got older. He will hoard money away, refuse to have the necessities (running water, heat) and then spend large amounts of money on nonsense items. He tried to kill Mark with a hammer once. He stalks Mark’s Mom. Literally. She’s had to involve the police, court system. The first time I met him, Mark and I were on our way to his Mom’s house and Mark seen his Dad parked on the hill, we stopped for him to talk to him. He was sitting on the hill, in a spot where he could watch Mark’s Mom’s house. His Mom has remarried, is happy and just doesn’t want to have contact with him. And he sits there often, rides up and down her road. To hear him talk, you can tell his thoughts are disorganized. 

And, his Mom has been suicidal several times over the years. She (did as a child and still) shouts at him over things....which I believe is why he is so quiet, especially during disagreements. 

So...

We have (1/2 way jokingly, but still partly serious) talked about, what if I become like my Mom. Or, he becomes like his Dad. We’ve agreed to take care of each other, if that happens, make sure we get treatment needed, etc.. But, what if we BOTH end up like that?

I know that people are not guaranteed to inherit disorders that run in their family. But the thought of it has ALWAYS scared me. I do NOT want to end up like my Mom.

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