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badjokesbyjeff · 1 day

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There were three race horses; ernie, bill, and ted.

the three of them were good friends; they enjoyed racing each other and generally won and lost to each other equally. every evening, after the races, they went to a local bar to relax and drink some beer. they would often discuss racing techniques, their families, etc.

one season, bill wasn't doing so well. he rarely beat the other two, and was worried that he'd be sent to the glue factory if his luck didn't change. one night, at the bar, he talked with ernie and ted about it.

"you know, guys, i just can't figure it out," he said. "everything's fine at home; the kids are doing great, my wife is being nice, the bills are paid, my mother-in-law rarely visits - nothing could be better. maybe i'm just getting old. if things don't pick up soon, they'll send me to the glue factory."

the bartender, a big llama from peru, overheard the conversation. he looked around, to make sure nobody else was listening, then said, "hey, pal, i got something for you that'll make you feel like a young colt again." he reached under the bar and pulled out an unlabeled bottle of beer. "here, drink this; i guarantee you'll start winning again. come by each night for a week and I'll give you one. if it doesn't work, i'll give you double your money back!"

bill looked at ernie and ted, who only shrugged, then drank the contents of the bottle. "oh, just one thing," the llama said, "it'll make your ass itch, but that's okay; it's just a side effect. don't worry about it." the three horses stayed a few hours, played a few games of pool and darts, and went home.

over the course of the next three days, they went back to the bar each night, and bill continued the regimen of mystery beer. his racing times did improve! he was slowly moving back up in the rankings, and was soon back into the top three with ernie and ted. bill was ecstatic, and thanked the llama profusely.

"hey, my pleasure," said the llama.

a few weeks passed by, and ernie started slowing down. after losing three races in a row, he sobbed to himself, "i just don't get it. my life couldn't be better. i can't believe I'm getting old! they'll send me to the glue factory if i don't get back in the groove!"

that evening, at the bar, he told the llama bartender about his troubles, and asked if he too could try the mystery beer. "okay, but remember, it'll make your ass itch - but don't pay it no mind. it's just a harmless side effect."

"no problem. it'll be worth it to get back in the groove," ernie said.

a few days went by. ernie's ass did indeed itch, but after a few more days, his races improved, and he was back in the top three with bill and ted.

at the bar one evening, ernie bought a round of beers for all the horses, and thanked the llama profusely.

"i just can't believe how great that mystery beer worked!" ernie said. "you're sitting on a gold mine, there!" the llama said it was his pleasure, don't worry about it, etc.

a few more weeks went by, and now ted started slowing down, losing races. he, too realized that he'd be shipped off to the glue factory unless his races improved.

"say," he said to the llama one night after a particularly humiliating loss, "i think i need to try that mystery beer too. they'll ship me off to the glue factory for sure if I don't start winning again."

"no problem," the llama said, pulling out an unlabeled bottle. "here. come back every night, and i guarantee you'll be back in top form again, or i'll give you double your money back."

over the course of the next few weeks, ted's races continued to improve until he was back in the top three with bill and ernie. he pranced into the bar, full of vim and vigor, and thanked the llama profusely. "you know, my ass itches a lot; it's almost unbearable. but i can't thank you enough. they would have turned me into glue by now if it weren't for you. anything you want, let me know and i'll see what i can do."

"no problem," said the llama, "i make this beer at home using an ancient inca recipe. it's just my way of thanking my regular customers for their patronage over the years."

"i'm not kidding," ted said, "this is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. anything, you name it, anything you want, let me know, and it's yours."

"well, now that you mention it..." the llama began -

right then, a greyhound walked up to the bar. he was obviously depressed.

"barkeep, give me something strong. i'm on a losing streak you wouldn't believe," the greyhound said.

ted looked at the greyhound, then at bill and ernie, and said, "hey, look! a talking dog!"

#funny #jokes #humor #lol #comedy

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akai-anna · 10 hours

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shinichi: *takes a deep breath* shinichi: i lo- anyone who has spent five seconds around shinichi ever: yes, you love ran, we know, you love mōri ran so much, she's the light of your life, you love her so much, you just love ran, we KNOW , you love ran you fucking love ran ok we know, we get it, YOU LOVE MŌRI RAN. WE GET IT.

#detective conan #mouri ran #kudou shinichi #meme strikes #la junk talks #detco posting #shinran #my beloveds #i swear this is the last one for today #but... you have to admit. it's accurate #no one simps like kudou shinichi #(to be fair sasaki shuumei is on a similar level. but shinichi and sasaki simp in different ways sooooooo...)#i love how the whole class is invested in their relationship lmao #and you know they all know how much a simp he is for ran #it's just so obvious. when he looks at her with stars in his eyes and a matching blush #i love how in the first ep/chapter it's already established #how much he loves ran #(and same for ran too... god i fckin love them all right?)#this just fits for him #if detco characters had social media his classmates would make fun of him like this #and i bet ran would be all confused (pre-confession) or (post confession) a blushing mess (but delighted)#Shenanigans in Beika-verse this is a thing i bet and would totally exist #that fic changed my brain chemistry and is an endless source of Happy Hormone Cocktail #anyways happy sunday everyone thank you for coming to my ted talk

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vintagepresley · 2 days

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I don’t want to be this person. But I feel like that new Elvis confessions account on here is just a gateway for people to start drama and spew their hate for people in this fandom and how others choose to love Elvis or how they write about Elvis and to basically shove down our throats how to be an Elvis fan “the right way”.

I just saw one of their recent posts about basically the fandom not being the same and how people don’t care about him and how people used to talk about his music and movies. Now people in the fandom only care about writing smut about him and don’t even know his songs or movies. Then saying how calling him “big daddy” is disgusting.

Huh? What? I don’t know what part of the fandom this person is on but we are constantly talking about his music and movies. I feel like most of the people in this fandom have seen all of his movies. But also some can’t depending on where they live in the world so it could be harder for them to watch them. He’s got so much music to listen like you can’t be mad if EVERYONE hasn’t heard every single fucking song. There’s actually some people who just joined and are still learning. It’s not that serious. Stop acting like you weren’t once new to being an Elvis fan.

Why are we acting like people haven’t been writing so much smut stories about him since 2022? Before I even joined the fandom here I was literally reading soooo many smut stories about him around that time. I don’t think that’s changed. There’s so many different stories besides smut. If you don’t like smut guess what? DON’T READ IT BABE. Keep scrolling. There’s so much variety when it comes to Elvis fanfics. It’s not just smut.

Then onto the big daddy thing. That didn’t just become a thing. It’s been a thing for the past two years. How is it disgusting? Lmao. It’s never that serious and honestly no one is being disrespectful when they use that term. That man has big daddy energy. That is never a bad thing, lol.

I swear. People don’t know how to just enjoy things and not taking things so seriously and constantly complaining about literally everything. Why can’t people just enjoy things? I feel like I constantly speak up about this because I’m so tired of people telling people how they should love Elvis or how there’s a wrong and right way. I’m so tired of people making others feel like they don’t belong here. We all love and respect Elvis. We all love learning about him in every aspect of his life. So many of us do so much research and constantly read books on him because we DO see him more than just a “pretty face” more than just an “aesthetic”. He’s a huge part of our lives and we all in some way have a story about how he’s impacted us or what he’s done for us. Doesn’t mean we can’t joke about things or like make unhinged posts. Life doesn’t always have to be taken so seriously.

Lighten up. Elvis would be bothered by how uptight some of you are.

Thank you for coming to my Elvis ted talk. ☺️

#elvis presley #elvis #elvis fandom #elvis fans #start being kinder to each other in this fandom

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professionally-bewildered · 3 days

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“Buck misunderstood the assignment”

“Buck should have kissed Eddie”

“Tommy is getting in the way of Buddie”

“Buddie should happen at the bachelor party”

NO!

NO!!

NO!!!

Let Buck have his turn with Tommy, they clearly care about each order and want to see where things go. Obviously, you can’t deny that Eddie & Buck have chemistry, but Eddie needs to have his own journey, apart from Buck, nothing can happen between them until they both are ready. And the people that are coming for Lou and Oliver, for “ruining Buddie”, need to SHUT UPPPP!!! And must I remind y’all, that Buck is IN A RELATIONSHIP right now. A happy one, so let him and Tommy have their time, and let Eddie have his own separate journey. Eddie is also dating someone as well (🤮🤮🤮). If and when Buddie happens, it needs to make sense for the characters and audience, if it just happens out of the blue, it will kinda defeat the slow burn of it all, and will be messy and thrown together. If we want Buddie, give it time, so that it works, and stays true to the story. Let BuckTommy have their time, let Eddie have his journey, and LEAVE THE ACTORS ALONE!

Thank you for coming to my ted talk 🙏

#buddie #eddie diaz #911 #911 abc #911onabc #evan buckley #bucktommy #tommy kinard #lou ferrigno jr #oliver stark #ryan guzman

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lady-raziel · 3 days

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just seen your post re monica lewkinsky &... I totally agree with you. Her Ted Talk is amazing & how she is living her life is.... I'm actually in awe of her. So thank you, sincerely, for your beautiful words.

to speak genuinely, for real: i cannot even put into words how much respect i have for monica lewinsky. i will never, ever, forget the slow realization of learning more and more of what happened as i grew up and coming to the sobering discovery that this was the story of how a whole country decided to place the blame on one young woman and then slutshame and destroy her life instead of really question what role those in power, including the president of the united states, had played in events. everyone had decided to sacrifice one woman, regardless of the role she played or bad decisions she'd made, and string her up so everyone could point their fingers in shame, and to laugh. it was despicable. and it's made worse by the realization that in the end, any of us could be monica lewinsky. not just other young women in politics, but any of us who could find ourselves in a situation where because of the power and privilege of the other party and because the societal stereotypes everyone will jump to reinforce, we could be the one laid out at the altar to die.

after all of that, and everything monica was put through, it would have been totally reasonable for her to hide away in a fishing village on a remote island somewhere and never speak to anyone ever again. but instead, despite it being hard, despite people still judging her when they hear her name, despite the fact that we as a country don't deserve it, monica lewinsky has chosen to devote her life to speaking out against the very things that were weaponized against her. to choose to help people who had tried to destroy you and change the system in order to create a world where it won't happen to others, instead of becoming solely bitter and angry forever-- that is a testament to strength. so many people preach in favor of a better world when they are the ones suffering, but choose to enact vengeance when their voice is finally the one being listened to. to do the opposite is the most radical act of all.

and if that wasn't enough, monica is able to speak honestly and even make jokes of her own about her whole situation. after all those 1990s TV talk show hosts beat her over and over with sticks, practically on a daily basis, she is finally able to look them in the eyes and say, "you've had your fun. now it's my turn."

It's one of the most goddamn inspiring and compelling things I've ever heard. She's incredible.

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tirralirralirra · 3 days

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something I love about having read/watched frieren and dungeon meshi concurrently is getting to see that, despite their similar broad genres (fantasy, DND-esque settings, failure op elf girls /lh), they are two very distinct stories that ultimately achieve the same* thematic goal through different narrative means.

like you have frieren's contemplative, almost slice-of-life style storytelling that focuses on how the connections between people make an impact, and how it's beautiful to cherish the memories of those we love, even the small ones (especially the small ones), and that being alive is so, so beautiful because of those things. Then juxtaposing this with the overall narrative of a literal journey to a land beyond in order to meet with the dead, while not losing focus on those that are alive. Frieren as a story takes time to explore the small things that make life beautiful (fields of flowers, the beauty and not the power of magic, stargazing and sunsets with your friends).

and then you have dunmeshi's tight narrative arcs that are built around urgency (saving falin, first from digestion, then from...chimera-ization), but also continually return to the same concept as a core tenet to both the literal narrative structure around meals and the overall story: to eat is a privilege of the living. That there is joy to be found in eating because it means you are alive, that you survived. That taking time to take care of yourself is honoring your life. That death is a part of life through the acts of killing monsters to eat, and that the dungeon's condition where a soul remains tethered to the body is unnatural.

For that last bit, I love how we're just introduced to the concept in the beginning as a bit of world building, something you might just take at face value of, "oh, I guess this is how this works in this story", and over the course of the story the characters start to interrogate that reality, culminating in Marcille's realization at the end that they took death for granted because of the dungeon's condition:

[ID: Manga panel of Marcille looking down in thought and saying "Look, this might sound a little weird, but...I think the entire point of this journey we went on....was learning how to accept death.]

(Panel is from the ehscans version, will update with official eng when the final volume releases)

I also love that the story takes the time to say, look, you can be in a hurry, but you still need to take care of yourself. Eat well, sleep well, What will you achieve in the service of yourself or others if you don't take care of the most basic qualities to survive first? The most recent episode is a good example of that with the focus on shuro vs. laios, and then there's this reinforcement of the idea by the end:

[ID: Dungeon meshi manga page showing Laios, Chilchuck, and Senshi shouting "A balanced diet!!" "R-regulating our daily rhythms!!" "And moderate exercise!!" respectively, followed by the three in various poses in front of the word "VICTORY" and Laios saying "If we watch these three points...we'll naturally work our way to strong bodies!!"]

Anyways this is all very disorganized and I have other things I need to do and I could write a more cohesive, actually organized thought piece on all of this with like, coherent points, but I don't really like to delve into literary analysis on my fandom account. it just lives in my head, rent free. thank you for coming to my ted talk tumblr. don't expect to see more of this, lol.

*I say same goal, which is not to say the only goal. stories can have more than one theme, it's ok if you disagree with me on this, but please bear in mind that I'm speaking very, very broadly.

#dunmeshi #dunmeshi spoilers #frieren #frieren spoilers #esque thoughts #dungeon meshi #delicious in dungeon #meta esque

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xoxotlou · 1 day

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there’s something so special about seeing yourself in a character- i truly resonate so deeply with ellie for so many reasons and i thought i would just talk about that for a bit because i think it’s really cool 🫶

-her relationship with joel mirrors that of me and my dad, the first time he called ellie “babygirl” i cried because that’s what my dad used to call me.

-her relationship with dina struck me too, the way she loved her so deeply. ellie goes all in when it comes to emotions ive noticed, much like i do. she would do anything to protect dina, including leaving her. the scene where dina tells ellie shes pregnant hit me so hard, because she cares so much about dina and yet she gets angry and hostile because she’s so upset.

-this is a bit of a jump- but the way she wanted her immunity to mean something. i have a lot of times in my life where i will go through hell to get something, and if it doesn’t end up working out i feel useless. i always have to be the bigger person and help others; much like how ellie wanted to make a cure, even if it would kill her

- her journaling- i’ve been doing it for years and it’s so important to me to have pieces of myself and my life physically on paper

-her love for pus-

-i look a lot like her which was cool to see, we have a lot of the same features and the exact same face shape and nose so i love cosplaying her :)

-her violent tendencies, i was put in sports at a very young age and it was my whole world- but oh my god i was intense about it- i got into so many fights as a kid too, usually to protect my friends and myself(im not like this anymore dw!!! bad childhood phase-)

-the way she interacts with jj reminds me of when my sister was born :(((

-her half up bun hairstyle is literally my signature!!!

-her nerdy ass is so funny to me- i’m also obsessed with comics, dinosaurs and space

-

thank you for coming to my ted talk.

#tlou #ellie williams #ellie tlou #ellie the last of us #character exploration #character kin #the last of us #tlou hbo #tlou2

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aesthetictarlos · 1 day

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I'm renowned (that's not true, who cares about me lol) for being a Buck&TK friendship truther ever since the crossover aired, so in my head Buck called TK right after the kiss to rant about Tommy and how cute his cleft is (I literally wrote a fic about this) and he's keeping him posted (TK teases him because he can't stop talking about Tommy and Buck teases him back telling him that he can't stop talking about Carlos and they're literally married).

All of this to say that in my head (and probably in my AO3 if I manage) Buck and Tommy will visit Tarlos in Austin so they can have a double date and Tommy and Carlos can team up to tease dumbass and dumbasser (because Carlos will absolutely get along with him, he told me). And then TK will get a bit emotional seeing Buck being THIS happy and settled in his skin and they'll share a brotherly hug and I'll cry my eyes out. (And then TK will tell him that he was right, Tommy's hot and Buck will pretend to be annoyed and I just love them okayyyy)

Thank you for coming to my ted talk

#evan buckley #tommy kinard #tk strand #carlos reyes #tevan #bucktommy #buck and tommy #tarlos #tk and buck are besties i make the rules #buck and tk friendship truther #allie imagines things #allie rambles #im rambling again and im not sorry at all

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ankh-morporkianpostalworker · 13 hours

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The Inevitability of the Fate of the New California Republic

I know I'm late to the discussion, but I have a Fallout show hot take - I like that the NCR, as we know it, is gone.

Why? Because Fallout: New Vegas essentially says that they're doomed to extinction.

Three of the major faction leaders (Benny, Mr. House, and Caesar) all point out flaws with the NCR. Caesar, however, has the most interesting take on the NCR. Now, I'm not saying I agree with Caesar about literally anything aside from what he says about the NCR, because, of all the characters in the game, he has the most well-thought-out critique of the NCR:

Do you want my opinion as a former citizen, or future conqueror? {shrug} Actually, my opinion's the same either way. As a young man I was taught to venerate {mocking slightly}President Tandi of Shady Sands. "The Founding Mother of the New California Republic." Did you know her Presidency lasted 52 years? And that her father, Aradesh, was the Republic's first President? Does that sound like democracy to you, or a hereditary dictatorship?

If the Courier points out that Tandi was, in fact, voted in to office every time, Caesar responds:

Because the council didn't dare oppose her. She was too popular. She had the people's love. So things ran smoothly, more or less. And as soon as she was gone, as soon as there really could be "democracy" - what happened then? Ever since losing its queen, the NCR has been weaker, more diffuse. Democracy has been its weakness, not its strength.

Finally, if the Courier asks how democracy is the NCR's weakness, Caesar says:

Greed runs rampant. The government is corrupt, accepting bribes from Brahmin barons and landowners, to the detriment of citizens. The NCR is a loose conglomerate of individuals looking out for themselves. It's lost virtue. No one cares about the collective, the greater good. It's not built to last. I'm just hastening the inevitable.

And the thing is, he's not wrong. Speak to Brahmin barons on the Strip, and they'll essentially tell you the same thing. NCR soldiers will complain about the lack of supplies. The Great Khans hate them because the NCR massacred their people at Bitter Springs (which none of the NCR characters particularly care to talk about). Kimball, the leader of the NCR forces, is a fucking dumbass who's military strategy is to amass all of his soldiers at a single point and he's so bad at managing things that he needs a fucking mailman to come in and save the day.

The NCR was running on borrowed time the moment Tandi died. The Fallout showrunners obviously played, and understood, New Vegas.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk. In summary, the NCR sucks, Independent Vegas is the best ending, and New Vegas fucking rules.

#fallout show #fallout new vegas #fallout amazon #fallout

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lynxy-binxy · 1 day

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Bro people who use the way Gerard and Frank act with each other in like interviews and stuff in order to "prove" that freard was/is real pisses me off so much cuz like.. that's exactly how me and my irl best friends act with each other. Like, my best friend is aromantic and I have a crush on another guy but we still act in a way that makes it seem to other people like we're dating, when really we're really good friends who also happen to both be neurodivergent, which I think may be a factor into why Gee and Frank act that way with each other (not saying that I know they're ND, there's just a whole lotta evidence that they are). Also I'm pretty sure I saw an interview or smth once where one of them said that they literally just kissed to piss off the homophobes, and they both have wives. Not to mention that they all (except Mikey) kinda act that way with each other. (Also one time I asked my best friend if she would passionately kiss me in front of thousands of people to piss off the homophobes and she said yes, also I've kissed my other best friend three times and she has a gf) Anyway, in conclusion gee and frank are just neurodivergent and rlly good friends and I'm sick of seeing freard stuff all the time, thank you for coming to my ted talk /nm

#mcrmy #mcr #frank lero #g way #gerard way #my chemical romance #mikey way #ray toro

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2000-man1 · 1 day

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Making me think things I shouldn’t again

Vinnie’s face just says it all and my mind instantly went somewhere else seeing him sandwiched between these 2

Also the fact that he’s looking down completes my claim

Thank you for coming to my ted talk of the day

#rock n roll #kiss #kiss band #kissblr #kiss army #paul stanley #starchild #the starchild #the bandit #bandit #gene simmons #demon #the demon #vinnie vincent my beloved #vinnie vincent #the ankh warrior #ankh warrior #ao3 #making me think things I shouldn’t

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burn-gormans-eyelashes · 2 days

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At this point I'll just come here give my 2 cents about the "Reasons Toshiro Loves Falin" debate as I'm sure no one will read or care, I just like to elaborate my own thoughts.

The thing I feel both sides of the debate seem to miss is: Toshiro does love the things that differ Falin and Laios but that doesn't mean he has good reason to love her either.

First of all, yes, she and Laios do have different personalities, but Toshiro fails to see how very similar they actually are. He doesn't know her well enough to know that there is more in common between the siblings than meets the eye. He says she is a fascinating woman because she was contemplating a damn caterpillar, but what if he had seen her frolicking around the garden and picking crickets and wild berries? Would he still find her alluring and interesting, or loud and obnoxious - like Laios?

Also, the things he likes about her are the things that make her mild. Not her bravery, not her intellect and magical talent, not her humor or the many qualities Laios and Marcille attribute to her. But her being soft-spoken and so considerate and introspective. He likes her because she doesn't take space and that's not true. We know how rambunctious she is. How adventurous and strong willed. Once again, he doesn't know her well enough to be able to love her true self.

As someone who relies entirely too much on cues and subtleties to show my feelings instead of being open about them, I completely empathize with Toshiro's struggle with Laios. I enjoy being a Shuro Hater for shits and giggles, I think he is a well written character that brings many interesting points to the story. But he is shallow, spoiled, and insecure, and I don't think he loves Falin - he loves the idea he created of her, and that's not good for either of them.

Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.

#dungeon meshi

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yencirilla · 7 months

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i think it's so interesting how people have just decided fearne has serious feelings for certain characters just because They ship it when i have yet to see fearne give any sort of hint to that in the game?? NOW if we're talking about people fearne treats differently/cares for differently, i think we should have a discussion on how gentle fearne is with imogen temult i think we should talk about fearne screaming imogen's name, fearne tying her and laudna's ribbons around imogen's wrist, fearne being so opposed to imogen giving in to the storm because she doesn't want to lose her. I think we should Discuss That.

#it's always bothered me how people just assume fearne has romantic feelings for someone purely from headcannons?#like how you interpret a scene does not mean that is what is happening #and it's always with a specific ship #idk sorry #imogen and fearne truther i think fearne has the biggest crush #but doesn't say anything because she's scared of ruining what laudna and imogen have #fearne talks to imogen so differently from anyone else #she is so GENTLE with her #also just funny how no one is even thinking it may be about chetney #i don't think it is but damn he really just is not a thought in some people's minds #not me tho #that's all thank you for coming to my ted talk #fearne calloway #imogen temult #critical role

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hattersarts · 8 months

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