#the muscle memory of fear

[crushofdoves]

everyone else in my house is asleep but i am listening to mitski and my dog is pacing the floor and like i get it, dude, i really do

#this dog has more anxiety than any human i’ve ever met #we have so much in common #except i am all bite #my teeth are sunk in before i know my mouth is open #the muscle memory of fear #i’m FINE just very high and having A Moment #i barely slept last night why am i awake now at 1am

[s0fter-sin]

something happening on a mission, something personal that has soap spiralling; panic and rage making him reckless, thoughtless, and ghost has to draw the line

“you’re compromised johnny; you know what that means?”

“you’re not pulling me out,” soap immediately snarls. he turns on him and ghost barely recognises him; venomous fear turning his eyes to unyielding ice. "you're not sidelining me; i need to be in this-!"

but ghost has never been afraid of venom; spat or dripped straight from bared fangs.

he snakes out a hand grip the back of his neck, jerking him in a rough shake. "if you can't think, you can't be a soldier," he growls and he flinches like he's been struck.

his lips quiver as they twist in a sneer and he wrenches, trying to free himself of his hold.

ghost doesn't let him.

"it means you give your body to me because your head ain't fucking attached to it anymore."

soap stills, body trembling beneath his hand as he sucks in shaking breaths.

he tightens his grip, pulling him closer and digs his forehead hard into his. “it means you give yourself to me so i can have the weapon that you are and use you the way you're meant to be used."

the ice in soap's eyes fractures.

ghost’s voice drops to a whisper, spoken only to johnny, not this facade of vengeance and pain, and wills it to reach him through the glaciers.

“so i can keep you safe ‘til it’s done and i can bring you back.”

#in my head its bc graves abducts his sister and is using her as hostage to draw him out knowing ghost will always follow him #but the intensity and intimacy of saying ‘you cant trust your mind not to betray you so let me be in charge of your body until you can’ #after what happened to tommy he could never deny johnny his right to save his sister #but its bc of what happened to tommy that he knows he cant let him do it alone with only his rage to guide him #hes more likely to get himself killed and ghost wont live through that #so he has to balance it #and the only way he knows how is to completely shut down soap’s mind until hes no more than instinct and muscle memory #if he cant think practically then dont let him think at all #reduce him to a place where he can only follow orders #and when its finally over and his sister is safe and graves is dead #only then will he drag johnny back up to the surface #he’ll do it even if it means dragging him kicking and screaming back to humanity #instead of letting him sink in the depths where nothing hurts. theres no fear down there. no pain. only order #and thats the risk ghost took sending johnny to that place but he only did it bc he would stop at nothing to bring him back #and help him through the after #the breakdown. the rush of panic and rage and relief and anguish johnnys been supressing on his order #it was his word that turned johnny into a ghost #and its his touch that brings him back to the man #coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt #we’re a team. ghost team #cod #soapghost #ghostsoap #ghost x soap #ghoap #simon ghost riley #ghost cod #john soap mactavish #soap cod

[crabsnpersimmons]

swapping Y/N's with @starriegalaxy!!

i'm still learning magma, so starrie and i decided to draw our moons swapping Y/Ns from our AUs!

if you haven't yet, check out Starrie's Fear Factor AU: https://www.tumblr.com/starriegalaxy/739357795303014400/dca-x-scared-of-animatronics-mascotsreader-au she's got lovely sketches and drabbles and her DCA designs are so huggable!

#fnaf moon #fnaf dca #dca fandom #fear factor au #new do same you au #crab art #mutual's art #jesties collab #digital art #digital art is hard 😂 #the ability to undo and tweak forever is dangerous #but this was really fun! #i need to draw himbo moon more #my muscle memory just does not compute his new body #and yes i gave starrie's y/n the snazziest of shoes #she gave me full creative reign (:< #and for once i don't have to live with the consequences of my design choices #it's her problem now /jk

[just-an-enby-lemon]

Thinking about the complexities of a "losing your magic" story in a DnD (and similar) scenerio because what it means completly depends of your class. Because while not everyone is born with magic, everyone can have it.

How for a sorcerer losing their magic is genuinally about losing a part of themselfs, to suddently not being able to do something they always did. Losing your magic is like sudently losing a limb or one of your senses. And how besides being always theirs, their magic is ancestral how it can mean losing a connection with a part of their family history.

How for paladins is about morals. About breaking their vows whatever they are, dealing with the fact that they changed or maybe that morals were always way more complicated than they thought they were. (The Oathbreaker subclass changes things but I think it can work if Oathbreaker is one of the ways to embrace the emotional conflict that took your magic). Is almost phylosofical. Is the what makes Thor worthy?

How for druids, clerics and warlocks are different levels of losing a connection. For druids is with nature, with a force beyond their comprehension but that became a part of you for so long and who are you without this feeling? For warlocks is so many things, is losing a boss, a friend, is the price of freedom, is the loss of whatever you had with the sentient being that gave you powers. And for clerics is a mix, is about if their gods are feelings like nature or beings that talk to them, but whatever it is, for clerics, for clerics is a lack of faith. Is about what happens when you doubt your god, when you can't belive it or in it. Is also about what happens when your god doesn't belive in you.

For bards and mages is the loss of a skill. The bards might have the loss of their playing or voice but even if not, even if is just the magic that is gone, well they, just like the mages, studied hard to be abble to do magic. If for a sorcerer is like losing a limb, for them is like waking up in the morning and noticing your accent changed or that you don't speak a language you once did anymore, is trying to ride the same bicycle you used to go to work everyday and noticing you just doesn't know how.

#now since i'm listening to rqg #i need need to point out #that it started with me thinking aboug rqg wilde #and the differences between hamid's fear of losing magic and wilde's actual reality after losing his #and after getting it #thinking about how rq wilde speaks with a posh british accent #not a hint of the irish he had to have had #and thinking about how trying to do prestigiditagion and failing for him is actually similar to the day he realized it #the day he noticed his thoughts were not in irish gaelic anymore #also a thing hamid and him can totally bound about because hamid also lost his cairo accent #rqg #rusty quill gaming #dnd #pathfinder #ttrpg #loss of magic #in a less this specific podcast does degenerative disorders like dementia and Alzheimer affect bardic and mages magic? #does amnesia affect their spells? #are they muscle memory? #is some of them muscle memory and some not?

[randomly--accessed--memories]

Vox's mind is stored in his heart. He's capable of staying completely conscious even without a head, limbs, or any other parts of his body; as long as his heart is intact, he can remain self-aware.

After physically torturing Vox, dismembering him until he was only a torso, all Alastor needed to do to begin the real show was to get inside his heart. The last thing Vox felt before his Old Life ended and his New Life began was one of Alastor's little shadow tentacles slithering into his heart.

On good days, Vox will sometimes abruptly become very aware of his heart/heartbeat and feel a frantic need to protect it, even though nothing's happening and his chest is totally intact. On bad days, he'll suddenly be gripped with the sensation of something wriggling around in his heart, which either triggers a directionless meltdown or a bout of self-harm aimed at his chest.

#vox (ram) #randomly accessed memories #dark #cw self harm #cw body horror #fun fact about me; i used to have constant panic attacks because the muscles in my chest twitch occasionally when i'm anxious #and when they first started happening i thought i was going to have a heart attack and die! that lasted for three years! #i am so grateful not to be scared of them anymore #the constant fear of death was fucking *hellish*

[alectothinker]

literally forgot that my body could do things for so long. now im (tentatively) singing again and trying 2 dance a bit in the bathroom mirror at 3am and learning how to kick the shit out of my brother's punching bag. we r so back babes.

#muay thai kicks r TOUGH bro #cant believe i used to do martial arts as a kid. where did all that skill go #altho i Did feel the muscle memory come flooding back into my body the first time i tried to kick again #and that was Fun #hashtag connecting 2 my body again #hashtag getting over my fear of being seen by virtue of recording myself 2 see what i can improve on #hell yeah #figured out that i move like a total nerd and push my glasses up SO OFTEN. but i am getting there with the kick form yayyy #btw shoutout to techs by oshun bc that song is so vibey and just makes me want to move !!!! #text

[crush-like-that]

YOU COULD HAVE DONE SO MUCH MORE IF YOU ONLY HAD TIME

#i fear my hamilton phase is coming back #oh lord. it's been almost two years since i listened to these songs and yet i sing them like muscle memory #tis a scary thought

[tornsuits]

relistening to hnoc nature is healing etc etc

#also this blog isn't second in my list of blogs anymore which is throwing my muscle memory off #almost posted this to my... well... iykyk blog #anyway i'm guinevere the fastest draw my hand is fate my word is law and you shall fear me <3 <3

[bumpscosity]

starting an origins server with some of my siblings friends and i just found out everyone's making characters up for it i feel like the combo i picked has so many possible outcomes

#i'm thinking of going a grimwalker route where they like a memoryless clone of someone they never knew #my spawn is in the nether and i def wanna make it my home base. i don't think anyone else is spawning in the nether so that'll be fun #interesting for me bc i'm usually the one leeching off others recourses to build stuff but ALSO story wise very isolating #you wake up in hell and it's gross and weird but something about it is familiar. #not in memories per se but muscle memory. not things you did but knowing what not to eat #what's friendly. what hurts. maybe they know their a reincarnation of someone else deep down. #but that person was a blip in time. discipated into the endless seas of molten lava a long time ago. #their soul and magic just now mustering up the strength to become whole again. to become SOMETHING. #it was many eons ago that that person existed. their belongings and home have long since decayed and become one with the hellish landscape #there is no time to think of who you once were. there is only survival. #but the moment you have a home and supplies and are truly safe. you feel a deep fear. #a fear of who you once were long ago. who they could've been. what you should be. momories you no longer possess. #a longing to understand and go back to being a self you never were. #a person who's existence has been lost to time. #you shake off these feelings as best you can #but every time you find yourself in the overworld looking out at the vast ocean #you can't help but wonder wether they hated the deep blue sea as much as you do. #sassy speaks #mc #WHY DID I WRITE SO MUCH HELP I DIDNT MEAN TO DO THAT-

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

Okay what other soul-crushing books about the meaning of humanity can I read?

#I’m a sucker for characters who aren’t treated as human and start to believe it themselves #Maybe it’s my queerness; maybe it’s my cult upbringing; maybe it’s my neurodivergence; maybe it’s my profession #idk #The only problem is that I get an overwhelming urge to take care of someone who doesn’t exist #which is weird because I typically don’t feel much empathy in real life #I guess I’ve become addicted to it??? #I know you don’t need empathy to be a good person; but for me feeling any emotion at all is reassurance that I’m not soulless?? #I like feeling strong emotion; but I almost never get to because I’m so damned calm about everything #There’s an emotional cutoff point where after a certain amount of exposure to something I can’t experience the same emotions for it #Happiness sadness anger disgust fear anxiety love… they all have different decay rates (love lasts the longest) but they all go away #I can still outwardly behave as if I react the same way from muscle memory; but it’s a hollow caricature #Which is frustrating when all the directions for crying on command amount to “remember a past life event that makes you cry” #Bold of you to assume I have any real emotional connection to my past #And I’m a good actor otherwise but… hm can’t do that

[morgana-pendragon]

showing my age in tumblr years by still pressing the ask icon at the top right hand corner of a blog on desktop instead of the very conveniently placed link underneath the user’s bio

#it’s muscle memory i fear i can’t stop #stop talking abbie

[synonymroll648]

Drink water bud

bc just how much my throat hurts depends on how much water i drink (more water = less pain), i've been drinking plenty, dw :)

#symptoms are super bitchy #but they could be a lot worse. last time i got covid sucked waaaaay more than this time #like my throat hurts and i literally sucked up bloody mucus in the bathroom this morning #(from said throat) #but at least it doesn't feel like swallowing glass shards every time i move any of my throat muscles. so i have no reason to not drink wate #r. and my headache sucks but it's not a migraine like it was last time. #and i have a fever but it's mild. and my nose is clogged for the most part but i can kinda breathe through it and blowing it doesn't suck #too bad. and i'm tired but i can sleep whenever i want throughout the day because people are like 'sleeping in the day bc recovery is good' #and the reeeeeaaaally weird dreams are new but at least they're entertaining? #except for the one that brought up a trauma related fear i didn't even know i had. that left me really really mad at the dream version of #my little brother. but i'm over it now because the memory's hazy now and i'm more aware of how it wasn't ACTUALLY my little brother bc it #wasn't real. at all. and i'm coughing now but it's not hellish. yet. #and uh. yeah that sums most of it up #ask #winterfireice

[shayderwolfspirit]

When you are having a panic attack people shouldn't tell you "why are you like this?" "Don't do this" "get over it, it's not a big deal". It all makes it worse, much worse, right? I want you to know this: it's not your fault, and you shouldn't be guilt tripped, either it's people that are freaking out not knowing what to say or due to lack of sensitivity, you don't need that, take your time, take it and what you need, don't force yourself to answer to them or act different, again, it's not your fault, and also know this, it'll pass, it'll be okay, hold on, just wait 💗

#anxiety #panic attack #anxiety attack #emotional #trigger #triggered #memories #flashbacks #feelings #emotions #fear #phobias #depression #sleep deprivation #malnutrition #need of a decent therapist #surroundings #dizziness #contractions #muscles #clenched #tension #shortness of breath #hyperventilating #support #friends #therapy #help #personal

[dcndrohime]

Getting a Vision, is well and all but i'd rather believe no one start in control too easily, rather accumulate experiences and mastery going forwards.

#ooc #its like trying something new and practicing it #till its like muscle memory or something like that #cause for my muse specifically #she was stuck involuntarily getting peeks of people's fears traumas and memories for some time #which intensified that bitterness of hers in the name of the people #towards what Inazuma suffered #even now #there is still so much for her to explore with her Vision #and herself as a person #catch me rambling i guess #mobile

[random-shit-writing]

when you go to the eye doctor and they shine a bunch of bright lights in your eyes, and then they scan your eyes with a weird lazer, and suddenly you can't see jack shit and everything is blurry. and then you have basically no vision for over an hour, and even then, several hours later, your pupils are extremely dilated, and both are different sizes.

like, forget being scared of the dentist, i had a new fear unlocked today 😭

#vent #eyes #fear #my post #like i genuinely couldn’t see anything #everything was blurry #i couldn’t even see my phone screen #i only managed to text my mother through pure muscle memory of my app placement and keyboard #i was genuinely scared for a few hours

[cherrysnax]

being a self taught artist is hard because well. ur ur own teacher. hence the name shdhja I use to carry that as like a badge of honor to the potion where things like critiques and references felt like. attacks on my person

#I’ve improved a lot in the past year or two #I was mostly coasting on muscle memory and copying things I liked but not understanding why #doing studies maybe once every 3 months and always of the same thing #i refined a lot of stuff but never improved #I’ve kinda had to remake my style from the ground up and learn to draw again #and it was hard #im still a beginner I think #I still make beginner mistakes #but the reason I’m making them #is because I’m not afraid of trying something new anymore. that fear of failure of leaving ur comfort zone kills art bro #more than comparison imo. I’m still afraid of things #but that makes me wanna try them #more!! you can’t get better if u get stuck in ur ‘Style’ and sometimes ur style isn’t even ur style #its just #there yknow #I have so much to do and I’m excited for shit to change im excited to learn #I just wish I had unlearned things sooner