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andthebeanstalk · 11 months

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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

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ducktracy · 5 months

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if you find yourself asking "how shall i spend the next one minute and 52 seconds?", i implore you to turn to the Wansa-kun opening for the most joyful way to fill the time. isn't this wonderful

#trying to make good on my word and watch all the shows i've been saying i would... those being Urusei Yatsura Lupin Part 3 Gutsy Frog and #Wansa though the latter isn't fully subbed #i love me some 70s/80s gag anime... it's really funny how often the western golden age influence pops up #especially in UY--the episode i watched just had a character turn into a wolf while being a lech! in something made after 1946!!!!!! amazin #thank you to my wonderful peers and friends pushing me down this route #vid

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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 4 months

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Welcome to the Dungeons of Fear and Hunger.

#Fear and Hunger #D'arce Cataliss #Cahara #Ragnvaldr #Enki Ankarian #Unlike Dungeon Meshi - I cannot in good faith recommend this game to a broad audience.#My background with F&H goes as follows: I am hanging out with a friend. He says “hey try this game I've been playing.” I say “Okay!”#I have never heard of this game. I pick the mercenary. I go through 5 min of character history and background. I am mauled to death by dogs #It took me 4 resets to even get in the dungeon. But I finally get there. I am caught by a guard. He cuts off all but one of my limbs #I am forced to crawl around in a blood and corpse pit until the game tells me 'give up idiot'.#I reset. I am mauled by dogs again. I realize this is not for me but I am intrigued enough to go home and watch some playthroughs #And WOW what an interesting game it is! I really do appreciate games that blend their design philosophy with the theme it wants to set #This is a game about fear and hunger. And persevering. And penis (my god is there a lot of penis)#I recommend this to people who like extremely challenging games and can handle the many *content warnings* within this series #If the idea of Bloodborne/eldenring and undertale having a little RPG maker baby sounds appealing to you - give it a shot #It's made by ONE GUY and it's a great horror game. I am just really bad at it.#My friends just enjoy putting me in situations where I scream and yell. We don't talk about the corn mazes. Or the other horror game nights #Apparently I'm funny when I'm Scared!#As people who follow me on twitter might know; I am deep in the pits of this series right now. I will be back with more art.

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expelliarmus · 9 months

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#mine #doctor who #dwedit #peter capaldi #michelle gomez #jenna louise coleman #i'm so excited for the ten and missy and paternoster gang audio to come out!!!#so i decided it was time to remake this bit!!!!#hi friends sorry it's been a bit since i've made some gifs #i was at sdcc and went to disneyland #very good time #i got fourteen's new sonic!!!! and got buttons of dt and ct's faces!!!!!#and posters of fourteen fifteen donna and ruby!!!!!! very exciting #and i caught up on some big finish audios #and i saw barbie and haunted mansion this week #hope you've all been well :')))

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floccinaucinihilipilificationa · 11 months

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Hello may 31th anon! Look at that, another year behind us and a new one to come. Have a nice day! ₍՞◌′ᵕ‵ू◌₎♡

#may 31th anon #hello friends!! (｡’▽’｡)♡ how are you!! I missed you so much!#I'm sorry that once again i have not been posting but I did that thing again where I got scared of posting #I do not know why but it is the same with physical paper diarys #I have 3 diarys and they all have 1 entry #I think one just says 'I am ten'#what have you been up to!! did you do something fun? is it summer too where you live? c:#my tumblr messages seem to be broken! I'm sorry if you wrote something :C it just says 'no new messages' despite also saying new messages #not a lot has happened here! I got a tomato plant and then I got very invested into the tomato plant and I have eaten three tomatos so far (#my roses are also doing well!! I just got a new yellow rose and since she got here she only made orange flowers #I do not know the meaning of that #but I am very thankful! ( ˊᵕˋ )♡ I love it when things are orange!!#I've been trying to buy an orange shirt for the past 2 weeks but they always sell out before I get to them #I'm also thinking about buying a jean jacket #I have not worn a jean jacket for at least 15 years because one time in 7th grade tthe girl behind me said #that I was wearing a cool jean jacket and I just assumed that this was bullying for no actual reason #but maybe she just thought that it was an acutal cool jean jacket #we'll soon have out 10 year school reunion #maybe I should ask her #is anyone else going to a secret Sherlock phase again #I just want to see that silly little hat again #would sherlock holmes wear a jean jacket #have a nice day everyone!!#see you soon hopefully!!#♡＾▽＾♡

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otomiyaa · 3 months

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Oh this turn of events!

#tickling #tickle community #shoutout to all the amazing friends I've made #thanks to this tickle thing #special shoutout to bestie @ticklygiggles #meme #tickle meme

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buglaur · 2 years

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floating head in cas mod!

i made a piece of cc that hides the body in cas for ease of making transparent head icons and other such edits. it doesn’t delete the body permanently, it just acts as an invisible bodysuit that can be removed when you’re done

found in the outfits category

teen to elder / both frames

doesn’t remove the feet so you can still access the body menu

⚠️ when you’re finished with it, click on the sims shoes/feet, you can then access the outfit category from there to remove it!

gif preview under cut

download at simfileshare (free no ads)

GOD i hope it works, i didn’t ask for any testers. it should though!! just please lmk if you find issues ❤️❤️❤️

#ts4cc #ts4 #sims 4 #this might be very niche...#but i find it super useful!!#LOOK AT MY GORGEOUS BABIES #idk when i'll get back to legacy posting #i've played all the way up to gen 3 #but i made the mistake of doing it after a few drinks so the few screenshots i took #are all so shit #and i am not about to replay 2 in game weeks #oh well i'll figure something out #nothing much happened anyways so we might have a bit of a time skip #you won't hear much from me again this week sorry #my birthday is on thursday though 🥳🥳#doin an escape room with my friends and going to the pub with my dad #should be fun!!#anyways BYE #dl

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patroclusdefencesquad · 9 months

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joey batey in every song he writes for jaskier : i will sprinkle in the fact that jaskier is in love with geralt

#like. genuinely #i love the idea of jaskier being in love with geralt and it's this unrequited thing. but it's okay you know?#it's not a drama it's not a tragedy or angst it's just. that's his best friend and he loves him and he knows geralt cares for him #and that's all he needs #idk how to word this but i know i've said it before #i mean. 'the greatest songs are made up of unspoken words of love'#the witcher #joey batey

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anotherwellkeptsecret · 7 months

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To a Stranger: Prologue & 1-5

This comic is based on a true story--about how a lonely waitress by day and artist by night crosses paths with the man who stood up for her when they were children.

This comic does not have a set update schedule. I will draw pages as time allows. Please enjoy!

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strawbebbiesart · 8 months

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june/ july / august 💌🥪🦢

#digital art #artists on tumblr #illustrators on tumblr #original illustration #original art #sasha's art #work and classes start next week for me and also for all of my friends #and probably the whole city as well #so i wanted to do something to say goodbye to this summer #there was so much stress we went through with me moving to a new country and figuring out health care and banks and all of that fun stuff #and a lot of going back and forth between vienna and my home town #and also two (2) of my friends moved apartments and everyone went on vacation at different times #BUT #throught it all we still managed to see each other a lot and i feel like we made the most of it #i had fun and i really appreciated it all #so i wanted to capture all of these small moments #the swims in the danube and the picknics and the swans with their chattering #this was my first summer i got to spend while living in this city i've dreamed about my whole life #and i got to spend it with the love of my life and a beautiful group of friends #here's to many more!!#i hope you all also had a nice summer and i hope your return to work/ school/ whatever is comfortable and easy !#i have many ideas for art currently which always happens when i am about to have yero free time lmao #we'll see how much time i manage to make for it and when i can post my next big Piece #but hopefully soon!! my resolve is Big and my passion is all encompasing !!!!

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canisalbus · 4 months

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translated by GT

Today I learned that the Pope has the right to appoint secret cardinals, and even the cardinals themselves may not realize that they now have a new position. Popes have the right to make the name public at any time, but if the Pope dies before the Cardinal's name is made public, the individual ceases to be a Cardinal.

Yes, Catholicism is weird.

But more importantly, there is only one person in the world who can prove that I am not a cardinal.

.

#I've heard of those #stuff is complicated as is and the rules and canon have varied a lot throughout history #don't quote me on this but I believe in order to be eligible to become a cardinal these days you have to be an unmarried catholic man #between the ages of 30 and 75 #and an ordained priest at minimum even though in practice all cardinals are bishops or archbishops #but I also think the pope as the sovereign leader has the power to appoint anyone at least in theory #and historically the requirements have been a lot looser popes would create cardinals pretty haphazardly #nepotism was exceedingly common every pope would want to surround himself with relatives friends and allies #at least a few popes allegedly made their lovers into (largely incompetent) cardinals back in the day #answered #anonymous #not that I know anything but everything I've read about the renaissance holy see has immense chaotic energy

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elderwisp · 2 months

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