#this narrator is COMPLETELY sincere and I love it

[mycological-mariner]

Sometimes you gotta be careful listening to the Aubreyad audiobooks in public coz you’ll hear the line ‘her francus bancus’ said aloud by a completely sincere Englishman and lose it

#I was in the surgery waiting room and I just. I was wheezing #this narrator is COMPLETELY sincere and I love it #what’s worse is that when I was on my way OUT my headphones weren’t connected yet so I started playing it and the voice this guy does ?? #for one of the characters??? it’s so peevish and nasally amazing #anyways #aubreyad #aubrey maturin #I usually like to read the books but the library doesn’t get the book in until Wednesday and I’m already halfway through #thank GOD this narrator is obviously having fun with these books though. and that he can make everyone sound distinct

[incomingalbatross]

Okay I got to the "same story from different perspectives" comic now.

...I'm starting to think their respective views of the Unknown are less dramatically different than their respective views of Wirt, actually.

Greg: "Wirt handled the whole thing! Wirt knew EXACTLY what to do all the way through. He did dentistry for a horse! :)"

Wirt: "I GOT EATEN. ...AND THEN I FAILED THE TEST."

#greg has such complete and sincere faith in his brother i love him #and frankly who's to say he's wrong?? WIRT?? we all know wirt's not a reliable narrator!

[wilwheaton]

How did you get into acting? Was it something you've always wanted to do?

My mother forced me to become an actor when I was seven, and then refused to let me quit, even though I literally begged her to stop making me work. She used and exploited me to get things she wanted for herself.

I sincerely believed acting was something I wanted to do, because my mother manipulated and gaslighted me my entire childhood. I was completely brainwashed. By the time I was old enough to realize that not only was it not my idea, but that I didn't have to be an actor any more if I didn't want to, I was terrified I would be the huge failure my abusive father always made me believe I was, so I kept trying to be an actor well into my 30s.

In my 40s, I decided to retire from acting on-camera, and use what I'd learned over the years to work as a voice actor, audiobook narrator, and writer. I'm a New York Times bestselling author! And number on audiobook narrator!

I just turned 50 in July. I'm still doing the performing and entertaining work I'm pretty good at, but I'm only doing it on my terms. My favorite thing I'm doing right now is hosting The Ready Room, the official online destination for all things Star Trek universe.

I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. I'm truly thriving. I've been married for almost 24 years, I have two wonderful children and a daughter-in-law I love like my own. It's a really good life, but I'm not going to lie: I had to crawl through a LOT of shit to get here.

#tw child abuse #tw abuse #tw child exploitation #stage mothers #child actor #survivors

[wumblr]

the way house of leaves has been revived for a cult following is so funny. it's completely backwards! it was a music industry book. the singer poe, who made waves with her debut for having a few tracks produced by j dilla and then if i remember correctly doing a 500+ show tour, essentially tanked her career to promote the book (written by her brother)

not like on purpose but it was supposed to be a paired project and there was a remix with a book excerpt read by mark (the kyrie bmw sex scene) and like, i don't know, a tie-in website -- but then her label got sold or merged or acquired and the project was eventually cancelled after languishing in limbo for a few years. there's also an aspect of this where like, a texas oil executive posed as a friend of her late father (possibly true) in order to manipulate legal proceedings (?) to ultimately own her writing and recording copyrights post-acquisition (dubious allegation, which also relies on her having signed away both types of copyright to her label in the first place, arguably a larger problem spanning the whole industry, even today, still coming up in legal proceedings from kesha and taylor swift and so on)

anyway the album (haunted) and the book were both inspired by the same event (death of their father, tad danielewsky -- as an aside, a professor of theater at brigham young university). the album features samples from a box of cassette tape recordings of his voice. and also some fake samples from a couple of guys pretending to be tad danielewski with an obviously ridiculous accent and a couple of kids pretending to be her as a kid. and it takes place inside the house. the growl is there and everything i swear

it really was one of the top tier 90s concept albums (it was released in 2000 actually) but it is usually FAR too much to handle for casual listening and a lot of it comes across difficult for being so sincere and so unfocused (it is a love letter to her dead father where one of the songs is a list of places she's gotten fucked, because, uh, this is a conversation she wanted to have with him. shrug). and yet it's hard not to take it as it is because it's so consistently well produced

so i know nobody's computer comes with a cd player anymore but to read the book without listening to the paired album implicitly packed in the back of the book jacket is kind of like missing the whole point. there's a whole second act of rashomon you guys are missing. and a third act hello the etsy teleplays. ANYWAY the point i wanted to make is that there are a couple of things about the album sticking to the roof of my mouth as being somehow prescient. there's a distorted "why (are you) so serious" sample that would have come across VERY differently post-joker, but there's also "tell me something dangerous and true," a far more interesting variation on the theme currently circulating. and i'm speaking to an empty room here because it's only the celibate 60% of this website who is reading the book because it allows them a patina of literary validity and several nested unreliable narrators to distance themselves from the sex scenes, but haunted is very authentically, directly and exclusively written in first person and to be honest it fucks too hard for you guys. i'm sorry

#house of leaves

[littlemonday]

Ansur and The Emperor

I need to share my thoughts on the worst-of-all takes from this fandom regarding the Emperor

I remember texting my brother once I completed the Emperor’s quest, learning that he was once Balduran and the love of his life Ansur attempted to murder him. I felt heartbroken reading the final letter he gave to Ansur telling him to fly away and be free of the torment of trying to find a cure. My brother told me this was the quest that made him decide to side with the Emperor in the end. There was such tragedy and loneliness to the Emperor’s story. First, there was the tragedy of Belynne’s condition and death, a condition I believe he’s either partially or largely responsible for, and then the tragedy of being turned on by the one person he loved and who was the greatest thing that ever happened to him.

You can then imagine my absolute shock to find so many players repeating over and over the outrage that the Emperor murdered his best friend, that he “chose” to become an illithid by choosing to live, that they (the player) would have sided with Ansur if they could, that this was the moment they decided to betray the Emperor, and (my favorite) he should have let Ansur kill him.

I’m hardly the first and only person to remind everyone that Ansur takes over your body against your will, he admits to trying to bring the Emperor a “merciful death” but the Emperor “chose to fight,” that Ansur doesn’t care why you sought him out, that he wrongfully calls you a thrall, and that moments after meeting him we are forced to kill him out of self-defense in much the same way the Emperor had to.

HOW do so many players misinterpret this scene so badly? How do so many players get basic facts wrong and frame this like it was a straight up murder and not self-defense? And, how do so many players take from this scene the belief that “the Emperor should have let Ansur kill him?”

This post is not me saying that you have to like the Emperor. Liking a character is purely personal, but I genuinely take issue with so, so many players seemingly unable or unwilling to engage with a text in a meaningful way and perpetuating this worst-of-all takes that the Emperor should have accepted death at the hands of his lover because of who he was without any further thought as to the implications of what they’re saying. This comes from the same fandom who absolutely loves Omeluum who also needs to kill people in order to feed and survive.

Something to consider with monsters in fiction, particularly modern fiction, is that monsters represent something about the anxieties and fears of the audience, but monsters are often, in the same text, meant to challenge our prejudices and fears, and invite us to see their humanity. That is: to see ourselves in them. This can be difficult with a character like the Emperor because he’s an unreliable narrator and his morality is messy, but his motivations are understandable, sympathetic, and his needs are quite human. The Emperor does represent our fears of losing our humanity, of losing ourselves, and the body horror of being transformed against our will is an extension of that. But we are also invited to see ourselves in him. That is: to see his humanity.

Others have already pointed out that the Emperor mirrors the player. If you dehumanize him, he dehumanizes you. If you empathize with him, he is kind back to you. But even if you’re kind to him, so often through the game you’re unsure what to think of the Emperor; you’re unsure of his sincerity, and you don’t necessarily know the extent of his manipulations, or how truthful he’s being. I think that’s what makes this scene with him and Ansur so interesting and so humanizing: there’s no mirroring going on, and there are no little bread crumbs of his life you’re trying to piece together. You’re just a witness to his tragic story of his greatest betrayal and loss. I found it heartbreaking, and I was surprised to find that for so many others all this scene did was solidify their belief that the Emperor is nothing more than a monster.

Edit: Rewrote a sentence since it didn’t say what I meant it to say.

#the emperor #the emperor bg3 #bg3 #ansur #rant post #I’m writing this while very tired so forgive my sentence structure #baldurs gate 3

[soolh1k]

Skz ghosting you ! (pt 2)

notes: english is not my first language so apologies for any misspelling or grammar. i hope u like it !! :))) this is only the maknae line

type: text post | narrated text

genre: angst w fluff

WARNINGS: swearing, a little bit angsty, mentions of ed, let me know if you'd like me to tag u :)

Maknae line pt1 | Hyung line pt2

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𓍊𓋼𓍊𓋼𓍊 Han Jisung

The days were passing, and you felt that things were worsening between the two of you. You never dared to respond to the message he sent you; you were deeply hurt, and all you could do was cry in your mother's arms. However, your mother was tired of seeing you in such pain, so she met with your boyfriend, they talked things through, and they prepared a small surprise for you.

One day, coming back from work, you found a letter placed on your bed. Curiously, you opened it and realized it was from your boyfriend.

To my love bug,

I deeply apologize from the bottom of my heart if my actions have caused you any pain. I sincerely regret any mistakes I've made and the impact they may have had on our relationship. Instead of simply seeking forgiveness, I want to express the profound love and affection I have for you.

I am incredibly grateful for your unwavering concern and care towards me. Your support and understanding mean the world to me, and I want you to know that my love for you is immeasurable.

Thank you sincerely, from the depths of my heart, for always being there for me. Your presence in my life brings immense joy and happiness. I cherish every moment spent with you, and I cannot imagine my life without you. I love you deeply and unconditionally.

My love for you knows no boundaries. It surpasses all limitations and reaches the depths of my soul. You are the one who brightens my darkest days and fills my heart with warmth and happiness. I love you with all my heart, and I want you to feel the intensity of my affection.

Words fail to adequately express the depth of my love for you. It is an overwhelming feeling that consumes me entirely. My love for you is infinite. I cannot envision my life without you, and I want to spend every moment by your side, sharing an everlasting love.

You complete me in ways I never thought possible. Your presence has brought immeasurable happiness and fulfillment into my life. I wholeheartedly love you with every fiber of my being. There is no doubt in my mind that you are the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Please understand that my love for you is unconditional. Regardless of the challenges we may face, I will always be by your side, supporting and loving you with all my heart. You are the most important person in my life, and I want to bring you happiness in every way possible.

I want you to know that my love for you is incomparable. It surpasses all other emotions and takes precedence over everything else in my life. You are my world, my everything. I love you more than words can express, and I am committed to making you feel loved and adored every single day.

I want to assure you that my love for you is not fleeting or temporary. It is a love that will endure the test of time. You mean everything to me, and I want to spend the rest of my life loving and caring for you.

Please accept my sincere apologies and my declaration of love. I am truly sorry for any pain I may have caused, and I promise to continually strive to become a better person for you. You are my greatest love, and I will do everything within my power to make you feel loved, respected, and appreciated.

Once again, I apologize for any mistakes I've made, and I want you to know that my love for you knows no limits. You are my everything, and I will love you wholeheartedly, with a love that knows no bounds.

With all my love, Han Jisung.

As soon as you finished reading the letter, you cried as if there was no tomorrow. It continued until you felt arms wrapping around you. You knew it was

him, so you let him embrace you. You knew everything was going to be better now. It was just the two of you, and nothing could ever separate you.

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𓍊𓋼𓍊𓋼𓍊 Lee Felix

It had been about a week since you hadn't been eating properly, hydrating yourself, or getting much sleep. It was obvious that you had lost a couple of pounds, but that was the least of your concerns. You had lost your boyfriend, and that hurt much more than the hunger. You couldn't bear being away from him; it was really affecting you, and if someone didn't do something quickly, you could end up in a very bad state.

You were lying in your bed, staring at the ceiling when suddenly you heard the doorbell ring. But knowing how your friends were, it was probably them outside your house, pleading for you to come out and go eat. That's one of the reasons why you turned off your cellphone; you just wanted to be alone. However, they didn't seem to give up, so tiredly, you went to open the door, only to find the person you least expected.

"Oh my God, Angel, are you okay? What happened to you? Have you eaten? You don't look good at all!" Your boyfriend bombarded you with questions, clearly concerned. "What are you doing here, Felix?" you asked, surprised. "I came to apologize for how stupid I've been," he said, unable to meet your eyes. You looked terrible, and you didn't want this to be your first encounter after everything. "Let me apologize, please. Just listen to me, and if you want me to leave, it's okay, but please listen to me. I need you." You simply nodded and let him in.

“I am deeply sorry for the pain I have caused you by ignoring you. I regret my actions and the impact they have had on our relationship. 

I want to sincerely apologize for the times I neglected you and failed to respond to your messages. I understand now how hurtful and frustrating it must have been for you. Please know that it was never my intention to make you feel ignored or unimportant.

Your presence in my life is invaluable, and I deeply appreciate your love and support. I am grateful for the care and concern you have shown me, and I want you to know that my love for you is endless.

I acknowledge my mistakes and the hurt I have caused, and I’ll try to rebuild our relationship.

Please understand that my actions were not a reflection of my love for you. I have realized the importance of open communication and actively engaging in our relationship. I want to assure you that I will make every effort to be more present and attentive, and to show you the love and respect you deserve.

I understand that rebuilding trust takes time and patience, and I am willing to put in the necessary effort. I want to be the partner you can rely on and confide in, someone who values and cherishes you above all else.

Please accept my heartfelt apologies, and know that I am dedicated to becoming a better person and a better partner for you. I love you deeply, and I’ll do whatever it takes to make things right between us.

Once again, I am truly sorry for ignoring you and causing you pain. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me and give us another chance. Our love is worth fighting for, and I promise to make you feel loved, and respected every single day.”

You were surprised; you didn't expect him to say that. He was truly sorry, and he didn't want things to end between you. You felt foolish for having thought such negative things.

"Oh my God, I thought I had lost you, Felix. I was really depressed. But I know that everything is better when we're together. I forgive you, and I always will, so please never leave again." You looked into his eyes for the first time, and that's when you realized how much you loved that guy. "No way am I leaving, nor am I letting you go. Please take care of yourself, my love. I need you to be well and healthy. I love you." He hugged you as if it were the last thing he would do, and you whispered back an "I love you" to him.

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𓍊𓋼𓍊𓋼𓍊 Kim Seungmin

You didn't even want to see Seungmin, but as luck would have it, you ran into him at a café where you used to go together. It was obvious that your heart led you to that place, hoping to see him once more. You didn't want to lose him if you were honest, but your pride also prevented you from talking to him. You couldn't make a single decision.

"Blossom?" you heard someone say behind you. Your mind told you not to turn around, but your heart was stronger. "Seung?" you asked in return. "I thought I would never see you again. Can we talk?" Once again, your heart responded for you, and you simply nodded. You sat at a table, and he was the first to speak. "Just listen to me, okay? After that, I'll leave, if that's what you want, but let me apologize properly." You muttered a small yes, and then he began to speak.

"I regret allowing my fears and doubts to overshadow our relationship and cause you pain. I am truly sorry for the hurt I have caused you.

My insecurities got the best of me, and instead of opening up and communicating with you, I withdrew and left you in confusion and uncertainty. I understand now that my actions were unfair and unjustifiable.

Please know that my behavior never showed how much I care about you. In fact, it was quite the opposite. My fear of being vulnerable and the fear of rejection clouded my judgment and prevented me from expressing my true feelings for you.

I understand that my ghosting has left you feeling abandoned and hurt. I want to assure you that I am working on addressing and overcoming my insecurities. I am trying to become a better person for myself and for our relationship.

I apologize for not trusting in the love and connection we shared. You deserved better than being left in the dark, and I am truly sorry for the pain I caused you during that time.

I want to rebuild the trust we once had and make amends for my actions. I am willing to put in the effort to communicate openly, honestly, and consistently. Your feelings and needs are important to me, and I want to create a safe space where we can address any insecurities together.

Please accept my sincere apologies for ghosting you. I am working on myself and our relationship, and I hope that you can forgive me. I adore our connection, and I promise to be more present and transparent in the future.

I am truly sorry, and I want to make things right between us. Thank you for your patience and understanding." With that said, he stood up from his seat, but he couldn't even take a step when he felt your arms around him.

"You should have told me that earlier, you idiot. I thought you no longer loved me and just ignored me to end things between us. Seungmin, I will always be there for you through thick and thin. We promised to be together forever. I won't leave you alone in this. I love you, and my heart always will," you said, resting your head on his back as tears rolled down your cheeks.

"I won't let you go that easily, Blossom," he assured you, planting a kiss on your cheek.

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𓍊𓋼𓍊𓋼𓍊 Yang Jeongin

It had been about two weeks since Jeongin had gone on tour. Being honest with yourself, you knew that each passing day was pure agony, and you could no longer bear the feeling of abandonment. Did things have to end so badly? You wanted everything to go back to normal, hoping it was all just a nightmare and that you would wake up in your boyfriend's arms. But every morning, you woke up in an empty and cold bed.

One day, as you were coming out of the shower, you heard the doorbell of your apartment. It was the receptionist informing you that a package had been delivered for you. It surprised you because you hadn't ordered anything, but you said it was okay and that you would pick it up. They told you that the delivery person was already on their way up, so you just waited for the knock on the door.

You were greeted with a large teddy bear, some flowers, and a letter. You signed for them, still in awe of the surprise. Just as you were lost in your thoughts, a phone call interrupted you. Without even checking who was calling, you answered.

"Did you receive my gift?" a sweet voice asked gently.

"Yes, Jeongin, what's all this?" you replied.

"Please read the letter first, and then you can scream at me all you want," he said.

You followed his advice and started reading the letter that came with the gift:

"I'm really sorry for the pain and confusion I caused by ignoring you. I thought it would somehow make me feel less lonely, but now I see how selfish and hurtful that was. I messed up, and I'm truly sorry for the distress it caused you.

I messed up by shutting you out and not realizing how important it is to communicate openly. I didn't mean to make you feel abandoned or unimportant. I know I betrayed our relationship and the trust we had.

Please understand that my behavior didn't reflect how I truly felt about you. In fact, it was the opposite. I was just trying to deal with my own emotions in the wrong way. I now realize that true strength comes from facing our challenges together, not running away from them.

I understand the importance of actively engaging with you, listening to your concerns, and making you feel valued and loved.

I feel really bad for the pain and confusion I caused, and I promise to put in the work to regain your trust. Rebuilding trust takes time and effort, and I'm ready to invest in both. I'll be open, honest, and consistent in my communication with you. I want you to know that I hear you and understand you.

I'm truly sorry for being ignorant and avoiding you. I want you to know that I'll learn from this experience and grow as an individual and as your partner.

I understand if you need some time and space to heal from what I did, but I hope you can forgive me and give us a chance to make things right. Our love is worth fighting for, and I'm determined to be the partner you deserve."

"Don't cry, doll. Forgive me, okay? I want to do things right this time. When I come back, love me more than ever. Love me as if there's no tomorrow, just like I love you," he said.

"I've always loved you, Innie, come back safe and sound. I forgive you. You knew from the beginning that I would forgive you. Thank you for all the gifts. I love you infinitely," you said, and you could even sense Innie's beautiful smile. Everything is going to be alright from now on.

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Tags !!

@albaficaslover

@damselettism

#skz angst #skz reactions #skz imagines #skz stay #skz x reader #skz bang chan #skz changbin #skz hyunjin #skz scenarios #skz series #skz texts #stray kids #skz seungmin #skz felix #skz jeongin #skz han #skz minho #skz fluff

[prince-liest]

On Alastor calling Vox “lover”, i thought it was the complete reverse - that he said it with only malicious intent in the wire play fic (to satisfy his own itch to hurt vox), and in the latest one it’s just “i’m being sarcastic” (but i don’t feel well and i need a stepping stone at this very moment tho i’ll never admit it) but i guess i misunderstood? tho i suppose this only shows how well u write alastor’s character because he is not easy to decipher

Alastor is a character that lies a lot, both to himself about his feelings and to others, and his narration is pretty unreliable! I do try to insert, like, the hints, context, and behaviors that point to what his true feelings actually are, but a lot of it is through implication and so there's a lot of room for different interpretation in how I write him!

That said, you're not the first person to think he was being genuinely malicious and nothing but in the wireplay fic, so... death of the author and all that, but if you are interested in my take on how it was originally intended:

Alastor is so incredibly fucking fond of Vox in that scene in S6E66, Now Rerunning: The Hentai Episode! He says some absolutely heinous shit, but his tone is fond, and warm, and condescending, and it is very, very obvious to him that Vox enjoys being humiliated and at Alastor's whims. He compliments Vox's distress, he makes a little winking joke about the "rut" comment because they both know that was Alastor just the other day, and he unequivocally denies any implication that he's rejecting Vox's love.

He's a total narcissist on a power trip, and Vox being so into his little menacing routine that he drops the I think I'm in love with you is basically heroin to Alastor's ego. But he's also just been growing increasingly fond of Vox over the course of their relationship - there's a reason that the very next installment is one where Alastor is in fact really fucking upset to have been ghosted, even though a lot of the cause of that ghosting is that neither of them are open communicators that do things like properly check in a la, "Hey, we just did a really undernegotiated scene where I mocked your very sincere emotions, where are we on that?" because they've been flying by the seat of their pants and expect mutual understanding where there isn't necessarily enough of it and getting away with it. Until that point, at least.

So he says "lover" because he's making fun of Vox, yes, but he's making fun of Vox because he enjoys and is genuinely fond of Vox when he's pathetic and obsessive, and also because he knows that Vox enjoys it, too. Safe, sane, and consensual? No. But not genuinely malicious in intent, either!

He doesn't want to hurt Vox for the sadistic hell of it (to quote Alastor himself: "If I wanted to hurt you, I would have done so already!"), he wants to hurt Vox because the fact that Vox is so in love that he will let him (and ask for more) is acutely and inordinately pleasing to Alastor. A lot of his dialogue echoes that: he tells Vox to ask for it, then tells him to beg, then makes fun of him for not asking Alastor to stop.

And afterward: Well, he's not very good at actually being reassuring, but he makes a few genuine efforts at it, to the extent that his own ego will allow him to. If he didn't actually give a shit, he very much would have dumped Vox on the floor after having his fun and just left. But he cares enough to make sure Vox is at least remotely alright, and he's even fond enough to suffer through some skin-to-skin until his squick meter taps him out.

In contrast, in Network 0666: No Signal, Alastor is once again mocking Vox for claiming to love him - but he's doing it while struggling his way through a panic attack that has sent him spiraling under the assumption that Vox's alleged "love" is just possessiveness that led him to try to leash Alastor to his own power. He says "lover" and immediately follows it by describing the ways in which he thinks Vox is a traitor who is bastardizing the very word. He's not, at that moment, even using it as a weapon against Vox - why would it hurt Vox, after all, if he doesn't really love Alastor - but rather as a way of mocking himself for actually falling for the ruse. He doesn't genuinely break out of it until he reaches to touch the chain again and finds that it's been gone since Vox reached out to help him.

Anyway, I hope that helped or at least was an interesting read! Alastor is a very unreliable narrator and it makes him a great deal of fun.

#ask #personal #Anonymous #nsft #my writing #hazbin hotel #radiostatic #long post #I should have a tag for this fic series specifically klxjhcfg #is it too late to start one? #666 live on air #I'll go back and add some other posts to it later hopefully

[birdmitosis]

Since a minor theme for today's posts seems to be Voice of the Opportunist thoughts... You know, I actually quite like the guy. He's nowhere near the top of my list of fave Voices -- in fact, he'd probably be in my bottom three -- but I've grown to sincerely love all of them in their own ways.

Paranoid

Cold

Contrarian

Hunted

Hero

Cheated

Skeptic

Broken

Opportunist

Stubborn

Smitten

Like, that's probably my rough order of Voices? But I really love Stubborn and Smitten too at this point, like a lot. And Opportunist... really interests me. I don't feel as bad about him as I think a lot of people do. (Thoughts under the cut!)

I think what gets me about Opportunist is that, while he can come across very badly for sure, I think there are two main things he wants that drive all of his (very bad) ideas: He very badly wants to be liked, but that's secondary to the fact that he wants to survive. He's just geared strongly towards survival in a way that's more... social than physical. He wants to side with the people he thinks are the most powerful without actually upsetting anyone, until he gets to a point where he feels like we have enough power to be able to wield it. And as one of the Voices, he is actually very "we"-focused -- he talks about looking out for number one, yes, but you're all kind of a collective "number one" and he maybe makes that most clear in The Wraith chapter, where he never wavers from vocally trying to make the situation better for himself and Hero and Paranoid. He never threatens any of the other Voices either -- and not even, iirc, the Narrator, though he does turn his back on the Narrator when it becomes clear he's something of a paper tiger -- just the Princess, in situations where she has proven how dangerous she is, and not even always then. (Again, in The Wraith, he's not even pleased to have overpowered her if you decide to toss her into a bottomless pit.) He does want to be liked, too, that much is clear and seems to be completely sincere. He likes traveling (or at least the idea of it) because he thinks it makes him "relatable." He totally unnecessarily tries to smooth everything over with you and the other Voices in a way that doesn't always, to me, feel like him just being mealy-mouthed in a self-serving way; the example of this that stands out to me is in The Moment of Clarity, when Stubborn and Contrarian are tired of Skeptic's philosophizing and he jumps in to reassure, "They're good questions. Great questions, even. But they don't have any answers," and there's something oddly... gentle/reassuring about the delivery. The way you get him usually shows how he's geared to your (collective) survival and why he doesn't trust the Princess: In the first chapter, if you don't take the blade but then use it to kill her, that's your only chance to get him. But you get him in one of two ways: Go back upstairs for the blade after talking to her, in which case the Protagonist has probably legitimately decided that things aren't adding up and she's actually secretly more dangerous than she's letting on (and because she is "a creature of perception" she then reveals that to be true!), or trying to kill her after the Narrator possesses you, in which case there's that clear "hierarchy" of "the Narrator is too powerful if he can just choose to control us" (and also makes his trying to appease the Narrator in the later chapters make sense). And he is like the Witch, and honestly, in some ways I think it's understandable that he's resistant to changing even when she does. She is the one who changes based on our perception, and if I'm at all right that the Voices are the pieces that break off of us because we can't change like that but they represent her perception of us, well. The Protagonist and the Witch can choose to change and break the cycle in a way the Opportunist has a harder time with. But he is much like her: "This dangerous person killed me last time, we need to maneuver this situation in a way where we can kill her without her killing us again." And a big problem with him is that he is 100% wired into that survival instinct even when it's not necessary! He wants to betray the Thorn even after she hands us the blade back! But he also just came from a chapter in which we handed her the blade trustingly and she immediately stabbed us, which doesn't excuse it but does I think explain why when he talks about slaying her right then and there he says something along the lines of "we have power right now and we may never get this chance again" -- he's still expecting this to go very badly for us.

The other ways you get him in the various Chapter IIIs also back this up, I think: In The Razor, you try to "appeal to her better nature" after she's already killed you twice (and maybe a lot more!), which is again just him trying to survive long enough to turn the tables on a threat. To get him in The Wild, the Beast first has to eat you alive, but then you stab her to death instead of letting her escape or just killing yourself, taking advantage of being close to vulnerable organs to take her down with you. (And I will say, while I adore Contrarian, I find him much more obnoxious to have in The Wild chapter.) To get him in The Wraith, you have to take the blade in The Nightmare chapter but agree to free her, then slay her either at the door when the Narrator locks it on you (again, the Narrator showing he's more powerful than he should be) or after Paranoid straight-up says "if I absolutely had to choose I slightly prefer that we kill her" -- and then, oddly, he does spend the entire Wraith chapter trying to soothe her and get her to forgive and hire/protect not just himself but the Protagonist, Hero, and Paranoid (and is actually like "this was a bad decision, there's going to be no way to smooth this over" if you do choose to toss yourself into the void with her). And in The Moment of Clarity, he is oddly gentle with the other Voices for the most part and also advises just letting her out because it'll all be okay for them if they do. All of this is just to say that, like... Yeah, he can be mealy-mouthed and backstabbing and obnoxious. But I also don't think he's a backstabber for fun. He wants to be either at the top when it comes to "who's the most powerful," or at the right hand of whoever is at the top, but at the same time I think that stems from him just wanting to feel safe -- and what's safer than no one else having power over you? Especially when that power's been used to steal your autonomy or kill you so, so many times? In some ways he's low-key like Hunted and Paranoid: "What will keep us alive?" and "I don't trust anyone but us (unless I feel like I have to)" are kind of an undercurrent to everything he says and does. ...That also means that if he got his own body I think he'd be in an interesting position. He might have some issues at first with being more "look out for number one now means me and not us," or at least having some instinctive feelings in that direction -- but at the same time he might feel more at ease having complete control over his own body, since the Protagonist losing that control seemed to low-key freak him out more than once in the Construct and his smooth-talking might have had a lot to do with how he felt his words were the only power he had since he wasn't in control of the body. So there's a chance he'd struggle with staying quite as group-oriented at first, but there's also a chance that he might be able to relax at least a bit.

#slay the princess #slay the princess spoilers #voice of the opportunist #headcanons #this counts as that right? #i do really like this guy #there's a reason i think he'd work especially well with hunted #and i'm kind of sad for him that he seems to really want to be liked but none of the other voices seem to like him particularly much

[introverting-rn]

was gonna start post with something along the lines of “why aren’t we addressing” but thats literal bullshit because we are all addressing it and So Am I

WHY IS THE CHARACTERISATION OF THE TRIO LITERALLY SO PERFECT YOU GUYS

like

it was perfect in the first two episodes too but this one just has me feeling so much i have to talk about it

“i am impertinent” and beginning to sing the consensus song - immediately a perfect persassy, and the returning annabeths cap is so cute i adore it, but also the conversation with medusa about his mother was incredibly done! i was leaning forwards to drink in every detail of the scene and i’m probably gonna go rewatch it now because WOW. the suspense was such a tangible, beautiful thing, and the sense of greed that seemed to sparkle in medusas eyes when we had still never seen her without the hat is seriously blowing my mind. her framing and tilts of the head and the antique feeling of her kitchen all hone in towards the scene and it’s messages and i found myself genuinely confronted as i tried to figure out which medusa story the show was going with. leaving that somewhat vague as the audience has to choose if we trust her as a narrator is so powerful in dragging you into the story. it means that what you believe reflects on you; there is no way to detach yourself from this world and the choices you are making within it, even as a mere spectator

and as she made the offer to percy and there was a long stretch of those camera angles, tilted ever so sweetly in such a menacing atmosphere, i was desperately trying to picture what percy’s reaction would be. i had expected him to have interrupted her already, to immediately cut through with a sharp “no” and cause her head to jolt up. i thought she would keep her chin high, turning sharply to face him in contrast to her flowing elegance, and that her head would be tilted back so that she could stare directly at him beneath the hat, tongue flicking over her teeth as she dropped her facade. i thought percy would instinctively go to match her eye contact with determination and be tackled by annabeth, who crept up to eavesdrop due to her suspicion, or that percy would look away by staring up at the sky, feeling isolated as medusa swept steadily towards him, and that we would see his eyes swim with tears and his legs refuse to move and his breathing increase as medusa ran a fingernail along his neck, and then annabeth would intervene

when percy didn’t shout to interrupt, i expected to cut back and see his face, wrought with raw emotion. i thought that he would let that moment of connection stretch, having felt so lonely before meeting this person who spoke exactly to his heart. i waited to see the grief and wrestling that it took him to refuse to help his mother, to accept the similar motherly figure before him as an enemy. i wondered if maybe we wouldn’t see his reaction now, and his silence would later be used against him as he himself is accused of betraying their quest

but the silence drew out for longer and longer, and when medusa turned her head to see the doorway completely empty, i realised that was the only thing that he would have done. i realised that he would think of the immediate danger to his friends first and go to warn them, and i realised that there was more to come and i loved every second of it

i loved seeing grover try to maintain peace on the quest. his look of disappointment at percy for sniping about thalia’s “fate of a pine cone”, and his refusal to comment about the validity of the voting system under totalitarian leadership (looking at you putin). the clapping for the consensus song had me so confused in the moment and then had me smiling uncontrollably with an extreme fondness because his awkwardness and his sincerity were so clearly shown. the finally shouting at percy and annabeth to get a grip, not having wanted to upset either of them but realising that letting this continue was only making it worse - man, this character is so wonderful. add to that the emotional weight of staring up at uncle ferdinand, feeling the presence of his failed quest heavy in the room as their current one began to fall apart. how he tried to conceal his tears, to be the Protector, not seeming to consider that his friends wanted to look after him too, perhaps because they themselves had forgotten to do so. he is so sweet and genuine and there’s such a depth and intricacy to his character in the show that i don’t remember from the books, although that may just be because i was younger when i first read them, or because seeing these people on screen is so much closer and more confronting in some ways

and annabeth. i fucking love annabeth. i love that she’s a bit of a dick in some ways, but that you’re never expected to hold it against her - it’s never presented as cruelty, just as pragmatism, because that’s what it is. as the same time, she can hold grudges, and they don’t shy from that. as i mentioned earlier, it’s constantly called into question which medusa narrative is the ‘correct’ one, and the way medusa describes to both annabeth and percy how they are direct parallels to the original story makes her feel so manipulative, and you feel annabeths faith in her previous notion of the story wavering as yours does, deeply connecting her with the audience. the way she explains her plan on the bus shows that she doesn’t expect herself to be so intelligent that nobody else understands - a common struggle in hubris - and her complete unwillingness to allow this plan to be questioned shows the leading nature she’s forced herself into. yes, annabeth is an incredible natural leader and strategist, but her refusal to show weakness is a sign of the struggles in her life. she confronts alectus on her own - self-centred or selfless? and in that final interaction with percy, the way she gives way just enough for both of them to discuss the offers they were given and understand each other. it was such a good moment to see that, even after percy’s unintentional acidity to her in saying they’ll never be friends, the two are laying down the basis for a firm trust and absolute belief in each other. she is such a well-rounded character so far and i am obsessed

not even to mention characters outside of this! luke’s slight hints of emotion as he alludes to his past, the hand the world has dealt him and how he has come to terms with it, are such perfect foreshadowing for those of us familiar with his character (which. by the way. i haven’t been on tumblr a lot recently so are we going for no spoilers or what lol). mr d claiming to be percy’s dad was a strong introduction of character in a way that makes me question why that didn’t happen in the book, and it lead into seamless exposition of the whole reason for demigods and quests. sally jackson is sally jackson and i fucking love her.

basically i am really enjoying the pj show, and loving every element - the biggest kudos to everyone working on it an aLSO ARE PERCY AND NICO GONNA NERD OUT TOGETHER ABOUT MYTHOMAGIC BYE 😭😭

#how in the heck is this show so perfect you guys #and how is it making me ship percabeth more than before?? and love grover’s friendship more than before?? yo this is pure Art #and they aren’t afraid to change things from the books to make the message better and that’s so refreshing #percy jackon and the olympians #percy jackson #annabeth chase #grover underwood #luke castellan #persassy #percabeth #cmon you know i gotta tag that #anyways love you guys!! make sure to sleep a good amount and eat well!! God bless!!!!!!!

[ruinie]

Do I Wanna Know?

Chapter One: I'm Asking You

Pairing: Shinichiro Sano x Fem!Akashi!Reader

Summary: You’ve been crushing on your brother’s best friend since the day you met him. Years later, you still find yourself unable to confess your feelings out of fear of rejection as well as not wanting to upset your brother. In hopes of freeing yourself from this decade-long crush, as well as gauging his interest without having to reveal the extent of your feelings, you decide to ask a favor of him before you go off to college.

Word Count: 14.4k

Content Warnings: friends with benefits dynamic, brother's best friend trope, brief mentions of alcohol, sexual content, teaching, light dry humping, this chapter is actually pretty mild but this series will contain explicit smut, 18+ minors do not interact!

⊱ ─────── 《∘◦♡◦∘》 ──────── ⊰

Some things in life are supposedly fated. 

When you were younger, your grandmother would often tell you bedtime stories to lull you to sleep at night. The stories she told weren’t ones that she read from children’s books, rather she preferred to make up her own stories to narrate to you. Her favorite to tell was the one about Big Fates and Little Fates. 

The two fates are siblings, she had explained. Big Fates was the older brother, a major event that is set in stone from the moment someone is born, and Little Fates was his younger sister, following after him. Little Fates loved her older brother, and she exists to push people in the right direction and guide them to her big brother to help him. Big Fates can’t exist without Little Fates, and Little Fates will become lost without her brother. The two siblings rely on each other in order to exist, and they grow stronger together. 

You never really understood the meaning of that story, but your grandma assured you that one day, perhaps when you were a little older, it would reveal itself to you. At the time, you tended to shrug off things you didn’t understand and accept what you were told as fact. Like many caught up in the path of the siblings of fate, you were completely unaware of the day that Little Fates took your hand.

You were sitting at the coffee table in your grandmother’s living room, doodling on a piece of paper with the doll your father bought you at your side when your brother raced past you and into the kitchen with your grandma. You couldn’t hear what they were saying, but when he exited the kitchen, he clearly told your grandmother that he was leaving.

“Where are you going?” You asked, setting your crayons down, your brother now having your full attention. 

He stopped at your voice, shooting a narrowed glance in your direction, shortly replying, “To the park.” 

You gasped excitedly at his declaration, beginning to push yourself from the wooden floor. He grimaced, already anticipating the question that was about to leave your mouth, “Can I g—”

“No,” He stated bluntly, cutting off your request before you could fully get it out. This was a recurring back-and-forth between the two of you.

“You didn’t let me fin—” 

“You can’t come with me.”

Your mouth gaped at his words, taking a step back before a childlike pout took over your features, “Why not?”

“Because.” He shot back, turning away from you dismissively, but you weren’t about to let him get away quite yet. Not without giving you a proper answer, at least. 

You followed after him as he made his way towards the front door, continuing your line of questioning, “Because why?”

“Because,” He addressed pointedly, halting again and taking a deep breath before facing you, “I’m going to hang out with a friend, and I don’t want you to bother us.”

“I won’t bother you, I swear!” You promised, leaning forward on your toes, hoping to present yourself as sincere. You meant it! If he just let you tag along, you wouldn't bug him or his friend. You’d occupy yourself while they ran around, and you wouldn’t even look at them if that’s what he wanted.

“I already told you, no. Now stop asking.” He moved to turn away from you again, but you shot ahead of him, blocking his path and causing him to curse under his breath. 

 “Please, Take-nii!” You pleaded, giving him the best pair of puppy dog eyes you could muster, “I don’t wanna stay behind at grandma’s all the time. I wanna go to the park sometimes, too!”

“[Name]—”

You clasped your hands under your chin as you kneeled in front of your older brother, who scowled down at you. “I’ll leave the two of you alone, I promise! Please? Pretty please, Take-nii? You won’t even know that I’m there!” 

“C’mon, [Name], stop begging like a spoiled brat. Today’s not a good day. Maybe next time, ok?” He offered, clicking his tongue when he saw your expression deflate. “I’ll bring you next week. That sound good? Now get off the floor.” 

He extended his hand to you and you took it with a pout, allowing him to pull you to your feet. Takeomi always said stuff like “Maybe next time” and “I’ll do it next week” but it never happened. Deep down in your young heart, you knew he was just saying those things to pacify you, but that naive part of you still hoped that next week would come and he’d fulfill his promise. So, like always, you planned to nod and agree.

“Takeomi, you’re still here?” Your grandmother questioned from the doorway to the kitchen, “That’s good, I need you to watch your sister for a little while. I’ve got to go grocery shopping or else you youngsters might be without dinner tonight. Can you do that for me?” 

For a split second, Takeomi’s brows pinched together, but his expression relaxed before he responded, “I promised my friend that I would be at the park for noon. I can’t be late. Can’t she go shopping with you?”

“I know Omi, I wasn’t saying you couldn’t go to the park. Why don’t you take [Name] with you? That would probably be more fun for her than shopping with me.” Your face lit up at your grandmother’s words, and she sent you a kind smile and a knowing wink. 

His lips tightened into a forced smile, offering your grandmother a weak nod, “You’re right, grandma. I’ll keep an eye on her.” 

Your eyes were practically sparkling, and you felt a lightness overtake you at his acceptance, oblivious to the seemingly forced nature of it all. No, it didn’t matter at all as long as your older brother was going to let you accompany him to the park. You should change into something easier to move in!

“’m gonna go get dressed to go play. Thank you, grandma!” You hugged the woman’s leg, causing her to stumble back a bit, but she chuckled lightly as she watched you run off. She still had a lot of energy for her age; she was still young for a grandmother after all, but how she was envious of yours at times. She turned back to your brother once you were down the hall.

“Thank you, Takeomi. Such a good older brother.” Your grandmother mused as she reached out to place her hand on his head, “I know sometimes you wanna go off on your own, but you should make time for her as well. Look how excited she is. As the oldest, it’s your responsibility to watch over and guide your younger sister.”

Takeomi did not say anything back for a few seconds, opting to look past his grandma instead. He swallowed, offering another tight smile and tense nod, responding with a low, “Yes, ma’am. I understand.”

You sound of your feet thudding against the floor could be heard as you came bounding out of your room. Out of that cute floral dress your grandmother had dressed you in this morning and into some shorts and a t-shirt, ready to fight the summer heat and the rock wall at the playground. 

“Be careful now, you two.” Your grandma addressed the two of you as she grabbed her purse and keys, sending a final smile both of your ways before walking out the front door.

Both you and your brother watched as the door closed, neither of you moving or saying anything to the other. You were the one who broke the stalemate, turning to your brother with a wide, innocent smile, which was met with a click of the tongue. 

“Damn it…” He mumbled, pinching the bridge of his nose before letting out a defeated sigh, “Well, get your shoes on, hurry up.” 

The two of you began making your way toward the park, Takeomi holding your hand and escorting you through the one crosswalk on the way so you wouldn’t get left behind. The park wasn’t particularly far from where you lived, but he didn’t want to lose track of you. 

“I’ll introduce you to Shin when we get there, but after that, you go play and leave us alone. Understand?” He questioned, looking down at you to read your expression. 

You nodded eagerly, beaming up at him, “Mhm, okay, I promise!” 

“Why’re you grinning like that? You look weird.” He teased, chuckling despite himself. If it was his responsibility as an older brother to look after you, it was also his responsibility to poke at you from time to time as well. 

“Because,” you started excitedly, smile not faltering despite his remark, “Take-nii is letting me come with him today. It makes me happy!” 

His eyes widened at your admission, looking away from you so that you wouldn’t see how his expression softened a bit. He guessed that your grandma was right. This did mean more to you than he initially thought. Sure, he found you annoying at times, but it was just because you were a year younger. You wanted to follow your older brother because you admired him. He understood that, at least.

“Yeah, well, I guess it’s not so bad every now and then.” 

You tilt your head at his words, lips parted slightly before breaking out into a grin once again, humming in agreement as your arms swing at your sides. When you were slightly younger, Takeomi would play with you, but once he started elementary school, he started telling you to go play with other girls whenever you tried to join him. At home, there were still times when he would play with you, especially when boredom hit the two of you at the same time, but he often preferred to go out and play with his own friends now and leave you behind, so this was a huge victory for you!

Before you knew it, you could see the outline of the little wooden tower and the top of the jungle gym in the distance, and from there it didn’t take more than a minute for the two of you to arrive at your destination. 

“Oh, he’s here already,” Takeomi mumbled, causing you to look over in the direction he was looking. You could see a boy about your brother’s age, maybe a little older, drinking at one of the water fountains. Your brother raised his hand over his head, waving towards his friend and calling out to him, “Oi, Shin, over here!” 

Takeomi’s shout made you jump a little bit, eyes widening as the boy turned to look in your direction. You shrunk behind your brother. While you’d been excited to accompany him, you suddenly felt anxious at the idea of meeting a new person today. Your brother never let you play with his friends, so you were a little nervous to finally meet one. You visibly stiffened behind Takeomi when he began jogging over to the two of you. 

“Takeomi, I just got here. Glad I didn’t have to wait long!” The older boy grinned, stopping in front of your brother, the two sharing a high five. His eyes shifted in your direction, pausing when he saw your figure shuffling behind his friend. His brow raised slightly as his grin softened to an inquisitive smile, “Huh? Who’s this?” 

You blinked at the boy, looking up at your brother, unsure of what to do in his presence. Takeomi sighed, “This is my younger sister. My grandma needed to go shopping, so she tagged along today.” At that, your brother nudged you in front of him, urging you to introduce yourself. 

You sent a final glance towards your brother before turning to face his friend. Nervously, your gaze hit his feet, mumbling your name too quietly for either boy to hear. His friend chuckled lightly as Takeomi nudged you again with his foot, causing you to look back up at the boy and meet his dark eyes for a split second. You swallowed, trying to stand a bit taller as you willed your voice to be a little louder, “…I’m [Name] Akashi.”

“So you’re Takeomi’s little sister? Nice to meet you, I’m Shinichrio Sano!” The older boy grinned, holding out his hand towards you for you to shake. Once again unsure of what to do, you looked to your brother, who nodded his head towards Shin’s hand. You hesitantly grabbed hold of it with your own, nodding at the boy in acknowledgment as his hand softly enveloped yours in a gentle shake. His hand was warm, and a lot bigger than your own, you couldn’t help but note before he let go.

You remembered your brother’s words after leaving your grandmother’s house. You promised to leave him alone after meeting Shinichiro. You slowly turned away from the boy and back towards Takeomi who raised his brow at your expression. He never understood how you could go from bouncing around to acting so bashful so quickly.

“I’m gonna go play on the slides…” You informed your brother, running off before receiving a response from him. 

“Stay where I can see you, alright?” Takeomi called after you, sighing when you didn’t even bother to shout back a reply, “…little brat.”

Shinichiro chuckled, shaking his head a bit, “She’s shy, huh? How cute.” 

“She’s a little terror.” Your brother shot back, rolling his eyes before lightly slapping Shin’s shoulder, “Anyway, c’mon, let’s go play on the jungle gym.”

You ignored the presence of the two older boys as you continuously climbed up the slides and slid down, rotating between the two different ones that the small playground offered. One was a straight shot down, while the other one spiraled. You preferred the swirly one, personally. Still, it got repetitive after a while. 

After growing bored of the slides, you eventually found yourself in the sandbox instead. You gathered as much sand in front of you as you could, creating a pretty sizeable pile, and patting it at different angles in an attempt to give it the shape you wanted. You wondered if it would be easier to shape if you had some water, debating if you should run to the water fountain to collect some. 

“Holy crap, that was awesome!” 

You jumped, head shooting up in the direction of your brother’s voice. The two boys were playing on the merry-go-round, and it was apparent to you by the speed that it was rotating and the fact that your brother was dusting away at the dirt on his clothes that they managed to make it go so fast that they were both flung off. They were both laughing… it looked fun. 

You wished you could play with them, but you promised your older brother that you would leave him and his friend alone. Even if it was only because your grandma had to go grocery shopping, you didn’t want to upset your brother. If you were good, he might let you hang out with him more often. That’s what you hoped, at least, as you stared in their direction. 

Shinichiro looked behind him as though he could feel a pair of eyes watching them, and as he thought, he caught your gaze. Your eyes widened as they met his, snapping your attention back down at your little pile of sand. To distract yourself from your nerves, you began to carve at the pile with your fingers, attempting to give it a brick-like appearance. A shadow fell over you as you worked in the finishing touches. 

“What are you doing?” You looked up to see your brother’s friend staring down at you with a friendly smile, one hand behind his back.

You blinked, eyes falling back towards the sculpted pile of sand in front of you and then to the side. Your reply comes out low, but loud enough for him to hear, “…Building a sandcastle.” 

“Yeah?” He squats down across from you, studying your work before sending you a grin, “Looks good! You really worked hard on this, huh? Hmm, but I think it’s missing one thing.” 

“Huh?” You tilt your head curiously at his words and the boy nods earnestly, though there was a playful air about him. 

He withdrew the hand that was hiding his back to reveal a large, fully intact leaf with a long stem. Carefully, he placed stuck the stem of the leaf into the sand at the top of your castle, and once it was safely in place, he proudly smiled at you, “Ta-da! A flag, see?” 

Your reaction was a bit delayed, lips parted and slowly blinking at his display before a mousy, yet delighted smile crept its way onto your face, a light laugh leaving you. Shinichiro seemed pleased with your reaction, relieved that he was able to get a smile out of you, as nervous as it was. You were Takeomi’s sister, after all, so he wanted you to feel comfortable around him. 

“So, now that your castle’s all finished, whaddya wanna do? Anything you wanted to play on?” He asked, noting how you looked a bit surprised before your face scrunched up in thought. 

Your eyes still fell to the ground, fidgeting a bit with your fingers as you bit the side of your cheek. It was strange to you how your mind went blank, how your chest fluttered with excitement at the simple question. Usually, you just followed after whatever your brother wanted to do on the few, rare occasions he let you go with him somewhere. You were just fine with that arrangement; you always have been. Even so, you bubbled at the idea of choosing what to do next. You swallowed as you willed yourself to meet his eyes and hesitantly replied, “The swings… maybe.” 

“Yeah, the swings are fun, right?” The boy’s kind smile never seemed to leave his face, nodding at your reply, “Good choice.”

Your brother’s voice rang out again, and looking past Shinichiro, you could see him jogging up to his friend, stopping to catch his breath for a second, “Is something the matter?”

“Nope. Just chatting with [Name]-chan.” Shinichiro shook his head, standing up from his crouched position. He turned to face your brother, suggesting, “Takeomi, let’s go swing for a bit” 

“Huh? Okay.” Takeomi agreed without any pushback, “Let’s go!”

You watched as your brother took off in the direction of the swings, stiffening up when Shinichiro held out his hand to you. Again, he offered you a smile as he chimed, “You come too.” 

You looked from his hand to his face, tentatively letting him take hold of your smaller hand, helping you to your feet. He released your hand once you were up, and you carefully hopped over your castle as you follow after him and your brother to the swings. Shin took the swing to the right of Takeomi, leaving either the swing to your brother’s left or the one next to him. You plopped down on the one next to your brother, kicking back off the ground and letting the swing take you forward. 

The wind was refreshing against your face as you kicked your feet back and forth, listening to the conversation tossed between your brother and his friend. They were both trying to see who could go higher. They both had you beat pretty easily; both were older than you after all. Still, you tried your best to silently compete with them. 

“What’s with that face?” Your brother called out to you suddenly, noticing your mixed expression as you watched them. It was amusing how your brows pinched in concentration, yet you were still seemingly cheerful. 

“I wish I could swing as high as you, Take-nii!” You answered with a childish giggle, causing a sense of pride to swell in your brother’s chest. You dug your feet into the ground, thinking maybe if you kicked off stronger, you just might be able to go higher. 

“Do you want someone to push you?” Shin offered, leaning forward on the swing to look over at you. Your face lit up and nodded without thinking, wanting to reach the same heights as them.. 

Shinichiro waited until the right moment before jumping from his swing, landing on his feet just before where the boxed-in woodchips ended.

“Whoa!” Both you and Takeomi gasped out at the same time, mouths wide at how far he’d managed to leap. Shinichiro turned towards the two of you with a spirited laugh, making his way back over to you. 

“Alright, [Name]-chan, I’ll push you.” Shin stated as he moved behind you. You jolted when he grabbed the bottom of the chain to your swing, looking up at him, “Hold on to the chain tightly, ok?” 

You nodded, relaxing as he pulled you back before sending you forward with a light push. His hands would gently meet your lower back with each swing back until eventually, you were reaching the same height as your brother next to you. Quiet giggles bubbled out of you, and after a few moments, Shinichiro stepped to the side. 

“Keep moving your legs back and forth with the same force, and you’ll be able to keep this momentum going.” Shin coached, and you quickly nodded, listening to his instruction. 

A minute passed and you were able to keep the same height without Shinichiro pushing you. It was your turn to feel a sense of pride wash over you as even Takeomi praised, “Way to go, [Name].” 

After commending you, your brother hopped off of his swing, achieving a steady landing a few feet away. You let out a little gasp, grinning at the display. 

When it came to your older brother, you were always impressionable. If he did something, you wanted to do it too. That’s just how it was. Without much thought to it, on your next swing forward, you let go of the chains, springing off the swing and into the air. 

“Whoa, [Name]-chan—” Shin attempted to call out to you before you left your swing but was too late. You were swinging way too high for you to just jump like that!

Your stomach cut a tiny flip when you first kicked off, but the feeling was quickly replaced by excitement. If you’d thought the air felt nice while you were swinging, something about flying through it was even better, even if it was only for a brief few seconds. You braced yourself for the impact of the landing as you got closer to the ground, a small amount of pain shooting up your ankle once you touched down. You stumbled forward slightly, but managed to stick the landing, only half a foot behind your brother. 

Takeomi turned to look at you, blinking before the corners of his lips twitched up, “Heh, not bad, [Na—”

“Holy crap!” You exclaimed, bouncing up on the tips of your toes in excitement. You beamed up toward your brother, accidentally interrupting the praise you’d been secretly hoping for. That was awesome! You weren’t sure if you’d actually be able to do it, but you did! How cool was that?!

“Hey, don’t say that!” Takeomi was quick to scold you, eyes widening at your exclamation. 

“Huh?” You turn to him, quickly trading out your smile for a small pout, “But you say it all the time.”

“It’s different if I say it! Dad and Grandma’ll be on my butt if they hear you cursing.” He explained rather matter-of-factly, crossing his arms. 

You tilted your head at his words but shrugged it off. You didn’t get it, but if Takeomi said it was bad, then it was bad. You nodded at your brother, bowing your head slightly, “Okay, I’m sorry, Take-nii.”

“It’s whatever, just don’t say it again.” He sighed, his hand finding the top of your head in order to ruffle your hair up. You puffed your cheeks out in protest, bringing your hands up to swat his away, but before you could say anything, Shinichiro was next to your brother, laughing at your sibling antics. 

“That was impressive, [Name]-chan. Had me worried for a second there, though.” He laughed, and your chest puffed out with pride once again, forgetting all about your brother’s scolding. 

“I’m gonna go to the water fountain, I’m getting thirsty,” Takeomi mentioned, motioning over to the fountains. 

Shinichiro nodded, “Me too, I’ll go with you.” He sent a small wave your way as the two of them began walking in that direction. 

You weren’t really thirsty, and a small bout of guilt began poking at you for playing with your brother’s friend after promising not to. Even though Takeomi seemed alright with it since it was Shinichiro’s suggestion, it still felt like you were breaking your promise. You nodded to yourself, you’ll leave them alone now. Still, it was fun playing with Shinichiro. He was really nice... 

You look around, scanning the playground for something that you could play on by yourself. The multicolored tri-level bars caught your attention. Climbing was something you enjoyed a lot, but you were weary of the jungle gym after hurting your wrist sometime last year in a fall. 

The memory of Takeomi trying his best to comfort you and get you to stop crying was still fresh in your mind. Despite the pain, that day became a fond memory for you, though you kept that a little secret just for yourself to know. He’d been so worried about you. As you made your way over to the bars, you decided maybe practicing more would prevent slip-ups like what occurred that day. Even if you had enjoyed your brother’s attention, you didn’t want to worry him like that again. 

The first bar came up to your forehead. You studied the bars, trying to strategize how you would get from the small one to the tallest. It would be difficult to try to pull yourself up with your arms since you lacked the upper body strength required to do so. If you hooked you legs over the smallest one, you may be able to climb up the bars like a sloth. 

You jumped on the smallest bar, and just like you thought, it was easier to rely on your legs to keep you up. You climbed from the first bar to the next, slowly making your way to the tallest one. It was a bit harder to pull yourself over the second, almost losing your grip in the transition from the first to the second, but you repeated your actions until you were hanging from your knees at the tallest bar. You allowed yourself to look at the world upside down for a while as a reward to yourself for your success.

Now that you’ve accomplished yet another amazing feat, you wondered what you should take on next. The monkey bars maybe? Sometimes, if you swung hard enough, you could skip a bar. Or maybe the tower next to the bumblebee spring rider. No, it was obvious what you should play on next. The rock climb wall, of course! Then, maybe you’d be ready to try the jungle gym again…

So caught up in your thoughts, you didn’t hear the crunch of the woodchips behind you, unaware of anyone’s presence until Shinichiro popped out right in front of you. Being upside down put you at eye level with the dark-haired boy. His face was only a few inches from yours. He opened his mouth to greet you, but before he could even get the words out, he was cut off by a startled yelp. 

You instinctively pulled back, trying to distance yourself from the sudden and unexpected closeness, but it only caused you to swing back forward on the bar, bashing your forehead into his. The collision made Shinichiro stumble back, one hand coming up to cover the bump and the other moving to lessen his fall as he landed on the ground. You mirrored his movement, both hands rising to your forehead on reflex. This, paired with the force of the contact resulted in you losing your hold on the bar and plunging to the ground. 

Luckily, you managed to twist yourself in the air, avoiding falling on your head. Your arms instinctively thrust out in front of you to break your fall as you fell on your stomach. A weak groan left you as you pushed yourself up into a sitting position. Tears began to sting your eyes as they welled up from the initial blow, but you held them back. You wouldn’t cry and make your brother worry! Especially not in front of his friend! You didn’t want to trouble either of them… but it hurt… 

“Are you okay?” Shinichiro winced slightly as he stood up, quickly making his way over to you. Before you could answer, he was crouched down in front of you. He reached out to brush your hair out of your face and out of the way, inspecting your forhead closely. A worried frown appeared on his face, “A knot’s forming…” 

You swallowed against the lump forming in your throat. You tried to focus on something else, your eyes scanning his face before stopping on his own forehead. Though his bangs covered most of the area, you could see a similar lump forming on the top right of his forehead. You pointed at the bump, remarking, “You’ve got one, too.”

Shin blinked, hand moving from your head to his own, gently feeling the area before breaking out into a grin. He let out a light laugh, causing you to look up at him curiously. What was so funny?

“We match then!” His eyes met your once again, Shinichiro holding out his hand to you.

The knot didn’t hurt at all anymore. 

Your lips parted as you looked up at the older boy. Suddenly, the brightest smile broke out on your face as you took his hand, “Yeah…!”

Shinichiro helped you up as your brother’s voice could be heard calling out to you, asking if you were both okay. 

That day was surely the beginning of the end for you.

—–

It seemed so long ago now. 

Beep-beep. Beep.

The notification tone shook you out of your thoughts, causing you to look over to the phone at the edge of your bed. You huffed out a quiet laugh at yourself. 

You weren’t sure why you were thinking about that all of the sudden. Maybe the fact that your first semester of college was fast approaching was starting to mess with you more than you thought it would. Now here you were, sitting in bed as you listened to music on your MP3 player and yearning for the good ol’ days when your biggest concern was annoying your brother into letting you tag along with him someplace. 

Or maybe you were fondly reminiscing the day any chance of you having a normal romantic life died. 

You grabbed your phone, taking it off the charger and flipping it open to check your notifications, seeing you had a new message. It was from your friend, Natsumi. You’d become good friends with her in high school. While you took a gap year before applying to colleges, she started immediately and got accepted in a good university about an hour away. You clicked on her message, opening it up. 

Natsumi: there’s gonna be a party at my dormmate’s boyfriend’s place. said I could bring a friend :)

Natsumi: i know takeomi probs won’t bring you, but i can split the cost of a cab with you, and you can crash at my dorm room!

Natusmi: since you’re starting college soon, you should use this as a chance to get some experience ;)

You let a small puff of air escape your nose in a laugh. The first and last time you went to a party with Natsumi was a year ago, and it ended with her disappearing with her boyfriend and you getting into an argument with a touchy guy. The night ended in disaster. You eneded up calling Wakasa to come pick you up, and you had to bribe him with some alcohol you stole not to tell your brother that you’d snuck out that night. You weren’t fond of parties at all, especially ones where you only knew one person there. Not to mention reading the word “experience” made you physically cringe. 

[Name]: no thanks, i’m not really feeling it tonight.

Natsumi: boo you never feel it :(

Natsumi: don’t tell me you’re still hung up on your brother’s friend :,)

[Name]: i’m not hung up on anything >:c 

Natsumi: of course not. but don’t blame me if you’re lacking experience a couple of months from now :p

[Name]: yeah, yeah whatever you say, natsu. Be careful tonight

With that, you snapped your phone closed, tossing it back where you found it. Was it really that strange for someone your age to have never dated anyone before? Your friends poked fun at you occasionally, but you never thought much of it. If you were gonna do anything with anybody, it wasn’t gonna be some random guy at a party. There was nothing wrong with it, it just wasn’t for you. 

Besides, you weren’t gonna live the dorm life anyway. You were more of a homebody and chose a college that was closer to where you lived, so whenever you had classes, you could take the metro there and head right back home whenever they were done. No need to go to parties. It had nothing to do with your brother’s friend…

You sighed, of course, it did, and you knew it. Didn’t mean you had to admit it to anyone else, though. 

Shinichiro Sano. You’ve had a crush on your brother’s best friend for as long as you could remember now, since before you even knew what a crush was, you think. There were times when he would even jokingly ask if you were falling for him when he helped you out with something, not even aware of just how right he was. Just how many times have the words “sorry, I like someone else” left your lips, knowing that you lacked the courage to confess like the person you were rejecting? Even now, you were hiding in your room while he and your brother were visiting in the living room. It was infuriating. You could just scream into your pillow when you thought about it. 

You’d come a long way from that shy girl on the playground, but knowing that Shinichiro would probably never see you as more than your brother’s sister was discouraging, to say the least. As was hearing his multiple failed confession stories throughout the years. You hated sitting there while Wakasa and Takeomi picked on him, meanwhile all you could do was wonder what you had to do to be on the receiving end of one of those confessions… and then eventually coming to the conclusion that you never would be. It didn’t matter if you tried dressing more like the tenth girl or acting more like the twentieth when all you were was Takeomi’s little sister.

Many times, you’d considered confessing your feelings, if just to rip the bandaid off, so to say. If you confessed to Shinichiro, you would know if your suspicions of just being Takeomi’s sister were correct, and if he rejected you, you could cry it out and be able to move forward. But… rejection terrified you. That’s what held you back for so long. 

Lately, a certain idea has been swirling around in your head, and Natsumi’s comment only reminded you of it. At first, you dismissed it entirely; a product of allowing your mind to wander a little too far, you figured. But maybe… maybe it really was your best bet. A way to gauge his interest without having to put all your cards on the table. You could offer him at least a part of yourself; it was a chance to present your own interest casually, so that you can easily back out if he doesn’t feel the same way, without ruining what friendship you did have. But it was so not like you to talk about something like that… but then again, you weren’t a kid anymore. You couldn’t just do nothing forever. 

You groaned. Thinking about it just made your head and your feelings hurt. 

That’s it! You were gonna do it. Next time you were presented the chance, you’d ask him! And if he showed no interest, you’d put this childhood crush to rest. That’s what you’ve decided. Now it was just to summon the courage to actually do it. 

You took your earbuds out, pausing your music before wrapping the cord around the player and placing it on your nightstand. Smoothing down your hair and clothes, you decided to make your presence in the house known, quietly emerging from your room. Seeing him sitting on the couch, back facing you as you reached the end of the hall made it feel like the air was fizzling out of your chest.

Shinichiro and your brother were sitting on the L-shaped couch in the living room, your brother sitting at the end of the smaller portion while Shin was sitting across from the coffee table and television. As if he sensed your presence, Shin turned his head to the side, tilting it back slightly to greet you as he showed you the same kind smile as when he was younger, “Hey, [Name].”

“Shin, hey,” You returned the greeting, giving an easygoing wave as you made your way to the kitchen. 

Over the years of both your and your brother’s friendship with Shinichiro, you’ve learned to hide the nervousness that sometimes worked its way into your system when you were in his presence. If you didn’t, life would’ve been much more awkward for you than it already was, you’re sure. It was fine when you were a kid, but as you got older, you knew shyness wouldn’t cut it. So even if the source of your yearning and anguish throughout your teenage years was sitting right in front of you, sending you the same smile that tormented your thoughts for years, you could still play it cool.

“You’re not gonna be able to sleep all day when your classes start, y’know.” Your brother’s voice brought you out of your thoughts, and you glanced toward him, huffing out a sarcastic laugh. 

“I wasn’t sleeping, you old fart.” You tossed back lightheartedly as you continued to the refrigerator, bending over to grab a soda and then hesitantly grabbing a second.

“The hell, you brat?” Your brother lightly huffed back when you re-entered the living room area.

“Now, [Name], if Takeomi’s an old fart, what does that make me?” Shin asked, eyes on you as you approached where they were sitting. 

You hummed in thought, placing one of the soda cans on the table in front of Shinichiro, plopping down on the couch a few inches away from him. A mischievous smile was on your face as you turned your head to him, “An older fart, I guess?” 

“Ha, I see how it is.” Shin placed a hand over his chest in mock hurt, “And here I thought I was your favorite.” 

You could feel your heartbeat start to pick up in your chest at the slightest bit of picking, but you fought against the feeling that came with it, laughing lightly as you deflected to your brother, “Well, Take-nii already looks and acts like he’s graying, so I guess you’re younger in those regards, Shin.” 

“Don’t treat me like an old man just because I’m a little older than you, [Name]. You’re only a year younger than me.” Takeomi blankly nagged, and you pursed your lips half-heartedly. 

“You still act like an old man, though.” 

“And you still act like a bratty little kid.” 

“Do not.” 

“Do too.” 

You both scowled at each other, turning away at the same time, letting out a dispassionate, “Whatever.” All the while, Shinichiro sat and watched the back-and-forth between you and your brother in amusement. 

Takeomi got on your nerves someti... most of th— fairly often, he would find some way to annoy you, but lighthearted squabbles like this were secretly enjoyable for the two of you. With the age gap between both of you and your younger siblings, it often felt more like you were parental figures to them rather than older siblings. Being the oldest, you knew Takeomi felt that way more than you, though he never outwardly admitted it. It only annoyed you when he tried to act like he was your father figure too, despite only being a year older. But in moments like this, you got to be siblings. He never got to feel that way with Haruchiyo or Senju. 

“If you weren’t napping, what were you doing?” Takeomi suddenly asked, taking a sip of what he was drinking and leaning back in his spot, ankle crossed over his knee. 

“I was reading for a while, then I just listened to music.” You shrugged, debating whether you should tell him the last bit, but you were curious about one thing, so you added, “Natsumi invited me to a party, though. It’s at some guy she knows house.” 

Takeomi’s eyes narrowed slightly at the words; he’d never been particularly good at hiding the fact that he wasn’t too fond of some of your friends, but you weren’t especially focused on Takeomi’s reaction. You sneaked a glance at Shinichiro, wondering if he would have any reaction at all to the that of you going to a college party, where there would no doubt be multiple guys your age. His expression didn’t appear to change at all as he looked over at you, except, maybe you were imagining it, the slight raising of a brow. 

“Ya plannin’ on goin’?” Takeomi asked somewhat pointedly, gaining your full attention. The illusion of choice. If you said yes, he’d likely begrudgingly let you since you were an adult but be passive-aggressive about it for the next few days. That would be after trying to talk you out of it until it was time to go pick up your younger siblings. 

You shook your head, waving your hand dismissively, “Nah, I’m not really interested. Not like I’d know anyone anyway. Plus, Haru and Senju’ll probably have homework when they get here.” 

“Oh, alright,” Takeomi replied casually, but he visibly relaxed at your answer, “It’s probably for the best. You shouldn’t be going to just any party. It’s not safe for a girl your age, kiddo.” 

“Only a year younger” when you poked at his age, but “kid sister’ whenever it involved anything else. You opened your mouth to make a comment about his last sentence but decided against it. Instead, you leaned back into the couch, scoffing quietly to yourself before cracking open your soda and taking a few sips. You’d let it go just this once. You knew, in this instance, his worry was well-meant at least. Parties were more dangerous for girls, so he wasn’t wrong. But still… having to get his permission to go out annoyed you. 

“So, [Name],” Shin started, leaning forward a bit to grab the can of soda you’d brought him. He likely sensed the potential tension building in the room and wanted to dispel it, “You’re starting college soon. Does that mean you’re gonna be moving into the dorms?” 

Takeomi had mentioned to his friends that you were going to college and that your classes were soon, but he didn’t really give much information other than that. You lightly tapped at the can in your hand, turning to face Shin as you explained, “I got accepted into a local one, so it’s just a short ride there and back. No need to pay extra for a dorm, so I’ll still be here.”

“Well, that’s good. Congratulations!” He grinned, reaching out to place his hand on your head, giving it a gentle pat. 

Your breath hitched and your mind blanked for a split second before immediately going into overdrive. It wasn’t the first time Shin patted your head, but it never failed to make your cheeks feel warm and your heart race in your chest. Not to mention the implication that he might be glad that you’re staying home instead of moving further away… though you may be looking too much into it. Were you? You probably were. You shoved your scattered thought to the back of your mind, not wanting to appear as affected as you were. 

You chuckled, looking off to the side, “Thanks, but they’ll accept pretty much anyone who didn’t flunk out.” 

“She’s being overly modest.” Takeomi spoke, pointing at you with his pinky, the rest of his fingers holding his drink, “Her scores were among the highest in her grade. I pushed her to study. She could’ve gone to any university she wanted to, she just wanted the one closest to home.”

“No need to brag on me, Take-nii. I think you’re giving both of us a little too much credit.” You stated dismissively, placing your own drink on the coffee table. 

Though, there was truth to his words. Your brother did push hard for you to study despite the fact that his grades were average. In middle school, you made great grades, and though you struggled with one or two subjects, you managed to cram enough before exams to do well. Your grandma always praised you for your grades, your father too busy to even look at them, and soon enough your brother started praising you too. He pushed for you to do even better starting high school, and even though you’d grown more independent from when you both were younger, you still seeked your older brother’s approval. There were several nights you found yourself studying more than you slept. That doesn’t mean he needs to go telling everyone about it.

“Takeomi’s right, [Name], you should be proud of yourself. College is a huge achievement!” Shin chimed in making you shrink a little more in your seat. 

“I guess it’s just still sinking in,” You rubbed the side of your neck, not able to make eye contact with the older boy. Not one to stay comfortable being the center of attention, you directed a question toward him, “How’re things at S.S Motor?” 

“Everything’s goin’ fine. You should stop by more often.” Shin stated before sending a teasing grin your way, “I know more than a few former Black Dragons who wouldn’t mind seeing you.” 

You winced slightly, shaking your head. “Yeah, well, I don’t know about the last part, but I’ll make an effort anyway,” You promised, causing Shinichiro to let out a small laugh at your reaction. 

“It’s almost time to go pick up Haruchiyo and Senju,” Takeomi cut in, glancing over at you, “Who’s turn is it again?”

“Yours. But I can go if you want. You’ve got Shin over, after all.” You offered, watching as his brows furrowed slightly in thought, probably making sure you weren’t lying to him despite your offer. 

With your father still as busy as he was in your childhood, your grandmother watched after Haruchiyo and Senju just like she had the two of you. Of course, when you lived with her, you and Takeomi helped out, but you moved in with your older brother once you graduated high school. Your grandmother was getting older and young kids could be a handful, so even though they went to your grandmother’s house after school, some days out of the week you or Takeomi would pick them up to give your grandmother some rest. 

“You went the last couple of times if I’m remembering correctly.” Takeomi eventually stated, “You’re being nice because Shin’s here, but you’ll complain later, right? Guess it can’t be helped. I’ll go.” He stood from the couch with a groan, stretching slightly.

“You’re making me sound mean. When have I ever complained about picking Haru and Senju up? I only complain about taking out the trash when it’s your turn, you jerk.” You argued, mocking offended by his accusation. One time, you complained about going because you weren’t feeling well and he never let you live it down. Unbelievabl…y believable.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever you say, [Name].” He goaded, reaching out to ruffle your hair as he passed you, though you managed to swat his hand away. Unaffected, he turned to address Shinichiro, “So, Shin, what are you gonna do?” 

Shin hummed in thought before replying, “I’ll stay here and chat with [Name] a bit.” 

You blinked, turning to glance at him. Sure, you were just talking, but he wanted to keep talking with you even though your brother was leaving? It wasn’t like you’d never spoken with Shinichiro alone or anything like that; you were friends, after all, still… it just surprised you a bit, is all. 

“Alright, well I’d say it shouldn’t take long, but that depends on how talkative grandma feels today.” Takeomi joked as he slipped on his shoes, but you knew it to be the truth. What should normally be a twenty-minute journey could easily turn into an hour if your grandmother was feeling sociable, and she often was. “Well then, I’m off. [Name], don’t bother Shin too much.” Takeomi told you, and you opened your mouth to respond, but he was already out the door. 

“You two are at each other’s throats today, huh?” Shin chuckled, turning to you after the door was shut. 

“Ha, nothing new,” You mirrored his quiet laughter, waving the statement off dismissively, “It’s never anything serious. Just picking… most of the time, at least.” 

Shin nodded in understanding. He’s been in your life for around fourteen years now, so he was more than familiar with how you and Takeomi interacted and how your relationship with your brother has evolved over the years. Silence fell over the two of you for a brief moment. 

“Are you nervous?” Shinichiro suddenly asked, causing you to stiffen in your spot, “About college, I mean. I know you said it’s still sinking in. It’s a big step, after all.” 

You silently exhaled the breath you’d been holding, shrugging half-heartedly, “It’s not that much different than high school, I’m assuming… well maybe a little.” You started, hoping to sound unfazed, but you failed, letting out a light chuckle, “Okay, I guess I’m a little nervous, yeah.” 

“It’s normal to feel that way. Don’t worry, you’ll do fine,” Shin assured with a kind-hearted grin that turned mischievous, “Who knows, you might even meet a nice guy.”

Your smile faltered, but only for a second. You forced a laugh, turning your head to the side and mumbling out a weak, “…Maybe.” 

Your brows pulled down for a moment in thought, biting the inside of your cheek. Your mind wandered to the promise you made to yourself in your room, but Shinichiro’s teasing words made you second-guess yourself more than you already were. He couldn’t be interested in you if he could say something like that… but then again Shin always teased you this way. Whether it was about former black dragon members or jokingly accusing you of having a crush on him, that’s just how Shinichiro was. You could never be sure about how the older boy felt about you. And you never would, not unless you acted somehow. 

You began to fidget with your hands, twisting at your fingers in your seat. If he says no, you can play it off as no big deal, and, well, your brother will be home in the next forty-or-so minutes and free you of your embarrassment. If he says yes… well, you’ll have to wing that if you don’t pass out from excitement. You can feel your heart hammering against your ribcage at just the thought of the conversation beginning. But you had to. So say it. Just say it. Say it. Say something! “Hey, Shin—?” Wait, you were really gonna ask him this?!

“Yeah?” His head tilted ever so slightly, prompting you to continue. 

You swallowed. Your mind was staticky, having thrown yourself into the pit completely unprepared, “Can I ask you something? It’s a favor, really—You don’t have to if you don’t want to, of course. It’s a big favor and all, so…” You winced as you fumbled through your attempt at a response. This was so much easier in your head. 

A fond smile painted its way onto Shinichiro’s face as he watched you fidget nervously, “What’s on your mind?” 

You paused, taking a deep, quiet breath and letting it out, pushing yourself up to your feet from the couch. Mind made up, you tossed a glance toward Shinichiro, “Follow me? It’ll be easier for me to explain in my room.”

He raised a brow but nevertheless joined you in standing to his feet, replying with an amused yet curious, “Yeah, sure, lead the way.” 

This gave you more time to calm your nerves, which would hopefully allow you to get your next words out without much trouble. Plus, you’d be way too embarrassed if this conversation went on longer than you expected and Takeomi and your younger sibling walked in on the two of you discussing this on the living room couch. Really though, you were trying to push asking him back as long as you could. But you knew that you couldn’t push it back forever. How long was it until Shinichiro would confess to someone who accepted? Then you’d never get the chance.

Both you and Shin stood in front of your bedroom door, and you sighed before turning the knob and gesturing for Shin to go ahead of you. You began to feel self-conscious as Shinichiro looked around. He’d been in your room once before in middle school, but that was at your grandmother’s house, and these were different circumstances. 

“Nice decor. It’s cute,” Shinichiro complimented as if he could sense your unease. He then cleared his throat, rubbing the back of his neck, “So what’s up?”

Right. It was now or never. 

“Could you… teach me, um…” You still couldn’t get the words out properly. Having him right in front of you made this so much more difficult than you thought it would, and you were starting to regret opening your mouth to begin with. Maybe you could just make something up and forget this stupid plan altogether. 

“Teach you?” He prompted, smiling down at you. He was patient, allowing you to collect your thoughts before you continued, but in the brief silence, his mind wandered. Maybe you wanted to learn how to drive a motorcycle? Takeomi was okay, but probably not the best teacher.

This was about setting yourself free from this decade-long crush, for better or for worse. With your next words, it would be over.

“Teach me… how to make a guy feel good…” It comes out barely above a whisper and mumbled, and he thinks he heard you, but there’s no way he heard you right. You wanted to crumble into a little ball at your own words. 

His eyes widened a bit before his brow furrowed, “Could you… repeat that for me?” He asked, wanting to make sure he heard you right. 

You deflated for a second, not wanting to repeat yourself at all. The air left your lungs the second you uttered those words, and asking you to say them again was too much. You were beginning to feel lightheaded and your mouth was dry. Taking a steadying breath, you forced yourself to meet his eyes. 

“Shinichiro, I want you to teach me how to please a man.” 

Oh. 

He heard you right then. His mouth opened, but then closed again, finding that he was unable to speak. His face didn’t give you any hints as to what his thoughts were other than his surprise at your request. 

After a few seconds passed by, you broke the silence. “Say something, at least…” You urged, the quietness playing at your anxiety worse than anything else. You could accept whatever answer he gave you, you just needed to hear it. 

“G-Give me a second.” He held out his hand before bringing it up to his mouth as he thought. He glanced at you, and after another moment, asked, “Why do you want me to teach you that?”

You winced slightly, looking to the side before sighing. You took a few steps forward, away from Shinichiro, before taking a seat at the edge of your bed. You’re hesitant, but you explain, “I’ll be starting college soon… and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I don’t know—it’s embarrassing. Take-nii’s too strict and—”

And I’ve only ever had a crush on you… the thought goes unspoken. 

You sighed before continuing, “I’m just worried that I’ll meet someone and I won’t know what I’m doing and they’ll dump me or make fun of me. Most people I know have already lost their virginity. I haven’t even had my first kiss.” 

He didn’t say anything right away, instead taking in your words and contemplating them. You felt the mattress sink down at the added weight as he sat next to you. You couldn’t bring yourself to look at him, not until he said something first. 

“[Name],” He started, placing a hand on your shoulder, “ Your first time should be with someone special.” 

“You are someone special.” Shin’s eyes widened slightly, and you both looked shocked at your statement. “I mean—” You inwardly cursed yourself. This was supposed to be a casual proposition, and you were baring too much of yourself, “I feel safe with it being you. You’ll always be in my life, no matter what. Some pushy college guy I date might not… then I’ll just feel bad about it. If it’s you, I’ll never regret it. I trust you.” 

Once again, Shin went quiet in thought. You weren’t stupid. You knew Shinichiro was almost two years older than you, he’s known you since you were a snot-nosed five-year-old, and he was best friends with your older brother. He’d likely never seen you as a potential love interest, and this was probably super sudden and out of nowhere for him. 

“Like I said, you don’t have to if you don’t want to, of course,” You stated sheepishly, backing off when doubt began to set in, “I’d never want to make you uncomfortable or anything like that. I just wanted to ask you first because I trust you the most… and I don’t really hang around any guys besides you, Wakasa, and Keizo, so…” You trailed off contemplating your next words, “I can always ask Wakasa, it’s no big deal. Though I feel like he’ll never let me live it do—”

“Don’t ask Waka.” Shinichiro cut you off with a frown, pausing for a moment before adding, “You’re right. He wouldn’t.” 

You nodded, a breathy laugh leaving you, “Yeah. That’s why he was my second choice.” 

Another silence fell between you, though this time, it was Shinichiro who broke it. 

“You know that I’m not really all that experienced either…” He spoke tentatively, pulling at the collar of his shirt, “If this is something you’re really set on, I’m not sure how helpful I’d actually be. You sure you’d want me to teach you?” 

You were both facing each other, eyes scanning the other’s face in search of something. This was your first actual glimpse of a yes, and it made you question if you were sleeping or not. Of course, you knew you were very much awake and that you were going to have to answer his question. After some thought, you nodded, both to yourself and the boy in front of you. 

“You’re the person I’d feel the most comfortable with, Shin. And… I can teach you what girls like too. I mean— I haven’t really explored that much… I’ve done some things, I know what feels good, but—” You shook your head, cutting yourself off, “What I mean to say is, we can teach each other. It’s mutually beneficial.” 

Your cheeks felt like they were burning and you fought the urge to bury your face in your hands or one of your pillows, though you weren’t the only one. Shin’s cheeks were visibly tinted red. You wished you could tell what he was thinking. You were beginning to feel hopeful, that there was actually a chance that Shinichiro could be interested in you, that he was capable of seeing you as more than Takeomi’s sister. 

Shinichiro gave a short nod, acknowledging your words, but there was still one thing gnawing at him, and he shared that concern with you, “There’s still Takeomi. I think he’d beat even my ass if he knew I was sneaking around with you, y’know.”

Takeomi being your brother was the reason you met Shinichiro to begin with, but as you’ve always feared, it would remain the biggest reason you could never be with him. You loved your brother, but you cursed your relationship with him. 

“I think yours is the one butt he wouldn’t kick for it, if I’m being honest…” You chuckled, though it left a bitter feeling within you. You often wondered how Shin would treat you if you’d still known each other for as long as you have, but you weren’t Takeomi’s sister. Maybe now was as good of a time as any to finally ask… “Hey, Shin, if I wasn’t Takeomi’s sister, would you still be so hesitant?”

He didn’t give you an answer verbally, but his eyes betrayed him.

You pressed softly, “My brother doesn’t have to know… it’s not like we’d be dating or anything, right? Just friends learning together…” You leaned closer to him, feeling a bit more confident now, “I’m an adult now, Shinichiro. You are too. I don’t have to ask Take-nii’s permission and neither do you. I’m my own person. So, what do you want to do?” 

Shinichiro mirrored you, deflecting your question back at you, “Are you sure this is what you want?” 

You blinked, and once again found yourself locked into a questioning eye contact with him. You were slightly taken aback by his question. Of course this is what you wanted. You were the one who asked him. You gave a small, but firm nod, “Yes.” 

Shin swallowed, taking a deep breath and letting it out, “Okay then,” He nodded, “I agree to be your “teacher”.” 

You felt like you were floating. You’d been fully prepared for rejection, yet—

“But,” He stated, cutting off your thoughts, “I don’t wanna rush into anything too major right away. Small steps, alright?” 

“Right.” You replied hastily, clearing your throat before continuing, “I agree. Taking things slow is for the best.” 

You were both completely inexperienced in this field, and it entirely showed. Neither of you knew where to go from there, but you were the one to initiate this, so you knew you had to bridge the gaps. 

“So, what would be okay right now?” You asked reluctantly, studying his expression carefully. 

His eyes flickered down for a split second before meeting your eyes, his tongue darting out to wet his lips. He thought for a moment, before somewhat bashfully suggesting, “Kissing… should be fine, right?” 

Your breath hitched for an instant, your chest fluttering at his words as you shakily replied, “Yeah, that would be okay.” 

Shin nodded, moving closer to you on the edge of the bed. You were hyperaware of his movements as he reached his hand out, a finger gently hooking under your chin to tilt your face toward his. His eyes searched yours a final time for any sign of dissent, but when they fluttered closed, he finally pressed his lips to yours. You melted into the action, hand coming up to rest against his shoulder as you returned the kiss. Everything seemed to slow aside from your pounding heartbeat. You felt like your body was buzzing. 

Shinichiro pulled away after a few more seconds passed, both yours and his eyes slowly opening to meet one another’s. Soon after, he let out an airy laugh, and you couldn’t fight back the smile that made its way on your face. 

It was perfect. 

And you were greedy. 

You were the one who leaned in this time, your nose delicately brushing against his before capturing his mouth in a kiss. Your lips moved against his, and he responded in kind. It was a little clumsy at first, but you both found and fell into a rhythm. His hand came up to cup your cheek, and you couldn’t help but lean into its warmth. 

You couldn’t believe it. You were in your bedroom kissing your childhood crush. It felt like a dream, and when you pulled back, he was looking down at you with parted lips. His hand traced down your neck like a feather, making you shiver. . 

You kept up your appearance, though you felt warmth enveloping you as you quietly questioned, “How was that…?”

“That was… wow.” Shin chuckled softly, using his other hand to brush his hair out of his face. He looked down at you thoughtfully, eyes twinkling mischievously as he began to lean in again, “But more practice never hurt, yeah?”

His kiss was still gentle, but there was a bit more force behind it this time. You leaned into Shinichiro, your hand finding its way into his hair, running through it and making him hum into the kiss. Your mind went blank and so you allowed yourself to run on autopilot, doing what felt right in the moment. Whenever one of you broke away from the kiss to catch your breath, it didn’t last long until you fell back into it. 

His hand found your waist, and you were filled with the desire to get closer than you already were. You placed your hand back on his shoulder, the other one pushing you off of the bed and further into Shinichiro, deepening the kiss. Reading your movements, Shinichiro pushed himself further back with his feet, giving you more room to climb onto his lap. His hands snaked around your waist to help steady you. 

You pulled back slightly, just enough that your lips still brushed against his as you shifted your weight, both of your hands on his shoulders as you made yourself more comfortable in his lap. As you pulled yourself closer to him, one of Shinichiro’s hands snuck to the back of your head, pulling you back into another heated kiss.

You felt a bolt of electricity pass through you when you felt his tongue gliding against your bottom lip, his arms trying to pull you in even closer. You let him take the lead, allowing him to deepen the kiss even further, your hand sliding down to his clothed chest. Despite his bold move, you could feel his heart pounding against your palm, and it comforted you knowing he was possibly just as nervous as you. 

His hands were hesitant as they glided up and down your sides, slowly making their way up, but hastily falling back down to your waist once they’ve gone “too high”. Feeling a bit bold yourself, you grabbed one of his hands, moving it up toward your breast and giving it a reassuring squeeze. You felt him stiffen slightly, taking is a small gasp of air against your lips. You allowed your own hands to travel, finding the bottom of his shirt and sneaking underneath until your fingers ghosted his stomach. Shin let out a small groan. 

His hand gave your clothed breast an experimental squeeze, swallowing the little whine that escaped your lips. You arched into his touch, and Shinichiro began to softly knead at the area. You felt like you wanted more, like you needed it, and that scared you.

You broke apart again, both of you panting as your eyes met as his and hand fell back to your waist. You weren’t sure how much time had passed. It could have been ten minutes or an hour and you’d be none the wiser. Neither of you spoke, taking a minute to soak in what just transpired between the two of you. 

“Was that okay?” You asked once the silence grew to become too much for you. It was half joking, half serious, anxiety about your performance nibbling at you. 

“More than okay,” He let out a breathy laugh, “You’re perfect.” 

His praise made you feel shy all of the sudden, and you found yourself burying your face in his neck, mumbling out a quiet, “shut up”. He must have been teasing you again.

He chuckled again, and you could feel it, “I’m serious, though. You’re cute, too.” 

You sulk a bit. This was too good to be true, there’s no way Shinichiro was actually saying this to you after all these years. You shuffled a bit on his lap, putting more weight on your left side to give your right side a break. Shinichiro’s grip on your waist tightened a bit, letting out a small groan as you rubbed up against him. You could feel Shinichrio tense up underneath you. 

Was that…?

You paused, devious ideas beginning to play around in your hazy mind. Your confidence  was boosted just enough for you to press your lips against his neck, purposefully repeating your earlier action. He took in a sharp breath, his hips pressing harder into yours as he pulled you against him.

“Fuck… [Name]—” 

You nipped at his skin, careful not to be too rough on the sensitive area. He sighed softly, rolling his head back slightly to offer you more room. It looked like you already found a weakness of his. You continued to grind your hips down on his, the friction forcing small whines from your throat, which you muffled by burying your face deeper into Shinichiro’s neck. Wanting to hear the sounds, Shinichiro nudged your face out of hiding, only to crash his lips into yours against yours in a hungry kiss. You could feel your wetness gathering in your underwear as his cock continuously rubbed against your core. 

Slow? Did he say that? 

He pulls your hips against his again, his clothed cock grinding perfectly against your clit causing a breathy moan to escape you. He swallowed your moans, repeating the action again, and then again, practically drunk on your little noises. 

“Shin, please…” You whined against his lips. You don’t know what you’re asking him, you just know you want more.

He presses one last needy kiss against your lips before pulling away, his hands finding the bottom of your shirt, “…’m gonna take your shirt off now, darlin’. ‘s that ok?” He asked breathily, lidded eyes meeting yours as he awaited your answer. 

“Mhm.” You hummed, nodding readily, moving back slightly to give him easier access. 

Your shirt is halfway up your torso revealing the bottom of your bra to him, and you were in the process of raising your arms to make it easier for him when the sound of the front door opening and closing, followed by your little sister’s excited shouting interrupted the two of you. 

Both of your eyes widened as you looked at each other, Shin pulling your shirt back down with a start as you immediately sprang into action, jumping off of his lap. The two of you were likely thinking the same thing as you smoothed out your appearances. 

How did you let it go that far knowing your brother was coming back home soon? 

“Shoes off in the house, you guys know this.” You heard Takeomi fussing your younger siblings before calling out, “Shin? [Name]?”

You’re already on the floor, scrambling to turn on your TV to a blank screen, pressing the button on your PlayStation to see which game was inside. You could do this. You can totally make this look innocent.

“We’re in my room, Take-nii!” You call back, causing Shin to send a worried look your way. It wasn’t like there was a chance you could discreetly slip out of your room, so the best thing you could do is look like the two of you were just hanging out. 

You shoot him back a reassuring glance as you grab one of the controllers on the floor, unrolling it and handing it to him as you explained, “Take-nii has always been really strict, so sometimes… y’know, I’ve just learned to get away with some things. Nothing bad though!” You assured quietly, “So, just let me handle this.”

“That’s… good.” He replied hesitantly, “But you should try not to lie to your older brother too much, okay?”

You purse your lips, “Huh? What’s that? You want me to tell him you were about to take my shirt off a minute ago?”

“...Good point.” He conceded, holding up his hands in surrender. He readjusted his pants, grateful that they were baggy as he watched you continue to paint the scene. He heard his friend’s footsteps as he walked down the hall. 

“Ok, hand me the controller,” you whispered, holding your hand out. He raised his brow slightly, but did as you said, leaning over to hand your controller back to you, just as the door to your room opened to reveal Takeomi. You turned with a smile, “Hey, Take-nii, that took you a while.” 

“You know how grandma is,” He sighed, letting out a small laugh, “So, what are you two up to?” 

“We got tired of waiting, so we played some Street Fighter for a while. Figured you’d be back soon though, so we just finished up.” You replied with a shrug, rolling up the controller and placing it in front of the console. 

“[Name], we wanna play!” Senju exclaimed, pushing past Takeomi and bounding up to you. She jumped on your back, arms hugging around your neck as she pleaded, “Please!”

“Senju you’re choking me out, sweetie.” You struggled out, tapping on her arm and prompting her to release you with an apology, hugging up on your side instead. She was way too strong for someone her age. 

Takeomi spoke up from behind the two of you, lightly scolding, “Senju, that game isn’t really something girls your age should be playing.” 

“But it’s [Name]’s game and she lets Haru play it all the time.” She argued, tilting her head with a small pout causing your brother to click his tongue. You’d be hearing about that later. She pulled at your shirt, “Can I play it, please?”

“Do you have any homework?” You asked, petting her head as you looked down at her, “We can play whatever you want after we get that done first.” 

“Awww. Okay…” She pouted again, letting go of your side

“Can we set the PlayStation up on the big tv in the living room?” Haru mousily asked from the doorway, peeking in from behind your older brother. 

“Hmmm,” You tapped your chin in thought before grinning at your siblings, “Well, since you asked nicely.” You watched as their faces lit up, Senju cheering loudly as you pushed yourself up from the floor. “But homework first.” You reminded, beginning to shoo your younger siblings out of your room, patting Haru’s head when you reached him, “Come on, your big sister will help you.” 

You always offered to help them with their homework whenever you and Takeomi had them after Senju told you that she understood better when you explained the material than when Takeomi or grandma did. Usually, the three of you could get everything done fairly quickly, that way they could spend the rest of the evening relaxing or having fun. 

“I’ll let you have Shin back, Take-nii,” You tossed over your shoulder, watching as Shinichiro stood up from your bed and walked over to your brother, “I’ll keep Haru and Senju busy and give you guys your space.” 

“Look at you, being a good kid for once,” He joked, reaching out to ruffle your hair as you’d done to Haru, but once again, you swatted his hand away. 

“Not a kid, old man.” Your tone was as light as his, but he tsked, giving you a disapproving glance. 

“You could be a little more respectful towards your older brother in front of our younger siblings, y’know. You’re setting a bad example.” He chastised, and you sighed. 

“Sorry, sorry,” You waved him off, following your younger siblings out of your room, the two older men walking out right behind you. 

Haruchiyo looked back at you hesitantly, and you sent the boy a poised smile. As he got older, more tension seemed to form between Haru and Takeomi, and it didn’t go unnoticed by you. It got especially worse after his accident. You were closer in age to Takeomi, so it was easier for you to wave him off like that, but you knew Takeomi’s strictness weighed heavily on Haru at times, and you tried to do what you could to give him more freedom. 

Both Senju and Haruchiyo grabbed their backpacks from the sofa, carrying them over to the dining room table where they unpacked their homework while Shin and Takeomi continued to visit on the couch in the living room. You sat at the end of the table, helping whenever one of them had a question and checking their work once they finished an assignment. Luckily, neither of them had much to do, so you were finished up after only twenty-five minutes. You did catch Shinihiro glancing in your direction every now and again, making your cheeks feel warm. 

It didn’t take long after she was finished putting away her school supplies, that Senju was at your side, reminding you what you promised them. 

“Alright, I didn’t forget. You two go sit and wait on the couch while I get everything set up, okay?” You instructed, shaking your head fondly as Senju bolted to the living room, Haruchiyo calming following after her. As you passed, you made eye contact with Takeomi, clasping your hands under your chin discreetly, only the two older men seeing it. He rolled his eyes but shrugged nevertheless. You’d still hear about it later. 

“Need help?” Shinichiro offered from the couch before you disappeared into the hall.

You peeked back at him, giving him a careful smile as you waved halfheartedly, “Nah, I’ve got it. Thanks, though.” 

It was… strange, having to act like nothing occurred between the two of you not even an hour ago. Anxiety began to bubble in your chest, but you pushed it back. You had a task at hand and siblings counting on you. 

You unhooked the wires to your PlayStation from your TV once you were back in your room, lazily wrapping the wires around the console and placing both controllers on top as you strolled back to the living room. It didn’t take you long to hook everything back up on the larger tv, handing each younger sibling a controller and letting them unravel them. The cords weren’t long enough to reach the couch, so they sat on the floor as Haru booted the game up for his younger sister. 

You plopped down next to Shinichiro, the three of you watching the two children fight it out on the game, the sound of buttons mashing on the controller and Senju yelling filling the room. The three of you occasionally made commentary.  

It didn’t go long before a tournament started. Senju and Haru talked it out, deciding that they would fight first followed by Shinichiro and Take-nii. The two winners of that would then fight, and whoever won that match would have to fight you, the owner of the game, A.K.A. (as Senju put it) the final boss. You didn’t have the heart to tell her that the main reason you bought the game was for her and Haru, so you probably weren’t the best, actually. 

 Senju and Haru’s match was a close one with both characters down to the last of their health but ultimately ended in Senju’s victory. You patted the spot next to you for Haruchiyo, patting his shoulder once he sat down. Shin and Takeomi were next, both men sitting down on the floor with Senju behind them. Unlike the neck-to-neck match that took place before them, this one was a one-sided massacre on your brother. 

Takeomi cursed, handing the controller to his youngest sister who took his spot. He was never good at fighting games. He claimed his spot back on the couch, glaring over at you before you could even say anything, knowing what was coming. 

“You—!”

“Not one word, [Name].” Takeomi cut you off with a scowl, and you opened your mouth in mock shock. 

“Sore loser…” You grumbled out, crossing your arms, only Haruchiyo sitting next to you hearing your words. 

You, Takeomi, and Haruchiyo watched as the next match started. Shinichiro’s character got the first few hits in, but one failed connect was all Senju needed to turn the table in her favor. It was a surprisingly close match for the first half, but after both characters were at half health, Senju caught a second wind. Your eyes were glued to the screen as Senju’s character continued to beat Shin’s down, quietly cheering your sister on. 

“C’mon, c’mon, c’mon…. YEAH!!” Senju jumped up, controller falling on the cushion she’d been sitting on as she cheered. 

“Ha, you suck, Shin!” You giggled pointing at the older boy and watching as Senju hopped around in celebration, “You got your butt kicked by an eight-year-old.”

“What can I say, she has me beat.” Shinichiro chuckled with a modest shrug, pushing himself up and holding the controller out to you, “Your turn, [Name].” 

You stood up from the couch, fingers brushing against his as you took the controller from his hand. When Senju found her spot back on her cushion, you sank down next to her. 

“I won’t show you any mercy, [Name].” Senju declared as she selected the same character she’d used in the previous matches. 

You scrolled past the first few characters, picking one that you knew you were pretty good with, nodding in her direction, “I wouldn’t have it any other way.” 

When the match began, Senju was quick to advance, landing a few hits before you managed to jump over her character, launching a counterattack until a quarter of her health was down. You let her get a few good hits in, deciding you would fight seriously once you were a little past half-health, though you threw a few punches to make it look realistic. Even once you started playing for real, Senju didn’t relent in her vicious assault until your character was K.O.ed.

“I’m the champion of the tournament!” Senju announced, running around the coffee table in a fit of excitement before sliding back next to you.

“You really got me,” You praised, rubbing the back of your neck, “Good job, Senju.” 

Shinichiro gently poked your back with his foot, causing you to stiffen before turning around. He couldn’t help but tease, “What were you saying?” 

You grinned, reaching out to wrap your arm around your younger sister’s shoulders, bringing her into a half hug. “That my sister kicks butt!” You declared, causing her to burst into a fit of giggles. 

Haruchiyo hopped off the couch and was at your side in seconds, “I wanna play you next!”

You turned to him, your grin never faltering as you accepted his challenge, “You’re on, Haru.” 

The five of you took turns playing until Takeomi declared it was time to get dinner started, and after they ate it was bath and bedtime for the kiddos. Knowing what that meant, you stretched before making your way over to the kitchen. You’d already decided on what you’d be making tonight since you knew Senju and Haru were gonna be over, and luckily it didn’t take too long to prepare. 

“Shin, are you gonna be staying for dinner?” You asked before you stepped out of the living room, wanting to know how much you would need to make for everyone to get enough. It wasn’t rare that you ended up feeding Takeomi’s friends every now and then, though you never minded if it was Shin. He never complained about your cooking. 

The older boy looked over at the clock on the wall, wincing slightly when he saw the time. It wasn’t especially late, but he promised Manjiro he’d stop by on his way home, “I should… probably start heading home soon.”

“Oh, ok,” You tried not to let your disappointment show, but you brightened up, asking, “Do you wanna grab a drink from the fridge before you go?” 

He studied your expression before nodding, “Sure.” 

He followed you into the kitchen while Takeomi worked to calm Senju down, unplugging your PlayStation from the TV and entrusting Haru to place it back in your room for you to set back up later. 

There was a lot to talk about, but you both knew that now was not the time for it, so you opened the fridge, grabbed what you needed to cook, and placed it on the counter before grabbing a drink for Shinichiro and handing it to him. As he grabbed it from your hand, you looked at him, lowly whispering, “Call me?” 

His eyes widened slightly, but once he processed what you were asking he gave a firm nod. 

“Take too long and I’ll call you,” You teased quietly before raising your voice to its normal range, “Alright, well I’m gonna get started on dinner then. Be safe on your way home, ‘kay?” 

Shin chuckled, shaking his head, “Yeah, I will. See ya later, [Name].” 

“Bye, Shin.” You waved, watching as he made his way out of the kitchen, tossing one last glance your way before he walked back to the living room to tell your brother goodbye. 

They chatted for another minute or so while you worked on getting dinner ready, though you couldn’t make any of it out until they walked past the kitchen and towards the entrance, both friends saying their short goodbyes to one another as Shinichiro slipped his shoes on. 

You heard to opening and closing of the door that signified Shinichiro’s departure, and you took a deep breath, letting it out and allowing yourself to deflate a bit. You were both left with your own thoughts as Shinichiro exited your home. Despite your deflation, your chest bubbled with all kinds of emotions. Excitement and anxiety were at the forefront, though it was difficult for you to differentiate them right now. 

You weren’t sure what Shinichiro was thinking, but you couldn’t help but wonder if his thoughts were similar to your own at this moment. 

Wow. That really happened. 

#somehow i managed to be both a takeomi apologist and slanderer at the same time #honestly? as god intended #oh how i adore the brother's best friend trope #this chapter turned out very long but it didn't feel right splitting it #shinichiro sano #shinichiro x reader #shinichiro x you #shinichiro smut #tokyo revengers #tokyo revengers imagine #tokyo revengers smut #tokrev smut #this is my first time posting an actual fic so i am nervous

[ghelgheli]

17! but also using the opportunity of the ask game to get to know more about the effortless worldbuilding in sff :)

from the end-of-year book ask

17: Did any books surprise you with how good they were?

I think Three Body Problem is the only one meeting this condition this year so I'll have no trouble staying on topic :> but I'm gonna specifically talk about "hard" SF as I conceive of it—I haven't read any analysis so this may just be a jumble of improvised thoughts.

SF, being "speculative" fiction, of course has to take on the problem of speculating and of presenting things that don't (and perhaps cannot) happen. On average this is accomplished thru a healthy combination of scientific grounding and good-natured handwaving: I drop a few sentences about "quantum entanglement" and you go along with my ansible, or you tell me about "positronic circuits" and I agree that you can make a brain with them. This is the compact that makes SF work because you fundamentally cannot expect speculation without, well, ceding ground on reality.

But at least a subset of SF readers are of the kind to really want to grok how it is that this or that scientific feature of the world works or may come about. Every contraption and novel technology is like a puzzle to be riddled out. This is the place where speculation becomes sincere mechanical prediction, and it's why I love hard SF.

This subset of readers can be matched to a subgenre of writers who commit fully to filling in as many blanks in their technological, biological, etc. speculation as possible. The rows of astronomical data can't be left vague—tell me what frequency of light we're dealing with here—xenobiology isn't taken for granted—what is the neurology of your aliens??—and so on. The dots are connected, the rest of the owl is drawn for real, the image is made crisp. Like fireworks for the reader's brain.

When this kind of worldbuilding is executed well imo it looks effortless. Looks, not is, because behind every explanation of near-c travel is hours of research into at least special relativity and time dilation, along with calculations by-hand. Behind every account of an exoplanet's atmosphere is probably a few papers perused on the subject and several articles on scientific american. Peter Watts, in the note at the end of Blindsight, includes a fucking bibliography of a hundred or so references as well as thank-yous to many an academic he split handles of liquor with. And this is only the visible fragment of what has to be a library of knowledge accumulated both passively and actively to make a speculated world feel as concretely plausible as possible.

None of this is necessary for good SF. The aforementioned compact means any author can opt out of this commitment at any time. But it's what it takes to make tightly-written hard SF, where your conceptual hands are kept diligently at your side, waving an idea through maybe once every five chapters when you have no other choice.

So anyway, Three Body Problem is a tour de force in doing this and doing it cleanly. It uses a storytelling device a lot of hard SF employs to make it work: rather than stuffing dense exposition into narration (at which point, just read the source papers) it deploys a cast of characters who more than anything else, really know their shit. We get exposition trickle-fed through experts who are trying, along with us, to make sense of their novel environments and unfamiliar technologies using their knowledge of the present limits of human understanding. This is what Watts does in Blindsight too, by the way: a claustrophobic ship crewed by technical specialists makes first contact, so everyone has something encyclopedic to say about everything and it's only natural.

What astounded me about Cixin Liu's writing is that he made it work just when I least thought he would be able to. I was sure I was being shown things completely inexplicable and necessarily supernatural until he went and explained them in plain terms; better yet, he explained them in ways that made so much sense in retrospect that I was kicking myself for not seeing the answer. This has exactly the flavour of a good puzzle.

The trade-off hard SF makes is that you are often limited in the metaphorical/thematic work you can do through your speculation. I think the contrast between "calendrical science" in Yoon Ha Lee's Machineries of Empire series and Asimov's "psychohistory" illustrates this well.

Yoon Ha Lee has mathematical training, and calendrical science is a speculative field consisting of theorems, conjectures, proofs, etc. in the language of mathematics that stand in for cultural hegemony and power projection. This makes for a great operationalization of soft power: space is filled and distorted by the quantifiable effects of whatever regime is dominant there (the "calendar" here being synecdoche for culture writ large). But obviously he can't fill in the blanks of how a calendar causes spacetime distortions that specifically make one side's weapons more effective, or provide certain formations with shielding effects. This is, I guess, semi-hard (lol) SF—you can see how it's supposed to work, but it's clear that it just won't. What you get in return is pretty politically interesting storytelling.

Psychohistory is the converse: a deterministic-enough lovechild of economics and sociology explained in the Foundation series as using all the familiar methods of linear algebra and differential equations together with unfamiliar innovations of just how to quantify human behaviour in order to make reliable predictions. There are entire chapters dedicated to explaining the conceptual nuance that went into developing psychohistory ("the hand on thigh principle" from prelude to foundation is just about how the theory resolves divergence by reducing insignificant terms to zero) and an entire book to exploring one of its limitations. It's fascinating to read. But you also get little narrative depth out of it, because hard SF, even when done well, is not guaranteed to make a story thematically interesting or politically compelling. This is the Three Body Problem problem too: its political commitments are threadbare and unserious because that's just not what it's about. I couldn't recommend it on those terms, but that's not what I like so much about it. I will say the conceptualization goes a little off the rails in the final chapters, but I think most SF authors were in some kind of string theory inspired fugue state at the time.

What I would love to see (and I'm sure exists) is hard SF that also has interesting politics. Unfortunately that's an intersection of two already-narrow intersections.

ty for ask✨🐐

#ask answer #idk if that's what u were asking about but. well. #got some sleepy thoughts out #also this is not to say that there isn't tons of research in “soft” SF #it's just that it would be a different kind of research and a different library of knowledge

[dazais-guardian-angel]

Flying Too Close To the Moon (a Baizhu character analysis)

Over a year ago now, in February of 2023, Genshin Impact's twitter account posted about a certain green-haired doctor from Liyue with a snake, announcing that he was at long last going to become playable. *narrator voice* Little did I know at that point just how much my life was going to be ruined changed by this man, something I never could have fathomed in all my time of playing before.

Today, by the time of Baizhu's birthday, almost a year since his release, he has never left my team and is one of my ultimate comfort characters... and at the same time, paradoxically, fills me with such intense feelings of dread, if I ever think just a little too hard about him for a little too long.

This is my experience with him.

From the beginning, I wasn't one of the people who had been anxiously awaiting for Baizhu's release. I'd always been curious about him, and thought he was beautiful (but lol who in this game isn't?), but there was practically nothing to know, and he appeared so little, so not being an existing fan, I didn't think much about him compared to other more prominent characters. With that first drip marketing, however, I was suddenly instantly intrigued:

"Regrettably, Baizhu cannot save all his patients — himself, for example. Herbalist Gui has mentioned that Baizhu's physical condition is extremely poor, and he often has to go back to his residence to rest after seeing patients. Even so, his smile never falters while in front of people. When Gui asked him about this, he replied, "If the doctor looks sick himself, how can his patients face their illnesses with confidence?" Day after day, Baizhu heals his patients. His ever-present smile hides the numerous bitter medicines he takes and the pain he suffers alone."

What's this, Baizhu is a doctor who is also sick himself? He has a chronic illness?? Finally I have a disabled character in a video game I can play as and relate to??? Not to mention the DELICIOUS angst potential the (absolutely devastating) last sentence held. Unfortunately, because my lazy ass rarely ever talks to npcs outside of quests, I was completely unaware of this very important little fact about Baizhu, learned via Herbalist Gui that had been in the game since literally 1.0, but to say that I was excited upon finally learning it now was an understatement. This changed everything, turning a character I had previously only had a passing interest in into someone I felt like I might be able to connect with, and a character I could truly call my own. Previously, my favorite Genshin character was Zhongli — he was my very first limited 5* and I started the game pretty much because I was interested in him lol — but just from this short summary alone, I had a strong feeling that Baizhu had the potential to surpass him, and become my new favorite.

My initial impressions from everything we knew about Baizhu pre-release (for how little that was) were that he was a kind, selfless doctor who didn't want others to see his weakness, but in secret was striving for immortality in order to save his own life from his severe illness. Qiqi seemed to be someone he observes to further his research in gaining said immortality, but his love and care for her still feels sincere, although he can never properly convey this in words because, to me at least, he's keeping himself at a distance from her and others so as to not hurt them too much if he passed away. Baizhu tearing out Qiqi's journal entry about him being a good person so that she doesn't dwell on and remember such things about him seemed to support this, as well.

Upon release, we also had Dainsleif's lines about Baizhu in his collected miscellany video, which made me emotional as well: Dain, someone who is cursed with and suffers daily from immortality that he never asked for, respects Baizhu's desire for immortality himself, because for him it would be freedom from the pain and suffering he already experiences, seemingly. Most people want immortality for selfish reasons, but for Baizhu, I thought, it's out of a desire to save his very life, and in turn save more people as a doctor in the future. It's human, understandable, and the mark of an incredibly caring and altruistic person, and Baizhu wanting to heal himself is something to be sympathized with, especially if you can relate to his pain.

This part in particular from his demo was so powerful to me: the defiance of his fate, of his death, and the display of his continued strength of will and resolve, and even skill in battle, no matter how physically weak he may be. Though he still has his doubts and his guilt, here he says "I will not die, I will beat the odds, and no one can decide my fate for me, nor can they shake my resolve."

All of this only made me love him more and more. I was hoping we would get to see his insecurities and fears about his condition and his possible fate, and that he would learn to allow himself to be cared for by those who loved him — to realize at least a little bit more that he will never be a burden on others, because the guilt over such things is all too real for someone with a disability or chronic illness. His non-spoiler voice lines were so comforting and hopeful, and I wanted his story to be hopeful as well, without going as far as to magically cure him like what unfortunately happened with Collei.

That was what I wanted. More or less, that was what I expected, especially with the copious other examples of the "overworked character learns they need to take a break and feel supported by the traveler" storyline in Genshin insert the waifu baizhu (waifzhu?) jokes here.

And then, I played Baizhu's story quest.

.....No image in the world can fully sum up exactly how I felt after that, but, well, I think Paimon here is the closest I can get.

I still remember it like it was yesterday. I remember standing there, at the bottom of the steps leading up to the pharmacy where the end of the quest left me, not knowing how to feel. Feeling completely numb. Feeling like I'd just gotten punched in the gut a million times over. Feeling sick. Call me overdramatic, too overly attached to fiction, whatever, but no words can possibly convey just how much the revelations about Baizhu in his quest fucked me up. I did not feel good for quite a few days after playing it, as it haunted me, as I turned it over and over again in my mind. Not just the information given itself, but how it was given; the entire tone of it all. At some point I was finally able to make myself cry, and it was only then that I felt at least marginally better. But I'd be lying if I said that I've ever truly and fully processed and let sunk in everything to do with Baizhu, even a year later.... and I doubt that I ever will.

Don't get me wrong: Baizhu's story quest is without a doubt one of the best story quests in the game so far, and that's not at all bias speaking. It's short, to the point, uses npcs effectively and in a way that helps develop the main character instead of taking all the spotlight over them, and it leaves setup for more story in the future. For a Baizhu fan, it's the best quality one could ask for. It's the most we've ever learned about him, the most screentime he's ever had, and it emotionally and tenderly shows exactly what kind of person he is, and why he is the way he is, and does the things he does.

It's also absolutely horrific, and to this day I'm still not entirely certain exactly what message the writers wanted the player to take away from it by the end.

The quest introduces us to a boy and his father, Ayu and Jialiang, the latter of whom Baizhu wishes to treat, partly as a personal favor to his late master and to said master's other past disciple, the mother of the family, Jiangli. Through Baizhu's handling of their case, and talking to Hu Tao, we learn that Baizhu is not only obsessed with attaining immortality, but that he supposedly uses less-than-reputable methods to heal patients, methods that he keeps tightly under wraps. This, along with all the strange research he does that seemingly has nothing to do with the medical field, has given him a suspicious reputation — the game subtly lampshading the fandom seeing him as nothing more than a sketchy snake doctor ever since the beginning — but no one has ever been able to dig deep enough to find any proof that he has any ulterior motives, not even Yelan; thus, the ultimate consensus is that he truly must be nothing more than a kind and benevolent doctor who has his patients' best interests at heart, no matter what else he's doing in the background. Upon Baizhu treating Jialiang for the first time, however, we’re directly confronted with this secret, dubious healing method he uses, and what exactly it means for Baizhu, as with all the masters that came before him.

To say my stomach dropped here would be an understatement, because I knew exactly what this meant. And sure enough, not a few minutes later in the quest, we get the dreaded truth:

Baizhu’s poor physical condition is not from natural causes; rather, he is as weak as he is because he’s made himself that way. Changsheng is a former adeptus he made a contract with, that allows the host to transfer some of their own life force from themselves to someone else, using Changsheng as the conduit. The contract is meant to strengthen the body of the host and extend their lifespan, however these advantages effects are outweighed by Baizhu, and all his predecessors before him, repeatedly giving away their life force to heal others, causing them to become frail and inevitably die young. The contract has always been used in this way, and all of its prior users all met the same untimely end; Baizhu is at no less risk of that.... which is why he wants to become immortal, so he can continue to heal people with the forbidden arte without fear of death.

This would already be a Lot as it is. Trading away one's life force to save another isn't exactly a brand new trope, but the idea of a doctor doing it over and over again to save lives when all else fails, even to the detriment of their own body.... It's the ultimate act of selflessness, of kindness, of sacrifice. It's touching. It's laudable. It's devastating, to a degree one can't even imagine.

Because Baizhu doesn't just stop there, as we find out at the end of the quest.

How do you expect me to read this—

and additionally this—

and also this...

...and not have it occupy my mind 24/7, sending me in a downward never-ending spiral of existential horror, for all of eternity?? just like Baizhu himself—

While it's heavily implied that all the contract users prior to Baizhu only ("only") used it one-way, to give their own life force to others, Baizhu has taken it a step further, and also been using Changsheng to transfer his patients' diseases and illnesses onto himself. This likely is a more effective way of "curing" some of them entirely, instead of simply delaying their symptoms' worsening with more life force, although he cannot take on the worst of them/terminal illnesses of course. But he has taken on so, so many, so many diseases and so many symptoms, all compounding and blending together to the point that Jiangli, another doctor just as skilled as Baizhu, cannot even distinguish them all or recognize some of them, that he might as well be terminal. Not only does Baizhu do this for the sake of his patients, but he's also using his body as a human petri dish, testing different diseases and poisons on himself to see how they interact with each other, both to create more effective medicines and understand the mechanisms of the human body better, and to perhaps find the secret to immortality.

This reveal at the end of the quest is presented as an awe-inspiring, poignant twist, that's meant to make you see Baizhu in a brand-new light. The animated cutscene is tear-jerking, bittersweet, yet beautiful, as we finally come to understand the full scope of just who Doctor Baizhu is, just how truly pure and selfless he is, and just how much he has sacrificed, and plans to sacrifice forevermore. Many people who weren't fans of Baizhu or were neutral on him had their minds completely changed upon this bombshell being dropped, it rightfully clearing away any and all misunderstandings about him somehow being a bad person, and fostering newfound respect for him. That's the best word to use for how the game portrays all this: respectable. Baizhu's situation is tragic, but his actions are nevertheless shown and seen as beautiful, and admirable. His self-sacrifice is to be praised, and honored, because he is doing it for the good of so many others, because his heart is just that big, and that caring. It's bittersweet, but Baizhu is determined, and we should respect his resolve.

But should we really?

Yelan would disagree, I believe. Which is ironic, considering that in her own story quest, Baizhu transfers poison into himself from Uncle Tian with her there, and she is none the wiser.

Just... really stop and think about the implications of what Baizhu is doing to himself, and the life he lives. Try to imagine it, how it would feel, to be inundated with that many diseases and toxins, to the point that all of your internal organs are diseased; to the point that you have every symptom imaginable, sometimes all at once. Now, take that, and imagine living that kind of hell with it progressively worsening, for all of eternity, as Baizhu wants to do.

You can't fathom it. To say that it's beyond human comprehension is an understatement. And yet, that is Baizhu's reality, every single day, and if he has his way, for the rest of time.

This is not okay.

What truly frightens me about Baizhu, is how.... empty he feels. He is kind, gentle, nurturing, and a bit flamboyant and mischievous at times, but he has essentially no personality traits or life outside of "being a doctor". All of his voicelines involve him giving health advice, or looking after us or others, or discussing the troubles he encounters in the medical field, or his hobbies, which involve... making medicine. While there's nothing wrong per se with a doctor truly enjoying their job — it's what makes Baizhu such a good caretaker, after all — their life and personality never revolves entirely around that. People have their own lives outside of their professions, that don't involve said professions, even the most enthusiastic and genuine of workers. But Baizhu..... doesn't have anything else. For Baizhu, being a doctor is all that he is.

Nothing is more subtly chilling than this joke Changsheng makes (that gets reinforced by Paimon later), where she calls Baizhu her "mannequin" — and especially the way that Baizhu doesn't comment on it at all, merely continuing to look like a guilty child getting scolded for being reckless. Because a mannequin is an eerily accurate description of Baizhu: he is not a person of his own, but merely a vessel for her power. "Baizhu" does not exist outside of his role as a healer; he has no other life, no other aspirations, no other joys and things to care about, nothing. Even though he's a pillar in Liyue Harbor that is beloved by the community, especially by the children, he's also in a sense practically a ghost: he is never seen outside of taking care of people in some way, because he never lets anyone see him at his sickest, and he has no sense of self outside of that role as a doctor. He is distanced from everyone, almost as though he was already immortal.... he could die at any time, frighteningly easily, and to him, no one would notice or care. As depressing as it is, even Qiqi, a literal zombie, is more alive and has a much more fulfilling life at this point than Baizhu does.

Many of Baizhu's voicelines are dripping with casual self-deprecation, and others with extreme hypocrisy, where he will express frustration and disappointment at others not being diligent in taking care of themselves, completely oblivious to his own extreme levels of self-harm and self-sacrifice. Of course, as mentioned earlier, feelings of inadequacy and being a burden are tragically not unusual for someone with significant health problems, but it goes far, far beyond this for Baizhu, before he was ever ill — all the way back to his childhood. Baizhu's hometown was struck by a plague when he was young, from which he was seemingly one of the only survivors, and his obsession with wanting to save each and every life he comes across that needs saving, no matter the cost to himself, is likely born from the trauma and extreme survivor's guilt that the event instilled in him. It was during this plague that he encountered his former master, and in training under and being influenced by him, he adopted these harmful mentalities (through no fault of his or his master, to be clear), without ever being given any other way to cope with his pain, other than to do everything in his power to never let anyone else die ever again.

Again, Yanfei sums it up best.

The true tragedy of Baizhu is that, although he wholeheartedly agrees with his late master's sentiment, and truly believes that he himself is headed down a different path from his predecessors, at the end of the day, he is no different from them, nor is his chosen path any different from theirs. As he states, those with the most altruistic and purest of hearts are the ones seduced by the contract, and he, too, has fallen victim to Changsheng's siren song: the allure of reaching beyond human means to prevent death. He believes he has found the solution to the conundrum of saving both the world at large and the one doing the saving, but he's merely fallen into the trap just like all the others: even if he doesn't die, he is still sacrificing himself, cursing himself to a fate unimaginably worse than death itself. After all, as he says, the contract can't erase pain from the world entirely, but merely transfer it from one place to another, and Baizhu is living proof of that. If his master could see what he's doing, he most definitely would be heartbroken at the "answer" Baizhu has found, because a life isn't saved if it's merely surviving, and not living.

All of this began from Baizhu, selfless and benevolent as he is, wishing to save a snake. Changsheng is a dear friend, a being so closely intertwined with his very soul, and his closest connection to his late master, and yet she is also the very thing that's killing him, and will inevitably be his doom, in whichever way that comes. Baizhu being who he is means he will never abandon her, and Changsheng will never leave him as well, her worry over the fate of her host overwhelmed by her fear of death and her desire to live on, which is how the contract has persisted for six generations. It is a toxic bond, and yet their care for each other is too great, both parties accepting the misery that awaits them. Changsheng knows that any of the cycles could be her last, but cannot help but seek out new ones in order to continue living — and Baizhu intends to make that "last" be a reality, by living forever, to make sure that Changsheng will also never die, but also that no one else can take on the contract after him. He wants his cake and to eat it too, wishing to save anyone and everyone — and he fully believes that he can. He believes that he is headed towards the light of the moon, escaping the flames of the sun.

But the moon is still ever-so-far away regardless. Perhaps even impossible to reach, if Teyvat's sky truly is fake. No matter where he aims, even if he isn't burned, Baizhu is destined to fall eventually, if he keeps going the way he is. Many people have tried to warn him, to convince him that immortality isn't what he deserves, to convince him of how much he's loved... but Baizhu is too stubborn; too, ironically, selfish in his selflessness. He insists he has everything under control, that he won't let himself die... but how can anyone believe that, when all the signs suggest that he's already on death's door? And even if he does get his wish, and be granted immortality, will he truly be content like he thinks he will, endlessly suffering with only Changsheng by his side?

I don't think the writers ever intended to glorify Baizhu's actions, or at least, I don't think it occurred to them that it could be read in that way. I do still mean it when I say he is one of the best-written characters in the game, because there is so much care given to him in his story quest and to his lore, even if, frustratingly and tragically, Hoyoverse as a whole doesn't seem to care about him at all. He's so fun to play as, and in isolation, it makes me very happy to have a canonically disabled playable character. But I'm also so, so haunted by him, and I think more people would be as well, if the game didn't gloss over the incredibly bleak reality of Baizhu and his symptoms due to the overall lighthearted tone of Genshin. I desperately need to see where they're going to take his arc, if they intend to at all, because there is so much potential for it, and right now it's very much up in the air. I don't want him to die, as I fear he's close to, but I need him to heal, and finally learn that he's done enough, and that he can finally, finally, stop. Stop torturing himself, and finally accept for himself all the love he's given others for so long now, and live. I want Baizhu to live more than anything, and not the way he is now, nor as a cursed immortal. I want him to live, and thrive, and truly, unapologetically, be himself (whoever that "Baizhu" is), and be happy.

He already has someone worth living for, right here, aside from Changsheng. He has a daughter, a family, who love him, not to mention an entire city, and and I dearly wish he could realize that. I wish he could know how comforting he is to me and so many others, and how important he is to us, not because of what he can do, but because of his beautiful heart. 💔

Happy Birthday, Baizhu. Thank you for being such an incredible healer on my team, and I hope we'll see you in Chenyu Vale one day :')💚

#genshin impact #baizhu #meta #posting this so late at night but I WANTED TO MAKE IT FOR BAIZHU'S BIRTHDAY #FML FOR BEING SO LATE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #this man ruins me 👍 please everyone cry over him and have an existential crisis over him like i do daily #he is Not Okay #and i need him to be #hoyoverse when will you do him justice like he deserves!!!! when is his comeback!!! aughhh!!!!!!!!

[crtvirus]

Hai I'm sorry for the random ask immediately after the follow, but your "stannarrator anti" post speaks to me on such a level and I just wanted to say that I 100% agree.

As much as I love seeing different Narry interpretations, the consistent yoaification of this guy from people in the fandom who also HORRIBLY mischaracterize him is REALLY starting get my nuts in a twist.

I don't think anyone characterizes him perfectly. Narry's a pretty complex character to begin with. Not fully understanding his motivations is what makes him so interesting. But seeing people either make him an overly loving, devoted partner who would never hurt his precious Stanly uwu, or the most fucking evil, horrible, tyrannical man in existence who just straight up wants to abuse Stanley, kinda makes me think some of these people haven't actually played the game. Either that, or they COMPLETELY misinterpreted MANY aspects of it.

I'm obviously not the authority on Narrator characterizations, but I don't think some people who ship stannarrator realize just how unbearable the ship can become when Narrator, Stanley, or both of them are just like...awful in some way, you know? Like if you're gonna make them wildly OOC, the least you can do is make an AU or just straight up make your own OCs.

NO LITERALLY THIS. the fandom will mischaracterize the shit out of both stanley and the narrator in order to ship them and ignore every single other aspect of the game. you tell these people there are characters other than stanley and the narrator and a lot of the time they either don't know or simply don't care.

the fandom feels like a big game of telephone entirely separate from the source material. a lot of individuals seem like they've never even touched the base game, or even watched part of a playthrough. now, don't get me wrong, of course there's going to be SOME deviation from canon in the fandom because of concepts such as gijinkas; the narrator would likely never physically show himself because he's... the narrator. he's not meant to be a physical, visual asset. but that fandomization is mostly harmless and pales in comparison to the things people in the fandom are doing to deviate from his personality as a whole. the fact that people will just take one or two endings and bloat that aspect of him, i.e. seeing the countdown ending and making him into a cunning, tyrannical, heartless villain when that is not what he is. the narrator's entire personality is dependent on what you, as the player, do with him. he isn't innocent, but he's not entirely against you.

and as for the other side of it all, people will woobify both stanley and narrator so much, completely ignoring the fact that they are literally out to get eachother while being so, SO dependent on eachother. stanley and narrator don't HATE eachother, not at all; they're just constantly struggling between a power imbalance- the scales are tipping on either ones' favours constantly. there is instability, there are times in which the scales tip. that doesn't mean incompatibility or even ABUSE (don't even get me started on abuse ships, that's a whole other aspect of mischaracterization), but it certainly does mean that the ship isn't entirely sunshine and rainbows with nothing wrong. by all means have your AUs, but don't let those views overtake the actual game. stanley is also horrendously mischaracterized. he DOES have a personality within the game- granted, that's also influenced by the player, but that doesn't make him into a woobified "soft uwu boyfriend" for the narrator. a lot of the time he disobeys him- that's most of the premise of the game. stanley's existence isn't to be the narrator's boyfriend and i sincerely wish the fandom would realise that

#sorry for the additions i just have alot to say on this AHHHH #also dw about the asks i LOVEEEE asks like these

[spellboundbat]

Bullets & the Demolition Lovers

Hello everyone! Welcome to my analysis of the wonderful album 'I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love' by the band My Chemical Romance. This analysis consists of my interpretation of each song on the album, as well as the relationship they have with the Demolition Lovers. This is a project I started in the summer of 2023 as a way to better understand the story of the Demolition Lovers, whom I have loved since I proclaimed myself a fan of the band in 2021. It all began with a few videos on YouTube about Revenge (which I will recommend down below if someone is interested). I already knew the story of the Demolition Lovers, but only at a surface level. The videos introduced me to a deeper and more complete version of their story. This also opened the door to all the contradictions, theories, and interpretations that came with this story. I was so captivated by all of this that I decided to delve into this deep rabbit hole and create my own interpretation of the story, and that's how this first analysis was conceived (because there's still left Revenge's). This is a way to better understand this artistic product that I adore with all my heart and also to better comprehend the masterminds behind it. I hope you all enjoy it, both fans of the band and new people interested in this whole new world ♡ ☆SPANISH VERSION: https://spellboundbat.tumblr.com/private/738189905537220608/tumblr_3qij8SfTzrPPDo1BE

Disclaimer!

Although I will be providing verifiable sources with my statements (as well as clarifying when they are not 100% reliable), I will also be discussing subjective interpretations of the majority of the songs, which may be based on interpretations commonly accepted by the fandom or the artists, but that are ultimately guided by what I consider :D

Sources can be found throughout the entire analysis in keywords related to what is been talked about.

Sorry for repeating the word "song" 86 times, really, please accept my most sincere apologies.

This analysis is quite chaotic btw.

1. Romance

There's not much to analyze in this song. It's the album's intro. It barely lasts a minute and has no lyrics. It's an instrumental with a Spanish guitar played by Ray Toro. The song is a kind of adaptation of an even older 19th-century song called "Spanish Romance" or "Romance Anónimo" (or a thousand other names, there are too many names for this song).

Allegedly, the original piece appeared in the soundtrack of the movie Dawn of the Dead, and thanks to this, they included it here (the movie is very relevant to this album and to Gerard Way; it's one of his favorite movies, and later in the analysis, we'll notice more references). Now, I say 'allegedly' because I couldn't confirm this information. I found a group of people on Reddit talking about it, and even though I searched for the movie and the supposed time-stamp, I couldn't find it. But I trust the fans :D . So, we leave this information here.

2. Honey, this mirror isn’t big enough for the two of us.

Finally, let's begin, and with a quite strong one...

The narrator (our protagonist) begins by narrating his problems with alcohol and drugs, indicating a strong dependence on these substances. He also explains other self-destructive behaviors and routines, apparently he has been hanging out with ''friends'' who are not much of a good influence, a possible reference to vampires (we will touch on this topic later). In response to all of this, he states that this has been the life he has chosen and that he doesn't care about anything else anymore.

In addition to explaining all of this, it is implied that what he is narrating is part of a discussion with his partner, who does not seem to agree with his self-destructive behavior. They have many fights, and it's possible that this has become normal in their relationship.

Throughout the entire song, the protagonist keeps repeating these verses, but that seem to be antitheses of each other:

“And well, I find it hard to stay With the words you say Oh baby, let me in Oh baby, let me in’’

and,

“And you can cry all you want to I don't care how much You invest yourself in me We're not working out (we're not working out)’’

It's strange; these are two verses that come one right after the other, but nonetheless deliver two contradictory messages, right?

In one, it explains how, despite the pain caused by what his beloved is saying, he wants to enter and continue being part of her world, to continue the relationship. While the other has a tone of indifference, apathy, and insensitivity, revealing that no matter how much she tries, their relationship is not working.

But I feel that it is precisely these contradictory feelings that make this song so unique, soul-crushing and personal.

The protagonist's feelings are NOT coherent, and neither is his relationship. It's a turbulent relationship, just like everything else in his life.

After having dived into the vast world of super abusive couples (help), I started to notice that these kinds of strong and yet contradictory feelings are often recurring patterns. These relationships are not famous for their stability and coherence but for their explosiveness and codependency. I feel that this is what is explained here.

Our protagonist's life revolves around these themes: codependency and destruction, whether in his personal relationships or with what he consumes and the decisions he makes.

I forgot to mention that his beloved is cheating on him with his friends and HIS BROTHER, fjskahfsjkdhfjsdf...

But well, after so much elaborate analysis, we have the real and simplest interpretation from the author ¯\(ツ)/¯:

“This song is about sucking dick for cocaine.” Gerard Way, 2007

YOU'LL HAVE TO TAKE IT AS CANON, OK? ok...

3. Vampires will never hurt you

It's one of the first songs I heard from this album and one of my all-time favorites (for obvious reasons, *cough, cough* VAMPIRES *cough, cough*). And IT'S AMAZING, but kind of complex. I put a lot of effort into my draft analysis :D

ॐ ☆＊☆＊☆＊☆ ॐ

First, I would like to explain what the concept of "vampires" means in this album.

The vampires serve as a metaphor for toxic people in your life, bad influences who are only with you to take advantage of you. They are greedy and traitorous. This metaphor is not only explored in this album but in various eras of MCR (up to the present day :D !!!).

I mean, how could you not use vampires? They're very cool. According to a quote from an interview talking about 'Headfirst for Halos', Gerard says:

“That song [Headfirst for Halos] and ‘Vampires Will Never Hurt You’ both gave us a real sense of identity. They brought in the entire gothic thing. It was those songs that made people think we were a vampire band!”

And, being completely honest, that's very real. It happened to me too. That was one of the main reasons why I started liking this band djfksjdfkldsaf. LIKE, JUST LOOK AT THIS:

THEY WERE DRESSED AS VAMPIRES FOR THE OFFICIAL VIDEO!!!!

it looks like he doesn't even get old *sus*

TAKE A LOOK AT 2022 GERARD FCKING WAY. DARE I SAY, ICONIC. DID I FORGET TO MENTION THAT THE DUDE'S 46 YRS OLD?!?!?!?!?

...

Well, I've digressed, but we're back now...

Now, what happens in this song is as follows:

The story is once again set between a protagonist and his beloved.

He starts by telling his beloved that if "they" catch them, she should pierce his heart with a stake. He then wonders if the sun will tear their skin and if he will watch as the vampires rip her apart while biting and tearing their necks with their white and sharp fangs. He then desperately asks to be taken to a doctor or a church to extract his "poison" while begging his beloved to protect her own soul and, if necessary, to drive the stake through him.

I know all of this is too much, but don't worry, I'll explain it now.

For those who don't have much knowledge about vampires, everything narrated here are classic references to the stories of these beings.

First, the stake through the heart is a way to end vampires, which suggests that our protagonist has become one or is on the verge of becoming one (MEGA IMPORTANT FACT!!!). It is also mentioned how the sun is lethal for vampires (in most cases, because there are cases where they come out like a damn shiny Twilight vampire), and if humans find them and turn them into vampires and leave them in the sun, they will die.

Among other references, it is implied that both of them will die if she does not end it with him as soon as possible, as the monsters will only harm her if she stays with the protagonist.

In theory, that's what the song is about. It's like a classic horror story, with nods to our favorite blood-sucking monsters and it seems to end in tragedy (love it tho).

However, it gets more complicated and even better...

What I just described is the literal interpretation of this beautiful song. This song, like any form of art, can be analyzed literally (through text) or metaphorically (with interpretations and analyses of subtext, among other things). As I mentioned in my disclaimer, this is my interpretation of the song, based on the data I could gather and what I feel it conveys to me specifically.

Do you remember the meaning that vampires carry? Well, this is where the concept is going to be explored.

Our protagonist (similar to the protagonist of the previous song) has been hanging out and befriending these "vampires."

This is suggested by the line:

“We're hanging out with corpses, And driving in this hearse’’

Here, we confirm that vampires are not simple enemies; the protagonist had decided to hang out with them.

And it comes with its consequences; this has caused him a lot of harm, so much that it begins to affect his beloved.

[That's just like The Lost Boys (GREAT movie btw).]

He doesn't want her to end up badly, and she wants to fight for their love. She wants to help him so that they both get out of this problem together. That's why the song says:

“They come in pairs she said, "We'll shoot back holy water Like cheap whiskey, they're always there" ”

He feels remorse for his actions, wants to be purified, thinks about his love for her, how much he loves her, but he knows it's too late. He has also become one of them—a vampire. In our metaphor, this represents a turbulent and toxic person, which is the real harm he will do to her if they don't distance themselves. She would also become a self-destructive person, and both will end up digging their own graves.

But he doesn't want that. As the final and definitive proof of his unconditional love, he decides to ask her to end him to put the stake through his heart...

(Here, it could be argued whether it's in a literal sense, like she just dies, or that they simply cut ties and dissolve their relationship).

I love the parallel with the previous song. In both, the protagonist has become an unstable and toxic person, and this begins to affect their partner. However, while in one, the relationship becomes monstrous and they are miles away from saving it, in the other, the mutual love is still there, and they decide to separate instead of destroying each other.

Anyway,

I LOVE THIS SONG WITH ALL MY BEING. THIS TRAGIC VAMPIRIC LOVE STORY IS EVERYTHING MY HEART CRAVES <3.

4. Drowning Lessons

OUR FIRST SONG RELATED TO THE DEMOLITION LOVERS!

I must be honest, this song causes me too much confusion, and I still haven't fully deciphered it.

Nevertheless, I will try to explain what I have.

The song refers to certain events that repeat day after day in the life of our protagonist.

He imagines how he kills his beloved.

Yes, how he kills her.

Also, how he remembers that he will never be able to marry her.

These are the themes of the song put in the simplest way; the complicated part begins now.

We know that the song is related to their upcoming album, "Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge," thanks to the line:

"A thousand bodies piled up."

This is a direct reference to the story where the man Demolition Lover (for a lack of a better name?) has to kill 1,000 bad men to be reunited with his beloved.

But there are several problems that complicate everything:

By referencing the 1,000 men, we know that chronologically, this song has to take place after the events of the song "Demolition Lovers," but I don't know at what point in "Revenge" this song would fit in.

The song talks about how HE killed his beloved, which, if we include it in the revenge lore, changes its meaning completely. I don't know if within the lore, this should be considered as a metaphor (following the themes presented by this album so far) that he "killed" her by dragging her into the world of crime (the Demolition Lovers were a couple of criminals who supposedly died when the police caught them) or if we should take this literally and accept that the demolition lover killed his beloved, and he relives this event every day due to trauma.

I think, in the end, I will leave the analysis of the lore here and come back when I finish the one for Revenge, since I KNOW that this song is essential to understanding the true story of "Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge," but until I analyze it myself, I won't draw conclusions...

SPOILERS FOR THE MANGA OF NANA AHEAD! Why Nana? Because it haunts me everywhere; this story has affected my life too much (help).

Returning to the song, it reminds me too much of Ren Honjo, one of the characters from the anime and manga Nana.

Everything goes wrong with this character since you find out that he is based on Sid Vicious, the bassist of the Sex Pistols, FAMOUS (in part) BECAUSE HE WAS ACCUSED OF MURDERING HIS GIRLFRIEND NANCY SPUNGEN!!!!!!

It's just that Ai Yazawa didn't base it subtly; just look at them:

They both play the bass, have a padlock chain, and style their hair in the same way. IN THE SERIES, THEY KEEP SAYING HOW MUCH THEY RESEMBLE EACH OTHER; IT'S VERY DELIBERATE.

Well, what happens is that Ren has a relationship with Nana. And they are very, VERY toxic. Jealousy and possessiveness mixed with the explosiveness of their love are what most characterize their relationship.

And, there's a point in the manga, a very low moment for Ren, where he confesses that sometimes he fantasizes about killing Nana. If you're a fan and follow the manga, this moment really hits hard, especially if you know EVERYTHING their relationship has gone through.

Personally, listening to this song conveys feelings similar to those with the manga. It's such a delicate, horrible, but complex issue at the same time... But it's largely thanks to this complexity of conflicting feelings that gives them the status of great works of art. Representing humans in their most beautiful moments, but also having the ability to do so with their lowest points, gives the work an incredible sense of realism. The characters cease to be mere fiction to embody the stories of flesh-and-blood people.

...

I feel like I should also mention that the members of MCR say that this song is cursed, lol. And that's why they don't play it in concerts. They say this because the few times they have tried to play it, something always goes wrong (technical failures).

End of fun facts, we'll see each other again when it's time for the analysis of Revenge :D

5. Our Lady of Sorrows

I know we just went through a somewhat confusing song, but I'm sorry to inform you that this one surpasses it in levels of confusion :(

My brain almost exploded trying to understand what this song wanted to tell me.

But I think that's the essence of the song, that nothing fits and it doesn't make sense xd (I'll elaborate more on that later).

When I first heard it, without paying much attention to the lyrics, it gave me the feeling that it was a very sad and violent song, VERY VIOLENT. In the chorus, the guitars sound like freaking chainsaws, and there's a very strong feeling of sore throat from screaming so much, very metal.

And everything got worse with lines like:

"Just because my hand's around your throat"

LIKE, HE'S CHOKING THEM, WHAT ELSE DO THEY WANT ME TO THINK?!?!?

I was absolutely sure its meaning was going to be very intense.

Until it wasn't.

Later, I find out that it's a song about friendship. But not necessarily a turbulent or dangerous one like the other songs. No. A good and unconditional friendship.

Yes, I wasn't understanding anything, and my mind exploded.

Until I took the time to look up for interpretations from fans and the band on the internet, and now I consider it 100% an anthem to friendship and a very freaking beautiful song <3

How ironic life is, right?

Now I proceed to explain:

Apparently, Gerard at concerts, when he's about to sing this song, always says something like: "You probably came with your best friend or one of your best friends... I want you to turn to that motherf--ker, grab him by the throat and say, 'You're my best f--king friend, and I would die for you!'."

Also, when they say the lines in the chorus:

"Stand up f--king tall, don't let them see your back,"

and,

"Take my f--king hand and never be afraid again,"

It refers to the fact that there are people in the world who will want to mess with you, that life itself will mess with you; but if you have your friends there, then you'll be fine. They will be with you and do whatever it takes for you, to help you, because they love you.

This message is often repeated in MCR's overall proposal when dealing with dark themes; where one often feels abandoned, the band wants you to move forward, have a good support network, people, and things that make us happy and make us understand that life can be beautiful too (this is also linked to the creation of the band, but we'll leave that for later).

This song has been adopted by the fandom almost as an anthem, symbolizing our fraternity and unity <3.

Now, about the lines and the general violent feeling of the song, I have to say two things:

Like, now having the context about the meaning of friendship and what Gee usually says at concerts, the violent lines don't sound SOOO absurd. I mean, there are times when friends joke like that. But it's still kinda weird without context, bro.

Ray Toro, My Chemical Romance's lead guitarist, wrote the music and brought it to Gerard, who wrote the lyrics. "It fitted because it didn’t really fit," Gerard recalled in Tom Bryant's Not the Life It Seems: The True Lives of My Chemical Romance. "That was something we always wanted to do – to put songs together that shouldn’t work together but do. This song was really aggro and metal...'' Now, it makes more sense that it sounds violent, right?

Before moving on to fun facts, I would like to mention how I believe there is more meaning than I explained in the song, possibly one more related to the religious parallelism it carries. But since this has already messed up so much with my mind , I'll stick with the conclusion I brought, which is usually the meaning that comes to my mind when I think of this song.

Now, to finish, fun facts:

The name "Our Lady of Sorrows" is a devotion to the Virgin Mary. If I remember correctly, I think it comes from the fact that Gee went to a Catholic elementary school (;-;) and they had a statue of this virgin.

I saw somewhere on the internet that the song is based on an experience Gerard had with a nun also in his Catholic elementary school (religious trauma? :0).

Gerard said that his favorite lyric ever is from this exact same track:

"Oh, how wrong we were to think that immortality meant never dying."

It's just beautiful.

A POSSIBLE REFERENCE TO THE SONG IN ONE OF THEIR MOST RECENT LOGOS??

6. Headfirst for Halos

Help, this song is pure depression (or does it help you with it?)

Well, it's because it's about it.

...

Depression and contemplation of suicide. Also, drug use:

"And now these red ones make me fly And the blue ones help me fall."

One referring to antidepressants and the other to drugs...

And it contains many allegories to the story of Peter Pan (with the "pixie dust" and the thinking happy thoughts to be able to fly). This may be because Gerard played Peter Pan in a play in elementary school jdjsfjdslkf.

Random photo of Frank as Peter Pan, lol.

The song is supposed to have started as a joke. They were high and having a blast. At first, Gerard thought:

''...this is the catchiest, popiest, stupidest shit I have ever heard''.

But as Gee continued with the song, he realized the potential it had and turned it into this genius piece, by adding the really dark lyrics to it.

It's worth noting that in his early 20s, he experienced issues with alcohol and drugs, as well as struggled with depressive episodes.

There's a quote of him that I like very much talking about this song, relating it to that topic:

Gerard: Really quick, just to save you some time, it’s a song about being really depressed, on a lot of anti-depressants, and wanting to kill yourself. But instead of doing that, I just wrote a song about it, so...that’s what you should do if you ever wanna kill yourself. Interviewer: Write a song? Gerard: Write a song about it.

...♡...

I believe that the line "Think happy thoughts" is one of the most poignant in this song. There are times when our minds are infested with intrusive thoughts that don't let us live in peace. There are other times when these thoughts are not just thoughts; they are also an illness. And having to live with this can make us desperately and endlessly repeat to ourselves, "Just think happy thoughts, happy thoughts..."

7. Skylines and Turnstiles

This was the first song ever written by MCR. Here, it talks to us about 9/11 (an event that led to the creation of the band) and the widespread feeling that was experienced across the world, especially among American youth, after the attack. Feelings of despair, loneliness, abandonment...

Feelings that this track perfectly encapsulates. It is a vivid description of what the traumatic event was for many.

I also believe it tells us a lot about its author, our dear Gerard Way: his desire to do something different that can help people, which awakened in him after witnessing this heartbreaking event and led him to deeply question everything he was doing at the moment, his job, his life, and the world in general.

This is evident in the line:

"And if the world needs something better Let's give them one more reason now."

This desire founded the band, and I think it has been fulfilled, as throughout all these years, they have helped millions of people with their music <3.

8. Early Sunsets Over Monroeville

“😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭’’.

Warning: This is one of the most emotionally painful songs on the album!

As with "Vampires Will Never Hurt You," this song is related to the undead, the protagonist's dilemma and his lover, references to pop culture, and literal and possible metaphorical meanings :)

It all begins as the protagonist describes beautiful sunrises and sunsets while holding hands with his beloved, imagining together that their life is perfect, like a movie.

Then, the ZOMBIE PLOT begins!!!

[This song is heavily based on the 1978 movie 'Dawn of the Dead,' one of Gerard's favorite films. Throughout these 5:05 mins, we will notice multiple references to the plot.]

To summarize, the couple tries to survive a zombie attack in a mall in Monroeville (as in the movie), but plot twist, the girl gets bitten. And here is where the dilemma comes in; the protagonist wonders if anyone notices or even cares about what's happening. He reproaches himself for not having the guts to end what was once his beloved.

Here arises a moral dilemma similar to that in "Vampires," "Do I shoot her or not? Do I end her life? Can we even call it 'life' anymore? She's not here anymore, right?..."

I guess it could also be given a metaphorical analysis; I feel it could take on a meaning similar to "Vampires" itself, after all, I've highlighted multiple parallels between the two songs... The problem is that I think they need to represent different themes for me.

Let me explain, I wouldn't want the two songs to be exactly the same, I want the emotions they convey to be different. That's why I'm reluctant to give them the same interpretation. That's also why I was racking my brain looking for other possible metaphorical meanings until I gave up. I also didn't want it to turn into finding pretentious meanings just for the sake of having them. I wanted what I wrote here to be what I felt when listening to it. So, for this reason, it won't have (from my side) a metaphorical analysis.

(I forgot to mention that theoretically, it could also be analyzed in terms of social critique; but as I stated before, personally it'll just feel really forced if I do that, really like that feeling of tragic romance too. However, the possibility is still there, and for those interested, they can read this post idk: https://oneweekoneband.tumblr.com/post/149709926794/theres-a-corpse-in-this-bed-early-sunsets-over).

Now, for me, if this song doesn't carry another meaning that isn't so connected with everyday life without zombies, how can it be so heartbreaking? Ahhhhh, good question :D , here comes the other reason why this song is great... The interpretation.

I mean, listen to it again, now more attentively. You feel a ballad-type song with beautiful poetry, descriptions that can get personal without necessarily identifying with the need to kill your zombie girlfriend, melancholy, nostalgia, it's all there. And, what for me hits the nail on the head perfectly: Gerard Way's voice and emotion with his performance. It's simply heartbreaking.

This is what makes it one of the most emotionally painful songs without the need to explain them metaphorically. The literal explanation, the one about the 1978 zombies, works to make you burst into tears, and that's magnificent.

Time for some fun facts:

This started out as a tender ballad, but producer Geoff Rickly sensed there was something darker brewing under the surface and encouraged Gerard to tap into it. "Just go with what's inside your head. Don't even listen to the music," Rickly recalled telling him before his explosive performance. The producer told MCR biographer Tom Bryant (Not the Life It Seems: The True Lives of My Chemical Romance) the rest of the band was left shaken in the aftermath of the rage-fueled session. "Afterwards, everybody just left and went outside to smoke cigarettes because they couldn't deal with looking at him after he had sung that," he explained. "He had just ripped himself open in front of everybody. He'd taken it so far that it was uncomfortable for anyone who was friends with him. They hadn’t seen him as Gerard the singer, they still saw him as their buddy Gerard. It's a little scary to see someone do what he did."

(This song gives me vibes of a sad AU on AO3 for some reason)

9. This is the best day ever

This song is about our protagonist who is in the hospital and meets a patient, and they fall in love. They promise each other that they will escape from the hospital together, and when that day comes, it will be the best day of their lives.

Now, I have enough evidence to start suspecting the existence of the girl in question. First, we know that the protagonist is sick; we don't know the type of illness, but what we do know is that his time in the hospital has affected him mentally (whether it has worsened any mental issues he already had or if his time in the hospital has caused it). He is not mentally well, suffering a lot of stress, which may possibly lead to hallucinations 🤨. However, everything becomes even stranger when one hears the following line that are repeated a couple of times during the song:

"Well, I thought I heard you say, 'I like you, we can get out, We don't have to stay, stay inside this place.'"

CLEARLY, HE IS SO DISORIENTED THAT HE IS NOT EVEN SURE IF THE GIRL SAID THAT, but his pain and stress inside the hospital are so intense that he ends up inventing a whole story in his head, poor thing.

(Obviously, I know nothing about mental health issues, and maybe I'm completely off, but well, I think the song is more interesting this way).

10. Cubicles

oh shit. i love this fucking song so much…

Ok, in summary, it's about the protagonist's crush at work who never paid attention to him and then left the office. The protagonist talks about how he had her absolutely idealized, both her and a hypothetical relationship.

When he faces reality, where she doesn't even notice him and leaves work just like that, he collapses. He sinks into his intrusive thoughts, repeating to himself that nobody notices him, feels him, or cares about him. He's tired of the same routine, obsessing over someone, and it ultimately leading nowhere. Until he thinks he'll die alone, won't do anything with his life, and will just die someday. At a very low point, he confesses that he "prefers" to die alone, or at least to just die.

It's simply devastating. It's the fucking idealization of life and relationships, and how living with these expectations leads us to believe in a story that isn't real and drown ourselves in our own misery.

It reminds me of a VERY good video essay on YouTube that is the best thing that has happened to me, and I recommend it to everyone. It deals with the same theme, of course, in more depth. WATCH IT :D

AND NOW, FINALLY, it's time for our last and most awaited song...

11. Demolition Lovers

This is one of the longest and most beautiful songs (yes, I said it) in all of MCR.

It's iconic. The beginning of Revenge and the creation of one of the most relevant emo tragic love stories.

It's practically the story that the average fan of the band knows:

Two characters. They are a couple. Apparently, with no given names, only known as the Demolition Lovers. A kind of Bonnie and Clyde criminal couple on the run. In the end, a story with a tragic romantic "ending", them escaping from the police, ending their days in a hail of bullets and a pool of blood (from a shooting, in other words) where they profess how much they love each other as they gaze at one another in their last breaths.

Throughout the song, the protagonist tries to emphasize A LOT how much he loves her and that he would do EVERYTHING to prove his love to her. He recounts that after everything they went through and everything they put each other through (reference to "Drowning Lessons"?), he just wants to end up with her (the entire plot of Revenge, basically).

[Can we please take a moment to admire how beautiful this song is musically speaking? I don't know much about music like a musician does, I just mean that this song is BEAUTIFUL, and that abrupt pause in the middle with the guitar is ART>>>>>>>] *end of intermission*

I would like to highlight a couple of things and lines from this song that I think will be key or can be better understood when I do the future analysis of Revenge:

As I briefly highlighted, their relationship was also (of course, lol) turbulent; it may share certain themes with the couples from the other songs, thanks to the verse:

"I'm trying, I'm trying To let you know just how much you mean to me And after all the things we put each other through and’’

He is desperate to prove himself to his beloved, SO BAD that I don't think it's in a conventional way. It is SO prominent throughout the entire song that it raises many doubts for me. What exactly went wrong? What exactly does the Demolition Lover girl think about this? And the BIG question that "Drowning Lessons" left us with... did he kill her? dun, dun, DUN… ~*suspense*~ ...

◦ Conclusion <3

I love how this album keeps bringing up the same themes and discourses throughout its 11 songs. On the one hand, we could think of them as connected, and that it's really the same story, but I think that would be too fucking much. I believe that after so much analysis (for now), the only songs that have a direct connection to the story of the Demolition Lovers are "Drowning Lessons" and, obviously, "Demolition Lovers."

But that doesn't take away from the fact that, in MESSAGE , many are still connected. This reminds me of an anthology of different stories, like books or series. They can be told together but are not necessarily interconnected per se; their motives and meanings are.

I think this is what makes me feel this album with its interpretation, lyrics, and stories, an anthology of conceptual songs strongly based on horror stories with tragic tones and gothic romances that also let us see more about its author, understand him better, since, after all, art is a reflection of the artist and their experiences.

Bullets talks to me about idealization and disillusionment, helplessness, angst, anger, illness, loneliness, toxic people, but also about love and eternal friendship, those who genuinely appreciate you...

Bullets allows me to indulge into and experience each of these themes for myself and brings to the table a very important conversation about ourselves. We are not perfect, we are all full of flaws, and that's okay; we can all become reckless bullets that hurt our loved ones or even ourselves by piercing them with painful "truths" and destructive behaviors. This is what the main metaphor of this album, the "bullets," means to me. And as the beautiful ending reiterates to the point of exhaustion:

“all we are, all we are is bullets, I mean this’’ ♡‌

This is my take on this album: beautiful musical ( and even literary) pieces filled with stories about turbulent, passionate, chaotic, and chemical romances...

♡+:;;:+♫+:;;:+♡+:;;:+♫+:;;:+♡+:;;:+♫+:;;:+♡

My utmost respect to anyone who has read this complete analysis; it took me quite a while to do it (me and my hyperfixations ¯\(ツ)/¯). I hope it has been enjoyable and miraculously made someone love this amazing band even more <3

Any criticism or discussion you'd like to have, feel free to engage; I'd be more than happy :D

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

★ Some videos and accounts that were of great help, reference, and inspiration for me to do this: @mieux-de-se-taire thanks very much for the interview transcriptions.

★ Here am tagging mutuals that might be interested in this:

@sofaaac

@infinatenoise

@inahailofbulletz

@mychemicalfaggotry

★ See you all on my next in-depth analysis on Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge! The real beginning of the story we all know and love (well, not quite like that tbh)...

#Spotify #my chemical romance #mcr #i brought you my bullets you brought me your love #bullets mcr #music analysis #demoliton lovers #gerard way #ray toro #frank iero #mikey way #bullets #Youtube

[organ-market]

Weird White Men That Defy Classification: The Television Genre

How To with John Wilson, 2020

When you sit down to watch an episode of television it’s a real shot in the dark, you pray to find something truly special yet you brace yourself for potential mediocrity. The day I took a chance on 2020’s How To with John Wilson I sat on my couch, eyes glued to the screen, absolutely mesmerized. For those not in the know, How To with John Wilson is this odd thing that exists, it follows the daily exploits of New Yorker, John Wilson, as he goes around the city showing us how to do a certain task. At the same time it is absolutely not a walkthrough tutorial as rarely will I be able to execute the task described by the title card by the end of each episode. Likewise, the show isn’t really about the man named John Wilson as much as it is a lovely stroll through the people he meets on the street, the charming places he explores, and the little glitches in the matrix that stand out to him.

A typical episode of the show is more like a flowing conversation than a narrative arc, it branches out from its origins to go someplace entirely foreign and new. An episode about wine tasting leads to Bang energy drinks, scented bowling balls, and a lavish mansion party complete with historical wardrobe. John Wilson frequently interviews the everyday people on the street that we’ve all spent our lives passing by. He often highlights little niches in the city as he brings us to a fan club infatuated with James Cameron’s Avatar who go as far to learn the language and in another episode we explore the first ever Mandela Effect Convention. No matter how odd, John Wilson treats these spaces with respect and gives off an eager enthusiasm to learn more.

It is a show that defies classification and genre conventions. Sure it is technically a documentary but the genre usually insinuates an informative motive which is hardly the case for How To with John Wilson. If the show isn’t intending on spewing a steady stream of factual information then is it a reality television show which markets itself primarily on entertainment? Well, while thoroughly entertaining, John Wilson’s nasally narration and awkward insights aren’t the traditional host. It is a comedy that had me constantly laughing throughout its runtime and yet it is interested in so much more than just giving the audience a chuckle. Try as I might, I could not place this show in a box and I adore that about it, and in my search for quality programming I’ve found some other shows that similarly leapt out of each box I put it in. The only connection between all them besides having my undying adoration is that they prominently feature weird, extremely awkward white men talking at you.

The Rehearsal, 2022

Nathan Fielder’s 2013 comedy hit, Nathan For You, had me flabbergasted by its absurdity and awkward wit. While more clearly defined in the square labels of comedy there is something about Nathan Fielder’s persona that makes you want to unpack whatever the hell is going there. Nathan For You follows Nathan Fielder, a graduate from one of Canada’s top business schools, as he gives out business advice to real life struggling local businesses in the Los Angeles area. The only thing is, he's awkward and his solutions to their problems often read more like goofy schemes out of a cartoon than sound business advice. There is a mix of reality and fabrication as you are never really sure if what Nathan is saying is sincere or not as he constantly gives half truths and lies to the audience, the people around him, and perhaps himself all at the same time. His outlandish persona is juxtaposed with the business owners who reluctantly go along with his plots and blatantly unpolished ideas. One episode has discount Santa Claus pictures in the summer following the idea of how jackets are cheaper during the summer season.

The little oddities in Nathan For You become the core focus of Nathan Fielder’s latest TV venture. 2022’s The Rehearsal vehemently defies classification, it expands on his persona established in his previous work and blends reality and fabrication to a new degree. The premise of the show is a bit difficult to even explain, like Nathan For You he helps everyday people but rather than giving business counsel he allows real people to “rehearse” a scenario. Some episodes involve having a difficult conversation with a friend or simulating what it’s like to raise a child. It’s still a documentary, reality comedy but there is an earnest dedication to recreating and simulating the conversations and scenarios Nathan clients demand. Nathan creates an exact replica of a bar in episode one of the series, stains and all, in another he fabricates a relationship between one of his client’s and an actor posing as another actor’s grandfather to recreate something as abstract as feelings. This is a show that dissects the reality of its own production, peeling open layer after layer leaving us with something entirely unique.

In that way The Rehearsal is oddly transparent about its own continued creation, Nathan is open to showing us the monitors behind the scenes, the child labor laws that cause Nathan to have multiple actors for the same child, and the fact that extras can't talk which forces Nathan to have a completely silent birthday party in one episode. It is constantly reopening its own veins and reinventing itself, the core premise is under constant development as the show goes on. It’s an entertainment Frankenstein of mismatched ideas and concepts all slamming into each other creating dichotomy after dichotomy. Nathan draws out the acting we all do in everyday life through a show about rehearsing while Nathan is simultaneously playing a character. And yet sometimes he acts with such a sincerity the audience never knows what to expect. The final episode of The Rehearsal is absolutely dizzying in its conundrum, the lines of reality become marred as we follow a child actor who’s too young to even know he’s acting and Nathan being forced to confront this blatant contradiction. It is a supremely daunting task to write about that final episode and honestly I can barely wrap my head around it. I don’t want to spoil it too much but it is unlike anything I have ever seen and I highly encourage you to give The Rehearsal a chance.

Joe Pera Talks with You, 2018

The final show in this little bundle of uncategorizable strangeness is Adult Swim’s Joe Pera Talks with You from 2018. It’s the only show on here I haven’t finished as I remain in the midst of season 2, hoping to really take it slow and appreciate every little moment but rest assured from episode one I was absolutely hooked. Like How To with John Wilson the premise is much more slice of life but unlike the other two, this is completely scripted. It’s offbeat and awkward as the titular Joe Pera excitedly talks about whatever is on his mind in a somehow passionate monotone. Things just seem to happen the way our everyday happenings occur. There comes a ringing at the doorbell that introduces a new cast of characters or a conga line waiting to be partaken in. Inside of these natural happenings is delivered a wonderful simplicity, Joe Pera Talks with You ignores the narrative necessity for conflict during the majority of its runtime. I often braced myself for a cringe inducing failure in moments where Joe Pera is forced to dance or when he’s reading the church announcements. Miraculously, he never trips and falls or gets booed off the stage and although not everyone he interacts with is always happy to meet him, he doesn’t seem to mind one bit. 

That might be my favorite thing about Joe Pera, his unconventional happiness that is soothing to my occasionally anguished soul. Whenever life beats me down I just turn on an episode of Joe Pera Talks with You, his indifference to people’s expectations of what a good life is supposed to resemble reassures me that everything is going to be alright. It reassures me that I am enough. It’s a message I’m not used to when consuming media, much less a show that aired on Adult Swim. It is heartfelt and simple and enough to fill my heart and lull me into a lazy night after even the most stressful of afternoons.

I do hope at least one person reading this takes a shot in the dark and watches an awkward white man talk to them for about half an hour. These are all delightful shows that oddly feel, at least for me, paired together despite their differences. Season 3 of How To with John Wilson premiers July 28, 2023 and I for one am absolutely stoked for what this man tells me next. There’s talk of a second season of The Rehearsal in the works as well. I implore you to check at least one of these shows out! If you see any awkward white men talking about interesting things do let me know so I can grab my popcorn, thanks in advance and stay tuned besties <3

-Ghost Emoji 👻

#organmart #om-ghostemoji #personal essay #writing #how to with john wilson #nathan fielder #nathan for you #the rehearsal #joe pera #joe pera talks with you #tv #tv recommendations

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Another World Ogiri March 2023 [What are Tikal and Chaos doing...? ]

When I let my beloved daughter take over the soba restaurant, it was turned into a pizza shop the next day.

When I let my beloved daughter take over the soba restaurant, it was turned into a pizza shop the next day.

Two characters appear every month in surprising outfits and situations! Let's enjoy Ogiri together with illustrations that will make your imagination run wild!

This time, Tikal, the pizza shop's signboard girl, will be joined by Chaos, who makes pizza with artisan skills!

It seems like the impossibly happy aura of the two and the enthusiasm of the delicious pizza can be felt beyond the screen.

The example story was quite surreal (Father, Pachacama...!), but what kind of lines or narration would you use?

You can set it up with the two's usual atmosphere and worldview, or you can make it bold... Enjoy it freely and tweet with the tag #Isekai Ogiri on Twitter ♪

We will introduce the good ones in a reply from Sonic's official Twitter account.

We are looking forward to your fun Ogiri posts!

Act3: “Satisfied Paradise”

"Welcome! Please take an empty seat."

``CHAO's Diner'' is a pizza restaurant that has been operating in the mountains of Mystic Lewin for some time.

This popular shop, located between the village of the wild echidna "Knuckles tribe" and the home of the mysterious creatures "Chao" who live in waterholes, is run by Tikal, the daughter of the Knuckles tribe chief, and the hearts of the Chao's. Gentle guardians...Two of the water creatures "Chaos".

Today, Tikal cheerfully greets customers, and Kaos deftly makes pizza with his outstretched arms. The specialty here is the piping hot special pizza made with Chao and his friends' favorite red fruits. The taste of this pizza and Tikal's cheerful customer service have earned a reputation, and the restaurant is always crowded with Chao and Knuckles people.

Although CHAO's Diner is such a wonderful place, there were some difficulties when it first opened. When Tikal remembers the past, he can't help but chuckle as he catches a glimpse of the chaos silently making pizza.

The Knuckles tribe is brutal and arrogant. Chaos was wary of them lest they harm Chao and the others.

They came in large numbers and walked around the store, making a fuss without paying any heed to the previous customers. When Chaos rushes out angrily, Tikal intervenes and intercedes...

One day...Chaos made a new pizza that was very popular with Chao and his friends...and the Knuckles tribe as well. This pizza served as a bridge and brought everyone together.

The Knuckles tribe began to respect Chaos, and began to treat the Chao people with love as well, who loved the same masterpiece. And the chaos... As soon as I saw their smiles, all the worries in my heart disappeared.

I still can't forget the joy I felt at that time. If you treat someone with sincerity, you can open up to anyone someday. That's certainly what I thought.

Relive that excitement once again...

Since then, the two have been thinking about a new pizza every day, and last night they finally completed it! Today is the day of its unveiling.

A special dough made with seven red berries, fresh basil, and melted cheese. Everyone will love it. The two of them were nervous as they waited for the baking to finish...

<<Gashaan! >>

Suddenly, there was the sound of plates breaking from the audience. You can also hear the roar of the guests and the cries of Chao.

"W-what happened!? No way...!"

Tikal rushes out in a panic. This hasn't happened for a long time...!

When she rushed in, she saw Chao crying after dropping a plate and breaking it, and the Knuckles tribe gently cradling Chao while cleaning up the broken plate.

Tikal sighs with relief.

It was. There are no more disputes in this store. Because now everyone wants to open up and enjoy delicious pizza together in a gentle manner...

“!?”

A fragrant scent immediately flows into it. Who ordered it? It doesn't belong to anyone...it belongs to everyone! Chaos quietly arrives with a new pizza and serves it to everyone.

I've been waiting! As if to say that, the Knuckles tribe and Chao, who had been crying, smiled and bit into it.

"Ah! It's all over my heart and soul!"

"Ciao chao!"

Everyone was overjoyed. Great success! Tikal turns around. Chaos slowly nods back.

Until now and forever. This restaurant for two people has always been fine. When Tikal and his friends returned to the kitchen with these thoughts in mind...

As if to dissolve it, a white mist enveloped the area...

Before you know it, the gatherings and conversations at the store fade away, and eventually the fog thins out... There is only the Master Emerald, which flickers slowly as if asleep, and the ruins of its altar.

And when even the lingering scent, which had no place to go, disappeared, a heavy silence filled this paradise ruins.

"Everything disappears..."

Angel Island, which was supposed to be floating in the sky, has descended to the ground, and a mysterious white mist surrounds the altar, creating a mysterious scene...

Tikal and Chaos work in a happiness that is far from the reality of the past. Knuckles and Chao are good friends. Was the fleeting paradise I had just seen real or a dream?

Judging from the atmosphere of the store, it doesn't seem to be a vision of the time when Tikal and his friends lived... but the mystery only deepens with the fog.

The more you know, the more new mysteries this world reveals.

#Sonic #Otherworld Comedy #Tikal The Echidna #Chaos #Chao #Sonic Channel