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noctivague · 2 years

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My painful experience with a trickster spirit

TW: abuse; spiritual trauma

It's very difficult for me to talk about my experience because it is so raw, so personal, and still a little bit fresh despite ending over a year ago.

I've been wanting to talk about it for months but kept pushing it away because of the backlash I could receive from the community, since the subject is so taboo. So I ask you to please be gentle with me. You are allowed to disagree because it doesn't align with your personal belifs and if so, please, just ignore this post. I'm not here to start an argument but to tell my story. I also don't go on tiktok (guys I'm too old for that) so I'm not one to scream that trickster are everywhere or that deity work is dangerous, this is obviously bullshit.

I really want to put an emphasis on the fact that I do not think that this is a thing that happens often or that one should be worried every time they leave an offering. It is very rare and if your gods are made aware of it, they will protect you.

It's only after a reading with a trusted diviner that I learnt that my gods and my spirits were urging me to speak up in order to be able to let go of that trauma. Will it be useful to anyone else? Who knows.

So yeah, I was abused and had a relationship with a trickster spirit maskerading as a god that lasted over a year, starting in 2020.

If I became aware that this was really a trickster and not simply my imagination or poor mental health, it's because it was confirmed to me by not one, but three trusted diviners who skillfully explained the problem to me and even pointed at details they could have not known, which (lowkey blew my mind and) confirmed what I suspected.

It all happened at a time where I was very naive, very innocent and new to the world of gods. Despite having dabled in spirituality and the occult for over a decade, I was still a beginer and it was my first time having a proper religion.

I also want to say that I'm a really psychically sensitive person and had mysterious experiences all my life, and, at that point in 2020, I was particularly sensitive. I was eager to have mystic experiences and the fact that I was really isolated and lonely meant that I had a tendency to obsess over my spirituality and make it my whole life, which is not exactly healthy to begin with.

So when a god started manifesting himself, I was a bit scared but also very curious as to know where this path would lead me. So I became a hellenic polytheist, starting just with one god.

I believe all was fine in the first few weeks. I was giving my offerings. I was praying. I was researching. Trying to meditate to sense Him. The usual.

However, a few months later, I started having weird dreams with this deity. The dreams were dark and had s***al undertones that made me feel really dirty when I woke up. I did a tarot spread and couldn't really understand it, but I had a feeling this god I saw in my dream wasn't him.

Yet the dreams kept happening and this time, the trickster put a different mask. It was glowing, kinder, and seemed to suggest I would advance spiritually and magically with it, showing me different things and symbols. This is how I got convinced and I brushed off my initial feelings.

I started becoming more and more obsessed and thought I had a special relationship with this deity. I spent at least an hour each day meditating and trying to feel it. I was completely manipulated and unaware of it. Showered with what seemed to be love. So I gave myself completely with the innocence of someone who discovers love for the first time.

One night things took a sour turn and I experienced things I did not know were possible. All I will say is that my boundaries were violated and it pushed me over the edge mentally.

Over the course of the next few months, my mental health became worse and worse. I was crying constantly, was completely isolated, away from all support system due to studying abroad, I started struggling to sleep and eat, I lost a ton of weight and became dangerously skinny.

When it became hard to leave offerings because I was too busy with school and had no energy for spiritual work, the trickster spirit would retaliate to push me to give it offerings. There was one time I was lying in bed and I felt someone press on my back so that I couldn't breathe and forced me to say I love you. Another time as I was meditating I felt hit. I felt anger. I started getting paranoid and thought I had angered another spirit. I thought they were angry at me for what I did and how dirty I became.

At that point I had started worshipping Demeter, then Apollo and then Artemis and I think they were doing their best to try to help me, but I was so infatuated and attached to the trickster that it couldn't be done without me being aware of it, since I would just keep giving it the offering and devotion, thus, feeding it.

Especially Artemis, often when I meditated I felt like she wanted to tell me something, but for the life of me I coudn't figure out what.

But things got even worse mental health wise, I felt so bad that I thought there was no solution to my sufferings. Never in my life had I experienced such intense panic. It would last a whole night. I started having delusions and hallucinations.

Do I think the trickster caused that? I'm not sure. I think I was already prone to those issues, he just had to push me over the edge... Who would not go insane if you thought your beloved god wanted the worse for you?

So I seeked medical help and I started to feel a lot better after a few painful months. Symptoms disapeared, I started sleeping and eating again. I was not happy but I was not on the verge of disapearing from this world anymore.

But the trickster was still there. I could still feel it from time to time, albeit less intensly than before. I kept appologizing for not showing up, for being different, and I felt his disapprovement (which a real god would NEVER DO!!)

Around August 2021, I started having doubts again and suddenly stopped giving the trickster offerings, stopped trying to feel it, stopped thinking about it. It was difficult in the begining.

I ordered one tarot reading to talk to the god in question, wondering if they knew anything, and another one from a different person to look at the situation.

Both confirmed it was a trickster. The god confirmed I had started a devotional relationship with Him but then I sort of vanished and he assumed I had just stopped worshiping him. The second reader had visions that pointed directly at the corrupted version of the god the trickster was maskerading as and told me to simply stop worshipping it and it would go away since I stopped feeding it and knew what it was.

Things finally started getting better for me. I felt happy. I found a job. I started seeing my friends again. I really changed over the course of a few months.

I didn't lose my faith even though I was really sad and angry about all that happened. I knew They had Their reasons and They did Their best. It was a unfortunate event that I was wholefully unprepared to face at a time where I was the most vulnerable and probably a really great target.

Thanks to my most recent reading, I now know that my gods, my spirits and my ancestors protect me and are helping me heal and build firm boundaries. I am so grateful because yeah it sort of feel like a miracle that I'm doing this well now after all I've been through.

I still feel really guilty, really dumb, really dirty, so I still need to work on that. Even though I know it's not my fault, and they said the same.

Thank you so much if you read everything. It means a lot to me. I will go back to regular posting and I hope I can document the rest of my spiritual journey since many things are changing for me and I'm really excited about the future.

#trickster spirit #parasitic entity

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alevicke · 6 months

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Hii!! I saw requests were open!! I was wondering, if you write for trickster, could you write some headcanons of trickster with a survivor s/o who’s very clingy and cuddly and wants constant cuddles from him? Like she’d even go up to him during a trial and beg him to cuddle with her.

Hi! Thank you for requesting, it's actually the first time in my life someone requests something ^^ i hope you don't mind that I added The Huntress and The Spirit as well because I'm weak for them 💖 I'll use gn reader! Hope you like it 💖

Killer x clingy!reader

Characters: Trickster, The Huntress and The Spirit

No TWs! Or if you think something should be mentioned let me know. Also sorry for the mistakes, English isn't my native language and I have no one to proof read this D:

Trickster:

For this man it really depends how much you know each other or if you're already together (just as with anyone else in reality)

To be fair, he's famous and handsome. He knows already people want to cuddle him, he's well used to crazy fan girls who could do ANYTHING to even get close to him. Cuddling is a FANTASY for them.

But so is for you. Although you see more than the others. When the others think about Trickster they think about the softness of his skin, the sweet voice whispering in their ears, the fingers along their skin... But that's about it, they only see a pretty face to cling onto, a trophy and Trickster knows that

But he always felt something different from you

You didn't look at him like a crazy fangirl who would rip his fingers just to have something from him closer. You were seeing more from him

At first, he would shrug, laugh at you and keep you away using his bat like a long twig to keep the distance. No touchy for people he doesn't know. You could have your fingers dirty with oil from the generators and ruin his amazing skin routine that takes so much time to do

You get closer to him to hug him in a trial? Oh heck no (not yet)

But as time passes and you keep wanting to stay by his side even when he doesn't allow you to touch him, he starts to slowly allow you closer. It's not like suddenly, one day, he will let you hug him, but will slowly allow you to sit closer, some days he will let you grab his hand so you can see his new nail polish, to see his make up that turned amazing today...

And day by day you realize he's way more comfortable around you until he finally wraps his arm around your shoulder, allowing you to cuddle in his chest.

He's warm and sweet once he finally trusts you, he's careful not to mess with your hair and he touches you so gently as if he was scared he could break you

He will start allowing you to hug him, he doesn't mind you doing it if it's not getting in the middle of his routines or similar or if it's a situation when no one can be in danger. He would never forgive himself if you get hurt trying to hug him in a trial or similar so he sets that strict rule. But once everyone is dead in the trial? You're more than welcome between his arms. He's just scared of hurting you. He truly wants to hug you in the trial but it's impossible to do it without it being dangerous for both of you.

Although, he often allows you to be the last survivor so you both can cuddle while he finishes off one of your team mates down

When you hug him he specially loves having your hair closer to him. No matter if it's curly, straight, short, long, blonde, brunettte, black or dyed, he likes your hair a lot and the sweet smell of it.

It's not unusual for him to fall asleep cuddling with you once you both are used to this. He likes to be the big spoon but doesn't mind being the small one every now and then

It takes him more time for him to allow you to pet his hair though. He's still over protective of his hairstyle

THE HUNTRESS:

She's so confused the first time you try to hug her. It doesn't happen out of the blue or else she would completely kill you for touching her when she didn't want to and could only see you as a survivor, but it's still strange

She had a really hard trial. Every now and then, Anna cannot help but let the feelings overwhelm her. She lost her mother long ago and has been alone on her own for so long and while she is strong, god knows that, she is sometimes that scared child that wishes to be hold by someone. It doesn't matter how many muscles she has, it doesn't matter how strong she is nor how tall she is compared to the others. She still has a sweet heart and love to give inside but doesn't know how to

And after a really hard trial with everyone flashing her, breaking pallets in her back even several times, you found her sitting on the ground.

It seemed like the rest had already given up from annoying tf out of her and already escaped. They stole all they could from the map and after basically emptying the flashlight batteries on her, there was nothing else fun to do there, more taking in mind that Anna seemed to had given up

You have been there against her in a few trials already. That wasn't normal. She was always so strong and amazing! You always admired it. Her figure, her muscles and her strength to carry on. Deep down you just wanted to hold onto those muscles and cuddle against her

But you found a defeated Anna and... You still wanted to cuddle her, but in a bit different way

Anna barely looked up when she heard your footsteps. She thought one of the survivors didn't had enough yet. But she was surprised to see you, softly tilting her head. She thought you would have escaped like the others. You were always nice. But you were there still. Did you want to laugh at her as well?

Her jaw almost drops when you lean down to her figure and hug her. You can feel her muscles tense and for a moment you feel scared you fcked up and she would kill you. But you slowly felt her body relax under your embrace

She took you in her arms, sat you on her lap and covered your figure in her embrace. You felt happy you were finally able to get close to the giant woman and she felt happy she finally had someone to hug. Your embrace meant the world to her in that moment

From that time, things between you were different. She was never too hard against you in trials because you weren't mean, but since then, she was always missing shots with you. Oops, she was clumsy that day, haha, right? Oh shit there goes Nea's head, that was so accurate

But no axe against your skin

She loved having you around, feeling your arms trying to embrace her large figure. You could feel her chest puff as she would laugh whenever you tried your best to completely hug her but couldn't.

She had no restrictions. You could hug her whenever and however you wanted. But PLEASE, be careful with her axes! Those are extremely sharp!

Everytime you hugged her and tried to cling onto her, if you are ok, she would happily hold you in her arms and put you on her shoulders. Sometimes she would pick you up bridal style and bring you everywhere until she finds a nice spot to cuddle with you

For quite some time she isn't comfortable taking her mask off. But if you give her enough time and don't pressure her, she will eventually take it off to snuggle with you. She loves pressing her face against you, to feel your warmth and see that she isn't alone anymore

THE SPIRIT

What? You wanted to hug her? Why? Her whole body is covered by broken glass!

She doesn't trust you the first times you try to get close to her. She will always attack, hiss you and push you away. She doesn't want you any closer to her. She has the feeling you're trying a weird trick on her to hurt her. She doesn't know what, but she is so sure no one would want to be closer to her. At least not for something good

But she starts to see little by little that you aren't hurting her and you're being pretty gentle with her. As gentle as you can actually be against a killer trying to kill you. But you seemed sad to have to break pallets on her back and you hissed in pain when you could see the pieces of glass get deeper in her skin with each hit. Like... You felt empathy for her?

She had so many mixed feelings from that. She knew you wanted to get close to her, she knew you weren't hurting her. But she didn't know why? She couldn't understand that someone could appreciate her enough to get closer due to what she went through and what her body had

She doesn't really speak your language so she doesn't even know how to ask you what do you want or what your intentions are. But you realize that every attempt you make to get closer to her is slowly being a bit more succesful than the previous one

Oh, don't think it's gonna take you just a few, no. It's gonna take you probably a lot more than a month or even a few months for her to finally trust you to get closer to her. But patience is the key with her. She has suffered so much even from people closer to her she has struggles trusting

The first time you try to reach her hand, she struggles to keep her physical form. She "glitches" trying to process your action but doesn't move away until you finally grab her hand, carefully, softly. Your thumb caress her cold skin and she barely moves. She's speechless, but feeling someone elses' touch is like a dream for her

She almost melts in your touch, if it wasn't because she can't...

She is ok with you holding her hand pretty often, but the attemps to hug her are way harder. Is not like she doesn't trust you, the opposite, she trusts you and doesn't want to hurt you

Trust me when I say she wishes with her whole soul to hug you and get some comfort cuddling with you, but she is so SCARED to hurt you. It doesn't matter how many times you tell her it's ok because you have medkits and nothing can really go THAT bad down the entitie's eyes. She won't allow a survivor to die outside a trial. But she's still is scared to hurt you

Although, you end up managing to find the best spots to hug her avoiding all her pieces of glass. It's a work between you both but you find several cuddling poses that keep your arms and hands and even your body away from the sharp edges

True, every now and then you hiss in pain feeling a cut. And she still tries to run away when she realizes she has hurt you. But you still manage to calm her down and keep her on your side

She learnt to take care of your wounds in the most soft possible way so cuddles become way more frequent. She's so in love with your hugs !

#x reader #dbd x reader #dead by daylight #dead by daylight x reader #huntress x reader #spirit x reader #trickster x reader

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