How do you know when you're losing control
Ao3 | 711 words | Rated: General Audience | Eddie introspection
Spoilers for 5x01.
Eddie is just going through it, trying to understand what's going on and why he's getting panic attacks.
That’s what the doctor said. Panic attack, not heart attack.
And Eddie couldn’t understand it.
It had felt like his heart was going to burst out of his chest the way it was beating so hard and fast. And he’d never felt his chest feel quite so tight that it was near impossible to breathe. The way his legs gave out from under him as his vision blurred around the edges. But when he thought about it and after Chris had announced to the doctor that he’d been shot; he remembered that it wasn’t his left arm or shoulder that hurt but his right.
Still, it didn’t make any sense to him, he’s never had a panic attack before, not even after he returned from Afghanistan. And that was a far more anxiety-inducing event than what happened 4 months ago. So why was it happening now? If these were panic attacks, then why didn’t they start happening in all those months since being shot?
The doctor had an answer for that too.
That’s what she called it.
I don’t panic. That is what he said but deep down in his heart, he knew that a panic attack was the only reasonable explanation, even if he didn’t like it. That doesn’t mean that he couldn’t deny it. He didn’t want it to be true. He had put his wound in his past, did the rehab, healed. Back to full function. Being shot wasn’t something that he want to think about ever again now that it was behind him.
Why should he, he’s fine now.
At least he thought he was.
That was until he had that minor blip at the air traffic control tower. Spaced out on Chim. He had felt his chest start to constrict again and his eyes lost focus like the first time. The only saving grace was that he was at work, a reason for him not to lose control, something to focus on and suppress what was happening.
Even when the second patient had said he was experiencing the same sort of symptoms he had felt just the other day, he suggested that it could be a panic attack, like the hypocrite that he was, denying to himself that that was what had happened to him.
If it was a panic attack, then what was it that triggering it? It’s a question that swirled around and around in his head as they traveled to the hospital. Because no matter how much he thought about it, the two incidents were entirely unrelated.
Regardless, he thought maybe it was over. That he could put this medical setback behind him too. That is until he set foot back in the hospital this time wheeling a gurney instead of being on one and saw Dr. Salazar. Heard the surprise behind the recognition in her voice when she called his name. Saw Buck’s confusion as he picked up what she was putting down, comprehending that he’d been to see her recently.
And now he knows that there was absolutely no way that he’s going to be able to put this behind him anytime soon. Not when Buck has heard what he’s heard. His best friend can be like a dog with a bone when he wants to be, and this was going to be no different.
And yet he still denied to him that anything was wrong. Because that was the crux of it. He’s always been an ignore it until it goes away kind of person when it comes to himself. But he knows that now that Buck has caught wind that something was going on with him, he’s never going to let it go until he gets answers. And he’s always appreciated Buck caring about him, but it means coming to terms with what he’s been denying to himself.
He said he doesn’t panic. Because, to him, panic feels like a loss of control. It means letting down the wall that he surrounds himself with to hide his true emotions, not just the watercolour versions of them and thats what scares him.
Because the problem was that once he admits it to himself that he does panic, he doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to stop.
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