#well technically it has been since november but now it's Really starting

[lyxchen]

Y'all my best friend knows my Karneval costume!!!! Like she knows the character that I'm dressing up as (Crowley from Good Omens) I sent her a picture of Crowley because she asked what I am gonna dress up as on Karneval and she was like "I think I know him" fufcfzdvfjfvd!!! She said that she saw a scene with him in a tiktok and it was the one with Crowley and Aziraphale in Eden and Crowley putting his wing over Aziraphale and idk it just made me happy that she remembered that even though it was only one clip. So yayyy!!!!

#good omens #it's almost karneval season babyyyy #well technically it has been since november but now it's Really starting #in like 2 weeks #exciting!!!! #karneval #lea's random thoughts

[musings-of-a-rose]

I'll Always Wait For You - Chapter 18 (Final Chapter)

Pairing: Frankie Morales x f!reader

Word Count: 6900+

Rating: Mature - 18+ ONLY!

Warnings: Just like ao3, “creator chooses not to use warnings.” If you click Keep Reading, that means you agree that you’re the age to handle mature themes. Also by clicking Keep Reading, you understand warnings may not be complete in order to avoid spoilers for the story. 

Notes: Well, this is it. The final chapter. I’m feeling very emotional about this one, as these 2 are my babies. This fic was the second thing I ever started writing AND my first series. I started it in November of 2021 and now I’m ending it in June of 2023. Thank you to everyone who has read it, left comments, reblogged it, talked about it off of Tumblr (I am still FLOORED that this has happened!). This is what keeps people creating. Even if you think you have nothing important to say, or if all you say is just a keyboard mash of letters, I can promise you ALL of it means the world to us. So I dedicate this fic to you, the reader. You’re the real star here and I can’t express my love enough. If you’re ever wanting more, I am always down to write one shots, drabbles, character insights, what ifs, etc for this fic (and any of my others).

Now excuse me while I go cry

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**Reader is not described

Main Masterlist

I'll Always Wait For You Masterlist

Frankie Morales Masterlist

<&lt;Chapter 17

“You look so beautiful!” Olivia gushes over you after she tucks the last braid into place, watching you stand and do a little twirl in your white dress.

“You think so? It’s not too much?”

“Too much? Girl, it’s your wedding day. You can’t be too much!”

Smiling, you smooth out your dress as you take in your reflection. You’re marrying Frankie. Your Frankie. Frankie, whom you’ve been in love with since you were 19. This is real. It’s happening.

Ok, technically, in the eyes of the law, it happened a few weeks ago at a courthouse. But there’s something special about gathering in front of your close friends and family, wearing a beautiful dress, and getting to repeat those vows in front of everyone. A soft knock at the door brings you out of your head and Olivia walks across the room to peak her head outside. 

“Mosa, it’s the photographer. Are you ready for the first look?”

“It’s HERmosa!” Frankie’s muffled yell comes from behind the door and Olivia smirks. 

One last glance in the mirror at your reflection and you nod, turning your back towards the door. You hear some shuffling as Frankie is ushered in backwards and the photographers get into place. 

“Turn in 3..2..1..Turn!” Olivia says and then steps back.

You turn, your eyes finding his almost immediately, as if they were drawn there. He’s dressed in a tailored suit, fitting his form perfectly, his grandfather’s kerchief folded and poking from the pocket. But what you’re really interested in is his face, his eyes growing wider and glossier the longer he looks at you.

“Hermosa, you…you’re beautiful,” Frankie says, awestruck.

“You’re just figuring that out?” You say behind a smile.

“No, I mean I always knew but…wow.”

He walks up to you and cups your cheek, running his thumb across it as Olivia hisses something about makeup from the corner of the room. But you couldn’t care less. Frankie was here, marrying you. This is all you’ve dreamt of for well over 10 years. A tear runs down Frankie’s cheek and you wipe it away.

“Are you ok?”

He sniffs and smiles. “I’m the best I’ve felt in a long time. I just…I only wish we would’ve done this sooner.”

“We did. We got married in the courthouse, remember?” 

He smiles at you. “I meant more that we never…that we stayed together since that first kiss.”

“Me too. But we can’t dwell on what-ifs. We can only think about the here-and-nows.”

Frankie tips your chin up and presses a light kiss to your lips, the clicks from the camera going crazy. You pose for photos for several minutes before Olivia ushers everyone from the room, winking at you when she says she’ll give you 10 minutes of alone time before she came to get you. The second the door closes, Frankie pushes his tongue in your mouth, pulling you as close as he can. 

“I can’t mess this dress up, Frankie,” You say pouting.

“That’s ok. I can work with that.” Frankie grips your hips and spins you around, bending you over the back of the chair and clasping a hand to your mouth as he takes you, your hands desperately trying to reach behind you to pull him in closer. 

15 minutes later, Olivia knocks on the door and enters hesitantly, smirking when she sees you smoothing down your dress, Frankie’s face more pink than when she had left. 

“It’s time,” she says, tossing her thumb over her shoulder and looking at Frankie pointedly. He turns to you and kisses your cheek.

“See you out there?”

“Raging sharks couldn’t keep me away.” 

He kisses you once more before Olivia starts clearing her throat. When he straightens up a curl falls on his forehead and you softly push it back to where it was, feeling Frankie’s eyes on you the entire time. He opens the door and looks outside befire turning back to you. 

“Your gift is here.”

“You don’t have to get me a gift, Frank-”

Santi walks through the door, dressed in a nice tux and smiling from ear to ear. You hadn’t seen him since the day he confessed his love for you and you had missed him terribly. Frankie was your best friend, but Santi was a close second and you’d hated the idea of getting married without him there.

“Santi?”

“Hey, Hermosa.”

You catch a glimpse of Frankie’s smile before he closes the door as you wrap your arms around Santi, feeling him squeeze you back just as hard. Separating a few moments later, you dab under your eyes as you try to choke back tears. 

“If I smudge my makeup, Olivia may kill me.”

Santi laughs. “She’s Benny’s girl, right? She’s perfect for him.”

“She’s really great…but how are you here?”

“I uh…Frankie called me a few weeks ago and told me…well, everything. I’m sorry I was screening my calls, Hermosa. I just…I needed time.”

“I understand. But…you’re here now! Are you ok?”

“I’m doing alright, Hermosa. Actually, pretty good.”

“You’ll have to tell me all about her.”

He laughs. “I will. But uh, hey - do you need a Man of Honor? If…if that would…be ok?”

“I would love to have to as my Man of Honor! But…Benny already agreed and I don’t know how to tell him -”

Santi waves his hand. “Benny was in on this. He knows and already said it was ok with him as long as you wanted it.”

Your eyes go wide. “Wait. Benny knew you were coming and he didn’t tell me?”

“Yeah.”

You gasp. “That bitch!”

Santi laughs his hardest yet. “So…”

“Let’s go, Man of Honor.”

The next thing you know, Frankie’s kissing you, everyone whooping and cheering, Aurelia throwing more flower petals into the air as they announce “Mr. and Mrs. Morales.” The rest of the night was like a blur, between photos and eating, first dances and cake, you barely had time to sit until things started to wind down long into the night. When you tried to help clean up, Olivia literally slapped your hand away and glared at you.

“Absolutely not. Benny!” He walks over and play groans when she says she’s recruited him to help clean up. She pretends to twist his nipple when he starts to complain and he yelps, high pitched and smiling as they play fight for a few moments before he gives in, grabbing plates and stacking them to wash. 

Frankie looks exhausted and he’s limping a little, so you beg him to not carry you over the threshold. “You did that when we got courthouse married.”

“Yeah but-”

“No. I’m not having you throw your hip out on our wedding day. Not from this.”

He chokes and smiles, giving in, a dark twinkle in his eye. “Alright. If you insist.” But by the time you’d made it upstairs and gotten your clothes off, both of you were too exhausted to do much of anything aside from a shower and literally fall into bed. But Frankie made up for lost time the next morning, waking you with what he claims was already your third orgasm of the day, his curls mussed up from being buried between your legs. He presses his body to yours, swallowing your whimpers before he adds his own, hips shaking with release. 

You spend your honeymoon at the Miller family cabin upstate, the only clothing you wear being one of Frankie’s shirts and sometimes his hat, which drives him wild. He celebrates another sobriety milestone while there, smiling wide at your praise. When you get back home, you can see he has an extra pep in his step, always a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth, always wanting to touch you, whether a hand to your wrist, a touch to your lower back, or a smack on your ass, chuckling as you yelp and smack him back. When you ask him why he looks exceptionally happy, he credits you. “I finally got the girl of my dreams, the love of my life.”

—-

Frankie and you settle into a comfortable routine. You were no strangers to living together, the adjustment taking no time at all. Life goes on as normal, except now, you get to live it with Frankie, no longer separated by a stupid argument, misconceptions, or a bitch of an ex wife. This was exactly where you were meant to be. 

Several months later, Frankie follows you into the family restroom at Target, slinging your purse over his shoulder as he rifles through the bag of stuff you’d just purchased.

“Pink dye first, right?” He asks, raising his eyebrows as he looks at you.

“Yeah. They’re more accurate supposedly.” 

Frankie tears open the box and studies the directions, as if he hadn’t done this several times already. He opens one of the sticks and hands it to you, turning around to give you a little privacy. 

“Start the timer,” you say as you zip up your pants. Frankie hits go on his timer and turns to face you, a pregnancy stick held face down in your hand. He can see your nerves, your worry and concern on your face.

“It’ll be ok, Hermosa.”

“Yeah I know. But what if it isn’t?”

“It will be-”

“We’ve been trying for months, Frankie. I know the OB said to try for a year before fertility testing but-”

Frankie walks up to you and pulls you to him, applying a gentle pressure as he hugs you close, kissing the side of your head. “If it’s negative, then we keep trying, ok? It hasn’t been a year yet and sometimes these things take time.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Will told me that it took them months to conceive Liam. And they were trying too. Just…breathe. In….out…”

You breathe with him for a few breaths. “You always were annoyingly calm in a crisis.”

He smiles. “Wouldn’t help to freak out behind the joystick.” 

You open your mouth to reply, but his timer cuts you off. Your mouth jams shut, nerves taking over your body as Frankie holds your gaze. 

“If it says negative, we can keep trying. Remember that. I love you no matter what, Hermosa.” You nod, taking a deep breath. “Ready?”

“Ready.” You flip the test over and look, 2 bright pink lines staring back at you. Tears immediately fall as you laugh, turning the test around to show Frankie, who yells, grabbing you up in his arms and hugging you tightly. He kisses you for a moment, pressing his forehead to yours. 

“I fucking love you, Hermosa.”

“I love you, Frankie.”

He yanks the door open and whoops loudly, people turning to look at him as you follow him out of the bathroom. 

“I’m going to be a father again!” He pumps his fists in the air, smiling from ear to ear as people cheer, clapping and congratulating you as they finish their purchases, one older couple handing you a gift card on their way out, telling you to spoil that baby. 

—-

Frankie was hesitant at first with your pregnancy, despite being so supportive and actually wanting a child with you. A couple months in, you finally ask him why he seems afraid to touch you, that you won’t break. He finally confesses to you that when Elizabeth was pregnant, she did nothing but yell at him, belittling him and wouldn’t let him touch her at all, not her belly, not even to rub her back or feet. She called him horrible names and would blame it on the hormones. Your heart breaks for him and you have no words. Well, you have words but they aren’t nice ones. Instead, you sit next to him on the bed, leaning back onto one arm, and take his hand with the other, gently placing it on your lower belly. His eyes light up as he looks at your tiny for the moment bump, tears welling in his eyes as he brings his other hand up to take the other side. He pulls your shirt up just enough to see your belly skin, giving it a tiny kiss.

“Hey, little one. You grow strong in there and don’t give your mom too much of a hard time.”

From then on, Frankie is all in. Whatever you need, he gets it, even if it’s a ridiculous request at 3am. He’s constantly touching your growing belly, talking to it as much as you do. He finds Aurelia’s old crib in the attic, a few boxes of baby stuff and a bassinet up there as well. He sets up the nursery under your instruction, letting Aurelia help with the decorations when she comes on the weekends. You decide to wait to find out the sex of the baby, thinking it would be something fun to do. So instead you call it “Bean”.

“Think Bean will like this?” Frankie asks, pointing to a baby swing. 

“They might, but Frankie, that swing is nearly $150. We can’t afford that.”

His shoulder’s slump but he agrees. “Maybe we can check the thrift shop. It’s the one thing Will didn’t toss our way.”

He was there for all of the classes too, birthing ones, breathing ones, even the hypnobirthing ones. He signed up for a “birthing partners” class, learning the best ways to support you not just during labor and delivery, but during the 4th trimester, or immediately postpartum. He helped you practice your meditations, making sure you had everything you needed and that you remember to take your prenatal and drink enough water. 

When you’re 8 months pregnant, getting winded from walking down the hall, Frankie gets a call from his boss at Flyboyz on his day off, asking him to come in. He grabs his hat and gives you a quick kiss before leaving, reminding you to drink water. He’d been working a lot lately, trying to make extra money so he can stay home with you and the baby for the first month. You’re not sure how long he’ll be gone, so you plop yourself down on your bed, pulling over the basket of baby clothes that still have to be sorted and you get to work, separating the sizes, long sleeve vs short, nightgowns from onesies. A couple hours later, the front door opens and Frankie slams it behind him, the picture frames rattling on the walls. You set aside the footie pajamas you were folding and go to stand up, but Frankie comes storming into the bedroom before you can move, anger coming off of him in waves.

“Frankie?”

He yanks his hat from his head, tossing it onto his dresser, knocking some things off of it. “I can’t fucking believe her!”

Struggling a little, you manage to get up and cross the room to him, placing your hand on his mid back. He recoils, anger flashing in his eyes but it’s not directed at you. Unsure of what happened, you know he needs to calm down before he can tell you. You grab an ice cube out of your glass of water and turn to Frankie.

“Give me your hand.”

He looks at you, eyebrow raised. “What?”

“Just do it.”

He stares at you for a moment before shoving his hand out. You flip it palm up, opening his fingers and place the ice cube in his palm. He yelps, but you hold his hand firmly so he won’t drop the ice.

“What the fuck, Hermosa?”

“The cold will help reset your nervous system.”

“I don’t think- it’s too fucking cold, Hermosa.”

“Just another few seconds.”

His chest, which had been heaving a moment ago, has slowed down, the anger still there but at a manageable level. You tip his hand and grab the falling ice into your own palm, putting it in the sink in the bathroom before coming back to the bed and trying to sit on it. Frankie is there, taking your hand and helping you into bed. He goes to stand but you squeeze his hand and pull him until he sighs, sitting on the edge, his shoulders slumped.

“How do you feel?”

“Fucking angry, but…the edge is gone. Ice…who fucking knew?”

“So..may I ask what happened?”

His eyes darken with repressed outrage. “I thought I was getting extra work. Instead, my pilot’s license has been suspended, pending a review.”

You sit up quickly, eyes going wide. “What??”

He nods, his jaw clenching. “Apparently, someone made a claim that I was using when I flew some clients and now they have to investigate.”

You knew that Frankie had been clean over a year, that he wasn’t using at all. “Oh, Frankie. Wait..who made the claim?”

He looks at you. “It was anonymous but I know it was Elizabeth.” He says her name with absolute disgust and hate that you nearly pull back from him. 

“Elizabeth? Would she-”

“Oh come on, Hermosa. You don’t think it was her? I’ve been clean for well over a year. She’s the only one who would have known that I used that would make claims.”

“What about Rick?”

Frankie shakes his head. “Nah. He left Flyboyz while you were…out of town. I told him he had to leave or I would report him for selling. He started to threaten to bring me down with him, but then remembered you were…not in my life and he could see the rock bottom in me, I guess. So he backed off, just left to go elsewhere. There’s no way it’s him. It’s her. It’s always her causing shit. I’m so fucking sick of it!”

Placing a hand on his back, you start to rub it, adding in little scratches here and there like he likes. “She is a bitch.”

“I just got my license back. I worked so hard on that.” He puts his face in his hands, resting his elbows on his legs. You scoot towards him wrapping your arm around him. 

“I know you did. But you said suspended? That doesn’t mean revoked, right?”

He shakes his head. “No, it doesn’t.”

“So…what does it mean?”

“It means, I can’t fly until it’s reinstated. I have to pee in a cup at random times during the week for 6 months to prove I’m clean before they will lift the suspension.”

“Well there you go!”

He looks up at you, his eyebrows pulling together. “There I go, what? We can’t afford for me to not have this income, Hermosa.”

“We’ll be ok-”

“You’re about to have a baby. Your income won’t happen for a bit, and that’s fine, but we needed this extra money and now I can’t provide that. All because of my bitch of an ex!”

“Frankie, we’ll be ok. If we have to borrow money, we can.”

“I’m not borrowing money.”

“Fine. Then I will borrow it.”

“No, I’ll…I’ll figure something out.”

“Frankie-”

“Just…can we just stop for tonight? I’m trying to process this.”

You open your mouth to argue but then see the exhausted look on his face. “Sure. Why don’t you come talk to us? That always makes you feel better.”

Leaning back against the headboard, you watch as Frankie scoots up the bed, getting level with your belly as you turn on your side so you’re not being squished. He chats to the baby for a while, about everything and nothing and by the time he’s done, his shoulders are relaxed and he’s not as angry anymore. 

Elizabeth never fully admits to being the one to make the claim, but you see the look on her face through the car window when you make your next exchange for Aurelia after Frankie confronts her and you know she did it. There’s nothing you can say or do except wait it out. Frankie getting his license back will be all the revenge you’ll need.

—---- (Skip to the next line if you don’t want to read about labor. It’s not terribly graphic at all, but I know it’s not everyone’s thing)-------

“I never thought I’d have to beg you to have sex with me!” You stomp your foot, furious that Frankie won’t follow the doctor’s advice. 

It had been a few weeks since his license was revoked and you were a week past your due date and not happy about it.

“Hermosa, I don’t-”

“Want to hurt me, I know, I know. But the midwife even said that sex is the best way to induce labor because of the prostaglandins in your semen.”

“You make it sound so sexy.”

“Frankie,” you pinch the bridge of your nose, taking a deep sigh. “I am the size of a house. I am miserable and sweaty and I haven’t seen my feet in months and I just want to have this baby already. If it’s my belly, I can turn around-”

“You are fucking gorgeous.”

“Then please?”

Frankie studies you for a long moment, his shoulders starting to slump and that’s when you knew you had him. “Alright, fine. We can try it. But we’re going slow, taking our time, ok?”

“No arguments here.”

Contractions started within an hour of Frankie cumming inside of you. You weren’t sure at first what you were feeling, but it sort of felt like a bad period cramp, so you assumed this must be it. Frankie timed them all for you, helping you breathe as they got more intense and closer together, and when they were close enough apart, Frankie helped you to his truck and drove to the hospital. In between contractions, you watched him as he drove, expertly winding his way through traffic, a look of focus on his face, a little furrow between his brow the only indication that this was not a normal day behind the wheel. How lucky you were to have this man, who can be calm in stressful situations, want to spend his life with you. 

“What?” Frankie glances sideways at you before turning back to the road.

“You’re cute when you focus.”

A smile pulls at the corner of his mouth. “Remember how cute I am when you’re in transition.”

Before you know it, you’re in a labor and delivery room, barely spending any time in triage before they whisked you away. Hospitals can be a frustrating place to have a baby. Each nurse walks in and tells you to rest between contractions, try to get some sleep when you can, but then a new nurse comes along within an hour, always rousing you from sleep to take your blood pressure or put their fingers where you didn’t want them. You’d finally had enough of the latter and told a nurse to kindly fuck off, and denied internal exams unless it was a medical emergency. Frankie was by your side the entire labor, putting counter pressure on your hips when you needed it, pulling your hair from your face, sneaking you snacks because they forbid food and you said you’d chomp off your own fingers if they didn’t let you eat. Transition was hard, but all of a sudden, you knew it was time to push. Following your body, you get on all fours, taking your calming breaths, but then realizing that Frankie was not next to you. Turning your head, you see him, wide eyed and backing towards the door.

“I’ll just-” He points his thumb over his shoulder at the door.

“No, please. I need you here with me.” Another contraction has you breathing again and it’s a minute before he replies.

“You want me here?”

“Yes. I need you, Frankie.” 

His eyes start to water over and it doesn’t occur to you then, but later that night it’l come to you - he wasn’t trying to dodge out of the delivery. He was having a flashback to when Elizabeth kicked him out of the room right when Aurelia was making her way into the world, and your heart hurt all over again. Frankie is at your side in an instant, turning to yell for the nurse who had surprisingly not come in for some random check.

“No time!” You yell, letting out a low groan, a technique you learned to help move baby down and out. Frankie’s face slides into focus mode and he moves behind you, just in time to catch the baby as it comes sliding out. He gathers the baby up, holding it close as it screams into the world. The nurse comes running in then, having heard the baby crying as you turn onto your back, arms outstretched to hold your baby, skin to skin.

“Baby is here! I didn’t even know you were transitioning! You were pretty quiet.”

The nurse bustles around and does her thing while Frankie transfers the baby to your bare chest. Tears stream down your face as you look at Frankie, who has tears of his own. He kisses the top of your head. “I am so proud of you, Hermosa.”

A few moments pass, the baby calming against your chest. “Hey Frankie? Is the baby a boy or girl?”

He slaps his hand to his forehead. “I forgot to look! I was so focused on catching the baby and whether it was breathing and not dropping it that I don’t think I looked! Here.” He lifts the hip of the baby and smiles.

“We have a son. I have a son!”

—---No more labor/delivery details—---

Luis Christian Francisco Morales was born perfect. 10 little fingers and 10 little toes, skin glowing. He was the perfect combination of you both, although you say he favors Frankie mostly. 

You both settle into your roles as new parents, a lot of it being new to Frankie too, since Elizabeth had denied him so much. He was determined to not miss out on things this time, making sure you both had everything you needed and watching Luis when he stayed awake between feeds so you could have a nap. Aurelia cries the first time she sees Luis, big ugly sobs, and when Frankie finally calms her down enough to ask what’s wrong, she simply says “He…he’s…s-so so cute!” She happily takes up the mantle of “Big Sister” when she’s with you. Once, you wake from your nap only to find all 3 of them sleeping, Luis curled up on Frankie’s broad chest, Aurelia tucked onto his other side. You snap a photo and then quietly leave the room, taking the time to actually shower. 

About a month in, Frankie comes back from dropping Aurelia with her mom. His eyebrows were pulled together in confusion as he stares down at his phone.

“Everything ok?” You ask, shifting the bottle you were feeding Luis with so it was a better angle.

“Yeah. Uh…Santi just texted me.”

“Oh yeah? Everything ok?”

“Uh..he says congrats on Luis, that he’s the cutest, and that he was out of service for a bit and he’s sorry he didn’t text earlier.”

“That’s ok. I know he’s busy.”

Frankie is quiet for a moment. “He offered me some work.”

“Work?”

“Well, not just me. Benny, Will, and Tom too.”

“What kind of work?” When he doesn’t answer, you look up at him. He kicks his shoes off and sits next to you on the couch. 

“Consulting.” His eyes don’t meet yours, focusing instead on his fingers, where he starts to pick at the skin around his nails.

“Consulting.” You say in disbelief. 

“Yeah.”

“Wait, like a mission?”

Frankie shrugs. “No? I mean, it’s just scoping out a place and looking for weaknesses. We give our report to the government he works with and then come back. Easy peasy.” 

“If it’s so easy peasy, why aren’t you looking at me?”

He takes a deep breath and let’s it out slowly before looking at you. “It’s for a week. Just trying to find holes in a fence.”

“And why do they need you?”

“They need a pilot.”

“You don’t have your license.”

“It probably doesn’t matter over there.”

“Frankie, I don’t-”

“I’ts $17k, Hermosa. We need the money.”

“I don’t like it. So much can go wrong. Who’s house is it? Definitely no one that’s a stand up citizen. What happens if they find you first? No, I don’t like it.”

“Just..he’s coming to town tomorrow and we’re going to chat about it at Benny’s fight. Let me ask some more questions.”

“I don’t like it, Frankie.”

“I know. Just..let me talk to Pope.”

—----

It’s late the next night and you start to pace the floor of your bedroom, wondering when he’ll be back. He’d texted you to tell you Benny had won the fight and they were stopping at the bar for a quick drink before Olivia takes him home to play nurse. 

That had been 2 hours ago.

The door finally opens downstairs and you quietly make your way to the kitchen, where you were hearing Frankie move around. 

“Did I wake you?”

You shake your head. “I was awake. Luis is asleep.”

“Good, good. He go down ok?”

“Yeah, actually in his bassinet, but Frankie? How did it go?” 

He gets a glass of water, chugging half of it before setting the glass down on the counter. “It’s just a recce. No live fire.”

“There’s a possibility of people shooting at you??”

“I mean, we are casing a place. It’s always possible if guards see you or-”

“No.”

He looks at you. “Hermosa, we need the money.”

“No.”

“I don’t have a job. We need this.”

“No money is worth your life, Frankie. None of your lives.”

“I won’t be in any major danger. I’ve done worse.”

“Yeah but you didn’t have a family then.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“No. No, I don’t like this, no.”

Frankie puts his hands on his hips, cocking one hip back as he looks at you. “We’re behind on bills.”

“So? I’ll borrow some money and you can stay.”

“Hermosa-”

“Or I can get another job? A new client. I can-”

“You just had a baby, so no.”

“Then I can-”

“Hermosa.” He says it firmly, that hip still cocked back as his eyes find yours, resolve in them.

“You’ve…you’ve already said yes, haven’t you?”

His tongue comes out to swipe across his bottom lip. “We leave Thursday.”

Silence stretches between you both as you stare at him in disbelief. “I can’t believe you made that decision without me.”

“I made the decision for us. We need the money.”

“Oh, fuck you and the money! I said I could borrow it. You’re just being stubborn!”

“I’m taking responsibility! We needed money and this just happens to come our way? I have to take it.”

“So you’re saying it’s fate that Santi texted you to lure you down there with the promise of $17k? You’re telling me that it’s just consulting and nothing else? Can you promise me that?”

He shrugs. “That was the original deal.”

“But can you promise me?”

He studies you for a moment, his eyes lingering on yours. “I’m going, Hermosa.”

And with that, you turn on your heel and walk out of the kitchen, closing the door behind you, wishing you could slam it. 

The next couple days were torture. You kept trying to convince Frankie to stay, convince all of them to stay. You didn’t want any of them going. But they all said the same thing that Frankie said. “It’s just consulting.” Thursday morning, Tom comes to pick up Frankie pretty early. He leans over to kiss you in bed and you take one more shot at trying to get him to stay. Your fingers wind into his curls as you pull him to you, deepening the chaste kiss he had started. 

“You can still stay,” you say, your voice barely a whisper.

“I’ll be back in a week, Hermosa. I love you.”

Tears streaming down your face, you reply. “I love you too. Please don’t die. Don’t any of you die.”

Frankie chuckles. “We’ll be fine. I’ll call you in a couple of days once we’re settled, ok?”

—----

Except, Frankie did not call in a couple of days. Neither did any of the others, nor had they reached out to Stacy, Molly, or Olivia. There was no one to call, no contact. They needed it that way for whatever consultation they were on. Stacey brought the kids over and Olivia came too, all of you opting to stay together and support each other at least during the day. As the few days stretched into a week, which stretched into nearly another, Olivia split her time between you and Stacy’s, offering to watch the kids so you each could have a moment to yourselves. She was at Stacy’s tonight, Luis snuggled and tucked in beside you as you channel surf the tv, landing on nothing in particular. It was day 10 and about 2am so all of the infomercials were on. You landed on one for some random kitchen gadget when your phone rings. You jump, grabbing for your phone to quickly hit the silent button before it wakes Luis. It was an unknown number, but definitely foreign and so you pick up right away.

“Frankie?”

“Hermosa,” he breathes a sigh of relief, his voice wavering on the last syllable of your name. 

“Are you ok? Is everyone alright? Fuck, I’ve been terrified out of my mind.”

“I know, I know. I’m sorry. Things got…out of hand. I can explain more when I get home.”

“I understand. But you’re ok?”

“I’m ok. A little banged up but ok.”

“Everyone else?”

The way he’s silent has your throat closing up, making it difficult to speak. “Frankie?”

“It’s Tom.”

While Tom and you never were best friends, there’s no way you would’ve wished death on the man, nor would you have wanted to have his girls without a father. 

—----

Frankie’s mom takes Luis while you drive to the airport, there to pick up Frankie as Olivia and Stacy were going to get Benny and Will. You had experienced all of the emotions these past 10 days, mostly anger and fear, but when you heard his voice, a part of you caved. You just wanted him home and were grateful that he was alive.

You spot Benny first, towering over a majority of the crowd as people file out security and head towards baggage claim. Then you see it - a dark blue standard heating oil cap bobbing next to Benny and suddenly, you’re running, pushing people out of the way as you run towards him, Frankie seeing you at the last moment, dropping his bag to gather you in his arms, burying his face in your hair. Olivia and Stacy copy your actions, Will hissing when Stacy throws her arms around him. He mutters “I’m ok.” before pulling her to him. Pulling back, you look up into Frankie’s black brown eyes, taking in all the features of his face, his laugh lines, the spot where his one dimple pops up, the fact that he had the audacity to shave his beard. 

“You shaved,” you said simply, running a finger along his jawline.

“Yeah. But I’ll grow it back just for you.”

His lips crash to yours, his hands cupping the sides of your face as you press your body against his, fingers twisting in his shirt. 

“I’m still mad at you,” you breathe out between kisses.

“Fair enough.”

Hugs were exchanged all around before everyone went to their homes. On the drive home, Frankie tells you everything, how it was just a consult but then they decided to try and do it themselves, how it would’ve all been fine if they hadn’t missed their window, or if Tom had listened when he said it was too much weight for the helicopter. 

“Wait..you crashed?” 

“Yeah. It was just a little crash.”

“Frankie!”

“It’s me. I landed us…mostly fine. We all walked away.”

He explains about the money and the people from the village, and how they had to trek up the fucking Andes mountains and down the other side. How a young man from the village had wanted revenge and got it, dying himself in the process. How they carried Tom down the side of the mountain, leaving a ton of money there, only to make it to safety and come back with a new chopper to get the money and safely make it back in a whole other country, which is where he called you from. By the end of the story you’re silent, tears quietly falling down your face as you realize how easily they all could’ve died on the side of those mountains. How one of them did. 

“We each put about $5mil in a trust fund for Tom’s girls, made sure Molly was taken care of. It’s what Tom would’ve wanted and it’s…it’ll never be enough.”

“Hey,” you squeeze his thigh and he looks at you, tears on his cheeks. “You are not to blame. Every one of you knew what you were doing, knew there were risks. And while I can’t say who shot first as I wasn’t there, Frankie, it was self defense. And, I’m sorry, but knowing you and knowing Tom? I’d bet money on him shooting first.”

Frankie nods. “Yeah I guess so…. are you mad at me still?”

“I was all prepared to be so pissed at you, but honestly? I’m just glad to have you here and alive.”

Frankie spends the next hour between your legs and you spend the hour after that washing his hair and tending to his arguably minor wounds. Once you were clean and dressed, you made him something to eat, as you’d have to go get Luis shortly. When you set his glass of water down, he grips your wrist, pulling you into his lap.

“How are you feeling? Do you need to call your sponsor?”

He shakes his head. “Surprisingly, no. I think I’m just so grateful to be alive. And there’s one more thing.”

“What?” You ask nervously.

Frankie leans in closer, speaking low in your ear. “We got the rest of the money.”

“The $17k?” You said stupidly.

Frankie smiles and shakes his head. “A lot more than $17k.”

Your eyes widen. “What?”

“Millions, Hermosa. Each. Millions. We’re set for life, as are Luis and Aurelia.”

“Can we stay here?”

Frankie chuckles. “What?”

“I don’t want some giant mansion. I want to stay here. In our house.”

Frankie smiles and kisses you lightly. “We can do whatever you want to.”

“What do you want to do?”

“Besides take care of my family?”

“Besides that.”

“Once I get my license reinstated, I want to start my business.” His eyes light up as he talks about it, how he had already looked into getting retired choppers, and had gathered up some possible contacts, even scouted out some property. The only thing that had stopped him was the money, which was no longer an issue. 

—----

6 months later, Frankie’s license gets reinstated, the owner clapping him on the shoulder and apologizing for everything. A month later, Frankie opens Chopperz, his veteran owned and operated helicopter tour business. It’s a instant success - apparently people really want to experience flying in various retired military equipment being flown by actual veterans. He even has repeat customers, although a lot of them are women and you catch more than one of them blushing when he talks to them. 

Will and Stacy build a new house, much bigger to fit their expanding family, ecstatic that they were finally having a girl. He quits giving speeches almost immediately, staying home with his family and helping Frankie out when he needs it. 

Benny and Olivia confessed that they had actually gotten married the day after Benny’s last fight, not able to wait any longer. When he came home, they took off to travel the world while their dream house was being built just down the road from Frankie and Will. 

Santi went to Australia to find Yovanna and her brother, following them around until they got settled. He and Yovanna stayed together for a while, and he took some time for himself, wandering the world to see things when he wasn’t in a uniform. He eventually came back, building a house down the road from Frankie and the Millers. But to his first get together with everyone, he brought a girl, which wouldn’t have surprised anyone, but you could see the way he looked at her, constantly touching her lightly, pressing kisses to her head, shoulder, lips, anywhere he could. And she was doing the same, her eyes lighting up every time they looked at each other, so when you asked him later, away from everyone else, he scratches the back of his neck and admits that he thinks she’s the one, that she gets him, understands him, and doesn’t give a flying fuck about his money, which she didn’t even know about until now.  

Frankie and you were finally happy, after all these years. Elizabeth finally stopped her shit, leaving you and Frankie to be happy and only communicating when it regards Aurelia. Instead of moving, you decide to expand your house, adding another couple of bedrooms because you want to eventually expand your family. Frankie is beyond happy, smiling at Luis and Aurelia as they run around their new treehouse in the backyard, feeling you wrap your arms around him from behind, kissing his broad back before moving to stand next to him, his arm around your shoulder as you both watch your kids.

“What are you thinking about?” You ask, turning your head up to him.

“How happy I am. How I wish we had started this all sooner, that it didn’t take such a shitty road to get here, and that it didn’t take us this long.”

You reach up and cup his face, pulling him to you as you kiss him, his soft lips lightly nibbling at yours. 

“I’ll always wait for you, Frankie.”

—----  

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General Taglist:

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#frankie catfish morales #frankie morales #frankie morales x reader #triple frontier #pedro pascal #frankie morales x you #pedro pascal x reader #pedro pascal x you #pedro pascal characters #pedro pascal character fanfic #pedro pascal character ff #pedro pascal character fanfiction #frankie morales x f!reader #francisco catfish morales

[andiwriteordie]

perhaps season five apocalypse vibes for the prompts?

(btw i love your writing so so SO much like you are such an inspiration to me anyway bye <3)

AWWW okay first that's so sweet tysm <333 sending you a big ole hug

and second, i LOVE my s5 apocalypse vibes, so here you go. have some byler in a (new and improved) castle byers together.

—

built to fall apart (then fall back together)

If Will had a nickel for every time he has been forced to hide inside a little fort made of branches and twigs from a deadly monster hunting him down and wanting to eat him alive… he’d have two nickels.

And look. Okay. Two nickels? Not a lot of money. You really can’t buy anything with two nickels, not like you probably could when his mom and Hopper were his age or maybe even younger.

But two times hiding inside a Castle Byers from a demogorgon? 

That’s two times too many.

This isn’t fair by any means, but then again, nothing about Will’s life has been fair since November 6, 1983. Ever since that first encounter with the demogorgon, it’s been one bad thing after another, and well… ending up back here feels annoying but also not surprising in the least.

At least this time, Will isn’t alone, and this time, he’s not technically in the Upside Down—though nowadays, all of Hawkins might as well be the Upside Down. It… it’s gotten bad these past two years. As One has been recovering, the Upside Down has been growing, reaching further and further into Hawkins, and transforming Will’s hometown into something ripped right out of an apocalyptic movie. 

Everything is coming to blows, and Will can feel it. He can feel him, ready to soon return and put and end to all their planning and preparing. One is just waiting now and biding his time—simply looking for the perfect opportunity to strike, to come back, and to put an end to humanity once and for all. 

It’s only a matter of time now.

Hell, for all Will knows, this could be the beginning of the end, and wouldn’t that be funny in the world’s least funny way? To end right where he began—running and hiding for his life from the same type of monster that kidnapped him all those years ago. Because right now, there’s a demogorgon sniffing around the abandoned forests right outside Will’s old childhood home, desperately seeking out its meal, and hoping to finish what it’s already started, and right now, Will is seventeen but feels twelve years old again—terrified for his life and wondering if this might be how he dies.

Will takes a shuddered breath, his eyes wandering down to the blood gash on his ankle. The strips of cloth that Mike had desperately tied around the wound are already soaked, dark maroon tainting the soft green fabric of Mike’s bandana. Bile rises in the back of his throat, but he forces it down.

Sooner or later, the demogorgon is going to find him. It always does, doesn’t it? Castle Byers – it’s not such a good place to hide. The demogorgon found him there, in the Upside Down, anyways, and the first Castle Byers had been torn down by Will’s own hands in one final act of self-loathing, right before the Mind Flayer had returned.

This hiding spot’s probably the worst place they could be right now.

And yet, despite the fact that they could be moments away from death, Will can’t help but look around at their silly little hiding spot.

It’s bigger than the original Castle Byers was, which is definitely a good thing in this instance. Will’s not so sure that the both of them would’ve been able to cram inside the original Castle Byers—not with Mike Wheeler’s gangly limbs and with the rifles and other supplies they’d both brought on patrol. But still, though this new fort is larger than the original one was, it’s not that much bigger, so both Will and Mike are pressed against each other, close enough that Will can hear his best friend’s unsteady breathing and feel the way he’s trembling. 

Will’s hand twitches, brushing up against Mike’s hand, and in the silence, it’s easy to hear the way Mike’s breath catches. Neither one of them says anything, and Will’s never been more glad for the darkness and how it conceals how red his face must be right now. 

The darkness, however, also makes it a little bit harder to take in the rest of this new Castle Byers. All Will knows is that there are little pictures and drawings and posters taped to the walls of the fort, just like in the old Castle Byers. On the little table beside Will, there are a few books and other trinkets, but that’s not what catches Will’s eye.

No – what catches his eye is a picture, a little difficult to see from far away, but luckily close enough that Will can reach out and grab it. Sure enough, it’s exactly what he thinks it is: the old pictures of the Party that he had ripped in half, right down the middle before the destruction of the original Castle Byers. The picture is a little faded and there’s a piece of tape holding it together, but it’s here.

It’s here, and Castle Byers is here too, and Mike is here, his hand clenched tightly around Will’s own.

“Come on!” Mike had yelled, his arm wrapped around Will as the two of them limped through the forest. “I know a place we can hide!”

He knew this place was here.

Mike knew that this new Castle Byers was here.

Which means… 

Will looks around again, taking in as much as he can of the rebuilt fort. His heart pounds inside his chest, and outside, a monster lurks, waiting for the right moment to strike and to kill them both. 

Inside? Inside, Will is reeling—overwhelmed with a dozen different emotions and thoughts swirling around inside his head. Mike… Mike rebuilt Castle Byers for him. At some point or another, after their fight, after Will destroyed his childhood fort, Mike must have come back to the forest and rebuilt this place to be nearly identical to the one Will grew up with.

Why? Will thinks, and he dares to look over at his best friend. There’s worry written all over Mike’s face, but when he catches Will looking at him, his expression softens. Why would he rebuild this place?

Mike’s gaze flickers to the walls of their shared hiding spot; then, he scoots in closer, so there’s no space left between the two of them. “You probably have a lot of questions,” he whispers, just barely loud enough for Will to hear.

And honestly, Will can’t help but laugh, both because that is the understatement of the year and because this is the worst possible time to find out about this. If they slip up even just a little, then they’ll end up dead—demogorgon dinner in the middle of the forest, miles away from their family and friends. 

“Yeah,” Will breathes, and he glances over again, meeting Mike’s eyes. “Probably… probably not a good time to ask them though.”

Something like a laugh escapes Mike’s lips. “Probably not,” he echoes back and scoots closer. Neither one of them says anything else, and so silence settles over the two of them once again like an old, unwelcome enemy. The only thing that Will can hear is the nervous thumpthumpthump of his own heartbeat, joining in with Mike’s careful breaths taken every few seconds. In and out. In and out. In and out. In and—

“Will?” 

Will flinches and turns back around, so he and Mike can meet eyes once again. It’s a little difficult to see in the darkness, but there’s hesitancy written all over Mike’s face. He looks like he wants to say something—something that’s urgent and something that he’s been waiting forever to say and something that Will simply can’t figure out just by studying his best friend’s face. But whatever it is… it’s important to Mike to say this.

Important enough that he’d risk being heard and found by the demogorgon to say it.

“Yeah?” Will whispers back. He scoots closer too, and maybe it’s the blood loss or the fear or the adrenaline talking, but Will thinks he sees Mike’s eyes wide and hears his breath catches and notices the way Mike’s gaze flickers downward for one, two, three moments too long.

Oh, Will thinks, somewhere distantly in the back of his mind. Maybe that’s the answer to his question. 

Why would Mike rebuild this place?

It feels a little bit ironic, but Will thinks that maybe, just maybe, the answer might just be the same reason he tore down Castle Byers in the first place.

(Because I love you.

Even though I shouldn’t.

Even though it’s supposed to be wrong.

I’m in love with you.)

Mike swallows the lump in his throat. His gaze has returned to Will’s eyes now, instead of his lips—his lips—and he reaches up with a trembling hand to cup Will’s cheek. This time, Will’s breath catches, and he watches with wide eyes as Mike thumbs away some of the dirt on Will’s cheek, taking special care to be as gentle as possible.

“I…” Mike starts to say, but he stops again, lips pressed together nervously. He looks away again, this time glancing out at the world beyond the shared hiding spot. It takes another moment for him to look back at Will, but when he does, he seems a lot more at ease, that familiar determination returning to his face. “We might not make it out of here.”

Will winces. Truthfully, a small part of him had almost forgotten about that, but yeah… that’s the unfortunate reality of the situation they’re in. There’s a monster outside of Castle Byers, and it wants to kill both of them. Will’s ankle is currently bleeding through, and any moment now, the demogorgon might catch onto his scent and come have both of them for dinner.

Romantic. So romantic.

“Right.” Will nods slowly and swallows the lump in his own throat, looking down at their intertwined hands. It feels like some sick joke from the universe that this would happen—that the two of them would finally find the courage to confront everything that has been going on between them, to finally acknowledge the path they’ve been stumbling down together for quite some time now—only when they’re about to die.

Leave it to the universe to give him a shred of happiness and a taste of a happy ending, only to rip it away. 

Mike takes another breath, and he squeezes Will’s hand tighter than he ever has before. “I-I guess,” he whispers nervously, “I… I just wanted to say—”

“Don’t,” Will blurts out.

Mike freezes. In the darkness, his eyes go wide, and he stares back at Will in complete shock. “W-what?”

Will takes a deep breath, glancing at the entrance to Castle Byers, then back at Mike again. “Don’t,” he repeats, softer this time. “Whatever you’re going to say… don’t say it… not if you’re only saying it because we’re about to die.” 

He pauses here, swallowing the lump in his throat and looking away, unable to meet Mike’s eyes. “If you really mean it,” Will says quietly, “then… just wait. Wait until we’re out of here or… or at least until we know we’re safe. Okay?” 

For a while, Mike is quiet, and he grows tense beside Will, like he’s not sure how to take this request. The silence is dreadful, and it makes Will almost regret stopping him from saying this. 

But… if Mike is really going to say what Will thinks he’s going to say, then he can wait. He can wait until the two of them are safe, until they don’t have to hide from a monster trying to kill them, until they both can actually focus on what’s been said to each other, instead of fearing for their goddamn lives. They’ve waited this long. They can wait a little bit longer.

“Okay,” comes Mike’s response, a whisper barely audible in the silence. He shifts closer again to Will and moves, wrapping an arm around Will’s shoulder and pulling him close. “But… but I do mean it, Will. I swear I do.”

Thumpthumpthump goes Will’s nervous heart, and despite the circumstances the two of them are in, Will can’t help but smile. “Good,” he whispers back and looks up at his best friend, meeting his gaze in the darkness. “Then… I’m excited to hear what you have to say. You know… if we don’t die.”

A quiet huff of a laugh escapes Mike’s lips, and he rests his head on Will’s shoulder, hugging him close. “We better not die,” he mumbles. “That would really, really suck.”

“Yeah,” Will whispers back with a laugh of his own. “It really, really would.”

Neither one of them says anything else after this. True to his word, Mike doesn’t say what he had tried to say, but at the same time, he does. The two of them… they’ve never been big on words, anyways. Actions have always spoken louder. So, in the darkness of Castle Byers—that was rebuilt by Mike for Will—the words I love you are never spoken aloud, but they’re said to one another anyways.

Mike holds him closer,  and he gently runs his hand up and down Will’s arm, keeping him calm and reminding him that he isn’t alone. I love you, Mike says, when he lets Will lie against his chest, and when he wraps an old blanket around the two of them. I love you, I love you, I love you.

I love you too, Will thinks to himself, arms wrapped around Mike’s waist. He listens to the quiet sound of Mike’s heartbeat and forces himself to breathe. They’re going to make it out of here. 

They have to. 

#andi's asks #byler #byler ficlet #andi writes not dies

[fonulyn]

so since I've now posted all of my @yearoftheotpevent fics, I figured I'd make one compilation post of them. here's my year of nivannedy!

January: good to be prepared

Leon gets stuck in a snow storm when his car breaks down, and a handsome stranger saves him from the roadside. Of course they hit it off, but only later they realize they actually do know of each other.

February: 'cause you know the love we have is always gonna be

Finally Piers and Leon get married, surrounded by their loved ones, in their very own home. It's been a long road, they've deserved their happy ending.

March: at the shore of the unknown

The end of the world comes quietly, almost secretly, despite them fighting it all these years. But even if the world is ending, Leon and Piers find each other, and their story is only beginning.

April: I crave therefore I am

Piers has been half in love with Leon for as long as he can remember, but no matter how much he's pining, he's not going to be the kind of a dick who tries to come between Leon's current relationship. Except that relationship is not exactly as real as he's been lead to believe.

May: as long as you'll have me

Leon gets infected on a mission, and although there is a known cure, the cure fucking sucks. At least, after Leon alarms him with a few incoherent texts, Piers is there to help him through the worst of it.

June: you're a dream

Piers has been dreaming of his soulmate ever since he was eleven years old, and not even the continuous stream of monsters can keep him from finding whoever that is. Of course, nothing in life can ever be that simple.

July: that heaven in your eyes

Piers and Leon have some honeymoon fun by the lake. It's exactly what they wanted.

August: light in the darkest place

Leon and Piers grew up together, and when at twenty-one they both got a job at the RPD they thought it was a giant stroke of luck. They had no idea their first day was going to be one hell of a long day.

September: all the tears and the fears and the lies and the cries of the past

Krauser kidnaps Leon on Wesker’s orders to use as bait. Things get messy.

October: before I even knew your name

Leon gets an accidental text sent into the wrong number and it ends up changing his life for the better. They might both suck at flirting, especially through text, but that doesn't matter when inexplicably they're still into each other.

November: right from the start

Leon gets some unexpected backup on his rogue mission in the Eastern Slav Republic. Later, he might just have to thank Chris for sending Piers in. Especially as he learns he and Piers work together well in more ways than one.

December: a merry little christmas (make the yuletide gay)

Piers and Leon and their first holidays as a married couple in their own home. Of course with a visit from the Redfields.

I am both incredibly content that I managed to write something for all of the months (even though two of these fics are still technically unfinished, for the Damnation au I haven't posted the last chapter and for the RE2 au I still need to write the rest of it) and really really happy with how they turned out :3

#nivannedy #me and my fics #my fics #my nivannedy fics #i'm gonna make another compilation #of ALL the fic i wrote this year #but i figured these deserved their own post :3

[avatar-news]

Exclusive: Avatar Studios and Netflix are collaborating on the live-action series, which will include new canon material contributed by Avatar Studios!

World peace?!

I’ve been sitting on bits of pieces of this news for literally months now and today I got explicit confirmation of the final puzzle piece that puts everything together.

Paramount and Avatar Studios on one hand, and Netflix and Rideback on the other, are collaborating to make the live-action Avatar series we’ve all been hearing (but not seeing 😂) so much about.

Avatar Studios and Nickelodeon have been listed as one or both of the production companies of the live-action show in multiple authoritative places, including production listings, IMDb, and one of the VFX studios’ websites, and we’ve never known what exactly that relationship entails. Well...

I can tell you the live-action show is on Paramount’s Avatar slate internally, just not their animated Avatar slate (obviously).

The live-action show has the rights to adapt not just the animated ATLA (2005-2008) but also Avatar Studios’ expanded universe, which the live-action show is incorporating in a lot of cool ways (you guys know specifically I’ve been really excited about how they’re incorporating Avatar Kuruk’s backstory from the novels). We’ve known that the cast and crew are knowledgeable about the expanded universe, but I can confirm it’s actually in-script and on-screen in the show too.

The live-action show is using Avatar Studios’ new four elements symbols.

Now, all of these things are cool, but could just be technicalities on their own. But here’s the big one that changes everything:

The live-action show includes new Avatar Studios canon that, at the time of writing and filming, wasn’t released yet.

For example specifically, I have confirmation that a certain new piece of canon info was already in the live-action script at the start of filming in November/December 2021, that was then revealed to be Avatar Studios canon in an Avatar Studios release the next year in 2022.

This means that Avatar Studios is contributing new material to the live-action show before they release it publicly. So theoretically, any new additions in the live-action show could also be canon in upcoming animation/books/etc.

Keep in mind that this doesn’t mean everything added in the live-action will also be canon in animation-- and there’s nothing wrong with the live-action having its own stuff that differs from other mediums. BUT, we do now know that at least some of it is also upcoming Avatar Studios canon, we just won’t know until it’s confirmed or contradicted!

I’m wording this all in terms of “canon” because I know people are obsessed with the concept, but if anything I hope this makes people focus on it less and more on just how well-made something is. If we know that anything new added in the live-action show could be from Avatar Studios or could be exclusive to the live-action, why not just focus on how good it is-- especially knowing that both “canons” just did whatever was best for the show. Think of it kind of like House of the Dragon, where there’s no way to know if changes/new additions are show-only or “what really happened” from George R. R. Martin. Ultimately, it didn’t matter, and it didn’t stop the show from being hugely popular among critics, fans, and general audiences, and winning Best Drama Series at the Golden Globes this week.

This info comes from both my Netflix and Paramount sources, and I have to say that it was really nice to write something that brings both “sides” together. Because there really aren’t sides-- I’ve only ever heard good things about Avatar Studios from Netflix and good things about Netflix from Avatar Studios. They each only have to gain from the other doing well, and now we know they’re collaborating together to make the live-action show, the first new big Avatar franchise release since Korra ended in 2014, as good as it can be. Make no mistake, it’s still Netflix’s own show, created by Albert Kim, and necessarily its own thing because it’s an adaptation. But I think the takeaway is that at the end of the day it’s all Avatar. :)

#news #live action atla #season 1 #adaptation #avatar news exclusive

[ereborne]

1, 2, 4, 8, 12, 15, 17, 20, 26, 32, 44, 46 (weird or genre-defying books), 47, 50

Thank you for so many prompts!! This was so fun to do and now it is so long. I hope it's as good to read as it was to write out!

1) Name the best book you've read so far this year: I answered Aftermarket Afterlife by Seanan McGuire to digs just a moment ago, but I'm glad you asked too, because honorable mention goes to Inheritance by Nora Roberts. It came out in November, not technically 2024, but time is fake and 2024 is just beginning anyway, so I'm counting it. Inheritance starts pretty slow and for a bit I was wondering how it was going to manage a satisfying resolution, and then I realized she was doing something new! (unfair. she's been building to this since 2015, it's just that now is when it's starting to really click with me) Instead of a trilogy with three couples whose romance arcs each get centered in their own book, this is going to be a trilogy focusing on unraveling the family curse/haunting, with the four main characters growing tighter as a unit (and forming their two romantic pairs, of course) throughout. I really like the characters and I am delighted by the curse/haunt storytelling. Cannot wait to see more.

2) Favorite fantasy book(s): this is so hard. okay, okay, brief rundown. brief. I can do this. bookshelf by bookshelf, I think. we'll take as granted everything by Seanan McGuire, sure. Bayou Moon and Magic Strikes by Ilona Andrews. By the Sword and From a High Tower by Mercedes Lackey. Bryony and Roses and Summer in Orcus by T Kingfisher. The Blue Sword by Robin McKinley. Deep Wizardry by Diane Duane. The Long Patrol-Marlfox-Taggerung by Brian Jacques, which I always read in a shot as if they were one book. Similarly, the Protector of the Small and Magic Circle quartets by Tamora Pierce, and the Icewind Dale trilogy by RA Salvatore. Tangled Webs by Elaine Cunningham. The Return of the King by JRR Tolkien (really all the LotR trilogy, but even I cannot say I sit and read them all three straight through as if they were one). The Wee Free Men and Thud! by Terry Pratchett.

4) Favorite science fiction book(s): The Ship Who Sang and Dragonsdawn by Anne McCaffrey. Ancillary Mercy by Ann Leckie. Exit Strategy and Network Effect by Martha Wells. The Galaxy and the Ground Within by Becky Chambers. Rescues and the Rhyssa by TS Porter (also a favored queer fiction book, but I love the alien worldbuilding so much it has to be here)

8) Favorite queer fiction book(s): Humanity for Beginners by Faith Mudge. Nightvine by Felicia Davin. the Harwood Spellbook series by Stephanie Burgis (also a down-in-one-shot series). Holly and Oak by R Cooper.

12) Favorite horror book(s): I haven't read too many horror books, so my pool is limited here, but The Twisted Ones and The Hollow Places by T Kingfisher both gave me the shudders so bad.

15) Which genre(s) are your favorite? Fantasy! I love all the fantasy subgenres, and especially the magical realism overlaps.

17) Favorite finished book series: How finished is finished? A lot of my serieses are made up of several trilogy/quartet subsets together in a world. hmmmm. The Protector of the Small quartet again by Tamora Pierce, I think.

20) Where and how do you find new books to read? I mentioned in my reply to digs that I'm subscribed to a ton of newsletters, but I feel like I undersold their effect on me. I don't know how many I'm subscribed to--just sat here and off the top of my head counted to eighteen that post at least weekly and I'm so sure I'm missing some--and I love having that regular infusion of book progress and reviews and writing thoughts and commentary. I really do recommend that folks subscribe to their favorite authors.

26) Favorite novella(s): Silver Shark by Ilona Andrews. The Seven Brides-to-Be of Generalissimo Vlad by Victoria Goddard. Jackalope Wives by T Kingfisher.

32) Name your favorite author(s): massive overlap with everybody else I've listed here. who haven't I mentioned? Jennie Crusie, Jayne Ann Krentz, JD Robb (which is a Nora Roberts penname but they've got distinct enough works I want to list them out separate). Patricia Briggs, Patricia C Wrede, Max Gladstone, Gail Carriger, Nalini Singh. And Ed Greenwood, about half the time.

44) The book(s) whose stories have become part of your very makeup: The Lord of the Rings trilogy by JRR Tolkien. Watership Down by Richard Adams. Agnes and the Hitman by Jennifer Crusie. Silver Borne by Patricia Briggs. The Wee Free Men by Terry Pratchett. Phoenix & Ashes by Mercedes Lackey. The Hands of the Emperor by Victoria Goddard.

46) I like (weird or genre-defying books), recommend me a book to read, please: First thought was the Humans Are Weird series by Betty Adams, though that might not be what you mean. They're intensely fun collections of 'humans are space-orcs' style vignettes. Maybe more directly books that are weird would be the Craft Sequence series by Max Gladstone and Hammers on Bone by Cassandra Khaw. Very toothy complicated magical realism. And my favorite genre-blending books are always the Elemental Masters books by Mercedes Lackey. A Study in Sable for instance is equal parts a Sherlock Holmes story and a retelling of The Twa Sisters fairytale, and also a coherent installment in an ongoing historical fantasy series about elemental mages in early 1900s England.

47) What are the last three books you read? Indexing by Seanan McGuire, Die in Plain Sight by Elizabeth Lowell, Pirate's Honor by Chris A Jackson

50) What kind of book have you never read but always hope to find at some point in the future? This is such a fascinating question. I don't know that there's anything in particular that I've always wanted and never found, but there are things I'm always looking for more and better examples of. I'm extremely picky about soulmate AUs, so a good one especially captivates me. Oh, or a really well-handled impromptu adoption! Child characters and bureaucracy are both tricky to write and things I know a lot about, and when they're done well they hook me so hard.

#asks #carrionfourth #I have been working on these answers for hours. it's so hard to choose favorites!! #very fun though and very interesting to think some of this through #my bookshelves are grouped a lot more by how they make me feel than by genre so mentally categorizing them was a neat process #I hope you were ready for the enormous wall of text you've inspired! #I feel like it's also a big list of proper nouns with little elaboration but there's no sane way to elaborate on them all #so if anybody would like me to talk more about a given book or author hit me up. I can and will talk about books forever

[drstonetrivia]

Chapter 192 Trivia

Not much this chapter, since it's basically hot potato again with just as much gunfire.

Check out those wisps! I don't think we've seen them before, and there's a tiny line going straight down the middle (Whyman's command, perhaps?)

The lake shown here appears to be Pyramid Lake, which is around 200-250 km away from the Sacramento marker on the map.

I got really excited here that they'd confirm my calculations from last week, but Senku decided it wasn't the right time for math. (It's always the right time for math.)

In half a page, all the predictions I'd heard over the last couple weeks were dismissed. Oh well.

Interestingly, Senku confirms that the bigger the blast radius, the faster the wave is rather than anything to do with the battery!

Chrome doesn't even change pose here (note the position of his finger), so this happened super fast. That's also at least one bottle of revival fluid spilt all over the floor near Senku, so I wonder if that'll affect the speed of his revival (or stop it in its tracks?)

This is the point when the Americans first see the beam: start the timer for 56 seconds!

This is the first time we see Leonard holding a gun. I don't think he's normally a fighter at all, since he's never been shown during any of the other fights and didn't defend against Kohaku's attack on the phone.

Check out Ukyo's arrow! That's definitely used for cutting rather than piercing, and because it's flat like a razor, it was probably easier to sharpen. Historically, true rope-cutting arrows tend to be more crescent-shaped. Also don't look too hard at the angle Ukyo fired from…

I have no idea what this beep sound effect is. Either Ukyo has a receiver of some sort on him and in a single beep he established that the KoS lost their revival fluid, or he simply heard a bottle shatter between all the gunfire and realised they lost the bottle, the beep being irrelevant.

Xeno sure escaped fast! He was tied up and in the middle of the fort the last time we saw him.

I also thought it had only been around 60-80 days since Xeno got taken, as it happened at the end of November/early December and now it’s about mid-February (both estimates), so I guess I was slightly off about that! (Unless Xeno is rounding up a lot ~for the drama~)

Suika needs a new melon. She got shot in the "head", and by the looks of things her lenses are cracked. Hopefully when she revives she'll still be able to use them! (Glass can last a really long time.)

She also lost all her leaves, I wonder if she switches them out regularly?

Stanley, reunited with Xeno, no longer cares about counting bullets or accuracy judging by the lack of circles in his muzzle flash.

Another point about Stanley: he's been sitting with an unlit cigarette in his mouth until Xeno appears, immediately after which he attempts to light it but stops since they discover Suika missing.

Remember this tower has mics set up all over the fort: technically any sound too close to one of the mics will be received by the tower... I don't know how none of these explosions haven't affected this setup yet, if they're planning on using noises like lightning or animals.

It's possible even Stanley himself might activate it by shooting towards the tower before the beam hits, check out all those microphone cables!

Speaking of Stanley, what happened to this trio? They've just disappeared-- did Stanley shoot them?

How a girl who can't see her own feet and needs to feel around the floor to get herself into position is going to save everyone I'm not sure, but I do know Suika is one capable gal.

Also we have a callback to her introduction way back in chapter 20, which just breaks my heart in this context.

This is also the 5th time Ryusui's gotten petrified, so I hope he's having a good time.

I've got no predictions for next chapter because anything can happen at this point, but I do wonder if that single medusa will manage to envelop the whole world, or if the battery will die first. 🤔

#dr stone #192 #trivia #chapters #all my favorite bits of trivia from here ended up in the second half somehow... #stanley snyder

[mirika]

A bit late, but in November 2023 I went to Dutch Comic Con's winter edition and holy shit what a trip.

I will just summarize the whole weekend... I fucking met Elijah Wood. Holy fucking shit. Just writing this already brings me to tears.

On the first day I was dressed with mostly hobbity vibes, no real cosplay... and then on the second day as Mimi from Digimon again.

I never actually got to properly talk to anyone about my Comic Con experience, because my computer broke a little while after and it destroyed me emotionally and financially. Does not take away how special this weekend was for me though.

All weekend the Starbucks wrote my name wrong, except for one time when I went to a different one. I've been Min, Milou, Niemke...

Day one. CHAOS ENSUED. I left super early to make sure I was on-time. The schedule was clear: visit the Q&A, go straight to the hella expensive photobooth, and then finally go shopping.

And so I did! I could do a little bit of shipping in the artist alley in advance, his Q&A started at 11 am and I entered at 10 am (opening time). It was actually weird to be at opening time as I never am. The Q&A was very fun, but sadly I forgot a lot of details since my memory is awfully poor and I did not take notes, and on top of that I had to leave midway to go to the photo booth because Comic Con loves putting photo sessions right after Q&As.

Literally missed half of it to queue in advance. I did meet a very lovely lady in the queue though, dressed as Arwen, she was a teacher in science or something like that. We chatted a lot and we are mutuals on Instagram now. Absolutely adored her. The photo turned out HELLA awkward and I never have the courage to ask for a re-shot despite paying BIG money to get a photo taken, I really hate myself for this, but if I imagine my arm away it's okay.

I also hate how I insisted on wearing this flower crown when I should have known the background was going to be blue. Do I look nervous?I was!

After that I went on with my shopping. And look... THE RETURN OF THE ONIGIRI STAND! Fucking love these rice balls.

Glorious rice balls filled with tuna, with a small wrapping of dried seaweed... yum yum!

I also will showcase of course the merchandise I purchased.

A Digimon TCG gift box with a special Angewomon token, another bottle of mead like this time... again, they did not have cherry cinnamon, so this time my copium was pear cinnamon. A mini Kazuha bodypillow cuz I thought it was funny and they used his NORMAL art, not some weird spicy stuff... a bunch of buttons (the bottom left is a gift for a friend, the others are my new favourite Genshin Impact character, Lyney), a bag that has Lyney's constellation on it WHICH GLOWS IN THE DARK, two key chains also related to Lyney.

And because I still felt a little frustrated about my photo with Elijah, I could not resist buying a selfie with him as well. Also super expensive, and a bit awkward as he stayed on his side of the table, but... I love the photo so much.

I told him... gosh I am sOBBING. I told him I wanted to come as Wilfred (which btw, on day 2 I actually found a Wilfred cosplay, IT WAS SO COOL and he told me I was the ONLY one who recognized him).

So I told Elijah I wanted to go as Wilfred instead, but alas... and you know what he told me????

"Well, you look beautiful."

I'm..................... in tears. I can't believe how someone who is technically a stranger can impact me so much. I am actually proper crying just writing about this now. Elijah fucking Wood said I look beautiful. Let's... let's move to day two.

Day two. So on this day I was again making my way to Elijah Wood's Q&A again at 11 am, and this time I took notes! Which is great as someone with potential aphantasia.

Some notes are...

We touched upon the subject of Daniel Radcliffe and him being a bit of a meme, so he told another story on it. He was in an elevator with someone and he could see this person was building up the courage to say something. He was thinking really hard, and when the elevator opened, he yelled "Harry Potter!" to which Elijah Wood REALLY comedically replied "NO!" and it was SO funny the way he landed his story.

He also mentioned that usually when he is misunderstood for another actor, he kinda lets it slip. He does not want to break their dream. He will only say it if they specifically ask him "are you [name]?" but otherwise he goes with the flow. This has also caused him trouble though, lol.

He ended up deep in conversation with an older woman, I think in a shop. She would be like "hey I saw you on a talk show yesterday" and Elijah was basically thinking: "I was not on one yesterday, but reruns happen all the time, it must've been that" so he went on with it. However, the more she continued, the more he realized it was not actually about him, as the woman went on about how she could relate about his feelings on thanksgiving as a vegan. That is when Elijah realized that it was not about him, it was about Tobey Maguire. He was already in so deep though, he just kind-of laughed it off and hoped the conversation would just end as soon as possible. He did not want to ruin this woman's day of course, but luckily she did end the conversation soon after that, he was so relieved. He just thought it was unique he was mistaken for Tobey Maguire in this instance.

Also very important, he said STROOPwafel correctly, he said the double o in the Dutch way instead of the butchered English way. Bless him.

He also talked so much about his experience with Jim Carrey, loved hearing him talk about him. Basically confirmed Jim is a cool and funny dude.

AND OF COURSE! A fan in the audience: "I have a question. It is very important and can be career changing. [pause]. Will you wear wigs?" - EVERYONE fucking died at the spot. The way it was landed. Fucking fantastic. Bless than fan for bringing it up. It led to Elijah telling about that his wife had not seen this "interview" until recently. He went like "...babe..." in such a tone, it was fantastic.

Brainpower was his Q&A interviewer, he is really talented, love that he also brings up less popular roles. He brought many GOOD questions and notes, a lot about his acting career, but I did not take many notes on it, but we did get a fun fact about what could have been in Dirk Gently season 3. There was going to be an invisible entity that would've basically been there the whole time and there would have been interesting quarrels between Todd and his sister. Man...

Overall... Elijah Wood was a very pleasant man to listen to. He is very calm, he has a sincere kindness to him that I cannot explain. You can tell he has been in the acting business for so long, been doing Comic Con gigs for so long, he was radiating. His eyes just expressed so much friendliness. Comfort. It is odd to describe, and actually kind-of funny considering how much of a horror fan he is, that he is suck a kind and comforting person.

[breathes]

Alright. That was the Q&A. What I noticed during the Q&A was that he had a different look about him though; he had shaved. This triggered my FOMO and purchased ANOTHER expensive photo with the man.

In this photo I am about to post... you may not see it... is a very happy woman. In the queue I was building up an incredible amount of courage; I would regret it if I did not try it... I... I went in to ask for a hug.

"Can I ask a question?" ("yeah") "You can say no, but can I have a hobbit hug?" (not exact quotes, a rough memory of how it went)

And... I actually got to hug Elijah Wood. ;_; I got to receive the realest of hobbit hugs. I was too nervous to properly live in the moment, but it was a blessing. I am proud that I asked, that I had the courage, I would have really regretted it if I did not, and I'm just - ;_;

The photo was after the hug though.

And gosh look at his face, he looks so precious and happy. I did take off my hat from the cosplay to take the photo as you can see. I'm so happy I took the opportunity and took another photo, that I dared ask him for that hug, and I am grateful for his kindness.

That is enough about him... I have more merch to show.

This is a BEAUTIFUL postcard I bought for my bestie Jamaine. It is an astral-looking cat, and I thought it was perfect for her.

I also took a photo of merch I really wanted, but could not afford anymore.

The image does not do it justice though, it was printed on metal and the shimmer made it GORGEOUS. There was also one with Mew and Mewtwo where it looked gorgeous because of the moon shimmering.

But lastly merch that I DID buy, including another gift for friends.

On the left a bath bomb shaped like a d20 with an actual dice set inside. Next to that three buttons, one of Lyney, two D&D buttons (bard/warlock) and a gift button in the glowing bag that made me laugh. The plush on the right was a gift for my bestie Jamaine because it reminded me of her cat, they both look like actual void. The nerds candy string was actually a gift from an old friend from college, she worked at an American & Japanese candy stand.

I also took a bath today with this bath bomb, so it was destiny I would make my Comic Con post today. These were the dice inside:

I love them! I was so excited when I saw them haha. These are now my cleanest dice ever, HAHA!

I also wanted to quickly post this last pic of me meeting my internet-friend June. We had never met IRL yet and I have no idea who she is cosplaying, but still!

I was not entirely prepared for the photo haha, I am still wearing my bag, holding my phone etc... but it is what it is hahaha.

I also had onigiri again, and they finally wrote my name right in the other Starbucks than the last three times I went (I spent a lot of money on these toffee nut lattes).

I went for Mimi because of my cosplay instead of Miri, and besides spelling it right, THEY EVEN ADDED A SMILEY. Bless 'em.

So yeah, that is a summary of possibly the best weekend of my life.

Elijah Wood... thank you SO much... for just being you. Being awesome. Reliving this by writing about it is bringing me so much joy.

— WDCC - 2023 - hobbit vibes / Mimi cosplay DCC - 2023 - no real cosplay WDCC - 2022 - scuffed Ladybug (Miraculous Ladybug) DCC - 2022 - Ladybug (Miraculous Ladybug) / scuffed Ellie (The Last of Us) RCC 2020 - Ladybug (Miraculous Ladybug) WDCC 2019 - Ladybug (Miraculous Ladybug) / Mimi (Digimon) ACC 2019 - no report, little happened

DCC 2019 - Ladybug (Miraculous Ladybug) / Mimi (Digimon) DCC 2018 - Ladybug (Miraculous Ladybug) ACC 2018 - Ladybug (Miraculous Ladybug) DCC 2018 - Ladybug (Miraculous Ladybug) RCC 2018 - Mimi (Digimon) WDCC 2017 - Mimi (Digimon) ACC 2017 - Mimi (Digimon) DCC 2017 - Mimi (Digimon) RCC 2017 - Mimi (Digimon) ACC 2016 - Hook (Once Upon A Time) DCC 2016 - Ladybug (Miraculous Ladybug) DCC 2015 - Sunday - Hobbit (Lord of the Rings) DCC 2015 - Saturday - Ellie (The Last of Us)

#mirika #mirikalj #Possibly the best weekend of my life tbh?

[cartograffiti]

November '23 reading diary

In November I finished 9 books, mostly continuing series. I'm also at the caboose end of being very sick with the RSV, to the point that I actually couldn't comfortably read for more than a week, so this is my encouragement to get the vaccine for it if you've been considering it.

Poison or Protect is the next Gail Carriger novella I needed (I'm going in chronological order), and it was very pleasant, but not more than that. It stars Preshea Buss, who was a supporting character in a clique of mean girls in the YA Finishing School series. I can't say I was particularly compelled by her before, but she's been developed interestingly here, now a grown assassin very annoyed to be attracted to a rival spy at a house party. It should technically stand alone, but I wouldn't start here. Preshea's had a hard life, and if I hadn't read any Carriger before, this character's tendency to distrust strangers by grouping them into broad gendered stereotypes could have made me cringe away.

I thought I was pretty far into the Whyborne & Griffin series, but the massive ebook omnibus I've been repeatedly checking out informed me I was only halfway through as I got into Hoarfrost. I was desperately hoping that wintry title meant they were going to the Yukon Territory, which turned out to be exactly right. This one has a slightly slow-moving classic adventure plot of discovering a lost city, and then Hawk did a breathtaking loop-de-loop to use my genre expectations against me.

A Power Unbound was one of my most anticipated releases of the year, and it delivered. That's it, that's the pitch, go start with A Marvellous Light.

For the Emelan group read I wrapped up the second quartet with Cold Fire, which had an incredible creepy A-plot and a lot of wonderful moments for Daja, but a pretty insubstantial teaching B-plot compared to the rest of the series; and Shatterglass, which has my favorite teaching plot of the quartet, and a solid but kind of impersonal crisis plot. I always think whichever of the four kids I'm reading about at the moment is my favorite, but I really do love Daja and Tris's pov voices, and descriptions of Tris's student glassblowing gave me delightful fever dreams.

The Children of Green Knowe is a very charmingly old-fashioned children's book about a boy sent to live with his great-grandmother, and becomes fascinated with the ghosts that haunt her house. I listened to the audiobook of this and enjoyed the story, which is heartwarming and only a little scary, but I was more struck by how well L.M. Boston integrates storytelling into the action.

System Collapse is the newest Murderbot book. You probably already know whether or not you're interested in this series about a security robot who has hacked itself and has to adapt to living as a free individual. I like it but don't go feral for it, but this one is my favorite so far, and made me want to reread from the beginning. (By which I mean relisten, because I enjoy the audiobooks with Kevin R. Free from WTNV so much I don't want to mix formats.)

Dressing the Part by Hal Rubenstein is the only nonfiction book for the month, a new book about how television shows have influenced off-screen style trends. I found it fascinating, with lots of photos and brief, focused entries for a wide range of shows. I'm not a big television watcher, so the amount of detail was good for me, but it might feel superficial if you're looking for something specific. Unfortunately, I found that it (at least the ebook) has major editing problems, with punctuation errors that confuse the meaning of sentences, and fact-check failures like misidentifying Rita Ora as black.

Masters in this Hall was the only KJ Charles book left on my to-read list, and since it's a Christmas novella, I went ahead and asked a library to buy it for me, and had a wonderful leisurely time reading a chapter or two a night and giggling over the lovers-to-enemies-to-"what do you mean we could have been on the same side all along" plot. Part of a series, but stands alone fine.

My brain is coming back, callooh callay, and I'm hoping I'll be able to finish Storygraph's Read the World challenge this year. I have the last two books picked out, I just need to get through them. Also the new Foz Meadows comes out this week, and I want to inject it directly into my veins.

#November is the most disagreeable month in the whole year #reading diary #bookblr

[fnamarkipliers]

1st fanfic topic: markimoo

WARNING! VERY LARGE AMOUNTS OF MARKIMOO and cussing so... I just got this account and my birthday is 2morrow so, it kinda includes that theme too! Have fun!😊

You look around trying to find a dress for your birthday party that your friend decided to surprise you with last second (hate when that happens 🙄). You rush frantically through your apartment looking for a dress. You decide to just go in your jeans and Yankees T-shirt after your brain told you, "fuck it. just go in what you're wearing."

After a little bit of indecisivness (idek if that's a word!) you check the time to see that you're 20 minutes late already. TO YOUR OWN BIRTHDAY PARTY! You panic and rush out of the apartment and get in your car.

You finally arrived. You look too see only your friend and your crush, Mark, standing there. You frantically apologize and ask your friend why it was only her and Mark (btw your friend here has been dating Mark for a while now). Your mind starts rushing to conclusions

You: "was I so late they left?"

Y/F/N: "No silly! You know you're the not only one that can miss out on stuff!"

You're kinda used to getting confused on her wording because she has a weird disorder that causes her to not talk very well. She also never got the chance to fix that as a kid since nobody would really help her out with it.

You start to process her words for a second until you finally understand what she was saying.

You: "oh so... it wasn't my fault?"

Y/F/N: "no of course not!"

Your pretty surprised at the fact that she actually said that without messing up. You give Mark a thankful smile when you realize that he was the one helping her out with that.

Mark slowly turns around now holding a box with a ribbon on top. You smile at them for a second before Mark reaches out to hand you the box. Your friend looks at Mark like a helpless child that just got stuck on a math equation. She then mouthes the word "oh" when she realizes that it was the present they got you.

Y/F/N: "can we go to your house to open the present?"

You: "Ya! Sure!"

You know for a fact that your house is a mess but you know her house ain't any better so you just shrug it off. She stares at you as Mark walks away to put the box in his car to take to your house. You start to head over to your car just now noticing how cold it was out here. You look back at your friend, looking like she thought it was summer.

You: "how are you not cold?"

Y/F/N: "what do you mean? Im kinda hot now that think I 'bout it!"

You: "you're in a tank top in late November."

Y/F/N: "So, what's your point?"

You shiver in the cold.

You: "THAT TECHNICALLY MEANS ITS WINTER ALREADY!"

Y/F/N: "geez calm down!"

You stare at the ground just now noticing that Mark was standing there listening to you guys bicker about how cold it was outside. You shiver again and this time Mark softly hooks a coat on your shoulder.

Mark: "See! Now we're all happy!"

You finally give him a small smile and head to your car just focusing on the fact that Mark, your forever crush, just hung a coat on your shoulder.

You grab the door handle and start to faintly hear Y/F/N yelling at Mark. You don't like to eavesdrop but when it includes your bff and her bf it's basically a requirement to eavesdrop!

Y/F/N: "WHY! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!

Mark: "babe, calm down she was just cold ok?"

Y/F/N: "OH SO NOW I SHOULD NOW ASSUME THAT IF GIRL ANY GETS COLD YOU CAN BE ALL LOVEY ON HER!"

You now realize that their talking about you. You get in your car slamming the door so you can't hear her screaming at Mark.

You cry and cry until your eyes almost look like their bleeding. Then you hear your car door open. You look over to see Mark standing there with a bloody nose.

You: "did she..."

Mark: "punch me? Ya! Did she break up with me just because I was just trying to be nice? Yep! Maybe she was right..."

You: "right about what?"

Silence.

You: "Mark, you know it's... better to talk to people about this stuff."

Mark: "she... said that... oh nevermind! What the fuck was I thinking!"

You: "well... um since you aren't tel-"

He stops you mid sentence.

Mark: "SHE WAS RIGHT! I LOVE YOU NOT HER! WHY THE FUCK DID I LOVE HER! WHY IM I JUST THE STUPID IDIOT THAT HOOKS UP WITH JERKS LIKE HER!"

You start crying.

Mark: "oh my god I'm sorry I-I didn't mean to-"

You: "I love you too Mark."

Mark: "oh! Umm... I think she's leaving..."

You: "what...?"

Mark: "well... I kinda, maybe, sorta left your birthday present in her car and now have no way to get home... Great!"

You: "what's your definition of 'great'?"

Mark: "well if you say yes to my next question... Then, well... Nevermind."

You: "what's the question?"

Mark, smiling takes your hand and intertwined it with his smiling.

"do you want to be my NEW gf?"

You: "yes Mark. Yes I do."

Mark hugs you and kisses you on the head.

#markiplier #fanfic

[lucysweatslove]

10.28.2023 // I’m not quite sure where I’m going with this journal, but it’s a weird mood re: body connectivity.

Maybe I’ve been having fever dreams lately, but honestly, this is the best I’ve felt physically in a while, so I don’t think it’s quite that. Emotionally though, I’m feeling… weird?

I took two naps today (is it technically Sunday? Yes. But it’s Saturday still in terms of my days). I think the sleeping all week has helped a ton. I don’t feel 100%, but I don’t remember the last time I felt 100%.

During the last nap, the one in which my entire dream was me blogging on Tumblr specifically, I was trying to think of a title for a journal post that I dated November 2019. I don’t remember the day of the month, just 11/__/2019. I want to say it was 13, 18 or 23. Not 28 though because the cream didn’t feel like a 28th.

I bring this up not because the exact date matters, but because November 2019 was the last time I felt decently well. Not perfect, mind you, but this was before I got that upper respiratory infection that kicked off the years of illnesses.

Friday night, I had a mini-meltdown or shutdown or something… I can’t think of the words right now. I had multiple hours of extreme body dysphoria. Not gender dysphoria- it’s not about gender or secondary sex characteristics and more about… just not wanting a body or feeling like I belong or am connected to this specific body. I joke about wishing I could just be a purple sentient mist, but it’s not entirely a joke. I still want to be. I want to be alive and sentient and learning and doing and experiencing. I’m not unhappy with life in general. I love spending time with my husband and my pug and all that. But every time I look at myself, it feels wrong somehow.

Initially last night I was thinking about how much I miss my “old” body. I don’t miss the eating disorder, not really. But I miss how I looked. I never got the chance to delve deep into the pathogenesis of my ED, and I don’t really remember much at all. I think, though, that I may never have felt super connected to my body except when I was making it smaller. There were only a few times in my life where I felt like my body matched me, and they were during that pseudo-recovery period. Where my body was at it’s smallest, or nearly at its smallest, but I wasn’t actively restricting. A “best of both worlds” moment that never could’ve lasted.

I’ve realized since actually starting recovery, with every small change, I’ve become more and more distant with my body. Even though I’ve reconnected with a lot of physical cues, my body doesn’t feel like ME. It feels like a physical meat sack I’m forced to occupy so I can do things that matter to me. Like if you were from the tropics but you are venturing to Antarctica because you were really excited to do some science down there. You are only excited and fulfilled by this topic and can only do the science and gather the data down there. But, because of the cold snow, you have to wear ridiculously restricting and hideous puffy snow clothes. You know there’s no other option- you can only tolerate the Antarctic cold in clothes that feel like “you” for so long before you risk severe damage, and if you left to go back to the tropics, you would be leaving your dream or giving up on your life’s work.

I think I’ve managed the body I’m in right now by this disconnect. I’m really not sure if I CAN safely reconnect as it is- like when I imagine what it looks like, I can see it, but it still doesn’t feel like ME. I can only reconcile my sense of self and my body when I look back in time. At least pre-Covid, but honestly even earlier than that is better. Aside from that, I can’t even connect with an idea of looking like anybody else or any way else- I just want to be a purple must.

So yeah, idk where I’m going with this because it’s impossible to go back in time or become a sentient mist and none of this makes sense anyway.

#personal

[manonamora-if]

Happy October!

This was planned for yesterday, but comp opening and I had bugs to fix.

I managed to "finish" the game and submitted it just on time!

The current build (playable on the IF Comp website starting yesterday lol!) is about 40-50k words long, including all variation (excluding: "codex", "player page", the arcade mode" and some text widgets). While the cap to reach an end is 14 in-game days, the game can be completed around day 5-6 if you only serve perfect drinks. Also, you can just skip that and play the Arcade for lulz.

This has been super nerve-wracking, submitting something to the big league of comps for IF, and it is about to be even more nerve-wracking having people not only play but judging it. It's exciting, but I am a bit anxious about it. And now judging has started...

BUT: my goal was to submit a working project with more than just making random drinks (so a minimum of a story) and place in the top half of the ranking. I've achieved the first, hopefully, the second will be true too :D

Still, I have learned A LOT working on this project: making special widgets, optimizing my code, editing some JavaScript, including more accessibility (key biding, animation-blocker), creating a more interactive game for the player than just choice lists, mastering flex boxes, using the memorize() function (which I had to remove at the end cause it was creating bugs...), using more custom animations in CSS, etc...

I am quite proud of having done all of that in like 3 months or so. Probably not the best timeframe to upload a comp game but eh, I did it anyways :P

I have a bunch of ideas on what to add, but I'll think about that in November. Expect a "post-mortem"/roadmap coming before the Comp Result.

In the meantime, play TTTT on the IF Comp website, as well as the other amazing entries there! Give all participants some love <3 We all worked really hard for it.

Since the last update (only UI x, x) back last February, I've received a handful of reports of bugs in some paths and other issues (typos, colour contrast, etc..). I started looking into it, hoping this would just that, and... there will be quite a bit more to fix on top of those. (It's real rough... I feel very ashamed)

I have learned A LOT about coding since I first made this project public last year. Not only that, but also about formatting text on the screen.

I know full well I should keep the project shelved and leave it be. I've worked enough on it. It showed what I could do at that point in time and is a great point of reference to see how far I've gone.

And yet, looking into the code just made me wince a bit... Especially when I know I could improve it and actually try to make it more accessible in general.

So yeah... Update incoming.

Lol, I already added 1k of words for the English version bc proofreading/editing.

MelS had been writing a few hundred words here and there, pretty much when he gets a chance to write (he's been super busy). He promised me to try to finish the missing Scene of Chapter 2 so I can code them in for the end of the month release. I have a backup planned if this doesn't work out.

Currently not much on that front. But further updates will be planned throughout the month!

OTHER PROJECTS/NOTES:

I will be uploading 3 more rounds of Exquisite Cadaver sometime this month and add another theme! You will see another theme form passing by to choose the next one :)

I am also bringing Crimson Rose & White Lily out of official Hiatus. The writing of the next scene has technically started, but it won't be full steam ahead for another week or two.

I am taking SugarCube coding questions again! If you need an explanation about the use of a certain macro, or how to do a certain thing in CSS, etc...

Will I manage doing everything this month? Probably not :P

#progress #update #tttt #mtp #ttateh #ec #crwl #the thick table tavern #meeting the parents #the trials and tribulations of edward harcourt #exquisite cadaver #crimson rose and white lily

[studywithanoodle]

Weeks 3 and 4

It's been a bit since my last post! My bio midterm was Wednesday, so my time was taken up by that as well as my mental health problems that came up again last week. That will be discussed more in the next section of my post. I also got my midterm score at midnight on Friday, so I will reflect on that as well.

A View Into My Week of Work and Studying

I found out that I have to take the final for Calculus 2 at my school so that I can take Calculus 3 next semester, which slightly concerns me because of how it'll fit in my schedule at this point in registration. I registered for classes on November 1st, and my schedule looks pretty good other than my long day on Wednesdays. It pretty much has everything that I need, including Monday mornings free when I travel back to school from home and Friday afternoons free before peak time for the train back home so that my commute is cheaper. Because of this, I created a calendar to space out my review of Calculus 2 topics so that I can be prepared in time for finals week.

I found out that I can't take Physics 2 next semester since it would be technically re-enrollment due to my transfer credits from high school and would require a whole process, so I decided that I would audit the class. I like this option a lot better because I won't have to do labs LOL but I get access to the subject material and can practice my skills. On this note, I'm unable to tutor in the Learning Resource Center this semester, but next semester I should have a spot.

Now, for my review of my bio midterm! I studied a lot for it in the two weeks leading up to it, which resulted in me finishing it in around 15-20 minutes. In the days leading up to the release of grades, I kept hearing people discuss the answers to certain questions that were hard, and I started get nervous about my score.

I ended up getting an 86, so if I had gotten one more question right, I would've gotten an A, which I'm slightly upset about. I aimed for an A, so I'm not the happiest, but it's definitely advantageous considering the curving and the fact that the median score was a 59 like the last midterm. I'm really trying to figure out how to study better so I can get an A+, which is obviously possible considering someone got a 96. If anyone has any extremely obscure tips, let me know ahaha I feel like I've seen everything!

I'm currently working on my application to a neurosurgery summer program, so I requested a letter of recommendation from my mentor. The acceptance rate is around 3%, which I'm concerned about, so I'm looking at other summer research programs. Even if they don't end up being for neurosurgery, I can gain a lot from doing clinical neuroscience research at a major institution somewhere. I just really hope I get into the program of my choice, though.

Concerns

This is where I discuss the mental health episode that I had last week (not this week that just passed). I think that it's important to discuss mental health when it comes to being a student and a productive individual outside of academics. My depression (which for now is undiagnosed but I'm on the road to treatment for it) affects my life in many facets, as it would for anyone else. I definitely would categorize it as high-functioning, but I've had really bad depressive episodes a few times, with them occurring only in 2022. This is most likely because my condition went untreated for a while, so that kind of stress builds up. This episode in particular delayed my submission of my paper for my writing class, which was the second one that I unfortunately submitted late already this semester.

Part of the stress comes from not really feeling comfortable with the community since my class in my program is small, so I don't have any friends in it. I started meeting with a study group, and we helped each other with doing better on the midterm for bio, but it's not really like I would hang out with them normally? I don't really know. Well, there's our vulnerability statement for this week lol.

Hobby Analysis

Yesterday, I took out time to watch youtube videos and crochet a bit, which was really fun. I missed watching tiktok compilations on youtube and crocheting at the same time, which was something I did on the weekends often during my senior year in high school. I really enjoy it because I usually learn a lot since they're social justice videos.

Hopes for Next Week

I hope that in the upcoming week, I get more on track with my calculus studying since this week was kind of wild considering I had to travel home. I'm starting mentoring, so that's going to be an enjoyable experience, as well. I hope that I start doing my research proposal for my writing class in a timely manner as to prevent a situation like the one from last week. Finally, I hope that I can finalize my list of summer research programs and be more diligent with work on my clinical research.

Until next week!

#studyblr #studyspo #study aesthetic #study space #studysthetics #dark academia #academia #study blog #study notes #books #music #reading #college #university #sunlight #writing #scienceblr #medblr #study inspo #home #study desk #medical school #productivity

[galacticlamps]

I was tagged by @terryfphanatics​ (thanks! sorry I took forever - I started answering these & didn’t finish and just remembered it was in my drafts)

What book are you currently reading?

The Two Towers! which upsets me bc I’ve been at it since August (technically - I wasn’t ‘at it’ in, uh, October, November, December, January, or February, for lack of time - but I’m back at it now, and I even convinced myself to start over from the beginning so I didn’t forget anything)

What's your favourite movie you saw in a cinema this year?

sorry but the last time I went to a movie theater was probably in 2017, 2018 at the latest, so... yeah I’ve got nothing

What do you usually wear?

jeans, boots, at this point in the winter usually some combination of flannels, sweaters and/or sweatshirts. (I’ve been really cold lately)

How tall are you?

5′6″ ish

What's your star sign?

capricorn

Do you share your birthday with a celebrity or historical event?

I do, yeah

Do you go by your name or a nickname?

mostly nicknames, I have quite a few at this point. I’ve yet to pick one to use on here, I should probably do that soon, I’ve been meaning to for years now

Did you grow up to be what you wanted to be as a child?

I don’t recall ever wanting to be anything in particular as a child, honestly, but I can say that so far I’ve pretty much stuck to the career path that first caught my interest in high school, if that counts

Are you in a relationship? Who is your crush if not?

nope! and it’s been a very long time since I’ve had a serious crush either, which I’m honestly grateful for. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship at this exact point in my life anyway, so I’m just gonna keep vaguely admiring every funny girl who’s kind to me for the time being without actually developing feelings for her. I hope It seems to be going well so far mostly

What's something you're good at versus something you're bad at?

(I’m trying to think of two that relate to each other)

I am very good at drawing objects and not at all good at drawing people! technical plans are something I’ve dealt with extensively both academically & professionally, but in the more general sense I’ve always been an ‘I can’t draw’ person. tbh I should find some of those artists who complain about backgrounds and just do all their architecture etc for them

Dogs or cats?

nothing against dogs but cats for sure, always cats

What's something you'd like to create content for?

not to sound like a jerk, but I work in the arts industry & really hate the place ‘content creation’ has come to occupy in everyone’s vocabulary, even though I totally realize that in a context like this it’s probably just trying to be a vague enough term to be inclusive of the many different things people can create. I like writing the fanfic that I do, so without switching subjects, I would like to get better at drawing people because sometimes I have ideas that would be better expressed as images or even short comics

What's something you're currently obsessed with?

Obsessing over 60s who is my baseline so I don’t think that counts - but it’s been almost a month since I watched Holding Achilles & there have only been hours when I didn’t think of it, not entire days

What's something you were excited about that turned out to be disappointing this year?

Ngl, (& not to be a total downer, but) the last 12 months-ish have been an extremely busy/hectic/unpredictable year for me, with both the good & the bad stuff coming out of left field most of the time. So while there were certainly more than enough disappointments, for the most part, they weren’t the kinds of things you could be excited about beforehand (relatives dying, people fighting, strained relationships, illnesses, work stuff in a perpetual state of flux - or as I’ve taken to calling it: death disease & dubious employment). I suppose there were a lot of events I wanted to make it to that I didn’t, due to the aforementioned junk, and I certainly imagined myself getting to read more books & write more fics than I did, but that doesn’t feel like a good specific answer.

What's a hidden talent of yours?

I suppose that depends who you ask? There are lots of work or work-adjacent skills I could name that would be news to people on here, but those are such prominent parts of my life otherwise that they definitely don’t feel ‘hidden.’ But I guess even among people who expect me to be handy/crafty, more overtly artistic things tend to surprise them - like I’ve had people forget that I was the one who painted something, for instance, because that’s not the kind of skill most associate with me. (and I am very good with color & pigment tbh)

Are you religious?

nah. I’m not like, a committed atheist or anything either, I just grew up catholic & don’t go in for that anymore, nor do I have any desire to go seek out another faith

What's something you wish to have at this moment?

time uh, let’s say a haircut

tagging people kinda seems rude after taking multiple months to come up with so many kind of non-answers oops, but if anyone would like to copy the questions, either as an opportunity to do a little q&a or an excuse to tag/ask your friends, be my guest

#ask games #of sorts

[shieldmaidencreative]

A Review and Reflection on the documentary Final Accounts

Last night, while making stuff and looking for something to listen to as I did, I found a documentary on Netflix, called Final Accounts. I hadn’t heard of it before, but from the synopsis I could see that it was interviews with Germans who lived in Germany at the time of the Third Reich. I thought that sounded interesting. Little did I know I would be absorbed by one of the most fascinating documentaries I’ve ever seen. I’m so haunted by it that I watched it again today.

I’ve made a study of World War II since I was in elementary school. I’ve read countless books about many aspects of the conflict: the underground resistance movements in Nazi occupied countries, fleet actions in the Pacific and Atlantic, Rommel and his tanks in Africa, the Blitzkrieg and miraculously timely leadership of Churchill, many accounts of the survivors of the Holocaust and their experiences. Some of it I’ve read from a strategic interest as someone who has always studied wars and how they have been one or lost; some of it I’ve read from a point of terrified fascination regarding how regular people can allow their country to do something so terrible in “modern” times. This documentary afforded me a new perspective, that I truly didn’t expect to get under my skin as much as it did.

Beginning in 2008, the filmmaker of Final Accounts decided he was going to go and interview German people who had lived within Germany during the rise of Hitler, and through World War II. He interviews individuals, usually one at a time, in their homes, and asks them questions in a largely chronological way. Many of them were children when Hitler came into power, and they recount their recollections of being part of the mandatory Hitler Youth organizations, beginning at age 10, for males and females. We see the warmth of the recollections of camaraderie and youthful excitement, and hear some of the trepidation in a few accounts regarding the discomfort as relatives perhaps questioned what was happening in Germany.

In those sections, I saw what I largely expected. There was discussion of how Jews were starting to be treated poorly in the earlier 1930s, and shame at some of that. Honestly, without examining my own perspective too much, I thought we would see some warm fuzzies at the lost activities of youth, but widespread condemnation of what the Nazis did after their full rise to power. And we do see that in part. But as the documentary progressed, and the recollections became those of no longer children but now active German adults in Nazi Germany, a lot more human nature showed itself on display.

Where the self accountability really began to diverge is when the subjects began discussing their recollections around Kristallnacht, November 9-10 1938. For those who may not be aware, that is the night that Hitler gave a fiery speech against Jews, and all across Germany a systematic attack against the Jewish people began. Many were murdered, more than 1400 synagogues were burned, thousands of Jewish homes and businesses were burned and looted (the term Kristallnacht, or “crystal night”, itself comes from the smatterings of broken glass across the streets of the Jewish neighborhoods), and more than 30,000 Jewish people were arrested. And what was fascinating, is while the documentary subjects had been forthcoming about seeing Nazi material and what they did in the Hitler Youth organizations, suddenly some of them were…mysteriously unaware. They claimed they saw smoke, but had no idea what it was from. They were taken to the neighborhoods to view the aftermath, but oddly didn’t know why they were taken there. Most shocking, was a man who when asked if he considered the burning of the synagogues a crime, candidly said, “No. No I don’t consider it a crime. I didn’t feel bad for the Jews.” Then we see him reflect further, and say, “Well I suppose technically it must be a crime. It was someone’s property, so I suppose technically according to the law it was. But I didn’t consider it to be.”

This cognitive dissonance is fascinating and unnerving, and it was just the beginning. What I realized as I watched, is that we were seeing the aftermath of decades of guilt, whether realized or not, and the coping mechanisms these people had created over the course of the ensuing 70 years. They could recall the exact marching songs for hiking in the woods as Nazi children, but couldn’t remember Kristallnacht. And this is the sort of refrain that would become increasingly common as we moved through the timeline of World War II.

When asked about concentration camps that were in the towns some of the subjects lived in, we see many claim to have had “no idea” what was happening. Meanwhile, their contemporary subjects are saying they saw plumes of smoke from 2 kilometers away from the ovens, they could see starving prisoners over the gates, they saw trains of people coming in and never trains of people leaving. They saw people being beaten and hanged. And to see these two very different types of recollection, was chilling and fascinating. Clearly there were many who chose to stick with the “company line” of ignorance, EVEN IN THE CASE OF SOME WHO WERE WORKING AT THE CAMPS.

Most the men interviewed were SS, and yet some of them claimed that the SS had nothing at all to do with the camps; that they were soldiers of honor who only fought for Germany on the frontlines. Meanwhile, as one of their contemporaries pointed out, sure there were SS on the frontlines. They were the ones burning entire villages in pogroms, and then sending the survivors in on trains. For those who aren’t aware, the SS were essentially the ringleaders of much of the exterminations, in many ways. The claim that they weren’t involved, would be laughable, if it weren’t such a dire subject.

One of the most impactful scenes to me, among many that I am sure will stay with me forever, is one of the former Nazi soldiers standing in the gated yard of a farm and talking about how the nearby camp had many prisoners. He offhandedly mentions that many of the prisoners would be found within the walls of the farm, trying to escape. He then mentions that it was his family farm. The interviewer asks him, what happened to those people? Oh, they would be rounded up, he says. And then what, asks the interviewer? Oh I have no idea. No one knows. No idea. The interviewer asks, how did they know that there were people hiding here? And we then see the answer, that the interviewer called and turned them in, get painfully and evasively answered. On display across his face, is guilt, defensiveness, evasion, discomfort, and the hints of self loathing, chasing one another like clouds.

There was one former Nazi soldier who seemed to me, have been trying to come a reckoning about his part. Unlike many of the other interviewees, he admitted that he was complacent, and that his complacency and the complacency of others like him is what allowed this to happen. We are shown a room with this man speaking to a group of young people with blurred faces. He tells them that he is proud that he served his country, but ashamed of what his country did. And in a shocking rebuttal, a young man in the crowd vehemently argues that he had nothing to be ashamed of. That this man should not be ashamed of fellow Germans, but instead of “Albanians who would stab you on the train”. This uncomfortable discussion happens, in which both men are arguing back and forth, with the former Nazi saying, You sound just like them! And to hear the arguments that Hitler used to justify his terror, come from the mouth of a young person in the current day, was absolutely bone chilling. I felt that the former Nazi in this scene had done the closest one could come to self atonement. He did not seek to skirt responsibility; he did not use the excuses that so many others did in their interviews, of “I didn’t know. It wasn’t me. It was others who did it. I had no idea.” He takes credit for both his actions and his inactions, and has decided the only way to make up for it is to educate others to try to keep it from happening again.

As I previously alluded to, I went into this, without thinking very hard about it, having expectations of how people would behave. And my expectations were woefully off in most cases. As I reassess the reality of how the former Nazis dealt with the guilt of the Holocaust, as an American of course I looked at it through that lens. In America’s history, there are many awful acts. The slave trade, the treatment of the Native Americans, manifest destiny, Jim Crow laws…there are many acts that are shameful in our past. Frequently, in thinking of how we as a nation parse that history without tearing ourselves apart, I have compared the shame of our sins to the shame of Germany’s. But it was only after watching this documentary, and being shocked by not only the denial and excuses, but also by the modern Nazi ideals raising their head again, that I realized an important difference I hadn’t pondered before.

In recent years, it’s been clear that in America we are still reckoning with much of our past. And we have our share of deniers, as well as those who stunningly think the past doesn’t deserve to be examined or taught, unless it makes us feel good. What I believe is an important distinction in America’s reckoning, that seems to have heavily affected the way some Germans process their sins, is that the issues in America’s past have been changed from within. We didn’t stop the slave trade because the rest of the world forced us; Americans decided it needed to change and it did. The Jim Crow laws and racial segregation didn’t start to change because the UN said so; Americans thought we could do better. But in the case of Germany, the Final Solution didn’t fizzle out at 6 million Jews, instead of all of them, because the German people decided they had had enough. It stopped because the Allies finally defeated Germany, and Hitler ate a bullet rather than face accountability.

I believe the most important thing to do when history is uncomfortable and shameful, is to shine a light on it and figure out why it happened, until we can be sure that we aren’t accidentally waltzing the same steps to a different song, and thinking we have come up with something new. When I was a child in school, the school system I was part of seemed to believe that too. I was lucky in that I was taught about the Trail of Tears, the Holocaust, and how awful slavery was. But that is increasingly becoming a rarity in many parts of our country.

We need to be proud, not of the mistakes that we’ve made, but that we took the steps needed to start on the hard road to change. Because as this documentary helps to highlight, that is rare in human history. Most of the ugliest parts of history were born from the seeds of complacency and looking the other way. And from what I can glean, if someone comes in and forces you to change, it’s much harder to admit that you’ve made mistakes. One of the subjects, a literal SS officer, said he didn’t even blame Hitler for the Holocaust. He said, “Nuremberg said Hitler was guilty, but the German courts didn't. So I don’t believe I am guilty either, according to Germany.” That lack of accountability, wrapped in shame and evasiveness, is a poison that it would seem still needs to be drained.

I know that Germany has a nation has done many things to atone for what it did, and has made great strides to be equal and face down its past (in many ways, they seem to be doing better than we are at it these days). But the fears born of populism, the Other, and feeling unheard are able to combine into very heady cultural monsters, and they are never as far away as we think; particularly in the age of misinformation and a seeming lessening of critical thought. This documentary truly did a wonderful job of reminding us that human nature hates guilt, and it will take the grains of sand from a shameful past and use whatever excuse it can to coat them with pearls of complacency and evasion. And it’s a lesson we should all listen to. Please watch this very important film. It’s only on Netflix until March 1st, which is a shame. Because it’s truly one that should make us all examine what we think we know, and remind us of where true evil really lies: just around the corner.

[weabooweedwitch]

Girl do you love him or do you love the approval he gives you? Do you love him as a person for who he is, or is he the first guy to show you attention and you think he's the only guy who will ever be interested in you? Sorry if that's blunt but there's a key difference and you have to be careful with this stuff because you don't want your vulnerabilities to be taken advantage of. The speed at which you've gone from 'I like him he's a nice friend' to 'I love him' is a little concerning. Go slow!!! Figure out if he's actually worth your time, be on the lookout for red flags and don't gloss over them or ignore them just to keep the relationship. Figure out if you actually like *him* separate from his approval and validation, ask yourself which qualities he has that you like/find attractive. Any rando in the world could give you those 2 things, they have nothing to do with him as a person. And don't get attached too quickly, you need to be emotionally able to back out if he's showing major 🚩🚩🚩 at any point!

(source: dated a "nice guy" for those exact 2 reasons confusing it for love, 'fell in love' fast and basically ruined the life I had because he turned out to be a cheating abuser)

(I know I've been making a lot of long ass posts and answers lately, my bad :c, I actually was trying to reply to this during my shift and then was so bushed after I got home I fell asleep)

No you're totally right dont get me wrong, very valid concerns, and I think about this constantly because I don't want to fuck up and say something to him and turn around and not mean it or whatever, or like torally ruin our friendship and creep him out and chase him away. Idk. I guess I just think of our relationship and it's always been kind of weird but good in that online friend way?

So we met and began talking around 8, 9, 10 years ago and you know we were a little flirty back then but you know, nothing serious, we were mostly just buds talking about video games and such. And we just... our friendship back then is so similar to how it is now? Like I stopped talking to him before I turned 18 (for this exact same reason actually: catching feelings and feeling like I'm putting him in a weird position) and he sought me out this year all the time later sometime in August or November, like he literally scoured facebook for me, me specifically to reconnect because he lost people during the pandemic and had a few bouts of depression and was seeking lost connections and like. Talking to him feels exactly the same. Exactly the same. He often messages me first, to send memes or jokes or start talking about a topic, like we were talking basically every day, and since we reconnected it's been exactly the same? 🥺

But I also recognize like. There was about an 8 or so year gap in our communication so I guess we have only technically known each other for like 2 or 3ish years? But 🥺 it still feels the same. I still like talking to him. We agree on a lot of things and when we don't he is always respectful, he isn't one of those guys who starts shitting on you and demeaning you. And he doesn't enable me either! He's supportive of my mental health struggles and that I'm trying but he also pointed a lot of stuff out to me when I was spending time with him, like telling me I smoke way too much (his exact phrasing was "herb addled") and said I need to cut down for my health 🥺 and like lmao we got stoned and took a 3am walk to the 7/11 and he kind of, lol, stopped me from getting way too much food just because I had munchies, and also was trying to save me money because, you know, gas station food isn't always cheap

I dunno, he. Inspires me to be a better person. But I also recognize that even if we get along really well and have known each other for some time that I don't actually know a lot about him personally. Like I keep forgetting how old he is, I didn't know he had siblings, I only recently started finding out like his music tastes and such, idk. I want to learn more about him and share moments and things with him 🥺

We also just have a lot of really good conversations. Like it's weird we've just been able to talk so easily and so often without even knowing each other super personally which is the step that's coming now I guess?

I guess if I were to start listing things off about him that I like... He's very honest. I never have to be afraid he's secretly thinking something different; he's an open communicator, albeit a little blunt at times but he jokingly often refers to that as 'a side effect of the 'tism' but it's helpful you know? He doesn't mince words? Like he told me straight up that I tend to ramble sometimes because I'm insecure of the silence and that's totally correct. He encourages me to get away from my mom and kind of just my family in general, encourages me to be more of my own person. Like there have been so many many MANY conversations over the years and recently too where I'm just kind of venting to him and he gives me not just support but feedback, it's not just all "wow that sucks sorry to hear" but also "that's tough but it is a challenge you can overcome". There are so many times where I don't trust my own judgment and he's gone "no you didn't deserve that, that was really shitty, you didn't do anything wrong"

He's so smart 🥰 he's one of those guys that you go to tell him about something and he already knows, and also probably knows more than you do. He's getting a degree in botany or horticulture of some kind (his grades are so good too, he's shown me his like report card whatever, I'm so proud) and he's very avid and passionate about the environment and like, "being the change you want to see in the world". Like I loved going to his house and seeing all his gorgeous plants which he takes care of so meticulously and he knows all their scientific names and stuff. He grows succulents, man. Bitches love succulents

He's good at figuring out what he wants and working towards that goal. Hes good at regulating and setting boundaries on things that might be detrimental, like after I came back from the visit, he let me know that he was going to start turning his phone off at certain hours because of school now that jos break was over, he usually let's me know when he's going to bed so I'm not hanging on for a reply or anything. He's actually trying to distance from certain forms of like social media and online content because he thinks there's way too much stuff that's frivolous now and like, that can sometimes sound vaguely douchey but I actually totally agree? Like the amount of time I spend on my phone is insane and I know I'm wasting so much time on bullshit and I wish I could take control like he can

So uh, the uh, the night we had sex, right. I was going to use a rideshare service and no one was available and it was like 3am. And I was sitting there and he was saying "no I'm not going to let you try and walk out there at night it's not safe" and being caring like that and i just started crying and he started to hold me, like I was sitting in the couch and he was standing and he just hunched down to hold me because that was what I needed. I started apologizing, that I always felt like he's having to take care of me, that I hate being such a burden, and he soothed all those worries and just, kept holding me. He actually sat down on the couch next to me so he could hold me for a while as I just sobbed, squeezing me really tight, rocking me back and forth until I calmed down, which I eventually did, and it kind of came to the topic of where to sleep, and he says something like "it would be a lot easier to hold you if we were both lying down" which, was kind of going to be implied anyways. I kind of knew going up there we were probably going to get physical haha. But he wasn't bringing it up in a crazy way, you know? And when he was going into his bedroom and I kind of hesitated because I was nervous, he kind of, gave me this pause and this look like he was asking if I was coming but it was ok if I didn't, you know? He made sure I was OK, and I was. And we just lied in his bed cuddling as I sniffled and we just started talking about all sorts of stuff and, yeah

I mean. The sex itself was. Like. It's. Not to be cheesy but it was genuinely how I always wanted my first time to be, although this was my second time and the first was so icky we ain't gonna talk about it lmao. Perfect communication, asking how i felt, if I had any feedback, was there anything specific I wanted to do WHICH HE DID BTW fjfjgngjg. Like I felt SO comfortable and safe. I even got a little bold with him in ways that literally light my face on fire but it was because I trusted him so much. Like literally there was a point where he said I could do whatever I wanted to him and you know what I did? I started massaging his hand and arm where his injury is, I had him lay on his tummy so I could massage his back, because I wanted him to feel better, like ever since I hears he was injured I was wanting to try and help him like that 🥺

There were points where we were just, cuddling naked, just peaceful, feeling the warmth of each other's skin. I was the little spoon AND the big spoon and he'd be resting his head on my chest or tummy and I'd just be running my fingers through his hair and he also makes these little groaning noises when something feels good so it's like he purrs a little bit 🥰 and I mean. There was definitely some spice too but idk how comfortable you guys are in hearing those parts. Like for example there were a few times I kept accidentally bringing up my mom or rambling to be anxious and he would just silence me with a kiss because he knew I was anxious and shit. Or uh. Haha. He was kind of a biter so at some point he's trying to get an answer out of what something I would like to try was and I was being too shy so he just starts BITING ME like not hard but in a "ooo stop don't do that omg 🥰" kind of way until I came out and said it (and he did do it, quite enthusiastically too 🥵)

We talked a lot about my relationship with my mom and one of his biggest pieces of advice was something like "your mom is shitty for sure but the way you are holding on to your anger is making things worse. You're getting bent out of shape over very small things at this point and you're only stressing yourself out, you need to let some of that rage go and move on". He's actually been studying aspects of Buddhism and tries to incorporate some of those aspects into his life which o also really like, he also burned incense in his room which had a nice smell 🥰

I. I dont know. Like I fully recognize I need to spend more time with him and get to know him more before I make any significant decisions but. My heart is such a mess. Even if it's unhealthy or weird I know I feel. Even if it's temporary. Even if it's because I'm a freak. Nothing has to be said or done now. I just want to see him. Spend time with him. Support him. Recently he had an incident with a girl he liked and was talking to and spending time with and he invited her to spend time with him and she suddenly said "you make me uncomfortable" and gave him a really bad depressive episode? And he said during our visit, "yeah I'm gonna keep trying but next time it falls through I'm giving up on dating apps" and like. Last night I was thinking... if it's making him feel so depressed and alone... I would completely humiliate myself just to soothe him. I'd tell him I love him and how much he means to me and say "even if you don't want me, even if I'll never be that person for you, I want you to know you're capable of making people feel this way and you're worthy of love and even if it isn't me I know you'll find someone someday because youre smart and caring and responsible and wonderful"

And I mean... that's love isn't it? 🥺