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atlas-of-a-human-soul · 3 years

Text

Draw your swords, pt. 13

Summary: Terrified of losing Y/N, the Darkling lets his defenses fall.

Warnings: angst, slight fluff, sexual content

Part one // Part two // Part three // Part four // Part five // Part six // Part seven // Part eight // Part nine // Part ten // Part eleven // Part twelve

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“Stay with me”, the Darkling trembled as he rushed back to the camp. He held her body close to his chest, her head slumped right where his heart beats thunderstorms in her name.

She’s slipping away, he can feel it. The injuries she suffered and the power she used weakened her irreversibly.

He should be angry with her, enraged, but he had no strength to spare for violent emotions. His heart couldn’t bare much more than the pain he found himself drowning in. It wasn’t the pain of his own wounds, rather the pain of her parted lips and ragged breaths that came like final gushes of air her lungs released.

“HEALER!” He shouted, hoping, praying to the Saints he never believed in before.

“HEALER!” There was something in his screams for help, an unimaginable pain behind it.

Y/N’s fingers twitched, her chest rising in a strange manner; what should expand with an inhale suddenly draws in, a paradox he had seen in dying soldiers.

“HEALER!” It was the kind of scream that went straight for the heart.

Everyone tensed, following the Darkling – a man who never showed genuine emotion other than rage. His call for healers felt like a cry from the heart and soul that stretched across the foundations of who he is. The anguish tore through him as he saw a healer run toward him.

Letting out a shuddered breath in relief, he collapsed to his knees. “Not me!” He growled as the healer tried placing her hands on him, “Help her! Save my wife!”

Nodding, the healer looked down at Y/N with wide eyes. Another healer arrived too, then another, and another.

The Darkling refused to let her out of his embrace as two of the healers tried to take her away. “No!”

“We have to take her”, the first healer insisted. “She doesn’t have long and we have to act fast and that’s not going to happen while you’re clinging to her!” Eyes wide, she covers her mouth as it dawns on her who she’s speaking to. “Respectfully, General.”

Staring at her with raw suffering, Aleksander licked his trembling lips. He closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around her. Leaning in, he pressed a kiss to her temple instead of her forehead – forehead kisses in this moment would feel as if he’s kissing her corpse before her final rest.

He couldn’t stomach that thought.

“If you die, I’ll never forgive you”, he whispers.

This isn’t how it’s meant to be, how it’s supposed to be. He could never believe anyone ever loved anyone the way he loves her.

Nothing ever made him so frightened as the thought of losing her.

“Take her”, Mal tells them. Looking down at Kirigan who seemed incapable of standing back up on his own, he realized he had to take over.. “And send someone for your General. Send everyone for the wounded in the field.”

Aleksander looked up, jaw clenched and eyes swimming in tears he has yet to shed.

“I’m not leaving”, Mal quipped. “She’s my General.”

Y/N wasn’t able to scream, despite the pain darkening her mind. She tried to focus on her breathing, on staying alive. The only awareness she had was of Aleksander’s arms around her – she felt his scent. When he touched her face, when he tried to gain her attention, she couldn’t open her eyes. Her ears kept ringing, mixing with a rumbling inside his chest. She managed to blink her eyes open once, just one more time to see him, but all she managed to get was a glimpse of his chin and beard.

She wondered how he’d look without it, if it would make him seem boyish, softer. Maybe it would have erased the burden on his shoulders - they may be wide, but they shouldn’t have to carry all that weight alone.

Suddenly, his scent was gone. She tried to reach for him, but her arms could not move, hanging freely instead. Cold seeped in, clinging to her insides, wrapping itself around her heart.

Slowly, her agony had faded. The pain gradually lifted, dissipating like fog. For a moment, she wondered if this is what death feels like – no more pain? No more suffering? Being alone and cold?

Despite everything, if she had a choice, she’d embrace the pain. If pain means she would return to him, to his warm arms, she’d gladly suffer.

Dizzy, confused, she felt herself being pulled up into reality. The disjointed haze receded enough for her to make sense of the world around her. Her eyelids feel heavy as she opens her eyes, the edges of her vision flickering. Blinking fast, her eyebrows knitted as her vision blurred.

‘Aleksander’, she wanted to call, but couldn’t say a word.

How odd it is that he’s the last one she thought about when she thought she’d die and he’s still the first one to come to mind when she wakes?

She no longer felt cold. He always had the ability to keep the cold away.

Sniffling, she jerked her hands away as she became aware of another’s touch. Sitting up on a table she was laid upon, she pulled herself aside before looking to the one who touched her earlier.

“It’s just me”, he raised his hands in mock surrender. “I needed to see you.” His voice is soft, sweet like honey.

Scoffing, she narrows her eyes at him and the cup of water he held out for her to take. Her mouth is dry, her throat like sandpaper. She may be angry with him, but the water he held out felt more important than their fight.

“Are you in any pain?” He asks, watching her drink all of the water in one go. “I could have them come and take it away.”

Letting out a loud sigh, she wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. Raising an eyebrow, she licked her dry lips.

“Can they take you away?”

Snorting, he suppresses a smile. As long as she’s capable of annoying him, she’s going to be fine.

“What were you thinking?” Threading his fingers through his hair, Aleksander frowned. “You could have died.”

“Would have saved you a lot of trouble in the future”, she quips. Standing, she stumbles.

Feeling his hands on her waist, Y/N felt her heart skip a beat. Even now, when she’d like nothing more than to walk away, her body reacts to him. Looking up at him, she inhales sharply as she sees the tears in his eyes.

“I’m scared”, he admitted and she blinked.

“Of what?” She frowned, “Me?” Does her power frighten him? Because it frightens her.

He shook his head, “Of me”, he looked at her. His hands trembled as they touched her skin, “I’m scared of hurting you.”

“I’m scared of you hurting me, too.”

Dropping his hand, he takes a step back. “I don’t think I’m capable of ever hurting you.”

“Tell that to my neck”, she remarks. Her hand brushes over where his hand had tightened its grip just the night before, fixing his gaze on him. He seemed to regret it.

‘Good’, she thought. ‘I hope it haunts him, because it will haunt me.’

“I apologize”, Aleksander swallows thickly. He can’t remember the last time he apologized to someone. A part of him questioned if he ever apologized for anything he’s done in his unusually long life. “I had no right to act the way I did.”

“You once told me I could choose the way to punish you if you ever hurt me”, she takes his hand, intertwining their fingers.

Aleksander nods, “I’m a man of my word.”

“What’s your name”, she asks. “Real name.”

His eyes locked on hers like magnets of different polarities. Isn’t that exactly what they are? She’s his polar opposite in every way, fated to attract.

“Aleksander Morozova.” He uttered a name long forgotten; a name he wanted to forget.

Aleksander was a weak boy who failed everyone that cared for him. He was soft, young, naïve and a damned fool for ever believing Grisha would ever be free. Even now as he elevated their status, Grisha had to serve a human – the Tsar.

Her eyes held barely contained anger. As her hands clasped, a few stray flickers of light appeared on her fingertips. Unclasping her hands immediately, she raised her chin up. “I want to know everything. Tell me your story.”

“And when will I hear yours?” Darkling demanded, swiping his thumb under his lower lip.

“You seem to mistake this for negotiations”, she maintained eye contact defiantly. “Last night you told me to either go back to the Palace or to cross the fold and return to my father. It’s a choice that would easily mean I can choose to stay with you or leave and never look back.”

Placing a hand on his chest, Y/N smirked. “You can either tell me the whole truth or watch me leave.” She spoke through gritted teeth, “Don’t push me unless you’re willing to lose.”

Cupping his left cheek, she allowed a luminescent glow cast a light on his handsome features. She was angry, so angry and tired and her own power often terrified her. For once, she wanted to use it for her own benefit rather than hide it.

“What good will it do?” Aleksander’s bottom lip quivers as her light illuminates tears collecting in his dark eyes. “You’ll hate me as they all do. Even my mother saw me as a monster.”

“I’ve seen what you really are. And I never turned away…what makes you think I will now?”

She felt his jaw clench under the palm of her hand as he swallowed thickly, “You would if you could see my heart, all of it.”

Exhaling through her nose, she shook her head. Her eyes soften, her lips parting. How could she ever be indifferent to his suffering? She wished she could be colder, to leave him in tears and not look back. Hearing his words, his belief that he’s unlovable tugged at her heartstrings.

"Have you no faith in me?"

In a fight, they’re lethal, but around each other their armor is gone.

“I’ve waited for you for centuries. I dreamed about you for hundreds of years before I ever saw your face. I longed for you, missed you, died and lived for you.” Taking her face in his hands, Aleksander bends. His forehead meets hers as his nose brushes against the tip of hers.

“Ever since I laid eyes on you, my dreams have been clearer, focused on you. And in my dreams I am kissing your mouth and you’re whispering ‘where have you been’”, his eyes overflow with tears as he continues with a fractured smile. “I say, ‘I’ve been lost, but I’m here now’.”

Swallowing thickly, he felt as if his heart was breaking. “You’re the only person who has ever been able to find the real me. You saw me underneath all the darkness.” Reaching for her hand, his fingers tremble. “I was waiting for you without knowing it. I’ll make up for all the mistakes, for all the years I was supposed to be kissing you.”

“So why is it so hard for you to be honest with me?” She whispers, her hands trembling as they hold onto his shoulders.

His frown deepens, “Why weren’t you honest with me?”

“You once joked and said I’m no Inferni”, she shrugged. “You were right about that. My mother was. Father never knew about either of us. Your turn.”

“I was honest”, he sighs. Stepping back, he frowns. “I told you my name, I answered your questions about the black heretic.”

Reaching for him, she felt her heartache intensify once his tears began to flow freely across his cheeks.

“Don’t”, he recoiled from her touch. She wrapped her arms around her own waist, hurt by the rejection.

“It’s not easy for me to talk about my past. It’s as if I’m cutting myself open, letting the ugliness spill out. It’s not painless.” Swallowing thickly, Darkling’s eyes widen as he tries to hold back more tears from escaping him. “It would have been simpler to close myself off and find an unremarkable lover who’d never dare defy me, but I keep taking the risk because I want to be with you and I hope that one day you will feel the same way about me.”

“I want”, she stopped, tucking her hair behind her ears.

His voice was quieter, “What do you want? I’ll give you everything.”

“I don’t know”, she replied honestly. “I’m hurt, Aleks. You hurt me after you promised to protect me.”

Running a hand across his face, wiping his tears away. He averts his gaze. Watching her break because of him deepens the cracks in his poorly stapled, bleeding heart.

“What do you want”, she looked to him with a weight in her chest. How can loving someone hurt so badly even when the love is reciprocated?

“Never mind what I want”, he turned away. Facing her now would have chipped away at his fragile sanity, so he did what a coward would – he hid.

“You asked what I want”, she placed her hands on her hips. “I want to know what you want.”

Shaking his head, he let out a breathless chuckle. “You”, he smiled. “I’ll always want you.”

Closing the distance between them, she closed her arms around his neck. Before she could reach for him, he gripped her by her thighs and lifted her effortlessly. Wrapping her legs around his waist on instinct, she got lost in the rush of blood to her head when he pinned her against the table behind her. He paused, searching her eyes.

Whatever he was looking for, she hoped he found it.

“I don’t own you”, his eyes flicker to her lips as she sinks her front teeth into the soft flesh of her bottom lip. “I never did. Human or Grisha, you always owned me. I was just too blind to see it.”

Brushing his lips against hers, Aleksander smiled in resignation. His eyes are so different in moments like these, softer than she ever imagined eyes could be.

“Your silver tongue won’t get you far”, she struggled to keep her eyes open with his lips a whisper away. “But you’re free to try.”

She felt his burning gaze, finding it hard to concentrate on much besides breathing. He observed her, capturing her soft, naturally charming and appealing nature. She’s genuine and sweet, the reason why everyone’s head turns when she walks into the room.

How did he not realize it before?

She’s the sun.

She always was.

He always did squint angrily at her like he does with the fireball in the sky.

Y/N’s hands ran up and down his chest as her lips claimed his - passionately, roughly, determinedly. Without a word, she started to unbutton his kefta, her cold fingertips brushing his warm skin - until she lost patience and ripped the bottom part wide open, pressing her palm against his chest as he broke the kiss.

“Are you sure?” He raised his eyebrows in concern.

“I’ll be mad at you tomorrow. Kiss me”, she ordered, drawing a smile on his lips as she pulled him closer, her lips reattaching to his, her teeth sinking into his lower one.

Pushing him onto the floor, she didn’t waste time. Her bottoms were down so quickly he hardly had time to take a proper breath before she unfastened his pants too.

Heaving, Aleksander could hardly get enough of the view on top of him - her beautiful mouth opening in pleasure every time she sunk down on him, her eyes rolling back into her head, her hands placed over his chest to keep herself steady. She speeds up, prompting his loud, uninhibited moans that drew an honest smile upon her lips. He trusted up and into her as his high hit fully, taking her by surprise. She gasped, his thrust giving her an unexpected release as she clenched around him.

Gasping for breath, she laid on top of him. Y/N was very aware of his arm around her as it pulled her close, his hand on her hip, giving it a light squeeze. He leaned into her, his lips pressing a tender kiss to her temple, making her tingle with anticipation of something more - something she shouldn’t think about after their argument.

How can she trust his change of heart has nothing to do with the fact she’s the Sun Summoner? How can she ever trust him at all?

Clearing her throat, she pulled herself off Aleksander. “Put something on, someone might come in”, she told him as she secured her pants back on. She could hardly look at him, afraid he’d weaken her resolve. She couldn’t forgive him so easily, even if her heart ached for him.

“Let me in”, a voice from outside the tent made Y/N look to the entrance with a frown.

She crossed the distance swiftly, her hands ready in case she had to use her sword. She goes to place her hand on the hilt only to find her sword is not on her.

It’s a good thing that’s not her only weapon.

“Hey!” She shouts at the Grisha as they pulled someone away. “Stop!”

“General?!” Mal laughs as he manages to look back at her, fighting against the Grisha.

“Mal?” She chuckles, glad to see he’s still alive.

“Leave him alone!” She orders, feeling a presence behind her. She didn’t need to look to know it’s Aleksander. Unfortunately for him, she wasn’t in the mood for anymore talking.

“You’re alive?!” Mal goes in for the hug, but his eyes catch a glimpse of Kirigan’s glare and he slowly backs away. “We need to regroup.”

“How many have we lost?” She frowns.

“You’re Grisha now”, Aleksander speaks up. “You don’t have to fight for the humans.”

Glancing over her shoulder, she scoffs at him. How could he even think she’d give up on her people now?

“That’s not something I’d like. I enjoy my humanity.”

She was the flame who lit his life on fire and while he was burning, he wanted to thank her for it and ask her to stay a while longer. Darkling nearly chuckled at the thought of calling her fire, but she is and he craves the burn.

The Darkling wanted Y/N to be the one addicted to him, in equal measure as he was addicted to her. He wanted to give her a reason to stay with him, if not for love, then for lust. He’d find a way to her heart in the meantime and knowing they’ll have a forever comforts him, but he needed to have her in every other way until then.

He knew he could make her truly happy if she’d let him and he wasn’t about to let her go.

Not without a fight.

Watching her walk away with the soldier, he clicked his tongue. Mal, whoever he is, poses a threat he needs to handle.

Swiftly.

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A/N - I struggled so much writing this chapter, hope you guys like it. I’m probably gonna pass out now, I’m exhausted. xx

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PART 14

#the darkling x reader #the darkling #aleksander morozova x reader #aleksander morozova #general kirigan x reader #kirigan x reader #general kirigan #shadown and bone

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quiteriana · 4 years

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speculation

not to be a Dumb Bitch but Silver is constantly suppressing himself and watering himself down, so much so that it's to the point where he appears so numb and apathetic because he really doesn't know himself or know his own personality and instead tries to find himself through the people in his life that he values. He tries to do what others wish him to do, and be who others wish him to be. He lacks his own motivations and individuality, and instead, he takes on the motivation of those around him, trying to fill himself with somebody else (the people he values), for he feels as though he, himself, isn’t worth much among others. He hallows out his own identity and numbs away every emotion because he feels as though he is too inedequate and then fills those voids with other people of who, to him, are the most valuable and vital in his eyes.

That "person he values" is Malleus. It's literally Malleus and idc how you interpret their relationship, you CANNOT DENY that Silver is bending himself to what he perceives is Malleus's need.

Silver values Lilia as well, but with Lilia it's different because he... loves him. They love each other, and Silver knows that he will always recieve unconditional love from Lilia, and his [Silver's] own love is shown through the way he tries so hard not to cause trouble for Lilia and how he wishes so badly for his happiness and health. Silver and Lilia love each other and they know that the other loves them (how could they not?) so Silver doesn't really have much reason to... "bend himself to the liking of Lilia" because they have such a strong foundation within one another.

But with Malleus, it isn't like that. Not at all. Silver doesn't know if he will always receive approval by Malleus, but he views him so highly, he values him so much, and he wants that approval, and thus he tries so hard to be that person he thinks Malleus needs him to be. He loses himself in the identity of a "royal guard" because he thinks that's the role he's meant to fill, and he replaces his entire person with that mere duty. He doesn't realize that his role of a guard is just a part of who he is and not the entirety, and he waters down all other aspects of himself to cling to this one identity until he's empty.... Seriously, he is almost nobody outside of this role. How do you guys not see that this is what he's doing to himself...

Silver replaces his own desires and dreams (and really... his personality) with his duty and role of serving Malleus in attempt to overcome that inevitable feeling of being less than and insignificant among all those that he’s grown up around, and among everything he's ever known (being a human among faes... try and tell me that didn’t screw with his esteem when he was young). He goes about life so passively, and so peacefully, for he wishes only to do as he must to please the people he admires so much. He hollows out and waters down his own desires so as not to be inconvenient for Lilia, who he adores, and Malleus, who he devotedly dedicates himself to. He loses himself and he forgets himself; he falls asleep to himself in the sense of his apathy and (the lack of truly feeling) his own emotions; filling his personality with his duty, and erasing the line between them while simultaneously trying to keep peace everywhere he stumbles, trying so hard not to be an inconvenience. Pushing himself further down, denying himself until he’s lost himself because somewhere in his life, he became so worried about displeasing and losing the ones he loves and views so highly because of the person he truly is, and he (unknowingly) combats this by suppressing his own desires and his own person, and instead replacing all of that with the qualities he thinks are more valuable for the role he feels he must fill for Malleus.

In terms of motivation, with Silver being around Sebek so much, he has most likely turned Sebek's motivation into his own since they have the same goal [to protect Malleus]. In a way, Silver feeds off the energy and passion that Sebek exudes for his role as a guard, and he uses that to get him through his position of the same role. By pretending and truly believing that Sebek's motivation is also his own motivation, he's able to continue and continue persevering in this duty he's been raised to fill. But it isn't his own. Sebek's goals are not Silver’s goals and their passions are not the same, but Silver has likely been watering down his own self for so long that he does not even see this or realize.

And he keeps on endlessly tuning himself more and more into what he thinks Malleus needs him to be. Because Malleus is the most important authority in his life; that's what he's been raised to believe, and thus he tries so hard to fit the mold of what Malleus needs in seek of approval and closeness to the person who's been made so important to him--so much that he pushes aside his own desires and his own personality in order to make room for whatever qualities he thinks Malleus needs. And unconsciously, he ends up incorporating bits of Malleus into himself and his own identity more and more because of this value that he's placed on him. Silver's forever glare? His subtly similar haircut to Malleus? These aren't him; these are not aspects of who Silver truly is or expressions of his own personality; these are things that he's lost himself in and has tried to take on the qualities of who he values because he doesn't know what he wants and he doesn't know himself. And the saddest thing is that he's likely not even aware that he is doing all this; it happens so unconsciously as a result of seeing little value in his own self.

For the sake of trying to make a clear point, I'm going to try and compare Silver to the other two hero-based characters: Rook and Kalim. Rook and Kalim, themselves, are actually very, very similar in my opinion in terms of their positivity, endless optimism, and their ability and desire to make others feel valued and recognized. Silver and Kalim are both kind hearted and gentle, but Kalim is obviously much more forward than Silver. Kalim actually has... personality. He has his motivations and he has his interests and he has the things he feels passionately about. Silver... doesn't. He doesn't have those things of his own. He shares with Kalim kindness and a desire to please others, but he lacks all ambition to act in the ways his heart desires; he doesn't even know what his heart desires. Probably, he has never thought of it before, as his role and his future was always right there for him: to be Malleus's guard and protector, and he accepted that with no refute, he accepted it happily and he put his efforts into being... what other people told him to be. Kalim is similar in that he easily accepts and goes along with the suggestions of others; he is also quite easily influenced by others, but he is his own person as well... he is his own person while Silver has lost who he is. (Silver is literally the lyrics "I do as I am told until I don't know who I want to be")

And for Rook. I actually see a lot more similarity between Silver and Rook. They are both peace-loving people; however Rook is a peacemaker while Silver is a peacekeeper. Rook goes out of his way to make peace and mediate between refuting people (Vil and Epel). He does so in a way that makes both parties seem heard and valued, and he does not stop until he has done so. He is stubbornly persistent in making peace, which is really such a wonderful thing in my opinion. Silver is almost there. He possesses the same desire and ache to have peace, but he does not work so hard for it. When he sees people opposing, he does try to say something to mediate, but as soon as someone bites back and refuses that peace he's trying to bring, he keeps silent. He says nothing more. He does this as a way to not further contribute to the conflict (because if he tries to mediate where it isn't desires, that will just cause more problem). He is so so so passive that he does not push through with the good things he is trying to do, and he settles instead for simply keeping some of that peace instead of going through and creating it where it needs to be. He settles for less than what he aims for in fear if creating more conflict.

Do you see what I'm trying to say? Even Silver's valuable and strong qualities (his compassion and kindness and ability to mediate between others) are being washed away by himself and himself only because these qualities are so different from what he sees in the people he values [MALLEUS], and so he doesn't think they're important or useful and he finds them even meaningless because these qualities are his and his alone; they are different and apart from the rest of the Diasomnia members but it's BECAUSE the others lack them that he sees them as invaluable. He sees himself and he sees his differences as bad things, and so he tries to rid of them and rid of himself to instead be more like the people he does value. He completely washes away all of his individuality (even the GOOD things that make him STRONGER than others) because he doesn't want to deviate or be too different from the people he values. He is pushing himself down, he is watering himself away, he is numbing every ability for the sake of filling himself with the needs of others [again, Malleus!]

I also want to briefly compare Kalim/Rook/Silver in terms of their grounded-ness. I feel as though all three of them are not quite in touch with reality. Kalim, I think, is quite capable of really living and feeling in the present moment, but his lack of sense-of-reality comes when he thinks too positively of things, not quite grasping the density of the things around him. Rook, I think, is very similar, but he is more aimless and less present. I think he stumbles without any real direction, but he focused his mind on seeing beauty (sight... paying attention to any of the 5 senses assists in grounded-ness, at least for me), but I feel like he could also get too much in his head at times and lose that stability in favor of gravity. But, it's temporary, and I think he is able to pull himself into reality quite easily when need be. However, with Silver, he... exceeds aimlessness. It's haziness, as if going through life in a fog. Only half-alive. Not just sleeping most the time, but even awake, his mind is out of focus and lost. He is not just out of touch with reality, he is out of touch with himself, and unlike Kalim and Rook, he has no energy or presence anywhere at all. "Almost always everywhere, never quite anywhere." That's how he lives his life. Asleep and half-alive.

Silver is honestly... a vacant shell for others people to flow through him. For others, this is good because they benefit from it, but for himself it's horrible because he numbs himself with it--his own emotions and even his sense of self. He becomes empty of his own identity, filled instead with the energy of others. Completely groundless and succumbing entirely to the gravity of his mind.

Not to mention that sleepiness is a common trait of people who regularly suppress their own personalities. Though they might not do much actively, they still take up a lot of their own energy to be that shell for others to fill, and they also stress themselves by doing this as well but their apathy and detachment from reality doesn't allow them to properly feel that stress, so it translates instead into tiredness and sleepiness, and it's actually common for these kinds of people to be napping most of the day. It's also literally "falling asleep" to their own desires and ambitions, their own feelings and own identity. It's a way of numbing themselves in order to be filled by others; like this is literally a real thing that happens to people, and I have no doubt in my mind that this is what's happening to Silver as well.

ALSO HIS NAME. his name is... Silver. That's all. No last name, no way of saying exactly where he belongs. Simple, bland, and separate from everyone. Just Silver. It's literally just his hair color. There's no sentimental significance in his name at all. And he... accepts this. He accepts this as his only identification with no question or fight.

I know this seems like such a minor detail and that I'm maybe looking too deep into it, but I promise you I am not. I promise there is more to his name than just "a fairy couldn't choose a name for a baby human". Sure, that's likely where the name came from, but the fact that Silver at his current age just accepts this holds so much significance. It shows that he. does. not. care. He does not care about who he is. He does not care about his own person; he has completely washed away his own identity that calling him "Silver" is good enough for him. No meaning behind it. Just an empty word to be addressed by. Do you understand how sad this is? He sees himself as nothing special--so much to the point where he almost becomes... nobody... for he waters down every individual thing about himself so that others can fill him instead.

How do y'all not see this in Silver... Seriously how do y'all not see this in Silver?? this is who he is; he is so empty and void because he is constantly hallowing himself out for the sake of others really HOW DO YOU NOT SEE he is drowning himself... Silver is drowning

I'm sorry agaksgahsk I know this was way longer than maybe necessary but thank you so much for sticking to the end 💗

Also, I'm really not trying to... enforce my ideas about Silver onto anyone. People have their own ways of interpreting characters (especially since we don't really know much about Silver as of yet), and I totally get it. Every interpretation is beautiful; I want you to know. I'm just trying to get my own thoughts out there in the hopes that someone else might also understand and agree. To me, this is the truth of who he is 💗💗 but anything can be possible! thank you for reading this

#twisted wonderland #twst silver #twst analysis #diasomnia #malleus draconia #lilia vanrouge #sebek zigvolt #kalim al asim #rook hunt #it's embarrassing how long this took it's embarrassing how much heart i poured into this #edit: actually it's embarrassing how this whole thing is basically a rant #my takes are fine but i was not in a good state of mind while writing this ;/#sorry to everyone who read this but thank you for the engagement and validation as well #second edit: it kinda feels like I'm just... barking at you in this post #I'm a little ashamed tbh #but thanks to those who kinda saw through that and were just understanding of my momentary excitement and the things i was trying to convey

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putschki1969 · 4 years

Photo

Keiko’s article in Fujin Kōron ~ English Translation

An interview with KEIKO was published in the latest issue of the Japanese bi-weekly women's magazine Fujin Kōron (婦��公論) [Issue 2020/07/28]. Purchase on CD JAPAN!

Note: Another lovely and very insightful interview. Everyone be sure to check it out! I love how honest Keiko is here. CREDIT ME and LINK to THIS post if you use/share this translation or parts of it.

♪ ┈┈┈┈┈┈┈ ♪

KEIKO (singer)

Regarding loneliness as something positive and continuing to sing

Debuting once again I want to enjoy my new self

In 2008, she made her CD debut with the ending themes of the theater version of "Kara no Kyōkai". After that, the three-person vocal unit "Kalafina" continued to sing many popular anime songs and theme songs for NHK’s "Rekishi Hiwa Historia". In 2019 the group regrettably disbanded. Now Keiko, one of the three members, is making her solo debut as KEIKO. She shared her feelings with us regarding a re-start in her mid-30s.

During my 2-year-hiatus I searched for my own music

When Kalafina officially disbanded in March 2019, I didn't think I would ever debut as solo artist. Quite the contrary actually, I felt like I shouldn't sing anymore. For me personally Kalafina represents the first time I ever pursued something in earnest, the first time I was able to create something substantial. For 10 years straight I kept pushing ahead and running, putting all my heart and soul into this project, trying to fulfill everyone’s expectations. That is why after the disbandment I considered retiring since I didn��t think I could ever resume singing, it would have felt like a halfhearted attempt.

Besides, at that point my physical condition was quite poor so first and foremost I felt like I very much needed to take a rest. Without doing anything really I just spent my days at home and talking with my family. Gathered around the dining table we would just spend time together and slowly my mind and body were healed. Soon after, I got inspired by my grandmother and decided to go to kimono school. While relaxing and taking care of my body and soul, I slowly got back into the world of music by talking to many people who had supported me in the past. I don’t think I would have been able to come back so quickly if it hadn’t been for all these people around me providing support. My two-year hiatus was a great opportunity for me to think about my future relationship with music and whether or not I really needed music in my life. After I came to the conclusion that yes, "I DO want to make music", I thought about what I could add to all the experiences I had accumulated so far in order to find my own music. I consulted with a lot of people and listened to their opinions. Eventually I took the first step towards my solo activities. My solo debut was decided and for my very first song 「命の花 / Inochi no Hana」 I took on a completely new challenge by writing the lyrics myself. After a lot of trial and error I was eventually able to come up with words that carefully emitted a fitting “reverberation”. 「命の花 / Inochi no Hana」 has a very sad melody so I saw it as my task to wrap up this sadness with the warmth of my vocal expression. That was also quite a big challenge.

I want to try my luck as the real me

Back in the day when I gradually embraced my dream of becoming a singer, I began to challenge my own voice but often I was feeling very insecure due to my low range. During that time I listened to all the popular artists such as Morning Musume, Namie Amuro, SPEED, and even Western singers such as Britney Spears and Beyonce. In my third year of junior high school, I happened to hear one of Yutaka Ozaki's songs, "5 Nights". I was utterly fascinated by his voice and it opened my eyes to the fact that I wanted to become a singer myself. So after graduating from high school I took voice training lessons and started to pursue a professional career. Then I had my great encounter with Yuki Kajiura, a music producer and composer. Kajiura-san listened to my voice, got inspired and wanted to make songs in lower ranges for me.I was deeply moved by the fact that she managed to turn all my insecurities into a powerful weapon for her music. Thanks to her it felt rewarding to be a singer. My current goal is to discover new vocal expressions. I would be happy if Kajiura-san and all the fans who have supported us in the past could enjoy this endeavour together with me, I would like all of you to wonder, "can KEIKO really create that kind of voice?" "Can she use that sort of singing style?" During the Kalafina era, we were mainly singing anime theme songs, so there were many times when I was worried about how much of myself I should put into my vocal expression as to not jeopardise the world view of the work. Somehow I feel like my humanity was erased along the way... I think it’s due to my extreme personality *laughs*. That is something I became aware of during my hiatus. It’s hilarious and made me laugh. It’s like I was watching a comedy show of my own life and all I could do was burst into laughter. I wonder if I was able to become a more real and natural me by taking a rest *laughs*

It felt very reassuring when the three of us were singing together. However, instead of feeling lonely in my solo activities I want to think positively and try to enjoy being by myself. Some people in my age-group have commended me for my courage to jump into this new world in my mid-30s but really, it’s the complete opposite. Going on this new adventure actually gives me courage. After all, I think it's important to deal flexibly with age...My motto is to always face myself as a woman appropriate for my age but being a singer is ageless. No matter how you live, health is the first priority, so I always study nutrition and try various health methods. I love sweets and I am constantly worrying about eating too much. However, I have learned that it is very effective to try and resist sugary stuff in the morning because this way your body won’t be craving it so much in the latter half of the day. Also, my body feels much more at ease these days. I was able to overcome my insomnia which had been troubling me for a long time. I did that by getting up at the exact same time every morning for two months no matter how much sleep I had gotten the previous night. I am also very much into beauty. I'm convinced that the secret to beautiful skin is to avoid touching it as much as possible. I use a foaming face wash and massage my face gently, making sure not to rub. This makes the pores less noticeable so I don’t require any foundation. This routine has improved my complexion and made my face much clearer than it ever was in my 20s. I think the real me will be prominently shown in my songs, so I try to keep my mind and body healthy and lively. After all, I want to continue singing for a very long time.

♪ ┈┈┈┈┈┈┈ ♪

Keiko (けいこ): Born in Tokyo Prefecture (1985). In 2005, she first participated as FictionJunction KEIKO in music producer Yuki Kajiura's solo project "Fiction Junction". After that, she joined vocal-unit "Kalafina", the group made their major debut in 2008, and reached their peak when they performed one-man-live at Nippon Budokan in 2015. After the disbandment in 2019, she resumed her activities as freelancer and returned to the stage as KEIKO for the live tour "Yuki Kajiura LIVE". In May 2020 her single “Inochi no Hana/Be Yourself“ was released digitally. This autumn an album with her new songs is set to be released

Composition 〇 Akane Maruyama Photography 〇 Photography Department

#kalafina #keiko #my translation #my translations #keiko interview

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project-ohagi · 4 years

Text

Keigo Takami ღ Hawks x Reader 3/4

Buy me a coffee!! <3

Parts 1 / 2 / 4

"I'll take her back with me. We…we lived together anyway." A little white lie couldn’t claim to be quite so harmful - not now.

In order for his beautiful baby bird to flourish once more, she would require round-the-clock attention, provided by someone knowledgeable of her life, someone who would willingly offer her unbridled love and protection…someone who vowed never to force a sense of abandonment upon her. Never again. The doctor neglected to question this, thankfully saving him the embarrassment of being coerced into further conversation with a voice that shivered from heartache.

In that instant, a previously-dormant determination ignited inside his chest. He would rebuild your life together, your sweet romance. If he didn’t even try…well, perhaps that would be the universe's way of plaguing him with evidence of his worthlessness - if he didn’t at least attempt to repair the foundations of your relationship, whether by curing your amnesia or just starting from scratch, then he didn’t deserve you. If he wasn’t prepared to venture to the extremes for you, then he would concede that he wasn’t good enough, that he couldn’t hold a candle to your grandeur. He would cut himself from your life. You didn’t remember him, so you probably wouldn’t mourn. Gods…that thought alone killed him. To think, after one dreadful decision, after a single moment of weakness…he could suddenly mean nothing to you…

I'll set work aside for now. The Commission can say what they want, but I'm not letting her go. Not again. Not so soon.

You giggled, the sound seeming to caress away any stray tears dripping down his face. "We lived together? Are we related or something? Oh, you're not my brother, are you?"

How much did she forget?

"I-I'm your…" The words caught in his throat.

No - he would spare everyone the overly-emotional display, the unsightly waterworks. He was a hero, for gods' sake! He couldn’t act so goddamn vulnerable in public! The only person who ever managed to detrude his masque of confidence was you, and you would often tell him how special it made you feel. So even now, even when you had no memory of him…he would reserve his innermost feelings, solely for you. A small sniffle was all he allowed, because it became impossible to stop. Shortly thereafter, the two of you were dismissed. Hawks was adamant about flying you bridal-style to his house, which, following your inclusion, would morph from a lonely bachelor pad to a home filled with warmth and comfort. He wished to be consumed by excitement, as he should have been...but this was all wrong. The series of events, the manner in which you were to be confined…he would barely even receive any welcome, since his comings-and-goings would be less frequent.

He was resolved to stick by your side, like superglue.

He refused to let you hide from his watchful gaze, until the time was right.

The minute he touched down, a phone was pressed against his ear. It was a little confusing at first, but you could hear a few curt words. He was being reprimanded, but his expression betrayed no concern. At least, not for them.

With a dejected sigh, he settled you on your feet. "Well, dove…I'm taking some time off work to look after you. This is…this is our house. Do you remember it?"

You hated to shatter the ounce of hope bleeding from his voice, but it couldn’t be helped. "Um, no…sorry. It's really big, though. How'd you afford it?"

"…So you don't remember my job, either?...Is there anything you do remember?" He led you inside, careful not to startle you as he closed the door.

"Yep!" You sung, and although Hawks' heart should have swelled with rapture, it instead sunk further into a chasm of despair - he knew that he was no longer your missing puzzle piece, the thing you had been searching for constantly, until you met. "I remember my childhood, and apparently everything up until I turned nineteen."

Did I traumatise her that much, her mind purposefully erased me?

He gulped, anxious to scrabble back into your life. "We met…just after your nineteenth birthday."

"Really?" You sounded happy - happier than he could recall you in a while. "Hey, uh…I'm sorry I don't remember you, but I still don't know your name."

"It's…It's Keigo. Takami Keigo. I'm a…pro hero." Usually, pride would coil around his voice when this information was given, but it was nothing more than embellishment; it couldn’t have reflected his heart any less.

I gotta smile, right? Otherwise…she'll end up miserable. I can’t do that to her. I can't take away that happy look. Not now. I'm such a bastard for ever letting my mission get in-between us.

Throughout this entire interaction, Hawks had remained nigh-silent, any last trace of alacrity dried up. Thus, an extremely sudden shift in character bewildered you beyond words. A smile might have graced your lips, had you not been gifted with such sharp perception. You didn’t believe, not even for a second, that he had overcome that intense sorrow. Yet, you couldn’t risk triggering something. You were directed to a large couch, while one of those gorgeous, crimson feathers floated towards you, carrying what appeared to be a book. For more specificity, it was a photo album. It weighed down his feather, but he wasn’t paying attention. You wanted to laugh, to explain how weird this was, when phones and social media existed, but…that look, that glint of upset intertwined with hope…

...It muted you.

As he flicked through the pictures, often lingering on the most heart-warming scenes - the two of you sitting lip-locked underneath the stars, weaving flower crowns for young hero fans, your utter devastation upon dropping an ice cream...and the next one was Hawks sharing his own - you watched his hands. He had started lovingly stroking the pages, as though yearning to relive those precious moments. You refused to glance up, to get sucked into the kindling fire of his eyes; you knew, somehow, that you wouldn’t escape their dreamy sheen.

If only you had enabled yourself to drown in those golden pools, to explore them for an eternity. Hawks was desperate to lay claim to you again, before someone else lured you away. This prospect terrified him, and his wings rustled as the fear shot around his whole body. Couldn’t you see, couldn’t you understand how much he treasured you? More than fame or money, even the photo album! He needed you - the real you, climbing back into his arms. Forcing his self-restraint, Hawks closed the book. If his tear ducts turned into dams, he wouldn’t be capable of battling the flood. He would succumb to the glacial water, and then who would you run to for shelter? If you fell into the homeless population, or the callous hands of a villain…

I thought we would last forever. That we would still be together, even after we died. We made a promise, didn’t we…? Don't drop me like I never meant anything to you. Please, don't drop me…

The subsequent days brimmed with bliss.

At least…for you.

Hawks was a surprisingly adept cook, but take-out was on the menu every other day. He tended to your needs with a sweeping devotion. He never failed you, not even once. You also had the opportunity to wander the perimeter of his house, but your rebellious streak compelled you further, far past the invisible barriers erected for your own safety.

"Hey, I've been meaning to ask…" You began, while Hawks traced circles on your arms. "These scars…did you - did you do something to me?"

His recovering heart plummeted, and he spent a few minutes just staring, eyes glazed over with shock, hurt and a touch of guilt. When he finally responded, his voice was hoarse. "W-Why would you…think that I…? T-That I…hurt you?"

"Ah, I'm sorry! I was just wondering. I didn’t think you'd done anything, but I had to make sure. Can't exactly stay with an abuser…right?" Although you endeavoured to laugh it off, your words did nothing to console him.

His head drooped, as he whispered and sniffled all at once. "R-Right…"

"Oh yeah!" You giggled, as though the storm had been quelled.

I've always adored her voice, but right now…I can't bear it…

"I met someone today!"

[Word Count: 1393]

#bnha #bnha x reader #my hero academia imagines #my hero academia x reader #bnha hawks x reader #bnha hawks #keigo takami x reader #hawks x suicidal reader

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captainkurosolaire · 4 years

Text

Re: Vital

A bristling light cast of the purest form luminescence broke throughout the psyche after the dealing with the Tormentor had been resolved. Calling the Captain by name repeatedly to attain attention. His fist still sizzled from how much he had left his ‘Undeserving’ side as curb roadkill and disfigured the disgusting three-piece suit bastard that represented everything he opposed against; in himself. The scoundrels pocketed in his overcoat as he strolled inward. An eye refracting off that which was positively enchantingly… “Well, I b’ a Red-District Whore... “ Revelations came matching thumping in rhythmic audibility. A finding and discovery of oneself would be uncovered here. However, It’d be cut-short from rejoicing in this recreational discovery. As the Trip -- was about to end! -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now if anyone ever suggested you take psychedelics or anything that may influence your reasoning, never, ever. Do it alone or least be responsible. Unfortunately. The Captain on the other hand didn’t realize this being, his virginity speaking for drugs or ‘product goods’ he merely smugged, so while his visage almost had a fished-shroomed out expression and he was zonked. Many events had unfolded in reality! He had gotten himself hitched with a small rowboat named Delilah! The lipstick had seemingly been smeared throughout over, possibly from a making out. Roped and collared her and he found himself in the midst of the Shrouds lent against a tree. “...Ugh…” He’d say while constantly hearing the nagging or was that just common-tongue? He couldn’t be clear, his vision blurred. Boots slowly began focusing on viewed vision. “Get up.” “Get up.” Constantly a stern voice with authoritarian pitch rattled out of a caged chamber. The Captain in haze snarked back, ‘Five more minutes.” Attempting to rehash himself into a doze before a hot-fist would be felt against his cheek making him face-plant into soils. It finally made him react back with a propping, “Alrighte what’s th’--” He’d be in the presence of his recent advisory in The First or better known Captain Parabellum formerly recognized as yet a switch-knife being juggling between his fingertip’s imposingly.

“You know why I’ve come. It’s time for an end. Don’t you agree?” Tension began to stir while he was implored to begin his ascension up the bark as his bare-back shredding against. “Like mate, can’t you buy me dinner before you kill me? But if that’s what you want.” He’d say nonchalantly before his face settled from relaxed to his own intensity fired-up. Reaching for his scimitars but recognizing they were no longer in his possession… Wait, did he even get dressed before this whole shenanigans? His mind-circulating trying to place catch-up within that headspace. The Midlander intimidatingly now points his knife towards the direction. Was this to be just another mindless battle? How many of these did this pirate have to get himself into? He couldn’t have foreseen what came after his discovery, was that the discovery itself was beginning to unravel itself for the Captain. Almost like responsible aetherial energies that had come into Captain’s existence would begin shaping and molding themselves into materialization's. This was but the journey the chapter dubbed one. The tension felt as Captain loosened and accepted his fate. Well, he was bested. If he was worthy enough to be somehow tracked and scoured through all this stuff he couldn’t even remember or repeat. He wouldn’t oppose it. The former First loosely drew an ilm closer threatening and imposing as he paced. Before discarding more knives and tossing them towards the sides of the tree’s trunk diagonally in corners of the Seeker’s hue. He didn’t flinch there was resolve or sheer admittance towards a no-win situation. But a duel seemed to have been given in equalization. Given room to move. He noticed around them this meadow had become a battlefield or a one-sided one. As poachers remained arse high and stacked all unconscious all the Captain’s belongings scattered throughout the flowery meadows. What was the meaning of that? His thought surfaced internally. Interruption in harsh gravel voice, “Captain Kuro Solaire… You’re a dead man. At-least so is rumored. It doesn’t answer how you stand before me though... I understand why you tracked me down but to leave yourself exposed this vulnerable. It’s foolish. To spare me when you’ve reclaimed your vengeance? Your thoughts are unsettling.” For piracy, the Midlander spoke clean and fluent Eorzean despite being a sailor himself. A sign of diplomacy and strategic it was no-wonder this man became the Captain’s First. Tension surfaced throughout the atmosphere. It caused imaginative humidity in the Shrouds. As if they were scorching. This was the result of separated and broken strings that once connected. Unspoken messages of impossible love for their era. Hatred festered but yet… Love was it’s counter shadow. Weight of arrayed emotions that are felt is dictating how deeply in depth’s someone is carried to your heart. “I see my beating didn’t jog your memory, perhaps, I failed. Or maybe you need to search th’ truth.” Parabellum’s hand quivered afraid. “Aye. You spoke with want.” He glossed softly. “Want?” Captain questioned, “Try need.” The scoundrel gave a dispatch to his equipped arms into fearlessness a startle broke through. As an embrace clutched and wrapped tightly around the Midlanders. A hug that broke and transcended and sealed a past wound.

Acceptance quaked the foundations. This was no longer a pirate who steered blindly or without unspoken. In losing and attaining the strength and beauty of a world clutched in those dastardly palms. He had seen unlike ever before. To act under frightening convictions. …. Silence broke out. The Switchblade was still held by the handle as they came to the bareback of the Captain. Would the Betrayer or the snake take a bite of Lion’s head remaining in breathless revelations, The Seeker muffled everything and grinned goldenly as was taught as his chin cupped over the broad shoulder. The hurt, pain, screeching of the Midlander traveled throughout impulsive streams to end what harmed. Nothing hurt this man more than betraying someone who was held, dear. Who he defended for his dreams when the Captain couldn’t do it for himself. He could end the Seeker right here. But it’d go unheard. And why he tread would remain. This… Captain proved even in losing the parley to being cast out, exiled, to being scarred, he could stand against the test of time. He was a difference. One that if pride’s skin was shed. This may be the beginning path. On the owner of this heathen Midlander was a man of many reasons and weights but when he donned the mantle and became his own Captain he was only scavenging to stay afloat. Even unfortunately slowly resulting in a decline by becoming just another atypical slave trader. But who embraced him here, was the opposite. Even unfortunate was replaced for making his wealth. He was unrelenting and daunting, free, vast. Did he rumble, did he swallow to despair? Of course. Plunges were necessary to uncover troves. This was no longer a dreaming young man anymore. Whoever touched the Captain in their parting had forged this man into stone. That didn’t break to the Void. That didn’t flinch to the unparalleled Depths of Empires. That survived curses and being of Living Death. What was the Crimson vessel merely by the Founding Captain he transformed into a Phoenix that was remarked and recognized until it’s last rising death, however, in the ashes… Came this of holding. His grip was lost as his own weapons disengaged from his person. As he retorted in the brace. “Never again.” Was only uttered suspiciously. “If we do this again, you can’t be the person who loses. I won’t let you. I’d rather stab you in the front myself than see you give another monster, that victory. You can’t go on and act as the main character to a story, you can’t do this without your crew. If we embark… You have to become reliable.” Autumn fell between them.“...Aye. Never again. Shall I ever stray from course, and if I do, I’ll supply you the knife to do me, n’.” Here in this unmarked location. The Golden Crosses reunited. To be empowered to prevail, to truly understand harsh compassion. To overcome true tyrants, from juggernauts that were unbeatable that pirates were more warmongers, pirate’s that shaped existences, to one’s that crossed every murk seas, sand, sky, space, time. This joining had to take place. A bond that together could puncture the past of regrets, slip-ups. This was daylight. “...From now on I return to my following with my new lease and name. Judas Caesar.” As their brace ended, “Sounds edgy and ominous, mate. But It’s got a ring. I take it yer whole Betrayer Mates won’t be any form ov’ happy, eh?” A firm nod stiffened from the Lander, “Aye. They’ll not take kindly to the disappearance and me erasing myself. It’s but another enemy against us if ever found out. Which I believe leads us to think we should return to the cabin and prepare accordingly what sort of dangers and threats are out there. Which conflicts we can quell, avoid, or outright exterminated.” The Seeker smirked as the situation resolved, “Hmm, I concur. Don’t remove yer authoritative leading cap’ just yet…” As plans on a cog steered as the Miqo’te revealed somewhat an inkling he gambled and put everything at stake to this arising. Still playing with the wenches of close-calls. A more serious question caught the attention of Judas, “Uhm, You should change first though, Cap’n. As well, those bands of poachers nearly held all your belongings. I’d refrain from ever going on some sort of loose trip or whatever you were under as well, least if you do it, ensure someone is watching you. I take it you had yer reasoning's behind actually getting into ‘shipments’, I strongly know you’ve disagreed beforehand to those dire motions.” “Aye. I found everything possible I could ever need t’ uncover and resolve. Let’s chew th’ rag elsewhere.” Feeling completely fine and unnervingly comfortable in the get-up that was donned over him ever striking a pose. For these confrontations in briefness taught him, never again, never again... Would he ever have to halt from expression. This was it, the signed /glimmer/ that could change the tides direction, despite, the grim current and challenges it foretold!

(Previous) — References — ♫ ‘Hold your Heart’ — (Next Page)

#Pirate #The First #Wheels were meant to turn #Don't just leave the closet #Break that b@tch down #The most rewarding discovery of all treasures #Resides from the labyrinth of yourself.#Once you find you.#All the rest follows #'True Free'#The Road to HoE #Seeker of the Sun #Miqo'te #FFXIV #Final Fantasy XIV #creative writing

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crystallizedkingdoms · 3 years

Text

“Loss”

ok tbh, i could not tell if the prompt meant love OR loss, or love AND loss, but I just picked loss.

this technically does not have explicit johann death momence, though it’s implied near the end. magic brian’s death and magnus’s wonderland death is in here, however.

@johann-appreciation-week my beloved <3

word count: 1,469 (nice)

The first death Johann experienced on the moon hit him pretty bad. It hit the whole Bureau of Balance pretty hard, for it was also the first employee death since their foundation only three months before. It was a brutal process to figure out what they even did in a situation like this. Of course the employees knew that death was a possibility, the Director had made sure to stress that part when recruiting people. It’s just… well, they hadn’t realized how soon their first death would be, so they didn’t have a protocol for it at that time.

Johann didn’t know the guy. He was a new Regulator, a baby-faced human with a knack for taking people’s lunch “on accident” occasionally. The death probably wouldn’t have hit Johann as hard as it did if the Director hadn’t handed him a parchment containing every piece of information regarding the Regulator and his life the Seekers could gather, then instructed him to feed it to the Voidfish.

The memory of how heavy the parchment became when Johann heard the instructions is always unbearably clear when he thinks back about it. It was a weight no living person on Faerûn deserved to hold. His eyes scanned the parchment instinctively— Name: Clive, Age: 19, Human—

“Do not bother reading it, Johann. It will only make this more difficult,” the Director interrupted his reading with a tap of her brilliant white staff against the parchment. She leaned against her desk when Johann looked up at her, and he noticed a slight redness to her eyes. “You are to do as I say, and you will follow through this procedure for every future death of a Bureau employee. Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes, ma’am,” Johann whispered with an audible voice crack, something he would later curse himself about.

Each step from the Director’s office down to the Voidfish’s chambers with the parchment in hand felt like hell. Johann’s hands shook with each passing moment, up until he stood in front of the creature’s tank. He tried to do as the Director said, tried not to look at the contents of the Regulator’s life, but what good would that do? There Johann stood, holding the documentation of a person’s life, about to feed it to some weird alien jellyfish to erase forever.

What right did Johann— no, what right did anyone in this terrible organization have to erase someone’s very existence?

…

Johann slid the parchment into the panel of the Voidfish’s tank, closed the flap, and yanked the lever down in a few swift motions. Then he collapsed onto his knees and wept.

That was, of course, not the last time Johann had to do that. While deaths in the Bureau were not common per se, it was inevitable that deaths would occur. Enthralled Seekers, Reclaimers attacked during missions, Regulators getting caught in accidents caused by the Relics. All their information found their way into Johann’s hands eventually.

The duty pained Johann throughout the months. Sure, he stopped crying after the twelfth death or so, but that didn’t mean he stopped feeling disgusting after every feeding. The weight of his coworkers’s existence in his arms dragged them down until he could only afford to pick them up when he played a personal composition.

For a long while, the knowledge of what he did for a living plagued Johann’s thoughts. It was a knowledge that haunted every interaction he had with his coworkers, making him constantly wonder when their very own realities would end up in his arms. What would happen to Johann if his time were to run up during his time in the Bureau? Which unlucky person would have to step up and take this job?

Some part of the job made Johann think of himself as an off brand grim reaper. It wasn’t a pleasant thought, but he pondered it when he was on his own. As death took souls and brought them to whatever afterlife there was, Johann took information and brought them to the Voidfish. Except, Johann pushes down the lever with a fabricated coldness to his movements, Death does a far more honourable job than I.

When Brian died, Johann did not dispose of his information. He shoved the job to some random coworker and tried to ignore the news at first. He met the weird recruits, fed the Voidfish his music, then rushed to the extra room connected to the chambers when he saw that coworker walk in with a familiar bunch of parchment.

The room wasn’t supposed to be Johann’s quarters. He had his own dorm room with the rest of the Bureau employees. This was just an extra room that the Director had made for Johann to play his compositions on his own without waking people up during the late nights he found himself awake. Eventually, a couple blankets and pillows found themselves on the floor of the room, and Johann used it when he felt like avoiding things.

Brian’s death could not be avoided. Johann spent hours in that small room, the air feeling thick and hot, trying to rationalize that Brian couldn’t be dead. No, surely Killian had managed to pull him out of that wild, enthralled state he had been in when he escaped the moon, right? Brian would be in the cannon hangar, recovering from the effects of the Relic, but ultimately alive. Johann didn’t really just hand off Brian’s information to some random coworker so they could feed it to the Voidfish because he couldn’t face reality, did he?

Johann hadn’t cried over a death in a long while. He didn’t have the time nor energy to do so anymore, not like he did when he was first starting out. But Brian was the most accomplished wizard Johann had ever known, he was a friend— someone Johann loved and cared for beyond their profession. The pain seared so much harder when it was someone who Johann actually knew was the one being erased from the rest of the world. It didn’t take very long for Johann to break down into a sobbing mess as he once did a year before.

Johann thinks about this whole predicament while he makes his way to the Voidfish. The news spreads fairly quickly. Obviously it did, it was the loss of Magnus Burnsides of all people. Plus, it is kind of hard not to know what was going on, as Johann sees Killian dragging a keening Carey to the dorms while he makes his way to the Voidfish’s chambers. He only gets a curt “Magnus is dead,” from Killian when he asks, for she's already back to hurrying her fiancée to their room to give Johann another glance.

It doesn’t hit Johann very hard, something he immediately shames himself for. Of all deaths to suddenly become desensitized to after two years, mourning each and every death he delivered to their forgotten fates, he can’t bring himself to cry for Magnus?

It’s not that Johann doesn’t like him. No, Johann liked Magnus, even considering their unusual first meeting. It’s hard not to like Magnus after all, especially when Johann’s friends like him as well. And he does feel genuinely sad about the news! Yet, Johann finds that his eyes are empty of tears, while Carey is torn apart from the news.

Perhaps it’s because Johann feels… a strange sense of conclusion to the whole day. It’s a strange sensation that he channels into the harp he plays for the Voidfish, who is unresponsive to him. It is an awkward freestyle sort of tune, which Johann feels is quite fitting, considering how awkward he feels right now.

Johann can’t quite pinpoint why he feels like something, whatever “something” could be, is ending. While he’s deep in thought, Johann wonders if that something is the Bureau. After all, they had gotten almost all of the Relics, hadn’t they? After two years, Johann might finally be free from this false moon, free to return to the world, free to live a life without the fear of being forcibly forgotten by the rest of the world.

Yes, that must be it. Why else would Johann feel something is ending?

In a sudden swirl of movement, the Voidfish starts to sing, and that startles Johann out of his thoughts. He laughs and says, “Oh, oh wow, bud... you’re really, uh, likin’ this song, huh? I’ll make sure to…”

The Voidfish gets loud. Much louder before. It creeps Johann out a bit.

“I’ll feed you soon, buddy. I just gotta transcr—”

A large weight drops down on Johann. Heavy wooden arms are around his neck in an instant. Johann can barely fight it off, and as his harp tumbles out of his arms, he is lost in a world of darkness.

#SORRY FOR THE TIME. I HAVE NO EXCUSE </3 #johann appreciation week #my writing

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2bstudioblog · 3 years

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Konami’s wheels are turning... slowly

Lot’s of interesting news heading to our heads this Monday from what I heard from Yong Yea’s video about Konami wanting to outsource their IP’s to 3rd parties.

Obviously, Akira Yamaoka has kinda given away a strong hint that he’s working on a project with Bloober which in this case would be the long awaited SH remake or the direction they had with PT before it got cancelled. Akira Yamaoka also decided that (too late) he wanted to amend the article from his interview and release it later down the line. It’s very unusual that these news happen, but we all know Yamaoka is most famous for his music in Silent Hill.

Which brings me to a funny story about my own involvement of a Silent Hill game. I mentioned this on a podcast that I was part of 2 Konami-owned IP’s that went into another direction and killing off their franchises which have been like dead bodies in a morgue for the last 7 years.

I got the request to write industrial-metal music for a Silent Hill (of course at this time I only knew the IP and their most famous version of the game has been Silent Hill 2.) game. First I was of course very excited to be part of the series, but I jumped to early until I found out it was a Pachinko-machine (A japanese style pinball-game mixed with a touch-screen and a one-armed bandit and a slot-machine in one.), and my heart sank a little. I think I produced 4-5 cues for the machine, but I’m glad that nobody will be able to hear my “mediocre” masterpieces because all you would hear are metal-balls falling into a tray. But the thing about this machine, it had taken cut-scenes from Silent Hill 2, upscaled or even re-mastered/remade the graphics which would have looked great if it was its own game. But it was the same thing they’ve done with all their other IPs when those transfer over to this kind of entertainment. All what was left of it, Jim Sterling turned the game into a Meme and all I can hear is the -”HIT THE LEVER!” and the effects overpowering the music behind it. But I’m glad it didn’t go further then that. Technically here, Silent Hill(s) died with the arrival of the pachinko-slot machine and the series have tried to re-establish itself ever since.

Another game I was a part of was a Castlevania (Dracula in Japan) themed Pachinko-slot machine, with the revolutionary phrase “Erotic Violence” in it’s PR material and video-commercial. I mean, they took the music production part of this machine very seriously because I wasn’t aware of the “EV” part. I just thought it would be a machine praising the history of Castlevania. I was assigned to re-write and re-orchestrate a few songs from Neo-classical Metal music into more Progressive Metal style, and I was super-proud of this one because they had the sheet-music already available for me. All I had to do was re-arrange some parts for a string-quartet (1 cello, 2 violins and 1 viola) and I believe it was engineered and recorded by famed engineer Kenji Nakai who was under and working with famed engineer Mr Bruce Swedien (Michael Jackson, Quincy Jones).

From that moment me and Mr. Nakai stroke a friendship because he has a passion for Progressive Metal and he asked me if I could send more songs his way. From this we both have been incredibly busy on both of our ends, but I hope we can be able to work on something in the future. I have a feeling that might be soon.

So a long story short, Konami spent a lot of money for recording, they approved everything and we were done. But when it turned out to be a pachinko-machine and not a world-wide videogame release, I just had to facepalm myself, asking the question why they keep doing so many poor decisions. Why leaving all those fans out in the cold and really start making Castlevania mean something. This void of “lots of fancy things, but no substance” started right here...

Konami are turning their wheels a little bit too late and too slow until now. After they got rid of Hideo Kojima (Who I believe was thinking of the international-market rather than the domestic one), Konami had only one thing on their minds: Making money quick and domestically. No more wasted time on translations, straight for the gambling crowd. No need to write interesting stories. No need to introduce kids to this adult material. They wanted to earn it back as fast as possible. But we all see their decisions put them on the map as a “black-company”, who mistreat their staff, shaming them out in the office for overstaying their lunch-breaks. Moving staff from one business to another, from a programmer to a Konami-fitness Center-staff, or as a toilet-cleaner at a Konami-owned pachinko-slot gambling hall. The management of the company has been horrendous for the full-time employee. I’m glad I was not part of these later projects and only wrote stuff for them for Pro Evolution Soccer series from 2009-2012. (My work on 2010-2012 was unfortunately un-credited work. :(

Metal Gear Solid V - The Phantom Pain In My Ass

When the playable teaser called Metal Gear Solid - Ground Zeroes, came out on the PS3 and later on the PS4, it was an introduction for the new graphics engine designed by Hideo Kojima’s team, simply called The FOX-Engine. Basically this “game” was more of a demo rather than a full-product. But it looked great and with a fantastic score by Akihiro Honda, Ludvig Forssell and Harry Gregson-Williams, it had everything going for it to become something really awesome. It became a standard approach from Hideo Kojima now to produce “Playable Teasers” to show a great concept while offering a 3-4 hour short campaign, showing off the engine’s graphical capabilities.

Still, the story was under progress and I knew early on that Hideo Kojima really didn’t want to do it after he always felt that Metal Gear Solid 4 was final. But here is the curse of the die-hard fans, and I’m sorry to say it. No matter how many Iron Man movies Marvel crams out, at the 3rd movie, I started to feel “This does not feel like Iron Man anymore”. But that’s what the fans wanted and is a standard in the movie industry. Always produce a trilogy. Indiana Jones has always been the 3 movies from 1981-1989. The 4th one doesn’t really need to be called Indiana Jones at all. It was there I felt, just like with Metal Gear Solid V, they were beating a DEAD RACE HORSE.

I can’t deny the talents on display for Metal Gear Solid - Ground Zeroes. It laid down some really cool foundations for the gameplay, but I still believe the better game-series for stealth was beaten by the likes of Splinter Cell and most recently Thief. Stealth in MGS has always felt a little bit childish and I only really enjoyed MGS 1, MGS 2, tried to play MGS 3 (still have it one my Vita!) and will try to finish it. MGS 3 has felt like the TRUE Zeroes experience, with the inception of the story and lore behind the cloning of Big Boss. MGS 4 finally brought it all to a great finale and I felt, there is NOTHING more to tell. MGS 1, 2 and 4 is the Trilogy, MGS 3 serves as the Prequel and I see nothing wrong with that.

Mission - Erase Kojima’s Legacy

The making of MGS V - The Phantom Pain is kinda true to it’s title. Can you feel the nostalgia? Or are we just imagining the sensation of a Metal Gear Solid game past it’s prime? The missing link? The missing limb? And with the worlds biggest cop-out of everything that had to do with story was completely missing.

Each mission is playing out every time the same, with an intro to a TV-show, giving away massive spoilers to who would appear in the mission, you do your thing (not so much of story, just a “go-here, do that approach, sneak back out, head to pick-up) rinse and repeat. I wonder how much of this was Kojima’s fault? I don’t think he was up to it. I’m sure he fought for more story but the big heads didn’t want to listen to what makes a MGS game a MGS game. The new management had now already played the hand to disown the man who put Konami on the map for games since the mid 80s.

The game is no longer marketed like before. The tagline “A Hideo Kojima Game” no longer exists and will never be part of Konami’s mission of erasing the person who gave them their fame and the recognition that a game carrying the name Konami was a brand of quality for any gamer out there. Me myself, personally only played PES because of the stellar animations, but its recently since 2012, I stopped playing the series. FIFA had already cheapened itself, PES likewise. Updating the graphics, but the same old animations have been recycled back to the PES3 days. Maybe there’s been an update in the collision engine, but otherwise everything stayed the same, with the huge amount of data collected from previous years of motion-capture, why do it all over when its all about the brand recognition? Saving money on processes wherever possible. Simple Math. And here it is. MGS V is not a MGS game.

We already knew it was going to be a massive budget behind the game of MGS V. But what can Konami do to save money on MGS V? They already have the Fox Engine running from Ground Zeroes. The assets for “Snake” (I’ll let you know why I put quotation-marks around it) and standard models will extend somewhat. Oh, yes, let’s save money on a character that doesn’t speak (Quiet), over-sexualize the character to start a fan-base of people who just dig character design, animated a sexy “shower” routine for the character for boys to go nuts over. What about voice? Let’s not really try to sync the voices to the mouths. Let’s have the guy from “24″ record his performances onto tape-logs. Kiefer Sutherland would have been a good “Snake”, but I understand now that you are not “SNAKE”. The game explains pretty soon at the end that you are just a Medic and all the tapes you’ve been listening to is the original Big Boss. You never where the character of Snake. Even though this all could have been handled better, Konami wanted to save money wherever possible. We also knew David Hayter was not asked or put forward to return as “The Voice of Snake”. But in this case I start to wonder myself, David Hayter might have dodged the biggest bullet in the most expensive, commercial and very controversial game of all time once Konami decided to kill everything that built up their reputation.

Even during production Kojima managed to start working on PT. The game Konami “silenced” after it was released on the PS-store. Guillermo Del Toro and his friendship with Hideo Kojima’s dream-game was put on ice. All because Kojima was about to get frozen out of the company that was according to Konami “Wasting too much bloody money”. I might get blacklisted for saying this, but once the new management started to mess with the other IPs for just domestic/gambling market, that’s where everything went sideways. Konami wasn’t treating their heritage with respect.

It took them 7 years to realize their mistake! And now, for those who wants to be part of 3rd party developers who would get a crack at a new Castlevania, a new Metal Gear Solid (remake I hope), Konami has realized that the only way they will survive (Yeah, Metal Gear Solid Survive killed them HARD) is to let other’s take over. Maybe my dream of scoring a Metal Gear Solid game would be somewhat more possible now rather than working in the confined space of limitations posed by the higher ups at Konami. Let 3rd party developers breathe life into the IPs because I know there are smarter ways to tell a story and I would gladly like to see the return of David Hayter in the seat, without having to deal with the blank-face approach that he was faced with every time he had to audition for Snake in MGS 2, 3 and 4! David Hayter is a fantastic writer, actor and voice-actor. He has the chops and I think we are all ready for either a re-make or a better follow up to MGS 2 and the time between that one and MGS 4.

#Metal Gear Solid V #the phantom pain #Konami #Hideo Kojima #Akira Yamaoka #Yong Yea #Castlevania #Pachinko #Silent Hill #PT #Ground Zeroes #harry gregson williams #ludvig forssell #3rd Party #Bloober team #remake #Metal Gear Solid Remake

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ainchase · 4 years

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Ain’s Master Class Epic Quest Translation

42-1 Overcoming Anxiety

Harnier’s Memory

Messenger of God

As Long As I Remember Me

Harnier's Memory

Ain opened his eyes in a fragment of Harnier’s memory that flowed in with the power of El.

???: ...Don't... forget... yours...lf... Lady of El: ... High Priest: My Lady, it's time for you go to the church. Lady of El: ... High Priest: My Lady? Lady of El: ...! Ah, I did it again... Lady of El: ...Forgive me. It's become harder for me to stay focused... High Priest: It's okay. The fact that your emotion is growing fainter means you are becoming closer to the El. Lady of El: (Becoming... closer to the el.) Lady of El: (It's natural for my memory and sense of self to grow weaker.) Lady of El: ...Okay. ???: Remember... you're... Lady of El: ...! High Priest: Are you okay? Lady of El: ...It's nothing. I just had a headache... High Priest: You must let us know if you're not feeling well. It'd be terrible for something to happen to you. Lady of El: Yes, I understand. I am a representative of the Goddess. I must fulfill my mission to protect the world of Elrios... Lady of El: (...Why do I feel like I'm forgetting something important?) Lady of El: Um... Where are the ones who used to be by my side? High Priest: By your side? You mean the priestesses? They're already at the church. Lady of El: (The priestesses? Did I feel this much fondness for them?) High Priest: We must hurry. The service will begin soon, so please finish your preparations. You must fulfill your duty as the Lady of El, remember? Lady of El: (Duty as the Lady of El. Taking care of the unstable El after it went rampant, a noble task of protecting this world...) Lady of El: (This is only natural. From the day I was chosen as the Lady of El, my life no longer became mine.) Lady of El: (A fate to slowly lose everything and disappear as they become one with the El.) Lady of El: But even so, I made a decision. High Priest: My Lady? What are you... Lady of El: In the end, I decided to stay with them. Because the mission wasn't fulfilled properly, because I believed the world still needed them... Lady of El: And because I myself had wished to stay by their side. ???: ... Lady of El: You and I are alike. We were both given a mission, and we were both meant to disappear to fulfill that mission. Lady of El: But the El’s explosion had nothing to do with our will. Things that never should have come to pass happened on top of another, and we became who we are today. If that is the case... Lady of El: What are we, now that we've been led astray by coincidences from the path we were meant to take? Harnier: ...Ain. Ain: I think I need some explanation, Lady of El-- No, Miss Harnier. Ain: What happened to me? Harnier: When you've arrived at Elysion, most of the power of El that was sustaining you was gone. Ain: (When the portal activated, I felt my strength leaving me. Did it draw away my power because the crystal wasn't enough?) Harnier: The power of El that gives you your form is not from a specific element, but a pure power of the Goddess itself. Harnier: It appears while I was transferring the power of El that I can control to you, some of my memories ended up mixing in. Ain: So you were the one who told me I shouldn't forget myself. Well then, how do we get out of this place? Harnier: Now that you've found yourself, the next natural step is for you to wake up, but... Perhaps the reason you can't lies within you. Ain: Within me? Harnier: The power to reflect the will of El... I'm wondering if the reason you can't escape this place is that you are refusing to wake up. Ain: That can't be true. Even at this very moment, I want to wake up immediately. I have to check to see if others are safe... Ain: !!! Harnier: Ain!

Messenger of God

Messengers of God blocks Ain and Harnier’s path. They declared an eternal exile to Ain who was suffering in confusion.

Harnier: What is going on...? Messenger of God: Ainchase Ishmael. Ain: ...! Messenger of God: The one who abandoned his mission. Messenger of God: A heretic who refused his fate. Messenger of God: An existence of a different nature from the rest of "us." Harnier: Another agent... of the Goddess like Ain? Messenger of God: He is to be discarded. Sink forever to the bottom of order itself. Ain: What...? Harnier: Ain, you must get a hold of yourself. Even this is nothing but a manifestation of your own anxiety, they're not real! Ain: (These things... are my anxiety?) Ain: (I've... feared other emissaries of the Goddess? No, no... that can't be it.) Messenger of God: You've abandoned the mission the Goddess has given you. Ain: I didn't abandon the mission. I did what I had to do in order to deal with the problems that occurred. Messenger of God: You were given something that was not permitted to you. You strayed from your original mission because of that. Ain: ...My original mission was to add my existence to the Giant El to stabilize it. Ain: It's different from what I was supposed to do, but I've always been looking for a way to stabilize the El. The true nature of my mission hasn't changed. Ain: The reason why the Goddess never answered me was definitely because something must've happened... In order to fix that, the El must be restored completely. Ain: It's possible to do that even without Elsword's sacrifice. In fact, the El Search Party must endure, in case the El is in danger again-- Messenger of God: You said yourself that you must save Elsword, even if it meant going against your mission. Ain: That's... Messenger of God: You've been corrupted a long time ago. Although you said the true nature hasn't changed, but you should know yourself... Messenger of God: Do you dare say that you are the same as us, when you've went against the Goddess's will, came in contact with chaos, and even called a creature from the demon realm your friend. Ain: ... Messenger of God: Your faith has been corrupted. You prioritized your judgment over the Goddess's mission, telling yourself that it was for the El's sake. In doing so, you have challenged the Goddess's authority. Messenger of God: You've abandoned your God, and you are no longer the same as us. You don't have the right to use the name the Goddess has given you. Ain: (I've made up my mind to decide and carry out the things I must do, not as a representative for a lofty mission, but as Ainchase Ishmael.) Ain: (But that decision is going against the very definition of my existence? If the things I've done to define myself ended up denying my own origin...) Ain: (The change I've brought about... no longer makes me... me... What's waiting for me at the end of all this change?) Ain: (No, no. I'm not wrong. The fact that I still exist here without disappearing means that God himself acknowledges my actions.) Ain: ...I don't regret my decision to save Elsword and protect the El Search Party. That was never a wrong decision to make. Ain: Yes, I've changed. But that wasn't to challenge God's authority or to abandon the Goddess. I just... Ain: I just did what I thought was right. This is the right path. Elria has accepted my will, and that's why I-- Messenger of God: You truly believe that? Ain: What are you trying to s... Messenger of God: When the authority over you changed to Elria... Did he give you a mission? Ain: ...That's... Messenger of God: No other agent of God had taken your footsteps. However, you had the audacity to believe, without question, that God had accepted your objectives. Messenger of God: The insolence to interpret God's will how ever you see fit is also a quality none of us share. Ain: ... Messenger of God: Hear me, heretic. You've been corrupted, and thus you are no longer one of us. Ain: (This is... an illusion? How can anyone say none of this exists, when each word is shaking me to my core?) Messenger of God: You are a nothing if you're not us. Ain: (I thought all I had to do was to control the repulsion I felt. I thought I held up quite well so far. But... if my decision was correct...) Ain: (Why... was I so nervous?) Messenger of God: You have no conviction over your decision. The absence of faith equals the void. Ain: (...The very foundation of my existence is wavering. This is the reason I was afraid of becoming something other than a Celestial...) Messenger of God: A human's faith is brief, Ain: (What form will I be in to stay by their side, if I'm no longer a Celestial? Even after I change...) Messenger of God: and so it is completely void of meaning. Ain: (Would they continue to see me... as Ain...?) Harnier: Ain. Harnier: I'm sure you've seen it earlier, but I've lived a part of my life as the Lady of El. Ain: ... Harnier: Back when I stayed at the Tower of El, I... ate a lot of food. Whenever I had free time, I ate something. Did you know? I'm not a picky eater. Harnier: The priestesses tried to stop me, saying I might get a stomachache, but I filled my tummy with whatever I can find. Ain: ...What are you trying to say? Harnier: Looking back, I might've been trying to fill the void in me that grew the more I became one with the El... I think. Harnier: As times went by, I could not feel even that emptiness in the end. Ain: ... Harnier: I grew scared, the more I couldn't remember anything. I must be doing the right thing for Elrios, so I couldn't understand why I was feeling that way. Harnier: I thought it was because I lacked faith, because I wasn't ready to sacrifice myself. I felt agonized, conflicted... and tormented. Harnier: And when I finally made my decision... Who do you think made that decision for me? Ain: ... Harnier: I chose to do what I can do. In the end, I was the one who accepted my fate as the Lady of El. Ain: You did that... knowing you won't be human anymore when you become one with the El? Harnier: Even if every part of me is erased and forgotten, the very last bit of me at the very last moment, will still be me. Harnier: Don't be afraid to be afraid. It's okay to be nervous of change. Harnier: It's natural to feel anxious if you have chosen to forge your own path instead of following what fate has chosen for you. All living beings feel that anxiety. Ain: (This anxiety... is natural?) Harnier: The fact that I am Harnier and that you are Ain will never change. Even if we become something we are not, even if no one can remember us... Harnier: We both know that we had once existed at that time, in that place, along with everyone. Ain: (A life fated to be forgotten when intervention is over.) Ain: (But he remembered. My existence, the time he had spent with me, my... name.) Ain: (Though the Goddess has bestowed that name upon me, regardless of her, that name... still means "me.") Ain: (Even if I change into something else, not a Celestial or anything at all, would you guys still...) Ain: The space... Harnier: Are you okay? Ain: ...I'm not sure. Ain: Is it okay to say that this is okay? To think that it's normal to feel like I'm endlessly sinking beneath my feet... I'm not sure. Harnier: I think the reason you feel anxious is that you're now able to understand other people's perspectives. Ain: Understand... others? Harnier: You're now looking at the world through your own eyes, not just to blindly carry out an absolute order because you're told to. You don't take things at face value, you're trying to understand why before accepting it as your reality. Ain: ...All the things I used to consider meaningless. Ain: Thank you. I don't think the detail of you not being a picky eater was necessary, but you were helpful nonetheless. ???: Ain... chase... Harnier: Ain...? That's...! Ain: ...As a thank you, I'll also show you something that you don't need to know. ???: Ishmael... Ain: It's a manifestation of my anxiety. Manifestation of Anxiety: Ainchase Ishmael... Ain: ... Manifestation of Anxiety: It's not too late. You can still turn around. Manifestation of Anxiety: Discard all impurities from coming in contact with Henir and come to me. Manifestation of Anxiety: Aren't there still things you need to carry out in my name as my agent? Harnier: Ain...! Ain: ...O Goddess Ishmael, Ain: Forgive me for making you appear in this form because of my worry. Manifestation of Anxiety: You had defied me once... and later said you'll return my power to Elrios. Manifestation of Anxiety: Inconsistency is a human construct. You are a Celestial. Manifestation of Anxiety: The more you accept what is theirs, you will grow further away from a Celestial. But you will never be a human either. Manifestation of Anxiety: Do you wish to be... "chaos" that lingers between a Celestial and a human? Ain: I used to think it's probably better to return to a time when I was just blindly chasing after my mission whenever I grew fearful of change. Ain: Looking back, running away to the past is an idea I never even would have thought of. Ain: If it's because I learned it from a human... If this is the consequence of my decision... Ain: I will gladly accept it. Ain: Goddess Ishmael -- No, "Manifestation of My Anxiety." I will never be a part of the chaos. Ain: I am too aware of my existence to be a part of that. Ain: Not only am I an agent of the Goddess with her mission to fulfill, but I am also the one who set my own goal to save the Goddess under Elria's authority. Ain: The one who will constantly change and protect them by existing in their time. Ain: I'm Ainchase Ishmael.

As Long As I Remember Me

After finding inner peace thanks to Harnier’s guidance, Ain faces the manifestation of his anxiety. His voice rang clear as he declared who he is to the voice urging him to return to the right path.

Harnier: Are you okay? Ain: Lady of El... Ain: No, I should call you Miss Harnier. Ain: Thank you for helping. I wouldn't have been able to get out if I was by myself. Harnier: No, you would've woken up even without me. I just hastened the process. Ain: How can you be so sure? You were... Ain: Well, I did show you too many things. Ain: ...Miss Harnier. I understand that my anxieties are a bit exaggerated fear of the reality and that the end has not been decided yet. Ain: And you told me it's natural to feel this way. Ain: In retrospect, I think I was anxious the moment I faced the chaos. I looked at humans, couldn't understand them, and always felt anxious somewhere in my heart... Ain: Although my anxiety originated from Henir, but now... it's solely become a part of my emotions. Ain: I thought I'd be fine as long as I had my conviction, but in the end... I wavered, enough to collapse and fall. Ain: If I have to face this natural feeling over and over again, one day it might just end up consuming me. And if that happens... Ain: What lies beyond that? Harnier: You're always changing, Ain. You're different now than you were when I last saw you. Harnier: In the past, your form would have disappeared if you were in the same predicament, but you managed to keep your physical form even as you fell unconscious. That is the proof. Ain: ...! Harnier: Even now, I sometimes think it would be better for everyone for me to just become one with the El to stabilize it. Harnier: But there were those who told me it's okay for me to live as me. Harnier: Perrihart said so... Ventus, Denif, and the current priestesses... Everyone. They said they didn't want me to sacrifice alone. Harnier: Thanks to them, I am able to live my life as "Harnier." Harnier: And I'm striving to do the things I can, both as "Lady of El" and "Harnier." Harnier: Ain, I was the one who accepted the path of becoming a Lady of El. I tried to accept the sacrifice that was asked of me. Harnier: But now, I've decided to live as Harnier. This is turning over my previous decision... It too is a change. Harnier: And I didn't bring about this change on my own. Many told me it's okay, so I was able to change. Harnier: And some changes happen even before you're aware. Harnier: Are you still afraid of change? Ain: ... Ain: I'd be lying if I said I'm not, but... Ain: Perhaps it's okay if I think this change is their influence. Ain: Surely, I'll be anxious again, but... yes. If I can recall this story, I should be okay again.

#elsword translation #i actually translated this time?#42-1 #ain master class

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virlath · 4 years

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The symbolism of the leafless tree

Commonly referred to as "the Oak," the constellation Fervanis is generally represented by a towering tree with leafless branches. Many scholars believe this is a representation of nature that harkens back to the lore of the early Neromenians, whose beliefs largely aligned with animism, prior to the rise of Old God worship and the creation of the Tevinter Imperium.

Others, however, believe Fervanis was originally a constellation of the elven people - specifically, a depiction of Andruil, goddess of the Hunt. "Vir Tanadhal," or "Way of Three Trees," is a central tenet of Andruil, and some think that Fervanis originally represented this concept.

—From A Study of Thedosian Astronomy by Sister Oran Petrarchius

===

I’ve seen Fervenial, Andruil, and the Vir Tanadhal (way of three trees) being referenced to a lot alongside “that tree” from EA Play.

I have so many thoughts on this- mainly because there is so much symbolism to read into and unpack about one of my fave topics, TREES!!!

Seriously though, I love analysing trees in DA because the semiotics lends itself to an endless rabbit hole of interpretation and meaning. So much kudos to the designers and writers for this aspect of the game.

Trees are clearly an important symbol to the elves. The tree symbolism is found everywhere amongst elven ruins and lore, on their banners, and in their crafts.

The vhenadhal in particular (usually a massive oak tree), is of particular importance because it is a symbol of Arlathan- the fallen empire.

The vhenedhal is seen as a symbol of reverence and worship, and some even use it for prayer.

The vhenadhal is also associated to the elves’ loss of immortality:

We/it lost eternity or the ruined tree of the People, Time won’t help when the land of dreams is no longer our journey. We try to lead despite the eventual failing of our markings. To the inevitable and troubling freedom we are committed. When we could no longer believe, we lost glory to war. When the Wolf failed/won, we lost the People to war.

Since we learnt the elven empire heavily depended on lyrium and the titans in the Descent, I think the Vhenadhal holds way more meaning than just an oak tree symbolising Arlathan and Andruil’s Vir Tanadhal.

Personally, I think most of the underlying meaning of the tree in elven culture derives from the time when the elves literally depended on lyrium and the titans to physically exist.

The tree of the People is not simply a tree. The symbol of the tree represents the elves’ inherent ties to lyrium- with roots bound to the earth and veins reaching for the sky. And at the heart of it, where the branches all converge, the heart of a titan.

It is why I think the vhenadhal is most commonly associated with a sense of loss, with the fall of Arlathan and the “quickening” of the elves’ immortality.

What if the leafless tree once quite literally represented the very heart(/s) of what once formed the foundation of the entire elven empire?

Fervenial could represent the oak, and Andruil, and the way of three trees, sure. But couldn’t it just as easily represent a titan heart, and all the veins and arteries connecting to it?

Why else would trees be so revered and hold so much meaning in elven culture? Why else would Mythal be referred to as the All-Mother? She literally controlled a lyrium operation, of which life’s creation derives from. Her partner Elgar’nan, even seemingly carved a statue of himself from a titan.

Whomever held control of the titans held control of the empire- so it’s no wonder the evanuris were considered gods. Their access and control of lyrium allowed them to create so much of what the elven empire was built on, and in turn allowed them access to more power than anyone else. As Solas put it, most of the empire that was destroyed by the veil were “intrinsically tied to the fade”. And as Dagna said “lyrium and the fade, linked”.

The fact that the tree has carried through the ages as a symbol of the People and as a symbol of divinity and prayer, is already pretty telling in how important the symbol of the tree once meant. If you link it back to the ancient elves’ dependence on the titans and lyrium, so much more meaning can be derived from other common elven symbols and ruins (such as the banner below).

How does the constellation tie back to Andruil, if at all?

The constellation Fervenial has layered interpretations, often referred to as the Oak or as representing the Vir Tanadhal (way of three trees). Knowing the writers often like to employ the use of multiple open ended meanings, Fervenial could simply represent aspects of both interpretations.

The Vir Tandhal may even have been a philosophy that was reinterpreted by the Dalish, just like how the oaken staff is now used to guide the dead. The oak tree in itself is symbolic of the material, unchanging world. It symbolises life, but also death in all respects - the death of the hunted, and the death of a non-immortal elf.

Once the veil was formed, I think the symbol of the leafless tree inevitably changed to match the changed nature of the elves. The trees were now tied to a material reality- no longer were they shaped by the will of the elves. Perhaps this is how the oak (and vhenadhal) came to be such a big symbol for the elves after the fall of Arlathan - they represented the very construct of life as they knew it.

The crossroads

The crossroads is a small pocket dimension with it’s own rules of reality, created by the elves to join paths together.

When an elf inquisitor is in the crossroads, the trees are lively and full of colour and life.

If you have a non-elf inquisitor however, everything is bleak, grey, and barren. All trees are devoid of life and all have barren branches.

This is the great irony of what the tree actually represents.

To create their ancient structures, reality, and “life” itself, ancient elves needed access to lyrium and the fade. When the veil was created, access to the fade was sundered. With lyrium access nonexistent and the divided realms of the material and the fade disrupting their very nature, the empire fell to ruins.

The leafless tree became a symbol of loss and death - rather than the literal wellspring of life.

Mythal and the leafless tree

Mythal is often associated to the leafless tree - it is even stitched onto Flemeth’s grimoire. Her vallaslin references this same leafless tree symbolism, and in retrospect it kinda makes sense considering she (assumed) killed a titan and controlled a massive lyrium operation with Solas as the guard/maintainer of it all.

Gilded loot boxes in DAI also have the symbol of the leafless tree on it (this is in the Solasan temple). I think it strongly indicates Mythal’s influence, due to the gold along with the tree.

Leafess tree statues

The leafless tree is also found in the form of statues in the crossroads and elven ruins, such as the dead hand.

Interestingly, these statues seem to also be able to serve a purpose, acting as a container for magic, or as part of a key to unlocking a door, or as part of a ritual.

In ancient Arlathan, I imagine all of these statues once held some sort of magic that tied the structures of the empire together, which is why they are so commonplace in elven ruins.

The magic held within these statues in the Dead Hand is also very reminiscent of the magic Valta used in the Descent. If they are the same, it heavily implies Arlathan was built on the same magic from the titans.

This obviously has big implications for the elves and dwarves in the future.

How will the dwarves react when they find out about their lost history? Why were the memories of the titans erased - and by whom?

"In this place we prepare to hunt the pillars of the earth. Their workers scurry, witless, soulless. This death will be a mercy. We will make the earth blossom with their passing."

Mythal controlled a lyrium mine operation, but at what cost? How do the dwarves tie into all of this, and was Mythal truly the benevolent protector to them?

#dragon age #dai #da4 #leafless trees #ea play 2020 #mythal #ancient elvhenan #titans #vhenadhal #flemeth #leafless tree #lyrium #arlathan #da theories #drabble

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miyu-hyperfixates · 4 years

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The Untamed and MDZS appreciation and recommendation post

Okay so fair warning to my small amount of followers, this blog will probably be full of MXTX contents starting from now, because I’ve fallen into MXTX’s hell and I don’t see myself climbing out any time soon.

I’m not even kidding in the span of three months, I’ve watched CQL (like 4 times), watched the special edition, watch the MDZS donghua, read the novel, read the manhua, read a fair amount of fics, discovered the SVSSS’s characters through a few crossover fanfics, started to read SVSSS, then TGCF (as well as their respective manhua up to the last translated chapters) and well generally immersed myself into the fandoms. And I LOVE it! And I have so, so many feelings and thoughts about the characters, the plots, the relationships, everything, that I don’t even know where to start!

Okay so for those who don’t know what the hell I’ve talking about. MXTX stands for Mò Xiāng Tóng Xiù who is the author of three amazing novels: Mo Dao Zu Shi (MDZS) [also called Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation], The Scum Villain’s Self-Saving System (SVSSS) and Tian Guan Ci Fu (TGCF) [Heaven Official’s Blessing]. The Untamed or Chen Qing Ling (CQL) is the chinese drama adaptation of her most well known (as of now) novel MDZS.

I am going to talk about CQL/The Untamed and MDZS (novel version) in this post... But it will probably be followed by posts about TGCF and SVSSS too.

I’ve tried to be pretty vague on several points so that should keep the spoilers at minimum, in case you didn’t watch CQL yet.

[More under the cut]

Okay so as someone of Asian descent who was born and raised in an European country and spent her formative years watching wuxia and xianxia, The Untamed/CQL is the kind of representation that I really didn’t know I needed and I am so, so glad that I gave it a chance. (Big, big thanks to @shit-happens-bitchachos for reblogging so much CQL contents that the frequent presence of it on my dash got me curious enough to start watching it).

Watching The Untamed for the first time feels like coming back to a home that you once thought would be frigid but actually became very warm and welcoming without you noticing because you have been away for so long. And it feels both nostalgic and new, in the best possible way. It’s a wonderful feeling, really.

Where to find it?

You can watch the drama english sub version on Netflix, Viki or Youtube, just typed “The Untamed” and you should find the episodes easily.

To be honest, though I am very thankful for the existence of such platform, I have a slight [read huge] dislike of Netflix’s choice of translation for any Asian movie/tv shows. I mean I’m not going to go off on a debate about official translation vs fan translation, nor westernization and how doing so not only take off a huge layer of subtle/or not so subtle communication but also participate to erase part of the culture. [Because I have opinions about this and I am still very much so cringing about all the “Yanli”s, it is really not the point I’m trying to make right now. ]

So out of the three version, I’d lean more on the Viki version. To be clear though this choice isn’t based on the accuracy of the translation, but strictly on the choice of naming and title convention.

As for the novel, you can find here a complete english translation made by the Exiled Rebels Scanlations group.

The plot

I’m not going to go into detail about the plot, because I’m sure a lot of people out there managed to do so in a way more articulate way that I ever could.

So basically CQL is about Wei Wuxian, aka the Yiling Patriarch. The Yiling Patriarch is like this huge urban legend that everyone warns their children about, except he actually existed. Why such a reputation? Well, in a Cultivation society where people used spiritual energy to fight and exorcise creatures full of resentful energy (such as ghost, ghouls and other things), the Yiling Patriarch is actually the guy who decided that he was going to use resentful energy to fight resentful energy. What he is doing is called “demonic cultivation” and if you want a western equivalent it would be quite close to using necromancy. And if you want an idea of how blasphemous such method of cultivation is deemed, it would be the equivalent of going to a Christian exorcist organization and yelling loud and clear to all the people there that you’re gonna desecrate the tombs of all holy people and use their corpses to fight ghost and other dark creatures.

So the legend/story of the Yiling Patriarch goes as follow: The Yiling Patriarch and his army of corpses were actually quite useful to turn over the tide of a war that shook the foundations of the Cultivation World, annihilating the strongest Sect of the five Great Cultivation Sects (that lorded over the cultivation society). But some time afterwards the Yiling Patriarch revealed his true colors, and killed more than 3000 cultivators (among them his elder sister and her husband - orphaning their one month old son) before finally ended up being killed by his own little brother.

And now sixteen (or thirteen in the novel) years later, Wei Wuxian’s soul got called back because of a dark ritual. The ritual involved giving up their own soul and offering their body to summon up the soul of a dead, evil, person. The soul summoned would have to accomplish the task the summoner wished for, or the soul would be forever destroyed without being able to ever reincarnate. And so, Wei Wuxian woke up in the body of Mo Xuanyu, a young man who was abused by his family and wished for revenge. While trying to work out what he is supposed to do, Wei Wuxian quickly realized that the Mo family is actually being targeted by fierce corpses that are acting way more aggressively than they should. Turns out that it was because of a possessed spirit sword [a cut out arm in the novel].

Afterwards he encounters Lan Wangji, an esteemed cultivator, one of the strongest of his generation, coming from one of the most righteous Cultivation Sect. And the thing is, Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji appear to have quite a complicated history that dates back to their teenage years. And CQL/MDZS is not only about how they decided to investigate the mystery of the possessed sword/arm (which ended up digging up a lot of secrets and conspiracy ), but also about Wei Wuxian’s past, starting from when he was 15 and meeting Lan Wangji for the first time.

The few things that you’re probably going to feel/think while watching the few first episodes

Confusion I think I’m not even kidding when I say you’re supposed to be in a state of perpetual confusion for the first two episodes... There’s this huge info dump, in the first five minutes of episode 1, then you’ll have to navigate this new world feeling as confused as dead-for-sixteen years Wei Wuxian... You’ll meet dozens of characters and if you can’t remember their names or who they are it’s normal don’t worry. Each character has a birth name (Wei Ying, Lan Zhan) and a courtesy name that (Wuxian, Wangji)... And so if you see Wei Ying or Wei Wuxian just know that it refers to the same person. And to complicate things further some characters also have a title (Yiling Patriarch, Hanguang-Jun) other people might use to refer to them. So really, if you want to understand what is going on, you might want to note the name, title and relationship down... But it’s kinda tedious? I promise it is unnecessary as those characters will all be introduced properly in the flash-back starting at the end of episode 2, and you’ll fully be able to get used to them and keep track of them. Of course, if you managed to remember a few names, once the character is being introduced in the past, you’ll get a “ Oh so at some point, this is going to happen to them” sort foreshadowing/foreknowledge, which is neat, I guess. [I recommend going back to watch the first two episodes, once the flash-back is over, to fully grasp what was going on there].

What the hell am I even watching? Okay so this one might only just be me but I was pretty hooked by the story by episode 3... and then I reached episode 8 and 9 and I kid you not, I went “Oh boy... that’s.... yeah okay... *cover face with hands*”... So I was cringing pretty hard for those two episodes out of second-hand embarrassment at the extras actors acting level... Like woah... It was supposed to be scary and threatening and all but I couldn’t just take them seriously? (You’ll know what I’m talking about when you get there)... That with some plot points made me seriously consider stopping right there.... But thankfully I didn’t. So you really just need to pass the first two episodes [which are really good] and cringe your way through the two most abyssal episodes in the show (in my opinion) and everything will go smoothly afterwards. Though to be fair, it might be explained by the fact that no one expected that CQL would have the highest number of reviews of Chinese drama, nor that it would be the highest earning drama of 2019 and certainly not that it would accumulate 8 billions views on Tennent by May 2020. Where am I going with this? Well it was certainly no Game of thrones in terms of budget... That’s what I’m trying to say. It had a low budget production... and well in a fantasy world where everyone and their grandma use supernatural power to fight each other and demonic creatures, special effects are a must. Choices had had to be made [and while I am very thankful for the aspects they decided to use the money on] the special effects were very touch and go.

Okay but are they going to be together or is this another case of queerbaiting? So if what you’re asking is “will we ever get a kiss, a love confession or definite proof of their relationship?”. The very short answer is “No.” You’ll never see any of those on screen for the very simple and good reason that there are censorship laws in China regarding queer relationship on screen. “So it’s basically queerbaiting?” Again no. CQL was adapted from a BL chinese novel. In the novel there is absolutely no room for doubts that they are together. But because of the censorship the producer teams had to remove all definite and obvious proof of romance, but it also means that they had to be creative and anything in the subtext or subtle areas was a go. Like really they crammed more homoerotic text (like at this point is this even subtext) in the show than in all other kinds of adaptations (including the novel, where we get kissing, sex and eloping). It got the point that contrarily to the novel, donghua and manhua where the whole Cultivation world thought Lan Wangji hated Wei Wuxian and that they couldn’t stand each other,in the show everybody and their dogs knew that the two were very close. Also, while I absolutely hate that those censor law exist and am very disappointed that such homophobic mentality still exist and that we won’t get a full adaptation and explicit of their love story, I must say that because of this my demisexual ass absolutely love the depiction of their love in the show. I mean, when you don’t have the “easy way out” of kissing and sex and so all to show that they is definitively romance material going on here... You have to get creative, you have to convey it with all other gestures... touching, gazing at each other and so on... And it creates such a soft but intense and intimate environment around them...By the way I’m not trying to negate their sexual relationship in the novel (#LetWangxianFreelyExpressTheirSexualLives)... I’m just saying that I’m not sure the producing teams would have gotten to such a length in the show if they could just have adapted the explicit romance scenes. Now if somehow they’d had managed to keep the same level of intense subtext and be able to adapt the romance scenes too, that would have been the best, but well...

The reasons you should still absolutely watch/read it?

The plot

The way all those character journeys and stories are interwoven in such a cohesive picture is nothing short of amazing. And the way that Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji unravel events that happened more than a decade ago piece by piece [or rather body part by body part] is so very well done. And of course half way through, you think that you’ve got the full pictures, and you’re sort of gloating all the while because you see it coming from miles away and how can the cast be that stupid... And well you are not wrong. Watch out for the canary though. The show chose to move a few things in term of timeline (character appearing and events happening way before they were supposed to... )... They also added a few original plot points in the past.... So as a results it feels slightly less cohesive and coherent than in the novel. Anyway I won’t go into details here because I’ve got this super long post planned where I’d detailed all the differences between the novel and the show and why some things worked in my opinion but not other. CQL and MDZS are what a properly balanced plot-driven and character-driven show/novel look like.

The relationships

Of course, Wangxian (Wei Wuxian/Lan Wangji) should absolutely be mentioned. Because throughout the story in the past, you watch as young, wild, ingenious, thinking-out-of-box Wei Wuxian meet an equally young seemingly inflexible, impassive, following 3000+ rules in his daily lives Lan Wangji, you watch how their personality clashes before finally acknowledging each other skills, you watch how they hurt during the war, how quickly they had to grew up, you watch how one of them had to watch the other walking down a quickly crumbling path, being alienated by the world without being able to help, you watch how they lost each other, before finally finding each other again after sixteen/thirteen years. And then you can finally watch how soft they are with each other, how in-sync they are, the trust, the devotion, the willingness to stand by each other against the whole fucking world. And as I already mentioned before, because of the censure law in China, you’ll never can’t and will never get to see Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian say “I love you” to each other on the show. It still manages to convey “I love you” in every other possible way without having them actually say the words. I mean at this point it can’t even be considered subtext... It’s plain text written in bold underlined font that can be read in every single one of their interactions, and sometimes even when the other isn't even there, [It's basically subtitles! Hah! Okay getting out of there].

It helps that the chemistry between the two actors is absolutely mind-blowing. And the acting is nothing short of amazing. If you’ve been in the spn fandom then you might know that Jensen is king of the micro-expressions ... well I’m afraid that he has been dethroned by Wang Yibo (Lan Wangji’s actor) in my mind.

But really, wangxian is not the only relationship worth mentioning in CQL/MDZS. One of the other huge highlight in my opinion is the several siblings dynamics. There are about seven sets of siblings among the whole cast and because shitty, shittier and shittiest parents were apparently the norm for their generation, we get to see the trope of “eldest child basically raised their younger siblings” in five different flavors. Of course the main focus is on Wei Wuxian and his siblings, but it doesn’t mean that you can’t see the sheer care and protectiveness oozing out of the other four sets of siblings. As someone who loves family bonding (and especially found families), I really appreciate the fact that among those sets of siblings, there are some that are related by blood, some who are half-siblings and some who are not related biologically but consider themselves siblings regardless. And while all their relationships are different - because they are different people - they all do share the same love for their siblings. “How far are you willing to go for your siblings?” “How much are you ready to sacrifice for them?” The show answers those two questions in various all throughout the story in a more or less oblique way, and right there lies the motivation behind a lot of the characters’ actions, good or bad. Their relationship with their siblings is actually one of the major driving force of the characters (Wei Wuxian among them). And I love it, because it shows that love comes in a many, many forms.

The overarching themes

“What’s right, what’s wrong? Who’s good, who’s evil? Who’s strong, who’s weak?”

In such an elitist society who will judge you at the drop of a hat (especially if you have the bad taste of coming from a more unfortunate lineage), how can you define the difference between “right” and “wrong”? Wherein the midst and the aftermath of a blood thirsty war, the distinction between “good” and “evil” more often than only lies on where you were born and/or your family name rather than where you actually stood or what you did in the war. This right here is the very huge underlying theme that is being woven throughout the show/novel. Not only are we, the viewer/reader, invited to think/judge for ourselves based on the actions of the characters... But our main character, Wei Wuxian verbalizes those doubts and questions explicitly a few times and implicitly in the stand and choices that he decided to take. And due to Wei Wuxian’s influence, Lan Wangji who is used to follow his 3000+ rules on a daily life basis without ever questioning them, starts to do so. (“Do not befriend evil.”, “Be righteous.” ) What does it mean to be righteous? Must the notion of righteousness always align with general opinion? How do you define the ‘evil’ that you are not supposed to befriend? Is my definition the same as yours? Is my definition the same as the rest of the world? And if it is not the case, does it necessarily means that I’m in the wrong? And the very obvious answer to those questions is “No, there is no visible line between ‘right’ and ‘wrong’, ‘good’ or ‘evil’... Nor is there any universally agreed on way to act in order to fit in one category or the other...” And this answer is illustrated in all the ways those numerous characters are depicted: their love, their hatred, their fear, their pain, their joys, their tears, their motivations, their frustrations, their shortcomings, their hidden or not so hidden agenda, their flaws... All of them are depicted in such an awesome and wholesome human way. They are not fully good or fully bad, they are human, with all that it entails... Main characters and main villains included (or rather, I’d say especially them) [Though the show tended smooth and cover this aspect a little bit more than the novel in my opinion]

“Don't you understand? When you’re standing on their side, you’re the bizarre genius, the miraculous hero, the force of the rebellion, the flower that blooms alone. But the second your voice differs from theirs, you’ve lost your mind, you’ve ignored morality, you’ve walked the crooked path.” (Jiang Cheng)

Another theme that is strongly address here is the matter of “Public Opinion”. Despite (or rather because of) how fickle it is, public opinion, rumors (no matter how unfounded) could so easily ruins your reputation, your standing. And if you loose their favors than all your previous actions (no matter how praised it had been in the past) would be seen with a blackened lens. I remember feeling as frustrated as Wei Wuxian at the lack of logic, the rhetoric employed and the sheer hypocrisy that had been portrayed by the mass. I think that there is one character that can be easily recognized as the pure personification of “Public Opinion”, he is without a doubt meant to be the “voice of the mass, of the bystanders whose opinions shouldn’t really matter but actually does a lot”. I won’t tell who it is, it’s pretty obvious if you watch the show... And I think that we are meant to feel annoyed at such characters. I think we are meant to be as frustrated as that one character who at a mass gathering tried to make a stand, tried to do the right thing, but was quickly shut down with dubious rhetoric and blatant disregard because their voice didn’t carry enough power. And last but not least, the show/novel broaches the issue of how social standing is considered very, very much dependent on your circumstance of birth. Like I said before the cultivation world in CQL/MDZS is inherently elitist. In order to be able to cultivate you must learn the proper techniques and at a quite young age. But it is not something that you could do on your own unless you’re some kind of genius or prodigy. Which means that you must attract the attention of a nearby sects or begs them to take you in as a disciple. It means though that you’ll probably start a little later than the disciples that were born directly within the sect [inner disciples], meaning you’ll probably end being weaker. However even if by some truly dedication and perseverance you manage to the same level as the inner disciples, you’ll still only be seen as an outer disciples, nothing more than cannon fodder in the eyes of society. In all the major sects, there is a distinctive mark, objects that only disciples coming from the sect family line are allowed to carry, as an irrevocable sign of their high standing in society and their inherent privileges. There are some exceptional circumstances though where someone of low birth status might reach this elitist sphere. But no matter how high they reach, how outstanding they are, in some way they will always be reminded (sometimes behind their backs, sometimes subtly, sometimes right in their face) of the stigma of their birth. There are three characters in particular, whose journeys mirror and foil each other a lot. And I think it is very interesting to see this “son of a prostitute” or “son of a servant” or “street rat” or “bastard” advanced through society. They all received very different upbringings, despite all starting more or less at a low point. And I liked that the way they decided to live later on and how they tackle/handle the cultivation world is very much reflected and influenced by their upbringings rather than the circumstances of their birth. It brings up this very strong message that, if they are the way they are it is not because of who their parents are, but rather how the people around them reacted to them. The way they are right now is not the fruit of their birth but a direct consequences of the rejection/acceptance of society. And so when you look at them, you can’t help but see their journeys as a three forking road paths reflecting the other like twisted mirrors. You look at their actions now, then back their different circumstances and you can’t help but think “Ah, that is what might happened if things were different.” [There is a reason that canon-divergence and time travel fix-it are my favorite tropes... my bias is really showing here... haha] And it really, really hammers on the importance of kindness in the face of misery and discrimination. Kindness and acceptance at the right moment, no matter how small can change everything. Sometimes, something even as small as a candy.

The movie sets and props So I mentioned before that the budget of CQL really wasn’t that high and they had to make choices. And I could only applaud their choices, because really, wah! Just look at the main sects locations, the scenery, the backgrounds. It’s so beautiful!! [Had I had any gifing talent I would have included them so that you could get the full mind-blowing experience... so I’ll just send you to @gusucloud blog, where all the gifs and edits are amazing, (Cloud Recesses here and Lotus Pier here) and in this post have my lame-ass screenshots instead.]

The fine details, the workmanship in most of the props in the background, the swords!!! *Incoherent flailing*

[I didn’t manage to get any close-up of the swords... but believe me, they are piece of arts!]

The music

The soundtrack of the show is absolutely amazing and beautiful.

You know how in movies and tv shows couples always seem to have “a song”... like “Oh! Look our song is playing!”... Weeeeeell...

Wangxian do too and it’s literally their song, as in their actors are singing it. You can of course hear it in the ending, but... but! I think the way it was used within the episode was very striking. It’s one of the many ways the producer teams managed to convey the romantic aspect of their relationship. And it was very well done.

Wuji, by Xiao Zhan and Wang Yibo

Wuji, instrumental piano + flute + Zither version

Just imagine, dude just resurrected from his 16 years of deadness and you see him moping at night by playing this beautiful tune with a freaking leaf... just because he saw some cultivators wearing the same uniform as Lan Wangji... So at this point you know that this song might means something but well, you don’t really get it...

The second time you hear this tune, we are on a mountain, and it’s through a bamboo flute that Wei Wuxian used to appease and calm down an agitated corpse [who he apparently knows]... He is luring ‘it’ out to a safe place, so he is playing the song while slowly moving back one step at a time. Then his back suddenly bumps into someone... This person catches his hand. The flute playing abruptly stops and the full instrumental version with piano+flute is suddenly blaring out in the background. And then it’s as if the whole world stops as they gaze at each other, while the music keeps playing. And really, you might fully understand the weight of their gazes, or their history, but you know that it’s there... That’s the moment where you look at them looking at each other, grasping at each other wrist, where you can still hear their song in the background... and can only go “Oh. Oh.” [Then of course a purple ball of pure anger just had to come and interrupt them. Excuse you, they were quickly having a moment there. Kidding aside, It was such a nice scene, it’s hand down one of my favorite scene of the whole show, and the music played a really huge part in my opinion.]

And if it wasn’t enough to hammer it down. The third times will definitively do it. So both of them are fifteen years and meet each other for the first time, when Wei Wuxian goes to study at Lan Wangji’s sect. Of course there first impression of each other is disastrous, what’s with Wei Wuxian insisting to come inside despite having lost his invitation and Lan Wangji clearly stating that no one is allowed without invitation. Of course it doesn’t help that after running back to fetch his lost invitation, Wei Wuxian snuck in after curfew (breaking a protective ward on his way), while smuggling two jar of alcohol. All of the above are forbidden in Cloud Recess, by the way. So our boy just casually broke three rules and then who catch him, right when he is climbing over the wall? Lan Wangji, who’s on patrol, of course. [Like I said, disastrous first impression]...And so after frostily listing all the rules Wei Wuxian broke not even five minutes in , Lan Wangji tries to bring Wei Wuxian to be disciplined. Wei Wuxian, of fucking course, resists. And the two proceed to fight (sword and all).

Cue their song playing as they cross swords on the rooftop of Cloud recesses, under the light of a full moon night.

If that is not a meet-cute I don’t know what it is.

Anyway this song is played many, many more times in the show and I’m not talking about them because I don’t want to spoil anyone.

Also as an aside, they don’t appear in the show... But there are character songs that have been recorded. Some of them sung by the actual actors and other not. And while all of them are really good, if there is absolutely one that you must listen to, it’s “Bu Wang” by Wang Yibo the actor of Lan Wangji. Make sure to watch the official MV only after watching the whole show (because it’s spoilery) and to activate the cc for the lyrics translation. It’s such a beautiful and painful song; and a very insightful reflection of Lan Wangji’s character. I love it.

Lan Sizhui and A-Yuan

No argument or explanation needed, you’ll see when you get there. I dare you not to like those small fluffy cinnamon rolls!

The Junior Quartet

Okay those ducklings deserve a whole sub-section on their own. Not only because they are all amazing kids but because of what they represent.

What is really great here is that since the story takes place over the span of 16/13 years, you get to see three different generations at various stage of their development. In the past you get to see the parents generation at their sum-up while there child, the following generation [Wei Wuxian, Lan Wangji etc] from their teenage years to young adulthood. Then in the present you see the teenagers reaching the age their parents were (more or less, probably slightly younger) and the next generation (the ducklings) about the same age as Wei Wuxian’s generation were at the beginning. And the juxtaposition between the two pictures is just so, so very telling because the differences are glaring.

I’m going to borrow the words from qrbat who wrote this wonderful fanfiction, “tell some storm” on ao3.

The parents generation was a generation of Pride and Greed, it was a generation that lauded standing your ground no matter what and refusing outsider help. They were the generation which raised their children as a “generation of War”. A war that they started and that their children, teenagers, had to fight and end for them. And in comparison the junior generation seems so unexperienced so soft... and that’s a good thing, because it means that those children hadn’t had to experience the hardship of war, hadn’t had to grow up so fast because they basically didn’t have any decent parental figures to help them. Instead of perpetuating the cycle of hate and war started by their elders, the generation of War raised the next generation as a generation of peace, as a “generation of Love” and acceptance.

And it is amazing because the juniors, simply by being who they are, are embodying this message from Wei Wuxian’s generations to their parents “See? This is what it means to parent. I had to sacrifice my childhood and innocence to fight your war and I still managed to raise such amazing and kind children, what was your freaking excuse? I will not be like you. Times are changing and they are changing for the better.”

*Look at length of the post* *snort* Right. Okay, would you believe me, if I told you that in the beginning this post was supposed to be an appreciation post for all three of MXTX’s works and not just MDZS because I was afraid it would be too short? Yup so turned out I had a lot more things to say than I thought. Please feel free to react or just message me about anything MXTX’s fandom related... I am desperately in need of friends to discuss with about MXTX’s stuff!

#mo dao zu shi #mdzs #mdzs appreciation #cql #cql appreciation #the untamed #mxtx #wei wuxian #lan wangji #wangxian #mine

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saintfreda · 4 years

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do you want children? either biological or adopted?

when the question reaches her ears, she becomes silent. so quiet, so still her silence seems to drown out the sound from around her, too. the image is vivid in her memory, although she has never seen it — her back was turned then, when the nurses came with a baby she didn’t feel like it belonged to her. this memory, she’s tried to let it fall to pieces, disintegrate: it’s found a place to get stuck inside her mind, to the walls of her skull, it won’t get poured out with her sadness, her fears, her sorrow. it’s taken the shape of regret and regret can’t be exorcised, not this kind. not for her. when the image comes back to her (when it catches her unaware, sneaks up on it like a predator onto its prey) she’s supposed to remember the chipped paint on the hospital walls, an uncleaned window, curtains dancing lightly at the breeze blowing through a slit in the window frame. she remembers that, and then pictures a scene that her brain has conjured up for her, so she’d never forget this: a child, already smiling and soft, tiny arms longing to be held. her back turned, her face crooked — monstrous, devilish.

“i don’t think i’m made for that”. the words come hardened, her jaw so tight it hurts to speak. it is a strange form of regret that makes her so callous — she doesn’t miss her child, she misses the part of her that died when she decided to hand a living creature into a life of abandonment. she couldn’t bear to look at it — see how much of him it would have, wonder how many years would pass before it became as insidious as its father, pouring itself into another’s life like acid and then corroding, ruining, killing it. not seeing all that, she can imagine now that it had a better life than the one she could’ve given it, that there’s a child with red hair and a wide-eyed gaze in a loving family, surrounded by toys, a stomach always full, happy, happy, happy. she can imagine that, and the guilt sometimes subsides. she’s always had a knack for deluding herself.

but overtime she’s met people and wondered how they would’ve fit against that hole in her heart, the one that had been prepared to host a life that never became hers. she’s met kids and looked after them, protected them the way a mother is supposed to. there was gabe, first, quietly watched over with the excuse of showing him the ropes of a job that’s far too easy to require any training. little by little, never stepping too into his personal space, never questioning why she so desperately cared if a cloud darkened his smile on a good day. and then, by extension, as if it couldn’t be any other way, there’s been archie — archie who knows what it feels like, archie who sometimes she swears looks like her when the memories start shrieking like a funeral choir. sometimes she catches herself making math in her mind, wondering if it’s possible than a time-space anomaly made her unnamed child somehow turn into archie — it makes no sense, but it brings a smile to her lips, at times.

then there’s the future. shifting like the tide, and just like the tide it has the potential to swallow her whole and spit her out a corpse. there is the gentle pull of a safe ship now, something close to a happy ending, a feeling she didn’t think would ever found its way against these storms she’s lost herself in — if this happened, she thinks, maybe she’s been wrong about other things, too. maybe it’s not that she wasn’t made to be a mother: maybe that child belonged to other stories. it doesn’t stop the guilt, doesn’t touch the fear. it’s a thought that still rattles her, would make the very foundations her new life has been built on shake, maybe crumble: but a small piece of it, a tiny, insignificant inch of hope has found its place in her head, right beside that picture she can’t erase.

when she speaks again, her voice is just as sad but lacks the anger — all of this is regret she’s accepted long ago. it’s just been buried so deep in her insides that getting it out is a form of mutilation. it hurts. it still hurts. “i’m fine like this, anyway. i’m too old to think about starting a family now”. she smiles, though her smile is a smoke screen, not believable. it’s the best she can offer.

@rojjaas & @archffairfax

#ANSWERED / no hope for the weary.#anon wdym she wants kids she has TWO #jk anyway this got extra long but like #sorry #child abandonment /#Anonymous

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ty-talks-comics · 5 years

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Best of Marvel: Week of October 9th, 2019

Best of this Week: Powers of X #6 - Jonathan Hickman, Pepe Larraz, R.B. Silva, Marte Gracia, David Curiel and Clayton Cowles

Moira MacTaggert just became far more powerful and dangerous than we could have imagined.

When I wrote the review for House of X #2 all those weeks back, I was under the impression that Moira MacTaggert had an overall purpose for her deaths and reincarnations in regards to making a mutant utopia that works and now I’m not so sure. I’m not saying that that isn’t the main goal, but there’s now a far more nefarious edge that’s been given to her intentions that aligns with my uneasy feeling about Charles throughout this story. I thought this was a story about mutants finally being able to flourish and slowly outnumber humanity.

But it’s about the first steps to utter annihilation.

The vision begins with him entering a secret entrance to a place called The Preserve, very reminiscent of Krakoa, at least in terms of how to enter it and the residents therein. He’s immediately attacked by a beast-like man who is then revealed to be Logan, still alive after a thousand or so years and he stops him. The Librarian makes it a point to tell Logan that he’ll never be fast enough to kill him as he can’t feel everything about to happen and stop it before Logan has a chance to react. They have a short conversation about how English is now a dead language, but the Librarian has learned it to have a conversation, not with Logan, but with Moira X.

The book begins with Moira’s 7th or 10th life (around Powers of X #1), I’m very unsure, and gives us the answer to what she showed Charles that set him on the path that we see him on now. Powers of X has been mainly focusing on a dystopian future where mutantkind has been nearly exterminated and both humanity and various forms of sentinels are flourishing. One of the main characters we’ve observed in this future is The Librarian, an evolved human acting as the receptacle of all knowledge of humanity.

That’s the first definitive answer to how powerful Moira is that we’ve gotten thus far. We know that no matter what, she will die and come back to life and something like this has been speculated, but actually just resetting the timeline, erasing EVERYTHING that came before and starting again with the wealth of a thousand plus years of knowledge is insane to me.

She emerges from the shadows and the Librarian laments that the time of the last Mutants is about to come to an end because of the Phalanx. He also muses that he will separate Moira from the rest to prevent her from dying as that will immediately reset the timeline, stopping the Phalanx and The Librarian from ever coming into existence and he doesn’t want anything to have that power over him if he’s to exit outside of reality.

The Librarian, however, also knows that he likes to observe and see the wonders of the world and asks Moira how she would prevent this future from happening if she could, taunting the pair with their “evolutionary inevitability.” He notes that Mutants have never been able to see their true enemy, always blaming the creation of machines as their ultimate downfall. The book turn everything on its head when it’s revealed that it has never been the machines, but humanity itself.

Mutants adapt traits to their environments, but that doesn’t hold a candle to genetic engineering. Think about heroes like Captain America, The Hulk, Luke Cage, all of them were just regular joe schmoes that gained insane abilities from accidents or experimentation and can rival any one mutant. If you add machines and nanotechnology to that mix, then things become even more insane as they’re constantly able to be upgraded, reprogrammed and will destroy any threat that humanity sees until eventually consuming their masters.

The Librarian turns his back to Logan and Moira and says that maybe since they have no alternative, then maybe it is also his destiny to become as a God...and then Wolverine kills him, quicker than he could have prevented. Armed with this new knowledge, Moira tells Logan to kill her and this scene is beautiful. I believe R.B. Silva draws this part of the book but the gravitas of the scene - Moira gently feeling Logan’s hand to reveal his adamantium claws, their silhouettes juxtaposed against the colors of morning light and the slight smile she gives are perfect. Marte Gracia and/or David Curiel’s colors as he impales her with his claws are immaculate as the lighting implies that life is leaving her body and sort of fits my motif of the bright morning shining on mutantkind.

Maybe there’s a reason Charles was so willing to give away the Krakoa drugs. Speculation gives way to the idea that Moira, in her infinite knowledge, found a way to imbue those drugs with DNA chemicals in them. (That is in no way supported by this story) But I would love the idea that Logan proposed, to stop post-humanism, you have to do it at the humanity part. It aligns with Charles’ overall goal of using The Five and Cerebro to bring back the 16 million mutants killed on Genosha and overpower the number of Humans in the world with far greater numbers.

With all of this, we find out that Moira’s been the one that’s had to break Charles Xavier of the notion of peaceful coexistence with humanity. It’s also revealed that because she’s gotten too close to everything, that she’s had to fake her death to operate in the shadows and let Xavier and Magneto act as figureheads to the movement when in reality, almost everything is according to her plan.

Everytime, in every scenario, humans and mutants clash and inevitably, mutants are defeated. Moira has set a rule that mutants with precognitive abilities are not allowed to come back to life because if they’re allowed to see the future and they destroy the very foundation that Krakoa is built on, then everything will have been for naught. This could also allude to the visions that Blindfold had before she killed herself in Matthew Rosenberg’s Uncanny X-Men.Charles and Erik promised Mystique that they’d bring Destiny back to life and Moira lambasts them for even promising that, but they explain that they’ve been putting her off as long as they can, but eventually they will tell the truth.

But of course, not everything is as good as we’d hope as Moira’s been hiding the biggest secret from everyone else on Krakoa aside from Charles and Erik - Mutants will always lose.

We see the celebration from House of X #6, but it’s been recontextualized. Under all of the celebration, the hope, is the feeling of dread. The feeling of utter hopelessness, knowing that it will all reach its end within a thousand years, all because of the idealism of men.

RB Silva and David Curiel have done a phenomenal job of giving this book life. From the cheery beginning of a lush and hopeful green to the ending of the dark night sky, lit by the explosions of fireworks, the flickers of hope with the true darkness behind it. Silva makes sure to draw Charles with an unearned smirk, the look of a man that’s very sure that his part of the plan will be perfect, at least after his initial spirit has been crushed. Moira has the look of determination, the kind of look only gained from centuries of experience and she maintains it even in the face of death.

House of X and Powers of X have been amazing reads thus far. I love how circular this story is, how referential it is to past history of the X-Men and paints a new ideal of the futility of mutant life as long as humanity is still around to destroy them. It separates the X-Men from the numerous other superheroes by pointing directly at the lengths humanity will go to make sure that they remain the dominant species on Earth.

Hickman has evolved these characters from just a Scottish doctor that used to care for the mutants on her island and hapless man that only wants to be peaceful - to the cold revolutionaries that want mutants to have one day in the sun before it’s ultimately ripped away again.

What does this ultimately mean for the X-Men? For Mutants in general? Hopefully we’ll see in the coming months as seven or eight new series will shine a light on what the rest of them are doing while Charles, Erik and Moira sip tea and wait for the apocalypse.

#marvel comics #marvel #comics #comic review #powers of x #house of x #moira mactaggert #moira x #charles xavier #magneto #jonathan hickman #rb silva #david curiel #pepe larraz #marte gracia

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