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dragonwritersblog · 20 days

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She Was Like A Sunflower

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Yeah, I just finished this so there may be some spelling mistakes. I just didn't want to delay the second chapter any further so I'll fix them when I wake up. Also, WHO PUT DOOMED YURI IN MY FUNNYBUNNY FIC?!?! Also, come support me and Pandora's new au on our shared tumblr called 'The Amazing Digital Redacted AU'. If you love indie horror like Bendy and the Ink machine, Poppy Playtime, FNAF then you'll love this AU. Here's the link Don't forget to check out twitter as well All that said, enjoy chapter 2! (and dont kill me pls)

2. Marjorie

What died didn't stay dead

You're alive, so alive

And if I didn't know better

I'd think you were singing to me now – Marjorie by Taylor Swift

Cloudy skies, not a hint of light coming through. It was going to be that type of day today, and that type of mood by the way Winter observed Riley’s behaviour this morning. The redhead was at the table, drinking coffee and bouncing Percy on her knee. Winter could tell whenever a smile was pretend, and the way her wife smiled right now was no exception.

Could she blame her? Winter was a wreck when Jack went missing and knowing how close Penny and Riley were, it made sense for her wife to behave the way she did. But the thing is, Riley didn’t, or scream, or get angry. The passionate, loud, amazing women she married wasn’t the one holding their son at the table. There was only a shell. And after that visit she had with David, Riley’s shell had only gotten tougher.

If Riley said anything that related to Penny, it would be to trying to find her. She never spoke about how it made her feel, never saw a tear, or the grieved anger that one would expect. Riley was always so loving towards anything about her sister, it unnerved Winter seeing her wife like this.

“Look at him,” Riley cooed at the little baby on her lap. “We have the cutest kid in the world, look at him.”

Percy giggled as his mother held him up under the arms, thrashing his legs about as he peered at his mama over the kitchen island. “He is the cutest baby in the world,” Winter agreed. “Um, I know Captain Rae is okay with you working on this case. But are you sure-”

“We should get him a new mobile,” Riley cut her off, focusing her attention on Percy. “I think the other one isn’t working to well, he never pays attention to it.”

Winter pursed her lips, tapping her fingers on the kitchen counter. She wanted to at least say something about Penny before Riley had to leave to drop Percy off at Laura’s. “Listen, Riley,” she spoke, making her wife turn to her. “You have been nothing but patient when I found out Jack went missing, I know this type of this is so fucking far from easy. Whatever you’re feeling, I’ve felt it too. You…you know that right?”

“I know,” Riley smiled warmly. “You know, you can say if you’re missing Jack again. You don’t have to be light about it to make me feel better, okay Hun?”

“No, no, that’s not what I’m trying to say,” Winter pinched the bridge of her nose. “I’ve heard you in the night, waking up crying. I understand what you’re feeling, you can talk about Penny-”

“-Okay Percy,” Riley turned back to her son. “Are you ready to see Grandma?” She immediately stood up, holding him by her hip as she grabbed her own bag, Percy’s baby bag and car keys from the table.

It was as if a switch was flipped, a wall was put up and the shell was hardening. “Riley, wait!” Winter went round the kitchen island as she chased her wife to the door, “Riley.”

Riley froze as she opened the door, facing the outside, her face hidden. Winter heard her take a sharp intake of breath before facing her with the same faux smile that she had been wearing ever since she came back from David’s “Yeah?”

“I…It’s just,” Winter tried to find the words, to say something that didn’t involve her life leaving without at least finishing a conversation. But she knew that no matter how hard she tried, Riley would find an opening in order not to face it, and it would only make Winter’s efforts even harder. The dark-haired woman sighed, “I’ll see you at work later. I…love you.”

A glimpse of a real smile appeared on Riley’s face, “I love you too carrot cake.” The redhead pressed a kiss to her wife’s cheek, “I’ll see you soon.”

“Yeah,” Winter nodded solemnly, “See you soon.”

With that, Riley turned her focus back on Percy and shut the door behind her. Winter let her soldiers sag, a painful ache forming in her heart. She knew Riley was hurting, she saw it flicker in her eyes every time a dead end came up for Penny’s case, she heard it when Riley awoke crying from nightmares – yet Winter pretended she was asleep in order for Riley to not feel ashamed – and she felt every single anger and grief that she knew Riley was having because she had felt it when Jack went missing.

So why wouldn’t Riley talk to her?!

Winter took a deep breath, trying to cancel out the negative energy. Everyone copes differently with these types of things. Besides, she and Riley were as strong as cement, they could work through this despite how bleak everything seemed.

Riley would come to her eventually…maybe…hopefully.

So why did Winter feel so lonely?

“Okay, let me understand this as best as I can,” Ragatha started. Pomni and Jax had set up some bean bags for everyone while they sat on the bed, just finishing up their rundown of everything that happened in the last day. “You two have your memories back?”

“Yup,” Jax nodded.

“And you two were engaged before you got sucked in here?” Zooble questioned.

“That would be correct,” Pomni agreed.

“And now you guys might know a way to escape this place?” Gangle asked.

“That is a plausibility,” Jax replied.

Ragatha pressed her hands together and held them near her face, taking a long, deep, exhausted breath, “This is a lot to take in.”

Pomni bit her lip nervously, “I know this is the last thing you were all expecting, but you’re all handling this well all things considered.”

“I’m just confused on how you managed to fall in love with Jax of all people,” Zooble muttered, glaring at the rabbit.

Jax rolled his eyes, “Thanks Zooble.”

Pomni frowned, taking his hand into hers and squeezing it tight, “Because he loved me despite everything, saw me at my worst yet stayed because he knew I could thrive into my best. And right now, he helped me find a possible way to get everyone out of here. Do I excuse what he’s done to all of you? No. And I’m still not happy with how he treated me and Ragatha on my first day. So don’t think I’m taking sides, I’m simply observing.”

Zooble sighed, almost feeling guilty…almost. But they trusted Pomni’s word, not Jax’s (they didn’t know if they ever would) but definitely Pomni’s. “Fine” she muttered.

Kinger looked more lost than he usually did. The usual quiet brainstorm he would have in the middle of the room increased like wildfire. “Memories…returning,” he mumbled. “This…I don’t…I haven’t seen anything like it.”

Jax turned to the chess piece. He didn’t like this reaction, not one bit. It brought up too many painful flashbacks of someone similar to Kinger going through the same thing a long time ago, “Kinger, buddy, stay with us.”

It was like going in one ear and out the either for the royal character, still shaking like a leaf, “How…what is…something is…a trip?”

Trip? Jax didn’t want to see how far this would go, how far Kinger would go unless he’d – no, he wasn’t going to finish that thought and he wouldn’t let this continue. “Kinger!” Jax clapped his hands, the sound ringing through the room and snapping the chess piece out of his mumblings.

Kinger blinked. Once, twice, “Oh Jax.” And once again, he was back to himself, “Apologies, I must have been lost in a dream. But it’s so nice to know you and Pomni were together, young love finds a way.”

Despite the chess piece giving them all a scare, that statement alone made the rabbit and jester blush. Would it be rude if he kicked everyone out and smother his fiancé with attention? Yes, yes it would. And while it was tempting, Jax couldn’t afford to indulge. Not when the giant elephant in the room was still being addressed.

“It is really sweet,” Gangle whispered. It sounded like a genuine compliment from the masked woman – and it was don’t get her wrong – but there was something else lacing her tone. Something else that suggested the bodied ribbons couldn’t be as happy as she wanted to be. But she didn’t say, it wasn’t her place. No one could even tell from that slight lilt in her voice that she felt this way.

But Zooble noticed.

“Okay, still a little confused but I think I’m getting there,” Ragatha finally spoke up again. “Listen, Pomni. You know I trust you whole heartedly, but we’ve been here for years and no one has seen an exit until now, are you sure that what you’ve seen is accurate?”

Pomni’s face fell. Despite the door in front of Ragatha, despite everything she told her, why did the ragdoll still doubt her? “But we told you. The exit door is right there,” Pomni pointed to the door on the wall, desperation filling her eyes. “I know it seems impossible but I really think we can get out of here!”

Ragatha gasped, covering her mouth with guilt at what she said, “Sorry, sorry Pomni I phrased that wrong. It’s just…we’ve all tried looking for a way out and it always backfired, even when we think we’ve gotten so close. I don’t want the same thing to happen to you.”

Pomni opened her mouth, about to speak when-

“Ragatha,” Jax spoke. Everyone’s eyes widened, he never said Ragatha’s actual name, and so seriously either. “We saw her mother. She saw us send out a message to her. She knows we’re alive.” He paused, watching the ragdoll process everything with shock written all over her face. “Someone knows we’re here now. I know you’re scared, but this is a real chance of finally leaving.”

Ragatha’s mouth opened and closed, cutting off words before they even arrived at her lips. She thought she knew everything about the circus, had accepted that no matter how much they tried they could never escape. It was a horrible thing to accept, but she had to if she wanted to stay sane and not end up like…she could still feel herself almost crumbling away when Kaufmo’s abstracted form attacked her. No, no! She can’t lose herself now. She should be grateful that Pomni and Jax managed to find a way to be free, so why did it feel so hard to grasp onto that hope? “Okay,” she sighed. “I trust you, Pomni. But what about Caine, do you think you’ll tell him-”

“NO!” Pomni cut her off, fear swimming in her red and blue eyes. Even everyone seemed shocked by her sudden volume. Jax held her close, hugging her trembling form as the jester took a few breaths to calm herself down. “No, I-I don’t think that’s a good idea. He already had a weird way of trying to make things ‘fun’ here, I don’t know how he’ll feel when we say we’ve found a legitimate exit. What if he tries to take that away?”

The rest of the group nodded slowly. Even before Pomni arrived, Caine had always shut down the possibility of an exit being possible. And every time it was shown to him, he would twist it and prove to them that it was just another part of the circus. It was like he feared an exit even existing.

“It’s just your imagination!” he always said, leaving them to doubt if what they saw was actually there. And if you lost yourself in those thoughts, then it was a one-way trip into the cellar. And nobody wanted that.

“Well in that case…” Ragatha trailed off, closing her eyes for a moment. When they opened, they were fierce and determined. “Keep doing what you’re doing. This actually seems like a true way to finally get out of here. But do not let Caine find out. Keep pretending that everything is the same, you two are just friends, you don’t remember your past and that there is no way an exit is even here.”

“Got it,” Pomni and Jax said in unison.

“Which means that you two should stop acting like a couple whenever you’re in public,” Ragatha stated.

“Oh we know,” Pomni smiled innocently.

“Yeah, it’s not as hard as it seems,” Jax replied cooly.

Ragatha raised a coy brow at the two of them, “Pomni, darling, you’re sitting on Jax’s lap.”

Oh, right, the two of them forgot about that. They were both quick to slip back in to how they used to be before the circus, which meant a lot of trusting physical contact that the two were proud to have developed over the years. But then again, Ragatha was right. Something like that would be extremely obvious to Caine that something was up.

Pomni slid of the rabbit’s lap, rubbing the back of her neck awkwardly while Jax coughed nervously behind his fist. “Right, sorry,” Pomni laughed sheepishly, while Jax pouted at the lack of contact.

Ragatha pinched the bridge of her nose again, this is gonna be a disaster.

Riley paced back and forth in her mother’s living room, her phone held to her ear as she chewed on her fingernail. “Oh god I fucked up, I really fucked up,” she mumbled as the dial buzzed in her ear.

“Riley, sweetie, it’s gonna be okay,” Amber put her hands on her daughter’s shoulders, ceasing her pacing. “If this Samual boy is as nice as you say he is I’m sure he’ll listen to you.”

“I was really awful the last time I saw him, Mom,” Riley winced as she remembered his cries, ignoring him as the elevator doors shut behind her. “And the worst part was, I genuinely believed he was telling the truth. You always told me to trust my gut and I did! With him! But then Jason Wood said stuff that sounded plausible, and I feel so fucking stupid because even my head was screaming at me not to believe him. I didn’t know whether to trust the facts because both of them were laid out to me and I-”

“Hey, hey,” Amber’s voice was soft yet firm. “This isn’t like anything you’ve ever worked on before. We are dealing with something that we didn’t even know existed, and its personal since both Jack and Penny are involved in this. In a normal case, maybe someone like Jason is right about this. But this isn’t a normal case, and we have proof that this Jason guy isn’t to be trusted.”

Riley nodded, “I have to let him know how sorry I am. This kid, he’s been through so much, all I did was make his situation worse. If Jason really treated him like that them…oh god…oh god Mom we really need to help him!”

Amber nodded feverishly. When Riley told her what Samual went through, with his parents going missing and how Jason was like to him whenever they were brought up, all the mother saw was nothing but red. The only time Amber looked like she was ready to kill was with David after the car crash all those years ago, and again when he showed up at both of her daughters’ homes unannounced.

Riley was about to speak when-

“Hello?” Samual’s voice answered through the phone.

“Ah, Samual!” Riley gasped, keeping the phone tight to her ear. “Samual you were right about everything! We couldn’t trust Jason!”

“M-miss Riley?!” His tone was small and frightened, almost trading on eggshells at the sound of her. “What are you talking about?”

Riley only wanted that type of fear from the voices of those who wronged her, not from innocent kids trying to help. She wanted to slap herself in the face for making that mistake, “Samual, you know the emails you showed me? Of the mystery person? The same thing happened to my Mom, my sister, I think she’s trying to get into contact with us.”

There was a small pause on the other line, before the boy spoke meekly, “You…you believe me?”

“Yeah, yeah kid I do,” Riley was nothing short of breathless. The last twenty-four hours have been nothing but a blur. But the way she spoke to him, at the height of her anger. Even if this situation wasn’t real, she shouldn’t have spoke to a hurting kid like that. “Samual, I owe you an apology.”

“Oh no, you don’t need to-”

“Samual, please,” she gently cut him off. “The way I spoke to you was nothing short of cold and rude. I was in a bad place and me and my family have gone through so much pain, but that’s no excuse and I should never have taken my anger out on you. I’m so sorry Samual.”

There was a pause, Riley waited with bated breath. Mere seconds felt agonisingly long until Samual finally answered, “I forgive you.”

Riley felt her lungs fill with air, finally letting herself breathe, “Really?”

“Yeah, I get it. Jason has a history of getting people to believe his stories,” Samual said. “I don’t blame you. And now I’m guessing we have more proof that he’s lying?”

“That’s right,” Riley confirmed, “Are you free to come check it out?”

“I’ll be there as quick as I can,” Samual’s excited and curious tone returned. “I can’t wait to get started on our secret FBI work!”

The line cut off before Riley could say another word. She grinned, shaking her head.

He forgave her.

“I’m guessing it went well?” Amber asked, her own smile gracing her lips.

Riley nodded, relief washing over her again and again, “We might actually be getting somewhere.”

Amber faltered a little. For a while, she was starting to lose hope that she would ever truly hear those words. But somehow, mercy was gifted to her and her family. “We’re gonna find her,” she stated firmly to her eldest daughter “We’re gonna get Penny back.”

“We will Mom,” Riley agreed, “We will.”

Yes the option to not go on Caine’s adventure was always available, but it didn’t mean that the ringmaster was too happy whenever someone decided to stay behind. Right now, Zooble was idly walking down one of the hallways on the tent, kicking their foot against the carpet a few times. Ironically enough, Zooble wasn’t the first and only one who volunteered to stay behind for the day. Nope, it was Gangle who asked first.

Normally the ribboned lady wouldn’t mind tagging along on an adventure with everyone else, but today she turned away at the offer trudging back into the circus. Zooble had instantly recognised that it wasn’t Gangle’s usual behaviour and decided to stay back too. He would deal with Caine’s shenanigans once the pair of dentures came back with the rest of the crew.

Zooble paced up and down the hallway, the day was nearly up but she hadn’t actually worked up the courage to see if Gangle was okay. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to, but Gangle was one of the sweetest and sensitive people here. Zooble cherished the fact that someone like her wanted to be friends with someone like him, to the point that they even got a bit nervous when talking with her one on one. But right now, there was something obviously wrong with Gangle and Zooble made the choice to stay behind to make sure that she didn’t feel less alone. Yet here she was, keeping a distance from the masked lady because he was nothing but afraid.

But then they stopped. When he was in the gloink hole, Gangle was the only one to realise he was missing, even being brave enough to try and bring her back. It would be selfish of Zooble to not at least try to comfort the girl and see if she was okay. Swallowing both his fears and pride, Zooble marched themselves down the hall to find Gangle.

He found her sitting on the stage, her silk legs drawn up to her chest as she sighed to herself, her comedy mask was once again broken and she had to rely on her secondary, sombre one instead. Under Zooble’s stoic expression, she was absolutely terrified. They didn’t know why, Gangle was their friend. Why did they feel afraid to start a conversation alone with a friend. Their sweet…kind…pretty friend. Ah! Pull yourself together! Gangle needs you!

Zooble took a deep breath, he could do this. And so, he walked up to the stage, slipping into their usual and calm posture, “Hey Gangle. No adventure today?”

She jumped a bit at the sound of her name, relaxing when they saw who it was, “No, not today. I wasn’t in the mood.”

“Oh,” Zooble nodded awkwardly. They weren’t really good at the emotional fluffy stuff, every time they tried she somehow always reached a dead end. But he didn’t want Gangle feeling this lonely, he had to at least try and help her out, “Any reason why?”

Gangle rubbed her arm, giving Zooble a sad smile, “It’s okay Zooble. If you have somewhere to be then you can go, you don’t need to stay and talk to me if you don’t want to.”

“No I do!” Zooble said a bit too quickly, making Gangle squeak. “Gah, sorry, sorry! I didn’t mean to sound like that. It’s…ugh how does Ragatha do this so easily?” They closed their eyes for a moment, breathing deeply before opening them again. “I’m here because I want to be. And I’m always willing to lend an ear if you need to talk. Gangle, if there’s anything you wanna say or do, I’m here.”

The ribboned woman seemed to be taken aback by that, not fully expecting that level of support from the usual reclusive assortment of parts. But she wasn’t complaining, she liked seeing this side of Zooble. “Well, it’s just…” she started, fiddling with the ends of her ribbons for a moment. “I’m happy that Pomni and Jax have their memories back, really I am. And it really is sweet that they used to be together, but…”

“But?” Zooble asked.

“…Jax has done nothing but torment us, prank us and make our lives miserable,” Gangle spoke. “Every day, he’s done nothing but go out of his way to annoy us just because he likes seeing funny things happen to people. And now he has his memories back and we’re suddenly happy for him?! After all he put us through. As if it erases everything he did to us! With Pomni, I’m glad that she remembers who she was. She was so scared when she got here and Caine has done nothing to help her, so it’s good finally seeing her smile. But with Jax? It might be wrong for me to say but it doesn’t seem fair! We’ve been trying everything to remember who we were, all the while he laughed at us for doing so! Like he hadn’t tried doing so in the first place as well yet he still made fun of us! And now he gets them back just like that! I wanna remember! I tried so hard to! Yet he berated me for trying and he-”

She covered her mouth, ashamed. She said too much. “Oh gosh, that’s horrible what I just said!” her eyes darted round the area. “I need to find my comedy mask, that why I’ll stop talking like this and be happy! Where is it? I swore I had it here somewhere, it’s not broken. Oh god, what if it is?! No, no, no! I need my comedy mask! I need it! I wanna stop feeling like this!”

“Gangle! You’re okay!” Zooble quickly caught Gangle’s flailing hands in theirs, holding them firmly yet gently. “You’re not a horrible person for saying that and I get what you’re trying to say. I know you don’t mean anything bad by it and I understand your frustration. Am I glad that bozo has his memories back, sure. But it doesn’t mean that I forgave and forgot all that he put us through, and you don’t need to either. If someone as weird as Jax can get his memories back, then someone as amazing as you can get yours back too.”

Gangle lips parted for a moment, speechless at the honesty in Zooble’s tone. “Y-you think I’m amazing?” she whispered.

Zooble’s voice got caught in her throat, her entire face flustering up as she removed his hands from Gangle’s. “Well, yeah,” they replied nonchalantly. “You don’t overwhelm me like Caine or annoy me like Jax. Plus I like your acts you put on.”

Gangle practically beamed at that, “You like my acts?”

“Hehe, of course,” Zooble’s eyes gleamed. “You got a real talent for that.”

The masked lady giggled, “You know, for someone who doesn’t think they’re good at soft stuff, I think you did a pretty great job with talking to me.”

“Oh,” Zooble blushed, clearing their throat before mumbling, “Thank you. And your comedy mask, you wanna leave it or…”

“No I can’t leave it,” Gangle quickly told her. “Everything just gets too much in here, I need my mask to make it easier, to make me happier. That way I won’t bring everyone down and I’ll be as happy as I need to be.”

Zooble furrowed his brows at Gangle’s statement, “But you don’t bring-”

“Oh, I think I know where it is!” Gangle grinned. “I’ll be back soon! Thank you Zooble!” She then tore off down the hall, all the way back to the bedroom quarters.

“Wait but…” Zooble reached out an arm to her, but Gangle was already gone. “But you don’t need your mask to be happy.”

They sighed. They had seen Gangle smile without the mask, a real genuine smile that wasn’t forced by some code from the character model forced onto her. If anything, Zooble swore that the mask only made things worse for Gangle, making her rely on it more and more. Zooble wished to see that real smile again.

Their train of thought was interrupted by the sound of a group of voices, tired and groaning. She turned, looks like the adventure was over for today. “Jeez, what happened to you guys?” they asked.

“Football stadium adventure,” Ragatha mumbled, rubbing her lower back. “Turns out when you put four inexperienced players against a group of NPC’s coded with tons of knowledge about it, you tend to face a lot of back pain.”

Zooble hissed through his teeth, “Yikes.”

“But it’s all a part of the adventure!” Caine boomed, making them all jump. “After all! How boring would it be if you didn’t learn at all!”

“You couldn’t at least give us a tutorial?” Jax grumbled. “Was that really too hard for you to do dentures?” He wasn’t really angry for himself. Well, he was. But Pomni had a really hard time on her feet during the whole game, easily being outnumbered and beaten by the NPC’s.

At one point, one of them kicked her in the leg instead of the ball, sending her to the ground. For a moment, Jax had forgotten all about the pretending, tackling the NPC to the ground before checking on his secret fiancé. Thankfully, Caine saw it as Jax thinking they were playing soccer (despite him literally kicking the ball for hours on end) and being a good teammate. Jax had never been more thankful for the AI’s naivety, especially when it gave him a chance to take Pomni to a nursing room and dressing her wound (he wouldn’t forget about how her cheeks turned red when he kissed the side of her bandaged knee).

“Anyhow!” Caine fiddled with his cane before tossing it away, a cartoonish sound effect resonating from where it landed. “I suggest you all rest up! We’ve gotten even more adventures planned for tomorrow and you’ll all need a good feast and rest before that!”

“Oh great, its not as if we heard that line before,” Jax muttered. Pomni crossed her arms over her chest, raising a brow at the rabbit. Jax only grinned, rolling his eyes at the pair of dentures before circling his finger at the temple of his head, clearing stating his opinion of the ringmaster. Pomni scoffed, failing to hide a smile at her fiancé. Jax’s face softened, he’ll never get tired of making her smile.

“I’ll leave everyone to themselves before dinner!” Caine boomed with his usual, yet unsettling, toothy grin. “Take care my superstars!”

Like the same song and dance he had done many times before, the pair of dentures vanished in a puff of smoke. Jax waited a few seconds, making sure that the ringmaster was gone before rushing over to Pomni. “How’s your knee? Does it still hurt?” he asked, brushing his hand over the bandage.

“Yeah Hun I’m okay,” Pomni reassured him, petting behind his ears. “I’m sure it’s just a bruise now with the way things work here.”

His brows furrowed worriedly, “You sure? No more aches?”

“No more aches,” Pomni repeated.

“Good, good,” Jax let his thumb brush over the bandaged skin one more time before standing up. “So, you ready to get back to business.”

Pomni took in a sharp breath, both excitement yet a hint of nerves washing through her, “Yeah, let’s go see my Mom.”

Jax nodded, the two of them going down the hall again, unable to feel the gaze of everyone else’s eyes on them.

“Still having doubts Rags?” Zooble turned to the ragdoll.

“A little bit,” Ragatha nodded, a bit of shame shown on her face. “It’s not that I don’t trust them. I guess I’m just…scared. We never had anything like this. It could go either really well or…” She didn’t want to finish that sentence. She didn’t want to finish that thought! Never before had they tittered on a tight rope so close to collapsing. If this went wrong, then all of them could suffer a fate worse than abstraction. No, no she wasn’t going to think about that. It she was brought down, then so would everyone else. And she wasn’t going to allow herself to act so selfishly, “Never mind, how about I go see if Bubble would like help making dessert?”

Zooble frowned at Ragatha’s shift in mood, “Don’t do that.”

“Do what?” Ragatha questioned innocently.

“You always do that, act like you’re not sad when you are,” Zooble told her. “You’re allowed to not have good days, you know that right?”

“Oh Zooble, you worry too much,” Ragatha patted his arm. “I’m absolutely fine, no bad thoughts in my head whatsoever. Now, I think a pie would do well for dessert for tonight, don’t you think?”

With that, the ragdoll turned on her heel and headed to the kitchen. That was two people in a row that pretended to be happy to Zooble. He hated when that happened, when they forced down any type of negativity in the fear of being abstracted. It wasn’t fair that this threat kept hovering over everyone’s head, and Zooble hated it that Caine didn’t do anything to sooth their worries, instead leaving them to wallow with shallow adventures that they all hated. It was another reason why Zooble felt bitter with Jax, he kept pushing them on the brink every single time while knowing how much they all feared the fate of the cellar, yet he never stopped. Zooble felt frustrated tears at the corners of her eyes, allowing them to fall. The others might be too scared to cry, but they didn’t want to (part of them was glad that Pomni felt the same way as well).

He felt a hand cover her shoulder, rubbing it carefully like a parent would do with their child. Zooble turned his hand, it was Kinger. His eyes didn’t meet theirs, still lost in his own worlds of chaos and insects. Yet his hands moved on their own, as though another part of his mind wanted to reach out and sooth them. Zooble sniffed, if they could smile then he would be smiling at Kinger right there and now. As crazy as it sounded in her head, Kinger somehow seemed to be the sanest of them all.

Knock, knock

Riley rushed to the door, opening it wide as it revealed the startled face of one Samual Abel. “Samual,” she gasped. “Thank you so much for coming! I’m so, so sorry!”

“Miss Riley, it’s okay,” he smiled softly. “I already told you I forgive you.”

“I know, I know,” Riley brushed back some of her red hair. “But you didn’t need to. You could have just accepted my apology and moved on, but you forgave me. Why? The way I spoke to you was awful.”

Samual shrugged, “When I was a kid, my Dad always taught me that forgiveness is a heavy thing. Many people will feign an apology just so they can unburden themselves with forgiveness without actually being sorry. I don’t forgive a lot of people, I don’t think I can forgive some of the people at C&A for lying to me and letting Jason control me, I know that if they said sorry it wouldn’t erase all that happened over the years. But you, you didn’t know. You were tricked and I know that you meant how sorry you were. That’s the difference that my Dad taught me about, I’ll know the right people to forgive and not to bring myself down with the people I don’t choose to give that right to.”

This kid was just too kind, speaking with a wisdom many people who lived longer on this earth lacked, “Your father sounds like a good man.” Not many people have that luck.

“Both he and my mother were great people,” Samual’s eyes were warm, lost in a memory of love and comfort from so many years ago. He blinked them away, his face simple yet determined. “Anyways, you got something to show me?”

Riley nodded, slipping back into business, “Yeah, let me introduce you to my Mom. She’s the one who got the messages.”

She led Samual into the house, shutting the door behind him. Amber came into the room, her hands clasped together and a cardigan wrapped around her shoulders. “Oh, hello,” she blinked in surprise at the sight of the boy. She turned to Riley, “Is this Samual?”

“Yeah, this is him,” Riley confirmed.

“Hi, it’s so nice to meet you,” Amber walked over, wrapping her arms around him, his eyes widening in surprise. “Riley told me what happened, I’m so sorry all this happened to you.”

He stood frozen for a moment, as though he wasn’t used to someone wanting to hug him back. But his arms wrapped tight around Amber like Riley expected, burying his face into her shoulder. He was shaking a bit, she couldn’t hear any sobs but Riley was certain that the kid hadn’t received this level in security in a while. Hopefully with how things were going so far, that would change soon enough. Soon, Samual pulled away, trying to still his shaking hands. “Right, so,” he took a step back, his hands shoved into his pockets. “Ready to get to work?”

Amber nodded, grinning, “This way.” She guided him to the sofa, letting him sit down as the computer switched on next to him. “It was so bizarre. I’m not sure what your experience was like, all I know from Riley was that you only received messages.”

Samual lifted a brow, “I guess yours had more to it.”

“Yes,” Amber confirmed. “Before I got the messages, all my lights were flickering, like something or…someone was controlling it. That’s when I got these.” Once the computer was up and functioning, Amber clicked onto the documents that held the words from her daughter.

Samual shifted closer, “Yeah, this is certainly…different. I only got emails, but it looks like someone wrote this if it’s on a document.”

“That’s the thing,” Amber turned to him. “I don’t know how but Penny was in this room. I couldn’t see or feel how but she was there, controlling the lights and writing to me.”

Samual’s eyes widened, no disbelief was seen but rather surprise at this new revelation, “Your daughter is trying to communicate with you. She even managed to be here with you somehow.”

“Yes, yes!” Amber exclaimed, grinning. “She was right here in this room.”

“But you said not physically?” Riley asked, her tone curious rather than accusatory. “She managed to speak to you but her body wasn’t here?”

“Unfortunately,” Amber’s face fell slightly.

“So wherever she is, she’s still trapped,” Riley sighed.

Samual got up, facing the two women, “But it doesn’t seem impossible to find her. If she managed to get here the first time than its possible that she could come back.”

Riley bit her lip, “But how would we know?”

“Riley’s right,” Amber agreed. “I might have spoken to her then but I don’t know how to get in contact with her again-”

The lamp flickered, the trio’s attention focused in on it. “I’m guessing that wasn’t my eyes playing tricks on me?” Riley observed, her toes curling at the thought of who she hoped it was.

“Nope,” Amber’s grin returned, whipping back round to the computer. “Penny, is that you baby?”

Hey Mom

I’m back

Riley’s hands covered her mouth, her knees dropping to the ground, “Penny? Is that really you?”

Unbeknownst to Riley, Pomni had done the same thing. Matching her sister as she tried to stifle a sob, “Hey Jax, do you mind?”

The rabbit chuckled behind her, watching the exchange go down. There were no memory-like pathways this time, just a simple walk through the door and they arrived right back in the living room, “Yeah babe, I got it.”

She’s here, she just got a little overwhelmed seeing you all again

Hi Mrs Reed

It’s good to see you again

Amber brows furrowed in confusion for a moment before realisation struck. There was only one other person that she knew who disappeared the way her youngest daughter did, “Jack?”

Yup, that’s me

Hope you’re not too disappointed

The older woman let out a breathless laugh, about to reply with how happy she was to see him…until she was interrupted by another voice, “YOU SON OF A BITCH!”

Jax’s ears pressed flat against his head as Riley stood from the ground, fury written all over her face. Pomni, Amber and Samual had to take a few steps away from the raging woman.

“YOU TELL MY SISTER THAT YOU DON’T WANT TO MARRY HER AND TRY TO MOVE AWAY ON THE DAY OF YOUR WEDDING! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!” Riley screamed loudly. “YOU’RE SO LUCKY I CAN’T SEE YOU OTHERWISE I WOULD RIP OFF BOTH YOUR ARMS AND LEGS AND FEED THEM TO WOLVES WHILE WATCHING YOU BLEED OUT!”

Jax gulped, he should have known this was coming. After all he heard from Winter how Riley slammed someone’s head against a table just because they looked at Penny funny, if he wasn’t in the circus he would be on a missing poster by now. He took a deep breath, typing away on the keyboard.

You’re allowed to be angry

Furious

What I did was unforgivable and I understand if you won’t forgive me

But please understand then when I say sorry, I mean it

I’m so sorry Riley

For hurting your sister the way I did

For everything

Riley crossed her arms as she scowled, letting herself think long and hard about it, emphasise on long (she wanted to make him suffer at least a little bit). Jack was an asshole for what he did, but she knew what he went through as a kid and how hard he tried to make things right both for himself and for everyone else. She looked to Samual, the boy giving her a smile and a thumbs up before she turned back with a sigh, “Thank you for your apology.”

Jax’s stomach did a flip. There was a thank you, but no forgiveness. It was expected, a bit disappointing, but also a good start.

You’re welcome

Riley’s face turned soft again, shifting her feet on the rug below her, “Penny, are you…can you speak to me?”

Pomni clenched her hands, grinning and trembling with excitement as she rushed over to the computer.

Hey Riles

Please don’t kill Jack when we get back

Riley sniffed, wiping a stray tear from her cheek, “I’ll try not to, but I’ll do it for you Pen. Oh my god I missed you so much.”

Pomni bit back her sob, if she missed her mother so much already, then the weight of missing Riley hit like a bag of bricks.

I missed you too

You’re making me cry Riles

“I can’t help it,” Riley laughed. “You’ve been gone for three months.”

I know

You have no idea how much I wanna hug you all – Penny (did that so you can tell who you’re talking to)

Jax hummed, amused by her quick choice, “Smart.”

She gave the rabbit a quick grin before she turned her gaze to the boy in the living room, tilting her head curiously.

Who’s that guy?

Jax followed her gaze, letting out a small gasp of realisation at who it was, “Samual Abel?!”

“Wait, you mean-?” she realised now who he was talking about.

“Penny, Jack,” Riley walked over to the boy. “This is Samual Abel, son of Kaleb and Quinn Abel. He’s gonna be helping us get you home.”

“Uh, yeah,” Samual replied nervously. “Hi again Mister Jack, nice to meet you Miss Penny. Um, I’m really sorry I couldn’t do more for you when Jason came up to you that day Jack.”

Jax frowned as his fingers reach for the keyboard again.

It was nobody’s fault but my own kid

I was the one who took up Jason’s offer

Don’t beat yourself up about it – Jack

“Copycat,” Pomni stuck her tongue out at him.

Jax chuckled, “Couldn’t help it little lady,”

“But I should have done something!” Samual stood so fast it nearly gave him whiplash. “Jason always does this! He knows it’s dangerous when people touch that stupid game! The moment he said where he was sending you I knew what job he was talking about! I could have stopped all this!”

Riley faced the boy, confused, “Game? What game?”

“That fucking game!” he cursed. “It’s been the root of all of our problems yet he never got rid of it! It started small with people disappearing in the company with headsets left behind, but then it started spreading somehow to the public! And now we lost the file! It keeps jumping from place to place and we can never catch it! All because Jason was too stubborn to get rid of it!”

“Sam, Sam, hey,” Riley clicked her fingers in front of his face, his attention solely focused on her. “What game are you talking about.”

Samual’s buried his face into his hands, a stressed groan leaving his mouth, “It was supposed to be a VR remake of the first game my dad made, but Jason kept making too many shaky choices with it. Then my parents disappeared. I hate that game… ‘The Amazing Digital Circus’.”

Pomni gasped, “That was the game I saw when I tried to find you!” She turned to Jax, “We’re stuck inside the game!”

“I-I remember!” Jax clenched his hands. “When I disappeared! That was the file I saw!”

It fell on deaf ears. “The reason why Jason wanted to send Jack away was because that was where the last person went missing, the last time we saw the file,” Samual told them. “He wanted to send Jack there as a way to retrieve the file and get back to working on the game again, even if he knew it wasn’t safe. Unfortunately the file routed its way back to this city and took Jack with him.”

“And then it took Penny,” Amber whispered.

“Okay,” Riley gathered herself, her mind settling back into business. “Jason sent Jack away and lied to everyone for all these years. That wasn’t your fault Samual.”

“But I-” he tried to speak.

“You told me that whenever you tried to speak up to talk to someone then Jason would get in the way and scare you into stopping,” she stated firmly. “Don’t blame yourself because a grown man was enough of a coward to bully a child.”

He looked like he was about to retort, but a stern glare from Riley was all that he needed to heed what she said, “Ok Miss Riley.”

“Next,” she moved on. “What should be our second course of action.”

Pomni quickly moved back to the computer.

No one else in the circus has their memories

Is there a way we can try and help them get them back? – Penny

“Oh, oh wait!” Samual piped up, an idea bright in his mind. “I overheard Jason talking about this. He has USB files of each person that went missing, including their past leading up to this point.”

“You overhear a lot of stuff kid,” Riley crossed her arms. “I didn’t mean that as a criticism, just observing.”

“Hehe, well, when you’ve been isolated from everyone and everything all your life you tend to get a bit bored,” Samual replied with a wry smile. “Case in point, eavesdropping on the guy you’re suspicious off in order to gather information.”

“So if we get the USB files and hook them into this computer,” Amber started to catch on.

“It could help get their memories back,” Samual finished. “I’ll get to see if my parents are there!”

“This is amazing!” Amber cheered. “Well, not fully amazing because their all still stuck but we’re getting somewhere. Oh wait till Winter hears about Jack being alive!”

A wide grin appeared on Jax’s face. Winter, his sister, he could finally see her again! Reassure her that he was alive-

“-Wait! No, no!” Riley quickly interjected, making everyone become quickly confused at her sudden outburst. “We can’t tell Winter, not yet at least.”

Amber blinked in surprise, “Honey, she’s your wife. She’s been missing Jack for so long, she needs to know the truth.”

Pomni watched as Jax’s ear twitch, a slight scowl was on his face. He didn’t like this one bit.

“I know that,” Riley said. “But you weren’t there when Jack was gone. She went nearly catatonic, unable to move, speak or eat. The devastation of losing him for so long nearly broke her. We nearly lost Percy in birth because of the impact. I…I can’t risk that happening again.”

A slow, angered breath released through Jax’s nose as he started to type again.

This is a mistake Riley

Winter deserves to know

You can’t keep this from her – Jack

Riley shook her head, “I’m doing this to protect her. It’s for her own good Jack.”

He wasn’t convinced, turning away from her. Riley shouldn’t have to make that choice for Winter, it wasn’t fair! She needed to know, not be kept in the dark!

Pomni patted his hand softly as she went to the keyboard.

But he’s right Riley – Penny

“I’ll tell her eventually,” Riley reassured everyone. “J-just not now, until I know for sure that everything will be fine.”

Pomni sighed. Riley was as stubborn as they came, there was no changing her mind with this.

Both rabbit and jester jumped when they heard the dinner bell ringing from outside the exit door. It was time to go.

We have to leave

You better know what you’re doing Riley – Penny

“What? But you just came back!” Riley cried.

Amber put a hand on her daughter’s shoulder, “Don’t worry. If this interaction has proved anything, they’ll be back.”

Riley was unconvinced, but if there was anyone she trusted more than anything, it was her mother. “Ok,” she nodded, “Just…please be safe Penny.”

I will

And like that, both rabbit and jester rushed out the door. They were able to make it on dinner on time, and Caine was none the wiser about what happened. But despite the feast laid out in front of him, everything that Riley said left a bitter taste in Jax’s mouth. After Penny, Winter was the one he was closest to out of anyone in his life. He might not have been the greatest person, but Winter was the furthest thing from bad. She was the reason that he started to believe that good things could happen in his life, and now Riley was refusing to tell her that he was here and alive.

It felt so wrong.

Pomni’s hand was on his leg, still yet reassuring. It was a silent confirmation that she was on his side about this. He laid his hand atop hers, making sure it was out of Caine’s sight. He squeezed it, hopefully things would be okay…they had to be.

“Riley…”

Black, everything was black.

“Riley…”

It was like she was stuck in inky tar, unable to move her feet, stuck in the black substance.

“Riley.”

She looked up, the redhead gasped as she saw one very familiar, visible figure.

“Penny?” Riley’s voice sounded louder in her ears.

The brunette was wearing the same outfit Riley had last seen her in, a plain white T-shirt and grey leggings. Though it looked dirtier than she last remembered, and why were her eyes shut?

“Why did you leave me?” Penny’s voice echoed.

Riley was startled by the sudden statement, “What?”

“You’re my big sister,” Penny mumbled. “You’re supposed to protect me…yet you didn’t.”

“No, Penny I didn’t mean for you to get trapped!” Riley yelled out for her. “I’m doing everything I can to bring you home!”

“You said you would always be there for me,” Penny whispered back. “You said that no matter what happens I would be safe if you were there…but you weren’t…you didn’t save me…you’re a liar.”

“I’m so sorry Penny,” Riley sobbed, hands on her leg as she tried to pull them out, but to no avail. “I’m really sorry!”

“Liar,” Penny repeated.

“Liar!”

“LIAR!”

“L̷̩͚̯̲̖͖̙͔̹̬̮͉̲̝̑̊̀́ͅỈ̸̢̹̝̝͓͔̟̠̌́́̆͝Á̵̬͎͛̐̑̔̃̈́̓R̶̳̪̩̹̳̬̻̜̫͇̓̏̀͐͒͂̚͠͝͝”

Riley gasped, trying to run but she was frozen solid in the ink. Suddenly, the darkness was replaced by thousands of multicoloured eyes staring at her as Penny drew closer.

The brunette grabbed Riley by the collar of her shirt. It was nothing but silence.

Then her eyes opened.

Riley screamed when she saw that they were as hollow and black as the ink.

Penny opened her mouth again, the same ink leaking out from her lips as she screeched one more time.

Ļ̷̨̛͚̙̭̖̩̥̝͇̮̻̼͍͎̗͉͍̦͖̹͎͔͈̞̰̟̯̩̝̠̻̫͕̱̝̎͊̽̈́̇̀͊̄̑͋̅͊̔̄͒̃̀͌̈́̏̈͆͐̋̓͐̾͛̊̈́̈́́̏̋̀̄̏̈̚̚͘͘̕̕͠ͅÌ̶̧̧̧̛̛̪͔̝͚̫͎̝̬͈̺̫̭̱̞̹͖̞̹̳̻͖̫͉̋̓͋̈́̓͂͗͐̈́̐̈͐̒͗͆̏͛̈̏͌͗͑̈́̐͐̔̂̊͊́͆͆̒̓̾̀̀̾͘̚̕̕̚͜͝ͅͅA̷̢̧̛̛̻̳̞̬̟͇̟̟͉͔̻̻͙̩̣͈̖̘͙̪̱͎̰͙̝͚̣͈̓͒̎͛̆̓̋͌̅̈́͂̏̎̈́̅̍̈̈́̆̕͜͝͠͝ͅR̴̡͈̞͔̮̻̩͋͂͑̚ͅ

Riley awoke with a scream tearing from her throat, her hands fisting the bed sheets beneath her. She failed her, she failed Penny, she couldn’t save her, she was nothing but a failure-

“Riley, Riley!” Winter reached out, taking her wife’s hands in hers. “It’s okay, see, everything is ok.”

Riley was still trembling, tears streaming down her cheeks.

“Breathe with me babe,” Winter told her, taking deep breaths in and out again. Riley gulped down a sob, repeating her wife’s pattern. Eventually, she breath was even again and she was calm enough to see her surroundings. There was no ink, no eyes. She was in her bedroom with Winter as the other woman turned the lamp on beside the bed. “It’s okay, it was just a nightmare.”

She was about to bring Riley back into her arms, before the redhead pulled away and stood up, “Sorry I didn’t mean to wake you. I’ll go sleep in the guest room, to let you rest before work.”

“No, wait, Riley!” Winter shouted as her partner gathered up her pillow and a spare blanket. “I just wanna talk, you don’t have to do this.”

“I want to get some sleep before work, alright? Conversation over,” Riley stated, gathering what she needed in her arms before marching to the door.

“Riley enough!” Winter yelled, making Riley freeze in her tracks still facing the door. “We can’t keep doing this.”

“Doing what?” she retorted bitterly.

“You avoiding me,” Winter told her. “Especially when you’re hurting. You can’t keep pretending that I don’t exist just because you’re too scared to talk about Penny.”

Riley bit her tongue, nearly drawing blood, “I’m not scared Winter. Stop it.”

“Where were you last night?” Winter questioned, unrelenting. “Yesterday you wouldn’t answer your phone after I tried calling you for hours. Where were you?”

Riley couldn’t say, she couldn’t. If Winter was told about Jack, she feared about what could happen. She still remembered Winter’s pale face, nearly slipping in and out of consciousness during Percy’s C-section. She nearly lost both her wife and her son that day. She couldn’t tell her, it’s for her own good.

“My mom’s house, my phone was on silent,” she said, her voice void of emotion. “I’m tired.”

She slammed the door behind her, leaving Winter all alone. The black-haired woman brought her knees to her chest, too exhausted to cry. Too tired to keep having these moments with Riley. She would give anything just to have her wife back.

“Well good morning little lady,” Jax bowed as he walked out of his room the next morning. “And how was your sleep last night?”

“Aren’t we supposed to be subtle?” Pomni placed her hands on her hips. “Cause as far as I can’t tell, I don’t think this is what it’s supposed to be.”

“But it made you smile, right?” he smirked.

Pomni blushed, he was right, she was smiling, “Shut up.”

He chuckled, nudging his head to the direction down the hallway, “Hungry?”

“Yeah, I could eat,” Pomni nodded. She was about to walk beside him when she noticed something in the corner of a door from one of the past circus members. She cocked her head to the side as she inspected it further.

Jax paused in his tracks when he noticed that his fiancé wasn’t next to him, “Pen?” He saw her staring at the door of an old string-worm character, coming up behind her carefully so he wouldn’t spook her. “What is it?”

“Do you see that?” she inquired.

“See what?” he asked.

She pointed to the corner, “That.”

Jax’s eyes squinted as he followed her fingers, they widened when they finally noticed what Pomni was talking about. The corner was glitching, similar to how Ragatha was when Kaufmo attacked her on the jester’s first day. “How is this possible?” Pomni observed.

“I…I don’t know,” Jax replied honestly. “I don’t think we’ve seen anything like this.”

Suddenly, the glitch sparked wildly and loudly, making them jump back in surprise. It started to spread across the door, erasing the face of the string worm with its flashing colours. Jax held Pomni protectively, guiding her away from the door as they stepped away slowly. They watched as little by little, it swallowed up the door, before disappearing entirely.

Both of them panted in surprise, this wasn’t good. It wasn’t good at all. “I think we need to hurry with our escape plan,” Pomni told the rabbit holding her.

“Agreed,” Jax nodded. “We’re on a timer Pomni.”

“The question is how long do we have?” her voice shook slightly, gripping onto him.

“Long enough for us to get out of here,” he told her, reassurance in his voice. “That much I know.”

“O-okay,” Pomni hated that she was stuttering, but the sudden fright of what happened didn’t seem to be letting go of her anytime soon.

“Come on, let’s get downstairs before Caine tries to find us,” Jax stood, holding out his hand and helping up the jester.

While the two walked down the hallway, they couldn’t ignore the sinking feeling of what just happened. Did they really not have enough time? Was it just another strange part of this world?

Those questions rung through their mind as they walked down the hall, unaware of a second little glitch behind them in another little corner of the hall.

#the amazing digital circus #jax #pomni #pomnijax #funnybunny #ragatha #gangle #kinger #zooble #caine #bubble #my writing #dragon rambles #fanfiction #fanfic #ao3 #jax x pomni #pomni x jax #jaxni

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forensicated · 6 months

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TRIGGER WARNING: Discussion of cancer and bereavements

Smiffina Episodes - Episode 308

Sun Hill officially reopens but sadly, due to the loss of his family the day before, Adam can't be present so it's left to Jack and Gina to deal with the re-opening after the fire.

Jack and the Collision Team at Traffic have made Gina Adam's FLO without asking her due to their past relationship and current friendship. Gina tells him she has to be somewhere later on and Jack guilts her by asking if it's more important than being there for Adam. Gina tries again to get out of it but Jack won't hear of it.

Gina is outside Adam's house trying to get hold of him and - at the same time - try to put back her scheduled combined cancer treatement. She can only delay it until 12.30pm. Adam doesn't answer his phone, nor does he answer the door. Jack rings Gina and tells her that Denise was on a mobile call just moments before the collision. The accident could have been her fault and he wants her to gently warn Adam. Gina tracks Adam down to the scene of the accident where he's wandering in a daze trying to lay some flowers in memory of his family. He's horrified to hear Gina's update and refuses to believe that it could be Denise's fault after a potential red light run.

Gina reassures him that she doesn't think Denise would do that but 'we all make mistakes' and everything has to be looked into and investigated. It's nothing personal. He's adamant that Denise didn't cause the crash and refuses to return home - he's going to the station with Gina to find out what is happening.

The other driver arrives to talk to Jack and the PC from the Traffic division. They have to tell her that the other victims have passed and that the husband is receiving support. Adam enters into the new look Sun Hill front office and is startled. He leans against the wall to the front interview room where the other driver is without realising. She is sobbing to Jack that she doesn't remember what happened. "Does this mean it's my fault? Did I kill those people?"

Jack is surprised to enter his office to find Adam waiting for him with Gina. Jack reveals there's been no other witnesses come forward, but the other driver is being interviewed. Jack tells him that they've spoken to the mother of the Taylor Family - who Denise's last call had been to. He confirms that Helen, the mother, only spoke to Malcolm, not Denise, because Malcolm had left his school bag at their house. The call ended literally a few seconds before the crash happened so Helen did not hear anything from the scene. Gina leads Adam downstairs as he insists on speaking to PC Minton from Traffic, only to be confronted by the other driver in the background. He doesn't understand how she can barely have a mark on her when he has lost everything. PC Minton tells him that Tamsin can't remember what has happened yet - giving her full name so that Adam can conviniently find her later (!).

Gina talks him into going home and asks him if he wants her to come in with him. "Don't you have better things to do?" he asks. Gina, clearly mindful of her chemo but also being Adam's friend just reassures him. "No, I don't." Adam lets them in for clearly the first time since the accident has happened, the wind knocked out of him as he sees the house left as it was with his children and wifes things all over - including the childrens toys dropped where they'd left them and Denise's mug on the table. Gina gently hugs him and tells him he has to let himself grieve for them, he can't keep fighting it off. Adam says he had the impression Gina needed to be somewhere as she makes him a cup of tea but she reassures him it can wait. She reassures him that Denise loved him very much, despite his concerns he was away from the house and family too much due to work. She tells him also that Denise was very calm and in control at the scene. Adam is angry that he never got to tell her about the kids, phrasing it as though he felt like he was lying to her despite them always being honest -he works himself up and then asks Gina to leave.

As Adam's on his own, someone calls the house and Denise's voice cuts in on the answerphone. Adam keeps replaying it over and over again so he can hear her, breaking down into tears. His anger grows and he returns to the station, noting Tamsin Parker - the other drivers - address - going over to her house. Tamsin tries to tell him that she doesn't remember anything - before Adam reveals himself as the husband of the other family who died - barging into her house.

#Episde 308 #Gina Gold #Roberta Taylor #Smiffina #Smiffinalong #Adam Okaro #Cyril Nri #Janet Dibley #Tamsin Parker #Jack Meadows #Simon Rouse #the bill

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whatdoesshedotothem · 2 years

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Monday 15 August 1836

6 50

12 5

no kiss very fine morning and F64° at 7 ¾ am (vid. line 22 below) -

from 6 to 6 50 pm wrote 3pp. to Lady Stuart to say ‘I am astonished to send you this very worthless letter - but do pray excuse me - I sent you 2 brace of moorgame by this morning’s mail, and directed them to Whitehall - they were quite fresh this morning, will be in London very early tomorrow and ought to be at the Lodge in time for your dinner - I wish I could think of anything you would like - you do not know the pleasure it would give me - it quite grieves me when you fancy you can be a trouble to all, or to any of your friends - I am sure everybody is delighted to do anything in the world for you - I only wish I was nearer to you - I hope you enjoy yourself in your pretty garden, and that you will gain a little strength by and by - I think you very often, and am always, my dearest Lady Stuart, very affectionately yours A. Lister’ - the 2 preceding pp. thanks for her note last night - the weather with us now ‘so hot, and close and relaxing, almost everybody is suffering more or less - I have had several of my workmen laid up - my aunt however is perhaps better rather than worse - when I shall be able to get off from here I cannot yet tell - my domestic troubles are not at an end, tho’ I hope they are progressing rapidly towards it - Lady Stuart de R- thinks, I had better not take a housekeeper by proxy - the thought is a wise one - I look forward with great pleasure to seeing you - I fear however it will be so long delayed, that you will have left the Lodge for the winter - you shall have the earliest notice of my movements, that I can give you - In fact, you are always the first to hear all about my plans - suppose dear Vere has not yet got the event over - mention having heard from her on Thursday but do not mention what about - had just written so far and put my letter into the bag at 7 ¼ to ‘the Honourable Lady Stuart, Richmond Park, Surrey’ out at 8 this morning - 1 of Mr. Hoylands’ painters here all the day painting the parlour for my aunt - the painters have always drinkings and dinner in the house - said (told the man myself) old Jerry the painter might always go on in the same way, but no other painter - no workmen even to have beer - with Robert Mann + Wood and Matthew and Sam and Jack till breakfast at 9 - Robert at the traverses up the high embankment near (not far from) the rocks - and the other 4 laying the run to finish the embankment against the low fish-pond - A- said her vocabulary this morning but did not read French - so out at 9 40 - 2 of Mr. George Robinson’s men came to say his dam had burst, and to beg me to let him have my men - Wood, Matthew and Sam, went to him at 9 ¾ - Robert had a justice business and had taken Jack with him - both to be here in the afternoon - went I suppose to GR-‘s dam for they were not here - about with Booth and his 2 masons till off with A- at 11 ½ and we walked to Hilltop and had Booth there - I would not like the plan of building a new house against the end of widow Drake’s house - but told B- to calculate for new house in the place of the 3 old cottages and new barn - and the worth of old materials - he said £50 old materials + £250 - it happened to be exactly my own calculation - ½ hour at Cliff hill till 1 ¾ - returned by A-s’ water-seeking pit in the tanhouse land to get water for the Travellers’ Inn and cottages - water found - returned by Lower brea and the walk - sat a minute or 2 in the hut - home and put A- (tired) to bed and I out again at 2 50 - with Booth - at the Lodge - the plasterers there - with the painter set Robert Schofield and Joseph Sharpe to take out some more stuff for the west tower buttress, and came in at 5 - heated and sleepy - crept into the north chamber, locked the door, and threw myself on the bed, and slept or dozed an hour - then vid. line 2 of the last p. wrote to Lady S- dinner at 7 - coffee - A- read her French as usual - a brace of moorgame for dinner today and ate a plate gooseberries at dessert as I have done these last 4 or 5 days - sent 2 brace by the new mail to ‘the Honourable Lady Stuart Whitehall London 15 August per mail carriage paid’ and sent at the same time 2 brace to ‘William Duffin Esquire, Micklegate, York 15 August per mail carriage paid’ and at the bottom of the direction card ‘see the other side’ and wrote on the other side - 4 brace of moorgame - ‘if the Miss Norcliffes are at home 2 brace for them - if not, the 4 brace for Mr. and Mrs. Duffin’ - letter tonight 3pp. and ends from M- Lawton - Grantham says a sovereign would only pay about ½ Rawlinson’s expense here - that he would lose time ( 2 ½ days) and money if he did not get the place - he is at present a market gardener - wants an immediate answer in order to settle about his winter crops - M- has no personal knowledge of him or his wife - but the gardener at Rhode Hall gives him a good character - so does the man’s uncle the head gardener at Crowe M- thinks the Scotchman may be more experienced and being unmarried would be more easily got rid of if he did not suit us - M-‘s journey to Wiesbaden given up - her sister Ann has been again dangerously ill - inflammation on the chest - Mrs. Belcombe harassed- M- has promised to go and see her before Xmas - ‘I sometimes think I shall muster courage enough to make you a morning call. I should like to see the old place once more, from your account you must be making great alterations, all which I am sure will be great improvements - well! after all, my Fred, you have much to thank me for - I hope we shall not cease to love each other in this world, I will try to deserve to meet you in the next when we last parted you promised if I was in danger you would come to me, does the feeling which prompted the assurance, still live?’ - with my aunt from 9 ¾ to 10 ¼ - then at my desk and wrote the last 13 ½ lines of the last p. and so far of this - very fine day - hot - F56° now at 10 50 pm

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emcads · 2 years

Note

How do you think Esmeralda felt hearing about Jack’s death in DMC? (Not me changing the mood from happy family to angst! Deep apologies!)

oh anon i am always so ready to go angsty >:)

i’m actually going to respond a bit angstier than you probably expected, since I headcanon that Esmeralda is already dead by DMC ( for various reasons, mostly because Jack is already a Pirate Lord at that time ) however ! for the sake of discussion i’ll answer this from the perspective of my au’s where she’s retired.

hearing about Jack’s death in any situation is always going to be a complicated mess of feelings for Esmeralda, particularly because she’s heard rumors of his death several times, so her immediate reaction would be, at first, disbelief and shrugging it off –– and not entirely unfounded, considering how well Jack manages to escape deathly situations, and the story in this instance is being eaten by a seamonster. not really something that inspires a great deal of belief. she’s also, at least once, known Jack to die and return again, when he died in the attempted rescue of the Wicked Wench and her resurrection as the Black Pearl. her religious feelings on this is another matter, but basically while she would never bargain with Jones to delay her Catholic judgement, she recognizes Jones & Calypso as minor deities worth reckoning with and also that Jack’s survival instinct is a force of its own when it comes to eldritch bargaining. in short, it would take her quite a long time to accept the finality of his death, not simply from a standpoint of denial –– and rightly so ! considering he does return, after a few weeks.

now, doubt aside, her reaction would be further complicated by her own desire to kill him quite a few times over his lifetime. as we can see by the crew’s reaction in tia’s shack, this doesn’t necessarily preclude a strong reaction of grief & sorrow at his passing, but unlike their reaction, Esmeralda’s feelings would be mixed up with love and memories and history that is no longer there. Jack is a fundamentally ephemeral being who really denies forging proof of connection, but instead carries them around his person. since his death transports him bodily to the Locker, it’s also like saying goodbye to those histories. on a grander level ( which, I think, is the reason for a lot of the grief that you see in DMC ) Jack’s death is a symbolic death of an age ; he’s the proverbial canary in the coal mine for piracy, because he’s been clinging to a kind of life that’s been disappearing for a long time. so as much as she would grieve for him on a personal level, she would ache for what his death represents.

now, if she were retired, Jack’s death and rescue mission to the locker is something she would absolutely come out of retirement for, because despite her mixed feelings, she would want to do everything possible to rescue him. it would also put her in the unique position of grieving someone without a place to direct it into anger, since she doesn’t necessarily blame jones for simply meeting the bargain they’d made, nor does she blame elizabeth for choosing the safety of the crew over jack’s ( and esmeralda would have done the same thing if she were in his position ). which is to say i think she’d be even more inclined to take action, because she would find it very difficult to sit and soak in her grief while doing nothing, especially while retired.

#i hope you guys are enjoying my long ass meta's i really enjoy getting these anons 😭 you guys make my day #✘; THE WORLD IS GNAWED BY NAMELESS THINGS ( anonymous )#✘; LETTERS ( answered )#✘; IN A WORLD WITHOUT GOLD，WE MIGHT HAVE BEEN HEROES ( headcanon )

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whump-town · 3 years

Text

A Wonderful Life

Why. Does. This. Fic. Just. Keep. Going.

I swear, the next chapter is the LAST chapter. I mean it.

Warning: talk of a miscarriage

Part one. Part two. Part three.

Haley and Hotch were not the kind of couple that managed to get pregnant on accident. They tried for years, long before law school graduations, years with the district attorney, the academy, Seattle… Hotch was worming his way into a nice cozy profiling job when Haley got their first positive test. Dave was still around back then and he’d been overjoyed-- tripping over his own excitement at just the opportunity to see so much emotion out of his prodigy.

Two months later Dave was sleeping on the couch, the future ex-Mrs. Rossi in their bed, when he got the call. He’ll never forget how quickly Aaron worked to compartmentalize everything happening. Dave could hear him softly sniffling, rubbing at his face as he took back slip-ups. Brushing away any comfort Dave might try to provide. Considering the loss he just suffered as nothing-- not a baby, not even cells. Just a stupid, silly idea.

Haley stopped trying to getting him to grieve with her.

They stopped trying after that.

It’s entirely an accident. A slap to the face to the years they spent with their lives measured out on calendars, going to doctors, and throwing money at her uterus and his sperm to magically make them physically compatible. They had both grown desperate but in opposing ways.

He could not rest. Spent the nights tossing and turning.

Haley needed a child, wanted one with all her might. To love it and teach it all the best parts of the world. She wanted to see how something good and kind could come from the two of them. She held him close and imagined a child with his annoying curiosity and her stubborn streak. Of coming to greet him at the door and squint her eyes and inform him of the mischief his child has been into. So that he might spend hours telling that baby silly stories, catching them up way past bedtime having fallen asleep to his nth retelling of how they fell in love.

The announcement could not have come at a better time.

Haley had been at home when Jason Gideon made the call in Boston that would nearly kill her husband. She hadn’t felt it, no cosmic hand wrapping tightly around her heart to tell her that the other half of her soul, the only person she’s ever loved was in mortal peril. It had been Derek Morgan, standing numbly in an isolated hospital wing, watching her husband’s body be shocked back to life, having air forced into his lungs that had been her telling moment.

And there she was with the child she thought she might never have and a dying husband.

She put an expiration date on both their heads and waited. Prepared to bury her husband and lose the only part of him she has the ability to protect. But the days crawled by and she found herself listening to that little baby’s heartbeat, the same slow pace as Aaron’s. Neither died.

But Jack’s birth could only hold off Aaron’s inability to self-preserve minimally. He’d live to see his son’s birth and Haley was certain he’d get himself killed before Jack’s fifth birthday.

Jack’s developmental delays were a point of much dispute, having a lot to do with Hotch’s denial. Hotch had been the smallest in his class, in his age bracket until ninth grade-- spent years as skinny as a rail and not meeting healthy markers for children his age. Haley had, mercifully, bitten her tongue and hadn’t reminded him that why Jack is small and missing delays have nothing to do with why Hotch had. Jack isn’t being abused at home… he’s just autistic.

Their marriage, no matter how strongly they still loved each other, was going down the drain. The news of all this had been a cross of startling and... about as hard to miss as the broad side of a barn.

“Two is-- Two is a good age to get diagnosed.” Reid, like Emily and Morgan, mistook Hotch’s primary concern. Saw his disappointment, his unease and pinned it on Jack’s diagnosis. The autism. And Hotch had smiled, calmly allowing Reid a moment’s tangent to get out what he needs to say. To try and convince Hotch that autism isn’t the end of the world-- because Reid can’t handle it. If Hotch leaves, if Hotch disowns his own son-- the way Reid’s own father had not long after his own “off the books” diagnosis had been given-- he’s not sure he can handle that.

“Reid,” Hotch had softly, placed his hand on Reid’s arm. The faintest touch. “I love Jack. I’m-- I’m not the best father but…” He won’t leave. The autism he can handle, Jack’s always been Jack and that changes nothing but finally provides some answers. Some guidance where’d they had been left blind.

It felt like Hotch was never going to be given a second chance to prove himself wrong. They seemed to turn around and there George Foyet was. Knife in one hand leaving behind a zombified Hotch and Jack. They watched, unable to do anything to help. Jack wanted Hotch and only Hotch but it was like just seeing the boy physically hurt Hotch.

“He’s late.”

They all look forward to Wednesdays. The two hours that they have to just sit and relax-- to let Jack entertain them with his many interest and love for random things he finds on their desks to play with. So they don’t take too kindly to Hotch coming in late and stealing their Jack time.

Emily glances at the clock at the bottom of her computer screen and shakes her head. Her stomach sinks as she realizes that they’re not just late, they’re nearly forty-five minutes late. Hotch abides by a strict, self-imposed schedule one made of utmost importance by Jack’s own intermingled schedule. She rolls her eyes, though, at Morgan rather than admit that it scares her just a little.

“It’s been raining,” JJ reminds them confidently. “I’m sure they’re out catching frogs in the parking lot or looking for washed-up rocks.”

Frogs. Right, Jack loves frogs. He hates to hold them but thoroughly enjoys chasing them and watching his father squirm and fight to hold them. It is pretty funny though, Aaron Hotchner scrambling to keep a tiny frog in one of his hands. Ending up slightly mud-stained, disheveled all to wrangle a frog.

It’s… humanizing (cute but she wouldn’t be caught dead calling the likes of dumbass Aaron Hotchner “cute”).

Morgan yawns, stretching out his arms high above his head. “I’m sure we have nothing to worry about,” he shrugs, tampering off the end of his yawn with the back of his hand. It’s far more likely that they’re getting breakfast-- the two of them love muffins. It wouldn’t be the first time that Hotch has stopped to get breakfast. If that goes in their favor, he’ll probably bring them some too. That’s not to say they’re not walking down the hall right now, Hotch trying to be as patient as possible as Jack hops down the hall.

Besides, if there was anything to worry about Dave would have gotten a call. If not for the simplicity of one of Hotch’s stories-- some long-winded, exasperated thing about Jack weighing down his pockets with rocks, Jack having a bad morning and he’s not going to be in for a few more minutes because he had to clean oatmeal off of himself and kitchen floor. Then, at the very least, something.

Yet, they have only radio silence.

Which is good.

Probably.

“Any word from Monsieur Crabbyass this fine morning?”

David Rossi has always been fascinated with the relationship between Emily and everyone else on the team-- though his typical interest is in the utter insubordination that occurs so effortlessly and flawlessly between Hotch and Emily. Naturally, it’s on his mind. He can’t consider the week complete until they’ve both stormed into his office to whine about the other. It makes him reconsider why came back.

It’s for that fact that he knows this is going to crush her the most.

Morgan and Hotch go about like a match to a candle wick. Burning one another to the ground. Things between them don’t go unsaid. If there’s an issue they get to it and neither can walk away until their hands are clear.

JJ and Hotch make the perfect parental tag team. So much of what they do is hidden but the thoughtless, mechanical way the two work together is never taken for granted. If shit hits the fan, those two are who you want.

Garcia and Hotch may not get a lot of time but they know she’s his soft spot.

Reid and Hotch are the strangest carbon copy of one another venturing to having a little too much in common to nothing at all.

Emily and Hotch have far too much left unsaid. Tension and, what he believes, to be penance for the courses of action they have both taken. In her inability to trust the team, running from them and forcing Hotch to kill her to protect her. His distance from them, which she has always read as distrust and tinged with his ego. Neither are as simple as they prefer to pretend to perceive themselves to be.

Not as mysterious either.

Leaving him, standing on the catwalk watching her little joke hit the others with fond laughter. Monsieur Crabbyass. That’s a good one and Aaron is probably never going to hear it. Never clench his jaw and glare to the side, forcing himself not to react and admit that it’s actually kind of funny.

Dave watches over them for another moment, taking in their innocence. Emily still snickering at her own joke, Garcia and JJ both shaking their heads at her. Morgan shakes his head but there’s no hiding his own amused smirk.

“He’s not coming in.” Dave clears his throat, “there was an accident on the way here this morning.” He can’t even get out what he needs to say, they’re already trying to talk over him. “Jack alright,” he’s standing there, trying to get his piece out. “Jessica’s already made her way to the hospital, sitting with Jack. He’s hardly got a scratch.”

There’s general ease that settles them with the relief that Jack is fine.

“And Hotch?”

On life support.

Laying in the intensive care unit with defibrillator sticky pads on his chest, waiting for the next episode of tachycardia to have the nurses and doctors of the unit holding their breath. Wondering just how many more times his body can take them beating the shit out of it or if he’ll come back this time. How many more times can he toe that line before he can’t come back?

“I--” Derek is standing numbly at his desk. Arms limp at his side. “What are-- Is Jack-- Jack is alright? How? Can we-- Will they let us back-- back to see him? They have to let us back to see him, right?”

To see what?

That his body is laid out on a stretcher bare of blankets and pillows. Neck held still by a brace. Jaw titled back and pale, cracked lips stretched around an incubation tube. The hiss of which fills the small empty room. To see that he’s covered in crisp white bandages, wrapped delicately around the purple bruises up and down his ribs. His unstable, flail chest.

To see the x-rays?

To have a doctor stand and explain the damage, the history of Aaron Hotchner’s bones. Old cracks and improperly healed aches. By forty, it’s easy to assume that the ghosts of childhood have long since lost their grasp, but today they nearly cost him his life. A decade worth of cheap shots to his sides, his father’s angry tyrannical downpours wore down the bones.

When he hit the steering wheel, those old bones never stood a chance. They gave out on him.

And what of Jack?

It’s one thing to have those words written out “In the event of my death…” but those are just words to be said. Never meant to be used. Jessica doesn’t understand all of Jack’s charts. She won’t ask him what color his socks are and let him weigh his pants down with rocks and carry him when he gets tired. She won’t get muddy and slimy to chase down frogs. But Jack and everything he owns (aside from some silly knick-knacks and stupid things he thought better to go to Morgan or maybe Garcia) go to Jessica Brooks.

In the event of my death…

“If he’s still alive by the time that we get there… it’s unlikely that they let anyone aside from family back.”

They stand in the silence of that. Of the implication. Does a single one of them know how to do any of this without him? Morgan doesn’t want to be fucking Unit Chief. He got his taste, he’s done. And, the most surprising part is that the somber, truth omission of what they are all thinking comes from Emily Prentiss. Righting her shoulders like she’s standing in front of the nurses and defending them right now.

“But we are his family.”

#tw miscarriage #criminal minds #aaron hotchner #criminal minds fanfiction

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dustypotion · 4 years

Text

Jaune is Salem’s Descendent Theory Masterpost

Hey everyone, want to hear my crackhead theories? Because I’ve mentioned this one before tons of times but now with more evidence I’m making a mid-volume 7 full update.

Visual Similarities

The blond-hair-blue-eyes thing is mostly an observation that kind of ties together everything if this theory is true, but is essentially for me the least important aspect. families tend to match eachother in aesthetic, though, so there’s a point to be made about that at least.

Everyone’s said it before, but Salem’s symbol is essentially the Arc symbol flipped with a diamond slapped on top. In a similar vein, we know Salem’s father was overprotective and kept Salem locked away, and although we don’t have too much to go on about how Jaune was raised we can assume not knowing jack shit about aura was a symptom of having been sheltered as a child.

In Jaune’s original concept art, they had a version of him that had red eyes that was scrapped. Funnily enough, the other concept had his eyes yellow. Jaune got extremely close to his final design not having blue eyes.

Jaune’s aura/semblance has striking similarity to the visual cueswhen Salem becomes immortal

Jaune’s Aura & Abilities

Jaune’s aura has been mentioned pretty much the most out of all the kids. He’s referenced several times to have a very high or possibly unnatural amount of aura, and in recent episodes, has used his semblance to regenerate it quicker than most can. Now, we’ve never seen a semblance that can heal others, and it makes sense that the amount of aura Jaune has was influenced by something, most likely being related to Salem and the remnants (ha) of her immortality

Also, if we’re loose about the interpretation of how Jaune is bringing back his own aura in Volume 7, feasibly he could learn to do it at such a rapid rate that would make him incredibly hard to kill unless you caught him completely off guard.

Jaune and Possible Grimm/Magic Influences

Someone picked up that back in Volume 5, Jaune reacts to the silver eyes. On further analysis of times when the SEWs use their powers, no one is really affected by the brightness of the power, as Emerald can knock out Ruby almost instantly after she’s used it and before Ruby’s even fully retracted the power. This is especially a thing in Haven, where only two people have an instant reaction to the Silver Eyes: Cinder, most obviously, but also Jaune. In fact, he shields his eyes (since he’s more facing Ruby) and stops charging Cinder before Cinder even seems affected by the Silver Eyes. We see him noticeably wince before facing an agonised Cinder

On a rewatch of Ruby’s repeated use of silver eyes during Brunswick, there’s definitely a pattern that suggests Blake, Weiss and Yang don’t react to the brightness of the SE and aren’t affected. Blake, when Ruby goes SEW, has a delayed reaction in getting up; it looks like she’s reacting the Apathy weakening, not the SEs. So why would Jaune be the only one to seem physically affected?

If we take the other two in account and remember that Grimm sense negative emotions and seem to be drawn in when bad things are happening, could that be the reason Jaune is so adamant that Ruby didn’t dial him on purpose back in Volume 2 and his “bad gut feeling” was him reacting to the Grimm outbreak before the sirens even went off?

Personality Similarities

Jaune’s story grieving Pyrrha and Salem’s story grieving Ozma parallel each other immensely. They have an awful reaction to their deaths, become aggressive and bitter against those they perceive as the culprits, and their SOs were the first/only ones to ever believe or try for them.

They also share similar personality traits; incredibly stubborn, not above lying or manipulating to achieve goals (Salem lying to the GoD, Jaune’s transcripts), and are very emotional people.

In a way that Ozpin and Salem are foils for each other, it would make sense that Jaune and Ruby would also be foils. Since it’s heavily implied that silver eyed warriors are descendents of Ozpin’s many incarnations, Jaune being a descendent of Salem’s would work in juxtaposing the two further. It also heavily fits the themes of improving on the older generation if Jaune, despite finding out who he’s related to, stays on the side of good and refuses to repeat Salem’s mistakes.

This will be added to as we get more information or somebody contributes (this will go with obvious credit). we’re going crackhead boys.

#rwby #long post #rwby7 #rwby7 spoilers #rwby spoilers #jaune arc #rwby salem

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temilyrights · 4 years

Text

watching you, watching her (chapter three)

Jack Sloane x Reader

Word Count: 3476

A/N: The third and final chapter! Mixed feelings about this one >.< but i hope you enjoy and as always, feedback is welcome and appreciated :)

Read on AO3

Chapter Two

The offer comes a week or so later. You’ve been headhunted a couple of times since you started working at NCIS 5 years ago, but you’ve always turned them down without a second thought. However, when the call comes through this time you listen to the DOD agent’s whole offer and agree to think about it. The second the call ends guilt churns through your stomach as you think over what it would mean to actually leave NCIS.

You enjoyed your job but Ellie was right that you weren’t happy there anymore. You couldn’t be, not when Jack was around you constantly. Everything felt duller and there was no excitement turning up to the office each day. Most day’s just consisted of you trying to keep yourself together every time she appeared, which was often, and it was affecting your ability to work, your instincts were slacking and even if the others were too polite to say anything they’d definitely noticed.

On the better days, you could get through without much incident. Jack had been the same with you since the night at the bar, and despite the pain you felt every time you saw her, you could never say no to her and that was what would be your downfall.

A fresh start didn’t sound like a bad thing. It wasn’t like you’d never see them again. You’d still be in Washington and it was common enough for the DOD to interact with NCIS so you’d probably cross paths with them on cases. You’d see them outside the office as well. Ellie had been taking weekly yoga classes with you for the past year anyway. It would just give you a break, time to heal and get over your feelings because working with Jack every day was just cutting you apart. You couldn’t do it anymore.

You don’t realise you’re crying until it becomes difficult to breathe. Your arms wrap around your waist as tears stream down your cheeks. You grieve that night. Grieve for Jack, grieve for the team, the family you might lose. The thing was it didn’t feel wrong, It didn’t feel like you were just running away. It felt right, like it was time to move on.

When you get the chance to tour around the DOD a couple of weeks later, being shown what could possibly be your office and bribed with the promise of having a team of your own, you know it’s time to tell Gibbs.

----

The whole drive to Gibbs’ house your nerves are in turmoil. His door is, unsurprisingly, unlocked and with a shout of his name, that receives no response, you head to his basement. He’s working on his boat and barely spares a glance in your direction as you descend the stairs unable to control your fidgeting hands. “Hey, Gibbs.”

He pours 2 glasses of whiskey as you slowly make your way over, placing one in your hand. “Thanks.” You take a slow sip using the delay to gather your thoughts. You’d planned a whole speech but now, standing in front of him, none of it felt good enough.

“Got somethin’ on your mind?”

You square your shoulders at his words, pulling together all the confidence you can muster. “The DOD has offered me a job...And I’m thinking of taking it.” You down the rest of the whiskey in one glug to avoid looking at the man in front of you, dumping the glass on the table.

“Ok.”

Eyes narrowing you look back up to him. “Ok?”

Gibbs shrugs. “I can’t say I’m surprised...Doesn’t mean I won’t miss ya though.” Tears instantly fill your eyes and Gibbs pulls you into a tight hug. You bury your face in the fabric of his t-shirt as tears trickle down your cheeks. “Just make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons.”

Huffing a laugh you pull back from his hug. “What are the wrong reasons?” His steel-blue eyes stare at you. “I can’t be around her every day. I know I’ve been half the agent I usually am the last couple of months. I’ve tried so many different ways to get past my feelings but every time I start something happens that sends me spiralling back to square one again.” You choke a laugh, voice catching in your throat. “Y-you should change rule 12 to never fall in love with your coworker.”

Gibbs sighs, pulling you back into another tight hug. He places a kiss on the top of your head. “Just make sure you tell her.” You aren’t sure if he’s talking about you leaving or that you’re in love with her but it doesn’t matter, you just hug him closer.

----

You accept the job offer at the DOD the following week and the next morning you hand in your resignation letter into HR.

Tim, Nick and Ellie are laughing together in the bullpen when you arrive. A sad smile crosses your face and Ellie’s laughter falters when she sees you. She’s up from her desk in seconds. “What’s happened?” The other two’s laughter trails off as they turn to face you. Faces filled with concern, confusion and dread look at you. You were really going to miss them.

“I uh, I just handed in my two weeks notice.” Ellie’s pulling you into a tight hug before you even finish talking. You were pretty sure she’d suspected this was coming for the last few weeks.

“Are you leaving DC?” Nick asks, hand resting on your shoulder. You shake your head, wiping away a few tears that had escaped.

“No. I’ve got a job with the DOD. My own team, you know? So I’ll still be close. Don’t worry you can’t get rid of me completely.” You try for a joke but it falls flat at Nick’s sad expression. He pulls you into a hug and then seconds later Tim is doing the same.

“Oh come on guys, I’ll make sure to keep bugging you once I’m gone and I’m sure we’ll get to fight over jurisdiction.” Tim releases a sad chuckle. Your eyebrows furrow as you notice Ellie smiling sadly as she stared at something behind you.

You turn around, gulping when you notice it’s Jack. Her eyes are filled with unshed tears. “You’re leaving?” The disbelief in her voice makes your heartache.

“Yeah. Two weeks.”

“Why?”

“The DOD offered me-”

“No.” Jack shakes her head, tone sharp. Your eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “No. You’ve had job offers before but you’ve always turned them down. Why are you leaving?”

“Jack-” You can’t look at her as your voice hitches, very aware of the fact that you were currently standing in the bullpen and people were watching. “I’ve been here for 5 years. I thought it was time to move on.”

Jack huffs at that, shaking her head. “I-” Her voice cracks and you blink quickly, looking upwards to stop your tears from escaping. “You aren’t telling me the truth.”

The accusation in her voice makes you flinch as your eyes meet hers. Even from this distance, you can see the anger swarming in her. You sigh, all energy leaving your body as exhaustion sweeps through you. “Does it matter why?”

Jack’s mouth hangs open in disbelief. “Does it matter? Of course, it matters!”

“I’m leaving. It’s already done. Can’t you at least pretend to be happy for me?” God knows I’ve done it enough for you. Jack huffs and storms off. You release a loud groan, throwing yourself into your desk chair.

“Well, that was certainly something.” Nick quips and you glare at him prompting him to hold his hands up in mock surrender. “Just saying.”

You sigh, dropping your head to your desk and release a long whine.

----

She stalks around the office for the next 3 days. She barely even speaks to you and when she does it’s with a short clipped tone. It pisses you off and after she decides to take the stairs instead of sharing an elevator journey together, you’ve finally had enough.

That evening you storm up to her office, slamming the open office door behind you and relishing in the way she jumps in shock. “What the fuck is your problem?” Jack doesn’t react to the venom in your tone just stares back at you as she sits at her desk. “I tell you I’m leaving and you’ve done nothing but rage around the office since! If you’ve got a problem, be an adult, and speak to me about it!”

“What, so you can just lie to me again?”

“I told you. I want a change, is that so hard to understand?” You’re pacing now, walking the length of her office as you try to calm yourself down.

Jack stands from her desk, walking around and cutting off your path. Her eyes narrow as she stares at you. “You’ve always said you love it here. Why would you suddenly want to leave?”

“It’s not sudden. It’s just you’re only just finding out about it.”

“And when did we stop talking about stuff like this? Why didn’t you say you were unhappy here? I could’ve helped!” Jack shouts, eyes flashing with hurt and anger.

“I don’t want your help!” You roar. There’s silence as Jack steps away. She looks as if you’ve slapped her and honestly you might have well had. Rage courses through you as frustrated tears fill your eyes.

“What the hell do you want then? Because there’s no way you want to leave. These people are your family!”

“Don’t you think I know that? I was in tears when I told Gibbs but he understands. Everyone understands apart from you!”

“Because they seem to know the real reason!” You weren’t doing this. You weren’t telling her. There was no way she could ever know.

“I’ve told you the reason! Why can’t you just accept it?” You’re spluttering and Jack shakes her head, looking away as tears escape down her cheeks. All the tension drops from your shoulders. “Please Jack, please don’t make this harder than it already is.”

She turns to you, her hand brushing away the tears rolling down your own cheeks and you squeeze your eyes tightly shut in response. She lingers a couple of seconds, before dropping her hand and stepping away as she sighs. Her touch always had the ability to ground you but at the same time set your body on fire. Today it just made your heartache. You don’t understand why she keeps doing this...does she not understand what she’s doing to you?

You don’t look at her, just make your way to the couch to put some distance between the two of you. She stays by her desk, eyes tracking you. “I don’t want to lose you,” Jack speaks barely above a whisper and your eyes snap to her.

“You won’t.”

“I feel like I already have.” You look away at that. She’s right, everything has changed the last few months. She’d been just as distant with you though so you’d assumed she’d been too preoccupied with Sarah to notice. You’d been in a constant fight with yourself with wanting her close and wanting her as far away as possible and it was tearing you apart. “Did I do something?”

The vulnerability in Jack’s voice makes your mouth wobble. “No. I just- I can’t stay here anymore.” You were scared she’d outright ask you to stay because if she did you weren’t sure you’d have the power to say no. Your willpower was already diminishing every minute you stayed in her office. She moved to the couch, sitting close enough that your legs touched. Your hands are squeezing the fabric of your trousers and Jack reaches out and covers one with her hand. You instantly relax at the touch and she grips tighter, rubbing soothing circles on the top of your hand. You watch her closely, questions swarming in your eyes.

“Why?” Her eyes bore into yours.

“Please don’t make me say it.”

“Y/N...” Jack says your name so softly that tears spring to your eyes. She’s so close, her eyes fluttering over your face before focusing on your lips. You quickly pull away, ripping your hands from Jack’s grasp and moving to the other side of the room, fists squeezing tightly as you try to control your swirling emotions.

“You can’t keep doing that.” You listen as she gets off the couch and steps behind you, her hand reaching out lighting touching your back causing you to flinch away. Your eyes plead for her to understand, desperation seeping into your voice as you turn to face her. “It’s not fair. You touch and you hover and you care and then 2 seconds later mention your girlfriend.”

“Y/N, I-”

“No! Do you not get how hard I have been trying to keep myself together these past few months? And I was finally getting somewhere, I was finally making progress and then you go and almost kiss me! And you were drunk so I couldn’t be mad but it hurt so much Jack. It hurts and I still don’t know what any of it means!” Tears stream down your face, you can barely see her but you feel when her arms wrap around you. You try to pull away but she just holds you tighter, her hands running over your hair and her tears seeping into your shirt, all your fight leaves you and you relax into her arms.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Jack repeats over and over again as she clings onto you. “I didn’t think you felt the same way.” She sniffs. “I was so tired of pining over you. I spent so much time trying to focus on Sarah, distancing myself from you, but no matter how hard I’ve tried I’m always drawn right back. I started to realise maybe you felt the same but by then I thought it was for the best, that maybe you were better off without me.”

You pull away, tear-filled eyes stare back at you. A sad sigh escapes your lip as you shake your head. “I could never be better off without you.”

“Y/N, I’m messy and complicated and too angry and you deserve someone who doesn’t come with all my baggage. You deserve someone who’s better.”

“But that’s up to me to choose Jack. It’s not up to you!” Jack goes to protest but you hold your hand up, halting her. “It doesn’t matter anyway, because you chose Sarah.”

“Because I was too scared to choose you.” You look up, blinking quickly as you take a deep breath to try and control the onset of tears threatening to break free. “We broke up. A couple of weeks ago.” Your eyes snap to Jack, your mouth hanging open in shock. “After our almost kiss I couldn’t get you out of my head and Sarah had finally had enough. She broke up with me and I didn’t tell anyone because I was embarrassed and ashamed and-”

“She’s gone? For good?” Jack nods. “A-and you want me? You’d choose me?”

“Yes, but Y/N-” You don’t let her finish, grabbing her left hand and pulling her towards you as your other hand cups her cheek and brings her lips to yours. Jack gasps but you swallow the noise. Her fingers dig into your waist as she pulls you flush against her body. The kiss deepens, your tongues fighting for dominance as your tears mix together and your hands find their way to Jack’s hair, you grip it and she releases a deep moan that sets your whole body on fire and sends heat straight between your legs.

You only pull away once the need to breathe becomes too strong. Foreheads resting together as you both gasp for air. “But what?”

“Huh?” Jack’s dazed expression brings a smirk to your lips. “I-I don’t remember.” Her eyes fall back to your mouth, her tongue darting out to wet her own lips in the process. You reach out, tucking a strand of her behind her ear. The next kiss is softer and slower as you take the time to explore each other’s mouths. You nip at her lip enjoying the breathy noises you can bring out of her. Jack pushes you backwards by your hips until your bottom hits her desk, you don’t hesitate to spread your legs so she can stand between them. Your hands move to her waist as hers hang around your neck as the kiss deepens. A deep moan that rips from your throat as she pushes her thigh between your legs and her tongue sweeps against yours.

“Jack” You breathe, pulling your mouth from hers.

“Mm?” She hums, her mouth goes in search of yours again but you pull back with a laugh.

“We should stop.” Your eyes flick to the office door and Jack sighs, her bottom lip jutting out in protest. “Anyone could walk in and as much I’m enjoying having you between my legs,” Jack grins and you lean in to whisper in her ear. “I want to take my time exploring every inch of your body and I can’t do that here.” Jack groans, swallowing roughly, her eyes almost black with desire.

“Right.” She coughs, stepping back slightly but still within your grasp. Your hands sit loosely at her waist.

“So, what happens now?”

“Well…I’d like to see where this goes, I assume you do too,” You roll your eyes playfully, nodding. “Then we do that. You can start by letting me take you out on a date.”

You grin. “I think I can manage that.”

“Good.” Jack smiles softly. You see the hesitation wash over her face and you frown. “And...the job?”

You swallow roughly. “All the paperwork has already gone through. I’ve signed the contract with the DOD.”

“I can get Leon to pull some strings, you wouldn’t have to leave.” You bite your lip. Jack’s face drops and she steps back out of your grasp. “Unless you want to?”

“I don’t know. I need to think about it.” Jack nods but the disappointment and confusion are clear on her face. “The original reason for me leaving was, uh...”

“Because of me.”

You nod slightly. “I’ve been distracted, my instincts slacking because I couldn’t stop thinking about you.” You release a self-deprecating laugh at that.

“I’m sorry-”

“Don’t apologise, it’s not your fault I fell hopelessly in love with you.” Jack gasps, her eyes watering. You clear your throat awkwardly, ducking your head as your words catch up with you. “I shouldn’t have said-”

“I-I love you too.” Your own eyes shine with tears. Jack reaches forward, her hand brushing your cheek as she presses a soft kiss against your lips. You smile softly at one another. “Sorry, uh, you were saying?” Jack doesn’t pull away as far this time.

“Right...It really is a great opportunity and I think I want to at least see where it could go.”

Jack nods. “The DOD is great and your own team, I understand the appeal.”

“But you don’t want me to go?”

“Of course not.” Jack smiles softly at you. “But you should, your face lit up when you spoke about it and anyway NCIS will always be here if you want to come back.”

“They’ll replace me-”

“I can have you back with one phone call to Leon,” Jack smirks and you break out into laughter, you pull her in close and place a kiss on her lips despite both of your wide smiles.

“So you’re okay with it?”

“I mean...I don’t love it but I love you,” Your heart flutters in your chest, it feels weird to hear her say those words again. “and I want to see you happy, so yes, I’m more than okay with it.” All your tension seeps away, your eyes watering as you smile.

“Thank you.” You breathe. As much as you’d like to pretend it didn’t, Jack’s opinion meant a lot to you and you don’t know what you’d have done if she hadn’t agreed with it. You huff a breath. “Today’s been quite a day huh?”

Jack laughs. “I wouldn’t change it, not when I now have you in my arms.” She rolls her eyes at herself. “God, that was cheesy.”

You smirk. “I like cheesy.”

“Well don’t get used to it.”

“I wouldn’t dare.” At Jack’s smile, you can’t help yourself, you pull her in for another kiss. Making sure to draw it out, kissing her softly and slowly before pulling away with a nip to her bottom lip. “Could get used to that though.”

Jack hums. “Now who sounds cheesy.” She doesn’t give you time to respond, instead, pulling you back in for another kiss.

Mmm. You could definitely get used to this.

#jack sloane x reader #jack sloane #jacqueline sloane #multi chap #watching you watching her #ncis #maria bello #reader insert #writing #fanfiction #fanfic

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lewishamil10n · 4 years

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Fic idea? What if Dean had ignored Cas & found Sam's body in 13.21...eyes open, blood seeping-gosh Jared did amazing but that death was so harsh and brutal, Sam's throat was literally ripped out

at the risk of sounding like a bad person, that’s one of my favorite sam deaths :p not only was jared phenomenal, jensen absolutely took my breath away with his acting. seeing his reaction broke my heart just as much as sam’s death itself did.

notes: spoilers for “beat the devil”

warnings: major character death, graphic descriptions of death by vampire, and also of vampires snacking on people

Sam’s blood is pouring out of his throat, crimson waterfall as his struggles cease. “Dean!” he calls out again, weak, and goes lifeless, and Dean fights, but there’s nothing he can do--

"Sam!” shouts Castiel, rushing after the vampires that are dragging Sam down the tunnel offshoot. Dean struggles anew and manages to throw off his attacker, taking a second to blow another vampire’s head off with his shotgun before he follows Cass, who’s shouting Sam’s name again.

“Sammy!” Dean tries, his own blood screaming in his ears, soul aching. The tunnel ahead of him is black-hole dark but he can hear snarling up ahead. The rational part of him knows that this is suicide, that there are hundreds of vampires just waiting for him, but the majority of him doesn’t give a shit. Sam’s down there. His little brother, who just some time ago had been laughing, hopeful and happy. Who out of all of them believed in happy endings.

Dean makes to go down the tunnel, but he’s only taken two steps before Cass reappears. The grim look on his face tells Dean all he needs to know. “Dean,” he says.

“What?” Dean asks, trying to look past Castiel into the tunnel.

“He’s gone,” Castiel tells him somberly.

“NO!” He refuses to believe it, he can’t, Sam can’t be gone--

Castiel grabs his shoulders, preventing him from pushing past him into the tunnel. “We don’t have time!” he tells Dean, tone forceful. “We can’t save him,” he adds, a little gentler.

Dean looks at him for a second, chest feeling tight. It hurts to breathe. He can hear Maggie and Gabriel behind him, but he pays them no mind. They don’t matter. The only person who matters, who’s ever mattered, isn’t here right now.

He looks past Cass, into the tunnel, and then back at the angel, who’s watching him with pain etched into his face. Cass is grieving, he knows. He’s given up. Already. Wants to be practical, wants Dean to move on ahead.

If he thinks Dean can just do that, he doesn’t know Dean at all.

Mind made up, Dean shakes Castiel’s hands off his shoulders and moves past him again, stepping into the darkened tunnel. “Dean, what are you doing?” the angel asks incredulously, grabbing his arm. “I said--”

“I know what you said,” Dean interrupts, voice low. “I just don’t care.”

“You’ll get killed,” Cass tries, desperate.

“I don’t care,” Dean repeats, and wrenches his arm out of Cass’s grasp.

“I can’t lose you too!” Cass tells him, a last-ditch effort.

Dean lets out a harsh laugh. “You already have.” He turns and walks on, flashlight illuminating as much of the way as it can, and he doesn’t turn to look at Cass. The angel doesn’t call out for him either, clearly recognizing it as a lost cause.

Dean’s been walking for five minutes when he realizes he forgot to give Cass any sort of message to pass on to Mary. He feels some amount of regret about that, but it doesn’t last for more than a few minutes. It’s a little hard to care about his mother right now. Maybe that makes him heartless, but he can’t bring himself to really care. He loves her, and he cares about Jack, too. But neither of them matter to him if Sam’s not here.

He’s nine minutes in when he encounters his first vampire. A shotgun blast takes care of it, but the sound draws more vampires, and they crowd in on him from all sides, appearing into the swathe of light cut by the flashlight, growling and snarling. Dean takes down as many as he can, considering how vastly outnumbered he is, and he presses on, determined to get to Sam.

He knows he’s going to die here. He can’t escape that. All he can do is delay it till he reaches his brother.

It seems that the more vamps he kills, the more they multiply; Dean’s arms hurt from alternating between swinging his machete around and loading and shooting his shotgun. He tosses it aside when he runs out of ammo, and then it’s just him and his machete, and about a hundred or so vampires, and no sign of Sam just yet.

Teeth snap millimeters from his throat and he swings wildly, taking out the vampire who’d just tried to get a bite of him. “Not you, you ugly motherfucker,” he snarls, blood spattering his face as he slashes, almost feral in his rage. They killed Sam, they took his brother from him, and he’s going to die but he’s not going to do it without taking as many of them with him as he can.

We’re close. Can’t you feel it? Sam had asked, and he’d had that smile on his face, the real one he kept hidden from the world, dimples and all. Dean would have killed for that smile. In a heartbeat he would have. He’d have gladly given his own soul -- again -- to keep it on Sam’s face, to keep him safe, to keep him in that moment where he was happy and light and alive.

He stumbles on something in the dark, almost falling over before he manages to right himself. His flashlight is in his free hand, and he points it to the ground, heart stopping for a second when he catches sight of a booted foot. He moves it upwards.

There are three vampires surrounding Sam’s upper body. Two of them are latched to his throat, both of them sucking from each carotid artery, and the third is drinking from his wrist, lapping up the blood with sickening slurping sounds.

Dean doesn’t even hesitate. They’re feeding, preoccupied, so they don’t even have time to fight back when Dean swings, and not even two seconds later they’re all dead, heads rolling on the ground.

The tunnel is quiet now. Dean’s lost count of how many vamps he’s killed. Enough to buy him some time, but he knows there are more coming. He doesn’t have long.

He sinks to his knees next to Sam, finally letting his tears fall. Sam’s eyes are open, staring into nothingness, the color muted, and Dean lets out a muffled sob as he places his hand over them and slides them shut. His little brother is covered in his own blood, pale and lifeless, throat torn out, and Dean’s having trouble believing it. He can’t reconcile this Sam with the one from earlier, laughing, smiling.

Can’t you feel it? he’d asked.

“God, Sammy,” Dean whispers, choked, and gathers him in his arms, as carefully as if he still had life in him. He cradles his little brother to his chest, hands slipping on all the blood, and presses Sam’s face into his own neck. There’s no warmth to Sam’s skin, no breath fanning out across Dean’s neck and face. He doesn’t tangle his fingers in Dean’s shirt or push his face into his shoulder. He doesn’t whisper anything, doesn’t say a word, doesn’t do anything but lie there, limp in Dean’s arms, lifeless rag doll.

“I’m so sorry,” Dean murmurs into his hair, petting it like he can still somehow give Sam comfort from the simple action. “Sammy, God, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”

The words mean nothing. They can’t bring Sam back, and yet Dean can’t stop saying them. He should’ve tried harder, fought more to get to Sam’s side. He should’ve stopped Sam from coming here in the first place, should’ve made him stay home. He should’ve--

It doesn’t matter. It’s not going to bring Sam back. Nothing is. Dean has no idea if Billie has any power here, in this alternate universe, and so he doesn’t know where Sam’s soul is. Does this place have a heaven? It must; something must be powering all those angels. And if so, does Sam get to go there?

He should. If anyone deserves heaven, it’s Dean’s brave little brother, fighting to his last breath, never losing hope. Dean lets out another sob into Sam’s hair, and tastes copper. If he had the energy for it he’d be hurling, because that’s Sam’s blood, but he can’t, he can’t, all he can do is retch weakly and hold on to Sam and hope that the next vampire is quick.

That stupid prayer gets answered, at least, by whoever is in charge in this universe. Dean doesn’t let go of Sam even when they rip his throat out too. He continues holding his brother even as he feels the life drain out of him, his blood warm on his skin, vampire lips cold and clammy as they latch on to his carotid.

It’s over in seconds.

The war does not last forever. Somehow, some way, the humans win. Jack holds Michael immobile with his grace while Gabriel stabs him with the archangel blade, and that’s that.

Lucifer receives the same treatment back on earth, but Sam and Dean don’t know that. They can’t go there. All they can do is try their best to help the humans, unseen and unknown as they are, and in the end they stand side by side and watch as Castiel, Mary and Jack finally cross back over into their own world.

The remaining humans rebuild. They’ve always been resilient. The rest of the angels return to heaven, an army without a general. They are lost without a cause to follow.

The Dayton outpost becomes a village, and then a town, and then a city again. Similarly, other cities flourish again, all over the continental US. Some of them are old, rising from the ashes, but most of them are new.

It takes a few years, but eventually the humans remember the Morehead tunnel. Sam watches, hidden, as a few of them band together, armed to the teeth, and go on a hunt to rid it of the last of the vampires.

“Think they’ll make it?” Dean asks, manifesting next to Sam.

Sam doesn’t jump. He’s used to Dean’s antics by now. His brother’s taken to being a disembodied spirit with unexpected gusto, after the adjustment period. It took Sam more time than that, but having Dean with him -- after he got over the shock and grief of it -- helped speed up the whole holy shit I’m a ghost what the fuck phase.

“Probably,” he tells Dean, leaning into his side. Their shoulders touch. That had been a pleasant surprise, finding out they can still touch each other despite being spirits.

“What do you think they’ll do after?” Dean wonders.

Sam shrugs. “Don’t know. Tear down the tunnel, maybe.”

“They’ll find our bones,” Dean points out. “And probably salt and burn ‘em.”

“Probably,” echoes Sam. He should feel -- something. Anything. He doesn’t. Those bones don’t feel like him anymore. They’re a separate entity from him now, dried out and pale, scattered in a heap with Dean’s bones.

They watch silently as the group of hunters begins the hacking and shooting. The vampires have been weakened after years of surviving on scraps, and they’re no match for a group of ten hardened, determined hunters. It won’t be long before they’re all gone.

“Where do you think we’ll go?” Dean asks, and then whistles appreciatively as one of the hunters takes off two vamp heads in one sweeping stroke. “Nice. She’s got moves.”

“I don’t know,” Sam tells him, leaning against the cave wall with his hands in his pockets. “Maybe we get to go to our heaven. The one in our world.”

“That’d be nice,” Dean says. He’s standing in the center of the fray, not caring as vampires, humans, and the occasional machete pass through him. “We’d get to see Mom again. And Cas, and Jack.”

“What if that doesn’t happen, though?” Sam can’t help but ask. “What if our souls can’t go across the rift, and we’re just sort of stuck here forever?”

“You mean like now?” Dean asks dryly.

Sam shrugs. “I don’t know. I don’t know how any of this works. It’s not like we can summon an angel an ask.”

Dean flickers out of sight just as the last vamp drops, and reappears next to Sam. “Man, I’m really gettin’ the hang of this Apparating thing.”

Sam snorts. “That’s not Apparition.”

“Shut up,” Dean tells him with an eye roll, before leaning on the cave wall next to him, mirroring his position. “Man, it doesn’t matter, you know?”

“What doesn’t?”

“Where we go,” Dean clarifies. “I mean, we didn’t end up too badly, you know?”

“We’re literally ghosts,” Sam points out.

Dean rolls his eyes again. “No, really? I hadn’t noticed. Seriously, though,” he adds. “We got to see our side win. We got to see our family safe. And we got to have more time with each other. That’s more than enough for me, man. It’s all I ever freakin’ wanted.”

Sam smiles a little at that. “Yeah,” he says softly. Pushing away from the cave wall, he holds out a hand to Dean. “Come on,” he says.

Dean takes it. “Where are we going?”

Sam’s smile widens. “Does it matter?” he asks rhetorically. “You’re right, you know. About - about it all. I’m okay with this.”

“Yeah?” Dean asks.

Sam nods. “Yeah. Together, remember? We promised.”

Dean grins back at him. “Yeah, we did.”

They come to a halt next to their bones. Sam doesn’t let go of Dean’s hand, and both of them stand shoulder to shoulder, watching in silence as one of the hunters sprinkles salt liberally over their bones. Another one produces a can of lighter fluid and splashes it over their remains, and then pulls out a book of matches and lights one.

“See you later, Dean,” Sam says, squeezing Dean’s hand.

“Countin’ on it,” Dean answers, squeezing back.

The match falls.

i tried really hard to find out a way that would have them both be together in the end while alive, but that would’ve made the story way longer than it needed to be. this is the second best solution i could come up with. i guess it counts as a somewhat happy ending? relatively. i hope you enjoyed it, anon!

special thanks to @spnxbookworm for helping me flesh out my ideas for this prompt! i love you sanjy

#sam winchester #dean winchester #supernatural #beat the devil #samdean #my writing #asks #Anonymous

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agusvedder · 5 years

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Yep. Classic romantic trope. It's not like they haven't done his before. I mean..

They were always doing this because every time they thought the show was going to end that season, but it didn't. The last real break up was in S10 I believe, after Dean beating the shit out of Cas under the MOC influence. (@destielette1 made a post about this too). In season 11 there wasn’t a break up, it was just pure romantic angst. Season 12 was filled with husbandly bickering, and the breaking point was when Cas left with Kelly. But it wasn’t a break-up. Not really, when they found each other again they worked together to beat Lucifer up.

Doing the temporary break up trope this far on the series, knowing the end is near, is just an excuse for unnecesary angst, and to delay the inevitable: Dean and Cas confessing their love for each other.

The problem is that it feels almost forced, unnecesary and uttely cruel. Dean has grown a lot and he knows better than to say that to Castiel of all people. We all had the huge displeasure to observe Dean grieving Cas from e1-5 s13. It was so awful.

From all the scenes, there's one that hurt me the most, personally. We haven't seen Dean crying (Ofc), but in the scene I'm talking about, he's displaying red eyes, a little bit puffy (Hard to tell of course because Jensen is the embodiment of physical perfection and literally looks hot while being shot) and he's being a dick to his brother. Well, like every episode before Cas goes back.

This fucking hurt me, 'cause Dean, the big brother who aways protects his little brother, yells at him “MOM’S DEAD, LUCIFER RIPPED OUT HER FREAKING HEART, AND AS SOON AS YOU WRAP YOUR HEAD AROUND THAT, THE SOONER WE CAN ALL MOVE ON”. I mean, Fuck Dean, right? He has no right to treat his brother like that, specially knowing the history Sam has with Lucifer and Mary. Are two of his biggest traumas. But Sam knows what’s going on... “So you’re saying you want to move on ........ from mom?”

That little pause is everything. And the scene didn’t even have background music, there was silence. Completely silent. At first Dean is reluctant to meet his eyes, but then he looks at his little brother, and Sam gives the look back, silently saying “I see through your bullshit, Dean, I know you’re hurt about Cas, you can talk to me about it and stop being a dick”...

Dean just lean back and change the subject.

THAT DEAN would NEVER TELL CAS SOMETHING LIKE

“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”

This is why the scene on top is completely off character at this point of the series (If the scene is actually like they developed it in the promo) . In season 13 there wasn’t a break up between Dean and Cas, and this season they were swimming in shit thanks to this Michael stuff and now Soulless Jack stuff. Like the awesome @magnificent-winged-beast pointed out, Dean was already warned by Cas about Jack’s soul. If he was careless it’s his OWN FAULT. Jack has three dads. And a mom. Why the only one checking on him is Castiel? Why is everything his responsability? He already made a deal with the empty in exchange with Jack’s life.

In conclusion, this is lazy writing. I repeat, if the scene plays exactly like the promo (which I doubt) it’s awful, sad and super cruel. I understand Supernatural writers are trying to give us the last big break up before Dean and Cas suck each other’s tongues, but this is so painful, man, super unnecesary, and the writers are the only one’s to blame if it plays like that. “Abscence” was written by Bobo Berens, I’d rather to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Let’s see how it plays out this thursday.

Tagging for debate: @verobatto-angelxhunter @magnificent-winged-beast @emblue-sparks @gneisscastiel @destielette1

#Destiel mini meta #meta #Destiel #Supernatural #Abscence #Spn 14x18 #Supernatural s14 #Dean Winchester #Castiel #Cas Winchester #Sam Winchester

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oc-character-development · 5 years

Text

Alright so at Doctor Who society this week we had a pitch your own adventure night and I thought I’d share my pitch.

Rules of the episode:

It could be literally anything. Any doctor, any setting, any companion, copyright laws were not applicable so you could have the Doctor vs Voldemort if you wanted (we had worse or better, depending on your point, one idea was the Doctor teaming up with Sherlock Holmes and Watson, Jeeves and Wooster to fight Cuthulu, the master and Moriarty in 1940 and another was the Doctor VS demonic Teletubbies)

So here’s my pitch (and prepare for ANGST I’m warning you. It’s full of it! oh, and some details are left out/ under developmened/ rushed as my notes got deleted on my phone literally right before I pitched the story) OH AND SPOILERS FOR ANGELS TAKE MANHATTAN, WEDDING OF RIVER SONG AND GOOD MAN GOES FOR WAR:

Title: Time Trap/Chaos (its a two parter)

Characters:

11th Doctor- Post Angels Take Manhattan and Pre Snowmen.

10th Doctor- Post Journey’s End and Pre Next Doctor

Captain Jack Harkness- Post series 2 Torchwood, pre Children of Earth.

River Song- Pre Angels Take Manhattan, during the time she’s investigating Angels and writing the Melody Melone novels.

Plot:

Part 1: Time Trap-

Starts with 11 distracting himself from the loss of the Ponds, Eating Jammie Dodgers, admiring Fezzes and Bow ties and what not above 19th century Earth and trying to have one last bit of fun before he retires.

Cloister Bell starts ringing and the Tardis is suddenly pulled forwards in time towards 1930s New York (that’s bad by the way if you haven’t seen the episode, it could cause a paradox and blow up the whole planet apart) and there’s nothing the Doctor can do to stop it.

So naturally he rings up the only person he can think of who is in the 1930s at this time who could help. His wife.

River immediately assumes it’s another attempt on the Doctor’s life by the Silence and so tries to send a message to some archeologists from the 52nd century who have some experience in stopping the silence and could help her with this problem. The message goes haywire and ends up being sent to the 10th Doctor who is taking Jack on a trip to cheer him up after the events of Torchwood series 2.

Ten, knowing who River is, but not who she is if you get my meaning, delays their trip and immediately goes to help, because it’s River and he always comes when she calls.

Jack and River flirt.

River explains the situation

The ground shakes, turns out this ‘meteor’ (really the Tardis) that is heading to earth is causing natural distaters and a paradox is already happening making reapers to appear.

The 11th Doctor meanwhile figures out its not the silence as they would not use this method of stopping him reach trenzalore. It just didn’t fit.

Ten realises that he needs the help of eleven and so he creates a ‘timey-wimey loop machine’ to get eleven out of there by using both River and Jack’s vortex manipulators (as they are the exact same device). This doesn’t work as something is blocking the signal.

Meanwhile the TARDIS enters earths atmosphere and starts burning up.

Ten realises this is something far bigger than the silence based on River’s explanation and realises there is only one being who lives to create this much chaos.

The Trickster.

Episode ends.

Part 2: Chaos-

Episode starts with Ten explaining to River who exactly the Trickster is (Jack and torchwood has had a run in with the Trickster brigade before) and how he works

Ten then realises that the Doctor is being targeted which means his future self must had been close to death and said yes and that they are in a lot more danger than just reapers and natural disasters.

Eleven meanwhile, realising that this is the trickster. calls the being forwards for a chat and comes to realise that the trickster had planted a subconscious message in the Doctors mind in his moment of desperation and grief for the Ponds. The choice to save them and condemn hundreds and thousands of people or grieve them and lose them forever. The Doctor had unknowingly said yes to the first option. The Doctor tries to trick the trickster to go back on his own deal to at least get some time for the others to fix it.

Ten reverses the polarity on his device, allowing him to come on board the TARDIS with River and Jack, without causing more chaos but accidently destroying River’s vortex manipulator in the process.

Upon getting there, Jack tries to trick the Trickster, by shooting the creature (which doesn’t work) and is ultimately killed because of it. He comes back to life instantly because, 1, he’s immortal, and 2, it just wouldn’t be a cap Jack episode of Doctor Who without him dying now he’s immortal 😂.

Eleven tries to break out of the Deal but is finding it harder than usual because he still desperately wants the Ponds back.

Ten realises that him, and Jack are both at risk from being manipulated as they are all at vulnerable places in their lives and that River is the only one who isn’t and is probably the only one capable of convincing eleven to go back on the deal.

River, who has at this point has realised something has happened to her parents considering they aren’t there and eleven is acting like he would if it had but she’s not entirely sure what, convinces the Doctor (along with Jack who reminds him that he lost Rose and got over it with time), that he has to break out of his deal or the world is at stake, people will die and that Amy would do the same thing if she was there and the Ponds would definitely not approve of his actions. Eleven says no to the trickster. The trickster goes away, hinting that he is going to Bannerman Road (implying he is kickstarting the events of unaired planned episodes of SJA titled the battle of Bannerman road) and the TARDIS stops hurdling towards earth.

River and eleven have a quick heart to heart as eleven is obviously distressed by this. Jack celebrates as well. Ten looks at the scanner and points out the reapers haven’t gone away. The Trickster has tricked them and got another hold on someone or someones in the 30s.

It’s the Ponds. He’s got a hold of the Ponds. Rory as an old man, has been given the choice of being young and seeing Amy again but at the cost of thousands or dying and Amy in the second she’s sent back in time, has been given the option of getting Rory back and staying in the present time happily or dying in the past.

Eleven has a chance to say goodbye to the Ponds. Convincing Rory that they’ll get him out of there and that he’ll see Amy again. Oh and River stays in the TARDIS with ten and jack to avoid spoilers.

When he arrives to Amy, it’s her who reassured the Doctor that it will be alright and that he shouldn’t travel alone echoing her words that will be on the last page. But now both the Ponds are free from the Trickster.

All is well. Time has fixed and they land in Victorian London where the tenth Doctor’s TARDIS had followed them to, ten questions eleven on who River is, Jack and River flirt again and then Ten and Jack leave.

River questions the Doctor on his choice and what exactly happened, knowing that they wouldn’t remember the exact events once they leave and he fixes her vortex manipulator telling her he would have condemned the universe if she hadn’t kept him grounded (earning a snarky remark from River) he tells her to go finish that book and that she’ll understand what happened soon enough. But River tells him to listen to Amy and not be alone. She goes off back to 1930s New York.

The episode ends with the Doctor sighing, looking back at the TARDIS, sonicing it away to the cloud in the sky he’d created and turning around just in time to see Vastra, Jenny and Strax heading towards him where as he’s just forgotten the events that have just happened, he informs them for the first time that he has in fact, retired.

Roll credits

Yeah, there’s a few plot holes and development is rubbish but like I said I lost the actual document with the whole idea on. But yeah, I just wanted Jack and River to meet and the actual Trickster in an episode of Doctor Who and a bit more closure on Rory’s departure. Oh and I love it when the Doctor is vulnerable in an episode.

#doctor who #episode ideas #university #special interests #yowzah #amy x rory #the tenth doctor #eleventh doctor #jack harkness #captain jack #torchwood #river song #10 x river song #11 x river song #the ponds #angst

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nellie-elizabeth · 5 years

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Supernatural: Back and to the Future (15x01)

We're back! Man, this show. Say what you will about it, but you have to admit it's an institution. I'm already pretty emotional about the fact that this is going to be our last season. And it looks like the showrunners are going to be leaning hard into the nostalgia factor. I for one am super okay with that.

Cons:

I know it's mandatory that everyone who dies in this show gets brought back, and that every actor gets to play different characters. And I can't even be that mad about Jack's body being possessed by some random demon, because Alex Calvert is clearly having so much fun. But I want to take this opportunity to express some healthy skepticism about this Belphegor character. Hopefully I'll like where this is going, but for now it just seems like a shoe-horned excuse to keep Calvert around, and a convenient work-around for any insurmountable problems that Team Free Will faces. If they don't know what to do next, convenient demon buddy happens to know just the spell to help. I can see that getting really old, really fast, even if the character seems like a lot of fun.

Pros:

And... yeah, the character does seem like a lot of fun. He's quippy but in his own unique way, he self-describes himself as a clock-puncher from Hell. He's not some super-powered mega-monster. At least, as far as we know. He's just part of the fabric of Hell, and he wants things back the way they were before Chuck screwed everything up. He's flirty with Dean, which is hilariously uncomfortable, and he's picking up hard on the lover's spat between Dean and Cas, which is just so much fun to watch. I could definitely be convinced to spend some more time around this character, as long as his ultimate purpose makes sense and isn't completely contrived.

Sam, Dean, and Cas are all dealing with their grief and trauma in interesting ways. I like that Sam goes in to this sad sort of logic-mode, where he asks Cas if it's possible to save Jack, and when he's told no, he basically pushes it aside. He's not any happier about Jack's body being possessed than Cas is, but he knows that they need all the help they can get. Cas, meanwhile, is operating on anger, which is frankly pretty understandable. He is the most viscerally affected to see Belphegor "defiling Jack's corpse," and he later remarks to Dean that he can't even look at him. And Dean... well, Dean seems to be repressing the worst of his emotions as per usual. He's oddly calm throughout the whole episode, and I think the fact that Dean had been ready to kill Jack himself is going to end up complicating his grieving process going forward. It's like a delayed reaction - Jack, the Jack they all knew and loved, was kind-of-sort-of already gone, from the moment his soul was all used up. But grief doesn't work along logical lines like that, and I think we're going to see Dean and the others grappling with that in some interesting ways.

I'm not expecting anything real to happen along the Destiel front, obviously, because I've learned to live in a constant state of low expectations, but I am at the very least excited about the Dean and Cas friendship being explored more this season. Given the external reality, Dean, Cas, and Sam are going to have to work together to save the day. But Dean and Cas are not in a good place right now, and we're seeing the cracks in that relationship very clearly. They're still helping each other however they can, but Dean can't even properly check in with Cas - he asks him if he's okay, and then Cas says "yes, but - " and Dean interrupts him and walks away. It's awkward enough that Belphegor picks up on it. There's not a ton going on here yet, but I'm excited to track it as it does.

Holy nostalgia, Batman! This episode was truly for the fans, the ones who have seen every episode. And I'm good with that. Supernatural is a weird show for so many reasons, and one of those reasons is that it has a highly dedicated fan-base, and probably not very many casual viewers. This final season needs to be its own thing, in some ways, but it also needs to be a tribute to fifteen years on the air. We see lots of early season monsters, like the Woman in White and Bloody Mary. We see a return of a clown ghost, as Sam has to face down his worst fear. We get Sam and Dean standing at the back of the impala, and Sam says "we got work to do," and then the scene flickers to pilot Sam and Dean in the same position. And like... it's manipulative and it's trying to make me feel affection for this show, and it is WORKING. 100%. I'm all about it.

One thing I really admire about this episode is that it's just the good guys against a bunch of ghosts, but it doesn't feel like the stakes have been dramatically lowered either. As Sam says, what's one more apocalypse? Chuck is gone now, he's grown tired of the story and he's left them to their own devices. But that might be a good thing. If they've never really had free will up to this moment, they certainly have it now. I'm excited to explore the ramifications of that.

Sam's bullet wound has me WORRIED. Cas couldn't cure it, and he got weird flashes of evil within him when Cas tried. Is this foreshadowing a return of Lucifer? We already know that all of Hell has been opened up, which means that Michael - this world's Michael - could very well be on the loose. Are we going back to the brother vs. brother at the end of the world thing? Ten seasons later? I would honestly be pretty okay with that. It would certainly bring things full circle. I can't wait for all the pain and angst!

So that's where I'll stop. This episode did a good job of setting up stuff. All of the baddies that Sam and Dean have defeated over the years have suddenly returned. They've got to deal with that. Dean and Cas need to deal with their relationship. Jack is dead and his body is being used by this weird snraky "Crowley Jr." demon figure. Sam has been shot and the wound appears to be cursed in some way. There are lots of threads to explore moving forward, and so far I'm feeling excited and invigorated to find out where it all leads!

9/10

#review #supernatural #supernatural review #spn #spn 15x01

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veliseraptor · 5 years

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have you finished black sails? what did you think of the ending / silver's story?

I’ve been delaying answering this because it requires actual thought and my brain space has been, uh, kind of lacking.

I’m kind of torn on how I feel about the ending? I mean, in general I feel like the pacing of the last season felt rushed - was it canceled untimely? That was the sense I got of it, because the rest of the show was so meticulously well paced and then...

And I just...I don’t know, I didn’t find the resolution of John’s story satisfying, I guess? I was so there for slippery trickster asshole John Silver and we kind of lost that, and I mourn him. I love Madi, and I see what was going on there - the idea of breaking the cycle that otherwise couldn’t end - but I just don’t feel that into it.

I’m also not sure about how I feel about the conclusion of Flint’s story - at first I wasn’t sure about whether we’re meant to buy it? but I think we were, because of the drop of the information about the plantation earlier in the season. But that drop felt...so late in the game, and so pat in some ways, that it doesn’t really jive with me. But at the same time...I didn’t want to see Flint die, and I’m not sure there was any other way for him to break free of his cycle.

Also I am still grieving Charles Vane. Like, he had a good death? But still. Look, it just gets tiring when literally all your faves die.

What I am here for in this show thematically though is the questions of narrative and story and story-telling - the ways that those things can be used, abused, weaponized, questions of legacy, of crafting your own narrative and where those narratives spin out of your control. Mmm, that’s my jam.

Also I am really glad that Max, Anne, and Jack all made it out okay.

#black sails #black sails spoilers #anonymous #conversating

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whatdoesshedotothem · 3 years

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Thursday 21 July 1836

7 ¾

2 35

- No kiss much rain in the night - fair but dull and F57° at 8 50 am and out for ¼ hour - breakfast at 9 10 in about ¾ hour with Wood and Benjamin and Richard and after breakfast Samuel Booth and Jack Green (the 2 latter putting Northgate gravel on the 2 walks outside the middle garden door and Joseph Sharpe at this job after breakfast and then he and Robert Schofield and John Booth began clearing the walk) with Wood and c° at the pool till about 11 (bottoming the pool and throwing on Northgate gravel to full up crevices) then set a run and began shifting stuff from near the great sycamore to the high north bank of the Lowfish pond - 3 at that and took Wood and Jack Green to Low fishpond drain mouth - Wood found me just the stone I wanted to cover the opening, and this shewed me how to manage the thing - kept Wood ½ his dinner time and then gave him a shilling to drink - stood looking and considering -came in about 1 - sat with A- while she took a glass of wine and a biscuit - then hurried Booth on with the alterations in the beer-cellar - sided the low buttery and had Booth and 1 of his men preparing for sinking for the steps and making the communication between the beer cellar and phaeton-house cellar - till 4 then went out to the Low fishpond, and could not tear myself away till 6 ½ directed Wood how to sod up about the drain-mouth and get the job far and well advanced - dinner ordered today at 6 ½ - promised A- last night if she would dine at 6 ¾ or today at 6 ½ I would be punctual - she herself busy with Cookson in my store-room - dinner at 6 ¾ - coffee - at 8 (in spite of the rain) A- and I walked to Matty’s to see her make leavened bread - kneaded in a piece (about 1/3?) of leavened dough in 13 minutes - Matty’s cousin there - A- and I about 20 minutes there - sauntered up and down the Low fishpond walk, and in the garden till about 8 ¾ - then with my aunt and read the London paper till 10 - then had Cookson that she might go to bed - then wrote the above of today till 11 20 at which hour F51° - very showery or rainy morning and after till about 4 pm afterwards pretty fair till about 6 - showers afterwards - fair just now, but raining a little while ago - Letter tonight 3pp. and ends from M- Lawton - she has been laid up ‘with inflammation on the wind pipe for which blistering and severe remedies were used so as to leave me very weak and debilitated’ - her uncle and sister Louisa at Wiesbaden - thinks of taking her sister Ann and joining them - not to pother myself about M-‘s account - thinks she will only want fifty pounds at Xmas as she always intended and no more - from 11 ½ to 2 wrote 3pp. and under the seal (of ½ sheet) to Lady Stuart and ditto ditto ditto to Lady Stuart de Rothesay and 3pp. (of ½ sheet) to Lady Gordon - thank Lady Stuart for all the trouble she has taken about a courier - nothing plainer than the direction of her letter tho mis-sent to Halliford Esher ‘and I have only this moment read it, or you should have heard from me before – ‘I had fixed to be in London on the 13th - then counted upon being able to leave here on the 15th - then delayed till the 18th - but here I am; and after 3 days uncomfortable doubting, hoping, considering, I have just determined to wait the event of a few weeks, and then try to re-arrange my plans - Indeed, indeed, I am sadly anxious and unsettled - my aunt was so well a little while ago, I had no fear on her account - she has been falling off these last ten days - and I cannot think of leaving her just now - but you shall hear from me again soon - I shall see you, and be on the continent again as soon as I can, whenever that time may be - In the meanwhile it would grieve me to let slip a really good travelling servant one who might suit me, and stay with me; for, if I am once again at liberty, I hope no breach in the peace of Europe will prevent my visiting even the far-off countries you have heard me talk of - no one knows better the sort of servant I ought to have, than you do, and there is no one upon whose opinion I would more gladly rely than yourself - now that I have no George, I do not think of taking an English man-servant, - more particularly as I have an English maid, having been obliged to part with my French one, not for want of cleverness -If you are writing to Vere, may I beg you to give my love, and say, I will thank her for her letter in a day or two - I meant to have dined with her on the 12th - I will not think about disappointment, or how much it would have delighted me to spend a day or 2 with you - But after all, I think, or rather perhaps I feel as if I should see you before long - I hope you will be better for being near your medical man - Ever, dearest Lady Stuart, very affectionately yours A. Lister’ - my letter to Lady S. de R- the same in substance as to Lady S- mention the Italian named by Lady S- as having been taken by the Miss Berrys as a boy, and having travelled with Mrs. Frankland Lewis, Lord Brougham, etc and that I ‘would rather pay a few weeks in advance than be unprovided with a servant when otherwise ready for being off..... I should be thankful to anyone for a quick, clever, honest man - and it would be an agreeable surprise to owe any part of this obligation to the so talented ornaments of my own name’ - ask if Louisa is to have her choice of the tour this autumn, and when they will have time to spare for Italy - ... ‘How is Louisa after such a winter of dancing? and how is mamma? perhaps both might be the better for quiet, and air as good as that of St. Sauveur - what sad work is our Spanish valleys! Ever dear Lady Stuart very truly yours A. Lister’ my letter to Lady Gordon the same in substance as the 2 above as to my not leaving home and the courier - ‘I think and feel that she will be better, or that I may have more reason for remaining here much beyond Xmas - mention the courier named by Lady S- ‘you should know something about’ him - ask Lady G-‘s plans - ‘Perhaps we may meet somewhere - tho’ I fancy music will take you to Germany, and the fame of Italian skies, to say nothing of antiquities, may lure me southwards - If you write to me from Herefordshire, and give me the address of anybody who will frank my letter, you shall hear from me - I really begrudge putting you to the expense of postage - But remember I have not four lineal descendents (children all yours are too large to be called) and therefore I would rather pay for one line, than not hear from you at all - my love to your girls and to Cosmo when he arrives - Ever very truly yours A. Lister’

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nothingneverforever · 4 years

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Never Have I Ever (2020)

Hey, I think this is my first TV series ‘review’ ever! Well I did do a basically empty post on Unforgotten (season 1) back in Feb 2017, promising to write properly my full feelings down, but that was something I never got back to. It’s still one of the best TV shows ever in the whole world, so hopefully I have time for it some day.

Anyway, meanwhile Never Have I Ever (NHIE), is… absolutely not good. At all….

I’d decided to watch it after seeing Mindy Kaling’s Late Night (2019), which was surprisingly enjoyable and moving even, and not just because Emma Thomson is one of my favourite celebrities in this world. It was a fun movie, and it felt different (from other similar films) ! I say it was surprising because I guess due to misogyny or something, I never thought I had reason to take Mindy Kaling seriously. And I am so sorry for it! There were parts of the script (Late Night) that worked out so, so well.

Back to NHIE! First, here are some synopses I’ve found online of the series:

- The complicated life of a modern-day first generation Indian American teenage girl, inspired by Mindy Kaling's own childhood.

- After a traumatic year, an Indian-American teen just wants to spruce up her social status - but friends, family and feelings won't make it easy on her

- Episode 1: After recent trauma, Devi starts her first day as a high school sophomore determined to shake off old labels and finally become cool.

So I guess my first complaint about NHIE is a bone I could pick with just about any American production from the last, idk, 8 years. You know how when (for whatever reason) every single character is ‘awkward’ or ‘weird’ or sooo idiosyncratic in general, they just end up all being… almost exactly the same? Where all the over-used tropes, every character’s too-loud too-colourful unique defining traits just end up reading the same way, to me at least.

Need all characters be so strong, really? Strong as in, overly sapid, full-bodied, clearly defined, distinct in a way that actually isn’t unique at all… I mean I’m not asking for more Jack Maliks (from Yesterday, as reviewed here by me) cos fuk dat guy omfg hate him and his dull ass lol but … do you know what I mean? When every character has traits that are so instantly recognizable, so clear to the plain eye without need for any nuanced observation or interpretation that you can almost like .. see the literal line of text in Courier font for the character description in the screenplay flashing before your eyes? Like of course as viewers we do want to feel like we have some grasp of the characters we’re investing in and relating to but I think if traits and personalities and mannerisms are so simplistic (even if they are diverse) that the characters themselves can ve perfectly summed up in a nutshell then that’s not a good thing at all.. I don’t know, it just seems a very American thing that I’m tired of, where there’s just a complete dearth of authenticity and complexity. Because no one in real life is ever sooooo distinctly themselves 100% of the time you know? Sure, I haven’t seen something specifically catered for teens in a while so maybe it’s just genre-specific thing but I do think there was so much more room for more realistic characters here.

Okay but still, 90% of all comments I have trawled through (facebook, Instagram, youtube) seem to be from American teens, talking about how relatable the show is so I guess high school teachers really be out there acting like caricatures of their TV trope selves and friends are all awkward af among each other and quirky at home and quirky on the streets walking home and quirky in the corridors of their school and exaggerate every reaction in every ordinary situation. But here’s the thing, I don’t think people are actually this way. I think many of them pretend that they are, act like they are. I think here lies the danger: where the more media we have portraying this kind of intensely saturated characters and personalities, the more young people will think that to be ‘themselves’, they have to raise the decibels of each and every trait of their own… I dunno if you understand me? I think it’s an insidious feedback cycle not dissimilar to the manic pixie dreamgirl effect, not in how women’s quirkiness serves to bring out dormant sides of men but just in how people (especially girls because due to society-enforced insecurities are more susceptible to taking influence from popular role models) have to BE SO *INSERT ANY ADJECTIVE HERE* … I don’t know… it’s just inauthentic and tiring. So NHIE is okay, as long as it is makes clear that it’s caricaturizing different examples of how some people may act in different circumstances… but it doesn’t do this. Aiyah I know I’m making a huge deal out of what some people will obviously just take as entertainment and gags for laughs etc but… it’s annoying to me…

Okay

So I’m not sure if you got this from the synopses I’d copied above, so, again: NHIE revolves around a nice girl, Devi (15), who lost her father (heart attack, in the middle of the school hall where he was watching Devi perform at her school orchestra concert) last year and is now starting a new year of school, coping with the incident by stifling every single traumatic memory. Also there are some random throwaways here and there about her having literally become physically disabled for 3 months after her father’s death where Devi lost the ability to use her legs (psychosomatic reaction to her loss) but it’s only ever joked at in insignificant ways so I guess… we shall never know that side of her grief? But all this (grieving over dead father, impersonal relationship with stern mother etc) is mere backdrop, joining other backdrop themes like being a shitty friend from start to end in unbelievably shitty ways etc – the main ‘plot’ instead is made up of Devi’s desperate quest to have sex with Paxton, a 16 year-old ‘hottie’ from school who she likes, erm, because, hot.

Yea that’s it…… that’s the critique. She’s a 15 year old girl whose everyday actions (for the most part) are calculated to lead up to her deflowering by her crush. Not to be a prude but… is this an okay storyline? Like are 15 year-olds legally allowed to have sex? Lol… Am I under any misconception about what teens all over the world get up to? No. Do I think that the law plays any useful role in preventing young girls and boys from sexualizing themselves and wasting their time on sexual pursuits when they can and should be developing literally any other interest and skill? No. Am I still unhappy that this was the main motivating factor for Devi to get up and out of her home each day, unhappy that for this reason (her goal of sleeping with Paxton), unhappy that because of this she morphed into the worst, most unreliable and unrelatable friend ever to her besties who needed her badly??? Yes!

Look, I’ve covered relevant topics in my 4 years of social work education to understand Devi’s actions as unhealthy, maladaptive coping behaviours – we see Devi exhibit behaviours / thoughts etc evocative of basically all 4 stages of the Kubler-Ross grief cycle, besides the final stage of acceptance: denial, anger, bargaining, depression. If we look at Virginia Satir’s coping stances instead, (different types of behaviours people exhibit when under stress), Devi again displays all 4 stances: super reasonable (i.e. over-rationalizing something so as to avoid confronting/acknowledging the emotional truth), irrelevant (distracting, changing the topic, inappropriate jokes), placating (self-explanatory) and blaming (again, obvious). So basically, Devi does, says and feels anything and everything besides maturely coping with the loss of her father. Is this realistic? Yes! Does everyone work within their own timelines before finally coming to that final Kubler-Ross stage of acceptance? Absolutely! And I am not at all rushing Devi to act ‘normal’ or to display healthier coping mechanisms. I just wish the grief was handled so so so much better by Mindy Kaling and whoever else was involved in developing this story - this story that is honestly full of promise. In other words, how Devi fails to handle her grief could have been written so much better, so much deeper instead of her failings itself being the central form of entertainment for much of the 10 episodes.

Anyway, also, besides it being morally not okay for a 15 year-old’s thirst for sex to be an accepted plot point (accepted on- and off-screen I mean), the actors playing Devi and Paxton are 10 years apart in age. Devi (reminder: age 15 on-screen) is played by a lovely actress who is currently 18, and Paxton is played by someone who is currently 29. So like….. she would likely have been 17 at the time of shooting? That’s just not okay and I don’t think I need say more lol. Shit like this, miscasting your key heartthrob, is just so… cheapo and so late 90s/early 2000s you know where the actors are so so clearly adults playing high schoolers, it’s just… cheapo af and absolutely inexcusable now.

Okay, everything up to this point in my ‘review’ has just been small here-and-there thoughts I had while watching it, and I’ve dedicated fluffy paragraph after paragraph on them so as to delay speaking about my main issue with the series: how the central trauma is dealt with... insomuch as it isn’t, at all.

And I’m not just saying this as someone who’s fresh off having just re-watched A Single Man, because they are obviously intended as very different works and intentionally made of (made with?) very different calibers but there are, surely, much much better ways to handle grief than what we are given with NHIE where Devi tries her darnest to have sex with her dreamboat bae. Okay so early in the series (second episode), Devi actually does get with Paxton in his garage after propositioning him (by ambushing him outside school after he finished swim practice or something), but when he takes off her shirt she’s like ok nvm I cant have sex now bye. So yea, it doesn’t happen. But it continues to be her main source of distraction from her grief, so it does remain a central plot point. Anyway the therapist character in NHIE is a joke, full of age-old TV-therapist lines like “So how do you feel about that?” etc, other platitudes and hollow-isms. She does try to tell Devi that it is not in her interest to be putting her sense of self worth on being “bangable” (I do believe this was the exact word used, cant be bothered to find the exact minute in the speicifc episode but yea trust that Devi and her therapist are candid with speaking about her plans for deflowering and Devi is never willing to talk about anything else but), but … I don’t know, Devi’s schtick gets tiresome, not because I’m neuronormative and want to see more normal behavior from the dear girl or because I’m annoyed with how badly she’s handling her grief, but more because of how badly they (writers, producers whoever etc) are handling it.

Like, up till the very end, we see her irrelevant stances or proof of her denial as fodder for lame jokes and utterly cliché dialogue, in what should be a genuine and ‘real’ scene. It’s annoying!! See below for screencaps from slightly over halfway through the FINAL episode of the series - in other words, way, way too late for a joke to be made out of how Devi resorts to the same poor coping mechanisms in distracting from her grief. I’ve screenshotted only parts of the convo, leaving out the parts where this serious convo turns into a joke about Eleanor, that itself pretends to be deep and serious but it isn’t at all...?

Devi’s friends confront her about the most serious thing in the entire series (her needing to go down to her beach to meet her mom to scatter her dad’s ashes, something she hitherto has rejected as she is unable to face this final step in accepting his death but masks with more irrelevant excuses), and she’s still coping poorly by ‘deflecting’, as her friend rightly says. I don’t know about you, but this was not a scene I needed jokes in at all.

But then, like… suddenly…. Immediately after this she starts crying and everything is good for the first time and there is acceptance within her and some semblances of healing of the fractures in her relationship with her mom etc… I dunno, it’s just not cathartic at all, because Devi hasn’t been given enough of a journey at all. The 0 to 100 thing doesn’t work here because it’s not satisfying (for us) or realistic (for Devi) at all.

Re: the grief, I dunno, if we look at another, equally popular Netflix production, The Haunting of Hill House comes to mind. Yes, obviously not at all a meaningful or fair comparison to make but again, if it’s about a family dealing with grief and loss, why can’t we expect that NHIE carry the same gravitas? In Hill House, we see our characters fumble and lash out and ‘pop off’ (a term used in NHIE which I found strangely out of place) at one another, often, but never are manifestations of their grief, never are clear mishandlings of their grief on display for our entertainment in the form of laughs or ‘cringe’ purposes. It’s just...not everything has to be funny you know? Even if it’s a teen show. I think there are ways, subtle ways, expert ways for something to be serious without at all needing to be heavy.

Again, like my gripe with the childish and/or cheap caricatures of human personalities which would be okay if this series was clearly presented as light entertainment to fill gaps in one’s day, not handling the trauma and grief could (perhaps) be overlooked if it didn’t pretend that it would in fact handle it. But everyone’s discussing the show as if it genuinely was an incredible take on dealing with loss and trauma, as if it’s contributed significantly to understandings of how a young, beautiful lovely ‘normal’ schoolgirl can live and learn through extreme trauma… BUT THE SHOW DOESN’T DO THIS LIKE IT LITERALLY DOESN’T AT ALL I FUCKING SWEAR…. Please watch all 10 episodes and show me even just ONE minute where we come full circle from anything, where Devi grows through her pain and where her journey is developed over more than just literally the last 7 minutes of screentime in the very last episode of the entire series. And I’m also seeing soooooo many comments from people who have enjoyed the series mention how fun and lighthearted it was, how comfortable they are to categorize the series as comedy and how great a time they had binge-watching it. But… it’s not funny? Like it’s really not lol… Devi is dealing with a most painful, urgent grief, having lost her father tragically a year before (and having to see him go before her very eyes). Her denial, her various-aforementioned-unhealthy-coping-mechanisms-and-maladaptive-behaviours made for painful watching for me. It shouldn’t be funny for us to see her abandon her friends when they most needed her; it shouldn’t be fun to see her lash out at her mom and dream of Paxton shirtless, these shouldn’t be comedic externalities of her situation at all. Does this mean I want an utterly dour, extremely humourless NHIE instead? Not at all! I just wish scenes / examples of her mishandling her grief were not the same ones that are supposed to make us laugh and think that everything is light and fun. Like, we can have other funny scenes featuring Devi instead you know? Things that aren’t actually incredibly harmful to her psyche.

ANYWAY

Some positives, cos I did enjoy this stupid series lollll and I did cry and I did laugh and I did look forward to watching it every evening while I exercised, okie? :)

There is one honestly genius thing that I like, where the genius lies in its utter randomness. The series (save for one episode which I will not talk about cos I don’t really give a shit about Andy Samberg and whoever his inclusion was pandering to) was narrated by John McEnroe, who, er, apparently is a well-known American tennis player. The only tennis player I know is Andre Agassi because for some reason in 2016 I borrowed from the library and read cover-to-cover his autobiography omg actually why on earth did I even do that lol I must have read somewhere that it was good perhaps? Anyway it is still recognized as one of the most ‘interesting’ or iconic sports autobiographies of all time so. But yea John McEnroe who?? He (John) is mentioned here and there as having been Devi’s late father’s favourite tennis player – which still does nothing to explain how and why he is narrating the whole series, which is great! I do enjoy the no-attempt-made to connect the fact of his narration to anything in the plot. But it’s not done in an annoyingly absurdist way either, you know? It just it what it is. I mean I guess if I’d written the screenplay which was in part autobiographical, I’d too love to have LeBron James or Megan Rapinoe narrating it, just because!

Ultimately, I think we must all acknowledge how fucking epic it is for Mindy Kaling to be where she is today. That Netflix approached her and asked for a story from her heart, drawing from her own life, and gave her the boundary-less freedom to write what she wanted is cool. She may not be the voice I think teens (or any audience really) may most need but they certainly do want this voice – NHIE is so so so loved and appreciate across the board – by adults, kids, diasporic Indian girls, normal non-minority-race girls etc, with everyone calling (begging) for another season, and anyway Mindy Kaling is probably about 1000000x better anyway than others who have been granted the same stage and presence as her before, like, I dunno, Michael fucking Bay or fucking James Cameron so yay her !!! For the sake of us all!

--------

update, a few hours later:

so since forcing Jade to read my post the second it went up, i have learnt that:

So there goes the one singular uniquely cute thing I did appreciate about NHIE then i guess, seeing as his random feature throughout the series isn’t unique at all... seeing as unexpectedness makes for a predictable part of his record, it is no longer charming to me. lol bye!

0 notes

c9sneaksen-blog · 7 years

Text

Incorrect paperwork and miscommunication lead the team to believe they’ve lost someone that they feel incomplete without…

A/N - this went from a 2000 word idea to a 10,000 slug fest of of feels and emotions. Enjoy the angst! Lots of cameo’s from other teams in this - mainly TSM ^^ :D

-Delayed Arrival-

Day One - Three AM

“Fuck, why did his flight have to come in at such a ridiculous time of the morning?” Zach wrapped his arms around his shoulders and tried his best to stop yawning. “It’s too early to be out of bed on a Saturday.”

“You didn’t have to come Sneaks.”

“Perish the thought, I have had to ordeal six weeks without this monkey, I want as many seconds as I can to whine at him at how boring it’s been without him and how dare he go on a holiday without m- us.”

There were numerous eye-rolls from the team at this, and a muttered just loud enough for Zach to hear.

“You just need to admit it already.”

“Admit what?” Zach’s sheepish grin was enough for anyone to know he knew actually what Impact was talking about. He just wasn’t going to admit it - not now, not probably ever, because that was only due to fail.

“Whatever man, come out we have to get the gate.” Shaking his head Jack consulted the piece of paper one final time before leading his team off to the gate where there missing mid laner should be arriving any minute. The whole team didn’t have to come by any means, yet they were here anyway. Jack wasn’t too sure if he was expecting anything less.

The gate was busy as expected, people were milling about in groups, looking confused and irate. The plane, which should have already landed was nowhere in sight. Airport security lined the gate, personal and important looking people in suits stood with them.

“What in the world is going on?” Ever the productive one, it was Andy that made his way through the crowds towards the security and the staff, looking a little despondent at seeing how serious they all looked. “Excuse me, could you let me know what is happening here?”

“Are you waiting for a passenger from Flight DN72 direct from Copenhagen?”

“Of course, that is why we are here.”

“There are others with you?“

“Yes, just over there-” Andy made hand motions towards where the rest of the team were, some of them waving back and giving him looks of confusion. “Our friend was on the flight, he’d been in Denmark visiting family, has something happened?”

“Please go stand with your other friends, a member of staff will come speak to your directly soon.”

That did not sound good. Airline staff did not just go out of their way to speak to people individually, if it was something simple, like a delay of time or a grounding due to weather they would just announce it generally. They wouldn’t need all this security, they wouldn’t need to be so… tense. Something was certainly wrong, Andy could sense it, and he didn’t like it.

“So - what’s going on?”

“Someone is going to come and speak to us directly, I don’t like the sound of that.”

“Directly - why would they even….”

The sentence, and any other conversations were suddenly cut out by a loud, painful wail. Nearer the gate an older women had fallen to her knees, clutching onto her chest as she screamed and cried. A member of the airport security knelt down beside her, a steady and firm hand on her shoulder. All around them, people were having the same reactions.

“Excuse me, you are all here for a passenger on the Copenhagen flight.”

All they could do was wordlessly nod, perhaps realizing what news was about to come.

“I am sorry, there is no easy way to tell you this, an hour ago we lost contact with the flight. A short time ago the wreckage was found, at this stage, there looks to be no survivors-”

At this point the conversation trailed off for most of them. Jack pushed his way forward, somehow blocking out the scream running through his head to pull the attendant away to talk to him away from his team. They didn’t need to know details, they didn’t need to hear a monotone voice that sounded like a voice recorder.

Behind him, Jack could hear, and even sense the team breaking - slowly, one by one as the barriers all shattered. The stubborn want to be the one to hold it together wasn’t enough. He could hear the whispers, shocked, confused, the refusal and denial of something like this happening. But then the whispers turned to silence, the silence turned to choking sobs of pain.

He turned away from the attendant and back to his team in time to see Zach completely crack. Collapsing to the ground with Andy’s arms wrapped around him in some attempt of comfort as Zach broke down, gripping Andy so hard his knuckles were white, sobbing so much his whole body shock.

“No… no, this can’t be - this can’t be happening, I - no… no…”

Four and a half thousand miles away, oblivious to what was happening back home, Jensen slept restlessly across a couch in the Copenhagen Airport, his bag haphazardly thrown on the floor in front of him, his phone flashing in and out of brightness on top of it.

‘Stupid airline mucked up my flight and it was oversold - trying to figure out how to get home. Might be a few more days, don’t try to miss me too much xox’

The message sending continued to load, spiraling quicker and quicker as the phone continued to flicker. It gave one final burst of light, the whole screen filling with static before finally turning off. The text, although marked as sent on the phone, was completely lost. It did not reach it’s destination.

Day One - Nine AM

He didn’t even get why he always took so much stuff with him when he went back home for the holidays. Unpacking was the worst thing to him imaginable and yet he did it to himself every six months. Finally he was unpacked though, it had only taken him a solid three days. It was good to back however, somehow this house was beginning to feel a lot more like home than his parents place ever could.

It was still two weeks before the split started too, which meant he had plenty of time to catch up with his team mates. And play some solo que, in fact it would be a good time to finally get some streaming in - he had missed that while he had been on holiday.

“Morning Vince.”

It came to no surprise to the mid laner that the support was already up - it normally was just the two of them in the earlier morning. He didn’t expect to see the rest of the team for another hour at least, maybe more seeming they had no schedule to keep.

“Bjerg!” He was greeted with a warm smile, Vincent came barreling over to him, phone in hand and a look of concentration on his face. “Did you see this - I had a mild panic attack when I did but then I was all, wait you’re already home - it’s all good.”

With a small confused frown, Soren looked down at the headline Vincent had up on his phone, something in him kind of broke as he drew in a sharp breath. At first it had just seemed like a normal, if not horrid, article about a plane crash, but then he read the details, the airline the flight had been with, where it had come from, it’s destination.

“You and Dennis flew with that same airline right? Scary.”

“Vince…” Soren’s voice cracked, his words felt so heavy as they left his mouth. “We’re not the only ones that were returning home this week…” Taking a deep breath he looked over at Vincent who had just frozen, all happiness and light-hardheartedness gone, replaced by a look of someone that wanted to throw up. “There was a reason why the start of split party they invited us to was tonight…”

Suddenly very, very pale Vincent’s voice was stretched as he tried his best to sound optimistic. “It doesn’t mean he was on that flight…”

“There’s only the one - I… I could be wrong but can I?” Soren shook his head. “If I call them what the hell do I say?”

“I don’t think you’ll need to say anything, if any of them even answer their phone - you’ll just know.”

He never imagined, in his even worst nightmare that this would be a call he would have to make. He didn’t even know WHO to call at first, because if this was true they would probably be all a mess. Zach was most certainly out of the question, and he didn’t really think the other team members would be even better. In the end he found himself dialing Jack’s number. Not because he thought he wouldn’t be upset, he just probably was the one keeping it the most together at this stage.

Soren didn’t even need to ask, Jack answered him straight away.

“You saw the news…”

“I - fuck we did. I thought, I hoped I had remembered wrong.”

“No… no you remembered right.”

“I…. are you guys home?”

“What yes we-”

“We’re coming over.”

“We - Soren you don’t need to.”

“Yes I do, yes we do - you guys need people now, and we’re going to be it.”

“I don’t think I-”

“No arguments, I’m coming - and I’m bringing the team with me - see you soon.”

He wasn’t taking no for an answer, as much as hearing the news had rocked and completely shattered him Soren knew at this time they needed some sort of rock, some sort of strength to hold onto. He could be, his team could be that - until they had time, until they somehow managed. Soren could grieve his own way for his friend later, once he helped them.

“I’ll get the team up.” Vincent had heard all he needed from Soren’s end of the phone call. His mid laner was right, there was something they could do to help right now and they would do it. If if that it was as simple as just being there - it was something - and they will do it with gusto. “Met you out front in five.”

Normally getting the whole of TSM up in five minutes was a stupid and the notion of it actually happening was laughable.. This morning, however was different, Soren soon found himself in the team’s van, packed with tired, shocked, team members on the way to the C9 team house.

They got there quicker than normally, no one mentioned that they probably broke a few speeding limits on their way - no one cared at this point. The quicker they got there the all better for it. When they did get there however, an odd feeling overcame them as they seemed to walk up to the door in a thick fog of confusion.

What did they say? What did they do? Could they actually make anything better?

The door was unlocked, more so than that - it had been left slightly ajar almost as if no one bothered, or cared to close it. Not that they blamed them in the kind of state they were in. Kevin made sure to shut the door behind him, cringing slightly as the sound, although quiet, echoed around the cold silence.

The house, was normally one of the warmest places you could find yourself was a shell of itself. As TSM made there way into the house, into the main lounge they were greeted by the sight of their friends looking like they had no idea what to do, what they were doing and what they could do at this stage.

Vincent made the first move, moving over to the couch, nodding to his fellow support as he sat down beside him. “Hey.”

“You guys actually came?”

“Of course, not going to let you all go through this alone.” Vincent sighed, placing a hand on Andy’s shoulder. “Just… let us do whatever we need us to, I know you probably are unsure what that is right now but we’re here to do it.”

“Thank you I don’t know… we’re all just, floating? I don’t know, we haven’t really spoken about it.” Andy looked around the room, noticing that some of the team weren’t even here, retreating to their rooms to find some kind of explanation of what had happened. His eyes, however fell on one person in particular, sitting alone, on the floor in the corner of the room. “It’s hit Zach the worst, he - he hasn’t even moved.”

Vincent made a very unsubtle head tilt towards Zach on the ground, watching in relief as Kevin made his way over to the carry. Not many people knew this, but Kevin was probably the kindest person he actually knew, underneath all that smug behavior was someone the whole team turn to - it was fitting that he was the one heading to Zach. If anyone could find the right thing to say it would be him.

Zach didn’t even flinch or make any indication that Kevin had sat down beside him. He continued to stare straight ahead, his eyes red rimmed, his chin resting on his pulled up knees. The only sign of life in him was the small sharp breaths in between the small sniffs and hiccups as he attempted to stop crying.

“There’s nothing I can say, do - nothing at this time that’s going to make you feel better. And I really hate that, that there’s just nothing - I have to sit here and watch you go through all this - all of you. But I have to, I have to tell you one thing - Zach, you can’t, you can’t try to stop it - it just doesn’t work.”

He flinched slightly at this, turning his head to look at Kevin, a burning question in his eyes. “Why? What does it accomplish, me sitting here - fucking destroyed isn’t enough, I have to cry as well? It’s not like it will bring him back, it’s not like it will make it any better - I don’t get anything out of it, I don’t get to be okay…”

“I know, but in one, five - ten years, you want to remember him without this burning pain and hate in your chest. Something that will build up if you just bottle it all up…”

“I can’t, I can’t let go because I don’t know if I will be able to stop if I do….”

“That’s okay, I’m not going anywhere.”

There was a subdued silence between them, the air thick with grief and turmoil. It took awhile, minutes had quickly snuck past like they were nothing but slowly, softly, Zach moved ever so closer to Kevin - shivering slightly as their arms touched.

“You know what the worst part is, if that’s even a right thing to say.” With every word Zach leaned closer and closer to the top laner, his words choking and stuttering more and more with tears.

“I never - I… never got to tell him how… how I feel.”

It was all that needed to be said as the mask broke and the floodgates opened.

Kevin found himself with Zach basically in his lap, arms wrapped tightly around the smaller brunette as he cried bitterly into his shoulder. There was nothing he could say, nothing he could do. So he just held him, he just ran fingers through his hair and he just let him be. He just let him cry.

Day One - One PM

“You don’t have anything more direct?” Jensen tried to hide his yawn as he consulted with the ticket agent. In his hand he held not the one, but three tickets. A flight to Vancouver, and then Vancouver to New York, and then a long bus ride across states to get back home. It was a bit of a joke really, but Jensen was way too tired and frustrated for a joke.

“I’m sorry sir, all direct flights have been cancelled due to a… flight path change.”

He wasn’t been told all the information, he knew that much - and he kind of hated it. But then, being too tired for jokes also meant that he was too tired to argue. He should have been home by now, he should be with his team, his family, his friends.

“You’re not making me pay for any of this - are you?”

“No Sir, of course not - we will pay for this mistake and make sure you arrive home safely.”

The way she said safely didn’t really sit well with Jensen, the way she was flustered and kept looking back and forth, hoping he wouldn’t ask her any questions. He didn’t want to make her feel miserable, she was after all doing her job - and anything had happened behind the scenes to get him here it wasn’t like it was her fault.

“Okay, thank you - when do I first leave.”

“You flight leaves later on this afternoon. You will depart at 4pm, and arrive at Toronto roughly twelve hours later.”

“Right.” Jensen consulted his tickets. “Then six am for the connecting flight and then the bus.”

“Yes Sir, I am sorry we could not get you one any quicker flights, we are very full this time of year.”

“It’s okay - I’m sorry if I seem angry, I just want to get home.”

“Understandable Sir, if you make your way over to the lounge we will happily provide a lunch for you and a space to relax before your flight.”

“Thank you.”

With a deep sigh Jensen made his way over to the lounge indicated by the attendant, staring at his phone and hitting it on the back in attempt to get it to work.Nothing - all Jensen got was a black screen and a small vibrate in an attempt at working. Looks like he would just have to wait to get home to see his friends.

At least they knew he was safe and on his way, he was glad he had managed to get that final text out to Zach before his phone had decided to do… whatever this was. Jensen just had no idea that the text never got to Zach, he had no idea that right now, they thought he was the exact opposite of safe.

Day One - Three PM

“I finally got Zach asleep, although I doubt he will stay that way for much longer - and he’ll probably freak out when he wakes up so someone should keep an eye on him.”

“I’ll do it - you already have done enough Kevin, you should have some rest yourself.”

“You, shouldn’t you be having some time to yourself for this?”

Soren cringed, Kevin may have been right about that but he couldn’t let that happen. He said he would be here for his friends and that is exactly what he would do. There was no point in breaking down now and cracking. He had to wait, maybe in a few days - maybe when he was alone and not around anyone else who was broken.

He didn’t want to add to their distress and pain - they already had enough.

Besides, all what Soren really wanted to do right now was scream in Danish, and that wasn’t helpful to anyone. He was pretty sure it wouldn’t even be helpful to him but at this point he didn’t really care, at this point yelling and screaming was all he wanted to do. After he was away from them of course.

“What’s all this?”

The team all turned at the same time, perfectly in sync at Jack’s question as he walked into the kitchen.

“Ah food?” Peter replied with a small tilt of his head. “We know you guys are horrible at this at the best of times so we thought getting food ready and preparing meals would be a good thing. You have to eat, don’t think we didn’t notice you all skipped lunch.”

“But - but there was no food in the… you brought all this?”

“Don’t think anything of it - we want to help. And this is one of the smaller ways we can do so.”

Jack just continued to stare at the team in shock, not really sure what to say back. A small part of him had kind of expected something like this, but not of this magnitude, and not by all of them. He was astonished at how much they were willing to help, then again, sometimes Jack let the whole rivalry thing get to him. With how much it was all pushed and published it was easy to forget that they were all friends.

“You need to stop questioning that we’re here, or why we are here.”

Soren grabbed a plate of food ready and made his way away from the kitchen and towards Zach’s room. He carefully made his way in and decided to take a seat on the floor, his back leaning against the wall the furthest away from the bed to give Zach some room.

“I don’t have to be baby sitted you know, it’s not like I’m going to do anything stupid.”

“I thought you were asleep.”

“I am very good at pretending when I need to.”

Soren bit his lip. “Do you want to be left alone?”

“I - I don’t know, a part of me does, but then - a part of me want someone here, just in case-” Zach sighed, pulling himself up and leaning against the back of the bed, his eyes looking anywhere but Soren. “It hurts too much to think about him, but then - I don’t want to stop, I don’t want to cut it all out. I don’t know if that make sense.”

“It does - I feel the same way.”

Zach finally looked over at him, his eyes questioning, searching. Soren stared back, the and Zach wondered if he looked just as tired as Soren did - maybe more? Maybe it would be good if he did stay, not just for Zach, but for both of them.

“Could - Could you stay, I mean, you don’t have to but I would really appreciate it.”

“Okay then, I’m not going anywhere.”

A silence fell over the two of them, Soren closing his eyes and resting his head back onto the wall. It wasn’t long before shuffling was heard and Zach made his way over to him, sliding down the wall beside him and silently beginning to nibble on the food that had been brought in.

“It’s really… nice of you all to come - I mean especially seeming we didn’t tell anyone.”

“Vincent saw it on the news this morning, I figured it out.” Soren took a deep breath. “I… both Dennis and I flew home with the same airline, only a few days before…”

“I - that’s…” Zach stopped, somehow his grief just paused for moment as he stared at Soren. Surely he was hurting too, yet here he was - stoic, strong for them - for him. “How are you doing?”

“Ha - we’ll worry about me later.”

“But-”

“Me screaming Danish isn’t going to help anyone Sneaks.”

“It will help you…”

With a small grin, Soren shifted, moving so that he and Zach were side by side. Zach taking the hint and snuggling into the mid lander, letting Soren wrap an arm around him. “Maybe, it will probably just make it worse… but I’d rather that than…”

“Than holding it in and letting it destroy you.”

Soren laughed, shaking his head, “Something like that.”

Day One - Six PM

Juan ignored the knock on the door, even the sound of it opening as he continued to lay on his bed, his eyes screwed up shut as tight as he could as his thoughts flew quickly through his mind. He didn’t want to see anyone, he didn’t want to talk to anyone- he didn’t want to do anything but sit here - try to forget everything and just let the darkness of his room encase him. Apparently, someone didn’t want him to do that however - and as much as Juan knew they meant well, right now - He. Just. Couldn’t. Cope.

He felt the bed move underneath him and tried his best not to move, maybe he could convince whoever it was that he was asleep, maybe if he didn’t say anything they wouldn’t either. Maybe if he didn’t move they would just leave him alone to lay here in darkness, to do nothing - to feel nothing.

“I’m not leaving until you come and eat something Mister - everyone else has gathered in the lounge… even Zach’s out there.”

Zach, no. No he didn’t need to be reminded about how shattered his friend was, how heartbroken and destroyed he was. No, Zach had kind of been like a big brother to him ever since he joined, he couldn’t see him so distraught. Zach was supposed to be the strong steady one. It was wrong, all so wrong…

“You don’t have to talk to anyone, or even look at anyone - you just… have to come out Juan - you have to feel.”

That snapped something in him.

“No, no I fucking don’t need to feel, I don’t need… I…”

“But you’re angry - that’s a feeling right there.”

Juan made a face at this, finally opening his eyes and pushing himself into a sitting position to face the person who was sitting on his bed. The nineteen year old made a face at the TSM AD carry sitting on his bed, looking at him with a deep set concern.

“If I go out will you stop looking at me like that.”

“Depends, will you actually eat something?”

Juan just rolled his eyes at Peter, who decided not to take any of the younger players anger and annoyance personally. He couldn’t really blame him, Peter was also the kind of person that would hide behind anger, which really, meant he wasn’t the best person to lecture him about this - but he was all the kid got.

“Come on, I know you guys hate hearing it, but you can’t just, not feel - and you especially can’t not eat.”

“Can you please stop making sense, it makes being angry at you harder.”

Peter laughed, reaching out and hitting the jungler softly on the shoulder. “Come on - you guys need to do this as a team, and that can’t happen when you’re moping in here - go mope out there instead.”

Juan sighed, running his hand through his hair. “I can’t just sit in here and pretend it didn’t happen?”

Peter would never admit it to anyone, but at that moment a small piece of his heart cracked.

“No, I’m afraid you can’t.”

Day One - Eleven PM

“Why did you leave me, why didn’t you come back like you said you would - look what happened!”

All what Jensen could do was stare, not even sure if his voice could be found to answer the brunette. He had ran towards Zach as soon as he saw him - and he couldn’t stop it, in fact it was like he was running and he wasn’t going anywhere - like running on the spot.

“Why the hell weren’t you here - answer me!”

“Zach I-”

Reaching out a hand even took a large amount of effort, his muscles pulled and screamed at him and his head seemed to burst in pain. But he couldn’t stop, he had to keep going - Zach needed him, he was in pain and he needed him.

“Why weren’t you here?”

The angry Zach was suddenly replaced by a terrified one, a defeated one, sitting on his knees, surrounding by the darkness that Jensen hadn’t realized had descended on them. The brunette just looked up at Jensen, tear stained eyes as he shook his head.

“Why did you leave me?”

“I didn’t, I couldn’t Zach … Zach!”

Jensen gave a cry of shock, reaching forward and grasping thin as air as he sat bolt upright, almost falling off the chair and into the aisle. For a horrible few seconds he didn’t even remember where he was. Fear gripping him - breaths coming in deep gasps it took a kind and soft word from one of the other passengers to calm him down.

“Hey - are you alright, that didn’t look like a very pleasant dream.”

“Dream, yes I, I… I left him and I, no… I’m heading home.” Jensen shook his head trying his best to rid the cobwebs in this mind, the blurring thoughts of the dream and reality. “That just felt so… real.”

“Must be someone you care very deeply for, were you away for long?”

The calming voice of the other passenger was helping Jensen cement himself in reality.

“I didn’t think it was long, but I guess my subconscious thought otherwise.”

“Subconscious huh? Is that what you kids are calling it these days when you don’t want to admit it.” The comment was accompanied by a small chuckle and the offer of a glass of water to the still shaking Jensen. “You should drink and eat something, you slept through the dinner - we’ll be arriving soon.”

“Thank you - I will be glad to be that one step closer to home.”

He couldn’t understand why his heart was suddenly beating so fast. Then again, maybe he could, and maybe he just didn’t want to admit it. He had squashed down those feelings a long, long time ago and he had no plans on bringing them up again. If every admit at flirting lead to nowhere there was just no point anymore, he was tired of trying. Still, the feelings and butterflies bubbled and they sat on the surface and they mixed with utter horror of what his tired brain had come up with.

All he wanted right now was to be home with the people he cared about the most.

Day Three - Nine AM

He sunk into the couch, a large, tired, sigh escaping his lips as he draped his arm across his forehead and closed his eyes. Maybe if he stayed like this everything would just rewind and go back to normal. And there would be no pain and horror and no deep seated anger that filled him as he thought of what had happened. But in all honesty he wasn’t actually angry he was just horrified, and sad, really, really sad.

“What happened to locking yourself in a room and screaming swear words only one of us can understand?”

“Suddenly that seems like too much effort.” Soren opened his eyes to see his whole team staring down at him, he wondered if he looked as tired as they all did. “Besides, doing things was easier, it meant you didn’t have to think - thinking makes it worse.”

“Aren’t we all just hypocrites, there were telling them that they had to think and here we are…” Dennis shook his head, said something in Danish that made Soren laugh dryly as the jungler joined his mid laner on the couch. “So we are just going to sit here awhile?”

“That’s the plan - they’re good there now, we, we can be here.”

It was true, about half way through yesterday the door had been flown open and the whole of Flyquest plus a few others from the LCS had came barreling through the door. Liam especially had been set on taking charge, he had demanded why no one had told him or anyone else that use to be on the team, announced that he would be there for his family and had proceeded to take charge.

It was the bot lane of CLG that had walked in on the whole of TSM running around in the kitchen that had told them to go home and get some rest, to leave it to them - to pass it on. The team had basically been pushed out the door, but not before receiving a large thank you hugs from C9. There had been a lot of tears and a lot of chaos, everything had happened so quickly.

But now it was quiet - now it was nothing, and they had all the time in the world to think. To ponder, to feel.

Day Three - Twelve PM

“I’m sorry I, I’ve been super clingy and surrounded by everyone since… since it happened and I - just want to be alone, for awhile. Please, it’s going to happen eventually, I just need to think without someone staring at me waiting for me to break down…”

“We don’t mean for you to feel like that Zach…”

“I know, it’s just - I need some space.” Liam gave Zach one last hug, smiling softly as he did so. “You’ve changed a lot you know - you’ve grown. When I left the team, back then, you wouldn’t have had the strength to do this - now you do.”

Zach shook his head as he pulled out of the hug. “That…. That was all him.”

With a small nod in understanding Liam left his ex team mate alone in his room, making sure to close to the door behind him to give the privacy that Zach had requested. The grief had hit Zach hard and fast and now he was trying to go through the stages faster, Liam knew he had to let him be - but it still hurt.

Alone for the first time since they had returned from the airport Zach tried to push back the horrible feeling of being suffocated as he stood in his room, taking deep, calming breaths as he closed his eyes. So many days like this were to come, so many times he will have to be strong by himself. He could do this, he had to do this.

“How, how do I do this - where do I start.” Slumping onto his bed Zach ran a hand through his hair and gave a small chuckle. “It was always you, that had the plans and answers, I know I never said it or mentioned it - but I followed your lead… and I always worried when you followed mine.”

Zach chuckled slightly although it sounded hollow in the empty room. “And now you have me talking to myself, well you always said I was crazy… God I miss you, I mean I missed you as soon as you left but now… now all I have is a horrid feeling of never getting to see you. Now the missing will never go away…”

He got to his feet and began to pace around his room. His eyes always quickly glancing over the wall near his computer, something that was never shown on stream was the photo wall that Zach had created over the past few years. He didn’t care to admit that they mainly consisted of Jensen.

“I’ve never been a believer in these kind of things - with people being able to hear you, with them being with you…. But I have to now, I have to otherwise I won’t survive. I have to believe that wherever you are, whatever happened, you can hear me - and… and you’re missing me just as much as I’m missing you.”

Zach stopped, finally turning towards his photo’s he took a deep breath and walked over to them, his eyes finding as many pictures of his smile as he could. His heart tore and sung at the same time, he would have to get used to that - it was a weird feeling.

“I’m sorry, I never had the courage to admit it to you - but I loved you… I love you - and I’m going to struggle to do this without you but I… I guess I’ll try, for you - if you give me the strength.”

Day Three - Four PM

Jensen groaned as the whole bus jumped slightly in the air, hitting a pothole in the middle of the road. He was tried, hungry and getting just that little irritable. He felt like he hadn’t rested in days, he felt sticky and sweaty, and he felt like just the smallest thing would set him off. He had deliberately sat away from any over customers on the bus - not wanting to snap at someone for something as simple as talking to him.

The only people he wanted to talk to right now were his team - and even them maybe after a good sleep and a nice hot shower. The midlaner hated it when he got like this, he had such a short fuse when he was tired and it had blown up with unsuspecting people before. Sleep was the only cure and that was not an option with this stupid bus and the stupid bumpy road and the stupid sticky warmness of a bus with no windows and broken AC.

The bus jumped again and Jensen let out a loud murmur of curse words in Danish - he tried to ignore the way people turned to look at him in confusion, and the one small chuckle of laughter from someone up the front that had obviously understood him.

He just closed his eyes, trying his best to push away any angry thoughts and focus on the fact that he was almost, almost, home. He was so close to finally seeing his friends, his family. And finally, he would stop having these stupid thoughts and daydreams. Ever since he had fallen asleep on the plane he had visions of such occurrences while awake as well.

His stupid heart and emotions were really going at it - and he hated that he couldn’t control it. Every Time he closed his eyes in an attempt to get some sort of semblance of rest visions instead would appear, different scenarios of the horrid dream he had - flashbacks to all the times he had tried to show his feelings.

Awhile ago he had resigned to the fact that Zach and him weren’t going to happy - there was no way. He had given up, let it passed, and continued to flirt (because it was just so natural) without expecting anything in return. And yet, ever since he had missed his plane his whole resolve had broken, it was like that decision he had made never existed - like he suddenly thought he had a chance again.

It was stupid to even think about - and Jensen was looking forward to getting back, fitting back into the same routine with Zach and reminding his feelings and heart that there was no chance. The quicker he reminded himself it was a pipe dream and he should stop waiting the better.

Ruining what they already had wasn’t worth it.

Day Three - Six PM

There was just a small inkling of concern as Jack made his way through the house trying to find any indication of where his team was. Everyone else had left a while ago, apparently the team had dismissed them all, thankful for the help but ready to have a little bit of alone time. He was proud of them for making that step but he was also concerned about the fact that he couldn’t find them.

The house was dark, from the lounge to the kitchen to the scrim and game room - there wasn’t any sign of the team. Not until eh saw the light coming from Zach’s room - and the small sound of something that he didn’t think he would ever hear from the long standing member for a long time - laughter.

Jack silently poked his head around the corner of Zach’s room and a small smile formed on his face at the sight of the whole team squashed on the AD’s bed - surrounded by photographs and pieces of paper.

“What is wrong with your face?”

“Ouch, Impact man - cold.” Zach hit his top laner hard on the shoulder, pouting as he held out a photo that he didn’t even remember taking. It was a group one, and to be honest, Impact had made a good point - Sneaky had attempted a cheeky grin - it looked more like he was hiding a pretty dark secret. “At Least I tried to smile, unlike you who just sits there with no emotion.”

The top laner gave him a small hit back. “I’d rather have no emotion than look like an idiot.” It was him that looked up and noticed Jack grinning at them from the doorway. “What are you looking at?”

“I just-” Jack held up his hands and walked in, his heart kind of glowing as he saw the way that Juan and Andy were happily looking through official photo’s of the team from last years split - talking quickly at remembering the game. “I’m just really happy to see you guys… together.”

“We realized something.” Andy commented as the rest of the team nodded in agreement.

“Oh.”

“He would hate the fact that we stopped being together.”

“He’ll call us all idiots for crying so much, I mean - we all know his view on it.”

“And…” Zach blushed, a small smile on his face. “He’ll want us to laugh, and to be happy… so, we’re trying.”

Jack grinned, plopping himself down by Zach and picking up one of the photo’s. “Yeah you are.”

It wasn’t perfect, because it was still a little forced - but it was something - it was a start.

Day Three - Nine PM

Jensen stumbled into the front door with a small curse and a confused mutter as he fumbled around for the light switch, Since when were any members of his team in bed at this hour, it was unheard of, surely they would still be up gaming - but it was very rare that at least one of them weren’t in the main lounge at this point. The house looked dead, unused, and it caused Jensen to shiver slightly - something was wrong.

“Hello - guys?” Jensen threw his rather useless phone on the couch and dropped his bag unceremoniously on the ground as he walked further into the lounge, flicking on lights as he went. “Seriously, where is everyone, since when did we actually all listen to Jack and get some decent sleep - geez.”

The room looked like it hadn’t been used in days, nothing sat on the table in the middle of the room, gone where the numerous hoodies and jackets that could be normally found thrown over the furniture, no dishes, no books or personal items -it was really starting to freak him out.

Jensen was moments away from storming into one of their rooms, just to make sure that they were actually home, when the sound of someone walking caught his attention. The light was suddenly flicked on in the hallway leading up to the main gaming room and Jensen turned to find himself face to face with Andy.

“There you are - I was thinking you guys had all disappeared or something I… what’s wrong?”

Andy’s eyes had gone wide, his face completely pale and his whole body began to shake. The drink he was holding fell out of his hand and crashed to the floor, the glass shattering and the contents spilling all over his feet. He didn’t seem to care, he just continued to stare at Jensen in complete shock.

“Jensen what, how….is that really you?”

Jensen had never heard Andy sound so scared, and his worry increased.

“Of course it’s me, come on man why are you looking at me as if you think I don’t exist or something.”

Andy just shook his head, instead of answering the question he turned around slightly and yelled down the corridor, basically screaming that everyone needed to come now.

“Andy’s what’s going on, you know screaming is not-” Zach’s sentence trailed off into a loud gasp and a simple whimper of pain as the support indicated to the person standing in their living room. Zach just stared, his eyes watering, his whole body shaking as Jensen stared back, utterly confused. “Nicolaj?”

“Hey, hey Sneaks - it’s me why are you-” Jensen’s voice trailed off as he suddenly found himself being tackled by Zach. The hug almost knocked him off his feet, the grip that Zach now had on him was the tightest he had ever had from his friend. Shocked more than anything at the close contact the mid laner placed a hand on top of Zach’s head, trying his best to comfort the obviously distressed carry. “Hey, what’s brought this on, I’m okay, I got home a little late but I thought you wouldn’t mind, I-”

“You’re real, you’re here, I can’t believe, you’re alive…”

“Of course I am - didn’t you get my text, my flight was oversold and I got delayed I….” Jensen frowned, looking up from the shaking and sobbing Zach to the rest of the team who had all slowly made their way into the room, each looking just as shocked as the next. “No one got my text, did they?”

“We thought you were on that flight, we were told you were on that flight and…” Juan’s voice was quiet, stuttering through the words that reminded Jensen of the time when he first joined the team. When he was unsure if he belonged, when he was scared and timid. It completely broke him, he hated it.

The youngest member of the team also moved forward, joining in on the hug and wrapping his arms tightly around Jensen as well. Zach made a happy kind of sound, shifting so that his team mate could do so in a way that was not awkward or uncomfortable.

Usually Jensen would have pushed them all of and made some kind of joke about personal space, but not this time, no this time was different - something had happened. He searched the faces of his team, trying to figure out what exactly that was, what they weren’t telling him. In the end it was Impact that said it, his words blunt, shattering - breaking Jensen to the very core.

“It crashed, your plane - they told us you had died.”

The words echoed around Jensen’s skull, vibrating and painful. Died? They had thought he was dead, they had been told that he was on that plane and… no wonder Andy had looked at him if he wasn’t real.

“Well…. Well what are you all doing over there then?”

The choked out words from Jensen were all the rest of them needed to rush forward and join the hug, pressing themselves as close as possible to the mid laner. Jensen shuffled slightly, toppling with the weight of his team they all dropped down onto the couch. Jensen squashed into the middle of his relieved team.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, letting them burrow themselves into him as much as possible, “I am so, so sorry.”

Day Three - Twelve AM

He was woken from his sleep from a large movement from the group, as well as a bright light that suddenly filled his eyes. He had fallen asleep almost immediately after being smothered by his teammates, having gotten absolutely no sleep on the plane or the bus.

“What in the world are you doing?”

“Sorry I didn’t mean to wake you, I just thought everyone else would be keen to know your not dead.” Andy gave Jensen a small smile, the movement of him untangling his arms from the mid laner was the movement that caused Jensen to stir. “You know, they might want to know.”

“Everyone else?”

“Yeah, what you think they didn’t notice, dude if TSM hadn’t turned up here that morning I don’t think we would have made it through - they even cooked for us.”

Jensen laughed at this, you know something’s gone down when an LCS pro willingly cooks. “Oh - and what are you going to say, it’s not something easily said by text.”

“I was thinking of ‘BTW Jensen’s not dead, airlines are stupid.’”

This caused Jensen to laugh again, causing a murmur from the pile of C9 teammates around him. “And you don’t think that would cause some questions? They’ll probably want more than that.”

“Nah, they’ll probably come storming over here to make sure I haven’t gone insane.” Andy smiled softly sending the text quickly before throwing his phone back on the seat across from them. Sliding back into his position beside Jensen, somehow managing to squeeze back behind Juan to find himself shoulder to shoulder with his mid laner. Sighing softly, Andy closed his eyes, muttering quietly, “I’m really glad you’re here Yensen.”

“Me too Ands, me too.” He paused, biting his lip and shifting slightly. “So many people, that plane - I guess I’m only here because of pure dumb luck…”

“Jensen….”

“I, don’t get me wrong, I am glad to be here - but there are so many people who didn’t - I don’t know how to be happy about that. You guys, that pain, you felt - so many people are going to be feeling that - forever…”

“Maybe happy is not the right word,I understand that. We can be grateful, not for what happen - but for you.”

Jensen just sighed, nodding slightly, letting his head fall to his supports shoulder. “Maybe, I just - I think I don’t really know what to think about it yet.” He paused, his hands freezing as he realized he was running his fingers through Zach’s hair. “I had a lot to lose, and so did everyone else.”

‘My thoughts and prayers are with the families and friends that lost loved ones this week on DN72. I was almost one of them and although I know I can’t stop the pain, I will help and do all I can. If you can donate please do so.’

‘All donations and proceeds from streams in the next two months will go to the families of DN72. Show love to those that have lost.’

Day Seven - Eight PM

Things were somewhat back to normal. Well as much as normal as there lives could be after what had happened. Finally everyone that needed to be aware was aware, everyone that wanted to say something had said something, and things had finally slowed down. Emotions had decreased slightly, the fear and pain had disappeared be be nothing by horrible memory that none of them really wanted to look back on.

Once again the house had returned to it’s normal bright place, welcoming to anyone, with a sense of happiness and a little bit craziness at the same time. The type of feeling and atmosphere that they had all come to know from the C9 had returned and was contagious to everyone that had made their way into the house for the start of split party. The house was full of smiles, just as it should be.

“You guys have always known how to throw a party.”

“Mmm well we might as well have a good time and spend as much time as friends before we have to go back to being rivals you know.” Zach laughed, using air quotes at ‘rivals’ causing the TSM top laner to laugh. “You know, when we then go and hate each other.”

“Good times.” Kevin accepted the drink that Zach offered him, taking a sip he grinned and decided to change the subject. “So, have you told him yet?”

“Uh, what?’

“You know, how you spent three hours crying in my arms saying how you didn’t get to tell him…”

“Oh.” Zach turned a very bright red. “That thing. I, no not yet I don’t think I know how to, when to…”

“I’m surprised you didn’t straight away. Not many,” Kevin chuckled, shaking his head. “Not many people get a second chance in these kind of things Zach. What’s stopping you, the happiness, the atmosphere - they fucking way he smiles at you.”

“Why do you keep coming back to that?”

“Cause Sneaks, if someone smiled at me like that - I would never let them go.” Kevin just patted Zach on the shoulder as he made his way back into the throng of people in the C9’s house lounge. He couldn’t help but make a very unstable point towards Jensen, who was trying his best not to get to much into the throng of people.

Zach’s blush was permanent as he shuffled slightly on his feet. He had been thinking about it, almost every time he had spent time with Jensen in the last few days he had thought of blurting it out. But he never had the courage, he never knew exactly what to say. He just couldn’t cope, he don’t know what he would do if Jensen didn’t love him back.

Love - it was weird to admit it, even in his head but he actually did love him.

And if he loved Jensen, didn’t Jensen deserve to know?

He slowly made his way over to Jensen, nodding and saying quick hello’s to everyone as they called out to him. It seemed like everyone wanted to chat. Zach soon made enough moves to at least get in talking distance of Jensen. He resisted the very large urge to reach out and just cling to him.

“Hey Jensen, not too many people corralling you I hope?”

“I haven’t stopped talking to people, I know they all mean well and I am very flattered about what they are saying and why. It’s just a little tiring - and loud.”

Zach could see his opportunity, almost like he was a bright flashing neon sign above Jensen’s head. “Do you want to step outside a bit for some fresh air and space, I was feeling the need for a little break myself.”

Jensen grinned, and Zach resisted the urge to squeal in delight as it was actually the mid laner that took the initiative, leaning over and taking hold of Zach’s hand. “Yeah I would like that - lead the way.” He moved with Zach away from the party and the crowd, the two of them making their way outside into the small deck and yard that connected to the lounge.

As soon as they were outside Jensen took a deep breath, his whole body seeming to just relax. “Wow, I didn’t realize how tense I was in there - I hate these kind of things at the best of times, but it’s just - weirder.”

“All you want to do is just crawl into bed right now yeah?”

“Ah sleep, it would be nice.” The smile returned to Jensen’s face as he turned to look at Zach, noticing immediately that the brunette looked, if he had to put it in a word, nervous. That and he was blushing.

“Zach are you… okay?”

“I ah, I wanted to come and talk to you, well I’ve been wanting to talk to you for awhile.”

“I feel like we’ve talked nonstop Zach.”

“I know, I’m sorry I’ve been a little clingy, and we have and it’s been great it’s just, not about this.”

Jensen frowned, stepping back a few paces to give Zach his space. “What’s wrong?”

“I thought I had lost you - that’s what’s wrong.”

Might as well get straight to the point, get it all out - like a bandaid, nice and simple

“Zach, we’ve already-”

“No, I - I need to say this. I thought I had lost you and I, I admitted in that moment how I feel and I-” Zach took a deep breath, he couldn’t do this, not with Jensen looking at him in confusion, in the way that made Zach feel like he was staring right into him. He turned his back, the words flying out of his mouth quicker than he thought they ever could.

“I was a mess you know, I ended up crying for about three hours straight with Kevin because he said some things and he made he realize. I hated it, I was torn inside because I thought I had lost my chance, my chance to admit to you that I cared for you, that you are so much more than a friend that I - I love you. I’m so scared, so horrified that I will wake up and you being here, alive is just some delusion that I’ve made up and I will have to lose you all over again and I - I just don’t think, I can’t deal with…”

A steady hand was placed on Zach’s shoulder, the mere touch causing his words to trail off and his breath to hitch in his throat. If Zach had been looking at Jensen right now he would have seen the shock on the midlaners face, the complete and utter drop of the mask and the array of emotions crossing it.

“I’m not going anywhere Zach, I promise, this is real - you never lost me-”

“But, but I might now, now that I-”

“No, no you won’t.” Jensen moved, keeping the hand on Zach’s shoulder as he walked around to be face to face with him, placing his over hand on Zach’s chin to move it upwards so that he could look him in the eyes. “So, all it took was me dying for you to admit it huh, didn’t think I’d have to go to those lengths. Gosh we are both idiots….”

“What, I - I’m serious.”

“Me too, do you know how long I’ve been waiting, how long I’ve attempted to push back my feelings and failed miserably…”

“Y-you, waiting? That mean’s that you-” Zach blinked as Jensen nodded, slowly, removing the hand on his chin to instead place it on his waist. Zach was suddenly rather dizzy, the good kind. “But if you - why wouldn’t you say anything?”

Jensen smiled softly. “I thought I kind of was, you know me - I’m all or nothing - I go hard or I don’t even try. That same drive on the rift kind of also equates to how I relate to people.” Jensen shook his head, giving Zach a small hit on the shoulder. “I thought my flirting was obvious, but apparently not… I had just, resigned myself to that fact that it would never happen… I didn’t want to push you”

“I… I, but you still didn’t say anything.” Zach’s voice held a slight whine to it. Here he had been, completely concerned and horrified that Jensen was going to run away after he admitted his feeling, only to find out he had been flirting with him this whole time. Was he now supposed to take all of the the things that Jensen had said during streams and scrims and games as fact? Because if so…. Damn.

“You’re just working it out now aren’t you?”

“You… you have said it.”

“Mmhmm, multiple times.”

Zach laughed, suddenly feeling a little bit lighter. “Well, now I feel like an idiot.”

“You are an idiot - but you’re my idiot, so it’s okay. And I’m an idiot too, for ever giving up on you.” Jensen pulled his arm a little tighter around Zach waist and tugged slightly, grinning as Zach took the hint and walked over to him - closing the distance. “So… you going to do anything with that second chance of yours Sneaks?”

He very much intended to do so yes - and he was going to do it right now.

Zach wasn’t quite sure what he was expecting. Fireworks, heat, music to suddenly explode in his head and for time to stop, he wasn’t really looking for a cliche or to say he had butterflies or to be all cheesy and say that it perfect, that all the puzzle pieces linked together, like the best moment of his life. Zach knew that his life was not a romantic comedy, or a Disney movie with a happily ever after. He wasn’t expecting any of it, yet a small part of him kind of wanted something like that, just something that cemented this for him.

“Finally…”

They way Jensen was looking at him was his reward, and it was enough. Because it was everything.

>E.N.D<

a/n - woo we made it! XD Hope you all enjoyed it ^^ I’m still working on a few more projects so hopefully the fic will keep coming <3 -Kylie

#submission #fan work #Sneaksen fic #emotionsofink #OMO #THE FEELS #IT'S SUCH A NICE LONG READ JUST IN TIME FOR THE WEEKEND #HAUNTZER WAS ADORABLE JUST SAYING #THANK YOU

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